Mall Walkers! w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Summary

Are You Garbage? – “Mall Walkers!” w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley (April 6, 2026)
Podcast Summary

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Main Theme & Purpose

This “Are You Garbage?” family episode features hosts H. Foley and Kevin Ryan with producer Luke. The boys dive into true “garbage” territory, sharing stories of suburban mall-walking, awkward solo errands, trashy car and lawn maintenance, and the small, hilarious indignities—and secret hacks—of American working-class life. The episode is an easygoing riff, celebrating quirky habits, questionable fashion choices, and their endless pursuit of what makes something “garbage.”

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Kevin’s Mall Obsession (Mall-Walking & Alone Time)

• Kevin sheepishly admits to spending a lot of time at the mall alone, even post-marriage and child, drawing mockery from Foley for being “weird” and “losing it.”
  • [03:10] Kevin: “I spend a lot of time at the mall. I like going to the mall.”
  • Foley’s response: “That’s sad. I thought I was a loser. You got a wife and kid at home, going to the mall?”
• The conversation veers into solo mall visits for shopping, massages, and, allegedly, not just to “get away from the family.”
  • Foley: “Family man shouldn’t do things on his own. Thankful you have one.” [07:01]

2. Suburban Dad Lifestyle: Target Runs, Lawns, Joggers

• Kevin describes the “dirtbag dad” circuit—Target runs, shopping for batteries and joggers, sneaking beers in the basement, and struggling with yardwork. Foley, a city dweller, ribbed for not having a lawn. They compare city and suburban struggles.
  • Kevin: “I’m just a dirtbag dad now. That’s what I am.” [12:15]
• Jokes about lawn-care as masculine rites of passage.

3. Trashy Car Colors and Suburban Vehicles

• Memories of every car in Kevin’s family being “tan”—the “trashiest car color.”
  • Foley: “What are you, the police force? All tan cars in the driveway!” [25:41]
• The guys list cars and colors that scream “garbage” (navy blue SUVs, maroon Suburbans, burgundy, green), with references to The Sopranos’ iconic vehicles.

4. Retail/Mall Kiosk Fantasies & Security Guards

• Extended bit about starting a “Are You Garbage” mall kiosk, selling anything to “support local,” and mall security jobs.
  • Foley: “You’re gonna go sell knockoff cologne in a dead mall?” [06:23]
• Mall cop culture, teen mall mischief, and “dead mall” nostalgia, with playful jealousy of well-heeled suburban malls (King of Prussia).

5. Clothing, Pajamas, and Trashy Sleepwear

• The boys reminisce about sleeping in oversized t-shirts, pajamas (with a back flap), and failed attempts at copying girl cousins' sleepwear as kids.
  • Foley: “I tried to do that once… my dad was like, What the fuck are you doing?” [17:12]

6. Trashy Food & Mall Eats

• Kevin is grilled about whether he eats at the mall–he swears he doesn’t. Joking about food court culture and adult mall-walkers.

7. Listener Questions: Are You Garbage? Game

• Cracking body parts and announcing it: “Are you garbage if you ask people if they heard that after you crack your neck or back?” [22:52]
• T-shirt hacks for big guys (putting on backwards to stretch), Saran Wrap woes, cereal box failures, and other domestic shortfalls.
  • Kevin on cereal: “I’ve ripped every cereal box, any Cheez-It box, any box like that...” [35:35]

8. Convenience Store/Gas Station Food Hacks

• Hot food hot bar scams at the gas station (e.g., “forgetting your wallet” so you can get free food).
  • “The first time I genuinely forgot my wallet and they let me take it anyway. The second time I was jammed up and figured I’d see if lightning strikes twice.” – Listener Jammed up Jake [61:12]
• The joys of bad pizza, taquitos, and dry wings.

9. Garbage Wisdom: Suburban Pricing Assessments

• Dads estimating property value by the price of “fences” and “trees” (“They probably got $100,000 in trees alone!”)
  • Kevin: “That’s a big thing that I just saw the other day. My family, everyone in my family has done it.” [63:25]

10. Classic Gym Class Humiliation

• Not running the Presidential Mile, hiding behind the snack shack, feigning injuries, the agony of rope climbs.
  • “I’d hide behind the snack shack and smoke cigs, only to fall in line with the average kid’s final lap.” – Listener [57:51]

11. Cultural Phenomenons the Hosts Loathe

• Foley rails against Guitar Hero, Harry Potter, American Idol, and “cultural phenomenons,” framing them as not-for-him, while Kevin claims he’d like them if Foley tried them.

12. Other Trashy Moments & Observations

• Mall-walker stereotypes: “You’re mall shopping. Next thing you know, you got one of those… you’re mall walking like Phil...” [08:03]
• Trashy ways to keep bags and boxes closed: clothespins, ladybugs in snack boxes.
• Childish clothing hacks, parents’ reactions to silly fashion choices.
• Jokes about age, failed music careers, and suburban security guard jobs.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Mall Walking:
  • Foley: “Santa Claus I could deal with… but a six-foot fuckin’ rabbit? Get the fuck out of my house.” [01:58]
  • Kevin: “Sometimes you can’t order everything online. I need stuff today. Where you gonna go? The mall.” [08:34]
• On Lawns and Suburban Life:
  • Kevin: “Once you get that lawn hooked up for the fucking spring… tell people I know you mulch.” [12:29]
• Car Color Disasters:
  • “At one point all our cars in my driveway were tan… that is the trashiest color car.” – Kevin [25:22]
  • Foley: “What are you the police force?”
• On Gym Class:
  • Listener: “I would hide behind the snack shack and smoke cigs, only to fall in line on the average kid’s final lap.” [57:51]
• Life Hacks:
  • Listener: “Is it garbage if I use my grocery store’s delivery app, but to cheat the $35 minimum, I add something expensive like crab legs I know they’ll never have in stock, so I get a refund for the difference?” [52:41] (The group: “That’s beating the system. Victimless crime!”)
• Trashy Solutions:
  • “We used to use clothespins… open up a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, it’s a moldy wooden clothesline.” – Foley [36:24]
• On Adulting:
  • Kevin: “I’m just a dirtbag dad now. That’s what I am.” [12:15]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:45-04:00: Family episode intro, riffing about beer, Easter Bunny trauma, foreshadowing the mall topic
• 04:00-06:35: Kevin’s mall confession, solo trips, shopping, massage
• 07:00-12:30: Suburban errands, dad-at-Target lifestyle, lawn care debate
• 25:22-27:54: Trashy cars, color disasters, Sopranos nostalgia
• 30:00-34:00: Clothing hacks for big guys, sleepwear, t-shirt stretching tips
• 35:08-37:15: Domestic failings: cereal boxes, Saran Wrap, snacks
• 47:02-50:00: Dismissing American Idol, Guitar Hero, Harry Potter, and culture waves
• 52:41-53:50: Listing scam: grocery delivery/adding crab legs, beating the minimum
• 61:12-62:44: “Free food” gas station hacks, taquito reviews, “banging” gas hot bars
• 57:51-59:47: Gym class cheating, mile run avoidance, rope climb woes
• 63:24-64:17: Suburban dad property price estimation (“million dollars in fence”), listenership lore

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Tone and Language

Casual, self-deprecating, rapid-fire, Philly suburban humor, full of improvisational riffing, personal confessions, and roast-style banter. Much of the charm lies in the affectionate mockery between the hosts and the deadpan celebration of working-class “trashiness.” The conversation is loaded with in-jokes, local references, and blue-collar nostalgia.

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Engaging Recap

Kevin tries to justify his mall-walking, Foley wonders if Kevin’s sanity is slipping, and the gang debates Target vs. Walmart, lawn care, eating at the mall, and whether being a “dirtbag dad” is actually bad. Listener questions prompt stories of cereal box disasters, mall kiosk fantasies, and hot food hustles. The episode is a swinging deadpan portrait of American adulthood, where the small “garbage” moments (tan cars, Saran Wrap frustration, and gas station wings) are occasions for boisterous, communal laughter.

Perfect for fans who love stories about the little stuff—errands, malls, pajamas, cars, and the never-ending quest to avoid being “classy”—while always being true to their “garbage” roots.

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Host Attribution

• Kevin Ryan (“Kippy”): admits to solo mall walks, suburban shopping, “dirtbag dad” routines
• H. Foley (“Uncle Hank”): dishes out classic Philly ridicule, city-vs-suburb perspective
• Luke (producer): adds facts (kiosk rental prices, pop culture), quiet reactions

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Skip the fancy stuff—these are your guys if you ever snuck beers at a mall, wore a dead relative’s shirt, or measured lawn status by mulch.

Transcript

[A]

Gang, let me really quick tell you what you might not know. The boys want to see you in Los Angeles for the Netflix is a joke festival in May and we want to see you this week in Chicago. So grab the squad and come hang.

[B]

Yeah. If you've never been to a live show, it's a good time. We do some stand up, then we, we play ayg with the crowd. You've seen the clips. You get your garbage question read. We call you trash. We make fun of you. It's a good time. We celebrate. Army of garbage. We love you.

[A]

See you there. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are you garbage? Yeah, it's that little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that it's a to be classy. Yeah, but they're just a big old piece of trash.

