Mile High Club w/ Mark Normand | Are You Garbage Comedy

Summary

Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast

Episode Title: Mile High Club w/ Mark Normand
Release Date: March 23, 2026
Hosts: H. Foley & Kevin Ryan
Guest: Mark Normand

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Overview

This episode welcomes stand-up comedian Mark Normand for a high-energy, riff-filled conversation on all things "garbage"—those little-life specifics that reveal whether someone’s truly classy or just a loveable dirtbag. The topics, as always, run the gamut from stealing at self-checkout to disastrous road trips, vintage cars, trashy funeral rituals, and getting horny on planes. True to “Are You Garbage?” tradition, the hosts probe Mark's habits and background to determine his true garbage credentials—with plenty of audience-submitted questions thrown in for extra mayhem.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Mark’s Comedy Career Update

• [02:04] Mark just taped his second Netflix special in Boulder—he humorously notes the "crunchy, queefy" nature of the crowd and relief at selling multiple shows.
• [02:16] Talks about the challenge of going “back to clubs” after theaters:

  "You still gotta kill in the club... You gotta keep it white hot." —Mark Normand

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What Makes You Feel Classy?

• [03:15] Hosts ask what Mark does that makes him feel rich or classy.

• [03:55] Mark:

  "Sometimes I’ll go to the self checkout and not steal—and I feel like a king, like, what an upstanding citizen I am. I could have taken those raspberries." —Mark Normand

• [04:06] Mark admits to often stealing from self-checkout out of principle:

  "If I’m doing the work, I’m gonna take a little tip." —Mark Normand

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Economic Gripes & Everyday Grifting

• Both Mark and the hosts joke about declines in “free” things:
  • [05:03] Mark laments $5 chips at Mexican restaurants, extra charges for ketchup, and nickel-bags at stores.
  • [05:37] Mark:

    "They keep squeezing you... it’s gonna keep going. The whole country's getting fucked."

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Mark’s Life Upgrades (and Fails)

• Mark talks about his vintage car breaking down on the turnpike:
  • [06:38]

    "It shut down on me. I had to push it. No power steering. Got it off to the side of the road." —Mark Normand

  • A kind stranger helped him tow it, invited him to dinner with his mom, and Mark later had it fixed for a “million dollars.”

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Gritty Brooklyn Living & Shopping Habits

• Mark is a fan of budget grocery stores:
  • [08:47]

    "Oh, I love Aldi. It looked like when they put people after Katrina, it's all messy in there." —Mark Normand

• On home appliances:
  • [09:27] Regrets not upgrading his fridge:

    "I don’t have the cup in the fridge door, you know, the water... I [messed] up."

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Family Life—Keeping It Trashy

• Mark’s baby is now walking; he jokes about the kid hiding the remote and almost ruining his marriage:
  • [09:55]

    "Put [it] in his diaper... He took the remote. We can’t find it. Ruining my marriage, dude." —Mark Normand

• Mark and his wife traveled with a newborn to perform gigs (Florida/Bahamas combo).
• Not fans of resort life once a kid is involved:
  • [12:22]

    "With a baby, it ruined it. Like, it's not a vacation anymore." —Mark Normand

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Health Insurance: Garbage or Genius?

• Mark reveals he has never had health insurance as an adult:

  • [13:23]

    “I’ve never had it. I still don’t have it.” —Mark Normand

  • Claims the baby “maybe” has insurance.
  • Mark:

    “You know how much money I saved not having it? You just throwing money away every month.”

• Foley and Ryan discuss company-provided insurance, stress tests, and using healthcare as a “report card” enabling further reckless behavior.

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Equinox vs. Rec Center vs. Aldi—Class Divide

• Hosts joined Equinox gym to “tighten up,” but:

  • [16:27]

    "Tryna get healthy, man... We both joined Equinox ... Good luck getting out of that one. Tough contract." —Mark Normand

• Comparisons between fancy gyms and the rec center; Mark describes rec center chaos ("old Puerto Rican guy vs. black guy, battling with speakers").

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Cash Life—How Much Is in Your Wallet?

• Mark is a big “walking around with cash” guy.
  • [33:54] On-the-spot wallet count: Mark is carrying $900 in cash ("I just got back," "I had a gig... and did a strip club").
  • Says he runs on debit/cash only; avoids credit to keep from overspending.

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Break-ins and Childhood Trauma

• Mark tells story of his NYC apartment being robbed—robber made off only with his “cool guy drawer” of mushrooms, cash, weed, and a handgun, skipping all electronics.
• Mark shares stories of frequent childhood home break-ins, including one where he unknowingly talked to the burglar.

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Patron Garbage Questions—Highlights

• Health insurance

• Inheritance: Mark inherited a single share of Cleco stock (~$18, maybe worth more if split).

• Sick days: Approved of using all sick days after two weeks notice.

• Least valuable inheritance: One guest inherited a Beanie Baby, and Mark shared the Cleco story.

• Garbage funerals & will discussions: Mark has no will; jokes about cremation & being put in a Crown Royal bag:

  "Cremate is nice, ‘cause there’s no hassle…Dad had to bury Mom…$13,000 coffin...so we put them in a, you know, in an old royal bag." —Mark Normand ([26:02])

• Trashy funerals:

  • Kevin proposes an Irish wake with his body on a pool table and quarters on his eyes:

    "Put me in a walk-in... I'm holding beers for everybody." —Kevin Ryan ([27:00])

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Sex, Planes, and the Mile High Club

• Discussion on getting horny on planes—Mark and Kevin agree:

  • [48:10]

    "I got a boner immediately on a plane. I don’t know what that is." —Mark Normand

  • Speculation: Pressurized cabins make emotions more intense.

• Mark admits to jerking off once on a plane for emergency reasons.

  "I did the jerk off once because Fitzsimmons does it every fight." —Mark Normand

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Bedwetting, Embarrassment, and Trauma

• Several hosts and Mark discuss their childhood bedwetting and emotional trauma stories, and the humiliations of sleepovers, bedwetting alarms, and plastic sheets.
• Mark recalls a British “cunt” (his friend’s mom) reacting with fury after he wet the bed at a sleepover:

  "She was a British cunt... had to clean it. Single mom." —Mark Normand

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Porn Habits and the Allure of Classic Trash

• Talk shifts to generational differences on porn access, trashy favorites (“stuck porn,” MILFs, step-family porn)—Mark waxes nostalgic for Playboy and old 70s porn with storylines, and loves “minivan hot” moms ("rhinestone jeans, Bob Seger, lipstick on the teeth").

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Growing Up Garbage—Houses, CPS, Pickup Trucks

• Discussion about whose houses weren’t allowed as kids—Kevin’s was a no-go due to being allowed to ride in the back of pickup trucks; Mark reveals his own brush with Child Protective Services (CPS)—banisterless stairs and teacher suspicions of abuse from bruises due to skateboarding.

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Memorable Quotes

• "The whole country's getting fucked." —Mark Normand ([05:39])
• "Sometimes I'll go to the self checkout and not steal, and I feel like a king." —Mark Normand ([03:55])
• "I tried to sign up (for insurance) once and it was...confusing, so I gave up." —Mark Normand ([22:46])
• "I had a drawer with mushrooms, weed, a little handgun, a bunch of cash...the guy robbed my cool guy drawer and left the rest." —Mark Normand ([36:35])

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Notable Moments & Timestamps

• Mark’s Netflix Special & Boulder Experience: [02:05]
• Self-Checkout Stealing: Principle or Poverty?: [03:45]–[04:30]
• Bread Baskets, Ketchup Charges & The Squeeze: [05:03]
• Vintage Car Trouble & Random Kindness: [06:37]–[07:47]
• Mark’s Wallet Cash Reveal: [33:54]–[34:48]
• Discussion of Bedwetting Trauma: [52:03]–[56:49]
• Horniness on Planes & The "Mile High Club": [48:03]–[51:04]
• CPS Called on Mark’s Mom: [74:49]

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Conclusion

Mark Normand proves himself both classic and unmistakably garbage—a veteran at finding the line between dirtbag-y pragmatism, working-class nostalgia, and true artistic success. Whether it's skirting self-checkout, sleeping on cash, or sharing humiliating childhood moments, the episode’s fast banter and honesty are more than worth the listen—with Mark’s quick wit leaving the hosts and audience in stitches.

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Transcript

[Tage Foley]

Hey, everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is RU Garbage. It's our little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that if they grew up to be classy, yeah, they're just a big old piece of trash.

[Mark Norman]

Trash, trash, trash.

[Tage Foley]

I'm your host, Tage Foley. Coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in a new edition. She's out picking up nightcrawlers.

[Kevin James Ryan]

He just fucking spit on it.

[Tage Foley]

The worms. My new co host is coming at you from right next to me. He's got a brand new special out there on Netflix. Give it up for Mr. Mark Norman, everybody. And our guests we couldn't be more excited about. Used to have the company. Got bought out by Norman kids. Got a little cash.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Check goes a long way.

[Tage Foley]

Give it up for KJ Kevin, James Ryan, everybody.

[Kevin James Ryan]

What up, gang? Shout out to you as always. Just make sure you rate view subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify. Climbing the charts over, baby.

[Tage Foley]

Top something in top 100 in all podcasts. Top one. No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't think so. Top 100 Eastern Regional, Southeastern Pennsylvania. We're on the list in top podcasts and we're in the top 100 on top comedy podcast.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, we're better than that. Get out of here. That things bought and sold and check out patreon.com. the greatest website in the whole wide world, gang. Check it out.

[Tage Foley]

Mark.

[Mark Norman]

Yo.

[Tage Foley]

You're a comedian.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Yeah, I just got back from the BAFTAs. I had Tourette's.

[Tage Foley]

I felt so bad for Delaware Lindo in that. I love him, man. He's the best.

[Mark Norman]

Poor guy. What'? Like, it's like a woke Nexus where you're like disabled or black. Who do we care about more, man?

[Tage Foley]

That was so. That's crazy.

[Mark Norman]

It's a crazy scenario.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Did we confirm he has Tourette's?

[Tage Foley]

Yeah, he was the guy that the movie that one was based on.

[Mark Norman]

Wait, really?

[Tage Foley]

Yeah. The guy that won best actor.

[Mark Norman]

Selma.

[Tage Foley]

The guy with Tourette's. His. He had a movie. And the guy that played the actor in that was the guy won best actor. Oh, he was great in it too.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't know.

[Mark Norman]

I don't know about this movie. Yeah, I haven't heard.

[Tage Foley]

Yes.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I think you might be making all this up on this spot.

[Tage Foley]

Do a little PR run here, buddy. Congrats on the special.

[Mark Norman]

Hey, thank you.

[Tage Foley]

It's Netflix.

[Mark Norman]

Netflix number two. It's a Fun hour. And now I got nothing nice back out there.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Kid span.

[Mark Norman]

He's cashed, I'm cashed out. Back doing clubs, back at the clubs, trying to work it out.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

But you know, you think like, hey, I've been doing theaters for a while. Go back to clubs. You still got to kill in the club.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I know sometimes you got to do it harder because you got to maintain that. That gets white hot and you got

[Mark Norman]

to keep it right there.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Ye.

[Mark Norman]

You know, the theater, like you got the dark room with the chandelier and the curtain. This is like I got a white

[Tage Foley]

trash guy going, this is my night out, dickhead.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Let's go. And yeah, there's a two drink minimum here. And you can always blame it on the theater. Not blame it, but just be like it's big and it's the bar. If it's a low ceiling and you can touch them and you're not doing well.

[Mark Norman]

See the whites of their eyes bombing

[Tage Foley]

at the Comedy Works in Denver.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Oh, the hottest club.

[Tage Foley]

Woo. The best. You did this in Boulder?

[Mark Norman]

Boulder, Colorado. I'd never been there. And we put up a theater date. It sold. So then we sold another one and another one. I said, let's shoot it there. That's three out of three shots.

[Tage Foley]

That's the way you did it. You did it on a win like that.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. And I was nervous cuz Boulder is a little crunchy, a little queefy little mountain town and. But no, they were, they were ready to go.

[Tage Foley]

See that? Look at that.

[Mark Norman]

I know.

[Tage Foley]

Look at this guy. He's killing it.

[Mark Norman]

Guy's good. Fun times.

[Tage Foley]

We, we've been asking people on the show lately, what's something that you do that makes you feel wealthy or classy?

[Kevin James Ryan]

And it doesn't have to be like a money thing. It could be like when I go to the store, I buy a lot of toilet paper to make sure I have it. Or like, you know, I'll tell you,

[Tage Foley]

you don't indulge on yourself because we

[Kevin James Ryan]

have one from a fan of wrote. He goes, having all my shirt hangers the same color or even the nice wooden ones makes him feel like he opens his closet. Like I'm put together. I'm a. I'm a wealthy guy.

[Mark Norman]

A wooden hanger is big when they make that clunk, clunk noise because the metal is like tang, tang.

[Kevin James Ryan]

They're all st together.

[Tage Foley]

I've had some bad hangers in my day.

[Mark Norman]

Oh yeah. But one thing I do that makes me feel rich is sometimes I'll go To the self checkout and not steal. And I feel like a king, like what an upstanding citizen I am. I could have taken those raspberries.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's not bad. Are you stealing every time you do this self checkout?

