Nick Rochefort!

Summary

Are You Garbage? Podcast — Episode Summary

Guest: Nick Rochefort

Date: November 17, 2025
Hosts: Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

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Episode Overview

This episode of Are You Garbage? dives deep into the wild life and hustler mentality of comedian, podcaster, and notorious connector, Nick Rochefort. Nick regales the hosts with stories of his French Canadian “milktrash” upbringing in Rhode Island, the chaotic family business in used cars and real estate, and his winding path through failed college stints, wild real estate schemes, and the shadier sides of business and life. Throughout, the hosts put Nick through their signature, trashy “garbage or classy” test, uncovering his most "garbage" moments and appreciating his honest, unfiltered, and sometimes criminally clever approach to getting by.

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Key Discussion Points & Notable Stories

1. Nick’s Family Background & Early Life

• French Canadian “milktrash” Upbringing

  • Grew up in Woonsocket, RI, a “French Canadian mil trash town” ([04:42]).
  • Only US town with French on the ATMs ([03:58]).
  • Family dynamic: disjointed, “all angry French tomatoes” ([06:19]).

• Family Business in Used Cars

  • Dad left school in 9th grade, started as a used car salesman ([05:02]).
  • “You’re never not a car salesman; it’s like being an alcoholic” — Nick ([05:17]).
  • Early innovator of “buy here, pay here” car sales in Rhode Island, taking cash, goods, or “starter jackets” for payments ([08:01]-[11:11]).
  • “We patented ripping off people in the hood.” — Nick ([08:17])
  • Nick and his brother handled collections from the age of 9 ([09:07]).
  • Non-traditional payments: “Microwaves, gray parakeets, champion dogs, Oakley glasses...” — Nick ([09:41]).

2. Upbringing, Hustle, and “Dirtbag” Credentials

• Always the Side Hustle

  • Dad’s business was volatile: “One year you got a used four-wheeler for Christmas, next year: no presents” ([15:49]).
  • Grocery stores: Stop & Shop a sign you “had a little bit more bread” ([15:16]-[15:24]).

• Nick’s Education & Football

  • B-plus/A-minus student; 1280 SAT, “football guy” (played at Wagner, a D1-AA program) ([19:49]-[20:20]).
  • “I was a real psycho on the field...threatening the parents” — Nick ([20:40]).
  • Kicked out for fighting and 'roid rage: "Steroids, rage, and crying...punching someone while crying" ([34:42]-[36:34] & [35:26]).

• Family Real Estate “Vacations”

  • “Vacations” were actually family trips to scope out cheap real estate in rural Maine, pretending to be interested to bamboozle local realtors ([22:13]-[25:40]).
    • “We looked at like 7,000 houses in two years...for fun” ([24:58]).
    • “I never went to Disneyland...I went house-hunting in Skowhegan, Maine” ([22:33]).
    • “We’d be snooping through people’s drawers, stealing earrings...” — Nick ([24:01]).

3. Entering the Real (Estate) World

• Landscaping, House Flipping, Wild Schemes

  • Dropped out of college to help family landscaping business; within months, landed 16 nursing home contracts ([44:56]-[45:07]).
  • At 19, started flipping houses using risky “no doc” loans—“the thing that brought down the economy”—leveraged up to his eyeballs in debt ([51:52]-[58:14]).
  • “I bought two houses on the same day from different banks. That’s bank fraud.” — Nick ([63:32]).

• Evicting Strippers, Construction Chaos

  • Housed deadbeats and strippers: “Moved in a stripper on a favor from my father...then had to evict her, and her sister moved in too” ([67:21]).
  • “You think you can do kitchens from Ikea. You can’t.” — Nick ([67:23]).
  • Eventually lost the houses to foreclosure: “My credit score went from 700 to 401...it’s artfully bad.” ([71:42]).

4. The Many Careers of Nick: From Mercedes-Benz to Antiques

• Jack of All Trades

  • Multiple lifetimes: car salesman, antique dealer, show creator, stand-up comic, real estate hustler.
  • “I’ve sold everything...I’m like a whore, I have a lot of miles on me.” — Nick ([77:23]).
  • Only redeeming asset after the crash: a Harley built with a Hell’s Angel ([72:22]).

• Present Day

  • Runs Shamonic’s House: "If you want a $35,000 rug for $6,000, call me.” — Nick ([80:18]).
  • “Turns out if you don’t gouge people, you can be cheap, and you can make a lot of money.” ([81:01]).
  • Host of Scuffed Realtor tour, comedy/live real estate show. Also hosts Perfect Guy Life podcast with Sam Hyde ([80:05]).

5. Family and Reflection

• Wife & Kids

  • Married an Irish girl he met through the antiques world ([76:02]).
  • Two kids; entire family in the hotel during the recording ([79:16]).
  • “You feed my daughters by buying nice rugs.” ([81:14])

• Lessons and Honesty

  • “Comparison is the thief of joy...I'm always comparing myself to the guys playing stadiums” ([49:56]).
  • “I promise you, there’s no elaboration. All my hair is gone.” ([74:38]).
  • On bad tattoos: “You got the Roadrunner on my calf” ([75:05]).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Dirtbag Negotiation Tactics:
  “Hold the money out front and say, ‘Do you want it?’ Make sure the last number is a 9. Nine times out of ten, you close the deal.” — Nick ([56:58])

• On Family Collections:
  “Our job was to collect the $35 weekly payments at 9, 10 years old...you’d end up with a microwave, gray parakeets, champion dogs.” — Nick ([09:07])

• On Real Estate Mania:
  “I bought two houses from two banks on the same day...that’s bank fraud.” ([63:32])

• On Getting in Trouble:
  “You’ve never seen a credit score this low! It’s artfully bad.” — Nick ([71:42])

• Hosts, Awestruck:
  “I'm blown away. I couldn't even keep up with what the hell was going on.” — H. Foley ([74:28])

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Nick’s Family & Background: [04:42]-[06:47]
• Used Car Racket & Payments in Goods: [08:01]-[11:11]
• Family Real Estate “Vacations”: [22:13]-[25:40]
• College, Football, Steroid Stories: [19:49]-[20:20] & [34:42]-[36:34]
• House Flipping and Foreclosure Crash: [51:52]-[71:42]
• Negotiation Tactics & Buying Houses: [56:58]-[58:14]
• Evicting Strippers / Construction Fails: [66:05]-[68:41]
• Meeting Wife Through Antiques / Present Day: [76:02]-[81:01]
• Reflection & Final Thoughts: [81:01]-[82:32]

---

Tone & Flavor

Throughout the episode, Nick’s hustling, “dirtbag” energy keeps the stories outrageous, fast-paced, and extremely funny — from schemes with buy-here-pay-here cars, to collecting $35 payments in parakeets, to backdoor house deals with cokehead brokers, and evicting strippers from his duplex. Kevin and Foley are in awe, repeatedly laughing and declaring Nick a legend among the “garbage” gold standard.

Final verdict:
“You are an Olympic-level dirtbag. I fucking love it.” — H. Foley ([52:41])

“Garbage” certified—and maybe, a little bit of a genius.

Transcript

[A]

Philly, Philly, Philly. The boys are coming home December 13th for our biggest show ever at the Metropolitan Theater.

[B]

Yeah, get your [e-mail]. get the homies, get the bozos, get your aunt, get your uncles. We want to see you there.

[A]

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are you Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. And hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is RU Garbage. Oh, yeah, it's that little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find it at the Garbage to be classy. Yeah, just a big old piece of trash.

[C]

Trash, trash, trash.

[A]

I'm your host, H. Foley. Coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in a new edition. She's gonna be guest bartending at Cheerleaders down there on Front street in Philly, getting ready for the big December 13th.

[D]

Show, topless work to work the tootie into a plug. I respect it, Pasties.

[A]

But Topless Mike Coase is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of Are you garbage? He is an international businessman, father of the year, and my best pal in.

[C]

The whole wide world.

[A]

Give it up for KJ Kevin. James Ryan, everybody.

[D]

What up, gang? Shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in as always. Please make sure you rate view subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify now, too. The boys are climbing the fucking charts over there.

[A]

Cooking.

[D]

Then obviously, the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com. all you, garbage, you go over there, get all that bonus content.

[A]

Yes, sir. And gang, we couldn't be more excited of our incredib and I mean, incredibly special guest here with today for the first time, he is a very funny, very successful comedian, podcaster, actor, and furniture store owner. I just found out you might know him from Scuffle, from Scuff Realtor, Million Dollar Extreme World Peace on Adult Swim. He has an amazing podcast you can hear every week. Perfect Guy Life with Mr. Sam Hyde and the owner of Shamanic's house. Give it up for Dick Rochefort, everybody.

[C]

Oh, my God, look at that. Thank you so much for having me.

[A]

Little bit of a flub, but I got all that out.

[C]

You got it out masterfully.

[A]

You're the first interior decorator I've ever had here.

[C]

No, I think maybe. I mean, I don't know. This is a big place. We could. I could Just razzle dazzle around here. I could sprinkle some glitter around here. I'd love to get rid of some of this man cave stuff.

[D]

He walked in, he's like, I love what you've done with the place.

[C]

Yeah. I'm twirling around on ice skates on the carpet.

[A]

Have you thought about fresh flowers?

[C]

Nothing builds the ambiance like that.

[A]

I want to get in. That's crazy that you do that.

[C]

You look at.

[A]

You live at a bus station.

[C]

I do. No, I look like I sell weed with Seth Rogen. No, I get it. I sell midsummer stickweed.

[A]

Mexican brickweed only.

[C]

Yeah, that's it.

[A]

I wish we'd go back to that.

[C]

Sorry to cut you off. Everybody does.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

No, I don't smoke weed because I can't get that weed. Sure. Yeah, that weed was okay. My mom used to have that weed. It was great.

[A]

I like a little stem, a little seed. Yeah, it's a little smoky flavor. I like to think I'm smoking a little drywall.

[D]

Right.

[C]

Hey, do you have any brown stick? Do you have any, like, really stiff plastic bag weed for $30? For a big giant bag of it from a bucket?

[A]

I want something the cops are gonna laugh at when they pull me over. This is where you getting this from? I could have got you better shit than this.

[C]

When you break it, seeds fall on the paper. I love it. Then you put.

[A]

Then you. Then you take that, you put it in a little paper cup with a little bit of. A little bit of topsoil, a little bit of water. Then you got a weed plant growing.

[C]

Then you think you have a weed plant for three months.

[D]

It's starting to bud.

[A]

Dude, that was the best.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Oh, it's nothing. Oh, I'm stupid. Yeah. I've watched so many.

[A]

I just like them. I think it looks cool when you grow something like that. I'm not trying to move any weight or anything.

[C]

Sure, you couldn't if you wanted to. I know.

[A]

It's all male plants, dude. Some dickhead.

[C]

Yeah, right. Dude, your UV lights off. You're going to get gnats. The bugs. Yeah, yeah, I've had that happen to me, buddy.

[A]

Give us the backstory. Give us the origin story.

[C]

Well, I grew up in Woonsocket, Rhode island, which is like a. It's like a French Canadian miltrash town.

[D]

Like, I'm like the first time we've ever had that. A French Canadian milk trash.

[C]

It's the most. It's the most French. French. French Canadian spoken is the only town in the United States that had French on the ATMs.

[D]

Really?

[C]

That was a big fun. Get out of here.

[A]

See that close to Canada.

[D]

What's the name of it?

[C]

It was like when they just dropped a lot of French. Canadians were like, let's get out of here. We're going to this beautiful land where there's dye mills where you can get leukemia for your wife.

[A]

This is from Canada.

[C]

They were saying this Quebecois. So they came down, they came down. I like to say my family came down in a wagon in 1991.

[D]

It was a station wagon, but still.

[C]

That was a horse drawn wooden wagon. Deer. But it's a very, it's just a, it's a mill rat. You know, like everybody gets along. It's pretty muddy. It's pretty like a lot of like, you know when you see like, you say it's pretty muddy, like, like French mutt. You know when you see like, oh, muddy like fetal alcohol syndrome face.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Your cousin Jen, who gives head for like, it didn't like that kind of shit. Slipknot T shirt and Bruins pajamas, 9am on a Monday morning, getting the carton of USA Gold, that type of shit.

[A]

How the fuck do you know my cousin?

[C]

Yeah, she got me a good deal on a tattoo. All freehand. Yeah. That kind of shit.

[D]

That's good. Okay.

[C]

It's that kind of, that kind of town.

[A]

What did your parents do? Were they in the pelts or anything like that?

[C]

There were fur trappers, deer, venison jerky makers. No, they were, my dad was a used car salesman. Third gen, second gen. No kidding. Yeah. But you sell used cars now too still? I, I, I sell a few cars a year I've been at car sales in my entire life.

[A]

Are you out of your.

[D]

He's like, it's like an alcoholic. You're never not a used car sales.