[B]

Trash, trash, trash.

[A]

I'm your host, H. Foley. Coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in a new edition. She. Well, Kevin will tell you more.

[B]

More at 11.

[A]

Mike coast is coming at you from across the table. If you don't know, this is what we call a family episode. Just the boys, the bozos and the homies. Just the way we like it. Give it up for my good pal Kevin. James Ryan, everybody.

[B]

Hey. Oh, thank you, thank you. Please stop.

[A]

Boss with the hot sauce.

[B]

Hey, gang Jean jacket man.

[A]

How you Jean J.

[B]

My James Dean years, my Jimmy Dean years.

[A]

And a can of can of beer. Sure you like a can of beer, don't you?

[B]

Sure. What?

[A]

Yes, you were asking for beers at that show.

[B]

What show?

[A]

Can you get two actually?

[B]

Yeah, well, they're giving to me.

[A]

Slugging beers, drinking beers.

[B]

Hey, somebody was bothered by that chicken. Diet Cokes like a le with a lime, wacko.

[A]

I prefer a lime.

[B]

Do you? Hey, what's up? I'm Kevin Ryan. Everybody shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in. How did lemons always. We got to pay the freaking bills around here.

[A]

Gotta keep you in your Spotify itunes, all that stuff.

[B]

Gotta keep you in your cool plaid T shirts. You gotta go.

[A]

This is my father's.

[B]

Holy. What do you have a second job as the Easter bunny?

[A]

This guy, Easter bunny didn't wear business casual. He wore no shirt, actually.

[B]

Freak.

[A]

I hated that.

[B]

Huh?

[A]

Santa Claus I could deal with. I was still freaked out him coming into the house. But a six foot fucking rabbit. Get the fuck out of my house. I don't care how many cats.

[B]

Hey, what are you, an 80s comic? Shut up. Thanks for tuning in as always, please make sure you rave. You subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available on Spotify. And the boys are climbing the charts, baby. Shout out to the army of garbage then, gang. We had a whole bunch of merch over there. We got ashtrays, we got shot glasses, we got koozies, all on sale. We got T shirts, we got hats, all the whole nine yards. Get it out.

[A]

Big sale over there.

[B]

Big sale.

[A]

We're moving out the inventory.

[B]

Clean out the inventory. Dating, liquidating.

[A]

Everything must go.

[B]

No, no, it's not that grand. I found that crazy Eddie slashing prices over.

[A]

They always did that.

[B]

What?

[A]

He wasn't going anywhere. It was a sales gimmick.

[B]

Mm. Everything must go.

[A]

Everything must go. Liquidate. Liquidate the inventory to make room for the new stuff, which is just old stuff.

[B]

Hey dad. Welcome to Marshalls.

[A]

You start selling jeans. That's a weird. Instead of selling merch, just start selling clothes. Winter coats.

[B]

Well, this is. I. I've been spending. I spent two and somebody made fun of me. A friend of mine.

[A]

Who made fun of you?

[B]

A friend of mine, Phil X's wife.

[A]

I love her.

[B]

Yeah, she's great. I was saying I spend a lot of time at the mall and she's like, what are you doing? I spent a lot of time at the mall. I like going to the mall.

[A]

You do?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Just to push the kid around.

[B]

No, not anymore. I go by myself.

[A]

You're joking.

[B]

Nah, I just go to the mall.

[A]

What mall?

[B]

It depends. I spent a lot of time at the Oxford Valley Mall.

[A]

You're joking.

[B]

No.

[A]

That's sad.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Thought I was a loser. You'd have a wife and kid at home going to the mall.

[B]

I'm not like. I'm not going to pick up chicks.

[A]

What are you going to the bathroom? Tapping on the stall. Bed in there.

[B]

What are you doing here and there? Kippy, is that you? Awkward.

[A]

Um.

[B]

What?

[A]

You're joking.

[B]

No. Well, I'm not like hanging out at the mall, but.

[A]

What day?

[B]

Doesn't matter. What?

[A]

Did you know this?

[C]

I mean, I feel like we picked up on it just from the massages, the.

[B]

Oh yeah, yeah. Well, I had to buy how to buy an outfit for the special, so I went to the Macy's. Uh huh. Right.

[A]

I'll give you that.

[B]

Yeah. And then I went back the next day to look for a pair of shoes for what was special. Huh. And then I went a few days later to get a massage.

[A]

Right, we know that.

[B]

I mean, that's three days in a. It's three out of four days.

[A]

Okay. Have you gone since?

[B]

No, I haven't. I haven't been down to visit the PC.

[A]

Let's give it a rest for the summer. You have a family at home. What?

[B]

You're like.

[A]

You're.

[B]

I mean, you act like. You act like I'm out the riding fences.

[A]

So you leave. You.

[B]

What do you mean, Socks didn't have a family at home. Like, I'm abandoning my family.

[A]

Well, on a Sunday, you're like, hey, I'm going out to the mall. Back in a few hours. That's weird, man.

[B]

I'm not doing that.

[A]

I used to know a guy that did that. He would go shopping at Hallmark stores for, like, Christmas stuff, like, all throughout the year just to get away from the family.

[B]

I have to tell you, I worked with a guy at the Harrisburg Comedy Zone, and he's like, I was featuring.

[A]

No, but I wish I wouldn't have his feature.

[B]

And he was. I was thinking he had driven in from, like, Michigan or something, and he's. He's like, yeah, road dog. Real road dog guy. He's like, what are you doing tomorrow? And I go, I gotta hang out or fucking sleep. I just hang over off get a bacon egg. I don't know, man. And he goes, you want to. You know, I got. I'm going around dry. I got. I gotta go look at some stuff. I go, what do you. He's like. I'm like, what are you looking for? He had the. He's like, I got the biggest haunted house in. In Michigan or something, and I gotta go look for. There's a lot of good, like, flea markets around. He goes and looks for stuff for his decorations. Yeah, trinkets and whatnot. Eyeballs or what? I don't know, with skulls and stuff like that? Nah, man.

[A]

I'm Catholic.

[B]

Sound like devil shit. Anywho, that's one thing I want to do. I want to get a kiosk or I want to. I want to.

[A]

You want to get a kiosk?

[B]

You said you want to start selling jeans and stuff like that.

[A]

I was joking.

[B]

Yeah, me too. I want to rent a place in the mall.

[A]

And so are you. Garbage merch?

[B]

No, just sell anything. Just have. Just run a business. That'd be fun, hanging out at the mall.

[A]

You got a family with these malls?

[B]

I'm providing for my family.

[A]

You have a job here, A good one. You're gonna go sell knockoff cologne in the. In a dead mall?

[B]

Yeah. What do you mean, dead mall? I can bring it back I'm supporting local. Support the community. Hey, got to get these Armenians in here somehow.

[A]

I don't. This. Something about this isn't sitting right with me.

[B]

What?

[A]

You're. You're losing it. You're hanging it at the mall.

[B]

Stop saying I'm hanging out at the mall. I went shopping at the mall and I got one massage at the mall that's not that weird.

[C]

Do you eat at the mall?

[B]

No, I didn't eat at the mall.

[A]

A family man shouldn't do things on his own.

[B]

What does that even mean?

[A]

Thankful you have one.

[B]

What does that even mean? Do things on my own? Yeah, I'm not like going on vacation and shit by myself. Do stuff alone. I'm running to the store, getting supplies for my family and stopping at the mall.

[A]

Oh, the massagers for the baby, huh?

[B]

That was so I could be relaxed.

[A]

The walk and roll.

[B]

They could do my job. But there was this one guy just walk. He was walking. He walked in and out of every store. Older, single guy. Yeah, like a. Fuck. Yeah. He kind of. It just got a hooker, man. He's just walking around. I saw him in every store. He's just popping in. He's like. He would be in like journeys, like looking up, you know?

[A]

For all we know, that guy could be happy as a clam. You know what Tom Hardy said? He loves spending time by himself.

[B]

Why are you breaking my balls for spending time.

[A]

He's not hanging out in a mall. And he's a good looking actor.

[B]

What am I, gross and weird?

[A]

You're mall shopping. Next thing you know, you got one of those.

[B]

I went to a Macy's in your hand. I'm not mall shopping.

[A]

You are. You're mall walking. Like Phil. Like fuck yeah.

[B]

Got him. Oh, there you go.

[A]

Diesel. Who ran the New York crew? No, before him. Carmine. He goes mall walking Tuesdays and Thursdays.

[B]

Yeah, their people are there, they're doing that. Whatever. This isn't about whatever.

[A]

Enough with the malls, okay? That's it.

[B]

Yeah, that's our problem.

[A]

It's not good. You listen. You start falling apart, we're in trouble.

[B]

I'm not falling apart. I'm supporting local business and I'm guy. Sometimes you can't order everything online. I need stuff today. Where are you gonna go? I go to Target. I go to the mall.

[A]

Kind of shoes did you get?

[B]

I ended up not getting shoes.

[A]

Fast paced life you're living over there.

[C]

Just hanging out at the mall.

[B]

Yeah, just vibe it, dude.

[A]

You're just trying on shoes just to hang out with the guy doing the

[B]

thing where I'm sprinting now These aren't it. I got a basketball.

