Ruining the Party w/ Tom Segura!

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Ruining the Party w/ Tom Segura"

Episode Overview In the April 24, 2025 episode of "Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast," hosts Kevin Ryan and H. Foley welcome veteran comedian Tom Segura as their special guest. The episode humorously delves into the awkward and often messy situations that arise during social gatherings, particularly focusing on bathroom etiquette, embarrassing personal stories, family dynamics, and the trials of maintaining friendships. Through a blend of candid conversations and hilarious anecdotes, the trio explores what it truly means to be "garbage" in various aspects of life, all while keeping listeners entertained with their sharp wit and relatable humor.

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1. Welcome and Introduction (00:00 - 02:21)

The episode opens with the hosts showcasing a humorous clip from their "Route 66" tour, setting the tone for the lighthearted banter to follow. Kevin Ryan initiates the conversation with a comical mishap, leading to playful ribbing from H. Foley about personal hygiene disasters.

Notable Quote:

• Kevin Ryan [00:00]: "Check out this short clip from the Route 66 tour on our YouTube page. I'm not even lying. I just shit my pants."

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2. Bathroom Etiquette at Social Gatherings (10:00 - 13:35)

The discussion shifts to a relatable dilemma: locating and utilizing bathroom facilities during parties. The hosts debate the social norms surrounding bathroom use in someone else’s home, especially when multiple bathrooms are involved or when family members are present.

Key Points:

• Strategies for discreetly using the bathroom without causing disruption.
• The importance of the relationship with the host in determining bathroom etiquette.
• Tom Segura shares his preference for using the furthest bathroom to minimize disturbance.

Notable Quotes:

• Tom Segura [10:25]: "The furthest possible room."
• Kevin Ryan [10:43]: "That social norms. Not in a vacuum."

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3. Embarrassing Bathroom Mishaps (22:00 - 30:00)

Tom Segura recounts a cringe-worthy story from his college days involving an urgent bathroom situation at a girl’s house. The narrative highlights the discomfort and embarrassment of dealing with unexpected bodily functions in social settings.

Key Points:

• Tom's desperate attempt to find a private bathroom leads to unintended comedic consequences.
• The hosts empathize with the awkwardness of such situations, sharing their own similar experiences.
• The importance of honesty and maintaining composure during embarrassing moments.

Notable Quotes:

• Tom Segura [22:27]: "I have to go study. We have a test tomorrow."
• H. Foley [23:55]: "I have to go have explosive diarrhea with a boner."

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4. Family Dynamics and Childhood Discipline (29:00 - 35:00)

The conversation transitions to childhood experiences and the methods parents use to discipline misbehavior. Listener-submitted stories reveal various approaches to handling unruly behavior, ranging from severe punishments to creative solutions.

Key Points:

• Justin's story about his parents punishing him by trading him to the "swear house" for excessive cursing.
• Tom and H. Foley share their own childhood disciplinary experiences, emphasizing the psychological impact.
• The hosts highlight the contrast between stern and comedic approaches to parenting.

Notable Quotes:

• Justin [29:14]: "My dad drove me to an empty industrial area and pointed at a fenced in section..."
• Tom Segura [29:35]: "That's traumatizing, dude."

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5. Financial Struggles and Credit Management (44:00 - 48:50)

Kevin Ryan and H. Foley discuss their financial journeys, focusing on credit scores, managing loans, and the complexities of purchasing a conversion van. The hosts candidly talk about their past financial missteps and the ongoing efforts to improve their creditworthiness.

Key Points:

• The challenges of securing loans with poor credit scores.
• The significance of maintaining a balance between want and need in financial decisions.
• Anecdotes about purchasing and maintaining a conversion van, highlighting unexpected issues like leaks and maintenance problems.

Notable Quotes:

• H. Foley [44:54]: "Off the grid."
• Kevin Ryan [45:13]: "We got the van."

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6. Ancestry Testing and Family Secrets (54:00 - 59:00)

The hosts delve into the world of ancestry testing, sharing surprising and sometimes unsettling results that reveal hidden family secrets. This segment underscores how DNA revelations can alter perceptions and relationships within families.

Key Points:

• H. Foley's discovery that his stepdad's DNA did not match his supposed heritage, leading to familial discord.
• Discussions about the ethical implications of sharing DNA data and the potential for misuse.
• The impact of ancestry results on personal identity and family dynamics.

Notable Quotes:

• H. Foley [54:44]: "We got my grandparents ancestry test."
• Kevin Ryan [57:04]: "Because that could actually jam up you if you were the killer."

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7. Listener Stories and Interactive Segments (28:00 - 38:00)

The podcast incorporates listener-submitted stories, adding an interactive dimension to the episode. These narratives range from relentless parental discipline to humorous encounters with strangers, showcasing the diverse experiences that define being "garbage."

Key Points:

• Justin's story about being punished for swearing by being sent to the "swear house."
• Stories about unsolicited home improvement sales tactics and bizarre interactions with service people.
• Tales of embarrassing moments at public places like hotels and restaurants.

Notable Quotes:

• Kevin Ryan [34:20]: "Throw a bacon, egg and cheese on top of that."
• H. Foley [34:44]: "She would then write down the addresses, take them to work, find their phone number, and go sell them cable."

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8. Vehicle Adventures and Maintenance Woes (46:00 - 48:50)

The hosts share their experiences with their conversion van, detailing both the perks and the pitfalls of van life. From luxurious interiors to unexpected maintenance issues, the discussion highlights the everyday challenges of living on the road.

Key Points:

• The comfort and practicality of their conversion van compared to traditional vehicles.
• Issues like sunroof leaks and the high costs associated with retrofitting a work van.
• The camaraderie and shared experiences that come with traveling together in a spacious vehicle.

Notable Quotes:

• H. Foley [47:16]: "We've got leaks all in it. It's got five leaks."
• Kevin Ryan [47:38]: "I think you should get a seatbelt extender on there."

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9. Closing Anecdotes and Final Thoughts (60:00 - 66:38)

As the episode wraps up, the hosts and Tom Segura engage in playful banter about personal appearances and relationships. They reflect on their journey with the podcast, expressing gratitude for their listeners and the support they've received.

Key Points:

• Humorous exchanges about physical attributes and relationship dynamics.
• Reflections on the success and growth of the podcast, emphasizing the importance of authentic content.
• Final shout-outs and promotions, maintaining the lighthearted and inclusive spirit of the show.

Notable Quotes:

• Tom Segura [66:18]: "Thank you, guys for having me."
• Kevin Ryan [66:28]: "Peace, Peace."

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Conclusion "Ruining the Party w/ Tom Segura" is a quintessential episode of "Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast," blending heartfelt conversations with relentless humor. The collaboration between Kevin Ryan, H. Foley, and Tom Segura offers listeners a mix of personal insight, relatable struggles, and uproarious stories that affirm the show's unique niche as a comedic exploration of everyday "garbage." Whether tackling the awkwardness of social etiquette or navigating the labyrinth of family secrets, the trio delivers an engaging and entertaining episode that resonates with a wide audience.

Transcript

[Kevin Ryan]

Hey, gang, check out this short clip from the Route 66 tour on our YouTube page. I'm not even lying. I just shit my pants.

[H. Foley]

What happened at the garage?

[Kevin Ryan]

Hey, how are you? You guys have a bathroom? You saw that, huh?

[H. Foley]

I'm curious as to what. Do you want to get out in front of this thing?

[Kevin Ryan]

These are dangerous questions.

[H. Foley]

Are those the shorts you were wearing?

[Kevin Ryan]

Unfortunately, they are.

[H. Foley]

Dude, that's fucking disgusting.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hang on.

[H. Foley]

Unless you were wearing plastic underwear, which I do not think you.

[Kevin Ryan]

It didn't go through.

[H. Foley]

No, dude, that's insane.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm telling you, it did not get to the outer layer. What you may know is the upper atmosphere, it stayed within the molten core of the butt sheet. The underwear, on the other hand, didn't make it. Thank you. You're welcome. I appreciate your hospitality.

[H. Foley]

Of course. I mean, I've seen you go to the bathroom a lot. I've never seen you walk out with ev.

[Kevin Ryan]

Welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is are you garbage? Oh, yeah. It's that little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that at the group to be classy. Yeah, but they're just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host, Tae Choley. Coming at you on a beautiful day. We are out back here at tooties in the new edition. She's out in the backyard catching squirrels. Stay away from the chili tonight. Order in, get a pizza. All right, Mike hoes is coming at you from right next to me, slightly amused this week. He is the CEO of are you garbage? He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world, and I love him and I don't care who knows it. Give it up for KJ Kevin. James Ryan, everybody.

[H. Foley]

What up, gang? Shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in as always. Please make sure you rate view subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Also full video available over there on Spotify. Gang. Check that out. Those numbers are cooking. Then obviously the greatest website of all time. Www.patreon.com Are you garbage? You got to keep the goddamn lights on over here.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes, sir. And, gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest back with us again today, the godfather of are you garbage?

[H. Foley]

Over here.

[Kevin Ryan]

The boss of bosses, El Jefe. He's got a brand new Series coming out on Netflix May 13 Thoughts? We know you've seen the teaser. Wait till you see the trailer. Absolutely unbelievable, this guy. One step ahead of the game all the time. Give it up for Tom Segura, everybody.

[H. Foley]

Thank you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Look at you.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you. It's good to be back. Thank you for having me.

[Kevin Ryan]

Of course.

[Tom Segura]

I love it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Dude, are you double teeing?

[H. Foley]

That's together. That's one. That's one. Te. Which is very trashy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Dicky Te on.

[H. Foley]

That might be the trashiest thing you do.

[Kevin Ryan]

What the hell?

[H. Foley]

That's for kids, dude.

[Tom Segura]

It is.

[Kevin Ryan]

Is that reversible too? It can be.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Listen, I saw. I clocked that the second he did.

[Tom Segura]

You were like.

[H. Foley]

And I was like, no way am I bringing that up. You got some balls, chubby. That's the goddamn balls.

