Ridin' Dirty w/ Mark Normand!

Summary

Podcast Summary: Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast – Episode: Ridin' Dirty w/ Mark Normand!

Release Date: April 10, 2025
Hosts: Kevin Ryan & Ted Soley
Guest: Mark Normand

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1. Introduction and Podcast Overview

In this episode of "Are You Garbage?," hosts Kevin Ryan and Ted Soley welcome their beloved guest, comedian Mark Normand. The show maintains its signature blend of trashy humor and candid conversations, aiming to determine whether guests—and by extension, the hosts themselves—are "Garbage" in the most entertaining way possible.

2. Guest Introduction: Mark Normand

Mark Normand joins Kevin and Ted fresh from a hectic weekend in Nashville. Despite being visibly tired, Mark brings his characteristic wit and charm to the table.

• Mark Normand: "Good to be back. I love it here. Sorry I'm a little banged up from the Nashville weekend, but we're having a good time." [02:31]

3. Conversation Highlights

a. All-Nighter and Hangover Tales

Mark opens up about the rigors of life on the road, recounting a grueling 24-hour stint without sleep.

• Mark Normand: "They got these after parties with the free drinks and they just keep coming... The whole thing. Diarrhea, puking, gay." [03:12]

Kevin and Ted humorously dissect the aftermath of such nights, emphasizing the chaos of returning home hungover with a newborn.

• Kevin Ryan: "You've been in one." [14:07]
• Mark Normand: "Hungover, no sleep. You know, the whole thing." [03:12]

b. Family Life and Parenting

Mark discusses the challenges of being a family man while juggling a demanding career. He shares humorous anecdotes about parenting, including the awkwardness of arriving home intoxicated.

• Mark Normand: "You gotta fake it. I'm at the airport, puking my guts out. I'm eating a sandwich, going, all right." [03:09]

Ted and Kevin explore the dynamics of maintaining a relationship and family life amidst the pressures of Mark's professional commitments.

c. Comedy Career Insights

The trio delves into Mark's experiences in the comedy world, highlighting his upcoming projects and the realities of performing.

• Mark Normand: "Doing that, by the way." [15:03]
• Kevin Ryan: "We did a premiere page of stage of Village East Cinemas and you guys and Sal Volcano did a fun little joke writing session at the end." [15:30]

Mark reveals his ambitions to expand into producing, reflecting on the collaborative nature of comedy.

d. Anecdotes about Cars and Travel

Mark shares amusing stories related to his love for cars, including mishaps with luxury vehicles and the struggles of parking unique cars in New York.

• Mark Normand: "I got a nice garage at the Atlantic Terminal in Brooklyn. Right. A block away from my house. It got broken into the first week..." [16:08]

Kevin and Ted riff on Mark's experiences, touching on themes of car theft and the absurdities of urban living.

e. Listener Questions and Responses

Throughout the episode, listeners submit provocative questions starting with "Is it garbage if..." prompting humorous and candid responses from the hosts and Mark.

• Listener Question: "Is it garbage to say you work for a business instead of at a business to sound classier?" [24:00]

Mark and the hosts offer witty takes on everyday scenarios, reinforcing the show's playful critique of "garbage" behaviors.

4. Notable Quotes

• Mark Normand: "Hungover, no sleep. You know, the whole thing." [03:12]
• Kevin Ryan: "You’re a good thing you don’t have a waterbed, dude." [04:37]
• Ted Soley: "We could never figure out who the fuck was in here with the A marker like that." [26:29]
• Kevin Ryan: "You prefer burger? Randy Burger." [29:10]
• Mark Normand: "Yeah, I think it's a guy. Oh, I thought..." [11:15]
• Ted Soley: "You can't be doing that, Norman. You do it out of state if you want." [05:37]

These quotes encapsulate the playful and irreverent tone that defines the podcast, offering listeners a glimpse into the humorous banter between the hosts and their guest.

5. Conclusion and Upcoming Events

As the episode wraps up, Mark shares his upcoming travel plans and new projects, expressing excitement about performing across various cities and internationally.

• Mark Normand: "I'm going all over the limey foggy London town. I'm going to Belfast and Glasgow and all that and London and card and then I'm going to Australia later in the year." [61:19]

Kevin and Ted invite listeners to join them on their road trips, hinting at new shows and encouraging audience engagement through their website and social media channels.

• Ted Soley: "Watch Truth 66 on the YouTube page. Grab some cards of the new card games out. Yeah." [61:45]

6. Final Thoughts

"Are You Garbage? Ridin' Dirty with Mark Normand!" delivers a hearty mix of humor, personal stories, and insightful conversations. The candid interactions between Kevin, Ted, and Mark provide both laughs and relatable moments, all while maintaining the show's unique trashy charm. Whether you're a long-time listener or new to the podcast, this episode offers a comprehensive and entertaining glimpse into the lives of comedians navigating fame, family, and the occasional messy mishap.

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Note: This summary focuses on the main content and discussions of the episode, excluding advertisements, intros, and outros as per the guidelines.

Transcript

[Ted Soley]

Hey, gang, check out this short clip from the Route 66 tour on our YouTube page. I'm not even lying. I just shit my pants.

[Kevin Ryan]

What happened at the garage?

[Ted Soley]

Hey, how are you? You guys have a bathroom? You saw that, huh?

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm curious as to what. Do you want to get out in front of this thing?

[Ted Soley]

These are dangerous questions.

[Kevin Ryan]

Are those the shorts you were wearing?

[Ted Soley]

Unfortunately, they are.

[Kevin Ryan]

Dude, that's fucking disgusting.

[Ted Soley]

Hang on.

[Kevin Ryan]

Unless you were wearing plastic underwear, which.

[Mark Norman]

I do not think you.

[Ted Soley]

It didn't go through.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, dude, that's insane.

[Ted Soley]

I'm telling you, it did not get to the outer layer. What you may know is the upper atmosphere, it stayed within the molten core of the butt sheet. The underwear, on the other hand, didn't make it. Thank you. You're welcome. I appreciate your hospitality, of course.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, I've seen you go to.

[Mark Norman]

The bathroom a lot.

[Kevin Ryan]

I've never seen you walk out with ev.

[Ted Soley]

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are youe Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is. Are you Garbage?

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, yeah.

[Ted Soley]

It's that little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that at the. To be classy. But they're just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, Ted Soley. Coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in the new edition. She's down at the mall.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Ted Soley]

She's doing Easter Bunny this year. Yeah. Free picks if you want them. Said we come by. Fair enough. Mike Coase is coming at you from right next to me, unamused this week. He is the CEO of Ru Garbage. He is an international businessman. Not a fan of Easter, I guess. Give it up for KJ Kevin James Ryan.

[Mark Norman]

What up, gang?

[Kevin Ryan]

Shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in as always. Please make sure you rate View subscrib on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Also full video available on Spotify. Now over there doing big things. Patreon.com Are you garbage? Check it out.

[Ted Soley]

Yes, sir. We couldn't be more excited about our incredibly and I mean incredibly special guest. Back with us again today, the kids family at this. I know he's a family man. You know him. You love him. Give it up for Mr. Mark Norman, everybody. Look at him.

[Kevin Ryan]

There he is.

[Ted Soley]

Old papa.

[Mark Norman]

Good to be back. I love it here. Sorry I'm a little banged up from the. The Nashville weekend, but we're having a good time.

[Ted Soley]

When you say you did an all nighter, you were up 24 hours, didn't sleep.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, well, they. They got these after parties with the free drinks and they just keep coming. Then you see a guy who's at the show, he gives you a shot. Yeah. High five him.

[Ted Soley]

So what night is this?

[Mark Norman]

Theoretically, that was Saturday night.

[Ted Soley]

So it's Saturday night. So you don't sleep. Saturday, Sunday, what do you.

[Mark Norman]

I get up and go on a flight and go home. And then you got to go home and you're hug a baby and you gotta be. You gotta. You gotta fake it. I'm at the airport, puking my guts out. I'm eating a sandwich, going, all right.

[Kevin Ryan]

Come on, you're hungover.

[Ted Soley]

You're proper hungover.

[Mark Norman]

Hungover, no sleep. You know, the whole thing. Diarrhea, puking, gay.

[Ted Soley]

You can't walk in and be like, hey, I don't feel well, or something like that.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, you gotta be on, baby. It's battle stations when you get home. That's. That's the hard part about a kid.

[Ted Soley]

Hey, everybody who wants to laugh doing.

[Mark Norman]

Crowd work because you gotta think, she's been with the kid all weekend so she needs relief. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

And you come in, smell like a hooker or something.

[Mark Norman]

Exactly, exactly. Cigarettes, puking up cigar butts and semen. And she, she hands you the baby when you walk in, and you're like, who's this? You know, covered stains. It looks like Monica Leinsky. It's. It's tough.

[Ted Soley]

And then when did you get to sleep on Sunday night?

[Mark Norman]

Sunday night? Well, I, I said, you know what? I'm going to put the bed. Put the baby to bed early.

[Kevin Ryan]

You know, his baby seemed sick.

[Mark Norman]

Get some baby time.

[Ted Soley]

You're going around pulling the shades down.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, yeah. What's his name again? And yeah, so I went to bed at like, you know, 10:30. I watched White Lotus. I rubbed one out and that was it.

[Ted Soley]

Where do you rub one out?

[Mark Norman]

You know, the crib's here, I'm in the bed. We're good.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[Mark Norman]

The sound machine's on.

[Ted Soley]

Have you ever yanked it when you're in. When, when the miss is in bed with you?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, that's tough.

[Kevin Ryan]

Really.

[Mark Norman]

You got to not shake, you know, you got to keep it still. It's like I did a. What do you call it? A Posturepedic.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's a slow jerk.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Ted Soley]

Love to yourself.

[Kevin Ryan]

They dropped a bowling ball.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Standing there wailing on yourself.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, exactly.

[Ted Soley]

I've always wondered whatever would happen if I. Because I. That. That. That's my move. And if I ever got busted doing that.

[Mark Norman]

That's your move.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're a good thing you don't have a waterbed, dude.

[Ted Soley]

Oh God.

[Mark Norman]

That's Katrina all over again. That thing pops.

[Ted Soley]

Take it out the coast of J.

