Jim Gaffigan Returns!

Summary

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Are You Garbage? — "Jim Gaffigan Returns!"

Podcast Hosts: Kevin Ryan & H. Foley
Guest: Jim Gaffigan
Release Date: November 24, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this hilarious and laid-back episode, legendary comedian Jim Gaffigan returns to "Are You Garbage?" for another round of banter, life reflections, and, of course, the signature “garbage test.” Hosts H. Foley and Kevin Ryan pepper Gaffigan with probing (and absurd) questions to determine just how “garbage” he remains, diving into topics like food habits, family dynamics, and fast food rankings while keeping the laughs coming. Gaffigan also discusses his new YouTube special, "Live from Old Forester, the Bourbon Set," and shares his evolving attitudes towards garbage culture, parenting, and the finer (and not so fine) things in life.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Butter, Peanut Butter, and Food on the Counter

• Leaving butter out: Gaffigan reveals he's now a “leave the butter out guy” after being previously conditioned to put it in the fridge. He says,

  “Baby likes his butter soft. So it gets right to the melting.” — Jim Gaffigan [02:31]

• Childhood food memories: Peanut butter was left out, but butter often went in the fridge to avoid flies and cigarette smoke.
• Salted butter: All agree that if it’s out, it needs to be salted (“Come on. Yeah, right.” — Gaffigan [03:14]).

Relationships, Gender Stereotypes, and Household Roles

• Gaffigan jokingly sets forth the “guy equation”: “All a guy needs is respect and food. That’s all he needs.” [03:23]
• Admits his wife Jeannie “runs the show,” managing household logistics while he’s the “pussy” [03:54].
• Parenting as comedians is “not from this planet” but “a bad mess” they love [04:19, 04:43].
• Gaffigan relishes his solo time on the road, likening it to being stranded (happily) on a deserted island [05:23].

Living Arrangements & Raising Kids in Tight Spaces

• Gaffigan recounts the craziness of raising five kids in a two-bedroom New York apartment:

  “My wife was constantly pregnant, so…she’s in nesting mode. She doesn’t want to, like, move.” [06:18]

Grocery Shopping & Food Delivery

• Gaffigan uses food delivery services but prefers shopping himself for quality reasons:

  “…you’re paying a surcharge for someone to deliver an unripe avocado.” [07:13]

• His wife is careful to avoid food waste; he prefers a surplus for “two teenage boys always eating” [07:52].

Ham Preferences & Food Brand Philosophy

• No honey or maple ham:

  “Maple syrup is sugar spit. Let’s be serious.” [08:33]

• Prefers deli-sliced, thinly cut ham, but will settle for Tupperware-packaged if needed [09:16].
• Tupperware ham is “a guy with an opinion on Tupperware ham” — classic "garbage" material [10:12].

Hidden Dad Treats & Parenting “Criminals”

• Gaffigan hides his good bourbon from his kids (“Children are criminals…you’re living with criminals”) and discusses how teenagers always find a way to sneak things past parents [11:45].
• On looking back at teenage years:

  “Teenagers are a handful. Even the best ones at times are a problem.” [12:32]

Athletic Competition with His Kids

• His 21-year-old is now taller than him (6’2”), and his 14-year-old is “getting close to 6'” — but Gaffigan is still called in to do heavy lifting (“like carrying your brother out in the military” [13:44]).

Childhood Celebrity Encounters

• Most famous person he met as a kid? Jimmy Walker from "Good Times"—complete with a “dynamite” bucket hat. He also sported Mork & Mindy rainbow suspenders [14:39-15:36].

Demographics & Audience Experiences

• Gaffigan talks about live event crowds:

  “The entire stadium is white people, and all the players are black. This stadium is exactly Jim Gaffigan’s Democrats.” [16:28]

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Memorable Quotes & Classic Gaffigan Moments

• “I’m just saying, like, all a guy needs is respect and food. That’s all he needs.” — Jim Gaffigan [03:23]
• “I have too many kids.” — Jim Gaffigan [05:08]
• “Children are criminals. Of course. You’re living with criminals.” — Jim Gaffigan [11:45]
• “Maple syrup is sugar spit. Let’s be serious.” — Jim Gaffigan [08:33]
• “Baby likes his butter soft.” — Jim Gaffigan [02:31]
• “There should be too much cream cheese [on a bagel].” — Jim Gaffigan [53:45]
• “It’s just Heinz, all right? There are certain things that should be a monopoly. It’s like, look, we don’t have more than one army…” — Jim Gaffigan [46:44]

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Food: Preferences, Rants, and Hierarchies

Fast Food Rankings

• Top Spots: Shake Shack > Wendy’s (sometimes Culver’s) > McDonald’s > Burger King
• “Shake Shack is the best.” — Jim Gaffigan [41:46]
• Consistency is key: “The most inconsistent fast food place is Burger King.” [43:09]
• Burger King’s breakfast (“croissants, bacon egg and cheese…eggs are fluffy, cheese is good”) is “one of the best” even if their main menu is too inconsistent [45:53].

Ketchup, Mustard, Mayonnaise

• Ketchup must be Heinz. “Don’t make your own ketchup,” Gaffigan says to restaurants [47:22].
• On mustard, he prefers French’s; mayonnaise, Hellmann’s (Duke’s and Mike’s get honorable mention) [48:18, 49:20, 49:33].
• “If you like Miracle Whip, it just means you like sugar.” [48:26]

Breads:

• Loves biscuits (“underappreciated”), cornbread, English muffin; hates croissants (“too much of a mess”) [49:47-50:51].
• Bagel order: “Everything bagel, scooped and toasted—with too much cream cheese” [52:24, 53:33].

Cereal, Steak, and Random Food Habits

• “Cereal is now considered this great poison… but back then it was a form of independence” [24:22].
• Prefers steak medium rare but is trending towards medium due to age [25:50].
• Smith & Wollensky’s is a favorite steakhouse; whiskey bars are a new passion (“your whiskey mentor”) [28:01, 30:29].

Ordering and Delivery Frustrations

• Hates room service and delivery apps messing up orders, feels old yelling about it:

  “Do I sound like a prick?” (on demanding correct orders) [37:38]

• Service and food quality at airports enrages him — especially bagels at O’Hare [33:22], LaGuardia [51:48], and Newark [59:11].

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Garbage Test: Pizza, Sweet vs. Savory, Regional Grievances

• Pizza allegiance: Domino’s thin crust is his go-to for “functional” pizza, but he loves Prince Street and Detroit styles for taste [56:07].
• Hates sweet flavors with savory (e.g., maple ham, hot honey on pizza):

  “Keep your sweetness away from my pizza. I hate that.” [57:04]

• Pancakes: puts butter (maybe powdered sugar) — never syrup [54:59].
• “When I take over this country, the first thing I’m going to do…all the maple syrup, it’s gone. We’re going to dump it in the Gulf of Mexico.” [54:38]

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Sports, Fame, and Freebies

• Gaffigan shares how sometimes he gets comped tickets by venues he’s performed at, but also occasionally buys tickets like a regular guy for the Mets with his kids [21:53].
• Has declined Cubs World Series tickets, believing they “belong to real fans” [23:24].

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Airports and Traveling Pet Peeves

• On airport restaurants: “It breaks my heart. I’m like, oh, you’ve ruined it.” [32:13]
• Sad state of bagels at airports (“I felt like I should report it to someone.” [33:22])
• Delivery and ride-sharing apps have made everything more complicated for staff and customers [37:49].

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Parenting Musings

• Teenagers at home take everything, including his clothes and “hidden” bourbon [10:34-11:36].
• New York living with five kids is “crazy” but reminiscent of earlier generations [06:26].
• “You don’t realize till you’re gone…this is America.” Gaffigan, on recognizing small daily details like cream-cheese-on-a-bagel quality [52:56].

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Notable Timestamps

• Butter debate & household rules: 02:02 – 04:56
• Ham preferences & food delivery: 08:18 – 10:12
• Kids stealing bourbon & parenting: 10:16 – 14:14
• Famous childhood encounters: 14:34 – 15:36
• Cereal & breakfast lore: 24:14 – 25:29
• Fast food rankings and rants: 41:14 – 46:11
• Bread discussion and bagel grievances: 49:40 – 53:59
• Pizza: thin crust, bad honey: 56:07 – 57:16

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Conclusion & Final Verdict

Jim Gaffigan remains gloriously, relatably "garbage"—embracing everyday food quirks, failed delivery orders, junk drawer mentalities, and humble Midwestern roots, even as fame and fortune let him choose a nice fridge and the right bourbon. He leaves no cliché unroasted but confirms the power of authenticity in comedy and daily life.