[A]

What time's your lunch? That'd be a fun thing, that little challenge that we should do what we have to each go out and make a friend on the spot.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Wouldn't that be fun?

[B]

Practical jokers.

[A]

Is that what they do?

[B]

I mean, I would love to see you try.

[A]

They'd bury us.

[B]

Oh, yeah. There's the highest rated TV show.

[A]

Number 13 seasons. Shout out to the fucking boys doing numbers.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Why can't you do that?

[B]

I'm at the mall. What do you mean? Why can't you break in my balls?

[A]

I don't know. But in tv.

[B]

That's right. Don't you forget it.

[A]

Got no ideas.

[B]

Let's check deadline.

[A]

Get out of here with the deadline.

[C]

You got mall vibes right now? If I'm being honest.

[B]

You do. You should be cruising around the mall putting in job applications.

[A]

You shoot me down. Yeah, I should be in the mall working. I'm a 50 year old man.

[B]

Yeah. We should get a key. We should open up a kiosk.

[A]

I'm not doing that.

[B]

You busk.

[A]

I break my balls here. I gotta show up at a mall on Sunday at 9 o'. Clock.

[B]

I love how you think.

[A]

I come in hungover, you're busting my chop.

[B]

You say I break your balls. That's what you think I'm doing?

[A]

Crazy. You're nuts.

[B]

Working for you, huh?

[C]

That'd be fun though. Yeah.

[B]

Thanks, Luke. I appreciate.

[A]

Where are you going to get that thing?

[B]

Get what thing?

[A]

The kiosk.

[B]

It's like a wagon, you know? I mean, they got them. It's not.

[A]

Buy it yourself. I guarantee you got to buy that.

[B]

I guarantee the Oxford Valley Mall will give you a kiosk if you start. If. Do you write a check for a thousand dollars? You probably get. They could probably get pennies. Take a. Take over the old boss Gov's. I'll.

[A]

I'll work there. If I could do with the car. You know, they got the car parked in there.

[B]

Yeah, we could do that.

[A]

Yeah. Sell that park.

[B]

Did you park your Jeep in there?

[A]

Wow, people. No, not my Jeep. I'm selling my Jeep.

[B]

Make a couple of bucks.

[A]

No, you get like a Buick or something like that. Guess how many marbles are in there.

[B]

Filled with marbles.

[A]

I don't get an intern to do it.

[B]

It's Luke's job.

[A]

Give you the kiosk.

[C]

You just release it.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Otherwise it'd be all different kiosks.

[C]

It's about 500 bucks a month.

[B]

That's it.

[C]

Yeah, I mean, it depends on where you're getting location. It goes up to seven grand a month.

[A]

Seven grand.

[B]

That's like I can.

[A]

That's got to be Vegas or something downtown.

[B]

That's got to be on the Strip, at least outside the Luxor. Listen, but all that's neither here nor there. My Walt. My mall time or non mall time. Hit me, guys. If you guys are out there.

[A]

I. You were losing it.

[B]

I'm not losing it. I had to go to the mall a couple of times.

[A]

That's not.

[B]

That's not crazy.

[A]

But you're going to go back.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

You're going to start. You're going to start going more and more. I got to get this, I got to get that. I got to get. Next thing you know, you're going for watch batteries. That's the sign of a guy that's losing it. When you're going to buy watch batteries. Just throw whatever it is out. You're going to get that little battery, you freak.

[B]

I did make. I did make a battery run. Oh, not at the mall. I didn't go to the mall.

[A]

Where do you get batteries?

[B]

I went to Target. I use it as an excuse to go to Target. Target's a fine establishment.

[A]

I give you Target.

[B]

I got a pack. I got a pair of joggers. I'm like, I'm just a dirtbag dad now. That's what I am. It's a dirtbag dad.

[A]

Cruising, drinking beers in the basement.

[B]

Cruising, Target, grabbing stuff, sneaking beers.

[A]

Once you get that lawn hooked up for the fucking spring. Barrist tell people I know you Mulch. Yeah, yeah. It's some fucking edging done over there.

[B]

Crazy.

[C]

What are you doing with your lawn this year, Henry?

[A]

Yeah, I don't have a lawn. I live in the city.

[B]

Oh, do you?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

How's that going? You really see you're really sitting in a glass house with a swinging a wrecking ball.

[A]

Yeah, that's what I want.

[B]

I know you got. You got you. Dude, you have a thing where, you know I got fucking all guns and you just start fucking needle and me

[A]

hope somebody shoot me.

[B]

Death by cop.

[A]

Which, you know, I was watching the town the other day.

[C]

Death by ball cop.

[B]

Believe it or death by. We should be more cops.

[A]

Death by kiosk.

[B]

No, see if we can get more. See if we can get more cop jobs.

[A]

Only if we have guns. They don't give you any respect. What's some fucking teenager making fun of me?

[B]

No teenager. I'm the youngest guy at the mall. There's no teenager. No, I'm there calling you Fed. They try to catch me.

[A]

Crazy. They don't give those guys guns.

[B]

They're sick. What do you mean?

[A]

Everybody fucking get in line real quick. A taser or something. People just fuck with them, dude, they. Nobody listens to that.

[B]

Yeah, they just knocked down part of my mall and just put up town out, like apartments. Crazy in the mall. The side of the mall, like Boscobs or whatever's gone. Whatever's on that.

[A]

So, like the parking lots.

[B]

The mall, yeah.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

Which isn't bad though, right? The proximity to the mall. Location, location, yeah.

[A]

Bonefish Grill every day.

[B]

No, it's funny, like, you drive around like you do the. You know, the circle around the mall. Like the road around the mall.

[A]

No, you're acting like you discovered fire. I've been to the mall, you loser.

[B]

Not recently, it seems.

[A]

I don't know. Been to Dick's Sporting.

[B]

Bet you have. I've been to Dick's too.

[A]

There you go. Yeah, What'd you get?

[B]

What'd I get? My wife wanted dumbbells.

[A]

What? Yeah, because you start working out, she gonna step out on you.

[B]

You're in the mall, Irv. With what? Irv? Listen, all that's neither here nor there. We got a gosh darn family episode. Get to work. What do we do?

[C]

There are openings for retail security officers.

[B]

There you go. Prussia, that's a nice mall. That's out by Patty, too. Yeah, that mall's too nice. They got like fucking Prada and shit.

[A]

Who the fuck's getting that in King of Prussia?

[B]

There's a lot of rich people out that way in King of Prussia.

[A]

I don't know about that. Franzoon is over near that.

[C]

So nice. Yeah, like parts of that area not.

[B]

But close to that King of Fresh.

[A]

What are you talking. You know what the hell you're talking.

[B]

What are you talking about? I don't know exactly.

[A]

I got nothing.

[B]

You got nothing?

[A]

Just throwing a spike strips. Can we get the work?

[B]

I'm trying. You keep spike stripping.

[A]

Plenty of Bugman T shirts available.

[B]

Yeah, I think they're gone.

[A]

Get the hell out of here.

[B]

Oh, he started selling them for six bucks. Talk about liquidating. Everything must go.

[A]

Bunch of kids in Africa wearing them.

[B]

I'll tell you exactly how many we have left right now. I get a live update on my

[A]

phone, I get a cut of that, right?

[B]

What? Okay, yeah. 15 available.

[A]

There you go. Guess what I got.

[B]

That's not that Many sizes. Too small.

[A]

Too small.

[B]

They're all too small. No, there's two small. Six medium.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Five large.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

No. XL.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

No. 2X.

[A]

Shout out to the big boys. Stepping up for Uncle.

[B]

There's 2.3X left.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And 0.4X.

[A]

Those guys probably died.

[B]

Rest in peace.

[A]

Hey, broads out there get a medium sleep in it?

[B]

People were. We moved a lot of them. There's like a hundred of them. We moved. That's pretty good.

[A]

I used to love that when a chick would sleep in a T shirt. Like an oversized T shirt.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

Probably not the time. Replaced.

[B]

Is that what Patty used to do?

[A]

No, she wore formal pajamas like a lady.

[B]

Oh. Little flap in the back.

[A]

But I tried to do that once.

[B]

What, slap in the back?

[A]

No, I slept in. Just. My. All my girl cousins would just sleep in a T shirt.

[B]

And then one twisted guy tucking your wiener back. Rolling. Rolling around in a Matthew Perry T shirt or something. I was trying to think of the guys. The guys from 90210. Steve Perry.

[A]

No.

[B]

Fuck.

[A]

Don't tell me. Kevin Dillon. No. He just died. Luke Combs.

[B]

No.

[A]

Luke Wilson.

[B]

Perry. Luke Perry.

[A]

Luke Perry.

[B]

I was close to the master.

[A]

Jason Priestley's the other day.

[B]

Jason Priestley?

[A]

No. They all slept in T shirts and underwear. And I started. I did it like once or twice at my house. And my dad was like, what the fuck are you doing? Awkward conversation.

[B]

What? This one. How old were you?

[A]

Too young.

[B]

I mean, I feel like there's a. There's a meaty part of the curve you could hit where that's okay.

[A]

Maybe like 10. And I liked it.

[B]

I feel like that's too old.

