Tom Segura: The Early Years

Summary

---

Are You Garbage? | Tom Segura: The Early Years

Podcast Hosts: Kevin Ryan & H. Foley
Guest: Tom Segura
Release Date: March 19, 2026

---

EPISODE OVERVIEW

In this laugh-filled episode, comedy superstar Tom Segura returns to "Are You Garbage?" for a deep dive into his early stand-up days and his journey from trashy beginnings to today’s success. Hosts Kevin Ryan, H. Foley, and Tom share stories about brutal road gigs, trashy living habits, fast food-fueled nights, the pains of learning standup, and plenty of bathroom disasters along the way. The episode paints a hilarious, unvarnished portrait of life "on the come up" in comedy—complete with run-ins with sketchy apartments, bad jobs, and questionable hygiene. Can Segura escape his garbage roots? Spoiler: he’s still trash (and loving it).

---

KEY DISCUSSION POINTS & INSIGHTS

1. Arrival in Hollywood: Hopes, Naivety & LA’s Grit (11:03–18:09)

• Tom moved to LA in 2002, originally chasing “comedy acting” and not stand-up.
• Enrolled in Groundlings, convinced he’d follow a “clear plan” to Saturday Night Live.
• Early LA living: had an apartment on a street infamous for prostitution and heroin deals.

  “It is a track for trans prostitutes... And it's also location. People go to get heroin.” – Tom Segura (12:38)

• Reality check: Rapidly realized Hollywood wasn’t glamorous.

2. The Stand-Up Genesis: Misguided Confidence & First Sets (14:04–19:25)

• Friends at Groundlings encouraged Tom to try stand-up after seeing his comedic style.
• Booked his first show without a single joke written, with weeks to prepare, thinking “I got this, dude.”
• Wildly overestimated his readiness:

  “I go, not joke one... I'm like, I got, like, 45 [minutes] or something.” – Tom Segura (16:08)

• Pounded drinks from nerves, fumbled his first set’s order, but managed to “throw a party” for himself after surviving it.

3. The Early Hustle: Garbage Jobs & Desperate Times (23:11–29:01)

• Tom’s LA day jobs:
  • Walk-up sandwich shop (“so high at night,” couldn’t tell bacon from prosciutto)
  • Logger, post-production editor, site rep (watching over homes used for film shoots)
  • Pizza shop server (was complimented for his “nice legs” by his boss)
• Lived in dangerous, dirt-cheap neighborhoods:

  “There was MS-13 and this Mexican gang... broad daylight, shooting on the streets.” – Tom Segura (28:48)

• Shared about strategic day jobs to support stand-up ambitions; often one step from disaster.

4. Hitting the Road: Club Life & Comedy Condos (30:01–36:15)

• Described eating losses as a “graduate school” for comedians—taking feature gigs everywhere for $100/show, no airfare.
• Tales of trashy club condos, being driven by the “scumbag from the club,” and living out of a suitcase.
• Became obsessed with airline status and the little perks—upgrades felt like “winning the lottery.”
• Food and hygiene habits degraded on the road:

  “I would eat… those [airline] chocolate brownie brittles for breakfast with a Coke.” – Tom Segura (32:23)

• Diarrhea, jerk-off routines, stashing sandwiches for post-nap meals—a cycle of destruction.

5. Trashy Diets, Hotel Room Living & Hygiene Confessions (34:38–46:41)

• Tom’s road routine:
  • Hunt for chocolate croissants, diner breakfasts (“eggs over hash browns with crispy bacon”)
  • Eating late at night after shows, waking up in a sugar crash.

  “I could wake up and eat [an Italian sandwich]. That’d be a fucking great day.” – Tom Segura (35:49)

• Detailed his packing strategy (always over-pack underwear), but admitted to sometimes skipping showers and letting things “go.”
• Father’s savage underwear habits:

  “If you see a little something, you just flip it inside out. You wear the other side.” – Tom Segura (46:42)

6. The Legendary Shart: Shocking But True (47:27–56:35)

• Hysterical story of accidentally shitting himself during a production shoot for "Bad Thoughts" after mixing stimulants and being in layers of costume.

  “I farted a little bit of like a log of shit out and then it was like, well, that’s fine. Yeah, man. Is that trashy?” – Tom Segura (57:15)

• Didn’t discover it for hours, until airing out at home. Costume department only found "a little bit" in the “comfort sweats.”
• Classic case of denial:

  “I think the truth is that I kind of knew and I just was like, that’s not real.” – Tom Segura (56:49)

7. Down and Out: Companions, Gluttony & Wasted Days (58:29–63:50)

• Comedy club circuit paired him with a cast of characters: a 600 lb. feature act (“the scent would come through the walls”), an alcoholic who tried to proposition him, and questionable late-night conversations.
• Admitted to gaining weight, rarely socializing, and struggling with depression/loneliness—but not realizing it at the time.
• Importance of finally getting to bring friends on tour:

  “Having your friends with you is everything.” – Tom Segura (64:01)

8. Bad Habits: Smoking, Health, and Self-Delusion (65:17–70:10)

• Started smoking at 25 (“which is insane”), quit at 30, relapsed a decade later.
• Reflected on the profound change from unhealthy habits to clean living now—workouts, healthy eating, feeling “so much better.”
• Laughed at past self and every comic’s ability to delude themselves about their own health (“I should switch to aluminum free deodorant”—while chain-smoking and eating garbage).

---

MEMORABLE QUOTES & MOMENTS

• “It is a track for trans prostitutes... And it's also location. People go to get heroin.”
  – Tom Segura (12:38)
• “In my head, I was like, damn, I'm not doing as bad as everybody thinks.”
  – Dave Foley on the fancy ranch (01:26)
• "That's a shirt from Hong Kong that was custom made for me, because I couldn't buy shirts in stores, dude."
  – Tom Segura (05:36)
• “I would eat those [airline] chocolate brownie brittles for breakfast with a Coke.”
  – Tom Segura (32:23)
• “I have diarrhea every day.”
  – Tom Segura (35:22)
• “I farted a little bit of like a log of shit out and then it was like, well, that's fine. Yeah, man. Is that trashy?”
  – Tom Segura (57:15)
• “If you see a little something, you just flip it inside out. You wear the other side.”
  – Tom’s Dad, via Tom Segura (46:42)
• “Having your friends with you is everything.”
  – Tom Segura (64:01)
• “You're still stone cold garbage.”
  – Kevin James Ryan (65:14)

---

TIMESTAMPS FOR KEY SEGMENTS

• Arrival in LA & Groundlings Plan: 11:03–14:03
• First Standup Set & Early Comedy: 14:04–19:25
• Garbage Jobs & Cheap Living: 23:11–29:01
• Comedy Road & Food Disasters: 30:01–46:07
• Shart Story (Costume Disaster): 47:27–56:35
• Pairing with “Garbage” Road Comics: 58:29–63:50
• Smoking, Health, & Growth: 65:17–70:10

---

FINAL VERDICT

Tom may have a successful career, a family, a new place, and several ventures, but as the hosts gleefully remind him: “You’re still stone cold garbage.” Through stories of late-night eats, shoddy club condos, self-imposed squalor, and the infamous shart, Segura proves that comedy’s climb, even at the top, is paved with delightfully trashy memories.

---

Transcript

[Dave Foley]

Hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is. Are you Garbage?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Dave Foley]

It's a little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that if they grew up to be classy, yeah, they're just a big old piece of trash. Tommy Buns, I'm your host, Dave Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're down here in Austin, Texas, at Toady Ranch, soon to be the premier producer of longhorn beef. My co host is coming from right next to me. He is the CEO of R U Garbage International businessman, my best pal in the whole wide world. Give it up for KJ Kevin. James Ryan, everybody.

[Kevin James Ryan]

What up, gang? Shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in as always. Please make sure you rate review. Subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify, baby.

[Dave Foley]

Climbing a chart.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Shout out to the creator program. And we're charging the charts bait. We're not the top of the charts. Middle of the charts, you know what I mean? Who wants to be in the top of the pack? We're a couple of middle of the road kind of guys. Then obviously. Patreon.com Are you garbage? You go over there, you get all that bonus content, gang.

[Dave Foley]

That's right. And, gang, we couldn't be more excited ever. Incredibly, and I mean incredibly. Special guest back with us again today. You know him, you love him, Mr. Tom Sagur.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you, Tommy Bun. Thank you.

[Dave Foley]

Entrepreneur, actor, producer, podcaster.

[Kevin James Ryan]

This has real Dateline vibes.

[Dave Foley]

It does.

[Tom Segura]

It does. It does. I feel like.

[Dave Foley]

Tom, what are you doing here?

[Tom Segura]

Where I buried the kids.

[Dave Foley]

There's no way I'm gonna make it with this fireplace either. I'm already Fitz it.

[Tom Segura]

I love the ranch, by the way.

[Dave Foley]

Thank you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I totally bought it. When you were like, I just bought the place, I was like, oh.

[Dave Foley]

In my head, I was like, damn, I'm not doing as bad as everybody thinks.

[Kevin James Ryan]

No, I gotta push back on

[Dave Foley]

me personally. Could have swung this.

[Tom Segura]

I didn't doubt it when you said it, man. Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

All right, well, it's not like there's that loser.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dave Foley]

Retard is a nice. Nice. It's all brick stone.

[Tom Segura]

Whatever it is, it's nice. It's really nice.

[Dave Foley]

Nice joint.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

What did you think when you get

[Dave Foley]

the hell out of my house?

[Kevin James Ryan]

It was. It's a. It's a nice property. It's an Airbnb. We spent more money on it than we made this weekend.

[Tom Segura]

Sure.

[Dave Foley]

That's how you gotta operate, so.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Perfect.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I. I Called because when I got the address, I pulled up and I called my guy and I was like, hey, man, this is a house, right? A house. I thought it was like a studio somewhere. And he was like, I don't know. I was like, it's a house. I don't think this is right. This is like a big fucking ranch house. He was like, let me check. And then the gate opened. I was like, oh, it's the right place.

[Dave Foley]

Couple of cartel guys out front. You roll deep, baby.

