Jessica Kirson Returns!

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Jessica Kirson Returns!"

Podcast Information:

• Title: Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
• Hosts: Kevin Ryan & H. Foley
• Episode: Jessica Kirson Returns!
• Release Date: May 5, 2025

---

Introduction

In the episode titled "Jessica Kirson Returns!", hosts Kevin Ryan and H. Foley welcome back the acclaimed stand-up comedian Jessica Kirson to the "Are You Garbage?" podcast. This episode marks her return after her successful special on Hulu, "I'm the Man". The hosts express their excitement to delve deeper into Jessica’s experiences, both personal and professional, uncovering whether she truly embodies the "Garbage" persona the podcast is famed for assessing.

---

Guest Background and Special Intro

Jessica Kirson reappears on the show, reestablishing her rapport with the hosts after her initial appearance early in the podcast's history. Kevin Ryan introduces her with enthusiasm:

Kevin Ryan [01:53]: "She is one of the funniest. Yes, one of the best. One of the most hardworking standup comedians out there today."

Jessica reciprocates the warm welcome:

Jessica Kirson [03:08]: "I feel like that. Yeah. I don't feel like that with everybody, but I really feel like that with you guys."

---

Early Encounters with Celebrities

Jessica shares her interactions with several Hollywood giants, highlighting her unique experiences:

Jessica Kirson [06:36]: "I mean, I've met Bobby D. Right. De Niro. ... I worked with him and became friends with him. Crazy that was."

She recounts dining with Robert De Niro and other notable figures:

Jessica Kirson [08:16]: "We went to his restaurant right in the beginning and had cappuccinos and he had a drink. ... I had really nice feet."

Jessica also touches on meeting Madonna, revealing a rare glimpse into her early fame days:

Jessica Kirson [07:29]: "I met Madonna. I was freaked."

---

Personal Habits and Preferences

The conversation shifts to Jessica’s quirky personal habits, particularly her lackluster foot care leading to athlete's foot:

Jessica Kirson [04:13]: "I don't take care of myself. I really don't."

She humorously admits to neglecting her hygiene routines:

Jessica Kirson [04:27]: "I have a hard time lifting the shirt, it's so tight."

When discussing dining out, Jessica reveals her steady eating habits regardless of who picks up the bill:

Jessica Kirson [09:54]: "I scale it up. ... I was brought up really, like, down to earth."

---

Travel Experiences and Anecdotes

Jessica shares vivid memories from her childhood and her tumultuous travel experiences as a comedian:

• Chased by a Dog: She narrates a terrifying encounter with a dog that almost bit her, providing a humorous yet heartfelt story about survival.

  Jessica Kirson [16:23]: "I was chased by a dog in my neighborhood. It was one of the most traumatic things that ever happened to me."

• Jellyfish Sting: Recalling a painful jellyfish sting in Florida, Jessica illustrates her apprehension towards the ocean's vastness.

  Jessica Kirson [32:36]: "I was bitten by a jellyfish once, and I also... it frightened me."

• Concert Memories: Her first concert experience with Genesis at Madison Square Garden paints a picture of her rebellious youth.

  Jessica Kirson [11:06]: "So when I was a kid or... I've met a lot of people in my life, obviously."

---

Dining and Food Preferences

Jessica discusses her unabashed love for fast food and unconventional dining habits, often eating directly from plates or bags:

Jessica Kirson [22:48]: "I'll put my food on the bed in the hotel and just eat from the plate."

Her preference for fast foods like Domino’s and her unique condiment fusions showcase her offbeat personality:

Jessica Kirson [25:06]: "I mix ketchup and mayo together... My kids call it pink sauce."

---

Hotel and Travel Routines

Jessica outlines her no-nonsense approach to traveling, emphasizing privacy and practicality over luxury:

Jessica Kirson [22:48]: "I have a challenges from doing stand up for 26 years. Yeah."

She candidly talks about her disdain for first-class travel and her reliance on standard hotel amenities:

Jessica Kirson [24:12]: "I do not pay for a first class ticket, but I get bumped up a lot on Delta."

Her meticulous tipping habits and minimalistic luggage preferences are touched upon, portraying her as both considerate and resourceful:

Jessica Kirson [53:35]: "I always tip... I will leave 10 if I'm staying like... if I'm in a suite. 20."

---

Personal Challenges and Quirks

Jessica delves into her struggles with mental health and gambling addiction, offering a raw and honest perspective:

Jessica Kirson [48:58]: "I buy the coins and then write that down. I'm addicted to it."

Her candidness about personal flaws and vulnerabilities adds depth to the conversation, aligning with the podcast's theme of testing the "Garbage" status of its guests.

---

Humorous Interactions and Final Verdict

Throughout the episode, the hosts and Jessica engage in playful banter, poking fun at each other's quirks and habits. The conversation wraps up with the hosts officially declaring Jessica Kirson as "100% garbage," celebrating her humor and relatability.

Kevin Ryan [61:24]: "Jessica Kirsten, 100% garbage."

Jessica embraces the label with grace and humor, reinforcing her status as beloved and unabashedly "garbage."

---

Conclusion

"Jessica Kirson Returns!" is a rich, engaging episode that provides listeners with an in-depth look at Jessica's life, her comedic journey, and her unfiltered personality. From celebrity encounters to personal anecdotes and quirky habits, the episode successfully captures the essence of Jessica Kirson, confirming her rightful place on the "Are You Garbage?" podcast roster.

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Kevin Ryan [01:53]: "She is one of the funniest. Yes, one of the best. One of the most hardworking standup comedians out there today."

• Jessica Kirson [04:13]: "I don't take care of myself. I really don't."

• Jessica Kirson [16:23]: "I was chased by a dog in my neighborhood. It was one of the most traumatic things that ever happened to me."

• Jessica Kirson [25:06]: "I mix ketchup and mayo together... My kids call it pink sauce."

• Jessica Kirson [48:58]: "I buy the coins and then write that down. I'm addicted to it."

• Kevin Ryan [61:24]: "Jessica Kirsten, 100% garbage."

---

This episode stands out as a testament to Jessica Kirson's comedic prowess and her ability to connect with the hosts and audience on a personal level, all while maintaining the playful competitive spirit of the "Are You Garbage?" podcast.

Transcript

[Kevin Ryan]

Gang, we got a big announcement. The Back on the Block tour is going on sale. Do yourself a favor, get some tickets. We're coming to a city near you. We're doing big shows, some of our favorite spots.

[H. Foley]

We can't wait to see you out there. Yeah. Starting in September, we're in San Francisco, Portland, Seattle, then Burlington, Vermont, Boston, Massachusetts, Atlanta, Georgia, Charlotte, North Carolina, Raleigh, North Carolina, Richmond, Virginia, Baltimore, Maryland, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, at the Met. The biggest show we've ever done.

[Kevin Ryan]

Let's go.

[H. Foley]

Then we're doing Rochester, New York, and Toronto, Canada. All tickets are on sale. Get them at rugarbage.com.

[Jessica Kirson]

Another exciting edition of Are you Garbage?

[Kevin Ryan]

The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is RU Garbage.

[H. Foley]

Oh, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's our little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that if they're to be classy, they're just a big old piece of trash. Garbage, I'm your host, Ghost Day Trolley coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in the new edition. She's got a little pink guy.

[H. Foley]

Oh, no.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, the party tricks kind of snuck back up on her. She won't be doing that again. Okay, Mike Coase is coming at you from right next to me, slightly amused this week. He is the CEO of Are you Garbage? He is international businessman. Bit of a tough crowd. Give it up for kj. Kevin James Ryan, everybody.

[H. Foley]

What up, gang? Shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in as always, please make sure you rate view, subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Also full video available over there on Spotify. Gang. Check that out. Part of that creator program and also the best website in the world. Www.patreon.com re garbage, go over to get all that bonus content.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes, sir. And, gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest back with us again today. It has been a while. The last time she was here was in the infancy of this program.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

She came through the ringer as classy.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Now we're gonna try to find some dirt under those fingernails. She is one of the funniest. Yes, one of the best. One of the most hardworking standup comedians out there today. And she has a brand new special out on Hulu right now called I'm the Man. Give it up for the one, the only, Jessica Kirson.

[H. Foley]

Everybody wow.

[Jessica Kirson]

Thank you so much.

[Kevin Ryan]

There she is.

[Jessica Kirson]

Thank you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Look at you. The killer.

[Jessica Kirson]

Wow. I feel.

[Kevin Ryan]

What the hell was that?

[Jessica Kirson]

I feel unsafe. Yeah, that was. That was such a weird pause. We all thought we were all going, yay.

[Kevin Ryan]

We'll put in some laughter.

[Jessica Kirson]

Oh, yeah. Can you juice that up?

[H. Foley]

We're gonna take both of us here too. It's gonna just be you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Thank you for coming back on the show.

[H. Foley]

Yes.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's been a while.

[Jessica Kirson]

Glad to be here. I was like, I've been dying to do it again.

[H. Foley]

One of. One of a heavy requested guest. So we're happy to have you back.

[Jessica Kirson]

Oh, that's so nice.

[H. Foley]

You're also. I haven't. We. We haven't crossed paths in a minute. You know what I mean? Everybody running around. I think was the last time at moon Tower. And you're one of those people that when you bump into. We saw you at the airport.

[Kevin Ryan]

We took an Uber together and we.

[H. Foley]

Took an Uber and I was just like. We're just in there. Like right away you just start trashing people and I'm like, oh my God.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, it's familiar.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, you're just comfortable.

[Jessica Kirson]

I feel like that. Yeah. Yeah. I don't feel like that with everybody, but I really feel like that with you guys. Like, we were in rehab together.

