"I Need Money!" w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Summary

Podcast Summary: Are You Garbage? “I Need Money!” w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley (July 23, 2026)

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Main Theme & Purpose

This family episode of Are You Garbage? features hosts Kevin Ryan and H. Foley in a classic, loose, and personal format. With no guest this week, the "bozos" riff about finances, housing anxiety, garbage shopping habits, and blue-collar working life. The episode's heart is Foley's comedic but genuine apartment and money struggles—a relatable throughline for listeners. Woven through are signature bits, banter about supermarkets, innovations in grocery shopping, family messes, and plenty of self-deprecating laughs about what makes someone “garbage.”

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Foley’s Housing Woes & Money Trouble

• Foley is “between apartments” and openly anxious about Manhattan’s financial hurdles (10x rent requirements, co-signers).

• Comically pleads with the listeners and friends:

  “Looking for a real estate broker in New York… All this bullshit about making 10 times whatever. We don’t need that. I get a letter from my boss and I can cover it! Help me out.” (13:34)

• Foley jokes about getting a retail job, including applying at DXL (“Four-hour lunch break, shut it down like kindergarten” 14:30).

• The throughline is the constant anxiety and absurdity of his situation—a “garbage” badge of honor by podcast standards.

2. Supermarket Culture, Shopping Fails & Innovations

• Supermarket Comedy: The duo riff on suburban supermarkets, encountering fans, and the surprising quality of bakery departments now ("Those ice cookies... they do all kinds of fun stuff" 05:50).
• “Par baked” bread confusion: Kevin describes Nadine buying baguettes that need baking—total garbage move to Foley:

  “Cook the bread, will you? That’s crazy.” (10:00)

• Shoprite's Capercart (Smart Cart): Explored as the future of shopping—camera-equipped, app-linked, AI carts to scan and pay as you go (17:00–21:00).
  • Quip about theft:

    "But people gotta be stealing with that, right?” – Foley (18:20) “This is another way to cut out fucking [jobs].” – Kevin (18:24)

3. Family Dynamics & “Garbage” Behavior

• Reflections on upbringing and shopping: Riffing on walking from the back of parking lots, the hunt for a good spot, and mall nostalgia.
• Garbage habits debated:
  • Cutting nails and beards outside (52:54)
  • Eating garlic bread last in Mesopotamia (11:07)
  • Faking slip-and-falls for free steaks (37:27)
  • Using pretzel sticks as chopsticks (48:14)

4. Financial Crises, “Bridge Loans” & Asking for Help

• Ongoing bit: Foley asks for “bridge loans,” suggests friends and fans as co-signers, and jokes about writing fake bank statements; Kevin refuses, fearful of fraud (67:44).

• Quote:

  “You’re about as straight as Mateo Lane, dog.” – Kevin (29:04)

• Discussion about never really shaking “garbage” status—age, employment, living at home all factor:

  “You can’t be 50 and a good kid making a bad choice…you are the wrong crowd.” – Kevin (61:32)

5. Fan Interactions & Listener Community

• Shout-outs to listeners, "homies and bozos," who spot the hosts at stores and drive-thrus:

  “Guy working at drive-thru with the 3:30am shift, guy going to FedEx 3:30am shift linking up—shout out to them.” (39:55–40:04)

• Announcing a Small Business Spotlight to connect fans who run/work at small businesses (40:14–41:07).

6. Random Riffs & Memorable Bits

• Keith David Confusion: Foley tries and fails to name Cameron Diaz while explaining who Keith David is (15:04–16:19).
• Messy Apartment Logistics: Foley floats faking his death for rent, or living under Randy Johnson’s identity (69:16–70:49).
• Sibling and childhood gross-out: Impressions of childhood habits and classic “bad kid” lines (65:04–66:39).
• Classic movie riffs: No Country for Old Men, The Sixth Sense (Spoiler alert!) (24:37–25:09).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Foley, on garbage fashion shopping:

  "You go to DXL, if there’s a skinny kid back there, he don’t give a shit." (01:43)

• On half-baked baguettes:

  “I ain’t preheating—as a kid, the oven might as well been a death sentence.” – Foley (08:48)

• Superfan interaction story:

  “I was in the parking lot, some woman goes, ‘Holy shit, it’s Kippy!’…Then her mom goes, ‘Who the hell is it? Who the hell is he?’” – Kevin (04:58–05:13)

• On faking fraud to get an apartment:

  “You think I’m committing fraud with you? At this point, you’re nuts if you think I’m gonna commit fraud.” – Kevin (67:58)

• On the “good kid” excuse running out:

  “You can’t be 50 and a good kid making a bad choice… you’re not running with the wrong crowd anymore, you are the wrong crowd.” – Kevin (61:32)

• Garbage traditions:

  “My mom had a slip and fall at the grocery store…the manager offered a four pack of New York strips if she didn’t file a claim…That’s old school.” (37:27)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Foley’s Jeans/Apt Shopping Struggles: 01:28–03:00; 13:34
• Supermarket/Bakery/Bread Bits: 04:28–11:11
• Capercart Smart Cart Discussion: 17:00–21:00
• Foley’s Job Hunt/Financial Crisis: 13:34–14:30; 26:34–28:20; recurring
• Listener Interactions & Small Business Spotlight: 39:46–41:07
• “Good Kid” vs. “Hemmed Up” Age/Maturity Discussion: 59:26–64:07
• Pretzel Sticks as Chopsticks Debate: 48:14
• Family/Friends Backing You Up (or Not): 64:07–65:56
• Classic Movie & Pop Culture Riffs: sprinkled throughout, e.g., 24:37–25:09

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Tone & Style

• Language: True to the hosts—irreverent, self-roasting, conversational, and blue-collar.
• Energy: High-energy banter, quick callbacks, layered inside jokes for recurring listeners.
• Ethos: Embraces being “garbage” while lampooning childhoods, working life, and financial stress.

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For New Listeners: Why This Episode?

This episode is quintessential Are You Garbage?—hilarious, personal, packed with relatable anxieties, and endlessly inventive with the definition of “garbage.” The hosts’ camaraderie shines through white-hot, as does their affection for their fans’ “trashy” questions and working-class perspective. Whether you’re job-hunting, struggling with money, or just love grocery store gripes, you’ll find gold here.

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Listen if you want:

• Laugh-out-loud blue-collar comedy
• Candid confessions of real-life messes
• Relatable rants on supermarkets, tech, and adulthood
• The odd bit about cutting your beard outside, using pretzel chopsticks, and asking your podcast partner for a co-sign

Skip if you want:

• Serious takes on finance
• Respectful debates about artisanal bread

Closing Words:
“We’re such good friends.” – Foley (70:51)
“Yeah, you’re right. We are, gang.” – Kevin (70:52)

End of Episode.

Transcript

[Sage Foley]

Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is IU Gabbage. Oh yeah, it's that little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that if they grew up to be classy or if they're just a big old piece of trash, trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, Sage Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here with Tooties in the new edition. And if you listen closely, you can hear the sounds of the blender going. Which means aunt Tootie's gonna spend the afternoon in Margaritaville getting sucked up. I thought that was God damn good.

[Kevin James]

I'm laughing, Mike.

[Sage Foley]

Host coming at you from across tables. We call it family episode. Just the boys, the bozos and the homies. Just the way we like it. Give it up for KJ Kevin James, My best pal Ryan.

[Kevin James]

Hey, what's up, gang? Shout out to you as always, please make sure you rate v. Subscribe on autunes. Full video available on YouTube. Yeah, full video available over there on Spotify. And a boys are climbing a frickin chart. We're killing it then obviously the great.

[Sage Foley]

We're killing it. He's killing it. I'm killing it. Everything's cool.

[Kevin James]

You're killing the vibe. Talking about losing the room. Patreon.com gang, let's go. You go over there, you sign up, you get up to at this point, pushing six years of bonus content. A lot, a lot of good, good, good episodes over there. You go, check it out.

[Sage Foley]

A lot of good storylines, a lot of things going on.

[Kevin James]

Uh huh.

[Sage Foley]

2x shirt, baby. How you doing?

[Kevin James]

That's great. Very proud of you. Look good.

[Sage Foley]

That in the jeans.

[Kevin James]

Got new jeans too.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah. You don't like them, do you?

[Kevin James]

I don't know.

[Sage Foley]

I don't like it either. They're like a weird gray. They're like2010.

[Kevin James]

Yeah, that's all they had. 2010's at the size

[Sage Foley]

now, I tell you, you go to that dxl, if there's a skinny kid back there, he don't give a shit.

[Kevin James]

I just got a thumbs up.

[Sage Foley]

I need a fucking quarter pounder in there.

[Kevin James]

What's that?

[Sage Foley]

I'm big boy. Yeah, yeah.

[Kevin James]

This guy they care about. Why can't you just do? I don't understand. You can't do the shop and you tried FaceTiming me this weekend. He goes, I just wanted to show you a pair of jeans. I thought you're gonna kill yourself. I go, I can't pick this up if he's on top of a roof or something. I don't have it in me to talk.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah, now. Yeah, you're worth it. You're half asleep.

[Kevin James]

Just that I'm watching forensic file.

[Sage Foley]

Just that dark hotel room. I said it once, I'll said it again. You could have. Should have killed me when he had a chance.

[Kevin James]

I don't know why you think we're so adversarial. Why do you think I should have killed you? This is your problem. There's always a good. There's always a good guy and a bad guy. And I don't hate. Newsflash.

[Sage Foley]

You should have killed me. If I was a dog, you would have shot me. That's all behind us now. Now we're chilling. Homeless, but still between. Between apartments, but yeah, there you go.

[Kevin James]

You gotta. You gotta spin the marriage.

[Sage Foley]

Spicing it up.

[Kevin James]

Yeah. Hey, I'm between apartments right now.

[Sage Foley]

I'm gonna be down there. Cousin Ian's start throwing parties when he's not around.

[Kevin James]

That's good. That's what two guys in rehab should be doing. Throwing parties.

[Sage Foley]

Well, coming in mocktails. You charge a lot of money for them.

[Kevin James]

My wife, they bang me out every time we go out.

[Sage Foley]

Get a soda, lady.

[Kevin James]

More jalopy.

[Luke]

Ipa

[Sage Foley]

mocktail. Get the I, I, I juice. I crush. I can't sip anything. God, down it.

[Kevin James]

I've never seen you sip anything.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah, I can't sip even martinis I used to watch.

[Kevin James]

Why are you using that mug? There should be no. No free promo. She sit down like Floyd Mayweather and go, is that any paying for this and throw it out.

[Sage Foley]

How do you know I haven't worked at a deal with Diminos?