[Tom Segura]

Some sicario shit. Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

We were all looking at the window. We're like, I wonder what he's going to pull up in. And then like, he's here. We're all like peering out the window like, dude, we do not belong here.

[Dave Foley]

I wanted to go through the garage and play it casual. You guys had me go to the front door.

[Tom Segura]

It was a nice welcome. Front door is a nice welcome.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You don't want you. I mean, that's a classy, classy welcome. Yeah. Bringing a dude. We had, there's. First of all, there's about 10,000 empty beer cans in the garage.

[Dave Foley]

Rich guys, everybody comes through the garage. Nobody goes through the front door of your house today. Somebody comes over. They're coming through the garage.

[Tom Segura]

No, they come in the front door.

[Dave Foley]

Okay. That's why. I don't know.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I love what you. I love, I love what. Your understanding of what rich people. You think rich people do. Everybody comes into the window.

[Dave Foley]

The last one thing I want to ask you about now because we're going to go back a little bit to get to your trashiest era.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dave Foley]

Like the bakery. You got the bakery going now.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Where's that at? Let's hit that.

[Tom Segura]

So, okay, right now we have our pop up is at the fairgrounds downtown.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

And then today we opened a remote. No shit. Like, also downtown. And then the grand opening of our big place is May 1st. It's on South Lamar.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Huh.

[Dave Foley]

How involved in that are you?

[Tom Segura]

I mean, I have says in like.

[Dave Foley]

And you're showing up to meetings.

[Tom Segura]

I go up.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I go there. Yeah.

[Dave Foley]

My question is, when you show up to these meetings, you always have the glasses on, right? To look smart and sharp.

[Tom Segura]

Probably.

[Dave Foley]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That's a rich. I wear those almost looking over blueprints. What is this? Yeah, very nice.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Now, if I were to go in there and maybe drop your name, would I be like, would I.

[Dave Foley]

There's nobody. That connection close. Right.

[Kevin James Ryan]

If I'm like, I know. You know, is Tom here? You know what I mean? Like, is Tom in the Back that.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, they would tell you for sure. I mean, I go there. So, yeah, they would be like, yeah, he's here or no, he's down.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm going to try this afternoon.

[Tom Segura]

These are like off the boat Italians, though, you know? Like, these are the real deal. They don't like you.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I don't do well with it.

[Dave Foley]

Are you. Are you boss? Like, you would. You could like, correct an. Correct an employee or anything like that? Like, hey, wash your hands. What are you guys doing? You're not doing that, right?

[Tom Segura]

No, because they, I. They manage like, it's. I'm their partner.

[Kevin James Ryan]

He's not the shift manager. You guys clean the bathrooms every day.

[Tom Segura]

If I saw something bad, though, what I do is just tell the guy. I'd be like, yo, this guy's a.

[Dave Foley]

Like, if you walked into the walking and I was smoking a bowl in there, would you rap me out?

[Kevin James Ryan]

You know he's doing whippets.

[Tom Segura]

No, no. It's so good, though. I have to. I almost have to stay away. Sure. It's. This guy is making pastry crack, you know, it's.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So we gotta go.

[Tom Segura]

You have to go.

[Dave Foley]

Let's just recap. You got the bakery. You just finished season two of Bad Thoughts.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dave Foley]

Right. You're shooting the movie.

[Tom Segura]

I shot. I shot one over the summer movie. Shot the one with LT Gray.

[Dave Foley]

Right?

[Tom Segura]

Yep.

[Dave Foley]

So pretty fantastic.

[Tom Segura]

That was great. That was so much fun.

[Dave Foley]

Everything's good.

[Tom Segura]

It's good.

[Dave Foley]

Yeah. Said you just got a new place, you got a hot new car outside, you got the family, you got the pods, you got everything going on.

[Tom Segura]

It's good right now.

[Dave Foley]

Everything's good.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dave Foley]

The. The best form of Tom Segura that

[Tom Segura]

you've ever been is probably right now.

[Dave Foley]

It's probably right now.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dave Foley]

That has not always been the case.

[Tom Segura]

No, that's it. No.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I sent you a picture of yourself a couple of weeks ago.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah?

[Dave Foley]

Yeah. Dude.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You were like, I. Well, how big are you?

[Dave Foley]

Downs? Oh, that's right.

[Kevin James Ryan]

From the.

[Tom Segura]

You were like. That was from the podcast.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I was like, this is a wild picture.

[Tom Segura]

It's a while. You're like, what's up with the fit? And then as soon as you said that, it clicked. And I was like, oh, that's a shirt from Hong Kong that was custom made for me because I couldn't buy shirts in stores, dude. Yeah, you look.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Dude, you look like, why Hong Kong? You look like an enforcer for the Ukrainian mob.

[Tom Segura]

It's like a wild choice because. Okay, I'll tell you why. So I Shot. I shot my first special in 2013. It came out in 2014.

[Dave Foley]

This is a Netflix special.

[Tom Segura]

Netflix special. This was the one that. It's not a. You know, they do license and they do originals, right. So this was a licensed special.

[Dave Foley]

All right.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Do you remember the first weekend you sold out?

[Tom Segura]

I remember. Here's what I remember. I remember that the special came out in March of 2014. I remember that in June or July, I played the Cleveland Improv. And the guy was a real ball buster there, Lee. And he goes. He goes, I don't know what's going on, but you hit some bonuses, and I don't know why.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Thanks, Lee.

[Tom Segura]

I go, what? He goes, I don't know. I have. This doesn't make any sense, but you hit bonuses.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm not a fan. I think it's a bit pedestrian, but people are combat people that don't know.

[Tom Segura]

What happens is, like, when you're selling tickets in clubs, you have, like, a flat. This is when you're starting out.

[Dave Foley]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

You have a flat rate, and that's like, no matter what, then you move into the next tier, which is you have your rate. Plus, if a certain amount of people come to shows, you get bonuses. So it might be like 500 a show, 300 a show. It's just different rates that will bump up your pay. And you're always, like, gauging those, right? You're always like, am I close?

[Kevin James Ryan]

What? Am I close?

[Tom Segura]

And they're like, no.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So these are all paper tickets?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, they're like, this is free. So that weekend, though, he had told me, he was like, you hit some bonuses. I don't understand. And I wasn't even like, oh, it's the special. Because the special comes out. Special comes out. You're seeing at the time, Twitter, and you're just like, yeah. Some people are like, hey, I saw your special.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And then nothing, like, literally metric to really at that time.

[Tom Segura]

Then a month later, you're like, did my life change? No. Like, everything is the same. And then you're just like, back to it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Back to the Cleveland Improv.

[Tom Segura]

So that's what I was doing. And it was like. He was like, you hit bonuses. And then I remember that I did San Francisco. I did Cobbs. Great club at the, like, towards the end of the year. And I had. I was working contracts that were signed way earlier.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Sure. So you got shit deals going.

[Tom Segura]

It was like, shit deals. But I walked away from that club with, like. I think the guarantee was like, two or three. 1800. And I left with, like, 9000. And I was like, that's okay.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You could have told me. Suck my.

[Tom Segura]

It was 200. I was just like, what? And at that point, it was, like, clear that I was selling tickets. And then 2015. Oh, wait. So in 14, the special had been out a little while. I think we're in, like, September, October. I'm starting to, like, clearly sell tickets, right? And I do a tour of Asia with. With Pete Lee.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Oh, the documentary.

[Tom Segura]

And there's a documentary. Okay, I need you to kill. Yeah, it's on. I think it's on prime. While we're there.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You did the richest I've ever seen in that.

[Tom Segura]

You.

[Kevin James Ryan]

He couldn't remember his bits, so he bought an old album. And I'm like, oh, yeah, what the. I need to spend 14 bucks to hear your own. This guy's got some cash, dude.

[Tom Segura]

That's happened to me multiple times where I got hired to do a private. And I made the mistake. This is a mistake. Just so you know, if you're ever doing a private, and no one's hiring

[Kevin James Ryan]

us to do private gigs.

[Tom Segura]

Well, if you do it, they'll. Sometimes you'll meet people that are over at Nvidia, like, the buyers ahead of time. And I think a nervous thing to do is be like, hey, you know, like, this is what I had done was like, hey, you know, I'm on. I'm on a tour. I'm just doing.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm doing the act.

[Tom Segura]

I'm doing the act that I'm doing on tour. And I've said that to people at Privates before the show, and they're like, no, no, I want you to do, like, this, this, and this. Like, they'll name stuff you've seen, the

[Kevin James Ryan]

stuff they've seen that they like of you.

[Tom Segura]

And then I'm like, that's like eight years ago or something. And I've had to go and download an album and listen to it, and then it all up. Like, I get it all wrong. But anyway, when I was in Hong Kong, I. I got.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You guys got suits made?

[Tom Segura]

We got suits made. But I also had, like. The guy took measurements and did shirts. I just kept ballooning. I just kept getting fatter.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You were a big boy.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that. And that's not even the worst of it.

[Dave Foley]

What was your fattest?

[Tom Segura]

The fattest is gonna be, like, the end of 2015, beginning of 16, because that's new.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's new. That's new money. That's. That's a lot of dinners and rich

[Tom Segura]

guy dinners, and it's also. It's emotional, like, what's going on? How do I do this? How do I maintain this? So I think the most I ever got to was 265. That's what you see in that. Yeah, yeah. I mean, what you're seeing there, though, That's. Yeah, that's 265 point.

[Dave Foley]

Yeah. All right. That's good. So that's kind of the coming out of all that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dave Foley]

Let's go back.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, Go back.

[Dave Foley]

And some of this you might have talked about, but we're gonna do it in a kind of a linear. Linear way, which is interesting. Where are you living in LA.

[Tom Segura]

All right. So I get to LA January 2002, and I have no idea how LA operates. I also am not coming to do stand up. I'm coming to do, like, comedy acting. That's what I think my path is, comedy acting. You know what I mean? Like, acting. But, like, I'm like, oh, I'll do, like, comedic comedic acting. Yeah, that's what I think I'll do. So I know we know what you're talking about.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Well, I mean, explaining comedy acting about, like, I want to do acting, but comedy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, if you go, people think you're like, drama. Sure. Like, I don't have, like, I'm not like, I'm going to be Christian Bale. I'm just like, oh, I'll do what these guys I see do.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I can be fun, I can be

[Dave Foley]

funny, a comedic actor.

