Parents vs. Teachers! w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Summary

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Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast

Episode: Parents vs. Teachers! w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Date: January 19, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this “family episode,” hosts Kevin Ryan and H. Foley take on the classic clash of Parents vs. Teachers in their signature “Are You Garbage?” style. With no guest this week, it’s just the boys riffing, reminiscing about their childhoods, debating what counts as “garbage” behavior when it comes to parenting, school, mopping floors, tipping etiquette, and so much more. Listeners are treated to their personal stories, gritty nostalgia, and some wild takes on generational changes in family and school life. Hilariously relatable and occasionally heartwarming, this episode’s blend of banter, self-deprecating humor, and truth bombs is a must-listen for fans and newcomers alike.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Childhood, Family Dynamics, and Trashy Memories

• Family nonsense: The episode opens with rapid-fire stories about growing up “dirtbags” – pellet guns, single-parent households, selective memories, and epic family confusion over distant cousins who want money.
  • Quote - H. Foley: “My mother is the king of that. Talking to like the third generation of our family. Acting like they would know who, like, you know, Doreen Koreki is.” [04:37]
• Parental detachment: Kevin and H talk about how parents didn’t really get too invested when it came to anything outside immediate family, especially with distant relatives.
  • Quote - Kevin Ryan: “They all sound like they're all the last names of the first guy who died in Nam.” [04:51]
• Selective family memory is a recurring gag, with Foley joking about not remembering his own mischief and Kevin calling him out for being a “born dickhead” for childhood pranks.
  • Quote - Kevin Ryan: “You were a born dickhead.” [05:59]

2. Health, Aging, and “Garbage” Routines

• Geriatric humor: Foley bemoans his approaching 50s, discusses weird pains, and a hilariously bad home workout routine involving kitchen sink push-ups and Asian-style slaps for “lymph nodes.”
  • Quote - H. Foley: “I do my push ups on my kitchen sink. My head goes...do my cold face. Stick my face...” [07:51]
• Home maintenance laziness: Anecdotes about greasing the superintendent late, putting off chores, and generally being “bozos.”
  • Quote - Kevin Ryan: “You operate like a pure bozo.” [10:51]

3. Coffee Shop Field Piece (Foley’s Failed Segment)

• Foley attempts to debut a new bit—secretly recording loud people in a coffee shop to illustrate “trashy” behavior and justify writing it off on the company card.
  • Quote - Kevin Ryan: “That just sounded like a normal New York coffee shop. Maybe no, maybe you didn’t capture it great.” [14:44]
• Segment flops, leading to playful roasting by Kevin.

4. Public Etiquette & "Garbage" Behavior

Loud Talkers & Privacy

• Coffee shop etiquette: Both hosts loathe people having loud, personal conversations in public, recalling stories of being “overheard” and the dangers of trash talk as public figures.
  • Quote - Kevin Ryan: “I don’t want anybody ever knowing what I’m saying. ... You don’t want anybody knowing nothing.” [18:23]
• Spatial awareness: Kevin expounds on social “buffer zones” in public:
  • Quote: “If you're at a urinal, you don't go to the urinal right next to the guy, you give a buffer...” [24:19]

Mopping & Household Chores

• Respecting a fresh mop: The guys exchange battle stories about respecting clean floors at home and at work; crossing a freshly mopped floor is serious business.
  • Quote - Foley: “Especially if the guy's there. Sorry, sir.” [46:50]

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5. The Main Event: Parents vs. Teachers

Are You Garbage: Is it Garbage for Your Mom to Yell at a Teacher?

[25:42]

• A listener asks if it’s garbage if your mom yells at your teacher during a parent-teacher conference and sends you into the hall beforehand.
  • Both hosts agree: While there's a limit, standing up for your kid once is respectable, but doing it for every teacher is a sign your family is probably the problem.
    • Quote - H. Foley: “I respect the mom for standing up for the kid. But 100%, that only goes so far.” [36:40]
    • Quote - Kevin Ryan: “If you have a problem with every teacher or your mom’s yelling at every teacher, you guys are a fucking problem.” [37:10]

Generational Divide in School Discipline

[27:00 - 34:00]

• Then vs. Now:
  • Kevin and H discuss how growing up, their parents never sided with them over teachers. Today, teachers are pressured by parents, forced to apologize to students, and often encouraged to leave the field.
  • The hosts swap tales of being labeled troublemakers, “undisciplined,” or outright “stupid.”
    • Quote - Kevin Ryan: “My mom would have never backed me up. Never.” [31:46]
    • Quote - H. Foley: “There was a lot of questions, a lot of friction because I was stupid...undiscovered ADHD, my glasses, all that shit.” [32:02]
• Teacher burnout: Many teachers today are looking for different work because of the shift toward catering to parents instead of classroom discipline.

Schoolyard Nostalgia: Lunches, Snacks, and Childhood Grievances

• Snack shaming: Foley vividly recalls a teacher shaming his Hostess pie:
  • Quote - H. Foley: “She went, ooh, that’s not a snack, that’s a lunch. ... Stung the shit out of me.” [28:03]
• End of year cookouts: The hosts trade bizarre tales about snack times, class parties, and wings at elementary school. (“Chicken wings at an elementary birthday party. What the – Is it a Bill’s tailgate?” [29:15])

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6. Trash Can, Tipping & Open Bar Etiquette

Garbage Neighborhood Habits

• Leaving trash cans at the curb? Both agree: a cardinal suburban sin. Leaving trash cans out for days is “garbage behavior.”
  • Quote - Kevin Ryan: “The raccoons get in there...start blowing...that’s why you gotta get them that day.” [52:40]

Tipping at Open Bars

• Technique tips: The duo lays out the "gentleman's move": tip heavy up front, but don't ‘remind’ the bartender all night—maybe supplement late in the event.
  • Quote - Kevin Ryan: “If you hit him heavy enough, you need a little bit of confidence that he remembers you...just give him a little bit of reinforcement.” [61:52]
  • Quote - Foley: “Give it to them, you say here you go, that's for you. Tip. Fuck the tip jar.” [61:10]
• Open bar dilemmas: The etiquette of unsent checks for wedding gifts, keeping up appearances at family events, and “stiffing” vs. “greasing” bartenders are all dissected with classic garbage logic.

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7. Classic “Are You Garbage?” Lightning Round

• Signature bits on:
  • Crossing freshly mopped floors.
  • Accepting hush pretzels after nearly getting run over by the ice cream man.
  • Forgotten signed wedding checks and how to ask for the amount (“gentleman’s move”: blame your wife, play dumb, or overshoot the ZeII).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• Kevin Ryan on Childhood Names:
  • "They all sound like they're all the last names of the first guy who died in Nam." [04:51]
• H. Foley’s Workout Regimen:
  • "I do my push ups on my kitchen sink. My head goes...do my cold face. Stick my face..." [07:51]
• On Parent-Teacher Support:
  • Kevin: "If you have a problem with every teacher or your mom’s yelling at every teacher, you guys are a fucking problem." [37:10]
• On Snack-Shaming Teachers:
  • H. Foley: "She went, ooh, that’s not a snack, that’s a lunch. ... Stung the shit out of me.” [28:03]
• On Tipping at Open Bars:
  • Kevin: "If you hit him heavy enough, you need a little bit of confidence that he remembers you... just give him a little bit of reinforcement." [61:52]
• Upbringing & Chores:
  • Kevin: "I remember on trash day, we’d have to go collect trash from the bathrooms upstairs. That might as well been in India to me." [53:19]
• H. Foley on Family Parties:
  • "Uncle Hank pushing in front of a car. He already tried that...better have a soft pretzel." [64:34]

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Segment Timestamps for Reference

• 00:22 – Show Start: Hosts introduce the “Are You Garbage?” concept
• 04:00-06:30 – Family confusion, distant cousin shenanigans, and nostalgia
• 07:00-11:00 – Foley’s health complaints, trash home workout, and family dynamics
• 14:00-18:00 – Coffee shop “garbage” behavior segment
• 22:15-24:45 – Public etiquette and personal space in communal places
• 25:42-37:10 – Main topic: Is it garbage for a mom to yell at a teacher (deep dive)
• 46:50-48:10 – Freshly mopped floor protocol ("Respecting the mop")
• 51:02-54:00 – Trash cans at the curb, suburban “garbage” habits
• 61:10-63:46 – Tipping at open bars: Gentlemen’s rulebook
• 67:32-69:26 – Wedding gift check blunder: how to handle unsigned checks

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Tone, Language & Style

The episode maintains its classic blue-collar, ball-breaking, Northeast trash tone throughout. Both hosts pepper the conversation with banter, nostalgia, and genuine affection for working-class quirks and misadventures. No holds are barred—insults are loving, stories are honest, and the humor is always “self-proclaimed garbage.”

