Paul Walter Hauser!

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast" Featuring Paul Walter Hauser

Episode Title: Paul Walter Hauser!
Release Date: April 3, 2025
Hosts: Kevin Ryan & H. Foley
Guest: Paul Walter Hauser
Knowledge Cutoff: October 2023

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1. Introduction to Paul Walter Hauser

The episode kicks off with Kevin Ryan and H. Foley enthusiastically welcoming Paul Walter Hauser, celebrating his multifaceted career in acting, comedy, and filmmaking. Kevin provides an extensive overview of Hauser's impressive filmography, highlighting his roles in "Get Ready," "Community," "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," and most notably, his performance in the new movie "The Luckiest Man in America," which is currently in theaters.

Notable Quote:
Kevin Ryan [02:35]: "He has range. Oh, yeah, and by the way, he's got a Critics Choice Award, a Golden Globe, and a goddamn Emmy. Bit of a show-off if you ask me, huh?"

2. Early Life and Education

Paul delves into his upbringing in Grand Rapids and Saginaw, Michigan, sharing insights about his family background. His father was a Lutheran pastor, and his mother transitioned from managing a daycare to becoming a school principal. Paul discusses his passion for entertainment from a young age, participating in theater, writing screenplays, and pursuing stand-up comedy during his formative years.

Notable Quote:
Paul Walter Hauser [07:05]: "We moved there. Those are my formative years. Dad's a Lutheran pastor, mom is a daycare manager turned substitute teacher turned teacher turned school administrator principal type."

3. Breaking into the Acting World

Paul recounts his initial foray into acting, mentioning his background role in the independent film "Virginia" alongside notable actors like Jennifer Connelly and Ed Harris. A pivotal moment was receiving an invitation to audition after offering a compliment to director Lance Black, which led to more significant opportunities in both comedy and drama.

Notable Quote:
Paul Walter Hauser [09:43]: "When I told him that as like a 40-second drive-by compliment, he wrote my name down and invited me back for an audition."

4. Career Highlights and Challenges

Transitioning to Hollywood, Paul discusses the versatility of his roles, blending comedic elements into dramatic performances. He highlights his experiences working on diverse projects, including "Kingdom," "I, Tonya," and upcoming films like "Fantastic Four" and a collaboration with Mark Wahlberg and director Peter Farrelly.

Notable Quote:
Paul Walter Hauser [10:07]: "Hollywood decided to invite me into the world of dramas. But even in dramas, I was bringing a comedic element."

5. Personal Anecdotes and Life Experiences

The conversation takes a humorous turn as Paul shares various personal stories, from childhood experiences like surviving a severe car accident in Benton Harbor, Michigan, to his struggles with obtaining a driver's license due to trauma from the accident. He also touches on his health, revealing his battle with gout since age 25 and how sobriety has helped manage his condition.

Notable Quote:
Paul Walter Hauser [24:54]: "We got hit by one of those 18-wheelers going 80, 90 miles an hour, hit us from behind our van, flipped over like three times. They thought we were dead. And we all survived it."

6. Hobbies, Interests, and Lifestyle

Paul elaborates on his love for food, recounting his transition from enjoying budget-friendly options like Jack's Pizza to savoring gourmet meals at Michelin-starred restaurants. He humorously critiques popular food items such as pizza rolls and Buffalo Wild Wings, highlighting his discerning taste despite his indulgent habits.

Notable Quote:
Paul Walter Hauser [29:07]: "Jack's was cheap as hell. It was like $2.50. They had, like, five kids, you know? They had to make a buck."

7. Current Life and Future Endeavors

Currently residing in Atlanta, Georgia, Paul discusses his plans for expanding his family and the practical reasons behind relocating from Los Angeles. He touches on his financial strategies, including renting-to-own his residence to avoid depleting his savings, and acknowledges the financial responsibilities that come with his acting career, such as SAG dues and agent fees.

Notable Quote:
Paul Walter Hauser [41:25]: "I'm renting to own because we didn't have enough, we wanted to save a buck or two in Georgia. And I love that when you're on the road a lot, like I am, you want your wife to feel protected."

8. Conclusion and Final Thoughts

As the podcast wraps up, the hosts humorously engage Paul in the "Are You Garbage?" game, concluding that despite his achievements and successes, his quirks and honest admissions earn him "Garbage" points. They enthusiastically promote his latest film "The Luckiest Man in America" and express their admiration for his candidness and humor throughout the episode.

Notable Quote:
Kevin Ryan [54:11]: "The movie is 'The Luckiest Man in America.' It's in theaters right now. It is absolutely fantastic… 100% garbage, Paul Walter Hauser."

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Key Insights and Takeaways

• Versatility in Acting: Paul Walter Hauser's ability to seamlessly blend comedy into dramatic roles showcases his range and adaptability as an actor.

• Resilience and Overcoming Challenges: Surviving a life-threatening car accident and battling with gout exemplifies Paul's resilience and determination to succeed despite personal hurdles.

• Authentic and Relatable Personality: Paul's candid sharing of his struggles, humor, and everyday experiences make him a relatable and authentic figure, endearing him to audiences and peers alike.

• Balanced Approach to Career and Personal Life: Paul's strategic relocation and financial planning reflect a balanced approach to managing a demanding career while nurturing his personal life and expanding family.

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Highlights by Timestamp

• [07:05] - Discussion on Paul's early life and family background.
• [09:43] - Paul shares how a compliment led to his first significant acting audition.
• [10:07] - Transition into drama roles while maintaining comedic elements.
• [24:54] - Recounts surviving a severe car accident and its impact on his driving.
• [29:07] - Hilarious take on evolving pizza preferences and indulgent eating habits.
• [41:25] - Explains the reasoning behind relocating to Atlanta and financial strategies.
• [54:11] - Hosts conclude with playful "Garbage" points, endorsing his latest film.

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Closing Remarks

This episode of "Are You Garbage?" offers an in-depth and entertaining look into Paul Walter Hauser's life, blending humor with heartfelt stories. Listeners gain valuable insights into his journey, challenges, and the personal traits that make him a beloved figure in the entertainment industry. Whether you're a fan of his work or new to his talent, this episode is a must-listen for its genuine and engaging portrayal of a successful comedian and actor.

Transcript

[Kevin Ryan]

Step right up. Step right up. The third edition of the Are youe Garbage? Card game is on sale right now. We're talking about the 2025 edition. This is our best one yet. Do yourself a favor, grab a pack and play the game with your family and find out who's at your rage.

[H. Foley]

I got one for you right here. Fresh off the deck. Did your mom ever own the Thighmaster? Yeah, she did. Are there currently any stains on your shirt, big man?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, there are.

[H. Foley]

Have you ever owned any. Now that's what I call music CDs.

[Kevin Ryan]

Bada bing, bada boom.

[H. Foley]

Let's go get them at are you garbage.com. they're shipping it within a day or too, so you can get them for the weekend.

[Kevin Ryan]

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are you Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is are you garbage? Oh, yeah, it's that little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that at the group to be classy. Yeah, they're just a big old piece of trash.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Trash, trash, trash.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm your host, Dave Trolley. Coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in a new edition. She's upstairs cleaning her pellet gun. Okay, Somebody's gonna get it. I don't know who it is.

[H. Foley]

Good for her.

[Kevin Ryan]

Mike Ho is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of R U Garbage. He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world. Give it up for kj Kevin James Ryan, everybody.