[Tom Segura]

There it is. So I go, oh, what's. You have to have some type of idea of how to do this. I go, what I'll do is I know that SNL pulls people from the Groundlings.

[Dave Foley]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

So I'll sign up for the Groundlings. I'll take their classes. I'll get into the performing Groundlings thing. SNL will come see me. I'll do snl, and then I'll do, like, great plan. Obviously, it's a clear plan. And I.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's how my mom thinks show business works, by the way.

[Tom Segura]

Of course. That's how everything.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Why don't you call snl? You got good skits.

[Tom Segura]

My mom. Why don't you call Leno?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

For what?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Have you ever met Leno?

[Tom Segura]

Yes. Yeah. Shout out to Leno's Leno's car guy. And, like, also, like, the easiest guy to talk to, like, really laid back, super cool guy. So.

[Dave Foley]

So where you live and where do you move into?

[Tom Segura]

I'm trying. All right, so the first place I live.

[Dave Foley]

Care about your grounding. Stories.

[Tom Segura]

This is.

[Dave Foley]

You want the dirt?

[Tom Segura]

This place is on Mansfield.

[Dave Foley]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

In Hollywood, between Fountain and Santa Monica. It is a track for trans prostitutes.

[Dave Foley]

Nice.

[Tom Segura]

And it's also location. People go to get heroin. It's a big heroin thing. So you would always see trans prostitutes walking by off of the balcony. And then you would. You'd see people scoring heroin all the time there. Cool. And I was like, this is cool, man. I live in Hollywood.

[Kevin James Ryan]

This is a story. These are my LA years.

[Tom Segura]

This is where comedy's made, you know?

[Kevin James Ryan]

So comedy acting.

[Dave Foley]

Comedy acting.

[Tom Segura]

So I go to the Groundlings. I sign up. I. You have to do. You do, like, an audition class. Okay.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And they're like. And they're like, you can skip this first obvious couple. I was like, yeah, no. So get Lauren on the phone.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Let's go. I got to do. I need a Ferrari. I got.

[Dave Foley]

I go, I want to start with the black belt class.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I mean, I really feel like I'm like, I definitely got this. Right? And then you go, like, you need

[Kevin James Ryan]

to think that too. You have to think before you get checked. You got to go. I literally get. I went, if I'm. I did comedy for the first time, and I went, if I'm not famous in a year, I'm giving it up. Like, you just don't know how it works.

[Dave Foley]

Some dudes hit that. I gave myself a year and whatever.

[Tom Segura]

What? It's really crazy. Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Myself, 15 years, and it finally worked.

[Tom Segura]

So then they put you in, like, tier. Like. Like, you skipped, like, the bait. Like, if you see people going to,

[Kevin James Ryan]

like, the 201 or whatever.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. You're like, this dipshit is. Don't tell me. I'm like, him, Right? So you.

[Dave Foley]

I'm better than this guy.

[Tom Segura]

You jump them and you're like, yeah, these guys are. They don't have it. And then you go into, like, 201. I do that. Then you go to the next level. At that level is where I meet some other people that are taking the class that are stand up comics.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Gotcha.

[Tom Segura]

And they tell me in class one day separately, they're like, you should try stand up. I was like, what? They go, no, I don't. I was like, what? And they go, you'd like that. I can just tell. I think you would like that. And I go, I have no idea what to do. So they go, just come with me and I'll show you, like, how I do spots. So I went with two separate people. I went with Nick Wegener, and I went With Sam. Tripoli. Cool. Tripoli was in my class, and he took me around. I watched him do spots, and I was like, I don't. I don't even understand the concept of how this works. So he's showing me. He's doing these spots around town. Nick takes me one day into this place called the Cat Club on Sunset, and there's a. It's not a bringer show. It's a booked show.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

But it's like, you know, it's not high level. It's not like established comedians. It's like people all trying to, like, kind of get in, you know? So he walks me up to this lady Kathy, and he goes. He goes, this is my friend Tom. He's a comic. And I'm like, yeah. She goes, okay. And she's, like, looking at me. She goes, we have a. Like, you want to do the show, like, April 9th or whatever? And I was like, yeah, yeah, of course.

[Dave Foley]

Sounds good.

[Tom Segura]

And she's like, all right, cool. You're booked. And I was like, great. I walk out of there.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That shit's easy, dude.

[Tom Segura]

And then I leave there, and I'm like, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

[Kevin James Ryan]

How. How far away was this? Three weeks.

[Tom Segura]

It was like, a few weeks away. And I go, not joke one.

[Dave Foley]

Yeah. Nothing.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I. I'm like, I. I have to, like, start writing things down. So I go to the improv, I see standups, like, perform, and I'm like, oh, I got this, dude. Like, this is obvious.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Come on.

[Tom Segura]

I'm gonna run circles around. Sure.

[Kevin James Ryan]

These guys suck.

[Tom Segura]

I write down stuff, and I'm like, I don't know. I got, like, 45 or something. And then the. The.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Dude, you're just. You have no idea how it works.

[Tom Segura]

You have no idea.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Like, there's no. Like, here's this. Here's the rule book. There's no ten commandments that you're just like, all right. It's.

[Tom Segura]

Is that. It's that, like, unknown, right? Especially if you haven't. Like, there's some people who are, like. They're around a lot, so they start to, like, get an idea. But I wasn't around it. Like, it was. It's so, like, I knew what stand up was, obviously, but I wasn't, like, in the clubs watching to be like,

[Kevin James Ryan]

oh, they're redoing the same bits. They're changing it.

[Tom Segura]

I have no idea. I have no idea.

[Dave Foley]

But you're booked. You're all set.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You're in April 9th.

[Dave Foley]

Come on.

[Tom Segura]

I. I remember that. As I. As the date was approaching, I got, like, more and more nervous. And the morning of the set, I popped up out of bed at, like, five in the morning. Like, just sat up, like. Like, like that. And I start, like, walking through the apartment, like, rehearsing to myself. Here's how dumb I am, though.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Are you doing, like, you have, like, a remote in your hand as a mic?

[Tom Segura]

Probably.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That was my go to move that Comcast remote and then bring it.

[Dave Foley]

He's doing the Tonight show introduction.

[Tom Segura]

Hey, everybody doing. Doing gestures.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Oh, you want me to come over to the couch?

[Dave Foley]

Which side's the band gonna be on?

[Tom Segura]

The craziest thing. Did I still. I mean, I can believe I did this, but it's like. It's so dumb. I'm in that. I'm at the next level of the imp class. Grounding's class. Like, the day, two days before we have class, and then people are just talking. I was like, oh, yeah, I got a show Thursday. And they go, I didn't know you did stand up. And instead of being like, well, I'm gonna try for the first time, I just go, yeah, duh. Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm actually like.

[Tom Segura]

And level. The whole class is like, we want to see you to stand up. And I was like, yeah, you should. I'm.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Why wouldn't you want to? Yeah. Legend in the making.

[Tom Segura]

I go to that thing. I'm just a nervous wreck. I don't. I never drink before sets. Like, I've always been like, I don't like that.

[Dave Foley]

Right?

[Tom Segura]

That day at the bar, I think I down three in, like, four minutes. Just, like, pounding them. So nervous. And since I'd never done a set, I'm like, when do I go up? And they have the list, you know, they go, you're seventh. And I was like, oh, Jesus. So now you got Sweat it out. So the MCs, like, this older lady, she goes up there and she's reading stuff. She's doing her set. And then she's like, all right, your first comic is Tom Segura.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And I'm like, I'm seventh.

[Tom Segura]

As I walk on stage, I go, I thought I was seventh. And she looks down and she goes, oh, yeah. Like, yeah, you are. You were. And so I'm like, all right, bitch. But I, I, I. At least I do well enough in my mind where it's like, fine. And then I. I get off, and I think one of my friends had come too. And afterwards, we all went somewhere, like, to have drinks and hang out. And I was like, like, Fucking throwing a party, basically. And one of my friends, he leans over, he goes, you know you didn't get paid, right? Like, he's like, you're acting like you got paid. And I was like, why do you have to fucking ruin it?

[Dave Foley]

Yeah, what are you talking about, man?

[Kevin James Ryan]

We're having my day.

[Dave Foley]

I'm out here killing it in la.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, this is a great day. Just fucking let me have fun, gang.

[Dave Foley]

Want to tell you about Hexclad.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Hexclad.

[Dave Foley]

Talking about the best pans in the world. I know a guy who loves Hexclad who's starting to get into cooking a little bit.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Ding, ding, ding, Kiparino.

[Dave Foley]

You don't want to be using that old nonstick pans or none of that stuff that peels away. You want to get Hexclad. State of the art technology. Oven safe up to 900 degrees. 900 degrees. That is wild. Cooking cleanup is easy. Wipes right off. You could tell the quality when you look at the pan.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Dave Foley]

When you see that the hex got

[Kevin James Ryan]

a little texture to it. Yeah, Listen, it's dishwasher safe. Easy to wipe clean. Like the big man said, it's metal utensil safe. No baby requires you not to go. You don't have to use the plastic spatula to melt the whole thing. These are heavy, dudes. What we're doing, it's just like cooking. Cooking's cooking, baby. And I'm such an idiot. I bought them before they were sponsored. That's how much I freaking love these guys. I got them. I went, oh, my God, this has changed my life. And then they go, oh, Hexclad's a sponsor. How you doing? Send it this way.

[Dave Foley]

Ship it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

We love it. Stay. It stays. Stay cool. Stainless steel handle, so you're not grabbing a scorching hot pan or handle every time you cook. Over 1 million customers and over 50,000. Five star reviews are in that the secret's out. The real there's a reason Gordon Ramsay uses Hexcloud at home and in his restaurants. He's the toughest critic on the planet. So if they're good enough for Chef Ramsay, they're good enough for old Kipirino. And any of you bozos out there, don't go through another spring using the same busted pans you should have thrown out years ago. For a limited time only, our listeners get 10% off your order. With our exclusive link, just head to hexclad.com garbage support the show and tell them the boys sent you. Hexclad H E X c l a d.com garbage. Make sure to let them know the boy sent you Spring cleaning. Your kitchen is smart. Do it the smart way with Hexclad.

