No Knock Warrant w/ Paul Virzi

Summary

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Are You Garbage? – "No Knock Warrant" w/ Paul Virzi

Date: October 16, 2025
Hosts: Kevin Ryan & H. Foley
Guest: Paul Virzi

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Episode Overview

In this lively and laugh-packed episode, beloved recurring guest Paul Virzi returns to Are You Garbage? to catch up with H. Foley and Kevin Ryan, dig into life updates, and—of course—submit himself to the show's unique mix of trashy comedy interrogation and relatable stories. The three comedians trade tales about home mishaps, Halloween misadventures, childhood candy habits, and the etiquette of looking in medicine cabinets. Paul plugs his new podcast, shares some of his weirdest travel experiences, and the group debates what it means to be “garbage”—philosophically and practically.

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Main Themes & Purpose

• Testing Garbage-ness: As always, the episode revolves around determining whether Paul Virzi is “garbage”—with hilarious, often revealing personal stories, confessions, and hypotheticals.
• Relatable Home Life: The trio explores the subtle and not-so-subtle markers of classy vs. garbage living: kitchen appliances, home renovations, and Halloween candy etiquette.
• Travel Nightmares & Safety: Wild stories from hotels and the perils of knocking on strange doors late at night.
• Embracing the Season: Halloween traditions; decorating, candy, and how much is too much.
• Comedy Community: Paul celebrates the support from the “Garbage Army” and talks about his new projects.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Catching Up and Pre-Show Chaos

• The episode opens with the guys joking about their pre-show routine, running late, sharing stories of anxiety and the comforts (and mistakes) of Starbucks orders.
• Notable quote:
  • “You can’t ask for cream. You got to go black. You just can’t ask for cream. You ask for a drop of cream, you’re getting a vanilla milkshake every fucking time.” – Paul Virzi [04:23]

2. Paul’s New Podcast and the “Garbage Army”

• Paul details his new show, “Paul's Best Podcast,” which focuses on guests’ personal “bests” (e.g., best TV episode with Pete Davidson, best live sports event with Dan Soder).
• He shares gratitude for Are You Garbage fans:
  • “Your fans, the love they show me, they're the best. The other podcasts are dopey. That's why I show up early, sit on a couch, help you with your anxiety.” – Paul Virzi [06:44]

3. International Crime, Tans, and Candies

• The crew jokes about how police in other countries handle crime “more efficiently,” segueing into Foley’s Greece vacation and the differences in “Greek tan” vs. Jersey Shore tan.
• Halloween comes up: Paul’s kids are aging out of trick-or-treating, but he’s the “big candy guy” on the block.
  • “I would say each kid probably gets 8 to 10. I go like this. Gummies, chocolate, Twix, Snickers—the little ones. Boom, boom...” – Paul Virzi [12:24]
• A passionate discussion follows about favorite gummies, differences between German and American Haribo, and the right way to eat gummies.
  • “You leave them out, open, they’ll be a lot hard after a day... you get a little more chew to it.” – Paul Virzi [14:39]

4. Home Improvements and Contractor Nightmares

• The hosts and Paul swap stories of dealing with contractors—being sent to Lowe’s for grout and negotiating cash discounts.
  • “Here's what I want. I want the best materials and I want you to fucking get them.” – Paul Virzi [21:47]
• Paul describes the irritation of having workers linger in his house:
  • “I can't have him in the house this long. They're taking long. They're talking. I heard them talking...” [23:16]
• Everyone agrees: try to keep the minimal amount of appliances out, and be wary of “side job” contractors who disappear for months.

5. Big City Living: Apartment & Safety Etiquette

• Foley raises the classic urban scenario: walking by and seeing a neighbor’s keys left in their door late at night—should you knock? Paul is firm:
  • “Midnight, I’m not getting involved... I’m not a statistic in this.” [29:23]
• They discuss security vulnerabilities in apartments and hotels—how easily staff or locksmiths can enter ("Scary how quick they get in your house." – Kevin Ryan [32:30]).

6. Hotel & Travel HORROR Stories

• Foley tells a story about finding a sleepwalking kid at his hotel door; Paul one-ups with his own terrifying late-night hotel encounter with a deranged, shirtless man pounding on his door:
  • “If that dude got in the room, I don’t know what would’ve happened. Seriously.” – Paul Virzi [43:59]
• The guys recount similar horror-movie moments from their own lives—creepy strangers, ominous knocks, and close calls.

7. Garbage or Classy: Kitchen Appliances and Home Setups

• The group checks which kitchen gadgets Paul keeps out (block knives: yes; air fryer and blender: stored away).
  • “Air fryer is nuts. My air fryer is bigger than a sneaker box. I can’t have that out.” – Paul Virzi [51:43]
• Tidy homes, seasonal décor, and the etiquette of “display towels” are debated.
  • “As soon as it’s October 1, the house is Halloween. She runs a tight ship.” – Paul Virzi [54:50]

8. Peeking in Medicine Cabinets: Yes or No?

• Foley confesses to peeking in medicine cabinets and showers “for coziness,” which causes moral outrage:
  • “Dude, take a peek in a medicine cabinet? I feel like I’m robbing a joint.” – Paul Virzi [58:02]
  • “You always do a lot of this intimate stuff under the guise of coziness. You’re a grown man who uses cozy too much.” – Kevin Ryan [59:03]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Philly pride & tour:
  • "Metropolitan Theater. Come see us. Get the homies, get the bozos, get your mom, get aunt Tooty..." – Kevin Ryan [00:13]
• On surviving home renovations:
  • “There was a different guy going in a different truck and a different guy walking in my house for two weeks.” – Paul Virzi [28:10]
• On trusting neighbors in New York:
  • “There better be a detective in there because it ain’t gonna be me.” – Paul Virzi [29:53]
• On home décor chaos:
  • “I woke up and I'm in a Halloween world.” – Paul Virzi [55:19]
• Summing it up:
  • “We got two towels hanging off the oven—the nice ones.” – Paul Virzi [54:36]
  • "If they're the ones that got stitching and embroidery, you don't touch." – Paul Virzi [56:54]
• On medicine cabinet morality:
  • “That is a level of respect you should be like…” – Kevin Ryan [58:09]

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Key Timestamps for Important Segments

• Opening shout-outs, guest intro: [00:22]–[02:19]
• Starbucks/coffee order complaints: [04:12]–[05:46]
• Garbage Army and Paul's podcast: [06:44]–[08:05]
• Halloween candy policies: [12:00]–[14:15]
• Debating home renovations & contractors: [19:48]–[23:47]
• Apartment keys/neighbor etiquette: [28:36]–[30:39]
• Strange hotel encounters: [39:21]–[43:59]
• Kitchen appliances/classy vs. garbage: [50:36]–[52:09]
• Medicine cabinet debate: [57:23]–[59:14]

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Tone and Style

• Conversational, raw, and full of Philly/New York bravado.
• Mix of playful insults, personal confessions, and big laughs.
• The trio bounces effortlessly between practical advice and absurdity, always with a sentimental undertone about family and home.

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Conclusion

Paul Virzi’s guest spot on Are You Garbage? delivers exactly what you’d hope: hysterical, relatable stories about life, family, and adulthood’s trashy rituals—plus a healthy dose of paranoia about who’s at your door after midnight. The chemistry between Paul, H. Foley, and Kevin Ryan is unmatched, each drawing out new levels of honesty (and shame) from the others. Whether you're listening for the comedy, the homeownership tips, or the low-key philosophy about what makes someone “garbage,” this episode’s a must-listen for fans and newcomers alike.

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End of Summary

Transcript

[Paul Verdier]

Hear ye, hear ye.

[Sage Foley]

Philadelphia area and the tri state surroundings. The boys are coming Back to Philadelphia December 13th for the biggest show we've ever done. We want to sell this puppy out at the Metropolitan Theater. Come see us.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. All tickets [e-mail]. get the homies, get the bozos, get your mom, get aunt Tooty, get cousin Donna, get everybody. And we'll see you there. Yeah.

[Sage Foley]

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are you garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is are you garbage?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Take two.

[Sage Foley]

It's that little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that it's a good to be classy. Yeah, just a big old piece of trash.

[Paul Verdier]

Trash, trash, trash.

[Sage Foley]

I'm your host, Sage Foley. Coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in a new edition. I caught her sleepwalking last night.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Okay, same one. You stink Crip walking. Oh, shit, I did that twice.

[Sage Foley]

Mike Coass is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of Are you garbage? He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world. Give it up for kj, Kevin, James Ryan, everybody.

[Kevin James Ryan]

What up, gang? Shout out to you as always, please make sure you rate view subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Also full video available over there on Spotify. The boys are climbing the charts, baby. Not the top of the charts. Medium, middle part of the charts. Right where you want to be.

[Sage Foley]

Yes, sir.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Not causing any ruckus. You know, we're there, we're putting up numbers.

[Sage Foley]

Happy to be there.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Then the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com. sorry, garbage. Go over there, you get all that fucking bonus content. Gang and the boys are on the road. Get tickets to the Philadelphia show with the Met.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah. December 13th. Come out and see the boys. Tri state area. Come show some love. Delaware Valley contract and Curve will be all backed up, so get tickets early. Gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest back with us again today. Family.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Nice family.

[Sage Foley]

Family at this point, gang. You know him, you love him. He's got a brand new podcast that's absolutely amazing. Paul's best podcast. First two episodes are out now with Mr. Pete Davidson and Mr. Dan Soder. Give it up for one the only you choose, Paul Verdier. There he is.

[Paul Verdier]

Thank you for having me, man.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Thank you.

[Paul Verdier]

Thank you for. I know you guys are doing good because I see the faces embroidered on the.

[Sage Foley]

What do you mean the headphones aren't working?

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah, that's true. That's true.

[Sage Foley]

Speaking. I was going to say, we jammed up Luke's morning so bad. New guy Luke likes. The new guy Luke likes to come in sometimes early. No one's here.

[Kevin James Ryan]

All right?

[Sage Foley]

He gets it. He gets his own little bagel. He comes in, he sits down at the table. He walks in. I'm sitting here. And I could tell he was not happy that I was here. I go in to make a call. I come out, Versie sitting on the couch like he's at a dentist office.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Dude, I say, he said, 11.

