Field Trips Edition w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Summary

Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Field Trips Edition Released: May 19, 2025

In this uproarious episode of Are You Garbage?, hosts Kevin Ryan and H. Foley dive into the nostalgic and often chaotic world of school field trips. Titled "Field Trips Edition," the episode is a treasure trove of hilarious anecdotes, listener stories, and the hosts' own unforgettable experiences from their school days. Here's a detailed summary capturing all the key discussions, insights, and laugh-out-loud moments.

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1. Introduction to the Field Trips Theme [03:00 - 06:00]

Kevin and H. Foley kick off the episode by setting the stage for a themed discussion centered around school field trips. They reminisce about the excitement and sometimes the misadventures that come with educational excursions.

Kevin Ryan [03:00]:

"Let's talk about field trips today, who doesn't remember them? Or was it a pivotal moment in your childhood?"

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2. Personal Field Trip Experiences [06:00 - 17:40]

The hosts delve into their own field trip memories, sharing stories that range from the mundane to the downright bizarre.

H. Foley [06:21]:

"A good field trip kept you going to school every day, kept the grades up, kept you out of your parents' fuck around."

Kevin Ryan [07:50]:

"I thought it was fun."

They recount trips to the Franklin Institute in Philadelphia, Amish country tours, and visits to historical sites like Gettysburg. The anecdotes are filled with humorous mishaps, such as getting lost, accidental injuries, and the chaos of managing a group of excited students.

H. Foley [09:09]:

"We were always rolling in 50, 60 deep, like a biker gang in the '80s. Go and take a bar over, knocking over tomato stands."

Kevin Ryan [10:29]:

"I saw laser light shows down there. We used to get under the Franklin Institute and see laser light shows."

---

3. Listener Stories Part 1 [21:12 - 37:12]

After a brief interlude, the hosts resume sharing stories submitted by listeners. These tales highlight a variety of field trip experiences, from trips to amusement parks to museum visits, each with its unique twist.

Listener: Mr. Bevalakwa [53:15]:

"We went to Dominoes and made our own pizzas. At least two classmates still work there 25 years later."

Kevin Ryan [54:35]:

"We went to Village Shires and tried to sneak into Merida's Cantina. Ended up getting stupid high and making a mess."

These stories emphasize the unpredictable nature of field trips and the lasting memories they create, whether through planned activities or spontaneous adventures.

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4. Listener Stories Part 2 [37:12 - 71:03]

The episode continues with more listener-submitted stories, each more entertaining than the last. From classroom mishaps to unexpected incidents, the narratives paint a vivid picture of school trips gone hilariously wrong.

Listener: Wyatt Peter [30:07]:

"We walked down a road that our band leader said 'reeked of shrimp and cum.' Teachers ruined the fun."

Listener: Mr. Babalakwa [56:20]:

"Had to pee so bad on a bus trip. Ended up drenching myself and the entire bus."

H. Foley [67:03]:

"Little kid ordering oregano just seems weird to me, dude."

These contributions showcase the diverse range of experiences students face during field trips, from dealing with rebellious classmates to handling embarrassing situations.

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5. Audience Interaction and Reflections [71:03 - 75:00]

As the episode nears its conclusion, Kevin and H. Foley reflect on the shared stories, highlighting the common themes of adventure, mishaps, and the bittersweet nostalgia of childhood outings.

Kevin Ryan [73:17]:

"We were in New York to march in the Macy's Day Parade as munchkins from the Wizard of Oz."

H. Foley [74:10]:

"If you could just trust a kid with a raspy voice, you'd be surprised what happens."

They also touch upon the emotional aspects of these memories, acknowledging both the fun and the challenges that come with organizing and participating in school trips.

H. Foley [69:18]:

"She's good shit, that Patty. She was always helping kids who couldn't afford things."

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Notable Quotes

• Kevin Ryan [03:00]: "Let's talk about field trips today, who doesn't remember them?"
• H. Foley [09:09]: "We were always rolling in 50, 60 deep, like a biker gang in the '80s."
• Kevin Ryan [10:29]: "I saw laser light shows down there. We used to get under the Franklin Institute and see laser light shows."
• H. Foley [37:03]: "Yeah, that was a thing. Like, back then, you just go, that's nuts."

---

Conclusion

The "Field Trips Edition" of Are You Garbage? is a nostalgic journey through the hosts' and listeners' school excursions. Filled with humor, candid reflections, and relatable stories, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley effectively capture the essence of what makes field trips memorable—both the planned activities and the unexpected incidents. Whether reminiscing about the Franklin Institute or laughing over a botched pizza-making session, this episode delivers entertainment while celebrating the shared experiences that define our educational journeys.

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Note: Advertisements and promotional segments were intentionally excluded from this summary to focus solely on the content discussed during the episode.

Transcript

[Kevin Ryan]

Live shows. Live shows. Live shows, baby. The boys are about to hit the road for that Back on the Block tour. So grab the squad and come on out and see us.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. We're starting in San Francisco, then Portland, Seattle, Brea, California. Burlington, Vermont, Boston, Massachusetts. Atlanta, Georgia, Charlotte, North Carolina. Raleigh, North Carolina. Richmond, Virginia, Baltimore, Maryland, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The boys are coming home. Rochester, New York, and Toronto, Canada. Get your [e-mail] Love you. See you there.

[Kevin Ryan]

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are you Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R U Garbage. Oh, yeah, it's that little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that at the Groot to be classy just a bit. Big old piece of trash.

[H. Foley]

Trash, trash, trash.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm your host, Dave Trolley. Coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in a new edition. Shout out to her. Just earned her yellow belt over there at South Philly. Kung fu and karate.

[H. Foley]

Hiya.

[Kevin Ryan]

And pet store. So good for her.

[H. Foley]

Watch out, man, she's on a tear.

[Kevin Ryan]

Kick your ass. Okay, Mike Cowes is coming at you from across the table. He is the CEO of Are youe Garbage? And what he lacks in physical appearance, he makes up for in personality. And wild things in the bedroom. Up for kj. Kevin, James Ryan, everybody.

[H. Foley]

What up?

[Kevin Ryan]

Hey, buddy.

[H. Foley]

Shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in as always. Please make sure you rate review. Subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify. By the way, those numbers are cooking.

[Kevin Ryan]

Charts over there.

[H. Foley]

I know.

[Kevin Ryan]

The goddamn charts.

[H. Foley]

Obviously the greatest website of all time. Www.patreon.com garbage. Go over there. You get all that bonus content?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes, sir.

[H. Foley]

And then last but not least, talk to me back on the Block Tour. Fall and winter tour dates are on.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sale right [e-mail] Coming to the Metropolitan in Philadelphia.

[H. Foley]

The boys are coming. All big theater all over the place. I'm talking sand. I'm talking San Fran. They don't like calling it San Fran. It's sf. I hear San Francisco going. San Francisco. We're doing Portland. We're doing Seattle. We're doing Richmond, Raleigh.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[H. Foley]

The other one. Charlotte, Baltimore, Boston, Philly. Boston, New Hampshire.

[Kevin Ryan]

Toronto, Toronto, Rochester.

[H. Foley]

All over the map.

[Kevin Ryan]

Can't wait to get back out there, gang. Grab your tickets. Are you garbage.com? yeah. You're not the prettiest girl at the dance.

[H. Foley]

You know what? I don't know what that means. And what are you doing at a dance? You're 50 you weirdo. Fucking creepo.

[Kevin Ryan]

But you will do weird sex stuff if the car is nice enough.

[H. Foley]

Is that. Is that what you've heard about me? Is that. Is that my itunes Reviews. You've been.

[Kevin Ryan]

You'll do a lot for a dinner at Red Lobster.

[H. Foley]

You've been scrolling on.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, that's right.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Let's get into the heart of the matter here. Today. We're here for a little family episode. A little themed episode.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Kids have been loving. They've been cooking up the charts out there.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

This one we're going all the way back.

[H. Foley]

Which I have to. You know. We. We gotta. I gotta be a little self. Self aware here.

[Kevin Ryan]

What's that?

[H. Foley]

We. The past month or so we put together a run of guests that was unrude. Unmatched.

[Kevin Ryan]

Shout out to all the boys.

[H. Foley]

I had to call Joe Hollywood to get some of them guys in here. I was. I was calling in every favor.

[Kevin Ryan]

I got a couple coming up though.

[H. Foley]

Uh huh. Do we?

[Kevin Ryan]

I think so.

[H. Foley]

Who do you got?

[Kevin Ryan]

Don't we?

[H. Foley]

Cher coming in.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh man.

[H. Foley]

Do you believe in love after love?

[Kevin Ryan]

You see Cher from back in the 70s when she did the Sonny and Cher show.

[H. Foley]

That was. I mean hot. That's. That dude. That might as well been me looking at people from the 1300s. That was so far back to me. Like. Because at that point the fashion was so different. The quality of the video was so different. He was dead by the time.

[Kevin Ryan]

Free love baby.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I was like, no smoking doobies, taking lewds.

[H. Foley]

She for the. I first knew her as the guy she was. No, she was married to the guy who died skiing.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sonny Bono.

[H. Foley]

Skis, horses.

[Kevin Ryan]

He was a senator. I believe he became a senator. Wasn't he? Senator Sonny.

[H. Foley]

He don't. Do you know who Sonny Bono is? Just by name?

[Kevin Ryan]

You don't know Hans?

[H. Foley]

I don't know no NATO. United States representative.

[Kevin Ryan]

United States representative. Party land.

[H. Foley]

What? I don't know.

[Kevin Ryan]

I think he did a lot of drugs.

[H. Foley]

The United States of funk.

[Kevin Ryan]

If you catch my.

[H. Foley]

Disco land. Mayor of Palm Springs, California and California's 44th district man.

[Kevin Ryan]

Mayor of Palm Springs. Talk about any easy gig.

[H. Foley]

Talk about getting your d Es. You are out there in Palm Springs.

[Kevin Ryan]

Closing at Boca del Vista.

[H. Foley]

Ain't nothing wrong with that. That's what you do.

