Joey Diaz: Crazy Suburban Dad!

Summary

Are You Garbage? — Joey Diaz: Crazy Suburban Dad! July 20, 2026 | Hosts: H. Foley & Kevin Ryan | Guest: Joey Diaz

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Episode Overview

In this raucous, no-holds-barred episode, comedy legend Joey “Uncle Joey” Diaz returns to the RU Garbage couch for a full debrief on Jersey suburbia, wild parenting, street scams, and classic old-school grit. Foley and Ryan grill Joey on all things "garbage," from car troubles and softball parenting to credit card scams, sleep apnea, and life philosophies. The episode is a hysterical, insight-packed ride through Diaz’s evolving world—now more suburban dad than Hollywood animal, but as unfiltered and mischievous as ever.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Joey Diaz—the Suburban Softball Dad (01:09 - 18:47)

• Weekend Mayhem: Joey recounts his jam-packed suburban schedule—daughter’s travel softball, car disasters, concerts, weddings, and loaner Lexuses. ("We left the house at 6:30 in the morning... Got home at 7. I'm not a young buck anymore." — Joey, 03:10)
• Softball Commitment: His daughter’s intensity: practices, games, and playing two years up on a 15-year-old team at age 13.
• Sidelining It:
  • Joey brings his own fancy chair (gifted by Bert Kreischer), custom snacks, and edibles to games.
  • “I don't want her to hear me say nothing... I shut my fuckin' mouth.” (17:11) — Joey on being a silent, non-cheerleading dad.
• Hotel Shenanigans: Tournament travel includes weed store visits, hotel stays with other parents, and avoiding suspicious local snack bars.
• Small-Town Social Life: Befriends a 10-year-old neighborhood gambler and other local kids through "casino nights."

2. Coping with Aging, Surgery, and Parenthood (06:24 - 07:44, 24:08 - 25:45)

• Knee Replacement Saga: Surgery setbacks mean chronic pain and a renewed dislike of dealing with doctors. (“After like seven weeks, my knee backfired. Like, that's my fuckin' luck.” — 06:24)
• Reflecting on Fatherhood: Softball tournaments have become Joey’s new meditation—he’s grateful for the chance to watch his daughter thrive. ("There's no other place I'd rather be... you just look at the fruits of your labor." — 25:12)

3. Old-School Business and Podcast Booking (08:17 - 10:56)

• DIY Networking: Joey hates working through agents and prefers direct, streetwise communication. ("This ain't Covid no more. I'm not doing a zoom." — 09:29)
• Authenticity: Rants about comics relying on assistants and agents to book themselves podcasts.

4. Parent Politics & Suburban Culture Clash (14:16 - 18:47)

• Not Fitting In: Joey details his “low profile” in the burbs, bonding more with neighborhood kids over cards than with the softball parents.
• Edible Mishaps: Tells the story of dosing a fellow parent, resulting in hallucinations involving a deceased pet. ("He kept seeing his dog. And the dog died three years earlier." — 16:36)

5. Street Smarts & Scams: Reminiscences of a Felon (32:12 - 57:46)

• Relationship With Law: Diaz’s checkered past as a felon, mostly positive relationships with police: “It's not their fault I became a fuckin' knucklehead.” (32:28)
• The Credit Card Game: Detailed stories about running scams in the 1980s—stolen cards, buying and fencing goods, partnering with store clerks for better hauls.
• Counterfeit Cash 101: Joey outlines his system for pushing fake bills and always cutting others in on the action. (“Give them half of it. If I come to a stripper and I go, I got a fake hundred, give me fifty. And you keep fifty. Watch that bitch roll.” — 47:26)
• Perspective on Technology & Scamming Today: Musings on how everything is tracked and scamming is riskier—but the hustle never dies.

6. Philosophy of Crime & Cosmic Karma (58:05 - 60:04)

• Paying the 'Vig': Joey believes the universe keeps score—bad luck or a broken windshield is just paying your due for prior misdeeds.
  • "Every once in a while, you gotta pay a vig for everything you did in life...you did something. The universe is always watching, whether you're doing something good or something bad." (58:13, 59:42)
• Stealing for Sport: A proud Jersey heritage of larceny; detailed moves from self-checkout and shoplifting to tactical album heists.

7. Family Life, Modern Tech, and Suburban Joys (27:43 - 31:49)

• Concerts and Teenage Freedom: Joey delights in taking his daughter and her friends to rock shows, buying treats, and watching them enjoy Jersey youth.
• Gaming as Recovery: Post-surgery, Joey gets into GTA with friends across the country (“I got three 10 milligrams in me...500 milligram edible...and I’ve been smoking dope since Dracula went home.” — 31:32)
• Balancing the Suburban and Criminal Mindsets: Simultaneously embracing local Dairy Queen trips and keeping that edge.

8. Life Advice and Philosophy: Karma and Kindness (66:09 - 67:47)

• Tipping and Generosity: Joey’s restaurant tip trick—drop the full meal value as tip when someone else buys; spread good karma.
• Human Obligation: "Your job is to make everybody's day one time...your job is to make somebody laugh one time, a homeless guy, you give him a five instead of a one." — 66:18

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On suburbia: “I live in a place where there's deer, you see fuckin' foxes attacking little birds and shit. So I'm down there like Batman. You know how he lived in the weeds?” (14:19)
• On shoplifting: “I love stealing. I mean, it’s one of my favorite things in the world. It’s like blowjobs, stealing, you know what I’m saying?” (53:22)
• On karma: “You gotta pay a big every once in a while. Gotta pay it big for the universe. The universe is always watching.” (59:42)
• On sentimental parenting: “While I'm lookin’ at my daughter, I’m thinking of shit. How lucky am I to have a daughter? How lucky am I to be here?” (24:24)
• On new-age sleep apnea hacks: “Just go get the machine, you idiot.” (61:37)
• On modern life: “If I figured something out, I wouldn’t be here with you guys. I’d be in India gettin’ my ass eaten with a snake eating a hot dog.” (68:41)

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Timestamps & Highlighted Segments

• Joey narrates his wild suburban dad weekend — [01:09 - 04:34]
• Softball logistics & snack bar skepticism — [12:21 - 19:29]
• Crowd control at youth sports — [17:11 - 18:05]
• Neighborhood kids & gambling — [14:41 - 16:08]
• Being a silent, zen softball dad — [24:23 - 25:12]
• Legendary scam stories: fake bills & credit cards — [33:32 - 48:53]
• Philosophy of cosmic justice & paying the cosmic 'vig' — [58:05 - 60:04]
• Tipping, kindness, and the 'karma business' — [66:09 - 67:13]
• Snappy closing with classic Diaz logic — [68:41 - 69:48]

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Final Thoughts

Joey Diaz as “crazy suburban dad” is riotously funny, grounded, and deeply human, with a life’s worth of unbelievable stories and a surprisingly zen approach to family and karma. Beneath the wild tales of scam artistry is a guy who’s fiercely loyal, reflective, and gives generously—unless you’re the snack bar guy hawking suspicious hot dogs.

“Are You Garbage?” verdict: Unquestionably, gloriously, and unapologetically garbage—with a heart of gold.

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For a full dose of Joey’s madness, check out his podcast, The Church of What’s Happening Now, and catch him on the road or at an after-softball Dairy Queen.

Transcript

[A]

Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Ru Garbage. It's that little show, we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that after groups to be classy. Yeah, they're just a big old piece of trash.

[B]

Trash, trash, trash.

[A]

I'm your host, H. Foley. Coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in a new edition. I didn't write one. Mike Host is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of Ru Garbage. He's an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world. And we're growing, we're moving together and I love it. Kevin James Ryan, everybody.

[B]

What's up? Everybody shout out to you. As always, please make sure you rate view subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify. And the boys are climbing a frickin charts. Actually a bit of a standstill at the moment, but check it out. And then obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com. are you garbage? You go over there, we're in the top. I don't know, five or ten comedy podcasts over there on Patreon. Check it the frick out.

[A]

Oh yeah, gang, we could be more excited to have our incredibly. And I'm an incredibly special guest back with us again today, a man reborn. A man on a mission. A legend. You can hear him every week on his amazing podcast, the Church of what's happening now, give it up for the one, the only, Mr. Joey Diaz.

[C]

What's up, guys?

[A]

Uncle Joey made a trip over from Jersey.

[C]

Thank you for having me, man. Thank you. I missed you motherfuckers.

[B]

Thanks for coming back the last two

[C]

times I was supposed to be here. And listen, thank God you motherfuckers sent the car. And I'll tell you what, Sunday, my daughter's got no Saturday. I got a wedding to go to. I got a thousand things Saturday, not beside the three games she's got. Yeah, that starts at 8, 10 in the fourth.

[A]

What's the song? Is it just. Is it little League?

[C]

Like. No, it's girls softball. But it's like this fucking league. And these athletics are fucking crazy. This is crazy. This. She wanted it, she got it. Two practices a week, two strength and conditionings a week and six fucking games every weekend. 13 years old on a 15 year old team. Whoa, good, then she's a catcher. So that was that. So this weekend, Saturday, I'm excited. I'm coming to see you guys Tuesday 8, 10 in the morning, I got a couple edibles in me, I'm stoned to the gills. I got my sunglasses on. You know, all the parents are fucking running around. I'm just sitting there. And all of a sudden, the first game, they won, the second game, a girl hits a fucking foul ball. And I see it and there's my car. And all of a sudden, ba boom hits the windshield. And people like, whose car is that? I was so high. I didn't say nothing. I just.

