This Old House w/ Chris Distefano!

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Are You Garbage? – "This Old House w/ Chris Distefano!"

Hosts: H. Foley & Kevin Ryan
Guest: Chris DiStefano
Date: April 30, 2026
Theme: Exploring Chris DiStefano’s hilariously chaotic adventures in home ownership, family life, neighborhood drama, and self-improvement as he answers the age-old question: are you garbage?

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Episode Overview

In this riotous installment, comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan welcome back returning guest (and quasi-family member) Chris DiStefano. The trio dive deep into Chris’s recent real estate misadventures, shifting family dynamics, health kicks, ghostly presences, neighborly beefs, and—true to Are You Garbage? form—the often hilarious, sometimes cringe-worthy marks of "garbage" status. The hosts and Chris embrace epic storytelling, cathartic confessions, and trashy laughs, keeping the tone both brutally honest and endlessly funny.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Health & Lifestyle: Peptides, Weight Loss, and Sobriety

(00:41–06:36)

• All joke about their current "performance enhancement" regimes: “You guys are on Mounjaro, I’m on the Retatrutide. Everybody’s got needles.” (Chris, 01:42)
• H. Foley discusses his continued weight loss journey, inspired by co-host Kevin.
• Chris shares that he and his partner stopped drinking for health and parenting—he prefers “weed seltzers” now (05:04).

  “Every single time we drink the little kids, the little kids suffer. So we were like ... we don’t like the way we feel.” (Chris, 05:15)

• Chris finds new confidence in not conforming to peer pressure: “Now I’m finally at a place in my life where I just really don’t care about what anybody else thinks of me.” (Chris, 06:12)

2. Why Chris Moves (And Moves, And Moves...)

(08:44–14:39)

• Chris has moved three times in three months—each time more comically desperate than the last.
• He breaks down the chain of events: selling a renovated Staten Island dream house (with a pool) for all-cash, moving to a cramped apartment in Forest Hills, escaping roach infestations, and ultimately relocating his family repeatedly.

  “We moved from a five beddy house to a two bedroom apartment. Me and Jazz were sleeping on a pullout couch. The kids were sleeping in their bedrooms ... Jasmine’s losing her mind.” (Chris, 11:21)

3. Family Dynamics, Therapy, and Regret

(13:46–14:39, 33:37–34:40)

• Chris’s stepson asks if they’re suddenly poor; Chris reassures him and jokes about monetizing YouTube clips.
• A major regret: moving his kids to new schools so often. “I only have one regret in my life, and that is what I did to my kids, moving their schools. I regret it.” (Chris, 34:02)
• Chris credits therapy, Jesus, and “peptides” for improved decision-making: “Two things we didn’t have in my life then that we have now, that saves everything: One, Jesus ... Two, Peptides.” (Chris, 12:11)

4. Ghosts, Gut Feelings, and Superstitions

(15:12–16:18, 39:01–39:34)

• Jasmine (Chris’s partner) has a preternatural sense that the landlord’s mother died; this is validated hours later.

  “She’s here. She’s passed away and she wants us out of this house.” (Jazz, via Chris, 15:54)

• Jasmine senses haunted vibes in rental homes, but Chris confirms their current Westchester house “is clear.”

5. Home Ownership in Westchester: A True ‘Garbage’ Adventure

(17:57–41:28)

• Chris finally lands a historic 1899 Tudor in Westchester and swears the family will stay put—no matter the cost.

  “I strapped myself to the mortgage and the taxes ... The only way we won’t move, is I’m gonna pull my stress up to a thousand and we’re just gonna make this place work.” (Chris, 24:29)

• Financial stresses loom: 53 original windows need replacing (at 0% financing); “My debt ... just went up about two grand more a month.” (Chris, 26:05)
• Oil bills skyrocket due to poor insulation: “My oil bills are out of control ... I got oil, I got propane, I’m living off the grid, boys.” (Chris, 27:07)
• Pool tales: “You know what the deep end is? 15ft.” (Chris, 41:18)
• Some features turn out to be not-as-advertised: “Those beautiful columns? ... No, those are Indian columns. The Raj family put those in.” (Preschool teacher, via Chris, 44:31)

6. Neighborly Interactions & Peach Pie Diplomacy

(38:32–65:56)

• The neighbors are colorful: a jacked, barefoot diabetic; a neighbor’s wife who always knows what Chris is texting; a McRib-eating deer; and one father triggered by Chris’s “success.”
• Chris tries to be friendly: “First thing I did, moved in there August 1st ... got a beautiful peach pie. Dropped it off at the precinct.” (Chris, 58:04)
• A near-beef with a broke neighbor over shoveling snow is resolved with therapy-inspired honesty:

  “That ain’t my problem, that’s your problem. We all gotta pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps.” (Chris, 65:56)

7. Home Repairs, DIY, Trash Schedules, and Bundt Cakes

(51:07–53:21)

• Chris gets into home repairs: “I have been doing some more handy things around the house. Hung up a picture the other day. Put an anchor in.” (Chris, 52:07)
• The family’s favorite treat? Bundt cakes (“We’re big on bunts.”)
• Discussing home structure: wood, wainscoting, and floors with “square-head nails” (54:21).

8. Community, Volunteering, and Self-Improvement

(46:09–48:58)

• Chris volunteers at a soup kitchen ("up there" in Westchester): “Helping other people, feeding them, doing that helps me feel better about me. … Nobody’s really that different.” (Chris, 48:02)
• The apparent “wealth” up there is only “surface level”; the poor and homeless “come up from the Bronx or Yonkers.”

9. Spirituality & Religion

(06:36–08:16)

• Chris incorporates Catholic practices into his life—goes to church, sometimes confession; makes clear he’s “not preaching religion,” but finds personal benefit.

  “That’s what it is, baby. I got Jesus Christ in my life.” (Chris, 06:37)

10. Comedy, Career, and Creating Your Own Luck

(28:09–32:36)

• Chris is hustling: regular shows at New York Comedy Club, back on tour, and ramping up podcasts like “Chrissy Chaos” and “History Hyenas.”
• He’s resigned to “DIY” content: “Nobody’s going to give you anything. Calvary’s not coming, so you gotta create your own stuff.” (Chris, 31:46)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Moving too Much:
  “I moved three times in three months with a full family, dude.” (Chris, 13:23)

• On Health Kicks:
  “I’m on BPC 157, TB 500, MOT-C, Selank, and Retatrutide… I want to look like somebody’s jacked Aunt.” (Chris, 01:52)

• On Pool Depth:
  “You know what the deep end is? 15ft. This is pre-permit, pre-regulation.” (Chris, 41:18)

• On Neighbor Drama:
  “You invited you into my home, you drank all my beer and flip flops … this hotshot comment is a preconceived notion … all that stuff is with you and it’s really not my problem, it’s yours.” (Chris, 64:28)

• On Regret:
  “I only have one regret in my life, and that is what I did to my kids, moving their schools.” (Chris, 34:02)

• On Windows:
  “I got 53 windows, scuzzy wuzzy. 0% APR for four years.” (Chris, 29:04)

• On Small Town Gossip:
  “Small town, they know the comedian lives in that house … That sunroom you got? I banged a girl on that couch.” (Chris, 57:01)

• On Self-Help:
  “Every life choice you make … it’s gotta come from within.” (Chris, 46:46)

• On Spirituality:
  “We got the numbers, and we got Jesus. I think Jesus wins in the great war. All day. He’s ripped. He can take some pain.” (Chris, 08:23)

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Timestamps for Significant Segments

• [01:42] – Doping and peptides as the new suburban dad drugs.
• [05:15] – Why Chris gave up drinking: health and family.
• [10:24–12:04] – The logic (and chaos) behind Chris’s triple-move saga.
• [13:46] – Stepson asks: “Did you lose your job?”
• [15:48] – Jasmine predicts landlord’s mother’s death; ghostly vibes.
• [24:29] – “Strapping” to the mortgage so he can't move again.
• [26:05] – The looming monthly debt (Pella windows).
• [41:18] – A 15ft deep pool; propane heat (and pride).
• [58:04] – Peach pie diplomacy with the local police precinct.
• [64:28] – “Hotshot” neighbor: neighborly resentments laid bare and resolved.

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Tone & Style

The episode crackles with the show’s classic blue-collar, confessional, and self-roasting humor—no one escapes ribbing, least of all Chris. Even moments about regret, finances, and family are treated with sarcasm, honesty, and warmth. The trio’s rapport is infectious: loud, laughing, occasionally introspective, always quick with a punchline.

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In Closing

This episode is a quintessential “Are You Garbage?” blend of family, chaos, money woes, ghost stories, homemade trash cans, and self-improvement. Chris DiStefano brings manic, heartfelt energy, painting a portrait of suburban life that’s far from glamorous, yet full of love, absurdity, and hope. By the end, he may or may not be “garbage”—but he’s certainly a great hang.

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Transcript

[A]

Gang, that back on the block tour just keeps a rolling on. Grab your tickets, grab the squad. Come on out. See the boys.

[B]

Yeah. This May, we got Los Angeles. Then we're doing the comedy Cellar in New York City. Little Ayg and friends show, Portland, Maine. Those tickets are going fast. We got two shows in Pittsburgh, then Cleveland, Ohio, Atlantic City, New Jersey. This summer, the boys are going down ashore and then comedy works in Denver. Get those tickets, come to a live show. We love you.

[A]

Hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is are you Garbage Show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that if they give it to be classy, just a big old piece of trash.

[B]

Trash.

[A]

I'm your host, H. Foley. Coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Toady's in a new edition. She's upstairs with her TRT and peptides. Got chest hair coming in.

[B]

Got that V coming.

[A]

Beat me in arm wrestling yesterday. My coach is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of Are you garbage? He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world. Give it up for KJ Kevin James Ryan.

[B]

Hey, what's up, gang? Shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in as always. Please make sure you rate view subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify too. And the boys are climbing.

[A]

We're in the charts. Top of the pops next week, baby.

[B]

And then obviously, the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com. are you garbage? You go over there, you get all that bonus content.

[A]

That's right, Kippy. We couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly and I mean incredibly special guest back with us again today. I, a family member here at Antuti.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Just a kid from the other side of town. Give it up for Chris DiStefano, everybody.

[C]

What's up, everybody?

[A]

The one, the only.

[C]

How you doing, my friends? Look at this coming in. Everybody's shooting up.

[A]

Everybody's shooting up.

[C]

You guys are on Mounjaro. I'm on the Rhetor Truth Tide. Everybody's got needles.

[B]

It's like, fuck. You're like fucking balco labs in here, dude.

[C]

What I'm gonna start to do is. What are you on?

[A]

Kep 11. You on Kep 11?

