Turning Up the Heat! w/ Ian Fidance

Summary

ARE YOU GARBAGE? – "Turning Up the Heat!" w/ Ian Fidance
Episode Date: March 9, 2026
Hosts: Kevin Ryan & H. Foley
Guest: Ian Fidance

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Episode Overview

In this raucous, off-the-rails installment, Foley and Kevin welcome back crowd favorite—and self-described “odd guy”—comedian Ian Fidance. The trio riff relentlessly about tattoos, birthdays, bad parties, trashy habits, and what really counts as feeling “classy.” With equal parts affectionate roast, confessional, and pure mayhem, the episode delivers what AYG fans expect: hilarious, brutally honest explorations of what makes someone “garbage,” with a lot of love just beneath the swearing and insults.

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Key Topics & Highlights

1. Ian’s “Back Piece” and Tattoo Antics

[02:16] – [09:02]

• Ian arrives late, explaining he was up all night getting a “back piece” tattoo, spanning “from my shoulders down to my ass.”
• Foley and Kevin immediately go in on the tattoo:
  • "Would you get a butterfly tramp stamp?" — Foley [02:44]
  • Ian shares it’s a grim reaper holding a woman: “Death is always on my back, and women will be the death of me.” [08:32]
• Ian faints during the session, admits he’s bandaged up and can’t dress well:
  • “Sweatshirt, sweatpants. Bad idea. Sweating already.” — Ian [11:09]

2. Ian’s New Show: “Odd Guy Doing Odd Jobs”

[03:03] – [04:15], [53:41] – [55:38]

• Ian talks up his YouTube series:
  • “Partnered with YMH… been filming it out of pocket for a year… best fans in the world.” [03:49]
  • Episodes range from being a wrestling “heel” to working as a pit boss at a BBQ joint and oyster farming.
• “It’s not a podcast. It’s an old-school TV show. The only TV show on Spotify Video.” — Ian [53:53]
• Episode stories: Tattoo licensed in Wisconsin ([55:01]), oyster farming in Maine ([55:20]), BattleBots, canine training, Sicilian pizza [55:38].

3. Gifts, Inside Jokes & Trashy Banter

[10:14] – [11:08]

• Ian gifts Kippy a baby blanket ("Little Prince of Garbage") and Foley a cat-themed trinket.
• Jokes about re-gifting and swapping trashy shirts and habits.
• Endless poking fun at each other's weight, fashion, and life choices:
  • "You look like a homeless guy getting a job interview." — Kevin [05:52]

4. The Debate: Miserable Birthday Parties

[15:17] – [28:09]

• Kevin and Foley discuss Foley’s sad work/friends dinner; Ian equally admits to not having a proper birthday bash.
• "My friend... Threw me a birthday party at a bowling alley." — Ian [28:37]
• Sobriety comes up:
  • “In early sobriety, it... I'd cool it on the drinks around the guy for a minute.” — Ian [26:04]
• They plan a future joint celebration—maybe bowling, maybe Medieval Times ([32:41]).

5. Comics Unleashed Appearance & Behind-the-Scenes

[16:50] – [24:33]

• Ian shares tales from taping "Comics Unleashed":
  • Mispronunciation, botched intros, awkward handshakes.
  • Wild anecdote about a fellow guest sharing a family AIDS scare on air:
    • “The producer dropped her clipboard, runs out... she goes, ‘I think I blacked out’...” — Ian [24:01]

6. New York Heat & Trash Living

[13:31] – [14:13]

• The trio bicker about the overbearing heat in the studio/apartment.
• Ian: “Why is the heat so hot in here though? For real? It's like crazy.” [13:27]
• Foley invokes Spanish Flu-era heating and rent control lore; Ian calls out his decades-old living arrangement and “squatter’s rights.” ([12:58])

7. Rat Lung and Trashy “Dares”

[44:03] – [46:29]

• Ian recalls eating (or rather biting and spitting) a slug as a young carpenter on a dare—sidetracking into rat lungworm disease and nearly “talking himself into a coma”:
  • “If I ate it, I would have went into a coma and died… rat lung, happened to a kid in Australia.” — Ian [44:43]

8. Feeling "Classy" and Life as an Adult

[49:05] – [49:15]

• Ian, when pressed for "rich" feelings:
  • “Smoking a cigarette in bed… makes me feel alive, like a real adult. Or putting a bow tie on my cat and sharing a meal.”
• Hosts: “I gotta push back. I think on both of them…” [49:18]

9. Randomized Roasting & Memorable Jabs

Throughout

• Styles/hats:
  • "Do you have to get out of here? Because you have fifth grade picture day after this?" — Ian to Foley [19:18]
• Sweat:
  • "Put a T-shirt on... Also, a collared shirt with sweatpants and Timbs is a wild choice." — Kevin [35:25]
• “You look like a Hasidic Jew in hiding.” — Foley [37:37]
• "Haystacks Calhoun" — running joke on wrestler/lookalike [37:25]

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• “Death is always on my back and women will be the death of me.” – Ian, describing his back tattoo ([08:32])
• “Smoking a cigarette in bed… makes me feel alive, like a real adult.” – Ian ([49:05])
• “You look like a homeless guy getting a job interview” – Kevin to Ian ([05:52])
• “I bit it in half. Spit it out. Thank God, because if I ate it, I would have went into a coma and died because I would have gotten rat lung.” – Ian ([44:43])
• “That was the first joke I made, telling me what he was like… I’m bisexual, and when you look like me, the crowd was like, ah. And Byron [Allen] was like, pause. It was no bueno.” – Ian on Comics Unleashed ([17:02])
• “Let’s Ian do it.” – Group consensus on planning brunch ([58:12])

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Episode Timeline: Key Segments

| Time | Segment/Topic | |----------------|------------------------------------------------------| | 00:00–01:15 | Merch plug, show intro, shout-outs | | 01:15–03:03 | Ian’s intro, tattoo story begins | | 03:03–04:15 | Ian’s show “Odd Guy Doing Odd Jobs”—background | | 04:46–13:32 | Roundtable: fashion, weight, old jobs, living trashy | | 15:17–28:09 | Birthdays, friendships, sobriety | | 16:50–24:33 | Comics Unleashed: TV tales, live audience antics | | 32:41–36:42 | Birthday plans: bowling, Medieval Times, roller skate| | 44:03–46:29 | Ian’s slug-eating bet, “rat lung” | | 49:05–49:15 | “Classy” feelings: cigarettes in bed, cats in bowties| | 53:41–55:38 | Ian recaps Odd Jobs episodes, plugs YMH partnership | | 56:07–end | Lunch spots, Good & Plenty candy, wrap-up, love-fest |

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Tone, Style, and Takeaways

• Authentic Trashy Banter: No holds barred, roast-heavy tone, but the camaraderie and genuine affection are palpable.
• Ian as “Odd Guy”: Embraces his eccentric persona, loving cats, doing “odd jobs,” proud of being both “classy” and “garbage.”
• Fans of the Show: Will appreciate inside jokes (sweaty shirts, CPAP banter, “back pieces”) and rapport.
• Key Takeaway: The most “garbage” thing might be thinking you aren’t, and “classiness” is in the eye of the beholder—even if that just means sharing a smoke in bed with a cat in a bowtie.

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Ian Fidance: “Come on, I'm Ian. One of the things we've talked about recently and we've been talking to guests and, you know, you're, you know, wacky guy, kooky guy. What is one of the things that you might do... that makes you feel classy and, like, rich?... Smoking a cigarette in bed. Makes me feel alive, like a real adult.” ([49:05])

Kevin/Foley: “We should do brunch. Let's Ian do it.” ([58:09])

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For more trashy tales, check out Ian’s “Odd Guy Doing Odd Jobs” on YouTube, and follow the “Are You Garbage?” crew for more hilariously unfiltered conversations.

Transcript

[A]

Merch alert, baby. Merch alert. Merch alert. Merch alert. The quality has gone through the roof. As they say, hooking. Gang, do yourself a favor, get over to rugarbage.com. we got hats, we got shirts, got mugs, we got keychains, we got.

[B]

We got. We got wall art, we got paintings you can buy. Go check it out. Are you garbage.com? limited supply list. Do it.

[A]

Yeah. Hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is are you garbage?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

It's that little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that if they grew up to be class, Just a big old piece of trash.

[B]

Garbage.

[A]

I'm your host, J. Trolly. Coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here with tooties in the new edition. She's got worms

[B]

short and sweet. Baby to the punch, Mike co is

[A]

coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of Are you garbage? He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world. Give it up for KJ Kevin James.

[B]

Ah, thank you very much, Henry. Shout out to everybody for tuning in. We fucking love yous. Please make sure you review subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify. And the boys are climbing the charts. Get your fucking Warner ladders out and start climbing the charts. Then obviously, the greatest website of all time. Www.patreon.com garbage, you over there and get all that bonus content, gang.