[H. Foley]

What up, gang? Shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in. As always, make sure you rate view subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube and also Spotify now and then patreon.com Are you garbage? Greatest website in all the land. Ye.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes sir. And gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly and I mean incredibly special guest here with us today for the first time. He is an extremely talented, extremely successful actor, comedian, producer, director, writer. And you might have seen him in but not limited to get ready boys. You got Virginia, you got community. You got it's always Sunny Key and Peele Kingdom. 27 episodes of that I Tonya Blackkklansman, Richard Jewell directed by Clint Eastwood. I don't know if you know that. How you doing? Reno 911, six episodes of that songbird, cruella queen pins. Fantastic. Blackbird six episodes of that, old dad's inside out, two cobra kai, 15 episodes of that. I think you should leave the instigators, Late Night, the After Party, ten episodes of that. And get this. This is what he's got coming down the pike. He's gonna be in the Fantastic Four movie, the Springsteen movie, the Naked Gun, and a movie with Mark Wahlberg directed by Peter Fairey.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

He's got range.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, yeah, and by the way, he's got a Critics Choice Award, a Golden Globe, and a goddamn Emmy. Bit of a show off if you ask me, huh? Killing it. And he's the star of the brand new movie, the Luckiest man in America, which is in theaters right now. Do yourself a favor. It's absolutely fantastic. Give it up for Paul Walter Hauser. Look at you.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I'm gonna. I'm gonna just make sure you get on cameo so I can pay you to just make that video for me once a month when I'm having a rainy day.

[Kevin Ryan]

I got a goddamn Emmy. What are you talking about?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

That's awesome. Thank you very much, man. Also, I will say, hearing all those titles, it's like, man, a lot of fun movies. Movies I just categorize as fun home runs. I've had a lot of fun home runs.

[Kevin Ryan]

Queen pins is fantastic.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

You got some great. I know you guys are from Philly, right? You got some Chicago in you. You got some John Candy energy in my voice. Yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I was born in upstate Pennsylvania, so that accent tends to lean a little Midwest.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

You know, it's funny, I auditioned for the Kroll show back in, like, 2014 or something.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

And they wanted me to do a sketch. They didn't want me to. They are giving me the audition to try to book a role in a sketch that, like, took place in Philadelphia. And they needed me to have a Philly accent. And I didn't.

[H. Foley]

Really tough to hit if. Yeah, it's tough.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I didn't nail it.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's 2014.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Kept trying to say sub and tonic. It's a lot of time.

[Kevin Ryan]

I think I read for that. Didn't get it either. What are you going to do, buddy? The movie's fantastic.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, man. Congratulations.

[Kevin Ryan]

You were awesome.

[H. Foley]

Of course.

[Kevin Ryan]

Love the way that they did it. Just right up the middle. You're in the action and it goes. It looks beautiful.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah. I think it's at, like, a tight 90, 95 minutes. Like, it's one of those movies that trucks along really well.

[Kevin Ryan]

So good. Such an interesting story. It's fantastic. We can't thank you enough. For being here, guys, again, it's in theaters right now. Do yourself a favor. The luckiest man in America. Go see it.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

For those that don't know the quick elevator pitch on this.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Hit it.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Back in 1984, there was a series called Prester Luck Game Show. And you try to win a bunch of money in prizes, but if you press the buzzer at the wrong time, you would get what's called a whammy. This little red monster. Very familiar with the whammy stuff. And you know, we all have our whammies in life. I think I got a couple on me and a couple of my ex wives were whammies. You know what I mean? They took my money from me. No, but this story is a true story about how this man named Michael Larson, who was a bit of a grifter, a con man, back in 1984, he took CBS for a little over $100,000. And. And the reality was, is he didn't really cheat necessarily, but he did figure out the pattern and the algorithm that only had about five different patterns of how to press the buzzer at the right time to. To get the prizes and the money. And so the film explores that brief moment in time. I like to call it a time capsule, this film, because you get a real. A real accurate depiction of 1983 in America and what people look, attitudes, and, you know, even we'll do cutaways to Walton Goggins talking to the crowd, or j. My buddy Jimmy Wolk talking to one of the co workers. And you. You get a feeling that it's kind of a ignorance is bliss moment in America.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

It's like we're all thriving. We're all doing well. There's a healthy working middle class. We don't. We kind of don't know what lies ahead, you know?

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[H. Foley]

Huh.

[Kevin Ryan]

You get to take CBS for 100 in about 22 minutes.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah. That's like one residual for Jim Parsons for Big Bang. 100K from CBS right at the pod.

[H. Foley]

Even catch that? I don't think.

[Kevin Ryan]

Give us the backstory. Give us the origin story.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Where were you born? Moms, dads, brothers, sisters? Lay it on us for a second.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I thought of this for a second. I thought you were doing the David Duchovny from Zoolander where you're like, but why male models? You're saying, like, but what's the backstory? And I'm like, I just told you the backstory.

[H. Foley]

Succinctly gave it to you.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Press your luck.

[Kevin Ryan]

My backstory movie About.

[H. Foley]

I thought you did the same thing. I'm like, are you stroking out right now, dude? He just fucking did it. Perfect. I take it from the top.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I was born in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

[Kevin Ryan]

Michigan, Okay.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I go to Saginaw, Michigan around the age of two, one, one and a half, something like that. I don't really remember what I'm told. We moved there. Those are my formative years.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Dad's a Lutheran pastor, mom is a daycare manager turned substitute teacher turned teacher turned school administrator principal type. Worked way up the ladder and. And her and dad were just very much. It was like churches and schools, that kind of small town, simple energy, you know.

[Kevin Ryan]

Your dad had his own church.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

He was the head pastor at the church.

[Kevin Ryan]

Gotcha.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

And I have a brother and two sisters who got into a similar line of work. I had always been romanced by the world of comedy and theater and music and professional wrestling. I just love the idea of entertainment and creation and being a part of that, that machine. And I pursued that throughout school. I ended up writing screenplays in high school. I started doing stand up comedy in high school. I did 10 plays in four years, which is kind of the equivalent to like a two or three sport athlete every year. But it was more mathletics or something.

[Kevin Ryan]

Varsity letterman in theater theatrics.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

And I just, I ingratiated myself. I was obsessed. You know, if Jerry Seinfeld was on the COVID of a TV guide, I saved it. Like that type of weirdo stuff. But it did account or did amount and accumulate to me being ready when the time came. And I went and auditioned for a background role in a small independent film in Michigan. It was called Virginia.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's Virginia. That was the first one.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah, yeah. Jennifer Connelly, Ed Harris, bunch of great people were in that movie. And I showed up to a background actor, but I saw the director and I was like, yo, congrats on your movie Milk that you won the Oscar for. I loved the movie. It was very moving. And your Oscar speech was moving because, you know, I was one of these more liberal minded Jesus people in my hometown.

[Kevin Ryan]

Gotcha.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

So like when Lance Black is telling everybody like, God doesn't hate gay people, I'm like, yeah, it's nice to hear someone say that. Yeah, thank you. I agree. So I just told him that as like a 40 second drive by compliment. And he wrote my name down, invited me back for an audition. When I got to the audition, it was like a bunch of local yokels who work at like convenience stores.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

It wasn't like people that save TV guides.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

10 plays under my belt.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah. Yeah. No, I was like a monster. I was so competitive. I was so ready to go. I got the whole script from a manager in Hollywood and printed it out. I didn't just do the sides like the guys there had.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

So, like doing every part, but I just really threw myself into it. The rest is history. I did the come up like anybody else. It happened a little bit quicker than other people. Maybe put the work in cooking, but, yeah, you find your thing and then sometimes you get thrown a great curveball in the form of an I. Tanya and a Richard Jewel. Where I was predominantly doing sketch comedy, standup comedy, we were making short films for Funny or Die, that type of thing.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

And then, you know, Hollywood decided to invite me into the world of dramas. But even in dramas, I was bringing a comedic element the same way I'd bring a dramatic element to comedy stuff.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

Gotcha.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

And I've just been playing that game the whole time.

