Patreon Episode: Finding Foley a Hobby

Summary

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Are You Garbage? Patreon Ep: "Finding Foley a Hobby"

Hosts: Kevin Ryan & H. Foley
Date: August 29, 2025

Episode Overview

In this raucous Patreon bonus episode, Kevin and Foley take a break from grilling guests about their personal trashiness and turn the spotlight inward—specifically, on H. Foley’s apparent lack of hobbies. What unfolds is a hilarious, free-wheeling brainstorming session about possible pastimes for Foley as he navigates a midlife “slump.” Packed with the show’s signature blend of self-deprecation, inside jokes about trashy behavior, and classic Philly ball-busting, the episode is both a deep-dive into the pursuit of personal joy and an improv showcase in finding the comedy in the mundane.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Setting the Scene: Foley’s "Summer of Discontent"

• Foley admits he’s in a slump, needing a positive change (06:07):
  • Foley: “You’re the summer of my discontent.”
  • Kevin: “You always need a season. I’m going to take the winter, shut it down.”
  • Foley: “That’s what I need though… some good night’s sleep.”

2. Foley’s Relationship with Leisure & Rest

• Foley and Kevin riff on the concept that Foley’s idea of downtime is watching endless reruns (“Sopranos,” “Seinfeld”) and endlessly postponing self-improvement (07:18–08:00).
  • Foley: “Haven’t watched the Sopranos in months. Seinfeld, different story.”

3. The Great Hobby Brainstorm

Kevin’s List of (Mostly Old-Man) Hobbies (10:07+)

Throughout, they roast each suggestion mercilessly, often sidetracking into stories and tangents.

• Leather Working (10:49–12:00)

  • Kevin: “Leather can be used to create many attractive and durable items…”
  • Foley: “I knew a chick that worked with leather. It’s tough… She was Czech…”
  • Kevin: “What was she, a Native American in the 1700s?”

• Scrapbooking (12:05–12:56)

  • Foley: “My one aunt started doing that. She got cancer right after. That’s the kiss of death. Next thing you know they’re having a beef and beer for you.”

• Dog Sitting/Fostering (12:56–13:41)

  • Foley: “What about fostering? I could foster…”
  • Kevin: “Fills your time, gives you a purpose…”

• Mentoring (Big Brother Program) (13:41–15:44)

  • Comedy ensues as Foley spins the idea of being mentored himself: “I need a mentor!” (14:08)
  • Kevin: “Why don’t you mentor somebody? You need a protégé.”
  • Foley: “I kind of have one… a cousin in the biz.”

• World Records & Penis Puppetry (16:32–18:39)

  • Foley invents a gross-out "talent": “I could take my nuts and cover my dick completely. I call it The Tarp.” (16:59)
  • Kevin: “Anybody ask me my list of hobbies, that wouldn’t be on there.” (18:39)

• Nature Photography & Bird Watching (19:30, 20:53, 34:50, 47:03)

  • Foley expresses real interest multiple times: “I like the cloisters and the bird photography.” (50:37)

• Metal Detecting/Hunting Arrowheads (20:56–22:18)

  • Kevin: “Modern-day trailer metal detector is a perfect tool for you... You can unearth coins, jewelry, lost treasures…”
  • Foley: “I saw a video of 10 grown men looking for arrowheads…” (21:28)

• Cycling ("Trike" idea) (23:03–23:28)

  • Foley [outraged]: “I’m not riding a trike like some fat kid.”

• Art Classes (43:28–44:36)

  • Foley: “Maybe I could take like an art class.”
  • Kevin: “You want to do it? Like to finish it.”
  • Discussion of painting medium (oil vs. watercolor): “I’m a watercolor man. Or acrylic.” (44:25)

• Gardening (28:07–28:15)

  • Foley: “I like gardening. I had strawberries. Raspberries are growing.”

• Music Production (24:53, 25:02–25:15)

  • Foley: “You should let me make… cut a couple demos.”
  • Kevin: “You want to do nine different side projects, like you’re Kev Bacon.”

• Volunteering (children, elderly, or veterans) (46:15–46:44)

  • Foley contemplates giving back: “Maybe went and helped read or something like that to old vets or sit and talk to them.”

• Swimming at the YMCA (47:36–48:18)

  • Kevin: “Find out where there’s a Y in Astoria with a pool. The Y is like 14 bucks for the year. You go jump in a pool once a week…”

• Yard Sales & Collecting (27:01–27:54)

  • Foley: “I do like yard sales. Toys… glass stuff, too, like ashtrays, bookends.”

• Geocaching (49:10–50:29)

  • Foley: “What’s geocaching? Like the Pokemon game?”
  • Kevin: “A small waterproof container with a logbook. You leave it there for other people to find.”

Hobbies Foley Dismisses Outright:

• Pickleball (“hate it”), Dancing, Whittling, Horseback riding
• Chess in the Park (“too many bugs”)
• Antiquing: “I don’t like the smell.”
• Podcasting: “I like this one.”
• Golf: Foley wants lessons; everyone agrees he’d be terrible.

4. Memorable Tangents & Moments

• Puppetry & "Making the Bed" (16:59–18:39)

  • Foley: “I call it making the bed.”
  • Kevin: “Throwing the Duvet on the fitted sheet.”
  • Foley: “Lay there in bed and stretch it out. Looks like I’m making pizza.”

• Trash-Talking Tequila Sodas (08:06–09:38)

  • Foley: “Tequila & soda sucks. It tastes like loose leaf."
  • “There’s no way [Clooney] was sitting around drinking Casamigo… that sucks.”

• Getting Involved in the Neighborhood (44:39–45:09)

  • Kevin: “You gotta hit the Duncan and hang out with the other old timers.”
  • Foley: “They all speak Greek, though. I only been there once. I don’t know Greek politics.”

• Foley’s "involvement" in the Gulf War (01:43–02:29)

  • Foley tries to recount being the bearer of war news at wrestling practice.
  • Kevin: “You came in like Paul Revere.”

• Running for Office (“Comptroller or something out there in Queens”) (48:18–48:24)

  • Foley: "Run for Congress. AOC did it. Goddamn bartender."

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Notable Quotes & Highlights (with Timestamps)

• [06:45] Kevin:
  “You always need a season. I’m going to take the winner. I’m going to shut it down. Not do shit. Fucking lying sack of shit.”

• [10:49] Kevin:
  “Leather can be used to create many attractive and durable items...”

• [16:59] Foley:
  “I could take my nuts and cover my dick completely. I call it the tarp.”

• [18:39] Kevin:
  “Anybody ask me my list of hobbies, that wouldn’t be on there.”

• [27:03] Foley:
  “I do like yard sales. Make me think when I was a kid and Patty would take me... go around looking for stuff.”

• [28:15] Kevin:
  “They’re coming out of your underwear, too. Couple of mushies in there. A couple of dung beetles and a lion’s mane.”

• [34:50] Foley:
  “I wouldn’t mind, you know, nurturing like a baby raccoon back to health. That’d be cute. I could do that.”

