Having Asthma Attacks w/ Ian Fidance

Summary

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Are You Garbage? – "Having Asthma Attacks w/ Ian Fidance"

Hosts: H. Foley & Kevin Ryan
Guest: Ian Fidance
Release Date: November 10, 2025

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Overview

In this episode, Foley and Kippy (“KJ” Kevin Ryan) welcome back comedian Ian Fidance to submit him once again to the Are You Garbage? “test.” The trio dive into Ian’s life updates, childhood tales, and health mishaps—ranging from asthma attacks and pneumonia to his unconventional family setup. Packed with signature riffing, self-deprecation, and stories of growing up “garbage,” this is a raucous, revealing, and heartwarming installment that showcases the group’s chemistry and love of lowbrow laughs.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Ian’s "Bag Lady" Gifts (02:40–14:00)

• Ian arrives with a scruffy Stop & Shop bag full of gifts for the hosts, prompting a roast about his “bag lady” aesthetic.
• Gifts include: personalized t-shirts (some with cat hair!), a mirror (“take a look at yourself, but it says you have value”), a blanket for Kevin's son, and a fireside candle—complete with a joke that Ian used a promo code to save $6.
• Running gag: Ian’s gifts are from various discount sites and often include the promo code “Chappie15.”
• Quote:
  • Ian: "Why not use a discount if they offer it?" (10:52)
  • Kevin: "Dude, you smell like a stepdad. It’s crazy." (06:00)

2. Ian's New Projects & Plugs (03:28–04:52, 61:17–62:34)

• Ian announces a brand new travel show "Odd Guy Doing Odd Jobs," produced with Your Mom’s House (YMH)—though episodes aren’t out yet due to “media and assets.”
• Shameless shoutouts for his YouTube (YouTube.com/IanFidanceComedy) and merch, with assorted misadventures shared (bitten by a K9, etc).
• Tour plugs: DC, Minneapolis, San Diego, Denver, Portland, plus local events.
• Quote:
  • "I’m on the road every week. I’m loving it. Having a blast." (61:36)

3. "Garbage" Childhood & Family

• School Lunches, Asthma, and Nurses’ Offices:
  • Kevin and Ian both recall being “asthma kids”, taking their inhalers at school (22:24–24:03).
  • Kevin: "I had allergy and sports-induced asthma." (17:39)
  • Ian: "I got to give him gabapentin before they go—had to make that, put it in a thicker cheese." (07:15)
  • They riff on being supervised with the inhaler, cutting wrestling practice to visit the nurse, and vending machine shenanigans for snacks—a garbage-y rite of passage.
• Vending Machine Anecdotes:
  • Debate about which schools had vending machines and what treats were allowed (23:24–23:58).
• Family Struggles, Stepdad & “Arranged” Marriage:
  • Ian reveals his mom married a man for state health insurance so they could afford medication, describing it as more "friendship" than romance—he lived in their basement (35:10–39:34).
  • Quote:
    • “She married a guy that worked for the state to get state benefit health insurance... it was like a friendship marriage.” (35:16)
  • Ian’s reward for behaving around stepdad’s family: he’d get a beer and a cigarette by age 13 (34:58–35:06).
  • Stepdad stories—like taking Ian for a catch at the same park as his late dad—are played for both laughs and sincere reflection.
  • Quote:
    • “He took me to the park I used to go to with my dad to have a catch... bad move.” (55:00)

4. Health Mishaps: Asthma, Pneumonia & Medical Riffing (16:53–30:46)

• Ian reveals he smokes 2 packs a day, recently had bronchitis and pneumonia, had to quit smoking for three days—ending in text updates to Foley about his condition.
• Hosts and Ian compare inhalers, albuterol, and growing out of asthma.
• Medical “Garbage” Facts:
  • Both share embarrassing medical history: blood as “thick as molasses,” nervousness about vein draws, misadventures at doctor’s offices.
• Quote:
  • Foley: "You don't grow out of asthma." (46:22)
  • Kevin: "Yes you do! Google it." (46:23)
• Foley’s switch from Ozempic to a new drug (“Zepbound—like Ozempic but it’s a salad dressing”) is fodder for relentless mocking (15:17–15:31).

5. Pop Culture & Comedy Riffs

• Halloween Costumes:
  • Ian dressed as the Little Mermaid, while Jordan dressed as “Lord Triton”—costume shaming ensues (27:14–27:40).
• TV Nostalgia:
  • Recurring jokes about 80s/90s shows like "Coach," "Drew Carey Show," "Eek the Cat," and misremembered cartoon names (32:32–34:08).
• Movie Food Podcast Bit:
  • Foley pitches a podcast about food scenes in movies (28:33–28:46):
    • "The Chinese food they have in The Godfather was really good."
• Online Dating & Hinge:
  • Ian shares screenshots of his Hinge profile, which feature him in drag and with comedian Brad Williams, quipping about his luck with online dating (51:05–53:48).
• Quote:
  • “Famous people in your pictures? Me and Brad Williams, because I’m in a dress.” (52:50)

6. Self-Deprecating Physical Roast Battles

• Nonstop roasts about each others’ beards, eyes, teeth (“looks like an earthquake in a graveyard!”), and blood draws.
• Skin Tags & DIY Medical Advice:
  • Foley describes d.i.y. skin tag removal and Ian responds in horror (14:37–14:57).
• Dental riffs:
  • Foley on Ian’s teeth: “You got two that are ducking the draft back there, hiding behind the other ones.” (60:35)
  • Ian plugs his shows “so I can replace my bottom teeth.” (60:46)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (w/ Timestamps)

• On Gifting:
  • Ian: "I got you a candle for your house, a blanket for your son... and used the discount code Chappie15." (10:32)
• On “Garbage” Upbringing:
  • “If you behave around my stepdad’s family, my mom would give me a cigarette and a beer when I was in seventh grade.” (34:58)
• Medical Confusion:
  • Foley: "What is albuterol?"
    Kevin: "It’s a medicine, you idiot. If it was air, they’d call it air." (59:22)
• On Asthma:
  • Kevin: “I had sports-induced... Sports Center-induced [asthma].” (17:42)
• Stepdad’s Role Summed Up:
  • “He worked for the Ferris school in Wilmington, Delaware... the threat was if you don’t behave, we’re gonna send you to Ferris.” (36:29)
• Roast:
  • Foley: “You got two that are ducking the draft back there, hiding behind the other ones.” (60:35)
  • Ian: “Yeah, looks like an earthquake in a graveyard.” (60:31)

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Important Timestamps

| Segment | Timestamp (MM:SS) | |-------------------------------------------------|--------------------------| | Ian arrives with gifts & bag lady roasts | 02:40–14:00 | | Travel show & YouTube plugs | 03:28, 61:17–62:34 | | Asthma/school nurse/anecdotes | 22:24–24:03 | | Stepdad/health insurance marriage reveal | 35:10–39:34 | | Medical mishaps & blood draws | 43:41–46:12 | | Online dating & Hinge profiles | 51:05–53:48 | | Dental roasts & plugs for Ian’s shows | 60:10–61:17 | | Closing banter, holidays, “see you at the Met” | 63:13–65:15 |

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Flow & Tone

The episode is loose, playful, and irreverent, brimming with quick banter and affectionate ball-busting. Stories of disability, poverty, and family dysfunction are told with a winking self-awareness that keeps even the darkest tales light. The group never strays far from the garbage test theme: finding pride and humor in shortcomings, medical weirdness, and discount codes alike. Moments of real sentiment—like Ian describing his mother’s sacrifices—surface with honesty, only to be deflected seconds later by more self-mockery and inside jokes.

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Summary Takeaway

“Having Asthma Attacks w/ Ian Fidance” perfectly encapsulates Are You Garbage’s ethos: comedy from the trenches, relishing every weird, cheap, or painful memory as a badge of honor. Ian’s return brings hilarious stories of asthma struggles, family survival hacks, gift bag chaos, and the enduring camaraderie of three seasoned “trashmen” of comedy.

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For tickets and more, visit rugarbage.com.

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Transcript

[A]

Donna, it's Pam. Listen, did you get your tickets yet for the are you garbage show at the Met? Are you garbage with Kevin Ryan and H. Foley? The two I showed? Yeah, the bald and the fat one. Yeah, them two gator at the Met. I know, must be nice. All fancy at the Met. Made it big, you know, but make sure you go on there and get your tickets because I know they're probably going to sell out quick, you know, And I'm telling you right now, I hope aunt Totty's there because guess what? I. I'm going to be having a conversation with her. That bitch owes me $80 from that beef and vera paddy wax. Yeah, so I'll be having a conversation with her for sure. All right, so go online and get your ticket. All right, so long.

[B]

Welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Ru Girbage.

[C]

Hey.

[B]

Yeah, it's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians. Not today, but what are you gonna do? And we find that at the east.

[C]

Of bookings are tough.

[B]

I'm available if they grew up classy, if they're just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host, Dave Trolley. Coming at you on a glorious day. We're out back here at Tooties in the new edition. She was just paper in toilet paper in the neighbor's place. Okay, my co host is coming at you from right next to me. A little too close. Father of the year. He's little Kippy's old man. Yeah, and it ain't his kind of rock and roll. Give it up for kj Kevin James Ryan, everybody.

[C]

Still rock and roll to me, dog. Shout out to you, gang. Thanks for tuning in as always. Please make sure you rate view subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Also full video available over there on Spotify, baby. Then obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com Are you garbage? You go over to join the over 15,000 members of the goddamn Patreon army of garbage. Kids are kicking over there. Love that money. And then obviously the Spotify. No, I did Spotify tickets for the.

[B]

Dec. 13 show at the Met.