[C]

Yeah. I'm on BPC 157TB 500. I'm on MOT C. I'm on Solank. I'm on Reddit. Truth tie.

[B]

Little dic.

[C]

That's what it is.

[A]

You like that guy that sold Mickey Rourke all the steroids in the wrestler.

[C]

That's what I'm trying to look like, Mickey Rourke. I want to look like somebody's jacked Ant.

[A]

He won the Academy Award for that movie. He did Supposed to be Nicolas Cage.

[C]

They said, I haven't seen you in a while, Hank. And I was. When you were. You were full van, you were ripping a heater out there. And I said. I said, well, you look great. What you do? And then you turn to the side. I said, growing the hair out. Yeah.

[B]

He went. It was a.

[A]

Growing the hair.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

It was a real, like, Aunt Diane response.

[C]

Can we do a thing? Can we set a goal where you get down to 150 down? £150 down 150. No. Yeah, yeah, I know. Thanks, Philadelphia. No. 150 down, 150 off the starting weight. We cut the hair.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

What do we think of that? I pay for. I'm talking about.

[A]

You take me to a nice joint, I'm gonna.

[C]

Know what I'm gonna do. I got a great barber. They're gonna come here, gay guy, clip you up. Nice. Edward Scissorhands.

[A]

I like that.

[C]

And he comes and clips you up. And we get to the number one five. Zero down.

[A]

I like that. Right now I'm at 85.

[C]

So we got. What do we. So we got 70 something ish more to go. 65 more to go.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And then we cut the hair. What do you think?

[A]

I'm down.

[B]

I think maybe we do it before that.

[C]

Right.

[A]

Well, here's the thing. I grew it out for tires because the guy. The.

[C]

Sure.

[A]

The guy has a ponytail. And now I kind of like it.

[C]

It does look good.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And I'm kind of in a, you know, a transitional spot in my life. And, you know, I'm letting the hair grow a little bit so it feels right.

[C]

You're letting it go. You're letting the hair go. You're letting the weight go.

[A]

Weight go.

[C]

Good man.

[A]

Letting the past go, baby. Letting the pain go. Letting the pain go. New book by H. Foley, right?

[C]

More of a pamphlet, Right? And Kippy looks good too. But the big man. The big man's outshining.

[A]

Well, Kippy was really the inspiration for this. Kibby really got down there, right? He was chunky.

[C]

Chunky monkey.

[B]

I got big. I got real big. My fucking. My head gets bigger and this part stays bigger.

[A]

He likes the gummy bears, Chrissy.

[C]

Yeah, he likes. And you know what? It was. You weren't. Now you look good. You weren't storing the fat right? No, you weren't stor. You're not. Some people are good at storing the fat. I'm not actually. Hank looked okay fatter because he stored it. You didn't look good fat. You look good like this.

[A]

I can store it.

[C]

Cause you don't have a fat. You don't have fat features. You know what I mean?

[B]

I don't know.

[C]

You don't. And your ass blows out a little bit like a pear.

[A]

And your face gets real pudgy.

[B]

I'm glad you guys put a lot of thought into this. Did you guys have a fucking A production meeting?

[C]

Yeah, yeah. We used to call you Whole Foods when we walked in.

[A]

But no, Kibby really got down now he looks great and he did it quick. So then I started on the, on the Zeppelin and laid off the booze for a little while.

[C]

Nice.

[B]

It's the booze man. I can tell on a. We go on like a four or five day run out there on the road. We're doing the meet and greets. I can see it first night. Cause I'm like, oh, I'm looking, I'm tight. Night three, night four, I'm having a couple of these fantastic garage beers.

[A]

Beverages.

[C]

Crazy.

[B]

I think I'm allergic to beer. Dude, I get so sweaty.

[A]

Don't say that. What are you talking about? Not garage beer.

[B]

No, obviously not.

[C]

I think you might be. I haven't had a sip of booze in about four months. No kidding. Yeah, I've been. I have. If I am going to go out and party a little bit, I'll have a weed. Like a THC CBD seltzer. A weed seltzer. Cause you know what? It was me and my lady, we were just like. It wasn't any of, like. It wasn't this thing about like, you know, this come to Jesus moment. We both were just like. We don't like the way we feel. We have little kids. Every single time we drink the little kids, the little kids suffer. So we were like, there's just also, you know, we got a teenage stepson, her son, he's looking at us.

[A]

He's a teenager now.

[C]

He's 15 years old.

[A]

Holy shit.

[C]

We're having a couple of pops in the house, drinking wine and it's like, you know, subconsciously then they start to see it. So it's no judgment on people who do want to drink. It just wasn't for us, you know. And it's a nice place. I'm 41 and I find I used to. I still was suffering from peer pressure, like at the Met. We went to the Mets game recently with my friends from home, and they were all making fun of me not drinking. And I would have caved to that last year. But now it's like I just don't care. Now I'm finally at a place in my life where I just really don't care about what anybody else thinks of me, but in a positive way. Doesn't mean I'm going to go out and be a scumbag to someone. But I'm just not taking in. I'm just not taking in everyone's opinions anymore. I'm like, what?

[B]

What life do I want to look at your behavior?

[C]

What life do I want to live what's best for me and my family and then I'll do that with also. But not screwing anybody over, you know what I mean? But I can't tell you how many years of my life I was living somebody else's life. Whoa, that ain't even real, man. Oh, man, I didn't even do that. I didn't even mean to do that.

[A]

The gospel according to Christian.

[C]

That's what it is, baby. I got Jesus Christ in my life. Are you going to church?

[A]

Are you going to church?

[C]

Back to church? No, you're not back to Jesus.

[A]

Are you guys going to mass up there?

[C]

Well, she doesn't really want to go, but I go. And if I used to try to force the kids to go, but now I kind of make everything, you know, you want to come? Come as you are going to put pressure, but I'm going.

[A]

You're going by yourself?

[C]

I'm going. Sunday's 10:00am wow.

[B]

Can I ask you, do you take communion? Then leave.

[C]

I take what? No.

[B]

So that's a real dirt bag church thing that I did all growing up. My dad, we go dirt bag Catholic.

[A]

Move.

[B]

You want to know what's bad? My dad wouldn't even take take it. He had like, the guilt of like, I, oh, I've done some stuff. I can't do it.

[C]

I know my mother.

[B]

So I would take it. And then he would have the car waiting out front and I'd walk out, hop in the car.

[C]

My mother's same way. She would say, you know, go, glad I'm going back to church. But she was like, have you went to confession? Because if you have a confession, then you can't take communion. And so I, I spoke to a priest about that and he said, that's old world thinking. That's fine. You can take, you can take the eat Jesus's body all day.

[A]

But how come you, you don't like a confession? I'd like. I've been in confession like three or four times in the last like few months.

[B]

Real a couple of days. It ain't like you like going.

[A]

I like going.

[C]

Do you know the act of contrition? You have it memorized?

[A]

Of course. Oh my God. I'm sorry for my sins and choosing to sin and failing to do good. I've sins against you and your church. I firmly in tab to help of your son and make up for all my sins and love as I should. Bang. I'm clean.

[C]

That's what it is. Get me a bag.

[B]

Now let's try the act of nutrition.

[C]

Hey, boo waka waka.

[A]

And we're not preaching religion over here.

[C]

No, no, no. That's what we are just getting a

[B]

fucking 45 second prayer. What are you talking about?

[C]

I want to be clear. I want. We're not preaching religion in any way, shape or form. You do what you want. You do what you want.

[A]

If I'm not Catholic, you're going to burn in hell.

[C]

No, I'm just saying if, you know, mom, Donnie's the mayor. If we got a crusades coming, I'm happy on the Christian side is what I'm saying.

[A]

He's a nice kid.

[C]

We got the numbers and we got Jesus. I think Jesus wins in the great war. All day. He's ripped. He can take some pain.

[B]

He's on a manjaro, it looks like.

[C]

I mean.

[B]

Yeah, dude, he's got that V cut heavy.

[A]

Chris is giving Jesus peptides.

[C]

I guarantee you Jesus took peptides. Why the hell not? But we feel good. We're back out there, back in action.

[B]

That's good.

[C]

And yeah, living life. Moved again.

[B]

You got. Yeah, you moved again. Which it seems every time we have you, you just moved or you're about to move or you listed a house or you're checking out a house or something. Can't keep you down.

[A]

Yeah, take me back. You were in an. You got rid of the house and

[B]

you went to Staten Island.

[C]

So what we did, the whole thing

[B]

ended like Ridgewood again.

[C]

Here's what happened. You ready for this? Through years of therapy, we figured out what's caused this chain reaction. All right, here's what happened. So you're a piece of work. We get the house in Staten island you guys came to.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Right? Yeah, beautiful, beautiful property.

[C]

Beautiful house.

[B]

I redid the pool because you like filled in the pool or Made you redid the pool right away.

[C]

Went crazy on the pool. Shout out Wooddale Avenue, Staten island. Live there. I sold it to a Palestinian family and let's just say the neighborhood was not happy with me. Although he's a very nice guy and really good person. Gave me all cash, so couldn't say no. But as I was, as I was leaving that block, we got a few part text. What the hell are you doing?

[B]

So I thought we said never forget.

[A]

Money's flying out of the bag.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I was all cash.

[C]

Yeah, dude, I, I drove. I drove away with a bag of cash dressed as a chic. I said get the hell out of here.

[B]

On my way to Ridaya.

[C]

Hey, how you doing? Rock the Casbah. Yeah, I went last year. I'll go again, so. And I need to go again because of Pella windows. I'll tell you about it in a second.

[B]

They got you.

[C]

They, they clipped me, so.

[B]

You stink.

[C]

So what happened? What happened is, you know, we're sitting there, this is about 20, 23, you know, and, and I'm nervous, right? Anxiety. I'm the house. We gotta move. I got, you know, Staten Island. What are we doing out here? I need to be in the city to be in the action. So we sell, right?

[B]

Like you want to be in. Stand up. Like you want to be in. Like what action?

[C]

That.

[B]

Well, did you even identify it in

[C]

your head while he has here? No, the thing was I was putting, I was putting all this energy into it. Must be the house that's making me feel this way. So what do we do? So we go. We have a lot of friends in Forest Hills, Queens. Great area. Born and raised in Queens. You know jazz, like Queens a lot. So we say, you know what? We had a five bedroom house in Staten Island. Beautiful, no problems. I mean kids loved it.

[B]

Beautiful house.

