Nick Rochefort Returns!

Summary

Are You Garbage? – "Nick Rochefort Returns!" (2/23/2026)

Episode Overview

In this lively, off-the-rails comedy episode, hosts H. Foley and Kevin Ryan welcome back fan-favorite guest Nick Rochefort. As per tradition, Nick faces the Are You Garbage test, where his dirtbag credentials and unique life stories are examined in hilarious detail. Expect deep dives into tattoo regrets, dirtbag cars, questionable fashion, wild drinking tales, family chaos, and eccentric home decor—all filtered through the group's signature banter and self-deprecating humor.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Nick’s “Garbage” Credentials

• Foley and Kevin set the scene with classic banter on growing up trashy, their friendship dynamic, and how Nick fits right in as the Rhode Island “counterpoint.”
• Nick jokes about his appearance and self-perception, “I look like I'm made of deli ham.” (01:06, Nick)
• He admits to being an “enigma wrapped in a riddle, wrapped in high end fabric that you got at a secondhand store.” (00:53, Foley)
• All three riff on being unattractive husbands, Nick quipping about his body: “Sometimes I look at you and I go, there’s a dashing face… and then other times… a little bit of patchy skin.” (03:01, Ryan)

Tattoo Confessions: Nicky 2 Guns (06:03–13:30)

• Nick reveals his notorious “Nicky 2 Guns” tattoos: two guns (one revolver for his dad), and words like “Progress” and “Ethic & Optimism” on his arms.
• “I have ethic and optimism tattooed on this one… I thought it was like, memento… if you tattoo these words on your arm, you will forever be…” (11:47, Nick)
• Story of getting tattooed at age 14 in a sketchy apartment by “Fatty, the tattoo guy,” who later died of hepatitis.
• Foley: “That was not a real classy operation.” (07:37)
• Conversation spirals into 90s/00s tattoo trends: Old English script, loyalty/lions, and cringe graffiti handles—Nick’s was “Direk.”

The Y2K Dirtbag Era (09:00–11:00)

• They reminisce on toxic late-90s/2000s bro culture: American Pie, Maxim, FHM, extreme sodas, frosted tips, Old English tattoos.
• “The machine really threw it at you guys. American Pie, Maxim magazine… All the processed food you could handle.” (09:45, Foley)

Being a Car Dirtbag (15:24–17:50)

• Nick’s history with Escalades, big rims, and DUIs: “I was a big rims guy… had the Escalade EX-T… DUI in it.” (16:27, Nick)
• Escalade nostalgia—Nick predicts 2005 models will be “future classics” and discusses the subculture of loving these vehicles.
• Foley: “You were able to do the big sweatsuits, baggy clothes.” (15:24)

More “Garbage” Life Questions

• Bad club behavior: sneaking into clubs in Ugg slippers, being the “poor friend” among rich club kids, getting away with dirtbag moves thanks to club connections.
• Smoker's pride and longing: “Smoking is cool. I miss it.” (25:59, Rochefort)
• Arcade “punching machine” games, with Nick delighting in being the only recent player.

Family Antics and Dirtbag Olympics (53:20–58:30)

• Nick’s family post-funeral drinking Olympics: racing "Fast Eddie" in a 100-yard dash in suits, at age 26 vs. Eddie in his 50s.
• “I'll beat you now, I'll beat you then, you never beat me… I'm the fastest drunk guy in that parking lot that night.” (58:21, Nick)
• John John stealing all the good cigars at a wedding and handing them out as if he brought them, “classic John John move." (49:22)

Classy Contrasts: Fancy Home Sh*t (39:00–43:30)

• Nick’s humble-brag: he owns a high-end La Marzocco espresso machine (“$6K retail, paid $4K, I got the deal.”).
• “That's the one you see at the coffee shop. If you have a Keurig, I'm taking that with me when I leave—I'm doing you a favor.” (39:24, Nick)
• Discussion of fragrances/colognes and the virtue of living life as a “cute little girl": “I think I smell better with perfume on.” (44:32, Foley)
• Sprinkles in bon mots about home decor, furniture obsession, and a “weird” affinity for mid-century wallpaper and natural wine.

Trashy Wedding/Funeral Etiquette (46:52–54:14)

• Wedding mooching: attending receptions with no gift, showing up blazed, being called out for “smelling like a blunt” (47:37).
• Discussion: Is it okay to attend the reception but not the ceremony? (General consensus: dirtbag move.)
• Funeral/wake drinking traditions: back-alley beers, relatives sneak-smoking, impromptu “dirtbag Olympics” among grieving family.

Random Highlights & Running Gags

• Foley’s “cute little girl” jokes and “manly lady” banter about colognes and sexuality (45:05–45:48).
• Debates about automatic vs. manual pepper grinders, corkscrews, and biodynamic French wine.
• Nick’s celebrity run-in: accosts a nervous Chris Klein (American Pie) on his honeymoon in Italy, then mischievously outs him to the vineyard staff, making Klein the center of attention (65:01–67:50).

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• [03:01] Nick: “I have a full head of hair that I choose to shave anyway. I like the fact that I have eight double a cup tits.”
• [06:44] Nick (on tattoos): “When you're 14…you find a tattoo artist that tattoos children for $75.”
• [09:28] Foley: “The machine really threw it at you guys. American Pie, Maxim…high fructose corn syrup.”
• [16:27] Nick: “I was a big rims guy…had the Escalade EXT…the pearl one in the back. Yeah, it was sick.”
• [25:59] Rochefort: “Smoking is cool. I miss it. I miss it so much.”
• [39:24] Nick: “If you have a Keurig, I’m taking that with me when I leave—I'm doing you a favor.”
• [44:32] Foley: “I think I smell better with perfume on.”
• [49:22] Nick: “My cousin John John grabs all [the cigars]…starts handing them out like he bought them. Classic John John move.”
• [58:21] Nick: “I’ll beat you now, I’ll beat you then, you never beat me. I’m the fastest drunk guy in that parking lot that night.”
• [65:29] Nick (accosting Chris Klein): “What the fuck you doing here, Klein?”

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Important Timestamps

• Tattoo Talk and Nicky 2 Guns – 05:42–13:30
• Y2K Bro Culture Reflection – 09:00–11:00
• Escalade/Rims Nostalgia – 15:24–17:50
• Wild Club Days & Smoking – 24:18–26:29
• Arcade Punching Bag Bit – 27:14–29:13
• Carnival Games Dirtbagery – 29:34–31:08
• Fancy Espresso/Home Sh*t – 39:00–43:30
• Wedding/Funeral Etiquette – 46:52–54:14
• Drunken Family Olympics – 53:20–58:21
• Italy Celebrity Encounter (Chris Klein) – 65:01–67:51

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Tone & Style

The episode is riff-heavy, raunchy, and self-aware. The trio swap trashy confessions effortlessly, undercutting any attempts at faux-classiness with stories of actual or attempted debauchery. Nick’s sense of “being in on the joke” (especially with his tattoos and high-low taste) summarizes the show’s ethos—being “garbage” is as much a badge of honor as it is an admission of guilt.

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For First-Time Listeners

This episode throws you deep into Are You Garbage’s signature style: rowdy group dynamic, personal stories, inside jokes, and bits about Americana trash culture. You’ll leave with Nick Rochefort’s legendary dirtbag resume (Nicky 2 Guns for life!), Foley and Ryan’s camaraderie, and a sharp sense of how being “garbage” can sometimes mean just being yourself… unapologetically.

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To catch Nick Rochefort live or buy his high/low home goods, visit shamanicshouse.com. For tickets to Are You Garbage live shows, see rugarbage.com.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is RU Garbage. It's that little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that if they grew up to be classy, yeah, they're just a big old piece of trash.

[B]

Trash, trash, trash.

[A]

I'm your host, Dave Trulley coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in new edition. She's off doing a polar plunge in the Schuylkill.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Which I told her was a little dangerous dirty. All right, whatever. Mike coast is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of Ru Garbage. He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world. Give it up for KJ Kevin, James Ryan, everybody.

[B]

What up, gang? Shout out to you as always, please make sure you rate view subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify. And the boys are climbing a frigging chart. Yeah, we are then obviously the greatest website of all time. You take your little tablet out, your little phone, your little desktop, whatever you got. Www.patreon.com. are you garbage who? Love that money, gang.

[A]

Yes, we do. And gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest back with us again today. He is an enigma wrapped in a riddle, wrapped in high end fabric that you got at a secondhand store.

[C]

Yeah. Wrapped in a 24 month prosciutto. I look like I'm made of deli ham.

[A]

A little bit of Gaba Ghoul. Give it up for Nick Rochefort, everybody. Thank you for having me. The king is back. Good to be back in another realm. You are a evil genius. You're a Lex Luthor.

[B]

I think we're in that realm, actually. We just. We don't know it.

[A]

He hasn't made his move.

[C]

That's nice. No, that's nice to say I'm just a. I'm just a fucking moron.

[A]

No shop. Say I'm a fucking moron. And every time you walk in here, you two start going off, I interrupt.

[B]

You're my. You're my. You're, you're my Rhode island counterpoint. Me and him are deep in tight. What do you got going on? He's texting me thing. I'm texting him thing.

[C]

Yeah, you always have good ideas. But I interrupted you in your trigonometry homework that you were doing trigonometry homework. Yeah, you were, you were like, you had equations up and you were like One second, I'll be done. Then. You were counting on your fingers, right? When we walked in here.

[B]

He also thinks this happened.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Who is it? Wait, when was I at the chalkboard?

[C]

I was Triggers Nomic.

[A]

I generally feel like if this was the movie, something would happen to me. And, like, you guys would be. You. You. You would find solace and Nick and be happy.

[B]

No, he'd be forever stealing my credit card numbers. What are you talking about? But I feel like, you know, dirty, dirty person.

[A]

I feel like intellectually you'd be better off with Nick. No, I would.

[B]

I need someone I can manipulate.

[A]

I would die tragically.

[B]

Well, that's gonna happen.

[A]

Saving a bunch of people.

[B]

Yeah, I get my.

[A]

I get. I get a hero's. I get a hero's death in the movie. But then you guys go off. That's when you find your bag of oranges, like, what's her name? In the town. Sure, but I'm not in Florida. I'm dead.

[B]

I'm doing coke somewhere.

[C]

You found coke?

[A]

We're talking about the town. Continue your conversation. What you guys were saying before. You were saying.

[B]

I said he's. He's a bit of a man of two faces. And I'm saying this as an ugly man myself. Not that you're ugly, but you go, you are. You're.

[A]

No offense to you, personally.

[B]

Offense to you anybody.

[C]

I have a full head of hair that I choose to shave anyway. You know what I mean? I like the. I like the fact that I have eight double a cup tits.

[B]

Sometimes I look at you and I go, there's a dashing face, like. Like a. Like kind of like movie star with a good character, good, you know, good lines. You know, you're a man's man, kind of. And then other times when you were saying I look like right now.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

A little bit of patchy skin. Yeah.

[C]

No, I have deli meat. My organs aren't producing whatever the hell.

[A]

Don't listen to him, Nick. You got good color, you got good style. You look good. You got the hat. Don't worry about your.

