How To Ball On A Budget! w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Summary

Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Episode: How To Ball On A Budget! w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley
Date: September 25, 2025

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Overview

In this riotous family episode of Are You Garbage?, hosts H. Foley and Kevin Ryan delve into the ingenious and questionable ways people “ball on a budget”—from cooking chicken thighs in a motel air fryer to sneaking your own avocado into restaurants. With their classic banter, the duo dissect garbage behaviors, answer fan questions, and reflect on the creative, thrifty, and sometimes outright trashy choices that define their listeners and themselves. Filled with personal stories, cultural observations, and hilarious asides, the boys celebrate making it work, no matter how dirtbag the method.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Bargain-Trip Cooking: The Air Fryer Motel Saga

[04:25–12:24]

• Social Video Reaction: Foley and Ryan react to a viral video of a couple cooking marinated chicken breasts in an air fryer in their motel room in Wildwood, NJ.
  • Observations: They riff on the hygiene (or lack thereof), the ingenuity of traveling with an air fryer, and the dangers of cooking raw chicken “that close to your bed.”
  • Kevin: “Raw chicken in the bedroom is wild, dude.” [08:04]
  • Foley: “Just the splatter component alone.” [08:12]
• Comparisons to Childhood:
  • The hosts liken this innovation to their families boiling hot dogs in coolers for beach trips.
  • Foley: “This could be the start of a family tradition for these folks…a couple years the kids are running around, you know what I mean, stealing your wallet. Mom’s got some wings going on in the air fryer.” [11:00]
• Budgeting Strategy:
  • Bringing an air fryer is called “very innovative” for vacationing on a budget, especially for families.
  • Tips on rotating fridge and air fryer usage for snacks like Totino’s.

2. Making Ends Meet: Eating Cheap in the City

[15:35–16:42]

• Ryan shares how he’d budget in NYC: “I’d go, alright, I’ll spend $3 on lunch…that gives me a little more wiggle room if I gotta take a bigger swing at dinner.” [16:31]
• Tales of stretching a dollar with dollar slices, late-night deals, and meal planning.

3. Household Hacks & Subscriptions

[22:15–24:02]

• Fan question: Is it garbage to always sign up for and immediately cancel subscription services to snag the sign-up discount?
  • Foley: “Damn, I wish I was good with that shit.” [22:58]
  • Kevin explains his paper towel and toilet paper subscription—praising never running out at home.
  • Kevin: “They just come.” [23:47]

4. The Art of the Family Referral & Buying Discounted Services

[29:01–30:09]

• Foley reflects on family referral programs, home renovations, and insider deals:
  • “We were all…construction workers. So it was like, I know a guy who can get…you got a flooring guy…was all side work.” [29:15]
• Laughter over how “friends and family discounts” just mean they jack up the price then ‘discount’ it.

5. Garbage or Resourceful? Fan Questions

a. Declined Cards on Cheap Dates

[30:56–34:39]

• Is it garbage to have your card declined while buying $2.47 shamrock shakes?
  • The boys roast the situation, debating if such a move can be played off with dignity.
  • Ryan: “No one doesn’t expect you to have $2.50.” [32:14]
  • Excuses for a declined card include “working with magnets at 3M.”

b. Bringing Your Own Avocado to a Restaurant

[39:00–49:46]

• Girlfriend's dad brings his own avocado everywhere—even to Ruth’s Chris or Denny’s.
  • Foley: “You can’t do that shit. That’s just putting everybody in an awkward position.” [39:07]
  • The hosts debate if it’s worse at Denny’s or a fine-dining spot; agree it’s selfish and makes life tough for servers.
  • Personal anecdotes on sneaking yogurt into spicy restaurants in Germany.
  • Tangent on real vs imitation maple syrup preferences and diner food nostalgia.

c. Sneaking Alcohol Onto Flights

[55:30–61:21]

• Listener recounts seeing a woman pour her own drinks into a water bottle for the flight.
  • Group discusses whether it’s actually allowed, referencing Bert Kreischer’s trick of bringing mini liquors in a quart bag.
  • Concerns about getting in trouble with the FAA vs. frustration over overpriced airplane drinks.
  • Foley: “If you want to get fucked up on a plane pouring liquor in a water bottle, you got a fucking problem.” [61:13]
  • Ryan reminisces about getting free booze on international flights.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Kevin, on air fryers in motels:
  “Raw chicken in the bedroom is wild, dude. Raw chicken that close to where you rest your head is crazy.” [08:04]
• Foley, on vacation cooking hacks:
  “This could be the start of a family tradition for these folks. Mom’s got some wings going on in the air fryer.” [11:00]
• Kevin, on managing a tight lunch budget:
  “I’d go, alright, I’ll spend $3 on lunch…gives me a little more wiggle room if I got to take a bigger swing at dinner.” [16:31]
• Foley, debating bringing your own food into restaurants:
  “You can’t do that shit. That’s just putting everybody in an awkward position.” [39:07]
• Foley, on being ‘that guy’ in the apocalypse:
  “What are you crazy? I know all the survival skills, buddy.”
  Kevin: “You’re barely surviving life. And there’s no zombie.” [25:02]
• On sneaking booze onto planes:
  “If you want to get fucked up on a plane pouring liquor in a water bottle, you got a fucking problem.” [61:13]
• On diner food naming conventions:
  “Just give me the fucking, you know, what are we doing here?” [39:49]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Timestamp | Segment & Topic | |-------------|-------------------------------------------------------------| | 04:25-12:24 | Viral video: Cooking chicken in an air fryer in a motel | | 15:35-16:42 | Balling on a budget: Cheap eats in NYC | | 22:15-24:02 | Subscriptions hacks and recurring household orders | | 29:01-30:09 | Family referrals and “friends & family” discounts | | 30:56-34:39 | Declined credit cards on cheap dates | | 39:00-49:46 | Bringing your own avocado to restaurants: where's the line? | | 55:30-61:21 | Sneaking alcohol onto flights: is it garbage? |

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Tone & Style

The podcast maintains its trademark quick-fire banter, self-deprecating humor, and the affectionate, blue-collar ribbing that defines “Are You Garbage?”. Foley and Ryan embrace their own “dirtbag” status while poking fun at the creative, desperate, and resourceful ways people try to enjoy life on limited means. Listener questions are met with both empathy and mockery, emphasizing camaraderie in garbage behavior.

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Final Thoughts

Are You Garbage? continues to excel at blending relatable, real-life scenarios with absurdity and self-aware comedy. This episode underscores the joy (and embarrassment) that comes with stretching a dollar, reveling in nostalgia, and breaking a few rules—not out of malice, but out of necessity, invention, or just good old-fashioned fun. If you’ve ever air-fried a chicken thigh in a motel, snuck a mini bottle on a plane, or found yourself defending avocado in Tupperware at brunch, you’ll find yourself right at home—and rightfully labeled “garbage”—alongside Foley, Ryan, and their loyal audience.

Transcript

[A]

Calling Seattle, Portland, San Fran Brea, California. The boys are coming west, baby. We're taking the Oregon trail out to the left coast and we're coming to see you. Grab the squad and come on out.

[B]

Yeah, if you're a dirtbag, we need you there, baby. All tickets [e-mail] See you there.

[A]

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are you garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or. Or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is RU Garbage. Oh yeah, it's that little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that you have to be classy. Yeah, but they're just a big old piece of trash.

[B]

Garbage, garbage, garbage.

[A]

I'm your host, H. Foley. Coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here with Tootie's in a new edition. She's up in her room playing a little guitar Hero.

[B]

Okay, Shrednik. Melting a couple faces.

[A]

That's right. Mike Hoes is coming at you from across the table. He is the CEO of RU Garbage. He's an international businessman and did not turn his ringer off.

[B]

That wasn't me.

[A]

That was me, Luke, Kevin, James Ryan, everybody.

[B]

I thought it was me and denied it.

[A]

While still is you.

[B]

While still thinking it was me, by.

[A]

The way, that was going off in a meeting the other day. Bing, bing, bing, bing. Can they hear that?

[B]

Maybe.

[A]

Really?

[B]

They work for me.

[A]

These bums talk about me.

[B]

Why don't you friggin do something?

[A]

You talk about me in meetings.

[B]

Yeah, you're bad things are going on. Let me introduce myself, then defend myself. Hey, shout out to you gang. Make sure you rate, view, subscribe on it.

[A]

Hey, you're all good, kid.

[B]

Full video available on YouTube. As you know. Full video available over there on Spotify as well. And the boys are climbing up the freaking. Climbing the charts then obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com garbage. You go over there, you get all that bonus content and the boys are hitting the freaking road. Are you a dirtbag?

[A]

It's a matter of days now.