[C]

School was great. I mean, you know, so we sell the house and we move into a two bedroom apartment in Forest Hills, Queens. Because I wanted to get, with the money that we got from the house, from the Palestinian money, I wanted to get a, like a triplex apartment in Forest Hills. We're going to have to buy it, do construction. It's going to be a whole year process. I said, let's do it. So we're in contract for it. We're staying in this two bedroom apartment. All of a sudden the one thing. Jasmine first of all is upset with me. She's like, we moved from a five beddy house to a two bedroom apartment. What the hell? What the hell are we Doing.

[A]

How are you doing that? You got. You got three kids.

[C]

Me and Jazz were sleeping on a pullout couch, this living room. The kids were sleeping in their bedrooms. It was a crazy, crazy thing I did, right? So. So there's the number one thing Jasmine hates the tr. Only thing that's traumatic. She grew up in the hood, survived a lot. Roaches, right? All of a sudden, we're about a week into living in this apartment. Roaches on the wall, beautiful apartment. Roaches everywhere. She flips out. Chris, get me out of this apartment. You sold our beautiful house. Now I'm in a roach infested apartment. Just a month ago, we had everything we wanted. Now because of your big dumb idea, we're here.

[A]

You're taking heat.

[C]

Taking heat. So then I'm like, okay, I'm going to. Look, I'm going to get. I'm going to rent us a house. I'm going to figure this out. Don't worry about it.

[B]

You're not bouncing this off anybody. You're. You're just, you're leading the charge.

[C]

We're just moving. We got.

[B]

That's a crazy way just to talk about acquiring real estate.

[C]

Two things we didn't have in my life then that we have now, that savings for everything. One, Jesus already talked about him. One, two things we didn't have. One Jesus. Two Peptides. So we have those two things, Jesus and Pepys. And now we're thinking better. But so we go to the walkthrough of the apartment that we're in contract with, that we're gonna buy, we're gonna do some demolition on, blah, blah, blah. Go in there, guess what? Everywhere on the walls, roaches, roaches. She says, I'm not living in an apartment. I will not do it. It's the only thing. Trauma. She's like, I can deal with mice. I can deal with anything. Roaches. No, it's a, you know, psych. PTSD from how she grew up. I said, oh, my God. So that falls through. But now we're in Queens. We got the kids in a new school, we got them back in Catholic school. Everything's going, Jesus saved, Jesus saves. So we rent. We rent this house, right? And it's like an old lady's house. I mean, it's a nice enough house, don't get me wrong, in Forest Hills, but it's an old. It's, it's, you know, we came from, you know, we did all this renovation in Staten Island. Now we're sitting in this old lady's house. Nobody's happy. I'm not happy. The family's not happy. My kids are, you know, adjusting to it all.

[A]

So then you're packing everything up and you're moving.

[C]

We're packed, dude. I moved three times. I moved three times in three months

[B]

with a full family, dude.

[C]

Full moves, Right? So then. So then we, you know, we're looking. We say, you know, the kids come to us and, you know, they're happy. You know, they're happy enough for sure. But they like, you know, we missed the pool, we missed the yard. We had all those things. And, you know, my stepson actually came to me. He was like, you know, I won't tell my sisters. He's like, but did you lose your job? Like, do you not have money?

[B]

Are you writing anything?

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

You gotta turn material. Are you doing clips? Yeah.

[C]

What are you doing? Yes. He's like, are you on the algorithm? She's like. He was like, you know, do you can.

[B]

Who's doing your thumbnails?

[C]

Yeah, exactly. He's like, you got to get on with Mr. Beast and you're tanking here. Yeah, that's awesome.

[B]

My mom hit me with that one.

[C]

So then we find. Do you know Drew Ski? Yeah. What are you doing? So then we find. So we keep looking for houses.

[B]

I mean, well, he's acting like it. Yeah, they're flip flop. That's what happened when my. Dude. When money was bad at my house, we were moving a lot. In the middle of the night.

[C]

Yep, yep.

[B]

So apartment to apartment, dude.

[C]

So then finally it gets to Jazz sits down me. She's like, look, we. We have to move again. We have to fix this. She was like, so let's start looking. You know, we. We. We've moved the kids twice already. We're going to have to move them. You know, we're not. We don't have to. She was like, but I think. Let's do. Let's.

[B]

This isn't super sustainable, right?

[C]

She's like, you know, we're renting long term. And then the lady who. You know, whose home we were renting, the old lady. The old lady, you turned around and said, listen, I'm gonna put.

[B]

She was there with you?

[C]

No, no, no. She. She's just.

[B]

What the.

[C]

I know. She's. She's gonna. She's gonna put it up. She says, I'm gonna put it up for sale. When?

[B]

That's pretty good, though.

[C]

No, when my mother. When my mother passes away, she says, I'm gonna put it up for sale.

[A]

Wait, the old lady has a mother.

[C]

Old lady has. Yeah, this is crazy. The old lady's mother was, like, in her late 90s, and the old lady we were getting from was, like, in her 70s. She had him young back then. That's the way it was.

[A]

Did it.

[C]

And here's the thing. Here's crazy things about just. I think Latina women are very connected to, I think, another realm that they always know what you're texting. They always know what you're doing.

[A]

They know you're texting.

[B]

They call it spyware, guys.

[C]

So she, the old lady. The woman's the old lady's mother, right? Was dying, right? We're in this house, renting this house for about a year. All of a sudden, middle of the night, Jazz wakes up. 4:00 the morning. She's up, just sitting up. And then I turn over, I wake up, I'm like, what's up? You all right? And she's like, I think. I think the mother's dead.

[A]

Get the fuck.

[C]

And I said, that happens. And I said, what do you mean, that happens? I said, what do you. What do you mean? She was like. I was like, you get a call? And she said. She said, no, no, I can feel that she's dead. He goes, she was like, I can't see her, but I can feel her. She's here. She's passed away, and she wants us out of this house. She was like, I'm telling you, Chris, I'm telling you, you gotta believe me. She's being serious. She's not that. She ain't the type Jazz, to do that. She's a. She's a real deal, you know, girl. She's not about that shit. So I say, jaz, just.

[A]

I would have left everyone there.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Including the children.

[B]

You're on your own every day.

[C]

I said, anytime Jaz is feeling like that, I said, jaz, maybe you're pregnant. This happens. Don't worry about it, you know?

[B]

And she goes, I'll take you to the store.

[C]

I'll take you to the store.

[A]

We'll be fungo.

[C]

Yeah, we'll get it. So about. That's about, like I said, 4:00am, about 11:30am let's call it high noon. High noon. She gets a call from our landlord, the old lady. She goes, hey, my mother died in the middle of the night last night. You know, obviously, she was like, you know, we have some things to talk about. I'm not ready yet. I'm on my way back. She was living down in Florida. On my way Back up to New York to take care of this. And then Jazz says. She was like, oh, my God. She's like, I'm so sorry. She goes, what time did it happen? She said, like 4:05am that the nursing home told us. Right? Whatever.

[A]

It was plenty of time for her to get from the nursing home to

[C]

the house 100% like that. Even with sitting in traffic on the Van Wyck and all that. She got there. So then Jazz says to me, she goes, we gotta go. We have to leave this home. Not only because they're selling it, you know, I wasn't gonna buy. To buy a house like that in Queens and then have to renovate it the way we want. I don't got that kind of cash.

[B]

What did she. I don't got the.

[C]

Are you garbage, patriot.

[A]

What did she say? What did she say?

[B]

The lady told her. You know what's very trashy? This whole story. That woman finds out her mother dies and is like, I'm on my way to New York to list this house to get this. Get this. Hey, let's call the tenant. Pack your bags. Yeah, cuz there's a for sale sign going up. You got to catch. Let's keep it moving.

[C]

This is what my mother would have wanted.

[B]

This is a triplex that's about to move.

[A]

So.

[C]

So. And they got. I saw the deal. They got a nice price on that. I wasn't willing to pay that. Whoever paid for that, I was not willing to put that number up.

[A]

Really? Gang, let's talk about aura frames.

[B]

Or you know them.

[A]

You love them. We talk about them all the time for years. Because we love them. If you want a smash, grand slam, home run, slam dunk, touchdown. Whatever they do in highlight or cricket, which I can't figure that out. Do yourself a favor. Mother's Day's coming up. Get them all. Or a frames. Your wife, if you got kids, your mom, your aunts, your grandmother, the neighbor, everybody do. When Father's Day comes around, hit him with the same thing. Just get a bunch of them and give them out. You'll be like Frank Lucas handing out turkeys. They're gonna love you.

[C]

It's the best.

[B]

It takes all the thinking out of it. It's. Dude, it's literally my. This is my wife's first Mother's Day. Guess what she's getting. Or a frame already preloaded with pictures. That's what I got with pictures of me and a baby. Oh, look at this. Look at this. Flashed a full frontal by me. Back to pictures. Sneak them in there. It's got free unlimited storage. You add photos and videos as you want. You can preload photos like I said before it ships. Personalize your gift. Add a message there before it arrives. The gift box is included. You share your photos and videos effortlessly. All you have to do is download the app. Anybody can do it. And boom. Send them straight to the frame. So if you get it for your mom, who might live two, three hours away, you can keep them in touch that way. Or not. You. You got. You got a bad set of in laws. Give it to them. Say you don't need to come see the baby. You're seeing a baby every day. Stay out of my head.

[A]

How about the Carver Mat? Or no, go for it. You talk about the Carver Mat?

[B]

Not there yet, buddy. You're jumping the gun.

[A]

Exclusive $25 off Carver mat.

[B]

Yes, I'll take over from here because you botched that. It's named number one by Wirecutter. You can save on the gifts mom loves by giving or frames.com for a limited time. Listeners get $25 off their best selling Carver Mat frame with the code [e-mail] aura frames.com, promo code GARBAGE. Support the channel by mentioning the boys at checkout. Terms and condition apply.

[A]

Do it Care. Let's talk about Ultra.

[B]

Ultra. Ultra. Ultra.

[A]

Let me ask you this out there. How many times have you woken up and immediately need a nicotine pouch or a cup of coffee just to feel like a human? How many pouches, how many cups of coffee and energy drinks did you need per day to stop yourself from crashing and redlining or even feel like you were nicotine withdrawal? Do these things cause anxiety or do they make you feel uneducated? Do you catch your heart racing out of nowhere? Do you sleep even worse? Are you worried about vastro constriction?

[B]

Of course you are.

[A]

Of course you are. Do yourself a favor. Get Ultra.

[B]

Yes. First off, the pouches are completely nicotine free and caffeine free. And you're probably thinking, if they don't have nicotine or caffeine in them, what the heck is exactly in them? Great question out there.

[C]

Ultra.

