Patreon Episode: Hotel Philadelphia - Are You Garbage (FULL)

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Hotel Philadelphia - Are You Garbage?"

Podcast Information:

• Title: Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
• Hosts: Kevin Ryan & H. Foley
• Episode: Patreon Episode: Hotel Philadelphia - Are You Garbage (FULL)
• Release Date: July 25, 2025

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Introduction

In this high-energy Patreon-exclusive episode of "Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast," hosts Kevin Ryan and H. Foley dive into a hilariously chaotic recount of Kevin's misadventures during a recent trip to Philadelphia. As always, the duo infuses their signature trashy humor into every anecdote, setting the stage for an entertaining exploration of what it truly means to be "GARBAGE."

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Booking the Hotel

Kevin begins by describing his decision to stay overnight in Philadelphia after a successful yet raucous night at the Helium Comedy Club. Faced with limited options, he opts for a Wyndham hotel in the historical district, deeming the alternative a prohibitively expensive $800 night.

Kevin Ryan [18:00]: "It's like movie theater supply and demand at that point, you know."

H. Foley adds a humorous note about booking hiccups, emphasizing the struggles of securing a room late at night.

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Arriving at the Hotel

Upon arrival around midnight, Kevin anticipates a smooth check-in but is immediately met with a less-than-ideal situation. The lobby is unusually crowded, raising his suspicions.

Kevin Ryan [19:27]: "That's when you get smoked on a bid."

He checks into his room only to discover it’s filthy, filled with leftover mess from previous guests, including beer bottles and a pervasive stench.

H. Foley [20:03]: "My kind of people."

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Interaction with Other Guests

Frustrated, Kevin vents about the inadequate housekeeping and the neglectful state of the room. His situation takes a surreal turn when a rich Mexican businessman approaches him with an unusual proposition to swap rooms.

Kevin Ryan [34:32]: "So he goes, I have a proposition for you."

The businessman, portrayed with exaggerated comedic flair, offers Kevin a "perfectly fine" room in exchange for an absurd favor.

Businessman [37:48]: "All you have to do is have sex with my father."

Kevin, in his typical blunt manner, rebuffs the proposition, emphasizing his discomfort.

Kevin Ryan [35:03]: "Can you handle yourself? Can you fight?"

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Escalating Chaos

As the night progresses, Kevin's attempts to rectify his situation only lead to more chaos. The hotel's malfunctioning systems and overzealous staff add layers to his frustration. The rich guest's persistent and bizarre demands push Kevin to the brink, culminating in a humorous yet tense standoff.

H. Foley [43:20]: "You're in there cutting deals with the cartel."

The interaction highlights the podcast's recurring theme of confronting and navigating ridiculous scenarios, all while maintaining comedic momentum.

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Comedic Elements and Banter

Throughout the episode, Kevin and H. Foley engage in rapid-fire banter, filled with witty insults, playful mockery, and spontaneous humor. Their chemistry turns Kevin's hotel ordeal into a vibrant comedic narrative, punctuated by sharp remarks and unforgettable lines.

Kevin Ryan [65:40]: "That's good eating to them."

H. Foley [58:30]: "You're saying your early morning eating habits were bad and then you're like, but I got a fucking 12 foot hoagie."

These exchanges not only entertain but also provide a window into the hosts' dynamic, characterized by irreverent humor and unabashed honesty.

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Resolution and Reflection

By the early hours of the morning, Kevin decides to cut his losses and leave the troublesome hotel. The episode concludes with reflections on the night's escapades, emphasizing the unpredictable nature of travel and the value of camaraderie in facing absurd challenges.

Kevin Ryan [67:53]: "We gotta wrap it up. Rest in peace, boys."

The hosts wrap up the story by playfully saluting the misadventures and setting the tone for future episodes filled with similar humorous exploits.

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Notable Quotes:

• Kevin Ryan [00:00]: "What's up everybody? Welcome back to those Hard motherfucking Feelings, baby."
• H. Foley [06:33]: "She goes, we're in town doing something. Something. Then we're going here."
• Kevin Ryan [44:46]: "It's all right, I got Ian for half the price."
• H. Foley [65:14]: "Which ended up happening anyway. Not by design."

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Conclusion

"Hotel Philadelphia - Are You Garbage?" is a testament to Kevin Ryan and H. Foley's ability to transform everyday mishaps into uproarious narratives. Their seamless interplay and unfiltered humor offer listeners an engaging and relatable experience, reinforcing the podcast's unique blend of trashy comedy and candid storytelling.

For those who haven't tuned into the episode, brace yourself for a laughter-filled journey through the trials and tribulations of being unapologetically "GARBAGE."

Transcript

[Kevin James Ryan]

What's up everybody? Welcome back to those Hard motherfucking Feelings, baby. I'm your host this week. Coming at you, Kevin James Ryan, live from the icebox, baby, where it is fucking freezing in this goddamn joint. I'm sitting here in my brand new flannel, my co host coming at, coming at you with a mostly burrito on his shirt. The ball is a bowl that you immediately turned into a bunch of mini burritos with your little raps you got.

[H. Foley]

I like that move.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Ladies and gentlemen, H. Foley.

[H. Foley]

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much for tuning in. We appreciate it, guys. Hope you're having a fantastic weekend.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And shout out to the motherfucking homies, baby. The lifeblood of the organization is shareholders, the fucking stem cell researchers, the fucking peptide pussies special.

[H. Foley]

Shout out to all the Philly homies that showed up for that hot one.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That was a fucking something else.

[H. Foley]

Ayg and French show at Helium Comedy Club in Philly might have been the one yet.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yes, sir, that was a fun time. Philly's always a fucking. You go back there and it is a. You know, there's a different vibe in the air when the boys go home. Fucking. The trashmen have returned to the dumpster.

[H. Foley]

You know what I mean?

[Kevin James Ryan]

The scene of the crime.

[H. Foley]

I do have stains on my shirt.

[Kevin James Ryan]

We know, let's.

[H. Foley]

I'll get him out though, you know, here's something funny real quick.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, I'm good.

[H. Foley]

Breaking news. This was in my closet since last fall. It had a big stain on it. I took that Dawn Power wash, you know the one that's got the gun on it. Yeah, that thing fucking blind ya sure. Put a little white vinegar in there. Shook it up, blew my hand off, put it in there, squirted it, let it sit.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Did you see that guy on when the fucking Dodgers won?

[H. Foley]

Dumbass.

[Kevin James Ryan]

God damn, that was fucking rough.

[H. Foley]

Tucker T. Always told me. Yeah, I don't mess around with fireworks. You blow your hand up. That and drinking and driving. Don't do either one of them.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So sure, yeah, I'll get fucked up.

[H. Foley]

And play with fireworks, but I'll set him off.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Not in my car.

[H. Foley]

My car.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, I had a pretty nice weekend.

[H. Foley]

Did you?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Impromptu golf with my boys.

[H. Foley]

Really?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Man, look at you. I got mini chip and putt. Little pitching putt.

[H. Foley]

There you go.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Not a good golfer, obviously.

[H. Foley]

No, you're pretty good.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Thanks. Fishing for comp. A pretty good fisherman too.

[H. Foley]

Crabbing. You had a little cash growing up. You know what you're doing.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I worked at a golf Course, that was the extent of my learning.

[H. Foley]

Girl.

[Kevin James Ryan]

He sugared tits.

[H. Foley]

You were nailed.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I got my polo tied in a knot around my belly button.

[H. Foley]

You were nailing an orthodontist at the time.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Sure.

[H. Foley]

Home record. I called you.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Uh. Man, I gotta tell you, it is one of my favorite pastimes that I don't do that often. Last time I played is probably 18 months ago, so. Give or take it was last year.

[H. Foley]

Mm.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Easy. Last year. Last summer.

[H. Foley]

You like to go out with your buddies, have some beers, but we didn't.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Really start drinking till later in the day. Second hole.

[H. Foley]

You dress up for this?

[Kevin James Ryan]

What?

[H. Foley]

You dress up?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, you kind of gotta. That's like. You gotta.

[H. Foley]

What do you got?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I had to go to Dick's Sporting Goods and cop some gear.

[H. Foley]

You're in a suit. Look like Lex Friedman out there.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Black suit, black tie. 4. I think you're a little overdressed. Thought there was gonna be past hors d' oeuvres here. Nah, man, it was one of those. The weather's been unseasonably warm, so it was a nice day. The boys in the group techs lined it up.

[H. Foley]

Not a lot of rain.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Canceled my spots. I had.

[H. Foley]

You did.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And was like, I'm going out with the boys.

[H. Foley]

Oh, shit.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I, um. Man, I gotta tell you, it's a proper meditative. You put the phone down, you're thinking about something else. You're. You're hanging with the boys, you're shitting on each other, they're shitting on you. It's just a good fuck. You're out there in nature. That's the only time you're. I'm really in fucking nature like that. You're out there, you're just. I mean, somebody had fucking. The course was. I'm not even a guy. Who knows. Dude, someone had. Some guy in an atv. Had. Went on all the greens and nerfed it. I think it's some local competition.

