The Bomb Squad w/ Ian Fidance

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast" – Episode: The Bomb Squad w/ Ian Fidance

Release Date: May 26, 2025
Hosts: Kevin Ryan & H. Foley
Guest: Ian Finance

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Introduction

In this episode of Are You Garbage?, hosts Kevin Ryan and H. Foley welcome their regular listeners and introduce their special guest, Ian Finance. The show kicks off with the typical humor and camaraderie that fans have come to expect, setting the stage for an engaging and lively conversation.

---

Guest Introduction and Background

H. Foley begins by introducing Ian Finance with his characteristic humor:

"You look like you should be sold outside of a gas station. Put that out." ([00:31])

Ian responds with his typical witty remarks, detailing his recent travels and personal experiences. He humorously shares his extensive travel itinerary, highlighting his moves from Rochester to Los Angeles, Philadelphia, Delaware, and back to Philadelphia for a comedy gig.

"I went from Rochester to Los Angeles to Philadelphia to Delaware." ([02:20])

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Comedy Career and Experiences

The conversation delves into Ian's experiences as a comedian, especially his recent performances and challenges. He recounts his experiences performing at various venues, including the Laugh House in Wilmington and Rekind, where he faced unexpected mishaps like weather disruptions.

"I got caught in a rainstorm. What more do you want from me?" ([07:23])

Ian shares a humorous anecdote about being "broken up with via text" between shows, which adds a personal touch to his comedic narrative.

"She broke up with me via text in between shows." ([07:50])

---

Relationships and Personal Stories

A significant portion of the episode focuses on Ian's recent romantic endeavors. He humorously describes his whirlwind relationship, its ups and downs, and the red flags that emerged.

"I'm a fun time guy. What did name a red flag about me? Can't see." ([09:22])

Ian's storytelling is paired with the hosts' playful teasing, creating an atmosphere of light-hearted banter. They discuss the balance between humor and personal vulnerability, making the conversation relatable to listeners who have experienced similar relationship dynamics.

---

Travel and Lifestyle

Ian delves into his travel-heavy lifestyle, sharing the challenges of living out of a suitcase for extended periods. The hosts joke about his seemingly endless trips and the physical toll it takes.

"I've been living out of a suitcase for like three weeks." ([22:06])

He also introduces his burgeoning YouTube project, "Ian Do: An Odd Guy Doing Odd Jobs," combining elements of Dirty Jobs and A Simple Life, showcasing his versatility and commitment to expanding his comedic repertoire.

"It's like Dirty Jobs meets A Simple Life." ([25:18])

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Comedic Insights and Advice

Towards the latter part of the episode, the conversation shifts towards comedic techniques and advice. H. Foley and Kevin Ryan ask Ian about his approach to comedy and becoming a headliner, leading to a discussion about joke delivery and timing.

"Weird eye contact and strange timing. That's how you get laughs." ([37:54])

This segment provides valuable insights for aspiring comedians, blending practical advice with humor.

---

Interactive Segments and Listener Engagement

The hosts incorporate interactive elements, such as reading listener questions submitted via Patreon. This engagement fosters a sense of community and allows listeners to feel more connected to the show.

"When you sign up for the old Patreon, you can have your question read on the air by Kevin Ryan, because Foley can't read." ([35:11])

---

Humorous Antics and Banter

Throughout the episode, the trio engages in a series of comedic antics, including improvised jokes, playful insults, and exaggerated scenarios. Their chemistry is evident as they navigate through various humorous exchanges, often escalating to absurdity.

"You're hunting vampires?" ([09:38])

"You need a lord." ([06:13])

"I just set the place on fire." ([40:34])

These moments highlight their improvisational skills and ability to maintain humor even in spontaneous situations.

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Closing Remarks

As the episode winds down, the hosts and Ian reflect on the conversation's flow, acknowledging the chaotic yet entertaining nature of their discussion. They wrap up with light-hearted goodbyes, leaving listeners amused and anticipating future episodes.

"We'll see you next week. Or maybe we won't." ([61:03])

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• H. Foley: "You look like you should be sold outside of a gas station. Put that out." ([00:31])
• Ian Finance: "I've been living out of a suitcase for like three weeks." ([22:06])
• H. Foley: "How do you do comedy?" ([16:07])
• Ian Finance: "This boy comes straight out of school." ([05:25])
• Kevin Ryan: "We didn't hate it." ([35:23])

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Conclusion

This episode of Are You Garbage? showcases the dynamic interplay between hosts Kevin Ryan, H. Foley, and guest Ian Finance. Through a blend of personal anecdotes, comedic insights, and spirited banter, the trio delivers an entertaining and relatable listening experience. Whether discussing the intricacies of the comedy circuit, the trials of maintaining relationships on the road, or engaging in playful humor, the episode exemplifies the show's unique brand of trashy yet amusing content.

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Note: To catch the full experience of this episode, listeners can visit rugarbage.com and explore the podcast on various platforms like YouTube and Spotify.

Transcript

[H. Foley]

Hachi Machi gang, that back on the Block tour is coming to a city near you. So grab the entire squad and come on out and see the boys stand up comedy. And then we play a little Are youe Garbage with the crowd. It's a good, good time.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. We got Atlantic City, San Francisco. Second show added. Portland, Seattle, Brea, California, Burlington, Vermont, Boston, Atlanta, Charlotte, Raleigh, Richmond, Baltimore, Philly, Rochester and Toronto. All tickets [e-mail] do it.

[H. Foley]

Welcome to another exciting edition of are you Garb? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Ru Garbage. Hey, yeah. It's that little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that it's the group to be classy. Just a big old piece of trash.

[Kevin Ryan]

Garbage.

[H. Foley]

I'm your host. Hey, trolley. Coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in a new edition. She's up on the roof threatening to jump. Starting that bullshit early this year. I told her, jump. My coast is coming at you right next to me. Little too close. Kate puts. Huh? He is the CEO of are you garbage?

[Kevin Ryan]

Trying to get away from the ashtray over here. Came rolling in like that, like a three alarm soot fire. Hey, buddy, lay off the feet, will you?

[H. Foley]

Sweeping chimneys. He is the CEO of Are you garbage? He is an international businessman and he's my best pal in the whole wide world. Give it up for kj Kevin, James Ryan, everybody.

[Kevin Ryan]

What up, gang? Shout out to you as always. Thanks for tuning in. Make sure you rate View subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify. Part of the creators program. Then the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com garbage. You go over there, you get all that bonus content.

[H. Foley]

Get. Yes, sir. And how about a nice big shout out to our good pal back with us again today. He's family. He's absolute family.

[Ian Finance]

You can't get rid of me.

[H. Foley]

The meds aren't working. He just darted in from Penn Station. Yes, he has enough luggage for the weekend that he had.

[Ian Finance]

Yes.

[H. Foley]

As if he was Za Zsa Gabor.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's crazy.

[Ian Finance]

I came from. I went from Rochester to Los Angeles to Philadelphia to Delaware.

[Kevin Ryan]

Now I'm here playing the big markets. Yes, Rochester, Delaware.

[H. Foley]

You look like you should be sold outside of a gas station. Put that out.

[Kevin Ryan]

What?

[H. Foley]

In finance, ladies and gentlemen, Our good friend in finance is with us today, everybody.

[Kevin Ryan]

Thanks for coming.

[Ian Finance]

Thank you for having me, fellas.

[H. Foley]

There's something very Bob Ross about you today. Even more.

[Kevin Ryan]

You have some good color or something. Did you go tanning?

[Ian Finance]

I was in Los Angeles and then walking around Philadelphia.

[Kevin Ryan]

And what did you go to in Philly?

[Ian Finance]

Sat on the front porch, front steps at my mom's house, outside, sunshine and power lines.

[H. Foley]

Got you got that.

[Kevin Ryan]

What did you do in. What did you do in Philly? Any of the old haunts? Did you go around? You get any good food? What's a guy like you, you know, you're headlining a nice weekend down there that sho hand out flyers or something. What'd you do?

[Ian Finance]

It was. It was awesome.

[H. Foley]

He's barking.

[Ian Finance]

Packed it out.

[Kevin Ryan]

We're big fans of packing it out. Packing it out. It's not sold out, but it's packed out.

[Ian Finance]

Not so close. It sold out.

[Kevin Ryan]

Punchline close.