[H. Foley]

Exactly. They're old war buddies.

[Kevin Ryan]

What are you gonna do when you get back to the world? All right. I need. We got some. Some vengeance here. We. We got to get the dirt under the fingernails here. I don't know how you came. Came out classy.

[Jessica Kirson]

I don't either.

[H. Foley]

I don't. I mean, Jersey, the hell are we asking you? I don't know. Having the show, you were like the eighth episode. We were still getting our feet under us now.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, it was horrible.

[H. Foley]

You know what I mean?

[Kevin Ryan]

The hardest question was, what's your favorite color? Now we're gonna get you.

[H. Foley]

Uh huh. Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm gonna kick it off right now. Please.

[H. Foley]

What do you got in the hopper there, big man?

[Kevin Ryan]

Any athlete's foot currently.

[Jessica Kirson]

That's so weird you just said that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh my God. Do you.

[Jessica Kirson]

That's a great question. I think I'm just getting real political.

[H. Foley]

Thank you for that question.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, yeah, thank you. I don't think it's athlete's foot. Cause I can barely get out of bed. But my toes are very dry and itchy. There's something, I think because they've been in so, so many vaginas.

[H. Foley]

A couple of toe jobs.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, yeah, no, no. I seriously noticed that yesterday. I'M like, oh, my God. I have very dry, flaky toes.

[H. Foley]

Are you. Are you moisturizing them daily?

[Jessica Kirson]

No, I don't take care of myself. I really don't.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do you wash your feet? Because that's something that's come up. You do?

[Jessica Kirson]

Yes.

[Kevin Ryan]

In the shower, you go past the knees.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yes. Huh. Like once a year. Yeah, yeah. No, I. I'm really, like, lazy when it comes to, like, creaming my. I. I really.

[H. Foley]

Routine. You don't have a facial routine, and I have to.

[Jessica Kirson]

I really need to start doing that. Yeah. But it's. I'm being honest.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's such a pain.

[Jessica Kirson]

But I did, like, literally, for the first time in years, look down and I was like, something's going on.

[H. Foley]

Something's a.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yes. Something's happening.

[Kevin Ryan]

Daffodils are growing on your toenails.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Any bad toenails?

[Jessica Kirson]

I have really nice feet. Like, I should. I should.

[H. Foley]

I mean, with that information you've shared. I know I would say that would tell otherwise of them being.

[Kevin Ryan]

Except for the dandruff and the flakes on them.

[H. Foley]

They're really dry. Yeah.

[Jessica Kirson]

Except for the corn and the syphilis. No, they. I. I have nice feet.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

I'm serious. Like, I could.

[H. Foley]

You're proud of.

[Jessica Kirson]

Put my feet online and make a lot of money.

[Kevin Ryan]

There you go.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah. Yeah. Now, Jim. Jim Norton's gonna hit outside in a minute.

[Kevin Ryan]

Is Norton a feet guy?

[H. Foley]

I think Norton's an everything guy.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

I think I'm with him. I don't think there's much.

[Jessica Kirson]

I don't have a dick, but I do have nice feet.

[H. Foley]

Shout out to Jim Norton all time fave. Okay. This is a. This is one that's come up that's been popular in the show of recent. Who was the most famous person you met growing up? Wow. It could have been like, you know, a radio guy or local news. Local news.

[Jessica Kirson]

So when I was a kid or.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. At any point, like.

[Jessica Kirson]

Well, I've met a lot of people in my life, obviously.

[H. Foley]

But before. Before comedy.

[Jessica Kirson]

Right. Ernie Ernesto. Who's Ernie?

[H. Foley]

Who the hell's Ernie Ernesto?

[Kevin Ryan]

He's a very popular newsman.

[Jessica Kirson]

He's like a new cbs. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Oh, I just saw him.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's in every diner in New York City.

[Jessica Kirson]

I met him and I think at a restaurant in Jersey.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I. I'm trying to think of who I met as a kid.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's a perfect.

[H. Foley]

That's a great one. That's. Any local newscaster is fantastic.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, definitely. But then it changed, of course, over time.

[H. Foley]

Who it. Now, even in comedy, who's the most famous person you've met?

[Jessica Kirson]

I mean, I've met Bobby D. Right.

[H. Foley]

De Niro.

[Jessica Kirson]

Right. De Niro is the. I think is the biggest star. And I worked with him and became friends with him. Yeah. Crazy that was.

[H. Foley]

Going through the scene, like. Oh, yeah. Hanging out with Robert De Niro's ear.

[Jessica Kirson]

During the whole movie. Yeah. The comedian. But that was. And that was just from him seeing me do stand up. It was a great story. Yeah. But because of my stepbrother who was a child actor, you know, I met a lot of people, like, years and years ago, and that was fucking weird. Yeah. Like big stars, you know, like Danny DeVito and Reese Witherspoon and this one and that one. But I think besides De Niro and there were so many people in that movie, like Harvey Keitel and Joe, like, all these people. But the big. I met Madonna.

[Kevin Ryan]

Really?

[Jessica Kirson]

Seller, seller.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. She was doing comedy.

[Jessica Kirson]

I was freaked. I don't get freaked out. I think that's why De Niro liked me. I'm not like, oh, my God. It's like, I just saw an older Italian man. You want to work with me? You know? But when I saw Madonna at the Cellar, for some reason, I was really.

[H. Foley]

That's one. Yeah.

[Jessica Kirson]

That makes really Starship.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Kids today don't know those stars back then. Michael.

[H. Foley]

Her.

[Kevin Ryan]

It would. They were like sons. They were stars.

[Jessica Kirson]

She was huge.

[H. Foley]

All right, pop off. Zip it. You ever hear Taylor's. Taylor Swift is like the. Bigger than a Swift. The economy of Brazil.

[Kevin Ryan]

Not these bozos on Tic Tac or whatever. Whatever you kids are doing, playing Minecraft. Bobby D ever take you out to dinner? You guys?

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, a lot.

[H. Foley]

Did he ever take you to his restaurant and Tribeca? I just went there.

[Jessica Kirson]

We went to his restaurant right in the beginning and had cappuccinos and he had a drink. Yeah, he. It's funny. I went to dinner a lot with him. Not. I'm not bragging. It just went.

[H. Foley]

This is not at all.

[Jessica Kirson]

I mean, I'm filled with self. Adrian. When I would go to dinner with him and Harvey Keitel and get the. And Danny DeVito and the producer to Il Molina. A lot.

[H. Foley]

Really picks up the check in that situation.

[Kevin Ryan]

They're not splitting it.

[H. Foley]

Can you imagine? I'm like, I didn't know you're trying to pay with a gift card.

[Jessica Kirson]

I mean, it was De Niro, because it's.

[H. Foley]

You know, it probably Jay, he's got like a day you're right.

[Jessica Kirson]

You know what? The producers picked up the check a lot too. Yeah, that's what they do, these Hollywood products.

[Kevin Ryan]

You know, what's Bobby D like? A chicken parm.

[Jessica Kirson]

I mean, they would order. It was insane.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[Jessica Kirson]

They would order like, you know, the, the fish, you know, the rough fish and the, they bring. You got the Nero, you don't even order.

[Kevin Ryan]

Think of the meals. Those gu. The Vito Schwarzenegger cigars, espresso, zambucas, tons.

[Jessica Kirson]

Of espressos and sambrook. Exactly what it was. A lot of meats. You know, they come over with the cheese and keep grading it and it just, it's amazing.

[H. Foley]

Now let's say you are out to dinner. Not with somebody of that ilk, but you know, you know, and you know that person's picking up the check. Not a De Niro or a producer. Now, will you gauge what you're ordering if someone else is paying?

[Jessica Kirson]

Yes.

[H. Foley]

You, you will. You'll scale it down. You're not going to go for the surfing?

[Jessica Kirson]

I scale it up. I was brought up really, like, down to earth. Believe it or not. It was.

[H. Foley]

I don't know why I wouldn't believe that.

[Jessica Kirson]

Well, believe it or not, because I, because I was brought up in the Jersey suburbs where people had money, a.

[H. Foley]

Little bit of cash.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah. But my parents really, like, I had a job at 14, I worked at Lord and Taylor and I worked in the coffee place and they gave me like eventually a really shitty car that my sister had, which had like one wheel. I mean, it was, I was, thank God, brought up.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Jessica Kirson]

That way because, because it's made me work as hard as I do of. And appreciate things.

[Kevin Ryan]

If you go out to dinner with somebody that's paying, they get the chicken. You don't get the two pound lobster.

[Jessica Kirson]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

Right.

[Jessica Kirson]

No, I would not even. I don't even get an appetizer, which is, you know, sure, I, I, I would like. It's like other people will just order an appetizer and I'm like, I, I feel uncomfortable.

[H. Foley]

Now if shoes on the other foot.

[Jessica Kirson]

You'Re paying, I want them to get everything.

[H. Foley]

You're okay. You would say, hey, it's free.

[Jessica Kirson]

Go for it.

[H. Foley]

Nuts.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah. And then when they do, I get resentful.

[H. Foley]

You cheap. That's the kind of crazy we're looking for over here on our you garbage.

[Kevin Ryan]

On the Ernie and Estes tip. What was the first concert you went to?

[Jessica Kirson]

Genesis.

[H. Foley]

Whoa.

[Jessica Kirson]

It was a big Genesis. Yeah. I love, I love them. It was at Madison Square Garden.

[Kevin Ryan]

Damn.

[Jessica Kirson]

I Went with my stepmother. I had beer and I smoked pot.

[Kevin Ryan]

How old were you?

[Jessica Kirson]

And I smoked pot there. She was fine with it. I was fine. 14.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wow.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah. But I was doing drugs at, like. I started smoking pot at 13. And then just.