[H. Foley]

Both sides of the ball, baby.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's wild.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I think that was. I think I summed that up. That was beautiful. That a good summation?

[H. Foley]

That was fantastic as the most elegant.

[Kevin Ryan]

Words that were ever spoken in this place.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

If you're a garbage person, you don't say the word summation with that much ease. I know that.

[Kevin Ryan]

So no sports growing up?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

No, I played sports. I just wasn't, like, the best athlete. I also wasn't, like the worst, but I was far from the best.

[Kevin Ryan]

How are the grades? Good student?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Oh, I had straight A's through second grade.

[H. Foley]

I'm pretty sure I was putting up good numbers.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Grade three and four, we're talking A's, B's. By fifth or sixth grade, it was like some C showed up. By seventh grade, it was like, look, I'm passing. Leave me alone.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

But yeah, no, I. I played some sports. I was. I enjoyed, like, flag football, and I was so good for a minute. And then tackle football happened and I just got my ass beat. The first play of the first game, I'm like, I'm on the kickoff team. Time to pop somebody. And I got nailed and just laid on the field for the whole next play. Didn't even get up. We had 13 men on the field, and I was, like, crawling to. To the sideline. It was bad.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm gonna go back and do South Pacific.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Keep the ball.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I'll take Pippen. You keep your rugby, sir.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

What was the. What was the high school mascot growing up?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

The Charger.

[H. Foley]

That's Pretty not bad.

[Kevin Ryan]

Private school?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Public school. Public. Parochial. Jesus.

[H. Foley]

Okay, okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right. But wait, wait. It's a public school, but it was Lutheran.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

No, parochial. Private. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, it was private school. Okay, so you went to.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right. Okay. Do your parents still live in the same house that you grew up in?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

No, but same, same. Like, what do you call it? Zip code.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay. What was the name of the street that you grew up on?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

North Bond Street.

[Kevin Ryan]

North Bond.

[H. Foley]

Pretty good.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's not bad.

[H. Foley]

Pretty good.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

409 North Bond Space. I believe it's still there.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure. Bad.

[H. Foley]

And what was the name of the high school?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Valley Lutheran High School. I also took classes at a school called the Saginaw Career Complex. They called the SCC or CoC. And that was like, my junior senior year, I got to leave for three hours in the morning.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

To do digital media. So I would learn Final Cut Pro and GarageBand, and I would learn how to use cameras and do a basic setup, you know.

[H. Foley]

That's awesome.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

It was really cool.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's focused.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Well, it's cool having a career like class because I hated school.

[H. Foley]

You're at least focused of like, I.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Can do something creative. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Did you do college?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I, I, I had a cup of coffee at Concordia University, River Forest Oak Park.

[H. Foley]

Outside of tires. Yeah.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah. I went two semesters. My third semester, I dropped out and I was doing a college radio show while doing open mics in Chicago, while writing a screenplay for Key and Peele, who had just been deemed unemployed because MADTV got canceled. And I shared a manager with them at the time. He repped Key and Peele and Ike Barinholtz and some other great comedians. And he said, you want to write this movie? I know you're a writer, and these guys have an idea for a movie. And. And that was kind of my start to having, like, Hollywood friends and trying to work with people like that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Look at this.

[H. Foley]

Moving and shaking.

[Kevin Ryan]

Go, getter.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Shaking and moving.

[H. Foley]

Shaking and moving and. Or move it. Let's we what we normally do. If you're we get the name of your high school and find out if you're on the notable alum on Wikipedia. You gotta be, right? Not only a notable alum. Yeah, he's the only notable Y.

[Kevin Ryan]

What are you talking about? He's got an Emmy.

[H. Foley]

I'm just checking to make sure Wikipedia is doing their job. Cordy is counting you too.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Alumni gangster.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, they are real tough guy stuff.

[H. Foley]

Notable alum.

[Kevin Ryan]

I like it. Okay, how about the vacations growing up? What were they like? Where Would you go?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Oh, gosh. Mostly non existent. But our vacations were like family reunions. It wasn't like we went to Boca Raton and we were sipping from twirly straws.

[Kevin Ryan]

How'd you go to Boca?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I like how, I like how. Boca Raton is like a vacation destination. 1962. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

If, if you're, if you're 88 years old.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

It's like we just bought a microwave and we're going to Boca Raton. Things are looking up.

[H. Foley]

Things are going well.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

No, yeah, we, we went down to. We drove down to Florida from Michigan.

[H. Foley]

That's awesome.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

On two occasions which we had luggage fall off the top of the car. Sure you did. We had the car break down and run out of gas where we were in the blazing heat for an hour and a half while our dad got a gas can. I mean, it was some real National Lampoons vacation.

[H. Foley]

Sure. Middle America type stuff.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah. And then Wisconsin was like our big treat. We go to a cabin? No, we did go to the Dells once or twice. They had the thing called Noah's Ark at the Dells.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

And we, we went up to this place called Shawano which is like a lake by Green Bay or something. That was like our big family reunion spot.

[Kevin Ryan]

Is, was that with the. Is that. Whose side of the family was that your dad's or your mom's?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

That was my dad, my mom, My mom's folks were down in Florida and in Jersey.

[Kevin Ryan]

So that's where you. When you go to Florida, that's where you go to her.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Florida. Jersey.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Ok. Jersey. Would you go to the shore? Jersey Shore.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I don't remember the specificity so much as we definitely went to the shore and I didn't wear sunscreen for five, six hours.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'll get you.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

And I had second degree burns on my back. Went to the hospital and I spent most of my time in Jersey sitting on a couch watching movies while putting aloe on my back and crying with a fan oscillating in my face.

[H. Foley]

That is the full Jersey shore experience. That's it right there. I've done that many a times.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right, now we're getting somewhere. I like it.

[H. Foley]

What kind of cars were. What was the family car growing up that you were doing these?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Oh, it was like all these pos Astro vans and stuff. Like whatever, whatever fit all of our, our full family of six and, and Dorito crumbs in toe, you know.

[Kevin Ryan]

Six? Well, you. Yeah, six. You got three siblings?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Well, four kids and then two parents. So four plus two he's not the math. I'm just being an. I'm kidding.

[H. Foley]

He's no mathlete. I'll tell you that.

[Kevin Ryan]

I didn't go to. I'm sorry.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Sorry. I didn't get a small private college no one's heard of. By the way. I only went there because Chicago's dope. You're close to Chicago and they let in a guy like me because I got Lutheran cred or whatever.

[H. Foley]

Street credo.

[Kevin Ryan]

I like it.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I couldn't have gotten into a tish.

[H. Foley]

And what was your first job growing up?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

First job was newspaper delivery boy for like three or four months.

[H. Foley]

Very nice.

[Kevin Ryan]

Legit. Three or four months.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah. I didn't do it long. I learned that racket quick. It was good for. I had Slurpee money. I had videotape rental money. But I didn't. I wasn't making the real bucks until I started working over at the Mrs. Fields in the Saginaw Mall. Fashion Square Mall.

[H. Foley]

Fashion Square Mall.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

We used to get 50% off of food. And let me tell you my fat ass. I had so many double fudge brownies and pretzels and. And lemonades that were mostly sugar with a little bit of lemon.

[H. Foley]

The 90s were a great time. Man.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's all right. I. Mrs. Fields.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Man. Early 2000s.

[H. Foley]

Early 2000s.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Full of lipids.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Unregulated.

[Kevin Ryan]

Kid. Let's talk about simpler hair color.