[H. Foley]

Host, feature and headliner.

[Ian Finance]

Oh, me save a little money, you get more money. I commuted.

[H. Foley]

I'll bring myself up.

[Ian Finance]

I commuted from my mother's house in Delaware. Kept the travel by office.

[Kevin Ryan]

Did you really?

[Ian Finance]

No, I don't. Stayed at the hotel.

[H. Foley]

The only guy to ask to pick up a waiting table station while he's working.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hey, guys. By the features up, I can do some food running. I just want 15% of all gratuity.

[Ian Finance]

You know, I can park cars until about 30 minutes into the show, right?

[Kevin Ryan]

Just light them and I'll.

[Ian Finance]

What'd I do? Oh, I ate way too many cheesesteaks.

[Kevin Ryan]

Where'd you go?

[Ian Finance]

Oh, I went to Campos. I got gyms at 2 in the morning. The late show was rough. Had to eat it away. And then I got Campos again. And then Geno's. Last night in, I wanted to go to Steve Princess steaks, but I didn't have enough time. Let me do WMMR Friday morning at like 8am which was awesome. And then I did some black show where it's for Fox soul and got a little feisty. I threw some honey chows in there.

[H. Foley]

What are you talking about?

[Ian Finance]

There's on Fox Philly 29.

[H. Foley]

There's a Fox Philly Soul Station.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, it's.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's Fox 29 is up there line dancing. Shoot shub day.

[Ian Finance]

Shub day. It's Spinderella, y' all.

[H. Foley]

And now Ian Finance with the weather. Man, it's hot. As in this.

[Ian Finance]

Gonna be some wind. You gonna have to keep your hats on.

[Kevin Ryan]

About to bust out my sh. Pants.

[H. Foley]

I apologize.

[Ian Finance]

They go. They go. Ian what do you think about this Drake and Kendrick beef? And I go, fellas, I think that beef is expired, man, you the weirdest.

[H. Foley]

White I ever met.

[Kevin Ryan]

Comedian.

[Ian Finance]

This boy comes straight out to school.

[H. Foley]

Tattoos and turquoise jewelry, you jerky.

[Ian Finance]

Uhhuh.

[H. Foley]

He ain't on my block coming here like a seminal. We have to cut this right.

[Kevin Ryan]

What do we do?

[H. Foley]

Sorry.

[Ian Finance]

Ms. Ian, you a wild one. I said, old child, you don't even know. You bring the spice, I'll bring the flavor.

[H. Foley]

Now, I heard you like to get a little freaky deak.

[Kevin Ryan]

I heard you like to swing both ways. Now I have here that you swing both ways.

[Ian Finance]

So switch. You need a lord.

[Kevin Ryan]

We would call that the DL.

[H. Foley]

Just.

[Kevin Ryan]

Just a regular black guy trying to.

[H. Foley]

Figure you out is going straight to hell.

[Ian Finance]

We had Ms. Pat on the podcast, and she was like, I ain't never been around something like this before.

[H. Foley]

Oh, my God.

[Ian Finance]

I was like, but you have a gay daughter. She's like, but she ain't like you. Tattoos ain't the only thing that's colorful. Come on now.

[Kevin Ryan]

So the weekend was good.

[Ian Finance]

Weekend was good. Weekend was good. Went to the old Laugh House. Did you board it up? Oh, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

We.

[Ian Finance]

Me, Shaner, and Drew Montana ended up getting coffee right across the street. So we were just telling old Philly stories and it was really fun. And then went to Rekind. What do you want me to say?

[H. Foley]

I ate a bunch of cheesesteaks. Bombed on local tv.

[Ian Finance]

I didn't. I crushed on local tv. Let me tell you. They made a clip. They liked it a lot. Got caught in a rainstorm. What more do you want from me?

[Kevin Ryan]

Whoa.

[Ian Finance]

Got broken up with in between shows.

[Kevin Ryan]

A.

[H. Foley]

Now we get to it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yep.

[Ian Finance]

Yep.

[Kevin Ryan]

Was this the.

[H. Foley]

Let the mania begin.

[Ian Finance]

Didn't sleep much. Going up the rails I didn't need a train. Call me back. I know where you live.

[H. Foley]

Trying to kill yourself with cheese whiz?

[Ian Finance]

Well, dude, it was funny. She broke. Broke out with me via text in between shows, and we thought it'd be funny to take a picture with me and a knife up to my neck. You need to talk to me right now. Rethink this.

[Kevin Ryan]

Who's the we? Any other voices in your head?

[Ian Finance]

I thought I was at the comedy club. Turns out I was just.

[H. Foley]

I'm sorry to hear that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

So was this a new thing? Was it fresh? Had it been a while?

[Ian Finance]

We met, like, two months ago.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Ian Finance]

Whirlwind week in L. A. I.

[Kevin Ryan]

This was the you you had just met the last one when we did your podcast. You had just met.

[Ian Finance]

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

[Kevin Ryan]

We were razzing at the time for that.

[Ian Finance]

Yes, yes.

[H. Foley]

So it was a long distance thing.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah. But she came to visit New York. Really fun. And then when she went back to la, she was like, look, like, I.

[Kevin Ryan]

You are weird. That apartment is grody.

[Ian Finance]

I got it cleaned.

[H. Foley]

I saw your Fox Soul segment and.

[Ian Finance]

I've never been more in love. So, yeah, she bro was like, look, I. I want to be like, in a very committed relationship. I don't think we're going to be compatible. And I was like, all right. They're like, threw me off.

[Kevin Ryan]

You even mean compatible.

[Ian Finance]

Two weeks later, I see her. It was great. We get back together. I asked her if she wanted to go steady. She said yes, and then we'll live at my mom's. Broke up with me two days later.

[H. Foley]

Hope you like cats.

[Ian Finance]

But there were like a lot of red flags. So when she was like, hey, this is you, I was no with her. I'm a green flag.

[Kevin Ryan]

What?

[Ian Finance]

I'm a fun time guy. What did name a red flag about me? Can't see.

[H. Foley]

It starts and ends with the rings.

[Ian Finance]

These are good.

[H. Foley]

That's too much silver.

[Ian Finance]

No, it's not.

[H. Foley]

Are you hunting vampires?

[Ian Finance]

Rings are good because when they come off, it means business. My eyes go black, like wing of crow.

[H. Foley]

Ian only fingers. Yeah, maybe that was something. Ah. Do you have anything in her place that you have to go back and get?

[Ian Finance]

Just a bunch of minion stuff.

[H. Foley]

I gave her red flag number two.

[Ian Finance]

She told me she really loved the minion rides at Universal.

[H. Foley]

Hey, I told you, I've never seen the movie, okay?

[Kevin Ryan]

I said, they're kind of cute.

[Ian Finance]

I stole her a bunch of minion stuff and gave her one. And then the more I gave her, the more I had to be like, ah.

[H. Foley]

Are you gonna ask him for them back?

[Ian Finance]

Yeah. Can I please have my minion bucket hat back, please?

[H. Foley]

You and the minions all in the car driving across country.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's in the back seat. He's not even driving.

[H. Foley]

I said, left.

[Ian Finance]

We'll find her.

[H. Foley]

I can't think of why she decided.

[Kevin Ryan]

Think about it. He has to go steady. She said, okay, because she didn't. She was afraid in the moment. And then he sent her a bunch.

[H. Foley]

Of minions and then a picture with a knife up to his throat.

[Ian Finance]

No, no, that was a joke. I didn't send it. Should I?

[Kevin Ryan]

We were working.

[H. Foley]

It was a gun.

[Kevin Ryan]

We were bouncing bits.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, it was just a bit.

[H. Foley]

All right, well, I'm sorry to hear that, pal.

[Ian Finance]

No, it's totally fine.

[H. Foley]

Well, look at this. You got the whole summer ahead of you. Look at that freewheeling single Ian.

[Ian Finance]

Summer.

[H. Foley]

Ian, look out.

[Ian Finance]

Yes. I'm on the road.

[H. Foley]

No one's safe.

[Ian Finance]

Charleston, South Carolina.

[Kevin Ryan]

Lock your door. Lock your doors.

[Ian Finance]

By the way, I got tested negative on. What is a spectrum?

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't know, but it ain't cable, baby.

[H. Foley]

This guy's direct tv. Huh?

