Massage in Jeans! w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Summary

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Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast

Episode: "Massage in Jeans! w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley"
Date: February 12, 2026
Hosts: Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

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Episode Overview

This "family episode" of Are You Garbage?—with just the hosts, Kevin and Foley, riffing—dives deep into the everyday trashy behavior that makes up their lives. From disastrous home repairs and dirtbag money management to blue-collar fundraisers and getting massages in jeans, the two comedians offer a hilarious, self-deprecating look at middle-class American "garbage" living, all through their irreverent Philly lens.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Home Ownership Woes & Fixer-Upper Fails

• Kevin’s Ongoing House Struggles:
  • Kevin details the money pits and repairs plaguing his suburban home, openly admitting to using loans ("TD Fit Loan") just to fix persistent mold and structural issues. He jokes about being terrible with money and learning the hard way about saving for taxes.
    • Quote: "I got a loan for a couple of things. Shout out to the TD Fit Loan. Paying that baby." (08:04)
  • Foley mocks Kevin’s “trash bag sealed fireplace,” to which Kevin responds: “That is a couple of husky contractor black trash bags. The best on the market.” (22:39)
  • They riff about inept home repairmen and the likelihood that handymen in the burbs are just "making up their own rules." (14:27)
• Leaving Unfinished Home Projects:
  • Kevin talks about normalizing trashy, temporary fixes that become permanent: “It sucks because it comes normalized. When I did that, my intention was we're gonna have this solved in two weeks.” (26:31)
  • They suggest hiding notes for future homeowners as a prank before sealing up a fireplace—“Creepy, cryptic, whatever!” (26:05)

2. Money Management, Taxes, and 'Garbage' Finances

• Tax Time Disasters & Learning To Adult:
  • Both hosts reveal they were once deeply unprepared for tax season, paying taxes with change and literally draining savings at the end of the year.
    • Quote: “I've crashed out one time at a cash in change again. I was like, I need to get better with money.” (08:50)
    • Quote: “That was the most—...we had to give every—I had to empty out all of my—“ (10:58)
• Admiring/Shaming Old Family Investments:
  • They reminisce about the “big investment” moves in their families, like Kevin’s dad losing money on a risky pharma stock tip, joking about “getting in too late or on the wrong horse.” (54:30–56:04)
• Dirtbag Fundraisers & The Philly Pretzel Hustle:
  • They fondly recall Philly’s underground pretzel economy—buying 100 for $10, selling 3 for $1 at fundraisers, and working the “skim” to keep everyone happy.
  • Foley: “You take care of everybody, grease everybody...then you get the money to whoever it’s going to at 30% less.” (47:11)

3. Half-Baked Business and Charity Ideas

• Local 50-50 “Charity” Lottery Fiasco:
  • The boys brainstorm running a raffles or “localized lottery” for their listeners—clearly illegal but highly tempting. Foley: “This sounds highly illegal and I’m into it.” (48:10)
  • Luke delivers the legal research: “A national 50/50 raffle is technically challenging due to varying state laws. Some states prohibit raffles entirely or restrict online.” (48:34)
• “Susu” and Rotating Savings Pools:
  • They discuss communal financial systems—common in Hispanic and Filipino families—where everyone throws into a pot, and each cycle one person gets the take.
    • Foley: “You never gave it to me that way.”
    • Kevin: “It’d be your week every week.” (54:00)
• Hypothetical “Shark Tank” for Listeners’ Trashy Product Inventions:
  • Listeners are encouraged (jokingly) to send product ideas to AYG for investment, with a $1,000 submission fee. “Mail $1. Submit it to AYG liveshowmail.com...” (58:16–58:32)

4. Trashy Life Skills & ‘Are You Garbage’ Scenarios

• Garbage Home Habits:
  • Using a sauce pot as a frying pan (38:00), leaving jackets at work, and hiding excess clothing in shared spaces, leading to the line: “What are you, a therapist at a community college?” (05:12)
• Trial by Breath-Holding (31:24):
  • Kevin and Foley challenge each other to hold their breath live—barely making it past 20 seconds—mocking their own poor health, asthma, and trashy pool habits.
    • Foley: “You get scared probably.” (32:22)
• Garbage Massages (the episode title):
  • Listener submission about getting a massage in blue jeans because of a language barrier at the spa, leaving the massager struggling to stretch his legs:
    • Kevin: “That’s crazy. I made sure to tip heavy big man style to make sure for the strangeness.” (65:59)
• Butter on Everything:
  • A deep discussion about “trashy” foods to put butter on—cornbread, banana bread, babka, and more.
    • Quote: “Things I like to Butter that aren’t supposed to be buttered. By H. Foley. Forward by Kevin Ryan.” (40:25)
• Soft Pretzel Market Economics:
  • Learning with disbelief that Wetzel’s Pretzels owns 35% of the U.S. soft pretzel market. (44:25)
  • Foley’s disbelief: “That's gotta be a trillion dollar industry.” (44:28)

5. Celebrity Business Moves

• Shaq’s Gummy Empire:
  • The hosts riff on Shaquille O’Neal’s branded gummy candy, judging him for the strange choice of using his head for the candy's mold. “You're buying Shaq candy? That's crazy.” (59:37)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Kevin, on money mismanagement:

  • "I've crashed out one time at a cash in change again. I was like, I need to get better with money." (08:50)

• Foley, on construction dads:

  • "My stepdad was in construction, so was my dad. So all of that stuff was always at the house. I'm now having to buy stuff that a real man would have." (27:28)

• Kevin, on dirtbag home fixes:

  • "That is a couple of husky contractor black trash bags. The best on the market." (22:39)

• On holding breath contests:

  • Foley: "I think I'll give you... yeah, 20, let's say now." (31:47)
  • Kevin: "I'm asthmatic... I might be 14 seconds." (32:18)

• Listener submission, Massage in Jeans:

  • “I was in Chicago with my wife for New Year’s and she booked us a nice massage. The lady had to have a translator... She said, take your shirt off... so I got a massage in blue jeans.” (65:09)

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Noteworthy Segments - With Timestamps

• Running the Dirtbag Household – Stinky Shirts & Deodorant "Fixes:" (03:59 – 06:33)
• Financial Disaster Stories: Failing at Taxes & Loans: (07:38 – 11:50)
• Fireplace Fails—A Symptom of Dirtbag Living: (21:12 – 24:25)
• Butter: What Is Acceptable & What Is Garbage? (40:25 – 43:43)
• Wetzel’s Pretzels Shock: Size of the Pretzel Market: (44:25 – 45:28)
• “Charity” Scams and Trashy Fundraisers: (47:11 – 49:00)
• Family Lotteries, “Susu,” and Who Can Be Trusted: (52:52 – 54:28)
• Shark Tank for Dirtbags—Joking About Listener Inventions: (58:00 – 58:32)
• Shaq’s Gummy Candies – Shark Moves: (59:24 – 60:35)
• Garbage Massage in Jeans – The Listener Submission That Inspired the Title: (65:03 – 66:18)

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Tone & Vibe

Warm, self-deprecating, irreverent, and full of classic Philly banter. These “bozos” never miss a chance to make fun of themselves or each other—and encourage listeners to embrace their own "garbage" in life, finances, and household solutions.

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TL;DR

With plenty of stories about busted fireplaces, missing tax payments, sauce pots doubling as frying pans, and disastrous massages taken fully clothed, this episode is a hysterical celebration of lovable American "garbage."
No one gets off the hook—not their wives, families, repair guys, or the hosts themselves. The best moments come from the intimacy and authenticity of two old friends roasting each other's most embarrassing, dirtbag moments.

If you need reassurance that you’re not alone in your daily trashy choices—or just want some deep laughs at others’ expense—this is your episode.

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Remember:
Life’s too short not to butter your babka and always seal up that old fireplace with a couple of contractor trash bags, just in case. And whatever you do, don’t get a massage in jeans.

Transcript

[Tay Trolley]

Hey, everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are you garbage?

[Kevin James Ryan]

You ain't lying.

[Tay Trolley]

It's a little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that after. You have to be classy. Just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, Tay Trolley. Coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Toady's in a new edition. She just got picked up at a cvs.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Okay.

[Tay Trolley]

Stealing deodorant.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Hey.

[Tay Trolley]

Which I imagine would have been available for resale and we would have got a friends and family discount. That's not going to happen now because it's all in evidence.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Got pinched.

[Tay Trolley]

He got pinched. Thanks for rolling with that one.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I think that joke needs to be arrested.

[Tay Trolley]

Mike co host is coming at you from across the tables. We call a family episode. Just the boys, the bozos and the homies. Give it up for my pal Kevin. James Ryan, everybody.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Hey, what up, gang? Shout out to you as always. Thanks for tuning in. Audio listeners, video listeners over there on YouTube. Uh, spot Spotify climbing the charts.

[Tay Trolley]

Climbing the charts.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Doing well. The boys doing good. Listen, there's an army of people that army of garbage that listens to this goddamn program. And we appreciate you. And then listen, listen.

[Tay Trolley]

We're about in the top 100 about of all podcasts on Spotify.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Fluctuate comedy.

[Tay Trolley]

We're in a top 50, so suck my dick, right?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Sure.

[Tay Trolley]

Tell them down. You go downtown. You tell them that.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Downtown? Yeah, go all the way downtown.