[B]

Who lives on the west coast, baby? I'm talking La La Land. Very limited tickets there.

[A]

Get me San Francisco.

[B]

Second show added that. Only one show in Portland and Seattle. Get those friggin techies.

[A]

I gotta get out. I gotta get up to the Pacific Northwest and the west coast. I gotta stretch my legs a little bit.

[B]

You can do that.

[A]

Breathe some Fucking air. Some of that fresh pine air. The Great Lakes be huffing cleanser out there. Yeah, that's what I need.

[B]

Get my head on a little bit.

[A]

Of that Portland H. Little dust off. I ain't talking about Hambone either. Gang is what we call a family episode. Just the boys, the bozos and the homies. Just the way we like it. Before we get that started, we gotta take a little cruise by the old corner office. Say hi to Mr. Luki Patuki.

[B]

The.

[A]

The son of the owner of the Dempsey Group.

[B]

Allegedly. Allegedly.

[A]

Right.

[C]

Not on paper, sure.

[A]

Your father owns the Dempsey Group.

[C]

On paper, you work for him.

[A]

So we had to bring you in because he put the screws to us. Said you got to give my kid a job, right? That's kind of how this all went down. Maybe you got jammed up. Had to sell a little piece of toys to the Dempsey Group. They bought in.

[B]

I think they've owned it from the whole. This whole thing's a psyop. I. They planted this in our brain years ago, and now it's just all coming to fruition. I hear it's all in a dog's name. I got something I want to get into. I. I've been tagged in this photo, in this video a lot, which I was not aware of.

[A]

Say I wasn't there.

[B]

I didn't. I was over there on Tick Tock. I'm not big on Tick Tock, but I downloaded it take, you know, and I must have.

[A]

I thought you do pretty good over there. With your channel. No, your little kippy channel there.

[B]

I. I lost it and had to restart it. And then I.

[A]

You still do your beer reviews over there and stuff?

[B]

I mean. No, I just. What, you mean that thing I did six years ago? No, I still don't do that. Thanks for. Thanks for checking in, though. Still doing that acting thing.

[A]

Anyway, Rude.

[B]

Heard the production was pushed. Just saying. Hey, I. So this video. I was tagged in very much as you know, I'm the king of the boards down there in Wildwood, New Jersey.

[A]

Yeah, that's right. I'll defend that.

[B]

Thanks. I don't know why we're adversaries at the moment.

[A]

We're not adversaries. I said I would defend that.

[B]

I was tagged in this video that takes place in Wildwood, New Jersey, and I'll just let the video speak for itself. I don't want any setup. The guy does a pretty good job narrating it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It's him and his girlfriend, and I guess they're down in Wildwood. For the weekend. Luke. Look at her throwing down in the hotel budget.

[A]

Betty.

[B]

Pause for a second. She's cooking.

[A]

What are those?

[B]

It's chicken breast. She's got marinated chicken breast in a motel cooking them in the air fryer. In the air fryer, huh. And I'm pretty sure a lot of that stuff's dripping on the carpet of the motel room. If I had to guess.

[A]

Why are they that color? She got a little seasoning on them.

[B]

Yeah, she gets into the seasoning.

[A]

She gets.

[B]

She gives you a little Martha Stewart rundown on a seasoning.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Hey, you brought the air fryer to wow.

[A]

And the Vicodin. Holy slow draw.

[B]

There is. There is a certain level of dirt bag who I've been friends with for many years in my life that have taken so many drugs. They're not the quickest guys to begin with. Then they take a lot of them Xanax, a lot of them Perkins. And they really put some. Puts them underwater. You know what I mean?

[A]

Oh, I've been down there with my goggles on.

[B]

Scuba certified dog. Yes, we do. Just got back from that cold fun water boat John that had a soaking wet. It was fun though. If you pause it, you can see the camo cargo shorts hanging over the door letting them things dry out from.

[A]

Cuz that's what he's simming in.

[B]

That's from the cold water boat.

[A]

You on, my man.

[B]

Hey, tell them what you putting in there, babe. I put some seasoned chicken in the air fryer. Say that again. Day two. Okay. We don't want to bland. We want it where you got a little cloth at the end because your throat's a little seasoned too. I don't know about all that. Oh, the she talking about how he.

[A]

Says for a little salt and pepper. Why is it that.

[B]

First of all, dude, who's taking. It's smart, I'll give you that. But the air fryer to the motel room. Not a bad move.

[A]

Let me tell you.

[B]

Not a bad move though.

[A]

Cause it's not like it's. You're not like. It's not like you're grilling. It's not going to cause any more of a mess than anything else. Like that is a pretty smart move.

[B]

I don't think this couple's worried about the mess in the.

[A]

I'm just saying that's a pretty smart move bringing the air fryer. Yeah, it's not bad cuz let's say. Okay.

[B]

Also looks like a bed that don't look like a hotel or motel. That looks like someone's bedroom. You think maybe it's an dresser? Is that's like a residential dresser? I feel I've been in a lot of bad hotel rooms. I never seen something like that.

[A]

The tv, though.

[B]

The TV and that mirror being mounted on the wall like that is motel stuff.

[A]

Yeah, that's what's kind of. I don't think they own property. I don't either.

[B]

They got an air fryer. What are you talking about?

[A]

Why? How come pills and cartoons go so well together? They just do, man. They just do. And I'm not insinuating these gentlemen's on anything.

[B]

No, no, not at all.

[A]

Could be a fine, upstanding young man.

[B]

Sure he is. Lovely lady, nice couple.

[A]

Nice couple doing their thing. But let me tell you this.

[B]

That's innovative. I got to give him that. It's very. I never.

[A]

Very innovative because. Okay, take away the raw chicken.

[B]

The raw. Dude, listen. Raw chicken, that ain't being handled properly. You're doing it.

[A]

Raw chicken in the bedroom is wild, dude.

[B]

Raw chicken that close to your bed is where you. Where you rest. Your head is crazy.

[A]

Just the splatter component alone.

[B]

That's what I'm saying, man.

[A]

Jon Taffer would be shutting that down.

[B]

The food handling in that. It can't be. You don't got proper utensils. There ain't no cutting board. They're that. They're you. They're running.

[A]

They were thighs, though.

[B]

Thick thighs.

[A]

When you're doing all thigh meat, you're a different kind. But let's just say. Forget about that.

[B]

That's off season, too. She's in a full sweatsuit. It can't be hot out down there.

[A]

That's how you assume this was just made. They're probably just down there.

[B]

It's still there.

[A]

They caught the. The after. Because they've been saying that, like, right now is really good. Time to go cheap. Yeah, cheap.

[B]

Get all that chicken. All that chickens on sale that didn't get sold over the summer.

[A]

That's Acme chicken.

[B]

Listen, as a guy who's been to the Wildwood Acme and been in the discount meat section, that's got buy one, get one chicken on it for sure.

[A]

Where's the other pack? That's sitting in the sink.

[B]

It went crabbing.

[A]

But I was going to say, you have the air fryer down there and let's say you go to the store and you get like some Totinos or something. Imagine nice, fresh totinos or little snacks in the air fryer.

[B]

Yeah, but you Got to keep that frozen.

[A]

You don't really have to.

[B]

The toasting. What do you mean? That means you got to cook them.

[A]

Right away then not for the day that they'll be all right for the day. If you put them in the refrigerator until that night.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Then bang them out.

[B]

I mean, listen, you're down the shore. I think you got a lot of avenues to get cheap eats. You know what I mean? Get a slice of pizza. I mean if you're making. I'm not pushing.

[A]

You're not getting chicken thighs for as cheap as you're going to make them in the room. I don't care who you are.

[B]

I don't know, you go over to.

[A]

The Anglesea or whatever.

[B]

Well, I'm not saying. Yeah, I'm not saying it a sit down restaurant. But you can get, you know, you can get some takeaway or something like that at one of the. Get a gyro or something like that.

[A]

A gyro down ashore. They run you out of town.

[B]

Oh man. Talking about.

[A]

So gyro's down wild.

[B]

There is.

[A]

Is there? Yeah.

[B]

Shout out to like. Oh, they got them for sure.

[A]

Call them terrorist hamburgers.

[B]

Terror. Terrorist rap. Yeah, but that was. That is very Wildwood. That's very. That's very more Wildwood than north Wildwood for sure. But a lot of many a night stayed in those in. In like. Like the Seashell Motel or the Lollipop Club or whatever you're in. That is, that's living. That's the shore. That's the shore for a lot of people. I have in all of our times. But we were even doing that though like that's where we not came up with. But you know, our family innovated or became aware of the hot cooler full of boiling water for the hot dogs. Keep the hot dogs all day. Take that to the beach. So it is the.