[C]

Yeah, I gotta do it.

[D]

You're always one bad, one bad month away from selling cars again.

[C]

It'll be, give it a couple hours. You're gonna be like, you know, Nick could probably get me a deal on a scalade.

[A]

Scalade?

[C]

Yeah. So you.

[A]

Hold on. So your family migrated down from Quebec to this town in Rhode Island. Your dad started a car dealer. Used car dealership.

[C]

He dropped out of school in ninth grade. My father.

[A]

Uh huh.

[D]

Your dad. Your parents came down?

[C]

No, my grandfather came down.

[D]

Your grandfather came down.

[C]

Okay then. My father dropped out of school. Ninth grade. Quit just like straight up. Like I was like, really? They let you do that?

[A]

What was your grandfather doing?

[C]

He was a patent Maker for, like, a die. I don't know, A valve mill.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

What does that mean? A patent.

[C]

Like, you work in an office and they steal your ideas? Basically, yeah.

[D]

Okay. Okay.

[A]

Came up. He came up with ideas.

[C]

Yeah. He did.

[A]

Anything juicy?

[C]

I think he created, like, a diverter valve and they bought him a car. It was a big story, but he was.

[D]

Holy shit. That was your grandfather?

[C]

Yeah, yeah. Old Norman. Yeah, he's. But we don't get along, you know, the family's all disjointed. Everybody hates everybody, so. Get that fucking guy out of here.

[A]

Really.

[C]

It's like all angry French tomatoes.

[D]

No one's allowed to use a sink in his household.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, because it's. I wouldn't even want to go over there if he invited me.

[A]

Really?

[C]

Yeah. That type of shit.

[A]

I like it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So how many brothers and sisters did your dad have?

[C]

He had a seven or something.

[A]

All right, so they're.

[D]

Damn.

[A]

That.

[C]

It's like one of those where you don't even know. It's like eight. I don't know. A couple of them are dead.

[D]

Who knows?

[A]

You're not close with them?

[C]

Nope. I'm not close with any of the cousins, just because of where I grew up with. And then my mom was a. She was a bookkeeper. She's like an office lady.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Like accounts receivable.

[D]

Respectable job.

[C]

Respectable. Yep, yep. She keeps me on my toes. She keeps all the books in line. And my dad sold new cars. Kind of made a little bit of bread right away, like 18. The owner took a liking.

[D]

That's really. Right away.

[A]

That's right away.

[C]

You know, selling. There's always that moment in the car business where you sell your teacher a car. That's a very common thing.

[A]

Really.

[C]

And you sell your, like, teacher, and the teacher's like, how much money? And then you get to look at the creditor report and like. You make that, you piece of shit.

[D]

I make that in a good April.

[C]

I can't even spell. I hold my pen like this and I make more than.

[A]

That's one of the new questions I wanted to ask you to hold a pen and show me.

[C]

Yeah, show me your handwriting. That's a good one. Show me your handwriting. That's a good tell.

[A]

That's crazy. So your dad starts selling cars.

[C]

Yeah. Opens a small car lot. Everybody's like, oh, small for. Now that you've seen this car dealership before, it's four cars, one garage, one man door. Mm stickers on the windshield. I see like 4995 or hand paint which I can do pretty well. Really Apska. Whatever they call the. The thick paint markers with the colors but like you know air conditioning, moonroof, power windows. You know like star. You know that shit price year low miles.

[A]

What about.

[C]

Or best offers.

[A]

No no or best offer We.

[C]

So the fun thing is I. The Nello's Motor sales was the name of my dad's and it was on the side of a strip club called the K2U and we were the first to do buy here pay here in the state of Rhode Island.

[A]

What do you mean by here and.

[D]

Pay here is like every dirt bags got a. We were the first to do it.

[C]

Yes, yes.

[A]

Grandfather patent it.

[C]

Yeah. We patented ripping off people in the hood.

[A]

That and free crab legs.

[C]

Yeah. So you have to give like. So say the car is like three grand.

[D]

You would moving nice cars over there.

[C]

Yeah. You know, beautiful.

[D]

Say if you guys could wrap your head around a car being three grand.

[C]

A late model Deville. You know. You know. So you. You put 500 down, you pay 35 a week forever. Really rent a center.

[D]

It's like now who holds the. So like there's really no. You hold the note.

[C]

You could fuck us.

[A]

So you're leasing it. Oh you could fuck us.

[C]

You could. You could walk away. Good news is my fucking ape size shit box cousin will come kick your fucking door down.

[D]

Come get the car.

[C]

Yeah. And they get the car.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

No rules. Friends with the cops. Hey, they stiffed us. Cop goes shouldn't have stiffed them.

[D]

Uh huh.

[C]

Get the car back.

[A]

So this has happened.

[C]

Oh yeah. Yeah. So the. Here's the fun one.

[D]

Better mind your fucking P's and Q's, big guy.

[C]

Little index card. My job when I'm 9, 10. My brother. It's me and my brother. We collect the $35 a week. Little index cards. You know Mrs. Rugeri. Mrs. You know. Oh you were met. She brings in the 35. I tuck it in the index card. I tuck in the index card.

[D]

Is this cash? Check cash usually.

[C]

Or here's the fun part when they don't have it tell you and my dad had a pretty good reputation around town. He was a pretty fair guy. He wasn't like. Believe it or not, they are good car sales. He'd be like this. You know the rule. You have to go get something worth $35.

[D]

I got a question. Do you then keep that or hold it till it's replaced with cash?

[C]

Usually they would always leave it so.

[D]

You would end up with a microwave.

[C]

Gray parakeets they were expensive. Champion dogs. Stuff like Weird Stu.

[A]

A Nintendo gun.

[C]

Yeah. Yes. Snap on tools. Oakley glasses.

[D]

What?

[A]

Why?

[C]

Because they don't have the 35.

[A]

What do you mean?

[D]

Why?

[A]

This is the buy here. Pay here.

[C]

Yeah, it's.

[A]

They don't pay in full?

[C]

No, no, they pay in chunks. It's a perfect scenario.

[A]

$35.

[C]

Well, this is 1991, so.

[A]

What are you talking about? That should have been the 20s, right?

[C]

35, 50. So you pay that a week. They don't have the money. They have to go get tools. So we would always have like, shit. You'd always see shit.

[D]

That's good, though.

[C]

Starter jackets.

[D]

Did you have to then, like, fence it?

[C]

Oh, yeah. The off brand that no one wants. Like the fucking. The Giants when they blew, you know. Oh, cool. I got a 3 XL Giants jacket. I'm 11. You know, wear it to school. I'll get it dry clean.

[A]

Orlando Magic were the big ones of those things. Same with Charlotte, the Charlotte Hornet.

[D]

Somebody came up with a theory of why, like, someone did the math as to why it was Charlotte. Like every dirt bag kid had a Charlotte one they made. There was something with the manufacturing. Something just came out with that.

[C]

Grandma was it. Grandmama was big.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Larry Johnson was Mugsy Bogues. Didn't he play?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

The NBA Jam. That was the hottest. But yeah, no, I remember specifically getting started. Jackets that no one gave a fuck about. Like the most embarrassing thing. Like, oh, cool. I got the Dolphins when they like post Dan Marino.

[A]

Did you have a separate. Did you have like a storeroom at the shop where you kept all this stuff?

[C]

No, we'd kind of like take it home. I mean, it was like you'd have like 80 cars in the street. You know what I mean? Like, so you'd sell.

[D]

So you're collecting 80 weekly payments.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. It was a good. It was a good racket. It was a really good racket.

[A]

Would that usually be the payment or would they say, here, take the blender and I'll come back next week and I'll give you seven.

[C]

Yeah, that's good. We're good this week. Next week, bring me the 35. We're back to normal. It was like a checkbox. You had 20 boxes. It was. It was.

[A]

Didn't your dad want the actual money?

[C]

Of course. But there was enough money.

[D]

What's a starter jacket?

[C]

But I'm saying, I remember my dad would brag, like, loosely. He's like, I got a. I got 90 grand in the streets. So, like, he on all those index cards. Like, I could shut the fucking doors.

[D]

Right now and just collect.

[C]

And just collect. I don't have to do a thing. I don't sell it. Buy another car ever.

[D]

I caught at mailbox money.

[C]

90 grand. Like, it was like $38 million.

[D]

I mean, but, dude, that was good, though.

[C]

Oh, yeah, it was a lot.

[A]

Holy shit.

[D]

Okay, what was. What was the family car? Was the family car ever changing?

[C]

It was ever changing. The three that stuck out was the 85 Lincoln Town Car. Triple black.

[A]

What's triple black?

[C]

I mean, black landau roof, black interior, black exterior. That was a good one. We're pretty proud of that one.

[A]

I bet you could sell a couple of cars. You got the.

[C]

You got.

[A]

Yeah, he's got it in him.

[C]

I've done an unfortunate reality. I'll get to that. But the 84, which is the box. The box body. The. It was right after they stopped looking like disco cars. And they stopped. Holy shit. Maybe it was 87.

[A]

That's what Paul Castellano got shot in.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, that was. That one.

[D]

That. Yeah. Yeah, That's a nice car.

[C]

It was a good car. And then we had a 84 suburban. Barn door lifted. That was. My dad was obsessed with K body. GMCs. Yeah, that's like.

[A]

That's an old school Suburban.

[C]

Those were cool. Yeah, the V8s, we used to take those and we keep them. We'd paint them. We had a painter that was like a friend of my dad's, and we'd like paint them and we'd modify them and buy shit for him.

[D]

What was your first car?

[C]

My first car was a 5, 7 Dodge Durango, which. And I went to, like, a nice high school.

[D]

What year we talking?

[C]

98.

[D]

Dude, when those Durangos dropped, they were something fucking that hood, the way it was shaped.

[C]

Yeah, it was. And it gave. They gave you a V8. Basically a rear wheel drive V8 Tard mobile. And they were like, here you go, dummy.

[D]

Like, go wrap this around a pole.

[C]

Yeah, exactly. Go do. Go race your friends in their. In their BMWs. Because, like, with us, a mild tune. This thing's doing danger. And I remember, like, I had a rich girlfriend in high school. I remember her parents looking at my fur. She had, like an Accord. And they were looking at me like I walked in their living room with, like, my dick in my hands. They were like, he's got a Durango. Like, what parents buy their kid. It's like a single mom's car.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Before it's a single mom's car.

[A]

A Honda Accord was. It was. It was a hot, rich car.

[C]

That was like a rich piece. The green V6 was like the piece.

[A]

Yeah, it was nice. I always say that in the Mitsubishi.

[C]

Eclipse, the hot girl car they all.

[D]

Had, it was the Acura.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Rsx.

[C]

See, all the.

[D]

They were like the tiny little coops. The accurate. I think they were accurate. Rsx. All the girls had those in our high school.

[C]

Yeah, they were. They ran. That was a. An Acura is a. This is the best car you can buy.

[A]

Is that true?

[C]

I started. Fundamentally, I sell new Acuras. I sold a lot of Acuras, and it was like, an Acura, customer has more. Has enough money to buy the dealership, but you'd never know. They look like computer engineers. Yeah, but they're like the.

[D]

You are a.

[A]

Is this the pitch? Because I want to get one.

[C]

I sold Louis Gomez when he's like, what do I get? I go get a fucking Acura. Lewis, control your ego. Get a goddamn accurate. It's like, I know you don't want to. I know you want a fucking Ferrari. I know you want an S Class. Get an Acura. You drive a lot of miles, like, all right, all right, all right. Gets it, loves it. And Acura is like the good friend.

[D]

I want an Escalades. I want that big new Escalade so bad.

[A]

Acura is a good friend.

[C]

You hear that? A good friend never fuck you over. He's not going to be the highlight of the party. No one's running over to the Acura. Be like, wow, Kevin, the new.

[A]

The new TSX. As long as that $35 is here every fucking week. Does Louis have to drive up to Rhode island to give you money?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

He shows. He shows up with his kids, basketball.

[C]

This is a blue nose pit. These are $2,000.

[D]

These are two tickets to skank Fest.

[C]

Give them to your guy.

[A]

Shout out to Lewis. I love it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What was the grocery store growing up?

[C]

Stop and Shop.

[D]

Very nice establishment.

[A]

Is that true?

[C]

Stop and Shop and Shaws. Do you guys get shaws a lot?

[D]

No, I don't know what shaws is.

[C]

Shaws was closer to me. It was orange Shaws. Stop and Shop was when you got a little bit more bread, Shaw started to go down, go downhill faster.

[D]

Oh, is that Osco's as well?

[C]

They probably got bought out by Osco.

[A]

We know Jewel Osco, Chicago.

[D]

Yeah. Very nice.

[A]

So your dad did well?

[C]

Yeah, it was very bipolar. It was like, you know, one year you'd make that, the next year, something bad. Would happen.

[D]

Sure.

[A]

Similar tale here on.