[Tay Trolley]

You go downtown and you tell them that. I know we got a lot of problems with the guys downt.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And then obviously, you know, for the real true homies and dirtbags out there, you go over to patreon.com. listen. You might not know what Patreon is. Might be scary to big bad patrons in an app. Is it a website? What do I do? This is where I watch. This is where I listen. Listen. Kill a loose. Join the over 15,000 people on Patreon. 15,000 get a lot of content over there. You get an extra two episodes a week if you want them. Plus the last four years of content are sitting there. You can consume that as you wish or just move forward, whatever you want to do.

[Tay Trolley]

Tell them, Kippy, they got you.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And also the tour. There's a lot of fucking plugs up front. But the tour, baby, listen, the shows are fucking selling out. You're going to end up. You're going to end up out in the fucking cold waiting in line, trying to Get a standby ticket like a bozo in some markets. Not all of them. Some of them need some help. Some of them. Some of them get your fucking friends.

[Tay Trolley]

Standing out in the cold. Such a salesman thing. You wanna be standing out there in a cult, man.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Thanks for picking up on a joke.

[Tay Trolley]

It's the middle of August. Thank you for rolling with that hoodie a little bit as best as you could.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Uh huh.

[Tay Trolley]

You tried to get in there.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I try. I listen a little bit.

[Tay Trolley]

You also try to tank them a little bit. Those are hard work first of all. And I try to make them a little. A little bit more creative. When it's just you and me.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I get that my.

[Tay Trolley]

More like a jumping off point.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Discuss amongst yourselves. Listen. I come in. The reaction to it. I get in there sometimes. You get me.

[Tay Trolley]

What was your reaction there? Oh yeah. Did she.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That joke. Should have been arrested. That guy got a chuckle from the whole room.

[Tay Trolley]

That was after that. That's when that.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's where I. That's where the funny comes from. Dead. Yeah. Then I bring it back to life. Call me Dr. Kipper.

[Tay Trolley]

I have a smoothie on my shirt. By the way. That stink. I got smoothie on my shirt.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I think it's pronounced milkshake.

[Tay Trolley]

Well you know you can't get the last couple of sips of that because of the nanner. The banana thickens.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Big man wants everything. Yeah, Big man don't like leaving a little floater.

[Tay Trolley]

My friend's not paying $20 for a smoothie and I'm not gonna finish it. All right. Jamba Juice.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Mm.

[Tay Trolley]

Or. Where'd you get. What do you stink?

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, I put his.

[Tay Trolley]

Because you do stink sometimes.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I know. And I was stinking the other day.

[Tay Trolley]

Like a fat kid in gym class.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You sweat like a fat guy.

[Tay Trolley]

Podcast a pubering teenager.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You smell like hoagies. No, I don't get that. That bad.

[Tay Trolley]

Which I told somebody that the other day. They're like. What do you mean? I'm like bo.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Also you have something in between your eyes.

[Tay Trolley]

No I don't.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's probably juice.

[Tay Trolley]

No I don't.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's right where the top of the cup hits you.

[Tay Trolley]

No.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. I think. Let me see. You got it. Yeah. You got most of it.

[Tay Trolley]

I got most of it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It might be a unibrow.

[Tay Trolley]

Not doing this goddamn broadcast in here.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Shark. Leave it in.

[Tay Trolley]

Don't leave it in. Shark.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Shark. It's in.

[Tay Trolley]

I can't see that. My camera's not there.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I did a real dirtbag move of. I was sweating the other day. I guess I didn't put on deodorant or whatever. Things are frantic in the morning. I'm trying to get out of the fucking house. I'm sorry. Some of us have other responsibilities. And showing up and having a third breakfast.

[Tay Trolley]

Excuse me.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You guys saw that?

[Tay Trolley]

That's a lot of eggs.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I. I did four the other day.

[Tay Trolley]

I do four.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Oh, God. I gotta. I gotta pull it back.

[Tay Trolley]

I do four eggs. Four eggs in the morning. Scrambies. A little bit of feta, a little bit of mushroom.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I think if you say with a better inflection, it'll be healthier.

[Tay Trolley]

Yeah. No potatoes or nothing. Just straight protein. Gary. Brca.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Don't get me real dirtbag. Thing is, I leave this in here and I throw it on from time to time if I'm a little chilly or you know. You know, you know, just I put it on.

[Tay Trolley]

What are you, a therapist at a community college?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Huh? They wear denim. That's a big community.

[Tay Trolley]

Yeah, we're denim.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Okay.

[Tay Trolley]

They always have an office jacket.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. Like a cardigan up over the back of the chair.

[Tay Trolley]

Loser chalking.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Also, like, why are you giving me shit? You gotta. We all have. We all keep clothes here. Why? Why, why, why are you pegging me? Like, I gotta explain this to you and you don't know it. You have more clothes. I have one thing. I have this. You have like, half of your wardrobe.

[Tay Trolley]

I have a shacket because it's too hot in here. And I have my eagles jacket.

[Kevin James Ryan]

There's. In my pants. You got a couple of Hawaiians too?

[Tay Trolley]

I got a couple Hawaiians. They're good guys.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Couple of Samoans. There's T shirts over there too.

[Tay Trolley]

Nuh.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, there is.

[Tay Trolley]

They're not mine.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Okay. What, did Butterbean move in? They got dance Samoans.

[Tay Trolley]

I wish we did have a couple Samoan dudes just out there chilling.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Sure.

[Tay Trolley]

That's. We should get Samoan security.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Maybe if we keep more pineapple around, we'll start showing up.

[Tay Trolley]

I have mango.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I was. I was sweating a little bit, and I guess it got on the shirt and I put the deodorant right on the shirt. Nice to mask up what I had. And it's a different brand than I have here. And it's like that. It's a. It's a. Like a men's. Like a dove men's or something like that where it's like a little too. Man. Like trying to be manly.

[Tay Trolley]

You put it on the inside.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I put this on the inside.

[Tay Trolley]

Because yours is white. You have white deodorant?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I put it on the inside cracker. I do a powder based deal.

[Tay Trolley]

Yeah. So it stains the shirt, but then. Doesn't that get on the. Doesn't that get on the other shirt? Doesn't that get on the other shirt?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, but I have an over shirt over that.

[Tay Trolley]

You're not going to take that off?

[Kevin James Ryan]

What? I mean, when I leave here, I'll take it off, but I don't have like. I'm not going to a catered affair or anything. I'm going home.

[Tay Trolley]

You got spots. Nothing's turning up for you.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You got spots tonight.

[Tay Trolley]

I got one.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Where?

[Tay Trolley]

Downtown. Samoan guys, please. We get security. Get Samoan guys.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Okay.

[Tay Trolley]

Good with the nickel, huh?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Me too. Are they known for that?

[Tay Trolley]

I don't know.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Okay.

[Tay Trolley]

Make with the pineapple. What's going on with this screen, by the way?

[Kevin James Ryan]

There he is. Broadcaster extraordinaire.

[Tay Trolley]

You guys can't see it, but Luke's fucking around.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I got a thing. So as you know. Bit of a dirtbag I am.

[Tay Trolley]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And it really. I, you know when. So I got. I got the. I got the house in the burbs. Bit of a fixer upper that did some work to it. Still needs some work. Things go wrong, I gotta fix. I don't gotta fix. I gotta get them fixed. And I think the true mark of this one really hit me.

[Tay Trolley]

What do you think you've dumped into this rat trap since you bought it? Let's be honest. 50 grand.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Something really opening up the books. I got a loan for a couple of things. Shout out to the TD Fit Loan. Paying that baby.

[Tay Trolley]

How many steps you got to do a day?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I always think it says Fitbit too.

[Tay Trolley]

TD Fit Loan.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I told you that when I had the mold or something. I had.

[Tay Trolley]

What's the FIT stand for?

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's just like what they call it. Fits your budget or something. I don't know. They're ripping you off. It should be called the Ripload.

[Tay Trolley]

We got you but a bowl.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. I don't know. Enough, enough, enough. But at the same time, I got it. Long story. I got it for. I got a good deal on it than what they house. Yeah. Huh? What?

[Tay Trolley]

Talking about the loan.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, no, that's not a good deal. That is good deal. That is not a good deal. That hit me. I needed to take the loan because right after tax season I got walloped and I needed. I needed my. I needed my. I needed my. Walking around. I didn't want to empty out everything. I don't want to be fucking sure. Which has happened to me multiple times while this show has been successful. I've crashed out one time at a cash in change again. I was like, I need to get better with money.

[Tay Trolley]

Get the fuck out of here.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, probably 20. What year is it? 2026. So probably 20.

[Tay Trolley]

Well that makes you feel a little bit better.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I told you this. Probably 2023. It was probably 2023. Taxes, I don't know. We. So we now have a business manager and accountant who handle everything.

[Tay Trolley]

You've met Luke.

[Kevin James Ryan]

At one point I was in charge of the faucet.

[Tay Trolley]

I like that.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. Which we. There was. It was. There was no financial. You get.

[Tay Trolley]

You get two, three drinks in this guy. By the way, I put a little extra in there if he wanted to. If he wanted. If Kevin lakes. Here's the thing. It's a real daddy mentality. If he wants to spend it, he'll.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Chop it up nuts.

[Tay Trolley]

He don't want to spend it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

He thinks it's me.

[Tay Trolley]

All of a sudden the mold in the studio.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You're crazy. All of a sudden I'm on a. I need a fit loan.

[Tay Trolley]

I would not qualify. I didn't qualify for multiple pre approved.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You wouldn't qualify for third grade. What are you talking about? He'd be getting held back.

[Tay Trolley]

Dog still eating glue.

[Kevin James Ryan]

But we weren't setting any side. Any money for tax purposes. Well, we. No, we weren't. No, we weren't.