[H. Foley]

Thanks. Henry. Let's talk about simpler hair color.

[Kevin Ryan]

I got news for you. Every time I look at my fat face in the mirror I see nothing but wiry gray hair. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Old gray beard dude.

[Kevin Ryan]

Bad news.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

And my beard.

[H. Foley]

Like an out of work pirate.

[Kevin Ryan]

Dude. Simpler hair color is what you want to do. Forget about the grays. Get rid of them with simpler hair color. We're talking about salon quality here. For a fraction of the cost. They were nice enough to send us some. I'm telling you right now. I'm gonna have Luke doing me up. Nice.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Stop enduring the mess of home dye kits with harsh ingredients or salons. For years the guys developed the safe and simpler hair dye formula for men with simpler hair color. There's no need to buy a separate hair beard and touch up product. A single can of simpler hair has you covered for all of them. Baby. Plus one can of simpler hair provides as many uses as up to four boxes of drugstore hair dye. Baby. What are we doing here? You're using an inferior product if you ain't using simpler hair color.

[Kevin Ryan]

Let's go.

[H. Foley]

Simpler hair color is trusted by Professional salons or all over. Simpler hair color offers gentler ingredients, a cleaner application. And unlike other companies, there is no waste. That's why their mission is to become the number one men's hair and beard dyeing brand, baby. So here's the turkey. Say goodbye to the grays the easy way with simpler hair color. Head to simplerhaircolor.com AYG use the code AYG for 10 off your order. Once again, that's simplerhaircolor.com backslash AYG for 10 off. And make sure you use our promo code AYG to let them know the boy sent you.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Do it.

[Kevin Ryan]

What about Helix Kip?

[H. Foley]

Who don't love a good Helix mattress? I snoozed in one this morning.

[Kevin Ryan]

Love a Helix mattress. Gang, do yourself a favor, go over there, take the quiz, find out how you sleep. Do you sleep hot? Do you sleep cold? On your side, on your back. Are you a big guy? Are you a small guy? Are you tall? Are you short? Whatever you got, they got you covered. You take the quiz 2, 3 minutes, they match up with the perfect mattress. It's the last mattress you're gonna own. Once you go Helix, you're never going back, baby. And you're gonna get the best night's sleep of your life.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, listen, we've been a Helix company for a long frickin time over here.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's family.

[H. Foley]

I got one, he's got one, you got, everyone's got helixes. And listen, we ain't going back. They have changed my life. It was the first purchase I made where I went, whoa. This is because I always use like, you know, you're my brother's old mattress. My grandma moved and there's a mattress in the garage you can use. Some dead woman's cotton burlap sack with hay. That ain't what we talking about. I'm a Twilight man. Me and my, my wife loves it. It's fantastic. So here's the turkey, baby. Go to helixsleep.com garbage for 20 off site wide. That ain't 10, that ain't 5. That's 20 off site site wide. That's helixleep.com garbage. Get a pen, get a pencil. Helixleep.com garbage for 20 off site Wide.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Do it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Who babysat you as a kid?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

You know what, you know what's so funny is there was a guy named Chuck Coon who babysitted us briefly when I was a kid. And he introduced me to he man. He had all those he man toys like you have the Skeletor on the shelf and he had like the castle and the thing where you connected the weird fabric animal with the saddle and everything.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, the. The tiger.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah. We thought he was the battle cat. Yeah. He let us play with his he man toys and he'd make us craft macaroni and cheese. But Jennifer Harris was our best babysitter because she took me to one of my first movies. She took us to see. She took us to a theater called Cinema Suds where you could still drink a beer and smoke a cigarette in the effing theater.

[H. Foley]

That's a good time. This country was a country.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Fall of 1990, okay. We thought Dan Quayle was a genius. Sure. And we saw Home Alone. That was one of my earliest movies.

[Kevin Ryan]

Were you drinking beers and ripping heaters?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

No, I wasn't ripping much. Other than some farts and laughing at the movie and eating from a bowl of popcorn.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right, hold on a second. How old was the guy that had the he man? Yeah.

[H. Foley]

How old was this dude and what was his connection?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Seven years my senior. So if he was babysitting me at six, he was probably 13.

[H. Foley]

Okay, okay, all right, that makes sense.

[Kevin Ryan]

Male babysitter, bad news.

[H. Foley]

You mean I.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

When you explained it bad news, did you have a bad experience or do you think this is a universal thing?

[Kevin Ryan]

Speaking broad strokes here, to have to have a male babysitter leans to the trashy side. I don't know, Jennifer sounds like a peach.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Listen, all these Mary Kay Letourneau types are weirdos. Like, I think sometimes a male babysitter is what you need to crack the whip and to get the job done.

[Kevin Ryan]

And when you said he, man, I'm picturing like some 30 year old.

[H. Foley]

That's what I thought. I thought like somebody, you know.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right, 13, he's a kid fresh.

[H. Foley]

From like an Oreo Speedwagon concert or something.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Okay, kid, just roll with the changes. I'm like, stop speaking in lyrics, you creep.

[H. Foley]

And what, speaking of, what was your first concert growing up?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Oh, my first. Well, there's your first concert and then here's your first, like real concert was a Christian two man band called Lost and Found. There were like 70 of us in like a thousand seat theater watching them. But I actually loved them and they were great. But my first concert where it's like you might have heard of the band was I think I went to a Sister Hazel concert. Sister Hazel sticks and Weird Al Yankovic all in like within a two year span. That was a big deal.

[H. Foley]

Great run.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's not bad.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

The decent run.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

For a 13 year old.

[H. Foley]

13. Well, I was. I think we're the same age. When Weird Al hit. That was.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I mean, sorry my aggressive ex military dad didn't take me to see Pantera. I didn't get to go to that one.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sister Hazel. Finally I figured out. And it took a long, long time.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Right.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's their.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Don't pretend like you're trying to think of it. You know damn well that's what it is. I see you wonder if we've sang.

[H. Foley]

That song together in the car.

[Kevin Ryan]

What was your first car? What was your first whip that you got?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

My first whip was a blue. A blue Crown Victoria from 1989. It was like a.

[H. Foley]

Doing a Crown Vic did it.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Steering column did it.

[H. Foley]

What did it have the light out the window? A lot of those old Crown Vics have like the spotlight.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I don't think that one did, but it was probably broken off or something. It was. The car was in rough shape, but a member of our congregation at the time gave it to me for free. And it was the sweetest gesture, but. But I didn't. I didn't drive much. Still don't.

[Kevin Ryan]

Why.

[H. Foley]

Why didn't you drive? But just. You're not. It's not.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I don't have a driver's license.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wait, you got the car without a license?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Well, I, I had. I've had my permit like 45 times, but I don't actually have a driver's license.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wait, you don't have a driver's license right now?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

To this day.

[H. Foley]

Holy. I've never met him. He's got his learners.

[Kevin Ryan]

What?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I know, I'm just. I don't like trying.

[Kevin Ryan]

When you were coming up, I was.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

In a really bad car accident when we were kids. We were in Benton Harbor, Michigan.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

You know those yellow. Those trucks that say yellow, but they're actually an orange emblem?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah, we got hit by one of Those sons of 18 wheeler going 80, 90 miles an hour. Hit us from behind our van, flipped over like three times.

[H. Foley]

Jesus.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Hopefully brought out body bags. They thought we were dead. And we all survived it.

[H. Foley]

I wouldn't try these.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah, so that combined with getting chewed. Also my dad's a historically bad driver. So. Like something about my dad not being a great driver, us getting hit by a car and me failing my first time. I took the test at 16, 17. Some. Some cocktail that made me go, no.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, you're shell shocked.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

But now I'm really like, I love driving now. Like, I want to get my license. I Intend to get it this year for the first time.