[Kevin Ryan]

What time are school pictures, huh?

[H. Foley]

I apologize for it.

[Tom Segura]

Super trashy, right?

[Kevin Ryan]

It's probably an expensive shirt, though.

[Tom Segura]

It's so expensive.

[H. Foley]

These rich guys don't know. What the.

[Kevin Ryan]

How much was that shirt?

[Tom Segura]

I don't remember. I really don't.

[Kevin Ryan]

A couple hundred.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, probably a few hundred bucks.

[H. Foley]

No.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Now, what are you doing these days that you're all slimmed out? Are you. Do you have a stylist?

[H. Foley]

You're who I want to be. I look at you and I.

[Kevin Ryan]

You are not.

[H. Foley]

I know. Trust me. I know. But I go. You went bald quite well. You got the good facial hair. You trimmed up. That's what I'm trying to do. But I'm leaning more towards this way.

[Tom Segura]

I have been farting so much.

[Kevin Ryan]

What, here?

[Tom Segura]

Well, no, I went in there just to fart.

[Kevin Ryan]

Gentlemen.

[H. Foley]

Disrespectful.

[Tom Segura]

It was like a 15 second fart, though.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

I think it's all the protein bars I'm eating. They really let you rip.

[Kevin Ryan]

Ass.

[Tom Segura]

These goddamn bar bills will get just. I'm turning down things I want to eat. That's it, dude. That's the only way I can.

[H. Foley]

That's how you do it, dude.

[Tom Segura]

That's. And here's the thing. And it's not great. It's just like I'm. I think I still live with hope. Do you do that where, like, you'll be like, oh, I'll look like this one day and I. Yeah, no, you're.

[H. Foley]

Dude, you're my goal.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, you're in there. What do you mean?

[Tom Segura]

That's not a great goal.

[Kevin Ryan]

Are you not where you want to.

[H. Foley]

Be from my side of the fence? What? What do you want to disappear?

[Tom Segura]

No, I think I. But I mean, you kind of want to, like, tighten up. Yeah, he's a tight guy.

[H. Foley]

How old are you?

[Tom Segura]

I just turned 46.

[H. Foley]

46.

[Kevin Ryan]

No kidding.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Most people, by the way, I did. I remember this from just, like, a couple weeks ago. I did. I did msg.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, I know. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And. And Jimmy Miller, who I work with as a manager, of course, comes over. We have a dinner afterwards. It's like a big stuff.

[H. Foley]

We used to work with him as well.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, you did?

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

So Jimmy sits down next to me, and this is so funny to me, but he's like. He goes. I was. You know. He's like, congratulations, big night. You're msg. It's a huge deal. He goes, guess. When the Beastie Boys first did msg, I was like, oh, that's good trivia. I was like, I don't know. He's like, we'll take a guess. I was like, 90. It's probably 2006 or something. No, 84.

[H. Foley]

Whoa.

[Tom Segura]

84. And then he goes. Then the next thing, he goes. And so he goes, so you're 52? And I go, what? He goes, you're 52? Like that? Like you're 52? And I go,. I'm 45. He goes, oh, okay.

[H. Foley]

Well, forget I brought it up.

[Tom Segura]

He's like, just so you were like, 5 years old. I go, wait a minute. Why do you think I was 52? I just looked at you. I was like, everybody always has it. Since I was 17, has been like, when I was 17, I didn't even have to get a fake. I had a fake id. But I would walk in, they'd be like, what do you just.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like this.

[Tom Segura]

I look like this. People were like, 27. I'm like, I'm 17 years old, and it's never changed.

[H. Foley]

But you carry yourself of the vibes sometimes of a guy who's over it.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[H. Foley]

Like, you. Like, you're sitting like you're 55.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah. That's what I get a lot.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm 49, and I always thought you were older than me.

[Tom Segura]

You and I would 100% guess that you're younger than me. Like, I would really. I would never assume that you're older than me.

[Kevin Ryan]

Huh. You carry yourself in a fatherly man's man type of way.

[Tom Segura]

It's a double T kind of way.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's the double. You have a nice jacket out there covering the double T. I did have a jacket on. That's right. You look sharp in your jackets and stuff.

[Tom Segura]

Thanks, man. Thank you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Not. You don't look sharp now.

[Tom Segura]

No, I appreciate it, man.

[H. Foley]

I don't know why you think you're offended. You look sharp. Not that, you know, I would disrespect you after I made fun of your little boy T shirt.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right. You got your whole pass on you.

[Tom Segura]

I should.

[H. Foley]

I should.

[Tom Segura]

I should have a whole pass to wear this.

[Kevin Ryan]

Back to my original question, now that you are slimmed up and stuff like that, and you're coming into your final form.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Are you. How did you come across that shirt? Or where are you getting your clothes? Yeah.

[H. Foley]

So are you Shopper.

[Tom Segura]

I've had. I've had two things done where, like, I. I go out and, yeah, I just walk into stores and I just get things that I just try stuff on.

[H. Foley]

You go in the fitting room?

[Tom Segura]

Sometimes. Not always a lot. Sometimes I just hold it up and I'm like, this seems right. And then sometimes I go, this was a huge mistake. I should have tried this sporadically.

[Kevin Ryan]

Or is this like, okay, it's a shopping day.

[Tom Segura]

No, it's not a shopping. It's more just like. Yeah. Walking around. You just walk by something if you're on.

[Kevin Ryan]

If you're in town somewhere.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. Like, this is a. Like, normally this is a quick trip, but, like, for me coming to New York, you go like, oh, there's everything here. So one afternoon, I might be like, oh, I'm gonna stop in a few stores and, like, because you guys just have everything.

[Kevin Ryan]

Will you set something up? Will you have somebody, an assistant or somebody set it up? Hey, let them know I'm coming in.

[Tom Segura]

I've done that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, I like that. You operate.

[Tom Segura]

I have done that.

[Kevin Ryan]

At the usual bums we got walking.

[Tom Segura]

Around this dump I did have in London. I had them do that, and that was cool.

[Kevin Ryan]

Whoa.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, because I saw them.

[Tom Segura]

You tell the guy you told. I told the guy stuff that I like. And then you just show up and they have racks of just stuff in your size that you like.

[H. Foley]

Now, I got a question. Do you feel obligated to buy.

[Tom Segura]

Are you, like, fuck, I used to, but not anymore.

[H. Foley]

Because they're used to that, right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I just go like, oh, I'm not getting. Like. I used to feel an. Like, oh, somebody did something I have to do. I just only would get something I want. Yeah. Like, if they had a cool double T, I would.

[H. Foley]

I don't even. Like. I don't even. Like. I don't even like using a bathroom at a Starbucks without, like, fake looking at the menu. Like, yeah, you still got the ventis I'll be right back. I'm gonna order.

[Tom Segura]

You have all your sizes. I'll be right back. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

What's that? Bathroom coat.

[Kevin Ryan]

Speaking of the bathroom.

[H. Foley]

Yes. I wanted to pick your brain on this.

[Kevin Ryan]

We have. So we have some stories, we have some stuff from the. From the homies and the bozos, the listeners there, but something that has come up over the last couple of weeks, which started out. It's. It's a multiple part scenario that I want to hit you with.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

First off, I want to say Kevin. Kevin's a new homeowner. He has a home.

[Tom Segura]

Congratulations.

[H. Foley]

Thank you.

[Kevin Ryan]

And we.

[Tom Segura]

Awesome.

[Kevin Ryan]

We. We were down there, but sure, we were down there. And we were looking around the house. Okay. Like, his wife was like, you know, check the place out. We went upstairs to see it. A lot of the rooms were closed. The doors were closed.

[Tom Segura]

The doors were closed in this new house?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes, the doors are closing this new upstairs.

[Tom Segura]

So.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay, first part is, if you were doing that and checking it out, would.

[Tom Segura]

You open those doors if you were a guest?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes.

[H. Foley]

Well, let's just say. Let's say it's the. It's the frequency, it's the relationship of me and him. So let's say you go to Burt's house.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

You open a door.

[Kevin Ryan]

Bert had a new home, but the doors were closed upstairs, kind of hinting we don't want you to go in there.

[Tom Segura]

Well, here's the thing. If there's one door closed, I might be like, okay, there's. This is one. But if there's like four doors closed, I'd be like, what's going on in the room?

[H. Foley]

To see the hallway.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay. All right. Which leads me to the real question.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay. Let's say you are at a function, a Christmas Eve, something like that. Maybe not family. Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

And you are in there, the party going on. You have to use the facilities. Okay. Where are you going to do that there?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I want to go out of the way, so.

[Kevin Ryan]

Of course you do.

[Tom Segura]

The furthest possible room.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay, now we're getting somewhere. Okay, so where's that going to be?

[Tom Segura]

It's probably upstairs.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're going to go upstairs?

[Tom Segura]

Probably upstairs. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do you think that's okay?

[Tom Segura]

I mean, if what I know is in me is going to come out, it's best for everyone to go away for this.

[H. Foley]

I concur with that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Let's just say for whatever reason, you choose not to use the hall bathroom. You want to use the master bathroom.

[Tom Segura]

That's insane.

[H. Foley]

That's insane.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's insane.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, it's. Well, if, if you were at.

[H. Foley]

Get ahead of myself.

[Tom Segura]

It depends which scenario we're in here. Like, so if I'm at Bert's house.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

I would just be like, yeah, I'm blowing your bathroom.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's. I. We all agree.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Kevin Ryan]

That social norms. Not in a vacuum.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Kevin Ryan]

That was. That's where you'd want to go.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. But if. Hold on. If we're in the scenario.

[H. Foley]

It's Christmas Eve.

[Tom Segura]

Christmas Eve. And you're.

[H. Foley]

You're at like, you're in law. Not you're at your brothers.

[Kevin Ryan]

We'll just tell them. All right, here's the thing. Every Christmas we have Christmas at my cousin Kelly's. Okay. And every Christmas, you know, mixed company, too. I eat a lot. Okay. And usually at some point, it's just in. In the evening, I have to use the bathroom. Their bathroom is right next to the kitchen. So I can't go there.