[A]

You know, this could be the start of a family tradition for these folks. Couple of years the kids are running around, you know what I mean, stealing your wallet. Mom's got some wings going on in the air fryer.

[B]

Uh huh.

[A]

A little bit of feathers on them.

[B]

I listen, I. If you are, you know, they. She even. They even said like balling on a budget or budget, budget. Budget baby or something like that. If you're on a budget, the air fryer, you can air fryer for 20 bucks. Home run. Then you go get, you know, you go pack a chicken, pack a chicken, pack a meatball, something like that. Cook them up.

[A]

Oh fuck.

[B]

Great. It's. It's if you can't afford to take. You know, I believe they have kids. I did a little. Little deep dive on me.

[A]

Oh, you did?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So that's why the cartoons are on.

[B]

I don't know if the kids are there. I don't see the kids. But, you know, pack a chicken like you said. It's. You can.

[A]

Is that a crush Bl can at the end of the bed?

[B]

I don't know what that. No, it looks like a Sonic the Hedgehog. They probably won on a boardwalk. Good parents, man.

[A]

You can see that. The Sonic the Hedgehog.

[B]

Yeah, I think so.

[A]

They gotta have kids. There's probably kids.

[B]

I know there's kids. No, I know there's kids in the house. I don't know if there's kids there right now. I'm saying I wasn't there this weekend with them, but I knew. I do know they have children. Yeah, but if you're out there and if you've done it, let us know. And if not, try it, give it away. If you're going down to a motel and you ain't got a lot of spending cash for the weekend, you're trying to take your babe out on a.

[A]

On a getaway, that would be a nice.

[B]

Take the blender to make some margaritas.

[A]

That would be a nice. I know people that do that. My family did that. We brought the blender down many a times.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Yeah. To make frozen drinks. Frozen margaritas. It was daiquiris in the 80s is what it was.

[B]

Yeah. We were never a big pina coladas.

[A]

Pina coladas came first. That was the first frozen drink I was introduced to because my dad used to make virgin pina coladas for us as kids. And virgin strawberry daiquiris.

[B]

That would. That to me is just like one of the reasons I have an alcohol problem is like, they were like, you want to like you're ordering virgin drinks because I'm like just doing this until I'm allowed to have the real thing. You know what I mean?

[A]

Sure.

[B]

You're just priming the pump. It's like now just get a Diet Coke or something like that, you know?

[A]

Diet Coke as a kid?

[B]

I have regular Coke.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Diet Coke was for Diet Coke as a child.

[B]

Europeans or something.

[A]

I know one kid that drinks Diet Coke.

[B]

I mean, now I think a lot of the kids aren't drinking soda like they used to.

[A]

Yeah, that's their problem.

[B]

That is. That's. That's why we've turned soft as high.

[A]

Fructose corn syrup in them. You Got no high fructose corn syrup.

[B]

Get your brain percolating just right.

[A]

I wouldn't hate if. If a hotel just had an air fryer.

[B]

That's what I was. My next thing.

[A]

Yeah. Get rid of the coffee thing.

[B]

Yeah. Who the fuck.

[A]

I don't need a fucking steamer. First of all, steamers don't work. They don't work. You know what works, Patty? On an ironing board. That's what works. Steamers do not work. Get rid of the steamer. Okay. And throw a fucking air fryer in there.

[B]

I don't disagree.

[A]

How sick would that be?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Just thinking about getting late. Getting home late from getting back from a show. You stopped down at the.

[B]

And they got food sitting there that you can air fry.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, I guess they got the microwave. Yeah. It's like. Who needs the fucking microwave though?

[A]

You don't lose the microwave. Get the air fryer.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Just put an oven up there. What are we doing? Let's go. Full oven.

[B]

Yeah, I. But we've obviously stayed in those extended stay stuff with the full kitchen and a full size fridge, which makes you feel like you're in fucking Willy.

[A]

Blow your brains out.

[B]

It's weird. I don't like the stove. I don't know. It's too church and I need a church and state separation here. That's a little too. A stove next to your bed. Dude. I'm. I'm. You know, I gotta turn that thing on. Open the door and take a dirt nap.

[A]

I got a whole turkey going. Check out. I got a meatloaf in there.

[B]

Fire the fries. Expediting orders.

[A]

I got ribs going low and slow, baby. What are you talking about?

[B]

I got nothing but time.

[A]

That's all right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Very good. God bless them.

[B]

Shout out to him. Making it work. That's what this show was frickin built on. Making it work. In Wildwood, New Jersey. That is. That is it. And he had to save money. Take her out on the water boat John, as he called it.

[A]

There you go. And listen. That's smart.

[B]

They think stole someone else's boat for the week.

[A]

Every meal. Doesn't have to be a fucking Broadway show. That could be. That could be a little. Hold me over until dinner and then you're saving a little money on lunch. All right.

[B]

That's. That's a big.

[A]

You're right there. Have a little chicken. Jump in the sheets for a little bit. You know what I mean? A romantic time.

[B]

Let that season and spill over into the bedroom. The bedroom. If you catch.

[A]

Don't get that in your eyes.

[B]

Yikes. That was a big way I used to have to manage, you know. Cause I would do dollar slices for lunch or whatever.

[A]

You dollar slice guy. But when was this?

[B]

When we were back when we were banging, you know what I mean? Out there in a village, fucking gutting it out, working the front lines. Mm. I'd go, all right, I'll spend $3 on lunch. Mm. That'll let me then cuz me a meal in new year 15. About 20. But you're breaking a 20 to get like something. So you'd either do my moons, right, you can get for like five, six bucks, something like that, which I don't love.

[A]

I know that's sacrilegious.

[B]

It is what it is.

[A]

I don't love them. They used to be a place down the street called Turkish. Turkish, which I liked it. They did the yogurt sauce, but I don't know. I haven't had him on moons in a while. I'll go back and check it. They always fall apart though.

[B]

Yeah. No, I don't disagree. Yeah, but whatever. Then I go, I spent $3 on lunch. That gives me a little more wiggle room if I got to take a bigger swing at dinner.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

What I mean, cocktail or more beer.

[A]

If you get jammed up somewhere and have to pay for a Dr. Drink. Normally we don't have to, you know what I mean? Working here, working there.

[B]

But if you find yourself, remember having.

[A]

A pig when you get. I gotta pay for this.

[B]

Yeah, yikes.

[A]

I know. It would ruin you.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

They get caught with like an eight dollar beer.

[B]

Holy.

[A]

And a buck or two for ten bucks.

[B]

Remember that classy broad I was talking to? We went to Mineta. She took me. She was like, let's go get a drink in Minneta.

[A]

She buried in like apple martinis or something like that.

[B]

She started. I was. I was checking my TD bank account at. At the bar. Brought order.

[A]

Blue cheese olives can be said. I'll be right back. Fucking ran out calling a bomb threat. I don't know how much a blue cheese olive costs. Kid. This is rocket money. And if you have some subscriptions that you want to cancel, you can use rocket money to find them and cancel them for you. I know you know, a lot of people, they spend a lot of money on subscriptions. I don't even realize, you know this. They got that and they think they're spending this on it. When they're really spending that, you get rocket money. You're like, whoa. You know, I was dropping this Kind of cash.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Cancel this, cancel this, cancel this. Whatever you want to do. I know Rocket Money makes it fast and easy for you.

[B]

And that was one of those things too that I found out too. It's like everybody's like, well, how can I make more money? It's times are tough trying to make ends meet. How can I make more money? And then someone's like, you can also just save money so you don't have to, you know. Rocket Money is an easier way to help you save money. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions. Hey, I didn't know I was paying for boner the month, club.com or whatever. You know, they let me know and they canceled. I'm just using that one as an example. I don't want to give you the exact websites I was subscribed to.

[A]

Gotcha.

[B]

Rocket Money shows you all your expenses in one place, including subscriptions you forgot about. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscription, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket Money has 5 million members that have saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions, with members saving up to $740 a year when they use all the apps premium features. I use all the apps premium features. It lets me know every week, hey, this is what you're spending. This is the big charges coming up. This is how much you spent, how little you spent, what you saved. It's fantastic. You can cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to Rocket Money.com garbage a day. That's RocketMoney.com garbage one more time. RocketMoney.com garbage do it. Do it.

[A]

Can't be. Know about mando.

[B]

Oh, I know about man.

[A]

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Ah, you do know about man though.

[B]

I'm a mando man.

[A]

You smell fresh, I'll tell you that. You know what mando is? It's an all over body deodorant.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

All right. These animals, okay, have been just doing the pits.

[B]

Yeah, you can't just do the pits everywhere.

[A]

Okay. Just see for my bigger boys out there, I gotta get under the titties. I gotta. I got a lot of back alleys and dangerous spots that don't have any video cameras on them, you know, I mean, sure, I gotta keep them clean.

