Armchair Anonymous: Bar Stories

Summary

Podcast Summary: Armchair Expert – Armchair Anonymous: Bar Stories

Release Date: May 1, 2026
Host: Dax Shepard (A), Monica Padman (B), co-hosts and guests
Episode Theme:
This episode explores the wild and sometimes harrowing world of "Bar Stories," inviting anonymous listeners to share their craziest experiences in or around bars. The stories traverse fighting off attackers, fake ID mishaps, a dangerous bar parking lot encounter in South Africa, and even a dental disaster—all woven together with Dax and Monica’s signature blend of humor, empathy, and honest commentary on the absurd unpredictability of human behavior.

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Episode Breakdown

1. Introduction to "Bar Stories"

[00:00–03:15]

• Dax welcomes listeners, joined by Buck Rogers, and sets the tone for what’s to come: "Bars are very fertile ground...we have every version of depravity happening" (A, 00:14).
• The hosts joke about the classic "nothing good happens after midnight" adage.
• They tease stories not about romantic 'meet-cutes', but about chaos, violence, and unexpected consequences, emphasizing the show’s focus on human messiness and resilience.

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2. Story 1: Justin the Bar Security Hero (Minneapolis)

[03:04–12:58]

Key Points

• Justin (C), a former head of security at a busy college bar in Minneapolis, recounts a night when he intervened outside (despite strict rules not to) to rescue a woman being beaten by two men.
• Justin describes the risk and adrenaline of breaking up the fight, noting, "I'm not going to let two men beat up a woman. So I dropped the barricade and...ran over there" (C, 04:18).
• He subdues both attackers, suffers a hand injury from punching one, and the woman heartbreakingly insists on staying with her (abusive) boyfriend: "She turns to me and...goes, I want to stay here with my boyfriend" (C, 05:30).
• Bosses discouraged intervention outside the bar due to liability, but Justin’s personal moral code prevailed.
• Justin’s hand gets infected, requiring surgery—"You could have had a finger or your hand amputated from how bad it was infected" (C recalling the surgeon, 08:01).
• He was nearly fired but was retained after female colleagues threatened to quit in protest.
• Justin’s martial arts background and redhead “temper” are discussed.
• Dax reflects on the courage required to intervene, with Monica expressing sadness at the woman’s response.
• Ends with a sweet shout-out to Justin’s significant other and friends who introduced him to the podcast.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• "My friends, they'd say I ginger snapped." (C, 10:32)
• "I doubt he's starting a lot of fights, but he's finishing them when they need finishing." (A, 13:02)

Timestamps

• [04:18] Justin intervenes in the assault
• [05:30] Woman’s heartbreaking reaction
• [07:37] Doctor warns of possible hand amputation
• [09:44] Explanation of bar security protocols
• [10:32] "Ginger snapped" / redhead discussion

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3. Story 2: Casey’s Hooters Showdown (South Africa)

[13:13–24:12]

Key Points

• Casey (D) shares a tense tale from Johannesburg: while out with friends and a girlfriend at Hooters, he runs into her intimidating ex, who has previously threatened him online.
• The ex later confronts them at the bar, escalating into a standoff outside as the ex’s friends multiply from two to eight.
• Bouncers escort Casey and friends to their car, but the ex and his group block their exit. A fight ensues: "Him and his entire group of friends block the road." (D, 19:23)
• The ex attacks their car, chipping a friend’s tooth and smashing the windshield.
• Both parties file police charges—Casey is shockingly accused of attempted murder. A detective ultimately assures him he’s not at fault; he later serves as a witness in the ex’s trial.
• Casey and the ex cross paths years later at a gym, but no further violence occurs.
• Dax and Monica riff on bar bouncers, portion sizes in America vs. South Africa, and ethical alcohol service.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• "His famous quote from that is, he spends his career in a war zone, but comes back for one night in South Africa and gets punched." (D, 19:46)
• "The detectives taken both of our statements, and he says, even a blind man can see this dude's not telling the truth, you know, so I shouldn't worry about it." (D, 21:41)

Timestamps

• [19:23] Blocked by aggressive ex and entourage
• [20:49] Police drama and attempted murder accusation
• [22:10] Unexpected gym reunion

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4. Story 3: Lee’s Fake ID Ordeal at Michigan State

[24:16–37:55]

Key Points

• Lee (F) and friends at Michigan State orchestrate elaborate fake ID schemes to access the local bar, Rick’s American Cafe.
• The best way, she notes, is a "real" ID from an older cousin or sibling; Lee herself scrounges a bad Connecticut fake, while her friend Janine receives a “found” real Michigan ID.
• They rehearse all the info, but Janine’s ID (5’10” in height vs. her 5’1”) is ridiculous.
• On her first try, Janine is questioned by a bouncer who knows the real Haley (the ID’s owner)—quick-thinking Janine claims they’re "good friends" instead of impersonating, and is surprisingly let in.
• The ruse unravels when Haley—who works as a bartender at the bar—spots the ID and reports it. The bar manager and police immediately target the group.
• The underage friends dramatically sprint from the bar, ditching incriminating evidence (e.g., a standout pink necklace), and escape legal trouble.
• Full-circle moment: Lee later loses her own fake ID in Vegas just before she can legally drink.
• Conversation turns funny as Monica confesses her own low-budget, Blockbuster-card-based fake ID years.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• "She hands over the ID and immediately the bouncer looks at it, smirks, and goes, how do you know Haley?" (F, 30:45)
• “We are celebrating like it is Super Bowl Sunday and we have won. We are Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelce high fiving.” (F, 31:31)
• “At the top of the steps with the bouncer are two East Lansing police officers.” (F, 34:42)

Timestamps

• [28:15] Friend receives “found” Michigan ID
• [30:45] Bouncer recognizes fake and the real Haley
• [34:42] Police involvement, dramatic escape

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5. Story 4: Katie’s Drunken Tooth Disaster (Virginia)

[38:00–47:12]

Key Points

• Katie (E), using a poorly made fake ID, recounts how she drunkenly slipped at a college bar and shattered her four front teeth: "I am hammered...I slip on a puddle of something and I fall face forward and I catch myself with my mouth" (E, 41:02).
• In shock, she stands, realizes her teeth are broken, casually tosses the fragments across the bar floor (a "gangster move," Dax notes).
• Male friends, eager to stay at the bar, send her home in a cab full of strangers.
• Katie matter-of-factly calls her mom, simply saying, "They're gone" (E, 43:32); her mother, horrified, rushes to help.
• She endures dental surgery (multiple veneers, a root canal) at a religious practice, enduring "two hours...staring up at scenes from the Bible, listening to all the Jesus music" (E, 45:52).
• Dax and Monica digress humorously, imagining a post-apocalypse where everyone’s veneers fall out.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• “I just run my tongue through my teeth really quick.” (E, 42:02)
• “My guy friends...watched me fit my teeth into my hands, look at them, like, really pissed off, and then throw them across the floor of the bar.” (E, 42:22)
• “I proceed to spend the next two hours in the dentist chair smelling like bar and staring up at scenes from the Bible, listening to all the Jesus music.” (E, 45:52)
• "You want nice ones? Well, you have nice ones. Your teeth look great." (B, 46:32)