[Kevin James]

We're a tooty mug. Family gang. Hoodie mug.

[Sage Foley]

Domino's, actually.

[Luke]

The way it's angled, you can't see them. Good.

[Kevin James]

Blur it out. No, stop. Stop it.

[Sage Foley]

I'll drink this.

[Kevin James]

You probably got some side deal, don't you?

[Sage Foley]

My left arm's been hurting.

[Kevin James]

Luke, did you get the pictures I sent?

[Luke]

I did.

[Kevin James]

Cool. Surveillance footage of you.

[Sage Foley]

What man? Who

[Luke]

you wanna.

[Kevin James]

Yeah. So listen. So we're a big. We're a big supermarket store.

[Sage Foley]

Yes, we are.

[Kevin James]

We have our favorites. We have ones we like, we don't like. It's a little bit of a suburban Americana. You know what I mean?

[Sage Foley]

Suburban supermarket. Especially as we always say in the summertime.

[Kevin James]

Yes. When the living's easy. I took this very picture to suburban. At a suburban supermarket in the summertime. Wegmans, Acme, shoprite.

[Sage Foley]

You've been crossing the line I've been all over it.

[Kevin James]

If I do a lot of running around, I'll stop at a nice joint.

[Sage Foley]

You will, huh?

[Kevin James]

Yeah.

[Sage Foley]

Stop at a. Stop at a shop, right?

[Kevin James]

Huh? This is actually funny. I was in the parking lot, some woman goes, holy shit, it's Kippy. I said, hey, how you doing? And she's, get out of here. She's not yelling.

[Sage Foley]

No, it's not. You didn't see me.

[Kevin James]

And she goes, oh, my God, you

[Sage Foley]

got a racing form under your arm.

[Kevin James]

She goes, oh, my God, can you take a picture? She's asking her mom. She asked her mom to take a picture and she goes, yeah. Then her mom the whole time goes, who the hell is it? Who the hell is he? Who is he? He's like, it's Kippy. And every time somebody says it's Kippy, then they act like that helps. If you don't know, you don't know Kippy. Yeah. Gibby Martin sound like a muppet. That a very nice suburban shop, right?

[Sage Foley]

Can I say this real quick? I've said it before. I tell you what, the. The bakery department at these, at these

[Kevin James]

grocery stores, they really stepped up. They really, really have.

[Sage Foley]

Next time you go in and you get a dessert, stop at the fucking bakery and get whatever they got going on that day. Those ice cookies. They do all kinds of fun stuff. And usually on like a Sunday night, if you're having dinner. I used to have dinner with my family, but they don't talk to me anymore. Bullshit. Fuck. I do.

[Kevin James]

They should have killed you when they had.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah, they should have. I get the invite down there. No more. You know how it is. Fucking either. Either, either. Either. Die to hero. You live long enough to become the bug man. But anyway, when I had a family, you. You go over there, you get like, you know, they do brownies and stuff like that. They really, they're making that. Dare I assume, right?

[Kevin James]

I gotta think of two things. One, Denise got into it with the bakery lady very recently.

[Sage Foley]

That's always awkward, man. When Patty would have beef with somebody at the deli counter or the seafood.

[Kevin James]

I get over there, they told me he wanted to get a cake and like have it.

[Sage Foley]

Was these old broads don't like being told no. Yeah, she got.

[Kevin James]

And well, the woman's like, I don't think we can get something. Gave her two. That's the last thing Denise needs is you can't get that dude from a 20. Yeah, two from a 20. Dude from a 20. Four year old.

[Sage Foley]

Denise ain't with a nose ring. Or something.

[Kevin James]

Yeah, no, I'm looking for some assistance over here. That's bad. So she could I say, you know what? See you later. And I went over to. Yeah, whatever.

[Sage Foley]

I went over to corporate.

[Kevin James]

I went over to Acme. She said, yeah, pick out any cake you want. We'll put whatever on it.

[Sage Foley]

So I think too, you get yourself a cake over there.

[Kevin James]

How do you feel about this? Nadine did this. And I didn't know the other day, I guess it was that like a Trader Joe or something like that.

[Luke]

You can funny ways.

[Sage Foley]

Trader Joe.

[Kevin James]

She doesn't pluralize.

[Sage Foley]

Trader Joe.

[Kevin James]

So I went to Trader Joe. She sounds Asian when she's. I went to a radio Joe. I hope she doesn't see this. Not like it when I make fun of this thing specifically.

[Sage Foley]

Really?

[Kevin James]

Yeah.

[Sage Foley]

That's her button, huh?

[Kevin James]

Yeah. I mean, it's not so much the button. It's the amount I do it, the exaggeration I do on it.

[Sage Foley]

To our loved ones. We get old quick, don't we?

[Kevin James]

Oh, so sweet. I'll rot your teeth. You know what I mean?

[Sage Foley]

I can't turn it off, buddy.

[Kevin James]

It hasn't been on.

[Sage Foley]

I don't like this commentary or narrative you're spinning. All right, so you're at a shop, right?

[Kevin James]

No, Nadine bought this. I guess it's fancier. I don't know of like a regular shop. Luke would know this. This is in Luke's wheelhouse. And maybe you've even dabbled. Not the picture, but I get there the other day, there's like a baguette in a. In a bag, right? You know what I mean? Yeah. It's sealed. I open it up.

[Sage Foley]

I know you're talking about.

[Kevin James]

I start eating it. It's brown, it stinks.

[Sage Foley]

What?

[Kevin James]

You buy it and then you got to cook it to last like eight minutes. How do you feel about that? What the heck is even that?

[Sage Foley]

I tell you what. Hey, toast bread. It's always better, but who's got the time? What are you doing?

[Kevin James]

I'm hungry. What do you mean, what am I doing? I'm looking for a little bit of carbohydrate. I'm looking for a nice baguette.

[Sage Foley]

So what? It was bad.

[Kevin James]

It stunk. I gave some to the baby. He didn't like it. Yeah, it's like, see if you can find it. They're like cooked 75% of the way or something. And then you do that.

[Sage Foley]

Can you. I don't know, can you half cook a bread and then keep it and

[Kevin James]

then cook it Again, she goes, were you? I knew right at the cut, when I was cut and it wasn't that good. She goes, did you like it later that day, she goes, did you eat that?

[Sage Foley]

I go, salmonella or what's in bread? Celiac.

[Kevin James]

Celiac.

[Sage Foley]

Get that sour dough in you get

[Kevin James]

all up in case of the dough. What do you got?

[Luke]

They're called par baked.

[Kevin James]

Par baked?

[Sage Foley]

Yeah.

[Luke]

You got to preheat the oven for about 10 minutes. You know, fire that in there.

[Kevin James]

Preheating for a little snack.

[Sage Foley]

I ain't pre eating as a kid. The oven might as well been a death sentence.

[Luke]

You gotta lightly mist it with water. Wrap loosely in foil to prevent drying out.

[Sage Foley]

So we're doing everybody's job here.

[Kevin James]

Yeah. What the hell?

[Sage Foley]

Cook the bread, will you? That's crazy.

[Kevin James]

I said, what are you doing buying half. Half baked here? That's crazy. Hey, Warner brother

[Sage Foley]

got me up. I know you lying. Shout out to Mojo.

[Kevin James]

Shout out the Mojo.

[Sage Foley]

I tell you this. You're not. The garlic bread in the silver thing, that's not cooked either. But still.

[Kevin James]

Yeah, that's. But that's a dish. You're buying that knowing you gotta do that.

[Sage Foley]

I haven't had garlic bread in a minute.

[Kevin James]

That's a lot.

[Sage Foley]

Oh, yeah.

[Kevin James]

Okay.

[Sage Foley]

We should just have Morty sitting in the corner and that's a lot. I haven't had garlic bread.

[Kevin James]

You stole my bit.

[Luke]

That I did.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin James]

And what comes out first? This is a hard feeling. You just scooped my bit.

[Sage Foley]

Scooped? That's a lie. Start hitting you with belt. Yeah, that garlic. I haven't had garlic bread in a long time.

[Kevin James]

What's a long time for you? Just curious.

[Sage Foley]

I can't even remember the last time I had a nice piece of garlic bread.

[Kevin James]

Must have been like 15 BC or something like that.

[Sage Foley]

The Romans were still banging. I think it was back in a restaurant in Mesopotamia. Me and this Sumerian broad were sitting down to a bowl of manicotti and I said, hey, how about a little garlic bread? You don't like that?

[Kevin James]

What?

[Sage Foley]

I calves everything. Mesopotamia. Sumerians. You know the Sumerians.

[Kevin James]

I could have Samaria.

[Sage Foley]

Hey, you were right there.

[Kevin James]

I know. What is it, though?

[Sage Foley]

Probably that yeast.

[Kevin James]

Yeah, I got Sumerian in my brain,

[Sage Foley]

you know, that's what the Mesopotamians and Sumerians, they're ancient.

[Kevin James]

No, I know what it is. I was.

[Sage Foley]

Who had way more stronger technology than people let on. I was all buried by the Vatican. Good job.

[Kevin James]

You rule. That was one for the good guys. But whatever. I'm at a fucking Shop right.

[Sage Foley]

You by yourself?

[Kevin James]

I'm by myself. I love it. I love pulling in park. You know what I do? Kind of a douchebag move. I got big. You got a big Tahoe handicap park. Parking a fire. Fire lane out front.

[Sage Foley]

Park in the fucking.

[Kevin James]

I Park about 75% back parking.

[Sage Foley]

The cart corral. Why?

[Kevin James]

Yeah, big. Big car park.

[Sage Foley]

70% back in the. In the spot?

[Kevin James]

No, in the lot.

[Sage Foley]

Oh.

[Kevin James]

I'm not like going for the first spot.

[Sage Foley]

No.

[Kevin James]

You know what I mean. I. I go back a little.

[Sage Foley]

I never.

[Kevin James]

I like stretching the leg.

[Sage Foley]

Stretching. That's the one time I like walking is through a parking A grocery store parking lot. I'll park even the mall. I'll park a little bit back.

[Kevin James]

Yeah. I don't mind.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin James]

After growing up it was this like feat to get to the closest possible one.

[Sage Foley]

It's fucking 25ft. You're gonna walk around in the mall anyway.

[Kevin James]

Mm.

[Sage Foley]

Let's you get that ain't pretzels. Orange Julius wet my whiskey.

[Kevin James]

We never had a Julius.

[Sage Foley]

Egg whites in it. They stopped making them or something. Yeah, something happened.

[Kevin James]

The half bake. But I'm at the. I go to. I go get a. I go to get a cart out of the front of the store.

