Trashy Cars Edition w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Summary

Podcast Title: Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Episode: Trashy Cars Edition
Hosts: Kevin Ryan & H. Foley
Release Date: June 30, 2025

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Introduction to the Trashy Cars Theme

In the Trashy Cars Edition of Are You Garbage?, comedians Kevin Ryan and H. Foley dive deep into the world of less-than-stellar automobiles. Embracing the show's signature comedic flair, the hosts share personal stories, listener submissions, and humorous insights into what makes a car "garbage" in the eyes of the podcast duo.

Personal Anecdotes and Host Experiences

Lease Troubles and Car Maintenance:
H. Foley kicks off the discussion by lamenting the woes of his current car lease. He vents about his vehicle's malfunctioning fuel pump and unreliable dashboard, likening his car troubles to a "Russian space shuttle" (04:21). Kevin responds with relatable frustration, comparing the situation to a scene from Apollo 13 where intricate problem-solving is needed just to keep the car running smoothly (04:34).

Generational Car Stories:
The hosts reminisce about their parents' car choices, highlighting the contrast between older, more durable vehicles and their own experiences with less reliable models. Kevin recalls his grandfather's plush office setup, humorously noting, "He’s got a mahogany desk that's nicer than any desk" (03:07), while H. Foley shares stories of his family's Jeep obsession, tracing it back to the days of owning JNCO Jeans—another nod to their "garbage" theme (04:47).

First Car Fiascos:
Kevin narrates his first car purchase—a maroon Plymouth Voyager dubbed "Woody"—which ended disastrously during a divorce, emphasizing the impracticality of such a vehicle for splitting assets (12:22). H. Foley contrasts this with his experiences of cleaning up after impressive Pontiac models, sharing a tale of a subwoofer that wreaked havoc in the family car (21:16).

Listener Submissions: Tales of Trashy Cars

The heart of the episode lies in the myriad of listener-submitted stories about their own "garbage" cars. Each submission is met with the hosts' trademark humor and skepticism.

Xavier's Subwoofer Saga:
One listener, Xavier, shares his childhood memory of his dad installing a massive subwoofer in a 1998 Ford Windstar. Kevin humorously questions the practicality, asking, "That's a van?" (19:32), while H. Foley critiques the aesthetic choice, highlighting the clash between functionality and style.

Charlie Brown's Crash Course:
Charlie Brown recounts a reckless teenage incident where he, at age 12, bought a car without a driver's seat and ended up causing it to catch fire on the highway. The hosts react in disbelief, with H. Foley exclaiming, "That's nuts. 12 driving" (26:52), underscoring the absurdity of youthful car adventures.

Blake Dots' Damage Control:
Blake describes his first car experience involving a vandalized vehicle gifted by his grandfather. H. Foley jests about the situation, saying, "He’s a dirty little boy, huh?" (45:22), while Kevin shakes his head at the senseless destruction, highlighting the episodic nature of car-related mishaps.

Beast Middy's Pontiac Predicament:
Beast Middy shares a story about inheriting a 1993 Pontiac Bonneville that fell apart after his grandfather's demise. The hosts poke fun at the car's dilapidated state, with Kevin likening it to "driving a cruise ship" due to its cumbersome size and faulty mechanics (47:08).

Humorous Insights and Car Culture Commentary

Leasing vs. Buying:
A significant portion of the discussion revolves around the merits and pitfalls of leasing versus buying cars. Kevin advocates for purchasing used cars, emphasizing practicality over appearance, while H. Foley expresses frustration with pushy sales tactics, declaring, "He's making it sound like he's doing me a favor" (08:24).

Nostalgia Meets Reality:
The hosts blend nostalgic memories with harsh realities of car ownership. From reminiscing about the golden days of Mustangs and Chevy Suburbans to the challenges of maintaining older models, Kevin and H. Foley paint a vivid picture of how cars serve as markers of personal and familial narratives.

Humorous Banter on Car Fixes:
Kevin and H. Foley engage in witty exchanges about car maintenance, such as Kevin’s struggle with losing license plates and the resulting insurance complications (36:33). Their lighthearted banter underscores the often comedic frustrations that come with keeping a "garbage" car afloat.

Conclusion and Wrap-Up

As the episode draws to a close, Kevin and H. Foley reflect on the chaotic yet entertaining journey through the world of trashy cars. Their shared stories and listener submissions not only entertain but also highlight the universal challenges of car ownership. The hosts reaffirm their commitment to uncovering the "garbage" in everyone’s favorite vehicles, promising more laughs and relatable content in future episodes.

Notable Quotes:

• H. Foley (04:21): "It's like a Russian space shuttle."
• Kevin Ryan (03:07): "He’s got a mahogany desk that's nicer than any desk."
• H. Foley (45:22): "He’s a dirty little boy, huh?"
• Kevin Ryan (47:08): "Driving a cruise ship."

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For those who haven't tuned in, this episode offers a humorous yet heartfelt exploration of the automotive misadventures that many can relate to, all wrapped in the irreverent charm that defines Are You Garbage?.

Transcript

[H. Foley]

Merch alert. Merch alert. Merch alert. Look out. Just in time for summer. Well, almost halfway through. Either way, we got some hot new teas coming at you, gang. You got Kippy's, King of the Birds.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, handyman services.

[H. Foley]

Look at that.

[Kevin Ryan]

We got Aunt Tooty's. Department of sanitation. Get involved. Join a union.

[H. Foley]

Let's go.

[Kevin Ryan]

And then Uncle Hank's Hot Dog.

[H. Foley]

Near and dear to my heart. Uncle Hank's Hot Dogs. Grab a little hot kids.

[Kevin Ryan]

And then the garbage university boom. Established 20 when we started the show. Available at all yougarbage.com Limited supplies. Get a Wade list. We love yous.

[H. Foley]

Love yas. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are you Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R U Garbage.

[Kevin Ryan]

Amen.

[H. Foley]

It's that little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that if they grew up to be classy. Yeah, just a big old piece of trash. Garbage, I'm your host Stage Foley coming at you on a beautiful summer day. We're out back here at Tootie's in the new edition. She's in the backyard running through the sprinkler.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay, Topless cooling jugs out.

[H. Foley]

Mike Coase is coming at you from across the table. He is the CEO of RU Garbage. He is an international businessman and thank God, my best pal in the whole wide world, and I love him. Give it up for KJ Kevin James Ryan, everybody.

[Kevin Ryan]

What up, gang? Shout out to you as always. Thanks for tuning in. Please make sure you rate View subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Also full video available over there on Spotify. Nice little platform they got where the boys are. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Cooking in the charts. Yes, we're doing well over there. Just got the reports. Everything is going well. Also because I got baby on the brain. Dude, I am mush mouth over here. Go to the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com. are you garbage? You go over there, you get all that bonus content. Plus, the back on the block door is coming up and tickets are moving. Second show added in San Francisco. Low tickets in Boston. I don't think we're adding second shows in a lot of these places due to the riding. So get your tickets all day, Lays.

[H. Foley]

Yes, sir. And, gang, we're here for what we call a family episode. Just the boys, the bozos and the homies. But before we get to that, let's stop by the old corner office over there and say hey to our good pal, Mr. Luke Dempsey.

[Kevin Ryan]

Luke Dempsey. How you guys doing? Just happy to be here.

[H. Foley]

There he is.

[Kevin Ryan]

Look at him. He's got a nice little corner over.

[H. Foley]

There all set up. Little Nepo baby in the corner there. He's keeping one eye on the Asian markets and one eye on the podcast. What's Bitcoin at right now?

[Kevin Ryan]

Now, if I'm not wrong, is that you and JFK I see in the back? That's actually my grandfather.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

This guy's doing well.

[H. Foley]

The Dempsey Group. Look at you, doing well for yourself.

[Kevin Ryan]

This guy does all. I don't. Listen, all jokes aside, Luke's got a corner now, and I didn't say that. Looks expensive. We got custom Dempsey Group signs made. How much does this cost to me?

[H. Foley]

Can't see the desk. It's crazy.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's got a mahogany desk that's nicer than any desk.

[H. Foley]

That's like a banker's desk, like San Adams over there.

[Kevin Ryan]

I love how we spend 800 bucks on something that's not on camera. Him and Ryan. We get Ryan. Ryan's got a credit card, and that's bad news.

[H. Foley]

Luke lives a charmed life.

[Kevin Ryan]

Kid does all right. Group moves, steps into Dog our horse, steps in his shit.

[H. Foley]

This kid born rich, going to be.

[Kevin Ryan]

Rich, going to die rich. My kids are going to be rich.

[H. Foley]

But that's neither here nor there, gang. We're here for a nice theme episode. Fun time today.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes.

[H. Foley]

Talking about cars.

[Kevin Ryan]

You don't say.

[H. Foley]

Trashy cars.

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, this all. Yes. This all stemmed because someone at the table, you know, is in the market for a car. I hear that's true. This is very much. This is a very H4, you know, this is a toe into Foleyville. I don't know what to do. I'm thinking Rolls Royce. I'm saying, you try to be a man of the.

[H. Foley]

I mentioned an Audi.

[Kevin Ryan]

I know. I'm kidding.

[H. Foley]

By the way, I should tell you, I got about five days before the lease is up, and I got to turn this car in, so I got to make a move, and the guy says he's going on vacation. I think they're screwing me, trying to get me in another lease.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[H. Foley]

Jamming me up. You want me to buy?

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't want. Listen. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[H. Foley]

He wants me.

[Kevin Ryan]

Make good money on his side. You're a hack. Listen, don't. You always say do. I'm to say this. I'm not saying this. I'm saying look at things a little differently. It is very you to go. I want something nicer than what you currently have.

