Armchair Anonymous: DIY Disaster

Summary

Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard Episode Summary: Armchair Anonymous: DIY Disaster Release Date: February 28, 2025

In this captivating episode of Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard, titled "Armchair Anonymous: DIY Disaster," host Dax Shepard delves into the chaotic and often humorous world of do-it-yourself (DIY) projects gone wrong. Joined by co-host Monica Padman and a series of guests, the episode weaves together personal anecdotes, insightful reflections, and plenty of laughter as they explore the pitfalls and perils of self-initiated home improvement endeavors. Below is a detailed breakdown of the episode's key segments, discussions, and memorable moments.

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Introduction and Setting the Stage

The episode begins with Dax Shepard welcoming listeners to "Armchair Anonymous," where the theme revolves around DIY projects that didn't go as planned. After a brief promotional segment, the conversation shifts to the main content, focusing on the experiences of various guests who attempted home projects with less-than-ideal outcomes.

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Monica Padman and Tanya's College DIY Catastrophe

Timestamp: 00:00 - 12:00

Monica Padman and her friend Tanya recount a disastrous DIY project from their college days. As broke sophomore students living in a charming 1900s house off-campus, they decided to create eco-friendly Halloween costumes as "Mother Nature." Their plan involved wrapping themselves in brown fabric adorned with real leaves, secured with hot glue.

Key Points:

• Costume Creation: Using hot glue and yard leaves to craft their outfits.
• The Mishap: In their haste, they inadvertently glued the fabric and leaves directly to their pristine hardwood floors.
  • Tanya recounts: “And we realized that the hot glue had bonded the fabric and all of the leaves directly to this original, beautiful, pristine 1900s hardwood floor.” [00:30]
• Aftermath: The next day, they discovered that their DIY effort had attracted maggots due to the dampness and decomposing leaves, leading to an infestation that ruined the hardwood floors.
  • Monica adds: “You walked into the living room, and I don't think they would have really understood Mother Nature, to be fair.” [09:00]
• Resolution: Faced with the mess and the imminent need for a party, they opted for impromptu lumberjack costumes, neglecting the original plan.
• Impact: The once beautiful hardwood floor was left severely scratched and damaged, a stark contrast to their initial intentions.

Notable Quotes:

• Monica Padman: “Maggots might even be worse.” [12:23]
• Tanya: “We found that we have all our extremities, which was pretty, pretty cool.” [21:39]

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Rob's Porch Camera Installation Gone Wrong

Timestamp: 12:00 - 22:00

Rob, another guest, shares his harrowing experience while attempting to install a security camera on his front porch. His ambition to monitor delivery drivers led to a severe accident involving his hot water tank.

Key Points:

• Initial Attempt: Rob tried to tap into the junction box for his ceiling fan to power the camera but struggled with the installation.
• The Accident: While reattaching the fan without removing the light bulbs and glass dome, Rob accidentally shattered the glass, cutting his wrist and causing significant bleeding.
  • Rob describes: “And my left hand smashes through the glass dome and a few light bulbs slicing open my wrist.” [17:35]
• Emergency Response: His wife, having just returned home, quickly called 911. Rob was transported to the hospital with severe injuries but fortunately survived thanks to prompt medical attention.
• Recovery: Post-accident, Rob underwent extensive medical treatment and physical therapy, leaving him with noticeable scars and some loss of motion in his thumb.

Notable Quotes:

• Rob: “I screamed out in pain.” [17:35]
• Dax Shepard: “And tourniquet, whether paramedics suggested one or not, sounds like it saved your life.” [22:41]

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Dax Shepard's Car Mishap Attempting Snowboard Bag Retrieval

Timestamp: 22:00 - 28:35

Dax Shepard interjects with his own story about a failed attempt to protect his investment—a meticulously wrapped car—from damage while retrieving a snowboard bag from his loft.

Key Points:

• The Plan: To avoid exposing his car to rain, Dax decided to retrieve his snowboard bag using a ladder, carefully avoiding getting the car wet.
• The Fall: Slipping due to water on the ladder, Dax fell, inadvertently causing minor damage to his car's vinyl wrap.
  • Dax explains: “I took a fucking 2-inch chunk of paint out of the mirror, and I'm like, there we go.” [28:25]
• Outcome: Although initially fearing significant harm, Dax was relieved to find minimal damage to his car but was now faced with the task of finding a qualified painter.

Notable Quotes:

• Dax Shepard: “I destroyed the pristine value of this car. So, yeah, I really deeply relate to just trying to save a few minutes and really fucking regretting it.” [28:35]
• Rob: “It was a learning opportunity for sure... But at least I'm still here.” [28:46]

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Christina's Dynamite Landscaping Disaster

Timestamp: 28:35 - 42:19

Christina narrates her family's adventurous (and ill-fated) attempt to use dynamite for landscaping purposes, led by her inventive father.

Key Points:

• The Challenge: Discovering that their property had a hardpan layer of concrete-like soil, Christina's father sought to plant 60 trees in their orange grove by utilizing dynamite with a permit.
• The First Blast: Initial attempts with one scoop of dynamite failed to move the earth, prompting adjustments such as adding blankets and boulders.
  • Christina shares: “We tried chicken wire in a blanket. We tried a big, huge boulder. Things weren't working.” [34:35]
• The Explosion: On the third attempt, the dynamite finally exploded, creating a massive hole that sent dirt clods flying and caused significant damage, including a 12-inch hole in the ceiling.
  • Dax remarks: “And then came God. Lucky you didn't come down on him.” [38:16]
• Aftermath: Despite the chaos, Christina's family managed to transform the hole into a fire pit, earning her father the nickname "Dr. Boom Boom" among friends.
  • Christina concludes: “He never had anybody fix it. He tried to fix it himself that afternoon before we got home. But it was time for a nap.” [38:14]

Notable Quotes:

• Christina: “It's criminal you're not a country western singer. That's the best country star name I've ever heard.” [29:25]
• Monica Padman: “That's so funny.” [41:24]
• Dax Shepard: “I want to thank you for blowing up your entire yard and sending a rock into your roof. Because it made for a great story for us.” [41:32]

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Chris's Water Main Fiasco

Timestamp: 42:19 - 50:24

Chris shares his experience of attempting to replace baseboards in their townhouse, which led to a catastrophic water main break affecting their entire building's water supply.

Key Points:

• The Project: Motivated by a dislike for old baseboards, Chris and her husband decided to modernize their home's interiors. While her husband attempted to install new baseboards in the downstairs bathroom, he accidentally punctured the wall's hot water tank.
• The Accident: Despite turning off the water near the toilet, water gushed out from the broken tank, flooding their townhouse and halting water supply to all six units.
  • Chris explains: “We had to call the city to get them to turn off the water to all 65 homes.” [46:52]
• Consequences: The urgent need to fix the water main meant extensive repairs, including jackhammering and drying out the basement, leaving the baseboards unfinished for five years.
• Resolution: The couple had to concede to professional help, recognizing the dangers of DIY projects beyond their expertise.