[Sage Foley]

You have a list in your hands like a.

[Kevin James]

It's on the phone.

[Sage Foley]

Dunski.

[Kevin James]

A list in my hand like. No, it's on the phone.

[Sage Foley]

Happen to you?

[Kevin James]

What?

[Sage Foley]

Used to be fucking in the city, banging.

[Kevin James]

I still am fucking.

[Sage Foley]

Oh.

[Kevin James]

I'm not allowed to go to the store.

[Sage Foley]

Walk around with the heater.

[Kevin James]

What happened to me? What happened to you? What are you talking. You're currently homeless.

[Sage Foley]

I'm right here.

[Kevin James]

You make more money than a doctor.

[Sage Foley]

A good doctor. Speaking of doctors. I need somebody in a real estate game in New York City today. Yeah.

[Kevin James]

For a place tonight.

[Sage Foley]

A real estate broker in New York. I'm looking at a couple places over there in Hell's Camp. All right. And all this bullshit about making 10 times whatever. Having that in the bank account. We don't need. We didn't. You don't need that. All right. I get a. I'll get a letter from my boss telling you what I make and I can cover it. Help me out. Last thing I also.

[Kevin James]

If you're in. Annie Anne's out there. I'm looking for a job. Looking for a part time gig.

[Sage Foley]

I applied to dxl. I'm waiting to hear back.

[Kevin James]

Good.

[Sage Foley]

If I get the store on 6 Ave. I'm taking it.

[Kevin James]

I said this would be good for You. You get out. You know. A couple of hours plus talk to people.

[Sage Foley]

I'll move that. I can't. Full clothes. That's why I told him.

[Kevin James]

That's the whole job?

[Sage Foley]

Yeah, that's what the kid said. I talked to the kid in Denver and I was in Denver. I went to DXL and I was talking to the kids. Like how they treat you here? They're pretty good. Pretty good job. You got a photo of these clothes?

[Kevin James]

How long is a lunch break at the expo?

[Sage Foley]

I don't know. Four hours.

[Kevin James]

It's got to be a minute. Dude. It's got to be a stretch. It's probably a regular. But then you get a 40 minute nap. He shut it down. It's like kindergarten. Hey guys. Everybody's got a bottle of milk laying there.

[Sage Foley]

Keith David comes in and reads you a story.

[Kevin James]

Who's Keith David?

[Sage Foley]

Who's Keith David? Are you crazy? You don't know who Keith David is? He played what's her name? What's the blonde chick's name?

[Kevin James]

Wait. In order to explain who this actor is.

[Sage Foley]

Something about Mary. Who am I thinking of? What's her name? Pam Anderson. God damn it. What's the chick?

[Kevin James]

Don't tell him.

[Sage Foley]

What's her name? The blonde headed chick. She was in the mask.

[Kevin James]

Scarlett Johansson? No. Charlize Theron.

[Sage Foley]

I can see her face. See them knockers too. What's her name? Luke, Come on.

[Luke]

Jennifer Aniston.

[Sage Foley]

No. Come on. Luke.

[Kevin James]

Courtney Cox.

[Sage Foley]

No. Come on. What's her name?

[Kevin James]

Meg Ryan. True.

[Sage Foley]

Whatever. She played his dad. He was in Platoon.

[Kevin James]

Played his dad and. What?

[Sage Foley]

She played Mary's dad.

[Luke]

Cameron Crowe.

[Sage Foley]

No, Cameron.

[Kevin James]

Mary's dad.

[Sage Foley]

He played Mary's dad. The black guy played Mary's dad. You don't know Keith David Is. He's got a star in the all Hollywood Walk of Fame.

[Kevin James]

That's all bought? Yeah. 50 grand. I'll get you one this weekend.

[Sage Foley]

Is that 50 G's?

[Kevin James]

I think. Find out. What the. Yeah. You gotta bait. You gotta buy those.

[Sage Foley]

Huh? Not in a nice part of town either. That downtown LA is a gross.

[Kevin James]

Yeah. Place gives me the heebie.

[Sage Foley]

What's her name?

[Luke]

Look.

[Kevin James]

Please.

[Sage Foley]

You're gonna drive me crazy.

[Luke]

Cameron Diaz. Cameron Diaz costs 85 grand to get a star on the.

[Sage Foley]

That's all you got to do. There's Keith.

[Luke]

You recognize him once you see him.

[Kevin James]

Ernie Wells. What's his name?

[Sage Foley]

Ernie Hudson.

[Kevin James]

Ernie Hudson.

[Sage Foley]

That's key. It's Mr. Keith David. Brilliant actor.

[Kevin James]

Looks like an R B singer. I know you lying. Shout out to Mojo. Brooks, we quote Mojo, former guest of the show. I mean, he gets quote if we're on the road, if we're in the car or the green room together. I know you fucking lying, but whatever. Let's get back to this freaking shop.

[Sage Foley]

You got a short sleeve turtleneck on.

[Kevin James]

That was the funniest thing ever.

[Sage Foley]

All right, so you're in a shop, right?

[Kevin James]

I'm at a shop. Right. I go grab. I go to grab a cart.

[Sage Foley]

Yes.

[Kevin James]

You know, there's been advances in technology. AI ChatGPT. Luke, hit him. This is a cart that you just. I believe you just put your stuff in and then you pay on the cart.

[Sage Foley]

What's that cup thing?

[Kevin James]

I think it's a cup holder. That's what blows your mind. I know. I mean, you're like. It's crazy.

[Sage Foley]

I thought you put that. I thought it was a recycling. All right, so you pull that out and the cart's open.

[Kevin James]

Yeah. It's like a shopping cart with an iPad on it. It's got carplay on there.

[Sage Foley]

You plug your phone in. No way. Those are the mojo Brooks on there.

[Kevin James]

I know you.

[Sage Foley]

No shit.

[Kevin James]

Yeah. You listen to Keith Adams.

[Sage Foley]

I respect Keith David. I respect. He's done a lot of narration. He's got a great voice.

[Kevin James]

Okay.

[Sage Foley]

Oh, he's in. He's in. Rick and Morty too. Does a lot of Rick and Morty. Love that.

[Kevin James]

So then if you scan to the next one, there's instructions. Skip the line every time, pay on Capercart. Punch in on that.

[Sage Foley]

That's great. Yeah.

[Kevin James]

Scan the QR code to add your payment method in the Shoprite app. Sign in before scanning on your next Shoprite. Log into the Shoprite account on CaperCart, checkout pay on Cart. And then you just fucking go at

[Sage Foley]

checkout pay on Cart. But people got to be stealing with that, right?

[Kevin James]

Yeah, but then they're just. This is another way to cut out fucking.

[Sage Foley]

Did I ask you this on air. I can't remember when they did self checkout.

[Kevin James]

They. I was. Listen, I was in the. I was in the trenches when they rolled that out.

[Sage Foley]

We did this on air, right. They know people are gonna steal.

[Kevin James]

Yeah. You have this thing of drinking when I'm about to drink. It's crazy.

[Sage Foley]

Scoop.

[Luke]

Ya.

[Sage Foley]

That's a lie.

[Kevin James]

How would you. How do you feel about that?

[Sage Foley]

I think it's cool. Yeah. You know what I mean?

[Kevin James]

I think it should be easier than the whole app thing. It should just like ring it up. I can tap my card and get the fuck. I don't like logging in. What's the thing by the ba. You got a update? Because then you don't go in and then you got to update your wallet. That's the shit that kills me. I like the. I like the convenience and idea of all this, but the. It should just be like a fucking. You got. You can tap with your card. You know what I mean? Because then it's like log in. Then you gotta like, you gotta use that plaid or whatever to like log into your bank account. It's like 15 email.

[Luke]

Is there a way? So can you scan it? Do you have to scan it with your phone or you scan it with like a scanner in the cart?

[Kevin James]

What do you mean?

[Luke]

Like it. Like if you could just scan your items as you put them in the cart and then whatever. Yeah.

[Kevin James]

Why don't you look up Capercard? I don't know, I just. I didn't even realize you were scanning them. I just thought you just put it in there and it recognized it.

[Sage Foley]

Oh, you didn't use it?

[Kevin James]

No. Oh, I was only grabbing. I was grabbing ice.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin James]

I think you and chafing dishes.

[Sage Foley]

I think the scanner is probably in the front.

[Kevin James]

In the front.

[Sage Foley]

Should have the gun. I like the gun.

[Kevin James]

Pulling at the gun depot or something.

[Sage Foley]

Target is the gun too.

[Kevin James]

Target's got it. Walmart's got anywhere but it do depot.

[Sage Foley]

Put it on my nuts. 2 million they want for him.

[Luke]

So it says the carts instantly identify items dropped in the basket. 360 degree AI cameras.

[Kevin James]

Yeah. So you just place it in there and it gets it. That's crazy.

[Luke]

You can even weigh produce items and deli items on the fly.

[Sage Foley]

That's pretty good.

[Kevin James]

What like I was a spokesman for

[Sage Foley]

them on the fly. Whoa. That's going to save me.

[Kevin James]

What do you think about that?

[Sage Foley]

I can get home and watch anime porn.

[Kevin James]

Let me ask moderate, successful stand up comedians and podcasters Kevin Ryan and H. Foley what they think of Capercard.

[Sage Foley]

I think it's unbelievable.

[Kevin James]

Or even is it caper? Caper cart, Capricart. Any caper. Caper. That's all right though.

[Sage Foley]

The name sucks. Somebody's gonna buy that. Change it up. It's gonna be a rip cart or something like that. Yeah, rip cart.

[Kevin James]

Grab a rip cart.

[Sage Foley]

Grab a rip cart, dude. Just grab a fucking rip cart.

[Kevin James]

Fast cart.

[Sage Foley]

Fast cart's great. Cut that. Fast cart is a good idea.

[Kevin James]

Scoop. Scoop me, Kevin.

[Sage Foley]

Talk about Zocdoc, baby.

[Kevin James]

Zocdoc.

[Sage Foley]

Now I've been seeing this. This is very interesting. I like this. I got a Lot of problem making appointments and finding the doctor and all that kind of stuff. Zocdoc makes it easy.

[Kevin James]

Yes.

[Sage Foley]

Where you are, list of doctors, bang. Helps you sign up for them, get your appointments ready to go. It's really fast and easy. I love when somebody comes up with something smart like this that streamlines a process. You don't gotta call the office. Is this guy this. Does he take this insurance? Does he take that insurance? Zocdoc does it all for you.

[Kevin James]

Yes. I found my current doctor at zocdoc. I needed a physical probably about a year and a half ago.

[Sage Foley]

Remember this?

