Fighting Demons w/ Big Jay Oakerson

Summary

Podcast Summary: Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast – Episode: Fighting Demons w/ Big Jay Oakerson

Release Date: May 12, 2025
Hosts: Kevin Ryan & H. Foley
Guest: Big Jay Oakerson

---

Introduction and Guest Welcome (00:17 – 02:14)

The episode kicks off with hosts Kevin Ryan and H. Foley introducing their guest, Big Jay Oakerson, a renowned stand-up comedian known for his engaging crowd work specials on YouTube. Kevin humorously refers to Oakerson's upcoming project, "the Chronicles of Jason," teasing future developments in a playful manner.

Notable Quote:

• Kevin Ryan (02:00): "He has not one but two specials out on YouTube right now. It's a double part them and they crowd work special, proving once again why he truly is one of the best stand-up comedians working today."

---

Smoking Cessation Conversations (02:14 – 04:03)

The trio delves into the challenges of quitting smoking, sharing personal anecdotes and struggles. H. Foley recounts attempting to quit at the start of the year but falling ill, which motivated him to continue his journey to quit smoking. Big Jay discusses the isolation felt when trying to quit alone and reflects on societal perceptions of smokers.

Notable Quotes:

• H. Foley (03:56): "If you're going to do it, you're already 10 days in. Like, just fucking roll with it."
• Big Jay Oakerson (02:53): "No matter if your friends who smoke are wheezing, coughing, having trouble sleeping, migraines, anything from as soon as they stop."

---

Airport ID Troubles (04:03 – 06:02)

The conversation shifts to the frustrations surrounding obtaining a Real ID for airport security. The hosts share experiences dealing with TSA agents, emphasizing the inconvenience and added time it takes if one doesn't possess a Real ID. They humorously discuss alternative solutions like using a passport or the possibility of TSA PreCheck.

Notable Quotes:

• Kevin Ryan (04:18): "Mike Fenoy just told me he was at the airport today. And the guy was so nasty because he uses passport."
• Big Jay Oakerson (05:20): "But I saw something today. They said there might be a separate line for people with the passport."

---

Wedding Woes and Wardrobe Malfunctions (06:02 – 12:05)

Big Jay shares his humorous yet relatable experiences attending a wedding, highlighting issues with wardrobe choices, such as oversized pants and the absence of a tie. The hosts laugh over his attempts to adjust his attire on the spot, leading to awkward but funny situations on the dance floor.

Notable Quotes:

• Big Jay Oakerson (08:03): "I was like, maybe this is a tuck the shirt in situation."
• H. Foley (09:03): "Have you got your heart-shaped boxers on?"

---

Body Image and Cosmetic Surgery (12:05 – 25:06)

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to discussions about body image, weight loss, and the contemplation of cosmetic surgery. Big Jay humorously debates the pros and cons of procedures like tummy tucks, expressing apprehension about the potential outcomes and the fear of anesthesia. The conversation also touches on societal pressures and the humorous side of self-improvement endeavors.

Notable Quotes:

• Big Jay Oakerson (26:08): "Once you've damaged your body as much as I have, for sure. It is so funny to kind of have to come back to the reality of that situation."
• H. Foley (26:36): "He's like, well, I'm gonna have to get surgery for all that loose skin. I'm like, the least of our problems you got going on right now."

---

Comedy and Personal Anecdotes (25:06 – 44:57)

The hosts and Big Jay dive into various comedic stories, including mishaps with public bathrooms, funny encounters at parties, and reflections on past jobs. They share light-hearted banter about holding in nature's calls in public settings and the anxiety it brings, all infused with their signature humor.

Notable Quotes:

• Big Jay Oakerson (30:45): "The enjoyment people have over the interrogation, I'm like never makes sense."
• H. Foley (43:14): "Poop paranoia."

---

Listener Questions and Interactive Segment (44:57 – 69:38)

Engaging with their audience, the hosts address listener-submitted questions. Topics range from evaluating whether certain actions make someone "garbage" to humorous takes on everyday situations like bathroom etiquette at parties and the significance of holding one's breath. Big Jay shares personal insights and comedic perspectives on each query, maintaining an interactive and entertaining atmosphere.

Notable Quotes:

• H. Foley (48:32): "Is it garbage to hit the heavy bag at the gym like a pro in hopes that the owner who runs a boxing gym watches the security footage and discovers me?"
• Kevin Ryan (54:46): "I was always amazed by people like that. Like, they would be like, I just got fired or whatever. And then they'd be like, yeah, they gave me three months with the summer off."

---

Promotions and Sponsors (Throughout Episode)

Interspersed within the main content are segments promoting sponsors such as Aura Frames, BlueChew, True Classics, and LifeLock. These promotions are seamlessly integrated into the conversation, often accompanied by humorous commentary from the hosts.

Notable Promotions:

• Aura Frames: "If you want a guaranteed grand slam home run... Aura Frames is the way to go."
• BlueChew: "Do yourself a favor and get some Blue Chew... discover your [e-mail]."
• True Classics: "True Classics delivers premium essential, built for real life. Grab yours at Target or Costco or head over to trueclassic.com garbage to get hooked up today."
• LifeLock: "Lifelock monitors hundreds of millions of data; if your identity is stolen, a US-based restoration specialist will fix it, guaranteed."

---

Conclusion and Closing Remarks (69:38 – End)

As the episode wraps up, the hosts and Big Jay reiterate their appreciation for their audience and promote Big Jay's upcoming tour and specials. They encourage listeners to engage with their content across various platforms and express gratitude for the support.

Notable Quote:

• Big Jay Oakerson (69:36): "Thank you guys. Love you."

---

Key Takeaways

• Relatability Through Humor: The episode effectively uses humor to discuss everyday challenges, making the content both entertaining and relatable.
• Guest Expertise: Big Jay Oakerson's experiences and comedic prowess add depth and authenticity to the discussions.
• Interactive Engagement: By addressing listener questions, the podcast fosters a sense of community and inclusion.
• Seamless Sponsorship Integration: Sponsors are promoted in a manner that complements the conversational flow without disrupting the listener's experience.

---

This episode of "Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast" offers a blend of humor, personal anecdotes, and engaging discussions, wrapped in the comedic talents of its hosts and guest. Whether you're a regular listener or tuning in for the first time, the episode promises laughter and relatable stories that highlight the "garbage" in all of us with a comedic twist.

Transcript

[Kevin Ryan]

Gang, Tickets for the Back on the Block tour are going quick, baby, so get them. What a gettin is good.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. We're coming to San Francisco, Portland, Seattle, Burlington, Boston, Atlanta, Charlotte, Raleigh, Richmond, Baltimore, Philly, Rochester and Toronto. All tickets [e-mail] We'll See yous on the road.

[Big J Okerson]

Welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage?

[Kevin Ryan]

The show where you find out if.

[Big J Okerson]

Your favorite comedians are classy individuals or or absolute trash.

[Kevin Ryan]

Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is are you garbage? Oh, yeah, it's our little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that if they're to be classy or they're just a big old piece of trash. Garbage, I'm your host. A trolley coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in the new edition. She's down at the DMV getting her real id. Wanted to remind everybody the deadline's coming out.

[H. Foley]

He writes what he knows. He's struggling with that at the moment.

[Kevin Ryan]

Mike Hoes is coming at you from right next to me. Pay no mind to him. He is the CEO of RU Garbage. He is an international businessman and he's my best pal in the whole wide world and I love him. Give it up for kj Kevin James Ryan, everybody.

[H. Foley]

What up, gang? Shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in as always. Please make sure you rate view subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Also full video available over there on Spotify. Gang. Check that out. And obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com garbage. Go over there, get all that bonus content and go get some live tickets. The boy the Back on the black tour on sale right now, gang.

[Kevin Ryan]

We couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest back with us today. One more time for the final episode of the Chronicles of Jason. After this, he will be donated to the Frito Lay Institute for further research and testing. Be cryogenically frozen.

[Big J Okerson]

It's time to get inside.

[H. Foley]

Studied for years, Inside man.

[Kevin Ryan]

He has not one but two specials out on YouTube right now. It's a. It's a double part them and they crowd work special, proving once again why he truly is one of the best stand up comedians working today. Give it up for Big J Okerson, everybody.

[Big J Okerson]

Thank you, gentlemen.

[Kevin Ryan]

Look at him. Double album. Hitting him with it.

[Big J Okerson]

Good to see you Smashing Pumpkins so blown away. You guys have stopped smoking.

[H. Foley]

I know. I Saw you did.

[Big J Okerson]

I've been thinking about.

[Kevin Ryan]

That was a lonely heater you had out. Hey.

[H. Foley]

Flicked. He came over.

[Big J Okerson]

He came out of me.

[H. Foley]

He's like, so what did you not even just want to smoke anymore? And I went, no. And I saw him look at it and go. And just flicked it over the balcony.

[Big J Okerson]

What the am I doing? I'm gonna be the last.

[Kevin Ryan]

So out there by yourself.

[H. Foley]

That should be your next.

[Big J Okerson]

No matter if your friends who smoke are wheezing, coughing, having trouble sleeping, migraines, anything from as soon as they stop.

[H. Foley]

You'Re like, you're in it together. When you're. When you're all dying, you're like, we're in it together.

[Big J Okerson]

How about that feeling? Have you guys gotten rid of the. Or do you still see it? Maybe don't even do it. I'm an airport. Particularly when you go outside to smoke before I go in. We used to love it, but not even that. It's looking around. When I see an 80 year old guy over there, I'm like, nice.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, really?

[Big J Okerson]

You can do it?

[H. Foley]

The whole thing?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

See, I do that. I'll be outside smoking or something like that and I'll look around and I'll see like the grossest woman ever.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, yeah.

[H. Foley]

Start hitting on her like a lady.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like a lady. I'm 37, that looks like it's built like a pirate.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, I'd be like, what am I doing?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

And I think about what I look like. People see me smoking, they must have been like, what the is wrong with this guy? He's not gonna make it.

[H. Foley]

A little too close to the sun, this big fella.

[Big J Okerson]

Do you guys have a hard, hard time?

[H. Foley]

First couple weeks I. I will see, I wanted to quit. I was like, oh, I'll quit at the beginning of the year. The beginning of in January. And at the end of December, I got real sick. Covid or flu, whatever the fuck it was. And so I was out of commission for 10 days. And I was like, hey, man, if you're going to do it, you're already 10 days in. Like, just fucking roll with it.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, it's great. It's the move. Yeah, not me. I like Marine crawl outside, smoke one.