[Kevin Ryan]

All the water gets sucked out. Cat runs into the living room.

[Ted Soley]

I would assume that would be. Just knowing my wife. That would probably be like a. Like an emotional. That would be a bad.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, dude, you're both. You're both in bed and you're just fucking. Cause you do it odd too. I don't know. He plays the.

[Mark Norman]

The fiddle. Yeah, he's doing a money sign.

[Ted Soley]

Devil went down to Georgia looking for his shoulders.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, he just does like a little pinch and pinch and roll.

[Mark Norman]

Weird pinch and roll.

[Ted Soley]

Are you telling my move for?

[Mark Norman]

I've never heard of this.

[Ted Soley]

You can't be doing that, Norman. You do it out of state if you want.

[Mark Norman]

All right. The knuckle. I don't know.

[Kevin Ryan]

Find a good mechanic sometimes.

[Mark Norman]

I'll do the old back French grip. Yeah, right, right. The old Elliot page. Flip it around.

[Ted Soley]

You know, the old Mac and Row. I said, there's called the Andre Agassi in my house.

[Kevin Ryan]

It was a great comic. Instead of opened my comic. Forget who it was a great joke. You hear that, you never hear again. The guy was like, you know how some people. You sit on your hand, the stranger and jerk off? If you. It feels like someone else is jerking. I sit on my dick till it goes numb. Feels like I'm jerking off. A completely different guy.

[Ted Soley]

Stranger's great.

[Mark Norman]

Is that Nate Bargazi, I think. Ah.

[Ted Soley]

I mentioned. I mentioned Easter. I get excited for Easter.

[Mark Norman]

Yes.

[Kevin Ryan]

Any candy themed holiday he starts chubbing up for?

[Mark Norman]

To be fair, you're looking for candy on Tuesday. Just in the corner.

[Kevin Ryan]

Is it the end of Ramadan? Let me break this fast.

[Ted Soley]

I found out that they eat at night, man. That's easy. Dude, that's standing on my head. I thought they had to go 40 days with nothing.

[Kevin Ryan]

Who are they? Moses?

[Mark Norman]

Oh, is that right?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. No, they eat at night. They're just not allowed to eat during the day.

[Ted Soley]

Parties at night. The mosque down the street for me, it's like fucking Studio 54, Club Med.

[Mark Norman]

I didn't know that I was with you. I thought that's why they were so angry. No tits, no bacon.

[Ted Soley]

Get a beer bar or something. They do nice spread at night. Looks pretty good too.

[Mark Norman]

Wow.

[Ted Soley]

Little yogurt, little tzatziki sure.

[Mark Norman]

Hummus, pita, grape leaf.

[Ted Soley]

I'm in love, all that stuff.

[Kevin Ryan]

Are you doing anything for Easter with the ba. Now you're a family man. Goddamn Mark Norman family.

[Ted Soley]

The baby's what, he's not even a year, right?

[Kevin Ryan]

He's like a few months.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Ted Soley]

He don't know what's going on.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't know his birthday, but Eat his candy.

[Mark Norman]

I don't. I. You got to realize babies make holidays. Christmas with like eight old people is the saddest thing on the planet. Your grandmother, smoking, you know, you're hungover, you're like, what are we doing here? I got socks, you know, So a baby makes it. So Easter. I'm going out to Walmart. I'm getting the bunny, I'm getting the green fake bullshit grass basket.

[Kevin Ryan]

Couple of peeps.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, Cadbury's. I'm going all in.

[Ted Soley]

I like it. That's the way to go. You're going to start that trend. Was it like that when you were growing up? Did you guys go big on that stuff?

[Mark Norman]

We did, yeah. My parents, we did a crawf every Easter at the car.

[Kevin Ryan]

Just like Jesus would have wanted.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. The cousins ran around and we found those eggs.

[Ted Soley]

Don't have none of them Jews in there, I'll tell you that right now. Holy cow. Keep the shellfish. Keep them away. You do a crawfish. Boy, you seem like. What's the carport?

[Mark Norman]

Well, my grandparents had this big car.

[Ted Soley]

Oh, I got.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's a southern thing. Yeah, the car. Yeah, we don't really have them up here.

[Ted Soley]

It's a very trashy garage.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's to block it from the sun. I like the weather. Yeah, it's like the sun and the weather. Yeah, it's not. We don't really have them.

[Ted Soley]

Those things get hot as summer.

[Mark Norman]

They got tools down there. A sawhorse, a kegerator. Yeah, they were pretty. I mean, it's. It's open. There's no walls.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, it's just a big tent. Essentially.

[Mark Norman]

It's a tent. Yeah. Yeah. It's a mosque. It's a hillbilly mosque.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, that's very good.

[Ted Soley]

All right. I like it. You guys have any plans with the bag? You got to get the baby baptized or anything like that?

[Mark Norman]

We did the circumcision. That was hell in the hospital. I did it myself. It wasn't easy. Yeah, I just got a teeth in there.

[Kevin Ryan]

Say 50 bucks?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, like a Snickers. I just ripped it, but yeah. Yeah, that was tough. Cuz that. That fucking dong is all mangled for a while. But he looks good now. Good. Good piece.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's got a stink out of the piece.

[Mark Norman]

Proud of the piece. That's good. Ball bags. Even better.

[Kevin Ryan]

Good ball bag.

[Ted Soley]

Drum, I would assume.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, well, you get that. I bathe him every night in the hot tub. And that thing gets like an old.

[Kevin Ryan]

Taffy in the hot.

[Mark Norman]

Well, that's what I call it. It's a warm bath. I'm not fucking Matthew Perrying.

[Ted Soley]

This kid over here got him out the Jacuzzi.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. You know, that's a guy, by the way. Who? That's his name. John Jacuzzi.

[Ted Soley]

Get the fuck out.

[Mark Norman]

Pull that up.

[Kevin Ryan]

No shit.

[Mark Norman]

I might have the first name wrong.

[Kevin Ryan]

But that's Tony Jacuzzi.

[Mark Norman]

Just something like that.

[Ted Soley]

That's pretty cool.

[Kevin Ryan]

I think. I think I remember this now.

[Mark Norman]

That's what it's named after, that guy.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, but then you would bump into other Jacuzzis. I feel like somebody would. I would have went to. I would have went to school with the Jacuzzi.

[Mark Norman]

That's true.

[Kevin Ryan]

Now, there's too many Z's, too, in a last name.

[Mark Norman]

I'm telling you. I think it's a guy. Oh, I thought.

[Ted Soley]

I thought it was an Italian word for. For hot bath.

[Mark Norman]

No. Oh. The founder was Giocondo Jacuzzi.

[Ted Soley]

Giocondo.

[Kevin Ryan]

Huge ball bag.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Yeah. You know, he invented that just to get pussy 100%. I'm gonna make a big soup.

[Kevin Ryan]

None of these broads want to take.

[Mark Norman]

A bath with me.

[Ted Soley]

You put your butthole right next to the vent.

[Mark Norman]

It can also. It can also go Asian, too. Jacuzzi. It almost sounds like.

[Ted Soley]

Yeah, very good. That's not bad.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

They say before they stab themselves, right?

[Mark Norman]

Japanese.

[Kevin Ryan]

We had a Jacuzzi growing up. That was. We were. We were semi. Semi new money. My dad did well that. My parents built a house. And when we moved out of the city into the suburbs, I was very.

[Ted Soley]

Wait, you had a Jacuzzi at the house. At your mom's house?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Ted Soley]

No shit. When that get taken down?

[Kevin Ryan]

Last year.

[Ted Soley]

No kidding.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Ted Soley]

I mean, I remember seeing that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, we blew the motor out. So that was like. In her bathroom. In her bathroom there was a big Jacuzzi.

[Ted Soley]

Wait, in the tub?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, but it was big. I mean, it was like. It was big.

[Ted Soley]

I thought you meant outside.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, that. The Jacuzzi's inside.

[Ted Soley]

I seen the one in the bedroom.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, a hot tub's outside a Jacuzzi I thought was like a. Like in an indoor tub.

[Ted Soley]

No, that's interchangeable.

[Mark Norman]

It's like Bandit, right?

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't think so.

[Mark Norman]

It is a hot tub, though.

[Ted Soley]

Jacuzzi is a hot tub. Jacuzzi can be outside.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, Jacuzzi is the name brand.

[Mark Norman]

Jacuzzi's name brand.

[Ted Soley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do they also make outdoor ones? I'm not saying they die.

[Ted Soley]

You think Giacano, John Cuchuzzi's not fucking doing.

[Mark Norman]

Currently they do.

[Kevin Ryan]

Currently they do.

[Mark Norman]

I've never seen an indoor. I thought that was a whirlpool.

[Kevin Ryan]

Maybe it's a whirlpool. I don't know. We called it a Jacuzzi and either way, we'd have like 14 neighborhood kids in there wrestling and shit.

[Mark Norman]

It was.

[Kevin Ryan]

It was a seat. It wasn't as classy as it was supposed to.

[Ted Soley]

A whirlpool is when you have an above ground pool and everybody runs around.

[Mark Norman]

In a. Yeah, we used to do that. We throw ice cubes in it too. Let's get cold. We didn't have a lot of things but Jacuzzi. The only. The saddest thing about a Jacuzzi was when you let one just rot out for a while and you come over and it's just algae and mold and hops all.

[Kevin Ryan]

There's like leaves on top of the COVID and shit.

[Mark Norman]

Exactly. We used to have one in college. We bought me and like five guys rented this big house.

[Kevin Ryan]

Such a good idea. On paper for the first week, 100%.

[Mark Norman]

And we'd get, you know, hook up with girls in it. That was like a big selling point. Like, hey, I got a Jacuzzi at the house.

[Kevin Ryan]

Dude in college that's like, might as well be Hugh Hefner.

[Mark Norman]

Forget about it. So I'd bring girls over and it would be late at night. So you'd flop that big, big mat, you know, that big.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's like 800 pounds.

[Mark Norman]

Yes, yes.

[Ted Soley]

Spiders running everywhere.

[Mark Norman]

And the steam would come out and we'd hook up and all that. But then you look at that thing in the morning and you're like, thank God it was nighttime because this is like flint water.