[Kevin James]

I started and I'm just the guy. I don't have all this stuff. I don't like calling and go. I take all cut out all the middleman. I chose it online. Went, ended up loving the guy. He's now my go to guy.

[Sage Foley]

There you go.

[Kevin James]

Shout out general practitioner. Yes. Zocdoc lets you search and compare local in network doctors. You can do it by all, whatever you got, bing bang, boom. It gives you hey, you can be in there by noon today type deal.

[Sage Foley]

Let's go.

[Kevin James]

They have more than five 150,000 providers within 200/specialties across all 50 states. Zocdoc's website has tons of reviews from real patients and detailed doctor profiles to help you choose the right one. See actual appointment openings and click to instantly book a visit. I don't not to make it, not to talk it down. It's like booking a reservation at a restaurant. It's that easy. They've cut out all the red tape, all the middlemen. Your health matters and taking care of yourself shouldn't be complicated. Find and book the right doctor with Zocdoc. Head to Zocdoc.com go garbage to get started and check that appointment off your to do list. That Zoc doc z o c doc.com garbage.

[Sage Foley]

Do it.

[Luke]

Do it.

[Sage Foley]

Okay, let's talk about Pesty. Pesty. Pesty. Now you're the homeowner, big Pesty guy. But Pesty just popped up over at Patty's place.

[Kevin James]

No way.

[Sage Foley]

She's got the dog. She wants to make sure that the, you know, any infestation, any pests are under control. But she wants to take care of her animal. You know what I mean?

[Kevin James]

Yes.

[Sage Foley]

Do yourself a favor, go over to Pesty.

[Kevin James]

Yes. Pesi is one of the things. Listen, my wife's at the forefront of figuring stuff out. She's getting the brands before we were using it, before they were even a sponsor. Then they were nice not to send a handheld note to me. Very nice. But listen, it's cool. It comes, you get the whole package. You dump the stuff in, you mix it up, it gives you a pair of gloves, you feel cool, you get a little pumper and I did it. I did it the first year. Boom. Put it in there, put it aside, went back to next year, plugged it right back in. I don't know how long they say it, it is very quick. I did it. Bing, bang, boom. Did two laps around a house, out the door. I think you got to let it dry for an hour. Something. It's like you can, you know, it's safe for the kids, the pets, the whole nine fricking yards. With Pesi, you can get started at $35 per treatment with a customized plan based on your location, bugs and climate. You put your address in, it goes. This is what you get. This is what you got to worry about in your neck of the woods.

[Sage Foley]

Let's go.

[Kevin James]

Gets rid of over 100 types of bugs, from spiders to ants to roaches and squirrels. Scorpions. You got scorpions, you got bigger, you got bigger issues. It's kid and pet friendly and offers 100% bug free guarantee or your money back. Keep bugs out of your summer sanctuary with Pesti. Go to pesti.comayg for an extra 10% off your order today. That's pesty. P E s t I e.com ayg for an extra 10% off.

[Sage Foley]

It's all changing, man. It's all AI dog. All AI.

[Kevin James]

You always talk like you're like buttoning up a movie. It's all changing, dog.

[Sage Foley]

All right.

[Kevin James]

No country for fat men over here. Zip it. Well, I guess you get caught living or you get caught dying.

[Sage Foley]

That's right. I love speaking words from Capricard. That, that speech at the end of no country for Old Men. The guy in the wheelchair, oh, it's so good. His uncle who ain't all waiting on you. That's vanity. You got to put a tourniquet on it.

[Kevin James]

Do you have any other notes on 20 year old movies we can talk about also? It's like, that's like the most famous, like, ending of a movie. That and Sixth Sense when you find out he's a ghost. What? I told you that Pat stole that grudge against me.

[Sage Foley]

You told him?

[Kevin James]

Yeah. He's like, dude, you fucking ruined Sixth Sense for me. I go, I've never seen the movie, so I don't know. He's like, still hold.

[Sage Foley]

That was a shocker. That's a movie I wouldn't mind going. That's something you can just watch.

[Kevin James]

Six cents.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah. Makes you. Makes me really miss Philly. They shoot over there on Spruce street in Delancey. That part of town?

[Kevin James]

Sure.

[Sage Foley]

Live over there.

[Kevin James]

Be all right you don't have a house here. You want to. You want a place down in Rittenhouse Square. If you can't afford Hell's Kitchen, you definitely can't afford Rittenhouse Square.

[Sage Foley]

Somebody hit me up serious. Inquirers only.

[Kevin James]

You're looking to rent? Yeah. Okay. All right. Well. What?

[Sage Foley]

I'm looking to rent, but I know Manhattan's fucking all bougie. You gotta have like 10 times the rent in your bank account and all that shit. It all really depends how much you and JB are gonna play ball with.

[Kevin James]

Don't do this to me. What do you think? It's not me playing ball.

[Sage Foley]

It's jb.

[Kevin James]

What do you mean?

[Sage Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin James]

No, we went over this. You think you can use the corporate bank account? Why not? The game's over, man. What? This is the third time we're going through this.

[Sage Foley]

When?

[Kevin James]

You know when.

[Sage Foley]

What?

[Kevin James]

Last summer.

[Sage Foley]

All right. I'm all clean.

[Kevin James]

Now, this. This apartment you were supposed to. This is very hard feelings. You were supposed to use this apartment to get your feet under you.

[Sage Foley]

Right.

[Kevin James]

And you didn't.

[Sage Foley]

I did. I paid some days off.

[Kevin James]

Okay?

[Sage Foley]

But I got fucking 10 times.

[Kevin James]

No one's saying you do. That's why you move in with Cousin Ian.

[Sage Foley]

Yes.

[Kevin James]

Get your feet on. That's great. That's great for you. It's great for content. It's like living in the box. Like when the. When. When the heavyweight champ goes back and lives in the boxing gym. You got. You got two. You got two. Rocky. Too. Man. You got tigers and you got Corvettes. You're living the fucking movie star life. You gotta get back in there. Real feel.

[Sage Foley]

Mickey's dead.

[Kevin James]

Luke's dead. You know what I mean? Get back in the gym. Live it. You stop living it. Man, I don't know. I'm taking pictures of fucking shopping.

[Sage Foley]

The hell are you talking about?

[Kevin James]

But think about that. That you back in there, hand to hand combat. You and Ian laughing, coming up with stuff.

[Sage Foley]

Got a pot with him.

[Kevin James]

Go for it.

[Sage Foley]

Called no cameras.

[Kevin James]

Take bets on Cal. On how long that last shout out

[Sage Foley]

to my cousin Ian out there.

[Kevin James]

Obviously. Cousin.

[Sage Foley]

My boy.

[Kevin James]

You know what's pretty cool? Is that a live show. Some people will wear cousin Ian shirts and be like, I gotta represent the family, which you love. To see.

[Sage Foley]

Love it.

[Kevin James]

Someone yelled out Ian the other day at the. Just yelled it out. They were like, ian, where did I

[Sage Foley]

see a Matt and Shane T shirt? Was one of the. One of the guys in the special? One of the audience members in the special?

[Kevin James]

I don't know. What special are you talking about?

[Sage Foley]

Special we got coming out in September.

[Kevin James]

Whoa.

[Sage Foley]

Big are you garbage special coming out in September. All are you garbage film down there at side splitters Tampa over the weekend. It's our best work. Excited about it, Mort?

[Kevin James]

11 moored.

[Sage Foley]

11, yeah.

[Kevin James]

All right, listen. Enough screwing around with you. What you have in your bank account. What you don't have in your bank account. Let's.

[Sage Foley]

I'm aware that I've made some mistakes. I'm owning up to them.

[Kevin James]

Yeah. No one's saying you're not cool.

[Sage Foley]

So we're cool.

[Luke]

Everything's erased, right?

[Kevin James]

Starting now.

[Sage Foley]

Let's just hit one. You hit me with a reset, will you?

[Kevin James]

You've gotten. What reset can I give you? You want more money, that's what you want. It's not a reset.

[Sage Foley]

It's not.

[Kevin James]

You seem to make it about money. The word bridge loan was thrown out. Advance.

[Sage Foley]

Straight. Chilling.

[Kevin James]

You're about as straight as Mateo Lane, dog.

[Sage Foley]

Shout out to Mateo Lane out there on fucking Broadway. They could talk about family.

[Kevin James]

Yeah.

[Sage Foley]

He starred in Chicago on goddamn Broadway.

[Kevin James]

Now he's a good actor. Actor.

[Sage Foley]

He's a great actor. That kid can do everything.

[Kevin James]

That was a shot at you.

[Sage Foley]

Oh, fair enough. Hey, I'll take it.

[Kevin James]

Now, that's a guy with talent.

[Sage Foley]

Really does.

[Kevin James]

Yeah. He. He singing, dancing. He's like acting. He's talented. Roaring.

[Sage Foley]

Tight little body on him, too.

[Kevin James]

He's talented. To the fact where I just like. To the point where I go like, oh, I don't even know.

[Sage Foley]

Like, it's crazy. We do the same thing.

[Luke]

Yeah.

[Sage Foley]

I mean, we don't. Sure.

[Kevin James]

But yeah. You're just like, oh, wow, that's. Yeah, we can be funny in conversation. It's like, that guy is like, just. I can riff. You know what I mean? That guy's a goddamn singer. You guys are doing Chicago.

[Sage Foley]

Chicago. I wouldn't mind seeing that.

[Kevin James]

I wouldn't mind doing Mulan Rouge.

[Sage Foley]

Really. I've seen Miss Saigon and I've seen Les Miserables. They're the only two Broadway shows I've ever seen. I don't go in for all that Disney, the Lion King and all that crap. Yeah, I like straight plays.

[Kevin James]

Old school.

[Sage Foley]

Mammoth. Pinter, Mammoth.

[Kevin James]

Old school. He's alive, isn't he?

[Sage Foley]

No, but that's all like straight plays, no music, you know you like them? Yeah.

[Kevin James]

What was the last one you went and saw?

[Sage Foley]

I couldn't tell you.

[Kevin James]

Yeah. You don't like them that much. You like saying that you think I

[Sage Foley]

had garlic bread that night? I'm saying I would go.

[Kevin James]

But you don't know. You would do a lot of shit.

[Sage Foley]

Sure.

[Luke]

Yeah.

[Sage Foley]

Well, if I get this place over in Hell's Kitchen, I'll be right

[Kevin James]

in the theater district. Yeah, there's. There's some. There's some people who are bragging line y' all with a broker, but they're like. They're not.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah, see, no, I need like corporate broke now. I need somebody that's gonna play ball at a big. At a big high rise.

