Gift Card Ballers! w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Summary

Are You Garbage? - “Gift Card Ballers!” w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Episode Date: January 5, 2026
Hosts: Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

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Episode Overview

In this classic “family episode” of Are You Garbage?—meaning it’s just the boys, no guests—Kevin and Foley dig deep into a wild, loose, and very funny conversation about what it means to be “garbage,” riffing on everything from old-school courtesy to dirtbag cars, cringey childhood snacks, shady childhood lies, and the true darkness behind nursery rhymes. The energy is pure riff: playful bickering, improv bits gone off the rails, and classic trashy nostalgia. If you’ve ever eaten peanut butter on an Amoroso roll… this one’s for you.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The “Sir” & “Brother” Debate

[05:36–11:00]

• Foley’s “Upgrade”: Foley reveals he’s been calling everyone “sir” lately, no longer reserving it for authority figures:

  “I’ve been calling everybody sir lately, even more than I did...”

• Kevin is skeptical: Kevin pushes back, saying “sir” feels inherently about age and can come off weird if used for everyone:

  “I think, sir, can I explain my point of view?... built into that, it’s about age.”

• Brother vs. Sir: The guys do a rambling, increasingly absurd improv bit to distinguish “sir” (formal, for strangers) from “brother” (for when you’re already boys), which turns into trashing each other as scene partners:

  “You can’t jump between brother and sir. So there's something...something's rotten…” – Kevin [07:16]

2. Improvising Gone Off the Rails

[10:31–15:34]

• Multiple “restaurant roleplay” attempts get sidetracked by breaks of character, scene-stealing, and calling each other out on improv etiquette:

  “You’re supposed to set me up! You’re the setup guy, I’m the spike man.” – Foley [11:25]
  "God damn it... I’m a goddamn entertainer. This is what gets people in the seats." – Kevin [11:36]

• Foley tells a real-life story about being unfairly profiled in a store:

  “The manager walks over and goes, ‘Bring that over to the other register... we’ll start ringing it up, and he’ll walk out and go over to the Salvation Army.’” [12:13]

3. Peak Trash Nostalgia: American Idol, ShamWow, Childhood Food Crimes

[28:31–34:45]

• Is it Garbage to Vote on TV Competitions?
  Classic AYG question from Kippy’s mother-in-law:

  “Is it garbage to vote for reality TV contests like Dancing with the Stars?” [28:34]

  • Both hosts agree, it’s pretty trashy—but defend childhood fandom. Kevin admits they watched American Idol, but would NEVER call in to vote.
• Infomercial Addiction: Both were tempted by late-night ads for useless junk:

  “Dude, I loved an infomerch. I loved that Slap Chop guy. He could sell me anything. Shamwow. Slap Chop. Turned out to be a bit of a deviant.” – Kevin [32:24]

• Childhood Lying:
  Foley and Kevin reminisce about childhood lying (“World’s worst liar!” [42:34]), forgiving sibling secrets, and never ratting to parents:

  “There’s a healthy amount of lying that needs to be done within the siblings, to the parents. Not all information should travel up the organizational chart…” – Kevin [43:23]

4. Dirtbag Cars & the Nissan Altima Principle

[36:24–40:44]

• A listener’s list of car ownership sparks a classic garbage breakdown:
  • Mitsubishi Galant
  • Dodge Caliber (“that thing stunk, man…” [37:05])
  • Chrysler 300
  • Nissan Altima
• Kevin’s dirtbag theorem:

  “Not everybody who drives an Altima is a dirt bag. Every dirt bag drives an Altima.” [38:21]

• Foley adds context: Altimas are popular with people who have “good credit, bad credit”—and therefore, lots of sketchy drivers.

5. Truly Trashy Foods & Situational Etiquette

[45:12–51:53]

• Amoroso Rolls and Peanut Butter:
  • Glorious description of eating peanut butter on rolls, gallons of milk, pretzels thrown in for crunch:

    “You get peanut butter all over that thing…then your mom yells at you ‘cause there’s peanut butter all over the…” – Kevin [45:46]

• Garbage Table Manners:
  • Cleaning a glass with your napkin in mixed company is a Foley move:

    “...seems to turn people off. Yeah, I’ve caught people looking at me. Man is cleaning his glass, donated the bathroom.” – Foley [51:03]

6. Nursery Rhymes Are Absolutely Cursed

[54:28–57:07]

• Foley and Kevin dig into the horrifying true stories behind “Ring Around the Rosie” (the Black Death) and “London Bridge is Falling Down” (historical tragedy):

  “These Brits got a fing… Give me a timestamp on that.” – Foley [56:48]
  “British kids dancing around your body as you’re laying there, all fed up.” – Foley [57:00]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “You ever worn JNCO Jeans? You’re Garbage.” – Opening premise
• “We’re in the middle of the road. That’s what we like doing. We’re not show offs.” – Kevin [01:53]
• “I’ve been calling everybody sir lately…” – Foley [06:01]
• “Not everybody who drives an Altima is a dirt bag. Every dirt bag drives an Altima.” – Kevin [38:21]
• “Dude, I loved an infomerch. I loved that Slap Chop guy. He could sell me anything.” – Kevin [32:24]
• “There’s a healthy amount of lying that needs to be done within the siblings, to the parents.” – Kevin [43:23]
• “British kids dancing around your body as you’re laying there, all f***ed up.” – Foley [57:00]

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Funniest Improv/Bit Moments

• Failed restaurant “sir/brother” scenes devolving into accusations of bad scene work, followed by another argument about which of them is the “set up” or the “spike” in their comedy partnership.
  [10:31–15:34]

• Peanut butter milk:

  “Peanut butter milk might not be bad…Wait, gay guys, peanut butter…” – Foley [46:45–47:15]
  (utterly nonsensical detour about milk substitutes and peanut buttermilk)

• Nursery rhymes as horror:

  “I can’t even listen to those songs…Recorded in a can…None of that stuff, okay?” – Foley [58:07]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 05:36–11:00 — “Sir” vs. “Brother” etiquette debate
• 10:31–15:34 — Improv roleplay chaos, plus Foley insulted at retail
• 28:31–34:45 — Voting for TV shows and infomercial nostalgia
• 36:24–40:44 — Trash car lineage & Nissan Altima principle
• 45:12–51:53 — Peanut butter sandwiches, glass etiquette, and snack trash
• 54:28–57:07 — Nursery rhymes are secretly horrifying

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Tone & Takeaway

The episode is riotously funny, frequently off-topic, with the kind of brotherly bickering and trash memories that keep fans coming back. It captures what “Are You Garbage?” does best: turning the everyday, the embarrassing, and the low-rent into comedy gold—and making listeners feel a little less alone in their own garbage habits.

If you grew up lying to your parents about empty milk gallons, slapping together greasy snacks, or getting anxious about calling American Idol, this is your tribe. “Gift Card Ballers” is as garbage as it gets, and proud of it.

Transcript

[A]

Hear ye, hear ye, all our friends to the north up there in Canada. The boys are crossing the border and we're coming over, baby.

[B]

Yeah. January 9th, we're going to be at the Queen Elizabeth Theatre in Toronto, Ontario. Limited tickets left. Get them while they last. Then we got Austin, Tampa, Chicago, Indiana, Nashville, Pittsburgh, and Cleveland. All tickets [e-mail], we'll See yous on the road.

[A]

See you, hosers. Welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is RU Garbage. Oh, yeah, it's that little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that at their growth to be classy. Yeah, they're just a big old piece of trash.

[B]

Trash, trash, trash.

[A]

I'm your host, H. Foley. Coming at you on a glorious day. We're out back here at Tooties in the new edition. She's hitting it really hard this year, okay. Down there at the Cheetah Club.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It's a new ladies fitness club. It's not nefarious, it's not a strip club.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It's a strip club.

[B]

All right. Yeah. I picked up on dancing, old dancing. That's good for your core strength.

[A]

It's good for your core strength. She wants to put one in here.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Shake. What you're shaking your tail feather.

[A]

I don't want to come in and catch you spinning around on that thing upside down with a dollar bill in your mouth, one in your butt cheeks playing pickup stick.

