Armchair Anonymous: First Day of School

Summary

Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Episode: Armchair Anonymous: First Day of School
Release Date: August 22, 2025

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Episode Overview

This edition of Armchair Anonymous, hosted by Dax Shepard and Monica Padman, invites listeners to share their most memorable and wild first day of school stories. The theme is steeped in nostalgia, anxiety, excitement, and the universal human messiness that Dax loves to explore. What emerges is a collection of hilarious, horrifying, and ultimately uplifting anecdotes from teachers and students alike, as well as an ongoing, lighthearted debate about the social status of choir, band, and collared shirts in high school. The episode brims with empathy for those awkward moments and celebrates the resilience of forging ahead through embarrassment and disaster.

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Key Discussion Points and Stories

First Day Jitters: Host Perspectives

• Nostalgia and Anxiety
  Dax and Monica set the tone with their own memories:
  • “So scary. So much excitement and possibility.” – Dax (00:35)
  • “It's a wispy time.” – Monica (00:33)
  • The two reminisce about those ritualistic first day feelings: nerves, hope, and potential reinvention at school’s start.

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Story 1: Megan’s Nightmare First Day As a Teacher (Canada)

• Setting: Megan’s first day as a full-time teacher after landing her dream position straight out of college.
• Story Beats:
  • Eagerly documents her big morning, but running behind, she drives rather than walks the short journey.
  • While turning into her school’s lot—with a “hype up song” playing—she collides with a high schooler on a bike.
    • “All of a sudden literally something flies over my car. My windshield is shattered. I just see this body off of a bike fly over and is just on the ground.” (05:43)
  • The cyclist (helmeted and unharmed) ends up consoling a devastated Megan.
  • Police arrive (one is her friend), and so does the student's mother. Megan is convinced her career is over before it starts.
  • Her criminal defense lawyer friend steps in, calming her and helping with police.
  • The school union president assures Megan she won’t be fired.
  • Megan composes herself to face a room full of six-year-olds, hiding her tears as “seasonal allergies.”
  • The destroyed bike stays chained up at school for days—a reminder of her traumatic debut.
  • She ultimately pays for car damage (not at fault—the cyclist was on the sidewalk) and remains at her job.
• Notable Quotes:
  • “I went from Chapel Row into a dell. I went from ‘After Midnight’ to ‘Chasing Pavement.’” – Megan (05:51)
  • “Luckily at this time, a coworker was also walking to work, jealous of them. Guardian angel…so calm, was like, ‘It’s going to be okay.’” (06:40)
  • “This was supposed to be the first day of my career that I’ve dreamed about. And now I’ve hit a kid on a bike…” – Megan (07:18)
  • “I just had to pay for the damage to the car because he was on the sidewalk. So it all worked out okay.” (11:32)
• Timestamps:
  • Story Start: 02:47
  • Collision: 05:43
  • Resolution: 11:32

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Story 2: Katie’s Freshman Vomit Catastrophe (Michigan)

• Setting: First day of freshman year, Traverse City, Michigan.
• Story Beats:
  • Katie feels ill in last hour, asks best friend Mallory to help her get to the bathroom.
  • The high school choir is standing in front of the girls' bathroom.
  • Katie projectile vomits—first on the choir kids, then all over Mallory’s back, arm, hair.
    • “In the meantime, though, I put my hands over my mouth and I just start spewing. Like, I just start throwing up everywhere.” (15:35)
    • “As she turns to grab me, I throw up again. Directly on her arm, in her hair, all over her sweater. And she's like, whatever. Still charging through.” (16:11)
  • Mallory helps her into the bathroom, sacrificing her outfit. The scarf Katie borrowed from Mallory is ruined.
  • The story underscores deep friendship—Mallory never gets mad, just chucks the contaminated sweater.
  • Katie earns a “class clown” reputation, unembarrassed by the incident.
• Notable Quotes:
  • “I was just projectiling forward.” – Katie (16:34)
  • “You just painted the place. And the choir, don’t forget.” – Dax & Monica (16:59)
  • “It did not affect me long term. I ended up being class clown... You're just kind of weird and awkward and it's funny and you're... puking.” – Katie (22:04)
• Timestamps:
  • Story Start: 14:10
  • Choir Catastrophe: 15:35
  • Aftermath/Reflection: 22:04

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Ongoing Debate: Choir vs. Band vs. Theater Status

• Spirited discussion about which extracurriculars are “cool” at different schools and in different states.
  • Monica: “Chorus was cool and theater was cool because I was in it.” (26:46)
  • Dax: “None of those three things were really that popular pursuits in Michigan…” (27:01)
  • Fiona (from Ohio): “Band is the cool thing. Choir is kind of the nerdy thing.” (26:41)
• Timestamps:
  • Major debate: 26:10–27:27

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Story 3: Fiona’s Boot Security Injury (Northwest Ohio)