[C]

Are you guys.

[D]

I got that.

[C]

It was like one year you got like a used four wheeler for Christmas. Next year it was like, no presents this year. One time I lost like $20. My mom gave me, like lunch money. I lost the 20 and she was like bawling her eyes out. And I was like, we're poor again. What the fuck happened? Mom's mom's like, really beside herself over this 20. She's like, are you fucking kidding me?

[A]

It's even sadder when she's wearing a Charlotte Hornets.

[C]

She's in her Milwaukee Buck starter jacket.

[A]

Crying her eyes out.

[C]

Her brewers starter jacket. Bill's Super Bowl T shirt, the one they give away to the refug.

[A]

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. As the days start getting a little bit shorter, the nights start getting a little bit longer, as they say, make sure you're reaching out and checking on your friends. Holidays are coming up, people tend to get depressed. People get to start overthinking around the holidays. If you're going through a situation like that, do yourself the biggest favor you can this holiday season by reaching out to BetterHelp and talking it out. You get a licensed therapist right in the privacy of your own home. Whether it's something big, something small. Talk it out. I promise you. Betterhelp get out.

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[A]

Kevin, Something about Ridge Wallet.

[D]

Oh, the Ridge Wallet.

[A]

Tell them about the other technologies that Ridge Wallet is doing over there.

[B]

They're taking the cutting edge technology in wallets.

[D]

What are we doing?

[A]

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[B]

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[D]

What the heck? Is it in the car? Did I leave it at the hotel?

[B]

Did the stripper take whatever?

[D]

You'll know. You'll.

[A]

She took it.

[B]

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[C]

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[B]

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[A]

Holy shit. How many brothers and sisters you got?

[C]

I got one younger brother, Jake.

[A]

How much younger?

[C]

Two years.

[A]

Oh, okay. All right. Irish twins, as we call it. Yep.

[C]

They couldn't keep their hands off each other.

[A]

Fighting.

[C]

No.

[A]

Oh, your parents. I got you.

[C]

Yeah. No, no, no, no. Oh, no, no. I wish. No, no. They got along pretty good enough. Just vicious throat cutting. French Canadian misery. And they're in the fights. Gotcha. That. I could leave her, you know, that's my dad's telling me, you know, I could leave your mother and get a hot piece of ass. I'm six.

[D]

I'm like, I got 90 grand in this box.

[C]

Any girl, Any girl. Your cousin Jen. Friends.

[A]

Shaking a Vicodin bottle?

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. They come skittering out of the bushes.

[D]

Were you a good student?

[C]

Yeah, I was actually. I was like a. I was like a B plus, A minus student. Not bad one. I was okay. I got like a. Like a 1280 on my SATs.

[A]

Out of 1600?

[C]

Yep.

[D]

Wow. Very good.

[C]

That wasn't bad.

[D]

Very good.

[A]

Damn. 1280.

[C]

But football guy. I played football for like four years. Two out of years out of high school. But I played pee wee ball.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Did you go to college at all or attempt to go to college?

[C]

I did. I went to college. I went to college. I did football. I played football in college at Wagner in Staten Island.

[A]

No kidding.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

What division is that?

[C]

One double A. Whoa. Scholarship. Kid was a baller. Scholarship, yeah, very. I only went because I think I graduated with like a really good group of guys. I was just like a. I was like six, two and a half, six, three. You know, they measured all those six, two and three quarters and I was like 220. I had okay speed and I was a real psycho on the field. Like I was like the screaming guy during kickoff and like starting tight end, I can see that pointing, punching himself in that, like threatening the parents like, you're my. You're my.

[D]

Like I'm gonna. Your wife.

[C]

Oh, she's gonna be wet when I. Her too. I'm gonna put my hand over my. Because I know you ain't doing it. And they're like, who's get 89 off the field?

[A]

That's a 14 year old.

[C]

Talking to him like an adult.

[A]

Yeah, I'm gonna. Your grandkids.

[C]

I got your Social Security number. Your bank money's mine. Jesus Christ, dude.

[A]

89. What position were you playing?

[C]

Tight end.

[A]

Tight end.

[C]

Tight end.

[A]

Look at him.

[C]

Yeah, not at tight end, but I played up there for a year. I didn't. I didn't do well. I went to college at 17, so. Just drinking a lot.

[A]

Why'd you go at 17?

[C]

I'm like that weird late August birthday. No kidding.

[D]

I was the other way.

[C]

Oh, you were late.

[D]

I was older.

[C]

Yeah, you got a car.

[D]

You had a car.

[C]

You drove Everybody around.

[D]

Yeah. 96 Chevy Lumina. No big deal.

[C]

Oh, wow.

[D]

Lumina, which I just went back and rebought, by the way.

[C]

Was it light blue?

[D]

No, I just bought a light blue one this year. Yeah, Yeah, I had the white one.

[C]

That's the one in my head.

[D]

The light blue one, which you might know. The white ones had a paint they like gal they use like galvanized steel and the paint would chip off. I don't know if you knew that the white Luminars, the paint would just fall off of it.

[C]

GM got a deal on it from. Yeah, some shit.

[D]

Some shit.

[A]

Like a true Carl car salesman. He denies it.

[D]

Yeah, I don't know what you talk about. That car was like that when he got here.

[C]

That was the Simonize.

[D]

They put on it.

[C]

That was the other dealer. I can't believe those guys did that to you. Those motherfuckers. How could they do that?

[D]

This is my deal, Nick.

[A]

How about the. The vacations? When you were a kid, what would you guys do? Where would your pop take you?

[C]

This is great. We would go to a Maine and kick tires on real estate. I never went to Disneyland. I have a bit in my stand up about it that I never. I never went to Disneyland. And I'll. I'll save the reasons why I didn't go, but we would go to Maine and my dad would give us. On Thursday nights he would give us MLS listings. You've seen an MLS listing before, right? Like a sheet, a printout on a house.

[D]

Like the front page of a Zillow vacation.

[A]

You're a kid.

[D]

Is this why you have the show?

[C]

I presume this is why I fucked up. My brother's a real estate agent. This is all I do. I build house, you know. So he would give us like a sheet of like 10 of them. And he'd be like, first of all.

[D]

Only like actual realtors get mls. Like that's like. That's like not for the public.

[A]

Where's. Where was he getting them from?

[C]

He had like a guy.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

So. Okay. Where in Maine would you stay?

[C]

The shittiest place. Skowhegan, Maine. Newport, Maine, please. Places in Maine. Was it near water somewhere? Not the good water though. What were you doing there? Looking at how that is insane. Never buying them. My dad would ink these people into like thinking there's a whale coming to town. There is a fucking whale from Providence. With his two kids and his two kids buddies.

[D]

A lot of suburban.

[C]

They are going to. They are buying everything under the sun. We were buying nothing.

[D]

Was that ever. Did he actually think was there like this? He might ever. Was he actually looking or was it just. You guys were just going to.

[C]

He like wears the shoes like a. Like a. Like a site. Like a psychopath. Like going up there to buy the city. Nick, I need you and your brother to narrow down which one we're gonna buy. Buy the morning. I know you have school tomorrow. Here's the good news. I'm pulling you out of school at 12 tomorrow. He would pull us out of school on you know when.

[D]

Remember I got eyes on a two bedroom. Wait till you see.

[B]

You're gonna block.

[A]

Yeah, but that's not vacation in the middle of the school year.

[C]

It was the best vacation.

[D]

That's awesome.

[C]

We would be snooping through people's opening Their underwear draws stealing. Like, it's just me, really. Oh, we would be rifling through their.

[D]

Stuff, come out with pearly earrings. Yeah, these are mine.

[C]

Wow, what a. What a. This lady's got nice stuff. Yeah, I'm wearing a wig. I got her underwear on over my snowsuit.

[A]

Hey, by the way, you're out of cancer medicine, lady.

[C]

Shit's getting me higher than a kite. I'm nine. Oh, hold on.

[A]

And when I asked what were you doing there? Like, just as a pure vacation. Why would you stay somewhere where there's not water or anything like that? So this was the focus.

[D]

Your dad was actually in. His head was working. We're going to like figure actual do business.

[C]

We found joy in it as a family to stay in a decent. Not it like a holiday and with a pool indoor. And then.

[D]

So. Okay, run me down this day. So you get to the holly. You check into the holiday.

[C]

We get out of school at 12.

[D]

Get out of school.

[C]

I'm leaving early, guys. I'd love to sit here and have lunch with you. My dad's actually outside. I'm going to look at a bunch of real estate.

[D]

I'm closing a couple properties in escrow right now.

[C]

The big dog up in Scowheat.

[A]

How long would you go for?

[C]

We would go till Sunday night, so.

[A]

Oh, just the weekend.

[C]

The weekend, okay. But we did it like 14 times over two years. So we looked at like 7,000 houses. Yeah, like, so we look at like six a weekend. These guys would drive us around and I've had my ass kissed.

[D]

Oh, you'd be with the realtor.

[C]

The realtor would be like, hey, buddy, what are you doing? Like trying to kiss my ass is like trying to get on my dad's good graces. Like, you gonna play football up here? We got a great football team. And I'm like, yeah, like. Like, sure dip. Like we're not buying a thing. Like, it's been two years. My dad's not pulling the trigger. Like log cabins on the ocean. Too cold. This one, too many acres, too rough. Two farmhouses falling down. But it would be like extravagant. Like 63 acre farms, 140 acres, 370.

[D]

Could he have swung that in a world?

[C]

It was 90 grand. It was short money back in Maine. Maine was a shithole forever. Now it's like the best. It was short. Short. It was 80 grand. 130 grand. You know, low money. The house that I grew up in was probably 125, you know, and it was just in the 94. It was short.

[D]

You are a fucking. You're too smart to be as much of a dirtbag as you truly are.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

I mean, it wasn't my fault. They threw me into it.

[D]

This is how you get like a. Like a fucking Dr. Evil type character.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[C]

Steep them in a car dealership and let them like. Let them actually hang out with the adults.

[D]

He's fine.

[C]

He's with me.

[D]

Styrofoam, cup of black coffee and a heater going, hey, Rick, how are you? What you pay? You got bamboozled.

[C]

How much you pay for that? I could have got you one cheap.

[A]

Is this connected to the main line or is it well water?

[D]

What did he say? What?

[A]

What Would you do anything in the summer, like an actual vacation? This was it.

[C]

That's summertime. We'd. We had a.

[A]

Cars to sell. I guess the Cape.

[C]

Cape Cod was a thing when. Cape Cod, we go to like old Silver Beach. My mom's parents and grandparents, they had a condo in Cape Cod that we would go to in Mashpee. And then we'd go out there like I'd go with my grandparents once for two weeks every third year.

[A]

And what was their grift? What'd you guys do? Pretend like you were blind?

[D]

They were gypsies.

[C]

Keno. My grandmother was a varsity keno player.

[D]

Would your mom go on these trips on the realtor, the main trip?

[C]

Oh, the whole family would go to the realtor.

[A]

Okay, somebody to play to. Secretary.

[D]

Another $10,000 came in today, Mr. Rochefoot.

[C]

Ma', am. There's no one on the phone. Phone. I didn't see the.

[D]

She just got her fingers up to her.

[C]

She didn't put any quarters in the payphone. The guy's starting to get skeptical. He's like, I've been being real nice to this kid who's been calling me a behind my back.

[D]

Gold's up another 15.

[C]

No, it's not.

[A]

I don't think this 14 year old with a beard is really a doctor.

[C]

I can count.

[A]

That's awesome.

[D]

That's insane. I love that. I'm doing that with myself.

[C]

Do that with me.

[D]

I'm doing that.

[C]

Pick tires on heavy. Take him to 47th street and try to buy a watch or something, you know, Keep stroking on you too.

[D]

He got a buddy who finds people on Facebook. Marketplace. Get some. Beats them up on price down to the like 35. They're asking $400. He gets them down to 35. Because now, nevermind, I'm out. He just likes beating Them up for the sport of it.

[C]

It's. Why not?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Honestly, I don't even. Like. I used to do that in art in la. That's really fun.

[D]

What?

[C]

Yeah, like paintings.

[D]

You're a psychopath.

[C]

Yeah, it's good to do.

[A]

Kick tires on real estate. Okay.

[C]

Kick tires on everything.

[D]

You really should if you pay retailers for suckers.

[C]

As a sucker born every.

[A]

Holy.

[C]

I'm sure you've done it before.

[D]

Who did the.

[A]

Who did the cooking at the house? Your mom?

[C]

My dad.

[A]

Your dad, really?

[C]

Yeah, my dad was a decent cook. He was a short order cook when he. When he was in eighth grade. You know, when he was.

[D]

But he.

[C]

He quit his. He quit school because it was like, I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna make. You know, we're in a. Everybody's.

[D]

He's made. Dudes are making moves like. Yeah, that guy's. The guy's like, I can make cash and right now you're just stifling me.

