John Crist!

Summary

Podcast Summary: Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast – Episode: John Crist!

Release Date: June 23, 2025

In this engaging episode of "Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast," hosts Kevin Ryan and H. Foley welcome comedian John Crist for an in-depth and humorous exploration of his unique upbringing, personal struggles, and successful career in comedy. The conversation delves into Crist's large family background, his religious upbringing, challenges with education, battle with addiction, and how he charted his path into the world of stand-up comedy.

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1. Introduction and Guest Overview

The episode kicks off with a vibrant introduction of John Crist, highlighting his impressive resume that includes appearances on "Gotham Comedy Live," "Fox & Friends," "The Tonight Show," and his popular podcast, "Net Positive." Hosts emphasize Crist's latest stand-up special, "Emotional Support," which has already amassed over 3 million views on YouTube, and tease his upcoming fall tour starting August 31st at the Encore Theater in Las Vegas.

Notable Quote:

John Crist: "Oh, man, that was the best intro I ever got." [02:37]

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2. Family Background and Religious Upbringing

John Crist opens up about his roots, sharing that he is one of eight children in a Pentecostal family with deep Amish heritage. His father, a Pentecostal preacher, founded the Atlanta Vineyard church after his grandparents transitioned from the Amish to Mennonite beliefs. Crist explains how his family's religious background influenced his upbringing, including strict adherence to faith-based practices and community values.

Notable Quote:

John Crist: "I'm one of eight kids, dad is a Pentecostal preacher." [04:06]

Crist reminisces about spending Christmas in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, where his extended family maintained some Amish traditions while incorporating modern conveniences like electric motor bikes. This blend of old and new shaped Crist's early experiences and worldview.

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3. Education and Learning Disabilities

Crist discusses his educational journey, which began with homeschooling dictated by his family's religious beliefs. Despite the controlled environment, Crist faced academic challenges due to an undiagnosed learning disability. It wasn't until after graduating that his difficulties were recognized, highlighting gaps in support systems within his community.

Notable Quote:

John Crist: "I found out I had a learning disability after I graduated that no one had told me about." [31:45]

He recounts being placed in a specialized class focused on shapes and memory games, which aimed to accommodate his learning needs. This experience underscored the lack of individualized attention in his educational setting.

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4. Religious Influence and Personal Challenges

Crist delves deeper into the religious aspects of his upbringing, describing how his father's role in the church introduced him to intense religious practices, including snake handling and prayer rituals. These experiences were both formative and challenging, shaping Crist's perception of faith and community.

Notable Quote:

John Crist: "We don’t believe in health care. We believe if God wanted us to use it, He would." [08:08]

Crist also shares a pivotal moment from his youth when he faced a severe snake bite, which was only addressed when it became a life-threatening emergency, highlighting the extremes of faith-based practices.

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5. Comedy Career and Overcoming Addiction

Transitioning into his career in comedy, Crist explains how humor became a refuge from his strict and sometimes oppressive religious environment. He began performing within church settings, using comedy to navigate and critique his upbringing.

Crist openly discusses his battle with alcohol addiction, attributing his struggles to the high expectations and pressures of maintaining a public persona in Christian circles. In 2009, Crist sought help and entered rehab, achieving five years of sobriety through a combination of faith and support systems.

Notable Quote:

John Crist: "I went to rehab in 2009. I'm five years sober now because of the Lord." [41:45]

He reflects on how his addiction was partly a reaction to the internal conflicts between his personal desires and the strictures of his religious upbringing, ultimately finding solace and purpose in comedy.

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6. Relationship with Family and Current Life

Crist elaborates on his family dynamics, noting that while his siblings have pursued successful careers in various fields such as teaching, finance, and real estate, he chose the unconventional path of comedy. This decision sometimes placed him at odds with family expectations, but also allowed him to cultivate his unique voice and identity.

He humorously contrasts his current lifestyle with his past, discussing how he moved away from the rigid structures of his upbringing to embrace personal freedom and professional opportunities. Crist mentions owning a Range Rover and maintaining a presence in Nashville, indicating his successful transition to an independent life.

Notable Quote:

John Crist: "I'm living openly now, no longer under the constraints of my past religious environment." [64:22]

Crist also touches on maintaining friendships outside his family, highlighting the supportive community within the comedy and podcasting scenes that helped him thrive.

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7. Conclusion and Future Plans

As the episode wraps up, Crist reflects on how comedy has been instrumental in processing his past and connecting with audiences. He acknowledges the support from fellow comedians and podcasters that have been pivotal in his career growth. The hosts and Crist share lighthearted banter, reinforcing the bond formed during the interview.

Crist promotes his fall tour in Las Vegas and encourages listeners to follow his work both on stage and online, emphasizing the importance of community and support in his ongoing journey.

Notable Quote:

John Crist: "Comedy makes us cool." [53:20]

Final Quote:

John Crist: "Come by and say hi if you've come from RU Garbage or through a meet and greet." [68:40]

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Key Takeaways and Insights

• Resilience Through Humor: John Crist's journey underscores the power of humor as a tool for coping with and critiquing personal and familial challenges.

• Impact of Upbringing: His strict religious and large family background significantly shaped his values, struggles, and ultimately his career path.

• Overcoming Adversity: Crist's candid discussion about his battle with addiction highlights the importance of seeking help and the role of faith in recovery.

• Breaking Away from the Past: By embracing comedy, Crist was able to forge his own identity separate from his family's expectations, demonstrating the potential for personal growth and change.

• Community Support: The support from the comedy and podcasting communities played a crucial role in Crist's success and sobriety, emphasizing the importance of a supportive network.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• John Crist: "I'm one of eight kids, dad is a Pentecostal preacher." [04:06]
• John Crist: "I found out I had a learning disability after I graduated that no one had told me about." [31:45]
• John Crist: "I went to rehab in 2009. I'm five years sober now because of the Lord." [41:45]
• John Crist: "Comedy makes us cool." [53:20]
• John Crist: "Come by and say hi if you've come from RU Garbage or through a meet and greet." [68:40]

---

This episode provides a comprehensive and heartfelt look into John Crist's life, illustrating how personal adversity and a supportive community can drive success and personal fulfillment. Through his storytelling, Crist offers listeners both laughs and meaningful insights into overcoming life's challenges.

Transcript

[H. Foley]

Gang, do you have a garbage question that the boys have to hear? Do you like stand up comedy? You like having a night out with the boys? Having a couple of pops? Come see an RU Garbage live show.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, we got a second show added in San Francisco, then Portland, Seattle, Brea, California, Burlington, Vermont, Boston, Massachusetts. Low ticket alert. Atlanta, Georgia, Charlotte, North Carolina, Raleigh, North Carolina, Richmond, Virginia, Baltimore, Maryland, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania at the Met, Rochester, New York and Toronto. Get your tickets [e-mail] and we'll see.

[H. Foley]

You on a road back on the block. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are you garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is RU Garbage. Oh, yeah, it's that little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that at the gym to be classy. Just a big old piece of trash.

[John Crist]

Trash, trash, trash.

[H. Foley]

I'm your host, H. Foley. Coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in a new edition. She drank all the milk.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay?

[H. Foley]

So if you're looking for a bowl of cereal, I'm screwed. You're gonna have to use coffee creamer. All right, Second time I told her, don't drink all the milk.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right, fair enough.

[H. Foley]

Seven hours down the drain. Mike coast is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of Are you garbage? He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world. Give it up for kj Kevin. James Ryan, everybody.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hey, everybody, thanks for tuning in as always, please make sure you rate review subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Also full video available over there on Spotify, baby. And those numbers are cooking the charts over there. I know. Then the best website of all time. My brain is mushed. The best website of all time. Www.patreon.com all your garbage.

[John Crist]

Go over there.

[Kevin Ryan]

Get all that bonus gang.

[H. Foley]

And gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly and I mean incredibly special guest here with us today for the first time. He is a very funny, very successful stand up comedian, podcaster and author. And you might have seen him in, but not limited to you got Gotham Comedy Live, Fox and Friends, Nashville Squares, the Tonight Show. As of recently, you can hear him every week on his amazing podcast, Net Positive. He has multiple standup specials out, including John Crist would like to release a statement. What are we doing in his brand new special emotional support which already got 3 million views over there on the YouTube. He's got his book. Delete that. And he's going to be kicking off a fall tour Aug. 31 in Las Vegas, Nevada at the Encore theater. The jokes for Human Store. Do me a favor. Give it up for Mr. John Chris.

[John Crist]

Oh, man, that was the best intro I ever got.

[H. Foley]

Thank you, buddy. And I did it with the ears going in that.

[Kevin Ryan]

I know.

[H. Foley]

Luke's throwing me curveballs.

[Kevin Ryan]

Luke, you're killing me over there. Luke's got a new setup and he's screwed us.

[H. Foley]

John Christian here.

[John Crist]

It's coming in and out. I got that jacket.

[H. Foley]

Look at that nice shacket he's got on.

[John Crist]

I got it.

[H. Foley]

You're in here blowing it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Really showing your ass.

[H. Foley]

Look at you crawling in like a rat.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's under the table. This is an all time flub by new guy Luke. That's actually. Might have fixed it there, big dog. That's a little crisp.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Thank you, Lucas Patucas.

[Kevin Ryan]

Appreciate you, bud.

[H. Foley]

We got to get you an all black, like a stage hand. It's gonna go back out again.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, he's fired. I don't know what you're talking about.

[H. Foley]

John, thank you so much for coming in, buddy.

[Kevin Ryan]

And I apologize for Luke's behavior thus far.

[H. Foley]

Look at the do. Look at the beach. Keeps it tight.

[Kevin Ryan]

Good looking kid. Look at good looking guy.

[H. Foley]

34, 35.

[John Crist]

Yeah, I'll take that. 41.

[H. Foley]

41. Are those veneers or they're yours now?

[John Crist]

These are real. God, this is a wild podcast kind.

[H. Foley]

Of underwear you got on.

[John Crist]

Oh, yeah. Let's get to it.

[Kevin Ryan]

I've never been called out so quick. We also. We also did get pretty bogged down on how he looks right away.

[H. Foley]

Hey, good looking. K. What do you want? I've been out of the house in a couple of days, buddy. Give us the backstory. Give us the origin story.

[John Crist]

Oh, no, dude.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. The southern boy, I believe.

[H. Foley]

Is that right?

[John Crist]

Southern boy? Yep. One of eight kids.

[H. Foley]

Whoa, wait, you are. Your parents are.

[John Crist]

I'm one of eight.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's Holy hillbilly.

[H. Foley]

God damn it. One of eight.

[John Crist]

Dad is a pentecostal preacher. Really? I don't know what's funny about that.

