Jordan Jensen Queen of Trash

Summary

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Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast

Episode: "Jordan Jensen, Queen of Trash"

Hosts: Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Guest: Jordan Jensen

Date: September 11, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this hilarious and candid episode of Are You Garbage?, comedians Kevin Ryan and H. Foley welcome back Jordan Jensen, a fan-favorite guest and reigning "Queen of Garbage." Known for her outrageous stories and unfiltered honesty, Jordan is put through the ringer once more to determine just how "garbage" she really is.

With discussions ranging from creative wedding gifts and scrapping in junkyards to unconventional hygiene practices and childhood toys, this episode is a wild ride through Jordan's chaotic—and endearingly trashy—life. The trio dig into her past and present, including mental health adventures, questionable culinary habits, and classic "garbage" behavior. Along the way, plenty of laughs, memorable quotes, and moments of brutal honesty abound.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Catching Up With Jordan Jensen (02:30–04:10, 21:40–22:07)

• New Projects: Jordan talks about her new Netflix comedy special, Take Me With You, filmed at New York’s Gramercy Theatre.
  • "[It's] called Take Me With You...Go watch it." — Jordan Jensen (02:55)
• Matchbox Cars & Childhood Play: Jordan reminisces about creating complex soap opera storylines with toy cars instead of Barbies.
  • Pipes, a Ford F150, was the "bad boy" car in her childhood world (04:27).
• Living Situation Updates:
  • Still in the same (broken-doored) apartment, does most of her own repairs but draws the line at doors (20:31–20:49).
  • Her motorcycle was recently stolen, which she calls a "stress relief" (21:07).

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2. Trashy Adventures & Oddball Habits

Early Life, Scrap Yards, and Scams (05:01–06:21)

• Grew up spending time in junkyards and scrap metal yards; describes childhood as "almost getting run over at the scrap metal yard" (05:31).
• Describes a scam in New York where she would sneak junk into industrial dumps to avoid paying fees.

Living Dangerous & Mental Health Tangents (06:26–07:12; 54:53–58:54)

• Shares mental health hacks like drawing with her non-dominant hand or planning to try ketamine.
• "I've been so depressed, I'm trying to activate the other hemisphere in my brain." — Jordan Jensen (06:26)
• Talks openly about Effexor-induced sweat and a callus in her armpit: "You could knock on it." (06:54)

3. Partying, Sobriety & Poppers (07:55–09:39)

• Claims she's sober but "did poppers at a wedding in Alaska," then got lost in the grass for five minutes (07:55–08:16).
• Hilarious confusion over the effects of poppers and whippets.
  • "It made me a gay man, though... it was like my credit score went up." — Jordan Jensen (08:50)
• Attended a hippie Alaskan fisherpeople’s wedding, mural painting as a gift

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4. The Alaska Wedding Saga (11:00–14:30)

• Gift-Giving: Brought no gift, but painted a photo backdrop mural instead.
  • "I flew seven hours to get to your wedding...you're not getting a gift." — Jordan Jensen (14:21)
• Wedding Attire: Proudly wore a vintage suit; avoids dresses ("feel like Eleanor Roosevelt").
• Guests and Food: Brought her dog, danced "hard on poppers," and sampled wild-caught salmon and moose (16:43–17:26).

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5. Being "Garbage": Money, Cars, and Everyday Life

Cash & Banking Habits (15:04–16:06)

• Carries rough-looking $100 bills, doesn't use ATMs, likes the name "Popular Bank."
• Occasional Capital One Cafe patron (16:04).
• Has a penchant for carrying gum (15:22).

Living Arrangements & Transportation (20:13–21:40, 32:24–33:01)

• Uses a switchblade daily to get out of her broken-door apartment.
  • "It's how I get out of my house because my door is broken." — Jordan Jensen (20:16)
• Motorcycle theft as a blessing; no insurance, no big deal.
• Bought a sensible VW Tiguan after paying off $64k in student loans to boost her credit score.

Car Cleanliness and Food Practices (38:46–39:29)

• No fast food fries in car, but admits to tuna and sardine cans everywhere.
• "Me and my dog share the tuna can together." — Jordan Jensen (38:56)
• Once peed in her pants in the woods by mistake and left the soiled pants in her car.

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6. Garbage Litmus Test: Habits & Hygiene

Restaurant Opinions & Eating Habits (22:58–24:45)

• Avoids "fancy" restaurants, prefers quick salad chains (Sweetgreen), hates modern "service culture."
  • "I hate the whole service world...You used to be able to just, like, order what you want..." — Jordan Jensen (24:01)
• Eats mostly tuna, sometimes sardines, prefers wild-caught.
• Shops at expensive, offensive "Union Market" in NYC.

Dressing & Laundry (26:11–27:41)

• Does “sock-shoe-sock-shoe,” blames ADHD.
• Admits to changing pants without removing shoes, and sometimes gets stuck (26:52–26:58).

Bathroom Habits (29:13–30:13)

• Toilet paper: balls, doesn’t fold—“ball has many edges”
• Loops and balls methods described enthusiastically.

Hygiene & Stink (30:23–30:47)

• Post-breakup, stopped wearing deodorant because she "likes her own stink."
  • "I'm stinky, but I like the stink." — Jordan Jensen (30:30)
• Candid discussion about BO, liking the "human smell," and calling out halitosis in other comics.

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7. Childhood Nostalgia & Toys (33:33–36:42)

• Favorite "As Seen on TV" products: Raves about a disappointing Marvin’s Magic Drawing Board (33:33–34:37).

• Sand Art & Boondoggle: Loves both, including making endless friendship bracelets (35:11–35:38).

  • "Boondoggle...you guys don't know what boondoggle is?" — Jordan Jensen (35:18)

• Hemp & Shark Tooth Necklaces: Wore hemp necklaces in third grade. Never owned a shark’s tooth, but "kissed boys who did" (37:29–38:01).

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8. The Garbage Quiz Continues

Phone Anxiety & OCD (42:05–42:46)

• Never answers unknown calls, even from friends; follows up with texts instead.
  • "I don't want to get trapped on the phone. It's very claustrophobic." — Jordan Jensen (43:08)
• OCD with water before bed (drinks a jug because she fears choking on Prozac in her sleep) (58:30).
• Takes (and stores) photos of her oven to reassure herself it’s off (59:22–59:38).

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9. Health, Dieting & "Yeasty Girl" Struggles (51:43–53:40)

• Details struggles with candida overgrowth, leading to "itchy holes."
  • "For the first time in my life, my vagina is comfortable...It was making me so stupid." — Jordan Jensen (51:56)
• Follows a strict candida diet, eats chia seed pudding with coconut milk and protein powder (53:35–53:43).

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10. Rural Life & White Trash Confessions (56:06–57:41)

• Found tranquility at family house upstate, but recounts being banned from the local swimming hole after a chaotic family/dog incident.
  • "And my mom with her giant John Wick pit bulls...my niece wasn't wearing pants...I was like, 'Oh, we are white trash.'" — Jordan Jensen (56:10–57:37)
• Tried to bribe the offended neighbor with store-bought zucchinis, pretending she grew them.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On destination weddings:
  "I flew seven hours to get to your wedding that you decided to have in the middle of nowhere. I’m not. You’re not getting a gift."
  — Jordan Jensen (14:21)

• On sharing food with her dog:
  "Me and my dog share the tuna can together."
  — Jordan Jensen (38:56)

• On deodorant and post-breakup habits:
  "I'm stinky, but I like the stink."
  — Jordan Jensen (30:30) "I get called Stinky a lot... but I like the way I smell."
  — Jordan Jensen (30:34)

• On wedding outfit anxiety:
  "Every time I wear a dress, there’s some other girl at the wedding who chose to wear a suit or a cool jumpsuit or something, and I feel like such a doofus and want to fight her."
  — Jordan Jensen (11:45)

• On child playing:
  "I would buy [toy cars] in relationships and they'd cheat on each other... Pipes was the boy every girl wanted."
  — Jordan Jensen (04:20–04:35)

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Segment Timestamps (Select Highlights)

• [02:30] — Jordan introduced as “Queen of Garbage,” discusses Netflix special
• [04:20] — Childhood toy car soap operas
• [05:31] — Growing up in scrap yards
• [07:55] — Doing poppers at an Alaskan wedding
• [14:21] — Defending not bringing a wedding gift
• [16:43] — Eating moose shot in front of its mother at the wedding
• [20:16] — Using a switchblade to escape her apartment
• [26:28] — The sock-shoe-sock-shoe confession
• [30:23] — Rejecting deodorant for natural body odor
• [33:33] — Magic Drawing Board disappointment story
• [38:56] — Sharing tuna cans with her dog
• [43:08] — Phone call anxiety and never picking up
• [51:56] — "Yeasty girl" saga and the candida diet
• [56:10–57:37] — White trash river incident with her family

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Tone & Style

• Candid, raunchy, self-deprecating, but heartfelt.
• Guests and hosts aren't afraid of gross-out humor or getting personal about mental health and hygiene.
• Jordan’s honesty and unique perspective bring fresh stories and bold confessions.

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Conclusion

By the end, Jordan remains an undisputed garbage queen—shameless, candid, hilariously chaotic, but always authentic. If you love absurd, TMI confessions, hilarious tales from the fringes of polite society, and genuine, unpretentious conversation, this episode is a must-listen.

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Recommended Segments:

• [07:55] Poppers & Alaska wedding stories
• [38:46] Car hygiene & tuna can sharing
• [51:43] Candida diet & “yeasty girl” struggles
• [56:10] White trash family drama at the river

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Listen if you enjoy:

• Raunchy, unfiltered comedy
• Candid stories of mental health, relationships, and odd childhoods
• A deep dive into America's "garbage" culture, delivered with wit and warmth

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Transcript

[Kevin Ryan]

Attention, homies and bozos. If you're looking for hot local dirt bags in your area, then you're in luck. We're going to be in San Francisco, Portland, Seattle, Los Angeles, California, Burlington, Vermont. Don't forget Boston, Atlanta, Charlotte, Raleigh, Richmond, Virginia, Baltimore, Maryland, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, getting real nasty. Rochester, New York and Toronto. All tickets [e-mail].

[H. Foley]

Welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody, everybody's favorite podcast. This is are you garbage? Oh, yeah, it's that little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that it's good to be classy. Yeah, they're just a big old piece of trash.

[Jordan Jensen]

Trash, trash, trash.

[H. Foley]

I'm your host. A trolley coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at tooties in the new edition. She just came down with a little food poison.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay?

[H. Foley]

She's eating quarters off the street.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right.

[H. Foley]

Nothing on that. My cousin is coming at you from right next to me. Real jerk off.

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't get it.

[H. Foley]

Neither did you because she's picking up quarters on the street and putting them in her mouth.

[Kevin Ryan]

No one's ever getting food poison. No one's ever done that. And I don't think that would give you food poisoning.

[Jordan Jensen]

Change on the street said Tudy is getting foot poisoning.

[H. Foley]

Foot poisoning.

[Kevin Ryan]

Because they're on the street poisoning.