[H. Foley]

He's on a radio.

[Kevin Ryan]

I was over it. I confessed to him today. I had a couple. On Thursday, I was dealing with something. I had a couple. But it's funny.

[Big J Okerson]

Is it real id?

[Kevin Ryan]

God damn. I can't find this dmv. Did you get yours, by the way?

[Big J Okerson]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'll have Tony get it?

[Big J Okerson]

Mike Fenoy just told me he was at the airport today. And the guy was so nasty because he uses passport. It's not even time yet. But he gave the passport and he was like. He goes. And he scan. He goes. He goes, it's not working. Give me something else.

[Kevin Ryan]

What's.

[Big J Okerson]

He fucking was like, No, I goes, it works. It's a.

[H. Foley]

It's a passport.

[Big J Okerson]

It's a passport. And he goes, I don't have my real ID yet. He said the guy was like, that's obvious. He's mad at you for not getting it yet. I went to get a new ID a couple years ago.

[H. Foley]

That's not right.

[Big J Okerson]

Over here.

[H. Foley]

Must have been in the late 90s.

[Big J Okerson]

No, like two years ago over here. And they were. It was still like this. They've been. They've been threatening the real ID for five years.

[H. Foley]

Well, they keep pushing.

[Kevin Ryan]

I feel like they're gonna push it again. Nobody's gotten it.

[Big J Okerson]

I feel like they're going to also.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, no, I think. I think that's already past that, though. That 11th hour.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't know.

[Big J Okerson]

I mean, it's the fifth today. They got two more days. The 11th hour.

[Kevin Ryan]

By the time this comes out, we'll all be screwed.

[Big J Okerson]

But they really make it seem like it's like you're totally fucked. Like. Or I could bring my passport, right?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. But I saw something today. That's what. That's. You mentioned Feno, you dealing with it. I was curious to get some intel. They said that if. There might be a separate line for people with the passport.

[H. Foley]

If you don't have the real PSA.

[Kevin Ryan]

Pre check, I'm not taking my goddamn shoes off.

[Big J Okerson]

No, fuck that.

[Kevin Ryan]

And then they said it could be an extra.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm throwing.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, they said it could be an extra half an hour. What's this all about, anyway? What's this?

[H. Foley]

Haliban. Make sure you're not on no list or nothing.

[Big J Okerson]

Shoe bombs. Try to cut down on shoe bombings.

[H. Foley]

It's fucking bullshit.

[Big J Okerson]

It is bullshit.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't mind carrying my passport, but.

[Big J Okerson]

When I went to.

[H. Foley]

I'm tough guy. I'll do it. I give a fuck.

[Kevin Ryan]

I feel classier when I have it on me anyway.

[Big J Okerson]

Me, too.

[H. Foley]

We went through the airport the other day, and we. We were in a smaller Air Minneapolis, small airport. And it was like, you know, sometimes it's like, all gates this way, all gates that way. So we went to the one, and it didn't have TSA PreCheck, but there was no line. And it was like the TSA PreCheck was like a 500 yards away. So we're like. I'm like, I'm just fucking going through here. I'm not going all the way back. I turn around because we had to take our shoes.

[Kevin Ryan]

This was weeks ago. He was bringing up old shit.

[H. Foley]

It's the last flight we took. I turn around, he's standing there. Well, yeah, it's like belts off, shoes. Oh, you're saying you're standing there like you're an intake.

[Big J Okerson]

Spread your ass cheeks and cough.

[H. Foley]

They're hitting you with the D Lausers.

[Big J Okerson]

Slick back. What was that? Was that American me? Slick back your nuts and hold your.

[H. Foley]

Dick back to grab your sack.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's a deep cut. Is that Edward James Almost?

[Big J Okerson]

Hell yeah, it is.

[Kevin Ryan]

Shout out to him.

[Big J Okerson]

Remember he got out and he was so used to prison that when he had sex with a girl the first time, he just flipped her over and aggressively butt fucked her.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't think that's how it works. I don't think you get out and goes, I'm his butt fucking.

[Kevin Ryan]

He was the captain in Miami Vice. I always loved him.

[Big J Okerson]

He was. He always. Him and Dane Cook are the two people. I was big. I would describe people's cheeks as that. If someone had those cheeks. Edward James Olmo's cheeks.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[H. Foley]

That's a very. That's a big.

[Kevin Ryan]

I didn't have any socks on is.

[H. Foley]

What he's going to say standing there, no belt. His pants are falling down and he's barefoot in a. Dude just like fucking pterodactyl toes.

[Kevin Ryan]

And I had not had a petty in a long time.

[Big J Okerson]

That just reminded me of.

[H. Foley]

You lived under a bridge.

[Big J Okerson]

This is good garbage. I went to Vecchion's wedding down in Florida, right? Yeah, yeah. And I've lost weight. And I know, and I know, I know that. So I told Christine was meet me down there. And I go, hey, can you just bring like one of my black pairs of dress pants and black shirt?

[H. Foley]

That's real bad if you don't know the wardrobe.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, they're all the same size. It doesn't matter. I was like. I was like. And they're gonna be a little big on me. So I was like, you know, make sure you bring a belt. I got a belt.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's even sweeter. People are complimenting you. It's baggy, huh?

[Big J Okerson]

Sure. Yeah. Except I was even thinking to myself, and I go, maybe this is a tuck the shirt in situation.

[H. Foley]

That's what you're thinking?

[Big J Okerson]

Maybe has.

[H. Foley]

That's been a while for you? When was the last time you tucked.

[Big J Okerson]

A shirt in quite some time. It's been quite some time.

[H. Foley]

15, 20 years.

[Big J Okerson]

It's been a long time. I mean, where I've. Yeah, my wedding.

[H. Foley]

That's pretty good, though.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. Yeah. So that's. It's a long time ago, but so I was like, maybe I'll tuck my shirt in. And then when I'm putting the clothes on, first thing, I put the go to pull the pants up where the shirt already looks hilarious on me. It's so wide is what looks so funny. So it's like, it looks like I'm wearing my dad's shirt. And then I go to put the pants on when I. I mean, when I pull them up, they're not touching my body at all.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Whoa.

[Big J Okerson]

I was like, shit. I was like, well, thank God I have a belt. And I go put the belt on. It's suspender pants. There's no belt on. There's no loops. There's no loops. I'm finding this out 30 minutes before we're supposed to be at wedding.

[Kevin Ryan]

Did you have suspenders on you?

[Big J Okerson]

Nope.

[Kevin Ryan]

Why would you?

[Big J Okerson]

What I had was Carrot Top, Robin Williams.

[H. Foley]

Are you doing your Gallagher bits anymore?

[Big J Okerson]

What I had was that belt that then became. I wore it. I left the shirt untucked.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Big J Okerson]

And I put the belt around the pants like a hillbilly with a rope keeping up his jeans.

[Kevin Ryan]

And then flipped them over.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. Whoa. And then had to going. And everyone's going, hey, man, why aren't you dancing? Like, I can't dance.

[H. Foley]

Jay, we know you love to dance. Why are you not out there on the dance floor?

[Big J Okerson]

I have a song in my heart. I love to move my body but I can't tonight they would have fell.

[H. Foley]

I'm only doing.

[Big J Okerson]

Every time I moved around, I felt like it was starting to come through. Like the. You had like, pull it back up.

[Kevin Ryan]

You got your heart shaped boxers on.

[Big J Okerson]

Why are you dancing? I don't want to dance.

[H. Foley]

It's stupid just sitting there with your jacket still on.

[Kevin Ryan]

What is. So that's a lot of weight loss have you. I mean, those fit, right?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Those are new?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, 36.

[H. Foley]

Get the fuck out of here. What size shirt you doing? XL to it?

[Big J Okerson]

What do you sell? Yeah, XLT. I could do 36.

[Kevin Ryan]

God damn. It's like a supermodel.

[Big J Okerson]

It's under the belly still.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, that's all right.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's okay.

[H. Foley]

Who you think I am, Matt Damon or something?

[Big J Okerson]

It's not even a great example. I wish I could get down to Matt Damon size. We bought a zoo. Matt Damon.

[H. Foley]

I ever tell you that I had surgery?

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm no Vincent d' Onofrio.

[H. Foley]

You'll appreciate this. I had surgery.

[Big J Okerson]

My like middle range bodies. He goes, what am I, Michael Rappaport over here thinking I'm gonna buy an extra large shirt?

[H. Foley]

Surgery on my arm and my, my hand and I couldn't butt my, my. They were jean shorts. I vividly remember it was September. I wore jean shorts to the hospital.

[Big J Okerson]

Nice.

[H. Foley]

So I had a way I should have worn like, go in the way.

[Kevin Ryan]

You want to go out, slide you right into the casket.

[Big J Okerson]

If it don't work out, we have Sabu from ECW coming on Skanks tonight. And I was, I watched. So I watched the documentary about ECW again. I watched a long time ago and I was like, oh, that's what it was. That's why it was my time, the late 90s, dude, jean shorts ruled the world. Everybody cool was wearing jean shorts. Yeah. And I even let go of that. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's funny because even dads were wearing them. And it's still they, they lived in separate, you know, lanes.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

You know, there's about a 3 inch, 4 inch inseam between father and Ghostface Killer.

[H. Foley]

Yes.

[Big J Okerson]

It really is. It's interesting.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

I had to have my mom because, you know, you're a bigger guy. Jeans are typically tighter on you, you know what I mean? And I had to have her button them. And I remember she was like, didn't. Had never buttoned pants on somebody with a gut, let alone her 12 year old little sweet boy. And she was like, do you go above it or under it? I'm like, just fucking do it. She shut up.

[Big J Okerson]

You know, My mom got the job at Casual Male Big and Tall so she could afford fat clothes for her son. She was regional manager. She worked her way up the ranks at Casual Male Big and Tall. She brought that up the other day again, I was like, kept you in, Tommy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Kept you in, Tommy. Bahamas all through high school.

[Big J Okerson]

My mom called me the other day and goes, this is such a funny thing. She goes, oh, I remember when I was younger, when I worked, she was. Me and my friend Janine went out to a club and at like 4:15 in the morning, we got the idea. We left the after hours and we got the idea drunkenly like, let's drive to the corporate offices of our job in Boston. And she goes. So we started driving right then to Boston. We Only got as far as New York, though. And then we just kind of were like, bad idea. And we just slept in a. We slept in a parking lot and went home. And I was like, corporate offices for what company? And she goes, big and tall. Cash, mail, big and tall. Like, wait, this is when I was alive. Yeah, you were nine.