[Kevin Ryan]

Hey, someone go up there and move this guy's dish direct to video. Signals coming in fuzzy.

[H. Foley]

Ian don't work when it's raining. It's scrambled.

[Ian Finance]

When I work construction, I would call out when it rained. I don't like the rain.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's one thing you know about me.

[H. Foley]

Bye, guys.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't like the rain.

[Ian Finance]

I don't like the rain. I don't like wet socks. Henny, it's not happening.

[Kevin Ryan]

Don't like wet socks.

[H. Foley]

These high heels are brand new, dude.

[Ian Finance]

Actually, the.

[Kevin Ryan]

I gotta run in my stockings.

[Ian Finance]

The guy who I. Who taught me how to be.

[H. Foley]

What's going on there?

[Kevin Ryan]

Kid, you just wiped your face off. You just wiped all your features down 2 inches.

[Ian Finance]

I'm trying to grab my eyes, bring them to the front of my skull.

[H. Foley]

Etching, sketch, finance. Everybody. Getting near a magnet, your whole face disappears.

[Kevin Ryan]

Stop shaking.

[Ian Finance]

The guy who taught me how to be a carpenter that I work construction with, he came to the gig Saturday night.

[H. Foley]

Nice.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, yeah. He yelled out Man Gian at the end of my set.

[Kevin Ryan]

Was that your nickname on the job site?

[Ian Finance]

No, I used to do the Man Gian and put on the homeowner's clothes. That's a joke.

[H. Foley]

Oh, Ian, God love you.

[Ian Finance]

That's not funny.

[H. Foley]

So, what do you have planned for the summer?

[Ian Finance]

I'm on the road every weekend, baby.

[H. Foley]

There you go.

[Ian Finance]

Let's go.

[H. Foley]

Look at that all over. Single, single.

[Kevin Ryan]

Doing your thing.

[Ian Finance]

To mingle. Doing my thing. Having fun.

[H. Foley]

A lot of cheese steaks to eat.

[Ian Finance]

A lot of. I only eat that bad in Philly. I always eat bad.

[H. Foley]

Ladies and gentlemen, this just.

[Ian Finance]

Breaking news. I'm fat.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hey, sorry. We don't make those jokes around here anymore.

[Ian Finance]

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Let me just wipe my face off.

[H. Foley]

It's weight challenge challenged, all right?

[Kevin Ryan]

What? It's eating challenge.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, we're trying to challenge you to hit a punchline.

[H. Foley]

That I will not do.

[Ian Finance]

Just keep dumping ice on them.

[H. Foley]

Get in there. I've had one miss before the. Before we broadcast.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, yeah. Then you said I look like I'm sold outside of a gas station. Whatever that means.

[H. Foley]

I, too. Two Red flags.

[Ian Finance]

We're even.

[H. Foley]

I got a lot of them.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, we all do.

[Kevin Ryan]

Of course. Yeah, I'm pretty good.

[Ian Finance]

We're like the White House at the flags flapping on the lawn.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay, now you're on the bomb board. He's rubbing off on you.

[H. Foley]

You mean the un.

[Ian Finance]

Do me a favor, Edit.

[H. Foley]

How's your mom?

[Ian Finance]

She's doing well. She lost a lot of weight. We really had fun.

[H. Foley]

Oh, Zeppelin.

[Ian Finance]

Stay up and. No, the Wegovy.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Ian Finance]

It's like the off brand. Sure, but she. Do we stay up and watch, like, horror movies? We watch Evil Dead last night. It was really.

[H. Foley]

With your mom?

[Ian Finance]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

She looks like that would scare her.

[Ian Finance]

No, we. We like laughing at bed.

[H. Foley]

She grew up with Ian, so we.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, she's seen it all. She gave birth to the scariest movie of all. Me.

[Kevin Ryan]

She's like, he. Can you turn it up? And his head spins around.

[H. Foley]

You guys watch the movie with you sitting on her shoulders like a parrot.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't even.

[H. Foley]

Now I really got it.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, Luke's. Luke's not even a comet.

[H. Foley]

He's like.

[Kevin Ryan]

This doesn't make sense.

[H. Foley]

You got a lot of balls.

[Ian Finance]

Fingers are on fire. Doing live editing right now.

[Kevin Ryan]

Quick dump to big man. He don't have it.

[H. Foley]

Go to convert.

[Kevin Ryan]

Blame me in. Blame me in satellite dick. Shit just cuts to just me. All right, well, the Big man is currently on the fritz.

[H. Foley]

I got the yips. I really have a feeling I'm never gonna say anything funny ever again. I swear to God.

[Ian Finance]

You tried to throw an easy out there first. Kid's getting donked in the outfield. Sidelines. The yips.

[H. Foley]

I'm like a catcher in the outfit.

[Ian Finance]

Fuck.

[Kevin Ryan]

Catcher in the end zone. You guys are.

[H. Foley]

Damn it, that was good. Can I have that shit? I swear to God, I feel like.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm out in left field with a hockey stick. That's pretty good.

[H. Foley]

I'm like a concession guy with no hot dogs because you ate them.

[Kevin Ryan]

Closed for business. All we got is apples and bananas left, gang.

[H. Foley]

Like an astronaut to lift his mask up. See, I'm done.

[Kevin Ryan]

You'll never work in his town again.

[H. Foley]

Can I ask you this?

[Kevin Ryan]

How do you do comedy?

[H. Foley]

How do you become a headliner?

[Kevin Ryan]

Seriously, it hurts in between my ears.

[H. Foley]

I want to ask you this. Respect. I'm asking you this respectfully. I'm not being dirty. Just because you said your mom lost.

[Kevin Ryan]

A little bit of.

[H. Foley]

You know. Lost some weight. Did she? Is she out there? Does she date?

[Kevin Ryan]

Does she.

[Ian Finance]

No, no, no.

[Kevin Ryan]

She said she has a Social life though, right?

[Ian Finance]

She does, yeah. Yeah. Her and her friends go out to dinner. She actually, the first show Saturday, My. My buddy from high school drove her up to the gig. She hung out with all my old friends. It was great. She got all wrecked. So she's the pipe again? No, no, dude. She got wrecked years ago. When she saw me in Delaware, it was like during the pandemic. It was like summer 2021. She got. Her friends kept feeding her drinks. She got hammered. I don't like, drag her out.

[H. Foley]

Did she drink?

[Ian Finance]

No. They were just like, gail, you're nervous, drink.

[H. Foley]

And she nervous about.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, I'm up there at.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh my God. He's got 38 minutes left.

[H. Foley]

I was worse than Foley.

[Ian Finance]

I was at the new Laugh House in Wilmington. It was like a buffet room. It was horrible. And she's in the back. And I. They just did a write up on me in the paper and I'm like, oh, God. I had.

[Kevin Ryan]

Local maniac out on the loose. That's not. All right.

[Ian Finance]

Dude, dude, they. They did a thing in Delaware.

[Kevin Ryan]

Local man off his meds.

[Ian Finance]

Delaware's most influential, right? And. And I made the list. And the place where the Duponts are from.

[H. Foley]

Dude, dude, it's you and the guy that killed that wrestler.

[Kevin Ryan]

Which may. You may have been a part of.

[Ian Finance]

I have an alibi. I was seven. I was. So they did a list of. Of Delaware's most influential, and then Delaware's most influential artist. And I was at the bottom of the list. And the guy on top was two twin brother Rolly. Derby stars.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's a big act.

[Ian Finance]

I gotta learn how to skate.

[H. Foley]

Just behind the Menson brothers. How was that?

[Kevin Ryan]

They're connected.

[Ian Finance]

Who's the Menson brothers? The Menendez.

[H. Foley]

No, not the Menendez.

[Ian Finance]

Who's Menson?

[H. Foley]

I made it up. I was improving.

[Kevin Ryan]

No way. Never again.

[H. Foley]

You should quit comedy.

[Ian Finance]

You should try improving.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hey, I'll give you an occupation later.

[H. Foley]

Oh, man.

[Ian Finance]

Here's a suggestion. Hang it up.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's gonna be a big rope.

[H. Foley]

Insulting. I'm a heavy guy. Kimmy. Let's talk about factor meals.

[Kevin Ryan]

Shout out to factor. Factor, factor.