[B]

Partner with the leading neuroscientists designed these pouches. They're clinically proven nootropics and adaptogens to deliver immediate focus and smooth energy that lasts one to two hours. More specifically, use Affinity px, a cleaner, smoother energy boost than caffeine. L theanine, an amino acid promoting calm energy and attentiveness. Alpha gpc. My favorite Obviously a nootropic for enhanced mental processing. I got a mental processor here. I need to enhance it. Add the Alpha GPC. It's got vitamin B6, B12. It's truly clean power pouches that are designed to sharpen your mind and lift your energy all day without caffeine or to crash at theanine.

[A]

I heard it's good.

[B]

Yes, baby. One of my favorite flavors, the watermelon. I love a watermelon in anything, but these pouches got a nice little watermelon tang to them.

[A]

I'm a cool mint man myself.

[B]

They got wintergreen, Tropical. They got five different flavors. They're insanely good. You can choose from right now. Ultra is the ultimate guilt free pouch. It's delivering instant focus and mental clarity without nicotine or caffeine. And customers can use the code garbage to get 15% off at takeultra.com, that's takeultra.com for 15% off, off code garbage. After you purchase, we're gonna ask you how you heard about them. Tell them. Tell them.

[A]

What are you doing?

[B]

Love you.

[A]

Love you.

[C]

But, but. So. So we say we gotta move. So then we find. We're looking, we're looking, we're looking. And we find the home that we currently live in now. Find it about 45 minutes away. Went up north. We were gonna go to Long island, so we went up north to a little place called Westchester.

[A]

Hello?

[C]

Yep.

[B]

For a guy like you, not bad.

[A]

You know who runs that town up there?

[C]

Paul Verze.

[B]

And Yanni Papi.

[C]

And Yanni Papi. So I live. I live. I don't live, you know, close to them because Westchester is a big place, but I live in Westchester, baby. And so. And so I. I live. He's in Yonkers.

[B]

Yeah, he's in Riverdale.

[C]

I said Westchester. Yes, Yonkers counts. I live right by the Yonkers barge, so. But now what? I'm in. Now I'm finally in. You know, the home looks like a

[B]

nice piece of property. From the Instagram stories I've seen, we

[C]

got Josephine, our dog. Josephine, the Siberian husky who doesn't listen.

[B]

It sits all the way in the back.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

From what I've seen, it only sits in the. At the property line and stares at him.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It just does. Yeah. We tried to do the electric fence. The shock collar doesn't work. So just whatever. She just.

[A]

It's a wolf.

[C]

She is who she is. It's actually amazing sometimes in the mornings to look out in the yard because we'll let her out in the morning and just kind of. You don't see her. And then all of a sudden you just see something stalking through the bushes. And it's a wolf and it's our dog. If you ever. Because my dog is 75% Husky, 25% German Shepherd. So the vet told us what you got is actually perfect because you got a husky who. They're typically not known as guard dogs and really not family dogs. Like if it was purebred husky. I mean they're beautiful, but it's a lot. But we. Because we got this 25% German Shepherd. She does guard. And she is social with the family, but she guards. You walk on. You walk up my front steps. She doesn't even bark. She just stands on her hind legs and just looks at you. Just waits.

[B]

Smoking a cigarette.

[C]

Waits. Waits for you to do something stupid. If you just drop the packages off there and you back away. But if you take one step in unauthorized and we don't give you a hug or say hello, she's ready to go. So locked and loaded. But now we're in a position where I did this actually on purpose. I said, I can't do this to my family again. I can't do this to my kids again. So what is the only way? The only way? A little bit. I took a page from the Odyssey where, you know, where Homer with the sirens. You know the story of the sirens, of course. Strap yourself to the mask. Strap yourself to the mass. So I strapped myself to them. I strapped myself to the mortgage and the taxes.

[A]

95 year mortgage.

[C]

I strapped myself. I said, we're doing this one. The taxes are ungodly. The mortgage is too much for us to handle. But the only way we won't move is I'm gonna figure out a way to keep it going here. I'm gonna pull my stress up to a thousand and we're just gonna make this place work. And my family came to me. This was just. What's today? Wednesday? Thursday. This was Monday. Monday or Tuesday.

[A]

The residency at New York Comedy Club starting to make a lot of sense.

[B]

I saw it out.

[C]

That's what it is.

[B]

I'm doing a six, a four, a two.

[A]

Get warming up.

[C]

Get it popped, baby. So they came to me, my still

[A]

40 shows of bananas.

[C]

Yeah. My daughters came to me and my stepson and said, we love it here. And my daughter, my 10 year old said, dad, just promise me we're not going to move. I said, honey, we got minimum 10 years here. I said, because Even if I can't make the payments, I'm going to have the government. The government's going to have to come and physically remove us. I'm going to pull one of those jobs where the US Marshals will have to come and get me off that

[B]

line goes type thing.

[C]

I'm not. I'll go into bankruptcy. I'll go into foreclosure. I won't move. I will squat on myself before I sell that house. Okay, so that brings us to renovations.

[B]

That brings us to bank of America knocking on the door.

[C]

So I want to shout out, pella, great window company. They allow me to find it.

[B]

It's expensive.

[C]

They allow me to do 0% APR over four years. With that being said, I would. I love this show. I'd love for you to Support [e-mail], buy some tickets to my shows, because make absolutely no mistake, my monthly. My monthly debt, which was already too high, just went up about two grand more a month.

[B]

I mean, you're fucking.

[A]

Why'd you have to get new window. What was the house. New house?

[C]

The house is an 1899 Tudor. So the issue. The issue with the house is 1899. The house is built in 1899.

[A]

You got fucking your wife picking up ghosts from a house in Ridgewood.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Then you move into one. Jesus Christ.

[C]

Yeah. 1890.

[A]

Turn the dial down.

[C]

1899 Tudor. So 1899. The problem is that the window guy told me when he came, I went, I'm doing the smart thing now, getting three, four quotes right. I got guys DMing me saying, I got a window guy. I fucking hook you up. But we chose Pella. And even the Pella guy told me, he goes, you know, every owner of this previous owner of this house was kicking the window thing down the. Kicking the can.

[B]

What do you have in there now?

[C]

Now it hit you. I have the Original windows from 1899.

[B]

Old wooden windows.

[C]

Yes. With the. With the chain.

[B]

That's not a ghost. Are getting. That's what these pills are going to keep the spirits out.

[C]

Keep the spirits out. And then the insulation. The problem is I got almost no insulation. So when I tell you my oil bills, when I tell you my oil,

[B]

you got to have a truck come up and dump oil in.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

Holy shit.

[C]

This is what. This is how I'm living.

[A]

Bob Cratchit.

[B]

What, you moved to Colonial Williamsburg?

[C]

Dude, my oil bills are out of control because the.

[A]

The heat has the mutton up there.

[B]

Good.

[C]

The second. The second you turn off my heat,

[B]

the papas are coming. The papas are coming.

[C]

Yeah. So I got oil, I got. I got propane. I'm living off the fucking grid, boys.

[A]

Can I tell you this, though? Excuse me. It's a very cozy feeling in the winter when it's very cold, when the oil truck shows up and you smell that oil and he's loading it into the thing.

[C]

It's nice.

[B]

Yeah, if you work at a Sunoco. What are you talking about?

[C]

We got fireplaces, too. So we throw those bad boys on. I got the nice fireplace inserts, so that'll heat up a couple of rooms. But I. I'm in over my head.

[A]

What's the kitchen look like? You have to redo the whole.

[C]

We gotta redo the kitchen. So. So what happens is we. We already. We already stretched to the max. And then the wife's in there for about three months. She goes, you know, some things gotta go in this house.

[A]

List some dates or something.

[B]

Quick, let's go ahead, start plugging.

[C]

Christycomedy.com every Thursday. New York Comedy Club. Get your tickies. Shows are selling out. Then we got Stanford Comedy Club, anything. Emilio Saone owns Atlantic City Comedy Club. He gives me the best door deals. Then we got. Got more stuff coming. I'm texting my agent, Mike Berko. He hasn't texted me back. He's got one more day to respond or I'm firing him. Going to CIA. I need to make money. You talk to my family then and tell them you didn't. You tell them that. Why? We have to move again. I need the dates. Casinos, guaranteed money.

[B]

We'll be in Atlantic City, too.

[A]

That ain't the Hard Rock.

[B]

Hard Rock.

[C]

I love the Hard Rock.

[B]

Check that out. July, Chrissy. 9.

[C]

Nice guarantee up there.

[A]

What were the windows? Total? Can you say? Can you give us a number?

[B]

How many windows? You don't have to. How many windows?

[C]

$53 billion. I swear to God.

[B]

What the fuck? What is it, a cruise ship?

[C]

I got. I got 53. I got 53.

[A]

They built houses in 1899 with 53 windows.

[C]

I got 53 windows, scuzzy wuzzy. Zero percent APR for four years. We're going to lay it out nice and long now. Break it up into installments.

[B]

Do you have the intention? I financed. I've had to finance some stuff for the house, obviously. Do you have any intention of, like. Well, when I come across a lump sum, am I. Are you going to chip? Are you just always going to make the lump? Or do you plan on clearing that debt off the table? At any point.

[C]

The plan is right now. So again, I think everybody needs a Frisbee in your life. What we call Jewish person with the yami. Everybody needs a Frisbee in their life. Aren't my Frisbee is a great guy, my financial guy. And he told me, if you, you know, what, what, what wealth, they can't

[B]

be happy about this.

[A]

53 windows.

[C]

Well, I asked him, here's, here's my new system. How I made all these mistakes. You know, a few years ago, I was just letting stuff fly. I don't do anything. Now the Frisbees, they tell me yes or no. And I tell them if it's a no, it's a no. You got to tell me. They greenlit the windows because they said, 0% APR.

[B]

That's good. They like free money.

[C]

They said if you're getting free money

[B]

or anybody likes free money, not just the free Right.

[C]

But they said, do not. His advice to me is if you come into some lump sums of money, career kicks up, don't pay because it's free. Not it's free money. He said, we'll keep it in an account invested. We'll keep.

[B]

You're making your 5, 6%, right, we'll make it.

[C]

And he said, and then we'll just pay it off in installment. So he told me, we can do the kitchen, we can do the windows, we can do those things because we had a nice little chunk of change from Saudi Arabia last year.

[B]

So, man, you're getting it from every country in the fucking Middle East.

[A]

Fucking playing both ends against the Middle East.

[C]

That's what it is.

[B]

Were you selling rockets too?

[C]

Yeah, so we had. So, so we had Chrissy D. Drones. So we had to do that so that, you know, the ayatollah is paying for my windows and kitchen.

[B]

You're insane.

[C]

I'm insane. But you know what it is we gotta do? It's Chrissy Chaos, which I also brought back.

[B]

I saw that. I saw that. I said, I think something's up.

