Patreon Episode: Foley's Fashion Show! | Are You Garbage (FULL)

Summary

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Are You Garbage? Patreon Episode: "Foley’s Fashion Show!" | FULL

Hosts: Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Date: January 9, 2026

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Episode Overview

This bonus Patreon episode of Are You Garbage? is a raucous, off-the-cuff hangout where hosts Kevin Ryan and H. Foley embark on a surprise fashion intervention for Foley, putting his notorious lack of style to the ultimate test. With their producer and pals in tow, the gang delivers a blend of heartfelt teasing, classic blue-collar banter, and hilarious outfit try-ons. The episode pivots around Foley's "fashion show," but also delivers the signature freewheeling stories and garbage-classy debates fans love.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

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1. Warm-up Banter & Life Updates (00:00–04:43)

• The hosts kick things off acknowledging their "garbage" lifestyle and trading friendly jabs.
• Foley shares updates on his upcoming film project, referencing his new mustache and efforts to prep for filming (02:13).
• No one has noticed the mustache:

  "No one's asked about it. It's completely just a beard now." — Foley (02:24)

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2. Setting the Stage: Foley’s Fashion Intervention (04:44–10:46)

• Kevin and the team reveal that they've orchestrated a secret fashion makeover for Foley, who is famously resistant to style changes.
• Foley reacts with both dread and reluctant excitement:

  "I'm like the fattest 7 year old. I don't know. This could all be prosciutto in here." — Foley (07:22)

  • It's revealed he’s not wearing socks or underwear, prompting a barrage of ribbing.

Notable Quote

"We're getting you ready for the ball, little lady." — Kevin (06:18)

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3. Foley’s Fashion Show: Wardrobe Roast & Try-Ons (10:47–21:21)

• Foley tries on various new clothes sourced from DXL (a big & tall retailer), with the crew giving real-time feedback.
• Humorous discomfort over sizes and styles, including a flashy “Guido” button-up, numerous polos, and jeans.
• Kevin and others tease Foley for his lack of staples, overreliance on old tees, and rejection of “adult” style.

Highlights & Jokes:

• Running gag about Foley looking like a magician, car rental employee, or an overgrown kid.
• "That's Robert Graham, Teddy Graham's brother. It's an offshoot. Like a wedding or something. Like a nice dinner." — Kevin (14:14)
• “How do you feel? …They look a little tight.” — Kevin, on Foley’s jeans (19:18)

Frequent Roasts:

• Foley’s distaste for polos: "Do I work at a fucking car rental place? ... That’s not my style." — Foley (11:14)
• On price: “How much is that? What's the price tag say?” "155." "Are you fucking kidding?" — Kevin & Foley (14:38–14:44)
• On fit: “That shirt is a little big now that you’re sitting in it.” — Kevin (26:31)

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4. The DXL Outing & Retail Therapy (21:22–26:13)

• The guys recount the chaos of shopping for Foley at DXL.

• Stories about the sales associates and Foley’s customer file:

  "If you go to a local DXL, you give them your phone number, all your stuff is saved in there. Fucking rats." — Kevin (07:29)

  • Staff didn't remember Foley by photo; playful grudge voiced.

• Discussion of the DXL work environment and employee perks:

  “Probably see what the employee discount is over there at the xl. ... That’s not bad perk.” — Kevin (23:38)

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5. Transition to Business & Adulting Mishaps (26:14–40:46)

• Foley talks about dry cleaning, networking with "powerful people," prepping for meetings, and his neuroses regarding bringing new things home.

• A running bit develops about him never taking gifts or clothes home from the studio—emblematic of his avoidance tendencies.

• Foley reveals he finally got his REAL ID, recounting the arduous DMV trip, with Ryan as support.

  “Set the appointment, did the paperwork, told me what to bring, all that kind of stuff. And he's waiting down there for me with a fucking... egg bites and a cold brew.” — Foley (43:30)

• Discussion: awkward moments at the DMV, missing paperwork, and Foley's flirting with the DMV staff (47:00–47:09).

Contrasting Management at DXL

"That's pretty fucked up to only pay a manager $3 more an hour and deal with all that shit... I ain't fucking listening to you." — Kevin (24:28)

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6. Tech Mishaps & NYC Hustle: The Sponsor Call Fiasco (40:47–58:47)

• Kevin details a disaster morning rushing from an Uber, spilling coffee in his laptop, missing a sponsor call, and running through the city:

  "I start fucking running. …It looks like you just knocked over a jewelry store." — Foley (55:23)

• Typical "Are You Garbage" relatability: fighting tech, scheduling chaos, old habits die hard.

Great Anecdote

• Multiple recountings of Kevin and Foley both being late/struggling with paperwork, leading to comedic finger-pointing and classic garbage energy.

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7. Closing Reflections & Takeaways (58:47–End)

• Foley’s genuine gratitude for the intervention:

  "Can't thank you guys enough. This was so much fun, and I appreciate it." — Foley (58:47)

• Kev and the crew tease whether Foley will ever actually wear the new clothes outside the studio.
• They wrap with a reminder to catch the next episode and thank their Patreon family.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On wardrobe sabotage:
  "Did you get pants? Son of a bitch. Let's do it." — Foley (08:44)

• On wardrobe upgrades:
  "That fits you nice. And you look cool." — Kevin (13:36)

• Self-awareness:
  "I'm just lazy. ...I always want to push it off. Whatever it is." — Foley (30:03)

• On retail work:
  "That's not bad perk. ... Probably see what the employee discount is over there at the xl." — Kevin (23:38)

• On technology:
  "I don't get Google alerts." — Foley (50:40)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Segment | Timestamp | |---------------------------------------------|-------------| | Podcast intro & catch-up | 00:00–04:43 | | Fashion show setup & Foley's dread | 04:44–10:46 | | Fashion show (try-ons & roasts) | 10:47–21:21 | | DXL shopping trip & employment talk | 21:22–26:13 | | Dry cleaning, closet avoidance, meetings | 26:14–40:46 | | REAL ID, DMV misadventures, support roles | 40:47–47:09 | | Tech panic & sponsor call story | 55:23–58:47 | | Wrap-up, new gear gratitude, closing | 58:47–end |

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Tone & Style

The episode is classic "Are You Garbage?"—busting chops, blue-collar camaraderie, and zero ego about their own foibles. Much of the content is built on mutual ribbing, inside jokes, and genuine affection for one another. The “fashion show” stunt allows for escalating physical comedy and self-mockery, with everyone playing up their “garbage” credentials while still rooting for each other to step up and succeed (or at least look presentable).

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For New Listeners

If you haven’t experienced Are You Garbage? before, this episode captures the show’s heart: relentless but loving ridicule among friends, nostalgic and working-class anecdotes, and the subtle celebration of being a little bit “garbage.” Even without video, the palpable affection and unpolished realness make the chaos of Foley’s fashion show a hilarious, relatable highlight.

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Transcript

[A]

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are you Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R U Garbage. It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find it after good to be classy. Yeah, just a big old piece of trash.

[B]

Trash, trash, trash, trash.

[A]

I'm your host, H. Foley. Coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here with Toady's in a new edition. But I'm going to tell you folks that. Why is that, my good pal Kevin?

[B]

Because of the motherfucking homies.

[A]

Because they're the motherfucking homies right here on the old Patreon for a little.

[B]

Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh.

[A]

Bonus episode.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yes, sir, the boys and the homies were hanging out. My co host. My aforementioned co host. Stand up gentleman. Good guy, good kid. Ride or die, bitch. Let me tell you that right now. Shotgun man.

[B]

Bottom bitch. He always come up with my bread.

[A]

This guy will stick an eight ball up his ass for just about anybody. Give it up for kj, Kevin, James Ryan.