[H. Foley]

I don't.

[Kevin Ryan]

Except shirts. For some reason, you haven't done that about clothes. But with everything else.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, I gotta make.

[Kevin Ryan]

You've been a Jeep man since Jeep.

[H. Foley]

Man all the way through. We were Maximiz in the 90s when they were hot.

[Kevin Ryan]

Your mom was a Maxim.

[H. Foley]

Her and Jennifer Love Hewitt.

[Kevin Ryan]

Man. It hit me one day. I guess I don't find out what year. What was she in? Buffy? No, that was Sarah Michelle.

[H. Foley]

She was a party of five.

[Kevin Ryan]

Find out what year party of five was.

[H. Foley]

Late 90s.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. I guess I wasn't maybe fully sexually turned on. Like my. You know. And then I. And I guess I just missed her.

[H. Foley]

It was all goldfish and dinner rolls.

[Kevin Ryan]

Amen. But I saw a picture of her one time when I was in something when I was like, 15. And I went, who? The most beautiful girl in the whole wide world. Beautiful cannons. 1994. Yeah, 94. I was eight.

[H. Foley]

Way to keep it classy. I mean, I'm talking Jennifer Connelly, too, man.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, I was old. Just. I was like, younger. She was old. It didn't. I was into the teeny boppers. But this is. I mean, this is getting sultry real quick.

[H. Foley]

Her and Bea Arthur.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. No, B. Arthur.

[H. Foley]

Golden Girls.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

I always had a thing for her guys.

[Kevin Ryan]

Graduated together, didn't you?

[H. Foley]

Anyway, that's neither here nor there. We're talking about cars. Talking about vehicles.

[Kevin Ryan]

Trashy, trashy vehicles.

[H. Foley]

And I've had a lot of them.

[Kevin Ryan]

Huh.

[H. Foley]

All right, so if I want to get a Jeep, I should be able to get a Jeep.

[Kevin Ryan]

No one's saying you can't get a Jeep.

[H. Foley]

My mom wants me to buy the lease that I have now.

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, that's not a bad idea.

[H. Foley]

The fucking fuel pump went at 15,000 miles and the dash don't work.

[Kevin Ryan]

What do you mean, the dash don't work?

[H. Foley]

It fritzes out. It's like a Russian space shuttle. Fucking. Get me up there. Fucking.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's like the guys in Apollo 13. There's a bunch of guys in a room, they dump out stuff in a box. We need to fit this into this, with this material.

[H. Foley]

Man. I keep catching Armageddon, like, the last 45 minutes. Like the past week. Every day I've been catching it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Man, that busy week, you just. You're just yelling at me. You don't know what I did all week. Caught Armageddon.

[H. Foley]

Four times passive viewing. It's on. It's on in the gym.

[Kevin Ryan]

Is how you call your kitchen. Listen, why don't you. So you don't want to buy that. Well, I don't. Listen, I'm not. We were never lease people. We were buy used car people. That's who we are. My mom didn't have a new car until. I mean, this show was probably on the air when she got her first new.

[H. Foley]

Always lease people. And I know it's not the right way to go.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't know. I mean. Luke, get some. I'm sure we've done this. But what is better to lease or to buy? I think it depends. I think it's all use. It's probably, you know, how many miles you plan on putting it on if.

[H. Foley]

You'Re a dirt bag or not.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, I don't think so. Cuz I think if you're like a sales guy where you like, you know, like Phil X, he's in the car all the time doing sales. So it's like, yeah, I'm not buying a car to beat the shit of. I'll buy a car. Beat the shit. I'll lease a car, put on the miles and turn it in.

[H. Foley]

Can I say this? You know what sucks? One thing about the time that we live in.

[Kevin Ryan]

What?

[H. Foley]

As. As we're adult men now. You know what I mean?

[Kevin Ryan]

My goddamn father.

[H. Foley]

Well, that's right, you are. Congratulations.

[Kevin Ryan]

Thank you.

[H. Foley]

You know, I was thinking the other.

[Kevin Ryan]

Day, and I got to think safety. I think safety when I think cars. I need Volvo. Volvo.

[H. Foley]

That's what you.

[Kevin Ryan]

That was. Volvo was such. Financially well. But conservative. Sound smart. I remember when I found out how much they were, and I'm like, you get a Mercedes for that price.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. But you get in them and they're very rigid.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't know if I've ever been in. My buddy's mom had. I remember my butt. Yeah. My buddy's mom had one hot. No.

[H. Foley]

Okay, fair enough.

[Kevin Ryan]

He was all right.

[H. Foley]

Fuck. What was I going to say? God damn it, Kevin.

[Kevin Ryan]

Buying the lease.

[H. Foley]

Buying the lease.

[Kevin Ryan]

They give you a price break if everything's broken on it.

[H. Foley]

No, this guy's banging me out and he's making it sound like that he's doing me a favor. He's like, hurry up with this. Because I'm doing some. I'm waving.

[Kevin Ryan]

I got Armageddon.

[H. Foley]

So I'm waving some refund or something. Something like that. Going on vacation.

[Kevin Ryan]

I get you with that. There's always.

[H. Foley]

But I got to pull in and pull out. No money down. He wanted to charge me 1500. I was like, spread that over to lease, buddy. Know what I'm talking about? Not going to giving you $1,500 of my mother's hard earned money.

[Kevin Ryan]

I had to do that with the key. I had to put down, I think like thousand or something.

[H. Foley]

Listen, it's a goddamn miracle that I didn't need my mother to fucking co. Sign the car. Let's start there.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, you walked in two days ago or something bragging like you just got a house. You got approved for a fucking jeep with a bad fuel pump and a harness. What are you talking about?

[H. Foley]

What I was gonna say is, huh? I wish that we lived in wish. I wish that we lived in the time where that our dads lived. My Uncle Mike, company car.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure. Every couple do that.

[H. Foley]

I don't think so.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, they're all. You get like we should do. We should all get the same car. They're all doing like black Ford Focuses or Ford Tauruses. That's what they do.

[H. Foley]

No Impalas. We should all get Impalas.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't think they're still making Impalas like that. I don't think so. I mean, they made them and then. Was your Uncle Mike had an Impala?

[H. Foley]

No, he had always got a nice new Cutlass with wire wheels. Smoked the hell out of that.

[Kevin Ryan]

The hell is he, a pimp? A Cutlass with 100 spokes. It's crazy, dude.

[H. Foley]

That was popular.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, is he tipping on faux fos?

[H. Foley]

We had wire wheels for a little while and a Pontiac. Wire wheels and white walls. I used to have to go out and scrub the white walls.

[Kevin Ryan]

What's the matter with the car?

[H. Foley]

My dad was racing for pink slips.

[Kevin Ryan]

My loom, my original loom had white hubcaps. 96 white Chevy Lumina. White hubcaps. Which, man, is a tough look when.

[H. Foley]

One of those goes.

[Kevin Ryan]

Dude, it was a what? It got so dirty. It was a white hubcap and then had what? Not a white wall, but a white. Thin. Not thin, but probably like a half an inch. Like a small white wall around the whole thing. And that got dirty. I'm not good with white stuff.

[H. Foley]

You gotta scrub them.

[Kevin Ryan]

I know. I'd go out there and scrub. But then you'd arm the tires. That would leak into the white. It was a whole.

[H. Foley]

We had a whole system in the 80s. My cousin Joe, my cousin Patrick, they always had, you know, cool cars. And it was always. They sent us.

[Kevin Ryan]

What do you mean cool cars?

[H. Foley]

You Know, they had, like, a nice Pontiac. One of them had a Trans Am. And when they'd babysit, the first thing we had to do was go out there, take a Brillo pad and clean. Do the white walls. Yeah, that's the first thing we did. Then they'd roll the keg in the back with all the boys, a couple of broads. We'd start serving beers. And then about 45 minutes into that, they'd make me and my brother fight with our shirts off in a circle in the living room.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's hot. These guys still banging.

[H. Foley]

It's a good time, man. First time I saw Delirious Eddie Murphy. And it's funny because I had like, 103.

[Kevin Ryan]

Is this the coolest party in the world? First time I got my first blow job. Dude.

[H. Foley]

Shout out to Coughlin High School was popping in the 80s.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah, that's quite the show. We were net. We were never a cool car family still, you know. Yeah, never. My dad had. We said my dad had Jeeps, but never. We just bought used cars. First car I remember was a Woody with red tint. I guess. Woody like a wood.

[H. Foley]

Mike love.

[Kevin Ryan]

Who's my glove? One of the Beach Boys, man.

[H. Foley]

You shout out to Brian Wilson.

[Kevin Ryan]

By the way, thanks for wearing the shirt and respect.

[H. Foley]

I was really sad when he died because I love him for everything that he went through. And then like, two days before he died, I didn't know he was sick. I was listening to God Only Knows. And there's one little part in the bridge in the beginning, and I was, like, trashing it in my head. And then he died, and I felt really bad because it is the most perfect song ever written.

[Kevin Ryan]

Great.

[H. Foley]

So Woody, huh?

[Kevin Ryan]

Jesus Christ.

[H. Foley]

What are you talking about? Woody? Station wagon.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, it was a van. The Plymouth Voyager. It was a maroon one with the wood, and I feel like it had.

[H. Foley]

A Korean dry cleaner.

[Kevin Ryan]

It was Denise's. I guess they were still together when she had that. But then that was. That was the car into the divorce, man. That's bad if you're splitting up to Woody.

[H. Foley]

Did they have to split that up?

[Kevin Ryan]

No. I don't know what my guess. My dad, probably. My dad had a Jeep. My whole. Just Jeeps.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, he just gave her the car.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

She kept that car to house and your ugly mug. He had a house at home.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure. But then it was that. Yeah, it was always just used cars.