[Tom Segura]

Go there then that's for everybody.

[Kevin Ryan]

Then there's the bathroom.

[H. Foley]

I agree. I'm not saying I'm. I say you should go home. That's it for you. Your Christmas is done.

[Kevin Ryan]

Then there's the bathroom upstairs. Okay. Where like the, like the kids rooms are. Like, that's like the kids.

[H. Foley]

The hall bathroom.

[Kevin Ryan]

But the kids are up there playing, running around, all that stuff, so I don't want them banging on the door. I usually go into their master bedroom.

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[H. Foley]

It's crazy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Which.

[H. Foley]

Those doors are usually closed, breaching the.

[Kevin Ryan]

Door for this function.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

And I go into their master bedroom and bathroom and I. Yeah, I poop there.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

And they think that's a faux pa. Let's just say.

[Tom Segura]

Who thinks? Kelly.

[H. Foley]

No, me.

[Kevin Ryan]

Kelly doesn't know about it. Kelly knows about it now.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. No, it's wild. But I mean, it's. It's also, again, it's so direct. The answer is so directly correlated to your relationship with the person. Sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Like if you and Kelly are like, she's your cousin. If you're long time, like, you know, cousins growing up. And it's like there's a. There's a certain closeness. I think it. That's when you, you know, like, I would do this to certain cousins of mine because we're like siblings and I would do it to my siblings in a second.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But if it's like, you know, a cousin I see every six years, that's a different, you know, I mean, I think it's all predicated on how close are you to Kelly.

[Kevin Ryan]

So what would you do if you really had to go? See, I feel like I'm doing the best thing for everybody.

[Tom Segura]

I kind of get it. I kind of understand you are.

[H. Foley]

Listen, let's just say we're at Christmas at your house, and he. Him being him, he just crushed the turkey dinner or whatever it was.

[Kevin Ryan]

We're at your house and he goes.

[H. Foley]

Up to your master bathroom, feet away from where you rest your head at night.

[Tom Segura]

I would say, what the are you doing? I'd be like, 37 other bathrooms go downstairs.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'll ruin the party.

[Tom Segura]

There's a good layout for. For shitting. Yeah, there's a good. There's a couple of good ones to get away.

[Kevin Ryan]

Now, if you. If you did have a house party, would those rooms be closed up? Would you have the bedroom doors closed?

[Tom Segura]

I mean, the master probably be closed.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I think so. Yeah. I think locked.

[Kevin Ryan]

Not locked, but I'm getting in.

[Tom Segura]

You're getting in. Locked is insane. Who are you having over?

[H. Foley]

That's crazy. He does like to go through medicine cabinets.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, I do. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You ever found anything good in there?

[Kevin Ryan]

Hey. God damn right. Still got some on me. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Back in the day, there's a time.

[H. Foley]

He didn't really discriminate.

[Tom Segura]

Again, I said, the best thing ever happened to me. So, you know people. You know, you guys do shows and people go like, hey, man, I got you. You know, I made this hat. Or I got.

[Kevin Ryan]

Awesome.

[Tom Segura]

And like the fan artwork and the.

[H. Foley]

A lot of it is on set.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. And it's. And people are usually like, you know, they're saying super sweet things to you and they. And you get all these stuff and you're like, oh, cool, thanks. And we have it too, like a lot of it on set. I'm doing this signing a few weeks ago. This guy comes up to me and he's like, hey, man, you know, here you go. I'm like, what? He goes, open your hand. And I'm like, sorry. Because he's like mumbling. He's like, your hand, open your hand. I was like, oh, okay. And then he just shakes my hand. Dude, he gave me two Vyvanse.

[Kevin Ryan]

What's Vivance?

[H. Foley]

It's like an Adderall. No.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

Are they loose? Are they in a bag?

[Tom Segura]

No, they're like in a little container. He's like, it's vibe. And I was like, bro, you're doing.

[H. Foley]

You're popping loose hand to hand pills like that.

[Tom Segura]

You're the best guy I've ever met. Like, Vyvanse is my favorite.

[H. Foley]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, man. I mean, I just.

[H. Foley]

You got a prescription to that?

[Tom Segura]

No, I'm trying to. I've switched doctors and I've tried to, and they're all turned me down.

[Kevin Ryan]

And you took it and took the. How do you know what it exactly was? It could have been.

[Tom Segura]

I've had. I've had. I just. I. You can see it.

[Kevin Ryan]

You can see what this guy often get. Tried to give me blow one time in LA and he wouldn't let me take it.

[H. Foley]

No, listen.

[Tom Segura]

Blows a lot. It's more scary these days, though, I guess.

[H. Foley]

So, listen, don't. Don't pay me to be the bad guy. This is crazy. I'm doing everything.

[Tom Segura]

Have you ever had a divans?

[H. Foley]

No, I don't do drugs.

[Kevin Ryan]

I never have either.

[Tom Segura]

It's great. If you're nodding over there, you've had it. Fan, Big fan.

[H. Foley]

Big.

[Tom Segura]

And the big thing I learned from a regular Vyvanse user is have your mission set for the day. He's like, don't just take it.

[H. Foley]

Like, watch a show, lock in.

[Tom Segura]

You got to be like, today I'm doing X, Y, Z. Limitless. Yeah. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm surprised you can't get your hands on a script at your position.

[Tom Segura]

I've tried, dude.

[Kevin Ryan]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

I've been turned because, like, one physician was like, well, there's some cardiac risk, so I don't want. And I'm like, whatever, dude. So I went to another doctor. That doctor was like, well, we need to, like, get. What's.

[H. Foley]

That is drug CPC behavior.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hold on. You don't got a doctor feel good on the payroll?

[Tom Segura]

No, man.

[H. Foley]

You're doing it wrong, man.

[Tom Segura]

I know.

[Kevin Ryan]

I figured you were waking up with IVs, going to bed with IVs. I like IVs the whole nine years.

[Tom Segura]

I get IVs pretty regularly, and I have some good contacts there. But I'm putting this call out to.

[H. Foley]

Shout out to the homies in the bozos.

[Tom Segura]

I'm putting a call out. There's no doctors by advanced people out there.

[H. Foley]

We can get it. We can get you, like, off the. Off the street for sure.

[Tom Segura]

That's fine.

[Kevin Ryan]

Nurse. Pick. Pick. I couldn't get it out. Nurse practitioner.

[H. Foley]

We also. We just got. Some guy just DM'd me when we were on the road, remember? And he was like, I'm a physician's assistant, and during surgery, me and all the doctors listen to your podcast. I'm like, really?

[Tom Segura]

During surgery?

[H. Foley]

That's not the doctor you fucking want.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. If I heard that's this play. As I was going under I'd be.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like ah, hey everybody out there, titties. Fucking focus.

[H. Foley]

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[Tom Segura]

Dewey, by the way, I keep going to, like, imagining somebody just like, oh, I left something in my room. And they go at their party and they see Foley in the.

[H. Foley]

He's got. He's got the door to the bathroom open.

[Tom Segura]

He's like, what's going on? He's like, I'll be out in a minute. You're like, ah, man, going to take.

[H. Foley]

Your shower real quick.

[Kevin Ryan]

Would you be upset?

[Tom Segura]

No, I would get it. I also have the bidet, the built in, you know, the washlet.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Which is just like, once you shit with those, can't go back. You feel like an animal. Dry wiping. Right. It's just the greatest thing. So I would be like, yeah, man, Run that spray. Get yourself nice and clean, my man.

[Kevin Ryan]

Thank you, buddy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, of course.

[Kevin Ryan]

So if you were at a. If you were at a party and you didn't really know the people. I don't know in a vacuum, like, say it's. I don't know, some of Christina's friends that you don't really know or whatever, and you really had to go, are you in that place? Are you gonna leave?

[Tom Segura]

If. Here's the thing.

[H. Foley]

He said he would leave if I get a. That bad.

[Tom Segura]

And it's like, the older you get.

[H. Foley]

If it's gonna affect everyone there, I'd pivot. I know it's over.

[Tom Segura]

The less. The less I'm willing to compromise. Like, there's an age where you're like, I'm leaving.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And, like, you know, like, I used to. Never on flights. And then you just go.

[H. Foley]

I'm.

[Tom Segura]

I'm like. My body's telling me to. I'm like, you just care less. So I think if the tug was strong enough to, like, you gotta go. I'm finding a way to go. But I'm also, like, not wanting to near people. For sure. Okay. I would definitely try to find a different, you know, part of the house or wherever to do it. I might even look for another building. I'm just going.

[H. Foley]

Just going.

[Tom Segura]

But I'm going somewhere. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Hopefully the neighbors are gone.

[Kevin Ryan]

That was also something, too. Would you ever go to a party? If you got there, maybe you're there for like an hour. You really have to go. Would you go home, take a Dump and then come back.

[Tom Segura]

You know, I remember first of all.

[H. Foley]

Everybody would know it's got to be a good party.

[Tom Segura]

You have to have, you got to have Kirk Fox on to tell you his okay at a Hollywood party stories.

[Kevin Ryan]

I love that.

[Tom Segura]

It's unbelievable.

[Kevin Ryan]

I love that. Kirk Fox.

[Tom Segura]

I remember, I remember when I was a sophomore in college that I was. We, we. There was a part where of the campus called Price Village, which is like all these tandem, you know, housing units. So it's like me and a guy here, a shared bathroom and then another two guys.

[Kevin Ryan]

Gotcha.

[Tom Segura]

Across the the courtyard was a girl who lived in one of those named Mary Lynn. And Mary Lynn, Marilyn Berkeley. Shout out to her. Shout out to Marilyn. I don't know how you're doing. Was this like kind of hippie, sexy chick. And I go over to her place, we're hanging out and like a little bit of kissing and then she's just like down. And in that moment I'm like, I have to so bad, like. And I know I can't. It's not the kind of. It's a full fucking emergency.

[H. Foley]

It's an evacuation.