• [43:34] Foley:
  “Maybe I could take like an art class…”

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Top 3 Hobbies Foley Likes (As Chosen by the End)

1. Bird Photography / Bird Watching at the Cloisters

   • Foley: “I like the cloisters and the bird photography. I think maybe me doing something for somebody else other than me would be good.” (50:37)
   • Kevin suggests a trial run: “One day this week… Pick a nice day, come up to the Cloisters. We’ll take on. Me, you, and Hans, go for a walk, go bird watching.” (51:04)

2. Metal Detecting

   • Foley: “I like the metal detecting thing. What about like to like a battleground or something?” (51:45)
   • Kevin: “You gonna get out on the beach? That means you gotta get up, you gotta put your shoes on.” (53:51)

3. Volunteering / “Big Brother” & Community Activities

   • Foley: “Maybe me doing something for somebody else other than me would be good.” (42:28)
   • Joke motivation for the Big Brother program: “Bored. My friends are making me get off the couch.” (42:50)

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Running Gags & Thematic Threads

• Foley’s resistance to almost every suggestion—“That’s never going to happen,” “I’m not doing that,” “I don’t like the smell.”
• Repeated references to Foley’s age: “They’d probably move the goalposts to get you in a 55 and older community.”
• Foley’s self-deprecating, creative body humor (“bat wing,” “the tarp”) and using it as comic “talent.”
• Childhood flashbacks about yard sales and his mother Patty.
• Acknowledgment that Foley needs more social connection outside of comedy and people his own age.

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Episode Sentiment & Tone

• Irreverent, affectionate ball-busting with moments of surprisingly sincere camaraderie.
• A mix of blue-collar Philly nostalgia with brutally honest reflections on aging, creative ruts, and male loneliness.
• The pace is rapid-fire, with riffing and interruptions, but beneath the bits, there’s a real attempt to spark new purpose for Foley.

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For New Listeners: Why This Episode is Worth a Listen

If you love comedic chemistry, off-the-cuff storytelling, and the ongoing saga of two self-styled "garbage" comics trying to live a little better, this episode is a chaotic but heartfelt look at personal reinvention—filtered through trash jokes, wild tangents, and the relentless laughter that makes “Are You Garbage?” so beloved.

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End note:
Foley encourages listeners to send him hobby ideas or to hang out, signing off:
“If you got more suggestions... let me know. Or if you want to hang, I’m looking for friends. Love you. See you next weekend.” (54:32)

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Transcript

[A]

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are you Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Ru Garbage.

[B]

You sure about that?

[A]

It's a little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that if they grew up to be classy or if they're just a big old piece of trash. Trash. I'm your host, H. Foley. Coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at toadies and Indo edition. Cronkites tell you folks that you're the homies, baby.

[B]

Talking like the Hindenburg just went down.

[A]

Let's hear for the boys. Let's get a little fucking homie appreciation all around. Trav, hit me. Boom. Gang, we love you. We're here for a bonus episode on the old Patriot. Can't thank you guys enough. We absolutely love you. But Mike Hoes is coming at you from across the table. He's the guy behind the guy. He put this whole thing together, baby, and he don't let you forget it. Give it up for KJ Kevin James Ryan.

[B]

He has, thank you very much, guy actively trying to sabotage it. Shout out to the motherfucking homies, baby. We love you. The fucking boots on the ground asleep or sell the fucking men inside. The men.

[A]

Houthis. The Houthis of Patreon.

[B]

Who? What the hell is that?

[A]

The Houthis. You don't know what the Houthis are? The rebel group? The rebel group?

[B]

Oh, no, none of that. Maybe a couple of Patriots. Patriots, that's about it. No, fucking whatever the hell you were talking about.

[A]

Yeah. Remember the Patriot missile system? When that thing came out?

[B]

Is that the big, like. Yeah, that really crossed my radar.

[A]

That was big in the first Gulf War.

[B]

Yeah. I was fucking. That was six.

[A]

I remember when we went in.

[B]

What'd you get on the wrong bus? What the hell is this.

[A]

Now? We had a wrestling match that night. Fucking. We went into Iraq.

[B]

You did it for the country. Yeah. You're standing there buck naked. It's just for.

[A]

I remember I was on a JV team, and we were working out whether varsity match was going on, and I, like, ran out into the hallway and told everybody. And my coach yelled at me to get back in the weight room. Goddamn war. Fucking went in, sent a pack.

[B]

What'd you run? You came in like Paul Revere.

[A]

Yeah. Telling everybody that we just went into.

[B]

Iraq and where did you. What did you have your transistor radio, but somebody's. What'd you intercept? The intercept. The message.

[A]

The Enigma machine or whatever it's called.

[B]

Decoded a couple. Iraq. What'd you catch, a homing pigeon? What are you talking about?

[A]

A couple of boys at 711 filled me in.

[B]

What's going on?

[C]

The Houthi there's coming. The Houthis are coming.

[B]

Woo.

[A]

Two of by land, three of K puts. How you doing?

[B]

Hey. Tomorrow's buy one, get one free Slurpee and don't tell anybody, okay?

[A]

Yeah. Went in first with the Apaches.

[B]

Stop, Stay. You weren't there.

[A]

Okay, that's what we did. They went in low and slow, off the ground, treetop level. Came in, took out all the radar systems, the fucking missile defense, and they sent in the fucking stealth fighters. Rolled over them like fucking Sherman through Atlanta. Nothing but sunglasses and Walkmans left. Smoked them all. Couldn't find a Toyota anywhere. Took them out, went in, stopped them. Butt cold. I was there.

[B]

Once you fully lose it, you're gonna be sitting in a wheelchair at some state run facility. I'm gonna have to show up on Saturdays, you're gonna be in full fatigues, and then you're gonna be telling me battle stories like you were there. Yeah, no, for sure. Henry.

[A]

If I don't have kids, man, that's. I'm gonna end this.

[B]

Meanwhile, I got you doing cameos. Just say happy birthday to Megan. I got 60 bucks, right?

[A]

Pay for the bus fare outta here. I gotta stop at the gift shop. Yeah, man, I'm gonna be in some fucking nursing home, some state run nursing home, getting fucking beat up by the orderlies. No one's gonna take care of me.

[B]

I will.

[A]

You will.

[B]

You lose a little weight? Yeah. I ain't getting your fat ass out of bed and into the shower.

[A]

Would you wipe my butt?

[B]

No.

[A]

All right.

[B]

I'll get an origin. Orderly will do that.

[A]

Aggressive.

[B]

What?

[A]

He won't do it. Nice.

[B]

You're a little. My prop.

[A]

A couple of dude wipes.

[B]

Yeah, well, I mean, we'll put you. Someone put you in a shed or something. Have Hans run beers out to you. Bunch of dog slobber. Yeah, do something you can. He's got. He eats raw food. He could make a burger out of this thing. A chicken burger.

[A]

Eats raw food?

[B]

Yeah. What, like hamburger meat that's ground up? He's on the farmer's dog. Yeah. It's better than that. It's viva. It's expensive.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You ever try it?

[B]

No. Icky. There's Bones in there. I think they. I think they throw in everything. Everything that they don't pass. Burger quality gets molten.

[A]

You ever see those videos where they give the dog all that and they put like a quail egg on top? It's like the pigeon wing and the beak of a duck.

[B]

If you do like food. Huh? That's your. That's your algorithm. Any. Any kind of species food you're getting.

[A]

I am always jealous when I see a hippo crush a whole watermelon.

[B]

Yeah. It looks so refreshing. Ah.

[A]

It's delicious. The breath on those things must be brutal. The breath of a hippo. Oh my God.

[B]

He's debate one in high school.

[A]

Anywho. What are we doing here? Let's talk a little business.