[B]

We ain't talking to drugs. I'm talking bull ball slew, party trick. Shout out, everybody. Welcome. Welcome. What am I doing? I'm all flustered. Shout out to the motherfucking homies, baby. The lifeblood organization. A goddamn shout out. Undercover brothers, the sleeper cells that we freaking. Love you the ladies, man.

[A]

Love you gang, so much. And we also love our good pal producers, Lucas Patoukas.

[C]

Hello, everyone.

[A]

Corner office for the, for the. For the homies out there. It's a Friday.

[C]

Just happy to be here.

[A]

Just happy to be here. Getting out of here. You got you a nice lunch. Got a nice weekend plan.

[C]

Big weekend.

[A]

Yeah, you love it all the way.

[B]

Thursday.

[A]

What's Friday to us, man?

[B]

Later. Working on the weekends like usual.

[A]

Working on a Wednesday like usual. Now this is a. It's a mystery episode, ladies and gentlemen.

[B]

You're not gonna like it. You know, just can you have fun?

[A]

Been a very busy, busy couple of weeks. Very close to going out on the road. Can't wait for that. I'm obviously in pre production for my film that I'm doing. That explains the mustache.

[B]

No one's asked about it. It's completely just a beard now.

[A]

Trimming up the physique a little bit, you know, working, you Know, working on my lines, working on the script, thinking of the direction of my character, how I'm gonna play it and all that kind of stuff. Yeah, it's great, but what's going on with you?

[B]

Nothing. This was. It's kind of funny.

[A]

What is? How much of a jerk off I am.

[B]

100%. A hundred and ten percent.

[A]

And I appreciate you guys loving me. I can't thank you enough.

[B]

No, it's okay. It's great.

[A]

I was talking to the homies, not you stabbing at my eyeballs, dragging me down.

[B]

What are you doing? I'm trying to get you into like clinical help. I'm trying to get you into fucking.

[A]

Programs I am still waiting on to get back to me.

[B]

Yeah, you got to give these doctors some time.

[A]

What the fuck's that? What if I was fucking getting ready to fucking waste myself?

[B]

Fingers crossed.

[A]

I just mean have a couple of beers. Everybody relax. I did send her a very thought out message.

[B]

What's up, you, you girl. Them titty certified. I got a doctorate in B holes. Call me back. You leave them voicemails. Problem? Yes. Yeah, we're trying to get the big man. Big man's doing great. Bugman's back. Big man's great. You know, just baby steps. A little guidance from old Kipirino. Luke. New guy Luke. You know, keep you on a short leash. Yeah, you know, it's back to school season. You're a big. You're a big season guy, you know.

[A]

Must be the season of the Kippy.

[B]

It's very much, you know, you're, you're, you know, it's a new us. We're going back out on tour. You're, you know, you're, you're, you're. Circle in the wagons. We're tightening it up. We're doing this, we're doing that.

[A]

I could feel the crisp breeze of a Sunday on my face as the golden sun is setting behind the neighborhood in Bluebell, Pennsylvania. I can smell the meatloaf cooking in my mom's. I can smell the grass on my knees from playing football with the.

[B]

Playing pocket pool with the neighborhood.

[A]

Playing football with the guys. Coming back with my brother. You know what I mean? High school, maybe a sophomore hanging out with my brother and his friends, discovering new music. Did I ever tell you about the time that.

[B]

Sorry, my sleep apnea kicked in. Kind of crazy. I'm drinking a lot of coffee and you were still able to put me to sleep. That's crazy.

[A]

We did a pickup game of lacrosse right before the season started. And I was A freshman and this senior at the time, Eric McCorny, great guy, defenseman, who was friends with my brother, who was a sophomore at the time. Or no, he was a junior at.

[B]

The time, it doesn't matter.

[A]

Picked us up and drove us home and it was like a. It was like a beautiful Sunday. Exactly what we're talking about. And he played Superman by REM for the first time. And in the back of my head I was like, everything's going to be all right. It's going to be fun.

[B]

Well, he was that wrong.

[A]

Bits and pieces. Yeah, half of it was a dream, half of it was a nightmare, but oh my God, you know?

[B]

Sure, yeah, I know. Yeah, totally.

[A]

So what about the seasons?

[B]

You know, seasons change, haircuts change. Fucking, you know, wardrobe changes. Yeah, uh huh.

[C]

Bugman never changes.

[B]

Bugman doesn't change. We're trying to get Bugman to change. Bugman resistant to change.

[A]

I've never really changed my style, have I?

[B]

Nope. And that's what we're doing today. We went out and got you gear. You're a pretty little woman. Let's go. Go Ryan. Hit it.

[A]

No.

[B]

Little pretty woman. Little pretty woman.

[A]

I got to try on clothes.

[B]

We're getting you ready for the ball, little lady.

[A]

Come on.

[B]

What?

[A]

I got to like take my shoes and stuff off. I don't have any underwear on either.

[B]

That's their problem.

[A]

I'm not wearing socks or underwear.

[B]

You're not wearing underwear? What are you doing?

[A]

I'm a freak.

[B]

All right, well, I guess we own these pants now.

[A]

What do you got?

[B]

You got you some stuff. Okay, so funny. I mean, we've planned this completely under your nose, like not even really trying to hide it. Talking about it in plain sight in front of you. And you had no idea, man, it's Friday.

[A]

It's going to be fucking phone it in for a couple of minutes and get out of here.

[B]

Up and change gear for the weekend.

[A]

Gear for the weekend, you're saying?

[B]

Let's hang out. Let's hang out.

[A]

I'm not going to do anything.

[B]

Right, right. Get in here. What do you mean?

[A]

I'm home alone. I'm gonna.

[B]

Not anymore, baby. We're out.

[A]

I'm gonna shut the phone off and disappear for.

[B]

No, no, no. That's what old bug man does. New bug man's back, fresh gear. I don't know what he got. Yeah, who is getting some pictures?

[A]

Wait, you let this.

[B]

That's. That's how you produce a comedy show.

[A]

I'm like the fattest 7 year old I Don't know.

[B]

This could all be prosciutto in here. I don't know.

[A]

You don't know what size I am?

[B]

Yes, we do. If you go to a local dxl, you give them your phone number. All your stuff is saved in there.

[A]

Fucking rats.

[B]

Apparently.

[A]

Isn't there a HIPAA law against that? Hippo law. Apparently they can't say that.

[B]

Apparently you're a.

[A]

That's like when you tell a doctor.

[B]

12 inch submarine sandwich kind of guy.

[A]

That's when you tell a doctor that you've done drugs. They can't say nothing. Anybody. They try to put it in your chart and I say, ew, that's between us. Like, well, you could have a heart attack with the medication. I'll take the heart attack. Don't fucking rat me out.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

You know I'm saying, what do you got? The very sweeties. What Very Sweeties?

[B]

I listen, you need. You got an active something stain on your pants. That was unplanned. We already had this plan before. I saw like, I don't need new jeans.

[A]

These are great. All right, let's.

[B]

Might need more than one pair of jeans in life.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Maybe you know what I mean. Are you familiar with salvage.

[A]

Wrapped up like a mummy?

[B]

Give me.

[A]

Eight. You got me trying on clothes I like. When I go into dxl, I go in with a light pair of shorts and flip flops so I can get out easy.

[B]

All right, well, not everything's fucking.

[A]

I'm have to put my pants on like six times. Did you get pants? Son of a bitch. Let's do it.

[B]

They look real stiff. They look real itchy.

[A]

And I'm sure you bought me small sizes just so you can all have.

[B]

A laugh at it. No, no. We want what's best for you. We always don't. I think in your head, you think we don't. What are you, a loser pea brain? Like you would.

[A]

All right, let's see what you got.

[B]

These clothes are heavy.

[A]

Heavy dog.

[B]

It's crazy. There should be like 400 pairs of shoes in here at that we.

[A]

There's three T shirts and some construction material.

[B]

This is nice. 69.$50 or size 69X. True Nation. You know True nation.