[C]

There you go. Tickets for the Met, December 13th available rugarbage.com Boys are coming home.

[B]

They're going quick. Grab them.

[C]

Just fucking be normal for once.

[B]

I'd like to redo the tootie Aunt Tooty just got back from the pet store. She bought an alligator. Gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest back with us again today. You know him, you love him. He is the co host of the Bee and Ian podcast with Jordan sometimes. Give it up for Ian Finance, everybody.

[D]

Hi everybody.

[C]

Thank you so much.

[D]

These days I'm going home having a ball. I'm so happy to be here.

[B]

You got your heaters, you got your snot rag, you got your comb, you have some notes written down.

[C]

Looks like you're about to open a table at a flea market.

[D]

Dude, I do have some.

[C]

Oh my God. You're a bag lady.

[B]

Ian brought us a shopping bag.

[D]

I brought a shopping bag of gifts.

[B]

A stop and shop bag that you definitely didn't pay for.

[D]

I.

[B]

No, it's not. Yeah, it is.

[D]

It's November.

[B]

November.

[D]

End of December is a seat. Well, November's a month.

[B]

Lexus commercial. What are you talking about?

[D]

November's gratitude month. And then December obviously is Christmas. So it's the same.

[B]

Quanza.

[D]

Yes, and other made up things. But I have a bag of gifts for you guys. I don't know when you want me to give them.

[B]

Just give them Now.

[D]

Plug my travel show produced by ymh. Announcement.

[B]

Ian has a brand new travel show being produced by ymh. Our good friends at your mom's house.

[D]

Ian do an odd guy doing odd jobs. You can see [e-mail] Ian Finance Comedy. So subscribe to my YouTube page. Partnering with YMH. It's a gas. It's a blast. The episodes are still not out. They are.

[C]

I'm waiting on a.

[D]

You are going to see the trailer.

[B]

When this comes out with an NC17 rating. A lot of gay sex.

[D]

There was an incident with the K9 place I went to where Pet smart.

[C]

I got drug out of a petsmart.

[D]

Bit me a little too hard.

[C]

Empty jar.

[B]

Empty jar of peanut butter.

[D]

What's on the ground to a K9 Aila. K9 services in Tequila.

[B]

Canine Services. That's the name.

[D]

Actually, I. I think I mentioned it on the show and they hit me up.

[C]

Are we in reruns already? The we're three minutes in. You're telling stories you told last. Actually told this story last time I was here.

[B]

Ian, you grew up in Delaware, right?

[D]

At the K9 services, I ran into my old imaginary dear friend Venacio. Shout out episode 36.

[C]

Probably episode 36. I don't know. What are you in season nine already? 36. Oh, no.

[D]

Episode.

[B]

That's what they do. That's what they do with bad game shows. They film like 100 episodes and it gets cancele.

[D]

Dude, I have so many episodes filmed.

[B]

Is that true?

[D]

So many episodes.

[B]

Like, what are you dropping?

[C]

This thing's never gonna see the light.

[D]

Once we get all the media and assets together with ymh and then the episodes will come out.

[C]

Stop trying to sound more business.

[D]

You don't know about media.

[B]

Quick stop at Kelly Clarkson. It'll be out.

[D]

Then doing the Jennifer Hudson shout out.

[C]

Al Roker for the plug.

[D]

I'm in a little hot water already about the Kwanzaa comment.

[B]

Would you like to do the Jennifer Hudson show?

[C]

Is that the one where they dance?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[D]

Would you do that worm?

[B]

It's Ian. He's a creep. It's Ian.

[C]

He's sheep. It's Ian. He's grinding on the gun. He's backing it up and dumping it on some dude.

[B]

It's Ian. HR It's Ian. Please don't do that.

[D]

Why is he choking himself with a microphone?

[C]

Hey, walk in the green room. You got your sack tucked back. What the hell?

[B]

You hand Jennifer Hudson. You hand Jennifer Hudson the remote to your butt plug.

[D]

Why is Goodbye horses playing over and over?

[B]

Yeah, goodbye horses.

[D]

Like, have you ever met Jennifer before? I'm like, she a great big fire person. You want your gifts?

[C]

Yeah, please. Dude, you smell like a stepdad. It's crazy. Between the heaters and the right guard or whatever you got going on.

[B]

Give us the gifts now. Let's take it out the trash in a minute. Sorry.

[D]

Jean Paul Gaultier is a cologne and natural pheromones. No deodorant.

[C]

Smell like scratchers. Oh, I.

[B]

You smell like a cab driver in Athens. That's what you want?

[C]

Wait, yeah, cab driver would have worked.

[B]

I don't know. I was in a cab one time in Athens.

[C]

Athens, Georgia. That's a bad part. I ain't doing it. I was at 5 in Atlanta.

[D]

I was at 5 points. I need a ride.

[B]

Listen, hold on a second. Back this up real quick. Jean Paul Gaultier, Le Male. Is that what you're using? The guy with the body and the stripes?

[C]

Wow.

[B]

You still going to shampoo? What are you doing doing over there?

[D]

I have been using that cologne since.

[C]

It'S your birthday Thursdays. Ian's about to give me a shirt with cat hair on it. I can see it already. Dude, that's crazy.

[D]

Oh, yeah, you're right. I had them out and used it to lay on, but it's a little souvenir for me.

[C]

I'm allergic to cat.

[B]

Isn't that cute when they lay in your luggage when you're packing you forget them in there one time I wish.

[D]

I would love to have a road cat. That would be the coolest.

[B]

A road cat?

[D]

Yeah, just bring them on the road. And he's a cat.

[C]

A rogue cat.

[B]

He wouldn't make it if you put him in your bag and it got put under the thing.

[D]

I wouldn't do that.

[C]

I don't check bags man.

[D]

I got to give him gabapentin before they go to the gabapentin.

[C]

I gotta do it to him. I've had to make that. I think you've told this story and I've made this. I've heard gabapentin before.

[D]

You got to put it in a thicker cheese.

[B]

Henry Gabapenton sounds like one of those new starlets out there in Hollywood. Gabapenton. She's very good.

[C]

Unlike you.

[D]

Yes.

[C]

Give us the T shirt the boys.

[B]

Are in and what you're going to give me a fucking two? Oh that's actually really nice.

[D]

The Morton salt girl Ian Finance tea. I brought one for everyone except the new guy whose name I don't remember. I didn't know he was going to.

[C]

Be Guess his name. What do you think his name is?

[B]

Mark.

[C]

What's up Mark?

[B]

Mark's pretty good.

[D]

Edmond store dot com. You can get these and get Edmond.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Jimmy Edgeman. That's where who does my merch.

[C]

You don't sell your merch on your website.

[D]

Detroit I do Finance dot com.

[C]

Detroit.

[D]

Yeah. That's where they make my merch.

[B]

USA all the way.

[D]

I like to support local in America.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

What size did you get me?

[D]

I got an XL for kj.

[C]

Huh what? I'm a medium. I got a large.

[D]

You want a large?

[C]

Who's the large?

[D]

Large.

[C]

You can never gonna wear this.

[B]

I'll wear it if it fits but I know it's gonna fit.

[D]

Henry.

[C]

Keep going. I was gonna bring a 3x but.

[D]

I didn't want to insult you.

[C]

Insult me?

[D]

Insult you two x. Well I got a gift that'll insult you in a minute. This for Luke.

[C]

Your website takes you to edgman.com let.

[B]

Me tell you something. This is a very nice quality shirt.

[D]

Comfort colors. It makes a great shirt. If you like a nightie you can get this might fit me triple side pop it on.

[B]

Should we Kevin?

[C]

Now I'm gonna have to wash this thoroughly.

[D]

This one does not have cat hair. This one does not have cat hair. The medium does.

[C]

Luke. Sorry. Hand up. That's my fault.

[B]

If you want cat hair, it's $5 extra.

[D]

Oh, and there's. There's a medium. I was going to get a small for your son to wrap him up in. He could grow into it.

[C]

He's. He's. He's very anti finance. And that's his choice. I have. I haven't indoctrinated him at all.

[D]

That's interesting because I bought him you and your wife a gift.

[B]

Okay, let's see it.

[D]

Now. This is for you, KJ and Fam.

[C]

Okay. Thank you.

[D]

Because I. I haven't given you a gift for your son yet.

[B]

Where'd you get rice seen this time of year?

[D]

I've been holding you a pack of cigarettes.

[C]

That's edgman.com, folks. For all your poison.

[B]

He's got fingernails. He bites them down.

[C]

Sweet.

[B]

He loves it.

[D]

There you go. Now, it did not arrive yet. So this is a printout that I.

[C]

Laminated silica gel, what I always wanted.

[D]

Pop it in your drink. It'll you up.

[B]

Keep your dry.

[D]

And so I printed out the order. I got a candle for your house.

[B]

Looks like a Quest Labs bag.

[D]

A blanket for your son with a personalized note that says, good luck Mark. Little prince of garbage.

[C]

Little prince of garbage. It's very cute. A sideline stripe. Maroon blanket.

[D]

Phillies colors.

[C]

Philly's colors. A fireside fur candle that you use the discount code typically you use.

[D]

That was not supposed to be on the slip.

[B]

How do you know he used a discount code?

[C]

Chappie 15. And he saved $6 on the. Can you piece of.

[B]

12.75 on the blanket.

[C]

Chappie 15. 1275 on. You say 15%. Yeah, right. Why.

[D]

Why not use a discount if they offer.

[C]

That's a pretty expensive. Campbell. 15%. You save six bucks.

[D]

Let me tell you this all together.

[C]

That's like a $30 candle or something like that.

[D]

Let me tell you something. This all together.

[B]

The invoice is coming.