[B]

Yeah. So as you know. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

You're the summer of my discontent.

[B]

What? Huh?

[A]

Uncle Hank's jammed up.

[B]

Kids coming out of a bit of a slump. All right. Couple of slump busters. They used to call fat chicks back in the day. Couple of slump busters. Also my nickname.

[A]

Everybody loves a comeback, huh?

[B]

You've always said that and you've never come back. You've always go, everybody loves a comeback because you're fucking taking a two by four to the head. Getting hit by. Everyone loves a comeback. Just gotta get my feet under me. I'll be all right.

[A]

Just give me a couple minutes.

[B]

You're a guy who always needs. Just give me the summer. You always need a season. I'm going to take the winner. I'm going to shut it down. Not do shit. Fucking lion sack is yet.

[A]

That's what I need though. I need to give me a. Give me a couple of months to get my head on straight. Get some good night's sleep.

[B]

You don't got it.

[A]

What time?

[B]

I think you need a hobby. Which I think you've mentioned this before. We've mentioned before, yes. The homies a couple of weeks ago. Here's my thing. You got to find. You got to get the g. Got to do something positive. Right? You're wearing here a good amount depending. You were working. We're doing it. You got some spots at night. You're doing that. You're working the club circuit.

[A]

Sick of spots.

[B]

I know it's tough. Listen. But you know, you need something to fill that time. You know, you don't have kids. You got to do Limp Noodle. Yeah, Limp Noodle, Big tits. You got to do something. Just sat on his nutsack. You got to do. You got it. You got a lot of time to fill and it's not just staring at your phone and watching the Sopranos. So.

[A]

I haven't fucking watched the Sopranos in months. In months.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

All right, Seinfeld, different story.

[B]

Yeah, okay, whatever. You're watching the same thing, I think you get out on your days off, your afternoons off, and you do a little something. So I've come up with. I've come up with some list of hobbies.

[A]

What about that softball league they got?

[B]

What?

[A]

Clooney's been playing in it?

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Go over there and hang out with him.

[B]

Hey, why don't you do that, by.

[A]

The way, I've been. You know. You know what? You know what I've come to the conclusion on, and I flip flopped on this a bunch of times, but this is my official statement on this. You know what really just sucks? Like it sucks. It sucks so bad is tequila and soda. It's not good. And it's taken me a long time to really get that. It tastes like a. Like it's been sitting there forever.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

It's watered down. It tastes like loose leaf. It's not good.

[B]

Tequila hasn't. I haven't had tequila.

[A]

No tequila by good. Tequila by itself. 1942 tequila is fantastic. One of those in an IPA is delicious. A margarita is delicious.

[B]

Yeah, Margaritas, fuck yeah.

[A]

You know, but tequila and soda soda.

[B]

Stinks to mix with any vodka soda. Tequila soda, it's so bad.

[A]

And I'll tell you something else. There's no fucking way that that Casamigos was their like, select thing for that sucks. They have to change the recipe for mass consumption. There's no way. Those guys with. With the refined pallets and money that they got all the cash, they got fucking nice dinners and shit like that. Lake Como hanging out hot broads, all that kind of stuff. There's no fucking way that they were sitting around drinking Casamigo saying, oh, this is premium. This is delicious. That sucks. No offense to Mr. Clooney. Personally, he's one of my favorites.

[B]

No, he's definitely not doing a show, sitting there trashing him and his boy.

[A]

He's not gonna see this.

[B]

Chicken sandwiches could be a homie.

[C]

The recipe did change after Diego acquired it.

[A]

Of course it did. Yeah, of course it did. It's just something in there. It stinks. Yeah, I'm done drinking anyway. I'm over it. I'm over all of it. I want to be sober. I want to focus on this, focus on my health and move forward. Eat right, exercise. Get your hobby some green juice. All right, hobby. I got one going below bar Thors.

[B]

All right, here. I got a list of indoor hobbies for seniors.

[A]

All right.

[B]

50 and overcrowd.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You're not a young spry chicken anymore.

[A]

I am 50. And you're pretty much.

[B]

You could move. You could. They would probably move the goalposts to get you in a 55 and older community. Which I wouldn't hate for you. They got the pool, they got the rec center.

[A]

What's a 60 year old broad look like? I could be dating a 16 year old.

[B]

I'm 50.

[A]

I know. Isn't that crazy?

[B]

55 and older. You going dudes. You got kids? You're fucking.

[A]

I had to fight the son though.

[B]

Why? Little bastard be like me.

[A]

Doesn't want me sniffing around mom's money.

[B]

All right, so I got a list. I got a list for seniors.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Number one, Leather working.

[A]

What like chaps and shit?

[B]

Freak.

[A]

Leather can be talking S and M.

[B]

Leather can be used to create many attractive and durable items that make wonderful gifts and personal items. With a few specialized tool and an adoption of some new skills you can learn to make things like belts, wallets.

[A]

I don't like bags. Too hard.

[B]

And more. A beginner's kit can be a great introduction to the craft with everything you need. And a step by step instruction. Instruction to create a simple project.

[A]

Now I knew a chick that worked with leather. It's tough. You really gotta. You gotta dig in there. You gotta like really smooth it over. She made belts and.

[B]

So stupid.

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

I don't know, you just. I knew it. Chick.

[A]

She did. She sold leather goods on the side. We were waiting tables again.

[B]

What was she, a native American in the 1700s?

[A]

No, she was Czech. She was cute as. Can't remember her name. Carolinko or something like that. Was an. Oh, Hallahan. I know that you do it. What are you typing over there?

[C]

Finding her.

[A]

You're right. Stay away from my little angel.

[B]

Oh, check.

[A]

Baby mama.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Leather's out. What else?

[B]

We're having a good time scrapbooking. Scrapbooking?

[A]

What does that mean?

[B]

Smartphones and digital tools make snapping and sharing photos easier than ever. Yet all too often those treasured memories are never displayed unless you got an OR frame. Scrapbooking allows you to preserve mementos and photos together. Telling a beautiful story with images. The finished result makes a great beautiful gift that can be passed down through generations.

[A]

Now, my one aunt started doing that. She got cancer right after she started doing it. She was single. She was on her way out. No, I'm not doing that shit, that's the kiss of death right there. You start scrapbooking, next thing you know they're having a fucking beef and beer for you. Okay, what else? What about sex stuff? Go to a swingers club or something.

[B]

Better be a strong swing. All right, dog sitting. If you're a dog lover, this is a great way to help others while who are out living their life and enjoy while indulging your passion for pups. Many people work during the day and are reluctant to put their adored pooch in kennels.

[A]

I got 15 dogs in here.

[B]

They're all in here. Okay, that's a possibility. Charlie, make some bucks on a side.

[A]

What about fostering? I could foster.

[B]

Foster. I know people that have done that. It's great. Fills your time, gives you a purpose. You're like dogs. You're kind of like dogs. Keep those homeless people alive.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

It keeps them like.

[A]

What about big brother, big sister?

[B]

Really big brother? Oh, God damn. Some. Some young black kid shitting on you? I'm in.

[A]

What about that? What, what is, what is that exactly? Big brother, big sister?

[C]

I had a friend, a couple friends do it actually.

[A]

Yeah?

[C]

Yeah, he's me with. My dad's doing it actually is me with a kid.

[A]

Can you. Maybe your dad could do it with me? You know what? I need a.

[B]

How old is your dad?