• Setting: Teacher’s first day in a new district, responsible for choir and drama in a classroom with specialized active shooter security doors (“the boot” system).
• Story Beats:
  • Fiona runs a theater game; as she re-enters the classroom, the heavy security door slams onto her ankle.
    • “The door slams onto the back of my ankle... I see a chunk of my ankle gone. But there’s no blood.” (30:19)
  • The nurse tries to bandage it but there's “so much blood.”
  • Advised to get stitches, Fiona refuses an ambulance and calls her husband for a ride to the ER.
  • Receives seven stitches; must wear sandals for two months.
    • “Every time I took a step, the stitches were pulling...” (37:27)
  • The school installs new, slow-closing doors soon after.
• Notable Quotes:
  • “I look down and I see a chunk of my ankle gone.” – Fiona (31:03)
  • “I wanted to look strong on my first day.” – Fiona (30:40)
  • “This is one of those situations where it’s like, you prepare for an active shooter… but then in the meantime, twenty people cut through and kill each other.” – Dax (38:36)
• Timestamps:
  • Story Start: 25:23
  • Injury Details: 30:19
  • Aftermath: 37:23–39:41

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Story 4: Adam’s Freshman Friday & Gymnast Strength (Knoxville, Tennessee)

• Setting: Adam, a former gymnast and reluctant male cheerleader in middle school, dreads “Freshman Friday” (a hazing ritual) on his first day of high school.
• Story Beats:
  • Despite wanting to “blend in,” Adam is targeted by upperclassmen for a trash-can dunk.
    • “What was being told to me was that I was going to be trashed, so I was going to be dumped in the trash can, basically. So I was absolutely terrified.” (45:36)
  • He tries to avoid public areas and rides home with any friend’s parent to escape.
  • On Friday, he's finally snatched by a senior's “toady” and hoisted toward a rancid cafeteria trash can in front of everyone.
  • Using gymnast reflexes, Adam kicks off the wall and upends both himself and the attacker, causing public shock and ending the ordeal.
    • “Little 100 pound me gets so nervous, I kick off the wall and we both go flying backwards.” (47:46)
  • His cousin then intervenes to de-escalate, and Adam is never targeted again—later winning “Friendliest” superlative senior year.
• Notable Quotes:
  • “You have to take me home. I'm about to get trashed.” – Adam (46:24)
  • “Michael has an iron trap memory.” – Dax (47:18)
  • “I will not be subjugated by you, sir.” – Dax (48:44)
• Timestamps:
  • Story Start: 43:44
  • Trash Can Standoff: 47:46
  • Reflection/Superlatives: 50:27

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• Dax on First Day Anxiety:
  “I'm both grateful I don't have a first day of school and jealous because it's so scary. But then also it's fun.” (52:50)
• On Resilience After Disaster:
  “I pulled my socks up and finished the day of work. I can listen to Chapel Rowan again. It's been a bit, but she's back on my playlist.” – Megan (11:41)
• On Deep Friendship:
  “Mallory’s a pretty aggressive woman… she just starts football, like, roughing her way in through the crowd… I had borrowed a scarf from her… we threw it away because it was so covered.” – Katie (16:11, 20:52)
• On High School Social Hierarchies:
  “Band is the cool thing. Choir is kind of the nerdy thing.” – Fiona (26:41)
• On Overcoming Hazing:
  “I stood up for myself and I fought back, which is even better.” – Adam (51:53)
• On Teachers’ Tough First Days:
  “I'm just going to compartmentalize this and shove it right down… and fake that I have seasonal allergies and hope they don't recognize I was just bawling my eyes out for an hour.” – Megan (10:36)

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Other Running Themes & Moments

• Collared Shirt Banter: Dax and Monica hilariously debate the prudence of high school boys wearing collared shirts, with listeners chiming in on their adolescent fashion choices (throughout, see esp. 13:16, 52:03).
• Hosts’ Reflections and Empathy:
  Both hosts repeatedly highlight their empathy for the guests, reveling in their resilience and relating stories from their own school days and “painful beginnings.”
• Nostalgia for School Rituals:
  Monica and Dax miss buying new school supplies and the feeling of reinvention (53:01–53:41).

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• Megan’s story (Canada): 02:47–12:21
• Katie’s story (Michigan): 14:10–22:29
• Choir/Band debate: 26:10–27:27
• Fiona’s story (Ohio): 25:23–39:41
• Adam’s story (Tennessee): 43:44–52:41
• Reflective wrap-up & nostalgia: 52:50–54:27

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Tone and Language

The episode is warm, candid, and shot through with the hosts' signature irreverence and honesty about human misadventure. Humor and humility are ever-present—none of the stories are played for cruelty, and there’s consistent encouragement for guests to find light in even the most mortifying or painful experiences.

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For listeners who missed the episode:
Expect a series of incredible first day of school stories—filled with calamity, embarrassment, and resilience—interspersed with the hosts’ goofy banter, debates on band and choir coolness, and a running love for all things awkwardly human. Whether you’re nostalgic for school or still haunted by it, you’ll find kindred spirits in this episode.

Transcript

[Dax Shepard]

Wondry subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free right now. Join Wondry in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome welcome welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Buck Rogers and I'm joined by Gene Lightyear.

[Monica Padman]

We're back.

[Dax Shepard]

What a fitting time to be back because today's episode is Tell us about a crazy first day of school School experience.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, it's so nostalgic.