[Kevin Ryan]

There's fish in there.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, it was brown.

[Ted Soley]

And roommates at the bott, like the.

[Mark Norman]

City of Atlantis down there.

[Ted Soley]

Who's paying Lenny's rent this month? He ain't gonna make it.

[Mark Norman]

I wonder if Jacuzzi was trying to hang out with Ferrari and Lamborghini. Like, hey, I'm one of you guys. They're like, get out of here.

[Kevin Ryan]

He was new money. New hooker money.

[Ted Soley]

Possibly Lamborghini. He got. He got elbowed by Ferrari. That's why he started the company.

[Mark Norman]

That's right.

[Ted Soley]

He's never threw his nose at him.

[Mark Norman]

He was a tractor guy.

[Ted Soley]

Tractor guy. He went and told Ferrari, hey, this is what you got to do. You got to do this. That the other thing. Ferrari was like, go back to the potato farm.

[Mark Norman]

Right, right.

[Ted Soley]

Built the Lamborghini. Sure. Thinking about getting one Jacuzzi.

[Mark Norman]

They still make Lamborghini. Ferrari's still cooking. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got in one and that thing is over.

[Ted Soley]

You got.

[Kevin Ryan]

You've been in one.

[Mark Norman]

My. I met a guy, I did his podcast in la, and he's like, I have a Lamborghini in the garage.

[Ted Soley]

Talking about Matt Farah.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ted Soley]

Shout out to him.

[Kevin Ryan]

Good buddy of ours.

[Mark Norman]

Great guy.

[Ted Soley]

Good buddy.

[Mark Norman]

Great dude.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sent us watches.

[Ted Soley]

Set his watches.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, Very nice guy. Was wearing it this weekend.

[Mark Norman]

Holy shit. I can get a watch, Matt, but.

[Kevin Ryan]

You gotta think of riding a fucking Ferrari.

[Mark Norman]

Well, now I'm gonna come clean. That Ferrari was a hunk of junk. That thing was rickety and rockety.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's pissed he didn't get the watch.

[Mark Norman]

I think that Ferrari started the fire. So the Lamborghini, I think he knocked it into a tree and it just lit up like a Pinto.

[Ted Soley]

Ah, that's all right. A lot of times those cars aren't that great, though. When you get in them, you're like, he's fucking uncomfortable. I couldn't fit in it.

[Mark Norman]

No, the console's this big.

[Ted Soley]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Squinched up. And the fucking. I don't get that wheel wells up your ass like a navigator. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Shout out to a navigator.

[Mark Norman]

Here. Here.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm a Chevy Lumina man myself.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, I like a Nissan Altima.

[Ted Soley]

All right, let's do some cues.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ted Soley]

Got Mr. Norman here.

[Kevin Ryan]

Let's get the business. As you. As you guys know, when you sign up on the old patreon over there. Www.patreon.com. are you garbage? You get to answer. You get to ask your garbage question with either. With sometimes a huge star, such. Mark Normand, everybody. He's looking behind. This guy's been in a Ferrari before.

[Ted Soley]

When does the next page, the stage, come out? Or is it already out?

[Kevin Ryan]

Which, by the way, was fantastic for.

[Mark Norman]

Doing that, by the way.

[Kevin Ryan]

I wanted to do that every. I got more work done that night than for the last six months.

[Mark Norman]

Well, your real comics, you had ideas. I've done those before where a guy's like, what's couch and the sofa? What's up with that? You know, you're like, come on, man.

[Ted Soley]

That'S actually pretty good.

[Mark Norman]

That's not bad.

[Kevin Ryan]

Make me do your leader.

[Mark Norman]

I was Gaffigan, but yeah. No, you guys killed it.

[Kevin Ryan]

We did it.

[Mark Norman]

We did a premiere page of stage of Village East Cinemas and you guys and Sal Volcano did a fun little joke writing session at the end. And that was a. That was a hot treat.

[Ted Soley]

It was a home run. Great job. On a sale was fantastic. Doing it. Look great.

[Mark Norman]

Killed it. Yeah. The next that's on Punch Up Live now. The next one I think is Michelle Wolf did one.

[Kevin Ryan]

So we're going to try to mix.

[Mark Norman]

It up and do other comics.

[Ted Soley]

Oh, there you go.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, that's great.

[Ted Soley]

Your producer hat on there.

[Mark Norman]

I'm trying, Trying to do a show. It's one of these shows that I'm like, how's this not around? It's. It's a. It's right there.

[Ted Soley]

The layup producer, Mark Norman. I like the sound of that.

[Mark Norman]

Trying, baby.

[Ted Soley]

Where do you park the Beamer, by the way? Do you have a garage at the house?

[Mark Norman]

I got a nice garage at the Atlantic Terminal in Brooklyn. Right. A block away from my house. It got broken into the first week and it's a fucking.

[Kevin Ryan]

In the garage.

[Mark Norman]

In the garage. And I asked the guy for the footage, he goes, oh, we don't do that. And I was like, all right, cool. And then the second way I got it fixed. It's hard to get a fucking 50 year old German window.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[Mark Norman]

I had to send it to Jersey and it tow it out. There was a nightmare. Got it back, got a boot on it. Jesus Christ.

[Ted Soley]

Is that the only car?

[Kevin Ryan]

That's insane. You don't have like a 20, 22 Toyota. I should do that for zipping around. You get them for like, it's like 80 bucks a month. You can get one.

[Ted Soley]

Really?

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, you can get a huge. Yeah, for sure.

[Ted Soley]

Sweet. Let's say it's.

[Kevin Ryan]

Let's get Norman a car. Let's buy Norman a car today. Yeah, we'll pay for it. It's a write off.

[Mark Norman]

You gotta house it. I know the thing.

[Ted Soley]

Let's say it's a Sunday. You get home, whatever. She's like, hey, I want to run to Target. I don't know. Fucking in Queens.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Ted Soley]

What are you doing?

[Mark Norman]

Uber.

[Ted Soley]

That's it?

[Mark Norman]

Well, yeah. You subway there, you Uber back.

[Ted Soley]

What if you gotta take the baby?

[Mark Norman]

You leave him in the car.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's gotta watch a car. I wanna get booted again.

[Ted Soley]

Have you been in a store or out in public with the baby?

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah, every day I do a big walk every day with the little guy.

[Ted Soley]

Okay.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. We bond.

[Ted Soley]

Grab a coffee.

[Mark Norman]

Coffee. I put one earbud with me, one earbud with him, and we're listening to the Katt Williams special.

[Ted Soley]

You don't put an earbud in him.

[Mark Norman]

No, no.

[Kevin Ryan]

That ears t. What the fuck, Kev?

[Ted Soley]

Let's talk about bilt.

[Kevin Ryan]

Shout out to BILT Rewards, baby.

[Ted Soley]

Attention, renters, baby. If you haven't heard of bilt, you're about to thank me. Earn your favorite airline miles and points through BILT just by paying your rent on time. Let me explain.

[Mark Norman]

Do it.

[Ted Soley]

Don't start freaking out on me. There's no cost to join and just by paying your rent to unlock flexible points that can be transferred to your favorite hotels, airlines, a future rent payment, or your next Lyft ride, and more.

[Kevin Ryan]

And even more. When you pay your rent through bilt, you unlock two powerful benefits. First, you earn one of the industry's most valuable points on rent every month. No matter where you live or who your landlord is, your rent now works for you. Second, you gain access to exclusive neighborhood benefits in your city. Neighborhood benefits are things like extra points on dining out, complimentary post workout shakes, free mats or towels at your favorite fitness studios. Unique experience that only Built members can access. And here is the turkey, baby. Start paying rent through BILT and take advantage of your neighborhood benefits by going to joinbuilt.com garbage that's join bilt. J o I n b I l t.com garbage. Make sure to use our URL so they know that the boy sent you. Joinbuilt.com garbage just sign up for Built today. Do it.

[Ted Soley]

Yeah, but talk about Mud water, baby.

[Kevin Ryan]

Shout out to that Mud Water.

[Ted Soley]

Let's talk about Mud Water, gang. Do you like your cup of Joe in the morning? Sure, we all do. But then by 3, 4 o'clock you think the goddamn feds are looking for.

[Kevin Ryan]

I got two words.

[Ted Soley]

Panic attack. Yeah, who needs that crap? Do yourself a favor, switch it up a little bit. All right, listen. Everybody loves their cup of joe in the morning, but the jitters in the afternoon is no good. No thanks. I'll tell you that right now. I'm switching to Mud Water because mud water is an absolute game changer. And it's not your average cup of joe. We're talking about a cozy little mix of cacao chai, turmeric and adaptogenic mushrooms. You didn't think I knew that, did you?

[Kevin Ryan]

I didn't.

[Ted Soley]

I know about lion's mane.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay, All Right.

[Ted Soley]

I know about focus. I know about brain fog. I want to be clear. I want to be thick and straight. And Mud Water absolutely helps you do it. It's smooth, it's steady, and honestly, it makes you feel good. Plus, it's ridiculously easy to make a little bit of hot water, little bit of hot milk. Bang. You're all set.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're ready to go out the door, baby. Every single ingredient in mud water. 100% USDA certified organic, non GMO, gluten free, vegan and kosher. They got everybody mazel. There's also zero sugar and no sweeteners added. Each ingredient in Mud Water serves a purpose with organic ingredients for a clean, natural boost. Mud Water smooth and earthy flavors provide a delicious and natural source of energy. Baby, here's the turkey ready to make the switch to cleaner energy. Head to mudwtr.com and grab your starter kit today. Right now, our listeners get an exclusive deal of up to 43% off your entire order, plus free shipping and a free rechargeable frother when you use the code garbage. I got frothers.

[Ted Soley]

No joke.

[Kevin Ryan]

That frothers. No joke. That's right. Up to 43% off with code garbage. @mudwtr.com after your purchase, they'll ask you how you found them. Let them know the boys sent you. Support the show and let them know we tell them garbage guys. What are you talking about? Keep your energy natural. Had a stroke. Keep your energy natural and refreshing all year long with mud water because life's too short for anything less than clean, delicious energy. Do it.

[Ted Soley]

That's right.

[Kevin Ryan]

What can you. What can we get Mr. Norman in today?