[Tom Segura]

Do it Hexclad.

[Dave Foley]

Kevin, let's talk about Cash App.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Cash App Green.

[Dave Foley]

I don't know if you knew this or not, but Cash App just released a new status program for the way people actually spend called Cash App Green.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Oh, tell me more, big fellow.

[Dave Foley]

Unlocks new ways for you to pay, get rewarded and easily grow or manage your money on your terms. How about that?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. Now when you spend at least $500 a month with a Cash App card or Cash App pay, you earn green status Cha Ching. Which unlocks benefits like up to $200 of free overdraft coverage. Hey, talk about having your back. You got higher borrow limits and custom personalized cashback offers every Friday at places you love to shop. Turn everyday spending into status with Cash App Green. Download Cash App today or, or visit Cash App New to learn more about this and other great features. Launching now for a limited time, new Cash App Customers can earn $10 if they use the code CASH APP10 in their profile at signup and send $5 to a friend within 14 days. Easy peasy. Terms apply. Cash App is a financial service platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App's bank partners. Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton bank member fdic. Cash App Green Overdraft coverage. Borrow Cash back offers and provided by Cash App, a blocking brand. Visit Cash App slash legal podcast for full disclosures.

[Tom Segura]

Do it anyway. I'm just like, at that point, I'm like, oh, I'm a, I'm a stand up.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I start doing spots like once. Sorry, every two months. I don't even know that. That's not a lot. I think that, you know, you're working,

[Kevin James Ryan]

you're, you're working the scene at that.

[Tom Segura]

I think that that's like a lot. I'm like, yeah, I did one in April, got it one in June. Like, I think that that's a lot. Like, that's how comics work. So it took me probably six months or more to learn that comics are going up.

[Kevin James Ryan]

There's like, you got to work the system.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I didn't know, I didn't even know that.

[Dave Foley]

So what's your day to day at this time? Also off stage.

[Tom Segura]

So what are you saying?

[Dave Foley]

What are you grocery shopping? What's the story?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I'm, I'm.

[Dave Foley]

Is it just you in this apartment?

[Tom Segura]

No, I have Roommates.

[Dave Foley]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dave Foley]

What are you doing for the day? You doing the producer thing where you were.

[Tom Segura]

No, I'm, I'm. I have so many different jobs.

[Dave Foley]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

End up getting. So I work first. I open. I'm one of the opening staff on Chibo at Chibo on Sunset.

[Dave Foley]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Which is. It was a walk up where you could order, like paninis, you know, lemonade, like, like sandwiches and, and like, and it's a counter. Like, so you walk up and order. So I would work the, the, the front counter.

[Dave Foley]

What time do you got to be there in the morning?

[Tom Segura]

The. Why? I told the guy, the chef. I was like, I want to be a chef, too. I want to be like a cook. So he was.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You're just, you just see someone doing something. Like, I can do that.

[Tom Segura]

I, I, But I would get, I would. It was getting so high at night that I would come in like this and he was like, go get the prosciutto out of the walk in fridge. And I was like, all right. And I'd be in there for like 20 minutes.

[Dave Foley]

Who's prosciutto?

[Tom Segura]

And then I come back and he goes, that's bacon. Like, he gets so mad. Like, and he told me, he's like, this is not going to work. I was like, I agree. So I did that for a while. I did the front counter there for a while.

[Dave Foley]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

I also worked in post production for a long time, right. And this was the thing. Everybody who does stand up or I think any of the arts at some point has to make a choice of, are you going to have the stability of a real job or take the risk of the art thing.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It gets to a point where you're like, I have to make that this month. Like, it gets to a point.

[Tom Segura]

I was like, I was a logger on reality shows.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Then I was lead logger. Then I was the post production coordinator. Then I worked in the story department. These are all reality shows, right? And then at one point I got this. This is also just the stupidity of, like, in 2007, I signed with a manager and it was the day that I signed with him was the day we were starting a new show. And on this new show, something had happened in post production where someone had sued one of these post production companies for not paying overtime to a lot. They were only paying overtime to editors, and they would abuse the time that we. So we would work on paper, a 12 hour shift, and they would have us there 14, 16 hours or more, right? And they were just like, it is what it is, dude. Yeah, like, this is the job and you just would suck it up. I had a cool boss that he would let me dip out to do spots because at this point I would know that I had. So he would let me go do a spot and come back. And then if I had a weekend, I'd be like, hey, can I. Can I have, you know, Thursday and Friday off, but I'll work like, more.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'll make it up next week.

[Tom Segura]

And he was like, yes. He would take care of me like that well on this new gig. It was a new show. They were like, you're going to get the most you've ever gotten as a base rate and overtime. So this was clearly going to be the most money I had ever made at that point. But I signed with a manager and like two days later, he's like, I got you an audition, like, for this movie, like at one in the afternoon. And I go, I need to quit my job. So I quit.

[Dave Foley]

There you go.

[Tom Segura]

I resigned. And I was like, I'm full time. And I told the.

[Dave Foley]

For the panini place.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I told my manager. I was like, yeah, I quit my job. That. He was like, what?

[Kevin James Ryan]

What? Idiot?

[Tom Segura]

I was like, isn't that good? He was like, yeah, you didn't get the movie. He's like, yeah, you didn't get the movie. It was an Eddie Murphy movie. I was like, this is the big time. I'm in. I'm in this now.

[Dave Foley]

How were you on the early days of the road? Your behavior, your eating habits, etc.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, it was a slow unrolling of bad, bad things. I mean, it, it was declined.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Feature a lot on the road.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, a lot.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So that, that. It started out as a feature.

[Tom Segura]

I started as a feature. I was, I also worked at a pizza place on Riverside Drive in la serving pizza. And I remember that guy, the owner was gay. And I would wear shorts a lot. And one time I was late and I was like, I'm sorry I'm late. He goes, we always take it easy on guys with nice legs. And I was like, what? And then I was like, oh, I didn't know. I was like, okay, I'll just wear shorts every day.

[Dave Foley]

Shake my little ass.

[Tom Segura]

He's like, you got nice, nice calf. So I worked there. And the other one that I had, that was a real. This was a crazy full circle thing for me is, you know what a site rep is on productions? No. So if, if you, if you own this house and you go, I want.

[Dave Foley]

Which I Don't.

[Tom Segura]

But you don't. But I thought you did. But if you own this house and you go, I want movies and television shows. Right, Right. You give the house. You basically give the house to an agent. That's like an agent for houses, for productions. Well, the day the production shoots here, that company has to send someone to basically look over the house for the owner, to the product. You're like a liaison, make sure they're not fucking the place, they don't fuck the place up.

[Dave Foley]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

I did that. I did that for a few years.

[Dave Foley]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

And so I would work at hospitals, churches, houses, banks, all types of buildings, like, with productions. We just filmed season two of Bad Thoughts, and one of the places that we shot was the headquarters of this place that I used to work at.

[Dave Foley]

No kidding.

[Tom Segura]

So the owner was like, it's crazy that you used to work here. Now we're shooting your show here.

[Dave Foley]

Did you.

[Kevin James Ryan]

He was. That you knew?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I knew the owner. Yeah, I knew him at the time. So he came down.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's fucking awesome.

[Tom Segura]

That was pretty crazy. But I worked, and that was like an hourly job, and it was just all I needed at that point was, like, enough to get by. I mean, I was living in one of the worst neighborhoods in la. I was living in the Rampart division, which is, like, famously a dangerous place. Sure. There was a lot of gangs there. There was MS.13 and this Mexican gang that they would go at it, like, broad daylight, shooting on the streets.

[Dave Foley]

Nice.

[Tom Segura]

Crazy, crazy comedian. I saw a cop one time at a bank, a Wells Fargo, like, adjacent to downtown. And I rode the elevator with him and I mentioned. I go, yeah, I live over here. He goes, why do you live here? And I go, it's cheap, you know, because I was. I didn't have any money. And he was like, you got to be able to live somewhere else. And I go, is it. Is it that bad? He goes, we don't even go down these streets. Yeah. I was like, really? He's like, no, we don't even. We don't even patrol these areas.

[Dave Foley]

I go, that's where I live, dude.

[Tom Segura]

He was like, you got to get out of here. He was like a lieutenant, you know?

[Kevin James Ryan]

He was like, we tell my guys not even.

[Tom Segura]

He's like, I won't even send one.

[Dave Foley]

My God, that's awesome.

[Tom Segura]

So. So wait, I forget where we were.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So you start working the road a little bit.

[Tom Segura]

On the road. The road. So I start doing a few gigs in 2006. I take. I think I said seven, but it was six that I think that I had quit. I take every feature gig that they offer me, and they offer me a bunch.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

And I take them all.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Just funny bones.

[Tom Segura]

What is it? Yeah, funny bones and improvs. And I take, like, almost like every one in the nation. They. I get an offer, but it's for people who don't know that's. You get a hundred dollars a show,

[Kevin James Ryan]

no airfare, you have to get yourself there.

[Tom Segura]

So I looked at it, kind of like going to graduate school, you know, you have to, like, figure it's an investment.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You have to invest because you're not

[Tom Segura]

making money, you're losing money. Like, every.

[Kevin James Ryan]

But you're getting the reps you have to look at. It's like, well, I'm getting five or six features.

[Tom Segura]

I did notice this thing, though. It's like I was looking at it, I was like, yeah, I'm working the road. I'm working the road. You're not making any money. I noticed that, like, six months after, like, going hard at this, and I'm doing Kansas City, Hartford, Cincinnati, Tampa. Like, I'm doing the whole country. I come back and do shows in LA with, like, the. My people that I was used to seeing, to stand up with, and I was like, oh, like, I've. I have gotten better. I've gotten.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You're getting in the groove.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Because I'm performing for different crowds six nights a week or whatever all over the country. I could feel that, like, the shift of, like, you're getting better at it. So I noticed that there's still no money. Like, there's just no money.

[Dave Foley]

So what's that? What's that? What's that weekend look like? Are you staying in the hotel? Are you. Are you just eating in the.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. So I'll tell you what, it looks like I get obsessed, as with most people do, when you start touring with airline status.