[Tom Segura]

It's an evacuation.

[Kevin Ryan]

You got a dump?

[Tom Segura]

I have. And I could feel the gurgles. I know it's going to be explosive and I know it's going to be mostly liquid and it's going to be cold.

[H. Foley]

And if I were to make it.

[Tom Segura]

Out of the house, I might not make it. And if I was like, I'll just use the bathroom here, she would hear and smell like catastrophe. Right?

[H. Foley]

I've done that.

[Tom Segura]

So I did this thing, I was like, I gotta, I'm telling her as my body's telling me, you have to shit in less than three minutes. I'm like, I gotta go study. We have a test tomorrow. And she meanwhile is like putting moves.

[H. Foley]

On, throwing it at you.

[Tom Segura]

So she's kind of like, really? I'm like, yeah. I just. It's an early one and I really gotta study, you know, but I would, I wish I could stay.

[H. Foley]

And I have to go have explosive diarrhea with a boner.

[Tom Segura]

I cross the courtyard, I take a shit. As I'm shitting the guys in the. The shared. They go, what the is going on in there? Right? Cause they can hear it. And I'm like, dude, this is. They're like, they' like laughing and like people are howling about this that I in theory was gonna take at her place. Yeah, right.

[H. Foley]

Devastated.

[Tom Segura]

So I just, I clean up. I'm like, that was the worst of My life. And it doesn't even occur to me to go back after that. I'm like, I'm too, you know, exhausted. And the next day, her friends are like, you're a really special guy. I was like, what? They're like, we heard that you were like, you didn't want to move too fast. And I was like, yeah, yeah. Trying to take my time with her. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Take my time with her.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I don't want to rush into things. I'm just a. I'm just.

[H. Foley]

That happened to me. I woke up, went home with a nice lady from a bar. A bit of a bruiser at the time. This is like, I'm. I'm a bigger guy at the time. Drinking rum and Cokes all night.

[Tom Segura]

Nice Bacardi's.

[H. Foley]

It's probably. Well, whatever it was, man, that'll grease the wheel, dude. I was. I had like 15 cokes.

[Kevin Ryan]

Throw a bacon, egg and cheese on top of that.

[H. Foley]

Me and her probably split cheese fries on the way home or something.

[Kevin Ryan]

Dude, hot tea.

[Tom Segura]

Did you there?

[H. Foley]

Oh, dude. Did I there. I woke up. Like, woke up hit me, right? And you're like, it's like 6:00 in the morning or whatever. I go, I'm. I'm not making it. Down the. Out of the hall, down the stairs to the street. I'm like, this is. This is killer be killed. And the bathroom. I'm like, oh, where's the bathroom? She's like, right. The next door, next share a. Share a wall. I get in there, dude, and it's like as bad as you can imagine. I had to turn the shower on. And she's like, rob baseball playing there. And I'm just like, oh, this dirt bag. Let me get. I went back and laid down next to her afterwards, Brown, I'm gonna suck your dick. As me to her.

[Tom Segura]

I heard one time I was at a girl's place and the other. They had roommates. And I heard the girl take just her morning growler.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, it was like a horrendous.

[Tom Segura]

Horrendous. Dude, we were.

[Kevin Ryan]

We were in Cleveland last week and we were sitting, having breakfast at the hotel and there was a table behind us and I had my back to them. And we're sitting there, we're talking whatever at breakfast. All of a sudden I hear like. Like a caveman burp. I turn around, it's the guy's chick.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. And she's like, excuse me.

[Kevin Ryan]

Goes right back to her. Eggs Benedict.

[H. Foley]

I would have divorced.

[Kevin Ryan]

God damn. But that's good. We can be Comfortable around each other.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. That's pretty wild.

[Kevin Ryan]

I went and take turns taking dogs. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

And it wasn't even, like, she didn't do, like, the lady thing of, oh, my God. Like, she was just like, my bad.

[Kevin Ryan]

These grits are good.

[Tom Segura]

Jeez. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right, well, we got that straightened out.

[H. Foley]

There you go. Get to the bottom of it.

[Kevin Ryan]

I think. I think that's a strong enough authority on it. Sure. So I can poop in your master bedroom.

[Tom Segura]

I'm allowing it.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's good to know.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. But again, it's based on our relationship.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[H. Foley]

Your relationship. Now, obviously, we're. We're friends. We're acquaintances. We're peers.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

You know?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Is that. Is that okay now he's there where we pop by the house?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, for sure.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, Christina's another issue. I don't know what she's gonna say.

[Kevin Ryan]

But what we know about her, I think she'd be okay with it.

[Tom Segura]

Y. Also be okay with it.

[Kevin Ryan]

She.

[H. Foley]

Everybody says that in theory. You've never been on the business end of it.

[Tom Segura]

That's true.

[H. Foley]

It's tough, buddy. I've written shotgun for a couple of these journeys. It ain't good.

[Kevin Ryan]

You might have to repaint. It gets into the walls, dude.

[Tom Segura]

Well, yeah. On your guys. I watched that. Your. Your hour special.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

The Route 66 was very funny. And you had that. The best is you just playing it off nonchalantly.

[Kevin Ryan]

Little issue.

[Tom Segura]

Is this the trash here? Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Zoz.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Got me all jammed up.

[Tom Segura]

Are you on anything now?

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm on naltroxone right now.

[Tom Segura]

What's that?

[H. Foley]

It's for drug ethics.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[H. Foley]

He's all, dude, I made him go see it. I asked him and, you know, I encouraged him to go see a therapist. I wasn't really doing much after six months.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Characters see a psychiatrist. That guy gives him everything but roller skates. And now the pills are making them crazy easier. I can't get a read on it, dude. I'm at my wits end.

[Tom Segura]

What is it called? Naltroxin.

[Kevin Ryan]

Naltroxone. I could be saying it wrong.

[Tom Segura]

What is it?

[Kevin Ryan]

It's an anti opioid, but they have secondary uses for it for. For overeating.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Not really working. No, no, but it takes. He said it takes a while to set it. We're gonna give it another month.

[H. Foley]

It's been three years to see if.

[Kevin Ryan]

It really gets in there.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Because the Ozempics and the. The GLP1s, we're. We're not really jiving. With my. With my system.

[Tom Segura]

Got it. Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

And like I was telling him before, my issue is something else. It's not just a. Ozempic is not going to fix long term. What is wrong with it doesn't hurt.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[H. Foley]

No one. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You have to.

[H. Foley]

True.

[Tom Segura]

The. The root cause, not just the symptoms.

[Kevin Ryan]

Which is something I've been learning in therapy.

[Tom Segura]

Therapy helps with that. Right.

[Kevin Ryan]

100 I. The things that I thought were the problem are actually a symptom of what. What the problem is.

[Tom Segura]

Got it. That's great. That's progress, man.

[Kevin Ryan]

Thank you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Thank you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Keep going.

[H. Foley]

I've been throwing that in everyone's face. Now anytime there's an issue. This is actually just a symptom of the. But we got a flat tire. There's a. This is a symptom of a bigger problem. Say shut the up.

[Kevin Ryan]

Turns out it wasn't the cheesesteak egg rolls. All right, let's get into it.

[H. Foley]

Let's. Let's get into it. We had some of the guys, as you know, when you joined Patreon, you get to answer your garbage question on air. Being that he's Tommy Buns. A little bit of king of stories story man.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Kevin Ryan]

And very classy. Put through the ringer multiple times. Still comes up.

[H. Foley]

Classy, huh? We had. We asked for some. Some shorter stories. Garbage stories from people.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

And you can weigh in on those. This is from Justin. When I was about six, I swore at my parents. My dad drove me to an empty industrial area and pointed at a fenced in section and said this was the cage for the swear house. He told me I had an older brother, Dustin at one time and they traded him to the swearhouse because he cursed too much and they would do the same to me if I kept swearing.

[Tom Segura]

That's.

[Kevin Ryan]

Talk about the symptom of the problem.

[H. Foley]

Jesus Christ.

[Tom Segura]

That's real crazy. Yeah, dude, your dad is.

[Kevin Ryan]

I never thought about that. To say you had an older brother. But we killed him.

[H. Foley]

I mean, dude, that's trauma. Big time.

[Tom Segura]

Traumatizing. Dude. I would like to know what else happened in this guy's life.

[H. Foley]

He ended up being a fan of this show.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, I mean, definitely some viance and.

[Tom Segura]

That'S that him up.

[H. Foley]

Oh, that's tough. Do you have. Obviously you have some kids that are, you know, you've probably said they're a bit of rabble rousers.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[H. Foley]

My wife's having the thing of you on the tonight show going over the.

[Kevin Ryan]

Text, destroying the construction site.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, she's like, is this a joke? I'm like, no, that is, that's real. His kids.

[Tom Segura]

That's for real.

[H. Foley]

Do you have any kind of empty threat or have you had any sort of empty threats like that?

[Tom Segura]

Dude, you know what's crazy is cuz.

[H. Foley]

It seems like you're talking to two dudes when you, when you tell the story.

[Tom Segura]

When I, if I get real pissed off, like really mad, and I'm like, knock it off. The younger one laughs because he thinks it's funny to see this type of emotion. And I'm like, I'm serious. He's like, he's like. He starts laughing and you can't help but laugh. And then the older one has done this thing where I'm like. Like one time, dude, he was doing like some painting shit in the kitchen and then he went downstairs and he put his hands on the wall, right? So he put paint on the wall. And I was like, hey, what the fuck, man? And I start getting like all fired up at him and he's like, hey, hey. He goes, I'm a kid, okay? You don't need to talk to me like that. And I go, what? He goes, just talk to me normal, don't yell. And I'm like, well, what are you doing? He goes, I just. My brain told me to put it on the wall and I just did it. And I'm like, okay, tell your brain.

[H. Foley]

Not to do it.

[Tom Segura]

Not to do that. He's like, all I need is you to talk to me in a calm voice. And I'm like, okay. So like it throws you off and then you realize that you're being, you know, like too much. But I haven't had, like, I haven't.