[C]

I think so.

[A]

The shaved head. You shave your head? Yeah.

[C]

You mean it broads?

[A]

Like.

[C]

I'm going to say it like a. I'm going to say it like a. Like a. Like a lot lizard or like a. Like an ugly stripper or. I'm covering my. No teeth. No, I have a. No, the organs working back on over. Like not drinking for. Since the last. But it's huge. Your skin's like. Oh, yeah, you can be skinned, but Like, I have, like, corn flake textured skin.

[B]

Yeah, me too.

[C]

I feel so bad forever fucking my wife ever. You know what I mean? I'm like, you should. If I was ever having sex with my wife should shoot me from below me, you know? She should be like,

[A]

wham.

[C]

For even thinking I could.

[A]

I know someone's attracted me. I'm like, what's wrong with you?

[C]

Yeah. Literally, how damaged are you? Or blind?

[B]

My big thing of getting married, I was like. I was one of the. I was like, I'm so happy I don't have to reveal this to anyone ever again. There's like, that reveal's done. She's as comfortable with it as she's gonna be.

[A]

We're on residency, baby.

[B]

Yeah. And I'm not gonna. I don't have to go. This is it.

[C]

Ta da.

[A]

No new material. Just a couple of shows in Vegas. A couple times a week. You get comped at the tables.

[C]

Boom. A magic trick. I made you thr up inside your mind.

[B]

I do have one thing that I, you know, obviously, you're a man of many stories.

[A]

Of many eclectic guy.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Smart guy. Business, fashion, style. You are as.

[C]

I'm dressed like Rocky 1 right now.

[A]

See stops.

[C]

I look like I'm about to rock.

[A]

You know, that looks hipster, I would say. I bet you Luke would take. You would take him down to one of your spots in the Lower east side, right?

[C]

We'd go to the Monkey Bar and eat the best burger in.

[B]

Or we'd go to the.

[C]

We'd go get free tables at the Polo Polo Club.

[A]

Wait, is the Monkey Bar a real spot?

[C]

Yeah, it's a hard to get into spot.

[B]

Very tough rez.

[C]

Yeah. What's the toughest rez in the city? You know?

[A]

You stinkler.

[B]

I mean, for Charles, easy.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

I mean, that's like. We can't get that. President can't get that.

[A]

You couldn't get me into Carbone for my birthday, you loser.

[B]

I got you a jar of sauce.

[C]

Just as good. It's just as good.

[A]

We got you some of their frozen raviolis.

[C]

Yeah. Microwave Prince stink.

[B]

I do stink.

[A]

Get me over at Smith Lewinsky, like an waiting table.

[B]

Here's my one thing. I, I, I, I, I pride ourselves on getting the dirt right. And obviously you threw a lot of curveballs, a lot of wacky stories.

[A]

Strange guy, man.

[B]

But one thing that we missed, that I was shocked at was somebody said, how did you not get to Nikki 2 guns?

[C]

Oh, God.

[B]

Do you know about Nikki 2 guns?

[C]

No, but I know this is gonna get way better. All right, so you guys got a bunch of cool.

[B]

I had no idea.

[C]

This is garbage. You can always say, what's the worst tattoo do you have? If you have any tattoos.

[B]

There's never been good answers, though. Honestly.

[C]

There's never been good answers.

[B]

Not this good. The show is made on this.

[A]

We've never really asked about tattoos that much.

[B]

There's never been.

[C]

I'm shocked.

[A]

Oh, you know, you know what realm we do put the tattoos in? If somebody or relative has the Looney Tunes. Looney Tunes. Looney Tunes are Disney Bird.

[B]

Anything below the knee. Yeah, the calf is bad. Any words like lawyers, loyalty, respect? Only God can judge.

[C]

Yeah, Progress. Oh, what the fuck? Those are my two guns.

[A]

Why is one a revolver?

[C]

Because it has my parents date on it and my dad liked westerns.

[B]

Wait, your parents date?

[A]

Does that say progressive?

[C]

It's just progress. I was a real poet. Now it gets better. It gets better.

[B]

Guys, this is crazy.

[C]

Now, when you're 14, when you live in the hometown that I grew up in, you know, the rich lacrosse hometown that I grew up in, you find a tattoo artist that tattoos children for $75. So for $75, I got it.

[B]

Must have been great.

[C]

Check this out.

[B]

Oh, my Rochefort on, that's then.

[C]

Now that should have been old English, because when we were kids, Mark McGrath had Irish tattooed on his shoulder blades, and we all wanted that. And then the guy from the Flies video had the other one, his name. Now you couldn't. The reason why that's not old English is mean.

[A]

I got you where I want you.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. Remember the Flies video? You're like, man, that's a cool tattoo. Goth of lettering.

[A]

That guy was smoking hot, right?

[B]

Old English.

[C]

He was like, old English was the shit. But when I asked my tattoo fatty, the guy who tattoos children in a tattoo shop, AKA a third story walk up apartment building where I was tattooed on a weight bench, where I rode my bike to. And I paid him in cash.

[A]

So not a real classy operation.

[B]

Not 3 decament.

[C]

Not a clean operation either. But now the reason why it's not old English, because when I asked him to do my last name in old English, he said, I don't know how to do old English. I'll just do something badass that everybody likes. So I'm Middle East English. Yeah, this is. And that guy ended up dying from hepatitis. So that's cool.

[B]

You survived that.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

That's a pretty good chance you could have got hepatitis.

[C]

That's. That's a That's a. I'm a 40 year old guy with a 26 year old tattoo. So that's. I'm almost still alive. And my wife has hepatitis. But she got it from me. She got it from that tattoo? No, I wish.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

I forgot about hepatitis. I forgot I had to worry about that.

[B]

You think he got it? Yeah.

[C]

Do you have it now? No, I was.

[B]

I was gonna look at his tattoos.

[A]

I was gonna. Those tattoos, man.

[B]

Awful. Wait, why the two? Are those guns you've owned at some point or. No, they're just too random. Progress.

[C]

I wanted progress. I was like. I wanted graffiti lettering. I was a graffiti guy.

[B]

Oh wait, you were. What was your bag handle?

[C]

Oh God. There was a million of them.

[B]

This is crazy. How do we kill all of it?

[C]

It was like accordion direk a D I R E K. And then I would do like. It was really bad. I used to do it. I was. I loved it. I didn't spray. I was always like a marker guy. But you know, you know when you're like a. You don't have that snowboarder piece of shit. Kid Games. X Games.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Gravity Games, dude.

[A]

Mountain Dew, dude.

[C]

Backside, Code Red. That was me.

[A]

And I'm like Crunch trap supreme, everybody.

[B]

Well, I got a culture.

[A]

Hold on a second. We're moving too fast.

[B]

Heavy, dude. That fucking dirtbag lifestyle. When we were kid dude, anything. I mean, that was like. Dude. To spray paint. To be it. To be a graffiti guy. Old English, young tattoos, Frosted tips.

[A]

I will say this. We had these. I'm 10 years older than you guys.

[B]

Wiser.

[A]

And I used to, you know, really, really shit on you as far like when you were younger.

[B]

Those guns are pretty cool. I got to be honest.

[C]

Hi, tattoo artist.

[A]

But this guy, Fatty sounds all right.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Now where can I get this hepatitis everyone's talking about?

[C]

Dig him up from his non breathing.

[A]

When you really think about it, the machine really threw it at you guys.

[B]

Hard media started all that. It was so focus.

[C]

American Pie, maxim magazine, Maximum FHM.

[B]

There was like 10 magazines on being a dude.

[A]

All the all. All the processed food you could handle. High fructose corn syrup.

[B]

New flavors coming. Extreme flavors.

[A]

Extreme flavors, dude.

[B]

There was drinks just for to drink while you play video games that like how could. How was I supposed to survive?

[A]

Yeah, we were.

[C]

We were militarized. I mean it was a military operation. They were teaching us how to please women. You know, Maximus, you do the Alphabet with your tongue. It was like an instructional.

[B]

They don't like that backside.

[C]

Hang on. That's A.

[A]

That's a good tip. Alphabet.

[C]

Yeah, Alphabet with tongue.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And then Carmen Electra will want to bang you right away.

[A]

Yeah, you guys got hit pretty hard.

[B]

Tara Reid.

[C]

But the problem is you get tower Reid. 20, 26. Not 20.

[B]

She had a bounce back, though.

[C]

Yeah. Her head hitting the nightstand in a hotel after a Dubai prince kicked her.

[A]

Forget about that yet. Tara Reid. You had Jennifer Love Hewitt. Yeah, man, you guys didn't stand a fucking.

[C]

No, we were dead in the water, bro.

[A]

Dead in the water. Not a radicalized garbage.

[C]

Yes, it was tough for us. We had American. We had Jason Biggs on a countertop fucking a pie. I mean, we were screwed. Shannon Elizabeth.

[B]

And that was like mainstream. That wasn't even like, this is counterculture. That was like number one in the box.

[A]

Forget about what's going on. A limewire at the time, right, boys?

[C]

Yeah. He was stealing music, for Christ's sakes. Guys, Napsters going to jail for that. I mean, then we had the precursor. You had Camp Nowhere. Remember Camp Nowhere? That was when the kids steal their parents money for going away for summer camp and they make their own camp with Christopher Lloyd. And then. That was the first time you saw a kiss?

[B]

Yes, yes, yes, of course.

[A]

That was.

[C]

That was like, oh, whoa. French kissing. That was a little illicit.

[A]

I thought you were talking about some dark web shit, which. I don't want to know.

[C]

No, I don't want to know what he.

[B]

You don't want to know what he knows?

[C]

Not in the Epstein era.

[A]

No.

[C]

No, no.

[B]

Jesus Christ. Okay, well, how many tattoos total would

[C]

you say I've got? Well, I haven't gotten a tattoo in 20 years, so.

[B]

Good.

[C]

That was the last one I got.

[A]

How old when you got to the Progress tattoo?

[C]

That was. I was 19.

[A]

And what was the. What did it mean? Forget about the style.

[C]

What did it mean? Nothing. I have ethic and optimism tattooed on this one.

[B]

Cause, man, it's always.

[C]

I thought it was like, memento. When I was 19, I was like, you need to remember these. These. These fundamentals to keep your life on point. If you. If you tattoo these words on your arm, you will forever be. No, he's crossing his eyes like Buddy Hackett. Yeah, it's like just. Just a real jock poet. Like, I was desperate.

[A]

You were sincere about it.

[C]

Yeah, I thought it was cool.

[B]

Like, I thought it was cool. I gotta be. It was my boy. I remember my boy got loyalty tattooed on him.

[C]

It's the same thing.

[B]

And we were like. And at the same time, he was fucking our other friend's. Girlfriend.

[C]

And I was like, dude, that's not loyal.

[B]

Even then at this point, I was like, you're going against the code, man.

[C]

It's on your arms like lions never sleep.

[B]

Yeah, Lions were big. Any. Any Hawks.

[A]

Lions were big.

[C]

Yeah. Like, these are like. I know you. It's. Trust me, I get it. It's the cringiest thing I got. I mean, it's literally like.

[B]

If you ask me, it's the coolest thing you got.

