Armchair Anonymous: Cruise Ship

Summary

Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Episode: Armchair Anonymous: Cruise Ship
Release Date: May 30, 2025

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Introduction to Cruise Ship Tales

In the episode titled "Armchair Anonymous: Cruise Ship," host Dax Shepard engages in a lively and humorous discussion with co-host Monica Padman and guests Hal and Nicole. The conversation delves into their memorable and often chaotic experiences aboard cruise ships, offering listeners an entertaining glimpse into the unpredictability of sea voyages.

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Guest Spotlight: Hal's Unforgettable Cruise

Setting the Scene
Hal shares his tumultuous spring break cruise experience from 2002. A second-year law student, Hal and his friends, buoyed by their internships, decide to celebrate with a party cruise aboard the Carnival Cruise Line's Classic Cruise.

Health Hiccups and Sunburn Woes
Feeling ill just days before departure, Hal combats his sickness with antibiotics despite warnings against alcohol and sun exposure. Upon boarding, he quickly disregards his precautionary measures, indulging in drinks and sunbathing. This leads to a severe sunburn:

“I got the worst sunburn I’ve ever had. And it’s a really flattering picture too.”
— Hal [05:52]

Sea Urchin Encounter
During a beach excursion in St. Croix, Hal steps on a sea urchin, resulting in excruciating pain and the realization that he needs medical attention. Despite assurances from the cruise staff that removal isn’t necessary, Hal endures hours of discomfort without relief:

“We’re taking a cruise. You don’t feel the sun on the cruise, right? … I got a weird bus ride to the infirmary, and the bleeding stopped.”
— Hal [09:36]

Deck Chair Mishap
Adding to his misfortunes, Hal encounters another mishap when he unknowingly bumps into a dilapidated deck chair, resulting in painful splinters:

“I put my hand behind her chair. And now I feel something in my hand… It was covered in splinters and bleeding.”
— Hal [11:28]

Reflection and Resilience
Despite the challenges, Hal looks back on the experience with a sense of humor and resilience, noting that the subsequent year’s cruise was uneventful:

“It was still a fun cruise and it was still spring break. You know, things happen.”
— Hal [12:46]

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Guest Spotlight: Nicole and Layla’s Honeymoon Havoc

Honeymoon Cruise with Backstreet Boys
Nicole and her friend Layla recount their adventurous honeymoon cruise centered around a Backstreet Boys-themed voyage. Their story is filled with unexpected twists, from excessive drinking leading to Nicole’s severe injury to unforgettable encounters with boy band members.

Pre-Cruise Preparations and Initial Missteps
Nicole, dealing with chafing from pre-cruise activities, hopes to maintain intimacy during their honeymoon. However, on the second day, a mishap in the cruise ship’s tiny shower using a pressure wand leads to severe bleeding:

“I was cleaning myself up and I have this great idea… the water pressure hits right on this rug burn spot and immediately starts gushing blood.”
— Nicole [20:54]

Medical Emergency and Embarrassment
Faced with the painful injury, Nicole's attempt to manage the situation without alarming her wife only exacerbates the problem. The ensuing scene in the infirmary is both painful and humorous:

“She [the nurse] has me grab my wife’s hand, and I bet my screams are still reverberating through that cruise ship.”
— Nicole [25:02]

Recovery and Continued Cruise Adventures
After the chemical cauterization procedure, Nicole and Layla continue their cruise experience with a mix of mishaps and memorable moments, including meeting the Backstreet Boys and navigating seasickness:

“You can’t go lay down, because as soon as you lay down, you’re done. You won’t get back up.”
— Layla [36:38]

Shoutouts and Gratitude
Both guests extend heartfelt thanks to friends and family who supported them through their cruise misadventures, highlighting the importance of companionship in overcoming challenges:

“Shout out to my two sisters. One is an armchair and one was a huge fan of parenthood.”
— Layla [40:30]

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Interactive Segments and Light-Hearted Banter

Throughout the episode, Dax Shepard and Monica Padman interject with playful commentary and interactions with the guests. Highlights include:

• AI Assistant Introduction:
  Dax introduces "Claude," the podcast's AI assistant, adding a modern twist to their armchair explorations:

  “Claudia, Claude just gets it with the emotional intelligence.”
  — Dax Shepard [01:31]

• Family Interactions:
  Guests bring their families into the conversation, adding warmth and authenticity to their stories. Hal introduces his daughters, while Nicole mentions her husband and sisters, fostering a sense of community:

  “You can bet your scarred dick it will.”
  — Monica Padman [27:27]

• Humorous Anecdotes:
  Light-hearted moments, such as Dax's playful jabs and Monica's amusing interruptions, keep the tone engaging and relatable.

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Concluding Insights

The episode underscores the unpredictable nature of cruise vacations, blending humor with genuine experiences of mishaps and memorable moments. Through the guests' stories, listeners are reminded of the importance of camaraderie, resilience, and finding humor in adversity. Dax Shepard masterfully navigates these narratives, celebrating the human spirit's ability to find joy amidst chaos.

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Notable Quotes

• “I didn’t realize this, but you don’t feel the sun on the cruise, right? Cause you get all that wind from how fast you’re going.”
  — Hal [05:52]

• “I can’t begin to describe the amount of pain that having your… feels like.”
  — Nicole [25:40]

• “We also have over the last 25 years.”
  — Dax Shepard [41:42]

• “We’re gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of armchairs, we’ll get some suggestions on the fly.”
  — Dax Shepard [42:35]

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Final Thoughts

"Armchair Anonymous: Cruise Ship" is a testament to the entertaining and unpredictable stories that arise from sea voyages. Dax Shepard and his guests provide a blend of laughter, empathy, and insightful reflections, making it a must-listen for anyone intrigued by the complexities and joys of being human on the high seas.

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Transcript

[Dax Shepard]

Wondry subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free right now. Join Wondry plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard and this is Monica Padman.

[Monica Padman]

Hi.

[Dax Shepard]

Hello. Today is cruise ships.

[Monica Padman]

Oof. Didn't make me want to go on a cruise, I'll tell you that.