[B]

Sounds like you do want to see it.

[A]

My co host is coming at you from across the table is what we call the family episode. Just the boys, the bozos, and Naomi's for 2026. Give it up for KJ. Kevin, James Ryan, everybody.

[B]

What up, gang? Shout out to you as always, please make sure you rate view subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Also full video available over there on Spotify. And the boys are in the middle of the road. That's what we like doing. We're not show offs.

[A]

No, we're not.

[B]

These guys that come and, and, and, and, and climb the charts, we were, we pick at, we pick away at it. Pick away.

[A]

We're selling albums, we're doing shows, doing all right. Yeah.

[B]

Are we the biggest guys in the world?

[A]

No.

[B]

No. Are we the smallest? No, we are not.

[A]

No.

[B]

Are we having a good time? Do we love the homies and the bozos. Of course we do. That's why you go over there. If you want more content, if you want more of this great content that we put out. Www.patreon.com ReggieVarbage. You go over there, you get up to three bajillion hours. That's what I just got in. The reports came in three bajillion hours with the bonus content. That's for comedic purposes. And they're not legally bound to provide.

[A]

Sure, absolutely. We're a van tour band. We're doing our thing.

[B]

Yeah, we do our thing.

[A]

A couple of hits. Nothing that popped up in the Billboard yet.

[B]

No.

[A]

I gotta come working on a couple right now.

[B]

We're gonna be those guys when they look. When you look back in 20 years, remember that. They were great. They had some good stuff. I loved them.

[A]

We haven't.

[B]

We were not gonna be. We're not gonn. Introducing the Rock and Roll hall of Fame. Maybe we're not gonna have the top floor like Bon Jovi had. Which by the way, if you've been there in Cleveland, will be in Cleveland, get your tickets. But that top floor. Me and Diesel were in there. Fucking. I'm not a Bon Jovi fan. That turned us into a Bon Jovi fan. That guy seen a million faces and he rocked them all.

[A]

He sold. Who said that? He said that. That's a good quote.

[B]

That's on the song.

[A]

We're Eddie Money. Eddie money sold 28 million records. But you wouldn't know it. He was just a hard working kid.

[B]

We did not sell 28 million records.

[A]

Let's.

[B]

Let's clear that out.

[A]

Just like if he even got a dollar at 28 million cash. That's not talking about the door.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Shout out to any money. Easy money. It's a good film.

[B]

Maybe that's why we're not the top of the charts. We're giving Eddie Money shout outs.

[A]

We are contractually obligated on family episodes to stop by and talk to the owner's son who works here.

[B]

No, I've pushed back. He's no longer the owner. I looked at those. That paperwork was all bunk.

[A]

I was drunk when I signed it.

[B]

Back of a McDonald's receipt.

[A]

You know, they say that's why Cole. Whatever his name was.

[B]

Ammo.

[A]

No intrude Detective. That's why he drank. Because no matter. Anything he said would have been admissible in court. The word I'm learning recently, admissible.

[C]

Luke Dempsey, happy to be back in Q1. Excited. We took tooties off the books.

[A]

Yes, we did.

[C]

Q1's looking great now.

[A]

Oh, you took titties off the book.

[B]

I'm like portnoy. I bought it back for a dollar. Take that Demc group, the kids back. Back on top. Middle of the curve. Eddie Money. The Eddie Money of podcast music.

[A]

Could be ourselves again with a collared shirt.

[B]

Really attacking Q1.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

You are a businessman.

[A]

Well, I guess set myself up.

[B]

Now you're gonna ask me for something. I know. I see this coming down.

[A]

No, like lunch after this wouldn't kill me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'll tell you what I wanted to ask before we get into the Q's, shout out to all the bozos and homies out there. Q1, freshen it up.

[B]

Something's going on. Because Q1, you were sitting at the table eight minutes before we started and.

[A]

Hey, man, just a new me.

[B]

Got a bit of a tude on him.

[A]

That's not true. Think I've been very delightful around the office.

[B]

I made a joke and you went, maybe it wasn't that funny of a joke. I get it.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

I was getting some of the fluff out.

[A]

Called your secretary a bitch. No, I wouldn't say that.

[B]

You just did.

[A]

No, I wouldn't say that to anybody.

[B]

I don't have a secretary.

[A]

Yeah, you do. Who's the hot kid out there?

[B]

He's Shark.

[A]

Mark the shark. Listen, I'm gonna get pushback on this.

[B]

Not for me.

[A]

It's 2026. We need to class.

[B]

Sure about that?

[A]

We need to class it up a little bit. And I don't mean in here. We're gonna always be trashy. I have been doing something lately in a non annoying, non patronizing way that I think it'd be cool if we kind of brought this back. I don't want to say it.

[B]

It's about me.

[A]

No. Okay.

[B]

What's it have to do with over.

[A]

The last few weeks, especially if somebody's like, you know. I've been calling everybody sir lately, even more than I did. A lot of times it was somebody older or somebody in the military or a cop or whatever. Thanks, sir. But I've been kind of doing it for everybody. Especially, like, I remember when I was Christmas shopping, there was a guy that was taking out the trash. And we met our contacts. How you doing, sir? He said, how you doing? Good to see you. Makes people feel good. Sir, we should. We should get back into that.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

As gentlemen now. You're a madman guy.

[C]

I'm into it, but I feel like it's also calling A woman, ma'. Am, Sometimes I do agree with that.

[B]

It's that bullshit.

[A]

It's not about age, man. It's about respect. It's about acknowledging each other that we're all professional people. We're all out there doing our goddamn best with what we got. You fucking pieces of shit. Jesus Christ.

[B]

Q1 wound tight.

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay, you just went off on a dialogue and started screaming.

[A]

I. I know you don't like it.

[B]

I'm.

[A]

Also. Any black guys out there, I call everybody brother, just so you know. I just want that stated because sometimes that gets in my head.

[B]

I do the same thing.

[A]

I call everybody.

[B]

I do the same thing.

[A]

I love it.

[B]

I gotta push back, though. You can't jump between brother and sir. So there's something. Something's rotten in the state of Hank over here.

[A]

No, I just think you can't say.

[B]

I call everybody brother. And I also call people sir. So you're choosing. No matter who gets it.

[A]

I'll tell you.

[B]

Okay, ready, Hispanic guy.

[A]

We just walked into a place, brother. We just walked into a. I just walked into a place.

[B]

What kind of place am I there?

[A]

You work there?

[B]

I worked there.

[A]

Yes, you worked there.

[B]

Things are going Q1 is bad. I'm a. I don't know, a famous entertainer.

[A]

Okay, let's go with that.

[B]

All right, let me see if I can get there. Okay. All right.

[A]

Diesel, my scarf.

[B]

And what am I, some sort of. Some sort of maitre d?

[A]

No, not yet. More of a back waiter? No, I'm in a retail store and I'm working.

[B]

Okay. I'm not even a mater d of a nice joint. I'm working retail. I'm back in Mason.

[A]

What's wrong with retail?

[B]

I'm nothing. But I. That I'd rather be. I'd rather be. Quarterback in a fucking jets or something. No, a nice restaurant. A nice restaurant.

[A]

Have I ever seen you throwing a football? Can you throw a football?

[B]

I'm sure.

[A]

Can you shoot a baseball?

[B]

Yeah. I would beat you in basketball a hundred times out of a hundred.

[A]

Whoa, take it easy, Glory days.

[B]

No, that's not glory. You know, you just asked me like a high school bully. Can you even shoot a basketball? No. No.

[A]

I was hoping that you as a.

[B]

Guy with active poop in his pants.

[A]

Hold on a second. First of all, I told you not to say nothing about that.

[B]

You need.

[A]

I'm still in my no underwear phase.

[B]

Can I. Can I bring up. So this is a little more. A little more hard feelings, but we're done hard feelings for the week.

[A]

Hold On a second.

[B]

What?

[A]

I need you to.

[B]

Okay, look. Can I work at a restaurant? Can I be. Can I be. Can I be the guy calling shot caller at a restaurant?

[A]

A hostess.

[B]

No shot caller, obviously. One of galleries.

[A]

I don't go to restaurants that have Mater Ds. I go to restaurants that have college broads working there during the break.