[Tay Trolley]

I mean we weren't setting it aside. We'd leave it in the. We would have it in our accounts, which was very dangerous. And we talked about. I don't know why we're talking about this, but we talked about it the other day how. My God, thank God that like a stupid. Like I am so bad with that shit.

[Kevin James Ryan]

How did.

[Tay Trolley]

How did we not blow that?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Well, we were keep it. We didn't keep it all that. So then at some point at the.

[Tay Trolley]

End of the year, we just had to give everything that we had in our savings.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I had. We had to give every. I. Yeah. So I had to empty out all of my.

[Tay Trolley]

But do you realize there's a reality where I would have spent that?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Oh, I'm surprised we.

[Tay Trolley]

Well, believe I did that. That was the most.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I was doing it. We were doing it wrong because like we should have been using the money from 2023 to pay 2023's taxes.

[Tay Trolley]

Oh, I understand.

[Kevin James Ryan]

We were using 2024, the money we were making in 2024 to pay 2023's debt, which is a slippery slope which.

[Tay Trolley]

Is where I operate the buddy I.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Like a gun to my head but the business manager edge of a knife and they handle dark alley. They they. But because it was that when I said I. Well I've watched everybody in my family become at some point have a good year or whatever then you up. I've watched everybody up and get jammed the up. So that's. And I had to cash in change. I was. I was a lot of change. I thought I was cooked.

[Tay Trolley]

Must have been hungry, huh?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I ripped like 83 bucks and I was like it's a last till the first. I'm gonna keep me go floating till the first.

[Tay Trolley]

I know you got a slice with that off the rip. It's always the first thing you do. You cash in your chain.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That and a pack of heaters. Oh yeah, the heaters.

[Tay Trolley]

Don't forget about them.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Well I've mentioned this but I'd go to the super fresh which is now an acme and I would get the printout and go to the customer service desk say the printout was 24 bucks.

[Tay Trolley]

Like you're at the casino.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I go. I give it to them and go let me get a pack on marble lights. And they give me the change. Dabble. Do you look at you like a.

[Tay Trolley]

Gentleman paying with your chips.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. You go as for you Bing.

[Tay Trolley]

You guys do the free breakfast around.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Here tossing darts at everybody.

[Tay Trolley]

So what do you got for me?

[Kevin James Ryan]

So this is a thing that as you something else.

[Tay Trolley]

Broken joint.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Sure, sure. You know the house stands for bust out another thousand. That's what boat stands for.

[Tay Trolley]

Oh boat. You said house. I mean you say you three gonna be living with me at some point.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Who meet my wife and my kid. Yeah.

[Tay Trolley]

You're blowing it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I mean we're jammed up if I'm moving in with you. No, I'm not blowing it. There's things so I need to fix the thing and we were unsure of how to fix the thing because then the problem with the house is.

[Tay Trolley]

Alright.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So my fireplace isn't. Is it legal? It's not street legal.

[Tay Trolley]

No. You got to get that. You got to get the. You need it cleaned? No, can't clean it because it'll fall down. No, there's cracks in it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Sure. In the found in the thing there. It's not. So they that my options were either to like completely redo it which would be nice or they put a two like a stainless steel tube down the middle and then you can. That's fine as well.

[Tay Trolley]

A little hot potter.

[Kevin James Ryan]

But My. You know how you have like the stone that comes out onto the floor?

[Tay Trolley]

Mm.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's got to be a certain length that mines not. You know what I mean?

[Tay Trolley]

Checking that. Can you just put a little extra around it or some Legos or something?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. Cuz they're not flammable. And then like the clean out or something. The guy came. I had to get it looked at before because there were some questions during the sale.

[Tay Trolley]

These guys. Can I say this?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Who?

[Tay Trolley]

The guys out there in the burbs that do that stuff. That guy that comes the exterminate.

[Kevin James Ryan]

A lot of guys.

[Tay Trolley]

A lot of guys that's making everything up could.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I mean killing it, sure.

[Tay Trolley]

But making their own rules.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Sure. Now you can tell you smell a good guy when you got them. Yeah, you can. You can clock them right away. It's how they operate. They're not smooth talking. They're not, you know that a lot of guys come out and they go. Does this sound good? How about this? Yeah, it sounds good.

[Tay Trolley]

So I got a sitch with Patty with. With her crawl space. She had the whole thing sealed from weather and rodents and stuff. But didn't. The guy didn't do a corner of it. For some reason. She paid for the whole thing.

[Kevin James Ryan]

She had it sealed off.

[Tay Trolley]

Not stuff.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Crucifix on Al Pacino's fucking vault. Wasn't that. No, not Al Pacino. Al Capone. Who.

[Tay Trolley]

Who are you? Dirty rat.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Because that was Capone's thing that Geraldo opened up on live tv. Geraldo. Not Geraldo. Geraldo Geraldo Rivera. Yeah. He opened up Al Capone. They found Al Capone's basement or something. Crawl space. And it hadn't been opened since then.

[Tay Trolley]

I think it was his mausoleum.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No.

[Tay Trolley]

Yeah, his body was in there. He's missing. Oh, Be back Monday.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Oh. And he did a big thing, a bleed up to it. And they opened it up. There's nothing in there. And he had it like. Really?

[Tay Trolley]

I remember that.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tay Trolley]

You sure wasn't. Was it Geraldo who was the guy that did Ricky Lake. No. Celebrity tales on E. I don't know. It was like celebrity dark side. Fuck JJ Benza.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's not a guy. Jay Benza. That guy's all right. Actually, if he. If he's real, you know, I'm talking.

[Tay Trolley]

He was on Stern for a little bit. He got into a fight with stuttering John. J.J. menza.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Menzies.

[Tay Trolley]

No, Shout out to the Menzingers. Whatever. He would do shit like that. Be like the dark side of celebrity. Somebody getting stabbed at A club or something like that.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Anywho, what's this gotta do with Al Pacino?

[Tay Trolley]

You brought it up. So the guy didn't do the one corner of the. Of the thing. Now they come back out and they say it's gonna be another three grand.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I got worms, she's got mice. That's normal, Al.

[Tay Trolley]

They're fine. I know. Are you crazy? The exterminator came out and just cold as.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Where they gonna go? Yeah, keep them outside.

[Tay Trolley]

Well, she. She put the bird feeder too close to the house. There's a lot of cracked corn downstairs.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I got a crow problem. Goddamn parakeet.

[Tay Trolley]

That's what the exterminator said. You don't like crack corn in here.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And I don't care.

[Tay Trolley]

No, but all he did was set traps, disturbing their sound a little better than that. Where's the spray? Where's the juice? Where's the smoke? You're setting traps. I could have had this dumb bitch do that.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tay Trolley]

Here.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Call up Dupont and get the chemies out.

[Tay Trolley]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

What are we talking about? Let's nuke these pussies. Hit them with a little Agent Orange.

[Tay Trolley]

I want to see phosphorus.

[Kevin James Ryan]

What do you got, Luke?

[Luke]

Nothing on Tales from the Dark side. The Mystery of Al Capone's Vault was a two hour American television special hosted by Gerard Geraldo.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I knew you were gonna say Geraldo. Hosted by Rivera. Rivera.

[Tay Trolley]

I think from now on when we go to you, it should always be I got nothing.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Wait, what, Kevin?

[Tay Trolley]

Something about Lucy.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Lucy, Lucy, Lucy.

[Tay Trolley]

Talking about Lucy. Breaker pouches, gang. Do yourself a favor. Talking about 100% pure nicotine. Always tobacco free. Lucy breakers are nicotine pouches with a little extra surprise.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Cause who don't like a little something extra from time to time?

[Tay Trolley]

That's right. Each pouch holds a capsule that can be broken open to release a little extra flavor hydration. So do yourself a favor. Set yourself up for a subscription, subscription, subscription.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And have Lucy delivered straight to your door. Big man having a subscription. Somebody get him a pouch. He needs a little bit of an extra surprise. Guys, listen, don't be one of you know. Everybody's doing nicotine pouches. They're fantastic. Do you ever see the bozo that doesn't have it? You're out. Oh, I got my own new store out. It's this that. They don't have my flavor. They don't have this. The subscription Lucy station.

[Tay Trolley]

What are you doing?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Lucy sets you up with it, baby. They do it. Here it comes to the door. Everybody. I got this. I got everybody. Grabs their pouches by the bing, bada boom. A little container. Got the pallo. Extra surprise for you. That's Lucy, baby. Lucy's the only patch that gives you long lasting flavor whether you whenever you need it. You get 20% off your first order when you buy online with the code garbage. And if you don't want to wait, just head to Lucy Co stores to find Lucy near you and grab it today while you're waiting for that subscription, here comes the fine prick gang. Lucy products are only for adults of illegal age. And every order is age verified. Warning. This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

[Tay Trolley]

Kevin, let's talk about Helix.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Helix. Helix. Helix. Helix.

[Tay Trolley]

Helix gang. It's a Helix kind of night.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm asleep. Good.

[Tay Trolley]

Tonight it's cold outside. You slide into a nice Helix, you get a great night's sleep. Listen, do yourself a favor. We've been Helix been with us since jump street.

[Kevin James Ryan]

One of our. Listen, all jokes aside, one of maybe the first couple of guys, a couple of couple of advertisers to help us keep the lights on here.