[Mark Norman]

He likes Nissan Altimas. I got a $10,000 murdered out Nissan Altima. 150amonth.

[Kevin Ryan]

150Amonth. The problem is, which we learned is you have to. You gotta. In New York, they get stolen, they get fucking fucked up. My car's been stolen. I had to go to a garage, but we bought a conversion van. We spent a lot of money on a convert. It's pretty fucking sick.

[Mark Norman]

Is that like an 18?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, but it's more. It is, but it's like carpeted. There's like executive seats in it. It's very. That's what we use. So we use it as like a tour bus.

[Mark Norman]

Got the captain chairs.

[Kevin Ryan]

They do big all leather, spin around to the back. The back goes into a bed. It's fucking sick.

[Ted Soley]

It's nice.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's very sick. But we bought it and it had five leaks in the roof. And so when it rains, water comes in.

[Mark Norman]

Sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

And then we. We found out there's nowhere to park it because it's too high to fit in any garage. So there's no. We got turned away from like 15 parking lots.

[Mark Norman]

What?

[Ted Soley]

You should get a nice minivan though, for the fam.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Ted Soley]

The wife doesn't have a car.

[Mark Norman]

No, she can't drive. She's a woman.

[Kevin Ryan]

But no Sharia law.

[Mark Norman]

She's actually a horrible driver. Like, no joke. She's really had a Jetta and she wrecked it like four times.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's a hot girl car. Yeah, that is a hot girl car.

[Mark Norman]

That's so true.

[Ted Soley]

Big time.

[Kevin Ryan]

And a Mitch of any Mitsu. Mitsubishi.

[Ted Soley]

Mitsubishi. Yeah, Mitsubishi. A Mitsubishi Eclipse.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, that was a hot car.

[Ted Soley]

That was like the stripper car.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Ted Soley]

Really?

[Kevin Ryan]

No, she had a green Eclipse.

[Ted Soley]

Good girl.

[Mark Norman]

She did well.

[Kevin Ryan]

Champagne coming to this date?

[Mark Norman]

Those poor older. Like, was she from the 90s? That was she from, you know, like. I don't want to say her age.

[Kevin Ryan]

But she's probably your age. Yeah, she's a couple years older than me.

[Ted Soley]

I know.

[Kevin Ryan]

She's probably 42.

[Mark Norman]

All right. Those gals, they. They missed the only fans train. Isn't that sad? I mean, I don't. You don't want your sister on only fans.

[Kevin Ryan]

But ye.

[Mark Norman]

If Greta Thunberg. If she has a hard week, she could just pop on there, clean up.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, they don't have to, you know, do. Yeah, it's true. They don't have to start responding to craigslist ads.

[Mark Norman]

Exactly.

[Ted Soley]

The hot chicks in College in the 90s were.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh yeah, man, that's old guy shit. They were hotted in.

[Ted Soley]

I remember getting. I remember getting the Sports Illustrated or no. Was it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Have you seen these broads recently? Have you been on Instagram? What are you talking about?

[Ted Soley]

No, but do you remember the.

[Kevin Ryan]

They're built different now.

[Mark Norman]

That's true.

[Ted Soley]

Was it Playboy that would go around and do the college.

[Mark Norman]

Yes. Oh, yeah. Even fucking Jenny from Forrest Gump got in one of those. Remember that? That was a scene.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, that's it.

[Ted Soley]

Oh yeah, that's right.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

She got in some trouble with her college sweat.

[Mark Norman]

Yes. That was the AIDS issue.

[Kevin Ryan]

But HIV monthly.

[Ted Soley]

Shout out to Jenny.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right. Let's get serious here for a sec. I remember cooking. My dad being like, what the hell is a Black Panther party? Like, easy.

[Mark Norman]

He's like, ask your mom.

[Ted Soley]

Goddamn jacuzzi. That's why they took it out.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wait, are we alluded to. My mom's the Entertainment at a black. At a Black Panther party.

[Ted Soley]

Exactly what we're doing.

[Kevin Ryan]

She listens to the show.

[Mark Norman]

Luckily it's not too deep.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Mark Norman]

All right. Sorry I cut you off. Yeah.

[Ted Soley]

No believe we were trashing your family.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure, man. Everybody's getting it. All right, let's see. This one's from Project Pat. $10, homie. Never had one read. Is it garbage to say you work for a business instead of at a business to sound classier? For example, I work for Exxon. When you actually work at Exxon.

[Mark Norman]

That's a good move.

[Kevin Ryan]

Good move. That's really fucking good.

[Mark Norman]

Because now we're picturing Enron or some shit.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like you're in the office, you're in a shirt and tie, yelling, there's a graph. Your. You know, you got more responsibility.

[Ted Soley]

Yeah. Also, I work with. I work with them instead of. I wear. He's my boss. I work with them.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, they're a client of mine.

[Ted Soley]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Client of mine. Get the out of here. Talking about.

[Kevin Ryan]

I remember one time I used to work at a law firm and we were on the. I was on the call. The. The partner was like. I was in his office and I was doing all the grunt work and then he was like, I'm here with my colleague Kevin on a conference. And I gotta tell you, I was. Dude, it was even like he was leaning back and he's. I'm here with my colleague. Kevin's on the call too.

[Mark Norman]

Wow, I've.

[Kevin Ryan]

Dude, you couldn't have told me while I'm in dirty underwear? I'm up so bad.

[Mark Norman]

Colleague is big.

[Ted Soley]

I would have asked for a raise. As soon as that phone we're gonna.

[Kevin Ryan]

Throw you on hold one quick for. For a minute.

[Mark Norman]

David.

[Ted Soley]

Goddamn partner, right? That's crazy. Clients good, associates good too.

[Kevin Ryan]

Associate of mine. That's not. That's like. That's down talking. Yeah, he's an associate of mine.

[Mark Norman]

That's like.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's all you buy coke from.

[Mark Norman]

Because I got an associate's degree. That's the shitty one. That's the two year one.

[Kevin Ryan]

This is a bachelor of mine.

[Ted Soley]

Do you have an associate's?

[Mark Norman]

I got. I got the bachelor online.

[Ted Soley]

There you go.

[Mark Norman]

Finished it later. Devry, baby.

[Kevin Ryan]

Phoenix. I think we played you.

[Ted Soley]

Did you ever graduate from the film school that you went to? Was it New York film school?

[Mark Norman]

I did, but you could do tears. I did the two year program.

[Ted Soley]

Okay.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. You could do the four. You could do it. Six. I did two. Got in, got out.

[Ted Soley]

Six. Sucker.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, man. All right, let's see. This might be this. This is from Slappy. $10. Discipline of Trash. Never had one on red. Ever wrote something on a bathroom stall? I feel like you could have. Like you could have been tagging up.

[Mark Norman]

Back in the day. That was the original Twitter. It was like, I fucked Susie. And then you put an arrow. You're actually gay for a good time. I mean, that was.

[Kevin Ryan]

You'll see that sometimes now. Like a CD dive bar. You'll be like, this guy sucks. No, you're an.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, I love that.

[Ted Soley]

I used to see it all the time when I was waiting tables and I could never figure out who the fuck was in here with the A marker like that. And they would like tag it up with like, bad. Like gang things.

[Mark Norman]

There's a lot.

[Ted Soley]

It's a bear burger. What the fuck? You're claiming your turf over here.

[Mark Norman]

Well, now you got the phone, so you're not even looking at the wall. Before, you had nothing to look at.

[Ted Soley]

I used to hate that shit. I hated that. And I also hated this is going back. But the kids at the arcade, they would take a lighter and they would burn the arcade machine.

[Mark Norman]

What?

[Ted Soley]

Just to get like a. Like a burn stre in it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, I remember.

[Ted Soley]

Fucking worst.

[Mark Norman]

I never saw that.

[Ted Soley]

Yeah, it's always when you knew you were in a bad spot.

[Mark Norman]

Right, Right.

[Kevin Ryan]

Part of them.

[Mark Norman]

I remember one time I was pissing at a urinal at Wan's Flying Burrito. I was shit faced. This must have been. Where's that at? It's in New Orleans. Okay. On Magazine Street. It must have been 2001. And I saw a guy wrote the hottest girl in the world, Some guy's tired of fucking her. And I was like. It was like fucking Confucius or some shit. I was. I don't know.

[Kevin Ryan]

I think he did say that.

[Ted Soley]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. I was 19. That blew my. Because I was like. I couldn't get laid. I was a nerd. I couldn't find pussy. And then that guy, like, made me feel a lot better.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[Ted Soley]

That there's an old street joke of a guy's trapped on a desert island with Cindy Crawford and they have sex for like two years. It's awesome. And then finally at like the end of two years, she's like, you know, we've done everything. What do you want me to do now? And he goes, hey, put this mustache on. She puts the mustache on. He goes, guess who I'm fucking.

[Mark Norman]

I never heard that one.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's pretty good. We saw Cindy Crawford.

[Ted Soley]

Go ahead, you guys use that. Oh, yeah, we saw.

[Kevin Ryan]

They ruined her dinner.

[Ted Soley]

Ruined her dinner.

[Kevin Ryan]

We ruined her dinner in la.

[Mark Norman]

Would fully eat it.

[Ted Soley]

Skinny broad. You're not gonna finish that?

[Mark Norman]

That breadstick's got my name on it. What happened? I mean, she was the one and.

[Kevin Ryan]

You know what's so funny? I'm such an idiot. And we had been drinking. We were like, day drinking. Then we went out to dinner. Luke's. Luke's a cool young guy. Picked a cool young spot where we.

[Ted Soley]

Had Frankie and Johnny's.

[Mark Norman]

Marvin's.

[Kevin Ryan]

Marvin's out there. And La La Land.

[Ted Soley]

Hollywood. Goddamn Hollywood.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hollywood.

[Mark Norman]

You gotta show face a little bit, you know, Tinseltown.

[Kevin Ryan]

And I was pretty up, and they were sitting right behind it. We were, like, bumping. And it was just a bad scene. Like, we were like, you know, was her.

[Ted Soley]

Her daughter, her husband and Austin Butler.

[Kevin Ryan]

So her husband also owns Casamigos.