[H. Foley]

She's picking up change off the street and put it in her mouth. That would give you food poison.

[Kevin Ryan]

Let's not try to punch this thing up.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay? You're right. You're right.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hold on a second.

[H. Foley]

Well, writers rings, good writers.

[Jordan Jensen]

It sounds like there's a pun in there that you didn't hit.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, you. I don't do puns, lady. Food.

[Jordan Jensen]

Why would you get food boys from a quarter? Why would you get food boys poisoning?

[H. Foley]

They're on the street.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's how you get food poisoning from food. You get food poisoning from food, from bacteria.

[H. Foley]

That's the joke. If you pick up a quarter off the street and put it in your mouth, you're probably going to get food poison.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, it's stainless steel.

[Jordan Jensen]

It could be like toady's getting food poisoning. She's been eating rat traps because that's like poison for rats.

[H. Foley]

Hey, everybody out there. Welcome back. Kevin James Ryan, everybody.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, my God. What's up, gang? Shout out to you as always. Please make sure you review, subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify, too. By the way, check out the numbers over there. And obviously, the greatest website of all time, www.patpatreon.com. all your garbage. You go over there, you get all that bonus content, gang.

[H. Foley]

Yes, sir. And gang, we couldn't be more excited of our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest back with us again today. It's her third time on the show. I believe she is currently the reigning queen of garbage. She's up there definitely in the council. One of the chairman of the boards in the commission.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Of garbage. Jordan Jensen, everybody.

[Jordan Jensen]

Hello, Heather.

[Kevin Ryan]

Welcome back.

[H. Foley]

Moving and shaking. A new special coming.

[Jordan Jensen]

New special called Take me with you is on Netflix. Go watch it.

[H. Foley]

Netflix.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yep. I know.

[H. Foley]

She's all right, man. She's killing it.

[Kevin Ryan]

She's doing great.

[H. Foley]

Where'd you film it?

[Jordan Jensen]

Gramercy.

[H. Foley]

There you go.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's a great venue.

[Jordan Jensen]

I made it really weird. I made a really scary backdrop.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, Very.

[H. Foley]

What, you don't want to give it away?

[Jordan Jensen]

I can't give it away. Construction netting torn up, looks like vagina parts, but also trash. You guys will like it.

[H. Foley]

I like it. Congratulations.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, thank you.

[Kevin Ryan]

I love vague vagina parts.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's vague.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's very good. It's one of my favorites.

[H. Foley]

All he's ever seen.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's been dark. Dark in here every time.

[Jordan Jensen]

Can I play with that car just while we talk? It'll.

[H. Foley]

Of course, of course.

[Jordan Jensen]

Or else I'll bend the cord and then break cords.

[H. Foley]

That's quite all right. There's other Matchbox cars you can play with. I got a TIE fighter, a Bubba Fett ship. I have a Cobra Commander is going on here.

[Jordan Jensen]

You got a bubble fed chip. I don't know what that is.

[H. Foley]

The slave.

[Jordan Jensen]

Look at the tank, little guy.

[H. Foley]

What tank?

[Jordan Jensen]

The little tank.

[H. Foley]

The black one?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

That's on a tank. It's called a hiss.

[Jordan Jensen]

I apologize. Yikes.

[H. Foley]

Get her out of here.

[Jordan Jensen]

I got his.

[Kevin Ryan]

I feel like it's two school bullies meeting for the first time.

[H. Foley]

That pulls back and I know it does. Pretty cool.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's really nice.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, they're all right.

[Jordan Jensen]

I really like these.

[H. Foley]

I never really fucked with those when I was a kid because I like to do the. The car myself. But sometimes they're all right on, like, a nice linoleum floor. You ever play with toys?

[Jordan Jensen]

I would buy them in relationships and they'd cheat on each other. I would buy them and they'd, like, cheat on each other. They'd be like my Barbies.

[Kevin Ryan]

The cars.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

You are really up.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Pipes was the boy that everybody wanted. He was a Ford F150. Every girl wanted him.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. I mean, that I can.

[H. Foley]

Those are the storylines you came up with in your head.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. He cheated on his girlfriend a lot.

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, who it was. What was a girl called?

[Jordan Jensen]

The Red Camaro. The Red Camaro was that. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

What a whore. She probably got around town.

[Jordan Jensen]

She did. She did like this.

[Kevin Ryan]

Find her in the junkyard a couple of mornings, if you catch my drift.

[H. Foley]

Speaking of which, it's good you brought that up. We want to get into the psyche of Jordan Jensen a little bit.

[Kevin Ryan]

We've gotten the broad. The broad story, which, I mean, not great. Criminal at best. We want more, you know, to drill down into it.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're a unique character. I think it's safe to say. I get nervous with the eye contact. It feels like she's staring into my soul.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm reading a book called Educated right now, which is supposed to be how fucked up this girl's life is in every part of it. Like, I'm like, well, my life wasn't like that. And then there'll be a part that's all about that. And I'm like, oh, shit. They did have that aspect.

[H. Foley]

It is the F150s in chapter two.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. There's, like, talking about her in a scrap metal yard and, like, getting metal stuck in her body. And I'm like, yeah, that was. My entire childhood was almost getting run over at the scrap metal yard.

[Kevin Ryan]

I spent a lot of time in a scrap yard too.

[H. Foley]

Right.

[Jordan Jensen]

God, they're the best.

[Kevin Ryan]

Copper. One copper, though. Everything you need. We. A lot of scrapping. A lot of.

[H. Foley]

We had a junkyard at the bottom of our hill at the one house we lived in a Wilkes spray. But I didn't go down there. I was always scared.

[Jordan Jensen]

Really?

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Of the animals or the peoples.

[H. Foley]

The people.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

They eventually ended up robbing our house when we were away.

[Jordan Jensen]

One time I found a trick in New York. You. I would fill up my tiny truck and then go pull into. In like, Queens or something. There's semis. Unloading truck is so tiny that I would pull between them and open my tailgate so it looked like I was ejecting stuff with the semis. And then I would just zip out and leave because you have to pay to junk here. It's really good. So then I would charge the owners.

[H. Foley]

The shit you do on your own?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Yeah, it's not good.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's odd.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's getting better. It's getting better. Right now my things are getting better. Well, it's getting less dangerous. Like now I'm trying to draw with my non dominant hand because I've been so depressed that I'm trying to activate the other hemisphere in my brain. That's better.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, that's when you know you're right handed.

[Kevin Ryan]

Is that is. Is that a clinical thing?

[Jordan Jensen]

They dude, I hear anything from anywhere and I'm like, you'll give it a whirl. Yeah, totally. I'm about to try ketamine.

[H. Foley]

I'm on this effect. So it's really taking my anxiety.

[Jordan Jensen]

Effexor I had to take. When I took Effexor, I got so sweaty on it that I had to use certain dry, which was as seen on tv, deodorant that gave me a hard callus all the way over my armpit. Like you could knock on it.

[Kevin Ryan]

You could got bark.

[H. Foley]

Sexy.

[Kevin Ryan]

It was bark.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. The vexor's taking my anxiety away.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's sick.

[H. Foley]

It's working too good to be honest with you.

[Jordan Jensen]

You're chill guy.

[H. Foley]

No, I'm like, I just don't.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's now nervous that he's not worrying.

[H. Foley]

I'm like, oh, no fear.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, like a beta blocker.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, beta blocker. That's for your heart, isn't it?

[Jordan Jensen]

I think beta blocker just makes you not afraid.

[H. Foley]

Really? Yeah, I think I'm on that too. I'm on a stat. Are you.

[Jordan Jensen]

Are you walking into streets or something like that? Are you being like too careless?

[H. Foley]

But some aspects I would say.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, yeah.

[H. Foley]

Let it loose.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Placing some high dollar bets and are you sober yet?

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, what Yet? I'd like that yet. Yeah, I actually, it's like, well, what Wishful thinking. Like that's coming down.

[H. Foley]

I haven't drank in a long time though.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's great.

[H. Foley]

Is that true?

[Kevin Ryan]

I can't even tell your lies apart anymore.

[Jordan Jensen]

Now, last weekend I'm sober, but I did do poppers last weekend. Poppers? Yeah. Because I'm sober and all my friends are on sale and my gay friend had poppers and he just held it up to my nose and I all of a sudden was like just the life of the party crushing in that. But then I got stuck on the ground. Like I got lost in the grass quick. Yeah, it's quick, but then it's done.

[Kevin Ryan]

Maybe you got lost on the ground.

[Jordan Jensen]

If you hit a popper and then I. And then something fell and I was trying to find it. And I got stuck in, like, a trance. Yeah, yeah. And somebody had to yank me back up. And it felt like I was like in Beetlejuice when they pull him out of the Sandworm.

[H. Foley]

You've never done poppers?

[Jordan Jensen]

It's like that. You get lost.

[H. Foley]

Lollipop Club.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, this goes to the working theory that full. We're finally finding out that Foley is a gay man. And that is where a lot of his.

[Jordan Jensen]

You've done poppers.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's a gay man.

[Jordan Jensen]

It doesn't loosen your butthole. I was prepared to myself. And it wasn't like, whoa. It wasn't like that. I think it just makes you like.

[H. Foley]

You got a bad.

[Jordan Jensen]

It made me a gay man, though. Like, dancing. I was like, yeah. It was like that credit score went up. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Killing it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Dual income.

[H. Foley]

All right, enough. In my social life.

[Kevin Ryan]

You brought it up.

[H. Foley]

I didn't bring it up. She's doing poppers. Why don't you get some whippets or something like that?

[Jordan Jensen]

Whippets are. It felt like they didn't last as long, then.

[H. Foley]

Poppers.

[Jordan Jensen]

Popper. This one. I mean, maybe I was breathing in too much, but this would last, like, five minutes.

[H. Foley]

Whose party was this?

[Jordan Jensen]

It was a wedding.

[Kevin Ryan]

Alaska wedding Opera.

[H. Foley]

Is it a wedding?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Wait, is that why you went to Alaska? I thought it was for work.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, for a wedding.

[H. Foley]

Who the fuck's getting married up there?

[Jordan Jensen]

Alaskan fisher friends.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're friends with, like, fisher?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Like lobsterman?

[Jordan Jensen]

No, like salmon fisher people.

[H. Foley]

No kidding? Yeah, like farm raised or wild?

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, wild caught.

[H. Foley]

Wild caught.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

They can't be a fisherman in the farm.

[H. Foley]

How do you think they get them out?

[Kevin Ryan]

Not sitting there putting power bait on a line and pulling them out one at a time.

[H. Foley]

Got a net to take them all out. Who got married?

[Jordan Jensen]

My friends. Who are Alaskan Fisher man and woman.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs.

[Jordan Jensen]

What's that?

[Kevin Ryan]

You don't know who Dirty Mike Row. You don't know Dirty Jobs? Wow.

[H. Foley]

You watch television at all?

[Jordan Jensen]

I watch. Oh, I watch, like, movies from the 90s a lot.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

What?