“Still 100% garbage. Trash.” — Kevin Ryan [60:41]
“Now you have to…go watch ‘The Bourbon Set.’” — Jim Gaffigan [60:48]

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Final Notes

• Watch Jim Gaffigan’s “Live from Old Forester, The Bourbon Set” on YouTube
• Key takeaways: Leave the butter out, always check the bag for your Tupperware ham, beware of sweet with savory, and never trust a room-temperature bagel from the airport.
• Classic "Are You Garbage?" tone: Honest, irreverent, and full of food-based self-deprecation.

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Transcript

[H. Foley]

We got new tour dates to announce, gang. Obviously, we got Philadelphia at the Met December 13, but then we're headed to Austin, Tampa, Chicago, Bloomington, Indiana, Nashville, Tennessee. We got Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and Cleveland, Ohio. Get your tickets right now. Are you garbage.com? the boys are coming.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Welcome to another exciting edition of are you Gahbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or.

[Kevin Ryan]

Or absolute trash.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is RU Garbage.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Oh, yeah, it's that little show.

[Kevin Ryan]

We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that if they grew up to be classy, yeah, they're just a big old piece of trash.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Trash, trash, trash.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm your host, H. Foley. Coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in a new edition. She's down in Miami getting in the highlight. Okay, A lot of cash to be made down there on that sport.

[H. Foley]

30 years late.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I'd argue that sport is still a thing. Or. Or was it just in the Miami Vice kind of intro?

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't know, but it worked.

[Jim Gaffigan]

It looks so cool. I was like, oh, so exotic.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, I was a big Miami Vice guy, but that's either here nor there. Mike coast is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of Are you garbage? He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world, and I love him. Give it up for kj, Kevin, James Ryan, everybody.

[H. Foley]

What up, gang? Shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in as always. Please make sure you rate view, subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Then obviously the greatest website of all. Www.patreon.com ryougarbage. You go over there, get all that bonus content, gang.

[Kevin Ryan]

Love that money. And gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest back with us again today. We're gonna put him through the ringer. Legendary stand up comedian. We love him. You love him. He's got a brand new set out right now. Live from Old Forester, the bourbon set. It's all About Bourbon on YouTube. Give it up for Mr. Jim Gaffigan.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Thank you. Look at you so much.

[H. Foley]

A legend.

[Jim Gaffigan]

It feels like at least three people were cl. But thanks for having me back. You guys are kidding me. Love it. You know, I have memories, ingrained memories of the questions. And I will say that, like, I am now such a leave the butter out guy, really, like when people put it in the fridge. I get annoyed because baby doesn't want to have to push it down.

[H. Foley]

Baby likes it soft.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Baby likes his butter soft. So it gets right to the melting.

[H. Foley]

Uh huh.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Anyway, that's an important.

[Kevin Ryan]

As a kid, was your peanut butter in the fridge or was it out? Do you remember?

[Jim Gaffigan]

I think it was. I think it was out. It was not in the fridge.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, my mom had it in the.

[H. Foley]

Fridge, which is crazy, crazy talk.

[Kevin Ryan]

And I would assume that when you were a kid, your mom had the butter on the counter. She didn't. It was in the fridge.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I don't even remember. I think it was in the fridge. Cause I think there was a lot of flies, you know what I mean? Okay, so there was just, you know, there was cigarettes, smoke and flies that like, we don't have to deal with now. But I, but selfishly, I like the butter out. Of course, it's like salted, right?

[Kevin Ryan]

You're assaulted.

[H. Foley]

It's got to be salted to keep out.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Come on. Yeah, right.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, that would be a logical thing that you don't. Well, you know what I mean? That's very, that's a very in thing for, you know, people that do well to have the nice butter dish out on the counter.

[Jim Gaffigan]

There's, there's certain things that I felt like, well, you know, like there's different. Like there's a certain belief. This is going to sound sexist. I think, like, you need food in the house to keep a guy happy. Sure. I know that sounds kind of like, well, why don't you get your own food? Because, you know, it's like, I'm just saying, like, all a guy needs is respect and food. That's all he needs.

[H. Foley]

Amen.

[Kevin Ryan]

Anyway, Jeannie runs the show. Your wife runs the show down there.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yeah, no, I mean, believe me, I'm totally a pussy. But the equation is very.

[H. Foley]

No, it's, it's like three. You need three. I'm, I totally get.

[Kevin Ryan]

But I mean, she handles everything.

[Jim Gaffigan]

She handles everything sharp, you know, and it's. But you know what I mean, we're comedians in a way. Us even being in a relationship is wrong.

[Kevin Ryan]

Dude, you ain't lying, brother.

[H. Foley]

I, my wife asked, I went and just got food for myself the other day. And my wife, I came home and she goes, what are you doing? I go, I got a sandwich. She's like, it's dinner time. I go, yeah, that's why I got a sandwich. You didn't even run it by me.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Now, now there's just this constant negotiation. But we're not from this planet.

[H. Foley]

I concur.

[Jim Gaffigan]

And, you know, it's like narcissism or whatever. Whatever you want to call it.

[H. Foley]

It's a bad mess.

[Jim Gaffigan]

You knew we were dicks.

[Kevin Ryan]

Narcissism, aliens. Yeah, no kidding.

[H. Foley]

Well, I got with my wife before the show took off, so I'm like you. It could be significantly worse if I never got successful.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like, you feel like we had the butter on the counter.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yes.

[H. Foley]

Lucky we got sandwich money.

[Kevin Ryan]

Could have the unsalted stuff you got to keep in the freezer.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Men are dumb. We're dumb.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[Jim Gaffigan]

We're really kind of dumb creatures. And I think, like, the weird thing is, like, when I'm on the road, my wife's like, what do you do all day? I'm like, I'm by myself and it is heaven. It's like I'm. I really, you know, I have too many kids. But I have a lot of moments where I'm like. Like when you hear about someone trapped on an island by themselves, I'm like, that sounds amazing. That sounds.

[Kevin Ryan]

You get to the coconuts.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yeah, I don't really. I just want to be alone.

[H. Foley]

I was thinking about you yesterday. I had a kid five months ago. We were in a one bedroom apartment. We just. We just moved in the same building to a two bedroom, and there's still not enough space. And I literally went. I went, how to help and do this with 15 kids.

[Kevin Ryan]

That was always the crazy thing about you when you. When the kid. When you. All the kids were born. But you were in like a two bedroom apartment.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yes.

[Kevin Ryan]

And you were doing very well.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Well, some of it is as, you know, like, that step up from a one bedroom to a bedroom to two bedrooms is pretty significant. And then if you have five kids, like, and then if you're crazy, and then if you're touring, like, how do you navigate this? And my wife was constantly pregnant, so, like, she.

[H. Foley]

She's limited. And what can.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yeah, she's in nesting mode. She doesn't want to, like, move.

[H. Foley]

Move while you're. While you're in Toledo. You're like, babe, badly. You know, put the stuff in boxes.

[Jim Gaffigan]

So. But, yeah, I don't know. And then, of course, like, you know, our great grandparents were living in a shoebox, so. Yeah, we're spoiled babies.

[H. Foley]

No, of course.

[Kevin Ryan]

I wanted to ask you. So you're bringing up the household and stuff like that. Just out of curiosity, I know your wife, you know, she does probably the order and all that kind of stuff and gets everything. Will you pop in. Let's say it's a Sunday. Will you yourself run to the market, run through a Whole Foods, grab a couple of things? Yeah. Do you enjoy that or dig it?

[Jim Gaffigan]

I mean, I. You know, some of it is. There is these food delivery services.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[Jim Gaffigan]

And so you're like, sounds like a.

[H. Foley]

Guy who just heard about it. There's these food delivery.

[Jim Gaffigan]

But some of it is like. I also think it is like you're playing. There's somebody delivering.

[H. Foley]

Watch with this. Seamless.

[Jim Gaffigan]

But there is. There is. You're paying a surcharge for someone to deliver an unripe avocado.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Oh, man.

[Kevin Ryan]

They don't look at all.