[A]

It's.

[C]

It's fucking. It's. It's like the program, the movie level, like, sentimentality. It was like just the thing to do, you know, It's. It's embarrassing as shit, but the program

[A]

came out in 1993.

[C]

Damn it.

[A]

My senior year of high school.

[C]

The best movie of all time.

[A]

Playing football, our whole team. We went and saw it, like, four times.

[C]

It was great.

[A]

We were eight.

[C]

How many of you wanted to be Latimer Houston?

[A]

Yeah. Didn't me.

[C]

You're leading me on.

[A]

Oh, God.

[C]

Latimer is a great psycho. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

So I get it. So at the time, it was. And now you flip into the eye. You know, the ironicness of it.

[C]

Jamie Foxx had the guns in any given Sunday.

[A]

He did.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

On his back.

[C]

On his back.

[B]

On his back.

[C]

And I was like, wow, that's a cool tattoo. I want that.

[B]

And I remember telling you any guns at the time.

[C]

I don't even own. I have one gun now and I like it.

[B]

I don't even know where it is.

[C]

I don't even know what it is. I own a gun. Like. Like a. Like a pride parade. I'm like that. Things like, it makes a loud noise.

[A]

I got a wrist racket.

[C]

Yeah. It's not good. Like my.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

They look cute.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

So you got. Okay.

[C]

I like guns. Like people like. Yeah, like.

[A]

So that was your last tattoo?

[C]

Yeah. I'm going to go get more now. I'm having my midlife crisis. Is going to be a full back tattoo full of Russian prison tattoos.

[B]

Why?

[A]

You can't.

[C]

I want them. I'm having a crisis.

[B]

Only God can judge him.

[C]

Dude, I need to look smash.

[A]

I would advise against that.

[C]

Really.

[A]

You can't go faking Russian mob tattoos. What are you, nuts?

[B]

Do whatever the fuck you want to.

[C]

He's not here.

[B]

Guns.

[A]

They're not here. Stay away from Brighton beach then.

[C]

Really?

[A]

And you didn't hear that for you?

[C]

Oh, you did new coutures and signed Petersburg.

[A]

I wouldn't do that. No, no. Get like catchers.

[B]

You're also Not a cool dude. You're right. Me and Nick are bullies.

[A]

You should get the Ames chair tattoo.

[C]

Yeah, that would be cool. Get an Ames chair. That'd be cool. Get an Eames chair.

[A]

But you're into that and you make that stuff cool.

[C]

Yeah, I wish. I, I. No, no, I, I think I'm having like a full on. Like, I'll get like Jesus pieces and like Christian and Catholic.

[B]

Did you ever own any? Did you ever. We called them. Did you ever own a chain with a charm? We called them charms.

[C]

I never had a chain.

[B]

Never did a chain.

[C]

My brother does chains. I don't do chains. I wish. I feel like I would. They would get me claustrophobic.

[B]

They're back heavy.

[A]

Get a nice. Get a nice cross like this. I would, I want. Bert has a nice one, too. Bert is a nice thin gold one

[C]

with a nice piece.

[A]

A saint and a cross.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah, it's sharp. That's what you should be.

[C]

I should get a chain. I'll go to the 47th Street. Get a chain from Rex.

[A]

There you go.

[C]

Rex watches.

[B]

Do you. Do you ever own any? You know, Echo, like, what was, what was the, what was the fashion in ice?

[C]

I had fubu. My cousin John. John used to get. He was like a big guy and I was like eighth grade. I got like big. Just fat. I was fat 8th grade. And then I got skinny. I'd go up and down.

[A]

You guys were very lucky with that. Your generation, too.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Go up for fat guys. We would. You were. You were able to do the big sweatsuits.

[B]

The baggy clothes was big.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The big hoodies. Every day.

[A]

We didn't. I didn't have that shit in 85. When I was a fat kid in seventh grade. I told you I was walking on that skin tight Adidas velvet.

[C]

Just trying to break this looking.

[B]

Looking like the kid from Bad2Step.

[C]

You were pretty good at it. You got like one move down.

[A]

What do you mean? You can't beatbox.

[B]

Always look like you were about to start.

[A]

I see stunk.

[C]

Yeah. I tried to break dance too. I get it. No, I would. I had a, I had like the fubu. I had a FUBU rugby shirt that I remember distinctly.

[B]

That's probably pretty dope.

[A]

Yeah, pretty dope.

[C]

Yeah, it was good. It was everything.

[B]

Did you ever do a do rag? No, that was for. That was for the, the high level. Yeah, high level white dirt bag.

[A]

What about tap out? You ever do tap out?

[C]

Nope.

[B]

Nope.

[A]

No fear.

[C]

I had a no Fear shirt. First place is what Is it second place is first loser. That was my tap, my no fear.

[A]

Did you have anything on the. On the windshield of the car?

[C]

Like, I had an escalade. I had 24s.

[B]

What I hear.

[C]

24. I think you told us about the four. Yeah, I got a DUI in it.

[B]

That was.

[C]

I was a big rims guy who.

[B]

Dude, how could you not be?

[A]

But not the banner on the front.

[C]

No, no, no. Like lower. Or you get the lower one if you were really G'd out. I had the Escalade ext.

[B]

Oh, the truck.

[C]

The truck. The pearl one in the back. Yeah, it was sick.

[B]

The white.

[C]

Yeah, the Tony. Tony the wholesaler. My God.

[B]

I mean, that was prime Escalade years rap. It was in every song.

[C]

It was my dream car.

[B]

And people will still send it to me when it pops up online. Is like a 2005 Escalade with Lamborghini doors and spinners.

[C]

I don't think. I think that's a future classic. I'm just throwing that out there. I think in the next coming couple of years. The 05. Because the Escalade, it's a funny thing in the car business where they're already

[A]

kind of coming back, though.

[C]

They are from the.

[A]

From the mid 2000s.

[B]

You ask anybody who ever owns a 96 Lumina. Hit me up.

[C]

They have like. Like a culty. They're like, I love my Escalade. And I'm talking like yuppies. Like tennis yuppies will be like, no, no, no. Say what you want. Don't talk about the Escalade like that. Which is a funny thing to say, yuppies. But you should just get one.

[B]

I just got a. I just got of Tahoe last week.

[A]

I thought when you.

[C]

You're halfway there.

[A]

When you sent us a 3/4.

[B]

Come on.

[A]

When you sent us a picture of that in from the inside, I didn't think it was newer. I thought it was like mid 2000, which I kind of respect mine.

[B]

Yeah. I was going to buy a used one. They just didn't have one that I liked mile wise. And I didn't want to call him because he's was going to give me the stuff I didn't want to hear. That was my problem.

[C]

We're going to hunt for you. What you're going to hunt for you. We're going to find you one from South Carolina Gamescock. Gamecocks coach.

[B]

That goes against everything in me.

[C]

You just got to go.

[B]

I walk a lot. Check in.

[A]

What do you got? Yeah, that one.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Guy Seemed like a good guy.

[B]

I never test drove it.

[C]

He was good. Guy was fast.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Mauricio was his name. Gave me a warranty. They wanted 2900 for the warranty. I said call it two grand.

[A]

That's the way my dad operated, and. Not that he really knew what he was talking about, and he kind of did, but he would go in, beat the guy up. As long as the guy said no to something, he would make the deal.

[C]

That's.

[A]

Yeah, Just show me that you're human.

[C]

What else was I going to get? They got to make money, too.

[A]

Everybody got to eat. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, that's fine. What'd you get?

[B]

Tahoe.

[C]

Tahoe. What color? Sage green.

[B]

I don't even know.

[A]

Mint julep?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

No, like, the tan or not tan. I'm sorry, the gray. Dark gray or whatever it is you didn't get.

[A]

Black.

[B]

I didn't have it. Also, I don't want to look like a fucking Uber driver.

[C]

That's true. That's fair.

[B]

That was the only one I could drive away that day, so I had it had.

[A]

That's another thing that would.

[C]

You were, like, banging the table, impatient, like, yo. Oh, like, real bad.

[B]

Hello.

[C]

Oh, you don't want. You don't want my money.

[B]

Yeah, that was thrown around a little bit.

[A]

Yeah. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp Gang. We're coming into the spring. Sometimes it's tough to look around, trying to keeping up with the Joneses. It seems like everybody's got everything together and that you're falling behind. That is not the case. Everybody has their own shoes to walk in. If you're going through something, do yourself a favor, get over to BetterHelp. Kevin and I have both done talk therapy. It absolutely helps.

[B]

Yes. You know, when you're looking around, you know, especially with your romantic love life, whether you're married, you think you shouldn't be married. If you're single, you think you shouldn't be single, you're looking for the truth. Most of us are trying to figure it out. And sometimes you got to figure it out together with somebody. It's tough. It's not all flowers, candy, and stuffed animals.

[A]

It's not all moonlight and rainbows.

[B]

No, it is not. So you can find comfort with that. And the imperfect love life, you can find comfort with that with better help. Like the big man said, we leaned on talk therapy many times in our life.

[A]

It is a. I'm leaning.

[B]

It is a great tool. I can't recommend it enough. They have. BetterHelp has over 30,000 therapists BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 6 million people globally. And it works with an average rating of 4.9 out of 5 for a live session based on over 1.7 million client reviews. Let's go take that to the bank. That's something you can count on. And right now you sign up and you get 10% [e-mail] garbage. That's better. BetterHelp H E L P.com garbage do it. Yeah.

[A]

Kip. Let's talk about Cheers.

[B]

Restore Cheers. Cheers.

[A]

Cheers gang gang. As you know, when you get past the age of 30, the alcohol starts hitting a little different.

[B]

What about when you get to the age of 50?

[C]

Woo.

[A]

Slows you down for meetings in the morning, slows you down for workouts, all that kind of stuff. Cheers restores a dual action. After alcohol aid. Its ingredients support both your brain and your liver after consuming alcohol. Cheers was originally invented by a student at Princeton University.

[B]

They're smart over there.

[A]

Based on research into a novel compound

[B]

called dhm, DHM has demonstrated powerful alcohol related properties in the brain and liver. So Cheers was designed for how alcohol actually affects your body, not just the dehydration, which a lot of people focus on, which is important. But it ain't the only issue.

[A]

True.

[B]

Cheers has appeared on Shark Tank. Who don't love a little shark? Hey, they've been on Shark Tank. And for that reason, Kippy's in.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Today, Cheers is sold in over 30,000 stores including Walgreens, CVS, Seven Eleven and Circle K. They sold over 50 million doses, 7,500 four and five star reviews on Amazon. And Cheers is backed by doctors, PhDs and over 1,000 verified clinicians who share it with their patients.

[A]

Baby.

[B]

So here's the turkey. It's the same night out with Way better, with a way better morning with Cheers. For a limited time, our listeners are getting 20% off your entire order by using [e-mail] just head to CheersHealth.com and use the code Garbage for 20 off. After your purchase, they're gonna ask you how you heard about them. Tell them the boys sent you. Are you Garbage? We love you. Yeah.

[A]

Cheers, we're big on that. We're big on walking out of the store with it too.

[C]

Oh yeah? Really? Oh, wow.