[Mark Norman]

I did not know that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Her son. Her daughter is also a famous supermodel. Gerber.

[Mark Norman]

Pete Davidson. Yeah.

[Ted Soley]

Really?

[Mark Norman]

They were. They had a little fling.

[Ted Soley]

Man, I love them.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah. I want to smell that hog.

[Ted Soley]

I love them.

[Kevin Ryan]

It does.

[Mark Norman]

All right.

[Ted Soley]

Yeah, I gotta. I got a thing with Gerber, too.

[Mark Norman]

He's hot.

[Kevin Ryan]

He doesn't like him. Oh, this is just my. This is my room. We might not be able to get a table at Marvin's ever again. You start talking.

[Mark Norman]

What's wrong? You.

[Kevin Ryan]

You prefer burger? Randy Burger.

[Mark Norman]

Wait, what's up with you and Gerber?

[Ted Soley]

Nothing. I don't even know the guy.

[Kevin Ryan]

He just doesn't like the advertisements. And he doesn't like that he's that close to George Clooney.

[Ted Soley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

He wants to be friends with Clooney.

[Mark Norman]

We all do.

[Ted Soley]

Because the Casamigos got started, they were so rich and so cool that it turns they. They bought vacation homes in Mexico. And they kept saying they couldn't find a smooth tequila in Mexico. What are we talking about? That's like not being able to find fucking coke in Colombia. What, are you lying? You got bad hookup.

[Mark Norman]

Is he the guy on the motorcycle?

[Kevin Ryan]

He's the other guy.

[Mark Norman]

I always wonder who that fuck that was.

[Ted Soley]

He's a huge restaurant tour. Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

He's a hunk, dude.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ted Soley]

He kicked the shit out of me, too. But they. They came up with Casamigos just for their friends.

[Mark Norman]

Wow.

[Kevin Ryan]

And we're friends.

[Ted Soley]

And then friends house.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ted Soley]

The story is that they made a big order, and the order was so big that they had to, like, get a license if they were making that big of an order in Bottles, like they ordered like a thousand bottles. So they were like, oh, let's just sell it to the public. It's fucking billion dollars. They sell.

[Mark Norman]

Sold it for a billion. I heard he gave 14 friends a million each. Yeah, that's not too shabby.

[Ted Soley]

Not too shabby.

[Mark Norman]

Wow.

[Ted Soley]

I'm getting ideas.

[Kevin Ryan]

What Giving out a million porosos, man. Gentlemen, we. But I saw Cindy. I walked back from the bathroom pretty up and like I see her and I literally in my head I went, that's a good looking older broad. That's all she read at one point. I was like in love with her. She was the hottest girl in the world. And that's how stupid I was. Like, that's a pretty good looking older broad. That's what she registered us. She's gorgeous.

[Mark Norman]

Still looking good. Hanging in there. Real good.

[Ted Soley]

Yeah. We ruined their day. Dinner. Laughing, talking.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

What other bottle of water? Just like, you know, it was a.

[Mark Norman]

I will say cosmico is not the best tequila.

[Ted Soley]

It's like a weird taste to it.

[Mark Norman]

Weird. It's got that vanilla taste and the.

[Ted Soley]

Hangover is brutal and everybody uses it. That's the. That's the go to now they got.

[Mark Norman]

In as the tequila.

[Ted Soley]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Somehow Crazy. Yeah.

[Ted Soley]

I think a don Julio for 1942.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm a bodega cat man myself. Just saying we got it on the shelf back there.

[Mark Norman]

He. Oh, you got the old bottle. That's a vintage.

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, give me a new one.

[Mark Norman]

Ship at it, fatty. I'll send it right over.

[Kevin Ryan]

Charge me for it. Oh, yeah.

[Mark Norman]

I thought that was understood.

[Kevin Ryan]

Shipping and handling. How you're gonna start?

[Ted Soley]

I gonna start the wholesale prices.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right, let's see here. This is from Ethan 10, contributor to the Big Man's 401K.

[Ted Soley]

Thank you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Never had one red. You guys ever have to throw. Throw drugs away at the airport?

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm not, I'm not a narcotics man, but I. I picture he. You don't throw out. You don't throw them away.

[Mark Norman]

Throwing away nothing.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, he rides dirty the butthole. What do you do? Will you throw it away or will you keep it?

[Mark Norman]

Or I up. I was hungover at a ton of.

[Kevin Ryan]

Shrooms as a comic. As a comic, you get handed stuff all the time.

[Mark Norman]

And I. I take it some guys, like, I'm gonna take a. From a stranger. I'm like, I'd prefer it from a stranger. Bring it off, put it right in my ass. And I had a bunch of shrooms in my bag and Adderall and some other stuff.

[Kevin Ryan]

Fucking Dr. Feelgood over here.

[Mark Norman]

And I forgot. And I just. You know, I was hungover. I just sent it through the belt and it went through. And I realized, like, two days later, I opened the bag, you know, I get some shit out of there, and I'm like, oh, my God. I had the shrooms. And then I never cared again once I got through. But what fucked me was the border, Canadian border.

[Kevin Ryan]

They got me.

[Ted Soley]

They got you?

[Mark Norman]

They got me on a weed dust stem seed from 1988 at a fucking rat concert.

[Ted Soley]

No shit.

[Mark Norman]

They found that shit. They found it with the dog. The dog got it.

[Ted Soley]

And what did they say?

[Mark Norman]

I had to, like, be detained for six hours. And they were like, it's so little. We'll let you go. I was doing just for laughs. But another crazy story. I had a bunch of weed gummies, a bunch of shrooms in my bag, and I did a gig in Buffalo. And I had a Buffalo, Friday, Montreal, Saturday. And this kid goes, I'll drive you up. It's like a two hour drive, flying, but you got to get rid of the drugs. And I said, no problem. So. Right.

[Kevin Ryan]

They didn't do that.

[Mark Norman]

Right before the border, we went to a guy's backyard and we made a little hole. We found like a secret area, and we buried all the drugs. And I go, let's come back tomorrow and we'll get them. And he goes, you got.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, this is my deal, Norman.

[Mark Norman]

So we go over the border. The kid opens for me. He bombs, I drive, he drops me off or whatever. I do the gig. And then he goes, I'm gonna fly back. And I. No, I'm gonna fly back. You. You drive back. And he went back and took all the drugs.

[Ted Soley]

There you go.

[Mark Norman]

So he got him. There you go.

[Ted Soley]

Shrooms, weed, whatever, coke. You're in trouble.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah. Don't be that guy.

[Ted Soley]

Be.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I had friends take coke to Colombia one time.

[Mark Norman]

What? Yeah, Sando, a beach.

[Kevin Ryan]

They land. And then he's like, yeah, but like, what if we couldn't get it in that first couple hours? I'm like, that's a pretty good irrespective. It's insane.

[Mark Norman]

But like, gaze to Fire Island. What are you doing?

[Kevin Ryan]

Got a gump.

[Mark Norman]

Correct. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, I guess it was if it was like, the numbers we got didn't. Whatever it was, he had the. You know, listen, everybody that was there was a. You fucking idiot. Then was like, all right, let's have some. Not me. I don't partake. I wasn't even there.

[Ted Soley]

They keep saying, Colombia is Gonna legalize cocaine a possession?

[Mark Norman]

It is.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're allowed to have like a certain. You know, like, it's decriminal. You're allowed to have like a gram on yours.

[Ted Soley]

I would love to just try it down.

[Mark Norman]

I know. It's so pure.

[Ted Soley]

Gotta be.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, let's go.

[Ted Soley]

It's got to be awesome.

[Mark Norman]

I know. I bet it is. You've never. You have. You probably had some good stuff.

[Ted Soley]

100%. But not fucking from the Garden of Eden.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's always eating with this guy. All right, let's see here. This is from Brian. Is it garbage if your go to pizza takeout place happens to be from the local laser tag place? Wow, that's. You're in a bad neighborhood if that's the case.

[Mark Norman]

Wow.

[Kevin Ryan]

Getting takeout from a fucking laser tag.

[Ted Soley]

Spot could be good, though.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, but if you're. If you're a laser tag guy at this age, you're just practicing shooting, you know, you're gonna go back to the hood.

[Ted Soley]

Isn't that coming back a little bit? Aren't laser tag places kind of popular now?

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't think so.

[Ted Soley]

Like, paintball. Was that right? I remember when laser tag first came out. Like, I remember the actual product laser. It sucked.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like the one you get at the house.

[Ted Soley]

And only rich kids had it. They all got it for Christmas one year. Fucking.

[Mark Norman]

It was janky. Because you go, I fucking hit you, man.

[Kevin Ryan]

It didn't light up if you were more than 8ft away or something.

[Ted Soley]

Yeah, it wasn't like commercial. The gun was cool as shit, though.

[Mark Norman]

That's true.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, we had a place, the Ultra Zone. I mean, you must have been like 8 years old is when it hit. And I was by the mall and I mean, it blew our. It was like you were in space. Yeah, it was like. It was a game master. And like, it was. It was awesome.

[Mark Norman]

And you got to see your score at the end. Remember that?

[Kevin Ryan]

I shot you 10 times, whatever it was. Yeah, that was like. That was it. You went as well. That was like my Vietnam.

[Ted Soley]

Or is this guy from this laser tag people pizza?

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't know.

[Ted Soley]

Check it out.

[Mark Norman]

See what's up.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're on Zillow. Looking probably good.

[Mark Norman]

So.

[Ted Soley]

Probably like bowling alley pizza.

[Kevin Ryan]

I do like bad pizza, so.

[Mark Norman]

Me too.

[Kevin Ryan]

You know, it could be love.

[Ted Soley]

Bad pizza.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah. Chuck E. Cheese. All that CC. You guys have CC's?

[Kevin Ryan]

I've had CC's once. I was real up at Penn State. That's the only time I've ever seen it, though.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, it's Good.

[Ted Soley]

Never been bucks.

[Mark Norman]

All you can eat.

[Ted Soley]

Never been to a CC's.

[Mark Norman]

There was all this pizza buffet and, like, a little salad thing that no one touched.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[Ted Soley]

They're also the inventor of the dessert pizza.

[Mark Norman]

That's right.

[Kevin Ryan]

Right.

[Mark Norman]

That's right.