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Final Thoughts

This episode is quintessential “Are You Garbage?”—part roast, part confessional, all-out relatable. Whether you’re a longtime fan or a new listener, you’ll walk away with laughs, maybe a bit of self-recognition, and at least one strong opinion about how to tip at an open bar. And if you didn’t already know: never, ever leave your trash cans out.

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Transcript

[A]

Oh, baby. Hey, Texas. Hey, Florida. The boys are coming down to see you, so grab your tickets. They're the only shows we're gonna be doing in Texas and Florida, so grab some ticks and come see us.

[B]

Yeah. This March, we're gonna be at the creek in the cave in Austin, Texas. Tickets are going fast as well as side splitters in Tampa, Florida, baby, listen. Tampa and Austin, two great comedy towns. Get those tickets. We'll see you there.

[A]

Yeah. Welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage? The show where you find out if your fav comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R U Garbage. It's that little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that at the group to be classy. Just a big old piece of trash, trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, H. Foley. Coming at you on a beautiful day today. We're out back here. Toady's in a new edition. She just got herself a sweet new pellet gun.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Copperhead bullets, baby.

[B]

Look out. Those were for the bad kids. There was two different types of kids growing up when I was banging BB.

[A]

Guns and pellet guns.

[B]

BB gun guys, which I was. A little dirt under the fingernail, sure. You know, a little bit of a cowboy spirit. Then pellet gun kids. And those kids as a single parent.

[A]

Household man, always a buddy of mine. Put one in somebody's ankle, that was always a thing.

[B]

You had to dig it out. You got to dig it out.

[A]

Turns into a fucking field dressing at Gettysburg trying to get that out. My co host is coming at you from across the table. This is what we call the family episode. Just the boys, the bozos and the homies. He's a little sleepy, little gumpy, but always king of the burbs.

[B]

Not at all.

[A]

King of the insults. King of the slams, Kevin James. Brian.

[B]

Everybody just call me Brian. What's up? Everybody shout out to a man. You're needling me today and you know it. What's up, gang? Shout out to you as always, please make sure you rate view subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Also full video available over there on Spotify. Top 100. All podcasts across the board. Take that Golden Globes. Yeah, suckers. And obviously, does the golden Globes do the best, best podcast on Patreon because the boys are going to win over there. Patreon.com Are you garbage? Over 15,000 strong on air. We're talking boots on the frigging ground. Shout out to the homies.

[A]

A lot of product over there.

[B]

Five years of product.

[A]

A lot of gear.

[B]

A lot of gear. You go over here, talk about the wrong side of the tracks. That's Patreon.

[A]

Start blowing up our boats.

[B]

This is usually a non political show. Pugman's been watching a little bit too much news.

[A]

What? Since it is a family episode.

[B]

Nike track outfit on the big bad.

[A]

This is a family episode. We are obligated to take a cruise by the old corner office and say hi to the boss's son, Mr. Luke Dempsey.

[B]

Your obligations are waived. Do not worry, Mr. Foley.

[A]

No, thank you.

[B]

I don't know why you continue to go to him. He's never said anything. He's funny as a sniper from outside.

[A]

He.

[B]

You kick it to him. He panicked. He doesn't. He's not a showman.

[A]

What's going on, Luke?

[B]

I thought the obligations are way pretty good. Yeah. Now you went back to him. He got it with a decent line. You go back to him. Let me live.

[A]

What are you doing this weekend? I got something for both of you. All right. Trash behavior. Not the good kind either.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. I'm in a coffee shop this morning in the city, you know what I mean? I used to get my coffee, you know what I'm saying? Company card.

[B]

I figured you don't really like using your personal card for much.

[A]

They're writing it off.

[B]

Uh huh.

[A]

You are? Appreciate it. Me and my four friends.

[B]

I just got a text of a distant cousin asking for my number. My mom goes, whoa.

[A]

What'S he up to?

[B]

I don't know. But somebody wants something, I know that much.

[A]

Put a bunch of dollar sign, find it.

[B]

Just sends me a Venmo request.

[A]

Hope you're doing well too.

[B]

Okay. All right.

[A]

So very small place.

[B]

Hold on. You know it's bad when a family member, you also get the last name. Yeah, it's not just like Sean's asking for.

[A]

Sean Delancey?

[B]

Yeah. Who the fuck you know, My cousin Jimbo's nephew. The fuck out of here, Jim and me up.

[A]

My mother is the king of that. Talking to like the third generation of our family. Acting like they would know who, like, you know, Doreen Koreki is or see, remember Doreen Koreki talking about.

[B]

I know, it's always. It's always names out of like a fucking. They all sound like there's like it's a joke. They all sound like they're all the last names of the first guy who died. In Nam. You know what I mean? You know the click. It's like, who. They're all names you've never heard outside of your mother and your aunt referencing them.

[A]

My mom just did that with a picture from somewhere. One of my cousins ran into a guy that my dad grew up with and she shows us. I don't think I've ever seen the guy. If I did, I was a little kid.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

You know what I mean? I think I was trying to run to his house when I got ran. When I almost got ran over. Run across Kidder street when I was a young boy up there in Wilkes Barre. I feel like they might have pushed me.

[B]

Listen.

[A]

Trying to get rid of me.

[B]

I get it. Try to bump. Listen, how much time are they spending with you? Because it crosses everybody. You have a threshold of how much time you can spend with somebody till they go. It'd be a lot better if this guy wasn't around asking a lot of stupid fucking questions.

[A]

My cousin Joe always tells me that. I showed up at my aunt Mary Ellen's house one time and I took their phone and threw it in a fish tank.

[B]

You're a dick, dude. You were a born dickhead. Ah, cool. Phones. Cordless. Click. Fucking shock all the fish. Not only did you ruin a phone, you probably nuked a fish.

[A]

They had it coming. Yeah, I don't remember any of that stuff. I remember being a salt.

[B]

You have a. You have a very selective memory.

[A]

Anyway, she goes to my. My nephew. She's like, do you know who this is? And we're like, who the fuck is this guy? And she's. That's Bobby. I was your dad's friend. I gotta. Got him to go to Nam. Yeah, he got hurt.

[B]

That's. We do a. We do a very. What? What do you want? Yeah, what the fuck?

[A]

I'm killing over here. This whole thing on my back.

[B]

Yeah, right. Wait till you play your little segment now. You and Luke just took three hours to produce. It's not gonna go anywhere.

[A]

I don't know how to send that shit.

[B]

We did.

[A]

You gotta put it to a drive. Then you gotta send it an Amy email.

[B]

I was with my mom and my aunt when they got news of someone they knew passed. Right.

[A]

Recently?

[B]

Yeah, a couple weeks ago.

[A]

I'm sorry for your loss.

[B]

I mean, whatever. They're in their 70s.

[A]

It's, you know, that's kind of it, right?

[B]

What?

[A]

It's like Everybody's cool with 70s now.

[B]

I mean, I think that's pretty cool.

[A]

Still young. Get your whole life ahead of you. 70s, the golden years. 70s are only 20 years away from me, man. I ain't gonna make it.

[B]

It's a lot further than 20 years. Some would say unattainable.

[A]

No, they'll never make it.

[B]

It's gonna take a lot of zepbound to get you to the seven.

[A]

I might have had a little heart attack this morning, to be honest with you. There's a couple of things now that I'm creeping on 50 that like, I've never felt just weird sharp pains will just pop up in places.

[B]

That's great. That's what we wanna hear.

[A]

And I was doing my. I do my push ups on my kitchen sink. My head goes. I have a routine in the morning. I do a whole routine. Put the music on. I do my face. I do my, my. Do my cold face. Stick my face.

[B]

Yeah, let's do the stuff that matters. Let's focus on that.

[A]

I'm doing steady stretch out. And I do the Asian slaps to loosen up the lymph nodes.

[B]

Like you're fucking Bam Bam Bigelow. Good.

[A]

All the spots.

[B]

Couple of slap jobs like you're telling a runner to round third.

[A]

Throw my cat against the refrigerator, bounce back, crowbar them, and I banged them out. And then I was taking my pills and I got like a real sharp. It shot right through me. And I felt like a pain in.

[B]

My back for a minute. Yeah, that marble countertop you're doing or Formica, you got to be careful with whatever it was because that's not.

[A]

No, it's granite.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I think so.

[B]

Hard rock.

[A]

It's up against the wall. It's not going anywhere.

[B]

Just. Just saying the guy.

[A]

I got to push the building over.

[B]

Well, I mean, with the cheap labor these. With the cheap building materials these days. But no, they got news of someone passing and that's a very dirtbag thing that I watched them do for about 45 minutes is go through the whole family tree of. No, Marianne was Patty's sister. Patty was two years ahead of me. A little flower and then. No, she was the good basketball player. Right? Yeah. Did she marry. Did she marry Joe's brother?