[H. Foley]

Stick it to the man.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Sure. Which is kind of fucked up because you know what? The. The players suffer the most.

[H. Foley]

Of course. But mess up your lie, as they call it, right?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, I guess.

[H. Foley]

Look at you playing golf. Must be nice.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I must have smoked a pack and a half of heaters.

[H. Foley]

Man walking.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Or you get a cart walking? I was in a quad. I was in my atv, dude, out.

[H. Foley]

There on a razor.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Fucking whip and work. But I did have a birdie on the day. Really? Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Bernie.

[Kevin James Ryan]

A bird. A couple. Two tree. Bernie.

[H. Foley]

Birdie.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Which birdie? One under par.

[H. Foley]

One under par?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Oh, for A hole?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

So if it was par four, you got a three.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Exactly. What happened?

[H. Foley]

Wow.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Sunk about a 40 foot putt.

[H. Foley]

No kidding, man.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I.

[H. Foley]

You.

[Kevin James Ryan]

How. I. That was the most genuine happy I've been in probably five years. You just go, you feel good? Your boys. Oh, everybody's hooting.

[Unknown]

And what number hole?

[H. Foley]

Does that matter? Are they harder? Do they get harder as they go?

[Kevin James Ryan]

No.

[H. Foley]

What do you know about contra? Get to fight the big boss.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Well, they get harder when you get to the clown. Yeah. That's a tough one.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. They get harder in mini golf.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Not necessarily. Just the last one, I think is significantly. The last one's like the. You know.

[H. Foley]

You call me a fucking liar.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I mean, not specifically. No.

[H. Foley]

I thought they got harder.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't. I mean, not that. No.

[H. Foley]

Where were you playing? Philmont. Philadelphia Cricket Club?

[Kevin James Ryan]

No. Middletown Country Club. It was not the nice part. I mean. No. This place was a ghost town.

[H. Foley]

Crab cakes and tuna fish.

[Kevin James Ryan]

The bar wasn't even open. I walked in to get a couple fucking. It's called. It's called Hackers Pub, which is pretty good.

[H. Foley]

I like that.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I wasn't even open. I'm trying to get in there, get a sandwich or something. I had two. I had two dogs at the snack shack. Sure. Put them down. That was tough because I'm like, you guys want any hot dogs or anything? Like, no. And I'm like, I'll do two, truth be told, hot dogs by myself.

[H. Foley]

I had a couple of sizzlies this week. I had a couple.

[Kevin James Ryan]

A couple more couple sizzlies.

[H. Foley]

Oh, from when we spoke.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Couple.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Weakness. God damn it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Here's another thing I want to talk. What is the courtesy? Eyes. You know, I was in a Wawa today. We have, you know, full disclosures. Is a Sunday. We're in here Sunday, getting some eps. Done. There's a boy's got a wonky schedule coming up. Joining your Sunday. Knocking out some epis. And I was coming in from the burbs. I stopped at a Wawa.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Get my big black coffee.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Tacky heaters.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Got a lighter and a sizzly, but croissant. Sizzly, not bad. Go. What am I? Fucking asshole. Really?

[H. Foley]

You got to go there. Croissants are great. They're not croissants, but they're great. They're oily.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's. I don't like that. I like. I like a dry.

[H. Foley]

Like a teenager's forehead. Greasy.

[Kevin James Ryan]

But. What's the etiquette here? I'm in. I'm in. Line at Wawa. It's a girl. Woman. A woman. Let's call it 35.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Right. 30 to 40. Somewhere in there could have been a rough 35 year old or a pretty good 40 year old. Not sure.

[H. Foley]

Wawa workers, you never tell.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, this is a woman in line. Oh, right. She's in front. So it went her. She's at the cash register.

[H. Foley]

Right.

[Kevin James Ryan]

An older gent who may or may not have shit his pants. He was walking like that. Nice, nice little waddle.

[H. Foley]

Nice.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Then me, respectable gentleman, you know what I mean? Podcast or stand up comedy.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin James Ryan]

A little bit of. Little bit of star power in there.

[H. Foley]

Pro golfer.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Got a birdie. A lot of eights, though. A lot of snow. A lot of picking. I'm picking up. I'm done on this one. Winter, dude, the last one I sent over the green into a neighbor, into someone's front yard. I said, that's a wrap.

[H. Foley]

Let the kids get it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'll meet you at Duffers.

[H. Foley]

What's Duffers?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't know. I love the names, though. Another one was Divots. Divots is a good one. The bar in the. In the clubhouse always has like, they.

[H. Foley]

Have multiple bars in there.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, other. Other courses? Yeah, like country clubs. Golf. They're golf courses.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't think there's, you know, it's.

[H. Foley]

Not like you're hanging out at country clubs.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, this is a golf course. I mean, there was a guy with an ATV ripping up the greens. That's not like, you know, we don't.

[H. Foley]

Have a fence around anybody get on there.

[Kevin James Ryan]

But she's buying what's. Okay. What is the courtesy. What is the proper community etiquette when someone's card gets declined in front of you, Is there like, at what point do you go, oh, let me get it for. Would you get what I'm just relax. I mean, if it's like baby formula or something, you got to get it. You know what I mean? Or diapers.

[H. Foley]

It's your wife.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You dumb. Brought it, I guess.

[Unknown]

Quick ocular pat down. What's on the. What's on the.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Well, would that change? Yeah. What would you buy in Wawa if someone in front of his car got declined?

[H. Foley]

If it was shit for another dude, she's on her own.

[Kevin James Ryan]

A bunch of Magnum condoms and shit.

[H. Foley]

I want you get the big shot out in the car to come get it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Fucking whore dick like that, you know, he's got a couple of bucks. What would have to be on the menu, like on the. For me in a Wawa, Yeah.

[H. Foley]

I'm a giving man, as you know. Sexually, of course I am. I'm a giver watcher, too.

[Kevin James Ryan]

A bit of a creepola, bit of a voyeur, if you catch my drift. Or.

[H. Foley]

Older person, like, give me an eight.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Like, give me like. It's gotta be like a pop up.

[H. Foley]

Pop up for sure.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Okay. He's like, I don't know, something, maybe the car. Whatever it is, you're going, I got a. Hey, old timer. I got. I got your Daily News, your coffee and your. Your Swisher sweets or whatever.

[H. Foley]

Sure. A mom with the kid, for sure.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Okay. You know, getting them a classic hoagie or something.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. It also depends how the situation would unfold. Oh, fuck. It's the only card I have. And I guess we'll have to put. We're not put. We're not putting anything back. All right. We're a community at Wawa. I got you.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Okay. Let me wet my beak on those Funyuns or something. Dog. Hey, buddy, make good with them Bugles. Let the big man eat.

[H. Foley]

How are those Wawa empanadas?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Big dogs gotta eat. Okay, sure.

[Unknown]

Under 18?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Under 18. Okay.

[H. Foley]

I don't know about that.

[Unknown]

If it's not like energy drinks and cigarettes. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

I don't even know about that. I'm not buying it. Yeah, that's no good.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Did I ever tell you that story? I tried to make it a bit at one time. Never worked. Never. Not good. Not good at comedy. But this fucking broad. I feel like I was on the road somewhere. Little girl in front of me trying to buy something, snacks or something at a gas station. It's just super cute, like six year old, whatever, eight year old girl, and.

[H. Foley]

She'S like in the store by herself.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. And I'm like, She's like, oh. And the guy's like, oh, that's. She had. She had $3 and she wanted something that was $8 or she wanted two things. I think I remember the guy being like, oh, you can only either have one or the other. You can't get both. And I'm like, you know, we're like, not a great part of town. And I'm like, oh, fuck, you know, fucking. I could be this. I could be the spark that turns this kid's life around. You know what I mean? I could change the trajectory of this little dirty kid's fucking day, you know, Life, you know? And she's looking for a ride and I buy it. She turns around, she's like, thank you, but not like, not What? I wanted out of it, of course. You know what I mean? Like, not like, oh my God, needle before me. Yeah, well, I have bestowed. I go outside, this girl gets into a BMW with her mom. And I was like, hey, you don't fill up your tank and gas for you too, you dumb whore. Suck it, baldy. Later.

[H. Foley]

Thanks for the Clark Bar, dickhead.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, I remember being like, what the. Well, this broad today, I knew she was jammed up.

[H. Foley]

You said 35.

[Kevin James Ryan]

30. Yeah, maybe. Close. Maybe.

[Unknown]

Maya, this is out in the burbs, right?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Out in the burbs.

[H. Foley]

OK.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Older 30s, I would say, but you never know with those. Some of them suburban broads they got.

[H. Foley]

How's she looking?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

And I don't ask that in a creepy way.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I do.

[H. Foley]

I ask it in a sexual way. I ask it in a way like the. Like you at the. At the hotel, at the airport bar when you tried to buy that chick dinner. I wouldn't.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Oh, man, that made me come off like a real creep.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, if she's. I don't want to look like I'm hitting on her when you're just trying to be nice.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Sure.

[H. Foley]

Does that make sense?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Sure.

[Unknown]

There has to be like a look back for help almost.

[Kevin James Ryan]

She did. I mean, what are we doing here?