[B]

High traffic areas.

[A]

High traffic area. But not at night.

[B]

Uh huh.

[A]

Slows down.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

That's when the bad elements. Creepy crawly, the bad bacteria come out at night. I Gotta keep it all fresh.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And on top of that they got the Mando body wipes which is give yourself a little spruce up.

[B]

They got it all coming from the.

[A]

Office to happy hour. You want to look fresh on this.

[B]

Uh huh. And Mando starter pack is perfect for new customers. It comes with a solid stick deodorant cream tube deodorant which is slept on I feel a lot. And two free products of your choice like the mini body wash and the deodorant wipes. I'm a deodorant white man. Well documented. We got them here. I'm in here. Podcast and Donna, I just said that.

[A]

I'm a body wipe man. I'm relaxed where they're all going.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Taking my body.

[B]

Listen, I gotta go out. I got a hot dinner. I gotta go to spots. I gotta, I gotta, I gotta swipe, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta get fresh, you know what I mean? So I can do the freaky Mando ship them right now. You get to two, you get. Listen, two free products of your choice. Mini. The mini body wash or the deodorant wipes. And free shipping as a special offer for our listeners. New customers get 20% off site wide with our exclusive code. Use [e-mail] for 20% off site wide plus free shipping. That shopmando S-H O P M A N D O dot com. Please support the new. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. Mando's got you covered with deodorant plus sweat control. Say goodbye to sweat stains and hello to long lasting freshers.

[A]

Do it.

[B]

But all that's neither here nor there. We got a gosh darn family episode on our hands, gang. As you know, when you join the old Patreon A, we will answer your garbage question on the air.

[A]

That's right, Kevin.

[B]

And let's see. Speaking of, you know, speaking of making it work. This was from Lawrence. $10, homie. Never had one read, talk to me garbage that I shared a room and one queen size bed with my mom and sister till I was 16. Who that is making it work. Gotta make it work. You gotta do what you gotta do. Not close.

[A]

This is a hotel. This is.

[B]

I have to assume this is their bedroom.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Gotta figure they're in a one bedroom. That's gotta be a studio. Then one bedroom. You'd still have a living room of some sort. Sleep on a couch or a loveseat or a pullout until he was when 16.

[A]

Man.

[B]

That might be at someone else's house. Like they're staying with the. In the basement of the. The grandma's house or something. Or you're staying at an uncle, an aunt's house and that's all you guys have is that room.

[A]

His sexuality has got to be all over the place. That'll freak you out.

[B]

That'll twist you up. You're out. That'll put your wiener in a pretzel.

[A]

I don't know what to think, man.

[B]

Because you know, at certain point there's just hormone, you know, your, your body's going through changes.

[A]

Two broads in the bed.

[B]

You're laying in bed and you're fighting off a stiffy. There ain't nowhere to go hide. I'm assuming if you know, man.

[A]

Long showers. Oh God. God love you.

[B]

That's tough. That is. That's a jam up city, baby.

[A]

Yeah, that's garbage.

[B]

But shout out to that mom for making it work. Of course. What if they lived in like a six bedroom? They were just freaks. They were just real freaky. This one's from Guido. Great name. G W E E D O Never had one Read is a garbage to always sign up for subscription slash auto delivery on things for the discount. Then after it ships immediately cancel the subscription and repeat as needed one more time. That's brilliant. Is it garbage to always sign up for the subscription or auto delivery for products right for the discount when you sign up for the auto delivery. Hey, we'll sip it every two weeks. You save a dollar a thing or whatever and then after it ships, you cancel the subscription and then do it again as needed.

[A]

Damn, I wish I was good with that shit.

[B]

What? I'm so Big Gulp over there so bad it can't.

[A]

I heard that whole thing. Movie popcorn. That's pretty good.

[B]

I wish I was gonna need it. I could see for the one time purchase. But then just make the subscription every month like on Amazon. You don't need. On Amazon you can set the delivery like once every two weeks. Once every month or whatever.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So if you're gonna redo, I could see if you're making a one time purchase like I need.

[A]

But aren't you. Aren't you getting the deal every time you sign up?

[B]

Yeah, but you're getting the deal as long as you keep it on subscribe and save. So the next time you.

[A]

I believe I don't know anything about that.

[B]

This might push. I'm on paper towels and toilet paper and it changed my life. It's one of those things that I push back on for so Long.

[A]

They just come.

[B]

They just come.

[A]

Really.

[B]

They just comes. And sometimes you like you're at like a fucking surplus and then you go, all right, whatever. It just lives in the closet or whatever. And then sometimes they miss it or you. Whatever. It gets stolen something and you know. Yeah, it just. It works itself out. I haven't bought.

[A]

So you got extra paper towels and shit over there? Yeah, shit goes down. I know where I'm coming. Good luck keeping me out.

[B]

Quite easy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You wouldn't let me in.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

I don't know. If it was. If it was Armageddon and you needed paper towels.

[B]

We got bigger frickin problems.

[A]

Would you let me in if it was. It was the apocalypse?

[B]

Sure. Real easy answer to continue moving on with the show.

[A]

He'd probably kill me when I wasn't looking. Wouldn't you?

[B]

What? You're probably compromised. Guy like you, you're weak, you're susceptible. You're the first person they get come in with your zombie brains. Next thing you know you got me and my whole family. That's what you would do. You'd leave the door open or something. Oh, he's just cracking a window. I got chicken going in my bedroom. They come in a window and get me.

[A]

Hey, son. Is that's Danny? It's my buddy.

[B]

He's got a hat on. He's trying to fool up. Yeah, you would. That's you. I mean in the overarching character arc of you.

[A]

I'm the guy you would want.

[B]

You're nuts.

[A]

What are you crazy? I know all the survival skills, buddy.

[B]

You're barely surviving life. Good. And there's no zombie.

[A]

Good with the nickel.

[B]

No, you're not. You. I don't think you've ever shot a gun once. Once.

[A]

I need it.

[B]

Yeah, I don't think I'd be bad news. Yeah, you. Dude. You would do it. I don't know. What a door. It's all the way over there. I think we'll be all right. Yeah, laziness would get.

[A]

I got the screen lock. Quit bitching.

[B]

Don't get some fresh in here. Get some fresh air. Get the stinking his chicken out of here.

[A]

It's an airborne pathogen. You got the Brita.

[B]

Relax, you guys don't run a humidifier. I thought you forgot the HEPA filter running.

[A]

We have two of those things and they're just sitting there.

[B]

You know what's nuts? What as insane. At one point in our apartment, my wife was running a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I was like we have jumped the fucking shark with appliances. We have to get off Instagram.

[A]

Just standing in the middle.

[B]

I do get the one room was dry as a bone and the other one was like the goddamn Amazon.

[A]

I feel like you know you're trash. The at what age you were exposed to your first dehumidifier buddy?

[B]

About 4. Our basement would flood. At my mom's the sump pump the wall dude it's. You go down there. It still smells like fucking hurricane Sandy.

[A]

Luke, have you ever seen the dehumidifier?

[C]

We have one running in our basement constantly.

[B]

No that's class. They got it going. We. That's the. That's a solution to an ongoing problem. We didn't have that. We had to like borrow it from somebody's work or like one of some one of construction worker uncle would.

[A]

I remember the way it looked. It was always running. Remember the cold water in the back of it that it collected the big tank. I could not figure out what it did, how it worked or why it was down there. But it was just a damn edifier.

[B]

Ours was the size of a refrigerator.

[A]

Yeah this is like.

[B]

This is late 90s probably.

[A]

Yeah. This is mid-80s.

[B]

The dehumidifier man that basement my mom had they. That never ever ever ever got finished. They've been trying for. They've been in the house 30 years they've been trying. It gets flooded. Then we're having a pause something we get somebody comes in and put some discount carpet in for. I remember that was the first carpet I saw that you could. It was like spill resistant. You could spill on it. I would tell you this story. You could. They got it in. It's my mom's. We're having Christmas or something so all year we gotta had a basement on for to entertain because our families are fucking 200 people. Mm. And a.

[A]

That never happened.

[B]

What?

[A]

That was never finished.

[B]

No. I mean finishes in like we can. It's not a construction site and there's.

[A]

Could you smoke heaters in the non carpeted part?

[B]

No, I don't think so.

[A]

Shoulda.

[B]

I mean we did pretty sweet. But it was water resistant spill resistant carpet. I'd never seen it before. Never seen it after. And I swear to God everybody came over you know go look at the carpet. New carpet in the basement with fucking baby shit brown.

[A]

Had to be slick.

[B]

Dude. It was like something out of an office. It was like real had to have.

