Stoner Thoughts w/ Luis J. Gomez!

Summary

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Are You Garbage? – “Stoner Thoughts w/ Luis J. Gomez!”

April 9, 2026
Hosts: Kevin Ryan (“KJ”) & H. Foley
Guest: Luis J. Gomez

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Episode Overview

In this raucously candid and hilarious episode, comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan welcome long-time friend and fan-favorite Luis J. Gomez back to the Are You Garbage? hot seat—this time, on his birthday and undoubtedly very stoned. The gang uses their signature rapid-fire style to grill Luis on whether he’s become more or less “garbage” since his last appearance, with classic AYG questions and plenty of new, off-the-cuff tangents. They touch on everything from sleepover chaos and strip club etiquette to the nuances of airport upgrades and household hygiene. The laughs are constant as the guys swap stories, roast each other, and reaffirm—emphatically—that Luis remains, without a doubt, GARBAGE.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Stoned State & Public Declarations

• Luis’s Stoned Return: Luis arrives very high, admitting he recently fell off the weed wagon after quitting at Christmas but relapsed on a trip with his team to Mexico.
  • [02:19, Luis:] "But no, I'm gonna be. I'm gonna be sober again. But you. You're getting. It's rare, but you're getting a very stoned. I like bluish eggs."
• Self-improvement and Accountability:
  • Luis admits he constantly publicly declares goals (e.g., not being fat by October) so others hold him accountable.
    • [02:44, Luis:] "If I'm not declaring things publicly, then I can't hold myself accountable. I need the fans and my friends..."

2. Garbage Game Show & Hilarious Banter

• The crew quickly gets back to their classic Are You Garbage? “test,” ribbing each other and riffing on trashy habits and past experiences.
• Birthday Present: The hosts present Luis with a tongue-in-cheek “trashy girlfriend” joke gift, leading to classic ribbing about Bucks County hair salons and girlfriend “trashy” credentials.
  • [04:17, Kevin (re: Luis's girlfriend):] "She should be cutting hair in Bucks county somewhere. That's all we had in stock, now available in the store."

3. Hair Loss & "Turkey Thing"

• Comedy on Hair Restoration: They poke fun at hair transplants in Turkey, with Luis sharing that he opts to shave his head instead of going the “turkey thing” route.
  • [05:00, Luis:] "That was somebody who's peripherally heard the word turkey and hair, like conversations that other people had, but he never locked into really what it was."

4. High School, Notable Alumni, and Small-Town Pride

• Luis laments not being a Wikipedia-listed notable alum from his high school—North Rockland High School—while “Flo, the Progressive Lady,” and a neoconceptualist artist are.
  • [07:18, Luis:] "That's infuriating because I'm not. And there is one more notable alumni..."
• Ribbed for his alma mater’s lack of famous graduates (except Flo).

5. Trash-Class Hybrids: Cars, Pools & Valet Rituals

• Car Buying and Classy Moves: Luis details his journey from Audi to Acura, totaling the former, then getting both blacked-out and ultimately ending up with two cars. He jokes that “having two cars for no reason” makes him feel classy, as does spending big on gym memberships and premier boarding status (which he admits to faking at times).
  • [15:59, Luis:] "I bought a second car for no reason."
  • [18:05, Luis:] "I need a different car. I'm sick of driving around a shitty car. I haven't been in any accidents. It's been 13 months."
• Saltwater Pool Upgrade: The new house comes with a pool, now upgraded to heated saltwater—much more “classy” than his used mattress childhood.
  • [58:21, Luis:] "We're opening the pool right now. I'm converting it into a heated salt water water pool as we speak."

6. Trash Confessions: Hygiene, Stealing, Strip Clubs

• Bathroom & Cleaning Lady Etiquette:
  • Plunger is right by the toilet (“doggy”), toilet brush only gets used before his girlfriend visits, cleaning lady comes weekly ($200/wk), and general bachelor-level filth until the day before company.
  • [29:04, Luis:] "Just when my girl's gonna come over."
• Stealing Urges:
  • Luis admits an “urge” to steal when he sees cash—he resists at friends’ houses but gives in at airports and strip clubs.
  • [22:37, Luis:] "The feeling that if I were to walk into your home and you had cash on the table...I would think to steal it."
• Strip Club Culture War:
  • Favors the “ghetto ass” black strip clubs for their lax rules and fun, dramatically contrasting the more uptight “high end” clubs:
    • [25:34, Luis:] "You go to a black strip club. Doggy, I'm straight up. You could punch it into ribs. You put it. You put the money on the end of your fist and you just punch her square in the face. And she's like, thank you, baby."

7. Shopping & Grocery Habits

• Grocery Games:
  • If Luis doesn’t want an item mid-shop, he’ll stash it wherever, not return it—same at 7-Eleven.
    • [50:26, Luis:] "It's going so deeply on any shelf…"
• Bag Preferences:
  • Fondly recalls the double-bag (paper in plastic) days; now, he uses reusable bags but mostly collects them as dog poop bags.
  • Critiques bag charges and modern retail policies.
• Cart Etiquette:

  • If his son is around, he returns the cart; alone, he may roll it toward the nearest car out of laziness.

  • [55:06, Luis:] "If I'm with my son, I just make him do. It's like, James, we have to. But if it's just me, I'll just push it off and try to aim it at a nice car..."

8. Family, Childhood Chaos & Parenting

• Childhood Trash:
  • Sharing stories about wrestling with younger kids at sleepovers, drawing on girlfriend’s basement walls as a teen, and sleeping on curb mattresses his mom picked up.
  • [33:53, Luis:] "Everything after out. And I. I remember one time it like, it like stuffed in the hole. Like every bit of the hole was completely closed."
• Parenting Styles:
  • Discussion on spanking kids; Luis vocally opposes corporal punishment, despite his own troubled upbringing.
  • [46:46, Kevin:] "You can't hit your kids. Would you hit your kids fully?"
  • [46:49, Foley & Luis:] "No, never."
• Family Dynamics:
  • Extended riff about potentially setting up H. Foley with Luis’s sister—roasting her photos, parent status, and the family’s complex living arrangements.
  • [43:01, H. Foley:] "What's the. Where's the. Where's the dad? What's that story?"
  • [43:03, Luis:] "He lives on the couch, but that's okay."

9. Tangents, Quick Hits & Memorable Quotes

• Airport Upgrades and Boarding Group Hacks:
  • [18:49, Luis:] "United. Premiere 1k. I was. They bumped me because I didn't spend enough money… But here's what I have learned. You just walk up when they say premiere 1k…they don't check."
• Trash Cues:
  • Bedbug era, handling soiled grocery items, peeing without hand-washing at the airport (“I flop my dick out…”), gossip about voicemails, and ringback tones.
• Childhood Answering Machine Comedy:
  • Prank voicemails and “shitty racist jokes from the 90s.”
• Boofing and Beatboxing Attempts:
  • Luis admits to stashing weed in his underwear (but not actually boofing), and the group attempts disastrous beatboxing.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Being Publicly Accountable:

  • [02:44, Luis:] "If I'm not declaring things publicly, then I can't. I can't hold myself accountable. I need the fans and my friends and other comedians to be like, dude, you said you wouldn't be fat by October, and here you are."

• On Classy Moves:

  • [18:49, Luis:] "They bumped me because I didn't spend enough money. They changed. It used to be miles flown. Now it's money spent. ...You just walk up when they say premiere 1k... they don't check."

• On Bad Childhood Sleepover Etiquette:

  • [11:37, Luis:] "We take these like 6 year old kids and just choke slam them through doors and just powerbomb them on the concrete. And the amount of times that it hurt the little brothers and the parents were like, that kid can't come over anymore."

• On His Mom’s Trash Tactics:

  • [59:22, Luis:] "My mom used to get mattresses for us. Like when somebody in the neighborhood threw out their mattress, my mom would go, new mattress for you guys."

• On Urges to Steal:

  • [22:37, Luis:] "If I were to walk into your home and you had cash on the table...I would think to steal it. I wouldn't steal it. ...That will always be in me."

• On Airport Restrooms:

  • *[41:27, KJ:] "Are you going over the top?"
  • [41:44, Luis:] "Yeah, I'm in sweatpants. Traveling. ...I just let my dick flop out. And then I piss. And then like a fire hose..."*

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Key Timestamps for Segments

• 00:39 – 03:40 | Luis arrives, “very stoned,” and birthday banter
• 04:48 – 05:38 | Hair restoration/Turkey transplant jokes
• 07:11 – 08:36 | High school alumni, Flo from Progressive, and small-town pride
• 09:01 – 11:30 | Sleeping habits, “falling asleep during movies,” and childhood sleepovers
• 12:01 – 13:59 | Drawing on ex’s basement walls, running out of money in Amsterdam
• 15:36 – 19:35 | What makes you feel classy? Cars, gym, travel status, hack tips for boarding groups
• 22:25 – 23:36 | Trashy urges: stealing, strip club habits
• 25:07 – 25:56 | Best/worst strip clubs, “smack it on her ass”
• 28:31 – 30:01 | Bathroom accessories and cleaning lady habits
• 31:20 – 32:12 | Subway stories, NYC public transit
• 33:06 – 35:39 | Epic stories of bathroom disasters at relatives’ homes
• 43:01 – 47:32 | Foley and Luis’s sister matchmaking riff
• 50:10 – 53:59 | Grocery store habits, reusable bags, and bagging styles
• 55:00 – 55:46 | Cart etiquette—return it or not?
• 56:49 – 57:30 | “Digital Bazooka” prank show anecdote
• 58:21 – 59:41 | House and pool upgrades; debuting the “classy” saltwater system
• 59:22 – 60:11 | Mattresses scavenged from the curb
• 61:13 – 61:19 | Verdict: Luis is “100% Garbage tray”

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Tone & Style

The tone is quintessential AYG: rowdy, rapid-fire, unscripted, and peppered with affectionate ribbing, blue-collar humor, and shameless candor. The camaraderie is obvious and intoxicating, with all three comics comfortable jumping tangent-to-tangent, never missing the opportunity for a quick roast or call back to the lore of the show.