[H. Foley]

That's trashy. Yeah, we tried to. You got to fake it till you make it a little bit. My dad would Drop a lease. Two seconds. If he didn't like it, he'd take it right back. He had a muff. He had a Mustang for a little while.

[Kevin Ryan]

He took it, huh? Until they took it.

[H. Foley]

No, okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

What the is wrong with you?

[H. Foley]

They did take it.

[Kevin Ryan]

No shit.

[H. Foley]

Widener University took it.

[Kevin Ryan]

The saddest day of his life, Widener took it.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, because he had to sell it to pay my tuition.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

He always wanted to redo it, get it all fixed up.

[Kevin Ryan]

Those guys like, listen, your dad is a great guy, but he don't have. He don't have Finn redoing Mustang in a driveway vibes.

[H. Foley]

The guy he sold it to would come and.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, you were saying. Yeah. All right, well, so what do you think? I would like to the listener, for the listeners and viewers out there. What should the big man buy? You're saying Audi. Have you thought about an Audi?

[H. Foley]

Listen, I'm not saying it like that. And this isn't like a flex or a face throw. I just. I don't know anything. I just assumed an Audi and a Jeep would be around the same price. I mean, it's 20, 25.

[Kevin Ryan]

What's that? I don't know what that. I mean, I don't know. The car.

[H. Foley]

I mean, you can get anything.

[Kevin Ryan]

I think the ones. Yeah, I didn't get anything.

[H. Foley]

No, but anybody like people driving beat.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, I would argue. I don't think. I don't know if it's financially responsible. I don't know what they go for.

[H. Foley]

I have no idea what is like a nice SUV. Audi.

[Kevin Ryan]

Go for the Q3. Goes for 560amonth for 36 months. He needs something bigger than a Q3.

[H. Foley]

What's that?

[Kevin Ryan]

Is it like a. I don't know. Three is not big enough. I know they got an A6 and that's still a fucking car. You need something bigger than a Q3.

[H. Foley]

Something that comes with some onion rings.

[Kevin Ryan]

Q7 is going to get you 679. I don't think you're 679, guy.

[H. Foley]

What's that off the lot? How much is that if you buy it?

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, Q7. I think it's like starting around what, 50 or 60.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, see, it's the same thing as a Jeep. 60 if I get a Wrangler. That'd be sweet. Get an old school Jeep having to.

[Kevin Ryan]

Cut you out of that thing. Cutting out the roll cage jaws of life. No, the standard Cherokee's only 36.

[H. Foley]

Still clutching.

[Kevin Ryan]

Standard Cherokee 36.

[H. Foley]

What standard? The.

[Kevin Ryan]

The souped up Cherokee 60. The 4XE.

[H. Foley]

But the Cherokee, Jeep, Limited. Cherokee 20, 25. Tents, spinners, some 22s on it.

[Kevin Ryan]

The Limited. I think that's just the. They're all LTD. It's 40 grand.

[H. Foley]

Maybe I'll get an old school car.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like what? Lumina. I got one with a flat tire. That's got to go now.

[H. Foley]

Maybe go and get like something from the 70s or something like a Kramer car. That's what I. What am I. What am I doing? I'm a dirtbag.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

I don't serve a nice car. I should be the guy on the side of the highway with the. With the T shirt hanging out of my window and I'm nowhere to be found.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure you're dead.

[H. Foley]

I just assumed those guys were all dead.

[Kevin Ryan]

I always think they walk into the woods. Where are you going?

[H. Foley]

With their wife and kids.

[Kevin Ryan]

Where are you going?

[H. Foley]

Walk into the woods, kid. Let's talk about knobs.

[Kevin Ryan]

Ooh. Shout out to it, baby.

[H. Foley]

Let me ask you that. You like brushing your teeth?

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't because I don't have a good product to use.

[H. Foley]

You don't have a good product and what's been like something over the last few years? A lot of people are starting to become aware of that. There's a lot of different stuff in the stuff that we use.

[Kevin Ryan]

Looking for natural ingredients.

[H. Foley]

Natural ingredients.

[Kevin Ryan]

Safe.

[H. Foley]

Have you ever had toothpaste that was in a glass?

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't think so. No kidding.

[H. Foley]

Well, knobs does.

[Kevin Ryan]

Knobs got you. Yes.

[H. Foley]

It's coming in class. What are we doing here?

[Kevin Ryan]

That knobs. They also prioritize health and sustainability like the big man said with plastic free glass packaging.

[H. Foley]

That's crazy.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's been shown to be just as effective as fluoride toothpaste. Knobs is perfect for adults, kids and pregnant women as it does not contain fluoride. And as you know, my wife was just pregnant. That stuff is very important. You need to take care of that. It matters so much. Knobs. Dehydrated tablets with no necessary preservatives offer a compact and mess free solution. Ideal for travelers, which we do all the time.

[H. Foley]

All the time.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's formulated with just 13 ingredients. They ensure effective oral care without sacrificing luggage space. The absence of liquids also makes them TSA friendly, which is very important. They don't want to jam you up, allowing you to maintain your oral hygiene routine seamlessly during your travels. Unlock 10 of your entire order. This June and July, visit betterbiome.com and use the promo code GARBAGE at checkout. One more time. That's better. Biome.com use a promo code GARBAGE to check out for 10 off. Do it.

[H. Foley]

Do it. Okay, let's talk about Toshi.

[Kevin Ryan]

Shout out to Doji.

[H. Foley]

Let's talk about the most important thing in this life. Keeping that butthole clean.

[Kevin Ryan]

Squeaky.

[H. Foley]

That's really what it's all about.

[Kevin Ryan]

Or you're not lying? You get to a certain age. Yeah, it's a certain age. I never understood it.

[H. Foley]

Now do you believe me on this? You know I'm not lying now.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[H. Foley]

Right. Clean butthole. Sure. And what are you gonna. How are you gonna do that? You're gonna do like a caveman.

[Kevin Ryan]

No wiping with.

[H. Foley]

With dead trees. I think about the environment. Do yourself a favor. Get over to Tucci, get the bidet.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's fantastic. Yeah. Talking about cleaning whistleproof Boho Tushy is the everyday luxury bidet that instantly transforms your bathroom habits and bottom health for life. It's once you go, you can't go back. There's a bidet for every biohacking personality type cloud which automatically deodorizes the air when you sit down, gets above it and aura which automatically opens the seat when you enter the bathroom. They got you locked in over there. At Tushy, keep your swampiest body parts fresh and cool. This time of year is important. For a limited time, our listeners get 10% off their first bidet order when you use the code garbage at checkout. That's 10% off your first bidet [e-mail] with the promo code garbage. Do it. Promo code garbage.

[H. Foley]

Anyway, yeah, let's talk about automobile.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, gang. This is a family. One of the themed family episodes that we've been doing that people seem to like. This one's trashy cars. So we had the good folks over there on Patreon submit their questions or stories about their trashy cars. This one's from Xavier. $10 makes you Holla. Child of the 80s. My dad used to always throw a giant subwoofer in any used car we had growing up. Dude, a subwoofer in the family car is tough. I've. I've hung out with some dirt bags. I've never seen in the family car a set of subs. He goes, picture my mom picking me up in a 98 Ford Windstar jam into ambitions as a rider by Tupac in 2002. That's. That's tough, dude.

[H. Foley]

That's a tough look right there.

[Kevin Ryan]

Although I gotta give you a 98 Ford Windstar in 2002 is that a van? Yeah, that.

[H. Foley]

Dude, that's a Mini.

[Kevin Ryan]

That Ford's Windstar in the late 90s, early 2000s. And that Plymouth or Chrysler Town and Country? That Town and Country.

[H. Foley]

That was nice.

[Kevin Ryan]

That was the one that both. They had both side doors and some. They were like the first ones. You pressed a button and it.

[H. Foley]

Remember if you touch them, the dad would be like, what are you doing? It's automatic. You're gonna break it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, freak out one touch it. I got like an Uber driver.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, freak out on you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Fucking relax, dude.

[H. Foley]

Fucking bullshit.

[Kevin Ryan]

Goddamn Plymouth. I remember they were. I remember a lot. A lot of my boys are like their parents got them because they had kids. And it was like the mom had it, Pat had it. My boy Derek had the town in country. My boy.

[H. Foley]

Champagne's always a good color for those.

[Kevin Ryan]

The dark. The dark purple or dark blue was good. My. My then stepdad's dad. So my grand stepdad. Like, what would that be called? My stepdad Granddad Ron. It was Frank.

[H. Foley]

Some guy who doesn't like you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, he. He did not. Last time he saw me, he called me my brother's name. Shout out to Dan. How you doing, Dan? I said, pretty good, Frank. Keep it moving.

[H. Foley]

It's your daughter.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's got nice set of tits on him. He had. Which I always thought was clues. An older guy, older construction worker. He couldn't get up in the big truck anymore. The big F150, the whatever. So he took one of those Plymouth. He bought like a purple used Plymouth Town Car. It might have been a Ford Windstar at that point, but whatever. Like a pretty solid van. And took out all the. Just the two rows, the two bench seats in the back. So the back of the van was like an enclosed bed. But he didn't have to get up. Everything was low.

[H. Foley]

Gotcha.

[Kevin Ryan]

He could have both doors open up and he turned it into his work truck.

[H. Foley]

I thought you're gonna say that he slid the driver's seat back or something.

[Kevin Ryan]

Suicide door from the back.

[H. Foley]

You know what every dad loved when it hit the scene? My. My parents would never get like aftermarket sound system. All they needed. What the question was that?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, I mean, this guy, he's playing with a different deck of cards. I didn't peg Patty as a JBL kind of girl. Bose. It's got the Bose system in it. You were doing Bose stuff.