[H. Foley]

Best in the business. Those factor meals. Hey, gang, let's be honest. Summer's coming.

[Kevin Ryan]

Uh huh.

[H. Foley]

You know what I mean? Yeah. Gonna have a lot of. You're gonna have a big social schedule. You're gonna be going here, you're gonna be going there. You're not gonna have time to cook. So do yourself a favor. Stay on the nutritional tip. Listen, I like them because they taste good. All Right. I'm not selling nothing to you here.

[Kevin Ryan]

They're absolutely fantastic selling the flavor.

[H. Foley]

They just happen to be good for you. All right, home run. Factor meals, two minutes. They're ready to go. Unbelievable recipes. Get on it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes. Factor powers you, powers your day with satisfying breakfast on the go. Lunches, premium dinners, which I'm a big fan of, guilt free snacks and desserts. I've been, we've been using. I started, I found factor probably about five years ago when I was trying to just cut back. I eat a lot of pizza, I eat a lot of sandwiches.

[H. Foley]

Can I ask you something to break the fourth wall?

[Kevin Ryan]

Uh huh.

[H. Foley]

Have you had the breakf?

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't think I have body. Yeah. Talk about breakfast. But dinner. How you doing, guys? To get started, go to factor meals.com garbage50off. Oh boy. And use code garbage50off to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box. That's garbage50off@ Factor meals.com garbage50off for 50% off plus free shipping. Do it kit.

[H. Foley]

What do you know about Brunt?

[Kevin Ryan]

Shout out to Brunt gang.

[H. Foley]

Choosing work boots used to either mean that you had to sacrifice comfort or durability. Yeah, if they felt good, they didn't hold up.

[Kevin Ryan]

Nope.

[H. Foley]

And if they held up, they were uncomfortable. Yeah, feet are killing at the end of the day. Well, let me tell you something. Brunt finally put that debate to rest because they made a work boot that could withstand the toughest job sites while feeling as comfortable as your favorite pair of sneakers.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes, these might be the most comfortable work boots on the planet, but they'll also deliver, deliver real performance on the job site.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

And if you know you can't be showing up to a job site looking like a bozo, everybody's gonna razz you. Not with Brunt. They were nice enough. I ordered a pair of Brunt. I saw they came, we opened them. Holy heck, look at this. Ryan D. Got on a.

[H. Foley]

Got him.

[Kevin Ryan]

Luke started ordering a. Everybody's on the Brunts around here. The Whether you need waterproof, safe, safety toe or soft toe, pull on or lace up, they've got you covered. The good folks over there at Brunt. Brunt isn't just about work boots. They offer a full range of high performance gear built for tough jobs. From heavy duty work pants to weather resistant jackets. Brunt designs durable, reliable workwear to keep you protected and productive in any condition. Brunt didn't just make the door, didn't just make a durable work boot. They reinvented comfort for the hardest Workers out there. For a limited time, Our listeners get $10 off Whoa. @ brunt by using code garbage at checkout. Just head to bruntworkwear.com use the code garbage and you'll be all set up. After the purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them. Tell them what a boy sent you. The Ayt boys, we love you and thanks.

[H. Foley]

Let our beak a little.

[Kevin Ryan]

Thanks for supporting the show. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Now, how'd you get up here? You take the train? The bus?

[Ian Finance]

Amtrak.

[H. Foley]

Amtrak.

[Kevin Ryan]

Whoa. Fancy.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Ian Finance]

Mom dropped you off, said goodbye, took the old Amtrak.

[H. Foley]

You ride up in the front with the conductor?

[Ian Finance]

No, but I've asked. No, but I'm carrying that. All that luggage.

[H. Foley]

Are you looking for a coal boy merch bag?

[Ian Finance]

I'm going through. I gotta.

[H. Foley]

The luggage is insane. Hold on. You took. Who has a neck pillow on a train?

[Ian Finance]

Huh?

[H. Foley]

You have a neck pillow out there, dude.

[Ian Finance]

I went from Rochester. I flew up to Rochester, flew to Los Angeles, flew to fucking New York and took a train to Delaware. My mom picked me up. I drove to Philly. I've been in Philly all weekend. Went to Delaware, and then now I'm back. I've been living out of suitcase for like three weeks.

[H. Foley]

Okay. I apologize, guys.

[Ian Finance]

Good.

[H. Foley]

I didn't realize that. That you made a trip to la.

[Ian Finance]

Yes.

[H. Foley]

So this was right before the breakup.

[Kevin Ryan]

You have to bring that up again.

[H. Foley]

Really?

[Kevin Ryan]

We were doing pretty well.

[Ian Finance]

Really going to go there, Henry.

[H. Foley]

Oh, I'm not funny anymore. I got to go dramatic. I got to get you crying.

[Ian Finance]

All right.

[H. Foley]

How does that make you feel?

[Kevin Ryan]

He called you a puna.

[Ian Finance]

I'm. Yeah. I've been living out of suitcase for the past two, two and a half weeks.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

What do you have left?

[Ian Finance]

What's clean? I did laundry in Los Angeles and I did some laundry at my mom's house, and I'm quite a sweater. Do you guys have a machine here?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. You got fluff and fold service.

[H. Foley]

Is there a creek nearby?

[Kevin Ryan]

I brought my instance.

[Ian Finance]

I got a washboard.

[H. Foley]

I just need a sturdy rock.

[Kevin Ryan]

It was nice.

[Ian Finance]

Good time home.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's nice.

[H. Foley]

All right. All right.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

How was Rochester?

[Kevin Ryan]

Good. Beautiful town.

[H. Foley]

Carlson.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Love it.

[Ian Finance]

I'm doing a. I'm doing a travel show where I go to different towns and I do people's jobs. So they teach me how to do the job, and I do the job. It's called Ian do an Odd guy doing odd jobs coming out of my YouTube page. YouTube.com Ian Finance Comedy.

[H. Foley]

Don't turn on the discovery Channel anytime soon.

[Ian Finance]

It's like Dirty Jobs meets A Simple Life.

[H. Foley]

I think it's just Dirty Jobs.

[Ian Finance]

No, because he did a lot of jobs in one episode. This is one job.

[H. Foley]

This is a real thing. I thought you were joking.

[Ian Finance]

No, I'm telling you the truth.

[H. Foley]

I'm sorry. I mean to laugh at your pitch.

[Ian Finance]

What?

[H. Foley]

But we're gonna pass.

[Ian Finance]

I put it out on your channel.

[Kevin Ryan]

We're all booked up for the 2025.

[H. Foley]

Dirty guy with dirty underwear dude.

[Ian Finance]

So WMMR is gonna let me come in and be a DJ. I'm gonna DJ with Jackie Bam Bam.

[H. Foley]

Wait, hold on.

[Kevin Ryan]

Jackie Bam Bam's boy has the most. Philadelphia. I'm Jackie Bam, and he doesn't look anything like you think Jackie Bam Bam would look like.

[H. Foley]

Give me this pitch again. I thought you were joking.

[Ian Finance]

No.

[H. Foley]

What's the show?

[Ian Finance]

All the towns I go to.

[H. Foley]

Okay. Do a job to perform.

[Ian Finance]

Yes.

[H. Foley]

When you headline.

[Ian Finance]

Yes. I've been on the road every weekend since.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sounded that meaning for some.

[H. Foley]

I did. I didn't mean it.

[Ian Finance]

I've been on the road.

[Kevin Ryan]

They're doing you skits.

[Ian Finance]

The pitch is, I'm on the road every weekend of my life. If I don't do something, I'm gonna put a gun in my mouth. So instead of killing myself learning how.

[Kevin Ryan]

To do a job, now can we. I'll put that on the channel.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Slow steps to suicide. Attorney and finances.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay, so you did. So what'd you do in Rochester?

[Ian Finance]

In Rochester, I cut hair. So my buddy is a barber. He brought me.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's like a weird fetish.

[Ian Finance]

Taught me how to cut hair. I gave a guy a haircut. Not good. I got my tattoo license in Appleton, Wisconsin. I tattooed a guy.

[H. Foley]

Who's filming this? Nobody.

[Ian Finance]

I have different.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's all up here.

[Ian Finance]

Once I get it to paper, it's good. It's animated.

[H. Foley]

It's stop motion, dude.

[Ian Finance]

I did at. In Vegas. They opened up the BattleBots arena to me, and I got to fix.