[H. Foley]

You were home.

[Big J Okerson]

I was like, where was I? She goes, with your mom. Mom. I'm like, that makes sense.

[H. Foley]

You were at Bubba's house.

[Big J Okerson]

I was at my mom's.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, man, that's a tough.

[Big J Okerson]

But my mom, it's like, damn. Is that what you were doing in your downtime? What was I gonna do, trash till 4, 15? I don't know, like, storm the fucking place.

[H. Foley]

Fight Club, Jeanine's are always hot.

[Big J Okerson]

My mom was a manager of a retail place, so it was just hot young girls, her friends. It was great. It is funny now watching them all age, though. I saw Janine not long ago. Came to my show in Philly. My mom brought her and I was like, you see? Holy shit. You feel terrible. Because I'm. I'm. She's like. She goes, oh, my God, look at you. You look great. You're like, bam. You are look so much. Not as great as when I remember you. You were so young and hot. When I remember what happened. That's funny. My mom's friends watched him get like obese through the years.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

When I was younger, I was like, damn, she's got the best tits.

[Kevin Ryan]

Smoking.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. And now you're like, she walks with a fucking. Something that has like a fucking tennis ball on the bottom of it.

[H. Foley]

She's got the four thing, the four point cane.

[Kevin Ryan]

She has an elbow pad and like that carpal tunnel hand wrap.

[Big J Okerson]

Buddy, that is the sign. The girl, any lady who's always got.

[H. Foley]

A fucking wrist guard on.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, dude, it's like, what have you done in your life?

[Kevin Ryan]

Throwing turkeys?

[H. Foley]

That's a lot of hand jobs.

[Big J Okerson]

If you meet a girl at a bar at this point and her that night, you're definitely gonna hear the sound of that Velcro. You gotta slide it off.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's got that sweat on it. Little clammy.

[Big J Okerson]

It's gamey inside.

[H. Foley]

It's warm. It's. It's like 10 degrees warmer.

[Big J Okerson]

You see her forearm hairs matted down?

[Kevin Ryan]

My mom has a knee brace on all the time. Like. Like a. Like a. I don't know, one of those, like, ionized, like a concrete. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Did you get them at Target?

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm like, I can't tell if you're about to play softball or what?

[Big J Okerson]

Nothing. Just existing.

[Kevin Ryan]

Just. Just rolling around.

[H. Foley]

It's extra humid today. I can feel it in my knees.

[Big J Okerson]

I remember the. The girl. Years ago, me and Kareem Green were getting set up by a girl to get robbed in Maryland who said she was gonna fuck us both, I think.

[Kevin Ryan]

You told us this.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. And she was wearing a. She had a wrist guard I shouldn't have trusted. I don't know why we did.

[H. Foley]

She got that in a fist fight.

[Big J Okerson]

Kareem was down because she was white. I was like, I'll get us a white girl.

[Kevin Ryan]

What about the wrist guard? You look past it.

[Big J Okerson]

You got to get past it.

[Kevin Ryan]

She's a good girl.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. She's only jerking off one of us at a time, probably.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, that's funny. So we were thinking. So we covered everything with the Chronicles of Jason.

[H. Foley]

A lot of the time periods.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, a lot of the time periods. We just had a couple general things that just kind of tie it all together.

[Big J Okerson]

Sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

I had a sitch. I was telling him I had a situation with a spider the other night at my brother's house. And I'm just curious, overall, what frightens you the most?

[H. Foley]

You are, but you're afraid of bugs, Creepy crawlers.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Ghost, Dark, no.

[Big J Okerson]

Ghosts, no go. Maybe ghost, no. Because here's the thing. I don't believe in ghosts, but in the dark, I believe in everything. When you said dark, that was very telling.

[H. Foley]

The dark, I believe it's unknown. It could be a goblin, a ghoul.

[Big J Okerson]

I say when I go. Anytime I had a basement in my life, including when I was in Long island, my ex wife for a little bit, when I would put clothes, anything in the laundry or something at night, I run back up the stairs.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, me too.

[Big J Okerson]

I jog up the stairs. And again, I don't believe. I don't believe in any. As a grown man, I don't believe in anything. But it's that if I look back and it's just the kind of like. It's like David Lynchy scary stuff, there's gonna be just like a weird face. You know what I mean? It's like my father's face or something floating. Just something that's. That's disconnecting me from reality. And I. I do fear that. But it's not ghosts or a haunted place or anything. But if said, if you turn off the light, I don't want to do any of the things that would test it.

[Kevin Ryan]

So when you. When you look back, what would be. What would Be the scariest thing you could think of that you would see. What would scare you the most? Would it be a rat? Would it be a demon? Would it be Slender Man?

[Big J Okerson]

Well, I mean, when you say rat, it sounds like it should be rat. And then you say demon. I go, well, I guess the demon.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

I don't like rats, but I never went face to face with a demon.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, I don't know. It's like I can say with a rat things that I find are gross scary like that. Like. Like. Like I don't want it to touch me or anything. Anything like that is a. Is like a fear of like icky though, you know what I mean? It's more like touching it, but that goes away. You know what I mean? Like if there was like. If I had to pick up a rat and kiss it on the mouth and hug it to get away from a demon as you do, you would do that? I wouldn't even think twice.

[Kevin Ryan]

Kit, what do you know about Aura Frames?

[H. Foley]

Aura. Aura. Ora. I love Aura Frames.

[Kevin Ryan]

Of course you do. And Mother's Day's coming up. What's the best gift you could get? Your mom, the broad, Even grandparents, uncles, aunts, anybody. What's the best present you can get for abroad this Mother's Day?

[H. Foley]

Listen, it's Aura Frames. And I got a little beef with Ora Frames.

[Kevin Ryan]

Why?

[H. Foley]

I'm pissed. I've already given everybody Ora Frames. I can't double down now. I've given them. My mom's got one for every goddamn room. It's that good of a gift.

[Kevin Ryan]

Upgrade. Get it a nice one. The good stuff.

[H. Foley]

I've done it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Aura Frames, ladies and gentlemen. If you want a guaranteed grand slam home run. If you want your mother in law to be like, I can't believe you got this movie. It's so nice knowing and know what everybody's doing. Aura Frames is the way to go. Digital photo frame. You upload right there. She gets to keep up what everybody's doing. Do yourself a favor. Score a home run this Mother's Day and pick up an Aura frame.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, you want to stay in the will or a Frames cash. Keep these broads up to date on what you're doing.

[Kevin Ryan]

Got two words for you. Carver. Matt.

[H. Foley]

Yes.

[Kevin Ryan]

Let's go.

[H. Foley]

Aura Frames has a great deal for Mother's Day. For a limited time, listeners can save on the perfect g by visiting auraframes.com to get $35 off plus free shipping on their best selling Carver Matte frame. That's Aura a u r a frames.com promo code garbage. Support the show by mentioning us and check out terms and conditions applied. Do it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do it. Kp. Let's talk about bluechew, baby.

[H. Foley]

Boner alert.

[Kevin Ryan]

Boner alert. Calling all you soft noodles out there. And you limp dicks, I'm one of them. Not only a spokesman, I'm also a client player president. You get a little older, you put on a little weight, things start slowing down a little bit. The tea is not the same as it used to be. It's a little watered down, if you know what I mean. Do yourself a favor. The next time the mood strikes you and the lady or the guy or whatever you're up to, do yourself a favor and get some Blue Chew. We're talking about the same active ingredients as in Cialis. You're ready to go.

[H. Foley]

It's like.

[Kevin Ryan]

Thunder Stick.

[H. Foley]

Yes, and Blue Chew tablets are made in the usa. I'm talking homegrown bones, baby. Great sex is just a few clicks away. You sign [e-mail], consult with one of their licensed medical providers, and once you're approved, you'll receive your prescription within days. And guys, be ready when she needs it. And let me tell you, she needs it. And get your first month of blue.

[Kevin Ryan]

Calling me.

[H. Foley]

Get your first month of BlueChew for. Listen, she's calling me. She needs it, all right? No one's giving it to her. Make life easier by getting harder. And discover your [e-mail] let's go. And we got a special deal for AYG listeners. Try your first month bluechew for free. When you use the promo code garbage.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's a lot of sex.

[H. Foley]

Just pay $5 for shipping. That's promo code garbage. Visit BlueChew.com for more details, important safety information. And we thank BlueChew for sponsoring a podcast.

[Big J Okerson]

Dad.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes, we do.

[Big J Okerson]

I remember one time I called Kurt Metzger over my house because there was a dead mouse. It took the bait and died. But I have no masculinity in me to pick that mouse up with a paper towel or anything.

[H. Foley]

Nothing. A shovel. Nothing.

[Big J Okerson]

There's nothing I could have thought of where I would have been, okay, if Kurt was never gonna come over, eventually I would have shoveled it or something. But it's when I tell you that like me and my ex wife were in a knockdown drag out fight one time, just going at it full yelling, it's awful in the house. And I was cleaning like just to kill time or whatever. Just fuck. Probably complain to her and be like, you don't even clean behind the stove. And I moved the stove and there was a dead mouse back there. And it's because I was so. My mind was so somewhere else. I think I kicked it into a dustbin and like threw it in the trash. I didn't think twice about it, but if only my focus is on that. I'm like. I get like girly, like creepy crawlies. So demon. I guess the answer would be demon.

[H. Foley]

I got a weird thing with spiders. Like, if I'm like walking and I walk into one, like one, the shirt's got to come off really? In my head that's in my hair. And you always feel him, even though whether he's there or not, you feel him go down your neck. And I gotta fuck, I'll get in the shower, jump in a pool or something.

[Big J Okerson]

I watched. I watched a video the other day. It was a body cam of them finding out they traced an IP address back to this house where they're getting child porn, okay. And they're catching the son, who's a 30 year old, definitely borderline retarded.

[Kevin Ryan]

I know it's the mom and the dad and him are standing there in.

[Big J Okerson]

The driveway, but to me, what's the funniest thing about the video we say about bugs? I know he's just doing? Because they're asking these difficult questions about what he's doing. So you have lots of child pornography and for the entire 45 minutes of this interview he's like, well, no. At one point he cracks himself in the face just trying to like kill imaginary bugs that are there. Because he's just like. I mean, I'm sure there are bugs. He's overreacting so much because he doesn't know what to say. She's like, no, look, I mean, it was.

[Kevin Ryan]

It was these mosquitoes killing you guys.

