Kids Who Yell at Their Parents! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Summary

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Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast

Episode: "Kids Who Yell at Their Parents!"

Hosts: H. Foley & Kevin Ryan

Release Date: February 26, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this special "family episode" of Are You Garbage?, comedians and self-professed trash humans Kevin Ryan and H. Foley deep-dive into stories from their own homes and childhoods. Listeners get the full dose of working-class nostalgia, family eccentricities, shady financial maneuvers, and the show's recurring theme: what makes someone "garbage." The hosts riff on everything from blowing paychecks, bunk beds, lost Chromebooks, stealing from lost and founds, bizarre home furnishings, food etiquette at fancy restaurants, and, of course, the antics of Philly/New York family life. Interspersed are hilarious audience questions and classic AYG banter about what it means to be "garbage"—with plenty of laughs at their own (and each other’s) expense.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Growing Up "Garbage" and the Paycheck Ritual

• Paycheck Anticipation & Blowing Money:
  The hosts reminisce about the anxiety and excitement of waiting for paychecks, the rush to cash them, and the universal rite of blowing all the money over the weekend, then living on scraps until next payday.

  • “I would just blow it for the weekend...and I’d have to learn how to live poor Monday to Friday or God forbid, for two weeks.”
    — Foley (05:13)

• Early Work Stories:
  Cashing checks at the supermarket, buying cigarettes with their first week's pay, and the nostalgia for easier times when cash moved more freely.

• Broke Comedian Hacks:
  Change jars, living on $5 Chinese food, and the art of scraping by in New York.

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2. Family Home Dynamics & Eccentricities

• Childhood Room Nonsense:
  Stories about weird bedroom setups, getting furniture from richer families, and home repairs that included broomstick-supported desks and cabinets instead of closets.

  • “I had all this furniture from some rich guy...it was for a kid, but I had it in high school...A twin bed...Carved me and my high school girlfriend's name in the side of it.”
    — Foley (16:17-16:47)

• The Sadness of Divorcee/Single Dad Decor:
  Kevin shares the lifeless feeling of his dad's rental home after a divorce—cheap, impersonal furniture, and plastic particleboard.

  • “Looking back, I feel like there’s bodies in the walls...real sicario vibes.”
    — Kevin (18:00)

• Family Tech Troubles:
  Hilarious play-by-play of helping his mom with her Chromebook, struggles with Wi-Fi passwords written on freezer-kept notebooks, and generational confusion about what data is actually stored on a device.

  • “She just logs in online...She thinks her emails on the Chromebook, and we got to find that Chromebook...but she can never get her app.”
    — Kevin (32:00)

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3. Paranoia, Thriftiness, & Classic AYG Moves

• Gas Pump Paranoia:
  Both hosts admit to standing at gas pumps until the message cycles to "Insert Card" to ensure no one gets free gas on their tab.

  • “Thank you is not enough. I need ‘Insert Card to Begin Transaction’...I ain’t taking your word for it.”
    — Kevin (35:32)

• Wawa and Sizzli Etiquette:
  Debating the safety and "garbage-ness" of starting gas and leaving it unattended at Super Wawa to run inside—plus, knowing which Wawa has the best gas prices.

• Scams and Side Hustles:
  Participating in low-level scams: running coupon donation scams for high school football, pocketing extra money at the driving range using “extra” tokens, and fencing lost golf clubs.

  • “I got a token right here...Just give me 10 bucks...Never enters the economy.”
    — Kevin (54:12)

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4. Family Fights, Childhood Memories, and “Garbage” Hallmarks

• Moving Fights with Siblings:
  The inevitable, unnecessary blow-up that happens whenever siblings are tasked with moving furniture.

• Hot Glue Guns & Crazy Family DIY:
  Foley’s family used hot glue for all sorts of crafts, with elaborate (and, in hindsight, dangerous) warnings. Kevin never had one, “We were Crazy Glue people.”

  • “She would send the sirens that she was gonna plug it in in an hour. Don’t go near the kitchen...”
    — Kevin (61:09)

• Lost and Founds:
  The acceptability of taking (and waiting to fence) lost items, with fond/horrific memories of the 90s elementary school lost and found box.

• Bike-to-Work Distance & Adult BMX:
  Where’s the cutoff where biking to work is “jammed up”? And is there anything scarier than an adult riding a BMX?

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5. Family Hardships, Grievances, & Love

• Motherly Frustrations Spilling Out:
  Petty family annoyances—parents blaming kids for tech problems, or hosts being thrown under the bus.

• Helping Parents:
  Both hosts discuss how they (and their brothers) pitch in to help their aging mothers with errands, furniture, and, reluctantly, technical support.

• Food Quirks at Steakhouses:
  Listener question: Is it “garbage” to put garlic bread butter on a steak at a fancy steakhouse?

  • “If you think they’re gonna judge you and that’s gonna make you feel weird, then don’t do it. If you’re okay with it, then fuck ‘em...”
    — Kevin (71:04)

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On getting paid and blowing all the cash:
  “You walk out of there, pack of heaters...just blow it for the weekend. It’s classic H-fault.” — Foley & Kevin (03:00)

• On makeshift childhood bedroom setups:
  “I got all this furniture when I was in high school...from some rich guy...It was for a kid, but I had it in high school.” — Foley (16:17)

• On “helping” their mothers with tech:
  “She goes into the freezer and pulls out this notebook [for the Wi-Fi password]...” — Kevin (30:48)

• On classic low-level scams:
  “I got a token right here...just give me 10 bucks. Never enters the economy.” — Kevin (54:12)

• On using hot glue guns for crafts:
  “You might have thought we were breaking out a ray gun. This technology—shooting down drones on the Southern Border.” — Kevin (62:03)

• On being judged at a steakhouse:
  “If you think they’re gonna judge you and that’s gonna make you feel weird, then don’t do it. If you’re okay with it, then fuck ‘em. What happens at your table with your people is your fucking business.” — Kevin (71:04)

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Timed Highlights

• 00:55-07:00 – Paycheck anticipation, cashing out, and instantly blowing the money
• 11:00-19:00 – Tales of sad/funny childhood rooms, “rich guy” furniture, and parents’ questionable decor
• 24:00-33:00 – Parental tech disasters: helping moms with broken TVs, Chromebooks, and freezer-stored passwords
• 35:20-42:00 – Gas station paranoia, wild scams, and nostalgia for cheap gas & Russian-run Lukoil stories
• 48:59-51:49 – Bike-to-work "jammed up" distances and the horror of adult men riding BMX bikes
• 52:08-56:29 – High school scam highlight: selling coupon cards, stealing from the golf course, pocketing tips
• 61:02-62:18 – Hot glue family vs. crazy glue: dangerous crafting and parental warnings
• 68:11-68:44 – 90s school lost & found: the smell of bad times, depressive nostalgia
• 69:33-71:04 – Fancy restaurant etiquette; does garlic butter on steak make you garbage?
• 71:04-72:15 – On comfort, judgment, and doing your own thing at the table

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Tone & Style

• Authentic & Self-Deprecating:
  The hosts proudly wear their "garbage" badge, busting on each other and their families with warmth and blue-collar authenticity.

• Quick-Laugh, Anecdotal, Relatable:
  Every story is an opening for a punchline, callback, or a new riff. Listeners find themselves both cringing and laughing at how universal some "trash" habits are.

• R-rated Banter with a Heart:
  The language is raw but affectionate, as they air minor family grievances, childhood embarrassment, and adult foibles with comic love.

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For Listeners Who Missed the Episode

This episode is the podcast at its best: candid, gut-laugh funny, and comfortingly relatable for anyone who’s ever been broke, embarrassed by their family, or stuck helping their mom with Wi-Fi. Whether it’s revisiting the shame of the lost-and-found or justifying garlic butter on a fillet, Kevin and Foley prove that almost everyone, at some point—or in some small, greasy way—is “garbage.”

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For more: Get on the Patreon or catch the boys live in Tampa or Austin!

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Transcript

[A]

Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Ru Garbage. Oh, yeah.

[B]

It's that little show.

[A]

We sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that if they grew up to be classy. Yeah, just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host, Sage Trolley coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Toady's in a new edition. She had to get a cyst drained.

[B]

Okay, okay. At some point. I think you're just reading your medical chart.

[A]

No, I. I was at the doctors this morning. No, Mike Host is coming at you from across the table.

[B]

He's the CEO of.

[A]

Are you Garbage? International businessman. He's my goddamn boss. So do me a favor. Make me look good and give it up for KJ Kevin James Ryan.

[B]

Yeah, there he is, getting ready.

[A]

Checks are coming in.

[B]

What's up, everybody? We're withholding pay this week, and, dude, there's gonna be massive layoffs.

[A]

That's bullshit, by the way.

[B]

I gotta cut. I gotta cut spending. I got shareholders I got to talk to.

[A]

I don't like guessing when the checks are ready, by the way. Should be Friday.

[B]

What?

[A]

Should be able to come in here on Friday and get our checks.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Sign out for them. So you should be doing it.

[B]

First of all, I'm not doing it. There's a guy doing it.

[A]

That'd be cool.

[B]

You make it seem like I'm over here with.

[A]

That way, like, if we're off on a Friday, me and Luke can link up and. Yeah, you walk over and get our check. We'll walk over and get our check.

[B]

You guys can do whatever.

[A]

And then we get here at noon when they say the ADP guy's gonna be here, and then he's not here. Then we hang around, and then we can, like, ask Ryan D. Like, yeah, you know, when the checks are coming in, the checks come in. I used to fucking be there, man.

[B]

Thursday night. Thursday night, pregame in this motherfucker.

[A]

And in my head, it's like, I need it.

[B]

I need it.

[A]

I need it. And I would just blow it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Just blow it for the weekend.

[B]

Mm. It's classic H fault.