Notable Quotes:

• Chris: “We've got somebody coming in the next day, plumbing plumber comes, fixes it.” [46:17]
• Dax Shepard: “Shortcut's the fastest way to the back of the line.” [29:24]

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Closing Remarks and Reflections

Timestamp: 50:24 - 51:25

As the episode draws to a close, Dax Shepard and Monica Padman engage in light-hearted banter, reflecting on the shared experiences and lessons learned from the guests' DIY disasters. They emphasize the importance of knowing one's limitations and the value of seeking professional assistance when needed.

Key Takeaways:

• Humility in DIY: Recognizing when a project is beyond one's skill set can prevent potential disasters.
• Humor in Adversity: Maintaining a sense of humor helps in navigating and mitigating the fallout from failed DIY attempts.
• Support Systems: Having friends and family to rely on during emergencies is crucial for overcoming challenging situations.

Notable Quotes:

• Monica Padman: “You're not getting your deposit back. No.” [11:54]
• Dax Shepard: “That whole story is appealing. I would love to get the permit and I'd love to have an excuse to use dynamite.” [42:43]

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Conclusion

"Armchair Anonymous: DIY Disaster" serves as both an entertaining and cautionary exploration of DIY projects gone wrong. Through engaging storytelling and candid conversations, Dax Shepard and his guests highlight the fine line between ambition and folly in home improvement endeavors. The episode underscores the importance of planning, expertise, and sometimes the wisdom to seek professional help, all while celebrating the human spirit's resilience and ability to find humor in even the most inconvenient situations.

Listeners who embark on DIY projects will find this episode particularly resonant, offering both laughs and valuable lessons to inspire safer and more successful home improvement adventures.

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Transcript

[Dax Shepard]

Wondry plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free right now. Join Wondry plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. Today our DIY project's gone wrong.

[Monica Padman]

Let's do it yourself.

[Dax Shepard]

I always said this wrong. This is always a high.

[Monica Padman]

It's hard to say.

[Dax Shepard]

I always wanted to say dyi. Sure, I famously said that in front of somebody and they corrected me and I got humiliated.

[Monica Padman]

Oh no. Who? Martha Stewart?

[Dax Shepard]

I wish.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. I want to be humiliated by her. I'd be a sub baby girl. Yeah, I'd be her baby girl. I think everyone would.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, let's see. There's maggots and I think I got.

[Monica Padman]

A warn say that.

[Dax Shepard]

No, I think I got to tell people what other things are here. Point Blood. Blood. Yeah, blood and maggots. Please enjoy do it yourself Projects gone wrong. We are supported by the allnew Galaxy S25 Ultra from Samsung. This phone is a true AI companion that evolves with you to do more for you, like handling multiple tasks with just one ask. For example, you can tell it to find a restaurant nearby and text it to my friends, or look up my favorite basketball team schedule and add it to my calendar. And it does it just like that. You just speak the request naturally and the new Galaxy S25 Ultra takes care of the rest. Okay, this is what AI was meant for. That is seamless plus. Now brief with Galaxy AI gives you personalized daily briefings that keep you a step ahead. It'll show you your appointments, the weather, your energy, score and more all in one place, ready to let AI do more for you so you can do. You then get your Galaxy S25 Ultra now at samsung.com compatible with select apps. Requires Google Gemini account. Results may vary based on input. Check responses for accuracy. Now brief with Galaxy AI displays daily select information from select apps may require Internet connection. Galaxy AI features by Samsung free through 2025 and require Samsung account login. We are supported by the limited series Zero Day only on Netflix. In Netflix's new limited series Zero Day, the country is devastated by a catastrophic cyber attack that downs America's infrastructure. A respected former president, played by acting legend Robert Dairo, is called out of retirement to lead a commission with broad powers to find the perpetrators, only to discover he may be losing his grip on truth and possibly reality. This is pretty iconic because it's Robert Dairo's first ever television series and he also is executive Producing Boss Move. Zero Day has an incredible cast, including Angela Basset, Jesse Plemons, Connie Britton, and Lizzy Kaplan.

[Monica Padman]

What a cast. I'm so excited to watch this.

[Dax Shepard]

I cannot wait to watch episode after episode with Dairo as the star.

[Monica Padman]

Right.

[Dax Shepard]

From creatives that brought us Homeland, Mad Men, the Watcher, and Narcos, you've got to check out the next great TV series, Zero Day. Zero Day is now playing only on Netflix.

[Christina]

You gotta know Imma keep on shining.

[Monica Padman]

Hello.

[Tanya]

Hi. How are you too?

[Dax Shepard]

Wonderful. What a bright smile. Did you just get your teeth zoomed?

[Tanya]

No. You'll never believe this, but I used arm and hammer. I used the baking soda toothpaste.

[Monica Padman]

Of course you do.

[Tanya]

It's the only one that works.

[Monica Padman]

It really is. And your teeth are sparkling white.

[Tanya]

Thank you. That's so nice.

[Monica Padman]

I feel so validated.

[Dax Shepard]

This has turned into a real commercial for the product.

[Monica Padman]

I mean, you asked.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. So, Christina, where are you at right now?

[Tanya]

I'm in Phoenix, but I live in Salt Lake City normally.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Are you there on business?

[Tanya]

My boyfriend runs a local grocery store in Salt Lake. There are a bunch of food shows all over the country, which, if we have time, I have an Aaron Weekley story to tell about a food show.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, did you meet him?

[Tanya]

Yes, I met him at the Chicago food show for Ted Seegers and I really embarrassed myself.

[Monica Padman]

Please tell me about that. Let's hear it.

[Dax Shepard]

Was he so cute in person?

[Tanya]

He was so cute. We walked up and boyfriend obviously knows how much I love the podcast. I was so excited to meet him. We have the same birthday.

[Dax Shepard]

J2C.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Tanya]

So we walk up and my sister is an actress, and so I don't want to ever be starstruck. It's got a very strong belief that I have. So I was trying to play cool and I forgot how to speak English. I turned bright red and my boyfriend was trying to be really sweet and was like, oh, my gosh, Christina is a huge fan of Armchair Expert. And then I got got embarrassed and mad at him like, I'm an armchair. I am not a fan.

[Monica Padman]

There is a distinguishable difference.

[Tanya]

I walked away and was like, well, I hope I never get the opportunity to meet Dax and Monica, because based on that, I hope that I can actually speak. So this is already going better.

[Dax Shepard]

I couldn't be happier that Aaron got that kind of reaction. I love it. This is a perfect story. I guarantee he'll remember because J2C is so rare and coveted.

[Tanya]

I didn't even get to tell him.

[Dax Shepard]

You didn't that would have fasted.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Tanya]

But I couldn't get it out, sadly.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, so you have a DIY story that went poorly.