[Kevin Ryan]

You get down here to Florida. You relax a little bit. That's what you got to do, get some color. Go down there to Boca. You take junior's place. Find a nice lady who works the conventionals department at fucking Sears or something like that.

[H. Foley]

There's my wife in this mix I.

[Kevin Ryan]

Forgot, gumming up the works. I'll take the broad down here. Not your wife. I'd take that.

[H. Foley]

I don't know. I don't know what reality you're creating. Philosopher. First of all, didn't he say. He said Palm Springs, California. You ended up in Florida, is that right?

[Kevin Ryan]

Is there a Palm Springs, California?

[H. Foley]

That's the Palm Springs.

[Kevin Ryan]

What's Palm Springs in Florida?

[H. Foley]

That's where dudes go to get. Get topped off on spring break.

[Kevin Ryan]

Isn't there a Palm Springs?

[H. Foley]

Palm Beach.

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, that's where I'm going.

[H. Foley]

I'll see you out there.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hey, get out of Palm Beach. Get on a Boca, relax for a little bit, walk, play a little golf.

[H. Foley]

What are you talking to me? I'm doing well. What are you talking about? You get up, you go. You go somewhere.

[Kevin Ryan]

I should.

[H. Foley]

Telling me what to do. You go do something.

[Kevin Ryan]

I should take a cruise by myself.

[H. Foley]

Why don't you take. Why don't you take a field trip? Hey, and we're back.

[Kevin Ryan]

Little Franklin Institute.

[H. Foley]

You got to go somewhere, learn, expand your horizons, you know, open your eyes a little bit.

[Kevin Ryan]

Expand my Verizons. Get off the family.

[H. Foley]

I'm a singular man.

[Kevin Ryan]

Let's talk about it, gang. Talking about field trips today, who doesn't remember? Or was it a pivotal moment in your childhood? The first big field trip, the field trip that went wrong. You had money. You didn't have money. Your parents were prepared. Maybe they weren't prepared. Something fucked up happened when you were down there. Somebody got shot.

[H. Foley]

A good dude. A good. A good field trip in that was coming up in a spring that get you through the fall and the winter that kept you going to school every day, that kept the grades up, that kept you out of your parents fuck around. You might not be able to go to the good field trips. They would always. The school as well as your parents would be like if you messed up at school to go. If you do this, you're not gonna.

[Kevin Ryan]

Go on the field trip.

[H. Foley]

You're not gonna go to wherever it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Was that was usually bullshit. Oh, what are you gonna leave me here by myself now?

[H. Foley]

You have to sit in a cafeteria with the other dingbats.

[Kevin Ryan]

Turn this place into a blockbuster while you're gone?

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't know what that meant.

[H. Foley]

Me either. I rolled with it. Palm Springs Ladies and gentlemen, Palm Springs, Florida.

[Kevin Ryan]

Why couldn't every day. Like those were the times where every.

[H. Foley]

Day be a field trip.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Like those were the days where I.

[H. Foley]

That's called straight chilling, dog.

[Kevin Ryan]

Those are the days where I felt like, you know, like I was in the movie. Like, I felt like I was. Like I was going to school. Like, it felt good. The shower felt better that morning. Breakfast felt better that morning. You get your cooler with your snacks and your drinks and all that kind of stuff to have on the bus. You get. You get like 20 bucks for mom and dad to spend down at the gift shop, wherever you were going.

[H. Foley]

You.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. You know.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I thought it was fun.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Cause the rest of the day, your brain, what we call it in the medical field, ain't good at learning. So if you get sleepy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, I get sleepy right away. When. As soon as they started that teacher started talking. I'm tired.

[H. Foley]

That's like a dog we try to train on. You get like 30 minutes with them before their brain overheats and they gotta lay down.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's fucking hot in there. Shut up.

[H. Foley]

They call on you twice. I gotta take a nap. I gotta shut this down.

[Kevin Ryan]

I liked it in being in a nice, cool, cool science lab with those black desks, those black tables that were nice and cool. The air conditioner pumping. Turn the lights off and put on a documentary from like, the late 80s about water, about, like, precipitation.

[H. Foley]

And they would show, like, you hear the rainfall trickling.

[Kevin Ryan]

And they'd show streams from the mountains, a babbling brook. I'd be out two seconds.

[H. Foley]

And put your hood up. Heads up, seven up.

[Kevin Ryan]

Just dreaming. Just dreaming and chilling.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's school to me.

[H. Foley]

What was your. Do you remember your favorite field trip? Field trip? I mean, Palm Springs, 88. Me and Sonny Bono.

[Kevin Ryan]

I got a bag of yak down there. Talk about fish scale.

[H. Foley]

Me and Sonny Bono went water scammed. This guy knows I can't water ski.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't have the.

[H. Foley]

Wait. Weight problem.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't know. I don't have the centrifugal balance to go water skiing.

[H. Foley]

Centrifugal balance.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's something that lines up. I can't get up.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Your front. Heavy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

It's like pulling a Mack truck out of a bog. You need a good winch. No rope is going to do that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Got kelp all over me. The Franklin Institute, man, that was. That was the one.

[H. Foley]

That was a big one. In for. For Philadelphia. The Franklin Institute was like, get the exact definition. I mean, it was a museum. It was an Interactive experience. They had the first dome. No, was that the dome planetarium? No, but the screen planetarium. That wasn't the planetarium.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes, it is. That's what it's called. It's called a planetarium.

[H. Foley]

No, the planetarium is like. You look up at the sky.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, that's what it is.

[H. Foley]

I know, but that screen sky, what.

[Kevin Ryan]

I saw, I saw nirvana at the Franklin. No, I saw laser light shows down there. We used to get under the Franklin Institute, see laser light shows.

[H. Foley]

In college, a couple cool guys drop.

[Kevin Ryan]

A couple of tabs of sunshine in fucking.

[H. Foley]

It's a science museum in Philadelphia. You talk about imax? No. What?

[Kevin Ryan]

It's the planetarium.

[H. Foley]

I know they got IMAX there too. That. It was more. It was more of a movie screen. I'm not saying they didn't show that, but they also showed like you'd be on like a helicopter flying through the city. When I was back when I was.

[Kevin Ryan]

They had. Maybe they upgraded.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, dude, that was.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, ours was just the stars.

[H. Foley]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

And they had that thing that looked like a telescope in the middle and it would go around and it felt like the. Like the place was moving.

[H. Foley]

That was always big. We were always big on. And also too. Disc man had just dropped. Disc man dropped. When I was in like they. Everybody kind of had them in fifth and sixth grade. So, I mean, you, you and your boys on what CDs you got CD books be flipping. Oh, let me get the DMX CD. Let me get. That was when hip hop was it. Hey, couple of tough guys back there talking Tupac. I'm talking Jay Z.

[Kevin Ryan]

We didn't have that. We just listened to. I remember listening to classic rock on a field trip. The bus driver was this old Vietnam vet and he used to crank 93.3 WMMR. Sure, listen to that.

[H. Foley]

Means more rock. Talking about Preston and Steve. I'm talking about Jackie Pierro, Bear, Pierre Robert.

[Kevin Ryan]

I met Pierre Robert.

[H. Foley]

Me too.

[Kevin Ryan]

Did you? Yeah, yeah. Shout out to him. He was friends with somebody through the theater. Through the Hedgerow Theater. I can't remember how. Wait, was he boy? I think he was boys with one of my friends in high school's dads. I think he was boys with Mr. Gabriel, to be honest with you.

[H. Foley]

Google that. See if Pierre Robert was friends with Mr. Gabriel. Don't you wish the Internet was that?

[Kevin Ryan]

Shout out to Anthony.

[H. Foley]

Dude, every time I can't find my keys, I'm like, if I could just Google where my keys are. What more do you need?

[Kevin Ryan]

What are you doing? Bits on me.

[H. Foley]

Is that a bit.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't know.

[H. Foley]

Should I try that? It's going to be called dibs. You take it.

[Kevin Ryan]

I remember one time that bus driver put on Stern and everybody sitting in.

[H. Foley]

The back with Stingers. He had a broad on top of a subwoofer.

[Kevin Ryan]

I think I was only. Yeah, I think I was in like seventh grade or something like that. We were listening to Stern and fucking. I remember the next day it wasn't on and like, somebody had. Somebody's parents had called and complained, sure. But he don't get fired. I wasn't. The way it was back then. A couple of strikes.

[H. Foley]

Well, this is Hang them. So obviously most of our listeners are in their. You know, most of them in their 20s, 30s and 40s. You know, they're all people of our age. There's not. Not a lot of children listening to this. So a lot of these stories take place in the 80s and 90s where you're like, oh, there's no way this would happen now. You know what I mean?

[Kevin Ryan]

They do that shit though, like now, like. Because I remember a big one in. I think we were in high school was. We came up to New York, so.

[H. Foley]

I got robbed of that. I was supposed to goes 9, 11. We were supposed to go. We were supposed to go. Like, we always. Every school, we always went in September, the end of September. Like, dude, I'm talking permission slip signed, had my, you know, 1850 in like $18.50 check written out.

[Kevin Ryan]

Where were you going? Do you remember? Where were you gonna go when you got up here?

[H. Foley]

I think we're gonna hit the cellar, then try to pop.

[Kevin Ryan]

Pop oversets at the Boston. Were you gonna go to the World Trade Center? I guess you were probably.

[H. Foley]

Probably there and like moma or something. I don't know.

[Kevin Ryan]

Not no more.

[H. Foley]

Yikes. So we. That. That in D.C. they were the same week we were supposed to do.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'd have you on a list. I don't like that. That all planned out, didn't you? Huh.

[H. Foley]

Also supposed to go to Central PA too. So we didn't. We didn't get to have that. That was the big one. That was the one you would hear. People would go up and like, you know, get. They go to Times Square. You get like a switchblade fucking.

[Kevin Ryan]

Somebody buy a nickel bag of weed or something like that.

[H. Foley]

Like, oh, no, you're allowed to. Because you were like on some chaperones, like, yeah, just meet back here at 5. Some chaperones would be like, we're good moving As a group, which is insane.