[Kevin Ryan]

I got still a robot.

[Ian Finance]

I got to tinker around with a robot, and then I got to control the robot.

[Kevin Ryan]

So I've done a couple of these.

[Ian Finance]

I've done a bunch. I'm. I'm backlogging them so I can release them.

[H. Foley]

Who's filming them?

[Ian Finance]

I get different film crews. There's. There's Red Stallion Media, these guys I use up in Maine. And then Patrick Holbert. Do you know that guy?

[H. Foley]

Yeah, of course. He's fantastic.

[Ian Finance]

So he'll open for me and then come and film.

[H. Foley]

Very nice.

[Ian Finance]

And I'm having a blast, man. It's really, really fun.

[H. Foley]

So you've cut hair, you played with robots, you tattooed somebody.

[Ian Finance]

Yes, I worked.

[H. Foley]

You got your heart broken.

[Ian Finance]

I worked at a lobster shop. Look at you little pulling at the heartstrings. Easy, you're eating the mic. Is it cake?

[H. Foley]

Cake? I'm sorry. I'm being an ass.

[Ian Finance]

So I'm gonna be a private detective in New York. Yeah, dude, the funniest thing with. With the BattleBots is what you. I'm, like, controlling the bot in this huge arena, and there's all these. It's like a Vegas show. I'm controlling this robot. I get one good hit, and then the guy gets me in the corner and the wheels explode. And in the edit, they go back to me tinkering with that robot. I go, what happens if you miss a screw? Miss a screw? Miss a screw. And then it shows a robot explode again, better on film.

[Kevin Ryan]

Talk about Holly Weird. Okay. Only in New York, you got a.

[Ian Finance]

Job out there, and I'm in your town. Hit me up. I'll do it. Let's hang.

[H. Foley]

I'm actually looking for a private eye.

[Ian Finance]

It's very fun. Yeah?

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

For what?

[H. Foley]

Find my penis.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, my God.

[Ian Finance]

Dude, are you for real? Is that real? That was a gag. You need to find a private eye to find your timing. Oh, my God. That was wild. You hang your punch lines down there, too? What the. Henry? Oh, my God.

[Kevin Ryan]

Keep your jokes in your ball bag.

[H. Foley]

You know what the saddest thing is? I thought that was going to kill, and I would have got it all back.

[Ian Finance]

You're gambling.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're chasing dead bodies. You're on the sheet, chasing dead money.

[H. Foley]

Put it all on green.

[Ian Finance]

Oh, God. Good God. You just. You want to pile scratch offs statistics.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, black cat. I wonder what that means.

[H. Foley]

That's good luck. I always walk under pianos, ladders. What's piano? It's not as bad luck to walk under.

[Ian Finance]

Fall on you, you dumbass cartoons. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[Kevin Ryan]

That penis line was delivered like it was 1963.

[Ian Finance]

Dude in the attic. Can you do, like, my robot? Make it go? My penis. Penis. My penis.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's rubbing off on everybody. Well, are you. Who are you going to try to find as a private eye? Like what?

[Ian Finance]

Someone. Someone message. So people message me. I have a email address.

[H. Foley]

You really are a comedian.

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, you are in Holly. You are in showbiz. Look, get me an email address. Huh? This is. I got an email. Actually, you also explained it, like, I don't know what messages are. Somebody messaged me. Well, I have an email address.

[Ian Finance]

If you're feeble mind to ian finance666gmail.com email that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Rock and roll.

[Ian Finance]

Always funnier if he just makes. No.

[Kevin Ryan]

Huh?

[Ian Finance]

We found your lane.

[Kevin Ryan]

What?

[Ian Finance]

We found his lane. Oh, God. I made eye contact with him. Now I have it.

[H. Foley]

Soon everyone will stink.

[Kevin Ryan]

I got 24 hours to live. You better. You better get your spots in tonight.

[H. Foley]

After tomorrow, I'm gonna go out and ruin comedy. I'm like Medusa chick. That with the. Don't look at me like that. You don't know who.

[Kevin Ryan]

Medusa. Now I have it.

[Ian Finance]

What does Medusa have to do with it?

[H. Foley]

Turns people to stone. Plus, I have snakes in my underwear.

[Kevin Ryan]

Look, give me a pair of sunglasses. I don't want to turn to a rock.

[H. Foley]

You just turn to baloney.

[Ian Finance]

It's coming for you. It's coming for you.

[H. Foley]

I mean, I'm killing, though.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's coming for us all.

[Ian Finance]

It's like the Evil Dead Necronomicon.

[H. Foley]

Maybe bad is the new good, huh?

[Ian Finance]

Oh, is that how you played it? That was me. To the guy who fucked up his haircut. No, no, it looks good. It's a new style. Lumpy.

[H. Foley]

Not. Chicks like it when your ears bleed. What?

[Ian Finance]

Mine are bleeding? Listed to you?

[H. Foley]

Can I get a protein bar or something?

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, they gotta help, pal. Why'd you do a lap? Come back. Me and K.J. got it.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm gonna get a 50ccs of root beer. That's how you do it.

[H. Foley]

I need a shower. Root beer wouldn't kill me.

[Ian Finance]

Clear it. Two Twinkies.

[H. Foley]

Now we all have it. Luke's the funniest guy in the room. Switch seats real quick.

[Kevin Ryan]

Luke hyperventilating.

[H. Foley]

Serious broadcast, ladies and gentlemen.

[Kevin Ryan]

You were never a doctor for a day, were you? Whoa.

[H. Foley]

What was that? Why was he a doctor?

[Ian Finance]

Who is the doctor?

[H. Foley]

Oh, for a TV show.

[Ian Finance]

What?

[H. Foley]

How would he be a doctor?

[Ian Finance]

What do you mean, for a day?

[H. Foley]

I think he's referring to your television program, dirty jobs.

[Kevin Ryan]

Unaired YouTube series.

[Ian Finance]

It's gonna be something.

[H. Foley]

Is it safe to say you don't have distribution quite yet?

[Ian Finance]

Oh, I can't.

[H. Foley]

That's gonna be one of the jobs. You're putting it on the air.

[Kevin Ryan]

Just waiting for a hot spot.

[H. Foley]

Come on. That was okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

I didn't hear it. What do we all say? Let's take it from the top and go. You got a new toy?

[H. Foley]

No, I said one of his jobs.

[Ian Finance]

He gassed out on the Tutti. The Tutti was The funniest thing. We started so high.

[H. Foley]

I was saying one of your jobs. Could be.

[Kevin Ryan]

We heard you the first.

[H. Foley]

Oh, you did hear it. You did hear it. Dude, you stepped on it. That's what happened.

[Kevin Ryan]

I heard it the first time. I stepped on it the second time to save you and the program.

[H. Foley]

No, you didn't hear what I said. If I did, you'd be laughing.

[Ian Finance]

Say it again. Say it again. Say it again.

[H. Foley]

Otherwise I'm gonna kill myself.

[Ian Finance]

Join the club.

[H. Foley]

I said.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're not a doctor, are you?

[H. Foley]

Only for a day, I said one of the jobs. He could be a studio executive and put the show on the air.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Ian Finance]

All right.

[H. Foley]

Peace for everybody.

[Ian Finance]

You should. You should try. I'll bring you along one day. We can have you be a podcaster.

[Kevin Ryan]

Not on this show.

[H. Foley]

So you're gonna be a dj, huh?

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, me and Jackie.

[H. Foley]

Bam.

[Ian Finance]

Bam.

[H. Foley]

That's awesome. Yeah, very cool.

[Ian Finance]

Good. It's good.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay, well, that's nice.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Ian Finance]

It's fun.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

Subscribe YouTube.com Ian Finance Comedy. That's where it's going. I'm putting all my stand up on there.

[H. Foley]

There you go.

[Ian Finance]

I. I made a mistake. I took my stand up YouTube page and made it the podcast page when we started.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Ian Finance]

And so now I have nothing for stand up. So I'm starting fresh.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Starting fresh. So get out there.

[H. Foley]

Why don't you just. I guess you can't just use that page.

[Ian Finance]

Well, it's for everything with the podcast.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Ian Finance]

So I don't want to muddy that water, you know?

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure. I got you.

[H. Foley]

All right. What are you looking at?

[Ian Finance]

I'm just in awe.