[C]

This.

[D]

This all together.

[C]

Just got to the checkout. Monetarily just took the picture.

[D]

Monetarily.

[C]

This financially ruined me. What?

[D]

Fully weighed in grade school.

[B]

That was $700.

[C]

Thank you very much. That's very sweet. Yes, that is very sweet.

[B]

Give me mine. Give me, give me, give me. And better not be some dumbass candle either.

[D]

Henry, this is a.

[C]

Mirror to take.

[D]

A look at yourself. Dig deep. But it also says you have value.

[C]

Henry should be chopping up lines on that thing.

[B]

Yeah, that's all right. I could have Used this a couple of months ago. Look, I do my little bangers here.

[C]

Well, this one key bumps. And this one main lines.

[D]

He's filling that whole big side up.

[B]

Very nice.

[D]

Thank you.

[C]

You're welcome.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

Thank you very much.

[B]

Where'd you get that mirror?

[D]

Dollar store.

[B]

Ah, yes. Guess I'm not worth a promo code, huh?

[C]

He's yelling at the cashier. Chappie 15. Chappie 15.

[D]

Happy 15.

[C]

What website was that?

[D]

I googled. And then what'd you blanket.

[C]

How'd you find the Google promo code for that website?

[D]

Sometimes when you use sponsored Google Ads, they pop up a thing that's like promo code. Sign up for the email list. Promo code. You sign up and then you unsubscribe. Subscribe to get the promo code. You've never done that?

[C]

No, no. It's never worth it.

[D]

Back in the day. You never did that?

[B]

I never bought a fur candle, to be honest with you.

[D]

Yeah, I. I'm a huge candle guy. There's a candle guy outside of Philly. Uncle Ron's candle Shout out.

[B]

You like the wax getting dripped on you?

[C]

Black metal. Coffee.

[D]

It's tobacco and coffee smell amazing. They really fill up the room. It's incredible. I just got a incense burner. That's a guy in an electric chair. And when you burn the incense, the smoke comes out of his chest.

[C]

It's really cool. Sweet.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Hey, try Xanax.

[D]

It's like Ride the Lightning.

[C]

Where's that? Just on the kitchen table or living room table? Living room. It's also. I've been to the apartment. That's the kitchen table, too.

[D]

And the bedroom.

[B]

I can't believe you've been in that apartment for so long. That's crazy. That's your home.

[D]

That's my home. I've been there longer than I lived in Delaware.

[B]

They're going to drag you out of there someday.

[D]

Over my dead body. They still haven't fixed the AC since May 5th.

[C]

And trust me, Mondami's hearing about that one.

[D]

Oh, he ain't going to do. But you know who will? My guy Curtis.

[C]

Shout dude.

[D]

That guy King Curtis. You got my vote. You got multiple votes from me because I don't check IDs. And let me tell you also, hey.

[B]

I got cats can vote for him, though.

[D]

I got you guys something. I'll sell you these so people think you're a good person.

[B]

That's pretty good.

[D]

Two bucks.

[B]

Pretty good.

[D]

Two bucks. What do you say?

[B]

EF finance.com promo code. Chappie 50.

[C]

Stink dude, thank you very much.

[B]

That's crazy. That is very nice of you.

[C]

That's very. That is very nice. Very nice. I mean, I only. Only rich people have gotten me embroidered stuff. Really? Yeah. Foley hasn't gotten me anything.

[D]

I don't think you haven't gotten anything.

[C]

I haven't got, Buddy. From your mouth to God.

[D]

I can't imagine what it would be like, him offering to babysit.

[B]

I offered the babysit. First of all, the kid loves me right now. You don't know.

[C]

He don't know. No brain's not developed.

[B]

Everything else. This boy huge. I want to get close to this kiss. He's gonna be our free. It's gonna be our first.

[D]

You should do skin to skin contact.

[C]

Yeah, right. My kid doesn't need skin tags. I hear those are contagious.

[B]

No, my skin.

[D]

That's always gonna. Teeth.

[B]

My skin tags on my back have all disappeared.

[C]

Really? You just can't feel them anymore. Wow.

[B]

Yeah, they move around.

[C]

That's great.

[D]

People can change.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You hear that, folks?

[B]

They're all gone.

[D]

One in my armpit right here. And I wear sleeveless shirts on stage.

[B]

You can clip it. Get toenail clippers.

[D]

You are gross, dude.

[B]

That's what. What do you think they do at the doctor's office?

[D]

You freeze them off?

[B]

No. What was a bag of peas.

[D]

You're clipping your skin tags off.

[B]

That's what they do at the doctor. They take a tweezer, they pull it out and they snip it with scissors. It's the same thing with the.

[D]

What if we got a bleeder? What are you gonna do?

[B]

You put a little alcohol on it. I just had blood taken today. For what?

[C]

A subway, a train or sandwich joint? You'. You make the choice.

[D]

Five dollar footlong survival blood.

[C]

These are all bad.

[B]

I'm all Chipotle ranch.

[D]

What did you get blood taken for?

[B]

Endocrinologist. I had to go and get my zepbound, get the doses upped a little bit.

[D]

What's Zep bound?

[B]

It's like Ozempic, but it's a salad dressing.

[D]

So you're no longer on Ozempic, you're now going a different route?

[B]

Yes, yes.

[D]

Pringles. Once you pop.

[B]

My God, did you hear that?

[C]

It was crazy.

[B]

How thick is your beat?

[C]

About giving you the woogies. That's like wooshies. That's like hugging Tommy pope. It's like 80 grit.

[D]

I shaved.

[B]

Oh, and Tommy rubs his face on you. Oh, my God.

[D]

And his big Italian wet kisses.

[B]

I love Tommy Snuggles.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

We get when? Anytime we get drunk, it's like we're about five seconds away from kissing and fist fighting.

[D]

You're going to start a fire with those beards. Touching?

[B]

No, he's smooth as a baby. Yeah.

[D]

Yours looks like it's soft.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

He's not much of a man. Not a lot of testosterone.

[C]

I'm the only one with a goddamn jive. Procreated. All right, you two. Quit pulling your wieners and docking each other.

[B]

I need to talk to Maury on that one.

[D]

I don't think my stuff works.

[C]

Really? Yeah.

[D]

I don't think I can have a kid.

[B]

Stop putting in the. You know what I mean?

[D]

You're right. I gotta try a different route.

[C]

Guys can't get pregnant.

[D]

Can't make babies up here.

[B]

Amen, brother.

[D]

Man.

[C]

Well, I wish I had gifts for you. We didn't get you anything.

[B]

Yeah. Here. Do you want some glasses?

[D]

You want a fidget spinner?

[C]

Some zepbound fidget spinner?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

What are you working at Hot Topic?

[C]

Yeah. You're like the guy with a kiosk at the mall.

[D]

So I call an indoor cigarette. Helps me not get distracted.

[C]

How many Sigs do you think you're on at the moment?

[D]

Two packs a day. I did have bronchitis and pneumonia and I quit for three. I know.

[B]

He called me and told me he had pneumonia. He texted me, but don't tell anybody.

[C]

Pneumonia?

[B]

Why?

[D]

I don't even know.

[C]

You know what's trashier than pneumonia?

[B]

Pneumonia kills me.

[D]

You'll find out by my inhaler.

[C]

Pneumonia already?

[D]

If you were.

[C]

You got an inhaler? What do you want?

[D]

You take my breath away.

[B]

Just fun dip.

[C]

It's mini Whippets.

[B]

Is that an antibiotic?

[D]

No, it's just like air.

[C]

It's not air. Albuterol.

[D]

Albuterol.

[B]

Jean Paul Gaultier.

[D]

I was like.

[C]

I was on albuterol my whole entire life. You were on inhaler my whole life. What for? And sometimes I'd have to use that.

[B]

You're a fat piece of shit.

[C]

I had a problem with cheese.

[D]

Art was working overtime.

[C]

I had allergy and sports induced asthma.

[B]

Really?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And I had sports induced sports center induced.

[C]

Watching the X Games.

[D]

I used to hyperventilate watching the World Series of Poker.

[B]

American Gladiator would get me all sweaty.

[C]

Those guys I carumba.

[B]

I wish they would bring that back. American Gladiator.

[D]

Did you watch a documentary?

[C]

They did?

[B]

Yeah. It was all right.

[C]

They tried. No, but I would leave. I'd have to go to.

[D]

Dude, you Guys got enough money. Make an American Gladiator.

[C]

Course, first of all, he does not have enough money.

[B]

Worst summer ever.

[D]

Take a look in that mirror.

[C]

It just says, word summer. Biggest loser in the world.

[B]

By the way, you get me a mirror, I don't fit in.

[C]

All you see is my.

[B]

See my eyes.

[D]

They did have wider mirrors. I should have gotten it.

[C]

That's got a windshield to fit in.

[B]

One of those mirrors they have on tractor trailers.

[C]

Objects and mirrors are fatter than they appear.

[B]

Kid. But talking about Uncommon Goods, are you.

[C]

Talking about goods that aren't common?

[B]

No, I'm talking about Uncommon Goods. Oh, yeah. I'm talking about the same exact.

[C]

Yeah, we're talking about it.

[B]

I'll tell you what I'm talking about. Talking about the holidays coming up. And don't go out and get everybody the same boring crap that you got them last year. What you want to do is go over to Uncommon Goods and get them something they are going to love.

[C]

Yes, Uncommon. Uncommon Goods has something for everyone. From moms and dads, the kids and teens, from book lovers, the history buffs, Die Hard football fans, the foodies, mixologists and avid gardeners.

[B]

There you go.