[H. Foley]

Go ahead.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So I thought I just remembered another insane story that I have forgotten. Okay, it's not a golf story, is it? I'm sorry, what do you have?

[H. Foley]

I got something.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You got nothing.

[H. Foley]

Oh, I got big stuff and a dragon king.

[Kevin James Ryan]

They start making up a story. And then I went to Afghanistan and I was time traveling. Okay, Henry, I guess you don't want.

[H. Foley]

To hear about my new race car, but go ahead. I'm an airline pilot now, so she's buying jewel pods.

[Kevin James Ryan]

If you catch my. She's. She's got real. And not. I'm not talking down about. She's got real hairdresser vibes. If that. If that gives you a hard on. If that gets you. She's got the long like sweater kind. Like the open sweater with the long sleeve. It's like a kind of like a robe, but not a robe. You know what I mean? That's a. That's a.

[H. Foley]

That's not one of those inside ones, like the Snuggie type things?

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, no.

[H. Foley]

This is like population.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, like an outdoor like long open car kind of. I didn't clock the pants.

[H. Foley]

Not an ass man, huh?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I clocked it. Clocked a deep cut shirt on her, though. No kidding. But she goes, how much are the jewel Pods.

[H. Foley]

People are still using those.

[Unknown]

Not a good look.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's a. It's a bottom of the barrel. I'd rather have her buy.

[Unknown]

Five years ago, that was fine. Mango, jewel pods.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I get buying a bat. Dude, she should have been buying a box of blunts. I would have fucking respected.

[Unknown]

They only sell menthol and tobacco. Virginia Tobacco. Juul pods anymore.

[H. Foley]

Virginia tobacco.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's a tough look. So I'm fucking. So she goes. She's. She asks how much they are, but wants them to ring it up to see what the final. Because I think she's got respect. She's got maybe 28 bucks.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin James Ryan]

In the. In the inner account.

[H. Foley]

Excuse me. Sorry. Coughing.

[Kevin James Ryan]

She's made. Let's call it. She has $28 in her account. She knows these come in at about half of that.

[H. Foley]

I've been there.

[Kevin James Ryan]

She wants to see if she can get two.

[H. Foley]

Don't tell me how much it is.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Tell me what.

[H. Foley]

Show me. I want the real feel, motherfucker.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Give me the windshield on this fucking thing. Taxes and fees, shipping handling. Whatever it is, give it to me. So then, like, I guess she miscalculated what it was going to be. So she got rung up for two and it got denied. And she looked back at the line to be like, what are we going to do about this? And I was like, toots, my fucking hash browns getting cold over here. Get out of here.

[H. Foley]

But that ruins it a little bit. Yeah, that's the move.

[Kevin James Ryan]

She looked like it was. Because that's happened to me.

[H. Foley]

Make sure it wasn't a look back like, I'm sorry, no, I'm gonna step in here. What.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It was more like, to me, it was like, anybody want to jump on this grenade for me? Because to me, I've had that happen, happen. Specifically a Wawa. Not even joking. Probably 40 times my cards gotten declined at a Wawa over my lifetime. And you never look back at the audience. You look down in disgrace and get to the door and go, he's fucking ATM machine. Sell yo. Yell about the bank or something.

[H. Foley]

Or put the scream mask on and.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Pull out the fucking nickel, come back with the toast on them. And. Yeah. And I was just like, what in. I don't know if she was addicty of like, that's adding up.

[H. Foley]

What, the jewel pods? The short on the card?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. Just like, maybe she's like an addict.

[H. Foley]

She's got something in her bloodstream.

[Kevin James Ryan]

She didn't seem like that look back to me wasn't like, oh, I'm totally fucking locked in on the norms of society at the moment. And I was just like, all right. But I still got me thinking of like.

[H. Foley]

Did you get it?

[Kevin James Ryan]

No. Got her number, called 911, got my haircut scheduled for next week. I'm paying in juul pods. But that also remind you said hotel. That reminded me. So last Wednesday or whatever. The Philly show. Aforementioned Philly show.

[H. Foley]

Oh, that's right. You stayed in town and got yourself a room.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It got little. It got a little late. I'm hanging with the boys. Got a little late. Didn't want to make the drive home. So I got a. I went on hotels and I got a hotel.

[H. Foley]

Right, okay, Sofitel. Where'd you stay?

[Kevin James Ryan]

There was. There was two available. One came in at like $212 a night, which I thought was good. I thought was expensive for fucking. I got. I got it like 9:30, 10 o' clock on a fucking Wednesday night in Philly.

[H. Foley]

I was thinking you were gonna get jammed up with that.

[Kevin James Ryan]

But the other one was 800 bucks at like the Lowe's or something like that. Fuck, it's. It's. It's movie theater supply and demand at that point, you know.

[H. Foley]

Sucker.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So I get the one at. I don't even know what it was. It was at 4th and Arch. See if you can find it. It's like a W. Like a Winchestertonville or something like that. I don't know. A big. It's like the size of a block. It's huge. What do you got? It's like a W. It's like. It wasn't like a Marriott, it was like a something by somebody. Winchester Windham, but it's like a Wyndham.

[H. Foley]

Windham Courts.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't know what it was.

[Unknown]

Oh yeah, Wyndham. Philadelphia Historic District.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, that's three star hotel. Well, wait till I get my review in there. It's going down to one. So I get there. Not crazy late. Hung out with the boys, but you know, whatever. Nothing. Nuts man's call at midnight.

[H. Foley]

That's the cutoff.

[Kevin James Ryan]

For what?

[H. Foley]

That's a no show.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, no, not if. Not if you book it at 9.

[H. Foley]

You're sure?

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, you had just never checked in. You tried checking in like two days later.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, I've done that a couple of times.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, I caught up. So I get there about midnight. Nothing crazy. Cold night too cold, Windy night.

[Unknown]

Whipping.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Oh. So I get in there, I check in. Okay, you're all set. And there's some. There's some people milling around like waiting to Check in. There's bag. Which is like, odd for midnight. There's too many.

[H. Foley]

Not at the wind. Them.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's where I'm dying. Booking, baby. There's too many people lingering around. You know what I mean? Okay, but I'm a. I'm half of what ilk. Final business. No, just like.

[H. Foley]

Or casual.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, just people. People staying at the hotel. Nothing like.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Not hook, is it? Nothing. They're like, you know. Drug dealers.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Just normal people.

[H. Foley]

My kind of people.

[Kevin James Ryan]

There was a Mexican family, like an older guy. Like a guy probably like our age, you know? And then his parents. I love seeing like a rich guy from another country. They're. They. Yeah, he had like a. Just like carry it well. Had a nice V. Black V neck sweater on. Pretty good. I don't know nothing about what but like, sharp, sharp. Put the good. Nice rich guy luggage.

[H. Foley]

I like it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You know what I mean? He was taking care of his parents. Who.

[H. Foley]

All right.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You could tell he had the money. His parents really didn't.

[H. Foley]

So your car got declined and I get declined.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I wink, I turn around, give him the eyes. So she goes, okay, you're all set. Takes about 10 minutes for me to get her.

[H. Foley]

Get me set up right for the homies out there. Kippy don't like hanging around at the check in. What's that mean, you don't like it?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I do it a lot. Sure I do. I have to check all five of you bums in every time we go somewhere while you guys are out having heaters and raiding the snack bar. Kippy's in there doing all the admin.

[H. Foley]

Make sure I got my candy.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. Hey, Kippy. What room are we. Can we add these to the room already? I'm not even fucking checked in. Hey, what room can my friend shit in? The bed? The big one's got to go boom, boom on the rug.

[H. Foley]

Hey, lady, where's the gym? Take a dump in the locker room. Okay.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I get my key. I go up into my room. Proper dirty room. Like a guy was just in it. Made me think someone was still in the room, you know? That vibe. Smelled like another. Smelled like dude stunk. Like sex in there. They had. There was beer bottles in the trash can.

[H. Foley]

Whoa.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Like fucking somebody be. They'd be fucking it.

[H. Foley]

All right.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So I go, fuck, I gotta go downstairs. And that's like one of those things where, like, you just want to call and be like, can you come up and fix that? Like, I gotta come all the way back down. You're gonna not believe me. It's just like. Or like when you get up to your room on like the 11th floor, you make nine turns down the long hallway and the key don't work.

[H. Foley]

You happen to me.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It happens all the time. It happens like one out of 10 times. That happens.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Especially when you're checking in five rooms. They give you the, you know, like they re key it for a different room or whatever.

[H. Foley]

I had a lady this week that was frazzled.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Sure, frazzled. So I go down not being polite, but this, this. This rich Mexican guy still down there. And I'm like, that ain't. He's. Something's not right. And I didn't know they had a problem prior to me getting there, okay? So I go, hey, the room's dirty.

[H. Foley]

Can I call it over? Him?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Ah, they're talking, but I think he might have stepped away. And she gave me like, the fuck do you want? Something's like, what can I help you with?