[Paul Verdier]

Dude. I showed up like. And I'm like, I got two minutes to 11. I don't like being late. I go in and the lights are dim. And he's there, and he just goes, hey. And he looked. He looked at me as if he wanted to say, what the fuck are you doing here?

[Kevin James Ryan]

This fucking guy.

[Paul Verdier]

And then he goes. He goes, oh, I thought we're on for one. And I just look at my phone. I go, ah, fuck, that's me. That's on me.

[Sage Foley]

Paul comes around like he's collecting money. Oh, you thought I was laying, huh?

[Paul Verdier]

That's why you had it ready.

[Sage Foley]

Takes the bagel from him, walks out.

[Paul Verdier]

You see this guy?

[Kevin James Ryan]

He don't want you to have the money. Well, then I got a text. Versy's here. And my brain with the baby, I've been so mush. I'm like, oh, I fucked up.

[Sage Foley]

This guy's screwball.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm like, I up for sure.

[Paul Verdier]

No, no, it was me. It was me.

[Kevin James Ryan]

But it all worked out.

[Sage Foley]

He came in one day, started changing me. I was like, what the hell's going on?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Me and you have heart to heart about depression. I mean, I know we had a nice little talk. I walk in, yeah, those two are on a couch laying with their feet up. I say, God damn.

[Paul Verdier]

I'm like, I know all about sweating with anxiety.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm like, guys, you're doing a comedy podcast in five minutes. How about you check the in?

[Paul Verdier]

These are rough.

[Sage Foley]

Who's sharing pill bottles?

[Kevin James Ryan]

How's that make you feel, huh? I know.

[Sage Foley]

I'm laying it out.

[Paul Verdier]

You know, Foley, you're a person too. People need to know that. Feelings.

[Sage Foley]

You're crying.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm.

[Sage Foley]

I know, I know.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Oh, that's Kevin's.

[Paul Verdier]

Like, dude, Starbucks is here.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm sitting There I'm scarfing down egg bites. I got out six blocks and ran here, by the way.

[Sage Foley]

I knew they were gonna do it. We got Starbucks, dude, he should. They showed up with a. He's like, that's a vanilla milkshake.

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah, I asked for. They never. You can't ask for. This is what I've learned. You can't ask for cream. You got to go black. You just. You just can't ask for cream.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I know, I know.

[Paul Verdier]

You asked for a drop of cream. You're getting a vanilla milkshake every fucking time. That's why I say this is a.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Guy who's been bothered by this hundreds and hundreds of times.

[Paul Verdier]

Oh, dude, they got one job. They. They never get it right.

[Sage Foley]

Now what do you do in that situation? Will you. Will you say, hey, do me a favor? Can you. Can you top this off with a little coffee?

[Paul Verdier]

Or I either. If it's a drive thru, I just take it. If I'm with my kids and their friends, I just take the pain. You just take it. You're fucking lucky sometimes. I'll go, hey, black. Can give me a cup on the side? That's the way.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's where you kind of have to start taking it out of their hands a little bit.

[Paul Verdier]

You got to take it out of their hands and put it into your own. Because now, now I'm responsible for the drop.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Now if I fucked up, that's on me.

[Paul Verdier]

If I make a vanilla milkshake, it's on me. I could live. I could go to the rest of the day.

[Sage Foley]

I'm walking and I fucked up. Can get back there. I got the blender going, dude.

[Paul Verdier]

If I'm in a mood, if I'm in a mood, I'll go, can you. It's too late. You got to darken this up. I've said that and they don't like it, but you got to darken his puppy up. Somebody here.

[Kevin James Ryan]

There's a. I hate. I go to one in the burbs. I hate.

[Paul Verdier]

It's so slow.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm a city guy and like, you know, you stick and move and they switch the machine. I get to just. I just get a large drip coffee. They switch the machines where now the machine, they don't pour it anymore, right? They press a button, then it grinds it and it does it. And they leave it sitting there all the time.

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And then I'm sitting there, dude, and my anxiety is cooking.

[Sage Foley]

You do guys, do you do that? Do you do. The app didn't pick it up. I can't do that.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I do, I do that now. Yeah, yeah. But sometimes I'll pop in and they just leave it sitting there. Then it's chaos.

[Sage Foley]

I just figured there's boogers in those.

[Paul Verdier]

My wife is like the whole tech not doing all that. Me, I like to, I like to go.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You like to hand to hand. Get in there, get in there. Start yelling at some people.

[Sage Foley]

I like a handshake, look a guy in the eye.

[Paul Verdier]

I like to watch him make it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I agree.

[Paul Verdier]

I like to watch him make it. You know what I mean?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Dude, the one time I took someone else's coffee and I didn't realize, I thought, dude, I, I, I drank it just because I was, I was only getting on the. I was getting on the road.

[Sage Foley]

I'm like, the is Melissa.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It was Brenda and I was Brenda for the day. A little foo foo drink was.

[Paul Verdier]

All right.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I listen, I have a few things. Obviously, Mr. Versi's here comes a bit of an expertise in how to, you know, operate.

[Paul Verdier]

I said it once and I'm gonna say. Listen to me. I said it once and I'm gonna fucking say it again. Okay?

[Sage Foley]

What?

[Paul Verdier]

You guys, your fans, the love that they show me, they're the best. The other podcasts are dopey.

[Sage Foley]

They're all bums.

[Paul Verdier]

And that's why, why do you think I was here fresh and early. If I was out in la, I would be dragging ass. I'd be going in there half over. You think I give a? But you guys, I show up early, I sit on a couch, I help you with your anxiety.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Anything else I can do, mister?

[Sage Foley]

Come in, Paul. Help me with my homework. Dude, you.

[Paul Verdier]

When my special Reasonable man, which is still streaming right now on YouTube, the, the amount of people, the Garbage army.

[Kevin James Ryan]

They love you guys.

[Paul Verdier]

I mean, you guys are, you're. It's the best.

[Sage Foley]

It's you. Congrats on a new pod. Paul's best podcast.

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah, man. I wanted to do something different. Like, it was just one of those things where I love doing the Versi effect. You know, I got to talk shit and rant, but I wanted to do like something specific, like, like a niche. And I was like best familiar with it. Best of. And it was like the best of what that guest knows. So Pete Davidson was last week first guest. We did the best TV episodes of all time in his for him. So he talked about Everyone Loves Raymond Sopranos this week, Soder's my guest. We talk about the best live sporting events we've ever been to As a kid up until now and I have all these amazing guests. I had super bowl champion Willie Colon from the Steelers on. So it's going to be different types of people. It's with big money players, Will Ferrell's company and iHeartRadio. We're starting from the ground up.

[Sage Foley]

Love it.

[Paul Verdier]

So. So yeah, it's brand new and it's going well. And dude gotta get the boys sitting on the couch doing best up.

[Sage Foley]

We're there.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Top 10 reasons Foley's depressed.

[Sage Foley]

You're looking through the cue carbs like.

[Paul Verdier]

This is best anxiety episode you ever had.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You know when you drink too much coffee and they put too much milk in it and you're freaking the fuck out.

[Sage Foley]

Best panic attack.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Go.

[Paul Verdier]

You ever cry with a gun in. That's a good one, man.

[Sage Foley]

When a guy's crying with a gun.

[Paul Verdier]

Dude. A guy's crying with a gun. A guy's crying with a gun in his hands. Just you fuck a lot. Something's happening.

[Sage Foley]

You know what I always love. I'm sure they do it up here in America, but down there you act.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Like you're from somewhere. I'm sure. I don't know if you guys do it up here, what the fuck.

[Sage Foley]

I'm sure they do it up here, but you see the videos all the time. Are those South American standoffs?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Are they fucking.

[Sage Foley]

When a guy's got a fucking half a broomstick to a lady's neck, man, those South American snipers, they don't around don't have a guy walk up with a churro gun in it, pop the guy.

[Paul Verdier]

I love watching that. I love watching the guy.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Get a lot like Thailand too.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah.

[Paul Verdier]

They get taken and they don't like. It's not like here where we're a little more careful. They'll shoot. Unless if the innocent bystander they're shoot.

[Sage Foley]

Same thing with jumpers over here. It's like somebody's on the bridge. They go up there, hey, it's going to be all right. What do you know? They fucking. They. They swing in like fucking Indiana Jones and boot kicker into the living room.

[Kevin James Ryan]

She shouldn't have been standing there.

[Paul Verdier]

Other. You ever notice that the other countries are way more like they're just better with the crime. Like they're just. We like have a social worker with the guy.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Sure.

[Paul Verdier]

You know, we like figure out why.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Why did. Why did you do this?

[Paul Verdier]

You don't. Yeah. Like there's always a person going, you.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Don'T need to do.

[Paul Verdier]

Your family loves you.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Like no, they don't that's why you're here.

[Paul Verdier]

A bullet just flies through the guy's chest. And a lady just goes about her day.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You got to get back to work.

[Paul Verdier]

She gets her sandwich, stanks him, gets.

[Sage Foley]

On the bus, keeps going.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's back to the iPhone factory. I need my iPad.

[Sage Foley]

How have you been?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I've been good, you know?

[Sage Foley]

Yeah. Why do you have color?

[Kevin James Ryan]

You look at you.

[Sage Foley]

Were you just somewhere?

[Paul Verdier]

You know what I. I got. We went to Greece, right? At the end of the summer, we went to Greece and it was so dark.

[Sage Foley]

Okay.

[Paul Verdier]

Because it's a different tan. The Greek tan is different. It's a different tan. And it's not Wildwood tan.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's the fuck you got.

[Paul Verdier]

Lbi.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm a wild lbi.

[Paul Verdier]

No, the east coast tan is just like. It gets red, then you get brown, then it fades. Then it fades.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah, dude.

[Paul Verdier]

Greece and the water, like, Italy and Greece, we were there for the. And it just. I got to go. Like, when I came home, people like, oh, you got that Greek tan. And then I was still getting tan working.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I was still getting.

[Paul Verdier]

So. So the tan. Good base. Got a nice base.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Good, deep, deep Greek base.

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah. So now it's starting to fade. So I got to figure something out because I'm starting to panic.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I should all be tanning a little bit. A little bit of tan.

[Sage Foley]

They got it. They got to redo those, though. 1. I don't fit in the beds no more. But you can't. The bulbs are right. They got to figure something out.