Timestamps

• [41:02] Katie falls and breaks teeth
• [42:22] Tosses broken teeth across bar
• [45:52] Surreal religious dentist experience

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Additional Memorable Moments & Quotes

• Dax’s “Bar Fight Rules”: “You don’t fight a guy at a stoplight who, when he gets out, he casually takes his shirt off...Just move on, get back in your car. In general...a redhead, just keep it moving.” (A, 10:05)
• Monica on underage bar runs: “The real ID was always preferred...I didn’t get to have that, obviously, because nobody looked like me.” (B, 27:44)
• Group camaraderie: Lee and her friends reunite live, showing enduring bonds formed through shared debauchery and the podcast itself. (F, 37:22+)

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Conclusion

Armchair Anonymous: Bar Stories is a rollicking collection of listener confessions that demonstrates the risk, camaraderie, and hilarity of young adult nightlife. Dax and Monica guide the discussion with humor and compassion, often pausing to explore the deeper emotional layers and societal issues underlying the stories—especially around loyalty, risk-taking, the realities of abuse, and the search for belonging in bar culture.

Final advisory from Dax:
"Have fun at the bar tonight. Anyone who's going out, try to keep your teeth." (A, 47:15)
Monica: "Be safe out there. Don't get in any fights. Use a high quality fake ID if you must." (B, 47:19)

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For Listeners

Whether you’re looking for laughter, surprise, or thoughtful insights into why humans act the way we do after dark (and a few vodkas deep), this episode is a perfect blend of outrageous mishaps and armchair wisdom.

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Transcript

[A]

Welcome, welcome. Welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard and I'm joined by Buck Rogers.

[B]

Hello.

[A]

Today we have crazy bar stories. Bars are very fertile ground.

[B]

I mean, nothing. Well, I shouldn't say nothing good happens.

[A]

People find their soulmates at bars. Me, cutes, yes. But alas, that's not these types of stories, you know, we have every version of depravity happening. So please enjoy crazy bar stories. This message is brought to you by Apple Card. Apple Card is designed with your iPhone in mind, making it easy to get started and even easier to use. Apple Card is a no fee credit card you can apply for right from the Wallet app on your iPhone. Apple Card has no annual fee, no late fees and no foreign transaction fees. No fees, period. Every credit card should be this easy. Get started in the Wallet app today. Subject to credit approval. Variable APRs for Apple Card range from 17.49% to 27.74% based on creditworthiness rates as of January 1, 2026. Existing customers can view their variable APR in the Wallet app [e-mail] Apple Card is issued by Goldman Sachs Bank USA, Salt Lake City Branch terms and more. At applecard.com we are supported by Helix. So Monica, you've been sleeping on a Helix for what, a year now?

[B]

A few years now.

[A]

Oh my gosh.

[B]

They sponsored a previous show and I got a Helix mattress and it's holding up.

[A]

It is.

[B]

I still and I really like it because it's so personalized to me.

[A]

Yeah, they're so personalized. You pick side sleeper, back sleeper, whether you run hot or not. That's why I love mine. I haven't had mine as long as you have, but mine is in tip top shape after about six months of hardware. Let's be honest, I'm meditating in there, I'm journaling in there, I'm sleeping there. I'm virtually living in there.

[B]

And there's actually science behind why we're sleeping better. 82% of those involved in a recent study saw an increase in their deep sleep cycle while sleeping on a Helix mattress.

[A]

They've got over 20 mattress models, so there's one designed specifically for how you sleep. Plus free shipping, 120 night sleep trial and a limited lifetime warranty. Go to helixsleep.com armchair for 27% off site wide. That's H E L I X sleep.com armchair for 27% OFF. Make sure you enter our show name at checkout so they know we sent you helixsleep.com armchair oh times come and

[C]

go, good times take them slow.

[A]

My life, I had them both.

[C]

You gotta know I'm gonna keep on shining. You guys see me?

[A]

Oh, we can see you. We can hear you. What is this sound dampening you've put up? Are those trifold mattresses? What are those?

[C]

No, it's a nugget. I don't know if you guys know what those are. It's for kids. You can basically make little shapes for them to climb on. Each one is about 18 inches thick.

[A]

Oh, and they're big cubes, kind of.

[B]

That's fun.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, wow. Where are you, Justin?

[C]

I'm in central Wisconsin right now.

[A]

When did you move there?

[C]

I moved here about three years ago, I'd say.

[A]

From where?

[C]

Minneapolis, where this story takes place.

[A]

Oh, okay, so you have a bar story. Please walk us through it.

[C]

All right. So to set the stage, this was back in December of 2018. I was working in downtown Minneapolis as head of security and was head of security for about six months at the time, at a bar. At that time, it was more of like, a college place where kids would come from the U of M and go party. So it was pretty busy. I broke up a lot of fights, literally almost daily. One time I had to go to the hospital due to another injury.

[A]

Can I ask really quick two questions? How common is it to have to have a head of security? Is that just because it was a college town, do you think, or is that common in Minneapolis?

[C]

It's pretty common.

[A]

Oh, okay. And then second, how do you qualify for the job? Like, what's the interview like? How are they determining whether or not you can handle your business?

[C]

They've seen me before. I've broken up quite a lot of fights.

[A]

Okay, great, Great.

[C]

So one night at about 2:30 in the morning, after the bars close, me and one of my security guards, we take one of the barricades and we're going to go around the building to put it into the garage where we put all the barricades and heat lamps. When we go around the corner, I see two men punching one woman.

[A]

Oh, my good. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

[C]

I hesitated for a second because I remember my boss constantly told us, do not break up fights that are outside because liability issues only do it inside. But I'm not going to let two men beat up a woman. So I dropped the barricade and I ran over there and tried to pull off one of the guys. He tried to punch me, but I was sober and he definitely was not. So I kind of just stepped back he missed. I kicked him in the stomach and I punched him in the face and I pushed him over. My other security guard went over there and held him there for a minute. And then I turned to the other guy. He has a handful of her shirt, just holding it, and he's about to punch, and he kind of looks to my way and he sees me and he starts going towards me to punch. And I saw that coming. So I put my head down and he hit right on the top. So I don't know if, you know, that would hurt him a lot.

[A]

Yeah, his hand's broken for sure.

