Armchair Anonymous: Children's Party

Summary

Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard Episode Summary: "Armchair Anonymous: Children's Party" Release Date: March 21, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode of "Armchair Anonymous," host Buck Rogers and co-host Gene Lightyear delve into the chaotic and often humorous world of children's birthday parties gone awry. Joined by guests Monica, Justin, Larson, and Ariana, the trio shares their personal tales of unforgettable birthday celebrations that took unexpected turns. Through laughter, mishaps, and poignant moments, the episode explores the complexities and joys of organizing and attending children's parties.

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Monica's Hard Rock Cafe Mishap

Timestamp: 03:00 - 11:58

Monica recounts her experience working as a server at Hard Rock Cafe during a particularly hectic Saturday night. While juggling multiple tables and striving to upsell appetizers, she inadvertently causes a scene at a children's birthday party.

• The Incident:

  • Timestamp: [06:11] Monica describes the situation: "I put the salsa there with the guacamole. So I'm about to look at them and say, I'll be right back with your salad."
  • During her multitasking, Monica accidentally drops salsa on the birthday girl's head, turning a fun celebration into chaos.

• Managing the Aftermath:

  • Timestamp: [07:35] Monica narrates the aftermath: "I dropped the nachos, I grabbed the ramekin with one hand, I scooped the salsa with my other hand, and I bolt."
  • Despite the initial panic, Monica's quick response and assistance from her manager help de-escalate the situation. The birthday girl eventually stops crying, and laughter resumes among the guests.

• Notable Quote:

  • Monica [09:04]: "I'm very panicked. I run to the back. I see my manager. I'm like, I dropped the sauce on the birthday girl's head."

• Outcome:

  • The father of the birthday girl compensates Monica with a cash tip, acknowledging the mishap with a nod: "You ruined her birthday, but I guess you made his night." (Timestamp: [10:16])

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Justin's Salem Sleepover Scare

Timestamp: 19:18 - 26:12

Justin shares a spine-chilling story from his 12th birthday party in 2005, set in an empty house during a family move. The night takes a terrifying turn when his stepfather orchestrates a haunted house prank.

• Setting the Scene:

  • Timestamp: [19:30] Justin explains, "It was about 10:00 at night. All the girls are starting to go to sleep... about 3:00 in the morning."
  • The party is held in a vacant house with eerie features like an old confessional converted into a coat closet.

• The Prank:

  • Timestamp: [22:26] Justin reveals, "My stepdad... rigged a tape in the upstairs closet of the house to go off at 3:30 in the morning."
  • Unexpected sounds such as thunder, creaking floorboards, chains rattling, and children's singing send the guests into a frenzy of fear.

• Climactic Revelation:

  • Timestamp: [23:36] Justin discloses the truth: "He was laughing so hard... he rigged a tape... to play Halloween sounds."
  • The revelation eases the panic, but the memory leaves a lasting impact on Justin and his friends.

• Notable Quote:

  • Justin [24:54]: "He got overly excited. [...] [His plan] was their big glass windows in the house. He was going to have our neighbor come with a bloody mask and a chainsaw and bang on the window."

• Aftermath:

  • The prank damages Justin's relationships with his friends, leading to long periods without hangouts. However, the experience becomes a memorable story from his youth.

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Larson's Ice Skating Accident

Timestamp: 27:04 - 32:54**

Larson recounts a painful yet enlightening experience from his seven-year-old self during his first ice skating birthday party.

• The Accident:

  • Timestamp: [27:10] Larson describes attempting to impress his friend Betsy Goodwin by skating at high speed: "We were skating around the rink, and it felt like we were going lightning speed. And all of a sudden I fall."
  • While falling, Larson and Betsy were holding hands, leading to an accidental injury where Betsy's skate runs over his fingers.

• Handling the Injury:

  • Timestamp: [29:01] Larson explains the immediate aftermath: "We go to the bathroom, and my mom starts trying to wash my hands to see the cut."
  • Despite the pain and bleeding, Larson remains composed, having his hand treated promptly.

• Recovery and Reflections:

  • Timestamp: [31:28] Larson shares his cautious approach to ice skating post-accident: "Every time we go ice skating now, anytime someone falls I immediately clutch my own hands."
  • The incident instilled a long-lasting awareness and caution regarding physical activities.

• Notable Quote:

  • Larson [29:21]: "Just get the stitches in me. Because the numbing medicine hurts far worse than the stitches do."

• Impact on Life:

  • The accident shaped Larson's perception of physical safety and sportsmanship, leading him to eventually step away from gymnastics due to another injury.

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Ariana's Invitation Mix-Up with a Parolee

Timestamp: 34:51 - 43:52

Ariana narrates a nerve-wracking experience stemming from a simple typo while sending out birthday party invitations via Evite.

• The Mistake:

  • Timestamp: [36:34] Ariana explains the error: "I put a six instead of a seven on the end. [...] I mistakenly sent an invitation to one of the most violent, vicious child sex offenders."
  • The typo results in a parole officer contacting her, concerned about the invitation sent to a dangerous individual.

• Interaction with Law Enforcement:

  • Timestamp: [37:03] Ariana recounts the call: "Officer... I need you to confirm that you intended to send an invitation to one of my parolees."
  • The conversation reveals the severity of the recipient's criminal background, intensifying Ariana's fear.

• Resolution:

  • Timestamp: [42:16] Ariana details the outcome: "I texted him day of. But then I face this super serious moral dilemma... I do tell the friend of mine who..."
  • The parole officer ultimately confirms that the individual remains at his residence, assuring Ariana that no immediate threat exists.

• Notable Quote:

  • Ariana [37:36]: "I always thought if I send an invite through an online service, it's safe, but this shows how careful we need to be."

• Lessons Learned:

  • The incident underscores the importance of double-checking contact information and remaining vigilant when organizing events. Ariana emphasizes the potential dangers of seemingly minor mistakes.

---

Key Discussions and Insights

1. The Unpredictability of Events:

   • Children's parties are designed to be joyful and memorable, but unforeseen circumstances can quickly turn celebrations into chaotic or even traumatic experiences. The guests reflect on how quickly situations can escalate and the importance of being prepared for emergencies.

2. Handling Mistakes with Grace:

   • Whether it's Monica dropping salsa or Ariana sending an invitation to the wrong person, the stories highlight the significance of addressing mistakes promptly and responsibly. The ability to remain calm and rectify errors can mitigate negative outcomes.

3. The Role of Support Systems:

   • Throughout the episode, the importance of having a reliable support system is emphasized. Whether it's a manager assisting Monica or family members calming a panicked Ariana, having trusted individuals to lean on during crises is invaluable.

4. Humor Amidst Chaos:

   • Despite the serious nature of some incidents, the guests often find humor in their stories. This approach not only makes the narratives engaging but also serves as a coping mechanism for dealing with past mishaps.

5. Reflecting on Personal Growth:

   • Each guest's story is a testament to personal growth and resilience. From overcoming fears of ice skating to navigating the complexities of event planning, the experiences shared demonstrate how setbacks can lead to greater self-awareness and improvement.