[Kevin Ryan]

Taking fucking high school kids in New.

[H. Foley]

York City meet back here at five different time. What I remember do my come back.

[Kevin Ryan]

With a tattoo and a wife.

[H. Foley]

My boy in New who grew up in New York, they would take the subway to like, oh, we're all going to the whatever. We're all going to the. The Met. So they take the subway and he's like. We would go in between the train cars and like smoke a blunt on our city.

[Kevin Ryan]

Kids are built different.

[H. Foley]

Fucking wild.

[Kevin Ryan]

I like it out there in the burbs.

[H. Foley]

I'm a yellow cheese bus kind of guy.

[Kevin Ryan]

My favorite. My favorite one was we went down to the Edgar Allan Poe house in Philly, which was awesome.

[H. Foley]

That's pretty good.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, we were studying. It was. It was a.

[H. Foley]

You're. You're a poetry queef.

[Kevin Ryan]

As you. As you got. Of course, as you got older, they got smaller, which was great. I remember that.

[H. Foley]

It wasn't. The whole school would be like these couple social studies classes.

[Kevin Ryan]

The one was, I think just my English class.

[H. Foley]

That's what I'm saying. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

And it was like. It was like maybe 15 of us and we went down small class.

[H. Foley]

There are a couple teachers in air. There was. That was not one guy doing that heavy lifting. 15 kids, 30 teachers took us to Color it sesame. Please.

[Kevin Ryan]

No. But we went down there and we were reading about him. We were doing all kinds of literary stuff. At the time it was English lit, I think I was smoking doobies. I was expanding my mind, as you say, my horizons. As I say, as you said.

[H. Foley]

What do I say?

[Kevin Ryan]

You said expanding your horizons. I was expanding my horizons back then. Dropping acid and tuning in.

[H. Foley]

I was. Somebody's got to fucking reset you, dude.

[Kevin Ryan]

Take me back to the factory. Anyway, we went down there. We had a lovely day. It was a nice spring day. I think we like smoked a joint or something like that. Went walked around, saw the shit, got back. It was great.

[H. Foley]

Mm. My. We the best one for us was always the Amish country. They take us out to the aunt to Lancaster. About two hour drive.

[Kevin Ryan]

£ of mashed potatoes at the buffet.

[H. Foley]

Well, no, we just stopped by like side of the road stands and we would. I mean, these poor Amish.

[Kevin Ryan]

Kevin's eating a whole apple pie.

[H. Foley]

Fat fuck, I'm out there smoking. Guys got the backup, man. These poor, you know, these poor bad haircut, having mother. The last thing they wanted to see is a group of fucking.

[Kevin Ryan]

Those guys would fuck you up, though. They're all field hands. They tune you up.

[H. Foley]

I Know, but they ain't allowed to fight. That's against their religion.

[Kevin Ryan]

Is it?

[H. Foley]

Well, also, I would just hold my disc, man up and scare the shit out of him. Let me tell you, it's dark and hell is hot. So we that go. Those were always. I mean, we were mean, bad kids, but we would just be fucking. Not to their face, but we'd be having fun at their wriggling a little bit. Having fun at their expense. And I remember that they didn't. I mean, we'd roll in 50, 60 deep, you know what I mean? Like a biker gang in the 80s. Go and take. Take a bar over, knocking over tomato stands. Yeah, just fucking. I want 10%, you know what I mean?

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm your new partner.

[H. Foley]

These fat kids got a reputation of coming in and bust, busting up a buffet. Not today. They picked the wrong buffet.

[Kevin Ryan]

Ah, that's all right, Kent. Let's talk about ExpressVPN, baby.

[H. Foley]

Ooh, you ain't lying, dawg.

[Kevin Ryan]

Let me tell you this. Going online without ExpressVPN is like not closing the door when you use the bathroom. Next thing you know, you got everybody in the bar looking at your little stinger.

[H. Foley]

Gives random creeps a chance to fucking take a looky Lou.

[Kevin Ryan]

So, gang, do yourself a favor when you're surfing the web, keep the prying eyes of the feds and whoever the hell else might be looking at you.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

Guys, off your searches.

[H. Foley]

Express. That's about the extent of the big man's cyber knowledge.

[Kevin Ryan]

I know what's going on.

[H. Foley]

Express. Repeat. ExpressVPN reroutes 100% of your traffic through secure encrypted servers, so your ISP can't be seen, can't see your browsing history, girl on girl. It hides your IPS address, which I've learned as we travel this great country of ours. Certain states have certain rules, and you. My ExpressVPN kicked in pretty too sweet, if you catch my drift. Yeah, it's rated number one. It works on all devices. It's easy to use.

[Kevin Ryan]

Your Mormon laws have nothing to do with my libido. I need to crank this out.

[H. Foley]

Emphasis on libido. Protect your online privacy today by visiting expressvpn.com garbage. That's ExpressVPN. E, X, P, R E, S S, V, P, N Comm slash garbage to find out how you can get up to four extra months for free. ExpressVPN.com Garbage kept.

[Kevin Ryan]

Let's talk about built rewards, baby.

[H. Foley]

Oh, shout out to them.

[Kevin Ryan]

Attention all you renters out there. I am one of them. I am not just a spokesman. I'm also a client. If you haven't heard of Bilt, you're about to thank me. Earn your favorite airline, miles and points through BILT just by paying your rent on time. Let me explain.

[H. Foley]

Explain it, big guy.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm going to dickhead. Give me a second. What are you, the cops? Anyway, I apologize, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Homeowner over here. If you're renting, that's your biggest expense of the month. You could go out to dinner, throw a couple hundred, get some points, get a little bit of miles. Why aren't you using your biggest expense to earn points and miles? What are you doing? Built you get to do that.

[H. Foley]

I'm with it, daddy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, we're talking. We're talking points. We're talking miles, baby.

[H. Foley]

I know there's no cost to join him. Just by paying your rent, you unlock flexible points that can be transferred to your favorite hotels and airlines. A future rent payment or your next Lyft ride. Future rent and more when you pay your bill. When you pay your rent through Bilt, you unlock two powerful Bennett's first benefits. First, you earn one of the industry's most valuable points on rent every month. No matter where you live, who your landlord is, your rent now works for you. Second, you gain access to exclusive neighborhood benefits in your city. Bilt's neighborhood benefits are things like extra points on dining, now complimentary post workout shakes, free mats or towels at your favorite fitness studios, and unique experiences that only Built members can access. And you'll be ready to. And you'll be ready to travel. Built rewards can be converted to your favorite miles and hotel points around the world, meaning you can. Meaning your rent can literally take you places.

[Kevin Ryan]

There you go.

[H. Foley]

You're not just earning points on rent. My question is, what are you waiting for? Start paying rent through Built and take advantage of neighborhood benefits by going to join built.com garbage. That's join built. J O I N B I L T.com garbage.

[Kevin Ryan]

Make sure to use the URL as you know, they sent us. God damn it.

[H. Foley]

Join built.comgarbage to sign up.

[Kevin Ryan]

What's a fitness studio?

[H. Foley]

But that was good. We were always hit a wawa in the morning for the snacks.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, the lunch was always. You got a better lunch that day. Usually.

[H. Foley]

Well, you could always even bring.

[Kevin Ryan]

You bagged your lunch.

[H. Foley]

You could always. Yeah, you could always bring. Or like they always. A lot of. I think they had to provide some sort of. That's like what the money went to like, oh, we'll do it. Do pizzas or, you know, you get a cheeseburger at the. Whatever. Yeah, that was always. All right. We were always snack guys.

[Kevin Ryan]

But if your parents made your lunch, that was always a better lunch than regular days. That's the day that you got the hay. Sure, you got to get a hoagie. Get a turkey shorty over at the Wawa, huh? Lettuce, tomato, oregano, mayo, Swiss cheese, turkey.

[H. Foley]

Little kid order bag of munches. Little kid ordering oregano just seems weird to me, dude. Yeah, a little.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Can you run that through the garden for me? A little more balsamic.

[Kevin Ryan]

You didn't do oil and vinegar when you were a kid?

[H. Foley]

No, I didn't do that till my mid-30s, dude.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oil and vinegar hot sweet peppers.

[H. Foley]

Nah, dude. No.

[Kevin Ryan]

What a black and mild kicker at the end.

[H. Foley]

Can I get three stuffed peppers? And you're. What the. No. Not doing long hots in second grade, Little Moose. No wonder why your GI track is all torn up many and been eating shards of glass.

[Kevin Ryan]

Little Barrett's esophagus never hurt anybody.

[H. Foley]

Actually, it did, but. All right, let's see. So what the. The homies all sent in their. Their stories and. Or questions regarding field trips slash school trips.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay?

[H. Foley]

And as you guys know, when you join the old patreon over there, we will read your question to do fun stuff like this. Yeah. Fun stuff with the boys. This one's from Foley's chest X ray came back good. Five years ago, $10 shareholder went to Beta. Beta Club Nationals. See what Beta Club is. Went to Beta Club Nationals in sixth grade. Ended up staying in a casino hotel, cheapest rooms available, and watched a teacher lose his mind after losing six grand playing blackjack. He just kept saying, don't ever gamble, kids.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's gotta be.

[H. Foley]

That's all this is. Like, that's not happening now. There's too many guardrails and checks and bounces up. That was just a guy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Talk about the School of Rock, huh?

[H. Foley]

That's great. You know, that teacher was looking forward to that. He's like, I'll do it. I'll sign up. Yeah, I'll take the kids to the Lucky Horseshoe Casino or whatever.

[Kevin Ryan]

The Beta Club's got to be some type of debate club or science club or something like that.

[H. Foley]

It's like a leadership summit kind of for young kids, I think.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay. There you go.

[H. Foley]

I remember. That's. I remember we had. And this might have been junior high. Future Business Leaders of America. I was like, who the. Has the Balls.

[Kevin Ryan]

Now look at you.

[H. Foley]

I know. And the one kid that was in. He died of heroin in our. In a motel. So it jokes on you. Oh. That kid. We made fun of him a lot. I do apologize.

