Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast

Episode: "Massage in Jeans! w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley"
Date: February 12, 2026
Hosts: Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Episode Overview

This "family episode" of Are You Garbage?—with just the hosts, Kevin and Foley, riffing—dives deep into the everyday trashy behavior that makes up their lives. From disastrous home repairs and dirtbag money management to blue-collar fundraisers and getting massages in jeans, the two comedians offer a hilarious, self-deprecating look at middle-class American "garbage" living, all through their irreverent Philly lens.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Home Ownership Woes & Fixer-Upper Fails

• Kevin’s Ongoing House Struggles:
  • Kevin details the money pits and repairs plaguing his suburban home, openly admitting to using loans ("TD Fit Loan") just to fix persistent mold and structural issues. He jokes about being terrible with money and learning the hard way about saving for taxes.
    • Quote: "I got a loan for a couple of things. Shout out to the TD Fit Loan. Paying that baby." (08:04)
  • Foley mocks Kevin’s “trash bag sealed fireplace,” to which Kevin responds: “That is a couple of husky contractor black trash bags. The best on the market.” (22:39)
  • They riff about inept home repairmen and the likelihood that handymen in the burbs are just "making up their own rules." (14:27)
• Leaving Unfinished Home Projects:
  • Kevin talks about normalizing trashy, temporary fixes that become permanent: “It sucks because it comes normalized. When I did that, my intention was we're gonna have this solved in two weeks.” (26:31)
  • They suggest hiding notes for future homeowners as a prank before sealing up a fireplace—“Creepy, cryptic, whatever!” (26:05)

2. Money Management, Taxes, and 'Garbage' Finances

• Tax Time Disasters & Learning To Adult:
  • Both hosts reveal they were once deeply unprepared for tax season, paying taxes with change and literally draining savings at the end of the year.
    • Quote: “I've crashed out one time at a cash in change again. I was like, I need to get better with money.” (08:50)
    • Quote: “That was the most—...we had to give every—I had to empty out all of my—“ (10:58)
• Admiring/Shaming Old Family Investments:
  • They reminisce about the “big investment” moves in their families, like Kevin’s dad losing money on a risky pharma stock tip, joking about “getting in too late or on the wrong horse.” (54:30–56:04)
• Dirtbag Fundraisers & The Philly Pretzel Hustle:
  • They fondly recall Philly’s underground pretzel economy—buying 100 for $10, selling 3 for $1 at fundraisers, and working the “skim” to keep everyone happy.
  • Foley: “You take care of everybody, grease everybody...then you get the money to whoever it’s going to at 30% less.” (47:11)

3. Half-Baked Business and Charity Ideas

• Local 50-50 “Charity” Lottery Fiasco:
  • The boys brainstorm running a raffles or “localized lottery” for their listeners—clearly illegal but highly tempting. Foley: “This sounds highly illegal and I’m into it.” (48:10)
  • Luke delivers the legal research: “A national 50/50 raffle is technically challenging due to varying state laws. Some states prohibit raffles entirely or restrict online.” (48:34)
• “Susu” and Rotating Savings Pools:
  • They discuss communal financial systems—common in Hispanic and Filipino families—where everyone throws into a pot, and each cycle one person gets the take.
    • Foley: “You never gave it to me that way.”
    • Kevin: “It’d be your week every week.” (54:00)
• Hypothetical “Shark Tank” for Listeners’ Trashy Product Inventions:
  • Listeners are encouraged (jokingly) to send product ideas to AYG for investment, with a $1,000 submission fee. “Mail $1. Submit it to AYG liveshowmail.com...” (58:16–58:32)