[A]

A coating on it.

[B]

It did. It's something sprayed with like mylar or.

[A]

Something like that probably Teflon dude.

[B]

And we. I swear to God, at the party, we were pouring sodas out on the thing and vacuum. You could vacuum it right up with a wet vac. Like, it would, like, it would puddle. It wouldn't penetrate to the bottom because we flooded so much.

[A]

Like you're at a convention center.

[B]

Like, I was fucking the Shamwell guy. Look at that.

[A]

Look. I put a heater right out on it. Cleans right up. Man. You're a dirt bag.

[B]

Yeah, that was what you guys were doing.

[A]

Well, is anything sitting around crushing fucking Snyder pretzel bites and fucking doing that? Yeah, probably doing expos?

[B]

People.

[A]

Were you guys doing showtimes? Like 1 and then 2? 1:30.

[B]

If you sign up, you get a 15% discount today.

[A]

Does your family ever do that with each other? Use the friends and family thing to get somebody to sign up for whatever.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

I. For some reason I remember, like, my.

[B]

Mom, like a service.

[A]

Like, my mom got carpet. And then if my mom.

[B]

Oh, like a referral?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, because we were all. Everybody was a construction worker. So it was like, I know a guy who can get. You ever. You got a flooring guy if you're re sanding. We got a guy. If you're getting carpet, you get the carpet. Some. Someone's friends will do it. On the side was all side work.

[A]

We were big on that.

[B]

Now we never. Referral.

[A]

I get the referral.

[B]

We just started going to a company. It was always yous get a guy, you get someone's friend.

[A]

I just use the friends and family to get the whip.

[B]

Yeah, that's. I mean, as someone. I used to work in marketing for a construction company that's like. Yeah, yeah. Well, they take off 10%. Oh, fucking Henry referred me. They just juice up the price. 10%.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Fucking. Just because you know Patty, they. You think you're getting 10% off Broadway.

[A]

They know Patty.

[B]

Broad buys a call a car every three years. Like, it's not like she's buying fleets for a fucking taxi company. She buys one.

[A]

I don't know what she does.

[B]

She buys one car a year and you think that she's there and probably. Listen, she beats them the fuck up on the price. She's stealing the sugars from the break room. She's getting her pound of flesh for sure.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

You think they're going, ah, Patty's such a good customer, she buys a Jeep.

[A]

You don't want her walking in here. There.

[B]

She'll. She'll ruin someone's day coming in her slippers.

[A]

Slapping you around.

[B]

Oh, God. All right, let's see here. This one, this one's from Coop. $10 biggie bag. Homie, are you garbage if you won. Enjoy shamrock shakes. Trash your car, your card gets a declined on a date. Getting shamrock shakes, that's a tough look.

[A]

I respect that move though.

[B]

FYI, it was buy one, get one free. So the $2.47 charge did not clear. Oh, that's bad.

[A]

I like the cute idea of let's go get shamrock shakes.

[B]

Come on, you gotta be able to execute that.

[A]

Yeah, I think they made him give him back because I would assume that time of the night you're not. They don't do the two window system. You're assuming drive through who didn't go in. Come on.

[B]

I mean you can't make any assumptions on a guy's car to Getting declined to 2.47.

[A]

Yeah, I'd say they didn't go in. If I had to.

[B]

I would say that's part of the date. If you're. It's. I would say it's. That's part of the date. You know what I mean? Like, oh, let's go in. We'll go. You know, it's like a drive thru is what you're killing 30. You want to extend that out a little bit. I would think maybe make it a little cutesy. You can't be cute unless you're just knocking boots in.

[A]

I don't love the foo foo stuff that they do with McDonald's anymore. With the.

[B]

I would love to know what the foo foo stuff they do the.

[A]

They do the whipped cream and the cherry. That's not. I don't like that.

[B]

On what, the burgers?

[A]

No, on the shakes. I like the regular old school shakes.

[B]

Gotcha.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah, I don't know. I'm not. Sounds like you're still banging on the shapes shakes a little bit.

[A]

I've seen them commercials.

[B]

Sure. 2.47 cents decline is tough because it's. It's pretty good because you can go fraud charge or something because you. No one doesn't expect you to have $2 and 50 cents.

[A]

There's something wrong with the chip.

[B]

There gotta be. I love. You know something, if it's 60 bucks, that's more believable that you don't have it.

[A]

I now do the move of. Let's see if this goes through.

[B]

Man. That is a. I've done that.

[A]

That's my move. So hold on, let's see if it goes through first. Yeah, I'VE been having trouble with that one.

[B]

Traveling a lot.

[A]

Traveling a lot.

[B]

Rich guy like me, traveling a lot.

[A]

A lot of magnets on me. I work in magnets. I work for 3 m. D said D. That's what I tell people. I work for 3M. I work over at the 3M plant. A lot of magnets.

[B]

They're demagnetizing your card.

[A]

Yeah, they're demagnetizing my card.

[B]

Don't you hate that when you check in at a hotel and they're like, don't put it near any. It's like, well, put this on my asshole. Where else am I going to put the credit card size?

[A]

Yeah, that's. That happened to me a couple of times the last time we traveled, which was weird.

[B]

You work with magnets? The three implant. Jam me up.

[A]

I'm a senior.

[B]

Wait, did you. Did you think when I said traveling, that the credit card key did it? The magnet from the. From the no room. Okay. I wasn't sure.

[A]

No, no. I just meant because you're traveling. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I don't know. People travel a lot.

[B]

Yeah. Get shut down. Yeah.

[A]

Shut me down. It was overseas.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I was in Turkey.

[B]

Gave me up.

[A]

Turkey, Not Greece.

[B]

Greece. Yeah.

[A]

I was in Turkey and then went over to Greece. Had to do some business over there.

[B]

And it's a lot of business. I work for 3M.

[A]

I work for 3M.

[B]

I'm actually their main guy over there closing all the deals. Shift supervisor in Turkey and Greece.

[A]

Yeah. So I just tap into plants and check in on them. So I have a lot of magnets around. A lot of magnet technology coming here at 3M.

[B]

Yeah, I can't talk about it. No, that would get jammed up. Actually, it's probably 3M who canceled my car. Because talking about all these magnet projects.

[A]

No, they wouldn't do that.

[B]

Okay. Fun. Yes. And you got rolling there.

[A]

You don't know how the business works.

[B]

Yeah, apparently. Apparently. Shift shift supervisor.

[A]

But if my car gets a client, that's the reason why a lot of magnets definitely have some on me.

[B]

Guy in magnets. You got to have magnets on you. Friends and family discount. Don't tell anybody. Should be giving you this discount. But I can cancel your card.

[A]

I can cancel your card right now.

[B]

It's already canceled. I'm traveling.

[A]

I just canceled it. I have magnets in my brain. That's a new thing 3M's doing, putting magnets in your brain.

[B]

Okay. I just genuinely think you might have magnets in your brain at this point. And you're slowly becoming senile.

[A]

I keep sticking to the refrigerator. Nothing on that. I stick to the refrigerator. That's where magnets go.

[B]

Oh, shut. Okay, gotcha. That's funny. Yeah. Yeah. I was trying not to make a fat joke.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Fat guy stuck to the refrigerator. What do you mean, why? I don't know. Honey on the handle or something.

[A]

Keeps our honey in the refrigerator.

[B]

I sit on a handle raw honey. You're supposed to making that up.

[A]

Is that true?

[B]

No.

[A]

You ever see that?

[B]

Trying to win this fake bit we got going on?

[A]

Did you ever think. Did you ever see the thing? The way you test to see if honey's real, you take a little bit of it and you put it in like a saucer. Okay. You put like. Like, I don't know, like. Like that size honey.

[B]

What kind of life do you think I'm living where I'm testing if honey's real?

[A]

And you put water over top of it and you go one way and you go the other way. And if it forms a honeycomb, that's real honey. It's called memory. It remembers where it came from. Or it could just be the water going back and forth that way.

[B]

Could have been a fake video you saw too.

[A]

Yeah, but I saw it at the.

[B]

3 of an AI. Do you remember when he tried to. He's like, oh, yeah. I was looking at this thing behind a Walmart in Jersey. There's like this beautiful. This beautiful waterfall. And it was like, somebody's like, this is clearly fake. You. You will buy. You are like, AI is gonna get you if it hasn't already.

[A]

I got a couple of catfishes on me right now, though.

[B]

Getting me, man, some of that AI, though.

[A]

Fall for it 100%.

[B]

It's crazy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

This is AI right now, is it? Well, that just scared me. I gotta be honest with you. I'm. I'm sleep deprived. That just. That just got me.

[A]

What'd you found out? If I was AI and I never existed, and you were in here talking to yourself the whole time, yet the show was still a hit.