[Kevin Ryan]

Was this in high school? He died in a hotel room.

[H. Foley]

Maybe right after high school.

[Kevin Ryan]

No.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wow.

[H. Foley]

There's a CEO though. So he had that going for now. All right. That's terrible. He looked like Elton John. And we used to call him the Jets.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's fucking brutal.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Dude. That's like.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's a lot of money.

[H. Foley]

A lot of cash. Dude. That's like.

[Kevin Ryan]

Damn.

[H. Foley]

That's tough. All right. Let's see here. This one's from Foley's hair. Kippy's forehead. $14.50 Canadian. Homie on the board. Never had one. Red. In fourth grade my class went splunking in a tourist trap.

[Kevin Ryan]

What?

[H. Foley]

That seems. Why?

[Kevin Ryan]

In what grade?

[H. Foley]

Fourth.

[Kevin Ryan]

Get the fuck.

[H. Foley]

But this.

[Kevin Ryan]

Spelunky.

[H. Foley]

But this says Taurus Trap. This is more like. You know how we used to climb through the heart at the.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

That's what. This can't be. They're not like.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's got stalactite. Stalagmite written all over.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Which. You know what it is?

[Kevin Ryan]

Stalactite.

[H. Foley]

I don't. Don't roll your eyes at me.

[Kevin Ryan]

You don't know what it is?

[H. Foley]

Not off the top of my head.

[Kevin Ryan]

Stalactite has to hold tight to the ceiling. And stalagmite might reach the ceiling.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like mites on the floor.

[H. Foley]

You might be a jerk off rolling your eyes at me.

[Kevin Ryan]

Dumbass. Smart guy. You don't know much.

[H. Foley]

I'm a future business leader of America.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do you know who drug whom around? What?

[H. Foley]

Who?

[Kevin Ryan]

You never heard that before?

[H. Foley]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

The Harvard thing. Who drug whom around? What? Achilles Drug Hector around the city of Troy. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, dickhead.

[H. Foley]

More of a needle man. All right.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't get it. That pure.

[H. Foley]

In fourth grade my class went spelunking in a tourist trap cave. After we were having lunch waiting for the buses. I started throwing baseball sized rocks off the suspension bridge into the river below. This got the class hyped and everyone joined. Dude. It just takes a couple of kids in a new place sure. Just to go. What can we fuck up?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Who's not watching me? And everyone joined in. The rock tossing teachers quickly shut this down. So I went down to the river below. Next I woke up in a pile of blood with half my front tooth missing. Apparently one kid wasn't done Throwing rocks down from above. The look on my classmates faces as I climbed back up the steep bank covered in blood, snot and tears. And the panic of my teacher as he ran for a makeshift first aid kit was about an hour car ride to the hospital. Three trips to the dentist resulting in a root canal and a fake front tooth. It's always been a couple of shades darker since. P.S. i got 85 8,500 bucks for it when I turned 18. Money was gone within 3 months. Spending on everything but a tooth.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, wrote that Stephen King.

[H. Foley]

That's pretty fucking beautiful. Yeah, that's. That's what we're looking for. That is. That kid was forever affected by a simple school field tooth.

[Kevin Ryan]

A shade darker. Seen plenty of them in my day.

[H. Foley]

A couple of family members with that. That's. Man, that is so. What? Shit.

[Kevin Ryan]

Field trip right there.

[H. Foley]

Fourth grade, you're 10, you're 9 to 11.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's all right.

[H. Foley]

You're just hucking rocks off a bridge. Nothing's better.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. So you catch one in the chin.

[H. Foley]

I mean that guy went to the landing zone.

[Kevin Ryan]

Just think that's bad.

[H. Foley]

You never do that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Think of how panicked those teachers must have been. What do you do? The lawsuit to this, to that? The. Oh my God. I would have fucking killed him and threw him off the bridge. My sister, we didn't see him.

[H. Foley]

My sister's a teacher and she would do like the ski. She'd take them skiing. She took them to different countries, the language clubs, the all. And I'm going, you're fucking crazy. Every ski should take him to like Spain and India. I don't know. Talking about Indian casino reservation. Lost six grand. Yeah, but I'm like, I wouldn't take any kids anywhere.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, I don't want to be involved in that. There was always too much. There's too much that could go wrong for you as a teacher. You know what I mean?

[H. Foley]

Yeah. If the fuck kid gets in the head with a rock.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. There's no. That's the least of your problems. Somebody gets pregnant or something like that, who the fuck knows what happens. Two kids boning somewhere.

[H. Foley]

I mean I think that was going to have. I mean two kids are going to bone on a fucking splunking field trip. They're going to have at it wherever they are. There ain't nothing you can do to stop.

[Kevin Ryan]

You ever hook up in school?

[H. Foley]

In school?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. School grounds?

[H. Foley]

No. At that point everything was so. This wasn't like cameras. Yeah. You did high school. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh shit.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. I mean you Got to think at this point out, dude, we went to a new high school that was like a new facility that was. I mean, that was like. There was cops, there was like. We. We grew up watching the 80s. Like the fucking Zack Morris is who were like floating around doing whatever the. Ours. Yeah. We were in like a jail, essentially. Clear backpacks and things that started happening already that were like.

[Kevin Ryan]

Right.

[H. Foley]

You know.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Just post Columbine. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

I was 6 when Columbine happened.

[Kevin Ryan]

Damn.

[H. Foley]

10. What year?

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't know. It was 99, I believe. I was in my 20s, still in third grade. So we went to the Edgar Allan Poe House.

[H. Foley]

All right. Speaking of New York. All right, this is from Wyatt, Peter, the heater fiender. $10 debt collector. Never had one read our school, went to New York City on a band trip and walked down a road that our band leader said, quote, unquote, reeked of shrimp and cum. The fucked up part was that it wasn't a teacher saying it, but he was spot on with the description. There's got to be more over. You can't be saying that in front of kids.

[Kevin Ryan]

Can I say. Can I say this. And this isn't just because of American Pie, but when you look back on the band kids, they actually.

[H. Foley]

Freaky deaky.

[Kevin Ryan]

Freaky deaky. It probably wasn't that bad of a.

[H. Foley]

Time, theater kids for us.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Yeah. If I could go back and do it all again, I would have done that shit. Got in the band, got in the theater, all that kind of stuff, you.

[H. Foley]

Know, laid off the bread.

[Kevin Ryan]

Lace. Sure. My school needed me at the time, though. You know what I mean?

[H. Foley]

What?

[Kevin Ryan]

They needed me out there on that line.

[H. Foley]

Oh.

[Kevin Ryan]

But if I can liquidate.

[H. Foley]

They needed you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like when Captain America didn't come back in the end of the.

[H. Foley]

Just to get straight, you're equating yourself to Captain America? Just so I was zoned out for a second. Just make sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

It would have been nice, you know what I mean? Due to plays, the chicks, all that stuff. Band was probably fun. I'd be a little smelly, though.

[H. Foley]

I Caramba.

[Kevin Ryan]

A lot of Clearasil back then. A lot of greasy kids. But, you know, I wouldn't be able to sit there and watch the football games, though, in the stands with the. Playing a trumpet or something like that.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, I'd have to be on the field. I'd have to be down there just doing it, saving the day.

[Kevin Ryan]

I didn't say any of that.

[H. Foley]

You said it like you were a cop who was sitting by Watching a crime happen. I couldn't just.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm just saying, in another life, that would have been fun.

[H. Foley]

I couldn't sit there with my mouth closed. I had to stand up. Who are you, Mark Wahlberg?

[Kevin Ryan]

Maybe. I. Maybe I would have been better in school. You know what I mean?

[H. Foley]

Nope, that wouldn't have happened.

[Kevin Ryan]

You don't think.

[H. Foley]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

If I wasn't, you know, I don't think out there on the line doing it.

[H. Foley]

No more school themes.

[Kevin Ryan]

Why?

[H. Foley]

Because you just talk about football.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, I don't. It was 48 years talking about wrestling.

[H. Foley]

Oh, sorry. The other sport you were mediocre at. Did you go to state? You win states?

[Kevin Ryan]

No, I went to States, though.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. To work the smack. I don't know. You're a state.

[Kevin Ryan]

I got two congressmen.

[H. Foley]

Sonny Bono.

[Kevin Ryan]

You done being rude?

[H. Foley]

No. You also. I mean, I was also like, I could have been in the band and I could have just stopped there. But then you had to go back to. But sitting in them stands come Friday night, the lights on. No way.

[Kevin Ryan]

But in the winter and shit. It would have been fun.

[H. Foley]

You watch. You watch the team lose through halftime. Then you're like, I can't do it no more. You take your tube off because you were playing the tuba and you know it.

[Kevin Ryan]

And I would have done.

[H. Foley]

And they'd be like, henry, Henry, no, we need you. We need you for the halftime show.

[Kevin Ryan]

I could have done both.

[H. Foley]

I can't let my team down.

[Kevin Ryan]

I could have done both.

[H. Foley]

You run in, the coach goes, what took you so long? Like you're fucking Shane Falco or something. Hold my reed, Shane Fatso.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay, I'm a buffoon.

[H. Foley]

Oh, me too. This is a question I have for you because I don't think my door's always open. I never liked church and state mingling.

[Kevin Ryan]

What does that mean?

[H. Foley]

Was Patty or your dad ever a chaperone?

[Kevin Ryan]

No, I do.

[H. Foley]

Hi. My. They would. And like, my mom was worth.

[Kevin Ryan]

I think I'm wrong. Maybe Patty was once.

[H. Foley]

But I couldn't always did. Maybe once.

[Kevin Ryan]

There was always my dad. The way that stuff was is there were parents that were good with that. That was always the same ones. Like, I don't know, just an example. Like Mrs. Jackson. She was like, good with all the kids. All the kids knew her. That kid could operate well in front of his mom and everybody else. He could kind of be. It was.

[H. Foley]

It was normalized for people. It would have not been no me and my mom or my dad. Definitely not my dad.

[Kevin Ryan]

I wouldn't have been able to be myself.