[C]

We got Chrissy Chaos back. We got, you know, of course, history hyenas coming at you every Thursday. Having fun with me and Yanni P. And yeah, check me out on the road. Who knows what I else might be doing. I might be getting back into physical therapy. Kids.

[B]

He's also available for birthday parties.

[C]

I'm available for birthday parties. I got an only fans.

[A]

So when does, when does the Pella Windows Tour kick off?

[C]

The Pella Windows Tour? Well, the first date we got coming at you is June 26th. 27th down in there in Stamford, Connecticut. But then we're gonna be adding some stuff.

[A]

Nice.

[C]

We had a sitcom in development with abc, but that, you know that, that got shot that, you know, done.

[A]

Got the pilot money though, right?

[C]

No, we got the pilot money. Not much. But another thing, you know, you gotta face the music here, kids. Life's.

[A]

I cannot love it.

[C]

It's about.

[B]

That's crazy after all that. You gotta face the music here, kids.

[C]

You gotta face the music here, kids. Life now is about the Internet. It's about doing shows with my brothers here. It's about what we can create. It's about, you know, there's nothing, nothing to get anymore. Nobody's gonna give you anything. Calvary's not coming, so you gotta create your own stuff. If I couldn't get a sit on the air at ABC with Jimmy Kimmel, it's like having a show with fucking Mickey Mouse. And they wouldn't put it on abc, Disney. So that the truth is, is the enter the TV and film side of business. For whatever reason, they've always said no. But the lovely YouTube podcast audience and stand up and the people have always said yes. So I thank you. I love you. So because of you, you know, I'm able to sustain myself here. But make absolutely no mistake, things were getting a little dark, you know, this winter and. But we're fixing things up. Pella's gonna bring some more light in now.

[B]

Okay. Are you going with the pella wood or is it like a composite?

[C]

We're going, we're going Pella.

[B]

That's high end.

[C]

In my house, I was told that it has to be traditional wood clad windows because if the mistake you can make is in an 1899 home, you put in the wrong windows, you actually devalue the home.

[B]

You're not wrong.

[C]

You got to put in the right window.

[B]

So it's a big, the big wooden windows.

[C]

And I was told by again, my Frisbee, he told me, look, this hurts right now and it's gonna hurt. And with, God willing, your career, you know, kicks up a notch, we'll see what, you know, get you on Kill Tony, something like that. But he said, you know, God willing, you get to the next phase here. He said, but, but, but you're choosing a little bit more of an expensive window, which I know is tough take. But he said, but for the resale value, we're thinking about, could we get out of this if we needed to? If you have better windows, you're gonna get a buyer much quicker. He Said so think of it as insurance and, and helping with your insulation. If you, if you pick the cheap windows, if you the crystal window factory off the side of the fucking lie in Queens, then you're gonna have a big problem.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Doing vinyl.

[A]

So the promise to your daughter may or may not be lasting.

[C]

No, no, no, no. I told her. I know it's really more for just insurance. Just to know in the back of my mind if shit ever really, really, really hit the fan. Well, we could just sell this puppy and move on. I, I, I, I also told my kids I'm so we're gonna stay in that house. But I also would never do this again. I would never move my kid, my to school again. If any parents out there listening and you're on the. Take it from me and you're thinking, should I move my kids school? If the kids tell you they like the school, don't move the school. I made a huge mistake by moving the school. I only have one regret in my life, and that is what I did to my kids, moving their schools. I regret it. I'm trying to make up for it. I'm in there. The little one, I think will be okay because she's gonna go to the same schools. My middle daughter's okay, but my stepson, he moves schools too much. So I'm really.

[A]

The little one's on a baby. She's in school.

[C]

She's four. The little one? Yeah, she's in pre K. Wow.

[A]

Pre K. She's not even gonna remember that.

[C]

She's not gonna remember. But the, but the middle one and my older one did a little bit of a number on them. We've learned now they're okay. They're adjusting nice. We work really hard with them. But, but yeah, don't move your kids schools.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Get Pella windows. They offer the. I think they're the best of the, you know. And renewal by Anderson Pella's.

[B]

Pellas. Pellas. I was in a window biz for a while.

[C]

We got, we got quotes from Pella. Renewal by Anderson Marvin Mar.

[B]

All very nice. Pella came when you go. I believe when you go. I mean.

[C]

Yeah, what's the problem? Because Marvin was telling me. Marvin was trying to tell.

[B]

Fucking Marvin was probably trying to sell you the composite.

[C]

Dude. Marvin's trying to sell me the composite. They're coming out composites.

[B]

Good stains, just like wood.

[C]

But they were telling me, they were telling me that, that, that. Oh, the wood that Pella makes. It's bullshit from Canada. You know, you're Worried about wood. The wood that I have from my house in 1899 was real American wood.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Do you know probably from up you the windows, a guy like me who's going, what they go probably on Zeppelin, right?

[C]

Seriously, the kid looks good. He's. He's actually a fan. He's a fan of all the pods. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Like how you looped. He pulled this?

[C]

No, no, I'm just saying he can't.

[B]

He loves all the pots too.

[C]

I'm sure. No, no, no, no. He came into my house and told me. He was like, oh, are you Chrissy D? He goes. I was like, yeah, he was like. He was like, I love podcasts. He was like. And he mentioned all the pods that were all of us.

[A]

He probably did that as research to sell you.

[C]

Yeah, but do you think the wood clad window. I don't need.

[B]

No, it's good. No, I think it's a good choice. It is a good choice.

[C]

Black on the inside, black on the outside.

[B]

I mean, I have to see the house and that's a personal choice. But the window itself is your. You got a very high end window.

[A]

Don't ask him. He's in a lemon.

[B]

I got mold.

[C]

But you can't look. According to my, according to my Frisbee, you can't. If you go with a high end window, you're not, you're not gonna lose on that.

[B]

Especially at zero percent interest.

[C]

And people will like, yeah, you know, people.

[B]

So if someone's in the market for that house, they're going to go, they did this the right way. Unless you get a guy like you doesn't know what the fuck he's looking at.

[C]

Right?

[A]

Right.

[B]

But a guy who's going in is like, I wanted a fucking 1888 fixer up or whatever, right. They already got the. He did that. Windows the right way.

[C]

Especially could go in high end.

[B]

Quality stays on that oil too. I'm sure you got double, triple pain, maybe.

[C]

No, I'm really. I want, I want to shout out. I want to shout out the new oil company I got coming out next week because I was with Robinson. But now I want to shout out Plutnik oil. They're going to come in next week. You know what this guy tells me? He goes, I got two oil tankers down in the basement. He said, let me take a look. He's coming Wednesday at high noon. He says, what's up with this guy in high noon? I like high noon.

[B]

The 12, 11. You know what, let's make it high noon.

[C]

He told me, you know what, some of these machines down there. He goes, I've done. Done a couple of jobs. Not the cheapest. He goes, but we might be able to convert that from oil to propane. Heat the house on propane. This way, the oil prices right now are sky high because of the war in Iran. Sure.

[B]

He said propane, which somehow you're profiting from.

[C]

No, I'm losing out because the oil's. I'm losing. I'm actually on Iran's side just to get the US out of here so my prices go down and they'll go back on the U.S. one of those

[A]

oil tankers is Chrissy's. Yeah, it's his uncle trying to get it through.

[B]

So move your boat.

[C]

Move your boat. So they're gonna switch it up to propane. So we'll see. Because the oil bills right now are astronomical. The end. The. The. The.

[A]

Well, let me ask you this. What do you. How much oil do you need right now?

[B]

Getting in the summer, you probably don't need that much as all this conflict's gonna blow. This conflict don't blow. By September, we all got bigger problems.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Bigger oil money.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[C]

So. Yeah. But the winter, this man is gonna call 20 bucks, coldest winter, you know, in the last 30 years. So I got drilled with that oil, but I got drilled. But we got. Then we got to re. Insulate the house. We got to do. We gotta, you know, after the windows, then we have no insulation in the walls because, you know, this. Buying this house, you know, that's all answer for him.

[B]

He did not.

[C]

The answer is no.

[A]

How many bedrooms is

[B]

53?

[C]

5. 5.

[A]

It's probably beautiful.

[C]

It's a beautiful house.

[A]

1899.

[C]

1899 tudes. That's crazy.

[B]

That's. I'm very happy for you.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That's 120 some years.

[C]

Yeah. Big time.

[A]

Holy shit.

[C]

Yep. Yep. So that's what we do.

[B]

How are the neighbors? Have you interacted any faux pas yet?

[A]

Probably all dead neighbor.

[C]

Neighbors are. Neighbors are great people. Interesting guy, my neighbor, very diesel jacked guy in his 50s, one of these, like, really muscular guys walks and takes the garbage down to the front of his house with no shoes or socks on 12 months a year.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Freezing ice.

[A]

I respect that.

[C]

I like that. Respect. He's got his feet and I. Almost to the point where I said, this guy's a real man. But then his wife told me, my wife, that he has diabetes, so he has no feeling.

[A]

Jazz picking up any vibes in the house Now.

[C]

Jazz told me. I asked her that we moved in August 1st. I said, if you feel anything by August 15th, I would have made her do that.

[A]

At the.

[C]

When you walk through it, she told me, it's clear. She told me, it's clear.

[B]

Did you sage it or anything burning that Beachwood or.

[C]

She probably did that. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't do it. But knowing her, she probably did it. But she told me it's clear. And she did tell me when we first moved into that, to the old lady's house in Queens, that she felt a presence there, but I overrode it. We're staying. But she told me, there's nothing in this house.

[B]

I told my. The house my sister lives in now had a guy. The guy who. The guy died there. The previous owner died there. And he was in the house. In the house, and he was yelling at the kids. Apparently, there's a thing. Only. I've talked about this. Only the kids can. Kids are more sensitive to it or something. Okay, so she had a party, and the kids were upstairs playing. And then the one kid came downstairs, and they're like, why don't you go up, upstairs and play with the other kids or whatever.

[A]

And he goes, I can't have it.

[B]

He goes, that old man yelled at me and told me not to be in his room.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

And then she was like, what the. And then it happened with another, maybe my niece or nephew or something.

[A]

So they.

[B]

They, like, they had A, you know, Ms. Cleo come in and cleanse it or whatever.

[C]

God, I would have Ms. Pat come in. There's a. I saw you guys with Ms. Pat. I saw you guys with Ms. Pat. She's the best. She's one of the funniest people ever. I love her.

[B]

Crazy.

[C]

It's insane how funny she is, but she's. She came on my podcast. This is, like, two years ago, and I was. I was messing. Jasmine's father's dead, and his. The urn was right behind me. So I was like, oh, you want to meet Jasmine's dad? And then I brought out the urn. And then. Yeah, but, you know, she's like, you know. And she was like. And she said, there's a clip of it. She was like. She was like, jasmine, come get your man. He down here playing with your daddy. And my little daughter, she says that every single day at breakfast. She's like, he down here playing with your daddy. To the point where the teachers were like, you know what? What is with the black scent from your child. I said it's Puerto Rican. It's mispass.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I mean, we got a pool out there.