[B]

Huh? I can't even get myself there. I'm too tired to do that gymnastics of what that would look like.

[A]

I'm real.

[B]

I'm not magnet.

[A]

By the way, I do have to tell you something. I don't work for 3M.

[B]

What?

[A]

Yeah, sorry. Just a bit because my credit card didn't go through.

[B]

Yeah. Now that. Now that we have said we do. I do. I do have disposable income. I am less. I take it Less personal. I go, oh, try. Something must be wrong here. Whereas when you don't have it, you really.

[A]

What? You gotta be kidding me. It's bullshit. I'm gonna sue the whole company. You and 3M go get Ronald McDonald.

[B]

I need to speak to him. Stole my wallet.

[A]

I have $17 million in that account, sir.

[B]

I was always. It's a gift card I just deposited. I just put in.

[A]

I just put in.

[B]

I just put 50 grand in there.

[A]

Yeah, a check just cleared, huh? Come on, give it to me. I'm on a date.

[B]

Guys, come on. Try to. This world over here. He might have not known. He might have known it was. There's a chance of it not going through.

[A]

I mean if it's 245 that, that, that you're down to that.

[B]

And they were also buy one, get one.

[A]

Yeah, that's a cheap day, you know.

[B]

You know what you did.

[A]

But that might be a good deal breaker or sorry. A good icebreaker. Let's see how this broad reaction. I got no kids.

[B]

I mean Luke's shaking his head. But listen, a guy who's got $2.47. You're not. I'm sure that broads card. She's not dating. Fucking the shoot shift supervisor at 3M. You know what I mean? She's dating guys who's, you know.

[A]

The car might not go through.

[B]

Yeah, that's where these guys hang. Shit. They met it at the bar. They went to state. They're not.

[A]

That's a ride or die lady.

[B]

That's what I'm saying. If she stuck with them, maybe she said, ooh, you're gross. Okay guys, heard that before.

[A]

I wrote that one.

[B]

All right, let's see. This one's from Jared. $10, homie. Never have one red. Are you garbage if you bring your own avocado to a restaurant because you don't want to pay extra? My girlfriend's dad does this everywhere I go. Could be a pub or Ruth's. Chris, like I dropped Ruth.

[A]

Chris can't do that.

[B]

P.S. he got called out at a Denny's where the waitress said, you're not fooling anyone we know, sir. Huh?

[A]

Yeah, you can't do that shit. That's just putting everybody in an awkward position. Yeah, you need avocado. That fucking bed. Avocado. But, well, Denny's isn't gonna have.

[B]

I bet you Denny's has avocado at this point. You think some sort of omelet avocado get on Denny's. Give me a Denny's menu. Rundown. Right. Let's get eyes on a Denny's menu. It's been a minute for me.

[A]

Let's do the whole thing.

[B]

Not the whole thing, but, you know.

[C]

They got avocado.

[B]

Boom.

[A]

Really? They have the moons. The moons over my head.

[B]

Oh, we did 1 on Route 66. We did a Denny's.

[A]

We did.

[B]

At a truck stop.

[A]

They have the moons over Miami sandwich, which looks really good.

[B]

The nan name bothers me.

[A]

Does it?

[B]

I just don't.

[A]

Yeah, Miami instead of Miami.

[B]

It's only cutesy me. Just give me the fucking. You know. What are we doing here?

[C]

I mean, they got the super slams, kind of. They got the French toast slam.

[A]

What's the super Slam?

[B]

Like you don't know what the super. Okay, okay.

[A]

Can you name a grand slam breakfast?

[B]

It's probably one everything, isn't it?

[A]

Two eggs, hash browns, toast, bacon, sausage or ham.

[B]

It's a hungry man where I come from.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, but it's. It's a grand slam. And pancakes. What's the soup?

[C]

Or a lumberjack super slam.

[B]

The lumber Lumberjacks. Because they're doing all that lumberjack. And they need all them. That extra car.

[A]

You think they'd be tired after all that? Be sleepy. I ate a pancake. I'm done.

[B]

You are a lumberjack. 12 hours for one pancake?

[A]

Oh, forget it.

[B]

Jesus.

[A]

I can't eat pancakes, man. They knock me. The fuck. I'm done. All that syrup and butter. Mm. Mm. I'm asleep. If I'm having pancakes on a Sunday, I'm going straight back to bed. I ain't cutting down shit.

[B]

How you get to the top of 3m right there.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Wake up, eat bed, you're having pancakes.

[A]

Don't give me pancakes.

[B]

No, listen, whoever's giving you pancakes, stop giving you pancakes.

[A]

I haven't had pancakes in forever, okay? Unless I McGriddle counts.

[B]

Sure, Luke.

[C]

Does the McGriddle count?

[A]

No, I wasn't asking that yet. I don't need your opinion on that.

[C]

Two buttermilk pancakes, two sausage links, two bacon strips, two eggs and hash browns.

[A]

That's a super.

[C]

That's the super slam.

[B]

You get all the meats.

[A]

Hmm. What's a regular slam?

[B]

Probably one of or two of the meats.

[C]

Everyday value slam is choose two buttermilk pancakes, two slices or two slices of French toast. Or biscuit and gravy served with eggs.

[A]

Bacon or biscuit and gravy. Yeah, fuck that up.

[B]

I think they know what they're doing.

[A]

I like a biscuits and gravy sure. But I would need. I would need the pancakes and a French toast. I couldn't do biscuits and gravy. Or French toast. Or pancakes.

[B]

I gotcha.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Because that's savory. You need to have the sweet to make it a grand slam. Get it over the wall.

[B]

Sure. To go yard on them. But back to the sneaking it into Denny's. I kind of respect it. Is it trashier to sneak it into a classier place or Denny's being like, buddy, it's Denny's. Suck my dick. I got my fresh avocado here. Not that I respect it, but I'm saying, what's worse?

[A]

I think it's. I think it's worse to do it at Denny's.

[B]

I think I got to push back.

[A]

Worse to do that to the server Denny's.

[B]

Kind of lawless, I would argue. The server at Denny's goes, I don't give a fuck, hon. I just was on a date last night and the guy's card got declined. Get me a. You know, I got bigger problems than this old man sneaking in his avocados, you know?

[A]

Sure.

[B]

That's what I would say. I don't. My wife does it at one restaurant in Germany that I don't like.

[A]

What?

[B]

I've had to tell you this before.

[A]

No, you have not.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What does she do?

[B]

Like a yogurt or something like that? She takes in because they don't offer it. The food's very spicy and they don't offer it, but she brings it in. It's a yogurt. Yeah.

[A]

To do what?

[B]

To like cut the spiciness of the food.

[A]

I don't understand.

[B]

I just explained it.

[A]

How does yogurt help? Like a plain yogurt?

[B]

Yeah. Like a yogurt is a dairy. Dairy counteracts the spicy.

[A]

Mix it in.

[B]

No, she'll like put it on like the side or something. I guess. Yeah. I gotta be honest with you. I also dabble in it. It makes it a little. It makes. It makes the bite a little better. You know what I mean? But she gives it. She tells them too.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

It's a. It's more of an ethnic cuisine. Uh huh. So that it lends to be a little spicier. Uh huh.

[A]

We talk an Ethiopian.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Pakistani.

[B]

Arychian, Erechi.

[A]

And who are they?

[B]

Up by Pluto.

[A]

Like the Sumerian. Sumerian joint.

[B]

Eritrean, I believe. It's like. It's like Ethiopian, but I think it's. Yeah. Ericia.

[A]

Hmm.

[B]

Anyway, she tells them, hey, Listen. She asks permission, okay. She goes, listen, I brought this. We stopped at a store.

[A]

It sounded like a banana and strawberries. It's like a plain yogurt, right?

[B]

Yeah. It's not. Yeah, like a. Like. Yes.

[A]

It's like sour cream.

[B]

Yes. I mean, do you really think she was bringing in a bananas, I don't know yogurt?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

To mix with you two wackadoos reaching around. How you doing? That's what I'm going for.

[A]

Talk to me.

[B]

But she. I was just like, babe, this is fucking crazy. You can do this. You can do this over here. We get back to America, you ain't fucking.

[A]

How do you feel about the Seinfeld when he brings the maple syrup into the. Into the diner for his pancakes with Courteney Cox? Would you be okay with that if I was showing up with my own syrup?

[B]

Yes, because we're not charging you for syrup. You're also then saving me money. I'm offering a sub quality product.

[A]

Hmm.

[B]

Right. You're not saving any money. If anything, you're going. You're not using my syrup. I think it's pretentious. And I would go, just go to a place. Listen, if you want fucking avocado, let's use the syrup. Example, if you don't know, Kramer sneaks in, or Kramer and Jerry. Syrup, syrup, syrup to a diner for pancakes. If that's the case, just go somewhere else and get your fucking pancakes. That had that makes them the way you like them.

