Are You Garbage? - “Gift Card Ballers!” w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Episode Date: January 5, 2026
Hosts: Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Episode Overview

In this classic “family episode” of Are You Garbage?—meaning it’s just the boys, no guests—Kevin and Foley dig deep into a wild, loose, and very funny conversation about what it means to be “garbage,” riffing on everything from old-school courtesy to dirtbag cars, cringey childhood snacks, shady childhood lies, and the true darkness behind nursery rhymes. The energy is pure riff: playful bickering, improv bits gone off the rails, and classic trashy nostalgia. If you’ve ever eaten peanut butter on an Amoroso roll… this one’s for you.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The “Sir” & “Brother” Debate

[05:36–11:00]

• Foley’s “Upgrade”: Foley reveals he’s been calling everyone “sir” lately, no longer reserving it for authority figures:

  “I’ve been calling everybody sir lately, even more than I did...”

• Kevin is skeptical: Kevin pushes back, saying “sir” feels inherently about age and can come off weird if used for everyone:

  “I think, sir, can I explain my point of view?... built into that, it’s about age.”

• Brother vs. Sir: The guys do a rambling, increasingly absurd improv bit to distinguish “sir” (formal, for strangers) from “brother” (for when you’re already boys), which turns into trashing each other as scene partners:

  “You can’t jump between brother and sir. So there's something...something's rotten…” – Kevin [07:16]

2. Improvising Gone Off the Rails

[10:31–15:34]

• Multiple “restaurant roleplay” attempts get sidetracked by breaks of character, scene-stealing, and calling each other out on improv etiquette:

  “You’re supposed to set me up! You’re the setup guy, I’m the spike man.” – Foley [11:25]
  "God damn it... I’m a goddamn entertainer. This is what gets people in the seats." – Kevin [11:36]

• Foley tells a real-life story about being unfairly profiled in a store:

  “The manager walks over and goes, ‘Bring that over to the other register... we’ll start ringing it up, and he’ll walk out and go over to the Salvation Army.’” [12:13]

3. Peak Trash Nostalgia: American Idol, ShamWow, Childhood Food Crimes

[28:31–34:45]

• Is it Garbage to Vote on TV Competitions?
  Classic AYG question from Kippy’s mother-in-law:

  “Is it garbage to vote for reality TV contests like Dancing with the Stars?” [28:34]

  • Both hosts agree, it’s pretty trashy—but defend childhood fandom. Kevin admits they watched American Idol, but would NEVER call in to vote.
• Infomercial Addiction: Both were tempted by late-night ads for useless junk:

  “Dude, I loved an infomerch. I loved that Slap Chop guy. He could sell me anything. Shamwow. Slap Chop. Turned out to be a bit of a deviant.” – Kevin [32:24]

• Childhood Lying:
  Foley and Kevin reminisce about childhood lying (“World’s worst liar!” [42:34]), forgiving sibling secrets, and never ratting to parents:

  “There’s a healthy amount of lying that needs to be done within the siblings, to the parents. Not all information should travel up the organizational chart…” – Kevin [43:23]

4. Dirtbag Cars & the Nissan Altima Principle

[36:24–40:44]

• A listener’s list of car ownership sparks a classic garbage breakdown:
  • Mitsubishi Galant
  • Dodge Caliber (“that thing stunk, man…” [37:05])
  • Chrysler 300
  • Nissan Altima
• Kevin’s dirtbag theorem:

  “Not everybody who drives an Altima is a dirt bag. Every dirt bag drives an Altima.” [38:21]

• Foley adds context: Altimas are popular with people who have “good credit, bad credit”—and therefore, lots of sketchy drivers.

5. Truly Trashy Foods & Situational Etiquette

[45:12–51:53]

• Amoroso Rolls and Peanut Butter:
  • Glorious description of eating peanut butter on rolls, gallons of milk, pretzels thrown in for crunch:

    “You get peanut butter all over that thing…then your mom yells at you ‘cause there’s peanut butter all over the…” – Kevin [45:46]

• Garbage Table Manners:
  • Cleaning a glass with your napkin in mixed company is a Foley move:

    “...seems to turn people off. Yeah, I’ve caught people looking at me. Man is cleaning his glass, donated the bathroom.” – Foley [51:03]

6. Nursery Rhymes Are Absolutely Cursed

[54:28–57:07]

• Foley and Kevin dig into the horrifying true stories behind “Ring Around the Rosie” (the Black Death) and “London Bridge is Falling Down” (historical tragedy):

  “These Brits got a fing… Give me a timestamp on that.” – Foley [56:48]
  “British kids dancing around your body as you’re laying there, all fed up.” – Foley [57:00]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “You ever worn JNCO Jeans? You’re Garbage.” – Opening premise
• “We’re in the middle of the road. That’s what we like doing. We’re not show offs.” – Kevin [01:53]
• “I’ve been calling everybody sir lately…” – Foley [06:01]
• “Not everybody who drives an Altima is a dirt bag. Every dirt bag drives an Altima.” – Kevin [38:21]
• “Dude, I loved an infomerch. I loved that Slap Chop guy. He could sell me anything.” – Kevin [32:24]
• “There’s a healthy amount of lying that needs to be done within the siblings, to the parents.” – Kevin [43:23]
• “British kids dancing around your body as you’re laying there, all f***ed up.” – Foley [57:00]

Funniest Improv/Bit Moments

• Failed restaurant “sir/brother” scenes devolving into accusations of bad scene work, followed by another argument about which of them is the “set up” or the “spike” in their comedy partnership.
  [10:31–15:34]

• Peanut butter milk:

  “Peanut butter milk might not be bad…Wait, gay guys, peanut butter…” – Foley [46:45–47:15]
  (utterly nonsensical detour about milk substitutes and peanut buttermilk)

• Nursery rhymes as horror:

  “I can’t even listen to those songs…Recorded in a can…None of that stuff, okay?” – Foley [58:07]

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 05:36–11:00 — “Sir” vs. “Brother” etiquette debate
• 10:31–15:34 — Improv roleplay chaos, plus Foley insulted at retail
• 28:31–34:45 — Voting for TV shows and infomercial nostalgia
• 36:24–40:44 — Trash car lineage & Nissan Altima principle
• 45:12–51:53 — Peanut butter sandwiches, glass etiquette, and snack trash
• 54:28–57:07 — Nursery rhymes are secretly horrifying

Tone & Takeaway

The episode is riotously funny, frequently off-topic, with the kind of brotherly bickering and trash memories that keep fans coming back. It captures what “Are You Garbage?” does best: turning the everyday, the embarrassing, and the low-rent into comedy gold—and making listeners feel a little less alone in their own garbage habits.

If you grew up lying to your parents about empty milk gallons, slapping together greasy snacks, or getting anxious about calling American Idol, this is your tribe. “Gift Card Ballers” is as garbage as it gets, and proud of it.