[Mark Norman]

Easily. Well, if I'm doing the work, I'm gonna take a little, little tip.

[Tage Foley]

I mean, not, not when you're on the road. Like here at the grocery store, if

[Mark Norman]

you're going for the family shop, Brooklyn crazy, they don't watch you. So I'm like, well, just put the. The salad dressing in the bag.

[Tage Foley]

You're famous, you're rich, you're stealing.

[Mark Norman]

It's a principle. I hate self checkout. Why am I doing the job?

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, I agree. Now, do you buy the bag there or do you bring your own bag?

[Mark Norman]

I try to bring the bag, but you forget, so I steal the bag too. Well, see, I gotta. I got a bone to pick.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Hit me.

[Mark Norman]

This world is changing. Used to be a country, this guy's

[Kevin James Ryan]

deep all of a sudden. It used to be all queefs and

[Mark Norman]

argument yet and come. All right, I'm still coming, but it's right here.

[Tage Foley]

Becomes a Christian comic.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So I like him in the middle. We got him right where we want them.

[Mark Norman]

Every restaurant used to give you. You go to a Mexican restaurant, they put chips and sauce on the table.

[Tage Foley]

Yes.

[Mark Norman]

Now it's $5. Okay, okay.

[Tage Foley]

No more bread baskets.

[Mark Norman]

No more bread baskets. No more bags. The bags cost a nickel, whatever it is. I went to a restaurant the other day. The ketchup was. Was extra money. No ketchup. I'm telling you.

[Kevin James Ryan]

The airport?

[Mark Norman]

No.

[Tage Foley]

Was it in the little bottle?

[Mark Norman]

Yes. So they, I was like, can I get two ketchup? And they brought the little bottle, and on the bill it said $3. So I was like, times are changing. Check out at a hotel. Used to be able to check in.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Don't get me started on PM now it's four. You get three hours at a hotel. You got to be out by 10. You get in at 6:30.

[Mark Norman]

They keep squeezing you.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's crazy.

[Mark Norman]

And it's gonna keep going. Things are gonna keep going. And I get it. The restaurants are getting squeezed too, but don't fuck us. The whole country's getting fucked.

[Kevin James Ryan]

The COVID really? They go, we need the extra time to sanitize the room. That was the big thing. That was the biggest. Hey, instead of, you know, instead of going out at 11 or noon, sometimes you'll be on the road. You will be like, what time? What time we got to hit the road in the morning. What time's checkout? And they go, noon.

[Mark Norman]

You go, whoo.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I can wake up. We can all grab breakfast. We can go somewhere.

[Tage Foley]

You got to.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's.

[Tage Foley]

That is lovely checkout.

[Mark Norman]

Love. The best. That's when you feel like a king.

[Tage Foley]

Very true.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You hear that?

[Mark Norman]

The vacuum in the other room. You're like, not me. I'm still here. I haven't finished jerking.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I still got first 48 going.

[Tage Foley]

Sometimes they knock on the door real early to clean the room though, the day you're checking out. What the fuck?

[Mark Norman]

Call ice on her. I mean, that's crazy. I'm trying to sleep here. It's a hotel. Why would you knock on the door at 8am what am I, a preacher?

[Tage Foley]

But let me ask you this. In your private life, do you and the Mrs. Do anything, you know, a little bit fancy? You got the car. You got the.

[Mark Norman]

The Beamer?

[Tage Foley]

The vintage car?

[Mark Norman]

Yes, yes.

[Tage Foley]

Where's that? Parked in a lot, I assume.

[Mark Norman]

Don't get me started. I just. I just turnpike. It shut down on me.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. Broke down.

[Mark Norman]

Broke down.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Jesus.

[Mark Norman]

So I had to. I had to push it. I was on the freeway. I had to push it down the ramp and then get in it because it was going too fast.

[Tage Foley]

Why did you just leave it there?

[Mark Norman]

I can't leave. It's a classic car. It's all I have. That's all I got.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

So I had to push it down. Then I got in it and I yanked it. No power steering. Got it off to the side of the road and I popped the hood. I'm looking in like I know what I'm doing.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Always think you're going to figure it out.

[Mark Norman]

Jersey, though, they're nice people out there. One guy saw it. I've told the story before, but one guy saw me, goes, you good?

[Tage Foley]

Yeah. I did hear this. Great.

[Mark Norman]

He brought me to my car, to his house. He got a tow trailer thing, trailed it up, brought it to his place like an hour away. We sat in the car, we chatted. I had dinner with his mom, with his family, and then I got an Uber and went home. And he goes, comedy at the end.

[Tage Foley]

No way. Where'd he get the car towed to his house. And it's still there?

[Mark Norman]

No. Then I called a friend of mine who's a mechanic in Philly and he goes, I'll go get the car and fix it. I'll charge you a million dollars. And then when you do the stress factory in New Jersey, I'll drive it there. I'LL watch the show and then you drive it home.

[Tage Foley]

Really?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. So I drove it home. No insurance, no registration, straight down the Holland Tunnel.

[Tage Foley]

Very nice.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Cold. I brought gloves.

[Kevin James Ryan]

A system of dirt bags around the tri state area.

[Tage Foley]

I like that. How much was it getting fixed?

[Mark Norman]

I don't want to talk about it

[Tage Foley]

because don't you have to go to like a. Like a specific kind of mechanic?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, well, this guy's good, but he said the only problem was my fuel valve had popped off the engine, so I was just shooting fuel out and it wasn't getting to the engine, so it wasn't even that big of a fix. But I could have killed you. I know. I know. I think I'd have blown up like a bomb. And I ran. Sorry.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I thought it was gonna be like

[Mark Norman]

a real specific, and I ran. Yeah.

[Tage Foley]

That's not the day to day car, right? You guys have another.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, no, no other car. That's it.

[Tage Foley]

That's it.

[Mark Norman]

It's a classic car. I live in New York. Where am I driving?

[Tage Foley]

What does the wife do if she's going to the grocery store, the kid or stuff like that?

[Mark Norman]

We live in Brooklyn. There's a grocery store right down the street.

[Kevin James Ryan]

There's a.

[Mark Norman]

There's a Target, there's Whole Foods and a Stop and Shop.

[Tage Foley]

Man, that's a tight ship over there.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And you're not. You can't be an Audi or. You probably love.

[Tage Foley]

Of course.

[Mark Norman]

You ever go to Aldi?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, I love Aldi.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's like a FEMA tent.

[Mark Norman]

What are you talking about?

[Tage Foley]

Fristed flakes and cocoa bombs or whatever they are.

[Mark Norman]

It looked like when they put people after Katrina, it's all messy in there.

[Tage Foley]

And those silver blankets.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Tage Foley]

I'm surprised you go to. You don't go to Whole Foods.

[Mark Norman]

It's too.

[Kevin James Ryan]

To quote him, too queefy.

[Mark Norman]

Queefy.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's like he does. I know, but it's like you can't get the stuff. Stuff you want.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You can't get the good brigade. You got to buy all their. And a version of what you really want.

[Tage Foley]

When you guys. When you guys did the house, you got like, you know, the good, good fridge and all that stuff. The range and all that stuff you spent.

[Mark Norman]

I. I blew it on all that. Yeah. Up. I should have got. No, I should have gotten that.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Oh, you blew. You got cheaper.

[Mark Norman]

Well, I just got the thing there. Like. Yeah, we got your fridge and they all did it. And I, I don't. I don't have the cup in the Fridge, door. You know that thing, the water I up.

[Tage Foley]

You could have got the sub Z that you can't see.

[Mark Norman]

I might do it in a year or something. Redo the, redo, Redo the fridge and stuff.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's an investment. It pays off in a long run.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. I'll tell you one thing. So I got my baby now. And he's walking, which is fun. I'm close. Yeah, it's a good time.

[Tage Foley]

Got him stealing.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Put him in a big coat.

[Mark Norman]

Put you in his diaper. Yeah, but he took the remote. We can't find it. This is ruining my marriage, dude.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I just. I just found it in a place. He had put it somewhere. Like he crawled away with it.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And it was under a mat and I caught it out of the corner of my eye. I'm like, that would have ruined. That would have ruined a week.

[Mark Norman]

Yes.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Because you got. You're looking for it, then you go blame her. And you're like, it's probably under the couch. Lift it. And then you got to order one. It's like a multi day process.

[Tage Foley]

I thought about this last night. My dad used to do this pretty dirtbag move. He puts it in his pocket if he gets up from watching TV to get something to drink.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Jail. That's what they do in prison.

[Tage Foley]

So nobody changes the channel.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's fucking smart.

[Mark Norman]

He's a man of the house, got to do well. So he hit the remote and we're flipping the house over, can't find it. And me and my wife had to talk. It was brutal. Have a conversation. We didn't know what to do. I tried to fuck her. She said no. It was horrible. Then I found it like three days later. That was a long three day. It was like Covid. I had to take walks and shit. It was brutal. But I found it was in an old shoe. The kid slipped it in a shoe.

[Tage Foley]

Slippery one.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Yeah. He's got sticky fingers like his dad.

[Tage Foley]

But no, like night. You guys go to nice dinners, Spa day.

[Mark Norman]

Well, she's good. She's a normal human being.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, she seems normal and you know, a little tasty of the. Of a nicer lifestyle than. She's a cockroach comic. What do you mean?

[Tage Foley]

He walked here?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I know. In the rain. He came in covered in water.

[Mark Norman]

She wasn't with me like for New Year. She's like, what should we do for New Year's? I'm like, let's stay home and watch TV and have a couple drinks. And she's like, what? Let's go On a trip. So we went to Miami, stole a loaf of bread.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Somebody I know. I was texting somebody, and they were like, I think I might have talked to you about this. This is, like, very soon after you had the baby. I was like, my buddy texted me. He's like, my other friend is in the Bahamas maybe or something, because he thinks Norman's at his resort. And I go, I think he just had a kid, like, four weeks ago.

[Mark Norman]

I did. I'll send you a photo.

[Kevin James Ryan]

He goes, no, he's. I think he's there. And he sent me a picture of, like, across the. You were in the casino with a baby.

[Tage Foley]

Like, he's all went together.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tage Foley]

Nice.

[Mark Norman]

Well, we couldn't leave. The bay was brand new, and we felt bad. It was.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I was like, I don't know if you can travel with a baby.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, I put that thing on the beach. I mean, it shriveled like a raisin.

[Tage Foley]

Was it for a gig or just vacation?

[Mark Norman]

It was a gig to vacation. Florida gig, I think, in South Florida, and then pop down to the Bahamas and great time. I don't like resort life. I don't know about you guys.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I like it for a couple of days. For like, a few days. It's not. I'm not a big vacation guy.

[Mark Norman]

I'm not moving. I got to get.

[Tage Foley]

Be by 3, 4 days, get all fucked up at the pool, then go back.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's. That's all I need.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, but with a baby, it ruined it. Like, it's not a vacation anymore.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Trust me, it's ruined everything.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, I know I'm fucked up at 11pm and you're like, whoo, I'm riding high. I'm smoking a cigar out in the beach. And then you're like, oh, this baby's gonna wake me up at 3, 4, 5, 6, and then 7, I was up.

[Kevin James Ryan]

My baby's just getting up at 5:00am Every day. Ah, he's sleeping through the night, but it's.

[Tage Foley]

Talk about a buzz kill.

[Mark Norman]

This is why Epstein's island must have been hell. Candy everywhere. Toys. Hold on.

[Tage Foley]

Oh.

[Mark Norman]

All right. There we go.

[Tage Foley]

I can match that, and he won't want it. I got. I got zepbound farts that'll clear out the room.

[Mark Norman]

Bring it on. I'm going to hit a Zen from your fart.

[Kevin James Ryan]

All right, let's get into some garbage questions from the old Patreon A guys. As you know, when you join a Patreon, we will answer your garbage question on the air, and it could be answered by the one and only Mark Norman. All right, let's see here. This is from Freaking the Sheets. Ten dollar timeshare holder. Never had one read. What's the longest you have gone without health care?

[Mark Norman]

I've never had it. I still don't have it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Since you've been out off your parents plan or whatever, since you're a kid?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Tage Foley]

You don't have it now?

[Mark Norman]

No.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's crazy.

[Mark Norman]

You know how much money I saved not having it? You just throwing money away every month.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You're not wrong. You're rolling the dice though.

[Tage Foley]

Does the baby have it?

[Kevin James Ryan]

The baby's got to have it.

[Tage Foley]

Are you just paying retail? You might just be paying retail.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, the baby's got to have it. Your wife got the baby health care?

[Mark Norman]

Maybe. Maybe? Yeah.

[Tage Foley]

That's crazy.

[Mark Norman]

Is that illegal? You're what? What?

[Tage Foley]

To not have it? Yeah, I don't think so.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I mean, I think as long as you're paying the bill, I wouldn't tell Mondami.

[Mark Norman]

Well, when's the last you've been to the hospital?

[Tage Foley]

You gotta. You gotta switch.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, you do?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I didn't. We just. We got health insurance through the company. All these bozos. Really?

[Mark Norman]

You got it through the company?

[Kevin James Ryan]

We take care. We take care of the boys.

[Mark Norman]

Wow.

[Kevin James Ryan]

The boys are very well compensated.