[A]

She could have married the guy that ran the supermarket, though, but didn't go for it. I mean, it's got like four locations.

[B]

Wow. And they all. You're just like, what the. It sounds like something out of. Out of a movie.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Crazy. He passed. That's a sin. A lot of that's a sin. Well, she got diagnosed early. They caught it and then they went.

[A]

Came back Always comes back and came back.

[B]

That's tough. But they sat there and chopped it up. And I heard the whole. The. The.

[A]

It's crazy. Your mom don't smoke. Yeah, Peters would really stretch out her convos. Get her a nice 100.

[B]

Sure. Smoking now. She. We were talking about how we all quit. My brother, my brother quit and I quit. And we were talking. We're telling my aunt, we're like, yeah, we quit. And she goes, I didn't really know you smoked. I was like, lady, I showed up every crit when it smell like a goddamn ashtray.

[A]

You're more of a drinker.

[B]

Well.

[A]

Just glad you got off the dinner rolls, Fatty.

[B]

I do my push ups on my kitchen sink.

[A]

I do.

[B]

I'm sure the landlord loves that.

[A]

Landlord Superintendent.

[B]

Pipes are all kinked up behind that wall.

[A]

Who I still owe a grease to you.

[B]

And.

[A]

Yeah, I haven't. I haven't done my Christmas grease yet.

[B]

The way you operate, way deep in the.

[A]

You.

[B]

You operate like a pure. For somebody who thinks they're an operator, you operate like a pure bozo. Yeah, you really do.

[A]

Not good.

[B]

No bad.

[A]

Good at all. I got a grease, but I figured, you know, you spent all that money on holidays. They got a little something from Uncle Hank. Remember me? You know, Valentine's Day is coming up.

[B]

That's a real good way to spin it. Hey, remember when you needed cash? Well, better luck. You got it three months later and it's half of what I was going to give you.

[A]

That's money in the bank.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

I'm investing it for him. Give him the dividends. You know, dividends are money in the bank.

[B]

That's right, shorty, what you drink.

[A]

All right, so I'm at a coffee shop this morning, minding my own business. Now there's nobody in.

[B]

Now why. How is that a. How is that a company purchase?

[A]

I'm on my way to work.

[B]

That doesn't matter. You're not at work. You're by yourself.

[A]

I was talking to somebody about a podcast. I use my car, dickhead. Luke got this. I gotta break into this fucking coffee shop tonight.

[B]

Switch.

[A]

Switch the tapes and steal their.

[B]

Steal the POS system. Luke, do you know how to hack a toast machine by any chance? I do.

[A]

I was one of the first guys to use toast.

[B]

So you know how to hack one, huh? I just watched you try to shut your computer that you were real unsure about.

[A]

I had to make a hell of a blt. You'll think that.

[B]

What?

[A]

Dickhead?

[B]

What?

[A]

So there's nobody. So there's one table in the coffee shop. It's like six, seven people.

[B]

Six, seven, and they are fucking. You probably don't even know what. Do you know what that is? Huh? I. Not. I don't know it, but six, seven.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The kids are doing.

[B]

You want to know something really Anthrax. I was holding back for a while. What were you holding? Listen to Anthrax.

[A]

Pantera. I'm going to Lollapalooza this year, too.

[B]

I remember.

[A]

I need time off.

[B]

Dimebag Daryl was the coolest name I ever heard. I remember being. I was like seventh, eighth grade. When you heard Brain Exploded, I'm like, oh, you mean the coolest dude in the world got a dime bag, Darrell.

[A]

Dime bags.

[B]

That's because when you're getting into weed.

[A]

Dime. It's a dime bag.

[B]

I know, but like, yeah, that's the age up in seventh grade you're getting into weeds when you're finding music, some kill you. Dime bag there. I couldn't name you a one Pantera song.

[A]

How about how long you can make a dime bag last?

[B]

Not really. We did that thing where we smoked it all really quick. We didn't know. That's also the weed we were buying was very bad. Yeah. Popping.

[A]

And you were pushing that brick weed.

[B]

I had good weed.

[A]

No, you didn't.

[B]

What do you know?

[A]

What'd you have? If you did, I would have known about it. I would have came over and moved on. You had you working for me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Corner boy in it, up your pockets out. One sweatpant up, ass sticking out, probably.

[B]

Now you like it?

[A]

We get to my segment here.

[B]

Yeah, I'm trying.

[A]

You keep. And then you bury in the lead. You're building it up.

[B]

I'm not doing anything.

[A]

So I'm over at this coffee shop.

[B]

Now spending company money.

[A]

And it now is my card at an empty coffee shop. Okay.

[B]

It's so weird with that.

[A]

An empty coffee shop.

[B]

Where's my card?

[A]

People come in and they're just. Dude, they're talking plate of tape. This is what I walked into. I'm talking about the size of this table, small joint.

[B]

If this is someone recognizing you, that would be hilarious.

[A]

Sorry about that, folks. Buddy. Luke, play the tape, please. There's nobody in the place. As you see, six people.

[B]

I don't know who I'm listening to. Nobody.

[A]

You're listening to people talking real loud across the table over. Sitting over there.

[B]

Yeah. I gotta be honest with you. I gotta be honest. That just sounded like a normal New York coffee shop. So maybe no, maybe. Maybe you didn't capture it. Great.

[A]

It's my phone, man. The microphone doesn't. I can't talk to people on FaceTime. I have to use my headphones because it sounds like I'm on the submarine. Fuck. I really wanted that to work. Throw that in your face. You showed up late.

[B]

Real deep throat.

[A]

I had work done. I had that ready.

[B]

I didn't show, first of all, I know.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Well, you're you, you're guest bailed. You, you're collar. You lost. You lost your criminal.

[A]

Oh, so then you just stroll in.

[B]

Ah, I told you I was having some, you know, with the baby.

[A]

It's all about the baby.

[B]

You're very jealous and I respect it as a crazy guy got cash. He's also going through a phase where their brains developing so to stay sleep.

[A]

So am I.

[B]

Are you sure about that?

[A]

So the pains are.

[B]

Ah, I'm just getting smarter.

[A]

Did you ever go through growing pains?

[B]

I don't.

[A]

I mean I thought I was having a heart attack watching the great outdoors.

[B]

The movie.

[A]

I was in there on a date with this Broadway about sixth grade or something like that.

[B]

Sixth, seventh. Oh, and I wanted to tell you my mom wore a 6, 7 T shirt on Christmas Eve about that life.

[A]

Bring her pellet gun dirt ball.

[B]

Yeah. I was just like, she did it for the kids. It was like a.

[A]

Did she know what it meant?

[B]

I think she knows it's a thing. I think it doesn't mean anything.

[A]

It's just what the kids are doing. It's stupid.

[B]

This has the guy not involved in it. I mean we're like so far away from it being relevant and or cool.

[A]

But yeah, it's like the ice bucket.

[B]

I knew about it for months. Ice bucket challenge. Never get nominated for that later. I remember this girl. I nominate Kevin Ryan. I'm like, you think I'm first of all lady. I'm sleeping on the couch in Washington Heights.

[A]

I do the ice bucket challenge every morning when I shave it at Dunkin Donuts.

[B]

I don't even own a bucket, lady. Where the fuck you think I'm getting a five gallon bucket and ice dumping.

[A]

A bottle of water on your head?

[B]

I'll give myself a swirly pop back up.

[A]

So nothing on that. That was an impactful. That's a new segment here on the show. What's that sound?

[B]

And it ain't about music. That's loud, is it? Who? I don't know who I'm trying to listen to.

[A]

I told you six times. I'm in a Small coffee shop. There's a table of six people sitting over there and they're loud as shit.

[B]

Uh huh. Yeah. It's garbage behavior.

[A]

Play it again. Turn it up.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

You sandbagging me here because you had to do a little extra work? That's not loud. Stop it again. Turn it up.

[B]

It's cranked.

[A]

No, it's not.

[B]

That sounds just like I'm. Like I'm. Listen, I really wanted this to work out for you. I think you got a great. I think you got a great future in producing.

[A]

But I just field piece and that's why I put the coffees on the company card, because I was working.

[B]

This is all just. You're trying to think of something real quick. You're asking. Hey, you guys like podcasts? No. No. No. Okay. Hey, talk a little louder, will you?

[A]

Feel screaming in there.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Somebody else walks in lower. You would have been yelling at me if it was me.

[B]

Why do you bring me into.

[A]

Because I would have. If I would have been loud, I would have yelled at you too.

[B]

Okay. Why didn't you say that? Why is it me yelling at you?

[A]

I mean, she look like an asshole.

[B]

Fair enough.

[A]

Contractually obligated.

[B]

Yes. That is. I hate that behavior. I hate. We talk about this a lot. That there's, you know, I'm. I don't want anybody ever knowing what I'm saying. No, right. I don't know if that's just like the who. How we were raised. Whatever. Like you don't want anybody knowing nothing.