[A]

We got the merch, we got the new merch, we got the tickets on sale, got the patreon, the bad haircut. And we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest back with us again today. He's goddamn family at this point and he's got a brand new series over there on YouTube that absolutely no one is talking about. But they should be.

[B]

That's a dickhead.

[C]

I'm sorry, what kind of intro is that?

[B]

That's mean. That's very mean.

[A]

Give it up for Ian Jonah Hill. Sometimes finance, everybody.

[C]

Thank you, everybody.

[A]

Thank you. Are you just gonna Safdie's brothers movie?

[B]

What?

[C]

Fuck, you're starting already.

[A]

No, I'm not.

[C]

Listen, Foley. Foley's a little on edge because he broke his c. CPAP machine and he hasn't gotten a good night's sleep since the Reagan administration came in.

[B]

That thing looks like table's wobbling. That thing looks like an overhead projection.

[C]

You're leaning on it. Jesus Christ.

[B]

It's actually a brand new Day. Brand new.

[A]

Goddamn brand new table.

[B]

And he broke it again.

[A]

Ian, thank you for coming in.

[C]

Thank you, guys.

[A]

Fantastic.

[C]

I feel fantastic.

[B]

Didn't.

[A]

You were an hour late and you were bitching that you didn't want to come out.

[C]

That's. I said I didn't want to come out. But I didn't sleep because I got my back piece done last night. I was at the tattoo shop.

[B]

Is that what you call it? What? That. You're not gonna give me that?

[C]

We're gonna do this.

[A]

That's what they're called getting come down these days. Hey, I'm into it.

[C]

You know, that's how you heal the tattoo. No, I got my back piece done last night. I was in the shop.

[B]

How many times he's gonna say back piece?

[C]

Yeah, that's what it's called. That's what it's called.

[A]

Would you get a butterfly tramp stamp?

[B]

No, it's.

[C]

It's. It goes from my shoulders down to my ass covering my. My whole entire back.

[B]

Did they knock you out for this?

[C]

The fucking red dragon wide. I got Holy's face said you don't have enough real estate. We're going to wrap it around to the front.

[B]

It's to scale.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

It's one to one.

[A]

It's got a brand new series on YouTube. Everybody's excited about it. Congratulations.

[C]

I'm.

[A]

It's odd guy doing odd E. Ian

[C]

do an odd guy doing odd job.

[B]

Ian loves putting his name in things.

[C]

Which it's. It's. It's good marketing. They.

[A]

They.

[C]

And Foley loves putting his name in things. Are you garbage?

[B]

And we're back.

[C]

Anyway, the show is great and it's so fun.

[A]

We're excited to be here.

[B]

Is it doing well? Looks like it's doing well.

[C]

It's doing great. It's doing great. Partnered with ymh.

[A]

They're losing money.

[C]

They are. I heard they're out bleeding money. You gotta watch. You gotta share. If it doesn't pop up in a little bit, bye bye. Funding and dude, it's so funny because I talked about it on here.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And we were like, oh, God. Wife. I've been working on it for a year. I've been filming it out of pocket for a year. And thank you out there to the AYG fans. Best fans in the world. You guys were messaging me, emailing me. And I got out to some jobs because of the pod that contacted me. And I've been out and then now I have a ton of people hit me up. I just put out an episode today where I did terrify all these people. All these people.

[B]

I mean, just.

[C]

I'm a man of the people.

[A]

Who doesn't love you.

[B]

I did.

[C]

Thank you. The guy in my mirror. I am going to. I'm going to partner up with AEW All Elite Wrestling, and I'm going to go and.

[B]

Very nice.

[A]

Is that the one Billy Corgan owns?

[C]

I don't know.

[B]

I don't think so.

[C]

I. Anyway, I just.

[A]

He owns a wrestling thing. I don't know. Sorry. All right.

[C]

Well, you don't have to bring him up just because I look like a rat in a cage.

[B]

That's pretty good.

[C]

Can I tell you, today is the greatest day.

[A]

What's up with the.

[C]

What's going on with the beard?

[A]

You're a little fluffy.

[C]

Is it.

[B]

It's just. It's just thick. It's thicker than usual.

[C]

I've been debating if I should trim it down and I'm worried about doing it heavier.

[A]

Very young. Spielberg.

[B]

I'm saying. That's rich. What?

[A]

What?

[C]

You called me heavy.

[B]

I said heavier. I didn't say you look heavy.

[A]

He's probably skinnier than you now. Are you. What do you weigh?

[C]

1.

[B]

This is a fat suit.

[C]

71.

[A]

What do you weigh?

[B]

What the Is this? No, like 205.

[C]

That's good.

[B]

Yeah, I know.

[C]

How much have you lost?

[A]

This must be my guy.

[B]

What the. I thought we were. I were sandbagging it. What do you weigh?

[A]

I weigh 370.

[B]

Yeah, well, you weigh.

[C]

You weigh 205, but you're not counting that 370 tumor you've attached to you.

[B]

Mine grew hair and teeth. Well, just hair, actually. If you zoom in, there's no teeth. They say Ian look like he got dressed in his.

[C]

Yeah, I

[B]

got Kosh.

[A]

How did you get that shirt?

[C]

I got a found.

[B]

Boom.

[C]

Got haywire. Boston Hardcore all day.

[B]

They're great.

[C]

You should check them out. Fantastic. I did an interview.

[B]

You're dressed like a homeless guy getting a job interview.

[C]

Well, why do you think I'm here, Right? He looks like I'm literally looking for job.

[B]

Does anybody have a collared shirt? I can. You look.

[A]

You look like. You look like a brilliant homeless guy

[B]

that's about to beat me in chest

[A]

turn MIT on its head.

[C]

I know I look like I play like the violin on the street. And then, you know, I get to the actual concert. I'm just yelling slurs. I have to wear sweatpants and a sweatshirt and have it breathe because my back is covered in bandages.

[B]

Fuck is happening.

[C]

Jesus. Get the cpap. By the way, he's on the phone like a. Like a fucking auctioneer trying to negotiate his CPAP.

[A]

He's like, CPAP 900, 400 fixed income.

[B]

900 is not a lot of money for the machine that keeps you alive. That's crazy talking about you. You spent that alone on cold cuts this month.

[C]

Yeah, I know. Well, the thing keeps breaking because instead of water, you're putting grease in it.

[B]

My deep fryer is broken. You're on the phone with Fry Daddy.

[C]

I heard the guy go, Mr. Foley, it's not an air fryer.

[A]

It ruined my chicken wings.

[B]

No, I got. I'm not losing any weight either.

[C]

I got to have breathable clothes. Cuz my collared shirt.

[A]

What are you talking about?

[C]

It's a. It's a.

[B]

It's large. Where'd you get the. Where'd you get the collared shirt? You didn't. That's. That's.

[C]

I have a ton of collared shirts in the summertime.

[A]

You know, when I drove a cab in the 1970s, nobody reacts.

[B]

You know, I'm not accusing you of not having collared shirts. Please. That collared shirt. Please. Is very dated.

[C]

Please. Yes. In the summers I wear.

[A]

See the back?

[C]

And it's covered in bandages because I was going to. I was going to shower this morning and come all ready to show, but I slept through my alarm because I was up all night in pain. Going to the bathroom because I need to be full of fluids to keep my skin breathing. It's a whole process. Shout out Tony Kaplan, R and D Tattoo.

[B]

The best.

[C]

The only kind of deal shop in

[A]

New York give you a deal, obviously.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Look at you, huh? There was no CPAP machine, but he hooked me up.

[B]

I don't get it.

[A]

Because you wouldn't be shouting them out if he didn't.

[C]

No, no, I shot them. Well, yeah, they give me.

[B]

Yeah, they give me.

[C]

No, I've been going to the shop for like five years, so I'm all buds with them. No, I'm like, I'm the tumor and.

[B]

No, they're great.

[C]

They do great work. They're the best shop in town. They're. They're better than everyone else. Reasonable prices, fantastic work.

[B]

You might as well be reading for

[C]

R and D Tattoo. Ridgewood cr.

[A]

Queens. Yes.

[C]

Yes. Go out and see him and tell him your old pal Ian sent you. Yeah. Now check it out. Oh, what's.

[A]

Let me see.

[B]

Holy. Yeah, dude, that better be henna.

[A]

It looks like the Red Dragon.

[C]

Four and a half hours.

[B]

You Got a lady with a set of canes on it.

[C]

I know. I had to make them make her boobs less big. But you see, it's a grim reaper holding a woman. Because the death is always on my back and women will be the death of me.

[A]

What?

[B]

Talk about a guy looking for an identity. That's crazy.