[A]

But in my head, I would tell myself, like, I got to get, you know, take care of this, take care of that. There's no reason why anybody should get their check on a Friday. You wait till Monday.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

50 years old. I never did it. Never.

[B]

Thanks for tuning in, everybody, as always. Please make sure you rate. View subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify. And the boys are. I'm in the charts. That's right. Yeah, we are. And then obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com/are you garbage?

[A]

Shout out to you army of garbage.

[B]

You go over there, you get all that bonus content. Gang join the over pushing 16,000 paid members.

[A]

Strong like to hear it. And you got those, they got those non paid members.

[B]

Yeah, I don't know what they're doing.

[A]

Hey, what are you doing over there?

[B]

You don't come on a lot unless you're looking to buy.

[A]

Yeah. Take a step in. You just peeking around, watching, looking's for free.

[B]

Touching is going to cost you. All right, all right.

[A]

It's the way Patty always did it.

[B]

My big thing was, oh, I would, I'd get my. I pick up my check. I, I, you know, most of high school, I worked at a supermarket. I would go pick up my check, they would cash it for you. Freebie.

[A]

That's bad, man.

[B]

Walk out of there, okay. Pack a heater like a pack of Marlboro Lights, huh? Maybe Marlboro Miles if they were. Buy, buy one, buy one, get one.

[A]

That's a sweet gig. What's the point of even putting on a check then? Just give me cash. Skip the middleman.

[B]

Yeah, you got to put on a check.

[A]

Was there a bank in there or did they just cash it at the

[B]

customer service bank in there? But customer service cashed it for you.

[A]

That's taking care of your own. You ain't catch me if you can. When he's like, you can always cash. You probably catch cash. You check at the airport. The airlines have always taken care of their own. How come I can't catch my shit here, dickhead? How sick would that be, man? Get cash in it right there.

[B]

Yeah, it was awesome. You always had cash. There was no like this and then that. And there's no waiting period. No like. Well, that was back in the day where you deposit a check, they might clear the first hundred. And you're going to get me past fucking happy hour, dog.

[A]

You know I got a bonus pick with Navy federal on that. It used to be when Covid hit, they figured you need to have cash quick, so they'd give you 225 up front. Like, if you cash the check for like 500 bucks, they'd give you 225. Right?

[B]

Don't tell me you're in a position where you need 225.

[A]

I'm just talking here.

[B]

I'm just asking There used to be.

[A]

Get 225 up front and you get the rest the next business day. Now you got to wait a couple business days. Got no fucking branches. I got to go out to the Merchant Marine Academy in Long island if I want. If I want to do business.

[B]

Have the other kids pick on you, shove you in a locker.

[A]

Now we beat them.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Played them for the Mac Championship.

[B]

Cool. My thing was always Widener Pioneers. Sorry. Carry off the field or something.

[A]

Eligator, aid, bath. Wouldn't kill me.

[B]

That's what it killed you. I don't care what. I don't care what liquid it is. My whole thing. And I would. It would frustrate the shit out of me. I remember just driving and being so fucking mad. I would blow all my fucking money in that weekend. I'd get all my cash, I'd fucking pick up my check, blow with that weekend.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Then I'd have to learn how to live poor Monday to Friday or God forbid, for two weeks. And I was so fucking mad, I'd be like. And I would. I would live poor. No cat, you know? Yeah. I got 80 bucks, 60 bucks to get me through the week.

[A]

It's really where I heat.

[B]

I know. But then I go, if I could just live like that with my money in the bank. Just live off the 50 to 60.

[A]

Never going to happen.

[B]

Never. Never. And I just remember, like, just driving my car like, dude, you made the stupidest fucking mistakes again. Again. You did it.

[A]

It's my life, dog.

[B]

Again.

[A]

You speak in my fucking language.

[B]

I mean, I do it now just like, why? What did you do that for?

[A]

I've gotten to the point now where I don't even worry about it, because it's like, you should. From what I hear, you've done it for so long.

[B]

The reports I'm getting, it's cuz like,

[A]

you know that okay, you go out, you get paid, you blow all your money. Then that. You're like, oh, my God, how is. How am I gonna do this for two weeks before I get paid again? You do it. Figure.

[B]

I'm saying. You always figured it out.

[A]

Buttered noodle pasta, Mac and cheese.

[B]

That was one of my favorite. I remember change.

[A]

Change makes this world go round. Dude.

[B]

You're saying if you were sitting on like a Poland Spring bottle. A change. Yeah. A quarter of a coffee can or something like that with you haven't touched in a minute. As I might have been a Roth fucking ira. Cash that baby out. How you untaxed.

[A]

And you know I give new York City credit on this. You know, it's a very expensive city. All that kind of bullshit.

[B]

You can eat cheap eats dog under five bucks.

[A]

You go to a fucking Chinese restaurant, you get a fucking thing of chicken noodle soup for like 2 bucks quart.

[B]

I mean, as, you know, as poor,

[A]

struggling, sort of having a nightmare.

[B]

You guys brought your own spoons. As poor, struggling comedians for a long time in New York City, me and you had to do that a lot. Where like the nicest meal would be a diner or something like that. I mean, even then I'd spring for that chicken par panini on a focaccia. That was bad. It was two meals right there.

[A]

Shared that with Rubinoff.

[B]

7.99 or something. Came with like a soup and a salad.

[A]

That focaccia really changed the game. A lot of girth on that.

[B]

It was moist. That's a moist bread, man. My. My wife.

[A]

That's just pizza crust.

[B]

I know. Like, like. Like deep dish pizza crust. Too oily.

[A]

How the fuck didn't we had that when we were kids? Focaccia.

[B]

Denise would never. Some fukacha. I mean, sounds like papers.

[A]

Sounds like a slutty Italian.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Yeah, right.

[B]

I went to school with the focaccias, the roll. Bad news, Tony Focaccia. Mary Beth Focaccia.

[A]

Yeah, man. Hot Italian chick in high school. Forget about it.

[B]

Thick mustache, ain't that.

[A]

Get a couple of them.

[B]

Okay, see, we're going down memory lane today.

[A]

You brought it up.

[B]

What? Not hot chicks.

[A]

Talking about chicks and pizza.

[B]

Dude, you're toothy.

[A]

I'll tell you who I got a fucking problem with. And I don't mean to annoy.

[B]

To keep stealing my pizza.

[A]

I don't mean to air family business. I know. We got a family episode.

[B]

It's about me.

[A]

No.

[B]

Then I don't care.

[A]

It's about my mother.

[B]

Dish.

[A]

My cousin popped up yesterday, was in the studio. Cousin? Young actor.

[B]

Case in the joint, that kid was

[A]

young actor, model, doing big things. Doing. Doing good stuff.

[B]

Written down my credit card numbers.

[A]

He's up here doing a little print work.

[B]

You?

[A]

Neck of the woods, fashion stuff.

[B]

Love it.

[A]

Yeah, Very nice.

[B]

That's his neck of the woods.

[A]

I don't know. He's young, rich, good looking kid.

[B]

What am I?

[A]

He knows fashion.

[B]

I'm not a young, rich, good looking kid.

[A]

What are you? What are you.

[B]

Dude, I caught my crow's feet the other day. Achi machi. Look, I got murderer crows. If you catch my trip.

[A]

Where's your crow's Feet. Oh, yeah, man.

[B]

Oh, yeah. What do you got going on?

[A]

I.

[B]

Some dent start calling you Boyle.

[A]

Bob, I have a dent. Can you see the dent in my head?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't know what that's from. I'm getting botoxed.

[B]

Vacuum. Your brain go sucking in black hole in there now.

[A]

You know what it is?

[B]

You want to get Botox. You get all juiced up.

[A]

That's what we got to do. I got to get it under the eyes. I got to get in the forehead. Plus, you get a little shot in the. In the noodle there.

[B]

I'm out. Yeah. I mean, okay.

[A]

All right. Just letting you know, Smooth it out.

[B]

Get rid of the rinky dinks.

[A]

Not the reports I've gotten from the. From the Washington Heights bulletin board. Limp noodle in 12D. You didn't appreciate that, did you?

[B]

I mean, so listen.

[A]

So my cousin.

[B]

No, it sounds more. It sounds more true if I overly dissect it. No, no. Giant works a 12e. It's not even my apartment.

[A]

So my cousin's up here now. He stays at the house a lot with Patty. You know, when he's moving through Crashing Patties. Which I had to ask.

[B]

Which. I don't want to say anything. Obviously, family's a little bit off limits. Specifically when he's here. Mm. You asked him where he's laying his head at now?

[A]

If he sleeps in my room or my brother.

[B]

I know, but he was just, like, here and there. Like, he didn't sound like he had a permanent address.

[A]

Well, he's moving, right? No, he does have a permanent address, but he.

[B]

His box doesn't like his.

[A]

His parents live more towards Westchester, so if he's working in. In the area, he'll crash your patties. Okay, here's the thing with that. I don't sleep into my room.

[B]

Your room?

[A]

That's my room. It's got my fucking map on the wall. It's got my toys and shit in there.

[B]

Your toys from, like, this year? You mean? It's not like your childhood toys? I've been in that room stinks. That's like a bad motel. That room is. You were like, yeah. How cool is this? I was like, okay, Looks like where they drain dead bodies. It's got linoleum floor. No, it ain't carpet. It ain't carpet.

[A]

That's my brother's room.

[B]

Is it carpet?

[A]

Yeah, it's carpet, not wall to wall.

[B]

There's a rug in there. That's l. That's that linoleum.

[A]

It's like the house they got fucking Hoffa in.

[B]

Yeah, that's bad news. Some guy putting down fresh flooring.

[A]

What the fuck, Jimmy Snake Eyes. What are you doing here? Yeah, that's my room, guy. I wouldn't sleep there. That place was popping back in the day.