[H. Foley]

Or Catholics of a Stephen King novel. I like it.

[John Crist]

Everybody homeschooled.

[H. Foley]

That's what's funny about it.

[John Crist]

That's all.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's all the time.

[John Crist]

We're good.

[Kevin Ryan]

Second. Okay, where are you.

[H. Foley]

Where are you from exactly?

[John Crist]

Lilburn, Georgia.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sounds like a rapper. L Burn. He just got shot, didn't he shout out Lil. Bur. He's. He's in with that Drake.

[John Crist]

It's not a good start.

[H. Foley]

Little Burn, Georgia. Holy.

[Kevin Ryan]

How do you spell the L, I.

[John Crist]

L, L, I, L, B, U, R, N. One, though.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[John Crist]

Yes. Lil Burn.

[Kevin Ryan]

Apostrophe.

[H. Foley]

What record label is he on? One of eight kids. Your dad's a preacher?

[John Crist]

Yep.

[H. Foley]

What'd your mom do?

[John Crist]

Stay at home? Mom, eight.

[H. Foley]

What kind of kid.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's a lot of daycare you're paying.

[John Crist]

For what I think is. Well, so my. So my. I wish any of these were made up, but my. My extended family is Amish.

[H. Foley]

Really?

[Kevin Ryan]

Where? Where? Like, where Amish?

[John Crist]

So my parents. My grandparents split off from the Amish community and went to Mennonite.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's like, yeah, Amish light, but electricity. Yeah.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

They can watch football.

[John Crist]

Yeah. But they still know. They don't believe in health care. They don't believe in war.

[Kevin Ryan]

I see them at the Wawa outside. Like. Lancaster.

[John Crist]

Yeah, the Lancaster, Pennsylvania. That's where my parents are from. No, that's where we spent every Christmas.

[H. Foley]

Really?

[Kevin Ryan]

We used to go and watch. Watch your family. And field trips. Really? Would go on a bus, explore. Be like, look at these hair these guys got.

[H. Foley]

That explains the pies you brought.

[John Crist]

Yeah. So they. They. My family. My parents grew up like that. They became Mennonite, and then my dad went to seminary to. And then he. If Amish. If Mennonite. Broke off from Amish. Pentecostal. Kind of broke off from men and Mennonite. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

No.

[John Crist]

Wow.

[H. Foley]

Wait, so your parents were both Amish?

[John Crist]

Extended family, like, grandparents. What does that. What does this mean? Stop him or what? He went like this.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's.

[H. Foley]

This guy.

[Kevin Ryan]

This guy's putting a whole system on trial. Came in with his Amish magic and he's tricking us.

[H. Foley]

Can you read my thoughts? Throw some Skittles in front of me. I just get distracted. Wait, your parents.

[Kevin Ryan]

I realized, wow, he's the only one to ever pick up on. I have an odd body language thing with you where I have to clear the air because I get. I see you getting confused. Confused.

[H. Foley]

Your grandparents were on grandparents. Your grandfather broke off.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

So. Damn. They were. They. So they were in, like, the same town or whatever.

[John Crist]

Yeah. Lancaster, Pennsylvania. Holy. He was a. Ran a dairy? No, dairy farmer.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's crazy.

[H. Foley]

Probably good milk.

[John Crist]

Great milk.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[John Crist]

Great.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

Wait a minute. That's pretty good. Wait, so how would you. How would you guys go back and spend Christmas? There wasn't. Weren't they shunned.

[John Crist]

We still do all Right. So, all right.

[Kevin Ryan]

So you go to the Mennonite side, not the Amish.

[John Crist]

Not the Amish side. You go to the Amish side.

[Kevin Ryan]

But they're Mennonites now.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're not hanging with the Amish. Hanging with the men.

[John Crist]

No, we're hanging with the Amish.

[H. Foley]

You must roll in like a dude from the future.

[John Crist]

Yeah, yeah.

[H. Foley]

Blowing people's mind.

[John Crist]

They're like, what? Yeah. They don't know about the Tonight show, but if they did Jimmy Fallon, they'd be impressed. Okay, so if you leave. So the Mennonite churches. It is. The Amish church is having problems now because people are finding out about stuff.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[John Crist]

Like the Internet. Like, if it just.

[H. Foley]

When you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, they're find. Yeah, I gotcha.

[John Crist]

Well, every cult. It's not a cult. I love the family I'm from. But every religious org has to have control of information. Sure. And once a kid goes, wait, what? What are they doing in Times Square? I'm out of here. Everybody.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[John Crist]

So everybody. So you know what Rum Springer is?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. What's the rate on that? Don't. A lot of them, probably less and less, are going now. The temptations are.

[John Crist]

Oh, Everybody's. So at 18, you can go out, do whatever you want for as long as you want, and then once you come back and join, you got to be under the rules of the bishop. So a lot of people, what they're doing now is leaving and then hanging around the community and never joining. So they can have an iPhone, but they're.

[Kevin Ryan]

They're in the world a little bit.

[John Crist]

Yeah. But they're chill. But they still like to have the baked goods, and they're still Christian, but they're like, you know, I vape.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[John Crist]

Yeah. And I shouldn't say that about that. They're like, you exposed us and are you garbage?

[H. Foley]

It's like. It's like when you'll never see this.

[Kevin Ryan]

Top jumping. Jimmy Fallon.

[H. Foley]

He's sitting down with Jimmy Fallon and Robert De Niro. I love the Amish the best.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I've been watching a lot of YouTube videos about Amish people recently. That's crazy. And also lank. I mean, that's like, man, they throw two dirt bags from the Philadelphia area. So Lancaster. That's like.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Crazy.

[H. Foley]

They throw out a buffet up there near Dutch Wonderland. That'll blow.

[Kevin Ryan]

The world's largest buffet is out there.

[John Crist]

Yeah. A lot of baked goods. Well, you know, the. The. The Mormons, they're the ones that don't do caffeine.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes. Salt Lake City can't get a cup of coffee.

[John Crist]

Can't do caffeine. So but we. I said if. If the. If the religion. Because they updated, they're like, all right, we got to include black people. Like back in the 70s, which is very.

[Kevin Ryan]

There's no black Amish.

[John Crist]

No. This is Mormons.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay. There was no black Mormons.

[John Crist]

Yeah. So they're like, no caffeine. You could tell. It's kind of. The rules were kind of created on the go because it really should be no sugar.

[Kevin Ryan]

Gotcha.

[John Crist]

Right?

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure. That makes sense.

[John Crist]

Because they were like, no caffeine. But back in the member. The 80s, like, caffeine was like, you have a Dr. Pepper before bed, and you know what you're going to dream about.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[John Crist]

And now it should they. If they're updating the Mormons, should be because sugar. We grew up. Sugar is great.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hey, look at us. Yeah.

[John Crist]

No one ever. No one. When I was growing up, no one ever had a problem. No one ever was like, watch the sugar.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[John Crist]

Never.

[Kevin Ryan]

No.

[John Crist]

We have pixie sticks, dude.

[Kevin Ryan]

I know. Shout out to them. We still got them here if you need any. We're not Amish.

[H. Foley]

The candy that people in. You get rid of the sugar. You're trying to explain this to them. They're all just staring at you.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right. Wow.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Okay, so how are you able to go back?

[John Crist]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

Because your grandparents were obviously in.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

In. In the church.

[Kevin Ryan]

So they weren't shunned. That's not necessarily shunned or they were.

[John Crist]

No, they left. They left the Amish church.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay. So there's. There's still an olive branch between them and the community.

[John Crist]

They still hang.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Whose house do you stay at when you guys go back there for Christmas?

[John Crist]

Stay in a hotel. So there's a place called. This is going to blow your mind. But there's a place out north of Sarasota. You look it up.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sarasota, New York.

[John Crist]

Sarasota, Florida. It's called Pine Craft. It's like Amish. I don't know what. Any way to describe. It's Amish Las Vegas. I know. This is. This is my life, you guys. No, I'm just joking.

[Kevin Ryan]

This is crazy.

[John Crist]

So Amish. So down. So every. You have to join the Amish church.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[John Crist]

Okay. So you're. You're. You pretty much report to your, you know, Christianity. You can kind of just be out here.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're hanging.

[John Crist]

Yeah. Yeah. There's no account.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm in, I'm out.

[John Crist]

Maybe. Maybe church you go to. I watch online. There's not a lot of rules. The Amish communities are very close knit. So you are in charge of the pastor you report to. So the. That's the Florida bishop is kind of. It's like spring break bishop. He's kind of chill.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, he's like a summer school teacher.

[John Crist]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they have bikes. No cars. They have bikes with electric motors though. I know.

[H. Foley]

Wait, so that's where you go at Christmas? You don't go.

[John Crist]

You don't. We go to Pinecraft, Lancaster. We used to go to. For like my first 30 years of life. Now we. Now we go to the spring break.

[H. Foley]

And when you would go to Lancaster, where would you stay at like one of your cousin's house?

[John Crist]

Hotel.

[H. Foley]

You'd still stay at a hotel. So you weren't staying in the house with no electricity?

[John Crist]

No, no, we don't go in that. No. We can. Well, my parents broke it with. My parents aren't with that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[John Crist]

We wouldn't. They wouldn't do that.

[H. Foley]

Well, who do you go and visit up there?

[John Crist]

Just the community. So at some cousins, all the people.

[H. Foley]

Where are you doing that?

[John Crist]

Making leather belts and stuff like that.

[H. Foley]

Where are you doing that at? Like their house.

[John Crist]

They're all around the community. We go visit them.

[H. Foley]

Nice.

[John Crist]

See what they're up to.

[H. Foley]

What's that? Like, what's an Amish Christmas? Probably pretty.

[John Crist]

Homie, they don't celebrate Christmas.

[Kevin Ryan]

No devils.

[John Crist]

They don't have Christmas.

[H. Foley]

Oh, there's no Christmas tree and like, you know, apple pies and.

[John Crist]

No.

[H. Foley]

Probably ham and all that stuff.

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, food with you. They don't have sherbert or.

[John Crist]

Hey, hey.

[H. Foley]

So you just do that at that time. Do you guys celebrate Christmas?

[John Crist]

Yeah, we do, but my ex cousins.

[H. Foley]

Don'T because up there don't.

[John Crist]

Yeah, they. Everybody kind of broke away and they decide what they.

[Kevin Ryan]

What they do and what they don't do.

[H. Foley]

They don't do Halloween up in the.

[John Crist]

No, we don't do Halloween.

[H. Foley]

You don't do.

[John Crist]

My family don't do Halloween. Which I have a joke in my show. It's like, how can we leave the. Believe in this God of the universe. It's almighty, all powerful. Then the six year old puts on an Elsa dress. He's like, man, nothing I can do.