[A]

Do I. I'm living in the dog. That's where my jean jackets are. All True nation.

[C]

The bags do look like contractor bags.

[A]

Whoa, that's pretty sharp.

[B]

High quality shit we're talking there.

[A]

Very nice.

[B]

That's a. You got to see it on 5XL. That's in the wheelhouse it's in the wheelhouse.

[C]

You can change over also.

[B]

Yeah, you can. You don't have to change on camera. Take a step off.

[A]

Who you're paying for.

[B]

Blur them out. That's a lot of pixels. What's the blur, Trav? What's the blur budget on this? Not bad. I would go open. Oh. Whoa. That new style. Big man back throwing like a white tee under that.

[C]

That's nice.

[B]

That's. Dude, from the back, you look like a fucking snack. That looks good.

[C]

You look like a linebacker kind of.

[B]

You look good. You look like a football player that you claim to be. That dude. That's. That's. You look good. I can maybe.

[C]

I think.

[B]

Yeah, maybe a little shorter than. We'll take it to the tailor. Get him. Zip it up in the front a little bit, but that's vibing. That's better than anything you got.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

That's some good gear.

[B]

Got you. Then. We got you some. We got you some staples.

[A]

Some fall classics, I think, like lunch meat, cheese, bread, milk.

[B]

Just have stuff in case someone comes over. Case it rains. Polo.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Spruce you up a little bit.

[A]

Off brand. Polo.

[B]

Let me try in the poly. I'll see you in a. At least one. You don't have to try everything on, but one of the. One of everything. I'm big on a Polo's Ry guy did. What?

[A]

Do I work at a fucking car rental place? I'm not gonna wear these. I don't wear. That's not my style.

[B]

You don't have a style.

[A]

I do. I definitely don't wear fucking off brand stuff. Polo, Gucci, Yves Saint Laurent.

[B]

This could be. This could be big for you. You'd be hanging out with Luke and his cool guy friends. Yeah, Luke's dad. You think Luke's dad wants to hang out with a guy in a fucking snow camo shirt or whatever it is that you wear. That looks 500 years old. That looks nice.

[C]

Good.

[B]

What are we doing?

[C]

Really nice.

[B]

You're killing it.

[C]

That looks great.

[B]

What? You're a new guy. A fresh coat of paint. Look at you. I'm shocked. Undo the button. Stay a little bit, will you?

[A]

What's. What's that? Am I. Is my parents going to come in here or something like that?

[B]

What the.

[A]

It just seems being too nice. There's not an intervent. I swear to God, if I go in there crazy, lose it. I'll kill myself right in front of.

[B]

First of all, bad news. Your dad's not coming. What? Your dad's not what? Son of a He never loves me. You look great.

[C]

Really good.

[B]

Come on. Round of let. Let the. Let the Runway model see it. He hates this. I'm loving every minute of it. All right, well, you take your break. You take a break from trying stuff on for a second.

[A]

It's nice.

[B]

Got you a stable full of fucking fresh teas.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

You can burn through those with the pockets. The pockets look nice on you. It adds some dimension to you. Just saying. Yeah, yeah. It's a little fucking Takes the. Cuts the eye off a little bit.

[A]

There's my shirts. Thank you, Diesel.

[B]

All. All in your colors. I feel a little bit.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

You look great in the collared shirt.

[A]

Yeah, I look like I work here or something.

[B]

You do work here.

[A]

No, but I mean, like. Like, you know, I look like, you know, like I would.

[B]

No, you look like an adult who owned. Who at one point had 29.99 to buy a 5XL shirt with a collar. That's what you look like. You look great.

[A]

Well, I thought I looked good today when I came in.

[B]

No, that. What? That's bad.

[A]

Why is this bad?

[B]

Why? How's it good?

[A]

Because it fits me nice. I look cool.

[B]

That fits you nice. And you look cool.

[A]

When I put my sunglasses on and my chain's coming out, I look like, you know, what was this guy doing?

[B]

No one thinks that.

[A]

No one thinks that.

[B]

No. What's this guy? That's. That's your whole. That's your whole wardrobe. You want people to go, what's this guy doing? Hey, what's this guy all about?

[C]

Okay, Ryan, did you get any underwear?

[A]

What's in there? There's one more in there. Oh, yeah?

[B]

Well, you took a couple of swings. It looks like. Oh, God, man, you are a fucking guido. Look at this thing. Who is he? Vinnie Ponzarini. What the fuck? That's crazy.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I kind of like it, though, if I'm being honest. That's Robert Graham, Teddy Graham's brother. It's an offshoot. That's all right, though. Like a wedding or something. Like a nice dinner. Good jeans. Showed a watch off the chain. That's flashy. Oh, man, that's a little too.

[A]

I can't wear this.

[B]

Yeah, obviously. Not, like, on stage or nothing.

[C]

You look like you're doing a Vegas show. Henry Houdini.

[B]

When did you start opening for Sebastian? Listen, what are you. What's your. You look like a fat kid going to church. Not happy. Watch me make this Ogie train disappear.

[A]

Watch me make this guy's penis now.

[B]

You see it, now you don't.

[A]

Isn't it crazy? I'm still talking and you can't see it.

[B]

It's in my ass.

[A]

Yeah, that's funny.

[B]

That's fun. Listen, hold on. But, like, you're going out to a nice dinner or something with a jacket. Something nice. I'm trying to make it work.

[A]

This is too, like. Yeah, it's too guido.

[B]

Y. That's a big swing. How much is that? What's the price tag say on that?

[A]

155.

[B]

Are you fucking kidding? What was this? Total haul.

[A]

Adding this up.

[B]

Let's see how good you are.

[A]

Probably about six, seven hundred dollars. Yeah.

[B]

What was it?

[A]

Whoa, you're good shot there.

[B]

I'm a magician. What do you want?

[A]

Is this your shirt? Yeah. I mean, this looks like I'm getting a haircut. Yeah, she's doing pretty good.

[B]

Just a little off the top.

[A]

All right.

[B]

I respect this wing, though. Yeah, I respect this wing. He tried.

[A]

Man, you are a ginzo.

[B]

Oh, that's so funny.

[A]

Were you eating a cutlet when you picked this out?

[B]

That's like. That's something. I don't want.

[A]

Something I can get sauce on, like, four or five days in a row. All right, Give me something. I'm naked over here.

[B]

My tits out when he told you to take it.

[A]

Well, I don't know. You want to give it to him? Goddamn showman. I know they've been all itching to see this.

[B]

I told you how gross it really is. I'm a magician off the Strip. I know something about show business. All right, this is not. You're gonna need to put a tee on for this, though.

[A]

Why? That's a Timmy Dito.

[B]

No, no, no. That's a Showstopper, dude. It's a black zip. Up. No, that's it. Man, I wonder why your traps are so big. That is heavy. It's like you're doing deadlifts all day.

[A]

What are my traps? Are they big?

[B]

Yeah, I mean, because you're carrying around 18 pounds of sheet metal on you. That's like wearing chain mail.

[C]

This looks great.

[A]

But Timmy D. Wears the polo.

[C]

No, he doesn't do the full zip.

[A]

Doesn't matter.

[B]

It does. First of all, step on Timmy's toes, you're not stepping on. That's great.

[A]

Yeah. What's up, girls? Nice.

[B]

That's really good. That one's nice.

[A]

I know. This wasn't.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Check the link. Go in there and shop like a fucking Westchester housewife, don't you?

[B]

How much was It.

[A]

Nuh.

[B]

What? The rest is 18 cents. 168. It's all right. Polo. Ralph Laurenti knows what he's doing. There you go. I bet you $669 we never see any of this on him ever again. It's gonna go in a bag and sit in that fucking closet.

[C]

It looks good.

[B]

Pair of trousers for you. Levi's. They're athletic, no? What?

[A]

I don't like the ankles.