[C]

What are you talking about? I've been wanting. I've been wanting a back piece forever.

[B]

Back piece? Count it.

[C]

I'm covered in tattoos from the front lot.

[A]

Are you going to get that colored in or whatever?

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's like a process. Four and a half hours. I pass out at the end. Fainted.

[B]

So did he. All I got conversation part of the show.

[C]

No, I. I watched a movie and facetimed and stuff. Yeah, Look. Is that great?

[A]

Yeah. A little butt crack too.

[C]

Thanks. I know.

[A]

Open for business.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Yes. And then. And then underneath the. The smoke they're gonna put exit only.

[A]

Is that true?

[C]

I'm off, guys.

[A]

All right.

[C]

And I don't bottom.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I don't.

[A]

I do a good time.

[C]

Can I tell you, I finally ate she crab soup. I thought of you.

[A]

Nice.

[C]

Amazing.

[A]

Amazing. Where'd you.

[B]

Incredible.

[C]

Grand Central Newark.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Grand Central Oyster Bar.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. It's a good spot over there.

[C]

I went on a date. It was nice. We went to the Whispering Tunnel. And then we also was butthole went to.

[B]

Train coming every nine minutes. Don't touch me. Give me back. You guys stink.

[A]

Woo.

[B]

All right. Huh.

[C]

He lost the weight, but not the timing. Let's go. Speaking of things that you have and you. Whatever this is, remember I bought you a Christmas gift.

[A]

Now what do you have to show us Here.

[C]

I bought you.

[A]

This is some of your skin. I'm gonna be upset.

[C]

Finally. It finally arrived.

[B]

My bandages for my back piece.

[C]

And this is what I got for kj. It's a. Oh, it was a gift for the baby.

[A]

Chappie wrap. Huh?

[B]

Okay. Your coffee has a hair in it, by the way. I visibly see that.

[C]

That's mine. Yeah.

[A]

That's so cute.

[C]

Phillies colors. And it says what?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

When I open it up, it says little.

[C]

Little Prince of Garbage.

[B]

Oh, that's very nice.

[C]

And I can't go empty handed for the big man.

[B]

No.

[A]

So I got you something at Ridgewood Tattoos.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

I got you a gift number for a back piece for you with the cat.

[B]

That's very nice.

[C]

So then when the cat's not around, you can look at a picture.

[A]

Thanks.

[B]

That was in his. He packaged this up. That was at your house?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That was for sure.

[A]

Catnip in it.

[C]

It's a re.

[A]

Gift.

[B]

That's very nice. Thank you.

[A]

Yeah, thanks.

[C]

Sweatshirt, sweatpants. Bad idea. Sweating already?

[B]

Yeah. You're like breathable material. You show up looking like you're cut and wait for a wrestling.

[A]

Yeah, take yourself well.

[C]

You're the one calling me heavy.

[B]

I said you like your shirt. I said you'll look.

[A]

I don't want you hot the whole episode. Take your pants off.

[B]

No, I'm.

[C]

I'm trying to wear breathable clothing so I don't have to.

[A]

There's nothing about that that's.

[B]

You have multiple layers.

[C]

It's loose, It's.

[B]

Yeah, but it's. That's not really breathable.

[A]

You guys fiber the fabric.

[C]

Fucking heat on.

[A]

You know anything about fashion?

[C]

Are you that rich? You just run the heater up.

[B]

First of all, Foley. Foley went back to bluebell. Came home with it with this summer collection on. Dude, that thing, that shirt.

[C]

Where'd you just get back from surfing camp?

[B]

It's got cabana. Where the hell is this?

[A]

Is. This is 2019 George?

[C]

No, that's an 89 Caldor. Okay.

[A]

Yeah, they fit.

[C]

Barely. Yeah, this is from the neon tent collection.

[B]

They don't open. Oh, my God.

[A]

Got this from yeti. Thanks, boys.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yep, yep. Two people had to put it on me.

[A]

You gonna be hot?

[C]

Yeah, I might in a little bit. It's all right.

[B]

Pop the top off.

[C]

I didn't know. I don't know why you guys run the heat so hot in here.

[A]

We don't. It's New York City.

[B]

I mean, what are you.

[C]

This is crazy.

[A]

Just because you're heat radiator. Years ago.

[C]

It was in Dec. It wasn't cut off.

[B]

It broke.

[A]

Really?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

How many letters did this city get into?

[A]

You probably milked a couple with the landlord.

[C]

With the landlord's boyfriend, who's a maintenance guy. We got into it.

[A]

You've been living there for like 20 years.

[C]

I know. Why do you think my rent is?

[B]

It's called squatters rights.

[C]

Yeah, you get. You know, you. You know, you're there for a month, you get mail sent to you, it's yours.

[B]

Yeah, no, he's quoting some law from 1432. Actually, in the providence of New Amsterdam. It was where you lay your head.

[C]

This land was promised to me.

[A]

He's in there quoting Vicus Gordon Wood. All right.

[B]

I wish that joke would have worked.

[A]

It should have. You guys suck today.

[C]

No, we don't.

[A]

Yeah, you stepped on my Red Dragon joke.

[C]

Because you Tried it over there now.

[A]

I didn't try it over there. I was doing my cpap.

[C]

Why is it heat so hot in here though? For real? It's like crazy.

[B]

I might have to crack a door.

[C]

It is Luke. It is crazy.

[B]

Also, all that ink could be sopping into your brain and you could be having a struggle.

[C]

I'm getting.

[B]

It's not good.

[A]

Listen, by the way.

[B]

Huh.

[A]

Tattoo flu.

[C]

Yeah, you could get tattoo fluor like

[B]

after you get a back piece.

[C]

A couple days after you get a big tattoo.

[B]

Sick. Hey, will you zip it for a second?

[C]

Can you tell me what is the heat on currently? Listen, I guarantee like 70.

[A]

Said it. It's a radiator. In 1918 there was a huge Spanish flu and they cranked the heat and you don't have control over it.

[B]

What? Yeah, that's why the heat sell hot. What?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Because of the Spanish flu?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Why? Because they were cold.

[A]

Table man.

[C]

Ask as Google if if heat if radiators in New York run hot because of the Spanish flu. And if that's the case, I will suck your dick on camera as Google

[A]

if he can come pick up.

[B]

Ian. Ian. Did you have more teeth put in on the bottom? What's going on?

[C]

Oh, it looks like there's an earthquake in a graveyard.

[B]

Holy shit.

[A]

Earthquake in a graveyard. That's pretty good.

[C]

Henry Foley on the board?

[B]

Yeah, that's too specific for that to be wrong.

[C]

All right, whip it out.

[B]

You also prob probably knew that. You probably told him last week.

[C]

Check the receipts.

[B]

Hey, if your CPAP's broken, I'll blow you right now. I don't do guys no more.

[C]

If you're dressed like a fat extra in a 1990s Disney movie about surfing, I'll blow you.

[A]

You can't surf the Big Tuna, man. I'm the guy that hangs it on the beach, but doesn't serve if you're

[C]

waiting for a callback on a remake of Heavyweights. I'll blow you.

[A]

Stop being a dick, Ben Stiller.

[B]

I mean that is a. I mean it is a wild color choice for a 50 year old man. That's all I'm saying.

[C]

Are you 50?

[A]

50?

[C]

No.

[A]

Just had my birthday. When?

[B]

Last week.

[A]

Last week?

[C]

That's a birthday gift.

[B]

Happy birthday. Your cat's day.

[C]

Happy birthday. Look at all the bad choices you made.

[B]

Dude, we talked. What we talked about on Patreon. We went out to dinner. Dude, his birthday party sucked so bad.

[C]

What happened?

[B]

It was me, him, new guy, Luke. Mark the shark.

[C]

The new editor was a fucking work Party

[B]

off. And Cassidy.

[A]

Those are my friends.

[C]

Where the fuck was my.

[A]

I called you and you didn't answer.

[C]

When was this?

[A]

Last year. What? I've called you twice and you didn't answer.

[C]

I've always called you back.

[A]

Yeah, like five days later.

[C]

Because I'm busy stealing from my landlord. Yeah, I am busy with a lot of schemes. So it was a. It was a work party.

[A]

Not a work party.

[B]

He doesn't have a lot of. He's not. He's not a social butterfly.

[C]

Dude, can I tell you, my friend, can I tell you, moments like that is so sad. I got arrested and my call was to the seller to tell them I couldn't make my spot because I can't make my 145.

[A]

But I still need the 50 pay

[B]

and I'll be by to pick up my wings. Dude, what was like once I posted fail. Shut up and laugh at that. That was the funniest thing you've ever heard.

[C]

Who else is gonna. Who else am I gonna call? Cats can't pick up a phone, man.