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Final Verdict

[61:13–61:19, Foley:]
"And here's the good news. You are still, without a doubt, 100—"
[61:19, Luis:]
"Garbage tray."

Luis J. Gomez remains gloriously, proudly GARBAGE. The audience is left with endless quotable lines, new inside jokes, and a fresh batch of chaotic stories for the AYG Hall of Fame.

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Episode Recommendation:
A must-listen for fans of comedy, candid confessions, class-warfare banter, and the best kind of “garbage” conversation you’ll hear anywhere in podcasting.

Transcript

[H. Foley]

Gang, let me really quick tell you what you might not know. The boys want to see you in Los Angeles for the Netflix is a joke festival in May and we want to see you this week in Chicago. So grab the squad and come hang. Yeah.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

If you've never been to a live show, it's a good time. We do some stand up, then we, we play ayg with the crowd. You've seen the clips. You get your garbage question read. We call you trash. We make fun of you. It's a good time. We celebrate. Army of garbage. We love you.

[H. Foley]

See you there. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are you garbage?

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Oh, yeah.

[H. Foley]

It's that little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find it's a good to be classy. Yeah, you're just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, Stage Foley coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here with Tooties in a new edition. She got double pink eye. Okay, she pulled that off. All right, whatever. Fuck myself. I guess my coast is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of Are you garbage? He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world. Give it up for KJ Kevin James Ryan.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

What up, gang? Shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in as always. Please make sure you rate View subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify. And the boys are climbing the charts. Not the top of the charts. Nobody wants to be at the top.

[H. Foley]

We don't showing off.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

We don't want. We don't want to target on our back. You know what I mean? The meaty part of the curve right in the middle. Yes. We're on tour right now. Get [e-mail] I think we got Chicago this week. Nashville sold out. And Bloomington, Indiana. Might be a few tickets left.

[H. Foley]

And grab tickets. Come see us out at the Netflix as a joke festival in May. Out there la la land.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Back to la where it all went down. That's right.

[H. Foley]

We don't talk about that. But gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest back with us again today. He's obviously family, of course. A little smoking before you got here.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I did. I am very chee gen. Let me say this. I. I stopped smoking.

[H. Foley]

Talk about double pink guy.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I stopped smoking on Christmas. It was semi smoked. And then we went to Mexico last week with the whole Guest digital crew, right? We took all of our producers, all 20 producers to Mexico.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Got a lot of producers.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Pretty incredible. Cartel got nervous, you know, and I started smoking with them. And then I've smoked every day since.

[H. Foley]

Smoke a little doobie, huh?

[Luis J. Gomez]

But no, I'm gonna be. I'm gonna be sober again. But you. You're getting. It's rare, but you're getting a very stoned. I like bluish eggs.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Although I do have to say every. You are. You. Obviously, you know, you run a. You're on a very tight ship with your body. A lot of times you're eating clean your Dr. I know, I know. But every time I see you, there's always a date. You know what I mean? It's always like, since I haven't done that since Easter. Like, I haven't done whatever since what is always a. I have to. You're always. In a time.

[Luis J. Gomez]

If I'm not declaring things publicly, then I can't. I can't hold myself accountable. I need the fans and my friends and other comedians to be like, dude, you said you wouldn't be fat by October, and here you are.

[H. Foley]

I stopped doing it.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Dude, you said you wouldn't be fat by October. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Ladies and gentlemen, not just a comedian.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

No.

[H. Foley]

Not just a producer. Not just. Not just a business owner. Of course, the GAS Digital Network is also an author of Knives and Spoons. Give it up for the birthday boy, Louis J. Gomez.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm celebrating my birthday.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Happy birthday.

[Luis J. Gomez]

So how about you don't judge me for being high? Let me just fucking get a little high. Chill out with the boys, find out if I'm garbage again.

[H. Foley]

You're not supposed to judge anybody in that state.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Are you just here that.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Are we finding out if I've become more garbage or less garbage since the last time I was here? How does this work? I haven't really thought.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I mean, you think? We don't really have production meetings. We're like, just get loose in here and have a good time.

[Luis J. Gomez]

All right, we will do that.

[H. Foley]

Bring in here, you all smoked up, make fun of you for an hour.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Well, I'm very excited to be back. I think I'm.

[H. Foley]

Can we have Lewis's birthday present?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, we have a birthday present for me?

[H. Foley]

We do.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Bring it out here. It's your girlfriend. Oh, no, it's your trashy girlfriend.

[H. Foley]

He's very lovely.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

A little lovely. I say that as a joke. She's beautiful. Okay. I don't know why he's

[H. Foley]

with an

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

ass that won't quit.

[H. Foley]

I'm sorry.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

She's a nice lady.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, she's very. She's very sweet.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

She is. She's very sweet. She's very.

[Luis J. Gomez]

She's a little trash.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

She's very of the.

[H. Foley]

Of.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Of a girl I grew up with. She should be cutting hair in Bucks county somewhere. That's all we. That's all we had in stock, now available in the store.

[Luis J. Gomez]

But I will wear this. This.

[H. Foley]

There you go, Ayg.

[Luis J. Gomez]

There we go. Look at that.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

You don't have to put it on right now. That's not bad.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Are you a hat guy?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, yeah. I used to be self conscious about going bald, so I used to wear a hat all the time, and then I just started shaving my head regularly.

[H. Foley]

Would you ever go to the turkey thing and do all that?

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, the turkey thing and do all that.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

That was the weakest sentence ever. Would you ever go to turkey?

[Luis J. Gomez]

That was somebody who's peripherally heard the word turkey and hair, like conversations that other people had, but he never locked into really what it was.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

You don't want to commit that turkey was a place. Would you ever do that turkey stuff?

[Luis J. Gomez]

He wasn't 100 positive.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Not, would you go to turkey? Would you ever do that turkey thing?

[Luis J. Gomez]

He heard people talking about? He's like, I think it's a place,

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

but it's also a food.

[H. Foley]

Turkey Institute.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I can't be bogged down. If they mean. If they mean the animals are given hair.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Look like a. If they mean the animals.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

He thinks you just get a bunch of feathers put in your head. Gobble, gobble, game.

[H. Foley]

Horsehead Hair transplant. Turkey Institute.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

No swinging a miss one too far.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I look like dude with. With hair. It's long and curly and crinkly.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

You. Yeah, yeah. You look very good with the shaved hair.

[H. Foley]

Lewis.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yes, sir.

[H. Foley]

Is it mashed potatoes or mashed potatoes?

[Luis J. Gomez]

You just said the same thing.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Am I.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You just said the same exact thing.

[H. Foley]

No, I said, is it mashed potatoes?

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Oh, that's so. That's a really good one.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Mash. Hold on, I'll take some mashed potatoes. All right, so I think casually, I would say. I would say mashed potatoes. If I was just throwing it out,

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

who were you talking to?

[Luis J. Gomez]

But if I was writing it, I would write mashed potatoes.

[H. Foley]

Mashed potatoes.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I would write mashed potatoes. I would say mashed potatoes. Every answer is going to be in that form from now on.

[H. Foley]

Gotcha.

[Luis J. Gomez]

How I would say it versus how I would write it.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

Correct. Correct answer. Mashed potatoes.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, of course.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Are you saying is that. Are you asking? There was a right answer.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

You're saying, oh, well, he says mash.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, I know, but I know if you want me to tell you what the right answer is.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Who's on first?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Dude, hold on. I thought you were asking me what I say. Huh? But if you. I can tell you what the correct answer is every time. Or do you want to know what I say?

[H. Foley]

What's the correct answer?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Mashed potatoes.

[H. Foley]

And what do you say?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Mashed potatoes.

[H. Foley]

You are right.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

What?

[Luis J. Gomez]

3 points?

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

What is this, a new show?

[Luis J. Gomez]

My girlfriend is going to give you a hand job.

[H. Foley]

Welcome back to Garbage wars, everybody.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

What was. I don't know if we ever did this with you and I'd be curious to see what was the name of the high school you went to?

[Luis J. Gomez]

North Rockland High School.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

North Rockland High School. Let's pull that up and see if you are in the notable alum on Wikipedia.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's infuriating because I'm not. And there is one more notable alumni, and that is probably a lot of

[H. Foley]

fentanyl deaths you gotta get.

[Luis J. Gomez]

There's only one, I believe, and that's

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Flow, the progressive lady.

[Luis J. Gomez]

The progressive lady.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

You ain't got cans like her.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah. Flows Crush. Dude, that look up also flows net worth $100 million. Flow is worth more money than any of us will ever be worth.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Sure. Well, what do you got?

[Producer/Assistant]

It's not that. It's North Rockland High School.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. It's not even on there.

[Producer/Assistant]

No, I'm getting it now.

[H. Foley]

What's the high school mascot?

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

What was the high school mascot?