[A]

You know, it sounds crazy.

[B]

That's what I would say. If you want premium products, go to the places that serve premium products. You're at a fucking diner, you get what the fucking diner gives you.

[A]

I never thought that I would say this, but at the age that I'm at, I do prefer real maple syrup as opposed to like, you know.

[B]

The chemical shit.

[A]

Yeah. Which is crazy. I never thought I ever. Having that the first time when you were a kid. It's like pouring iced tea on your French toast.

[B]

It was gross. I might put. I don't think I've ever had it.

[A]

Really. Real maple syrup. It's quite good.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know. My wife gets it. I don't. I just went out. I'm not eating it. I'm not eating pancakes and French toast like that. I'm not accusing anybody of. At this table of doing that. I'm just saying. I don't. Yeah. I mean, as a kid, it was. I'm an aunt Jemima man.

[A]

Yeah, me too. Mrs. Butterworth.

[B]

That was. That was not for us really.

[A]

We were Jemima foul face on it.

[B]

We were the Aunt Jemima pancakes, which I never understood how you made pancakes from a box of flour like that. It blew my. I remember holding the box, looking at it, going, you mean these pancakes are in here somehow? How the do I get them in me? When Denise would throw down on pancakes, she can cook a hell of a brekkie. Hell of a brekkie. She really knows it.

[A]

Getting the bubbles going and everything.

[B]

She made us something down the shore the other night. She called like. They call it like soccer pasta or that. It's like a real quick meal in 30 minutes. You take like ground meat. It's like a one pot pasta type thing. Ground meat. You know, it's like. It's like ship it. It's like the most Irish fucking pasta. It's penne ground beef, probably that you think you probably should probably salt that. You cook it in a pan real quick, dump it in, Cook the pasta, dump it all in a pot, sprinkle some fucking low moisture mozzarella on it, throw it in the oven like a Z. Like a baked.

[A]

No sauce.

[B]

Yeah, sauce too. I'm sorry. Baked ziti type thing.

[A]

I'm with it.

[B]

Yeah. I'm going to make soccer pasta. I'm like, what the fuck you talking about, lady? That's what the kids call it, soccer pasta.

[A]

My mom used to hit us with summer spaghetti. You know what that is? It's basically cold spaghetti with vegetables and Italian dressing on it.

[B]

Dude, I don't. Vegetables and pasta. Yeah. Can kick fucking rocks to me. That's just me. What do I know?

[A]

Avocado, bringing the restaurant. Stop doing that.

[B]

Stop anything to a restaurant. You just stop. Or go to a restaurant that has that. Or you. This is the problem.

[A]

Putting the only reason I care about. You're just putting the server in an awkward situation. I gotta deal with this now or I gotta not deal with it. And then what happens if my dickhead manager who doesn't like me to begin with because I'm fucking leaving to do auditions. I usually come in all fucked up and crashed out. Fucking. I do a bad job anyway. Now this guy is gonna start busting my ball. You say something to that guy about the avocado and then I gotta be the fucking dickhead. And then you're gonna be a dickhead to me. Oh, what's a big deal? Come on, man. What are you doing?

[B]

Trying to fucking make it work here?

[A]

Trying to get a bag after this. You're fucking up My shit. If I don't have enough cash tips to get the bag, you think they're gonna be fucking happy about that?

[B]

Now my kids are in jeopardy.

[A]

Now my kids are in jeopardy, supposedly. Go on this date, lady with this broad. I told her I worked for 3M. I don't think she believes me.

[B]

And I only got 246.

[A]

I got 245 on me. Broad wants to go out to dinner. What am I supposed to do? I wish I could bring my avocado to a restaurant where I was taking this broad.

[B]

Sure. To me, it's a bigger thing of, like, where I am as a society, we get everything we want and how you want. Like, through, like, the Ubereat, you just get anything you want. Is there.

[A]

What's a side avocado with Denny's?

[C]

It's probably three bucks.

[A]

Three bucks?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You always get screwed on that anyway. You never get a. Don't. Don't ever ask for a side of avocado. You're gonna get less than a half of an avocado.

[B]

Or some places they give you too much. Do you ever see that? No, there's been. There's some places in New York where, like, I guess you're like, you just give me 15 avocados. A lot of avocados. Really? Yeah. But it's the thing. It's like, I don't like it because it's, like, selfish to me. It's like you get to do. You get to just ruin the rules and break the rules because you like avocado with ev. First of all, you're eating avocado at every meal.

[A]

Weird.

[B]

What kind of asshole are you, huh?

[A]

I think it would go good with that soccer pasta, though, to be honest with you.

[B]

No.

[A]

No. What.

[B]

Where does that mix in?

[A]

I don't know. I got pancakes on a brain.

[B]

Getting sleepy just thinking about them. Yeah. Just fucking. Then don't go out. Then cook every meal. If you want avocado with every meal, then cook every fucking meal. Everybody. It's the same thing with, like, all making crazy changing. Can I do this? And fucking shot. I love Tommy Cassie. Tommy Cassidy does that. You go out and you go, hey, comes with a side of potatoes or a side of fucking vegetables. He goes, can I do a side of.

[A]

You know, it's always a lobster biscuit.

[B]

Yeah. Can I do a side of filet? It's like, no, motherfucker. You can't.

[A]

Tommy always wants to sub the lobster bisque for whatever size.

[B]

That's just dirt bags.

[A]

Crazy. The lobster bisque man.

[B]

But just like we come from very. Just fucking go by the rule. You bucket a little more. You know.

[A]

Excuse me.

[B]

As of recently.

[A]

What. What do I do?

[B]

I don't know why you're taking attitude to it. You're very much. You will ask to make exceptions to the rules sometimes.

[A]

I never asked to make exceptions. The rules. I will ask to add something on and pay.

[B]

No one saying you don't want to pay for it. I'm just saying there's a lot of.

[A]

Give me an example.

[B]

I don't know. Hey, this. Does it come with this? What's that? Okay. Could I just do it? There's a. There's a. Put a pin in it. A lot of talking to the waiter. More talking than anyone else at the table. I have certain dietary restrictions and requests now. Can you deep fry my avocado? I brought. Hey, you're asking them just. Hey, can you cook these mozzarella sticks? You got a bag of. You got an appetizer sampler frozen in a bag.

[A]

Instead of the salad, can I do pancakes? See, that would be a pretty even switch. Yeah. Instead of the salad or the vegetable, do pancakes. Okay, that. I would do that.

[B]

No, never write it down. Yeah, but like it's just fucking go. Just get along to go along. No need to fucking stop making. You're not important. No one's important. Just get what the fuck they have and shut the fuck up. Take that to the bank.

[A]

All right, fine.

[B]

Not you specifically.

[A]

I'll have the pancakes.

[B]

That was more towards.

[A]

I understand the royal. Us. Yeah, right.

[B]

No, we're not. Just shut the fuck up. You don't need. First of all, avocado in every meal.

[A]

Is Maybe it's good. Good fats. It's got heart stuff. It's good for. It's good non saturated fat.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

It's good. Avocado oil is good for you.

[B]

Sure. Cook with it. Do it at home. You don't eat avocado every meal. If you don't eat it in the car before go to the bathroom and boof it real quick. Fucking making your problem. Everybody's problematic.

[A]

Crushing an avocado. Need a little salsa, chibi junga?

[B]

Yeah, I don't. I don't even like slices of avocado.

[A]

You know, avocado would be good instead of the yogurt at that place. That would cool it down a little bit.

[B]

Yes. I'm. Take the edge off. That's all. That's all she's looking for.

[A]

I wonder if he cuts it there because that's Kind of a ballsy move. He just walks in with an avocado. Or does he have a little avocado in, like, a container? That might make a difference.

[B]

Hmm.

[A]

Because you could just.

[B]

I don't know what way I like better.

[A]

I think if you go in there and you're sitting there cutting it like a dickhead, that's kind of like in their face. But if you have a little bit of avocado in a thing and you just throw it on your plate and then put the container in your. In your shirt or whatever, that's not bad. Who's going to see that? What's that green stuff over there? I wouldn't say anything about that. I'd look the other way about that. But if you leave and there's a fucking dead avocado peel on the table, I gotta fucking do some explaining to my shift manager, who is a dickhead.

[B]

I already said, does not like me. Right. For my previous transgression.

[A]

Of course, I don't do my side work. I show up late, knows I'm yacked out. Sure, I might be a little hungover.

[B]

Slept on a park bench out front.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I was always crazy that you would do that to me. I was. You remember? Like, I'm just gonna go crash out on the bench. I remember being like, motherfucker, that is crazy to me.