[A]

Is it?

[B]

Although I was wearing silk boxers, so I don't really know.

[A]

Yeah, it was the 80s. Very fluid. I was also playing soccer, and I had a permission.

[B]

Sounds like you were playing for both teams, too. You had a perm?

[A]

Yeah, I got a perm.

[B]

My dad used to get perms.

[A]

Sick. All my cousins had curly hair and they used to dry their hair like this. I wanted that, so I got a perm. My mom did it. Fucked it up. Looked like an asshole running around that

[B]

soccer field, tight ass, fucking shorts, looking like Lexi Lawless. I look like Maradono out there doing Key Bumps.

[A]

Did he? Yeah, he was on a.

[B]

He's like a coach or whatever. He was on the sidelines. He got caught. His guys were, like, all covering him up, and he was.

[A]

He's doing a hitter.

[B]

Little toot.

[A]

Little Games are long, as you know. Yeah. We're all over the place. He was great.

[B]

Sure. What it. That's like the fifth time you brought him up.

[A]

I keep getting reels of him.

[B]

What are you watching? Cokeheads throughout history.

[A]

He was Argentinian. Is he alive? He died.

[C]

He passed.

[A]

How'd he die?

[C]

Fun life.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Living a good life. He passed. Past couple years.

[B]

Here's to the good life.

[A]

Yeah. Way to fucking kill the vibe, Luke.

[B]

Let's talk about you and your fucking thong underwear.

[C]

That's 2020.

[A]

2020.

[B]

Covid. Got him. Did it hoax?

[A]

China? Kevin. Gotta tell them about Quince.

[B]

Quince. Quince.

[A]

Quince. As you know, Quince makes high quality everyday essentials using premium materials like 100% European linen and their insanely soft flow knit activewear fabric. I'm gonna say that again. Insanely soft flow knit activewear fabric. Don't you just wanna put that on right now?

[B]

Ooh.

[A]

Don't you just wanna put that on right now?

[B]

Slip into that.

[A]

Their men's linen pants and shirts are lightweight, breathable and comfortable. Basically the perfect layer for spring. And that's important, especially now.

[B]

Yes. The best part is that their prices are 50 to 60% less than similar brands. How? They work directly with ethical factories. That cuts out the middleman and brings the savings right to you. So you're paying for quality, not brand to markup. Listen, I'm a big guy. I love their pants. They got this slim, tapered, athletic thing going. Any gray pair of pants you see me in, it's a pair of. I'm strutting around, I got about four.

[A]

Look at you.

[B]

Got about four or five of them joints.

[A]

You're living your life, aren't you?

[B]

You know it, dog. Right now you can refresh your wardrobe with quince. Go to quince.com garbage for free shipping and 365 day returns. Because we're all bozos. You get some, you guys don't fit, you sit it, and then you're stuck with it. Not that. We'll take it back. 365 Bang. Now available in Canada. Go to Q U I n c e.com Garbage for free shipping. 365 day returns. Quince.com Garbage do it, Ken.

[A]

We got time out. Blue Chew.

[B]

Knock, knock. Who's there? Boner alert.

[A]

We got a big boner alert, gang. We're talking about the brand new Blue Chew. Gold is the newest innovation from the number one Chewable Ed brand. This ain't your grandpa's little blue pill. I can tell you that right now. This is the four in one beast that's Settling the gold standard for performance. We're talking about mega boners blasting her out, blowing her hair back deep, digging oil, jigging. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. We're talking about hot stuff.

[B]

They call it the beach. Okay, let's take a. Let's take a walk back from Hornytown. We got two ingredients for blood flow that keep the rocket pumping. Mixed with.

[A]

It's all about blood flow.

[B]

Apomorphine and oxytocin. To turn up the arousal and connection in your brain and your body. Blue Chew Gold dissolves under your tongue and work works in as little as 15 minutes. That low is right around the corner.

[A]

Oh, get the check from hardwood.

[B]

That means you can get it on quicker and stay in the game longer, dog. Make life easier by getting harder and discover your options. @bluetooth.com they got a special for our listeners. You get 10 off your first month of Blue Chew of Bluechew Gold with code Garbage. That's promo code garbage. Visit bluetooth.com for more details and important safety information. We thank Bluetooth for supporting the podcast that.

[A]

Yes, we do.

[B]

All right, listen, we gotta get freaking. Get into some questions here, all right? You and your perverse stuff you got going on. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Don't pivot. Perverse stuff. Let's see here. This one's from skid Mark Clark. Great name, great name. $10Chainman here. Are you Garbage? If you ask people if they heard that after you crack your neck or your back, you heard that. That's great, dude. That's great. Just when you think, I mean, the listeners, the, the homies are the best.

[A]

When you can crack your jaw,

[B]

I'm. My hands, my knuckle. I can, I do, like do them all right. And I don't know that I do them. It's like a nervous tick, kind of. I guess.

[A]

I like doing it to somebody.

[B]

You do it to people.

[A]

Yeah. Like, you know, your lady or whatever.

[B]

No, no cracking. Cracking your lady's knuckles. She a fucking boxer. It's crazy, dude. I was at, I was at dinner with my father in law. They're a little refined people. I'm not sure you know what I mean? And once I do one, I got to do them all. And I can get like the weird knuckles. Like not just like, you know what I mean? I can get like the middle knuckle. Yeah. Little crab legs. You know what I mean? There.

[A]

Which there isn't.

[B]

There's good cracking in there, dog. So I got going. I can, I. I have this thing where I can twist them all like certain ways and stuff.

[A]

You're doing this at dinner.

[B]

And I can do. I can do like my. My wrist and stuff like that.

[A]

What the stop?

[B]

Yeah. I go, there's got. There's like 25 that I do once I start doing them. And dude, I looked up and we were at like a nice ride. We were like Gallagher's or something. I looked up and he went, kevin. And he doesn't speak English. He went, kevin. And just shook his head. No.

[A]

I can gleek too.

[B]

I bet you I can chug to his beard.

[A]

You see how many olives I can get in my mouth at once? What's wrong with you?

[B]

I'm a dirtbag.

[A]

You're really coming out.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

I don't know. You're shifty.

[B]

I'm not hanging at the mall and cracking my knuckles.

[A]

Not as a business owner. He's so needed to be the face of this operation. And it ain't going to be me.

[B]

You can be the acid, definitely not the wiener, I'll tell you that much.

[A]

My wiener's looking good these days, huh?

[B]

Did you take it to the body shop? Mako, get it stretched out. I never understood how they could paint a car for like 200 bucks.

[A]

Because it sucks.

[B]

Yeah, Ray, with a can of spray paint.

[A]

Mako, are you still banging?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Five, nine. It'd be like four, nine. And we'll spray paint your car for 200 bucks.

[C]

Yeah, they're still banging.

[B]

What's it. What's it? What's their special they got running?

[C]

Let's find out.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

You go on the website, it's never

[A]

had a car painted? No, never.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Can I get a lease? Painted? Can I paint my car?

[B]

I do not think so.

[A]

No. Fuck them.

[B]

Would. I don't know if you said this to me or a friend said this to me, but it hit me hard recently when at one point all of our cars in my driveway were tan. Was that you making fun of me for that? Like, they're all sand colored. And I think Pat or somebody was like, that is the trashiest color car.

[A]

That's weird.

[B]

And at one point, me is the trashiest color me. I had the Montego, my mom had the Bravada, and my dad and my stepdad had like a fucking 2000 or 98 suburban and they were all that same.

[A]

What are you, the police force?

[B]

Fuck is that? What do you guys work for the city? That's crazy.

[A]

A tow truck parked in there, too. That's nuts, man.

[B]

Looks like the Motor pool. How you got the Bravada today?

[A]

Fuck kind of business you guys in? Jesus Christ. Yeah, it was so.

[B]

It all looked like park rangers. We all. We have like the yellow lights, you know what I mean? Not the cop lights. Probably some municipality.

[A]

You're like, you. I don't care how many squirrels die. Usually gonna pick up roadkill. Which, man, they really have laxed on that. Especially down in the burbs. There's fucking dead deer everywhere. Seeing their rib cage.

[B]

And there's this one we pass in the burbs, his neck saw. He's got, like, rigor mortis where he was like, trying to get back up or something. It looks like he turned into stone midway through. Dude, he's looking at you as you drive by. It's bad. Yeah, put a blanket over. Turn them. Pull somebody. Pull him into the woods or something. I got a kid in the car.

[A]

What the. I gotta get rid of them little kids. Seeing that in the summer.

[B]

Flies flying out of its eyes and stuff.

[A]

Oh, God. Brutal. Yeah, beautiful deer. You know, this is a trashy color of car. Navy blue. Not like a BMW, but if you get like an SUV and it's navy blue. Trash, they didn't have black.

[B]

Sure. You know what else is. What else? Yes, I'll give you that. What else I feel is real trashy and it's. You know, you'll probably. He's your lord and savior, so you'll probably push back on it. But that maroon, like the maroon Suburban that Tony drove, the Tony Soprano drove. That's. That's. That's real trash shit with a. You don't like that, did you. You know, it's true, though.

[A]

I didn't like the white Cadillac that he had.