[B]

I got all this talk about wailing on yourself. Popping.

[A]

I got all this furniture when I was in high school. I got all this furniture from some rich guy that.

[B]

What do you mean, all? This room's not that big. How much furniture?

[A]

I had a whole setup in there.

[B]

Like what?

[A]

Like dressers.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

Cabinets.

[B]

But it was in a kitchen. You making cereal in the middle of getting dressed? Cabinets in your.

[A]

I. Dude. One of my buddies had. He had his clothes in a china cabinet in their living room.

[B]

That's. Wow. Yeah, that's real tough. Single mom dude. Me, my dad. When my dad moved out, the one thing that he. I don't know why, he had this. We always called it an armoire, which to me might as well been like a hand chiseled in the French Riviera and brought to our house.

[A]

Yeah. Armoire.

[B]

Yeah. And this thing might have been twelve hundred pounds. It was like. It was the weight of a Buick. And my mom would be gone for so long, and for whatever reason, Danny wanted that in his room.

[A]

Well, like riding across country with bikers. What do you mean?

[B]

What?

[A]

Gone for so long.

[B]

She'd be at work for, like. I mean, on a summer day, she's. She leaves or whatever. She just. We just be by ourselves.

[A]

She, like, added Sturgis or something I picked up.

[B]

She's someone's old lady. Yeah, she's been patched over. The Mongols got her.

[A]

How does that work?

[B]

What?

[A]

I never watched Sons of Air patch over. Yeah. Those chicks just passed around.

[B]

No, someone's old lady.

[A]

Those bikers cannot be romantic lovers, I would assume, huh?

[B]

What are you soft?

[A]

Soft touch Romantic.

[B]

Think it's called mushy, wet, slobbery, A lot of boogers. Yeah. Someone's old lady. I mean, I'm sure there's, you know, a little bit of trim that gets, you know, for the team.

[A]

Sure. You got anything on this, Luke?

[B]

I think that's most gangs, once you're someone's old lady, then you're safe from not being passed over. It seems like you're my own.

[A]

She's passed over. Passed around.

[B]

Yeah. Don't act like that. Don't get you off getting passed around like a loose joint.

[A]

I just think of that. The back room of that bar that they went in, and true detective, to find what's his name? It didn't look very sexy. Probably couldn't get a Red Bull. Vodka, two espresso martinis do my thighs. We'll take a look at a food menu too.

[B]

A lot of gin going on.

[A]

Thank you. Ice pick. Oh, no, we don't do meth. Thank you.

[B]

What's the soup du jour?

[A]

These kratom egg rolls look pretty good.

[B]

What were you saying? Where. Where were you?

[A]

I was bitching about my mom. Oh, you were talking about your mom. Out hanging out with bikers. But she would.

[B]

No, I wasn't. No. Me and Danny tried moving that arm war together. He must have been 12, I'm seven. And I'm like. He's like, yeah, just tip it back.

[A]

Oh, that'll get you.

[B]

Oh, dude, this thing pinned me down. I thought they had to break out the jaws of life. I was saying. I remember my knees hurt. This thing fell on me and I'm pinned under it. Now his. He can't get it.

[A]

There was never a moving situation of that nature where a totally unnecessary argument wasn't going to organically start. Like, if me and my brother. Right now. If you. If you ask me and my brother to like lift this table and take it downstairs, at some point there would be a. What the fuck are you doing? Hold it, hold it. There'd be something like that.

[B]

I got a. Me and my brother, we get it down here. Sure. We worked a lot for our family's construction company. So we moved a lot of. And a lot of iffy. So we work well together. To me, a lot of hook it a lot of. To me. To me. I come up, you come down. We were very, very good in that, you know, because you're always moving. We shouldn't have been moving.

[A]

You know what sucks is moving a mattress. You can never get a fucking like a king size mattress. Trying to get that around a corner, you just can't get a grip.

[B]

I think they're gonna be like, you're

[A]

fighting clay man or something like that. I can't squeeze them. Clay face. Whatever. Speaking of which, speaking of furniture, you'll appreciate this educated guy like you. You, not so much.

[B]

I'm sorry, Cabinets in your. What else was. No, what else was in your room? Cabinets. What?

[A]

Well, here's the thing.

[B]

Because that room's small.

[A]

It's a small room, but it all went along the wall and the bed was a part of it. I got this whole set from this. From this rich guy whose kid had went to college and it was his childhood set it was for a kid, but I had it in high school. So I had the bed that had drawers underneath it. It was all white.

[B]

How big of a bed?

[A]

It was a twin. Twin bed. Remember I carved me and my high school girlfriend's name in the side of it.

[B]

Frank Henry and the Frankie sitting in the tree.

[A]

I wasn't anybody's old lady yet.

[B]

Sov Isme getting pissed around.

[A]

And then it had a dresser with that, a bookshelf on it. Then a desk. Do my homework. Then another dresser. He did not and a thing. And then it had a computer stand that came out that you went into the wall that my dad had to

[B]

put into the wall.

[A]

Couldn't put a computer on it. They would fall over. So we just had a little broomstick that held it up that my dad sawed off perfectly, by the way. But I couldn't use it to put my computer on. That's what I had going in there. So good. Fuck you. What do you think about that?

[B]

I remember my dad moved into his. We was renting a house. I was like. The first time I realized you could rent a home. Like, I was like, I thought everybody owned a home. I didn't realize you could rent like a single family home. It's for dads, you know, or, you know, I get it. It was good.

[A]

It's businessmen on the run from the cartel. That's what it is.

[B]

These rooms were always. So he tried. I gotta give it to him. He tried. But the rooms where we can move around a lot of places that I'm

[A]

looking back, I feel like there's bodies in the walls.

[B]

Yeah. Real sicario vibes. We're in it. He went out and bought me and my brother and my sister new bedroom sets that was gonna like want us to be there, you know what I mean? It was like a. They're like stash. I imagine this is where like drug dealers live in stash houses. Like a lot of like. Because he's also not. He's like renting a place. Like I'm not. But it was a home. So there was like a living room, a dining room, but there's no furniture in there, you know, Cuz he's like, I'm not gonna get a fucking a single dad. I'm not gonna spend two grand on a dining room set. You know what I mean?

[A]

A perfectly good couch I could cry on.

[B]

And so I remember him being like, we had these rooms with this new furniture and it was so lifeless.

[A]

It was like that smell of like

[B]

cheap plastic, that cheap like particle board wood. And I remember, and me and Danny were. I was like, this is cool. And then he's like, this ain't read the room. This ain't great. This ain't. We're jammed.

[A]

It's all for Micah. Your fat ass is gonna fall right

[B]

through that, come back and bite us in the ass in 15 years for sure. There's a lot of trauma floating around his stale ass house.

[A]

It's like demo shit. Like, you know, like you have like a fake tv. Remember discovering that when you picked, you pick it up and it was, it was plastic.

[B]

I didn't know that. My stepdad scared the shit out of me. He threw one at me because he got one from like a sample home or something.

[A]

I used to love that.

[B]

And he goes, hand me that. He goes here and wong it. And dude, I fucking. It traumatized me being in like an

[A]

IKEA like that as a kid and like seeing like the imagining your life in those different rooms and all that stuff. Like, why don't we add this shit? This kid's got fucking telescope in his room. Fuck's he doing? Telescope? Fucking spaceman sheets, cool bed. Sleeping on some old fucking orthodontist kid shit.

[B]

Uh huh.

[A]

Fucking bullshit, Ken. Let's talk about Shopify.

[B]

Shopify. Shopify.

[A]

Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all E commerce in the United States of America. I'm going to say that again. 10% of all the e commerce in the United States of America. From household names like Are you garbage?

[B]

Yay.

[A]

Are you garbage? To brands that are just getting started. Get started with your own design studio. With hundreds of ready to use templates, Shopify helps you build a beautiful online store that matches your brand style.

[B]

Yes. And from a business standpoint, you can accelerate your efficiency. Whether you're uploading new products or trying to improve existing ones. Shopify is packed with helpful AI tools that write product description page headlines, even enhance your product photography. Listen, it is the goat. We got a lot of hustlers out there.

[A]

Hustlers.

[B]

We got a lot of guys doing side projects trying to get this product off the ground. I'm selling this, I'm doing that. Shopify, make it the full time, baby. If you're doing, let's say you're doing stuff at this, at a flea market and you want to take credit cards, Shopify say you also sell online.

[A]

Boom.

[B]

Shopify say you got a brewery in two different locations. Boom. Shopify. That's how you're doing it. Shopify is the commerce expert with world class expertise in everything from managing inventory to international shipping and processing refunds and beyond. Listen, AYG is a Shopify company. If you ever bought anything on a road or from our store, any merch from us is Shopify. They take care of you. And now it's time to turn those what ifs into Shopify. Today. Sign up with your $1 per month trial today at shopify.com garbage go to shopify.com shopify shopify.com/garbage one more time that shopify.com garbage.

[A]

Kip, what do you know about our frames?

[B]

Or frame? Or frame? Or frame? Or frame.

[A]

Would you agree that Aura Frames is the best gift to get?

[B]

Well, let me. For any occasion.

[A]

Any occasion.

[B]

I know it's great for birthdays. I know it's great for Mother's Day. I know it's great for Valentine's Day. I know it's great for Flag Day. I know it's great for art. It's great for any occasion.

[A]

Moms would like it. Dads would like it.

[B]

Grandparents.

[A]

Grandparents.

[B]

Your Mima, your Peepa, your Oma, your opa.

[A]

Digital frame. Aura. Do yourself a favor. Pick one up and be the hit of whatever special occasion you got.

[B]

Coming up the next July 4th. And hey, let me drop a couple of bombs on you. How about free unlimited storage Carver mat? You add as many photos and videos as you want. You can pre upload photos before it ships.