[Mark Norman]

A real corporation. Here you are. Wow.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's also not a bad tax write off at the end of the year. And I can throw it in her face whenever I.

[Tage Foley]

United. Isn't it the best.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You got the best plant. Because I was. Because I was having the baby.

[Mark Norman]

Luigi. 1:1. That was United Healthcare.

[Tage Foley]

Oh, was it?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Sell, sell, sell. Yeah. Yeah. Well, so wait, you got healthcare for the company?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I have. I haven't used it in the year. We've had it.

[Mark Norman]

That's a lot of money gone.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You're not wrong.

[Mark Norman]

And I'm a healthy ox. I'm an ox.

[Kevin James Ryan]

He's in good shape. Although he drinks, does drugs.

[Mark Norman]

I do drink quite a bit.

[Kevin James Ryan]

He goes for all of them. I mean, he's got 90.

[Mark Norman]

Really?

[Tage Foley]

Yeah. I always go and push for tests that I probably don't need.

[Mark Norman]

Whoa.

[Tage Foley]

Do fake symptoms. The whole nine yards. You just had a stress test.

[Mark Norman]

You like it A little bit.

[Tage Foley]

I just like to know, you know what I mean, Because I'm so bad, so out of shape and fat and old and gross.

[Mark Norman]

Have you gotten any crazy diagnosis?

[Tage Foley]

A small penis?

[Mark Norman]

All right. No, everything's good for that.

[Tage Foley]

I got a little. My endoscopy was a little bit. A little bit of Barrett's Esophagus, but nothing to worry about. Colonoscopy, clean heart, little blockage.

[Mark Norman]

That's it. All right.

[Tage Foley]

Yeah, that's it.

[Mark Norman]

So you're okay?

[Tage Foley]

Yeah, I'm all right.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I mean, you know, we got to keep him fucking. You got to keep him alive here.

[Tage Foley]

I check, and then I do bad stuff. And then you. You know, when I go back and they say, you're okay, I'm like, all right, sweet.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

But he's not good because he. He gets, like, a clean report card and goes, I can up the rest of the semester. You know what I mean? I got A's. I can go. I'll level out with a C. It's

[Mark Norman]

like, when you go to the gym, they eat a cake after, you know, because you feel good about going the.

[Tage Foley]

This was like a year ago. I asked my cardiologist just from the. You know, back in the day doing blow and stuff like that. I was like, what kind of damage long term does that do to your heart? And he was like. He's like, in the moment. Like, if your heart's a little clogged and you do it, it could. You could have a heart attack.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Tage Foley]

He's like. But long term, after the fact, it's not that bad.

[Mark Norman]

All right, so we got that going.

[Tage Foley]

Yes. We split a bag, me and him.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Hunter Biden's kicking ass. He's out there.

[Kevin James Ryan]

He looks pretty good, too.

[Mark Norman]

So does rfk.

[Tage Foley]

Yeah. Heroin addict.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah. See him in the jeans? He's like 75 or something.

[Tage Foley]

See? Gotta do drugs.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Everybody's on T. You gotta get Tee up.

[Mark Norman]

Everybody's on T. Him up. Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

We did something very, very fancy. We. We both joined Equinox.

[Mark Norman]

Whoa.

[Kevin James Ryan]

For the snack.

[Mark Norman]

You guys have changed. What happened?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Trying to get healthy, man, or trying

[Mark Norman]

to, you know, you go to the rec center.

[Tage Foley]

Be smart. We did it for a month because we're shooting something in about a month. We wanted to tighten up a little bit.

[Mark Norman]

All right. All right. Good luck getting out of that one. That is a tough contract.

[Tage Foley]

They're hitting me up every day about this, that, and the other thing.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I know.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, it's like college.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Meanwhile, we stopped going two weeks ago.

[Tage Foley]

There's no ass in the steam room. I bounced, but that's not.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's faint. You.

[Tage Foley]

The.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Of the. The towels all smell like you. Yes. It's like that's. That's when I go. The other half is live the other side of the. The. The rich people of New York of the world are living a very refined

[Mark Norman]

Very different life, lifestyle. Well, you know, gays don't go to heaven, but they got equinox. Yeah. And it's just as good. I mean, holy in there. Smells good. The steam room is a hookup factory.

[Kevin James Ryan]

The broads. My God, the broads.

[Mark Norman]

Unbelievable. But a smoothie in there is $18.

[Tage Foley]

Jesus. And we wanted to get him that one day, and you said no. He went to Juice Generation.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It was upstairs.

[Tage Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I go get mine on a straight. Go to the bodega to get.

[Mark Norman]

I love the guy at the gym upstairs, though.

[Tage Foley]

I was so mad when I got there. And there was stairs. Like, what?

[Mark Norman]

The elevator at the gym.

[Kevin James Ryan]

We stand out, though. For sure.

[Mark Norman]

It's.

[Kevin James Ryan]

We're not sure. We got bad gear.

[Mark Norman]

He's on the eucalyptus. Or not eucalyptus. He's on the elliptical, smoking.

[Kevin James Ryan]

He's on the ice cream truck.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Tage Foley]

They're not as judgmental as I thought. We did do good for a little bit. But then I had one bad day where I locked myself out of the locker. And it was brutal.

[Mark Norman]

Damn sure brutal.

[Tage Foley]

Nobody would help me. Look at me funny.

[Mark Norman]

Damn.

[Tage Foley]

Yeah, it sucked.

[Mark Norman]

Getting humiliated. The lockers all over again. Like high school.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I gave him a swirly. It was a whole thing.

[Mark Norman]

What's that, 350amonth?

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, see, this is. This is the common misconception. Yeah.

[Tage Foley]

It's not as exclusive as it was.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, I mean, we're in there.

[Mark Norman]

Sure.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Two. Two people have made a career off being fats dirt bags. You smoke and drink. Right. The baseline entry is like. We can just use the one in the neighborhood with, like, no classes.

[Mark Norman]

Okay.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's like 150 or 119 or something.

[Caller/Guest]

It was closer to two.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't know, but get a check on that.

[Tage Foley]

But we can't go during prime time hours. If there's a certain amount of hot chicks in there, we can't come.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And we have to mop up at night with the cleaning staff.

[Mark Norman]

Okay. Got it. You go off peak? Yeah, no, we're. It's.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm a citizen there. I'm allowed to do whatever the.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. You're an American.

[Caller/Guest]

210 to 255 for a single location?

[Mark Norman]

No way.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Or is that on the website?

[Caller/Guest]

That's. Yeah, I mean, that's Google.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, you're good. You're bad on Google. Go to the web. I say it's one something a month.

[Tage Foley]

Mine was like three, I think.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, look at that.

[Tage Foley]

Charge about a pound.

[Kevin James Ryan]

All right, let's see here. What else we got?

[Mark Norman]

I go rec center. I Got the guy with the black socks, the old man, which I don't.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I would go. I mean, we did. There's one two blocks away. So it was like, okay. It was easy to do while we were here.

[Mark Norman]

Rec centers night. They play pickleball on the, on the basketball court. The one time you get. You get the ghetto black guy. And then there's like a weird old Puerto Rican guy who's like 50, and they both play music and they hate each other. Yeah. And it's fun to watch because I'm in the middle, like, look at you idiots. Because this guy's like, hey, it ain't your gym. Turn the music down. The other guy's like, what ain't your gym? And they just stare at each other.

[Tage Foley]

Like with the speaker. It's a speaker.

[Mark Norman]

Just speaker. I got the salsa music and then the rap music and they just play it at each other.

[Tage Foley]

That wouldn't fly at Equinox.

[Mark Norman]

That's a good point. No Puerto Ricans there.

[Tage Foley]

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Yes, gang, it's march, and that includes International Women's Day. A moment to celebrate women's strength and progress while also recognizing how much they carry every day. Between caring for others and managing unseen responsibilities, their emotional well being can be easily overlooked. We want to remind women how much they matter and that therapy offers space for them to take care of themselves in a way that they deserve.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Every bozo out there has a mother, a wife, a girlfriend, a sister who's facing their own sort of struggles. I'm learning firsthand what, what kind of challenges and struggles motherhood provides. These pros ain't got it easy out there, so you got to make sure the women in your life are taking care of themselves. And better health therapists work according with a strict, strict code of conduct and they're fully licensed in the US they have the therapist match commitment. They'll find they'll match you with the therapist so you can focus on your therapy goals. A short questionnaire help you identify your needs, your preferences, and they have 12 plus years of experience in the industry leading match fulfillment rate.

[Mark Norman]

What do they.

[Kevin James Ryan]

They know what they're doing is what I'm trying to say. Your emotional well being matters. Find support and feel lighter. Whether you're a guy, a girl, anything in between. Find support and feel lighter with therapy. Sign up and get 10% [e-mail] garbage. That's betterhelphelp.com garbage. Do it. Yeah.

[Tage Foley]

Kevin's Talk about Mars. Men.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Shout out to Mars Talking about trt

[Tage Foley]

but doing it naturally. You know what I'm saying? We all get to a certain age, things start slowing down. You don't make as much testosterone, but you don't want to be doing that hardcore stuff because it shuts down your body's natural way of making testosterone. People are focusing on Mars Men. It gives you the same benefits of optimized testosterone. Energy strength. Focus without shutting down your. Without shutting your body down, which you don't want. No synthetics, no needles, no dependency. It's like hitting a reset button on your hormone factory instead of shutting it down. Just real natural ingredients like tongate ali. I'm going to butcher these, but zinc, boron and more.

[Mark Norman]

You're starting to boron me.

[Tage Foley]

And that supports your healthy T levels which supports your stamina and your recovery. Do it naturally, baby.

[Kevin James Ryan]

With Mars Men, yes. It's made right here in the US of A and third party tested. There's a 90 day money back guarantee. So there's no risk like there is with other ways to do it. Your worst case scenario is you don't absolutely love it and you get your money back. But over 91% or 91% of users report higher energy levels. Thousands of guys are feeling incredible results. Just check out the reviews on the website and see for yourself. For a limited time, our listeners get 50% off for life plus free shipping and three free gifts@ Mengotomars.com that's Mengotomars.com for 50% off plus free gifts when you check out. After you purchase, they'll ask you how you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them the boy sent you.

[Mark Norman]

Do it.

[Tage Foley]

I'm still amazed at no insurance. That's crazy.

[Mark Norman]

No. No insurance, dad. No insurance or health. No car insurance either. I tried to sign up once and it was. It was confusing and I gave up.

[Tage Foley]

Is your. Your license might be suspended.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. That's a good.

[Tage Foley]

Because mine got suspended for. I turned my car in and something happened with the state and they thought I had a car with no insurance and they suspended my license.

[Mark Norman]

Whoa.

[Tage Foley]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Holy moly.

[Tage Foley]

And they take the car after you get pulled over.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, no.

[Tage Foley]

They bring you in.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. You locked up.

[Mark Norman]

We talked.

[Kevin James Ryan]

We asked the cop the other night.

[Mark Norman]

Really? Oh, boy.

[Kevin James Ryan]

He's like, you can get law. He's like, it depends. Oh. Then someone, we were talking about it and he was like, nah, not really. And someone's like, we look for that because that's easy. Paperwork.

[Mark Norman]

Please help me out. I don't know how to Sign up.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I can't do it for car insurance.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, it's a lot of pages. And call the general jargon.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I mean, listen, I did it through Geico and I've added cars and gotten new car and like, change cars. It's. You can do it in an app.

[Mark Norman]

It's like, oh, really?

[Kevin James Ryan]

All right.

[Tage Foley]

Yeah, I did it. I'm the dumbest person on the planet.

[Mark Norman]

I tried.

[Kevin James Ryan]

In his defense, your license is currently suspended.

[Tage Foley]

That's true. It is.

[Mark Norman]

Good point.

[Tage Foley]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

So. All right.

[Tage Foley]

Dirty.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, same.

[Kevin James Ryan]

All right, let's see here. This one's from throb low. $20 money launderer. Never have one read deer Waste management is a garbage store dress shoes in crown royal bags. My dad does this with every pair of shoes he's had for as long as I can remember. That's pretty. I mean, because nice shoes come in bags. Come in a bag.

[Mark Norman]

True. Isn't that interesting? It's the opposite of cereal.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Wow.

[Mark Norman]

Cereal. Good cereals in a box.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, but a bag in the box.

[Mark Norman]

True, but if it's just a bag, you're doing whole.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You're jammed up.

[Mark Norman]

It's kind of like death. You want to be in a coffin, not a body bag.

[Tage Foley]

Very true.

[Mark Norman]

Ah, very true. Somebody write that down.

[Tage Foley]

Are you gonna get cream or do you want to be buried?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Bear?

[Mark Norman]

Well, do you have a will?

[Tage Foley]

How about that?

[Mark Norman]

No. Do I have a will? She gets. Yeah, yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

This guy hasn't signed his name in 10 years.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, exactly. No will. I haven't thought about it. I should though, the way I'm living.

[Tage Foley]

Yeah, you think you're a homeowner, you got a kid.

[Kevin James Ryan]

These planes are dropping out of the air left.

[Mark Norman]

That's true. That's true. And we got a World War 3 maybe on the horizon.