[C]

Definitely. Yeah. After that, he can let go of her. I punch him two more times. I used my left hand. I had him at the temple, and then I hit him right below the nose. I also heard something crack.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[C]

He goes down and he has blood everywhere. He's looking at me, and I see that he's missing a tooth. So that was the crack. Oh. So I turned to the girl and I say, we should go. And I'll never forget the way she looked at me. She turns to me and she has two swollen eyes. She's looking at me, and she goes, I want to stay here with my boyfriend.

[B]

Oh, that makes me so sad.

[C]

Yeah. I didn't quite know what to say to that. I felt really bad. But then I look over and I see my boss. He's outside the door, and he's like, get back in here, Justin, right now. I told her I was going to go call the police. So I ran there and I get my phone. I called 911 and talked to them, and they said they're going to come away. When I got off the phone, I looked out there and all three of them were gone. So I had, you know, I had quite an adrenaline rush, so I couldn't really feel my body at the time. So one of my coworkers said, hey, you're dripping blood off your hand. I look down and I have about a half inch cut on my knuckle. And I'm like, oh, great. So I go find the first aid kit, which is empty. And so I was like, okay, I'm just going to put some cold water this. Another coworker said, you should probably go to the hospital because getting saliva or something like that.

[B]

Yeah, you could go rancid. You could get that cat disease.

[C]

So. So I ended up going to htmc, which is a Hennepin county medical center. I got there, it was pretty busy. After about, I'd say, an hour or so, I Got to see a doctor. They washed it out for me a little bit, and then they gave me two different antibiotics because I'm allergic to amoxicillin. Then they sent me home, but they drew a circle in my hand and they said, if it gets past this, you need to come back. I go home and go to sleep, and when I wake up at about 11 o' clock in the morning, I can feel my hand is throbbing and it feels like I could feel my heartbeat in it. Oh, it was pretty bad. So I look at it, and the circle was down low, but the infection was higher. Ah.

[A]

Had gone up past your wrist.

[C]

Yeah. Only about eight hours after all that happened.

[A]

Oh, my God. What was he carrying in rabies?

[C]

I wish. He was drinking more alcohol. It might have disappeared.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

I decided to go back to the hospital. And when I walked into the door, to the left was the emergency room, to the right was urgent care. So I was like, I'm gonna go to urgent care, because emergency room is packed right now. I walked in there and I talked to a nurse, and she's getting, you know, all my information. And I told her I was there earlier today. Technically, she looks at my hand and she goes, oh. And she drops everything and she brings me into the emergency room. And then I get to the top of the list. So I go in right away when I see a doctor, he looks at it and goes, okay, you're probably going to need surgery.

[B]

What?

[A]

Whoa.

[C]

So they got me hooked up on IV antibiotics, and a little bit later, I had a surgeon come in and talk to me. And he looks at it, he goes, okay, so this is what we're going to do. And, you know, we're going to put you under. You're probably going to stay here for a night or two. About an hour later, they bring me down to get surgery. I think the surgery is about an hour and a half. When I woke up, the surgeon was there and he was talking to me. It was. You're very lucky that you came in when you did because you could have had a finger or your hand amputated from how bad it was infected. I sent pictures.

[A]

So wait, they went in there and they actually had to, like, cut out the infection? I thought you were about to tell me they extracted the tooth from your hand.

[C]

Oh, gosh. Oh, my God.

[A]

The tooth lodged in his hand.

[C]

Oh, that would have been horrible. He probably swallowed it.

[B]

Wait. Yeah. So they cut out.

[C]

You can see the pictures.

[A]

Yeah, let's go.

[C]

They kind of cut. It looks like an S sort Of.

[A]

Oh, yeah, it looks real gross, like it's going to pop with infection.

[C]

So the first one, then you have. Right. I forgot the circle on my hand. And then the other two were after the surgery.

[A]

Oh, wow. Did they tell you. Do they, like, send tissue samples away and then tell you what the inf. I mean, I guess it doesn't matter, but I'm so curious. What was it?

[C]

I'm not sure. I didn't even ask that. It was very painful. As you can see in one of the pictures. It looks like they kind of forgot some of the gauze and they kept it in there, but that was kind of like a wick to get rid of.

[B]

Oh, keep sucking up.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah, it's hanging. Look, Monica, hanging out of the.

[B]

I saw.

[A]

Yeah. You don't like.

[B]

I don't need to keep looking.

[C]

The most painful part was when they removed that. I thought it was just going to be like, you know, half an inch. There is probably an inch and a half or something. And he pulled it out quick. He goes, this is going to hurt.

[A]

And did you examine it when it came out? I would really want to see what was happening.

[C]

Oh, yeah, it was very bloody.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I called my boss after that and I told him, you know, I'm probably going to be here for a few days. He asked me if it was going to be workers comp. And I said, oh, yeah, yeah, that'll be workers comp. So he was pretty upset about that. So I returned to work. About a week later, I was told to do a safety briefing for all the security guards. This is how you break up a fight. And this is where you break up a fight. Not outside.

[B]

What were you going to do? Not as your job. Like as just a person.

[C]

Yeah, they were actually going to fire me, but a few of my co workers, female ones, said that they were going to quit if they did that.

[A]

Okay. Now this willingness and appetite to get involved in chaos. I want to know how much the red hair plays into it. I don't know if you've ever heard my theories on redheads.

[C]

We have a temper.

[A]

I have a few rules. You don't fight. You don't fight a guy at a stoplight who, when he gets out, he casually takes his shirt off. Like, not to show up, but just. He's ruined so many shirts that he's learned. Just move on, get back in your car. In general, a married guy at the bar, just don't mess with. He's been holding a lot in. And then. I don't care what size the redhead is. Just keep it moving. I've seen a lot of little, little redheads in junior high and high school get the best of somebody.

[C]

My friends, they'd say I ginger snapped. I also have martial arts experience. I got my black belt and karate and some stuff in the military too. So the entire thing from when I saw them to him going down covering his mouth was about 10 seconds. It happened very fast.

[B]

God, I wonder what was his mouth.

[A]

He had been eating someone that had flesh eating bacteria.

[B]

Oh, he's a cannibal.

[C]

Oh, I took down a zombie.

[A]

How much longer did you have that job?

[C]

Probably for another five or six months. The month before that happened, I also had to go into the hospital due to a slight fracture in my elbow. There was guy I was trying to harass some of the waiters and waitresses and stuff like that and I tried to escort him out. He tried to punch me. So I put him in a rear naked choke and right then I kind of fell forward and his weight and my weight landed on the tip of my elbow. Ooh, you'd think I would have learned.

[B]

Well, again, I don't know what you're supposed to do. And you walk upon that.

[A]

No, you got. It's time to get down. Of course, I'm having a lot of envy listening. I know a job I would have loved to have done.

[B]

I know you are.