[A]

I want a new guy. Want a car? What do you. I'm not driving out here.

[C]

Yeah, give me a hat and I'll. Did you do that one?

[B]

No, I bought it. I bought it. I bought it via email. Sick.

[C]

I want a GMC hat. I want a hat that's a big one.

[B]

Patriot. Hit me up.

[C]

Yeah, Patriot. Chevrolet Auto Group.

[B]

They do many brands.

[A]

I want a regular car hat, too. I tell you what, man, I saw that. This comes out soon, right? The show?

[C]

Yeah. Tomorrow, is it.

[B]

Are we known to can them for a couple of months? I gotta wait till sweeps week.

[A]

What are you talking about?

[B]

You got Nicky Bones at the table. You get it out on the street right before.

[A]

I saw the Indy 500 yesterday, Matt, that stat. Between that and the F1 show, man, I really. I'm getting into that racing. I like it.

[C]

I like you and racing. Yeah, I like that. Which one do you. Do you like better? The Formula One of the Indy?

[A]

I don't. He got me in the Formula One a little bit with. With the F1. I tell you what, man, that goddamn NASCAR, those guys are rubbing paint and they're fucking going fast all the time. And they were down to the fucking almost last lap and they were all still tight together.

[C]

Who's the guy? Is it Truex? Martin Truex Jr.

[A]

I don't know who won. Decker, I think, won yesterday.

[C]

He's a new guy.

[B]

I was the Earnhardt. My dad drove my Stab. My stepdad was a amateur stock car racer.

[C]

Really?

[B]

Very amateur.

[C]

That's.

[B]

You know, Flemington Speedway?

[C]

A lot of Harvard grads in that audience. And then he put the horsepower thing

[A]

through the dang roof.

[B]

Dude. That was.

[A]

Who's running today? I wouldn't say. Amy. Amateur. He was. He was getting there. Could have got there.

[C]

I had a friend that was.

[A]

How far off from Ceilings Grove was he?

[B]

Her ceilings burn about the same, but that's still. You're still far off. You're racing for like 300 bucks.

[C]

How the fuck do these guys know multiple tracks?

[B]

How? Dogs.

[C]

Yeah, That's.

[B]

That's.

[C]

You guys know more than one?

[A]

Is it Sealantsburg or Sealants Grove?

[B]

Salems. Sellin's Grove Salons?

[C]

Grove.

[A]

Yeah. Shout Out.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

You want a fun night? We went there and watched the race.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Really dirt track.

[C]

Old school dirt track with the swing

[A]

guys are moving.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

All right. So Nick's a scumbag for the most part.

[B]

Have you ever crashed someone else's car?

[C]

I don't know if I know. Let me see. You know what's a fun thing? We used to do two. Two things come to mind?

[B]

Bankruptcy.

[C]

We used to get, you know. You know, when you're.

[A]

Knock over a bread truck?

[C]

Vaults when you're drinking and driving. No, I've never Done it. Yes. So we used to drive girls cars home from bars. We had a buddy's house that was always like, after the clubs let out. We had one guy that would like,

[B]

what were these clubs? Sorry to cut you off.

[C]

Club Eagles, Club Pro.

[A]

This is what you're 19, 20. 20 years old?

[C]

18, 19, 20, 21.

[A]

You're doing pretty well.

[C]

Having fun.

[A]

Yeah. And you're in your hometown?

[C]

In our hometown, Providence. We're 15 minutes outside in Johnson. My buddy had a house.

[A]

That's smart.

[C]

He one of my buddies. Had like, a cool house.

[B]

Talk about drinking and driving.

[C]

No, no, but I'm just driving. We used to drive the girls car. Like, you girls want to come over? Like, we were. We were like in the guido time. We grew up in, like, Jersey Shore era. DJ Pauly D. Grew up in my town, right? So like, he was around a buddy of mine, Joe Quattrochis.

[A]

He was a.

[C]

Parents had a small interest in a nightclub where it was a nice place.

[B]

It was like.

[C]

Yeah, I don't like the way you said that. Small interest. Yeah. But we walked in like he had a large interest. So people get, like, turned down for the wrong shoes. And we'd walk in there in, like, bathing suits and like, Uggs.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Like, jokingly, like Ugg slippers and shit. They'd be like, come on, Nikki, come on in. You know, I'm like, the poor friend. These guys have cool interests and clubs. And we're leaving such a dirt. And whenever we leave, that's what you

[B]

say is the defendant. I had a small interest in the

[C]

place smoking cigarettes in the club. And then you. You burn people's elbows to get through the back. Do you ever do that? What you burn? I like elbows. To move faster through the club. When you could smoke inside, you would rip cigarettes and you just, like, you

[B]

would touch the move.

[C]

Oh, and you'd like, right through the back to get to the back door.

[A]

What the is wrong?

[C]

So much fun. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I mean, it was smoking. That's how I started smoking cigarettes. It was cool. You meet girls and then we like, hey, do you girls want to come back to the house?

[B]

Smoking is cool.

[C]

It is. I miss it.

[B]

I miss it so much.

[C]

I'm gonna have one as soon as I.

[B]

Let's have one after this.

[C]

Yeah, let's. Let's go buy two packs and smoke them right there on the corner. And then we would drive the girls cars home and we would drive them. One of my friends.

[B]

What was this? Well, did you know these girls or you met the girls. Like, my buddy's having. My buddy's having an after party.

[C]

I'll drive so no one gets lost. And they'd be closer. Look, let's don't get lost. It's kind of far from here. We're in the middle of downtown. Like, it's fun. There's a pool. We'll have a pool, have a bonfire. We'll go and blah. And we would always drive their cars home.

[B]

Someone's garage, literally. Oh, we got a couch in the garage.

[C]

Yeah, it kind of is. Like, it kind of was. It's kind of fun. My buddy Dave, Beanie and Rocco. So we used to bring the girls cars back. That was fun. And then they would be in the middle of kind of kind of nowhere after. But it was sure.

[B]

That's that. Dude, that's living, man.

[A]

That is living.

[B]

You ain't living.

[A]

Why you just put a MapQuest thing on there. Yeah.

[C]

How to get home. Don't feel if you feel unsafe. It's just my cell phone. Hey, you want to come back? Round two, baby. Already, huh?

[B]

One thing that I've never. It's been a question on from, like, the first week we've made the show. And I don't think I've ever asked anybody, but I feel this could be you. Have you ever done one of the punching bag games at, like, an arcade, a bar, or carnival? You know what I mean?

[C]

Yeah, yeah. The one where you punch in, it gives you a score.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

I did it like 2 weeks ago on the road.

[A]

You have? Everybody answered you that you were an idiot.

[C]

You've never done that.

[B]

I thought I was excited explaining a wrong to him.

[A]

He just got a simple.

[B]

Yeah, of course. I got one at the house.

[C]

John Taffer lost two million dollars on one of those machines. I lost two million dollar lawsuit on one of those machines. The place was called Jester's.

[A]

Wait, is that true story about Taffer?

[C]

Yeah, Taffer lost money on one of those. I learned that on season three, episode six of Bar Racing.

[B]

Taffer, you are the kind. Listen, I also. We've both watched a lot of stuff.

[C]

I'm surprised he hasn't been on here.

[B]

Oh, dude, he tried getting him. Taffer hit us up.

[C]

Yeah, he's coming.

[B]

You know how hard it is to get him? He's not just hanging out.

[C]

I'll make you a couple of bonfire. Bonfire shots.

[A]

Plus he's got to sit out in the SUV for 20 minutes watching before he comes in.

[B]

He's opening it out with the bartender, Johnny Tipps.

[C]

He's just touching chicken. He's cross contaminated that one there.

[A]

He's touching all that chicken.

[C]

He touched the microphone.

[B]

Shut it down.

[A]

We're mid show. He comes in and shuts it down.

[C]

Maria Menudos walks in here. She's ordering everything off the menu. Do you have a cocktail menu?

[A]

That's the problem with the test, though. You have everybody come in at once. Of course they're gonna get slaves. 300 people don't walk in at the same time.

[C]

Never.

[A]

And they get real doc. Those. Those people. That's a. That's. That's the problem with human beings. You give them a little, like they're, you know, the judges, they start being dicks.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I've been waiting 15 minutes.

[A]

You're eating the fucking Santa Fe. Shut the fuck up.

[C]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. You're eating a fried egg roll in a box.

[B]

Right? He used to have a. He used to do a bit of taffer. You know what this bun eats? Palm trees. That's his answer to everything.

[C]

A butt funnel.

[A]

You like that joke?

[B]

That was a good bit. I like you doing the taffer. Was. Was very funny.

[A]

All right, bring that back.

[B]

Cut the whole segment. Send that to me, please.

[A]

But go ahead. I'm sorry.

[B]

No, no, that was it.

[C]

That's it. Yeah. I can't believe.

[B]

Talk about a guy who got lost in the conversation.

[C]

I can't believe no one's ever like, yeah, every. I think everybody's done one of those.

[B]

Those. I never have. I was always. I always thought I would whiff and just like. And then be like, this kid's the biggest pussy.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't. I didn't put myself in the situation.

[C]

Your wife just hands you divorce papers immediately. She's like, no, that can't happen. Yeah.

[A]

We get the precursor to that at our fairs and bazaars was bizarre. You don't know what a bazaar is,

[B]

but nobody says that.

[A]

Oh, yeah?

[C]

What'd you get?

[B]

Cool guys who drive Escalades.

[C]

What was the game?

[A]

The Holy Savior Bazaar in the summer up in. In Wilkesbury was hot potato pancakes. 50. 50. A lot of gambling. But the. The thing with the mouth.

[B]

Oh, the sludge. Yeah.

[C]

Hit the ring the bell.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

The masculinity when a prize pig. Yeah. Hey, that's my mom you're talking about. Her name's Gail.

[A]

I was gonna say. That's how my parents got me.

[C]

Sorry, Mom.

[B]

She.

[C]

She loves your show.

[B]

Is there. Sorry, Gail. Is there any other carnival game you would say you're good at? Like, I. I claim to be very Good at the crane game.

[C]

No, no, no. I'm terrible at him. I, I. I feel like that's where that's, like the young hook for gamblers. My roommate in college, Mike Malik, I watched him spend, like, $125 at a basketball.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And like, it was to the point. I think he was trying to win a girl a teddy bear. I'm like, mike, you lost it 80 bucks ago. Like. Like the girl doesn't even care anymore. Now. Now you're just, like, watching the gambler turn on. He's like, no, it's not right. And I'm like, what?

[A]

She's making out with some other guy behind the tent, literally turning up with it. I got it.

[C]

Yeah. She's like, I don't care anymore. He's a Kino champion.

[A]

You ever walk out of there with a goldfish?

[C]

No.

[A]

You ever walk out of there with a hermit crab?

[C]

Nope. No. I know. I'm a loser. Yeah. Damn. I'm a carnival loser.

[B]

You got pussy, dude.

[C]

No pussy.

[A]

You don't want a goddamn goldfish.

[C]

No carney pussy for me. I wish. Yeah. No.

[A]

I bet you were too scared to get into the salt and pepper shakers, too.

