House of Ham w/ Sam Tallent

Summary

Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast – Episode: House of Ham w/ Sam Tallent Release Date: May 1, 2025
Hosts: Kevin Ryan & H. Foley
Guest: Sam Tallent

---

Introduction

In the episode titled "House of Ham," hosts Kevin Ryan and H. Foley welcome back their returning guest, Sam Tallent—a talented stand-up comedian, accomplished author, and Random House author. The episode dives deep into Sam's quirky household, personal anecdotes, and his unique lifestyle, all delivered with the trademark humor and candidness that define the "Are You Garbage?" podcast.

---

Guest Introduction and Welcome

[00:37] Kevin Ryan & H. Foley open the show by introducing Sam Tallent as an "incredibly special guest" who has graced their podcast multiple times before. They express excitement about Sam's upcoming tours in the UK and Australia, highlighting his growing popularity and comedic prowess.

---

Sam's Unique Household: The Ham in the Basement

A significant portion of the conversation revolves around Sam's unconventional household, particularly the infamous ham stored in his basement. This humorous topic serves as a centerpiece for their banter.

• Sam Tallent: Discusses how he obtained the ham as a housewarming gift and humorously explains the challenges it poses.
  Quote: "It was like throwing a blanket over a dog's cage. You have to quiet it down. Yeah, that's gross." [12:07]

• Kevin Ryan: Teases Sam about the practicality and hygiene of keeping ham in the basement, leading to jokes about gas leaks and sanitation.
  Quote: "He just bleeding in the bathtub, but then you're also taking time to send us self-handwritten postcards." [06:14]

• H. Foley: Adds to the humor by questioning the storage choices and the potential issues arising from having such a large piece of meat in the basement.
  Quote: "You can't be keeping ham in the basement." [12:20]

The trio humorously debates over the classiest versus trashiest elements of Sam's house, ultimately landing on Sam's solarium as the classiest feature and the ham as the trashiest.

---

Household Chores and Furniture Fiascos

The discussion shifts to various household chores and furniture issues, maintaining a comedic tone throughout.

• Dishwasher Dilemmas: Sam shares his struggles with a perpetually smelly dishwasher, despite having replaced it twice.
  Quote: "We did. We got this. The second one, and it still reeks." [21:29]

• Furniture Woes: The conversation touches on expensive furniture Sam purchased at a discount, which now resides near the ham in the basement due to comfort issues.
  Quote: "It's been relegated cuz it's not comfy." [24:17]

• Solarium Shenanigans: Sam describes his solarium as a "human" and the room where he indulges in writing, further illustrating the eccentricities of his home.
  Quote: "I write in that room. I sit in this Big chair and I..." [14:30]

---

Personal Anecdotes and Lifestyle

Sam Tallent opens up about his personal life, travels, and the impact of his lifestyle choices on his relationships and daily routines.

• Travel Tales: Sam talks about his frequent travels to Japan, including a heartfelt trip to Disneyland with his family. His emotional reflections add depth to the humorous dialogue.
  Quote: "I was just crying the whole time because of how proud I was." [18:42]

• Family Dynamics: The guest shares stories about his sister's wedding, including his father passing out from substance use, which adds a layer of sincerity amid the comedy.
  Quote: "My dad got too high. And then all that..." [53:39]

• Living Arrangements: They discuss living in an RV and the challenges associated with it, highlighting the transient lifestyle some guests and listeners might relate to.
  Quote: "We had an old, broken down rv, like, on our property..." [55:54]

---

Buffet Behaviors and Social Faux Pas

A recurring theme in the episode is social etiquette at buffets, where the hosts and Sam share their less-than-stellar experiences.

• Crab Legs Conundrum: The group humorously critiques the competitive nature of securing crab legs at buffets, comparing themselves to basketball players in a paint game.
  Quote: "I'm fucking Rodman in the paint, dude." [30:38]

• Hypnosis on Cruises: Sam recounts his aunt's hypnotism experience on a cruise ship, where she was convinced she was a duck, leading to chaotic and funny outcomes.
  Quote: "She ran around on stage flapping and... she had no recollection..." [59:21]

---

Food and Eating Habits

The conversation delves into quirky eating habits and utensil preferences, sparked by references to popular shows like "White Lotus."

• Mac and Cheese Debates: Sam and the hosts debate the best utensils for eating mac and cheese, blending culinary preferences with comedic insights.
  Quote: "If it's like a Classic black Mac and cheese that's as thick as the pot is long, you need a fucking fork to chop." [45:35]

• Utensil Usage in Different Cultures: They explore the use of spoons and forks in Thai cuisine, adding an educational twist to their humor.
  Quote: "Fork and spoon are used primarily utensils for Thai meals." [47:52]

---

Social Security and Personal Documentation

A lighter segment involves the hosts and Sam discussing the necessity and storage of Social Security cards, sprinkled with humorous takes on personal security and forgetfulness.

• Checkbook Chronicles: Sam humorously describes keeping checks in a gun safe, emphasizing his old-school approach to financial security.
  Quote: "I have four checks that are, like, in the gun safe." [07:48]

• Lost Documentation: They joke about misplacing Social Security cards and the absurdity of needing them in modern times.
  Quote: "I have my passport. I know my number." [36:54]

---

Closing Remarks and Upcoming Projects

As the episode winds down, the hosts and Sam recap key moments, promote Sam's upcoming tours, and share heartfelt sentiments about their collaboration.

• Tour Announcements: Sam reiterates his tour dates across the UK and Australia, encouraging listeners to attend his performances.
  Quote: "For you guys, go see Mr. Sam Talent." [63:58]

• Book Promotion: Sam's latest book, "Chubby Behemoth," is highlighted, available through Random House, with a nod to supporting local bookstores.
  Quote: "It's available wherever. Buy it from your local bookstore." [64:05]

• Final Goodbyes: The episode concludes with warm farewells, expressions of mutual respect, and a tease about upcoming tours and projects.
  Quote: "We love you guys very much." [64:18]

---

Notable Quotes

1. Sam Tallent on Ham Storage:
   “It was like throwing a blanket over a dog's cage. You have to quiet it down. Yeah, that's gross.” [12:07]

2. Kevin Ryan on Dishwasher Issues:
   “We did. We got this. The second one, and it still reeks.” [21:29]

3. Sam Tallent Reflecting on Travels:
   “I was just crying the whole time because of how proud I was.” [18:42]

4. Discussion on Utensils:
   “If it's like a Classic black Mac and cheese that's as thick as the pot is long, you need a fucking fork to chop.” [45:35]

5. On Social Security Cards:
   “I have four checks that are, like, in the gun safe.” [07:48]

---

Conclusion

The "House of Ham" episode offers a delightful blend of humor, personal stories, and candid conversations, embodied by Sam Tallent's unique lifestyle and experiences. Kevin Ryan and H. Foley expertly navigate through various topics, ensuring that listeners are both entertained and engaged. Whether it's debating the best utensil for mac and cheese or navigating the chaos of household ham storage, this episode encapsulates the essence of what makes "Are You Garbage?" a standout comedy podcast.

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Note: For those interested in catching Sam Tallent live or exploring his literary works, be sure to check out his upcoming tours and his book "Chubby Behemoth" available through Random House.

Transcript

[Ted Trolley]

Gang, we got a big announcement. The Back on the Block tour is going on sale tomorrow, Thursday, 10:00am local time. Woo. Do yourself a favor, get some tickets. We're coming to a city near you. We're doing big shows, some of our favorite spots. We can't wait to see you out there.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Starting in September, we're in San Francisco, Portland, Seattle, then Burlington, Vermont, Boston, Massachusetts, Atlanta, Georgia, Charlotte, North Carolina, Raleigh, North Carolina, Richmond, Virginia, Baltimore, Maryland, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania at the Met. The biggest show we've ever done.

[Ted Trolley]

Let's go.

[Kevin Ryan]

Then we're doing Rochester, New York and Toronto, Canada. All tickets are sale 10:00am Your local time. Local time of the city. Get [e-mail] do it. Yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are you Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.

[Sam Talent]

Hey, we're getting somewhere.

[Ted Trolley]

Hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody, everybody's favorite podcast. This is RU Garbage. It's that little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that if they grew up to be classy, but they're just a big old piece of trash.

[Kevin Ryan]

Trash, trash, trash.

[Ted Trolley]

I'm your host, Ted Trolley. Coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in the new edition. She just hopped back from the Wu Tang concert.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Ted Trolley]

She was hanging out with the boys late night. She'll be sleeping one off today.

[Kevin Ryan]

Shout out to rza.

[Ted Trolley]

My co host is coming at you from right next to me. He is what we call the CEO of our new Garbage. He is an international businessman and he's my best pal in the whole wide world. Give it up for kj Kevin James Ryan.

[Kevin Ryan]

What up, gang? Shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in as always. Please make sure you rate review. Subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Also full video available now on Spotify over there. Check that out. And then obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com rugarbage. You go over there, you get all that bonus content, gang.

[Ted Trolley]

Yes, sir. And gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest. He's back with us again today. I think it's his third time or fourth time on the show. I very funny stand up comedian, accomplished author, Random House author. All right, it's gonna be over in the UK in May. He's gonna be in Australia in July. But we got him right here at Toady's. Give it up for the one, the only, Mr. Sam Talon, everybody.

[Sam Talent]

Man, you really fired it up for that one.

[Ted Trolley]

I can turn it on when I need to. Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

You were, like, morose when I got here.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's like someone hits him with a shot of beef tallow.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Fucking jumps right up.

[Sam Talent]

You were like Dominique Wilkins from the Free thr.

[Ted Trolley]

I had a craft singles in the bathroom.

[Sam Talent]

Oh, is that what that rapper sound was?

[Ted Trolley]

Juice me up a little bit. I go, yellow, not white.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. Hey, no one accused you of anything else, man. That white. You guys love the white. That fake provolone shit.

[Ted Trolley]

I do.

[Kevin Ryan]

Growing up, that white was even in Philly, too. It was always white. New York's more yellow.

[Ted Trolley]

Yeah. Never had yellow cheese growing up except for Velveeta.

[Sam Talent]

I always thought the white stuff was like, oh, maybe one day if I save up.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure. I think it's all the same price right now.

[Ted Trolley]

There's a different flavor, too, from the Kraft yellow singles to the Kraft white singles. The craft white singles have a little bit of a sweeter finish to it.

[Sam Talent]

They're tangy, and they melt better, which I appreciate.

[Kevin Ryan]

Luke, give me a price point on a 16 pack of white and a 16 pack of yellow.

[Ted Trolley]

They gotta be the same.

[Sam Talent]

Here's a couple singles over here.

[Kevin Ryan]

A couple of free samples.

[Sam Talent]

Said I could have whatever I want.