[A]

Yeah. Who's sitting around you?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Buddy of mine was saying that he was at the dinner with somebody and the table next to them were talking shop and they knew who they were talking about.

[B]

Buddies, huh? You got buddies?

[A]

Yeah, this was me. I didn't want to rat you out. All right. Keep my mouth shut. Kev, we got talking about acorns, baby.

[B]

Acorns. Acorns. Acorns.

[A]

Start putting that money away, gang. Acorns is a smart way to give your money a chance to grow.

[B]

Acorns is. Is easy.

[A]

You can sign up in minutes and start automatically investing your spare money. Even if it's a spare change, a.

[B]

Little dab will do.

[A]

You get it in there, get in the habit. Next thing you know, it's going to grow and grow and grow.

[B]

Yes, guys, I started using acorns a few years ago. It's been the only way I've been able. I'm saying this before they were even a sponsor is the only way I've been able to save money. I'm horrible at spending, saving money, spending money, the whole nine yards. But it takes a little bit of change every day. You can do a dollar a day, you can do $10 a day, a million dollars one, whatever you want. You can do the roundups. It just squirrels it away, takes it out. You got to get it out of your control because listen, we're all bad with money. Got to get it out of your control into just put your putting in another account. It sits over there and also it grows with acorns they smartly invest it. You can do moderate, you can do high risk, you can do low risk, whatever. It's fan friggin tastic. I can't recommend it enough. So sign up now and Acorns will boost your new account with a $5 bonus. Investment what I'm signing back up join over the 14 million all time customers. I'm one of them who have already saved and invested over $27 billion with acorns. A lot of money. I don't have the 27 billion DOL to acorns.com garbage or download the Acorns app to get started. This is paid client endorsement Compensation provides incentive to positively promote Acorns tier 2 compensation provided potential subject to various factors such as customers accounts, age and investment settings. Does not include Acorns fees. Result slash results do not predict or represent the performance of any Acorns portfolio. Investment results will vary. Investment involves risk. Acorn Advisors LLC, an SEC registered investment advisor. View important [e-mail] Garbage do it Kev.

[A]

Let's talk about Ultra.

[B]

Ooh, Ultra.

[A]

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[B]

That's why you want Ultra, guys. Most pouches elevate cortisol, raise blood pressure and keep your body in a constant stress state. Ultra pouches let you keep your pouches but with a cleaner kick. 90% of users saw significant improvements in their overall focus levels. Baby, I'm talking calm, steady, dialed in low state focus, enhanced memory, smooth energy, mood, balance all with zero nicotine and natural nootropics. Baby. It's trusted by top athletes, entrepreneurs and engineers around the world. Ultra is the ultimate guilt free pouch delivering instant focus and mental clarity without nicotine or caffeine. New customers can use the code garbage. You get 15% [e-mail]. that's take ultra.com for 15% off. Code garbage. After your purchase, they're going to ask you how you heard about them. Please support the show and tell them the boys sent you. We love you. I ever tell you that time the pandemic. It was in the pandemic. Places had just opened up. Have like very limited seating. And we went into patties. And this is the first time the comics are back inside having be hot dogs. That was still outside. The hot dogs were out. You had to order food in order to sit. So they started selling hot dogs. Which. Man, I did not mind that. At shitty bars because they had to give out food. They had to become a restaurant.

[A]

Steam dogs, man.

[B]

I would get your hot dog. They're like, legally, I gotta drop the hot dogs on the table. I go, not legally. Please do that. But I'm sitting and doing the back of Patty's at the table. There's like two tables in Patty. So we're back there and there's. And we're doing like an all time trashing session on comics, on me, you, everyone, everyone. You're just what we're doing. We're having beers inside. We're back, baby. And the table. The table sitting next across from us the whole time. And then I get up to leave. Like, big fan of the show, by the way. What the fuck?

[A]

Get out.

[B]

I was like, oh, man. You just heard inside the vault. Everybody was getting it.

[A]

Yeah, that's really the. Do our trashing in the vault.

[B]

Sure. Secret. Yeah.

[A]

Never let anybody outside the family know what you're thinking.

[B]

Huh?

[A]

Vito Corleone. Actually Mario Puzo because he wrote the film Book two.

[B]

Listen. Yeah, that's a. You know. I don't. But they were the only ones in the.

[A]

In the thing until I got in there.

[B]

I kind of give it to them then.

[A]

A little nobody. You tone it down when other people come in. I couldn't even think. I couldn't enjoy my drink that my friend had purchased.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Talking about you.

[B]

I know. I picked up on that. No, I listen. Yeah. I. That's shitty behavior.

[A]

No manners.

[B]

No manners.

[A]

We went back to.

[B]

Sir, do think there's also a thing too of like on the bus, on a subway, in. In public. There's rules to like spatial awareness. If you're sitting somewhere blasting your shit. If you're snow. Not even that. If you're just standing. I don't come and stand right here. If it's like you and then someone's over here. Like you cut the distance in half. You know what I mean? And then. Does that make sense? Yeah. You don't get in my personal space. You split the distance between the two people. It's like if you're at a urinal, you don't go to the urinal right next to the guy. You give a buffer. If there is a buffer.

[A]

I do. Next one.

[B]

Hey. A little peek, a little dabble. Do you.

[A]

My pants now too. They tend to just drop when I'm peeing. Somebody caught a shot of that Tommy C or something. Because they just come down because my belt's so heavy. My belt is so heavy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's like one of those diving belts.

[B]

You got the lead on it and stuff. That's what they do, right? And they like that. Like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm hovering.

[A]

I'd be so scared to put one of those on. You get a cramp or something, you're dead.

[B]

Yeah, but can't you just take it off?

[A]

If you're fucking bugging out. So you free. Your turtles are biting at you and shit. You swim with turtles? You don't swim with turtles? I swim with turtles.

[B]

I don't think they bite you. What the.

[A]

You're crazy. A sea turtle. Take your finger off. Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Things are aggressive.

[B]

Sure. How big do they get?

[A]

Big.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

£400. Right. Big sea turtles.

[B]

I touched one once in a while.

[A]

Yeah. It's bad news, man.

[B]

A guy got really mad at me.

[A]

Yeah. You don't do that shit.

[B]

What are we doing? You don't.

[A]

It's illegal. It's illegal.

[B]

Illegal. It's illegal. Listen.

[A]

What?

[B]

Your bad production pieces aside. We got a goddamn family episode on our hands. We have business to get to.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Ok. Ok. Speaking of family. This is from Cameron. Is it garbage for your mom to yell at a teacher at a parent teacher conference? Mom asked me to go wait in the hallway. Whoa. Next thing I know, she's screaming. That's wild.

[A]

I respect, you know, the. The gentleman's move. Why don't you go out in the hallway, check out the car.

[B]

Yeah. Let the adults talk.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

This was. I. We have a very. We had a very. Your teacher's.

[A]

Oh, I was never getting.

[B]

I think one. A lifetime one in our 12 years. You got.

[A]

They Your parents defended you or just.

[B]

That teacher just doesn't like you.

[A]

No, I never got that. But I know what you're saying.

[B]

It was that teacher just doesn't like you. Do you figure it out? You don't get to. We're not switching classes. I'M not fucking going to defend class. People would do that. Yeah. Never. I think if. I think.

[A]

What'd you do? You did something she doesn't like you.

[B]

Sure. Which was the. The original thought.

[A]

Yeah. Probably in there being fat and rude.

[B]

Which you were. Were.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But it was. It was like a life lesson of like that teacher just doesn't. Does not like you for whatever reason. Mostly my reasoning. You know.

[A]

My fourth grade teacher didn't like me because of my snacks. The snacks that I brought. She thought they were too indulgent.

[B]

That's a very astute observation. By that. Do you have that teacher's number by any chance? I'd like to give them a. What were you eating? A fucking meatball salad.

[A]

Tomahawk. No. For a long time. Hostess did these pies and they had eclair pies. I haven't told you this.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

And I just.

[B]

You talk about food in the past.

[A]

I had just moved to that school. We had just moved down. And it was my first time in a public school. You know what I mean? I was used. I was in a sheltered Catholic school before that. Nobody. Nobody took shots at you. Gentleman's rules. And we all sat in this big ass circle and you got to have your snack at snack time. And I had one of these hostess pies and she went, ooh, that's not a snack. That's a lunch.

[B]

The fuck? Bitch. There's the rest of your family coming to split.

[A]

That thing with you stung the shit out of me.

[B]

Yeah, I get that.

[A]

Fuck man. Little fat ass. You draw attention to me.

[B]

Look.

[A]

I'm not eating this in a coat room. Privacy.

[B]

I like to do my business and then go. Go through other people's belongings.

[A]

What's the private dining options in here? Ms. Cooper?

[B]

You guys have like a banquet room or something? I can go sit down.