[Kevin Ryan]

The Invisible Touch tour. What are we talking about?

[Jessica Kirson]

I don't know, but I. I love it. Might have been abacab.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wow.

[H. Foley]

Wild.

[Jessica Kirson]

But I was. I was a burnout. I was amazed into. I used to have a jean jacket that had Rush on the back. The decal for Rush. I was like, did you buy that?

[H. Foley]

Did you put that on there?

[Jessica Kirson]

I had put it on there, yeah. I was like. And Grateful Death. Like, I was really into all that shit. Yeah, I know. Isn't that interesting?

[Kevin Ryan]

That's crazy.

[Jessica Kirson]

It's not even like it was Led Zeppelin or AC dc. It was Rush.

[H. Foley]

That's a. I mean, that's a relatively deep cut. It's not like the top three. You know.

[Jessica Kirson]

It is, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Grand Funk Railroad T shirt. What did you do with Lord and Taylor?

[Jessica Kirson]

I folded clothes and I wanted to kill myself.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

It was horrible.

[Jessica Kirson]

Oh, you did.

[H. Foley]

It's brutal.

[Jessica Kirson]

All those old women. Like, do you have a size 8? Because, you know, like, I'm like, just. Can you die? Like, literally just die while I'm fold. Holding a sweater?

[Kevin Ryan]

You could strike me. I. I could see you being really good at the. At the perfume counter.

[Jessica Kirson]

Really?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Jessica Kirson]

That's not. I. Yeah, I'm a good salesperson.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

You know, very personable.

[Jessica Kirson]

Of course, my parents were in sale. Like, I just grew up. I think that helps us in this business. I mean, you have to be a good salesperson in this business. But, yeah, I, I think now I would have a very hard time working.

[H. Foley]

With the public because I've picked up like that.

[Jessica Kirson]

I really have changed.

[Kevin Ryan]

Are you Harvey Keitel? No. Then get out of my face.

[H. Foley]

Do you have. No.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah. No, I'm more like, people are rude.

[Kevin Ryan]

Of course people are rude.

[Jessica Kirson]

So I would not want to be talking. Be losing the store. Yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, I'm with you. 100.

[H. Foley]

That makes sense.

[Kevin Ryan]

Speaking of perfume, do you wear.

[Jessica Kirson]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

No fragrance?

[Jessica Kirson]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

I used to wear shitty perfume. Like, when I was growing up, I was Charlie Shitty.

[Kevin Ryan]

Did you wear Charlie?

[Jessica Kirson]

I think I did wear Charlie for. I don't know. Charlie's nice.

[H. Foley]

Charlie.

[Jessica Kirson]

I wouldn't spend, like, tons of money on perfume.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

You know, I mean, now I might, but I, I, I don't. I don't like a lot of. I don't like strong smells, Deodorant.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wise, what do you do?

[H. Foley]

Sorry about us. My apologies. At the 40 minute mark, we're gonna get a little. Right.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, yeah. It has smelled like onion since I sat down.

[Kevin Ryan]

I had some leftover Easter ham this morning. I apologize.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, Deodorant wise. I wear men's.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

Like a roll on Arms and Hammer.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, kid, the.

[H. Foley]

The aluminum free one or no.

[Jessica Kirson]

I don't even know. Okay, whatever I use.

[Kevin Ryan]

Ladies, hold on. Just for the minutes. Just for the minute. She said arms and Hammer.

[H. Foley]

That's a real dirt bat. Putting S's on.

[Kevin Ryan]

Which was a popular cop show in the 1980s. Arms and hammer.

[H. Foley]

It was a duo. It was a dog.

[Jessica Kirson]

That's the name of a lesbian porn.

[H. Foley]

It was a cop.

[Kevin Ryan]

Arms and Hammer.

[Jessica Kirson]

I can't believe I said arms and Hammer.

[Kevin Ryan]

Arms and Hammer is all right. Tonight on Arms and Hammer. Oh, that's great. Use Arm and Hammer. Deodorant antiperspirant or just deodorant antiperspirant. Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

Because of performing.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

So, like, you're wearing this today. Is that a T shirt? I presume you got on under. Yeah, I have a white tee now. Okay, I picked up on that. Now, will you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sharp kid, isn't he? One of those glasses.

[H. Foley]

Thanks for sitting down with us today.

[Kevin Ryan]

You wear blazers ever?

[Jessica Kirson]

Did you ever wear your hair wavy?

[H. Foley]

No, I didn't want to assume. It could have been a tank top. I don't know.

[Jessica Kirson]

Listen, I don't wear a tank top.

[H. Foley]

Right? I don't know that last time I saw you wearing. I got arms and hammers. Will you put the shirt on then deodorant or deodorant?

[Jessica Kirson]

Then shirt, shirt, deodorant and then shirt. Because I have a hard time lifting the shirt, it's so tight.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay, class. I think that's classy.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

He does.

[H. Foley]

I do the shirt and then that. Because it gets. I'm a bigger guy, so it crumbles up. And then I get the deodorant stripes all over the side of my shirt.

[Jessica Kirson]

Oh, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I've never had that happen to me once.

[Jessica Kirson]

Really?

[Kevin Ryan]

As a big guy. Never. I. I don't know where he comes up with this. I don't know him.

[Jessica Kirson]

You.

[H. Foley]

I don't know. My shirts are too tight. And then like, they bunch up here when you're going over.

[Jessica Kirson]

So you get yellow stains.

[H. Foley]

Well, it'll be white.

[Jessica Kirson]

I use disgusting. Wait, is it. Is the yellow on the white?

[H. Foley]

What do you mean? No, I don't wear a white T shirt. I'm too fat to wear a White T shirt. That's crazy. I'm everything I wear.

[Jessica Kirson]

I'm not skinny and I'm. Oh, because you don't. Won't cover it.

[H. Foley]

I don't. I mean, I'll do this because you could wear this.

[Jessica Kirson]

That white T shirt with that black jacket.

[H. Foley]

Oh, I could do. Yeah. But here's not good. I got a big. It's like I got a big hole between my boobs.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, me too.

[H. Foley]

I got a lot in common.

[Jessica Kirson]

Are your son even like mine?

[H. Foley]

They are.

[Kevin Ryan]

Kevin's wearing skims right now.

[H. Foley]

My right's a little droopy.

[Jessica Kirson]

Are your boobs taped down?

[H. Foley]

I wish. I wish.

[Kevin Ryan]

Have you ever been bitten by a dog?

[Jessica Kirson]

I was chased by a dog in my neighborhood. It was one of the fucking most traumatic things that ever happened to me. Yeah, it was really bad. It's a funny visual, but I left my house.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm sorry to laugh at it.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah. No, you. You think I care? I was walking to my friend Gail's house, and I heard. And I'm like, oh, my God. What is that? And I saw a dog chain to, you know, chained into a rope at someone's house. And I'm like, oh, they're chained. And then I was. And then I heard. And it started getting closer, and I was like, I. This dog's coming towards me.

[H. Foley]

That incites a level of fear that's like, kill or be killed. That's caveman level anxiety.

[Jessica Kirson]

I ran like I was in the Olympics. I'm not even. And I felt the dog was behind my leg. I'll never forget this. It was like, right behind my leg, and I was screaming in the neighborhood. I was like. And my. My friend, you didn't. There was no self. I hate saying like this because it makes me sad, but there were no cell phones. I was a child, and I was screaming, and my friend Gail's door was open, and my friends came to the door, and all they saw was me screaming like a lunatic with a dog right behind me. I. I cannot believe I wasn't bitten. I don't know what happened. Do you ever had go through that? I was like, something happened where my legs move. So, like, it's really superhuman.

[H. Foley]

God.

[Jessica Kirson]

I'm not kidding that it didn't bite my leg, but I. They opened. I flew into the house, and they slammed in. The dog didn't get in.

[H. Foley]

This show is sponsored by Better Help. Mental health awareness is growing, but there's still some progress to be made. 20, 26% of Americans who participated in a recent survey say they have avoided seeking mental help due to the fear of judgment. I know the environment I grew up in that was not it was kind of frowned upon to go to go seek mental health you've reviewed as weak. That is not the case. I found out as I've gotten older seeking a therapist or mental mental health help or talking talk therapy is fantastic. I've been better in my life since I've started talking to someone. I highly recommend it. There's a before and after moment of talking to someone. My life is significantly better. Better help is easy way to start talking to someone. It's lowered the barrier of entry. It's very, very helpful. BetterHelp has helped has 10 years of experience matching people with the right therapist from their diverse network of more than 30,000 licensed therapists with a wide range of specialties. It's fully online making affordable making it's fully online making therapy affordable and convenient. Serving over 5 million people worldwide. We're all better with help. Visit betterhelp.com ayg to get 10 your first month. That's betterhelp h e l p.com garbage do it what's up bozos? Let's talk about Open Phone. If you're running a business, which a lot of you are, you know that every time you miss a call, you're leaving money on the table. When every customer conversion matters, you need a phone system that keeps up and helps you stay connected. That's why you need OpenPhone. OpenPhone is a number one business phone system that streamlines and scales your customer communications, making it easy to navigate. It works through an app on your phone or your computer. So no more carrying around two phones or using a landline. I was carrying around two phones like a bozo. Everybody was making fun of me. I was embarrassed. I was ashamed. I had one for work, one for pleasure. And now since Open Phones a sponsor I got rid of the second phone. I'm running and gunning one phone baby. Plus they have AI powered call transcript and summaries that you'll be able to automate follow ups ensuring you'll never miss a customer interaction again. Which if you own a business, you know it's very important. See why over 50,000 businesses trust open Phone to manage their business calls and texts. OpenPhone is offering our listeners 20% off your first month. Your first six [e-mail] garbage that's OpenPhone O P E N P H O-N-E.com garbage and if you're having if you have existing numbers with Another service open phone will port them over at no extra charge because they're good people. Open phone, no missed calls, no missed customers. Do it. That was the thing back in the day. There was more loose dogs. Yeah, there were, because I walked to my buddy's house and we had to cut through some yards and a little bit of, like, trees and stuff. Like, not a forest, but, like, woodsy type area. And I mean, we would get to this point where this dog, he'd be staring at you on the porch.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

It was about a 50 yard dash. And we would get there, we'd get to the edge, we'd tie our shoes, we'd go. All right. On the count of three.