[H. Foley]

We lost her to get a Snickers.

[John Crist]

Yeah, we lost her.

[H. Foley]

Holy wow. Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

This might be the first Amish bloodline, Right?

[John Crist]

We have a lot of pressure.

[H. Foley]

An Italian guy once.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

All right, so let's back this up.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm baffled. All right, so. Oh, but you Specifically, grew up in Georgia. Right.

[John Crist]

My dad moved to Georgia to start a. In essence, called the Atlanta Vineyard. A Pentecostal church.

[H. Foley]

Started his own church.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Nice.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

And a kid. Where do you fall in the eight kids?

[John Crist]

Third.

[Kevin Ryan]

Your third oldest?

[John Crist]

Yeah. They're from the top.

[Kevin Ryan]

How many boys? How many girls?

[John Crist]

Five boys, three girls, five boys, three girls.

[H. Foley]

Where'd your dad meet your mom?

[John Crist]

At Mennonite College.

[H. Foley]

Really?

[John Crist]

Goshen College.

[H. Foley]

She was Mennonite, too.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

New York.

[John Crist]

Goshen, Indiana.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm missing.

[John Crist]

What? There's a Sarasota, New York.

[Kevin Ryan]

Atlanta, Utah.

[John Crist]

I never heard of this place.

[H. Foley]

There's a Saratoga.

[Kevin Ryan]

Stop taking it.

[H. Foley]

A racetrack.

[Kevin Ryan]

These cans are all up. Luke's got my cane.

[John Crist]

Sarah, say the last. I got it.

[H. Foley]

I'll take Mennonite derby.

[Kevin Ryan]

Listen, you're Amish. You can't be judging me. Take that with a grain of salt or a bale of hay, whatever.

[H. Foley]

You guys put on a Halloween mask and scare the shit out of me.

[Kevin Ryan]

Always got, dude.

[H. Foley]

All right.

[Kevin Ryan]

Fun of me.

[John Crist]

The Amish. There's the big Amish community in Shipshewana, Indiana. That's the real name of the city. There's 650 people that live there. There's. There's a Blue Gate Theater. I. Every year I go there, I sell 7,000 tickets.

[Kevin Ryan]

Really?

[John Crist]

I wish I could sell a ticket in New York City.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure, yeah.

[John Crist]

But Shipshewana.

[H. Foley]

Wait, do you have a big Amish following?

[John Crist]

Like a very, like, conservative, like, Christian following?

[Kevin Ryan]

Amish adjacent? Maybe?

[John Crist]

Yeah, that. They kind of like. They. They're like. Our. Our buddy down the street has Netflix. That's kind of my.

[H. Foley]

Gotcha. That's awesome.

[John Crist]

We're not gonna. We still go to church, but, like, have you heard this cardi B. Sure.

[H. Foley]

Modernized.

[John Crist]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I like the time.

[H. Foley]

I like that.

[John Crist]

Yeah. Because my parents, we. We were homeschooled because they didn't want us to learn about evolution.

[H. Foley]

No kidding.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, I. Listen, I went to public school. I don't ever remember anybody. Do we really learn about evolution?

[H. Foley]

A couple of weeks, I think.

[Kevin Ryan]

Really?

[H. Foley]

I just remember the diagram of the toad, the monkey walking in, and all of a sudden it was a dude.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't.

[H. Foley]

I mean, that's enough, right?

[Kevin Ryan]

Enough to get.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right.

[John Crist]

I'm with too much. Dude. He's gone. We left him. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

So your mom did the teaching?

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Now, how was that conducted? So, wait, what's the. What's the full span between the youngest and the oldest?

[John Crist]

All right, so I'm 41, my oldest brother's 45. The youngest is probably 25. So it was every two years for 16 years. So my mom was either pregnant or breastfeeding for 16 years.

[H. Foley]

So how many kids are in your class, would you say, as you're coming up at the most, you know what I mean? Like, how many kids was your mom sent in school?

[John Crist]

Oh, my four brothers. I've been about four. But the different grades.

[H. Foley]

Right.

[John Crist]

They still have, I think, but that my. Your brother would write a message in like the, you know, chapter eight, and then two years later you'd get the book.

[H. Foley]

You had textbooks?

[John Crist]

Yeah, they're like Christian again. It'd be like if Jesus had five loaves and two fish. He gave three loaves away. How many? Like all the math was taught in the Bible.

[H. Foley]

They always made those loaves of bread look so good. Yeah, I don't know what it was.

[Kevin Ryan]

The Jews kill your savior. How many?

[John Crist]

How many do you have left?

[H. Foley]

Holy shit. For question one, gang, this is an ad by BetterHelp. You know, we're big on the mental health journey over here.

[Kevin Ryan]

Some of us are.

[H. Foley]

Some of us are.

[Kevin Ryan]

Uh huh.

[H. Foley]

I'm not crazy. Not no more.

[Kevin Ryan]

Not with better. Not because you got better health.

[H. Foley]

That's right. But you know what? There's a lot of stigmas involved with men taking their mental health seriously.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, is there? Pitch man.

[H. Foley]

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[Kevin Ryan]

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[H. Foley]

Yep.

[Kevin Ryan]

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[H. Foley]

Do it. Yeah. Okay, let's talk about factor.

[Kevin Ryan]

Shout out to factor.

[H. Foley]

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[Kevin Ryan]

Uh huh.

[H. Foley]

Losing weight. You're killing it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Thank you.

[H. Foley]

All right, I'm taking steps.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[H. Foley]

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[Kevin Ryan]

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[H. Foley]

We ain't selling you. These babies sell themselves.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm going, I'm going to get pizza and I go, you know, don't stop and get pizza. I got a factor at the house. It'll be ready in two minutes. I throw it on the pan, shoot. I got to shredded taco bowl in the gullet with a water. I'm out the door.

[H. Foley]

Let's go.

[Kevin Ryan]

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[H. Foley]

So you did that all the way through high school?

[John Crist]

I went to my mom when she had the eighth kid. She kind of went into like a depressed. Like this is which I would have had that after too. Like she was like, she went into postpartum. And then we. They sent us to private school.

[H. Foley]

Private school?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, private school. There's an asterisk on this private school. Sweater vested.

[John Crist]

Oh, Christian school. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I should have just that. Christians.

[H. Foley]

How old were you when that happened?

[John Crist]

Eighth grade.

[H. Foley]

Eighth grade. And so you got to do high school pretty regularly.

[John Crist]

Yeah, once a. Once a. Yeah, Five days a week, right? Yeah. Eighth. I went to high school.

[Kevin Ryan]

It was a regular experience, you're saying?

[John Crist]

I mean, it was Regularly means you still had to tuck your shirt in. We still had to say the pledge of allegiance and memorize Bible scriptures and stuff.

[H. Foley]

We did the pledge of allegiance, I think.

[John Crist]

Oh, that's Everybody?

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[John Crist]

Is that everybody? Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm no commie. You know what I mean? We all red blooded American here.

[H. Foley]

I like a candy corn. I'm not the devil.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay. And how big was this house?

[John Crist]

I feel like you guys are like investigators.

[Kevin Ryan]

Listen, you're trash. You're trash. But there's no. This is mostly scientific.

[John Crist]

Oh, I. The jury's not out anymore.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, no, no, no. They delete. They came back in three minutes. They.

[John Crist]

Peter in the be like, I'm trying to convince the last witness, but you're already.

[Kevin Ryan]

I. Dude, the way you look and dress and I figure outside Vegas or something, he was born. You know what I mean? He grew up off the strip.

[John Crist]

That's worse.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's got a good table. I mean, you're put to get the good teeth and everything.

[John Crist]

Oh, yeah. I don't know how to milk.

[H. Foley]

Kids. All vitamin D. Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right. So how big was the house? How many bedrooms was this house?

[John Crist]

It was a. It was a refurbished.

[Kevin Ryan]

You don't refurbish a house. You refurbish a cell phone.

[John Crist]

It's a refurbished train station.

[Kevin Ryan]

What's living in Port Authority?

[H. Foley]

Did the train still come?

[John Crist]

Oh, I mean, it's. It's right next to the train track. It doesn't stop there though, anymore.

[Kevin Ryan]

You grew up next to the train tracks?

[John Crist]

I've never verbalized any of this out loud, but it just sounded.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's all I would do. I would walk into every room and go. I grew up next to the train track.

[John Crist]

I did. Yeah. A train would go by at night all the time.

[H. Foley]

We're talking. We talking a train.

[John Crist]

I don't know what kind of trains, though.

[H. Foley]

It's not a commuter. It was like. Like a coal car.

[John Crist]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

There's not people waiting outside the bedroom to catch the. To catch the 603 to work.

[H. Foley]

Should be by in a minute.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's been running late all week.

[H. Foley]

What else was in the neighborhood?

[John Crist]

No, there was this place. It was a candy store, a clock shop.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's like any town usa.

[John Crist]

Yeah. Small, Small town. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Your dad's church?

[John Crist]

No, we would. Another city. We on the other. We weren't in the same city. I mean. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right. So. All right, hold on.

[H. Foley]

Did your dad build this church?

[John Crist]

He started it. Yeah. Like build the building?

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[John Crist]

No, he didn't. I think we bought. We. It was in a strip mall.

[Kevin Ryan]

What?

[John Crist]

You know, churches now are like old. Like, you know those cool pastors. You ever seen those, like, cool. Justin Bieber's pastors? Sure.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[John Crist]

They Meet in like, in like converted home.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, I know.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[John Crist]

Churches aren't like old school. Churches aren't cool.

[Kevin Ryan]

For sure. It's not like, like an ornate Catholic.

[H. Foley]

Would your dad lean more Joel Osteen than, like, what I'm thinking of as like a pastor in like, a small town church.

[John Crist]

No, he would. I mean, we would do a lot of. This isn't going to help me my cause. But you like, speaking in tongues. You know what that is? Like, if you pray for someone, they fall over because the Holy Spirit.

[Kevin Ryan]

Of course.

[John Crist]

Yeah. They put a blanket over you.

[H. Foley]

No kidding, man. Where were you?

[Kevin Ryan]

I gotta go to church after this.

[H. Foley]

Where were you baptized? Were you baptized in like a river or something like that?

[John Crist]

I was baptized. I was baptized at us. Well, we once. We grew out of the strip mall. We split a church. We rented a church from a Seventh Day Adventist. Because if you don't know anything about them, they meet on Saturday. They believe the Sabbath is Saturday.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sunday.

[John Crist]

Yeah. So we're just like. We'll just.

[Kevin Ryan]

Church timeshare.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Did you guys have baptism?

[John Crist]

That's where we had a baptism. I got baptized at the Seventh Day Adventist Church.