[Tay Trolley]

We each got one. We sleep every night. Fantastic night's sleep. Go over there, you take the quiz. Or you don't got to go to a mattress store. Do it all online. Take the quiz, find out how you sleep, whether you sleep light yet sleep heavy. Are you a bigger guy? You're smaller guy. Do you sleep hot? Do you sleep cool? They'll match you with the perfect mattress for you.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, listen, it takes going to a mattress store. Unfortunately, I've been. I was in a list as jammed.

[Tay Trolley]

I lived in one for a while. Switch beds every night, never got comfortable. Yeah, so I do Helix at the door.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Forget about right to your house. Listen, I. You go in there, it's empty. You're in like a huge warehouse.

[Tay Trolley]

There's.

[Kevin James Ryan]

There's beds that a hundred people, 200 people have laid on and they're rolling around, they're tossing until you're catching whatever they got. And then the guy's going, he's got coffee breath. And he's going, oh, yeah. What kind of bed you looking for? A little too creepy if you ask me. Hey, buddy, little distance.

[Tay Trolley]

What are you doing in there?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm a Helix man. You know what I mean? Helix. Helix gives you 120 night sleep trial and a limited lifetime warranty, baby. And a study they ran found 82% of the individuals saw an increase in their deep sleep cycle while sleeping on a Helix mattress. So here's a turkey. Go to helixsleep.com garbage for 27% off site wide. I ain't talking 15%. I ain't talking 20%. I ain't talking 25% and extra 2 and 27% off site wide. That's yellow sleep.com garbage 27% off site wide. Make sure you enter. Are you Garbage at checkouts that I know the boys sent you? Helix helixsleep.com garbage do it. Back to the show.

[Tay Trolley]

Back to the show.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So the fireplace became a bit of an issue. And then I guess at some point we were going to get it fixed. And then I was like, I just want to close it. I think I might have to close it.

[Tay Trolley]

Why?

[Kevin James Ryan]

As I just said, it's a lot to get. I gotta like redo the fucking whole john.

[Tay Trolley]

But why would you have to close it? Why can't you just leave it as it is?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I can, but then it's just a useless bats. No. Well, one. It's in a weird spot in the. If we're getting it, we're really gonna get into the nitty gritty of it. It's in a really weird spot in the room and it's in the kitchen. That'd be nice, but.

[Tay Trolley]

That would be nice.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I know. No, whatever. So we need to redo that room to begin with. And so it's like we're gonna. If we redo it, we're gonna do it right and get rid of the thing and, you know, whatever, but let's just show. This is the carrot. Hold on. And for the last. Seven months, seven, eight months, this has been what my fireplace looks like.

[Tay Trolley]

This is so that.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's what you walk in the house right now. This is. This is what you're. This is. You want to watch tv? This is what you're seeing.

[Tay Trolley]

Luke played it. Talk about sealed off.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Ain't no mice getting in.

[Tay Trolley]

There ain't no money in there.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That is a couple of husky contractor black trash bags. The best on the market.

[Tay Trolley]

Huh? Why though? What are you worried about? Why can't it just be open cold?

[Kevin James Ryan]

It was for a long time. And then when we had the construction guy, when they were lasting, we had the. Was the. We had the leak right Then we had to do the bathroom. So the construction guys, we had a. They had a cleaning service. They're like, hey, for an extra 150 bucks, they can come in and clean the whole house. Because it was everything. Like, everything was tranced through with fucking construction workers guys. So the cleaning people cleaned the fireplace as well. But that on earth, like 70 years of smell. So you walked in and it smelled like a campfire. Mm. Which didn't seem safe for a newborn baby.

[Tay Trolley]

I understand.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And it just smelled so much that I didn't like the wind would blow and fucking come in and it would just like. You just get a whiff of like heavy bike. Fucking campfire.

[Tay Trolley]

Got a hanker for some cornbread.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So I sealed it off with the professional job.

[Tay Trolley]

You sealed it off?

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's sealed off.

[Tay Trolley]

That's sealed off. Can I say this?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Sure.

[Tay Trolley]

It's nice looking fireplace.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't love it.

[Tay Trolley]

Is that TV sitting or mounted? Is that sitting on top of the mantle?

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's not what we're talking about here. That's not what we're talking.

[Tay Trolley]

Because I think I see legs on that thing. No, I thought your trophies aren't up there smoking.

[Kevin James Ryan]

There you go. That's. No, that's mounted.

[Tay Trolley]

No, it's not. That's feet right there. Look at that. That's landing feet. Kid me. That's a duck.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Little penguin feet on her. Yeah, yeah, that's it. That's a small tv. All right. Dude, that TV slow is shit. It's like dial up. I don't know what the fuck's happening.

[Tay Trolley]

Listen, you got a slab of that slate.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That slate's not deep enough. So I'm gonna have to. If I ever want to.

[Tay Trolley]

It's nothing. You dig that out. You could dig that out yourself. You weren't such a. And then have somebody come in and put it. Put a wider one and you got a stew going. You'd have to fix the other. So you're missing a piece on the other side.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I gotta go. You gotta go. I gotta. There's a lot of work that's got to get done.

[Tay Trolley]

So that's what I'm talking about. What do those things do, by the way?

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, that. What do you. What are you talking about? Piece I'm missing.

[Tay Trolley]

That's not. There's.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That was we were looking to get. If we were going to redo it. It would have been that color stone. That's like a loose stone that's sitting there as to like.

[Tay Trolley]

Look at you with your samples.

[Kevin James Ryan]

As my wife. That ain't me. You know they charge you for them samples sometimes.

[Tay Trolley]

That's godd grock, fitlone and fucking new fireplace. Look at you.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, I'm doing no fireplace. I'm sealing it off. I'm turning that into fucking Al Pacino's vault, baby. I'm putting a wall right over that. I'm getting rid of everything. Wall over that. I don't. I'm not going to light fires. We have a fucking. I have a seven month old kid. You can't have a lit fire with.

[Tay Trolley]

A kid if you put a fence around it. He's not an idiot. Yes.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Babies have you. What are you talking about?

[Tay Trolley]

You put a fence around it. You know the fireplace fence. Listen, a nice fire. I like a nice fireplace when I come over. You're sealed it off, huh?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I think so, yeah. It's just not. Okay. I'm not saying you can't have a fireplace without. With a baby. It is not the best thing. I mean then I have what, three fires a year.

[Tay Trolley]

Can I give you something fun you can do.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's why I brought it up to you. Okay, Fun guy. Fun guy ideas.

[Tay Trolley]

Write a real creepy note and stick it in there before you seal it up. A lot of those have been getting unearthed lately.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Real. Something real cryptic.

[Tay Trolley]

Whatever.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Or just once was a batsman a.

[Luke]

Tale from the dark side.

[Tay Trolley]

Something A lot of people have been finding them in their houses. You know what I mean? Contractors, you know, they stick something in the back. Just screwing around, you know, just having fun and fun. Yeah, yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

But that's. That's. I realized as I was. Cuz like now it's there. It's been there so long and a lot of dirt bags who have shitty projects or ongoing projects around their house. It sucks because it comes normalized. When I did that, my intention was we're gonna have this solved in two weeks.

[Tay Trolley]

That's fixed as far as I'm.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I know. But then it sits and then you forget and you're like next time. Now I gotta make that call. I'm waiting on a number and it's just. That's so I don't even notice it now.

[Tay Trolley]

A very, very unsymmetrical odd tape job.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I mean, you're dealing crazy. Yeah.

[Tay Trolley]

Why is there a piece going down? It looks like you're drawing two bags.

[Kevin James Ryan]

One bag doesn't fit. That's a double bag. Double bag there.

[Tay Trolley]

And you didn't have any electrical tape. You had to go with the blue painter tape.

[Kevin James Ryan]

What am I in the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers?

[Tay Trolley]

You've always had electrical. We had the same roll of electrical tape for about 25.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Because you don't use it. No, I don't need it. So cool.

[Tay Trolley]

You needed it stretches.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. We had all that stuff because my stepdad was in construction, so was my dad. So all of that stuff was always at the house. I'm now having to buy stuff that a real man would have. Also shout out to everybody for the tips on the snowblower. It is weird because some of you said bad everyone. A lot of people are saying battery operated snowblower stuck out there in a cold fight.

[Tay Trolley]

Well, they got batteries like the Dewalt batteries.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't. I don't. I. That don't feel like that's the kind of the artillery I'm looking for.

[Tay Trolley]

You want some two stroking?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Huh?

[Tay Trolley]

Prime it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Pull.

[Tay Trolley]

Is strange that you for more or less come from a construction background.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Oh, I would be working for a construction company right now if it was.

[Tay Trolley]

But you don't know how to do anything now.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Stink at this one. I don't Sure. 100% not.

[Tay Trolley]

I don't know if I trust you.

[Kevin James Ryan]

To hang a picture now. That's the. I mean, that's stuff I can do. I can do it great. As long as me and my wife's dear. I don't talk to him anymore.

[Tay Trolley]

I'm just sitting in the passenger seat eating Wawa.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I was a great, as we would call extra set of hands. I need an extra set of hand. I was a great extra set of hands. I was a great digger. I was great at a fucking Sawzall, great with a Bosch gun, fucking the hammer drill, all that kind of shit. I was great fucking mixing concrete, great pouring concrete. Not a good finisher, you know, good at like. I was good with it. I was good with hand tools. If it was all. If it was like a piece of equipment. I wasn't good at building like a sandwich. No, but if it was like, hey, these units, they got to take this apart, whatever, put it back there. I was good at that. If there was a set thing, if I had to like make something. I'm not good at making any. I got bust the fuck out of that. I take that right out. But then my wife's gonna be breaking my balls.