[B]

I didn't Dr.

[C]

I didn't. I just sat there. And then the second game, I'm like, wait a second. I got shit to do. I gotta take my daughter to a concert Sunday night. I gotta come see you guys. I gotta go to Brooklyn Wednesday. I gotta get to it, gotta get moving. And you know the white people there call. Safe flight. Yeah, good.

[A]

Saint flight's a mystery to me.

[C]

Yeah, they show up like 22 hours later. So I called Lexus. They said, drop the car off. I had to drive all the way back home, that's an hour. Switch cars and drive back to the game. Sat there till 7 fucking 30. Got home, I couldn't even make it to the wedding.

[B]

What?

[C]

No.

[A]

You bailed on the wedding?

[C]

It was a reception.

[A]

Really nice.

[C]

It was a reception. It wasn't the wedding.

[B]

It was like a party.

[C]

It was the party. But listen, after we left the house at 6:30 in the morning, I'm out. You get home at 7. I'm not a fucking young buck anymore. And then I found some energy to stay up and bet Max Holloway like a motherfucker, laid and parlayed. The only bet I lost was decision. I bet him to knock him out, I bet him to win. I bet everything. I knew that was gonna be a fucking calamity. So I got no car. So they gave me a loaner. But it's a fucking monster of a Lexus.

[B]

Does it have like the big courtesy vehicle on the back? That's embarrassing.

[A]

Like you're in a golf tournament.

[C]

Number 40. You know I'm number 40 this week.

[B]

Alexis or Lawrence, let me tell you.

[C]

I gotta give a shout out to Lexus or Freehold. They're fucking tip top, Magoo. Listen. You know, you have all these cars all your life and you really don't enjoy them. They're just a vehicle. You get in it, you smoke, you fart, you fucking drip shit in it. I got this car cause I was a Subaru. For years. I lived in Boulder and I saw people with these badass cars get Stuck in the winter and all of a sudden some little lesbian with a Supra

[B]

all wheel drive 80 80.

[A]

And that guy with the 700,000 miles

[C]

on it, chains on it and the tires in as fuck. So I became a Subaru guy. But I never really enjoyed them towards the end. So I took a survey and I said, let me go get the Acura truck. Holy sh. The Lexus truck? Yeah, and I fucking love it.

[A]

What's a survey? What do you mean you took a survey?

[C]

I took a survey amongst my friends.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[C]

You ask different people. Like I want to listen.

[A]

Joey's knocking door to door in the neighborhood.

[C]

Yeah, I'm talking Cuban.

[A]

I want a Cadillac. I want to ask you about your car.

[C]

Okay, I'm Cuban. A Cadillac is in my future somewhere.

[B]

Yeah, shout out to it.

[C]

Cubans love Cadillacs. And I've been looking for a Cadillac for tenfold years. But it's to the point where even the service people pull me aside and go, joe, you don't want to do this.

[B]

You like the Cadillac sedan coupe or do you like the big tree?

[C]

You like the truck sedan coupe. But if it was up to me, I got an electric 225 from 1973, nine miles to the gallon. I dare you to walk out in front of me. I dare you to walk out. I dare you to. You can't even scratch that car. That's when cars. You couldn't. You could sit there for an hour with a key, nothing. So I found one, but it was too beat up. The leather interior about a year ago, and I'm still looking a nice electric 225. Fucking windows. Power windows. That's luxury. Nine miles to the gallon. Yeah, you ain't going. But when you step on that motherfucker, it's a mule. You're doing 450 in that thing, you know

[A]

what's your.

[B]

We came in hot today.

[A]

Oh, I love it.

[C]

I'm in the car with some Indian guys for an hour and a half. I haven't said a word. I'm staring out the window. I had to pull over at the stop to pee. I had to pee two times on the way. Dog, that. That early ride kills me.

[A]

They're good with that though. They like stop.

[C]

No, they stop.

[B]

The one time I got out and he followed me into the bathroom. We stood at the urinal next to each other and then walked back to the car. It's all too fucking. It's like we were on a road trip together. A little too familiar.

[A]

Dude. We were sending a Car. Anyway.

[B]

Well, I asked him, I said, do you want a car? He goes, nah, I'm good. And then like, very Joey. Yes. Ten minutes, maybe. Let me hold.

[C]

I would have had a drive to the ferry and then walk. And let me tell you something. The center for Uncle Joey this Thursday, always this Thursday is nine weeks from the surgery. And after like seven weeks, my knee backfired. Like, that's my fucking luck. So every time I go to get up, it feels like the bone's gonna collapse. So I went to the doctor Thursday again. He didn't take an X ray. Oh, there's nothing wrong with it.

[B]

That makes you nervous when they don't. They don't really look. They just go out. You're all right.

[C]

Yeah. That makes me think.

[A]

I want all the tests done. I don't want to hear what you think. Take a picture.

[C]

I would have never done this shit again, ever. I'm not ever doing it.

[A]

Did you get it? You didn't get a knee replaced, did you? That's what you did. Yeah, it's hurting.

[C]

Yeah. What? And I replaced the replacement.

[B]

See if Lexus can do that. I replaced courtesy knee dog.

[C]

I was supposed to come out here on a Tuesday. Monday afternoon, I go to Jiu Jitsu.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And it's a single leg. We're going over a single leg. And I actually dropped that knee to pick up the guy. Single. And I couldn't get back up after that. I couldn't even walk down the stairs after class. They had to carry me down there like one of those Indian chiefs when they carry them like Ali Baba. So fucking, they got me downstairs, I went home, the knee blew up. When I called you guys at seven in the morning, it was huge. I went to the hospital and they sent me home with no pain pills. I don't do nothing for a man.

[A]

You did something that I loved. That's something that I would do. You sent a picture. Oh, yeah.

[C]

Me in the hospital.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I don't want no fucking problem.

[B]

That's a career. Liar. Yes, that's a guy.

[C]

No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm the kind of guy, show up if you. This is how I was raised. When you go to school, you're sick, you don't feel good. Okay, go to school. If you puke at school, I'll pick you up. My mom did. It sucked. I'll pick you up. But you're going to fucking school. And if you don't go to fucking school, you better have a goddamn reason why not to go to fucking school.

[A]

They never believed me. I was sick, dog.

[C]

I went right from you that morning. Right to the fucking hospital. Right to the fucking hospital. Because I woke up and it was out to here.

[B]

I do. You conduct business. Very old school, too. We were on the road. I get a DM from him, yo, here, it's Joey. Here's my number. Hit me up. That's his random. I get out of shock, what the fuck's going on? I call you up. I go, hey, what's up? You know? I go, it's Kevin. I know who the fuck it is. I go, what's up? He goes, I got your number. My phone. I couldn't fucking find it.

[C]

Couldn't find it.

[B]

He goes, he checks in like, uncle Joe. What you guys doing? I go, we're in. We're in Cleveland. Go. Weekend, go. We out of ticket. Checks in. Cause I. Listen, what's the. What's the 14th looking like for you? Very old.

[C]

What do you want me to do?

[B]

No, it's just very 14.

[C]

Listen, I got a call from an agent yesterday. Hi, my client. No, last week. My client would love to come on your podcast. I love your client. Great guy. Okay, where is it? Monday night, six o', clock, Nice and easy, no fucking drama whatsoever. Weekend passes. He calls yesterday. Hey, my client, can he do a zoom? And I'm like, absolutely not, because this ain't Covid no more. I'm not doing a zoom.

[B]

They're the same shit.

[C]

He lives in fucking Long island or whatever. Ten minutes later, guy calls me back, he wants to make a phone call. Don't let him make a phone call. But he ain't calling me on the podcast. He can make all the phone calls.

[B]

Call his mother. I don't give a.

[A]

You know?

[C]

And it's like, just when it comes to a podcast, my agent shouldn't be fucking calling.

[B]

I agree.

[C]

Okay? I call you. I love the people that you go up to and go, hey, Kev, how you doing?

[B]

Good.

[C]

I'd like to come on the show tomorrow. And you're like, great, I'll call you tomorrow morning. All of a sudden, I get in the call. I'm getting a call from Ali. You know Ali? Hi. This is Matt's assistant or whatever. What the f. We were just smoking dope last night.

[B]

All of a sudden you.

[C]

Why has he got his assistant calling me?

[A]

Do the work yourself.

[B]

I couldn't.

[C]

Why the fuck is your assistant calling me?

[A]

My assistant?

[C]

I don't even have a fucking assistant. Yeah, but I wouldn't have him call you. I'm a man, I call yourself. So we live in a strange fucking world.

[B]

I will say all of the bigger, bigger comic guests we've gotten have reached out, have somehow gotten our number or dm like Bert, Tom, or everybody had been Schultze. Hey, can I come do the. Yeah.

[C]

What the fuck's about. I gotta have my age.

[B]

PR manager.

[C]

My clients available? Let's put them on. Let me talk to this break. I'll straighten them out. You ever have these guys? My client would love to be on your podcast. Okay. It's July 20th. What were you thinking, September 18th? Listen, go fuck your mother. It's Monday or nothing at all.