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Conclusion

"Armchair Anonymous: Children's Party" offers a humorous yet insightful exploration of the unpredictable nature of children's birthday celebrations. Through shared personal anecdotes, the episode underscores the importance of preparedness, resilience, and the ability to find humor in the face of mishaps. Listeners are reminded that while not every party goes as planned, the stories that emerge from these experiences contribute to the rich tapestry of human life.

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Notable Quotes

• Monica [07:39]: "I'm 23, I'm panicked. I run to the back. I see my manager."
• Justin [23:55]: "He thought it was your 16th birthday party, not your... He got a little confused on your age."
• Larson [29:21]: "Just get the stitches in me. Because the numbing medicine hurts far worse than the stitches do."
• Ariana [37:36]: "I always thought if I send an invite through an online service, it's safe, but this shows how careful we need to be."

---

Final Thoughts

This episode of "Armchair Anonymous" serves as a reminder that while children's parties are intended to celebrate joy and milestones, they can sometimes become arenas for unexpected challenges. The candid and engaging storytelling by Monica, Justin, Larson, and Ariana offers both entertainment and valuable lessons on handling life's unpredictable moments.

Transcript

[Buck Rogers]

Wondry plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free right now. Join Wondri in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome welcome welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Buck Rogers and I'm joined by Gene Lightyear. Today is children's birthday parties run amok.

[Gene Lightyear]

Well, you know these children, they're wild, they're terrible and you just don't know what's gonna happen.

[Buck Rogers]

Although a lot of these stories, the parents are terrible, you know, good bounces back and forth nicely. Please enjoy crazy birthday party stories. We are supported by Tropical Smoothie Cafe. Unwind and refresh at Tropical Smoothie Cafe with freshly made smoothies and tropic bowls that instantly transport you to tropic time. One bite or one sip and you'll instantly feel like you're cabana side. Made with refreshing fruit and tropical flavors. Eating your fruit and veggies has never been this fun.

[Gene Lightyear]

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[Buck Rogers]

Ooh ooh. It could taste like our favorite ice cream with cherries in it.

[Gene Lightyear]

Oh yeah. So we would add cherries, maybe almond. Let's add some spinach in there for.

[Buck Rogers]

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[Monica]

Yes, I can hear you. Can you hear me?

[Gene Lightyear]

Oh yeah.

[Buck Rogers]

I don't know if anyone's ever sounded better.

[Gene Lightyear]

I like the setup. It looks profesh.

[Monica]

This is one of those Huge blankets. Do you remember those ads on Instagram a couple years ago?

[Gene Lightyear]

I didn't get targeted, but I'm still me either.

[Buck Rogers]

Like, how big are we talking? Would it cover the whole floor of a bedroom?

[Monica]

Huge. I got it for my husband for Valentine's day. It's like four blankets in one.

[Buck Rogers]

Oh, wonderful. Like 20 by 20 maybe or something.

[Monica]

Yeah.

[Buck Rogers]

And where are you?

[Monica]

I'm in West Orange, New Jersey. It's, like, right outside New York City.

[Buck Rogers]

That's my first time hearing West Orange.

[Gene Lightyear]

Me too.

[Buck Rogers]

You'll be happy to know, Monica, I can't say anything about the geography of it. I'm just learning of it.

[Gene Lightyear]

You can do whatever you want. Your geography.

[Buck Rogers]

Okay, Justin, you have a crazy children's birthday party story.

[Monica]

I do. But first. Cause if I forget, she'll kill me. My best friend Gia turned me on to you guys.

[Buck Rogers]

Shout out Gia.

[Monica]

She's a day one armchair obsessed. Then during quarantine lockdown, I got into it, and I fell in love. Obviously, too. And then, Monica, I started listening when you were doing your egg retrieval, My husband and I were going through the process as well to have our daughter, which we had her. She's here.

[Buck Rogers]

Oh, congrats.

[Gene Lightyear]

Congratulations.

[Monica]

Thank you. But it was so helpful just to hear your experience with the egg retrieval. Because not just women who are doing it, but families like ours who kind of could naturally. Just to hear every detail of what you went through was really, really helpful.

[Gene Lightyear]

Thank you.

[Monica]

Then looking you up, I was like, she looks really familiar to me. And I couldn't figure it out. And I lived in l. A. For 10 years.

[Buck Rogers]

Oh, SoulCycle.

[Monica]

I used to bartend at the Abbey for four years. And I was like, did I maybe make her a drink at some point?

[Gene Lightyear]

I think I've been to the Abbey once, so maybe you'd have a great memory.

[Buck Rogers]

You must have been f slain bartending at the Abbey. Were you just living your greatest life?

[Monica]

Yes. It was good that I got out. But this story, this was 2003. I had just graduated from Mason Gross, which is the acting conservatory at Rutgers. So I was 23. I just moved to New York City. I was living in Astoria, Queens, in this little closet that was a bedroom. And I was waiting tables at Hard Rock Cafe.

[Buck Rogers]

Oh, yes, great nachos.

[Monica]

I got a job there. I thought it would be cool. And they were like, you need New York experience to work here. So I lied. And so it was a Saturday night, super crazy busy. A lot of tourists come through, so the tips kind of suck. You're working With a constant feeling of rage. And I get sat with a birthday party. So it's the mom, the dad, and about eight, ten year old girls.

[Buck Rogers]

Oh, wow.

[Monica]

So I approach the table and I'm like, let me get this drink order. And via the drink order, I learn a few things. First is that this is a family of privilege.

[Gene Lightyear]

I mean, a Hard Rock Cafe birthday. Yeah, that's.

[Buck Rogers]

It's a pricey. Yeah, you're spending 6, $700 for those little girls to have dinner.

[Gene Lightyear]

Nachos.

[Monica]

They brought these kids into the city for a night and they want to impress the parents of these other little girls. The birthday girls got like full beat hair done. So I'm taking their drink orders. They're all like, milkshake. They're talking down to me. The mom's like, these are the only chardonnays you have. And I'm like, well, Kendall Jackson' and she's like, I guess that'll do. The dad's like, beer, keep it coming. I'm like, he'll be on my side tonight. I come back and I'm like, let's get the appetizers now. In our pre shift meeting, every shift they sit us down and they're like, you must upsell. You must sell souvenir glasses. They threaten us to get good shifts and good sections. So I'm offering the jumbo combo, which is like the biggest appetizer. It's this big thing in the middle of spring rolls, all the things around it, you know. So I'm like, that and the nachos. I'm pushing all the best shit.

[Buck Rogers]

Yeah.

[Monica]

And they're like, yeah. Order comes up and I'm in the back getting it ready and it's busy. The waiter's all running around and I'm like, I only have two hands. We're supposed to put on a separate plate the guacamole and the salsa with.

[Justin]

A little napkin underneath.