[Tay Trolley]

Fucking pull it in a lot of trash.

[Kevin James Ryan]

They got another fit load.

[Tay Trolley]

That's a lot of trash.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, so that was good at that kind of stuff. I was not. I'm not good at like building stuff or do it like making something from not.

[Tay Trolley]

I'm not good at any of that shit now. I like to procrastinate, ladies and gentlemen.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Hence a trash. And my wife's like, what are we doing with this? I'm like, ah, next week.

[Tay Trolley]

Isn't it crazy? They just decide one day you weren't bitching about it. Fucking for the last three weeks.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, listen, I can't Throw my wife. I can't trash her on this. That is a completely fair.

[Tay Trolley]

I mean wives in general.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Okay. I can't. I'm gonna have to push back on you. That's a completely fair assessment. It'd be one thing if it was a good tape job like you said.

[Tay Trolley]

When planet electrical tape job. Just fix the tape.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I could have turned the bags inside out. The warnings on the bag still.

[Tay Trolley]

Get a Sharpie and black it out the tape. See if she notices. Put the TV in front of that.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Put a fake picture of it, like a draw of fire on it or something.

[Tay Trolley]

That's not bad.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I got a step mike. I gotta fix that. I gotta get the tv.

[Tay Trolley]

No, you could get. You could get one of those Amish fireplaces or a gas stove in there.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't. I don't need. I'd never lit a fire. I'm not. I'm. You know, I. Yeah, if. I mean, listen, if I was a different comp. If I was a completely different guy, for sure I'd be like, I don't.

[Tay Trolley]

Want to tell you how to live.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I got the one outside that we do in the summer. Yeah. Oh, Smokeless John. It ain't smokeless. Sit there with a bottle of white wine, shout out to Cavett. Pinot Grigio, pack of heater.

[Tay Trolley]

Is that what you're doing?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I've done that.

[Tay Trolley]

All white wine and heaters.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Well, Nisi wine. I. I don't keep beer at the house and I have. I keep a bottle of wine for when Denise comes, but you'll get into it. Wow.

[Tay Trolley]

Get into it like the mice can't get out of it in that crack corn.

[Kevin James Ryan]

But listen, my shitty house and. Or alcoholic issues are neither here nor there. We got a gosh darn family episode on our hands, gang, and we gotta friggin get into it, dog. This one's just funny. This is from out of Shapeshift. Are you aware of how long you can hold your breath?

[Tay Trolley]

Two minutes.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No way.

[Luke]

Great podcasting now.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It is.

[Luke]

I got the timer up right here. Closing in on about six seconds.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Your face is getting red. I can see it in.

[Luke]

I think I'll give you. Yeah. 20, let's say now.

[Kevin James Ryan]

What?

[Tay Trolley]

Why do you fucking rat. That's at least a minute.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No way. Nose starts bleeding. Holy. You're bleeding from your ears and shit.

[Tay Trolley]

I can't see. I could do about a minute.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't think so.

[Tay Trolley]

What are you supposed to do?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I. Dude, I'm. I'm not even fucking around. I might be 14 seconds.

[Tay Trolley]

You get scared probably.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm asthmatic. I was, I was. I remember everybody was doing it in the pool one time and like the thing was like. Because you would float to the top. So they'd be like, hey, like just put like, I'm gonna go down to the bottom. Put your foot on my back. Not like hold you, but just so I don't freak out, dude. So I don't float up. You know what I mean? Uh huh.

[Tay Trolley]

Buoyant guy.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Ladies.

[Tay Trolley]

Dude, grab onto me and like you.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Would just like tap, you know what I mean? Of like, hey, I'm coming up. And like, you know, it was just like keep you down so you didn't float to the top. Dude, I started freaking out. I'm biting them and shit.

[Tay Trolley]

Biting?

[Kevin James Ryan]

It can't be bit me bleeding in the pool. Gotta shock it. I might be 14. Are you ready?

[Luke]

Good to go.

[Tay Trolley]

Oh, we're doing it.

[Luke]

All right.

[Tay Trolley]

This is Kevin Ryan, tempting to hold his breath.

[Luke]

We're at 15 seconds right now.

[Tay Trolley]

15 seconds now. I was five times as long as you were the.

[Luke]

I got the 20. I'll give you 40.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It wasn't a minute. Maybe. I mean it didn't feel like a minute. I should say.

[Luke]

I. I had the time. It was not a minute.

[Tay Trolley]

What is the daily recommended dose? How long are you supposed to be able to hold your breath?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't think the doctors are wreck.

[Tay Trolley]

Hey, well, I do. I do that sometimes to make sure to test to see how my lungs are doing from all the heaters that I've had.

[Kevin James Ryan]

He do like a heater?

[Tay Trolley]

I did no more.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Okay. As of when? Yesterday about 11:00am was more about 10:30. Okay.

[Luke]

The average untrained adult should. Can safely hold their breath for approximately 30 to 90 seconds.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm not that far. I could have got to 30. I'm willing to die for it. We'll lay it all on the line.

[Tay Trolley]

There's. There's people in. I don't know if it's Polynesia or whatever, but they have evolved to where they can hold their breath even longer. Because they do like spear fishing and shit. Not like on the weekends. They do it for like to feed their family. They've evolved into something else.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, they go down there and again they carry the rocks and stuff to like walking on the ground under there? No, no, they'll go down there and like. You ever see the people?

[Tay Trolley]

That's seal training. They do that. They take the weights down in the pool and they walk.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I got you. That's not what I'm talking about.

[Tay Trolley]

These are fishermen.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I've seen the tick tock.

[Luke]

The Baju people of Southeast Asia.

[Tay Trolley]

About.

[Kevin James Ryan]

To take a buzz.

[Tay Trolley]

You all right? All right. What's he saying?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Who?

[Tay Trolley]

The kid. Oh, is it that was it about what?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Just.

[Tay Trolley]

Is it. Is it good trash to know how long you can.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, I think if you're an adult going, I can hold my breath for 37 seconds and. Or bragging about it is probably not the classiest thing.

[Tay Trolley]

You know what my move in the pool is with that? The handstand. You guys want to see me do a handstand?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Who are you talking to? I don't know anybody.

[Tay Trolley]

Then who's ever hanging?

[Kevin James Ryan]

The other people on vacation.

[Tay Trolley]

Yeah, who's ever hanging.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Excuse me, sir. I can see your taint.

[Tay Trolley]

Well, I have to cut the drawstring out of the.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You're like giving her.

[Tay Trolley]

I gotta cut the netting out of the thing because it rubs against my thighs.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Big thighs. And she's full of surprise.

[Tay Trolley]

That's how. That's what that would sound like. But I'd still do this. The handstand for them.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm sure they'd be through.

[Tay Trolley]

I'd do a real good handstand in the pool.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. That's not just. Everybody can.

[Tay Trolley]

Nuh.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Babies can't pay.

[Tay Trolley]

The Baju people could do a wicked one. Stay down there for a long time. Very garbage. That's it. That's a great question, Kevin. Talk about the chime card, Baby.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Baby. I'm chiming all over the place.

[Tay Trolley]

Love that chime gang. It's a new way to build credit history with your own money and get rewarded every single day with the chime card. The new card that unlocks safer credit building and cash back with everyday spending together at last.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Match made in heaven, baby. Imagine cash back and credit building with your own money. Finally on the same card. You're not be bopping and scatting. You're united in one place. It helps you build your credit with your own money. Two things that don't come together typically come together until now. There's no annual fees, no interest, no strings attached. And with qualifying direct deposits. Listen to this. Strap in. You get 1.5% cash back on eligible chime card purchases. Baby.

[Tay Trolley]

I tell you, my younger self could have benefited. My credit was. It was trash for a long time.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Very long time.

[Tay Trolley]

I could have used a little chime. They didn't have it back then.

[Kevin James Ryan]

We didn't have the tools that they have now to help you build and.

[Tay Trolley]

So take advantage of them gang.

[Kevin James Ryan]

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[Tay Trolley]

We heard you. Nine years of bring back the snack wrap and you've won. But maybe you should have asked for more.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Say hello to the Hot Honey Snack wrap.

[Tay Trolley]

Now you've really won. Go to McDonald's and get it while you can.

[Kevin James Ryan]

This one from our boy Fritz. Shout out Fritz. He does a lot of the artwork that's hanging around the studio. Youse ever use a sauce pot to fry something? I just used a five gallon pot to fry up some diesels that's jammed up a sauce. You're using a pot as a pan?

[Tay Trolley]

Oh, he wasn't like deep frying it?

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, he's like just turned, puts, puts an empty pot. I've done it.

[Tay Trolley]

Yeah, for sure.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I mean, if you're making, you can't make eggs in there. You can't get in there. I guess you could make some scrambies.

[Tay Trolley]

Probably make some pretty good scrambies in there. That's not a bad idea. You know what else I noticed too? When you're doing eggies in the morning, the smaller pan's better.

[Kevin James Ryan]

My wife does that because if you.

[Tay Trolley]

Do three, if you do three over easy in a small pan, it fills the circle perfectly. Then you get a good flip, flip it back over on a toast, you're out the door.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So you're doing no carbs?

[Tay Trolley]

I didn't say that. When did I say I'm doing no carbs?

[Kevin James Ryan]

You said you do four eggs, all protein.

[Tay Trolley]

When?

[Kevin James Ryan]

At the beginning of this episode. Oh, yeah, no more than, I don't know, 18 minutes ago.

[Tay Trolley]

I'm just saying in general, you. You know.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Mm.