[C]

We all know the big man's got a green thumb and a brown one. You'll find thousands of gift ideas for those you won't find anywhere else. I just did it. They were the good folks over at Uncommon Goods. Give us a little promo code. Try to kick the tires on this thing. I have my nephew's birthday coming up. I use Foley's code.

[B]

Come on, man.

[C]

Perfect gift. Out the door. How you doing? Center right. That I'm a enjoy from Uncle Kiparino.

[B]

Nobody wants the same stuff anymore.

[C]

No.

[B]

Go to Uncommon Goods to get something cool.

[C]

And listen little I'm a bad gift giver. Let them do it. They got it. They got all the information from everybody coming to buy gifts. They know, hey, this is what's hot. This is what's not. Let them do it. Let them figure it out. Because I stink at it. So don't wait. Cross those names off your list before the rush. To get 15% off your next gift, go to Uncommon Goods.com/AYG. That's UncommonGoods.com/AIG. For 15% off Uncommon Goods, we're all out of ordinary.

[B]

KB what do you know about Quince?

[C]

I know everything about Quince. I just got a big box of quints delivered at a new apartment.

[B]

Let me paint you a little picture. Cold mornings, holiday plans. This is when you want a wardrobe that's simple stuff that looks sharp, stuff that feels good and things that actually you're gonna wear. And what am I talking about? Talking about quints.

[C]

Woo.

[B]

Listen, I know what you're gonna say.

[C]

If I drop the words Mongolian cashmere sweaters to you. What do you think that runs?

[B]

I'm unbuckling my belt, I'll tell you that because that's hot stuff.

[C]

That's 50 bucks. I got a $50 Mongolian cashmere sweater that my wife just got two of them.

[B]

Boom.

[C]

Take that. How do you like them apples?

[B]

Mongolian cashmere.

[C]

Well, you're paying for the quality. Cashmere. Very nice, very comfortable. It's good on the skin. They got denim that nails the fit everyday comfort at a fraction of what you'll expect to pay. By partnering directly with ethical factories and top artisans, Quince cuts out the middleman to deliver premium quality at half the cost of other high end brands. So you can give luxury quality pieces without the luxury price tag. We just did all the bed sheets. All the bed sheets. The comforter, the bidet. Not the bidets, the duvet. You got the pillowcases. All Quince. Very clean, neat, perfect. Give the get, give and get. Timeless holiday staples this holiday season with quince. Go to quince.comgarbage for free shipping on your order. 365 day returns now available in Canada too. That's Q U I n c e.com garbage free shipping and $365 David 365 day returns quince.com garbage do it.

[B]

Yeah, but back to your asthma, your sports and drinking.

[C]

I'd have what? Yeah, I would.

[B]

I hear Saquon Barkley has asthma. Give me a pump up that.

[C]

You're breathing like a pug right now. What are you talking about?

[D]

Yeah, you're defying God's will.

[C]

You shouldn't. It's like when you dip a pug upside down, they go into a flow state.

[D]

They just.

[B]

I got the sinuses of a French.

[C]

Bulldog and the wrinkles and the skin tags is something on the clearance rack. Not a lot of tags.

[B]

That's pretty good.

[C]

Multiple markdowns.

[B]

I didn't know you had an inhaler.

[C]

And oh yeah, I'd have to go. I'd have to go every day to the nurse and take a puffer. Midday I would do it as I need my ain't got to take a break. I go.

[D]

You had to be supervised with the inhaler.

[C]

You could just, I mean, stick it up his ass.

[B]

Yeah, I'm sure you would take your time getting over there, Wouldn't you?

[C]

I'd swing by the cafeteria, see who's hanging.

[D]

My blood sugar's low.

[C]

Huh? I got a cookie. I'm taking a bite and a puff at the same time.

[B]

Would you stop at the vending machine?

[C]

We didn't have vending machine. This was elementary school.

[D]

We used to do that to get out of wrestling practice. You go in the nurse and be like, I have a headache. I have to lay down.

[C]

I'm having my period.

[D]

These little cots that you'd lay on.

[B]

She'd go to the nurse's office. You got a wrestling practice.

[D]

Uh huh. You'd say she'd massage you. Kind of weird.

[B]

Really?

[D]

A little bit.

[C]

Huh. She was great.

[B]

Did you not have vending machines in your. I had vending machines in our. In our elementary school.

[C]

In grade school. No. That's a fat ass. Elementary school.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Where are you getting the money to put in a vending machine?

[B]

Steal it from Patty a couple quarters. Yeah, yeah. Get a crimp it.

[C]

Yeah. No, not elementary school. We didn't. Junior high. We did, but I don't think you were allowed to use them. They were off until after school. Oh, fuck that then.

[D]

I remember when we got Snapple Apple in the vending machine in high school.

[C]

That was news. Was there?

[B]

Jim Gardner showed up something. Excuse me.

[C]

I was never a Snapple apple kind of. I was never an apple kind of guy. No, I was rigged. Straight up. Maybe a diet didn't like peach.

[D]

Love peach.

[C]

I had apple.

[D]

I don't. You don't. I don't peg you for an asthma guy.

[C]

Well then my dude. I mean, I was on.

[B]

He's gross. What do you mean he.

[D]

But he's not like a skinny freak.

[C]

What are you? Skinny freaks don't listen. I'm not going to sit here and be besmirched.

[D]

No, you're not like a guy like Luke. I'd be like, he's still asthmatic.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

You know, but you. You seem more diabetic.

[C]

Anemic maybe.

[B]

Luke's got scurvy.

[C]

Yeah. I'm looking at a real winning table over here. Yeah. What are you talking about? What?

[D]

I'm a good bill of health.

[C]

That looks like your last stop is.

[D]

On the Oregon Trail and you have.

[B]

Stuff all over the table like you're a joker.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, man. That was not a joker.

[D]

Foley is a joker. Want to know how I got this.

[C]

Lard.

[B]

She couldn't stand?

[C]

Want to know where I got these snacks? Just a little crimp it. I'd steal the quarters from my mother. Here's the plan.

[D]

We steal from Patty.

[B]

The principal comes in on a big pile. Sitting on a big pile of crimpets.

[D]

You weren't addressed like a nurse.

[B]

What? What'd you dress up for Halloween this year as?

[D]

Little Mermaid. Yeah, it was nice. Yeah, I liked it. I felt real comfortable.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Makeup? Nice.

[B]

Nice. Yeah.

[D]

How about you?

[B]

39 years old. So I didn't dress up as anything.

[D]

You're 39?

[B]

49.

[D]

Oh, okay.

[B]

I'm an adult.

[D]

Yeah. I thought you said 39.

[C]

About that.

[B]

I look 39 though, right? Luke.

[C]

Winning.

[B]

There you go. It's all the drugs keeps me young. It's funny. I was at the endocrinologist. Morning. That's why I got the.

[D]

Do you have to check the bags under your eyes when you fly?

[C]

I'm platinum. He's screaming. He's online. Up to 70 pounds per bag.

[B]

These are service bags, folks. Why do I have bags? I have bags now.

[C]

Yeah. Emotional support bags.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I'm certified depressed.

[B]

I've been really working on them.

[D]

Those are Louis Fat.

[B]

Huh?

[D]

Louis Fatwers.

[B]

I got them at Canal Street. They look expensive, though. Wait, really? You can see them? Bed.

[C]

You can see them? I thought it was your vibe. I thought that's what you were going for.

[D]

They're multiplying. It looks like you got.

[C]

I have a fucking kid.

[B]

You're looking at four.

[C]

You leave the house twice a week.

[D]

Foley looks like his eyes are wet.

[C]

You should be the most rested man.

[D]

In the world, Foley looks like his eyes got wet after midnight. Gremlins. Third time. I tried to get that out. Third time.

[B]

You know what always looks so good? You know?

[C]

Somebody fed that drink. Here we go. Yes.

[B]

This isn't happening.

[C]

Luke has a glass eye.

[B]

You have a glass eye.

[D]

Oh, the guy that sold Gizmo.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

Oh, my God, you stink.

[B]

Fidget spin. Two things. One, yes. Where'd you get the Little Mermaid costume?

[D]

That spot on my closet. Like 11th and 4th?

[C]

No.

[B]

11Th and 4th.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Next to the spirit store across the street from that big cathedral.

[C]

Masquerade.

[B]

There's a goth masquerade?

[D]

Yeah. Yep.

[B]

No.

[D]

Halloween Adventure. Halloween Adventure. I did tell them I'd shout them out. Halloween Adventure. Give me a discount. Thank you.

[C]

That's chewy.

[D]

15.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah. And second question, Jordan, was Lord Triton.

[B]

Oh, very nice.

[D]

Yes. It was like a aquatic theme.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

And then for a tal's game show, I was the co host as a Little Mermaid. Matt Richards was Chocolate Trump. Sean Patton was a flasher. It Was very fun.

[B]

Yeah. The chicken that he gives the gremlins looks really good. It's a deep cut.

[D]

But the chicken, 10 minutes ago.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Dude.

[D]

Is that the second thing he wanted to bring up to me? First thing, what were you for Halloween? Chicken.

[C]

Chicken.

[B]

That was the first thing I wanted to bring up. I didn't want to seem fat by saying it first. But that chicken.

[C]

Chicken from 42 years ago, that looked pretty good.

[B]

Who just has a plate of fried chicken sitting in their fridge like that?

[C]

That. Remember movies?

[D]

I really don't remember that.

[B]

That's what they got. That's what they ate.

[D]

You're like a Mr. Skin, but for food and movies.

[B]

That'S not bad.

[C]

Mr. Potato Skin.

[B]

That's not bad in Gremlins.

[C]

Minute 32. 32 minutes and 15 seconds and you see a plate of fridge.