[C]

He's 60. 62.

[A]

I need a mentor.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

What do you. What am I?

[A]

Dickhead?

[B]

Bit of a ugly. Why don't you mentor somebody? You need a protege.

[A]

A protege? I kind of have one right now.

[B]

Okay, who would that be?

[A]

I don't want to say. They might listen.

[B]

Who is it?

[A]

It's just somebody that's, you know, somebody in my family.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

A cousin that I'm, you know, mentoring a little bit in the business and.

[B]

What business? Show business.

[A]

Show business?

[B]

Uh huh.

[A]

I'm in show business. I'm an entertainer. Right, right.

[B]

Am I these lights on?

[C]

See the one you had me talk to too?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What do you. What kind of knowledge do you pass down on them?

[A]

You know how to put.

[B]

No, I don't know. That's why I'm asking.

[A]

You know what to. You know what to. You know how to do, you know, an audition tape and have your reel and all that kind of stuff. The things you want to look out for different production things. I've been in the business, I've been in this. I've been fucking. Yeah, I've been acting almost 10 years. But I could use a mentor, I think. Yeah. Tell your Old man to kid to ditch. This kid from the Bronx or wherever you got.

[C]

Apply to the Big Brother program.

[B]

You get some like 22 year old who mentors you, teach you how to tie your shoes and shit.

[A]

I could use it if I wanted to become a Big Brother.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What? I just like basketball. And with him, I.

[C]

You could do it. I mean, you could take him to a show. You could like, you know, you could show him what you do for work.

[B]

You find out the application process.

[C]

I have it right here.

[B]

This is something else he can't do.

[A]

What do you got? What do they ask?

[B]

You got a background? You gotta pass a drug test.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Get involved.

[B]

Can you poo for me?

[A]

I pass a drug test.

[B]

I'm kidding. Can I help you? Weed ain't a drug.

[A]

Smoke that herb, though.

[B]

Perk a doodles.

[C]

They're only asking for money on the website.

[A]

I need. No kidding. I could do that. Cash.

[B]

All right. I got another one for you. This is big in the. In the elders world, okay?

[A]

Elders, Elders. I'm not doing fucking crossword puzzles. I think, no.

[B]

This is.

[A]

Give me a headache.

[B]

You try to beat a world record, all right? Little notoriety. That's pretty good. Little good. That's positive press for us.

[A]

Can it be sitting there, fattest man in the world?

[B]

No. How do you think so many people break world? They often start as hobbies and become a little more competitive to become the best. You could do the same. Do you have an interesting or odd skill, like limbo dancing or walking like a crab?

[A]

I could take my nuts and cover my dick completely. I call it the tarp.

[B]

Call it the bat wing.

[A]

I can. I cover my whole penis with it. And then the eyes stick out. It looks like a frog's head.

[B]

What eyes?

[A]

The testicles. They kind of like poke out the side. I could do that. Nobody's doing that. I'll do that right now.

[B]

I got to be honest with you.

[A]

You want to see it?

[B]

I don't. I'll never be able to look at you the same again.

[A]

Stretch it out. Looks like Silly Putty.

[B]

I like how I said hobbies, even. I've been doing this a lot. Pull my sack over my cock.

[A]

I have been doing it a lot. Lay there in bed and fucking stretch it out. Looks like I'm making pizza.

[C]

Should I add that as one of your skills for the Big Brother application?

[B]

I would have put that on the applic. Oh, God, I'm crying.

[A]

You call it the pool cover. Call it making the bed.

[B]

Huh? You know what I mean? Throwing the Duvet on the fitted sheep.

[A]

D. I might black out. That is crazy, dude. You never did that before. Stretch it out. I can pull it over.

[B]

Anybody ask me my list of hobbies, it wouldn't be on there. I gotta stop. I'm gonna die.

[A]

Hold on. What was the one you recommended?

[B]

I think they said, like baking a big cake or something. No, crab wall. Walking like a crab.

[A]

I hate that. You know what else I hate? Walking backwards.

[B]

Oh, I. I try to take a picture of some guy who's walking down my street backwards.

[A]

Rewind button.

[B]

Hans was looking at me like, do I get this guy or what? Faceless man's coming after.

[A]

Why?

[B]

I guess for his ankles or something. He's just, you know. I don't know.

[A]

They just do that. Brutal. Oh, me dude make you go up the stairs backwards?

[B]

Sure. All right. Some outdoor ones get you out there walking around, some fresh air. Nature photography.

[A]

Yeah, photography.

[B]

I see a lot in the park. I live by up there.

[A]

Pretty good with pictures, too.

[B]

In the cloisters there. It's like a big bird sanctuary. And there's always old people in there. You can't hit them with the vintage.

[A]

Hey, guys. Gonna see me make this pigeon disappear? The old butterfly net. Step back, lady. You didn't want to get caught up in the.

[B]

That thing got zoom on it. You're gonna want to get in real tight on this. Now, kids, don't try this at home, huh?

[A]

You gotta call this the dog catcher.

[B]

You got a heater. Go. And you're digging in your pants.

[A]

No, I need two hands to stretch the dough. Talk about a garlic knot. All right. Bird watching, bird photography, penis puppetry.

[B]

That's pretty good metal detecting.

[A]

That's not bad.

[B]

Go out to, like, Rockaway every day. You got a car, wake up early morning, get a cup of coffee. I'd go, I love doing I got another kid. I can't be doing that, though.

[A]

There's nothing out there, though. I find some Ladies Engage ring. I gotta give it back to her. No, no.

[B]

Modern day trailer metal detector is perfect tool for you and your outdoor hobby. Explore parks, benches, beach, beaches, Backyard. To find hidden treasures just beneath the soil surface. You can unearth coins, jewelry, lost treas, even historical artifacts to collect, share, display, and reunite with owners with their lost items.

[A]

I saw a video the other day. It was about 10 grown men, and they were looking for arrowheads. And this one guy found this huge arrowhead. And you would have thought that these guys saw a pair of titties for the first time. They were, oh, my God.

[B]

Hit him with the batwing. Hey, boys.

[A]

Yeah, that'd be kind of cool. Or like the guys that hammer the. The petrified snails. They look like rocks. What are they called?

[C]

Just fossils.

[A]

Yeah, but they're called something smick a smells or something.

[B]

I don't think it's that schmickish smells. The place I grew up near Churchville Nature center, we'd go arrow hunting, arrowhead.

[A]

Hunting, and you'd find. Really?

[B]

Yeah, it was like the. Whatever was the Lenapes or whatever.

[A]

Man, it sucks. Yeah, you just shot a little straighter.

[B]

Miss me?

[A]

Yeah. It's crazy to think about that stuff. How old that shit all there? 8,000 years ago.

[B]

Is that when they were banging?

[A]

Probably.

[B]

I mean, but like, what? Yeah, 8,000.

[A]

I don't know. The Ice Age was 10,000 years ago. You figure everybody rolled over on that.

[B]

But Indians were banging in the fucking 1700s, 1800s.

[A]

They were around for thousands of years. Live peacefully on this land.

[B]

Why are you throwing fucking shade at me like I'm the one who came and fucked the party up.

[A]

Like a masa just as much as the next guy. Okay, so bird watching, metal detecting, dance. Nah.

[B]

Okay. Pickleball.

[A]

Hate it.

[B]

Cycling. Can we get you a nice tricked out bike?

[A]

I hate those guys.