[Tanya]

I do. This story takes place in the fall of 2013, kind of around Halloween. When I was in college, I went to a small liberal arts college in Salt Lake. My roommates and I lived in this super charming 1900s house off campus. It had these beautiful original hardwood floors. It was just full of vintage charm, and we had no business living there. But I was a sophomore in college, and at my school, I think because there's this big religious influence in Salt Lake, I found that there's a really strong counterculture to that. And my college really leaned into that counterculture. We embraced every opportunity to run wild.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, God, I wish I went there.

[Tanya]

It was very fun. But at my school, Halloween wasn't just a fun holiday. It was the event of the year. There was an annual campus Halloween party. And it was obviously one of the most important nights of the year.

[Dax Shepard]

It had political ramifications.

[Tanya]

Yes. It was the night that you would probably hook up with someone that you wouldn't normally run into. You have some kind of life altering conversation that you wouldn't remember, make some kind of decision that would haunt you. It ended up being such a mess at this school that they eventually had to shut it down. So it doesn't exist anymore. But when I was there, it was like the pinnacle of college life.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, you were there at the right time.

[Tanya]

Since we were broke college students, my roommate and I decided that we couldn't justify spending money on Halloween costumes. We had to DIY it. But we still obviously wanted to look perfect for this night. At this time, we were also deep in a hippie phase. We were vegans and we loved patchouli and environmentalism and not showering to save water, all of that.

[Dax Shepard]

Were you into jam bands?

[Tanya]

Oh, so into jam bands. Naturally, we decided to kind of go along with that, that we were going to go as Mother Nature to this costume party for our DIY costumes. We thought it was sexy and organic and effortless. So our plan was to just buy a huge piece of brown fabric and hot glue, real leaves straight from our front yard onto the fabric, and then kind of wrap ourselves in it like a toga. We thought it was cute and cheap and sustainable. The day of the party, we went into our lawn. We just scooped up huge armfuls of these kind of damp leaves that had been outside for a while. We sat cross legged on the hardwood floor of our living room, just surrounded by piles of Leaves. And with a hot glue gun, we ended up gluing onto the fabric one by one, these leaves. And it took basically the whole day. The hot glue gun strings are like floating all around us. We're burning our fingers. But it was Halloween and it was important. Finally we finished right before the party was about to start. So we reached down to pick up the fabric to. To kind of wrap ourselves in it. And we realized that the hot glue had bonded the fabric and all of the leaves directly to this original, beautiful, pristine 1900s hardwood floor.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, it just leaked right through that sustainable fabric.

[Tanya]

It wasn't even just stuck. It was like completely fused.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, no.

[Dax Shepard]

And glue loves wood. All those nooks and crannies, whenever we.

[Tanya]

Would lift at the corners, it felt like we were pulling the hardwood floor up with the fabric. We couldn't do it. And obviously this party was about to start and our costumes glued to the floor. So in true 19 year old fashion.

[Monica Padman]

Fuck it.

[Tanya]

We'll deal with this tomorrow. So we wore like flannels and suspenders and were lumberjacks or something stupid. No one knew what we were, but we didn't really care.

[Monica Padman]

I don't think they would have really understood Mother Nature also, to be fair.

[Dax Shepard]

But they would have noticed the. Yeah, but it's great because a lot of times you're like, I don't know what the fuck that is, but boy did it take them a while. And I applaud that.

[Tanya]

I would love that reaction. And that was not what we got. But it ended up being a fun night. I think the next day was Sunday and we were very, very hungover. And when we walked into the living room, we were like, we do not have the capacity to deal with these piles of leaves and this fused fabric. The day passed and all of a sudden we were like back in the weekly routine.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow. Okay. So you just really keep kicking it down the road.

[Monica Padman]

I could see this.

[Tanya]

So we just leave it for some reason. And it turns out that the leaves that we collected that were sitting in our living room, they weren't just leaves. They were damp and decomposing and they were filled with lots of tiny, rapidly reproducing maggots.

[Monica Padman]

Stop.

[Dax Shepard]

No, I was thinking snails, but maggots, that's a bit worse.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, God. Ew.

[Dax Shepard]

You basically made like a habitat in your living room for maggots.

[Tanya]

We kind of started to notice little wriggling things near the edges of the piles. And of course we're like, huh, that's kind of strange. And just kind of Left it.

[Rob]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow.

[Tanya]

It got worse.

[Monica Padman]

Rapidly reproducing is the worst phrase to hear before. Maggots. Ew.

[Tanya]

Yeah. So we had a full blown infestation. They were in the kitchen, in the couch. But we had been so in our groove.

[Dax Shepard]

Sure.

[Tanya]

And we were never really at home in college. Fine lake. Driven by sheer horror. We had to scrape up the glued fabric and the leaves and all of the insects. And by the time we were done, this beautiful hardwood floor was just completely scratched beyond recognition.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Imagine all that dampness also could have warped everything. I mean, you really did everything bad you could do to a hardwood floor. Moisture, glue, dirt, maggots. It was a real you to that floor, really.

[Tanya]

It was never the same through the rest of the time I lived there. We would, like, put a keg on top of that section. Like, well, it's already fucked. It can't get any worse.

[Dax Shepard]

Was there a penalty at the end of all this? Did anyone get a bill?

[Tanya]

Oh, I'm sure we did. We lived in this house for four years. So the number of things that happened in this house.

[Monica Padman]

You're not getting your deposit back. No.

[Tanya]

No.

[Dax Shepard]

Kiss that right goodbye.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, I just hate a maggot.

[Dax Shepard]

Could you list Monica? Where is that in your top 10 snakes out of your bottom?

[Monica Padman]

Number one, snakes up the bot.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, slithering out.

[Monica Padman]

No, they go up there.

[Dax Shepard]

That's the worst. I guess you're right. When they slither out, you're kind of relieved, probably.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. You didn't know they were even tickle. Yeah. Who knows? Maggots might even be worse.

[Dax Shepard]

Really?

[Monica Padman]

Yes. There's something about them and you can't get control of them and they're slimy.

[Dax Shepard]

And g. I think the grossest part. Everyone plug your ears. That's sensitive. But the grossest part is when you step on them. Then there's mayonnaise on the ground.

[Monica Padman]

E. Why? Why?

[Dax Shepard]

I warned everyone to plug their ears. What more do you want me to do? You made me.

[Monica Padman]

Me Listen. Oh, that was.

[Dax Shepard]

Help. Help me. Oh. Well, Christina, you sound very easygoing, pretty laid back. That liberal arts college was the right choice for you.

[Tanya]

The liberal arts education?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Hellenic studies, Baby.

[Dax Shepard]

Helenic studies, Western Civ.

[Tanya]

This is before anxiety and adulthood kicked in. So I'm much less laid back now. But at the time, it was like anything goes.

[Dax Shepard]

You would stress out about it at the time, but really to reduce your life to just four term papers every months, like, that's pretty manageable. And then the rest of your time, you don't give a flying about Anything.