[Ted Trolley]

Slice thin if you try it out a little bit.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. If you're going to make, like, a melty, cheesy, beefy sandwich, I think that white cheese is superior.

[Kevin Ryan]

Of course, that was always.

[Ted Trolley]

Even the fancy chefs will say that that American cheese is the best for. For. For cheeseburger.

[Kevin Ryan]

Talk to a lot of fancy chefs. Do you?

[Ted Trolley]

Yeah, I do.

[Kevin Ryan]

Rub it. Elbows.

[Ted Trolley]

Yeah, that's right.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Ted Trolley]

Michelin star.

[Sam Talent]

It's not just elbows. Table.

[Ted Trolley]

Yeah, buddy. Congratulations.

[Kevin Ryan]

We just reset the show. Thanks for tuning in.

[Ted Trolley]

Congratulations and everything.

[Sam Talent]

Same to you guys.

[Ted Trolley]

I love following everything that you do. And before we get into the questions that we have from. From the homies there, I just got to say again, you're never home. You're always moving.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

You're moving and you're shaking. I see you here shaking less.

[Sam Talent]

I've lost some weight.

[Ted Trolley]

Yeah, you're looking good.

[Kevin Ryan]

Came in with a nice bright orange jacket, like hunter orange.

[Ted Trolley]

Beautiful.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

I just came from the deer blind.

[Ted Trolley]

When's the last time you were in Japan? I get hung up on. I feel like you're in Japan every other weekend.

[Kevin Ryan]

Very well traveled. You are.

[Sam Talent]

I like it out there in the world. The world's beautiful. It's nice also. Hey, to your listeners, the cherry blossoms are in bloom across this country. Get out there and see them right now.

[Ted Trolley]

Of course.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, I was in Japan Christmas until I was there for like 16 days at the beginning of the year.

[Ted Trolley]

How many times is that?

[Sam Talent]

This was my third time in Japan.

[Ted Trolley]

That's crazy. Like the last two years, I did.

[Sam Talent]

Take my dad, I took my sister, my brother in law. It was awesome. My brother in law. I don't know if I should tell this story, but anyway, we had a really good time. Let's just say they're pretty stringent about who they let in.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, really?

[Sam Talent]

Oh, yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

No kidding.

[Sam Talent]

Oh, man. They do not like to open their doors to anyone with a murky pass. Someone who made mistakes as a youth, it's not his fault, you know?

[Ted Trolley]

No kidding.

[Sam Talent]

Product of the system.

[Ted Trolley]

What do they do when they see you over there? You're a tall gentleman.

[Sam Talent]

They go like this.

[Kevin Ryan]

I get in one of those big nets.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. They move three of the crates that everyone's sitting on aside and they bring in one big beanbag chair and I plop down.

[Kevin Ryan]

Is that a problem for you? Cause that is a tighter. That's close quarters over there.

[Sam Talent]

It's a problem for me most places.

[Ted Trolley]

How you been dumping over there?

[Sam Talent]

Oh, man. Standing up in the natural disaster. I'm like Andre the Giant. I'm squatting in a fucking bathtub.

[Ted Trolley]

Talk about Fukushima.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

I have to throw the sheets away.

[Kevin Ryan]

I've always said you are the mix of trash and class because you go over there and like, you know, obviously you're shitting in a bathtub, but then you're also. You're taking time to send us self handwritten postcards.

[Sam Talent]

Oh, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Which is very nice. No one's doing that. Yeah, he's an old soul. He's got a good fucking good head on his shoulder.

[Ted Trolley]

Classy.

[Sam Talent]

I think about you guys a lot. Just because your rise was. Was very close to when I was kind of ascending.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes, we were both. Our trajectory was very similar.

[Sam Talent]

And I feel like no matter what happens, I'm always going to be stoked to see you guys because, you know, you can't bury something that came from the dirt, you know?

[Kevin Ryan]

Damn. Fucking.

[Sam Talent]

I heard a special team guys got away with words. I heard a special teams player on the Saints say that when they didn't cut him.

[Kevin Ryan]

See, he'll drop shit like that. But he's like, they didn't cover the over.

[Ted Trolley]

So I was like, isn't that Triple H?

[Sam Talent]

You mean Hunter hurts Helmsley?

[Kevin Ryan]

He refers to Triple H's as.

[Sam Talent]

Dude. I literally take my financial advice from Mick Foley. I heard Mick Foley recently.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's not good.

[Sam Talent]

I know.

[Ted Trolley]

Maybe it is. What do you got?

[Kevin Ryan]

Put all your money in flannels.

[Sam Talent]

Buy barbed wire.

[Ted Trolley]

Now Fluorescent lights. Smash them.

[Sam Talent]

He said, it's not. It's not what you make. It's what you save, brother.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's good. Of course.

[Sam Talent]

So I bought a house.

[Ted Trolley]

There you go.

[Kevin Ryan]

Did you buy a house?

[Ted Trolley]

Did you buy a house?

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, out there near Detroit.

[Ted Trolley]

Is that what you did? Huh?

[Sam Talent]

Look at you. My wife's from there. It's like, dude, we couldn't buy a nice house in. In Denver, so. But in Detroit, we own this beautiful home.

[Ted Trolley]

Sure. And you're gonna keep it? You're not, like, flipping it or anything like that?

[Sam Talent]

No, no, Dude. What am I. I don't have the energy. I don't give a. To try and make $60,000 on a huge hassle.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

You know, and now you're off to. You're off to Paris for a few weeks. You were saying?

[Sam Talent]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

Look at that.

[Kevin Ryan]

No.

[Ted Trolley]

Paris in the springtime, huh?

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, dude.

[Kevin Ryan]

May and Perry, are you handy around the house?

[Sam Talent]

No. No.

[Kevin Ryan]

You sub all that out. You just go get a handyman.

[Sam Talent]

I bring a man in.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

Did you have to do anything when you bought the home?

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, give my wife a checkbook here.

[Kevin Ryan]

Honey, do you have a checkbook?

[Sam Talent]

I had to work in Toledo. Yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

Do you have a checkbook?

[Sam Talent]

I have four checks that are, like, in the gun safe.

[Ted Trolley]

That's good.

[Kevin Ryan]

In the gun safe.

[Sam Talent]

Once a year, I'm like, I'll get a check.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's old cowboy shit.

[Ted Trolley]

Yeah. Because we don't have checks. I don't know anybody that uses checks. I Do you have checks?

[Kevin Ryan]

I have checks, yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

Who are you writing checks to? Not to me.

[Kevin Ryan]

I got to pay my mortgage every month.

[Sam Talent]

He's got a secret family in Tuscaloosa.

[Kevin Ryan]

Tuscaloosa, son.

[Sam Talent]

Checks are for girls, man.

[Ted Trolley]

What are you doing?

[Kevin Ryan]

What's up, ladies?

[Ted Trolley]

Wait, you don't just. Do. You don't just transfer it?

[Kevin Ryan]

No. I fucked up when I did it, and I. Now I'm. It's one of those things. I got it set up, but I mail my check in.

[Ted Trolley]

You do?

[Kevin Ryan]

And then this is what I do. I write all the checks. So I'm currently out of checks because I just wrote, like, 10 months worth the checks, and I let. I sit them there, and then I. Because otherwise I forget.

[Ted Trolley]

Let me ask you both this as. As you know, recent homeowners and, you know, fine gentleman that I know. Do you have. Do you have the sticker that says the return address on it with the family home?

[Kevin Ryan]

No.

[Ted Trolley]

Do you have that?

[Sam Talent]

Sammy, I made us a little stamp we can use.

[Ted Trolley]

What are you. The photo. You Leo the Lion Head or something like that?

[Sam Talent]

Hey, man, if I knew who the that was, maybe.

[Kevin Ryan]

Maybe I would be Gary the giraffe head.

[Sam Talent]

You got any more Verona riffs?

[Ted Trolley]

Verona Capulets in the Montagues? I'm sorry, Shakespeare.

[Sam Talent]

No, no, man. I liked that earlier.

[Ted Trolley]

You don't have a. Or yes stamp?

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, because, like, I. Well, I carve these little, like, linoleum things. It's like. It's like whittling. I think my grandfather was always like, I would watch TV and I'll just be carving, and it's fun. But, yeah, I made us a little, like, return.

[Ted Trolley]

Clean that up. You're doing it just from the floor? Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

In my living room.

[Kevin Ryan]

Really?

[Sam Talent]

And my wife will be like, what are you doing? And I'm, like, doing whatever I want in the home that I pay for.

[Ted Trolley]

Get my checkbook.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

The gun safe.

[Kevin Ryan]

No way. He's on the road 11 out of 12 months a year.

[Sam Talent]

I wish.

[Ted Trolley]

You have a stamp that's pretty good. Do you have one of those wax things, too? Where you. Where you. Where you put the little.

[Kevin Ryan]

Seal it, like, from the. From the talents.

[Sam Talent]

Only if it's a formal vendetta. Yeah. Only ever need the Pope to know.

[Ted Trolley]

God rest his soul. Do you celebrate Easter?

[Sam Talent]

I do. Of course. Yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

So what'd you do yesterday?

[Kevin Ryan]

He's a big ham guy. I know. I remember. I'm just saying. I know he's. I know he likes it.

[Sam Talent]

I do.

[Kevin Ryan]

I remember he told the story in his first one. He had that. What was it? Serrano ham or whatever. Like the big spit.

[Ted Trolley]

That's a hard connection to Easter. Yes. Ham is served on Easter. Sure.

[Sam Talent]

The ham, now that we have in our new house.

[Kevin Ryan]

You have one? Yeah. So he gets, like, the big legs.

[Ted Trolley]

Costco, by the way.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

Because they're huge over there. Costco has some real classy shit if you look around, especially the one in Verona. Wooden shoes.

[Sam Talent]

If you look around.

[Ted Trolley]

They got some nice stuff there.

[Sam Talent]

You're spelunking in a Costco with a headlamp on.

[Kevin Ryan]

Come up out of a big thing of underwear.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

Do you like a foie gras?

[Sam Talent]

I do like a foie gras a lot, dude. I love spreadable meats.

[Ted Trolley]

Yeah. You're about to be in the heart of it.

[Sam Talent]

I know. It's about to be in my heart, too.

[Ted Trolley]

Yeah. I had it every day when I was there.

[Sam Talent]

It's so good, dude. Yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

So good.

[Sam Talent]

Rabbit tartine or tartan, whatever it is.

[Ted Trolley]

Sure.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. It's like cat food, man. They have the best cat food in France.

[Ted Trolley]

You wouldn't go near that.

[Kevin Ryan]

No.

[Ted Trolley]

So good.

[Sam Talent]

You can get a Wawa pretzel.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure. Shout out to Wawa. Yeah. No, I'm not a little pat. I would have to say. I'm not a spreadable meat kind of guy.