[Jordan Jensen]

Like I just watched Good Will Hunting.

[H. Foley]

Not for the first time.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, no. I watch everything a thousand times.

[Kevin Ryan]

For anxiety.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's for anxiety.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

And it's not good anymore. They're not good. Movies aren't good anymore. They go too crazy.

[Kevin Ryan]

I agree. I'll give you that.

[H. Foley]

I haven't really been watching tv, and it's weird. Every time I look at. There's nothing on that I want to watch, and I force myself not to watch. Sopranos or Seinfeld. I've been watching the Incredible Hulk cartoon.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, you gotta. You can't rerun because then you start living vicariously in their life. You have to cut yourself off.

[Kevin Ryan]

The listeners were. Were able to dict. Were able to figure out what season of Sopranos he was on just based off his references. They'd be like, oh, he's based on.

[Jordan Jensen]

How he was talking.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And what characters he bring up.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'll literally be like, there's a famous philosopher that says blah, blah, blah, and it's. It's Tony Soprano. And I'm like, no, that was.

[Kevin Ryan]

I said some bolt. So speaking of the wedding, which we were gonna steer clear of a little bit, but what did you give as a gift at the wedding?

[Jordan Jensen]

Zero. Whoa. Yeah. I painted a mural.

[H. Foley]

What?

[Jordan Jensen]

For the wedding. They needed a mural.

[Kevin Ryan]

Kind of hippie is this. It was hippie now. I remember seeing pictures.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

It was bag.

[H. Foley]

You go solo.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Grizzly bear.

[H. Foley]

You brought your dog.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Take your dog everywhere. You bring your dog to the actual wedding and leave at the Airbnb or whatever.

[Jordan Jensen]

You stay wedding.

[H. Foley]

No kidding.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

There's a dog at the wedding?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. For the special part. She was in the bridal suite.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

She won't.

[Jordan Jensen]

She matched my suit.

[H. Foley]

You wore a suit?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Paula Poundstone.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Wore a suit?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. I can't wear dresses. I feel like Eleanor Roosevelt every time I wear a dress. It sucks. Every time I wear a dress, there's some other girl at the wedding who chose to wear a suit or a cool jumpsuit or something, and I feel like such a doofus and I want to fight her.

[Kevin Ryan]

Because you're in a dress and they're not.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yes. And they're making fun of me even though they're not.

[Kevin Ryan]

They're not.

[Jordan Jensen]

They are.

[H. Foley]

Jumpsuit. Wore a jumpsuit or you wear.

[Jordan Jensen]

I wore a three piece vintage suit.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

It was sick.

[H. Foley]

Cool. Yeah, I dig it.

[Jordan Jensen]

I got the vest all tight.

[H. Foley]

Were you in the wedding, though?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

So wait, was all the other bridesmaids lined up with Thing? And then there's Groucho Marx and there.

[Jordan Jensen]

Was actually another suit. My other friend was wearing a suit. Just so happened. But it was a hippie wedding. You wear whatever you want.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Where did you get the suit?

[Jordan Jensen]

I got in Austin at like a little thrift place.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay. How much was it? Do you remember?

[Jordan Jensen]

It was $200. And then I got it tailored, which cost 400 because I got it all nice. And it was.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, that tailoring, man, really pulls it Together.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, it feels so good. You step on a thing and a person just goes. It's not your body that's. That's the. That it's at fault. It's this material, which is. That never happens. I grew up putting on Joe Boxer and fucking trying to fit my tits into these.

[Kevin Ryan]

You know, I had so that I have the opposite thought when I'm standing on that thing. They're like, you think it's the cloth and you're like, wow. You get more confident. There's too many mirrors.

[Jordan Jensen]

The mirrors is bad.

[Kevin Ryan]

The angles are bad.

[Jordan Jensen]

But the idea of going in and having them be like, we're gonna make this to your butt. Just because. Remember buying pants growing up? How awful that would be? It was like so dramatic. It's a full panic attack. And you'd come out, your mom would be like. And you'd be like, I know it's bad. And they'd be like, we're gonna get you a size 16. You'd be like, I can't admit that I'm a size 16, so I have to stuff into a 12, you know.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, not exactly, but yeah, I was really. I was really dancing with a 34 at the time.

[H. Foley]

That three sided mirror, man. I remember discovering as a little kid, like, holy.

[Jordan Jensen]

Seeing the back of you.

[H. Foley]

Oh.

[Kevin Ryan]

So I never used to try to catch myself looking at myself. I was never fast. What the you doing? Okay. All right. So nothing. You paint what was the mural of and how big was.

[H. Foley]

Was of her?

[Kevin Ryan]

It was in a suit.

[Jordan Jensen]

It was abstract backdrop for, like people to take photos. And it was probably like eight by eight.

[H. Foley]

And you paint.

[Kevin Ryan]

How'd you get it up there?

[H. Foley]

You painted it with it there?

[Jordan Jensen]

I painted it on the ground on a big tapestry.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like the day of the wedding.

[H. Foley]

No, you were there a couple days for the wedding.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay. And then we hung it also. Don't answer this. Like, this is fucking normal, by the way. You're giving me shit. Like, you know when you show up to an Alaska wedding and make something?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

No. I don't know where in Alaska.

[H. Foley]

We talking Anchorage.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, it was in Palmer.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, but we beautiful this time of year.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

All right.

[Kevin Ryan]

You are so.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm not bringing gifts. I flew a giant. I flew seven hours to get to your wedding that you decided to have in the middle of nowhere. I'm not. I. I had to buy an Airbnb. I had to pay the ticket. You're not getting a gift.

[Kevin Ryan]

I. I'm not pushing back.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, that's how I feel if you have a destination wedding. I'm not.

[Kevin Ryan]

I didn't get him a gift.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, I'm not.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm not. I also just, like, don't really buy gifts. If they have a registry, I'll buy.

[H. Foley]

But you're not giving cash.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, I do give cash, actually. Yes, I do give cash.

[H. Foley]

But you didn't give cash.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, it was too much money to get there. It was too crazy. I was pissed off about it.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

All right, so I didn't. But yeah, I gave my best friend a thousand dollars in cash, which is good.

[Kevin Ryan]

Nice.

[Jordan Jensen]

At the wedding. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Not at that wedding. In another wedding.

[Jordan Jensen]

A different wedding. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Very respectable.

[H. Foley]

All right.

[Kevin Ryan]

In the line of cash. How much cash do you have on you right now? I would love to know what's in your pockets. Those look pretty. Those look pretty clean at the moment.

[Jordan Jensen]

They're not clean.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, not clean.

[H. Foley]

What's the wallet situation?

[Jordan Jensen]

A hundred dollars.

[Kevin Ryan]

A hundred dollar bill.

[H. Foley]

Wow.

[Kevin Ryan]

And rough looking.

[H. Foley]

100.

[Kevin Ryan]

A little bit of trash.

[H. Foley]

Is that a dove or is that a piece of gum? Zin Threes.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's a piece of gum.

[H. Foley]

Maple flavor.

[Jordan Jensen]

Coffee.

[H. Foley]

See that every day in a car. Did you put that in your pocket?

[Jordan Jensen]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

I think I might. What was the last time you went to the atm and how much cash did you get?

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't go to the atm.

[Kevin Ryan]

Right spot. Yeah. Yeah. You got cash.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

What do you bank with?

[Kevin Ryan]

BofA.

[H. Foley]

BofA?

[Kevin Ryan]

Bank of America. I've never heard that.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm banking with both of them. I really like Popular Bank. I think that's a funny name.

[Kevin Ryan]

Banco de Popular.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

So have you been to a Capital One Cafe?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yes, out of necessity.

[H. Foley]

Really? For coffee?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Next to a hotel? For sure.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. That makes sense.

[Kevin Ryan]

I've only been in one in Philly, and it was right by the hotel.

[H. Foley]

I know exactly what you're talking about. Me and Cotton used to hang out in there.

[Kevin Ryan]

I wouldn't tell people that. They used to hang out at the Capital.

[H. Foley]

Did you dance at this wedding?

[Jordan Jensen]

I did. On Poppers Hard.

[H. Foley]

That's where their parents dance. Wedding.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. It was weird. I gave a speech, too. And all these old people kept coming up to me being like, you know, you're actually like, really funny. And I was like, really? Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

How many people were at the wedding?

[Jordan Jensen]

150.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, that was a food.

[Jordan Jensen]

Great salmon.

[H. Foley]

It was so good salmon.

[Jordan Jensen]

Really. And moose. You ever have moose? Jeez.

[H. Foley]

Chocolate mousse?

[Jordan Jensen]

No, moose that they shot. They shot a baby moose and we ate it.

[Kevin Ryan]

That seems illegal.

[Jordan Jensen]

He shot it in front of his mother in fr.

[Kevin Ryan]

He shot him in front of the moose's mother.

[Jordan Jensen]

He shot it in front of. He shot it in front of.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't know with you people. You guys are wacky. Moose.

[Jordan Jensen]

He shot it in front of the moose's mother and then the mother had a hard time walking away and they had to shoo it, shoe it. Shoo, shoo.

[H. Foley]

You shoot the baby. You shoo them.

[Jordan Jensen]

Isn't that awful? And we ate it and I fed some to my dog and I ate a lot of moose. And I don't eat red meat, but it was the best meat I've ever.

[Kevin Ryan]

Moose is red meat.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's got. What do you think it's called?

[H. Foley]

Chicken.

[Jordan Jensen]

What the.

[Kevin Ryan]

Listen, I got to be honest, I never thought of it.

[H. Foley]

Sweet Lord. K. What do you know about Shopify?

[Kevin Ryan]

Shout out to Shopify, baby.

[H. Foley]

Do you know anything about Shopify? Are we a Shopify family? What do we use on all that stuff?

[Kevin Ryan]

We're a Shopify family, you know. Not everybody knows we're a Shopify family.

[H. Foley]

Listen, if you got your side hustle going, if you got your website up, if you. If you got your business out there, brick and mortar, do yourself a favor, get on Shopify. They're the absolute best. They leave the less carts empty than anybody else.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes. Listen, imagine being able to guarantee that shopping is always convenient. The endless aisle, ship to customer, buy online, pick up in store. All made simpler so customers can shop how they want and the staff have the tools to close the sale every time. Shopify's point of sale system is a unified command center for your retail business. It brings together in store and online operations across up to 1,000 locations. So if you had a thousand locations, Shopify can still take care of you. I'm talking heavy bike operations they got going for small business for big companies, whatever you need, they got you. You get all the big stuff for your small business right with Shopify. Great way to say that. The big stuff for your small business. Get it right with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com garbage. Go to shopify.com garbage one more time. Shopify.com garbage do it.

[H. Foley]

Do it, Kevin. Talking about Nutrafol.

[Kevin Ryan]

Shout out to Nutrafol Gang.

[H. Foley]

Gang. If you don't know Nutrafol, it is the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement brand trusted by over one and a half million people. And you can feel great about what you're putting into your body. Since Nutrafol hair growth supplements are backed by peer reviewed studies and NSF contents certified the gold standard in a third party certification of supplements.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes, adding Nutrafol into your daily routine is simple. You purchase online, no prescription required, automated deliveries and free shipping that keep you on track. Plus a Nutrafol subscription you can save up to 20%.