[Dave Foley]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

Right. Because every day you look at that monitor and you're like, am I getting upgraded? If you get upgraded, it feels like you've won the lottery. Like, it's just a euphoric feeling. And sometimes you'd see your name go up the list and you're like, come on, motherfucker. Somebody die on this. First class. Like, you just want to get upgraded. So that was the first.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I've never been upgraded.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Dave Foley]

What kind of animal were you when you got upgraded? When you. When you're in first class and you get everything.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I mean, I wasn't. I was never big boozer, but I would be like, Can I have three breakfasts?

[Dave Foley]

Yeah, that's what I mean.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I would. And then like how many snacks? And they're like, that's. Those are. These are for everybody. And I was like, but I have to get off the plane. So I would take.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I've been bumped up. Please.

[Tom Segura]

I love the. They used to have the Delta would have the. It was like chocolate brownie brittle. Like it was like a. When you. If you'd overcooked sheet of brownies and then they break it up and I would eat those for breakfast. I would eat those for breakfast with a Coke. That's how I started. And then you lay. And. And then, and then the thing becomes.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So are you renting a car?

[Tom Segura]

No, no, there's.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's not in the bucket.

[Tom Segura]

You pick me up, dude? Yeah, yeah, you pick me up.

[Dave Foley]

Who's picking you up?

[Tom Segura]

It's some scumbag from the club.

[Kevin James Ryan]

The bus boy.

[Tom Segura]

The guy who has the dirtiest shittiest car. Picks you up. Where you're like, there's actual trash. Like when you step in, you're like, what's this like? He's like, it's just trash.

[Dave Foley]

Hey, what's up man?

[Tom Segura]

And you step on the trash. He's an open microwave, he works the clubs. And he's like, kitchen. They let me do this. I'm like, yes.

[Dave Foley]

They let me do this.

[Tom Segura]

A treat for me too. And then you have to. Then you have the anxiety of what will the condo be like? So the condo. A lot of clubs own an apartment. They call it a condo. The comedy condo. It's a write off for the club. They don't have to spend money putting

[Kevin James Ryan]

people up significantly cheaper because they know it's eleven hundred dollars a month versus thirty hotel rooms or.

[Tom Segura]

Exactly.

[Dave Foley]

This is kind of a dying thing. Thing now. But back then this was.

[Tom Segura]

This was bigger than this was it. And usually that's a Wednesday night thing. So you're getting in Wednesday night and you're like, you're like, how shitty is this going to be? And you get there and you also have the. I would have the anxiety of like, I know I have to wake up tomorrow at four in the morning, right? Which I'm living in LA and I'm on an east coast run. So four in the morning feels like one in the morning.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And they're going to pick me up to do a run of radio spots. So you're like, all right, when they.

[Dave Foley]

You win the headline or just you. Well, just when you're headlining.

[Tom Segura]

Well, it's kind of like transitional. It's. It's both right, like as a, you're right as a feature. You don't. It's not on you. But sometimes they're like, we want you to come with, you know? So then it's just like, what I'm looking forward to is an early morning high fat breakfast. That's what I'm sure I'm going to bet. I mean, what I want is like a bacon, egg and cheese croissant or burrito or both. Yeah. And then I'm like, yeah, I got my, my protein, but I need to get some sugar in my system.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. Some little something sweet.

[Tom Segura]

Yes, I'm sweet. So I would honestly eyeball. I mean, I'm not kidding when I say I opened a place because I love chocolate croissants. I would look for chocolate croissants and I would want that too. And then lots of coffee. And I would be just running on fumes for these, these radio runs. And then I would just be honestly fantasizing about the nap. I used to sleep so much more than I sleep now. I would get back from that morning radio run and it would be like, I don't know, maybe like 8am or something. And I'd be like, I think I can sleep till three at the sugar coma going, oh, bro. I would have diarrhea. And then I would take. And then I would take a lot of diarrhea. I would have diarrhea every day.

[Kevin James Ryan]

How I still do. There's nothing better than diarrhea in a hotel room because you're just like, it don't matter.

[Tom Segura]

It don't matter. It's not.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's just like, just bullet.

[Tom Segura]

Basically you go, do I need to shower after this? Yeah, that would be. That would be the dilemma of the morning. And then I would try to have like, stuff like in the room. Like if I could on the way back from radio, pick up like an Italian sandwich. So I was like, oh, when I get up after I jerk off, I'm going to want to eat. Sure. A lot of jerking. Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

He had a carbo.

[Tom Segura]

So I would be like, I could have. I could wake up and eat this. That'd be a. That'd be a fucking great day.

[Dave Foley]

Can I ask you, would you put the Italian sub in the refrigerator? Would you kind of leave it out to let it.

[Tom Segura]

I would more than likely marinate. I would more than likely put in the fridge because I'd be worried about how long it's going to be out. Like if it was going to Be out for like a little while. It's ideal. But if I'm like, you don't want to lose it. I'm going to be out for seven hours. I'm going to probably put this in

[Dave Foley]

the fridge because not that long ago I really rolled the dice with a tuna hoagie.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dave Foley]

Where I ate half of it. And then we went and did a show and then I got back at like 11 o' clock and it was still sitting there and I would, you know, it just really, you know, enjoined itself.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dave Foley]

It was so good. But I could have got violently ill. You could have.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I think you did get by. He did get violently ill. Did I say? Yeah. And he's like, I don't know what it is.

[Tom Segura]

Both things happened. It was so good. So you got violently ill.

[Dave Foley]

It was so good.

[Kevin James Ryan]

We. Well, he was so sick and he's like, I don't know what it is. We're like, well, you know. And then like. Yeah. Half of, half of the time on the road with him is like, you know, going over symptoms of like, what it. What it could be. You're like backtracking of like, you know. And Luke was like, you know, what would you eat?

[Tom Segura]

And he goes, well, I did have.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It was like. He reminded us like three hours later he's like, I could have been that.

[Tom Segura]

Could have been that 12.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That 12 hour old settles into itself.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Right. Because it starts to merit into the bread.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You don't want it to be the bread to be completely too soggy, but you want it to be a little. Yeah, I get you on there.

[Dave Foley]

But you're a fridge guy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I am kind of a fridge guy. Yeah. Spring is here and the shopping list is long time to make a Lowe's run. Buy three bags. Get three free of stay green one cubic foot garden soil Plus Right now members can earn four times the points on an eligible purchase. Start spring off strong with these deals and more. Our best lineup is here at Lowe's. Valid to 325 water supplies. Last soil offer excludes Alaskan Hawaii loyalty program. Subject to terms and conditions. Cloze.com terms for details subject to change. Point Booster Subject to exclusions and More terms apply. One time only offer Zootopia 2 has

[Kevin James Ryan]

come home to Disney Plus. Let's go get ready for a new case. We're the greatest partners of all time.

[Tom Segura]

New friends. Gary the snake and your last name the snake Dream team.

[Kevin James Ryan]

The new habitats Zootopia has a secret reptile population. You can watch the record Breaking phenomenon at home. Zootopia to now available on Disney plus rated PG. And right now you can get Disney plus and Hulu for just 4.99amonth for three months with a special limited time offer.

[Tom Segura]

Ends March 24th.

[Kevin James Ryan]

After three months, Plan Auto renews at 12.99amonth. Terms apply.

[Tom Segura]

So much porn in this era. So much porn.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Laptop.

[Tom Segura]

Are you.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You're not getting it on the tv?

[Tom Segura]

No, no, no. Yeah, I mean, I did a few times, but laptop just everywhere.

[Dave Foley]

Or laptop over the Internet or laptop downloaded?

[Tom Segura]

No, laptop. Internet.

[Dave Foley]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Internet. Yeah. And like, I don't. I had. I guess at one point I probably had a few save things, but I was more into like the perusing.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Searching.

[Tom Segura]

Searching. Yeah, yeah. And it would be hours, just gooning, really.

[Dave Foley]

Hours.

[Tom Segura]

Hours.

[Dave Foley]

My God.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dave Foley]

How are you doing with the ladies on the road at this time?

[Tom Segura]

I mean, the only time I. I was not in a relationship was pretty early on. Like, the only time I ever like, scored was like 2,000.

[Dave Foley]

Was that three?

[Tom Segura]

Three or four?

[Dave Foley]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

When I went down to Orange County, I mean, I'm. I'm a. I'm still like a pretty new comic.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I totally, like. There was a girl. I was doing a bar show. There was a girl waiting. A girl out of a bar show. And then. And she was sitting at the bar, didn't know that there was. The show was like, inside. I was like, you coming in here? And she was like, for what? I was like, stand up. And she was like, no. I was like, you should like, I'm pretty awesome. I was like, I'm going to be. And she was like, okay. And then she came in and we just. Oh, this was crazy. After that, I took her out of there. We start making out at the bar. No, no, outside.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

And then I was like, do you have a room? And she was like, no, I get her to get a room at. At. On the beach. It's like $500 or something. Which was crazy.

[Dave Foley]

You were just going back. You were just.

[Tom Segura]

I was going to drive back to la.

[Dave Foley]

Right. Of course.

[Tom Segura]

And. And then I'm like. I'm like, this is crazy. And she's like, yeah, okay. She puts her car down, she gets a room, we start just like making out. And then eventually there's a knock on the door and it's her friend. I guess she had told her friend, like, she's kept kind of up to.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm in room five 18.

[Tom Segura]

I'm in this room. I got a room. I'm with the guy. And her friend was like, huh. So her friend showed up and was like like, what's going on? And we were like. I was like, nothing. What are you doing here? And then she's like, she, you know,

[Dave Foley]

you start trying to make out with her.

[Tom Segura]

But the friend was like looking at me like, who are you?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And like, why, why is.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm Tom.

[Tom Segura]

I got. Why is my friend agreeing to this? And then the girl that I had met was like, he's a comedian. She was like, that's great.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Like, that's, that's, that's even worse for you.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, it was so much worse. She was like, cool. She basically was like, let me save my friend. And I was like, all right, it's great to meet you.

[Dave Foley]

That's it.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah. Nothing happened because the friend, the friend showed up to, like, basically that's a vibe.

[Dave Foley]

Ask her if you could stay in the room for the night.