[B]

Yeah, we all been to Twin Peaks. All right, tough guy.

[A]

What's Twin Peaks?

[B]

Okay, what's that?

[A]

The famous TV show from the 80s with Lollipop Club. I like the Lollipop Club, huh?

[B]

Listen, I'm trying. I come in one on one. Me versus you.

[A]

I come in first.

[B]

Makers make it take it.

[A]

Hi, how can I.

[B]

11. 11. Nothing's a shutout. Ready 21, win by two.

[A]

Say hi. How can I help you?

[B]

Oh, my God. You're that guy from that podcast I love with Kippy. What's your name again?

[A]

I'm Andy Garbage.

[B]

I forgot about Andy.

[A]

Can you play along? Can you take direction?

[B]

Can you?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

It's comedy podcast. You're trying to do serious scenes. Can you take directions by riffing in the moment?

[A]

Go ahead.

[B]

What?

[A]

Hey, how you doing?

[B]

Hey, what's up, sir?

[A]

Hey, how are you?

[B]

How long you been.

[A]

No, no, no. You can't say surfer stink. You can't say surf first.

[B]

How do you get a job like this?

[A]

How do I get a job like this? I have to work very hard.

[B]

You're the matri d. You're the maitre d the New York jets, that's how. Your comedy podcast.

[A]

You directed defensive tackles.

[B]

Sweetness. Luke, Isom.

[A]

Give me a. Hey, how you doing?

[B]

Hey, how you doing?

[A]

How are you doing, sir? We have a reservation.

[B]

Nervous guy, huh? You don't belong here. Bounce him. Come on. Guys like you. Don't you. Clearly you don't have a reservation.

[A]

All right, let's do it.

[B]

You probably don't have any cash on you either.

[A]

Let's do it again.

[B]

Nice joint like this.

[A]

Let's do it again. Do it again. But you can't say sir. You have to say, hey, how can I help you?

[B]

Hey, how can I help you?

[A]

Hey, how are you, sir? Good to see you.

[B]

Yeah, the bathrooms are for customers only.

[A]

Fuck you, then.

[B]

I was here last week. Jerk off.

[A]

All right, give me a soda or something.

[B]

How much is a water?

[A]

Not that bottled shit. Anyway, since you can't do a scene, I'm killing.

[B]

What are you talking about?

[A]

Yeah, but you're killing in the wrong way. You're making your scene partner look stupid. No, you're supposed to Set me up? You're supposed to set me up. You're the. You're the setup guy. I'm the spike man.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Cause you're spiking it. You're not supposed to.

[B]

God damn it.

[A]

Throwing it up to yourself and spiking it. You got to piss to me. You ever do improv? It's not about showing off.

[B]

I'm a goddamn entertainer. Huh? This is what gets people in the seats. This is why we cash checks, baby. Laughs. You're trying to lower the lights and do stammers.

[A]

No, I'm not. I'm trying to prove a goddamn point. You piece of shit. That we're supposed to be nice to each other.

[B]

Sorry, I can't turn off. I am being nice to you.

[A]

You're not. You're making fun of me, telling me I can't use the bathroom, which is fucked up to do to a fellow human if I have to use the bath. You know, I didn't tell you this. I was gonna shit myself. I was at a store a couple of days ago getting some stuff, you know.

[B]

Okay, wow. Really? On the edge of my seat over.

[A]

Here, I go over to the one counter where they're kind of, like, doing inventory, whatever, and I go, hey, man, you. What if I set this down here for a minute? And the guy behind the counter goes, yeah, of course. Go ahead. Then this manager walks over and goes, bring that over to the other register. I heard this lady say this. Bring it over the other register. Because you know us, we'll start ringing it up, and then he'll walk out and go over to the Salvation Army. That's what she said about me.

[B]

Huh? Wait, what's that mean?

[A]

That I'm a bozo?

[B]

That you don't have the cash for it?

[A]

Something. You believe that?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

I didn't have a shirt on, but.

[B]

Still drinking soup from the can. Split pee. Found the chunk of bacon at the bottom.

[A]

Isn't that up?

[B]

She was insinuating that you're broke and you're gonna.

[A]

I don't know what she was insinuating.

[B]

I like this broad.

[A]

It was a nice joint.

[B]

You call her sir? Maybe you called her sir. She got a little upset.

[A]

Hey, thanks, toots. Do it again.

[B]

Hey, how are you? Hey, welcome to Get.

[A]

You gotta be the star, don't you? This is what it's all about.

[B]

So you gotta build a scene.

[A]

You're not a team player.

[B]

You gotta build a scene.

[A]

Just do it so I can get to the goddamn point.

[B]

Hey, sir, welcome to Gallagher's do you have?

[A]

I can't say, sir. And you don't work at Gallagher's?

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

It's the son that does the front there. You wouldn't. You'd maybe be one of the lackeys standing behind him. Yeah, right. Talking about the tall guy. The good looking guy.

[B]

Yeah, I'm the tall, good looking guy, obviously.

[A]

No, you're not.

[B]

Have you seen the program? No, I'm the tall, good looking guy.

[A]

You wouldn't be working at galleys like that. You'd be running food or something. Oh, with that attitude.

[B]

Hello. Hello. Welcome to Gallagher's. Happy Holidays.

[A]

How are you, sir? Good to see you. Table for two? I have a reservation under Foley. My assistant made it.

[B]

Let me see.

[A]

Okay, whatever.

[B]

Fast forward coming up.

[A]

It's not the point. I have dinner, sir. I have a nice dinner.

[B]

Sir, please stop yelling. I'm looking. I'm looking for you. You said it was Foley. Can you spell that? F, O, L, E, Y. F, O, L, E, Y. And your first name is? H. Say that again.

[A]

Sir, I said H. I'm a famous entertainer.

[B]

Would you be. Have I seen in anything?

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Like what?

[A]

Manifest, Jim Gaffigan show. Gotham.

[B]

Anything from this century.

[A]

Sir, that was in the century decade. No, but I would still like to have a meal.

[B]

Okay, forget about it. Sir, you're causing a scene. Can you step aside?

[A]

I'm gonna take my business elsewhere.

[B]

Sir, we don't have any business, apparently.

[A]

Okay, you do have a gift card.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Patty, want to take me out to dinner with a gift card?

[B]

That's fine.

[A]

No, it's not.

[B]

Listen, you don't have it. You can't be standing on airs. She wants to take you out with. What the fuck? Hey, guy. It's not halftime. Fucking takes a nine second sip. Fucking broadcast.

[A]

I was thinking a choice acting choice. My point is, on the way out, I would say thank you, brother. So that's the dichotomy, how I bounce? Serm, brother.

[B]

Okay. Jesus.

[A]

Like the Nuremberg Trials in here.

[B]

The Jimmy Neutron trials in here.

[A]

Did they put him on trial? Yeah, they should have. Arson he up a lot of spots. He had uncontrolled nuclear weapons in his goddamn basement. Parents didn't know what the hell was going on.

[B]

Never watched the program.

[A]

I thought that was your.

[B]

Nah, that was a big insult. Shut up. Jimmy Neutron Head. Somebody with a good head of hair.

[A]

Yeah, Jimmy neutral.

[B]

Hit him with Jimmy Neutron head. A little body, big head, big quaff. That's what we would do.

[A]

I could have done that as a Live action show. And as I've always said, you're older.

[B]

I'd be graded.

[A]

Neutron. For the older, older folks out there, Johnny Quest would have been a great live action show, which I've said many times on this program. Yes.

[B]

Anyway.

[A]

You don't like, sir?

[B]

I don't. I just think. I think, sir, can I. Can I explain my point of view?

[A]

No.

[B]

I was. Kicked it over to Luke.

[A]

I was gonn, let's see if I can get him on my side real quick. Wouldn't it be cool if Luke's generation started calling each other sir? Hey, sorry, Dung. Good to see you. Good to see you, sir.

[B]

To each other.

[A]

Mix it up a little bit.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

It's not about age. It's about respect.

[B]

I understand, but I think inherently built into that, it's about age, and you want to take it out, which is fine. But to everyone else, I think age is built into that, as is, ma'. Am. Whether or not I don't use ma'.