[B]

I am surrounded by.

[A]

By the way, you just did Comics Unleashed.

[C]

I did. Thank you, Byron.

[B]

Somebody should have put you back on a leash. Thank you, Stink. Thank you.

[C]

Thank you, Byron Allen. Dude, what was your.

[B]

What was your lead in?

[A]

I heard one of you did a cat story.

[C]

Yeah, I talked about cats. I talked about being single.

[A]

I say the lady you were on there with didn't seem amused by it.

[B]

Yo, let me pull this.

[C]

It was up because we sat down and they told me, how do you spell Ian? I was going, like, third. And he starts his show and he looks at me and he calls me some other guy. Well, dude, I made a joke.

[B]

You want a DL?

[C]

I made a joke. I was like. I. I think I said, like, I'm. I'm bisexual. And when you look like me,

[B]

like,

[C]

the crowd was like, ah. And Byron was like, pause. It was no bueno.

[A]

Do that freaky deaky over here.

[B]

You do whatever you want in your house. You clean it up.

[C]

Dude, I tried. I tried to shake his hand. He wouldn't. I was like, jesus Christ. I've been tested.

[B]

He gives you a pound. Not Playboy.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Washington in Philadelphia. Hold on. Let's watch it. Hold on.

[A]

Did you drink out of this?

[C]

Anyway, right?

[B]

On this episode of. Greg Morton in Finance, I'm really trying to pump up Jay.

[C]

I. I jumped up in the air and did the WWF suck?

[B]

It's. And they edited tonight on the show, Ian Finance in no way affiliated with NBC Productions. That's funny. What's a. What's a gig like that pay? Tonight on Comics Unleashed, you got Ben Glebe, Glegg Morton, Ian Fydance, and Vanessa Gradic.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

What's. What's a gig like that pay?

[C]

Not enough. For being the richest. For being the richest man in the world, sure. Byron Allen owns the Weather Channel as well.

[A]

He kills it.

[B]

Dude, that'd be a Jewish guy anymore. Okay, wow.

[C]

Getting brave, getting bold.

[A]

You're not bottoming anymore?

[C]

No. Well, I do bottom from the top, Byron. And what that means is I showed that.

[A]

Hold on a second. I gotta feed the fish real quick.

[C]

Oh, dude, that.

[B]

That was.

[C]

That was the first joke I made,

[B]

telling me what he was like. He was like.

[C]

He was like, you're from New York. And I go, I did that.

[A]

Here we're supposed to be ganging up on him. Dping him, as they say.

[C]

What is up with you?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

He's got the schoolyard bully vibes with that hat backwards.

[A]

Yeah, whatever.

[B]

Really?

[A]

My God, your mom last night.

[C]

Do you have to get out of here? Because you have fifth grade picture day after this.

[A]

I don't want to miss the Texas Tommies at lunch.

[B]

Go steal some nerds lunch money. Ian, by the way, give me. Give me everything you got.

[C]

Cover up the bottom teeth.

[A]

You look like a Hasidic Jew in hiding.

[C]

Well, that's why I'm late. I had to crawl out of the tunnel.

[A]

Bad for me. Bad for me. And we'll be back next week, everybody.

[C]

Byron. Come on now, gang.

[A]

Let's talk about aura frames. Now, you might have heard us mention aura frames before.

[B]

About 15 and times as being the

[A]

greatest gift you could possibly get somebody in your life. I'm going to tell you one more time. Got Mother's Day coming up, you got Father's Day coming up, I'm sure. You got birthdays, you got weddings, you got this, you got that. Do yourself a favor. Pick somebody up that you love and aura frame, and they will love you forever.

[B]

Yeah, dump all them cab, all them pictures of the kid, the cat, the dog, your wife, scantily clad, tasteful nudes. Whatever you got, you can dump on a frame. You can pre roll it, you can preload it for them. So when they get it, they open up, they plug it in. Holy shit, There's Gary Spread Eagle. Whatever you. Whatever you're doing, you got free unlimited storage. You can personalize your gift. You put a message, you can add a message before it arrives. The gift box is. Include the Gift box is included. You share your photos and videos effortlessly. You just download the app. Boom. Put them up. How you down? It was named number one by wirecutter. You can save on the perfect gift by giving by visiting or frames.com for a limited time Listeners can get 30 off their best selling carver Matt Frame Carver Matt. That's what I give the car Matt with the code garbage. That's Aura auraframes.com promo code garbage. Support the show by mentioning us and check out terms and conditions applied that gang.

[A]

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. As you know, Kevin and I have started and continue our mental health journeys.

[B]

It's a thing that's never over.

[A]

It's a thing that's never over. Talk therapy helps. BetterHelp is an absolute fantastic place to start. We love better help. If you're. If you got a big problem, you got a small problem, you just want to talk something out. BetterHelp can match you with a licensed therapist specifically to your needs.

[B]

Yes. And also it's a Take a time to celebrate women and all that they carry at work, relationships and family and the many roles they hold every day. March is international Women's day. And I got a new mom at the house. And it is love them broads. It is forever. It is forever changing how I view all the women in my life who are mothers. Not mothers, anything. It's very, you know, there's a lot of stress. A lot of. A lot goes on that I was not aware of. So our hat goes off to them broads out there. Shout out to you and listen. They need, you know, everybody. Mental health affects everybody. That's all I'm trying to say. So if somebody needs a little help. Yeah. Maybe nudge them in the right direction. Talk therapy is very cool. Your. Your emotional well being matters. Find support and find a light and feel lighter in therapy. Sign up and get 10 [e-mail] garbage. That's BetterHelp. H E L P.com garbage. Do it.

[A]

What was your joke about the fish tank?

[C]

Oh, I was like, yeah, I'm from New York and I actually. This fish tank's making me miss home. It's bigger than my apartment. And the crowd was like, no.

[B]

What was the joke?

[A]

Who's the crowd?

[B]

Come on.

[A]

No, you.

[C]

The crowd.

[B]

Your note.

[A]

Throw your laptop.

[C]

Not the fish tank. The crowd is paid audience members. They've been there since like, dude, they.

[A]

They just broke off the stage.

[C]

Money, Buku money.

[A]

Is it that Los Angeles?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Filling out now.

[C]

Sherman Oaks.

[A]

Yeah, Sherman Oaks. Yeah. So what's the crowd in the studio? Are they largely African American?

[C]

Why would that be, Foley?

[A]

More of an African American show, I would say, right? I think that's fair to say, ladies and gentlemen.

[B]

Yeah. I don't think that's crazy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, it's not.

[C]

I support the culture, but it's got a black hose. It doesn't mean it's an African.

[B]

Well, Greg Morton was African American.

[C]

Oh, and the girls.

[B]

The girl is African American. So statistically, there's.

[C]

So statistically, I'm the minority.

[A]

Then they got the weirdo white guy to round that, you know. You know. You're being set up.

[B]

Dude.

[C]

Can I tell you, I was in the makeup chair. Oh, my God. I was in the makeup chair.

[B]

And they were just for black guys.

[C]

They were like, four. I was like, come on, Chad.

[A]

He's got a hot comb in his hair.

[C]

Cover me up. Why ain't you got a color in my complexion? So we. We're in the makeup chair. We're in the back.

[B]

That.

[C]

It was running so late. Two hours late. I'm the last episode. You're right. It is an African American show. So, dude, this woman on camera went off script, and Byron goes. And she's like, this. This comic from Atlanta, and he goes off script and he goes, so you. You have a Interesting family. And she goes, byron, my brother is gay, and we think he has aids. Everyone's like, what? And the producer dropped her clipboard, runs out. And then the woman comes back after the show. She goes, oh, my God, I think I blacked out. And I just started talking. I was like, oh, you mean the AIDS thing? She was like, the AIDS thing?

[B]

I'm like, jesus, what's your mother's number, by any chance?

[C]

You know, I get tested and I'm clean.

[A]

What's the matter? This table is pushing forward.

[C]

Crazy Foley was right about the table. Why don't you dip into the CPAP fun and get a fucking fix on the table?

[B]

Well, I mean, fucking. You're lined up like you're doing the tush push. Yeah.

[C]

But also, do you really think the table's not gonna wobble when you're putting £500 on it every time you lean over and laugh?

[B]

Who.

[A]

That was mean.

[B]

First of all, I don't think he's laughed yet at anything you've said.

[A]

Up. Okay, we're good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what?

[B]

Keep that in.

[A]

Let him see how the sausage is made.

[B]

You guys got sausages? What? He pulls it out of his butt.

[A]

Have you ever been to Keens

[B]

who are you by Renown. What is keen? That was a crazy segue.

[A]

I'm trying to bring us back.

[B]

I know. That's where we went to dinner.

[A]

We went to dinner.