[C]

A pool? Oh, yeah, we got a pool. Yeah.

[B]

In ground.

[C]

In ground. We need a diving board. No diving board, but we'd like to put in a slide.

[B]

Like to put in a slide?

[A]

20 grand.

[C]

We got a big boy. You ready for this?

[B]

I seen the yard.

[C]

No, no, no, no. I'm saying the pool just again, they made. I think there's pools from like the seventies. You know what? You know what the deep end is? 15ft.

[B]

This is pre. This is pre permissive. Yes. This is re regulation.

[C]

16ft, and then we go to three.

[B]

It's gonna be a lot of oil to heat that day.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Oh, and I'm heating that puppy on propane so that if I want to heat the pool when I got Jasmine's family coming over, I wanna heat that puppy. 48 hours to heat it. 15ft, folks.

[A]

KB, let's talk about 1-800flowers.

[B]

1-800-flowers.

[A]

Did you know the flowers are the number one gift to give for Mother's Day? But it can be hard to know which ones will show mom how much you really mean to you. For over 50 years, 1, 800 Flowers has been helping people send beautiful bouquets to mom that she's gonna love. That's gonna express your gratitude to her for everything that she does.

[B]

And your mother deserves that, Henry, for putting up with your stupid ass for so long.

[A]

Yes, she does, the dumb broad.

[B]

And right now, when you order one dozen roses from 1-800-flowers, they'll double your bouquet for two dozen for free. That's twice the flowers for mom who gave you everything. For more than 50 years, 100 Flowers has perfected the details that matter the most. Every bouquet is picked at peak freshness, packaged carefully and backed by the freshness guarantee. 1,800Flowers knows that many of us procrastinate. And they'll even be saving up their customers with same day delivery service for years. Even if May 9th snuck up on you, they can still make May 10th count.

[A]

Baby, there you go.

[B]

I've used 1, 800 flowers for a couple of times in the past year.

[A]

They're the best.

[B]

It's like a set it and forget it. You call them up, they do it at it. Then your mom calls you. Oh, my God. You're the best son in the world. I'm leaving you everything. How you done? Mother's day is Sunday, May 10, and bouquets are selling out fast. Trust me. Don't wait to claim your double roses offer before they're gone. Visit 1-800-FLowers-comm/garbage. That's 1-800-FLowers- comm/garbage. 1-800-FLowers.com garbage do it now. Do the Puerto Rican. Do they like a hot pool or do they like a cold pool?

[C]

Hot. My mother in law will not get. She will not get in. She will not get in unless it's heated to, you know. But the problem is, as a matter of fact, this is one. You know what my neighbor told me? He was like, you know what would help, honestly, is if you just filled in that 15 foot side, you would be able to heat this thing a lot.

[B]

20 minutes.

[A]

I know 15. That's a rare.

[C]

That's awesome.

[B]

That's also. You get down there, it's colder down there.

[C]

See, because I was looking around a lot after we moved in, I had that buyer's remorse, that regret, you know, that's why I always sell. But. And I was looking around, you know, it got to the point where I'm watching commercials. I'm like, look at how nice that person's house is. It's brand new. They got everything. Their house. I probably paid more for my house than they did for theirs because. But now that I've been in it for a little while, you make these. If you're really gonna stay for the, you know, 10, 15 years, you make the little improvements what you can. I'm like, everybody who comes in my house is like, they don't make wood like that anymore. My door, my dude, my door. My door is fucking 15ft in the air. My door, it's the biggest door you've ever seen in your life. Because that's. Because they, they didn't make it. They didn't have two by four. They didn't have, you know, a two by four back then. Wasn't two by four. It was. They would eyeball it. So he said, all the wood that you're getting, it's not like a machine cut wood. It's none of that hand lathed, hand laid. So, so, so now I'm starting to appreciate it. I'm starting to appreciate it. Like we bought this house thinking, oh, it's 1899. You know, it has these columns right when you walk in.

[A]

So you could strip all that if you got to sell it.

[C]

What? The columns are beautiful. And you're like, oh my God, it's colonial, regal vibe, 1899. We're sitting down, drinking wine, having, you know, look at the columns. Then we take our Daughter to the preschool. She was like. She was like, oh, yeah, you guys live. I know the house you guys live in. I said, yeah. She goes, I went to a party there once. I said, yeah. She was like, oh, those beautiful columns. I was like, yeah, you know, they're original to the house. Blah, blah, blah. She goes, no, they're not. I said, what? She goes, an Indian family in 1978. Put those in. She goes, those are Indian columns. That's an Indian column. And then you look at them now, and I'm like, oh, yeah, this is an Indian person owned this house for 15 years. And their little kid went to the nursery school. She was like, yeah, it's the Raj family. Put those in.

[B]

The Patel.

[C]

The Patels. I was like, oh, well, I thought they were original from 1809. She was like, you're not. I was like, rip them out.

[B]

Get these Indian poles out of my house. Goddamn patriot.

[C]

Yeah, man.

[A]

Chrissy's on his heels. I love him.

[C]

Always on the heels.

[B]

You need. You're not a comfort kind of guy. You try to be. Your whole struggle is, I want to be comfortable. But you need the plate spinning. You need the back pedal. You need your peptides. Jesus saved.

[C]

You need a gun. But you saw the pic of me before and after. I'm starting. I'm on the right track.

[A]

You look fantastic.

[C]

Right? I'm on the right track.

[A]

You never not look fantastic.

[C]

So at least we now. But there's time. But you. But when I showed you the before to us.

[A]

Good looking kid.

[C]

I'm trying to get the health back. We're trying to get the numbers down. The old cholesterol eight weeks ago was 303 total C. So we got to get that number down. But we've leaned into retatrutide. We've leaned in to peptides and Jesus try to help get those numbers down and lower the saturated fat as best we can.

[B]

Very good.

[A]

Would you be a guy at MASH that collects? Would you be one of those guys? Would you get involved like that?

[C]

An usher?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

100%. 100%. I haven't volunteered my time yet at the church, but I have been volunteering New York shows. You got to do those New York shows every Thursday. Every Thursday through May, starting April 30th.

[A]

You're up there doing material?

[C]

Yep. And so. And so then I got. But. But I have been volunteering my time at soup kitchen in my life. Very nice. Dude. I never did this. I never. I never. You know, when I was little, my mom would take me to do that stuff.

[B]

She's very religious.

[C]

Very religious. She would, you know, take me to do all that stuff in the church and all that. But then I just, you know, sometimes you got. It's just gotta, you know, you got internally. Everything, everybody, every life choice you make, every decision you make, every change you make, it's gotta be internal. You could see it on Instagram. Somebody could tell you it's gotta come from within. So from within, I said, you know what, you know what, you know what? And every choice, I think, starts a little selfishly. And then you realize that, you know, you're outgoing. I said, I gotta feel better. What would make me honestly feel better? Forget about helping me. I gotta help other people. How do I help other people? He'd say, oh, you do that with your comedy. Yeah, but what. How do I really help other people? Real.

[B]

You're a real hero.

[C]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

You do that with your comedy.

[C]

Yeah, I know.

[B]

I'm out here saving lives. Laughter is the best medicine.

[C]

But people say no. Somebody said that to me. I'm like, it's. But whatever. But still, you know, if you want to be healed. Every Thursday, New York Comedy Club, new material. New material. And so. And so you're doing on them shows. I said, I'm gonna do about. It depends.

[B]

30? You do 30?

[C]

No, I'll do. I'll do 45. It depends.

[A]

45.

[C]

It depends how I feel. I'm doing 6 and 8. 30s. I'm doing 6 and 8. Well, let's. It's new material. Let's. You know what I mean?

[A]

I mean, I got 15 in it. Thanks.

[C]

My belief. My belief is. My belief is, you know, crowd work counts as new material. Material that you did.

[B]

Bitch, you haven't heard.

[C]

Yeah, material that you did from your 2018 special counts as new material. You can, you know, you got an eight year window, but I went down to the soup kitchen and that really helped. Helping other people, you know, feeding them, doing that helps me feel better about me. And then you start to realize we all kind of got the same shit going on. You know, we all. Nobody's really that different.

[A]

Is it a soup kitchen up there? Down here?

[C]

Up there.

[A]

Who's up there?

[C]

What do you mean?

[A]

Who's the poor people up there? Where's the homeless up there?

[C]

They come up from the Bronx? Yeah, they come from the Bronx. Or Yonkers, the other part of Yonkers, not the part that I live in.

[A]

You do live in Yonkers.

[C]

No, the soup. The soup is. The soup is good. The soup is Good. The food, but it's more than soup. They call it soup kitchen, but they give them all types of shit hoagies, you know, I call them sandwiches.

[A]

But do they make anything there?

[C]

Yeah, yeah, they make. They make. You. They make.

[B]

What aren't you getting about this shelter?

[A]

I don't want to know.

[B]

You go get a bowl of soup. I want to know if it's worth the trip.

[C]

It's good. You get the. Everybody gets their electrolytes in. I told these guys, if they want.

[B]

He's over there pushing Peptides. Hey, Cracker Jack, you know what you need?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I told some of these guys, I said, listen, if you guys didn't already have a problem with needles, I would start injecting you guys with some pepes.

[B]

He's like, they're all strung out. How do you get that V? Is that natural or is that peptide?

[A]

Step over to the Winstrel stuff.

[C]

Yeah, you can get Winstrell at that. At that doctor's office I was telling you about. You.

[B]

Really? That's what I need.

[A]

Yeah. Let me all route it out.

[C]

That'd be great. You'd be a great strongman lifter. You could probably put up some serious weight, right?

[A]

No, you never could. No, not really.

[C]

Interesting. I thought you could put a. Put up a nice deadlift, you know,

[A]

do a good bench press.

[C]

Yeah. What'd you get? What'd you throw around? Do you remember?

[A]

I want to say, 225. Does that make sense?

[C]

Yeah, it's two plates on each side. That's real deal shit.

[A]

Yeah, in college, maybe like a couple of times.

[C]

Right.

[A]

I'm just basing that on when they would test you every year.

[C]

So you don't throw weights around at all? No. Resistance training? What? No. You got to throw it around a little bit. You throw it around a little bit. Yeah, I heard. That's really good. Yeah, one of my neighbors left the

[B]

mcarts on my soup kitchen.