[Paul Verdier]

They got to make a bigger bed for bigger guys.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[Paul Verdier]

They even have one. Sure.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You gotta. Yeah, you gotta have the one appointment with it.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Why you gotta spray tan?

[Sage Foley]

No, I can't. Would you. Would you ever.

[Paul Verdier]

No.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah. No.

[Paul Verdier]

Spray tan and jump in the pool.

[Sage Foley]

It all comes off. I think I shit in the pool.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Which you may or may not have done.

[Paul Verdier]

Dog licks, you dies, I kill my fucking dog tubers.

[Sage Foley]

Just. Yeah, no, thank you. Now. I couldn't. Just tried to get all my clothes and shit, you know?

[Paul Verdier]

Real cool guy. No, but I've been, you know, I've been good. You know, you go. This is what it is, right? Kids, family. You go up and down.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's a guy who was just down. You go up, you go down, you bounce back.

[Sage Foley]

No, kid, that was like two minutes ago. You came back and went, yeah, you know, things ain't been great. What's the Halloween situation?

[Kevin James Ryan]

What kind of candy.

[Paul Verdier]

This is what sucks, dude. My kids are like, out, man.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, it's not cool anymore.

[Paul Verdier]

So now I'm like the guy that opens the door. Hey, for the kids.

[Sage Foley]

What are you, Old man Versi's house?

[Paul Verdier]

But I will tell you this, and this I promise you, and this is not to be funny on your show. You could ask my wife. And you know me. You guys know me.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You know me personally.

[Paul Verdier]

Outside of show business, I don't give the one or two. Each kid gets a. A big fist.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, no.

[Paul Verdier]

I would say each kid probably gets 8 to 10. I go like this. I go. I go. Gummies. I go. The gummies, the chocolate, the Twix, the Snickers. The little ones.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah.

[Paul Verdier]

Boom, boom. And then the other ones in the back. See that? And I'm like, don't worry, it's coming. It's coming to you, too. I got you. Don't worry about it.

[Sage Foley]

You got so much candy, you got to start putting the caloric value on your house.

[Paul Verdier]

I'm in the country, right? You guys been to my house? So we don't get a lot and it's dark. So we'll get like. I only get, like. I only get like 20 knocks a night. So I make them count.

[Sage Foley]

Okay?

[Paul Verdier]

I make them count.

[Sage Foley]

What happens the rest of the candy?

[Paul Verdier]

You know me. The kids have a field day. Stacy takes the chocolates that she wants, hides them.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Paul Verdier]

And then I. I'm a gummy. I'm a gummy guy.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah.

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah. I'm like. I'm a gummy bear. A gummy Saver.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You got to go to Gummy Gummy Bear brand.

[Paul Verdier]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Harbos. You know, Haribos. You know, when I was a kid, I first had Harbo in the movies, and that was it for me.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm right there with you, dog. You know, I had a. I had. I bought gummy worms. I bought them for my wife, but I ended up eating them. And they were like, short gummy.

[Sage Foley]

They were short little bangers.

[Kevin James Ryan]

They were short and fat.

[Sage Foley]

Were they hard?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Honestly, it didn't feel right putting in my mouth. They were too thick. They were too thick and too short. It was.

[Paul Verdier]

It made me feel like a pig in a blanket.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It just was, like, too. Were they hardy erotic? They were. Yeah. Huh?

[Sage Foley]

I know. You're talking like creepy squigglies.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah.

[Paul Verdier]

I tell you what. You know the horrible cherries? Yeah, they're gummy. Cherries are tough to lay off. I can't lay off.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah.

[Paul Verdier]

It's like a slice of pizza.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Lay off. I Can't lay off.

[Sage Foley]

I like those in the fizzy colas. I do. Oh, the cola ones, you know, it's not bad, too. You get that grab bag they got. It's called Star Mix. It's got everything in there.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Also the tank tastics. My girl just brought them home.

[Sage Foley]

Really?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Got the cherries and the colas on deck.

[Sage Foley]

Okay.

[Paul Verdier]

Oh, shit.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Because they're. The Haribo are different in Germany than the U.S. they're two different formulas.

[Sage Foley]

What? Why?

[Kevin James Ryan]

They're harder in Germany.

[Sage Foley]

Why?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't know. Why? Because.

[Sage Foley]

Bring some back.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I do.

[Sage Foley]

I do, Paul. Have you seen them?

[Kevin James Ryan]

No one ever greased me with these German gully bears.

[Paul Verdier]

Oh, wait. They're like. They're actually harder.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. Yeah. They're a little. They're a little. A little bit more chewy.

[Paul Verdier]

That's what I like.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Paul Verdier]

I like to work for it a little more.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah. See, I was telling. I was telling Stavi this the other day. I did put them in the freezer.

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's crazy.

[Paul Verdier]

That's no free. I I if you leave them open, too. If you leave them out and open, they'll be a lot hard if. Just a day burning them. Just a day. Yeah, you get a little more chew to it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Just a day.

[Sage Foley]

This is a deep cut. You might be the only one that knows this.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Paul.

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah.

[Sage Foley]

Do you remember Core Brothers Cough drops? They were like that.

[Paul Verdier]

Yes.

[Sage Foley]

They were like stale gummy bears.

[Paul Verdier]

I remember them.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah, they were all right.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I got nothing on.

[Paul Verdier]

I remember them.

[Sage Foley]

Oh, I used to pack that in like it was a pack of Redmond.

[Paul Verdier]

Go, dude. I used to, you know, like, the gummy vitamins. I eat them like candy.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Paul Verdier]

They're like vitamin D. And I just keep throwing them down. Yeah, dude. I was like, stacey, you got it. We can't start having candy. Be medicine.

[Sage Foley]

Or the vitamin or the vitamin C. When we were a kid, the little.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Vitamin C pellets, they were just like, aren't. Yeah.

[Paul Verdier]

You know, I never got Flintstones Disgusting. The Flintstones were disgusting.

[Sage Foley]

Did you get them?

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah. You would chew them and you thought it was good. They were terrible.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, they had a little bit of a bite to them.

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah, they did. They did.

[Sage Foley]

That was always a thing. In high school, if you were dropping acid or taking shrooms, if you were starting to come down, you would take a couple of those and it would, like, boost you back up. Never worked. No, that's just called a guy.

[Paul Verdier]

Guy's going from acid to a flint, don't they?

[Kevin James Ryan]

You got anything over the Counter. I'm tripping balls trying to keep this balloon in the air.

[Paul Verdier]

Dude, I'm seeing leprechauns that aren't there. You guys got something over there?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Got any ludens Lightning there, take the edge off.

[Sage Foley]

Trying to keep the balloon nut. Ken, let's talk about Quint.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Shout out to Quint's gang.

[Sage Foley]

You know the weather's changing. I don't know what you. You got to re up, right?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I already did, dawg.

[Sage Foley]

Nice.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You go to quints? Yes. I got four new pairs of pants from Quince now that I'm skinny Kippy. I had to get new clothes.

[Sage Foley]

There you go.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I got them on right now. Listen how you done?

[Sage Foley]

Whether you put on a little weight, whether you lost a little. We yourself a favor. Get over to Quint's, get some stuff for the fall. Get some nice comfy stuff, some good stuff.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, Quint's has the kind of fall staples you're actually going to want to wear on repeat. And that's what I like to do. I like to find something I like, set it and forget it. I bought a pair of pants from them. I like them. I ordered three more.

[Sage Foley]

Especially in the fall.

[Kevin James Ryan]

They got 100% Mongolian Cagemere starting at just $60. They got classic fit denim, which I currently have on. Lightweight too, in a good way. It's not heavy bulky. Sometimes you like heavy bulky, sometimes you like lightweight. This is lightweight in a good way. They have real leather and wool outerwear that looks sharp and it holds up. They got a nice suede trucker jacket that's, that's making some, some making some waves out there. Everybody's trying to get their hands on it. And by partnering, they. They partner directly with ethical factories and top artisans. They cut out the middleman to deliver premium quality at half the cost of similar brands. Like I said, I'm. I got, I got at least four or five pieces from them. They're fan friggin tastic. Layer up this fall with pieces that feel as good as. Go to quints.com garbage for free shipping on your order plus 365 day return. That's outrageous. Now available in Canada as well. That's Q-U-I-N C E.com garbage free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com garbage do it, kid.

[Sage Foley]

Let's talk about Shopify, baby.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Shout out to Shopify. Gang.

[Sage Foley]

Do you know anybody that uses Shopify?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I think if, I think, oh, we use Shopify.

[Sage Foley]

Yes, we do, gang. If you're on your hustle, out there. Do you sell a favor, get on Shopify. They're the best. They are the absolute best. They sync everything up. Everything's ready to go. It's right there. Listen, if you're starting your online business, use Shopify. If you got a brick and mortar store, use Shopify. If you're making a move in this world, use Shopify.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Buddy, I got the app on my phone right here. How you doing? Shopify. I don't want to. I don't want you seeing my numpies. Guys, Shopify, it takes all. I mean, we used to run the business pre Shopify. All the merch was done pre Shopify. I didn't know nothing about Shopify. Someone schooled me to Shopify, changed the game.

[Sage Foley]

He was like an old man in a general store.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. Big register, big atom machine. Paper flying everywhere.

[Sage Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Receipts, no way to track it. Now you can guarantee shopping is always convenient. Endless aisle, ship to the customer, buy online, pick up in store. They combine all of that. They got brick and mortar. They combine. Click and mortar. That's the new term. A little bit of everything. And let's face it, acquiring new customers is expensive. With Shopify pos you can get shoppers coming back with personalized experience, first party. That gives your marketing teams a competitive edge. You get the information, you get the email, you get this. Bobby, where they at? Where they from? Hit them up. Hit me up. In fact, it's proven, based on a report from EY businesses on Shopify. POSC. Real results, like 22% better, total cost of ownership and benefits equivalent to 8.9% uplift. Guys, listen, I'm no international businessman, but that makes sense. Get all the big stuff. Who you've been talking to. Get all the big stuff for your small business. Right with Shopify. Sign up for $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com garbage go to shopify.com garbage one more time. Shopify.com garbage let them know the boy sent you. You're, you know, you're a. You're a man of knowledge and how to handle certain situations. We talked about this on the patreon. I. I was. I was getting my apartment painted, and the guy offered me a price.