[Luis J. Gomez]

We were the North Rockland Red Raiders.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

So I think Needles are breaking and

[Producer/Assistant]

entering, sadly and wrongfully. Louis J. Gomez.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Who else do you have on there?

[Producer/Assistant]

Not a lot of soccer players. We got Flo, Stephanie Courtney.

[H. Foley]

Stephanie Cord.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Right. That is. That's kind of like a porn star name. Two first names, kind of, you know.

[Producer/Assistant]

All right, got Richard Human, a neoconceptualist artist.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Neo Nazi.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

It's also Louis.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah. They could only have one Neo Nazi as a notable.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Oh, what the heck?

[H. Foley]

Notable skinheads.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's insane.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Okay, all right. Not bad. Not bad.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No. Yeah. They don't. They don't claim me.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Okay, fair enough.

[H. Foley]

When you sleep. Byron Allen Lewis. When you sleep, Is there a nightlight anywhere in the. In the room?

[Luis J. Gomez]

A nightlight? No.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Is.

[H. Foley]

What.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

What. What are you in complete black? Is the hallway light on? The door cracked? TV on? What do you got cooking?

[H. Foley]

Night terrors.

[Luis J. Gomez]

So no, what I usually do is I can't fall asleep or. I'm sorry, I can't watch a movie when I like lie down.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I can't.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I will fall asleep in minutes.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Okay, so why don't you put a movie on?

[Luis J. Gomez]

I have to put on a movie that I'm highly interested in. And if I do that, I will fall asleep just like that.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

If you're highly interested.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I gotta be highly interested in that movie. I gotta really want to see it.

[H. Foley]

Is it one you haven't seen?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, one that I haven't seen. One that I'm like, I really want to watch that one. Then I'm like, here we go. Predator Badlands. Then I put my head into the pillow.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Dude, you are monster energy drink in human form. Predator Badlands.

[H. Foley]

You mean like RoboCop?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Predator Badlands was actually pretty fucking solid.

[H. Foley]

Dude, I tell you what, they're all good. That whole fucking. The whole alien predator thing all the way through. I haven't seen one that's bad. Yeah, I like the new. Do you know what's a good Predator? The one with Adrian Brody. It's like they're. They're all in the wood. They get transported to a world, they're all fighting each other.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

You're gonna put them to sleep.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, well, that's. I don't want them in a different world though. That's the other. That's the only problem. You want them here. You want to feel like the danger. It's like when they had like Jurassic park and they like put them on the island of Manhattan. Dinosaurs run around.

[H. Foley]

I was like, that's the movie?

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. I didn't watch it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah. My family wasn't a four. I couldn't afford to go to Costa Rica, wherever the Jurassic park island was.

[H. Foley]

Just wanted to see nice places.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, dude, that's like watching get burned down. Yeah. No, you gotta like bring the dinosaurs

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

here for you to feel scared.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Jason goes to Manhattan. I wasn't going to sleep away camp. It wasn't happening.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. No way. I was going past Albany.

[Luis J. Gomez]

My mom wasn't sending me to sleep. Awakening.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I'm not gonna make it to disconnected either. Holy.

[H. Foley]

Okay, we might ask you, I'm curious, how did you do with sleepovers? Were you good? Did the parents like you?

[Luis J. Gomez]

No.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Really?

[Luis J. Gomez]

I feel like I remember my friend John Hickey's parents. God. John Hickey's dad just passed away. God bless his soul. Sweetest guy. So you know, police sergeant up in Rockland County. His mom was great. They did like, they liked me until they didn't. And it was like, because we'd like, we all like pro wrestling. And I was like the biggest kid out of everybody, right? So we'd have like our own organization, you know, And I. We all had our own like characters. And he had two little brothers, Justin and James Hickey. And they were, they were half our size. So you could do the coolest to these little kids. So we were like, literally, I mean, just. We take these like 6 year old kids and just choke slam them through doors and just power bomb them on the concrete. And the amount of times that it hurt the little brothers and the parents were like, that kid can't come over anymore.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. No, that makes sense.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

How old were you? 15?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Not even, dude.

[H. Foley]

12. Summer.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

12.

[Luis J. Gomez]

12. Yeah, maybe. I remember I drew with crayons on my, my ex girlfriend's basement. I was like 16 years old. We were fucking ready. And they had crayons because she had a little sister. And I like just sort of drawing on the wall and the dad was like, he can never come get this

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

feral boy out of my toddler.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It was crazy.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I think Lewis was here.

[Luis J. Gomez]

If my son brought a friend over that drew with crayons on my basement wall, I would, I would, I would go to their house and it would beat up the father in front of the kid. I would start punching the father in the face and be like, this is what you made me do. That's the lesson that he would have to learn is that I have to fuck his dad up now. He drew with crayons on my fucking walls.

[H. Foley]

Do you guys exchange money? The parents like if, like if the kid does have somebody sleep over, there's no, because I can't. I read something or saw something that parents kind of like each pay for their shit now.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Kind of. I don't know, I just like, if

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

you're having a pizza party or whatever or I don't even. Something are you going. Are parents going venmoing you? Like 40. But hey, here's for keeping Billy.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I don't ever take money.

[H. Foley]

Of course. You're on a tight ship. You do very well.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You know, you buy the kids some pizzas, you bring them out, you know.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I got a question. Have you ever been. Have you and your girlfriend ever venmoed each other?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, she hasn't. She's never venmoed me, I'll tell you that much. I just.

[H. Foley]

Okay. She'll say, hey, I need a couple of bucks.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Well, I don't venmo her. I. It's the number. It has to Go on, Zell. Because the number's too big for Venmo. I have to get her wiring information, but it takes 10 days to clear the numbers this bitch wants.

[H. Foley]

Have you ever used Western Union? Not for her.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I never.

[H. Foley]

I have Midnight run.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I did use Western Union once. Man, that's a tough feeling. When I was in. Is it Amsterdam?

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Okay, that's a little. That's.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I ran out, but I ran out of money because of hookers and weed. It wasn't like, dude, I didn't think

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

you spent it at the Anne Frank Museum. I spent my money.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Every time I went. Dude, every time I went to Amsterdam, I'm like, I'm going to the Anne Frank Museum. I'm going to the Van Gogh Museum. I'm gonna do it. I'm doing it. And every time I spend all my money on hookers and weed. I never get there.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I. I've only been one time and I went with my. With my wife.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, you guys would kill it there. You should go to a theater in Amsterdam. They love comedy there.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I know. Yeah, but we don't do that well overseas. It's. It's a very. We didn't realize. It's a very American based show. Yeah, it's all about how.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's not like I do crazy well, but I saw a couple shows in Amsterdam.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I don't know. We're having trouble with Chicago tonight.

[H. Foley]

Who'd you ask for?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Western Union, My friend Katie. We were out in Amsterdam, just spent all of our money. We were staying in Utrecht, which is like another city, like 45 minutes away from Amsterdam. We're just trying to get near Amsterdam. We didn't realize how far. I didn't have to travel yet. I was like 22 years old.

[H. Foley]

I still don't.

[Luis J. Gomez]

My mom died when I was on that trip, actually.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Jesus.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Well, that's your morning.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I just wanted to bum everyone out. Hey, guys, Just so you know, ask

[H. Foley]

for airfare to get back home.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Nope.

[H. Foley]

You're trying to re up on the.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Well, I didn't find out until I got home because I had like a little Nokia cell phone. I. I couldn't get calls overseas. I didn't have whatever you needed to do that. So I found out when I got home there's a chance I was inside of a prostitute when my mom died.

[H. Foley]

There's something to think about.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

There's a chance that prostitute was female. That was a pretty good chance. I was in Amsterdam one time and I just went to. I popped my head down like the red. I just. Let me just go see what it's like. And there was a guy getting.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, let me just go see what it's like.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I swear to God, two seconds. I was with my wife and there was this guy getting pushed out of a. Out of like a brothel. And he's like holding onto the door frame. He goes, just let me get a hand job. I was just like, never be that guy.

[H. Foley]

I respect the movie.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Pleading, yeah, yeah, no, Amsterdam's a good city. It's a fun town.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

One question we've been doing as of recent and I feel that you might have a few good answers on this, please. What do you do to feel classy? It doesn't even have to be classy, but like maybe use the valet or you had. Is there a product or something that you have at the house you're like, I like using. This could be a cutting board, a knife.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I like this question.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

An air fryer, anything. What makes you go, oh, this is nice.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I like, well, I bought a second car for no reason.

[H. Foley]

You have the Audi.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Well, I had the Acura. All right? I had an Audi total. The Audi, right? Got an accurate. Because I didn't deserve an Audi, okay? I was like, I should. I don't deserve a German engineered car. I was like, I'm too much shitty of a driver. I was like. Then I was like, I'm gonna buy this Acura tlx. Nick Rusher Fort recommendation, he's the man. Love Nick Rochefort. And I bought this Acura TLX use just bought a cash. I was like, that's that. I was like, I'm gonna have this car till my son turns 16. He's 13 now. I'll reward myself with a nice luxury car then. Yeah, if I can get it to no accidents between now and then. Learn my lesson, be a little bit less distracted, right? And then stop drawing on walls. Dude, it's. It snowed out in Jersey where it's not all over snowed in my house.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

It was crazy.

[Luis J. Gomez]

There was a crazy snowstorm. You remember like the foot of snow we had?