[C]

I loved it. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Aaron ran a bar for 10 years and he didn't have security. He was the security and the owner of the bartender. Yeah. And he got to see a lot of action. I was always quite jealous. Well, Justin, I'm glad that there are people wired like you and I that would intervene in a situation like. And then of course I'm heartbroken by the girl who wants to stay with the guy.

[B]

It's so upsetting. But also, you know, there's a lot of stats around that like she would have been killed probably if she did not say that or do that. Like it's a really horrible situation. I don't have any answers, but it's. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Can I do a shout out?

[D]

Yes, of course.

[C]

My significant other, Sarah, she was supposed to be here to watch her son while I was doing this, but I got the times wrong. I forgot it was Pacific time. Oh, sure, Central time. She's the one that told me to submit it. She's the one that got me to start listening ago. And I think Monica would really like her because you guys have a very similar personality. But she's also a physical Therapist.

[B]

Oh, I love her. I just add her to my PT collection.

[A]

PT Club.

[C]

The two other people would be our friends, Amber and Ethan. They're the ones that got us to start listening to your podcast.

[A]

Oh, thank you. Amber and Ethan. Yes. We appreciate converting people, Amber and Ethan.

[C]

I have a lot of people are going to start listing because I was like, I'm going to be on there. Oh, fun.

[A]

Well, it's great meeting you, Justin.

[C]

It's good meeting you, too.

[A]

Yeah. Congrats on your family. I'm happy for you.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

All right, take care.

[B]

Bye. Are you so happy we have such a tough listener.

[A]

Yeah. But also so sweet. Could you hear his sweetness? That's what I love. I doubt he's starting a lot of fights, but he's finishing them when they need finishing. Hello. Hi. Is this Casey?

[D]

Yes. Casey.

[A]

Nice to meet you, Casey. Where are you?

[D]

Dax. I know you like to guess, so maybe you want to take a guess from my accent.

[A]

Here's what's going to happen. I already know what I'm down to. It's just down to two.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And I know if I get it wrong, both parties would be very offended, but I'm going New Zealand on this one.

[B]

Me, too.

[D]

I'm in South Africa.

[A]

Oh, triple wrong. Who's offended now?

[B]

Everyone.

[D]

It's pretty close. It gets mistaken now and then.

[A]

Anyways, what city are you in down there?

[D]

Johannesburg.

[A]

Okay. What's the vibe in Johannesburg? I've never been.

[D]

Joburg's got the friendliest people, I would say. Have you been to Cape Town?

[A]

No, I've only been to Tanzania and Kenya and Uganda.

[D]

Cape Town's beautiful as well, but Johannesburg is way friendlier.

[A]

Okay. And so you've got a bar story.

[D]

Yeah. So let me set the scene. I was in my early 20s, like 19, 20, thereabouts.

[A]

What's the drinking age down there?

[D]

18. By the time we're 21, we're veterans. I'd moved up to Johannesburg probably like a year before that. From my hometown in George. Very small coastal town. So small city to a big city. Getting used to the vibe in Johannesburg by this time, I've got a nice group of friends and we're starting to go out and meet people and whatnot. The story starts off at a braai. It's basically a barbecue.

[A]

I love starting something off with a barbecue.

[B]

Yeah, that's really fun.

[D]

I went there with my cousin and I ended up meeting this couple there. Thought nothing of it. And a couple of weeks later or a couple of months later, I don't know exactly the time. I saw that the girl from this couple ended up being single, and I decided to slide into the DMs.

[A]

Oh, okay, lovely.

[D]

After some time, we ended up dating. So that's kind of like the precursor to the story. So after a few months of dating, we decided to go out one night. We went to Hooters. So we also have Hooters here.

[A]

I'm very happy to hear that you have Hooters. Hooters is very international best fried chicken sandwich. I maintain that I enjoy their wings.

[D]

Anyway, so leading up to this, the ex of hers was messaging me now and then on social media and not being very nice, let's say threatening me. But I thought nothing of it. Blocked him, carried on with my life. We ended up at this bar, and as I walk in, I turn a corner and I walk straight into this guy. Like, physically bump into him. And I kind of taken aback and I move to the side and carry on walking to my table. And we sit down. You know, think nothing of it. I forgot to mention, this dude is super big compared to me.

[A]

When you bumped into each other, were there any words bumping?

[D]

No words part ways. So thought nothing of it. Right. So anyway, sit down at our table and we're having a good night, having a couple of beers, ordering food, and I see this guy starts moving closer to us and sits at a table adjacent from us.

[A]

Oh, boy.

[D]

And he's like staring me down the entire time.

[B]

Is your girlfriend with you?

[D]

Yeah, my girlfriend's with me. I've got a lifelong friend with me as well. And then another guy friend of mine that's a pilot that was visiting. He flies for Doctors Without Borders in Afghanistan, but he's a British guy. So it's the four of us sitting at the table, minding our own business, and every time I glance over to him, he's mouthing or making as if he's swearing at me. I can't tell what he's saying, but, you know, you can see something. Not good.

[A]

This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. I feel like spring always does this thing where you realize you've been thinking about something for a long time and suddenly it feels like, okay, maybe I actually do something with it.

[B]

Totally. It's less pressure, but more like readiness.

[A]

Yeah. Like you've been sitting on an idea or a project or even just a perspective you care about, and now you're like, maybe this deserves to exist somewhere outside of my own head.

[B]

And may being Mental Health awareness month, there's already this Broader conversation happening. People are more open, more curious, more willing to engage, which is where something

[A]

like Squarespace comes in. It makes that jump from idea to actual thing feel way less overwhelming. You can build a site that looks good, works well, and actually reflects what you're trying to put out there.

[B]

And it's not just hypothetical. Wabi Wob literally used Squarespace to build our site.

[A]

Yeah. And Wabiwab is not trying to spend 40 hours figuring out web design.

[B]

It just worked, which is kind of the point.

[A]

So if you've been sitting on something and waiting for the right moment, this might be it. Head to squarespace.comdax for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, use offer code DAX to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[D]

So we notice this as a group, and we decide maybe we need to get out of here. It's starting to get a little sketchy. So as we stand up to leave, him and his friends stand up to leave as well. We walk outside, and he starts to try confront me. Now, I'm more of a lover than a fighter, but I stand my ground. My girlfriend at the time comes in between us and kind of, like, pushes him back and tries to calm him down a bit, and he's getting more and more aggressive. The bouncers decided to step in. At this point, the bouncers at Hooters in Johannesburg are massive. So kind of diffused the situation. The bouncer then put his arm around me and started to walk me to my car. And the other bouncer was arguing with the guy behind me and just trying to handle the situation. Every time I glance back, another one of this dude's friends arrive. So, like, it's turning from two people into, like, four and then six. And then at some point, there was, like, eight of them.

[A]

Oh.