[Ted Soley]

Everybody started copying it.

[Mark Norman]

That's your Elon Musk. That guy. You got a photo of him at the house, framed the churros pizza. This is. This is Giacono, Cece.

[Ted Soley]

He was a great man.

[Kevin Ryan]

Papa John's wouldn't let him change the recipe, so he said you and went out and started his own thing.

[Mark Norman]

You know who else is a real guy? Benny Hana. That's a real Asian dude.

[Ted Soley]

Of course. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's Steve Aoki's dad.

[Mark Norman]

That's right. That's right. Yes.

[Kevin Ryan]

But you vowed to, like, never. I don't know. Apparently he was a bit of an asshole.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, really?

[Kevin Ryan]

Beni Hanna was.

[Mark Norman]

I could see that.

[Ted Soley]

He got caught inside of trading, didn't he?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, he fucked up Wolf of Wall Street.

[Ted Soley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Essentially. Because at the end of it, I believe that's a true story. And he did go to jail or whatever. He got in trouble. At the end of it, he goes, I don't. I'm never going to a Benihana. I don't care whose birthday it is. Because think about when Benihana hit. If you were a rich guy in New York or la, that was probably the coolest fucking thing. They're flipping shrimp around and stuff.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Ted Soley]

I can't do it. I don't like eating around other people. A communal table's no good.

[Mark Norman]

I'm with you. I don't like sharing. I hate tapas. I hate family style because I just.

[Ted Soley]

Want it all family style. I like with people that I know.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Ted Soley]

But me and my wife walked out of a. I made her walk out of a Chinese place down in Chinatown. Because maybe it's Jung Le's or something like that. It's not O'Malley's, but I can't remember what the name of it was. Did we get in there and they're like, yeah, you're sitting here and it's like a long picnic table with, like, some family from Idaho. I was like that.

[Mark Norman]

I'm with you.

[Kevin Ryan]

You sit down the other side.

[Ted Soley]

Yeah. I'm not sitting around other people. Yeah, you have the whole thing. Yes.

[Kevin Ryan]

I hate that in New York. It's just so close. I went out to brunch yesterday with my wife, and it's like, you're just.

[Mark Norman]

I know.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm like, I'd rather sit outside and eat over a mailbox. This is like.

[Mark Norman]

Because you just.

[Kevin Ryan]

I can't talk. I can't. Like, I'm like. My wife would be like, ask me some, like, intimate. Not intimate, like something. I'm like, shut the fuck up.

[Ted Soley]

Put my business out there.

[Kevin Ryan]

Airing out my dirty laundry.

[Mark Norman]

We're comedians. We want to say fucked up shit.

[Kevin Ryan]

I know.

[Ted Soley]

My wife keeps doing the thing very loudly and this is my fault. This is my fault. I'm admitting this is my fault.

[Mark Norman]

Screaming when you jerk it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Playing the fiddle.

[Ted Soley]

We go in and it's like, are you going to be okay here? Are you gonna be all right? Are you gonna be comfortable here? Do you want us to move to the bigger table? Like, saying it loud.

[Mark Norman]

That's awkward.

[Ted Soley]

Fucking chicks in here. Tone it down.

[Mark Norman]

Wait, what are you, her dead nana? Like, you gonna be okay here, Grandpa?

[Ted Soley]

Well, she knows how fat I am. It's more of a comfortable.

[Kevin Ryan]

More of a seating situation.

[Mark Norman]

I see.

[Ted Soley]

I had. I had them do that to me at a sushi place two weekends ago where they moved me.

[Mark Norman]

Oh.

[Ted Soley]

They were like, don't you think you'd be more comfortable over there? Because, you know, you're kind of blocking the thing here for. For the. We don't want the servers bumping in.

[Kevin Ryan]

I got the fire marshall all over my back here. You're gonna have to eat in the basement.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Ted Soley]

They move me over to a corner table.

[Mark Norman]

I picture you walking. It's like Godzilla. They're all like. You're stepping on buildings and cars.

[Ted Soley]

The water's shaking in the glasses. Bastards. Gang. This show is sponsored by Liquid iv.

[Kevin Ryan]

Say it again.

[Ted Soley]

This show is sponsored by Liquid iv.

[Kevin Ryan]

One more time.

[Ted Soley]

This show is sponsored by Liquid iv. And so is every hangover I've ever had. Sure. In the last six, seven months, man, I tell you that. Last couple of years. What are we talking about? Goddamn OGs at this point. We love our Liquid IV over here, gang. We tow it all the time. Now, listen, is it great for working out? Yes. Does it hydrate you three times faster than water? Yes. But what are we really using it for? When you're hungover. When you're sicky. When you're sick. It used to be cranberry juice when you were at K. That's 1950s shit. I might as well be drinking that crap that they add up on the moon now. It's all about Liquid iv. When you're not feeling well, just put that in your YETI or whatever you got. Chugging that. How you doing? I like the golden cherry.

[Kevin Ryan]

I had some this weekend. That new berry flav. Dude, I'm telling you, one of them berries and a bacon, egg and cheese. I'm ready to fight my landlord. Get out of the way.

[Ted Soley]

I am starting to eat with it.

[Mark Norman]

That's bad.

[Ted Soley]

I like.

[Kevin Ryan]

Guys. Get ready for summer with extraordinary hydration from Liquid IV. Get 20% off your first order of Liquid IV when you go to LiquidIV.com. use the code garbage at checkout. You know it. That's 20% off your first order with code [e-mail]. what are we doing? Go get your Liquid IV. Stay hydrated.

[Mark Norman]

We love yous.

[Ted Soley]

Back to the show.

[Kevin Ryan]

Back to the show.

[Mark Norman]

This episode is brought to you by Lifelock. It's tax season and we're all a bit tired of numbers, but here's one you need to hear here. $16.5 billion. That's how much the IRS flagged for possible identity fraud last year. Now here's a good number. 100 million. That's how many data points Lifelock monitors every second. If your identity is stolen, they'll fix it. Guaranteed. Save up to 40% your first [e-mail]. podcast terms apply.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, that's. I just hate. I hate. I hate that shit. That's a tough one.

[Ted Soley]

Corporate steakhouse.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, do you have Benihana?

[Ted Soley]

Big seats.

[Mark Norman]

Big leather seats.

[Kevin Ryan]

Love that.

[Mark Norman]

Love it. The big red vinyl started by Rocky Aoki.

[Kevin Ryan]

Rocky.

[Mark Norman]

It's based off the his parents tea shop in Japan. Benihana. That's where the name comes from.

[Ted Soley]

Pretty good.

[Mark Norman]

Okay, so he's not a Benihana. No.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're what, you're one for two? He's about 50 on.

[Ted Soley]

You think the guy's name was Benny. Like his first name was Benny. His Last name was Hana.

[Mark Norman]

100.

[Ted Soley]

Oh, really? Really? Yeah, My last name was Beniana.

[Mark Norman]

Did get jammed up for Insider Trading, 1999.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, I don't do it. I gotta say. We were talking about resorts. I went to a resort with my family maybe like six months ago, and we went to the hibachi. Like there's like an Italian place, a steak place, a hibachi place. You go to each place each night and man the hibachi. This guy fucking killed it. And it's not for us.

[Mark Norman]

It's for show.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's for show. It's for kids, it's for grandparents. And I mean, like this guy fucking put on a goddamn show. Really, it was impressive.

[Ted Soley]

You grease them?

[Kevin Ryan]

They did, yeah.

[Mark Norman]

I was okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

My brother took care of It, I never cash on me. You know what I mean?

[Mark Norman]

You know, it's another tough one is hot pot. You ever do that?

[Ted Soley]

Love hot pot.

[Mark Norman]

I don't, I can't get into it.

[Ted Soley]

Really.

[Mark Norman]

Well, it's a giant cauldron of boiling oil and you put a squid head in there and eat one of their daughters, you know?

[Kevin Ryan]

Sounds like a racist term.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Ted Soley]

I love hot pot. You get the spicy one and you get soup. It's not oil.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, it's not?

[Ted Soley]

No, it's soup.

[Mark Norman]

So greasy. I don't know. Something about it. I, I, I don't know. You take it out, it's a hazard. There's flying everywhere. There's water coming at you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do you do a Korean barbecue where you go flip flop?

[Mark Norman]

I'll do that all day. I'll do that all day. Yeah.

[Ted Soley]

Love a Korean barbecue.

[Mark Norman]

Love it, love it.

[Ted Soley]

The best.

[Kevin Ryan]

Walk out smelling like a line cook, though.

[Ted Soley]

You do? Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like, you can't like, run into, like a comedy club after that and be.

[Mark Norman]

Like, yeah, it's just fun. You feel like Hunter Biden. You just free base in that shit all day.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's great. I think I'm like, really good at it.

[Mark Norman]

Right, Right.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm like, we're in the weeds and I'm like, fucking, you know, I'm telling other people how to do it.

[Mark Norman]

Totally.

[Ted Soley]

Chopping it up with the scissors.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah.

[Ted Soley]

All the stuff I've been. The first time I went, I was like, all this shit's free.

[Mark Norman]

I know.

[Ted Soley]

They just keep it coming.

[Mark Norman]

They keep it coming.

[Kevin Ryan]

I went to a place in Jersey, Fort Lee, which is, it's very Asian in Fort Lee. And we went with my. But my Korean buddy to a place in. Were like, they don't speak English. Like, they didn't even look at us.

[Ted Soley]

That's the best.

[Kevin Ryan]

They just went to him and he was just like, hit us with it and it was fantastic.

[Mark Norman]

Hell, yeah. Is Lee the guy? I thought it was Robert E. Lee. Turns out it's young Lee.

[Ted Soley]

There's a lot of Asians in Fort Lee.

[Mark Norman]

Yes, there. That's what I said. Very much so.

[Ted Soley]

Happy coincidence, I guess.

[Kevin Ryan]

What?

[Ted Soley]

Lee. Lee's an Asian name.

[Mark Norman]

That's what I'm saying. That was the bit.

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, they have a, they have a, the term Ford over there. That's relatively derogatory, I would say.

[Mark Norman]

I can't wait. Hit me later.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'll text you over a little hot pot. This is from Hemi. Is it garbage if you can see three different McDonald's signs from your House.