[C]

Yeah, you're. This is killing me. I can't. Could be at, you know, Meadowcrest making $9, which is really funny because this Italian guy the other night was trying to make fun of me. I was at a bar and he's like, you talk fast. You. You know, in like Italian guys. You guys are probably. Because you're good talkers. So they're probably you, I don't know. But this one over here, they always separate.

[D]

They always. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They talk to you about. Through the other guy.

[C]

Which one is it you?

[D]

Your friend over here?

[C]

Yeah, yeah, that stuff. And he's like. I started in the line making $57 and 15 cents an hour. I open my phone up, I go, what's $7 and 15 cents worth? In 1970, it was $56 an hour. I said, what, are you bragging?

[D]

Yeah. Fuck out of my face.

[C]

Nice math problem, asshole. But yeah, no, he wanted to make bread. And my dad was a cook. Dad was a decent cook. When we went broke, my aunt. My aunt hired him as a cook.

[D]

Really?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

What did she.

[C]

She ran a restaurant. My aunt took a restaurant owner, took a liking to her and gave her a job as a manager at like 20 nice. And she was running like the Bocce Club, which was a big Italian restaurant in our town. Okay, you had one? A family style chicken restaurant in your town? Supper club type?

[D]

No, not really.

[A]

Hookah de Pepe, I guess. I don't even know if that's local though.

[D]

But that's a chain. Yeah.

[C]

Why'd you say chicken we do family style chicken. And now it's a big deal.

[D]

I don't know what that means. Like just a lot of chicken on a plate.

[C]

Yeah, right. Yeah, a lot of chicken.

[D]

You're really trying to church this up. It's just a lot of chicken.

[C]

There you go. Dumbass. It's family style.

[D]

Eat up.

[C]

There you go, dummy. You and you and your diabetes family. Here you go. Have some of that.

[D]

What kind of chicken?

[A]

Mostly bones.

[C]

Roasted chicken legs.

[D]

Just a lot of roasted chicken legs.

[C]

Rosemary and salt on it.

[A]

Who does that? That's a big thing up in your.

[C]

Town, Rights Dairy is a big deal. Yep, it's a. It's like a really thing.

[D]

I feel like you live like in the forties now.

[A]

It is. Or it was back then.

[C]

This day Rights Farm is probably one.

[A]

I'm having a hard time understanding.

[C]

It's rounds, like its own thing, you know, it's its own flavor. It's been like that for a while. It's like the armpit in New England. So that's why I was like, I can't fucking wait for this.

[D]

I mean you're. You have to come back once a month at this point. We're barely, we're barely scratching this, some.

[A]

Of that fucking chicken.

[C]

Yeah, right. I'll bring a. You go, you go there and it's like a fucking human trough. But it's like French fries, like oven roasted potatoes. Simple penne, vodka. Penne, red sauce and chicken. That's it. And it's like $42, all you can eat. And you sit at a fucking picnic table filled with thousand pounders.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

And people are just hoovering this shit like it's going somewhere. Like. Like it owes them money.

[D]

Uh huh.

[C]

You know.

[A]

So your aunt got a job there.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

As the manager.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And then gave your dad a job there when.

[D]

Nice.

[A]

How old was your father when he took this job? When did he go broke?

[C]

We went broke after the car. The car dealership had some little complications with some taxes, some wise guys.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Oh, really?

[C]

Yeah. Sold a truck.

[A]

I thought you lost the index.

[C]

He got burned. He got burned by some. Some crime families, a whole load of cars. He was a good wholesaler. So he was a, you know what? A wholesaler.

[D]

That's a whole nother.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

They go to the back of the dealership and they buy the used cars from the new car dealership. That's what we. That's what he would do, essentially. He was pretty good at it. His partner, Vinnie Furla, good guy, dead now, but he was very Sound natural, right? He would drink Budweisers at 9am like this. Oh, give me another one with me at like, you know, 11. You know, that was. That was fair to. But they were pretty good at wholesaling cars. And they would run a pretty good. They would like run Subarus to the Pacific Northwest. They would run like convertible rear wheel drives to Florida where every car worked. You know, they'd buy things in Florida, ship them up here. Like pickup trucks don't sell in Florida. Well, back in the day they didn't. So it was all like that. They were pretty good at it.

[A]

The stuff that he knows is crazy.

[C]

Then they got burned saying that.

[D]

Like we're sitting around the table. I used Carlo dealership break room. You know, they can't sell a tundra in fucking Florida to save their lives.

[C]

L.A. they don't buy fucking Acuras in Los Angeles. The egos too big, right?

[A]

Sold a couple Toyota trucks of the Middle east, you know, 50 cal on the back.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

You see a bunch of Taliban guys in Shamanics.

[C]

Nice stuff too. Gun shoot straight.

[A]

Oh my God.

[C]

So he got ripped off in the.

[A]

The.

[D]

The that, that just crashed.

[C]

It just was like, all right, I'm jumping ship. And then went and worked at the. As the. It's basically a big banquet hall. Weddings.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah. What's he do now, if you don't mind me asking?

[C]

General manager of a Ford dealership.

[D]

There you go. That's a good job.

[C]

Yeah. Tried to retire. Can't retire. I always say that the retirement myth for our fathers is crazy. None of them are ever going to retire.

[D]

Mine's very much of the same. A lot of highs, high highs and low lows. I just remember being like a couple of years ago, being like, that's never gonna end. Like you're gonna. Yeah, I guess. For sure. I. I realized that it would be like if.

[C]

Are your parents still together? No, no, no. It'd be like watching your dad pick women if he could. And he's just.

[D]

I've seen that.

[C]

Yeah. He's just going down the same. Like, he's like, these fucking Latinas, I love them. Like every third week he's getting like a death threat. And he's like, dad, why do you do this to yourself? He's like, you ever see their asses though? And it's like you do this to.

[D]

Yourself in his hand.

[C]

So.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

When did you sell cars? So it wasn't. You weren't selling at your dad's dealership?

[C]

No. So I. No, I. I did when I Did that a little. I sold a few cars on my dad's dealership over the years. Like, just one, like, old man needs help, get him the keys. Would give me like a hundred bucks because the deal closed, which is one of those things. But then I sold cars when I'm between college. So I would go to college, I came back, and my dad had a job for me at a construction company making $20 an hour. I work for a week. The guy's like, here's your paycheck. And I'm like, whoa, this is nine bucks. He's like, you're a fucking kid. I was like, yeah, my dad said I was 20 bucks an hour. What the fuck's going on here? He's like. I was like, I ain't doing that for fucking nine bucks an hour. I looked in the paper and I started selling Fords when I was like, 18, and I sold Fords at Pride Ford and I loved it.

[A]

Did you stay at college at Wagner all four years?

[C]

I. No, no, no. I quit after two.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So then you're home.

[C]

I'm home.

[A]

You're 18?

[C]

Yep, I'm home. I'm 18. I'm selling cars during the summer. Went back to school. Kicked off campus.

[D]

For what?

[C]

Fighting.

[A]

Who'd you beat up?

[C]

Some kid.

[A]

Pretty sure you won.

[C]

Yeah, I did. It was unfortunate. The kid I. I was in my.

[D]

It was unfortunate for him. It sounds like.

[C]

I feel bad.

[A]

What school was it?

[C]

Steroid freak. I was on steroid.

[A]

Were you?

[C]

Yeah, I was on, like, growth hormone and Winstrel and test and deca and.

[A]

All that because of football.

[D]

Are you Jose Canseco?

[C]

Yeah. Yeah, I know. This is the thing about. There's nothing.

[D]

I was. I had an internship at BALCO Labs.

[A]

But I had 95 home runs that year.

[C]

Yeah, it really mattered.

[D]

Football team.

[C]

On their, you know, 2 and 30 football team that, you know, we lose, like, 90 to 0.

[D]

Those dudes at that time on a bad football team love steroids.

[C]

They were the guys thing to do.

[D]

They were keeping steroids in.

[A]

But if you got out of the. If you weren't playing anymore, why'd you stay on the Juice?

[C]

Fun. All my cousins were doing it. Like it was around steroids. Yeah.

[D]

You want some more chicken?

[C]

It was like Guido era. Like, it was like. It was like, oh. 020304.

[D]

Jack.

[B]

Dudes were.

[D]

That was. That was big.

[C]

It was like hair gel, roids, Jim Tan laundry. Yeah, it looked. I was a good look on me. I was like, this is fun for a little While.

[A]

Did you shave your back? Did you have that? That.

[C]

No, I had, like, rage and crying. I was. I would be like, you don't get it.

[D]

Punching someone while crying.

[C]

Punching walls and shit like that. Like banging through steering wheels.

[A]

What school were you at that you got thrown out of? Do you want to say?

[C]

I went to Wagner, and then I got. I went to Wagner, got in the fight.

[A]

Oh, wow. The fight was at Wagner.

[C]

So I came back to the campus with my football track suit on at like 7 in the morning. We had like 5am workouts, and I'd have my ID on me, and the kid wouldn't let me in the building. And I had like, a test. And I was like, dude, what the man let me in the building. Kids.

[A]

Like, sorry, can't.

[C]

Like a little peckerhead kid. And I was like, dude, I'm a football player. Like, give me a break. It's up my room. No one was around. I had to just. And I was like. I was kind of getting panicky. Well, steroidy. So I just walked around.

[D]

I got beating Zach.

[C]

I just, like, walked around the door and I got, like, huge trouble for it. They're like, you have to work a week. You can disobey the rules or I'm getting yelled at, and then I'm drunk a day later, the kid that did that's in the cafeteria, and he's like.

[D]

You'Re drunk at the cafeteria?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

Like, two of my buddies, and they're like, hey, there's that kid.

[A]

When did they start doing brunch at college, right?

[C]

I'm like, I'm cutting my Benedict as I'm putting my locks with my dill.

[D]

These eggs are poached perfectly.

[A]

Unlimited mimosas.

[C]

There's that son of a. Right as I was just about to. No. And then the kid, and he was kind of like a little bunker. He's like, you. I was like, me.

[D]

And then I just.

[C]

I hit him, and it was pretty bad. And, you know, and then I run out and the cops are running in. I'm like, there's a fight in there. And I'm like, you're running off. And I was like, oh. And then I just, like. I knew it was bad, so I went and turned myself in. I, like, was. I was like, hey, I got arrested. I went to jail for two days.

[D]

Are you Henry Hill? Yeah.

[C]

It was so bad. I was like, yep. The morality in me, you know? So then I. Then they.

[D]

That's a good. You do it. It seems like you do have a good Heart.

[C]

I'm not a bad person. I just have, you know, I had, you know, bouts of rage when you have a steroids. So don't do steroids. They're not good. And the fucked up part about one double A schools or two schools, no one's going to the fucking league, but everybody thinks they're going to the fucking league.

[D]

Yeah, the pressure. It's like a pressure cooker.

[C]

Yeah, it's their dad. Yeah, they're like bench riding baseball fathers that never played a fucking down in football. They're like, go get him, son. And I'm like, he was probably pretty good in high school, but I knew we all sucked. And I was the only guy that was kind of like a hater. Me and my buddy Aaron Winnick, we're like, we suck. Like, we lose every game. There's like 40 people in the stands. Like, we were playing with kids that played for like Texas high schools. I had like 70,000 kids in the stands and people like, yo, this blows. I should have went to temple or something.

[D]

And I was like, yeah, tu, let's go.

[C]

Yeah, like, you should have went there. I was like, this sucks. But so it wasn't like a good experience. And I just went to Salve and Salvage is like a stupid Catholic independent school in Newport, Rhode island, which is super fancy. I went for one season and then I got. I went back to Wagner.

[A]

So finish your degree?

[D]

Yeah, and some unfinished business in the cafeteria.

[C]

Finished my business management degree. Right. Finish the business. Yeah. Go back camp.

[A]

Let's talk about or frames.

[B]

You mean the best gift to give in the whole gosh darn world, Kevin.

[A]

I said let's talk about aura frames. Do you even know aura frames?

[B]

No. Please tell me what aura frames is.

[A]

We're talking about digital photos delivered right to your door, as they say. Listen, do yourself a favor. You got a grandma, you got a grandpa, got an aunt, you got an uncle, you got some in laws busting your chops about? Where are the pictures of the kids?

[D]

Show me the baby.

[A]

I want to see the pictures of the kids from the holiday jubilee, whatever they're at. Get an aura, baby. Best gift you're gonna give this holiday season.

[D]

Yeah, they got unlimited free photos and videos.

[B]

First of all, every. Every female in my family has got an aura frame. And I mean, hey, newsflash, they're getting.

[D]

A new one this year. Put one in the bedroom, put one in a kitchen, put one in a closet side.

[A]

Every female in my family.

[B]

Bust my chops, you get unlimited free photos and video. Just Download the Aura app and connect to Wi Fi. You can preload photos before. Before it ships.