[H. Foley]

That's how bad I am.

[Ian Finance]

Good to be back together. I needed this.

[H. Foley]

He looked at me like. I remember you used to be funny. It's all the weight I'm losing.

[Ian Finance]

What?

[H. Foley]

You haven't seen me in a while.

[Ian Finance]

That's what your penis said.

[H. Foley]

Damn.

[Kevin Ryan]

Now that's comedy.

[H. Foley]

My penis is more of the guy behind the guy. Let's get some questions. This is crazy.

[Ian Finance]

This is crazy.

[Kevin Ryan]

I think he's doing it on purpose. I thought he was doing it on purpose and now I don't think he's doing it.

[H. Foley]

I'm just real desperate. I'm just really swinging. I'm doing the same thing and expecting different results.

[Ian Finance]

That's the definition of insanity.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, anybody would know.

[H. Foley]

You would.

[Ian Finance]

I'm an expert.

[H. Foley]

Now.

[Kevin Ryan]

Let me come work with you.

[H. Foley]

That's something a crazy guy would say. Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

What do you got?

[H. Foley]

What? You throw it to me like that. Give Me a heads up or something.

[Ian Finance]

In 3, 2, 1. What do you got?

[Kevin Ryan]

Hey, everybody out there. Welcome back.

[H. Foley]

Gang. As you know, when you sign up for the old Patreon, you can have your question read on the air by Kevin Ryan, because Foley can't read. This will be my last episode.

[Kevin Ryan]

Nobody tell Tony I love her. Ah, man. What happened when? It's like, Even though it's 25 minutes, it's like we got so funny that we became unfunny. So, like we were. We were going so hot and it was burning so hot that we flew too close to the sun and now.

[H. Foley]

Speak for yourself.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm killing it.

[Ian Finance]

He's holding this whole thing together and.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm not even doing that good of a job.

[H. Foley]

So you like to smoke cigarettes, huh.

[Kevin Ryan]

Ian? I did tell. I saw Ian in the village at the. Outside the Cellar, and I was like, oh, you want to. He asked me for a cig or a light or something. I said I quit. And his genuine reaction was, why?

[Ian Finance]

Why? Oh, yeah. Same with you. I can't believe you guys are quitting on me. Crazy.

[H. Foley]

I've had a couple. I. I have to make that public. I've had a couple.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah?

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

What's the goal? Quit Total or just down to like one a day?

[H. Foley]

I mean, I would say I've quit.

[Ian Finance]

But you've had a few.

[H. Foley]

A couple.

[Ian Finance]

That's not quitting.

[H. Foley]

Drunk chicks do that. They don't smoke.

[Ian Finance]

Are you a drunk chick?

[H. Foley]

Can be. That's what you're into.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'll go home with you, if that's what you're asking.

[Ian Finance]

I'll cancel my gig this weekend. This episode is brought to you by Lifelock. Not everyone is careful with your personal information, which might explain why there's a victim of Identity theft every five seconds in the U.S. fortunately, there's LifeLock. Lifelock monitors hundreds of millions, millions of data points a second for threats to your identity. If your identity is stolen, a US based restoration specialist will fix it, guaranteed or your money back. Save up to 40% your first year by visiting lifelock.com podcast terms apply.

[Kevin Ryan]

This episode is brought to you by Enterprise Mobility. From fleet management to flexible truck rentals to technology solutions, Enterprise Mobility helps businesses find the right mobility solutions so they can find new opportunities. Because if your business is on the road, they want to make sure it's on the road to success. Enterprise Mobility moving you moves the world. Find your road@enterprise mobility.com.

[H. Foley]

Where are you this weekend?

[Ian Finance]

Charleston, South Carolina. Thursday, May 22 Atlanta, Georgia.

[H. Foley]

Can I give you a heads up.

[Ian Finance]

May 23rd. 25th. Yes.

[H. Foley]

Have you ever been to Charleston?

[Ian Finance]

Never.

[H. Foley]

Okay. Good kid.

[Kevin Ryan]

Want some comedy advice?

[Ian Finance]

Yeah. Come on, Henry.

[Kevin Ryan]

Weird eye contact and strange timing. That's how you get laughs.

[H. Foley]

Yes, it is. No, I was gonna say she crab soup.

[Ian Finance]

What?

[H. Foley]

She crab soup.

[Ian Finance]

What is that? He's speaking Chinese.

[H. Foley]

You'll know her when you see her. All right, I'm back. I got you. Huh? I know that's what you're laughing at. I know when I see you. When you see her, huh? Give me it, please. That was it, right? You were laughing at that.

[Kevin Ryan]

I was laughing at that. Your timing was. Your timing was back.

[Ian Finance]

He can't even act like he's been here before. Please tell me that was a laugh for me.

[H. Foley]

For me.

[Ian Finance]

The thing I said. You're laughing.

[H. Foley]

I'll host a feature. Whatever I need. She crab soup. It's a type of soup.

[Ian Finance]

What are you talking about?

[H. Foley]

She crab soup. It's a type of soup down there. A she crab. It's like a bisque. It's delicious.

[Ian Finance]

All right.

[H. Foley]

It's an unbelievable food scene in Charleston.

[Ian Finance]

Where do you go for it?

[H. Foley]

You go to Henry's.

[Ian Finance]

Henry's?

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Now he's just making all this up. That guy's hilarious. He's the funniest chef I've ever seen in my life. You're gonna love him.

[Ian Finance]

He's losing weight.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's got good teeth.

[Ian Finance]

He just quit cigarettes.

[H. Foley]

He has a couple. Listen. All right.

[Ian Finance]

Come on. She crab soup.

[H. Foley]

The place is Henry's. It's in the French Quarter.

[Ian Finance]

Okay?

[H. Foley]

It's. They do an awesome, awesome she crab soup. If you want to go to a real nice dinner, you go to.

[Ian Finance]

I'm only there for one day.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, and he looks like this. You have your dipstito on you. I don't know where to buy fireworks or something.

[H. Foley]

Midnight in the Garden of Good.

[Ian Finance]

You're going to try he man lobster.

[H. Foley]

I was going to say I was going to send you to fig Fig. Yeah. Food is good.

[Kevin Ryan]

As for Henry, they're going to act.

[H. Foley]

Like they don't know me.

[Ian Finance]

So are we.

[Kevin Ryan]

We're gonna put this out on Ian's channel.

[H. Foley]

Starting fresh.

[Kevin Ryan]

Go out on the main AYG channel.

[Ian Finance]

I'll get a strike. I'll get my channel striked.

[H. Foley]

This is real access cable. It's more of an infomercial.

[Kevin Ryan]

John. Is strike that joke? Listen to me. What?

[H. Foley]

What? What? The infomercial.

[Kevin Ryan]

I am spiraling over here. I've lost all confidence somehow.

[H. Foley]

Listen to me. If you're Gonna go to dinner.

[Ian Finance]

I knew it was another food wreck.

[H. Foley]

Fig. It's really good.

[Ian Finance]

Fig.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

In Charleston.

[H. Foley]

Charleston.

[Ian Finance]

Charleston. Fig.

[H. Foley]

Yes. Delicious.

[Ian Finance]

All right.

[H. Foley]

Unbelievable. And Henry's.

[Ian Finance]

Henry's.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. For the she crab.

[Kevin Ryan]

Stop by Kippies, too.

[H. Foley]

Real judgmental.

[Kevin Ryan]

Listen, we normally don't break the fourth wall. We could be at three and a half minutes or five hours right now. I lost all guess at what minute we're at.

[H. Foley]

I genuinely feel like we've always been here.

[Kevin Ryan]

We're three people that have. Do that, do this for a living for the last five years. What do you. What number do you think?

[H. Foley]

I think we might have died when Ian came in. And we are now in the seventh ring of hell.

[Ian Finance]

I'm. We're at. We're at what, 35 minutes?

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, I'll say 48.

[Ian Finance]

It just says 666.

[Kevin Ryan]

37 minutes.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Jesus Christ. There you go.

[Ian Finance]

Good God.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, man. What a time warp. Dude.

[H. Foley]

Let's go to a highlight reel or something.

[Kevin Ryan]

Cut to the ad.

[Ian Finance]

It's a rain delay.

[H. Foley]

Just play There Will Be Blood or something like that.

[Ian Finance]

I drink your she crab soup.