[Jordan Jensen]

Whoo.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's a lot of cashy. You'll have access to a free one on one natural naturopathetic doctor consults to support your hair growth journey and headspace meditation membership is included.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's.

[Kevin Ryan]

Listen, that's a lot of bundle pack we're talking about. They're giving you the goods. You can see thicker, stronger, faster growing hair with less shedding in just three to six months with Nutrivol for a limited time, Nutrafol is offering our listeners $10 off your first month subscription and free shipping when you go to nutrafol.com and enter the promo code GARBAGE. Find out why Nutrafol is the best selling hair growth supplement [e-mail] spelled n u t r a f o l.com promo code garbage. That's nutrafol.com promo code garbage.

[Jordan Jensen]

Do it.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right, I'm assuming this is a yes. This is just for my personal records. Have you ever owned a butterfly knife or a switchblade?

[Jordan Jensen]

I have one. I use it every day. Switchblade?

[Kevin Ryan]

Really?

[Jordan Jensen]

I love my switchblade. It's how I get out of my house because my door is broken.

[H. Foley]

What?

[Kevin Ryan]

What do you live on Rikers Island?

[H. Foley]

How you get out of your house?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, there's a guy who stands in front of my door and every day he gets caught and I've changed it a million times but it just keeps getting caught. So I have to use the knife to get get myself.

[H. Foley]

I thought you were a handy person.

[Jordan Jensen]

I know I've switched it, but it's just the thing I'd have to switch the know about. I have to take. I have to fix the whole door. And I'm not fixing the whole door because I don't live there and it's not my apartment. I don't plan on being there very long.

[H. Foley]

Some apartment is it? That was your place.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, but I didn't buy it.

[H. Foley]

You don't rent it.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, right. And I've done so much work on it that the door is.

[H. Foley]

Are we still in the same said place that you've been in?

[Jordan Jensen]

The little tiny one?

[H. Foley]

Has there been any changes in that arena at all? A new apartment? I know we know you Got the house, car.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Not that. Yeah. Anything, or are you looking to make a change?

[Jordan Jensen]

My motorcycle got stolen, okay? Which is good, because I wanted to get rid of it, but I was too stressed out to do it. Huh.

[Kevin Ryan]

You get the insurance?

[Jordan Jensen]

No. It was fifteen hundred dollars. Please take it. Just get it away from me.

[H. Foley]

Did you have anything on it?

[Jordan Jensen]

No.

[H. Foley]

You were driving around. You were running around. No insurance.

[Jordan Jensen]

No casualty Reliability Motorcycle license.

[H. Foley]

What the. Was there a license plate on it?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, you can get the license plate. And isn't that weird? I had a little license plate. I went through a breakup. I got rid of the motorcycle. I started a new diet. I have a Netflix special coming out.

[H. Foley]

You do?

[Jordan Jensen]

I was in a movie that's coming out.

[Kevin Ryan]

Whoa.

[Jordan Jensen]

Bradley Cooper. What else is.

[Kevin Ryan]

What else is Doing well?

[Jordan Jensen]

It's good. Good things.

[H. Foley]

Very well. Yeah, we'd love to hear it.

[Jordan Jensen]

Got a second therapist two times a week now. What are we doing?

[Kevin Ryan]

Things sound like they're going really good.

[H. Foley]

Zoom. Or in person for the psych. For the therapist.

[Jordan Jensen]

In person.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

I have to go in.

[H. Foley]

You got to go in?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, I got to go in. Yeah. I got to go in. They demand I go in Sometimes I say, can I do zoom? And they say, no, you have to come in here.

[Kevin Ryan]

Gotta get eyes on you. Legally. Legally, I gotta do a wellness check. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

See the switchblade? If you hit it. If you ran into a car, say you're on the motorcycle and you're pulling out. You bump a car, you scrape a car, go away, you're out. No, no, no. Nothing.

[Jordan Jensen]

Not New York. Everybody's a beast.

[Kevin Ryan]

I kind of got to give you. There's a.

[Jordan Jensen]

If I'm Minnesota, maybe. If I'm in a sweet Montana, possibly. But New York, it's all. It's all. What's it called? Dog war. Doggy. Dog.

[Kevin Ryan]

Doggy.

[Jordan Jensen]

Dog. What's it called? Dog Wars.

[Kevin Ryan]

Moose Wars.

[H. Foley]

Moose Wars.

[Kevin Ryan]

When was the last. A nice restaurant? What was last. What was the last restaurant you were at?

[H. Foley]

Is there anything refined that you might do?

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't go to restaurants.

[Kevin Ryan]

What was the last one?

[H. Foley]

Nice date. Wine. No wine, but nice appetizers.

[Jordan Jensen]

Does it count if something was, like, catered? There was like a catering.

[H. Foley]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

Maybe. I'd like to see where this goes, please.

[Jordan Jensen]

Their wedding had cater.

[Kevin Ryan]

You just told me about that.

[Jordan Jensen]

Restaurant. Diner.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, no.

[Jordan Jensen]

Like a restaurant. I don't do that.

[Kevin Ryan]

You've had. I know. I know. You're not. You can't even recall the last time you were like, you know what? I got a Friend in town, we're gonna pop over to a Minetta Gallagher's.

[H. Foley]

Smith and Lewinsky's, something like that.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, sweet green. I order sweet green a lot. Sweet green. I go to a lot. I don't go to restaurants. It's a bunch of. They put a bunch of seed oil on your. It makes you feel bad. You have to pay this. Who'? She fucking sits down at your table and she's like, how are we doing tonight? I'm not doing it. I hate you. I hate this whole world. I hate the service world.

[H. Foley]

So we're a seed oil.

[Jordan Jensen]

And now all of a sudden, I can't treat her like a slave, and I have to treat her like a person all of a sudden, you know what I mean? You're not allowed to be like, excuse me, why is it taking forever anymore? Now it's like, whoa, you need to. You know what I mean? Now it's all like workers rights and.

[H. Foley]

Shit, you know, There's a space in the middle there between slavery and best friend.

[Jordan Jensen]

You used to be able to just, like, order what you want. Now they're like, you can't change anything. You can't do anything. The chef is a God, and I don't want you here to begin with. And we don't need your service. And it used to be.

[Kevin Ryan]

I will get. Especially in New York, that. That a lot of that happens where it's like you feel very like. It's not like I knocked on your door and came in your apartment and sat down at your table and started eating your food. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'll give you that. It's some of the. Some of the more shittier spots, huh?

[H. Foley]

Let's go a little more.

[Jordan Jensen]

You guys go to restaurants?

[H. Foley]

Restaurants?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

You talking about appetizers? Glass of wine?

[Kevin Ryan]

We're a big restaurant crew.

[Jordan Jensen]

Wow.

[Kevin Ryan]

We're two fat guys, you know, who like a cocktail.

[H. Foley]

Bone in.

[Jordan Jensen]

I eat tuna.

[Kevin Ryan]

Whoa. Quit bragging.

[Jordan Jensen]

Just tuna fish is what I eat all day. Probably have mercury poisoning.

[Kevin Ryan]

What can.

[Jordan Jensen]

Tuna fish in it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Brand.

[Jordan Jensen]

Skipjack.

[H. Foley]

What the. Wait a minute. Didn't somebody just tell us about this? No. What was.

[Kevin Ryan]

Get your hands off of me.

[H. Foley]

Yo, Jack Mac.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's what they serve in prison. Skip Jack.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's the type of tune.

[Kevin Ryan]

Skipjack Tuna.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

If you're looking for the US Nuclear submarine. Wait, what?

[Jordan Jensen]

Don't. Don't get. Exit out of that. Exit out of that.

[H. Foley]

Skipjack tuna.

[Jordan Jensen]

Type in safe catch. That's the type I get.

[H. Foley]

Okay, so it's.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's class Wild. Caught.

[H. Foley]

Wild Caught. Tuner.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay. It looks pretty good. It is 459 8. 450 9. A can over there.

[H. Foley]

Trader Joe's Purchase.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's a union market purchase.

[H. Foley]

Union Market.

[Jordan Jensen]

Such a ripoff.

[H. Foley]

But where's that?

[Kevin Ryan]

What are you shopping in the 50s? Union market.

[Jordan Jensen]

Such.

[Kevin Ryan]

Where is that?

[Jordan Jensen]

It's in New York. It's everywhere.

[Kevin Ryan]

Union Market, Houston Street.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay, it's you. You don't even walk into it because you can see it's such.

[Kevin Ryan]

This one on the corner. Yeah, I know, I know.

[H. Foley]

That's a fancy joint.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, what's that?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, they get all my money.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's all right. That's a nice joint, I'll give you that. Yeah, that's all right.

[H. Foley]

Let's go a little more rudimentary. I think that's the right word. Probably isn't. When you're getting dressed, okay, you're putting your shoes on. You go, sock, shoe, socks. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so sorry.

[Jordan Jensen]

And I never wanted to admit that out loud. I do suck. Shoe socks.

[H. Foley]

You folks, if you just felt a cold shiver go up your spine. Had a sock shoe.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's the. It's something about adhd. It's like, the sock goes on, and I'm like, the shoe goes on, and then I look and I'm like, oh, I did sock shoe, socksu again. But it happens.

[Kevin Ryan]

So you're going, pants, then sock shoe, socks.

[Jordan Jensen]

I. Yeah, sock shoe, dude. You know what I do? I change.

[Kevin Ryan]

I can't get a read on this, bro.

[Jordan Jensen]

Sometimes I do that. Sometimes I change my pants, and I refuse to take off the shoe, so I get stuck. Do you do that?

[H. Foley]

No, I. Well, I can't do that now, but I know what you're saying, right? If I. If I'm shorts in it. Yeah, I will do that.

[Jordan Jensen]

No. How silly is that, though, when you catch yourself with the underwear? Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's brutal.

[H. Foley]

Porn stars.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's crazy.

[Kevin Ryan]

My Tim's on.

[Jordan Jensen]

I definitely don't feel like a porn star.

[Kevin Ryan]

Huh. Wow.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's. The other day this actually happened. This is how I know my ADHD is. I was. I did sock shoe. And my. And my friend Jake comes into the hotel, and he's like, we have to go. And I had been googling shoes I wanted to buy, and I was like, should I buy these? And I had a barefoot and sock shoe, sock shoe. And he was like, you got to get yourself together. I mean, you got to medicate.

[Kevin Ryan]

Head trauma.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[H. Foley]

One shoes on your hand.

[Kevin Ryan]

What. What were the shoes you were looking to buy?

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't know.

[Kevin Ryan]

You don't remember?

[Jordan Jensen]

Probably new Blundstones. I buy new Blundstones constantly.

[H. Foley]

What's Blundstones?

[Jordan Jensen]

They're these. I just wear through them.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

Figured if you're a Doc Marten gal.