[Tay Trolley]

Hey, you're like a police dog. Second I say something, doesn't line up. I just meant to roil you when you're making breakfast. Put it right on your toes.

[Kevin James Ryan]

All right, I apologize.

[Tay Trolley]

I have. I have had toast before. Yeah, I have, man. Have you?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Sure.

[Tay Trolley]

Okay. What the fuck's a big deal?

[Kevin James Ryan]

There's a piece of toast in there. A couple of breadsticks fall out of that.

[Tay Trolley]

I love a breadstick. I love a bread.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You know, it's pretty classy, breadsticks on.

[Tay Trolley]

The table at the restaurant.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Sure. But they've become more. I don't know if it's European or not.

[Tay Trolley]

Those weird sticks.

[Kevin James Ryan]

The hard breadsticks.

[Tay Trolley]

The thin ones.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Any of them.

[Tay Trolley]

They look like flowers that are dead. You're talking about the thin ones? Yeah, they have them sticking on the table.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I like that.

[Tay Trolley]

Hit me with a basket of rolls.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm not saying. Listen. I'm not saying the. What? It's better than that. I'm just saying it's. It makes me feel classy while I consume my carbohydrates. Sometimes they'll even give you butter at Gallagher's. They'll do that. And you can butter things that aren't really supposed to be buttered.

[Tay Trolley]

Now we're talking buttering things you're not supposed to butter.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Thank you.

[Tay Trolley]

Let's talk about a couple of those things real quick, if we could. Things I like to. Butter that aren't supposed to be buttered. By H. Foley.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Forward by H. Foley.

[Tay Trolley]

By Kevin Ryan. Conceptual idea created by Kevin Ryan. Muffins. I like to put a lump of butter.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Is that a real. I'm not a big muffin guy. I'm not a muffin man, but I feel like that's probably. People are doing that, right? I feel like there's a picture of a muffin box, like, batter box. And it's got a. It's a muffin with a pad of butter on it.

[Tay Trolley]

Yeah, it might do that. I'm talking about that blueberry mix.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, maybe.

[Tay Trolley]

Unless I'm one.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Unless I'm making that up or something.

[Tay Trolley]

Jiffy. I think it's called something like that. Blue writing. Why do you have a keyboard on your laptop?

[Luke]

What do you mean?

[Tay Trolley]

The. What you play. You writing beats.

[Luke]

Oh, it's for the audio configuration.

[Tay Trolley]

Yeah. Thought he was back in the lab a little bit. You think he collab with Uncle Hank? Do a little, you know, do a little like a Ibiza kind of thing.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Just take a bunch of Pills.

[Tay Trolley]

No. He'd do his house music over some.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I gotcha.

[Tay Trolley]

Some riffs.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I was joking.

[Tay Trolley]

As they call her.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Okay.

[Luke]

Butter on muffins. Normal thing. The box though. It's a little bit of the Berenstein Bears effect, I believe.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Really. Mandela effect. The pat of butter effect. That's not what I'm talking.

[Tay Trolley]

Yeah. That's how he's talking. It's called jif type. Jiffy. Jiffy. Cornbread mix. Oh.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Maybe it's cornbread.

[Tay Trolley]

There it is.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tay Trolley]

That's a pad of butter.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's a corn muffin mix.

[Tay Trolley]

That's a muffin. Muffin.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Man. You didn't.

[Tay Trolley]

I would kill for a trade. I was right now. Whoo.

[Kevin James Ryan]

What else do you. What else do you like Butter on babka.

[Tay Trolley]

I put it on babka.

[Luke]

It's good.

[Tay Trolley]

I know that's fucked up.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't even really sure what babka is. But. Okay.

[Tay Trolley]

It's a Jewish delicacy.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I mean. I know that. Yes.

[Tay Trolley]

Dessert. Chocolate. Cinnamon. Sometimes I like a babka.

[Kevin James Ryan]

A lesser babka.

[Tay Trolley]

Possible.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Is that it?

[Tay Trolley]

What do you. Yeah. I guess so.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Okay.

[Tay Trolley]

Potatoes.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yes.

[Tay Trolley]

Baked potato toast.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I know you so well. Baked potato Toad.

[Tay Trolley]

Like a honey bun. Do it on a honey bun.

[Luke]

My dad always did it on like banana bread or pumpkin bread.

[Tay Trolley]

Oh yeah. Hell yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's bread. That's bread as far as I'm concerned. Sure that's not weird to put butter on bread?

[Tay Trolley]

I told you I had unsalted butter not that long ago.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tay Trolley]

Hated it. Had to put salt on it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Okay. Sucks in. In. In Germany. I'm a big fan. Is. They'll slice the. The pretzel in like lengthwise like a sandwich. Slather that with butter. Close it back up. Munching on that.

[Tay Trolley]

Seal it. All right.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Not bad.

[Tay Trolley]

I haven't talked about these. Wetzlers. Pretzelers. Wetzel Pretzels.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Mm.

[Tay Trolley]

Wetzler Pretzel. Wetzel.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Wetzels.

[Tay Trolley]

Wetzels. Pretzels. Which I saw for the first time on 57th Street. Yes. Doing my research. Out of our town. Didn't it? Wasn't aware of this operation because it looks like it ain't Annie's ripoff. Or Philly trying to muscle on the Philly Soft Pretzel. Which. Don't you fucking.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I think they're significantly bigger than Philly Soft Pretzels. Philly Soft Pretzels. There's probably. I'm making. I'm. You know. They're only in the region. So there's 50 of them. That would be a lot.

[Tay Trolley]

I didn't know the rest of the country was doing soft pretzels like that. Who are these Wetzels?

[Luke]

They have more than 370 locations.

[Tay Trolley]

Pretty good.

[Luke]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. That's great. Yeah. I mean, I think it's like west coast or Midwest. They were never around us.

[Tay Trolley]

I don't like it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No. I mean, he can't move into Philadelphia region with Wetzler's pretzels. Jewish guy selling pretzels.

[Tay Trolley]

How about paying off the right people? It ain't no Boy Scouts.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Nah.

[Luke]

Wetzels has about 35% of the market share. It seems like.

[Tay Trolley]

Whoa.

[Kevin James Ryan]

35% of the pretzel. That's gotta be a trillion dollar industry.

[Tay Trolley]

It's a lot of. That's a lot of. A lot of pretzels. It's a lot of.35 is a huge.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's a lot of dough.

[Tay Trolley]

Pretty good. 35 is a huge percentage of market share.

[Luke]

Did 266 million in sales as of 2023.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Wait till Foley knows. Now Foley knows about it.

[Tay Trolley]

206 million a year or total?

[Luke]

266 million, I believe total. But yeah, it seems like it would be more.

[Tay Trolley]

Lose more than that runner for the bus. What are you talking about? 260. Get out of here.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Your concept of large.

[Tay Trolley]

What's Philly soft pretzel doing?

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's probably not publicly reported. Should catch my drift. When you're. When you're selling. When you're selling pretzels out of a shopping cart on fucking Woodhaven Boulevard, they don't really. You're not really reporting that to the fucking sec. You know what I mean? You're not ringing the bell.

[Tay Trolley]

Anybody asked. We're not doing well, Luke.

[Luke]

What's that?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I got nothing. That was such. That's such a. I wonder. I wonder.

[Tay Trolley]

Enjoy my Wetzels pretzels.

[Kevin James Ryan]

If that's still happening.

[Tay Trolley]

What?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Because that was a big fundraiser thing in the Philadelphia area at schools, games, I'm sure. But like, was this in college? The soft press you get because you can go buy. I'm making up a number. 100 soft pretzels for 10 cents a piece. You sell three for. They used to be. Three for a dol.

[Tay Trolley]

Six in the. Six in the morning. You go down there and get them.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You go down, pick them. You get the big wooden box, the big cardboard box right out of the oven and you break them up. But they give you a bag. You sell your bags, too. Brown paper bags. You put two in a bag, three in it. But whatever it was, that was as a fat kid who spent a lot of time in the car with his dad driving around to construction sites. He knew he could buy me for another two hours by getting me a three pack. He knew it.

[Tay Trolley]

Pulled right up.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Oh, we were huge. Buying press. We would get the money before we left the house, like if we were going down the shore. So with my mom we would make sure we had. We got cash. We're gonna stop and get pretzels from the pretzel guy. Woodhaven Boulevard. Buy Barry Woodhaven and Byberry right before you get on I95. I told you. She also hit that same guy.

[Tay Trolley]

And if he wasn't there one day, I bet you were a real nightmare to be around in the car.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I fucking hopped. I rolled out.

[Tay Trolley]

Chewing on the seatbelt.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, that was definitely stopping at a waw if that was the case, gentlemen. But that was huge. So then you would. That was like a fundraiser. The school would do it and like.

[Tay Trolley]

We did it in college.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It was an easy way. I wonder if that still really happened as much because now I feel fundraisers like the things I've gotten from my nieces and nephews and other people, they're all legit. It's like a link. It's like here, Venmo this. It's like the. There's no hand to hand transactions.

[Tay Trolley]

You know how to work the skim, you idiots. You don't put that online like that. Cash. That way you take care of everybody, grease everybody, People at the top. Then you get the money to whoever it's going to.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Uh huh.

[Tay Trolley]

At 30% less. But you don't know what happened to that.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I also. I had the idea. We didn't run this by either one of you. I had the idea to do some sort of like 50 charity scam. Yes. Not scam. I mean obviously we'd be paid. We'd be compensated for administrative fees. 99% of the income. No, I don't know what the legal gambling ramifications are of doing some sort of 5050 with all of the homies in the bozos. Right. The idea would be due to like. It'd be like a lottery essentially. Like a small lottery that obviously.