[H. Foley]

Obviously. Take him to areas if you want.

[Tom Segura]

No, no, nothing.

[Kevin Ryan]

Take him out of the desert and leave him there for a couple hours.

[H. Foley]

Did your dad yell? Your dad was a calm. It seemed to be a stern but calmer man.

[Tom Segura]

He was, he wasn't really a big screamer. Yeah, I wasn't really a big screamer.

[Kevin Ryan]

I think this is more of what I relate this to is when I was a kid, if I was being real bad, my mom would give me the empty threat. But I didn't realize at the time of sending me to St. Michael's or St. Gabe's the home for boys. I'm gonna have the people. There was a couple of times where like we were in the kitchen, she pretended to be on the phone with this like Wayward House for boys.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Called St. Michael's and that guys were gonna come and get me. Me and take me to live there.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Your dad. Do your parents do anything like.

[H. Foley]

No.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, my mom's a third worlder. Don't forget that. So she would do, like, one time, me and my cousin learned all these Spanish curse words. So we were yelling them, and so our two mothers, like, my mom and her sister, grabbed us. Brian's mom spanked him, and he cried, and my mom spanked me, and I laughed. And then because I laughed, she was like. She took her. She had nails. She took it. My forearm squeezed, pinched, and twisted till blood came out. And I was like, ah. And she was like, I have to do something.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, you psychopath.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, I had that before my mom did that.

[Tom Segura]

I remember the pinch and twist. And I also remember that one of my cousins. Because when you have, like, English as a second language parent, they don't grasp all the little things.

[Kevin Ryan]

She.

[Tom Segura]

My cousin told my mom that I said crap and that that was a curse word. And instead of my mom, like, knowing that's not like a real curse.

[Kevin Ryan]

Gotcha.

[Tom Segura]

She shoved the bar soap in my mouth.

[H. Foley]

I've had.

[Tom Segura]

And I was like, what the. And then I had. My dad had to come home, be like, oh, that's not a bad word. And she was like, oh, sorry.

[H. Foley]

Sorry. Cool.

[Tom Segura]

Cool.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, I've seen it too. Because, like, we. I come from a very yelly family, and my brother yells a lot. And then, like, my nephew's now at the age where it's like, oh, yell. My brother. My nephew will just roll his eyes. I'm like, yeah, you've lost. You've lost all its power.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

You can't yell all, every day. And it'd be like the worst thing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. If my dad yelled, it was like a big deal. He wasn't a big yeller.

[Kevin Ryan]

Scary.

[H. Foley]

Mine was.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember one time he got. He got the phone call that my older sister had gotten a crazy speeding ticket. And she was doing 105 and a 55.

[Kevin Ryan]

Jesus Christ.

[Tom Segura]

And he was. He was at his dresser and he pulled the dresser out of the wall. It was like a built in. Because he was like, God damn it. And he just. The whole thing came out of the wall. We were like, oh, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

105.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

What kind of car was she in?

[Tom Segura]

Honda Accord.

[Kevin Ryan]

They'll do it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Those things was zip.

[Tom Segura]

And her explanation, she goes. I was dancing and I lost track.

[H. Foley]

Of, like, to a good song.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. She was like. I was just like, that's the last.

[H. Foley]

Thing you want to be doing at 105? Dancing.

[Kevin Ryan]

Damn.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Pretty cool, man.

[Kevin Ryan]

That takes the cake.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, that's. That's pretty good.

[Kevin Ryan]

We're not topping that. That's psycho.

[H. Foley]

All right, let's see. This one's from Alex. Long time ten dollar cover under brother. Undercover Brother here. My mom, who works for Comcast and had four boys, would drive us around the neighborhood and have us shout out addresses that had dish satellites. She would then write down the addresses, take them to work, find their phone number, and go sell them cable.

[Tom Segura]

Damn.

[H. Foley]

She did a fantastic job of making it a game when years later, I found out that we could afford daycare, she used that opportunity for us to make more money for us. That's a fucking single mom.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, dude. I mean, that's crazy. That is really crazy. I also respect the hustle.

[Kevin Ryan]

Me too. That's.

[H. Foley]

That's a woman making it work.

[Kevin Ryan]

Go around spot and satellite satellites.

[Tom Segura]

Write the address down, get the name cold call them, and now we can target people.

[Kevin Ryan]

Holy.

[H. Foley]

That's.

[Kevin Ryan]

So she did that as a two part system. One to make money and one to not have to put the kids in daycare.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Yes. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Whoa.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I mean, she taught them a lot with that, you know, I mean, took away their childhood, but turned them into.

[H. Foley]

Door to door businessmen.

[Kevin Ryan]

But definitely, that's like going around if your dad. I can't remember what movie it was. The dad owned a glass business and he would send the kids around and throw rocks in the windows at the storefront to break the windows so he.

[Tom Segura]

Could sell the windows.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, it's great. That's a move, right?

[Tom Segura]

That's a real cool thing to do.

[H. Foley]

That's like a. That's like a big old. I mean, I'm sure in other cities too, but in Philly, they would always talk about if you called a roofer, they would go up on the roof because they're all like. All the row homes are connected. They'd go like three roofs over and just drill holes. And then they'd be like, oh, your roof's leak. And then after the rain, they'd go and knock. Hey, I know people are. Have leaky roofs. We just drew, you know, I drew your neighbors.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know if yours. You know, it's funny you say that.

[Kevin Ryan]

We got.

[H. Foley]

Please say that. Yeah, I mean, we used to do that. I worked. I did. I sold door to door home improvements. And we'd go and like, if we were doing a, you know, a job on Mockingbird Lane, we go walk around the neighborhood hey, we're doing a job on your neighbor's house. We can give you a free estimate. And I mean, nobody. I mean, you are. You will walk onto someone's property. It's like, you're hated. They scream at you, get out of here.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[H. Foley]

We're calling the cops. And I just didn't give a.

[Tom Segura]

That would happen all the time.

[H. Foley]

Oh, yeah. The cops would come, kick you out of the neighborhood. You have to have canvassing passes in most places. Oh, you have to, like, file for a permit.

[Tom Segura]

That's in Philly, though.

[H. Foley]

That was. Yeah. In the tri state area. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Wow. So you can't just. That's soliciting.

[H. Foley]

Soliciting. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

You don't have anybody knocking on your door, right?

[Tom Segura]

No, I. I can't say that happens regularly. No. I mean, I've. It's happened before, but it's not any regular basis. No.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right.

[Tom Segura]

Does that happen to you here?

[Kevin Ryan]

No.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

The only thing that happens in the city is you get.

[H. Foley]

Those electric guys were pushing hard. They'd come. Once they deregulated the electric, it didn't have to be through Con Ed, all these. They would just say, send criminals to your door.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

And, like, not dressed, no badges, no nothing.

[Kevin Ryan]

And they'd say, hey, let me see your.

[H. Foley]

I'm here. I'm here for the electric company to see your power bill. And you're like, who the. You're. You're literally just a guy I saw on the subway five minutes ago.

[Tom Segura]

There was a guy that was. That wandered into our neighborhood, and one of the neighbors was like, hey, what are you doing? Like, didn't recognize guy. And the guy's like, I live here. And the neighbor was like, where? He's like, I live right over here. And he's like, no, you don't. He's like, yeah, I do. And he told the guy to leave. And he's like, don't come back. Like, if you come back, you know it's gonna be trespassing. So the guy comes back, and this time he walks into a house, makes a sandwich, finds a cigar, lights a cigar.

[H. Foley]

This guy's awesome.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then they go. Somebody goes to the house.

[H. Foley]

Like, who's just casually in the mood for a cigar?

[Tom Segura]

He answers. He answers. Answers the door with, like, half the sandwich and a cigar. He's like, what's up? And they're like, what are you doing? He's like, I live here. And they're like, no, you don't. This is not your house. So they ended. They had to call the cops. But he just went into someone's house and just was like, I live here. It's pretty great.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, the cigar and the sandwich is pretty convincing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I mean, I think the police should have been like, it was clearly.

[H. Foley]

Like, no, he's not rude enough to smoke in someone else's house.

[Tom Segura]

That's crazy.

[H. Foley]

That's sick. Real quick, gang, let's talk about one of my all time favorites, Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions. It monitors your spending and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Before they were a sponsor, it was the only way I've been able to save money. Otherwise I blow it. I'm bad with money and rocket money has 100% helped me and is the only reason I've been able to squirrel away a couple of bucks. It's a great place. You get to see all your subscriptions one place. Once you set it all up and you know exactly where your money's going, they send you a weekly thing. Hey, get ready. This, this thing of charges is coming up. You got this coming, this coming. And it puts all your subscriptions in one place where you're able to go, oh, I'm still paying for that. Get that out of here. I'm still paying for that. Get that out of here. It's fantastic. I was signed up to some Eastern European boxing stream that I signed up one time drunk and bada bing, bada boom, they were able to cancel it for me. Few clicks at a button. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when they use all the app's premium features. You can cancel all your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Download Rocket Money app and enter our our show name Ru Garbage in the survey so they know we sent you. You don't. Wait, download the Rocket Money app today and let them know the boy sent you from Are you garbage? Do it. Now back to the show.

[Tom Segura]

This episode is brought to you by Lifelock. Not everyone is careful with your personal information, which might explain why there's a victim of Identity theft every five seconds in the U.S. fortunately, there's LifeLock. Lifelock monitors hundreds of millions of data points a second for threats to your identity. If your identity is stolen, a US based restoration specialist will fix it, guaranteed or your money back. Save up to 40% your first year by visiting lifelock.com podcast terms apply.

[H. Foley]

God damn. I was telling them I got a. I got a call from the. The town of the house that I. I live in, from the police department.

[Kevin Ryan]

Set it on the call.

[H. Foley]

It said, police department, local number. I answered, and I'm like, what? I had. I had a leak. So I had people working there. I'm like, the house burnt to something or like, they got in a fight. Something or someone broke in or something. I answer, and it's an Indian guy. And I'm like, He's like, oh, yeah, affidavit. He's dropping legal jargon on me. And he's like, do you know anybody in California? I'm like, yeah. What does this pertain to?