[Dax Shepard]

We got both fearful of first day of school and nostalgic and envious.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, it's a wispy time.

[Dax Shepard]

So scary. So much excitement and possibility.

[Monica Padman]

So much on the horizon.

[Dax Shepard]

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[Sponsor Voice]

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[Monica Padman]

Mm. I love a Boar's Head sandwich. I love the Oven Gold Turkey.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh my God, that's my favorite. Yeah.

[Sponsor Voice]

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[Dax Shepard]

Hard times come and go Good times take them slow My life, I had them both Remember one thing you gotta know I'mma keep on shining.

[Megan (Guest from Canada)]

Hello.

[Monica Padman]

Hi.

[Dax Shepard]

We're going with a fake name today.

[Megan (Guest from Canada)]

All you whatever you want to come up with Monica?

[Dax Shepard]

Are you feeling anything strong?

[Monica Padman]

I'm gonna go with Megan.

[Megan (Guest from Canada)]

Love it. I was just watching Queer Ultimatum. There was a Megan on that. I didn't hate her, so it worked well.

[Monica Padman]

I didn't hate her as better than I hated her.

[Dax Shepard]

Also, Megan's really safe.

[Monica Padman]

No one's gonna identify you by Megan.

[Dax Shepard]

No, Megan, where are you?

[Megan (Guest from Canada)]

I am gonna paint with a broad stroke. I'm gonna say I'm in Canada.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. We would have figured that out. As you said a boot at some point.

[Megan (Guest from Canada)]

A boot. Throw in the odd A. I knew.

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

You would have gotten to the bottom of it.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, so you have a first day of school story.

[Megan (Guest from Canada)]

Do I ever.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, I'm so excited.

[Dax Shepard]

Also, Meghan, you're experiencing something very unique in Armchair Anonymous. Which is we're all in different locations.

[Monica Padman]

Well, no, Rob and I are in the same location.

[Megan (Guest from Canada)]

But you two aren't together.

[Dax Shepard]

That's right.

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm never in a room somewhere in the south when we do these.

[Megan (Guest from Canada)]

O is really special.

[Dax Shepard]

I think so. I just wanted you to be aware of the context. Okay. So first day of school.

[Megan (Guest from Canada)]

Okay. It's a chilly day in September. It's the first day of my teaching career. So I'm so excited. Wake up. It's like out of a movie scene. This is amazing. I've wanted to be a teacher since I was in kindergarten. How it works while I am in Canada, a lot of people supply for a few years before they get a contract job. But I was really lucky. Must have been some sort of personality hire because I graduated in May and then I got a contract for that September.

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

And.

[Megan (Guest from Canada)]

And where the school is from, my house is like 600 meters. But that morning I had to drop my dog off at my friends. Cause they were gonna watch my dog for me which is also like 400 meters from the school. But this particular morning, you know, I got put behind. I was taking some pics on a front facing selfie cam. Cause I was so excited. This monumental moment in history. So I ended up driving cause I got a little bit behind. So I probably leave my house around 8am School bell rings around 8:55. That's when the kids start rolling in. So I drive to my friend's house, literally a 30 second drive, drop off my dog. She's like, oh my God, let's get a picture. You look so cute. I like get in the car. We'll put a hype up song. Because you know, it's literally less than one song. Drive to my school. So I go with After Midnight by Chapel Rowan.

[Dax Shepard]

Monica, is that ringing a bell for you?

[Monica Padman]

Great song. Also, I'm just putting two and two together. Like, this story's recent.

[Dax Shepard]

You were dating it by the song Monica. I was really clever.

[Monica Padman]

I was doing clues.

[Megan (Guest from Canada)]

It's a recent story for sure. So I'm in my car, I'm like still so excited. I'm jamming out and where my school is, it's a hill and there's a traffic light at the bottom of the hill. So traffic often will get backed up on the hill. I go to turn left into the school. Traffic is backed up, but there's a gap. And so I get waved in. So I'm like slowly pulling in. My tires are on the front of the school property. I'm fully on the sidewalk so that cars can still get by me. When all of a sudden literally something flies over my car. My windshield is shattered. I just see this body off of a bike fly over and is just on the ground.

[Dax Shepard]

You've struck one of the students pulling in.

[Megan (Guest from Canada)]

I went from Chapel Row into a dell. I went from after midnight to chasing pavement.

[Monica Padman]

Literally.

[Megan (Guest from Canada)]

It went so dark so fast.

[Dax Shepard]

What was the age of those cyclists?

[Megan (Guest from Canada)]

It was a high school student wearing a helmet. Not that I'm like an avid bike hitter and not that I think anyone deserves to get hit by a car, but it wasn't like, oh, that little scramy high school student. It was like a precious peanut. Long sleeve collared shirt, helmet on, cute.

[Dax Shepard]

Little shirt, tucked in, doing all the right stuff.

[Monica Padman]

You hit from the front.

[Megan (Guest from Canada)]

Not to play the victim, but the bike did hit me. Okay, they have come over the side of my wheel well, so handlebars into the front hood. Bike smash my windshield.