[B]

That's where. That's where Foley's bad birthday party was.

[C]

Why was it so bad?

[B]

It looked like Dave just birthday party or something. It was just like a bunch of old.

[C]

I've been to one of those.

[B]

I know. It's a bunch of old washed comics, dude.

[C]

So what?

[B]

Why.

[C]

Why was it.

[A]

Bad vibe.

[C]

Really?

[A]

You get out of here because I'm not drinking.

[C]

I know. I'm proud of you.

[A]

So these guys weren't really.

[B]

Now can I drink it?

[C]

Can I tell you? Bad move, knowing that you're with a guy who's teetering on the edge.

[A]

I'm not teetering on the edge. I'm fine. No, no.

[B]

I'll drink right now, dude. You think I can?

[C]

I'll show you. I don't got a problem. Bad move, drinking around them.

[A]

No, it's not.

[C]

I think in.

[A]

In early sobriety, I don't want that.

[C]

I know.

[A]

You don't enjoy themselves. That makes me weird. I want these guys to get up.

[C]

I know. I know. But in early sobriety, it. I'd cool it on the drinks around the guy for a minute.

[B]

Listen. Okay. No, see?

[A]

No. I told you without.

[C]

Without making you feel as if you were, like, the odd man. Just nobody feel like, just nobody order a drink, and then afterwards, maybe get a. Maybe get a drink.

[B]

Drink at the end.

[A]

That is so not us.

[B]

We drink, Ben.

[C]

And why was the vibe bad?

[A]

Because they weren't drinking enough.

[B]

No, no, no, dude. Before we left, he's like, don't do that thing. We're not fucking drinking because I'm not drinking. I'm like, all right, man. And, like, also, I'm gonna. You know, I'm gonna grab. Listen, he's yelling at me to drink. I'm.

[A]

This guy usually sucks down about 12 Manhattans every dinner. He's nursing one till dessert gets there.

[B]

I had one, and he was. We. He was weird.

[A]

I wasn't really.

[C]

Was he going like, drink, drink.

[B]

Don't put the guy. Don't don't not drink because. And then someone ordered, don't not drink because of me.

[C]

But I'm gonna make it all about me by telling you to drink.

[A]

I said it once. This is why.

[B]

You were twice.

[C]

Three times. I really wish I had been in my Raven days.

[A]

Huh?

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

You too. Did you guys run a show together?

[B]

No, I was never a Big fan of Ian. I found his comedy a little pedestrian.

[C]

Well, I found you to be a bit pedantic myself.

[A]

I.

[B]

You did?

[C]

You and I did. Didn't we have something with Paul Goodman?

[A]

Yeah, you ran no Che together, so

[B]

I'm like, I am not with him. No, you weren't. I wasn't. I never.

[C]

He had me like Mc Noche, and then, like, me.

[B]

You.

[C]

Finnell did something at some, like, lounge show once.

[B]

I don't recall that.

[C]

I would black me out, too.

[B]

I would forget looking like the Lion.

[C]

No, I wish I'd have been there. Did you invite me, or is this a little Foleyism?

[A]

You don't wish. You don't wish you would invite you?

[C]

Yeah, I'd have fixed the vibe.

[B]

Oh, I don't think so.

[C]

I'd have vibed it up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Going on Byron Allen next week.

[B]

Hey, what is leaving all you losers in the dust.

[C]

What's Keen's?

[A]

It's a steakhouse.

[C]

I did stay. I said Keen Steakhouse, and you went.

[A]

No, I didn't.

[C]

Someone said it.

[A]

I don't know what you're talking about.

[B]

Yeah, I really wish you. You could have changed the birthday with these vibes you got going.

[C]

Can I tell you something?

[A]

Tell us.

[C]

I didn't have a birthday party this year either.

[B]

How old did you turn?

[C]

41.

[B]

Yeah, you shouldn't.

[C]

I won last year.

[B]

Yeah, 40.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

My buddy.

[A]

I don't want to have one buddy. Awesome.

[C]

From anywhere. Threw me a birthday party at a bowling alley.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

We weren't invited to that.

[C]

It was up in Providence.

[A]

Oh, well, Providence, huh?

[B]

Because we were playing hardcore guys.

[C]

Only because we were playing Comedy Connection. Then this year, I. I actually this year, did you go and have a

[A]

hot dog at New York system?

[C]

Act like you don't know the name of the place.

[A]

Only New York System. I believe it's called no Great hot Dog in Providence.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

They also have coffee milk. I've told you about that coffee milk. It's. It's like Hershey syrup, but it's coffee. You get that, and you get a couple dogs with chili and onions and mustard.

[C]

This is the most locked in I've seen you all episode. I'll tell you.

[A]

I got you the sheet crab soup tonight.

[C]

Dude, that was incredible. Amazing.

[A]

How was the date?

[C]

I.

[B]

Great.

[A]

I banger.

[C]

Oh, buddy.

[B]

No,

[C]

it will happen.

[B]

We.

[C]

I said it was she crab soup, and she said she was she crab squirt.

[A]

Classy broad.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

What. What truck stop did you pick this lady up at, huh? Molly Pritchard. Shout Out. Bill has a deep cut. If you're on the NJ Turnpike. This guy knows his truck stops a little bit of a lot. Lizard toot.

[A]

Did you put it right back on the Long Island Railroad up there? After dinner, she put her hat back on.

[C]

I gotta get out of here.

[B]

Smacks him on the ass. All right, I'll see you later, kid.

[C]

Can we kiss? No. Yeah. No, Dave was great. It was awesome.

[B]

She.

[C]

Crab soup. Amazing. But dinner?

[B]

Come on. We split. It ran on the check.

[A]

My heat's broken.

[C]

No, we said, we gotta catch a train and we just left. No, of course I did. What do you. Oh, and then it was so nice, dude. We walked down to the subway and it was right after a snowstorm, and there were, you know those puddles that look like ice and you'll step in them sometimes? We were on the other side of the street ripping cigs, making bets on who would step up.

[B]

You and her go have some soup at a train station. Go out and smoke cigs.

[C]

Yeah, I kind of get this.

[B]

Is this as homeless as you get?

[C]

I love you, babe.

[A]

And then laugh at people stepping in puddles from across the street.

[C]

It's a New York date. What do you want? You know, I'm a class, class, classy, classic guy.

[A]

Rob's a soft pretzel guy to a

[B]

hot car vendor down the stairs.

[C]

Eight bucks for a hot dog. Suck my D. He pushed his cart

[A]

down the street and laughed when he chased us.

[C]

It was great. It was really fun.

[A]

Well, that's good. I'm glad you're finding love again.

[C]

Ah, well, I'm not saying that, you know.

[B]

What kind of Sigs did she smoke?

[C]

Mine.

[B]

Mar. Reds. Oh, she didn't have her own. Did you light the Sig for her?

[C]

Of course.

[B]

You like yours, hand it to her, then you do yours. That was the classiest.

[A]

Takes a bunch of hits off his.

[B]

Let me just make sure it's lit. Hold on, Let me just even out there. Cherry for you.

[C]

Is there poison in it? I gotta taste it, you know.

[B]

All right, I'll give you kills on this.

[C]

Kills on this. Let's call that the episode so people think we didn't bomb.

[B]

Well, we did. Now.

[C]

Now, my. The whole point of this.

[A]

What are you doing here?

[C]

Now it's a zip.

[B]

I don't know, but I'm not gonna like it.

[C]

It's a Zipix. It's a nicotine toothpick that's helping me cut back on cigarettes, but they won't sponsor me.

[B]

That is the dirt bat. The most trashy thing. Ever try? No, dude. They.

[C]

They won't sponsor taking a wet toothpick from you.

[B]

Nuts. That's.

[C]

We're not sharing it. Your figures have been in my pocket.

[B]

These things don't look seven years.

[A]

It looks like.

[B]

Try it now. My stepdad used to do Nicoderm. Anybody that I've ever dabbled with. Nick, no. Get the out of here.

[C]

What does it matter?

[A]

I don't like it.

[C]

Hey, let me go back to my original point. I didn't have a birthday party this year. You had a shit one. Let's combine redo fully in birthday party to dinner.

[B]

Let's go. Let's go in steakhouse and maybe pay my bill.

[C]

Let's go. What Lugers. You guys pay me eat. Leave buggy to hang out.

[B]

Let's go. Can I do the show again? I'll show up late. Do my show.

[C]

We can go bowling.

[A]

I don't want to do dinner anymore.

[B]

I don't want to do your show. Let's do it anymore. Let's do it.

[C]

Dude, you know, it would be fun if we went. If we went roller skating.

[B]

I will go.

[A]

I'll go. I don't know.

[B]

I'm for sure the best.

[C]

Dude. What if we went to Medieval Times? That would be a fun birthday.