[Jim Gaffigan]

And. Or, you know, like you have a certain type of ham you want, and they are. They don't give a shit. I mean. Well, also, they're, like, struggling to get by. They're probably an air traffic controller. You know what I mean? And so all freaked out. That's why I will go. But like, some of it is also. My. My wife is very precise. She's also very conscious of not wanting to waste food. So, you know, it's like, well, we're going out of town, so I'm not gonna. We're gonna only eat leftovers. And I'm like, you know, these. We have like, you know, at home now. I have two teenage boys. I'm like, they're eating constant. It'll go like, when you're a teenager, you're like, dinner than a meal than something before I go to bed. It's like, there's always things to be consumed. So I'm airing on more, having too much food surplus. And she's much more practical anyway. But food is important.

[Kevin Ryan]

Since you brought it up.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

What is the ham that Jim Gaffigan likes?

[Jim Gaffigan]

I like it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Your birth head.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I like. Well, I'm less concerned about the brand.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I don't like that means he's a Whole Foods man. I don't like. No, I don't like honey.

[H. Foley]

Really?

[Jim Gaffigan]

I don't like maple. An aristocrat I don't like. I feel like maple is kind of like, first of all, maple syrup is sugar spit. Sure. Let's be serious.

[Kevin Ryan]

You like the real stuff, though, right?

[Jim Gaffigan]

I mean, it's all right. But like. And I love performing in Canada and Vermont.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[Jim Gaffigan]

When you get there, they give you a jug of syrup that you're gonna use for the rest of your life. And it's like. And I understand some people love a maple bacon or, you know, I don't. I don't like, sweet. Switched in with my savory.

[H. Foley]

I'm right there with you.

[Kevin Ryan]

So regular ham up the middle.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Regular ham. I don't like the sweet shit. I'm so get it at it. I like thin.

[Kevin Ryan]

I slice gentlemen.

[Jim Gaffigan]

You know, it's like, I don't like, you know, Will you take the piece?

[Kevin Ryan]

He slices it.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yes. I like it. I like it. I like it very thin sliced. It can be prepackaged. I'm not, you know, I mean, I'd love it if it was from a deli, but like, you know, from the deli counter. Just sliced it right in front of me. But I.

[H. Foley]

You're talking the stuff that comes in, like the Tupperware prepackage. That's a tough look.

[Kevin Ryan]

The Hillshire farm. I'm with you, though. I dig it. It's got a little slime on it.

[H. Foley]

But it comes out.

[Jim Gaffigan]

It's got, you know. Yeah, it's from 1991, but, like, it's fine. It's fine. It's in a Tupperware container. You got to save those, of course. And then. And then inside, there's a little plastic bag in there. But the. With the ham in those containers, you can look in the fridge and go, oh, we got ham. And then you open it up, it's only one piece.

[H. Foley]

They fold it in there like, it's like origami once.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I mean, these are the struggles that we encounter, man.

[H. Foley]

If there's anybody built for the show, it's a guy with an opinion on Tupperware ham.

[Kevin Ryan]

Is there anything at the house that is just dads, like. Like, you know, I'm just example, like double stuffed Oreos or something like that. Like, hey, don't touch your dad's root beer. That was always a big thing with us.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Well, I'm kind of talking about in my standup, how that's the thing how kids, my clothes are supposedly open season now.

[Kevin Ryan]

Really?

[Jim Gaffigan]

They just take my clothes, even though I've said no.

[Kevin Ryan]

But the boys are wearing your size.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yes. Big.

[Kevin Ryan]

They get big.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Wow.

[Jim Gaffigan]

And then. But I would say, you know, I have. I've gotten into bourbon and they. Cause I have. My five kids are 13 to 21. Wow. And so, you know, you're young. You've got a young kid. It's like, there is a point, and we remember this as teenagers where you're like, like, all right, I'm going to just. I'm not going to take the whole bottle. I'm going to take some of it. So I love bourbon, and so I will Strategically place certain bottles. So like, I have a 19 year old son and if he's hanging out with his buddies, I'm like, don't drink this stuff. You can have this stuff. And he's like, I never would, but of course he does. You know what I mean? So there's you strategically place things kind of like if something's gonna be taken.

[H. Foley]

You can take the cheap stuff.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Jim Gaffigan]

You can take this.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jim Gaffigan]

You know what I mean? Sure. But yeah, so like my bourbon. They don't touch my bourbon. But they probably do.

[H. Foley]

But they might taste like ice cake.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Children are criminals. Of course you're living with criminals. Like, I think that we are unaware of. Of how much we tortured our parents until we have teenagers.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, Yeah. I think about it now, even it's been so. And I'm like, oh my God, what I've done to like, as I'm having a kid, I have a kid. I'm looking like, I love you so much. This is crazy. Like, the fact that I was ever my, like looking at my parents like, I hate you.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Like, yes.

[H. Foley]

Is crazy. And I is crazy that he's gonna go at some point, go, I hate you.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I. You know what I've debated. There is this narrative which he will hate me. This narrative of like, I would never say F you to my father and like. Cause my dad was so scary. But like dealing with my teenagers, I'm like, of course, I probably did.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Do you know what I mean? I know there's this romantic notion of like, I never swore in front of my mama. You know what I mean? I never looked my daddy in the eyes. But the reality is teenagers are a handful. And I'm saying even the best ones at times are a problem.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't know, I get a feeling Jim's going through it these days.

[H. Foley]

He's got a five between 13 and 21.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Athletically, where are you guys at comparatively? Do you think you could still take the 21 year old? If Push came to shop.

[H. Foley]

You're a big guy.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Division one football. My 21 year old is taller than me.

[Kevin Ryan]

What?

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yeah. He's six two. Probably. I'm six and a half an inch. My 15 year, my daughter's, you know, I think I could take that.

[Kevin Ryan]

She's 4.

[Jim Gaffigan]

My 14 year old is getting close to 6. Are you kidding me, dude? It's just. And then Jim Gavin and I literally, because, you know, he passes out, so I have to pick him up and kind of walk him to the bed and it's like the Same.

[H. Foley]

It's like you're carrying your brother out.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yeah, it's literally, I might as well be in the military. Like, hey, I gotta get my fellow soldier to bed.

[H. Foley]

Someone get Gaffigan to bed.

[Jim Gaffigan]

And, you know, the thing is, these kids are always growing, so, like, when they crash in your bed, you climb into bed, and again, we forget this. It's like they're just growing. So it's literally a pool of sweat.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Like, it's like he didn't pee or anything. He just sweated for no reason. Because he's in the middle.

[H. Foley]

The cells are splitting.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes.

[Jim Gaffigan]

So anyways, parenting's great.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right, so we're gonna put you back through the ringer a little bit.

[H. Foley]

Yes. One of the. One of the common. You know, one of the more. More common questions we've been asking guests since you've been here is growing up. Who is the most famous person you have met as a kid? As a child before, and maybe. Or a teenager.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Like, I wonder if I answered this.

[H. Foley]

But, like, I don't remember.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Jimmy Walker.

[H. Foley]

Whoa.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I met Jimmy Walker from Good Times. That's a great one. I had a dynamite hat. And, you know, we kind of looked similar, so people probably thought, is that.

[H. Foley]

Jimmy Gaffigan or Jimmy Walker?

[Jim Gaffigan]

I stood in line. No, it was kind of a bucket hat.

[H. Foley]

Oh, sure, sure, sure.

[Jim Gaffigan]

What he would wear on Good Times. And I stood in line and I met him. And I think there's a photograph of it too, somewhere. I was a goofy looking. I mean, I'm a goofy looking adult. You know what I mean? But I remember I had Jimmie Walker hat. And then I would wear. See, I'm older than you guys. I had Mork and Mindy. I used to wear the suspenders. No way of Mork. And I wasn't gay because they were rainbows. That was before Rainbow was gay. It was just more kind of like clown.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wacky. Didn't he have a white face, Finger on it to point it that way? He had some kind of button on it or something.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I think there was. That was such a moment. But he was the funniest guy. Yeah. Mork and Mindy was just an amazing show.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Unbelievable. Happy endorsement.

[H. Foley]

He did have a pin. Yeah.

[Jim Gaffigan]

The age of the typical garbage listener.

[Kevin Ryan]

Listener.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

All over the spec. So I'm 49. Yeah, he's 39. Nine. Yeah. And then one is 30s.

[H. Foley]

Everybody but mid-20s to mid. Four to 40s. Into the 40s. Yeah.