[Dax Shepard]

The well mannered, well dressed, behaved boy was riding on the sidewalk at a full clip. And she pulled into the lot, stopping halfway, blocking the sidewalk. He T boned her. And T.J. hookered over the windshield.

[Megan (Guest from Canada)]

Correct. So I put my car in park. I'm like immediately freaking out. Like I go from posing for a picture of what grade I'm teaching to like, oh my God, are you okay? To the point where he starts consoling me. Thank God he was wearing a helmet. Best case scenario, he maybe sprained his ankle. I'm like, I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. Luckily at this time, a coworker was also walking to work, jealous of them. So they start walking up the hill. Honestly, Guardian angel was so calm, was so composed, was like, it's going to be okay.

[Dax Shepard]

I've been hitting one once a week for a decade.

[Megan (Guest from Canada)]

That's why I walk. You might want to try it. So she starts like asking the k, are you hurt? Is everything okay? They're visibly shaken up. So we call the cops. The mom comes, puts her frigging four ways on parks. Basically in the middle of the road, sprints to her kid.

[Monica Padman]

Oh my God. Were you like, I'm gonna get fired?

[Megan (Guest from Canada)]

Absolutely I was. I'm like, I'm losing my job. I can never listen to Chapel Rowan again. I don't even want this car anymore.

[Dax Shepard]

You're also 22, right? So when mom arrives, mom's like, this is a 22 year old kid teaching here that just blasted my son who was all dressed.

[Megan (Guest from Canada)]

My new co workers are starting to roll in. I'm like, what a effing first impression. They're going to be like, who is this teenager that just hit a biker?

[Monica Padman]

How old do we think he is? Do we think he's a freshman or a senior?

[Megan (Guest from Canada)]

I think he's in the middle. But the kindest little soul, Such a little nerdy angel. He's like, probably so nervous for his first day. Just in his head, bombing her down the hill. So the cops show up, one of which is one of my good friends, but has to be professional. So it's kind of one of those, like, they're there. It's going to be okay. I'm crying at this point. This was supposed to be the first day of my career that I've dreamed about. And now I've hit a kid on a bike. And my new boss comes out, is like, oh, okay, it's gonna be okay. But like move to the side because in 10 minutes students are gonna start showing up. A new cop ends up coming and it's a cop in training. So like fml.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, but you can't throw stones. Everyone here is new.

[Dax Shepard]

No one present is over 24, it sounds like. Cause she knows the cop.

[Megan (Guest from Canada)]

Thank you for checking me on that, Monica. I actually do quite appreciate that everybody's trying their best. So I go out, I start talking to the cops. Oh, do you wanna give a statement, my dumbass?

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

I'm like, of course.

[Megan (Guest from Canada)]

It's all my fault. I'm so sorry I hit this child. They're like, are you wearing your corrective lenses? I'm like, I'm wearing contacts. But I probably out by now. So I guess my partner had called my good friend. The friend's house that I had dropped my dog off happens to be a criminal defense lawyer. Happens to be out for a walk with her dog. So she, out of the corner of my eye, just see her roll up, sweats on sweats, walking her little standard poodle. She's like, I will deal with the cops. It's going to be okay. What did you say? I said, well obviously I told them it was all my fault. And she's like, why did you do that? But also like not wanting to make me feel stressed out. So she's just like so calm, cool. She's like, let me talk to the cops. It's not your fault. The biker was on the sidewalk. I wasn't even really thinking about getting a ticket at this time. I was really just thinking if the kid was okay and then my job, then I'm like, I could get a ticket now. I just got out of school, I'm a brand new teacher.

[Monica Padman]

You're also very Canadian because you haven't once said sue. Which is what I would be worried about actually.

[Megan (Guest from Canada)]

So later I find out that the mom said, why'd you call the cops? So I guess at the time when my friend had gone out to speak to the cops, my new boss had come out and been like, kind of wrap this up. She has 266 year olds to greet. And thankfully the cop threw me a bone at this point and was like, it's going to be a little bit longer. You might want to get someone to cover for her. Let alone, I'm like crying in the front seat of my smashed in windshield car. Then the union president shows up.

[Dax Shepard]

Aye yai yai.

[Megan (Guest from Canada)]

She takes me into the office. My friend's like, leave it with me, leave your car with me. At this point it's pulled onto the sidewalk, kids are showing up, I'm like, just kind of cowering, Walking next to the union president into the office, I'm like, am I going to get fired? What's going to happen? She's like, I'm not entirely sure, but I don't think so. Let me just make a couple calls. She makes a call, she's like, you're not going to get fired. It's okay, we're all good. And then at this point it was first nutrition break, so it was kind of time for me to go back. I'm just going to compartmentalize this and shove it right down and I'm just going to bring the hype and just go greet all Those sweet precious 6 year olds and fake that I have seasonal allergies and hope they don't recognize I was just bawling. My eyes out for an hour and get on with my day.

[Dax Shepard]

What I'm now realizing is where the elementary is is, I guess, really close to the high school. Because you're teaching at elementary, yet you hit a high schooler. It would have been great if you were teaching high school and he was in your class, first row.