[H. Foley]

I go, fat ass back down here.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Sure. I go, hey, I already have my snacks. I got a Gatorade. I got a bottle that's getting warm and a bottle of water. Maybe some gummy bear. I don't think I did though, because when I was in there, someone else was in there and it felt really. When I was in this little snack cubicle, there's a guy like, there's a guy going through like the fruit and stuff. And I didn't want to. I didn't want to start doing kipping.

[H. Foley]

Just grab some toothpaste real quick.

[Kevin James Ryan]

This will hold me over. This will take the edge off. It'll get me through the night.

[H. Foley]

Any papayas? All right, I'm out.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You know, if this is organic. You know what, never mind. Just order Domino's.

[H. Foley]

Let's get the pretzel bites. You know what's the saddest? And I've been there. Getting something microwavable from one of those places.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Done it.

[H. Foley]

And going upstairs. Those fucking microwave digiornos, man. Those things.

[Kevin James Ryan]

What are you doing it in the room or down there when you sometimes get the microwave down there? That's crazy, dude.

[H. Foley]

Break room shit. Fuck, that sucks. I'm too fat for that.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Uh huh. I know, but it's so.

[H. Foley]

And they're heating up a Lean Cuisine.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Three of them. I would have put them in one.

[H. Foley]

Big bowl, added a teriyaki chicken. Yeah, no, in the room.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm running a marathon. In the morning, I'm Garbo loaded.

[H. Foley]

They taste like nothing and it's just sad.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You lie. So I get down there. She Fucking. I go, hey, my room's dirty. She goes, okay, give me. Give me a couple of minutes. She's the only one there. I gotta wrap my head around this. She got a bad sheet from housekeeping, I guess, you know, get like or whatever. She's got a wrap.

[H. Foley]

My eye. Let me get smoking a drink. Think this over.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'll be down at Ohala Hands if you need me. Lock up when you're done. So I'm like, all right. So I fucking. I'm chilling now. This point, you know, I get it. She's a working gal. She's. She got dealt a bad customer service hand from the day shift, fucked her from the staff. From the staff that was working the day shift. I get it. I'm not going to ruffle any feathers by any means. I'm like. I'm chilling. You know, it is. I'm like, I was looking for a fucking pretty decent night's sleep. This is getting drug out. I've been there probably about 30 something minutes at this point by the time I got in there, got checked in, got up to my room, came back down, waited a few minutes. Tell her, Told her. Now I'm sitting, just sitting in the lobby like a fucking sitting duck. That's how you get clipped.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, no shit.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And I gotta tell you, that part of Philly ain't great. It's quiet. Like, too quiet. So, like, there's like, people are coming up on the window and looking at. It's just like a.

[H. Foley]

It's.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's kind of got, like hospital vibes a little bit. You know, there's just people lingering and.

[H. Foley]

A couple of empty gurneys. Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Looking for people. Looking for lights. You got a light? Really, dude? Dirty couch I'm sitting on.

[H. Foley]

Pop it into a hotel lobby and asking for a light.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Well, then it's like the door's locked and people are trying to open the door. If they don't. And she's gone. Now the front last lady's buzzed. She's out. She's like. She's running up. She's got to go check the rooms to see if they're clean. So she's going up to the eighth floor, going around the aisle in the office. But this time, dude, they're pulling on the door, being like, you let me in? And I'm like, I ain't fine. No, I'm staying here.

[H. Foley]

I don't got a kid.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm like, the. You are staying here. There ain't no rooms. Rack of no vacancy. Whoa. So then, like, the Mexican Guy's looking at me, he's like, do you wanna. I'm like, I'm not going anywhere near this. So she's gone for. At this point, she's gone for about 20 minutes. She's running around the hotel looking for. And all the rooms are dirty, I guess. So she comes down after. I'm waiting down there.

[H. Foley]

There's a clue what circumstances. Will you just be like, fuck it, I'll just take that room?

[Kevin James Ryan]

No. Well, not that. None. No, it was like a boom boom room, dude.

[H. Foley]

It was. Give it about 10 minutes.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Fuck it. Going fucking hard.

[H. Foley]

Send the girl back up.

[Unknown]

Are you checking Ubers back to the burbs?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Not just yet.

[H. Foley]

Ok. Are you on grubhub at all?

[Kevin James Ryan]

No. We had gone to Kavanaughs.

[H. Foley]

Oh, got the wings?

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, I didn't get wings. I got a lot of other stuff. The boys, everybody was firing orders.

[H. Foley]

Something tells me it wasn't a fitness medal.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It was not.

[H. Foley]

Okay. Cavanaugh's does good wings down there.

[Kevin James Ryan]

They do good food.

[H. Foley]

Cotton Spot.

[Kevin James Ryan]

They do good food. Open late, too.

[H. Foley]

They did the whole wing.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Shout out to Johnny Del Carlo. He's like, oh, we're going down here. He was trying to get me out. Booze and heavy.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

He's like. I'm like, dude, I'm done. I got to get the fuck out of here. Freezing cold night. Fucking calf in the bag. Fucking Wednesday night. Like, I got to get out of here, man. He's like, you don't want to go? He's like, well, they got a shuffle boy. He's like, throwing out all they got. Shuffle. Go play shuffleboard.

[H. Foley]

You want a fucking Caribbean cruise?

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, the bar one. Oh, that's a good time.

[H. Foley]

Sure. Get that sawdust in your nose. So something else up there.

[Kevin James Ryan]

At this point, she's really trying to solve the Mexican guy, the rich Mexican guy's problem. And I watch his deal. I don't know. At this point, I just know there's something not right. And now I'm going, it ain't his fault. This is for sure flustered Fanny's fault. You know what I mean? So I go up to the counter just to be like I'm here. Like, also try to start.

[H. Foley]

She back?

[Kevin James Ryan]

She's back. Now at this point.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin James Ryan]

She's like, okay, hold on. So now I'm at the count. I'm leaning on the counter, like, drunk guy on the counter. Like, hand on my face.

[H. Foley]

Just open the Gatorade.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Gatorade's open at this point.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Gotta do something. You Know what I mean? Gotta get my electrolytes in me. She goes into the back room. She's like, hold on. Gotta talk to my man. This whole process is close to an hour at this point.

[Unknown]

After your 30 minutes, or with the 30 minutes total.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Like, I walk in, it's an hour. I don't. I don't have a room. So we're pushing. It's after 1am at this point. I got in there around midnight, after 1am she comes back out and goes, we don't have any rooms. Whoa. She goes, we don't have any clean rooms available. I don't know what's going on. I just got off the phone with my boss. We're gonna get you other hotel room. We're gonna get you hotel rooms at another hotel, okay? So I went, all right. But now I got Uber queued up back to Denise's house because I'm like, I gotta fucking fuck this. I might have to get out of fucking Dodge.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Like, what's up? Okay. It's gonna be. It's gonna fucking cost me more than the fucking hotel room. But I gotta. I gotta get a good night's sleep here. What the fuck's going on? And I'm thinking they're, like, hacked into some mainframe, some hotel mainframe where they can be like, hey, we're gonna transfer these three rooms to our other Wyndham.

[H. Foley]

Our sister. Our sister hotel, our stepsister hotel.

[Kevin James Ryan]

This broad goes on fucking. She Googles and just starts calling hotels going, hey, do you have any rooms available?

[H. Foley]

You know where there's one available?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Where?

[H. Foley]

Over at Lowe's for 800 a clip. I'm not. Steam room.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Oh, I didn't even think of it.

[H. Foley]

Wait, you wouldn't have to pay for that.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No. Yeah, but I also don't trust this broad to lock in a reservation. That's when, like, American Airlines goes, oh, we got you on a fucking United flight. You got over United? You know, I never fucking heard of you.

[H. Foley]

American who?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, we don't take fucking transfers like that. So she just starts calling. She goes, do you have any rooms available? This is Megan, over.

[H. Foley]

Same thing for the. The rich guy.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Well, she's handling the rich guy first. And she calls five hotels, and they all say no. So I'm like, yo, fuck. I'm like, I'm going back to the fucking Burst. But the car to get me back to my mom's is 20 minutes away. It's the middle of the fucking night.

[H. Foley]

I was sound asleep.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Ah, you. So I ordered. I order the car right. 20 now I'm waiting on it. The car's about two minutes away.

[H. Foley]

It's a regular ass car, too.

[Kevin James Ryan]

A regular ass car. This is like I'm getting into some guy's car in the. Just getting into a guy's car right in Philly in the middle of the night.

[H. Foley]

Smell the grease in his hair.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, this is a little different than.

[H. Foley]

Like, this guy was sleeping 15 minutes ago.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, he. He got. His alarm went off.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Oh, fuck, that's good money.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm like, motherfucker, dude. Now I'm like, I gotta get into Denise's. I didn't tell her I'm coming home. She might fucking call the cops on me. She might have the. Yeah, I might hit a trip wire.

[H. Foley]

You know, catch two to the chest.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Claymore goes off or something. I don't know what this bro's doing.

[H. Foley]

Hitting the middle of the forehead with a BB gun.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So now I'm like, dreading that. And I'm like, do I. I don't. I don't. I don't have any options. I'm texting my. All my boys that live in Philly, they're. I was just doing shots with Pat like an hour ago. He sounded. He's got. He got whiskey brain. He sounds asleep. I got. No, it's also like, my. My friends that live in the. That still live in the burbs, they got, like, families, and I can't fucking.