[A]

That's why I appreciate it.

[C]

I'm not waiting till September 18th for your fucking bum client. Talk about yourself. I like booking week to week. I don't know what I feel. Some fucking weeks. I look at a guy, I don't want nobody. I don't want to talk to nobody.

[A]

We're trying to work this out. A few months ago, there was. You couldn't do it the one day, and then this. And then we get the. We get the. The wristband from the hospital.

[C]

Old school. Yeah, old school. With the date and time, which. I mean, there's no misunderstanding.

[A]

I remember seeing that. Be like. I was like, oh, Joe, you don't have to send that.

[C]

Because during COVID people were sending old Covid tests.

[A]

What, are you kidding me?

[C]

I got Covid last night. And this picture on Top says June 18th of last year. And you're like, come on, guy, you didn't get Covid. Remember that? We show you the COVID test like I'm an adult. You don't have to show me a COVID test, but come over here and let me know you're dying. And then I'll take. I'll fill you up with a bag of goodies. I got something in the house that'll take care of you. I got edibles. Something will take care of that. Fucking.

[A]

I love to use that for doing. For getting out of stuff.

[B]

I'll still throw out Covid if, like, you know, if I want to get out of, like, a spa. I just got off the plane. I think I was exposed.

[A]

I didn't test positive, but my.

[B]

But.

[A]

But, you know, she did.

[C]

But listen, if you got exposed. Come down, come down. Unless it's herpes or the VD or something, or gonorrhea of the asshole, I'm in. I can live with that. A cold for one day.

[B]

Get it? Yeah, we're working, baby.

[A]

What is your setup at The.

[C]

The softballs.

[A]

Like, what, do you bring it. Do you bring a chair? Do you sit in the bleachers? Are you bringing something I got.

[C]

Because you get up, you need 15 chiropractors. So I bring a nice. Bert gave me a chair.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Bert sent me a chair.

[A]

All right.

[C]

That's the heart of Burt.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

He heard me talking when he sent me, like, this chair with, like, buttons, and my feet go up. You know, the whole chilling. I bring my own food. That's what I think.

[B]

Don't hit that snack bar. No.

[A]

So this is a day. I assume it's a traveling team. Sometimes. Sometimes local.

[C]

At one week, we had locals. Like, one week. Is it all a bunch local an hour? Yeah, everything is two hours now. And it's great for me because in between games, I go to that city's weed store. I make new friends. I mingle. I see what the weed is down there. I say hello. I take some pictures. Who the fuck knows? So in between games, Mike, the kids go sit under a tree and eat watermelon or something. Me, I got shit to do.

[B]

I fucking lifted, dog.

[C]

I go get weed. I go see what the town has to offer. Just like if I was on the road. For me, it's just like. And some towns are better than others. Sometimes you go to, like, a nice white town, they got dynamite weed. And then one week, we were in Atlantic City.

[B]

Oh, fuck, that DJ is bad.

[C]

You walk out of that fucking hotel and you walk on that Independence Avenue. There ain't no Independence.

[A]

The kids are playing softball down here.

[C]

Nah, we played, like, 30 minutes away.

[B]

Probably Egg Harbor Township.

[C]

Yeah, Egg Harbor Township. So we had to spend the night instead of driving an hour 40. We just got hotel rooms.

[A]

The teen gets hotel rooms or just you? You and your daughter?

[C]

Me, my daughter, a couple other parents. Okay, let's drive home. It was like six of us got hotel rooms we didn't want to fucking drive to. The games are at 8, 10, 8.

[A]

And they go all day, and they

[C]

got to be there at 7. So you're sitting there with your fat ass, you know, looking around at pigeons and shit, asking yourself, when is a fucking stone gonna fall in my head?

[A]

The thought of you doing the suburban dad stuff is fantastic.

[C]

I thought, listen, do you think I would? Look, I live in a place where there's deer, you see fucking foxes attacking little birds and shit. So I'm down there like Batman. You know how he lived in the weeds? He went in there and the fucking cave opened and shit. I'm like, Batman and during the week I have really no friends at all down there.

[B]

Low profile?

[C]

Yeah, kind of, sort of. But I have like two or three friends. They got like. My best friend's a 10 year old kid, he likes to gamble. So I go, what? He's 10. I go to his house and his parents. No, you don't. Yes, we do. And we have casino at his house. He's 10. He calls his buddies over.

[B]

And what do you play cards with?

[C]

Me, I scam him at blackjack. I go home with about 11 singles. Every time I go over there, kids are crying. I don't give a fuck.

[B]

You gotta learn as a real world dude.

[C]

His mom is my best friend and his dad is my best friend.

[A]

So you became friends with the neighbors, you ingratiated yourself in the neighborhood. But then, are you tight with the softball parents?

[C]

My daughter hangs out with their daughter, right? They're from Staten Island. They're beautiful Italian, Irish couple. I mean, I love them to death, the Murdos. And they got two kids. They got Nicole and then Joey. Joey's a fucking animal. He's just been an animal since the day they brought him up. And they know. They know I torment the fucking kids.

[B]

Cards from the bottom. Ah, blackjack.

[C]

I told him if he got all aces, I'd give him 500. I gave him 500. There you go.

[B]

There you go.

[C]

His pants. But then I won a hundred back. I raised the stakes, I suck them in. I'll let him win like $3 in a row. And I go, let's bet a five, Joey. And there he is playing three Kar

[B]

Monty and follow to Jack.

[A]

Holy shit. When you go to the. Does the missus go with you to the game too?

[C]

So yeah, it's a team.

[A]

And then the rest of some of the parents and stuff like that.

[C]

Some of the parents lay around. Nobody gets smoking dope. This season, like my first two, three seasons, the parents were all edible heads.

[A]

Huh?

[C]

One dad gave an edible, like 50 milligrams. He started puking.

[B]

You gotta love that. Do you love when someone can't handle an edible joke?

[C]

Dude, he's told me 10 times.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, I've done these before. I was a heroin junkie, okay? So I gave him a 50 milligram dog. They had to carry him to his car. He kept seeing his dog. And the dog died three years earlier.

[B]

Dude, sometimes we'll just sit around and we're on the road or in the car or whatever and we'll just look at you. Getting people really up. Specifically Lee and We'll just die. Oh my God, it's so funny.

[A]

When the game starts, you're dialed in.

[C]

Dialed in? Yeah.

[A]

Watch what nobody's doing. You know, what the kids are doing, all that stuff.

[C]

I'm not a cheerleader. I don't even cheer for my daughter. I don't want her to hear me fucking say nothing. So I shut my fucking.

[A]

That's what I wanted. My dad was the same.

[C]

I don't argue with reps, I don't yell at the umpire. I don't care what the count is. These fucking parents, all of a sudden they become baseball fucking umpires. That was safe. And then it's a 22 minute talk. Yeah, I could have sworn. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, that was 10 minutes ago. There's no instant replay. The game moves on. Let it go. Get a cocktail. Do something.

[B]

We got another game in an hour.

[C]

Bring me your wife. What the fuck is going on here? But they can't wait.

[A]

I got money on this game.

[C]

Yeah. 20 minutes. Oh, well, you know, I thought he was safe. The umpire called that last week at a league. Shut the fuck up. You know I'm not going in.

[A]

I knew this was going to be your take.

[C]

I go there just to sit and watch my child every 20 minutes. I get up, I go pee, I fucking take two hits off the joint. I eat an edible. We bring watermelon, we bring.

[B]

Fucking doing a sandwich out there. Hoagie or something. Stop and get a nice sandwich dog.

[C]

I'm too old to be.

[A]

Wait, how long are you there?

[C]

Hey, you're there from 8 in the morning and then there's a game at 10, 10 and then there's a break till about 2. Then there's another game at Just Watermelon. No, no, no, no. I bring. She brings like chicken. I'll eat like a breakfast at the house before I go. And I'm there because at night you're eating salami sandwiches all fuck, I don't want to eat salam. So I bring cherries. I bring good. You know, you know you gotta bring watermelon, you gotta bring waters. You know, I'll get a Yoo Hoo. There. There's always a you. There's always a you.

[A]

So you will hit the snack bar?

[C]

Yeah, yeah. If there's a, uh.

[A]

You do a hot dog?

[C]

Nah.

[A]

Okay. Because it slows you down.

[C]

I just don't. I got my place to eat hot dogs. You know what I'm saying? I don't trust these foreigners with hot dogs. What are you talking about? It's a snack bar still. It's a hot dog, you know, Listen. Living in LA and Carvel opened. Every fucking New Yorker was excited. We went down. It was like a Chinese couple. They never spoke English, didn't even know how to make a cone. They were over there making sushi and shit and fucking. Because it was an investment. It wasn't. Somebody who grew up with Carvel and said, this is what I want to do with my life. Let me open up Carvel. People were nice people. You went in there with chubby. They had diabetes.

[A]

They liked the product, but they're the next generation of Americans taking it on.

[C]

But it's like I went to some place in Burbank and what was that? Juice cut company. We were kids. Purple mango. Whatever the that is.

[B]

I don't know.

[C]

Purple mango. Oh, my God. You know when you see, like. And I'm not prejudiced or racist, but I'm just talking the truth. Somebody who doesn't eat meat is selling you a meat product. I never understood that.