[Tage Foley]

But the plane thing, if that happens, everyone's getting paid. So you're good.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Good.

[Tage Foley]

My best. My best case scenario is if we get in a plane crash and I get taken out.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So our plan is if he dies on earth, like on the ground, I gotta we can to burn him onto a plane and hope that plane crashes so he gets paid by Delta.

[Mark Norman]

There you go. I like it.

[Tage Foley]

Like a million bucks for that.

[Mark Norman]

There you go. Don't go spirit because they have a weight fee.

[Tage Foley]

Do they?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, I'll be putting you in the overhead.

[Mark Norman]

50 bucks or more. 50 pounds or more?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. You should get a will. I don't have one. But I mean, it just defers. Your wife would get everything.

[Mark Norman]

I bet I could chat GBT a will. Sure. Easily, yeah.

[Tage Foley]

What do you mean? To have it done.

[Kevin James Ryan]

They do everything, and then you just print it out. And if you sign it, that's gonna

[Tage Foley]

be notarized, isn't it?

[Mark Norman]

I got a clamp.

[Tage Foley]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

I'll hit it with a Maker's mark,

[Kevin James Ryan]

a little bit of wax.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Tage Foley]

In the house of Norman. That's funny. But do you want to be cremated or buried?

[Mark Norman]

Oh, well, cremate is nice because there's no hassle.

[Tage Foley]

And it's cheaper, too.

[Mark Norman]

It's cheaper. My dad had to bury my mom, and his sister was like, get a good coffin. And he's like, this is like $13,000 for this coffin. So we put them in a, you know, in an old royal bag. There you go. Big crown royal.

[Tage Foley]

And in New Orleans, it's weird, too, right? Don't you have to be buried above ground down there?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, because of the flooding and the voodoo.

[Tage Foley]

That shit's creepy.

[Mark Norman]

Mausoleum.

[Tage Foley]

We call it a New Orleans cemetery.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Is that where you would want to be buried? Where do you want to lay? Lay to rest?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, I guess.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You're in New York. You've been in New York for how long? 20 years.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, but I don't want to be out here. The rent's too high. Put me in the New Orleans dirt.

[Tage Foley]

There you go.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I respect that.

[Mark Norman]

But the cremated.

[Tage Foley]

What do you think, I'm creamy? I want to get cream at it, because I don't. I want to. Want to be. I want to still be at somebody's house.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, on the mantle.

[Tage Foley]

Yeah, for sure. I'm gonna be left alone like an.

[Mark Norman]

That's a good point.

[Tage Foley]

I'm going to your house.

[Mark Norman]

No, you're not.

[Tage Foley]

You're getting a little piece of me.

[Mark Norman]

No. Little broken.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Keep you here.

[Tage Foley]

It's pretty good.

[Mark Norman]

That's not bad.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Keep you here.

[Tage Foley]

I like that.

[Mark Norman]

Put it right on the shelf.

[Tage Foley]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

What about you? Box or bag? Box.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I would like frozen. I freeze my head. I would like to be. And I would like to be buried in, I believe, like, you know, standard burial. But I also want to do an Irish wake, ideally Patty's on Second Ave.

[Mark Norman]

So you. What is that? You get drunk?

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, they just lay me down like they lay the dead body on the pool table. And everybody does shots around me.

[Mark Norman]

Me. He'll crack it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Wait a minute.

[Tage Foley]

Put quarters on your eyes.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yes. To pay the boat man.

[Mark Norman]

That's dark.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's fun. You never seen that in Irish Wake?

[Mark Norman]

I thought it was a myth. Thought it was like a movie thing. No, no, no.

[Kevin James Ryan]

They used to do that back in the day for days.

[Tage Foley]

Probably smelled in there.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Sure put me in a walk in.

[Tage Foley]

That's pretty good, Christopher. That's not bad.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I am holding beers for everybody.

[Mark Norman]

Slap your dick, Frankie Carbone in there.

[Tage Foley]

That's funny.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's. I've always said a funeral is like the. You cannot hide the trashiness of a family or a person at a funeral.

[Mark Norman]

Thousand percent.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's like, it's more indicative. Indicative than a wedding because, like, the outfits, the. The emotions where it is, it's just.

[Tage Foley]

You have less time to prepare too.

[Mark Norman]

Right.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's like, oh, it's this Friday. You're like, all right. Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

It is strange that a funeral you wear a suit to. Because it's a depressing day. You should dress shitty. You should have, like, stains on your sweatpants.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, like, I'm so sad I couldn't put a suit on. I'm depressed.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Everybody's moping around.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, my funeral dressed down, that's pretty good. That's a bit. A wedding I get, but a funeral? Come on. I want Crocs and, like, a tank top.

[Tage Foley]

Seeing trashy people cry is something else too.

[Mark Norman]

Sure.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You know what I mean?

[Tage Foley]

Some guy with a mullet crying. You never saw cry before, right? Yeah, when they break down.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, good point.

[Kevin James Ryan]

One of the. One of the early AYG questions. I remember we got it at the stress factory of, like, one of our early shows was like, is it garbage to take your family photo at a funeral? And they do, because that's. Everybody's dressed up. Only time when everyone's dressed up together, that's good people. It'll be like people's Christmas card, right? From a Nana's fucking.

[Mark Norman]

It's kind of brilliant. I mean, you're killing two birds.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't hate it.

[Tage Foley]

I respect it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

All right, let's see here. This one's from the bug man. Fourteen fifty dollar homie. North of the border. How you doing? Getting jammed up on that conversion rate. Never had one read. Are you garbage if you use all your sick days after putting in your two weeks notice at work.

[Tage Foley]

That's.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's how you do it.

[Mark Norman]

Say it again.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You use your sick. You put in your two weeks notice and then you go, oh, by the way, I'm using my five sick days.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, one week. Oh, that's brilliant.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's this guy. That's it. Especially if it's a big corporation and

[Tage Foley]

you're like, yeah, not using your sick days is nuts. But always bang that out.

[Kevin James Ryan]

The thing that I always thought the last job I. The last, like, corporate job I had was at a law firm. And you acquire. You acquire the sick days. Like, you. Like, if you get whatever say you got, you know what you acquired? Your sick and vacation days. So say you got five sick days a year and two weeks vacation every month. You would earn, like 0.25 days or what?

[Tage Foley]

More.

[Kevin James Ryan]

More. No, like, you started zero.

[Tage Foley]

Oh, what the fuck?

[Kevin James Ryan]

And then, like, after the first couple of weeks. Yeah, you. You acquire them so you don't have them all in one shot.

[Mark Norman]

Sucked.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I was always having to borrow days and be like. Like, I got three days, but I want to take five. Can you lend me to. What do you got?

[Tage Foley]

Wait, from other people?

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, no, from them. But you always had to ask of, like, hey, can I borrow?

[Mark Norman]

Sure.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Two days. I get two days on the front.

[Mark Norman]

Damn. It's like a loan. You gotta. You gotta ask for a loan to get the money, then you give it back, I guess, later.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. Or like, as you acquire them, they just take them back away.

[Tage Foley]

I've never had a job that had anything like that. Paid vacation or sick days or bonuses or anything like that. That never.

[Mark Norman]

I had Casual Friday once. That was about it. We had that.

[Tage Foley]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That was the most corporate job I ever had. I always worked, like, real small businesses, and so we had that. And then our bonuses were Amex gift cards.

[Tage Foley]

I remember this. But you got. You got hooked up with those.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So there was this big. It was a. It was a big law firm, and they had all. They all had corporate cards and they. I mean, it was like, crazy. They were there, like, loaded. So they would get 50 gift cards, and then I would get. They would give those out, depending on, like, how you worked, I guess. So I would get $800 right before Christmas in what all. I would.

[Tage Foley]

That was a good two weeks, baby.

[Kevin James Ryan]

16, 50 gift cards to Amex. You can spend wherever you can spend. Amex. And, man, me and him, that was a good hit.

[Tage Foley]

A deli hit a hot bar.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Six packs here. Buying a bottle. Fantastic. That was like. The tax check came. It was great.

[Mark Norman]

One time. This is the highlight of my life. I got a gift, like a. One of those prepaid Visas. Yeah. So, like, oh, this has 50 bucks on. I was like, hey, fun. It's not like a gift card. We can only use it at Old Navy. Sure.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's like, wherever they accept Visa.

[Mark Norman]

So it must have had a glitch because it never ran. It's not. It, like, kept going. So I would just keep running it and I'd be like, approved. Hey, all right. You go to Chipotle, and it would run. And I. I think I used that thing for about nine years. No. Yeah. You couldn't go over 50, but you

[Kevin James Ryan]

would, like, you could keep reloading.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. It must have a glitch in it. And, man, I bought a lot of drinks. Good time, wife's gifts, everything.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Wait, dude, Wife's gifts? You were doing this recently?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tage Foley]

Jesus.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Also. But you're buying your gift. Wife's. Your. Your wife gives under $50.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, you got that right.

[Tage Foley]

A bunch of little things. Big stocking stuff for God. I.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Spoiler.

[Mark Norman]

Well, the. Be like, this is how trashy I am. I keep the card in my drawer at my desk. Desk.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You never know what it is in case it reactivates.

[Mark Norman]

Just. And it gave me so much joy. I'm like, I'm keeping you right here. Like, that was like.

[Kevin James Ryan]

If you got the Spice channel. You never changed the channel. You just hold it and you're like, we're riding this out till the power.

[Tage Foley]

You don't tempt fate.

[Mark Norman]

So true.

[Tage Foley]

Do you keep your old credit cards? I imagine you do.

[Mark Norman]

Nah, I'm not a. I only have a one debit. I'm a debit guy.

[Tage Foley]

Oh, my God. That's right.

[Mark Norman]

Because credit, you can get two. That can get you into trouble. You start buying in golf clubs.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You got that right, buddy.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Look at this.

[Mark Norman]

All credit.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Oh, you guys got health care on an amex.

[Mark Norman]

Exactly.

[Tage Foley]

You just have your debit card.

[Mark Norman]

Debit. Because it takes it right out of account. It's real money. Credit's all fake bullshit. And then they get you.

[Tage Foley]

I would love to see what you spend a month. I bet it's probably under 300 bucks.

[Mark Norman]

I'm big cash guy, so you don't even know what I'm buying.

[Tage Foley]

Really?

[Mark Norman]

I'm under the table.

[Tage Foley]

I like that.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Spot pay.

[Mark Norman]

Spot pay.

[Kevin James Ryan]

A lot of spot pay going to the atm. Because you got spot pay.

[Mark Norman]

No, no, no. Walking around money. And then my openers. I asked for cash at the theater.

[Kevin James Ryan]

At the club. Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

And I give them cash at the theater.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Or.

[Mark Norman]

Or club, whatever.

[Kevin James Ryan]

The theater's giving you cash.

[Tage Foley]

I love.

[Mark Norman]

They do. They give you a couple grand in cash if you ask for it. Really? Yeah. But watch out if you're in Vegas. Let's say bye to that.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Oh, sure. Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Titty bar. Yeah.

[Tage Foley]

Thought you meant getting robbed or something.

[Mark Norman]

No, no, no.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Jesus. Okay.

[Tage Foley]

What do you usually have on you? What do you got on you right now?

[Kevin James Ryan]

200 bucks.

[Mark Norman]

I think I'm doing all right. We can count it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Let's go.

[Mark Norman]

Let's do it. I want. You got to make a bigger guess.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Can we. Can we get. Can we get a. Can we get a glimpse?

[Mark Norman]

No glimpse. No glimpse. No glimpse.

[Tage Foley]

Let me ask you. This was this year you worked today? You did the. The pod earlier?

[Mark Norman]

Yep.

[Tage Foley]

Okay, what do you got tonight?

[Mark Norman]

Two shows, two spots in the city in New York.

[Tage Foley]

Are you going to dinner or anything like that?

[Mark Norman]

Now who are you talking to? I'm gonna eat at the Cellar and get a free wing.

[Tage Foley]

My man. All right. I'm gonna say. You got 300 on you? Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm going to say 540.

[Mark Norman]

Whoa. Good skateboard trick. Yes. All right, we'll see. Oh, look at that.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Has a couple. I see also. Is it in. It's not in order.

[Mark Norman]

Covid Vax card, dry cleaners, dry cleaning, movie ticket.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Is this Uma. Uma Thurman's number?

[Mark Norman]

Uma Jerry. All right, there's two. You can keep that. Thank you. 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 6, 7. Hundo.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Hundo's on the back. 9 Honda.

[Mark Norman]

I just got back.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You have only hundreds and ones. Hundreds. Crazy dude.

[Mark Norman]

Well, I got a gig. And I did a strip club.

[Kevin James Ryan]

If that's not the duality of Mark Norman. I got hundreds and I got ones.

[Tage Foley]

So that was. That never got to the house in your wallet.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, but I will drop this off later.

[Kevin James Ryan]

What was on that? 12.

[Mark Norman]

What was that? I think it was 12 and 12.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Oh.

[Mark Norman]

7, 3, 4, 5, 6, 6, 7. And I took Sally to a diner for lunch today.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Ah, Salad pews.

[Tage Foley]

Very nice.

[Mark Norman]

Wow. So there you go, folks.