[A]

That's great.

[B]

Tape adding them from anywhere, anytime. Oh my God. What's the baby doing? Boom. That's what I do to Denise. She goes, oh, you never come and see me go picture the baby. Oh, when are you gonna. Boom. Picture of my balls giving you the finger. Name number one by wirecutter. You can save on the perfect gift by visiting oriframes.com for a limited time. Listeners can get 35 off their best selling carver, Matt Carver. Matt with the code GARBAGE. That's a U R A frames.com promo code GARBAGE. Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions applied. Do it. Yeah.

[A]

Anyway, so my cousin stays there at the house. The reason I asked him about what room do you sleep in is I want him fucking whacking it in my fucking bed.

[B]

You think he's crashing for a night at his aunt's house and he's wailing on himself.

[A]

I don't. I do it everywhere. Everywhere.

[B]

And anyway, you're not allowed over.

[A]

Is that true?

[B]

Well, you just.

[A]

I wouldn't do it at your house.

[B]

You just said Anywhere and anywhere.

[A]

I wouldn't do it there.

[B]

Have you slept over?

[A]

No. Depends what we were doing before we went to bed.

[B]

I'm not kissing you, like getting you all fucking worked up and then sending you to the guest room. Fucking wacko.

[A]

We're doing the thing like in a rom com where I come out in the middle of the night, we're both

[B]

at the door just two different times. Oh, we're right there. Maybe that's what this whole show is. Our sexual tension flow.

[A]

Laid in bed, rolling over.

[B]

We're actually in love with each other. No play tummy sticks.

[A]

Ew. Anyway, talking about wailing on your. So like a couple weeks ago I went home and this, this, this dumb broad did something to her mom. My mother did something to the TV where you would dive, you put the volume up and down. It didn't do anything. So I fix it. And then I guess in between then and now she fucking messes up the closed captioning. Now did I get there?

[B]

She can't read, so that's a problem.

[A]

It's in Russian.

[B]

She's being indoctrinated.

[A]

Instead of just saying to my cousin, hey, I don't know how to do this. She throws me because he tells me at dinner last night.

[B]

By the way, where'd you go, Smith? Ah, who picked up that? I assume this hard working, good looking kid did. Because from what I understand you're waiting on 225 from Navy Federal. Did that go on the company card?

[A]

Maybe.

[B]

Should I. Can I check the balance right now?

[A]

If you want to check anything you want, Walk right now. We're talking about business.

[B]

Put half these cameras in the bag and I'm out of here.

[A]

That's funny. When you were setting up that thing the other day to do the Patreon episode, I was like, I wonder what I could get for that.

[B]

What was I setting up?

[A]

You were setting up one of those things.

[B]

You were setting up a C stand

[A]

with the C stand.

[B]

I wonder what you can get for that. You own it.

[A]

That's what I'm saying. Cash. What's a C stand?

[B]

It's how you hang lights safely and everything.

[A]

You got sandbags and shit.

[B]

Yeah, you can see them right down there. Thought you worked in print. I thought you were a big movie

[A]

guy in front of the camera.

[B]

I thought you were a friend of the grips.

[A]

I'm friend of the grips.

[B]

Doesn't seem like it.

[A]

I am Never landed. Listen, all due all respect to the below the line people, we talking about.

[B]

Of course, famous story of John Candy. You're more of a do a line kind of guy. Gator tales.

[A]

Anyway, instead of fucking just asking him for help, she's got to throw me under the bus. Henry did something to it.

[B]

You probably did.

[A]

I didn't. She made it the fuck up. So you think she's this nice old lady?

[B]

No. I know she's as crazy as. She's crazier than you. And you're. You. You. You surprise me with your crazy every day. I know that's where you get it. I call your family the Bureau of Crazy. You get off the phone with them, you start, you know, dotting your eyes and crossing your T's. A red yarn comes out. You guys use are all nuts.

[A]

We're changing the name for tax purposes.

[B]

What?

[A]

It's now the Institute of Crazy.

[B]

The Church of Crazy.

[A]

Church of Crazy.

[B]

Text. Or radef.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's so funny. I was home last week or whatever, and Denise moves. So I'm helping her move. And we get there.

[A]

What do you explain to me when you say helping her move?

[B]

I don't think you have a. I don't think you have a positive image in your head.

[A]

What are you exactly doing? You're getting the hoagies. Because I know when you're moving, you probably like a hoagie break.

[B]

For lunch, I did a cheesesteak, and as I was checking out online, they asked me if I wanted to add bacon.

[A]

Huh. Yeah.

[B]

Don't. Which I also do down at owens Pub on 17th Street North. Wild. They add bacon.

[A]

It's very good on a restraint. On a beef cheesesteak or chicken? Cheesesteak, beef.

[B]

Really great. I only ever do it. I only have. I've only ever done it just last two weeks and whatever it was.

[A]

I don't know how I feel about that.

[B]

That's good. Give it a shot. Give it a whirl. From one fat ass to another.

[A]

Because there is nothing better when you're doing that shit. You're in a new house. Lunchtime, somebody comes back from the deli with all this stuff.

[B]

She don't have furniture yet, so I'm not doing much. They helped her move. I was working and then I went down just to kind of like, maybe organize. Just whatever. Whatever she needed done. But, like, I'm not moving furniture.

[A]

Give me an example. Whatever she needed.

[B]

Well, the big pressing issue was I can't find my Chromebook. She couldn't find her Chromebook. And you would have thought it was the Declaration of Independence. I don't.

[A]

What's a Chromebook. Like a laptop?

[B]

Yes and no. You can't save anything to a Chromebook.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Right. I don't think you can. Maybe you can, but they're like just an iPad.

[A]

It's like a tablet. Yeah, but not Apple.

[B]

No, it's a Google Chromebook. Oh, my. I don't think you can say stuff to a Chromebook. It's the cheapest laptop you can buy. I got a laptop.

[A]

I got a Yahoo Peaches.

[B]

Yeah, it's something. It's. It's real as Jeeves type shit.

[A]

Oh, man.

[B]

I don't think you can save stuff. There's no, like, where to put anything. You might be able to save a file from, like, an attachment. It's just one Chromebooks I've only known as they have. Like, it's an actual laptop. It is, but it's like, it feels like it's. For a second. That's what they give to a second grader in art class. We had them at our school. Yeah. At a very young age. It's like just to get on the Internet. Yes.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

It's a Google Chromebook. I go, what do you need me to do? She goes, well, I can't find my Chromebook. All my stuff's on there. So I'm thinking, it's like, Patty doesn't

[A]

do any of that.

[B]

I'm thinking. I'm thinking, like, the wills, like, all like this that matters is on there. And I don't know. So I find one. I go, yeah. I go, yeah, I got it.

[A]

That's the wrong one.

[B]

That's the wrong Chromebook. They're like, nope, that's my old Chromebook. I go, all right, well, let's does it. I go, does it work? She goes, yeah. I go, all right, well, at least get you up and running.

[A]

8, 000 windows are open.

[B]

It was like starting a weed whacker.

[A]

Two strokes.

[B]

Like, this thing smoked two packs a day, dude. This thing, this thing was humming, got

[A]

started, went, what do you want?

[B]

Dude, that exhaust fan kicked on before I plugged it in.

[A]

Oh, dude. Does that have an exhaust fan?

[B]

I don't think is. Dude. I remember I had this compact when

[A]

that thing said I had this come quick.

[B]

And it was back in the apartment that I lived in when I first moved up here with my boy. We smoked in there, dude, in his computer. I took it somewhere. The guy goes, what do you. Where do you work? Because me and my boys were in there just cranking.

[A]

He's like working the Tula mind in Siberia.

[B]

The fan was Covered in tar. It was like. It was like the ceiling fan at a casino. Dude, this thing was jammed up.

[A]

Oh, shit. Patty doesn't. First of all, my mom's computer looks like she stole from a US healthcare office in, like, 2003. It's got that red button in the center.

[B]

It's on. What?

[A]

Dude, it's old. It's got the trackpad, but she don't keep anything in there.

[B]

What do you mean it's all in it? Well, I found out.

[A]

I asked. I said, what's the fucking WI fi to get on? She's like, hang on a second. She goes into the freezer and pulls out this notebook.

[B]

Nobody knows where her password.

[A]

Yeah, and it's like. It's like X66. It's the one from the box. What the did they do that for?

[B]

Well, they. They fixed it. So I get in, and I'm going, all right. So I get online, right? That's the pair. Oh, I don't know. Everything's with this air of pat. I go, what. What's the WI fi? Oh, I don't know.

[A]

It's all over. Taking the house.

[B]

I go, all right. Yeah. She thinks. She thinks the bank's coming to. So I'm like, all right. So I get her on. I'm. Now I'm connected, and it's not. And she goes. I go. So I get her online a little bit. I go, well, what's on the. What's on? She goes, my email in my banking. I go, what do you. What do you mean, your email? She just logged into the browser, and she thinks her emails on the Chromebook. She thinks it lives on that Chromebook, and we got to find that Chromebook, but she can never get her app.

[A]

She just logs in online.

[B]

Did she just go.

[A]

That's dangerous. She's got to sign out every time.

[B]

What do you mean she does? I mean, you can't stay logged in the bank.

[A]

It logs out for you.

[B]

Yeah, all right.

[A]

Maybe Federal don't still.

[B]

Analog, baby.

[A]

That's what they call open water. Get caught out there.

[B]

Yeah. So then I finally found it. Oh, my God. Thank you. It was in a bag. Just that, you know.

[A]

Then you had lunch.

[B]

Yeah, at dinner. That's dinner time.

[A]

Okay, so that was helping her move.