[Monica Padman]

Kegs and. Oh, yeah, mayonnaise.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, Christina. Nice meeting you.

[Tanya]

Thank you. And I just have to say I am so grateful that you two exist in this world. And I appreciate everything that you do and so grateful that I got the opportunity to talk to you both.

[Dax Shepard]

Us.

[Monica Padman]

Thank you. Us, too.

[Dax Shepard]

I hope I bump into you at a food show. It's possible. I'm going to one with Aaron in March or something.

[Tanya]

We'll probably be there.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Come over and lose your shit and join the J2C club.

[Tanya]

I got it out of my system, though.

[Dax Shepard]

That was a trial run.

[Tanya]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

All right.

[Monica Padman]

Bye.

[Dax Shepard]

Take care.

[Monica Padman]

Hello.

[Rob]

Hi, there. Can you hear me?

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wonderful. Cute Cure. Sure, I agree.

[Rob]

Welcome to my closet. Thank you. Big fan of the Cure, so I had to represent.

[Dax Shepard]

Me, too. Robert Smith, indeed. What do we know about him? He's such an enigma, and that's kind of his draw.

[Rob]

There was an interesting thing when they were inducted to the Rock and Roll hall of Fame. Trent Reznor said, Robert Smith has cur. Created this Robert Smith world that we can go and become whenever we want, whenever we feel a little left out or alone. And that's exactly what it represents.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, I like that.

[Dax Shepard]

Also Falling in love. Oh, my God, what good lovesick music.

[Monica Padman]

What's your favorite name? That tune. Hold on, Chris.

[Rob]

Pictures of you.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, Pictures of you. Good job.

[Monica Padman]

Everyone did a great job.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. What's your favorite?

[Rob]

I'm a really big fan of their new album, Songs of a Lost World. Highly recommend it. It's their first album in, I think, eight years. He's getting older and some of his loved ones are passed. And, you know, he's looking at mortality like we all are.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. He was able to articulate heartbreak. So in your early part of your life, that was all romantic love and now people are dying. It just continued on the heartbreak.

[Monica Padman]

Life is hard.

[Rob]

It is. You can tell a Cure fan miles away, if not the get up, at least just. They have this bonamy about them.

[Monica Padman]

Bonhomy. That was a great word.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Rob]

It's an SAT word for sure.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Where are you at?

[Rob]

I am in Northern Virginia, just outside of D.C. but I have to say originally from Michigan. Ann Arbor. The wife is from the Thumb proper farm country. So we met in Michigan. And that was 20 some odd years ago.

[Dax Shepard]

This is why he's so interesting and knowledgeable.

[Rob]

Monica. And I'm not going to leave you out. I've been to the Atlanta airport.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, I think it's that. I think it might be how cultured.

[Dax Shepard]

The airport Is like those Holiday Inn Express commercials.

[Monica Padman]

Very bon me.

[Dax Shepard]

He's like, did you go to a hy vee league? No, but I flew into Atlanta one time.

[Monica Padman]

Exactly.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. You have a DIY story that went awry.

[Rob]

I do. So August 2019. I wanted to put up a camera on our front porch to see the comings and goings of Amazon delivery drivers and all that good stuff. And our house has a really beautiful wraparound front porch with 10 foot ceilings and like a ceiling fan. And we have a porch swing and a good place to hang out when it's not stiflingly hot. But I needed to get power over to where I was putting in the camera and I figured I would just tap right into where the junction box is for the fan. So I took the fan down. One thing to note at this point, I'm home alone. My wife and younger daughter are out running errands. My older daughter is in North Carolina with her friend and their family. At home, it's just me and the dog. So I get my ladder out, take the fan down, put it on the ground.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm going to ask a dumb, dumb question, but you obviously already threw the circuit breaker.

[Rob]

Of course you're preempting something stupid that I would do. But that's for another time.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Okay.

[Rob]

Run the Romex over, put the new plug in, Put a GFI plug in because it's outdoors, tested it. So now I just needed to put the fan actually back up. So I grabbed the fan and I climb up the ladder key. Mine's a ten foot ladder, so for some reason I didn't think or want to take the four minutes to remove the fan blades or the undermount light or anything like that. I have the top of the neck of the fan motor in my right hand and you know, the fan blades are all banging around my body and hitting the ladder and I just need to get the fan motor clipped into the little holder and then I can let go of it. Then it's kind of in place, but the junction box is a bit more full because it's got a separate piece of Romax. It's got some wire nuts, so I can't quite get it into place. So I figured, oh, I'm just going to use my left hand to help push it in a little. However, at the bottom of the fan there's light bulbs and a nice glass dome again, which I didn't take off. So I push my left hand on that glass dome, give it a heave, and my left hand smashes through the glass dome and a few light bulbs slicing open my wrist.

[Keke Palmer]

Oh.

[Monica Padman]

Oh.

[Rob]

I scream out in pain.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm shocked you didn't fall off the ladder.

[Rob]

At this point, I can only kind of remember climbing down the ladder. Thankfully, my wife and younger daughter had gotten home not three minutes beforehand. They were still putting away groceries in the kitchen, so I flung open the door and just yelled, Call 91 1.

[Dax Shepard]

You knew immediately you had cut the artery. Was that obvious?

[Rob]

There's blood everywhere.

[Dax Shepard]

Gonna save five minutes.

[Monica Padman]

Exactly.

[Dax Shepard]

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[Monica Padman]

You don't want it to be greasy? Yeah. I mean, I'm. I have loved drunk elephant for years and years and years, and I'm. I'm happy that you've gotten into it.

[Dax Shepard]

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[Monica Padman]

Essential.

[Dax Shepard]

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[Rob]

So I sit down on the front porch steps and with my right hand put pressure on the wrist. My wife comes out with 911 on the phone. They're telling her to get clean rag or clean shirt or something and just apply pressure. And an ambulance is on its way. I'm bleeding through these rags like no one's business. I'm lightheaded, pale, dizzy. I actually got the 911 call from the county.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh wow.

[Rob]

My wife hasn't had the heart to listen to it yet. I wasn't really there. I was kind of in another face. So it was kind of fun for me to listen to. And at one point the dispatcher asks her how bad I'm bleeding and she said it's dripping all over the porch. It's in bad shape.

[Dax Shepard]

Do they suggest a tourniquet at any point?

[Rob]

They didn't. They were just saying direct pressure. Somehow I didn't pass out. But the paramedics arrive and they quickly see that things aren't great. They're able to stem the bleeding a bit more. They wrap it up with gauze, get me loaded into the ambulance, and off we go to the hospital. It's probably about a 20 minute drive to the hospital. The paramedic calls ahead to the ER just to kind of let them know what to expect. I'm still conscious. And then about five minutes before we get to the hospital, both the EMT and I happen to look down and the gauze is now completely red and it's dripping onto the floor of the ambulance. Without missing a beat, she puts kind of one thumb on my pressure point on the bend of my elbow with the other hand, opens up a cabinet, grabs a tourniquet Rips it open with her teeth, puts it around my arm, cinches it tight. And that somewhat stopped, at least the dripping.