[B]

What's wrong with them?

[A]

They're too big.

[B]

Can we see them for comedy purposes? Come on, Bugman.

[A]

They're 52s. They're not gonna fit.

[B]

What size are you?

[A]

Not 50.

[B]

108.

[A]

Come on.

[B]

What? All the bullshit you've given me over the past fucking three months for comedy. We can't get a fat guy in a new pair of jeans.

[C]

The Robert Graham shirts are so funny. There's like. They're like. They do, like, Superman styles. Like, it's all like, Robert Graham shirts. Yeah, like that magician shirt.

[B]

Oh, are that them? What are we talking about? You look great. What's wrong with the ankles?

[A]

I like a tape.

[B]

I gotta call. I got a couple complaints about them toenails, but those 5x things too. Yikes.

[A]

You look.

[B]

That looks good. How do they feel? They look a little tight.

[A]

No, they're great.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

They feel good.

[A]

And they're thin.

[C]

The ankles look normal.

[A]

I mean, I can't wear this. Why not? Okay. Jay Leno.

[B]

He's got a career now. That guy's got some good material.

[A]

I got material. Keep stealing and doing my bits in front of other people.

[B]

When? I don't know. I don't know. I'm lightheaded.

[A]

What's next?

[B]

I got one more shirt for you.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Button up. Huh?

[A]

Ah.

[B]

They said you were. He said he talked to the. What did they. What did they say? Get on the mic and give us a little bit of.

[A]

Bought me a short sleeve. Button up.

[B]

You thought. What do you think the Hawaiian is?

[A]

I know, but thought it was gonna hook me up now, but.

[B]

Cool. This is cooler than anything you got. I'm gonna catch a ration of shit at the end of this.

[A]

Very nice. Hope you guys can hear me out there. And I hope you're not eating.

[B]

If you are, save me some.

[A]

Very nice.

[B]

Have you ever been one of those guys that puts it on? That is you.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Keep it buttoned. That slipped right on. Like a glove.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

That looks good.

[C]

Looks like Luke Combs.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. It's that vibe.

[B]

Yeah. A little big, but gets the job done. Sitting down at the table. You look nice.

[C]

Nice shirt.

[B]

How's it feel?

[A]

Great.

[B]

I can tell when he's lying with a grate.

[A]

That's good.

[B]

What's that?

[A]

I could eat.

[B]

Now? Did we spray any of these with like ether or anything to prevent stains. Put that shoe stuff on them.

[A]

Very sweet, man. Awesome. Yeah, we can keep the guido on as a joke or something. I don't want to keep away from the table.

[B]

Uh huh.

[A]

Now I'm only gonna be in these for a couple of months because I'm going down. So I'll have to do this again in a couple of. Couple of months.

[B]

That's okay.

[A]

Not dxl.

[B]

What are you thinking? What's bigger than that?

[A]

Dxxl. Athletic taper. Good job.

[B]

For the former athlete.

[A]

For the former athlete in all of us in the Waffle House. Awesome. Love it. Fucking awesome. Can't thank you enough. Look, throw this shit out for me. It's. It's all the stuff that I get.

[B]

I mean, yeah, a little upset about the non name brand which.

[A]

Hey, no, I'm joking. These are my brand. These are the T shirts that I wear. Other than True Classic. How you doing? I just. I never really with polos because I look like I work somewhere. You know what I mean?

[B]

I mean sure I get the. But not everybody that wears the polo looks like fucking Jake from State Farm. You know what I mean?

[A]

He looks like he works there.

[B]

That's the bit. It's also a red polo. I mean a light blue polo. Yeah, or like the royal blue polo. You look like you work at Best Buy. Yeah. There's no other connection to a black polo though.

[A]

Okay. I Home run of a job. Great job. Love you guys.

[B]

What did. What were the vibes in the DXL when you got there?

[A]

Who took care of you? Was it Angel?

[D]

It was not Angel. I asked for Angel. He's off today.

[A]

Okay. Skinny black guy?

[D]

No, Elizabeth. Older woman.

[A]

Oh yeah. She's nice.

[D]

Showed her a picture you shouldn't remember.

[A]

Really?

[C]

Really.

[B]

Huh. Bitch.

[A]

Remember that commission? Did you give something to St. Jude's now? What? That's bad luck, man. You're gonna get me fucking jacked up. I already got the ladybug hanging over me from a couple of weeks ago.

[B]

You let go of that. What was. Were you in and out of there pretty quick?

[D]

Nah, there's. They were slow. They were walkie talking to each other from across the room.

[A]

It's probably lunchtime. They're not fat in there. Dxl.

[D]

It's always lunchtime.

[B]

I mean, that's probably a pretty good gig for someone who's, like, a little heavier, because then you're not, you know, you're the fattest guy in the room.

[A]

I could work there.

[B]

You have a job.

[A]

I know. I'm just saying I could.

[B]

Sure, you can work anywhere.

[A]

I get a job there on the weekends, keep myself busy.

[B]

I don't hate that. And probably see what the employee discount is over there at the xl. That's true. I save a couple. Couple hundred bucks a year doing it. That's. That's not bad perk.

[A]

I mean, who's not going to listen to me?

[B]

Come on. You got to dress full. You got to dress fresh, though. Not them fucking rags you've been walking around in.

[A]

I'd wear the clothes from there.

[C]

Sure.

[A]

Plus there's a pizza place across the street that'll fucking blow.

[B]

You keep them in business. How you doing?

[C]

Get a 30% discount.

[B]

What? Really crazy.

[A]

What's the hourly rate? And do they offer health insurance and a 401k?

[B]

You have health insurance?

[A]

They don't know that.

[B]

Double dip. Pick a card, any card.

[C]

About 15 per hour. And then if you get to management, you could do 18 to 28 per hour.

[A]

Management.

[B]

See, that's pretty fucked up to only pay a manager $3 more an hour and deal with all that shit. Because if I find out you're only making $3 more to me. I ain't fucking listening to you. I'll tell you that fucking much. Why you would sell, fucking say, $3. That's my D. You ain't better than me. Mm. That was always tough for the fucking guy who got bumped up. The guy or girl who got bumped up to happen at the fucking grocery store all the time. They bump someone up a couple, you know, they were a cashier. And then.

[A]

Nobody respects you.

[B]

No. Unless they're new people, which. Because then you come in as the manager, it's like you're. You were just fucking smoking weed with.

[A]

Me 10 minutes ago.

[B]

That's my deal.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. It's always tough. You see that stuff? You're like, yeah, you gotta. It's got.

[B]

What the fuck? Oh, dude, that was. You just freaked out. You put your. You put your little tootsie on the sticker over.

[A]

Got to get better at trimming my nails. Look at those things.

[B]

It's crazy.

[A]

Would you touch my foot? After all, I just did all that. I got my shirt off.

[B]

That for you.

[A]

Show my asshole.

[B]

No one made, first of all, the new guy. Hello. That's a fucking Lawsuit coming in.

[A]

What?

[B]

I'm surprised you played along there. It's kind of funny.

[A]

It's very nice.

[B]

I appreciate this.

[A]

I needed some new gear too. Under my nose. What are you talking about? Like I didn't know about it? Yeah, I knew about it. I was at DXL with him. I picked all this stuff out. I was working there. My first.

[B]

How do you think I got the discount? This would have cost him a thousand dollars easy. Yeah, no, I'm glad I. He hit the nail on the head. Some of the stuff a little, you know.

[A]

No, it's all. I mean all perfect except for one shirt.

[B]

I told him to get a couple of shackets. You're a big shacket guy.

[A]

Huge shacket season.

[B]

That's.

[A]

This is a shacket.

[C]

Yeah, but not.

[A]

The only problem is. Here's the thing.

[B]

What's the thing?

[A]

But except for the T shirts. If you wash any of this, it's over.

[B]

They can get dry clean.