[B]

You're not. I listen. I get that for the word.

[C]

For the. You know, I don't know.

[A]

They.

[C]

They kill themselves for some virgins, but then they fucking. If they eat meat, they die. But there they are selling halal hot dogs. Arabs don't eat hot dogs. Show me one picture of a guy with a turbine.

[B]

I haven't heard Arab in a minute.

[C]

Arabian. Whatever the. I know Arabian. Tell me. Show me one picture from Iran, and the guy's got, like, a sad bread hot dog about to be eaten to a mustard relish. You know that's never gonna happen. So why are you pushing on me in the streets of New York?

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

I gotta walk down the street with an ice agent. I don't even know what the fuck it is anymore,

[A]

Man. Suburbia will never be the same again.

[B]

Oh, God, my head hurts.

[C]

Holy shit. Too funny.

[A]

That sounds like a nice little Saturday.

[C]

And then I gotta do it again Sunday.

[A]

Kevin, talking about Fabletics.

[B]

Fabletics, yes, sir.

[A]

As you know, summertime is here. You want to look stylish, you want to look fresh. As you know, I'm down 2, 3 pounds, right? I want to look good. Rebuilding your entire wardrobe can get a little pricey. You know, you got to get this. You got to get church, you got to get hats, you got to get socks, you got to get underwear. You got to get the whole deal. That's why you go over to Fabletics.

[B]

Yes. When you sign up as a new VIP with Fabletics, you get 70, 80% off everything. That's what they're doing over there. 70 to 80% off. When you sign up as a new VIP with Fabletics, it makes easy to grab. You can grab multiple workout shirts, shorts, lounge pieces, everyday staples for the summer without overthinking it. They got everything complete. You can buy the pieces. You can buy it all together. Listen, they were nice enough to send us up a package of stuff. Buddy, I gotta tell you, I am in love with their joggers. They sent me a pair, tried them all. I'm not a big joggers guy.

[A]

I haven't seen the joggers over here.

[B]

I put a pair of jog. I put these on. I literally walked out. Nadine saw them. She said, those are great. I jumped on. I ordered like 15 pairs of them. Jones, you see, if you see me in an airport wandering around running errands, Kippy's in some joggies. That's what we're doing. If you shop [e-mail] garbage, you can get 70 to 80 off everything. When you sign up as a new VIP, you take the quick style quiz and be sure to select garbage when prompted to unlock this offer. This is a limited time offer, so don't wait. Again, that's fabletics.com garbage for 70 to 80% off everything as a new VIP. Do it.

[A]

God bless you. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.

[B]

Yes, gang.

[A]

They're removing the stigma of getting therapy. A lot of guff with that therapy. These old generations talking about me, trashing me in there. Listen, get rid of all that stuff. Don't let that stop you from going, getting help and going. Getting your.

[C]

Your brain in order.

[A]

You know what I mean? You got big problems, you got small problems. Go to therapy. Talk it out. You know, you're not gonna go to hell for it.

[B]

Yeah, we talk. I mean, you know, we talk about. My grandmother told me, we talk about our mental health journeys. Open and honest. A lot of comedians do. It's good therapy for us.

[A]

Ups and downs.

[B]

Better Help's 2026 State of the Stigma report surveyed 2,000Americans and revealed that 85% of Americans believe getting support is wise, yet 74% say society discourages people from doing so. We gotta close that gap in mental health support and people actually seeking it. And what we can do to fucking to get people the help they need. And BetterHelp is doing that. They have over 30,000 therapists as the world's largest online therapy platform and have served over 6 million people globally. Come on, they're doing the Lord's work out there. And me, and me and the big man have been very public about our journeys. We both use BetterHelp. We've both use it as a tool to just start the process. It's a good touchstone. A. I'll back off for a little while. I'm doing good. I go, you know what? I'm, I'm spinning my wheels again. I'm gonna get back in and I'm gonna get straightened out. Don't let the stigma stand in the way of support. Start therapy with BetterHelp. Sign up. Sign up and get 10% [e-mail] garbage. That's BetterHelp. H E L-P.com garbage.

[C]

Do it, do it. But again, the sun's out, you got your sunglasses on, you're chillin, you're chillin.

[A]

You don't get involved with the parent politics. Your wife.

[C]

It's like I tell my wife, there's some people that go fishing and they don't go fishing to catch a fish.

[B]

Fishing, not fishing.

[C]

To look at the fucking water and to hear dick all day and to just reflect. Whatever comes into your mind is beautiful. And that's what I do. When I get there, I don't talk to nobody. I just want to watch my daughter play and the other girls and see how they do. And while I'm looking at my daughter, I'm thinking of shit. I'm like, man, how lucky am I to have a daughter? How lucky am I to be here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd rather be in a hotel in Cleveland right now having three shows tonight. And, you know, the first season was kind of rough. If you know anything about me, I like to mix it up on the weekends and I'm sitting there with parents, you know, with shorts. It was very rough. And then one day it came to me. There's no other place I'd rather be. Like when I'm watching her, it's my little fucking meditation. That's what I use it for. You sit there, you don't have to talk to nobody. I don't have to write jokes. I don't have to be funny. I just fucking look at the fruits of your labor.

[A]

You were able to get to a place where you can give her these opportunities.

[C]

Yeah, you know, what are we talking about here? You know, the same fucking thing.

[A]

Watch her develop. She's focused on something. And this stuff is, you know, listen,

[C]

even if she has a bad game, she's learning something. She's learning how to cheer and do this and get a bloody nose and cat, you know, I mean, and that's. I didn't want to raise her in California for those reasons. I wanted to be a city fucking girl.

[B]

Like East Coast.

[C]

I wanted to be an east coast girl. And listen, Sunday night, took her to a fucking concert, a heavy metal concert. Asbury Park, Independence hall. To see this band crazier. She likes the kids. My daughter's 13. She's never gonna date a 13 year old. She's gonna date a 15 year old. Cause she's a little, you know, I gotta watch a Narcos and the Godfather since she's fucking eight. You know what I' talk to her about? She knows about everything. I'm not gonna hide anything from her. So I always told her. So all of a sudden she's like, these guys want me to come to the band. She had her little hot pants on, her little blouse.

[B]

Oh, she knows the guys.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Wait, this is a young band?

[C]

Yeah, they're like 15. They're great.

[A]

Craziers.

[C]

Crazier.

[A]

Crazier.

[C]

Yeah, and they play like Judas Priest. They 15 and they play Def Leppard's first album. When I heard that song the first time I went to see it, I go, I gotta pay attention to these little motherfuckers. They're onto something. Because there's no way kids that age would have known that Def Leppard song, wasted. It's on the first album. It's tremendous. None of them. And they knew that. They knew a couple fucking songs. Then they broke into some Ozzy Osbourne and Joey's in. They did Ozzy. And I had just shown my daughter one day without even knowing, watching tv. I go, you ever see the video for Hot the Teacher? And she's like, dad, I never even know what that song is. I put on Hop the Teacher.

[A]

I was talking to a guy in the barbershop.

[C]

Guess what they played one night. Hot the Teacher. My daughter turned to us like, I go, yeah, so you know, they were a little bad. They were young band, three of them, they make noise like ZZ Top.

[A]

What do they go to? Her school.

[C]

They go to like a school in Toms River. I guess it's a musical school. So a friend of my daughters had a crush on the drummer and took my daughter. And my wife called me. She goes, joey, your daughter's in the pit, jumping up and down, pushing boys and shit. I'm like, that's my daughter.

[B]

Fuck it, that's crazy.

[A]

So you took her down there this time with her and her friends?

[C]

Yeah, I've taken her twice to those shows. What do you want me to do? Tell her no, she can't hang out with me?

[A]

No.

[C]

What do you mean? By the time she's 18, sucking three cops at once. I can't have that. You know what I'm saying? So I take her out now and let her know it's okay I'm with her. I don't sit there and watch her either. Yeah, I sat for like 30 minutes and I went next door to a candy store. They had one of those old school candy stores with the cigars and shit, with the bubblegum cigars.

[B]

The pink and the blue ones.

[C]

The blue one, they don't blow smoke no more.

[B]

I know. They got rid of that.

[C]

They got rid of the smoke. The fucking gum tastes like ass. No flavor, you know? What the fuck are they doing to these kids? They took all the good things out of these kids.

[A]

Oh, my God, I fucking love this.

[B]

That's great.

[C]

How many times did you eat those cigars? And you bought them. You shit pink for a week. Little pink balls.

[B]

Cigarettes, the gum. Cigarettes, cigarettes, the cigars, that was cool to me.

[C]

The ones with the paper. And you ate the paper. You didn't give a fuck. You're from Jersey. I eat paper.

[A]

I remember the rumor came around that, like on Trident gum, you could eat the paper. Started doing that.

[C]

Yeah, I eat the paper. Chinese people eat the paper. Chinese people have candy. When I was a kid on 88th Street. Right on 88th street, we lived in a building, and one of my neighbors was Chinese. Little girl, five. I was five. And our father was an artist for Schultz. He would do all the Snoopy movies. Okay? So whenever a new Snoopy movie would come out, she would invite me and a couple other kids from the building to a house, to the theater, to watch it. I still remember her father giving us candies and saying, you could eat these, you know, with paper on them. And I'm like fucking throwing paper down like it's the Fourth of July when you're five.