[Dax Shepard]

Phew.

[Rob]

We get to the ER, we get into the triage room, and within seconds, 20 medical professionals are there. I'm crying. I'm thinking, yeah, I'm in a lot better shape now because I'm at least at the hospital, but this is scary stuff. They strap my arm down to a board, wrist side up, start spraying it with saline, and then the next thing you know, I'm out. That was the last thing that I remember. I woke up hours later in a recovery room, still super groggy. I woke enough, basically, to say hi to my wife and then crashed again. And then the next thing I knew, I woke up at three in the morning in my hospital room, and my hand is just bandaged from fingertip to elbow. But I could see that I had all my extremities, which was pretty, pretty cool.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm thinking out loud that you were lucky that you probably landed in a hospital with a vascular surgeon.

[Rob]

So one of the benefits of living in Northern Virginia is we have an amazing medical system. So it's a level one trauma, which I just learned about on the nurses.

[Dax Shepard]

You do? We're all learning at the same time.

[Monica Padman]

We learned so much.

[Rob]

So they did have all the necessary surgeons there to perform immediate surgery. I was discharged later that afternoon. I was in crazy heavy medicine for several weeks. I had hand physical therapy for months. Then some really nasty scars and a little loss of motion in my thumb. So basically what I did is when I pushed up on the globe, obviously it shattered, but I was pushing pretty hard, and I cut my artery long way vertical.

[Monica Padman]

That's the worst.

[Rob]

Exactly. So I cut my artery, several tendons and nerves. Monica, I actually sent you guys a couple of pictures. Hopefully Rob has them up. That's on the table.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, I'm ready for this. Oh, my. Also, you were doing this project in flip flops.

[Rob]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

On the ladder. God, are we the same person? You can handle this, Monica. But, my God, for the listening audience, it's a good six inches of gash. It serpentines around into the hand, down the ribs.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, it goes in. Ew.

[Dax Shepard]

It's raw maggots.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. No one can listen to this episode.

[Rob]

A slight bit of humor to the whole situation. I found out later that after I left in the ambulance and before my wife and daughter drove to the hospital, my wife took the garden hose and hosed on the front porch because there was just blood everywhere. And it's probably best because when she got home from the hospital late that night after seeing me recovery, there was an Amazon package on the front porch. And I could only imagine what the poor Amazon delivery driver would have thought if they saw it. Would they have taken a picture of it? Or they would have been like, customer not available. It just went on their way.

[Dax Shepard]

If I were the Amazon person and I just arrived at a big pool of blood, I would open the box to see if someone had ordered bleach. Like, if this was a murder scene and I was not complicit in the cleanup effort.

[Monica Padman]

That's actually interesting. Do you think delivery people have a obligation to, like, rapport?

[Rob]

Like HIPPA first reporters, like school teachers?

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. We have to call 911 if we see something really bad.

[Dax Shepard]

Chris, you're so smart. What line of work are you in?

[Rob]

I am a full time stay at home dad.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay.

[Monica Padman]

Well, yeah, you got to be smart to do that.

[Rob]

I left the workforce about a year and a half ago, and I Love it. Girl. Dad. 13 and 15. It's what works for our family. So I couldn't be happier. And I have an endless list of projects and things to do.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, God. Stay away from the project.

[Rob]

We have some new rules in our house about the projects I'm allowed to do when no one is home. And if I get up on a ladder, I need to let someone else be there. If my wife hadn't arrived home just before it happened, I'm confident in saying that I wouldn't be here today. There's no way that I could have grabbed my phone and called 911. I just wasn't in this state. And obviously, since there was such significant bleeding, I would have probably passed away.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay. I want to tell you a quick story. It's not to equate your injury with any kind of property damage, but I think you'll just get a kick out of it because I bought a car in 2019. The previous version of it had gone up three times, and I was able to get one. I got it just for an investment. I got the entire car covered in this thin see through wrap so that it would never get any scratches or anything. And it's just going to sit in my garage. So I need to get my snowboard bag out of this loft above the car. And it's raining outside, so I don't want to pull the car out into the rain because then that's its own thing. And then I determine, you know what, I can just get on the ladder Next to the car, and I grab that bag. This is not a huge deal. What I didn't really think about was I had tracked some water in from coming from outside. I set the ladder up. So the ladder's now on some water, which I didn't really notice. And I'm pulling the snowboard bag out from on top of the car, and all of a sudden the ladder starts slipping. And now I have this decision to make. If I fall, it's coming down on top of this car. So I have to, with all my weight, chuck the board from the air so it'll clear the car. And when I do that, I then fall off the ladder, and I shoot the ladder into the car that I'm trying my hardest to protect. And it hits the mirror perfectly where the vinyl wrap has come together at a seam and there's a gap. My first thought when I land on the ground is like, oh, fuck, I think I broke my rib on my bench. Okay. Oh, my arm hurts. And then I'm like, oh, my God, did the ladder hit the side of the car? And I'm looking at the side of the car. No, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine. And then all of a sudden, I see it, and I took a fucking 2 inch chunk of paint out of the mirror, and I'm like, there we go. I saved myself wiping the car down, and now I've got to go find a painter qualified to not take the value of this.

[Rob]

And you're thinking, damn it, I can get my rib replaced. But aftermarket parts are so hard to find for this car.

[Dax Shepard]

What am I gonna do? I destroyed the pristine value of this car. So, yeah, I really deeply relate to just trying to save a few minutes and really fucking regretting it. Absolutely.

[Rob]

It was a learning opportunity for sure, because I've cut corners in the past and skated through, and this time I cut a corner and it didn't end nicely at all. But at least I'm still here.

[Dax Shepard]

There's a dude that I've been going to AA with for 22 years, and his saying, and I appreciate it every single time. Is cutting the corners the quickest way to the back of the line? Something like that. I've heard it a million times.

[Rob]

Well, it's like, cut off your nose, just spite your face type of thing. Just don't do it.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, you just always end up in the very back of the line. Well, Chris, delightful meeting you. I'm not shocked you're above average because you're from Michigan.

[Rob]

Thank you very much. This is an absolute pleasure.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, take care, Chris.

[Monica Padman]

I think it's something like taking a.

[Dax Shepard]

Shortcut is fastest way to the back of the line. Yeah, shortcut's the fastest way to the back of the line.

[Monica Padman]

I think that's what it is.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, that's it.

[Christina]

Can you hear me?

[Dax Shepard]

Beautifully. I don't want to give out your full name, Tanya, but it's criminal you're not a country western singer. That's the best country star name I've ever heard.

[Christina]

I know, right? The 70s is when my name peaked. If you look at the bell curve for popularity of your name, there's not very many of us.

[Dax Shepard]

Who is it, Mona?

[Christina]

Jenny Tucker.

[Dax Shepard]

But she wasn't famous in the 70s, was she?