[B]

I helped her move. I saved the fucking day. What are you talking about? That operation would be in the tubes if it didn't have a Chromebook. How you gonna fund the project? Can't get in the banking stink. Well, she didn't need anything. The bed broke.

[A]

You tipped him.

[B]

That was all. That's all day. That's Danny stuff. He. I'm not down there.

[A]

I like that.

[B]

So he. He. Matt, he loves getting manages all. He does all that stuff.

[A]

My brother runs point on Patty as well.

[B]

The bed broke, he walked, he went over, he fixed the bed. He does this, he does that. You know, all the stuff.

[A]

Good to hear.

[B]

And meanwhile, I FaceTime my mom with the. With the baby, like, oh, hey, good morning. I'm just like, you FaceTime? And she's there with like the electricians or something at the house. She's going, I told them about your show. This is David. She shows me the electrician. It's just like a guy like my age and he's like, what's up, man? I'm like, yes, you guys. David's a nice guy. He's like, how you doing?

[A]

I would fucking freak out.

[B]

I'm like, meanwhile, I got my baby. I'm like, look, man, she's like, this is David.

[A]

You do a podcast, huh?

[B]

Yeah. I go, what's. Yeah. He's like, she said, I told him about. I told him about it last time and then he said it since we were talking about it. It showed up in his algorithm or something like, oh, thanks. Yeah, I appreciate you.

[A]

So now he thinks you work for the CIA and you're trying to kill him.

[B]

Real, real 4chan guy. Yeah. All right. All this is. I mean, so this is a family and some family grievances here. A little bit of a hard feeling.

[A]

I mean, to be bitching about my 75 year old mother, but, you know, damn, she's 75. Whatever. 73, something like that.

[B]

Tight piece. Ass.

[A]

That's all right. That's good. I keep getting tempted to go see this band. She keeps talking about a friend, D. Right? Her boyfriend's band. And if it's Springs, they're gonna be, you're gonna be playing all over Chestnut Hill. Might go down there and check them out.

[B]

They need a front man.

[A]

Brother says they slap. That means they're good.

[B]

Ah, yeah.

[A]

Play a lot of oldies and said the singers got it. Maybe a little. Are you Garbage Records?

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Muscle some DJs down in Philly.

[B]

Sounds like it falls under H. Foley Enterprises.

[A]

I'll handle it. Luke.

[B]

Ian, let's do it.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

Luke's busy that weekend.

[A]

Take these cameras.

[B]

How many DC Stage you're talking about.

[A]

Shoot a music video.

[B]

All right, let's get it, guy. All this enough fucking around here. We got to get into. Gosh darn, we got A family episode on our hands and getting some goddamn questions as you know. And join the old Patreon where we'll answer your garbage question on the air. This is very much kind of what we were just talking about. This is from noodles. $10, homie.

[A]

Here, talk to me.

[B]

Is it garbage to always wait for the display at the gas pump to say thank you? Because I'm paranoid the next guy's gonna get a bunch of free gas on my dime. Buddy, welcome to the show.

[A]

Always.

[B]

Yes, always. Always. Gotta see that. Or insert car. I wait till thank you is not enough. I need insert card to begin transaction. Select your whatever it is. I ain't taking your word for it.

[A]

I love it.

[B]

I'm worried about the same way at

[A]

the ATM I'm worried about.

[B]

Oh, of course I'll wait 15 seconds and make the guy behind me wait because I'm going. I'm making sure this clears out. I don't fucking trust you.

[A]

I throw my receipts out depending on what time of the month it is. I'm either embarrassed about what's in there or I don't want to be seeing what I got. Kevin talking about the chime card, baby.

[B]

Baby, I'm chiming all over the place.

[A]

Love that chime, gang. It's the new way to build credit history with your own money and get rewards it every single day with the chime card. The new card that unlocks safer credit building and cash back with everyday spending together at last.

[B]

Match made in heaven, baby. Imagine cash back and credit building with your own money. Finally on the same card. You're not be bopping and scatting. You're united in one place. It helps you build your credit with your own money. Two things that don't come together typically come together until now. There's no annual fees, no interest, no strings attached to and with qualifying direct deposits. Listen to this. Strap in. You get 1.5% cash back on eligible chime card purchases. Baby.

[A]

I tell you my younger self could have benefited from this. My credit was was trash for a long time.

[B]

Very long time.

[A]

I could have used a little chime. They didn't have it back then.

[B]

We didn't have the tools that they have now to help you build and

[A]

so take advantage of them, gang.

[B]

I know you can credit build with your own money and get a little bit of cash back. Chime is not just smarter banking. It's the most rewarding way to bank. Join the millions who are already banking fee free today. Head to chime.comgarbage that is chime.com garbage. It only takes a few minutes to sign up. And are you Garbage? Users can earn up to an extra 350 bucks.

[A]

Do it. Chime is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services and the secured Chime Visa

[B]

credit card are provided by the Bancorp

[A]

Bank NA or Stride bank na.

[B]

Optional services and products may have fees or charges.

[A]

See chime.com feesinfo terms apply. Limited time only. Must open the new account and complete qualifying activities to earn rewards. Advertised annual percentage yield with Chime plus status only. Otherwise 1% APY appl applies.

[B]

No minimum balance required.

[A]

Chime card on time. Payment history may have a positive impact on your credit score. Results may vary. See chime.com for details on applicable terms. Remember when we. When I remember one time you and I were at an ATM together and some guy had like. I remember it was like $700,000 checking account.

[B]

Oh, I kind of do remember that. It was like 200 something grand.

[A]

Nuts.

[B]

Yeah. Taking out a hundred for a gram of marijuana. Of high end white marijuana.

[A]

Keep selling myself out.

[B]

We're buying blow. Yeah, I respect that. Perfect paranoia.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Therapists might say that you're crazy. That's how they get you.

[A]

Fuck him. He's probably trying to steal your gas.

[B]

Yeah. That's how they get you.

[A]

I'm worried about this move now because when I go to the Wild Weasel, when I go to Wawa, I fucking, you know, if I'm down at Patty's and I'm driving back here, I pull up to the pump, get it started. Because down there in pa, they're all different.

[B]

This is.

[A]

Yeah, down in pa, you still got the clip where you can leave it.

[B]

Yeah, most places have that. I feel they're just broken off. I feel no. Is that a choice?

[A]

Yeah, in New York it's illegal.

[B]

New York.

[A]

Yeah, some. I don't know what. I don't know.

[B]

I feel like they're all just broken in New York.

[A]

Google that. I feel like some states you're not allowed to just let it run in.

[B]

That makes sense, but I always just thought it was a fucking bus.

[A]

What are you henpecking over there? You had that Chromebook in high school. You should be able to fucking type away like a madman.

[B]

New York state largely prohibits hold open clips on self service gas pumps due to decades old fire safety regulations. There you go.

[A]

It's like bump stock.

[B]

I never pump gas in New York though. There's three gas. There's fucking three gas stations in all of Manhattan. One I do live by. And if I'm real jammed up. I'll grab gas there.

[A]

You think I'm paying for fucking New York gas? You go down. Dude, Patty knows which Wawa is cheaper. I know go to Wawa on trooper roads.

[B]

Cheaper we never bought. Yeah, you don't get it in Newtown. That's a new town. You had a hollow. You get Texas. Used to be to Texaco. What do you.

[A]

What do you think you're saving?

[B]

That's how bad people like that I. You know, it's not for me.

[A]

286 over there to fucking Sitco. Remember those. What was with the gas? Places that popped up that were real Russian.

[B]

I ever tell you the story that there was. This was on Luke Oil? Oh yeah.

[A]

Those things came out of nowhere.

[B]

One of the kids I grew up with. No, not a kid.

[A]

As soon as they took Cremi also.

[B]

Rest in peace. A kid I grew up. Not a kid I grew up with. In northeast Philadelphia, there was a large Russian contingency. And there was this really rich guy. I don't even kidding. I don't even know what school he went to. It might even been older. We were like. We were in high school. I've never only saw the kid like once or twice. And his house was like. His dad wasn't allowed in the US Like OPEC type shit or something like that. I don't know what it was, but it was like oligarch type. Yeah, take it.

[A]

Seize your yacht.

[B]

Yeah, we go. Yeah, my grandmom's here. And we were just like partying at the house. Crazy.

[A]

We were.

[B]

I didn't even go inside. It was just like. He showed us the garage. It was like a Bentley, a port. It was like a detached garage with an overhang wall. But something with Luke Oil, maybe. I don't know. I don't even talk about this publicly.

[A]

What?

[B]

I don't know. Dad's not alone. I remember like. I'm like, where's your family?

[A]

Great, now I'm going to get fucking poisoned.

[B]

But there was a Luke Oil on the corner of Busselton and Byberry. And it was Russian guys. And then there was like this like fresh off the boat Russian guy that didn't speak English and he reprogrammed the pumps wrong. And instead of $2.17 a gallon, it was 21.7 cents a gallon. Dude, this guy. People found out and shut down this fucking. The cops had to come because the lines were blocking traffic. People filling up. My boy Justin hit me up and was like, you gotta get down the bustle that Luke Oil is giving away gas. Dude, we were fucking driving around burning gas just to top back off. Get it while you're going, baby.

[A]

Although when those things popped up, I swear to God gas at other places was like $4 and they were selling it for like a $29. Probably half water.

[B]

It's mostly, mostly two stroke shit.

[A]

Mostly.

[B]

Goat milk is Luke. Luke oils. Russian. Russian owned. That's so funny because a Russian buddy of mine owned the. In the northeast somewhere. Owned the. The garage at a Luke Oil. His dad owned the garages. I remember they used to drink this shit called Russian Jewel. Oh it's like paint thinner. Fucking. He'd shove me playing beer pong.

[A]

It's good to have that on the

[B]

clock with Russian Jewel. Oh dude, those Russian kids in high school played by a different set of rules. They really did.