[D]

Before it ships.

[B]

So fucking Inanna opens it up and bada bing.

[D]

Tasteful nudes. How you doing?

[B]

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[A]

Do it. Kevin's talking about Cash App. Cash App gang. Sending money. Do yourself a favor, send it on Cash App. It's easy, it's secure. You don't got to think about it. Don't ask a million questions when you're trying to send it. Got to get some cash to your boys. You got to take care of somebody that needs a little money this holiday season. Use Cash App.

[B]

Yeah. Cash App just released a new status program for the way people actually spend cash. Called Cash App Green. It unlocks new ways for you to pay, get rewarded, and easily grow or manage your money on your terms. Now, when you send at least $500 a month with the Cash App card or Cash App pay, you earn green status, which unlocks benefits like up to $200 of free overdraft coverage, higher borrow limits and customized personal cash back offers every Friday at places you love to shop. Who don't need that turn everyday spending into Cash App Green. Download Cash App today or visit Cash App New to learn more about this great feature they're launching now. For a limited time, Cash App Customers can earn $10 if they use the code CASHAPP10 in their profile at signup and spend and send $5 to a friend within 14 days. Terms apply. Cash App is a financial service platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App's bank partners. Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton bank member fdic. Cash App Green Overdraft coverage. Borrowing Cash back offers and promotions provided by Cash App, a Block Inc. Brand. Visit Cash App legal podcast for full disclosures. Doing.

[D]

And we're gonna get back to the show.

[A]

Back to the show.

[D]

So you have a degree? No. Okay.

[A]

Jesus Christ. God, no.

[C]

No, no, no.

[D]

Nine colleges.

[C]

Yeah. I'm like 58 credits away from an Associate's degree and like snoff eating or something.

[A]

So then you just left there again?

[C]

Yeah. No. So my dad bought a house in. In the woods. Finally we escape Rhode Island Wsocket and we go to. My dad buys a house in the meantime. My dad's buying like shitty apartment houses here and there. It was like the 94 come up to like 2000. He starts buying like four families. So he bought like two or three of them.

[A]

This is when he's cooking.

[D]

He's doing that. He's. He's buying like the four bedroom. He's taking the money out during that time.

[C]

Gets a job as the. As a maintenance guy. As like groundskeeper Willie at my private high school that I got to go to.

[D]

Go to.

[B]

Huh?

[D]

Did you go because he was. Worked there?

[C]

Yeah, I got to go for free.

[D]

That is the blue collar way to get your kid a decent.

[A]

So that's high school.

[C]

That's high school.

[A]

He hasn't started cooking yet or was he already.

[C]

He was cooking like in the. In the meantime, before that. Then he got a job as a. As a groundskeeper. Then he stayed there for a long time.

[A]

And he's. But. And why he's doing that? He's still making moves, trying to buy.

[C]

Making moves, buying houses. Not bad.

[D]

Good guy.

[C]

I mean, it was. It was around. You could buy a house for 40 grand. It was pretty cheap. It's not hard to buy a house. And you could do what's called, you know, you could take. You could do holding paper with people so guys foreclosing. Banks were calling you personally and being like, hey, do you want this house? I just got to get money on the books. And like, I'll give you five grand down. I'll give you a thousand a month. It was. It was like candy. It happened in 08 again.

[A]

But the fact that you guys know you are a dangerous family.

[D]

That's what I'm saying. He's got so much. He wields so much power. I don't know what's going on here.

[C]

Yeah, it would mean something if I wasn't fucking touring at fucking bars for 65 people a night. You know what I mean?

[D]

Like, that's a good living.

[C]

Yeah, I'm crushing it. Yeah. But so, yeah, that was happening. And yeah, so then he works at the high school. I go there, salivate. Then he buys a house in the woods, gets a landscaping company. Old man retiring, small landscaping company. Has like a worker, a dump truck, a trailer. My dad calls me up, he's like, hey, you Want to quit school?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

What year. What year are you?

[C]

I'm 04. I'm sophomore year, second semester, so I'm about to be a junior. He's like, hey, quit school back at Wagner. Yep.

[A]

Okay. After you've done the.

[C]

At the one. At the Salvation. Now I'm back. Now they let me back on campus.

[A]

Not playing football.

[C]

Not playing football? No, no. They wanted. The NCAA did a testing. My name was on the list. I was like, yeah, I'm not gonna play football.

[D]

Really?

[C]

Yeah. I was like, I'm done. I was like, I can't.

[A]

I'll fail.

[C]

I was like, I'll piss fire. Like, don't. Don't. Let's not do that.

[A]

Put on a hundred pounds in 12 days.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah, right. I'm just Latimer from the program. Just spit like. Yeah, that.

[A]

That movie. Yeah, it's came out my senior year.

[C]

Wasn't that the best football movie? Yeah, that was. That was a. That movie's Criminally slept.

[A]

We watched a fucking James Khan. Yeah, we watched that. We. Our whole team went to watch that. When it came out in the fall of my senior year.

[C]

Lethal Team. Awesome. Were you guys good?

[A]

We were okay. We won districts in the following year.

[C]

In Illinois?

[A]

No, in Pennsylvania.

[C]

Pennsylvania.

[A]

That's. Yeah.

[C]

That's heavy football.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Not. Not really our school, but I know what you're talking about. Football jersey up by him.

[C]

Yeah, it was.

[A]

There was big. Cb, West, CBS were big.

[C]

Yeah. Because I realized that when I went to college, like, we, you know, we were nasty in Rhode island, but we. Rhode Island. Who gives a. Evensavarian brothers. Boston's a big one. Like, that's nothing. Go to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Those boys.

[D]

Yeah, it was like those hillbillies.

[C]

Yeah. Florida, Texas, California boys. You're like, who the are these kids?

[A]

Wrestling was huge in our area.

[C]

Really?

[A]

Like a professional sport. Yeah, it was insane.

[C]

That's cool.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Different kind of guy. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Different kind of guy.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. But, yeah, so I quit school and did a landscaping, open a landscape.

[D]

How'd that go?

[C]

Great.

[D]

Yeah?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Really?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

So my dad, being the salesman that he is, hits up this one guy for nursing homes and gets 16 nursing homes before we even open the doors.

[D]

That's. That's the problem with you guys. Not the pride. That's your superpowers. Like, it's like, you can close. It's like on paper, a guy. I already got 300 grand on a books. Just come. Just come move to mulch. It's easy.

[C]

I'm still at the School, you take the job.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

He's like, I'll pay you. I think it was like 500 a week salary or five and a quarter a week. And I remember because the summer before that I was making, I sold cars. I made like 2500 a week. And I'm, I'm 18 years old. Like, I, I knew I was already fucked up about money. Like, I knew because I remember when, like, Morgan Stanley came to Wagner and gave like a, like, we start our analyst positions at 36,000 a year. And I was like, who gives a shit about that? I was selling fucking Ford's, the deadbeats in attleboro. Making like fucking 83,000 a year. Like, like, I give a. For working for you for 36, 000 a year in new York City. My rent's gonna be, you know, whatever it was.

[A]

Then he's like Rodney Dangerfield and back to school.

[C]

Why buy, lease. And it's like your mafia payoffs and.

[D]

What I gotta tell you?

[C]

Fantasy land, right?

[D]

I don't gotta remind you who runs the construction companies either.

[C]

Oingo Boingo's playing my.

[A]

That's a deep cut. Yeah. Danny Elfman.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Wait, so Your dad booked 16 nursing homes?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Before you even got the, like the.

[D]

Like the monthly bank. Hey, come through, you can mulch 26 cuts.

[C]

Mulching.

[D]

He remembers the contract.

[A]

Who was gonna cut all that?

[C]

The guys that we hired as soon as I got home.

[A]

How many guys we hired?

[C]

Like six, like week one. And it was like, me and a bunch of like, crusty ass fucking deadbeats. And like, you know, it's, it's like New England. So everybody's like, you know, no one speaks English. So I was like, all right, I'll hire the Barville Hicks. So it'd be like, hey, what's going on? I'm like, trust me, you wish they were you W. They were Guatemalan, lady. Like, this is way worse.

[D]

These guys are going through your medicine cabinet.

[C]

Exactly. These guys know how to open a sliding door by lifting it and sliding it left, you know.

[A]

Hey, can I in here real quick?

[C]

I gotta dump the Percocets. Make me constipated as a. I'm freaked up. Yeah. You got a cup of something I can in?

[A]

I, I, I landscaped, I don't know, for five years, all through high school and college in the summer. I loved it. But man, I remember in the woods, everybody shits.

[C]

It's crazy.

[D]

Brutal.

[C]

I never in the, I never. I'm a big public, though. You Public? What do you mean will you. Anywhere?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay, good.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

There's people who won't anyway.

[D]

No, Yeah. I don't do. You can't be a touring comedian and go like, hey, I'm only doing it.

[C]

At the hotel room.

[D]

I'll do it. A Home Depot. Home Depot's are sleeper good.

[C]

The best.

[D]

Yeah. Home Depot.

[A]

So is a cvs. You find a nice CVS going the back.

[C]

New car dealerships.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Service area. They never see you coming.

[D]

Service area.

[B]

No one.

[D]

I'm here. I'm here to pick up my dad.

[C]

Picking up my grandma. Service. Okay. Just go wreck a Honda dealership.

[A]

They never see it coming, but they know when you left.

[C]

Yeah, that's right. Like, what the fuck happened? You peeling the paint off the walls? I go into a lot.

[A]

So you take this job going great. Okay.

[C]

Build this company up. And now I'm like, now 18 and a half, 19. And I'm like, oh, I have a job. It's cool.

[A]

Your dad's making money off of the landscaping business.

[C]

He's doing that? Yeah, it's working. And he's like, you got to buy a house.

[A]

Is everybody out in this cabin? Your mom, your brother?

[C]

No, my mom's working at. She was working as a. At like a real estate brokerage. It's okay as a. As a bookkeeper, and my brother is also quit college, but.

[A]

But everybody's living in the cabin. Everybody moved.

[C]

Oh, yes, everybody's living in the cabin. There's an in law, so I'm living in the in law. It's kind of cool. My brother quit college in six days, became a realtor.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Because he had a. An older lady friend that sold my dad all his houses.

[A]

Well, I'm sorry, you mean it took him six days to quit or he only went to college for six days.

[C]

He only went to college for six days. And he was like, I'm went to Suffolk Law. And he was like, nah, this isn't for me. Fuck this. Came home, got his real estate license, started selling houses right away.

[A]

You don't make it a week.

[D]

That's awesome.

[C]

Yeah, we hate college. Like, my parents are like, college is for idiots.

[D]

Also, who knows? In six days, that's like the funnest week of college.

[C]

Yeah, I know.

[D]

Fucked up. You're like hitting on chick. This ain't for me.

[C]

Yeah, you're hooking up with like fucking track girls that you've never hooked up before.

[D]

Because there's. At the first week of college, there's no cool, like every. It's. It's a wild West. The circles aren't set yet. There's no hierarchy. There's no nothing.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Like, you think pretty girls that are pretty, they end up not being pretty. Like, oh, I thought you were hot. Oh. You're kind of a fucking weird dork that.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Shits in the showers or whatever, you know.

[D]

That was me.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

I thought you were cool. You're kind of a weird dork.

[C]

Yeah. Shit's in the shower. This guy. Yeah. I heard a pissing in the shower, not shit in the shower. That's crazy.

[A]

You kick it down the train with your feet.

[C]

Okay. That's interesting.

[A]

All right. We shit in there.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

I mean, I guess it works. All right, so now we're doing that. That and what age are we at?

[D]

18.

[C]

I'm 18.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

It's wild.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

This guy's crazy.

[D]

He's gonna have. He's gonna hold the lease to this place.

[C]

I wish. No, again, I'm. I'm. I'll be. Open up a Randy's Bar and Grill next week for, you know, I wish all this stuff equated to whatever it equates to.

[D]

But you're moving tickets out there.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Selling. But I. You know how it is. You know, you always. This comparison is the thief of joy, as Brene Brown says. I'll be talking to, like, you know, one of these other guys and like, yeah, I gotta hit up Shane last week. I was like, hey, Shane, how's those fucking stadiums treating you, dickhead? Check out this green room. I'm in the middle. I'm in, like, an axe murderer's bedroom.

[D]

This is not a keg.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

This is cool. I'm skateboarding on a skateboard with no wheels on it, you know.

[A]

You still got the landscaping money, though.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Right.

[A]

That's still doing it.

[C]

Still coming in. No, I.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

So that. We did that for years. I did it for three years. I bought a house. In the middle of that. In the middle of that, my dad's friend Vinnie comes back, he goes, nick, I know a company that's converting apartments to condos. That was a big thing thing in, oh, six.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

Boston company called Schumacher was buying 30. 30, 40, 50 unit apartments and turning them into condos, like developing an HOA doc.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. So he goes, go give this deadbeat driver. He's a driver, you know, like a parts driver. Yeah, like a title registry guy. Guys who sit in the dealership and go register cars for 40 bucks.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

They'll do like five in a day. This guy lived in one of the apartments. He has no money. He's. He's. He looked like fucking Wayne Gro from Heat. Remember Heat?