[C]

No, dude, my neighbor left the MC Arch on my front door, and he left it late. Like 10:30pm but I was already passed out and I didn't know about. He just, you know, he thought it was good. He was like, oh, like, not a goof. But he went there and he was like, I'll drop. I'll drop one off for you. And he texted me, guy up here, one of. And then he texted me, the guy

[A]

with the no shoes.

[C]

No, not that guy.

[A]

I wonder. He's got diabetes.

[C]

Yeah, no, my other neighbor, he texted me and he says it's outside in your front it's outside. This is 10:30pm I wake up to that at 6:00 o' clock in the morning. I go out there. Deer had eaten through that McArch. And then there was diarrhea all over my front lawn.

[B]

I fully apologize.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. We saw him on a ring game.

[A]

House is beautiful, by the way.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You gave the deer diarrhea.

[C]

Well, we don't. Well, I saw it on the ring cam, the diarrhea. The deer had come and eaten it and, you know, eaten it all up at like 2 o' clock in the morning. And then 6 o' clock in the morning was one of those like. Like, kind of cold mornings. There was frozen diarrhea all over the lawn. I know it wasn't me this time.

[B]

What? Okay. What? Who's doing the trash cans? You doing the trash cans?

[C]

I'm doing the trash cans. We got Mondays, we got regular garbage. We got Wednesdays, it's cardboard. Fridays, it's recycling and garbage. We call that mix.

[A]

We have the big ones. We have the big ones with the

[C]

wheels and got the big one with the wheels. I got those down at Home Depot. And now what we're gonna do, they

[A]

don't give me it.

[B]

They gave you the recyclable, probably.

[C]

We gave me the recyclable, but we had to go get our own new trash cans because the previous owner had ones with no lid. We got ones with the lid with the strap because we got raccoons up there.

[B]

Whoa.

[C]

And now what we do is actually jazz. Just this morning, she was like, oh, we need to get some kind of, like, receptacle, you know, container. Cause the garbage cans are just out on the side of the house with the.

[A]

I gotcha.

[C]

So I said, why don't we try to build one together? Why don't we just chat GPT it? And she goes, you want to chat GPT making a box out of wood? I said, we could chat GPT it. She goes, why don't we just pay someone to do it?

[B]

Yeah, you can buy. I think you can buy them.

[C]

I said, yeah, yeah, they're nice. But I have. I'll tell you what. I have been. I have been doing some more handy things around the house. Hung up a picture the other day.

[B]

That's pretty good. Did you just put any anchors or did you just put a screw in?

[C]

Put in an anchor.

[A]

Put in an anchor.

[C]

What do you mean?

[A]

What are your walls?

[B]

Are they plaster?

[C]

Plaster, drywall. How would I know?

[A]

Are they.

[B]

You're the handyman. What?

[C]

I think they're playing I Think.

[A]

I mean, put an anchor in.

[C]

I had to put an anchor in.

[A]

When. When you tap the nail in. Is it all.

[B]

Is it hard?

[C]

I drilled one.

[B]

Could you punch through the wall, you think?

[C]

No, I don't think.

[B]

I probably plaster walls.

[C]

I've been told. Because we wanted to do. We wanted to do 1880.

[B]

They had to. Tyvex wasn't around then.

[C]

Two contractors. Two contractors. We had enough idea for. I'm all about quotes. I'm Chrissy quotes. Lately. I'm all about coming in, getting these guys, getting quotes. I'm Quotes, quotes, quotes.

[A]

Quotes are free, right?

[C]

Quotes are free. I love quotes.

[A]

Are you there?

[C]

Quotes? I'm there with the quotes.

[B]

Does she make do them? A lot of times they make jazz. Are both decision makers going? They don't, like, come and wait. You're wasting your time. They don't like giving out free information.

[A]

You hit with a coffee.

[C]

I hit them with a coffee, with a water, whatever they want. I'll even give some guys some peptides. It's up to them.

[A]

Is. Is it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Is there any, like, you know, a little coffee cake or something like that? You offer anything like that?

[C]

Jazz is big on bundt cakes. There's a place up there by us. Is it called Everything Bunts? It's a big bundt cake place. I think they did big numbers on Shark Tank, but we go, we're big on bunts.

[A]

Love jazz.

[C]

Love. Big on. Yeah, Big on bunts. She so. So we'll go. We get quotes. We wanted to. There was one idea we had where we said, maybe we can open up a wall here, make the kitchen more. Because kitchen's a little closed off. And the both contractors said, obviously, we can do whatever we want. But he was like, I would just suggest. You're never gonna get a wall like this again. Do not touch these walls. He was like, these walls. He said, first of all, it's a big job to get through a wall like this. So it must be plaster. Must be real deal shit. And I got nice fucking crown moldings up there. I got crown molded. The house was built in 1899. How many times I gotta sing it?

[B]

My bad, bud.

[A]

You have the. Jeff, Lincoln was barely calling.

[C]

Come on.

[B]

Do you have the chair? I think that's called the chair. Do you have, like a piece of wood around the middle?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

So that's old school.

[C]

Yeah. I got framing, I got wainscoting.

[B]

Yeah, like that.

[C]

Wainscoting? Yeah.

[A]

What are the floors?

[C]

The floors we got, they kind of look like this, but they're original to the house. Got some nails popping up here and there.

[B]

The real small planks. I got them too.

[A]

Is it the square nails? The ones with the square heads? Those are scary.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

But they got Jesus with them.

[C]

Yep, they got them. They're not going to get me, though. I'll show you off air. I'll show you some videos, I'll show you some pics. You guys will come up, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

We got the pool. We got the pool. We got everything.

[B]

Bring the baby.

[C]

Bring the baby.

[B]

Learn how to swim in there.

[A]

You could put a diet. A serious diving board.

[B]

Yeah, you can probably get. You probably get a high dive.

[C]

100%. Yeah, I'm thinking. I'm thinking about it.

[B]

I already got one. We have got quotes coming.

[C]

We have a little platform right now. It's like a little elevated because there's a little, like a. Like a little kind of Jacuzzi. It doesn't work, but there's a Jacuzzi there. But the platform is elevated. About six feet off. So the last summer the kids were running and doing backflips off that. Yeah. That's awesome.

[A]

Six feet.

[C]

Six feet.

[A]

That's serious.

[C]

Day one. One of Jasmine's uncles, the great T.T. jerry, got a Newport cigarette clogged in the water filter. Respect.

[A]

Smoking in the pool.

[C]

Mm. With jean shorts on.

[A]

Why doesn't the hot tub work?

[C]

I don't know. We got something that. Something on the list to fix. I think. I think he actually told me the propane. There's. There's two lines going, the propane will heat the pool, but then there's also propane for the. For the hot tub. And that propane line is jacked up.

[B]

There's. There's something about. I've never. I don't know if it's just the circles I run in aren't classy and they're not a lot of cash. But every time I'm in a hot tub or they never work and the water always gets sucked. Like, it's never like, hot tub. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

The one we had in LA was fantastic.

[B]

Yeah. I'm saying that. I'm saying that's a rental. I'm saying the ones that, like, if I go to my. Any one I've ever had growing up, not that I've had them, but have been in growing up or family members or anything, it's always been like, nah, it don't work, or there's always something shoddy about it.

[C]

A home hot tub. Yeah. Yeah. It's a little messed up, but you know, my neighbor told me, ready for this? The previous guy lived there for 20 years. I'm talking about my house is here. Neighbor's house is right there. And there's only two houses in this little piece of property. And then there's a golf course, so there's no houses around. So you're really close to your neighbor. Right?

[A]

It's the guy with the.

[C]

With the. No beer, barefoot.

[A]

Not the guy with the McRib.

[C]

No, McRib. Lives on the other side. 22 years. Ish. Never got invited to the pool once. I said, opening day of my pool, May 19th, my daughter's birthday. Your first invite opening day. I'm inviting the guy.

[A]

That's crazy not to do, right?

[C]

How. What a scumbag thing to do. You're not gonna invite your neighbor to your pool. You gotta have the neighbors.

[A]

Did the guy have kids? Yeah, just the Indian guy to put the.

[C]

No, it's another guy. Frisbee. Owned it before me. Yeah, kids, everything. Some guy came up to me at one of the fairs that we had in my town. He goes, hey, you know, I know the house you live in. It's a little weird.

[B]

Small town, they know town.

[C]

They know the comedian lives in that comedian?

[A]

Yep.

[C]

He goes. He goes. He goes. That sunroom he got. I said, yeah. He goes, I banged. I banged a girl on that couch. The girl. He goes, there's a Chinese girl that used to live there. I said, now, what is this, the

[B]

un of the How?

[C]

I said, it's a Jewish guy. He goes, no, ask she. There was they. He had Chinese girls. They adopted. I banged one in the sunroom. I said, okay. So I asked my neighbor, he's over there, you know, no shoes or socks on, lighting fires, putting the garbage out mid Feb. Mid Feb. I said, can I ask you a question? I said, the guy, is this Chinese? I said, were there Asian people that lived here? He goes, yeah, The. The owner, he adopted couple of Asian girls. And then as he's walking, he goes, one of them was pretty cute. I said, yeah, I think she got banged in the sun room. He goes, that tracks. And then shut his garage door. So it's a small town.

[B]

Any beefs in the small? Not beefs, but any. Any. Any ruffle. And there is. Because you're. You're a. You're a big personality. You. You move in your own.

[C]

You're ready for this. I mind my own business. Pierce too.

[B]

Until he don't.

[C]

Until. So first of all, first week, cops come up, local village police come up. Come to my house. Well, they knock on the door, welcome. Well, first of all, first thing I did, I moved in there August 1st, August 3rd, okay? I went down to the farmer's market. That's in my town. Got a beautiful peach pie. Dropped it off at the precinct. I wanted to let them know, here's my name, here's where I live. I'm a big supporter of the police. Peach pie on me.

[B]

Big.

[C]

So they come.

[B]

Peach.

[C]

Peach pie. Yeah, I know Jazz. Jazz said it was summer peach. Jazz said that was the one freshly made.

[B]

That's the one. So.

[C]

So they come to me, they say, thank you so much for the. For the pie. Nice gesture, whatever. And they said, we just want to let you know, some people already in this town know that you live here. The real estate agent squealed and told,

[B]

hey, that's a fucking confidentiality.

[C]

That's what I said. But what if this guy fucking lives in Mexico now? So what am I gonna do? So.

[A]

So the guy that sold you your house moved to Mexico.

[C]

Moved to Mexico. What are you gonna do? People change, man.

[B]

You run in a weird, weird, weird circle. It's crazy.

[C]

But he told me, the police officer, the captain, and then junior guy said, look, we. You know, know some people know you live here. Just want to let you know, you ever see some patrol cars around here? We're. We gotcha. It's. It's for us. We're gonna put a little bit extra. Not that you need it. In a town like this, nobody really.