[Tage Foley]

Not bad. That's from. That's pay from Vegas.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. And look, I got a couple more of these, and I got a. One more coffee. That's the best coffee in New York right there.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Buy five drinks, get one free Puerto Rico down there on Bleecker Street.

[Mark Norman]

That's right.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Very good. They got good, good coffee right across from Percy's Pizza.

[Mark Norman]

That's right where we used to.

[Kevin James Ryan]

We were village rats for a very long time.

[Mark Norman]

This. This puppy will get you out us a ticket.

[Tage Foley]

Sure. 2023.

[Kevin James Ryan]

They expire every year. Man, you really do like a deal. You're like my mom with Coles. You have any Coles cash on you?

[Mark Norman]

I got some Chuck E. Cheese bucks in here. All right.

[Tage Foley]

This was the best part of my week. I stopped that right now.

[Mark Norman]

This should be a segment.

[Tage Foley]

I got your 2023 PBA.

[Mark Norman]

Hell, yeah.

[Tage Foley]

And the other night, I got this 2026. Brand new.

[Mark Norman]

Blue lives matter. Yes, sir. Holy.

[Tage Foley]

Love that. Just love having.

[Mark Norman]

Sure. I don't even know what this is. Coffee club card.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Freaking part.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, you never know.

[Kevin James Ryan]

At any participating sicko station in the Florida area.

[Tage Foley]

Cafe latte. Wow, look at that.

[Mark Norman]

50 and you get a sub.

[Tage Foley]

But obviously you don't usually carry that much with you.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, we're really getting in front of this for the robbers. Yeah, he's depositing that later today.

[Mark Norman]

Well, you know about my break in. Sure, yeah. They took all my cash. My cool guy drawer. I had a drawer with like mushrooms in it. Some weed, a little handgun, a bunch of cash.

[Tage Foley]

At the new place?

[Mark Norman]

No, at the old place. The guy crawled up my window, opened the drawer. Perfect score. Walked out. I had a computer, a laptop, a TV, iPad, all this shit. He didn't take any of it.

[Tage Foley]

No shit.

[Mark Norman]

Just took the cash.

[Tage Foley]

He went right for the cash.

[Mark Norman]

Crackhead.

[Tage Foley]

Did he look around?

[Mark Norman]

No. Because he had crazy footsteps. Like he had mud on his shoes. So he walked across my bed, which bummed me out. And then he went right. You could see the steps. It went right to the drawer and took all the cash. Left it. I had fireworks in there. A Playboy.

[Tage Foley]

That sounds like an inside job to me. He went right for the drawer.

[Mark Norman]

Well, they caught the guy.

[Tage Foley]

Okay.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, it was like a weird lever.

[Tage Foley]

The big dog. We love you, buddy.

[Mark Norman]

The bed was still not broken, but yeah, he took everything and then skedaddled.

[Tage Foley]

Have they catch him?

[Mark Norman]

Fingerprint. They did old school dusting and they caught the guy like three months later of robbing another apartment.

[Tage Foley]

No kidding.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Tage Foley]

Get the money back?

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, it's cash.

[Tage Foley]

Cash spent that night, you know.

[Kevin James Ryan]

We find anything? You ever find anything? Nope.

[Mark Norman]

No.

[Tage Foley]

Holy shit.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Wow, that's. Yeah, that.

[Tage Foley]

That would bug me out. Yeah, I don't like that.

[Mark Norman]

Very violating.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't even like being in here alone at night. Oh, never gets me creepy. I lock the door, creepy.

[Tage Foley]

The fire escapes, I don't like them. Kip, I'm talking to you about Warby Parker.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Listen, I don't wear spectacles, so lay it on me thick with this Willoughby Parker.

[Tage Foley]

Well, I'm going to tell you, I remember the first time I heard the name word Parker. Your ears perked up a little bit.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Wow. What's that?

[Tage Foley]

If you wear glasses. You know, it's. It's kind of brutal sometimes to find style at a good price. That's before Warby Parker. You got Warby Parker. Now you're looking fresh and fly. You can literally try on glasses on your phone before you buy. It's wild how well it all actually works too. It's amazing. And before Ruby park you didn't know what you were wearing. We're talking about the combination of style, color and prescription sunglasses. Whatever you need, Warby Parker's got you covered.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yes. Warby Parker doesn't just offer incredible prescription glasses. They have everything you need for happier eyes. That includes, I'm talking contacts, online, eye exams, sunglasses all in one place which makes everything feel so much easier. They also have over 300 retail stores across the US they're taking. Talk about growing click and mortar. How you doing? Honestly, I gotta be honest with you, I've Warby Parker for years has been advertising on podcasts. That's how I first found it. And when I, I saw how good the service was, I went, man, I kind of wish I wore glass.

[Tage Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

At that time was early before the technology of trying them on. They'd send you a hand. They send you a box of five, you go I like these, I like these. They go, Bob just sounds coming to your door. They know very cool name. Warby Parker gives you the quality and better looking, better looking prescription eyewear at a fraction of the going price. Our listeners get 15% off plus free shipping when they buy two or more pairs of prescription glasses at warbypocket.com/garbage. That's 15% off when you buy two pairs of glasses at Warby W A r b y parker.com garbage after you purchase, they're gonna ask you how you heard about them. Please support the show and tell them the boy sent you.

[Tage Foley]

Do it kid. We got talking about Huel, Huel, Huel, Huel. He's talking about a complete meal. Ready to drink. Do yourself a favor, get over to Huell. Let's be honest, what does breakfast actually look like? It probably ain't good, huh?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. And listen, that's like very important because I know for me, as you know, I'm tightening it up. So is the big man doing great? Down a lot of weight. Breakfast. If you start breakfast off the bed, it's a slippery slope in my experiences personally.

[Tage Foley]

Give Huell a try.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yes. Listen, Huel, if you're trying to eat better, you realize you need something quick and complete. That's the black edition, ready to drink. RTD ready to drink. It's good for breakfast post workout. If you got a meeting coming up, school drop off errands, boom. Black edition, ready to drink. It's got 35 grams of protein, 27 essential vitamins and minerals. No artificial sweeteners, no colors, no flavors. It's gluten free. It's under $5ameal and it's got a complete meal. So you can literally grab it and go. It's got the same high protein, same complete meat benefits. Got flexible flavors. You can add fruit, nut butter, ice, etc. Whatever you want.

[Tage Foley]

There you go.

[Kevin James Ryan]

For a limited time offer, get your Huel today at our exclusive offer for 15% off online with our code [e-mail] ayg new customers only. Thank you to Huell for partnering with the program and supporting the show. Fill out the post checkout survey and tell them the boy sent you. We love you. All right, let's see here. This is from T. Burton. Never had one read. Is it garbage when someone says they almost invested in something that later became a big thing?

[Mark Norman]

Oh, that's a great.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That is a dirt bad.

[Tage Foley]

That's fair.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I almost got into fucking. I had a buddy's dad.

[Mark Norman]

I don't know.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You might not know them maybe from doing the road so much. Rita's water ice. They're huge in like Jersey, Philly, Delaware. They've expanded a bunch.

[Mark Norman]

But how do you water and ice? How you pick one?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Do you know what. Do you know what we call. It's a Philly thing. Water Italian shaved ice.

[Tage Foley]

We call water ice. You don't know Ritas.

[Mark Norman]

That sounds like something an Asian guy would say.

[Kevin James Ryan]

He's trying to order it somewhere.

[Mark Norman]

Like, I want rice. Oh, you want one?

[Tage Foley]

He'd love a reed. Frita's is great.

[Mark Norman]

I love it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Ice, good Italian ice, but we call it water ice and sounds like the

[Mark Norman]

Coast Guard water ice. They're out there popping people coming into the country. All right, sorry.

[Tage Foley]

Pretty good.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And he was like, I had. I could have got in for 12 grand. I could have got into readers before it blew up. And it was like, that'd be like owning a Wawa, right? In Philly. It was like the prize. And I used to tell people, I go, my buddy, you know, Justin almost got in on it.

[Mark Norman]

That's a great one.

[Tage Foley]

I do a version of that all the time where because I was in high school in 94 and everybody was Yahoo. Like, if I just would have invested in Yahoo.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, but you do. Like, if I just like you didn't. I mean, you didn't know who. Yeah. For one. You'd have any money?

[Tage Foley]

No, I didn't even know what it was. But if you just would have invested in that, you'd Be all right.

[Mark Norman]

And that's what they call you.

[Tage Foley]

Look at this.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's also everybody. Every dirt bag kid I grew up with. If we could just get the next Facebook, he would. He dropped out of Harvard and you're like. Yeah, because he didn't need it anymore. He became a billionaire.

[Mark Norman]

Apple was a big one. Apple stock. No one did it.

[Tage Foley]

Scrub Daddy. Who invented the scrub Daddy? He'd be killing it.

[Mark Norman]

Man jam. Wow. Don't get me started.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Squatty Potty.

[Tage Foley]

Squatty trouble.

[Mark Norman]

Those guys usually end up Squatty Potty. Yeah. Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I figured you would have known that. That's. That's right up Norman's topical alley. Cameras in the squatty potty pornography of. Not the cool kind.

[Mark Norman]

Wow, that's crazy. Oh, I had something. I lost it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Did you ever have, like a.

[Mark Norman]

Well, yeah, I got it back. Sorry. Yeah. Speaking of trashy shit like that, I checked in on a friend today or the other day. Lives on a houseboat.

[Kevin James Ryan]

We were just talking about.

[Mark Norman]

I want to go.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I want to. I want to do the Key. I want to do Tom Dustin's Club. And I want to stay on a houseboat.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, that's a dream.

[Tage Foley]

Where's the boat at? Where's the park? That's.

[Mark Norman]

It's. It's on the Gulf. It's, like, outside New Orleans.

[Tage Foley]

Okay, that's cool.

[Mark Norman]

Pretty cool. Cool.

[Kevin James Ryan]

But it's got to wear thin a little bit.

[Tage Foley]

Depends where you are. You're doing that in Cleveland, on the Great Lakes. That's bad news, right? San Fran. You get away with that? That's. Of Florida. You could do that.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Maybe Flint, Michigan. They got good water there.

[Tage Foley]

My aunt had one.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's crazy to me.

[Tage Foley]

By the Borgata.

[Mark Norman]

Whoa.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You can't do that. Over the winter, though.

[Tage Foley]

She would stay at. She. Instead of getting a room at the Borgata, she would stay on the boat and just gamble at the Borgata. Unless she got a room.

[Mark Norman]

Damn. Was she single?

[Tage Foley]

She was widowed.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah. Did he fall off? Damn.

[Tage Foley]

Ended up sinking the boat. Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Did you visit?

[Tage Foley]

No, I never went.

[Mark Norman]

All right.

[Tage Foley]

I was never invited, but I dig that. That'd be cool.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I think it'd be like. In theory, it would be fun. I think there'd be something like, you know, after a while, wildly depressing of like getting off land onto your home every day. Yeah.

[Tage Foley]

Eventually you shoot yourself.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You got barnacles on your house and that, you know?

[Tage Foley]

Is he a comic?

[Mark Norman]

No, no, no. He's like a fish guy. He's like a wild. What do you call those Recreation, dude.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I like that. If that is your lifestyle. Like, you know, I know a couple kids from South Jersey were like, they're like first mates and stuff like that on, like, fishing boats where it's like, that's their life is like. Yeah. They live on and by the docks.

[Tage Foley]

I couldn't do it, like, below deck. That'd be cool.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, that's a fun time. But you ever done a cruise?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, yeah, we did a cruise together.

[Mark Norman]

Sorry I blacked out. But you just look out that porthole and it's just nothing but uncharted waters. It makes you go crazy. You want to kill your wife. It's like, stir crazy.

[Kevin James Ryan]

When we pulled away, I was having, like, a real existential crisis of, like, I'm just stuck out here.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And, like, I really had to, like, talk. And we were. We were like one of the first shows on whatever we were doing. We were like the first hour, and I was just like, oh, man, this is weird. It's really moving. It's freaking me out. We're gone for the next four days.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't know. And it's a. It's a mind fun.

[Mark Norman]

The worst about a cruise, you bomb on a cruise. You walk around the cruise. Everyone's.

[Kevin James Ryan]

They saw.

[Mark Norman]

It's like, you live with these people now. They're in your neighborhood.

[Tage Foley]

They're giving you tags and.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, but the soft serve, like, what do you. What was that one bit?

[Tage Foley]

My dream was to be a cruise guy, like a cruise comic. But then I found out all the rules. You can't, like, guess and like that.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You stay, like. Unless you're low deck. You stay below deck.

[Mark Norman]

Right.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You don't eat in the common area. You. It's like. You're like, you know, it's like, you know, slave quarters a little.

[Mark Norman]

Right, Right.

[Tage Foley]

If you can't hook up with the guests, I know what's running on the sea. Pineapple. Having fun?

[Mark Norman]

Pineapple.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I did like a cruise, though. I was anti. Well documented on the show. I was anti cruise. It's a good time.

[Tage Foley]

Burt's was great.

[Mark Norman]

It's fun. You need the right. I did the Joker's cruise. I was a little wholesome.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Sure.

[Mark Norman]

The Bert one was wild.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That was fun.

[Mark Norman]

We were gambling every day. I have a great photo of us at a craps table.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Let me see it.