[A]

I put my wallet and my keys in my butthole.

[B]

Uh huh.

[A]

Both fit comfortably. It would only be for like a couple hours.

[B]

No, I know. I was. I was out drinking with you. I'm well aware of the situation.

[A]

Had to be out on the scene, you know, showing it, doing it.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

It's the way it was. It's what got us here.

[B]

Baby, you fucking strung out on a park bench is what got us here. It's a way to diminish the fucking 15 years of hard work we put in. Nah, I like doing drugs and drinking till late.

[A]

And no, even when I'm making the.

[B]

Scene, even when I have responsibilities in the morning so I'll go be homeless.

[A]

No, we were out making the scene. Being out there, showing up.

[B]

We were drinking at the Villain Lantern.

[A]

Following leads.

[B]

Work in the streets, Working cis, following leads.

[A]

That's some American gangster if you guys don't know.

[B]

Yeah. All right, let's see here.

[A]

Right before he jumps out of the ambulance, which will probably be how our relationship will end, I jump out of a moving ambulance, I gotta take in. All right, that sounds good.

[B]

Hey, what's that over there? Slap chop me in the throat and fucking roll out the Bag, that's how. I don't know if it really works in real life, but if you want to get away from someone, slap chop to the throat. Apparently in movies works 100%.

[A]

Remember the one that Denzel does to the kid and he got game. He really catches. Catches him right here. What'd you say?

[B]

Yeah, I'll fucking take you out.

[A]

Fucking love that movie. Ray Allen. Great.

[B]

Gary Payton.

[A]

Gary Payton wasn't it?

[B]

All right. This is in the same world here. Which I think everybody will be on the complete. We'll take the other side here. This is from episode preview. $10 undercover. Hermano Balsura. Never had one red. Are you garbage if you sneak alcohol onto a flight? I was at the airport this weekend and I saw a lady pour two drinks into a water bottle. I'm okay with that because these fucking corporate fat cats. You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

If you can buy. I mean I don't know where she's getting that. She's either buying it as a bar, I guess, but then you're paying. It ain't cheap at a fucking airport bar.

[A]

No.

[B]

So it's good. You got to get it after.

[A]

Do they sell airplane bottles at the duty free places? I would assume they do.

[B]

Probably not the small ones. No, just the big one.

[A]

For that reason.

[B]

I would assume so. Yeah.

[A]

Because they say my only thing with.

[B]

They say I've been on flight. On international flights. They do not drink any alcohol that you don't purchase from us. Which is bullshit. You probably a lot of fight, you know. People probably get nuts.

[A]

Yeah dude, free booze on a plane. Listen.

[B]

Well, you get. Luke's got something.

[C]

So there is this thing. And I remember because Bert was doing it. You're allowed to bring like a certain amount of those airplane bottles into the airport with you. You're just not allowed to consume them on the flight.

[B]

You're allowed cuz they're under. It's like to me it could be like your toothpaste.

[C]

Exactly.

[B]

Give me a number on that. If you can do a little deep dive. Might be the Bert rule. They might have. He might have fucking ruined it for.

[C]

So it's as many as you can fit I think in a quart sized bag. Because I remember Bert being like you're allowed to bring like six of them or something. And he writes his trick for a while.

[B]

Yeah, good for you. Then. Yeah. If you can get it through security and then make fucking. Or if you're at like Applebee's and they got. They probably don't do specials at the airport like that, like the pitcher of margaritas for 9.99 or something. You know what I mean? Get you all fucked up. Otherwise I'd be going, I'd be going without a ticket. Just going through TSA PreCheck, getting up at JFK.

[A]

I'll do the Hellraiser. Pitcher, double. Here's my only thing about that. I'm a pussy when it comes to the air stuff like that's faa, whatever. That's the kind of shit they would take you off the plane for.

[B]

I think they would just go, hey, sir, you can't drink that. Also, you're in the fucking back like that.

[A]

I know, but if you have a bot, if you have conspired, like if you. If like, like there was. You think there was one where these three ladies were on like the way to like a bachelorette party and they had little, little shots and they were like, hey, we're on our way to our vacation. And they were doing like a nice little toast. And the flight attendant came over like, girls, I'm sorry, you can't have that. And took them away. And they were like, oh, okay, that I understand. But if I have it in a bottle, I've conspired.

[B]

Now you think you're enemy of the state.

[A]

Something that's.

[B]

I mean, talk about being a. A pouse.

[A]

Would you let them tie me up?

[B]

What?

[A]

What if they wanted to tie me up to the seat?

[B]

Yeah, I'd fuck, dude, I'd fucking. I'd be all over it.

[A]

I'm still trying to get my meal.

[B]

Gippy, gimme gimme nums.

[A]

Ah, the hosta.

[B]

I think, I think it would be one of those things.

[A]

Nothing on that.

[B]

Ah, the hosta. I got an apple juice with a.

[A]

Straw, a Terry Sue. I did Terry sue, say a cake because I'm to. My mouth's tied up.

[B]

I got you. I picked up picking up. You are a good actor.

[A]

This guy's a dickhead. Actually.

[B]

This is my jerk off buddy here. He don't work for 3M. Couldn't cut it, couldn't hack it at 3M. They let him go.

[A]

Hear what I said? Thank you.

[B]

I don't know if you're talking to me now or in the character and.

[A]

The character on the plane. I'm yelling at you because you let him tie me up. Didn't defend me, huh?

[B]

You deserved it. You were conspiring against people.

[A]

Alcohol problem.

[B]

I gotta drink him. Anybody at 3M, they'll put my keys in my wallet, in my ass and let me go to bed.

[A]

Yeah. That's all I'm saying is that. That's. And that's real.

[B]

I would argue that there would be less because. Listen, the guys that are doing that, people that aren't doing it aren't going to abuse it. I would argue.

[A]

No, I'd. See, I disagree.

[B]

Because then they're going to abuse it. Listen, if you want to get fucked up on a plane pouring liquor in.

[A]

A water bottle, you got a fucking problem.

[B]

I'm not saying you don't.

[A]

And you're going to slip up. That's going to be pure vodka. You're going to get fucked up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You're going to start saying some shit and you're going to end up getting fucking.

[B]

You're so wrong.

[A]

Extender to the fucking seat.

[B]

Listen, if you're.

[A]

I know how I would be.

[B]

Yeah. I've watched you drink 18 fucking Bloody Marys and be fine if you. If you had a bottle of Tito's and you were pouring it. Listen. And also, I've been on planes where I've drank them out of vodka. Shout out to that Miami Floyd, how you doing? So it's like you're gonna. If you really want to drink that bad to the point where you're gonna sneak your own vodka in or whatever, you're gonna buy the vodka. Money has never stopped. I am a. I am an alcoholic. Money has never stopped me from getting drunk. If I have fucking $40 and I can buy eight $8 drinks for $5 a piece, I'm buying them drinks. So it's like, I'm gonna drink the drinks regardless if they're mine or yours. You just want to make money off it. Delta, don't make no fucking money if I'm drinking my fucking Jameson. You know what I mean?

[A]

I know. Hey, baby. Preaching the choir.

[B]

You travel. You travel across fucking seas. They give it to you for free.

[A]

They do.

[B]

Yeah. It's free on fucking trains. If you're going to, like, if you go to Europe, if you're in the back. Yes. Wine. Fly Lufthansa flight. Dude. They come around, they give you wine. They give you shot. They give you after dinner, liqueur. They give you beers.

[A]

Liqueur.

[B]

Liqueur. Give you some Baileys.

[A]

Let me do some of that.

[B]

They'll give you. They'll give you a cup of Bailey's on ice. Okay. And come over and top you off. They don't give a. And not the little ones they got. The full bottles are pouring in cups for you.

[A]

I like that.

[B]

Like a frappe it's like my. You know.

[A]

I wouldn't mind getting back into Bailey's a little bit.

[B]

It's great.

[A]

I love it Like a gentleman.

[B]

Bailey season's coming up.

[A]

It is.

[B]

It can make nutty Irishman. Aunt Patty makes a mean nutty Irishman.

[A]

Does she?

[B]

That's how I found out about them. You'd sit around and drink that and coffees. They had little. Little like fancy shot glasses that had like stems on them. You know what I mean? And they had shamrocks on them. White shout like cleano classy not like gaudy green like real subtle and a matching picture and that's what they would be in and they would. Man the boys would get after it. You up after Thanksgiving be sitting there. I'm in a talking about looking for the air marshal. We gotta wrap it up.

[A]

What a fun one, gang. We love you to death. Get your tickets for that back on the block door. Come out and see the boys. Have a good time. We love you and we'll see you next week.

[B]

Peace.