[B]

The s. S. T. Oh, that. No, that's. That's the car that guy drives with

[A]

the muscle kid that drove it.

[B]

Yeah, you just didn't like. You wanted to be that kid.

[A]

No.

[B]

Yeah. Cut off T shirt, handgun in the glove box.

[A]

I would have drove Tony for sure, dude. You.

[B]

We would know.

[A]

And the banging. Carmela, obviously.

[B]

Obviously that's what you'd be doing. Probably beat up Phil Leotardo and everybody. Yeah, no, you're not. I mean, you're not cut out for that kind of life. You're not a cut off for this kind of. You're not cut off for podcast.

[A]

What are you talking about? I could have drove Tony.

[B]

No, you couldn't.

[A]

My whole life's in a rear view.

[B]

It's gonna be. He's gonna bother him that I say no. Yeah. You just shut down. No. Oh,

[A]

yeah. That was a wax Suburban.

[B]

Yeah, just that color. Those.

[A]

When we've had a lot of them. What, a lot of burgundy cars?

[B]

Yeah, burgundy green. Was there greens? Bad green. Yeah.

[A]

Who's buying a green car?

[B]

My Vinnie with the skinnies. Buick was green.

[C]

Green can be classy to me.

[B]

What are you talking Jaguar or something

[C]

like that Land Rover?

[B]

That. That. Well, it depends on the car.

[A]

Yeah, those 90s 80s Jaguars. I never met one guy that drove those that wasn't a complete fucking dickhead.

[B]

Yeah, my old boss at the Dick. The golf club, he was such a dick. He would speed in and you're like, God, relax and hit the brakes real quick.

[A]

Yeah, Dick head.

[B]

He had like. He wore like baggy slacks that were like, cool. He thought he was cool. He was cool. I guess he owned the country club. Whatever.

[A]

He owned a country club.

[B]

Think. Yeah. He was the owner of the country club or something. Yeah.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I didn't get to own a. Why don't we do that? Get in with the fucking highfalutin.

[B]

I said I got denied. I tried. I wanted to join a.

[A]

Price of your fucking mall walking, you creep. Fucking pair of mom jeans.

[B]

I wanted to join just for content, Fish out of water type stuff. Go in there, cause a scene.

[A]

What club?

[B]

I plead the fifth on that one

[A]

was a nice one, like manufacturers or. No, no, the Philadelphia Cricket Club.

[B]

No, you know, Danny's in Manny's. He was banned for a year. Philadelphia Cricket Club is fighting in the parking lot. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, that's all. I don't. I do. I golf once a year. I just want golf.

[A]

You go and you have lunch in front of pool, play tennis, hang out golfing, go to the range, maybe hit the putt.

[B]

You just named golf and stuff.

[A]

Yeah, but. Yeah, I'm not walking the 18 holes, first of all.

[B]

You don't walk the 18 holes. You drive a fucking car.

[A]

I'm not doing it, okay? I just want to be around.

[B]

No one's asking.

[A]

I just want to be around. I just want to be around. I want to have an iced tea, okay? I want to have a fucking turkey club. What's with side of fruit?

[B]

Okay. You can do that anywhere. I feel

[A]

any.

[B]

Who, if anybody knows any really bad. Listen, does anybody. Can anybody get me in a country club?

[A]

What about Plymouth Whitemouth?

[B]

That's fucking far as shit.

[A]

The fuck?

[B]

Driving all the way out there where you came from, you just want stuff near where you grew up. You're just naming stuff in Your fucking neighborhood.

[A]

What's up by? What's up your way? Ain't nothing up there. There's fucking shooting ranges.

[B]

There's the one place that turned me down.

[A]

Why, you didn't make enough money?

[B]

No. I don't know if they look at that. What? No, apparently it's a dump. I tried to get in and then they sent me. Hey, we're full, but we have a wait list if you can join.

[A]

Yeah, I know somebody over there manufactures. Probably get you in.

[B]

My brother's a member. I just said this. Yeah, he's like. My brother's been a member for a decade.

[A]

He's not gonna.

[B]

Yeah, he probably wouldn't. No, I'm famous. He go in there. I started Glad hand. What are we talking about? Somebody get me in.

[A]

Some very dear old friend of mine makes those decisions over there.

[B]

I. We. We all know they know the same people. Listen, who do you think could get me my brother? Who's a member?

[C]

Bringing it back. A Manko paint job is gonna typically cost you between 308. 300 and $800 for a single stage paint. Minimal prep.

[B]

Minimal prep means like they're spraying a windows and shit. If that's a bad tape job, that's

[A]

a bad tape job. No tape.

[B]

Yeah, that is. I think you gotta like, do it a lot if you don't want them. If you don't want them painting the headlights, you got to cover them up yourself.

[A]

They always minimal prep. Those masks, that can't be good to breathe that in.

[B]

No. I remember one kid I knew was doing it in. In high school. He'd be like, I was like his tag. And I remember. What are you. He'd go and work in the paint at Mako.

[A]

No, another joint.

[B]

Yeah, like a local joint.

[A]

When they do it nice, they were cool. It's all rapping now is what the kids. There's a place across the street from me, does custom wrap Porsches, Lamborghinis, Ferraris. I'm being serious. Yeah, nice little business. There's also an antique furniture shop around the corner.

[B]

Holyville. Sounds nice this time of year. All right, let's see here.

[A]

By the way, my cup is now empty. Just so what he knows. Shark Seltzer, right?

[B]

This one's from Uncle Dube. $10 hoagie. Never have one red Big man pro move incoming here.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I've been around the big man world a lot myself. You sure know, we. We all have our little tips and secrets.

[A]

I love this.

[B]

How to operate like a big man.

[A]

I love this.

[B]

Never Heard this one. Oh, curious to get your take on it.

[A]

All right.

[B]

For your T shirts.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

A T shirt for a bigger guy is a fucking problem. You know what ones fit, you know what ones are tight. You know how much stretching you got to do, how much pulling what ones. You don't even try stretching. You can tell when you get your hand. When the second you put your hands in, you got not happen. So this is you put your T shirt on backwards and it gives it that fat guy stretch and then you turn it the right way and do it all over again. So I guess you put it on backwards and then maybe stretch it out a little bit. Your arms. That's what I. You know what I mean? Like that stretches it and that stretches it from the back. Like that stretches it all a circular rather than.

[A]

So this the front doesn't look all stretched out. Yeah, because I get it sometimes it looks like.

[B]

Oh, you get it bad.

[A]

Smuggling meat.

[B]

Looks like you get a fist fight with a bunch of third graders.

[A]

Not no more.

[B]

That's not bad. I'm curious. I'm going to have to try that next tight shirt I got. I'm curious if you do it too.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

See if we can come back with.

[A]

I'll do it right now. Shark. Give me a shirt.

[B]

Let's see here. This one's from red bank rob. $10. Person of interest. Great name. Is there something basic do you are incapable of doing? I have never once correctly opened or closed a box of cereal or other cardboard food container. Also for the life of me, I've never been able to roll, cut and apply a piece of Saran Wrap, all that kind of stuff. It's just laziness, I think right from being a kid.

[A]

Saran Wrap's a fucking booby trap.

[B]

Yeah, I've gotten decent as I've become a little more domesticated. Decent at tinfoil, better at tinfoil. Saran Wrap still.

[A]

Don't you love when you get a good seal on top of something, something. You touch it, it's over. Cereal.

[B]

The boxes I never, I've never liked. This is the way I see it. You open up the box. You can't rip the flap.

[A]

No.

[B]

I've ripped every cereal box, any Cheez it box, any type of box like that, Right? And then there's the opening of the bag, which I don't always do great. And then the proper way, when you're done eating Cheez its I would say is to roll the bag up. You should cinch it. Cinch the bag with a Chip clip or something.

[A]

A chip clip inside would be the

[B]

proper way to maintain it. I'm not saying I do that. I'm saying that is. Do you ever go over your buddy's house and you open up, these are going to be fresh because they got the fucking chip clip on there. Yeah, yeah. That was not happening in our chip clips hit hard. We used to use clothespins. Open up a fucking be in the summer. We'd be back and forth from the shore. You open up a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. It's a moldy wooden fucking clothesline. Clothespin in there.

[A]

Fucking ladybug sitting in there.

[B]

Yeah, fuck that.

[A]

Two caterpillars. I always had trouble with the carton of milk. The half gallon.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

I would fuck that up.

[B]

Well, if you don't get that right lip open, then you like pull the real thin version of it off. And then that's like. Then you die. You hear your dad, who the hell he would scream, run out the back door.

[A]

My shit was open.

[B]

Act like you're sleeping. He can't hit a sleeping kid.

[A]

Because I'd go from the other side. Decide you're not supposed to if I that one up.

[B]

No, it was great when they put the. Now the. This was probably late. The cap.

[A]

I hate the cap.

[B]

I know, but it made the authentic feel okay. I get you. But that made. It just made everything easier.

[A]

Yeah, no, it did.

[B]

That was. Pouring was easier. Yeah, of course.

[A]

Tropicana.

[B]

Also carton of milk. I mean, I. We weren't really. We were in plastic. We were at the plastic. We were also doing gallons. We were not a half gallon. Okay, tough guy.