[D]

Now the bouncer behind. Behind me is starting to get, obviously, a little overwhelmed. And the one that's walking me to my car is like, okay, you need to leave now. Get in the car and go get in the car. The one female friend of mine, she got in the driver's seat, and I was like, I don't think you should drive. Let me drive rather, just in case we need to, like, get away or something like that. I feel like I'm a more evasive driver. You know, this parking lot that Hooters is in, it's like, parking lot with parkades on either side, but. But there's one entry and exit. As we reverse out and we start going down this exit path, him and his entire group of friends block the road.

[B]

Oh, God.

[D]

So now I'm like, okay, now what? So he's standing in front of the car and he's swearing at me and trying to intimidate me. The friend of mine in the back, the one that was visiting from Afghanistan, had his window rolled down and one of this dude's friends punched him through the window and ended up up chipping his tooth.

[A]

Oh, boy.

[D]

His famous quote from that is, he spends his career in a war zone, but comes back for one night in South Africa and gets punched. This guy starts, like, pushing on the bonnet of the car, trying to stop the car. At this point, I've had enough. So I started to edge forwards, and as I moved forwards, he jumped onto the bonnet of the car and, like, smashed a massive hole in the windshield.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[D]

Amethyst at it.

[A]

He's lost it.

[D]

Yeah, he was pretty cray cray. So at this point I just floored it and he kind of rolled off the car and we got home after that. That's not where the story ends, though.

[A]

Were police called?

[D]

That's what I'm getting to. So we got home and the friend whose car it was went to go lay charges at the police station. The next day, this guy contacted us and they were trying to, like, negotiate so that she would drop the charges and he would pay for the damages. But it turns out he was contacting us because he tried to charge me as well. So he also went to the police station and he tried to charge me with attempted murder.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Oh, my Lord.

[D]

When he was charged with malicious damage to property. So we ended up getting contacted by a detective. And now I'm super nervous. Like my first run in with the law. I'm like, what's going on? Am I going to get arrested for this? I go to the police station, make my statement. The detectives taken both of our statements, and he says, even a blind man can see this dude's not telling the truth, you know, so I shouldn't worry about it. So I was like, okay. And he said he'll let me know if I need to come in for anything again. And that was the end of that. Then about a week later, he phones me. He's like, I need you to come to the police station today. I'm like, oof. Okay. So I get my friend to go with me in case they can arrest me or something, that they take my car home. But, yeah, it turns out that wasn't the case. He just wanted to tell me that they'd actually arrested the other guy and he wanted to confirm some of my statements. So that's kind of where it ended. I ended up being a witness for his trial. Yeah. I have no idea if he was convicted or not. I wasn't there for the sentencing or whether like he was guilty or anything like that. So it was just stand as a witness and that was kind of the end of that.

[A]

And did he ever reach out to your then girlfriend about it?

[D]

I don't think so. I ended up moving back to my hometown and then back to Johannesburg again. So a few years later, I like, I bumped into him at the gym.

[A]

Oh, you did?

[D]

He didn't say anything. He didn't do anything. So I think he'd learned his lesson whether or not he got charged or not. Like, he was super young, so I don't know if he would have gotten a criminal record or anything from that. I'm sure the judge would have been lenient if it was like a first time offense.

[B]

People cannot control their temper.

[A]

No. Young men are wound up a little hot.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Especially when the legal drinking age is 18.

[B]

Oh, true.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Alcohol, jealousy, massive size. Maybe it was juicy. And who knows what's in the mix.

[C]

Yeah, Lots going on.

[B]

Well, I'm glad you made it out of there.

[A]

And I hope that didn't taint your feelings about Hooters.

[D]

No, not at all. I still regularly go to Hooters for their all you can eat chicken wing special.

[A]

Oh, they've got an all you can eat wings special?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, man.

[D]

Pretty good. And you'd love the exchange rates for it as well.

[B]

Surprised they don't do some sort of like, like chicken breast special.

[A]

You're more perverted than us.

[B]

Oh, you can eat breast special.

[A]

Oh my God, mom, you're so perverted. I will say I hated this about Hooters. They were very ethical about serving people because my friend Scotty and I used to go and watch basketball in the Santa Monica Hooters location. Eat wings. They would only sell you two pitchers of beer.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because all the pandemonium and the barbecue.

[B]

Dangerous.

[A]

But we would always be a little frustrated with what they wanted us to consume. But again, very ethical of them. So I guess I am applauding them them even though I was frustrated. How about down there? Is it willy nilly? Will they overserve you or are they pretty tight?

[D]

The portion sizes are pretty big. I have been to the US before and South African portion sizes don't really compare. Like US portion sizes are insanely huge.

[A]

Yeah, I Know, we're so gluttonous it's crazy. I'm guessing you don't have 64 ounce drinks at the gas station either.

[D]

No, none of that.

[A]

Well, Casey, it's lovely meeting you and we're so flattered you're down in South Africa listening.

[D]

I think I might be a first for South Africa.

[B]

I think so. Please spread the word.

[A]

All right, well, lovely meeting you, Casey.

[D]

You too. Have a good one.

[A]

Take care.

[B]

Hello?

[F]

Hello, can you hear me?

[A]

Yes. Is it Leah or Lee?

[F]

Lee.

[A]

You just never know what these spellings.

[B]

That's tough.

[F]

I was excited for you guys to guess. I get Leah a lot. I get Lay a lot.

[B]

Lay is inappropriate. But Leah and Lee, that's tricky.

[A]

How do you spell Leah? Leia? Leah Leigh? Leia. No, Leah. How do you spell Leah?

[F]

L, E, A, H, usually.

[A]

Where are you at, Lee?

[F]

I am just a stone's throw away from some of your many references in Northville, Michigan.

[A]

Oh, I know Northville inside and out. Do you cruise Hines Park?

[F]

Of course. I'm like a mile away.

[A]

Wonderful. Yes, we would go cruising in Hines park quite a bit. My very good friend went to Novi High.

[F]

My husband went to Novi High.

[A]

And then we would cruise downtown Northville. That's the story, Monica, that I met the girl and I was lying my age and she tooted when we were hooking up. Remember that famous story, Rice? I'm sorry, that's all from Northville. Bringing back all the memories. Lee, did you grow up in Northville?

[F]

I grew up in Northville and I met my husband at Michigan State where this story takes place. And then we moved all around. I was by wobby wob in Chicago, down in Dallas, and now back in good old Northville.

[B]

No stints in Atlanta. What do you have against Atlanta?

[F]

You know, I worked for United Airlines, so they're very Delta country. So it's maybe my only rivalry there.

[A]

Do you still work for them or. No, you don't?

[F]

Now I'm a stay home mom and a personal trainer.

[A]

Okay. Oh, nice.

[B]

Oh, I have gains.

[A]

Monica's worked out 1.2 times.