[Paul Verdier]

Okay.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And I offer. I came back with a cash price.

[Paul Verdier]

Nice.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Have you. Are you a cash guy?

[Paul Verdier]

Yes.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So let's say, what was the offer? I think. I think the bill was like, oh, I got it.

[Sage Foley]

I got it. I got it. I got it right here.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I think it was. Oh, no, it might have been 1800 18. But six of that was for the paint.

[Sage Foley]

Six of that was for the paint.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You can't get a discount on the paint. He's got to buy the paint. That's.

[Sage Foley]

That's what it is.

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah, yeah.

[Sage Foley]

So the label can get a discount.

[Paul Verdier]

I don't like that when they go, but the materials, it's like, you know what I mean?

[Sage Foley]

Then why the are you going to Home Depot paying retail? You don't got a paint guy.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I got a guy.

[Paul Verdier]

They're always like, oh, it's this price, plus I got to get the material. It's like, wrap it all up. You go to Lowe's at Home Depot.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't need to know that.

[Paul Verdier]

I got one for you. I had to go to Lowe's.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You're buying a material I had. That's a dirt bag.

[Paul Verdier]

I had a guy doing tile and I had to go to Lowe's to get the grout for him for an extra bag. They ran out and why don't.

[Kevin James Ryan]

They don't have anybody.

[Paul Verdier]

Well, it's part of. It's my wife's fault because.

[Sage Foley]

Wait, they sent you?

[Paul Verdier]

She goes, do you mind? My wife goes, they.

[Kevin James Ryan]

They always get involved and make you do it.

[Paul Verdier]

My wife saw that we. That they needed an extra bag of grout. And me, I'm a comic. I'm not doing anything at noon.

[Kevin James Ryan]

She goes, wide open.

[Paul Verdier]

She goes, you got. Want to go run the lows? And I go, no, like I'm.

[Sage Foley]

I got gummy bears in the freezer.

[Kevin James Ryan]

They've been hanging out at day olds. I'm about to have them.

[Paul Verdier]

They're gonna be chewier. They got harder. I'm not going, no. So. So she goes, why don't you go? Why don't you go run to Lowe's. And Such a white hater. And now, now they're all. Now they look at me now, everybody, now, you gotta go to Lowe's. Now I gotta.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Now you're the answer.

[Sage Foley]

You say something.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, I ain't going to load.

[Sage Foley]

If you say something, she gets. They get really mad.

[Paul Verdier]

Well, I did say to her in private, I go, they need to fucking go.

[Sage Foley]

We're paying.

[Paul Verdier]

I'm paying them. We're paying them.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And they fucked up the order, not me.

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah, I don't want to hear materials. I don't want to hear what you need. I don't want to hear about your truck storage. I need another truck. Get the big truck. Get the truck that has everything you need in it, that has the size that you need for all Your equipment, get the materials. You do it and I'm going to pay you. That's how it works. There's no, oh, we need this, we need that. Material wise, I could tack on another depending on the materials you want. Here's what I want. I want the best materials and I want you to fucking get them.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Last time I checked, I don't work for ABC Contracting.

[Paul Verdier]

Oh, I could get you the middle of the roads. They hit you with the middle. They always hit you with the middle.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And that's where they're making their money because that's where they're jack.

[Sage Foley]

That's like balsam wood.

[Paul Verdier]

And then they whisper. Nobody knows the difference. It's like, I know, I know, I know the difference. Listen, it's another, what, 1500 for the top of the road or whatever the. Get me the top.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You're speaking my language. Yeah, my bathroom flooded. We had to redo it. And the guy came. He's lowballing me. Like, this is builder quality. I said, give me the real shit.

[Paul Verdier]

Well, I'm glad you brought this up.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Because we can put linoleum in like it's fucking 92, buddy.

[Sage Foley]

Carpet on the ceiling, wallpaper up.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm talking walk in shower here.

[Sage Foley]

Wallpaper's kind of coming back though, isn't it?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Kind of wallpaper, yeah.

[Paul Verdier]

My wife is like, look at this. And now they do it on one wall. Yeah, they're doing all. They're trying to get cute. They do two walls.

[Sage Foley]

One, you know, as two homeowners. Have you ever done that? Have you ever done wallpaper? I can't wrap my head around what makes that stick.

[Paul Verdier]

No, I had.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. Huffing it all. Coming down from a fucking.

[Paul Verdier]

But this is true. I'm really. I can't even believe you brought this up because we just had last week, it ended. Both of our bathrooms retiled and our kitchen and our kitchen floor retiled. And they were taking long, right? And I was going through. So I was having a week. Okay. I was having a week.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Told you about the milkshake.

[Paul Verdier]

I was having a week. I was dealing with stuff. I was running around. I was, you know, stuff. Personal stuff. And I just go, I can't have him in the house this long. They're taking long. They're talking. I heard him talking.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, listen, it is.

[Paul Verdier]

I heard him talking.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Listen, Unless you're in like a fucking 20 bedroom mansion where you can like seal off the west wing, they're in your house, there's four guys in your house and you're like, and they're go, where's the basement? They always need something and I get it, but it's like, you can't. You're not chilling.

[Paul Verdier]

No. And one of them was a rebels was in the family, so don't cut this clip. And I just go, hey, dude, I go, I'll just throw you an extra 500 cash if you just. You gotta wrap it up quicker. I just said, if you could do it in two days quicker, I'll give you 500. And he brought a guy and they did it. But it's like, I gotta get you out because they taught. You know what I mean? Make no mistake, when you get something done in your home, they could always do it quicker than when they did it. They could always. Of course, you know, if they're like, hey, we'll be out of here by Friday. I'm like, you could leave whatever, you know, you could leave Wednesday. But they, they, you know, they go, I gotta go. Here, oh, here's a receipt.

[Kevin James Ryan]

They also go to another job. Totally. I gotta do a half a day. I'm gonna come at noon. And then I feel like a fat piece of shit because I'm laying on a couch and these motherfuckers upstairs working.

[Paul Verdier]

At least I had one guy. Be honest. We had, we had two guys. We had three guys. We had two doing the floors. Then we had an odd job guy. My wife hired this guy, great guy. And he was just like, he's doing little things, painting here, doing this. And he was just like, look man, I'm gonna come back tomorrow. I'm going to my kids game. That I respected. Yeah, because there was no, oh, listen, you know, this happened with the tr. He just goes, hey, dude, I'm going to see my kids game, but I'll be back tomorrow. That I respect. I don't respect when you're sitting there talking. And I know it could have been.

[Sage Foley]

Usually that's a kiss of death. My, my mom does that kind of shit. She, she tends to operate on the cheap a little bit. She's like a side work kind of guy, you know what I mean? She gets them in their off days. And you got the guy showing up Monday through Wednesday. Then he disappears for like eight months and then shows back up.

[Kevin James Ryan]

They don't answer. I was just thinking about your job. Oh, were you? Well, where the fuck you been? Oh yeah, I'm sitting here with a half a toilet. I think you shit, what are we doing here?

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah, and they like leave things. So you think they're working this Guy left two cans of paint and something on the floor like he's working.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, I'm coming back for that. I'm like, listen, my family owns a construction car. You don't think I fucking did this when I was fucking. You know what I mean?

[Paul Verdier]

Hey, buddy, you left your hammer.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. Leave your tool belt. Looks like you just ran out for coffee real quick.

[Sage Foley]

After college or in between college or whatever. I. When I flunked out of college this summer, I was working for. For this contractor that was re. That redid kitchens.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That honesty's kicking in, huh?

[Sage Foley]

He was a big Corian guy, remember?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Coran Cor is really coming through with the honesty. Paul, Paul, Paul made some breakthroughs today.

[Paul Verdier]

Oh, yeah?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't.

[Sage Foley]

I never knew $20 from you three months ago. You remember Cory and. Right? Paul.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Cory. I don't know. It's like that tile. Type of tile.

[Paul Verdier]

No, I don't know.

[Sage Foley]

It's like Dupont made it. It's like plastic, ceramic. I don't know what the fuck it was, but it was big at the time. And this guy had. That was like his big thing. So I swear to God, we go to this house and the first thing we do is we tear the entire kitchen out. So we do that during the day. It's like me, him, two other guys, cat cabinets, all that stuff, and leave, like, the, you know, the bones or whatever, the structure, put the plastic up, all that stuff. I guess this lady had set this up with. With the boss. The husband was away. I guess the guy came home that night, like, in the middle of the night. He got a late flight, went right to bed, didn't go into the kitchen. This guy comes down in the morning, he's like, what the fuck is this.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Shit is all ripped up.

[Sage Foley]

The whole thing was ripped up. The wife didn't tell him that she was getting the kitchen redone.

[Paul Verdier]

I freaked the fuck out, dude.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah, he came down looking for a cup of coffee.

[Paul Verdier]

Dude, that's like one step up of finding a body.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah.

[Paul Verdier]

Can't you just demolish?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'd rather see a body that's fucking. You're going, what the fuck?

[Paul Verdier]

Kind of psycho, you know, Make a bowl of cereal. Kitchen's demolished.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You got no counter.

[Sage Foley]

Sleepy.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I swear, you throw your keys, they.

[Sage Foley]

Hit the refrigerator, came down in, like, old school pajamas. Like, who the fuck are you guys?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Dude, it's. I was down there. The one we had. They were trying to. It's the hot water. I forgot. I forgot what it was, but the water wasn't turning on. They. The guys couldn't figure out how to turn the water off. Oh, no. I had to get a new fridge, and they had to turn the water line for the. For the ice maker off to switch out the fridges. I couldn't figure it out. The guys from Lowe's that were dropping the thing off, they couldn't figure it out. I had the guys doing a bathroom they couldn't figure out. There's like seven of us downstairs all staring at the pipes like, ah, buddy, I got. I got nothing. I got to tap out of here.

[Paul Verdier]

No, dude, they forgot to. One of the guys forgot to turn the water thing off, and my wife turned it on, and it just rushed under our sink because. Yeah, dude, it's. It's a night, dude.

[Kevin James Ryan]

There was.

[Paul Verdier]

There was guys in and out of my people, like, dude versus wife. What's going on? Dude, there was a different guy going in a different truck and a different guy walking in my house for two weeks.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, it's a lot.