[Mark Norman]

I'll find it. We're all wearing Hawaiian shirts. And we are. We're all wearing sunglasses. We're slumped over. We look rough.

[Tage Foley]

Oh, I remember that. We were all fucked Up. Yeah, yeah. Over to the left hand side. Yeah, we were.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I was losing so much fucking money

[Tage Foley]

playing that dumb game.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I was getting it advanced because they could put it on your room. I spent everything I spent and that's it. And everything we made, I was just losing.

[Mark Norman]

Same, same.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Brutal.

[Tage Foley]

What was the game we were playing was like red light, green light.

[Mark Norman]

It was red rover.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, that's. That was a good time. That was a great drinking.

[Mark Norman]

And the shows were actually solid.

[Kevin James Ryan]

The shows were. Everything was better than I thought. And then we had that little. Is where he. You guys stayed up there in the fucking, you know, in the captain suite. Has a nice little palatial hang.

[Mark Norman]

Got lucky. My manager booked the whole thing, so she got me a nice little side room.

[Tage Foley]

That was very nice.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, we were down there with the Italians, man.

[Tage Foley]

Yikes.

[Kevin James Ryan]

We were. No, we had.

[Tage Foley]

It was nice. It was nice.

[Mark Norman]

Stay together. Same bed.

[Tage Foley]

There's a lot of action going on in that cruise too. Oh yeah, with the upside down pineapples and swingers.

[Mark Norman]

Oh.

[Tage Foley]

Apparently there was like a little message board.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Oh yeah, they all like all meet up on Facebook of like, hey, I'm about that lifestyle. Let's meet at this bar. We'll all swing and stuff like that.

[Tage Foley]

How do I get into that? Tough as a fat guy. I guess you gotta have a chick or something.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Unless you find a fat chick.

[Mark Norman]

But yeah, that's a thing. You're a fetish.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, you know, successful podcaster, actor, TV personality.

[Tage Foley]

Very true.

[Mark Norman]

Something about those waters. You get that boat on the water and women get a little more uninhibited.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Maybe that's why the houseboat works. Oh, you just, you know, you just need to get it over the edge a little bit.

[Mark Norman]

Good point. Get off.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Hey, get off land. Everything's wacky out here.

[Mark Norman]

Something clicks.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. We could go down at any minute.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Take a plane. That's why I'm always horny on planes.

[Tage Foley]

Are you?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I mean, I'm not. Not that hum will get me going. I've had to hide some boners for.

[Mark Norman]

Oh yeah, I got a boner immediately on a plane. I don't know what that is.

[Tage Foley]

We're a couple of freaks.

[Mark Norman]

You have the. The nudity on a plane. You're watching the movie and there's a nude scene.

[Tage Foley]

You're like, oh, that Fry can't.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Dude, we were flying. We were flying to Rochester. Whatever. A couple, a month or two ago. I'm in. I'm in 1A, right? He's in 1B. Because it's the tiny little guy. It's the 1 and then 2 front.

[Mark Norman]

Got it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So we always get those. You know, that's like the best seat in the house.

[Mark Norman]

The best seat.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You got a window seat and an aisle seat. That's all I need in life. No window and an aisle. I can look out the window. I can pee. I can do it as I.

[Mark Norman]

Sure, it's a four minute flight, but

[Tage Foley]

still, I like that up and down.

[Kevin James Ryan]

The first time I realized, I'm like, oh, this is just like a car. It was the flat flight to Buffalo. You don't even get up high.

[Mark Norman]

No.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And you're just like above.

[Mark Norman]

Love that. Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm like, this is like a car. Right above the eye half of that

[Tage Foley]

right post them, they stop hitting the gas like halfway through.

[Mark Norman]

That's true.

[Kevin James Ryan]

But this woman next to me, older, and she had a. Like she was in very good shape.

[Mark Norman]

Older.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, you know, 60, maybe.

[Mark Norman]

Okay.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And she had a blouse like a sweater.

[Tage Foley]

Rich lady.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Rich lady. Like a. Like nice tight jeans, a button up sweater and like nothing under the sweater. She should have had a blouse under this, but didn't have anything. And I could see through the butt and just her lace.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, dude. And I was like, I love a lace bra.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I was fixated on this.

[Mark Norman]

Still bangable.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Oh, I mean like 60.

[Mark Norman]

That's what's not.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Ted Danson's wife, Mary Steenberg. Yes. Very similar to her. Even like past, you know. Wow.

[Mark Norman]

Okay. Okay.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Not now.

[Mark Norman]

I like an old brother, a buddy.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Right. Right in my wheelhouse.

[Tage Foley]

Jamie Lee Curtis. I've always had a crush.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, well, we saw our tits growing up. Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And then what. What's the.

[Mark Norman]

What's the one where she's come closer to the bed? Oh, yeah.

[Tage Foley]

Blowout. I think

[Mark Norman]

Trading Places. Yes. Pull that up if you can. I want to see that later. I forgot. They're perfect tits. Yeah, she's all right. I don't love the short hair, but what are you gonna do? I love the short hair, man.

[Tage Foley]

It's funny, I didn't know where you were going with that. With the flight thing.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, I didn't either.

[Tage Foley]

I thought there was a guy like reading a Hustler next.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, but I was just like, oh, the porn, the porn. And the hum of this little small jet going. I got these side boob going. I got him behind me breathing on my neck.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah. Well, that's why the. The. What do you call it? One Mile High Club. What's it called? What's it called?

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's the Dory Take Mile High Club.

[Mark Norman]

That's it. That's why that exists, because you get. You get something going.

[Kevin James Ryan]

How does that work? Well, I know a friend that did it.

[Tage Foley]

I could barely fit in there myself.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You're in there jerking off. Door's still open.

[Mark Norman]

Hitting the wall with your hand.

[Tage Foley]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Well, the thing is, they did some study. And you can look this up there, fatty. The plane makes your emotions go up. That's why you cry during movies. Explain. Yeah. So 911 must have been wild. You're like, ah, God.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Crying.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. So I think you get horned up too, more. Everything is heightened.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Well, it's like fate. You're like. This is. You know, even if you're not afraid to fly, there's still this, you know.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

In. You know, something in primal thing.

[Mark Norman]

Menu 100.

[Tage Foley]

I just got hungry.

[Mark Norman]

Huh?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Over what?

[Tage Foley]

In the air. And when I'm on. In the plane.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Oh, you just. I think I said I just got hungry. Based on this conversation.

[Mark Norman]

What else is new?

[Tage Foley]

Like a Stanza Meats. You ever do that? The Mile High Club?

[Mark Norman]

No, I never did.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Do you jerk off on a plane?

[Mark Norman]

I have once.

[Tage Foley]

In the thing or on at the seat?

[Mark Norman]

It's a helicopter. Yeah, helicopter's great. You shoot it right out the door. Sucks it right up. I did the jerk off once because Fitzsimmons does it every fight.

[Kevin James Ryan]

A lot of. A lot of guys do it a lot. I think Pete Holmes did it a good amount.

[Mark Norman]

Wow. So I got my head in the bathroom. In the bathroom? Yeah. So, yeah, the bathroom. I did it once and I. I've only on a plane twice because it was an emergency, but that ain't fun.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, I've done it once or twice.

[Tage Foley]

I never go to the bathroom on a plane.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, I pee every time.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I pee a hundred times. I'll get up four times, easy.

[Mark Norman]

And if you're, you know, putting them

[Tage Foley]

back, I hold it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Really crazy, dude.

[Tage Foley]

I think it absorbs drinks and I just don't, don't, don't pee.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It absorbs back in them. We'll be in here for like eight hours. I'll pee one time.

[Mark Norman]

We should do a tech. Because I was a bedwetter, so my dad made me stretch my bladder, my blood. I cannot pee for hours.

[Tage Foley]

Stretch your bladder?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, it was like an old school remedy. Like he's like, your bladder's too small. You pee in the bed, stretch it out so you can.

[Tage Foley]

During the day. He would, like, give you. Make you drink water.

[Mark Norman]

Water. No, piss. Oh, yeah. He's boot camp.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You gotta check Isn't that emotional, is it? Bed. Weddings. More. I don't.

[Mark Norman]

It's all trauma. Yeah, I had a lot of trauma.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, me too. I used to pee like really. Oh, dude.

[Tage Foley]

Rubber sheets.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I remember. Yeah, we had. I had plastic.

[Mark Norman]

Me too.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So we didn't ruin the bed. So much mattress and. Yeah, exactly. And then I remember. I remember the noise it made. It was a monitor and it hooked up to my underwear.

[Mark Norman]

I had this too.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And it would. If it got any dick. Tiny dick.

[Mark Norman]

Well, mine shorted out. I peed all over. Short circuited it and it was.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It was supposed to wake you up. I guess you didn't roll in it, but like you still. It didn't stop you from.

[Mark Norman]

Didn't stop you.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I didn't get. I never.

[Mark Norman]

It was supposed to train you to go, oh, I have to pee or I'm peeing, get up. But it didn't work.

[Tage Foley]

That's funny. Yeah, it is all emotional. Yeah, peeing.

[Mark Norman]

What was your trauma? All right, we don't have to get it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, no. I had to think about.

[Tage Foley]

I mean, had dinner one time at 9 o'.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Clock, freaked out.

[Mark Norman]

Equinox is closed.

[Kevin James Ryan]

My dino nuggets weren't done. No, I get parents, divorce a bit of a psychopath.

[Mark Norman]

That'll do it. That'll do it. Well, you turned out all right. I mean, you seem pretty well adjusted.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm pretty nuts.

[Mark Norman]

Okay.

[Tage Foley]

Especially in the mornings. You'd be a crude man.

[Mark Norman]

Ah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Oh, get over it.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, boy.

[Tage Foley]

What was your trauma?

[Mark Norman]

I think the break ins. We had a lot of break ins in the house. It freaked me out. Freaked me out. Saw a couple guys breaking in. Saw a guy run out, run through my lawn with a TV under his arm. And I was a kid.

[Kevin James Ryan]

He.

[Mark Norman]

I bumped into this guy. I was home alone in this bad neighborhood and this big dude was like, oh, hey. And I was like, hey, how are you? Because I was just a gullible seven year old. And he's like, where's your dad at? And I'm like, oh, I'll go find

[Tage Foley]

him for you in the house.

[Mark Norman]

I was in the house. We talked, me and the robber. I bumped into a guy breaking into our house. And he goes, where'd you get that guy?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Playing it pretty.

[Mark Norman]

He played it pretty quick.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Hey, where's your dad at? I'm here to look at the toilet.

[Tage Foley]

Yeah, buddy, good to see you.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, he. He switched it on me and he's like, I'm a worker. I'm a worker. And I was like, oh, okay. Like he's working on the house. And I bought it completely. And I said, oh, let me go find him for you, sir. And I ran out to go find my dad. I was like, dad, dad. And I look out the the window on the second floor and he's running through the backyard with a tv. Oh yeah. And I was like, huh, how about that? I didn't, I didn't get it for a second. I told my mom later, she's like, woo.

[Tage Foley]

Your dad must have been pissed.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, he was pissed. He's like, you let the TV go.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's nuts, dude.

[Mark Norman]

Good times.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. That's why I pee the bed. I haven't in a while though. Just so everybody out there knows.

[Mark Norman]

Same.

[Tage Foley]

I had a guy called my house one time when I was maybe like 11, and I wasn't thinking anything and he started asking me about my mom's birthday. He's like, I work with your mom. We're gonna get her a present. He's like, what kind of underwear does she wear? And I didn't even think about it.

[Mark Norman]

I know this guy.

[Tage Foley]

I don't know. And he's like, she'll wear like panties. And I'm like, panties? I don't know. And then I yelled for my mom and she picked up the phone, she's like, what?

[Mark Norman]

Back?

[Tage Foley]

And then freaked the out.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Yeah, it was like a perv.

[Tage Foley]

Yeah, it was a perv.

[Mark Norman]

Who.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Oh, that's pretty. I guess. I mean, but that was pretty victimless. I guess you're getting a little.

[Tage Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Freaked out.

[Mark Norman]

But did he pinpoint your mom? That's the scary part. Or was it a rando?

[Tage Foley]

No. Yes, he had. I think it was around my mom's birthday too.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, that's weird. Yeah. Then you start wanting, who the is this guy?

[Tage Foley]

Yeah. Some creep Roller.

[Mark Norman]

That's an inside job.

[Tage Foley]

Probably my dad, bro.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's how he gets off a fat ass.

[Mark Norman]

That's kind of healthy thinking about it. Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

A little role play.

[Tage Foley]

Yeah. Put me in the middle the of.

[Mark Norman]

No, it turns me on talking to little boys about panties.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It was bad. I remember then I'd be like, I'd have like sleep. Oh, I'd be like sleeping over my buddy's house. Even like way past of me peeing my pants.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And my dad be like, don't forget to like, I call my dad. He'd be like, don't forget to go to the bathroom. I'm like, yeah, I'm 18 jerk off.

[Tage Foley]

Oh, that's embarrassing.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I tell like in front of my friends, but like on the phone, he'd be like, don't forget, like, hey, can I sleep at Henry's house?

[Tage Foley]

Pee in the bed in the sleepover.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't think that's ever happened. I would stay up sometimes.