[Kevin Ryan]

I got a couple people in Hollywood.

[H. Foley]

Netflix, want to turn my call.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm a mover and shaker.

[H. Foley]

I've always said I'm a tubi man. I. Yeah. He's like, dropping. He's like, affidavit and post office. He's trying to credit. And I'm like, what the. Can I talk to a police officer? Now? I'm starting. I'm like, this is.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

I'm like, can I talk to a police officer? And he's like, yeah, one second. He transferred me to another Indian guy. And I'm like, all right, that's a good hustle. All right. I'm like, dude, the Indians. The Indian call center should just get even if it's a Russian guy or someone to fake in English and American voice. Just fake it a little bit. I'd go, oh, yeah, you're clearly a cop.

[Tom Segura]

And it said police on.

[H. Foley]

It said police department. And it is. It was the actual police department number. Like, we hung up. I had Luke goo. I'm like. I was on the phone. I'm like, luke, Google this. He's like, that's the police department.

[Tom Segura]

That's impressive.

[H. Foley]

Crazy.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's so easy for people across the pond to do the American accent. Figure it the fuck out.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, just do it, man. Yeah, learn the accent.

[Kevin Ryan]

Our Batman, British. You can't fake a Jersey accent.

[Tom Segura]

He could have gotten you if he did.

[H. Foley]

Oh, my God. I would have been like, dude, yeah, what the do you need? Like, I don't know.

[Kevin Ryan]

We were all tense in the car. We knew what was going on. We were tense in the car.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

We just need your social to wrap this up.

[H. Foley]

Well, I'm also to the point where I remember we were talking about. I was. We were trying to take a loan out for the van. We got. We got the van.

[Kevin Ryan]

Got the van.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Remember, we Were talking about the van.

[Tom Segura]

And you were advised not to. I remember that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Who listened to the show? And I got a text, you know, he's like, you stop trashing me.

[Kevin Ryan]

Love you, big guy.

[Tom Segura]

This is your business manager. What do you think when you got.

[H. Foley]

The van, was he like, he was fine with that? Yeah, he was fine with it. He's just like, well, you know, it's. Whatever. It's fine.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

I'm a grown man. I can do what I want.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[H. Foley]

He thinks we're idiots. Yeah, he thinks. I mean, none of his other. None of his other superstar clients are like, I want a conversion, man. Yeah. They're, like, buying jets and stuff. I'm getting denied loans for a conversion fan.

[Kevin Ryan]

And I'm pretty sure I'm the only client of his that calls and says, hey, when's the payment dropping? Is that going through this week or next week?

[Tom Segura]

Did.

[H. Foley]

He calls me. He calls me like, we're getting paid by the government. He'll be like, you get your payment yet, dude? I haven't gotten mine yet. I'm like, I don't know when it comes.

[Tom Segura]

Is it the first?

[Kevin Ryan]

Supposed to be the 14th, sometimes it's the 17th, sometimes at the 11th.

[H. Foley]

One time I got it and he didn't. And he was. He was saying something like, yeah, well, the payment came in today. He's like, what, are you kidding me?

[Kevin Ryan]

He thought.

[H. Foley]

I thought we were robbing him.

[Tom Segura]

How'd that go? Did it get settled pretty quickly?

[H. Foley]

Yeah, it's just a text. Hey, I didn't get it or whatever.

[Kevin Ryan]

I forget that it's our money. I feel like he's loaning it to me.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's hilarious.

[Kevin Ryan]

You could help I get it back to you.

[H. Foley]

You're going to need all this at one time, buddy. But my credit's so bad that it's building back up. I'm at, like, 700. I fluctuate between, like, high sixes, low seven. I can't really break 705. That's my ceiling.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. It's not horrible.

[H. Foley]

It's not horrible. But he's like, you get better rates or whatever. Like, you got. We got to improve this. You know what I mean? So he goes, I gotta. He goes, trust me. I got a guy. This guy can do anything. He'll take a bomb. I'll take a bomb and get him a mansion. This guy can do anything. Guy got back to him like, yeah, shit's too up. Yeah, he's got judgments and delinquents.

[Kevin Ryan]

You didn't just buy A van. Did you.

[Tom Segura]

How's yours?

[Kevin Ryan]

What?

[H. Foley]

It's good.

[Kevin Ryan]

The van?

[Tom Segura]

No, the credit good?

[Kevin Ryan]

No, no. Six something.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

You're around seven? Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, I went down a little bit.

[Tom Segura]

You went down?

[H. Foley]

Well, I gotta be honest, when we started this, we didn't have a credit card. I got my first credit card while this show was happening with a $200 credit limit.

[Tom Segura]

For real?

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That was your first credit card?

[H. Foley]

First credit card.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't have a bank account.

[Tom Segura]

Ever?

[Kevin Ryan]

No.

[H. Foley]

Off the grid.

[Kevin Ryan]

I didn't. I didn't have like an active bank account. The only bank account I got started a Navy Federal account.

[H. Foley]

Real rags to riches story.

[Kevin Ryan]

Holy shit.

[H. Foley]

So having a van is a pretty big.

[Kevin Ryan]

I got started a Navy Federal account when I was a kid that had five bucks in it. For most of my life, I never used it. Throughout certain eras of my dirtbagness, I would have like a TD account for a minute. I would overdraft it. I would have to pay it back, close that account.

[H. Foley]

So certain agencies started looking, snooping around for fun.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. The last few years, all my. Anything that I got a check, I would take it to a check cashing place and cash it. So it wasn't until we started this where I was able to open up, carry a balance. Yes. Open up my Navy Federal account and start doing that stuff.

[Tom Segura]

And then you. You have like savings and investments and all that too now.

[Kevin Ryan]

What's that?

[Tom Segura]

Sorry, did your guy make like.

[H. Foley]

No, he said. He says I got to get another guy for that.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, okay. Okay.

[H. Foley]

Like a finance.

[Kevin Ryan]

I got an Acorns account.

[Tom Segura]

Nice. That's a good start.

[H. Foley]

Me too. I took it all out before the market crashed. Nice. No, I like.

[Tom Segura]

Cash on hand's good.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

They say. Well. Was it Luke? Luke's our. Luke's our new. Luke's our rich guy. He grew up with money, so we. We. You know, he. Connecticut. I bought bitcoin once and so he's our financial advisor, which I don't think, but what they say 9010 should be crypto. Like if you have crypto. If you're heavy into crypto, you should still be only about 10% of the portfolio mine. 100.

[Tom Segura]

100.

[H. Foley]

I'm all crypto all the time.

[Tom Segura]

You're all crypto? For real?

[H. Foley]

I'm bitcoin and xrp, baby.

[Kevin Ryan]

I got it all in Hawaiian shirts.

[H. Foley]

Shit by the gun, died by the.

[Tom Segura]

How great? How great's the van?

[Kevin Ryan]

Awesome.

[H. Foley]

But, buddy, we're. We're done flying. I think it's that comfortable. It's like executive level comfort. Better than sprinter. Like the nicest sprinter you could get. That's like how nice it is on the inside.

[Tom Segura]

Comfortable chairs.

[H. Foley]

Better than first class.

[Kevin Ryan]

We just did an episode from it.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, we just, we drove out to Pittsburgh. We could have flown. But I was just like, ah, fuck it. Let's just see what a seven hour drive is. And it's great. You're hanging, you're all together, you're laughing. It's fucking. It's a good time.

[Tom Segura]

Nice.

[H. Foley]

I'm all bust.

[Kevin Ryan]

Seat belts a little tight in the front.

[Tom Segura]

I get that. Yeah, yeah.

[H. Foley]

That was. I was about a 15 minute. I'm not. I get that I'm bigger, but this seatbelt is short.

[Kevin Ryan]

It should be bigger for. I mean, big boys drive conversion vans.

[Tom Segura]

That's true. It is a big man's vehicle. Yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

And you're giving me this fucking medium seat belt. It's cutting into my neck. We got into an accident. I get decapitated.

[Tom Segura]

Can you, can you get it redone? Can you get like a different seatbelt in there maybe?

[H. Foley]

We're not doing mods to the hundred thousand dollar fucking van.

[Kevin Ryan]

I think you should get a seatbel extender on there. I should get one of those roller coaster things.

[Tom Segura]

Hell yeah, dude. You can make that. All right.

[H. Foley]

Also, I've updated for the van in very ayg Bozo fashion. We buy the van, not cash. I took out a loan, Right. Making the monthly payments. We get it and it's got leaks all in it. It's got five leaks. Cuz I didn't know they cut the top of that. They take like a work van.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Cut the top off of it and then like retrofit the van.

[Tom Segura]

I didn't know that.

[H. Foley]

Neither did I. So now it's because it's like sunroof and like all windows at the top. So that leaked. So we had it for a day and it was fucking. We had. This is like a monsoon. Yeah, it was leaking every which.

[Tom Segura]

So did the place take?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, they took care of the whole thing.

[H. Foley]

Shout out Fred Beans.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

I didn't deal with Fred directly. I'm not Tom Segora.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. That's an unbelievable. Unbelievable.

[H. Foley]

We just can't win, man. We're just born losers, which I'm all right with. You got to lean into it.

[Tom Segura]

You got to lean in hard.

[H. Foley]

It's working.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You guys are making money doing this.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah, we, yeah, we, you know, we, we were just talking. We Pinterest. I Was like very grateful. You know, we get to make whatever we want content wise and put it out and people like it. It's a good time. It's all right. Not. Not too bad. All right, let's switch back to the old Patreon here. This is from Jack Went down to Paradise. GR Delaware. Can't be good. And convinced this bachelorette party that me and my two boys were all college. Hockey all stars. He spelled college wrong. We were 18. No, C, O, L, L, A, G, E. Oh, collage. Yeah, collage. Hockey all stars. We were 18 and my buddy was about to take this 40 year old home until his mom showed up and told the whole bachelorette party that we were seniors in high school.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[H. Foley]

That's a.