[A]

Am, I use honey a lot.

[B]

That's the worst.

[A]

No, thank you.

[B]

Dude, that's. That's fucking, you know, that bad. Four fifths of, you know, three fingers of bourbon and fucking. You're. You're fucking. You're a couple seconds away from asking her to fucking take it. Turn around. Let me get a good look at you with honey. Honey's wild.

[A]

Had my uncle do that one time. One of my girlfriend.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. You turn around is the 90s.

[B]

It was different. Different time.

[A]

I remember my funeral, which was weird. He just wanted to see her dress. Hey, you look beautiful. Give me a turn.

[B]

Give me a turn. Why don't you back it up and dump it for me, sweetheart, huh? I'm grieving here.

[A]

He made me do this. He made me do the same thing. So.

[B]

I got a grief boner going. Sad boner.

[A]

Kevin's talking about bluechew.

[B]

Knock, knock, Boner town. How you done?

[A]

Holidays are over, but the candy canes are still sitting around.

[B]

Here's his hook. Yikes.

[A]

Mine's a fruity flavor when it's leaning to the right gang. Do yourself a favor, get a little blue juice, straighten yourself out. Everybody needs a little help in the bedroom. We all know that. You get a little older, you put in a couple pounds, you need a little assist. You got juice A little bit.

[B]

Also. Listen, if you're just. Also, let's say you're stunning, in great shape, you know, want to keep her.

[A]

Coming back, blow her reins out, if.

[B]

You catch my drift. You know, I mean, have her walking fun Woo.

[A]

It's Kevin.

[B]

How you doing?

[A]

The family show.

[B]

Hey. Just saying.

[A]

Procreation only.

[B]

Yes. Guys, listen. Bluechew list, they got. Bluechew Gold is the newest innovation from the number one chewable Ed brand. This ain't your grandpa's little blue pill. This is the four in one beast that sets the gold standard for performance. I don't know if I'm up to this. We're talking two ingredients for blood flow that keep the rocket pumping and apomorphine and oxytocin to turn up the arousal. And I'm hard right now. I don't have what he's at. Listen, this stuff works because I'm reading about it and I'm hard. It turns up the arousal connection in your body and brain. It dissolves under your tongue and works in as little as 15 minutes. Jesus. I'll still be in a car. So I'm on my way to pick her up. If you catch my drip, get in right now. Make life easier by getting harder and discover your [e-mail] and we've got a special deal for AYG listeners. Get 10% off your first month Bluechew Gold and use the code garbage. That's promo code garbage. Visit bluechew.com for details. Important safety information. We thank BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast.

[A]

Yes, we do Kevin's talk about DraftKings.

[B]

The kings of the draft.

[A]

Let's talk about DraftKings and their new live betting. Let's do that. It's turning up the stakes for every DraftKings customer with over $2.5 million in prizes. Something you'd be interested in? Yeah, I think it would. Got the playoffs coming up. I know we got the playoffs coming up. Do yourself a Favor. Get on DraftKings. Start making a little bit of cash.

[B]

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[A]

I just forget the whole thing.

[B]

I understand. I just. Sometimes you say it and everybody around this is a communication is this is a problem with you sometimes if you'll say something or we'll say something and you'll say something wall all and everybody that hears it interprets it one way and you go I didn't mean that and I go I understand but this is how the room understood what you said and I lost it and then that's so I think a lot of times you say that to you know, you're a 50 year old guy calling people sir that are significantly Nobody knows.

[A]

I'm 50 they think I'm 35.

[B]

I understand but I think if you've seen manifest.

[A]

It'S a high school now.

[B]

How old am I again?

[A]

What I don't know how old are you? That doesn't really matter character but do.

[B]

You have anything on is sir Is there age built into sir or is that just all what we presume the assumption of it.

[C]

I was more confused of what was the point of the improv act out what were you trying to prove with the act?

[B]

The difference between sir and brother which I get no introduction Brother's like we're already friends.

[A]

Yes. Ok because we've. We've did We've demonstrated that we have mutual respect for each other and now we're boys.

[B]

I get that. That makes sense.

[A]

I got a great head nod from a dude the other day.

[B]

He was.

[A]

He was eating breakfast and I walked by. He looked like a. Like a European assassin but he was with his family.

[B]

Is it me?

[A]

No. No. Okay. You look like an American.

[B]

That guy?

[A]

No.

[B]

Podcaster? No. What?

[A]

A little washed up. You're thin now, so you just look a little washed up. You look sleepy, tired, burned out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Face check.

[B]

Checked. I felt like I came in refreshed for Q1, huh? Just saying how I feel.

[A]

Brought that tude with you through the New Year's, didn't you?

[B]

Yeah, you never let yours go, have you?

[A]

No, I'm chipper as it can be, sir. It's good to see you, brother. What were you asking me?

[C]

Point for, Foley. Sir is not age specific.

[B]

Sure, sure, sure.

[A]

You won, baby.

[B]

Everything's looking up for the bug man. Go fuck. Sir. I don't care what you call me, you still can't get a table here. Step aside for the pain. Gift card. Put those matches and mints back, please. Stop going through the coats at the go check. I left my keys in this. Yeah, the definition of sir. No one's calling a fucking little kid sir. Hey, sir. How you doing? Yeah, because it's age appropriate. I don't care. I don't care what fucking Webster's dictionary says. I'm digging my heels in.

[A]

Is that Webster's, Gary? What happened to them, by the way? They kind of tanked, didn't they?

[B]

I think dictionaries as a whole, you ever get. Hey, they're introducing this to the dictionary. Shut up. We don't care. It's not 1942 anymore. I got. I got porn to watch.

[A]

But you encyclopedias have taken a bath too.

[B]

Yeah, I don't think they exist anymore. No, I remember they put. When they put them online. I remember that in college, it was like, they're all online and that was big. Go to like Britannica.com. you had to have like a login. I remember, I can never remember my password.

[A]

I used to love an encyclopedia.

[B]

Yeah, that was fun. Like going to the. Going to the library, pulling it out, looking at it.

[A]

You'd catch a boob or two and then sometimes I remember under B, something for boobs. You catch a little titty in there. I can't remember why.

[B]

Sure, I mean, it was educational purposes that.

[A]

National Geographic was always good set of canes.

[B]

This, it was probably early to mid-90s. There was these set of books that were black. There were white. Like the covers were white with like black. They're all about sharks or like fish or snake. Man, they were the shit because they were like new. So I'd be in my crusty ass library all left over from the 70s, walk in there and start sneezing right Away Dust. Dustier than a motherfucker.

[A]

Do you have a book on asbestos lawsuits?

[B]

I'm doing some case study. Yeah.

[A]

Just fucking finding something in the library.

[B]

But then new and, like, that was cool. There was a cool, cool new book. And you're like, this is about sharks. And I was 8, and sharks were cool. And there was a book about skateboarding. It was old as. I was like, both. It was. They were. The old skateboards were like, all the.

[A]

Way straight, like, just going down a hill.

[B]

Yeah. Like in and out of cones.

[A]

And I'm like, listening to the monkeys.

[B]

I'm like, this sucks. Give me. Give me a ripper.

[A]

Something.

[B]

Something like that.

[A]

Thrasher.

[B]

But that was. Well, we had ccs. That was the big magazine.

[A]

What's that?

[B]

Was it skate catalog? Ccs. I don't know what.

[A]

It's a library.

[B]

No, that was, like, what we had. That was our only way you could really consume.

[A]

You didn't read Thrasher?

[B]

I didn't know who. You couldn't. I didn't know where we could get our hands on Thrasher. They didn't sell it at Wawa.

[A]

Huh?

[B]

Had to go to, like, a specialty store or something to get that. And my mom was not subscribing to something called Thrasher.

[A]

And you couldn't really skate, so you.

[B]

And I couldn't skate. No, I could cruise like a summer bitch. But yeah, that was. We had that. The catalog. Pass that thing around, fucking jerk off to another. What?

[C]

California Cheapskate.

[B]

Is that what it stood for? That's what my buddy said, but I never believed them. Look at that.