[H. Foley]

We would have been, we would have been like acting in a play. We would have been two different people, you know what I mean?

[Kevin Ryan]

Hello, mother.

[H. Foley]

Yes. Oh, mother, can I go? You know, meanwhile, I'm like going through a purse looking for heaters.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, I wouldn't want her to see what.

[H. Foley]

You know, I was really like, that's telling. Bad kid.

[Kevin Ryan]

Bad seed.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

She was working anyway.

[H. Foley]

Yes, I gotta work. Uh huh. Same. We were. My mom was never like the class mom or the what? When we had to bring the orange slices in the juice box, I was like, hey, drop them off and fucking, you know, hit the high road.

[Kevin Ryan]

My dad came to the high school one. I mean, they were always at, you know, my mom did a lot for like, you know, the football, like my senior, junior and senior year. Like, you know, she was like. She had like the, the night before the games, she'd blow the coach to.

[H. Foley]

Get you, to get you, to get your playing time, you know.

[Kevin Ryan]

He was supposed to play the tuba, I play the skin flute. That's my goddamn mother.

[H. Foley]

For the audio listener, he said that.

[Kevin Ryan]

How do you hear this? Should come up here and kick your ass. About to get that knee brace off.

[H. Foley]

Oh God, watch out. The one that she picked up at cvs, that thing ain't by a doctor.

[Kevin Ryan]

She would do all that kind of stuff. And she was very involved in like the car washes and all that stuff. But that's bikini.

[H. Foley]

Working at the car wash. You little.

[Kevin Ryan]

Want to make some money?

[H. Foley]

She's got a heater going, rubbing her.

[Kevin Ryan]

Tits on somebody's windshield.

[H. Foley]

Hurry up, I'm running out of suds.

[Kevin Ryan]

I take Venmo, Cash App and Zell.

[H. Foley]

This is recent. This is a couple of weeks here.

[Kevin Ryan]

Ah man. If you were on vacation now with your mom.

[H. Foley]

No, no.

[Kevin Ryan]

If you were on vacation with her now, like say orever you guys are. You guys are going down.

[H. Foley]

How did you guys pick? I pictured that the shot was from inside the car. Oh yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sudsing up with her titties. But if you went on vacation with your mom now to like a, to like a beach or something like that, and she walked out in a two piece, would you say something?

[H. Foley]

Yeah, I tell her, get her fucking floozy ass back upstairs. I'd make her be a Muslim or something. Swimming in a burqa. No way. Go get a hoodie, you hussy.

[Kevin Ryan]

What about you, Luke? Would you be okay with that? Your mom hold down in a two piece.

[H. Foley]

Freak out. Oh man.

[Kevin Ryan]

Start crying. The only time they ever really entered the school was my dad, for some reason. It was like career day or something like that. I can't remember what the circumstances were, but it was him and lieutenant Commander Dave Payne. They rolled in in their dress whites. Look like fucking Maverick and Iceman rolling through the hallways.

[H. Foley]

They're doing that slow walk through the hall, they turn the corner. Real sharp.

[Kevin Ryan]

Present, huh?

[H. Foley]

My fat ass.

[Kevin Ryan]

Kid flipping an M16. They got guns on them. Guys are recruiters. What are you doing? Yeah, they were thinking he was telling a couple tales about Nam. Straightened a couple of kids out.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

Some guy's dad's in there as an accountant. Lt Payne's talking about fucking.

[H. Foley]

I don't.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hanging in the jungle.

[H. Foley]

I don't know what it would take for my dad to be a chaperone. I. I genuinely. We'd have to be going to like a steam fitter convention or something that he was already working at. He would meet us there, It'd be late. There's no, like nothing. No. I come by my mom maybe at a young age.

[Kevin Ryan]

Did he ever do anything? Did he like coach baseball or little League?

[H. Foley]

Coach Baseball. Yeah. Then there was. He had to stop. There was these two. I told you. There's these two big ass twins that were bad as fuck. My dad was like, I'll beat them up. And you like told the dad, like, these kids are fucking. These kids were bad kids. Huge.

[Kevin Ryan]

But this was post divorce. Yeah. So he was still involved in shit like that?

[H. Foley]

Oh, he always. Well, yeah, all like recreational stuff he got you involved in. But like, yes, it went to school. He's like, going to school. Going to school. No way.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Was not his cup of tea.

[Kevin Ryan]

The show is sponsored by Better help.

[H. Foley]

You ain't lying gang.

[Kevin Ryan]

As you know, Uncle Hank and Aunt Kippy are very big proponents of talk therapy. Do yourself a favor. If you're struggling with something, something big, something from your childhood that's not really just sitting right with you and you don't really feel like yourself, do yourself a favor, get over to Better Help, because they can help also too, if it's just something small. If you just need to start bouncing stuff off of people just to get a little bit of, you know what I mean? Just to talk things out. BetterHelp can also help with that. It doesn't have to be some tragic thing. Your whole life doesn't happen to be falling apart yet. Nobody in this room.

[H. Foley]

And listen, mental health awareness is growing. Back in my day when I started, I couldn't even tell my. Tell my dad. He called me a Lady gave you.

[Kevin Ryan]

A bottle of Southern Comfort.

[H. Foley]

That's not the case anymore. There's still progress to be made, obviously. 2026% of Americans who participated in a recent survey said they have avoided seeking mental health due to fear of judgment. Which is wrong. Baby, get out there and scream it from the rooftop.

[Kevin Ryan]

And it's expensive. With BetterHelp, you're getting. You're getting it on the cheap.

[H. Foley]

Uh huh. BetterHelp is fully online, making therapy affordable and convenient. Serving over 5 million people worldwide. Easily switch therapists at any time. No extra cost. We're all better with help. And BetterHelp helps. Visit betterhelp.com garbage. You get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H E L P.com garbage.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do it. We love you.

[H. Foley]

This episode is brought to you by LifeLock. Not everyone is careful with your personal information, which might explain why there's a victim of identity theft every five seconds in the U.S. fortunately, there's LifeLock. LifeLock monitors hundreds of millions of data points a second for threats to your identity. If your identity is stolen, a US based restoration specialist will fix it. It guaranteed or your money back. Save up to 40% your first year by visiting lifelock.com podcast terms apply. But this. Dad, this is from Pooh Radley.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's a deep cut.

[H. Foley]

My head is my dad shout.

[Kevin Ryan]

You know what that's from? Excuse me.

[H. Foley]

Boo Radley.

[Kevin Ryan]

What's that from?

[H. Foley]

To Kill a Mockingbird.

[Kevin Ryan]

Whoa, look at you. Written by good friends with Truman Capote.

[H. Foley]

Harper Lee. Harper Lee.

[Kevin Ryan]

There you go.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. My dad chaperoned my third grade field trip up to D.C. from Fredericksburg. To preface, he was born and raised in Alexandria, Virginia. Our driver got off the interstate near D.C. and immediately started panicking in front of all the 10 year olds. He got lost and he was pissed off. My dad gets up, walks to the front of the bus, stands next to the bus driver and proceeds to navigate the driver through the city to our destination. Not only was he giving them navigational directions, I was hearing things like feather it a little bit and start breaking now. And he got one coming up on your right. He got us to the Air and Space Museum on schedule. Dude, shout out to a dad coming.

[Kevin Ryan]

In, calm, cool and collecting.

[H. Foley]

I'm your wingman, big dog. Take a deep breath. I don't even know what that means.

[Kevin Ryan]

Pump the brakes. Made it seem like they were skidding in.

[H. Foley]

I know.

[Kevin Ryan]

There you go.

[H. Foley]

Talk about whipping work. That is a. That's what a dad does. On. We never had those. That Those more blue collar, rougher that we always had. The dad who was like sweater vest kind of dad button buttoned up shirt kind of. We didn't have a real one. Yeah. T shirt, jeans. And Tim dad wasn't taken off of work at the job site. You know, that was. Pay that stuff for Broad. That's. What the.

[Kevin Ryan]

Fuck'S a clementine?

[H. Foley]

Like a little orange.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right.

[H. Foley]

Jesus Christ. This one's from Skid mark. That's great. 8th grade trip to Gettysburg. There you go.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[H. Foley]

The hotel had. Well, this is another thing. A lot of we. Which we've never done. There was a lot of overnight school field trips, which seems like a pedophile's dream.

[Kevin Ryan]

Is that right?

[H. Foley]

Well, I just like. I guess at the time that we grew up, that was like. You're not staying over with strange. Like that seems insane to me. You're going to stay at some weird, seedy hotel with weird people. I don't know.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[H. Foley]

No way was anybody. No one I know is. Parents signing off on it now.

[Kevin Ryan]

But that does keep going with this one because I got something to add.

[H. Foley]

To this eighth grade trip to Gettysburg. The hotel had free hbo. Word got around. And every boy was watching Katie Morgan review sex toys. Who's Katie Morgan? Someone ratted and the teachers came around to ruin the fun. Went to Hershey park the next day and got caught pickpocketing Kit Kats. How you doing? That's. I mean, in a hotel room with school people is. Seems insane to me. A hotel room with a teacher. That's yours.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm sure he had his own room.

[H. Foley]

You had your own room. I've heard there's stories here where they say there would be like three or four people to a room.

[Kevin Ryan]

We bunked up.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Three buddies were in a room together. Teachers had their own room. Yeah, listen, I get that. I'm just saying that's. We.

[Kevin Ryan]

You know, we had the sixth grade.

[H. Foley]

You shouldn't be sleeping next to a teacher's room ever. That's my rule.

[Kevin Ryan]

We had the sixth grade camping.

[H. Foley]

One kid. I think two kids had to bunk with a teacher. Whoa.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Fuck. There's no way that's flying now.

[H. Foley]

No. No chance. I mean, that long ago. He's a young kid. Yeah. 15 years ago.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's crazy. 15 years. I was 30. That's going on when I died.

[H. Foley]

You were 33, man.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's crazy.

[H. Foley]

I'm just.

[Kevin Ryan]

If I was the teacher, I'd be like, get the fuck out of here.