[A]

Yeah. I should start dry cleaning more definitely working there.

[B]

That shirt is a little big now that you're sitting in it.

[A]

Drowning in it.

[B]

I know but it feels comfortable.

[A]

And I don't give a fuck. Long look good Trying to represent the business. Well and meetings and stuff like that, you know. I mean some pretty powerful people these days. I don't want to embarrass you.

[B]

Who are the powerful people?

[A]

We're meeting and we end today.

[B]

I talk about. Can we talk about that for a second? I screwed the fucking pooch on that.

[A]

I thought you were screwing me out of the deal.

[B]

I had a feeling that Katie trying.

[A]

To screw me out of some Cheez it money.

[B]

I had a feeling.

[A]

Got the Pepper Swarm people on the phone so we.

[B]

I had a call with a potential sponsor. But I thought was potential paid partnership. Yes. Which I thought was for. I thought was talking about mid Rolls.

[A]

We're talking about company men.

[B]

Sure. Good. You can wear a shirt. Looks like you work here now.

[A]

It's the Saudis.

[B]

I thought the call was at noon.

[A]

Hey. What are we fucking boring you little prick.

[B]

Draft. Cut the Luke. Hit him.

[A]

You cut the Luke.

[B]

Where the fuck are you?

[A]

Yeah, what the fuck? He's probably in the Jitney out to the Hamptons getting one more weekend in. It's the goddamn fall. You're weeks away. It's over.

[B]

Pack it up.

[A]

What?

[B]

Real rap.

[A]

Just you and me. Anyway.

[B]

What. What is your excuse not to take this stuff home today? Because I get it. Leaving here with stuff. Don't lie. It's great. I love it. We give Me, the real feel. I know leaving here with bags of stuff sucks.

[A]

Well, I put.

[B]

What is. What's spinning right now with. I gotta deal with this.

[A]

I put the jeans on so they're. They're coming home.

[B]

What's happening with the other pair of jeans? They got something. I thought it was dog vomit. There's something on m. Jeans.

[A]

I don't have a dog.

[B]

I know.

[A]

It could be semen.

[B]

It was a little red and Dancing with the devil.

[A]

Where the fuck you go?

[C]

I had to pee really bad. I'm sorry. Unprofessional.

[A]

Very. Chad. Got you. Caught you sleeping at work. I'm back.

[B]

What's the. What's the. You're gonna take a couple tea. So here's. I don't think laundry at the house is fully done at the moment, so part of me might think you can take. I'll take one or two tea. You're like, really by yourself? 24 hours.

[A]

I'm gonna wear this. Probably no shoes. I don't know if I'm putting my shoes back on because I. Putting shoes back on without socks after.

[B]

They'Ve already been on.

[A]

Yeah. And my. My things came out.

[B]

The insoles.

[A]

Oh, yeah. They. They held up. So I might just walk to the car in my bare feet now.

[B]

You're not. I can't let that happen.

[A]

Sure you can.

[B]

I can't.

[A]

Hey, you can.

[B]

No. We have some standards here. You work here now? We got standards.

[A]

Oh, am I hired?

[B]

You got to. Sure, yeah. $15 an hour. Be manager in a couple of years. 18.

[A]

Yeah. If it was. Ah.

[B]

What's the value? You can't take it home?

[A]

I can't take it home. I can't.

[B]

Why?

[A]

I have other stuff here.

[B]

I know you don't take anything home. You have a very leave here with nothing policy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You like being free.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But you just get in a car and go home.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So what's the. I do it. I don't like.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Our Christmas presents take a long time to get home.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Just like, you know, it's a long day. I mean, we're in here for sometimes 10 hours.

[A]

I'm just lazy.

[B]

I know you're. It's.

[A]

I don't want to do it, you know, I don't know what it is. I don't feel like I. I always want to push it off. Whatever it is. Everything reminds me. I gotta call American Express.

[B]

Got.

[A]

I need.

[B]

Hello? That was not me. No, no, no, no, no.

[A]

I gotta talk to him.

[B]

About what?

[A]

Couple of things that's not good. Number one, paying the bill. Work out a little deal. So we might be getting them on.

[B]

The spot to you by American Express.

[A]

I have to leave home without it.

[B]

I'm legally obligated to leave home without it. They shut my down. Okay.

[A]

Dude. I shut you down.

[B]

I don't know. Right. I've always paid.

[A]

You can shut me down. Doing business with them. Big cash.

[B]

Good business. It's good business for you.

[A]

Solid for them.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

It's all the interest charges. Sure. Paying it.

[A]

I don't around with that either. They like charging interest. Capital one. It's like a drunk gain at Christmas.

[B]

Smack them around a little bit. Pay them in gift cards if you want to.

[A]

I'll cut the card up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Now this was. This was awesome. This was cool as shit. Very sweetie and all. Everything that I would have bought.

[C]

What's your favorite thing?

[A]

I mean, the nice polo.

[C]

You like that?

[B]

The polo zip up polo. That's nice. That's like. That's something you can't. I get Timmy D stepping on his toes just because he wears so much polo. But it's like so many people wear polo. Zip ups.

[A]

I know. You know both bigger guys. It's kind of.

[B]

You guys also do have the same orange hoodie.

[A]

That was an accident.

[B]

I know what I'm saying. I didn't zip up is sick. I got one of them. Do you wear them at the same time? Doo wop.

[A]

We should be wearing the same shit like the Ramones.

[B]

Okay. All right.

[A]

You each try this. How about you try this?

[B]

Why don't you go. Why don't you go shopping for me? Whoa.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You talk all this cool guy stuff.

[A]

What size are you?

[B]

Large, Extra. If that's the problem. I fluctuate a little bit. All right. I think if you hit the jeans around a 36, you got the jeans covered.

[A]

You just need some tops. Something with the hair.

[B]

I got bad hair. What do you. There's not much there.

[A]

And get you some moisturizer for the eyes and the face, buddy.

[B]

I got a fucking newborn at home. You're breaking my stones.

[A]

Stop fucking leaning on the kid. The kid's skin looks great. You don't hear him complaining.

[B]

It's fucking eight weeks old. It hasn't been fucking riddled by tobacco, booze and loose women.

[A]

Let me go down there, whisper in his ear for a couple hours.

[B]

Turn him to stone. Dad.

[A]

Get this guy away from me. Is he saying anything yet?

[B]

A lot of. Lot of like he's trying. Like obviously there's like. But like It'll be like. He'll hit you with, like. He's trying to, like, obviously not talking, but it's like, no.

[A]

No Google Gaga yet. It's funny because they cry.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So their vocal cords work.

[B]

Yeah. I don't think they have that. Their brain isn't developed to, like, just to go. Your brain. Barely developed to fucking put words together.

[A]

Is not.

[B]

Yeah, I don't think their brains are. I don't know how it all works, but they don't have fully formed human brains yet. So it was my. Listen, I fucked up Juicy gang.

[A]

Juicy.

[B]

Relax, dude. This is how you screw things.

[A]

How do I screw it?

[B]

Not you. How the universe. Real Jew. Right before the email comes in, you're fucking going public. You're like, when Tyrese went public and almost blew the Apple deal with Beets.

[A]

Tyrese?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Gibson.

[B]

Isn't that his name? Yeah, Tyrese. He was with Dre when they made the fucking Apple deal where he became a billionaire. They're drunk, celebrating. He gets on fucking Instagram Live, and he's like, yeah, we billionaires out here. That almost fucking fumbled the deal.

[A]

Was Tyrese invested in it?

[B]

No, he was just big up in his boy, all fucked up.

[A]

Wait, Tyrese Gibson from Baby Boy?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Wait, is that. Is that what he did?

[B]

Who?

[C]

No, he's an R B singer.

[B]

Who is Tyrese?

[C]

Tyrese. And he was in the Fast and Furious franchise.

[A]

Oh, I thought he was an actor. Straight up.