[Big J Okerson]

It was sent to me by some guy, I don't know, just weird websites, I guess. I go on, just distracts the terrible things he says.

[H. Foley]

Goddamn pop ups, I tell you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Big can of offs trying to cover himself up.

[H. Foley]

Why don't you say we take tonight, we'll come back here, start fresh tomorrow.

[Big J Okerson]

You saw the video before? You saw it before? Oh, because it was like the father and son. Or the father.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's the one I'm thinking of.

[Big J Okerson]

He's wearing a shirt that says Dick is the birthday boy.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's the one.

[Big J Okerson]

And that is so. I don't know if I explore this as a joke on stage or anything, but I watched so Much of that body cam stuff and interrogation shit. And I go, man, nobody, nobody dresses for the day that your son's gonna murder somebody. Because there is nothing funnier than coming in to be an advocate for your son while he's going through his murder.

[H. Foley]

Says, I'm with stupid Marvin the Martian.

[Big J Okerson]

It's like never makes sense. Looney Tunes.

[H. Foley]

Something with the axe murderer.

[Kevin Ryan]

Pair of cut off sweatpants.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, relax.

[H. Foley]

He didn't do it.

[Big J Okerson]

The clothes are always. When they come over. It's like one. I just saw one where they caught incest. The mother was one of the sons and they brought her to the house and she's wearing her like tank top like Kiss 77 tour.

[H. Foley]

I'm sorry, I didn't know. I love him.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sir, you're going to take off your Margaritaville hat and have a seat.

[Big J Okerson]

The enjoyment people have over the.

[Kevin Ryan]

You want to put your yard down? We have to talk to you.

[Big J Okerson]

I say always dress like you might be interrogated later that day.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[Big J Okerson]

Dress like you might be on body cam. Do not show up Marvin the Marsh. It's so funny in the most heinous situations.

[Kevin Ryan]

If they were bringing you down, would you want. Would you kind of have a minute to change?

[Big J Okerson]

Yes.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[H. Foley]

They did put on your good chain wallet.

[Big J Okerson]

I can think. Yeah. He goes, sorry, guys. Is this gonna be filmed?

[H. Foley]

I trust for legal purposes, your body cams running right now. You gotta tell me.

[Big J Okerson]

They are. Oh, Lord.

[Kevin Ryan]

I have dress pants upstairs, if you guys will excuse me. Does anyone have a belt by any chance?

[H. Foley]

You guys have a set of suspenders?

[Big J Okerson]

Actually funny. For the first half of the wedding, by the way, I will say I used a belt. Like a loop belt. Not a loop. I mean the belt with like buckle, like belt on the. Then when I went back up in the middle of the wedding and I was like, this isn't working good enough. The belt, it's not staying tight enough. I also have a magnet belt. Whoa. It's pretty nice. I'm wearing it right now, in fact.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's that tight.

[Big J Okerson]

Huh?

[Kevin Ryan]

It cinches that tight.

[Big J Okerson]

You can make it as tight as you want.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, but I'm saying it holds that tight. The magnet's that strong.

[H. Foley]

These are heavy duty magnets. These ain't fridge magn.

[Big J Okerson]

You want to try this magnet?

[Kevin Ryan]

Is it strong?

[Big J Okerson]

Strong magnet.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's crazy.

[H. Foley]

That. That skinny guy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Shit.

[H. Foley]

He just whipped that off. There's a new big J.

[Kevin Ryan]

Let me see that.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, it's strong magnet.

[Kevin Ryan]

Holy shit.

[H. Foley]

Just wipes all the cameras here.

[Big J Okerson]

It's the strongest magnet.

[Kevin Ryan]

Damn. That's paperclip university level.

[Big J Okerson]

Strong paperclips start flying.

[H. Foley]

That's like. That's like the utility belt Bart Simpson got in there.

[Kevin Ryan]

Put it back on. Now you took it off real slick sitting down. No, no, no.

[H. Foley]

Who is he? Matt Damon?

[Big J Okerson]

It's a good thing he is a 50 year old.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm not Al Borland, for God's sakes.

[Big J Okerson]

Let's see. Can we.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, I'm just busting your chops. We can buddy. 36 is. You're. That. You're there. That's unreal.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. Now it's the. Now I got to worry about looking like a flying squirrel. You have to start contemplating things like, should I get a tummy tuck?

[H. Foley]

Like a just join the X game? I will just go extreme.

[Big J Okerson]

It is. Once you've damaged your body as much as I have, for sure. It is so funny to kind of have to come back to the reality of like that situation.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

I was like, you look good. And he goes, yes, even my shirt. I've done real, like, impossible to change damage to my body.

[Kevin Ryan]

I think about that all the time. And like, that's one of the, like, the. The bad excuses that gets in your head.

[H. Foley]

He's like, well, I'm gonna have to get surgery for all that loose skin. I'm like, the least of our problems you got going on right now.

[Kevin Ryan]

I know a guy who lost a bunch of weight. He got a tummy tuck. He had to get a new belly button.

[Big J Okerson]

That's what I mean by that.

[Kevin Ryan]

They got a new belly button.

[Big J Okerson]

At very best, if you get a tummy tuck.

[H. Foley]

By the way, for the audio listener, he just put that belt on sitting down.

[Big J Okerson]

Sitting down.

[H. Foley]

That is what we call in the business.

[Kevin Ryan]

Skinny mini.

[H. Foley]

A tight little body, tight little ass on that kid. Tlb.

[Big J Okerson]

Tight little body, tight little bod. What the fuck are we saying?

[H. Foley]

Oh, new belly button.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, yeah. The tummy tuck. At very best, they don't. I'd rather have them. I know they do. Sometime where they take the belly button off and just move it completely as it is. I'd rather that. When you see someone get a tummy tuck, their belly button's always like a straight line up and down. That's the tell.

[H. Foley]

I don't know. I wouldn't mind.

[Kevin Ryan]

Would you do no belly button?

[Big J Okerson]

It's nothing at all.

[H. Foley]

Does not go alien.

[Kevin Ryan]

Can you imagine freaking people out?

[Big J Okerson]

He goes, I wasn't born. I was created.

[Kevin Ryan]

The immaculate conception. Go, no.

[Big J Okerson]

Does every picture of Jesus have a fucking belly Button. He's always shirtless.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's pretty. That's a good point. Whoa.

[Big J Okerson]

I guess.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, no, he was born. Yeah, he was born, right? Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

We all thought the same thing.

[H. Foley]

We're all just three idiots.

[Big J Okerson]

Isn't it funny? When I was like, holy Jesus took.

[H. Foley]

Down the Catholic Church.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, no. Right, right.

[H. Foley]

Are you the new Pope? What the. And you're like, nah, he was born. Oh, yeah, you're right.

[Kevin Ryan]

2500 years of Christianity down the tubes.

[Big J Okerson]

All those pictures and statues at Belly Button.

[H. Foley]

He's two beers deep. You know what? I think I got it.

[Kevin Ryan]

There's a bunch of cardinals in the Vatican right now, sir. The guy in the loose pants foiled us.

[H. Foley]

We're screwed. We told you not to let him get skinny. He's got all his brain power. Oh, he's not worried about eating all day.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wait, did Jesus have a belly button?

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, I would love to, man.

[H. Foley]

We just bought. That's how stupid we are.

[Big J Okerson]

Wait a second.

[H. Foley]

Get on that.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm. And then I'm so afraid of getting any kind of the surgeries because I went in for a consultation to get a. To get liposuction in my above dick area. I was thinking about what?

[H. Foley]

To get a bigger hog?

[Kevin Ryan]

No, to get the mound down a little bit bigger.

[H. Foley]

I'll give you a bigger hog.

[Big J Okerson]

A bigger hang.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, that's a bigger hog in my book.

[Big J Okerson]

Sure.

[H. Foley]

Listen, I've also been to ED Consultations.

[Kevin Ryan]

You take the mound down a little bit.

[Big J Okerson]

Take the mound down. What's going for? And I went in.

[Kevin Ryan]

Go from a softball mound to a baseball mound.

[Big J Okerson]

Two things that took me away from this was going in, first of all, the lady receptionist, knowing exactly what I was there for, and then giving me a stack of paperwork, 80% of which was going like, you're probably gonna die on anesthesia, so just let us know that you don't care. So all that kind of got me nervous. I'm like, why is so much anesthesia releases? And then I went in, and the guy. It was just me and the doctor, and he goes, drop your pants. I don't know why. I didn't think he was gonna say that, but of course, no, we can.

[H. Foley]

Do this all with my pants on. I got a new belt. It's a whole thing.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, I wasn't getting. This was just a seed what he thinks he could do.

[Kevin Ryan]

Can I just draw it for you?

[Big J Okerson]

He goes, drop your pants to your knees.

[H. Foley]

Does it get hard first?

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, I was trying to get hard before he came in. It never works. And then I was. And then he comes in and he drop your pants to your knees. I go, okay. And I do. And then he goes walk over in front of this mirror. I'm like, ah. So I shuffle over to the mirror and he.

[H. Foley]

Shoes on still?

[Big J Okerson]

Yep.

[H. Foley]

Shoes and pants.

[Big J Okerson]

He swings his chair over to me and I mean, he is eye level with my dick. And he just. In the mirror, he's just like. So he's facing me, I'm facing the mirror. And he goes, so this is what your penis hang looks like now. And then he just put his hands on either side of it and he pushes back my dick mound and doesn't move. He goes, and this is how it will look after. And I went, okay, all right. So I'm gonna think about it. Leave me alone.

[Kevin Ryan]

This is what it looks like in my mouth.

[Big J Okerson]

Would you like to see what it looks like inside of me? It was so. And I walked out. I was like, nah, I'm okay, man.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, the anesthesia. That's. Because those are long procedures they'll get. And that's. That's. That's another thing too. You think about. Do all that work. You get to. You lose all the weight. You go in and you fucking. You're about to start closing, hot ass. Cause you're skinny. Then you fucking die on the operating table because of the anesthesia. Getting the belly button put in.

[Big J Okerson]

I know. They fucking.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Might as well just a 450.

[Big J Okerson]

I know.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's what I'm saying.

[Big J Okerson]

I know a weird amount. Well, listen, there is something. The idea that you were like. I wish I could have gotten down to like Bert Kreischer type fat. My dad had that kind of fat too. And I. That was never mine. Mine was always like mushy kind of.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

That solid. It looks so much better when the belly is just like a hard ball.