[Monica]

But I'm like, fuck it, I'm not doing that. I put the salsa on the side, guacamole on the other side. Got the jumbo combo and the nachos. And I come out to the table, put down the jumbo combo, and then I'm going to put down the nachos and I clear more space for them and I'm like, I swear I put the salsa there with the guacamole. So I'm about to look at them and say, I'll be right back with your salad. Meanwhile, I have like four other tables and I look at them and they're all just wide eyed, mouths dropped open. So I follow their eye line to the birthday girl who's seated right beneath me. And the ramekin of salsa is on.

[Gene Lightyear]

Top of her head.

[Buck Rogers]

Oh, it's actually on her like a hat.

[Monica]

Like a hat.

[Buck Rogers]

Oh, boy.

[Monica]

So I dropped the nachos, I grabbed the ramekin with one hand, I scooped the salsa with my other hand, and I bolt.

[Gene Lightyear]

Oh, wow.

[Buck Rogers]

Okay, okay.

[Monica]

And so I ran up to my friend in the back and I said, I just dropped the sauce on the fucking birthday girl's head. So I grabbed the little beverage naps that I was supposed to put on the plate. I run out there, and the mom is standing up, picking onion chunks of tomato. And I come up. I'm scared to death, this mother. And I approach and I say, here's some napkins. And she slowly turns to me and says, could you bring a clean wet towel?

[Gene Lightyear]

Yeah, that feels fair.

[Buck Rogers]

In her defense, that probably was what was needed.

[Gene Lightyear]

Yeah, these tiny. Now they're not gonna do anything.

[Monica]

I'm 23, I'm panicked. I run to the back. I see my manager. I'm like, I dropped the sauce on the birthday girl's head. Can you get a clean wet towel? He gets it. I ring in the dinner. The rest of the meal goes off without a hitch. The birthday girl has stopped crying. They're laughing. Beautiful sight. The mom's drunk, the dad's drunk. Looking at the rock and roll memorabilia now, I'm feeling the spirit. I'm like, this is a great party. I'm gonna make this up for her. So at the Hard Rock, we're supposed to do a big birthday announcement. They want us to scream, get everyone's attention. Make it rock and roll. I hated doing these things. I'd always pay the K Mohawk 5 bucks to do it for me.

[Buck Rogers]

Which is ironic because you're in pursuit of performing. These are these weird contradictions we have. Right.

[Gene Lightyear]

But it felt below you.

[Monica]

Yes, I went to Mason Grove School of the Art.

[Gene Lightyear]

Exactly.

[Monica]

But this birthday, I was doing it. So I went to the back and I told the dessert woman. I was like, make this good. Extra whipped cream. And so this was in a large margarita glass, plastic.

[Buck Rogers]

What a restaurant. I want to go so bad. I want all this. I don't care how bad I feel the next day.

[Monica]

So it's a big brownie on the bottom, three scoops of vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup, carame whipped cream, cherry on top. I put the candle on top. I take it, I march out there. All their eyes Light up. I'm like, get up. She's like, no, no, no, no, no. I'm like, get out of your seat. I pull her up myself.

[Buck Rogers]

Oh, wow. Okay.

[Monica]

I pull her chair up. I'm like, get up on your chair.

[Buck Rogers]

Oh.

[Monica]

She's like, oh, my God.

[Buck Rogers]

No.

[Monica]

I'm like, get up on the chair. She gets up on the chair, your tongue changes.

[Buck Rogers]

Get the fuck on the chair, birthday girl.

[Monica]

This is what they made us do. So I light the candle. I hand her the sundae, and I turn around, I face the restaurant, and I yell, attention, Hard Rock Cafe. They want us to do, like, how's everyone doing tonight?

[Gene Lightyear]

Oh, gosh.

[Buck Rogers]

Oh, yeah. Crowd participation. Don't forget to check out the merch. We got to get rid of some of these hats. A double dip.

[Monica]

Attention, Hard Rock Cafe. This is whatever her name is birthday tonight. I want everyone on the count of three to say, happy Birthday. And there's a collective gas again. And I was like, oh, my God, no. So I slowly turn around, and she's on her back. The chair is tipped backwards. The sundae's on her chest. Her face, it looks like it exploded everywhere. She's screaming, crying. All the girls are jumping up. The mother's looking at me like, you're fucking dead.

[Buck Rogers]

Yeah. You're literally the worst server ever.

[Monica]

I look at the dad, and he's trying so hard not to laugh.

[Buck Rogers]

Okay, good. He's blasted enough. He's seeing the humor in it.

[Monica]

I again run away.

[Gene Lightyear]

I hope to get a wet towel this time.

[Monica]

I go in the back, I find my manager, and I say, can you please bring a clean, wet towel? So I go out there, trying to avoid eye contact, hoping they're cleaned up and someone's taking care of the chick. And I feel a tap, tap, tap. And I turn around, it's the dad. And he slips me two twenties, and he gives me a little nod. And so I said, well, I ruined her birthday, but I guess I made his night.

[Buck Rogers]

Wow. He's surrounded by all these little girls and this woman. And then he saw another man enter and have the same terrible luck he has. He's like, I know, brother. I know what it's like to disappoint these gals. I do it daily. Here's 40 bucks.

[Gene Lightyear]

That was really nice of him.

[Monica]

And it's not like I was doing these things on purpose, right?

[Buck Rogers]

It's not your fault she's got terrible balance.

[Gene Lightyear]

It is your fault that you made her stand up on that chair.

[Buck Rogers]

Well, I don't think the chair was the issue as much as do not hand her something that weighs a third of much as her body mass and put her in a precarious. It was one or the other. Either have her hold the dessert or get her up on the chair, but not both.

[Gene Lightyear]

I think these are the lessons we learn in life. You came out really unscathed, I gotta say.

[Buck Rogers]

Did mom sign the tip on the master bill? Did you get a pretty shit tip? Aside from the 40?

[Monica]

What I do remember is that parties of six or more, they would include the tip. And that one, my manager was like, we're not including the tip.

[Gene Lightyear]

Oh, I'm surprised the meal wasn't free.

[Monica]

He probably comped the jumbo combo.

[Buck Rogers]

Maybe that dessert that almost gave her a concussion. Thank God the fucking thing was in a plastic.

[Gene Lightyear]

I know.

[Buck Rogers]

Yeah. If you would have looked down, there was blood everywhere.

[Gene Lightyear]

Oh.

[Buck Rogers]

You could be telling a much different story. Time that you murdered a 10 year old at her birthday party.

[Monica]

Different prompt.

[Gene Lightyear]

Exactly. Thank you for that story.

[Buck Rogers]

Yes, thank you, Justin.

[Monica]

Thank you for having me. Can I go yell at my husband? Bring him in here.

[Buck Rogers]

Yes, of course. Hi, what's your name?

[Monica]

Mock.

[Buck Rogers]

Are you from the uk?

[Monica]

I'm British.

[Buck Rogers]

Oh, Ew.

[Gene Lightyear]

Who's this cutie pie?

[Monica]

She also has a bit of a weird accent because she's raised by the two of us.