[Jessica Kirson]

Oh, really?

[H. Foley]

And you just had to not be the slowest guy.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

And I mean, that was just normal. You get over the face. Oh, that was close.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, I think it was. I think it wasn't great. It was my fault because I was carrying a raw steak.

[H. Foley]

I was selling steaks door to door.

[Jessica Kirson]

Right, right. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Speaking of steak, how do you get it cooked?

[Jessica Kirson]

Medium well.

[H. Foley]

Medium well? It's not good.

[Jessica Kirson]

I know, but I. I don't like other stuff. I'll eat more rare, like a hamburger and stuff, but with steak, I just like it.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, that's all right.

[Kevin Ryan]

What's the usual cut that you prefer? Is it a filet?

[Jessica Kirson]

Usually, yeah. Filet.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah. What do you guys like?

[H. Foley]

I'm a filet man.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, filet's great. Rib eye, New York strip.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah. Yeah, I like. I like steak, though. I don't have to go to, like, a steakhouse, you know, I'm kind of.

[H. Foley]

Right there with you.

[Jessica Kirson]

Like, I'll go to Applebee's and get a steak.

[Kevin Ryan]

Ketchup.

[H. Foley]

You can go to the.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yes.

[Kevin Ryan]

Really?

[Jessica Kirson]

Ketchup on everything? That's pretty. Yeah, I do.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

All right, well, medium well. Steak with ketchup.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Jessica Kirson]

I would eat. I eat eggs with ketchup. I eat everything with ketchup. Scrambies.

[H. Foley]

How do you like your eggs?

[Jessica Kirson]

You know what I do? I mix ketchup and mayo together. Have you ever had that?

[H. Foley]

Of course.

[Jessica Kirson]

It's fucking amazing. My kids call it pink sauce, and it's so good. And I love everything with that. I'll dip a cracker into that. I fucking love it. Any kind of eggs, really.

[H. Foley]

If you're at home and you're making them, what do you do? You're gonna scramble them scrambled or you're not doing poached?

[Jessica Kirson]

No. Can you imagine? I guess some people do that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Poached are great.

[H. Foley]

I watched my wife do a poached one. At first I didn't know what a poached egg was.

[Jessica Kirson]

No, they're great.

[H. Foley]

But she did it and I was, it's, they're good.

[Jessica Kirson]

But I'm not going to spend that much energy. I eat over the, in the pan. I'm really.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

I am disgusting.

[Kevin Ryan]

Eat over in the pan.

[Jessica Kirson]

I eat standing up. Yeah. I don't like, put it on a plate and go like, we're comics too, you know. I'll put my food on the bed in the hotel and just eat from the, the plate.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right, that's a good one.

[H. Foley]

What kind of hotels you're staying at on the road? You go for a nice one or you just go like, give me the Holiday Inn Express.

[Jessica Kirson]

No, I did those.

[H. Foley]

You're done.

[Jessica Kirson]

20 year. I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not. So what's like, that's the one thing, I get it. That and taking like an Uber. Like I'm like, I deserve now Do I stay in like a Ritz? I would, I don't think I'd ever do that even if I was making millions and millions. But I'll stay in like, like a Marriott or something a little elevated to be now it has to be.

[Kevin Ryan]

Will you use the pool at the hotel?

[Jessica Kirson]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hot tub?

[Jessica Kirson]

No.

[H. Foley]

Will you do room service?

[Jessica Kirson]

Yes, constantly.

[H. Foley]

And when you order room service, do you let the guy come in or do you stop them at the door and take it? A lot of times, like wheel in that card and they get right up in your business?

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, it depends if I have like, you know, shitty underwear on the floor, stuff like that. No, I, I, hey, me too.

[Kevin Ryan]

I, I, sorry about that.

[Jessica Kirson]

I, I don't let them in normally now just because I've, I have privacy issues from doing stand up for 26 years. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Will you walk around in the hotel in your bare feet in the hotel room?

[Jessica Kirson]

Yes.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay. All right.

[Jessica Kirson]

I've never, I, yeah, I'm not like, I don't care about that shit. That's probably why I have athlete's foot or whatever.

[H. Foley]

The chlamydia, syphilis, toes. When you're traveling, you fly up front, first class, of course.

[Kevin Ryan]

Come on.

[Jessica Kirson]

I, I don't pay for a first class ticket, but I get bumped up a lot on Delta.

[H. Foley]

You're a Delta gal?

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Will you bring food on the plane?

[Jessica Kirson]

Yes. You will always not, not like a meal.

[H. Foley]

You're not getting like a burger?

[Jessica Kirson]

No, I always have snacks. I'm first of all, I'm a mom and I'm Jewish, so I always. We. We always have food on us in case we get taken away again.

[H. Foley]

It's okay. I got goldfish.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yes.

[H. Foley]

We're gonna be all right.

[Jessica Kirson]

Some people. People. I love that you say goldfish. It's so perfect for.

[H. Foley]

I could take this and we could spread it over eight nights.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

These snacks were only supposed to last one night.

[Jessica Kirson]

I have a challah. Some people are like, what do you mean taken away? What happened? So, yeah, no, I always do have, but I've always been like that. Even before I was a mom, I always had food on me.

[Kevin Ryan]

What other preferred snacks? Very interesting.

[H. Foley]

Cheez Its combos. Goldfish. What are we talking?

[Jessica Kirson]

Just said, I love.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

Crunchy, cheesy, cheese it over a combo.

[Jessica Kirson]

Or no combo over a cheese? It combo over a cheese.

[H. Foley]

You heard it here first, gang.

[Jessica Kirson]

I love cheez Its too. I have them at home. But I love combo.

[H. Foley]

Something dirty.

[Jessica Kirson]

They're like.

[H. Foley]

They're like a dirty little.

[Jessica Kirson]

They are dirty. They have the dust.

[H. Foley]

I know.

[Jessica Kirson]

I eat fistfuls of. Of.

[H. Foley]

They hit different than a chick cheese. It's like you're studying.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Combos. Like, I'm getting down.

[Jessica Kirson]

I also have a prize inside. Like, you get the cheese, you get the pepperoni.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Do you do the pepperoni?

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, I do all of that.

[H. Foley]

Do a pepperoni combo.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Let's write that down in the.

[Jessica Kirson]

I know.

[H. Foley]

It is shocking for me. I'm a cheddar cheese man.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, you wouldn't think. But I do.

[H. Foley]

Dude, those are always dusty at the gas station. I know Combos in it all across.

[Kevin Ryan]

The country are always on the bottom.

[H. Foley]

Shell dusty for some reason. Why?

[Kevin Ryan]

Next to the shoe polish.

[H. Foley]

That's crazy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Show a little respect.

[Jessica Kirson]

But I do love chips. I. And I.

[H. Foley]

Hit me with your favorite chip.

[Jessica Kirson]

Oh, that's kettle cooked, right? Really hard one. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah. I mean. Oh, my God. That's hard. I love all of them.

[Kevin Ryan]

Salt and vinegar.

[Jessica Kirson]

I love salt and vinegar. I love sour cream and onion.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

Salt and vinegar is gross. I don't listen to British people.

[H. Foley]

That's crazy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Don't listen to him.

[Jessica Kirson]

I like the plain potato chip. Like the oily plain potato chip.

[Kevin Ryan]

Cod. Kettle cooked.

[Jessica Kirson]

I love Cape cod. Yeah. Home run. But I do like just the UTs. Plain potato chip.

[H. Foley]

Have you noticed a lot of those kettle cook, the Cape Cod, they've. They've really gone with, like, the flat, the matte paint, the matte finish of the bag to make it seem classier. Compared doing uts, which is just like the thin foil they're trying to. They're trying to elevate themselves.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, those are good. The thin foil. Those are always good.

[H. Foley]

Those are, yeah.

[Jessica Kirson]

I love a Dorito. I mean sure. Are you kidding? I love for you.

[H. Foley]

What flavor?

[Jessica Kirson]

I like the plain, but I like the, the blue, you know, whatever. The cool ranch. I mean I'm not an aristocrat. I'm not really into spicy, like, like really spicy, spicy knots. I want to slam them into my mouth.

[Kevin Ryan]

How do you feel about a Bugle?

[Jessica Kirson]

I love Bugles but I don't eat them a lot. But I put them on your face.

[H. Foley]

I used to got those part of the toes.

[Jessica Kirson]

That might be the other reason I love Bugle. Do you like Funyuns?

[H. Foley]

Not a Funyun.

[Jessica Kirson]

I love Funyuns. Me too.

[Kevin Ryan]

I like Funyuns over onion rings. I'll say it right now. I don't care who knows.

[Jessica Kirson]

I love onion rings.

[H. Foley]

Okay guys, a wild card today.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'll give it to you.

[H. Foley]

Uh huh. Okay, what's your go to drink? If you're like you're stopping, you're at a gas station, you're on the road. Are you getting like a diet coke? You did a seltzer?