[Tay Trolley]

Who does the numbers?

[Kevin James Ryan]

What do you mean we do. I'd have to look into this. No, you would do. It would be like ticket. You would buy it. Like a 50 50. You would buy a ticket and then all the. Why are you looking at me like I'm a fuck?

[Tay Trolley]

This sounds highly illegal and I'm into it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Well then how do they do 50 50s?

[Tay Trolley]

You do it at a stadium. I don't think you do it online.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm saying that there's probably some legal caveats, but there's online gambling, you say?

[Tay Trolley]

Yeah, they're all Native Americans, though. They got the resorts and all that shit. The reservations. We got to go up there and talk to them. Got to go upstate.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Is DraftKings a sponsor on this episode? If they are, this is getting cut.

[Luke]

A national 5050 raffle is technically challenging due to varying state laws. Some states prohibit raffles entirely or restrict online.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Move it offshore on a website.

[Tay Trolley]

Okay, now see, put Luke's computer on a little.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Put on a cruise ship.

[Tay Trolley]

That's not a bad idea. Wait, so you're saying have like an E ticket, put it out there, everybody buys.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And that's just like there.

[Tay Trolley]

We do the wheel here.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I mean, I'm not that fun. I haven't reached the broadcasting aspect.

[Tay Trolley]

I want to pick.

[Kevin James Ryan]

The idea is, I want to do it to help out the. Is like, you know, hey, I buy $5 in tickets. You might win. I mean, I don't. You might win 1800 bucks, help you cover your rent. You know what I mean? Like that kind of thing. A self sustaining economy.

[Tay Trolley]

But they get half of it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

They probably get most of it all. I mean, I'm not doing this to wet our beaks. I would.

[Tay Trolley]

What's the charity?

[Kevin James Ryan]

This is what I'm saying. I think 5050 works because it's charity. We'd have to make a charity, which we can then take the money, put it in the charity and donate that money for sure. After we take our.

[Tay Trolley]

Lunches, travel meetings.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Run it through to charity. That's how all those rich guys get caught, right? Somebody like recently got caught like that.

[Tay Trolley]

Running it through the charity.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Put it through the charity, buying like, you know, Maseratis and fucking helicopters and shit. Also I realized there's a difference because I come down the west side highway most days and that's where a lot of the helipads are. Are right there like. And that's. You see rats. Real rich people. That's like, they're coming in. They're either coming in Connecticut and there's a driver. Yeah, there's a drive. They're coming from upstate down. I don't know where the fuck they are. There's a driver in like a big black Escalade waiting for them. They land. They don't even get their bag. The driver runs up the pilot, hands the driver the bag. Pilot or somebody, not these rich it's just like a way to go. And I'm, you know, I'm sitting there, sitting there on a city bike, freezing my dick off, going, that must be. I. Must be the light. Got plastic bags on my side.

[Tay Trolley]

You guys see the pretzel guy?

[Kevin James Ryan]

He used to be three for a dollar back when I was banging. There's two. There's two. There's 2 different kinds of helicopters.

[Tay Trolley]

Sure.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I assume there's 2 different classes. There's the one, the standard A team helicopter with the legs out like a fucking, you know, like a military type.

[Tay Trolley]

Thing if you're a bum.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And then there's the one with the wheels. Yeah. The landing gear, the Sikorskis. And they fly. They're like flat bottomed. You see them guys, you say hello, but. Okay.

[Tay Trolley]

Yeah, those nice seats back there.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, that's like that.

[Tay Trolley]

Genuine leather, folks. Genuine catcher's, mint level.

[Kevin James Ryan]

They're chilling back there real nice.

[Tay Trolley]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Huh?

[Tay Trolley]

Who those?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't know.

[Tay Trolley]

Get some hot broad assistant with them.

[Kevin James Ryan]

How much kind of cash you got to be like, let me fly to you.

[Tay Trolley]

It's crazy easy to come into the city.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Also, I like getting in a car with the boys. I like throwing on some tunes.

[Tay Trolley]

Are you taking the car down with.

[Kevin James Ryan]

What do you mean?

[Tay Trolley]

Oh, you mean in general?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, like I got two hours. It's, you know, two hour drive. Whatever. Hop in with the boys, throw the tunes on, start trashing people.

[Tay Trolley]

These guys are probably going to work. Probably live in Connecticut.

[Kevin James Ryan]

We drive to work together. No, we don't go all over the country driving over.

[Tay Trolley]

Sure. I think you meant to stay in the city. No drive with you.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Never catch you on an E bike.

[Tay Trolley]

Dangerous.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Sure.

[Tay Trolley]

Yeah. Well, it's all for charity, so what are you. Damn it, I'm out of coffee. Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I would like to figure out some way to. To give back, you know, a localized lottery. I'm sure it'd be.

[Tay Trolley]

Not gonna happen.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Highly illegal, though.

[Tay Trolley]

You start saying localized right on the localized lottery, people down a little. Liddy little. Literally. Might take a little offense. Sure. So why don't you shut up, talk about this off camera, trying to get us all pinched and bring cash. Mail a dollar to a P.O. box and we'll mail it back to you. We won't mail it back to him. Get out of there.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Because that reminds me, I think it's.

[Tay Trolley]

Get your fireplace fixed before you start doing charitable.

[Kevin James Ryan]

How do you think I'm trying to get the money?

[Tay Trolley]

That's the fit loan, the kid.

[Kevin James Ryan]

The 50. 50 loan. Dog cuz. I think it's. It's pretty prominent in Latin American or Hispanic cultures is they used to do it at my job. I know what you're talking is, like, everybody takes $100 a paycheck or something, puts it in and, like, you get it one. Say there's 10 people in. You get it one every 10 weeks or whatever. So, like, you get a bit. You only take $100 out of your account, but then in 10 weeks, you get like a thousand or like the big lump sum.

[Tay Trolley]

Does it. Does that work?

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's the same amount of money, but the idea is an influx. You losing $100 isn't as detrimental to the benefit of an influx of 2. However many people are in it.

[Tay Trolley]

Right.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Like one month. Hey, once I get this, we can pay. We can book the. It's like a savings account, essentially, that you get access to every. However many there are.

[Tay Trolley]

Filipinos do that too. They're into that racket.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's something. I was just saying something we can get into. Everybody want to do that? What? Not with you. I'd be getting screwed left and right. What are you nuts?

[Tay Trolley]

You never gave it to me that way.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It'd be your week every week.

[Tay Trolley]

Look at that. Everything's coming up fully. Talk about 50. 50 Luke and error.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's poor people.

[Tay Trolley]

Yeah. The Dempsey's don't go for that.

[Luke]

No, just invest it.

[Tay Trolley]

Yeah, you can make it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's over. We're so different, dude. He's going, invest it, and I'm going. Let's start a lot of fake lottery. We are just different guys. We are from different places.

[Tay Trolley]

Invested.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't think any. I don't think anyone in my family has ever invested anything. I remember my dad. This is. This was a. This was the biggest. The big investment I remember ever. The only investment I remember ever hearing of was my dad's cut. The construction company did, like, the refrigeration at a lab, like a medical lab. It was like they were building a new medical lab in like, a warehouse or something.

[Tay Trolley]

Guys are onto something here.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And they were doing like, HV. HIV medication or something.

[Tay Trolley]

Okay.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That.

[Tay Trolley]

And the old man heard that, got in.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So they. It was Sunday. There was about to be a break. It was something. And there was rumblings of like, get in where you catch something or. I don't even.

[Tay Trolley]

Out in the cold.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't even remember, but I remember they. You know, that was. That was like, ah, we're gonna get in. And then it plummeted. Didn't pass FDA regulation. Or something like that. It just fucking.

[Tay Trolley]

I was talking to a guy not that long ago that was talking about. He is a. I don't know. He has an investment firm. It's a most.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't know. I wasn't listening.

[Tay Trolley]

It's mostly for pharmaceutical companies. And I'm like, what are they making? And he's like, well, it's usually, you know, HIV or cancer vaccines. And I'm like, what kind of fucking scam is this?

[Kevin James Ryan]

What do you mean? They.

[Tay Trolley]

Probably nothing ever works, but a bunch of you put money into it and they take a shot at it. And if it works, they all get rich. Sure.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tay Trolley]

Same shit, Luke.

[Luke]

Hey, man, can you give me Percocet or not?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Hey, man, I'm withdrawing here.

[Tay Trolley]

And for that reason, I'm out. But if that's the same shit as fucking.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That was a home run, Luke.

[Tay Trolley]

About time you woke up.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't know.

[Tay Trolley]

That's the same shit as putting a hundred bucks in. It's on a different level. This guy goes around telling people, probably doing a new one every week, the cancer vaccine.

[Kevin James Ryan]

How much money did he take from you? It sounds like you got ripped off.

[Tay Trolley]

I was just thinking. I was like, oh, man. That this is the rats. A racket.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. Investing.

[Tay Trolley]

Yeah. But I mean, I think that people say cancer, everybody. Oh, yeah. They're on a breakthrough thing for cancer. No, they're not.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I know, but the people, they're not saying that to, like, Patty, and Patty's getting her checkbook out for eighteen hundred dollars. They're saying that to people like millionaires. Eighteen hundred don't cash.

[Tay Trolley]

It's on a fixed income.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Don't cash out till next week. They're not saying that to people who are like.