[Megan (Guest from Canada)]

That would have been a crazy turn of events.

[Dax Shepard]

Six years old, that's kindergarten.

[Megan (Guest from Canada)]

It was grade one six to like seven. I taught a split grade.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. They don't know what the hell's going on.

[Megan (Guest from Canada)]

No, but everyone else did. Because as I'm like bawling my eyes out next to my car that shattered, first the staff's rolling in and then the parents are rolling in of this new school and they're like, why is this person bawling next to a smashed in car? What made it worse is that the bike was chained up to the side of the school. They didn't clean up the bike for a while. So every day when I would walk to school, I'd like look to my left and just see that nightmare reminding me of what happened.

[Dax Shepard]

But you hit the ground running. And are you still teaching at the same school?

[Megan (Guest from Canada)]

I'm still teaching at the same school and my lawyer friend dropped me of all charges, so I just had to pay for the damage to the car because he was on the sidewalk. So it all worked out okay.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, lovely.

[Megan (Guest from Canada)]

He was wearing a helmet. He wasn't hurt. The mom wasn't mad. I didn't lose my job. I pulled my socks up and finished the day of work. I can listen to Chapel Rowan again. It's been a bit, but she's back on my playlist.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm having flashbacks of pulling out a 711 in Santa Monica and an old woman rode her bike on the sidewalk into the side of a car I was driving and I panicked because she was so old. I was really afraid when she crashed. And then I drove her home and I gave her $100.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, no.

[Dax Shepard]

And then I stole a front wheel from another bike and put it on her bike in the middle of the night. Wasn't that a weird decision? I didn't have any money to give her other than that.

[Megan (Guest from Canada)]

That probably meant a lot to her.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, Megan, I'm so glad you made it through that harrowing start and that you're still at it.

[Megan (Guest from Canada)]

It was crazy.

[Dax Shepard]

So good to meet you.

[Monica Padman]

Bye. Dax, do you think the woman that ran into you is alive still?

[Dax Shepard]

No, that was 27 years ago. And she was probably 70. And I stole, which is not good, but I did.

[Monica Padman]

I know.

[Dax Shepard]

Throwing bad money after good, whatever the she was.

[Monica Padman]

Why did you give her $100?

[Dax Shepard]

That's what I had. I didn't know what to do. I felt bad.

[Monica Padman]

Then you're kind of assuming culpability, but you didn't do anything. She was old and ran into you.

[Dax Shepard]

When you see an old woman crash her bike and you're involved, you're just scared you're gonna get sued. And also, she's old. I'd way rather clobber a teenage boy on the road. No.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

Even if he was in a collared shirt.

[Monica Padman]

Moral dilemma, because that guy has so much more life to live.

[Dax Shepard]

Boy shouldn't wear collared shirts at school. Yes, he should. No, the mom should protect the boy and say, honey, why don't you wear a T shirt?

[Monica Padman]

No, Dax, we don't know. Maybe he was a stud. Maybe he had a lot of girlfriends. Maybe all the girls loved his collar shirt and his sweet personality and smashing.

[Dax Shepard]

His bike in the things.

[Monica Padman]

I would. I'd be like, oh, my God, my boyfriend got hit by a car. I got to skip first period and help.

[Dax Shepard]

Don't let your sweet boys wear tucked in collared shirts to high school. It's too hard.

[Monica Padman]

No, if they want to, you got to let them.

[Dax Shepard]

They owe their whole life to wear collared shirts. Just don't do it.

[Monica Padman]

At high school, they got to express themselves.

[Dax Shepard]

Hi, Katie. Are you laying down on a blanket?

[Katie (Guest from Michigan)]

I am not. I'm in a closet in, like a blanket for it.

[Dax Shepard]

In a blanket cocoon.

[Monica Padman]

It looks cozy.

[Katie (Guest from Michigan)]

It really is.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, so, Katie, where are you?

[Katie (Guest from Michigan)]

I am in the Upper Peninsula, actually.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, in Marquette.

[Katie (Guest from Michigan)]

Yeah, Marquette area.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, so you have a first day of school story?

[Katie (Guest from Michigan)]

Yes, I'm from near Traverse City. So this is where that takes place. Small school. This takes place my first day of freshman year. So just a preface for this. My best friend Mallory, she's involved in this story and she lives in Lansing. She happened to be up this weekend, so I got to fact check the story. So we make it through basically the whole day. It's last hour. We're in art class. Class was about to start, and I look at her and I'm like, you know what, man? I'm not feeling great. Uh, oh, something's going on. And I was like, you know what? I need to go to the bathroom.

[Dax Shepard]

So you and Mallory are close? Cause you're telling her, hey, I've gotta shit my.

[Katie (Guest from Michigan)]

We're very close. My boyfriend actually just said last week, you Talk about Mallory like she's your knight in shining armor.

[Monica Padman]

Aww. Because she is.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Sorry, boyfriend.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Katie (Guest from Michigan)]

And this story is just a prime example of that. So we take off. The bathroom's, like, not far away. And because it's between classes, for whatever reason, our entire high school choir is standing directly outside of the women's bathroom. And Mallory's a pretty aggressive woman. And so she just kind of starts football, like, roughing her way in through the crowd. Like, she's pushing people out of the way. In the meantime, though, I put my hands over my mouth and I just start spewing. Like, I just start throwing up everywhere.