[Paul Verdier]

They were going, dude, I guess things aren't good in first. His marriage.

[Sage Foley]

Maybe they opened it up.

[Paul Verdier]

Different guys, different sizes. One guy's six. Six. Another guy's a tiny little Mexican. Yeah, it's like, dude, jeez, you should.

[Sage Foley]

Have got a type. On this tip. Before we get to the questions, I wanted to ask Paul's opinion on this. I had an issue a week or two ago where if you were living in an apartment building, you didn't really know anybody, you know, you kind of kept it yourself or whatever.

[Paul Verdier]

Yep.

[Sage Foley]

If you walked by late at night, somebody's door and saw their keys were hanging out. What's your move there? Do you knock?

[Kevin James Ryan]

How long.

[Paul Verdier]

How long am I there?

[Sage Foley]

You're there three years. But you never really met these people.

[Paul Verdier]

Three years.

[Kevin James Ryan]

A bit of a weight problem.

[Paul Verdier]

If. Oh, man. If I knew. If I knew the person even in passing.

[Sage Foley]

You know them in passing.

[Paul Verdier]

If I know them in passing or elevator. And I see that, yeah, I think I would.

[Sage Foley]

You'll knock.

[Paul Verdier]

I think I would. After, like, if I. Maybe not the first time. Let's say I pass it. I'm like, oh, that's weird. But then, like, let's say later on I go.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You come back from, like, two hours.

[Paul Verdier]

Later, I come back from dinner, and I see it. If I know the person, they're like, a nice person that I've had, like, nice, small.

[Sage Foley]

This is midnight. The first time you walk by and see it's the middle of the night.

[Paul Verdier]

Oh, no, no, I'm not getting involved.

[Kevin James Ryan]

In that guy clearly, that guy got got, and I don't want to be the next day, somebody's after that guy.

[Paul Verdier]

Listen, we're talking two in the afternoon. I'll do a good deed. Midnight. I'm not being part of this. I'm not a statistic in this. No, midnight's nuts. God forbid you knock and the door opens a little bit. Leaning in after 9pm all bets are off.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You're on your own.

[Paul Verdier]

Midnight in New York City.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Keys.

[Paul Verdier]

No, no. There better be a detective in there, because it ain't gonna be me.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You better hope Homicide's already there. Briscoe shows up.

[Paul Verdier]

Dude, at midnight. Knocking on somebody's door at midnight with the keys, that's like. Because now you could be part of it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, now.

[Paul Verdier]

Now a witness goes, oh, I saw so and so. Knock on it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, I know, but I get crazier. I go, the key to the front door's in there. So what if the one of these guys, you know, one of these, you know, delivery guys, whatever, takes it now, they can come and go.

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And they got full access to the fucking. To the whole apartment.

[Paul Verdier]

You want to know what guys? This is why I live in the woods, okay?

[Sage Foley]

There's no trick or treaters.

[Paul Verdier]

There's no building. There's no, yeah, sure. Now you got to get out of a building.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I said I would take the keys, Slip a note on the door. Hey, found your keys. I'm across the hall. 5a.

[Paul Verdier]

You guys are rich now. Listen, you guys are rich now. Stop living this, guys, you're living.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You'd be shocked at how bad with money he is. Shocked you'd be slapping around.

[Paul Verdier]

It's gonna be a documentary on Netflix. Behind the podcast, the Downfall of Foley. H. Foley's Financial Ruins. Like, dude, he had 200. Gotta open up the books.

[Kevin James Ryan]

He don't want nobody looking at the book.

[Paul Verdier]

How'd he go from 29 million net? He's got 11. 11,000 left.

[Sage Foley]

That's a hell of a weekend, though.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Amex bill's coming due.

[Paul Verdier]

But both of you guys live in buildings. Yeah, yeah, look, it's over now.

[Sage Foley]

Listen, I got it.

[Paul Verdier]

I got a real estate guy. You come to Westchester. Come to Westchester, and you don't have to deal with keys and doors at midnight.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I know.

[Sage Foley]

I also found out, too, because I think I mentioned I locked myself out for like, half a second, and the super came up and let me in, and he's like, you know, if that ever happens, there's a set of keys downstairs.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Everybody knows that.

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah, that's Fun to know.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah.

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah.

[Sage Foley]

So anybody. Literally, there's somebody that can get into any building, any apartment in New York City you want to write.

[Paul Verdier]

Think about, like this. Every hotel you stay in, they could get in.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Sage Foley]

I put that little flip thing on, though.

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah. Yeah. That little. That little metal thing is. Is giving us.

[Kevin James Ryan]

The pieces come all over that. That thing.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah. You ever see what. You ever see where they come in and, like, the hanger comes up and.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Starts unhook all the stuff? With a hanger?

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah. That's nuts, dude.

[Sage Foley]

I would freak out.

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah, that's. That's. Yeah. I don't. We're not safe. We all got Social Security, dude.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Jefferson.

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

They.

[Paul Verdier]

You know what I mean?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Like, real attacks, real Sicilian.

[Sage Foley]

I always change the second number.

[Paul Verdier]

You think you're off the grid.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You ain't off the grid.

[Paul Verdier]

You ain't off the grid.

[Kevin James Ryan]

What I mean, I also. I've had to call locksmith before. It's scary. Scary how quick they get in your house.

[Sage Foley]

I wish I would have.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I mean, 10 seconds. 10 seconds. He was in my apartment to the point where I was like, have you been here before? Yeah. I was like, this is crazy, Kevin.

[Paul Verdier]

I was a baby.

[Kevin James Ryan]

He had my keys, just opened it up.

[Sage Foley]

That's another thing, too. I wouldn't want a toy for the kid.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Hey, good kid. It looks just like him.

[Sage Foley]

I wouldn't mind getting Paul's advice on this. I mean, I guess I did the right thing, but we were in. Where were we? With the. With the Asian kid.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Okay. Bob, put a pin in that. San Francisco.

[Sage Foley]

We're. So. We're in San Francisco.

[Paul Verdier]

He's in the trunk.

[Sage Foley]

Smart kids story like that. So we're in a hotel in San Francisco, right?

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah.

[Sage Foley]

I came home from the back from the show. I had a couple drinks in me, and I did that thing where you go in, all the lights are on, the TV's on, you lay down in your jeans, and I just fell asleep. Woke up at like one couple of drinks. A couple of drinks.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You gotta be hit with a tranquilizer, dude.

[Paul Verdier]

The last time I did that, I drank a bottle of Dewar's and almost had gotten my stomach. Dewars.

[Kevin James Ryan]

A bottle of Dewars. So trash.

[Paul Verdier]

The Giants won the Super Bowl. What do you want from me?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Shout out, Eli. Don't drink a bottle.

[Paul Verdier]

You know, you come home, you pack.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Up for your clothes. I had a couple of beers at the beginning.

[Paul Verdier]

I had a snow suit on. A snow suit on my snow boot up in the next day, I take.

[Sage Foley]

My skis off, you know, I wake up. So I wake up at like 1:50, you know. You wake up like, what the. So I take my off, I go into the bathroom to pee. This is two o' clock in the morning. And I had heard. I thought I heard a woman's voice walking up and down the hallway. I swear to God, I hear this.

[Kevin James Ryan]

We're in a bad hotel, not a nice hotel.

[Sage Foley]

And I hear this on the door. A little faint knock. I open the door. There's a 12 year old Asian kid standing there with no shoes, shorts and a T shirt on.

[Kevin James Ryan]

He doesn't, he doesn't peephole it. He just blindly opens the door. San Francisco, downtown, at the wharf. He just opens the door.

[Paul Verdier]

Cops, right? I did cops last week.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, yeah.

[Sage Foley]

So I'm like, what the fuck are you doing?

[Paul Verdier]

You didn't pee pole?

[Sage Foley]

No, I just opened it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's insane.

[Paul Verdier]

Nuts. Dude.

[Kevin James Ryan]

If I. If you're coming home, if you're like, hey, Kippy, I'm finishing up, we're gonna go get breakfast, I'll knock on your door. When I'm here, I'm still peep hole in it. Even if I'm expecting.

[Sage Foley]

Well, here's the thing. I have these moments of courage, blindly, that I.

[Paul Verdier]

That you were drunk.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's called doers.

[Sage Foley]

Because I. I fucking opened it. Like, hey, are we doing this? Let's. If it's going down, let's do it quick. So I open the door, there's a fucking Asian kid standing there. And I'm like, what the fuck are you. I was like, I thought I was dreaming.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Sage Foley]

I'm like, what are you doing? And he's like. And then for half a second I thought like the Yakuza was on either side. And I was. I was gonna catch a fucking Hanzo sword. And through my nipples he's like, I locked myself out of the room and I can't get back in. And I've been going up and down knocking on everybody's door. And you're the only one that answered. I'm like, you're knocking on everybody's stomach. What are you fucking. I immediately started yelling at the kid.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Which probably, I'm drunk in here, I.

[Sage Foley]

Could have grabbed you. So I take him downstairs, I turn him over to the fucking guy. And then I came down to get a bottle of water. Like, what the hell was that? He's like, he was sleepwalking.

[Paul Verdier]

Oh, so.

[Sage Foley]

And he was on a field trip. It was an Asian kid with an Australian accent. Then I see a little Shit out of me. So they bring him back up to his room, and as they're passing me again, I say, listen, just so you know, buddy, next time something like that happens, go right down to the lobby. Don't go knocking on people's doors. They'll kidnap you. And fucking the next morning, all these kids are coming out. I yelled to him, I was like, bobby. And he fucking ices me.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm like, oh, yeah, dude, he's with 200 of his friends.

[Paul Verdier]

Well, he was also sleeping.

[Sage Foley]

No, he was awake when he talked to me.

[Kevin James Ryan]

He could have been. He could have been.

[Sage Foley]

You know, he remembered. Zombie.

[Paul Verdier]

I don't wanna. I don't wanna.

[Sage Foley]

Cambridge talking about Helix.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Shout out to Helix gang.

[Sage Foley]

We are a Helix.

[Paul Verdier]

A family. You ain't lying.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Big.

[Sage Foley]

Most of our family is a Helix family.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm on five years strong. I'm a Helix guy.