[B]

I did have an idea to go over. I just don't know if there's enough of them to have a podcast where you go over food and movies.

[C]

Like the.

[B]

The Chinese food they have in the Godfather was really good.

[D]

And that's a podcast, folks.

[C]

That's brought to you by Bluechew Gang. Anybody else get hard while watching food and movies?

[D]

Promo code, by the way, bluechew.com. $5.

[C]

You're stealing all your undercutting our fucking erections.

[B]

I respect erections.

[C]

Erections.

[B]

Who does he have?

[C]

He just said blue.

[D]

Do you have bluechew? You have blue.

[C]

Yeah, but he said his promo code.

[D]

What's your promo code?

[C]

Garbage.

[D]

Now you said yours or bleeping yours for sure.

[C]

And a half a Foley jokes.

[B]

Short episode.

[D]

Oh, we gotta give his jokes Bluetooth to revitalize those. Too many words.

[B]

How'd you get diagnosed with pneumonia? And what is pneumonia exactly?

[C]

It's like fluid in your lungs.

[D]

I went to the doctor. I couldn't breathe. I was wheezing. I had a chest cough that, like, every time I. I would just sit there, be like, like. And it felt like a sledgehammer's hitting my chest. So I go to my walking clinic.

[B]

And they steady your nuts. They.

[C]

I didn't get it. Wait, nuts on your chest?

[B]

No, it's the sledgehammer. Because he likes when somebody hits his nuts with a sledgehammer.

[C]

Okay, all right.

[B]

He's a freak.

[D]

Take a puff. We I. I go in and the doctor gives me a chest X ray. And I had a bunch of, like, junk in there and some water kazoo.

[C]

And a Chinese finger trap.

[D]

And so he said I had bronchitis and pneumonia, and then he jammed me up with steroids. And it looked bigger. Thank you.

[C]

Such a trap. Anybody? And then he gave me a second.

[D]

Round because at the tail end you can get sick with the flu. So I'm. I'm flying high, man. I just did my last cycle. Steroids feeling good. I should, you know, inject them, do some lifting. I'd love to get big.

[C]

It's pretty. You're pretty jacked.

[B]

A pretty jacked kid. All right, thanks. Minus the pneumonia.

[D]

I was going to the gym all the time I was boxing. I injured my back again. I had to be on the cane for a minute. I had to stop. I got pneumonia every time.

[C]

You're like 83 years old. He's got pneumonia and he's back on. Dude.

[D]

I'm gonna be the grandfather from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Just living in a bed. It sucks. I keep getting injured. I think it's because all the trash.

[C]

We get you out of bed to take you to Skank Fest. Okay. Okay. Kibby, you stink, dude.

[B]

His grandparents were a real bum.

[D]

Try to some fat girl covered in blue.

[C]

He's just phobia stuck in a tube. He's got his AIM car in the vending machine.

[B]

I got into the Sour Patch Kids river.

[D]

Oh, my God. Little help here.

[B]

I don't like this. We're not doing this again.

[C]

No, we're not.

[B]

Luke, go to commercial. And we're back.

[C]

We all just take a breath.

[D]

Who I am starting to sweat.

[B]

Well, he's just an excitable boy.

[C]

He is. You're a giddy. You're a giddy, giddy little man.

[B]

That's on his website. Whoa. That's freaky.

[C]

It moves.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Justin Gilman. Shout Out.

[C]

Stop with the shout out.

[D]

Sorry.

[C]

Sorry.

[D]

I like. I like when people support me and I support them. Yeah. That's a quote from Warren Ziva, my favorite artist of all time.

[B]

I noticed you didn't reference him there.

[C]

Well, he invited.

[D]

It's a little Easter egg.

[B]

Being finance from the Eagles used to.

[D]

Say enjoy every sandwich.

[C]

From the what?

[B]

I said, Ian Finance from the Eagles.

[C]

Okay. You didn't like that one?

[D]

Your brain is Don Fried.

[B]

That's not bad.

[D]

Thank you.

[B]

Smugglers Blues.

[D]

Oh, wow.

[B]

Yeah. Glenn Fry.

[D]

Glenn Fry.

[B]

Yeah. Good looking dude. Back then I loved him. He's my favorite looking.

[D]

Except for Joe Walsh.

[B]

Yeah, but he got. He did his thing.

[D]

He's so good.

[B]

Yeah. He's dead, right?

[D]

Is he dead?

[C]

Yeah, Just died recently. No.

[B]

Sucks.

[C]

His best work was in the Drew Carey show. Everyone knows that.

[D]

He was in the Drew Carey Show.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

No way. It was Joe Walsh from the Eagles.

[B]

You think it's strange that Kevin the quarterback had asthma? Some of his television shows as a kid are very odd.

[D]

You strike me as a fan of Coach.

[C]

My dad watched Coach. I didn't hate Coach. I liked Coach. I remember that one where Dobiter, Dabber.

[B]

Dabber.

[C]

Dabber got a car, bought a Porsche that he couldn't afford because the salesperson was hot. Well, he could afford the payments, but he couldn't afford to put gas in it, so they caught him taking the bus. That one I remember.

[D]

Something must have happened when you watch that episode.

[C]

Yeah, my dad. My dad. My dad walked down, I said, pop, where you going? Dahber just got the fresh set of Wheel.

[B]

All right, just keep watching the tv. I'll be right back.

[D]

You can tell me more about Dabber when I get back.

[C]

The scrambled eggs are still in the pan.

[B]

Baby throwing his clothes in his shopping bag. I just got to go live my life. I'll be back in a couple of days.

[D]

I'm gonna go find Dabber. You want to meet him, pal?

[C]

I gotta go start another family. You guys stink.

[B]

That was Jerry Van Dyke on the phone. I gotta go. What? Now we're doing this?

[C]

No, no, no, no Jerry Van Dyke.

[D]

We're not. We're here to support.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

What else? What other odd TV shows do I have?

[B]

Drew Carey Show.

[C]

That's not. That was. You get to get the ratings on the Drew Carey Show.

[D]

Guys ever watch Fantastic Max? The cartoon about the little boy whose toys would come alive and they would go to, like, the. The moon every day?

[C]

He would. What are the numbers on the Drew Carey Show? Remember?

[D]

Eek the cat.

[B]

Eat the cat.

[C]

Eek the cat.

[D]

I don't know what's made up Eureka's castle.

[C]

I remember Eureka's Castle.

[D]

That was.

[C]

I was. All right. I was.

[B]

You were.

[C]

You were a little. How old are you? 40. You're a little old for that kind of humor.

[B]

Same age I was.

[C]

I was old for it, too. 39. I was too busy on my nebulizer. They used to have to hook me up to a scuba tank.

[B]

Really?

[C]

Yeah. It was very bad. You guys are making fun of me. It was very big.

[B]

Where did you get asthma from?

[C]

What do you mean? You're born with it. Maybe it's maybelline. I don't know.

[D]

I was allergic to.

[B]

Mr. Ryan, this is the first case of asthma I've seen induced by dinner rolls.

[C]

I was. In all my years of medicine, Tyson Chicken. Asthma, huh?

[D]

I was allergic to smoke as a kid.

[B]

You fixed that, didn't you?

[D]

Mm, yeah.

[B]

Showed them.

[C]

But my mom overcome anything. My mom would catch me with cigarettes and break them in half and leave them.

[B]

Eat them?

[C]

I wish. Starving. If I behave and leave. Smoking kills people with asthma.

[D]

If I behaved around my stepdad's family, my mom would give me a cigarette and a beer when I was in like seventh grade.

[C]

What do you mean if you behave? If you did well around your step. I didn't know you had a stepdad.

[B]

Yeah, neither did I.

[C]

Short lived.

[D]

Yeah. They got married. My mom needed our. We had a lot.

[C]

We wanted a car. We.

[D]

We had a lot of problems and we couldn't afford our medications. And so she married a guy that worked for the state to get state benefit health insurance.

[B]

Whoa. Was it an arranged marriage?

[D]

It was like a friendship marriage. And then he tried to live, but he stayed in the basement. His name was Gardeep.

[C]

Really?

[B]

No, wait a minute, hold on. So they would.

[C]

They didn't.

[B]

They weren't romantically connected.

[D]

They were for a period, but it didn't work out. I think they gave it a shot, but it was more like, I'm gonna do you a solid. It was like, you know when someone marries someone for a green card and you're like pals and you try to make it work and then it doesn't.

[C]

I have no idea what you're talking about. Then you have a kid and try to try to do it and then you start watching Kobe coach and.

[B]

Keep it going for the long con.

[C]

I gotta. We gotta really sell this.

[B]

Hold on a second. Did he live in the house with.

[D]

You in the basement?

[C]

So things might not have been going great for this guy either.

[D]

He was a good guy. I'm not saying he doesn't recognize that now.

[B]

And it was all just so you could get up.

[D]

Jim, you're a good guy. Sorry, I was shitty.

[B]

What's his promo code? Freak kid.

[D]

Steak freak kid.

[C]

15.

[D]

He worked for the Ferris school in Wilmington, Delaware, which is the kids juvenile detention center.

[C]

And that was my safety.

[D]

Well, dude, the threat was like, if you don't behave, we're gonna send you to Ferris. Like blah, blah, blah.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

And then he had very much like a.

[C]

And in order to ensure you behaved, they gave you cigarettes and beer at 13 years old.

[B]

Wait, is this before or after? After. It would be your reward.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Wind down with a Molson ice. Cool cigarette.

[B]

That's a hell of a christening. Wasn't it like a.

[C]

Like a 55 year old black, cool wides in 97, out on the stoop, she.

[B]

Oh, yeah, man, you're in laws.