[D]

Yeah, Remember it? He watches it every morning.

[A]

Hey, what's going on?

[C]

Like, I had to get it on, man.

[A]

He was going to make a move.

[C]

Yeah. Wayne, girl, I'm smashing his head into a fucking diner. So I go. Have to go see Wayne. My dad kind of sends me in a loan. He's like, you have to go see Wayne grow and give him five grand to give you his position to buy the condo for 120. But it was Oceanfront in Warwick.

[D]

All right, so hold on. There's this guy, this relative, as you call him, a deadbeat.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

And you have to go. You're buying the option, the right to buy when it goes condo.

[C]

Correct.

[A]

Who comes to you with this?

[C]

My dad's friend, Vinnie.

[D]

Your dad's friend Vinny?

[C]

Yep. Because he was buying. Because he bought one too.

[D]

Gotcha.

[C]

He's like, there's a better. He's got the best. Wayne Grows. And he did. He hooked me up with the better one because it was like. It was like a V shaped and it was on the ocean. It was called Ocean 40 in Warwick.

[A]

You're 21?

[C]

I'm 19.

[A]

You're 19?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You had already. You own the home? Yeah, bought a house.

[C]

I bought it on my. I think it was. I was 19. I bought on my 20th when I closed on it. Cuz I remember I closed on it my birthday and then I sold it. I'll tell you how I sold.

[A]

Are you living in it?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Is it by your. Where your dad lives in the cabin?

[C]

Nope. It's kind of like where it's Warwick is like a wannabe rich waspy town where like the insurance whites live.

[A]

Are you driving back and forth to do the landscaping stuff?

[C]

Yep. I'd show up there every day. That was.

[D]

What's the car at this point?

[C]

F350 diesel. I was not. Then I was. I was like. Then I was like starting to ball out like an idiot. Oh, I went through some cars then like drug money. Then I started to buy. Then I started like. So you buy a credit card. That was good. Then you buy a car. And then I started to do stupid shit. First car at the auction. FX35 infinity red. Second car.

[D]

Doing this at the auction?

[C]

Yeah, I was buying it from the auction. First car again.

[A]

Birthday.

[C]

Go with Vinny. Drinking driveway home.

[A]

You are an Olympic level dirt bag. Oh yeah, I fucking love it.

[C]

It drink and drive the whole way home.

[D]

First car was at a police auction or.

[C]

No, no, Odessa, the big car auction. I went to go buy like, an M3 and S4 or an FX35.

[D]

What the. An FX35.

[C]

FX35 is the Infiniti SUV.

[A]

They only made three of them.

[C]

Yeah, in cherry red.

[D]

That.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah, that car when. That car. It's that exact one right there. Oh, my God. For 28 grand. It was an 04. It was cool. I think I bought the other first gen. So I buy that, trade that in in three months, buy a 2500 Duramax.

[A]

Crew cab still on roids?

[C]

Nope.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

No. Now I'm just kind of drinking a lot. I'm hanging out with, like, DJ Pauly D's friends. He's from Rhode island, so. Mike Morgan, good friend of mine.

[D]

There's a thing that was. That was Bam Margera with us. Like, you can get. I never.

[C]

I would have traded immediately.

[A]

Sure.

[D]

For sure. Damn it. Our friends would.

[C]

It would.

[A]

No money down.

[D]

How you. How close to that circle you could get?

[C]

Could you get close to Bam?

[D]

No. Mean, I was probably three rings out.

[C]

I was three rings out.

[D]

A kid I knew stayed at the house.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

At the Castle.

[C]

Yeah, like that. Yeah.

[D]

Kid I knew would stay at the Castle.

[C]

Like, the Pauly D Project was Mike Morgan. He was in it. And I used to go to his parties all the time and get, like, alcoholism, like alcohol. Like alcohol poisoning, like, every year. We were like, like, you know, 1920 piece of shit. But they were all there. Like, all those guys I like, oh, that was a big deal. That was a.

[D]

When you're in a. Not a New York, and you have, like, that's. That might. Pauly D might as well be fucking Tom Cruise, literally. And you're never gonna get. It's like. That is the most famous person you'll ever come in. Relative contact.

[C]

And my friend Ron, Barry's brother, Randy. Barry was on the Real World and he would party with us all the time.

[D]

Who was he on the Real World?

[C]

He was Randy from the Real World, San Diego. And girls used. They used their fucking pussies would melt off when they saw.

[D]

Oh, I remember. This guy was hot, dude, didn't he?

[C]

I've never seen people flip out more than a Real World. We'd be at, like, a PC bar, Providence College, which is like, hot Irish hockey girls that are kind of like, with it, you know, everybody's favorite. You know what I mean? Girl freckles kind of beat 7, 2 to 8, 4.

[D]

Every one of my cousins feels high Too. Shout out, Bridget. Shout out to. Oh yeah.

[A]

Stop it.

[C]

Oh yeah. Jesus Christ. Like field hockey girl. That's the one. You know, like kind of funny, really good sense of humor. Does like physical humor.

[D]

Drink a lot.

[C]

Yeah, they run through doors and shit in your face. They're like Chris Farley, the girl. Yeah, yeah, but they're kind of pretty. That's. That's my type. So I. And we would go to PC with this guy. It was like. It was literally like bringing like fucking Spanish fly. Like it was. It was like kicking a bottle of Spanish fly on the ground in the bar. And girls would be like, oh my God, Brad from the real world. Like now my father Brad came in. I remember him clapping out a girl in the back of my dad's. My dad flipped out at a midlife crisis. Bought a Hummer. A red Hummer. H2. During this time, I feel like your.

[D]

Dad'S probably had nine midlife crisis.

[C]

Oh yeah, yeah, he had a really good one. It was like red Hummer. I mean you might as well totally really want to fucking give head. I was like, why don't you wear a prom dress? Do that. Jesus Christ.

[D]

What's up? I'm here to party and I might up blow. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. What? It's cool. No, it's not.

[D]

Brad. You met Brad?

[C]

Yeah, he was. I remember like, he's like, hey, can you give me a ride back to this girl's dorm room? And I just like, yeah, dude, no problem. Are you kidding me? I'm like a fucking, you know, the little like the low rung and the totem pole. I'm like, no problem, dude. And I just like, look back here. Like, look back, he's just clapping an open legged fucking freshman, like. And I was like, wow, this is awesome.

[D]

Hollywood dude made it.

[C]

I'm going to the Oscars next year so that. That all stuff's going on. And. And then I think it was like I had a summer of partying and I was like, man, I gotta stop spending like 500 bucks on a week and going hammer. You know, it was a great time or. And then I bought the condo and I gave him. He wanted five grand and Wayne grow. And he's. I was like, look man, I don't got five grand. I got seventeen hundred bucks. And he's like, are you kidding me, dude? And he told me, you give me five grand. I was like, I don't have. I don't have it. And you got to get out either way. So do you want it? And I remember like My move was always hold the money out in front and make sure it was in loose bills. If you're ever buying anything at a flea market, hold the money out front and say, do you want it? And make sure the last number is a nine.

[D]

Wait, what?

[C]

Why? I'll give you an example. Say someone wants $350. You offer them. Instead of offering them 150, offer them $189. Make sure the last digit is high. It's a stupid thing, but they'll be like, really?

[D]

Because if it was 1:70, they'd be.

[C]

Like, no, no 9.

[A]

I thought you meant the serial number on the bill.

[C]

No, no, no. Just like, not. I have $109. Then hold it in front of them. Do you want it? And nobody says no. It's like. It's like a 9.7 out of 10 times. You'll close.

[D]

That guy's constantly closing.

[C]

Well, I have to buy it. I'll get into later, but. Yeah, you always have. You're always doing those deals. You'll. You'll see that people, whatever. It's an old lady. Who gives a shit? She fucking watch. She watch you melt in a barrel fire. Who gives a shit?

[D]

All right, so you buy the. You buy the option to buy that.

[C]

I buy that, I move in.

[D]

1700 bucks.

[C]

Yep.

[D]

Then you get. You get this condo.

[C]

I get a no DOC loan.

[D]

From who?

[C]

My cokehead friend Matt?

[D]

He gave you 120 cash.

[C]

No, no, no. This is when. Remember when loans you didn't have to use. It was called stated income. I made like.

[D]

You just had to say, this is what I made.

[C]

That's right. So it was like. I made like.

[D]

This is essentially what brought down the world economy.

[C]

It's happening right now. DSCR Loans are doing right now, but Baltimore. It's happening right now, but there was no DOC loans. The other guy in Baltimore is doing his crush. It just came out this morning. Anyway, so, like, I was like, yeah.

[D]

I mean, read the trades.

[C]

I make 90. I was in the paper this morning. Yeah, I got a loan for. I said I'd made 90 grand. It was a lie. I didn't make 90 grand.

[D]

I did that with Apple to get a MacBook.

[C]

Nice. Well, how'd you. How'd you slide out of there?

[D]

They said, how much do you. I did it on the computers. And how much you make? I said, $300,000. This is when the podcast. It was like the first week of the podcast.

[C]

Criminal. They should lock you up. They were like, hey, good job, Hannibal Lecter over here. You're gonna be doing life after this.

[A]

Guy stealing retirement homes. You're talking about your Venmo credit card. Shut up.

[C]

I'm sticking pickaxes in little old ladies heads. I'm shooting them like John Joe Pesci in the movie.

[A]

You can embarrass us in front of Brad if he ever shows up.

[C]

Brad from the Real World. I did that with a fact.

[D]

I was just going, oh, yes, I've done that. Yes. So man.

[C]

So I get that.

[D]

Get back to the Ponzi scheme.

[C]

This is really good. You're gonna love this. This is the most. This is like the. So I sell that. I kind of know. I have a car payment and the mortgage payment and my parents, like they're not in the help you out kind of parents. They're like, you did this to yourself, go drown. And I'm like, well, you wanted a fucking F150. You know, I traded this. I traded for that. Now I have a car payment of like 632amonth, you know, And I got a mortgage of like 9:38 and I'm making 55,000. And after taxes it's like basically I have like $400 a month to live on. You're breaking. I'm not doing well. This is like five months in, like right when I'm starting to crack. And I'm like, fuck. And I'm not getting the business. Doesn't do enough to get me a raise. 11 o' clock at night. My coked out friend that sold me the house, my mortgage broker, I gotta buy this fucking condo from you. It's oceanfront and I want it real bad. And I was like, he's like, I'll give you. I paid 120.

[A]

There's $109.

[C]

109 cash. You'll take it, won't you? And I'm like, at that point he goes, I'll give you a hundred and eighty thousand for it. I was like, hold out your hand. Sold. I go, I literally. We have a cigarette. I shut the door, he leaves. I'm packing my up that dirt bag paperwork right there.

[A]

You're packing your shit up that night.

[C]

I'm like, when do you want it? He's like, like, I know he's crazy. He's like a autistic, really talented cokehead. Like, he's too good to be a mortgage broker. He was too good. He should have never been brokering mortgages like with this brain and that much drugs. Because he'll do. He could do a loan in his car. Like, he was that good. You know, he could be like, all right, sign here. Like he was like that, that kind of. And he had like, no rules.

[D]

You're gonna make one of those great guys. When they look back at your life when you're like 75, if you make it, you'll be like 75. And you. He'd be like, this guy could do a deal in his car. That's how good he was. So fast, so fast. Like all the characters in your life.

[C]

He had a printer in his fucking glove box.

[D]

He was the first guy to have a fax machine and a Dodge Durango.

[C]

He tethered in the fucking apartment buildings that he was at. He'd go to Kinko's. His always win there, bud. So we did that. Like we closed in seven days. He pushed me. I remember he was like, nick, I was fucked up. I can't give you one idea. Negotiated.

[D]

Okay?

[C]

So he pushed me like 10 grand. He's like, I'll give you 170. I was like, still done? Still fine. I take 50,000. I know. Now I'm like, is he paying you.

[A]

Cash or does he.

[C]

He did a loan too. Okay, so he's that good.

[D]

He loaned them.

[C]

This is a real.

[A]

You don't really get that money. You just get out of your thing.

[C]

I got 50 grand.

[A]

Okay?

[C]

So I now I have 50,000 in profit. So I'm like, clearly I'm Don Trump. Clearly, I'm the best.

[D]

The first thing in your mind is go claim that on your taxes.

[C]

Right?

[D]

Right.

[C]

Yeah, literally. So I'm like, well, I'm clearly a millionaire. I had like. I think it was like $53,000 in my bank. I've never. I remember the day I left, I was like, I'm living with my parents again.