[A]

You cannot read. I always say that underneath the acronym.

[B]

No, it did not.

[A]

California Cheapskates.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Ccp.

[B]

What? California Commie Motherfucker.

[A]

California Cheaps. Oh, ccs. Yeah, it was cccp.

[B]

Who's that, The Chinese?

[A]

No, the Russians. What's it called? The CCP was ccc. It was three C's, right?

[C]

No, ccp. Chinese Communist Party.

[B]

That's who's banging now. Yeah.

[A]

What does CCP.

[B]

Who got to you in Q4? Q1.

[C]

I just said it. Chinese Communist Party.

[B]

It's right there in a name. And we let that happen.

[A]

I was cloned over the New Year.

[B]

These guys are commies and they're broadcasting it. Yeah, and they're making all of our gear.

[A]

Making all of our gear fucked. You ain't lying, sister. Good to see you, sir. Well, yeah, let's talk a little business.

[B]

Yeah, let's get into it, gang. As you know, we gotta. Gosh, I mean, all this, the respectful Talk neither here nor there. Scene studies, acting, premises. Me killing. Whatever you were not killing.

[A]

We got.

[B]

I was killing. You don't pretty good that bathroom bit.

[A]

Yeah, but it was on my setup.

[B]

You wouldn't give it to me. No, I was also.

[A]

Cuz I was trying to prove a point. You were screwing me.

[B]

You were acting. I'm reacting. I don't see lines. I see colors. Blue, red, green. I connect them to emotions. You're there. I'm just in it.

[A]

Huh?

[B]

Hit me.

[A]

I don't like you very much.

[B]

Is this a scene you're doing? Is. You're nailing it.

[A]

Thank you. Now we got a little mutual respect, gang.

[B]

As you know, when you sign up for the old Patreon A we will answer your garbage question on the air. And this is what I don't know if it's really ever come across. This one's from Kippy's mother in law. Hold your tongue.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Ten dollar bag of dicks here. That's just inappropriate. Never had one red. Is it garbage to vote for reality TV contests like Dancing with the Stars? We. We never did that.

[A]

You never voted for any of the American Idols. Come on.

[B]

I'm telling you, we watched that weren't.

[A]

A Ruben Stubbins fan name.

[B]

That's your version of him. Ruben Stubbs.

[A]

Ruben Stubbard.

[B]

Stuttered.

[A]

Stuttered. No, that wasn't stuttered. Was it?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, that's brutal.

[B]

That was season two, by the way.

[A]

Reuben stuttered. No, it wasn't stuttered.

[B]

It was. Dude stuttered.

[A]

That's crazy. I would have changed that. Reuben stutter like Danny Lisp.

[B]

Did he have a stutter?

[A]

No.

[B]

Yes. Then what's. There's no.

[A]

This is strange for showbiz name. Sure. Well, I don't think it's not cool like kevin ryan.

[B]

Oh, my bad. H, h foley.

[A]

H, h, h. My mom says h. Yeah, it's h e n r. I.

[B]

Spells your name wrong.

[A]

H e n r y is how you spell my name.

[B]

I thought you said I.

[A]

No, I'm not. Which I would be. I could be french. I would do it.

[B]

Hit it. Act. Act.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

This guy really, really turns on when the lights come on. Hey, once you find the punchline, you stick with it. That's. He's good gang showbiz. That's. No. I mean we were. Dude, we've invest. I mean we were invested in the first season of that Justin Guaraney from Bucks County.

[A]

You didn't vote though.

[B]

You had to. That's how my mom.

[A]

We come to a toll Free number. I'm sorry.

[B]

Tell Denise that and the height of getting fucking. No, the TV and the phone don't talk. That's how we operate. That's like the. That's like the microwave. Talking in the air conditioner. That don't happen.

[A]

What are you two chatting about?

[B]

Yeah, we're not. You're not calling the TV with your phone.

[A]

You've never called.

[B]

That's how they get you.

[A]

Yeah, calling the number off tv.

[B]

No way. Well, for what? There are plenty of people are voting. One vote ain't gonna sway it. Never. We watched every episode. A live vote. Every fucking time. Never once.

[A]

Just leaving it up to the universe.

[B]

I remember the first time I saw one of my. One of my ladies, one of my babysitters called the Radio. I was like, you're gonna get in trouble when she gets home. She finds out you called Philadelphia a.

[A]

Goddamn long distance call.

[B]

We're in a suburbs. Duds. Yeah.

[A]

No, I got caught one time during the day. Every once in a while they would have these wackadoo, like coloring sets. Like, it'd be like weird ink. Glow in the dark ink. And it would be like a set that had like a million colors and a million pieces of paper and like all this stuff with it. It was all crap. Yeah. I got caught calling out like. I mean, phone in hand, dialing it.

[B]

How old are you?

[A]

Fucking death.

[B]

Crazy.

[A]

It was like last year. What do you mean?

[B]

I'm asking how old you are. You're telling a story.

[A]

I was 11 or 12.

[B]

Okay, thanks. I was just curious. Cops. What the fuck?

[A]

On your phone. I got screamed at.

[B]

Yeah, we were never fucking.

[A]

Relax, lady.

[B]

We were. Don't play on the phone.

[A]

Free easy payment. I remember.

[B]

It's the spot. Was selling that to my mom. She being like, no, I go, it's just three nine payment easy. 9.99. You got that? I got that on me.

[A]

What are you trying to get?

[B]

Whatever. I. Dude, I loved an infomerch. I loved that Slap Chop guy. He could sell me anything. Shamwell. Slap Chop. It turned on to be. Turned into. Be a bit of a deviant.

[A]

You can only do one egg. They should have made that thing fucking.

[B]

Bigger in a slap shop.

[A]

I'm not doing one egg at a time. A little handful of nuts.

[B]

The. My aunt used. My aunt Karen used to call Danny Slap Chop because he's a jerk off. And she thought that guy was a jerk off. Daniel's like fucking 11 years old. Shut up. Slap Chop. You're a jerk off. Just like the Slap Chop guy.

[A]

I would know him as the sham. Wow.

[B]

Sure. You know what was cool? Those dudes got their start.

[A]

I know.

[B]

At the. At the convention. Yeah. That's fucking cool. I respect that. Coming up. Coming up the hard way.

[A]

Could have done it.

[B]

I was all right.

[A]

You just weren't personable enough.

[B]

I was great.

[A]

You weren't big enough. You weren't big enough. You don't have a good face. You untrustworthy face. Push your little fat ass.

[B]

Back then I was. I was jovial. I was jovial.

[A]

What did happen to your hair as far as the color? Why is it darker now? You were like bleach blonde when you were a kid. Yeah.

[B]

It happens.

[A]

Does it?

[B]

Uh huh.

[A]

What are you saying? What are you looking at?

[C]

What?

[A]

You're looking at something. Yeah, we're really going at it Q1, aren't we?

[B]

You got it out for me today.

[A]

That's not true.

[B]

Not, not true.

[A]

I don't. I just want you to be a good scene partner.

[B]

Was I not?

[A]

I can get to laughs.

[B]

Yeah. I'm dunking on your fucking.

[A]

We're not competing against each other. So we'll be working together. Make fun of Luke Squeaky.

[B]

All right, let's see here. This one is.

[A]

Hold on real quick. Great question. That's trashy.

[B]

Yes, very much so. I get it now. Then I remember when it moved to text and that was. We just.

[A]

That's dangerous.

[B]

It was that time in technology that my mom didn't trust. And we were just like, it doesn't. It just. That's not for us. We were never. My mom never understood the phone and TV enough. And the cell phone bills and plan. Now it all makes sense. Whatever. Whatever.

[A]

But then Simon Cowell's got your number. Yeah, he's probably using that information. That was all rigged anyway, right?

[B]

I don't think so.

[A]

Get the fuck out of here.

[B]

I mean. No, because they wanted.

[A]

Who they wanted to win. Stuttered would have won. He's kid got the chop.

[C]

Yes. That had won.

[A]

Oh, he did in season two. Huh? The other one.

[C]

Then Chris Daughtry got robbed.

[A]

Chris Daughtry.

[B]

He went on to be a big star. Right? And Ruby Ruben did real. More like.