[Mark Norman]

Dramatic. You've done that too? Yeah, a couple times. One time I went to bed, I was sleeping on, like, a little cot at my friend's house. I wet the bed. I wake up, and the mom is. They're all standing above me looking at me because they could see the pits.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You're on an operator.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. And I was like, oh, hey.

[Tage Foley]

And my breakfast ready.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. My friend goes, why do you do that? And I was so cr. And the mom goes, get up, get up. Because she had to clean it. So she was, like, furious. She was a single mom.

[Tage Foley]

What the.

[Mark Norman]

She was a British cunt. And she was like, yeah. And I was like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. And you just wet, you know. Oh, it's brutal.

[Tage Foley]

They give you a change of clothes?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, I gotta change. I got like a bathing suit dress or something.

[Tage Foley]

Dad's old clothes or something. Yeah, man, that's brutal.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, it's brutal. But I would stay up too, like a. Like a war guy, you know? You're like, I'm on stakeout.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'll watch the line, boys. I'll watch the line.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Tage Foley]

Drop all night.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Damn. Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. I ruined a couple wrestling buddies. I mean, I peed a lot.

[Tage Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Then it was weird because as I started drinking, no friends of mine ever really peed. I was the only, like, as kids that peed the bed. And then as I started drinking, you know, people get drunk and pee and whatever, like, blackout. Wake up and start peeing on, like, the TV or something. I never did that. But all my friends who didn't pee the bed as kids all started peeing as adults.

[Mark Norman]

What?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Like, you know, they pee the bed. They get black out.

[Mark Norman]

I see. You didn't do it. I blacked out. I would pee all over again. It, like, triggered it again.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I think I peed in my dirt, my clean clothes one time. And in college.

[Mark Norman]

Okay.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I remember standing there, and then, like, the next morning, they were all, like, damp, and I'm like, I think I peed in the toilet.

[Mark Norman]

Right.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So I just threw them back. Right back in the. They were already in the hamper. Just throw them, right?

[Mark Norman]

No. One night stand. Piss. I did that a few times. I was like, r. Kelly.

[Tage Foley]

Oh, pee in the bed after a. One night.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Then you wake up and she's like, oh, like Yeah, I bummed her out at night and in the day.

[Tage Foley]

Yikes.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I remember one I. I had. I was at this girl's house. I pooped neck, dudes. Not in the bed, but in her bathroom. But it was connected. Like, it was like in her room.

[Mark Norman]

Small room, Small room.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Bathroom in the room. And I was just after. After. In the morning. I'm in there. Left. Like, it was one of those things where I'm like, I. In my head, I'm like, I gotta get out of this house. But I'm like, there's nothing around here.

[Mark Norman]

Here, right.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Like, I'm gonna end up my pants. Like, I'm not gonna make it out the front door.

[Tage Foley]

I would have my pants, dude.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I.

[Mark Norman]

It was a Jeff Daniels.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Shower on. I got the. I got the sink going. I'm banging stuff. It was.

[Tage Foley]

Was she awake?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Oh, yeah. She. I think she did the right thing and acted like she was sleeping, but.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah.

[Tage Foley]

You ever see her again?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Tage Foley]

Really?

[Mark Norman]

Really. It's his wife. Love you, honey. Oh, man. You just had to go that bad bed?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, it was just like I was drinking all night. We probably had like cheese fries, pizza, you know, she wasn't.

[Tage Foley]

She wasn't that.

[Kevin James Ryan]

She wasn't the skinniest gal around.

[Mark Norman]

Well, she gets it. She's had a couple of.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Split a meatball par at 3am after the ball.

[Tage Foley]

I was at a wedding one time, and we all got a big house and stayed there and somebody's younger cousin was there, got all up and she crawled into bed with like, one of her cousins and her husband and. And threw up in the bed while they were all sleeping. My husband woke up and was like, what the.

[Mark Norman]

How young she was.

[Tage Foley]

Maybe probably in college or something like that.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, that's not that young.

[Tage Foley]

Yeah, it was brutal.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, man.

[Tage Foley]

It was a talk of brunch.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Sure.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I. I remember one time, the last time. This is when I was like, I'm done sleep. Like, we were in college, we went up to the Poconos. I'm like, we all got a house. We're all like, that's the best roof of us. This was like, I was like in the. I don't know, one of the rooms that had a queen size bed. And like, I went up and passed out and my buddy Pat, I woke up and he was in bed with me. Like, we're just drunk. Like, you know what I mean? I woke up and he had a girlfriend at the time. I don't know if she was like, living or whatever, but like, he woke. He was, like, drunk, and I was laying in bed, and I'm in my boxer briefs.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And he's got his finger, like, in my underwear. Like, in the band. Like, I guess thinking I'm his girlfriend or something.

[Mark Norman]

I'm like.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Like, just like, lightly slap. I don't know what's happening. I'm like, slapping it.

[Tage Foley]

I got a headache.

[Mark Norman]

That's great.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm on the rag.

[Mark Norman]

Honey, you got shave finally get the off.

[Kevin James Ryan]

He's like, I didn't know what was happening. I'm like, I think you might feel

[Mark Norman]

the tough to crack hair you got back there. Jesus Christ. Also, and. And puking in a bed is wild. That's a. It's like a speedball.

[Tage Foley]

Yeah, I've done it recently. The bed.

[Mark Norman]

No.

[Tage Foley]

From the Z Bound. Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

You won't shit on a plane. You should in a bed.

[Tage Foley]

I can't shit on a plane. It's too small.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, it's too small.

[Tage Foley]

Yeah. But I come out there, it's gonna be. Everyone's gonna get it.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, good point.

[Tage Foley]

Bad news.

[Kevin James Ryan]

But this goes back to. How do you get in there with the lady?

[Mark Norman]

You could do it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I know, but in my head, I'm like, what if you open the door and someone's just standing?

[Mark Norman]

There's a stand. Of course.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Like, there's no way to not have your cover blown.

[Mark Norman]

They're gonna know someone's there.

[Tage Foley]

I think it's got to be the bathroom. That's around the corner in the back.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, that's what it is.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That.

[Mark Norman]

That's what.

[Kevin James Ryan]

They're not doing it. Like, New York. They're not doing it. JFK to Rochester.

[Tage Foley]

Yeah. Not the front one. Yeah. No.

[Mark Norman]

Although that's all the time you need.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I could do it 44 times.

[Tage Foley]

There's a video. People got caught there. Everyone was waiting for them to come out of the bathroom. They were all sitting there.

[Mark Norman]

Whoa.

[Tage Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Fake, but yeah.

[Tage Foley]

Okay.

[Mark Norman]

Guy who burst the guy's bubble. I'm that guy, too. I'm like, do you see this video as a girl jizzing or peeing while getting a tattoo? And. And everybody's like, that's so fake.

[Tage Foley]

Cake.

[Mark Norman]

I was like, I bought it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm buying all that. This kid was lost in the woods, and the wolves found him, and he lived with the wolves.

[Mark Norman]

Obama monkey video. I thought that was real. I mean, it was. I'm bad.

[Tage Foley]

It's funny. Your stepmom's not stuck in the dryer.

[Mark Norman]

The.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I've seen. That one's real.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, that's hot. I love stuck porn.

[Tage Foley]

Yeah, Hippie too. He likes.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't like. That's crazy to say.

[Tage Foley]

I love it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I've consumed it.

[Mark Norman]

Sure.

[Tage Foley]

That's your thing. I would say that's not my thing. He likes older ladies.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah. Oh, how old?

[Tage Foley]

I got everything else.

[Mark Norman]

What do you mean? Huh?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Me?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Caller/Guest]

28.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, how old do you like them?

[Caller/Guest]

I mean, you know, Lisa Ann was a big inspiration early on.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, she's great. Yeah.

[Caller/Guest]

So it's like, I think that kind of really drove a lot of that.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Caller/Guest]

Desire.

[Mark Norman]

I hear you. I hear you. Well, now it's weird. I have a kid, so I'm like, MILFs are peers, you know, they used to be like MILFs and now I'm like, oh, my wife's a MILF, you know.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Sure.

[Tage Foley]

It felt different when you were a kid though. The mom did so much older.

[Mark Norman]

I know.

[Tage Foley]

And like sexier. I don't know what it was.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, they were a little like out of shape. The makeup was a little thick, the hair was a little thin. It just worked. Yeah, that kind of hot trash, like minivan hot.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Amen, sister. I'm picking up what you're putting down.

[Mark Norman]

You know, jeans with like rhinestones on them.

[Tage Foley]

Going out with the girls. Hairdresser, Being a hygienist.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

High hair, high hair, smoking hoop earring, Barbara Lights going.

[Mark Norman]

Lipstick on the teeth, Little Bob Seeger.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I just described my stepmom, by the way.

[Mark Norman]

A Michelob light Virginia ex stepmom.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I would not.

[Mark Norman]

But you thought about it. I mean, how could you not as a red blooded man?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't, I wouldn't say I thought

[Tage Foley]

about peeing the bed. What do you mean?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, I was also very young when she came in. She didn't come in when I was like 14, I think, like.

[Mark Norman]

Okay, okay.

[Kevin James Ryan]

She was around when I was. Was six or like maybe even younger.

[Mark Norman]

Well, you know that's the number one porn genre in America is stepsis. Because I think we've all had that thought.

[Tage Foley]

Stepmom.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, well, it's also like taboo, but it's not wrong.

[Mark Norman]

Stepmom.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's not legal, it's not illegal. Frowned upon.

[Tage Foley]

Yeah, it's area not to be crude or whatever, but I'm a big stepdad. Stepdaughter.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't like the. I don't like the age. That guy's always got a goatee. That's not great.

[Mark Norman]

That's true.

[Tage Foley]

I'm an older guy though.

[Mark Norman]

He's a grunter. Always a grunter. Slacks on?

[Tage Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Anybody else on? Let's get on. Let's get on a flight.

[Tage Foley]

Welcome back to Are you a creep?

[Kevin James Ryan]

All right, let's do a couple more here. Let's see. This is from OJ's wife's boyfriend. I don't even get OJ's wife's boyfriend. $10 boner. Never have one read. What's the least valuable thing you've ever inherited from a dead relative? When my grandma died, me and all the grandkids got to pick one Beanie Baby from her collection that she kept behind glass in her living room for years. Turns out none of them were special edition collectibles, just regular ass Beanie Babies.

[Mark Norman]

Damn, that's trash.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't think I've ever inherited anything.

[Mark Norman]

Same. Yeah. Nothing. I think a couple bucks. My grandfather left me some Cleco stock.

[Tage Foley]

That's pretty good.

[Mark Norman]

You know Cleco, Coleco? No, no Cleco. Look that up. Give that vision.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, that's Coleco.

[Mark Norman]

I think it's a small energy company in Louisiana.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, sometimes they get bought out and you could get a paper.

[Mark Norman]

I think so. I haven't touched it. I don't know how to do anything with stocks.

[Caller/Guest]

Is it the metals company?

[Mark Norman]

Maybe. Is it out of Louisiana?

[Caller/Guest]

No, it's out of Canada.

[Mark Norman]

Ah, fuck.

[Tage Foley]

How long ago is this?

[Mark Norman]

1988.

[Tage Foley]

You could be a millionaire. You don't even know it.

[Mark Norman]

Maybe. Well, check out. It's C L E, C O. I remember looking at the, the certificate for like five hours, thinking I was hot shit.

[Tage Foley]

Your grandfather?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, Dad's dad, Mom's dad. Korean War. Really? Yeah. Fighter pilot Kim Jong Un.

[Tage Foley]

Those Korean War guys were tough.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah.

[Caller/Guest]

Trading around 18 right now.

[Mark Norman]

Hey, I got one stock.

[Tage Foley]

One share.

[Mark Norman]

One share.

[Tage Foley]

Give you one share.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, Sonny and share.

[Tage Foley]

So you have 18 bucks.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I guess it could be worth, right?

[Mark Norman]

Even after this much time, doesn't it build up?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, I mean, it used to be like two bucks.

[Mark Norman]

Okay.

[Caller/Guest]

I mean, great return on your investment.

[Mark Norman]

All right, I made $20.

[Kevin James Ryan]

But could there be a thing where it's like. I don't know how it works, but like, if that's like originally issued stock, couldn't that. Couldn't they, like, it could multiply that split and it multiplies.

[Caller/Guest]

That happens. I'll do a little research on Cleco.

[Mark Norman]

Please. Now I'm curious.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I remember getting. I remember finding I was going away to college and it's like it was that I was just always so bad with money and just a drunk idiot that it Was like, any money I got, I spent on beer, cigarettes, gambling, whatever. So that summer I was like, I'm saving up. I'm going to college with. With five grand.

[Mark Norman]

Here we go.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Come August 1st. I'm leaving in three weeks. I got nothing, dude. I'm scrounging the house, looking for stuff I can sell. Let me sell my snowboard. I sold hockey stick. I'm going to like, you know, like, what can I. What can I hawk for a couple of bucks here? And I found like a treasury bond or something in my name that I got from my baptism. And I got like 350 Baht. Dude.

[Mark Norman]

Okay, that's something.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Blew that before I even got to college. Sure. Sold a little bit of weed the week leading up to it. That's made a couple hundo.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Tage Foley]

A couple savings bonds.