[A]

What happened to the house that you bought?

[C]

The. The condo? I sold it to him.

[A]

No, what happened to the original house? That was the house that was okay.

[C]

That was the one.

[A]

All right.

[C]

So now I'm back in my parents basement. But I go, I find this house. Now this is right when the market's doing this. It's starting to turn. I find a duplex. I'm like, now I'm going into multi families. I'm going to do the condo conversions. I find this one on the. On one of my routes. I'm like, I'm gonna buy this house for 289. I call Matt, I go, matt, I want to buy this house. He goes, okay, cool. At the same time, I find another piece of property that can run my landscaping company, pull it out of my parents house. And it's a house and a commercial property with a billboard, a Lamar billboard, and a lot. I'm gonna kill it. I'm gonna have all. I'm gonna have these two units and the house. The Lamar paid like 4,000 a year. It was something. It was like 400 bucks a month or something. So like, all right, cool, we'll do this. Blah, blah, blah. He goes, all right, here's what we're gonna do. You're gonna buy both houses from different banks. You're approved for 389.

[A]

Just the cokehead.

[C]

This is the cokehead, okay? Now I love this kid.

[A]

Of course.

[C]

He goes, you're gonna do this one from Chase, you're gonna do this one from bank of America. And that's gonna be great. So I buy. We're gonna close on the same day.

[D]

Talk.

[C]

They don't talk. So I close on talking. I close on the other one. I close on two houses, bang, the same day. Now I have $750,000 in debt, yet I'm like 21. 20, 20 and a half. I got the. No, the 53 grand's gone. Yeah, it's gone. And now I'm like, so now I have the two family in North Providence, and I have the commercial in situate that I'm now running my company out of. I'm living in one of them. I rented the house to my uncle, blah, blah. I got everything straightened out. I think I'm the smartest kid in the world. I call Kiplinger's magazine, I'm like, hey, listen, I figured out a glitch. Kiplinger's magazine, which is like the Forbes of kids.

[D]

Kiplingers, you call them.

[C]

I call them to like, I want to be a writer because I'm so smart.

[D]

How much coke are you doing?

[C]

Yeah, none. I didn't do coke until way until an hour ago.

[D]

Kiplinger personal finance and investing, it was like a thing.

[C]

So I'm like, hey, I figured they called me back. I remember I was on like one of my lawnmowers. I turned the lawnmower.

[D]

I was on one of my lawnmower. Like, hey, you're the only guy to field a Kiplinger phone call on your lawnmower.

[C]

And they're like, hey, we want to talk to you about what you figured out. And I was like, yeah, so if you don't talk to the banks to. If you don't let the banks talk to each other there, you can buy Two houses and they're like, that's bank fraud. And I was like, oh my God, you aching up after. Oh, let you.

[A]

Sorry, the landscapers are here. I gotta go by.

[C]

Just hang up the phone. And I was like, you know, then. Then like the wheels started to come off. Everything I did a fit such.

[D]

Dude, talk about keeping the plate spinning.

[C]

Dude, I moved a stripper in on a favor from my father from this guy from a construction company. His. His gumada had to move into my house. She shows up in a Honda Accord.

[D]

Into one of the duplexes.

[C]

Into one of the duplexes.

[A]

No rent.

[C]

No, she paid. She was gonna pay rent. It was 1800amonth. It was a three bedroom hot dish, 31 lot of miles.

[D]

What's. What's the. Yeah. What's the fluff?

[C]

No.

[A]

Field hockey player.

[C]

Yeah. No, not none of these sweet field hockey players with this great sense of humor. Nothing. Like your cousin call you a pussy. Cousin Siobhan call you a pussy.

[A]

That's.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

[D]

What's the. What's the. What's the profit on the duplex and the rent? Like, are you.

[C]

Are you.

[D]

Is there, like, is there good wiggle room there?

[C]

Not much. So I really need.

[D]

Not enough to get you out of it.

[C]

Not enough to like. Like I couldn't rent it and the market's going like this and it's starting to tip. So like 1800 was tallish for this three bedroom, one bath. I'm living in one with my boys who are starting to stiff me a little bit. My boys are like, I'll get you next week. Yeah, yeah. They're like, dude, I gave you weed last week. And I was like, so what, like $300 a month each? Like, I figured it would be like 300. 300. And I live for. Basically I wanted to break even.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

You know, that was all you.

[D]

Live for free.

[C]

Live for free. Moves in with her fucking kid. She's got a Lincoln School for Girls uniform. That's the most expensive school in the state.

[D]

The kid.

[C]

The kid. And I'm like, you can't fake that. That school's 30,000. This has to be some sort of, I don't know. Come to find out, she moves in, I say yes, she pays me the first month, everything's fine, Hunky dory. And three months in starts to get a little dicey.

[D]

Doing a lease and stuff. Or is this handshake deals that's all.

[C]

Fucking like, oh, like, you know. You know, Jimmy, it's fucking like this. And I'm I'm fucking now. I'm like, you know, six months goes by, I'm 21 years old. I'm still, like, fresh faced.

[A]

This is fucking insane.

[C]

It's stupid. It's stupid is what is. Then I'm like, hey, listen, Trista, whatever her name was, you need to fucking pay the rent here. I'm gonna call your fucking boyfriend, like. And then it comes to find out how her daughter has the school uniform. She got a divorce from the richest guy, strip club owner, and his only liability was to pay for school. And she hammered him and then picked the most expensive schools in the state just to get him. That's why she's a deadbeat. She moves her sister in, also a stripper. Now I'm like, you got to be fucking kidding me. So now I have two strippers living in. I'm living the other one. I'm trying to renovate a part. I'm doing this thing where everybody who buys houses tries to renovate houses too much. I'm ripping kitchens apart. I'm doing bathrooms, I'm painting too much. I'm fucking just doing too much. And I'm. I have no money. I'm living check to check. And do you know how you did.

[A]

You know how to do this construction? Yeah, a little bit.

[C]

Like, I had my. My dad did him growing up. I used to work as my dad. Like, I was like free, cheap labor when I was 12, 13, 14, 56, 17, 18, 19, 20. And I had like, consult union delegate.

[D]

From 98 to 2002. What are you talking about?

[C]

Like, guys, and they love to tell you how to do a job. You know, these guys, they love to sit there, how do I do this job? Come over. All right, I'll be by. They tell you. They like give you the laundry list of shit you have to do. And you're like, all right, right. It's all hell. And you're like, it, I'll do it. So it was like the thing to do in, like, where I lived. I hung out with.

[D]

Got a table saw. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

You like group tools. Like, I'll bring my X by, you bring your Y by. And then it was just that. But you like everybody. You do too much. You know, you. You think you can go to Ikea and do kitchens and this and that thing. It just all blew up my face. I was a. Before you know it, the 50 grand's gone. Two strippers are living next door. I'm getting stiffed. I'm collecting rent from weird old men. Actually, you know, the Guy. So anyway, him some weird professor from New Hampshire. Yeah. Wow, guys, that was really great during the break. Funny story during the break. But anyway, like, that guy would pay. So this was fun. And then it was just like that. But then eventually just I had to evict her, and I had to go through an eviction. That's like, a night.

[D]

That's a nightmare process.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

She's for everybody.

[C]

They think it's funny. Like, the people who are getting evicted think it's, like, cool. I love. It's like. It's like when bums think they're cool for crossing the street slow, and you want to, like, just floor it and turn them into, like, pancake batter.

[D]

I don't think I've ever had that.

[C]

No. You never seen one, like, get cool on you across street?

[A]

Like, I know exactly what you're talking about.

[C]

You smell like piss. Like, fuck you.

[D]

The ball's on you.

[A]

Did she trash the place before she left?

[D]

Yeah, they always do.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

They never just leave hat and. Because it would never get to eviction if they were like, hey, listen, just give me a month. Month, and I'll get out of here. Right, Right.

[C]

It's never like, hey, listen, could you. And I tried to work it out, like, six times, and just. It didn't.

[A]

You never got any flack from the boyfriend?

[C]

No, no, he was. Yeah. And I was like this. Wow, big shot. I can't even pay his, you know, 650. You know, whatever the hell he has to pay to do this.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

It was always, like, a little. Because I'm 21. They're like, 60.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

You know what I mean?

[D]

Your dad. There's the older generation.

[C]

Yeah. Like, pay for it, big shot. Yeah, I'm 20. Where's the money? Like, come on. This is easy. I could. Did you think about in hindsight, like, I could do that?

[A]

Did you ever go to him and say, hey, she's not paying the rent to the. To the guy?

[C]

Yeah, I text him. This is, like, right when texting. Said I'd be like, hey, Trish is not giving me the money. Dude, I need money.

[D]

I need my winch troll.

[C]

Yeah, she's going through it. Yeah. She's going through a tough time. And it always, like, side.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah. Of course.

[C]

Simping for a single mom. So. But then. Then I just. Then I just totally defunct on the house total. Didn't pay it. Then I was like. Then I realized, it's over.

[D]

They took it.

[C]

They took it.

[D]

You got foreclosed on.

[C]

So I. I called the Bank. The other one, the one with the billboard there was. They were doing this thing called loan modifications.

[A]

The other one with the billboard.

[C]

The billboard, yeah.

[D]

Right. I have a such a distinct picture in my head.

[C]

If you had 300,000, they could say, all right, you owe me 200,000. That was like a thing like, all right, we're erase a hundred. The day that one, I had a guy come buy me out for 300,000 on that one. My dad snagged all the money on that one.

[D]

So there was a hundred thousand on top.

[C]

There was a hundred.

[A]

Why?

[D]

How'd your dad get involved?

[C]

He was in a little bit of trouble.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

So he needed the bread.

[D]

Gotcha.

[A]

All right.

[C]

And I was like, whatever. We didn't talk after that for a long time. This one no loan mod bank of America was like, nah, we don't do that. And I was like, all right, well.

[D]

You should talk to your voice and chase.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Now all of a sudden you don't talk.

[C]

Yeah, I know you're gonna be chasing me for a little while. You're chasing the keys for. And I was like, how long? And then I talked to my boy. I was like, how long? Until like the cops come? And they were like, probably a year. I was like, cool. I met my buddy Sam Hyde at the time. And I was like, hey, you want to do stand up? I was started to do stand up in the middle of all this.

[D]

It's always like a fucking like, you know what? Let's make life easier and start trying to do stand up comedy.

[C]

This would be cool. So I went and I just did stand up. And I hated. I wanted to write for Saturday Night Live. That was like my dream. So I wrote a lot of sketches and then I wanted to do a website for my landscaping company in the middle of this. And I had my buddy Sam who went to RISD with my cousin. He was like, hey. He called me up and he's like, hey, do you still want to do comedy? I was like, hell yeah. I was like, why don't you move your into my house? I have like a. You don't have to, like, we don't have to pay rent. We're going to foreclose in this house so we can. The electricity's on. We're going to like crash this place out. Move in. Sound guys move in. So we had like two dudes, like, just people living. It looked like this. This is what my living room looked like for like six months. And all my friends who knew me, all my guido friends are going like, what the are you doing here, Roach for? This is weird. You're like an artsy guy now. And we were doing like, weird videos. Yeah, this is fucking.

[A]

You're not going to do scams no more.

[D]

I got a pump and dump scheme I'm working on.

[C]

I got a tele dialer. Can you believe it? Right? You can. All right. When the iron's hot. Yeah. So then we just started making comedy videos and then it was just. I foreclosed on the house and that was pretty much it.

[D]

So you got a proper foreclosure on you?

[C]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, no, my credit score went from like, you know, 700 to. It was like 401 or something. It was so low that 409. My cousin was like, like, dude, this is artfully bad. Like, you are a criminal. You. This is like, you have to. This. This is hard to get this low. Like, at your age. This is like. You should be impressed. This. You are a loser in the eye of the banks. Like they. They would. They should throw you through the front doors of the bank by your, like.

[A]

Shirt collar, Eddie Murphy and Beverly Hills.

[C]

Yeah, Just like, literally.

[A]

So you sell the one, your dad gets that money, you deal with this.

[C]

Yeah. Now I'm like dead broke. I had a Harley to my name that I sold for five. Why?

[A]

When did you get that?

[B]

I bought it.

[C]

One of my dad's friends gave me a deal on a Harley I bought.

[D]

I think I found a problem. Yeah.

[A]

Did you know how to ride a motorcycle before that?

[C]

Yeah, kind of. So I rode Harley's for like a half a year. It was fun. It was. Actually, I didn't like it that much. I built like a Harley with like this old Hell's angel friend of my dad's. It was cool.

[A]

What? It was cool.

[C]

Remember when like choppers, remember, like, OCC was around?

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

And like biker build off and like Detroit brothers and all those guys were.

[A]

Building the early 2000s. Really got their hook in you, bro.

[C]

Oh, dude, it was bad. Act like fucking mad. Maxim magazine was in my blood. You know what I mean?