[H. Foley]

The Maximus, they all had Bose. Nissan had. We were all Maxima all the time. Always.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wow.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. That's how we did it. Maximum.

[Kevin Ryan]

My. When I First met my stepdad, he had a big, big white Chevy Suburban. Big with. It still had like the diamond plate steps on like before they made.

[H. Foley]

You know, draw is for. For horse carriages.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, it was before they like farm shit. Yeah, before they were like for passengers. It was like they had the hun. I remember the nine antennas on this thing. It looked like the. Look like the fucking SS Minnow.

[H. Foley]

Those things always scared me. They were like tin cans. You ever see one of them all crumpled up?

[Kevin Ryan]

This thing was like. This thing had to weigh 17,000 pounds. It was. Put me in it. It was 18. It was a big boy. And he had a. It's probably still floating around my house because no one. They don't throw fucking anything away. But he had a bass like subwoofer in the back because he's. He meets my mom. He's a young single business stepdad.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, he had a subwoofer.

[Kevin Ryan]

Subwoofer. And we play country. We playing like bumping Garth Brook and playing fucking Billingville. Here's my sign. And I remember jumping all the way in the back because it was all the way in the back of the suburbs. I climb over, which seemed as a kid, 17 rows of shit. Sure.

[H. Foley]

It's like being a school bus.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, dude, just show him. Me and Danny are fighting in like 15 different rows. He's flipping me over. We get to the back and it would blow out air and we would just sit there.

[H. Foley]

Sit on it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Stick my wee wee in the side of that thing.

[H. Foley]

Riding a sibian. I wouldn't know what a subwoofer was if it hit me in the face. I honestly.

[Kevin Ryan]

What the does that do for Mega bass Bomb. Bomb. Bomb.

[H. Foley]

It's a lot of shit's lost on me.

[Kevin Ryan]

I would. I could never. I never had the. The cash for it. My parents would never give me the money to put subwoofers in my.

[H. Foley]

Come on. That's what was gonna get you lazy. Hit the gym, pork chop. Do a couple of pull ups. Brush your teeth.

[Kevin Ryan]

I could have. I could have been driving a formula one car to some school. You guys like potato chips?

[H. Foley]

Still striking out with the chick in the headgear.

[Kevin Ryan]

She gets in the base is rattling it, her teeth are falling out.

[H. Foley]

I remember one kid in school, dad did really well in real estate. Good kid, nice kid. Nothing against him, but he got like a Mustang 5.0. And I remember junior year, caught fire in the parking lot. Yeah, he had back of my head. Yeah, he ain't.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're stand. You're standing 50ft away, smoking a sink with a gas can. Think that you're rich, Brick.

[H. Foley]

You never know how these things happen.

[Kevin Ryan]

Real estate, huh? I forgot what I was going to say. That's. Yeah, a couple kids. I remember one kid's dad. I only knew how to make. No one I knew ever made money in the stock market. Then one kid's dad, we heard, made a bunch of money in pharmaceuticals. And I remember going to my dad being like, we gotta get into pharmaceutical. This is when, like, business, drugs. This is when business was, like, not going well. And I thought I was gonna come home and, like, have you thought about making a lot of money in the stock market? You know? And he was probably like, shut the up.

[H. Foley]

If you would have gotten a Prozac or something like that early.

[Kevin Ryan]

I think the guy. I think I remember Merc. They made it in Merc.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, and big down in Philly. I know a bunch of Merc. They compounds like that with guards and all that stuff.

[Kevin Ryan]

Gotta keep an eye on him. Percocets. Fiends down there be climbing the walls.

[H. Foley]

I remember one of my buddies is.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like, Day of the Dead.

[H. Foley]

One of my buddies, his kid brother worked at, like, a warehouse for one of those. And, man, we had the heist of the century planned. Never had the balls to pull it off.

[Kevin Ryan]

Antibiotics, Z packs, as far as the. I can see.

[H. Foley]

I love a Z back.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, that's pretty good. I know. I remember I bought. I added Pioneer 6 by Nines. I bought them at Best Buy. I got an out of the box special. They were 129 bucks.

[H. Foley]

You put them in?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

You put them in, like, the doors.

[Kevin Ryan]

Now they went under. Like, I put them in the trunk and they went under, you know, inside the.

[H. Foley]

Is this an aluminum.

[Kevin Ryan]

This is my first loom. But you couldn't see them because they were covered with the. Yeah, like the. The mesh or whatever. Not the mesh, the felt.

[H. Foley]

The. In the back.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Like on the back windshield. There was like that shelf back there.

[H. Foley]

Where the dead bees go.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. And I put them up into there. And I remember. I remember being so mad and you couldn't see them. I wanted people to. I got the JBLs. They were returned or something like that. Man, I fucking stunk.

[H. Foley]

One's white, one's blue.

[Kevin Ryan]

Good thing you can't see them. All right, this is from Chris. Up gang. $20 D3. Football player.

[H. Foley]

Love it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Shout out to you. When I was about 10, my brother, who was about 12, bought a car from our neighborhood. Meth head.

[H. Foley]

What?

[Kevin Ryan]

He bought the car for 40 bucks, it had no driver's seat and he sat on a milk crate to drive it. The car caught fire while we were driving it down the highway. He pulled off to the side of the road and left it there. He was 12. The 90s were a different time.

[H. Foley]

That's nuts. 12 driving.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's crazy. Yeah, early 90s 12. I'm not saying it's right. Holy shit, dude. Think about your. A meth head rolls up.

[H. Foley]

Man.

[Kevin Ryan]

I remember some guy gave us his car in Village Shire. We'd always skate in this. This townhouse. It was a huge townhouse complex surrounding a shopping center.

[H. Foley]

I know your Dogtown and Z girls days. I know you're talking about you, the pool, the bowl. You skate around.

[Kevin Ryan]

What? I don't think I've ever said any of that. You're smoking wet. What are you doing?

[H. Foley]

You and Heath Ledger running around. I know. Brody or Bodhi.

[Kevin Ryan]

And this guy was like. There was a sob. An old SOB or something. Like real love. I know, but real beat up piece. It like just had like the. The weather had removed the shine and it was like the. You know, the. Had the. Those things went the dull metal spot on it. The guy's like, you got this car. It was right next to where we were skating. And we're like, okay. So he gave us the keys. Not me.

[H. Foley]

That was an insurance scam.

[Kevin Ryan]

We didn't drive, but he gave us the keys. And we were just like. For a weekend or maybe even a day. Yeah. We just sit in there and smoke cigs in a parking lot.

[H. Foley]

I'm the dad. Start choking the kid out.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm fucking making a move on Pat the mom. Yeah, it was just like, Vera. And I'm like, they gave him to my somebody. And they were like, we got keys to a broken down sob? And I was like, let's go fucking hang out in that for the weekend. Never moved it or anything, though.

[H. Foley]

That's shifty.

[Kevin Ryan]

This is from I'm your pitch. A man friend of mine bought truck nuts for his grandfather. The old man hung them from his rear view mirror.

[H. Foley]

Truck nuts.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. I guess it would be funnier if you knew what truck nuts were. Yeah, they're for your hitch in the back.

[H. Foley]

Not like the bolts.

[Kevin Ryan]

No.

[H. Foley]

Like they look like testicles.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, yeah. You put them on your hitch and it like sways. It's like a set of nuts for your truck. But they're like this big and metal. He had them hanging from his rear view. That's. I mean, that's just not knowing. That's hilarious. What was big for us was the either the small Jordan, the small air Jordan hanging from the rear view mirror, or the Converse. People would buy baby sneakers. Baby sneakers. And hang it there. And that was like. Because Jordans were so hot that it was like a cool.

[H. Foley]

Sure. We hung our tassel from graduation.

[Kevin Ryan]

I did that for a minute and then it's like, goddamn loser. Yeah, I think I did it because you're like, I don't know. And then I remember it was in my center console for, like, way too long, covered in loose tobacco from empty sig packs, you know what I mean?

[H. Foley]

And chick fil a sauce.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm a dry nugget, man. Everybody knows that. This is from on lizzle. The worst was having a dad that owned a really nice crew cab, Ford powerstroke, but insisted on driving the work truck everywhere instead. Getting dropped off at school looking like you just left the job site is a tough look. That was big for us.

[H. Foley]

What's the first. What's the first one?

[Kevin Ryan]

A nice crew cab, Ford powerstroke. Like a big, nice pickup truck. Like, you know, one of like fucking. One of those, like big country or open country with the two wheels in the back.

[H. Foley]

One of those things.

[Kevin Ryan]

A dually. My neighborhood got it. That guy got laid, dude. My neighbor got a duel one of mark three. Remember that?

[H. Foley]

Mark three? It was like a Vans mark three.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. But I think his truck was. It was like a custom sky blue.

[H. Foley]

I mean, we were like Eddie Bauer.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, it was a dually, though. It had the two wheels.

[H. Foley]

Harley.

[Kevin Ryan]

What? He's just saying brands.

[H. Foley]

No, they did the interior.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, yeah. I don't know. But this was like custom paint job. It was his first car. And I remember being like. I would tell people, I'd go. I'd go to school and be like, my neighbor's got a doily. No big deal. It's for towing.

[H. Foley]

I guess I got a mix and match subwoofer.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, that's tough. We were also very. Because my dad. I lived outside of the neighborhood for bus pickup to go to school when I was with my dad. So I couldn't take the bus, so he had to pick me up. We'll say I had to be at school, you know, whatever. As a young tyke, eight o' clock, he would go to work. He's working construct, you know, he's running a construction company. So he'd go to work at 5, go do running around. But sometimes he'd show up in someone else's car like, oh, so. And I was backed in at the. Whatever. At the job or the.