[Jessica Kirson]

When you're doing a seltzer, I'm doing a Diet Coke or my favorite is Diet Sprite. Sprite. Zero. It's amazing. Yeah. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

What are you in the X Games?

[Jessica Kirson]

It's very, it's very bright.

[Kevin Ryan]

Zero.

[Jessica Kirson]

I like it that you know what? I like that no one knows what it is.

[H. Foley]

No one knows.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, more for me. You know what? It's very carbonated and I like when it hurts. It's got a bite I like, but I like, I want it to hurt my throat.

[H. Foley]

I get that.

[Jessica Kirson]

You eat the chicken, you cut the whole inside of your mouth because I my mouth with them. And then I drink the diet spray. It's great.

[H. Foley]

That's what my mom does. Who's a big fan of yours by the way. My mom does coke or her with Sprite. Zero with the. She does with the hers nuggets. And she'll just sit there watching the news. Just crush it. Talk about ruining the inside of your mouth.

[Kevin Ryan]

No enamel left.

[H. Foley]

Shout out to Denise.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wow.

[Jessica Kirson]

I love it. Shout out, man. Denise, Denise in the house.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do you do any fast food these days?

[Jessica Kirson]

I love fast food.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

I take my kids a lot.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

And I will eat what they're eating. But I don't. I mean I used to, I used to all the time then. This is embarrassing. But I would go on the Jersey Turnpike all the time and go through drive thrus. Just service areas fucking dry and. And get like 15 things. I'm not even kidding.

[H. Foley]

Really.

[Jessica Kirson]

And I loved Wendy's and I love.

[H. Foley]

Were you going somewhere? You were just going to the rest stop?

[Jessica Kirson]

I love Roy Rogers. That was my favorite.

[H. Foley]

I know that Roy Rogers.

[Jessica Kirson]

It's amazing. Roy Rogers made a mean hammer binge. Eat. And don't get upset because I would never do this now, but I would eat everything. Like. Like shove it in. And then I would throw the bag.

[H. Foley]

The window out the window. Well, yeah, listen, we.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's the 80s, baby.

[H. Foley]

It was a different.

[Jessica Kirson]

It was.

[H. Foley]

It was a coin flip whether that. That that bag was getting launched out the window.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, exactly. Like I would. I have a huge thing with littering now. But I had to get rid of the. The evidence.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure. So Styrofoam too? Yeah, man.

[Jessica Kirson]

Just a. A yeah. Plastic straw with a turtle attached to it.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right, so you. Would you say Wendy's is your favorite?

[Jessica Kirson]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

What is?

[Jessica Kirson]

I think it would be like McDonald's. I mean it has to be classic. Yeah. If I were to say my favorite one.

[Kevin Ryan]

Beautiful. Great, great, great answer. And I was gonna say I'm also a child of the 80s. Roy Rogers back in the day threw out a mean bacon double cheeseburger.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, they were great.

[Kevin Ryan]

Great.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yep.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. It was in the foil. It was fantastic. And it all fell apart.

[Jessica Kirson]

What are you gonna do?

[H. Foley]

What? Shifting from food for a minute. Unless you have any Pizza Hut or Domino's if you had to.

[Jessica Kirson]

Domino's.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

I respect.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

I really feel that's the right. I like Pizza Hut, but I really love Domino's. Like I some. You either people either like it or they don't. Yeah, I've always liked it.

[H. Foley]

Hey, you're preaching to the choir over here.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Can you.

[Jessica Kirson]

I'm hungry.

[Kevin Ryan]

Can you whistle with your fingers?

[Jessica Kirson]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

Are you double jointed?

[Jessica Kirson]

Yes, you are.

[H. Foley]

What joints?

[Jessica Kirson]

Like, I can move this side to side. Oh, whoa. Do like. I can move my fingers.

[Kevin Ryan]

You can't put the arm back, can you?

[Jessica Kirson]

No. I can't even lift a bag.

[H. Foley]

Huh. What. What was the last vacation you went on or where's the next vacation? Anything not extra, but just. What are you looking at?

[Jessica Kirson]

This is going to be sad to people. I work so much.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Jessica Kirson]

That I literally barely take a. And if I take a vacation, it's. I have a show. Like, it's like you're good. I have to But I think the last one was to the Berkshires.

[H. Foley]

Quiet little weekend.

[Kevin Ryan]

Very nice.

[Jessica Kirson]

I mean. Yeah. I grew up going there every summer and stuff like that. Yeah. But I don't. It's very hard for me to take a vacation and not work.

[H. Foley]

I get it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do you like the beach?

[Jessica Kirson]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

No. Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

I go, but I don't like it.

[Kevin Ryan]

You don't like.

[Jessica Kirson]

There's many things I don't like about it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do you like an all inclusive?

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

You do a buffet?

[Jessica Kirson]

Yes.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

Kidding me. I'd rather a buffet than anything.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

Whatever I want.

[H. Foley]

No. Or no judgment for the order.

[Jessica Kirson]

Exactly. Yeah. And everyone else is eating a ton. It's. Yeah. But the beach, I. I don't know. I. I don't love the ocean. I go in it if I can see. I'll tell you why I go in it if I can see what's under me. But I was bitten by a jellyfish once, and I also.

[H. Foley]

You and animals don't get along, I see.

[Jessica Kirson]

No, I love animals, but. Yeah. I. I don't. The. The ocean is so powerful to me.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Jessica Kirson]

Like, it's so much bigger than me, and I. It frightens me, but I go in it.

[Kevin Ryan]

How bad was the jellyfish sting?

[Jessica Kirson]

It hurt.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Jessica Kirson]

A lot. Yeah, it hurt a lot.

[Kevin Ryan]

Where was this?

[Jessica Kirson]

In Florida. I was a kid in Florida also. One time I was. My. I went in St. Thomas. My father was out of his mind. Like, very funny. But he would pull pranks and do. That was like, a lot when you're a kid. So he was in the boat and I was gonna water ski, and I looked down and there were literally a hundred porcupine fish. And I had a nervous breakdown. Like, I was like, get me in. He's like, freak out. No wonder why I'm a comedian. Sure, I would freak out, but that scared.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Because it takes so long for the boat to come back and get you.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, it was. And I was on the road, like, if they didn't. Like, I didn't know what to do because my legs were up. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

You ever see the video where the two girls are parasailing and it comes down and they're coming down into, like, a pod of sharks. It's crazy. You ever seen that?

[Jessica Kirson]

Are you kidding?

[Kevin Ryan]

Freaking out.

[Jessica Kirson]

What happened?

[Kevin Ryan]

They were all right. They just kind of like, dragged him and then finally pulled them in?

[Jessica Kirson]

I never saw.

[Kevin Ryan]

They weren't huge sharks. They were like, you know, like maybe.

[Jessica Kirson]

Like three coming down. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Freak out. Okay. How do you feel about the rotisserie Chicken, My favorite. Good, good.

[Jessica Kirson]

That's. I grew up eating. Literally eating that, like, almost every night.

[H. Foley]

Shout out to the Roto.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do you have any binoculars at the house?

[Jessica Kirson]

Currently, yes.

[H. Foley]

Why so.

[Jessica Kirson]

Because my kids.

[H. Foley]

Gotcha.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, My daughter likes it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

Huh?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, not bad.

[Jessica Kirson]

I like binoculars. I don't know what the fuck I just said. That should have been the name of my special. I like binoculars. I feel like everyone will watch it.

[H. Foley]

If I said sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hi, I'm Robert De Niro. Nice to meet you. I like binoculars.

[Jessica Kirson]

I like binoculars.

[H. Foley]

Have you been to a T.J. maxx or Marshalls in the last 30 days?

[Kevin Ryan]

Come on.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yep.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

I just spilled seltzer on myself. I've been to a TJ Maxx because I've been looking for clothes.

[H. Foley]

You're looking for clothes? You'll.

[Kevin Ryan]

You.

[H. Foley]

You'll shop for clothes at a tj?

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, why not?

[H. Foley]

I'm just asking.

[Jessica Kirson]

No, I'm saying, like, I feel like those places sometimes have better stuff than.

[H. Foley]

Okay, the.

[Jessica Kirson]

Nice.

[H. Foley]

Are you going in looking for anything or are you going in, like, I need.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

T shirts.

[Jessica Kirson]

I need new teachers.

[H. Foley]

You're going with the direction.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, very. Because there's so many things in there I wouldn't wear.

[H. Foley]

It's chaotic. Yeah, you gotta go. You gotta. You gotta have.

[Jessica Kirson]

I'm not wearing a summer dress.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Any home remedies that you're fond of? Do you have anything that from the family that you do, specifically? Toothpaste on this. Peanut butter on that.

[H. Foley]

Onions in the socks.

[Kevin Ryan]

Onions in the socks.

[Jessica Kirson]

That's big. Really?

[H. Foley]

Yeah, my wife. My wife.

[Kevin Ryan]

For a cold.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. It's like. It's supposed to suck.

[Jessica Kirson]

That is hysterical.

[H. Foley]

No, I mean, eastern block shit.

[Jessica Kirson]

Right? There's different things if you want. Like, it's not a remedy, but if you want something to happen. When you're Jewish, my mother always says, turn a glass over.

[H. Foley]

Really?

[Jessica Kirson]

It's a big thing to. If you want something to.

[H. Foley]

To work out, you say like, hey, I want to have a special on Hulu and then turn this thing over.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yes. Also, there's also the chicken broth thing. Is the healer for everything. For any cold, any thing. Like if you have. Because I have syphilis now, I should make.

[H. Foley]

I heard about.

[Jessica Kirson]

I should make chicken broth.

[H. Foley]

Okay. Switching back to travel a little bit. What kind of luggage you got?