[Kevin James]

Why don't you get a longer sublet?

[Sage Foley]

Longer sublet?

[Kevin James]

Yeah, like an eight month sublet or something.

[Sage Foley]

They still check the books and shit? I don't even snooping around? No. What?

[Kevin James]

Get Patty to cosign for it?

[Sage Foley]

Fuck that. Hey, be in bed with her, she'll get denied too.

[Kevin James]

Why? It's not as bad as you think.

[Sage Foley]

She'll get denied too. I should get Luke. Fucking little shit. Be working at a Foot locker room.

[Kevin James]

Getting your. Getting your employee to fucking co sign for you is wild work.

[Sage Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin James]

You live a specific life.

[Luke]

You've made some great decisions and horrible decisions.

[Sage Foley]

That means yes.

[Kevin James]

That's crazy.

[Sage Foley]

Very true. Yeah.

[Kevin James]

You have an implants. What a while. What a wild way to live life. You have an employee who could go sign for you.

[Sage Foley]

Four employees. Five if I count you. A girl who does my books.

[Kevin James]

You got more than that.

[Sage Foley]

Do I?

[Kevin James]

I guess. Full time employees. There's 1, 2, 3. There's 4.

[Sage Foley]

Nice.

[Kevin James]

Then. A lot of independent contractors or can

[Sage Foley]

them for a couple of weeks keep their checks?

[Kevin James]

Don't think that hasn't crossed your mind. Convince them all to go on strike or something like that.

[Sage Foley]

Using that.

[Kevin James]

Start embezzling the fucking union.

[Sage Foley]

Dudes like Hoffa. Yeah, right. Then I end up fucking. Then De Niro kills me.

[Luke]

That's your dream though, right?

[Kevin James]

What if De Niro killed you? Yeah, everything would be all right.

[Sage Foley]

I'd rather be Pacino. I'm honestly more of a Pacino man than I am De Niro.

[Kevin James]

When he pops out of your closet in Hell's Kitchen, I got him cheap.

[Sage Foley]

All right, let's get out of business. It's a goddamn family episode, gang. As you know, when you sign up for the old Patreon, you submit your question. Ever written on the Air by Kevin Ryan himself.

[Kevin James]

And if you're selected, you get the rent, you get to co sign for Mr. H. Foley.

[Sage Foley]

You know, I should be hitting up

[Kevin James]

who I don't know who.

[Sage Foley]

I don't know. Come to me.

[Kevin James]

Why don't you ask, like, one of our rich friends.

[Sage Foley]

Who?

[Kevin James]

You know who?

[Sage Foley]

Kreischer.

[Kevin James]

Any of them.

[Sage Foley]

Segura?

[Kevin James]

Schultze.

[Sage Foley]

Schultze. What, the CO sign or just. I just give some cash.

[Kevin James]

Yeah. Let me get straight here. Guys going through a rebuilding phase?

[Sage Foley]

Yeah. Why don't.

[Kevin James]

They'll break you off.

[Sage Foley]

You think? Nah, couldn't do that.

[Kevin James]

Let's see if they'll co sign.

[Sage Foley]

No.

[Kevin James]

What do you think they would.

[Luke]

They need content, too.

[Kevin James]

That's true.

[Sage Foley]

Like, no, I would never write off. Listen, we're joking here. I would never ask somebody to do that. I'm not a dirt bag.

[Kevin James]

What?

[Sage Foley]

All right, I'm a dirt bag.

[Kevin James]

But, yeah, you just ask me.

[Sage Foley]

I wouldn't go. Yeah, you're different. You're family. Not going to fucking Schultz and asking him for, like, a $75,000 loan, which he's got.

[Kevin James]

What's the investment term? I'm overextended or leveraged or what's the like.

[Luke]

I mean, like, you're cash poor, but I'm like, liquidity issues.

[Sage Foley]

Liquidity. I got broke. I blew it all on drugs. Oh, all right. Let's quit screwing around.

[Kevin James]

Yeah, we got a goddamn shot of gun. Okay. All right, let's see. This one is from Matt. Ten Dollar Homie. Never had one red.

[Sage Foley]

My glasses were on there the whole time.

[Kevin James]

Take it from the top.

[Sage Foley]

It's embarrassing my fucking readers.

[Kevin James]

Embarrassing? That's more embarrassing than being 50 with no money and asking your mom to co sign on a loan for you?

[Sage Foley]

Talking about a publicly to hundreds of thousands of people.

[Kevin James]

Is that how many people listen to the show?

[Sage Foley]

Pretty popular program. Which we appreciate you and thank you.

[Kevin James]

Yes, thank you very much. I felt bad the other day. I was running from that. I was running home from the airport. I was in a rush, and this kid, like, saw. It was a crowded airport and this kid saw me and he was like, trying to say, what's up? Like, he's like, hey, what's up? Did you see him? No, bigger. Like, kind of stock ear kid. I hit him with the bug man's right back there. And I had a fucking.

[Sage Foley]

I was just. When you were moving and shaking.

[Kevin James]

I was moving and shaking. Wow. And I gave. It was very nice. And he came. He's like, I'll be listening. Need to hold the whole flag. Oh, thanks, bro. Appreciate you. Thanks so much.

[Sage Foley]

Shout out to him.

[Kevin James]

Hit me with a God bless you on the way.

[Sage Foley]

I've been hitting people that hit me. I do that to Uber drivers every once in a while.

[Kevin James]

I doubt they like that.

[Sage Foley]

No, that's who I hit it to. You know? And God bless.

[Kevin James]

We're talking jc.

[Sage Foley]

Well, they don't know that, but you know, whatever higher power they pray to,

[Kevin James]

you know, they appreciate Eyes on you guys. This guy's woods. This guy's vulnerable and willing to do anything for a payday.

[Sage Foley]

Al Qaeda real estate.

[Kevin James]

You would be the guy they honeypot.

[Sage Foley]

I just got a job entertaining the troops in Yemen. They're good fellas.

[Kevin James]

We should do a USO tour.

[Sage Foley]

I been telling you, man. Get me in a fucking Blackhawk.

[Kevin James]

Blackhawk, sure.

[Sage Foley]

No, I sent a Blackhawk. That'd be cool. None of that fucking Germany shit. I want to go out to the front lines. Maybe I'll catch a frag in it. Do me a favor.

[Kevin James]

He steals someone's hand grenade. Listen, this one's from Matt.

[Sage Foley]

We're having fun.

[Kevin James]

10$. This is all for comedy purposes?

[Sage Foley]

Yeah, nobody freak out. Everything's cool.

[Kevin James]

He got 800 credit.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah, that's another thing till my credit's tank. Come on. Don't worry about me.

[Kevin James]

You keep bringing a bench.

[Luke]

Dropped a juicy tidbit.

[Kevin James]

Your credit was always better than mine.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah, well, it ain't no more, okay? Now pull the shast out of your ears and fucking. Let's get to work. We're up in the ad reads. This happens.

[Kevin James]

57 ads. You're doing them.

[Sage Foley]

Go ahead.

[Kevin James]

This is for Matt. Never had one read. My mom had a slip and fall at the grocery store when I was a kid. The manager offered a four pack of New York strips if she didn't file a claim. She came home like we won the lottery and was completely bruised on her left side. That's crazy, man.

[Sage Foley]

That's old school.

[Kevin James]

That's a tough broad too.

[Sage Foley]

What was it? Four pack of what?

[Kevin James]

Four pack of New York strip New York strips. What's that go for now? In today's dog, that's probably about 60,

[Sage Foley]

70 hours worth of meat.

[Kevin James]

Four pack of steaks. Dude, steaks are so expensive.

[Sage Foley]

Are they?

[Kevin James]

Yeah, I don't know why. Especially go get looking at a nice steak out. Not even a nice place. Like 48 bucks. Mm, fuck is this?

[Luke]

It's probably running at 15 bucks a steak.

[Sage Foley]

She should have fucking sued this shit.

[Kevin James]

No, Juicy.

[Luke]

If they're good, it could be like 25.

[Sage Foley]

I wonder why that fuzzes.

[Kevin James]

I doubt they were good.

[Sage Foley]

I think that falls on the store manager though. Like why he. I guess maybe.

[Kevin James]

Yeah, just you know, the no slippers, whatever. Listen, those cool. I've worked in those corporate things. It's like the, the people who end up being store manager like really fucking care and like they put, you know, part of the company looks for people who will put the company first kind of. And like not cut corners or whatever but like will convince customers to not get, not file a claim.

[Sage Foley]

Right.

[Kevin James]

Just because it's just negative, bad, whatever, whatever cost of money. That way if they're up for fucking, you know, your, your stores up for review and they're like well we had to pay out $100,000 in claims for your store that don't look good on you know, rather four pack claim. Someone stole it. Yeah, there you go. Books are even. I mean sure,

[Sage Foley]

I feel you.

[Kevin James]

They're going to go fake a slip and fall to Wegmans.

[Sage Foley]

Never.

[Kevin James]

Which I said this before. I don't love a Wegmans and I found out why.

[Sage Foley]

It's too close to Walgreens.

[Kevin James]

You're not wrong. You're not wrong. I got room for one W store.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah, it doesn't do it for me.

[Kevin James]

The aisles aren't all straight. There's a lot of like wacky turn. Then you're in traffic behind. It's just like up and down. We solved this grid system.

[Sage Foley]

Grid system. The fuck grid system.

[Kevin James]

All right, let's see here. This one's from Louis. Is it garbage if the McDonald's drive thru cashier calls you a $10 homie for listening to AYG?

[Sage Foley]

Let's go.

[Kevin James]

I was getting a coffee before my FedEx shift at 3:30am Listening to the new Patreon at Drive Thru. Hands me my coffee and says what's up $10 homie.

[Sage Foley]

Let's go.

[Kevin James]

Go baby. That is some blue collar boys.

[Sage Foley]

That's what we're talking about.

[Kevin James]

Guy working at Drive thru with the 3:30am Shift guy going to FedEx 3:30am shift. Linking up.

[Sage Foley]

Shout out to him, boys. Thank you fellas.

[Kevin James]

Yes. This is a perfect time to bring up our new segment that we decided to do today. Okay, do it. But we can announce it.

[Sage Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin James]

We're gonna do a small business spotlight. This came up with, came in the idea of through a, through a listener when I was asking for help with the pool. A bunch of pool guys and electrician. Everybody came out of the woodworks looking to help. I was like, oh, this is a really fucking cool. And some guy was like, dude, you should, you know, let people know if there's someone who does windows in St. Louis that I would rather use a homie or a bozo.

[Sage Foley]

Love that.

[Kevin James]

I was like, oh, that's fucking awesome.