[C]

It also sometimes shoots out so quick when you have that opening up the spout. When you do the paper open, then

[A]

you spill it on the counter. Then you're getting hit. Getting hit. Spill that. The fuck are you doing,

[B]

man?

[C]

Like a tsunami wave.

[A]

Catch a backhand. You're about to have a nice lunch. Hot goes all over you. He feels bad. You feel bad.

[B]

You're a twisted guy there, Hank.

[A]

Fucked up.

[B]

This is in the same world. This is from today's tight leather pants. $10 long term investor and have had one red shout out to you. Nostalgia question. Do you boys remember when wide mouth cans hit the scene?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, what were they. What did they first come in on though? See if you can find that out. I want to say like it was the. The.

[A]

The. The hole was bigger.

[B]

Yeah, but I don't think they were all canned drinks were doing that. That had to.

[A]

No, it was beers I want to

[B]

say it was like soda. Or was that. What was that?

[A]

Coors Light?

[B]

I think I remember somebody had the vin, the vent. Someone had, like. There was like, a line. I think Coors Light had, like, a line on the. The mouth of the can.

[C]

Coors introduced their wide mouth in 1996 to reduce the glug effect.

[B]

Yeah, but then they did a vent to that. Back when I was like. That was when I was drinking the like. So high school, college years for us, probably.

[A]

You know what blew my.

[B]

It was like a little slit kind of.

[A]

You know what blew my mind? And I. To this day, I still don't understand the science behind it. And I guess it's only Guinness, but the nitrous thing, I never got that vin, dude.

[B]

Vinnie brought those on senior week, and we were like, what are you, a scientist? Got CO2 in your beers?

[A]

That wasn't nitrous in there was. It was CO2.

[B]

I don't know. Nitrogen. I see. If you can figure that out. It would just give it the head. It gives it the foam. It would release, like, some.

[A]

I don't like that. Smells like spray paint. When the balls were.

[B]

I never got that.

[A]

I didn't get what that was either. What, the balls and spray paint.

[B]

I think that keeps it moving.

[A]

That's what they tell you.

[C]

Pressurized nitrogen in the Guinness with a hollow plastic ball, and it gives you. Yeah, it mimics the draft stout on tap, creating the signature creamy smooth head.

[A]

You ever see those Japanese sodas that have the glass bowl in there? You push them down.

[C]

As a kid, that was huge.

[B]

You had those.

[C]

You go to Sakura, the hibachi spot near us. Everyone will get them rich.

[A]

That's crazy.

[C]

They were huge. When I was a kid, I was

[A]

42 years old the first time I had one of those.

[C]

Just had one like, two months ago, actually.

[B]

In fact, I've never had one. Yeah, what you're talking about, I saw. But you think Denise was buying Japanese soda? Last time I checked, we won the war. Okay, Guy. My grand. My great grand. My grandfather didn't fight in Korea to take my shoes off and drink Japanese soda.

[A]

Jesus Christ.

[B]

Goddamn Patriots. Okay, I saw.

[A]

I'll have a Coke. Thank you.

[C]

Those need a wider mouth.

[B]

You get.

[C]

You can't get any gloves.

[A]

I need 15 of those goddamn things.

[B]

That's another thing with non American. It's like, who is this for a baby?

[A]

Who you fucking Bret Bear all of a sudden?

[B]

The paint guy, Bear paints. You don't. Oh, you're telling me you don't Like American serving sizes? Is that what you're telling me?

[A]

No, I do okay. And I'll tell you what, on that note, Popeyes, that's not a large. Their large soda is whack. It's not a large. It's not a fucking McDonald's large. It's not a fucking Burger King large.

[B]

It's bullshit, okay?

[A]

Otherwise, I have no complaints.

[B]

Otherwise, no complaints. All right, let's see here. This is from CN soul sister. $10 soul.

[A]

Hey, Dang.

[B]

Hey, Soul Sister.

[A]

Hello, beautiful.

[B]

Weird to call her beautiful.

[C]

You've been saying that too much.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

About everybody.

[C]

Yeah. Just any woman.

[B]

Mostly broads.

[A]

I said a little beautiful.

[C]

You're just saying beautiful to, like, any woman.

[A]

You're describing that she's beautiful. Yeah. Trying to be nice.

[B]

Turn over to leave when Louis, she got an ace. It won't quit.

[A]

You know, it'd be cool if we brought back the kissing of the hand.

[B]

Oh, would that be cool? Man, we've lost you. You've gone full old man creepo. Have you start wearing sweatpants?

[A]

Kevin said he was the most. You were the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. I wasn't expecting you to be the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. Enchante, Rose Blossom. Beautiful. No.

[B]

Now, why don't you turn around so I can get a good look at you? Man, you are going to be an old creepy.

[A]

No, don't say that. No, I'm not.

[B]

First, you just said all shantay to a woman, and I was joking. That's.

[A]

Damn. Who's that?

[B]

Holy. Look at the stems on blondie, huh? You're gonna be a real creepo Depot.

[A]

She keep you busy, huh? Uncle Hank? Shut up.

[B]

You got mirrors in your pants. Because they see me in them. Hey, man,

[A]

get out of here with that, huh?

[B]

Do you believe in Area 51? Because your ass is out of this world.

[A]

What? What? I gotta get you out of the mall.

[B]

I've read all these dispensers. Gifts. I got a T shirt.

[A]

She hears salesman sitting at a Brookstone. So you're hanging out with.

[B]

You think my mall's gonna. You think the Oxford Mall's got a Brookstone?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Got two Annie Anns.

[A]

Next thing you know, you're gonna be playing inter. Intermural, intramural basketball.

[B]

I was thinking about me and the guys getting together.

[A]

No.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Cuz.

[B]

Cuz, why? What do you do? You're wearing your dead dad's clothes. You're breaking my stones for. For having a life and going to kids Eat free hibachi on Tuesdays.

[A]

I might start playing again.

[B]

Playing what?

[A]

Music.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Band hit me up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Said they want to jam.

[B]

Uh huh.

[A]

If I pay for the studio.

[B]

Sure. Yeah. You're just a fat cash cow, huh?

[A]

I'm not playing intramural basketball with some.

[B]

You're playing intramural rock band. What are you talking about? Might as well get you a Guitar Hero. You got a better. You got a better chance of making it big.

[A]

I hated guitar.

[B]

I loved it.

[A]

I missed it and I sucked at it. I missed the wave and I sucked at it. I hated that.

[B]

Yeah, I do.

[A]

That ain't real music. Ain't my rock and roll. Aerosmith.

[B]

Get the out of here. The thing they did to get around like the. Not get whatever. They didn't use Aerosmith's fucking take. It was as they did. No, it would say like who? All the. They would get a version of the rights, but not to the song. So it would say as made famous by the Eagles.

[A]

Huh? But the Eagles on there.

[B]

No, but played by whoever. You know. I don't know what they have.

[A]

Hotel California.

[B]

I don't know. I'm just. Just stop pinning me down. It was. It was two decades ago.

[C]

They did do a little dark for a video game.

[A]

Huh?

[C]

They did a Guitar Hero, Aerosmith version, sure.

[B]

But all of the songs early on it said made as. Made famous by. They just had like studio musicians. You know what I mean?

[A]

Damn.

[B]

Did. I remember one time we were down the shore and it hit big for me.

[A]

Guys high school into that.

[B]

Guys high school into college. We would just sit around like you're just drinking in someone's basement and playing.

[A]

Guys my age were playing that. They got the drums.

[B]

We had. Somebody had the drums.

[A]

Married guys.

[B]

No, no, we were.

[A]

We were not.

[B]

You 19? Yeah.

[A]

I'm saying the drums. The drums in your living room. Who's your wife? Drum kit out.

[B]

So I did. I remember it hit. It hit when? Like our. When. I don't know if it was a Call of Duty or what. Like video games were huge. And then this dropped and you're like, what the. And we'19 with nothing to do. So we got pretty good at it. You know what I mean? Like just sitting around like high in a basement. Pat's basement. And play the Wii too, a little bit. We do. We ball. It was just like drinking. It was just something to do while you're drinking in someone's house whose parents were not home. It was fun for like a minute and then you like figure it out. Or whatever, but fucking bulldozed by PlayStation. We. I don't know. That was huge for a minute.

[C]

Was huge.

[A]

Was it?

[C]

They sold, like, more consoles than anything

[B]

that brought Nintendo back.

[A]

I was fucking yacked up in an apartment. What the fuck do I know?

[B]

He was great. Just trying to sell the controllers. But, dude, I remember I was checked

[A]

out at the time.

[B]

I was. I was. We were down the shore and somebody was playing. They had it. And I was like, oh, I'll play. It was like the rock band and someone's playing guitar. And I got behind the kit.

[A]

Did you.

[B]

Started changing the cymbals around and got it to mike.

[A]

There was no symbols.

[B]

Kidding, dude. What the fuck?

[C]

They did have cymbals.

[B]

Yeah, there was real. Too farted for sure. That's crazy, dude. Smells like a bunny rabbit's cage. That stinks, dude.

[A]

I've been eating wood chips.