[Christina]

Sure she was. I'm a 75 baby, like you.

[Dax Shepard]

You're about to turn 50.

[Rob]

When?

[Christina]

This summer. I'm getting scared.

[Monica Padman]

It's gonna be great.

[Dax Shepard]

I just got a rebrand for us. I'm stealing it from Bad Sisters. I'll acknowledge where I got it, but from now on, I'm not 50. You and I are both mid century. Boom. Sounds cooler, right? Sounds architectural. I'm mid century. Fuck, I love it.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Don't you dare, Monica. I'm gonna make shirts that say mid century. Yes.

[Christina]

I'll buy one if you do.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, great. Ramen.

[Monica Padman]

Three customers.

[Dax Shepard]

Three customers. Hey, we have a wide. I'm kidding.

[Monica Padman]

This is great. I'll wear it.

[Dax Shepard]

She's really relishing in her age privilege, isn't she?

[Monica Padman]

I do.

[Dax Shepard]

What a bitch with her fresh eggs.

[Monica Padman]

They're not fresh. They're old and stinky and huge.

[Christina]

It happens to all of us.

[Dax Shepard]

Where are you, Tanya?

[Christina]

I am in UT in a oral surgery office of the man that this story is about. I'm working for my dad today.

[Dax Shepard]

Is he a periodontist?

[Christina]

He is an oral surgeon. He pulls teeth. Perio, I think is about gums. He still works. He's 84 years old.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow.

[Christina]

And he works on a semi retired schedule. He's just finishing up his afternoon nap.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, what a stuff.

[Monica Padman]

This is great.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, hit us with your DIY story that went awry.

[Christina]

Okay, so this is a landscaping DIY disaster. A few things about my dad that you need to know is that he is a genius. But this is usually what gets him in trouble. He knows how to do things. He knows how to figure them out if he doesn't. He is big on self sufficiency. His parents were World War II age vets. Another thing about his brilliance is he skipped out on the last year of college when he took his entrance exam into dental school because his scores were so high that they admitted him immediately. My dad has only ever paid for landscaping once in his life, and that was in the last 10 years. At 85, he still maintains five acres of land and my mom, who's 80, mows the lawn. He will spend a dollar to save a penny. He's that kind of a person. And the same goes for his time. He will work an idea a hundred times over. He's very persistent. He does not give up. Also, the last thing you need to know about our family is Saturday Chore day was an all day thing. If you stayed the night at somebody's house, you had to be back in time for chores. If somebody stayed the night at your house, they either needed to leave or help out. There are eight kids in our family.

[Dax Shepard]

This is all screaming Mormon. The industriousness, the eight kids. Yes, okay, we are Mormon.

[Christina]

We're in Utah right now.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah.

[Christina]

But this story does not take place in Utah. I was raised in the Central Valley of California. San Joaquin Valley, outside of fresno. This is 96. Maybe I'm home from college. My dad had a job for us to do for the summer. It included my older brother who was in college, myself and my younger sister who was in college. So this is probably May. And we had a newish house. We had built a pool the summer before and now my dad is trying to landscape the backyard. In digging our pool, we found out that there is about 12 to 18 inches of what's called hard pan. It's thick concrete, like soil. You can't penetrate it. You can use a pickaxe all you want, you're never going to get to the bottom of it. But there is an orange grove in the back of our property. So how the heck did they get their trees planted? He finds out that you can get an ag permit for dynamite.

[Dax Shepard]

Perf.

[Christina]

Now we're talking in the two acres that we have. He would need to plant 60 trees. So he figures out the recipe. He researches how to do it. He knows where to get all the stuff. It's getting close to blasting day. We had to write an auger.

[Dax Shepard]

Sorry, you gotta drill a hole and dump the dynamite in there.

[Christina]

We had to put like 30 inches down into the ground. That took three days to do all 60 holes. And it's blasting day. My dad took off work. He never takes off work. The only reason I know he took off work is that my two young siblings were at school and My youngest sister was home with the chickenpox. We start in the far, far back part of our property. 2 acres. So pretty far. We put one scoop in. One scoop was about the size of a paint can. A small quart. My brother lights it, we all run, and there is a kaboom. Like a howitzer cannon. Kaboom. So it was a little bit anticlimactic. And no earth moved at all.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Christina]

It just shot straight out of it like a cannon. So. So dad being a Mr. Scientist, he treated it like a science experiment. We changed one thing. We adjust. So some of the things we tried was stuffing it with a blanket to make it push out like a firecracker. We tried chicken wire in a blanket. We tried a big, huge boulder. Things weren't working. So now we're increasing the number of scoops.

[Chris]

Oh, boy.

[Christina]

We go to two. We finally get up to three.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, great.

[Monica Padman]

This is like when you take too many drugs because the drugs haven't hit you.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes, yes. And you're impatient.

[Christina]

We're up to three scoops in the hole. My mom calls my brother and my sister and I that we're home from college. We had to leave for an eye doctor appointment. We take off.

[Monica Padman]

Uh oh.

[Christina]

At the last second, she makes my little sister with the chickenpox come with us. She didn't want to leave dad experimenting with dynamite with a sick little girl inside. So he's doing it all by himself. We come home, country roads, everybody has a couple acres. And we're at our neighbor's house and there are dirt clots everywhere. Oh, and the closer we get to our house, there's more. And my heart starts beating. We're getting scared. The closer we get to the driveway into the house, it's so much that my brother just undoes the van door, huge Mormon van door, by the way. And we bolt out of there and we just head towards the back of the property. And we're looking for body parts, honestly, like, where is dad?

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, no.

[Keke Palmer]

Hey, everyone, it's your girl, Keke Palmer. Did you know I host a podcast called Baby, this is Keke Palmer. And you're not going to believe the conversations I've had. Like, is onlyfans only bad? How has dating changed in the digital age? What's the deal with Disney adults? I talked to John Stamos, the vp, Kamala hers to Jordan Peele, Raven Simone, and yes, the one and only Jamila Jamil. And just wait until you hear our conversation. We talk Twitter drama, bad dates, and then time. How the hell do you actually get sexy? Like, what the hell does that mean? Like, I know how to be funny. I know how to be like. You know what I'm saying?

[Dax Shepard]

Exactly.

[Keke Palmer]

Like, I don't really know how to be like. And take you. I'm not robbing Givens. You know, it's like that. How do people do that?

[Monica Lewinsky]

I've been in this situation too many times and not.

[Christina]

Not felt any of those things.

[Chris]

The dull eyes, the quiet.

[Monica Lewinsky]

Like, I've never been quiet a moment in my fucking life.

[Keke Palmer]

Yes on Baby, this is Keke Palmer. No topic is off limits. Follow Baby this is Keke Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast. You can listen early and ad free right now by joining Wondery.

[J]

What's up everybody? It's Jason Kelsey and I'm here with my slack, slightly famous little brother, Travis, AKA Big Yeti Kelsey.