[Buck Rogers]

Yes.

[Monica]

She's half Jersey, half British. This is Larson. Jean.

[Buck Rogers]

Hi.

[Ariana]

Hey, Monica.

[Buck Rogers]

Hi, Monica. Oh, hi, Monka.

[Gene Lightyear]

Hi.

[Buck Rogers]

Well, you guys, thank you guys. Congrats on this beautiful family.

[Monica]

Thank you.

[Buck Rogers]

All right, be well. Take care. Thanks for having me. Love you both. All right, bye. Nothing here than hearing your name from a little baby.

[Gene Lightyear]

Noah said it the other day and it was so cute.

[Buck Rogers]

He said Manka.

[Gene Lightyear]

Yeah.

[Buck Rogers]

Does he say Monica or does he say.

[Gene Lightyear]

No, no, no. It takes them a long, long time to get that middle syllable. That's a hard one.

[Buck Rogers]

Because my kids did manka a bit.

[Gene Lightyear]

Manka and Mama. Ma.

[Buck Rogers]

Ma. Ma.

[Gene Lightyear]

That was Delta.

[Buck Rogers]

I wish this is a fact check so I could tell you Delta's most recent story. Oh, I'll say in a nutshell. The Aarons are in town. She's not been around the three of us. She's just meeting Tyrell for the first time. I'm going to put her in bed last night. And she goes, dad, do you think Tyrell ever feels left out? And I said, oh, that's such a beautiful instinct to worry about that, but I don't think so. We've been all really great friends for 35 years and I think he's maybe a little shyer. And she goes, okay, did you ask him that or are you assuming that? And I go, fuck, I'm assuming it. Do you want to go ask him? And she goes, yeah, let's go talk to him. So we went downstairs, and the Aarons were downstairs tv. And we said, tyrell, can we ask you a question? And then we got this question out. And he was like, oh, my God, thanks for worrying about that. I have a relationship with each of them individually. And then when they're together, this new person emerges, and I just enjoy watching and I'm glad I don't have to talk. So he just, like, walked through the whole thing. I was like, oh, thank God I assumed correctly. But she was right. I never asked him, but I assumed that was the case.

[Gene Lightyear]

Oh, she's always looking out.

[Buck Rogers]

She's so empathetic. Yeah, is.

[Gene Lightyear]

You know, I take her for her birthday.

[Buck Rogers]

Yeah.

[Gene Lightyear]

To the reckless unicorn and Target the year we had lumped in Christmas and her birthday. And so Lincoln came. We all went, this year we didn't do that. And so I took her. And then on the way home, she said, do you take Lincoln on a shopping spree for her birthday? And I was like, well, no, I don't. Something that we just started for me and you, but maybe I should start doing that. And she was like, yeah. Instead of just being like, I get this special thing like I would do. She's very rare. I know, but it makes me think, then I need to give you a shopping spree every day. Like, you deserve so many shots.

[Buck Rogers]

Right? Right. We are supported by better help. Support systems are so important the most.

[Gene Lightyear]

Some would say, yeah.

[Buck Rogers]

I have a. Just a slew of people I rely on.

[Gene Lightyear]

Yeah, me too.

[Buck Rogers]

Tom Hansen, I'm talking to you. In a society that glorifies hyper independence, it's easy to forget that we're all better when we have a support system behind us. Therapy can be a source of support for any area of your life. It's time to shift the focus from doing it all to knowing we're better when we ask for help. I have a very hard time asking for help.

[Gene Lightyear]

Yeah, therapy's great. We all. I mean, we can't really say it enough. We love it, swear by it. Yeah, look forward to it.

[Buck Rogers]

The best part about better help is it's fully online, which helps make therapy affordable and convenient. Serving over 5 million people worldwide. Access a diverse network of more than 30,000 credentialed therapists with a wide range of specialties, and you can easily Switch therapists anytime at no extra cost. Build your support system with better help. Visit betterhelp.comdax today to get 10 off your first month. That's betterhelp H-L-P.comdax we are supported by Allstate. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first. Like, you know to check that you brought your towel first before diving into a swimming pool. Or like, you know to check that you have the tickets in your wallet first before you drive two hours to the big game and they won't let you in. Like, you know to check your trunk for reusable shopping bags first before you get to the grocery store checkout line and need to buy paper bags again. Checking first is smart, so check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Savings vary, subject to terms, conditions and availability. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

[Justin]

Thumbtack presents the ins and outs of caring for your home out Procrastination. Putting it off, kicking the can down the road in plans and guides that make it easy to get home projects done out Carpet in the bathroom. Like, why? In knowing what to do, when to do it, and who to hire. Start caring for your home with confidence. Download Thumbtack today. Hello.

[Gene Lightyear]

Oh, wonderful.

[Buck Rogers]

You're in a vehicle.

[Justin]

Monica, I am so sorry I'm not in the closet.

[Gene Lightyear]

No, you sound great.

[Justin]

I work for my car and I tried so hard to find a street that was extra quiet. And for whatever reason, today it's like the Audubon.

[Gene Lightyear]

No, you're fine.

[Buck Rogers]

What job are you running out of your vehicle? I'm so interested.

[Justin]

I am in wine sales.

[Buck Rogers]

Oh, there we go.

[Justin]

So I have a trunk full of wine, I work for a distributor and I travel from account to account and sample them online and then bring home whatever doesn't get tasted.

[Gene Lightyear]

Oh, my.

[Buck Rogers]

Monica's backup dream job missed out. Wow. You thought you had your dream job, but you don't.

[Gene Lightyear]

I guess I don't.

[Justin]

It's a wonderful gig, I will not lie.

[Buck Rogers]

What state are you in? Actually, hold on. I'm going to guess base. Nothing more than there are two buildings behind you that are clapboard and they look like they're from the 1800s. So I'm going New England. I'm starting in New England. Are you in New England?

[Gene Lightyear]

London?

[Buck Rogers]

Old England. Yeah, I'm going New England.

[Gene Lightyear]

Original England.

[Justin]

Dax, you are correct. I am actually in Rhode Island.

[Buck Rogers]

In Rhode Island.

[Gene Lightyear]

Wow. I don't think we get many Rhode Islanders. This is exciting.

[Buck Rogers]

Did you appreciate that one? That was fun. Because that's just a building in the background.

[Gene Lightyear]

Because that blue door felt very London to me.

[Buck Rogers]

It's the yellow and red houses and the deep bg. That's a giveaway.

[Gene Lightyear]

Wow.

[Justin]

I'm actually right now pretty much on the Brown University campus because Brown takes up most of Providence. So I'm on a really beautiful street that is just all old houses that.

[Monica]

A lot of students live in.

[Gene Lightyear]

If you run into any hot professors, send them my way.

[Justin]

I will send them your way. I was going to tell you I had a bone pick with you about Rhode island having little brother energy.

[Buck Rogers]

Oh, there you go.

[Gene Lightyear]

I forgot.

[Buck Rogers]

It's about time. Let it rip.