[Dax Shepard]

I know we should have almost called Laura LeBeau as an antidote because she just went on a Viking cruise and.

[Monica Padman]

She loved it at the time of her life. Oh, good. My parents have gone on a couple and they love it.

[Dax Shepard]

She said she's not going to do any other cruise line, though, after this experience. She said the food was, oh, absolutely outrageously good. Yeah, this one, this one you can listen to. I think you can listen to this.

[Monica Padman]

There's.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, no. There's chemical cauterization.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

But no. Well, whatever.

[Monica Padman]

Fluids.

[Hal]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

All right. Please enjoy cruise ship stories.

[Monica Padman]

Get into your body's vitals with the Vitals app on Apple Watch. The Vitals app tracks key overnight metrics so you can spot changes in your health before you feel them. The Vitals app on Apple Watch iPhone Xs are later required. The Vitals app is for wellness purposes only and not for medical use.

[Dax Shepard]

We are supported by Claude, the AI assistant. That just feels different, you know, we're curious about the old artificial intelligence here on the pod. We are curious and we always want to give our armchairs the if, you know, you know, tips.

[Monica Padman]

We sure do.

[Dax Shepard]

So they need to meet our new pal, Claude. While other AIs sound like robots, Claudia, Claude just gets it with the emotional intelligence. Whether I'm researching guests or refining my latest meal plan to get Brad Pitt's abs or looking for the best dating advice to give Monica, Claude is the fact checker in your pocket while you're in the armchair.

[Monica Padman]

Well, that's exciting for us. I like having an extra companion.

[Dax Shepard]

Welcome to the team, Claude. You can try Claude for free now at Claude.com. that's C-A-U--E.com Claude. Oh, times come and go Good times, take them slow My life, I had them both Remember one thing you gotta know Imma keep on shining. Hello, Hal.

[Hal]

Hello. It's nice to meet you.

[Dax Shepard]

Is that your lover's blouse behind you or yours? Is it birds or flowers on the sleeves?

[Hal]

It is my wife's. We are in my daughter's closet. You guys did the impossible. You got my daughter to clean up her closet.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, wow.

[Hal]

Just so I can talk to you guys.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, you're welcome, I guess, because that's an impossible task.

[Hal]

It is an impossible task, as you probably know that.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. How old is your daughter?

[Hal]

I have two just like you. I've got a ninth grader and a seventh grader. So I'm a couple years ahead of you.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, yeah. Things are getting real busy.

[Hal]

They are.

[Dax Shepard]

Where are you at, Hal?

[Hal]

I am in Lloyd Harbor, New York, on Long Island.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh. How far from the city?

[Hal]

About 40 miles or so if you.

[Dax Shepard]

Want to go to, like, Montauk. How long of a trip is that for you?

[Hal]

I'm on the north shore of Long Island, Nontok's on the south, and all the way out east, so it's a good hour and a half, two hours from here.

[Dax Shepard]

That's not bad, though. You're two hours from paradise.

[Hal]

Exactly. Although I'd say where we are is pretty Edenic as well.

[Monica Padman]

Edenic, I like that.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow, that's a takeoff on Eden.

[Hal]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Did you know it, Monica?

[Monica Padman]

I don't think I've heard it.

[Dax Shepard]

Edenic. That's a good vocab word that's going in my arsenal. Okay, so you have a crazy cruise ship story.

[Hal]

I do. Can I set the stage a little bit first, please?

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, you can set the fuck out of the stage, Hal.

[Hal]

All right. This is about 2002. I'm a couple years younger than you, Dax, but basically the same age I was in law school. It's our second year. And if you know anything about how law school works, after your first year, which is super intense, you try and get an internship in the fall of that year for the following summer. And so my friends and I, we had all gotten our internships. So this was spring break of our second year of law school. And we're feeling pretty good. We're less stressed. We want to blow it out. So we book a cruise. And it's for spring break, so it's on a party cruise line. For me, this is a big deal. I didn't get to go on many vacations growing up. I was on loans.

[Dax Shepard]

And really quick. If you're on a budget, cruise is nice. Could you get the drink pass at that point?

[Hal]

There was no drink pass. Oh, that hurt a lot. I didn't realize that was going to be a thing until the end of the cruise when you get that bill. I get really sick the week before. It's a couple days before we're supposed to leave, and I don't think I can go. I've Got fever. I can swallow. I've got congestion. I'm just horrible. My buddy describes that he came over to drop off a sandwich for me so I could eat. And he said he opened the door and it smelled and felt like death. Oh, it was basically that kind of situation. He immediately drops the sandwich and basically runs out. He goes and calls my other friend. And you know when you have that friend who's kind of like the party guy, the motivator, the guy who's going to get you to go and do something? He was that guy. And he called me up and just gave me some tough love. He's like, you're going. There's no chance. You're not. Fix yourself. So I go, I grab some antibiotic, and it kicks in. About a day and a half later, I'm feeling a little bit better. If you take antibiotic, those labels on it tell you, no sun, limit alcohol, no cruises. Basically, cruise, maybe not the best choice, right? But I'm good to go. I'm going to. We get to the cruise. You get on the first day, and if you've taken a cruise, you're gonna go up to the top and you're gonna watch it disembark.

[Dax Shepard]

Can I quickly ask, where is it taking off from? And where will you be going?

[Hal]

We're taking off out of Miami, and we're going down to the Caribbean. So we're gonna hit, like, St. Thomas and St. Croix Classic Cruise on the Carnival Cruise Line. So the Classic Cruise Line as well. So we're up on the top, and we're watching it leave. And we've already got our first boat drinks in our hands. But remember, I'm not supposed to be in the sun, and I'm not supposed to have alcohol. And first day, I'm out on the deck drinking alcohol and in the sun. I didn't realize this, but you don't feel the sun on the cruise, right? Cause you get all that wind from how fast you're going. So it feels pretty cool even when it's hot. But you see my pigmentation here. I am not somebody who tans easily. I burn almost immediately, which started to happen, but I realized. I said, all right, I better put some sunblock on. And at this point, I'm in that phase where I've had enough drinks, where I think I'm pretty good at everything. I start putting my sunblock on. I think I've got good coverage. But the next day I wake up, and clearly I had just smeared sunblock kind of down the center of My chest. And now I've got the worst sunburn I've ever had. And I think Wobby Wob has a picture.