[Dax Shepard]

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we're here to bring you a next level entertainment experience with our show New Heights, where the lumbaby reigns supreme.

[J]

We're covering all the hardest hitting topics in order of importance. UFO sightings, the ideal PB&J combo, and Trav becoming a big time acting star.

[Dax Shepard]

Big time is a big stretch. We've got can't miss a list interviews though.

[J]

That's right. And of course, next level access to life inside the NFL and in the booth. Just because I retired doesn't mean I'm out of the game.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, I mean, the. The old dad shoes suggest otherwise, but those are the I'm out the game shoes right there.

[J]

Listen to watch New Heights wherever you get your podcasts. And if you want to listen to us first without any interruptions and get bonus content, join 1,3 plus in the Wondery app, Apple podcast, podcasts or Spotify.

[Christina]

So the hole back there is massive.

[Dax Shepard]

New swimming pool.

[Christina]

Exactly. New spa, Dax. You could lay in the bottom of it with your arms outstretched and just be fine.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow.

[Rob]

Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

A foxhole.

[Monica Padman]

Oh my God.

[Christina]

Then we hear some laughter coming from the inside of the house. And my other sisters were in there with my mom. And we go inside. My brother and I run over there. My dad is laying on the bed of his bedroom. There's a tarp on the floor. There's a ladder set up. There's a bucket of tools and a 12 inch hole in the ceiling. What, with a rock?

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, that shot up and came down?

[Christina]

Yep.

[Dax Shepard]

Now he's repairing the room. Yeah, blew up in the air. And then came God. Lucky you didn't come down on him.

[Christina]

It took about two weeks for him to finally tell the story. He was telling some tall tales all along the way. He was saying things like, oh, an alien must have come and tried to get me and the laser beam shot through the roof. Or I was kicking and screaming when the aliens were trying to get me and I kicked a hole in the roof. He's a little rascal. He has a lot of different tall tales he tells. And Aliens is a favorite of his.

[Monica Padman]

A go to.

[Christina]

About two weeks later at family dinner, he finally fessed up to the whole story with the three scoops in the hole. The boulder nearby. He had remembered there are these things called boosters or blasting caps that fit over the detonator and it gives you maximum explosion with minimal amount of dynamite.

[Dax Shepard]

This is Nobel. The Nobel Peace Prize. He invented that blasting cap. So much of the earth was destroyed by his invention, he felt like he should take the money and give back. And that's what the Nobel Peace Prize is from.

[Monica Padman]

Wow.

[Christina]

Gets those from the safe. He kept them separate. He lights it, runs back about 100ft, and this time it was kaboom. The sound waves knocked him flat on his back. And he is being pelted by all of these little dirt clods all around him. And he comes to and he sees the rock up in the sky. And the rock is pretty big. Maybe 24 inches. Splits in two. One lands in the orange grove behind our house. House. And the other just gets swallowed up into the house.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my.

[Dax Shepard]

Talk about saving a little money on a professional. And then now you gotta replace part of the roof.

[Christina]

Yeah. He never had anybody fix it. He tried to fix it himself that afternoon before we got home. But it was time for a nap. Just like he loves. And he does his best thinking in nap time.

[Rob]

Sure.

[Dax Shepard]

How did the remaining 59 holes get blasted?

[Christina]

So we did finish up. We ended up only needing a third of a scoop. Through trial and error. I am shocked that we didn't blow all the windows out of our house from that first one because the rattle was so big. My brother heard it about a mile away after school, and he was just like, what is going on? Our neighbors called the cops on us, but he had a permit. He showed that cop exactly what he had. Carry on, sir. Mind your own business.

[Dax Shepard]

It looks like you've got it.

[Christina]

We've got things under control here. And I think it was kind of exciting too. She was mad because her horses were losing their mind.

[Dax Shepard]

Probably pretty frightening.

[Christina]

We did get a twofer in that whole thing because that big old pit turned Into a fire pit.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh.

[Christina]

All of our friends started calling him Dr. Boom Boom.

[Monica Padman]

That's so funny.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, that's great.

[Monica Padman]

That's a great story.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, I'm glad everyone was away from the house.

[Christina]

Let me see if he's around. If you would like to meet this mad scientist.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah. Let's see if he's awake.

[Christina]

Give me one second. Dak, you gotta come right now.

[Dax Shepard]

Get in here.

[Christina]

Here he is.

[Monica Padman]

Yes. Hello.

[Dax Shepard]

Hi. You left out that he's very handsome, too.

[Christina]

Oh, yeah, he is.

[Dax Shepard]

I want to thank you for blowing up your entire yard and sending a rock into your roof. Because it made for a great story for us.

[Christina]

When I told him we were going to do this, he said, I'll ask him if he wants to go for round two. Do you have any holes that need.

[Dax Shepard]

To be dug once I get to Nashville? Yeah. I might call on your services. Once the pyromania, always a pot of maniac. Great meeting both of you. Tanya, thank you for telling us that story. That was great.

[Christina]

No problem. Glad to share it.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, take care, you guys.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, fathers are funny.

[Dax Shepard]

We're all kind of the same.

[Monica Padman]

You are all the same. And you're always trying to play with your trinkets and put trinkets up. You call them tools, but really, they're trinkets.

[Dax Shepard]

Sure. That whole story is appealing. I would love to get the permit and I'd love to have an excuse to use dynamite. I've always wanted to rob. Have you wanted to be able to blast dynamite?

[Rob]

Absolutely. I mean, I've shot firecrackers a lot.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. M 80s and quarter sticks. You're always looking for a quarter stick in Michigan. Quarter stick. Quarter stick of dynamite.

[Monica Padman]

Hi.

[Dax Shepard]

Are you Chris?

[Chris]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Monica Padman]

Is it short for Christine or Christina?

[Tanya]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

Because we had another Chris today, and I said, wow, Double Chris is one.

[Monica Padman]

Of my best friend's. Name is Chris short for Christina in Atlanta.

[Dax Shepard]

For Christina, huh?

[Monica Padman]

With a K. But you're with the.

[Chris]

C. C, H. Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

So where in Canada are you?

[Chris]

BC Outside of Vancouver.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, so you have a DIY story that went bad.

[Chris]

Technically, my husband was supposed to be telling the story. He was the one who experienced it. I will admit, I was the catalyst.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, we've been down this road already. Yeah. Yeah.

[Chris]

I am just the designer and he is the planner, which, after you hear the story that has now shifted, I am now both.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Monica Padman]

Okay.

[Chris]

We moved into our house in 2019, and we're in a townhouse row. So we're like the first six and then the entire complex is behind us. I'm a cleaner. I hate baseboards. The old schooled ones with the grooves. I don't wanna get in there. I wanted a more modern block, make it nice and simple for me. So we removed all the old crappy baseboards. It's a bit of an investment to obviously put back into your home. So we started off very small. I'm like, let's just do the bathrooms and then we'll eventually get to the rest of it. So I tasked my husband with the downstairs bathroom as I'm away at work. And this bathroom shares a wall with our hot water tank.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Chris]

So my husband starts nailing the baseboard to the bottom. Prior to this, he does turn off the water. That's by the toilet. Toilet tanks. He's making his way around. And now he gets to the wall that shared the closet. Hot water tank pierces the wall.