[Mark Norman]

Wow.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's either. That's gotta. What do you live at the airport? That's crazy.

[Mark Norman]

I know, right?

[Kevin Ryan]

That's a tough neighborhood.

[Ted Soley]

Or paradise.

[Kevin Ryan]

It does exist.

[Mark Norman]

The only way that's not trash is if you're in some crazy high rise. You can see the whole city.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure, yeah. If you're in like a penthouse, right? Which I think that is in New York, to have the floor to ceiling window is like something I would love.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, that's big. You get the hobo right up on a jerking it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Not on the first floor. At least on the second floor.

[Ted Soley]

Anytime that the fast food's that close to your house, you're in trouble.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, McDonald or Michael Jackson had a McDonald's in his mansion. Remember that? True, that's true. Give it a go there, Luki. Norman, facts over here, I'm telling you. You know that's named after a guy who. McDonald's.

[Kevin Ryan]

Of course it was Gary McDonald.

[Mark Norman]

Carl's Jr. Not a real guy by the way. He wasn't his son.

[Kevin Ryan]

And Jack in the Box real name is Randy wasn't his son.

[Ted Soley]

They were friends. That was it.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, exactly. Bit of a wives tale. There's no evidence to back up that claim.

[Ted Soley]

Nobody hates that. You got people working there. You got trucks coming in and out. You never keep it going.

[Mark Norman]

What was the claim again? I already forgot.

[Ted Soley]

The McDonald's in Michael Jackson's house, that wasn't real.

[Mark Norman]

No evidence of it. Maybe I'm thinking of Richie Rich.

[Kevin Ryan]

That was which. Man, that was a great movie. I was the same age as that guy.

[Ted Soley]

I'm thinking.

[Mark Norman]

Oh man.

[Ted Soley]

I think.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

There was a claim though.

[Mark Norman]

He was like the original Mr. Beast. You know, he could just make happen. Yeah, him and Blank Check. But now.

[Kevin Ryan]

But I just saw something. Did the broad in Blank check who was a cop who was like 30.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Didn't she make out with him at the end of Blank Check.

[Ted Soley]

Who's Blank Check?

[Kevin Ryan]

I saw that. Blank Check, Gary Blank Check?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Ted Soley]

Gary Blank Check junior.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Ted Soley]

Who's Blank Check?

[Kevin Ryan]

So Blank Check was this kid, he was pretty savvy at computers. He got crazy. He got ran over. He got hit in a parking lot on his his bike.

[Ted Soley]

You know this guy?

[Mark Norman]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's a movie in the 90s. He got hit on his bike by this guy who the cops were. He was trying to get away from the cops. His bad actor, bad character.

[Mark Norman]

Giamatti, was it?

[Kevin Ryan]

No. Is that. It was that guy who he.

[Mark Norman]

That's Big Fat Liar.

[Kevin Ryan]

I think it's smoked cigarettes like Crazy. He had such a 90s sig face.

[Mark Norman]

Michael Lerner. The kid did that?

[Kevin Ryan]

No.

[Mark Norman]

Kind of looks like Don DeVito.

[Ted Soley]

Oh, Michael Lerner.

[Kevin Ryan]

Don't you have the IMDb.

[Mark Norman]

That's what I'm looking. Looking at. This is. We're going real guy.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's not that.

[Ted Soley]

That's the guy.

[Kevin Ryan]

That was another guy.

[Ted Soley]

He ran the. The agency that James Kahn worked in Elf.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, he was the boss.

[Ted Soley]

Enough.

[Kevin Ryan]

Michael Miguel.

[Ted Soley]

Oh, that guy's great.

[Mark Norman]

RoboCop.

[Ted Soley]

Yes, RoboCop. Man. RoboCop was vicious.

[Mark Norman]

That was dark.

[Ted Soley]

So I had a hard time getting into that 70s show, which I love.

[Kevin Ryan]

Clubs because of Red Chinese Restaurant.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah.

[Ted Soley]

Because the dad was. Dude, he was so good in robocop. So mean and nasty.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, that. That movie was just twisted.

[Ted Soley]

Blow his head off.

[Mark Norman]

They got some, like, Swedish guy to direct in. He was like a Gore Nut. Maybe not switch German or something. Forgot the guy's name. But he was like, we're going all in. They're like, the studio's like, what are you crazy? You're cutting a guy's head off. You're cutting the guy's balls off. And he's like, we're doing it. And it worked so good. Paul Verhoeven. Paul Behooven. Dutch filmmaker. Dutch. Okay, thank you.

[Ted Soley]

Co owner of Benihana.

[Kevin Ryan]

Only a couple locations.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, sorry, we're going full. No, it's all good. Movie time here.

[Kevin Ryan]

That was a. I mean, went down a blank check. Worm.

[Mark Norman]

At least. These are all recent films. Thank God.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right, let's see here. This is from Muscles Marinara. Have you or anyone you know ever said, I'd rather be judged by 12 than carried by 6? That is a dirt bag.

[Ted Soley]

What the fuck?

[Kevin Ryan]

I was a rapper thing. A lot of Lloyd Bang. A lot of people would say that. I'd rather be judged by 12 than carried by six. That's why they keep the heater on them.

[Ted Soley]

I mean, I'd rather be in court than be dead.

[Kevin Ryan]

Than carry. Yeah. I'd rather be judged by 12 by a jury for shooting you. Then carried at my funeral by six friends.

[Mark Norman]

Damn. That's kind of poetic.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's very. Time is money, you know, type dirt. Bird bag.

[Mark Norman]

Get.

[Kevin Ryan]

Richard died. That was very early 2000s, right?

[Mark Norman]

No sleep or whatever. I'll sleep when I'm dead.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes. You couldn't walk a mile in these shoes type thing. You could, you know, Another day short of a millionaire.

[Mark Norman]

Another dollar store, whatever that was.

[Kevin Ryan]

I had a buddy, this kid was bad. He was like, four years older. Than us. He would wear. He had a time is money shirt with an actual dollar bill in it. Time is money. And I remember we were down the shore.

[Ted Soley]

Those guys always had no money. Always.

[Mark Norman]

It's like whenever a girl's refer to herself as a queen, I'm like, you have no accomplishments.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. You're a dumb.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

And he was like, he wore to a bar in wild and we were down the shore. And I remember being like, dude, just. You are going to get ridiculed the second you.

[Mark Norman]

Yes.

[Kevin Ryan]

He, like, didn't get that you were down the shore. And it was like a little like he was still dressed like a thug. I'm like, no one's dressing like thugs down here.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

It was very like, we're at the beach and he's fitted, hat on chain, and the time is money deep.

[Ted Soley]

No, I don't go in the water.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't want to mess up my Jordans. He's on the beach and sneaks.

[Mark Norman]

Remember Jabot? They.

[Kevin Ryan]

They had a bunch of Marcus jab or whatever. I'd never. I could never get them.

[Mark Norman]

Real guy. But he had a, like a license plate plaque on the back of the shirt. And that was big back in the day.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't remember that. I remember those jeans.

[Ted Soley]

Oh, I remember that.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Broads or whatever. They had the. The jeans had the straps on the front.

[Mark Norman]

That's right. They were big, big jeans.

[Ted Soley]

That early 2000s, that was a lot.

[Kevin Ryan]

Of white kids trying to be black.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. The wraparound sunglasses were in those shiny shirts. The button down, the frosted tips.

[Ted Soley]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

The dark time.

[Ted Soley]

I felt like Ed Hardy T shirts.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, never that.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

High tech teaser. You would get T shirts from like, express. We. That's where we'd go. We were like dressing up. You'd get like boot cut jeans and an express T shirt and thought we were like boot cut jeans.

[Mark Norman]

Yes, yes.

[Kevin Ryan]

I got my apple bottom jeans on.

[Mark Norman]

What was that? Buckle. Remember Buckle? That store?

[Kevin Ryan]

No.

[Mark Norman]

Why? You don't know about Buckle?

[Kevin Ryan]

Johnny Buckle?

[Mark Norman]

Ah, it was an Amish store. They just made hats. But no, there was a store called Buckle that was like hot. It was all jeans and belts and straps were those big, like, leather straps. A guy would wear two snaps on it and stuff. I never understood that thing.

[Kevin Ryan]

That was a very. That was a very von Dutch error. Where it was accessories became really big.

[Ted Soley]

Yvonne Dutch hats and girls wearing the fedoras.

[Mark Norman]

Right, right. A lot. A lot of black roots back then on a blonde lady.

[Ted Soley]

Sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

And on the tonight show. I can't not do words.

[Mark Norman]

I liked it.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right, this one's from toady. Slam piece. At what age. At what age did you make your first Craigslist transaction? My dad would drive me to buy things off Craigslist when I was in grade school. That seems young, dangerous, but for the longest time, Craigslist. I mean, obviously not now, but when we moved to New York, I mean, like, roommates were found on Craigslist. There was no, like, apartments,.com or Zillow. Like, none of that shit existed. So it was. You would go to Craigslist, go apartment or room shared.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Looking in whatever barrow you wanted, and go from. From there.

[Mark Norman]

I did a. I did Craigslist once or twice. Never again. Because I. I was just trying to get rid of. I'd be like, coffee table, $4. Office chair, 2 bucks. And guys would come over and eyeball it. Let me see it. All right. Can I sit in it? Yeah. And he goes, I'll think about it. I'm like, it's $2.

[Ted Soley]

Think about it.

[Mark Norman]

I'll get back to you. Let me. Let me noodle on it.

[Ted Soley]

I'm a guy on the street, lady.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ted Soley]

I was more of a men seeking men type of guy.

[Mark Norman]

Sure. That was out there.

[Ted Soley]

Missed connections. Oh, women seeking women.

[Mark Norman]

Hell, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Missed connections was big. That was steamy.

[Mark Norman]

That was a real lady, Ms. Connection. I don't know if you know her. Look her up.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's the original franchisee, man. I took college. That always got to. I always got to a point, every couple of years in my life when it was like, I had a pretty good job, so I would buy some stuff. Like, I remember I had, like, a pretty expensive snowboard. Not expensive, but like a couple hundred dollars right Where I'm like, oh, I don't snowboard anymore. I could get a couple hundred bucks for this.