[H. Foley]

Roll in on them uncle bucking it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Middle of the night, I'm like, thinking Airbnb, but I'm like, I can't get no one's Airbnb. I can't get access at 2aM Also, that sounds like a fucking hooker thing, you know what I mean? Hey, buddy, can I come in? Just me and two of my. Two of my. Two of my sisters.

[H. Foley]

I need it for an hour.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So he. So then I go, all right, I go. My car is like, two minutes out. I'm going to pop out, catch a heater, get in the car and just go back to Denise's, right? And roll the dice of waking.

[H. Foley]

Sure that, you know, you can get in, though. You don't gotta knock on the front door.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No. But unexpectedly. I mean, that might be. Fuck around, give her a heart attack or something. You know what I mean? Some big fat drunk guy coming in, gummy bears falling. I got Gatorade.

[H. Foley]

I got a pizza coming too. Okay?

[Kevin James Ryan]

So I go. I'm like, I'm gonna run to the bathroom, pop outside, catch a heater, get in this car. Maybe even call Denise, see if I can wake her up and tell her I'm fucking, you know.

[H. Foley]

What's wrong?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, something. She. Oh, Jesus Christ. She answ phone at fucking 2 in.

[H. Foley]

The morning, assuming I'm dead.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Somebody is.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. I knew this would happen. He's fine.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Did you diversify?

[H. Foley]

Ok.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's all right. I got Ian for half the price. The Mexican guy comes up to me as I go. I was like, you know what? Cancel, refund, everything. I'm out. I'm fucking out of here. I'm walking. Sure, sleep in your dirty fucking room. I'm walking. So I go to the bathroom.

[H. Foley]

Can I ask you this, please. Was there two beds in the room you walked into or just one?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't know. I think just one.

[H. Foley]

What if there was two and the other one was untouched?

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, no.

[Unknown]

The empty beer cans, that's a no.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That was like a. It was like a vod.

[Unknown]

No, it's a type no. That's a type of person. And they're doing type.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Multiple. Be multiple. They were beer bot. Multiple beer bottles.

[H. Foley]

Domestic or important?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I believe they were Miller Lights. I didn't turn the lights on. I clocked them right away because the trash can was moved. They were like. It wasn't. It was. No. You walk into a room, you're like something. The vibes in here aren't great. Sure, that's what it was.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Stinking like Boo Dussy juice.

[H. Foley]

I liked. I like when the vibes are off.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's when I do my best work. So I'm leaving pretty. Just not upset with her by any means. I was like, hey, I understand. This is not your problem. I totally get it. You got a fucking. You got a bad deal here.

[H. Foley]

Does the rich guy have a wife with him?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Was. It's him and his wife and his parents. Okay, so he has two rooms.

[H. Foley]

Okay?

[Kevin James Ryan]

So I'm walking out. And he goes, I have a proposition for you. Yes? I said, you're kidding. My curiosity. Now you have my attention. I said, I'm listening.

[H. Foley]

What do you know about fat bald guy fighting?

[Kevin James Ryan]

There's another guy who looks like me. Walks out, cracks his neck, I gotta wrestle him.

[H. Foley]

The TV is one working on the plane and I am in need of some entertainment.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Can you handle yourself? Can you fight?

[H. Foley]

You're fighting three chickens.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'll get my ass kicked.

[H. Foley]

Go ahead.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So he goes, I have a. Are you leaving? I said, yeah, I just caused a big stink. I'm leaving.

[H. Foley]

You didn't hear me tell his brought off.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm Walking at him, walking.

[H. Foley]

I'm fucking, I'm fucking need this.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. I'm kicking rocks. Meanwhile, I got my school bag, I got a big fucking doll, and I'm just like, you got it around. You're all, you're. I'm. I'm a nomad out in the middle of the streets of Philadelphia. Nowhere.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, I'm probably gonna take off.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I sold out Helium. And they're like, what drunk? Wasn't that fucked up? But he goes, I have, listen, do you want one of my rooms? And I'm like, what the fuck do.

[H. Foley]

You get yourself into?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Alcohol, man.

[H. Foley]

Yikes.

[Kevin James Ryan]

A hell of a drug. So he goes, do you want one of my rooms? I have. I got two rooms.

[H. Foley]

He don't got anything.

[Kevin James Ryan]

What do you mean?

[H. Foley]

I thought he's waiting for a room too.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Let me school you on old Javier Bardem here.

[H. Foley]

That his name?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't know, some.

[H. Foley]

Some cool, rich, hot, sexy, good looking dude.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, good looking dude. Nice dude.

[H. Foley]

Really?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Like one of those people that like. I only. I mean, I was pretty drunk. I only talked to him for a minute, but a nice guy.

[H. Foley]

What's the wife looking like?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Hot. Really?

[H. Foley]

My wife has a strange fetish. Fetish. Thanks.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You have a small pee pee. Let me ask you. I look at you, you have a small pee pee.

[H. Foley]

Can I smell your, ah, American beer.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Is that a hint of tater tots? It was with pickle juice on them or something that I did not like. I don't know if they had a pickle on top of it or what. I wanted to flip.

[H. Foley]

I moved the table, okay?

[Kevin James Ryan]

He goes, this guy, I'm now Mexican.

[H. Foley]

Cause I'm in.

[Kevin James Ryan]

He goes, I got, I got two rooms, right? One of mine was dirty, right? The other one, perfectly fine. He kept saying, perfectly fine, perfectly fine, perfectly fine.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And I'm like.

[H. Foley]

So he goes, for a man of yours, a fat pig like you would.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Never know the difference. So he goes, I. I appreciate a.

[H. Foley]

Finer thread count than the hotel can offer me. All you have to do is have sex with my father.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Papa, mama.

[H. Foley]

Man.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's one of those things. You're like, what the. How the did I get here? So he goes, perfectly fine.

[H. Foley]

If he was like, make out with me and my wife and you could have the room. Would you, at this point, I'll let you brush your teeth and get a Listerine in.

[Kevin James Ryan]

After or before?

[H. Foley]

After. Before.

[Kevin James Ryan]

What do you think I'm trying to impress him? You think I care what my breath smells like at that point?

[H. Foley]

You want to keep the numbers up, you know what I mean? Go ahead.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So he. He got two rooms. One room was dirty, the other room wasn't. Now they.

[Unknown]

Perfectly fine.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Perfectly fine. He kept saying, perfectly fine. But. So they didn't have another room for. Let's say that room was his parents. They weren't gonna have another room for him.

[H. Foley]

He's fucked.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So they're gonna send him somewhere else.

[H. Foley]

Denise's.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I understand. You know, the piece.

[H. Foley]

Okay?

[Kevin James Ryan]

So he goes, I'll give you my perfectly fine room. But his. The rest of his family at this point is in the room. There are. Luggage is all up, like they're in the room, okay? And it's just me and him down there cutting. The businessmen are talking, you know what I mean? I'm quite. I'm an international businessman myself. Javier, can you guys go over to.

[H. Foley]

The business center to get something on Facebook?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm making copies.

[Unknown]

My family is dumping one out.

[H. Foley]

The diary in the sink was already there when we arrived.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Como said he say, irritable bowel syndrome.

[H. Foley]

It has a slight smell to it. Other than that, perfectly fine. With your deviated septum, hardly notice once.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You hook up to your CPAP machine. How did you know?

[Unknown]

He's like Jason Bourne, but for dirt bags.

[Kevin James Ryan]

He can just read me completely. You probably have bad adenoids.

[H. Foley]

I'm sure you want to get out of those shitty underwear as soon as possible. By now your gout is probably excruciating on your big toe. Am I right? I assume your McDonald's will be here in less than 20 minutes, if I'm not mistaken. So you're in a bit of a quandary.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That could be a big problem for everybody involved.

[H. Foley]

You're very close to shitting your pants. Yes, I can see it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I can see the sweat on your brow.

[H. Foley]

The blood vessels in your eyes are telling me you have an excruciating fart building up inside of you.

[Kevin James Ryan]

The way you stand on your dippy toes and have unbuckled your belt.

[H. Foley]

He feels your heart rate, right? Time is of the essence, okay? Get to the sex, get to the deal.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So he goes, they're just up there. I'll get them down and the room's yours. Perfectly fine.

[H. Foley]

So for how much?

[Kevin James Ryan]

What do you mean? Nothing.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I just get that room.

[H. Foley]

Where's he going?

[Kevin James Ryan]

He's gonna get two new hotel rooms, but at this rate, there ain't no fucking hotels in this city.

[H. Foley]

Does he know that?

[Kevin James Ryan]

He watched her make the first five calls for him and get denied. I don't think he was Doing the math that, like, I picked up on that. It's a little this dian. No bueno in his terms.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You know what I mean? And I had already known there was only two.

[H. Foley]

Did you. Did you volunteer that information like a gentleman?

[Kevin James Ryan]

What?

[H. Foley]

Say, hey, just so you know, I'm.

[Kevin James Ryan]

In the middle of negotiations.