[B]

No, no, no, you don't have to do that. Tube too. This is just perfect for you. We'll get you the one with the two back wheels and the. In the basket in the back, we can put an iPad there so you can watch your YouTube shorts. And you can, you know, to find you a nice. But not on the streets or anything. Finding a nice bike trail. I got one out in the burbs. Big tray. You just go.

[A]

I'm not riding a trike like some fat kid. I'll do a sidecar that in a gimlet. What about model building? I like models. I'm just not good at it.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Snap models. I used to like you snap them together. No glue required. I can't do the glue, okay? Fucks me up. Remember my brother got all jacked up on glue one time we were doing a model, started acting silly.

[B]

You can take a class, do like a paint and sip or something like that.

[A]

No, but I. But class would be all right. You know what? I always wanted to learn. I saw Bradley Cooper on a French television show talking French. And he did it so beautifully.

[B]

Learned French.

[A]

I would like to learn French. I honestly would. I'm pretty good at it. Bossois, micheux, parivu.

[B]

You ain't great at English.

[A]

Now. See, I'm good with the accent. Spanish is, you know, whatever Spanish is. Too many bad memories for me.

[B]

What about woodworking? Whittling? Sitting there, getting a nice knife, nice piece.

[A]

I've never been great at it, though. My shit always came out.

[B]

I know, but you. You got to get better. That's the part of. That's. That's the. Listen, there's no rush. You're in the back half of your career. Slow it down. Widdle whittle.

[A]

It's not fair.

[B]

You don't want a rocking chair.

[A]

You should let me make. Cut. Cut a couple demos.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

Cut some music. You should get me with the producer.

[B]

Why would I let you cut music?

[A]

Do it under the flag of ayg. Get in the music business.

[B]

You're the only guy who I know who, like, we have this, and you want to do, like, nine different side projects. Like you're Kev Bacon. Do this one. This has been going on for three and a half years. We've been relatively successful. You want to do side projects?

[A]

You should get me writing for a young artist. I put a couple hits together for some people.

[C]

Nobody's stopping you.

[B]

No one stopped.

[A]

I want everybody to get involved. You got to find me a talent.

[B]

Get me a producer involved in anything I do. You want everybody.

[A]

I try to get involved. You won't let me over.

[B]

I invited you over. Say, come on down. I can't. Listen, this is about. You want us to now do stuff. You gotta find the hobby. You gotta do something.

[A]

All right? Gotta get in the music business.

[C]

Cut us a track.

[A]

I'll cut you a track.

[B]

Please.

[A]

On what? I need an engineer.

[C]

I got a guy for you.

[A]

You do?

[C]

I do.

[B]

Listen, you don't need it.

[A]

Do you think he could put a. Like a. If I. If I hum something out or whatever, could he put. He put a. You know, a melody together.

[C]

Aren't you supposed to be doing this?

[B]

No, he wants other people to do it for him. He's like. He wrote a poem that's probably fucking gay as shit. And he's gonna fucking. You know. To be or not to be. Shut up. All right. Woodworking, cycling, learn French. You've had. How long you been trying to be a musician?

[A]

I haven't really been trying. How long I was in the music business before.

[B]

How long? 20 years. Maybe 20 years. And you're asking Luke, a guy who's fucking a quarter of your age, do you know a guy that I can hum to and he can make the music.

[A]

I need to link up with it. With a young engineer, young producer.

[B]

Do it.

[A]

Me?

[B]

Yeah. Do something.

[A]

I don't got a laptop.

[B]

You do.

[C]

Film yourself in a guitar. It's all ZB needed.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Good looking kid.

[B]

You're no Z. I am not. Go Antiquin. That's nice. You like old shit.

[A]

I don't like the smell.

[B]

You gotta get over it. You also.

[A]

Yard sale.

[B]

You don't smell great either. All right. I doubt the stores.

[A]

I do like yard sales.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Make me think when I was a kid and Patty would take me Yard sale and go around looking for stuff.

[B]

Is there anything you're looking for?

[A]

Maybe flipping it in particular? Toys.

[B]

Just like. Toys for you?

[A]

Yeah. I like glass stuff, too. Like ashtrays.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Things like that.

[B]

That's pretty good.

[A]

Like, what do they call book? Not bookshelves. Book. Things that hold the books together.

[C]

Bookends?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Like decorative. Decorative bookends.

[A]

Yeah. We actually have two.

[B]

Do you have any books?

[A]

Huh?

[B]

You have any books?

[A]

I have a bunch of books at my house in a box.

[B]

I don't have any bookends to hold them up. You don't know whose they are?

[A]

No.

[B]

Where did they come from?

[A]

I don't know. My wife had them or something. I might have one or two in there, but. Because I like bookends, you know, just like as collectibles.

[B]

Okay. That's not bad.

[A]

It's not bad, right?

[B]

Yeah, you could do that. Go out on Saturday and Sunday. You got to get up early. The hot ticket item. You got to go out there. Seasons changing. This is the perfect time for it to spring cleaning.

[A]

I like.

[B]

Go get a couple of good.

[A]

I like gardening a little bit.

[B]

That's a good one.

[C]

My dad could teach you that.

[A]

Well, I got some shit growing up at the thing. I had strawberries. Raspberries are growing.

[B]

They're coming out of your underwear, too. Couple of mushies in there. A couple of dung beetles and a lion's mane.

[A]

I like bugs, too.

[B]

No, you don't.

[A]

Well, I like like ladybugs and butterflies.

[B]

Okay. What do you want to do with them?

[A]

Make them fight? No. I don't know. Like, you know over at the museum they have like the butterfly cage.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Feed them or something.

[B]

No, you just go in there. My wife's been there a bunch.

[A]

Just stand there.

[B]

I guess. I never go with her. Well, it was getting your ear that. Lay some larvae in there. Next thing you know, I'm fucking mothman number two. A caterpillar coming out of my asshole.

[A]

All right, this is not bad.

[B]

This is pretty Good, right?

[A]

I started a landscaping company.

[B]

Stop. You boys, you don't know how to do that.

[A]

Yes, I do.

[B]

No, you don't.

[A]

I know how to cut. I fucking landscaped for five years ago.

[B]

Well, we think the technology has changed 100%.

[A]

This guy talking about you don't think so?

[B]

No technology. There's been zero technological advances in 20 years.

[A]

I'll go get a lawnmower.

[B]

Okay. Where are you gonna keep that garage? Who's gonna get to go get the garage, huh?

[A]

I'll keep it in my car.

[B]

So it's gonna be a push mower.

[A]

Yeah. You start small. I like the push mower. Anyway, I used to always love doing. I like to love doing the front of the house.

[B]

Let's put a pin on that. Put a pin on the thing. That's never gonna happen.

[A]

Sorry.

[B]

Horseback riding. We'll take that off the list now.

[A]

I'm always scared. I love them, but I'm scared of them.

[B]

Pottery.

[A]

I could do that.

[B]

Sexy.

[A]

It is sexy.

[B]

My wife did it.

[A]

I had this girl in my pottery.

[B]

Class in high school.

[A]

Yeah, Colleen Riley. She was like this hippie chick. She had strawberry curly blonde hair. She used to call me Roly Poly Foley. I had such a crush on her. She smelled so good. She was so hot. She'd do her pottery. I just sit there.

[B]

Well, okay, that's good.

[A]

Oogling.