[Kevin Ryan]

What was the body of water? Was it like water? Yeah, but was it like. Like, it was like a pool? A tub?

[John Crist]

Yeah, it was like. It was like a pool up behind the stage and it's like elevated behind it.

[Kevin Ryan]

So it was in the church. It wasn't like.

[John Crist]

Oh, not like in a river.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

When do you. When do you do that in your. In your religion? When do you get back? Not when you're a baby.

[John Crist]

No. I was nine.

[H. Foley]

No kidding?

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Was that a powerful experience? I imagine it would have to be.

[John Crist]

Yep. So I remember cold. My dad. So he's like. You ever heard of, like, someone getting, like, saved or, like, converted?

[H. Foley]

Yeah, sure.

[John Crist]

All right. So he kind of draws out this, like. Basically like. He's like, God is here. Humans are sinful. They're here. There's a chasm or a canyon in the middle. The cross of Jesus was like, kind of. So you can. You can be with God. He kind of drew it out on the 2 by 4 while he was doing construction.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[John Crist]

I only say that because that's how I accepted Christ and I. They still have the two by four, but you saw.

[Kevin Ryan]

He explained it to you. Written on a 2x4 when he was doing construction. And that's what I got.

[John Crist]

Seen that. I would like to do that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Whoa.

[H. Foley]

That's awesome. I feel like you feel that. I don't remember anything.

[John Crist]

I was a baby, but it was. It what? What? Oh, they just blessed you or something?

[H. Foley]

Yeah, it's Catholic church.

[John Crist]

Yeah, it was like. It was like a. You kind of can't be saved before the. Well, everybody has the different age of accountability. Some say it's six or something like that. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[John Crist]

So you can't make a decision on your. Your. The eternal life at.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hey, you're telling me you're making. Wait so you.

[H. Foley]

You make the decision. You say, I want to be saved.

[John Crist]

You have to. The Bible says you have to profess with your mouth and believe in your heart.

[H. Foley]

Do you guys have a party afterwards? Little something.

[John Crist]

You went to a Mexican restaurant? Yeah. I have a joke in my show now.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's like, I can't get a reason in a train station. He's going to church at his trip mall, and he's hanging out a Mexican joint after his baptism. Craziest guy I've ever met.

[H. Foley]

I just picture you sitting there, soaking wet, eating chips and salsa.

[Kevin Ryan]

Seats all wet.

[John Crist]

They have towels for you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

And what. So what did they. What did your dad move into after you? How big's the congregation?

[Kevin Ryan]

We have to get back to the train station.

[H. Foley]

I know.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's crazy.

[H. Foley]

This is fast.

[John Crist]

Converted train station, which my parents bought for, like, $25,000.

[H. Foley]

Probably. Beautiful. I would assume.

[John Crist]

What's re. It's redone now. Yeah, it's in. Yeah. Lilburn, Georgia. It's like the. The kind of the city center or whatever.

[Kevin Ryan]

The train station.

[John Crist]

Yeah. People come on, like, tours of our house. Like a Victoria Victorian home tours.

[Kevin Ryan]

Can I find it?

[John Crist]

Probably.

[H. Foley]

That's probably nice. Is your dad handy?

[John Crist]

Yeah, he builds everything.

[H. Foley]

No.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

So what did you guys move into after the strip mall?

[John Crist]

Then we went to a. It's now it was in, like, a building. A racquetball court.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wait, did you say a racquetball court?

[John Crist]

Oh, yeah. Racquetball court.

[Kevin Ryan]

I zoom. I tuned out for a second. We're at a racquetball court in church now. That's it.

[H. Foley]

Wow. That's beautiful. Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

That looks like a hat.

[H. Foley]

Did he do all that?

[John Crist]

Yeah, he did brick work. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

That's gorgeous.

[John Crist]

American flag, maybe. Is that good or bad? Does that go?

[Kevin Ryan]

That's a classic. Beautiful home.

[John Crist]

Does that help me or. No. American flag. No. Yeah. That's good.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. You got a sign? That's clay.

[John Crist]

Yes.

[H. Foley]

Real class. That's a nice spot right there.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

And I'm sure the property van. That's gone up.

[John Crist]

Way up. Okay. Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right.

[John Crist]

Oh, yeah. Here we go. Here we go. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

So your dad did okay. Your dad was doing okay.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

How big is the congregation now?

[John Crist]

Well, he. He left to become the mayor of the city. Why did you open with that? Shoot. He's the mayor of Lilburn, Georgia.

[H. Foley]

Are you kidding? That is.

[John Crist]

Yeah. He left. Yeah. Holy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Dude, I've said it a bunch about other guests, but I cannot get a read on this guy. Your dad is all over the place.

[John Crist]

He left the. Being the preacher to become the mayor.

[H. Foley]

Holy.

[John Crist]

The mayor of Lilburn, Georgia. Johnny Crist.

[H. Foley]

That's a Johnny. Vote for Johnny Crisp.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

How could you not.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

You're crazy. He's got the railroad house plus eight goons running around.

[John Crist]

Yeah. All of varying degrees of, you know, success.

[Kevin Ryan]

What are some of the other professions that the. The brothers and sisters do?

[John Crist]

Okay. School teacher in there. Well, we got a pastor.

[Kevin Ryan]

You had another pastor?

[John Crist]

Pastor. We got a guy. A guy that worked. Two guys work in finance.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay. Pretty good.

[John Crist]

Yeah. One's builds homes.

[H. Foley]

Nice.

[John Crist]

And one works in real estate. I'm a comedian.

[Kevin Ryan]

Look at that. That's a good family. That's a sharp, good family.

[John Crist]

If you. If you had asked my dad, he would say, scoreboard. He's like. My kids are. Look at him. They're all successful. Killing it, you know? Yeah.

[H. Foley]

He's the mayor.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's the man that's coming from.

[H. Foley]

How long's he been.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's a guy you can trust.

[John Crist]

Well, I went to rehab in 2009.

[H. Foley]

Goddamn train running by the house every night. Who's not gonna have a drink?

[Kevin Ryan]

I'd be a little on edge, too.

[John Crist]

Other than that. Yeah. The blemish on the record.

[H. Foley]

Did you go to college?

[John Crist]

I went to Sanford University on a. Walked onto the tennis team.

[H. Foley]

Get the. Had you ever played tennis before?

[John Crist]

Yeah, I played all. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

I don't know, Chris, man.

[John Crist]

That's not how that works.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's sitting there one day, he picks it up, he goes, feel the power of Christ. And just walks out, starts acing it.

[John Crist]

I'm going to college with it. It's gonna take me everywhere. Where were you playing tennis at the. The Lilburn City park is right across the street from the house. Because of the train station, we. That all they had was tennis courts, so we just played there.

[H. Foley]

No kidding.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

You got good enough to get a. You walk on.

[John Crist]

Yeah, well, I didn't have any. I didn't have anything else to do. I just played all day.

[Kevin Ryan]

Was there a TV in the home?

[John Crist]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

No tv?

[John Crist]

No tv? No.

[Kevin Ryan]

What was like the what was the entertainment? Just books and stuff.

[John Crist]

Like, we would listen to the radio.

[Kevin Ryan]

Listen to the radio?

[John Crist]

Yeah. The Christian radio. 91.5. Yeah. W125. We would. So they would. Like. In 1991, the Braves were in the world Series, and my dad rented a tv. Whoa. And we would watch the games. But, oh, when the. When the game was not on, we'd put a. My dad would put a black trash bag over that he didn't want.

[Kevin Ryan]

Is that signals. That radio.

[John Crist]

Is that just outside influences?

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[John Crist]

You know, coming into the. We're not allowed to turn it on until the game.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wow.

[John Crist]

It was very, like, in a lot of. A lot of. You see a lot of that today and, like, very. You know how everybody's like, the. The. The drag queens are going to read books to the kids. Like, is that really happening? We're not sure, but they're terrified of it.

[H. Foley]

Gotcha.

[John Crist]

The right. Is. Is that fair to say?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Yeah. So your dad was more of like, the idea of this happening, it's terrifying.

[John Crist]

Yeah. Everybody like. Like, very. We. My mom, they decided the. Somebody told them the more Christians, the more kids you have, the more you could populate the earth with Christians.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. I mean, my mom's Irish Catholic. My mom's one of nine.

[John Crist]

I like how everything else was objectionary. And I say that and you're like, well, that lines up. Yeah. You go that.

[Kevin Ryan]

These old. These old world people are crazy.

[John Crist]

That I buy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Was Ward of bad pullout game.

[H. Foley]

Forgot to stop at the pharmacy. Wait, so. All right.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. I just need. I need a minute. Let's all go. Let's go catch a smoker.

[H. Foley]

Hold on. Your brothers are in financial, so you guys must have been good in school when you got to. Did everybody eventually go to a regular high school?

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Okay. Did you do good in high school? Were you a good student?

[John Crist]

No.

[H. Foley]

Really?

[John Crist]

My brothers were. But, like, I think a lot of. I have like a. Like a. Whatever you call. Not a. I had a learning disability. I went because they were like, take the test. We don't know what grade this guy's in. We never. The system had never seen me.

[H. Foley]

This guy's 38 years old.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's like, Alf. They don't know what to do. So they told a tuna bit.

[H. Foley]

Why is he like that?

[Kevin Ryan]

They've never seen anything like him. They don't know what grade he's in. He's like the Kempe Mutumba. They know how old he is.

[John Crist]

Who is. Remember? Yeah. So they. They go, well, you have to. To Take this test to see what grade you're going to be in. So then I show up, and then I'm making friends with these kids. Yeah, I'm making friends with all these kids. And, like, sixth grade, I have this, like, on the other wing, this class where you, like, playing memory and, like, say shapes and, like, triangles. I'm like, does anyone else have this clap? They're like, we never heard of that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Anybody else in shapes and sounds?

[John Crist]

Yeah, it's like in the. It's in the. It's in, like, the elementary building. And I. That I found out, like, after I graduated that I had a learning disability that no one told me about. And they're like, you just. They're just like, go sixth period. Just go up to Ms. Nor Lahi and she's gonna teach you about triangles. And, like, if you rotate a triangle, when does it matter?

[H. Foley]

Like, did you ace that class?

[John Crist]

I think they got my brain up to where it was supposed to be.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[John Crist]

I was never ahead, but I was. I could survive, huh? Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Growing up, you guys, I would assume, sit down, have dinner together every night. Your mom's cooking every night. How was she in the kitchen?

[John Crist]

Aces, bro. Lights out.

[Kevin Ryan]

What was it? What was your favorite? That she did lights out.

[John Crist]

And the roast beef was unbelievable.

[H. Foley]

Would she make, like, biscuits and stuff like that?