[Kevin Ryan]

But are you driving now with your permit?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

You gotta have somebody in the car with you.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah, you do. And it can't be like a five year old. It's gotta be like a real.

[H. Foley]

It's gotta be an adult.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Gotta be a grown up. You know, maybe you'll get away with a blow up doll or you know, as Kevin McAllister had that cardboard cut out of Michael Jordan. Maybe I get away with it.

[H. Foley]

Is you and MJ going? Going to.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's got his permit.

[H. Foley]

That's all right. Awesome.

[Kevin Ryan]

Dude, that's a home run.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

It's probably garbage points.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Dude. What was the pet situation growing up?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I love that you said pet situation. Situation is we couldn't keep one because we all got tired of cleaning up and getting bit. Which also calls to mind a couple ex wives tired of getting bitten because no, we. We had a lot of dogs. A lot of them had to go bye bye because not bye bye. Like we shot him in the backyard. I mean like we'd give them to someone. But we did have one really great dog named Ruby. And Ruby was a black lab.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

We got it after the car accident as if to like. Like a therapy dog.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

And that was great that. That lasted a while.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay. All right.

[H. Foley]

What was the grocery store growing up? Where'd you. Where'd your.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Kroger, also known as Kessels in our hometown. This place called Meyer and Meyer was like a bigger Kroger. Gotcha. But yeah, nothing, you know, nothing fancy. They weren't making sushi at the deli line. They were. These guys were handing you fritters and, you know, meat that looked like scrap metal.

[Kevin Ryan]

Humble beginnings. I like it. Is it ground beef or hamburger meat?

[H. Foley]

What do you refer to it as?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Oh, ground beef.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Gentlemen.

[H. Foley]

And you may not have been. It might, you know, Were you.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Gentlemen is so funny.

[Kevin Ryan]

Ground beef man.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

So funny.

[H. Foley]

Gentlemen from Saginaw. Did you lean to? Were you growing up? Are you guys more of a Pizza Hut family or a Domino's household or Little Caesar or any way. Did you have an opinion on it?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah. It's really none of your business. It's really nice political on them.

[H. Foley]

My bad. He was talking about Dan Quayle.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I figured we were. No, we were Domino's growing up. And then we fell off a Domino's before they made their public apology. That last. That apology tour lasted a good four years.

[H. Foley]

Gotcha.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Where they're like, we're sorry. We suck.

[H. Foley]

That was wild. But I respect it. Oh, hey, we fucked up. We're getting back to it today.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Their market evaluation is astronomical because of it. That was the turning point as the apology tour.

[H. Foley]

I don't know. I can't get a read.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

You can learn something from Domino's. Read on.

[H. Foley]

This guy just dropped market cap on me.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

But, but, but, yeah, Domino's, though. We started Domino's. Then I got really into Little Caesars because it was cheap and it was trash. And I was like, I got it the best. Five dollar pizza. Pizza hot and ready.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah. That changed my veins. That's how I became over. I, I, My highest, I hit 333 pounds. Wow. Rest assured, that was a lot of Heineken and Little Caesars. But now, to this day, now, Heineken's classy. Now I am very much a Domino's guy. Again, I've gone back to.

[H. Foley]

I'm the same way. I'm very much the same way. They, they are eons above Pizza Hut at the moment.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Pizza Hut went downhill when they got rid of their buffets.

[H. Foley]

Not lying, man.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah. But they do have Mountain Dew, God bless them.

[H. Foley]

And they, those buffets are coming.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Birds are.

[H. Foley]

They're making, they're making a push because, like, you know, so many things are going retro and stuff like that. And they're up. They're popping up more and more.

[Kevin Ryan]

Was there a frozen pizza that you preferred at the house?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Wow.

[Kevin Ryan]

And was that something in the house?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I had a family that I was very close with, and I'm, to this day, they're called the Hinses. And the Hinzes were obsessed with Jack's frozen pizza.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Jack's was cheap as hell. It was like 250. They had, like, five kids, you know?

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

They had to make a buck. You know, Stretch, I've never heard of Jack. Also, I was at their house.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, I know, Jax.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

So, yeah, Jack's pizza was the go to. But now that I'm like, Now that I'm a fancy adult and I got a little bit of kashish, I don't buy Jacks anymore. Now I'm more of, like, now.

[H. Foley]

Digiorno, man.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I'll go straight up. Digiorno with stuffed crust rising, gentlemen.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Very nice, huh?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Maybe a gluten free from, like, a Trader Joe's.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure. It's got some prosciutto and arugula, cauliflower, something like that.

[H. Foley]

Cauliflowers are, they're not bad. Flower pizza.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I have gout, so I can't eat cauliflower.

[Kevin Ryan]

No. Kidding. You have gout? Well, have you had it your whole life or did you develop?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I contracted it when I was 25, working at a bowling alley in my hometown.

[H. Foley]

Sound like you got stabbed with a needle or something. I contracted it.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Well, I did contract. It's a fucking disease. Give me a break, man.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's got gout. That's.

[H. Foley]

Can it go away?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I couldn't. I didn't know what it was, so I just couldn't walk. One day when I was leaving my bowling alley job at midnight, wanting to blow my brains out, I was walking back to my brother's house, which is like a quarter mile of away from the bowling alley. I just walked to work, and I had to walk back at midnight with gout, and I could barely move. I get there and I just got so stoned, and I was like, I'll just get really high, and that will make the gout go away. And it did for a time. Then I woke up and was in excruciating pain and found out I contracted this thing. And I've had it for 13 years. And with the weight loss and I'm now sober, it's easy to kind of control it. It doesn't flare up as much.

[Kevin Ryan]

Where did it settle in on you? Was it in your toe?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Toe, man.

[Kevin Ryan]

My. My cousin has it, and it has. In his toe.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

It's brutal. Can make a strong man cry.

[Kevin Ryan]

He said he came, put a sheet on his toe, he'd be in agonizing pain.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

My wife has seen me once in the last year, year and a half, cry hard from the pain of gout.

[Kevin Ryan]

Damn. Yikes.

[H. Foley]

That being said, bagel bites or pizza rolls?

[Kevin Ryan]

Did you have milk with dinner growing up? Were you a big milk family? Had to be.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

First off, I gotta answer the first question.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. I mean, you're blowing past pizza.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Pizza rolls, for sure. But I gotta be honest. I recently had pizza rolls in the last year.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Because now I only have them once or twice. And I'll be like, oh, this isn't. Thank God. I don't do this. It's disgusting.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, they're bad.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I pepper them with parmesan cheese. I dip them in ranch. They are still psychotically gross. They are disgusting. I swear against them. I also, by the way, Buffalo wild wings. Garbage wings.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Garbage. I don't think I've ever had them wings.

[H. Foley]

But that makes sense.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I don't do it anymore. By the way, if you're listening, please go on YouTube and look up. Wait, who's the head of the health department? Now. No, I don't know the. The Kennedy.

[H. Foley]

You're talking to the wrong RFK.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Look up Pizza Rolls RFK Jr you will find the funniest video of a guy doing RFK Jr. His voice and eating pizza rolls, pretending to hide them from his wife, Cheryl. That's the funniest thing I've ever seen. Were we a milk family? You bet you're, sweet ass. Yeah, we drank a lot of milk, and my mom got us into skim milk. And I hated skim milk. It tasted like water. And eventually, that same family, the Hinses, who got me onto Jack's Pizza, they got me back on the real milk.

[H. Foley]

That sounds like a good family.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Come drink this dirty milk and eat our dirty pizza with us. And I was like, hell, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Would you have milk with Italian food? Like, do you like milk with spaghetti?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I would have milk with meatloaf Italian.