[B]

He's an actor model. He was like triple threat.

[A]

Wait a minute. Jay Z sold beats to Apple?

[B]

Dr. Dre. Oh, Dr. Dre and Jimmy Iovine. Beats by Dre, it was called.

[A]

Right. But they stunk.

[B]

They were not the best. They were just the most popular. They were good. Like, good. They were fine.

[A]

So they were more popular than, like, the Apple headphones?

[B]

No, Apple or Beats had a really big streaming platform that Apple kind of just. They start buying up. That's kind of what those people do. Like, those. Like Apples and the Googles and the Facebooks. Like Facebook bought Instagram because it's like you already. You're already got it off the ground and figured out this proprietary technology that we. You know, we're not going to come up with better technology than you've already discovered. And you took. You took whatever it was 10 years to figure it out or something. They just fucking buy the company. It's now. Now it's fucking Apples.

[A]

What was the beat. What was Beat Streaming service. I don't remember that.

[B]

Yeah, I don't. I don't even think it was. I don't think it was ever fucking anything. But they had. They owned. Beats owned some sort of. My understanding of it. I think they explained in that documentary that Beats owned. Had better technology. Like one. One piece of code or something. Yeah. Apple just goes.

[C]

Their streaming service then became. It helped launch the Apple music.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

That we have today.

[A]

I thought we already had Apple Music back then.

[B]

No, I think we did not. Where not the streaming Apple music that was for like 399 or whatever. I think so. Yeah. What it is not yet. Not streaming you. There was Apple music where like you put the fucking CD in can like.

[A]

Put songs on your itunes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Itunes doesn't exist anymore.

[C]

It still exists. Yeah, but that's more their storefront now.

[A]

Storefront?

[B]

Yeah. Like you can go buy an album or buy a fucking movie or buy.

[A]

But imusic. You can stream for 3.99amonth.

[B]

It's like they're Spotify. Yeah. Listen, I'm not. I don't work in a fucking industry. I've never worked for the company. The loose idea was they bought them. They due to some technology.

[A]

Apple still own Beats.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah. Wow.

[A]

I don't.

[B]

They probably dissolve. I mean, you know, they're not dissolved it but they're like.

[C]

They still do the headphones and everything.

[A]

No shit.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

They weren't buying the headphones.

[A]

They didn't buy the headphones.

[B]

No, they. They did because they bought the company.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But like Apple doesn't need to sell you cool headphones.

[A]

Why not? I like cool headphones.

[B]

Sure. I'm saying that's not where they make their money.

[A]

I would argue it's in the technology in the streaming space.

[B]

It's in the. It was in a bigger investment play.

[C]

They do make a lot of money on their products. Because it's all proprietary.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What does that mean, proprietary?

[B]

It's their specific. Like the fucking. There's a reason you buy the Apple earbuds, Right. Because they're the best and they're.

[A]

What did Beats doing sales last year feel smart with his clothes on?

[B]

What did Kraft Singles close at today?

[C]

Beats is not publicly traded because it's Apple. It's owned by Apple.

[B]

So I see.

[A]

You don't know what their sales are.

[C]

No.

[A]

Huh. A couple hundred grand? Couple billion. Couple billion?

[B]

No, Million. Probably tens of millions.

[C]

Definitely.

[A]

And how much did he sell it for?

[B]

They made them billionaires, right?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah. Made him and Jimmy Iovine billionaires. Damn. So like Honda each made hundreds of millions of dollars from it.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

But they go back to you screwing the pooch. That's what he did. And they almost fucking. Because they couldn't go public yet. Why? That's how those fucking billion dollar deals go through. They don't just, like, fucking start tweeting it. They have to do their due diligence. The lawyers assigned to. Fuck. All this shit can go wrong. So it was like, here's the deal. Sign it, shut up till the fucking ink straight, and we can move forward. Dr. Dre and Tyrese went public on, like, Instagram Live or something, bragging. And then fucking Jimmy Iovine had to go tail between his legs to Apple and was like, I'm sorry, we got to fix it. Like, it was like his gum was. He was like, I wanted to fucking kill him.

[A]

Well, damn.

[B]

What?

[A]

They would cancel the deal because of that?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wouldn't they be excited that you're getting people excited about the launch of this product?

[B]

No, no, no. It's bigger than. That's what I'm saying. It's bigger than a product. They're going. Because now people are going. Well, they don't. Apple doesn't need to buy Beats headphones. They have great headphones. So what other propriety. What other strategic reason? I also don't know. I'm just saying this is how this business stuff works. What other reason would they be buying Beats for their streaming site that they've developed that's doing pretty well, or whatever the fucking idea. Now the competitors go. They're making a move. It wasn't to go, hey, all of a sudden, we were now selling Beats. It was to then, like, build out, take years, build out their streaming thing. Now everybody knows what the Going on.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I'm with it.

[B]

Turning me into Business Insider.

[A]

I got with it.

[B]

All right.

[C]

Great documentary. The Defiant Ones.

[B]

Yes. Yeah, I'd like to go back and get more eyes on that.

[A]

I'm gonna go. I'm gonna watch it tonight. My new clothes.

[B]

Have you never seen that? Great.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So good.

[A]

I like Sopranos.

[C]

Same streaming service.

[A]

What do you mean?

[C]

I believe it's on.

[A]

My old man. Yeah, I watched to be pornhub.

[B]

H. But that's what you're doing. A big, juicy deal, and then it's not gonna. You're gonna fucking gucc us, and it's not gonna go through. Also, we don't even know Foley's Foley in. This could be for 50 bucks.

[A]

Two in the bird, one in the bush.

[B]

Birds in your tosh, egg dank. What the fuck was he.

[A]

So we were. Let's let's tell the whole tale.

[B]

Here's the fucking. Here's what happened. Here's the turkey of it all. I. We had a call originally set or a couple weeks ago for noon. It was. The time was noon. Right. We then had to reschedule it last minute. They had to reschedule for last minute to this week, to today. And so I tell me, and you. You have a. You have an appointment at fucking. You gotta go get your driver's license or something.

[A]

I had to get my real ID so I could travel the country. Not with my passport like a loser.

[B]

You got cool shirt like that?

[A]

Well, I heard they take you in a room and check you out.

[B]

Really?

[A]

I don't want you looking too hard.

[B]

Starts even coming apart at the seams. Yeah.

[A]

I start freaking out, talking to the fuzz.

[B]

Gimpy's idea. Gibby's got weed. Get him.

[A]

He was training on Cessna's all week.

[B]

Oh, by the way, I was going to fucking. I was driving up here the other day. Mm. It was like. I don't know what kind of plane, but way too small to be landed in Newark Airport on the fucking. No kidding. Like there might have been four people in the. It looked like a. It didn't look like a. It was owned by a company.

[A]

You know, it could have been organ donor.

[B]

Oh, no. Yeah. Oh, but aren't they like jets typically?

[A]

Usually, maybe. What kind of plane was it?

[B]

Like a Cessna.

[A]

Maybe it was a black market organ donor.

[B]

But I was like. I remember I was looking up like, what in the fuck? That guy's. That guy's getting yelled at over the intercom for sure.

[A]

What the fuck are you doing?

[B]

Big Delta flight, kind of Lufthansa flight coming in over top of them, heavy bike. Yeah. It was just so funny because sometimes those. Depending on when they're landing, they come right over and you're like, oh, that's a huge. You see how big the 747s are? And. But then this little guy's like. You see him, like, shifting and stuff. I'm like, buddy, yoke that thing up, dude. So whatever. So I'm driving. So I got to drive into the city for a call at noon. You're Ryan D. Laced you today, too. In a good way.

[A]

Oh, great.

[B]

Give me. What happened?

[A]

Huh?

[B]

What happened?

[A]

I had to get. I had to get my. I had to get my real id. I'm an idiot.