[B]

1.1 times and my muscles are huge. I'm sorry to scare you.

[A]

How often are you working out? We're so off track, but I'm curious.

[F]

Probably five to six times a week.

[A]

There we go.

[F]

Always a rest day. Sometimes two.

[B]

How about five or six days rest?

[E]

Days.

[F]

Days.

[A]

I like the six day workout.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah, sometimes seven on accident.

[B]

Let's hear our story.

[A]

Let's hear our story.

[F]

Okay, so as we reference Michigan State, sort of known as a party school, which is where the story takes place. This is January 2014, which would make me a 18 year old freshman at Michigan State. We are back for second semester and I was on a sports team at msu. And I actually want you guys to guess what team you think I was on.

[A]

I think you're a soccer player.

[B]

Lacrosse.

[F]

We're gonna go lacrosse because my husband was lacrosse, so I'm gonna keep that part in honest. But I like lacrosse.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

So neither.

[F]

Neither, because I'm on the lacrosse team. There are girls who are a lot older that I become friends with over summer trainings. And we kind of have this big age group of friends. All the girls who are 21 obviously are going to the bars on Friday night. And that gave a big incentive to the younger girls to find a way to also go to the bars. So there are two ways. At the time, it felt like you could get a fake id. First one is the one I opted for, which was to take some sort of very sketchy passport like photo to send to who knows what country, via whatever boy on the dorm floor was willing to take on this endeavor. Get all of those fake IDs back in like a necklace box from again, who knows what country and who knows when. And he would kind of go and pass them out. Terrible. Very clearly fake, from Connecticut. Not great, but worked at the bars you knew it would work at. The more ideal way to get the ID idea was a cousin that turned 21 pretends they lose theirs. You look enough like them, you use a real Michigan driver's license. You know, more of a surefire.

[B]

Yeah, the real ID was always preferred. I didn't get to have that, obviously, because nobody looked like me. One time I used Cali's id. We've talked about that. Anyway, go on.

[F]

So I've got my fake ID. I'm 18, feeling good, getting into the bars I know I can get into with my older teammates, but some of the other girls in my grade were still looking for an id. Well, turns out feels like fate. One of the older girls on the team is at a party and sticks her hand down because she drops her phone in the couch cushion and pulls out a driver's license.

[A]

Oh, bingo.

[F]

For someone we don't know. But immediately she looks at it. Blonde, blue eye. Could have been any one of our teammates. So she holds onto this morsel and she decides that she is going to knight one of my best friends, another freshman, Janine, with this fake ID. Now, Janine is about 5152. Cute as a button. And this ID does say 510. Oh. Other than that.

[A]

Oh, boy.

[F]

We're gonna roll with it. So Friday night comes around January. It's freezing cold. Monica, as you know, the best part of going out is the getting ready. We're getting ready in the dorms. Skater skirts, peplum tops, big chunky Charlie's necklace. We're ready to go. We're hyping each other up. Janine parts her hair the way that Haley. The fake ID name has her hair parted. She wears it straight, which she never does. We're trying to make Janine Haley. She is living the wrong. We get to the bar, and this is the bar on campus. Okay? Rick's American Cafe for all my fellow Spartans.

[A]

I asked my sister about this. My sister's a MSU graduate.

[F]

She will know. It is a basement bar, as all good college bars are. And the way it's set up is you kind of can see the front door, and that's it, because you immediately go down the steps. So the line goes out and around the corner, and you have to wait outside until you get to the bouncer and go. So we've got our group of all my teammates, and we are strategizing here. We've got someone who's 21 with a real ID first, then me, then someone else who's 21. You know, we're intermingling the fakes. We think this is going to help us.

[A]

I co sign on this.

[F]

Thank you. Appreciate that. We're there, and we are strategizing. And while we're in line, we're all studying. Everyone who's underage is studying their info. Right address? What's your date of birth? What's your full name? What's your middle name? What's your hometown? All the things. And Janine is locked in as Haley. She's ready to go. And we decide because this is her first time using fake, she's gonna go very last.

[C]

Oh.

[F]

Because the rumor is kind of like, if you're cool with the bouncer, even if he turns you away, usually they'll give you your ID back and just say, I know this is fake. Scurry off. She's like, I'll just go back to the dorms if I don't get in. So we get up to the bouncer. Somebody goes, they get in. I go, I get in. Next person goes in. And then we look at Janine, and we're all kind of trying to, like, creep down the steps so that we can hear what's happening, sweetie.

[E]

Petey.

[F]

Little farm town. She's been peer pressured into using a fake id. Really is what's happening here. She hands over the ID and immediately the bouncer looks at it, smirks, and goes, how do you know Haley?

[B]

Fuck yeah. See, this is the wrist.

[A]

Oh. The bouncer knows Haley.

[F]

We're on a campus of 50,000, just undergrad. But Janine is fast on her feet. And immediately, instead of trying to be the I am Haley, which is what I would have done, I would have doubled down, panicked, gone with it. Immediately, doesn't miss a beat. Goes, goes. We're really good friends. Like all my friends just got in. Can you just give me the ID back? And she was just, I think, trying to get the ID back. I don't even know if she wanted to get down the steps. But he kind of like rolls his eyes, gives it to her and lets her down.

[B]

Yes. Good job.

[F]

At the end, she's too cute to let her go home. So Jeanine gets down the steps and we are celebrating like it is Super Bowl Sunday and we have won. We are Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelce high fiving. This is the greatest thing that's happened to our freshman selves. The bar is split because you go down the steps, you go to the left side, we called the dark side because that was the dance floor, the booty bumping of it all. And then the right side was the light side. And that's where you would go to like watch the game, order a drink. It's a big oval so you can walk kind of all the way around. So we're into the bar. We are there for probably 45 minutes. Just enough to get a couple vodka crayons in us.

[B]

Oh, yeah, that was my drink too.

[F]

Oh, yeah, it's every 18 year old's

[B]

drink, actually, to order. My 18 year old drink was amaretto sour. Oh, that's what we were all getting. And then I worked my way up to vodka.

[A]

I like that. You're also always like, it's a twofer. You're getting drunk and also kind of buffeting yourself from a uti.

[B]

Exactly. You're being healthy.

[F]

It's the wellness choice. We're having a good time. We're booty bumping. Now the manager of this bar, we're going to call him Hank because I'm pretty sure he still works there. And I want to be in good graces as an alumna. But he is exactly what you think of when you imagine a Midwestern Bar manager, like, big, burly. He's wearing the Rixie slancing T shirt. Everybody kind of knows his face. In East Lansing, we spot him walking over to Janine. So there's a couple of us that are all hanging out, and Janine is near the bar getting a drink on the dark side. Hank walks over, steps right in front of Janine, and just puts his hand out, palm up, as if to say, hand it over. Right, Like, I know you're using a fake. Hand it over. But he's saying no words. So from the opposite corner of the bar, I am watching this go down, and immediately I clock that the person standing next to him is Haley. Okay, the reason that the bouncer immediately recognized Haley is because they're co workers and she's a bartender.