[H. Foley]

All like, you're in a sidecar.

[Kevin Ryan]

I took Jimmy's keys. So I'm just in Jimmy's work van with, like, the shit on the dash, like, the cups of coffee, leaning for the stack of papers.

[H. Foley]

I got a dually at the house.

[Kevin Ryan]

Looks like we're about to go rob a bank or something.

[H. Foley]

Whenever my dad would have to take us to school. He had a. He had a Navy car. It was a government car, and we weren't allowed to be in it, so we would have to, like, crouch down in the backseat. He took it very seriously, like, they're.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's taking to work.

[H. Foley]

I know, but he would stick us. We'd have to crouch. I'd be like, who the fuck's looking for you? Like, the MPs are coming to get you. Goddamn cold war going on things. Worried about fucking you taking me to school.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, that was always big, too, because, like, my dad's had work trucks for the employees. And I would see them on Saturdays. You see Frankie driving down the Shore or whatever, And I'd go, buddy, you're out of your jury's freaking dictionary. Unless you're doing a service call over there at Maurice Pier, you get your ass back to the greater Philadelphia area.

[H. Foley]

Driving a cement truck to Wildwood.

[Kevin Ryan]

Got an hour left on this thing.

[H. Foley]

Maybe I'll get one of those.

[Kevin Ryan]

A cement truck?

[H. Foley]

What about a tractor trailer?

[Kevin Ryan]

Let me get a pickup. You're a pickup guy?

[H. Foley]

Nah.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're a big power stroke pickup guy.

[H. Foley]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

Why not?

[H. Foley]

Too light in the back. Dangerous.

[Kevin Ryan]

What are you talking about?

[H. Foley]

Plus, I'm not hauling nothing.

[Kevin Ryan]

You don't. You don't drive anything now.

[H. Foley]

I'm gonna get a convertible Miata.

[Kevin Ryan]

Really?

[H. Foley]

No, I'm not completely. I'm gonna take the easiest way out.

[Kevin Ryan]

Suicide.

[H. Foley]

Out on Route 9.

[Kevin Ryan]

And walk into the woods, kill your family. Hang the T shirt in the window of the Jeep.

[H. Foley]

Call it a T shirt hung on me.

[Kevin Ryan]

I think you're a pickup guy.

[H. Foley]

I'm not a pickup guy.

[Kevin Ryan]

You don't know that.

[H. Foley]

I was a pickup guy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Those pickups are nice. And we know what you'd like. They got those, like, F150s. They got the big center console.

[H. Foley]

I do like that you get your whole. For my snacks.

[Kevin Ryan]

You get your whole big arm on air. A couple of sizzlies, maybe your McDonald's big breakfast plate.

[H. Foley]

Breakfast in bed.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. I mean, my brother got that. I remember when they changed the bottle of the F150s. To the more like what they are now.

[H. Foley]

Nicer.

[Kevin Ryan]

And my brother got a used one and he really started throwing on my truck. My truck. Guys with a truck don't call the car the truck. They're not like, I left, I got the truck. I go, my truck. So there I am, I'm in my truck. I pull up, I got the truck. It's cool. I would do it too.

[H. Foley]

I got to drive a pickup. In high school, my dad drove a pickup. Was nice. Nice Nissan. I got to drive it on the weekends.

[Kevin Ryan]

I would. I would like. I would like a pickup if I could. I'd. Listen this.

[H. Foley]

Is this gonna be a real man to get one of those.

[Kevin Ryan]

This might sound.

[H. Foley]

Hanging a picture or something like that.

[Kevin Ryan]

I can't do that. Yeah, Shagging.

[H. Foley]

Put your tools in there.

[Kevin Ryan]

No fork. I just have really big utensils. I got them strapped up on the rack.

[H. Foley]

One of those pizza things.

[Kevin Ryan]

This is also. I'm realizing now, buying the Lumina might not have been the best, you know, logical decision when buying a second car. Now that I have a family. I bought it. I didn't have a kid.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

Now I have a kid, I can't really use it. I'm going to need a second car.

[H. Foley]

Why?

[Kevin Ryan]

When I'm coming to, like we're staying in the burbs.

[H. Foley]

Oh, because she's got to have something.

[Kevin Ryan]

She's got to have a car in case of an emergency.

[H. Foley]

And you're not going to leave her on the Lumina.

[Kevin Ryan]

What?

[H. Foley]

Man, talk about welcome to America.

[Kevin Ryan]

Welcome to America, 1995. And your car stinks.

[H. Foley]

Wait, so you're going to start driving that up here?

[Kevin Ryan]

I can't drive the loom up. I can't take the loom into the city. That's no way. I don't think it would last on the highway. Like, it can't last.

[H. Foley]

You're getting oil every time you get gas.

[Kevin Ryan]

I know. Which, by the way, 90% of the submissions were. I had to get oil every time I got.

[H. Foley]

I guess every time, man.

[Kevin Ryan]

So, I don't know. I might. I was thinking about buying. I gotta. I gotta get this off my hands. But I don't want to get it off my. I don't know what I'm gonna do.

[H. Foley]

Maybe I'll buy the loom off you.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's not practical, man. We just said he can't drive it. That's what I always said. Make you an offer. Yeah, you make me an offer.

[H. Foley]

No, you make me an offer.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm not. I don't want to Sell it? How do we end up here? You're trying to buy a car I don't want to sell and I gotta sell it to you.

[H. Foley]

I'll give you a grand for it.

[Kevin Ryan]

No.

[H. Foley]

1200.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, you're not even close.

[H. Foley]

800. Can I lease it off you?

[Kevin Ryan]

I have 1500, 640amonth.

[H. Foley]

You're banging me out. Tagging title.

[Kevin Ryan]

Listen, you got five days. I got to get this rebate in, so you got to sign. Sign and drive a Kippy signing drive event.

[H. Foley]

Sucker.

[Kevin Ryan]

I was thinking about just buying like a. You. I gotta get enough. I can't get another car. These insurance. Listen, you want to hear something stupid? I'm still paying for the insurance on the Kia.

[H. Foley]

Why?

[Kevin Ryan]

Because I couldn't find the plates. I didn't know you had to turn them in.

[H. Foley]

Wait, don't you take the plates with you?

[Kevin Ryan]

What?

[H. Foley]

Aren't I going to be able to take my plates and put it on a new car?

[Kevin Ryan]

You got a Pennsylvania car, don't you?

[H. Foley]

No, I got New York.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, I don't know.

[H. Foley]

Fuck. God damn it.

[Kevin Ryan]

I owned my car, though. You're leasing it? That's their problem. They do that.

[H. Foley]

I don't want have to get the license plate again.

[Kevin Ryan]

Why you take the car with the license plate? You don't have to do anything.

[H. Foley]

You sure? Yeah, I think I take my license plates with me.

[Kevin Ryan]

Listen, man, I don't know. It doesn't matter. There's no. Not gonna make. Well, you don't have to go make the license plate or something. They're gonna hand you or mail you license plates. There's no, like, the license plate. The license plate is yours.

[H. Foley]

Nice. Yeah, Hanging in my garage next to my truck.

[Kevin Ryan]

But mine, I had to return them and I lost them.

[H. Foley]

Who the fuck loses license?

[Kevin Ryan]

They were in here.

[H. Foley]

Oh, I know where they are.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, I. They're hanging on my wall. My garage. I finally returned them.

[H. Foley]

Hmm.

[Kevin Ryan]

Because you can't. I thought I could just cancel the insurance, but they're like, no, I've been paying that for a year.

[H. Foley]

Wait, you have to turn the license plates in before you can cancel the insurance?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, you have to get a letter from the state. New York's wonky. Listen, I never did this stuff.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Brutal. I had to get a letter. I had to mail them in. They had to mail me a receipt, and then I have to give that receipt to the insurance company. But I gotta. I wanna buy like an old Civic or something. Not old Civic. Something reliable. I can boot, scoot and boogie this. I Gotta tell you, you know, the Lumina jammed me up. That was a bad call. Looking back. Bad call.

[H. Foley]

Hey, I'm taking car advice from you, you idiot.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, don't do that. You just wanted to buy the Lumina, actually. What are you talking about? 1300 interesting trades considered.

[H. Foley]

Would you go for something?

[Kevin Ryan]

How about that beach boy shirt you got on? That toucan? Sam on a surfboard?

[H. Foley]

This was one in the Kokomo video. John Stamos wore this?

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[H. Foley]

On Full House and Happy Days.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right, let's see here. This one's from Foley's weird looking mole. Okay. Ten dollar homie Never had a lot of. Take your.

[H. Foley]

I gotta get my eyes done. I got little skin tags on my eyes, gang. The show is sponsored by Liquid iv.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sing it from the rafters big.

[H. Foley]

This show is sponsored by Liquid iv. I'll tell you what I do for free. Because that's some good, good stuff over there. Listen, summertime working out. You're losing a lot of electrolytes down at that beach. Showing that body off. Sure. You go, girl. Replenish those electrolytes with Liquid iv. Listen, it's taken over the market. I'd love to know what the market share is because they're killing it.

[Kevin Ryan]

They're doing well.

[H. Foley]

It's great.

[Kevin Ryan]

Especially now they got that arctic raspberry flavor coming in hot.

[H. Foley]

They better send us one of them.

[Kevin Ryan]

Visit liquidiv.com use a code garbage for 20 off your first order. Guys, listen. We've been saying it for years. We got it. It's. We got it coming out the yin yang. We do them every day. I got them at the burbs. I got them at the house. We take them on the road. I use them when I'm hungover. I use them when I'm hungover. I use them when I'm hungover.