[Jim Gaffigan]

And when you do live events, like when you. Can you sit there and Go, oh, this guy's coming to our show.

[H. Foley]

If you're like, if you're, like at the restaurant two blocks away and like, someone kind of looks at you, you're like, that guy's for sure. Yeah, yeah, he's gonna be in the front row.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I was, I. I went to, I did shows in Indy, and I was invited to the Colts game because I'd done stuff with the Colts. And so I went with. And it reminded me the last time I went to a Colts game, because the Colts, Indianapolis, it's similar to actually growing up in northwest Indiana. And I don't know if Notre Dame games are like this, but the entire stadium is white people, and all the players are black. Yeah. So, like, I remember when I went to a Colts game with my manager and my agent, and my, my agent was like, this stadium is exactly Jim Gaffigan's Democrats. It was all kind of 30, 40, 50 white guys, married, maybe, you know, you know, maybe a grandmother and a grandfather mixed in there. I don't what brought that up, but it was just like, it's, you know, it's like, I'm right. That's all right. Who I am. That's who I am.

[H. Foley]

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[Jim Gaffigan]

That.

[H. Foley]

Speaking of that you're at a game. Do you have a. You know, you got. You're Jim Gaffigan. You got. Guys. Do you have a ticket guy that you go through or do you go through the agents and manor or do you have like I. Someone at live somebody. Are you going on and buying tickets to.

[Kevin Ryan]

If you want to go to a Nick game tonight, what are you doing?

[Jim Gaffigan]

I've. You know, because. And you guys have probably done some MSG venues, right?

[H. Foley]

No, no.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Once you do an MSG venue like the Beacon or Radio City, then you kind of. You can go to A Nick game or a Ranger game.

[H. Foley]

They want it for promotion.

[Jim Gaffigan]

They want it for promotion. So if you're at a Rangers game or a Knick game, they can put you on the Jumbotron and say like, I'm gonna be at the Beacon. So they're more open to it. So it's kind of a cross promotion. They also own the Chicago theater now. I'm like, for MSG Entertainment. But so there is that arrangement there. They also do Garden of Laughter event. So there is some. But yeah, no, it's, it's amazing.

[Kevin Ryan]

Let's say you're out in la, you want to go to a Lakers game. Who are you, Are you going, Are you going on a buy ticket to yourself?

[Jim Gaffigan]

I would reach out to my manager and see if he knows, Let them facilitate you work. Your manager? Because my manager, his company, I think, you know, they're owned by another company that owns a sports management thing.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, let's say nine out of ten times. That's going your way, right? Ten out of ten times.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yeah, but I, you know, you're not in the nosebleeds. I'm not in the nosebleeds, but I think that one Easter weekend I brought my daughter and all her friends to a Mets game and I bought the tickets.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Okay. And so it's like, I have paid, but I'm also like, I didn't like it. I'm also lazy. You know what I mean? And some of it is even, you know, my 14 year old loves the Knicks so much. And like when they lost to the Pacers and I'm from Indiana, when they lost to the papers, he was like depressed for a good week. And I was like, oh my God, he's got the sports fan addiction. Right. But when I would go, you know, you could sit there and get two tickets. Cause also they, they kind of get some promotion out of it. I don't know. It's an amazing deal.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's great.

[Jim Gaffigan]

It's an amazing, like being famous. Yeah, yeah, it's great. But you guys got that.

[H. Foley]

Not really. We can go. No, we'll ask. We got, we got good representation.

[Kevin Ryan]

We'll go to a Coney Island Cyclone game.

[H. Foley]

Three hearts.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Well, you know, I mean, you got this thing, I mean, maybe an Eagles game, right?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[H. Foley]

We got, we got connections through from Philadelphia, so we got that.

[Kevin Ryan]

But like, his cousin sells peanuts.

[H. Foley]

So does my grandma. We'll ask for like, hey, can you get me tickets to this? And I think it goes like. They go, hey, we got Jim Gaffigan asking and Ayg, we lose. We lose the competition.

[Jim Gaffigan]

You know, I tried to get into a playoffs thing, a playoffs game with my son, and they're like, no, no kidding? Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Really?

[Jim Gaffigan]

Then there's the other side. Like, I'm from outside Chicago, and I was invited to a Cubs game, a Cubs World Series game, and I could not. First of all, I lived in New York, but I was like, I can't take those tickets from someone who has been this loyal Cubs fan for the.

[Kevin Ryan]

Last look at that.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I mean, so I do have some principles where it was like, I can't do that. Particularly. This is the. You know, their. And they're like, we could. We'd be. Cause I think I had thrown out a first pitch and I was like, I can't take a ticket from.

[Kevin Ryan]

Ah, that's awesome.

[Jim Gaffigan]

You know, I'm a great guy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Steady. Hired a helicopter and just circled around, hovered the whole time, throwing hundreds down at people. I wanted to ask you, I assume now the refrigerator is in the wall at the house, right?

[H. Foley]

It looks like a cabinet.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yes. Yes, it is. It is.

[Kevin Ryan]

But back in the day, was there cereal on top of the refrigerator? Were there boxes of cereal over on top of the refrigerator?

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yes, and there was. There was also. It's so interesting, it's so sad how cereal is now considered this great poison. And it was kind of this.

[H. Foley]

It was part of a balanced breakfast as far as I was going.

[Jim Gaffigan]

It was also a form of independence. Right. Like, my kids are old enough. There was very much like, hey, let's put out a box of cereal. And you can even put out a box of milk if you're going to bed at like 2am and a kid can come out and kind of do it. And now, as a parent, you're not supposed to do that because cereal is garbage. Nothing personal.

[Kevin Ryan]

What, do you still partake, though?

[Jim Gaffigan]

Cereal? It's been a while.

[H. Foley]

Really?

[Jim Gaffigan]

It's been a while. It's been a while. I mean, I did that. That movie Unfrosted.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, yeah.

[Jim Gaffigan]

So. But, you know, there's certain give and take. Like, you know, it's not like my favorite poison. You know, Like, I'd rather. Again, I'm more of a savory guy. I'd rather eat a huge block of cheddar cheese than have a bowl of cereal.

[H. Foley]

I didn't know what he was gonna say. I wasn't thinking. Block of cheddar cheese.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Black cock. No. What?

[Kevin Ryan]

I literally did that this weekend.

[H. Foley]

What?

[Kevin Ryan]

The cheese.

[H. Foley]

The cheese.

[Kevin Ryan]

The cheese.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Is that what his name Was.

[H. Foley]

That's my boy. Cheese.

[Kevin Ryan]

He was a tender lover, I'll have.

[H. Foley]

You know, while we're on food a little bit. How do you like getting your steak cooked? You go out.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I'm medium rare, but I. I'm much more of a medium guy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Jim Gaffigan]

And my dad would burn. My dad. I might. I don't know if I talked about this last time. My dad was the. You know, his parents, like, he was born in, like, 36 or something like that. So, like, he was very. They were very sensitive. So, like, when my mom died, my dad retired. He ate steak every day the rest of his life, really. And it was because it was this luxury item, right? And I think it was far more accessible. Like, I didn't realize this, but, like, people used to eat liver because there wasn't enough steak to go around. And so. But, like, he would. He would. He was a big grill guy, not good at it. And he would go out there and smoke cigarettes. So there would be ashes on your steak sometimes flavor, baby. And also they would always be overcooked. I grill. I'm not good at it. So he's kind of passed that tradition on. But I would say that I prefer medium rare. But I'm also at the point where I can only have. Like, I was invited the night before I filmed a special to go to a steakhouse, and I was like, I can't do it.

[H. Foley]

Takes it out of you.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I. I can't. It's like.

[H. Foley]

It's like you get a hangover.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Baby can't recover.

[H. Foley]

Baby likes his meat from a steak.

[Jim Gaffigan]

And so. But yeah, no, I like, what are you guys. You guys medium rare?

[Kevin Ryan]

Of course.

[H. Foley]

I'm a medium man. I go medium.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Medium rare is. Is. That's the acceptable thing, right? Yeah. Anything but rare is, like, then you're. You know, that's too much for me. Yeah, that's like real men do, right?

[H. Foley]

Yeah, well, we do.

[Kevin Ryan]

To build a butcher area.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yeah, it looks like that.