[Tom Segura]

I think that she had texted her friend, like, I met someone. And just so you know, I met this hotel and that. Her friend was like, what the fuck? What the fuck? Yeah. Yeah.

[Dave Foley]

Damn.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, well, that was. That was my only like, road thing. I was in a relationship like the next year. I never, I never was like, on the road. Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Like out there, like the guy with the act to be like, what's up?

[Tom Segura]

Never, never.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You hanging out with the state. Where you going out and drinking with the staff or anything.

[Tom Segura]

You know, a little bit in the, in those days when you're. Because this thing is like, you don't realize how lonely you are and how depressed you can get. Like, you don't real. You know, I don't think you have like a four hours awareness of it that, like. Yeah, if you had asked me, I'd be like, I'm having a great time. Awesome.

[Dave Foley]

Yeah, yeah, it's cool. I got a tuna hoagie on the radiator back.

[Tom Segura]

I was just. I mean, there's things where. If you looked at the amount of porn, the weight that I gained in a year, probably, like.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And the lack of any socialization.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You're like, this is the formula for good, good living, man. It's that first year, probably gained 25 pounds on the road, which I was like, I don't know why these pants are tight. I don't get it. Like, I just was not putting it together. The drinking. I never was like a big. I mean, I definitely got drunk as a few times. Most of that would have been like Saturday night, like the weekend's ending and. And yeah, the Staff is like, come drink with us. So I did that in a few places where I ended up waking up being like, what the fuck? You know? But I. Those were early days.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I was not. Not as like a.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Are you eating it? The big thing for us for a while was like, we'll go to the show and then it's like, where can

[Tom Segura]

we go get a bite?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Like googling like late night burger.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And you just go.

[Dave Foley]

Just go roll and what was your green room move?

[Tom Segura]

My. So my quesadillas.

[Dave Foley]

Chicken fingers?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Oh my God. Whatever you've got. I mean, I remember. I remember playing Hartford and they'd be like, if you're a feature, you can order from this side of the menu. It's crazy if you're a headline. And I was like, really? I just flew across the country.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I can't get the nachos.

[Tom Segura]

And they're like, nah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But I end up eating, of course, so much in green rooms. Steaks, burgers, fries. Sometimes I would do the chicken or the mozzarella sticks, but not, not all the time. Those just didn't feel like they boded well for performance.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You know those. You'd be like, oh, like the marinaras coming up.

[Dave Foley]

Not really performance fuel, huh?

[Tom Segura]

Not performance fuel. But my. My thing on the road, and I still love it to this day, was finding late night breakfast places. That was what I wanted. I wanted a diner. So every time I was in a city I'd be like, where can we

[Kevin James Ryan]

get 24 hour diner?

[Tom Segura]

Where can we get 24 hour downer? And I want to go like after the show. I also want know that I'm going to go to sleep around 3:30am like that's when I would go to sleep. And I'm going to wake up at noon or 1. So I want a place that serves breakfast at that time. After I goon I want to eat

[Kevin James Ryan]

and you go back to the same place if.

[Tom Segura]

If that's real. Yes.

[Dave Foley]

It's not a breakf breakfast.

[Tom Segura]

A lot of breakfast, dude. Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

What was. What was the 3 8? What was the after show order? You doing like an omelet or you

[Dave Foley]

and who are you with? You solo?

[Tom Segura]

No, I'd be like with. With the other comic.

[Dave Foley]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

It was like, you know, whoever you're paired. That was when you were paired up. There was no such thing as being brought along. You were not brought along. It was paired up. I was paired up with some lunatics, dude. But my go to breakfast thing is I would get like based like poached eggs, basically.

[Dave Foley]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then I would get the crispy hash browns. I would break those eggs over the hash brow. That was like my move.

[Dave Foley]

Really.

[Tom Segura]

And then crispy bacon, a biscuit, if they had that. And then that would be like, hey, man, that's. I walk today.

[Dave Foley]

Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Probably burn this off.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm so fat in my head, I was like, that's not that bad.

[Dave Foley]

That's very Asian of you, cracking the egg over top.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Dave Foley]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

The yolk soaks on the hash browns, bro.

[Dave Foley]

This is a good.

[Tom Segura]

That's is. That's the move for me. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. So I was eating like such a fat.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You're doing. You doing sodas at that point? Yeah, just like full, heavy bike Cokes.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, I'm drinking mostly diet Coke. Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Which gentleman?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I'm a gentleman.

[Dave Foley]

How are we with the packing, with the underwear, with the showering situation? Are we ever walking around a little. Little funky?

[Kevin James Ryan]

There's also no skipping that where you unpack your clothes and put them in the. You're living. Okay.

[Tom Segura]

No, I'm out of the suitcase. Okay. For sure.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You still do that out of the

[Tom Segura]

suitcase A lot of times, yeah. I have to be. The only time I unpack my stuff is if I know I'm going to be somewhere for an extended period.

[Kevin James Ryan]

At least a week at least.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dave Foley]

Gentleman's move.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I mean, most of the time, leave it in the suitcase and just live out of that. Especially like on tour now where you're somewhere for 24 hours. What, are you kidding me? Yeah. So to answer your question, I mean, I feel like there's probably some days where I should have showered and I assume in the.

[Dave Foley]

In the rut of this, you know, there's some, some. You know, you're letting some things go.

[Tom Segura]

You let some things go. Sure.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's a good way to put it.

[Tom Segura]

Underwear. I feel like I got the lesson early on that you always pack more underwear than there are days of your trip.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Double it.

[Tom Segura]

Right? So like four day trip. Yeah. Six, seven, eight underwear.

[Dave Foley]

I shoot under one day.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. One less.

[Dave Foley]

One day under. Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Guy lives on the edge, dude.

[Tom Segura]

My dad was a real savage. I didn't realize it until, like later in life where I was. I was like, how I see. I'm like, how old are these? He's like, they're still good. I'm like, there's holes.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It's discolored. He's like, well, you know, if you, if you see a little something, you just flip it inside out. You wear the other side.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Run it back.

[Tom Segura]

Wow. He's like, you just see a little sunset in your underwear. Okay. Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Street.

[Tom Segura]

Real crazy.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I've done that very recently.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I mean, you know what I mean?

[Tom Segura]

And I've seen. I've. I saw on him, like real brown shots. And I'm like, hey, that's you.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Your pants.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I'm like, that's. That's real bad. And he goes, it's just a little bit of like, that was it. It's just a little bit of.

[Dave Foley]

I don't wear underwear a lot when I wear jeans. And I've. I've seen that on the back of my jeans.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's crazy. Yeah, that's crazy.

[Tom Segura]

You know that I. My pants on season two of Bad Thoughts.

[Dave Foley]

Nice.

[Tom Segura]

And I didn't know what. This is crazy. Okay, so I'm wearing. I don't want to give away.

[Dave Foley]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

The character.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

I'm wearing a. I'm in a.

[Kevin James Ryan]

But he wasn't supposed to. His pants.

[Tom Segura]

No. And I have multiple layers on. Let's just say that. So I have like my underwear, like a bodysuit thing, another harness, pants. So you don't know. Like, it's. It's a lot going on.

[Kevin James Ryan]

A lot of thick padding.

[Tom Segura]

A lot of padding. I also have like crazy glove things. Like, just everything's uncomfortable. So this particular day on production, like, I'm tired as fuck. You're working, you know, 14, 16 hour days, five days a week. I'm just to keep going. I'm like, I don't do this in my regular life, but in production I'm like, yeah, give me. Give me like something to go. So I took Adderall.

[Dave Foley]

No shit?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And I'm not. I'm not used to it. So I took a low dose, but I'm like, all right, well, this one day when we're doing this, I love

[Kevin James Ryan]

how you're like, I'll do drugs for work.

[Dave Foley]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I'm like, I take the Adderall in the morning, in the afternoon, somebody comes up to me and they go, hey, here's a different thing. It's also like a stimulant. It's not Adderall, but it's like, it's a little milder, but the way it works is different. And I go, okay. So I take it Vyvanse. It's not Vyvanse, because those are my favorite. And I know what those are.

[Dave Foley]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

But the person.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's what happened to Michael Jackson.

[Tom Segura]

And I'm like, man. And like, almost immediately, I'm like, I could feel. It's not that I feel it in my head. I feel my stomach is, like, gurgling. And then I tell that person, I'm like, man, my stomach. And they're like, did you just take that? And I go, yeah, you just gave it to me. And they're like, oh, you shouldn't take it if you've already taken the other one. I was like, man. They're like, yes, you just take those separately. I'm like, great.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Well, why'd I give it? Thanks.

[Tom Segura]

So I take it, and now I'm in a house shooting this thing. And I'm like, man, my stomach is all costumed up. All costumed up. I'm like, my stomach's really. I go, I need to fart. Like, I could feel, like, gas bubbles in my stomach. So at one point, we have a little, you know, new setup. Like, you have, like, 10 minutes. I just go outside. I'm standing on a street, and I rip a massive fart. And I'm like, that's fucking.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's gnarly.

[Tom Segura]

That's gnarly.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You can smell through all those layers.

[Tom Segura]

I don't.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Why.

[Tom Segura]

I don't smell it.

[Dave Foley]

Is this on a hot mic?

[Tom Segura]

You feel it? I feel it. I feel it. And I do. I have to be. I do go, huh, there's something.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You're a smart guy. You know what I mean? You're not. You're not an idiot.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I'm like, did something come out of there?

[Dave Foley]

Yeah, there's nothing worse. One of those.

[Tom Segura]

And then I started. I go, it's gonna take me forever to find out, like, to get all this stuff off. And we have another setup. I go, I didn't. That was just, like, a lot of gas.

[Dave Foley]

And about 10 people are gonna have to be involved in that. They'll be asking questions of, yeah, why, what's going on? Just gotta make a call.

[Tom Segura]

So I just work the rest of the day. Dude, that. That fart's probably at, like, the rest of the day. The rest of the day.

[Dave Foley]

So jacked up on zvam.

[Tom Segura]

I'm just like, I'm. I'm going, and. And there is no smell. No one smell. I don't smell anything. No one says anything. I. I have no question about star the show.