[C]

I can't keep up with. You're dabbing your head. God damn it.

[D]

I ate all my Mac and cheese.

[C]

Be talking, yapping.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Yelling at me cuz I took a plate.

[D]

Can a.

[C]

Take a plate?

[B]

Wait, why would they.

[C]

What? Ian.

[D]

Because I was such a misbehaved kid.

[B]

Okay, so. But if you're good, we'll give you.

[D]

A beer and a cigarette. What happened?

[C]

Just got stuck in the headphones. And you were awesome.

[B]

You were also on medication?

[D]

On and off.

[B]

And that was. That's why she married the guy. So you could be on medication.

[D]

And she needed meds too, and she had a lot of.

[B]

She. I don't.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, you don't have to get into her, you know, she go.

[D]

She had to go to the hospital a lot. Gail. Gail. When. When, when. When you're 40 and your kid is a nut at 8, your husband tragically dies, you're gonna have some adverse effects. So she had to do a lot of. She had to go up to Philly every week and get like, checked down.

[B]

Probably biting her all this time.

[D]

Are you gonna leave me too? Honk.

[C]

Watch this episode of Coach. I'll be back on Monday.

[B]

Gurdeep's gonna watch it.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

So he'd be down in the basement.

[D]

Well, that. That wasn't until high school. He lived separately for a while, and then they got married when I was a sophomore in high school.

[B]

Did you go to the wedding?

[D]

No, they got married and didn't tell me. They got married at the courthouse and they didn't tell me so that I'd know.

[C]

Like, they didn't want to think. They didn't want to make it weirder than you already were.

[D]

Yeah, because I'm in. I'm in the backpack. Like, don't do it.

[C]

Wait.

[B]

The graduate.

[C]

She's crazy. You don't want him to marry her.

[D]

I'm crazy.

[C]

Crazy.

[D]

But yeah, no, she did it for us.

[C]

And that's great.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah, it was. It was. It was a very sweet thing. Gail's a. She's the best.

[B]

Did you have a finished basement? Yeah. Huh. Yeah. So he would sleep down there.

[D]

Well, it's funny. He would sleep down there and then when I. When I had to move back home, I would basement with him head to toe.

[C]

No, he wasn't there. No.

[D]

And then he slept on the couch upstairs.

[C]

Where's he at now?

[B]

Colorado Detention Center.

[C]

Ferris School for Abused Kids. Yeah.

[D]

No, but he was Real good to my. My grandparents and my family and everything. And I just, you know, you have.

[B]

Like keeping them all in pills.

[D]

A step. A stepdad when you're a kid and you know, you're an. So I was just like a wild child, you know?

[B]

Sure. What kind of stuff would you do to him?

[C]

I put Smarties in his court.

[D]

The first time I got really drunk.

[C]

I tried to cut his brake line. You know, simple stuff.

[D]

Now the first. The first time I got really drunk, I tried to tackle him and like fight him when I was in like, I think seventh.

[C]

Or fight me like a man.

[D]

I just remember I.

[B]

You're having sex with my mom and you should be.

[C]

I don't even think you're really Indian, man.

[D]

He was Irish.

[B]

I was in the closet that whole time and you guys were just kissing.

[D]

Metaphorically.

[B]

You're mad because he's not bagging.

[C]

You guys just put on. I got nothing.

[B]

You stink, man.

[D]

No, but they were.

[C]

First of all, I've been carrying this ass used up. They would go every day. He comes in, he's tired.

[D]

They would go to.

[C]

You do too.

[B]

I got bags under my eyes.

[C]

You don't do. I'm sorry.

[D]

Can you put some jokes in those bags?

[B]

Zippers are fake.

[C]

I'm sorry. Me and the guy I married for healthcare are arguing.

[D]

They took your blood and your timing.

[C]

What the.

[B]

That's right. Give me a donut or something. Little orange juice. K. Let's talk about Chime.

[C]

Shout out to Chime. Chime.

[B]

Chime understands that every dollar counts. That's why when you set up direct deposit through Chime, you get access to fee free features like free overdraft coverage, getting paid up to two days early with direct deposit and more.

[C]

Chime is banking done right. Open a checking account with no monthly fees, no maintenance fees. Get paid up to two days early. Like the big man said, when you set up direct deposit with qualifying direct deposit, you're eligible for free overdraft. Up to $200 on debit card purchases and cash withdrawals. And let me be honest, I've been jammed up once or twice in my life. That helps you big time. My younger self would have benefited a lot from Chime. I wish Chime was banging back when I needed it. You open a checking account with no monthly fees, no maintenance fees, not to mention access to over 47,000 free fee free ATMs, more than the top three national banks combined. Work on your financial goals through Chime today. Open an account in 2 minutes at chime.comgarbage that's chime.comgarbage Chime feels like progress. One more time. Open an account 2 minutes. Chime.comgarbage do it. Chime is a financial technology company, not a bank. Thinking services and debit card provided by the Bancorp Bank NA or Stride Bank NA members FDIC Spotney eligibility requirements and overdraft limits apply. Timing depends on submission of payment file. Fees apply at out of network ATMs. Bank ranking and number of ATMs. According to US News and World Report. 2023 chime checking account required.

[B]

Kevin's talking about Shopify.

[C]

Shout out to Shopify.

[B]

Shopify we love. Listen, let me tell you something, all right? We're shooting you straight.

[C]

We love Shopify. We're Shopify family. We use Shopify. Huh?

[B]

And you know what else you should be using? Shopify.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

100 easy. It's the. Shopify is the leader in the industry.

[C]

I would assume, huh? Synergy.

[B]

The best in the biz.

[C]

Yes, Shopify. Listen, we got a lot of guys out there, a lot of guys and girls out there that are side hustling, running businesses that we got. I mean people have sent us products. They're fabricated, they're woodworkers, all this stuff. If you're selling your stuff, you can use Shopify. It is so friggin easy. If you ever bought merch off AYG Ryan Diesel uses, you've used Shopify. Shopify's point of sale system is a unified command center for all your retail business. It brings together in store and online operations across a hundred or I'm sorry, across 1,000 locations. You can guarantee shopping is always convenient. You got the endless aisle, ship the customer, buy online, pick up in store. All made simpler so customers can shop how they want and get your products, baby. Get all the big stuff for your small business right with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com garbage go to shopify.com garbage one more time. Shopify.com garbage debt.

[B]

First time in a long time they were able to go in my vein up here.

[C]

Usually shoot them in the back. Wait till he gets woozy.

[D]

A long time. I didn't get tranked.

[C]

They're following you through midtown with a net.

[B]

I usually make it about halfway to the elevator.

[D]

Actually. We're gonna have to get you on this on the machine at the Bronx Zoo.

[C]

That's mean I was searching.

[B]

They say you're a surgeon.

[D]

Can you hit. Do they hit veins? Because they have a hard time finding my veins. One time the Blood was coming out like molasses.

[C]

Not good.

[B]

Yikes.

[D]

I know. I'm gonna work on my blood flow. I gotta marry.

[C]

Oh, the cigarettes will help.

[D]

I gotta marry a guy that works for the state.

[B]

How do you know a molasses looks like. Did you ever have molasses?

[D]

You've never heard that? Slower than molasses.

[C]

Yeah, he hears it every day when.

[B]

I'm pouring my molasses.

[D]

Slower than his ass is.

[C]

What? That's not.

[D]

I am right.

[B]

Slower than my ass is.

[C]

Cuz you're fat and you walk slow.

[B]

I'm sorry.

[C]

I think every punchline's been explained so far.

[D]

I'm getting you guys, but not to the point where you're laughing. You're just going, that's good.

[C]

All right. The math on that checks out. That's classic.

[B]

Stop spinning that thing. It's an audio podcast.

[D]

Here, you spin it and you will feel good.

[B]

Let me see. Yeah, that's pretty cool. All right.

[C]

How did you not think that was gonna happen?

[D]

I was excited to share.

[B]

Yes. No. Yes.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Normally they can't go to my arm.

[C]

Why?

[D]

Why?

[B]

Because they can't find the vein.

[C]

Oh, that's through all the muscle. That's what it is.

[D]

So you got to shoot in your hand like you're living in Kensington.

[B]

They usually go right here.

[C]

Get your feet. Toes, spread them.

[D]

I know right where it is.

[C]

They're still trying to burn. Yeah, I used to play football.

[B]

Wait, I don't gotta suck your dick before you shoot me up.

[D]

That's why y' all bent over. I'm tired.

[C]

Leave me alone.

[B]

No, but now. Now they can.

[C]

That's great, man.

[B]

That's great. Yeah.

[D]

That's fantastic.

[B]

She was really good, too. Go right in there.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

I hate when they miss. Like, I can't find it and they're just.

[B]

Pop your vein.

[D]

Oh, God.

[B]

Get a blood clot that way.

[D]

Covered in tattoos, totally fine. But taking blood, I get scared.

[C]

I don't get. I don't have that. I don't get woozy. I don't get lightheaded.

[D]

I don't. I'm just like, oh, I'm nervous because I'm afraid. I like them missing the vein or popping it open. You get that huge bruise, you know.

[B]

I like the ceiling. I like it. I like.

[C]

Yeah, it's so non eventful. Like there's no positive or negative.

[D]

You gotta puff the inhaler. You're nervous.

[C]

Listen, what did you.

[B]

Who. You don't grow out of asthma.

[C]

Yes, you do. Google it. I had a Very bad bit on it. When I first started stand up comedy, what was it?

[B]

Please, let's all do.

[D]

Let's all do bad first bits.

[C]

Okay. What are you doing now?

[B]

Hit me.

[C]

No, it was something like. Yeah, grow cancer or something. I don't even know what it was.