[Jordan Jensen]

I love docs. Yeah, but Blundstones are more. Docs are too heavy. And I'm in the park for, like, many hours a day running around with.

[H. Foley]

The dog with it.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Chasing squirrels with the dog. What? All right, let's say you're. You're getting in the shower, right?

[Jordan Jensen]

Sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay. I don't know why. This took a. Took an odd turn.

[Jordan Jensen]

Sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

No. And will you get it? The water spraying.

[H. Foley]

It's a traditional. It's a traditional bath shower. So. So the shower head is here?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, you get in on shower head side or the back and enter the water.

[Jordan Jensen]

Too small. It's all the same.

[Kevin Ryan]

But it's. Say you're in a hotel.

[H. Foley]

Oh.

[Jordan Jensen]

Away.

[Kevin Ryan]

You get away.

[Jordan Jensen]

Get away.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

What are you, nuts?

[Kevin Ryan]

He gets. He gets in.

[Jordan Jensen]

Sucks.

[H. Foley]

You. Suck. You.

[Jordan Jensen]

I face it towards the wall sometimes. Get in and prepare myself. Yeah, yeah, totally. You don't know what that thing's doing. Especially in a hotel. Chaos. My whole thing is up. It's all alchemy in my shower.

[H. Foley]

So I have that all sorted out before I get in there. I'm feeling it. I know what the temperature of the water is.

[Kevin Ryan]

But why.

[Jordan Jensen]

I still don't understand why. Your face. Right in.

[H. Foley]

Right in.

[Jordan Jensen]

Did you make it a conscious decision to do this?

[Kevin Ryan]

No. He learned on the show that that's not what everybody does.

[H. Foley]

I didn't know a year ago. In the back. You on the back.

[Jordan Jensen]

Do you ball or do you fold toilet paper?

[H. Foley]

Ball.

[Jordan Jensen]

Same.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, People fold now. I. Yeah, like that.

[Jordan Jensen]

And I also loop and ball. Loop and ball is a thing. Folding. Some people fold.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, you don't. I. Around the hand.

[H. Foley]

That's. People do that.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, around the hand, but then it goes into ball.

[H. Foley]

Yes, that's.

[Jordan Jensen]

You got to have the ball.

[Kevin Ryan]

Because you lose control of the ball and the.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, the ball has many edges that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Are like, what's bad?

[Jordan Jensen]

That's what's good.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, because then you come out of there, you ain't got control over them.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, it's too crazy when you go straight.

[H. Foley]

No, I also do this. If it's in a roller, I take it off the roller and I. I do my. Then I put it back.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm against these. These little rollers, these things where you have to undo it? No.

[H. Foley]

Fascinated me as a kid, though, how that worked. The spring inside.

[Jordan Jensen]

I know.

[H. Foley]

I used to take that apart like it was a ours.

[Jordan Jensen]

Dude.

[Kevin Ryan]

Ours was broken and we use electrical tape on it for my whole entire childhood. Trash. But I think both the upstairs and the downstairs bathroom. I remember being like, this got to be a nickel. Like, this has to be a nickel. Times were tight.

[H. Foley]

Are you still using the prescription deodorant?

[Jordan Jensen]

No.

[H. Foley]

What are you on now?

[Jordan Jensen]

00. No breakup. No. No. Since breakup. I don't wear deodorant.

[H. Foley]

Since breakup.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. I felt like I was. I was called Stinky a lot. So now I don't wear deodorant because I like the way I smell.

[H. Foley]

Who called you stinky?

[Jordan Jensen]

The guy I was dating said I thought I was stinky. I am stinky, but I like the stink.

[H. Foley]

Said you smelled.

[Jordan Jensen]

Well, I smell you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Dating an 8th grader.

[Jordan Jensen]

I smell you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Gross.

[Jordan Jensen]

You would do if we were dating. You'd be like, jordan, you stink.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

Like B.O. yeah. Yeah. Jesus.

[H. Foley]

Really?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Kevin, I'm not.

[Jordan Jensen]

No. Leave it alone.

[H. Foley]

What's that all about?

[Jordan Jensen]

I like the way it smells. I don't like the way deodorant smells. It smells like. To me. I like the way people's. BO Smells. Most people, if they're.

[H. Foley]

That's bad.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm assuming. I usually ask the gentleman this. Do you know how to tie a tie?

[Jordan Jensen]

I do. My dad.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Okay. I've earned a big mouth. Billy Bass.

[H. Foley]

Of course.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay. Take me to the.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're gonna get flagged for copyright infringement.

[Jordan Jensen]

I know all the songs on that. There was. There was the Bob Marley song.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, right. I had a knockoff one. There wasn't. I didn't. We didn't have the actual one.

[H. Foley]

Wasn't. Don't Worry, Be Happy. One of them.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Don't Worry, Be happy. Talking Heads was on it.

[H. Foley]

Talking Heads.

[Jordan Jensen]

There's a Talking Head song?

[Kevin Ryan]

I think a Deck clearance.

[H. Foley]

Which one?

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't know.

[H. Foley]

And she was.

[Jordan Jensen]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

What do you got, Lucas? Take Me to the River. Don't worry, Be happy. I will survive. That's good. Act naturally. Staying alive.

[Jordan Jensen]

There's no Talking Head song.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't see one.

[Jordan Jensen]

Wow. I fabricated that deeper.

[Kevin Ryan]

I had an alt one aftermarket.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. I loved Billy the best. I loved that.

[Kevin Ryan]

That when that hit, I mean, that took. Oh, that was like the funniest. Like, not the fun. I mean, it was. You were just like, holy. I've never seen anything like that.

[Jordan Jensen]

Isn't that crazy that that blew our Minds at that point now we have AI like, recreating.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's. So it was like a fish that talk, and then when he comes up off the board, you go, oh, yeah, yeah. This goddamn fish can do it. All talking Heads version of the song. Take me to the river.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay.

[H. Foley]

Wow.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, take me to the river. I just put that together. He's got to get back to the water.

[H. Foley]

Are you kidding me?

[Kevin Ryan]

No, that's crazy. Swear to God.

[H. Foley]

Drop me in the water, Take me to the river. Get me back home.

[Kevin Ryan]

I know. I get it. I just said I put it together. What's.

[H. Foley]

What's the car is still. The truck. Still have the truck.

[Jordan Jensen]

I have a truck. But I did buy a used. What are they called? VW Tiguan.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, yes.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's a.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's a smart, sensible purchase.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm doing. Sensible purchase. I just paid off $64,000 in student loans.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wait, why?

[Jordan Jensen]

It was crushing my credit score.

[H. Foley]

That doesn't matter. What was your credit score?

[Jordan Jensen]

5. Who cares?

[Kevin Ryan]

No, you can't get nothing.

[Jordan Jensen]

I couldn't get an apartment, and my apartment's so tiny, and I was. I felt trapped because I wanted to get an apartment and kept asking, get an apartment, man.

[H. Foley]

You gotta get. You gotta get. Find the good deal.

[Jordan Jensen]

I went a good however many years without paying it, and then I just had it. So I paid it. I know to learn nothing. How to blow dudes on.

[Kevin Ryan]

I could have taught you that for free.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's so up. I learned how to go like this with a vodka handle and crack that little plastic top off so you could chug it. That's what I learned in my four years.

[Kevin Ryan]

Speaking of the Billy Bass, any other as seen on TV products in your childhood that you remember?

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, my God. Yes, we bought the. This was a big deal. The. It was. It was.

[Kevin Ryan]

I can guarantee it was not.

[Jordan Jensen]

It was like this big. It was covered in black goo, and then behind it was rainbow. And you'd use like a. You know what I'm talking about. You'd use, like, an implement to uncover the rainbow and draw with it. What's that called? What?

[H. Foley]

Oh, I know what you're talking about.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, my God.

[H. Foley]

It was like an etching sketch kind of sucked.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wait, Rainbow? Black toy.

[H. Foley]

No, it was like. It was like that kind of stuff that was on.

[Kevin Ryan]

That is not.

[H. Foley]

That was on a scratch off. Right.

[Kevin Ryan]

It was.

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't know how you're gonna find it. Imagine a board like this, and on TV, it looked like you went like this with a Little like.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, like a rake or something.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yes.

[H. Foley]

And it was not a rake. Like a etching sketch.

[Jordan Jensen]

Like a. It was like a little flat thing, and you'd like. Like a shovel. More like. And you move it around, and it would create art. And you'd be like, oh, my God. How do they do that? That's amazing. And then you got it, and it was just black goo that you were moving.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes.

[Jordan Jensen]

Every time you undo it. Make art. And it was bullshit.

[H. Foley]

Put it back.

[Kevin Ryan]

Marvin's magic drawing board.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, Marvin. Yeah. I wanted it forever.

[H. Foley]

You were sweating on the keyboard getting that one out.

[Jordan Jensen]

What else? As seen on tv, did I get? I think probably, like. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay, let me see. I don't remember this.

[H. Foley]

Chicken rotate romple.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, that. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

That's just a goo.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's just goo. It looks like it's gonna be so cool.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. There's no actual magic.

[H. Foley]

So pissed off, you put it back to complete black.

[Jordan Jensen]

It was hard. It was. It was gross forever.

[Kevin Ryan]

Were you ever into sand art?

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, my God, yes, dude. Sand art. Boondoggle.

[Kevin Ryan]

Boondock.

[Jordan Jensen]

Stop it.

[H. Foley]

That moonshine.

[Jordan Jensen]

You stop Boondoggle. You guys don't know what boondoggle is? Every. Yeah, I'll you up Boondoggle.

[H. Foley]

That's what that's called.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, my God. It was for broads.

[H. Foley]

Wait, those are plastic, though, right? Yeah, we made the thread ones back the day.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Friendship bracelets. Those were good.

[H. Foley]

Wearing one of those.

[Jordan Jensen]

We should do that more. It'd be good for our brains. Yeah, I'm gonna boondoggle.

[H. Foley]

Okay. I thought it was popular for a little while.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Weren't they making those at Taylor Swift shows or something like that?

[Kevin Ryan]

The friendship bracelets.

[Jordan Jensen]

The friendship bracelets, but not the ones that you're talking about. They made the stupid bead ones that says, like, people have made me them. That's like.

[H. Foley]

I remember my dad taking me to Michael's to get that. He's like, what's this for? I'm like, I'm making a friendship. I couldn't braid at all either. I was terrible at braid.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, yeah. I remember we'd have them all stacked up. I had to play a basketball game where they had to cut him off.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

But I cried. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

I don't like when the dudes where too much of that stuff. Now Tucci does that.

[Jordan Jensen]

Tucci's got, like, Stanley Tucci.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, Tucci stinks. Well documented. Get out.

[Jordan Jensen]

The guy on the train just now was like, I'm a huge fan. And he was so attractive. And I was like, oh, here we go. And then he turned and he had, like, a Buddha bead necklace on with a cross on it and like a bracelet. And I was like. It was crazy. Yeah. It really can somebody up. You can't do it. You have to be so careful. It's one single chain or bust. Maybe a ring if you have some sort of ethnic quality, maybe.