[H. Foley]

Doesn't hang and jiggle.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

You have the good legs, though. Bird has the good legs. You have the good legs. I got the. I got the. I got the. The what's his name? Who plays for the Roots.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, Quest loves.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, I get the.

[H. Foley]

Quest got lunch. Lady ass.

[Big J Okerson]

Questlove is building a pear.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

He comes out from behind that drum like, what the.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Bowling pin.

[H. Foley]

A couple of bass drums in there.

[Kevin Ryan]

Looks like a queen termite or something like that. No disrespect, obviously.

[H. Foley]

You got it too.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, my legs were always fine. My ass is a mess. Awful. I say. I say this in every show I go on, by the way, including my own. If you're willing. Is this my camera? If you're willing, the audience is willing to pay for me. I'll get a fat ass.

[Kevin Ryan]

Brazilian butt lift.

[Big J Okerson]

I'll never pay for myself, but I will get a fat ass if paid for by the fans. If you guys want to see me with the fat juicy, I'll do it.

[H. Foley]

You hear that, gang? What's that? Gotta run you? 15 grand? Something like that?

[Big J Okerson]

I don't know.

[Kevin Ryan]

1500?

[Big J Okerson]

Depends if you want it done right. I guess there's got to be great ones because people keep getting them done. All you hear about is the horror stories. And I see the stupid ones. Like I've seen in the city. The ladies walk around with like, it doesn't make any sense. That comes out the side.

[Kevin Ryan]

I just saw an episode of Ms. Pat settles it where a guy was suing a plastic surgeon because he was supposed to get like 300C or 900CCS. He was. Yeah, he was getting it done. And he only had like 2,500 bucks or whatever. He only had half of the money. So the lady put in half of the. Of the CCs of stuff. And his ass don't look right. And he was suing her because it didn't. It did. He needed more.

[Big J Okerson]

It is funny to not like your own ass as a man and then.

[H. Foley]

Go on television like, she fucked my ass.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

It don't look no good.

[Big J Okerson]

My stupid ass be sad about that at all. So you never thought you'd worry about.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Balding, sure. But your ass not being great.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, I've just. I've kind of. I've kind of just say it's never. Nothing's ever gonna be great on me. I got a bad ass, got a bad hug body.

[Big J Okerson]

It's gonna be what it's gonna be.

[H. Foley]

It is what it is. As long as you got bad hair.

[Big J Okerson]

As long as you could judge it up nice, though. You probably look great in a tuxedo.

[H. Foley]

Not really.

[Big J Okerson]

I bet you. I bet you wear a suit. Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

He doesn't.

[H. Foley]

No, my move is. I stopped going. You know, I got this from Mr. Volcano as well. He goes, I don't do shirt and tie any anymore. He's like, I've worked enough, I've accomplished enough that, like, I just don't look good in it. So I just do like a. Kind of like a knitted shirt or something like that.

[Big J Okerson]

Sure. Button down.

[H. Foley]

No, no, no. Button down. Like, like a light sweater or something like that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Did you have a jacket for the untucked shirt at the wedding?

[Big J Okerson]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

So you just had untucked regular dress shirt.

[H. Foley]

You didn't have a jacket.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do you have a tie?

[Big J Okerson]

No.

[H. Foley]

Dressed like you're all Ms. Pat Settleson.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, I figured I'd wear black dress pants and a black dress shirt untucked.

[Kevin Ryan]

They probably thought you worked there. They thought you were a hater on your shift.

[Big J Okerson]

I didn't overthink it. And I will say that one of Vecchio's friends who's not in comedy, who I know, sort of like this was. I was already dealing with all this the whole time. And then right before I went to go put on my magnet belt instead of the leather belt, that guy just said to me, he goes, damn, Jay, I thought maybe we'd even get you in a suit jacket for this event, huh? And I was like, this fucking asshole.

[H. Foley]

Fuck you, dude.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, I'm gonna go get my magnet belt and then see what you have to say.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. Yeah. Hey, you know what?

[H. Foley]

I'm sorry to figure clear out of your pants.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm gonna ruin your credit cards.

[Big J Okerson]

I started thinking to myself, I might have to fight tonight. I should probably seal these up with some magnets.

[H. Foley]

Probably gonna put my N1 shorts on. I gotta this dude up.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hope you don't got a pacemaker in short circuit. You're asking one.

[Big J Okerson]

What a great character they had for that mascot. Until it was nothing at all anymore. Just the blank face.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Shout out to N1.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right, let's do some cues for Mr. Okerson.

[H. Foley]

Well, speaking of a wedding too, this was. This was a recent one we had talked about. I don't know if you've ever been in this situation, but we were. We kind of got a little bit of flack if you're get invited to a dry wedding for. It could be dry for whatever reason. It's a dry wedding. Is it wrong to have a couple of drinks before Endor? Sneak in a flask or a shooter or something like that? What are your. Would you do that or would you go. I'm flying high and dry the whole time.

[Big J Okerson]

Maybe a couple before if it's brought up a booze isn't my vice like that. Really?

[Kevin Ryan]

You'll be smoked up.

[Big J Okerson]

It doesn't dry. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

You're the only one at the table currently drinking. I don't know. I'm laying off.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's not open yet.

[H. Foley]

That's his second one.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, it is.

[Big J Okerson]

It will be the second one.

[H. Foley]

Okay. You would just get high and be like, I can just. Yeah, okay. Yeah, fair enough.

[Big J Okerson]

But if somebody before the thing was like, they were like, hey, there's beers. Do you want a beer at a shop before we go in? I go, sure. But if that wasn't presented, I'm not like searching, like, let's stop at a bar before we go.

[H. Foley]

Me either.

[Big J Okerson]

This has been floating.

[H. Foley]

Totally not me.

[Kevin Ryan]

Kid, what do you say about True Classics?

[H. Foley]

Love that OG True Classics.

[Kevin Ryan]

The best T shirts in the biz. I'm wearing one right now. It's comfy, it fits perfect and I absolutely love it. Do yourself a favor, go to True Classics and they don't just got T shirts anymore. Talking about activewear, Talking about nice quality stuff.

[H. Foley]

Yes.

[Kevin Ryan]

Don't be wasting money on shitty T shirts at Walmart or wherever. Order them on True Classics. They wash great, they feel great, and you will thank us after.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, I, I actually just, I, I'm down a couple pounds. I had to get some new clothes.

[Kevin Ryan]

A couple pounds.

[H. Foley]

I needed to get some new clothes.

[Kevin Ryan]

Need some new clothes.

[H. Foley]

I got new True Classic pants. They came this morning. I, they were so. I didn't want to wear them out today.

[Kevin Ryan]

What are they?

[H. Foley]

They're, they're like, they're like jean, like light, nice fit, tailored jeans. They're fan frickin t. You look like it's cool guys stuff, you know what I mean? True Classic has one mission. It's to make sure guys look good and feel even better. And they've nailed the fit, the feel and the price across the entire wardrobe. Not just the tees. Like I said, I got the pants and baby, I'm about to be unleashed on this city. They got hoodies, jeans, activewear, everything you need to level up your everyday style.

[Kevin Ryan]

So, gang, forget the overpriced designer nonsense. Skip the cheap throwaways. True Classics delivers premium essential, built for real life. Grab yours at Target or Costco or head over to trueclassic.com garbage to get hooked up today.

[H. Foley]

Now back to the show.

[Kevin Ryan]

Back to the show. This episode is brought to you by Lifelock.

[H. Foley]

Not everyone is careful with your personal.

[Big J Okerson]

Information, which might explain why there's a victim of Identity theft every five seconds.

[H. Foley]

In the U.S. fortunately, there's LifeLock. Lifelock monitors hundreds of millions of data.

[Big J Okerson]

Points a second for threats to your identity.

[H. Foley]

If your identity is stolen, a US.

[Big J Okerson]

Based restoration specialist will fix it, guaranteed.

[H. Foley]

Or your money back.

[Big J Okerson]

Save up to 40% your first year by visiting lifelock.com podcast. Terms apply.

[Kevin Ryan]

This has been floating around the office a little bit too. You're having a couple. There's a couple parts to it. So let's say you're having a housewarming party or whatever. Everybody's coming over. Some fringe people. Not sound like you're tight circle. It's, you know, associates, stuff like that. First of all, is the upstairs off limits for you?

[Big J Okerson]

Of my house?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes. Are the. Are the bedroom doors all closed and.

[H. Foley]

Kind of, let's say, not. Not. Not day to day. You're having people over.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're having a party.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

No bedroom doors open.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't have anything humiliating out that I worry about, I guess.

[Kevin Ryan]

Is there. There's a master bathroom in your bedroom right now. What if somebody had to use the bathroom to go number two and they wanted to use that bathroom? Would you be okay with that?

[H. Foley]

When there is a hall bath, I wouldn't love it.

[Big J Okerson]

I wouldn't love that at all.

[H. Foley]

Okay, let's say it was Foley.

[Big J Okerson]

I mean, we have bidets now, which is nice, so you're gonna be clean when you get out of there, but.

[Kevin Ryan]

You'Re dumping downstairs anywhere near that party could ruin that party.

[Big J Okerson]

It's true.

[H. Foley]

I say he's got to go home. The party's over.

[Kevin Ryan]

And the second part is, if you go to a party like that, okay, say you were at not Lewis's house, because I feel like you guys are.

[H. Foley]

Too close, but, like, say you're at a family member, like a rel. You know, not like, you know, I'm.

[Kevin Ryan]

Trying to think Christine's family or something like that. All right.

[H. Foley]

Something where it's an away game, okay. And you got to do a bad. A bad dump.

[Big J Okerson]

We're in a high level emergency right now.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Okay, let's say, Louis, you're at Louie's house. Louie's having a party. Okay. Louie's having a party at his new house or whatever. There's a bunch of people there. All that stuff you got, where are you gonna go take that dump?

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, I.

[Kevin Ryan]

What are you gonna do?

[Big J Okerson]

Before I would go there at his place, unless he had like, hey, there's a super private one in a place that no one will know at all. I'd leave, probably try to find a Starbucks. If I really wanted to stay at the party, I'd try to find a Starbucks. And if there I couldn't find in Starbucks, I'm out. I wouldn't return to the party. I would just. Irish could buy the whole thing and.

[Kevin Ryan]

Just go home and poop.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

So you wouldn't make the move there?

[Big J Okerson]

No, but as I said, you know, who knows what time will bring with Situations because I have learned, I'd say in the past year, when I get off the plane or get to the airport, even if I wake up always early enough before, if my car is picking me up at 4:30 to go to the airport, I wake up at 4 to definitely try to shit.