[B]

That. What?

[A]

And filmed it for Ian's new show. Ian does.

[B]

We tried that.

[A]

That other people pay for.

[B]

They don't allow productions. They're owned by a huge corporation.

[A]

They don't.

[C]

Cable guy. Now let me tell you this. I think we really should have a joint.

[B]

This is your Shia LaBeouf interview.

[C]

Happens. Happens.

[B]

Are you in a gang, Ian? Yes. We'll call the Hasidics.

[A]

Shout out to five o' clock News. That was awesome. Yeah.

[C]

Oh, Andrew, he's the best interviewer. I think he's fantastic.

[B]

Yeah, he's really good.

[C]

God, I'd love to get him on the pod.

[B]

I wish he was here. You hear what I said, Foley?

[A]

Don't listen to me. And you're fantastic.

[C]

I'm not. Thank you.

[A]

I'm happy for you. You found love. You got your. You got your thing. You had some soup.

[B]

You got your tattoo going.

[A]

Are you in pain right now?

[B]

You got all those teeth. All right.

[C]

Teeth.

[A]

Here, borrow a couple of them.

[B]

You put his bottoms on your top.

[C]

They're not Renaissance or fall. I'm gonna take this off sweating. But we should really have.

[B]

We should have a friend's dinner. Yes. Do it one day when I'm out of town.

[C]

Hey, Dan, we should.

[A]

There you go. That changes the Whole look.

[B]

You look crazier.

[A]

You look like a young Jeffrey Green.

[C]

Do I look like a. A vampire who's also an accountant Mountain?

[B]

You look like a comic who's bombing.

[A]

Oh, dude.

[B]

You are covered in sweat. There's no way any of that. That's all polyester you got going on.

[A]

Hey, Richard Dreyfus.

[B]

I know. We're gonna need a bigger mic. Holy. Dude. Damn it.

[A]

How's the flux capacitor coming, pal?

[C]

I have a different shirt.

[A]

And you are nine different people. People. It's crazy.

[C]

You really are nine different people. Nine lives. I'm like a cat.

[B]

Take a picture of them. I'm mad.

[A]

I set you up for that. Man. Talk about ring around the collar.

[B]

That's like the shirt the janitors used to wear.

[C]

This is my summer shirt.

[A]

Were you finger painting in that an hour ago?

[C]

Take it easy, Ms. Lippy.

[A]

Ms. Lippy.

[C]

Billy Madison.

[A]

I never saw the film. No, that's what I missed.

[B]

He was 32 when he came out.

[C]

I want to touch the hiney.

[A]

Oh, you've seen it.

[B]

I know what. That's the Blockbuster line. How do you not maybe.

[A]

Look at how sweaty you are.

[C]

Put a T shirt on.

[B]

Also, a collared shirt with sweatpants and a pair of tims is a wild

[A]

choice, but have you taken the shirt off? Let's see the back.

[B]

There's a lot, man.

[A]

Oh, my God. Ian has a trash bag on his back. No wonder why you're sweating. You said it was all bandaged up. What the hell is that?

[B]

Dude, look at that ass he's got too. That is a wedgie.

[A]

You want the wedge salad, huh?

[B]

Extra blue cheese. Where'd you get that? Keens.

[A]

Do you have your tits done?

[B]

Tape. Under the looks. He got a mastectomy. Kill my back.

[A]

Angel camera. Get over here.

[B]

Come back in. Ian, we're not over. We're not going to air this episode unless you get back in. I'm gonna be in Edmonton on the 13th. That is a wild pair of sweatpants. You look like a cholo.

[C]

I bought him at a Mexican shop.

[B]

Yeah, I'm pretty good.

[C]

Telco.

[B]

You look like. You look like you just got out of prison.

[A]

Now take the hat off. I just want to see how many like Mr. Potato Head. Now put the glasses on your head.

[B]

Watch out, Full. He's gonna try to eat you.

[A]

Put the glasses on your head.

[C]

No. What is the matter with you?

[A]

I want to see how many different.

[C]

You can put the teeth in your mouth.

[B]

All right. What the hell do you want? Now eat. You put Your nose where your ears are. Let me put my dick where your mouth is.

[A]

Killing.

[C]

That's all we needed was a different amount.

[B]

You still gotta take credit for it.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Friend lunch. When are you free?

[A]

Okay. I tell you what a lunch I like.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

I want to start shifting. I'm 50 years old, God damn it. I can't be doing these dinners.

[C]

Can I tell you, I do like breakfast lunch with friends. And it's so nice. You catch up. You have something.

[B]

You never invited us. You're complaining.

[C]

They're my neighborhood friends.

[A]

Go with fucking hate stack.

[B]

Slippery Pete.

[C]

I'm talking to Haystacks Calhoun over here. Look it up. It is a good reference. Now let me. Haystacks Calhoun. Come on, let's see it.

[B]

This is.

[C]

This is gonna.

[B]

Oh, my God. That is holy dead on. Viewers at home, I mean, they just saw it. If they're watching them after, you see.

[C]

Hey, Sacks. Calhoun, go over to Spotify. Check out Ian doing our guy doing odd jobs. We're on Spotify Video. It's not a podcast. It's an old school TV show. It's the only TV show on Spotify Video. That's something to hang your hat on.

[B]

I'm not sure of it. It's the only TV show that's not on tv. It's actually on an audio medium.

[C]

Well, now that you put it that way.

[B]

Fuck. Like doing a radio show by mail. What are you talking about? Talking about.

[A]

Hello, my darling. You got to wait three weeks.

[B]

I know. I made the joke.

[C]

You got me, Ian.

[A]

That got you.

[B]

She. Hey, playboy.

[A]

He's not so much of a freak after all. Gang, give Ian a big round of applause.

[C]

Baby Blues Lunchonette. When Great Greek luncheonette spot in my neighborhood.

[B]

Not going all the way out to the end of. I'm not going out to JFK to

[A]

get me in some Vietnamese. Vietnamese coffee shop. They were looking at me like I was Colonel Kurtz from that popular movie.

[C]

No, because they thought they could get a cut from the pig.

[A]

I should have went with that.

[C]

They eat pork.

[A]

You got me on that one.

[B]

Also to push back. We like that place a lot.

[A]

Yeah, we did.

[C]

Yeah, it was really good.

[B]

Me and him go a lot. Yeah.

[C]

What's the spot in your neighborhood? I'll go to.

[B]

You come to Manhattan.

[A]

New York City.

[C]

Let's go.

[B]

Where?

[C]

Manhattan. Where's a good lunch brunch spot in Manhattan. Midday.

[A]

Go to the Smith, sit down and have. Have a nice J and a couple of cocktails.

[B]

That's all right. I'll get my other friends to go and have a couple of cocktails. I have a cup of coffee with you guys and go party with the real guys.

[C]

That's what I like.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

We should really do that. That would be fun.

[B]

I don't drink around them.

[C]

Could you mark the Sharks schedule?

[A]

I want you to drink around me.

[C]

Yeah, because you're fiending.

[A]

I'm not feeding for anything.

[B]

What? Guy in a salmon shirt. What are you nuts?

[A]

This cocaine water.

[C]

You are feeding for the Pass with that shirt, buddy. Holy shit.

[A]

I am.

[B]

You look like the first kid out. Get the dodgeball.

[C]

Get the DeLorean. McFly.

[B]

Yeah. Take back that joke I just made. Take me back to seven seconds ago Jimmy's back, huh? You nerds. Somebody gave me a beer.

[A]

I feel like the first kid out in kickball.

[B]

That's good. First out.

[C]

Last picked. Last picked. First out. Anyway, where's the DeLorean spit take for me, please.

[B]

I thought about it, but it would have just ran out of my. It would have been too much all. It would have been too concentrated.

[C]

God damn.

[A]

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[A]

Yeah, gang. We got a brand new merch alert. And we've kicked it up a notch, baby.

[B]

Achieve, hippie.

[A]

Show them.

[B]

We got hats. Boom.

[A]

Hit them with the ayg hat quality.

[B]

We got a classic Bernie's dad hat.

[A]

We got comfort colors tees, upgraded the tees.

[B]

Heavyweight tees for heavy white boys. We got Uncle Henry's menswear. We got Kippy's racing T shirt. We got the Bass Pro shop knockoff. No big deal.

[A]

We got the Palm breakfast spot. Look at that. And send backs, gang.

[B]

And then get it for St. Patty's Day limited run. Kiss me, I'm trash shirt. Give it to it. Give it to a classy broad near you.

[C]

That's real as you rugarbage.com now see you're feeling hot too. I'm telling you, you.

[A]

Yeah, it's hot plate.

[C]

That is a good hairline. What are you gonna do with that, huh? What are you gonna do with that? Why is it so long?