[A]

They didn't fuck around.

[B]

They were. That was the first like underworld I was introduced to where I'm like, oh, you guys are real tight knit. Everyone knows everybody and not everything's on the up and up, which I respect.

[A]

Don't hook up with anybody, buddy. Sister you be in cherub.

[B]

They would turn on each other too sometimes.

[A]

Cut your nose and ears off and shit like that. I know drinking you other thing that I worry about too now these kids out there doing this shit. I pull up, I get it started. I go in a wild weasel and I get my fucking sizzle.

[B]

I can't do that.

[A]

You're crazy.

[B]

I get it.

[A]

That's a stand. That's standard practice over there. 73 and 202. Everybody does that.

[B]

I understand. And I think in Pennsylvania it's a little different. Specifically at the Wawas because there's a lot of pump and pumps and there's a lot of space.

[A]

Super Wawa.

[B]

It's not like there's four pumps. There's like 16 pumps. Yeah. And I mean I think it's the same@buc EE's is similar. Like you can park and leave. There's people. I don't, I don't love doing it.

[A]

I mean I'm in and out. I'm not in there. I'm not eating in there. Like I'm sitting in the fucking. At the picnic table out front.

[B]

Huh. Which sounds like you have, if I'm being honest with you.

[A]

But I'm worried about people going over, taking my thing and bringing it around the other side.

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

People do that.

[B]

No they don't.

[A]

The fuck they don't. I've seen videos where the, where a guy gets out and he'll walk on the other side of his car, and someone will get in his car and drive away. Rip the pump out.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. I would say they. They got. How they got. They got Vinnie with the skinny's dad. One time, he was selling a car or he was selling a motorcycle, and the guy pulled up in a car and said. He said, yeah, just leave the car as collateral. Guy had a guy sleeping and laying down in the back seat with a set of keys. The guy on the motorcycle takes all the. Going for a test ride, waits 10 minutes, hops out, takes the car pieces out.

[A]

No. Was he standing there?

[B]

I think he was, like, working or whatever. He's like, hey, leave the car and the keys and you can go to, like, you can go test drive the bike. Guy had another set of keys.

[A]

That's pretty good.

[B]

Hopped up, peeled out, huh? Son, that makes me.

[A]

That made me think you lost a set of keys. So the joke's on you.

[B]

I had to. Do you remember the valet key?

[A]

No, you don't. Do you remember?

[B]

You're way too young for that. Cars at some point had a valet key. And it was just the. Remember, like, obviously cars had the key to start.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it was just that key. And you would, like, leave it, I don't know, in the car or something. And it would say, vet my. Because we had a Dodge Intrepid. My stepmom had a purple Dodge Intrepid. And on the key it said valet. Like, instead of giving the val. Now, I don't. We. First of all, I didn't go to a valet until I was fucking 32 years old. But the idea was you were going to enough valet events that you're Intrepid. I'm just saying, instead of giving them all your keys, you just give them that one key.

[A]

Are you sure that's just that it would open the doors and everything.

[B]

Yeah. And start the car. It was called a valet key. It can't open the glove box or, like the trunk of the car, though.

[A]

Get the out of here.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's where you keep your gun.

[B]

I keep my product mule and daddy. O. Yeah. That was crazy to me. I remember being like, what the. I remember. Yeah. My dad's like, that's when you go to valet. I go, let me know when a wawa starts valeting.

[A]

Yeah. No.

[B]

Huh.

[A]

Huh. I never think about that. There you go. Yeah, steal it. But the gas station, you're not getting me like that, banging out my credit card or fucking putting my gas in your car.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Next Thing you know, you'd be eating my sizzly.

[B]

You know, it's a great technology that they should have everywhere. All Jersey is. They pump your gas, but you can pull up on any side. And it's got. The thing says we reach both sides.

[A]

Yeah, that is pretty.

[B]

You don't need to pull up on your left side. It just says pull up any side. Long extendo nozzles.

[A]

You ever do that?

[B]

Fuck.

[A]

Fucking A.

[B]

Look like an idiot.

[A]

But it's supposed to be a rule. It's supposed to be American cars are on the left and communist cars are on the right.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Something like that. We got Luke working today. That Google Chromebook's really paying off.

[B]

I can't think. I think all of mine have always been on the left.

[A]

Are you surfing the Web right now?

[B]

I am. Most American manufactured vehicles have gas tank filler on the left driver's side. This design allows drivers to pull up closer to the pump. However, there is no universal standard and many models, particularly imported vehicles.

[A]

Did you ever have a car that had it behind the license plate?

[B]

No. Joe. Joe Pesci.

[A]

My cousin had one.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

I can't remember what cousin was.

[B]

I feel like those station wagons, old Big Wagoneers had that kind of shit.

[A]

Yeah, it was. I was. It might have been my cousin Ziggy's cousin Ziggy. Cousin Ziggy. Cousin Duck. Cousin Flo. Cousin Eddie Mugabe. Shout out to the boys. Flaherty boys.

[B]

When do they get out?

[A]

They're all out.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Fresh and clean. A cousin Duck just retired. Shout out to him.

[B]

It's crazy your cousins are that old. Your cousins are my uncle's age. Cousin Duck.

[A]

You know Duck? You met him before. Fan of the program.

[B]

I know. I've met a lot of your.

[A]

His brother. His brother worked at a Chevron on. I don't know what the road is, but it was by the Wyoming Valley Mall. That was the first time we were there hanging out. I don't know why. My mom, like, dropped us off for him to watch us for a little bit. Not crazy. I'm dropping you off at a gas station to hang out for a little bit. Should have run some errands or something like that.

[B]

And he worked there.

[A]

He worked there, like, this summer job

[B]

my mom would do. I was a. I was a parking lot rat. So my mom would just drop us off and park like we skated. So it'd be like, you know, drop it. You know, Village Shires down at Krausers.

[A]

Wherever that was the first time I saw a gas behind the fucking license plate.

[B]

Yeah. Nah, I never had that.

[A]

That's got to be dangerous.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Hit that.

[B]

I mean, I think. I don't know. All right, let's see here. This one's from Jeremy R. $10, homie. Never had one red. How far are you allowed to bike to work before you're considered jammed up? That's a great question. It's a great question because some of its exercise, some of it's environmentally conscious, some of it's just time wise as well, I would say. Oh, I don't know.

[A]

I think the road conditions really, really

[B]

depend the size of the road.

[A]

Yeah. You want like a highway, like, you know, are you where bike shouldn't be. That's a good one because sometimes you see dudes walking.

[B]

Yeah. If there's a medium in the. You're jammed up in there.

[A]

They're in the burbs and they're walking to like the next bus stop. You're like, God damn. Back in the day we'd always give those guys a ride.

[B]

That's wild.

[A]

Like, you going to Norristown? Yeah, it's probably going to Norstan. Get some weed or something like that. You want to ride? Yeah, give a guy ride. Working in a Mickey D's or something like that. Whatever.

[B]

There's a guy who worked a while. He walked from our neighborhood down. And my mom. He would get mad if you asked him. It'd be pouring rain. I think he was in my brother's. He was in my brother's graveyard.

[A]

Fuck you then.

[B]

And there's something, you know, something a little, you know, off with him, but sure, you know, always. Hey, you need a ride? I'm okay. You're like, okay, but it's fucking dark and raining.

[A]

I saw my dad besides.

[B]

No, you did last summer. You keep hanging out around here.

[A]

I saw my dad do that in a storm one time. Guy was pulled over to the side and like his thing was. His hood was up and he was like working on his thing. My dad turned around like, you need a little help something should give the guy a jump. Got the guy off the bike. That was Batman. I knocked, I locked the door. When he got out.

[B]

Yeah, we never did like that. I pulled away. Yeah. Every man for himself here. I'm gonna go to Duck's house, get you crazy. No, I know. Yeah, I mean I would say if it's like a. If I had to put a time limit 1 conditions of the road for sure. Median jammed up. If there's, like, broken. If there's a shoulder, I feel like that's worse too, because that means, like, you. You pull out, like, cars. It's meant there's, like, a lot of gravel and some broken tail lights on the year. You shouldn't be there.

[A]

If there's one of those things that. The tractor trailers go up. The dead man turn.

[B]

Yeah. The dead man's buff. The emergency pull off.

[A]

I always wanted to fucking hit one of those.

[B]

That. Oh, I got a good rule. If you don't pass another biker, you shouldn't be biking. Yeah, that's a good one. Or a guy walking or something.

[A]

Yeah, in the city, whatever. You know what I mean? Sure thing. Yeah, it's always. It's always spotty in the burbs. And you see that, like, that guy shouldn't be riding that bike.

[B]

There's also. Yeah, there's also a thing too. I mean, a guy. There's an age where a BMX bike. You can't do either.

[A]

Dude, there's nothing scarier than an adult on a BMX bike.

[B]

Guy's got nothing to lose.

[A]

Dude, there is nothing.

[B]

He's looking for a score.

[A]

Dude, do not fight with that guy. The taller he is, the worse it is. An adult on a BMX don't fit.

[B]

The proportions are just wrong. They bend the one knee. They. And sometimes. You ever see them standing up? Scary. Sit down, kid.

[A]

Did you steal that from.

[B]

Do a bar spin or something? Earn your keep right now. Let me know you're trying out for the X game.

[A]

Fuck that. Never. Yeah, great question, though.

[B]

Yeah. Okay. Let's see here. This one's from Joey bag of donuts. $10 hoagie. Is it garbage to have this to run a scam for my high school football fundraiser? We would sell those discount cards for $10 for local businesses. Example, you buy a cup of coffee, you get a free donut at the local. Whatever.

[A]

Is that the book? That's a coupon.