[H. Foley]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Three weeks ago, my whole house was buried. The car was buried. This is the Acura. And I was like, fuck. So I go into the Acura, I open the door, I turn on the heat full blast. I turn on the, the defrosters full blast. Me and my son, we dig out the entire driveway, the whole path, you know, we have. This is like real shovels. This is some fucking old school. I got you. I. I don't have a fucking snowblower. None of that shit. Dude. We shoveled that fucking car out, right? You know, an hour later, I go to move the car, you know, because the heat's on, the snow just kind of falls off, right? So I back out. As soon as the snow fell off, the windshield had a giant crack because you can't go from freezing, ice cold to heat blasting on the window. So then I started cursing, and I was like, this fucking piece of shit car. And I called. It was gonna be $1,200 to replace the windshield. And. And then I was like. I was called Nick Rocha for it. And he had such a funny point, because I was like. I was doing I'm thinking about getting a car. And he said this on the Real last podcast. He's like, when a guy calls you up and says, I'm thinking about getting a car, that means he's 36 hours away from buying a new car.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Dude, I bought a new car that same week. And I saw that, and I was gonna call Nick. I went, no way. Because he's gonna talk me out of what I want to get.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Well, that's exactly it. So then I was like this. I need a different car. I'm sick of driving around a shitty car. I haven't been in any accidents. It's been 13 months. So I got myself the Audi Q8. So now my Audi. But then I put. Brought my car in to get the windshield fixed, and I blacked out the tires and the windows. Very Puerto Rican. Look, this blacked out Acura.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Easy, dude.

[Luis J. Gomez]

And now they gave it back to me, and I'm like, that's a hot car right there. I didn't even need the out. So now I have a second car.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

You put black rims on your car?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

So blacking out the car, that makes you feel rich.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, no. Having two cars, having the second car for no reason was like a move. Spending a lot of money on a gym membership, you know? Oh, border boarding before everyone else on a flight. Very premiere 1k, which I'm no longer premiere 1k. I was premier 1 United.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

That's perfect.

[Luis J. Gomez]

United. Premiere 1k. I was. They bumped me because I didn't spend enough money. They changed. It used to be miles flown. Now it's money spent.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Which is okay. But here's what I have learned. You just walk up when they say premiere 1k.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

This guy's cracking the case.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Guys, I'm telling you right now, they don't check. They.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I've seen Delta bump people and go.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Not Delta. United. Not United.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

United.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I mean united. They don't check. I'm telling you right now. And I'm just gonna keep on playing dumb. And even if I get caught, it's not like I get caught by the same person. I'll get caught by cool.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

All right.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I guess I got caught. I'll wait till fucking group one is called now.

[H. Foley]

Then you got to walk.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm still in group one. No, that's crazy.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

You're in group one.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm in group one.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Okay.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Okay. Yeah. So that makes me feel.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

You got TSA pre check.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, yeah.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

You got clear.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, yeah.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

You got touchless.

[Luis J. Gomez]

What?

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Touchless is. No, you gotta get touchless, dog.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You guys are classy.

[H. Foley]

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Yeah, gang, we know BetterHelp is fantastic for all the things in your life. They're also fantastic if you're working through some financial stresses that you need to get off your chest. Talk to somebody, man. No matter what it is, whether it's big, whether it's small, you want to talk to somebody. And BetterHelp is a great way to step your foot into talk therapy. We love it. You'll love it. Talk it out.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. Money worries often bring anxiety, sleep disruption, and even depression. And one of the leading sources of conflict for couples. This month, you can normalize the emotional weight of financial stress and remind people that struggling with money doesn't mean they failed. Sometimes it's just accessing the right kind of support. Money stress, as from a child, all the way up to when I was adult. You see it from your parents at it. I had. It's just. It's. It is a big, big, big point of contention in my life. It always has been. So having somebody to talk to about that will fucking just shed a little bit of light and make things a little bit easier. You'll be sleeping a little better at night. And talk therapy has always been a fantastic tool in my life. When life feels overwhelming, therapy can help. Sign up and get 10% [e-mail] garbage. That's BetterHelp. H E L P.com garbage. Do it. Do it.

[H. Foley]

Care. Let's talk about Pesty.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Pesty, gang.

[H. Foley]

You know Pesty?

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I do, baby.

[H. Foley]

Use it at the house, gang. If you got bug problems, you got infestation. What you want to do is you want to go to Pesky and kind of do it yourself.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Listen, right? Let me. Let me take over.

[H. Foley]

Am I talking out of my ass?

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I just did it.

[H. Foley]

You taking control of your Life with Pesky.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I just did it four days ago, my man. Four days ago. Listen, they send it to

[H. Foley]

Bugman.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

It's fantastic. They send it, it comes, they send the bag. You mix it with the water. You mix the little. The little potion with the water. You put your little sprayer on top, give you a little set of black gloves. I think it's two foot. You go around the perimeter of the house. It takes minutes. Minutes. And you're good with the bug. Get them out.

[H. Foley]

That's great.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

It's not crazy toxic. We were it kid and pet friendly one. Because we got lowkeeperino and we got Hanzi Ponzi. Sure. The pesticides they shipped are fully registered and have been used in hospitals and schools all over the country. Pesi offers a 100% bug free guarantee or your money back. If the bugs don't go away, you'll get a refund. The kit includes a sprayer, a mixing bag, pesticide gloves, like I said, and instructions. Less than 10 minutes. It's so simple, it makes you feel like you're accomplishing something too. Gets rid of over 100 types of bugs, from spiders to ants, roaches, and scorpions, which, listen, I ain't got scorpions, but with Pesi, we definitely ain't gonna get them.

[H. Foley]

Yike.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

The bugs away with pesi. Go to pesi.comayg for an extra 10% off your order. That's pesty. P E s t I e.com ayg for an extra 10% off. Do it.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, Anything that makes you feel trashy. Like you're like

[Luis J. Gomez]

the feeling that if I, if. If I were to walk into your home and you had cash on the table.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I would think to steal it. I wouldn't steal it.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

You would go, how would I do that?

[Luis J. Gomez]

I would just go like, whatever it is, like my. Like an urge. Like the same way if you see like a. And you like, you want to lick it.

[H. Foley]

What?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Like that's the way.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I'm not seeing that much, Dougie.

[Luis J. Gomez]

If you see a. You want to lick it, you're like, I want to lick that. You go to a strip club, like, oh, I'd love to lick that. You don't do it because you're at a strip club, you'll get kicked out and bounced. Right? But the say that same urgency, short leash, dude.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Hey, if you got cash, I'm gonna tell you, yeah, I'm gonna lick it. You don't do it because you're my friend and this is.

[H. Foley]

And I'm at A Hooters right now on TSA PreCheck.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You know what I'm saying, dog? You go to strip club, you'd be like. And if the pussy's right in your face, you're like, I just want to give it a lickaroo. Your mind goes there and your mind goes there. And the same. If I see your. If I see money on your table and I'm at your house, like, my mind goes like, oh, I want to take that money. And that. That is. Will always be in me. You'll never get that out of me. Can I would never steal.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Two follow up questions, please. What is the.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm going to steal from, you know, big businesses and airports, but not.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Okay, what was the last thing you stole from? Probably an airport then.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, probably an airport.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Okay, fair enough. What was the last strip club? You were always the name of it park that's called Cottonmouth.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I haven't been to a strip clubs

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

since I started dating my girlfriend. How long we've been dating prior to that?

[Luis J. Gomez]

I've been to a strip club in at least four months.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Do you have a.

[H. Foley]

Four months?

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Four months. Do you have. Do you have from your past that you really liked?

[Luis J. Gomez]

No. I went to a pretty good strip club in like, just one of these shitty towns. The last one, I don't remember what it was, but it was a straight up like black strip club, which is like, that's where you want to go. Look, now I understand that this is going to sound harsh, but I am brown, so I feel like I have a good perspective on this. As a brown person like Blair, us out of this. White strippers are the best. Obviously, like you want to. If you're. If you had a bachelor party. If money's not an object, like you, right? Let's say money. Money's not an object. You're getting.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Stealing cash.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Pur. White strippers for your party. Beautiful, young, hot white women. But those bitches come at a high cost, right? You know, we. But money is an object, so you got to consider everything. Go to a black strip club. Like the ghetto ass strip club.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I remember after Skank Fest, we went to Hustler. Barely legal hustle club. Okay, that who. That's who hosts the after party at Skankfest, right? The barely legal club.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Good thing we were sick that year.

[Luis J. Gomez]

So we all had a sickness that weekend. No, and. But like, it was like high end, hot white. And I remember I took my money and I came over and I smacked it on her ass.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

She didn't like that.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, the security was like, whoa, you can't touch the strippers. I was like, can't touch the strippers. That's the whole thing. What are we doing?

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Go down to the King of Diamonds. You can arm wrestle.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You go to a black strip club. Doggy, I'm straight up. You could punch it into ribs. You put it. You put the money on the end of your fist and you just punch her square in the face. And she's like, thank you, baby. And they're all. They're all kind of funk, you know, funky and up and like. You want a ghetto ass strip club, though, they'll. You can spit in their mouth for a dollar.

[H. Foley]

All class kids.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Trust me, man.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Two cars. This guy's changed.

[H. Foley]

How do you feel about Mr. Bean? Switch gears real quick.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I never liked Mr. Bean. Give me that.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Too pompous.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, whatever. It was, whatever. The comedy didn't hit me.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Sure.

[Luis J. Gomez]

But I did like him in the witches movie when I was a kid.

[H. Foley]

The witches movie?

[Luis J. Gomez]

The witches.