[Sage Foley]

How many dirt balls over there in Orion Clan and the Foley clan rest their little heads and dream about grifting on a Helix mattress at night, huh?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Dream about paying the bills.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah. Fighting with people in their head as they drift off to sleep. I love sleeping in Helix. And you know what I just realized? The best dreams of my life, that this is. This is just me. All right? It's my opinion, best dreams of my life have been on a Helix mattress.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's good.

[Sage Foley]

You sleep good. You just sleep good. Whether you sleep hot, whether you sleep cold, whether you're tall, whether you're heavy, whether you're thin on your side and your back, you go over there to Helix, you take the quiz, they match you with the perfect mattress for you. They're cozy, they're cuddly, they're fantastic. I cannot say enough about Helix mattresses. Do yourself a favor this fall and get a Helix.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. Go to helixsleep.com garbage for 20% off site wide. Baby, that ain't 5%, that ain't 10%. I'm talking 20% off site wide. That's helixsleep.com garbage for twenty percent off site wide. Make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know the boy sent you. One more time. Helixleep.com Garbage do it, Kippy.

[Sage Foley]

It's Acorns time.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Shout out to Acorns, gang.

[Sage Foley]

The Fall Acorns. Stocking it away, Saving money. What a great name.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Acorns.

[Sage Foley]

Isn't it great?

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's great.

[Sage Foley]

It's fantastic. Gang, if you want to save money, sign up for Acorns. Take it right out of your checking account. They invest it for You. It's absolutely. It's the only way that we've been able to save money.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I've been able to save money.

[Sage Foley]

Can't be a lot more than me.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, listen there's.

[Sage Foley]

Because they also give you the transfer out get a little stacked up. You can bring it right back.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Big dog likes that.

[Paul Verdier]

I love that.

[Sage Foley]

I love acorns.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Listen, it's. It's kind of a. It's. It's. I'm. I've never been good at saving. It's well well documented. We're both very bad with money. Still am. But you're it. It's. You know, it squirrels it away. No pun intended. I don't know. That's where they got that the acorns putting. Putting a little nut away for later. A little of this little that I.

[Sage Foley]

Looked up after like I. I didn't know how long I had two GS in them. Two GS?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. It's great. Listen, it's that right. The fuck it takes. It takes the thinking out of it. And if I. It's easy to set something up and just set it and let it do it because I don't have the willpower to do it. Acorns has. Has allowed me is the only reason I've been able to save up money. So if you sign up now Acre Acorns will boost your account with a five dollar bonus investment. Join over the 14 million all time customer who has already saved and invested over $25 billion with Acorns. That's a lot of cash. Head to Acorns. Two grand of that yours. Head to acorns.com garbage or download the Acorns app to get started. Paid non client endorsement compensation provides incentive to positively promote Acorns tier 2 compensation provided investing involves risk. Acorns Advisors LLC is an SEC registered an investment advisor. View important [e-mail] garbage do it.

[Paul Verdier]

I don't want to.

[Sage Foley]

What are you doing?

[Paul Verdier]

I don't want to repeat the story. I don't think I told it on here. I know that I told it on a couple other podcasts but when. When I was in Burbank and somebody knocked on the door recently. Yeah, it was. It was actually one of this. It was a year, maybe a year and a half ago.

[Sage Foley]

I don't remember this.

[Paul Verdier]

Oh dude. It's the craziest story. I mean I'll.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'll.

[Paul Verdier]

I'll hit you guys with it. I did it on Segura, so I apologize if nobody heard it. But it Was people were like, ever heard? So I, I was jet lagged. I ended up going to dinner with Mike Bertolina, who you know from.

[Sage Foley]

Just met him.

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah, yeah.

[Sage Foley]

So shout out to Mike.

[Paul Verdier]

We go out and we had, we had dinner and like, I finally started to get. I finally started to get like acclimated to the time change and I'm like, calm now. I have a busy week ahead of me and I go to lay in bed at like, you know, we played golf too. I go and lay about at 10 o' clock and it's a nice day. I hear a. And I'm like in my boxer briefs. And I go, yeah, because you know, you know. And dude, I can't believe you don't know this. Buckle up, dog.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Jesus, buckle up.

[Paul Verdier]

So I go and I, I look in the peephole, which you should have done.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's crazy. You're not peephole.

[Paul Verdier]

And there's a dude jacked like as, as big could be. No shirt on, wool hat, bathing suit, his hands behind his back. And he's going like this.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Looking like this, right?

[Sage Foley]

So now that's the escort I ordered.

[Paul Verdier]

I told you. I told you so. So I'm like, I'm like kind of freaking out. He's banging hard and then all of a sudden it goes away. So now I'm obviously, I'm uneasy. And it was one of those hotels that have four floors, you know, the fucking. The shitty ones. Yeah, big square button. I was pissed. I got it booked there, but it was, you know. So wait, big square button.

[Sage Foley]

What do you mean?

[Paul Verdier]

You know, like the big square. White. They light up white.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Oh, yeah.

[Paul Verdier]

In the elevator.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Oh, it's simple. Elevator.

[Paul Verdier]

It's like literally, I notice one through four. So it's like a big lit up fucking.

[Sage Foley]

He's judging the lights on the elevator.

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah, no, that's how I. No, no, seriously, you want to go to a good hotel, look at the buttons in the elevator.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Round, round with a little contour and a circ.

[Paul Verdier]

Certain font.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yes, you're not wrong.

[Paul Verdier]

So certain font on the numbers.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I never thought about that.

[Sage Foley]

That's the craziest thing I've ever heard.

[Paul Verdier]

I'll tell you about toilet. Public toilets. So I go, dude, now I'm kind of like. It was a little unnerving because the way he was looking around.

[Sage Foley]

Right? Yeah, he's looking to somebody up.

[Paul Verdier]

So, so then I, I look. This was when it got really creepy. I look through in the courtyard because like from my. I was on the third floor when I looked Down. I could see the pool and, like, where you go to reception? And I look, and all of a sudden he's. And I open the thing this much, a crack like that. Like that crack. Like that. Hiding. And all of a sudden, he walks and looks right up through the crack at me. Dude, it was like Cape Fear. And I just. I just let go of the thing. So now I'm kind of pacing around.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You got your lock, though. You're like the deadbolt of whatever that.

[Paul Verdier]

So then all of a sudden, dude.

[Sage Foley]

You called down in the lobby.

[Kevin James Ryan]

9, 1 1.

[Paul Verdier]

So what happened? He come. I hear a knock again. So I called downstairs and I go, yo, there's a dude, you know, I go, can somebody look, somebody come up here? There's somebody with, like, no shirt walking around, everything like that. So now I'm like. I'm so uneasy. I'm freaking out. I see workers go past my room looking. They go, yeah, no, we didn't see anything.

[Sage Foley]

And now.

[Paul Verdier]

So now all of a sudden, this is all 100% real. So now I'm just like, all right. So five minutes go by, and I'm like, maybe it's the wrong thing. Maybe it's just whatever, you know? And I start to, like, calm down. And then bang, bang, bang. Throwing shoulder. And I'm looking. Throwing shoulder. Get the up. Throwing his shoulder. I call downstairs, I go, dude, there's somebody at my door right now that wants to harm me. I go, I need. I need. You gotta call.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Well, who. Who.

[Paul Verdier]

What is he? You know, asking questions.

[Sage Foley]

Get the up here.

[Paul Verdier]

She goes, we'll call you back. We're gonna call.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Call me back, dude.

[Paul Verdier]

She called back and goes, the police want you to call them. And I go, ma', am, this dude is. This dude is throwing his shoulder screaming now. And I'm at the dude, I grab my bags, I grab everything.

[Sage Foley]

Are you yelling to him like, what the fuck?

[Paul Verdier]

Oh, no, no, I. Mum's the word.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I like that move.

[Paul Verdier]

Nothing.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I agree.

[Sage Foley]

You turn the lights out, whatever you're.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Going to say, he's not going to go. You're like, hey, this is comedian Paul Vers.

[Paul Verdier]

He's not going, oh, my bad. So, dude, I'm free.

[Sage Foley]

No specials out now again. Check it out.

[Paul Verdier]

But October 8th, so. So he's like, I'm. I'm. Now I'm in a certain. Now I'm in a fight or flight. What do I do? I grab my bags. I think I said, you need to get me out of this hotel. I called downstairs. I go, you got to get me. I don't call the cops because I tried calling, and it. They were. Took long to. Okay, what's. And I just hung up.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Hey, you need. You need immediate help.

[Paul Verdier]

I need immediate.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Someone on the Prince.

[Paul Verdier]

I need immediate help, because if that dude got in the room, I don't know what would have happened, Seriously. And so finally, after banging, banging, screaming, he goes away. I go, I need some. I'm dressed. My bags are there. I said, somebody's got to come up here. He's like, do they, like. Do you want us to knock on the door? How are you going to know it's us? Are you going to. I said, just come to the door with whoever knock. I'll look when I see it's you. So long story short, I go there. They walk me out. I call Bertolina. Bertolina's like, dude, come. My wife said, come over. Like, we'll get you set up. I go, no. I went to, like, Studio City. I went to, like, one of, like, the Universal, where all the tourism kids are. My neighbors are little kids. And so I'm on, like, the big building, 11th floor. And I called the next day, and I was like, did you guys. And they were like. Somebody was on the premise. You're not in it. You weren't targeted. Somebody was on the thing either, looking for somebody. We got rid of them. And I said, and they wouldn't give me information. And I go, well, was I targeted? Because my room was targeted. And they were like, no, you know, it wasn't about. It wasn't about you. So when. When you told me that story, it fucking. I got ptsd. It just flashed back. I wish it was a little Asian boy.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'd be able to fuck you on pussy.

[Paul Verdier]

You know? But no, dude, like, things like that can happen, and it could have been bad. So. Always look out of the peephole.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Always peep. That's insane.

[Paul Verdier]

And, yeah, a sleepwalk. I'll be honest with you. I would have just let. I would have looked out of the people and just not done anything. I would have called. I would have looked out of the people.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Hold the front.

[Paul Verdier]

And I've called front desk. Dude, there's an Asian kid here.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You're gonna have to get up pretty early to try to set me up. Me fall for this.

[Sage Foley]

There's an Asian kid here. It's funny because when I walk down to the guy at the front desk, he acted like it happened five times a day.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That was a bad ho.