[Sam Talent]

Loser.

[Kevin Ryan]

Man. Boy, is my face red.

[Sam Talent]

Mine is, too. From all the meats. Sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

Coming out of your pores. What's the. You do. So the meat you do have now, you said you have one at the house?

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. And it's in this room in our basement.

[Ted Trolley]

And is that where it should be kept?

[Kevin Ryan]

Is it a finished basement? Jesus. Okay. Finished basement. Is it in the finished part?

[Sam Talent]

Might be Swedish. I'm not sure.

[Ted Trolley]

Has a weird accent either way.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. Keeps offering me figs.

[Ted Trolley]

Does weird sex stuff.

[Sam Talent]

Oh, boy. I have all these chambers in the basement. One room chambers. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, man, he is a novelist. I can freaking just whip.

[Ted Trolley]

Wait, why do you. Why don't you have the ham in the kitchen?

[Kevin Ryan]

Ham in the kitchen?

[Sam Talent]

I can't trust myself. It should be in the gun safe.

[Ted Trolley]

With the checks next to the checks break in case of emergency.

[Sam Talent]

It's in this room in the basement. And we recently had dte, the energy company of Detroit, come over to, like, test us for a gas leak. And in the room that it's in was, like, high for gas. It's been in there for, like, a year.

[Kevin Ryan]

Jeez.

[Ted Trolley]

You got eaten?

[Sam Talent]

I've just been sneaking down there eating poison ham.

[Ted Trolley]

It probably smells like ham. And that's probably what the gas probably.

[Kevin Ryan]

The ham's probably emitting the gas.

[Ted Trolley]

It's rotting. You gotta put that up in the kitchen. You can't be keeping ham.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't think you can keep just a hunk of ham.

[Ted Trolley]

You cover it up, right? Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

With loose tinfoil.

[Sam Talent]

It's like throwing a blanket over a dog's cage. You have to quiet it down. Yeah, that's gross.

[Kevin Ryan]

Talk about leader of the pack.

[Sam Talent]

If you guys came over, you would love the ham.

[Kevin Ryan]

I've done, buddy. Trust me.

[Ted Trolley]

How do you make the sandwich? You go down there and get it and then bring it upstairs with the rest of the stuff.

[Sam Talent]

I don't. I don't. I go down there with the bread in hand and Just slice it off and pile it up.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do you leave the knife down there?

[Sam Talent]

There's a knife.

[Kevin Ryan]

There's a knife. There's a knife in there.

[Ted Trolley]

How do you clean that off?

[Sam Talent]

I don't clean off that knife. I wipe it on the towel. I just smooth it on the towel that goes over the hand barber. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Got a leather strap.

[Sam Talent]

I have that Barbicide tin, and I put the knife in there.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's actually just Gatorade.

[Ted Trolley]

What did the energy company say about the basement?

[Kevin Ryan]

Any.

[Ted Trolley]

Any.

[Sam Talent]

They said.

[Ted Trolley]

They said, you got to watch that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sir, you have a mouse problem. And I think it's the ham.

[Sam Talent]

Did the guy was like, is that a ham in there? I was like, is that any of your business?

[Ted Trolley]

Are you aware of the ordinance of not having a human leg in your basement, sir?

[Kevin Ryan]

When did you start working for the HA Department? All right, I don't need you to sit here and judge me.

[Ted Trolley]

How long will one of them last you?

[Sam Talent]

Oh, who knows? You know, until my wife makes me throw it away.

[Kevin Ryan]

Does she partake in the ham?

[Sam Talent]

Oh, no.

[Kevin Ryan]

Does anybody? That come over is like, oh, yeah, sweet. We're at Sam's house. Let's get our ham.

[Sam Talent]

If I didn't know you guys and you were just in town and I was like, come see my house, and I had a ham in the basement, you'd be like, this is the coolest guy alive. Sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do you tell him how old it is?

[Sam Talent]

No, no, no.

[Ted Trolley]

How old is it?

[Kevin Ryan]

He said over a year.

[Ted Trolley]

It's over a year.

[Kevin Ryan]

Did you move with it?

[Sam Talent]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. It was a housewarming ham.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, fair enough.

[Sam Talent]

It was, like, the first thing I bought.

[Ted Trolley]

I don't think the movers would have took that.

[Kevin Ryan]

And it's like, fucking fed showing up at your door.

[Ted Trolley]

This guy's got a femur bone in here.

[Sam Talent]

Honey, I have to flush the ham. And a hard drive.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, man.

[Ted Trolley]

Congratulations on the.

[Kevin Ryan]

Congratulations on everything.

[Sam Talent]

Thank you.

[Ted Trolley]

When did you move in?

[Sam Talent]

May 31st. Our mortgage started.

[Ted Trolley]

Look at you.

[Sam Talent]

And then we moved in in, like, August.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, sure.

[Ted Trolley]

Shifty. What's the yard situation? Who's cutting the grass?

[Sam Talent]

We have a service.

[Ted Trolley]

You have a service?

[Sam Talent]

Everything that I can streamline into not having to do anything. I have a solarium in the. In the house. It's a glass room.

[Kevin Ryan]

Whoa.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. It's like a human, I think.

[Ted Trolley]

A deli.

[Sam Talent]

I wish. No, are they called. That's in the basement.

[Kevin Ryan]

We have one of these.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. Solarium.

[Kevin Ryan]

Whoa. Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

And I write in that room. I sit in this Big chair and I.

[Kevin Ryan]

It smells different than the rest of the house, probably.

[Sam Talent]

Yes, it does. Because it smells like me getting skin cancer.

[Kevin Ryan]

Answer.

[Ted Trolley]

Ah.

[Sam Talent]

Because I'm sitting in a greenhouse.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, it is.

[Sam Talent]

And then my wife comes in and she says, where's your sunscreen? And I say, knock next time.

[Ted Trolley]

Wait, you gotta. That's pretty sweet.

[Sam Talent]

It's awesome. It overlooks the backyard.

[Ted Trolley]

How many bedrooms is it?

[Sam Talent]

Four.

[Ted Trolley]

Four bedrooms. How many bathrooms?

[Sam Talent]

One and a half. And I cannot sit down on these half bathrooms.

[Ted Trolley]

That seems in the powder room. Lopsided downstairs.

[Sam Talent]

It's a jewel box right next to the kitchen.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, I got one of them too.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I can't poop in.

[Sam Talent]

I can't poop in there. I wish I could.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sink is right in your face, dude.

[Sam Talent]

It's like when we got the house.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's like a bad. It's like an air. It's like an airplane.

[Sam Talent]

It's exactly like an airplane. Yeah. And I have to go side saddle if I must use it. If my sister and my wife were upstairs in the good bathroom putting their.

[Kevin Ryan]

Ointments on, as women tend to do.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, I'm down.

[Ted Trolley]

Why is your sister there's my house.

[Sam Talent]

She's allowed to pop in so many questions.

[Ted Trolley]

Does she live near you?

[Sam Talent]

No. No, but she.

[Kevin Ryan]

She comes seven hours away.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Comes over to put her ointment on.

[Sam Talent]

She's been hitching, you know.

[Ted Trolley]

Is that true?

[Sam Talent]

No. She could be my sister.

[Ted Trolley]

When's the last time you hitchhiked? You got a bit of a hitcher face.

[Sam Talent]

As my dad had his hitchhiking a lot as a kid. Yeah. Because he had this old Volkswagen magic bus and it would break down and then we would just have to like hitchhike home all the time. Yes.

[Ted Trolley]

I mean, long way to a solarium and some Hammond kids on the come up, kid. Let's talk about Square.

[Kevin Ryan]

I ain't talking triangle gag.

[Ted Trolley]

Support for today's episode comes from Square, your all in one business partner, making your day to day easier. From point of sale systems and payments to inventory and custom tools, Square brings everything together in one simple platform. So you can stay organized, sell anywhere and keep things moving. You know, we like to keep things moving over here at Duddy's.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

Whether you're running a cafe, salon, boutique, or something entirely on your own, like a podcast, selling T shirts on the road, Square gives you the flexibility to grow at your own pace and even set up online store in just a few clicks.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

We are big fans of Square. We are. Before they were even a Sponsor we started using them. We use it on the road. If you ever bought a T shirt on the road. And that's the credit card system we use. It's fantastic. Helps us keep inventory of what we have. We run out of 2 and 3 xls very quickly and we know that because of Square. It is fan freaking tactic. It's flexible, it's easy to use. Anybody can do it. And right now, listeners can get up to $200 off Square hardware. When you sign up at square.com go garbage. That's Square sq u a r e dot com go garbage. Garbage. Visit Square to get started because the right tools make all the difference.

[Ted Trolley]

Talk about built. Shout out to BILT Attention all you renters out there. If you haven't heard of bilt, you're about to thank me. Earn your favorite airline miles and hotel points through BILT just by paying your rent on time. Let me explain. Hold your horses. I know you're all clamoring to find out what's going on. If you're a renter, you should be taking advantage of bilt. We rack up points on groceries, on travel, and nearly everything else. So why in the hell are we not building up points on the biggest expense of the month? Our rent? With Bilt, paying rent finally pays off.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes, there is no cost to join. And just by paying rent, you unlock flexible points that can be transferred to your favorite hotels and airlines, a future rent payment, or your next Lyft ride. And more. When you pay rent through bilt, you unlock two powerful benefits. First, you are one of the industry's most valuable point on rent every month, no matter where you live or who your landlord is, your rent now works for you. Second, you gain access to exclusive neighborhood benefits in your city. So here's the turkey. Start paying rent through BILT and take advantage of your neighborhood benefits by going to joinbuilt.com garbage. That's Join Bilt. J O I N B I L T.com garbage. Make sure you use the URL so they know the boy. Send you. Join built.com garbage to sign up for Built today. Do it.

[Sam Talent]

I went to Disneyland. I brought my whole family to Disneyland like two weeks ago. And I was just crying the whole time because of how proud I was.

[Kevin Ryan]

Are you footing the bill for that whole thing?

[Sam Talent]

Oh yeah. It's crazy.

[Ted Trolley]

Who is? The whole family. And your dad, your sister?

[Kevin Ryan]

No, no, extended.

[Sam Talent]

So no, it was just my sister in law and then my niece and my wife.

[Kevin Ryan]

Gotcha.

[Ted Trolley]

Okay.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. So I flew them out from Michigan and Then we went to Disneyland, and it was like I was just, like, sunglasses on, just watching my niece eat churros, just sobbing, just wiping tears. I was watching them like, I was the only person in an art party that knew I had terminal cancer. Like, I had a secret, and I'm taking it to the grave. Get another churro. I can't take it with me. Can't take any of this.

[Ted Trolley]

You got Mickey ears on. You're crying your eyes out, dude.