[H. Foley]

The three best times Squeeze the most.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Squeeze the most out of your summer with Liquid iv. You tear it, you pour it, you live more. Go to Liquid. That's pretty good. You go to liquid I.com and get 20% off your first order with the code GARBAGE at checkout. That's 20% off your first order with THE CODE [e-mail] do it. Back to the show.

[H. Foley]

Back to the show. This episode is brought to you by.

[Kevin Ryan]

LifeLock between two factor authentication, strong passwords and a VPN.

[H. Foley]

You try to be in control of how your info is protected.

[Kevin Ryan]

But many other places also have it.

[H. Foley]

And they might not be as careful. That's why lifelock monitors hundreds of millions.

[Kevin Ryan]

Of data points a second for threats. If your identity is stolen, they'll fix it, guaranteed, or your money back. Save up to 40% your first year. Visit lifelock.com podcast for 40% off. Terms apply. All right, this says, I bought my brother's girlfriend's bright red 2000 Pontiac Grand Dam for 300 bucks.

[H. Foley]

Nice.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's a nice. That 2000 grand. Damn grand Prix error. Was that the new body one? That had to be right. Maybe it was right after that.

[H. Foley]

Probably still smelled like the chick, too.

[Kevin Ryan]

But for 300, that can't be too. Let me see, 2000.

[H. Foley]

Maybe they work something out.

[Kevin Ryan]

Grand Am 2000. Yeah, they.

[H. Foley]

Damn.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, that's the new body style. I love those cars. Yeah, dude, they dropped those in black.

[H. Foley]

Oh, man, I picture that with a. Like, a pink bandana hanging on the. Yeah, smells real good in there.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's still kind of the old one. Actually. They had a little bit newer with my buddy. I won. I remember I was trying to save up. I was working at, like, Wings to Go or Giuseppe's. I was gonna save up. There was this, like, lie that I was told that, like, my dad would help me pay for half a car, right? Meanwhile, there was, like, no money ever. And, like, this is, like, things are bad. And he's like, yeah, yeah, I'll give you half, so whatever you get, I'll match it.

[H. Foley]

He's trying to get you fired from work.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, I called him. Stealing. The fat one is stealing dinner rolls by the case. It was under the guise of I'll match you with half or something like that. So I'm like, 14. I'm like, I'm gonna fucking work these next two years, save up eight grand. That's $16,000. I get a car or something like that. First of all, I came nowhere near a grand, nowhere near eight grand. You owed 400. I remember keeping my money in an old apple juice bottle. I would fold my 20s so I couldn't get it. You know what I mean? I would. You fat little bitch. I would fold them up like you were tipping a stripper with it. Like, long and thin, and then stuff them in there. But then I couldn't get them out.

[H. Foley]

Really Smash that motherfucker.

[Kevin Ryan]

But then you had to do that, and you're like, you know, that was at least the prevention.

[H. Foley]

No problem. Between that and some drugs, sure, I wasn't.

[Kevin Ryan]

I wasn't a. You know, I wasn't. I wasn't into the narcotics.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

I saved up. I don't know maybe 700 bucks.

[H. Foley]

Look at you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Bus and tables.

[H. Foley]

There you go. I was like, nice Huffy.

[Kevin Ryan]

I wanted. And then I wanted this Grand Prix and I thought I'd be able to.

[H. Foley]

Your dad. Yeah. Meanwhile, he just took the 700 from you probably.

[Kevin Ryan]

But then my buddy got the exact. I never. I get it now, but when people got brand new cars, kids got brand. I get.

[H. Foley]

It's crazy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Listen, if you're like a lawyer or like, you know, you could get a brand new, I don't know, Toyota Corolla for 100.

[H. Foley]

For your daughter. For your daughter, so you know she's safe.

[Kevin Ryan]

The broads always got nicer cars than the. The boy. The boys got kind of whatever the. Hand me down or, you know, we'll buy you a two thousand dollar car or something like that real quick.

[H. Foley]

You know what's underrated? That was always fun. Driving your high school girlfriend's parents car every once in a while.

[Kevin Ryan]

When did you get your hands on that?

[H. Foley]

Like if, like, you know, she.

[Kevin Ryan]

Everybody's drunk in the back. Like if she was driving, she took her car and you're like, drive. She's got her feet up on a dashboard.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, it's. Yeah, that's nice.

[Kevin Ryan]

He got his glasses on, smoking his cigar.

[H. Foley]

It's a prescription. I can't see a thing.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm a method actor. But people who got. I remember, like. And he'd go. I remember wrapping my head around. Things weren't great financially at the time for, you know, the household. And I remember just being like, my mom's never had a new car. How do you have it? Like, how much money you guys have? And now I know a new car isn't the most expensive you can. There's affordable new cars.

[H. Foley]

We get to drive the nice cars on the weekends, you know, get to take my mom's car out of my dad's truck or whatever, other than that.

[Kevin Ryan]

But I just.

[H. Foley]

Spectrum, baby.

[Kevin Ryan]

I remember that all the girls got Acura's. And I was like, who the fuck. Billionaires. This is fucking nuts. My mom's got. I got a Chevy Bravada. The nicest car I can get my hands on is a fucking Chevy Bravada. That fucking stutters when you turn right too hard.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, but you're glad there's people like that out there in the world.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, of course.

[H. Foley]

You don't want these hot rods riding around in fucking shit boxes.

[Kevin Ryan]

There you go. All right, let's see here. This is from Blake Dots. In high school, I used to live next door to a real Tugboat. It's a deep cut. It's a. Someone got her car mixed up with my mom's car and keyed her entire. Keyed my mom's entire car, saying, fuck you, bitch, slut, and keyed. Circles and scratches all over the car. My mom was too embarrassed to drive it, so she made me run all of her errands until we could get it into the shop. That's bad.

[H. Foley]

He's a dirty little boy, huh?

[Kevin Ryan]

He's up there showing every.

[H. Foley]

She was a bad girl, huh?

[Kevin Ryan]

That sounds like. That's. There's no driveway involved in that situation. You don't miss the driveway. That is a. That is a townhouse or townhouse community where everybody's co. Mingled in.

[H. Foley]

She slept with somebody's boyfriend from some other school, probably Catholic.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's funny. This one's from Beast Middy. $10 bozo. Never had one red. My first car was the car that my parents drove me home from the hospital. And after I was born, a 98 Honda Accord. Ended up selling it for parts. For a jihad. That's not a bad return on investment.

[H. Foley]

Selling for parts.

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, you got to think. I mean, this kid was born in at least 99. Wow, that's crazy. So he's like your age. What year were you born? 97. Yeah, so he's like your age. I mean, that would be the equivalent of me being 16. In what year? 2000. Mm. 2002. I was 16. That's like me getting a 1986 in 2002. There's a big jump of technology between 86 and 2002. Huge. We drove.

[H. Foley]

We drove a Ford Matador for the beginning of my life. Remember, I cried when we left it at the dealership. It was my grandmother's.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

I'm a little fucked up, man.

[Kevin Ryan]

This guy. All right, let's see here. This one's From Garbage Aficionado. $10 Long island garbage enjoyer here. Never had one red. I had a 1993 Pontiac Bonneville. That thing is a boat. They were. They came in two or three colors, too. A boat.

[H. Foley]

The Bonneville.

[Kevin Ryan]

The.

[H. Foley]

The word always was falling off.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[H. Foley]

It was always missing letters.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, it's too long. That was the year I'm thinking, too. Also, the. The. The. The name Bonneville was imprinted into the fender. I don't know if you remember.

[H. Foley]

And there was, like this thing that went around it, like a rubber or something. They were real shitty.

[Kevin Ryan]

They were huge. I remember being in the the first. It was like driving a cruise ship.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Ferry or something. Big. They had those big windshields. Was that Pontiac?

[H. Foley]

Pontiac. Pontiac's out of business, right? They're still banging. No. The Aztec, right?

[Kevin Ryan]

The. Yes. I mean, that was in the early 2000s. No, I think. I don't know. Pontiac's got to be dead. Gotta be. Yeah. Defunct.

[H. Foley]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

14 years ago, man. Get with that. We lay off the peyote, will you, big dog?

[H. Foley]

Gotta lay off the antibiotics.

[Kevin Ryan]

I had a 1993 Pontiac Bonneville that my grandfather gave to me for a dollar shout out to Gramps. It had a sagging ceiling cloth, man. Yeah. Leaking windshield, so it was smelly. And no AC in sight. One day, the bracket holding the turn signal switch crumbled in my hands and dangled next to the steering wheel for the entire time I kept it. About a week after I lost the blinker, I drove my boys down to Jones Beach Theater to see Slipknot play. Toughest of looks. Cruising down the Meadow Brook Parkway with a car full of sweaty dudes using bad hand signals to hit the left and the right with Slipknot playing on the cassette.

[H. Foley]

The phone jacks definitely riding dirty, too. There was weed in that car.

[Kevin Ryan]

Bad weed in that car.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, dude.

[Kevin Ryan]

Bump and slip. Not hitting them with the. We're making a right.

[H. Foley]

We drove back and forth to the shore in high school in like a 1970 something. Datsun piece of that had a garbage bag in the back window. And we had a theory that the car only worked when we were smoking weed in there.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[H. Foley]

It was so dangerous. Like, so dangerous.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, I know. I, I, I had, I guess no seat belts. If I'm looking back, the. I had the worst car out of everybody. My first car was the worst car out of everyone. No one had a really nice car of like, my boys. Pat had like, a newer Ford Taurus that I think he got from his grandmom or something.

[H. Foley]

It's not bad. My boy Kramer had a gti.