[H. Foley]

No, but I'm saying that.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Showing all my fucking cards.

[H. Foley]

He's trying to help you out. You can't say, oh, thanks, and then take the room. And then all of a sudden he finds out he can't get no room.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Well, he can get the Lowe's or, like, put them by the Airport Marriott.

[H. Foley]

Got it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

What? You got it, you rich motherfucker.

[H. Foley]

See that? Fake tits on your wife and your father.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Okay, so I agree to it, but now I gotta, you know, they all gotta get out of there.

[H. Foley]

I cannot believe you agreed to this.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I know, it's crazy, right? Okay, so they all come down.

[H. Foley]

You have to involve the hotel in any of this at all.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, they have to switch the keys over, like, because he has already keyed. So now I gotta get. And I don't.

[H. Foley]

That's four keys. I would want those counted.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't think she. I think. I don't think she did a pure swap swap. I think she was just like, okay, like, here. Just like, handed me the keys or.

[Unknown]

Something underneath the table.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Like, it didn't feel. It didn't feel like the straw trick. I was gonna think, this woman's in the weeds. She's just got a pretty good solution to solving half of her fucking problems. I. I don't know. I just. I got keys. And at this point, I cancel the Uber. The Uber's outside.

[H. Foley]

Oh, you son of a. You ruined that guy's night.

[Kevin James Ryan]

He was all perked up.

[H. Foley]

Plugged that guy out of bed at 1 o' clock in the morning.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I didn't drag him out of bed. He gets his fee, he gets 15 bucks or whatever.

[H. Foley]

You're in there cutting deals with the cartel.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Oh, there's another. Okay, so now there's a whole nother set of problems. Heights are going rich. Mexican guy, hot wife, huge set of cans. Now I'm in his hotel room. This thing's gonna blow up any minute. They're the fucking. Fucking. The cartel's gonna come in to fucking whack this guy. I'm the patsy sitting there. I'm gonna get fucking killed in the mid tonight. Who knows how many keys are out there? Maybe he's from a. Maybe he's from a competitive podcast. They Called him into. Whacked me. This whole thing's a setup.

[H. Foley]

I just pictured three sicarios standing over your bed as you're sleeping. Like, he doesn't look like El Diablo.

[Kevin James Ryan]

At all.

[H. Foley]

More like Orion.

[Kevin James Ryan]

His head's bigger. In person, they're all smoking. I get a heater. I wake up, hey, fellas. She has a smoking room. So I get in there. Now it's all kind of.

[H. Foley]

Hold on. What do you say to this guy?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Hey, thank you very much. Enjoy your welcome to America.

[H. Foley]

Enjoy your stay. You're both jammed up in the middle of the night.

[Kevin James Ryan]

He's on vacation. He goes, we're in town doing something. Something. Then we're going here.

[H. Foley]

What a nice guy.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Beautifully nice man. Like super fucking shake his hand. Yes.

[H. Foley]

How about the wife?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Hey, get over here. Family hugs, a pair of panties in there. I'm in there sniffing the sheep.

[H. Foley]

Just out of curiosity, which corner of the bed did you sit on?

[Kevin James Ryan]

They were sitting on the bed.

[H. Foley]

How do you know?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Because I got in there. There was. There was prints of them all.

[H. Foley]

He didn't walk you upstairs?

[Kevin James Ryan]

No. What the. That's whack job, dude. That's. That's not. That's dirt nap.

[H. Foley]

Don't mind the plastic.

[Unknown]

Only one bed. I'm assuming two beds. Okay.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I picked the one with the least amount of ruffledness.

[H. Foley]

What does the family say when they come down? Does the wife say to the husband, what are you doing? Who is this man?

[Kevin James Ryan]

This is your new husband. This is Gippy. International businessman, it's called.

[H. Foley]

Are you garbage? Wow. So get it all straightened out.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Got it all straightened out.

[H. Foley]

Do you see the Uber driver outside, by the way?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't think so, man. That's a lot of stuff happening. Moving real quick. This guy's giving me deals I can't say no to.

[H. Foley]

That's the guy who got the short end of the stick in this story.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I apologize. I'm not. I'm not a guy to do him and me. Let's fucking zoom this out a little bit. Uber ain't no. I understand it's the drivers, but those fucking guy. We just had a guy. Can't they cancel on you all the fucking time?

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm not doing. I've had a guy just fucking. And then they don't want to cancel. So then they just don't show up.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin James Ryan]

There's even a. There's even a thing when you go, I want to cancel this ride. They go. The driver's not getting any closer. They just decide. They don't want to fucking do it.

[H. Foley]

But he got the short end of the stick.

[Unknown]

Driving 1am in Philly. That's your problem. Hey, man, you made that decision.

[H. Foley]

I got the short end of the stick.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You made that short end of the night.

[H. Foley]

I got to see the wife and.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So, yeah, so then I got in there. I had to like. I mean, there wasn't enough deadbolts to fucking. And that's a scary sleep. Someone was just in the room.

[H. Foley]

A family.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I know, but you don't have rich people. You know how many keys are out? I don't. It's just. That's not my room, though.

[H. Foley]

You got nothing that he needs or wants?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Maybe he's in the fucking. Maybe they're. They're organ traffickers or something. I don't know. And they.

[H. Foley]

Somebody wants your kidney.

[Kevin James Ryan]

They need my black lungs and bad liver. I don't know, dude. Yeah, it was a fucking.

[Unknown]

Now, hypothetically, your best pal Henry was at a hotel.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Oh, yeah.

[Unknown]

What would it have taken for you to call it? Let's say he wakes up somehow.

[H. Foley]

What would it take for you to say how? I was in a hotel.

[Unknown]

You were in a hotel. I was in a hotel that night, Wednesday night, Kippy.

[H. Foley]

Like far away from you.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, I would have. I would have just. I would have went back or I would have just been like. I would have got to the burbs and went to a Ramada or something on Street Road down there by Parks.

[H. Foley]

Yikes.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Fucking drain a body out in the tubers, hit the Lincoln Motel.

[H. Foley]

Oh, man. That was where, man, there's a couple hotels on the Going getting on the turnpike in Fort Washington that look like murderers.

[Unknown]

Oh, yeah.

[H. Foley]

What are you doing?

[Kevin James Ryan]

The Lincoln Motel. Oh, wait, no. Lincoln Motel. Ben Salem.

[H. Foley]

Oh, my God.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's where we used to party after. It looks pretty good now. Two star hotel.

[H. Foley]

Get good shit out there.

[Kevin James Ryan]

3.7 reviews. This was 3.7 stars.

[H. Foley]

Oh, three reviews.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No. One out of five. First, let me say how unsafe we felt. They're running a liquor store in front where you check in, so the guest comes second when you're trying to check in second. The sign out front reads newly renovated, not the place. 170 something for a full size bed. Don't go to this hotel. Jesus. Huh? Yeah. That was like. Those are like people say used to, like. That was like, you can like rent by the hour and stuff. That was like a tough, tough room.

[H. Foley]

Gotcha.

[Unknown]

Down there in the Chamonix.

[H. Foley]

I wouldn't let you stay right by Pork's I would have let you stay with me. I had two beds too.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I could have just got a hotel room there. Like. I understand that. It's just the.

[H. Foley]

He asked you the question. Would you have come out and stayed with me?

[Kevin James Ryan]

No. Why would I? That doesn't make any sense.

[H. Foley]

I could have introduced you to some people.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I get out there and have to be punished and sleep in a room with you.

[Unknown]

Foley, how many beds did your room have?

[H. Foley]

6.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Six bedroom, six queen size bed.

[H. Foley]

Now that two, which I usually don't like.

[Unknown]

But it's a bed for Kippy.

[H. Foley]

I didn't make the. Yeah, it would have been nice for Kippy.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, I mean, but you were like.

[H. Foley]

What'S it take for you to sleep in the same bed with me? A king size bed?

[Kevin James Ryan]

What?

[H. Foley]

Jammed up. All right, hold on. Let's say this.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Okay, let's see.

[H. Foley]

I'm also in that hotel, all right, with the. With the. With the Rich family. I had just banged the wife. I had hit the gym in a hot tub afterwards. Took down a. Took down a 12 inch from fucking subway.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I thought you meant from Javier.

[H. Foley]

Hello. How do you say I'm cool with it in Spanish?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Uh huh.

[H. Foley]

I go up to my room. This all unfolds. You hit me up. Yeah. Come up and stay.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Do you have a second bed?

[H. Foley]

No, but I got a king size and I'm on my side.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I know what you. You very.

[H. Foley]

Where would you.

[Unknown]

Let's do this? In like Tulsa also. It's not in Philly.

[H. Foley]

You'd rather stay on the street than share a bed with me?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Make love with me, your best pal.

[H. Foley]

I would sleep one way, you could sleep the other.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Okay, okay. What do you want from me? Yes, I would do it.

[H. Foley]

However, I do sleep al fresco and hard.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I have a weird dick where I'm constantly hard when I'm in bath.

[H. Foley]

For some reason is worse at night. Yeah, it's like a little kid's cough gets bad at night. I don't know what it is.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Don't think. I mean, what are we doing? We have a show the next day. Like we're on the road. Yeah, I'd spend the 800. Business is paying for it.