[Jessica Kirson]

Oh, also, teabags for hemorrhoids or for. If you have a stye in your eye. Warm tea bag. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hemorrhoids.

[Jessica Kirson]

I mean, actually teabagging me. No. Could you Imagine you have a hemorrhoid and you have a guy sit on your face.

[H. Foley]

That's an odd doctor you got.

[Jessica Kirson]

What did you ask me?

[Kevin Ryan]

You put the teabag on your butthole.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah. You're supposed to like, it works for anything that's swollen or irritated.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, that's probably like.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, you guys are gonna have tea bags on your asshol.

[H. Foley]

Well, it's funny, they also say Preparation H for bags or wrinkles on your eyes. Like tightens it, you know, it tightens it all up there. What kind of luggage do you have? Do you do name brand luggage? No, just whatever you got.

[Jessica Kirson]

I'm not a big spender. I have this huge bag that Brian Morton, who you know.

[H. Foley]

Yes. Good friend of the show.

[Jessica Kirson]

He's great. He does all my stuff online and he brought me this bag one time for merch because he had to get something to me. And it's this enormous red plastic bag. Like enormous. And it has a skull on it.

[H. Foley]

And that's your luggage.

[Jessica Kirson]

So drug like. But every time I have it in the, in the airport, people like, that's amazing. You got it for like $20 at Target.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wait, you put your clothes in there?

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, I just use random bear. I'm not.

[H. Foley]

That's insane. For as much as you travel, like.

[Jessica Kirson]

The wheels could be broken and I'm still dragging something sideways down. Yeah, I'm. I have, I'm trying to better with this. I have a very hard time buying things for myself. I will buy anything for anyone, but. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Will you get the reusable bag at the grocery store?

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

You will?

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Will you throw it out?

[Jessica Kirson]

Yes.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

Do you ever go to the grocery store with bags like, oh, I'm taking these?

[Jessica Kirson]

I have, but I don't normally do that.

[H. Foley]

And where are you food shopping now? What's the grocery store you go to?

[Jessica Kirson]

I go to like usually. Well, I order it online a lot now, to be honest with you. Amazon Fresh and like that. But I, I'll go to like Stu shop and shop or if I were, if I were in Jersey, I'd go to shoprite. That was my shout out.

[H. Foley]

Shoprite.

[Jessica Kirson]

Great guy.

[H. Foley]

Jersey institution.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Are you flossing every day?

[H. Foley]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

You brushing every day?

[Jessica Kirson]

Every day, morning and night. Two, three. When you're in a relationship, you have to brush your teeth.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[Jessica Kirson]

Unless you're married.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

Then you let go of all of that. You don't care what you look like or smell like or.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm familiar.

[H. Foley]

Yes, well aware.

[Kevin Ryan]

Are you, Are you, are you mouthwashed?

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, sometimes what are you using? Colgate.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay, the wrong answer would be Scope. That would be the trashy answer.

[Jessica Kirson]

The right answer. I used to use Scope.

[Kevin Ryan]

Scope.

[Jessica Kirson]

That's delicious.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, it is unbelievable.

[Jessica Kirson]

I love that you just said it's delicious.

[Kevin Ryan]

So much better than Listerine.

[Jessica Kirson]

I hate Listerine.

[H. Foley]

I use it this morning. I need the burn.

[Jessica Kirson]

Oh, I don't. I don't like it at all.

[H. Foley]

No, I. I need it. My wife tries to ask me something. I'm like, shut up. I'm busy burning over here. I can't talk or listen to you.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, it's like getting that high. You just don't want anyone chasing the dragon.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

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[Jessica Kirson]

No, no. I know. I knew you guys were gonna say that.

[Kevin Ryan]

What?

[Jessica Kirson]

Because I need to get an assistant.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're taking your shoes off at the airport?

[Jessica Kirson]

No, I have clear.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, I am taking my clear shoes off.

[Jessica Kirson]

No, but I just. I just got an email about clear. You know, with the what if the. It's called I can't remember what you just asked me.

[H. Foley]

TSA preview.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, TSA pre check. Like pre check clear.

[H. Foley]

I mean, you can do TSA pre check at a duane read now.

[Jessica Kirson]

Really?

[H. Foley]

Yes. Yeah.

[Jessica Kirson]

Oh, I'll do it.

[H. Foley]

Staples, anywhere you go, you got to get it.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's crazy.

[H. Foley]

That's crazy.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, I feel very judged.

[H. Foley]

Oh, welcome to the show. Do you take your shoes off on an airplane?

[Jessica Kirson]

No, I mean, sorry. For a long trip.

[H. Foley]

Long flight.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Cross country.

[Jessica Kirson]

I will never Take my socks off. I think that is absolutely disgusting.

[H. Foley]

It.

[Kevin Ryan]

Is it the clicker or the remote or.

[Jessica Kirson]

That's funny because I used to say the clicker, and now I say remote, But I used to, for years, it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Up a little bit. Clicker.

[H. Foley]

How do you. How do you pronounce the. The product that Crayola makes?

[Jessica Kirson]

Crayon.

[H. Foley]

Crayon.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's actually.

[Jessica Kirson]

What am I supposed to say?

[Kevin Ryan]

Crayon?

[H. Foley]

I say. I say crown.

[Jessica Kirson]

No, you don't.

[H. Foley]

I do. Yeah.

[Jessica Kirson]

Are you a racist? Crown? Sounds like you have a slate. Like, it's bad.

[Kevin Ryan]

He doesn't like purple.

[Jessica Kirson]

I have a very Jersey accent, though. I say coffee.

[H. Foley]

Coffee.

[Kevin Ryan]

Coffee.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I say coffee's good.

[H. Foley]

That's not bad.

[Jessica Kirson]

But you guys are from Philly, so you. You could be saying that, too.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, I. I've. Yeah. I say a lot of things. Not great crown being one of them.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do you bite your nails?

[Jessica Kirson]

Yes.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay, where do the nails go?

[Jessica Kirson]

Go either inside of me. You eat it sometimes, like, if it's a small thing. I'm being honest. Yeah. I've. Sometimes if I'm out in public, I'll. I'll spit it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Flick it.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, I flick it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Behind the couch.

[H. Foley]

No, that's where they go. Everybody knows that's where they go.

[Jessica Kirson]

No, I throw them out. You throw them out or in the toilet? Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay. I'll give you that. Not bad.

[H. Foley]

If I'm feeling fancy, I get up and throw them out the window. That's the closest.

[Kevin Ryan]

Eating one's wild.

[H. Foley]

Yes.

[Jessica Kirson]

Well, no, not if you're like. But no. It is a small nail. No, I. I don't think so.

[Kevin Ryan]

You dip that in the pink sauce. Goes good on anything.

[H. Foley]

Okay. Huh. If you get the mail for the wrong person, like your neighbor, what do you do?

[Jessica Kirson]

I throw it out.

[H. Foley]

Okay. Because you're a goddamn American.

[Jessica Kirson]

Are you kidding me? It's usually junk.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Oh, no. Yeah. You rarely receive anything.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do you have extra batteries in the house right now?

[Jessica Kirson]

Yes.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

I actually have an amazing thing that my sister got me on Amazon because she ordered. When I moved to my apartment, she ordered me a ton of shit.

[Kevin Ryan]

Is it the thing that has.

[Jessica Kirson]

It's amazing. I'm sorry, but that's really great.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Jessica Kirson]

It's like a briefcase and it has like, 50 of every kind of battery. It's great.

[H. Foley]

We need one of those. Get one for the studio.

[Jessica Kirson]

Her goddamn production company comes in a red case.

[H. Foley]

I don't know what he does. They pay him pretty. Pretty good salary. Every time I tell you, can you pick me up. Batteries. We need batteries. We're stopping to get back. She's got you. Get the briefcase of battery.

[Jessica Kirson]

It's great.

[Kevin Ryan]

What's your main credit card these days? What do you like? Unamx? Your Visa, MasterCard? Discover?

[H. Foley]

Delta Amex?

[Jessica Kirson]

I use a Delta Amex, and I use a, you know, Chase card business card.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

Do you like collecting the points?

[Jessica Kirson]

Yes.

[H. Foley]

A big points gal.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

You use them ever?

[Jessica Kirson]

I use the points on Delta, but I don't use. It's so you guys are, like, reading my mind. Because I just thought recently I have to, like, contact Amex and see what I can do. What I have.

[Kevin Ryan]

I.

[H. Foley]

Listen, the one that we were talking about, nice hotels. The only time we'll stay at a really nice hotel because we travel a lot of us, so we can't do that. Yeah, we travel like five guys. But when. If it's me and him flying somewhere to do pods or whatever, if it's just me and him, we'll use our Amex points for, like, a Ritz Carlton or something. We've done it twice. But, I mean, how many points is.

[Jessica Kirson]

That if you wanted to use it?

[H. Foley]

I don't think it's crazy. See how many it's not. Not nuts. And if you get someone smart at it, who probably Morton's smart at it, you can, like, convert them to Amex to Delta, back to whatever, and you can really get it. But they treat you like royalty. We thought we were gonna get treated like schmucks because we booked on points.

[Jessica Kirson]

Right?

[H. Foley]

Right. We were a little embarrassed because we won a contest. We have complexes about that stuff. We feel like we don't belong.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

And they rolled there. They. They treat even better because you're. They're like, oh, you've spent so much money.

[Jessica Kirson]

Right. To get here, by the way. I am like you guys that way, where I feel like I don't deserve to stay at the Ritz Carlton. And I feel weird and like I'm not fancy enough. Like, I really have that.

[H. Foley]

Well, that being said, he is walking through the lobby barefoot. So, like, we really don't belong there. And we're not allowed back to the one in Austin. That's really. That came in writing.