[Kevin Ryan]

I couldn't agree more.

[Jordan Jensen]

Right.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's the first time I've ever been there. You know what? She's making sense.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's true.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Buddha necklace, it was.

[Jordan Jensen]

You know what I mean, with the little beads and there was a cross on it. And I knew what he was saying. He was like, all religion is get love or whatever. Said that he didn't. But I could see it on the cross mixed with Buddha necklace, man.

[H. Foley]

You find out what he did?

[Jordan Jensen]

No, he just said. He quotes me with his family a lot, which is so nice. Isn't that nice?

[Kevin Ryan]

Sounds like a bad family.

[Jordan Jensen]

But, you know, when you quote somebody, like, I quote Liar Liar a lot with my family, you know.

[Kevin Ryan]

What's the go to from liar?

[Jordan Jensen]

The go to is weight. 105.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. In your bra. I say that to him weekly.

[Jordan Jensen]

I say it all the time.

[H. Foley]

Me.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Which. Great. Yes, great.

[Jordan Jensen]

Great.

[Kevin Ryan]

That and I'm kicking my ass.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm kicking my ass.

[Kevin Ryan]

Were you ever into hemp necklaces?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Oh, my God. In third grade, I had a hemp necklace.

[Kevin Ryan]

Third grade seems young for.

[Jordan Jensen]

We didn't know. They didn't know. And. And I was a nature freak. Like, I thought I was like a sorceress of nature. And as you do, and I. I begged my mom to buy me this one necklace that. A bead on it with a leaf. And I wore it every day. And then finally the teacher called and was like, hey, it's a pot leaf around your third grader's neck. Like, you obviously know that. My mom was like. She wanted it. It.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay. Huh.

[H. Foley]

What about a shark's tooth? You ever have a shark's tooth?

[Jordan Jensen]

No, but I kissed boys that did.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Jordan Jensen]

By playing. By playing a game called tag. And if you get tagged, you have to kiss me in order to get untagged.

[H. Foley]

What's the other necklace?

[Kevin Ryan]

I like how you just walk right by that. Fucking cry for help.

[H. Foley]

So no sharks, too.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay, fair enough. I had one. Not. I bought one as a bit. Not too long. As a joke. We were down the shore, then I found it recently. And I was like, I really want to break this thing the back out.

[Jordan Jensen]

I think you could. I think it's back.

[Kevin Ryan]

If I had it on right now. That was just. That was just my way of bringing it in. I. I think you like guys who wear shark necklaces.

[Jordan Jensen]

Just wondering.

[Kevin Ryan]

I take my ring off, can you.

[H. Foley]

Say, okay, either one of those cars? Can you say, without a doubt, unequivocally, there is no fast food French fries somewhere in that car?

[Jordan Jensen]

Which car?

[H. Foley]

Either one. The truck or the.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't pay. You're not a. Fast food.

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't do fast food.

[Kevin Ryan]

She's on a. She's not good.

[Jordan Jensen]

There's tuna cans, sardine cans. There's fish.

[Kevin Ryan]

There's empty tuna cans.

[Jordan Jensen]

For sure. Me and my dog share it. Me and my dog share the tuna can together.

[H. Foley]

Wait, hold on a second.

[Jordan Jensen]

What?

[Kevin Ryan]

No, you heard it.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, and there's car hearts in it that I pissed in.

[Kevin Ryan]

There's a pair of pants.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, I need to take them out, but, yeah, that's in there. Like, I took them down to piss in the woods and I just peed into them. You know what I mean? Like, I used it as a bucket by accident and just peed in it.

[H. Foley]

The tuna cans, there's. They're not licked clean, right? There's residue.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, they look clean.

[H. Foley]

Does the car smell like tuna?

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't think it smells like lemon zest.

[Jordan Jensen]

Tuna.

[Kevin Ryan]

Most things.

[H. Foley]

And when you say you share it with the dog.

[Jordan Jensen]

We share the tuna can.

[H. Foley]

Like, here's a piece of. Or you're both.

[Jordan Jensen]

I used to let her lick out the can, and then I realized it was sharp and I was worried about it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[Jordan Jensen]

Smart. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

The dog lists out of the can and then you're eating it.

[Jordan Jensen]

You know what the grossest thing I do. I'll give. I think we'll be out at the park and I'll get water for myself and I'll give it to her, and then I'll drink it again.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's how you get, like, parvage.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. That lady lost all of her limbs doing that. She got some kind of bacteria.

[Kevin Ryan]

Who are you? Your mother. Shut up.

[Jordan Jensen]

My mom always says that to me about. She brings up that person.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, yeah. Like licking quarters and stuff off the sidewalk.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like my good bit I had at the beginning.

[H. Foley]

That's what I'm talking about.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do you remember any of your AOL screen names?

[Jordan Jensen]

Slow Joe 23?

[Kevin Ryan]

What the is Slow Joe?

[Jordan Jensen]

It was like I. I was really into, like, 50 Cent and I wanted a rapper name and. Yeah. And I was really slow.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, so you were Slow George.

[Jordan Jensen]

I walked really slow.

[Kevin Ryan]

You were really into 50 cents. What age? What year? How old are you? When 50. When 50 dropped. Because that was a big time and I was a big time in my life.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. When did 21 questions come out?

[Kevin Ryan]

It would have been 2003. 2002.

[Jordan Jensen]

So how old you were?

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, you were. So then you were five years younger than me. You were 12.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, 12.

[Kevin Ryan]

That.

[H. Foley]

I was gonna say third grade 12 because she hadn't shot somebody.

[Jordan Jensen]

Well, I love 50 Cent by the vinyl.

[Kevin Ryan]

I wanna. I want him on the show so bad.

[H. Foley]

Oh, yeah, be cool.

[Jordan Jensen]

He's. He's just the best.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's the coolest.

[Jordan Jensen]

I really rooted for him over Kanye when that whole thing.

[Kevin Ryan]

I only bought his. I went to buy both of them, and Kanye's was sold out. And I was like, this is a bad look for my boy right here.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. And then everybody was like, you're. Because Kanye's the goat and 50 cents sucks. And now Kanye's a Nazi. We're on top. Although that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hear that?

[Jordan Jensen]

That song is a little catchy.

[Kevin Ryan]

What's completely. I don't even know what you're talking about.

[H. Foley]

Wait, hold on. Do you ever have a vinyl to any album? You own any records now?

[Jordan Jensen]

I do, but. No, I've never. I mean, I always wanted to be that person, but never was.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

I can't tell the difference.

[H. Foley]

I didn't know where I was going with that. I just want to be a part of you guys. Music conversation.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

You guys ever hear my demo? Joe Slow. Did you try rapping?

[Jordan Jensen]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

I tried alone. Yeah?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

Alone.

[Kevin Ryan]

And we could collab on a record sometime on each other's projects.

[H. Foley]

Do you answer your phone?

[Jordan Jensen]

No.

[H. Foley]

Okay. If it's a number you don't know.

[Jordan Jensen]

I never answer my phone.

[H. Foley]

Even if it's. It's Ian.

[Jordan Jensen]

Nope.

[Kevin Ryan]

We don't answer. What are you nuts?

[H. Foley]

Really?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. I never.

[H. Foley]

Hey, man, you never.

[Jordan Jensen]

You look at it a hundred percent, no matter who it is.

[H. Foley]

What if it's the suits or something like that?

[Jordan Jensen]

It always is the suits. And I never answer. I just. There's something about it.

[H. Foley]

I send a text.

[Jordan Jensen]

I send a text and I go, what's up? I'm.

[H. Foley]

That would drive me.

[Kevin Ryan]

I wish there should. There should be an excuse because I'm the same way. I wish there was a. Hey. I can't answer emotionally, I'm driving. Like, you know how you can go like that?

[H. Foley]

I get.

[Kevin Ryan]

I know, but you can't say, like. Because then you should take the call. Like, I need a. I need something like, hey, I can't take the call.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm like, something. Watching people drive. I'm in the back, walking into traffic.

[H. Foley]

When I call somebody and I get a text back, hey, what's up? It infuriates.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's my go to with you. What do you need?

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't want to get trapped on the phone. It's very claustrophobic to me.

[H. Foley]

Trapped into what?

[Jordan Jensen]

Trapped into any amount of. This is what I'll be. My manager will call. He'll be like, hey, I got a few questions. And I'll be like, okay, go. And by the second, by number two, I realize we're not done, and I start panicking. And I'm like, I. We have to pick this up later. I have to go. And then it's rude, but if I just don't pick up, I'm not rude. I'm busy. I'm on do not disturb 100 of the time also.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

David Tell texted me.

[H. Foley]

There you go.

[Kevin Ryan]

Later.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's awesome. He never texts me. That's crazy. I like that. That was nice. See, you get little surprises when you're on do not disturb.

[H. Foley]

There you go. Did you pee in your pants last week?

[Kevin Ryan]

Do you do a bit about peeing in your car? Arts.

[Jordan Jensen]

Do you guys poop in your pants?

[H. Foley]

What do you mean?

[Kevin Ryan]

Like recreationally? Him more so.

[Jordan Jensen]

I just. You boys be pooping in your pants a lot. Like, I have a lot of. I've never pooped. One time I pooped in my pants and I was in preschool. Totally fine.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're telling me.

[Jordan Jensen]

But you guys. I know. No, it's true. I was on the road with Segura and he shit in his pants. Just on tour a little bit.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm not like.

[H. Foley]

I don't. I've only ever fully pooped in my pants once.

[Jordan Jensen]

But that's crazy to once in your life poop in your. It's like the one bodily function jammed.

[H. Foley]

I got stuck in traffic. I didn't make it.

[Jordan Jensen]

And you just. Shit.

[H. Foley]

I couldn't. I couldn't take another step.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, you were walking. Yes, I was walking almost to the house. It's almost brutal.

[H. Foley]

I literally did.

[Kevin Ryan]

I couldn't throw it away.

[Jordan Jensen]

Or do you wash it?

[H. Foley]

Huh?

[Jordan Jensen]

You throw away or you wash it?

[H. Foley]

Everything I throw was. It was like in the Pulp Fiction. It was a whole thing.

[Jordan Jensen]

Incinerate. Yeah. Yes.

[H. Foley]

Everything was cleaned up, thrown out. Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's crazy how much you guys poop your pants and get skid marks.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Every one of my friends the other day, I Reach into a back of a friend's car to grab a towel. It is all the seed oil and servers. It's servers.

[Kevin Ryan]

I didn't say this.

[H. Foley]

The male digestive system gets all wonky as it gets older.

[Kevin Ryan]

I was changing my son's diaper the other day, and I. At the same time, oh, my God. Moment of like, dude, my man, I.

[Jordan Jensen]

Shouldn'T have this child.

[Kevin Ryan]

You are your daddy's boy.

[Jordan Jensen]

You in your pants while you're not.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like, you're saying, like, in your pants. Like, I'm like. I got. Like. I got the paper open.