[H. Foley]

Okay, that's full.

[Kevin James Ryan]

To go get a nice.

[H. Foley]

That's the only place you can stay? Either. Either my room or down in the hotel.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Down in the what, the lobby?

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'll tell you what I do. I get a cot.

[H. Foley]

This is offensive.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I get a cot.

[H. Foley]

No cots. They don't got. I'll sleep on the floor in my room.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Sure.

[H. Foley]

All right, cool. We're still doing sleepovers.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Get some nice pillows. They'll give me pillows and blankets, right? They got them. It's a goddamn hotel.

[H. Foley]

I know. I watch your shower.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I. Maybe I'll post up in that. Do you have a. I take a chair and, like, you know, make a little bed out of a desk or. I'd figure something out.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Okay. When's the last time we stayed in the same room together? Was it the beginning of this? When we.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No. No.

[H. Foley]

Did we ever share a room?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Not on the Not. Not since Ayg has been happening.

[H. Foley]

Me, you, Cotton.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Not since you put the weight on me.

[H. Foley]

You, Cotton, and Siobhan shared. We shared a room.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Right.

[H. Foley]

Weren't. With the four of us in that one room?

[Unknown]

That scary room, right?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. That haunted house.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. The four of us were in that room, man.

[Unknown]

One bed.

[H. Foley]

I think me and Cotton slept in the bed.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

On the floor, snored. Talk about fucking rattling the cages.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Sounded like two bears going a couple of wookies. This place haunted by Star wars characters. Jesus Christ.

[H. Foley]

Wow. So it all worked out. Shout out to that guy. Being fucking awesome.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That guy was great. I also think, like, he was. I was on a little bit of a tight schedule. I had to get up. I had shit to do the next day. So I think he was more like, oh, we just need to. We need to get in and stay.

[H. Foley]

They charge you for the room?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I think so. Yeah. Probably.

[H. Foley]

He didn't eat it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

What?

[H. Foley]

He didn't eat the. He didn't pay for the room?

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, I think they refunded him.

[H. Foley]

They just didn't pay for the room. He got.

[Kevin James Ryan]

They refunded him and I got my $208 room or whatever it was, which they should have. That should have been on the fucking arm. Half off or a fucking. She goes, we'll give you a free continental breakfast. I go, ladies, that's free anyway.

[H. Foley]

You fucking dumb.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Getting the fuck out of this place in the morning. Save it.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, yeah. Place that I was staying at, they thought that I was checking out a day early and I got a call in the middle of the day. Hey, you left all your. You left your CPAP machine and all this stuff and. Dude, I just. Man, I was.

[Unknown]

You must have freaked out.

[H. Foley]

Freaked out. I need that. Don't do. That's a medical device.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's like cutting the tag off.

[H. Foley]

And they're like, no, it's fine. We just. We just figured. Figured you didn't check out.

[Unknown]

You must have been a nightmare. Whoever you Were around just like anxious.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Questions like I was illegal for someone to go into your room. And what if they did? What did they go through? Did they see my underwear? And I mean I didn't leave.

[H. Foley]

I don't care if they see my underwear. You see that from the street? The curtains hanging. And then I spent 24 hours at headquarters the Bureau of Crazy of the Bureau of Crazy. And she did not disappoint. Caught the last couple of minutes of my. My cousin's swim meet.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Okay? Cannonball, cherry bomb.

[H. Foley]

Went back to the house, got busted. Full disclosure. So I went to get a hoagie. Ok. All right, I'm home and get hoagie. All right. It's gonna be my dinner about 4 o'. Clock.

[Kevin James Ryan]

A lot of bread.

[Unknown]

You've been eating a lot of bread.

[H. Foley]

My one cousin works. Work. My one young cousin, okay? High school kid, okay. Worked at this. At this spot. Okay. And then our normal spot. Then he stopped working there. He works at. He. Then he got a job at another one. So I'm not even thinking. All right? And the words on the street. I'm not supposed to be eating hoagies. Family knows that.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So you. Okay, let me. So let's just say your. Your. Your nephew you said or cousin. I'm sorry.

[H. Foley]

Cousin.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Your cousin works at Angelo's.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Stops working at Angelo's.

[H. Foley]

Goes.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Works at Della Sandros.

[H. Foley]

Not that high.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Whatever goes works it goes. Works at Al.

[H. Foley]

You gotta be. Got the professional working down. Sandra. Shout out to it. Go.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Go. Works at Nicky's, Frank's. Franks.

[H. Foley]

Why.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Why are you. What the. So you go. I can go to Angelo's because there's.

[H. Foley]

No witnesses there because Patty's at the. Still at the fucking swim meet and she's hitting 4 o' clock mass. So I got at least till 4:30 to eat.

[Kevin James Ryan]

She'll go home, eat this.

[H. Foley]

And I was exhausted. I had a fucking long week. I hadn't eaten breakfast. Yeah, I'm grabbing a fucking hoagie and going back to the house and fucking knocking that down and watching an editing game.

[Unknown]

After school Henry.

[H. Foley]

After school Henry. Latchkey kid.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Latchkey extraordinaire.

[H. Foley]

So I call up, I pull out of the fucking. The where the swim meet was.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No. Okay, you're at the swim meet. What time is this? What time did you get to the swim meet? And what time is it when you pull up to Angelo's or do you call. Hold on. What time do you get to the swim meet? Take this nice and slow.

[H. Foley]

I'll take it slow. I think I got to the swim meet at 1.

[Kevin James Ryan]

At what point in the day you knew you were going to hoagie?

[H. Foley]

The night before.

[Kevin James Ryan]

The night before.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

The night before.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So you go, I'm going to.

[H. Foley]

Because I had kept it pretty tight.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No one believes you, but okay. I'm just saying your whole thing is pretty tight. Sure. Hoagies, sure. Also multiple sizzlies. You've said you've multiple sizzlies. That would argue. That's not keeping it.

[H. Foley]

My morning eating was not good this week.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So. So not pretty.

[H. Foley]

Pretty tight for them.

[Kevin James Ryan]

For the remainder of the days a hoagie was included in that. But early.

[H. Foley]

I didn't eat dinner.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That was my one meal.

[H. Foley]

I'm aware.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I know, but just go, maybe it wasn't, but I'm not breaking your balls. But you go, I kept it pretty tight. And you've named multiple. You've only thought.

[H. Foley]

I'm no expert. I'm no expert, but the sound I hear sounds like my balls getting broke.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, you go. You go. I've kept it pretty tight. When you've only mentioned eating multiple different kinds of sandwiches. Do you see what I'm saying there?

[H. Foley]

I see how that could be misconstrued.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Not misconstrued.

[Unknown]

You're saying your early morning eating habits were bad and then you're like, but I got the hoagie early.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Early.

[H. Foley]

I got the hoagie at one. No, okay, let me clarify.

[Unknown]

Take it slow.

[H. Foley]

My early morning eating habits that week, okay, for the, for the few days that I was down hours to four day. Okay, I got a sizzly and a cup of coffee. Cold brew at Wawa. Three out of the four days that I was down there. Every hour on the ocean, but I didn't get one. The last day that I was down there, I hadn't eaten at all. Ok? That was the only thing that I'd eaten that day.

[Kevin James Ryan]

All right, hold on. Put a pin in this. You're breaking my ball. You're telling me like you're breaking my balls. I'm sorry, but breakfast sandwiches every day. And the one day you don't do it, you get a fucking 12 foot hoagie. That's not keeping it tight. So don't fucking say I'm breaking your balls and make me look like a bad guy. You're just lying.

[Unknown]

Our big boy needs a reward.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, like what the fuck? I'm keeping it tight. You've had breakfast sandwiches every day.

[H. Foley]

Thank you.

[Kevin James Ryan]

One a week would be like, you.

[H. Foley]

Can stay in my room anytime.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I've been keeping it tight. I had on Saturday. I was bad and I had a cheat day. I'm just saying. But you can't go. I'm keeping it pretty tight. When the facts you've told us thus far are not.

[H. Foley]

I'm just trying to be honest.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And so am I. That's not pretty tight. I don't think anybody would call that pretty tight. So you knew the night before. So you def. You were keeping it tight. So you deferred to Sizzly. I'll give you that.

[H. Foley]

Yes.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Okay.

[Unknown]

There we go.

[H. Foley]

Yes.

[Unknown]

Common ground.

[H. Foley]

So I call.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's mostly protein.

[H. Foley]

So I call. All right. So I know I'm doing this. Okay.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Which I respect.

[H. Foley]

Then when I find out she's got mass.

[Kevin James Ryan]

All that stuff late, so you know it's out. Okay. India Pop in. Or do you call for a in and out smash and grab job?

[H. Foley]

Called the second that I pulled out of the.

[Kevin James Ryan]

How far is that drive?

[H. Foley]

About 20 minutes.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Whoa.

[H. Foley]

Okay, about 21.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Something's gonna be sitting there waiting for you.