[B]

Well, you do like, you like. You know, why don't you. Why don't you get into like, records or something like that? You're into music.

[A]

I don't like records. I'm not that into music, to be honest with you.

[B]

You just said you want to be a music.

[A]

I like hits. I like hits. I write hits.

[B]

You write hits?

[A]

I write hits.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I write pop hits.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

That's what I do. Right. What else? This is good.

[B]

Drone flying or racing.

[A]

That's pretty cool. Those guys, Japanese kids, though. Smoke me.

[B]

Yeah. Whoop you. Be all over me, like, whooping on you. Yeah, that ain't no good.

[A]

Something. Nature photography, bird watching.

[B]

Okay, this is. What about, like it, start a podcast.

[A]

What about like fostering like a squirrel or something like that? Or like a, you know, a baby.

[B]

Rabbit cat would probably get your private pilot's license. For those keen to reach new heights of adventures and hobbies, getting your private pilot's license is easier than you think. As a private pilot, you can fly virtually any aircraft, operate in visual flight rules, VFR conditions, and additional ratings such as the multi engine or instrument ratings.

[A]

What about Minecraft? I get into Minecraft.

[C]

I'LL play with you.

[A]

Would I understand it.

[C]

It'd probably take a minute.

[A]

What do you do? Build stuff. Is it like Fortnite?

[C]

Nah, it's. You can do whatever you want basically, but you start in a world and you just build stuff.

[A]

Like what? Like a house? Yeah.

[C]

And you can, like, fight zombies. And there's a game to be beat in the. You have to go kill the. This ender dragon. I don't like that.

[B]

This one. You can grow your own food. I don't know how you grow Doritos. Grow yourself a hoogie. My hogie tree. Hey, get your hands off my hoogie plan. My cheesesteak shrubs says although it's a naturally slow process, you'd be eating your arm, losing your mind.

[A]

I wouldn't mind growing tomatoes and scallions. I like tomatoes and scallions together. Like on a piece of white bread with some mayo and a little salt and pepper. Like a tomato sandwich.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

They. My grandfather used to grow them up in Wilkes Barrel. And they use the coal, the cinders from. From the brewery to. As fertilizer. Really good for it.

[B]

Okay, that's good. We have Nordic walking. It's a specific pole walking technique that harnesses the upper body's power to turn walking into a workout. It can be adapted for anybody and done anywhere. And you've likely seen a group pass you in your local community with ski poles. Yeah. There are many Nordic walking groups for all activity levels, from beginners to the more experienced to the lard asses. It's a great activity to meet friends and get the exercise you want and develop your fitness. That's pretty good. There's also foraging another way to enjoy outdoors. Foraging where you source wild food for free. Save a couple of bucks.

[A]

I wouldn't mind that. It would just be fun to do that, to go out with somebody.

[B]

They do it. They do it in Central Park. Park. My wife wants to do it. I said, I ain't going.

[A]

A lot of ticks and rats.

[B]

Couple. Yeah, a couple of.

[A]

And raccoons. You ever see the raccoons in Central Park? Yeah, like the Kelsey brothers.

[B]

I can get you what.

[A]

They're big, fat. They're huge, man. They're scary. Plus they got those eyes that light.

[B]

Up and the hands. Yikes.

[A]

I ain't with nothing with thumbs.

[B]

They're worse than teenagers, those guys. A couple of them come at you, hit you with a high. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, they're scary.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Didn't we see some. Or there was a video. There's like 10 of them together.

[B]

Oh, they're all, they all pop out of the parks, start I ping, ping, ping, start taking use.

[A]

But I do like a big. I, I, I wouldn't mind. Hello. I wouldn't mind.

[B]

This guy stinks.

[A]

I wouldn't, I wouldn't mind, you know, nurturing like a baby raccoon back to health. That'd be cute. I could do that.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Or like bird. I like birds. I like little birdies. Maybe I'll get a bird for the house.

[B]

Private. Me?

[A]

No.

[B]

A bird.

[A]

Why? Like, get like a little.

[B]

Travel a lot.

[A]

Why? I got the wife.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

She'll look out for him.

[B]

Okay, sure.

[A]

Cute little bird. My cute little bird.

[C]

I like him.

[A]

I ever tell you about the bird that I saved in upstate New York when I was driving? Yeah. It fell down a storm drain. And I went in, dropped the lady off, and he was down there crying. And I used a long branch and a surgical mask and I made a little basket and I pulled him out.

[C]

My buddy had a toucan and it bit me on the air. It took me like 30 seconds to get it off.

[B]

I freaked the fuck out of that. I'm ruined.

[A]

Fruit Loops forever. What the fuck? How old were you, dude?

[C]

I was 22.

[A]

Holy. Oh, I would not like that. It would hurt the.

[C]

Oh, so it was blood, bleeding. They let him just go around the house. It's so scary.

[B]

I would have never stepped foot in that house.

[A]

Yeah. What the.

[C]

My buddy.

[B]

Goddamn Amazon by day one.

[A]

Jesus. And we just come up behind you, dude.

[C]

He put it on my shoulder and then it crawled onto my head and then got my ear.

[B]

No, I would have. The second it got on my head, I would have been throwing a makers up there. Smash that thing against the tv.

[A]

Fuck that.

[B]

Yeah, that's how you fuck around and kill your boy's bird.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I got one for you that might be pretty good. It's very much.

[A]

And I appreciate you guys doing this.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

You're gonna say it.

[B]

I was just saying, like, I appreciate you doing this. You've taken this and try to make us record producers pretty good. And it's like, good. You can research, you can devote some time to it and tinkering with stuff. Fishing.

[A]

I, I fishing. I was a fisherman at one time in my life.

[B]

You build. You build out a tackle box. I'll go with you. I like food. We take the boy fishing. Put them on here. A little fishing.

[A]

A little guy.

[B]

Yeah, go. I love fishing.

[A]

We pick a name yet?

[B]

No. Okay. What do you mean we?

[A]

Is there a chance he's gonna be named Henry? No, not at all.

[B]

I. No, no. Couldn't happen.

[A]

What if I died right before he was born?

[B]

Trav hit me. No, no. Then I have to hate him. I want to hate him.

[A]

Be mean to him.

[B]

Stop, you fat.

[A]

Fishing's all right.

[B]

Fishing's good.

[A]

I like light fishing, though.

[B]

What do you mean, light fishing?

[A]

Like, you know, for small fish, fresh water. Yeah.

[B]

Going for sunnies, bass.

[A]

Where would I get do that around here?

[B]

What do you mean? You're not on Mars, dude.

[A]

Where am I gonna go? You do that. Coney Island.

[B]

Go Long Island, Queens. There's gotta be ponds and streams, public bricks. We'll go up to Westchester once a month, make a date out of it.

[A]

What about golf?

[B]

I see. I would love. I would love nothing but for you to pick up golf. Me, you, Luke and Diesel all go out and golf, but from what I've.

[A]

Seen from you, maybe I could get some classes.

[B]

That is. It's physically impossible that you'd pick up golf.

[A]

You think so?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

My small hands.

[B]

That's what it is.

[A]

Could you teach me golf?

[C]

No, I'm not good enough to teach you golf.

[A]

Well, you will get somebody. Okay, we got Rory McElroy.

[B]

Yeah, call him.

[A]

What do you think he would cost for a couple of seconds?

[C]

Million dollars. At least.

[A]

You think so?