[Kevin James Ryan]

They're not going to go, hey, Tom, did you smell it?

[Tom Segura]

But, I mean, I would be like, I know something's up.

[Dave Foley]

So they're all 20ft away from you.

[Tom Segura]

So I forget about that fart And I. I don't have a sensation. At the end of the day, I go back to the trailer and costume starts department starts helping me change because I have to get this stuff off my hands. And they help get the pants and the bodysuit. Still nothing. Nothing. And then I go, I'm gonna change into my comfort. They have the comfort clothes for, like, hair and makeup. And then, you know, go home after I change again. So I take everything off. I put on my underwear.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You still don't know at this time?

[Tom Segura]

I still don't know.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Did someone else tell you you shit your pants?

[Tom Segura]

No. I put on my underwear. I put on the comfort sweats. I go to the makeup trailer, they take up all the makeup. I come back, I take off the comfort sweats, put on my pants, my shirt, and go home. I go all the way home. It's like a 45 minute drive. I get home, and a lot of days on set, you're like, you get home, let's say, if it's a hot day, you're like, I'm getting right in the shower.

[Dave Foley]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

On this particular day, I'm like, man, I'm not. I'm not, like, sweaty. I'm exhausted. I'm just gonna get in bed. Dude, just knock it back.

[Kevin James Ryan]

This is something Bert would do.

[Dave Foley]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I take off my stuff. I'm just in my boxers now. And as I get in the bed, I get in. I side. I get in, like, sideways, like, I. I crawl in on my side. And I take. Because I'm so tired. I'm like, I just wanna. And I take the sheet up like this. And as I pull the sheet up, like, the air comes up and I go, oh, my God, is there a

[Kevin James Ryan]

homeless man in here?

[Tom Segura]

And I jump out of bed. I jump and I go. I don't even, like, check. I just freeze. And I go, that's the fart.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's the fart.

[Dave Foley]

I shit my pants.

[Tom Segura]

And I. I mean, I'm like, no. So I. I don't.

[Kevin James Ryan]

How many hours?

[Dave Foley]

I mean, we're 18 hours away from the initial fart, right?

[Tom Segura]

No, but we're probably more than five. Yeah. More than five hours.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's crazy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, we're probably like seven or eight hours.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's insane.

[Tom Segura]

I just walk straight into the bathroom, right? I just. I walk straight into the bathroom, I sit down and I'm like, all right, let's put some toilet paper back here and see what. What's back there.

[Dave Foley]

Five hours. So this was a zombie virus. It would be spreading around.

[Tom Segura]

I Take the paper. I go like this. It's just a wall of. It's so much, dude. It's just so much. And it's just been sitting. It's been sitting there for like eight hours.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Is it hardened? Like, it's.

[Dave Foley]

It's.

[Tom Segura]

It's drier.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's dry.

[Tom Segura]

It's dry. It's like dry. And I'm like, holy. And I take. I mean, obviously, like, I just want to get like the cake that off of me. Like the icing. And I just. I throw, you know, I wipe clean. And then I go, well, obviously straight in the shower. And then I go, did. Did they know? Like, did. Did. Yeah. Did the costume department know? So I'm sweating it all weekend. All weekend. I'm like, I'm mortified that I was like, that they thought I was like, here's some. And I just like, throw it away.

[Kevin James Ryan]

My pants. Someone deal with this.

[Tom Segura]

You clean it.

[Dave Foley]

Where's my Ferrari?

[Tom Segura]

So I see the costume people and I'm like, they go, what? I go, did I? And they're like, what? They're like, did I? Did you see this shit? And they're like, what shit? And I go, Friday, they think you're losing your mind. And the lady's like, what are you talking about? I go. And I just tell her the story. I go, I shit my pants. And I didn't even know until I got home. And all weekend I've been thinking that you had to deal with like shit filled clothes and that I just walked away. And she was like, no. She goes, I promise you. I was like, oh, my God, I'm just so relieved that that didn't happen. Fast forward a few weeks later, we're wrapping the show, and a different person in the costume department just says something to me. Like, she goes, you know something? You always smell amazing. And I go, what? She goes, you always smell amazing. We were just saying that you, like, I don't know if it's like cologne or. You smell great. And I jokingly go, well, except for the day I shit myself. And she goes like that. And I go, wait, whoa. So you do know. And she was like, well, yeah. And I go, well, how much was there? And she goes, just a little bit. And I go, where was it?

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm gonna die. This is the.

[Tom Segura]

She was horrible. It was in your comfort sweats. So when I. It wasn't in my concert. It transferred with your comfort when I sat in the makeup trailer. Squishing it in, squishing it in. And here's the Thing the one didn't know. She goes, I went in there and picked it up and I saw.

[Kevin James Ryan]

She jumped on the grenade, didn't say anything.

[Tom Segura]

She goes, I saw a little bit of shit and I put it in a bag.

[Dave Foley]

So when you. When you did get out of your comfort sweats, the makeup, you just left it on the floor in your trailer?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dave Foley]

You gotta fold that up. You're gonna put that aside something.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, I just. I just dropped it. I just dropped it. I didn't. I wasn't thinking.

[Dave Foley]

So it was dropped. Like, is it. You stepped out of it?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, probably as if I stepped.

[Dave Foley]

So if you. You would be able to see the.

[Tom Segura]

The streak if I had looked. I didn't look. I just literally took them.

[Dave Foley]

But if you're walking in to pick it up.

[Tom Segura]

Well, she said. She goes, it was just like a little bit.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I think she's lying.

[Tom Segura]

No, because. Because I had my boxers on. So what makes sense, right? A little bit had been in there. I sat down and then the was just like a little bit in those sweats. But, man, I've never sat with in between my ass for eight hours.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's. That just gave me cold sweat.

[Tom Segura]

It was really homeless feeling, you know?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dave Foley]

It's even scarier is that you didn't know.

[Tom Segura]

I didn't know, man. Or I think the truth is that I kind of knew and I just was like, that's not real.

[Dave Foley]

Wow.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You know, so we are so the opposite. I don't trust.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Fart ever.

[Tom Segura]

You don't trust.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'm. I think I've myself four times.

[Tom Segura]

A wet one would have been different, though.

[Dave Foley]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

You know what I mean? When you're like. Oh. Like when you're like. The thing about this mystery fart was that the fact that I. I didn't have liquid shit. I took like a real shit.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I actually.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You shit. It wasn't like an accident.

[Tom Segura]

I farted a little bit of like a log of shit out and then it was like, well, that's fine. Yeah, man. Is that trashy?

[Dave Foley]

Yeah, yeah, that's pretty trashy. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that.

[Dave Foley]

It's good to know that. No, no matter. You know, what you got going on

[Kevin James Ryan]

now, you'll still shoot yourself.

[Tom Segura]

You got that still myself and TV show.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Not your TV show.

[Dave Foley]

The person that you were in the early 2000s, you still are.

[Tom Segura]

I really am.

[Dave Foley]

You are trash.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, the only thing that I was thinking of, you know, the craziest thing that I think about from those. Those early touring days Honestly, one of them is just how lethargic I was. Like, the fact that I snorlax would, like, really go to bed most of the time after 3am and most of the time wake up at least at noon, and you're like. And I would wake up like, you know, like, God, like, I just need to eat something.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And we just go to like. It's a cycle.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that cycle.

[Kevin James Ryan]

The last thing you do before you go to bed is eat. And then you sleep for eight hours and you wake up and you go, I gotta get something. It's like, that's when I'm at my worst.

[Tom Segura]

And then I would just, like, go outside just for some air. And then, dude, one time I was thinking about, like, how they used to pair you up with people. I got paired up one time as

[Kevin James Ryan]

a feature or headliner.

[Tom Segura]

I'm a headliner, sure, but I'm an early headliner. One time I get paired up with my feature act is 600 pounds, six bills. And the one of the first, like, I see him, obviously you see someone.

[Dave Foley]

You're like, good eating this weekend.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And he walks in, he's like, is there one bathroom here?

[Dave Foley]

Oh.

[Tom Segura]

And I go, yeah. He goes, great. And then he just kind of walks in his room, shuts the door. And I was like, this would be a cool weekend. He would. And it would come through the walls. The scent would come through the walls.

[Kevin James Ryan]

So what kind of life are you living when you're like, first place, you get somewhere and go, how many bathrooms? We were. How many guys is gonna be an issue? How many we got?

[Tom Segura]

And I remember one time I was like. Like, I was like, hey, man, you want to get something to eat? I'm like, this should be a yes, right? He's like, yeah. I was like, all right. For him to go from bed to just get up and, like, for us to walk out. 45 minutes. Yeah, right.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Was he funny?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he was funny.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then we went out to eat this. The power of the. I always think about, like, how we can all be delusional. We sat down, we're eating somewhere. He goes, you seen John Panett lately? Guy's getting big. You better watch it. I was like. I go, yeah. He goes, gotta watch it, man.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. Meanwhile, John. But that's probably like, 4:15.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dave Foley]

I was like, all the 12 egg omelette Western.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, dude, it was crazy. Another time, I got paired up with a guy who was a legit hardcore alcoholic who was like, just down and, I mean, just downing these. I think it was rum and cokes. Just. I mean, it would start. It was during the day. During the day.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That's crazy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, we'd be like, at the condo, he'd be like, just knocking him back. And we get back one night from. It was a two show night, so either Friday or Saturday, it was late. And I'm sitting here looking at the tv and he's over there and we're watching some like, Cops or something, you know, like just watching it. It's such a roast. Watch this guy get his head cracked. And then he's like, you've seen that Paris Hilton video? And I'm like, what? He's like, that Paris Hilton video. Seen that video? I'm like, her sex tape? He's like, yeah. I'm like, yes. Yeah. It was like old at that point even. I go, yeah. He goes, that guy's got a nice on him, huh? And I go, what, that was your

[Kevin James Ryan]

takeaway from the film?