[C]

What's you got? You guys got salt and peppers as a fucking con?

[B]

Salt pepper was, like, very 1950s.

[A]

Like, it's, you know, it's very dangerous.

[C]

Damn it.

[A]

It looks like an egg. And they both spin like this. And then it goes around in a circle. It's a ride.

[C]

It sure sounds fun. You boys are really whipping around with

[A]

who wants to get cte?

[C]

This is made with wartime plastics.

[B]

See?

[A]

Who wants to ride the asbestos rocket? Hop right in, kids.

[C]

Be careful for your fingernails gets under there, you'll be in a world of trouble,

[A]

you know? You know the salt and pepper shakers

[B]

I got you, big guy?

[C]

Where the hell are you guys from here, the past. Would you guys get a time machine to get here?

[B]

That's what doing this thing.

[A]

Whoa.

[C]

Because they're the jitterbug to meet your wife's like, holy shit.

[B]

That is. I don't know. It's just like how my mom would. We'd go up on a board, and I'd go, did you do this on pepper shaker? Like, yeah, it was just what they called it. I guess it was very of the. Our parents generation called it that. And that's just what it's like. Just stayed in.

[A]

I never got in there. I was too scared. No, this is like. This is 1980s outside of Philly.

[C]

No wonder why the. The Punching machine must have looked like a robot that was trying to fight you guys. Like, yeah, none of that New Fame

[B]

show up to square off with it.

[C]

The robot was talking to me.

[B]

Come on, let's get him.

[A]

Can this thing move or what?

[C]

I think it'll chase us.

[A]

Let's get out of here.

[B]

There he is. Have I pointed him out?

[C]

There he is from across the boardwalk talking. Huh?

[B]

There he is. I swear to God, look at him

[C]

over there, staring at me.

[A]

So you're the one I've been hearing all this talk about, huh? Why don't you square with me?

[C]

Hey, the two nut jobs from the past are here again. In your 40s film noir, detective costumes, candy apples.

[A]

Who'd have thought, huh?

[C]

Dick Tracy and his cousins are here to kick the machine's ass.

[B]

I've seen it all. Oh, God. Okay. Huh?

[A]

All right.

[B]

What was the name growing up. Or I assume at some point you were an independent rental store, like movie rental store guy. What was that?

[C]

Major Video. Major Video. Yeah. It was a good one. You guys didn't know. You Blockbuster?

[B]

Yeah, we were. I was until Blockbuster came in and shut it all down. We were Epic Video.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Yeah. What was our hometown? Our hometown one before west coast and Blockbuster. I can't remember. I know there was one. I just can't remember the name of it.

[C]

That smell. Remember that smell?

[A]

That smell of Blockbuster? Yes. I worked at a West coast video.

[C]

They make a candle for a Blockbuster candle.

[B]

Really?

[C]

Yes. Yankee Candle makes a Blockbuster Yankee Candle. I found that out. We called them.

[A]

What don't you know? You know a lot. I wish. Don't stop doing that, all right? Stop discrediting.

[C]

You know, when you're. What did they call that? When you're a scumbag. Yeah. When you're full of scum and you're a bag of it and you're a varsity Kino player. You have a lot of time to stare at your phone. I'm really gonna get the minutes out of my phone. Put my. My. My data plan.

[A]

The. The decorating, home decor world that you're in. House. All that stuff. They really.

[C]

That's a weird.

[A]

Did they not know what to make of you?

[C]

No. That's a good one. It's.

[A]

It's like when you were sitting there that you sat around with, you said, we're sitting around with those guys. And, like, this is the kind of stuff that they talk about that you love. What do they think of you? It's.

[B]

He's the guy.

[A]

You're nine different people.

[B]

It is Nicky, He's a little dangerous, but he knows about candles.

[C]

He loves his. His decor. He's a beautiful Nancy Myers guy.

[A]

Nancy Myers.

[C]

My thing my dad had. I think it started with my dad, Rocky, who I'm dressed like. I'm dressed like Rocky. One good fit. He was a. He was a. He had a furniture guy, Dick Traconi. And he would work this guy. He's dead now. He would work this guy for living room sets. So my dad would change living room sets like a. Like a lady with like shoes. And so I come home from school and he'd have like a whole nother the theme. Like new drapes. New. My mom would go to this, like I'd come home in the living room, like, what the living room set. He's like, this one's way more this way. Nine grand I got him. Oh, not back.

[A]

So that was the step into the world.

[C]

That was that. And then my mom worked at a.

[B]

There's always money. The value of it was. Yeah, it's always like more money.

[C]

This I'm trading up. He took it back in trade, which is crazy to take A furniture would take our back in train, which is nuts. And he would get like. And he would work them. And then so it started to get like, I think about my bedroom set. My parents would let me do like pick out wallpaper stuff. They'd be like, go ahead and we'll do it. Me and your aunt Denise will do the wallpaper and blah, blah, blah.

[A]

You would pick out what you weren't getting like baseball mitts.

[C]

I was.

[B]

I did.

[C]

I got baseball mitts. And I would get like the border. Remember the border? You'd get like the Red Sox border. You get the blue bottom with the striped top and the red sock. Remember that? Yeah, that was like a look. You'd have like that three ninjas house

[A]

wallpapers kind of coming back.

[C]

It is big. Yeah. Wallpaper from the seventies dot com. That's a big website. Shout out. You owe me money.

[A]

You said 70s.com.

[C]

No, there's a wallpaper website called wallpaper from the seventies.com, which is like a really good place to go buy wallpaper.

[A]

I'll tell you what my ultimate, like if, you know, I'm not great with that stuff, but I would love to have a house that was like 70 style, early 80s. Like the way mid modern.

[B]

Is that what that is?

[C]

Mid mod?

[A]

Yeah, the way. What's it fucking? That 70s show. The way that kitchen looks, that reminds me of like when I was a little kid.

[C]

They're around.

[A]

I mean desperately want.

[C]

Philly's got a lot of them outside. You gotta get it.

[A]

Which I'm dying to get back.

[B]

I'm trying to get Back to the 70s, baby.

[C]

Which. Yeah, which cast member of Boogie Nights are you gonna be? Are you gonna be William H. Macy or are you gonna be Philip Seymour Hall?

[A]

My wife has got her ass in the cock in the driveway. I'm not gonna be Dirk Diggler, I can tell you that.

[C]

What the hell are you doing out here, honey? He's like, I'm getting laid, honey.

[A]

I would have been a combination of Scotty and what's his name, the guy that gets killed. Not Aaron Eckhart. Who am I thinking of? God? It was the dancer. Blonde headed guy, the dancer. I brought it to a screeching halt. Not Aaron Eckhart, but the other guy that looks just like him. He was in Hung.

[C]

Aaron Eckhart.

[A]

I don't know.

[C]

I would be the. I'd be the Asian guy lighting the fireworks off of me. Thomas Jane.

[A]

Thomas Jane. God damn it. Neither one of you idiots knew that.

[B]

I never. I never liked the movie. What?

[C]

Yeah, it was a weird movie.

[B]

Caught it at a weird time.

[C]

Boogie Nights. Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

[A]

The same age. Isn't that weird?

[C]

Directed that we 19 years old when he got that movie. He was like 11 when he got that deal.

[A]

Who, the Paul Thomas? Yeah, Burt Reynolds. Hated it.

[C]

11 year old at once. Of course. Hollywood. An 11 year old that wants to write a movie about porno.

[A]

Perfect.

[C]

How old are you, kid? Doesn't matter. Get him in there.

[A]

Yeah, Kevin. Talking about the chime card, baby.

[B]

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[A]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[B]

This is one that's come up. We did. We did a whole episode on it. What do you do or have in your life? And it might not be expensive or super nice, but that makes you feel classy.

[C]

Like espresso machine at the house. A La Marzocco. I have a La Marzocco and a what's that going for 6 grand. Would you pay 6 grand? Not pay 4000 retails pay sucker. Yeah, no, I wish. That's the Every day I leave my house. It was like three years ago I got it and my buddy owns a coffee shop, Bolt Coffee in Providence. And I was like, hey man, I called New England. I know you can get a double gang Marzocco. The $25,000 ones I know you can get them for you're looking at.

[A]

It's like we know what you're talking about.

[C]

You know the we got a Keurig with fucking yeah, that's got to go immediately like that. I'm taking that with me. I'm doing you a favor.

[B]

Sal Volcano is given is gifting us an espresso. Supposedly I'm still waiting. So where is he sent me a fucking picture.

[C]

Is it a real one? Yeah, it's pretty good 14 or 5 grand. I think it's a Linnea Mini.

[A]

No. What's the company La Marzocco. No, it's not La Marzocco.

[C]

I Better not be a Breville. No. Yeah, that one. That's not gonna cut it.

[A]

No?

[C]

No.

[A]

Who's Sal Marzocco?

[C]

Sal Volcano? No, La Marzocco.

[B]

This guy's good.

[A]

What's the name of the company?

[C]

La Marzocco. That's the one you see at the coffee shop.

[A]

Oh, I know what you're talking about.

[C]

Yeah, you've seen it. So it's a Breville. Yeah, the Breville. No, you're not getting that. That's a thousand bucks. You're gonna blow right through that.

[B]

The barista touch. Stainless steel looks very nice.

[A]

And Sal.

[C]

I wish I had Sal's money. I'd send you way, but no, you can get a refurb doublegang. Like a two.

[A]

Two?

[B]

Yeah, but then I gotta be a fucking barista.

[A]

Refurb double gang.

[C]

Two gang is two handles. And I find one from this company,

[B]

this guy's gonna be pawning it in fucking in two weeks. What are you nuts?

[C]

What machine? What coffee machine? You mean the Keurig roach? You took that out of here? Threw it off the balcony.

[A]

Boys, we got robbed.

[C]

You're never gonna believe this.

[B]

I got good news and bad news. Bad news is we've been robbed. Good news is I got new sunglasses, two Italian guys.

[A]

Wait, where's the espresso machine? In the house? In the kitchen?

[C]

In the. In the barn.

[A]

In the barn where you work?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Right.

[C]

So I have the business that runs out of the barn. In the back of it, it has the grinder, which was 1800. I had to pay for full retail for that. And then I.

[B]

That's a standalone product.

[C]

Standalone product.

[A]

Gotta grind your beans fresh.

[C]

They say you gotta grind them fresh.

[A]

That's what they say.

[B]

Keurig does that for me.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

This is all in one. It's in the cups.

[B]

It's in those plastic cups that are totally good for you.

[C]

Yeah, burning plastic is good for you. And then I. I bought like the to go cups. I have like a big ice thing.

[B]

You got a Stanley? You're a cute little bitch.

[A]

Yeah, you are.

[B]

You are so much fun. You are a cute little girl.

[A]

Are you going to Borders after this?

[B]

Go to Target.

[C]

I'm going to Aloe to get some. Some yoga pants from. That look good on my ass.

[A]

I go to Borders to. In the back.

[B]

Okay. So that is.

[C]

It's a good shit spot.

[B]

Yeah. That makes you feel. That's it.

[C]

I leave every day with like a nice coffee cup with 2i. 2 double shots of espresso over ice with a touch of milk and Two, three stevias.