[Dax Shepard]

Let's take a gander at this sunburn. To say you're a lobster is just as spot on as it gets.

[Hal]

And it's a really flattering picture too.

[Dax Shepard]

It's everything you want.

[Hal]

We'll get to where that picture takes place because that's two or three days later.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, wow.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Hal]

I've got a beer in hand again. And at this point, you know that first of all, my friends are giving me so much shit. I'm also the guy on the cruise who has this ridiculous sunburn, right? And so everybody's starting to know me as that guy with the sunburn. It also hurts, right? So I have to kind of shield myself from sun wherever I can. I'm in the shade. But two days later, I'm okay, I'm going out. It hadn't blistered yet. It hadn't started peeling yet, because that happened later. But we get to the beach on, I think it was St. Croix at this point, and we're feeling good. We're on the beach, drinking a beer, you know, we start chatting up this group of women. We go into the water. This is all going super well. I'm feeling good, I'm in the water. I'm out of the sun, right? It's not hurting anymore. My antibiotic is taking care of everything it needs to take care of. And I'm talking to this pretty woman. This was long before my wife and I stubbed my toe in the water. In the water, huh?

[Monica Padman]

Well, a shell.

[Hal]

Maybe it's a shell. Maybe it's a piece of coral, something, right? I stubbed my toe and it hurts. But I try not to think anything of it. And I just keep chatting up this woman. And it starts to hurt some more.

[Monica Padman]

Uh oh, what is this?

[Hal]

This really hurts. Now I'm like kind of walking away from her, and my buddy's chatting her up. And I pick my foot up out of the water, kind of trying to see if there's anything there holding my toe. And my friend looks at me, says, what's all that black stuff on the bottom of your foot? And I said, I don't know. And then at that point, pain sets in like I've never felt before. Oh, I am writhing around. I'm screaming. Now I'm also scared. Cause I have no idea what this is. So I started trying to get out of the water.

[Dax Shepard]

Is it a burning pain or like an Impact pain.

[Hal]

It says stinging, searing pain.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Hal]

So I go hopping out of the water, and if you've ever tried to get out of the ocean on one foot, it's actually really hard. So now I'm like army crawling up the beach. My buddy tells me later that one of the girls I was talking to says, oh, does your friend always cry this much?

[Layla]

Oh, wow.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Hal]

I get up onto the beach, I'm holding my foot. I'm still kind of screaming about it, and a guy walks by and he looks down at my foot. He said, oh, yeah, you stepped on a sea urchin. So I had kicked a sea urchin, and it was extremely painful. I don't know if you've ever done that or have heard of anybody.

[Monica Padman]

Did you just do it?

[Dax Shepard]

Funny enough, I just in Hawaii got five quills in my heel. They're still there this morning. I'm like, when are these coming out?

[Hal]

Yeah. So you found out that you kind of just let them dissolve?

[Dax Shepard]

Well, my daughters thought, you're going to get poisoned and die. And I'm like, no, there's no way they're letting us snorkel in front of the hotel. Not saying they're poisonous. They ran to the scuba guy and then he came and gave me vinegar and said, oh, soak your foot in vinegar. That'll help it dissolve. I did that. They didn't dissolve. Anyway, sorry.

[Hal]

No, no. So I'm with my buddy. He's that overachiever as a doctor and a lawyer and he was, er trained. So he says, oh, I'll go back with you to the cruise ship and see what they'll do for it. Because the guy that walked by said I have to get them taken out. Which, as you know, is incorrect.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah.

[Hal]

So I'm waiting in the taxi. He's also the person who's going to give you the most shit about anything and loves to tell stories. So he's telling everybody on the beach what happened to me. And then we go to the cruise. They tell me I don't take any of them out. So then I just limped around for the next few hours. So that's sort of the end of sea urchin part.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, God.

[Hal]

Now there's a third part to this, so I think I'm in the clear. I'm starting to feel good later on. And I'm like, all right, no more mistakes. Nothing's going to happen anymore. I'm sitting at a table in a. Another one of my friends comes over with a couple girls, and they sit down and we're just chit chatting away and I lean over to say something to her and I put my hand behind her chair. And now I feel something in my hand. What? And so I pull my hand out and it's covered in splinters and it's bleeding. It's everywhere. But now I am at a point in this cruise where I can't show any pain. I can't do anything that's going to bring any more. So I kind of just hide it away. But I wasn't fast enough because my friend saw it and he then goes. Jumps up and goes and grabs all my other friends to come and look at me so that they can then have another laugh at my expense for the rest of the time.

[Layla]

Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

This was a deck chair that just was scraggly on the back.

[Hal]

Yeah, it was just beat up on the back and I didn't know it and just bad luck.

[Dax Shepard]

I hate to be disparaging about Carnival, but let's get those deck chairs oiled and sanded.

[Monica Padman]

Yikes.

[Hal]

They probably have over the last 25 years.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. This is like, you don't really like my Ziggy reference because you didn't grow up reading Ziggy.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, yeah. I don't know Ziggy.

[Dax Shepard]

But you do. You remember Ziggy Hale?

[Hal]

Of course.

[Dax Shepard]

He was the cutest cartoon and everything that could go wrong that Ziggy did. This is really like, Ziggy went on a cruise in a lot of ways.

[Hal]

It was tough. Thankfully, nothing else really happened on the rest of the cruise. That was bad, but it was enough that I took shit for the rest of the time. We repeated the cruise the next year. Thankfully, nothing happened.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, I'm impressed. You win again.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, I would be like, fuck that.

[Dax Shepard]

Let's just go to one of these islands that we want to be at and just be there. Were there any gals on the boat that really took pity on you?

[Monica Padman]

And nurses. Nurses would have been a great meet. Cute.

[Hal]

No, I'm not that slick. Maybe I could have played it better and played it up a little bit, but I didn't play the pity card very well. Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow. That's a real cruise. And you didn't make out with anyone?