[Tom Segura]

He goes, I'm saying, I bet that guy didn't mind that getting out there, you know? And I go, yeah. He goes, yeah, I wouldn't mind. And I was like, ah, dude. And. And then he's just like, I'm. I'm open to anything, you know? And I was like, that's awesome. And we're just sitting there and he's just keeps. I'm hoping anything insinuating I myself, dude, I'm sorry. He's like, I'll. I'll. Guys, I'll. Girls. This is out of nowhere. This is after we had done, like shows and lunches together about whatever. And I'm like, cool. And he's hammered. He's hammered. And I'm like. So I go in my head, I go, don't overreact right now. Like, don't react big and don't get up right now. Just like, wait, wait.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Sit in it.

[Tom Segura]

Just sit. So I just sit and I just watch for like, I don't know, five, ten minutes. Then I'm like, all right. I'm like, all right, man, I'm gonna go to bed. He was like, all right, man. Now he's going, my room. And I'm like, fuck, you could sleep, could you? No, I moved the dresser in front of my door and it takes me like 15 minutes.

[Kevin James Ryan]

He hears you rearrange, pushing this thing

[Tom Segura]

in front of the door.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I'd be petrified.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he was a skinny dude, older guy, and, yeah, total booze bag. And he was just like, you like big dicks.

[Dave Foley]

What?

[Tom Segura]

What? Dude, you're starting with that.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Who was the first person you started taking out when you could take someone? Was that theaters then?

[Tom Segura]

I'm trying to think who I could.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Potter was an early one.

[Tom Segura]

No, he was pretty early. Potter was early. I brought, like. I'm trying to think who I've done weekends with for years. Potter Sickler, you've had him on, right?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah, he's a. He's family at this point.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah. Potter, Sickler, Jeff Tate, him and I have worked together for a long time. I mean, those were, like, the inner circle of, like, close friends. Sure. Yeah.

[Dave Foley]

That's got to be a game changer when you get control of that.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God. Because you realize that it's. The show is one thing. Obviously, the show is important, but it's not all those hours that you're not doing the show, man.

[Kevin James Ryan]

The show's. The show's 90 minutes long.

[Tom Segura]

That's it. And you're like, yeah, but we got to fly. We got to eat. We got. Got to travel. We got, like, all this time. We got to hang out. It's like, I want to hang out with my friends.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So hanging out with those guys is definitely the best.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. That's like. That's why we do that. It's like, yeah, it's just. But it's everything.

[Tom Segura]

Everything. Having your friends with you is everything.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You hear that, big guy?

[Dave Foley]

I hear that, buddy.

[Tom Segura]

It's the best.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I've had people, too, sometimes, you know? I'm sure you've had people. They go, like, how about. I bet you have me open up like some guy you've never met. Sure. And you're like, like, oh, like, I appreciate you.

[Dave Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

We.

[Tom Segura]

You're hustling. But, like, I have someone. They're like, so you're just not gonna give someone a shot? And you're like, well, no, I.

[Kevin James Ryan]

It's also like, I'm doing the United Center. I can't really. I can't really. I can't really take a risk here.

[Tom Segura]

I've never seen you. I don't know you. And they're like, so you're not gonna help somebody out? Like, we get to.

[Dave Foley]

We get the passive. If you ever need anybody for the show.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dave Foley]

Oh, thanks. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. If you need someone.

[Dave Foley]

Yeah, yeah, someone.

[Kevin James Ryan]

But, like, that is, like, the thing, too, of, like, the. You know, it's a very. Shoot your shot.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I respect the.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Everybody's got to shoot. It's like, it said, everybody's. You're a DM away. So everybody goes, hey, can I. And like, you know, we've gotten people on the show by going, hey, do you want to come do the show?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You know, and it's like, so it's like, you gotta, you gotta. I respect it. It's part of the game.

[Tom Segura]

But I totally do, too. I just feel like with. When it comes to opening, you go, yeah, but I, like, I'm bringing someone. Yeah. You know, you're like, so what, Throw me up? No.

[Dave Foley]

Stop being a dickhead.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Why are you being a dick?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Let me get five.

[Dave Foley]

I love it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah. That's great. But I mean. Yeah, I mean, you're still stone cold garbage.

[Dave Foley]

Stone cold garbage.

[Tom Segura]

Nice.

[Kevin James Ryan]

That version of you was like, you just yourself. What are we talking about?

[Dave Foley]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Trash. Yeah. I mean, those were. I mean, I was. Dude, I think about the. Also, we forgot that I. In that period, too. I started smoking at 30.

[Dave Foley]

That's right, at 30.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Wait, at that age.

[Tom Segura]

So I still. I smoked from 25.

[Dave Foley]

Sorry.

[Tom Segura]

I started smoking at 25, which is insane. I smoke from 25 to 30, which is in those rough years. Right. So I'm like, I'm getting fatter, I'm sleeping in a lot. I'm jerking off a lot. And I'm like, I should start smoking. So I start smoking, I smoke from 25 to 30, I stop at 30, and I pick it up again 10 years later. And I smoke for like two or three years. I quit that. Yeah.

[Dave Foley]

You know what I was thinking is, like, how. How good you eat now, how much you work out. Like, how good you probably feel.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dave Foley]

What if one of those mornings of like, like one of the nights that you were up until three, you had the eggs, you're overweight, you're lethargic, you're smoking weed.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dave Foley]

You wake up in the morning and you fee. And you're this guy. Think of what that difference would be.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, I feel like I would have been.

[Dave Foley]

You feel like a superhuman.

[Tom Segura]

So much more productive. No, it's happier.

[Dave Foley]

But I'm just saying, the juxtaposition.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dave Foley]

Oh, it's going to bed, feeling like that and waking up like, what the.

[Tom Segura]

I came here from the gym, you know, like, I, I, I quit bragging, Tom. No, I'm saying, like, I feel, of course, so much better.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Well, that's what we had. We had Rob low on, and we were, like, talking to him. He was, like, talking about, he wakes up with, like, the sun and the circadian rhythm, and he's, like, in tune and just, like, how good he feels. He's so good. Like, Everything. And I'm like, oh, man. If he woke up and felt like I did in the morning, he would check himself into a hospital. He'd have to be like, my organs are shutting down.

[Tom Segura]

Well, when I think about how I actually just used to feel like in those times, it is like, man, it's a show. I would feel like. Like I said, barely awake, like, really dragging. I was always like, that was the thing. It's like, when you're 30, you shouldn't be like, man, I'm so, so tired at 3pm yeah, I'm like, I was tired all the time.

[Dave Foley]

Exhausted.

[Tom Segura]

I diarrhea every day.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Amen, brother.

[Tom Segura]

And you're like, dude, like, I. I don't feel good. I feel bad.

[Kevin James Ryan]

I've, like, the worst I've ever felt. Like, you catches up with. You're on the road. You're outside, like a. In Hampton Inn or whatever, and you like, just 8,7000 calories of whatever. You're hungover or whatever. And you're like, I'm smoking a Sig, already feeling bad. And I'm just like. I can feel the Sig just, like, lowering my health bar. I'm like a video game. And I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna go shut it down till showtime. I'll see you in a green room.

[Tom Segura]

And then you're like, I don't know what it is, man. But, like, I gotta feel like I gotta change. Subtle.

[Kevin James Ryan]

A little sluggish.

[Dave Foley]

I've done the. I don't know what it is to such a degree.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dave Foley]

I just can't figure it out.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know what it is. Figure it out. I had the tour. I had a tour manager once who got his stomach got upset when we were in Europe. He was like, I think it was that thing I ate. And I was like, well, you know, just take it easy. Obviously, these next couple days, like, we're on the road, we're in Europe, so we're doing, like, Greece, and we're in Athens. And I come to. He's been in the venue all day. And I'm like, how you doing? He's like, I mean, still not. It's not great. Then I walk by his room at the production office, and I see an open pizza box, like a salad, but there's just little remnants of the feta cheese. And then I'm like, and. Oh, and the basket. A basket of fries.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I'm like, what's that? He's like, it's just what I ate today. I was like, I Thought, you don't feel good? He's like, I don't. And he's like, camera. I've just. I just had some lunch and I still don't feel good. And I'm like, some lunch, okay. And so then we have dinner. And he's like, yeah, I got another one of those salads, but I only ate the cheese off the top. I go, as your stomach's upset. And he's like, yeah. And then they delivered baklava. You know, the baklava. But the pieces of baklava were like this. He's like, I'm just going to have one and that's it.

[Kevin James Ryan]

And a cap myself.

[Tom Segura]

And the next morning he goes, if I don't feel better today, I'm going to go see a doctor. And I go, it might be what I've seen you eat.

[Dave Foley]

Fries.

[Tom Segura]

And he's like, I don't know, man. I don't think it's that. I'm going to get some pancakes and I'm going to fucking see if it solves all this. And I was like, okay. But it's like chocolate milk or anything of the mind to just go like, it's not. It's not that. It's not the fries and it's not the pizza. It's something else.

[Dave Foley]

I'm gonna get some pancakes if this all settles down.

[Tom Segura]

See if this settles down.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Dude. I've been sitting there at one point smoking a cigarette outside and like, looking at my phone be like, I think I should. I should switch to aluminum free deodorant. Yeah. I mean, like, that deodorant's gonna be causing cancer.

[Tom Segura]

Of course.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Dave Foley]

Jesus. Well, Mr. Tom Segura. Still trash.

[Kevin James Ryan]

We love you, bud.

[Dave Foley]

To the core. Thank God you got season two of Bad Thoughts coming out.

[Tom Segura]

Yes. Comes out. Hopefully the movie El Tigre will come out later this year.

[Dave Foley]

Nice.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And then I gotta figure out a new hour. I'm back to that again.

[Dave Foley]

There you go.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know, how do you do it again?

[Dave Foley]

Like, how do you start asking the wrong guys?

[Kevin James Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I forget how you start.

[Kevin James Ryan]

You know when you're like, are you gonna. Are you gonna go back to. What are you going to do? Are you going to do clubs at all or. Yeah, just go back and do like weekends.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, for sure. There you go. Try to figure it out.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Let's find a place. Find a place that serves breakfast all day long. Fuck up, go get some pancakes.

[Tom Segura]

Goon. And then fucking let it rip, dude. Yeah. Thank you guys.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Appreciate.

[Dave Foley]

Buddy, we love you. We love you, gang.

[Tom Segura]

We love you.

[Dave Foley]

We'll see you next week.

[Kevin James Ryan]

Peace.