[Sage Foley]

Build a network.

[Kevin James]

Yes. So there'll be a link in the description of this show. You can click that. And if you own a small business, only owners of small businesses are like,

[Sage Foley]

whatever, no screwing around.

[Luke]

Yeah.

[Kevin James]

And you can enter it and we'll pull some and we'll do it and we'll like profile them on the show. We'll go over, we'll look at your Instagram, the whole nine yards.

[Sage Foley]

I love that.

[Kevin James]

And kind of. But fill out all the information so we know where you are, what you do, all that kind of stuff and

[Sage Foley]

shout out to it.

[Kevin James]

Yeah, we'll have a, we'll have a good time with it while supporting the bootstrapping, the goddamn, goddamn army of garbage. You know what I mean? Who do you trust more than a homie and a bozo?

[Sage Foley]

That's right, Kim. Let's talk about that chili pad 2.0 by Sleep Me. Chili Pad. Are you the kind of person who's constantly flipping your pillow to the cool side of the pillow only for it to last about 10 seconds? Here's the truth. Great sleep isn't random. It's temperature. And cooler nights lead to better days. That's why Chilipad by Sleep Me comes in.

[Kevin James]

Yes, that's exactly why we want to tell you about Chilipad 2.0 by Sleep Me, the most advanced version yet of the bed cooling system, built specifically for people who are tired of waking up hot and sweaty. Baby, that's my worst friggin nightmare. Chillipad 2.0 actively cools or warms your bed using water. It's a thermostat for your bed and water is the key here. Fans just move hot air around. Chilipad uses actively chilled water to cool the bed, actually pulling heat away from your body. Like it's the difference between standing in front of a fan and jumping into a cold, chilly willy pool. And it works with your existing mattress. No new bed needed. Visit www.sleep.me garbage to get up to $255 off your Chilipad 2.0 with the code Garbage. This special offer is available for all you Garbage listeners and only for a limited time. Order today with free shipping and try it out for 30 days. You can return it for free if you don't like it with their sleep trial one more time. Visit www.sleeps l e e p.me garbage. Never wake up hot and tired again.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah, Kip. Let's talk about Chime Chime. Telling you right now, this is something my younger self could have really appreciated. If I look back, go back and tell myself, smack myself around. Because most of us, you're 16. You get a bank, you never look back. Sound familiar? Then you're locked in for the rest of your life. We're talking about Chime, baby. Chime comes in. Chime is changing the way people bank. They're not like a traditional banks who charge fees and gatekeeper perks, all that kind of stuff. This place gives you the perks, they give you the rewards. They're absolutely fantastic. It's not like traditional banks that love gatekeeping the best rewards and pile on hidden fees. Unless you have a massive balance. I don't got a massive balance.

[Kevin James]

Which I do not currently.

[Sage Foley]

Right now you got a building. Building period. Chime offers the most rewarding fee, free banking. All with no overdraft fees, no monthly fees and no minimum balance fees.

[Kevin James]

Let's go. You get 5% cash back on the Chime card in a category of choice like gas or groceries. All while budgeting credit through regular everyday spending. With no credit check, you can grow your money faster with savings rate that's nine times the national average. Woo doggy. Right now you can join the millions who are already banking fee free with America's number, number one choice for banking. Head to chime.comgarbage that's chime.comgarbage. sign up now. It only takes a few minutes. Chime is a fintech, not a bank. Banking services and CHIME card provided by Chimes Bank Partners. Qualifying direct deposits required. Terms and limits apply. Go to chime.com disclosures for details. Do it. Yeah. All right. Let's see here. What a perfect segue that was. I wasn't even planned.

[Sage Foley]

Who you do very well with.

[Kevin James]

Those kids are good.

[Sage Foley]

Lucky with the Segways.

[Kevin James]

Thank you.

[Sage Foley]

Like Doc Holliday, quick on the draw.

[Kevin James]

That's when we were out there. And out there on red rocks. On that hike, I felt like I was in 310 to Yuma. It was hot.

[Sage Foley]

Are they red?

[Kevin James]

Are they red? He seemed like a nice guy. Yeah, they're red.

[Sage Foley]

What is that, Clay?

[Kevin James]

I don't know. How do you think that rock is

[Sage Foley]

300 million years old?

[Kevin James]

Damn, he's good.

[Sage Foley]

I know how old rocks are. Yeah. The structure of the universe.

[Kevin James]

Okay.

[Sage Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin James]

You focus on an apartment. All right? All that all that brain power stuff. Cracking the universe. You crack else catch you.

[Sage Foley]

Am I right about 200? About two.

[Kevin James]

Yeah.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin James]

I think you heard us talking. Scooped him.

[Sage Foley]

That was a lie. Which I don't know if I buy that by the way.

[Kevin James]

What?

[Sage Foley]

And they wouldn't be able to tell

[Kevin James]

that carbon date now.

[Sage Foley]

Carbon dating is only good. Good for so long. Not to mention they wouldn't be sitting there for 300 million years just like that. It would have moved around.

[Kevin James]

Nobody said they were.

[Sage Foley]

What are they doing?

[Kevin James]

Well, if we found them in the 1800s, they could have been somewhere else 3 million years ago. That's also why they say they were shaped like that.

[Sage Foley]

Why?

[Kevin James]

Because there's like a ridge of them going down. There's like 15 of those like think they're called like the dinosaur spikes or whatever. That's result. This was loosely explained the result of the stuff moving. They weren't always tectonic, I guess. I don't know. But yes, very cool.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah, it's cool. Millions of years we're here for blip.

[Kevin James]

Yeah, that was like. We was shout out Denver. We fucking sold out five shows. But the late late show wasn't fully sold out. There was like 20 tickets left. And I was like really wanted to sell it out. And I was like sitting there running like fucking 300 million years old. I'm worried about selling like fucking dust on a fucking. You know I'm worried. Shit don't matter is what I'm trying to say.

[Sage Foley]

But we did end up selling it out.

[Kevin James]

We did it in five sold out shows. Yes, very cool. Thank you. Shout out to the fucking all the homies and bozos. Five sold out shows.

[Sage Foley]

Shout out to the comedy works in Denver.

[Kevin James]

Yes. Best. One of the best clubs in the country.

[Sage Foley]

100%.

[Kevin James]

All right, let's see here. This one's from Marty. $10 big contributor. I once saw a guy spray painting his late 90s Mustang in a self service car wash bay. I don't know if I witnessed a garbage or a cover up of a major major crime. That's. Nothing good happens at those places.

[Sage Foley]

No, I've always been. They were popular in the 80s too. I always felt sketchy in there.

[Kevin James]

We. I only really knew of one and it wasn't in like a great neighborhood. I mean we used to have to go pay a bookie there. I don't know if he like managed it or that's where he worked or he lived by there. But that was my only. That was my first. We just go to Carwash usa. That's where we went.

[Sage Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin James]

But then, like, we would. As we got older, we're doing, like, more construction. We'd, like wash out the back of the bed and stuff. If we were, like, moving rocks or fucking, you know, try. You'd spray out the bed, but, like, how much? I guess it's probably, what, like two or three bucks in quarters to spray something like that?

[Sage Foley]

Yeah. You don't get the wax.

[Kevin James]

You don't get nothing. You get the soap. I guess it's some.

[Sage Foley]

That is for after you hit somebody.

[Kevin James]

Yeah. That's like you're cut. You're covering something.

[Sage Foley]

That's hit and run. Shit. Get the deer's blood off the front of your car.

[Kevin James]

There's also a lot of just not great people hanging out around there. A lot of episodes of Cops. People getting arrested.

[Sage Foley]

Like, shifty.

[Kevin James]

Yeah. Because they're never in great neighborhood and

[Sage Foley]

there's no one watching them.

[Kevin James]

Yeah, that's another good point. You can hang out. There's, like, outlets. You can probably plug your phone in. There's a vending machine. There's people coming and going. You can fucking grift them.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin James]

Steal something. Beg for something. That might be a good job for you.

[Sage Foley]

There you go. Check it out.

[Kevin James]

All right. Let's see here. This is a great name. Worst summer ever to Electric boogaloo. $20. Texas trash. Never have one. Red use. Ever use pretzel sticks as edible chopsticks?

[Sage Foley]

Pretzel sticks as edible chopsticks.

[Kevin James]

That's a good time.

[Sage Foley]

That's all right.

[Kevin James]

I'm not good with them.

[Sage Foley]

Pretzel sticks and ice cream is very, very underrated.

[Kevin James]

I remember doing that as a kid.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah. Just throwing pretzels and ice cream.

[Kevin James]

The salt, the sweet. That's what it is, right?

[Sage Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin James]

That's a pretzel cone.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin James]

Which are pretzel cones. National?

[Sage Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin James]

Yeah. I don't know.

[Sage Foley]

Probably international. I mean, they got Europe. They do big stuff with ice cream. They got a lot going on. They'll do the fucking fake cone, hit you with that thing.

[Kevin James]

That ain't Europe. Not tonight, no. Yeah, if Europe's in Pakistan, what the fuck you talking about?

[Sage Foley]

That's a turkey move. I didn't hear a lot of things about turkey. I want to go over there, hang out. See, with no booze though, right? Oh, what do I care?

[Kevin James]

I don't know. That was your first concern. You tell me what you care. Let's focus on rent first. Okay. International travels.

[Sage Foley]

I might go over there, try this ice cream.

[Kevin James]

You get mad, kill the guy what, you get mad because he won't give you the cone?

[Sage Foley]

I fucking ran it.

[Kevin James]

International incident written all over it. You're an interesting man, Hank. Interesting man. And that's why we love you.

[Sage Foley]

Thank you.

[Kevin James]

Kevin, cut that. Another deep cut of a name. This one's from Mova Mulva. An additional deep cut.

[Sage Foley]

Come on.

[Kevin James]

$10. Chip ahoy. Never have one red.

[Sage Foley]

I want a Chip Ahoy.

[Kevin James]

If you know, you know.

[Sage Foley]

If you know, you know.

[Kevin James]

Those are deep Seinfeldian cuts.

[Luke]

I did not.

[Kevin James]

Is it garbage that my dad wants? Specifically ordered two happy hour margaritas from a waitress because he insisted. We arrived at 6,56, four minutes before happy hour ended. But we were deliberately not seated until 7:02.

[Sage Foley]

Whoa.

[Kevin James]

Yes. The manager had to get involved.

[Sage Foley]

Wow.

[Kevin James]

Huh?

[Sage Foley]

I respect it.

[Kevin James]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I see the.

[Sage Foley]

I see both.