[Hal]

Oh, let's not say that.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay.

[Monica Padman]

Great.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Monica Padman]

You still came out on top.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Hal]

It was still a fun cruise and it was still spring break. You know, things happen.

[Dax Shepard]

Great, great, great. So net win, maybe Net win.

[Hal]

And I'm talking to you guys. Definite positive. And actually, Dax, I thought we weren't going to hear from you guys on the story. And then I heard from Emma. I was in White Lake, Michigan.

[Dax Shepard]

No.

[Hal]

And it's the first time I've been to Michigan in maybe 16 years or so.

[Dax Shepard]

What on earth were you doing in White Lake? So I grew up in Highland, right next door, bordering White Lake.

[Hal]

I didn't know that, but one of my good friends from growing up lives there. We see each other fairly often, but I had not visited him there. Emma reached out when I was actually visiting him for the first time in 16.

[Dax Shepard]

Does he live on the lake?

[Hal]

He does not. His in laws do, though.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Well, hail. Delightful meeting you. God, did you give your buddies a gift? Truly, there's no better gift than, like, when one of your buddies can take the beating on everyone else's behalf.

[Hal]

Totally. I think if it happened now, I would kind of take it like you do, Dax, and say, oh, this is going to be a story one day. At 24 years old. I wasn't taking it that way. I took it pretty hard during the trip. So if you don't mind, my family's waiting right out there. My older daughter was the one who encouraged me to submit for the prom. So they'd love to get on and meet you guys.

[Dax Shepard]

Absolutely. Bring them in.

[Hal]

Hi.

[Layla]

Hi.

[Dax Shepard]

Are you the owner of this closet?

[Monica Lewinsky]

Yeah. And the computer? It's on. I'm Layla.

[Dax Shepard]

Hi, Layla.

[Monica Padman]

We heard you cleaned just for us.

[Monica Lewinsky]

Yeah. That is not something that happens often.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, it looks great. I mean, it's ready for a photo shoot.

[Hal]

Thanks.

[Monica Lewinsky]

I just want to say I'm so excited to meet you guys. When I saw this prompt, I was actually outside and I was re listening to the beach stories where the guy stepped on the sea urchin. And. And I was thinking, oh, dad's story would be great to go on Armchair Anonymous. And then I looked right then and there was a cruise ship story. And so I ran inside.

[Dax Shepard]

Sim, sim, sim.

[Monica Padman]

Very simmy.

[Monica Lewinsky]

Really quick. My aunt asked me to give a shout out. So she's my mom's twin.

[Monica Padman]

Oh.

[Hal]

Oh.

[Dax Shepard]

Identical or fraternal?

[Monica Lewinsky]

Identical.

[Monica Padman]

So.

[Monica Lewinsky]

Love you, Aunt Tracy.

[Dax Shepard]

Do you feel like you have two moms?

[Monica Lewinsky]

It's weird because I have three cousins from my mom's twin. We look pretty similar and we always joke that we're siblings.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes, yes, yes. Double first cousins. Half siblings.

[Monica Padman]

Whoa.

[Dax Shepard]

I wish your mom had married an identical twin. Then your cousins would really be your siblings.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, that would be a very interesting experiment.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, it's very nice meeting you. Really. Good luck with ninth grade. Tell your seventh grade sister Good luck with seventh grade.

[Monica Lewinsky]

Good luck with seventh grade.

[Dax Shepard]

My favorite year of my life. And say hi to mom.

[Layla]

Hi, Mom.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, nice meeting you guys. Take care. Bye. Oh, my God. A whole family.

[Monica Padman]

That was cute. We love identical twins because they're so rare. They're limited edition.

[Dax Shepard]

I guess everyone loves identical twins. Probably. Well, we're probably not unique in that. Right?

[Monica Padman]

Okay. Comment. If you don't like identical twins.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Yeah, I could see people being scared by them. Especially if you don't really believe in science and God makes babies kind of a situation.

[Monica Padman]

They think they're demons.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, maybe. Like, how do you explain that if you don't believe in a Right.

[Monica Padman]

If you don't believe in the explanation.

[Dax Shepard]

In the absence of that explanation, what would you possibly guess?

[Monica Padman]

Demon or this one was so good that God had to make two really good spin.

[Dax Shepard]

We are supported by Addi Flavanserin, the little pink pill. Ask your doctor if the FDA approved little pink pill. Addi is right for you. See full prescribing information, medication guide and boxed warning regarding severe low blood pressure and fainting in certain settings@a d d y I.com PI or call 844-PINK PILL at 24.

[Luke]

I lost my narrative, or rather it was stolen from me. And the Monica Lewinsky friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics. I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours. Something you possess is lost or stolen, and ultimately you triumph in finding it again. So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting with folks both recognizable and unrecognizable names about the way that people have navigated roads to triumph. My hope is that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming and feel like they filled their tank up, they connected with the people that I'm talking to and leave with maybe some nuggets that help them feel a little more hopeful. Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Reclaiming early and ad free right now by joining Wondery plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.

[Monica Padman]

Hi.

[Dax Shepard]

Hi, Luke.

[Nicole]

Hi. That's right. Can you guys hear me?

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wonderful. It's like you're about to land an airplane.

[Nicole]

That's what I'm going for.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes, it's working. Tell me why you have this headset. Are you a gamer?

[Nicole]

I am a gamer and I am recording this from a job site and I just didn't want to rely on my laptop's audio.

[Dax Shepard]

We appreciate that. Greatly. You're going by a pseudonym. Are we allowed to know what state you're in?

[Nicole]

Yeah, that's totally fine. I'm in Bozeman, Montana.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay. Wonderful. That's a beautiful place to be.

[Nicole]

It's gorgeous. We had a blizzard yesterday. Mountains are still full of snow.

[Monica Padman]

A blizzard.

[Nicole]

Full on blizzard. Driving home last night.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow.

[Monica Padman]

Do you like that?

[Nicole]

I don't love the snow, but I don't hate it. When it's unexpected is when it's the worst.

[Dax Shepard]

Right. Which I imagine yesterday was unexpected.

[Nicole]

Absolutely.