[Kevin Ryan]

This guy's ice guy's all right. He's all right. He's all right.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I don't know what the Glass. Glass of cold milk with a hot meal.

[H. Foley]

So, yeah, I mean, that was like, one of the first AYG questions. That's pure trash. Now, will you like it is. Will you tchotchke up a frozen pizza? Will you put your own toppings on and then put it in? Or do you just go.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

It depends on the pie. If it's really bland. If it's really bland. Yeah. I'm busting out the shredded Sargento. I'm busting out the red pepper flakes. I'm busting out maybe some garlic powder or garlic salt.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sargento, huh?

[H. Foley]

Extra cheese. It.

[Kevin Ryan]

I do got money. I like Sargento.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Life has been good.

[H. Foley]

I got 4.99 for cheese, baby.

[Kevin Ryan]

What was the mayo growing up? Was it Hellman's? Was it Miracle Whip?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

See, once again, my dad. My dad was. My dad was pro Miracle Whip. We would have Miracle Whip on our fish sticks and our sandwiches. The hinges turned me on. They were always there to pick up the pieces.

[H. Foley]

Man, talk about lost and found. The hinges are the way I like it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Was the butter on the counter? Was it in the fridge?

[H. Foley]

Growing up, margarine family had the be.

[Kevin Ryan]

You got country croc all over you.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

No, my dad would never allow it, I guess.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, we were.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

We were. We were butter and it was on the counter to. To get soft.

[Kevin Ryan]

I love it.

[H. Foley]

Respect it. You said you worked at a bowling alley. That's. Let's sus. That's. That ain't great unless you owned it. That's a That's a tough.

[Kevin Ryan]

What was your role there?

[H. Foley]

Yeah, what were you.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I think even if your family owns a bowling alley, you're still garbage. You're at least wealthier. Garbage.

[Kevin Ryan]

Garbage, sure.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah, yeah, that's like. Yeah. Sorry, what was the question?

[H. Foley]

What was the whole role? Jack of all trades maybe?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

No, I, I, I was basically barred from the bowling alley. They, they kept me in the arcade room where snot nose brats would be like. That prize didn't come out. I would have to grab the key and, you know, mess up the tickets and everything. My toes killing me. Kid, shut up. We also had like a game.

[H. Foley]

I got three plays this week.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

We had a giant.

[H. Foley]

You think I need this? I gotta walk to my brother. I still got my learner's permit.

[Kevin Ryan]

You ever heard of key appeal? Huh, punk? Get your own spider ring. I got the gap.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I almost, I almost blacked out just now from laughing.

[H. Foley]

He needs carbs, this guy.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Oh, my God, that was so fun. Oh, man, I just want to be on this show so I could hear you guys talk for an hour. Made the biggest fan. I'm gonna tell everyone to do this show.

[H. Foley]

Thank you, thank you.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Oh my God. No, we, I worked in the arcade and there was a gang like turf brawl one time. All these teenagers were fighting and they broke the glass and shattered all the glass where the prizes were and everything. It was terrifying. We had cops who worked security, off duty cops.

[H. Foley]

So you were in the arcade.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

It was a bad scene.

[H. Foley]

He just looked me dead in the eye like he was talking about Vietnam. It was a bad scene, man. You don't know. You don't know what I was.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

My Vietnamese.

[H. Foley]

Okay. Have you ever owned, were you a bowler at all? Was that a record? Did you ever own your own bowling balls?

[Kevin Ryan]

Did you throw rocks?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Never owned my own bowling ball. My brother was a fantastic bowler to this day. Still is. Has bowled like a 300 and all that crap, but. Oh, you know who's famous from Saginaw is that bowler Pete Weber.

[H. Foley]

Who do you think you are? I am.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I forget his name, but that's the bowler. Can you Google bowler? Saginaw. Famous bowler, Saginaw, Michigan. I think his name is Tom Smallwood.

[H. Foley]

Oh, that's a good bowler name.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

That's a gray bowler name. Not a great human name. But yeah, he, he, Tom Small was a big deal from our town. So my brother got really into bowling. I sucked. My brother always tried to teach me bowling. He's like, you know, just throw it straight like you're throwing a glass of water over your shoulder. You're just holding it like that. I was like, I. I can't do it. I can't do it. I never thought of that. I kept crossing my body.

[H. Foley]

I cross. You don't cross. You go back.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

That's why you get a gutter.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

The collective you. I don't mean you, Kevin.

[H. Foley]

I felt that. I felt like I got very personal.

[Kevin Ryan]

Gutterball Ryan over here.

[H. Foley]

Who was.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I thought you were Kevin. Are you Ryan?

[H. Foley]

No, it's Kevin. Ryan?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah. You're Kevin. You're Henry. Yeah, he's Ryan.

[H. Foley]

No, the other guys are.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

The other guy's Ryan. You're.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's Tommy Smallwood. What are you talking about?

[H. Foley]

Junior the Third.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I apologize.

[H. Foley]

No, that's Luke. That's new guy Luke. Luke. What. Who was the. Who was the most famous person you met prior to getting on. On the MOV set? And it does. It could have been, like, a local celebrity. It could have been, like, the radio guy, you know, who was the first kind of famous character that you've met?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

There were some people that came in and out of our town. Like, that just sounds so sketchy. Sounds like Christopher Lloyd and Dennis the Menace came in and out of our town.

[H. Foley]

And eight apples lifted purses from the playground.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

So funny. I. I met, like, Gordie Howe.

[H. Foley]

Whoa.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's pretty good.

[H. Foley]

That's a good one.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I met. I think I, like, slapped hands with, like, Booker T. When I was at a wrestling show.

[H. Foley]

That's great.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Buff Bagwell. There were a couple little moments like that, but. But when I went to New York, I went and saw theater. That was like. Our family was very pro, like, Broadway. So when I was in la, I would always go to shows. My parents took me to Les Mis. It was one of the splashiest, more expensive things our family ever got to do, you know, when I was a kid and one year I took spring break when I was 18 years old in New York City. Stayed with my siblings who were going to school in White Plains. And I met Jeff Goldblum and Billy Crudup and Matt Dillon. There were, like, people I just run into in the city, or we would go see their shows and, you know, wait in line afterwards to get an autograph. Throw it over.

[Kevin Ryan]

Very good.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah. Cool.

[H. Foley]

It's a good lineup.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's pretty good.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I remember I asked Jeff Goldblum for acting advice, and he goes, yeah, just act. You know, act every day. And I was like, I don't. I don't know if that's real advice.

[H. Foley]

Thanks. Man, I got.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I got. He had two, like, attractive women shouting his name.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I'll never forget. He was signing autographs, like, VHS tapes of Powder. And. And. And he looked up and he goes, oh, I am getting lucky tonight. He said something like that, like, in front of us. And I was like, what?

[Kevin Ryan]

That's awesome.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

It's like a.

[H. Foley]

Like, why?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

It's also like an Entourage moment.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, it is. Like, why do you need to know that? Like, that could have just been a thought. I gotta beat the bowling alley by five, buddy. Hurry it up.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I got three plays this week. That killed me. All right, well, I really. I need to take this quiz. Keep going.

[H. Foley]

Sure. Have you ever skied in jeans? I'm sorry.

[Kevin Ryan]

No.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Never skied, period.

[H. Foley]

That's okay. That's not great.

[Kevin Ryan]

When'd you get your passport?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

You know, Sonny Bono died from skiing. Some of us have abstained. First time I got my passport was when I booked a pilot in Vancouver, Canada. That was fall of 2016.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay, that's good.