[Kevin Ryan]

Just to let your body.

[Big J Okerson]

Okay, I'll give it a shot. Now the problem with doing that sometimes is your body's not ready to shit.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[Big J Okerson]

But you've now started the process somehow.

[H. Foley]

System's engaged.

[Big J Okerson]

And when you get to the airport or land on the other side, if your mind's on it, you might not be able to get away. So I've learned how to shit at the airport, like, and just. I learned where to go. I've learned which ones to use. Delta Lounge is pretty solid. They have bathrooms that are just individual bathrooms as apparently for families.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

And me, there's families and just me. Because I'll go in there and drop one for sure. I always have wipes in my bag ready to go, so. But at someone's party. No. My worst time I had to leave and come back. That was horrible. Was Eagles super bowl against the Patriots, 2017. Right.

[Kevin Ryan]

Mm. Where were you?

[Big J Okerson]

We watched it at the Cellar.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Big J Okerson]

Me versus Bobby Kelly. Basically. We had like two factions of people sitting watching it.

[H. Foley]

How's it going to the bathroom?

[Big J Okerson]

It was. Well, I didn't go the U. I went to the Vu.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

I had to go so bad at halftime that I still to this day have never seen. Was it Justin Timberlake halftime show? Never saw it. Because as soon as that thing went, I was like, I don't think I'm gonna make it. We were eating, we brought in cheesesteaks and Bobby brought a six foot hoagie. And there was cellar wings and. And the perfect storm was happening inside of me and I went over and I had to go to the Vu and I went downstairs where the attendant guy was and tell you what, came back a few on a million bucks, though, but never, not emotionally a million bucks. Because I wear that the rest of the day where I'm like, I feel.

[H. Foley]

Everyone knows I just took a big shit.

[Big J Okerson]

And even if they don't, I'm like, they know. Because in my mind I'm always like, I wiped out. I wipe as good as you can wipe. We've talked about that before.

[H. Foley]

So problematically, I'm right there with you.

[Big J Okerson]

Problematic.

[H. Foley]

I feel like there's still some on your butt as soon as I smell it.

[Big J Okerson]

As soon as I leave, though. Exactly. As soon As I walk out of there, even if I've cleaned two knuckles deep of white toilet paper up my asshole, I go, there's something on my cheeks. Somehow I got on my cheeks or something. I didn't wipe my cheeks and maybe it's on my cheeks and then the next time. And then I start phantom smelling shit and start going like. And as I ask them, you guys smell that? And they'll be like, no. I go, yeah, I don't know, I must be crazy or something. Just testing the waters to see if it's me.

[H. Foley]

It's poop paranoia.

[Big J Okerson]

Poop paranoia.

[Kevin Ryan]

So you wouldn't appreciate me pooping in your bathroom.

[Big J Okerson]

I've. I have so many loose poop friends. I'm over that point. Yeah, Josh, Adam Myers, Dan Soder. These are guys who will just drop anywhere and take a. Hey, I have to go in this room right next to you and take a shit.

[H. Foley]

Listen, I think that's fair. As comics. We share green rooms, we share hotel rooms. We've shared all of this stuff. That's fine. Yeah, it's a, you know, it is what it is. We live, you know, a little outside the boundaries of normal life. He's doing it at a family, like a non. These aren't calm. These are like normal. It's Christmas. He's pooping in someone's bedroom at Christmas. That feels like a big swing.

[Big J Okerson]

I appreciate the. You're not gonna let a. I've had having to take a shit ruin a night for me or day. You don't want to get in your way like that. I appreciate that, man. You gotta shit. I gotta. I'm gonna show. Will you get up at a restaurant and be like, I'll be back.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, yeah.

[H. Foley]

I also think, I mean, if you're pooping at a restaurant, that's.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's like a psoriasis medicine commercial. I'm not gonna let taking a dump ruin my day. I'm out there living my life now.

[Big J Okerson]

That's 20% if you have moderate TV or bathrooms.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, oh, oh. He dumped one.

[Big J Okerson]

I. In a restaurant also, if I have to take a shit at a restaurant, I've mistimed my day.

[H. Foley]

That's what I'm saying.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. I've never.

[H. Foley]

Dude, you're at a restaurant for 90 minutes.

[Kevin Ryan]

I've never had to do that mid meal.

[Big J Okerson]

It's not even that. It's like I, I assume before I go out to. If I go out to eat. I've tried to. I've already aggressively tried to empty my body so I Can eat. Okay, dude. I mean, like, I want to eat. So I try to. Like, if I go in there feeling at all like I'm full or have to take a dump, I'm. I'm not gonna want to eat.

[H. Foley]

I remember being at a waste of.

[Kevin Ryan]

Money on these crab legs.

[H. Foley]

I ever made a dueling pianos bar in Philly.

[Big J Okerson]

Nice.

[H. Foley]

Hi to me. I had a cool Kev going out. I got a nice button up on express. Probably put it on my express credit card. Never paid. And I remember I gotta. I gotta. I gotta sham or out at night. It's like a club and I gotta dump.

[Big J Okerson]

It's doing pianos place.

[H. Foley]

Maybe not a club.

[Big J Okerson]

We're not a pulsations.

[H. Foley]

It wasn't recess, okay? It wasn't Red Sky.

[Kevin Ryan]

What do they do at a dueling piano place? Are they like two piano at the same time?

[Big J Okerson]

They wait for a drunk girl to get up and slide on top of them.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. And they go, hey, they can just like, improv everybody song kind of. And if they don't know it, that's half the thing.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like, so they go back and forth.

[H. Foley]

Well, just like, one will play a song or two. Then they'll get a request, say it's me and Jay. Say we're each piano player. Okay, you want to request? I want to request.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hey, I gotta take a shit.

[H. Foley]

There's a man in the bathroom dumping.

[Big J Okerson]

Hey, can you sing that song? Can you give me five minutes? So I'm gonna go see if I can.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, man. If you're the piano player and you disappear for 10 minutes and come back one sleeves rolled up.

[H. Foley]

I. I was in the bed. It was like one of them. It's just like two urinals and a stall. And I got it. It's. I'm. You know, it's bad. And I was in line. I was trying to time it to where it's just like, I'm. I don't want to have to be like, I got a shit. So I'm. I'm hoping it dimes out. So the stall opens up. And I can just go in the stall because there's a line. I don't want to announce to the line that, you know, I gotta take it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Dude, you got caution tape on. You seal yourself in doing piano.

[Big J Okerson]

So you made you. I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to do it. The locks.

[H. Foley]

And so then the guy's like, a urinal opened up, and I'm like, nah. Like, the guy behind me is like, oh, there you go.

[Kevin Ryan]

I Got a small dick. Go ahead.

[H. Foley]

I go, that's all you, man. I gotta, I gotta take your. And he. I was like, I, I, I think I got his or something. I didn't want to, dude. And I mean, it was like knocking at the door bad. And I get in there, and I immediately let loose. And the two guys peeing were like, boys. He's like, you believe this fat guy pooping at the club? And the one guy goes, how bad is your day that you didn't take care of this? I was still, I didn't know about you. Yeah, fuck you guys. I could have grabbed his ankle. He was right there.

[Big J Okerson]

You know what's funny? When you're taking a shit in a public bathroom and farting kind of goes with what's happening. I kind of get that. I still say I would probably pull a cheek with my hand.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, you do a little. But you try to dampen it.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, a little bit. When people are at the urinals just cracking ass, I think I say sometimes I go, oh. Like, I feel like I'm like, oh, is that.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's like old baseball coach shit doing. Yeah, old guys do that.

[Big J Okerson]

Just crack ass loud and a bit of urinal.

[H. Foley]

Got your arm on the wall doing.

[Kevin Ryan]

Phillies are winning. All right, okay, it's enough potty talk.

[H. Foley]

All right, let's see. As you know, when you set up a Patreon, we'll answer your garbage question. This one's just funny. This is from Adrian. Is it garbage to hit the heavy back at the gym like a pro in hopes that the owner who runs a boxing gym watches the security footage and discovers me? I understand that level of delusion for sure.

[Big J Okerson]

You know, if they just get to see me.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, just like, you're really making. Making a heavy bag.

[Big J Okerson]

I'd say, yeah, that's definitely garbage.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do you ever get into that? You ever hit the heavy bag or any of that boxing at the gym? Did you ever have a heavy bag?

[Big J Okerson]

I had a heavy bag.

[Kevin Ryan]

Really?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. When my mom let me at one point.

[H. Foley]

Step. Your stepdad was. Is this that?

[Big J Okerson]

No, he was not in heavy bag stuff at all. He was weightlifting only.

[Kevin Ryan]

Where was this hung up? Because a lot of them are hung up improperly.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, this one was.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, for sure.

[Big J Okerson]

My mom let me at one point. So we lived in a duplex. Walk in the front door. I think I told you. When the guy busted the window and his stepfather came in. So it was one flight of steps up was one apartment, and then two more flights up was our apartment. That Was it. And the basement, this scary basement had two washing machines, two dryers. Each apartment had one a set. And then there was a door that went to the two garage thing, which nobody ever parked in, ever. So my mom told me at one point that I could do whatever with the garage. You get to the point when you're a kid, you're like, I want to do something that's my own. And so I made this terrifying dark concrete garage just like a hang spot for sleepovers with my buddies and stuff where I put like just blankets down there. I think they let me put like a really shitty. I think it was a black and white TV that we still hooked up Nintendo to.

[Kevin Ryan]

And it's got the garage door right there.

[Big J Okerson]

And the garage doors. And then. So the track for the garage door, I hung a half.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, my God.

[Big J Okerson]

From like, you know the track.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Where it could like clip on there. Cause it was the only metal thing. And I mean, all I remember about heavy bags from that thing was you definitely. What I never bought was gloves or wraps or anything. And you realize it hurts quick if you just punch it with raw fists, scraping it leather. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

And so I probably. If I just say I punched and kicked that thing 15 times total. My life. Cumulative.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

You walk by one time and just give it like a rocky, like elbow or something. Yeah. The old bag, it was shiny when I got no marks on it. When we got rid of that thing.

[H. Foley]

My dad got one from a buddy at work that he worked with. Gave him one. I was like, we're gonna set this up. I'm gonna be. It's probably February. I'm like, I'm going to be yoked by come. Come summer. I'm not no T shirt in the pool for Kipirino this summer. I'm going to be shredded. We never hung it up and it just leaned against the wall in the basement. And I would be down there slugging him with bodies.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like, if you already got it down.