[H. Foley]

You do the poor. You go to. You do the porterhouse. It was. It's been told to us. You go, there's four people. You do the porterhouse for four. Medium rare. Parts of that will be medium. Outside of that, well, you know, will be a little more done. That's where I live. They live in the middle. Split the size.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I love a steakhouse.

[H. Foley]

What do you like in New York? Do you have a. Do you have a. One of your favorite haunts?

[Jim Gaffigan]

I. You know, I never really get to go out to. To dinner when I'm home. You know, But I do love Smith and Wolinsky's. I love. And I. Gentlemen. I. I had, you know, the. The whole ritual, the experience, you know, like the. The waiters, how they're kind of gruff.

[H. Foley]

The career waiters.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I love. Show you the chunk of meat. You can get this. This. We also make a potato.

[H. Foley]

There's these sorts of, you know, he.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Was also a lobster.

[Kevin Ryan]

And you're like, as a fat guy. What I appreciate about a corporate steakhouse and about certain hotels.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

The chairs are bigger.

[H. Foley]

It's comfortable.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's cozy.

[H. Foley]

It's not one of, like, the Lower east side small restaurants bumping into tables.

[Jim Gaffigan]

What is your guys. I'm interested.

[H. Foley]

We're a Gallagher's family.

[Kevin Ryan]

Gallagher's. Gallagher.

[H. Foley]

Gallagher.

[Kevin Ryan]

I love Smith and Lewinsky's.

[H. Foley]

Great.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Is there.

[Kevin Ryan]

I like Lugers.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I was in. I was in Atlantic City, and I went to Old Homestead. Is Old Homestead still?

[H. Foley]

Yeah, it's on, like, 14th street or whatever.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I feel like that might be the one of the oldest ones.

[H. Foley]

I've never been, which we've never been.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Jim Gaffigan]

And you've gone out to Brooklyn to the Lugers.

[H. Foley]

I've never done Lugers.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm a Lugers man.

[Jim Gaffigan]

It's interesting. I think what I remember, I've been there twice. I think Lugers, they kind of. They cook their steaks a different way. Like, it's a little bit more well done, very butter based. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Jim Gaffigan]

But I love Ruth Chris. I love butter. You know, I love the sizzling plate.

[Kevin Ryan]

Of course.

[H. Foley]

Give me a little razzle dazzle. We're in show business.

[Kevin Ryan]

You know what I mean? Of course.

[H. Foley]

What's the one in Indy? St. Elmo or St. Elmo?

[Kevin Ryan]

Shrimp cocktail.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Shrimp cocktail.

[Kevin Ryan]

Got home run.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Love the. But you know, I feel like I. I, you know, that's my big thing is when I go out of town and I do a show, I want to go to a steakhouse afterwards. Steakhouse or a whiskey bar. Now. I like going to a whiskey bar and stuff that. I love the whole the whiskey culture thing. I feel like you guys are young. You're gonna get there. If you're not there, it's a nice thing to nerd out on. It's less expensive than an affair. You can nerd out a little bit, and you can, you know, you have, like, two of them and you're done. The thing is, you have a bunch of beers, you feel too full.

[H. Foley]

Had dinner last night.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Right. I'm your whiskey mentor.

[H. Foley]

Sure. The problem with me is, like, the stopping it too I haven't fully developed that yet, so it's like I drink them like they're beer. Two. I do two Manhattan. Nothing's better. Two's not enough. And three's too many is where I live.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yeah, I totally get it. I totally get it. But there is. There comes a point where, like, the beer, kind of like you've swallowed a loaf of bread. For me, that's how I like Guinness. But, like, that's how Guinness has always been. And then it just switched to like, that was the thing. And then. No, but the whiskey bath, it's. I. I strongly recommend. I encourage alcohol, I believe.

[Kevin Ryan]

So we stay light with the beer. Garage beer. A beer that tastes like beer. Garage beer.

[Jim Gaffigan]

And is garage beer good?

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Awesome.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's just like.

[H. Foley]

It's like a middle of the. It's like a. They call it beer flavored beer is like.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Is like their.

[H. Foley]

Their bit, but it's like. It's just like.

[Kevin Ryan]

You want one?

[Jim Gaffigan]

No. No. Is it. Is it. Is it kind of like a Bud Light? Or is it close? Does it have more character? Like a Yingling?

[Kevin Ryan]

More character.

[H. Foley]

More character than a Bud Light, but it's still like a light beer. I love it.

[Jim Gaffigan]

You know, and I say that because.

[H. Foley]

You know, I know because I'm pandering.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Pandering to you, Pa. That's how you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Get to be go bird. He starts going, go birds, Punches you in the face. Something that we've been discussing that's been going back around is, I know now your time is very strict and valuable and stuff like that, but was there a time when you'd be flying out to do shows for the weekend? Would you go to the airport in the morning and have breakfast at the airport before you flew out? And how do you feel about that?

[Jim Gaffigan]

That's the airport. First of all, it's so sad how the airport is just. They just. You know, sometimes you're in an airport and you'll see a restaurant that you like, and it breaks my heart. I'm like, oh, you've ruined it.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Jim Gaffigan]

And it's. It's like. I know it's hard to execute it, and I know that, like, generally the people that work at the airport are like, maybe a half a day from suicide. And I can appreciate.

[H. Foley]

Imagine going through security every time you gotta go to work. Brutal. I'd be upset too.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Brutal. It'd be just a brutal existence. But, like, I will consistently make the mistake of having breakfast because I also, when I go out of town, if I. If I'm flying Somewhere. Even if I'm taking Amtrak, I'll do it in the morning. Because I don't want to. I don't want to risk the possibility of that anxiety of get out early. It was delayed two hours or it's like, I like to get in, go to the hotel, set down, and then I can kind of like breathe for a second.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[Jim Gaffigan]

But the question. The breakfast, you know, safe. You could do a bagel. Some. The worst bagel I've ever had was in o'.

[H. Foley]

Hare.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Just so bad, like, you know, like. And I'm not a bagel snob. I don't know bagels. But I'm just like, this is like. I felt like I should report it to someone.

[Kevin Ryan]

Called tsa.

[Jim Gaffigan]

There's just something about the airport. Like, the drinks, like a cold drink, a non cold drink. Like at the airport, they're like, you know what? We're gonna make it lukewarm. You know what I mean?

[H. Foley]

We don't wanna be showing off.

[Jim Gaffigan]

It's just. And if you're aware of, like. But, you know, I would say in Austin, I think you can get a decent. There's some airports with a good restaurant in it. Yeah, decent. But, like, generally, even if you think of like a good chain steak place, it's not gonna be the same experience.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're talking to two, you're talking. You're talking to three very big fans of the Palm at jfk. Yeah, that's what we do. We get there early. You do.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Is it that good?

[H. Foley]

No, no, we're just garbage and we just like, hanging out. We like going in. We like a nice breakfast out.

[Jim Gaffigan]

All right, so let me talk about. So if you're going to the Palm, do you get the steak and eggs, then?

[H. Foley]

Some people do.

[Kevin Ryan]

I have.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[H. Foley]

That's a heavy breakfast.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Maybe I. Maybe I'm being unfair.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, you're not.

[H. Foley]

No, you're, you're, you're right.

[Jim Gaffigan]

There's just like, just. It's just like. How hard is it? Well, like, when you get a delivery from one of these.

[H. Foley]

Order these food ordering.

[Jim Gaffigan]

No, when you get like, here, let me. Back in my day, let me, let me, let me come clean about this.

[H. Foley]

All right? I love the.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I don't like, first of all, I don't like room service because I think that, like, it sits around and then, you know, it's not even that you have to pay 25% for someone to take an elevator. It's, what do you care? But, like, it's just, it's not. I want it from the kitchen in front of me. And so, like, I also don't like to get. I don't like to use those delivery services, but occasionally you have to, right? So I live downtown. I ordered from Blue Ribbon Chicken, which is good. Which is pricey, right?

[H. Foley]

Yeah, never been.

[Jim Gaffigan]

And. And ordered at 5:05. It's delivered to my place at 6:40. Okay, that's, you know, so it's not the. It's not the Uber Eats guy or the whatever, the doordash guy's fault, you know, and of course, it's built in. You got to tip 25%. My God. And so then you are Andy Rooney. And so then you sit there, and so then you get the food, the orders. Always messed up.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Always messed up. And so here's the thing.