[Dax Shepard]

Do you guys have the same thing we had in Michigan where it's like you have a fake spring and you get excited and then all of a sudden it just fudgeing turns to winter in and you're like, fuck this place.

[Nicole]

That's exactly what yesterday was. Yeah, it was like 75, 80 degrees over the weekend.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Nicole]

Hard snow yesterday. Accidents on my drive home. It was pretty rough.

[Dax Shepard]

Those climates, they're backstabbers.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, they're tricky.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, they'll fool you. Did you grow up in Montana?

[Nicole]

I actually grew up in the Seattle area.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay. So you have a cruise story.

[Nicole]

That's right. This was for my wife and I's honeymoon. And shortly before the cruise, as newlyweds tend to do, we fooled around a lot during some of this fooling around. I ended up with a little bit of chafing on my dick. I'm just saying, imagine the red burn on your dick. That's what it was. Don't need to sugarcoat it.

[Hal]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

He was about to say penis, and he's like, no, I'm already talking about chafing. It's dick chafing.

[Nicole]

That's the way the story's gonna go. So fast forward, we're like on day two of the cruise.

[Dax Shepard]

Can I pause you, Luke? I just want to regale for a second. That brings me back to my youth. Your fecundity rate was so high that you'd actually damage the skin. I mean, that's for the youthful.

[Nicole]

Absolutely. Happy that those days are long gone for me, for sure. So we're on the cruise. It's day two. It's a day at sea, so there's really not a lot going on.

[Dax Shepard]

Where's the cruise going to? Is it a Caribbean cruise?

[Nicole]

We're going to Alaska.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay.

[Nicole]

I go to take a shower. And if you've ever been on a cruise before, the bathrooms are tiny. I mean, you stand in the middle and you can touch all four walls. Just reaching out. So as you can imagine the shower is equally tiny. And in this shower, they give you a wand to get to those hard to reach places.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my gosh.

[Dax Shepard]

Like you can pull it off the wall.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, I see.

[Nicole]

Right. The shower wand. Well, I'm going to shower and I'm thinking I want to get myself as clean as possible. I want this wound to heal up as quickly as it can because, you know, I've got to perform on my honeymoon.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, you got to get back to it.

[Dax Shepard]

Back in the saddle.

[Nicole]

I'm cleaning myself up and I have this great idea. I'm going to clean that area specifically. So I pull myself a little tight down there and I spray the wand on it. The water pressure from the wand hits right on this rug burn spot and immediately starts gushing blood.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

You opened up the wound.

[Hal]

Yeah.

[Nicole]

And it's. I mean, it's right on a venture. I'm not talking a little bit of blood. I'm talking imagine you're peeing. But it is solid red. I mean, it is just a pressurized bead of red coming out of my dick.

[Dax Shepard]

It, like, punctured the vein.

[Nicole]

Punctured.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow.

[Monica Padman]

God, these penises are so fragile.

[Dax Shepard]

They can take a beating, but you push them too hard, they will give.

[Monica Padman]

Wow.

[Nicole]

They will give.

[Hal]

Yes.

[Nicole]

And I am aghast. I don't know what to do, honestly. My first thought, embarrassingly, is my wife doesn't need to know about this. She already knows I'm wounded down there, so if I can just get the bleeding to stop, she doesn't need to know about this. We'll just move on with life, okay?

[Dax Shepard]

This is where we're different. We were in line so far, but now I would be so excited to call her in. Like, holy shit, look at that. You know?

[Nicole]

And it gets there, okay? So I go grab a massive wad of toilet paper. I mean, I'm talking 30 sheets at least. And I go to stick it under there. It turns into a mushy mess of nothing in seconds.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God, this is.

[Dax Shepard]

You're losing some considerable blood here.

[Nicole]

Exactly. And so now I'm panicked. So now it's time to call the wife in and tell her I'm having an emergency.

[Monica Padman]

I'm having an emergency.

[Nicole]

I call her in, she walks in, and it looks like a war zone in there. I mean, there's blood all over the walls. It's everywhere. She handles it well. She goes and she calls the cruise site nurse team. She calls the nurse team down. And this little nurse comes in and same thing, she Opens the door. She looks at me and she just has this look of horror when she looks into this bathroom. She gives me a 1 inch thick stack of that heavy duty gauze that's designed to stop bleeding. She says, put this on there, apply pressure. I'll be right back. I'm gonna go get a wheelchair, some more supplies. We'll wheel you down to the infirmary. She's gone, maybe just a few minutes. By the time she has come back, I have bled through this stack of gauze. There's literally blood dripping out the bottom of this stack of gauze.

[Dax Shepard]

Luke, at any moment, are you considering.

[Nicole]

A tourniquet based off the area of the injury? I am trying to avoid that as much as I can. And so she has me throw that away. She hands me a new stack of gauze, tells me to apply pressure again. I've put a shirt on, I'm on the wheelchair, and they're wheeling me down to the infirmary.

[Dax Shepard]

Any pants?

[Nicole]

Surprisingly, basically no pain.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, no, no, no.

[Nicole]

No pants, pants, pants, no pants. Just a towel covering my leg.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, okay. But you are covered, at least. Towel.

[Nicole]

But it is awkward. You're going through the halls of this cruise ship and there's all these people looking at you. At first glance, they really have no idea what's wrong. But I'm sitting there just freaking the.

[Dax Shepard]

Hell out and you have bare legs. There's nothing I would want to see more than that. A man in his T shirt and no pants on with a towel over his groin.

[Nicole]

It's a scene. I wish the story ended there. So she wheels me down to the infirmary and luckily by this point, I got about three quarters of the way through this second thing of gauze, and the bleeding has stopped. The doctor on site taking a look at this injury. Of course, it's a girl doctor, too.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Nicole]

But I've got no shame, you know, what am I going to do at this point? But she looks at it and she says, we've got to close this. It could reopen at any point. You're going to be right in the same situation.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Nicole]

And so she says, well, I'd like to just use a stitch, but on this part of your body, it's very prone to expansion and contraction. So we don't want to use a stitch. So what we're going to use is a chemical cauterization.