[Mark Norman]

Weed is legal now, which is nice, but you can't sell it like you used to. You should be able to sell some weed, make some extra that, like, you

[Kevin James Ryan]

know, there was hand. Not that much, but times in college where I'm like, me and my boys, like, let's get some weed. We'll sell it this weekend. Not that much, but enough. Like. Like, we'll all make a couple hundred bucks.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You know, and.

[Tage Foley]

And I think a lot of people still do go to their guy, you know, their original guys, though. You think?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Luke, do you go to. Do you have a weed guy?

[Caller/Guest]

No, I'm going legal now. My guy. I used to have my guy. I've been smoking a little less, though, so. And he only sold it by the ounce.

[Mark Norman]

Just so convenient.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

But like, I mean, I know in like the. Like, I live in Washington Heights. In the Heights, it's still.

[Mark Norman]

There's still a weed guy on the street. Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You're still like, you know, buying from.

[Caller/Guest]

Usually better, honestly.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Really?

[Tage Foley]

Yeah.

[Caller/Guest]

The dispensary stuff kind of stays on the shelves a long time. And I think like, the government to like, clear it to make sure it's all good.

[Mark Norman]

Interesting.

[Caller/Guest]

You're getting straight from Cali, baby.

[Tage Foley]

Boom.

[Mark Norman]

Whoa. All right. Good for you. Small business. There we go.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Selling weed.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Let's do.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Why let's start doing. Not doing porn, but let's invest in a porn company. Everybody write a check. Five grand.

[Mark Norman]

Boom.

[Tage Foley]

I got good ideas. I always.

[Mark Norman]

I could see that.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Just you jerking off. POV of me.

[Mark Norman]

I hate pov. I don't like it either. I want to see both of them. Yeah. Yeah, I'm with you story. Sure.

[Tage Foley]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Well, that's good. About 70s porn is they had a

[Tage Foley]

story that you remembered to this day.

[Mark Norman]

You got that right.

[Tage Foley]

Crazy.

[Mark Norman]

The bush sucks. I agree. And gore.

[Tage Foley]

Crazy.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Cheerios in there. It looks like a. It looks like the floor of a minivan. Guys are a little old for being

[Tage Foley]

high school athletes with a mustache.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, right, man.

[Tage Foley]

Yeah, I remember the. This one that we had. It was like the housemaid and the rich lady. I remember the lines. That is.

[Mark Norman]

Wow. Somebody took time and wrote that. They had a gaffer, a grip. I mean, it was like a production.

[Tage Foley]

It was hard.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It was film.

[Tage Foley]

Real film. Jack.

[Mark Norman]

Sure, yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Lying dog. All right, let's see. We got time for one more here. This one's for a Mitchell Hunt. $10, homie. Second one. Red guys on a board already.

[Tage Foley]

There you go.

[Kevin James Ryan]

When I was 13 years old, I was at my best friend's house and him and I were looking at not so G rated website, if you catch my drift. Perfect.

[Mark Norman]

Yes.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Milf. Well, I noticed it was time to call my mom and check in. Remember? That was it. Did you have to do that and check in?

[Mark Norman]

Nah, they didn't care.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It was like we had it every six hours or something.

[Mark Norman]

Six hours? What is it, a warden?

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, but it would be like. Because there was no. I would get dropped off in like an area and he'd be like, just call me to let me know you're an area. All right. We got to to so and so or we've been here, we're going there. It was more that. Oh, once a day probably.

[Mark Norman]

All right, all right. Area is crazy. I mean, go to your friend's house or the mall. What's an area? That's a little vague.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I mean, we. We skated. So like I would get dropped off like a shopping center.

[Mark Norman]

Same. Same where?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Ah, we might go that way. We might go this way. So it was very like you were

[Tage Foley]

completely on your own as a kid, right?

[Mark Norman]

Oh, complete neglect. Yeah, very feral.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And we do the.

[Mark Norman]

It's. It's hack now, but we do the cold collect call.

[Tage Foley]

For sure.

[Mark Norman]

Mom. I double. Library, pick me up.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Bob, we had a baby. It's a boy.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Deep cut. I love that commercial.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That blew my mind.

[Mark Norman]

Me too. Me too.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I was like, that's.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, that's.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's good writing, Bob.

[Mark Norman]

We had a baby.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's a boy.

[Mark Norman]

Well, commercials used to be good.

[Tage Foley]

Awesome.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Fantastic.

[Mark Norman]

Bud wise.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That was great. I was. I was classic bad.

[Mark Norman]

But I'm like.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I was 8. That was the funniest course.

[Mark Norman]

Of course. You know what?

[Kevin James Ryan]

The calls are coming from indubi Doobie Doo.

[Mark Norman]

Remember? Oh, yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

The calls are coming from inside the house.

[Tage Foley]

Yeah. You know what holds up now is those progressive commercials turning into your parents.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Richard is in.

[Tage Foley]

Yeah, he's great.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, that's right. How about this one? The Bud Light had some killer stuff. Real American genius.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Or real men of genius. Yeah. The taco salad. You know, you want to eat a taco with ground beef, tons of cheese, sour cream in a shell. What a G. Whatever it was, that was good.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Good.

[Tage Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

There's us now. There's also the thing now of all famous people. It used to be embarrassing to do commercials, and you have to do it overseas now. It's like Matthew McConaughey selling. He's got one everything.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Clooney's selling a coffee. It's crazy.

[Kevin James Ryan]

How much money do you need?

[Mark Norman]

And that went to young actors.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, that's how people. Comics used to make a paycheck.

[Tage Foley]

There's a McDonald's commercial with Jason Alexander singing a dance. Manson, he kills it, too.

[Mark Norman]

He's very talented.

[Tage Foley]

Very talented.

[Mark Norman]

What's up with Cleco?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Not great.

[Caller/Guest]

No splits. I. They might have got bought out at some point.

[Mark Norman]

Oh.

[Caller/Guest]

Which could have been good or bad. Trying to find a history of the Cleo.

[Mark Norman]

I got the certificate in my drawer next to that Visa in case it starts working.

[Tage Foley]

The one share is great. One.

[Mark Norman]

One share, man. Yes, one share.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I know. I don't own any stock.

[Mark Norman]

Sharon, is Karen all right.

[Kevin James Ryan]

But let's see. He goes. He called his mom to check in. She didn't answer, but her voicemail did. I forgot to hang up. I get home and she says, I want you to hear something. So she played back the voicemail. I vividly remember hearing my own voice on the recording. Say, dang, dude, look at that big

[Mark Norman]

old booty on her.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I wasn't allowed at that kid's house for a year.

[Mark Norman]

Wow. Tough mom, that.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That sucks. Thirteen, too.

[Tage Foley]

You gotta anything sexual with your mom around that age was brutal.

[Mark Norman]

Wait, he said that about the kid's mom?

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, he said, we're watching porn.

[Mark Norman]

Oh.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And then I guess the mom goes, you're over Steve's house watching porn. Which I guess I kind of get.

[Mark Norman]

That's a little inappropriate.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You have to at some point.

[Mark Norman]

At what age?

[Kevin James Ryan]

He said 13.

[Mark Norman]

All right, well, you can't watch porn out in the open.

[Tage Foley]

And. What the.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I know.

[Mark Norman]

You gotta hide that shit.

[Tage Foley]

The computer was only in one place, like you said.

[Mark Norman]

That's true.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. There's a family. It was in the family room. Or maybe the basement or. I remember the first time our buddy got one in his room. And we were like, this thing's gonna be.

[Tage Foley]

See, in five years, this thing's gonna

[Kevin James Ryan]

have AIDS in a weekend. We are gonna defile this thing.

[Tage Foley]

Did your parents have porn in the house?

[Mark Norman]

I got a virus.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No.

[Mark Norman]

God, no.

[Tage Foley]

No, nothing like that.

[Mark Norman]

No. I had to go to my friend's house. He was Belgian, and his dad had a stack of Playboys, and he would just sit and smoke in bed, drink beer, and read Playboy. And we would.

[Tage Foley]

Playboy. Dad was.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That was. That was lost on. We never had that.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, my God, it was so hot. I mean, we would just flip through and your boner would be pulsing in your little shorts. Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

My stepdad was, like, a mechanic, and he had, like, a shop where they were like, him and his buddies would fix their cars and stuff like that. And they had, like, the snap on tool chest with, like, the calendar. And, like, you know, there would be, like, an air freshener hanging in the tow truck. That was like a girl with her jugs out.

[Mark Norman]

Oh.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And like, dude, dude. And I remember me and my brother would be like. Well, acting like we're, like, sweeping or something.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Like, walk back and forth.

[Tage Foley]

What are you doing?

[Mark Norman]

It was so special back then because it wasn't around. It wasn't Internet porn. So you saw a naked woman for rear view.

[Tage Foley]

Yeah, Like a song on the radio. You hear it once and here, two weeks later.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. And you'd think about it at home, like, oh, remember the rearview girl? Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That brings up. Was there. Were you ever the person or was there a person growing up whose house you weren't allowed at?

[Mark Norman]

Oh.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Because on the flip side of that, I was the house that my buddy couldn't come to.

[Mark Norman]

Why is that?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Because my dad let us ride around in the back of a pickup truck.

[Mark Norman]

That's it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

That's how you got around.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I know. We were, like, all over town. We were like. She was like, oh, in the neighborhood. He's like, oh, no, we weren't there.

[Mark Norman]

Here.

[Kevin James Ryan]

We were there. It was like, for, like, four hours. You're just in the back of a pickup.

[Mark Norman]

Wow.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And her mom. His mom called my dad and was like, just to let you know, Matthew's no longer allowed over.

[Mark Norman]

Whoa.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That was the first time. I'm like, oh, we're not great as a. Like, we're not great as a family all together.

[Mark Norman]

That hurts.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Like, another family's judging our. Her family from the top down.

[Mark Norman]

Right.

[Tage Foley]

Her. That's.

[Mark Norman]

I could be my mom. Got CPS called on her twice.

[Kevin James Ryan]

What?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Yeah. So one, when somebody came over to our house, and they're like, you can't have a kid living like this. We had a big stairwell with no banister.

[Tage Foley]

Because you were redoing it, right?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, they were redoing it, but they never finished. So we just ran down the steps every day, and there was no banister. So a mom would come over, be like, this is crazy. And she reported my mom.

[Tage Foley]

Jesus.

[Mark Norman]

I know. That was one. And then one. A teacher thought I was being beaten. I don't know. I had some. Something going on where she was like, oh, he's clearly abused. And they called cps.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. So my poor mom had to be like, no, I swear I'm a good egg.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's funny. I had the same thing. A teacher. I was. I was trying. I was in seventh grade, probably, and I was trying to land a kickflip, and I was just, like, repeatedly doing it, and the board kept hitting my shins.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So my leg was all bruised. One day, I'm like, I'm landing this thing, and we just sat in my. My. My driveway, and so I bruised all over my legs. And the gym teacher saw it. I saw them, like, I saw the one clock it and then go over and was, like, talking to another one, like. And then he came over and looked at my legs, and they were like, we want to talk to you.

[Mark Norman]

Whoa.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Is everything okay at home? Bruises on your leg? I'm, like, trying to do a kick flip.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Tage Foley]

Chicken cutlets ain't great, to be honest with you. What are you gonna do? I had that one time my mom threw a pot. Pot at my head.

[Mark Norman]

What?

[Tage Foley]

She didn't mean to hit me, but she. She caught me by accident, and I had to go get.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, she was throwing a pot just to throw a pot, like, at the wall.

[Tage Foley]

She was mad. I deserved it. I was being a real dick.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, geez.

[Tage Foley]

Yeah, let her have it. But we got to the hospital. I knew before I even walked in there. Keep my mouth shut.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Yeah. But that was your chance to get at her.

[Tage Foley]

True. I held it against her for, like, a year.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, right?

[Tage Foley]

Nuts.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm no rat.

[Mark Norman]

Wow. You're a good son. She should have thanked you, like, thanks for keeping your mouth shut.

[Tage Foley]

She did. She felt really bad about. Got it.

[Mark Norman]

I would hope so.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's a pot.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

She hit her son in the head

[Tage Foley]

with a piece, and I used it against her.

[Kevin James Ryan]

There you go.

[Mark Norman]

As you should.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Perfect as a dirt bag.

[Tage Foley]

Would yeah, tell the cops. Let them get it. I'm gonna hold that.

[Kevin James Ryan]

But then you're in foster care.

[Mark Norman]

That was it. A skillet.

[Tage Foley]

That was like a. Like a pot.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's a crock pot.

[Mark Norman]

Gang.

[Tage Foley]

Mr. Mark Norman. Hey, new special over there on Netflix.

[Mark Norman]

Thank you.

[Tage Foley]

One of the absolute best. Go check them out. Anything else you want to tell the folks?

[Mark Norman]

Hey, get on Cleco. We're. We're a young startup. We're trying. Thank you, guys.

[Tage Foley]

We love you. Keep it. What he got.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Guys, we're over the road.

[Mark Norman]

Get ticket.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Shows are selling out. We can add them some places, some places we can't. So get them wider. Hot. We love you, gang.

[Tage Foley]

We love you. We'll see you next week.

[Mark Norman]

Comedy.