[A]

With what?

[C]

You growing it out for a roll or something?

[B]

Yeah. No.

[C]

Bread. Ah.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

Growing out for more of a croissant.

[A]

Sesame bagel, cream cheese. Now do you like sesame bagels?

[C]

No, I like salt bagels.

[A]

I was joking.

[B]

You like salt bagel?

[C]

Salt bagel, French toast, bagel banger. Had it yesterday before I fainted. I was asking what I ate yesterday because I couldn't remember. I kept going what I ate today.

[B]

You know what?

[A]

I hate today, Ian, how the am I supposed to know what you ate?

[C]

I. Then I fainted. My eyes open.

[B]

Woof, man.

[A]

Did you get some orange juice? Orange juice is good for.

[C]

No, I was drinking Martinelli's. I was. I was eating bananas Sugar, dude. The whole process was a breeze. I had numbing.

[A]

A medical emergency. See around.

[C]

Well, you know, it's funny because I was telling a story about how I'm more ironic. More.

[B]

More of a. More of a quip.

[C]

More of a story no one wants to hear. But I know when I was a carpenter, I pass out at work. And I was talking about it while Getting tattooed. And then I fainted again, which is

[B]

so weird, but talked it into existence.

[C]

I talked it into existence.

[B]

Now tell yourself you're funny.

[C]

Big booty Latinas. No, I, I. Dude, when I was a carpenter, I made a bet. This guy bet me 20 bucks I wouldn't eat a slug. So I bit it in half. I spit it out. Thank God, because if I ate it, I would have went to a coma and died because I would have gotten rat long happened to a kid in Australia.

[A]

What's rat lung? Rat lung? Wait, say that.

[B]

I'm looking at it.

[A]

I'll be honest with you. I checked out what happened.

[C]

When I was a carpenter, I made a bet for 20 bucks this guy bet me I wouldn't eat a slush.

[B]

So I was like, jackass Construction company. Hi, I'm Ian Knoxville.

[C]

Hi, I'm Ian Wilmington. I'm gonna frame a basement and eat a slug.

[B]

So we didn't go through your panty drawer.

[C]

So I did used to put on homeowners underwear and come down and make my co workers laugh.

[B]

Put the tool belt back on.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Ian, you are one sick Byron, let me tell you. You ever hear the man John about listening? So I, I bet this guy bet

[B]

me 20 bucks he's been telling this story. If I had to hear him eat a slug one more time. We're gonna eat one minute.

[A]

So you ate a slug?

[C]

I didn't eat it. I bit it in half. Spit it out. Thank God.

[B]

Thank God.

[C]

Because they have so many toxins and parasites in them, it would have killed me. You could get a thing called rat lung.

[A]

Rat lung?

[C]

Yeah, the remix. Rat lung. Say it fully. Say, dude, this, this kid, this kid in Australia went into a fucking coma for like 426 days and they fucking was paralyzed and then died. I spit it out the next day. Exactly.

[B]

From eating every slug.

[C]

He ate one slug, so.

[B]

But that's not a rule.

[A]

Fact check.

[C]

Look it up.

[B]

It's slugs that eat the poop of rats and the rats have to eat mollusks. So you have to be in like a. That's like two slugs.

[A]

So that's a slug that's got eat rat shit. That a rat was eating mussels.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Foley's hungry again.

[B]

Now, do they have those at ke? Check the menu.

[C]

Where can we get that for lunch?

[A]

Some of these rat muscles. Extra slugs for me, please.

[C]

Wait, isn't escargot, slug, snail, snail in the family?

[B]

Not for me.

[C]

It's all right.

[A]

I like it.

[C]

It's good. Oh, dude, I've only had for iu. I was an oyster farmer in does odd things.

[B]

Ian Dew sounds like a bad fruit.

[C]

Ian Dew, an odd guy doing odd jobs. I was in Portland, Maine, and I was. Ian do. An odd guy doing odd jobs.

[B]

Ian do.

[C]

When I was little.

[A]

Why don't you just call it Ian

[B]

doing odd stuff or Ian does? Yeah.

[C]

When I was. When I was little and I wanted

[A]

to do so this whole thing and bring it back to development.

[B]

He didn't like that.

[C]

In my partnership with YMH, I've retained 100 creative control. So no, I will not be going back to developing.

[A]

Huh.

[C]

I.

[B]

Can we buy it? How. How long? How long? I'm gonna buy it and shelf it like Les Moon Fest.

[A]

Sell it to Byron Allen.

[C]

I'd be on the network.

[B]

Gay guy does gay

[C]

Coming this fall.

[A]

NBC cracker ass doing dumb.

[B]

Lean back. Lean back.

[C]

Pull it back.

[B]

Pull it back. Yeah.

[C]

Come on, Fat Joe. Lean back.

[A]

It's not just me. It's not just me.

[C]

It's all you.

[B]

You.

[C]

It is all you. The table's leaning that way. You are a fat man who leans a lot. And we are seeing the results. Look at that table. Yeah. Okay, so I passed out 24 hours later.

[B]

He does not end well.

[C]

If you let me finish, it ended five minutes ago.

[A]

Did the slug make it?

[C]

The slug unfortunately did not make it.

[B]

He died on a pair of panties.

[C]

He. Yeah. No, it was a bad idea, but thank God. I could have died. I could have died.

[A]

And you wouldn't. You wouldn't have been here.

[C]

Could have died. What if I did die and all of this is but a dream to

[A]

give me this really shitty.

[C]

Pinch me.

[B]

Get off of me.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Shut up, Luke. Yeah. Isn't that nice?

[B]

Maybe get the shark to take your job.

[A]

Normally, I don't like that

[B]

this Jewish guy's got moxy.

[A]

You're hired.

[C]

Come on. I'm Ian.

[B]

Ian. One of the things we've talked about recently and we've been talking to guests and, you know, you're, you know, wacky guy, kooky guy. What is one of the things that you might do. It doesn't have to be expensive or anything, but that makes you feel classy and, like, rich, and you're like, oh, when I do like, it could be valet in your car. It could be like, you have a nice robe. Or when I go to the store, I buy multiple things of paper towel just to she crab soup. Yeah.

[C]

Smoking a cigarette in bed.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Makes you feel rich.

[C]

Makes me feel Alive, like a real adult or putting a little bow tie on my cat and sharing a meal.

[A]

I gotta give them. Both of them.

[B]

I gotta push back. I think on both of them.

[A]

The laying in bed having a cigarette.

[C]

I can see with ashtray on your chest you got some tunes on the windows open.

[B]

The rich guys aren't doing that. Yeah, I smoked in bed.

[C]

I'm a different type of rich. Where I'm not. I'm getting there now.

[B]

Listen to my TV show.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Wherever you get podcasts,

[C]

see me on the road. Ian finance.com. i'm going everywhere. I'm booked up until 2027. Don't underestimate me.

[B]

2027?

[C]

Yeah. I'm feeling good.

[A]

Who's underestimating you?

[B]

He panicked myself a couple guys, but they'll pay.

[C]

I'm never.

[B]

Never.

[A]

I'm.

[C]

I'm really great, but I'm never in the conversation for some reason.

[A]

Where you booked until 2020?

[B]

I feel like I don't have the respect of my peers for some reason.

[C]

I have the respect, but nobody seems to.

[A]

Your voice through 2027. Yeah. That's great.

[B]

Yeah. You got a good agent.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Shout out CAA Matt Schultz. You're the man, bro.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

No, dude, the road's been great. I've been loving it. I've been selling better and better and better and I'm really, really enjoying it. Every set I do is different. It's very like improv.

[B]

It's not even funny.

[C]

A lot of it's spoken word.

[A]

Did we ask him about that?

[B]

That's always. That's always the mark of a guy spiraling. Oh, yeah, I know. He's going great. You're. You're having the. You're answering questions. No one is. Yeah, we're moving more and more tickets. I saw more T shirts. More and more people are coming out.

[A]

That's a great question.

[B]

CAA says thrilled.

[C]

We've been working on manifesting.

[B]

You're not a good with ca.

[C]

I. I'm just spelling letters.

[A]

You don't know Matt Schultz.

[C]

No, no, no, no. My agents at Alameno are really good. Lmno. I'm just making stuff up now. Improv heavy. Ian Finance.

[B]

No two sets are the same.

[C]

I'm improv. He's heavy.

[B]

That's funny.

[A]

You gotta see this guy.

[C]

Come on.

[B]

Yeah. The three of us should talk tour.

[C]

That would be incredible. It'd be like gangbusters, dude. If we did. If we did a bus tour and filmed it and then.

[B]

You mean the special we already. We did and released no, dude, I.

[C]

If.

[B]

What if we did an episode of

[C]

Ian do what that would be. You know, I'm doing it.