[Kevin James]

You give it to them 100% hospitality. You give it to them guys there. You drug your feet sitting them, plus those fucking.

[Sage Foley]

Listen, listen, listen. Let's cut the bullshit. We all know those. Those happy hour margaritas are not the same as the regular margaritas. It's some pre. Mixed or watered down. They're in a smaller mug. Whatever it is, just give them the fucking thing.

[Kevin James]

Yeah, it's also like if these are the two you got to keep and then he's gonna order one. Or like.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah, you know, he's getting fucked up. He's drinking. He's ordering fucking two margaritas.

[Kevin James]

He's arguing over four minutes. He's getting fucked up. Yeah, but if you did come in at like, that's like. The restaurant doesn't close till 11.

[Sage Foley]

Like, you know as vicious is McDonald's with that. With that fucking that.

[Kevin James]

They. I thought it was all day now.

[Sage Foley]

No, they cut your right off. I was in. I was in a McDonald's drive through

[Kevin James]

all day at some point. Or some of them are.

[Sage Foley]

I was in a McDonald's drive thru not that long ago and we ordered and then heard the cutoff. That's it. There's some guy behind your mid order.

[Kevin James]

I'll do two hash browns.

[Sage Foley]

That's all you get fucking freak out.

[Luke]

That's the system, though.

[Sage Foley]

That's a computer. Yeah, yeah, but it should be all day. What are we doing?

[Kevin James]

It was.

[Luke]

It was like for Covid. For a second.

[Kevin James]

No, this is also. I remember living in fucking Queens when I lived in Queens.

[Sage Foley]

You lived in Queens?

[Kevin James]

I lived in Astoria before you, dog.

[Sage Foley]

No, it's not true.

[Kevin James]

It is.

[Sage Foley]

I lived there 10 years ago.

[Kevin James]

I lived there a hundred years ago.

[Sage Foley]

No, you couldn't live there before me.

[Kevin James]

I lived there 300 million years ago at the Red Rocks because I.

[Sage Foley]

You couldn't live there before because I'm. When I moved up here, I moved into a queen's apartment. And you hadn't moved up here yet.

[Kevin James]

That wasn't a story.

[Sage Foley]

Still down there in Philly, figuring it out.

[Luke]

They ended it.

[Sage Foley]

Who?

[Kevin James]

Who did? Please.

[Sage Foley]

He was.

[Kevin James]

He's going down. Some weird competition.

[Luke]

They ended it during COVID During?

[Kevin James]

Yeah, because they had it for sure. Because I remember I was. I didn't know they did it. I was in a McDonald's over there on Broadway, like 34th and Broadway, and fucking guy in front of me ordered like a couple of McGriddles. I said, yo, guy, what are you on fucking Pluto?

[Sage Foley]

And then they gave him 2:30 in the afternoon.

[Kevin James]

Yeah, they gave them to him. I said, I'll do the big breakfast just as an appetizer.

[Sage Foley]

I was a big breakfast kid back in the day. Whoo.

[Kevin James]

They still do that? The big breakfast. Sausage patties were fucking something else. A little red pepper flake or something in there. Get you going. I'll start your day. All right, let's see. This one's from Nick Furino. Hey, gang. Ten dollar pool, chemmy sponsor. Never had one red. Oh, no. Never mind. It says, never had more than five red kids out. A couple red kid. Kid writes a good question. Is it garbage that I cut my nails and trim my beard outside so I don't have to clean up the bathroom?

[Sage Foley]

Cut my nails and trim my beard outside so I have to clean the bathroom? Yes. It's a gentleman's move.

[Kevin James]

I don't hate it, but what do you do with this? I need to see the beard. I know, right? And I need a. I need. I need a. I need a system to see the saw. I got to see it from the angles. Seven cameras.

[Sage Foley]

Maybe he's got a. Maybe he's got a mirror out there.

[Kevin James]

A vanity. A vanity, but out. But then, like, if you got an

[Luke]

outdoor shower, I could see it.

[Sage Foley]

Like, he also could be a real man.

[Kevin James]

What's that mean?

[Sage Foley]

Like, he just trims it. He just knows how to do it. He has, like a good beard where he just has to.

[Kevin James]

Yeah, but you still need to see.

[Sage Foley]

Not these real guys.

[Kevin James]

I don't know about that. So a real man can just blindly trim? Yeah, Okay.

[Sage Foley]

I can't. I fucked up in Denver.

[Kevin James]

Gave yourself herpes?

[Sage Foley]

No, I got fucking. I'm trimming my beard. It looked weird. I had to fix it.

[Kevin James]

Yeah, I didn't know.

[Sage Foley]

Scissors. You notice it now? Good.

[Kevin James]

I don't think so. What'd you mess up?

[Sage Foley]

To my mustache. Yeah, I'd like to shave, but it's just I look so gross. I look gross now, but I think you look good now. Huh?

[Kevin James]

I was talking to Luke. No, Yeah. I think. I mean, in comparison, you look fantastic.

[Sage Foley]

Oh yeah.

[Kevin James]

You look amazing.

[Sage Foley]

That picture from Austin.

[Kevin James]

We're moving on. We're moving on, Tells kitchen everybody hit us up. Yeah, I think that would be great. I would just. I would love to do that because I hate the cleanup. So I would be. That would be great. But I would need some sort of mirror system going on sometimes. I'll take. I'll film myself like this to make sure I got everywhere. Like those barber videos. I'll light my hair on fire like those Turkish dudes.

[Sage Foley]

Those guys go ham.

[Kevin James]

Yeah. I got nothing else going on. That's how bored they are. They're living each other's hair off.

[Sage Foley]

I want to go over there for that.

[Kevin James]

Start drinking.

[Sage Foley]

That place probably stinks. I hate burning here.

[Kevin James]

There's. I watch a. A thing in. I think she. She's from Bethlehem. Like, dude, my. I get really weird people and things, but it's this. She's a girl barber and she cuts like, you know, like 12 year olds hair.

[Sage Foley]

I guess when she asked for their pronouns. If she can touch you.

[Kevin James]

No.

[Sage Foley]

Okay. You know I'm talking about. Yeah.

[Kevin James]

Is that like hot or like weird?

[Sage Foley]

No, it's just being like super safe space. Yeah.

[Luke]

Haircutting.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin James]

Dude, I got my haircut. Fucking. Did you hear this? I got my hair cut and fucking. Where are Denver? I sit down and I'm like looking at the. The, you know, not a. Not great looking the street kind of lady walks by and the guy goes, how many beers would it take? I'm like, what the fuck?

[Luke]

They say that about you?

[Sage Foley]

At least the case.

[Kevin James]

Yeah. So that's funny. Different things. Different things. All right, let's see here. Not screwing around. This one's from screaming cold heater 10 partially used gift card. Never had one read. Is it garbage to collect intangible things? My sister's trying to see a game at every major league ballpark. My stepdad is a chef who wants to eat at the oldest restaurant in every US State before he dies. I think that's great.

[Sage Foley]

Said it one more time. Let me hear that again.

[Kevin James]

I just deleted it. Fuck.

[Sage Foley]

Idiot.

[Kevin James]

$10 partially used gift card. Is it garbage to collect intangible things? My sister is trying to see a game at Every major league ballpark.

[Sage Foley]

That's great.

[Kevin James]

My stepdad is a chef and wants to eat at the oldest restaurant in every US state before he dies.

[Sage Foley]

Wow.

[Kevin James]

That's like experience stuff. That's like a million times better.

[Sage Foley]

Trashy though. But I respect it.

[Kevin James]

I don't know. I mean just collecting.

[Sage Foley]

Anything's trashy.

[Kevin James]

But I would say you're not collecting, you're doing stuff.

[Sage Foley]

Eat at the old. Collecting is eat at the oldest restaurant in every city.

[Kevin James]

State.

[Sage Foley]

State. That'd be Ralph's. Right. In Philly.

[Kevin James]

That's the family owned. I don't know if that's the old. I think their caveat was family owned.

[Sage Foley]

Gotcha.

[Kevin James]

I went to school with them. You did the Robinos. But yeah, I think that's great. I mean that's like experience. That's like going on vacation. That's like saying I want to go to 20 countries. You're like going somewhere doing something with a purpose. There's history, you know. Same thing with the ballpark. I mean, I don't think the major league ballparks are the most culturally defined things.

[Sage Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin James]

You're still like. It's still the motor that makes you go to a city, do stuff. Experience. Just spend time with friends, family, whatever. So it's like. It's better than collecting fucking Beanie babies or Starbucks mugs. Like this weirdo.

[Sage Foley]

Don't get me started with the Starbucks mugs.

[Kevin James]

What? I don't collect them. Is there a collection of. Sure.

[Sage Foley]

Are they all in just a regular cabinet?

[Kevin James]

Yeah. Behind glass.

[Sage Foley]

You must have a lot. And a lock and key. You must have a lot of mugs.

[Kevin James]

Yeah. It's probably like 8 to 10 at this point.

[Luke]

What? I got like 25.

[Kevin James]

25 total mugs.

[Luke]

Yeah.

[Kevin James]

What do you live in a diner?

[Luke]

I don't know. We got hella mugs.

[Kevin James]

Who collects them?

[Luke]

My girl. Like my girl drinks tea a lot. So as the English do.

[Sage Foley]

Hello. And I was so distinguish cup of tea for the big fella.

[Luke]

Good coffee mugs.

[Kevin James]

Yeah.

[Luke]

Always buy a good mug whenever I see it.

[Kevin James]

See, there you go. He gets it.

[Sage Foley]

I don't have any mugs.

[Kevin James]

Uh huh. You don't have a house to put them in. What are you talking about? It'd be weird. It'd be weird to bring if you had to move your coffee mugs from hotel room to hotel room.

[Sage Foley]

They're clanking around like Jacob Marley.

[Kevin James]

Can you put these in the safe, please? I'd like to keep my coffee mug collection in the vault of the Hilton Garden Inn, please.

[Sage Foley]

I Love it.

[Kevin James]

You gotta breathe, you gotta. Briefcase. Handcuffs to your hand, please. I don't like the feel of metal

[Sage Foley]

out of my skin.

[Kevin James]

Ocean's eleven, one of them, but I don't think it was the 11th.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah, yes, it was. It was the original one.

[Kevin James]

Okay.

[Sage Foley]

It's Carl Reiner. Yeah.

[Kevin James]

Rest in peace.

[Sage Foley]

Sure. Also Rob Reiner. Rest in peace. Rip. And his wife too, obviously.

[Kevin James]

Rest in peace. All right, this one's made off with Bernie's great name.

[Sage Foley]

Nice.