[Kevin Ryan]

The Golf, the Volkswagen stick. My boy had a.

[H. Foley]

My boy had a Golf, not a Golf gti.

[Kevin Ryan]

But that's the same.

[H. Foley]

Is it?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Or it might not be a Golf, but it's like. GTI is a version of Golf. It looks exactly like a Golf. Right? Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Who are you? Fred Beans.

[Kevin Ryan]

I shout out Beansy, by the way.

[H. Foley]

Sniping from the corner office.

[Kevin Ryan]

Golf gti.

[H. Foley]

Okay. Proved your point, Luke.

[Kevin Ryan]

Volkswagen. My one buddy had a. Not a sob. What's the other one? I don't know.

[H. Foley]

Something like sweet Alfa Romeo.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, I wanted to buy one of them when I was, When I was looking at Cars just because Seinfeld likes them.

[H. Foley]

What are you, an English spy?

[Kevin Ryan]

They're kind of cheap, though. Like, they're not as expensive as you would think.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Cuz if they break and they fall apart and you can't get parts. Can't get these European parts.

[Kevin Ryan]

Is that still a thing though?

[H. Foley]

I don't know.

[Kevin Ryan]

Can't be right.

[H. Foley]

Scared the shit out of my family.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. My memory, my memorable. This guy, he works for Whirlpool. Shout out Mr. B with Doug. He's the one that had the ceramic. Dougie B. Was a listener for a long time. I think he's checked out a little bit. Fair enough. He did the support. That's early on when we needed it. He had a. He had a BMW. And I remember going, asking my dad, I go, why, you know, why don't you get a nice car like me? Break. My dad got it. Break. Imagine 8 year old in the backseat eating Rita's water ice with a pretzel braid going, why don't you have a BMW? Why don't you get a nice car, Rat? And he goes, you can't get them things fixed. And there was this thing in. In our town. It was an imported.

[H. Foley]

I was just gonna bring it out.

[Kevin Ryan]

It was a small little garage.

[H. Foley]

They look different. They look nice. Served espressos, Nutella.

[Kevin Ryan]

And I remember he would drink. He goes, you. My dad goes, you drive by that, the same car has been sitting out front for 16 weeks. They can't get the parts. Yeah, I can't afford. I. Why working construction. I can't afford not to have a.

[H. Foley]

Car waiting on shocks from Stockholm. Jam me up, huh? It was always like a German engineer that was in there.

[Kevin Ryan]

I know. I mean, we never.

[H. Foley]

I never just looked better.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. This one was like real boutiquey, you know what I mean? Not coffee out of like the. Nope. They ain't got powdered dairy, you know, powdered milk in there.

[H. Foley]

Their subwoofers match in there.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right, this one's from James. Hey, bozos. First time. Long time. My first car was also a chevy Lumen in 96 in white. How you doing? Doing. Shout out to you. Respect it. I bought the car from a guy in the paper. That's old school.

[H. Foley]

Very.

[Kevin Ryan]

You just had to go see a.

[H. Foley]

Car parked on the lawn.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, real. Yeah, parked on the lawn. No real pictures. Just had to go see it.

[H. Foley]

Roll the dice.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hey, get in a car and drive to two towns over, take a look.

[H. Foley]

At it, walk around. He's coming out, he's got meatloaf. In his mouth. He smells like. Inside the house. Fat wife sitting on the porch.

[Kevin Ryan]

Is that a Camry? What are you talking about? Let's see. I bought the car from a guy in a paper. Turns out the reason he was selling it because it was his father's who passed away in the car.

[H. Foley]

Fuck that.

[Kevin Ryan]

The father croaked in the car while smoking a cig.

[H. Foley]

Fuck.

[Kevin Ryan]

The sig burned a hole through the seat. And I got a great deal on the car. Love you.

[H. Foley]

At least he told you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, I wouldn't say no. I would say the cigarette lighter dropped when I was smoking a cigar because I was celebrating.

[H. Foley]

House man's car. I said I got James Dean.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Didn't they turn into a motorcycle? That got someone too.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Who would do that? Talk about possessed.

[H. Foley]

That. No, I'd rather ride around in Annabelle.

[Kevin Ryan]

What's Annabelle? Is that a plane or something? No, it's death car.

[H. Foley]

It's a doll from the Conjuring. Oh, that was possessed. Yeah, he snipped that if you want.

[Kevin Ryan]

Looking for Christine.

[H. Foley]

No, I wasn't.

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, it's an email car.

[H. Foley]

Christine was a scary movie. That guy was a freak. You know that movie?

[Kevin Ryan]

You're a bit of a freak. Stephen King, huh? All right, let's see. This one's from Charlie Brown. Great name. Doubt it's really yours. Crashed a car and my buddy owed me money. That's a. Also, that's not even a dude crash.

[H. Foley]

Real quick. Do you ever hit your. One of your friend's cars? You ever crack in one of your friend's cars? I did it on New Year's Eve. I smashed right into my buddy's rabbit, trying to be a tough guy. Pulled into the parking lot, it was all icy.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're always trying to be a tough cool guy.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Smashed right into his car. Ruined the night. Had no money to pay for it.

[Kevin Ryan]

I had my Chevy. Aluminum. What the. Kind of. Wasn't a Saab. What's another car like that? A Saab? I can't remember. Oh, was this. Was it a Subaru Xri or something like that?

[H. Foley]

Subaru Mazda.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, it was a Subaru, but they had a cool. It was after wrx. Subaru wrx. That was their racing rally car. Rich. Our rich buddy got. I don't think they were rich. I think they were just spending money. He got one of them.

[H. Foley]

He put their business out there.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm sorry about that. He got. I mean, so were we. He got one of those. And my boy Pat, I had to tell you this. We were drinking. It Like Pat's ex girl. Like Pat's girlfriends at the time were in high school. Her parents were gone.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

So everybody pulls into the driveway like you do.

[H. Foley]

I'm with.

[Kevin Ryan]

You stock the driveway. So now everybody's all. People are leaving, people are coming. It's whatever. I park in the street because I'm like, I ain't dealing.

[H. Foley]

Understandable.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm staying in the night, I think. I think like someone. She's like, yeah, you can. We can all get drunk here and stay here.

[H. Foley]

Gotcha.

[Kevin Ryan]

So you don't have to drink and drive. So I'm staying there. So I'm like, I'm not gonna park in the driveway. I'm just parking in the street because I don't want to be the guy. Now I gotta move.

[H. Foley]

You gotta.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm in. I'm in. If I'm running a beer pong table, I want to stay at the table.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

So Pat goes, hey, someone's gotta get out. He borrows my buddies the WRX's keys to back. Back out so someone else can get out. He backs out of the driveway, smashes my Lumina. Allegedly. Pat, I don't know if he ever admitted this. Smashes in. I think he won one time. Smashes into the loom. Doesn't say anything.

[H. Foley]

My man comes back, goddamn hit and run.

[Kevin Ryan]

Pulls the car back in the driveway. Whoever left, left, comes in. We have the night. As it he goes. My buddy Lee gets in his car, drives home. Night. His black car. He doesn't realize till the next day, nice Sunday. He's going to get, like, you know, whatever. Bagels. Going to get bagels. He realized his car's all up with white paint. I wake up in the morning. I walk out to my car, you know, I got half a heart on. I got, you know, I got syrup in my hands. And I. My car's been hit by a black car. And I pick up the tail light from the car that hit me. I'm thinking it's a hit and run, which it technically is, but I didn't know. I knew all the. It's like a murder mystery. Feel like I'm on only murders in the Building. So, like, I pull up to school on Monday. I go, ah, fuck it, I don't care. I have a little touch off paint. Mine's not that bad, you know, my mirror, whatever. I don't care. I got a piece of shit car. I pull up Monday to school next to my boy. I go, yo, and he's him and his. Him and a couple other Boys are looking at the car. And he goes, how many fucking hit my car? I wasn't involved in a hit and run. I said, and so was I. He goes, yeah. Some white car smashed my car.

[H. Foley]

Probably the same dude.

[Kevin Ryan]

I said, so black car smashed my car? And he goes, yeah. I go, hold on. Is this your tail light? And it was his fucking tail light. Pat denied it for years. Years. And I'm like, you're telling me someone crashing in his car got it? You know. And hey, I respect the lies.

[H. Foley]

It's a crazy world.

[Kevin Ryan]

But now to bring that up. I was never a fix my car kind of guy.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

I was never taken to the body shop.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

When it comes to. When it came to your car, I didn't. I don't really know you as a car guy.

[H. Foley]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

You recently got into the Jeeps, but the whole time I knew you, you didn't have a car.

[H. Foley]

What do you mean? Like, like my high school car.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like, yeah. If something were to happen, like my parents. Your height, like your call. I'm saying you aren't doing what? Doing nothing.

[H. Foley]

If it was something that I had to do get done to make it street legal, like get it. Get a headlight put in.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure. No, I'm saying like cosmetic.

[H. Foley]

Are you fuck out of here. What? I don't give a shit. Fuck that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

I wouldn't even know where to go.

[Kevin Ryan]

I know. It just seemed like such a people like that'll be 700. I went seven. 700 was so far away from what I had to be like. You think I'm going to spend this on to make this piece of shit look better?

[H. Foley]

Probably going to kill myself in this thing in a couple of weeks. Get the fuck out of here.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm going to hang the T shirt in here. If you catch my drip crack windshields busted. Now what I want a few times. I fixed a cracked windshield. Look at you later, cuz. Just because I learned it was in your field of vision.

[H. Foley]

Like safelight.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, well my step. That was pretty handy with cars. He was boys with. I. I had someone that could fix it, but I had to give. I had a. I had to pay cash or my. My stepdad could inspect it.