[John Crist]

From, like. Dude, she had a. My dad got her a wheat grinder. Whoa. To like, you know how, like, somebody, like, makes a muffin, but, like. Yeah, you made it from the thing. What did the box make it from? And what did they make? It's like starting with grain. Really can make bread.

[H. Foley]

That's awesome. So it was homey. Loving home, would you say?

[John Crist]

Yeah. I mean, there wasn't numbers wise. There wasn't enough love.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[John Crist]

Just time wise to go around for everybody. So that's probably why.

[Kevin Ryan]

What a very diplomatic, very mayoral way to say that. I would say.

[H. Foley]

But everybody. Everybody was on board. It was. It was. It was cozy. It was homey.

[John Crist]

Yo. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And your brothers are, like, kind of your best friend.

[H. Foley]

Sure. You guys are out running around playing tennis, football, all that kind of stuff.

[Kevin Ryan]

Does anybody not talk to each other?

[John Crist]

Everybody's friends. Yeah. And everybody's kind of different. We. I have a lot of jokes in my act about the family group text. Because everybody's married to a regular person or like a. Yeah. An outsider. And we're not.

[Kevin Ryan]

Whoa.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

When did you just call outside?

[John Crist]

No, no, no.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like, I'm some sort of freak.

[H. Foley]

You're looking for is heathens.

[Kevin Ryan]

I Grew up in a normal house.

[John Crist]

Regular. A regular person. Yeah. Yeah. So everybody. Everybody, I think has had this. That you. That they go. And it's just shot. The in laws are chatting. They're like the.

[Kevin Ryan]

Chris, they're nuts. Are nuts. Yeah. Have you guys. They're going, have you the ones thought.

[H. Foley]

I have those muffins. And they shut the up.

[Kevin Ryan]

The one won't go near the microwave. It's great. You're like, whatever.

[John Crist]

Yeah. Like there's a lot of. Like, obviously my parents are a lot of a. Vaccines. Because they don't. Because the Amish don't believe in health care. They're like, if. If God, it's God's will, you know, like the.

[H. Foley]

So what'd you do when you got sick as a kid? Wrote it out.

[John Crist]

Wrote it out.

[H. Foley]

Damn.

[John Crist]

And my brother, we were playing something in the park one time and I need him in the temple. And he was down. Laid down for hours.

[Kevin Ryan]

That'll take you down.

[John Crist]

Laid down. And we couldn't. And my mom was like, drink some Sprite.

[Kevin Ryan]

Get that sugar in your boy.

[John Crist]

Yeah. And so four. It was probably five days. He literally couldn't get up. He couldn't get up. And finally, reluctantly, we laugh about it now, but they took him to the hospital and they were like, if you had to come in here another.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, his brain swell.

[John Crist]

He was swelling with blood. His brain was. He has a giant scar all the way down here. Because it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Open him up or whatever.

[John Crist]

Yeah. Drain his. Drain the blood from his head. Because that. We're like, we don't. It's the. God created. I'm not joking. God created. Like there's a lot of Pentecostal churches that handle snakes. Poisonous snakes. You know, people have done documentaries. Right, Right. We believe that if God. If you get bitten. I don't believe this.

[Kevin Ryan]

You don't have any snakes on here right now.

[John Crist]

No, no, no, no. That. It's God's will. You showing faith by handling these snake. I don't believe that.

[Kevin Ryan]

But that's logical to me.

[H. Foley]

Snake bite you. That means you're a bad person.

[John Crist]

No, that means. Yeah, that was God's word.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're going, I trust God not to hurt. Hurt me.

[John Crist]

And I'm gonna go into. I'm going to a better place anyway. I. I'm not on board with that.

[Kevin Ryan]

I can draw that line.

[John Crist]

You know how they.

[H. Foley]

I wouldn't pass the snake test.

[John Crist]

I don't think you know how they.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wouldn'T pass the triangle test. Just bring it back.

[John Crist]

You know how the Mormons do, like, soaking and stuff like that. You've heard of that?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[John Crist]

Okay. We don't.

[Kevin Ryan]

Soaking, the sex thing. Yeah. Okay. Weirdo. I don't know why you said it like that, where you just put it in and you're not a lot of. Technically not sex.

[H. Foley]

And then you get.

[Kevin Ryan]

You. You guess they have someone to work your hips. Is that true or is that a myth?

[John Crist]

Somebody under the bed.

[Kevin Ryan]

I hear that they call it like a thruster.

[John Crist]

Well, I say. I. I say in jest about other sex or denominations that are more extreme, but we're kind of with the. You know what I'm saying? Like, we don't do that. But virginity is very important. Yeah. And then so they were like, that's a loophole, which is. You know. Does that make sense? I like loopholes. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Bad.

[John Crist]

So you can see you're like, the snake handling. That doesn't really make any sense. But you're like, one or two before that is like, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Where's your line?

[John Crist]

We believe that if that God is. But then I believe, like, well, you should take some Tylenol if you're. But very. Nobody would do, like, an antidepressant or.

[H. Foley]

And how are your parents as far as you expanding? Like, you coming up with your own way to live? Like you?

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Are they well with that?

[John Crist]

Well, I started doing comedy for the first, like, 10 years in church.

[H. Foley]

Gotcha.

[Kevin Ryan]

A lot of those. A lot of you Southern guys do that.

[John Crist]

Yeah, I was like. I was just doing the churches probably done it.

[Kevin Ryan]

By the way, Southern guys are killing it right now. You guys are. You guys are on one.

[John Crist]

Nate, Dusty's been through here. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

When's the first time you saw tv? Like, when's the last time you. So you didn't grow up watching. Watching, like, sitcoms or anything like that?

[John Crist]

Never. No, we didn't. Anything like Rugrats or that was all like, Caillou. He was, like, you know, mean to his parents. Like, all. All that we. We saw.

[H. Foley]

Like, would you see this at your friend's house?

[John Crist]

Yeah, like a friends. We would go over for dinner, and they would be like, we. The Disney movies. I remember, like, seeing the Lion King and you're like, what?

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[John Crist]

This is unreal.

[Kevin Ryan]

So were you tv? Were you. He's there with snakes. They're your friends. So your friends were. Obviously. They wouldn't be like, like me. They were also still more religious and conservative. What are you, a dirt bag? You know what I mean? Like, you were. You weren't coming over, and we weren't Stealing my dad's smokes or whatever.

[John Crist]

No, no, no, no.

[Kevin Ryan]

So, like, they were still more reserved, but they were still Christian. They were still Christian based.

[John Crist]

They maybe went church. Of course, like. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, they. They go. They had, you know, TVs, but. Yes, but it was very limited.

[Kevin Ryan]

But they even. That had.

[John Crist]

What? No. What we were allowed to, like, if the parents were eating dinner. What's going on in here, what movie?

[H. Foley]

Your mom. Your mom and dad want to know.

[John Crist]

Yeah, everything. Because they want to kind of.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Keep the. Keep the reins. Yeah, I get that. Okay.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

When was the first time you saw porno?

[John Crist]

Dude, I saw.

[Kevin Ryan]

Why did you whisper it?

[John Crist]

Yeah, I saw. Me and my brother were riding bikes at this place called the Mud Flats, where like, it was like a. We ride bikes down there all the time. And we. I wear. Wrote. There was a ditch. I never forget this. And there was a Playboy open. And I never. I mean, I had to been later than other 10.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[John Crist]

And we. Me and my brother Joe, we looked at it and we knew we shouldn't.

[Kevin Ryan]

Lord, save me.

[John Crist]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[H. Foley]

We knew we were out.

[John Crist]

We knew, bro. And that Rum Springer. Oh, yeah, we knew. But then I. I'm like every other. I'm still a human. Like, I remember laying in bed that night and trying to figure out a situation where I could get back there.

[H. Foley]

And get your hands on it.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Go back telling. Were you planning on telling your brother not to. No, no, no.

[John Crist]

I got to go. Hey, I got to go. Like, try to organize a situation where.

[Kevin Ryan]

You going to go get there on your own?

[H. Foley]

Yeah, I left my gun back.

[Kevin Ryan]

Going to go baptize myself.

[H. Foley]

Whoa.

[Kevin Ryan]

Huh.

[H. Foley]

Man, College was someone.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sorry, one second. Okay, yeah, go. No, college was.

[H. Foley]

When do you start getting out into the world?

[Kevin Ryan]

Is that a religious college?

[John Crist]

It was Christian.

[Kevin Ryan]

Christian.

[John Crist]

Christian college where we had like. I mean, then we had Stanford University, but there was like a proxy on the. You couldn't just look up whatever you wanted on the Internet. I mean, this is 2002. But they had filters on the Internet.

[H. Foley]

Damn.

[John Crist]

So you couldn't type in like, boobs or something. They would be like. And then somebody would. Hey, you can't be doing that.

[H. Foley]

No.

[John Crist]

Yeah. People get in trouble for that all the time.

[H. Foley]

Holy cow. They know.

[John Crist]

So then if with the Earth. The Internet was different back then because there was like a prop. You had to enter this like, secret website to get around.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

My man. Loopholes.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, but people are always Johnny Lucas.

[John Crist]

Oh, yeah.

[H. Foley]

Mud flaps and loopholes.

[Kevin Ryan]

Mud flats. Mud Flats. Mud flaps is a fucking flats.

[John Crist]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Go down to mud flaps.

[H. Foley]

All right.

[Kevin Ryan]

Now, what do you. Would you. What's your relationship with medicine now? How do you feel about it?

[John Crist]

Yeah, I think if you're going to. If you're going to break your wrist and you're going to put it in a sling, people's brains are. The chemicals aren't firing. Right. And then you're just like, let's give you some so we can fire them. Right. And people are on their feet. I got no problem with an antidepressant.

[H. Foley]

What'd you go to rehab for?

[John Crist]

Alcohol.

[H. Foley]

Okay. So you're. You off the booze now.

[John Crist]

You're five years sober.

[Kevin Ryan]

Congratulations.

[John Crist]

Because of the Lord. Well, I always argued the Lord might have got me there, but he also got me out.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. What is that? I guess. What. What is that?

[John Crist]

It's a joke. But, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Where does. Where does the logic fall on that.

[John Crist]

Of where does he.

[Kevin Ryan]

So, like, is it that you didn't follow his plan and started drinking?

[John Crist]

Well, what happened was. So I started. I never touched alcohol till I was, like, 30. Whoa. I never. And.

[Kevin Ryan]

And I feel you got to start younger. Yeah, I started young. And all my buddies that didn't do anything until later, they didn't go after me.

[H. Foley]

I started young, and I ended up in a bad spot.

[Kevin Ryan]

But you're still in a bad spot. We gotta save you something.