[C]

Just won the Masters.

[B]

An hour. For an hour sesh.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

$2 million.

[A]

You think so?

[B]

You'd have to get them on a plane. Yeah, he don't want to. What?

[A]

Hey, Row, you want to go fishing?

[B]

This is a freebie. Ain't paying you. This is because we're best friends.

[A]

Kidding.

[B]

I think fishing would be great.

[A]

Fishing's not bad.

[B]

We can go like once a Sunday. Go get out. We'll scout out some spots. This is good. That's good.

[A]

You know what?

[B]

Pack a sandwich, hit your hoagie tree.

[A]

You know what I really like?

[B]

What?

[A]

And they're around here. I like to eat them. And I also. I like them as lobster. And where would I lobster can you lobster off the coast or do you have to go out in the water?

[B]

I don't think you like cat. You like. Those are like traps.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's not. I don't. I don't know. I don't think that's like a pass. That's like. I think you throw the traps in and get out. I don't think it's like crab. And with the hand, I think it's.

[C]

Only also in, like, southern water that you, like, do the tickling and catching them.

[B]

I don't know. None of that tickling.

[C]

Yeah, I mean dust. Tom. Dustin was talking about it, but no.

[A]

I'm not talking about those Caribbean. I'm talking about fucking.

[C]

That's all traps, that's all trap.

[A]

But I could still do that, right? Or is that commercial only?

[C]

I mean, you need a license, I'm sure, but you can get. I think you can catch in Maine.

[A]

I like lobsters. Yeah, I guess so. Oh, what about a fish tank, huh? The wife doesn't like them though. She can't eat in front of him for some reason. It makes her sick, I don't know why.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But a nice fish tank would be all right.

[B]

I've always wanted one. Me too.

[A]

I had.

[B]

I like the idea of it. Yeah, My brother had one that kind of got there. Kinda got there good.

[A]

If you go to sleep.

[B]

Oh, my cousin Liam. Fucking, I loved it. It was a row home in Port Richmond. We'd always stay there and so I'd sleep in his room in his bed. Fucking. He had this. It was the size of this table. He worked at a pet shop. He loved pets. I mean this thing. And it would be blue. He had the little diver, he had the treasure chest, he had the tree, he had the. Everything bubbling up.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Of all the cool fish that came in that month. Probably smelled like a fucking bums nut saccharino, but okay.

[C]

Our neighbor had one of those. It was like so expensive. Sandy hit, wiped the block. All the fish were dead. It was like 200k in fish in the tank.

[A]

Wait, it was inside?

[C]

Yeah. But then Sandy hidden the block and all the power went out.

[A]

Oh man, that sucks.

[C]

Had an octopus in there. It was crazy.

[A]

Oh, the octopus died.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Fuck. Figure if something like that was coming, you take it and take him, throw him back in the water, give him a shot.

[B]

Sandy.

[A]

I'm saying you go down to the beach and throw the octopus in there. Let him go.

[C]

I think it was like a. It's like a. It's like a Caribbean. Caribbean tank. Yeah.

[A]

I wonder if there's octopus out in the. Like off the coast of New York.

[C]

I'm sure.

[A]

Are they only in warm waters?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

You ever seen an octopus live? Probably.

[B]

Well, Calamari, I seen them dead, I know that much.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

There are octopuses off of the coast of Long Island.

[A]

No kidding?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Huh. I like octopus grilled with a little bit of lemon and olive oil. So good. I just feel bad eating them.

[B]

Okay, let's see. So what's leading at the moment? Do you Think.

[A]

I like the metal detecting. I like the bird watching. I think, you know, I think maybe me doing something for somebody else other than me would be good.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You know, like the Big Brother program would be all right, you know.

[C]

Are you fluent in Cantonese, Spanish?

[B]

That's gotta help.

[C]

Or any. Or Mandarin Korean? No, it's on the application process.

[A]

Really? Yeah. But out in Queens, maybe there's like, you know, like a Boys and Girls club or something like that.

[C]

Briefly describe your motivation for applying. To become a Big Brother.

[A]

Bored.

[B]

My friends are making me get off the couch.

[A]

My wife doesn't like me.

[B]

Trying to get a little distance from the missus. This is a pretty good one. Letter writing.

[A]

Dear Mother.

[B]

I will never forgive you for what you've done to me. You are crazy as the day is long.

[A]

Patty is nuts.

[B]

I will have my vengeance in this life or another, huh?

[A]

All right.

[B]

You could paint. Painting is good. Coloring. Keep your brain sharp.

[A]

I like to paint.

[B]

I got to tell you, when that pandemic hit, you were coloring. We were painting. Paint by. I loved it.

[A]

I get a paint by numbers.

[B]

Yeah. Like, they were like real intricate indeed. Like crazy detail. Like a speck here, a dot there, a big thing.

[A]

Maybe I could take like an art class.

[B]

Yeah. I get a bottle of wine and I'd fucking sit there and get fucking torched.

[A]

Did you have an easel?

[B]

No, I just did it on the kitchen table. Yeah, just sitting there, fucking. You hyper focus for an hour. Whatever passes the time. You feel accomplished. You want to do it? Like to finish it? I got a couple of nice picture. Bring them in here and hang them up. Couple of nice pieces.

[A]

You should.

[B]

I think I trashed them.

[A]

Probably a couple of honeys in the art classes, too. I'll bring the wife.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Get me on board.

[C]

Got you six sessions for 325 art classes. We're at Oil Painting, West Side 72nd Street.

[A]

Oil Painting?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Nah, I don't like oil paints. All right. I'll find I'm a watercolor man. Or acrylic.

[C]

It's good to know.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Ah, watercolor class.

[B]

You know what you need to do. You live in Queens.

[A]

I live in Queens.

[B]

You gotta go to, like every morning you get up, go hit the Duncan and hang out with the other old timers.

[A]

It's not a bad idea. Go sit in the park, talk.

[B]

Yeah. You know, find your Charlie and your Bobby and, you know, they all speak Greek, though.

[A]

They're all Greek guys. I only been there once. I don't know Greek politics. That's what they sit and talk about.

[B]

Maybe not those guys. There's got to be guys speaking English. Maybe a lot of Russians out there too.

[A]

What about neighborhood watch? Get a fucking taser and a flashlight. Go around dishing out my own brand of street justice.

[B]

Listen, I think if you fucking. You link up with the guys, you're hanging out there two, three days a week, you go get your coffee.

[A]

Could use some friends. Outside of comedy.

[B]

I think you could. I think that'd be really good. And stop. Look, you're hanging out with all younger guys. Hang out with guys your age. 50 year olds.

[A]

What about gambling? I like gambling.

[B]

That's probably not great.

[A]

Is there a casino in Queens?

[B]

There is. I think so. Yeah.

[A]

Luke.

[C]

Resorts World, New York City.

[B]

Hello.

[A]

Played at tables.

[B]

I. I really like that social one. You go to the Y or whatever.

[A]

You know, go to the ymca.

[B]

Yeah. Meet other old, other, you know, elder, elderly people.

[A]

What about like reading to vets or something like that? Old vets at like a nursing home. Take them out.

[B]

Volunteer at the nursing home. Pick out what room you want.

[A]

That's not bad.

[B]

Could take up chess. I hate playing in the park.

[A]

Nah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Too many bugs.

[B]

All right, Trying.