[Kevin James]

10$, homie. Never have one Red. What age does it switch from? He or she is a good kid who made a mistake to he or she's hemmed up. How old are you? I would say, I would say age plays a role into it.

[Luke]

Sure.

[Kevin James]

And the amount of times law enforcement has to be involved.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah.

[Luke]

So I think, like, what, where they are at in school? Like, like if you're still in college or if you like, you just entered the workforce after like high school.

[Kevin James]

Good point, good point. Because if you're in college, it's like, he's a good kid. He's figuring out he's getting his head on. But if it's like, you know, if you get a DUI at 23 and you're like, you're in the electricians union or something, like, it's a little more, it's a little more teeth, you're not in the, you're not in the make believe land anymore. You're like, there's real world consequences to it. Rather than being like, ah, well, by the time I'm out of college, that DUI is going to be gone. It's like, I got to find a ride to work.

[Sage Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin James]

You know what I mean? It's a little bit different. That's why that's a good one, though. That's really good. I would say. Yeah. Age for sure, because we're a big family. I think Philly does it as well as like New York does it too. But like, hey, he's a good kid. Like I said it the other day about my friend and they were like, they thought I was talking about my friend's kid. They were like, what? I'm like, oh, no, I meant, you know, I meant a 40 year old man. Yeah, I meant. But so we said he's a good kid, but, you know, whatever, He's a good kid. But at some point, I would say the, the length of, the length of the trials and tribulations as well. You know what I mean? Like, I had friends who were. He's a good kid. He's just, you know, he part, it goes. He parties too much.

[Sage Foley]

I'm past all that. Even though I'm on the straight and narrow now, I'm past all that.

[Kevin James]

Past all that seed. Yeah, you're having. You're jammed up.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin James]

Yeah, you got me one. You're 50. You can't be 50 and a good kid making a bad choice, you know, sure. You're not running with the wrong crowd anymore. You know, you are the wrong crowd

[Sage Foley]

hanging out with the D birds.

[Kevin James]

But, yeah, then I have friends who have, like, been, like, career, lifelong addicts. And it's like. Yeah, you're just.

[Luke]

You get like, a year to, like, straighten out that tough time between, like, 20, 25. I would say, like.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah, 25, 50.

[Kevin James]

25, 50. 50, 50, 55. 60 over 30. There's more consequences to it. You know what I mean?

[Sage Foley]

There's like, yeah, everyone's bitching at you. Whatever. Pull up my mom's purse.

[Kevin James]

Yeah. I guess the proximity to your parents is still a pretty good. If you're like. If you got to go back to their house. Not present company excluded, obviously, but visiting. You're there to steal her mug collection. But that's a big thing. You know what I mean? Of like, you know, I. Yeah. I think the second you don't have a home base. And this is not. I swear to. This is. I. I didn't put two and two together when we started talking about this. I swear to God, you know, a

[Sage Foley]

place to hang your hat.

[Kevin James]

You need. You need roots, you know what I mean?

[Sage Foley]

I got an apartment,

[Luke]

a warm meal to come home,

[Sage Foley]

loving family.

[Kevin James]

Just keep rubbing it in. And we're back. Yeah. That's a great question, though, that. Yeah, I would say age and duration of shenanigans, I think is a good way to put it. Some people are career shenanigan guys, lifelong shenanigans. Henry and his Shenanigans.

[Sage Foley]

Shenanigans, Not a bad name for a band.

[Kevin James]

Come in with that tattoo, don't you? Henry and the Shenanigans. Yeah. A great question, though. I would say my. I come from a world that a group of people where that rope is significantly longer than I would say, the rest of society.

[Sage Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin James]

Like, hey, he's a good kid. He's just got, you know.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah. 18, 19, 20, 21, you turn it

[Kevin James]

around mid-20s, it starts hitting like, you got to. You gotta get it together. This guy's got to get it together. You got problems at that point. You have pro. You have some problems that need to be addressed.

[Sage Foley]

He's going through a lot. You know that's called Patty sending that to somebody. He's going through a lot.

[Kevin James]

He's talking about who, the dog?

[Sage Foley]

No, talking about me. No, somebody owed me an apology. She's fucking. He's going through a lot. Bunch of bullshit.

[Kevin James]

Wait, someone owes you an apology?

[Sage Foley]

Maybe. Probably not, no. But I caught her not backing me up on something.

[Luke]

What, are you reading her text?

[Kevin James]

Yeah. What the fuck? You. You're holding it to her face while she's sleeping. You know what's crazy? I'm pretty sure my son's face can open my phone. Whoa, isn't that nuts? That's crazy, cuz I've handed it to him locked and sometimes it's open.

[Luke]

Me and my brother can do that.

[Kevin James]

Yeah.

[Sage Foley]

Wow.

[Kevin James]

It's pretty sweet.

[Sage Foley]

Dork. Oh, no way you do that.

[Kevin James]

Oh, you guys are bad kids, huh?

[Sage Foley]

Our dick's also get hard at the same time. Isn't that weird? Usually got your mouse on one of them.

[Kevin James]

It's called a 69 guy. I mean, my brother do that like a nerd alert.

[Sage Foley]

Jesus Christ. You ever kiss a girl? What the hell?

[Kevin James]

Just my brother. This one. You guys do this thing kissing your hand.

[Sage Foley]

You keep talking it back.

[Kevin James]

Did you ever as a kid, anybody that could do like that, where it looked like they were making a high. Dude, I never understood it.

[Sage Foley]

I didn't go to school with Jim Carrey. My brother could do it real good.

[Kevin James]

It's the only way I could come. I remember someone's going, yeah, look. It was like an uncle or somebody. I forget. And I remember being like, dude, I don't know what this bit is, but it stinkeroos. Okay? I can't guide you. Check that for a minute. Where were you? Dreaming of a mouthful of teeth.

[Sage Foley]

A loving family.

[Kevin James]

I just caught that one. He went back. Yeah, like a walrus. Set of chompers on. You better not bite anybody. Hey, you'd be identified in a fucking weekend.

[Sage Foley]

I got hippo teeth. They're all.

[Kevin James]

They're all fucking flat.

[Sage Foley]

I saw a hippo rip a alligator's head off.

[Kevin James]

You rolling a cool crowd. He doesn't have hands.

[Sage Foley]

No. Bit it and ripped it. Like literally. The alligator bit inside of its mouth. The hippo chomped out and just ripped his bottom jaw off. Alligator was okay though. Check it off.

[Kevin James]

Very funny stuff. This one's good. This is a great name. Pavlov's hog. Talk about your mouth watering long time.

[Sage Foley]

What you got to be cute.

[Kevin James]

I was reading. What'd you say? Long Time, homie.

[Sage Foley]

I hear you giggling out there. Shut up.

[Kevin James]

That's back to work.

[Sage Foley]

I need it guys.

[Kevin James]

Find me a co signer yet? Got them all hammering away.

[Sage Foley]

It's just a bunch of cell phones.

[Kevin James]

We can't fake this for you.

[Sage Foley]

That's what I'm asking you, dickhead.

[Kevin James]

What the fuck you think I'm trying to show on bank statements? Yeah. Oh, I'm not. I mean, the company's not showing you. The company can't show fake banks. It's fraud. You could do that if you want. Sure, yeah. I'm not getting involved.

[Sage Foley]

Fucking print them up.

[Kevin James]

What do you. I'm not doing it. You can do it.

[Sage Foley]

I don't know how to do that.

[Kevin James]

I don't. I'm not getting. Dude, you up everything. You think I'm committing fraud with you? At this point, you're bleep that. You're nuts if you think I'm gonna commit fraud.

[Sage Foley]

I don't want you committing fraud.

[Kevin James]

You just did.

[Sage Foley]

It's not fraud. Just don't talk about it on the telephone.

[Kevin James]

Go home, make some calls. You would rat me out immediately.

[Sage Foley]

No, I wouldn't.

[Kevin James]

Yes, you would.

[Sage Foley]

No, I wouldn't. I'd be able to throw it in your face 10 years later, after I

[Kevin James]

get out of prison.

[Sage Foley]

No, I get out.

[Kevin James]

What?

[Sage Foley]

Because I don't rat you out, then I come.

[Kevin James]

It's all your idea. So I'm helping you.

[Sage Foley]

I'm still coming for vengeance.

[Kevin James]

Cape fears, now

[Sage Foley]

camping.

[Kevin James]

Cape Cod style chips.

[Sage Foley]

You're a big movie star playing baseball. I don't need it. I'll fucking straighten. I figure it out. You worry.

[Kevin James]

I'm not worried.

[Sage Foley]

You just start picking out a housewarming present for me. About 45 grand. I'm kidding.

[Kevin James]

We're fine. It's super specific. I only need 44. $362. I'm joking. Obviously.

[Sage Foley]

They're gonna kill me. Actually, I should do a fake kidnapping.

[Kevin James]

Yeah, do it. I would love to see you try. Leave notes.

[Sage Foley]

I'm just right back.

[Kevin James]

You're probably at my house. Oh, fuck. See if you can fake your own death. That's pretty good.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah, but how am I gonna get the apartment?

[Kevin James]

Then what?

[Sage Foley]

I could put somebody else. I could fucking live as Randy Johnson or something.

[Kevin James]

Yeah, right. Like you can throw like Randy Johnson.

[Sage Foley]

I ain't got the heat. I can maybe do a slider.

[Kevin James]

That's a good to fake your own

[Sage Foley]

death to be Randy Johnson.

[Kevin James]

Why do you want to be Randy? You got a thing for this guy. The unit, the big unit.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah, he throws heat like. I mean. Aaron. Nola. No, thanks. Something with some.

[Kevin James]

You have to be a pitcher.

[Sage Foley]

I think so.

[Kevin James]

Hey, why don't we try a guy who's not broke?

[Sage Foley]

Not faking my own. I'm not doing anything illegal. I'm done now. Killing

[Kevin James]

on stage. Why don't you do a. A Labowski thing?

[Sage Foley]

Cut my toe off.

[Kevin James]

Yeah, hi.

[Sage Foley]

No, I'm not doing any of that. I'm going to get it the right way. Get off here. I'm going to beg you for money. The gentleman's move. I want to find something. Hold it over your head. Threaten to kill myself. Like a.

[Kevin James]

Okay, we gotta wrap.

[Sage Foley]

We're such good friends.

[Kevin James]

Yeah, you're right. We are gang.

[Sage Foley]

I'm gonna tell you right now, don't listen to what you hear out there.

[Kevin James]

Don't listen to what I tell you because I'm lying about some stuff.

[Sage Foley]

Okay?

[Luke]

We love you.

[Sage Foley]

That. We'll see you three days. Peace.