[Dax Shepard]

Interesting. So this wasn't Pooty related. This was throw up. Okay, but still probably cafeteria related.

[Katie (Guest from Michigan)]

I always ate cold lunch, so I have no idea. We don't know what happened. I was fine all day until this moment.

[Monica Padman]

Weird.

[Katie (Guest from Michigan)]

So I just start spraying all over everyone. It gets all over the choir. It gets all over the floor. And at this moment, Mallory reaches back to grab me. She's made a hole, and she doesn't realize that I've thrown up all over her back already.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, Mallory.

[Katie (Guest from Michigan)]

So as she turns to grab me, I throw up again. Directly on her arm, in her hair, all over her sweater. And she's like, whatever. Still charging through.

[Dax Shepard]

Now, Katie, I don't want to get critical, but are you making any effort to aim it at the floor? It sounds like you're almost intentionally projectiling it forward as opposed to just covering your shoes.

[Katie (Guest from Michigan)]

I was just projectiling forward.

[Monica Padman]

You just weren't in the right mind. You were sick.

[Katie (Guest from Michigan)]

Yeah, and I think I was just so focused on get to the toilet, and it just was already too late. Okay, we do make it in there. I've been told I'm a very violent vomiter, and so I continue to just exorcist style projectile all over the bathroom. Like, I don't think I made any in the toilet.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, boy. You just painted the place.

[Monica Padman]

And the choir, don't forget.

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[Monica Padman]

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[Monica Padman]

So true. Why does it feel so good when someone gives you an outfit compliment and then you drop that you paid less than they think? It's just really satisfying.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

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[Monica Padman]

Nice. So if you've been sleeping on JCPenney, wake up and check it out. They've got fashion worth bragging about.

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[Dax Shepard]

I love the citrus.

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[Dax Shepard]

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[Dax Shepard]

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[Katie (Guest from Michigan)]

My mom asked me. She's like, did Mallory throw up? She's a ride or die. She didn't. She was wearing a dress. She took her sweater off and just threw it away. The only thing she was mad about is I had borrowed a scarf from her that morning to wear for the first day of school, and she did not want me to have it. Like, she was like, do not borrow this. I did anyways. And then we threw it away because it was so covered.

[Dax Shepard]

This is the second story that involves really nice people taking it on the chin. Of course, there's the choir that got covered in vomit of all the kids. You know, they're huddled together. They were huddled together for safety, and.

[Katie (Guest from Michigan)]

I just attacked them violently.

[Monica Padman]

Really? You guys are saying choir as if it's like church choir. It's the chorus.

[Katie (Guest from Michigan)]

Chorus kids are cool.

[Dax Shepard]

So we're both from Michigan. I don't know what was happening in Georgia, but rest assured, the choir kids were not the cool kids in Michigan they deserved to be. Cause they were talented and emotional and we love them. But they were huddled together for safety.

[Monica Padman]

Yes.

[Katie (Guest from Michigan)]

And I feel like at our school, if anything, the band was the cooler thing to do.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, wow. Interesting.

[Dax Shepard]

Which should tell you where the choir ranks. If the band is cooler now, I wonder if one of our callers later will be, I was in choir. I was huddled for my safety, and someone violently threw up on me. We could hear the other side of the story.

[Megan (Guest from Canada)]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

But then it's like Katy Perry, so it's fine.

[Dax Shepard]

Could be Katy Perry.

[Monica Padman]

It worked out.

[Katie (Guest from Michigan)]

If they do know that, it's me. Shout out to you guys, I'm so sorry that happened. I didn't mean to ruin your day.

[Dax Shepard]

It also sounds like it happened to the perfect person, because you don't seem easily embarrassed. You rolled with this just fine.

[Katie (Guest from Michigan)]

It did not affect me long term. I ended up being class clown. And when I asked why, everyone was like, well, you're just kind of weird and awkward and it's funny and you're.

[Monica Padman]

Puking, and I would have had to move schools. I would not have been able to handle that. So I really commend you. Remember, I mean, there was always someone in, like, the lunchroom who would throw up, and then they would throw up. Girl, for, like, the whole K through.

[Dax Shepard]

12, I'm being brought back to that high school party where the gal threw up and then had diarrhea. Everyone was like, what happened? I was at a party where this happened to a young lady.

[Monica Padman]

Oh.

[Dax Shepard]

And the whole house smelled.

[Monica Padman]

Oh.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, it was crazy. It was like the whole party shut. I was like, what is going. Then it was like so and so just booted and then fucking harnessed all over the floor. And her boyfriend's in there cleaning. And this is in 12th grade. That's rough.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, that's so sad. Were you mean about it?

[Dax Shepard]

No, my heart went out to her. I was extra nice to her forever. Yeah, she had eaten a ton of rice, I remember.

[Monica Padman]

Ew. Don't say that.

[Dax Shepard]

That's the facts of the situation.