[Jordan Jensen]

You were changing the boy's diaper and you farted and came out. Yes, that's in your pants.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, I gotta push back. As someone who shits, I gotta push back on this. You have no experience doing it. Grease between the cheeks. Yes.

[H. Foley]

Oh, that's What.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, is there a spurt?

[H. Foley]

Yeah, there's a spur.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, that's shitting your pants.

[Kevin Ryan]

There's propulsion. Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Propulsion is shitting your pants. This is insane.

[Kevin Ryan]

But it's. No, it's not a log.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, no, but there's no air. It's not like. It's not like. And this. I dissected this with Segura because he was like. I sharted. And I was like, bro, you're describing shitting your pants because you went to fart and a stream of poop came out. That's shitting your pants.

[H. Foley]

You don't know whether it's air or the other thing.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, you can't tell.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. You're not like. It's not a conscious decision.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, you think it's so. It literally.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, this is a fart. And then you go. That's what.

[Jordan Jensen]

You know, after. It's poop. Yeah, yeah, that's pooping your pants.

[H. Foley]

That is it on purpose, man.

[Jordan Jensen]

I know you're not doing it on purpose, but if I fart and a little bit of poop particle is there and I get a skid mark, that could be a shark. But if you fart, go to fart and it's accidentally a poop, that's pooping your pants.

[H. Foley]

All right?

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

You want from me?

[Jordan Jensen]

You accidentally poop your pants a lot.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. That's all I want from you. I don't want you to say, I accidentally fart and some poop comes out. I'm so sick of that. You.

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, your pants. I hate to break it to you. That's what happens.

[Jordan Jensen]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

I'll admit it. I'm disgusting.

[Jordan Jensen]

I hate that you guys have made up this term chart as if it's acceptable. It needs to be back.

[H. Foley]

But that's what it is.

[Kevin Ryan]

Got together and we're like, how can we fool Jordan at the meeting?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, but everything.

[Kevin Ryan]

At the hot guy meeting, at the hot guys who fart a little bit of poop comes out meeting. Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

At the guys who everybody loves and wants to be around meeting at everybody's.

[H. Foley]

Favorite boys at the higher Regency hotel this Saturday, 2 o'.

[Kevin Ryan]

Clock.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's crazy. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, you're not right. It's not. You're not wrong. It's not a. It's not ideal situation, but, you know.

[Jordan Jensen]

If I was having sex with you and I bled all over your penis and I go, oops, I queefed, you'd be like, no, you pussy bled all over my penis.

[H. Foley]

It's a pretty extreme.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, it's not. No, it's not. Blood and poop are equivalent. Blood and poop are just as bad.

[H. Foley]

No, they are not.

[Jordan Jensen]

Blood and poop are equivalent. Would you rather have poop?

[H. Foley]

I never got shot and shit all over the place. I guess you could.

[Jordan Jensen]

What?

[H. Foley]

I don't know.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hey, world's worst analogy. That didn't even make sense.

[H. Foley]

Well, we know you get cut.

[Kevin Ryan]

Never my pants and fingered myself on my period.

[Jordan Jensen]

I've never gotten hard on my own.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wait, wait, no, it's got to be your bowl. Okay, listen, this is a goddamn family.

[H. Foley]

Let me talk about people having lunch.

[Kevin Ryan]

Set all PP and poop you God your mind out of the gutter, will you.

[H. Foley]

So no answering the phone. Will you eat at the bar if you're out at. Oh, you don't go to restaurants?

[Jordan Jensen]

Eat at the bar. Of course I would eat at the bar.

[H. Foley]

You would eat at the bar.

[Jordan Jensen]

I prefer that actually.

[H. Foley]

You prefer that alone?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

[H. Foley]

So the only place you go.

[Jordan Jensen]

Not only place, the seller.

[H. Foley]

No. Yeah, you eat at the bar at the Cellar.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, that'd be weird.

[Jordan Jensen]

Sometimes I don't.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Wait, what? Little for you at McDougal street on.

[Kevin Ryan]

The left, like before you go upstairs.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, there's a little.

[Kevin Ryan]

But that also means like, hey, I'm down here for a reason. Just like. And if you have a notebook, you just get like that.

[Jordan Jensen]

Sometimes it really doesn't work, though.

[H. Foley]

Wait, the foyer. Oh, you mean the little landing? Yeah, I love that.

[Jordan Jensen]

Me too. Me too.

[H. Foley]

You always get. One of the dishwashers is always there.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[H. Foley]

That's real incognito. Especially in the winter when they pull the curtain.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Who the Hell's back there.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

That's nice and cozy. It is nice, and I'll give you that.

[Jordan Jensen]

I fall asleep a lot in the.

[H. Foley]

Balcony, I'll give you that.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Comfy up there?

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, yeah.

[H. Foley]

What's the. What's the meal that you're pulling over there?

[Jordan Jensen]

Chicken skewer, green beans.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do you do any cooking at home? Eggs or anything? You said you make eggs.

[Jordan Jensen]

Hard boiled eggs.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's it.

[H. Foley]

God.

[Kevin Ryan]

Will you do a scramble?

[H. Foley]

Damn it.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm not. In the winter. I'll do a scramble in the summer. It's got to be hard boiled.

[Kevin Ryan]

What are you doing with that eggshell? You're making eggs? Where did. Where's that shell go?

[Jordan Jensen]

Garbage.

[Kevin Ryan]

In the garbage?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

You peel the whole shell and then eat it? Or are you eating. Are you peeling, like, half the shell and eating it?

[Kevin Ryan]

Wow.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, I haven't considered that. I'm obsessed with peeling the shells off. I put them in a water bowl and then I just get to, like a little Chinese woman making a goddamn.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, There's a thing. If you put it in a jar with water and shake it up, the whole thing comes right out.

[Jordan Jensen]

No way. No way.

[Kevin Ryan]

Gotta shit your pants first.

[Jordan Jensen]

Are you serious?

[H. Foley]

I'm serious.

[Jordan Jensen]

I have so many jars on Instagram. Is it one egg at a time?

[H. Foley]

Shake it up?

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't know. It's one of those things where you only see the one video of it. And it could be some editing.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's like, oh, my God, I'm gonna do it. I'll tag you guys, because, you know.

[Kevin Ryan]

Can't wait.

[H. Foley]

You know what I did the other night? Have you guys seen Jose? Andre? Talk about the best omelet he ever had, where he takes one egg, scrambles it into a little ramekin with a spoonful of mayonnaise, puts it in the microwave for 30 seconds. He says it's the best omelet he ever had. Did it the other night. Unbelievable. Nuh. Unbelievable.

[Jordan Jensen]

What's a ramekin?

[Kevin Ryan]

What is that, the little white, like, sausages you would see, I think a restaurant butter that.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

Sauce like this?

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like ramekin.

[H. Foley]

A ramekin? You don't know what a ramekin is?

[Jordan Jensen]

A ramekin sounds like a small man.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's my buddy Ram.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Johnny Ram.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Like, you would get, like, ketchup would come in, essentially.

[H. Foley]

And it exploded that big? No, it didn't explode.

[Jordan Jensen]

The omelette stays that big. Why do you want an omelet that big?

[H. Foley]

Well, it's just a Little. I don't know.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, an egg bite.

[H. Foley]

Egg bite.

[Jordan Jensen]

Egg bite. Okay, okay, okay.

[H. Foley]

I had five of them.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Okay. Okay. Good, good, good.

[H. Foley]

You don't do it in there. You do it in another bowl. You grease that a little bit with some non seed oil or some butter.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

All right. And then you. Then you get a little dish. Put an egg in there, put a spoonful of mayonnaise in there. Preferably Mike's. Shout out to them.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Scramble that up, pour it in there, put it in the microwave for 30 to 40 seconds. Comes out, flip it over, put a little chives, whatever you want on there. It's unbelievable. Wow. That's. That's not me. It's Jose. Andre, I believe that's his name, right?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Guy with the beard.

[Kevin Ryan]

Jose Andreas, I believe.

[H. Foley]

There you go.

[Kevin Ryan]

There you go.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm on the most diet. I can't eat anything.

[Kevin Ryan]

What is it?

[Jordan Jensen]

It's the Candida diet. Because every time. Well, it was a yeasty girl for a long time.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't know what that. You gotta. What do you mean? And that's by diet.

[Jordan Jensen]

Well, then I got it out of my vagina and then it spread in my butthole, which was way worse than the vagina. And then I got it out of my butthole and it was up here and it was itchy up here. And then now I do Candida diet and it's all gone. And for the first time in my life, my vagina is comfortable in itchy butthole.

[H. Foley]

Isn't that worms?

[Jordan Jensen]

Butthole is brute. No, it was a yeast infection because you have too much Candida. It's in your body. It gives you brain fog. It was making me so stupid. And it just is eating you away in the way that you find out is you have itchy holes. And I had an itchy hole and then I got it out of there and it spread. It runs around. It tries to run away from you. Isn't that crazy?

[Kevin Ryan]

Sounds it. Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Isn't that crazy that our vagina is just a fucking spore? Isn't that fucked up?

[H. Foley]

I don't know if it's.

[Kevin Ryan]

How you spell it is.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's just an open fucking C.N.

[H. Foley]

D I.

[Kevin Ryan]

What is Candida albicanes?

[Jordan Jensen]

If you look up scabies, that's the woman that I really want to look like growing up. Or shingles. Shingles?

[H. Foley]

You have shingles?

[Jordan Jensen]

No, but if you Google shingles, because I'm always worried I have shingles, that's the woman that I want to look like the Google Search that they give you. Oh, no, she's out there. You gotta look on your phone. She's not there. You gotta do any phone.

[H. Foley]

Wait. You want to look like her at home?

[Kevin Ryan]

You want to look like David? Tell Google shingles.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'll show you her. I want to look like her when I grow up.

[H. Foley]

You want to have shingles when you grow up?

[Jordan Jensen]

No, I just like the. They always have a drawing of. Yeah, look at her. Oh, my God.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's an attractive older lady I got you.

[H. Foley]

Look at her without the shingles.

[Jordan Jensen]

Without the shingles.

[Kevin Ryan]

Silver fox.

[Jordan Jensen]

Look at that lady. Yeah, I could be that, right?

[H. Foley]

Yeah, sure.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't know why you're, like, pushing off the goals until you're 50 or 70.

[Jordan Jensen]

I could have shingles today.

[Kevin Ryan]

You put your mind to it.

[H. Foley]

So no cereal. You're not eating cereal. No chia chia seeds and what?

[Jordan Jensen]

Coconut milk. Chia pudding in the morning. A little too much protein powder, but make it overnight.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Pretty good.

[Jordan Jensen]

It is good. I make too much of it, though. So then I have a block in my stomach all day, and when I poop, it hurts.

[H. Foley]

Isn't that good, though? I thought it moves through.

[Jordan Jensen]

It doesn't move it. I think it. I think I'm doing too much chia seeds chemistry project. I know.

[H. Foley]

You showered in the morning, you showered at night. I'm sorry.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, I think we covered that.

[H. Foley]

Come on, dude, stop.