[B]

Oh, God, you're hard. You're gay with the shirt

[A]

shark. I'm still waiting on that goddamn seltzer.

[B]

That'll save it.

[A]

Was it only the drums and the

[B]

guitar and the singing?

[C]

Oh, because they had Rock Band, which was the whole.

[B]

Rock Band. Was the. Was the whole kit to Guitar Hero.

[C]

Guitar Hero just had. They were two separate games. Guitar Hero just had the guitar.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rock Band had it. But I sat down. My brother was there and.

[A]

Thank you, Captain loser.

[C]

I was 12 when it came out.

[B]

Yeah, he's still holding grudges.

[A]

I was getting blow and layaway. Getting jerk off, the singing.

[B]

But I sat down. I started, like, playing pretty good. My bro Danny was there, and we were like. Everybody was, like 10 beers deep. And he was. Did not like. He was like, dude, you lose. Just trashing me. Trashing me.

[A]

Ass cracking.

[B]

Yeah. I'm wheezing and hitting my inhaler. All right, guys, guys. Oh, here comes the solo and I'm all. I'm locked in. Twirl on the. Stick around. Whatever.

[A]

I've said it once and I've said it before, it was that. And listen, if you're Luke Sage. His age, I get it. But dudes my age were fucking getting into it. They were doing that. They were reading Harry Potter and they fucking would show up to a party with fucking poker chips. Poker chips? Yeah. Silver case.

[B]

Can I bet you what they're not doing now wearing their dead dad's clothes? I guarantee you anybody that was doing that is not rocking their dead dad's clothes. Who died three years ago?

[A]

I think they all have kids in college and stuff.

[B]

Yeah, they're probably counting their 401ks not as not asking for a bridge loan. Yeah, yeah, you got me.

[A]

So just shoot myself. I still didn't like it at the time.

[B]

I get it, I get it. It's cool, huh?

[C]

Cultural phenomenon.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You didn't like. You did not like. This is your kid.

[A]

I didn't know how to play Texas.

[B]

You didn't like col phenomenons.

[A]

You just.

[B]

And you still don't.

[A]

I like Thriller, I like Bruno Mars. He's a cultural.

[B]

He's a music. No, you didn't like stuff you. And you don't. And it's fine. I'm not saying you have to, but that was. That's a great.

[A]

Like American Idol.

[B]

You don't like stuff that people like. Especially if you don't hear about it first. American Idol, rock band poker chips, Harry Potter. Harry Potter.

[A]

It's just a lot of reading.

[B]

Uh huh.

[A]

I mean God loved those kids. They read all those books, but people my age reading them.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. I mean you're sitting here debating the proper way to open a cereal box, so don't act like you're fucking standing on airs, okay? I know what I. You think you're not.

[A]

You.

[B]

You think you're better than that. And it's. You would love all of that stuff if you got it.

[A]

My mom wouldn't let me call the number.

[B]

What number?

[A]

American.

[B]

Oh no, we weren't allowed to do that.

[C]

We called it.

[B]

Of course you did. You rich.

[A]

Probably got a point on our records.

[C]

Shout out Jordan Sparks.

[A]

Jordan.

[B]

That was like. We were a Justin Guarini fan because he was from upper Bucks County.

[A]

Oh God. When somebody popped from the local area.

[B]

Dad to that. When. When Tom's river was in the Little League World Series. You couldn't tell me until we were on the team.

[A]

There was also an actress that was in 30 something that was. That grew up in my. Oh no. Maria Bello. You know Maria Bello, the actress? Was she in a bunch of stuff? Very, very talented actor.

[C]

Grown ups. Grown Ups 2.

[B]

Yeah. She plays Kevin James's wife.

[A]

Yes. Yeah, she's from around there. Down.

[B]

Down by us Norristown, Pennsylvania.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

1967. She's your age too.

[A]

Funny. She's 10 years older than me. Beautiful.

[B]

Yeah. Abroad.

[A]

You talk about me?

[B]

What? Mall walker creep trolling for chicks.

[A]

That's what you do. I got the sunglasses with the mirrors on the side.

[B]

I got my. I got meta glasses on. Hey ladies.

[A]

Those things stink.

[B]

We had a kid, he was in the Sixth Sense and 1600. Which one he was? Tony Donnelly was his Name? He was a kid who said, you want to see my dad's gun?

[A]

You told me this.

[B]

Yeah. And he was somebody in 1600. Was that with Denzel Washington? I never seen. Yeah.

[A]

1300. 300, the Spartan movie with Denzel Washington.

[B]

1600 fallen.

[C]

Right.

[A]

1600.

[B]

Maybe Denzel Washington. Is it about.

[C]

Yeah, the horror movie.

[B]

Are you looking at Tony Donnelly's IMDb?

[A]

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue?

[B]

Yeah. Was it about the. Was it about the White House? Fallen.

[A]

Fallen. No, Fallen was like. It was with John Lithgow. He was able to get into people's bodies, wasn't it?

[B]

It sounds freaky or maybe that's.

[A]

No, you're.

[C]

No.

[B]

I thought I had. It had me. And I thought it had to do with The White House.

[A]

1600.

[B]

I know.

[A]

John Cusack was in it, I think.

[B]

Giant cusack. You like saying Cusack, don't you?

[A]

Yeah. I used to love anything. Do you have an answer?

[C]

There was just a secret like demon behind these murders and Denzel's trying to solve it. Not about the White House.

[A]

1600.

[B]

No.

[C]

I don't know.

[B]

No. 1600 is about the White House. He's on Fallen.

[A]

Was John Lithgow in it?

[B]

We gotta get back to the question.

[C]

Alan Alda.

[B]

Alan Alda.

[C]

Alan Alda.

[A]

Alan Alda wasn't in that. You know what the hell you're talking about?

[C]

Murder at 1600?

[A]

No, different movie.

[B]

Sweet. Okay, this is from CN sole sister. Is it garbage if I use my grocery store's delivery app, but to cheat the $35 minimum, I add something expensive like crab legs that I know they're never gonna be in stock, so I just get a refund for the difference and still get the rest delivered.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Beating the system.

[A]

That's a soul sister right there.

[B]

That's be. That's a beautiful soul sister right there. That's beating the fucking system. That's a victimless crime.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Wow. Right? Cuz the corporation just takes. Uh huh.

[A]

Unless you get some fucking hotshot shopper that tries to fucking get you something different and they come home with fucking, you know, frozen spider crab legs or horseshoe crab,

[B]

bunch of hermit crabs.

[A]

That's smart.

[B]

See that's. That's great. That's great. You're working the system.

[A]

I love it.

[B]

This one's from Spitfire542. Shout out to you. My old school AOL screen name $10. Homie had a few red. I can't explain it, but why does putting a T shirt on while sitting down feel like absolute garbage? Yeah, I don't know if I'VE ever done that. I don't have a sitting down T

[A]

shirt body get out of a hospital bed.

[B]

Yeah, I don't. I don't know if I've ever done that. Maybe in the car or something.

[A]

On the car. It's cool. If you drive with no shirt on, you gotta throw a shirt on.

[B]

You drive without a shirt on?

[A]

I used to, back in the day. When I was in high school.

[B]

Not now?

[A]

No.

[B]

I get arrested, get pulled over for flashing.

[A]

I say maybe I have driven with my shirt off in Hawaii a couple of times. You know, a little sunburnt at the air on stop at Jack in the Box, get some of them Takus feel good. I can never pull it off your T shirt.

[C]

No shirt, no shoes, big problem.

[A]

That's not true. And that no shirt, that new shoes thing is I used to love walking around without my shoes on.

[B]

It's not a. What do you mean? It's not a law.

[A]

Yeah, it is.

[B]

No, it's not.

[A]

You can't go to a 711 with no shoes.

[B]

Yeah, that's not the law. And by the way, I don't know, check the one by Port Authority. I'm pretty sure that's the least of their problems. Buddy, this guy doesn't have a face. He's walking around. Okay.

[A]

This guy's actively bleeding.

[B]

Yeah, that was more of

[A]

a.

[B]

That's like. They just don't want hooligans running in there. Well, I think homeless people insurance thing.

[A]

You step on a piece of glass or something like that, you got them.

[B]

No, I think it's more of like a profiling thing. If you don't have shoes, they don't want you in there because you probably don't have money to buy a sandwich if you don't have a shirt. Same thing.

[C]

True.

[B]

That's how we got our first beer. We sent our boy Vinnie with the skinny into Somerton beverage in the summer with no shirt on because he was Italian.

[A]

Chest hair.

[B]

Chest hair like hamburgers galore.

[A]

I couldn't take his eye off his tits.

[B]

Pepperonis. Yeah. Pro move. So listen, underage kids out there, send your Italian friend in.

[A]

Luke's got a lot of chest hair.

[B]

Luke does. It's weird.

[A]

So weird.

[B]

How hard is it to get beers now? Probably not hard with the technology. These kids have like IDs and stuff.

[C]

The scanners are better. So it's like you kind of like you have to bank on these places not having updated their scanners a lot of times. But.

[B]

But I'm saying to get one man I mean, kids got to be fucking 3D printing these in their rooms.

[C]

They are go to black market.

[A]

You are dark web crazy today. Lost me on garage. Whatever it is,

[B]

young kid, we should make you play.