[A]

She was actually cool as shit. But that one stung.

[B]

Yeah. That's. That's.

[A]

We got to have a big party at the end of the year. A big cookout. If we got enough marbles in the. In the jar. I don't know what that was about.

[B]

Did you get enough marbles? Yeah. Wait. Was it bird kid? Ms. Cooper. I ate my marbles again. You're like Ralph Wiggum, dude. How have we never put that together? Your fingers stuck up your nose and shit. And I'm Bart Simpson. Obviously. I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?

[A]

Yeah. We had a cookout.

[B]

Big bass for the class.

[A]

For all class. Yeah. Wings. And it was nice wings.

[B]

That's wild.

[A]

Yeah, it was cool.

[B]

Chicken wings at an elementary school birthday party. What the. Is it a Bill's tailgate?

[A]

A fish fry?

[B]

All right. 10 bucks a plate, y'.

[A]

All.

[B]

You're there with your Stacy Adams.

[A]

I'm working the grill.

[B]

You're an old black dude.

[A]

Your mama coming? I was asking.

[B]

Tell Ogle. Everybody was asking about her.

[A]

I just rewatched Friday the other day. That plate that he brings back to Laurence Fishburne at the cookout looks so good. Right before he cuts his hair.

[B]

Did I tell you my brother was just telling me about the. I think I might have off air. Was telling me about. He's got the apron with the big hog on it. And he was like, dude, look what I like. I was just like, man, funniest thing I've ever seen.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Oh, God. Yeah, I know teachers now.

[A]

It's different.

[B]

It's crazy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's absolute fucking bananas.

[A]

It's got to be brutal to be a teacher or a coach now. Brutal.

[B]

Yeah. It's a lot of, like, you need to apologize to the student that's the parents to. It's like, actually, the kid sucks. I know multiple teachers who are. Have looked outward for other employment, different industries. Yeah. I think, well, it's changed. It's.

[A]

Not to mention half of them got to have a moonlighting gig.

[B]

I think it's obviously bartending, and a lot of them pay for a lot of the stuff in the. You know, in their classroom. That's crazy. Yeah. But, like, I think it's obviously, like, every generation, it changes. Back in my day, like, my mom tells you, like, the nuns would fucking beat the shit out of you. Stuff like that. But I think it's changed so drastically in the last 20 years that it's like. It's really jumped the shark. And a lot of people are like, I know multiple teachers who are like, I'm done teaching. I'm gonna go just get a fucking job doing whatever these kids. Yeah. It's just too much of, like, hey, I have to. I have to write a letter to parents to apologize for, like, asking the student where their hall pass was or whatever.

[A]

It's fucked up. My mom would have never backed me up. Never.

[B]

No, I never got it. I got.

[A]

And there was a lot of sorry to cut you off. There's a lot of. There was a lot of questions, a lot of friction because I was stupid.

[B]

No. Yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Undiagnosed a couple of things. ADHD, my glasses, all that shit.

[B]

Diabetes. Ms. Cooper, I can't feel my toes.

[A]

Miss Cooper, do you smoke Burning grass or burning toast?

[B]

Having a stroke even that up. Burning grass.

[A]

That's why I did my first play, Cybertron Oz. We did. We did a play.

[B]

Cybertron Oz.

[A]

Yeah. We were able to like put a play together. So we combined Transformers and Wizard of Oz.

[B]

And you've been swinging out from an early. Even striking out from an early age.

[A]

I had to play the uncle. I got killed like the first two minutes.

[B]

Megatron, he kept trying to come back to life and steal this show.

[A]

Zombie. I am a zombie robot. Get him off.

[B]

Lay down. Back to the back. Eating crab services. Trying to do solos.

[A]

Yeah, Cybertron house. You gotta had some legs on it. I thought about taking to the West End, but.

[B]

Yeah, it wasn't a big West End.

[A]

Wilkes Barrel, Western London dickhead. Sort of do all the cool plays.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Broadway's dead. You over the West End. That's where you do it.

[B]

Okay. Sure.

[A]

Do you wanted to walk the boards?

[B]

Yeah. I never was. Was never defended. I remember that was a life lesson was in high school, my mom was going like, you just have to deal with this. Like, if he doesn't like you, you need to modify your behavior to make this work. Because this is what it is. I mean, none of if that shit made it to my dad. It was like, I feel like he.

[A]

Would maybe defend you.

[B]

No, no. It was also. He was just like this. He was a very big proponent of like, this does not fucking matter. Like, he had like. I mean, he had bigger problems than fucking Mr. Jacobs. Breaking my balls.

[A]

Fatter fish to fry.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

No pun intended. Sure.

[B]

So he was like, what the fuck? He was just like, just figure it out.

[A]

Can't handle some fucking social studies teacher, you pussy.

[B]

Yeah, how you know how you're going.

[A]

To act on a job site?

[B]

How you can act when the state comes after you? How are you going to act when the fed start closing, change your grade.

[A]

And you shut up?

[B]

Yeah, it was very, very much like.

[A]

Just, you know how to sign my name by now.

[B]

Figure it out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Which I wish I could show it, but his handwriting was so bad.

[A]

Your dad's. Dude, my dad's was bad too.

[B]

I'll have to show you where me and my brother at an early age started getting called down to the office for forging his signature. His. Dude, his cursive was like a second grader, like. But perfectly bad, if that makes sense.

[A]

I got you like huge.

[B]

And they, they would be like, what is this? Every. Every new school? Like Junior high. They'd be like, what the fuck is this?

[A]

He's in class with you next week.

[B]

You'd have to go, hey, I know.

[A]

Blue collar guy.

[B]

Lady, you can call them, you can do whatever. But, like, that's. They would have it on file because then the teacher would call the office and go, we have forged. Like, he's forging his dad's signature on something. And they'd go, no, rats. That's. That's his. But then once that happened, I learned this from Danny once that. Once the whole. Everybody knew it was bad, then you could forge the shit out of it. Because they go, oh, this is bad. Kevin's dad's got a bad signature.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So that's how you. That's how.

[A]

A hankering for butter, too. All over this test paper.

[B]

Hey, we were a margarine family.

[A]

Yes, you were.

[B]

With crumbs in it.

[A]

Ooh, a little extra. Little crunchies. Man, I hate when it does that in the eggs. That's the only time it bugs me out.

[B]

Oh, not on a pan.

[A]

Yeah, because I was at my mom's and her butter dish is gross.

[B]

I think the clinical term is nasty.

[A]

Dude, I don't know what she's doing in there. Looks like wolves got at it. And. Yeah, I'm trying to do a couple eggs. Fucking. There's a bunch of little, like a. I thought it was mouse shit. There's a little rye seed flavor.

[B]

Savor the flavor, baby, because it sure is all. Won't happen again. I used to clean it off. I used to, like, take a knife, clean it so I can get some fresh.

[A]

Would you do with that butter?

[B]

What?

[A]

Slap that on you? Throw it out.

[B]

No, I don't want to eat other people's.

[A]

If it's on toast, I'm okay with it. Really.

[B]

I didn't fuck with that. Also too. If there was jelly in the peanut butter, there was hell, Mom. I walk up, I open her bedroom door. Fuck, you call this.

[A]

Stick it in her eye, like in this boy's leg.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I respect the mom for putting them outside. I respect the mom for standing up for the kid. But 100%, that only goes so far.

[B]

I think that it's a good life lesson to learn. Listen, if the mom straighten somebody out.

[A]

Get the kids out of the room.

[B]

Yeah. One. That's true. Also to, like, stand up for yourself. If you think. If. If she thinks the kid's being treated wrong to an extent. Not that it happens. Listen, if this is. If your mom is. If you have a problem with every teacher or your mom's yelling at every teacher, you guys are a fucking problem. But I think once where it's like, yeah, hey listen, there is a time of, you know, where justice needs to prevail and put my fucking foot down. Listen, you don't talk to me like that. You know, whatever, whatever the transgression was is sometimes you got to fucking choke a bitch. Shout out. My buddy Biggie said that one time, sometimes you got to choke a bit.

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Kevin's Talk about Chime.

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Learn [e-mail] M365Copilot yeah, there was a lot of. They couldn't. I mean, I think in their hearts they knew what was that I was just dumb. But you know, my reading comprehension, acting out in class, overabundance of snacks at snack time. So they were. They wasn't just cut and dry like my parent teacher things. I'd be in there till like 10 o'.

[B]

Clock.

[A]

Everybody's gone. I'm still sitting out there fucking in the hallway and they're getting an earful.

[B]

Yeah, mine were always tense too, if both of my pick because that was sometimes the only time those two were in the same room.

[A]

Why'd you need both of them to go? I don't know if my dad ever went.

[B]

Yeah, they would go, man. And that was like you'd be on eggshells waiting to see what the fucking report was when they came home. He's just being like, man or dude, I hope this.