[Sam Talent]

For real? Yeah. I had a big Goofy movie tank top on, and I was just weeping.

[Ted Trolley]

This is your wife's sister's daughter, right?

[Sam Talent]

And that's why we moved to Detroit, was to be closer to them.

[Ted Trolley]

Okay.

[Sam Talent]

And, yeah, now I just got this little insane half Lebanese girl who is, like, the apple of my eye. She. Dude, someone in our party. I'm not gonna say who. I've been told not to say who.

[Ted Trolley]

Okay?

[Sam Talent]

But someone in our party, an adult went up to. We went to the Bippity Boppity Boutique.

[Ted Trolley]

I'm well aware I don't know it.

[Sam Talent]

You can get the princess in the castle.

[Ted Trolley]

Okay.

[Sam Talent]

And they get turned into a princess. And there's tears, though, for young broad.

[Ted Trolley]

I've never been to Disneyland. I've been to Disney World.

[Sam Talent]

That is the. That is the gentleman's choice. Yes, yes. But we were like, she's not gonna remember it anyway, so we're not gonna go Disney World yet.

[Ted Trolley]

Okay.

[Sam Talent]

But, yeah, there was a little girl there who was getting dressed up as a princess, and one of the adults in our party went up and went, oh, my God, you're so beautiful, Mulan. And then the little girl went, I'm Snow White. And I went. Because she was. She was just Asian.

[Ted Trolley]

Sure.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. But there's, like, a holding pen where you can watch the princesses get their makeup done.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's weird.

[Sam Talent]

I know.

[Ted Trolley]

A little weird.

[Sam Talent]

It's just a room full of little girls being, like, you know, bedazzled. And I'm standing there with all the grandmas and the. The moms, and I'm just weeping. And after, like, five minutes of just, like, like, ugly crying, like.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like fucking Clint Eastwood, everyone's slowly walking away from him.

[Sam Talent]

No, no. They were getting more inquisitive. And then the bravest one finally went, do you know one of the princesses?

[Kevin Ryan]

Please tell me you know one of the princesses.

[Ted Trolley]

They're all just so hot. What the fuck?

[Kevin Ryan]

You're not the ogre here to k.

[Sam Talent]

They're all my princesses.

[Ted Trolley]

They'll all eat ham in the basement. I'll cover you in a sack, too. Yikes.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's cleaning his knife.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

All right, quit screwing around.

[Kevin Ryan]

One question for one question. Back to the house. What would you say the classiest thing in the house could be? The solarium or. And the trashiest, trashiest thing would have to be the ham. Right? Or is there something where you're like, that's a problem. I gotta get.

[Ted Trolley]

I can't say the ham.

[Sam Talent]

I can't say the ham next to the ham.

[Kevin Ryan]

Then. Is there something your wife wants out?

[Sam Talent]

Like.

[Kevin Ryan]

I can't believe you brought this.

[Sam Talent]

Our dishwasher smells like a ferret cage.

[Kevin Ryan]

Really?

[Sam Talent]

I don't know what's going on.

[Ted Trolley]

Why don't you get a new one?

[Sam Talent]

We did. We got this. The second one, and it still reeks.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's a bad pipe.

[Sam Talent]

But I can't smell it because of years of, you know, abuse.

[Ted Trolley]

Sure.

[Sam Talent]

So I'm like, it smells good to me, you know?

[Ted Trolley]

What do you. Do you have well water? What do you have?

[Sam Talent]

We have. We have good water. We're, like, very. We're very close to one of the lakes.

[Ted Trolley]

Okay.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. So we have, like, really solid water.

[Ted Trolley]

All right, so it's not the water system in the house.

[Sam Talent]

No, no, no.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's probably like the. What? The fucking sanitary. Like all this shit. All the what? That's like.

[Ted Trolley]

Are you rinsing your dishes before you put them in the. In the dishwasher?

[Sam Talent]

Interesting question. I am now, but I. But forever. I wasn't no kid. It was a complete fool's errand. Just a waste of my precious time.

[Ted Trolley]

You gotta clean that trap.

[Kevin Ryan]

Nothing's better than. Yeah, yeah. That trap Out.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

There's nothing worse than opening a clean dishwasher and still being kind of dirty. Like, it was all for not. But if two hours behind where I.

[Sam Talent]

Could have been, I would rather put in a dirty dish. And then there's a little bit of schmutz on it still. I'd rather take it out and then wipe it off as opposed to sitting there in the kitchen for two seconds.

[Kevin Ryan]

I know. Yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

I'm big on this as a pretty dirtbag move. Let's say I kind of half know that the dishwasher is clean, but it's not full. If I have a dirty dish, I'll put it just. I won't unload it. I'll put it in there with the clean dishes and run that back.

[Sam Talent]

Okay.

[Ted Trolley]

I'll run it again.

[Sam Talent]

You'll do a whole full load. Except for one new addition.

[Ted Trolley]

Yes.

[Sam Talent]

That's nuts.

[Ted Trolley]

Yeah. Out of laziness of not taking. I'm not going to empty the dishwasher if there's still room in there.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

I'll just put. What. What can go in there in there and run it again.

[Sam Talent]

I mean I've done similar things, so I can't really. We're all in glass houses here.

[Kevin Ryan]

Or some would say a solarium.

[Ted Trolley]

You have a ferret in your dishwasher.

[Sam Talent]

You guys know Nick Rochford?

[Kevin Ryan]

I know the name. Maybe he was.

[Sam Talent]

He's one of Sam Hyde's buddies. He was in Million Dollar Extreme. Okay. I met him at Skank Fest. Was delighted. He runs this antique store, Chamonix house out of Rhode Island.

[Ted Trolley]

Okay.

[Sam Talent]

So he's. I went to his house and he has this couch there. They tell you guys about this couch already? No, dude, I. He got me a couch for a steal.

[Kevin Ryan]

He got you a couch?

[Sam Talent]

He went to this big time. I sat in this couch and I was like, this is nice. He's like, I got a guy like a new plate.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like it was like a. You went to like a. Whatever.

[Sam Talent]

Timothy Olton, which is like a high, high class. Get eyes on that leather goods. And I got this couch, white Bianco leather. And I got it for 60 off.

[Kevin Ryan]

White leather, new couch. You're too big for.

[Ted Trolley]

Is it anti.

[Sam Talent]

Too big to fail.

[Ted Trolley]

Is it a new couch or an antique?

[Sam Talent]

But he. There was like one gouge in the back of it. So he got it for like 60 off. I get it in the house. I'm like, honey, this is the most expensive thing I've ever purchased. It's a nine grand.

[Kevin Ryan]

What?

[Sam Talent]

The most money I've ever spent on anything thing.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. That was after 60%. Holy.

[Sam Talent]

I've never disclosed the number. I know. So guess where it is now. Trash in the basement near the ham.

[Kevin Ryan]

What?

[Sam Talent]

It's been relegated cuz it's not comfy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Those rich people don't like being comfortable.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. They want to sit like this.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Go over and look over their files.

[Sam Talent]

They have Luke posture.

[Kevin Ryan]

I know. Yeah. Luke's probably sitting on one of those Timothy Olafan chairs.

[Sam Talent]

Sitting on one of those sex pairs.

[Ted Trolley]

Right now you need a nice Raymore and Flanagan sectional with the. With the cup holders in it. That's what you need.

[Kevin Ryan]

And now. And the USB chargers. You can plug in fucking and scroll while you're there.

[Sam Talent]

I will never have cup holders in a piece of furniture.

[Kevin Ryan]

Why not?

[Sam Talent]

I think that, that, that really filled me with a horror.

[Ted Trolley]

That's the way to go.

[Sam Talent]

I understand, but I'm trying to create a vibe in the house and it's not.

[Ted Trolley]

Ham and ferret smell. What are we doing here?

[Sam Talent]

Look, man, I'm Blade.

[Kevin Ryan]

I can't get a picture of this house. Dude, this. Hilarious. The ham. You must come over, hit me up. Yeah, just in Detroit.

[Sam Talent]

I know I wasn't there.

[Kevin Ryan]

I know, I looked.

[Sam Talent]

I was gonna pop in on your happy asses because he's.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's rolling. He's always everywhere, you know, And I'm like, oh, he could. We could cross. Cross paths at some point.

[Sam Talent]

I was gonna pop in. I was not.

[Kevin Ryan]

We were a Pontiac.

[Ted Trolley]

Yeah, Pontiac, Michigan. Shut up to it.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. Where the silver dome used to be.

[Ted Trolley]

That's right.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay, so the cow now what did you. Where'd you get the new couch?

[Sam Talent]

My wife went over to my friend David Bore, a very funny comedian and he's a plus sized gentleman and she saw how well he was doing in his couch. She did.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sounds like it's a rehab center.

[Sam Talent]

My wife's always scanning.

[Ted Trolley]

Dude, she had him lay down, sit down, eat on the couch on his belly.

[Sam Talent]

Not.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, it's tummy time.

[Ted Trolley]

She stand on the other side of a two way mirror watching my co.

[Sam Talent]

Host for my pod show me behemoth Nathan Lund and my buddy Pat, who makes Wide World our travel show. They're both big men and they came to our house. Yes. And my wife hit me up. She's like, hey, you guys having fun? And I was like, yeah. And she's like, hey, just make sure you rotate them on the couches.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[Sam Talent]

What? And she's like, yeah, I don't want Lun leaving a dent and Pat leaving a dent. So make them like move around. Yeah, like that's how concerned she is with these couches.

[Ted Trolley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I pied we got back from the road on and I had all weekend by myself, kind of. And man, I put a dent in the couch. Does not have the same spring it had on Friday as it did this morning when I woke up.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, it sucks because you're sitting there and you're like, man, I love this where I live. I love that this is my couch. I go outside in the morning with my coffee and I look at the flowers and I say, that's my fucking flower.

[Kevin Ryan]

I do the same thing, you know?

[Sam Talent]

But then you're in that couch and you're just like, oh, no, the contours of my body have ruined this nice thing.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, man.

[Ted Trolley]

Fat people are gross, brother.

[Kevin Ryan]

Amen, sister.

[Sam Talent]

They should be in camps. I Think Ben Stiller made a movie about. Sure, yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

Did Heavyweights.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. And they just did it again in dodgeball. Same guy.

[Ted Trolley]

Similar.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Globo Gym.

[Ted Trolley]

Very similar.

[Sam Talent]

How deep does this white go? Yeah, very white. Goodman. Yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

You ever see those Instagram reels where they connect different characters to different universe and they try to make it like all the same person? Like, they say Dan Aykroyd in the Great Outdoors is the same character he is in Tommy Boy. He just, like, assumed a different identity than went to Chicago and started up in automotive parts and then became this. And there's a couple more things in there.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. In between the two movies, he hit a kid with his car and had to dry out.