[C]

They weren't the same season, but.

[B]

Oh, they weren't.

[C]

Daughtry is later. I think he was Jordan Sparks this season.

[A]

Do you remember this? Were you even alive?

[C]

Jordan Sparks.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

We were big in the Dempsey house.

[B]

Hot, right?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What are you talking about? This is like 2003.

[B]

We were watching.

[A]

We were.

[C]

We were texting. I remember. We had to wait a week because my dad was like, I have to figure this out first, make sure it's not a scam.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Well, you were 3 or 4 years old.

[C]

Jordan Sparks. What season was she? She was season six.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

2007.

[A]

So you were seven years old?

[C]

I was 10 years old.

[A]

Huh.

[B]

Prime time. Sitting with the family, watching it, of course. 10 years old. The hot little Jordan Sparks.

[A]

I don't know her.

[B]

I just remember being hot. That's all I remember.

[A]

I was doing other things at the time. Pursuing my own career. Entertainment. Camera's mine. Oh, super single. Trav hit me on the wide. Hit me. You.

[B]

No. Trav, hit him from the side. Far side. Bad angle. Bad angle.

[A]

Don't do that. Son of a.

[B]

Hit him with the.

[A]

I'm working on it.

[B]

Hit him with the gooch cam.

[A]

No.

[B]

Oh, yeah. I got one of them installed. It goes right to the ccp.

[A]

That'd be awesome if you had a little camera.

[B]

All right, let's see here. This one's from Cody. Long time. Ten dollar homie. Never had one Red.

[A]

Love it.

[B]

Is it garbage if my lineage of car ownership in the past 15 years has been one, a Mitsubishi Galant.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Two, a Dodge Caliber, which I'm not even sure really what that is. A Chrysler 300. Then a Nissan Altima. Man.

[A]

Man, this guy's out there.

[B]

I gotta get eyes on pimpin. Dodge caliber. That's gotta be that real little guy, right?

[A]

Yes, some of those.

[B]

Oh, no. Oh, man.

[A]

Let me see.

[B]

It stinks. It was like the 300 station wagon and they were always that. They were always this red color. Oh, yeah. They thought that was gonna be like a roadster.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That thing stunk, man. That's a tough lineage.

[A]

Yeah. Damn, dog.

[B]

Mitsubishi Galant. My boy had him. My boy Deli had a Galant and he loved it. It had a.

[A]

They're classy Mitsubishi.

[B]

His parents had it, and it was his hand, like, he got it, like, hand me down 10 years later or whatever. I remember how he was the first guy I knew. What a spoiler on his car because they had like, the sports package had a moonroof spoiler. CD player. Like, not a head unit. It came with the CD player and cranking heaters in that.

[A]

That's pretty sweet. I can't do a Ms. Mitsubishi, though.

[B]

Why? CCP?

[A]

No Pearl Harbor.

[B]

Ah, gotcha. What does that shirt mean?

[A]

Didn't attack the Arizona use. Mitsubishi Zero.

[B]

I seen you having sushi three days ago.

[A]

That shit's good. I just. Specifically that company made Japanese made zeros. All right.

[B]

At war with a country. And you had nothing to do with.

[A]

How'S around back then? I'm kidding.

[B]

Nissan Altima 100 dirt bag. It's not everybody. Not every. This is. I want to. I want to say this. Not everybody who drives an Ultima is a dirt bag. Every dirt bag drives an Ultima.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And put it that way.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

It's not if. And then. Then I just found out why. Oh, I just.

[A]

Shittier version of the Maxima.

[B]

I know, but why? I think they were renting. They didn't care. They were getting their money from the financing rather than the sale of the car or something like that.

[A]

I was a big finance.

[B]

Yeah. They would give it to any good credit, bad credit that was like that kind of thing. So all these people, all these dirt bags would get fucking Altimas. Think there are race cars. There's like that old video of like every ultimate driver is like.

[A]

Smelled like weed, dude. Always smell like weed.

[B]

I've been in so many blunt cruises in an Altima. My damn. My Danny's first Danny after Danny's bounce back. First car was an Altima and he crashed it in the driveway into my mom's car. He was so mad. I laughed at him. I thought he was gonna punch a hole through my head. It was Christmas Day. We were going to mass.

[A]

By accident.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't know if you think you did insurance. You're laid out on the driveway because.

[B]

The Ultima's kind of nice.

[A]

Try to sue your mother because she wouldn't let you vote for Ruben Studdard.

[B]

Those things are fixed anyway.

[A]

It is fixed.

[B]

No way.

[A]

That's record contract shit. You think Kelly Clarson wasn't winning? She had all them hits.

[B]

What hit? What are you talking about?

[A]

Kelly Clarkson doesn't have hits.

[B]

Yeah, but the idea is that that launched her career. They were nobody.

[A]

They wanted her to win because they had those songs written for. For Ready to Go.

[B]

Gotcha.

[A]

Trust me, I know the music industry.

[B]

Yeah, I forgot. Forgot who I was talking to.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

My apologies.

[A]

Luke, pull it up. He's working on it right now.

[B]

Pull what up?

[A]

Are you cutting this?

[B]

Are we running? All right, let's see. This is another good one. Hit me, Captain Cardboard. Three words for you. Pictures of fireworks. I've caught myself trying to take pictures of them. Oh, you mean if you're taking pictures of firework, it's the same thing as pictures of a concert. And I get that initial urge. You're experiencing something. You go I want to. How do I remember this? I have a device in my pocket to capture this. And then you do it and you go, what the fuck am I doing? But I get it.

[A]

Yeah, I get it. I thought you meant pictures of fireworks that hadn't been exploded yet. Like, taking a picture of, like, the setup, like, from a magazine.

[B]

That's cooler. Yeah, but pictures of. I got the video, got the. Got the grand finale. That's. I mean, can't be doing that. All right, this one's from back to the poor house in school when I was 12, I stole someone's Rice Krispies squares bar, and I got caught. My excuse was my grandfather died yesterday. I don't get it, but I fucking respect it. Dude, that's awesome. Out of grief. That's like, let's go. That's like pure panic. You just go, what? Well, get me out of this. My grandfather died.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And if he did, I respect for using the real excuse. I don't know. I'm so sad.

[A]

His grandpa. Grandpa.

[B]

It's okay. But that's like.

[A]

He worked at Rice Krispies.

[B]

It was his favorite dessert. That's also. That get you jammed up. Because if you lie about that and they call home because you got caught stealing or whatever, and they got sorry about your loss. What the hell you talking. He died. He died in pearl armor.

[A]

You jammed up Mitsubishi Zero.

[B]

I refuse to drive a Galan. Ultimas are okay, but.

[A]

But I will let my kids steal treats.

[B]

Yeah, that's tough. I've never really got caught in that kind of. I've never really had a. I got caught in that and had the lie. Really. I never had, like, any big lie or if that. It's true. I've never tried to get out using some unconnected excuse like that. I don't think I've ever really got caught in that kind of sense.

[A]

I spun lies.

[B]

Still do.

[A]

No, of course. But I know I'm part of the job. No, I'm a professional. But, like, even as a kid.

[B]

World's worst liar.

[A]

Even as a kid, I was a liar. But not like, just to keep my narrative. You know what I mean? Not like.

[B]

Yeah, I know. I know exactly what you mean. You do it today. You do it all day, every day.

[A]

Things that people don't need to know. Who ate all the hot dogs? I don't know, Ma. Probably the dog, if I had to guess.

[B]

Yeah, definitely. You lied and not be in trouble. I mean, like, because my dad would lose it. So it was like, don't. I think most Scratching yourself?

[A]

Yeah, I scratch myself with my glasses. Oh, that's good. That gets in there. I need a back scrubber.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

Person. Sure.

[B]

If anybody out there is.

[A]

I just scratch. I love getting my back scratched like a grizzly.

[B]

Okay. I think there's a healthy amount of lying that needs to be done within the siblings, to the parents. Not all information should travel up the organizational chart to mom and dad need to know basis.

[A]

You don't need to know.