[A]

So you caused your parents divorce, huh?

[B]

For everybody's sake, man.

[A]

Would they gang up on you?

[B]

Oh, at times, yeah. Yeah, yeah, of course. I mean, also, I was a piece of to an extent. You know what I mean? I wasn't fucking preaching to the class. I know you know what I mean? Like, but you were. You lack. I. I'm assuming then for sure you lack the awareness that you are being a problem.

[A]

No, I knew a little bit.

[B]

Yeah, not enough because you don't know. You don't know enough now.

[A]

You don't have any charm. I had charm.

[B]

What are you talking about?

[A]

I'd do a song in a day. Adult people laughing.

[B]

Adults loved me. What adults love. I would sit there and chop it up with my. The parent. They. They would all go, Kevin. No way. Kevin does that. I'm in there doing fucking pr. I still hang out with Pat's dad.

[A]

That's true. Big Kev, were you guys friends when you were that little?

[B]

Yeah, me and Pat been friends since you're like, I don't know, second grade or something like that.

[A]

No kidding.

[B]

7, 8, 10, 9, something. Yeah, old school. Old school.

[A]

You got any boys like that? Yeah, that's like Jerry, Jared, Manderhoff.

[B]

It was also like 10 years ago.

[A]

I know high school.

[B]

It's like you played it to the teachers you got. You found the cool ones. I was tight with the guidance counselor, Mr. Monroe. I never got that. The people who were tight with the guidance counselors, they were narcs. To me. It's like, you're not a kid, but you're not a teacher. I don't trust you. For me, I remember they to graduate, I like, the last week I had to go talk to like, she's like, you've never talked to me in four years ago. It's fine. But talk to you for. Lady, I got enough. I got my fucking parents breathing down my neck. Not to mention Mr. Jacobs fucking stammering around, breaking my fucking balls. You think I need to come down here once a month and talk to you, entertain you?

[A]

How are things at home? What do you want from me?

[B]

I never.

[A]

Can you get this jelly out of my peanut butter?

[B]

One of the bigger things was I was getting parking tickets because I could drive. Where at school, they would write you $10 parking tickets if I didn't have a parking because I could.

[A]

How fat were you?

[B]

He's taking up two spots. Hey. Lordy.

[A]

Double parked in the hallway.

[B]

Well, you could drive. You weren't allowed to drive in 10th grade parking.

[A]

Didn't you have a parking lot?

[B]

We did.

[A]

So.

[B]

I'm not fucking. I'm not a metered parking. Hey, keep it up front, will you? I'mma go hit. I'm gonna go hit this badminton game and fucking roll out.

[A]

So how would you get a parking ticket?

[B]

They would check. You had to have a parking permit to park at school.

[A]

Oh, we didn't have any of that.

[B]

Yeah, that probably after the, you know. Yeah. After your generation, more people were probably driving and stuff like that. So.

[A]

Yeah, senior year I had my spot too. Everybody knew not to touch it.

[B]

Yeah, it's because the car was broken down in it.

[A]

Mom's sleeping in it.

[B]

Corolla on cinder blocks. Yeah, everybody wanted to steer clear. Hey, don't scratch your paint. You're missing a door, buddy.

[A]

Your mom asking for a jump when she dropped you off, so.

[B]

No, I was. I could drive in high school. In 10th grade, I guess towards the end of 10th grade, I was able. I was 16 and able to drive, but I didn't have a parking burn. But I would drive anyway. I wanted to catch my heaters in the morning.

[A]

Understandable.

[B]

And so I would park and they would write you tickets. Like they would check once a week and I would. So I'd get parking tickets. And they were ten dollar parking tickets. I had like fourteen of them or something. And they called me in, sat me down.

[A]

Community service.

[B]

And they're like, you've had the most parking tickets of anybody ever. Thank you very much. And we were big into cards at this point, like gambling. So I had a couple of shekels on me, okay? Probably 200 on me.

[A]

What do you need, huh? Make this go away.

[B]

Hey, I did that.

[A]

And the jack of spades falls out of your pocket, Mr. Greenland.

[B]

I think the look on his face was like. Like, I just bought off the guards, dude. He was like, what the fuck? I pulled out. I pulled out a lot of twenties.

[A]

Get yourself some lunch, huh?

[B]

There you go. What is it, 140 guys? I'm good for you. Take care of the Mrs. Secretary week coming up, you know what I mean? Oh, if you don't mind, last night.

[A]

She was telling me she wants a scarf, huh?

[B]

I'm gonna go hit my second lunch. See what you guys got cooking in the teacher's lounge.

[A]

Tell me if there's any talent at the volleyball game too, huh?

[B]

Yeah, that was your good kids. That was a behavioral issue. Mine was never really great. It was behavior. It was like me being a dick.

[A]

Broken home.

[B]

That's key, kid. All right, let's see here.

[A]

Rock and roll music. Maury Povich, Sure. Plus you were all jacked up on carbohydrates and simple sugars.

[B]

Really? Wawa sizzlies and French vanilla cappuccino. Man, I did not diet.

[A]

Fructose corn syrup pumping through them veins, man. A lot of Dino nuggets and Dunkaroos.

[B]

I would crush that bagel. My dad would take me to Wawa every morning. I'd crush a bagel with butter. And at one point, I remember he goes, I do half the bagel. What are you nuts? Guy, I didn't know that there was a cause and effect of the amount of carbs and margarine I was eating. Whip, that was the first time I seen whipped butter.

[A]

Hey, once you get your wife back, huh?

[B]

Hey, next parents teacher conference, why don't you fucking dress up a little bit? Make a move on a lady.

[A]

These two Christmases are bullshit.

[B]

I Know you guys are just fucking buying the same amount of presents. Splitting them up over two houses. Oh, God. All right, let's see here. This one's from Pack Rat. Ten Dollar Homie. Was it a gentleman's move? When you come upon a freshly mopped floor, I feel like you should stay as close to the walls as possible and use as few steps as necessary. Man, I'm on my tiptoes too.

[A]

Great. Especially if the guy's there. Sorry, sir.

[B]

Sorry about that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Your specs. Fresh clean floor. Not to mention you take a fucking header on one of those.

[B]

I remember my mom would be doing the. We'd be like out playing hockey or something in the summer. My mom, she would mop.

[A]

Yeah, we'd maybe get that. That shitty one. I don't remember my mom mopping a lot.

[B]

Your place is a sty.

[A]

Peanut shells.

[B]

Your mom had to be mopping.

[A]

I guess something.

[B]

I mean, my mom was a mopping fucking weekly. Two, three. You know what? Whenever we did a clean, she would mop. And I remember have it. Which, see, it was just. I guess I was young, so it was my perception of time. She'd mop the kitchen and we had to feel. I feel like we had to stay outside for three days. Like you key. Hey, the floor's wet. I'm like, well, I gotta fucking. I gotta go to the bathroom. Oh, tire pickering. And not like you just fucking jammed up in the garage out of looking for air conditioning. Middle of August. Jammed up one of them diet iced teas. Brutal.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Respecting the mop. The school floors were always nice. But they're a nice fresh mop. And that smell to them.

[B]

I told you I used to work the Zamboni at the Acme.

[A]

Nothing better than that.

[B]

That man powered. Get a nice good, clean work the edges.

[A]

Cruise by the frozen food section. Get lost in there. You got frostbite on you.

[B]

I gotta tell you, I went back to the Acme I worked at recently when I was back home for the holidays.

[A]

Nice. That you worked at. As a plumber or as you worked at. As a. As a grocery person.

[B]

Customer service. Customer service representative. And one hour photo technish.

[A]

Anything spicy?

[B]

Now, I wanted. I told you I wanted to. I like, called the manager over and it was a fingernail. No, it was. It was bodies. It was like blood and bodies. I thought it was a crime scene. I thought I blew the case.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Open independent film.

[A]

Ah, they would have killed you.

[B]

But the first couple, I was like, what the fuck? And I saw the cameras And I. I don't think they're, you know, shooting on.

[A]

But stick your headshot in there.

[B]

The urge. The urge in me to tell people I worked there was overwhelming. Was so overwhelming to grab a high school kid that I was the high school kid.

[A]

They do produce. Yeah, yeah, Dip. Produce.

[B]

Back when I was here, Band aids were in aisle 14.

[A]

Clear ones. You believe that? Clear band aids.

[B]

This is. I was here when they put this self checkout in. That was a day to remember I wanted to fucking.

[A]

They still got that robot rolling around. Had a tasty relationship with her for a little while.

[B]

At one point. That was me. I was the robot. But yeah, there was just something in me to be like I used to have back when I was banging here. Something. Something in me. Yeah, that dirt bag. Dirt bag.