[Ted Trolley]

Exactly. Exactly.

[Kevin Ryan]

Does that really happen?

[Sam Talent]

No, no, no.

[Ted Trolley]

We're riffing.

[Kevin Ryan]

I feel like that did happen with. But no, no, no, totally not.

[Ted Trolley]

I feel like Sam ran somebody over.

[Kevin Ryan]

Luke Gunning.

[Ted Trolley]

All we found was little pieces of.

[Sam Talent]

Ham, and they were rotten. They smelled like propane. Could only be one person.

[Ted Trolley]

We're looking for the Guanciale Bandit.

[Sam Talent]

I love Guanciale. You give me that neck meat.

[Ted Trolley]

Who doesn't?

[Sam Talent]

I'm happy. My wife hates it.

[Ted Trolley]

Really?

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

What does she like that you eat pussy?

[Sam Talent]

She loves lentils. She's always trying to eat new garbanzo beans.

[Ted Trolley]

Yeah, lentils.

[Sam Talent]

She's gonna live forever.

[Ted Trolley]

There you go.

[Sam Talent]

She's gonna leave a real hot body after I'm dead. Some 19 year old.

[Ted Trolley]

Oh, yeah, she got the couch. Will that couch go up in value?

[Sam Talent]

I doubt it. Not after what me and my crew were doing to it. We're pressure testing it down there.

[Ted Trolley]

Is that where you hang out is the basement? Is that your turf?

[Sam Talent]

I do my projects down there. There's a room in our house where me and my niece are allowed to just like, paint on the walls and go crazy. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, emmy, I need a room where I can fuck it up. And then she was nice enough to give me the two sinks next to the dishwasher, and they're just wrecked with paint and like. Yeah, she's been very big about. About 40 square feet of this house. She's been very generous with.

[Kevin Ryan]

How many fridges you got in this place?

[Sam Talent]

We only have one. One for brand new fridge. It's awesome. Has crushed ice.

[Ted Trolley]

Open up the. Open up this way.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, this way.

[Ted Trolley]

Nice. Okay.

[Sam Talent]

And then people just keep bringing me hash. So there's like a whole like what? Well, it's. It's. It's Detroit, so people will bring me hash all the time.

[Kevin Ryan]

Why?

[Ted Trolley]

I don't think in Detroit, the Lebanese.

[Sam Talent]

Influence on Michigan has made the hash, like, the best in the world.

[Ted Trolley]

Huh?

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, I know. I'm learning all this gyros ain't bad.

[Kevin Ryan]

I didn't even know there was a Lebanese influence.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. Dearborn, where my wife's from, is like the number one Lebanese, just Muslim population in America.

[Kevin Ryan]

Really?

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Per cat. It's got to be per capita.

[Sam Talent]

I probably per capita. Yeah, I bet. Queens.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm not sure what that is, but.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, I think Luke's got to count on every one of them. He knows where they are.

[Ted Trolley]

Queens is big. I hear the call to prayer every day.

[Sam Talent]

Do you?

[Ted Trolley]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

God, that call to prayer, man. I was staying in Paris one time where they had a call to prayer and just wakes you up at fucking the sun. You're like, oh, I'm glad everyone's.

[Ted Trolley]

I heard a church bells, too.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

Very diverse. My neighborhood in Queens.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, it's a beautiful place.

[Ted Trolley]

Get whatever you need.

[Sam Talent]

Hamtramck. Similar in Detroit, where it's like all of them. You got every one of them?

[Ted Trolley]

Sure.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. You can get a Yemeni coffee and you can get pierogies. Yeah. And boy, the toilet. You need two toilets for that one.

[Ted Trolley]

One and a half bath ain't gonna help you there.

[Sam Talent]

No. You need an old priest and a young priest.

[Ted Trolley]

Talk about riding sidesaddle.

[Sam Talent]

Yikes. You'd have to throw the saddle away and put the toilet down. They sent it to the glue factory.

[Ted Trolley]

All right.

[Sam Talent]

Okay.

[Ted Trolley]

Let's get to some cues.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. God forbid, we just keep having fun.

[Kevin Ryan]

I know, right? Guys, as you know, when you join the old Patreon, we will answer your garbage question on the air. A couple of big boys on this episode, myself included, from all the toast. Ever wait at the buffet for something to be restocked?

[Sam Talent]

Oh, crab legs just there. Fucking boxing out old Chinese women. I'm fucking Rodman in the paint, dude. Yeah. Yep.

[Kevin Ryan]

I remember at the cafeteria in college, that was a big. Waiting for them. They would drop pizza. And I love bad pizza. Yeah, man, it was such bad. I would just fucking circle. I'd be, like, looking at the fruit.

[Ted Trolley]

Try to act cool, like you're hanging out. What's going on? You guys going to the party later?

[Kevin Ryan]

What's up, ladies?

[Sam Talent]

There is an etiquette where you're, like, circling, waiting for whatever the crab legs in my instance to come. And you just, like. You keep looking at the jello squares like, this guy really wants to know. What? How many fucking jello squares are in there.

[Kevin Ryan]

Feel like a fat idiot if you're just standing there, right? You're like, I'm doing something.

[Ted Trolley]

You know if they're putting out the protein shake soon or you guys know what's going on with them.

[Sam Talent]

You guys give out tee shots. That's why I'm here. Even fatter move. They bring you to your table, and then you kind of like, you think, we could get this table, and it's the one closest to the crab legs. Yeah. So you position yourself in the vicinity of what you want.

[Kevin Ryan]

Smart. Location, location, location. Any. Any good realtor worth their salt.

[Sam Talent]

I'll tell you, dude, I lived in Vegas when that shooting happened. And it was all hands on deck. The city came together to donate blood. And at the casino, by us. If you donated blood, you got a free buffet coupon. So, boy, howdy, was I donating blood.

[Kevin Ryan]

You were down to 140 pounds.

[Sam Talent]

Oh, yeah. I was putting a mustache on. I had a monocle.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sucking them dry.

[Ted Trolley]

The Translucent man is back.

[Sam Talent]

Hey, that jellyfish guy's here.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's a shame what they did.

[Ted Trolley]

Can see the crab legs in your stomach.

[Sam Talent]

Vegas strong.

[Ted Trolley]

Holy shit. I didn't know you lived in Vegas.

[Sam Talent]

I did. I lived in Vegas.

[Ted Trolley]

Look at this guy.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's how we knew the fucking Dan Cortez Casino.

[Sam Talent]

Mm. Yeah. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

From Mr. Which you did. I never brought it up to you. I don't think I did. Did one of the trashiest things I ever saw at the Black. No, he did. At the blackjack table. I respect and I've been there, but it was just like. I mean, we were at the blackjack table. It was me, you, Foley. I forget who else. Maybe Tommy. Tommy Pope.

[Sam Talent]

Tommy was there?

[Ted Trolley]

Yeah, Tommy Pope.

[Kevin Ryan]

And so we're there. We're having it. We're having a day. It's. I mean, night at this. Yeah, you know, we're laughing, we're screaming, we're having a good time. Beers galore. Like, we're up. Sig crushing eaters. And I need.

[Sam Talent]

I think. I think Tommy was on something as well. Yeah, he was. Molly Cyrus that evening.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't think it was Tully more too.

[Sam Talent]

No, he was the Pink Pony Club. Club.

[Kevin Ryan]

Is that what that is?

[Ted Trolley]

Got to the Pink Pony Club.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

Who's that? Chapel Roan.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

See, I know what's going on, but.

[Kevin Ryan]

I needed a Sig and. Were you smoking menthols at one point?

[Sam Talent]

Was American Spirit dark green.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, and I bummed one off him at. This is at like 3am yeah, you were cross eyed. I'm 100 cigs deep already on the day. This is gang fest. We are up.

[Sam Talent]

And you're a bit of a handful at the tables, too. You have a way of talking to people that scares Sam.

[Ted Trolley]

Thank you.

[Sam Talent]

I think you mouthed off to the dealer and Foley grabbed my leg onto the table.

[Ted Trolley]

Wow. See, you've been fucking calling me a liar.

[Kevin Ryan]

I never called you a liar.

[Ted Trolley]

I said that all this time. Finally, I got somebody to back me up.

[Kevin Ryan]

This guy don't know he's got ham in his house.

[Sam Talent]

You made me flinch, by the way you talk to these professionals.

[Ted Trolley]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

Wait, so what was the gross thing I did?

[Kevin Ryan]

No, I, I. You gave. You bummed me a C. Yeah. And then I couldn't. I couldn't get it down. I mean, I'll do the American spear of menthol.

[Ted Trolley]

That's like an ied. Yeah. In the wee hours of the night, ye stepping on a booby trap.

[Sam Talent]

That's a red dot on your forehead.

[Kevin Ryan]

And I start coming, like. It's like, hitting me like that. I'm getting the hiccups.

[Ted Trolley]

Cold sweats. Hit you, Dude. That queasy feeling in your stomach, it's like you got the bends.

[Sam Talent]

It's like you just surface.

[Kevin Ryan]

I gotta go sit in the chamber, man.

[Ted Trolley]

Holy. Somebody hit you with a menthol?

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. Yeah. A menthol in the wild is a tough one if you're not expecting it, dude.

[Kevin Ryan]

And I'm like. It's, like, thick when you're blowing it. It feels like you can feel a leaving your teeth.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

And I go. I remember putting it out, like, closing my eye, being like, I can't. I got, like, two or three dragons. I'm like, I can't do it. But. So he goes, what are you doing? That's still good. He took it out of the ashtray and put it in his pack.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm gonna act like this didn't happen.

[Ted Trolley]

Man, that thing stinks.

[Kevin Ryan]

I get it.

[Sam Talent]

You can't bury something that's from the dirt. I mean, do you remember back in the day being super poor and, like, hanging out in front of movie theaters and just taking snipes? Yeah, I had. I had, like, a Ziploc bag full of snipes for, like, three years.

[Kevin Ryan]

Snipes for three years?

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. And I would just have snipes. And then if you didn't have any Sigs, you just roll them in Bible paper and you had Sigs.

[Kevin Ryan]

Throw up.

[Sam Talent]

Well, hey, man, I was trying to.

[Kevin Ryan]

Live, you know, either get busy living or get busy Dying. Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

You don't need to sleep when you're.

[Kevin Ryan]

Driving all the time. I just remember being like, that move at that time. I was just like, that's crazy.

[Ted Trolley]

If you smoked it right then and there.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. You're like, I'll take it. But it went back in the pack.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, it was also. We were real thin on cigs. I was out of Sig. He was probably. I was. If I'm smoking an American spirit Menthol at 3am that's the only Sig available. So you were probably down to like, I got three or four left. Yeah, I'm gonna need them.

[Sam Talent]

I'm a dust bowl farmer at that point. You're just torching my crops, but, boy, do you want some wheat tomorrow. Yeah, it was.