[B]

Now I learned that it makes it. Does it make it double? It only makes it double.

[C]

Yeah, it's got a double. The portafilter has a double splitter. Yeah, the thing that. That's called a porta portafilter.

[A]

I mean it only makes double the double shot espresso.

[C]

And. And I make them what's called like soupy, which is like, I overbrew them. I keep it in there too long. You're supposed to put in like. You're supposed to let it only go to like 30 grams or something. I let it like soup up. So I put. I over brew it, which is like a thing. But you don't. I don't know how to order.

[B]

It's like an artistic choice.

[C]

I know. It's like, I think it's like. Honestly, I think it's like a scumbag. Like, I want more coffee out of this thing than they're gonna give 30 grams.

[A]

One of the last places I waited tables at Snack Taverna, which is closed, I always say it, shout out to. It was awesome. But they had a crazy fucking espresso machine. And I worked breakfast. I had no idea what I was doing. I never really knew how to do it right. Yeah, you know what I mean?

[C]

It's like 21 grams in and like this, like you weigh it. It's all weight. And I was like, this is so my buddy taught me. He gave it like a ghost moment. He's like holding the hand and like, teach me how to do it. It was pretty gay. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I'm kissing.

[A]

That's the only way to do it, right.

[C]

I never liked women. I'm leaving my wife tomorrow.

[A]

Sam Marzano would want it this way.

[C]

I want to open a coffee shop with you so fucking bad. Let's move away to the Cape.

[B]

That's a really good answer.

[C]

But yeah, no, that one. That was like life changing. That, that and like a decent cologne and perfumes and stuff like that makes

[A]

you feel what's decent for you. Cologne was. I can't remember if we asked you this.

[C]

Gannett. Mark.

[B]

Mark.

[C]

Antoine Barois. Like, my wife was a buyer for Home Goods and Marshalls, right? So like she gave us like she got me on a fragrance early from like everything early.

[B]

It does anything you're behind every time.

[A]

I told you, like fucking fences, gravel, you're all over the map.

[C]

Health, liver, health.

[B]

I got Into Health at 41.

[C]

Yeah, right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I just.

[C]

Just figured out that I have organs inside my body.

[A]

You know, baccarat the fragrance.

[C]

Yeah. That's a good one.

[A]

Yeah, that's. I got that at the house.

[C]

Yeah, you see? You smell great.

[A]

Yeah, it's nice. These are. I'm using. Well right now I have on a dupe. All right, maybe like.

[B]

Smells like.

[A]

All right, maybe like a year and a half ago, my wife had wanted the. That perfume or whatever, that fragrance. I think it's men and women.

[B]

The red one.

[A]

I don't know.

[C]

Baccarat Rouge.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Is that men and women?

[C]

500 bucks unisex. Most of them are.

[A]

I've been having a lot of that.

[C]

Most of the good ones.

[A]

Jerking off alone crying. Right.

[B]

It's a name on my next.

[C]

But I smell good.

[A]

And then she went and re upped on it. I don't know, maybe like six months ago. And he gave me a couple of samples.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And I just found them and live for the samples. Yeah, me too.

[C]

For the same.

[A]

I love having the variety.

[C]

That's as good as the espresso machines. Lucky scent you can get. If you say I like Baccarat Rouge, they'll send you six that you should like.

[A]

It's like Spotify summer light summer algorithm. Yes.

[C]

And they're like, oh, you like to smell like Baccarat rouge. You like to smell like a svelte NBA player.

[A]

I So I don't know what this means about me. Me, my. My hormones, my sexuality or me as a man in general. I think I smell better with perfume on.

[C]

You might. You know, they smell better than my.

[B]

And my dick tucked into my asshole.

[C]

I think I smell better when I'm kissing my husband on Fire Island.

[A]

Is it me or is it me or do I smell better when I'm getting nailed from behind?

[B]

It's hot, right? It's weird.

[C]

I don't even smell so good today.

[A]

I swear to God I do.

[B]

Uh huh.

[A]

I need something.

[B]

Is it weird I can only come with a dick in my mouth? Is that weird?

[C]

Is it weird I have the convertible top down and I'm holding hands with my husband?

[A]

Convertible. I think we should get a place

[C]

over here on Fire Island. Yeah.

[A]

I swear to God though, I'm like better with the lighter, you know.

[B]

Well, I'm sure. Yeah. You're not a musky man.

[A]

I'm not a man's man.

[B]

You're. You're a lady. A bit of a lady. You're a bit of a manly lady. I think you've gone the other way. You're a bit of a. You're a bit of a butch dude.

[C]

Well, you did say you turned on that role. A little butch dude, like a Rosie o' Donnell in that movie about the bus.

[A]

All right.

[B]

I love how you're just winging. You don't have anything written down.

[C]

I like that.

[B]

Yeah. One time you asked my name, you crossed out his name. And when you were. When he said baccarat, you wrote down ba.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Hey, don't expose what I do. I'm acting over it.

[B]

Diary of A.

[A]

No, I wrote down Sadie Alphabet. I don't know what that. And I wrote down major video for eating.

[B]

This one says, I love dong. Okay. Okay, guys, we're having fun here.

[A]

I didn't mean to crush your name.

[B]

Oh, you think he took that person?

[A]

I redo it in a heart.

[C]

Yeah, right.

[B]

Yeah, right. You write down Henry Rocha for it.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, right. It's just a picture of us on a wedding cake. I'm canceling the tickets to Fire island for your birthday.

[B]

Like, forget it. He's never gonna go for it. Guys. You think Nick likes me?

[C]

Yeah. Are we gonna. Well, cancel that out.

[A]

Henry Rochefort actually has a real nice.

[B]

Henry Rochefort's a good guy. Henry Foley stinks. Henry Rochefort got a couple of bucks.

[C]

They love each other. They're fucking in love. They were nosing together at Skank Fest. I was like this. No, you're the best. No, you're the best.

[B]

That's fucking good. Have you ever gone to a wedding reception and not the ceremony?

[A]

Trash.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

Dirt bag move.

[C]

That is a dirt bag move.

[A]

Dirt bag. That.

[C]

That receive and not the ceremony?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

When you're on the fringes, though, that was.

[B]

I don't mind that.

[A]

That was a. Yeah. There was a different time for that.

[C]

No one wants to see you at the cere.

[A]

You have to.

[B]

Unless you're like, your cousin or somebody, like, close, where you're like, I really care about this. Otherwise, just go to the party.

[A]

No, no, no. Okay. You two are mixed up.

[C]

You ever not give a gift?

[A]

Yeah, once.

[B]

And then I've been asked about it.

[C]

Sorry, Bruce Burrard, I didn't give you a gift. That was a real piece of shit. I went to the mental hospital a week after that. Yeah, so did I. I was in a really bad place that night. And then Peter Battacari called me out for smelling like weed at your reception. I really embarrassed. He's like, who's Roachwood? You smell like a fucking blunt.

[A]

Who said this? Peter Panakari.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ocean State. Ocean State. Jumpster. Right in front of my Aunts, like, real, like, embarrassing. Like, you know when you're, like, high as a kite and you walk in, you smell like. It's like roachy. You smell like wheat. And I was like, shut the up.

[A]

Talk about freaking somebody out.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. I'm there with no gift.

[B]

Dude, they're gonna know. Yeah.

[C]

Now they're gonna know we don't have a gift. For me. They saw me not walk over to the table.

[A]

It's a half a box of cupcakes.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

The girl that's not on the invitation.

[A]

Listen, this is what I was trying to say. I think for a minute, for you guys, at a certain point, that did become somewhat fashionable to just show up to the reception.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

I don't know about fashionable. Yeah.

[A]

But I don't. I don't think that's lasted. I don't think that's a good thing.

[B]

No.

[A]

I also think it's very trashy. Where. That's kind of. If there's a wedding where that's kind of the thing.

[C]

Oh, the.

[B]

The ceremony.

[A]

The ceremony is gonna be real small.

[B]

It's like a funeral versus a wake.

[A]

But we're doing the Ramada right after. Yeah, that's. There's gonna be a fight.

[C]

We've glorified the drinking of the. Of the wedding.

[B]

That's all I'm so indoctrinated to. Like, that's the only reason you go to a wedding.

[C]

Did you get highly embarrassed? You ever go to. At your wedding?

[B]

Sure.

[C]

Okay. You know, it's like every blackout and

[B]

call my wife a bitch. Yeah.

[C]

Everybody thinks they're just right. Like, you're like, I have a nice family. I come from a nice family. My wife comes from a nice family. And then it's, here come the fucking cousins. Like, the shit.

[B]

You see your cousins, you're right, right. And they're like, dude, I had it. We went to a. Went to a bar afterwards and we're like, you know, $20 cocktails and shit. And they were like, what the hell? $30 for a martini.

[C]

I'll be next door.

[A]

You know what they're charging in here?

[C]

Yeah, yeah. To the bartender. Yeah, Mike, my. My father in law brings a box of decent cigars. My cousin John John grabs all of them right out of the John John puts them in his pocket and starts handing them out like he bought him

[B]

classic John John movie. I respect that.

[C]

Got you a cigar, kid.

[B]

Hey, good shit.

[C]

I was like, whoa, bro.

[A]

That's a fucking move.

[C]

Yeah, he's. He's like a house. He's like, Six. Six.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I got you.

[C]

I can hear him saying, I got you a cigar. I'm like, mike brought the cigars.

[B]

Because the dirtbag move, the real dirtbag move, is to just take them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The mastermind is to go, I'm gonna get good credit from this.

[C]

Yep.

[B]

I'm gonna look like the big shot who brought the cigar.

[A]

Not Karen. With the guy who bought them. Yeah.

[C]

That was a wild sociopath. Where'd you get married? Where did you.

[B]

We did a small. We did city hall in New York, and then.

[C]

Least New York. New Yorkers I've ever seen.

[B]

What do you mean?

[C]

I just don't.

[A]

First of all, we're not New Yorkers.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Clearly.

[C]

Yeah. You guys strike me as totally. And then I see you in your.

[B]

What do you want me to be, like, a slice of pizza or something?

[A]

We're not from Bensonhurst, Manhattanite.

[C]

It's like, oh, we got married to studio Hall. That's so fucking crazy.

[B]

It was for a green car. Fly out to the Hamptons.

[C]

Did you helicopter the Hamptons?

[B]

Nobody goes to the Hamptons.

[C]

Right? He was uptown on 6th and 9th. Like, who gives a shit?

[A]

He's not John F. Kennedy Jr. Right.

[C]

A city hall, like, that's very.

[B]

Like, there was Todd. My wife is from another country. It wasn't for the green card, but that was. Is a part of it.

[C]

Your wife is really.

[B]

Yeah, my wife's German.

[C]

Really?

[B]

I think is here. Did I hear my baby crying? Yes.

[A]

No way.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That's cool.

[C]

Wow, that's so cool. Is that. She's here.

[A]

Don't leave. I want to see the kid.

[B]

I heard a baby crying. I'm like, that could only be mine.

[A]

So funny. I didn't hear him. You didn't hear him either.

[C]

I didn't.

[A]

Well, that means you're, like, tapped in. Wow. You are the father.