[Kevin Ryan]

I didn't realize I was on trial here.

[H. Foley]

Now we're allowed.

[Jessica Kirson]

Oh, okay. I'm so gullible. I'm like, what did you do?

[Kevin Ryan]

Did you ever. Have you ever signed up for a credit card on the plane?

[Jessica Kirson]

Once.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, my God.

[Jessica Kirson]

Delta years ago.

[Kevin Ryan]

60,000 points. Why not?

[H. Foley]

I did it for 35,000 points.

[Jessica Kirson]

No money. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. You hear that? And you go, my name's not attached to anything with 50,000.

[Jessica Kirson]

I mean, like you guys, I was poor for years. Doing standup like I had. No. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Filling out a credit card form with a golf pencil is a tough life.

[H. Foley]

Look. Woo.

[Kevin Ryan]

What about a Diners Club? You ever had Diners Club?

[Jessica Kirson]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

Discover. You ever discovered Cart?

[Jessica Kirson]

Of course I had a discovery. I had a rush. Jean jacket.

[H. Foley]

How do you think you got some work? That's good. Have you ever shopped on qvc?

[Jessica Kirson]

I probably did like once or twice, but I don't.

[H. Foley]

Not a habit.

[Jessica Kirson]

No. Yeah. I just was never into that. But I get why people are addicted to it.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Jessica Kirson]

My God.

[H. Foley]

Do you ever play the lottery? The daily numbers, the scratchers or anything? Do you ever get really into it?

[Jessica Kirson]

I'm not really into it, but I've done it. I love to gamble, so.

[H. Foley]

Really?

[Jessica Kirson]

Really. Really.

[Kevin Ryan]

Where? The tables at the casino.

[Jessica Kirson]

I haven't done the tables in a long time, but I'm telling you, I can't a thousand times. I've been to casinos and played blackjack all night.

[Kevin Ryan]

Really?

[H. Foley]

You do?

[Jessica Kirson]

Well, I do, yeah. I have to not sit with people who don't play. Right. I have a big thing about it. So instead of getting hostile and be like, what are doing? Why are you splitting tents? And I get crazy. I just get up and go to another table. But I've done pretty well playing. I play by the book.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Jessica Kirson]

But now I play slots on my phone and it's a problem that's pretty clear.

[H. Foley]

For real money or like points.

[Jessica Kirson]

I buy the coins and then write that down. I'm addicted to it.

[H. Foley]

Really? Yeah.

[Jessica Kirson]

I'm an addict.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. One game or do you play multiple games?

[Jessica Kirson]

Like, no, I play like a. On a thing that has like 50 kind of slot games and then I go from one to the next.

[Kevin Ryan]

Whoa.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, I mean a lot of people will leave shows and do like cocaine and I'm like on, you know, Cherry.

[H. Foley]

Cherry. Cherry. Yeah. Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

You know what it is? My brain is so crazy. So it's like I see just images and numbers and I'm not thinking about anything because my brain is always right, you know? You guys are probably like that too.

[H. Foley]

Sure, man.

[Kevin Ryan]

You got a Swiffer at the house?

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay. What's the vacuum cleaner got? Dyson.

[Jessica Kirson]

I have a Dyson.

[H. Foley]

Good for you.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Not bad.

[Kevin Ryan]

If we came over to the the house right now and you offered us water, what would you be giving us? Would it be a bottle? Would it be a Brita? Would it be bottle? Bottle of Poland Spring.

[H. Foley]

Spring.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

Sometimes Fiji.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay. Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

I had the one, you know, the tank where you. I never used.

[H. Foley]

I did that, too. I just got rid. I had it for years. We just got rid of it.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah. It's like a waste if you're not good. Whatever.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

If we were at the house and we opened up the refrigerator, would there be anything expired in there?

[Jessica Kirson]

No. And I'll tell you why there might be, that I didn't notice, but I grew up in a house where everything was expired. Every thing, like the cheese had confetti. So I am traumatized. I know some people understand. Understand this.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Jessica Kirson]

I am trauma. Like, I smell water. Like, I am traumatized. I smell by food like, that's gone bad or. So even if the milk says, you know, June, whatever. I'm smelling it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

I. It was bad. So I had. There was rotten meat. There was. It was so. I can't do it.

[Kevin Ryan]

You smell the milk every time. That's a real good one.

[Jessica Kirson]

Even if it's.

[Kevin Ryan]

Smell the milk.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do you shake the milk? You shake milk up?

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

My dad did that. I never understood it. He would shake it up and then pour it into cereal. It's crazy.

[Kevin Ryan]

I always shake it up.

[Jessica Kirson]

I do, too. I don't know why I shake the milk, but. Yeah, I'm really. Even if it expires like a week later, I have to throw it out.

[H. Foley]

What? Say you're at home and you're making bacon. How do you make that bacon? Microwave, pan or oven?

[Jessica Kirson]

I'd say pan or microwave.

[H. Foley]

Microwaves.

[Jessica Kirson]

I microwave a lot of.

[H. Foley]

I do that just hit me to the core. Oh. Like, what if you.

[Jessica Kirson]

You know, I mean, I heat up everything.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

Even if I. I have coffee the entire day until night time, it's cold. And I will put it in the microwave.

[H. Foley]

And that's why mom does.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah. Or I'll drink coffee. Like, if I'm on the road, I'll drink the same coffee that I had from the morning. At night.

[Kevin Ryan]

Is there.

[H. Foley]

When it's that cold, it's got a nice little.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Zest to it.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Is there any. Will eat cold? Like, say you have leftovers in the fridge from the night before. Will you have, like, some cold lasagna or something like that?

[Jessica Kirson]

Yes. I have no problem with cold food.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

I. I always eat cold food.

[Kevin Ryan]

I respect it.

[Jessica Kirson]

Good stuff.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

Like, I'll put food in the. On the road in the fridge and then just Take it out and eat it. That I had the night before. Chicken or whatever.

[H. Foley]

Now. Okay. What's. You know, you're a very successful comedian. You're doing very big venues. Shoes. What's the rider looking like? Anything on? I mean, I know you're not like.

[Jessica Kirson]

You don't have curious what your rider is because you really want to know. Yes. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Bottle of James Gummy bears.

[H. Foley]

Bottle of Jameson Gummy bears and bud and a domestic light beer.

[Jessica Kirson]

So no snacks?

[H. Foley]

Nah. They'll shock. They'll throw. Well, that we had somebody, somebody. An agent or somebody put on like sandwiches, but they would get like us gas station sandwiches. And I'm like, no one's eating these. We don't want. You don't want a tuna fish sandwich that's been sitting there for a week. I ate them, so I would too. We got rid of that. We'll normally do like an Uber Eats or something.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, I do that a lot.

[H. Foley]

Just the easiest thing.

[Jessica Kirson]

No, I have. I have to change it because like I asked for pretzels and they give me three huge bags. I'm not every single weekend.

[H. Foley]

You're like, what do I do?

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, three enormous bags of pretzels every night. So I'm like doing a different place each night. And so I have six huge bags. Yeah, nine bags. And then I get sliced turkey, cheese.

[H. Foley]

Wow, we should be doing that. It's great lunch meat.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, I get sliced turkey from. They get it at the market.

[H. Foley]

That's amazing.

[Jessica Kirson]

Cheese. I get cheese.

[H. Foley]

You're just doing roll ups.

[Jessica Kirson]

I bread. I do bread or roll ups. But I. Yeah, and then, and then I do. I'm getting rid of this, the vegetable platter. Because no one eats, no one touches it. I get some fruit and sometimes it's just like an apple and banana and sometimes it's like a really nice fruit platter. I do. I have to have espresso. I get four espressos and it has to be.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, they come star. But they'll have four Starbucks.

[Jessica Kirson]

Coffee is my thing. If you just give me coffee and like pretzels and a piece of cheese, I'm fine.

[Kevin Ryan]

Four espressos.

[Jessica Kirson]

Because I'll take two and then I take two back to the hotel for the next morning. I'm pretty. I'm a dirt bag.

[H. Foley]

That's. That's dirt bag.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean I respect the espresso.

[Jessica Kirson]

I take espresso every. No, you can allot very early in the morning. There's nowhere to.

[H. Foley]

And it depends where to.

[Jessica Kirson]

And with the coffee in the room it usually tastes like urine. I add, you're not making coffee in the room.

[H. Foley]

You're not using that coffee, are you?

[Jessica Kirson]

Always.

[H. Foley]

That's nuts.

[Kevin Ryan]

What?

[Jessica Kirson]

Always.

[H. Foley]

People peeing it.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're using the coffee machine.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

In the hotel room.

[Jessica Kirson]

Not in, like, a shitty, shitty hotel room, but in a nicer hotel room. I mean, a lot of times they have espresso things now.

[Kevin Ryan]

You know, they got the George Clooney. What is it? Nescafe or whatever it is.

[Jessica Kirson]

George Clooney, he smokes.

[H. Foley]

That guy's got coffee now.

[Jessica Kirson]

I thought you said George Clooney and made a mistake, that it was George Foreman, and I started laughing, but it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Is George Foreman, espresso maker.

[Jessica Kirson]

He died.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Wow.

[Kevin Ryan]

Shout out to the big guy.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. A lot of times we have to. We'll leave it there or give it to the staff, because if we're flying, it's like, you know. Oh, I always do that by the end of. By. I'm like, we can't fly with a bottle of Jameson.

[Jessica Kirson]

I always do that, too.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah. I mean, you always, like, the housekeeping people take it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[Jessica Kirson]

They always.