[Kevin Ryan]

I would laugh at your joke if you gave it to me as a gift.

[Ian Finance]

I've abandoned my jokes.

[Kevin Ryan]

We're back, baby. We're back.

[Ian Finance]

Whoa. I'm a vegetable oil man.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, my God. What?

[H. Foley]

Did I write that?

[Kevin Ryan]

That's crazy.

[H. Foley]

You should have said peanut oil. I don't know. I'm a tallow man.

[Ian Finance]

I'm a grease man.

[H. Foley]

I'm a beef tallow man. That's popular these days. Beef time.

[Ian Finance]

I'm a mayonnaise man.

[Kevin Ryan]

You start beating them with a bowling pin.

[H. Foley]

I'm finished.

[Kevin Ryan]

You guys are sign language in each other. Let your boy say it. Say it.

[H. Foley]

Bug you.

[Kevin Ryan]

What's wrong? What's wrong? What's the sign language for bombing?

[Ian Finance]

Wrap it up.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hey, K. Putz, will you?

[H. Foley]

All right.

[Kevin Ryan]

So what are you up to this summer? Try the lady boy soup.

[Ian Finance]

I'd love to. Email me if I did. 666.

[Kevin Ryan]

All the lady boy crabs out there. Why don't you pinch me? That's Ian fighting 666.

[Ian Finance]

I'm on lady boy prep.

[H. Foley]

Oh, boy. Going down with the ship, folks.

[Ian Finance]

I got a travel show. I'm on the road.

[H. Foley]

That'll save us nothing else.

[Kevin Ryan]

Why don't we cut to a piece of that?

[H. Foley]

Put the Fox soul show on or something. All right, now it's getting scary.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right, Kevin, we're gonna switch to questions. None of one of us has made a coherent Sense.

[H. Foley]

Do the weather. I don't give a what you do.

[Kevin Ryan]

So here's what's happening in your neck of the woods.

[Ian Finance]

It's hot, and on that side of the fence, it's cold.

[H. Foley]

You're watching a bad podcast.

[Kevin Ryan]

This is what's going out on YouTube. Nothing.

[H. Foley]

You got a birthday or something coming up?

[Ian Finance]

We're gonna see a fat chill coming in from the south.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's not. Should have been a fat cold front because that ice. That mic is icy.

[H. Foley]

Fat cold sore.

[Ian Finance]

That ice is Mikey.

[Kevin Ryan]

I went to school with ice Mikey.

[H. Foley]

What were you gonna say?

[Kevin Ryan]

He's talking to me.

[Ian Finance]

He's an old black comic from Philly.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hey, the weather's done. Someone do the sports. I did my. I got my. I got the neck of the woods laugh. We are building this joke by joke every two minutes.

[H. Foley]

The Ian's lost today, nine to two.

[Kevin Ryan]

Whoa. And the Foleys went bankrupt.

[Ian Finance]

The Folies are hitless again. Nine scoreless innings.

[H. Foley]

Luke, sing a song. Do karaoke. We're having a good time. Sounds of silence Play taps. Ian, comb your mustache or something, will you?

[Kevin Ryan]

And now, in our human interest piece, local wacko combs his mustache.

[H. Foley]

On a lighter side.

[Ian Finance]

You know, I just do it whenever I'm about to eat.

[H. Foley]

Ever see a grown man with lice in his mustache?

[Ian Finance]

Why do you think I have the comb?

[Kevin Ryan]

It says red X on it.

[H. Foley]

They're circus Lace, don't worry.

[Kevin Ryan]

What the is going on, man? What?

[H. Foley]

What is circus like?

[Kevin Ryan]

Turn the lights down or something.

[Ian Finance]

You got a coat on. What's the matter with you?

[H. Foley]

He's going insane. He doesn't feel the heat anymore. You know, it's weird when you see a homeless guy wearing a winter coat in the summer.

[Ian Finance]

Schizophrenia. They're always cold.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Thanks for the lighter side of the news, gang.

[H. Foley]

Everyone switch seats now. What's the market at right now?

[Kevin Ryan]

I just checked my phone. I forgot we were on a show. I genuinely pulled out my phone and went through. Hello? Anybody.

[H. Foley]

I'm calling you. Get out.

[Kevin Ryan]

Save yourself. Get the out of there. Let's do plugs and get out of here.

[Ian Finance]

Movies.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do you like 38 minutes?

[H. Foley]

You going backwards?

[Kevin Ryan]

15, gang.

[H. Foley]

What are you having? Coffee.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah?

[H. Foley]

You like ice?

[Kevin Ryan]

Rye. Ry. I need a cold water and a couple of punchlines if you got them. You writing out there?

[Ian Finance]

Just come over here and knock me out. Just hit me right in the head. You have a rock you can smash into my skull?

[Kevin Ryan]

Get that ball peen hammer out.

[H. Foley]

Just set the place on fire. Thanks, Dean.

[Kevin Ryan]

Funny.

[H. Foley]

I feel Sweaty.

[Ian Finance]

I am so sweaty.

[H. Foley]

I feel gross.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, you looking.

[H. Foley]

Good to see you, buddy.

[Ian Finance]

I missed you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Thanks for stopping by. It's always fun having you. Ah, Cousin Ian, my nose is running and I'm sweating.

[Ian Finance]

Me, too.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's like I had she crab soup.

[Ian Finance]

All right.

[H. Foley]

I feel like we're gonna be zombies by the end of this podcast.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, I'm not making.

[Kevin Ryan]

He got too much luggage.

[H. Foley]

Wait, why make you a zombie?

[Kevin Ryan]

What?

[Ian Finance]

What's the luggage.

[Kevin Ryan]

Everybody back. Get out of it.

[Ian Finance]

What does too much luggage have to do?

[Kevin Ryan]

You said, I'm not gonna make it home. I said, yeah, you got too much. L. He thought whatever he was bombing with.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, the zombies they made in the airport. They got all their luggage.

[Kevin Ryan]

Did you guys pack your own luggage? Sir, are these your ratty, tattered clothes?

[Ian Finance]

Zombie wouldn't even bite, Foley. They're afraid they'd catch it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, God, we lost Ian. You look over? He's turning.

[Ian Finance]

Am I still at my mom's house?

[H. Foley]

Did your mom make anything when you were home? Did you cook anything?

[Ian Finance]

She made me pastina.

[H. Foley]

What's that? Oh, did she?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, that's pasta for gay guys. And a little pastina for my little.

[H. Foley]

Angel with a side of cock ring, huh? Come on, that was funny.

[Kevin Ryan]

What? Look, if you don't. If you don't name this episode positive for gay guys.

[H. Foley]

Pastina is the little bitty pastas in, like, chicken soup.

[Ian Finance]

Yes.

[H. Foley]

You forget you're Italian. Yeah, or human.

[Ian Finance]

One.

[H. Foley]

She doing pretty good. It's all good.

[Ian Finance]

Ate it on the front, front step this morning. Nice little.

[H. Foley]

She made it on the front step.

[Kevin Ryan]

Ate it. Why'd you eat it on the front step?

[Ian Finance]

Well.

[H. Foley]

Imagine walking by Ian's house and seeing him sitting up there eating soup.

[Ian Finance]

We were eating soup, drinking coffee, smoking, and doing scratch offs on the front step.

[H. Foley]

You don't have, like, a table out there?

[Ian Finance]

No.

[H. Foley]

Right. On a highway. Right.

[Ian Finance]

Sit on the steps. No, we're in a neighborhood. What are you talking about? We live behind a highway.

[Kevin Ryan]

It backs up to an interstate.

[H. Foley]

I pictured you guys living in a lumber yard or something like that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Aisle nine at Home Depot. They're in the PVC fitting lot.

[H. Foley]

They're sitting in a tent at Dick's.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, I was almost tagged. I was going to, like. Let's all be on the same side here.

[Ian Finance]

Well, yeah, we're all teammates.

[Kevin Ryan]

We gotta. We gotta listen.

[Ian Finance]

We're all on the same.

[Kevin Ryan]

This plane's going down, and we all got to work together to get it back up in the air.

[Ian Finance]

Well, we got to Put our oxygen on first before we could save anyone else.

[Kevin Ryan]

I didn't hate it.

[Ian Finance]

Thank you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Give him that piece of producer. Oh, you want to do a question?