[B]

Certain things kept between me and my brother. Oh, fight happens between us. We'll get over. They don't fucking don't. You know, never all that kind of stuff. I get that line to keep homeostasis of a parent losing it. I getting someone in trouble. Whatever. Whatever.

[A]

We never really rat it.

[B]

I don't think we did either. No.

[A]

Never rat it. Never even. Like when. We would never throw that in each other's face. It was always done through physical violence.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Which I usually got the shit be. I mean, he was fucking two years older than me. Stuffed my head in the couch. Fucking freak out. Start crying immediately. I thought I was gonna suffocate, but there's air down there. Fuck was I worried about?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

You said just panic.

[B]

Me seem to be over. You are a squirrely man. Yeah, we didn't. We always kept. Kept everything, you know, Tell my mom. My mom was a bit of a. Was the more of a pushover just because like, the threat of physical violence wasn't really there. You know what I mean?

[A]

She'd smack it. All right.

[B]

Him, Danny.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Not me so much.

[A]

It's also like, she don't get butter on her hands.

[B]

Why am I covered in butter?

[A]

Because you're a fat little bastard.

[B]

I get it. But what was I doing?

[A]

You were eating rolls with butter on it and you got all over your face.

[B]

Somebody DM me last week or two weeks ago. Whatever it was, it was a bag of Amoroso rolls and a jar of peanut butter. And they're like, kippy, because that's my. I was my go to. They're like, I'll still crush that. You go, kippy. This is diabolical. How did you do this?

[A]

I loved it. You need an ice cold glass of milk.

[B]

The gallon comes out to the coffee table with you.

[A]

Oh, for sure.

[B]

And you get peanut butter all over that thing. And then your mom yells at you because there's peanut butter all over the.

[A]

Wait a minute. All over what? The rim of the gallon?

[B]

No, the handle and stuff. Because I got it on my hand. That stuff's sticky. I don't know if you've had it recently.

[A]

I bet you were drinking out of there.

[B]

No.

[A]

Your peanut butter backwash.

[B]

No. Oh, no. And the. The glass looks like you dug it up out of the backyard because that's covered in peanut. But that's covered in peanut butter.

[A]

I remember.

[B]

I do. You put a couple of hers, thin, crispy pretzels in there, give a nice crunch to it. Oh, my God. Talk about Q1. I know. It's a new merch we're making is peanut butter.

[A]

Sandies sell them at shows.

[B]

That's my bid. The venues don't let you sell food and beverage.

[A]

I try sticks.

[B]

Jerk off. Let me wet my beak. Nobody wants your. Your potato skin. Some guys want a peanut butter sandwich on a long roll.

[A]

Everybody's mouth's all sticky.

[B]

No one's laughing.

[A]

Everyone's drinking milk. Getting sleepy. Here's my thing. First of all, gay guys, peanut butter milk might not be bad. What? What? Wait. Gay guys, peanut butter.

[B]

I was living in a scene.

[A]

Yeah. Peanut butter milk might not be bad.

[B]

Peanut buttermilk.

[A]

That's what I'm saying.

[B]

I'm Mexican.

[A]

No, that's what I'm saying. I know we can make it.

[B]

I know, but what would it be?

[A]

Peanut butter and milk. You. You put it in there and shake it up.

[B]

Why are you yelling at me?

[A]

Because you're not getting the idea.

[B]

You're just saying peanut butter. Is it, like, almond milk?

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay, well, you can see how I would go that way. Peanut butter being peanut is a nut.

[A]

Put, peanut put.

[B]

Is there not peanut milk?

[A]

I'm not using that shit. I don't know why I said that.

[B]

Why?

[A]

I'm talking about a sweet, like, coffee milk or, like, chocolate milk. Peanut butter milk. Is that a thing?

[C]

There's a lot of chocolate peanut butter milks, but no, straight up peanut butter milks.

[A]

Ooh, I'm gonna do that.

[B]

That's how you. That's gonna get you cancer or something. You can't do that. First of all, peanut butter won't dilute in a. In a glass of milk.

[A]

Take the shit. It'll get one of those things that you put the paint in a rock.

[B]

Tumbler, come back in three weeks, you guys. Do you want peanut butter milk in three to five weeks?

[A]

But what I was gonna say with the. With the.

[B]

The glass can hear my rock tumbler.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Smell of them chemies or whatever. You went in there.

[A]

The glass. I go out to a nice joint, you know?

[B]

What are you talking about? I'm Sorry.

[A]

How dirty? You get the glass from the peanut butter and Amoroso sandwiches with the milk.

[B]

And the pretzels in the middle. A couple P's in the M. Yeah, but it's peanut milk, a thing. You got almond milk?

[A]

There's not. You know why? Do you know why?

[B]

I mean? No.

[A]

Not either.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You're a smart guy, putting pretzels in your sandwich. Why is there no peanut butter milk?

[B]

You don't know?

[A]

Well, no, I don't know.

[B]

There is peanut milk. There's to be. They don't get the almond and pistache and then just stop at peanuts.

[A]

That would be pretty good. You put that on Reese's Pie.

[B]

Does it taste like peanuts? Cause does almond taste like almond milk?

[A]

It just tastes like cardboard.

[B]

Stinks. My wife's got all that kind of shit.

[A]

It's whack, man.

[B]

Dumb sir hippie.

[A]

Oat milk ain't bad. You throw that in a coffee, fuck it. It all tastes like. It tastes like a book. Tastes like a textbook.

[C]

Peanut milk's more in the world of oat milk or almond milk.

[B]

That's what I meant. It's just like. It's a milk substitute. It's not a peanut butter flavored milk.

[A]

I like Thai iced tea.

[B]

Let's get out of here with all that shit.

[A]

It's evaporating. Very good. Popular.

[B]

I don't get tea. I don't get all that stuff.

[A]

You don't like Thai iced tea?

[B]

I don't think I ever had it.

[A]

It's good. It's like a tea, but it's sweet and milky.

[B]

I got Snapple. What am I doing going to Thailand for tea?

[A]

I'm not going to Thailand. I bring. I got here.

[B]

No, that and a bubble tea. Don't trust it.

[A]

Love it. Love a brown sugar boba. I don't like the black bobas. It's like black licorice. Like I'm sucking up caviar.

[B]

That's for you.

[A]

I like the aesthetic of all those places. The Japanese, like, stores and all.

[C]

Yes, very much.

[A]

Feel. You feel like you're in a cartoon. You know what I mean? Where superheroes exist.

[C]

You're in like Pokemon or something.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Hey, hello Kitty. Check in, will you?

[A]

Where they at? What? Listen.

[B]

What?

[A]

Trying to tell you something.

[B]

You don't know. You didn't know what you were.

[A]

No, I did. Going back to what you were saying, the glass would be all dirty. I go to a place.

[B]

We'll be right back.

[A]

I go to a place and if I'm. If I'm Doing wine. And I'm eating, like, you know, I'm going in on, like, a meat and cheese board. I get that on the thing. And it's gross. Not enough for me. But other people, like, you can't have, like. Like a milk mustache on your wine glass. So I'll take my napkin and go around and clean it every once in.

[B]

A while, then take the scraps from that. Suck on it.

[A]

Which seems to turn people off. Yeah, I've caught people looking at me. Man is cleaning his glass, donated the bathroom.

[B]

Yeah, that's a little. You know, I get it, but I would say you're not and not. I'm not saying I do this. I would say I'll include myself in that. We're not eating properly. No, we're not like, taking.

[A]

You're not supposed to bite and sip.

[B]

No, of course. But you're also supposed to, like. There's not even supposed to be crumbs around your. You know, you shouldn't have fucking salami residue on your lips when you're taking sips of wine.

[A]

What's the point, though?

[B]

I don't know. I'm just saying.

[A]

What's the point?

[B]

I'm covered in peanut butter right now. I don't know.

[A]

I like when it's all mixed up in there, it turns into something else. Like they said in Rat that. Dewey, we've said it a million times on this program. That's what it's all about.

[B]

That's what it's all about.

[A]

What? Who's that?

[B]

Kelly Clarkson.

[A]

No, it's not. That's what it's all about. You put your left foot in. You put your right foot in that thing.

[B]

You put your salami in. You take a cracker out. You put your tongue in there.