[H. Foley]

You say, you know, say you're somewhere for one night and somewhere for a weekend. One night. What are you tipping? The. The. The cleaning people. What are you leaving on the. On the dresser?

[Jessica Kirson]

Oh, I always tip. I have to tip.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Jessica Kirson]

Like, I. I hate that people don't tip.

[Kevin Ryan]

5, 10, 20.

[Jessica Kirson]

I will normally leave 10 if I'm staying like. Like two nights. 20?

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Jessica Kirson]

If I'm in a suite. 20.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

Because it's a big. It's like two rooms.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Do you let them come in? Like, are you, like. Hey, no, you're just.

[Jessica Kirson]

I've become very private. There's reasons why. Yeah. That's what I do.

[H. Foley]

The same way.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't need you folding the sheets.

[Jessica Kirson]

No, I don't want them. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

You like the sheets untucked. Do you like them tucked untucked? Untucked. Excellent. Any turquoise jewelry?

[Jessica Kirson]

I only used to wear turquoise jewelry for a long time because that's like artsy fartsy dirt bat, you know? That's crazy. I only wear silver.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

I don't like gold.

[Kevin Ryan]

You don't like gold?

[Jessica Kirson]

Like, I. I'm all silver.

[Kevin Ryan]

All silver. All right.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah. But I. I don't wear turquoise. I love turquoise jewelry, but I don't wear it anymore.

[H. Foley]

What's the name of the high school you went to?

[Jessica Kirson]

Columbia.

[H. Foley]

Columbia High School. And what was the mascot?

[Jessica Kirson]

I. I think it was. Oh, my God. Can you believe I can't remember a tiger. If it's like a fish, I'm going to die.

[H. Foley]

Last night, Columbia High School in. We're going to see what we do if we find out if our guest is on the notable alumni from their high school. So they have an interesting setup over here. Okay. They have their notable alumni list, and then they have a weird note of other notable alumni not currently in the hall of fame include. And Jessica Kirsten is not in the hall of Fame. Not in hall of fame, which is so weird.

[Jessica Kirson]

My stepbrother, of course, Zach Braff. What's her name? Lauryn Hill.

[H. Foley]

Yep. Lauryn Hill. Yeah. What the. This is one of the craziest notable alumni. It's so long.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hit the list.

[H. Foley]

Give me the heavy hit. I mean, obviously Lauren. Like, Lauren Hill of Lauren.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah. Lauren and Zach were good friends.

[H. Foley]

Elizabeth Shue.

[Jessica Kirson]

Oh, yeah. The Shoes.

[Kevin Ryan]

Whoa.

[H. Foley]

Who's Elizabeth?

[Jessica Kirson]

John Shoe. And Elizabeth. Yeah, John Shoe. And she's. She's beautiful.

[H. Foley]

I know.

[Kevin Ryan]

She's in babysitting.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, yeah. John Shoe, camel hair, coat, is a huge actor. He was on the first show with, like, friends living in a complex.

[H. Foley]

Oh, Elizabeth, you.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, the second one. You're talking.

[H. Foley]

Oh. Then there's a lot of, like, scientists and, like, a lot of smart people.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah. It's a very good high school.

[H. Foley]

Wow. What's the mascot? Let me pull that up. In Maplewood.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yep. It was amazing.

[H. Foley]

That's not that far from Philly.

[Jessica Kirson]

No, no, it's. Well, it's like an hour and an hour.

[H. Foley]

Okay. Hour and a half. Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Cougars.

[H. Foley]

The Cougars.

[Jessica Kirson]

Right. So I was close. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

They didn't give you that. You're on the. You're on the Notable. Alum, baby.

[H. Foley]

That's pretty good. We're not. Bullshit. Still, no one's out of us after we've been doing this. Doing this bit for six months.

[Kevin Ryan]

We got cereal at the house.

[Jessica Kirson]

What?

[Kevin Ryan]

We got cereal. Is it on top of the refrigerator or is it in a cabinet?

[Jessica Kirson]

It's so funny you said that if I could put it on top of the refrigerator, it would be because I used to do that. I mean, all the time. But now there's no room. But it's in the cabinet. Yeah. I had grape nuts this morning.

[Kevin Ryan]

Get out of here. Yeah, Love them.

[Jessica Kirson]

Love them.

[Kevin Ryan]

Soak them up. Let them get a little soggy.

[Jessica Kirson]

So good they are. You ever have it with banana?

[Kevin Ryan]

Of course.

[Jessica Kirson]

So good.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Banana, A little sugar.

[H. Foley]

Was he an. Of course he is.

[Jessica Kirson]

You know what? It's so good with sugar and banana.

[Kevin Ryan]

They're so good. Un. Very underrated.

[H. Foley]

Do you have any half used gift cards? Currently, yeah. To. Where do you think?

[Jessica Kirson]

To Macy's, Starbucks.

[H. Foley]

Pretty good ones, I'll give you that.

[Jessica Kirson]

Amazon?

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah. That's it.

[H. Foley]

That's pretty good. That's good. Can't throw shade at that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do you enjoy or are you grossed out by popping a pimple?

[Jessica Kirson]

Okay, so I'm. I enjoy it on myself.

[Kevin Ryan]

Not on somebody else.

[H. Foley]

No.

[Jessica Kirson]

Unless it's my child.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah. That would never gross me out.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay. Okay. Yeah, that makes sense. Classy answer.

[H. Foley]

Do you have a. At the house pepper shaker or pepper grinder shaker? Whoa. You got to step your game up. No.

[Kevin Ryan]

Fresh cracked pepper.

[Jessica Kirson]

I like fresh. Fresh crack.

[H. Foley]

Pepper as a tongue twister.

[Jessica Kirson]

I like crack. Fresh prep. But no, I'm lazy.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

Because it has to do with doing something nice for myself. Like, if I thought my kids would enjoy it or my partner, you know, I would in a second. But I. I'm. I'm not going to. I just don't do it for myself.

[Kevin Ryan]

What's the salt at the house? You doing Himalayan sea salt? You doing sea salt?

[Jessica Kirson]

I'm doing sea salt.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

But not Himalayan.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Jessica Kirson]

I don't like those people. But I'm doing. I'm doing.

[H. Foley]

First person I know has beef with.

[Kevin Ryan]

The Himalayas say it's a bit of a scam.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

And not great for you.

[H. Foley]

I mean, listen, I don't know on this one.

[Kevin Ryan]

What are you nuts? Hey. Pepperoni combo.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry.

[Jessica Kirson]

That's a slob.

[Kevin Ryan]

Talking about pepperoni combo. She's eating her fingernail.

[H. Foley]

She's shaking the milk.

[Jessica Kirson]

Come on.

[H. Foley]

I'm talking.

[Jessica Kirson]

I don't take. Like, if I had a little hangnail. I'm talking about. I'm not. Like.

[H. Foley]

She's got dry toes. She's a lot going on over there.

[Kevin Ryan]

She's saving the espresso. She's using the coffee machine in the.

[H. Foley]

You're right. I'm sorry.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, yeah.

[H. Foley]

She.

[Jessica Kirson]

She.

[Kevin Ryan]

Her luggage is from the Warlocks and.

[Jessica Kirson]

I'm proud of it. I'm proud of it.

[H. Foley]

She had a Rush denim jacket.

[Kevin Ryan]

A Rush denim jacket.

[H. Foley]

Man, I'm glad we put you back.

[Jessica Kirson]

Major, major power. Pothead. I was a major pothead.

[Kevin Ryan]

Saw Genesis back in the day.

[Jessica Kirson]

Exactly.

[Kevin Ryan]

Very good.

[Jessica Kirson]

I followed the.

[Kevin Ryan]

Very classy first.

[Jessica Kirson]

I followed the Grateful Dead.

[H. Foley]

Jesus Christ.

[Jessica Kirson]

I did mushrooms and. And, you know, sucked out of balloons and sold ice pops.

[Kevin Ryan]

She's got the Swiffer.

[H. Foley]

That's pretty good.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's very Good.

[H. Foley]

It's a day to day car.

[Jessica Kirson]

Now it's a Lincoln Nautilus.

[Kevin Ryan]

Respectable.

[H. Foley]

That's what I got turned down for.

[Jessica Kirson]

Really?

[H. Foley]

I swear to God. They denied me, but I'm.

[Kevin Ryan]

Listen, ladies and gentlemen.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

You gotta official ruling. Jessica Kirsten, 100% garbage.

[Jessica Kirson]

I'm so happy.

[Kevin Ryan]

But the absolute best.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. We love you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Brand new special out right now on Hulu. I'm the man. Truly one of the funniest people.

[Jessica Kirson]

Thank you.

[H. Foley]

Not even comedy today.

[Kevin Ryan]

An absolute killer. We know most of you guys are familiar with her. If you're not, go check out the special. Go check out a show. She will absolutely blow you away. She's one of the absolute best.

[Jessica Kirson]

Thank you. I love you guys so much. Thank you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Anything else you want the folks out there to know when this comes out? Any dates coming up in a little bit?

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah, I have a lot of dates coming up. So if they go to jessicurson.com and that's my whole schedule. And also a big tick tock. YouTube.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. I mean you're, you're, she's. If you're not from it, just go know, go look at her YouTube. Any Instagram. I mean she's a behemoth.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Kevin Ryan]

One of the biggest, One of the best.

[H. Foley]

Unbelievable.

[Kevin Ryan]

Kippy, what do you got for them?

[H. Foley]

Our tour dates are on sale right now as well. Tickets are going fast. Get them before they're gone. And the AYG card game available@r garbage.com gang.

[Kevin Ryan]

We love you, Jessica. We love you.

[Jessica Kirson]

Yep, love you too.

[Kevin Ryan]

We'll see you next week. Peace.