[Paul Verdier]

And I apologize if anybody. I told that story on two different pods.

[Sage Foley]

I never heard that.

[Paul Verdier]

No, no, yeah, no, dude, it was. That was one of the scariest moments of my. That was the scariest moment of my life on the road. Because dude, when I heard like this dude was like wwe. And when he, when he was throwing his shoulder in screaming to get like that, that's when I was like, oh, this dude wants to do harm.

[Sage Foley]

Was he saying let me in?

[Paul Verdier]

He was, ah, what the.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You know, like it just fucking out or something.

[Paul Verdier]

But it was, it was weird because it was like it went quiet like a horror movie. Went quiet like a horror movie. It's over. And then all of a sudden like back and then the people couldn't find it, you know.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Dude, I had, I had something relatively similar where it's like horror movie esque, where it was like we were. We used to play cards at this like place. We had to like buzz through like two doors. It was in a strip mall in the, in the suburbs outside of Philly. And I, I. My buddy was still in there. I had lost all my money so I went outside and I was smoking. This is like fucking one in the morning strip mall. Empty. There's like a bar a couple doors down, like an Irish pub or whatever, but the whole thing's like empty. And it's quiet as I'm just out there smoking and I see this guy just like figure like probably you know, a hundred yards away, all the way down at the other end of the parking lot, just kind of walking around. So I got eyes on him. He's in a wife beater and he's got his hair and braids like in the. Like, like two of the big braids but with, with like little girl like doily. You know, like those. Yeah, you know, like real. We odd. Young. Like young. Like it would be like an 8 year old girl's hair. Jeez. And I'm like looking around. I turn my back five seconds, not even, and I turn back around and he has closed the fucking like in a supernatural way.

[Sage Foley]

Whoa.

[Kevin James Ryan]

He has closed the distance on me and was just stand. Like he wasn't running her off in a bunch. He was just looking at me. What?

[Sage Foley]

Wait, what kind of the doilies in his hair?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, like, you know, they were like the two little balls and there's like a rubber band. Yeah, he's got those in his hair.

[Sage Foley]

Like, like. So his hair's coming out like pigtails.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, he's got like two pigtails and.

[Paul Verdier]

He'S just staring at you and he.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Dude, he's like, from fucking me to.

[Sage Foley]

The camera, this couldn't have been some bruiser you hooked up with the week before or something?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Like, that was like a six two, dude.

[Sage Foley]

All right.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Color. That's right. Do you have sex with this guy? Like, oh, shit.

[Paul Verdier]

I was fucking hammered.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, I can. Doers will get you. I completely forgot I had sex with this guy.

[Sage Foley]

No, it was probably some fat chick. You never called back or something.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, he was a huge dude.

[Paul Verdier]

Somebody's locked on you like that. Isn't it just the scariest, dude?

[Kevin James Ryan]

My first thing was like, Jeepers Creep the way I. I don't know. I still don't know how. It's the only thing of, like, supernatural. I'm like, wow, he was so far away. And then right there. And what didn't, like, run up, he was just standing. He said, what you trying to get into tonight? I'm trying to open the door, but the door's locked.

[Paul Verdier]

Oh.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And now I'm like, that's what you're trying to get into tonight?

[Paul Verdier]

Not you, buddy. I hope you.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Not me.

[Paul Verdier]

Holy no.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So I do, I run into the. I, I, I, I sprint to the Irish pub. I get in the Irish pub and they're like, what's going. And I'm like, looking out the window and then, dude, like, out of them and no one.

[Sage Foley]

Dude, is the fryer still on?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Let me get some chicken.

[Paul Verdier]

Dude, that would freak me out if I was in the bar. Be like, dude, lock the door.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I know. I come running in. And then, dude, he just leaned in the window and like that and looked at me. And I'm like, this guy. And then by the time I turned around, he was gone again. They must have thought I was fucking nuts.

[Paul Verdier]

Nuts.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Wait, how long ago this is Fries is 8 as 19 years old. Something like that.

[Paul Verdier]

Full head of hair. I mean, dude.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So then we get in the car. My bomb, like, dude, my buddy comes out. I'm like, get in the car. Because he was driving, so I didn't have, like, keys to get in the car. So we get in the car and we're like, coming out of the parking lot. I'm like, dude, this. He thinks I'm not. He's like, dude, shut up. And then out of nowhere, this guy comes running towards the car again. I'm like, go, go, go. Blew the red light and got the out of there. Yeah. Hit me with a. What you trying to get into?

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah. No, dude, that's. Some people are nuts and they just lock one person.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It was. Yeah, there was something there. Was either mental illness or drugs. And he was.

[Paul Verdier]

I think the guy at the hotel was maybe even looking for a girl that he thought could have been there, but definitely on some sort of meth or something and just went to the room and thought it was the room and got fixated on it and. But yeah, dude, it's scary.

[Sage Foley]

It's tough to even. No matter whether you. If in a straight fight, you could take the guy or not. Not when somebody's in that ass kicking.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You're not.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You're not briefs.

[Paul Verdier]

I just played golf and had two tequilas. I'm the opposite of this guy. I want to put my.

[Sage Foley]

Just put my Invisalign.

[Paul Verdier]

I put my feet up. I'm ready for another Stranger things episode. And this guy is going like, dude, it was not fun.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That is a switch. Because that feeling, when you finally get real comfortable in a hotel after travel, you're rubbing your tootsies together.

[Paul Verdier]

You're like.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Like, dude, I get to sleep in.

[Paul Verdier]

Exactly what it was. And. And. And the two tequilas, I wasn't drunk, but it was just a tiny light buzz and that all sobered up like that. And now I'm in fight or flight, and I got some lunatic banging on the door.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't like that.

[Paul Verdier]

No.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Jesus Christ. That scared the out of me.

[Sage Foley]

This is very fitting for Halloween.

[Paul Verdier]

I know.

[Kevin James Ryan]

This is spooky.

[Paul Verdier]

I wish it was an Asian boy.

[Sage Foley]

You're supposed to be two feet taller. It's supposed to be two of you.

[Paul Verdier]

I got.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I got another. I got one. One. Do you talk about the kitchen? You get the kitchen redone? Very nice. What with this. Something we talked about before. What countertop appliances are currently out? And what do you use and then put away?

[Sage Foley]

Very nice countertop.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Like, is the blender out, or do you just. Is the blender?

[Paul Verdier]

We don't have a blender out.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Blender at all.

[Paul Verdier]

Blenders, like, stored. If we need it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's like it's in a.

[Paul Verdier]

Cause it's a length.

[Sage Foley]

I mean, what are you doing with the smoothies? How you doing the smoothies?

[Paul Verdier]

No, we don't.

[Kevin James Ryan]

How you doing this smoothies? Not everybody's doing.

[Paul Verdier]

I go to. I go to the cafe.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Got an air fryer out.

[Paul Verdier]

We have an air fryer, but not out.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Not out. That's class.

[Sage Foley]

Wait, he's not a pizza place.

[Kevin James Ryan]

People keep the air fryer.

[Sage Foley]

Air fryer.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm thinking, hey, whose side are you on here?

[Paul Verdier]

We got the knives.

[Sage Foley]

Okay. Nice.

[Kevin James Ryan]

What's your block?

[Sage Foley]

You got a nice block.

[Paul Verdier]

We got A little block with the knives.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Are the steak knives in there too or is it just the big cut knives?

[Paul Verdier]

A few like. A few like a little row of steak knives and then the big boys.

[Sage Foley]

What about them scissors? You got them scissors in there too? The meat scissors?

[Paul Verdier]

We got a new block, this one. No scissors. Those scissors in the old block are in the drawer.

[Sage Foley]

Gotcha.

[Paul Verdier]

We kind of have more bare. And then the things are kind of stored away.

[Sage Foley]

I gotcha.

[Paul Verdier]

I mean an air fryer is nuts. I mean my air fryer is bigger than a sneaker box. I can't have that out.

[Sage Foley]

What about a toaster? You got the toaster ready to go?

[Paul Verdier]

Got a nice silver toaster. But it's, it's.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's toaster. Oven or toaster?

[Paul Verdier]

No, toaster. Two slices.

[Sage Foley]

Just two.

[Paul Verdier]

Just two.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm watching the corbs over here at the Versey.

[Ad Reader]

Nice.

[Paul Verdier]

It's a sleek. Nice one.

[Sage Foley]

Okay.

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah, it's a sleek, classy one. Near the knives but tucked away coffee maker. Carrick carry.

[Sage Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Nice.

[Sage Foley]

Anything else?

[Paul Verdier]

Nah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Where's the. What's the paper towel sitch?

[Paul Verdier]

Paper towel situation is right next to a nice roll metal in a metal. Slip it on a metal thing next to the. Right next to the sink.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Does it have the arm that holds it back from flapping? You know what I mean? Yeah.

[Paul Verdier]

Yes it does.

[Sage Foley]

Where's the trash can?

[Paul Verdier]

Trash can is a pull out drawer.

[Sage Foley]

Is it? Is the drawer next to the dishwasher full size though?

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah, full size.

[Sage Foley]

How do you feel about the. Remember when the little trash can was underneath the sink?

[Paul Verdier]

No. Yeah, no, I kind of got that.

[Kevin James Ryan]

At my house in the burbs. It's like the drawer that blow your nose twice.

[Paul Verdier]

I mean it's full.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, it's probably like that. It's not the tall.

[Sage Foley]

No, but I'm saying when it was just a regular. Oh no.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Like a little snub nose guy.

[Sage Foley]

I always thought that was always like your grandmom's house, you know, it's underneath the sink. Go in there.

[Paul Verdier]

No, we have, we have the pull out. Like a pull out cat, like draw. And it has the recycling behind it. Yeah, yeah.

[Sage Foley]

And it's, it's flush when those things hit in like the 90s, the people had. God damn, what's your dad do again?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Dude? I remember for the longest time the technology wasn't even there to like really have a lid on the trash.

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You know what I mean? That would just be out in the kitchen, just trash.

[Paul Verdier]

Remember the flap you stepped on and Then it opened.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, that thing worked for about a week and a half.

[Sage Foley]

That thing fucking made by Tom and Jerry.

[Paul Verdier]

And then it just snapped after.