[H. Foley]

So now I gotta call.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I've got all these. I've got all these teenagers, right? So everyone gets their stuff. And then I'm like. And then I order for the second meal, right? You know, and I got like some, you know, a chicken breast for like $80 each. And I go. And I go. So there's. So they're not. It's not in there. So then I call Blue Ribbon.

[Kevin Ryan]

You call Blue Ribbon?

[Jim Gaffigan]

I call Blue Ribbon.

[Kevin Ryan]

Did you say, I'm Jim Gaffigan?

[H. Foley]

He goes, please hold for Jim Gaffigan.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I go, hey, they know it's you. No, they don't. And I go, hey, we ordered in our order. There was supposed to be three chicken breasts, fried chicken, and they didn't come. Now I know the person on the other end is earning 850 an hour and was like, I don't give a shit. You know what I mean? But like, I was like, what are we doing? She goes, oh, well, you ordered that from doordash. You gotta call doordash.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's probably gonna send you up a wall.

[Jim Gaffigan]

And so then I'm like. I'm like, it's not. Again, it's nothing. It's not gonna be solved. It's not about the money. It's just like the print. I mean, so I've done it with like, Shake Shack. Go. I've gone there. And they staple the bag so you can't even check.

[H. Foley]

I want to see my accident.

[Jim Gaffigan]

And some of it is. Again, God bless these people that are making 650, 1050 an hour. But, like, it's not hard. Do I sound like a prick?

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't sound funny.

[H. Foley]

I get it.

[Jim Gaffigan]

It's like, what? You know, everyone makes mistakes, but, like, every single time Every single time.

[H. Foley]

Well, it's these apps have added this volume of work for them that's like imagine being in the weeds when you had to go wait in line to get to order the burgers. And now it's like there's instead of one person ordering at the counter, there's 15 orders coming in every 10 seconds. And they're like guy, you're lucky. You're lucky you got half of your.

[Jim Gaffigan]

And then, and then you know like it's like you know some McDonald's, it's just drive thru like they, they might as well not even have a seating thing.

[H. Foley]

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[Kevin Ryan]

What else you still bang? Are you still banging on Mickey D's? You still. You still.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yeah, I'll go. I go double quarter pound of a cheese when I treat myself.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Jim Gaffigan]

You know what I mean? And the prize, they're legendary, right?

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't know what they've done over the last couple of months, but they've really got the McDonald's by me. They've really gotten their shit together.

[H. Foley]

Really.

[Kevin Ryan]

Fries are unbelievable.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Let's talk. Let's talk some important talk.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Please, let's talk about fast food.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Jim Gaffigan]

And I'm gonna. Maybe, I mean, I might alienate people. I've been on this planet trying to destroy my body for a long time. Okay? Well documented eating fast food. Right? And we all know that fast food, they should just get rid of the S. It's. It's fat food, right? And so I know that my pecking order is Shake Shack is the best. Then it goes. Then, then when we go to the.

[H. Foley]

Big chain to qualify that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

As fast.

[Kevin Ryan]

By the way, the Danny Meyer restaurant.

[Jim Gaffigan]

By the way, breakfast. Have you had the Shake Shack breakfast sandwich?

[H. Foley]

What the heck is even that?

[Jim Gaffigan]

It's a sausage egg set. It's. It's insane. Anyway, do yourself a favor. Get that. So let me. So like, let's go down our pecking.

[Kevin Ryan]

Let's do it. Okay, that's good.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Then you go. Then for me it's Wendy's. But if it's a regional thing, if, if I'm kind of like in St. Louis or, or you know, like if I'm in Milwaukee or Michigan, I'll get culver's. That'll go above. Okay, then it goes Wendy's. Okay, then McDonald's safety. But, like, also, you know that, like, there's a lot of chemicals that they make in a plant in New Jersey that they sell on the thing every couple years. This is. You know, this is. I make this mistake. Some of it I don't want to identify. There's a comedian I'm friends with who opens for me sometimes, and he refuses to eat at McDonald's, because I think he did a corporate. And McDonald's screwed him over. And so when we're together and we're going to the airport, and I'll be like, I'll get you lunch or dinner or something like that, he goes, I can't eat McDonald's. You can get it. And I'm like, I'm not gonna get McDonald's and not get you some.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, that's crazy.

[Jim Gaffigan]

So. But here's what happens.

[Kevin Ryan]

He shouldn't put you in that position.

[Jim Gaffigan]

So what. What happens is the most inconsistent fast food place is Burger king. It's just 100%. And so we were in a college market. I don't know where it was, but, like, meaning high volume, you know, these are college students eating this poison, right? And I was like, all right, it's worth the gamble. This food was not edible.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Jim Gaffigan]

And I'm not being a snob. Like, I've.

[H. Foley]

I love how you're like, I'm not being a snob about my chicken tenders from fucking Burger King.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like, the Burger King Shake Shack is fast food.

[H. Foley]

I know.

[Kevin Ryan]

I went there for Thanksgiving last year.

[Jim Gaffigan]

No, but, like, even the Burger King commercials, I'm like, what is going on?

[Kevin Ryan]

And they've lost it.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Like, the wheels are off.

[H. Foley]

They're off.

[Kevin Ryan]

But we have a theory here, okay? We have a belief that America is at its best and culture is at its best. When Burger King and Pepsi are, in.

[H. Foley]

Fact, when they're clicking. When they're clicking, Burger King's in full stride. Well, everything's right.

[Jim Gaffigan]

You know, Burger buddies.

[Kevin Ryan]

You remember burger buddies.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Well, you know, it's. So some of that is, you know, that. That. So Coke and Pepsi have this rivalry. And. And so, like, what happened is Coke would make it. So you can't. Every fast food place would have to have Coke. And so what Pepsi encountered is, like, we have to buy a fast food chain so that we can put Pepsi in there.

[H. Foley]

Kfc. Right?

[Jim Gaffigan]

So that's why they bought KFC and Taco Bell, which I respect it. You know, that's that's how you say.

[H. Foley]

Greatest moves in the right. Have the brain to think like.

[Jim Gaffigan]

But whoever is running Burger King right.

[H. Foley]

Now, it's not the King. It's bad.

[Kevin Ryan]

Is they need a rebrand stat.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I think it's. I think it's probably. It makes you realize, oh, this is hard. Of course, you go into a Burger King and you're like, oh, this is hard to be, you know, to have a franchise to like, like, I don't know, the new products. Some of them are like, we have like, what do they have? Like, sticks that are fingers or whatever?

[H. Foley]

Chicken fries.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I mean, are they good?

[H. Foley]

Sticks that are fingers is.

[Kevin Ryan]

See, that's his generation. They love it. Listen.

[H. Foley]

I don't love it when they. Listen. When they hit, they were great. The breading on them was like something you would not get at a shake show. Not at a. They were like this limited time thing and they were great. And then they pivoted to a full time.

[Jim Gaffigan]

And it just knows that you make ribbit and then you go, yeah, no, you're 100%.

[Kevin Ryan]

I want to say this. Here's the sad thing about Burger King.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

The breakfast is the. Is one of the best.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Croissants.

[Kevin Ryan]

Bacon, egg and cheese on a croissant. The eggs are fluffy, the cheese is good. I'm telling you, the hash browns are awesome.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I genuinely think I'm a pretty incompetent person. If Burger King ever reached out to me, I could turn their business around. I could do it. I swear to God.

[H. Foley]

I think it's.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I think it's really hard because the consistency that McDonald's has achieved is. It's hard to pull that off.

[H. Foley]

Dude, they're doing that thing where, like, to become a supplier for them, you have to, like to become a catch up supplier for them or to like, whatever. You have to go through like 50 blind taste tests and pass. And like, each batch has to pass. If it's off a little bit, they go, you're not there yet. Come back in three years.

[Jim Gaffigan]

You bring up a very important topic, which is ketchup.

[Kevin Ryan]

I love this because this is the show.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Let me tell you something. It's just Heinz, all right? It is just Heinz. It's like, it's. There are certain things that are a monopoly. That should be a monopoly for sure. It's like, look, we don't have more than one army. We just have one army because it makes sense. It works. Heinz is the ketchup. You can mix it up with mustard. Go ahead, Hunts. My brother married a woman that eats, hunts.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do you guys still talk to them?

[Jim Gaffigan]

No, of course not. No. But it is. There's certain things. It has to be Heinz ketchup. It's like when you go out to dinner and a restaurant's like, we make our own ketchup. I'm like, don't. Yeah, don't make your own ketchup.