[Kevin Ryan]

Talk about a block.

[H. Foley]

That is a thing when you are that age. Because I remember we must have been like 19 and we went to Myrtle Beach.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

And we went. And it was our spring break and it was off. It was different than everybody else's spring break, so there was no college kids down there. And we were at the hotel bar hanging out with like four girls who were like 42 years old. And we were all like, this could be the coolest night of our lives.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

These old fucking sun kisses. Just googers. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's not too bad.

[Kevin Ryan]

My. My mom did that to me once. She blocked me. This was years and years ago. Yeah, I was in college.

[H. Foley]

Weird if it was soon.

[Kevin Ryan]

We had a. We had a wedding and I was dating someone at the time and met this girl at the wedding. Whatever. We were at like the after thing, you know, at like my cousin's house. And we ended up like out in the backyard or whatever, smooching and all that kind of. My mom came out.

[Tom Segura]

What are you doing?

[H. Foley]

You have a girlfriend.

[Kevin Ryan]

Get inside.

[H. Foley]

Oh, Blew up my spot. Did you have a girlfriend?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

You two, timing.

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[H. Foley]

Dude, that's up.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That's kind of unforgivable for mom.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Very, very pissed.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm a grown man. What are you doing? You're disgusting. Get in the car. Grab me out by my ear.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's a bummer.

[H. Foley]

That's a tough one to bounce back from.

[Tom Segura]

I had a friend do it once. Once that was like.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

We were in Boston and this was like right at like just out of college. And he and his girlfriend were in the car. And then I was in the car with one of his cousins and her friend.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

And I was in the back and they were both getting handsy. Nice on the ride back to their place, and then I was like. I got out with them, and he was like, no, no, no, man. Like, you can't. Don't do that. I was like, what? He's like, it's my cousin. I'm like, you don't even talk to this cousin. He's like, no, but, you know, just don't. Don't.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wait. Could it have been a threesome situation? What the. You can't do that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I still remind him of it all the time.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He's like, I don't really remember.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, that's one forget.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, that's up.

[Tom Segura]

You threw a wrench in there.

[Kevin Ryan]

One on one, I could maybe see it. But when you have an opportunity for.

[Tom Segura]

That, don't do a threesome with my cousin and her friend. I'm like, cool.

[H. Foley]

I. I mean, Tom, you're welcome. At a family party, anything.

[Kevin Ryan]

Just don't do it in the master bedroom.

[Tom Segura]

Just not the master. Yeah, it was real bummer, man.

[Kevin Ryan]

Would that cross the line?

[Tom Segura]

What's that?

[Kevin Ryan]

If. If you were having a party and. And. And me and my wife disappeared, and we were up there doing it in your. In your bed.

[H. Foley]

That seems crazy as adult.

[Tom Segura]

Seems crazy.

[H. Foley]

Like, go get a hotel room.

[Tom Segura]

I literally would be like, there's other rooms you can do this in, dude. You don't have to do it on my bed. Yeah, that's crazy.

[H. Foley]

Would you be upset if it was in one of the guest rooms?

[Tom Segura]

Very much less. I think that's fine.

[H. Foley]

It's just odd. That's odd behavior.

[Kevin Ryan]

Would you ask us to leave the party?

[Tom Segura]

No, no, no. I'd be like, dude, you're a animal.

[Kevin Ryan]

But just like, Tommy went in on this.

[Tom Segura]

It's just not.

[H. Foley]

You want to get that threesome finally?

[Tom Segura]

Not on my bed.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. That's insane.

[Kevin Ryan]

I got your clothes on.

[Tom Segura]

It's crazy. It's crazy. You wouldn't want someone on your bed, of course.

[Kevin Ryan]

Not a doubt.

[Tom Segura]

Come on.

[H. Foley]

Not.

[Kevin Ryan]

You know, especially me. Break the slats on that thing.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God. I'd pay to watch. Yeah, I really would.

[H. Foley]

Just from a physics standpoint, I just.

[Tom Segura]

Want to see it. Yeah. Don't you want to watch other people?

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Yeah, Yeah. I mean, me, not you. Pernell, Luke, and Tom. I wouldn't mind. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Because here's the thing is, like, we're so used to seeing the pros doing it, and, you know, you don't look like that. Oh, you know, it's not good. I'm sure it's awful. What I look like I'm.

[H. Foley]

I'm shocked that my wife has ever let me have sex with her.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's crazy.

[H. Foley]

She's a attractive woman, and it's like. It's brutal.

[Tom Segura]

She keeps saying yes.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. She let me impregnate her too.

[Kevin Ryan]

I look like an octopus on a Runway. Have it say it's bad. It's just flapping around. No good.

[Tom Segura]

I wanna that. If that's on the Patreon, I'm signing up.

[H. Foley]

Dude, that's a 20 level. Yeah. How much would you. Would you pay him to see? Would you be like, I'll give you ten grand? Because he's probably. You could. Listen, you could probably get him for about eight. Eight and a half. Just tell him it's the payment. I'll withhold the payment.

[Tom Segura]

Payment's coming. If I did all cash, I get a better deal on all cash.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure. Wait to watch me have sex.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Huh. I'll jerk off for you.

[Tom Segura]

Jesus.

[Kevin Ryan]

500. 500,000.

[Tom Segura]

What would your lady say, though?

[Kevin Ryan]

She.

[Tom Segura]

What?

[Kevin Ryan]

Are you nuts? She'd divorce me.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, okay. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. She'd be out.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

We have to find another split. The eight Cranes.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'd have to call your buddy's cousin.

[Tom Segura]

What if you called her and you were like, hey, how do you. What do you feel about five, $5,000 cash today? And she's like, for what? You're like, just let my friend watch us have sex.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, she wouldn't.

[Tom Segura]

She would not. She'd be like, no, I think I'd.

[H. Foley]

Have to step in for five grand.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, and then you go, oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. 75. He just said 7.

[H. Foley]

500.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. She probably wouldn't do it for a billion.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, Jesus.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

One of those.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. Just too much dignity.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

What's the number?

[Tom Segura]

For you to have people watch.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Who's watching?

[H. Foley]

Me and him.

[Tom Segura]

The two of you?

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Well, it's kind of weird. I know. Your wife, too.

[Tom Segura]

I know. I don't know, man.

[H. Foley]

Because you have a good amount, so it's really got to move the needle, you know what I mean? You're not doing it for, like, 50 grand.

[Kevin Ryan]

Three million, cash.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yes. And now we can't go less. You already threw it out there.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. That Chuck's gonna bounce. Joke's on you. I've already taken a dump in the master bedroom. We're out the door.

[Tom Segura]

You start writing checks for crazy amounts, giving them to people.

[Kevin Ryan]

I got a sandwich and cigar in my hand.

[Tom Segura]

I live here.

[H. Foley]

All right, let's see here.

[Kevin Ryan]

Naughty There for a second.

[H. Foley]

Ayg after dark. This is from Cleveland depression. So a decade ago, we got my grandparents ancestry test. Never do that. Have these run down your family at all. All right, hold on. My grandpa took it and we were shocked to see where he was from. My stepdad. Does his. And the results come back not match at all. Anybody in the family. In fact, my stepdad matched the guy who was my grandpa's best friend.

[Kevin Ryan]

Whoa.

[H. Foley]

Now that we've discovered that she's been lying to everyone in town and we've shunned. And we're shunned from the whole family. Forget the. From all family gatherings for three years now.

[Tom Segura]

Now listen, this is all up.

[H. Foley]

It's let sleeping dogs lie. What? Why are we looking back at what happened in 1950?

[Kevin Ryan]

Wait, so what did they exactly find out? That the grandmother.

[Tom Segura]

That I think. Whoever they.

[H. Foley]

The grandpa. Yeah, the. Yeah. The grandfather was not. Was actually a product of the grandfather's best. No, his. I'm sorry. My stepdad was the son of his grandfather's best friend.

[Kevin Ryan]

Whoa.

[H. Foley]

But she was sleeping. Yeah, his grandmother was sleeping with the best friend.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

So why would he get shunned? He was.

[Tom Segura]

It just threw off the family dynamics.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. It's like everything's changed. No one's who you think they are anymore. No one can.

[Tom Segura]

There's real crazy stories like this.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

I don't understand.

[Kevin Ryan]

And that was so popular, like five years ago, six years ago, everybody.

[Tom Segura]

And the saddest thing is that it keeps catching killers. You know, like you get like these guys are like getting away with it, and then also a sudden some DNA jammed up gets you real jammed.

[Kevin Ryan]

Because that could. That could actually jam up you if you were the killer. But like, say your wife did it or somebody.

[Tom Segura]

That's exactly what.

[H. Foley]

No, they don't need your DNA. They need anyone in your.

[Tom Segura]

Anyone who has your.

[H. Foley]

That's how they got. What, the.

[Tom Segura]

The. The. The California.

[H. Foley]

The Golden State.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, the Golden State killer. No, the Golden State killer was caught that way.

[Kevin Ryan]

So that old guy in the wheelchair.

[Tom Segura]

The old guy, he. His, you know, like cousin, somebody.

[H. Foley]

It was like his nephew's kid or something. They go, it's a male on this side.

[Tom Segura]

And they kind of go, all right, well, here's all the possibilities. And then it's like, here's a male of this age who was in the.

[H. Foley]

Town at that time.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

So how does that get to the cops? So the cops automatically look at all those.

[Tom Segura]

Well, the cops. Like it's a. It's a thing where you know, there's privacy issues involved. Sometimes you have to have, like, supply warrants to. To go through information to access it. But, like, it is. Obviously, it's. It's helping catch people because you're. You're essentially expanding your.

[Kevin Ryan]

Your.

[Tom Segura]

Your database. Before you would go, hey, let's put it into the known convicted criminal database. And now you're putting it into a.

[H. Foley]

Everybody, like.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. So you can. If you have a shred of DNA, you can really. That helps you a long way if you can access this data.

[Kevin Ryan]

Plus, I read somewhere recently that they're, like, gonna sell all that stuff eventually.