[Dax Shepard]

He's using a nail gun.

[Chris]

Yeah. Water starts to come out of the wall, like pressurized water. He's immediately feet up. It's quite a small space that he could at least put some pressure on it. He's like, I turned off the water. I don't get why this is happening. He calls me while I'm at work and he's like, you need to come home. Something's gone wrong. And I'm like, you dropped me off at work this morning. We have one vehicle. I'm sorry, you're on your home.

[Dax Shepard]

Also, we don't have time with water gushing everywhere for anyone to come home from work. We've got to turn off the main water here.

[Chris]

Exactly. So thankfully, our neighbor, he has the key to our six row utility closet, goes to turn off the water, and he's like, why isn't the water stopping? We get a plumber out, and they come to turn off the main water to our six houses that we can't get to.

[Monica Padman]

Is water still gushing out?

[Chris]

It stopped at this point.

[Dax Shepard]

My guess is it ran for a while after because he punctured the hot water heater, which holds like 100 gallons of water. So it was gonna leak long after the water supply was turned off.

[Chris]

It wasn't our water tank that he hit. So the water's just off for the night. It's 5pm at this point. Our six houses, nobody has water.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, I'd be so pissed.

[Dax Shepard]

I would too. My neighbor, I'm like, hey, you're not qualified to do this. Now none of us have water.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Chris]

Husband comes to pick me up from work. I'm like, we need to give them a jug of water and a little, like, gift card. We've literally just met these people.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. Not a great look.

[Chris]

We've got somebody coming in the next day, plumbing plumber comes, fixes it. They go to turn the main water back on, and it's still pressurized. He goes, we have to turn off the main water again. And we're like, okay, great. He goes to turn it off, and he breaks the valve.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow.

[Chris]

Okay, so now we have to call the city to get them to turn off the water to all 65 homes.

[Dax Shepard]

No.

[Chris]

Oh, my God.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, no.

[Dax Shepard]

Just keeps growing in. The whole town doesn't have water.

[Monica Padman]

Exactly.

[Chris]

Usually 24, 72 hours in advance gives you notice that they're turning off water. It was immediate because Trav is trying to figure this out with the plumber who just broke the valve. He didn't contact Strata for, like, three hours after this happened. So they're getting phone calls, emails. What the heck's happening? Why is our water turned off? What we thought was gonna be, I think maybe 12 hours without water was close to, like, 20 hours without water. So then the city comes out the next day, they fix it. So we're like, whew, great. Everybody gets their water back on. Then we get another plumber to come back in. He actually tells us that the way our house was originally built, they did not put that main water line buried far enough down in the ground. So if he would have punctured our water line, we would have been able to turn it off, fix it. He would have been able to put it on, no problem. But because it wasn't buried enough in the. The cement, he hit the whole.

[Dax Shepard]

The water main.

[Chris]

Exactly. And so we still do not have baseboard to this day. We've been in this house for five years because I'm just traumatized. I don't want to puncture anything.

[Dax Shepard]

How fucked up was the ground underneath?

[Chris]

Oh, we had to, like, jackhammer, pull it out, dry it out. It was like, two days of that plumber coming in and out of our house.

[Monica Padman]

What a disaster. Just for some baseboards.

[Dax Shepard]

I mean, the theme of all these is, like, we're all trying to save a few bucks and ends up costing way more than heaven. Someone else come in and just do it.

[Monica Padman]

I don't mean to pat myself on the back, but I don't suffer from this.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, you really shine.

[Monica Padman]

I am very fast to just ask someone to please come take care of, in fact, everything.

[Chris]

Bless my husband. I feel like he wants to Be handy. He's techy. That's his domain. I'm like, you stay there.

[Monica Padman]

You gotta know your lane.

[Dax Shepard]

In this life, a man's got to know his limitations.

[Monica Padman]

A woman's Clint Eastwood, everyone. Oh, he said that?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. Know your language.

[Dax Shepard]

More men need to. Really. I think they're taking bigger swings.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, I guess so.

[Dax Shepard]

Let me just listen to some of the previous callers.

[Monica Padman]

It's true.

[Chris]

I am just so, so excited to hear some of these other ones.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, wow.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, dynamite makes an appearance. You should know that someone decided they were qualified to use dynamite because they were able to get a permit for it.

[Chris]

That is wild. But, yeah. That is our first experience in our home.

[Dax Shepard]

So sorry.

[Chris]

I feel like we were laughing about it in the moment, because how do you not? I just couldn't believe that it literally went from a tiny hole to, like, now we have to call the city.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, I think the silver lining is that this all took place in Canada, because If you had 60American neighbors without water, I think someone would have come to your house to fight. Well, Chris, lovely meeting you. We love our Canadian neighbors so much. In our Canadian arm, cherries.

[Chris]

I have to give a shout out to my bestie, Cora, who also listens, and my sister. They all love you, Dax. I do have to give a special. My one sister, she's just like, please tell him I love him.

[Dax Shepard]

What's her name?

[Chris]

Amanda.

[Dax Shepard]

Amanda, I love you back.

[Chris]

She will love that. You guys are such a great example of what a friendship is. You guys just hold space for each other even when you don't agree. Thank you for demonstrating that.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, thank you.

[Monica Padman]

That's very kind.

[Chris]

Monica, your eye rolls.

[Monica Padman]

Can't help it.

[Chris]

I've also been told that mine are pretty epic. So I'm always just like, yeah, girl, like you get.

[Dax Shepard]

Thank you so much. It was great meeting you. Thank you.

[Chris]

It was great meeting you guys.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, take care. I'm gonna do these things. I didn't learn a lesson. I just want you to know I will still be trying to do all my own.

[Monica Padman]

Home Improvement diy. That was a good one.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

All right.

[Tanya]

Love you.

[Dax Shepard]

Love you.

[Rob]

Do you want to sing a tune or something? We know the theme song.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay, great. We don't have a song for the this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of armchairies, we'll get some suggestions on the fly rhyme dish. On the fly rhyme dish. Enjoy. Follow Armchair expert on the Wondry app, Amazon music or wherever you get your podcasts, you can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short [e-mail] survey at.

[Monica Lewinsky]

24 I lost my narrative. Or rather it was stolen from me, and the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics. I would define Reclaiming as to take back what was yours. Something you possess Possess is lost or stolen, and ultimately you triumph in finding it again. So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting with folks both recognizable and unrecognizable names about the way that people have navigated roads to triumph. My hope is that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming and feel like they filled their tank up, they connected with the people that I'm talking to, and leave with maybe some nuggets that help them feel a little more hopeful. Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Reclaiming early and ad free right now by joining Wondery plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.