[B]

And you dragged your feet on for a long time.

[A]

I did drag my feet on for. That's kind of what I do. That's why these clothes will sit here until the spring.

[B]

No, send them home with you.

[A]

A courier.

[B]

Ryan, I'll take them down for you. No, you can carry your clothes down. Am I doing. I just keep bending. I just keep bending the rules for this idiot.

[A]

Lunch.

[B]

Let's get a dinner. I can't. Then you go. I can't take my clothes. I'm going out to dinner. I'll get them tomorrow. I know that, baby.

[A]

I just keep getting you.

[B]

Everyone go get beers. Y' all get beers. I'm gonna leave these closer. No problem. Can't be a fucking. Can't get no chicks with a bag full of clothes looking like a goddamn fucking tourist. No, thank you.

[C]

How'd the day start with Ryan?

[A]

D. The day?

[B]

Set the appointment for you.

[A]

Set the appointment, did the paperwork, told me what to bring, all that kind of stuff. And he's waiting down there for me with a fucking.

[B]

He meets you. He's.

[A]

He meets me there with egg bites and a fucking cold brew.

[B]

Good guy.

[A]

However.

[B]

You thought you were off the bites.

[A]

Yeah. It was different today.

[B]

Why?

[A]

I don't know. My stomach was empty. I was starving. Yeah, I really did. I didn't eat it all yesterday. I didn't eat it all yesterday because I was sick. Because I took my shot the day before and then didn't eat great that day. And then that morning and day here, I had egg bites and then I had a chicken Caesar wrap. And I went home that night and was fucking. Felt gross. So I didn't eat all that day. And then, you know, now I feel somewhat reset. Sure. But he's always got a motive.

[B]

He did.

[A]

You know what's going on?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Yeah, you do. What you two were talking about it. Thing he's looking for. Oh, certain time. Six months.

[B]

Sure. Which.

[A]

He's a smart kid.

[B]

Is that what rye. Is that what you were angling for? Hey, I love how you're just trashing a guy publicly.

[A]

Not trashing them.

[B]

You're not big up at him.

[A]

Yes, I am.

[B]

You said he was doing it with fucking. You know.

[A]

I don't trust nobody. I'm kidding, of course. Get down there. He's got the egg bites.

[B]

Okay, air it out.

[A]

What do you got?

[D]

You know what? Henry comes to the appointment 20 minutes.

[A]

Late, had me sign in late.

[D]

I'm forging signatures.

[B]

You signed in for him.

[D]

And the numbers are going. We're. We're 94 and they're at 42. He calls me. He wants to chat.

[B]

Show up.

[C]

I agree.

[D]

They Call our number. He's not there.

[B]

Really?

[D]

So I'm waving people ahead. This is my morning.

[B]

We should talk. What'd you say?

[A]

We should talk.

[B]

Wow. Wait, go back, go back, go back.

[A]

You're the best buddy.

[B]

This would be.

[A]

Who's better than you?

[B]

You fucking sandbagged.

[D]

And I would keep my mouth shut. But you had to.

[B]

He would have. See that? He's a loyal soldier in the H. Foley army. I don't know why, because he's got a dickhead for a general. But he's a loyal fucking foot soldier in the H. Foley army. And then you publicly get on here and go. The only reason he's working hard is because he's due for a raise. Knowingly he's got this ammo on you that you fucking show up late. Hey, baby. Keep the plate spinning. Meanwhile, he also knows he's leaving that to then go pick to go purse to be your personal shopper.

[A]

I didn't know that. I thought you went to pick up the computer.

[B]

Yeah, we lied to you. What do you mean? Right under my nose.

[A]

Oh, that's why. That's why I didn't get a laptop.

[B]

No, you're not getting a laptop, all right?

[A]

You have to. But you weren't going to get a laptop. He didn't go and get a laptop today.

[B]

I don't think so.

[D]

It's getting shipped.

[B]

It's getting shipped. Wow. He's good at his job. 42.

[D]

I will tell you, Henry, the amount of instruction you require, it's like you fill out the form, but I need the Social Security. You got to point at it on the form. He's writing it in the date part.

[A]

I felt like a real.

[B]

He's writing first name where the last name is. Shit.

[A]

I didn't put my middle name. I fucked everything up. I feel like that lady was into me.

[B]

Swinging a bit. Hey, you like bad guys who fill out the form.

[A]

I said, what do you normally do for lunch around here?

[B]

Mm.

[A]

They started talking about tango wonga or someplace down here.

[B]

I don't know. So. Gee. Because you said, what do you do for lunch around here? You thought she was into you.

[A]

I don't know. Talking about lunch. I know.

[B]

Yeah. Okay. Be one thing if she said to you, hey, you should try this new lunch place that just opened up down here. You look like you know your way around a Chuck web. Showed up late, woke up a little.

[A]

Late, got in the car. It said I'd be there at 10:05. Okay. But I had put 11 Greenwich Street. I put 11 Greenwich Avenue and not Greenwich street, which is only five minutes away. Uber driver was on point. So I get there, Diesel's waiting in there. Awesome. Cup of coffee, couple egg bites, we sit, we talk a great conversation, go up to the first thing, take a picture, a new picture coming. Did that, sat down for a little bit, we talked for a while, went over, filled up the stuff. It was easy peasy. 1250 it cost me, which, I don't know, $12.50. I don't know where I get that from.

[B]

Yeah, you know, get it from the fucking $669 worth of clothes we just bought.

[A]

That's different.

[B]

This is only for the show too. He's not allowed to wear this.

[A]

His wardrobe for.

[B]

This is wardrobe for live performances. And actually, you know what? It stays in here. This doesn't go home. Really, for legal taxpayers. It stays in here.

[A]

I like it.

[B]

Put it on a hanger and you can also. Yeah, I'm fine with it staying in here.

[A]

I didn't have the 1250, so Ryan had to spot me on that.

[B]

You didn't have the 1250?

[A]

I didn't cash on me.

[B]

It was only cash. What the fuck? This is the 1400s.

[A]

I didn't have my wallet with me.

[B]

Yeah, but you went down to get a new ID without your wallet. The fuck is wrong with you?

[A]

I don't know. I had my wallet in between checks.

[B]

I'm in between jobs.

[A]

No, I paid the. Paid the 12 bucks and then that was it. Saw a homie on the way out. Hey, man, what's up? Big fan, big shake up you do.

[B]

For lunch around here.

[A]

Cool guy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Got in the car, drove up here. Uber driver was real chatty.

[B]

Oh, yeah, this was. I've never heard this.

[A]

And then he had to take a leak, so we stopped somewhere in Tribeca and he went out and took a piss in some shawarma place. Got back in the car, left, you know, he did a pro move, though.

[B]

First of all, I've taken 10,000 Ubers all over the world at this point. I've never had the driver say, let me get out and take a piss.

[A]

I know that's crazy, but he's double parked on Varick street or something. I can't remember what.

[B]

That's also crazy. Now that. Now you're. You're holding a hopping. You're holding a hop.

[A]

Open the trunk. He's like, watch, I open the trunk. Nobody with you.

[B]

Yeah, but that's still rolling. The die cop comes, hey, you gotta get. You gotta get the.

[A]

Out of Here, My car. Not my car. I'm drunk. Brad's drunk.

[B]

He's coming from getting my license. I'm ossified. Twice the legal minute.

[A]

What's that from, drunk guy?

[B]

They're like, you're twice the legal limit. And he's funny. Okay, so I'm scheduled to get here at.

[A]

Now. We got a call.

[B]

We have a call. I'm scheduled at noon. I'm scheduled to get in here around 11. I. Then at 10:50, I get a Google alert.

[A]

What's that like?

[B]

You know, it adds it to my calendar to call.

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

I don't know how else to explain that.

[A]

Adds a call. Oh, that. You have a call.

[B]

Yeah, it says you have a call in 10 minutes.