[Justin]

I've been really working on this for a while. Wondering if I've ever had the opportunity. Opportunity.

[Gene Lightyear]

Let's hear it. I deserve to be taken down a peg.

[Justin]

I'm gonna go about it in a very nice way. Rhode island is an incredible state. Born here, raised here. I've moved away. I most recently moved back from Austin, Texas. Rhode island is very, very special. There's more coastline here. It's stunning. So give it a chance.

[Gene Lightyear]

I will. From what I'm seeing, it looks beautiful. I mean, little brothers are beautiful.

[Buck Rogers]

Okay. You have a crazy birthday party story.

[Justin]

I do. My story takes takes place in 2005. It was my 12th birthday party. Fun fact. My birthday is on Halloween, which means that every year I get to have cake, candy, and I get to dress up and I get to do something Halloween related. And it's really wonderful. This year in 2005, my family was actually in the middle of a move. So my stepdad had built my family a house that was gorgeous. And it looked like a big, big old red barn from the outside. So when you walk in, the ceiling shot up 27ft and the second floor started in the middle of the house. So if you were on the second floor, you could yell down to the first floor and have a conversation. So the acoustics were crazy in the house. However, around this time, my mom decided she wanted to move. She wanted to live on a real farm. We had found a farm. We moved out of our old house, but we hadn't closed the deal yet. So we still own the house. There was no furniture in it. So I decided for my birthday this year that I wanted to take all of my friends, a group of 9, 11 year olds, up to Salem, Mass. Salem, Massachusetts is known particularly around Halloween time because it's where The Salem Witch Trials took place during Halloween. There's haunted houses and mock witch trials and wax museums and ghost tours and all of this fun stuff. Something that I loved at 11. Probably not. My group of friends. I do idea of fun at the time, especially when they were about two hours away from home and not with their parents anywhere. I was very lucky my friends agreed. They all came, but then we had a sleepover afterwards back at my old house, which was entirely empty with the exception of a television. All of my friends brought sleeping bags with them. It's a little creepy. There were some really funky features in the house that my stepdad had built in. Like he put an old confessional from a church in the house that was used as a coat closet.

[Gene Lightyear]

Oh, cool.

[Buck Rogers]

Interesting.

[Justin]

My mom had a giant wrought iron gate that was the entrance to her office area. So just something really funky. When you get back from a haunted night of things and you're 11 years old in a vacant pitch black house, it's things that can freak you out a little. So it's about 10:00 at night. All the girls are starting to go to sleep. I fall asleep very quickly. I have a tendency to do that. My mom decided to go sleep in a back bedroom in a sleeping bag while all the girls slept in a sleeping bag in the front front area of the house. Everyone's falling asleep. About two girls were left awake. So now it's like 3:00 in the morning and they're just having fun and all of a sudden they hear thunder, which was really weird because there was no rain or nothing happening in the forecast that would call for thunder. So they didn't think anything of it. Then the thunder starts to get a little bit louder. Then they start to hear creaking floorboards and they're like, that's really strange because there's nobody in the house other than us and nobody's upstairs because the creaking floorboards were coming from upstairs. Then they start to hear very loud footsteps.

[Gene Lightyear]

Oh.

[Justin]

At this point in time they start to lose their minds. They run to get my mom, whom is six months pregnant at the time.

[Buck Rogers]

Oh, Jesus.

[Justin]

So they run to get my mom, they wake her up and they're like, dina, Dina, there's something happening. We're hearing these noise and my mom's like, you know what? Go back to sleep. You guys got freaked out, we went and did all this haunted stuff. So they go back and a few minutes goes by and they're hearing more. Then it evolves and they start hearing CHAINS RATTLE Then they start hearing little kids singing. So at this point both of them are absolutely in hysterics. So they go back and they get my mom and they shake her. As my mom sits up, she kind of starts to hear what's going on. So she comes into the main area of the house. The other girls start to wake up. The sounds are continuing. Now they're hearing wolves. Then they're hearing a woman singing. Children any what the fuck sound you can possibly hear.

[Gene Lightyear]

Oh my God.

[Justin]

My mom is hearing all of as well. My mom is in a panic. All the girls are crying. My friend Jenna's down on her knees saying her our father. One girl pees her pants.

[Taylor]

It's just utter chaos.

[Justin]

So this goes on for about 15 minutes. I am sleeping through this entire thing. My mom grabs her Nokia phone and calls my stepdad and is rushing to tell him what's going on. And he can't breathe. He's laughing so hard.

[Buck Rogers]

Okay.

[Justin]

So she's like, why? What is going on? Do you know what's happening? Do you not hear me? By the time he can finally breathe again, he tells her that he rigged a tape in the upstairs closet of the house to go off at 3:30 in the morning. That was all Halloween sounds because he wanted to play a prank on all of the girls.

[Buck Rogers]

Oh, he did.

[Gene Lightyear]

Oh my God. He did this on purpose.

[Buck Rogers]

He's a rascal. This house he built is so weird. And now this.

[Justin]

And where he placed it was in the hall upstairs. So the acoustics of the house were in a way that because it was in the hall closet, the whole house echoed with the noise.

[Buck Rogers]

Oh my God. Scary.

[Justin]

So needless to say, I had a lot of friends that were not allowed to hang out with me for a very long time following this. My stepdad had to come and pick up one girl to bring her home at 4 o'clock in the morning because she was inconsolable.

[Buck Rogers]

Yeah. How are they gonna go back to sleep after this? Even if it's explained to me at that age, I then go, well, this family's crazy. I don't wanna be here. Ghosts or no G, these folks are nuts.

[Justin]

It was absolute mayhem. And the kicker is that his original plan was their big glass windows in the house. He was going to have our neighbor come with a bloody mask and a chainsaw and bang on the window.

[Buck Rogers]

Oh my God. He thought it was your 16th birthday party, not your. He got a little confused on your age.

[Justin]

Yeah, he got overly excited.

[Gene Lightyear]

Oh, I hate to say little brother energy but that reeks a little.

[Buck Rogers]

You think it reeks a little? I'm kidding.

[Gene Lightyear]

I'm kidding. Oh, how fun.

[Buck Rogers]

That's definitely Big brother energy.

[Gene Lightyear]

No, it's very.

[Buck Rogers]

Good as a no. She's a very fluid definition of Big brother energy.

[Justin]

Okay, we'll take whatever comes our way.

[Gene Lightyear]

No, he sounds fun.

[Justin]

Thank you guys so much. I really appreciate the opportunity.

[Buck Rogers]

Allie, you're delighted, and I'm so jealous of where you're at. I want a trip to Rhode Island.

[Gene Lightyear]

I do too. I want to be proven wrong.

[Justin]

Come check it out. And Monica, I just want to tell you I listen to race to 35 all during my pregnancy. The episodes were coming out every week and it actually Inspired me to redownload 23andMe and I had not checked it in years. Within a 48 hour period of time, my family found out that my mom had a brother and he lives in Rhode Island. He has daughters my age. We are now incredibly close with them, spend holidays with them.