[H. Foley]

Well, why don't you make an employee run to the corner and get me some Heinz ketchup?

[Jim Gaffigan]

Do you know what I'm saying?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, it's crazy.

[Jim Gaffigan]

It's crazy. I don't even. Like, I.

[Kevin Ryan]

You know, we put cardamom in it. What the hell? You're putting sweaters in it. Get out of here.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I also think that. I think it's weird that ketchup. When you're at home, the ketchup's cold. It should be room temperature.

[Kevin Ryan]

It should be.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Do you know what I mean? These are important issues.

[Kevin Ryan]

And you know who did that? Great. Was Wendy's. They had the pump out on the counter. It was great.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Perfect.

[Kevin Ryan]

It made the fries so much better.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Perfect.

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, just. Just out of curiosity around the subject, you said mustard. Who would be the. You'd give goldens if you do spicy?

[Jim Gaffigan]

I would.

[Kevin Ryan]

Or Frenches. Frenches.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yum. I would probably go Frenches. Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right.

[Jim Gaffigan]

And then just to round it out.

[Kevin Ryan]

We might have asked you Mayonnaise.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Mayonnaise. Well, I'd go helmet.

[Kevin Ryan]

Good, man.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I mean, you know, Miracle Whip. Look, you know what? There's a lot of garbage watching right now. And if you like Miracle Whip, it just means you like sugar, right? Cause that's just very sweet. I also. I love. But I love garlic and I love, you know, salt. I'm not a huge spice guy. Meaning a spicy hot thing.

[H. Foley]

Really? Irish guy. Midwest. That didn't cross. What? Holy shit, gang.

[Kevin Ryan]

This Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.

[Jim Gaffigan]

This may surprise you, but I'm not a big vindaloo eater.

[Kevin Ryan]

This dentin is burning my mouth.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Me and Tim Walls don't eat spicy pie.

[Kevin Ryan]

Can I. Can I really quick just let you in on something? I don't know if you guys have come across it at the Gaffigan household. Hellman's, I love Miracle Whip is trash. You know what's hot? You know what's really good? Okay.

[H. Foley]

Here.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I know what you're gonna say. Dukes.

[Kevin Ryan]

Nah, that's the same thing.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Dukes is true.

[Kevin Ryan]

Dukes is all right.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Duke's is Mike's.

[Kevin Ryan]

Mike's amazing. I am telling you, it is unbelievable.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Really.

[H. Foley]

Jason Alexander's pushing ass, dude.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's so good. Really likes amazing mayo. Give it a shot.

[Jim Gaffigan]

By the way, if you don't like.

[Kevin Ryan]

It, I'll take it off your hands.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I would say, you know what? Get me some dukes is. Dukes is quality.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's great.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Duke's is quality.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, Duke's is great. Mike's is up there.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Here's the thing about the southeast. They, you know. A biscuit. All right. I feel like the biscuit is really underappreciated. I'm not talking the English cookie biscuit. I'm talking.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're talking about English muffins. You don't like an English muffin?

[Jim Gaffigan]

I. No, no.

[H. Foley]

Their biscuit is like they.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, come on. That's a cookie.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yeah, it's a cookie, but I'm talking about like a biscuit that you would.

[Kevin Ryan]

Get with sausage and gravy.

[H. Foley]

I remember the first time I had.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Why is that not everywhere? Not only is this.

[H. Foley]

I'd be. I'd be in pretty bad shape if that was everywhere.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Not only do they have the biscuit. Cornbread. I mean, home run. It's like cornbread and the biscuit. I feel like it. Let's go down our breads. I think it's like cornbread biscuit. I think that beats the croissant. The croissant is too much of a mess.

[H. Foley]

I hate the croissant. It stinks.

[Jim Gaffigan]

You might as well just rub it on yourself.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's my bread.

[Jim Gaffigan]

That's your thing.

[H. Foley]

It's too buttery. It doesn't hold up.

[Kevin Ryan]

I respect what you're both saying.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I like in English my often. But you're fancy. You like. You know, like the. The.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, he loves the croissant from Bogo.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I. I do love real fancy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hey, bonjour, madame.

[H. Foley]

Do you sweating right now?

[Jim Gaffigan]

So then they have. Sometimes they have the chocolate croissant, which just has like a chocolate turd in its eyes. What are you talking.

[H. Foley]

I'll push back on a. Straighten this guy out.

[Kevin Ryan]

What do you not.

[Jim Gaffigan]

It's like croissant. Only guy I like. I. Well. And then sometimes they'll just stick an almond.

[H. Foley]

What are you doing?

[Jim Gaffigan]

What's going on?

[H. Foley]

Is this an arts and craft project?

[Kevin Ryan]

Zip it.

[H. Foley]

Get me a bagel. It's New York City.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I'm trying to think. All right, let's go down real quick.

[Kevin Ryan]

The English muffin. The only problem with that. I love English muffins.

[H. Foley]

Fine.

[Kevin Ryan]

You can only make them at the house. They're never good anywhere else. No, never.

[Jim Gaffigan]

It's like. By the way, that's another Thing when you go and you buy a bagel and you say, I want it toasted. And they warm it. You're like, do I gotta go back there?

[H. Foley]

You want me straighten this, buddy. You want me coming around the counter?

[Jim Gaffigan]

I didn't ask for it to be.

[H. Foley]

Warmed to go back on your. Your thing about the airport. The worst bagel you ever had. LaGuardia. I landed. I was rushing to get somewhere else. I go, I gotta get a car. I just gotta get. I grabbed a bagel and I went to the stand. I go, can I get a sesame bagel with cream cheese? And he goes, yeah, and handed me. He handed me a little tub of cream cheese. And I went. And he goes, oh, no, you grabbed the bagel yourself. I go, can you toast it? He goes, no. I go, you're just selling a loose bagel and one dollop of cream cheese. I just paid you 9.99 for that.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yeah, crazy. Oh, here, I got a. This is an important bagel story. So last week.

[H. Foley]

Only you could say that.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I mean, there's. First of all, we should probably talk about our bagel, okay? Mine is an everything bagel, scooped and toasted. I don't know if I go the scooped.

[Kevin Ryan]

You know, go scooped.

[H. Foley]

He's not European.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Here's the thing. Here's the thing. He's a slim guy. Look at him. Like, the great sins of a bagel are when you. Some people say you're not supposed to even toast.

[H. Foley]

I don't toast the good ones. I don't toast.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Okay, And I can appreciate that. But, like, if it's gonna be toasted, it should be toasted when you order a bagel. I can't even believe this. And this is like. It's so sad because, like, you don't realize till you're gone. I mean, this is America, right? I ordered a cheese everything bagel with cream cheese. I got it. The guy spread the cream cheese like it was, I don't know, mustard. Like it was indiscernible that there was cream cheese on it. And I bit into it. And I was five steps away from the store. There's nothing I could do.

[H. Foley]

I'm just the guy on the street.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I couldn't go back and. And appropriately yell at him. I had to eat this dry ass. Like, I think when you get cream cheese, there should be too much cream cheese.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's a list that's a New York way.

[H. Foley]

Ish. Come here.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Nice Shit. There should be. I mean, it's a sin. It's a sin to serve A dry ass bagel. Like, what's going on?

[Kevin Ryan]

But is that it? So you're an everything bagel with cream cheese.

[Jim Gaffigan]

You don't have to bagel with cream cheese. When I work in. When I was in college, I worked in a, like a little kitchenette thing where we would steal all our food. And what I would do is I would do a toasted. I haven't done this in a long time. Toasted cinnamon raisin with cream cheese and bacon.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable.

[Jim Gaffigan]

It's unbelievable.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's unbelievable.

[H. Foley]

My wife got onto the cream cheese and she was like, can you get, can you have them put bacon on it? And I like, I feel weird asking that I'd never seen. And I did it. I mean it's.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's salty and sweet.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Pretty glorious.

[H. Foley]

And I'm done enough.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I normally don't. As I said before, I don't normally mix in the sweet. But when I take over this country, the first thing I'm going to do. Uh huh. All the maple syrup, it's gone. It's gone. We're going to dump it in the Gulf of Mexico.

[Kevin Ryan]

What are you doing when it's. If you have pancakes, I put butter on it.

[Jim Gaffigan]

There's sweetness in the batter. Or a little powdered sugar. A little powdered sugar. Because I'm from the 1800s. No, that my dad.