[H. Foley]

That's so. Wow. That's older.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. That's all right.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah, I was. I mean, that would have been mid-20s. I would have been late 20s, 29, 30.

[H. Foley]

Growing up. Would you call the remote? Was it the remote or the clicker.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Or the channel changer?

[H. Foley]

Is that where you really.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

No, no, I called it the remote.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Channel changer. Yikes. Do you own any turquoise jewelry?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Clicker is very Philly.

[Kevin Ryan]

Very.

[H. Foley]

Click it, click it, click it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Turquoise jewelry. Own any?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

No, I.

[Kevin Ryan]

Take it easy.

[H. Foley]

I like the attitude.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Growing up, who said I knew?

[H. Foley]

It's all defensive. Did you have any answer uncles you didn't refer to by their real name? Such as, like, you know, an Aunt Tooty and Aunt Soupy. An uncle. You know, railroad or something?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Uncle Track. No, we were. We were just people.

[H. Foley]

Okay, fair enough.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay, let's talk about now a little bit. Let's talk about what's going on now. You pee in the shower?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Not regularly.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay. You brush your teeth in there?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

No, not anymore.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay. You flossing every day?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I do. I love flossing, actually. I, like, grew to like it now I love it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Good, good.

[H. Foley]

How many suits do you own? I would assume a good amount.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Got a few suits that I've purchased. Probably five suits that I own just from, like, having to do press and stuff and, like, eventually didn't pay for them. I probably own a total of 10 or 12 suits.

[H. Foley]

Pretty good.

[Kevin Ryan]

Couple of nice ones. I'd assume a couple are really nice. Yeah. Where are you living at?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Somewhere Too gaudy. And you can't wear them ever again. You're like, well, that was the night I went to the Craig's Choice Awards. Or.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Where am I living?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, where you at?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I'm in Atlanta, Georgia.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're in Atlanta, Georgia.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Been there for about six months and very nice. We're going for a third kid and we got pregnant. We were like, let's not keep spending this money in la and let's save a buck or two in Georgia. And also, I love that when you're on the road a lot, like I am, you. You want your wife to feel protected. She has way more family and friends.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

To come in and help out and be the community of support she needs while I'm gone.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay. Did you build this house?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

No, no, no.

[Kevin Ryan]

Was this your first big house purchase?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Didn't purchase it. We're renting to own because we didn't have enough we wanted. We didn't want to be cash poor after buying it.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

You know, so I'm still waiting for an accumulation of jobs. Like, I. I still have to pay really crazy, weird SAG dues where, like, twice a year, a percentage of what I make I have to give back to sag. And then I have an agent, manager, attorney, and business manager. Take percentage.

[H. Foley]

They all wet their beef.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I always give to church or some sort of charity, obviously. And then. And then I also. Taxes. I always forget about taxes.

[H. Foley]

You and me both, sister.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I mean, I'm up to date on them, thank God, but I just mean I'm not in a Wesley Snipes scenario, but I'm like. I'm very much like. I forget how costly everything is.

[H. Foley]

Sure, That's. You are not lying.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

So. I'm not. I'm not poor, but I don't have a ton of savings either.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay, you're renting to own. All right. Okay. All right.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Shared way too much.

[Kevin Ryan]

I love it. That's awesome.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I felt the. You know what? I thought you guys were gonna say I was garbage for renting to own.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, you are.

[H. Foley]

Oh, no, for sure.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I felt I needed to explain myself.

[H. Foley]

No, for sure. Yeah, no, that's. That is the tr.

[Kevin Ryan]

I assumed you were loaded. It's all that Sargento.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

You young and dumb and full of debt. Sargento is why we're poor.

[H. Foley]

Back to Jax's Pizza or whatever.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Is this actually from Vermont? What's happening?

[H. Foley]

Oh, how do you feel about the rotisserie chicken? You said you're. You're off the carbs.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Pro rotisserie, but only from A place like, like Whole Foods. I don't go. Like you're not going to go to a Fons or something and buy a lower end?

[H. Foley]

Okay, four dollar.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

That bird. The bird is not the word if you're getting it from, from that place.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Was there a, was there a first big check that you got? Do you remember your first big check?

[H. Foley]

And it didn't. I mean it could have been a lot. It could have been $4,000 at a time when you didn't have the money.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah, I guess in that regard my first big check was. Was, well, it was the first movie I did. I made like 10 grand from Virginia.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Like four weeks and I suddenly overnight like had more money than I ever seen my life.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

Did you make any silly purchases when you got that cash or. You sharp.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah. How about eating out every day for a year and a half?

[Kevin Ryan]

Those little secrets Caesars add up, huh?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I wish it was Little Caesars. I would have stayed in LA longer. First time.

[H. Foley]

Are you a bit of a foodie? Do you like going to like a.

[Kevin Ryan]

Nice place you like a nice dinner.

[H. Foley]

Or are you still just doing like middle of the road type stuff?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

A little of both. I mean, I'm, I'm, you know, I love a hot dog at a sporting event, but I also, you know, legitimately love going to a fine dining restaurant somewhere. You know, I've been to one Michelin restaurant in my life. I took my parents, my buddy Peter Hins from the Hins family.

[H. Foley]

Shout out to Hinzes.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Shout out to Hinses.

[Kevin Ryan]

Still boys with them.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I took them. Yeah, yeah, it's awesome.

[H. Foley]

Dude, you meet a guy like that who pulls you into the good life. You don't, you don't.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah. No. Peter's one of the funniest humans alive. I moved to LA with him and he since moved back, but I, I took them to Providence's seafood place in la. Okay. Michelin starred. And I think I. Man, it must have ran me like 3,000 for the four of us. But it was one of the top two, three best meals I've ever had in my life. It was insane. No, no, that's not true. Top five. Top five. That's me wanting to say top because.

[H. Foley]

You spent so much money. All right, well, since you see, you can move it three to five. What are the top five?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Oh, God. There's a place in Austin, Texas, and I don't remember the name, but we were treated there by Apple TV when we were evading a hurricane incoming to New Orleans while shooting Blackbird. Me and Taryn and some of the cast and crew got flown on a private jet to Austin, Texas to avoid the hurricane. And we got taken out to dinner one night at this Japanese restaurant. And I purposely. I knew we weren't gonna have to pay for it. And I purposely racked up third bag move.

[H. Foley]

Respect it.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I purposely racked up like. They were literally like, can you bring the check? And I was like, also bring that.

[H. Foley]

Snow to go wrap up doing them lobsters.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I was like, you forgot my snow crab, you son of a.

[Kevin Ryan]

Keep the uni coming.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah, I had. That was probably number one. That was the greatest meal of my life.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

And I forget the name. I got to look it up also. Just like, dude. Just like. There's something about a good smash burger.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I had a great smash burger in Chicago at a diner that's no longer there, but I think it was in Des Plains or Oak Park. And it was, it was called the Harlow Grill. And we would go there late at night. Me, Peter Hins, James Morgan, my buddy who's now a professional driver in Chicago and owns a boat service. That guy. We would go together and we would eat. We would just sit around this diner. There's nobody there. It looked like a movie set or something like this old school diner. And eat the best Smashburger you've ever had.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right.

[H. Foley]

Love it.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's all right.

[H. Foley]

Are you a bite and sip guy? Will you take a bite of the burger then a sip of diet coke or whatever you're drinking or.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

No, I think I'm a bite and sip because there's almost something Pavlovian to wanting it to go down in a. In a comfortable manner down the throat.

[Kevin Ryan]

He gets it.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Also, I love pairing, right? Like when I did, I. I'm sober, but when I drank red wine, I used to man pairing a good cabernet with a pasta or so good. Or cheese. Yeah, anything so good or a good steak. It was so fun.