[H. Foley]

I'd sleep in a car. No Way.

[Kevin Ryan]

Fuck you. I'm not fucking bunking up with this kid.

[H. Foley]

That's what I'm saying is weird. It's just weird.

[Kevin Ryan]

Weird. But we. I remember. I don't know where it was. I want to say it was Philadelphia, because I don't feel like Philadelphia. I don't feel like we would have drove down to like D.C. or Virginia or something like that in a day. But I remember we went to like, like, it was like colonial times.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Had like the little huts where like the blacksmith was working.

[H. Foley]

This would have been a Renaissance fair.

[Kevin Ryan]

Maybe now. And like we tour. I remember touring a dining room that. That was like set from like colonial times. Because I remember it had that salt lick in it on the plate. They had. They used to have a mound of salt.

[H. Foley]

You would lick it.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, I just saying salt lick. It was like a. It was like a cone of salt and they would scrape salt off and sprinkle it.

[H. Foley]

That could have. I mean, Philly has the like old city stuff with like the Ben Franklin.

[Kevin Ryan]

Maybe it was down there.

[H. Foley]

That makes.

[Kevin Ryan]

I feel like I was in a field though, and they had all that stuff. That's where I found out how they. How they, you know, soft pretzels came first. It was soft pretzels first, then hard pretzels. They just left them in the oven too long, discovered that you can have them hard. Isn't that crazy? Wouldn't you think hard pretzels came first. It was soft pretzels or soft pretzels.

[H. Foley]

And hard pretzels in the United States anyway. I think I may.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, I guess it would have came over from Germany. Yeah, they would have been soft.

[H. Foley]

I don't know.

[Kevin Ryan]

See what was invented first, hard pretzels or soft pretzels. And where hard pretzels was invented. And let's get some hard pretzels.

[H. Foley]

This is a real chicken of the egg type thing.

[Kevin Ryan]

Where was the soft pretzel invented?

[H. Foley]

Gotta be like Germanic tribes or something. You think back then cooking my buddy, if I. You leave me. Those guys had nothing to do. I'd come up with. I'd come up with a soft pretzy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Pretty good.

[H. Foley]

Germans. Germans, Yep. But hard pretzel was. Or soft pretzel was first.

[Kevin Ryan]

It was, huh?

[H. Foley]

See, there you go.

[Kevin Ryan]

They had soft pretzels. All this shit that they didn't have. But yet they had soft pretzels.

[H. Foley]

But they couldn't mix it with screaming cold coke. And let me tell you, I'd rather be in hell sitting there with a dry ass mouth. But in the 1500s.

[Kevin Ryan]

Isn't that crazy to think that they had soft pretzels back then? That doesn't seem right.

[H. Foley]

It's probably.

[Kevin Ryan]

How bad could it have been there?

[H. Foley]

It was probably more of like a bread. I doubt it's the same exact style. You know what I mean? Not twist it up saying an Italian monk made them as a special treat for his students.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's funny. The monks come up with a lot.

[H. Foley]

Of shit on a field trip. They said. HBO is out.

[Kevin Ryan]

Monks come up with a lot of shit through history.

[H. Foley]

Yes. They're enlightened.

[Kevin Ryan]

What would.

[H. Foley]

And they got these motherfuckers don't have jobs they're taking out.

[Kevin Ryan]

Where were they getting cash? They were like think tanks.

[H. Foley]

Church.

[Kevin Ryan]

Really?

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Catholics.

[H. Foley]

I mean. Yeah. Just always. The church is always fund and everything.

[Kevin Ryan]

Huh. Good Italian monk come up with a soft pretzel. Is he a saint? He should be.

[H. Foley]

St. Snyder's saint.

[Kevin Ryan]

Ain't Annie's. Fair enough.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right. But I remember doing that one and I remember I hated it because it was so hot and boring and fucking. Those people were walking around in those colonial clothes and I was like, aren't you sweating?

[H. Foley]

Yeah, they were.

[Kevin Ryan]

You got soft pretzels back then? Nobody fucking invented a pair of shorts.

[H. Foley]

No water ice or nothing. Let me get a cherry Rita's, call it a day. Dude, be coolitaritas. Be coolitaritas. I wouldn't need shorts if you got a fucking Frosty Ritas. That'd be cool as ice.

[Kevin Ryan]

How about a couple Luigi's, A couple.

[H. Foley]

Italian ices for me and the boys?

[Kevin Ryan]

Supposed to eat this soft pretzel by itself. Like a man.

[H. Foley]

Summertime is. Is about to be right here. And in the Philadelphia Tri State area, there ain't nothing better than a Rita's water ice and a pretzel braid. Hard pretzels weren't invented until 1850.

[Kevin Ryan]

What? 1850?

[H. Foley]

Yeah. But dude, think about my eye.

[Kevin Ryan]

Just.

[H. Foley]

I remember I like almost stroke out. I remember. So obviously Rita's is a Italian ice place. It's a soft Italian ice. Not like the hard ones, like the little cups or anything. It's a soft. More like a Philadelphia institution that we call it water. Water ice, Italian ice. Italian ice, but soft and, you know, whatever. And the place readers, is. It's like a Wawa style chain, meaning it's. They're all over the place franchise. You would buy a pretzel. You'd buy three. You know, we'd buy like everybody. You go, everybody get a Walter ice. And we buy like three Pretzels. Me, my mom, Sarah, Danny. And you know, you munch on them and I know, I remember. And then they had a pretzel braid, which is like a loaf of pretzel.

[Kevin Ryan]

We had one at the Philly. We had one at the Birds game.

[H. Foley]

Did we?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, I think so.

[H. Foley]

Thick. As thick as could be. And I remember the day I was able to put that down by myself. Unread, ungoverned on any. I said, everybody, get out of my way. Felt like a monk in the 69. All right, let's see. This one's from Mr. Bevalakwa. I gotta be honest with you. A home run so far from the homies. Yeah. Talk about getting a. Getting the assignment.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[H. Foley]

My class once went on a field trip to San Francisco. Jesus, they're probably. Everybody leaves Blue Bell on their goddamn six hour flight. That TSA Precheck back then.

[Kevin Ryan]

That would be fun.

[H. Foley]

Flying with your.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, flying would be fun.

[H. Foley]

Well, we had. I didn't do it. But we had that our senior year. Everybody. Their senior class trip is Disney. Everybody goes. You don't. Not everybody. I mean, I remember being like $1500 and you share a room and there's like a hard curfew and you can't catch heaters. And I remember they were like, there's no smoking. I remember me and my fucking Sigh head buddies were like, fuck that.

[Kevin Ryan]

King had the 1500 anyway.

[H. Foley]

Could have for sure got it from my mom. Yeah, I remember her go. Because we wanted to go. We our boy or somebody found a trip for like 800 to King.

[Kevin Ryan]

Gotta work three more shifts so you.

[H. Foley]

Can get thrown out of Epcot to go to Cancun. It was 800 bucks to go to Cancun. Gee. I go, listen, you're saving 700. Just send me to fucking. She says. She goes, I'll do the Florida. You're not doing Cancun. She heard me call her A on the phone. That's butt dial.

[Kevin Ryan]

Come back pregnant.

[H. Foley]

Talk about the ultimate. I got braids in my hair.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm a bitch. Huh?

[H. Foley]

But so I didn't do it. But that was the. All my, you know, good group of friends all did it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[H. Foley]

It was the best sober fun I ever had. Suck my diesel. Yeah, but. All right, this one's from Mr. Babalakwa. My what? My class once went on a field trip to San Francisco. The school bus hit traffic on the way back. I had drank too much root beer. Oh, boy. And ended up having a pee so bad. I had my girlfriend hold a jacket around Me so I could pee into one of the empty root beer bottles. Who were you fucking Forrest Gump? I ended up overflowing and that bad boy and drenching all over myself and the bus. The whole class was there in high school. Ouch. That's a Todd. I mean peeing your pants.

[Kevin Ryan]

He had a girl.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. I'd be like, it's old. She was. No one knows what that. You know what I mean? Like, no one's like. Not everybody knows how much come there is in high school.

[Kevin Ryan]

She was ripping me off in the back seat. You know.

[H. Foley]

Crazy. I'm so wet. You're just like making stuff up. She was so wet. Dude.

[Kevin Ryan]

It'S a family show. Kevin.

[H. Foley]

Are you done talking about your mom rubbing her tits on windshield?

[Kevin Ryan]

I didn't say that.

[H. Foley]

Ergos. All right, let's see here. This is from Jackie Treehorn. I'm a Bucks county guy myself. A And my oldest kid did a second grade class feel. This is recent.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes. It's a good one.

[H. Foley]

My. And my oldest kid did a second. Wait, hold on. My oldest kid did a second grade class field trip to McCaffrey's a supermarket in Newtown. Now it's not kidding. They walked down the aisles, met the people behind the butcher counter and got to try on the aprons and got a tour to stockroom.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's not bad.

[H. Foley]

That's awesome.

[Kevin Ryan]

McCaffrey's is a nice organization.

[H. Foley]

I know that McCaffrey's. It used to be a genardi shout out. Pat and Flip both worked there. I worked about 50 yards up at the Acme.

[Kevin Ryan]

There you go.

[H. Foley]

Store number 7911.

[Kevin Ryan]

You know what McCaffrey's does? Nice is when you walk in, they have like a bunch of shit for like the house. I can't describe seasonal.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, it'll be like.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like that's what a flower department is.

[H. Foley]

And it's right next to the flower. They have the flowers on the right of the left. And then they'll have like, you know, kitchen towels and like, you know, baskets.

[Kevin Ryan]

And stuff for the not bad shout out to McCaffrey's.

[H. Foley]

It's a great American institution. And what a great. That is a great wholesome field trip as a nice. Because it's like a place you've been before. Like I know this. This is.

[Kevin Ryan]

But to go and study it intricately.

[H. Foley]

To put on an apron and get behind a butcher counter at 8 years old, that's all I wanted. I'd do that now.

[Kevin Ryan]

This is the red dye we put on the old Meat.