[A]

What? See how I'm not good at it?

[B]

See how much of a musician. It doesn't matter. If you're a good musician, it translates.

[A]

No, I'm not. I can't do it. I get. I get.

[B]

Oh, we can try.

[A]

I don't have any rhythm to like hit the little. The little ding, ding.

[B]

That's rhythm though. You claim to be a musician.

[A]

I don't. I. I've always said I don't have good rhythm.

[B]

Okay, Don't. Don't act like you talk about it that much. In every interview. I've always said I don't have good rhythm. Okay.

[A]

I can't really play the guitar like that. That I write a song. That's about it.

[B]

Not a good one. You're a torture genius, you know that? Really? I have this. I have these. I have these songs in me, but rhythmically I can't get them out.

[A]

Torture genius. Talk to my underwear.

[C]

You'd be yelling at us to keep up with you or something. As soon as that game came on.

[A]

I'm telling you, I stink. I suck at that. Why? I don't like it.

[B]

Ryan. Ryan. Buy a rock band.

[A]

No, we don't get money for that.

[B]

Yeah, we do.

[A]

Tax season. You're fucking wandering on a goddamn mall looking for deals. Going to kiosk business. This guy.

[B]

That'll save us. Jesus Christ. All right, let's see here. This one's from Mr. French, $10 campaign manager for the Ryan Foley 2028. Never have one red.

[A]

I don't hate it.

[B]

Was it garbage? If you've never ran an annual mile in high school school, I would hide behind the snack shack and smoke cigs, only to fall in line on the average kid's final lap. My man. That's good for you.

[A]

I like it.

[B]

That's not bad.

[A]

I know you dreaded the President's whatever That was every year.

[B]

The annual whatever. Yeah, I mean, it was the mile that was really the biggest challenge.

[A]

What about climbing that rope? I know you're fat ass.

[B]

We didn't have to do the rope to like. I don't know if they changed it or whatever, but it was like after sixth grade, that rope never really came out.

[A]

How dangerous was that?

[B]

That's what I. We were at that age where they were like, what the fuck? You know what I mean? Like, lawsuits started happening 100 foot ceiling.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, that was in elementary school. We had it, but I don't think we had it in.

[A]

John Stoles was the only kid that could do it.

[B]

He would.

[A]

He was like a spider monkey. Go straight up.

[B]

Yeah. We had Ryan Wiggins. Yeah.

[A]

One kid could do it.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

That was it. And he'd be up there like, what the fuck?

[B]

Yeah. He falls, he's dead. Well, I had the shaking, the rope. I had the upper body strength of like an 8 year old, but the torso of a plumber. So it was. It was tough to get myself up there. You know what I mean?

[A]

So a double negative. You had a bad upper body strength and a fat body.

[B]

Uh huh. Okay. There you go. You put that together. For a guy who doesn't know rhythm, you sure picked up on that.

[A]

Gotta make sure I have my story straight. Babe, that caught the inside of your thighs and booned.

[B]

I'd make up a fake rotator.

[A]

I said, tommy John surgery.

[B]

I'm seven. Ah. Nah, I can't. I got the wrong shoes on. I wore my boots today.

[A]

I fucked up my elbow throwing curveballs.

[B]

I would, but I got my keys on me. I don't want to puncture my scrotum.

[A]

I got one. I got one of them switchblade combs in my pocket. Cut my nuts off, Teach.

[B]

I'm gonna pop out back for a heater. I'll see you in a bit.

[A]

Put me down for a C. Huh? That. Did you guys ever get into the. The whatever those things are?

[B]

What's that? Wait, wait. Do that again.

[A]

The things on a stick that had like ribbons on the end. I'm talking about.

[B]

Am I in the color guard? Shut up.

[A]

No, we did that for a little while.

[B]

We're in ballet class. No.

[A]

Gym. No. I don't know what it was. It was a stick that had like a little.

[B]

Did they do in the Olympics. And they do that in the Olympics. It's an Olympic sport. Not the straight one. You're in there with your fucking. You're in there in your little singlet. Your little fucking pecker hanging out.

[A]

Put that thing down, Dad.

[B]

I like it. Yeah. Instead of pom pom.

[A]

I love pom poms. Fascinating.

[B]

I don't know why.

[A]

His kid with the seltzer, he's got

[B]

headphones and he's editing. He's putting a laugh track in. He's got one. Shark. There. There he is. I got you, buddy.

[A]

Thanks, buddy. Shark. Say hi to the folks.

[C]

What's going on?

[A]

Everyone beat it. Shark, I was kidding, but thank you.

[B]

No, you weren't.

[A]

I was.

[B]

This one's from jammed up Jake. $10, homie. Haven't had one read. Is it garbage to grab hot food at a gas station from like a hot bar? Get to the register, then say you forgot your wallet. Since you. They legally cannot put it back. The first time I genuinely forgot my wallet and they let me take it anyway. The second time I was little jammed up and figured I would see if lightning strikes twice.

[A]

I don't know if that's gonna work.

[B]

I don't think that's happening in New York City. I think they're going. And if they. If the. At our deli. The deli knows you to let it slide. I don't think if you're just a random guy in there. They're going, they're taking it, they're throwing it out. Yeah. Or somebody. One of the fight. They'll probably give it to someone on the staff, like, hey, you want this?

[A]

Yeah. But I respect the hustle for sure.

[B]

Completely.

[A]

You know, I gotta be honest with you. This isn't a general thing, but every once in a while you find a hot bar at a gas station where it's like killer. Like Bourdain will be there.

[B]

Lose me with that shit. I like. I mean, I like the bad. I like bad convenience store food. I'm big on the taquitos. I'm. I think I've had wings. I like the pizza from 7:11. The wings at 7:11, if they've been sitting there long enough, are fucking killer.

[A]

Really killer. Never had them. Ah.

[B]

I remember one night I had a couple of beers. We posted up on the hood of this car out front. The one right next to the Red Crispy. Yeah, dude, we were ordering by the dozen. Go get a dozen more.

[A]

Because, you know, my move is now. Dry wings, sauce on the side.

[B]

Big dry wing guy.

[A]

Dry wings.

[B]

I don't even do sauce on this. I don't even need it.

[A]

Whit Payne Tavern. Delicious wings. Shout out to it. Delicious wings. Good food. Good for them.

[B]

All right, let's see here. This one's good. This is from no ketchup. $10. Gen Z representative. Never had one. Read. Is it garbage when you're riding through the country and see an expensive house and your dad says they got a million dollars in fence alone? That's a big thing that I just saw the other day. My family, everyone in my family has done it. We did it when we were down at the house in Tampa. Me and Colin did it. I'm out Back. And I'm going, they probably got $100,000

[A]

in trees pricing it up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Fences are expensive.

[B]

Fences are expensive.

[A]

Expensive. They bang you though the out. Yeah, bang.

[B]

Yeah, I know. I feel like you guys don't have a fence. Don't. Don't. You're. You know what the trashiest fence is? When your neighbors. All of your neighbors have a fence. So you don't really have a fence.

[A]

No, we have a fucking fence around the backyard.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

She just had it done.

[B]

You sound like a guy who doesn't have a fence around the backyard.

[A]

She just had it done a couple years ago. Or no, during the pandemic. Pandemic.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I got a fence. Nice white fence.

[C]

Good.

[B]

I got a. I gotta get a new gate on my fence. I got a bad gate.

[A]

Got a lot to do down there. Hook that place up for the spring and summer. You embarrassed me.

[B]

You really say it with an attitude, you know that?

[A]

You need the bed.

[B]

You could hook some shit up, too.

[A]

I'll come down and do it.

[B]

No, in your life, you could hook some shit up.

[A]

I'm working on that.

[B]

I'm working on my shit. You're also the king of like. I'm like, I need to do this. And then you yell at me that I need to do it. Get the beds done, Get a new shirt. Get a shirt that a guy didn't die in. Can you do that? I had. I had the beds done last year.

[A]

Emotion.

[B]

You haven't been that.

[A]

You haven't.

[B]

You haven't been there in how you don't invite me. You've been invited. You don't show up.

[A]

That's not true.

[B]

That is very true.

[A]

Last time I was there is when I met your mother in law.

[B]

Do I have to come in? First of all, it was a year ago.

[A]

That was a year ago.

[B]

It wasn't a week ago. Holy.

[A]

That was a year ago.

[B]

Nine, ten months ago. Yeah. It's been a long time. All right, we got to wrap it up, gang.

[A]

I'm going to tell you this. I speak for myself, not Kevin.

[B]

Never liked the guy. I don't know why he keeps showing up here.

[A]

Grab some tickets for the live show, come see us. We got that Netflix's joke festival out there in Los Angeles, California, you know, support I can get out there. Chicago, Bloomington, Indiana. Comedy attic.

[B]

We're hitting yes.

[A]

Love it.

[B]

I mean, limited tickets to the second show. Doing two shows Friday, in and out. Bang, bang.

[A]

Nashville, sold out.

[B]

Nashville, sold out. Shows are selling out. Doing a comedy fest. Zany's Zannies love it. We love you.

[A]

We'll see you next week.

[B]

Peace.