[Monica Padman]

Stop it. Rice is very like.

[Dax Shepard]

I've seen it at its full absorption of having been in the stomach for a while.

[Monica Padman]

Ew.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, it's a delight to meet you. You took this episode in stride.

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

Yes, I did.

[Katie (Guest from Michigan)]

Thank you guys. It was so great to see you.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, right back at you.

[Katie (Guest from Michigan)]

Have a good rest of your day.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, you too. Take care.

[Monica Padman]

Thanks.

[Katie (Guest from Michigan)]

Bye.

[Monica Padman]

Do you think anyone will throw up in their car after hearing that story?

[Dax Shepard]

No, because she didn't describe any of the stuff that was in the throw up, which is helpful.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, but you did.

[Dax Shepard]

She stopped just short of just looking up at the sky and throwing up all over her own face. I mean, the fact that it was so outward, I would have been screaming like, fuck it, puke on the ground.

[Monica Padman]

See, you act like you're so nice to these pukers, but you be screaming.

[Dax Shepard]

In the post mortem. I'd be really kind. But while it's happening, I would want them to handle their shit the best way possible, which would be stop spraying everyone's back.

[Monica Padman]

But you have to be careful because you don't want to open your mouth to talk because you could get puked.

[Dax Shepard]

I'd be on the side shouting from the locker. Leave the choir kids alone.

[Sponsor Voice]

They're fucking already getting picked on.

[Monica Padman]

Why are they getting picked on? They have Voices of Angels.

[Dax Shepard]

They don't. You're picturing Glee.

[Monica Padman]

No, my chorus was really good.

[Dax Shepard]

But Monica, you would agree that in some small towns the football team isn't great, right? Like, some guys are not college bound athletes. They need something to do after school.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, I just don't know. I'd have to hear them.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

Hello.

[Dax Shepard]

I see baby clothes. Do you have a little baby in the house?

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

Twins.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, fine. Identical or fraternal?

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

They're fraternal. A boy and A girl.

[Dax Shepard]

And how old are the twins?

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

They are two and a half.

[Monica Padman]

You're gonna enjoy an upcoming episode.

[Dax Shepard]

We have a twins episode coming.

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

Oh, great. I probably could have submitted a story for that.

[Dax Shepard]

You want a fake name, which is encouraging. What fake name would you like?

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

I would love you all to choose my fake name.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, you ready for this? Fiona.

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

I like it.

[Dax Shepard]

That's a big name, Fiona to take on.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, but it's accurate.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, you've got a vibe. Okay, Fiona, please tell us your first day of school story.

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

Okay, so I had just started a new job, so a little bit of background information. This story takes place as a teacher. So this story took place two years ago, and I had previously taught band for about eight years. So I was going into my ninth year of teaching, but I had only had my twins about six months ago. I'm a new parent, so this new job was only five minutes away from my house. It was going to be a lot more family friendly. The district is very well regarded. Dax, you'd love to hear that. I'm from northwest Ohio.

[Sponsor Voice]

Wonderful.

[Dax Shepard]

Let me picture that in my head. Northwest Ohio, Okay. By Pennsylvania. No, no, no. By Toledo.

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

Yeah. Very close to Michigan. So I was going to no longer be teaching band, but I was going to be teaching choir and drama, and I had never taught these subjects before.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, Fiona, you just wandered perfectly into a sim moment, which was the previous call was about a young gal who threw up all over the choir kids that were huddled out in front of the bathroom. And I said, couldn't you have picked a different group of kids? The choir kids were already. They had their hands full. They were probably huddled together for safety. And so Monica thinks choir kids are super cool. And maybe they were in Georgia, but I'm trying to tell her, you're on a rough path if you're in choir in Michigan.

[Monica Padman]

We just need you to tell us what's the strata at your school.

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

Band is the cool thing. Choir is kind of the nerdy thing.

[Monica Padman]

This is.

[Dax Shepard]

There we go.

[Monica Padman]

To me, Rob.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

Yeah, it's the same. Band wasn't really that cool either, though.

[Monica Padman]

No offense, but band was really not cool at my school. Choir was. Excuse me. Chorus was cool and theater was cool because I was in it.

[Dax Shepard]

None of those three things were really that popular pursuits in Michigan and I'm guessing in northern Ohio. All to say, these are the sweetest people.

[Monica Padman]

Did you have orchestra?

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

We do not have an orchestra program in my district.

[Dax Shepard]

We're not rich like you, Monica. We're like normal people.

[Monica Padman]

You guys aren't 7A? That's why.

[Dax Shepard]

No, no, we're not. We're not. Okay. So I was just curious. Yes. I always wanted to protect the band kids and the choir kids. They seem like they needed some looking out for.

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

I'm going into this new position. I don't know my coworkers, I don't know my students. I really don't feel like I know my content area. I actually gotten hired over the phone over the summer about the month before school started. So I was just feeling very nervous about the balance of work and home. So I go into my first teacher work day. Everything goes well. I'm starting to get over my nerves. The first day of school rolls around, everything's going fine for first, second, third period, and fourth period comes around. And to give you a little bit of information, my classroom is the performing arts room. So that includes. I have to share it with band, choir, and drama.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, wow.