[Ted Trolley]

Rain won't grow out here.

[Sam Talent]

You remember when we were at that table and that fucking, like, psycho honey guy, that beekeeper dude, just took a chair from our friend, and we were like, hey, man. Like, he's sitting here. And he's like, looks like I'm sitting here. No, we just sat at the table with this guy that none of us wanted to be around because we wanted our buddy to be there. He was a nice guy, but it was like.

[Kevin Ryan]

I just remember, like, he was a beekeeper.

[Sam Talent]

I think he was. I think he ran an apiary or something.

[Kevin Ryan]

Dude, I don't even know. I mean, it totally could. I could have been the dealer at one point.

[Ted Trolley]

You weren't a little Molly Shanahan.

[Kevin Ryan]

I could have been yelling at my. Myself.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, you were in a mirror, you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Ugly, bald piece of. Your mother never loved you, Kippy.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, man. But, yes, I have. I have staked out a buffet for sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

This one's just funny. This is for Mac. $10, homie. Are you garbage. If clean out the garage, you find your Social Security card. That's. I mean, do you know where yours is at the moment?

[Sam Talent]

No. Oh, I do. My dad has it.

[Ted Trolley]

Just in case.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, I have my passport. I know my. I know my number.

[Ted Trolley]

Okay.

[Sam Talent]

When do you need your Social Security?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Find out what the need for a Social Security card is anymore.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, it's like getting a birth certificate.

[Kevin Ryan]

We were also at the. I'm of the age where it was like, you had it. You had it. Like, we took it to, like, when you applied for a job, it was like, bring your social.

[Sam Talent]

Really?

[Kevin Ryan]

Your license and Social Security card.

[Sam Talent]

You never needed it once as, like, a teenager?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, you would need it to prove who you were, I guess. For tax purposes, maybe.

[Ted Trolley]

I don't Know, it's funny because I have to show mine at the buffet when I go.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, to make sure you're not two people.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're not three guys in a trench coat.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hey, are you really H Roll or you just three guys in a Hawaiian T shirt?

[Sam Talent]

What I am is a paying customer. Pay.

[Ted Trolley]

No, never mind to that.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, no, I always thought you, like, had to have your Social Security card, like, hidden. My mom kept it. Yeah, like, mine's hidden fireproof safe of some kind.

[Kevin Ryan]

Mine is. I don't know where it is exactly, but every time I'm cleaning out something that is like a safe place, whether it's in like my sock, like a box in my sock drawer, like something in a filing cabinet, it is. It is in a safe place somewhere. I just don't know where it is. The last time I had to use it was probably for my wife's green card. Like when we got married.

[Ted Trolley]

I had to shears all fucked up.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, dude.

[Kevin Ryan]

I used to keep it in my wallet at time in college. I think I had it on me at one point.

[Sam Talent]

Mine was laminated. And then my mom tried to use it for something and they said they couldn't accept a laminated card. So now mine's like ripped and destroyed.

[Ted Trolley]

I was gonna say, can you unlaminate something?

[Sam Talent]

She did. I remember not. Well, steam it. I remember her like standing like over, like. Remember when you from catch me if you. Pretty much, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Frank Abagnale.

[Sam Talent]

My mom's a. She had her fingers in a lot of pots.

[Ted Trolley]

Pan Am sticker on it. Kid, what do you know about factor factor factor factor. Do you like delicious meals ready to eat? You just got to throw them in the microwave, heat them up a little bit.

[Kevin Ryan]

What am I, a bozo?

[Ted Trolley]

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[Kevin Ryan]

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[Ted Trolley]

Do it. Get what's talking about Mint Mobile Shout.

[Kevin Ryan]

Out to Mint Mobile gang.

[Ted Trolley]

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[Kevin Ryan]

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[Ted Trolley]

Do it. I used to love boiling my mouth guard at the beginning of the year. That was the best.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah yeah yeah. It felt good. That was my mom with the Social Security thing. Did you ever did now the kids now have different mouth cards every Game.

[Ted Trolley]

Yes.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, but I had that same one, and you had that same chew on.

[Kevin Ryan]

It in the middle. It would be gone.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like your teeth would be touching.

[Sam Talent]

What about the strap on the helmet?

[Ted Trolley]

What about it?

[Sam Talent]

I would leave mine undone. What, purposefully? Yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

Chuck, Ben and Eric.

[Sam Talent]

Pretty much. Yeah. Yeah. I was Bronson.

[Ted Trolley]

They didn't say anything to you?

[Sam Talent]

What are they going to say?

[Ted Trolley]

Put your chin strap on.

[Sam Talent]

Yes, sir. I can't get a demerit because I want to be all league again. Yeah, no kidding.

[Ted Trolley]

I had my chin strap always buckled up.

[Sam Talent]

Oh. It was like the tough guy move. Like, no chin strap.

[Ted Trolley]

No kidding.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. It is a tough guy move.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

I don't know who it was for. I don't think CTE move, too, for sure. Yeah. My brain's bad.

[Ted Trolley]

So you end up wandering around a buffet waiting for the crab legs.

[Sam Talent]

Oh, no. Sam's sundowning again. He thinks there's crap legs.

[Ted Trolley]

Sam, that's a car dealership.

[Sam Talent]

I'm just nodding.

[Kevin Ryan]

We used to. We didn't have to wear them. And we played hockey. And then one year they made you. It was like, I guess, I don't know, statewide or whatever. All kids have to wear it, so everybody cut them just to show. Here. It just covered your front two teeth and wasn't in the back.

[Ted Trolley]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

So you were, like, faking it now?

[Ted Trolley]

I always wanted to have mine in because I didn't want to, because I got hit a couple of times and it. That you could. Bit down on your teeth.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

It hurt like a. Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

God forbid your jaw moves backwards on the hinge. Yeah, that made me throw up. Yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

I don't want to. My teeth up that in a cup I always wore.

[Sam Talent]

I never work up once.

[Ted Trolley]

Yeah. I got hit in the balls with a lacrosse ball. That would.

[Sam Talent]

Lacrosse would make sense. Projectile sports makes sense, but. Yeah. Yeah. And I remember, dude. Like, just grabbing people's sacks.

[Ted Trolley]

No, kid.

[Sam Talent]

Oh, yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

During the game.

[Sam Talent]

Or getting in the armpit hair. If you were on for pat and the kids are growing up to block it. You grab their armpit hair and yank it out, they're never going up again.

[Ted Trolley]

Jesus Christ.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. Yes. Huh?

[Ted Trolley]

What kind of football were you playing? Although my uncle who played for Villanova in the 70s, told me that they.

[Sam Talent]

Used to take shave points. The fix was in a little sick that day.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's the kicker. He's smoking. Okay.

[Sam Talent]

His shoes on the wrong feet.

[Kevin Ryan]

Played in this.

[Ted Trolley]

I don't know if this was in high school. It's all black and white, but I remember him telling me a story that they used to take a bottle cap, and they would pinch it, you know, like, put it in. Yeah. And they put it in their sock. And when they got into a pile, they would scratch each other's face in the longest yard.

[Sam Talent]

What?

[Kevin Ryan]

That's fucking. Yeah. They're all wearing brass knuckles.

[Ted Trolley]

Scratch your cheek.

[Kevin Ryan]

What?

[Ted Trolley]

Yeah, golly.

[Sam Talent]

There's. There's all these, like, stories of, like, pile trauma. Like, grab an ankle and spinning it. I was never in a pile long enough to pull out a. To gig someone, you know, to get color in the pile.

[Ted Trolley]

Hearing that, I was like, damn.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, that's. That's a bit much.

[Kevin Ryan]

What do you got on Social Security cards?

[D]

I. It seems like you only need the card itself if you're correcting a Social Security number that's already on file. Like, if they mess it up in.

[Kevin Ryan]

The system, but that they become that. Obsolete.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[D]

Like, they say, new jobs, some benefits. But I have. I mean, I've never had to do it for a job.

[Sam Talent]

You don't have a Social Security number, Right?

[Kevin Ryan]

We didn't ask for your Social Security card when you started working here. That's crazy.

[Ted Trolley]

Did we not?

[Kevin Ryan]

What? Dude, there is no pay. I mean, there's handshake Deal. Yeah. We're all handshake. And then our business matters. Like, that is crazy. Like, why has he got us this far?

[Sam Talent]

You just go like this.

[Ted Trolley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like, I don't know, man. It's working.

[Ted Trolley]

He's a good kid.

[Kevin Ryan]

Come over here. Start counting my pennies. He doesn't like when I trash him. I'll get attacked. I heard the cigar episode. Oh, my God. Sorry about that. All right, let's see. This is another. A little food heavy. Okay. This is from Savage Pimp 83. No clue if this has ever been said, but spoon or fork for Mac and cheese?

[Ted Trolley]

Interesting question.

[Kevin Ryan]

Obviously, if it's a portion on a. On a plate, you're gonna just be eating with a fork. Usually if you're out somewhere or whatever, but if I'm by myself, I might just go big tablespoon.

[Sam Talent]

Mr. Talent, are you eating Mac and cheese by yourself doing that?

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, I have in the past a lot.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. Well, here's my issue. Is it what. Who's making the Mac and cheese? Because if it's, like, white person Mac and cheese that's kind of, like, soupy and runny. You want a spoon? Sure. Because you want to scrape all the delicious Velveeta goo off the bottom. But if you're eating, like, a Classic black Mac and cheese that's as thick as the pot is long. You need. You need a fucking fork to chop.

[Kevin Ryan]

Off the corner, I'll give you that. It's got more of a fucking texture to it.

[Sam Talent]

Yes. I will say this. In White Lotus, they're eating the Thai style with the spoon and the fork. And I've been emulating that and I love it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wait, so you're just going one and one.

[Sam Talent]

You get a spoon, you get a fork. If you need to chop or poke, if you want to scoop.

[Kevin Ryan]

I've always been anti knife. If I got a. I have too.

[Sam Talent]

Unless it's steak.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes. You can accomplish everything with a fork or a spoon.

[Ted Trolley]

Wait, hold on. What are you talking about? I haven't seen this season of White Lotus. What do you mean?

[Sam Talent]

So they have a spoon and then they have a fork?

[Ted Trolley]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

And then when they're eating stuff, there's like a pull apart if you need to. For, like the chicken.

[Kevin Ryan]

They work together.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. Yeah, they work.

[Ted Trolley]

Thai people do this. Mm.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

They don't use chopsticks.

[Sam Talent]

So that's the thing is. I thought they were chopstick people.

[Ted Trolley]

Huh.

[Sam Talent]

I don't know if you're supposed to say chopstick people, but yeah, I understood what you meant. Thank you. But, yeah. So, like, when we eat a lot of Thai food and I was always asked for chopsticks, and they were like, we don't have those.