[H. Foley]

Witches of Eastwick.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Witches. I don't know.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I don't know what that is.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Which is. They remade it. They remade it like maybe three, four years ago, but the original one was a little fat British kid and then

[H. Foley]

another little kid with Sarah Jessica Parker and.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, no, no. You're just sending me movies with witches at this point.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

You're not talking about. What was it? Clarissa. No, what was the other one?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Sabrina.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Sabrina. It was Clarissa. Explains it all.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on. Which is. It's with angelica Houston.

[Producer/Assistant]

Yes.

[Luis J. Gomez]

1919 90.

[Producer/Assistant]

1990 family horror picture.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[Producer/Assistant]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Is that the Witches of Eastwick?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Rowan Atkinson.

[Producer/Assistant]

Yeah, yeah.

[H. Foley]

Just the witches, huh?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Angelic Houston was also.

[Luis J. Gomez]

And they. They turn into. They turn the kids into rats or mice. That's the thing is. They're turning the kids into mice. You remember this movie?

[Producer/Assistant]

I do not.

[H. Foley]

Did they remake.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

It's like 11 years old, this kid.

[H. Foley]

Did they remake it with Anne Hathaway?

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, that might be the one. They might have me read it. They might have remade it with Anne Hathaway.

[Producer/Assistant]

They did say.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Producer/Assistant]

In 2020.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. She was nasty in it.

[Producer/Assistant]

Great 30 year anniversary.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah. No, no, the. The original movie was horrifying, huh? Yeah. They would turn into like horrible looking witches and never turn you into a mouse.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I missed that. Have you ever bought anything off Shark Tank?

[Luis J. Gomez]

I mean, I think everyone has a. The little face Scrubber.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Scrub daddy.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Scrub daddies. We all have a scrub daddy.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

You're a squatty potty guy too, probably.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, I tried the Squatty potty once. It didn't make me any better. It just made me feel like a. My feet went. Legs were up in the air like it was insane.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Dude, it feels like someone's changing your diaper.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Obviously could bleep that. But they know what I. They know what I said.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Sure, they know.

[Luis J. Gomez]

They know that you put your. Yeah, dude, it feels like somebody's changing your diaper. I can't too exposed my knees up by my tits. Dude, it's insane.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I need someone checking my six with that. I had diarrhea one time. It came out like a. It was wild.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I got tight hips. I'm 44 years old today. My hips are tight as I would need. I would literally need to get a professional stretching before I use a squatty body. And the guy's a pedophile.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Is he?

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

What the fuck.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I assume.

[H. Foley]

Damn it.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

You mean a guy who's interested in butthole delf. A little creek getting your legs up. Speaking of it, this one's from a few weeks ago from a listener. Do you keep the plunger next to the toilet or is it in a closet? Is it in the garage?

[H. Foley]

I was trying to steal that as my own.

[Luis J. Gomez]

In the. In the garage would be psychotic. You have to run to the garage when your is overflowing. Dude, you need it right next to the toilet. Doggy.

[H. Foley]

Toilet brush.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Toilet brush as well. If that's in a container that shuts like you pull it out. That's classy right there.

[H. Foley]

How often do you use that toilet brush? Just when you clean the bathroom.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Just when my girl's gonna come over.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Okay.

[Luis J. Gomez]

The only time I have a cleaning lady that comes.

[H. Foley]

Right, Right.

[Luis J. Gomez]

So she cleans pretty good.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

But how often is she coming?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Once a week.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

What's that cost?

[Luis J. Gomez]

200 a week.

[H. Foley]

It's not bad. You grease her. You got a tipper. That's it. Tip 200.

[Producer/Assistant]

What do you say?

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

A tipper over.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Tipper Gore off.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I don't know why that was so funny. Tipper Gore off. I can't believe you made that poll. Also to tell you to go off a super fun.

[H. Foley]

The wife of the vice president from 20 years ago.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's crazy.

[H. Foley]

Do a little reading up a guy,

[Luis J. Gomez]

man.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

When he's stoned, he's in flow.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm a dude. I'm just like. Jazz music. Yeah, dude. No, I. If before my girl comes over, I'll clean the stains.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You know, otherwise I'll let the cleaning.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. When you're. She's not there. Right. And say, James, isn't. It's just you, mayor or the toilet you use the master bed, whatever.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Will you pee. If you pee on the seat a little bit. Will you leave it if you know you're not coming back or will you clean it right away?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Depending on how. If we are one halfway to my cleaning lady coming. Anything on that? Half of the week, I'll just piss on the floor. I just wipe my boogers on the mirrors. I'm not paying once a week for nothing. It's insane.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

You're a scumbag.

[H. Foley]

Okay, how many bathrooms are in the house?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Three bathrooms.

[H. Foley]

Three bathrooms. One. You have a master bedroom, Right? And then James, there's one in the hallway by the bedroom.

[Luis J. Gomez]

He's got one in his bedroom as well.

[H. Foley]

He has one. And then where's the third one?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Just in the hallway.

[H. Foley]

In the hallway of what?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Bathroom. Like near upstairs.

[H. Foley]

Upstairs. No bathrooms on the first floor?

[Luis J. Gomez]

No.

[H. Foley]

Okay, let me ask you a split level home, right?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, yeah.

[H. Foley]

Right.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Okay. Zigzag. I got you rolling paper.

[H. Foley]

I live in a. I live in a. I grew up in a.

[Luis J. Gomez]

My house is made of easy widers. Yeah.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Live in a bath.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I live. I live in a. Bomb.

[H. Foley]

This guy's high.

[Luis J. Gomez]

He's good.

[H. Foley]

Okay. You're having a party. Party.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

What?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Can I get another Lacroix? These are. The orange ones are my favorite, dude. And I have cotton mouth like a.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Are we recording?

[Luis J. Gomez]

I took the subway to get here. That was crazy. You guys take that subway still?

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

No, not really.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's bonkers, dude.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

It's wild.

[Luis J. Gomez]

They still just. It looks the same. They didn't change anything.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Some of the cars. Some of the cars are. A lot of the cars have been updated. I take it with my son. Every now and then, my head's on the floor. Swim.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, dude. Yeah. See, these people are out of their minds, dude.

[H. Foley]

Thank you, Luke.

[Luis J. Gomez]

They need to. They. They need Elon Musk to come and design a subway car, dude.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

You got it.

[H. Foley]

Well, like a boring hole. I'm not getting in that thing. That thing. That.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That.

[H. Foley]

That. That ceiling's too low. You got. Stretch that out a little bit.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Have a. What's. What's the cyber truck? Just connect a bunch of cyber trucks on the tracks.

[H. Foley]

That's not a bad idea.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Not a bad idea, actually.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Good idea.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

It's coming. I'll be writing this down.

[H. Foley]

All right. You're having a party. You're having a Christmas party. Okay. I come up to you.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

And I say, listen, man. I really Got to use the bathroom. I don't want to use the hallway. One upstairs because people are around.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Is there any way I could use your bathroom in your room?

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Depends on the cleaning.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You.

[H. Foley]

Let's say me, anybody, him specifically. It's a hot chick. You're gonna let her do it?

[Luis J. Gomez]

You got a shit.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Yes.

[H. Foley]

I'm not combing my hair here.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

And they're using this toothbrush.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You got a.

[H. Foley]

No, I got a floss real bad.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, the crab rangoons are hitting me.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I would tell you. I would tell you to use my son's bathroom.

[H. Foley]

Oh, I can't do that.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I wouldn't. I'd be like, james, baseball pictures.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

You've been the naughty boy this year. The fat guy left you a lump of gold.

[H. Foley]

That's even worse, man.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, you probably take some massive shits. That's my problem is, like, you're going to up my plumbing, dude.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

You're going to septic.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Then we got rotor root around. Dude, I. Dude, I took a one time at my son's mother's sister's place.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

It's like a riddle.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah. My son's mother's cousins, friends, best friends, teachers.

[H. Foley]

Your son's mother?

[Luis J. Gomez]

My son's mother's sister. So, yeah, she's nothing to me. She's nothing to me. And I went to her place. It was during the holidays, dude. And I. I just. Dude, I would. I would like binge. I would just. This is why. My son's mother was pregnant.

[H. Foley]

Pregnant.

[Luis J. Gomez]

And when she was, I just, I. I weighed like 350 pounds. 340 maybe. When she was pregnant, I ballooned up, dude. And I. I would just eat so much. And then I would take these, like, I would just eat, eat, eat. And then after like two, three days, it would all just come out. And it was psychologically, whenever there'd be a point when I would go, I was like, dude, this is enough. I gotta get back on my diet. I would make a psychological connection. And then my body, My body would just go, okay, cool.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

And then like spell it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Everything after out. And I. I remember one time it like, it like stuffed in the hole. Like every bit of the hole was completely closed. Then it came out of the toilet, like in a pile. It was like, literally, I'm breaching, like Termite Hill breaching.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

It's like the emoji.

[Luis J. Gomez]

So talking. No, I mean, it's just so much. Yeah, it was so much. And yeah, I try to flush it. Nothing. Like, nothing.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Because the wall you create, you create a Vacuum.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You only got. You got two flushes before it's now. The water's now to the top. So now you can't even plunge it because then the water spills over.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, it's bad.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You're like.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

You're.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You're too. Yet the first time you do it, like. Like, am I gonna do it one more time and make it to where it's impossible to be plunged without getting water on the floor?

[H. Foley]

I've gotten it right to that ledge

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

and it's gone down, like, slow leak in it. And you go, thank God.