[C]

It's time for you to babysit. Why don't we bring the baby out here? We can babysit while we're doing the podcast.

[A]

That's a good accent. We can do that.

[B]

Okay. All right.

[A]

So anyway, that's my thoughts on the.

[C]

Yeah, you got to go to the reception. You have to go to the whole thing.

[A]

Ceremony.

[B]

Yeah, I. I listen, I agree.

[C]

We do have to be better people. Morality.

[B]

One of my. What are we doing? One of my favorite things ever, too, is.

[A]

Sorry real quick. I'm going to cut you off. Yeah, you can just go to the wake, though.

[B]

Oh, yeah, you go to the wake? Yeah, you can just go to the wake. I think the funeral to me was always like closer friends and family. As I've gotten older, I feel like that's extended a bit. But, you know, it's like if you go to the church for a funeral, it's the funeral.

[A]

I will say this. The funeral is nicer. Do you get the funeral? You're going to. You're going to feel more connected. And I'm not talking about the funeral at the church or at the, you know, wherever your house of worship is or whatever. At cemetery. You get a. You get a cloudy day, you get a nice crowd. You get a priest that or whoever that can kind of give it a little something for a couple of minutes. And maybe you have little bagpipes or something in the distance.

[C]

And you look like you're in the November rain video and everybody.

[A]

You're dropping the roses on the grave.

[B]

Yeah, I'm shredded. Like a fucking face melting solo.

[C]

Yeah, you look. You guys look like boys to men in the back.

[A]

And we both know hearts can change.

[C]

Now do you guys do the. No.

[A]

Podcast lasts forever.

[B]

Hey, don't say that.

[C]

You guys do the hard drinking after. No.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

This is my favorite. My. This one of my most favorite setups of and experiences with my family of all time was. It was. My grandmother passed away. My whole family's from Kensington, Port Richmond, the rich area.

[C]

Kensington. Beautiful summer there. Yeah.

[B]

But so everybody.

[A]

I Fentanyl there.

[B]

That's where I nod off everybody. A lot of our family's funerals, specifically my grandmother and grandfather's are still in that area, still in the neighborhood at the churches. And my aunt and cousins live right across the street. So that's like set up shop because the funeral takes so long because it's, you know, a neighborhood thing and it's so big. And so we would go, we'd be going to get beers.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

In the middle of the thing and you're in the back, you got a heater going. People are smoking who don't always smoke. The uncle's coming out. Like, I haven't smoked in 15. You gimme one of them, kid. And you're sitting there crushing beers. It's like 11am That's I. And you're in the row home in Port Ridge. I love it.

[C]

That is drinking hall of fame. My favorite aunt, my. My aunt Corky died and my cousin Jay's is my cousin.

[B]

Shout out Aunt Corky. What was a Corky's real name?

[C]

Colleen.

[A]

That's pretty close.

[C]

She and Cork.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Right up in the sky. Definitely in heaven. Sitting right next to Jesus himself, 100%. And everybody loved Cork. She was fun, you know. So I was up about it. She was. We got. We went to the Italian Workman's Club after and got five kinds of annihilated. So this is. This is like a world. I'm talking like, we're sad, we're hammered. My cousin's my age, my cousin Jay, and we're getting. There's like 15 of us. We're getting like fucking blotto, like.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Now his uncle Eddie is a small guy who's thin, a smaller guy, and he's like. He's like, there they call. He's like, I can kick the ceiling. You ever meet guys that have physical prowess at 55? And they're like, I can high split

[B]

because the guy wanted on.

[C]

You can high kick?

[B]

I can high kick.

[C]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. I mean, I can't hit the ceiling, but you can.

[C]

You can have a high kick.

[B]

I can get the kick in the hand.

[C]

My hand up high. You could kick it and you might have shown that. Yeah, you could kick my head. Awesome. I want you to kick me in the head. I do. And Eddie's like, I can jump on top of a cigarette machine. Now he's saying all these things and I.

[B]

That's crazy. That's such a dirt bag.

[A]

Feeding strength, man.

[B]

A cigarette machine. Not like on the bar, that stool. A high top table I can jump on.

[C]

Like, a cigarette machine is like a little higher than a bar. I'm like, fuck you. Now I'm a ball boss. I'm like, fuck you. You can't.

[A]

What about a table? I don't do tables.

[C]

I ain't jump. What do I. That's bush league. My wife could jump on a table.

[B]

The dirt. What am I, a lady?

[A]

The dirtbag Olympics.

[C]

So we're having an Olympics kind of thing going on. I'm like, he's kicking the ceiling. And I'm like, this. He's like, that's Fast Eddie. I'm like, nah, you don't know who that is. I'm like, I'd fucking smoke you, Eddie. He's like, fuck you, you fat piece of shit. You never smoke me. Now I'm at the bar and people kind of hear us, like, kind of getting loud now. He's like an uncle. He's my cousin's uncle, so I don't really know him that well, but I'm. I'm ribbing him hard. I'm like this. I played football.

[A]

I don't know. Cousin's uncle.

[C]

He's like, my.

[A]

That should be your dad.

[B]

My dad's pissed, Eddie.

[C]

My dad was so quick. So he was like, I'd smoke you. I was like, you never smoke me. He's like this, he's like, watch out. And I hear this lady tell me, like, watch out. He was the fastest guy in school. You not. I'm like, are you from the past? Yeah, right, right.

[B]

She's calling.

[C]

Do you play salt and pepper? Salt and pepper shakers. So we go in the park, thinks it's a game. Yeah. He's like, I don't even know what

[B]

the hell that is.

[C]

So we're like. I'm like, I'll bet you. I'll tell you what, I'll give you a hundred dollars if you can beat me in a foot race. And he's like, ah, you're on. So now everybody dumps out into the parking lot. You're drunk, hammered, in a suit in a parking lot on 100 yard dash. We pace out. 100 yard dash.

[A]

How long ago is this?

[C]

I was 26. All right, all right, 27.

[B]

How are you size wise?

[C]

I'm six three, two, five, eight. And Eddie, Eddie's small, but Eddie's five seven. We are five eight, five eight, one

[A]

five zero, but 55 years old and like a.

[C]

He looks like a karate instructor.

[B]

Also the name Fast Eddie. Let's not look past fast.

[A]

Fast Daddy is risking serious bodily injury.

[C]

Yeah, he's 50. He's 51 at the time.

[A]

He's risking a lot of time off of work, maybe some workman's computer.

[C]

Mind you, he's the bar. Back at the bar we're at.

[A]

Fair enough. Mind you.

[C]

So we're like, we're like. But I remember I was smoking pot out of a bowl about two hours before that. I saw him whack the bowl. So I know he's fucked up. I'm like, nah, I'm gonna get him also.

[B]

You're not fucked up.

[C]

I'm like, I'm like in prime drinking. So I'm like, no, I'm gonna 26.

[A]

That's a big difference.

[B]

The drinking hits you.

[A]

You.

[B]

There's a. There's a psychological phase of drinking where you're like, I'm fucked up. And then the point where, like, I could probably fucking do that. Yeah, yeah. And then you go, I can't do it again. But if you get in that phase,

[C]

I was in like the. I can, I can win three pools.

[A]

26. You're superhuman.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. You know, you don't realize it now, but like, I had like, I played football, so I had, like, a sprinter stance.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I'm stretching myself out and people are like, what's wrong? Like, everybody know it. No one knew. I went to, like, no one. We didn't talk to each other. I went away for school, and they were like, I don't know what he's doing out there in New York. I went to Wagner College, so they didn't know. And I'm sprint and I beat him. So we line up. Market Seco. I beat him. He says I cheated. I said to. I beat him again. I'm dying.

[A]

It was 100 yards.

[C]

It was a hundred yards.

[A]

So football field.

[C]

A football field. We did a full football field.

[B]

That.

[C]

So I was so happy because it wasn't. It was pretty close. It wasn't like an easy win. I was like, full 40. I remember, like, every step, like, down, up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down. Like, don't look up until you're up.

[A]

Looks like you should have been wearing that outfit, right?

[C]

I was too drunk. Like, if I can only imagine, like, we're walking by this thing. We go outside.

[B]

Me a Fast Eddie, me and you outside.

[C]

We go inside, the bunch of Italian kids chasing you. You beat Fast Eddie. Cut to two. Ten years later, my cousin opens a bar. Fast Eddie's Cocktails and Dreams. My cousin Jay names this place Fast Eddie.

[A]

Oh, really? Yeah.

[B]

After Fast Eddie.

[C]

After that night.

[B]

What a. I mean, look at that.

[C]

I was like, you're gonna change your name Fast Eddie. We're gonna call you Slow Eddie from now on.

[B]

Don't you do that.

[C]

So pissed off.

[A]

Was Eddie alive to see the bargain open?

[C]

He's still alive. Hey, Eddie. Just remember, I smoked your ass. You'll never beat me. I'll beat you now. I'll beat you then. You never beat me. I'm the fastest drunk guy in. In that parking lot that night.

[A]

He's probably in his 70s.

[B]

Yeah, good.

[C]

I'll beat you then.

[A]

I don't care.

[C]

I'll kick your wheelchair over. You're never gonna smoke me.

[A]

You already won't beat him.

[C]

Nah, I wanna beat you again. This time worse.

[A]

Rochefort, let it go.

[C]

Nah, the man's dead. Nah, he was talking too much.

[B]

I like how you're trying to make talk shit on him. And you're clearly just a crazy person holding a grudge.

[C]

Like he's a frail old man now.

[A]

Guy, I wasn't even there that night.

[C]

Who the hell did you be? I beat a homeless guy.

[B]

That reminded my stepdad's wake or funeral. Afterwards, we're at a bar, the Buck Hotel. Shout out to Buck Hotel right off Street Road and nice joint. We were there if we did the lunch in there and then if we're at the bar drinking, you know, me, a couple cousins, uncle, like really drinking. Except I was a big drinker and he liked the vodka. So we're doing shots of absolute and every time we're doing one, we're putting. I got friends in low places on the. On the fucking touch tunes and those guys sitting there just fucking crushing.

[C]

I never got to do shots of vodka with absolute. Absolute warm.

[B]

Absolute.

[A]

I never got to do that with any of the deaths. And I had a good amount, a pretty good run there that where I was able to like, I could run a.

[B]

People dying around me. Yeah.

[A]

To let. To let it all go and have that night like my dad's. I couldn't because like we, you know, was like at the house and we had the. To be somewhat responsible.

[B]

That's what we look. My family looks for that of like, wait till. Wait till everyone leaves. Call me next.

[C]

I'll be your date.

[A]

I didn't want to end up like. Like Brad Pitt and Snatch crying like, you know, when they were like holding him back after his mom died at the. At the wake. You know, I want.

[C]

When you're burning your mother's. You're burning your mother's caravan. You're lighting your. Your aunt's Pontiac Sunfire on fire. You're throwing a Molotov cocktail into her Cavalier and it's good. She's out in a better place Now

[A]

I got my shit shirt on your slow motion. It's just me attacking the hoagie train.

[C]

It's you on the phone with Subway. Complaining. Badass looking though. Your hair's all wet.

[B]

God damn.