[B]

You know by now you can eat paper.

[C]

Yeah, I'm eating paper. And I told the Chinese friend of mine, comic Becky Z, I told her about three months ago about this experience. And about a month ago, she brought me the candies to my house. Oh, my God, I ate the whole fucking bag.

[A]

Look at.

[C]

With the paper, without the paper. I was so high.

[A]

Let me ask you this. When you're taking your daughter and some of her friends somewhere, what's. What's that experience? Like, what's what's the Uncle Joey Diaz experience like?

[C]

I fuck with them a little bit, they're gonna fuck with me.

[A]

You take them to get something to eat.

[C]

I take them to, like, Rita's.

[B]

Shout out to Rita.

[C]

I take them to Carvel. I take.

[A]

Stopping away home, stopping away there, something like that.

[C]

And then after the games, they always want to do in a little after

[A]

party and the whole team goes to get a little pizza. Yeah, look at you.

[C]

Like, not even pizza, really, but something. Something like something to drink or something. Dairy Queen.

[A]

Yeah, they like the Starbucks. They like to. Yeah, but that's their. That's their slice of pizza. When you go after the Little League game.

[C]

Yeah, that's their thing.

[A]

Look at you. You're living a suburban fantasy out there.

[C]

But then again, I'm smoking pot with three hands or seven every morning.

[A]

That's what I'm saying.

[C]

I do my comedy, you know, I love it. And this is. This has worked out better than my life in la, you know.

[B]

That's great.

[C]

Like, this has worked out. I found the schedule I could work with, you know, I get to spend time with them. I get the podcast, I get the fucking. I've been playing gta. I never played that shit before in my fucking life. I ain't got time to play games. You know, we're always fucking taking hostages. So I'm not gonna sit in the house like an idiot and play games. But when I got the knee surgery, I go, a friend of mine, Carly Kim, shout out to talked me into it. She goes, you should try it. So one night I just started playing gta. So now we like Tuesdays and Fridays and maybe Saturday nights we just get. She's in Austin, my other buddy lives in Lyndhurst, New Jersey, and we just fucking play GTA for three hours. Smoking dope. Fucking. When I did the surgery, I'm playing on pain pills, I'm fucking crashing people. Like, why are you such a bad driver, bitch? I got three fucking 10 milligrams in me.

[A]

Got three.

[C]

A 500 milligram edible. And I've been smoking dope since fucking Dracula went home.

[A]

So you pop into your office, you got the game chair and all that stuff and you.

[C]

Nah, I got in the living room. I'm not that much of a.

[A]

You're at in the living room?

[C]

Yeah, I gotta fuck with my wife and my daughter. I gotta be upstairs now and hiding in their rooms. I'm down there yelling at people and

[A]

you're down in the living room sitting in your chair.

[C]

But now, she already read me the riot act. Joe, it's the family room. You can't be down here talking about Arabs at night with the headset on, yelling at people. With the headset on, yelling at people. So we're gonna get a set up for your office and shit away on Sunday just to make my office a little bit more spacious.

[B]

Nice. I gotta. I gotta quit.

[A]

Talk about living the dream.

[B]

I know every suburban Jersey suburban dad, dirtbag loves. And we. I mean, we have them as well. Do you have a PBA card that bought from a cop? What happens if you get pulled over?

[C]

I have so many fucking people.

[B]

I can imagine.

[A]

Jesus Christ.

[C]

I have so many PBA cards.

[A]

That's a great poker.

[B]

Pick a card, any card.

[C]

But every cop makes, knows, had heard me over the years. I'm a felon. But my relationship with cops has always been solid. It's not their fault I became a fucking knucklehead. It's not a policeman's fault or detectives fault. And in my 60, and in my 63 years of living, I only had one problem with a cop. And it was the arresting officer. When I turned myself in, in Boulder, he was just like a white boy scout, one of these guys. And I was just thinking about that, that he was bothering me. He would say shit to me when

[A]

he was transferring you or bringing you in. What do you mean?

[C]

No, no, no. I turned myself in. And then I went to county jail for like a month. And when I got out of there, I would bump into him at different situations. Cause he didn't buy my story. So he's like, we're gonna nail you on this. But I had fucked with him. What the fuck? I had fucked with him years earlier in 85, I was working on a footlocker and I found a bunch of stolen credit cards. Well, I stole the credit card. You don't find them in my pocket walking down the street.

[A]

Holy shit.

[C]

The blue bird of happiness just drops a fucking Chinese credit card on you. So I didn't know when I moved to Boulder from New York, I was so New York. And I had some cash, but I put it in the bank. And a buddy, man, we were doing credit cards here in 85, like a motherfucker. There's a guy up in Brooklyn that would give you a $500 MasterCard, a driver's license and an insurance card for your car for 500 bucks. So we running with that motherfucker. Every time we had a chance, we up there in fucking Brooklyn buying a new MasterCard with the sticker on it and everything. You had a call to get the code. This is how fucking good they were. And we would just go around buying. What do you need? Oh, I was looking to get speakers to play GTA. They're 400. I have them here at 2 o'.

[A]

Clock.

[C]

I want 200 cash. But that was your day. You just made 200. Where's the Quaaludes? Where's the bitches? And where's the half gram of Jibo?

[B]

Keep it moving.

[C]

So when I got the Boulder, I told my buddy, things are hard out here. It's wide open. Ain't nobody doing out here. I could live like a king out here. I could rob my. So he sent me an envelope of credit cards. So I didn't know I went to Boulder Mall. I was using them every day. Jewelry, Tony Montana suits. You should have seen, man. I had like this shitty apartment. Looked like in. In Coming to America. Coming to America. I had everything in there.

[B]

DVDs, 10 foot speakers.

[C]

Oh, my God. And I had a Chinese roommate, a

[B]

lot of Chinese guys.

[C]

He was Japanese. He was Japanese. So I called him Cato. He kept telling me, I need a job. I said, listen, I'll give you 20 a day. Go to Alfalfa's, get a pound of meat and make me Szechuan beef. And that was his job. I give him like 10 for the meat and 20 to cook it.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

I was 22 years old and I'm using these credit cards at this mall. I nearly sank them all. I was throwing credit cards away and going back there in the bush, getting them and using it. Still, nobody ever called this card in. So finally I got a call from Foot Locker. They go, you put an application in when you first moved here, like two months ago. I'm like, oh, shit, I'll take the job at Foot Locker. I get to the mall within, you know, one damn, man. Some people come in with their kids and shit. And the lady's got her purse with the deposit bag sticking out. And the people I help. And I saw. I took the deposit bag. It was like 800 cash on the saddle. That's a score. So the cops came in to investigate it. And one of the cops started looking at me. And he goes, bro, you fit the description of a guy that's been using a credit card around here. Is that you a referee? I go, no, no. What are you talking. That's how it started. Then he becoming. Every other week, we're nailing down the sizes of the clothes you bought. We're gonna nail you pretty soon. And then he came in one Saturday to bother me. The next Sunday, I was on a plane to San Francisco. I never saw this bitch again till I turned myself in in 87. He's one of the cops and he's looking at me weird, but he ain't figuring it out.

[B]

Did you know at that time, you're like, it's him.

[C]

I know it's him. And God forbid he remembers. His credit card thing disconnected with the kidnap. And I'm definitely going away for a while. For months, we'd be in court and you could see him be scratching.

[A]

Gotta piece it together.

[C]

He was one of these lurchy dudes that was big with the military head doing. He had like a peanut for a brain. But, you know, he kept looking at me, scratching his head like, I know this. And finally we went to, you know, court and I. Whatever. And I went to jail. And then I thought that was done. When I got out, I would see him and he'd go, they let you out too early. I'm gonna catch you again. Fuck.

[A]

What's with this guy?

[C]

He's got a heart on his throat. He's just a Boy Scout thing, like

[A]

Brian Dennehy with Rambo.

[C]

Yeah, he was confused. You know, some of these cops, they're very nice, but they think they're gonna save the world. Listen, just work your shift.

[A]

Well, he was right.

[C]

Work your shift.

[B]

He was right. You were stealing.

[C]

Yeah, he was right. But I'm not gonna give you the opportunity to catch me. He even showed up at my. I got. I went to prison in 88. This motherfucker showed up at one of my divorce hearings in 94. What, to go against me because my ex wife called him to verify. He's crazy. I'm crazy. So what are you gonna do about it?

[A]

What's he, a fucking cop?

[C]

He's not a psychiatrist. The fuck does he know?

[A]

This guy didn't like you.

[C]

Did not like me. But that's the only cop I ever had a problem.

[B]

Yeah, I feel like cops love you. Got goodwill.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're a guy cops like. And you're a guy who likes cops, dog.

[C]

About three months ago on a Monday night, I got a couple edibles in the exit. I just finished up the. What are you bothering me for? I got an appointment on Wednesday. Who gives a fuck? Every two hours. You got an appointment on Wednesday. That's tomorrow.

[A]

Oh, with the reminders?

[C]

Yeah, with the reminders.

[A]

Reply one for yes.

[C]

CVS Pharmacy. Jesus Christ. All day. Phoebe. Two more Days.

[A]

We're gonna get the prescription.