4. Trashy Life Skills & ‘Are You Garbage’ Scenarios

• Garbage Home Habits:
  • Using a sauce pot as a frying pan (38:00), leaving jackets at work, and hiding excess clothing in shared spaces, leading to the line: “What are you, a therapist at a community college?” (05:12)
• Trial by Breath-Holding (31:24):
  • Kevin and Foley challenge each other to hold their breath live—barely making it past 20 seconds—mocking their own poor health, asthma, and trashy pool habits.
    • Foley: “You get scared probably.” (32:22)
• Garbage Massages (the episode title):
  • Listener submission about getting a massage in blue jeans because of a language barrier at the spa, leaving the massager struggling to stretch his legs:
    • Kevin: “That’s crazy. I made sure to tip heavy big man style to make sure for the strangeness.” (65:59)
• Butter on Everything:
  • A deep discussion about “trashy” foods to put butter on—cornbread, banana bread, babka, and more.
    • Quote: “Things I like to Butter that aren’t supposed to be buttered. By H. Foley. Forward by Kevin Ryan.” (40:25)
• Soft Pretzel Market Economics:
  • Learning with disbelief that Wetzel’s Pretzels owns 35% of the U.S. soft pretzel market. (44:25)
  • Foley’s disbelief: “That's gotta be a trillion dollar industry.” (44:28)

5. Celebrity Business Moves

• Shaq’s Gummy Empire:
  • The hosts riff on Shaquille O’Neal’s branded gummy candy, judging him for the strange choice of using his head for the candy's mold. “You're buying Shaq candy? That's crazy.” (59:37)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Kevin, on money mismanagement:

  • "I've crashed out one time at a cash in change again. I was like, I need to get better with money." (08:50)

• Foley, on construction dads:

  • "My stepdad was in construction, so was my dad. So all of that stuff was always at the house. I'm now having to buy stuff that a real man would have." (27:28)

• Kevin, on dirtbag home fixes:

  • "That is a couple of husky contractor black trash bags. The best on the market." (22:39)

• On holding breath contests:

  • Foley: "I think I'll give you... yeah, 20, let's say now." (31:47)
  • Kevin: "I'm asthmatic... I might be 14 seconds." (32:18)

• Listener submission, Massage in Jeans:

  • “I was in Chicago with my wife for New Year’s and she booked us a nice massage. The lady had to have a translator... She said, take your shirt off... so I got a massage in blue jeans.” (65:09)

Noteworthy Segments - With Timestamps

• Running the Dirtbag Household – Stinky Shirts & Deodorant "Fixes:" (03:59 – 06:33)
• Financial Disaster Stories: Failing at Taxes & Loans: (07:38 – 11:50)
• Fireplace Fails—A Symptom of Dirtbag Living: (21:12 – 24:25)
• Butter: What Is Acceptable & What Is Garbage? (40:25 – 43:43)
• Wetzel’s Pretzels Shock: Size of the Pretzel Market: (44:25 – 45:28)
• “Charity” Scams and Trashy Fundraisers: (47:11 – 49:00)
• Family Lotteries, “Susu,” and Who Can Be Trusted: (52:52 – 54:28)
• Shark Tank for Dirtbags—Joking About Listener Inventions: (58:00 – 58:32)
• Shaq’s Gummy Candies – Shark Moves: (59:24 – 60:35)
• Garbage Massage in Jeans – The Listener Submission That Inspired the Title: (65:03 – 66:18)

Tone & Vibe

Warm, self-deprecating, irreverent, and full of classic Philly banter. These “bozos” never miss a chance to make fun of themselves or each other—and encourage listeners to embrace their own "garbage" in life, finances, and household solutions.

TL;DR

With plenty of stories about busted fireplaces, missing tax payments, sauce pots doubling as frying pans, and disastrous massages taken fully clothed, this episode is a hysterical celebration of lovable American "garbage."
No one gets off the hook—not their wives, families, repair guys, or the hosts themselves. The best moments come from the intimacy and authenticity of two old friends roasting each other's most embarrassing, dirtbag moments.

If you need reassurance that you’re not alone in your daily trashy choices—or just want some deep laughs at others’ expense—this is your episode.

Remember:
Life’s too short not to butter your babka and always seal up that old fireplace with a couple of contractor trash bags, just in case. And whatever you do, don’t get a massage in jeans.