[H. Foley]

Just like you just hit on my short.

[Kevin Ryan]

Liver, kidney, liver, kidney.

[H. Foley]

I got him in a headlock.

[Kevin Ryan]

This is how you fight a guy that's sleeping.

[Big J Okerson]

You wait for your old man to fall asleep when you pizza out of him are leaving.

[Kevin Ryan]

Holy shit.

[H. Foley]

Okay. All right. This one's from Forest Dump. Hell of a name. Ever go to the bar on crutches? That's a tough look. I've seen it for sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

Big chick move.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. The chick in the boot.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, yeah. They're also.

[H. Foley]

I just saw. I saw this was maybe a couple of years Ago, I was down in Wildwood, New Jersey, very. Guy was in an Allen Iverson shirt. Jersey. Allen Iverson jersey. No shirt on under the jersey. Just the jersey.

[Kevin Ryan]

This is adding up.

[Big J Okerson]

That's always a look, too, when someone tucks in a jersey. There's a cafilly comic named Michael Rage. He used to always show up in a jersey tucked into his jeans. Yeah. And a prostitute.

[H. Foley]

Okay. All right. That all checks out. And he had a neck brace on at Keenan's. Keenan's happy hour, dude. And he couldn't, like, really chuffed. He had to, like, tilt his head back. I remember he was crushing coronas. And I was like, this guy is fucking in it to win it, dude.

[Kevin Ryan]

You ever have a neck brace?

[Big J Okerson]

No, never a neck brace. And anytime I've had crutches for even, like, broken ankles and stuff, I'm so bad at them that I'd rather just suck. I'd rather just hobble. I just never quite got the motion.

[Kevin Ryan]

No.

[Big J Okerson]

I would use them like, they were forever crutches. Like, I'd move with, like. Yeah. And I go, this is not how you're supposed to do it.

[H. Foley]

Like, you're hiking or whatever.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nordic tracking.

[Kevin Ryan]

It was almost like an elliptical. I could never get the motion emotion. Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

And I'm like, am I supposed to put all of my body weight on my armpits and swing forward? That's not it either, right?

[H. Foley]

Hell, yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

That's the other way. We put both in front of you and try to, like, swing your body forward. It's all.

[Kevin Ryan]

We had a kid who hurt himself in high school, did something to his leg, and he was. I can't remember what the reason was. He was either too short or something like that. But he had to have the arm crutches. Yeah, the one like, the ones that you get when you have, like, cerebral palsy.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[H. Foley]

He was not for injuries.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

He was rolling around. It's where he's got wrist and elbow grip.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

The handles in the front and.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, he was rolling around in them. I was like, God damn.

[Big J Okerson]

Guy loves booze.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, I never. I had crutches. I was on crutches for a minute, and we had that. They hurt my under. I was a fat kid, so they hurt my. My under pits. And I remember my mom wrapped, like, kitchen towels around it with duct tape. That was, like, the padding.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, yeah.

[H. Foley]

They were mismatched at that.

[Kevin Ryan]

The one Christmas K house.

[H. Foley]

Oh, yeah. The one had, like, a cornucopia on it. And the other one that was just like, Green house, kiss the cook or whatever.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, man.

[H. Foley]

God damn. All right, this one's from Mitch Cranberry. Five dollar, homie. Are you garbage. If a severance check you received when you got laid off was the most money you've ever had in your bank account at one time, that was always. That's like a dirt bag windfall. If you get, like, some sort of settlement check or, like, you know, the unemployment check where if they hold it for. If they. If you don't get qualified for the first couple of weeks and then you get that one lump sum after a month.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. It's gotta be, I think, severance. If you're getting a severance check, it seems like it's a job that you shouldn't have been the most money you've ever had in your life. Do you know what I mean? If it's a job. Yeah. No one gives you severance from, like, McDonald's.

[H. Foley]

I've never put that together. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, that was probably somewhat of a decent job.

[Big J Okerson]

That's what I mean. So it's the most money he's ever made at once. That's like a weird deal.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's a big dirt ball right there.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Either way, yes.

[Big J Okerson]

The answer is yes. You're trash. Garbage.

[H. Foley]

He also said it wasn't a lot of money. Did not.

[Big J Okerson]

Did not assume he was getting severance from, like, Chuck E. Cheese.

[Kevin Ryan]

I was always amazed by people like that. Like, they would be like, I just got fired or whatever. And then they'd be like, yeah, they gave me three months with the summer off.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, yeah.

[H. Foley]

That was always 10. I mean, I live such paycheck to paycheck. Still do relatively at the moment. And it was so, like, if you could have. I remember my One buddy inherited 10 grand from his grandmother who died when he was, like, fucking eight. And we were like. I remember being like, you have a billion dollars.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

I would retire. You got 10 grand. 10 grand. High school, you had 10 grand. I'd be like, fucking college.

[Big J Okerson]

Huge in high school.

[Kevin Ryan]

You never had a huge thing like that when you were a kid, right?

[Big J Okerson]

No, no. So that's why I didn't get bar mitzvahed, because that's why I said I didn't come from those kind of Jews. When all my friends told me they were getting bar mitzvah because it was gonna be how they got their money for their first car and everyone gives the number, I was like, oh, no. Like, you know, my Jewish uncle got stabbed in the lungs by a Biker gang he was trying to leave or join. I don't remember. But, like, either way.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Either in or out.

[Big J Okerson]

He's dead now from heroin, so. Lungs. Long story short is the bar mitzvah package wasn't gonna.

[H. Foley]

The Bubba and Zeta aren't really cutting me. The CH Diddy's not showing up to perform at my.

[Big J Okerson]

No, no. Once Pop Pop died, my mom got a settlement from the Navy. And that was the. That was the wealthy, by the way. It was like six figures, but, like, you know, a hundred. A hundred some thousand.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wow. But what do you do in the Navy?

[Big J Okerson]

It did. It wasn't that. It was a wrongful death because his whole crew of guys, they were. That was back when they were shoveling asbestos 80 yards down in Philly.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wow.

[H. Foley]

You're such a dirt bag. You go. That's good cash. Mesothelioma. Money. Look at you.

[Kevin Ryan]

What you got? Agent Orange, huh? Not bad.

[H. Foley]

I didn't know I was with royal little Camp Lejeune.

[Kevin Ryan]

Bad water. There you go. What are you bitching about?

[Big J Okerson]

But she got, like, a hundred and some thousand dollars. And I mean, that money. That money carried our whole family, I think, for years. And I mean, whole family. Like, anytime someone needed, like, my mom wanted to move. Yeah. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

It was like, we need a security department.

[Big J Okerson]

You gotta go to Mama. Mama, you know, same thing. I love that first car I got. It was, like, $1,000 car. We cashed in all of my, like, savings bonds she got from me. And, like, she was. But she was always the coming. And because we thought in our mind, I'm like, well, we only have one wealthy person in the family. It's Mom. You realize how little money that is in the grand scheme. But it carried everybody.

[Kevin Ryan]

So.

[Big J Okerson]

This was beautiful because she just kept driving a shitty Buick Century.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, she just had it in the bank.

[Big J Okerson]

One of her friends died, named Etta. Her friend died and, like, her friend just left her the car. And so she had that car. So that. That was her. Yeah, she got a Mazda something after the Buick my grandfather bought.

[Kevin Ryan]

Damn. Everything coming up. Grandma.

[Big J Okerson]

But she never. Yeah, nothing, no money was ever spent on her, on herself at all. She just stayed in a terrible neighborhood, sitting on that 100k while fucking young battle rappers were figuring it out on her front step.

[Kevin Ryan]

Did your grandfather die of something related to that?

[Big J Okerson]

Did he have what he died from?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, he had lung cancer. Damn.

[H. Foley]

Think they're cutting a check like that for fucking pneumonia? No way.

[Big J Okerson]

He was a civil suit. I think my grandmother led the charge. I think she called like, his Navy buddies to be like, hey, you know, he passed away, if you wanna come. And they were all dead. Damn. So she rallied up the fucking. The wives to be like, good for her.

[Kevin Ryan]

Good for her.

[Big J Okerson]

And they. Yeah. And they got some money. But it is funny, that money. $100,000, man. You might as well have told me. It's like. It's like Daddy Warbucks. Why don't we have an Indian flying planes?

[Kevin Ryan]

I didn't get that reference.

[H. Foley]

That's a deep cut either.

[Big J Okerson]

Guys never saw Orphan. Little Orphan Annie. Annie movie.

[Kevin Ryan]

He had it. No, he. With Yul Brenner. He had an Indian guy that worked for him that could fly planes with his mind.

[Big J Okerson]

No, no. Yule Brenner and Annie.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, Yul Brenner. Oh, no. Was it Albert Finney?

[Big J Okerson]

Albert Finney.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, okay.

[Big J Okerson]

He played Daddy Warbucks.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes.

[Big J Okerson]

And in Daddy Warbuck's house, the character I loved much as good was Poon Jack. That was just like his boy, his, like, assistant. Do stuff in the house. And Punjab at one point in the movie, which they just. It's not a weird thing at all. He's flying a model plane around the room with his mind. He's just making it go with his mind. You're supposed to just accept that blindly in the background. There's also a magic Indian here. I'm not sure if we're able to keep you from this evil orphan lady, but we do have a magical Indian here. They didn't even ask. Look into seeing if he could solve the problem.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Straighten something out.

[Big J Okerson]

A magical Indian. There's like, no, just. You're the head.

[Kevin Ryan]

He could get 100 grand for us.

[Big J Okerson]

Huh? He was the first 7 up guy Punjab.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, was he with the guy?

[Big J Okerson]

Orlando Jones Godfrey. That's the three. The seven.

[H. Foley]

Really?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. That's funny.

[H. Foley]

I remember when I had a 7 make 7 up your shirt. Wore it to 7th grade. Immediately they made me go to the nurse and turn it inside out.

[Big J Okerson]

Really?

[H. Foley]

Yeah, because it was like, up your. It was like profanity or whatever.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, seven.

[H. Foley]

Up yours make seven. Because that was the whole campaign was make seven. And the back of the shirt said, up yours. So everybody's fuck you. Fuck you. Like, because they're just reading up yours. So that was like the big thing. They caused chaos when they walk down the street.

[Big J Okerson]

I have to think. I have so many shirts that are just, like, funny things I thought of or inappropriate to the world that when I travel on the weekends, how many times I've had to, like, Febreze. The shirt I came in and flew in on. Because I realized the shirt I wore the night before that I'm gonna fly. And says, like, I want to say I do hand stuff.