[Gene Lightyear]

Wow.

[Justin]

It wouldn't have been without Race for 35 for downloading it again and checking into it.

[Gene Lightyear]

Oh, my God.

[Buck Rogers]

Two in a row, girl. Thank you.

[Gene Lightyear]

I'm so glad.

[Justin]

Thank you very much.

[Buck Rogers]

All right, nice meeting you.

[Gene Lightyear]

Bye bye.

[Buck Rogers]

Hi, Taylor, how are you? Hello.

[Larson]

I'm good. How are you?

[Gene Lightyear]

Dax signed your shirt and bfaw.

[Buck Rogers]

What grocery store were you at?

[Larson]

I was at Sprouts in Nashville.

[Buck Rogers]

Oh, okay. Our last stop.

[Larson]

Yes. You met my little baby.

[Gene Lightyear]

Yes.

[Buck Rogers]

We met so many babies on that trip.

[Larson]

I know.

[Gene Lightyear]

I saw Little Baby Tour.

[Buck Rogers]

The only thing you were robbed of. Not that you would have given a shit, but that was the only stop we made that we weren't driving the bus.

[Larson]

I drove around the parking lot to see if the bus was there and was a little sad, but you know, it's fine.

[Buck Rogers]

Yeah, that's fair. I had parked it in the barn and I didn't want to deal with trying to find parking for it. Were you someone who got a picture that Lincoln took?

[Larson]

No, but I got to meet Ruthie.

[Gene Lightyear]

We love Ruthie. Shout out.

[Buck Rogers]

Shout out, Ruthie. Okay, so you have a crazy birthday party story.

[Larson]

I do. It was March 1, 2003. It's in Nashville, where I currently am at.

[Buck Rogers]

Can I stop you? We've heard three stories and they've all been 20 years ago or 22 years ago. It's very interesting.

[Larson]

I was seven. I was going to my very first ice skating rink birthday party. Super nervous, super excited. And it was towards the end of open skate, right before we were about to get off the ice for cake and presents. I was gonna show my mom how good I had gotten at ice skating. I had picked one of my friend's moms. Her name's Betsy. We were skating around the rink, and it felt like we were going lightning speed. And all of a sudden I fall. And we were holding hands at the time. Fall kind of in front of her. And because we're going lightning speed, she can't stop, so she runs over my fingers.

[Gene Lightyear]

Stop.

[Buck Rogers]

Also, I'm going to add, seven years old is pretty young for skating.

[Gene Lightyear]

Tell that to Michelle Kwan.

[Buck Rogers]

Well, I won't, because she's so good. But imagine Khaleesi skating right now. It's not like anyone's super agile yet.

[Gene Lightyear]

You have to start young if you want to be good.

[Larson]

I will say most of us were gymnasts, so there's a little more agility there.

[Buck Rogers]

Sure. Standard deviation above.

[Larson]

I didn't know this had happened because I am high on life. I'm the best ice skater that there is at this point.

[Gene Lightyear]

You didn't feel it because you were in shock? Probably, yeah.

[Larson]

We go to the bathroom, and my mom starts trying to wash my hands to kind of see the cut. That's when I noticed, obviously, the blood. And I was like, let's not do this anymore, because it's just pouring more blood out of my hand. She's like, okay. So she grabs my hand again really tight, lifts it up above the heart, and takes it to the counter with a bunch of teenagers asking for the first aid kit. They do their best. They wrap it up really tightly. Thankfully, the hospital was only about five minutes down the road. So they get me back and they stitch me up. And my mom likes to tell everybody that I always said, no more numbing medicine. Just get the stitches in me. Because the numbing medicine hurts far worse than the stitches do.

[Buck Rogers]

Yes, I've had a lot of stitches in my life. None of the cuts hurt. But, man, when they swirl around that needle to get it to swell up so they can get the sutures in, that is murder.

[Larson]

Yes.

[Taylor]

At 24, I lost my narrative. Or rather, it was stolen from me. And the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics. I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours. Something you possess is lost or stolen, and ultimately you triumph in finding it again. So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting with folks, both recognizable and unrecognizable names, about the way that people have navigated roads to triumph. My hope is that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming and feel like they filled their tank up, they connected with the people that I'm talking to, and leave with maybe some nuggets that help them feel a little more hopeful. Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Reclaiming early and ad free right now by joining Wondery plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.

[Gia]

Imagine this. You help your little brother land a great job abroad, but when he arrives, the job doesn't exist. Instead, he's trapped in a heavily guarded compound, forced to sit at a computer and scam innocent victims. All while armed guards stand by with shoot to kill orders. Scam Factory, the explosive new true crime podcast from Wondery exposes a more multi billion dollar criminal empire operating in plain sight. Told through one family's harrowing account of sleepless nights, desperate phone calls, and dangerous rescue attempts, Scam Factory reveals a brutal truth. The only way out is to scam their way out. Follow Scam Factory on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Scam Factory early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus.

[Larson]

Thankfully, other than my skin being cut, no ligaments or tendons were damaged.

[Buck Rogers]

Oh, I was very fearful your little seven year old fingers were going to be on the ring.

[Gene Lightyear]

Me too. And just laying there and someone would have to collect them. Luckily they're already on ice.

[Buck Rogers]

That's helpful. But then another few skaters come by, they chop it up even smaller. Right. It started as half a fingernail. Well, the fingernail goes in there.

[Gene Lightyear]

The Frankenstein situation.

[Buck Rogers]

I have the fingernail. Let's start there.

[Larson]

A finger puree on the ice.

[Buck Rogers]

Oh, I can't believe you still have your fingers.

[Larson]

And she felt terrible.

[Gene Lightyear]

Can you imagine?

[Buck Rogers]

No running over a little child's fingers with ice skates on. I would be more panicked than the kid.

[Larson]

Every time we go ice skating now, anytime someone falls I immediately clutch my own hands.

[Buck Rogers]

Done a lot of ice skating since then?

[Larson]

More in my adult years. It took me probably about seven years after that before I went ice skating again. Ended up falling and falling on my head.

[Gene Lightyear]

Oh.

[Larson]

Then it took another several years before I got back on the ice.

[Buck Rogers]

Okay.

[Gene Lightyear]

Yeah. I don't think it's for you.

[Buck Rogers]

Might not be your sport. Yeah. Do you ever get fucked up in gymnastics?

[Larson]

I broke something that was my career ending injury. But it wasn't that bad. It was just a fractured ankle. I was already phasing out.

[Buck Rogers]

You knew you weren't going to that next level.

[Larson]

Oh, no, I'm a C gymnast at best.

[Gene Lightyear]

Okay.

[Buck Rogers]

Moni, did you ever break any? Anything?

[Gene Lightyear]

No. I ripped my hamstring. That's the worst thing that's happened.

[Buck Rogers]

But not a full sever like a tear.

[Gene Lightyear]

I wasn't allowed to go to the doctor because I had to compete. And they would have said, I can't, but I heard it rip. It was really bad. But no breaks.