[Dax Shepard]

Glue?

[Nicole]

Not exactly. Chemical cauterization is they apply two inert chemicals to your body. Chemical A doesn't do anything by itself. Chemical B doesn't do anything by itself. But when they come in contact with each other. It melts your skin back together.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, it, like, cauterizes. It's like a chemical cauterizing.

[Monica Padman]

That's what he said. Literally what he said.

[Dax Shepard]

He said that.

[Monica Padman]

It's the exact phrasing.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I missed the.

[Nicole]

Yeah, no, you're good. She lays me back onto the table. There's no anesthetic. And she gives me a rubber stick to bite onto.

[Layla]

Oh, my.

[Dax Shepard]

And I would be wondering, is this a disposable or. Many people bitten down on this rubber stick.

[Nicole]

Yeah, I was kind of under the impression that many people have been down on this rubber stick before. It was definitely, like, in the top shelf of the supplies, you know, like, oh, we need this every day.

[Monica Padman]

Oh.

[Nicole]

And so she does that. Has me grab my wife's hand, and I'm telling you guys, I bet my screams are still reverberating through that cruise ship.

[Hal]

Oh, wow.

[Nicole]

I can't begin to describe the amount of pain that having your. Her dick skin burned back together feels like.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God. Oh, I wish this on no one.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, I know. And also, I want to see video of this entire thing from beginning to cauterization.

[Nicole]

I wish it existed.

[Dax Shepard]

Once it's cauterized, does she say to you, like, don't use this thing for a while?

[Nicole]

More or less, yeah. She said no sexual activity for a couple weeks. Obviously, it's going to kind of expand on its own every once in a while. There's not a lot you can do about that.

[Hal]

Right.

[Dax Shepard]

Try not to look at any pretty ladies.

[Layla]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

And you're on a cruise. Cruise.

[Dax Shepard]

Tell your new wife to keep her clothes on.

[Nicole]

Luckily, the cruise to Alaska. Not a lot of women in bikinis, but still, something to concern yourself with.

[Dax Shepard]

Those bald eagles, though, they can get things moving.

[Nicole]

Oh, they get you excited, don't they?

[Dax Shepard]

What a sight.

[Monica Padman]

I thought you were making a euphemism for a vagina.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, that could also. Yeah, I like that euphemism.

[Nicole]

It healed well. I had no lingering injuries. A little bit of scarring, but you'd have to know what you were looking for.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow. You reversed the wife who's had a baby.

[Monica Padman]

That's what I was thinking. He had to hold his hand more.

[Dax Shepard]

Just like wife has a baby. And then there's a window where wife can't have sex.

[Monica Padman]

Oh.

[Dax Shepard]

But in this case, they're, like, married. And then he had an issue, and then they're now waiting. And they're newlyweds. They're very horny.

[Nicole]

100%.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, that's great. What a memorable honeymoon.

[Nicole]

Yeah, and that's what I always tell people. I've told this story to people over the years and, you know, if it wasn't exciting, you wouldn't remember it.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, Luke, that's fantastic. What a great story.

[Nicole]

I'm glad you enjoyed it. I hope it makes it onto the episode.

[Layla]

Oh, it will.

[Monica Padman]

Don't you worry.

[Dax Shepard]

You can bet your scarred dick it will.

[Nicole]

Awesome. While I still got a second, I'm just going to shout out my good buddy Casey, who got me into your show and encouraged me to share my story.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, Casey, big shout out.

[Monica Padman]

Shout out. I'm so glad he did. That's a doozy. That's a good one.

[Dax Shepard]

That's a keeper.

[Nicole]

A few weeks ago he sent the link. He was like, cruise stories. You.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, thank Casey on our behalf.

[Nicole]

I most certainly will.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, take care.

[Monica Padman]

Have a great day.

[Dax Shepard]

Are you gonna leave the room to make this call? Our next call is Monica.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, I'm calling in.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, Monica's calling. I have a lot of cruise ship stories. I could have submitted many different things. I've been on so many cruises, I.

[Monica Padman]

Haven'T been on a one.

[Dax Shepard]

You haven't been on a single cruise? I feel like your parents would have loved that.

[Monica Padman]

They go now.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, they do.

[Monica Padman]

Hello? Monica.

[Layla]

Monica.

[Dax Shepard]

Hi. Don't show me much of this car. I always try to impress Monica. I'm gonna go with Chrysler Pacifica.

[Layla]

You're wrong. I'm sorry.

[Dax Shepard]

Fuck.

[Layla]

It is a Honda Pilot.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Moni had a. Did you have a pilot? Crv. Crv.

[Layla]

So sorry, Monica, that I'm not in, like, a cushy closet somewhere. I'm actually at my daughter's track meet.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, God, I hope she doesn't come up to the blocks while we're talking.

[Layla]

If you hear, like, shots, I'm not in some dangerous neighborhood.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

What's her event?

[Layla]

Well, she just finished high jump. Oh.

[Dax Shepard]

I was a high jumper. Is she tall?

[Layla]

She is tall for her age. She's only 12.

[Monica Padman]

I have a question for you. I was getting a massage recently. This was weird. In the middle of the massage, the. The massage therapist said, can I ask you something personal? And this was while she was mid massage. And I said, sure.

[Dax Shepard]

That's a scary question. Mid massage.

[Monica Lewinsky]

I know.

[Monica Padman]

And she said, do you like being called Monica? I was like, yeah. And she was like, because my name is Monica and I love it. Every Monica I meet is just so great.

[Hal]

Oh.

[Monica Padman]

And I was like, yeah, it's a Great name. It really caught me off guard. And would you have liked that?

[Layla]

Yeah, it would have caught me off guard too. I've never had like a nickname or. Nobody's ever shortened it.

[Dax Shepard]

No one calls you Moni or Mom?

[Layla]

No.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, wow. We just had this conversation about nicknames.

[Dax Shepard]

Monica's. Monica's. Many nicknames.

[Layla]

Uh huh.

[Dax Shepard]

But I would agree. I'm gonna say that Monica's over index in good folks. I like all the Monicas I know.

[Monica Padman]

Except this one that stops in the middle of a massage.