[D]

Shout out fhm.

[C]

I had to like drown my Jennifer Love Hewitt. Yes. What you wouldn't have done for.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Jamie Presley. Oh, Jamie Presley. She's in Rhode island right now at Comic Con. I wanted to drive home last night. I was like, sorry, hon, we're getting a divorce. I'm gonna go chase Jamie.

[D]

I'm gonna go take my shot at the convention.

[C]

Get him away from me. I'm like running out of like Borat. Pam Anderson putting a bag over, running through. She was there. I found out. I was like, what the fuck is she doing there?

[A]

I mean, you know, I think you're a genius.

[C]

No, like, proper. No, no. This is all like. It was all like, happenstance and believing a little bit of faith will go along.

[A]

Now, you're.

[D]

He's.

[C]

You're a super smart guy, obviously, but used in the.

[D]

I mean, you're very much of, like, twisted and evil. You remind me very much of my father, which is not a good.

[C]

I'm proud of you, son. Listen, buddy, no matter what your mom says, I'm proud of you.

[D]

Change your act. It don't end well.

[C]

I just want you to know, after I pass, I just want to let you know. I've always. I tell everybody you've been dead to me for years. I should have called you. Every night, I pull your phone number up, I stare at it, and I just don't have the balls to call you. I'm so proud of you.

[D]

That's probably. Probably dead on. That's probably.

[C]

I told you. Smart. You know that song from Uncle Buck? I play that song song too.

[D]

He's more of an Uncle Cracker kind of guy. Oh, cool.

[C]

I mean.

[D]

Okay, well, we're gonna have to put. I mean, there's obviously, you know, another seven.

[A]

I think you should move in here, to be honest with you.

[D]

No, no, no. Do not know. And we're changing the locks, even though he never even seen a key.

[C]

No, I wish.

[D]

I mean, make sure that ring camera is working.

[A]

I'm first of all blown away.

[C]

Yeah, I. No, I mean, I'm sure everybody's got their fair share of every. I think all comedians got.

[A]

I couldn't. I couldn't. I couldn't even keep up with what the hell was going on.

[C]

I promise you, there's no elaboration.

[D]

I promise you. I don't have your wallet.

[C]

All my hair is gone. You know what I mean? Like, you know, it's just. There's a lot of evidence of, like, that. Do you guys have bad tattoos?

[D]

No, I never got. I never had the money for a.

[A]

Not one. I'm sure you have plenty.

[C]

I'm just gonna say. Don't you have a nice bad tattoo? No fat guy would have bad that. I know you don't have one. Like, stupid, like the little devil man or something. Cheeseburgers, Tasmanian Devil on your shoulder blade or something. Footprints of your dog or something.

[A]

You got the roadrunner on my calf.

[C]

Got the praying hand that says you or something.

[A]

I Saw a guy yesterday, big fat guy with a lacrosse. Like a lacrosse head stick on the back of his calf. And I was like, I bet that guy sucked.

[D]

Yeah, Goalie written all over.

[C]

Rapist.

[A]

Had the Indian feather on it too. I was like, that guy stung it with us.

[C]

Oh, man. Yeah. Bench rider.

[D]

Well, we'll obviously have, you know, I want to. Before we. We've got to wrap it up, unfortunately. What? The same read. You came with a bottle of water from the St. Regis Hotel. Which.

[C]

Can we get a favorite?

[D]

Can we get a rate on a night at the St. Regis?

[C]

It's. It's low right now.

[A]

He knows these things.

[C]

The St. Regis is. It's points. It's Marriott Bonvoy points. I'm married. I'm married. My wife, say, was a TJX buyer. She was a hotel person.

[D]

Well, I've learned this. I learned this on story.

[A]

Yeah. Who did you marry? That's what I want to know.

[C]

Irish girl, just like his cousin. No, Jessica Quinn.

[A]

What does she do?

[C]

She was a buyer for TJX Court Home goods.

[D]

That's the brand.

[C]

That's like the big brand. So home goods, women's contemporaries and stuff like that.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Job, staying in hotels a lot. We end up meeting in an antique store. I end up selling antiques. In the middle of that, I end up buying another house at tax sale, which is another story for another time. But I sell antiques with her. I open antique store. I say, listen, I'm a straight guy that sells antiques. Find me a girlfriend to the little lady that runs the store. She goes, okay, no problem. Sure as shit. Week later, she's like, there's a girl over there.

[A]

Wait, you were buying antiques before? Beforehand, before you met her?

[C]

Yeah. Why? I went to an auction by accident. An antiques auction. I was looking online and I was at a weird flea market. And the guy goes, come to my auction on Mondays. You'll steal shit. And I said, okay. And then I went there and I started stealing shit. Like just dollar for stuff. And I was like, this is cool, this is cool, this is cool. And I started selling it at antiques mall and making like an extra 500 a week. And I started running yard sales out in the front of my yard as I was foreclosing on the other one. And I was making 522 three yard sales. Yard sales, Protoma, Craigslist. And you can make like an extra nickel a week.

[D]

Anybody calls a nickel.

[A]

Have you ever done anything normal?

[C]

I sold cars. I like, I sold cars a lot. In the middle, I sold for accurate I sold for Mercedes Benz for three years. I was like a. I was a good Mercedes Benz sale. I sell 300 cars a year.

[A]

You know, I don't think there's anything you probably can't.

[C]

I have a lot of miles on me. I'm like. I'm like a fucking whore.

[A]

How old are you now?

[C]

41. 40. Yeah. Yeah.

[D]

You look pretty good.

[A]

You're great.

[C]

I take my shirt off, my body.

[D]

Will tell you, this is a shirt on podcast. I don't know.

[C]

It's all bad tattoos. Yeah, it's all bad tattoos. You put your two fingers on my liver. You're like, dude, get to the hospital right now. I'll give you an ambulance ride. Yeah.

[D]

Visible hernias.

[C]

Yeah, I have, like, blood. I have John. I have Michael Jordan eyes.

[A]

So you stand at the St. Regis?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

What's the. So is that purely on points?

[B]

That's.

[C]

Yeah, it's usually on points. You come a little bit of a hotel, Sloane? What? Like, I like hotels. You guys stay. Must stay.

[D]

We don't stay in nice hotels.

[A]

We do a Hampton.

[C]

Don't you have a tour bus?

[D]

No, we. I mean, we've rented a tour bus.

[C]

You know how much a tour bus is?

[D]

We've rented. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

That's.

[A]

That's.

[C]

That's crazier than any St. Regis.

[A]

We have a conversion van that we have.

[D]

We bought it. We bought it fully loaded from Fred Bean. Shout out. Fred Bean. Shut up. Fred Bean. Fully loaded.

[C]

I hope you gave it to him for invoice less cost assured conversion.

[D]

He didn't. We didn't even get it.

[C]

Unbelievable. What's the interest rate? If you don't call him. Damn it.

[D]

I didn't know.

[C]

Snagged you. I could have got a Mercedes months ago for 83 grand. One of those $200,000 ones. I have a Sprinter van. I bought a Sprinter. I bought a Sprinter. Yeah, you can't driving it me.

[A]

What are you doing with.

[C]

For scuffed Realtor Tours live. Yeah, I drive kind of like you guys. I'm not in a Provost or Prevost like you guys.

[D]

No, we're in a. No, that. No, we're. We're usually in the Chevy Express, and then every was modified by Chevy Explorer. No, it was modified by.

[C]

With a high roof.

[D]

Yeah, we got the high roof with the window, tv, captain's chairs.

[C]

What they get you for that? A buck.

[D]

Buck. Oh, five ninety.

[C]

Ninety hot.

[D]

It's a 2003. Don't tell nobody.

[C]

Oh, is it champagne color? What color?

[D]

Nah, navy blue.

[C]

Navy blue.

[A]

Nick, can I tell you something? I love you, man. You're like not one of my favorite people of all time.

[C]

I'm here anytime. You guys. You guys are the. I knew. I heard. I've heard nothing but good things about you guys always. So I was really, really looking forward to doing as soon as you said. I was like, yes, I'll be there Monday.

[D]

Yeah. You did not disappoint. He's like, what time? 11:30, 11:39.

[C]

I got my kids in the car. I made them a stage. They could bring in my kids.

[A]

You have kids?

[C]

I have two kids. You have two daughters.

[A]

You brought them here with you?

[C]

Yeah, they're at the hotel. They're at the other boy. Yeah, they're eating. Yeah, they're buying beef bourguignon. Right.

[D]

Counterfeit bags in Times Square.

[C]

Yeah, exactly. My luck. My wife will be like, she's probably in the back of a cab right now. But she said, yeah, she's probably at Sacks. I was like, just go buy sale something stupid. I went to FAO Schwartz this morning with my kid. I snuck in the back door of the line. That was a good idea. What'd you steal? I tried to. Yeah, no, I. We. I stole the people's time because it was a line. And then I saw this like gypsy lady just opening the door, walking in the back door and I was like, hold it for me. I just ran in with my daughter because it was like an hour long.

[D]

Fucking insane, dude.

[C]

No, you got it with the kids.

[D]

I can't wait.

[C]

I thought it scream.

[D]

Literally.

[C]

I was like this. Maybe I should have been single.

[D]

Every time.

[C]

What you do. Yeah. Ruining my life.

[A]

I mean, we got. We got Scuff Realtor.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

We got Million dollar Right now on tour right now. Million Dollar Extreme. We got the podcast, Perfect Life. Perfect Guy Life with Sam Hyde.

[C]

Right.

[A]

You got the fucking. The furniture store.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Shamonic's house.

[A]

Shamonic's house?

[C]

Yeah. Antique rugs. If you want a $35,000 rug for six grand, you call me. You can go into a place like ABC carpent home. You're going to talk to them. They're not going to be nice to you. They don't give a about you. You call me. You show me something you like, I'll give you the exact copy for 22 cents on the dollar. Compared to an ABC Carpent home. Safavay, any of this shit, you call me the real ones, not the fake ones. Shop it to high health. Shot me all over the world. I don't care I'm the cheapest in the world. The Internet. And I'm a nice guy about it. I'll take it. And I'll take it back in just a restock fee. You can keep it. Doesn't depreciate. Treated like a Rolex watch.

[D]

Whoa.

[A]

He just went into it right there.

[C]

Right? You need it. I'll get you guys one.

[A]

I just want to be friends with you.

[D]

There was blood stains on that rug.

[C]

When you got it, but it wasn't for me. It's from the Sultan.

[A]

The business is doing well. That you're doing.

[C]

Good stuff. Yeah, it's pretty. It's pretty popular. Turns out when you don't try to gouge people and you. You don't try to go like Nazim y' all and all these people that are just big, big dogs over here on fifth Avenue. And you're pretty decent. You can. You can be cheap.

[D]

I'm just an honest meme trying to make a buck in this world.

[C]

Trying to help feed my daughters. You know what I mean? Just help me feed my daughter.

[D]

Schwartz.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Nick Roche for everybody.

[D]

Yeah. What a. What a.

[A]

What a clinic.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You are awesome.

[C]

No, you guys are the best. Thank you.

[D]

Appreciate you.

[A]

But you are 120. You're 129.

[D]

Garbage. Perfect, baby.

[A]

Anything else you want to plug? Anything you want them to know?

[C]

Just shamonish house.com for scuffed realty tickets. We do the show live. You send me a real estate listing. I give it a thumbs up, a thumbs down. Maybe it's good, maybe it's bad. A little bit. You can ask me. Car sales, anything you want. We're live. We're doing big, big places, small places. 50 seats, 200 seats, one seat, two. I don't know. Who the fuck knows. I just started touring like you guys. I don't. I don't really know how to do it. I'm not a stand up comedian.

[D]

So we'll figure it out outside in. It looks awesome. The vibe, the videos and the stories that I see, it looks so fun. It looks very cool and very unique.

[C]

Yeah, we have a good time.

[D]

It's got a good. There's a good energy.

[C]

It's a fun thing. I want it to be weird and strange. I'll be with you guys next week at Skank Fest. Yeah, we'll get to her up. We'll go to Brennan's. We'll eat turtles.

[D]

All right. I might have to. I might be busy that day.

[C]

No, it's gonna be delicious.

[A]

He brings his own turtle.

[D]

22 cents on a dollar. I ain't paying your box prices.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Holy Nick. Grocery to everybody. Big round of applause. Unbelievable. Kippy, what do you got for him?

[D]

Guys, we're on the road. Tickets [e-mail] we see you out there, gang.

[A]

We love you, Nick. We love you, and we'll see you next week.

[C]

As a raider scavenging a derelict world, you settle into an underground settlement. But now you must return to the surface, where arc machines roam. If you're brave enough, who knows what you might find. Arc Raiders, a multiplayer extraction adventure video game. Buy now for PlayStation 5, Xbox Series X and S, and PC rated T for teenager.