[Ted Trolley]

No kidding.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here. So in Thailand, most common utensils for eating are fork and spoon, while chopstick are used for certain noodle dishes. Like, not gonna try it and bah me. Fork and spoon are used primarily utensils for Thai meals. The fork is used to push food onto the spoon, which goes to the mouth. Now we're talking.

[Sam Talent]

That's where it goes.

[Kevin Ryan]

I've been shoving it up my ass.

[Ted Trolley]

Because this is gonna sound very fat.

[Sam Talent]

No, you're safe. You're with me.

[Ted Trolley]

My predominant mode vehicle of sandwich eating is the spoon.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, me too.

[Ted Trolley]

I do enjoy the spoon.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't think it's the easiest for Chinese food. It's. The less you can shake on it. There's no. There's holes in a fucking fork.

[Sam Talent]

Also, the concave nature of the spoon makes it better for cutting than the fork. Is. Is the spoon's actually a better cutter?

[Ted Trolley]

It is. He's right.

[Kevin Ryan]

We're getting to the bottom of it. I might start doing that. But if you go.

[Sam Talent]

It's built like a shovel. Shovels are built getting into the.

[Kevin Ryan]

Somebody has that bit. I think it's Mr.

[Sam Talent]

Pants? Probably.

[Kevin Ryan]

I think it's Seinfeld. He's like, you work all day with a shovel till in the field, and you go home and you try to eat with chopsticks.

[Sam Talent]

It was. It was. It was easier back then.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. You're not.

[Ted Trolley]

Yeah. Like, you ever get, like, one at, like. Like, a thin, shitty fork? Yeah, and they're, like, real thin. It's. You can't get a good plastic spork.

[Sam Talent]

Get it out of here. I'm snapping off that tine and I'm so busy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Tine? That's what it's called?

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. When you get plastic fork and you snap it off, odds are I'm eating that fucking tine because I didn't notice it snapped.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm with you.

[Sam Talent]

You know how many times I've been in a food court and accidentally ate plastic? Enough that it's a story.

[Ted Trolley]

What do you mean? What's the tine?

[Kevin Ryan]

I'll bring it up.

[Sam Talent]

The time is the three prongs that go off the floor.

[Kevin Ryan]

The prong is a time.

[Sam Talent]

Man.

[Ted Trolley]

You are a writer. It's pretty good.

[Kevin Ryan]

I thought Ty was maybe in your intellectual circles. You roll in.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. Hamtown.

[Ted Trolley]

Yeah, Hamtown, usa.

[Kevin Ryan]

Listen, I tell everybody I read your book. I actually listened to it.

[Sam Talent]

That counts. Braille counts. Listening counts.

[Ted Trolley]

It was told to me secondhand.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I would come in every morning.

[Sam Talent]

You had it read to you then last night? Yeah, I'm big on the spoon. I think this.

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, that's good. And then I guess you can. Now, let's say you.

[Ted Trolley]

You're.

[Kevin Ryan]

You know, we're. We're in New York right now. Let's say after this, we go out to a nice dinner. Are you gonna ask for a spoon? If it's.

[Sam Talent]

I'd love to.

[Kevin Ryan]

I know. Are you gonna ask?

[Ted Trolley]

No, not at a restaurant.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm asking. Well, why. Stop that. Why not just be comfortable and efficient and eat how you want to eat if the.

[Sam Talent]

Usually the spoon's in the roll up.

[Kevin Ryan]

True.

[Sam Talent]

I'm not in a lot of places where I have to ask for a spoon.

[Kevin Ryan]

Really?

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

The spoon's in the roll up. Where are you eating? That's prison shit. What do you mean, the spoon and the roll up?

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't know.

[Sam Talent]

You know the roll up, Right? Like the napkin roll.

[Ted Trolley]

Of course.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

There's.

[Sam Talent]

All three are in there.

[Ted Trolley]

No knife.

[Sam Talent]

Really?

[Ted Trolley]

That's crazy talk. Oh, I'm out there that's saying quit.

[Sam Talent]

And this is too far.

[Ted Trolley]

That sink. Sink. You got your spoon in Your pocket.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's a telescopic one. It goes long.

[Sam Talent]

No, I'm just rubbing it against the concrete to prep myself.

[Ted Trolley]

You got a baby bird in the other pocket.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, I was riffing on the Latin Kings pretty hard last night, boys.

[Kevin Ryan]

I got it.

[Ted Trolley]

Yeah, what do you got?

[D]

Spoon seems to be the rarer addition out of the two.

[Ted Trolley]

Yes.

[Sam Talent]

I feel like I've never had to ask for a spoon. And if there's not a spoon, I'm not being like, hey, I don't know how to eat. Now I can figure it out.

[Ted Trolley]

Korean barbecue, I use predominantly a spoon.

[Sam Talent]

They have that long metal spoon too. Yeah, yeah. I mean, if someone starts reaching, you can slap their hands with it.

[Ted Trolley]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

Those spoons had to be outlawed, those spoons, because we go to Korean barbecue a lot with my friends in Denver. Those spoons had to be outlawed in the same way that, like, pantsing people had to be outlawed.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[Sam Talent]

In my early 20s.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, in your early 20s you were pantsing people.

[Sam Talent]

I remember being at, like, weddings.

[Kevin Ryan]

That should be weddings.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

When was the last time you pants someone or been pants?

[Sam Talent]

Well, my 20 years coming up and mom already. My friends are like, so are we. Is it. Is there a truce being called?

[Kevin Ryan]

Is treaty still intact?

[Sam Talent]

We're almost all 40. Are we gonna be? Well, the worst one was the pants and the push. You ever get pants and push? That was the big move. Yeah, you work, dude.

[Kevin Ryan]

Laying on the ground, hanging brain at a wedding is a tough one.

[Sam Talent]

And it's even better because there's that moment where you go over where you're like, well, my pants are down. And then you look up and you see your underwear. Or with my dirtbag friend, just your revealed balls.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's also like, man, my pants fell down. I'm. This could not get anywhere. And they get the wind knocked out of you.

[Ted Trolley]

You're hustling, you Biff Tannen.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's crazy, dude. I remember learning at an early age, I almost got got on the playground. I was wearing basketball shorts to school.

[Sam Talent]

Oh, no.

[Kevin Ryan]

And basketball shorts, you're begging for it. And they went. Someone got me from behind. And I was. I was able to get my front. So just my ass got out. Yeah, I was able to save. Save the tiddly wing.

[Sam Talent]

Your honor, did you see how he was dressed?

[Kevin Ryan]

And, dude, from then on, I'm doing, like, two belts, tight pair of quarters. You ain't getting these.

[Ted Trolley]

You would have been called Kevin Mangina for the rest of high school.

[Sam Talent]

Oh, for sure. The chod.

[Ted Trolley]

I wish the little Guy. Little big man. Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hi, buddy. Had a great line when we asked him if you got pants right, what would happen? Are you a grit? Somebody's talking to you. A grower's joe or anyone. If I got pants right now, I'd have to switch schools. Yeah, buddy, I feel you.

[Ted Trolley]

I'd move for sure.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, it is funny that moment of you're like, well, this is surely the bottom of my day.

[Kevin Ryan]

This is the worst of my mom.

[Sam Talent]

There's no way this could get worse. Then you've ruined the one jacket you have in the mud at your fucking rodeo wedding you're at.

[Kevin Ryan]

I fell at a wedding one time was so up. And it was one of those ones it's down in Fishtown in. In Philadelphia as like an event space. It used to be like a warehouse. So the floor was concrete. Like, the whole floor was concrete, like, but smooth, like redone finished concrete.

[Sam Talent]

Roller ring concrete.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes. And I got.

[Ted Trolley]

I don't know, sounds like a classy affair.

[Kevin Ryan]

I got four IPAs just hit. I got like 15 IPAs at me. Didn't know they were heavier than R reg, you know, normal.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

And man, it was one of those where, like, it feels like that that GoPro's on you. And the floor came up to me.

[Sam Talent]

Oh, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I did not move, dude. And next thing you know, I'm just looking up and every people's grandmoms are like, what the hell's wrong with this?

[Ted Trolley]

Yeah, is he doing the worm?

[Sam Talent]

My dad passed out at my sister's wedding. He got too high. And then there was like three minutes of our. Of the wedding where we were like, I wonder if my dad's dead. You know, we're like dancing.

[Kevin Ryan]

I think it'll be all right.

[Ted Trolley]

Got too high.

[Sam Talent]

My dad got too high. And then all that. So then he's fine, obviously. And then my sister's like, you ruined my wedding.

[Ted Trolley]

To you?

[Sam Talent]

No, to my dad. We thought you were dead for a big part of the speeches, old man.

[Ted Trolley]

It was during the speeches.

[Sam Talent]

No, no, it was towards the end of the evening. But yeah, he did succumb to his own vice. And he was just on the ground. And my wife's a doctor, and she was like, went over there, you know.

[Kevin Ryan]

Booger passing out for more weed.

[Ted Trolley]

Some good.

[Kevin Ryan]

My cousin was younger. He was probably like an early teen, you know, whatever. Maybe like 14 or something. He ate a cookie that had a peanut in there at my brother's wedding, man. And they came, they rushed, like full blown cops, you know, ambulance.

[Ted Trolley]

It's your Brother's wedding and no one.

[Kevin Ryan]

Gave a. Dude, he was like, out. He wasn't in the room anymore. He was like, out in the hallway. Dude, no.

[Ted Trolley]

You.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right, all right. Just like, back to bumping and grinding.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, you just grab him by his air forces, drag him into the hall. You put him underneath that flag. At half mast in the vfw where all of the weddings in your family take place.

[Kevin Ryan]

This is a classy affair.

[Sam Talent]

I can't believe you remember the concrete in the wedding hall.

[Kevin Ryan]

Ah, yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

That was laying under a Don't Tread on Me flag. Everybody salutes him. Goes back to the dancer.

[Sam Talent]

One guy freaks out because he's underneath an American flag. And he remembers all of his buddies, funerals.

[Ted Trolley]

Starts losing it. Fold up an Eagles flag. Give it to your mom.

[Kevin Ryan]

He was a good kid. They're doing that thing where they're walking into each other.

[Ted Trolley]

Go birth 20, 21. Bump. Salute.

[Kevin Ryan]

Pushed it too far.

[Sam Talent]

It was good.

[Ted Trolley]

Thank you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Just time it, time it.

[Sam Talent]

That's my favorite part of the show is where you go, nothing on that, nothing on that. And it's like. Like there was maybe a third of a second for the joke to hit and you're already reeling.

[Ted Trolley]

Panic sets in quick.

[Sam Talent]

Oh, I understand.

[Ted Trolley]

Time moves slow behind a microphone.

[Sam Talent]

It's all bullet time for you. You're Max Payne.