[B]

A couple flybys.

[C]

Nobody really cares, but just know. No shit, it's not. There's nothing going on. We just want to make sure you feel comfortable. Great.

[B]

Love that.

[C]

So then you could rock with the Apaches coming. Yeah, love it. So then you would love that. So then. Because. And not that I need it. Not that we need. Not that this is a big thing, but I had an altercation. You know me. I'm not. I'm not. I'm Chrissy the pacifist. I don't want problems. I want everyone to be happy. You know? I don't. I'm like, dude, live your life. Have fun. One of these big snow days. Big snow day. I got a pretty relatively large piece of property. Can't get out. So here's the thing. You can't get out there with a shovel and a bag of ice. You got salt. Salt, right, sorry. Shovel in a bag of salt. So you can't shovel in a bag of salt. So I tried to shovel it myself, and even Jazz was like, I appreciate you Doing what you can, honey. Being a man. But this will take you six hours, okay? You can't. We're gonna have to call in. We have to call in the troops.

[B]

I also love how like a guy can't work for six hours. Yeah, babe, this will take you almost a full day's work.

[C]

So.

[A]

You know what? You're right.

[C]

You're right. Can't do it.

[B]

We're moving.

[C]

Done.

[A]

Get the windows, pack them up.

[C]

So I call the, my. The landscaper, great guy, that's usually who handles it right. And he said, yeah, I can come by no problem. Didn't even hit me that hard. 200 cash. That's not. I don't. Because he's coming in with that ain't snowmobile.

[B]

That ain't the snowmobile. You know, man, you are a city.

[C]

He's coming in with the plow. With the plow. You're right.

[B]

You have.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So he's coming in. Yeah, so he's coming in. And so I said, great, you're booked then. My daughter had made friends with a kid in the class, right? Another girl, right. You know, we're new to an area, of course, only a couple months into school. That girl's father who had come to we had thrown a party at the house a month before. First of all, he came to my house in flip flops to a Halloween party. Okay, fine. Drank all the beer. What are you going to do?

[B]

My kind of guy, I gotta be honest with you.

[C]

Yeah, so, you know, talking a little bit here and there, nothing crazy, you know, nice enough guy, really. But then his, this guy calls me, he goes, listen, you know, do you need your driveway shoveled? I just got laid off. I could really use the work. I said, done. You know, friendly neighbor. Tell my landscaper he's cool with it. My landscaper had seven other jobs. He's like, all good, no problem. Call this guy. This is 8:30 in the morning. Landscaper was going to come at 1:00pm you know, we need to bang this out. 8:30 in the morning, okay, Hire the other guy. Boom, boom, boom. It's got all taken care of. I'll, you know, be right there. 1:30 comes around 2 o', clock, guy still doesn't show. I text him, hey man, what's going on? He goes, oh, I'm a couple of towns away. I had a couple of houses before you. I'll be there in an hour. Okay, this guy called you, right? Two o', clock, three o'. Clock, now it's four o'. Clock. Sun's Going down. I said, hey, buddy, we're gonna get some ice. Even I know that this thing's gonna freeze, okay? Like we.

[B]

We're gonna be bad shape.

[C]

We're gonna be bad shape.

[B]

You'll have to buzz out the Zambon.

[C]

I mean, dude, even my neighbor put his shoes on. That's how bad it is.

[B]

We're jammed up.

[C]

So. So I said, I said, what's going on? He goes, oh. He goes, sorry, I got one more than I'm on to you. I said, wow. So now my blood's boy, now my blood's boiling, right?

[A]

What's he charging?

[C]

I. Because I told the other guy, do it 200. He goes, I'll do it 150. So I said, all right. I was going to give him 200 anyway. You know, just obviously you do the right thing and so stand up guy give you that. Do the right thing. And then. So now it's 5:30, 6 o'.

[B]

Clock.

[C]

I text him, no response. 9 o' clock at night. He goes, yeah, sorry, didn't get to you? Well, I'll try you tomorrow. So now I'm furious, right? So now I do go out now. My McArch neighbor, I texted him about it going nuts. He goes, that guy's a fucking asshole.

[A]

How does he know him?

[C]

Because it's a small town, they all know each other. So he goes, I'll come over. He comes over with his stepson who's from Ukraine, right? He's got a stepson from Ukraine, this guy. It's about three degrees below zero. This guy's out there in a sweatshirt, no gloves, just fucking shoveling, moving ice with his hands. Doesn't feel anything, just does it. Like a psychopath. It was a summer day for him in Ukraine. We shoveled his whole driveway till about 1:30 in the morning on a school night. I got to get up and take the kids to school because Jaz is not going to drive in the snow. I don't have the snow tires players.

[B]

So that's another. That's another eight large.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So. So then the next day, so you're abc.

[B]

You passed on.

[A]

Swear to God, the whole time I'm thinking, is that of your mind?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Kimmel, come on.

[C]

Come on. So the next day. So the next day I text this guy and I let him have it. I'm like, you know, dude, like, I hired you, I can't. You like, I do this myself. Like, what's that?

[A]

Is this a text?

[C]

This is a text.

[A]

Long text.

[C]

And he goes, and he goes, yeah, Sorry. He goes, oh, it goes, yeah, I guess, I guess you can't shovel your own driveway, Mr. Hotshot.

[B]

Don't like that, don't love that, don't love that, don't.

[A]

Is this guy looking for a problem?

[C]

So then I call him, Then I

[B]

call him, Flip flops, zip it, zip it.

[C]

So then I call him. I go right away on the phone, you know, you gotta hear. Cause then it's out of text. He picks up on the first ring. I'll give him that. He wasn't a puts, picks up, meet

[B]

you on front street.

[C]

I said, dude, I don't know where that came from. I said, any problem? I said, I've been nothing but nice. You invited you into my home, you drank all my beer and Flip flops. I said, I've been nothing but nice to you. I said, this hotshot comment is a preconceived notion on what you think of my career might be. I said, I've never given you any indication or treated you with anything other than respect. And I've never put myself in a position where I think I'm better than you because of the type of career I have. I said, all that stuff is in with you and it's really not my problem, it's yours. I said, and I think if we're gonna be neighbors and our kids are gonna be friends, you need to do some, some looking within because you got insecurity. That ain't about me, buddy, it's about you. And then he was like, he just like waited a moment. He was like, it just, it just pisses me off that you have a nice house. It just pissed me off that you got the nice house. And I'm sitting over here in an apartment with three kids in a two bedroom. And I said, buddy, I swear to God. I said, for him though, dude, I swear to Christ this. I'm not even, I'm not even, I'm not even making up the words. I said, because, you know, because in that moment you want to be compassionate, but you also want to be crystal clear about boundaries.

[A]

That was very good.

[C]

I said, I respect you for saying that. Noticing that. I said, I think you're doing. I said, I think your wife and kids really look up to you and probably love you and they don't think about these things the way you think about these things. I said, but again, as a man, that ain't my problem. That's your problem. I said, we all got to pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps.

[B]

I'll be at Your comedy club at Stanford. July 23rd and 24th.

[C]

That was a pelo window. Want to buy a pella window? And.

[A]

And what'd he say?

[C]

And now he said. He just said. I forgot what he said, but we are, you know, not best smoothed over. Smoothed over. I think. I think sometimes tough love, respect, yeah, that's your. And then and better friends. But. But I told him. I told him, listen, I'm gonna be honest with you, though. The way that I work, though the way that I have to work is you did that. Which, you know, kind of crossed me. I'm not gonna. I'm never gonna say yes for you to shovel my driveway.

[B]

Yeah, you're at an arm's length.

[C]

I will never say yes. So you just got to understand that. He said, totally. Okay. And then there was another snowstorm about three weeks later. He was like, can I shovel the driveway? I said, no, you stick to your word. I wanted to help him out. He was like, I. I In the money. I said, guy, you know, if I really needed money for my family, I'm showing up at your house 20 minutes early. I'm not gonna just. I said, you disrespected me. I can't. I just can't allow it. I just can't allow it. But we're friends. Our daughters are friends. Things are good. But that's the only thing that I had so far because you asked me if any problems with the names. That was the only thing in the town where the guy was a little bit like, you know, hey, man, I'm not, you know me. I don't carry myself like, I think who I. That ain't me. I try to minimize myself.

[A]

I heard a lot of your therapy

[C]

coming through in that big time, dude. At the end of the day, most people are making red. Other people are making blue. You want to have a good relationship, make purple.

[B]

Jesus Christ said that.

[C]

That's what it is.

[B]

Corinthians.

[C]

Make purple, baby.

[A]

The Advent colors.

[C]

The Advent colors, that is shout out, you know, Lent, Easter. What's the next big one we got coming up now? Now we're going into ordinance. We're in ordinary time right now, as the Catholics call Ordinary time.

[B]

Time.

[A]

Chilling.

[C]

We're chilling Ordinary time. Yeah, we got nothing really big brewing until, you know, where Easter's done. We got Christmas. Yeah, man, but no, we got a few before Christmas. We got all Saints Day. We got a few bangers.

[A]

That's European.

[C]

All Hollows Eve.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Devil. Devil. To me, that's what it is.

[C]

What Time is it? I got physical therapy.

[B]

Yeah, you gotta roll. We gotta. We gotta get you out of here, bud.

[C]

What time is it? What do we get?

[B]

2:40.

[C]

Shit. Yeah, I got. I got PT about three blocks away. Indian guy. I told you, he's fucking. He lost 40 pounds on red or True Tide. Kept all the muscle.

[B]

I'm gonna go to your doctor. And I gotta get tight. I gotta get figured out the G.

[C]

Everything it's all about. You guys are on Dual Agonist. It's all about supposedly the triple agonist. The glp. You want the GLP one, you want the glucagon and you want the insulin sensitivity.

[B]

Glucagon. Sounds like you're making it up.

[A]

I've had glucagon.

[C]

What they do, where they shoot it.

[A]

I like it grilled.

[C]

Yeah, not bad.

[B]

We gotta go.

[A]

He just keeps getting better and better.

[B]

He's my favorite guy in the world every Thursday.

[C]

You know where to find me. New York comedy.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen, Chrissy Day. He's back. All right, Kippy, what do you got for.

[B]

Guys? We're over the road. Tickets on sale now. We're gonna be at the Netflix festival. Yeah, the Belasco Theater. Get the. Those tickets. Everybody's having trouble moving. Tickets at the goddamn festival. Get the tickets. Yeah. Atlantic City, Portland, Maine. We're all over the place. Get them tickets, gang.

[A]

Chrissy, we love you so much.

[C]

Thank you, guys.

[A]

Guys, we love you too. We'll see you next week.

[C]

Peace.