[A]

Oh, my gosh, what are the odds?

[B]

That is a bad, bad sim.

[F]

Bad luck is what that is. As she's fumbling through her cross body to get this ID out, she goes to give it to Hank and Haley snaps it out of her hand and just turns and walks away.

[E]

Way.

[F]

Kind of drew the conclusion that at some point in the bouncer shift, he ran down the steps and said to Haley, I just let your friend in with your id. And Haley said something like, what do you mean, my friend? I lost my idea at a party.

[A]

You're right. And that's why he let her in. He's like, oh, it's one of Haley's buddies. She works here. We're going to let it slide. I'm caught up now. That makes sense.

[F]

So now we've pissed off Hank, we've pissed off Haley, and we've pissed off the bouncer. There's a lot of lies happening here, right? From far away, I just see Haley get her id and Janine turns immediately and walks the other way. So I'm like, we're good. I've got three vodka crayons and I'm booty bumping. Come on back and join the party. I think we're fine. And she comes to join the group and is like, we gotta go. They're mad. This is bad news now. Truly, like out of a movie. Cut to. The next thing we see is we're trying to get up the steps. And at the top of the steps with the bouncer are two East Lansing police officers.

[B]

Oh, fuck that. Oh, we're going all the way mip.

[F]

Oh, they were known to send the police officers in and kind of have a good relationship and say, oh, we don't know who's using fake IDs but if you want to come down, you're allowed to go and ask people to see their IDs. So we're at the top and we just hear the bouncers say to the police officer, yeah, blonde in the big pink necklace. Oh, Describing.

[B]

Oh my gosh, Jenny, she'd just pull off the necklace and throw it, literally.

[F]

So we are walking the steps. Our walk turns into a full blown sprint. We turn the opposite way from the police officers. And at this point, I don't know if it's the adrenaline, I don't know what's happening. But there are no words being said between the group of the three of us that are sprinting away from this bar. We are just like all somehow telekinesis, going the same direction and getting out of there. End up running away from the police officers. They do not chase us. In my mind, I was like, we're now going to be on a foot chase. That did not happen. We ran around the corner, went into the drunk food spot, ditched the pink necklace in the bathroom, and all was well.

[B]

Scary.

[A]

That's exciting. All's well that ends well.

[F]

The full circle, full circle of it is she obviously got her her fake taken. I was like the young one. I didn't turn 21 until well into senior year. Oh, and I got very cocky with my fake ID because it had worked for so long. So for her 21st birthday, I tried to use my fake ID in Vegas. Not a good idea. And that's when I got mine snatched.

[B]

Happened to the best of us.

[A]

Two things. I used Ken Kennedy's at times when I needed to, but mostly we lived in downtown Detroit and they did not give a flying fuck what age you were in downtown Detroit in 1993. They didn't care at all. You go into the liquor store and buy whatever you want and they're like, great, you got cash, you're good.

[B]

Mine got taken my senior year right before I turned 21. It ended up being okay. I got three years out of it.

[A]

What was yours? How'd you.

[B]

I had the bad kind, obviously.

[A]

You bought it off a freshman in the dorm.

[B]

I had a friend who was making them okay. I mean, it was literally glued to the back of a Blockbuster card. You couldn't take it out of the wallet. Oh, you know, had the wallet with the clear thing. And you would just like give them that. You know, if they said take it out, then you're like, actually, I gotta go.

[A]

Actually, I have diarrhea. I gotta go home right now. Yeah, that's I just remembered I have

[B]

diarrhea, so he made me and I cried.

[A]

There's a fugazi. You cried?

[B]

Yeah. I was so embarrassed.

[F]

Janine's coming out somewhere over here. Gabby might be hi, too. Hold on. I'm giving my AirPods.

[D]

Oh, God.

[A]

My God, look at this. You're still friends.

[E]

Roommates to best friends.

[B]

That is so cute.

[A]

Who's the third member?

[F]

I'm was not a part of the story.

[B]

I met them after, but I'm just a huge armchair.

[F]

And so Lee and I text all the time when episodes come out where

[B]

I was just, like, bonding over it,

[E]

and she was like, okay, you have

[F]

to come over for some moral support for the story and sneak in and

[B]

say hi if you can.

[F]

So just wanted to say I'm a huge fan.

[A]

Oh, we love it. All right, well, nice meeting all of you.

[B]

Yes. Yeah, nice meeting you, too.

[E]

Thank you for letting us. Yeah, thank you.

[B]

So fun.

[C]

Bye.

[A]

Katie, where are you camping?

[E]

I'm currently camping in my living room.

[A]

Oh, I love it.

[B]

Are those rosettes?

[E]

Oh, no, this is part of a fort kit that my children own.

[A]

Oh, yeah, we had the same one. And I come across big, big tubs of the poles and the joining pieces all the time and think, are we really still ever going to play with this? Can we please get rid of it? And we don't.

[E]

Well, now they're also weapons.

[A]

Oh, sure. Sure, sure, sure, sure.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, look at it. It's just dying to be swung at a sibling. Where are you at in the world

[E]

outside of Washington, D.C. and Northern Virginia?

[A]

Oh, okay, wonderful. What kind of weather do you have over there? Right now?

[E]

It's a little chilly, but the sun is starting to come back out, so I'm slowly getting out of my seasonal depression.

[B]

Oh, good. I driving with the windows down yet?

[E]

Yes. Sunroof wide open.

[A]

Oh, it's a big, big moment.

[B]

You know, in my planner, I have to write down what I'm grateful for every day.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And yesterday I wrote Sunshine. It's a good one because it's a real good one.

[A]

So you have a bar story?

[E]

I do. So this story takes place in a small college town in Virginia. I am a college sophomore in this story, and I am not yet 21, so I am going to the bars with a fake id. That is pretty bad.

[A]

And where did you get it?

[B]

The variety of.

[A]

Yeah, we're learning a lot about fake IDs on this episode. I'm learning a lot about fake IDs on this episode. What was your variety?

[E]

We Found some guy that did fakes. It wasn't like a real id. It was created for me. And so I basically traded a Kate Spade bag that my aunt gave me for this id.

[A]

Oh, that's pretty expensive. Better be a good fake.

[E]

It was bad.

[A]

Did you have to take a picture or did you use an existing one? How was it constructed?

[E]

They took a picture and then it was horribly laminated. And then they didn't even, like, sand down or round it, so it was pointy.

[A]

Oh, sharp. Dangerous to retrieve out of the wallet. Yeah.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

And how successful was it as a fake I.D. did it work?