[Kevin Ryan]

They say it in rat tattooie. Like when. When they combine in your mouth, it becomes something else.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Wonderful movie, by the way. I love that. I. I love. To this day I still drink non alcoholic beer. So if I have like a good burger or a good slice of pizza with an NA beer, it still feels like I'm having the same experience. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

How do you get your steak cooked?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Oh, man. So many times when I go out to eat, I. I do the thing where we family style it not to where anyone's detriment to, but to usually where you get to Thrice. You get to try three meals, and you still have leftovers. So I. I order a lot of food whenever I'm with people, so I have to be conscious of how I order the steak to try to please everybody. But my personal steak is like a medium rare to a medium with Pittsburgh style grill on the outside. If I can char it a little bit and get it crispier on the outside.

[Kevin Ryan]

Best possible answer you could have given. Thank God.

[H. Foley]

Live to fight another day.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay. You like a deviled egg?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Love a deviled egg, by the way. I didn't even need a deviled egg until. The first time I had a deviled egg was at Park City at Sundance Film Festival at the High West Whiskey restaurant. And I had a. For the first time in my life, and it was so damn good, I thought, what have I been missing out on? I always usurped them or, you know, averted them because they looked weird at family gatherings. You'd see them in picnics. God, they're good. They're so versatile, too. You can put anything on them.

[Kevin Ryan]

Will you dance at a wedding?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Well, I. I'm the reason people dance.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay. All right.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I get the people going.

[H. Foley]

Get the people going, huh?

[Kevin Ryan]

Let's say if you had a wedding coming up. All right. Very close friend of the family, by the way.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I don't dance at a wedding. I dance at a wedding reception. Dancing in a wedding would be very weird.

[Kevin Ryan]

Get him out of here.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Trying to make it about himself again.

[H. Foley]

We get it.

[Kevin Ryan]

He objects doing the worm down the aisle.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Sorry. We miss super troopers, too, you asshat.

[Kevin Ryan]

Gift at a wedding. Cash. You cash, man. You give cash.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

My wife's a gift thing, but I think cash is king for most gifts.

[Kevin Ryan]

What are we talking about here? Close friend.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

A close friend? I mean, it depends on the friend. Yeah. I once gave my buddy Caleb Wall, like, I just, like, Venmoed him a thousand bucks. He was like. He was having a drink, and he was. He was the groom, and he was talking about, like. He was talking about, like, man, I really want a computer that I can just take apart. And I. He was, like, talking about it passionately, but said he didn't have the money for it. And I was.

[H. Foley]

Hit him with.

[Kevin Ryan]

Great answer.

[H. Foley]

Love that.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

You're all right.

[H. Foley]

Via Venmo. Dirt bag. Good. His heart's in the right place. I mean, listen, we got to get him out of here in a minute. Have you ever owned a butterfly knife or a switchblade? Nunchucks?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

No, just a Swiss army knife.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

And I once Brought it to school to show a friend because I thought it was cool. And they freaked out and we're like, your kid can't bring a knife to school. I was like, I wasn't gonna use it. This was like 97 or something.

[Kevin Ryan]

Everybody play it cool. Do you know karate?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

Never went to Tiger Shulman's or anything like that.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Tiger Shulman's.

[Kevin Ryan]

God.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

The specificity here is just ripened. No, no, no. I. I know pro wrestling. I know ddts.

[Kevin Ryan]

Is there any fireworks in your home?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Currently, no.

[H. Foley]

You open your eyes underwater?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Not usually.

[H. Foley]

Okay. Ever pull a fire alarm?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

No, but I've thought about it.

[Kevin Ryan]

You got a Swiffer at the house?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

No, no, we got some. We got some more scaled up stuff.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay. What's the vacuum cleaner? You got Dyson. You got Dyson the house.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I don't know what it is, to be honest. I'm not sure. We have a. We just have a couple vacuums that are like. Well, I love the hand vacuum just because I have two kids. So. You know, you give them one cookie, it's in seven rooms. It helps to have that thing.

[Kevin Ryan]

You got a pool at the house?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

We do.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hot tub.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

You didn't. Dude, you're failing your own test here. You have to ask someone above or below?

[H. Foley]

I assumed guy like you. It's in ground, but is it a.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Boss with a hot tub? It's in ground, but you gotta ask the garbage question.

[Kevin Ryan]

Is the hot tub connected to it?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

We don't have a hot tub.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay, that's where I was going. If the hot tub's connected, I know it's an in ground pool.

[H. Foley]

No, if it's not connected. Oh, if it is.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

We also have a cold plunge and red light therapy.

[H. Foley]

Is it a real cold plunge or one you made? And if so. If so, what is that container you're getting?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

It's. It's from the brand plunge.

[Kevin Ryan]

Nice.

[H. Foley]

Very nice, kids.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Good.

[H. Foley]

Listen, he walks in both worlds.

[Kevin Ryan]

What are you sleeping in? Undies? Pajamas?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I vastly prefer just sleeping in a pair of boxers, but on occasion I will just. I'll have some like some jam. Jams. Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sleep in your socks.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Like. Like a pair of light sweatpants with a T shirt maybe.

[Kevin Ryan]

Very nice.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Never sleep in socks. That's a. No. No.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sleep on your side. Pillow between your legs, one under your head.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

No, I'm not a pregnant woman. I sleep on my stomach like most men that look like me.

[Kevin Ryan]

I thought we were gonna be friends.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Do I have. Probably Raleigh. Probably. I'm not taking the test.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, cpap.

[H. Foley]

Have you ever considered yourself good at laser tag?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

No, I was always bad at it. Okay. Really bummed me out.

[H. Foley]

I mean. Yeah, I don't know what to tell you.

[Kevin Ryan]

All the Emmys and Golden Globes in the world.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Decent at Putt Putt, though.

[H. Foley]

That Putt Putt is the trashier name to miniature golf.

[Kevin Ryan]

Very nice.

[H. Foley]

There.

[Kevin Ryan]

The kid's trash, but, man, what a home run. What an awesome dude.

[H. Foley]

Great.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Where am I on the scale? Is there enough?

[H. Foley]

You're up there. I mean, you're.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

You're bad.

[H. Foley]

You're Midwest trash, which is different than Northeast trash.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Like a 78 out of 100, probably.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Renting to own. I mean, you're. You're a proper movie star, and you're renting to own. You got the gout. All right? Remember the gout? You got the gout. The bowling alley.

[H. Foley]

Bowling alley. Learner's permit, Rent to owed.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

You got the gout.

[Kevin Ryan]

If it wasn't for your buddy Paul's family, you'd be.

[H. Foley]

You'd be in shambles.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Be screwed. Oh, man. Henry's hysterical. Kevin Ryan's not bad either. And Luke is nice to look at.

[H. Foley]

Soft on the eyes.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Don't get me started on the Ryan in the other room. I barely met gang.

[Kevin Ryan]

The movie is the Luckiest man in America. It's in theaters right now. It is absolutely fantastic. Buddy, we can't say this enough.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Congratulations.

[H. Foley]

It's awesome.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're killing it. It's awesome to see. You're fantastic in everything that you're in. Comedy, drama, everything you do. This movie is unbelievable. Everybody go see the Luckiest man in America. 100% garbage, Paul Walter Hauser.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Thank you, buddy. Appreciate you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Thank you, buddy. Kippy, what do you got for him?

[H. Foley]

Guys? The card game's still [e-mail] you can play with all your friends and family and stuff like that. They're moving, so get them soon. And we love you, Paul.

[Kevin Ryan]

We love you. Yeah, gang, we love you. And we'll see you next week.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Peace. Peace.