[C]

Yeah, shut the fuck. We could deliver for you. Leave me alone.

[B]

It's a lot. It's. The CVS is over.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

The receipts were bad.

[C]

You guys are fucking.

[A]

I'm gonna come in there, I'm gonna wait 20 minutes in line. You're not gonna have it filled and you're gonna fill it up.

[C]

I go through the drive through like a pimp.

[A]

I like it.

[C]

You know what I'm saying? They got a nice drive through 10 to 8. I got all day to pick, and it's across from my favorite Italian restaurant. So I'm killing two birds with one stone. You know what I'm saying? I got a cvs. I gotta get some lobsters.

[B]

Take these on. Take these with food.

[A]

They.

[C]

Yeah, but I gotta take you there. The lobster stuff, shells.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

His lips started quivering when he said that he likes them.

[A]

You had me. I'm in good stuff. Shells a lot.

[C]

What are we talking about?

[B]

I don't even know. We all got stuffed shells on the brain now. I all got. We all think about red sauce.

[C]

Oh, man.

[B]

How do you feel? You using Chat GPT? How do you feel?

[C]

I don't even know how to use that. I'm an old man.

[A]

The credit card thing, just think of, like, technology and, like, all this stuff. Like, you see, you can't even do anything in Manhattan anymore. Cameras everywhere.

[B]

Yeah, you can't.

[C]

It was the 80s, it was wide open. And here's the beauty thing the guy was getting the cards from. He worked with a lady at a bank. And it was basically Foley got a new credit card. They make two copies. Yeah, they sent one to Foley and they'd send one to this guy. It was a perfect scam.

[A]

You ran it on a thing.

[C]

I'm a doing a lot. They were getting credit cards. As soon as you got the credit card, you got on a plane, you went to JFK and got the plane to California. Because in those days when they reported a credit card, it was only reported still on the east coast. Yeah, for 24 hours and for 48 hours, the next time zone. So you had three days to use that card before the alert came on us. And then, even if the card was. Listen, I walked around with a card that was done, but I would use it for Chinese lunches. You know, like, Chinese lunch. 10 bucks a fucking egg roll, a bowl of soup and a cup. I go in there all day because under 50, they can't run them. But they would look in a book to see if it was stolen. Come on, there's a thousand numbers in that book. So I would eat on the arm every day with the same credit card. Some days throwing some spare ribs. I'm feeling fucking, I'm feeling froggy today. You couldn't do it because that's how nailed you. They nailed you on the. Using it if they caught you. But they nailed you on with the clerk. Yeah, the clerk had to remember.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay, so now with the cameras. Yeah, you're done. You pretty much.

[A]

And they know it instantly.

[B]

Dude, I used to work at Macy's. I remember people, we were. That was like, you had to look out, you had to ask for ID, stolen credit cards. This whole nine year. And this is in fucking 2008. Nine, ten, whatever. And people would come in and they would scan, they try, they buy one thing and go like, hey, let me see if this works for like a pair of socks. And I go, yeah, 599. They go, oh shit, I forgot, I need $1,000 in gift cards. I go, whatever you need, bud.

[C]

Is a bit.

[B]

But it's true. That's. It's like, that's what they would do. They'd come in and they test it to see if the credit card worked and if it worked and I let them do it, they go, oh, I need. They go get the Hugo Boss jeans or the gift cards. They come back to me, I go, I don't give a. Joey loves this game.

[C]

It's crazy how I paid $8 an hour.

[A]

Kevin's Talk about Mars, man.

[B]

Mars Men, baby.

[A]

Listen, I could tell you firsthand, I'm a 50 year old guy. Things start slowing down, you know what I mean? The body starts power it down. And here's the crazy thing, I'm in the best shape, which I know, that's pathetic that I've been in 10 years, okay? I'm walking, I'm doing this. Some days I feel good, some days I feel bad.

[B]

Yeah. Sluggish. Moving through the mud. Brutal. Feels like you got fucking cinder blocks in your feet.

[A]

Be nice to have an even keel trugging along.

[B]

Yeah. Here's the thing, guys. Most men start losing the their testosterone around 30, about 1% every year. After that, that's starts dwindling. You don't know. That's one of those problems where it's taking away. You don't know what's happening. Or two, you got your head in the books. You're doing this, you're doing that, whatever. Your body makes testosterone. But a lot of it gets locked up and you can't. And it can't be used. There's a protein called SHBG that basically handcuffs your testosterone. Even if your body's making testosterone, which a lot of people are, SHBG locks it up so you can't access it. It's like having money in the bank but your debit card doesn't work. I'm trying to make a withdrawal. I can't. It Mars Men is deposited to help. Designed to help free lock testosterone so your body can actually use it. There's no synthetics, no needles, just real ingredients that help optimize energy, focus and strength. They were nice enough to send us over some. I got it. Once I started running again, I started working out in the gym a little bit just to stay tight, try to get activated. I'm chasing a little one around the recovery. Recovery after the gym helps. It keeps me more focused. I have natural energy. I'm more consistent. It's not like drinking a cup of coffee. It's a steadier sense of drive throughout the day. It's not a big up and then a down. It supports healthy T levels, energy and stamina. Eight natural clinically dosed ingredients. A 90 day money back guarantee. So there's no risk. For a limited time, our listeners get 50% off for life plus free shipping and three free gifts@ Mengodomars.com that's Mengotomars.com for 50% off and three free gifts. When you check out, after you purchase, they're gonna ask you how you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them the voice sent you.

[C]

Do it.

[A]

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[B]

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[C]

Yeah, when my mom first died, I hung out with this kid from the neighborhood. And we called him the Devil because he really was the devil. I mean, he ended up killing his wife and doing time. Chinese guy in North Carolina, Irish guy.

[A]

He owned a cold stone.

[B]

He would eat the paper off the cake. You believe that?

[C]

What was I talking about?

[B]

The devil in the neighborhood. Irish devil killed his wife.

[C]

He was a smart kid. His father owned a ship contracting company, which meant was a ship docked, they went in and fixed the ship, replaced all the valves, cleaned off the barnacles and they did everything. And he was just a thief. This kid was just. I respect. He was rob his own company, like his own father's company. They knew the equipment was gonna be there. Sure, 8 o', clock, I'm gonna go rob it and take it to fucking Newark to sell it for the pound. I mean, this kid was a genius at this shit. But one thing he taught me at that age was counterfeit money, okay? He always got counterfeit 50s and counterfeit hundreds. Shit. And we would go out at night, but he always had a hard time because he was a fucking idiot. He was going to stores and look at, you know, you can't buy a dollar soda and give the guy a hundred Brooklyn, and he's not gonna give you a change. So I devised a system that was better. I'd go right in and tell you, listen, this is a fake hundred. Take 50 for yourself. Give me 50 cash. Nobody knows nothing. I just made him a partner. Yeah, and I worked every fucking night. Because who doesn't want a 50 piece? Again, I come into you with a stolen credit card. I had a girl at Lord and Taylor, a girl I grew up with was like a big time at Lord and Taylor. Anytime I got a credit card, I brought it to her first and I said, buy yourself something, whatever you want. 300 for, buy it. And then she would Buy it. I knew the card was good and we'd go rob and she'd call to see how much limit I had after I bought or something. So almost. I always made the sales associate a partner, smart. Jesus, why not give him a taste? You're robbing. It's not gonna cost you a fucking dime. Yeah, so give them half of it. If I come to a stripper and I go, I got a fake hundred, give me fifty. And you keep fifty. Watch that bitch roll. Watch that bitch go to another guy and go, you got 100? I'm gonna change mine and get. I mean, they're fucking brilliant. So strip clubs at that time, bodegas. Listen, it's the fake hundred. You could see the president's got a mustache. You know what I'm saying? If you can't figure broad, it's George Washington with a biker dip. Fucking a biker dip.

[A]

Nobody gets hurt.

[B]

Oh, that's fucking great.

[C]

Fucking hilarious.

[A]

What would you be doing if you were young, if you were that guy today?

[C]

I would probably. I would learn some different. Somebody would have taught me something.

[B]

You'd have to be in some.

[C]

You'd be always something.

[B]

Some sort of bitcoin.

[C]

There's always some poor bastard to rob. And with the computer. Forget about it. With the computer, there's a thousand scams. How to make a million dollars legit. Yeah, but there's more scams on the computer. Sure. You know, three days, autograph, picture Joe Rogan. Then it disappears. He's calling a picture, an autograph, and he's gonna call you for 10 minutes. $10,000 and see how many idiots sign up for that program. I'll get six idiots.

[B]

He already thought of that.

[C]

I'll send you a headshot with said, fuck you stupid. That's the only thing you get.

[B]

That's Joe.

[C]

How many fucking people I can say anything. I'm gonna hook you up with whatever. Give me 10k and fucking. You get a headshot, a fucking autograph and make a 10 minute call. Tell you what's wrong with your life. This shit fucking now.

[B]

You gonna call tomorrow?