[A]

But I do like, you know, if I, you know, maybe like went and helped read or something like that to old vets or sit and talk to them.

[C]

It seems like the New York Public Library has a service doing that.

[B]

Oh, all right. Me though.

[A]

I guess I'll get.

[C]

No, you can.

[A]

What about, like. What about look up, like volunteering for old people to hang out with them or something? You know.

[B]

Like companion type stuff? Yeah, I mean, girlfriend experience.

[A]

I'm not escorting.

[B]

What about an only fans or is there only fans for fat guys? Yeah, let's make a couple.

[A]

Show my butthole.

[B]

You don't have to do that. You hit him with the bird, with the batwing. You ain't got to show nothing. Just like we'll like put you in like lingerie. I mean, if that's what you're. That's what you're looking at. Sure, you know, scantily clad, but like positions. We can make a couple of bucks.

[A]

Butthole out.

[B]

No, I mean, it sounds like you want to. Toys if you want. Listen, it's Adam and Eve, baby, not Adam and Steve. What about swimming? Swim once a week. Get up, get into the pool. Little water aerobics. That's what Denise does.

[A]

It's not bad.

[B]

I get you up. Did you join the Y? Find out. Find out where there's a Y in Astoria with a pool. It's like eight, dude. A what? The Y is like 14 bucks for the year. You go jump in a pool once, Once a week. Just go. I go every.

[A]

Freshen up.

[B]

Every Tuesday morning. Every Tuesday and Thursday. Whatever you get up.

[A]

I should get more involved in the community.

[C]

Long Island City's got one long.

[A]

Do they?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What about running for something? Comptroller or something out there in Queens? Take over the streets.

[B]

You don't have it, man.

[A]

Run for Congress. AOC did it. Goddamn bartender.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Why don't you join your community first?

[A]

That's what I'm saying.

[B]

Listen. Get your affairs in order. Get a will going.

[A]

Is that what this says? That say that?

[B]

It does.

[A]

I don't have any affairs. Pay rent. I got the broad, Patty. It's all theirs.

[B]

Lucky them, huh? Leave him a handgun and a bullet.

[A]

Kind of skyrocketing American Express bill.

[B]

You could do geocaching.

[A]

What's that? Hold on. Geocache. What are you laughing at? What? Like cloud seeding?

[B]

What?

[A]

What?

[B]

Cloud seeding.

[A]

That's geo. Something where they seed the clouds and make it rain.

[B]

Oh, no. For those detail oriented, which you are not. You use Global positioning system, receiver or mobile device and other navigational techniques to hide and seek containers called geocaches.

[A]

Like the Pokemon game?

[B]

Yeah, a little bit. Yeah.

[A]

Huh. What's in there?

[C]

It's just like a list that you kind of write your name on and then you put it back and then you hide it again.

[B]

Yeah, the typical cache.

[A]

If I hide it, would I know where it is?

[B]

Yeah, but then you go look for another one. Yeah. You leave it there for other people to find. A small. It's a small waterproof container containing a logbook and a pen or pencil. The Geocacher signs the log with their code name and date to prove they found the cache. After signing the log, the cache must be put back exactly where the person found it. Larger containers, such as plastic food containers, can also contain items for trading, such as small toys, butt plugs or trinkets.

[A]

Put some lasagna in there.

[B]

I left some of my salmon I had over I had from. Should be good. It's cold out.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All right.

[B]

You had to pick your top three out of that.

[A]

I like the. The cloisters and the bird photography.

[B]

Come on, I'll meet you.

[A]

We gotta get a camera.

[C]

I'll give you one right now.

[B]

Yeah, we're fucking looking at seven cameras.

[C]

Why don't. Why don't we send you home? You can take homework is 10 pictures by the time we come back.

[B]

Listen, this is good. One day this week. Nice. Maybe next week or at the end of the week. Next week we'll pick a nice day, come up to the Cloisters. We'll take on. Me, you and Hans go for a.

[A]

Walk, go bird watching.

[B]

Bird watching?

[A]

What's up there?

[B]

What do you mean? Hawks. You ever been up there? Hawks?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, like pigeons.

[A]

I seen them.

[B]

No, I don't know. There's a bunch of birds. Listen, I'm not looking at the birds. I'm looking at the worlds. These old bags are always taking more of an ass.

[A]

Man.

[B]

Look at the gazongas on that toucan.

[A]

That's illegal, right?

[B]

Well, taking pictures of women. Not at the Republic. I don't know what to tell you. It is if it is. If you're looking through their window.

[A]

Found that. That's the hard way.

[B]

Served a nickel.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I think that'd be nice. Come up, we'll go. We'll go for a walk, drive up.

[A]

You know, I like the metal detecting thing. What about like to like a battleground or something? They fight any battles around here?

[B]

Gettysburg? No. Yeah.

[A]

That place is haunted. You know, I ain't going near that. I'm talking about up here.

[B]

Yeah. If. I mean it's. I mean, it's all for why I live right next to Fort Washington. They got steamrolled in like 15 minutes by the Brit. Seriously, like proper steamroll.

[A]

Was Washington there?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is that how he got across the river?

[B]

But no, he crossed the river in Bucks County.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Washington's Crossing.

[A]

What was he doing up there in the Heights to run this shit?

[B]

Look up for Washington? Believe it? Yeah. No. What's it called? What they call it? Corbin Park.

[A]

Fort Washington. That's in Philly.

[B]

What?

[A]

That's in Philly, near Ambler. Isn't that Fort Washington? What the am I thinking of? There's no Fort Washington in New York.

[B]

I live next to. I live on Fort Washington Avenue.

[A]

Oh, you do?

[B]

I used to. What park? Oh, it's. Oh, that's Bennett Park. Bennett park was Fort Washington.

[A]

Probably find some sweet shit up there. Some hessian.

[B]

It's the highest point in Manhattan. Is Bennett park, which used to be was Fort Washington.

[A]

He had the high ground and he still got his ass kicked.

[B]

It's like literally. The plaque even says it was like eight. They're like, they. They. The man stood tall and firm eight and a half minutes. The red coats came, came in like a patch.

[C]

Captured arrowheads, captured 2,838American prisoners.

[A]

Jesus. How many red coats were there four.

[B]

Guys are training dudes. Assassins.

[A]

Really? 2,000? That sucks. Yeah.

[C]

They had 8, 000 dudes.

[B]

8,000? Yeah.

[A]

That's a lot.

[B]

They still got a cannon in there. Cannon? From the part of Fort Washington memorials, I take that. I don't think so. I think it's heavy.

[A]

I like the metal detecting on the.

[B]

Beach, but are you gonna get out on the beach? That's the only thing that means you gotta get up, you gotta put your shoes on.

[A]

Maybe I could just do it in the neighborhood.

[B]

You're in bed rubbing your toes with it.

[C]

I didn't use needles.

[B]

Oh, look, another car bumper. Wow.

[A]

That's a Tesla.

[B]

I found another. I found another Yellow Cab. All right, well, we'll see what we put into. What we put into practice here.

[A]

Okay? Yeah. All right.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Very fun, gang.

[B]

Hey, why don't you try hosting the show, gang?

[A]

Like we say every weekend, we love you. Hit me up if you got more suggestions. I know a few weeks ago, you people hit me up with a couple suggestions when we're lightly talking about this. But now that we flush it out, let me know. Or if you want to hang, I'm looking for friends. Love you. See you next weekend. Peace.