[A]

What's a Google? What's it sound like?

[B]

No, it's like, on my phone. Pops up, you got 10 minutes or call in 10 minutes.

[A]

Huh?

[B]

If you ever have an appointment, that will happen. You'll get that.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. Have anybody ever emailed you or anything?

[A]

I don't get Google alerts.

[B]

We. When was the last time you had a zoom, like, and someone sent you, like, the thing ahead of time?

[A]

Does that come up on my phone or it comes up in my email?

[B]

I don't know what you. I don't know what system you're working off of. I don't know. You got. Well, if you got, like, Windows 95 or whatever, but if they send it and you. You're. You're attending the thing, it adds it to your Google Calendar and then reminds you of it.

[A]

Okay, maybe I do. Like, it pops up. Like a text message.

[B]

Yeah, like. Like an alert.

[A]

Oh, I thought it meant, I think, like. Like a sound.

[B]

I mean, it could make a sound if that's what your settings are set to, I guess.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I'm sure it's Google. I'm sure they figured out how to ding your phone as you're doing video communication. I don't think the ding has eluded them.

[A]

I turn it off.

[B]

Yeah, me too. But, yeah, they have a ding.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You want them to ding?

[A]

Yeah, I want to ding.

[B]

Yeah, they'll ding.

[A]

Google alert. You should have a special sound.

[B]

They might.

[A]

That'd be a good one.

[B]

Are you shitting your pants? I need a shawarma place.

[A]

There's some guy sleeping in the bathroom in there, though. But me and D had a great morning, probably. I'd say one of the best mornings him and I've had in a while. Not that we've had bad ones.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

But I felt good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Felt really good for the first time.

[B]

That's good.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I.

[A]

Might have been all the poppers I was on. Kidding.

[B]

Whatever. So I'm taking an Uber into the city.

[C]

Mm.

[B]

I get a ding in the fucking midtown tunnel. You gotta call in 10 minutes. I go, fuck, you fucked up. There's a sponsor call. I'm gonna drop the ball. I should have given this to the fucking suits. I didn't. I don't want them wetting their beaks on it. I'm gonna handle it.

[A]

Love you boys.

[B]

So I'm like, you know what? Well, it was also just like a, you know, figuring out. Like it was like a meeting, you know, like a call. Like discovery calls, they say.

[A]

Is that what it's called?

[B]

Maybe. I don't know. I heard someone say soft pitch. No, just like a. Hey, meet these people. You meet these people.

[A]

Like a sit down and a chat.

[B]

Sure, it's a chat. Chit chat.

[A]

It's okay for a chat. Now I'm not okay for a sit down?

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Jackie Jr.

[B]

So I get. And I go, fuck. I text you. Now I'm texting you. You're icing me.

[A]

Oh yeah.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Because you screwed me out of the meeting.

[B]

So I'm going, fuck, I messed up. The call's in 10 minutes. You're not going to be back from the DMV because you showed up late. 20 minutes.

[A]

I wouldn't have been there. I would have been there anyway.

[B]

I know. So I'm like, shit. Now I am. I don't know why. An all time fucking bozo move by me. I go, guys, can we do 11:05? I should have said 11:15. I only bought myself five minutes.

[A]

Hey, can we do 10:55?

[B]

So now I'm like, fuck, open up my computer. It's dead. I'm thinking maybe I can take it right back to the Uber something. Computer's dead. I got my little travel cup of coffee you've been making fun of me for. Empty, right?

[A]

What's in there?

[B]

It's empty. I finished my coffee.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

So I throw that in my bag. I get out of the now. It's traffic gridlock. Traffic. I gotta get out and start cooking. Good thing. Whoa. Good thing. Kippy's down about £40. Because I get out of the car.

[A]

And I power walking or running?

[B]

I start walking and it's so funny how much ground you cover running than walking in the time. And they're not even. They shouldn't even be done with the same legs. It's like Being in a car versus being in a plane. I start walking, I'm like, I got this. He's just trying to do the math. Like A Beautiful Mind run ins. When you okay, Tygo? I. Hey, stop it. I just trashed over here. Looks like Christmas morning. So I'm like, fuck. I start walking and then like I don't make it an avenue. And like three minutes has gone by. I'm like, it's like 10:55. I got, I had under 10 minutes and I am a long way away to be at the pace I'm at. So I walk, I like speed walk half an avenue from like 10th to 9th, something like that, whatever that is. And I go, I gotta start. Yeah, I gotta start cooking. Well, I start fucking running. And I'm going, what the fuck kind of life. I'm running through the city in jeans and a backpack.

[A]

Looks like you're hustling in New York City.

[B]

I know, it looks like you just knocked over a jewelry store.

[A]

The fuck out of the way.

[B]

I know. Fucking bunch of people behind me.

[A]

Well, coincidentally enough, he calls me, busting my balls that they're calling my number. I'm about a four minute walk away and to me he might as well be on Krypton. So it's gridlock traffic as well. And I'm like, hey, I gotta get out. I get out. Soon as I get out, the light changes. I try to get back into the Uber.

[B]

Nuh. Yeah, that's crazy.

[A]

Get the door halfway open, the light changes again. Quick light slam, the door, walked up. So I got out and hoofed it too.

[B]

Huh. So I'm coming down here, I'm getting to like, huh, this avenue, 6th Avenue, whatever. New York's big enough. I get to 6th Avenue and I'm not at. I'm between 7th and 6th. And it starts the light at 6. I have the light at 6. I'm walking at this point, I'm taking a breather.

[A]

Got an egg bite, getting a Schwarz.

[B]

I'm taking a breather and that light starts clinking down from 15. And I know at my current rate I'm half an avenue away. I'm not, I'm not going to make that light. I'm not going to make it to the light in 13 seconds. Walking. And then that's going to be three, four minutes.

[A]

You're not tiptoeing through the intersection that.

[B]

Say that, that 6th Avenue is tough because they.

[A]

Because they fucking cross 6 Ave. Yeah.

[B]

Crossing a street, forget about it. Yeah, crossing that avenue because they get that Green lights. And they come. They're coming in hot.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I'm like. Oh. So I'm like, you gotta. It's. This is you making this call or not?

[A]

Two more minutes.

[B]

Yeah. Now I can't.

[C]

Just be careful with your headphones, Kevin.

[B]

More minutes. Oh, sorry. I can't go. I apologize. I can't go back and be like, I need three more minutes. So I turned the boosters on. I'm the last gas I got. Get across the street, get upstairs, get here, open up my computer. Gotta plug it in. There's a little bit of juice that it turns on. I open up my email, I click the link. I get in. It says, join, I join. It says lunch.

[A]

The call. Who's the deal?

[B]

Waiting for a host to let you in. Then it starts spinning. Host letting you in. My computer turns off. I look over the coffee from my travel mug. The drops have spilled out, landed in the charging ports. And this is now. Also now. It won't shut. The computer won't charge. I'm panicking. Look. And then he's texting me. I was just letting you in. You disappeared playing hardball, man. This kid is an international businessman. I gotta take it on Luke's computer. I gotta call in his fucking. Lewis Dempsey over here.

[A]

Oh, my.

[C]

Huffing and puffin.

[B]

I'm.

[A]

Dude. Just making the Dempsey Group look better and better. Huh?

[B]

Looks like. Catch your breath. Yeah, we'd love to do business with you. I'm like, look, order me some egg bites.

[A]

Anyway. You set it up all along, didn't you?

[B]

Wow. Screwed me.

[A]

But it all worked out.

[B]

Hopefully. We'll see. But, yeah, what a fucking. What a wild turn of events. New guy, got some gear. Might have a new deal coming in.

[A]

Can't thank you guys enough. This was. This was. This was so much fun, and I appreciate it. And, Ryan, you're the absolute best. I'm gonna get it from him. Gang, we love you. We'll see you next weekend.

[B]

Please.