[C]

Who are you gonna get to do the voice? There's gotta be six. City CVS will be called. That'll send you 60,000 bucks. Six idiots that'll go, I want to talk to Joe Rogan on the phone. And I just made myself 60 bucks. It's over. Then the next day I open up a website. Joe Rogan T shirts after he wore him at a workout. Kettlebells, fucking. That's another 10 grand. The next Day. Because there's fucking people who will. I just had a friend. She's an idiot. I mean, I liked it for a long time. I liked her for a long time, but she's a fucking idiot. She's 36, going on point. Between the. And the stripping and the drugs and the kid, you know, the kid's like, autistic. You know, that. Fucking. Gotta weigh you down. That shit rubs off. No, you don't want this girl's number, Holland.

[A]

Fuck.

[C]

But you don't want her number. She's fucking crazy. I met her at the place where I go for health stuff. And she wanted. I did, I did, I did, I did. I go there for cryo and hyperbaric chamber. And I met her about two years ago. She's like, I want to do. I want to do a podcast. I need help. All right. Fucking tried to help. It was a nightmare. But every time I met with her, she'd tell me a different story that would make me just sit there and go, what the fuck? Like, one day we were hanging out, and she goes, something about. We were just talking, and she said something about Arab. You know, I said something about Arab. And she goes, let me tell you. I dated a Muslim guy, and he got me pregnant. And then they did the. I had to get another surgery. And I'm like, what the fuck? It was like three days before Christmas. I'm like, who you tell this story to? And then she goes, it's my fault. She goes, it's my fault for dating a Muslim. I'm Jewish. I can't date a Muslim. Anyway, I'm like, okay. You know, that was the shit.

[B]

Don't allow it.

[C]

Those are throwaway lines. Like, she's half. And she just went. She got a rich boyfriend to buy her tickets for whoever played at the Garden last night.

[A]

Jay Z.

[C]

No, no, that's Yankee Stadium.

[B]

I don't know who played it last year.

[C]

Ariana Grande. So she told me. She goes, I got tickets for Ariana Grande for my birthday. I can't find anybody to go because you're an idiot with that ass and those titties. You can't find something around the block. She's a. So, you know, I wish the luck, whatever. Yes. I wake up Monday morning. I got two texts from her and a missed call. Call me back when you get a minute. Call me back. I didn't know what it was. I called her back. She goes, I went to the concert, and the tickets were fake. He bought $3,000. I go, well, then call him. What Are you bothering me for. And she's like, I thought maybe you knew somebody. I don't know nobody. I play the improv. They charge $17 ticket tax. I don't get a dollar dollar. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

He's got an envelope with three grand.

[C]

Yeah, I don't know nobody.

[B]

He said, I played the improv.

[C]

Yeah. 17 service ticket. I don't get a dollar. What makes you think I know anybody?

[B]

A ticket master fighting for a door deal over here.

[C]

Yeah,

[B]

I'm trying to get a travel buyout.

[A]

You're buying counterfeit tickets, and you're buying

[C]

$3,000 worth of counterfeit tickets, and you want me to call Ariana Grande? I don't know, hit her up DM on Instagram.

[B]

Oh, you know, obviously. And I don't. Not to incriminate yourself, but what is the glass?

[A]

I have to cut all this.

[B]

What? What's the last thing you stole? It could have been a pack of you lift. I mean, a lot of people steal from the airport stuff. Are you doing any of that, or.

[A]

I think it was the Mariana Grundy thing.

[B]

Nothing. You're on the up and up.

[C]

And I love stealing. I mean, it's one of my favorite things in the world. It's like blowjobs, stealing. You know what I'm saying? Like, you love. I love to steal them boats. And county New Jersey. We were raised and bred to steal. It's just that simple. We're like ca. We don't leave nothing on the table. You know what I'm saying? There ain't nothing for you on the table after that. We'll leave you some bottled waters, maybe a bottle of gin. But after that, you stole everything. As a kid, my mom was a thief. As well off as she did. She believed in Cuba, if you shoplifted, it was good luck. So everybody got robbed. My mother robbed something stupid. She robbed the bell at the Catholic school.

[A]

Jesus.

[C]

Like the bell when you have to go to class. She said it was gonna bring me good luck.

[A]

Not the one at the altar that they bring before?

[C]

I think so. And she stole the bell and kept it for the Mets. And every time she'd go to the Met game, she'd play the bell and they'd win. Lost like a playoff game in 73. And she told me, take that fucking kiss of death back to your church. That thing brought me bad luck. I'm like, bitch, you've been ringing it all season. The Mets got to the playoffs in 73. And now you're mad at The Mets, because they didn't beat the Cincinnati Reds.

[B]

Are you even like. Are you doing a self checkout at all?

[C]

What do you mean?

[B]

Like at the cash at the supermarket store.

[C]

I mean, it's a shame that I'm such a good shoplifter.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And in today's day and age, I can't shop with them now. Now you just pick up like a fucking ham and wave at the people, wave at the Arabian.

[A]

They can't stop you. Don't let it stop you.

[C]

No, they can't stop you. But now I don't want to shoplift for a long time after I cleaned my act up, I was robbing lighters from 7 11.

[B]

That's respectable. That keeps you sharp.

[C]

Because I was a magician. I'm a magician. That's why they had to put the lighters behind the fuck thing. Yeah, I know how to take a finger, put it in my sleeve, you know, the whole deal. I mean, listen, I was really good. I remember when I first moved to Boulder. I was doing like when Testa Verde did. When Elway did the drive in 87. The whole mall was in the hallway looking at the tv. What do you think I'm doing? I'm in Radio Shack unplugging the samples of CD players. I walked out of there with a whole CD player. No box, no nothing. I had the remote in one hand and the CD player into the other arm. I was what you called a strong armed soldier. I did it like it wasn't happening. I did it right in front of your face. Even when I was a kid, we go to Crazy eddies on Route 22 and Paramus. And I would walk up to the counter with the album I wanted to buy. But behind that was six albums I was shoplifting. So I would walk up to the counter and put the albums down, give him the album pay. He'd give me one with a bag. I'd put the fucking bag down. I'd pick up the other. I worked this finger string and I picked up the other six. And I turned the album around. So while I was walking out, all they saw was the bag. They didn't see the albums behind that.

[A]

That's something Crazy Eddie would appreciate.

[C]

Yeah. And then there was a path mark by my house. And they had. They started a record department. Why? I don't know. Record department at Patmark in North Bergen on Dunley Avenue in 1981. They started a little record department next to the magazine stores. So I would go in the daytime and put all the albums I wanted And I would put it all the way by the end where the fence was. They just put a fence. I could still stick my hand in and take the albums out. So I put all my albums in position, like six or seven of them. I'd go there at night, get a gallon of milk and fucking take the albums and walk out of there. It's amazing what people aren't watching. Yeah, it's fucking amazing. You think people are watching, but they're really not. They're really not. You know these guys, Luigi, whatever his fucking name is. Mangini, the guy who shot the CEO of the insurance company, shot him right in broad daylight. Never mind. 25 years ago, John Gotti and his crew shot down Paul Castellano at Spark Steakhouse on the other side of Manhattan. And nobody saw nothing during Christmas time

[A]

at 5 o', clock, allegedly.

[C]

People see what they want to see and they. So it's really weird when you do that crazy stuff that you're basically a spirit in a room. You feel like you go invisible.

[B]

That's a guy who can steal.

[C]

We were talking about this last night. That. The shit I used to do as a kid. I loved stealing. Loved it. It was like a thrill. I don't get a nothing. Are you garbage? I'm garbage.

[B]

You know, you won't steal a Hudson News or nothing.

[C]

Nothing. Nothing.

[B]

I like that.

[A]

He's done it. So.

[C]

See, that's why when my windshield got broken Saturday, I didn't feel bad. I just kept watching the game. Because you need one of those every

[B]

once in a while.

[C]

Yeah, every once in a while you got to pay a vig for everything you did in life. It could be a accident on Monday morning when you going to the dentist. It could be a flat tire. And you sit there and you want to curse it, just look up and go, that's the time I. That chick in the ass and no condom. Even though I had the herb.

[B]

Gotta pay your.

[A]

No.

[C]

And I've never had the herb. I'm just saying you'll know what you did. Of course you'll know what you did. It's in there for that thing. I could have lied to somebody. I could have sent somebody a. A phony bracelet from the hospital. You know, it could have been a lot. No, it could have been a lot things. But if you sit there and go, big fuck, what happens to me? It's over. You gotta pay a big every once in a while. Gotta pay it big for the universe. The universe is always watching. Sometimes, just about. I came to New York A year ago, I speeding up like fucking Escobar up and down Broadway. I'm dodging lights. I get home a month later, I got like eight tickets. And in fact, a cop pulled me over and let me go. He's like, just slow it down a little bit. I didn't know they had lights on, all these fucking things. I got home, I had a stack. I didn't yell one time. I didn't try to fight it. I just paid the big. It's a bad fucking day. We all make good money that we don't have to cry over. You know how long?

[B]

We can pay that.

[C]

We can pay that. How long are you going to be mad about a tire for? That's it.

[B]

The deep, deep understanding of life.

[A]

That's it.

[C]

You just every. You did something. The universe is always watching, whether you're doing something good or something bad. How many times you do something good for somebody and they tell you to go yourself and you feel bad, but the universe remembered this mother. It's like a cat. You ever kick a cat? They go into the bed and they write it on the note. This motherfucker kicked me and I'm gonna shit in his fucking mouth one day when he's sleeping.

[A]

Six months from now.

[C]

Yeah, Cat's right under the bed. That's why you don't do nothing bad to cats.