[Kevin Ryan]

Little cornstarch.

[Jim Gaffigan]

But some of it is like, I'll.

[Kevin Ryan]

Give you, I'll give you this.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I got you 100% syrup is. And I love Vermont and I love Canadians and I appreciate.

[H. Foley]

I feel like after this episode they're not going to love you that much.

[Jim Gaffigan]

The spit from the tree. I get it. All that you know and. But if you're a parent, the syrup thing is a mess. It's a mess. It ends up on chairs. It ends up. It's not like tacos where it's. That's all right. Hey, there's some stuff everywhere. Syrup is like glue. I don't know. But I think it's also it. It just has the consistency of someone who has the flu. Sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's napalm without the gas. Basically.

[H. Foley]

While we're on food, Pizza Hut or Domino's. Obviously you're not, but if you lean one way.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Well, you know, let me also say this.

[H. Foley]

I'm spinning out.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Let me, let me be real here. All right. There is the pizza that you enjoy and then there's the pizza.

[H. Foley]

Functional.

[Jim Gaffigan]

That's functional. Right? And so obviously you would love to get. I mean there's a Prince street pizza. I don't know if you've had it.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Pretty damn good. I like Detroit pizza. I love Chicago deep dish. You know, it's. But, like, Domino's serves a purpose. Uh huh. And if you're eating McDonald's, you should feel no shame in eating Domino's.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Do you know what I mean? There's nothing wrong with it. I would say I prefer the thin crust at Domino's because I'm fancy.

[Kevin Ryan]

The money's changed you, Mr. Gaffigan. Paying pizza.

[Jim Gaffigan]

The thin crust is. Then you can kind of use it as an appetizer.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Right.

[H. Foley]

I like it.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's almost an amuse.

[H. Foley]

Boo.

[Jim Gaffigan]

But I don't like. I don't like. Get. Keep your sweetness. I hate that away from my pizza. You're not a hot honey guy on the pizza? No. Hot honey?

[Kevin Ryan]

No.

[Jim Gaffigan]

That's. That's even worse than maple syrup.

[Kevin Ryan]

I knew that I was gonna get him. Is Prince street your pizza downtown?

[Jim Gaffigan]

You know, I. Now I.

[Kevin Ryan]

You know, if the Gaffigans are getting pizza on a Friday night.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yeah, we would. I would probably order from the Prince street. And it would be like $50.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. One pie in New York is like. It's like $40.

[Jim Gaffigan]

But there was. Now I can't even.

[Kevin Ryan]

We gotta tell you, though, we got one for you. We got one for you.

[Jim Gaffigan]

There's a good one. I mean, it's a Spring Street.

[Kevin Ryan]

Spring Street, Yeah. Yes, yes. Greenpoint, Brooklyn. Chrissy's Pizza.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I got. I'm not going to Brooklyn.

[H. Foley]

When was the last time you were in Brooklyn?

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, it's unbelievable.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I love Brooklyn.

[H. Foley]

Sure. When you live in Manhattan, you don't go my way.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Here I was literally on the phone with Kevin for, like, four times to go 10 blocks.

[H. Foley]

I know.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yeah. It's like I. You know, but then again, that's where I'm lazy. Like, my wife's from Wisconsin, and we normally go back for Christmas, and sometimes the packers will. You know, obviously they keep adding games, but, like, there would be maybe a really important game, and some people would be going up to Lambeau, to Green Bay to watch, and I'm like, I'm.

[H. Foley]

Not going the traffic alone.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I'm not. It's the traffic. But it's also. I don't care if Jesus is going to appear there. I'm not going to Upper Wisconsin in January.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Not happening.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Like, it's like, call me a coward. I don't. Why would I do that? My alcoholism hasn't reached that point yet.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. When's the last time you were in Queens?

[Jim Gaffigan]

Queens.

[H. Foley]

They fly out of Queens.

[Kevin Ryan]

You fly out of Queens?

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yeah, I fly out of Queens.

[Kevin Ryan]

The Bronx.

[Jim Gaffigan]

The Bronx. Well, you know, I grew up there.

[H. Foley]

I started in Bob.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I don't know. It's been a while, but. No, I drive through the Bronx.

[H. Foley]

What are you, a Newark guy? Newark Airport at all? Because you can scoot across from downtown.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yeah, Newark is probably the easiest. Also, Newark is easier than LaGuardia. Sure, these upgrades have helped a lot.

[H. Foley]

Yes.

[Jim Gaffigan]

You know, Newark used to be one of the more depressing places.

[H. Foley]

It was real bad.

[Kevin Ryan]

I think it still is.

[H. Foley]

No, Newark stinks. It's not.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm a LaGuardian man.

[H. Foley]

But you're traveling from Queens. You're. By the time you get to Newark, you're upset to begin with. I get that.

[Jim Gaffigan]

But by the way, I mean, I don't even think. I mean, I was complaining about the traffic. You realize we are ending. We're entering a season where we're not gonna be able to get anywhere. Like, so when you have to fly out for a gig, we're doing a toy, you're gonna have to add an hour. I mean, forget about the air traffic controllers and your plane might go down. Forget about that. I mean, there is a little bit of, like, hope it's not my, you know, my, you know, because now the.

[Kevin Ryan]

Government wheels are falling off.

[Jim Gaffigan]

That there's literally. I mean, I obviously don't want that to happen, but, like, people are so selfish and lazy. They're like, well, I guess, oh, plane went down. All right, now we have to make it right. I mean, this. Poor air traffic controllers. It's a pretty damn important job to not pay them.

[H. Foley]

I'm right there with you.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Supposedly they get him some dominoes or something.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Mr. Jim Gaffigan. I mean, the good news is still 100% garbage. Trash.

[Jim Gaffigan]

You know, it's trash. I mean, now you have to. Everyone has to go watch the Bourbon set.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, watch the Bourbon set.

[Kevin Ryan]

Of course. Live from the Old Forester, the Bourbon set.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yes.

[Kevin Ryan]

All about Bourbon.

[Jim Gaffigan]

All about Bourbon. And, you know, you may be curious, why would I do that? Well, no one asked for it. And as you, you know, we're all comedians. It's all self assignment. And I'm sure you guys struggle with finding a balance between the success of this and working on your standup. It's a struggle. And so some of it is. I went to YouTube because it is such a niche thing. I didn't even bother presenting it to Hulu or Netflix or Amazon. Because it was. The reality is, hopefully, it appeals to everyone, but it is me talking about bourbon. You know what I mean? So there's some people that are like, I don't drink. I haven't drank for 20 years. I'm not gonna tempt myself. And then there's some people that are like, you got any tequila jokes? No, it's just bourbon.

[H. Foley]

I'm a tequila man.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Here's the thing, and I say this with all sincerity. I was lucky enough to host at Eastville when you could come in and do spots in New York. Come to go when he do spouse. There's not really a topic that you can't make relatable. And you're a legendary comedian.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

You know that. I meant, do you remember when you. I can't remember what you were working or getting ready for, but you did about 20 minutes on horses.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Oh, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do you remember that?

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

And, dude, it was. It's the best. Live from the Old Forester, the bourbon set. On YouTube. The legendary, the incomparable, the garbage.

[Jim Gaffigan]

The garbage.

[Kevin Ryan]

Mr. Jim Gaffigan.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Thanks so much.

[Kevin Ryan]

We love you, buddy. Thank you so much for coming in. Live from the Old Forester, the Bourbon Set. Make sure you check it out on YouTube. Kippy, what do you got for him?

[H. Foley]

Philly. We're going to be at the Met in Philly. Our biggest show to date.

[Jim Gaffigan]

That's huge.

[H. Foley]

That's huge.

[Jim Gaffigan]

And by the way, that's a beautiful theater.

[H. Foley]

Beautiful.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Beautiful.

[H. Foley]

Super excited. Get your tickets. It's always Philly. Homecoming shows are always fantastic. We'll see you there, Jim.

[Kevin Ryan]

We love you, sir. Thank you so much, gang. We love you. We'll see you next week.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Peace. Thanks.

[H. Foley]

Experience the sequel everyone's been waiting for with Sideline 2 intercepted. Join Drayton and Dallas as they navigate the challenges of college life while trying to stay true to themselves and each other. Catch all the drama and watch Sideline 2 Intercepted, starring Noah Beck and Sienna Agudong for free on Tubi this Thanksgiving.