[B]

That's pretty good.

[C]

Yeah, you can outgrow. You don't completely outgrow it, Google's saying, but you reduce the symptoms. Well, I'll still get it from time to time.

[B]

Really?

[C]

Like, yeah, you start wheezing your fucking throat. It's like your throat closes up. No, the last time it happened. I'm allergic. I've. I might have. I'm allergic to the proteins in. I don't believe either Google that.

[B]

No, he says he's allergic to strawberries. Yeah, it's such bullshit.

[C]

Why is.

[B]

He can't have like a lot mean. He's sucking down french fries like they're.

[C]

Going out of sty.

[D]

What about potato skin?

[B]

No problem there.

[C]

I already made a potato skin joke. Listen, there's only room in this town for one of us.

[B]

It was.

[D]

It was a callback.

[B]

Yeah, an homage. Yeah, like a stolen. Like a stolen quote from Don Henley.

[C]

You look at the website now, it says he and finance potato skins.

[B]

This guy's good. Shout out to Edge.

[C]

Shout out to the web baster. Gilman. Gilman.

[B]

Shout out to Gilman.

[C]

He doesn't have a computer. Gilman does it all at the public library.

[D]

Does it on the board from Goodwill hunting.

[B]

Hey, man, I can't get in the Internet cafe until Wednesday. I got into a fight with the guy.

[D]

Well, maybe you shouldn't take a one way ticket to Thailand, Ian.

[B]

Ever been to an Internet cafe?

[C]

Once.

[D]

In Malta when you were playing Malta.

[C]

When you were planning 9, 11 in Malta.

[B]

Got out of flight school.

[D]

Just got down in Florida, dude.

[C]

I went to one in Queens. I needed to print something for us. Like something for like comedy production.

[B]

Back in the day, this is.

[C]

Yeah, not that far back in the day.

[B]

Now we go over to the business center, one of the hotels.

[C]

Sure. But I needed to print some sort of contrast, you know, some contract something. I needed something for comedy and I went Googled Internet set list maybe?

[D]

No.

[B]

How to do comedy step by step.

[C]

It was Judy Carter's comedy bible. We're gonna be here a while. 10 cents a page.

[B]

What they bang out over there.

[C]

But dude, there was gonna print a script.

[B]

It's like 200.

[C]

The bodega had only making 150 on the shoot. The bodega had a handful of computers in the back. I'm talking, like, queens and the guys on that. I wanted to be like, dude, I gotta call Homeland Security. This is a dicey. Dude. You're sitting next to, like, the. You know, the produce.

[B]

You guys better be playing solitaire, dude.

[C]

I was like. I was looking around. I'm like, guy, this ain't. This is not on the up and up, dude. Say something. Say something.

[D]

I had to print a script. I did a table read for this movie that went.

[C]

Quit bragging.

[D]

And I had to print a script for this movie called Goblins. And it was a fully biopic. We.

[B]

I'm about my skin.

[D]

I'm at the Staples. I get the printer. And the guy behind the counter is so completely inept at his job, and the line is getting longer. There's an old woman.

[C]

He's like, staple. There's a Staples in New York that cut. The guy does not give a. And you have everybody in there printing, like, hot. Some, like, important stuff, passport stuff, Visa stuff, and then just do not.

[D]

We're in line, all making friends about how terrible he is at his job. I finally get.

[B]

That is a very you thing.

[D]

He does not. He does not punch the holes. He just goes, the machines over there. I can't line it up. That machine's broken. I'm trying to do it. And I go, jesus Christ.

[B]

Hey, man, this is Goblins. I go, okay, this is Goblins.

[C]

I got a table reading a Starbucks in 25 minutes.

[D]

I go. I go, jesus Christ, I'm gonna fucking kill myself. Kills in the line. Turns out a week later, this guy goes on Twitter and tells that story and, like, tags me and to try to dunk on me. And then all these people, quote, tweet. That actually sounds hilarious.

[C]

How did it. Wait. How did he know you were Ian Finance of gob?

[D]

I am popular.

[C]

Yeah, but how did.

[B]

Also gave him my website.

[D]

I also gave him my card.

[C]

I didn't get it. You stuck your tongue out too far.

[B]

I think we broke in. What do you have written down over there, by the way, on your phone?

[D]

My dates.

[B]

Oh. Ain't really ready for the plugs, huh?

[D]

I was on Hinge earlier. I'm on it.

[B]

More like on edge on Hinge. Are you on Hinge?

[D]

I was when I got off.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

I can't do it anymore.

[B]

Can't do what anymore?

[D]

Dating. Online dating. It's just too much. I'm never.

[C]

I like to threaten to kill myself. That's how I beat people.

[D]

Like to find them that way.

[B]

Catch more flies with Honey, are you also mentally ill? You were unhinged.

[D]

I.

[B]

A while ago.

[D]

I'm no longer on it.

[C]

I got a question for. You're no longer on it. That's fine. What other. You know, you're. You're.

[D]

Ian, what gay apps am I on?

[C]

No, just asking. No, we. No.

[B]

H. Foley dot com.

[D]

Yummy yum, yums dot com.

[B]

Is that one?

[C]

No, you wouldn't know. I get up. I like to dance. You don't know the Lollipop Club?

[B]

You know Rudy.

[C]

You know Ian. You know Ian from Staples. I mean, I didn't write that.

[B]

Don Henley did.

[C]

Joe Walsh.

[B]

That's from Wolf of Wall Street. We always quote that.

[C]

Oh, really?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

I don't remember that.

[B]

When the.

[C]

When the.

[B]

When the gay butler. When they catch the gay butler with all the guys in the house and then they show up.

[C]

Wolf of Wall street on a plane.

[B]

Why were you on a plane? Con Air, taking my cat.

[C]

He's in the cage.

[B]

Turn the channel.

[C]

They call him Lucky Roses 14.

[D]

Why are you throwing me out of the hatch? I haven't died yet.

[C]

Dave Chappelle. Get your hands off me.

[D]

Put the money down.

[C]

What? So in your. In your hinge pictures, you're no longer on there. I know, Ian. I think we know, Ian. We've known for a very long time. What famous people do you have in your pictures? Because you for sure have somebody.

[D]

Me and Brad Williams, because I'm in a dress.

[B]

Hugh, Shane and Miles Teller.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, guys. I was on SNL hanging out with my good friend Lorne Michaels the other day.

[D]

Here, these are my. This is my profile.

[B]

Just his asshole.

[C]

Classic Ian picture. I just want to see the pictures. All right? Jack smoking a Sig. Let him know you party.

[B]

Is that what you do? You keep the shirt.

[C]

Brad Williams, you're in a dress. Okay. It's fun. You're having a good time.

[B]

Uh huh.

[C]

You know, peace sign.

[B]

You and your cat getting weirder.

[C]

An old guy.

[B]

Who's that guy?

[D]

An old guy wearing a shirt that says, can't talk now I'm eating. And it's a guy going down on a curb.

[C]

It's a picture of Foley.

[B]

And were you successful on there? Did you do well?

[D]

It was all right, you know, I would talk to people and very rarely meet up because at the end of the night, I'm just tired. And people work a 9 to 5. It just doesn't work out. I'm gone every weekend.

[C]

What is this, the beginning of a rom com? You know, at the end of the night, I'm just spent. I'm a single woman.

[D]

I left town. I left town to chase my dreams.

[B]

You pray Crazy.

[D]

A friend from high school died. I went back to the funeral. I found my high school sweetheart.

[B]

This happened.

[C]

It's like a. This happened.

[B]

Sorry for your loss.

[C]

My fake stepdad died.

[D]

I think he said on live.

[B]

You don't. You don't talk to him.

[D]

He sends me, like.

[B]

Used him up, huh?

[D]

No, he sends me like a invoice. A little, like, picture every holiday. Like, Happy Easter.

[C]

Happy St. Patrick's I have an ex stepmom. It's tough to keep in.

[B]

How's the dick look?

[D]

Yeah, still good.

[C]

It's. It's rude. It's his stepdad. It's his, like, stepdad.

[B]

Hey, it's a basement dweller. What are you talking about? Guy live by the dehumidifier. That's not a stepdad.

[C]

It's a sump pump. Uncle at.

[B]

Stepdad throws the ball to you? Stuff like that.

[C]

No, he does not. I want to go on record.

[D]

He tried to. The very first time I met him, he took me to the park I used to go to with my dad to have a catch.

[B]

He kept getting back in the car.

[D]

Bad move.

[B]

Wait, he took you to the park to have a catch with you?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Which your dad used to do. Yeah. And? What? I'm sure you freaked out.

[C]

Oh, I was.

[B]

Would you get off the leash? Going to the woods after you.

[D]

Just scratching my neck with my back leg.

[B]

Ian saw a groundhog and freaked out.

[C]

He takes him off to leech. Ian stands there all calm for a minute, looking left and right. He's got the zoom.

[B]

Son of a. Here, but you want a cigarette?

[C]

Your mom's gonna kill me, Ian. His treats. A beer and a cigarette. A. She's already mad at me. I lost a retarded kid.

[B]

You're humping other dogs, Humping other kids.

[D]

We ended up getting along. Later, when I was too drunk to drive, he'd pick me up. He was a good guy.

[C]

I was 8.

[B]

And he worked for the state.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, let's keep some of those details.

[B]

State of Missouri.

[C]

The state of duress. State of shock.

[B]

I was trying to throw people off the scent. He worked for state of Missouri, not Delaware, where you live.

[C]

Hey, stop it.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

What?

[B]

He commute?

[D]

What are you talking about?

[B]

I'm just trying so people don't can figure this guy out.

[D]

Thank you.

[B]

I mean, he's probably on a short list in Colorado.