[Luis J. Gomez]

With that much shit. This is disgusting. But they like it with that much shit. You can't really plunge. Plunging is just gonna fucking. You know, it's gonna mash it even deeper into the hole.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Mash.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You have to create. Create a hole so the water can pass through. So I went outside and I got a stick. Like a long. A long stick.

[H. Foley]

Lewis, where are you going? I'll be right back.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, I felt bad. I was like, you can't let them go in there. Beatrice. I was like, this is insane, whatever just happened.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Did you just tell Beatrice or did you have her.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Of course she came back. No, I. I told her that I came back, and then everyone was just kind of, like, not looking at me.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Luis J. Gomez]

And I had to, like, literally poke a hole all the way deep into the. To create suction. Yeah, yeah, suction.

[H. Foley]

You got a rip branch with leaves and.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

What'd you do with the stick?

[Luis J. Gomez]

It was Christmas. Put it under the tree. I had to give them one of the kids.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Huh.

[H. Foley]

Okay, so I'll take that as a no. That I couldn't use.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I don't even know what the question was.

[H. Foley]

Can I use your bathroom if you're at a party now? I needed to go.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That would be my concern with you. But because you're my friend, I would have to stay. Fine.

[H. Foley]

Thank you. I appreciate that. That's a point for.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Classy guy.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Classy.

[Ad Read Announcer]

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[Luis J. Gomez]

It is an honor to share. No, it's our honor.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

It is our larger honor. No, really, stop.

[Ad Read Announcer]

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[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

and participate in McDonald's while supplies last.

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[H. Foley]

You ever boof anything?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Like a drug?

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Anything contraband? A drug tampon covered in vodka?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Not up my. But I felt like weed in my ass crack plenty. When weed used to be illegal in New York. Go to a concert, you roll a bunch of joints, put them in a bag, you put them like down your ass crack up your balls a little bit.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

You taint them.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah. These drugs are tainted.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Have you ever seriously tried the beatbox or freestyle rap?

[H. Foley]

You're in a band.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Doesn't mean he's beatboxed.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Anybody who has ever had a microphone in front of them has tried to beatbox box.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Okay. Earnestly.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Okay.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Let me hear your beatboxing. You can do it.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Boom, boom. No, I. I don't really have it, if I'm being honest with you.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You. That wasn't your best speed boxing?

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

No. Music sounds like someone subwoofers out the.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Was that you in my bathroom? In my master bathroom?

[H. Foley]

Somebody get me a stick.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That. That's the best shot.

[H. Foley]

Beatboxing, man.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Look at this thing.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm not.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I'm not michael winslow.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You guys beatbox the same way girls make machine gun sounds. Pe.

[H. Foley]

Pe. Pe.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Pe.

[H. Foley]

Pe.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Pe.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

You go. What the.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Dude, I thought we were. I thought we were taking enemy fire. I thought I was in Iran for a minute.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That was crazy.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

That was.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Dude, that was good.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Oh, wow. He's going to have to fix that in post.

[Luis J. Gomez]

They're guns. Guns are loud.

[H. Foley]

Dude, guns are great.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, I mean, you're making gun noises.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Guns are great.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

You beatbox. You're really talking a lot of over there. What? DJ Limtic.

[H. Foley]

What the is that You?

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Give it up for the Cottonmouth Kings, everybody.

[H. Foley]

You got ocpd.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

That stinks. Think your beat machine's off. Dude, that was. That's. That was significantly worse than.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, wait. But worse than you.

[H. Foley]

Why no volume.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

You gotta get in there. What's that?

[H. Foley]

What do you got a hair in your throat? Piece of crab claw?

[Luis J. Gomez]

No way. Dude, it was better than Kevin's.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I mean, you might have got there the second half. What? Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You guys are high.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I think I Might be contact. I. Girl slipped me a Mickey.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I think maybe.

[H. Foley]

The boys are all tied up.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

We go into your kitchen right now. We walk in. Where's the trash can? Can I see it, or is it not visible?

[Luis J. Gomez]

I don't want to talk about it.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Why?

[H. Foley]

I bet he's got. I bet it's underneath the sink.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Used to be. Whoa. My last house. That was, like, perfectly under the thing. Now I have a drawer for it. I just don't. I don't have the mechanism. Whatever. A lazy Susan, but whatever the mechanism is that makes it slide out. Yeah, because you open the thing, and then it comes out. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

What's the problem?

[Luis J. Gomez]

I don't have. Like, I could.

[H. Foley]

So you open your door.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I have a thing where I have my recycling bins, which I'll just. I don't get. I'm not even gonna recycle anymore. It's insane. This is like premiere 1k. You can just walk. They don't. They don't just tie up your garbage cans with your bottles. It doesn't even go to landfills or. It doesn't go to recycling places. Yeah, it goes to landfills.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I know.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I saw a YouTube video once that stated that. So now I believe that recycling is.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I've seen them throw it all into the same. Same thing. I try, but it's like, I'm not going out of my way.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I try. I do it in front of my son.

[H. Foley]

That's good.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Like this. I like.

[H. Foley]

I.

[Luis J. Gomez]

The same way I wash my hands after I pee. Like, when my son's there, I'm like, this is what you have to do. But if my son's not watching, I don't even care if other people are there anymore. I've stopped caring at that point.

[H. Foley]

Well, I feel like I do that in the. In the airport. If I go in and pee, I'm not washing my hands. Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm not touching my dick with your airport germs.

[H. Foley]

Exactly. And I always just assumed that everybody assumes. Oh, he must have. Have hand sanitizer.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I also don't touch my dick when I piss at the airport. I flop my dick out.

[H. Foley]

I.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Are you going over the top?

[Luis J. Gomez]

You call me a liar? The. Was that about. Why is your producer so aggressive? Laughing in my. In my face? Not like, oh, I'm laughing with him. This is like laughing at him.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

He's laughing at your tiny dick.

[H. Foley]

Get out of here.

[Producer/Assistant]

Perched up.

[Luis J. Gomez]

This is crazy, dude. No over the top.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Oh, you're in sweatpants.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I'm in sweatpants. Traveling. Whatever. I Travel in, you know, track pants, and I just let my dick flop out. And then I piss. And then like a fire hose, it kind of like fills up. It's a little motion going, and then I. I flip it back up and leave.

[H. Foley]

Huh?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Okay. I gotta have a hand on there.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You really?

[H. Foley]

Oh, yeah. Peel over myself.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Really?

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, yeah, his foreskin grew back. He's gonna.

[H. Foley]

He's gonna peel it back on my belt a lot. Like, I'll open it up and I'll put my things down. Down, and my belt will be flapping right in front of my noodle, and I'll pee right on. It'll.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That sucks. Yeah, you gotta, like. They gotta wash your hands.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

You would think.

[Luis J. Gomez]

By the way, my sister wants to.

[H. Foley]

You shut up.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I swear to God.

[H. Foley]

Oh, my God. I can be in the Gomez family easy.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I mean, like that.

[H. Foley]

Then you gotta let me.

[Luis J. Gomez]

She's desperate. Dude, my. Check my sister. You'll take care of a little.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

What was that conversation?

[Luis J. Gomez]

She keeps on calling H. Foley Daddy.

[H. Foley]

Shut up.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I. I swear to God.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Very nice.

[Luis J. Gomez]

All right, I'll call her right now.

[H. Foley]

You know, I've always been jealous that. Not jealous. Envious of how nice your. Your family life is.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's nice. See, you just got to take care of a little Half Mexican. How old? She's 10, so in like five, six years, she'll be. Right.

[H. Foley]

What's the. Where's the. Where's the dad? What's that story?

[Luis J. Gomez]

He lives on the couch, but that's okay.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

No, he.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I swear to God it is.

[H. Foley]

He does.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

I'm not dealing with that.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, no, this is what I'm saying. You put your foot down. You're the man of the house now.

[H. Foley]

How big is he?

[Luis J. Gomez]

He's a small guy. Small Mexican guy. Dude.

[H. Foley]

Oh, get your.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You call. Call ICE on him. I told my sister to join ICE, take like a 50, 000 signing bonus and then remove her husband from the country. What a great.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

That's actually.

[H. Foley]

How come she doesn't ask him to leave?

[Luis J. Gomez]

She does. It's just been a thing. But if she had a nice, strong man in the house.

[H. Foley]

Get the wrong guy, you know, I

[Luis J. Gomez]

guess move to a better.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

You know. Who would fix this guy. H. Foley. That's the guy. That's the guy who's gonna clean all this up and not it up more somehow. You're gonna be on the couch with him.

[H. Foley]

50.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, you're not.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, you're not. Are you 50 years old?

[H. Foley]

50 years old. You.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You are very youthful.

[H. Foley]

Thank You.

[Luis J. Gomez]

How old are you?

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

39.

[Luis J. Gomez]

39. 50.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, that's what.

[Luis J. Gomez]

My sister's only 46. A young broad for you.

[H. Foley]

46.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

46 young broad day robbing

[Luis J. Gomez]

his mom. His chubby mom.

[H. Foley]

What are we gonna do? Thanks, kid. How's her cooking?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Her cooking's pretty good, actually. Yeah?

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

What'd she do for a living?

[Luis J. Gomez]

She's got problems.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Hey, so does he. Tell her to call. Give him a. Give her. Give him his number. I will.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'll give her. I'll give her your number. I'm like fully's interested. She's cute, dude. If you go to her Instagram, like, she's way hotter in those pictures than she is in real life. Just so you know. She's gonna try to trick you this.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Has she ever met him?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Doggy maybe. She might have.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, we met it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, backstage at Story Wars. Story Wars.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Here we go. Would you just give. Would you her at least?