[H. Foley]

This is the rubbing alcohol we use to take off the expiration date.

[Kevin Ryan]

You kids can keep a secret, huh?

[H. Foley]

That's pretty good. All right. This is another one. This is from Cal. In fifth grade, my whole class walked over to the local dominoes. We went behind the counter. That's a little sad. Went behind the counter and made our own pizzas. That's a good time. It must have inspired a few of my classmates, because at least two of them still work there 25 years later.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, man. Anything food related? We talked about this a little bit before. Like, we went to Chi Cheese. Ever go out and get lunch anywhere?

[H. Foley]

Our. Our Spanish class in seventh grade. Or maybe ninth grade. Seventh or ninth. It had to be ninth grade. Took us to. It was in the shopping center we hung out at. Was.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

It was called Village Shires. And we were considered Shires. Rats. We'd go skate there to have people buy us heaters and stuff.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[H. Foley]

And a place called Merida's Cantina, which had a Sig machine in there, which we knew because we tried to sneak in there and get the Sig machine. And she warned us. Mrs. Grossman was a great teacher. She was like, listen, I've been taking every class there every semester for the past five years. I'm well aware of the Sig machine. No one, you know, no funny business. Play it fast. Play it straight. But we had gotten. We went to Pat's house because Pat lived right near the shopping center. And we got fucking stupid high, okay? Like. Like bomb. Like, sorry, look at you. Like. Like bong. 7th or 8th? 9th grade. Ripping. Bangers high.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[H. Foley]

On the move. Like, oh, we're gonna do this and go eat chips and, you know, burritos.

[Kevin Ryan]

And they're all freaked out.

[H. Foley]

Oh, my boy. Shout Out. Deli turned green. Proper green. And he's staring at me. He was freaking me.

[Kevin Ryan]

My enchilada's talking to me, man.

[H. Foley]

I did think he reached. He reached for something, and, like, his depth perception was off. And he cut, like, he, like, pricked his finger on something and he pulled it, but he went like that. And I went, what happened? Because something just bit me. And I'm like, dude, we gotta get the out of here, dude. We are behind enemy lines.

[Kevin Ryan]

Our junior year, they took us to an Indian joint called palace of Asia. Nobody ate a thing.

[H. Foley]

You guys are ordering dominoes, dude.

[Kevin Ryan]

Ah, it must have been chicken tikka masala. Looking back on it now, for sure, that's what.

[H. Foley]

They're not throwing anything higher than that at yet. The world Of Asia.

[Kevin Ryan]

I swear to God, this thing had eyeballs on it looking like, what? The. The smells in there. It just. I just wasn't ready for it.

[H. Foley]

No, of course.

[Kevin Ryan]

Of course it was. That restaurant thrived for years in our area. I think it was over in Fort Washington, but it was like a. Became like an institution for Indian cuisine. Now it's saffron over an Ambler. Delicious.

[H. Foley]

There you go. Yeah, that's. That's pretty good. All right, this one is. This is tooty side piece. Third time, long time. Never had one Red shout out. In high school, all the Italian classes would go to Little Italy in New York City from Long Island.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's awesome.

[H. Foley]

And we would eat lunch, then be given free range until the buses picked us up at 4:30 uptown at the Empire State Building. Kids would be getting piercings, buying bongs, getting fake IDs down in the village. This was all post 9 11. And I have no idea why they let us do this. It was crazy. We would smoke weed on the Bronx Zoo monorail. That's New York City, kid shit. That's like. That's nuts.

[Kevin Ryan]

Did you ever go down to the Italian market in Philly for a trip?

[H. Foley]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

It was too dangerous.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. The only thing in Philly we ever really did for a school field trip would be Franklin. Franklin Institute. I think that's it. Then it was like Amish country. We did a Renaissance fair. We did Medieval Times. We did the Bucks County Jailhouse. They locked us all up for, you know, a minute. And, you know, you're in there with, like, there's real guys being processed.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're in there already snitching.

[H. Foley]

I didn't do it, man. It was Foley.

[Kevin Ryan]

You got the Kool Aid on your lips. Your pockets are turned out.

[H. Foley]

I want to say we did it in college, too. It was actually the first time I was ever in New York. I was in college for my art history class. And we went to. I'd never been to New York.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hmm.

[H. Foley]

And I was on art history.

[Kevin Ryan]

Went to a jail.

[H. Foley]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh.

[H. Foley]

We went to a museum. And it was either MoMA or the.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't get a Met.

[H. Foley]

Probably the Met.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

I forget. Where's the Met? Upper east or Upper East?

[Kevin Ryan]

80Th.

[H. Foley]

It had to be that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure. That's where you would go. You wouldn't go to the MoMA. Start in the beginning at the Met. Like a gentleman.

[H. Foley]

Sure. I mean, you had to write, like. We had to pick six pieces. I ran into the first six pieces. I was like, this is inspires Me to whatever. Then I found myself like a middle of the road pizza spot a couple blocks away. I remember putting down.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're paying a still life.

[H. Foley]

I remember putting down a couple. I remember to my mind was so Philly Central.

[Kevin Ryan]

What a fat little bastard.

[H. Foley]

I'm like, they want 15 bucks for two slices of pizza.

[Kevin Ryan]

Smokes are $12.

[H. Foley]

He and I sat on the front steps of the Met just cranking heaters for four or five more hours. And the bus will be, you know, we left at like 6:00. We got here at 10.

[Kevin Ryan]

Ladies, man.

[H. Foley]

They were like, oh, we're doing like a group lunch up on the roof. I'm like, that's the last thing. I want to hang out with these art nerds. I'll be down.

[Kevin Ryan]

I already had half a pie.

[H. Foley]

I'll be downstairs in my sweatpants, smoking eaters. In my car goes my cargo pants, wet pants.

[Kevin Ryan]

If you see any hot chicks, talk me up, all right?

[H. Foley]

I remember it had to be the upper Easter. It was a rich neighborhood. And I remember there was signs that said, no honking. And I'm like, these rich don't even let you honk. What the. These dudes. This money is long up here, dog. I am. I am a long way from Bucks County. Like an old cash controlling a fucking noise. This one's from. I'm your pitcher, man. Shout out to picture man. Went to the local zooquarium in quotes in third grade. Best friend got his hand bitten by an ostrich. Him up good. That will you up, man.

[Kevin Ryan]

A combo zoo. Aquarium is tough.

[H. Foley]

That's a tough look.

[Kevin Ryan]

We had to have gone to the. Is there a Philadelphia aquarium?

[H. Foley]

Camden.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes. We would have had to have gone to that one. Aquarius.

[H. Foley]

We did the zoo. We did the Philadelphia Zoo out in West Philly.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, an aquarium is nice.

[H. Foley]

I feel like we probably did the Camden, but I don't feel like I went indoor ac.

[Kevin Ryan]

Very tranquil.

[H. Foley]

Dark. Yeah, sunny. Beating down on you like that. Good Fish sticks. Yeah. Farm to the table. Fresh. Never frozen in there. Eating shark meat. This eel. I'm trying. Yeah. We never had any real. Like we were supposed to have the New York and dc. Those were the big ones. But like I said, they got. They got fucking shit canned. Thanks a lot, Bin Laden. Fucking taking my good times. All right, let's see here in sixth. This is from cn. In sixth grade, we went to the Denver Zoo. Coming from several hours away, the buses stopped at a Wendy's on the way there. The chaperone for our bus was the History teacher who told us anyone who ate a Dave's triple Biggie size combo would get extra credit to bump up their grade. A full letter. A full full 10 points. That's a 32 ounce drink, a biggie sized French fry and a triple patty cheeseburger.

[Kevin Ryan]

How old were they?

[H. Foley]

Sixth grade. About nine of us tried it. Three of us completed it all, but we threw up on the bus outside of Denver. The history teacher wasn't allowed to chaperone after that. This dude did. The times were wild.

[Kevin Ryan]

Awesome, man. That's if anybody can get a triple in them. That's great.

[H. Foley]

That's a good.

[Kevin Ryan]

They should have gave that guy a promotion.

[H. Foley]

I don't know about that. Oh, God, dude, that's so funny.

[Kevin Ryan]

A full grade. That's awesome.

[H. Foley]

This one's from Erock. Chaperoning my kids fields trip has taught me one thing. Never trust a kid with a raspy voice. Hey, Mr. Foley. What are you doing? Yeah, no, Mr. Angeluno.

[Kevin Ryan]

Can I go over here?

[H. Foley]

He's whispering. Thief. Hey. I don't want nobody to notice but.

[Kevin Ryan]

You wearing a wire. A kid with harassment.

[H. Foley]

Kid with a raspberry.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't know if I've ever heard a kid with a rest.

[H. Foley]

I don't know. I don't know if I want to though. Creep me out.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's great.

[H. Foley]

Oh, fuck me, dude. All right. This one's from Mark. My mom drove behind the school's bus for his school field trip because she didn't have the cash to pay for the bus. But it was great because the coolest kid in school who was also not allowed on trips came with us. Making us. Making us the cool kids by association for years to come.

[Kevin Ryan]

Whoa.

[H. Foley]

You're hanging out with Steve?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. That's pretty good.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. You're lumped in. Wow. Socially at a young age. Obviously. School is a very docile social ecosystem.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[H. Foley]

Your ie. Your mom going on a field trip. Not being the cool mom, yelling at a kid. That. That's. That could. That could ruin a couple years for you. These kids are finicky. You know the finicky's ecosystem.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's why I never again never had Patty around.

[H. Foley]

Of course my mom can't be trusted. You know what I mean?

[Kevin Ryan]

And they're quoting the bible or something.

[H. Foley]

Leviticus 8. Shut the fuck. Who raised you? That's what my mom was saying. You got an attitude problem. Threatening kids to watch your mouth.

[Kevin Ryan]

The shit out of you.

[H. Foley]

Little take you down. She always used to threaten to take us down to Kensington and Allegheny. I think you think you're tough? You think you're Dove? Take you down to Kensington Isle again, drop you all, see how tough you are. You like to wear your pants low? Wear them low. Down here, wear them low. I have Uncle Den come up here and kick the shit out of you.