[Dax Shepard]

No, I might like her too.

[Monica Padman]

Okay. She was nice.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, she has a boundary issue which.

[Monica Padman]

I. Yeah, you love that.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, so you have a crazy cruise ship story.

[Layla]

I do. So I'll give you just a little bit of background. So I grew up, I was a teen in the mid to late 90s, so Peak Boy band scene. And I was a huge fan of the Backstreet Boys.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, me too.

[Layla]

That was my boy band of choice. I had their posters all over my walls. I bought their CDs on the day that they came out.

[Dax Shepard]

Did you have a favorite Backstreet Boy?

[Layla]

I did. Brian Luttrell.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, Brian was everyone's.

[Dax Shepard]

Was the number one.

[Monica Padman]

He was my fave too.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Monica Padman]

Are you going to see them at the Sphere? You should.

[Layla]

I. Maybe when we get to the end of the story.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Monica Padman]

Okay. All right.

[Layla]

No, I probably won't be seeing them at the Sphere, but it's going to be an amazing show. Are you going to see them, Monica?

[Monica Padman]

I don't think so. I'm kind of scared of them.

[Hal]

You should.

[Layla]

So anyways, huge fan, fast forward the year's 2011 and I'm a newly married woman, working young woman. And I'm scrolling Facebook and I come across this ad from Ticketmaster that they're doing this sweepstakes giveaway and it's a trip for two, all expenses paid on a cruise with the Backstreet Boys.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh wow.

[Layla]

Yeah, it's like a three night, four day cruise to the Bahamas and you also get to meet the Backstreet Boys.

[Monica Padman]

Oh wow.

[Dax Shepard]

And you still like them in 2011?

[Layla]

Yeah, I mean, I wasn't teenage obsessed.

[Dax Shepard]

No posters anymore.

[Layla]

The nostalgia. I was like, oh yeah, I would go on a Backstreet Boys cruise.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, great.

[Layla]

Yeah. So I put my name in and kind of forgot about it because it had been a while and I get this email from Ticketmaster and I knew before I even opened the email, I was like, I won that cruise. Yeah, I opened the email and yes, I had won and they had Like a short turnaround. You had to tell them within 24 hours who was going, the names of the passengers, flight information, all that.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, this is exciting.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, this is very exciting.

[Layla]

My first thought is, like, I don't think my husband is the right person to take on this. I love my husband, but he's not really the boy band type. And this seems like a girls trip. He agreed. And so I immediately call one of my childhood best friends, Nicole, and I tell her, Nicole's always game for a good time. And so she was like, yes, let's do it.

[Monica Padman]

It.

[Layla]

She was living out of state at the time. So we meet up in the airport, we fly to Miami. I should say that at this point, I had never been on a cruise before in my life. Nicole had been on a few cruises before, so that was kind of helpful to have her hints and tips. Part of the trip was hotel was included. So we're there the night before the cruise, and we decide we're gonna hit the town. And this is in December, so I live in the Midwest. I'm leaving cold winter temperatures, heading to Miami. I've got tourists written all over my face. I got my spra tan. I packed my little halter dresses. I'm ready for some warm weather. So we hit some bars, and we go to this daiquiri bar where we get served these daiquiris that are huge. Like as big as our heads. We're sitting there enjoying ourselves, and this man comes up to our table, very sharp dressed man with two shots in each hand.

[Monica Padman]

Oh.

[Layla]

Has very strong accent. And I kind of make out that he's one of the owners of the establishment. He's checking to see if we're having a good time and wanted to give us these complimentary shots for our daiquiris. And he just dumps them right in. Okay.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, I'm very scared.

[Layla]

He walks away, and we're both kind of like, well, that was kind of weird. And so I proceed to take a couple of drinks at the time. And I don't know, maybe Miami is still this way. You could take your drinks in and out of bars. Like you could walk out with an open container. So we decide, okay, we're gonna take these daiquiris with us and leave because we were weirded out by that guy. So we leave, and a little while later, Nicole is like, I don't think we should be drinking these.

[Dax Shepard]

Good Nicole.

[Layla]

Yeah. So we throw them away. But apparently I must have drank a little more than Nicole had.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, no.

[Layla]

Because it hits me very fast. Pretty sure I had been roofing.

[Monica Padman]

No. Oh, my God.

[Layla]

So the rest of the evening is kind of from Nicole's relaying the message to me, but she could tell that I was going downhill very quickly. I was slurring, I was falling all over the place. So she got me into a cab. This is pre Uber. We were heading back to the hotel, and I threw up all over in the back seat of the cab. And so the cab driver's obviously pissed and wants to kick us out. She doesn't even know where we're at. She pleads with him to keep us in the car and get us to the hotel and agrees to give him a really good tip. So we get back to the hotel, and Nicole tells me she basically had to, like, drag me back to the room. I'm sure the surveillance footage looks like some murder documentary or something, but she gets me back to the room. She helps shower me up and shower all the puke out of my hair and gets me cleaned up and in bed. Next morning, wake up, feel obviously pretty terrible. And we overslept, nearly missed the ship departure. Made it there just in time. We get on the ship, we head to our cabin, and we're kind of walking down the halls, and everybody's got their doors all decorated with actually voice stuff. And this is kind of lifting my spirits. I'm shaking off that night before getting in a better mood. And we go to the kickoff party. That's going to be on the pool deck. I'm starting to feel better, and I'm like, okay, hair of the dog. I'm going to get another drink.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Layla]

So I get a drink, and we're waiting, and the Backstreet Boys come out and make their first big appearance. And everybody goes crazy. We have a good time.

[Dax Shepard]

Do they perform right away or they're just waving and saying hi?

[Layla]

They're just saying hi, basically. Then the ship takes off, and so things are moving, getting started, and I start to notice that, you know, I can feel the motion. And normally people tell you on cruise ships, oh, you can't even tell you're moving. Well, I could feel the movement. And so I tell Nicole, like, I'm already just not feeling the best. And she was giving me all these pointers, like, let's take some Dramamine. Let's sip on some ginger ale. Let's do this and that. And so I was trying to it, and she said, well, whatever you do, just don't go lay down, because as soon as you lay down, you're done. You won't get back up.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, God.