[Tay Trolley]

Yeah, they get hedge funds and shit.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. Like people. Yeah. And it's like they do that with like 15 different pharmaceutical companies. And one fucking hits the fucking thing and pop goes the weasel, dog. That's what we got to get into this.

[Tay Trolley]

Listen, pharmaceutical sales. I agree.

[Kevin James Ryan]

We kind of talked. I'm pulling a lot of rogue business opportunities here.

[Tay Trolley]

Have you What? I would love that. No, if you're doing some shit on your own and it worked out and you surprised me at the end there with a check.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Oh, I gotta pay you.

[Tay Trolley]

Of course.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Well, if I'm using my personal fund.

[Tay Trolley]

No, company funds. If you gamble with Luke's pay, he's got it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

We wanted. We were talking about investing in a homie or a bozo company who makes something cool that we can get in on if you have a brewery? Maybe not brewery. If you sell beers or something. Something we can get in and have fun with Shark Tank this thing.

[Tay Trolley]

One of you could be the next scrub daddy out there.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yes, submit all of doing this. Why not submit all of your ideas to AYG?

[Tay Trolley]

Submission fee, $1,000.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Mail $1. Submit it to AYG liveshowmail.com aygliveshowmail.com Send a picture.

[Tay Trolley]

And you know, don't hit your latest invention.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Not invent. I mean, an established product of some.

[Tay Trolley]

Sort our friends and family allowed to try.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Oh, my Patty sends her dill double sided, quad sided dilt.

[Tay Trolley]

I got a guitar that I made with bass and drums on it. It's called the whatchamacallit. Do you remember what you call it? So you're too young for that.

[Kevin James Ryan]

The candy. The candy, Yeah. I mean, I've heard you talk about them every week for five years. I mean, yeah.

[Tay Trolley]

Not. They used to really have something back in the day. Then they changed the formula.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That wasn't that. That wasn't our kind. That wasn't my kind of candy. When I was back hanging, what was your candy? That was your next question.

[Tay Trolley]

No, it wasn't.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You're a warheads guy.

[Tay Trolley]

Not asking you about your candy selections.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Okay, fair enough.

[Tay Trolley]

Candy companies would definitely probably be at the top of that list for you. Sure.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I think selling candies is pretty tough.

[Tay Trolley]

Selling candies?

[Kevin James Ryan]

How you gonna sell candies?

[Tay Trolley]

You gotta. You gotta do. Shaq's doing it. Shaq's making a move on the market. What he is with Shacklicious? He's got some gummies out there that ain't too bad. And he's got them all over the place.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You're buying Shaq candy? That's crazy.

[Tay Trolley]

Three time champion.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Goddamn mvp.

[Tay Trolley]

What the fuck? If you're not buying from Shaq, who you buying from?

[Kevin James Ryan]

He has so much money, it's crazy.

[Tay Trolley]

He's a businessman.

[Kevin James Ryan]

They say he's in like. He owns like, pull up Shaqlicious.

[Tay Trolley]

Gummy bears, Gummy candies.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Send me some.

[Tay Trolley]

He's got. He's got a. Got a few genres, as they're called. I keep seeing them everywhere. Been in a lot of bad bodegas lately.

[Kevin James Ryan]

A lot of rap snacks.

[Tay Trolley]

Look at this whole line.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That looks pretty good. Wait, they're his head. That's weird, dude. That don't even look like him. Look, Shaq, it should be basketballs. That's a good idea.

[Tay Trolley]

That's not bad.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's not bad. I should be running Shackalicious what are the shacks?

[Tay Trolley]

Oh, there you go. Wait, those look.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Those look dopey. Yeah.

[Tay Trolley]

No, XL gummies. Shaq gummies. Yeah. I think those ones are.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Oh, those are hoops and basketballs.

[Tay Trolley]

That's cool. Hoops and basketballs. I dig that Shaq. Shackalicious.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Listen, he's not letting us get in. I don't care how many times you plug it. Guy like that, he's a shark. Letting us get in. This is pretty funny. Speaking of money, I've kind of fucked up this up. I'm not a hundred percent positive who this is from. I believe it's half carpet. $10, homie. Never had one red. Are you garbage? The first time you ever saw real money was after an insurance payout for your car accident. And that real money was a grand total of $2,843. That's some real fucking cash. If you're jammed up, that's real cash.

[Tay Trolley]

I remember the first time I saw a hundred dollar bill. It was the coolest thing.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Well, back in the day, they weren't that. I. I would say in like the late 90s, early 2000s, they became like.

[Tay Trolley]

This was mid-80s.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. The old one. Yeah.

[Tay Trolley]

My. My mamas were so cool. My mama was going either wanted down at the casino or they were going down to the casino. Showed me a hundred dollar bill. Oh, boy. A hunted.

[Kevin James Ryan]

There was a time when my dad would roll. He was a, you know, guy trying to be rich. He would have a couple on him in the pocket at all times. And he always, you know, always everybody saw them whenever. You know what I mean?

[Tay Trolley]

It's funny, you do the same thing.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I take it from him. Yeah. I do it, do it to make you mad. And it's working. I always look at you a little bit, and then you look away. You're like usually eating or whatever. Not that, but I usually do it when we're. When we're eating lunch and he's just like, look away.

[Tay Trolley]

I cash on me too.

[Kevin James Ryan]

What do you got? A bunch of shackalicious. Fuck.

[Tay Trolley]

That's fucking my jokes.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Suicide note, my set list. You got nothing. Yeah, tough.

[Tay Trolley]

They get ripped up.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That was always. I don't know about you guys, but we. I think we were. I think our families were a bit different in this. We never did anything through insurance ever.

[Tay Trolley]

What do you mean? Like if you got in a car accident.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Never. What never?

[Tay Trolley]

What if. What if you hit somebody?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't think anybody ever hit anybody. I don't Know what?

[Tay Trolley]

What if they hit you? You were the dirtbag. Finch, give me 600. Now, that was you, wasn't it? Otherwise, the fat kid will say you broke his neck. Kevin, play that.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I look like Chrissy.

[Tay Trolley]

I got Kevin. Kevin nosebleed now.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I got the neck brace, the black glasses, and a cig going. That's the best.

[Tay Trolley]

That's my favorite Chrissy.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I know. I don't know. I just. We never. That was like paper. I was like, red tape and paperwork. And they know you, and then you're. They raise your rates. And it was. We hated the idea of. Of that. That was not where we went. And I remember my one buddy got. His parents got. The car was fucked up or something, and they didn't get it fixed. And, like, somebody, like, was able to give them a new fender, you know, some they did, like, you know, hey, we got 2,800 for the car. I had Billy fix it for, oh, 90 bucks. And I remember being like, what the market? That was crazy to me. That was like printing money. I was like, that is just fucking free. That's crazy. And then I remember I rear ended this lady, this girl, and she did the same thing. She goes, I. It was. She had already been rear ended a couple of weeks before. Whatever. Then I rear ended her.

[Tay Trolley]

Did you.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And she's like. I'm like, I got out. I'm like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. And they're like. Her and her dad were looking at it. That was in the driver's seat. She was driving. They were like. It was a. It was a. It was a maroon Mustang. Girl lived in my neighborhood. I followed her out of the neighborhood all the way. And then we get to the.

[Tay Trolley]

Did you know her?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. Not like. I mean, yeah, yeah, for sure know her.

[Tay Trolley]

Okay.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Went to another. She went to, like, the Catholic school, so we didn't really cross paths, but we knew it, like, from, like, growing up. Yeah. I'm like, I follow you here all the way. She's like, yeah. I'm like, I'm sorry. And then she's like, I got hit three weeks ago there. They're cutting the insurance check. Just forget about it.

[Tay Trolley]

Wow, That's a homie right there.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Not too shabby. I'm already getting paid for this. Get out of here.

[Tay Trolley]

You have to do something about this missing finger, though.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That fixes your car. What are you gonna do about mine? I'm all fucked up.

[Tay Trolley]

You're just laid on the hood.

[Kevin James Ryan]

All right, let's see. We got time for one more A little bit of a story. This one's from Corbin. 10$. Little Kip College fund supporter. I appreciate your service. Are you garbage if you got a massage in blue jeans? I was in.

[Tay Trolley]

Relax, will you?

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's crazy. But those things are tense.

[Tay Trolley]

Let's hear it out.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I was in Chicago with my wife for New Year's and she booked us a nice massage. Nice. Tough. The lady was. English, wasn't her first language and had to have a translator. She said, disrobe. And I asked how far she would like me to take. And she said, take your shirt off. Which I guess she then came back. I don't know. She said the first half was fine, but then she was trying to stretch out my legs and my not so movable jeans. That's fucking crazy. And it felt weird. This is my first massage and I didn't.

[Tay Trolley]

No shit.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's crazy. I made sure to tip heavy big man style to make sure for the strangeness. Love you guys, man.

[Tay Trolley]

Love you too, buddy.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's.

[Tay Trolley]

Wonder what his wife said. You'll what your jeans. You know he's faithful.

[Kevin James Ryan]

What's not? Fishing for a hand job. Yeah, it's clear. A nice massage. They're not doing hand jobs.

[Tay Trolley]

It's just he's got his wieners sticking through the little file.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Trolling.

[Tay Trolley]

Trolling with a night crawler.

[Kevin James Ryan]

We got to wrap it up though, gang.

[Tay Trolley]

We love you to death. Come see us out there on the road. Kippy, you got anything?

[Kevin James Ryan]

No. What the fuck? You just.