[John Crist]

He's like, I think there was a lot of. In terms of sheltered. Very sheltered. Don't. Don't show him anything of the world. Don't. Don't. But we're like. We're all. We're gonna. The. The flip side is, like, we're gonna learn. We're gonna see. You're gonna figure out masturbation, right. At some point, whether you tell us about it.

[Kevin Ryan]

I went to rehab for that or alcohol.

[John Crist]

And then I. I started becoming, like, very popular in Christian circles.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's how I remember getting exposed to you.

[John Crist]

And then I had to, like, kind of. It was so stressful, and everybody knew me. And then I started, like, having a kind of, like a secret life, because I was so.

[Kevin Ryan]

You didn't want that stuff public.

[John Crist]

And then everybody. And then the shame of church. That's what we joke about. You go to church to try to get rid of the shame. But the. But the religion also gave you the shame, causes your shame. Yeah, it's a tricky.

[H. Foley]

You go to church. You still go to church now. You're very connected.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right.

[H. Foley]

Fascinating, wild story, man.

[John Crist]

What was the first job Chick Fil A. Whoa. We weren't allowed. It's Christian.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

No. Were you not allowed to work at like a pizza place or not?

[John Crist]

No. No. Because, dude, think about that. What you mean? Think about going. Think about your parents raising you and then you're just going to go to.

[Kevin Ryan]

Go work with you at a pizza.

[John Crist]

Yeah. These heathens out there, you don't know what they're.

[Kevin Ryan]

You'd be like, cigarettes are good, kid.

[H. Foley]

Wait. But they figured Chick Fil A was okay. Because they figured. He just saw that.

[John Crist]

This is unbelievable.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm lost in New York.

[H. Foley]

This new movie, My Cousin. Wait, so they figured Chick Fil A because it was Christian?

[John Crist]

Yeah, it's Christian. But think about if you like when we go to the. We go to the Amish community for Christmas for fun at night. Okay. They. They play shuffleboard. That's that. Yeah. And everybody kind of watches. That's like the. Everybody gathers around them, but they're not doing Christmas.

[H. Foley]

You just go up there at that time.

[John Crist]

Yeah. It's a holiday because the, the. The harvest, the seasons are switching.

[Kevin Ryan]

Can't be held down to it.

[H. Foley]

Wait for the 25th, celebrate Christmas. But there is a holiday around.

[John Crist]

Yeah. Because everybo been planted. And then if you're like. Let's say you're. You're making things. You still have to. You're selling them to the people that they're off.

[H. Foley]

Right.

[John Crist]

You know what I'm saying? So if you're a machinist that you're like, well, we sell our carts too, and they're off for the holidays. So we. They do holiday, they do vaccine.

[Kevin Ryan]

They deserve a time off.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, gotcha.

[John Crist]

But, but in terms of religion, if you go. These people, what do. What does somebody in New York need to do to. To get a little dopamine rush? They need to drink, smoke. Look up.

[Kevin Ryan]

Now we're talking.

[John Crist]

No drink, smoke, get with some girls, get on social media, go to a rave and like. And the Amish people just to get the same high, play shuffleboard. Aren't they winning?

[Kevin Ryan]

I listen. Yeah. I would argue it's like if you watch too much pornography.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Then start chasing the dragon. You get like. I'm desensitized to. I mean, if an Amish guy came and lived a day in the life of me, you'd be. He'd go nuts. You know what I mean?

[John Crist]

I would get quote high.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[John Crist]

Now by after. I would get some doordash and then gamble on the late coast. The late west coast NBA game after my show. Because I'm Kind of. You're still chasing to go chase, like.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like booze and stuff?

[John Crist]

Yeah, I don't do that anymore.

[Kevin Ryan]

What was the drink of choice?

[John Crist]

If you don't mind me, man, I would drink grapefruit. Deep Eddies.

[Kevin Ryan]

What the hell is a grape?

[H. Foley]

Is anything normal with you?

[Kevin Ryan]

That's what Moses drink.

[H. Foley]

Grape juice in the desert.

[Kevin Ryan]

Deep Eddie.

[John Crist]

Deep Eddies. You know what that is?

[H. Foley]

No, I find that it's just seven Up.

[Kevin Ryan]

Nothing on it. Oh, Deep Eddie is a brand.

[John Crist]

Yeah. Deep Eddie's vodka. Oh, Grapefruit Vodka.

[Kevin Ryan]

But I would just, like, Just straight or like, just straight.

[John Crist]

I never understood, like, socially. I was like, this feels awesome to get drunk.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, it's great.

[John Crist]

Yeah, it's awesome. Don't have to sell us on that.

[H. Foley]

Vodka. Grapefruit.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay, so let's say, you know, if you don't mind me jumping in here a little bit. What. What would that look like? You do a show and then have it after. Did anybody in the green. Were you hiding it in the green room?

[H. Foley]

It was like.

[John Crist]

We went on this. We went.

[H. Foley]

Who knew?

[John Crist]

Ah, Jesus the Lord.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, there you go.

[John Crist]

We went on this tour, this. This arena. This Christian arena tour. Guys are killing it called. It's called Winter Jam. So it was like. It was a bunch of bands. I was the comedian on it. And it was a dry tour. So you can't. Because of the witness. You don't want the Christian. You don't want them to see drinking.

[Kevin Ryan]

Of course. Yeah.

[John Crist]

So everyone would have to put it in, like another. I mean, they're all. We're all in our adults, 30s or whatever. Yeah. And then when someone tells you you can't do something, you want to do it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes.

[John Crist]

So it's all in, like, Gatorade, but. And then everybody. You've been in a. In a. In on tour bus. There's the bunk. So everybody's drinking alone, which is way worse.

[Kevin Ryan]

Which.

[John Crist]

That's how you become an alcoholic, because you can't drink socially. So everybody does it in private. Really? Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wow. Wild story.

[John Crist]

But it. But alcohol didn't really like. Because I. I came across it later.

[Kevin Ryan]

What was the first time, man, the.

[John Crist]

First time I ever drank? I was at this Christian camp.

[H. Foley]

Was it a vodka grapefruit?

[John Crist]

No, it was a beer.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[John Crist]

And they took. And I was 20. Late 20. They told me we couldn't drink. And I was like, no, I'm drinking because something told me I couldn't, which is. This makes no sense.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[John Crist]

Yeah. But I'm like, I'm getting around the rules.

[H. Foley]

Would your parents. Would your dad have wine?

[John Crist]

No, dude, my parents.

[H. Foley]

I didn't know because at the.

[Kevin Ryan]

Not.

[H. Foley]

Dude, they're not the blood of Christ.

[Kevin Ryan]

They're not guidos. They're not Guidos.

[John Crist]

Out in Sheepshead Bay, my parents went to. They. Somebody invited them over for dinner, and they had pasta sauce cooked in wine, and they went home. They said, we're not. We're not doing that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Guidos.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Can't have Penny all vodka.

[John Crist]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's nuts.

[John Crist]

But there are a lot of people that are. Are of the same denomination of Christianity that drink.

[H. Foley]

Gotcha.

[Kevin Ryan]

So and so. It's where you draw your line or, you know, whatever. Yeah.

[John Crist]

And it's hard to come down on anybody like all these. Every church is like, this is what we do.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[John Crist]

And then you're like, dude, like, my parents didn't really believe in, like, you know, birth control. Or they're just like, God is going to open and close the womb as he sees fit, man.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're. Sorry you're interested, but your parents are.

[H. Foley]

Okay with how you live your life? To a degree.

[John Crist]

Yeah. Yeah. They think, well, they're still kind of. Look at the neighbor they were still have like, you know, they. They would still talk, like. Yeah. They're like, still gossip about other people. So I kind of. Just saying these things out loud is like, dude, they think it's awesome.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense.

[John Crist]

But it's all. I wouldn't. I never, like, would cuss or anything in front of, you know, my show.

[H. Foley]

Oh, gotcha.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Southern guys play it straight. They really do.

[H. Foley]

No Crystal Light growing up.

[John Crist]

Who are all these other Southern guys?

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't know. You, Nate.

[John Crist]

Dusty.

[Kevin Ryan]

Dusty.

[H. Foley]

What were you drinking at dinner?

[Kevin Ryan]

The three wise men.

[John Crist]

Oh, sweet tea.

[H. Foley]

Sweet.

[John Crist]

Yeah. Because tea. Because sugar was.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[John Crist]

All systems go. No. Any soda?

[H. Foley]

Yeah, you'd love to have soda.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, that's a Sprite for the headaches later for the brain contusion.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Would your mom ever make Italian food? Like, would you have spaghetti and meatballs?

[John Crist]

Spaghetti. Yeah, spaghetti. Oh, yeah.

[H. Foley]

Would you guys go out to eat as a kid?

[John Crist]

Well, we. We. You got to think about. Everything's 10x, right? So we would get a. We would go to Taco Bell and after church and I never forget this. We would always. We want to go Taco Bell. Taco Bell. Beg for it. Beg for it. But kids never go out to eat because everything's. It's. It's a lot of money for 10 people.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[John Crist]

Yeah. So we would get he would get a. It was like a pyramid of soft tacos. Probably 30. And then one drink.

[H. Foley]

One drink?

[John Crist]

Yeah, just. Then whoever drank the last one, go fill it back up.

[H. Foley]

Oh, you don't share it.

[John Crist]

No, no. Everybody shares it.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[John Crist]

And then you just. It's free. Refills suck. Which I don't think that's loophole Johnny Lopes.

[H. Foley]

What was the family car?

[John Crist]

A van. Like a 1815 passenger van.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like a church van? Like one of the church van.

[John Crist]

Yeah. And we'd all dress alike.

[H. Foley]

No, you wouldn't.

[John Crist]

Yeah, we don't dress the exact same.

[H. Foley]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

What would that look like?

[John Crist]

Like everybody was wearing like a matching outfit like every day when we went out.

[Kevin Ryan]

You went out? Everybody put their white.

[H. Foley]

Your mom and dad too?

[John Crist]

No, they were. All the kids were matching and like, you know, overalls or something like that.

[H. Foley]

Nice.

[John Crist]

I'm just saying these things out loud for the first time and it sounds insane.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's a lot of overalls.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

A lot of hand me downs.

[John Crist]

Yeah. I didn't have my own. Yeah, you just give it to the next kid. Yeah. Very. A lot of gender neutral outfits.

[H. Foley]

Your mom was crushing all that laundry.

[John Crist]

Yeah, we had a. Once the. Once she went into depression, we had a laundry lady.

[Kevin Ryan]

I just come and did laundry.

[John Crist]

Yeah, just laundry.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[John Crist]

Brenda.

[H. Foley]

Was she in the church too?