[D]

Thank you. McAfee.

[B]

Who's McAfee?

[D]

A virus protector guy.

[C]

He's McAfee.

[B]

McAfee?

[D]

What? I said McAfee.

[C]

Whatever.

[D]

Tomato, tomato, what? Tomato, potato.

[B]

No, tomato. Tomato, tomato, potato. That's a joke.

[D]

I said tomato. Tomato was a joke.

[C]

Oh, I don't know why, but.

[B]

Some kind of comedian, huh? Kevin said you were some kind of comedian.

[C]

I didn't believe him. Thought you were a newsman.

[D]

Well, I certainly hope I passed the audition.

[B]

Did you meet Lauren Michaels, by the way?

[C]

No.

[D]

No.

[C]

I did go through his desk.

[D]

Guy likes popcorn. I got a colonel right here.

[B]

A nickel plated.

[C]

You're wearing his shoes.

[D]

Hello. I'm.

[C]

No one.

[D]

No, we walked in. I'm with Shane, and then Lauren is sitting at a table by himself, and he looks at Shane. And then.

[B]

Do you know my stepdad?

[D]

You work for the state. I need medicine. And. And I just go to Shane. I go, I'm out of here. He goes, good idea. I just, like, went and tried to get Che, gave me some chicken skewers and I just left.

[B]

That sounds like you're doing well.

[D]

Yeah, it was.

[B]

All right.

[C]

Find a free meal anywhere. Are you done with those chicken skewers?

[D]

I. I love be bopping around, sit.

[B]

Through an hour and a half, show for somebody.

[C]

Popcorn trip.

[D]

Dude, I. Oh, my God. There was. They had ice cream and everything. And I went to go get it and the guy was like, ice cream's done. I go, oh, man, I just missed you.

[B]

He goes, I'm gonna kill myself.

[C]

Here's my car.

[D]

He goes, look, I'm gonna throw it out, so take what you want. I was like, all right. So I filled up this big coffee.

[C]

Do you have any dry ice on here, dude?

[D]

He goes.

[B]

He goes.

[D]

He goes, take the whipped cream, take the chocolate. It's getting thrown out. Oh, or it's going in your belly.

[B]

Well, my. My three imaginary friends here would also like ice cream.

[D]

Only want to pull that too.

[B]

Cut that. Okay.

[C]

Well, okay. You know, we tried.

[B]

Why?

[C]

This is good.

[D]

Success.

[C]

I'm. I'm kidding, Ian. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

[B]

Having a good time?

[C]

We're having a great time. Yeah. Yeah. I.

[B]

We love you.

[D]

I love you.

[B]

You've been very helpful to me over the last couple of weeks. You know, you've been a good friend.

[C]

You're very sweet. That's very sweet. I'm glad you two have. Are. Are. Have united against me to take me down.

[B]

Yes, Me and linking up. They'll be blowing the bridges.

[C]

The last thing I need, getting asthma again. All things are set up and I am allergic to the skin approach.

[B]

Oh, man.

[D]

Just condensed air.

[B]

No, it's not. It's medicine.

[C]

It's albuterol.

[B]

Albuterol?

[D]

What is albuterol?

[C]

It's a medicine, you idiot. If it was air, they'd call it air.

[B]

It's a linebacker for the dolphins.

[C]

I'm having. No, it's medicine. You're supposed to take it.

[B]

Like, no more than you think it is.

[C]

Just a day.

[D]

I thought it was compressed air.

[C]

No, you should be.

[B]

Oxygen.

[C]

No.

[D]

Butyrol.

[C]

Medicine.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Have I been taking too much medicine?

[C]

Probably think, shit.

[D]

Whatever. Medicine's good.

[C]

I took it every day.

[B]

What do you mean you've been taking too much medicine?

[C]

Your mustache is right. In a suicide dear Soup, your two front teeth killed themselves. Get it? Because they're dead.

[D]

I did have a dead tooth. I'm doing really well.

[C]

I replaced my teeth. You opened up and went back. That thing is black on the back. Back in black. I hit the sack.

[B]

The dentist screwed me. I said, I'm coming back.

[C]

Acd seals.

[D]

It was a dirty duck. Dirt cheap.

[C]

Foley's got big ball. We gotta rabbit.

[B]

What?

[C]

I hate that. You do that. Like I'm the one.

[B]

I wanted to make fun of his teeth a little more.

[C]

Did you ever? Did you ever?

[D]

Did you ever.

[C]

Don't get me started on the bottoms.

[D]

Yeah, looks like an earthquake in a graveyard.

[B]

You got two that are ducking the draft back there, hiding behind the other ones.

[C]

I know one's burning his draft ticket.

[D]

Ian finance.com for all my tickets so I can replace my bottom teeth.

[C]

Invisalign pre estimates to replace a couple. No, please take a couple.

[B]

They look good. They look good.

[C]

Nothing on that. That was gold. Jerry got shark's teeth.

[D]

Flip up shark eyes, all black.

[C]

Whale skin.

[D]

Whale weight.

[B]

Don't forget my small penis. What?

[C]

Well, I mean, fuck Ian.

[B]

Where are you gonna be? You got being Ian with Jordan.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

Very popular, very fantastic comedy podcast. Yes.

[D]

DC at the end of November, Minneapolis. The following week in December, December 31, two shows. San Diego, American Comedy Company, Denver Comedy Works. January 8th to 10th, Valentine's Day, Portland, Maine and then Portland, Oregon.

[C]

Kids working.

[B]

He's working, baby.

[D]

I'm on the road every week. I'm loving it. Having a blast. And YouTube.comian finance comedy to get Ian doing odd guy doing odd jobs. Plus stand up every other day. Partnering and produced by ymh. Shout out Tommy. Shout out the guys over there. You're great. I appreciate having, having fun. Christina Zolo, all them, the whole squad down there. The best squad is fantastic. We had a good time on that show for Ad Week.

[C]

Oh, I bombed.

[D]

It was tough.

[C]

You did well. You listen. He said. He's texting me after. He's saying he also bombed. And then people started doing good, and he changed the narrative that he did good. He really financed the shit out of.

[B]

I heard Foley killed Foley.

[D]

Did okay.

[C]

Whoa.

[D]

No, you did great.

[B]

I'll let him know.

[D]

You close it out, right?

[B]

I did.

[D]

Yeah. That was. That was tough because Giannis and Chris went up together and then, like, leveled the place and a bunch of people left, and then you closed it out strong. It was great.

[B]

Thanks.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, it was cool. We were all on the poster together. Isn't that neat?

[B]

Like, back in the day, we did posters again. Remember? Huh? Yeah, Me remember.

[D]

Paul Goodman's Applebee's New Year's Eve wasn't on that show.

[C]

I wasn't asked to do that show. And I love eating good at the neighborhood. Everyone knows. Knows that about.

[D]

Oh, yeah. Speaking of teeth, maybe I should go to Paul Goodman.

[B]

I don't think you'd return.

[C]

Tom Cassidy asked. He goes, I'm gonna hit up Paul Goodman. I haven't talked to him in 15 years.

[B]

Guy's probably retired. Got a family.

[D]

That is crazy. Oh, yeah. Wmmr. Cookout for hunger.

[B]

There you go. Camp out for hunger. Yeah.

[D]

November 11th.

[B]

You're working. You're doing your thing.

[D]

Working. Doing my thing.

[B]

You got big plans for the holidays?

[D]

I'm gonna go see my mom for the day, and then I and my buddy is gonna come up who we. I bring him on the road sometimes. We hang out. He's gonna come up, and then. I don't know what I'm doing for Christmas, you guys.

[B]

I'm sick.

[C]

I'm at the American Comedy Company.

[B]

Yeah, we'll be. We'll be out of town.

[D]

Yeah, well, you know, we should go on, like, a vacation together. That'd be so fun. Ski lodge, skiing. You want to ski?

[C]

I can't ski no more.

[D]

Why?

[B]

He's got sports induced asthma.

[C]

I fell and hurt myself very bad.

[D]

A bunch of us used to go on skiing trips, play Salt Lake City Wise guys on a Sunday, three shows, and use all that money to get a Airbnb and ski.

[C]

I'm sure Ian did not like that.

[D]

Someone else allocating the funds showed up and they. I don't ski. You don't ski?

[B]

Nah, I sled.

[C]

Yeah, you do.

[B]

I did.

[D]

It's the best. I love skiing. You don't ski?

[C]

Are you talking? I can't tell with your Cross eyes. What are you looking at?

[D]

I'm talking to Luke.

[C]

Talking to the viewers.

[B]

Talking to the new guy, Mark.

[C]

Shout out. Mark.

[D]

You don't ski. Can't believe it.

[C]

I snowboarded for a very long £400.

[B]

Do I ski?

[D]

You'll bomb the man.

[B]

Nah, brother.

[C]

They got the whole village fucking. Hey.

[B]

We just put that Christmas tree up, you fat bastard.

[C]

Have to redo the lodge.

[B]

What do you got for him, Kip?

[C]

What? I'll be a Jack Frost. The Big Boulder.

[B]

December 13th. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. It's our biggest show ever. Want everybody in the Tri State area to come out and see the boys at the Met. Ian, we love you.

[D]

I love you.

[B]

Congratulations. Thank you. For the gifts, of course.

[C]

And maybe a little guest appearance by ian at the December 13th show.

[D]

Oh, my God. That would be amazing.

[C]

Yeah. Tickets are [e-mail].

[D]

That would be.

[C]

No, I'm saying you can buy it and show up to the show.

[D]

I would like to not do that. I love you guys.

[B]

Love you, pal. Gang, we love you. We'll see you next week.

[C]

Peace.