[H. Foley]

Or, like, making them.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, just like fans make them. Or I've made them at all, but it's like, they're, like, jokes on them. They're definitely inappropriate for the world. Sure. I just don't even think about that. I'm like, sometimes on a Saturday, when I lay my shirts out for the weekend, I always go, all right, I gotta wear that on Friday because I'm flying in this one. I got some roughies. Not me on a plane.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're in comfort plus with an everybody loves cock shirt on.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, I flew one time. It says, no God, no Santa, no Snake Pit. It's real big. No, no God. I'm like, piss people off.

[H. Foley]

What's Snake Pit?

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, that was a shirt made for. I said, I know the bass player from Five Finger Death Punch, Chris Kael, and he was gonna hook us up. They were opening for Metallica, and Metallica's got a thing in the center of their stage called the Snake Pit. It's just an opening where you could fit a couple hundred people in there. And he was like, I'll get you guys in the Snake Pit. He told us, like, all right, it's gonna be me, Bobby, Kelly, his son, and Christine. And he's like, yeah, I got you guys for sure. And when we got there and went to Will call, of course it wasn't Snake Pit. And Max, Bobby's son, of course, was devastated by this somehow. And we just couldn't. And they busted my balls for a week that we didn't come through on the Snake Pit because I didn't want to call the guy and be like, hey, this isn't Snake. I know you're getting ready to go play in front of MetLife Stadium, but worry about me and my. So I was accepted the tickets, and then Bobby had to go talk to Max. And Max goes, it hurts, dad. Which, like, playing up a bit, I would say. But he's like, it hurts, dad. And so we said he learned a lot of important lessons that day. No God, no Santa Claus, no Snake Pit. The shirt's fan made that.

[H. Foley]

That's great.

[Big J Okerson]

But to explain all that to a TSA agent who's like, what the fuck are you wearing? I'm like, no, no, no. I don't know if there's a God. You have to get into an existential conversation. Look, I don't know if there's a God, but there's a. Sure. It's not really me saying there isn't. It's a.

[H. Foley]

It's not my place to stay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do you know the band Five Finger Discount by any chance?

[Big J Okerson]

Are you familiar with Five Figure Death Punch?

[Kevin Ryan]

Five Figure Death Punch Finger.

[H. Foley]

When you.

[Kevin Ryan]

When you said that, that was the trashiest statement ever, you were like, I know the base play for Chris whatever.

[Big J Okerson]

From Five Finger Death Punch.

[Kevin Ryan]

Dude. You guys know what I'm talking about?

[H. Foley]

Of course. That's. That's a story like Kid Rock could have told then. I can't even get into my snake pit, dude. There's no access to the Viper Lounge.

[Big J Okerson]

I was about to call 47 about this.

[H. Foley]

Oh, God, that's so funny. All right, we got time for a couple of more here. This is from Roscoe. Ten dollar Enabler here. Never have one red. Is it garbage if you know how long you can hold your breath as an adult? I'm 33 and just ripped 88 seconds. Damn, that's good.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't think that's garbage at all. No, I think that's a flex. That's planning.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

What if you have to hold your breath for a long time for something?

[H. Foley]

I bet that.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't think this is.

[Kevin Ryan]

How long you think you could hold yours underwater? A minute. Could you do a minute?

[H. Foley]

I might be 13 seconds. No, that was like. That was the big thing as a fat, asthmatic kid.

[Big J Okerson]

This is pre heaters.

[H. Foley]

Pre heaters. They would have to hold me under. And like, everybody, my brother, everybody's ripping. 30, 40, 50 seconds. And I'd come up at 12 to fucking see him black.

[Kevin Ryan]

Your fat's just naturally floating.

[Big J Okerson]

I was gonna say people think my legs come out. I used to think people thought I was cheating a lot in the holding your breath because of that. Because no matter what, like, you put your breath on it when you're just trying to, like, focus on, like, holding your breath, then your fat body, your fat buoyant body, just. And then you have to just sit there. And then people are worried that you died during the thing. You're like, no, no, no.

[H. Foley]

Dead man's float.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. When I'm in a pool, looks like I'm in the dead sea. I'm, like, on top of the fucking thing two feet above the water. It's like air hockey. I'm just zipping back.

[Big J Okerson]

Is that a float tank? No, it's an Olympic pool.

[H. Foley]

I'm completely dry. Bathing suit's not even back in front of my bathing suit's not even wet.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like a shamwow.

[H. Foley]

Why don't they make the whole bathing suit out of that stuff?

[Big J Okerson]

I don't know.

[Kevin Ryan]

Those things are great.

[H. Foley]

This one's from Kale. Ever had a job where the vehicle had a permanent now hiring sticker on the back? I don't know. What are they just perpetually hiring?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, some places I'd have to assume.

[Kevin Ryan]

Just always advertising, get people on board.

[H. Foley]

That's always. Yeah, that's always like the cable apply.

[Kevin Ryan]

Apply here.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, yeah.

[H. Foley]

Con Ed or stuff like that.

[Big J Okerson]

Guess that's true. I always thought it was like a 711 or something like that. Gas stations are always hiring somewhere.

[H. Foley]

Always hiring. Truck driver. A lot of the truck drivers like, you know, lease, you know, start making whatever. I've seen them with the salary, like $5,200 a month.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Do you guys remember there was like, late 90s, early 2000s, like, kind of in the burbs? You would see, like, telephone poles and they would have. Have. They would be like those advertisements for, like, painting jobs or, like, computer parts or something like that. Like, make this amount a year. And they had, like, the things on there.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, yeah. That was mostly stuffing envelope jobs and.

[H. Foley]

Like, cold calling or like going and knocking. I did that for Verizon.

[Kevin Ryan]

When you were looking at one of those things, you were in a bad spot.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, yeah. If you rip it off.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

And then later on, you got to go, ah.

[H. Foley]

I went to one. I found it. So I would do Craigslist, and I'd found the thing, and I went was. It was like a subcontractor contractor for Verizon. You'd go to businesses and go, who's your guy? Can I see your bill? I can save you, whatever if you switch over. And the kid. I was in South Jersey. It was in, like, Cherry Hill or Pennsauken to, like, one of those, like, complexes went in. It was like a rented conference room. They gave me the pitch, and I went out with a guy like a kid. He's like, you'll go out with me. You'll shadow him today. Unpaid, obvious. Not paying me. I'm paid and I get in.

[Big J Okerson]

You're getting to learn.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

And these are valuable lessons.

[H. Foley]

He had white Oakley's on, which is never a good look.

[Big J Okerson]

Yikes.

[H. Foley]

And he's like, you a big press. I'm a little hungover. I'm like, ah, yeah. I get after it too, you know, Dueling pianos, bars. How you ever at a club? And he's like.

[Kevin Ryan]

I was at this piano place last night, and this fact it was taking a shot.

[Big J Okerson]

Ruined my night. I couldn't even sleep. I'm exhausted.

[H. Foley]

And he goes. I go, yeah. He's like, yeah, I was at a big Halloween party last night. I was like, oh, yeah? Where? You know, did you dress up or whatever? He's like, yeah. He's like, you know, Preston, Steve. It's like the local feel. I'm like, yeah, great radio station.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

And he's like, we were at their party last night. I was like, oh, that's cool. And like, I listened on the drive down, you know what I mean? Of like. And he's like, like. I was like, who? I was like, what was your costume? He's like, we came in third. I'm like, what was your costume? Goes. Me and my boys all dressed up as Tetris pieces. And I was like, I gotta get the out of here. They're bragging about the Tetris pieces. That's the bad.

[Big J Okerson]

I've never felt like I. I was always oddball out in every goofy, like, laborious job I ever took. Even I was going, like. I always remember having to meet a guy. It's like, you're meeting this guy and you guys are gonna go. We put like the. The. The hoses down for cars to run over to count cars for this company and shit. All these, like, media just. Or surveying where you hold the thing while he's taking a camera shot from across the street or something. I was always. And I never was like, I'm never gonna be the guy.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

With the backwards sunglasses on the back of his head while he's figuring out something like. I don't know. They're so like, you probably look good.

[Kevin Ryan]

In orange penny, though. I would imagine that was the job.

[Big J Okerson]

That was the job. I said, they sent me out and I got my first prostitute with my grandmother's money.

[H. Foley]

Right. We've shit on you on Legionist gangs for that.

[Big J Okerson]

Poor mama. She didn't know. She just want to make sure I eat. I ate. All right.

[H. Foley]

We got time for one more and then we gotta wrap it up. This is from Nick. Very dirtbag thing this is. Hey, gang. Ten dollar donator. If someone asks you how much an item costs, do you include the tax in the price? Example, if a TV costs 500, do you say 550 just to make it sound more expensive? Expensive. I always. I mean, I'll.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'll double it. Yeah. Never even think about that.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. I would just say, yeah, whatever the price is, I throw the tax Right in there. Yeah, for sure. Whatever I paid.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Whatever came out of my for sure. I even do that. If it was 500 I'm like that was fucking $1500.

[Big J Okerson]

I hate it going the other way so much that I've changed anything. Like buying ticket Apps always have that. There's a button you can push says include fees and taxes. Like just tell me what the fucking hole.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, just tell me what the StubHub kills me.

[Big J Okerson]

That's what I'm gonna tell people.

[H. Foley]

People.

[Big J Okerson]

Doesn't matter. Exactly. It doesn't matter. If it's a 250 ticket, it might be a $415. Yeah. After they hit you with stuff.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

So it's a 400 ticket.

[Kevin Ryan]

Clean any out of it.

[Big J Okerson]

Pieces of scumbag.

[Kevin Ryan]

I need money for my magnet belt.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. I can't make this.

[Kevin Ryan]

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Big J Okerson specials out on YouTube them and they it's a two parter. Absolutely fantastic. Again. We mean that dude.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's unbelievable. Coming up this weekend, you want folks to know.

[Big J Okerson]

What do you got this weekend? No, in two weekends I'm in Liberty, Ohio. Cincinnati area. Governor's Long island. Coming up bigj comedy.com for all my dates.

[H. Foley]

There you go guys. We're all over the road. Tickets on sale now. Get them Wadi while supplies list.

[Kevin Ryan]

Ladies and gentlemen. We love you, Jay. We love you.

[Big J Okerson]

Thank you guys. Love you.

[Kevin Ryan]

See you next week.

[Big J Okerson]

Peace.