[John Crist]

No, she's on the other. She was outsider.

[Kevin Ryan]

They weren't allowed to talk to her any.

[H. Foley]

Weren't allowed to talk to her.

[John Crist]

Well, she was kind of a loose cannon.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'd be too. That's a lot of socks. I'd be drinking on a job. Little. A little Deep Eddie vodka.

[John Crist]

Deep Eddie Petty, bro. I can't believe I just said a.

[H. Foley]

Couple of Deep Eddies.

[John Crist]

Let's go, buddy. But if you get like that. What's. I mean, I got the. I. It's probably 2000. I've been doing stand up for 15 years. But I, I, I mean, what. I always go, what was the plan? Like, I got Instagram and it was posting funny videos. Girls were like, what's up? And I was like, what? I mean, we've all experienced it, but you guys, I'm sure, experienced it because.

[H. Foley]

No.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Have you seen us?

[Kevin Ryan]

I get a lot of guys that look like me going, hey, where'd you get that meatball porn?

[H. Foley]

My husband's a huge fan.

[John Crist]

Yeah. They go, well, I just know. No, I kind of get bullied a little bit when I went to that, that school. And then all of a sudden you're like, cool you. But I think Comedy makes people that otherwise look at all these comics that would are not socially or that would fit in. Comedy makes us cool, right? Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, I agree that Luke. Yeah, take that.

[John Crist]

Comedy makes us cool.

[Kevin Ryan]

You agree? I agree. I'd be a construction worker if it wasn't for this.

[H. Foley]

Would you have chore. Hold on. Would you have chores around the house?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, they're probably on a chain gang we had.

[John Crist]

Yeah. Every Saturday we wake up and there's a list.

[H. Foley]

Cut the lawn, do this. Oh yeah, it looks like from the old man likes to keep the place nice.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[John Crist]

Gotta be clean. Everything's gotta be clean.

[Kevin Ryan]

What was the cushy job? What did you want? Did you want.

[John Crist]

Well, Sid there said there's the front yard and then it was the front yard and then the backyard was in half. So top half of the back or bottom half of the back. And there's a hill? Yeah, there's a hill. So you wanted the top half because the. The water went down to the. And it was thick down there. And the top out, you're out of there. The bottom.

[H. Foley]

No pool, I assume?

[John Crist]

No pool. We did.

[H. Foley]

Can you swim?

[John Crist]

Yeah, yeah, I can swim.

[H. Foley]

Where'd you learn how to swim?

[John Crist]

This girl. Ashley Stewart's house. Above ground pool.

[Kevin Ryan]

There you go.

[John Crist]

We went over there. She was wearing a blue bikini.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, she was.

[John Crist]

I never experienced something like that before. It was unbelievable.

[Kevin Ryan]

Huh? I know that.

[H. Foley]

Let's talk about now.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sorry. What was a vacation? I guess to up to Lancaster.

[John Crist]

We go to like, like, we drive to like national parks and stuff. Like Yosemite, Yellowstone, seeing the Geysers. Everything had to be kind of homeschool. Everything was like a homeschool extension. Learning.

[Kevin Ryan]

Let's go educational.

[John Crist]

We learned about the Mount Whatever. Rushmore. Let's go see.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[John Crist]

So every vacation was learning.

[H. Foley]

No video games?

[John Crist]

No.

[H. Foley]

So when you would go to bed at night, we would put a trash.

[Kevin Ryan]

Bag on a TV after the Braves game.

[John Crist]

We Super Mario Brothers, one of our buddies had it.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

That probably blew your brain.

[John Crist]

Blew my brain.

[H. Foley]

Were you aware that video games existed?

[John Crist]

No. I mean we never heard. We.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's like. That's like trying to explain the Internet to a doll. You just like. You're like tv. Then there's a guy you play. You run around. You jump. You jump in a plane. Smash.

[H. Foley]

So what would you do at night?

[John Crist]

Tetris was just. I mean, this is what we had never seen something like this.

[H. Foley]

What would you do at night before you went to bed? Would you like read?

[John Crist]

There would be a lot of like, building a lot of reading. The Hardy Boys. That was kind of fun. Wild. Did we. Yeah. And then there's, like, Christian, like, music.

[Kevin Ryan]

You know, Everything was, you know, curved.

[H. Foley]

What.

[John Crist]

Do you know any Christian bands? You ever know any Christian bands?

[Kevin Ryan]

No, not really.

[John Crist]

Dang. DC talk, Chris Tomlin. Nothing. Hillsong. None of this. Yeah, no.

[H. Foley]

Hillsong's the church, isn't it?

[John Crist]

Yeah. Hillside.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[John Crist]

Yeah, yeah.

[H. Foley]

That guy packs him in, doesn't he?

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Southern kids are killing it right now.

[H. Foley]

What time was lights out?

[John Crist]

10 o' clock.

[H. Foley]

10 o' clock, 10 o' clock. And how many. How many were you in a room with?

[John Crist]

Five.

[Kevin Ryan]

How many bedrooms?

[John Crist]

One big room above the garage. He. My dad built the garage.

[Kevin Ryan]

Gotcha.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, that's pretty cool. Yeah. Your own little out hat. Your own.

[John Crist]

We're doing a lot of. We were moving a lot of. We got a lot of bodies up here, so we. Let's just. There it was. It was like.

[Kevin Ryan]

It was detached from the house, kind of.

[John Crist]

Yeah. The beds were kind of on the walls and they're, like, in the. Like.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's a little bit of independence.

[John Crist]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[H. Foley]

Boys to bond a little bit.

[John Crist]

Yeah. All five boys over there.

[Kevin Ryan]

I like that.

[H. Foley]

What were the Christmas presents like?

[John Crist]

Well, the. The Ahmed, the. One of our grandmothers was kind of doing well, so she. We always went up there to Christmas.

[Kevin Ryan]

What's.

[John Crist]

Well, it. They. The dairy.

[H. Foley]

Huh.

[John Crist]

She owned the dairies. We would always. We would go up there for Christmas, up to Lancaster, and she was doing well.

[H. Foley]

But she wouldn't get you, like, GI Joes and stuff like that?

[John Crist]

No, no, no. Like a Scrabble or something like that. Or like a Scrabble's doing well, like a horn.

[H. Foley]

Or like, I got a GI Joe headquarters and that'll blow your brains out. You kidding me?

[Kevin Ryan]

He got that for Christmas this year.

[John Crist]

But wouldn't you want it. Wouldn't you want to. If you could, like, starting now, like, when I went to rehab, it was no, obviously, no drugs, no alcohol, no women, no. No caffeine, no sugar, no fiction books. No. Even if you got a runner's high from working out, they wouldn't let you do that. So, in essence, it'll. It was so sad and depressing and horrible, but it reset the. You go out, have a chicken. Yeah. You go out and have, like, a Sprite. And it was like.

[Kevin Ryan]

So now shuffleboard's cool again.

[John Crist]

Going to, like, the park with my nephew. I was, like, playing golf on. That's it. Rehab.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're good at golf.

[John Crist]

Great at Golf.

[Kevin Ryan]

What do you shoot?

[John Crist]

Eight handicap. Me and me pretty good. You and Bargazzi play a pretty good bit.

[Kevin Ryan]

What's he here?

[John Crist]

What's he about a six? But we play straight up when we gamble. Oh, we're Gambling's kind of. That's a new.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's where you draw the rule.

[John Crist]

No, that's where we.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're allowed to.

[John Crist]

Not really, but I kind of like.

[Kevin Ryan]

I ain't talking to nobody.

[H. Foley]

He wasn't allowed to drink the Ed Hardee's or whatever the hell they were.

[John Crist]

Either did it or draft. DraftKings. DraftKings was like, hey, we want to sponsor for my podcast. And I was like.

[Kevin Ryan]

What'S that promo?

[John Crist]

Yeah. Yeah. Or what? Like, what would my fan base would that be? You know I'm saying, like, I wouldn't do like one of the sex.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like Adam and Eve.

[H. Foley]

Gotcha.

[John Crist]

I pro. I wouldn't.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. But either would we. Promo code garlic.

[John Crist]

But. But you go. I don't know. Like, Christians are kind of. We. I always have a joke about it in my show. Like, we're kind of easing up on gambling now. They're like, yeah, I got you. Which all. My act is very like. Like these things are put into perspective.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's you, not. It's you. Yeah, but I'm still wrestling with.

[John Crist]

I'm still in it. Yeah. That's what the whole. The whole thing is like. Well, what are we left.

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, it's like, yeah, this rule was written whenever. And now there's DraftKings. So let's.

[John Crist]

How.

[Kevin Ryan]

How are we coping?

[John Crist]

So how. And if you pray for some. A team to win and then you bet on it. That's faith.

[H. Foley]

There you go. Nothing wrong with that. Jesus likes the loop.

[John Crist]

They've been making loopholes like every. I think Adam Carolla had a bit about. Because every religion that was ever man made, it was like, what do the guys like to do? Like Rastafarian. Like, we got to get rid of. What about weed? They were like, hey, what about multiple wives?

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[John Crist]

Yeah. There's a lot of going on. And that's what my. That's my act is. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

When did you get your passport?

[John Crist]

Ooh, I've had one forever. Forever. My whole life I've had one.

[H. Foley]

Really?

[John Crist]

Yeah. We went to. My parents took us to Europe as a kid to. My dad was preaching over there for something very cool. I went. I've had it for always. I've been to like every. Probably on church missions. I've probably been to 30 countries.

[Kevin Ryan]

No kidding.

[John Crist]

Yeah. Christians are Also easing up on that, too. Like, we shouldn't be going over there and telling them how to get to heaven. Maybe. Yeah. We're like, this is probably not helping.

[H. Foley]

You ever do the thing where you guys go to, like, an island and talk to, like, a tribe or anything like that?

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[John Crist]

No kidding. Yeah. Build them a well or something like that.

[H. Foley]

Get the out of here.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Holy.

[John Crist]

I'm going one in, like, a month. Yeah, we're going to Peru.

[H. Foley]

No kidding.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, I'm going to Cancun.

[John Crist]

Deep Eddies.

[H. Foley]

Maybe I'll catch you on a layover.

[John Crist]

Deep Eddie's like, what? Sales are going up. What happened? I was like, oh, yeah, there's this guy. That was heavy.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right, a couple questions now. Very well put together.

[H. Foley]

Very well.

[Kevin Ryan]

I keep getting eyes on that jazz.

[H. Foley]

That shacky sharp guy. You're very sharp guy.

[Kevin Ryan]

What brand is that?

[John Crist]

I don't know. Stylist.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're doing press now. Do you own that, or do you got to give that back?

[John Crist]

I own this one.

[Kevin Ryan]

You own that one?