[A]

Shout out to Snatch. What a movie.

[C]

That was a good movie.

[A]

Oh, my God. That was.

[C]

That was.

[A]

I don't know why he doesn't do anything funny anymore.

[C]

Guy Richie.

[A]

No State. No, he does. I just watched again. I watched the whole thing all the way through. Ungentle Me. Ungentlemanly Acts of Warfare or something like that. It's got Henry Cavill and the dude from Jack Reacher. Really good. Very Guy Ritchie.

[C]

I never had you as a movie buff in my head. But you are a movie buff.

[B]

He likes a movie.

[C]

I would.

[A]

What I was gonna say is. What's his name? Strathan.

[C]

Oh, Jason Statham.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You haven't said anyone's name right.

[A]

Ratchaford Kevin Bryant.

[C]

That's my fault.

[A]

And Luke Twinson.

[B]

Pretty good.

[C]

That's not bad, eh?

[A]

Yeah, it's very good.

[C]

It sounds a bit in the headphones.

[A]

He's so funny in Snatch comedy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Turkish. Yeah, Turkish. Not a lot of people named after a plane crash.

[C]

Yeah, that was a good movie. Yeah, great. Anyway, Olympic diver.

[A]

I digress.

[B]

You have a pepper grinder at the house?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Got to.

[C]

No, I got the factory one. The one that you buy. The pepper. It comes in it.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I don't have an automatic one.

[A]

Really?

[B]

I would have paid you for an automatic.

[C]

I would, too, and I don't.

[A]

Did we ask you about your.

[B]

What's the corkscrew situation at the house?

[C]

Standard. The metal one. No, no. No frills.

[A]

You keep wine in the house?

[C]

Yep.

[A]

Nice bottles.

[C]

Natural wine.

[A]

Oh, that's right.

[C]

French natural wine. Biodynamic.

[A]

Did you tell us about this, your natural wine thing?

[B]

No. He's got a buddy, John Sarah, in a vineyard outside of Rock.

[C]

Got a tiny little interest in a biodynamic farm in France in the Beaujolais region of the Rothschild. The Lower South, I believe. No, I'm a. I'm not. I. I like. Honestly, I like my white wine choice is.

[B]

What do you do? Oh, God.

[C]

It's white wine. I like. I like, like mineral. Like rocks in my mouth. Minerality from Sears, like. Yeah. Weird. Apparently I'm supposed to like Rieslings, according to my buddy John. Yeah, he sent me a bunch. And I like the French natural wine stuff. Like. Wow. What the fuck is that?

[A]

You got to get a German Riesling.

[C]

You'd like that Gamaze, huh? German Rieslings are the one.

[A]

Something right on the border.

[C]

That's what they say.

[A]

Yeah. French and Germany.

[C]

You're. You're a regular? Some. Oh, yeah. Aren't you Turkish? He knows his one.

[A]

No, I worked at a corporate restaurant. And they taught you all that stuff? A lot of people up there.

[C]

The whole corporate restaurant. Well, it touched you a lot.

[A]

It was Devin's.

[B]

It was Arby's.

[C]

Yeah. We've got the beef.

[B]

We got a Sprite from outside Detroit.

[A]

What am I going to pair these horse tips with, huh?

[C]

Yeah, I know. How the hell do you not German Riesling at a corporate restaurant?

[A]

I worked for Devin Seafood and they taught. They teach you all that stuff.

[B]

That's nice. Was Devin corporate? Is that.

[A]

Yeah, Houlihans owned it.

[B]

I didn't know.

[A]

Owns it.

[B]

I didn't know that. Yeah, I thought it was more like

[C]

it out after they had you as a waiter. You really wowed the Investors. They're like, look at this kid.

[B]

He knows he closed the Hula Haynes deal.

[C]

Got an onion blossom. This kid's. He's recommending a Riesling from the. From an Austrian Riesling. How the hell did he know that? A Gertz Weiner.

[A]

If you guys need me, I'm in the bathroom crushing up some Percocet.

[C]

Oh, okay. Never mind.

[B]

Have you ever been to a vineyard?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, which one?

[C]

I went to one on my honeymoon. I went to the Malibu vineyards. And when I lived down in Los Angeles, that was a fun thing. I saw Emma Roberts fall through a hay bale. That was fun.

[A]

Deep cut.

[C]

Yeah, I know. I walked in, Emma Roberts was, like, right there. And she, like, fell off the back when she's talking to her friends. And then it was like, the most girly girl day out in Malibu. Venus School with my wife, her friends. And then I went to one in. This is really. I went to one on my honeymoon in Italy. Positano for my honeymoon.

[B]

Very nice.

[C]

It was super nice. And then they give you this trip to a vineyard. I'm hammered in the lobby the night before, like, blotto. We're in Italy, no kids. You know who walks in?

[B]

You have kids before you got married?

[C]

No.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

No, we were.

[A]

We're old kids.

[C]

Yeah, right?

[B]

The way he said that was like, no kids. I'm like, that sounds like Pop Pops watching them.

[C]

Ended up buying the kids lighter. So we're. We're in the lob of this. The Il San Pietro, which is like a bougie hotel. My wife got it on points. I'm sitting with this couple, this rich couple. I remember they had big bucks because the woman came home with, like, 10 breaking bucks. Like, she had Hermes bags. I went to Capri and got Hermes, and they came home and she had bags on bags. And I was like, what's that? And I was like, that's probably, like, 100,000 worth of Hermes.

[B]

Hermes.

[C]

I was like, wow. I never heard of this shit. Anyway, I gotta take a dump. You think I could dump in the ocean?

[A]

You guys shopping?

[C]

Yeah. What'd you get? A. Wow. Someone's getting it tonight. Wow. $10,000 bag.

[A]

Try the ice cream they got over here. It's delicious.

[C]

Are you gonna be eating a lot of it tonight, toots?

[B]

I picture you out of the back of your husband, the hotel pool or the beach with the two guns. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, right? Really? I'm there.

[A]

Literally.

[B]

Where's your vineyard at?

[C]

They got good stuff there.

[A]

All right, I'll try It heard the spaghetti's good.

[C]

So we go there. Who walks in the lobby? Chris Klein from American Pie.

[B]

Second American Pie reference.

[C]

Today, I'm hammered. I look. The funniest thing I can think of is I go to my wife. I go, the fuck is Klein doing here?

[B]

Well, well, well. We meet again, Klein.

[C]

And he's like, what? So I go up to him, like, fuck are you doing here? And he's.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Like, kind of, like, nervous. Like, I was like, I'm just fucking with you, man. I was like, I know who you are. And he's like, no, no, it's cool. And I was like, yeah. He's like, yeah, I'm on my honeymoon.

[B]

It's even creepier. I know who you are. Yeah, right. He's frightened for you.

[C]

American Pie.

[B]

So then I'm like, he's Oz from American Pie.

[C]

We shoot the shit. He's like, I'm going to the vineyard. You guys. You got. So we went with him. We, like. We took a car to.

[A]

Oh, really?

[C]

At this vineyard, they sit you down at a table.

[A]

Well, you took a car with him?

[C]

No, we met him there.

[B]

They.

[C]

They put you in a car for your hotel?

[A]

Well, hold on. So this interaction with him, you didn't freak him out?

[B]

You pulled it out, calmed him down?

[C]

No, I'm pretty. I'm pretty good at that stuff. I had celebrities. I'm pretty good at, like, meeting. I lived in la Celebrity. You ever met Dave Chappelle?

[B]

That's pretty big.

[C]

I just walked up to him and

[A]

said, I know who you are.

[C]

Are you doing here, Klein? And he was like, do I know you? And I was like, nah, I'm just. Fuck with you, man.

[B]

That's great.

[C]

I met him at my Whole Foods.

[A]

Like guns.

[C]

Jonathan Silver. Yeah, you like guns? I got two of them tattooed on my hips. Check that out. Pretty badass, huh? No, it's not.

[A]

You hate it.

[C]

All right, I'll put them away. Yeah, I'm whack as shit. Yeah, no problem. I was a poet.

[A]

Security guys are with you? Okay, cool.

[C]

Okay. So then we go up. So that. Basically, it's like a thing from the hotel. They send you up there. We get up there. Now, this is great table. They're serving you dinner. There's like, 12 people, 12 couples from the hotel. We're drinking wine, but you don't know them. Don't know any of them. We're all from the hotel now. We're sitting there. Klein's at the end of the table. They bring out this book, this Like, Book of Celebrities, right? And they're like, justin the Tim. And this guy is like, Italians in Italy are like the Mario Brothers. Like, you think it's not gonna be like that.

[B]

It's over the top Italian.

[C]

It is. It's like the best wine in all of Egypt.

[A]

I'm talking like that.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And I'm like, is this joke?

[A]

Is he with me? Danny Aero wants to study right here.

[C]

Right where you sit there. And I'm like, wow. He's like, so Justin Timberlake. I have my wine. And I'm like. And then he's like. And a Chris Somers from the San Jose Shark. So I'm like, the celebrity list really went down, went downhill fast. Backup quarterback, you know his name, Ryan Alif. So, like, I'm like. So now I'm like, picture. Now I'm getting to the gist that they like celebrity. So I call the daughter over. I'm like, hey, that guy over there is Chris Klein.

[A]

What is wrong with you, man?

[C]

She's like.

[B]

She.

[C]

She like, perks up, runs into the kitchen, grabs the book out, and they change all their focus to now Chris Klein's there. They're taking pictures with him. And he looks at me because I told him. And I was like, yeah, gotcha, Roche.

[B]

Yeah, gotcha.

[C]

Now they know you're a celebrity. American pie, baby. That's what you get for ruining my childhood.

[B]

Make me buck a pie, embarrass me in front of the whole show.

[A]

I knew there had to be dark angle, not somewhere.

[B]

All right, we gotta wrap it up, though.

[A]

I mean.

[B]

Yeah. What the.

[C]

Oh, well,

[A]

it. You're still trash.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

We will continue our examination of Mr. Rochefort very soon at a later date.

[A]

What do you got for the kids out there?

[B]

Plug away the problem.

[C]

Come see me. Please subscribe. Like, come see me live. Shamanics House.com, for all your antique wares. Antique rugs, antique candles, antique incense, papers. Things that millionaires have that I grind out of their hands. They say, oh, my God, these are my old things. And I say, just give it to me for a lower price. I sell wholesale to the public. Listen, I try to get you the things that millionaires have. And then come see me live on torshomonicshouse.com. scuff realtor. We got tours. I'm leaving right now. I'm going to Milwaukee, Detroit, Chicago, Birmingham, Alabama, Tampa, Atlanta. Fucking New Jersey comedy dojo, Philly, Baltimore. I don't. Just come see me. Go figure out. Please get tickets. Fun show.

[A]

Go see Nick Gang. He's the best. Yeah, Kippy, what do you got for him?

[B]

We're starting tour as well. All tickets on [e-mail]. i think we added a fifth show in Tampa. Austin. Four shows almost sold out. Get them tickets before they're gone.

[A]

Nick, we love you, buddy.

[B]

Yeah, man.

[C]

You're the best.

[A]

Gang, we love you. We'll see you next week.