[A]

What's that called? The Snoopy. Hold on.

[B]

The Hokey Pokey, huh? Man, there's a. There's a video of my Uncle Pat doing the Hokey Pokey at.

[A]

I thought that that sucked from jump.

[B]

At Sarah's, like, communion party. So it's like Sarah, Catherine, and Jenny all had their first Coley community at the same time. Was that like a roller skate or. It was that like a.

[A]

There must have been a thousand people.

[B]

Elk's lot. Oh, so many people. They had their graduation party. It's crazy. My Uncle Pat, I don't know. He's going to text me when he hears this. Or the boy's going to text him. I think he might have had a couple in him, but he's probably. If Sarah's 8, he's fucking 20, you know what I mean? He's like young guy and this is the 80s. So he's got like the white tank top on, tucked into the jeep.

[A]

A white tank top? That's what he wore to the christening or the communion.

[B]

Uh huh. This is summertime.

[A]

He wore a tank top in church?

[B]

No, not at church. This is at the party.

[A]

No, I know, but you go to the party right after the.

[B]

I don't think he went to the. Think he went to church, man.

[A]

You're skipping the church on a community?

[B]

I think most people did. The community was probably just for close. I mean there's probably 200 people at this, the VFW or wherever.

[A]

We were at Gotcha and they were.

[B]

Doing a Hokey Pokey and he's on like our this is why we don't have family video. I think this was the first one. And this came out and everybody said, yo, this is bad. Pray we're gonna get fucking jammed up.

[A]

Sure, we got a couple of tapes.

[B]

He's in the high socks with like the high like, you know, he looks like he's in white mannequin and he's. I think he's doing the Hokey Pokey. And like. Yeah, I was just like that was the last time any dude danced at any sort of family function. And he's. That's the last time any Sullivan hit the dance floor. Yeah, he was having a good time with the kids. But I think I razz for it if I remember. I remember that's. I have that memory.

[A]

I do a Rosie. What's that?

[B]

Rosie Posey.

[A]

No pocket full of. Wait, wait.

[B]

Red rover, Red rover.

[A]

I used to like steamroll.

[B]

Take out a. Take out a bunch of 8 year olds. Send Henry over here. Nominating yourself. Ah.

[A]

Ring around the rosie. What is all that?

[B]

Pocket full of posies that.

[A]

That evil clown seduce it down at the sewers with what? Yeah, it. That's got real deary vibes. I keep seeing clips of that shit. God, is that the same dude?

[C]

Well, you know that that song refers to like the black Death plague in London.

[A]

What?

[C]

Ring around the rosies Pocket full of posies Ashes, ashes, we all fall down. It's like, it's all like about kind of like the Victorian era and yeah, it's.

[B]

What's a Posey?

[C]

I believe it was something they would put like on the dead people like a flower.

[A]

What the fuck is that? Yeah, first of all, that song's from fucking the 1700s.

[C]

Something like that.

[A]

Yeah, that's never getting sung in my house again. I don't care who the kid is.

[B]

Oh, you and Patty were doing it. Okay.

[A]

That's scary.

[B]

I didn't like London Bridges either. No. Sounds like a national tragedy. Bridge fell down. I hope it wasn't rush hour. How many people perished and we're singing about this?

[A]

It didn't fall down. It's fine. I've seen it now. I never. I saw it on tv.

[B]

And the song at fall London Bridge is falling down. Not just once falling down.

[A]

That's gotta be something against the matriarchy or patriarchy.

[B]

See if you can get that. And also sing about the gwb. Is it America?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Thinking about these Red Coats.

[A]

I don't like that. Hello. Not doing nursery rhymes about the Twin Towers.

[B]

They might be. Huh? Certain parts of the Mideast. A couple guys on monkey bars. I'm sure got a few tunes or up.

[A]

Hey. Talking about the Greeks. Please.

[B]

How come every time my London. London Bridge. That turns me on?

[C]

I've seen that music video.

[B]

Maybe that's why I can't recall. But maybe that's why. Is it Fergie? Fergie at her peak, man. Fergie or peak?

[A]

You know there was a girl before Fergie.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It was all like.

[B]

Yeah. Seen a TikTok. Yeah. That La Reid got his hands on it.

[A]

Yeah. Play ball.

[B]

La Reid's gotta have all the money in the world.

[A]

Probably does.

[C]

Well, London Bridge is about the related repeated collapse and rebuilding of the London Bridge.

[B]

Jesus Christ. I was joking. But I was right.

[A]

I know. That Rosie Posey song freaks me out.

[B]

These Brits got a fucking. That's.

[A]

Give me a timestamp on that.

[C]

Yeah, let me. I think it's. I think popular culture might have like redone it.

[B]

More fit.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Made it about that. But let me find a little more freaky.

[A]

Fucking British kids fucking dancing around your body as you're laying there. Fucking all fucked up.

[C]

Mid 19th century song. So 1800s.

[A]

What the fuck is that? When the plague was.

[C]

No, I believe the play was 17 something.

[A]

God damn it. No. Old songs like that. I can't even listen to those songs. Like, you know, like from. Like. I can't.

[B]

Nothing. Nothing before the stick. Russian.

[A]

Newer. I love the name Sticks.

[B]

Such a funny name.

[A]

You got stick Sticks? That's from something.

[B]

I don't know what it is.

[A]

I got stick sticks.

[B]

It was Big Daddy. Sandler Loves the Stick. Sandman Hit me Up. Timothy Chalamet.

[A]

Call me none of that crap. Listen, I know it's historical, but the stuff from like the depression on that sounds like it was talking about the worst summer ever. It was recorded in a can. None of that stuff, okay?

[B]

Nothing with nothing. When people had soot on them. Yeah, that's a good rule.

[A]

When people wore like. They would wear like a wolf mask and stuff like that. Like creepy pictures.

[B]

What are you talking.

[A]

You know what I'm talking about. Any of that stuff.

[C]

The Ring around the Rosie describes the symptoms, such as the red ring rashes or red inflammation that occurred on the skin during this time.

[A]

Who the wrote that? How'd that get. How'd that get on the air? That's crazy. Yes, we'll sing Ring around the Rosie. It's like that thing from fucking Sinister would be singing at also. You ever see Sinister when they do that?

[B]

Well, they got all those fucking. No, they got the boners and stuff in the Disney movies. Where a worry no better.

[A]

That's all the 20s and 30s too.

[B]

Fucking freaks.

[A]

No, I'm talking about Sinister. It's the. The little Tim move. The Little Tim song. Tiny Tim.

[C]

Oh.

[A]

That'S playing in hell or wherever the.

[B]

That. I don't know what that is.

[A]

You've never seen Sinister?

[B]

No.

[A]

You would never sleep again As a.

[B]

Tiptoe through the window yes, from the windows to the walls Till the sweat drop down my ball oh, yeah.

[A]

That's what I'm talking about. Oh, I don't know where my dog's at. All that old scary.

[B]

Yeah, I don't do none of that. I'm sure my wife's gonna put some Krampus style. She's gonna be singing some medieval.

[A]

Yeah, you know some German fable about the wolves eating the kids. Get out of here with that, man.

[B]

They do something where they say, you.

[A]

Guys got all jammed up.

[B]

They stick their shoes out in the hallway. I go, no one's coming. We're not doing it. Why? Some Krampus comes and puts candies in.

[A]

There or something like that, that wolf thing.

[B]

Or steals your shoes. I don't know. I don't listen to this, bro. I said, well, feet, this is America that bring your shoes inside the house.

[A]

That's up.

[B]

And if somebody wants to come and steal your shoes, that might be a sex crime. Yeah, yeah. Foot dancing for their feet.

[A]

See how Krampus does with a 12 gauge?

[B]

Shoot the fair one in the hallway with me.

[A]

Who?

[B]

The buzzed you in.

[A]

Said you were the UPS man. You lying piece of. He came up here with your fangs out. Trying to have dinner in here.

[B]

That. Yeah. We gotta wrap it up though, gang.

[A]

What a fun one.

[B]

What a. What a goofy one.

[A]

Gang, we hope you had a happy holiday season. We love you very much and we'll see you next week.

[B]

Peace.