[A]

Funny, I had that instinct this morning because it was busy at the coffee shop and when I worked at Snack Taverna, that was basically a coffee shop in the morning. And it was for the who's who in a West Village. So pressure. And I was almost, you know, I know what it's like.

[B]

Yeah. You still do that. Do I? Who do I do that to? I feel like you did that at that restaurant in la. I used to.

[A]

I used to know what, those guys at Marvin.

[B]

Yeah, fuck those guys. But like we said, you want them to know by the language you use and your behaviors, you don't come out and say you were in the shit. But you. You got your purple heart on strike. This.

[A]

Yeah, 86 me.

[B]

Hey, is this 86? Yeah.

[A]

No, I don't do that.

[B]

Make me sound like an asshole.

[A]

That was those guys, plus a couple other factors.

[B]

Okay, and we're back. All right, this one's from Brian. Real trashy spelling. B R Y O, N O. Byron. Brian.

[A]

B R Y O N. Brian. Brian.

[B]

I think it's just Brian. Brian. That was a robot's name. Brian. Are you garbage? If you leave your trash cans at the end of the driveway all week and then take your trash out from the house down there on trash day. That's brutal. That's. As the king of the burbs.

[A]

Yeah, people don't like that. It's funny what neighbors don't like and don't say anything about. They don't like that. I don't know why they don't like that.

[B]

It's a lit. I feel it right now, though, you know, when I. When I'm in the burbs, you notice it. You're. As a homeowner, you're more aware of it's. Like the keeping up with the Joneses. You don't want to be the only guy with your trash cans blowing around.

[A]

Because they lawn all fucked up. Yeah, that's got to be you.

[B]

No, it's gotta be. Why?

[A]

Crab grass and dandelions everywhere. Fucking dog shit all over the place. That hunk of car sitting there.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Your dumb ass coming out, huh? That's all.

[B]

Anything else.

[A]

Your big head coming through the windows.

[B]

Dog going nuts. I did it as a kid. And we would catch a fucking ration of shit of leaving them. I'd walk by them home from the bus. I ain't fucking bringing it.

[A]

You work here.

[B]

You walked right by the trash cans. Yeah, I come home from all day fucking working. This is what I want to see.

[A]

Fucking student athlete lady. Get out of my face.

[B]

I bust out a lot of 20. What's this gonna cost me? Clean this thing up a little bit.

[A]

It's about money, huh?

[B]

Yeah, that was, that was. And I never understood it as a kid but I. You gotta get them that day overnight is bad because they start blowing the fucking. The raccoons get in there and stuff like that.

[A]

We've talked about this but I look back on that stuff. It's like why was I such a lazy piece of shit? Doing that stuff now is. You don't want to take some load a dishwasher about three seconds. Yeah, grab the trash. You like like doing it. Not even my house. I do for the old bro when I'm down here, you know.

[B]

Uh huh.

[A]

So you just. Good guy just could have done that shit. I would have saved so many arguments and stress for them and. But that stuff that it led to and then the fights and the yelling and the.

[B]

I remember on trash we'd have to go. We'd have to go collect the trash from like the bathrooms upstairs. That might as well been in India to me. We'd all be watching tv. Bunch of Q tips, cotton balls with God knows what on them. What the is it?

[A]

Feminine hygiene napkins?

[B]

They were mine. But yeah, you're just like. I remember like dumping something be stuck on the bottom and you're like well that's fucking tomorrow's. I'll get yelled at tomorrow for that. I remember being scared of my parents room too going. It was like a turn and I could. You couldn't see the hallway from the bathroom. I crumba.

[A]

I remember those maxi pads when I was a kid.

[B]

They were.

[A]

He was like a helix gave you a rash. I couldn't figure out what the.

[B]

That was I still don't know.

[A]

I was just applicated.

[B]

Applicate.

[A]

Applicated.

[B]

And these things taste funny. Take them in for snack time. Ms. Cooper.

[A]

I've told you about Ms. Cooper before.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Shout out to her lovely woman.

[B]

All right, let's see. This is a home run of a name. Talk to me. This is from the Chicken Parmaceuticals.

[A]

Chicken.

[B]

An all time. All time name. $10, blue collar. Are you garbage? If you were almost run over by the ice cream man and were given a free soft pretzel in order to buy my science. Silence.

[A]

That would have cost you way more than that with me.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

No, come on. There was a step. There were steps to that. The ice cream man. There'd be a pretzel and a soda.

[B]

I don't think our guy had pretzels. I don't think so. You never kitchen back there.

[A]

We had pretzels.

[B]

I think we just had the standard. It was like the van with the top on it with the joke. Probably. Yeah. But then they went. Then they went. Yeah, they went rogue. At some point they were all like.

[A]

The mob lost control of them or something like that. It was every man for himself, huh? Need order.

[B]

They never came to my neighborhood when.

[A]

They got Bumpy Johnson in Harlem. Every man for himself. Chaos out there in the streets, Frank. Not to mention they're chopping up the ice cream at the police station and selling it back to us.

[B]

I know. You watched this week.

[A]

What watch King of Comedy, Jerry Lewis. No more. There's only like, two or three more dramatic Jerry Lewis performances. One is something called him as a clown in concentration camps that they held for like, 73 years or something. He's so good in dramatic roles. Yeah. That's all I got.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But, yeah, I do watch American Gangster.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Sorry.

[B]

All right. Okay.

[A]

You didn't see the jar, Kippy.

[B]

I saw the jar, bud. I had a friend get run over when we were kids. Fucked his ankle up pretty badly. I think he got like 250 or 300 grand that he had to wait until he was 18.

[A]

Soft pretzel.

[B]

I mean, I think if it didn't. If you weren't that injured. If I wasn't, like, hurt to the point where you're like. Because, listen, this is what used to happen. I. From growing up with an older brother where you'd fight if you didn't have any proof. It's not what you know, it's what you can prove. I watch Training Day.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

It's not what you know it's what you can prove. So if I. Yeah. Say I got nicked by the car. Well, let me see it. And if there's nothing to show, there's no blood, there's no bruise, there's no. I gotta go get X rays.

[A]

Kiss that pastry strudel goodbye.

[B]

Yeah. So at that point, unless I'm bleeding, I'm really hurt, a fucking foot's going the wrong way or something. I gotta get what I can get. And everybody knows I like a nice soft Prezi. Yeah, maybe I. Maybe I'd get like a. I need a screwball. Yeah. Firecracker kicker or something like that.

[A]

Something sweet and fruity to wash that down with. With which a Popsicle and a soft pretzel did go very well together.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Similar to a soft pretzel and a Slurp Coca Cola.

[B]

That's the only reason. The only. The only time I liked going to 7:11 over Wawa was to get that Coca Cola and their warm pretzels. Because Wawa didn't have warm pretzels. Crazy, right?

[A]

It's crazy wild. And it could throw in a fucking slushy machine. Sheets as a flush.

[B]

They had the icy machine.

[A]

Oh, they do.

[B]

They. I don't know if they still do, but for a while they had the red and blue. Just the red and blue icy.

[A]

I see.

[B]

Whereas 711 had Slurpee. I don't know if Wawa has it anymore, though.

[A]

I sees. Have that like bubbly.

[B]

I love. I love both for different reasons. Truly. That blue raspberry was kick your dick.

[A]

In good blazer when blue raspberry dropped. That really changed. Open up a lot of doors for people.

[B]

What do you got?

[A]

Still got the icy machine.

[B]

Still got the icy machine.

[A]

No kidding.

[B]

I haven't done icy in so long.

[A]

Let's go. I wanted to tell you this, which I might have told you, but I'd had my brother dead to rights one time. Talk about evidence. I was the same way. If I didn't. If I didn't have something to pin it on him, they wouldn't believe me. Then I'd get it worse from my parents. They're lying about you. But usually he had a common.

[B]

Yeah, usually ended. Ours usually ended in. You're five years older than him. What are you doing?

[A]

Yeah, yeah. This was over.

[B]

We were the same size. If not, I had him. I had him in. I had the weight advantage for a couple of years.

[A]

You were giving him your old clothes. Pack of Razzles.

[B]

Get you every time.

[A]

My best cases. Ice cream guy pulls up was the only day my mom was off from work. I don't know why. It was this summer she was off from work. We were just talking about this over the holidays. My brother got something. I got a pack of Razzles. And me and Rodney, my. My buddy Rodney, we went down to the creek over at town line, and we were. Whatever. And there was a bridge that went over the creek. My brother's like, give me a pack of them. Give me some of them Razzles. You know what Razzles are?

[B]

No.

[A]

Candy gums. Starts as candy, turns into gum.

[B]

So gimmicky. Hate it.

[A]

Great.

[B]

What? That stuff? It's never good candy or it's never good gum. You're idiots, right?

[A]

Anyway, figure out what you are. My brother throws a mud pie at me. You know what a mud pie is?

[B]

A whoopee pie?

[A]

No, like a mud ball.