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do you know how to tie a tie? How many suits do you own?

[John Crist]

About six or seven.

[H. Foley]

Wait, hold on. You said a stylist put that together for you?

[John Crist]

Whoa. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Tonight show.

[John Crist]

But Tonight Show. Yeah, they had.

[Kevin Ryan]

They got me, and I'm Jimmy Fallon.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

We'll be right back. No kidding.

[John Crist]

They'd be looking good over there. Yeah, but that's only because I've been able to, you know, like, rich people look better.

[H. Foley]

You're doing well.

[John Crist]

Well, they have.

[Kevin Ryan]

We do pretty well. We still look like shit.

[John Crist]

You know. You know how those photos of, like, if Brad Pitt was like.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, for sure. I agree.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

I saw him the other night. He was going after dinner with Bradley Cooper. I don't know what the hell he was wearing.

[John Crist]

Yeah, he looked.

[Kevin Ryan]

What were you wearing at the time? You saw it?

[H. Foley]

I think I was in my underwear.

[John Crist]

You know, that's like a Billy. Or not Billy Madison. Adam Sandler. He dresses. Yeah, but he dresses like that ironically.

[H. Foley]

Yes, of course.

[John Crist]

That's what people don't understand. Are like, dude, in the south, it's a big, like. Are you. Do you have this mullet iron?

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Now, ironically, the south is cool. Like, the Southern culture is very nascar.

[John Crist]

Are you at this race ironically?

[Kevin Ryan]

It's a thing to do.

[John Crist]

Or are you like, OMG. Dale Earnhardt Jr. Or are you like.

[H. Foley]

Do you love Chase Elliot Pitt was wearing something goofy. Was like, oversized jeans and, like, a weird, fluffy shirt. Bradley Cooper's got a regular tee on. Jeans and nice fit.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hey, Page Six. We got an Amish guy over here.

[John Crist]

Shut up.

[H. Foley]

Have you ever seen Page? Do you know who Brad Pitt is?

[John Crist]

Page? I don't know what Page Six is. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

What kind of car you got?

[John Crist]

A Range Rover.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, you do?

[H. Foley]

You're doing well.

[John Crist]

Yeah, we're doing well. We're doing well.

[H. Foley]

You own the house out in Nashville.

[John Crist]

Yeah. That was always.

[H. Foley]

Will the family come out for you?

[John Crist]

The family come to my house?

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's killing it.

[H. Foley]

What are you talking about?

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm not. Why? What did I say that made it seem that he wasn't doing well? Just told me the Land Rover. A Range Rover?

[John Crist]

Yeah. But you always, like. You know, like. Well, it was. It was. I don't do churches anymore.

[H. Foley]

Right.

[John Crist]

So I'm in the past. For the past six years, I haven't done a church just because I think the relationships a little tricky. You're paying money to see me, and that's kind of what led to my rehab slash cancellation. Is like, we thought he was going home to read the Bible because we saw him in church and I wasn't.

[Kevin Ryan]

So, like. Yeah, there was. I see what you're saying. So there was a responsibility to live.

[John Crist]

Yeah. Like, if you were like, a missionary to a foreign country, like, we're all sending you money. You can't have a Range Rover because you're.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[John Crist]

Like the preacher. That's the argument about the preachers these days, is there? On the tithe. You can't have a jet because we. You told us you were Kenneth Copeland. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Got Tyler Perry's jet.

[John Crist]

Yeah. So that's a rub. So if I go. If I'm working in churches, you can't really be, like, flexing Right. On a private jet.

[Kevin Ryan]

I get it. Because I feel bad that I quit smoking cigs. I feel like I let our fan base down. So I get what you're saying, just from another angle.

[John Crist]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same thing. Yeah. Yeah. I got you.

[H. Foley]

I mean, that's a very commendable thing. So you stepped out of that to make it more.

[John Crist]

Well, I just think it. It was a little. And I wasn't living.

[Kevin Ryan]

How you felt you should be living.

[John Crist]

Yeah. I was living of a secret. Living a secret. And now I'm not.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's a respectable living.

[H. Foley]

Like 20.

[John Crist]

Yeah. So if I'm.

[Kevin Ryan]

If I lead. That I know of.

[H. Foley]

Wait, so when your family. When your mom and dad come over at the. You got the TV and all that stuff, right?

[John Crist]

Yeah, they got the TV now.

[H. Foley]

Oh, they do.

[Kevin Ryan]

It Comes with. It comes with the train station.

[John Crist]

Yeah. God is loosening it. That my joke is, like, when I was growing up, there are so many rules now. God seems to be okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

You can only fight it for so long. I mean, everything's. You know.

[H. Foley]

Are you doing. Are you doing Christmas now? Everybody come to your house?

[John Crist]

Nashville. We did Christmas in Nashville once.

[H. Foley]

Are you doing the best of the whole family? I would say, financially.

[John Crist]

Man, I don't know about that. I don't know about.

[H. Foley]

Brothers are financing.

[John Crist]

Yeah. Well, it is kind of a. Is it like that in your family? You're just trying to guess how everybody's doing.

[H. Foley]

I know. My brother's killing me.

[John Crist]

Oh, yeah, he is. So if you guys. So if you go to dinner, he picks it up.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, I does it now.

[H. Foley]

You do it.

[John Crist]

Yeah, but why?

[H. Foley]

Because I make up for being a scumbag all my life.

[Kevin Ryan]

We lived off our brothers forever.

[John Crist]

Yeah, but now you're doing these. You're doing better.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm doing very well.

[John Crist]

Yeah, we're doing very well. Yeah. This is everything. It's unbelievable.

[H. Foley]

Tv.

[John Crist]

Yeah, I see. I know where your podcast ranks. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I wouldn't be here if it wasn't.

[John Crist]

You're doing very well.

[Kevin Ryan]

I got a stylist.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Waste of my time with you guys. All right. I mean, listen.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Gotta have you back.

[John Crist]

What? Is there a final verdict or what?

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, I mean, you're trash for sure. There's no way around that. Very tough to bounce back from with the Amish. The train stay. Although it's very nice.

[H. Foley]

You know, that's crazy story.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're 100%. We've barely scratched you. You and Dusty Slay have the only.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

We only made it till Dusty's 18th birthday, graduated high school, and then we have to. Yeah. We.

[John Crist]

What is. What was your verdict on him? What?

[H. Foley]

What?

[John Crist]

Yeah, Yeah. I got you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Gotcha.

[John Crist]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's. Dude, he's become.

[H. Foley]

He was in the army for, like, 45 minutes.

[John Crist]

He's become more, like, conservative and Christian. Not in a conservative in a political way, but, like, he's more.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[John Crist]

Hey, we're gonna remove ourselves from that life. We're going farming. We're gonna make.

[H. Foley]

He's got his together, too.

[John Crist]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's tightened it up.

[H. Foley]

You guys. You eat deviled eggs.

[John Crist]

That's hilarious that you asked that. We didn't.

[H. Foley]

No, kid. Because they're deviled eggs.

[John Crist]

Yeah, we did.

[Kevin Ryan]

I just. Because he asks everybody that.

[John Crist]

I didn't even put the devil. Yeah. Angel food cake is what we had, brother. Yeah. We don't have the devil's eggs. No.

[H. Foley]

With paprika.

[John Crist]

Yeah. It was all very. A lot of. A lot of stuff like that that were like, you know.

[H. Foley]

No. Devil's food cake.

[John Crist]

No, like, stuff like horns or like any kind of horns.

[Kevin Ryan]

Take a. Take the horns off that pepper.

[John Crist]

Have you ever hear any. Have you ever heard, like, if it. Like backwards masking. Like if you listen to acdc, backwards devil is in your. Yeah, that kind of stuff. A lot of. Lot of fear of. Of unknown.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it first.

[John Crist]

Of course.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Hey, you missed out on a lot of good horn, I'll tell you that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Would you say Pizza Hut or Domino's Pizza Hut?

[John Crist]

For sure. Because the personal pen. We read a lot of books.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[John Crist]

Remember that?

[H. Foley]

So you were allowed to do Pizza Hut?

[Kevin Ryan]

The book. It.

[John Crist]

Yeah, we would. Because we would come in there with. We would ride our bikes to the library. Yeah. Game over, dude.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, God. Here come the Chris. It changed the policies. There's 10 of them and they don't have a TV. We're screwed.

[H. Foley]

Hide the cops.

[Kevin Ryan]

Quick, throw the horns up. Scare them off.

[H. Foley]

Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. John Crist. Amazing.

[Kevin Ryan]

What a story.

[John Crist]

Honored to be here.

[H. Foley]

Unbelievable. Check out emotional Support on his YouTube page. Check out his whole YouTube page. And of course, he's going to be kicking off the fall tour in Las Vegas, Nevada. The Encore Theater, August 31st.

[John Crist]

No gambling.

[H. Foley]

No gambling.

[John Crist]

Not see. Well, that's a big deal. Depends on the spread we're going to. Yeah. Christians. Christians coming to. Coming to Vegas is a big. We would never do that 10 years ago.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, that's where. That's a test of God's will.

[John Crist]

It's a C. Yeah. But now Christians are cool about that now.

[H. Foley]

There you go.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Loosening and loosening the belt loopholes, baby. It's all about the loopholes, buddy. That was absolutely fantastic. We can't. Thank you.

[Kevin Ryan]

That was amazing.

[John Crist]

Honored to be here.

[H. Foley]

We love you. Anything else you want the folks out there tonight?

[John Crist]

Ah, dude, anything, dude. Come by and say hi. If you come by through a meet and greet or something like that, if you've come from re. Garbage, that would be awesome.

[Kevin Ryan]

Go.

[John Crist]

If someone knows somebody says. Because a lot of like, I think like the. Really. The comics that pods put me on the map. Yeah, that's. Everybody would say, like, Theo.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[John Crist]

Nate, Andrew, Santino. Love those guys. Those were the guys that were like, tonight show is like my first ever credit doing my own thing and comics.

[Kevin Ryan]

The podcast, the comic podcasters have been the most supportive. Yeah, the of. You know, it's like. It's a. It's a great community. I think it's awesome.

[H. Foley]

Tom. Tim.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Everybody.

[H. Foley]

Stavi, everybody.

[John Crist]

Yeah, we got it figured out.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, buddy. We love you.

[John Crist]

Thank you, man.

[H. Foley]

Thank you so much.

[John Crist]

Absolutely.

[H. Foley]

Kippy, what do you got for him?

[Kevin Ryan]

We're on the. We're on the road. The fall and winter dates are on sale. Are you garbage.com? get your tickets before they're gone.

[H. Foley]

Gang, we love you. We'll see you next week.

[John Crist]

Peace.