[Buck Rogers]

I think I'd rather have a broken bone than a ripped hammy.

[Larson]

I agree.

[Buck Rogers]

Well, Taylor, it's nice to see you again.

[Larson]

It's nice to see you again. It's nice to meet you, Monica.

[Gene Lightyear]

So nice to meet you.

[Larson]

Can I give a shout out to my friend?

[Buck Rogers]

Of course.

[Larson]

Claire. We started working together a couple years ago and she recognized this sweatshirt and she goes, are you an armchair? And I said, I sure am. And it kick started our friendship.

[Buck Rogers]

That's our dream community. Yeah, Our dream is that people see each other in the wild and then become friends.

[Gene Lightyear]

Yeah, I love that. Is she so cool like you?

[Larson]

She is the coolest.

[Buck Rogers]

All armchairies are. All right, we'll give her our love and great seeing you.

[Larson]

Thank you.

[Buck Rogers]

All right, take care.

[Larson]

Bye.

[Gene Lightyear]

Hi.

[Buck Rogers]

Is this Ariana?

[Ariana]

It is. This is a big year for my name.

[Buck Rogers]

Oh, it sure is.

[Gene Lightyear]

That's right.

[Buck Rogers]

Is that a common name growing up or.

[Ariana]

No, no, my parents picked it out of a book they got at a garage sale.

[Buck Rogers]

Oh, wow. Probably an outdated baby names book.

[Ariana]

Yes, definitely. I've seen the book. It's falling apart.

[Gene Lightyear]

Oh, I thought they found a book at a garage sale. And the character's name, like yours.

[Buck Rogers]

Right. I went straight to baby naming, but outdated. Cause it's at a garage sale. Yeah, I think that's the way to do it. Where did you grow up?

[Ariana]

Northern New Jersey. I'm in upstate New York now, which is better. That's hard. Better Bagels in New Jersey?

[Gene Lightyear]

Oh. Oh, you're going to start a beef.

[Buck Rogers]

A bagel brawl.

[Ariana]

New York City bagels are better, but upstate bagels don't really exist.

[Buck Rogers]

They're bonk.

[Gene Lightyear]

Interesting.

[Buck Rogers]

What's the vibe where you're at? Is it rural?

[Ariana]

I live about 25 minutes south of Saratoga Springs if you've ever been.

[Buck Rogers]

Haven't been. But I know this is where all the people vacationed in the Gilded Age. The camps were there and stuff.

[Ariana]

Actually, the Gilded Age is filmed near.

[Gene Lightyear]

Oh, it is fun.

[Buck Rogers]

Okay, so you have a crazy birthday party story.

[Ariana]

Yes. So I should start by saying, I am like a type, a kind of mom. My friends are always like, why do you go so hard? You're making us look bad. So I always have made my kids birthday invitations. I have two daughters, 8 and 5, and I'll put a silly little photo of them with some graphic. So last year was my daughter's 8th birthday and 8. I'm sure you know Dax, they're starting to get a little sassy and have their own personality. And she wanted her party at the bowling alley. We're big kids now, no parents to hang out by us. So I made the invitation. And I'm also a little at this point, exhausted from RSVP etiquette, not existing anymore. Oh, no one wants to chase down the parents in the classroom that you don't actually know, like, ah, you're coming or you're not. So I decided to do an Evite, which I've never used Evite before this time, but I had received them. So I sign up for Ebite, I upload the invitation that I made. And I'm also weird about importing contacts. I have old bosses in my phone, like people I don't want to text. So here I am, manually uploading each number and I put them in, I send the invite out, I start getting some RSVPs. I'm like, okay, that went great. The next day, I at the time was working in corporate radio. My life, though, because I was corporate, was all day on camera in meetings, things can't pick up my phone and I see someone's calling me a number I don't know. So definitely not picking up. I ignore it. Then they call again. I ignore it. I'm in a meeting at the time, so I've ignored two calls. I see they left a voicemail. Then I see I get a text, the same number. And I can't look at my phone, but I can glance and all I see is officer da da da.

[Buck Rogers]

Oh.

[Ariana]

So at this point, I tell the people in my meeting, I'm so sorry, I just have to pick this up quick. Some officer keeps calling me, but I made the mistake of just muting my sou, my camera.

[Gene Lightyear]

Uh oh.

[Ariana]

I pick up and he says, this is parole officer such and such. I'm calling because I need you to confirm that you intended to send an invitation to one of my parolees.

[Gene Lightyear]

Oh, no.

[Buck Rogers]

Weird.

[Gene Lightyear]

One of the kids parents in school.

[Ariana]

That's where my head went first. Like one of the moms or dads.

[Buck Rogers]

Yeah, let's be honest, the moms I'm sure that's whose numbers you had. That's more exciting to think one of the moms is an ex con than the dads. Yeah.

[Gene Lightyear]

What'd they do?

[Ariana]

So I'm still on camera, but I turn to go to my other screen and I pop open open invite. And I ask him for the number he thinks I texted. And then I see it. I put a six instead of a seven on the end. So then I ask, who did I text? Are they coming to my party? And the officer tells me that I texted one of the most violent, vicious child sex offenders.

[Gene Lightyear]

Oh, my God.

[Buck Rogers]

Oh, my God.

[Gene Lightyear]

So this was a typo.

[Buck Rogers]

This is his dream. Dream fucking invite to a kid's birthday.

[Gene Lightyear]

And he's like, I was invited?

[Buck Rogers]

Yes. A bowling alley. There's alcohol. This is like the dream scenario.

[Gene Lightyear]

She hit the jackpot.

[Buck Rogers]

Oh, my.

[Ariana]

Yeah. So at this point, I start crying. I am a mess. And I just raced to hang up my meeting, and I just figured I'd tell them later what happened. I go into a panic, asking all the questions, saying all the things you just said. First of all, the number that called is my area code. So this officer was in my area code, which means that this person lives about two hours drive away, which is driving to come to my party.

[Buck Rogers]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ariana]

The next place my mind went was the invitation, which I did send you a copy of. My gorgeous daughter's on it. Oh, no.

[Buck Rogers]

Okay, time for me to take. Oh, boy. Okay. Yep. It's Zoe's eighth birthday. And Zoe's being very sassy in the photo.

[Gene Lightyear]

He's so sassy.

[Buck Rogers]

She's got hands on hips. If I were this violent pedophile, even I would be smart enough to go. This feels like entrapment. Clearly, the government's running a sting on me.

[Ariana]

I'm worried about her picture.

[Gene Lightyear]

Mostly. Yes.

[Ariana]

I didn't send you the town we live in, but it was on it. And when you open the Evite, it has date, time, address, like my phone number, my email.

[Buck Rogers]

Yeah. You're inviting this monster into your world.

[Gene Lightyear]

Thank God, though, it wasn't a party you were throwing at your house.

[Ariana]

That's true. Where your mind went. Dax, though, is actually what happened. So the officer told me that the reason he even found out about this is that the parolee did believe it was. Was a sting.