[B]

Never had a whoopee pie. Shout out to Jolt and Joe List. One of my all time favorite lines.

[A]

Hits me with a mud pie or a mud ball, which had a rock in it.

[B]

I don't got to make it food.

[A]

I don't know. If I didn't know, if he realized.

[B]

He would have.

[A]

Hit me with a ham bone.

[B]

Hit me with a mud penny a.

[A]

La vodka stains all over.

[B]

That's not gonna come out.

[A]

Hit me in the head. There was a big rock in it. Fucking split my head open. I was gushing blood.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

Man. First of all, I thought I was dying. This kid, Kurt Rakowski, who was with my brother, accomplice to the crime, was very nice. I was like. I was freaking out. I was like, kurt, am I gonna die? He's like, nah, you're not gonna die. You need some stitches. But you're gonna be all right. Once I hear. Once I give me some Razzle.

[B]

My last wishes.

[A]

Once I heard that, I switched operations to fucking. How can I.

[B]

Victim mode.

[A]

Screw my brother. I went into the house. My Lord, blood everywhere. My mom freaked out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Watch whatever I wanted on TV that night.

[B]

The news. Operation Desert Storm.

[A]

Throwing that Tom Brokoff for a half an hour. Waiting me find what the hell's going. Find out what the hell's going on in the world. That's what my parents used to.

[B]

All right, let's see here. This one's from Tom. Are you garbage? If you put a 20 into the tip jar at an open bar for your first drink, then you remind the bartender you already tipped. Heavy. Every time you get a refill, you're almost there. You're almost there. I agree.

[A]

You have to give it to them. You give it to them. You say, here you go. That's for you. Tip. Fuck the tip jar.

[B]

I'm a little bit off. Up. I don't think you need to give it to them. I think it's a little tacky to give it to them.

[A]

You want them to know.

[B]

I know. But you can make them know with the tip jar. Here you go. That's for you. Slow windmill. Dominic Wilkinson.

[A]

Snap at it.

[B]

Yeah. You give him a half. There's another half on that.

[A]

And he's got. Stay back.

[B]

I agree with that. If you hit him heavy enough, you need a little bit of confidence that he remembers you. Of course he does. So you just got. And I know it's weird to go. To not remind him. And you want to remind them because you don't want to feel like a cheap. Like you're stiffing him.

[A]

That's why you hand it to him and you know he's going to remember you. It's a transactional relationship. Kevin.

[B]

Sure. You pulled the move. I loved. Kippy said, I'm good at what he said, where's the tip jar?

[A]

And then where were you?

[B]

Is that your wedding? And we're back. Yay. Where's the tip jar? Yeah. Boom.

[A]

There was no tip jar.

[B]

I still give.

[A]

I set that up and greased everybody after stiffed.

[B]

One for you, one for you.

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay, guys getting way too defensive.

[A]

Gentlemen's move.

[B]

I would probably push back on. They probably would have made more money if they were getting tipped by the general public for sure.

[A]

I could guarantee you that. And you could take that to the bank.

[B]

Don't you still owe your tip to your super at the moment? So you can take that to the lying department.

[A]

So we get them on Zell, I think.

[B]

Yeah. Just make sure they see it and then live in it for a while. And then you gotta. It depends on how many times you're going up the complexity of your order. And then you give them a little bit of reinforcement. Doesn't have to be a 20 again, obviously, but maybe a 5, a 10. Just something to go. If let's say you go, you hit him with the 20, you go get five, drink five rounds. Two couple hours later, tip him again to know, hey, I'm still here. We're still boys. I'm still talking to you. You know what I mean? That's what you do.

[A]

Then you ask him if he knows anybody in the air.

[B]

You know, a guy who can be here. Does he work on credit? I'm kind of Light on cash at the moment. Can you break a 50? Yeah, but I get that is the gentleman's move to tip heavy up front. And then, you know, they're always. They always remember you a little bit more.

[A]

But sometimes, like the teachers, a bartender can sometimes just be a dick 100%, and they're still dragging ass with the 20 in the cup. And you got to be. You treat me like a fucking dickhead over here. You got a button in there and a 20. I gave it a 20.

[B]

You know what they do as well? We do. We. We have ours at a hall. Our Christmas party at a hall. And I've always shocked by this behavior.

[A]

That's right. You would not let me come to that.

[B]

Remember, to my family only Christmas party. Yeah. I invited you Christmas day.

[A]

To your house.

[B]

To my aunt's house. Yeah, I want to go to that. I want to go to the one I can't go to. Yeah. No, no. There's nobody but family members there.

[A]

Family. Uncle Hank pushing in front of a car. He already tried that.

[B]

He better kill me. Better have a soft pretzel.

[A]

I'll sue this out of you.

[B]

They take screwball to Superman.

[A]

Band Aid, please.

[B]

I respect the move because you'll get tipped more. They take cash out and keep the tip jar, like a quarter full.

[A]

Everybody does that.

[B]

I know. Yeah. I respect him saying. I respect that. Keep appearances up like you're a starving artist. Yes. Homeless guys do that too, of course. Can't be sitting there with a shaking a cup of 15 grand in there going, oh, times are tough. Okay. Speaking of open bars and weddings, this one's from the head. Interned a little bit of a situation they got here. I wrote a check for a wedding gift, but forgot to sign it.

[A]

Nice. Hey, like the move.

[B]

Me too, big guy. Wink, wink. The bride reached out a couple of weeks later and said the bank wouldn't let them deposit it because it wasn't signed. How do you feel about that?

[A]

That sounds like a. Your problem, honey. The chicken was overcooked. Just sign my name. Go to a different teller. That's what I would say.

[B]

But I don't love the reaching out is. It's a me personally thing. I feel like I'm asking for money, and I've done that a lot. And I don't. I feel like I'm. I'm coming from a position of I need this. And I get that. The person wrote you a. Gave you a gift, and it means a lot to them. Like, I understand the gift giving aspect of it, but for Me to ask is, is that something my wife. And maybe this guy had his wife do it.

[A]

Yeah, yo, for sure. The wife definitely wasn't connected to this guy. It was the husband's friend or whatever.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

She don't mind? Yeah, she's, you know, they're nesting. Whatever, you know, because it says the bride.

[B]

It didn't say my friend reached out. This dumb broad hit me up on my day off. I'm trying to relax, enjoy myself.

[A]

You cash that yet?

[B]

Calls me a deadbeat. Oh, freeze. I gotta freeze my account. I got a couple of things in the air.

[A]

Fraud, Fraud. Calling San Dan Terre right now.

[B]

My money got tied up in a gold deal that went south. I'm not really liquid.

[A]

Lehman Brothers check. Nothing on it.

[B]

You've been quoting a lot of financial crimes recently. Yeah, so it says. Okay. Would it be because it wasn't signed, so we had to sell them the gift instead, which I'm on record is saying, finding a checkbook, a card, signing it, we should be able to just. Zell, the non emotionalist thing. I get that it's not the best, but it's for convenience.

[A]

Yeah, I would have wanted. I'd need a copy of that check being ripped up, though.

[B]

He says the problem was I forgot how much we gave as a gift. This guy must have a couple of bucks. And I know how much everybody's gotten. Is it garbage to ask them how much the check was for so I don't accidentally send less than the original check amount?

[A]

Nice.

[B]

Or do I play it safe and overshoot it?

[A]

Ooh, gentlemen, this guy is a joke.

[B]

He's got a couple of bucks. Because if you can just blindly overshoot.

[A]

Who's this feller here?

[B]

This is the head intern.

[A]

Get this guy in here working or. I was working for him.

[B]

Yeah, something. I mean, writing checks and not knowing how much they're for. I can tell you the amount of every check. I mean, I haven't written that many checks, but 100%, huh? Yeah, I. I guarantee.

[A]

I know what he did. I overshot. I send you.

[B]

I think the way to do one. Classy. Two, I think the way to do it is go. Oh, I'm sorry. My wife Monica wrote that. How much was it for? I'll send you the zell right now. You know, I didn't. Give yourself a little bit of a distance.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Cuz if you overshoot it and you overshoot. I don't know. I. That's probably what I would do.

[A]

This guy's all right.

[B]

Yeah. That's a fucking mover and shaker.

[A]

By the way, Monica sounds pretty hot.

[B]

You know, you got types of. We gotta wrap it up though, gang.

[A]

What a fun one.

[B]

What a fun one, gang.

[A]

We love you. Tour starting up very soon. Do yourself a favor, grab them tickets. Do a lot of weekends going quick.

[B]

Yes. Show the room. We're doing more shows, but they're comedy clubs, so get those tickies. We're gonna have a fun time. What should we post it up for a little bit? Listen, the shows that will sell out well before the shows are Tampa, Austin and Chicago. Get those tickets or you're going to snooze. You lose.

[A]

We'll see you next week. We love you.