[Kevin Ryan]

In your case, it just didn't fit. Couldn't pull them up.

[H. Foley]

Or my dad's. The threats of Uncle Dan coming to kick my ass. He's a great guy. You don't want to, you know. You don't want to cross him. No, he was the quiet one. And you're like, he will fucking. Oh, yeah, he'll fucking jab you right in the throat.

[Kevin Ryan]

Uncle Mike. I'll call Uncle Mike. If my dad was away, I'll call Uncle Mike. I didn't want him pulling up in his fucking LeBaron or whatever. Whatever Cutlass business car he had. Put an extra start shirt on and his tie real tight with a Winston hanging out and his face all beat red. Come in and beat my ass.

[H. Foley]

Call me back from supper for this because the fat one got an attitude problem.

[Kevin Ryan]

What's the problem? Nothing. She's a.

[H. Foley]

You know how these bitches are.

[Kevin Ryan]

Let me get one of them. Winston's old man.

[H. Foley]

Boy, I tell you, rubbing your stuff. Thank God you're here. This is breaking my stones.

[Kevin Ryan]

You tell me if that meatloaf is cooked. Huh? Huh? You believe this skim milk?

[H. Foley]

It's. Give me if my homework's done. Is my laundry done? Mike. You start calling on Mike. Not even Uncle Mike. Mike, Get a load of this.

[Kevin Ryan]

I get home, brought a burn of salad, you know what I mean? This chicken up a crouton. Uncle Mike, you know what I'm talking about Here, you want a cup of decaf?

[H. Foley]

Hey, Ma, throw in a pot. Mike just got here.

[Kevin Ryan]

Just trying to flip it real quick. Thank God.

[H. Foley]

Holy shit.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm at my wit's end with this broad.

[H. Foley]

All right? If it wasn't for the kids, I'd have left years ago.

[Kevin Ryan]

Is her sister as big of a pain in the ass?

[H. Foley]

Was it her sister? It was your dad's brother.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, it's my. My mom's first cousins. My mom was an only child, so her family. They're my aunts and uncles.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, it's trashy. I get it.

[Kevin Ryan]

He wasn't related to me at all. It was through marriage.

[H. Foley]

Some guy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Ah, dude. But he treated me like I was his kid. He was the best. Yeah. Shout out to Uncle Mike.

[H. Foley]

That's hilarious.

[Kevin Ryan]

Has work, by the way.

[H. Foley]

Ball still coming down on you. I mean, I get. Reminds me of the scene in Donnie Brasco when he meets Donnie's kid or when he meets Al Pacino. Lefty's kid.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

And he's on the junk.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

And he goes. He's like, yeah, why don't you don. He's like, yeah, why don't you try slap him around a bit. He goes, my hands are black and blue. Like, he's like, I can't even do it. You know, I try it. I get my hands. I got bruises on my hands from slapping this kid around.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right.

[H. Foley]

All right. But to go back to that. The ecosystem to have what a. What a turn of series of events to be like, you don't have the cash to go on the field trip.

[Kevin Ryan]

Worked out for you.

[H. Foley]

But our school used to go, if you can't do it, the teacher would be like, if you can't do it, come. Come up to me. He would. They would even say like privately or like, whatever. Let someone know and we'll take. Like take it on a petty cash or something. Slush fund.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

There was nothing ever really exciting. Expensive. 12 bucks for the buses or something. You know what I mean? It's also walking around all the goddamn fucking property taxes these people are paying. You can't get a bus for today. I gotta come out of pocket for a fucking cheese buzz.

[Kevin Ryan]

No shit. And walking around money was, you got what you got. Maybe you got three bucks, maybe you got five, maybe you got a 20. I don't.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, whatever you had.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, I don't always. That stuff always makes me sad though, to think about that.

[H. Foley]

What?

[Kevin Ryan]

Kids not being able to like the kids that can't afford lunch or something like that. I remember that story a few years ago where the they were refusing if kids parents hadn't paid their lunch bill.

[H. Foley]

Oh, yeah. They were like calling them in and embarrassing them and.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, they were getting to the end of the line with their lunch tray and they were taking the kids lunch away.

[H. Foley]

Your dad's a deadbeat. He owes us for 14.

[Kevin Ryan]

That lunch lady's face open. That's so up. Let the kid eat. Embarrassing him like that.

[H. Foley]

See where this emotion's coming from? A fat guy with bad teeth.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, no, it's because Patty was so nice to this one kid, Joel, who didn't have a. Oh, that good thing.

[H. Foley]

You'Re Aaron is fucking business out there, you fucking rat.

[Kevin Ryan]

He couldn't afford his baseball membership to Little League. And Patty would always. He was at the. Lived at the bottom of our neighborhood. With like 50 kids. I don't know what the mom and dad were doing, but you'd go down there, they were hanging out the windows, and she would drive him to fucking Little League, and she paid for his uniform and all that stuff.

[H. Foley]

Mm.

[Kevin Ryan]

She's good shit, that Patty.

[H. Foley]

Amen.

[Kevin Ryan]

Good kid.

[H. Foley]

Sure thing. But, yeah, but for that to turn, to go from like, this could be embarrassing to we're now the cool kids. Bang. That's all right. That is all. I would just say I'm sick. I ain't going. I'm. I would. I'd have to put my foot down out of social anxiety and embarrassment to go, Denise, shut your mouth and turn this car around. Let's stop at a wawa and maybe an epic video. I can go watch some fucking movies. You ain't taking. I'm not rolling up to Marita's cantina sitting at the mom next to it or whatever.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, yeah, she's sitting there with a glass of wine.

[H. Foley]

Hey, Tim. Already?

[Kevin Ryan]

She got a carafe. A carafe lunch.

[H. Foley]

I thought we didn't have the money. You're here drinking it all.

[Kevin Ryan]

You got white Zinn money, huh?

[H. Foley]

Ah, ma' am. This is just Nuzzis Rory. Ten dollar homie. Never have one Red. Went to a local farm when we were pretty young. As we went to leave, the bus went off the dirt path and tipped over. No one got hurt, but it scared the shit out of us. The farmer used his tractor to pull us back onto the path, and we carried on with our day.

[Kevin Ryan]

Get the fuck out of here.

[H. Foley]

That would be on the front page of every news channel. That would be great. I'd be on Tick tock. That'd be everywhere that happened now. Jesus. A flip in a bus. Who's driving? Otto Simpson. And then just to roll it over and go, let's go. That's it, man.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's fucking crazy.

[H. Foley]

Jesus Christ.

[Kevin Ryan]

Jesus. Wait, who was. When was that?

[H. Foley]

It didn't say. Fuck. I mean, it wasn't in the 2000s, I'll tell you that much. That didn't happen. Now, that would be. That guy. I mean, that. People would be losing licenses. Not around kids. There'd be civil suits galore.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, that was a thing. Like, back, you were like a. You'd be at an institution and something would happen. You just go, that's nuts. And everybody would just kind of look at each other. Then you just keep moving, get picked up and go home.

[Kevin Ryan]

You ever see that video where the bus driver has a heart attack? And the one and the kids all handle it very well. Like the one.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

And he comes up, the one kid takes the wheel, the other one's doing cpr. Guys filling out his time sheet for him. They fucking handle it.

[H. Foley]

No one's that. I've never been on a bus where that would have happened.

[Kevin Ryan]

People are diving out the back.

[H. Foley]

I mean, we were, yeah, lawless. Winging shit out the windows at cars or eating cars with M&M's.

[Kevin Ryan]

And we had a guy pull us over one time. Yeah, like fucking flagged on a bus. And like got like. On the bus was like, you like giving the finger or whatever the fuck we were doing. Fucking had. Had the nom vet up front. You think you're getting through him?

[H. Foley]

This driver's got no legs. Let's see. I think we got time for one or two more here. Hit me. This is from Mushy. Man. I pissed all over myself when I got lost in the underground part of Rockefeller center on a band trip. Had to call the chaperone parent to come find me with my wet clothes. Told everybody waiting on the bus for me, oh, you get there and everybody's there and you got wet pan pants.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wonder why he pissed himself.

[H. Foley]

Probably scared. Couldn't find a bathroom. These band kids, they're freaks. I told everybody waiting on the bus for me that I spilled perfume all over myself. I broke the bottle of perfume I got for my mom to hold up the story.

[Kevin Ryan]

Nice.

[H. Foley]

That's a liar. And I like.

[Kevin Ryan]

Way to go.

[H. Foley]

We were in New York to march in the Macy's Day Parade as munchkins as the wizard of from the wizard of Oz.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

And dude, what a. What a brilliant nervous kid. Thinking like an adult. I broke this perfume. Covers the peace.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm big on that.

[H. Foley]

Covers the pee smell. Explains the wetness. You're out clean.

[Kevin Ryan]

Take the lie as far as you can, huh? Remember that, kids? Yeah, something like that. Hey, you believe this? Broken.

[H. Foley]

That sucker. I shit my pants. All right. This one's from John Michael. $10, homie. Did you ever have a kid that would get injured on every field trip? My friend Tim in fifth grade had just gotten his cast removed from his arm and then broke it again on the monkey bars at the zoo. They took us back to the entrance and we all watched him get carted off in an ambulance. He's giving the thumbs up. I'll be alright, kids. Save my snacks. That's a tough look. I never, luckily never got hurt or nothing like that in like public places, like with a group of people like that.

[Kevin Ryan]

I got hydrochloric acid diluted, escorted in my eyes and had to use the fucking thing.

[H. Foley]

Eye flush.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Yikes.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, it was actually very soothing. Try to get a wrestling practice that day. No dice. Mr. Landis would have it. What are you going to do?

[H. Foley]

They needed the kid on the line.

[Kevin Ryan]

Breeding champions.

[H. Foley]

Look at this. Another great story about me being a star athlete.

[Kevin Ryan]

What a fun one. Gang, thank you so much for tuning in. Get to take us to the Back on the Block tour, pick up some cards, the whole nine yards. We love you and we'll see you next week.

[H. Foley]

Post.