[H. Foley]

They said about 20.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

The girl on the phone said this Henry. However, now I'm not even thinking that my cousin even still works there. Okay. I think he took the call. A young kid.

[Kevin James Ryan]

What? Yeah, he. He got the calls from coming from inside the family.

[H. Foley]

He got the order. I was like, what's the last name to you?

[Kevin James Ryan]

So you talked to your cousin?

[H. Foley]

Didn't realize it.

[Unknown]

No way.

[H. Foley]

He's a young kid, so he kind of sounds like a. And I wasn't thinking. I'm thinking it's always a girl that answers.

[Kevin James Ryan]

My God. Hold on.

[H. Foley]

He doesn't say nothing.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Put a pin.

[H. Foley]

Say, uncle Hank, it's me.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Pause this for a second.

[Unknown]

Did not say nothing.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I mean, trying to do a fucking smashing grab orchestrated strike and you get your family member picking up the phone is an all time Foley thing. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Gets worse. So drive over there. I open the door and I'm like.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It'S a family reunion.

[H. Foley]

Hey, this isn't Elaine Blunt. This isn't Elaine Brian anymore.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I thought this was a crunch fitness.

[H. Foley]

You guys know where Orange Theory is?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'll take this hoagie and get the out of here. It's a good scene, everybody.

[H. Foley]

We still good for Thanksgiving? Okay, So I walk in and he looks up and he's got a big smile on his face. I'm like, what the fuck are you doing here? I thought you fucking got fired. He's like, I didn't get fired. That I have enough hours. I was over there. Now I'm over here.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So he was there. He was at Angelo's. Went to Nikki or Frank's, back to Angelo's. You don't. You didn't get the memo. Now would you if you knew there was a chance?

[H. Foley]

Not a shot. You know fucking no. I would have went back to Wawa and got a sizzling.

[Kevin James Ryan]

They were buy to get one.

[H. Foley]

The fuck?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Keeping it tight. Okay, all right.

[H. Foley]

Right. So we make our transaction. I leave them. I think it was, I don't know, 15 bucks or something.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Five grand. Call it hush money.

[H. Foley]

Okay, all right, all right. You want the real story? I gave you the real story. All right, so I got a hoagie and some onion rings. I get in there, I see he's there. We do the back and forth. I imply that I am splitting this with my mother. Ah, Picking up lunch for me and Patty.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Man, you are a fucking lion set. You will move and twist and rat. I go fucking.

[H. Foley]

I go over to the fucking. The, the soda cooler. I reach in, I get a Kutztown cream soda for me. And then I grab a diet cake which is still sitting in my mom's fridge. I had to make a light. The two drinks. It was. Patty likes to Diet Coke. He would have said something. Oh, you didn't get a soda for your mom? I know she likes Diet Coke.

[Kevin James Ryan]

She wouldn't have said something.

[Unknown]

You went. You went from fat ass to reasonable man.

[H. Foley]

Exactly.

[Unknown]

We're splitting a hoagie.

[H. Foley]

Which ended up. Which ended up happening.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I didn't have breakfast.

[H. Foley]

Get off my fucking back. He didn't say anything. Which ended up happening anyway. Not by design.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So fucking hog tied in your trunk right now.

[H. Foley]

I close out with him. Okay. It's 20 bucks. Give him. He gets a 20.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Kind of, you know, buying the silence a little bit. I was never here. You telling about this, I'll fucking kill you.

[H. Foley]

Which I thought was understood.

[Unknown]

Be cool, man.

[Kevin James Ryan]

But big celebrity like you back in small town, local boy makes good. Hey, I know, but Henry, I saw Henry. You're gonna bump in. You're gonna bump into your mom at fucking McCafferty's or whatever. And hey, fucking. How was the half of the hoagie?

[H. Foley]

Here's the worst part.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It was four Okies. I got a football team coming over. I get back to the house, Patty bails on church.

[H. Foley]

No worse. Worse than getting caught.

[Unknown]

Whole church groups there.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So you're expecting now. So this is what you leave. You're expecting? No one at the house. What time do you get home?

[H. Foley]

It's probably around 2:30, maybe 2. Something like that.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You're expecting Patty. Patty's somewhere.

[H. Foley]

And then I got two and a half hours.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Patty's doing math. Worst case scenario, shut it down quick, homily, she's out of there. 4:35.

[H. Foley]

Well, she does get out of there quick. She gets out of communion. She can't go that long without a heater.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Sure. Church of Winston's.

[H. Foley]

I get home, dogs freaking out. Go in, pull out. I'm looking. I'm looking for some. Something now.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Is there nervousness of, like, getting caught?

[H. Foley]

No, it's not like that. She's knocking patties now.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

I mean, I would have took some heat, but. No, I'm not like. I'm not, like, worried fucking TMZ is gonna show up.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Okay. It hasn't been the vibes you've been leading in the story thus far. I'm sorry.

[H. Foley]

I mean, I would rather make me.

[Kevin James Ryan]

An asshole when I'm like, are you worried? No, not at all. I would rather bribe in a kid.

[H. Foley]

I would rather keep this between myself and him.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Sure. All I'm asking, are you. Are you worried about. What kind of hoogie was it? Are you worried about the odor of a hoagie? Because that'll stick in a couch for a couple, two, three hours.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So you are wor.

[H. Foley]

Maybe.

[Kevin James Ryan]

If you're worried about the smell of the food, you're worried about getting caught, right? Okay. Why do you make me do this? Look like an asshole to you?

[H. Foley]

If my worried.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Just go and just go. Oh, you got me.

[H. Foley]

What kind of hoagie is a cheesesteak? Hoagie.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

Which is a kind of hoagie.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's not a light one.

[H. Foley]

No.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Which it is also a cheesesteak, which he had knew, so you doubled up on a Sammy's. I got a cheesesteak and a hoagie. Wrap that up in one.

[H. Foley]

You mean a chihoegi? And he had. He had known it was me, so he hooked it up. It was fucking heavy. Yeah. Put gummy bears in there still. Fucking ratted me out.

[Kevin James Ryan]

What do you do? I. I mean, I've. I'm a fat man myself. And I'm not. I under. I'm coming from a fat brain here. Don't look at me like that. Do you do anything for the smell? Crack a window, light a candle, a little Febreze, maybe? Keep the door open halfway where you catch a heater?

[H. Foley]

No, I had enough time. I really wasn't thinking about the odor.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You know what an easy one is? Popcorn throws them off the scent.

[H. Foley]

Shit in the kitchen, okay? This is what happened. So I go in, take my shit off. I like to eat naked over at the counter and watch the thing. Plus, you can't sit down on the couch. The dogs, they'll. They'll rip it out of your fucking hands.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Or Foley's. They look a nice joby, I take it.

[H. Foley]

Now, I know that they're. I'm playing defense on the dog. On the dogs, okay? I mean, they are crazy. And the fucking older one has taught the little one. It's like a fucking Jedi and an apprentice. So I gotta be whatever. I had my socks off. My feet were killing me. The coldness of the kitchen floor.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You're standing.

[H. Foley]

It just felt so good. Well, no, there's a little, like, long chair that you can slide over. Which one? I once. I got in a position and got my sauces in my ice. Cup of ice and all that stuff. Got rid of that Diet Coke. I was gonna do that. I fucking.

[Kevin James Ryan]

How deep are you in the onion rings at this point? Because that's a dabble.

[H. Foley]

Listen. Just fucking listen. Take my shit off. I'm getting comfy. Fucking bags. Say hi to the dogs. Put the bag up on top of the thing. Say hi to the dogs.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[H. Foley]

Come over, unwrap my hoagie wrapper. Dump my onion rings on the wrapper. On the wrapper, on the paper. Little one, get a little. They. Then they give you a sauce. It's almost like a thousand island dressing dip. I get one onion ring.

[Kevin James Ryan]

A thousand calories.

[H. Foley]

I get one onion ring in me. The sauce was. Okay, we could do better. Okay. I pivot and I pushed the sandwich back. Like, I took all precautions. I go over to the fridge. I'm looking through. She had, like, just cleaned out the fridge. There's nothing in there. I'm fucking looking. Blue cheese Ranch. Give me something. I see a horseradish cream in there. All right, that's what we're looking for.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Nuts.

[H. Foley]

And as I turn around, these rats. He gets the edge of the paper. Edge of the paper and yanks it on the floor. And they're going at it. And I'm freaking out. What the.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Oh, man.

[H. Foley]

God damn it, Daisy. So now I'm fighting them. I'm not giving this up. So the one half of the hoagie had hit. I grabbed that. I take it. And they fucking took everything else. Just fucking. I mean, not that they ate. I couldn't eat it. There's dogs slobber all over it. The cheesesteak had opened up and fell out. And, dude, those dogs, like, you know, like, you know, the meat in a cheesesteak is kind of all stuck together with the cheese.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Like a log, kind of.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, the whole fucking thing.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's good eating to them.

[H. Foley]

So I ended up with a half.

[Kevin James Ryan]

A and two dead dogs. We gotta wrap it up. Rest in peace, boys. You go for the king, you best not miss. Gang shout out to you we love you and we'll see you tomorrow, baby.

[H. Foley]

Peace, peace.