[Buck Rogers]

Of course. Well, look, you're a convicted fucking offender and you get this sassy invite to an eight year old's birthday. This is entrapment.

[Gene Lightyear]

Okay, but if he did go, would he be in trouble? Since he was invited.

[Buck Rogers]

That's a great question. I'm sure he's not allowed to be within X amount of feet of a school and a playground, but I don't know about a bowling alley or a birthday party.

[Ariana]

So I did get some more details on the man because at this point, I. I'm spinning outta control. The officer's trying to calm me down. But also he's an officer, so he can't just be like, nah, everything's fine. He tells me that truly, he committed so many crimes in four or five states to the point where he's about an 80 something year old man. He has lived most of his life in prison.

[Gene Lightyear]

Oh, God. And he's at the end of his day, so he's ready to get back out there.

[Buck Rogers]

I don't. Well, this is a bigger and dicier question. Okay. I'm curious because we often hear rape's not a crime of sex, it's a crime of control. I don't know what mentally is going on with the pedophilia world, but you would imagine as someone's sexual desire declines with age, as happens, does that all go away or is it still such a mental sickness?

[Gene Lightyear]

Good question.

[Buck Rogers]

Is it even related to your sexuality? I don't know. We'd have to ask this gentleman. Well, I shouldn't call him a gentleman. If there's anyone, we cannot call him.

[Ariana]

I've never heard an officer talk this way. But he started saying, I don't believe, believe in punishment, but I believe this man deserves punishment. Like, it's disgusting what he's done. And then he gave me his name and a photo. He encouraged me to look up what he had done.

[Gene Lightyear]

Oh my God, it was bad.

[Buck Rogers]

And you did. You went down the rabbit hole of.

[Ariana]

His crimes very hard.

[Buck Rogers]

I stand by the decision to give you the photo because you got to keep your eyes peeled at the party.

[Ariana]

Yes. And this officer was a little funny. He said to me, I don't think you have to worry because of his age. He can't really drive. He can't really see that way. Well, he does have an ankle monitor. He's not allowed to leave his house. But make no mistake, if you do find yourself in a room with him, you are in grave danger.

[Gene Lightyear]

Oh my God.

[Buck Rogers]

Wow.

[Gene Lightyear]

He's kind of the jinxy.

[Buck Rogers]

Yeah. Bob Dursey.

[Gene Lightyear]

Yeah. And you think like, he's 80, it's fine, but it's not fine.

[Ariana]

Apparently he doesn't even really understand phones. Cause he was in prison so long, so he actually never saw the photo of My daughter. But he did see the words, you're invited to Zoe's 8th birthday party.

[Buck Rogers]

This is. This is a fucking bizarre turn of events.

[Gene Lightyear]

This really is.

[Ariana]

The officer offered because he could sense he was not gonna put me at ease to GEO locate the person. The day of the party, I was like, can you just send a whole troop here to the bowling alley? But then realized that might be much. I hang up with him. That's the plan. Text him day of. But then I face this super serious moral dilemma of, do I tell the parents who are coming to the party?

[Buck Rogers]

Listen, I don't think so.

[Gene Lightyear]

Did you?

[Ariana]

For the most part, no. So they'll hear it on this podcast?

[Buck Rogers]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no reason to unleash all this fear among them. Is it gonna help make the situation safer? No.

[Larson]

No.

[Ariana]

It's gonna ruin my daughter's party.

[Buck Rogers]

They might even not bring their kids. There's already a cop involved.

[Gene Lightyear]

Did you consider moving the location?

[Ariana]

Yes, but I would have had a lot of questions. And again, RSVPs were already hard to get. I did tell the friend of mine who. Whose number I messed up. I was like, this is how important it is to be careful when you write your phone number. And she laughed. But day of the party came and I woke up and I said, officer, blah, blah, blah. I texted, I would like you to GEO locate. Thank you. And about 25 minutes later, he wrote back and said, I have located him. He is at his residence. Have a great party, exclamation point.

[Buck Rogers]

Oh, my God.

[Gene Lightyear]

That's a great also cautionary tale.

[Buck Rogers]

I want your friend now to receive a text intended for him. That's what's exciting. If it's one number off, she should keep her eyes peeled for some suspicious meetups.

[Gene Lightyear]

True. She could.

[Buck Rogers]

She could be double agent. Yeah, she could alert the police.

[Gene Lightyear]

Wow.

[Buck Rogers]

Well, Ariana, I'm really sad I missed this party because it does look like a blast. Was it a great party?

[Ariana]

You know, I wasn't allowed to really talk to her. I think she had a good time this year, even. She's turning nine next month, and she just said she doesn't want a party. She just wants to chill with three friends.

[Larson]

Oh, cool.

[Buck Rogers]

Smoke a little weed, pop on Netflix.

[Gene Lightyear]

Well, thank you so much for sharing that.

[Ariana]

Thank you so much. I've been listening since the first episode. This is the most exciting thing that ever happened.

[Buck Rogers]

Oh, wonderful.

[Gene Lightyear]

Thank you for sticking with us.

[Ariana]

Yes, of course.

[Buck Rogers]

All right, take care.

[Gene Lightyear]

Bye. Oh, pedophiles.

[Buck Rogers]

It's a bummer. We have Pedophiles.

[Gene Lightyear]

It really is a bummer.

[Buck Rogers]

Of all the fucking peculiar human I know antics, that one is like.

[Gene Lightyear]

Oh, it really is.

[Buck Rogers]

And I feel bad for them.

[Gene Lightyear]

I do, too.

[Buck Rogers]

What a fucking terrible experience on planet Earth. Ugh. Happy birthday, everybody. If it's your birthday. Happy, happy birthday. Do you have a crazy birthday story?

[Gene Lightyear]

I had a really fun fondue party for my sweet 16.

[Buck Rogers]

Oh, you did? Oh, that's nice.

[Gene Lightyear]

That was nice.

[Buck Rogers]

The only one I remember is I got to go to McDonald's once, and I got to invite, like, three kids from my neighborhood, and I invited Betsy Goodwin, who I had a crush on, and I got some present. My mom would remember the details more because she really didn't like her after this, and she said she would marry me if I gave her one of my presents. And I did.

[Gene Lightyear]

And then she didn't marry you?

[Buck Rogers]

No, we got married. Divorced.

[Gene Lightyear]

Seems like she did the right thing. She stuck to her promise.

[Buck Rogers]

I used to be a real patsy. A putz.

[Gene Lightyear]

You really swung in the other direction.

[Buck Rogers]

I really did.

[Gene Lightyear]

Okay.

[Buck Rogers]

All right. Goodbye.

[Gene Lightyear]

Love you.

[Monica]

Do you want to sing a tune or something?

[Buck Rogers]

One of a theme song. Oh, okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're going to ask some random questions, and with the help of armchairs, we'll get some suggestions on the fly rhyme dish on the fire rhyme dish in joy, follow Armchair Expert on the Wondry app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry plus in the Wondry app or on Apple podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short [e-mail] survey.