[E]

If they ever used the scanner, which they started using as I was getting closer to 21, I would not make it in, but for the most part, it did its job.

[A]

Okay, great.

[E]

I love that it's a Thursday night. It's the local bar that everyone goes to. It's only college students, and it's one of those special college bars that has this big open space where you can dance and it's like a club, but then as soon as you enter these other doors, it's just like a restaurant and bar. So it's pitcher night. It's two for one, and I have two pitchers, and I'm going to meet my friends. I'm already wasted. We're already making our way towards this club space. So it's like a different feel now. I am hammered. And as I'm walking, I'm in my heels and my black lacy going out top. I'm strutting my stuff. I slip on a puddle of something and I fall face forward and I catch myself with my mouth.

[A]

Okay, okay. You break your fall with your teeth.

[E]

I did. I broke my spot with my teeth.

[B]

Because you couldn't let those pictures go.

[E]

I didn't. I needed to. It was a priority. I had to get them to my friends. So I fell and I knocked all four of my friends.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. This is really a serious tumble.

[E]

It was in a, like, crescent moon shape across all four.

[A]

Oh, wait, they broke off. The roots didn't come out?

[E]

No, the roots didn't come out, but they all broke off. Which was actually pretty fortunate for me later that they didn't all actually come out.

[A]

Wait, can I ask you quickly, like, what's the pain of your teeth cracking off?

[E]

There's zero pain.

[A]

Oh, that's nice.

[E]

I feel nothing.

[B]

But you're drunk, which helps.

[E]

Could also be a little shock.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you run your tongue along your teeth and you go, oh, there's a moonshine.

[E]

Yeah, I Don't run my tongue along my teeth. I just run my tongue through my teeth really quick.

[A]

Do you look on the ground for the pieces of teeth?

[E]

So this is where it actually gets bad. My guy friends that lived around the corner from me, they saw this whole thing, and they watched me fit my teeth into my hands, look at them, like, really pissed off, and then throw them across the floor of the bar.

[A]

Gangster move. I like it.

[E]

So they did frantically look for my teeth, but we never saw them again, which was also a blessing because the dentist would have tried to glue them. It wouldn't have looked good.

[A]

Yeah, okay. Big, big seam across your smile.

[E]

I'm wasted at this point. And my guy friends being guys were like, we want to stay at the bar. So they usher me into a cab, one with people I don't know. So strangers are now bringing me home. They decided that finding my friends was not the best option.

[A]

Oh, my God. Well, really quick. I mean, maybe they saw what disregard you had for your teeth, and they were like, oh, she doesn't care about shit. Just put them with strangers. She doesn't care. Am I.

[B]

They can't care. They should care.

[E]

It was just a normal night for me. So I get inside and I'm by myself, and I'm not really sure what to do. I'm not really panicking. It could still be that I was in shock, but everything seems fine. I do call my mom, and it's probably 11 or 12 at night on a Thursday night. She's sleeping. She's two hours away. And I leave her a message. And all I say is, they're gone.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[E]

And then my roommate comes in. And so I hang up the phone and I don't say anything else. My roommate quickly calls my boyfriend, who is long distance, and she quickly just tells him what's going on before we go to the er. And she says, katie fell at the bar. Which he heard as Katie fell off the bar.

[A]

Oh.

[E]

So he's thinking I was dancing on the bar.

[B]

Oh. And he's pissed now he's starting to get jealous. I told her never to do that anymore.

[E]

It made me want to actually have dance on the bar. Like I wish I had done it. So we do go to the er and the doctor is unfazed by us. We're wasted. He checks me for head trauma. I'm fine. He says, you just need to go to the dentist in the morning. Everything's fine. He does prescribe me Percocet.

[A]

Oh.

[E]

It was also fun to stay at the Pharmacy with my list. So Percocet. So we proceed to go home. Everything's fine. I go to sleep and I wake up at seven in the morning from a phone call from my mom. And she is just like, what is happening? What's gone? So I tell her everything and she says, okay, I'll be there in two hours. So on her way, she does make a dentist appointment for me. And I went back to sleep. I made no effort to clean myself up. I have last night's makeup on. I have maybe like those Juicy Couture sweatpants on with Juicy across my butt. A crop top. I look like a mess. I smell like a bar. My mom is clearly ashamed of my choices.

[A]

The caps off the Percocet bottle sitting on the nightstand.

[E]

She did make me give her the Percocet.

[B]

Yeah, smart.

[E]

She takes me to the dentist and the minute that I walk in, I realize that my Jesus loving mother has taken me to the most Christian dentist there could ever be. And I know that she's not acting that disappointed, but that this is her form of retribution for me. I proceed to spend the next two hours in the dentist chair smelling like bar and staring up at scenes from the Bible, listening to all the Jesus music there is in the world.

[A]

Oh, so they had adorned the ceiling with Jesus iconography.

[E]

It was wow.

[A]

So did this dentist, did he send you out with a smile? I mean he's gotta make fake crowns or veneers.

[E]

It was actually really impressive. So I needed a root canal because I did kill one of my roots. So I had to do that. And then they had to grind down all four of the teeth so that they could put veneers on.

[B]

Yeah, that's kind of fun. See, it's an excuse to get veneers.

[A]

Have you had to have them replaced?

[E]

I already had to have them replaced once. So that first time was on my parents dime and then this last time was not.

[A]

They're pricey, right?

[E]

They are pricey.

[A]

You want nice ones?

[B]

Well, you have nice ones. Your teeth look great. Great.

[E]

Thank you. My husband said that I needed to make sure I brush them before I talk to you guys.

[A]

Oh, that was nice of him. What I'm mad about in these post apocalyptic shows is they don't show people whose veneers have fallen out. Like there should be a good percentage of the people in post apocalypt America who have the shark teeth I really

[E]

need to store up on like the dental glue just in case.

[A]

Yeah, you're going to want to be able to put them back in there. Other people will be grabbing water and stuff, and you'll be grabbing fix a dent or whatever it's called. Oh, well, Katie, it's lovely meeting you.

[E]

Lovely meeting you guys, too. Thank you so much for all you do.

[A]

Oh, our pleasure.

[B]

Thank you for listening.

[A]

All right, take care.

[B]

Bye.

[E]

You too. Goodbye.

[A]

Bye. All right, love you.

[B]

Love you.

[A]

Have fun at the bar tonight. Anyone who's going out, try to keep your teeth.

[B]

Yeah. Be safe out there.

[A]

Don't get in any fights. Use a high quality fake ID if you must.

[B]

Then condom.

[A]

All right, love you.

[B]

Bye.

[D]

Do you want to sing a tune or something with a theme song?

[A]

Oh, okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of armchairs, we'll get some suggestions on the fly rhyme dish on the fire rhyme dish. Enjoy.