[Layla]

And I was like, okay.

[Dax Shepard]

Nicole's a pro at everything.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Layla]

The name of this story should be Nicole was right.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, no.

[Layla]

The next event for the night is the Backstreet Boys are going to be doing this game show thing in one of the theaters. And so we had to go to this theater and we're walking down the hallway. And I mean, you can just see the hallway moving side.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, God. This is why I don't want to go on a cruise.

[Layla]

People are trying to walk down this hall and thank God there were these handrails going down the hallway because you had to hold on to these handrails or you would fall over. It was rocking.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my. It's like triangle of sadness. Yeah, it really is for the listener. Monica's getting a little sick right now just remembering it. I can totally sit, right?

[Hal]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

I can see that you're hanging on by a thread already.

[Layla]

It was terrible. And so we go into the theater, and I'm seeing a lot of women are just getting up and leaving. And I'm seeing women coming back with all these doggy bag, like, vomit bags.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my gosh.

[Layla]

And people are getting sick in this theater, and I can't take it anymore. So I run out of the theater. I run to the bathroom. Bathroom. The bathroom is full of all these women getting sick.

[Hal]

I also love.

[Dax Shepard]

There's no men on this cruise. It's just all women.

[Monica Padman]

It's true.

[Dax Shepard]

They should have let the women use the men's bathroom for this cruise.

[Layla]

But there were, like, crew members in the hallway handing out these doggy bags. I got sick and I told Nicole, I can't do it. I've got to go back to the room. So I go back to the room and I laid down and Nicole was right. I could not not get up. It was like I was just glued to that bed. I was so bummed because that night there was supposed to be, like, this 80s party. So I was stuck in bed and somehow managed to, like, get some sleep that night. And then the next morning, woke up, felt so much better. And I realized it was because we had docked. We were in the Bahamas.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Layla]

But this was the big day that I got to meet the Backstreet Girl. We went to go watch their sound check for a while because one night.

[Dax Shepard]

They did a concert on shore or on the boat.

[Layla]

They did do an appearance on the beach, but the concert was on the boat. So we went to the sound check and then got to do the meet and greet, which was really fast. And I was given strict instructions, only shake their hands. Do not hug them. Just say hello and take your picture and get off the stage.

[Dax Shepard]

No kissing.

[Layla]

Yeah. And I could just tell when I went up on that stage, the little look on Nick Carter's face was just like. He was terrified. He was waiting for me to just, like, pounce on him.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, God, I felt so bad.

[Layla]

This is what these men endure all the time. I got to meet them. That was exciting. And spent the day on the beach. And then that night, we started to head back to Miami, and it was, like, all over again. I just could not wait to get off of this ship. And I'm so glad that the trip was paid for, because if I would have paid for this cruise. And I was vomiting the whole time, Boy.

[Monica Padman]

And Nicole was fine.

[Dax Shepard]

Did Nicole have a good time? She sounds like if anyone on the ship might have hooked up with one of the backstreet boys would have been Nicole.

[Layla]

She probably could have, because she went to the casino one night when I was, like, throwing up, and she was at the roulette table with one of them.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, fun.

[Layla]

So that's my terrible slash awesome cruise story.

[Dax Shepard]

Listen, a. The story's fantastic, but you're just so funny.

[Layla]

Oh, thank you. Can I do a quick shout out?

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Layla]

Okay. Well, obviously shout out Nicole.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Number one.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Layla]

Thank you for being such an amazing friend. And shout out to my husband. Sorry you weren't able to come along for these shenanigans.

[Dax Shepard]

You mean you're welcome?

[Monica Padman]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

You dodged this bullet.

[Layla]

Yeah. And shout out to my two sisters. One is an armchair and one was a huge fan of parenthood.

[Dax Shepard]

What are their names?

[Layla]

Megan and my Molly.

[Dax Shepard]

Megan and Molly.

[Monica Padman]

Mmm.

[Layla]

It was really hard for my grandma.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh. I up my kids names all the time, and they're drastically different.

[Monica Padman]

Wow. I'm sorry that happened, but that was a delight.

[Hal]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

That was so fun. Thank you so much, Monica.

[Layla]

Thank you. It was so awesome meeting you guys.

[Dax Shepard]

Take care. Wish your daughter victory in this high jump contest.

[Layla]

Oh, thank you.

[Dax Shepard]

All right.

[Hal]

Bye.

[Dax Shepard]

Bye. I love her. I love them. She reminds me so much of my cousins Mandy and Kelly. Yeah, same kind of storyteller.

[Monica Padman]

I wonder nowadays if everyone just goes on cruise ships with Zo. Like, is Zofran the same as Dramamine? Could you take both?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. I don't know what the mechanism for either of them is, but Zofran should have an actual cruise line.

[Monica Padman]

It really should.

[Hal]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

And they should sail into the choppiest water. Have you seen Any footage of these fucking cruises down to Antarctica?

[Layla]

No.

[Dax Shepard]

None of those have popped up on your Instagram. The water's fucking crashing over the whole front of the boat. They've got, like, a glass thing where you can. People are falling down and breaking shit.

[Hal]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

It's nuts.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. I also. When we went to Napa, the first thing we did was we went to this winery and it was up a very, very curvy.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. And you. Zofran.

[Monica Padman]

I Zofran. And thank God, because I still felt awful.

[Dax Shepard]

You did.

[Monica Padman]

Even with it. And if I hadn't had it, it would have been like that cruise.

[Hal]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God, it was so funny. Everyone's got barf bags with the Backstreet Boys.

[Monica Padman]

If you're the Backstreet Boys and you're up there and everyone's just puking and.

[Dax Shepard]

Are they not puking?

[Monica Padman]

Right?

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, boy. All right. Love you.

[Monica Padman]

Love you.

[Dax Shepard]

Do you want to sing a tune or something?

[Hal]

We know a theme song.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go. Go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of armchairs, we'll get some suggestions on the fly rhyme dish on the fire rhyme dish.

[Monica Padman]

Enjoy.

[Dax Shepard]

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