[Jordan Jensen]

Sometimes I do, like, sad baths where you just fill it up a little bit, splash around. I shower after I work out, which is like twice a week.

[H. Foley]

So you didn't shower today or last night?

[Jordan Jensen]

No.

[H. Foley]

You did your makeup, though?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, I washed my face.

[H. Foley]

Wash your face. Doesn't that feel weird when you put makeup on and you haven't showered?

[Jordan Jensen]

No use. I get oil. Olive oil. Take the makeup off, grab a little towel, put. Make it back on with olive oil.

[H. Foley]

Olive oil?

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm Italian.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't know what to tell you.

[Jordan Jensen]

What?

[Kevin Ryan]

Sprouts. Bonkers.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Showering is overrated. I'll do a hoe bath sometime. You know what I do? Butt bath, bro. You don't. This is how you know you're depressed when you have a T shirt on, bra and you just take off your underwear and pants and then remove the shower head and just wash your ass because you're, like, fighting some God being like, it's not technically a shower because I still have my shirt on. I don't know who that's for.

[H. Foley]

I gotta do that sometimes. After I shit your pants?

[Kevin Ryan]

Fart And a little bit of poop comes in. Do you have any half used gift cards at home or on your person?

[Jordan Jensen]

Certainly not on my person, but certainly.

[H. Foley]

Kevin or I had a booger or bad breath. Would you tell us?

[Jordan Jensen]

No, but I really tell everybody else.

[H. Foley]

Why everybody else?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, I talked to him about it.

[H. Foley]

Oh, you would tell. Foley's breath stinks. Yeah, that's up.

[Jordan Jensen]

I know.

[H. Foley]

Why wouldn't you?

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm not proud of that. I'm not proud of that, but I'm being honest.

[H. Foley]

What about Ian? Would you tell me?

[Jordan Jensen]

I'd be like, you have a. No, I wouldn't. I would never say anything, but I would not talk about your booger. But if you have halitosis. Yeah, I'd say you had halitosis to the mostest is what I say.

[H. Foley]

Really?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Have I ever had bad breath? No, Kevin. You never smell my bad breath, right?

[Kevin Ryan]

No. Stop kissing you. Months ago, though.

[H. Foley]

Real cold in the bedroom.

[Jordan Jensen]

You know the comics that have bad breath? You know it. When they're coming up, you're like, oh, you know. Yeah, yeah, they're out there.

[Kevin Ryan]

When was the last time you were on a boat and where was it?

[Jordan Jensen]

Maybe last year? California. My friend's boat at Arrowhead Lake. Arrowhead, okay. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

I was gonna ask you, when's the last time you swam in a river or lake? What has it been then?

[Jordan Jensen]

Two days ago.

[H. Foley]

Two days ago.

[Jordan Jensen]

I mean, there's like a river by the house upstate. I swim in rivers all the time. I find rivers.

[H. Foley]

No kidding?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Yeah. I'm a river finder. Hate the ocean, Love the rivers. Hate the ocean, love the river, the sand.

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, you wear shoes in the river, like, until I come, though. You're just. It's tough to get out there sometimes.

[Jordan Jensen]

It is, I know, but that's why I go low and just hand walk.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

What's going on up at that house, by the way? Are you finding some sanctuary there?

[Jordan Jensen]

I am, but we all. We had, like, a white trash incident. It was so brutal.

[Kevin Ryan]

We were listening.

[Jordan Jensen]

The neighbor. Basically, the watering hole is over the neighbor's property.

[H. Foley]

The watering hole.

[Jordan Jensen]

The place. Sorry, the. The place. The swim spot, okay, is behind my house. But it. You have to walk over these people's property. And I went up to their property and I was like, hey, is it cool if we. And they were like, yeah, no problem. But then one day, my mom was out there with her two pit bulls. My sister, who's like classic trash, had her two Pomeranians. I was screaming after my dog and the Three of us were out there with my niece that wasn't wearing any pants or underwear, just a shirt. And. And my mom was like, vega, Evie, get about her dogs. And I was screaming after my dog and. And she. The woman came out, was like, you guys can't be here anymore too much. And I, like, looked. And I looked at my, like, stupid sleeve and my mom with, like, her giant John Wick pit bulls and my sister with her fucking giant Stanley cup knockoff. And I was like, oh, you think we're. Oh, we are white trash. But then I overdid it and I, like, bought these zucchinis and, like, told her that I grew them so she would not think I was white trash, but she just wanted me to leave her alone. It was so brutal.

[Kevin Ryan]

They got the sticker on them. I grew these.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, they were apples.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wow.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

I didn't know that they were all those people. Your mom and your sister are living at that house?

[Jordan Jensen]

No, we were just all out there hanging.

[H. Foley]

But for the most part, it's. You're. You're. It's your. Your place.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Yeah. There's nobody in it right now, so.

[H. Foley]

Is there any train you find in Tranquility up there?

[Kevin Ryan]

No, she's fighting with the neighbors.

[Jordan Jensen]

I am finding Tranquility. I had a. Last time I was up there, I was going. I was in the midst of a breakup, so it was really. I felt a little like I was isolated. Yeah, isolated.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

And. But you like having your mom and your sister around.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Except for the.

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't like the drop ins. I'm against the drop ins.

[H. Foley]

You like to pop in?

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't like the pop in.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Pop out. Do you scented trash bags?

[Jordan Jensen]

No, I use scented poopy bags for my dog.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, I respect that.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

Scented trash bags.

[H. Foley]

You drink water in the middle of the night. You wake up thirsty.

[Jordan Jensen]

I have water ocd, so I have to drink a giant jug every night before bed. So I wake up like nine times to pee. I have OCD about water because I'm worried that if I take my Prozac, I'll choke on it in the night and I'll die in my sleep. And then good things will happen when I wake up, and then I won't be able to celebrate them because I'll think that I'm dead. So then I drink all the water just in case the pill is caught. But it's gotten out of control, so now I have to drink a lot of it.

[Kevin Ryan]

And I'm not a doctor, but I don't think that Pros. Zacky is working.

[Jordan Jensen]

I know.

[H. Foley]

Hold on. Back that up for me. You okay?

[Jordan Jensen]

Like, I'm worried that. Right. Say right now you're like, hey, we. My example was a Netflix special. Like, if you were like. When they were like, you got a Netflix special, I was like, oh, it's probably because I died and last night, because I didn't drink enough water and this isn't really happening and I'm just dead.

[Kevin Ryan]

But you still got the Netflix. The good thing happened, so why not just live in it if you are dead?

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't know. It just keeps me up at night. Like, I'm worried that if I don't do it correctly, then.

[H. Foley]

What do you think a pill is gonna choke you?

[Jordan Jensen]

Like, it's so weird. I'm. It's. It's just ocd. There's no truth to ocd. It's all just like a weird game that it keeps you in. I mean, the amount of ocd, that's why I'm late for everything. The amount of pictures on my phone of my oven, of me taking pictures.

[Kevin Ryan]

Of the oven, I. It's.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's brutal.

[Kevin Ryan]

I do it heavy. My wife's like, if you have a kid. No, I. I mean, he's eight weeks old. I've been doing this for years.

[Jordan Jensen]

Mine is if I. If I am leaving and my dog and me are out, I'm like, it. Let it burn. But if my dog is in the apartment. Yeah, it's crazy. I have to check it a thousand.

[Kevin Ryan]

Cares about the neighbors. I'm long gone.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Who cares about the kids that live below me?

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, the door check.

[Jordan Jensen]

I do the door checks. That's why the handle keeps breaking. I didn't want to say it, but that's why.

[H. Foley]

I'm with you on that.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I put my shoulder into it a little bit because then I worry that.

[Jordan Jensen]

If I shoulder it, that's like the give that I gave. That's gonna. When I walk away, it's gonna open.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay. Well, I mean, you're. You're. Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's too much. It's crazy.

[H. Foley]

My upstair door keeps me up at night. I gotta lock it and push it and. Yeah, I'm always thinking, someone's coming through there. But I haven't worn out.

[Jordan Jensen]

We have to relinquish control. We have to just. If they kill us, they kill us. Do you think. Can I ask you something? Private jets. Are you in or are you out?

[H. Foley]

I don't know. I saw one the other day. It looked really small. We've never. I've never been on one.

[Jordan Jensen]

I think it's too scary.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. I mean, we kicked around the. We had to get. We had to get from A to B quickly. It was very close, but there was no. And we like looked into it to be like. And we were also gonna do it for the story because it's like.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Blow all the money.

[H. Foley]

We could not afford it.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, it was stupid, but we just looked and like, they. You just go. Like, this would be. Yeah, like this would.

[H. Foley]

Tiny.

[Kevin Ryan]

I. Yeah, it was.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's too tiny.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't think I'll ever need to get somewhere quick enough that I can't.

[Jordan Jensen]

But I'm worried about the.

[H. Foley]

Unless he. His pants.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

The danger is real. I'm worried that if God. If there is a God and he had to smite an airplane, he would definitely smite the. The two people on the plane versus the entire commercial jet. Like, if I'm going down with a bunch of kids, we're all dying together. But if I'm on a private jet, I'm like, it's me and one person.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's like, the Irish Catholic in me is like, who do you. It's like, what are you. Of course, that's when it happens. It's when you get the private jet. When you don't need the private.

[Jordan Jensen]

What if a famous person wanted you to fly with them? Private.

[H. Foley]

You got. What do you. You gotta go.

[Jordan Jensen]

You gotta go.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't know.

[H. Foley]

But then if it goes down, it's famous comic and another comic.

[Jordan Jensen]

But you have to be willing to die with them.

[H. Foley]

You know what I'm saying? You're not gonna get the headline.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, that's true, buddy.

[Kevin Ryan]

If you're on a Delta flight, you ain't getting a headline.

[H. Foley]

What?

[Jordan Jensen]

I saw a soccer team on my flight and I was like, we're going down.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, that would be a bad omen too.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, it's always tease about that.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, yeah. Soccer team, huh? Get them off.

[Jordan Jensen]

They were cute. They were like. Like 15 year old girls. Yeah. And I was like, oh, we're going down.

[H. Foley]

Nate, that. You're not getting the headline.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, Nate's got a great bit. Do you ever get on a plane and look around and go, you guys all look like you die in a plane crash?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, yeah, that's so good.

[Kevin Ryan]

I do that. I go, that guy looks. That guy's got it all over his face.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, you know, once again, you.

[H. Foley]

Have you outdone yourself.

[Jordan Jensen]

Good.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm pleasured with that.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Have you ever driven a forklift?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yes.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's crazy.

[H. Foley]

My mom drove one here.

[Jordan Jensen]

My mom the other day zipped up behind me on a giant Kubota with her, like, bandana and sunglasses on and just, like, pulled up behind me and scared the out of me. And she's like. She was like, where are you going? And I was like, where are you going? Where are you going right now, gang?

[H. Foley]

She's got a brand new special out right now on Netflix. Do yourself a favor and check it out. The one, the only, the great Jordan Jensen, everybody.

[Kevin Ryan]

Thank you, man.

[H. Foley]

We love you. We'll see you next week.