[H. Foley]

BlackRock's buying it or something. Well, somebody. So one of them just follow. Filed for bankruptcy or something or something like that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, they got all that scooping.

[Tom Segura]

That's right. I think it was 23andMe.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. It's like the black rock owns all the land and the blood now.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Pretty cool.

[H. Foley]

Blackstone bought Ancestry.com history Blackstone.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Blackrock the grill. It's a different one. It's a different.

[Kevin Ryan]

No kidding.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yikes.

[Tom Segura]

All the blacks thought it was.

[Kevin Ryan]

Thought it was bad when they had your email. Now they got a cheek swab. Nope.

[Tom Segura]

That's pretty crazy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. I would never do that.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, that's why we did it one time. We're like, so die hard Irish Philly trash bags that, like, we did it, and it came back, like 4% French Canadian or something. And my uncle was like, no way. Not no bots of test. Like, all right, man, relax. Not that serious.

[Tom Segura]

You can't get mad at your DNA.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, I haven't met my family.

[Kevin Ryan]

I ain't French.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, that's queer.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's French Canadian too, man.

[Tom Segura]

I got a lot of French Canadian. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Dude, what. What is your breakdown?

[Tom Segura]

Well, it's because my dad's mother, her family is French Canadian, so his middle name was Nadeau, which is a family name.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wait, you didn't do the 23andMe, did you?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I did. I did it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, you did?

[Tom Segura]

I did do it. Yeah. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Whoa.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, I did it years ago. Like, I was like, oh, I want to know what this is, you know? And, yeah, I have a huge.

[Kevin Ryan]

Can't believe you're not in handcuffs.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. This is how you get caught.

[Tom Segura]

50% of my blood is, like, Iberian. Like, Spanish blood, because both of them have Spanish.

[H. Foley]

I didn't know your dad did, too.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah. So they both have Spanish roots. And then it was kind of. There was a. The thing. The big surprise for us was how much Irish and English blood there was really. But that's from. You know, that's like your bloodline.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Kind of getting mixed up here for generations.

[H. Foley]

Right?

[Tom Segura]

So.

[H. Foley]

Sure, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

We had a bunch.

[Kevin Ryan]

Goes all the way back. Back. Yeah. That stuff's no good, man.

[Tom Segura]

No good. Don't want to know.

[Kevin Ryan]

Don't want to know.

[H. Foley]

I don't want to know.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm Irish. I know I'm not Italian or something.

[Tom Segura]

But wouldn't that be crazy if you did the swab?

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, then I got ripped off because I got a little wiener.

[H. Foley]

What if you weren't that way?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, I know. I don't have any Italian in me. I'm all Irish, baby. Let me tell you top details.

[H. Foley]

Potato dick.

[Tom Segura]

You got a nice hog on you.

[H. Foley]

What?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know.

[H. Foley]

Don't you ever accuse that. Accuse me of that again. That's. I invite you here. I think we're friends.

[Kevin Ryan]

You've been talking to.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know. I was asking.

[H. Foley]

My wife said. Can you stop saying that? No, it's fine. I'm a grower. I mean.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[H. Foley]

It's like, not even.

[Tom Segura]

It's like I say the same thing whenever anyone sees my dick, which is. Believe me, it gets smaller.

[H. Foley]

It's.

[Tom Segura]

I have seen it get so goddamn small.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So. Yeah, it's a real growth.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. No, I'm. When it grows. I was actually. The other day, I caught myself in the mirror as I. I had grown. I was. I was pretty. I'd grown up. I was in a Cleveland hotel room by myself.

[Tom Segura]

And didn't you have one of those? Like, couldn't it be like. Why isn't it like this all the time?

[H. Foley]

Well, just give me half of this. Just give me. I like. It grows like a hundred X. You know what I mean?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's all blood flow.

[H. Foley]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

You take those D pills? No, never. You've never.

[Kevin Ryan]

The Blue Chews.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, of course.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Shout out to Bluechew.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. I love them.

[H. Foley]

I get hard too quick already.

[Tom Segura]

But here's the thing. It takes you to another level that you don't think you need or. Or want. And then you'll try it and you'll be like, oh, my God, it's like high school boners all over again. Like they're pointing at the ceiling.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

It's crazy.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'll take one when we do our video shoot.

[Tom Segura]

I would pay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Give you a good show.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you should take one just to see if. What your wife thinks.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

You hear that, babe?

[Kevin Ryan]

She's still Unimpressed thinking.

[Tom Segura]

Need more like this. It.

[Kevin Ryan]

Taking that wrong.

[H. Foley]

She's European. So her.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, where she from?

[H. Foley]

She's German.

[Tom Segura]

She's German.

[H. Foley]

She's Czech. German. She's. Yeah, her parents are Czech, but she was born and raised in Germany.

[Kevin Ryan]

Tough break.

[Tom Segura]

You saying I love you in German and all that stuff.

[H. Foley]

A little bit. My. I know my vocab's okay. That's about it.

[Tom Segura]

Really.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. I mean, like when I.

[Kevin Ryan]

What I was going to say grower, not a shower.

[Tom Segura]

I know.

[H. Foley]

It gets bigger. No, like if they're family. So I can track a conversation.

[Tom Segura]

That's good.

[H. Foley]

Pretty easy. That's pretty cool. But. Yeah, it's impossible to learn. There's certain words I just can't say.

[Tom Segura]

Such an intense language.

[H. Foley]

I mean, I've been living. I mean, we've been together like a decade. I've learned, I don't know, a hundred words.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

It's pretty good. You're multi. Multilingual.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Spanish. And then I've been. I've been taking Italian for a couple years now, so I do that on my own.

[H. Foley]

This guy's better than himself. We need to do.

[Tom Segura]

Do that.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's pretty good. Got the van.

[H. Foley]

Get you some new shirts.

[Tom Segura]

The van's a huge deal.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. There you go. You don't got a van.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's riding around in a Porsche.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Like a loser.

[Tom Segura]

That's true.

[Kevin Ryan]

How many cars do you have now?

[H. Foley]

We. I think we asked you this on the. On. On two Bears, maybe.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Did we?

[Tom Segura]

I think so.

[H. Foley]

I remember talking about it as of recent.

[Kevin Ryan]

Six.

[Tom Segura]

No, eight. No, I think like 10 or 12 or 13, something like that. Nice.

[H. Foley]

You got Matt. Is that. You know Matt?

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, we were talking about Matt smoking tires.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, Matt. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Matt's.

[H. Foley]

He's a man. He sent us watches. That's another. That's a. You know.

[Tom Segura]

Matt knows. What's up.

[H. Foley]

Two nice watches.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he knows watches and he really knows cars. I mean, he's really, really. He is like a encyclopedia. It's really crazy. Like, just off the dome. You just mentioned something. He knows everything from how that car was built. What the suspension is, the price, what it should be, how many miles are. You should sell it for, like. He knows all of it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Get my seatbelt fixed.

[Tom Segura]

He could get your seatbelt fixed immediately.

[Kevin Ryan]

There you go.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he would know who to call. Yeah, he knows the part number.

[H. Foley]

Fabric store or something.

[Kevin Ryan]

Raymore and Flanagan.

[H. Foley]

All right, let's see here. We got time for one more. This is. This is just funny. This is this says, when I was 8 to 10, my great. This is tough to track. When I was 8 to 10, my great grandpa lived in an old graveyard groundskeeper house. After the cemetery switched to a lawn care company. That's a lot in a sentence, but I guess it's still next to a cemetery. My mom would stop by to do drugs with him and I'd have to wait outside, so I'd wander around the graveyard. One time we visited after I watched Casper the Friendly Ghosts. So I walked around the graveyard reading headstones and trying to find kids my age to ask them to come play with me because I thought they'd be friendly.

[Kevin Ryan]

Holy shit.

[H. Foley]

I saw a group of kids hanging out on the other end of the cemetery who heard me talking. They thought I was a ghost, so they ran away. That's the saddest.

[Tom Segura]

It's so disturbing. This is so sad.

[H. Foley]

I was a fat kid with a rat tail and cargo sweatpants, so that didn't help.

[Kevin Ryan]

Give me your snacks.

[H. Foley]

That's brutal, dude.

[Tom Segura]

Holy. I mean, the other kids are more traumatized to this day.

[H. Foley]

They're all sitting around like, remember that.

[Tom Segura]

Ghost I know we saw?

[H. Foley]

That was a fat little dirt bag cast.

[Tom Segura]

Dirt bag ghost. Does it say the city he's in?

[H. Foley]

It doesn't. No. That's amazing.

[Kevin Ryan]

And wandering around a graveyard trying to look for kid ghosts to play with you.

[Tom Segura]

And is he. Is he, like, re. Is he doing the math on tombstones like this?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. He's like, well, it's probably looking for the year he was born. Yeah, yeah. Like, oh, that's, you know, 88. I'm 86. Holy man, your mom's inside doing drugs with your. What was it? Your great grandpa? Dude, that's an insane. I mean, we've heard a lot of.

[Tom Segura]

This is the. I gotta tell you, this is somebody I would follow up with. I feel like. Yeah, I think you need more.

[H. Foley]

Oh, we need. Right in. We need more story. And a picture of this groundskeeper house if you got it.

[Tom Segura]

Holy man, that's nuts.

[H. Foley]

But we gotta wrap it up, gang.

[Kevin Ryan]

What a home run. Mr. Segura, thank you so much for coming in and sitting down with us.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you, guys for having me.

[Kevin Ryan]

We love you. May 13th. Bad thoughts on Netflix. Absolutely fantastic.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Can't wait to see it. Congratulations.

[Tom Segura]

Appreciate you guys.

[Kevin Ryan]

We love you.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, man.

[Kevin Ryan]

And we appreciate you, Kippy.

[H. Foley]

What do you got for them guys? The car game, available at rugarbage. Com. Get them. They're shipping within a day or two, and they're moving quick. We love you.

[Kevin Ryan]

See you next week. Peace, Peace.