[H. Foley]

Your stepdad was making you pay for it?

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, yeah.

[H. Foley]

Damn.

[Kevin Ryan]

He would bill me. He didn't give a. He go, you still owe me 86 for the brakes in a road. I go 86, dude.

[H. Foley]

Parts and labor.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'd be labor. I'd be working at Acme. Working 12. I go, I made 80 bucks this week.

[H. Foley]

Take Some bananas and. Shut up.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's my heater money. Yeah. No, he would. He would. He would. He'd whack me. He would do the late labor for free.

[H. Foley]

Oh, there you go.

[Kevin Ryan]

And then he would tell his boy, hey, here are the numbers. And then it would print the stickers for it.

[H. Foley]

My dad came to me for money. Get the out of here.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's not my dad. That's the thing. That's a. We're just two dudes living in the same house at this point. You know what I mean?

[H. Foley]

Yeah. I'll get it to you.

[Kevin Ryan]

He also bought the car for me. 1200.

[H. Foley]

There you go.

[Kevin Ryan]

There's a picture of me buying the car the guy took. I'm trying to find it. I wonder.

[H. Foley]

They.

[Kevin Ryan]

I never told you that they lured me out of the house on a rainy Friday night. I didn't surprise you to surprise me.

[H. Foley]

With a car like your quinceanera.

[Kevin Ryan]

They told. You know, they told me, we're going to Applebee's on Street Road. They go, we're gonna go to Applebee's.

[H. Foley]

Did you go to Applebee's?

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, maybe we did, and I drove. But she goes, we got to meet Joe at the shop. So we pull up. Then he goes, walk up here. I kind of knew to fix when we parked at the used car dealership. You know what I mean? Going on here. Talking to Eddie. What are we talking to Fast Eddie for?

[H. Foley]

They sign you up for the army? What the. I thought I was getting a golf.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, I'm in dirty sweatpants and a dirty hoodie. Bad hair, like, just like I've seen you. Yeah. And they took a picture and then hung that on the wall of the guy. The guy took pictures of every sale.

[H. Foley]

At the used car place.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Like you're a celebrity, like John Travolta eating pizza. No.

[Kevin Ryan]

Every deal he closed, he took a picture of you, printed it out, and put it on the wall.

[H. Foley]

Whoa.

[Kevin Ryan]

And some girl came, and she goes, kevin, I know where this is. Like, months later, she goes, kevin, I know where you bought you, like, a cool girl at school. Kevin, I know where you bought your.

[H. Foley]

Car and your sweatpants.

[Kevin Ryan]

I clearly had semen on them. Yeah, it was. It was tough. No, he bought me the car so I couldn't be really like you. When it's your stepdad, you don't really have, like, a, hey, fuck you, you have to love me kind of. You know what I mean? Like, I'm yours type deal. It's like, this is a decision we've all decided to make work.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

You know, and he wanted his 80s. I remember 86. And then he yelled at me too. If. If you change the brake pads when I tell you wouldn't have to replace the rotors. Easy does it.

[H. Foley]

The rotor.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's the thing that the brake pads.

[H. Foley]

Exactly.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Ain't getting fixed.

[Kevin Ryan]

Tell you that much.

[H. Foley]

I'll put the windshield wiper fluid in there.

[Kevin Ryan]

Feel like.

[H. Foley]

I feel like a real man.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[H. Foley]

That's about it.

[Kevin Ryan]

That did make you feel like.

[H. Foley]

Oh, yeah. That. And clean up the. Clean out the ashtray.

[Kevin Ryan]

Let me take a look at this. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

I poke around a little bit.

[Kevin Ryan]

And I remember my buddy was trying to sell us. Sell me a car one time. And we popped the hood and we were looking around. My stepdad was looking around, standing there, acting like a man. And he gets. It's a sales. He goes. The ones you. The ones you got to stay on top of a lot of them. You can see they're clear, like the fluid levels.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

You can change yourself or should change yourself and maintain. You can see, like the windshield washer fluid.

[H. Foley]

Oil.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oil. I guess you can't really antifreeze all that other stuff. Like the clear one.

[H. Foley]

Brake fluid.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure. The ones that you can see, you know, they're in a clear thing. Like you're supposed to track them. I went, Ah, that's pretty good. Did you take. Know your car?

[H. Foley]

Did I what?

[Kevin Ryan]

Take no, your car.

[H. Foley]

Take. No. My car. The hell are you talking about?

[Kevin Ryan]

That was a class they offered in school. Not my school.

[H. Foley]

No, we had to take a class at the community college for like a couple of Saturdays to get your insurance lowered. But that was more like make a left turn, right turn. How to drive safe.

[Kevin Ryan]

We did Duncan's.

[H. Foley]

Duncan's.

[Kevin Ryan]

Duncan's Driver's Ed.

[H. Foley]

Any munchkins involved in this?

[Kevin Ryan]

I told you, the guy took me. I thought I got. We were just. I was just running the guy's errands with him. It was norms. I took norms. Drivers like norms.

[H. Foley]

Oh, I never did one of those.

[Kevin Ryan]

And we would, like, pick up his dry cleaning and, like, drop it off at his mother's house. And I remember being inside someone's house.

[H. Foley]

Hey, you're really killing it, Norm. Shout out to someone's house. What are you talking about? One of those cars with the two wheels that. I would never get one of those.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't think he had two wheels. I think it was World War I. I think it was just. I think he had the break.

[H. Foley]

Never that dumbass thing on top Trying.

[Kevin Ryan]

To get laid out here, dude, Like a real rookie. Trying to. Yeah. Can we go to another town where I got a repto key?

[H. Foley]

Stop shorting. You grabbing your balls.

[Kevin Ryan]

Jerking myself. Hey, what do you say we move this party to the back seat? They go to make out points.

[H. Foley]

Those are always the shittiest cars.

[Kevin Ryan]

Nothing on that. I take them to make out point Lovers Lane. It's all right. All right, let's get through this one and then we gotta wrap it up.

[H. Foley]

All right.

[Kevin Ryan]

I crashed a car. A buddy owed me money. Took his 98 Range Rover. Not bad.

[H. Foley]

What? Wait, he took his 98 Range Rover?

[Kevin Ryan]

Huh? Wait, his. But I crashed a car?

[H. Foley]

Uh huh. Your buddy owed you?

[Kevin Ryan]

His buddy? Owed him money.

[H. Foley]

Instead, he gave him a car.

[Kevin Ryan]

I guess he was like, hey, I need my. I crashed my car. I need money.

[H. Foley]

Right?

[Kevin Ryan]

I guess he didn't have it, so he took his 98 Range Rover. That means you got it.

[H. Foley]

Who the are these people? The Halliburtons. That's nuts. A Range Rover.

[Kevin Ryan]

And I think those drop drastically in value if they're like 10 years old. I mean, I don't know what year this was.

[H. Foley]

Never been in one either.

[Kevin Ryan]

Have I been in a Land Rover.

[H. Foley]

Look at you.

[Kevin Ryan]

My boy's mom had a really old one like this. Feels like you were in a safari. You were sitting way too high.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Let me borrow it for the weekend.

[H. Foley]

I feel like you were filming a video for men at work or something.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, just didn't. I took it down the shore. I needed a card. He's like, you can take my mom's Land Rover. I was like, I. This is how uncultured I was. I didn't know that the wheel was.

[H. Foley]

On the other side.

[Kevin Ryan]

I didn't know. They were nice cars. Like, I didn't know. The brand sure is a reputable. I never. No one. I knew how to Land Rover. What I had heard of Range Rover America, but you know, from like rap songs and shit. But I took it down the shore. It was the first week Nadine came to visit me. And we took that down the shore because I was gonna have to rent a car.

[H. Foley]

And I don't think driving somebody else's car.

[Kevin Ryan]

I drove my boy's mom's car.

[H. Foley]

What the.

[Kevin Ryan]

Down the shore for the weekend, man.

[H. Foley]

Now look at you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Father. I parked out front. My uncle. I was staying at my uncle's house. I stayed at my cousin. This is how bad I was. I borrowed. I borrowed my buddy's mom's car to get down the shore to stay at my cousin's house because they were out of town for the weekend. The big guy's house. The big, nice house. Big, nice house on the shore. NFL player. Yeah, nice, nice property.

[H. Foley]

Like a Land Rover out front.

[Kevin Ryan]

And my uncle went, whose Land Rovers outside? I went, I didn't know. I went, oh, that's. That's mine. He goes. And this is when it all hit me.

[H. Foley]

He was still your stepdad. 86.

[Kevin Ryan]

He looked at me and twitted. He goes, who the gave you a Land Rover? And I went, well, these are pretty nice cars. I take Queen of England. All right. Took his 98 Range Rover. Damn thing tried to kill me multiple times. Brakes went out three different times for three different reasons. And each time my foot went to the floor and I had to pull the handbrake to not die. That's a scary feeling when you hit the floor and you're still cooking. Car locks itself, apparently they will never unlock unless you get a new key and matching computer. I just ripped the computer out and bypassed the key in that process I found you can literally pull one of the windows out to any 97 to 2000 Range Rover with your bare hands from the outside. It caught fire twice. Ended up cleaning it up and selling it for three grand to some poor bastard. I literally ran away from the sale just in case the truck exploded and he wanted his money back.

[H. Foley]

My bad.

[Kevin Ryan]

Talk about paying it off to the next getting out of Dodge, baby.

[H. Foley]

I love it.

[Kevin Ryan]

I respect the out of it.

[H. Foley]

Jesus.

[Kevin Ryan]

But we gotta wrap it up, gang.

[H. Foley]

What a fun one, gang. Yeah, we love you. See you next week.

[Kevin Ryan]

Peace.