[B]

It was a book. And then I think they. I remember in height. I remember seeing one in high school. I think they switched to a card where, like, on the back it was like, real fine print, like Dunkin Donuts. And here, like, it was just yet to show the car.

[A]

I never got the coupon book.

[B]

Yeah, I remember. We never. I don't think our school ever really did it or anything. Like, it was never really prevalent in my life. I remember seeing one at some point or something, but it was never, like, nobody was doing it. This I would run instead of selling the Cards. I would take donations of any amount of money, and if they did. And if you did more than $10, you got a card.

[A]

Whoa, say that again.

[B]

So he'd go, hey, it's a donation. We're doing a fundraiser. Can you donate? If you donate more than $10, you get a card.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So people go, here's 50. Yeah, get the card. He only owes 10 for the card, so he just made 40 bucks.

[A]

So he. So.

[B]

So you do that four, five, six, seven, eight, nine times.

[A]

So he lied.

[B]

Yeah. So everybody, welcome to the fucking show.

[A]

Slap me around. So. But everybody. That's a victimless crime. Everybody made out. He fulfilled his obligation to the. To the donation.

[B]

He sure did.

[A]

Made a little grease on top of.

[B]

I don't hate it.

[A]

Huh?

[B]

That's like when I would. When I worked at the golf course, I would take the tokens for the driving range and put them in my pocket, and then people would go, hey, can I get a bucket of balls? And I'd go, I got a token right here. Just give me 10 bucks. And I would take the 10 bucks. He would have had to go all the way up to the pro shop to buy tokens. To buy a token. And I go, I got the tokens on me because I had the keys.

[A]

You would take tokens out of the machine.

[B]

That was my job. And take them into the.

[A]

So you would grease.

[B]

I would. I would. I'd pocket five tokens, and then I'd be down there cleaning the balls, picking the balls, whatever. I drove the cart, the cage cart. They would go, hey, where can I get, you know, guys who were just guests or whatever, you know, first time there, go, hey, how do I get a bucket of balls?

[A]

I go, right this way.

[B]

I go, tokens are up at the thing. Or I go, I got one on me. It's 10 bucks. Yeah. Here you go. Boom. 10, 10 right in my pocket. Never enters the economy.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Do that, pretty. Plus, it was a T. I was a card attendant. It was. It was. It was a figure.

[A]

They owed you that for everybody fucking shooting at the cart.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Embarrassing yourself.

[B]

I didn't mind. It's kind of fun.

[A]

You ever have any chicks from school be there with their boyfriends?

[B]

No, it wasn't like a country club. I had to work with the owner's daughter one time, and she was like, that was her punit. That's like, how funny. Her punishment was like, my dream job. Like, that's just like.

[A]

She had a ride in the cart with you.

[B]

Different side of the tracks.

[A]

We were yeah, they call you fat ass every once in a while, but it's not too bad.

[B]

I don't know. She went to a different school. I don't know where she went.

[A]

You're making this girl up.

[B]

No, I swear. No, nothing happened. But like, it was one of those like standalone girls. Like no one knew her. No. And she went to like, she was older. Maybe a little. A couple years old or something like that. Two years older. Because he didn't. He wasn't from the town. Like, he was from like 40 minutes away or something like that. And she was like, oh, man, I had a thing for her.

[A]

Bet you did.

[B]

I mean, token boy, how could you not? I'm sitting there cross you. This place had the hot dog roller on point. I'd be crushing diesels, drinking free. Free cups of coke from the bar. Shout out to Christine. She kept them. Them fizzies coming, dog. Yeah. It was just so like, this was a job I had to have. I got my fucking 95 Chevy Lumina. I'm fucking working. I'm like, working. I'm hustling. I'm stealing fucking tokens. I'm wiping down clubs. I'm fucking cleaning, getting grease. I'm fucking. I'm hustling. I'm picking up shifts, showing up at golf course. Show up at like 4:30 in the morning in the summer. Motherfuckers breaking your ball. Five, 15, tea time.

[A]

Those wet feet.

[B]

And then she would, like, her friends would come to work with her because like, she like, they were just like, oh. I think it was like a lister. Like, oh, this is at work. I'll just go hang out with her.

[A]

That's Kevin. He usually has a boner.

[B]

I still do. Yeah, it was very much just like. It was like, my dad's making me do this. You know, she'd like crash a golf cart. I'd have to hide it. They blame me for it. And like that.

[A]

That's Kevin.

[B]

Ew. Yeah. Very much, very much that. Having a job, hanging out in the barn. Cart. The cart. Barn.

[A]

Well, you get free soda. Dude, it's such a mistake. You tell me. It's free, man. I'm drinking soda all day.

[B]

I did for all. For all summer.

[A]

Like, you could have water.

[B]

No, you couldn't. I mean, why would you do that? Dude, listen to this. When I worked, 16 ounce clear, like solo cup. Like plastic solo cups with the. No, without the ridges. Like flat on the big. Nice handle.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Good ice. Christine would keep you top y'. All. She was a hoppy's ass. Dude, she's probably 30, man.

[A]

But I worked. When I worked at 20 Manning in Philly. We had. We had a soda machine in the

[B]

server station that got me a Portofino on Walnut Street.

[A]

Dude, she had. She had birch beer. Ain't never anybody has birch beer, dude. I'd just be. I was the only one that drank it.

[B]

I remember.

[A]

I remember.

[B]

I was bus boy. I was a bus boy. Like, cry. I go to crushing sodas at the bus. At the bus station. Crushing them and dinner roll.

[A]

You can't give guys like us free

[B]

saver or rolls, dude. Especially if the rolls are made out of pizza dough. What are you nuts? Dude, one guy went, that's a lot of soda. One of the wages went, that's a lot of soda, that.

[A]

Hey, Is it?

[B]

Huh?

[A]

You think so, huh? Let's take the professor here.

[B]

That's Kevin. He drinks a lot of soda. He's got a boner. Ew.

[A]

Yeah. Also again, at 20 million. They used to get these. These little rye banger rolls from Metropolitan Bakery in Philly. They'd come in fresh. We put them in the toaster oven. They get all hot. That butter back there.

[B]

Butter. You're getting a boner now.

[A]

Are you doing to me?

[B]

I know it's.

[A]

I mean, I just love coke in his sugar pack.

[B]

It's such a. A idiot. I was just such a doofus.

[A]

Left to my own devices, cargo shorts,

[B]

just looking like a doofus.

[A]

So I never worked out with you and that girl.

[B]

Yeah. I had a baby blue shirt on the baby. We had to wear baby blue polos. And they had. I had one.

[A]

Probably not good for your boy tit. I would have to assume.

[B]

Dude, it's so funny. We had so many of the same Kevin nipples. One was because one. This is always my problem. Whenever you got the uniform from the company, I was a bigger kid. And they go, we don't have any

[A]

extra larges, so we're just wearing black shirt for six weeks till you get fired.

[B]

I know. Yeah. Yeah. And I know. So I always. So they thought they had one. I was supposed to get two extra larges or whatever. Like, you get two shirts. They gave me one extra large. And then like, they were supposed to get new one, but, you know, I got an order coming in and never had a order coming in. And then I. So after a couple of weeks, I'm like, guys, I'm working all. I'm working till 9am 9pm and I got to be back in it. Sick. Like, I need. I need teas here by My. I gotta burn and turn his laundry. Got armor all over my shirt. Not to mention these ketchup stains.

[A]

Yeah, we don't sell pizza sauce here. Isn't that.

[B]

And so they gave me a large. So I would jump. I'd switch between a large which was

[A]

so tight you're out wetting it down in the hose trying to get some stretch on it.

[B]

I'm pulling it between two golf carts. That was another gig. People would leave clubs and I would maybe not return them to the lost and found. And then I'd fuck it.

[A]

And that's how you put a set

[B]

together when you were a kid for that time. For my one of my first sets. I got my first couple of wedges and then I did. You know, I got a ping. Whatever. People like, oh, 30 bucks.

[A]

You are a dirt bowl selling lady clubs. So this guy saw left handed lady clubs.

[B]

All right, let's see here. But that's a great g. Oh.

[A]

So

[B]

cover the cost of $10 in my pocket and so on. I once raised over $250 to cover the 25 cars. Any cash donations over that was admin fees if you catch my drift.

[A]

I respect that with you.

[B]

I respect that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Good for you.

[A]

Yeah. Like it.

[B]

All right. Let's see here. This is from Rion$10 Investor. Were you a hot glue family?

[A]

No. Never. Who the fuck had that?

[B]

We. We did. What?

[A]

You had a hot glue gun. And I scientist.

[B]

I was just talking to my mom about it. She would pl. And there. There would be a warning that would. She would send the sirens that she was gonna plug it in in an hour. Don't go near the kitchen because you couldn't turn it off.

[A]

What the was she making?

[B]

There was like arts and crafts shit.

[A]

You got that stick? Yeah, that glue stick. I love that glue stick.

[B]

Used deodorant.

[A]

That shit stuns with the rainbow colors. I used to.

[B]

Yeah. He's like. You couldn't eat hot glue. You burn your mouth on a gun. A hot glue gun.

[A]

I remember

[B]

my sis. Dude, you would think I don't know if they updated that technology. Is there an on off switch? And it had like a little kickstand and you click through the cord.

[A]

Oh yeah. Glue guns. I've seen glue. They look like little nerf guns. They're all plastic, dude.

[B]

And they're so light plastic that the cord tension would topple it over. And I burnt a kitchen counter one, man.

[A]

Oh, that tip got hot.

[B]

You might have thought we were breaking out a ray gun. Dude. This technology. We shooting Down. Drones on the southern border. Dude, this was every bucket. And then you unplugged it. It was hot for, like, three days. You couldn't put it away. I was like a curling iron.

[A]

You like those guys in Oppenheimer in the fucking bunker.