[H. Foley]

Not because she's not a lovely, beautiful young lady. I got you looking for me? That's all I want you to do.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Five grand.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Probably give you an Acura.

[H. Foley]

Entice me. She's a lovely girl.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's got blacked out rims.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

He has a little Puerto Rican flag hanging.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I should get one.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Get that dude.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I really should. The accuracy be like an Uber driver. Super. The most Puerto Rican car you're ever gonna see. It's a little accurate with blacked out windows and black tires.

[H. Foley]

So she's Puerto Rican. Your daughter's half Mexican.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Her daughter.

[H. Foley]

Her daughter half Mexican, half Puerto Rico Rican.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Puerto Rican, Italian. That's what I am.

[H. Foley]

You're Puerto Rican Italian. So the kids. Puerto Rican, Italian and Mexican.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

That's a lot.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

And he can have a retarded stepdad.

[Luis J. Gomez]

The. The daughter, I'll tell you right now, the daughter. If I were you, I would be like, you got to get rid of the daughter.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, you crazy?

[Luis J. Gomez]

The daughter, she's a nightmare.

[H. Foley]

Why?

[Luis J. Gomez]

My niece is just a me.

[H. Foley]

I. I always compliment you on how sweet it is you got when you guys are out to dinner.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, you just see pictures you don't. Like, you can't really understand what's happening. Like, this is the best photo of, like, just like a series of like, horror shots. This little girl's a nightmare. But you can hit her.

[H. Foley]

I'm not hitting anybody.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You can hit this little girl.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

At least hit the dad, Are you gonna.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Are you gonna spank your kid?

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Probably not. No.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Probably not.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, I mean, I. I don't intend to yeah.

[H. Foley]

You don't spank and I.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

And you're. You're one of them. I was, I was just talking about this the other day. You're one of the. The main reasons as to. I was just like. You're very. You were arguing with somebody on Twitter,

[Luis J. Gomez]

just very vocal about just some. Some frog racist Nazi. It's like, hit your kids.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

All right.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I take the bite bait every time.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

You do.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I really do.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I'm always like, I can always tell, my God, Lewis is at an airport or something because it's just like a barrage of arguments.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah. You can't hit your kids. Would you eat your kids fully?

[H. Foley]

No, never.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No.

[H. Foley]

I got hit.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I got hit too.

[H. Foley]

Not hit abusively, but I hit your

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

46 year old new girlfriend.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Smack my sister 1. Give her a fucking crack. She likes it, dude. She's old school.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

You guys would be like.

[Luis J. Gomez]

The beautiful part about a chubby 46 year old is you're never getting me tooed. You can do whatever you want to her. Are you talking Marry her first.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Quickly marry her.

[H. Foley]

I think heart attack. I'd be so lucky. She's lovely. Thank you.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You'd be so lucky. Stop saying these things. She will fucking. Dude. She'll suck your. I really mean this. She looks like me with a wig with white skin.

[H. Foley]

I just thought you were very attractive.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

You ever had a fighter pilot's jacket? And I don't mean a bomber jacket, but it's got to have like decals on it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Every jacket I wear is a bomber jacket. These crowds stink.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

They're all your fans. You stink.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Get with the program. You killing up here?

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I just worked in Tuscaloosa last week.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Just in general, everybody.

[H. Foley]

You never had like. Like when Top Gun came out, you never had a fighter jacket?

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, I think I wanted one at one point. If they were signed it, I'd go to Bradley's and try on a. Remember Bradley's?

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I go to Forever 21 and try on the bathing suits. God. Jesus Christ. All right, let's see here. Do. Have you ever had a voicemail that wasn't a normal voicemail where you're like.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Hello?

[H. Foley]

Hello?

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I can't hear you. Haha. Not here.

[H. Foley]

That's got it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, of course. I mean, I'm from the generation of.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

That's not a generation.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, it's a generation thing. Because you wouldn't have that. You wouldn't have that on here.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I'm from the generation of pranksters. Impractical jokers.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, dude. No, no. Yeah, of course. For sure. We would do fun things on our answering machine. My mom would let us just record, like, we do voices, like racist voices. And we're eating cats right now. Like, really, like just shitty jokes. Like shitty racist jokes from the 90s. That was me and my sister.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I was very. I mean, it was. She's got a good sense of humor.

[Luis J. Gomez]

She's funny. My sister's a funny gal. She got big tattooed. She had a kid. She had a kid. So it's, you know, you gotta get it, dude. Pay for her Pilates. I think she'll be all right. Get her to the gym or Pilates.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

What? Okay. That was always very. I always wanted to. I was very indicative of the parenting, I feel is if.

[H. Foley]

Oh yeah, the kids could leave. The kids were on the voice machine

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

and could do whatever they want. It'd be fun. Like me and my brother and sister be like, hi, you've reached the Ryan's we. And then someone else be like, we can't get to the front. But to be doing me so horny jokes.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Leave a message.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

That's crazy, dude.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, we're. We're.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

It's like growing up on set of Jackass.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Wow, that's. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

I just found your friend Lewis's house.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Did you have any ring back tones or anything? Like, if I called you and like, you know, System of a Down would play. Do you ever have that?

[H. Foley]

I'm losing my mind.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, no, never had that.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Okay. That was always expensive. That was always like 5.99amonth or something. I would never. I could never do.

[H. Foley]

Let's say you're grocery shopping and you pick something up and I don't know, let's say it's a, I don't know, loaf of Dave's killer bread and you're walking around, then you realize at some point in the store, you don't want the Dave's Killer Bread. Are you putting that? You going back to the bread aisle and putting that away or is that going on any show?

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's going.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I mean, he's probably throwing it at a bagger.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's going so deeply on any show,

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

he's gonna punt it at one of the cart guys.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I did, dude. I was at 7:11 yesterday. My son's like, he's got braces on, so he's like, buy me like a soft, like, treat that I could have. So I found like, they have these little seven day croissants. Like they're packaged like in professional packaging, but they've been made within the past seven Days, Right? That's the thing. They're pretty good.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Good, right?

[H. Foley]

711 is really getting their together.

[Luis J. Gomez]

So then I bring it up to the counter, and then I have it, and the guy's checking me out, and I see right there. There's like a. Like a cheesecake type of like, almost

[H. Foley]

like, is it the round ones and they're.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, it's like a loaf. It's like a loaf. You know, like pound cake, but it's pound cake with cheesecake. And I touch it, and it's really spongy and soft. And I was like, oh, that's. That's what he has to have. And. And so I literally, in front of the guy, I just put the croissant,

[H. Foley]

also seven, on top of the UNICEF box.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I mean, it's.

[H. Foley]

Right.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

He shoves it in the coin.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's so not where it goes. He's like, no, no, I'll take that. That's fine. And I was like, all right, will you. And then they gave me a bag. They didn't bag it. They just gave me the bag.

[H. Foley]

Dude, they did that to me at Wawa the other day. What was that all about?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Like, what the. That's your. You got two jobs. Bring it up and put it into a bag.

[H. Foley]

They did that to me at Wawa. Like, can I get a bag? She's like, yeah. And I think they charge you for the bag.

[Luis J. Gomez]

They charge you for the bag.

[H. Foley]

A nice red bag. And then she handed it to me.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Bitch.

[H. Foley]

Bag it something.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

That's crazy. I. Well, the different states have all different bagging policies now. Jersey, you got to pay for.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You go to New York. Kentucky, they give you three bags.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Pennsylvania, three bags.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Like, here's a handful of straws. Thank you very much.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Dude, you go to. You go to fucking. You go to Pennsylvania. You don't enact me. They still go, paper or plastic or both.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I love that.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, both.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's the way it is. I grew up with both paper and plastic.

[H. Foley]

Oh, it's the best.

[Luis J. Gomez]

The most wasteful way to transport your groceries.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

No, it's the most. You're going from the car. It's got. Listen, I bagged groceries for a long time. It fits the best in the cart. It fits the best in the trunk. It's the easiest to carry.

[H. Foley]

So good. You always saved them, too. We always saved them, made it.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

You fold them up with the plastic.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I mean, well, now you buy the bag. The ideas are reusable. So you come back to the supermarket like a homeless lady with your bunch of bags dude, like, it's crazy.

[H. Foley]

Talk about getting. No, you don't. Back up, dude.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I have so many reusable cloth bags. I pick up my dog with them now. Not even kidding. The other day, I didn't have any baggies. And I went into the house that I grabbed. I was like, oh, I have all of these giant cloth bags and I use it to clean up dog out of my backyard. Then I just threw it away, dude, I.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

When I was back, I was bagging groceries. And this is in 2004. So people bringing their own bags in 2004 was like, oh, you were a hippie. It unheard. And, dude, this. These. These single guys would roll up and then go. I go, paper, plastic. And they go, I brought my own and hand you these. Musty is dirty, B. Like, they had them. And I just remember looking at like,

[H. Foley]

you are regular bags.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

No, like tote bags. But they're like old and dirt. I just remember, like, you are a.

[H. Foley]

I always have like a pear in

[Luis J. Gomez]

it and a book. The way you should do it. The way I think about it, dude, you should show up with fucking like roller laundry or roller luggage.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

That's crazy.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's the way you bag your groceries. Not even just one. Just one of the oversized ones that you would have to check. Put it all in there. That is a good.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

You're not wrong.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's not a bad way to do it.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Why?

[Luis J. Gomez]

What is the difference? And I will use that.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Whoa.