[Mark Norman]

Totally.

[Kevin Ryan]

I would go and be like, that'll get me through this month. And I start selling, like, whatever electronic. I have real, like, crackhead type shit.

[Mark Norman]

Sure.

[Ted Soley]

Really? You would?

[Kevin Ryan]

I would. I remember selling my snowboard to a guy in South Philly. And he. Dude, he pulls up. I was with my boy. I'm like, dude, just come with me. I don't think anything's gonna go bad.

[Ted Soley]

But for the buy.

[Mark Norman]

What?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. And I get out and this, like, fucking. I don't know if he was in the. I wanted to be in the mob. Like, a young. He looked like he'd be an enforcer for the Sopranos. Like, this is when Sopranos was hot, too. A shaved head Cut off fucking thing. He pulls up in an Escalade, parks in, like, two spots, hops out. He's like, listen, I know I said three, but I can only do two.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, of course.

[Kevin Ryan]

It was like him and his boys were going snowboarding that weekend. And I'm like, ah, man, I don't know, like 250. And he's like, it's two. And I'm like, looking at my buddy, and my buddy's like, just, like, looking at the ground. I'm like, all right, man, just give.

[Ted Soley]

It to him, man. You don't snowboard anyway.

[Kevin Ryan]

You said two works.

[Mark Norman]

He was working on that the whole drive.

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, it's good. Pulled up, left the door open. Music playing, like, that's a guy who's gonna. He was at least showing, like, I'm a guy who will fight you in this parking lot.

[Mark Norman]

Come on. You could have hit him with the board.

[Ted Soley]

Yeah, you should have said, no, dude, I said three. Yeah, you go back to South Philly and tell your goons they try any rough stuff. I ain't no band leader.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, your Ragu skin, his olive oil voice.

[Ted Soley]

I don't do too.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

You could just walk back inside.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, no, we had met him in the parking lot. I would have had to then put the board back in the. Zip it up in the back.

[Ted Soley]

We needed the money for dinner. You probably were in front of a diner or something like that. I already ordered, man.

[Kevin Ryan]

They're gonna take my potato skins back if I'm not in there minutes with some cash.

[Ted Soley]

You're lucky. I have another deal percolating inside. Come on.

[Kevin Ryan]

Listen, I'm not.

[Mark Norman]

I want.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm a bozo. What do you want from me?

[Ted Soley]

That guy probably told all his boys.

[Mark Norman]

I know.

[Ted Soley]

Hey, this fat kid from temple.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, so. Yeah, well, dude, this guy would have me up. I push back. It's not like I let him take it for. I still got 200 bucks out of deal jokes on him. It was worth a hundred. All right.

[Mark Norman]

Take that, you slippery guinea.

[Ted Soley]

All right.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay. Easy does it. All right. This was from David. $10 jammed up, homie. Is it garbage? You take sand from the park and use it in your kids sandbox?

[Mark Norman]

What the. Wow.

[Ted Soley]

I don't.

[Mark Norman]

That's hilarious.

[Ted Soley]

Cigarette butts and like that.

[Mark Norman]

It's bad.

[Kevin Ryan]

It depends what Paul Park. New York City parks are bad. Like, there's just needles and Sigma.

[Mark Norman]

It's just hobo shits. It's like a litter box for a homeless.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, it's tough.

[Ted Soley]

Even beaches. Like, even. Like like, you know the nicest area where it's like the beach is supposed to be nice. It's been so many years of cigarette butts and can. They're all gross.

[Mark Norman]

Oh yeah. Dead birds.

[Ted Soley]

Dead birds. Nasty.

[Kevin Ryan]

What do you was like man, it's dead bird. Dead birds.

[Ted Soley]

Boot cut bir day on the beach.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, that's. I mean it's resourceful I guess, but you don't be that guy.

[Kevin Ryan]

We were always big, we always needed. I don't know why, but a lot of times in our life we needed sand and we were never ones to buy it. Like you could go to the Home Depot and get those bags of sand and we natter's sand down and we would go somewhere to get sand.

[Mark Norman]

100%. We built a half pipe in my backyard. The whole thing was stolen. All the plywood, all the coping. We just deal off construction sites.

[Ted Soley]

Dude.

[Kevin Ryan]

That was. That was mo. I mean same thing. We, you know, biked a lot and skated and all that stuff. And there was. They were building up these, you know, like these cookie cutter McMansions in our, like in our area. And we would just go. And the two by fours galore. They didn't care that the guys work in the job site. I mean it was like now it's like a huge net. It was toll brothers. It's a huge fucking corporation. So they were just like we don't give a right. Take it.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Plywood. We would take the tools.

[Mark Norman]

Oh wow.

[Kevin Ryan]

Nails, anything.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

They would just leave it and we would just go in and ransack.

[Mark Norman]

It was a grab bag.

[Ted Soley]

Until some kid fell into the unfinished basement.

[Mark Norman]

That did happen.

[Kevin Ryan]

Shout out to Chris. Broke his hips and pelvis.

[Ted Soley]

That was a rough fall.

[Kevin Ryan]

That one of my favorite things ever.

[Mark Norman]

We took a.

[Kevin Ryan]

We found a box of caulk and just took it and smashed it all over the walls. And it was just caulking things to the wall of the basement. It was like the funnest thing. Year old kid.

[Mark Norman]

That's a good time just throwing.

[Kevin Ryan]

So just stick in it.

[Mark Norman]

Pre Internet, man. We had to get creative, man.

[Ted Soley]

Imagine that contractor showing up Monday morning.

[Mark Norman]

Like I know. Oh yeah, true dude.

[Kevin Ryan]

At one point we found the keys for the backhoe. Like the little cat. I mean it was like could do. Because at 4 o'clock they left and we would sit up in the ridge like we were Indians.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like waiting for the cowboys to leave. We'd sit up on top of this hill all on our bikes and they'd all get in their trucks and leave and we just fucking descend upon the best and just fucking do whatever the fuck we want.

[Mark Norman]

You had to make fun. Like, you would find an old shopping cart on a Saturday morning, and you're like, this is our day.

[Kevin Ryan]

Four hours.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, that was four hours down a hill, end up in a bush, flipping around, laughing the whole way.

[Kevin Ryan]

We found a Christmas tree one time, dude, somebody had taken their Christmas tree and pulled it into the woods to, like, get rid of it. And it had, like, the end of it had sat in water, so it, like, sustained kind kind of. And we found it. We were like. We pulled it out of the water. We're like, let's let this thing dry out for a couple of days because we are going to set it on fire. Oh, we let it dry out. My boy Pat and Flip found it on, like, Monday. They came in with, like, they told us all around the lunch table, like, they got a score. They're like, we got a Christmas tree. We're gonna let it dry out for on Friday. Everybody come over.

[Mark Norman]

This is your Lufthanda Heist.

[Ted Soley]

When you said it was still good, I thought you mean you were gonna, like, put it up and decorate it.

[Mark Norman]

I thought so.

[Ted Soley]

Sitting around, start doing a white elephant.

[Kevin Ryan]

I hope I was good this year.

[Mark Norman]

What are you, Jewish friends or like, we're burning this thing? I'm pissed.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, you're looking for stuff to do.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, I guess, dude.

[Ted Soley]

A dry Christmas tree. That thing goes up.

[Kevin Ryan]

It was insane.

[Mark Norman]

It's a wick that.

[Kevin Ryan]

We would steal all the pvc once they started doing the plumbing, we'd steal the PVC and make 3 foot bongs with it. Caulk it up, make the bongs.

[Ted Soley]

You ever set a fire in the woods and it gets a little too, like a second? You're like, oh, God.

[Kevin Ryan]

You really find out what you're made of. And I do. My fight or flight response ain't good.

[Ted Soley]

I take off that and shooting stuff with a BB gun. You find out what you're made of.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, that red breast is getting it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ted Soley]

And then you hit it and you st. I can't believe I.

[Mark Norman]

It's like Luigi probably how he felt.

[Kevin Ryan]

I can't believe I hit it.

[Ted Soley]

I thought it would move.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right, let's see. We got time for one more here. This was from Chase Lee. First time, long time. $10, homie. Is it garbage to bring a frozen margarita machine to your mother's wake?

[Mark Norman]

Wow, that's a hell of a sentence.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's a good party, though.

[Mark Norman]

True.

[Kevin Ryan]

I come from a boozing family. So that kind of like we're drinking before, after like we're. Listen, it's the what you would have wanted I'm sure right now.

[Ted Soley]

But you just hear somebody in the living room making like a poetic speech and.

[Mark Norman]

I'll tell you, he's getting one of those as Clooney when he dies is going right in there, run it up. I'm putting his ashes in there and drinking it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Live forever, babe. Yeah, but that's it. We gotta wrap it up gang.

[Ted Soley]

What a fun one.

[Kevin Ryan]

Always great.

[Ted Soley]

Always great to have uncle Mark in the house.

[Kevin Ryan]

You ain't lying.

[Mark Norman]

Pleasure to be back.

[Ted Soley]

We got anything coming out? Hit him.

[Mark Norman]

Hey.

[Kevin Ryan]

Coming out this week. So yeah, fresh.

[Mark Norman]

I'm off going to the uk. I'm going all over the the limey foggy London town. I'm going to Belfast and Glasgow and all that and London and card and then I'm going to Australia later in the year. Just trying to get away from this child.

[Ted Soley]

Sure.

[Mark Norman]

And yeah. So come on out. Markdomcomedy.com all kinds of dates coming all over the US too. Love it Tuesday stories. We might be drunk. Praise Allah.

[Ted Soley]

You're the best, buddy. We love having you. Kippy.

[Kevin Ryan]

What do you got for him guys? We are on the road next week. There's just few tickets left for Cleveland. That's it. The second show added there. Then we are announcing our fall dates coming up very soon.

[Ted Soley]

Got a big one coming, gang.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes. There's a link in the description of this episode. Click that. Let us know if you live in any of the cities.

[Ted Soley]

Watch Truth 66 on the YouTube page. Grab some some cards of the new card games out. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

And that's it. We love you.

[Ted Soley]

We love you.

[Mark Norman]

Hell yeah. Peace.