[Kevin James Ryan]

We had one. We had one lid that just did not stay the fuck on.

[Paul Verdier]

I think the least.

[Kevin James Ryan]

The dog would flip it off and shit.

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah, I think the least amount of things.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Minimalistic. Yeah.

[Paul Verdier]

Because listen, you have them in your drawers, tucked away. Tupperware in this draw, air fryer in this draw. If we need the blender, it's somewhere. But as far as, like, when somebody comes in and the house is done up nice, you don't see many.

[Sage Foley]

I like that.

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Classy. Very, very classy.

[Sage Foley]

My dad looks like a pawn shop.

[Kevin James Ryan]

My wife gets. She's cluttered, McGee. Okay. I'm so like, have we used this in the past week? If not, we're throwing it out.

[Sage Foley]

As much as a slob as I am, that is one thing that I kind of like to be somewhat organized and. And we go so far as like to like. Like, here's the. The oven. Like the stove right next to that is like bills and shit like that.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So it's like goddamn fire.

[Sage Foley]

I'm grabbing the cable bill and it's covered in grease.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Tomatoes.

[Paul Verdier]

It's got a con edge bill with hamburger grease on it.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah. Like, I'm running a beef and beer.

[Paul Verdier]

We got two towels hanging off this. The oven. The nice ones.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Are they decorative or seasonal?

[Paul Verdier]

Well, see, my wife. Here's it. Yeah, my wife. Wife is.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I respect not using them.

[Paul Verdier]

My wife is very. Everything is like, as soon as it's October 1, the house is Halloween.

[Sage Foley]

Okay.

[Paul Verdier]

As soon as. After Halloween, the house is Thanksgiving. As soon as Thanksgiving, I mean, dude, it's like you went.

[Kevin James Ryan]

She runs a tight ship.

[Paul Verdier]

Christmas, it's like you went to the North Pole downstairs. It's like there's a bunch of elves that made. It's nuts.

[Sage Foley]

Christmas, I assume you get drug into that weekend, but what about. Does the Halloween and the Thanksgiving. Do you get brought in to work on that shift when she's switching them over?

[Paul Verdier]

No.

[Sage Foley]

Now you're good.

[Paul Verdier]

No. Her and my daughter will just. I'll just wake up and I'll be in a Halloween world.

[Sage Foley]

I'll wake up and I'll be in the house.

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah. There'll be spider webs and you know.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah, that's got to be a good fit.

[Paul Verdier]

They do that. She goes up in the attic, gets all the shit from that one, puts the stuff from the other one and just transforms the house.

[Sage Foley]

Yeah. I'm not. I just like when other people do that stuff.

[Ad Reader]

Stuff.

[Sage Foley]

And you walk into it.

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah. Well, look at me. I'm not exactly a decorative type.

[Kevin James Ryan]

He's doing hand turkeys and he's hanging them up, playing.

[Sage Foley]

Is this cake?

[Paul Verdier]

Where's the Thanksgiving welcome mat? My wife. There's a different welcome mat for everything.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Really?

[Paul Verdier]

Really? Oh, yeah. You come to my house right now, it says, you know, spooky with a. Then, then afterwards, thankful with the basket and the.

[Sage Foley]

Does the scent change through the season?

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah, my wife has a different scent hand. So scent for all the seasons.

[Sage Foley]

Okay, that's good.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's good. That's.

[Paul Verdier]

Ah, dude, I don't know. I don't bring Christmas. Like, I jerked off an elf. My hand smells like spearmint.

[Sage Foley]

I love that.

[Paul Verdier]

Do you?

[Sage Foley]

I like. I love the. I love apples and cinnamon.

[Paul Verdier]

I don't know why I said jerked off an elf, but.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, I got it.

[Sage Foley]

I was thinking about the Asian boy. Yeah.

[Paul Verdier]

We're very color coordinated, matching. Have things that you don't use, towels that you don't use for. You know, the bathroom has the set of towels that you don't touch.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Paul Verdier]

And then the set of towels that you. Wait.

[Sage Foley]

There's the bathroom downstairs. Right? There's the.

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah, there's a little bathroom downstairs.

[Sage Foley]

Okay. I go in there, I pee, I wash my hands.

[Paul Verdier]

Yep.

[Sage Foley]

What can I use?

[Paul Verdier]

No, no, you're downstairs. All bets are off.

[Sage Foley]

I can do whatever I want. You go for it.

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah, yeah. You go upstairs. There's certain towels, but you'll know which towel.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You can tell if it's got letter, if it's embroidered, got a design. If it's not used, you. You shouldn't be using it.

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah, yeah. If they're the ones that got stitching and embroidery, you know, things like that you don't touch.

[Sage Foley]

You know, I always run into that problem when it's. When the hand towels not present. Like, say especially like apartments. There's not two bathrooms, you know, they're just one.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Using someone's.

[Sage Foley]

Like if someone's towel.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I've. I've done that.

[Sage Foley]

If someone's towels hanging on the back of the door. And like, I bet somebody.

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah.

[Sage Foley]

If I was at Luke's house, I went in there and did my business, wash my hands, all that kind of stuff. Look through the medicine cabinet, see what's going on.

[Paul Verdier]

Are you.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Do you.

[Sage Foley]

Oh, yeah.

[Paul Verdier]

You look through medicine cabinets?

[Kevin James Ryan]

What?

[Paul Verdier]

See, I got.

[Sage Foley]

I'm an addict.

[Paul Verdier]

Oh, Jesus.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I need foot cream. If they got it.

[Paul Verdier]

Can't invite this guy over for a Holiday dinner. He's rummaging.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Keeping you out back. Been going through the trash?

[Paul Verdier]

Guy stealing my Claritins?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I had a full Z pack in here. Henry.

[Paul Verdier]

I had two lots of ceilings left for a rainy day. This guy runny nose now?

[Sage Foley]

No, I don't do it anymore. If I was in his place.

[Paul Verdier]

Turn the cameras on. Foley's taking a.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Get the ring cam going. You stink.

[Sage Foley]

You don't take a peek?

[Paul Verdier]

No, that's nuts.

[Sage Foley]

What?

[Paul Verdier]

Dude take a peek in a medicine cabinet. I feel like I'm robbing a joint.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I can't.

[Paul Verdier]

My friend's house.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That is a level of respect that you should be like. I'm assuming cuz the medicine cabinet's intimate. You know what I mean? It could be something for his wife, something for the kids. And you're rooting around in there.

[Paul Verdier]

It's a fistful of Q tips.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Got a mouth full of cotton balls.

[Sage Foley]

I'll get out of here.

[Paul Verdier]

Dental floss is in his pocket. Jesus. Yeah.

[Sage Foley]

What a water pick. Go.

[Paul Verdier]

So you're.

[Sage Foley]

I just like to take a peek and see. Listen, I like all that stuff. I also look in the shower, to be honest.

[Paul Verdier]

I gotta be honest with you.

[Sage Foley]

I look in the shower. Especially if it's a lady's apartment and not in a creepy way.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It sounds in a creepy way for being honest.

[Paul Verdier]

Just like that sounds in the biggest peeping Tom away I've ever heard.

[Sage Foley]

I just like to see how people have like their shampoo and all that kind of stuff. I'd like that stuff. Like how cozy is the shower? You know what I mean? No, no.

[Paul Verdier]

I mean.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And you always. You do a lot of this intimate stuff under the guise of coziness. I like cozy. Cozy? You're a grown man who uses cozy too much.

[Paul Verdier]

Are you opening drawers or just a medicine cabinet? You'll open a drawer.

[Sage Foley]

Sometimes you get.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Put your clothes on if you want to. Sometimes your panties.

[Paul Verdier]

That's wearing your robes. See how it fits.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I like being cozy.

[Sage Foley]

Sometimes in the. In the vanity. Sometimes on the vanity. They have those fake drawers where they're sealed.

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I had those growing.

[Sage Foley]

I hated that.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I didn't get that.

[Paul Verdier]

There was always one draw. That didn't. That didn't.

[Sage Foley]

What the fuck is that for?

[Paul Verdier]

Yeah, no, that's true.

[Sage Foley]

But then it makes sense. It's like why do you have a drawer? I know. The sinks right there.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, because. So it's just decoration because you can't have a drawer because the sink's there. So. But it'd be weird if you just had a big piece of wood, you got a little.

[Paul Verdier]

Dude, next time I invite you guys to the house, I'm just gonna have a sign in the medicine that says high Foley.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Open it up, call you, take everything out.

[Sage Foley]

Paulie, we can't thank you enough for coming in and sitting down with us.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Thank you, brother.

[Sage Foley]

Congratulations on the new pod. Paul's been. You got two episodes out right now. You got Pete Davis, you got Mr. Dan Soder. Comes out every Wednesday night at 7pm every Wednesday morning. Every morning.

[Paul Verdier]

Every morning it comes out. Pete was the first one. Dan Soder is this week, and I have so many great guests. And the nice thing is it's evergreen. So it's all about the best of. Please check that out. It's on Big Money Players, which is Will Ferrell's podcast network. Also iheartradio. So check that out. Get it anywhere. You get your podcast. Also my YouTube channel. Guys, go to my YouTube channel. Hit the subscribe button. And my new special, Reasonable man is on there this Thursday night. Hello, tomorrow. Yes, Tomorrow night I'm going to be at Helium in Buffalo. One show only.

[Kevin James Ryan]

7:30.

[Paul Verdier]

I actually do love Buffalo, people. Always.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Buffalo's a great comedy place. Buffalo.

[Paul Verdier]

It's a great comedy town. Great sports town, great food. The 24th, I'll be at Sold Joe's. Then I'm in Texas on November 5th and 6th, which I believe is Houston and Dallas. Check out those dates. Paulverzee.com, oh, and I'm going to be doing Algonquin, Algonquin performing arts theater November 8th in Matasquan, New Jersey. And I'm doing the Town Hall, Edmond Town hall in Newtown, Connecticut on December 12th. All dates paulverzee.com Check them out. Check me out, man. I really appreciate. Thank you guys for having me.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Of course, brother.

[Sage Foley]

The absolute best, buddy. We love you very much.

[Paul Verdier]

Thank you, guys.

[Sage Foley]

Family Philadelphia. Get tickets for December 13th. We love you and we'll see you next week.

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