[Ted Trolley]

It's like interstellar.

[Kevin Ryan]

Now, I know me and Foley don't have this, but out there in the Great Plains with you, maybe this is from foley's discarded box. $10, homie. Never had one race. Have you or anyone in your family lived and lived an extended period of time in an rv? Bonus points if that was in a driveway of a home.

[Sam Talent]

So we had an old, broken down rv, like, on our property, and we'd play in there.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's fun, right?

[Sam Talent]

But, like, remember the seats, like, underneath the seat covers in those old RVs, whatever they stuff those seats with was toxic to skin.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[Sam Talent]

So you'd be in there being like, I'm driving the school bus. And then you go inside and it looks like you're exposed to Agent Orange.

[Kevin Ryan]

She got stung by bees.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, Yeah. I remember coming inside and like, having to, like, my mom being like, God damn it. And just like going into the shower and then standing there and like, a bunch of just orange dust was all over.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

We've come across a pretty good amount of the bozos and the homies at the shows, and we love that they share it where that is the case. More than a few of we live a young couple we live in an RV on my mom, in my mom's driveway.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's usually bouncing back. They're getting their shit together or divorce, you know, someone moves out to like your dad's like, fuck you. I'm just gonna. I already got the house and the rv. I'll just live in the rv. Yeah, that's. That's not great anytime. And I didn't have a lot of time in an rv. I had my. My stepdad's dad had one that we would use and stay in and I loved it. It was like, it's fun. It was like the coolest thing that we ever fucking had. My mom hated it, but I liked it.

[Ted Trolley]

What would you play in there? What would you play in the rv? Because I remember when I was a kid at my dad's softball game, all the kids would sometimes go to one of the parents cars and we would play family.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

Like I'm the dad driving. What do you play in a broken down rv? You playing like zombie apocalypse or end of the world?

[Sam Talent]

I think house.

[Ted Trolley]

House.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's kind of house. Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

There's like cabinets and a little fridge and a sink, you know.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. You're doing dishes.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

You got a smelly dishwasher.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

Playing a poor family.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. We were just playing the same thing as my other house. But I'm in charge. Fruit roll ups are anytime. You know, it's weird.

[Ted Trolley]

Like, you're coming in. I got laid off again today.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

What?

[Sam Talent]

Honey, we're ruined. It's my sister. She starts fake crying. The 180 on like living in a van or an RV when we were young, it's like, oh man, you know, it'll turn around. But now it's like all these kids live in the. Because first of all, it's the only financial legitimate choice they can make.

[Ted Trolley]

Sure.

[Sam Talent]

But then also it's like, yeah, we're freewheeling. All we need is each other and the national park pass.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

So I don't know. I know a lot of like people who currently live in vehicles, but it's as some kind of like, you know.

[Kevin Ryan]

Lifestyle on the road.

[Ted Trolley]

They do hook them up too. Look, they look really nice.

[Sam Talent]

For sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, Yeah, I do get it. As in the sense of like if you're like told, you know, you gotta go to college, you gotta do this, you gotta get in the system. And you're like, nah, I can fucking save up money, live off the grid. A decent, a decent amount. And like also then do like the gig economy to be like oh, I'll do this to earn cash and then hang out the rest of the day.

[Ted Trolley]

You don't got to go to college, Trust me.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, whatever you do, take it from me, A guy who took 18 years.

[Ted Trolley]

To graduate now look at a published author.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, I just. I. Yeah. Well, thank you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Kid can't even read.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, it's all ghost written.

[Ted Trolley]

Where else it was.

[Sam Talent]

It was Norm's last project.

[Ted Trolley]

It's all chat. GPT early edition. The beta version of that.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right, this. We have a time for a couple more here. This was from Foley is Foxy.

[Ted Trolley]

Hello.

[Kevin Ryan]

Must be a blind broad. Is it garbage to get hypnotized on a cruise ship? My aunt volunteered and was convinced she was a duck. She ran around on stage flapping and. Imagine her wings quacking like a maniac. She claimed she had no recollection when the hip hypnotist clapped his hands and brought her back to life.

[Ted Trolley]

What do you think about that same talent? Do you believe in that? I mean, obviously. Is that woman going along for the ride or is she actually set?

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, I think it's the ramification of, like, mass peer pressure because, like, I've. I used to open for, like, hypnotists occasionally. Like when I was doing the, like the Mountain time zone, there was a lot of hypnotist shows, and I would open and you'd sit there the whole time just trying to figure it out.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like, what? Is it real?

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. And like the whole thing is the guy would walk around the room and he'd just be like, watching people watch me. And he'd see people who he thought would be susceptible to.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

His witchcraft.

[Kevin Ryan]

They're picking out a mark.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. Yeah. So then they round him up. And then the thing is, you'd get like 15 people up there and there's a whittling down. So there's like four different games he would play before he had the final three. And those three will do whatever the fuck he wants, right? Yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

And. But they'll do it because they're hypnotized.

[Kevin Ryan]

Or because they're susceptible to it. They think they're. They're playing along. They think they're in a trance.

[Sam Talent]

It's like part of the show. And also this is their big moment. And they're on stage and they're being peer pressured in front of a bunch of people, typically in a small town, who they know, you know? So it's like all these different Venn diagrams swirling to create the perfect mark. And then you find that perfect mark and Then they'll quack like the duck or whatever.

[Ted Trolley]

I've always wanted to be hitman.

[Kevin Ryan]

What do you got?

[D]

Yeah, it seems to just be. It's a. A change in brain activity where you would you reduce the activity in the areas of like self reflection and task switching. So it's just like a deeper, deeply relaxed state where the person is high, highly receptive to suggestions.

[Sam Talent]

But that's like therapeutic hypnotism. That's like quitting smoking hypnotism. This is like, you know, there's a brisket buffet by the stage hypnotism.

[Ted Trolley]

Where's that at?

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, tell me. Carney, Nebraska.

[Ted Trolley]

So it does work. So it is real?

[Sam Talent]

I don't know. I think what he's describing, that's more like smoking.

[Kevin Ryan]

It couldn't even get like our hypnotist acts like, you know, a live show hypno. Do live show hypnotist or live show hypnotist.

[Ted Trolley]

Couldn't I be hypnotized not to eat?

[Kevin Ryan]

No, probably not.

[Sam Talent]

We would need to like have to.

[Kevin Ryan]

Bring in pen and tell her to get.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, we'd have to get Cthulhu involved.

[Ted Trolley]

Jedi Knight come from the outer rim.

[Kevin Ryan]

They used to do it at my junior high.

[Sam Talent]

What? Who was that? One of the gym teachers.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're not wrong. It was one of the. One of the assemblies each year was like this hypnotist would come in, he would get like 10 people up there and you know the, the stories you would hear. Cuz my brother had gone through the school and like, dude, it's crazy. Like, and I think the guy started getting a little naughty and like had like the girls dancing and stuff. And they, they, they axed it before I got there. Devastated. Dude, imagine being a seventh graders getting to see all the girls you're in love with twerking. Twerking or whatever on stage, taking their tops. That's wrong. What do you got?

[D]

Sam is right. So that was like more therapeutic. This. The stage acts are more peer pressure, social compliance and like suggestibility and like desire for attention.

[Sam Talent]

So more.

[Kevin Ryan]

You nailed it on the weapon.

[Ted Trolley]

Wow.

[Sam Talent]

I watched it a bunch, you know, as I'm back there, like, huh. So I got 100 bucks for this.

[Ted Trolley]

Yeah, you're back there clucking like a chicken.

[Sam Talent]

Oh yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

This is all.

[Sam Talent]

I'm back there battering myself. That shit, that shit's like. If you see that live, it's one of the best shows. It's like when you see like a magician, comedian, I love that.

[Kevin Ryan]

If they're right I watch one guy, he's. He's Staten island guy. I forget his name. Like, Gemini or something like that. And he came down to this show we were doing. Black mpa.

[Ted Trolley]

No.

[Sam Talent]

Oh.

[Kevin Ryan]

Old white. Old white Italian guy. And he comes, dude, in the first.

[Sam Talent]

First.

[Kevin Ryan]

The first half hour, he's like, just tell him I got here from Italy.

[Sam Talent]

I'm like, all right, you got it.

[Kevin Ryan]

So he's up there.

[Sam Talent]

The magic starts here, huh?

[Kevin Ryan]

He's doing I came in and character.

[Sam Talent]

I'm in on the act. Where's the box?

[Kevin Ryan]

So he comes up and he's doing very broken English. A word here and there, and then halfway through, just breaks his Staten island accent. He's like, I'm fucking. Get him with you.

[Sam Talent]

Classic.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like, corrupts, erupts in laughter.

[Sam Talent]

That's the classic, like, Asian comic move where they go up, you know, and they're like, well, you know what?

[Kevin Ryan]

I know. I know where you're going. Real chopsticks.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. And then, like, 12 minutes in, they're like, I'm just with y'all. And everyone's like, no way. And then they close, like, that's it for me. Yeah. And everyone's like, yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

God.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right, we gotta wrap it up, though. I know.

[Sam Talent]

Time flew by.

[Ted Trolley]

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Sam Talent. He's gonna be in the UK in May. You're gonna be where? Glasgow.

[Sam Talent]

Yep. London. Manchester.

[Ted Trolley]

Look at that. Then you're going over to Australia. Where are you going to be in Australia in June? July?

[Sam Talent]

Brisbane. Melbourne. Sydney. Perth. Auckland. We're adding Wellington. Auckland's, like, almost sold out.

[Kevin Ryan]

My favorite beef.

[Sam Talent]

There you go, man. Yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

Do yourself a favor. If you're over there in the UK, if you're in Australia, go see Mr. Sam Talent.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Ted Trolley]

The book running the light is out right now on Random House.

[Sam Talent]

Random House, put it out. It's available wherever. Buy it from your local bookstore. That helps them. It helps me.

[Ted Trolley]

Chubby Bohemia.

[Sam Talent]

Chubby Behemoth. Yep. That's our podcast, wide world on YouTube. The travel show Iowa City in Omaha next weekend.

[Ted Trolley]

A lot of fun, exciting stuff coming up, too.

[Sam Talent]

I just like making stuff with my buddies. You guys, great. We're the luckiest guys.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, we're blessed, buddy.

[Ted Trolley]

We love you.

[Sam Talent]

I love you guys very much.

[Ted Trolley]

And we hope to see you, Luke.

[Sam Talent]

I'm still on the fence, Hippie.

[Ted Trolley]

What do you got for him?

[Kevin Ryan]

Guys, we're over the road. New dates. Announcing very soon.

[Ted Trolley]

Big ones.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes. And then, guys, grab the card [e-mail]. we love you.

[Ted Trolley]

See you next week.

[Kevin Ryan]

Peace.