[H. Foley]

Walking out of the grocery store.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

So then you gotta walk around. You gotta walk around the grocery store with the suitcase.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That is true. But that's actually great, dude.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Got a big trip coming up.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Well, now they have those supermarkets where you like, literally just walk out with the stuff.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Or no, I'm sorry. No, it's in the. They have it at my shop right near me. The cart scans it when you put it in the cart.

[H. Foley]

No.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Future's here, dude. The future is here. And then you go and you just literally you scan the cart at the checkout and you pay at the checkout.

[H. Foley]

That's pretty Good.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I know.

[H. Foley]

BJ's does something like that, though.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, my sister does Beaches. You know, I'm gonna throw that out there. My friend. She'll double bag you, if you know what I mean. I would recommend paper and plastic. Paper bag over her head. Plastic on your. Trust me. Protect yourself.

[H. Foley]

Oh, boy. How are you with the cart etiquette? Will you return your cart to the proper place?

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm guessing this is once it's all with My son. Like, if I'm with my son, I just make him do. It's like, James, we have to. But if it's just me, I'll just push it off and try to aim it at a nice car and let it roll into a.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

You ever see those guys where they throw the magnet on?

[H. Foley]

Oh, it's so funny.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I could see Lewis fighting that guy in a parking lot.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Don't. Don't film me. Don't try to make me look like a jerk off for your YouTube channel. I'll. You up, doggy. I'm gonna look so much worse than if I simply just take it.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

You just take it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm going to jail now. Yeah.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I don't want.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I don't want to be your prank show. I don't want to be. Don't do any of that.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

It'd be perfect for you.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Lose it so quick.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I'm filming me.

[Luis J. Gomez]

They do.

[H. Foley]

It's illegal.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

The guy who said, don't film me always, then tries to film back, too. Okay, I'll film you. Did you guys up.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Did you do Digital Bazooka before?

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Digital Bazooka?

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's a. It's a prank show. Drew Montana. That's. Dude, it's. It's really.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Beer tag Drew and who is it? Drew and Naim. Naim.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, no, that's.

[H. Foley]

Shout out to the boys.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Who's the other guy on it?

[H. Foley]

I know. I know what you're talking about, man.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm blanking now.

[Producer/Assistant]

James Moss.

[Luis J. Gomez]

James Moss. Yeah. Dude, I'm sorry. All the time. Prank phone call, dude. And Josh Potter was on. Dude, and they pranked me.

[H. Foley]

The live show that they did.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. Oh, they got you.

[Luis J. Gomez]

They got me, dude. Josh called me. Dude, if you want to laugh, like, after this, just go watch Josh Potter. Digital. Digital business. They told me that my. It was a person from the neighborhood, like, community board type thing, and they were like, hey, your. Your hedges are just, like, kind of, like, overgrown, and it's like, you got to really, like, keep them under control.

[H. Foley]

Awesome.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

And, like, just enough to make you lose it, dude.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I was like, they're not actually. So I'm actually looking at them right now, dude. It just starts to snowball, and then I start getting, like, a scent on this guy. I was like, this guy's not. He's not being honest about something, right? He didn't have, like, the name of. I was like, where are these meetings? I was like, who do I. I was like, I didn't. Let me talk to your boss. I was like, I need to. And I go and do a whole thing, dude, at one point, because my. I live in that neighborhood. My sister lives in the neighborhood. My son's mother lives into the neighborhood.

[H. Foley]

So you guys all live in the same neighborhood?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah. Well, at the time now I just bought a house like 10 minutes away, but.

[H. Foley]

Oh, you bought a house.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Congratulations.

[H. Foley]

Congratulations.

[Luis J. Gomez]

But I was like, he. Josh Potter was just like, yeah. So the neighborhood just really. He's like, what do you mean, the neighborhood? I am the neighborhood. I started yelling, I am the neighbor.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

My mom.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's so bad. But it's really funny. But yeah, I bought a house in August.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Congratulations.

[H. Foley]

What's the name of the show again?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Digital Bazooka.

[H. Foley]

Digital Bazooka. Check them out. I love that. Shout out to the boys.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Hey, congratulations on the new house. Very cool.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Thank you.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Have it. Do you have to do any improvements to it?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah. I was kind of freaking out. That cold front for like 16 days just fucked everything up. There was pipes freezing. My hot. My. My hot water heater was going out the H Vac. There was all these problems. And then I sat back and said, let me relax. And then it, you know, I realized that there was a lot of. When it's really cold, it's just.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, you lose the room. It can only. It can only work so much.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, but I mean, you gotta inspect

[H. Foley]

it and all that stuff.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Of course. Yeah, yeah.

[H. Foley]

Roof's good.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, yeah. Roof's new.

[H. Foley]

Hot water heater. New roof.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, but it needs. I'm getting in electric. This is boring.

[H. Foley]

Did you lose the pool? You give a pool?

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, I got a pool.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

You got a pool?

[Luis J. Gomez]

We're opening the pool right now. I'm converting it into a heated salt water water pool as we speak. Whoa, as we speak? It's film.

[H. Foley]

Why the didn't you say that about being classy? You're talking about your Acura. You got a saltwater pool.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, look, I'll show you. I'm excited.

[H. Foley]

That's great.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Above ground, I assume.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's opened.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Very nice.

[H. Foley]

Wow.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's all green, but.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, of course. You got a nice shed back there.

[H. Foley]

That's nice. Green water too. How many tadpoles you growing in there?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Well, I mean, they just got opened it.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

They got a shop do all that stuff.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Very nice, very nice.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah. It's gonna. It's coming together. Got these are all privacy trees. They look all browned out now, but

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

they're gonna grow together.

[H. Foley]

Invite me out there 100% we'll do.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Maybe I'll do a 4th of July.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Invite your sister, too.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I will invite my sister.

[H. Foley]

I'm telling you, she will suck your coffee. Stop it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm not even kidding, dude.

[H. Foley]

That's terrible.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I think I got. I mean, I think I got one more here. Have you ever moved a man mattress on top of your car?

[Luis J. Gomez]

My mom used to get mattresses for us. Like when somebody in the neighborhood threw out their mattress, my mom would go, new mattress for you guys.

[H. Foley]

Oh, my God.

[Luis J. Gomez]

And that's how I live my life.

[H. Foley]

Out of the curb.

[Luis J. Gomez]

At the curb. Yeah. Yeah.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

That's crazy.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's another trash thing. The same urge that I have for, like, stealing money or eating hooker pussy is if I day I'm driving down the street and I see like a dresser, I'm the same. I'll slow down.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I'm like, get eyes on it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I'm not gonna take it, but I'm gonna go.

[Luis J. Gomez]

But I'm gonna. That's takeable.

[H. Foley]

A dresser. I give you.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Is there any value to whatever you're like, what is that?

[H. Foley]

But a mattress, that's tough.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Also, like, what? You're living a certain life where you just see another mattress on the side, you already go, that's an improvement. That's better than what?

[H. Foley]

Have you ever had bedbugs?

[Luis J. Gomez]

No.

[H. Foley]

Never had bedbugs.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Never had bedbugs.

[H. Foley]

You're pulling mattresses. That's what we got.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Lucky.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

I feel that was probably pre. Bed bug the bed.

[Luis J. Gomez]

When did the bed bugs. When did they even.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

It was like early 2000s.

[H. Foley]

Is that when they bed bugs around for billions of years?

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, but the information.

[H. Foley]

Yes, I do.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Billions.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Billions.

[H. Foley]

Billions.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Billions of years.

[H. Foley]

Bedbugs have been around for millions of years.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

15 years. I'm not saying. I know. Night, night. Don't let the bed bug. But I thought there was a big spark of them in New York.

[Producer/Assistant]

Major resurgence in New York City in the early 2000s with a significant rapid surge of infestation starting in 2004.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

And you were living in New York around 2004?

[H. Foley]

Yes, I was. I was around for the big wave of foundations here.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Wait a minute. Are you a bug man?

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

We got Lewis.

[H. Foley]

Congratulations on the new home.

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

Very nice.

[H. Foley]

On the new car.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Thank you.

[H. Foley]

On your lovely, beautiful girlfriend. Thank you. Who seems fantastic on all your success coming back from your trip.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

The brand new book, knives and spoons. 44th birthday success of everything.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Coffee brand Body Brain coffee. Grab that Body Brain coffee. Support your testosterone naturally.

[H. Foley]

And here's the good news. You are still, without a doubt, 100.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Garbage tray.

[H. Foley]

Luis J. Gomez. Ladies and gentlemen, the Birthday Boy.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Thank you, boys.

[H. Foley]

Plug away, plug away, big guy.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Come see me live on the road. LewisKanks.com the Rattle Me this tour coming to a city near you. Skank Fest tickets, April 20, pre sale. Sold out in three minutes. We are going to sell out faster than we've ever sold out before. The boys are coming this year. New Orleans is the absolute best venue for it. It's incredible. I don't see how we could possibly top last year, but it's gonna happen. Lots of fun people that have never been there before. Yo, kratom presents skankfest gangfest.com use that promo code or there's no promo code, but get the tickets on April 20th at 2pm and get my book and all that other stuff.

[H. Foley]

Yes, sir. Thank you, Louis. Kibby, what do you got for him?

[KJ Kevin James Ryan]

If you're listening to this when it comes out this Thursday and Friday we're in Chicago and Bloomington, Indiana. Saturday in Nashville is sold out. And then we have LA for Netflix's Joke Fest and then a bunch of other dates on the website. Get [e-mail] yeah.

[H. Foley]

See you next weekend.