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, let's do it.

[Kevin Ryan]

So how you guys doing? All right. This one's from. What are you nuts? How good is that?

[Ian Finance]

That's the name of the episode.

[Kevin Ryan]

This has to. This tire.

[H. Foley]

This man.

[Kevin Ryan]

You ever go to the wrong party? I was at my brother.

[H. Foley]

I'm at it right now.

[Kevin Ryan]

I was going to my brother's engagement party and saw a bunch of cars parked on the street and people outside, so I assumed this was the spot. I walked around a bit looking for my brother, when I found out this party was a celebration of life. Turns out the engagement.

[H. Foley]

Oh, why does everybody look like somebody just died, huh? What the.

[Kevin Ryan]

I know. His sex life died, but hey, ah, the engagement party was a half. A quarter mile down the road. That's a great one. So it was a funeral celebration of life.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wait for bringing that back up.

[Ian Finance]

It's basically what the show is now.

[H. Foley]

We should all have quarters on our eyes. Bury with my chains get across the river to unfunny town oh, buddy, you're the mayor.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're already there.

[Ian Finance]

You're already moving.

[Kevin Ryan]

You got Easy Pez Lane.

[H. Foley]

I got two twenties on my eyes.

[Kevin Ryan]

Shit.

[H. Foley]

What is going on?

[Kevin Ryan]

Weird.

[H. Foley]

We. I think we might have all died. I. I honestly think that. Or I had a heart attack and I'm in hell alone.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, I'm right there with you, big guy. My hell would be sitting next to Ian and he smells like heaters. And I can't have one.

[H. Foley]

The three of us just bobbing.

[Kevin Ryan]

Smells like heaters. WD40 and Stetson.

[H. Foley]

And a little pastina.

[Ian Finance]

What's Stetson?

[Kevin Ryan]

There you go. That's comedy.

[H. Foley]

You know what Stetson is?

[Ian Finance]

Cologne.

[H. Foley]

Oh, play dumb with me.

[Ian Finance]

I thought you meant this.

[H. Foley]

We need this now. We're in a goddamn foxhole. Get me some ammo.

[Kevin Ryan]

Stick your gun out the out the front and start shooting.

[H. Foley]

Put the radio down, will you? Start firing.

[Ian Finance]

It's Hendrix.

[H. Foley]

You would have sucked a nom.

[Ian Finance]

Oh, my God.

[H. Foley]

You would have had everything. The headband, the on the helmet, smoking weed, dropping acid.

[Ian Finance]

First guy shot, thinking I'm gonna rip a weed out of a shotgun, I just blow my head off.

[H. Foley]

Lieutenant.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hey, Finance, how long you been here? It's his first day. He's all strung out.

[H. Foley]

He's got all the gear on.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's wearing a necklace, other people's teeth. Got these back in face. My dad's an orthodontist. That's how you pull out of a nosedive.

[Ian Finance]

I come with my own ears just to fit in. Necklace.

[H. Foley]

Cut your own ears? Okay. You're using figures up.

[Ian Finance]

They try to capture me. Another guy already got me.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay, man, we're gonna take this right up to. This one's gonna come right down to the wire, huh, gang?

[Ian Finance]

I'll get one.

[Kevin Ryan]

Luke just texted me. We're at 50. Oh, wait, I mean, 20. I almost threw my. I almost threw the computer. Oh, God.

[H. Foley]

I'm eating that sandwich in the fridge.

[Ian Finance]

What kind of sandwich?

[H. Foley]

Huh?

[Ian Finance]

What kind of sandwich?

[H. Foley]

Italian.

[Kevin Ryan]

Are you a comedian?

[Ian Finance]

Let me try again. What kind of sandwich? Sandwich.

[H. Foley]

Still Italian. I'm not even trying anymore.

[Ian Finance]

I'm trying too hard.

[H. Foley]

We apologize.

[Kevin Ryan]

I genuinely don't think I can laugh. I don't know what has happened.

[Ian Finance]

Did we answer the question? You said.

[Kevin Ryan]

I forgot. I can't even. I don't even know what I'm trying to say.

[H. Foley]

What the. What is this nuts?

[Kevin Ryan]

What? This one's from Dublin, dirtbag. Ever pushed a bicycle while riding a bicycle? Man, I knew I should.

[H. Foley]

You're following up. Going to a funeral with that?

[Kevin Ryan]

You guys are talking about sandwiches and it's not even. Not even. All right, let's just say we tried. You know, we. We fucking. We sat in. We sat in the pocket.

[Ian Finance]

We're nailing it.

[Kevin Ryan]

We threw fucking punches, you know, we're doing great.

[Ian Finance]

This is fun.

[Kevin Ryan]

Can't believe you let me die with that bicycle thing.

[Ian Finance]

What was that?

[H. Foley]

Calling a fire mission on our own position.

[Ian Finance]

What are you rapping now? Calling a fire position on our own position.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, my God.

[Ian Finance]

If you're tuning in, please don't listen.

[Kevin Ryan]

Calling this one the Suicide Squad. That's really good. Al Qaeda. Bunch of suicide bombers.

[H. Foley]

My vest doesn't fit. I gotta wear it like a blazer.

[Ian Finance]

Where are we going? Foley's about three clicks to the right. Because you're a landmark.

[H. Foley]

We gotta take this. Foley, Say something, will you?

[Kevin Ryan]

I tried with the buttons.

[H. Foley]

They're paying for these.

[Ian Finance]

Can't breathe.

[Kevin Ryan]

I just forgot we were recording. I was thinking about that bin Laden documentary.

[H. Foley]

I was thinking about that sandwich.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right, you know, I mean, listen.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, that was fun. Hey, literal Larry.

[Kevin Ryan]

I gotta go. We got. I gotta be somewhere else.

[H. Foley]

Stay. I got another podcast to do. I'm not supposed to be here. It's not my time.

[Kevin Ryan]

My whole life ahead of me feel like I'm in the Upside Down. We all forgot what we're doing. We're gonna wake up Covered in goo.

[H. Foley]

Where's Millie Bobby Brown when you need her? Huh?

[Kevin Ryan]

All right.

[H. Foley]

A stranger. The Upside Down. It's a good show.

[Kevin Ryan]

Stop doing that. It's like removing the belt. Dolls. The reaper is gonna get me. Telltale heart.

[Ian Finance]

Oh, my God.

[Kevin Ryan]

You guys ever pushed a bicycle while riding a bicycle? Let's wrap it up. I mean, listen, I don't know what you want from me. We tried. We got. We got our asses handed to us. We went up there. We all.

[H. Foley]

Hey, everybody out there.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hey.

[H. Foley]

What do you got coming up?

[Ian Finance]

I got a travel show.

[Kevin Ryan]

What's that all about? And where can we find it?

[Ian Finance]

It's nowhere. It's nowhere. It's probably not even gonna go anywhere. I wasted so much money. Very care about.

[Kevin Ryan]

Ah, yeah. That's so real.

[H. Foley]

I got this haircut for nothing.

[Ian Finance]

I'm working. I'm not even getting paid.

[H. Foley]

I wasn't at the punchline this weekend. I didn't have any cheesesteaks.

[Ian Finance]

There was no bustino.

[H. Foley]

I was just sitting on the steps like an.

[Ian Finance]

My mom would let me in the house.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's so funny. They can't laugh.

[Ian Finance]

Ian finance.com for all my dates.

[Kevin Ryan]

Ian finance666@gmail for all complaints.

[H. Foley]

Gang. We love you. We'll see you next week.

[Kevin Ryan]

Or maybe we won't.

[Ian Finance]

It's is the end of the road.

[Kevin Ryan]

You might never see this episode. I don't know if we can release this right.

[Ian Finance]

What? This is amazing.

[H. Foley]

That was genius. What are you talking about?

[Ian Finance]

You got to. You got to play your cards.

[H. Foley]

I think that was the funniest thing we've ever done.

[Kevin Ryan]

Luke, tell me that lens caps were on. All right, see you guys.

[H. Foley]

What?

[Ian Finance]

You got to end it.

[Kevin Ryan]

What are you doing?

[Ian Finance]

Why are you defeated? This is great. We're having fun.

[H. Foley]

We'll see you next week.

[Ian Finance]

I'll be here.

[Kevin Ryan]

I won't.