[A]

That's awesome.

[C]

Cubans.

[B]

Cuban, mom.

[A]

Cat's right under the bed. If you heard it, they.

[C]

Right under the bed. They go under the bed. And this motherfucker shit next to me and it smelled like a billy goat. I'm gonna have to shit next to him one night, let him know what it feel like. He's been eating sushi for three days.

[A]

Catch. It'll get you.

[B]

Huh? Geez, you're a fucking. You're one of the most interesting guys there. Joey, when was the last time you smoked a cig?

[C]

Two weeks ago in Austin, Texas.

[B]

Very nice. Still bang. Every now you'll get one every now and then.

[C]

It tastes good, you know? Three days later, my emphysema comes back. I gotta fucking hit a valve every morning for two. Dick. I'm eating pussy and all you hear is little whistles.

[B]

You snore.

[C]

Yeah, I got sleep apnea.

[B]

As he scoffed, I asked.

[A]

Nah, sleep like a baby.

[B]

We're both, you know, we're both bigger guys. Snore, Smoke for a long time. Whole nine yards. Obviously. Same boat. Would you ever do that implant thing?

[C]

I think my sleep apnea is. That's the trick. They get you with I like the whole sleep apnea again. Idiots. You and I tonight, you and me, all three of us could devise a mouthpiece, get a commercial, $50 a day, and go on every night and say, me and these three guys develop this with a Korean scientist. You put this in your lung. Listen, sleep apnea.

[B]

Yeah, you did.

[C]

Everybody does because they don't want to go to a doctor and get a prescription. So you think you're gonna buy. You thinking, oh, the Korean mouthpiece, the fucking this, that. The Turkish finger up the ass. Yeah, it's always something. Just go get the machine, you idiot.

[A]

Shout out to ResMed.

[C]

Yeah, go get the ResMed.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

And now I can't get a prescription. All right, but then it's a communist move too, because every. Every year they about to go Chinese. Every year the insurance makes you take a sleep study test. Next time you go to a sleep study doctor, he's gonna go, when was the last time you got a sleep study test? And you'll think about me if you don't take that test because it's such a nightmare. They take the mask off, you put all those wires on you, then they fucking chill you to death. Then they cut you off, you finally fall asleep and they cut the fucking oxygen off on you. It's a nightmare. So I did it one time. I can never do it again. I've been in that room smelling cologne the whole. I've been to like six of them

[B]

smelling other dudes, you know, because they

[C]

go in there and they don't fucking vacuum the room or whatever. He's just going in there to sleep and they're watching you with a bunch of tubes. Smells like piss. So fucking. The last one I did, they threw me out after an hour because I'm not going to sleep without the machine. I'm not doing that to myself at this point. Which means you can't get another machine. Insurance will not give you another.

[B]

Go get a new test.

[A]

I got an answer for on it. Talk after the show.

[C]

No, I did what you did, okay? I went on a Chinese. I got the exact same machine. I got two, three machines. Two travel ones. Well, one travel one and one backup. If the one goes, I got one ready to fucking rock. I got the mask, I got the whole thing. Yeah, we went on secondhand marketplace and bought the same fucking machine.

[A]

Set up automatic.

[C]

Set up automatic. So all this bullshit they make you go through for insurance just to bang your insurance to all the people I'm paid three grand a month for fucking insurance. I Got no sag. Sag. Left me out to fucking try, so I got no fucking insurance, so you know I'm not doing all that shit.

[A]

Sure. Plus, you could you now have using the mask for so long. I go to sleep without it. I wake up.

[C]

Fucking fuck. Do you go to sleep without it?

[A]

If I fall asleep. If I like, happen to fall asleep, I wake up.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Sucks. Do you put a little oxygen in your water?

[A]

Water, oxygen, my water, water and the oxygen.

[C]

You go to whatever health food store and you get that extra purple oxygen drops and you put them in there. That helps.

[A]

I haven't been using water.

[C]

I just raw dog it. No, no, put the water. And I did the same for years. Yeah, you wake up with blisters in your mouth. You think you're eating some hookah's up on 178th Street. You got more blisters than Bonnie Blue. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Shout out to her, Jesus Christ.

[A]

Clean yours?

[C]

Yeah, I clean mine. Yeah, because you get really. But then that company, they canceled it. They had a company that you put the wire and the mask in at night. Like a barber?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

You ever go to the barber? They have that chemical in there, the automatic.

[A]

My dad. Yeah.

[C]

All of a sudden they went out of business. So something.

[A]

There was something. There was some fungus or bacteria or something was building up in there.

[B]

Yeah, I don't know. It sounds not playing ball. I mean, I got a couple, you know, one or two left here. I mean, you know, how do you feel about this? Savannah Bananas.

[C]

Don't have any idea what that is. Don't talk to me like that.

[B]

Fair enough. I'm glad you're living a life. You don't know a Savannah Banana, man.

[A]

He is the world I know.

[B]

Let's say you go out to dinner, right? Let's say we all went out to dinner, right? The three of us, we decide we're paying, right? I go. They drop the check. We go and we pay.

[A]

Are you.

[B]

How many times are you going. Are you fake reaching for it? Are you just gonna let us grab.

[C]

I'll go grab it. I'll try to grab it myself.

[B]

And we say, no, no, no. How many times will you do this?

[C]

That. No, I'm not gonna argue with you. I'll just give the guy to card, you know. But if you buy dinner, I'll leave a double tip, okay? You're buying dinner. The fuck is right. It's like people that go to a restaurant, they get. Everybody pays you for your dinner. You don't leave nothing for the waiter because somebody paid for your dinner. I leave them the amount of the dinner. Smart. So whatever I was gonna pay for that dinner with my wife and my daughter, I leave to the fucking.

[A]

Really?

[C]

Yeah, why not? Everybody needs a fucking break. Everybody wants to score one day, right? Everybody. And your job is to make everybody's day one time.

[B]

That's beautiful.

[C]

Okay. Your job is to make somebody laugh. One time, a homeless guy, you give him a five instead of a one one time. That's it. That's your job as a human being. Because I could told Joe, we're in the karma business. We're not in the comedy business. When the karma business, you see people who are. Look at Conor McGregor. He's in the car, he's in the karma business. You saw what happened, Saw what happened. And I'm not mad at him or anything like that. But we're in the karma business as comedians. I love going into a store and seeing an 80 year old lady and going, you sexy. If I was 10 years young, I'd take you through the hoop. And they're like, oh stop, you just made her blush. Her husband hasn't complimented her in a year. She's 80. Who gives a fuck? You know she's got dust on her pussy.

[B]

You sweat off my back.

[C]

She ain't cutting. You ain't cut.

[B]

Take this old bra for a run.

[C]

You know anybody, you just make that day and that fucking increases your day by 100%. You got 10 bucks. A homeless guy asks you for a dollar, you give him five. Forget it. Then you're like, I'm left with five bucks. Watch what happens. Watch what happens between three hours. That's when you two call me and take me for the best steak ever. That's Smith and Wolinsky. And then I won't, I won't have. I only have a five dollar tip for them and you know what I'm saying?

[A]

You think we're going to space? Would you go to space if you could?

[C]

I've been to space. I've been to space. Jupiter, Lootville, Cokeville.

[A]

There's no credit card machine.

[C]

Yeah, I've been to planets, these. What's his name? Eroy Smith. What's his name? Elon Musk. Whatever his. Fuck that Martian looking. He's a Martian himself. Eroy, whatever his name is.

[B]

Funniest thing I've ever heard. E. Roy Smith.

[C]

Look at him.

[B]

He kind of made up Chinese.

[C]

He's got. He doesn't even care. He's got a kid That's a half a train. He don't care about that. That's an alien. He's AI himself, man.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

Uncle Joey, I think you figured it all out. I really think you figured life out, man.

[C]

I haven't figured shit out. If I figured something out, I wouldn't be here with you. Got suckers be in India getting my ass eaten right now with a snake eating a hot dog.

[A]

Me and Eros bringing some breads to India.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen, the legend, Mr. Joey Diaz.

[C]

Oh, my God. You hear him every week on the Church of.

[A]

What's Happening Now. You got. You got dates coming up.

[C]

I got the Brooklyn Improv tomorrow night, which I don't know if you come out. And then I got Oceans, the 7th and 8th August, shout out to Ocean and I'm. You guys open that weekend? Where are you? Oh, yes. That's it. You're done.

[B]

Yeah, we're. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You're around. Somewhere around. I might have a little party down there.

[B]

Let us know.

[C]

I love. I know you. You guys don't live down there, do you?

[A]

No, we're here.

[C]

Your families?

[B]

Yeah, we're from Philly.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

So.

[B]

Yeah, close.

[A]

Ish. Boys like a drive.

[B]

Gang. Thanks for everything. Check out the Patreon. We love you.

[C]

Why are you doing that?

[B]

Cause you wear it. What the. You just went radio silent.

[C]

I shot a peptide today. I don't know what happened.

[A]

I forgot we were here.

[B]

Yeah. No, that's right. Stepped in bozo.

[A]

Gang. Uncle Joey, we love you.

[C]

I love you too, kiddie.

[A]

I love you.

[B]

I love you.

[A]

Gang, we love you. And we'll see you next week.

[B]

Peace.