[B]

We're all hiding behind the kitchen table,

[A]

faces all sunburnt dogs growling at it.

[B]

No.

[A]

Never. A hot glue gun. Are you crazy? It was Elmer's. We were a Crazy Glue family. And there was a lot of model glue floating around. And we. Dude, from the way we handled that stuff, if that was nuclear or radioactive, we would have killed everybody in the neighborhood. We were so bad with handling that stuff. Our model glue would have a hole in that thing in two seconds. Bad.

[B]

Yeah. We never. We were. We always had. We got one thing of Crazy Glue, probably every six years. And it was for, like, one pro. Like, one thing. I'll get the Crazy Glue. And then it would leak and shit sucked, dude. It would glob at the end.

[A]

Get on your fingers.

[B]

That was fun, though. Here, feel that tension. Rip it off. Yeah. Nothing to do and have cable and no hbo.

[A]

My buddy's dad, my neighbor growing up, his dad had those RC airplanes. It was like, before drones.

[B]

That was like. That was weird shit to me.

[A]

They were. They were like the size of turkey vultures. They were huge. And he. I don't know when he did them, but he had, like, a couple hanging up in the garage. I never saw him use them, but he had, like, a little. I think he might have been an engineer or something like that.

[B]

Those guys always liked the wrong side of World War II. Yeah. You know, they were a little too. Like. They knew a little bit too much about the Blitzkrieg, if you catch my drift. Buddy. Relax.

[A]

See a patch or two in his workshop. The fuck is that?

[B]

Grandfather. Stolen. Okay.

[A]

But he had a workstation in the basement. Like a little. Like a little creep box. And he had a fucking soldering iron.

[B]

Oh, we had a. I saw that.

[A]

I was like, what the fuck are you making? Fucking Zelensky. Whatever his name is. Kuklinski. No. Who's the Unabomber?

[B]

Ted Kuklinski.

[A]

No, Kuklinski is the Iceman.

[B]

Right, Kazan. Ted Kaczynski about the Fields Medal, isn't it? I told you. I have a Vivid. My dad soldered it. We had to make an atom. And he soldered a thing for me for school. And he was. He struck the. Is soldering with an acetylene torch in the. In the garage.

[A]

That's not a soldering iron?

[B]

No, it's not welding. Yeah, no, it's a. Yeah, it's a torch. It's a torch to solder a soldering iron. Just gets really hot. And then you do it that way. Or you can use the torch like plumbers use the torch. And they have a. They have a. A roll of solder that you, like, pull out and you. You got to do it by hand like that with the torch. And never, never. I used to fight. I did a couple of joints up, and my dad would go, the difference between plumbers and fitters is plumbers wipe their joints. We were never told to wipe the joint. Okay, psycho. You're doing it with the water running, spraying every dan. Help.

[A]

Get out in the truck.

[B]

He's got this dude, he strikes because you have a striker. So he strikes the lights. The torch.

[A]

Used to love those.

[B]

And then lights a heater in his mouth. And he's soldering my atom project for, like, fourth grade. And I'm like, this is a lot. The dog's growling at him

[A]

here at the science fair. Ripping, like heaters.

[B]

All right, let's see here. This is from Farm D. Is a long time soul sister in love with both ears. How you doing?

[A]

All right.

[B]

Is it garbage? It takes something out of a lost and found that isn't yours.

[A]

No.

[B]

Someone who was stealing found the golf clubs. I think there's, like. If you have an idea that it might be somebody's, like, as I would. Wait, I would leave a golf. If somebody left a golf club in a cart or whatever, I would take it, leave it in the cart barn. And if someone came back or call and like, the pro shop, like, hey, Kevin, did you find a ping putter or whatever? Whatever. I'd let it cool for a couple

[A]

of days in my locker. Of course you let it cool.

[B]

Let it cool for a couple of days.

[A]

So if that's the case, then you fence it.

[B]

Yeah, you cool.

[A]

Then you fence.

[B]

You don't go.

[A]

You don't go moving hot merchandise, bozo, though. You get pinched, get nicked. Fucking lose your tokens. You know those sunglasses that I Wore in Route 66?

[B]

No. What? That's a. Why? I mean, dude, you know how my brain works. Do you think I would ever remember the sunglasses?

[A]

The round sunglasses?

[B]

Most sunglasses are round.

[A]

No, they're not.

[B]

Like, John Lennon can say that. Yeah. What do. You did this. Who do you think you are, Elvis Dumsky? I remember. No, I remember you shit your pants. I remember that.

[A]

Anyway, I like those sunglasses. I like those sunglasses.

[B]

You Think Hylia yourself.

[A]

I found those in a lost and found at a comedy club.

[B]

It skeeves me a little bit to wear other people's stuff, especially my face and stuff like that.

[A]

I just don't like when the ears are chewed.

[B]

Oh,

[A]

like somebody left a pair of glasses here that I would, that I like. That I would get. I would get lenses put in. But the ears are all chewed. I want to chew my ears. I don't want to. I don't want to chew on somebody else's glasses.

[B]

Yeah, I'd be weird.

[A]

Gross. You know what I mean?

[B]

Swap and spit.

[A]

Yeah, like sharing muscles.

[B]

I respect, I respect. It's just not for me. And also I'm not any more around the lost and found type thing. But every lost and found was always I. I equate to like our element. Dude, a 90s elementary school lost and found was like poop stained Russell sweatpants. A Burton Ernie T shirt. It was just like the dirtiest, mustiest.

[A]

See, I like rooting through that shit. Oh no, not the clothes. But like, like a little smell.

[B]

Gives me like weird depressive nostalgia. Wasn't a great time in my life.

[A]

And cheap furniture.

[B]

Dad left.

[A]

Striking out with the boss's daughter.

[B]

Yeah, I don't have like. It makes me sad smell makes like think of old people and old time and old things. I don't, I don't love it.

[A]

I get that around nursing home smells. When I smell like soup. Like that bugs me out. My grandmother was in a nursing home.

[B]

Okay, let's pull out of it. Pull out of it. Abort. Abort.

[A]

Trying to share. We actually had a sick super bowl party there one time. No, we didn't go Colts. What'd you say?

[B]

Go Colts in Baltimore. We could do this. Then we got a wrapper up there. This is from Michael. $10, homie. Never had one red. I recently went to a fancy steakhouse.

[A]

Look at you.

[B]

Fiance's family paid. No big deal. Is it garbage that I put the garlic butter from the bread on top of my filet mignon? It was fantastic. But I got a few looks from the family. I don't know how close you are with this family and the difference in class. It seems like a lot. If you're going. I went to a fancy steakhouse and they paid. They seem to be have a little bit more cash and a little bit more comfortable in these situations. And if they're giving the side eye, I would say it's probably not classy. I wouldn't fucking judge you. I'd Go. Ah, great. I'm okay with it.

[A]

Can I step in here?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Thank you. Here's the thing. Culinarily, these days, oftentimes the steak will be served with a tarragon butter with a rosemary butter.

[B]

We get that. You're going. I all understood, right? This. This butter's got bread crumbs and sesame seeds in it. All right, tough guy. It didn't. If the chef didn't send it. Come on.

[A]

You could have asked for a fresh one.

[B]

There you go. Hey, can I have a side of that garlic butter? I'm all right with. I'm all right with doing it. I'm just saying, if you're doing it in a mixed company, you might get some stairs. Fuck them.

[A]

Put it in my sew.

[B]

That top it off? Free sodas.

[A]

I got looks one time when we were at a steak place and you did. Sometimes they'll give you, like a little bearnais sauce or something on the side. Well, it got down to, you know, pushing and shoving. Everybody was done. There's a little. Little meat, little potatoes left or whatever. And I went in with that and just kind of finished it off with a scoop of mashed potatoes.

[B]

I don't hate that you gave me shit for taking a fork full of hummus.

[A]

That's different.

[B]

Yours is sauce. Mine's at least a fucking appetizer.

[A]

Where'd you take a fork full of hummus?

[B]

At the restaurant. At a restaurant.

[A]

I forgot about that. Now I'm pissed. I just dive over the table at you. Son of a bitch.

[B]

You owe me half a fork of hummus. Yeah, I mean to do you, but I think it's a comfort level thing. If you think they're gonna judge you and that's gonna make you feel weird, then don't do it. If you're okay with it, then fuck them. What happened? My thing is, what happens at your table with your people is your fucking business. Every like this is from a guy who's gotten judged for being a picky eater. It's like, why. What does it matter to you what I'm doing over here?

[A]

It's probably the old.

[B]

Is it a little uncouth? Sure. Then why the fuck you hanging out with me? Me?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Suck my dick.

[A]

Probably a little more thinking the guys like this guy's going home to bang. My daughter got crumbs on his steak.

[B]

Sure. That's what. Yeah, okay.

[A]

That wrong turn.

[B]

I don't know. I don't think dads are thinking that. Maybe I would be. Yeah, because you're a creep.

[A]

Fucking scumbag. Fucking butter eating. Using all my butter and taking my daughter home. Fucking lose it.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, I guess, like tape. I mean, one. We never went to fancy places growing up, and table manners weren't a real.

[A]

Ours were a little bit.

[B]

You got your elbows off the table. I mean, that.

[A]

But, like, what the fuck does that even mean?

[B]

Denise isn't gonna judge me if I put butter. We're a big butter family.

[A]

Not with all those wines in her.

[B]

Huh? We gotta wrap it up. Fucking insult my mother.

[A]

Gang, we love you to death. Grab tickets to the live shows. Tampa, Austin. First one's up on the block.

[B]

Yeah, Tampa. Sold out. We added a. Added a fifth show in Tampa. Austin might be sold out by the time you get. I mean, tickets are moving. Get your tickets.

[A]

Hey, we love you. We'll see you next week.

[B]

Peace.