[A]

Are you still in production now?

[C]

Yeah, I film all the time.

[B]

We.

[C]

We got so many episodes.

[B]

I film all the time. I got the guy here.

[C]

My job today is podcast. No, I'm doing an episode of Subway Takes and I'm doing Subway Take my job and I'm gonna interview Kareem and then interview a couple other people. Yeah, it's. Dude, I'm having so much fun with it. Yeah, a little bit.

[B]

You know, man, that guy just got five days.

[C]

Yeah, you got five.

[A]

You just got finance.

[B]

That's. You show up and just take some job.

[C]

Let me tell you right now. Do you know how it would go down? Like gangbusters. A bus tour or me following in an rv. How did it.

[B]

I'm okay with that. I just like the sound of that better.

[C]

Dude. What if we did?

[A]

How about you?

[C]

Running behind activities and camping. That would be fun. Why don't we go skiing? Do you guys like skiing?

[A]

I think the activities are of a sexual nature.

[C]

Killington Stowe up in Vermont.

[A]

I don't like those places. My cousins went there when I was a kid. We never went. I grew up Killington.

[B]

I grew up snowball him.

[C]

But I'm a ski guy. I took myself on a one man solo ski trip. Shout out Keystone in Denver. Amazing. I ran a ski and ski out Airbnb. Incredible. So much fun up the mountain. For the cat I got. Oh, God, I would love it. I kind of want to get a new cat, make him a travel cat. But then my other cats would be upset that I bring him around and they'd be jealous.

[B]

Yeah. I wonder how that's going to go over on the board meeting. He'd be voted off his head at crazy. That'd be a power struggle within. Within the condominium.

[C]

You're not a pet guy.

[B]

I have a dog. Yeah. I just don't dream about taking him skiing with.

[A]

Although, say, rare. He's a wacky guy.

[C]

Yeah. I'm an odd guy doing odd jobs. That's the way it is, you know?

[A]

All right, let's get started. What do you say?

[C]

Get started? What have we not been recording? Jesus Christ.

[A]

Two guys in white coats come and take you away.

[B]

They got that net, the dog net. Oh.

[C]

My job today is at the hospital.

[B]

I'm gonna act like what it is to be on.

[C]

Yes, it is.

[A]

Now where can they find the show?

[C]

YouTube.com finance comedy. It's on my YouTube page. YMH's YouTube page. Spotify video and the only video on Spotify. Yeah, the. The only TV show on Spotify.

[B]

How many? How many? Ian, do the math. Who comes up? Ian, do. Ian Finance. There you go. Ian Duchau.

[C]

Yeah, that's a black guy.

[B]

There you go. Right here.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Terry Blacks.

[B]

Terry Blacks. Okay.

[A]

Did you go to Terry Blacks?

[C]

Yeah, I was a pit boss at Terry Black.

[B]

No, a pit boss.

[C]

Yeah. So I. I learned how to smoke the meats and then I. I went and I. I got adopted by an Australian and family. And then I did, I did. I was head of security at the comedy mothership.

[A]

Whoa.

[C]

Yeah, so I. I wore head to toe tactical gear and I had like a whip and an American flag with a spear on it to protect free speech. You know, it's like a joke because everyone thinks that they're all, like, marines there. It was great. It was so fun. I. I did a thing where I acted like I was lost in the mothership, like Blair Witch style, you know?

[B]

It was very fun, very nice.

[C]

Don't lie to me.

[B]

I'm serious. I'm trying to plug your show here.

[C]

Right, thanks.

[B]

Odd guy doing Odd Jobs Episode three Big Guns Tattoos.

[C]

Yeah, I got my tattoo license in Wisconsin.

[B]

Yeah, you get a license to do that?

[C]

65 bucks in an hour.

[B]

Boom.

[C]

Licensed tattoo artist. I tattooed that S symbol, the Stussy symbol, you know, on this guy's leg. Turned out pretty good. I'm okay say so myself.

[B]

That's good.

[C]

But yeah. Yeah, I oyster farmed in Maine. John's river oysters. It was amazing. Just pop them out of the water, shuck them, eat them. Incredible.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Amazing.

[B]

Okay. Yeah, that's good.

[C]

You mean to sell it more?

[B]

No, no, no, you're good. It's good. Check it out, gang.

[C]

Yeah. Maybe if I say it a couple more times. People watch.

[B]

You did BattleBots? Yeah.

[C]

They opened up the arena to me.

[B]

Canine training.

[C]

Got tackled by German shepherds.

[B]

Sauce pizza.

[C]

Saucy Sicilian Shout out. They watched the show. That's how I got hooked up with it. They contacted me. Shout out to them, Saucy Sicilian. Out in Oklahoma City City, Saucy says

[A]

they use Sicilian pizzas.

[C]

Yeah, really good favorite. Really good.

[A]

I learned how to make you a guy like Sicilian. Now I like this Sicilian pizza. 50, 50 years that diet decaf, diet root beer Sicilian plain cheese.

[C]

Are you telling us or are you telling yourself?

[A]

Telling myself.

[B]

No, he does diet root beer Sicilian. And what is better about Sicilian 8th gradersicillian Sicilian pizza.

[C]

Oh, okay. All Right. So your tastes are changing.

[B]

It's more of it. It's more of an older elder statesman.

[A]

And you know what I love now? I love love. Good and Plenty's one of those huge. Good and Plenty guy.

[C]

Is that name of a black comic affiliate Kills.

[A]

It's licorice. You never had Good and Plenty's?

[B]

No.

[A]

Really? You're an old soul. Surprise.

[C]

Yeah, a little.

[A]

Good and Plenty's. It's black licorice with a little candy coating.

[B]

Candy?

[C]

Katie, I try to stay away from candy.

[A]

Do you?

[C]

Yeah. I had some to keep my blood sugar up during the tattoo, but.

[B]

You got a tattoo. We gotta wrap it up, gang.

[C]

What a great chorus.

[A]

Gang, check out Ian's brand new show. Ian do odd stuff.

[C]

No, Ian doing odd guy doing odd jobs. You fucking idiot.

[A]

Why don't you just called an odd guy doing Ian finance an odd guy.

[B]

What's Ian do?

[C]

When I was little, I had a speech impediment and I couldn't talk. And when I wanted to do something, I would just bring up Venetian again.

[A]

I'm gonna kill you.

[C]

And there's a video of me staring at my dad going. And he's sawing a 2x4 and I just annoyed him enough to where he gave me a saw at three years old. So I would just say that to annoy my parents into letting me do stuff. So everything I do, I kind of do.

[B]

Like you texted us Ian do podcast.

[C]

So everything I do, I try to give a little nod to, like my family somehow.

[A]

Well, I'm teasing you. We love you very much.

[C]

I love you, man.

[A]

I love you.

[B]

I love you, bud. Thank you.

[A]

I was teasing you about the gift. Thank you for everything.

[B]

You're. Yes, my gift is genuinely very nice, love. Thank you. Are you thanking him for my gift?

[A]

I said it was beautiful. Plus, I'm going to use it to sleep on tonight.

[C]

What? I love you guys.

[B]

You're the best.

[C]

I. I'm so happy for you guys.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

And genuinely, it makes me smile. Think of our memory.

[B]

All right. And we should do a brunch or something.

[A]

Brunch.

[C]

Not just say it. Let's do it.

[B]

Let's Ian do it.

[C]

Let's Ian do it. What are you doing tomorrow, Ian?

[B]

Do not pay the check, Ian. I'll buy.

[A]

I'm not splitting appetizers.

[B]

Yeah, right. Me and. Me and Foley sharing she crab soup. The.

[C]

Yeah, just bread.

[B]

Getting herpes.

[C]

Dude, we should go eat at the seafood place in Grand Central. Get some she crab oysters. Let's do it up midday.

[A]

Nah.

[B]

Give me.

[A]

What do you got for him?

[B]

I'll be at the seafood place at the train station. Yeah, gang, we're on the road right now. Shows are selling out. Great. That sounded pandering. No, I'm kidding, Ian. I'm kidding, obviously.

[A]

I heard you booked till 2027.

[C]

Oh, Byron, I'm doing Pittsburgh improv. New Year's Eve, 31st, the first of the second. Let's go.

[B]

Okay. That's a lot of tickets. That's a big room.

[C]

I sell that room out.

[B]

What? Say that. I didn't hear you.

[C]

I sell that room out.

[B]

Good for you.

[C]

Feels really good.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay, guys, really trying to prove something to me.

[C]

I drink diet root beer and things

[B]

are going great and everything's fantastic.

[A]

And only Sicilian again.

[B]

Get your tickets and merch. We did limited quantities. Get a wild last. We love you. Love you.

[A]

See you next week.

[B]

Peace.

[C]

Bye.