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

So there are constantly students in this room. And because we are using instruments for the band side, it's double doors. And the doors swing open and shut. You don't manually close them. They close by themselves. At the bottom of the door is what is called the boot security system. This is in place in case there is an active threat. And Rob has shared the photo with you. It's this horizontal bar. And as you can see, there are holes drilled into the ground. And you put a vertical piece of metal in. And if you can't evacuate during an active threat, this is how you barricade your classroom door.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. This is mind blowing looking at a photo of it. Yeah. And it looks kind of, if you can picture vault doors having these two cylinders that go into holes. I can't believe that that's standard equipment at this point.

[Monica Padman]

Makes me so sad.

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

It's insane that we have to go through this. And it's not just our district. This is fairly standard for at least my area.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow, wow, wow.

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

So that's how my classroom looks. And I'm start my first performing theater drama class of the day. And this is what I felt most insecure about. So I thought, we're having short classes today. It's the first day of school. Let's do a theater game. So I decided to go with who started the motion. The students circle up in the classroom, and one student leaves the classroom. A student in the circle is the leader, and they are pantomiming a motion. It could be snapping, clapping, stomping, waving their hands as crazy as they want it to be. And all of the students have to adapt and look at the leader without really looking at the leader. So the leader is constantly changing the motion every 10 to 15 seconds. Then the student who's out in the hallway comes back in, and they have to try to guess who in the circle is making these motions. Who's the leader?

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, fun.

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

I thought it would be a really good icebreaker because not all of these students know each other either. We're in a pretty big district. First couple rounds go really well. I go out in the hallway to get the student who is out there, and as I'm coming back in, I'm holding the door open for the student, since it closes automatically. And I'm coming in the room behind the student, and the door slams onto the back of my ankle.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh. Oh, boy.

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

And that piece of horizontal metal is sticking out of the door about two inches, because you need room for the vertical piece to go in. I get pain, but I've been teaching for several years. I know you don't show the students if you're in pain. You just keep moving on. I'm not, like, swearing or anything, because.

[Dax Shepard]

They'Ll smell the weakness and attack.

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

Exactly. Yes. I want to look strong on my first day.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Okay.

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

This horizontal bar hits my foot, and it hurts, and then it goes numb. I look down. I don't see anything. So I just kind of, like, limp to my chair and watch the game continue. My ankle is still numb, and so I look down, and I see a chunk of my ankle gone.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh. Oh, wow. A chunk.

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

But there's no blood.

[Dax Shepard]

Is it white? You gouge down so deep, it's just white.

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Megan (Guest from Canada)]

Yeah.

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

So I hobble to my office. I have an office inside my classroom. And I call down to the school nurse, and again, these are new co workers to me as well as the students. I'm new in this place. So I call down, and I say, the door has hit my foot. Would you mind coming down and taking a look at it? And the school nurse goes, oh, no, I'll be right down.

[Dax Shepard]

Like, she's already been down this before.

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

She comes down with some steri strips and some band aids, and it started bleeding at this point, and she starts putting the steri strips my cut, and the chunk of my ankle is a horizontal cut, so same as the bar.

[Monica Padman]

Ew. Oh, God.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, now we're looking at a photo.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, that looks like. Looks horrible.

[Dax Shepard]

I kind of love it. It's so dark.

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

So she starts putting the steri strips on horizontally, and there's so much blood. They're just like falling off.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. She's trying to put a band aid.

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

On a river pretty much. She says, yes. This has happened before. Not to this degree, but students have gotten hit with this. The other teachers have gotten hit with this. It's like common knowledge, except I hadn't worked there very long, so I didn't know this information to be careful when you're closing the door. So she says, you might want to get stitches. You might have to leave. And this is like halfway through the day. So she calls my principal down and I didn't have any sub plans ready. It's my first day. I'm not expecting to be out. He comes down and he's like, I'll get a sub. We'll get it all taken care of. Do you want to call an ambulance? And I'm like, no way. I'm not having these kids see me take an ambulance and I'm not paying for an ambulance.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

Yeah, yeah.

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

I live five minutes away from here. My husband's working from home. I'll just call him and he can take me to the emergency room.

[Sponsor Voice]

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[Dax Shepard]

Smallwood Home.com turns your favorite photos into gallery quality framed prints or wrapped canvases. All handcrafted in the usa, shipped in days and priced to make your whole home smile. Rob just got me the most gorgeous small wood framed photo of my Papa Bob which is now hanging in the Nashville studio and it turned out absolutely gorgeous. How many amazing pictures do you have just sitting on your phone wasting facing away into the cloud? Take those memories and put them on display in the real world. Having something on the wall that's personal and not just a designy print you picked up at the store can make a space feel truly yours and we love that. Small Wood Home is a small business that takes their time to craft every single piece right here in the US. No assembly lines or robots involved. Join the over 3 million happy customers who have made their house into a home with small wood home right now. Get 30% off when you use code [e-mail] that's promo code DAX to get 30% off your first order at smallwoodhome.com Give your memories the showcase they deserve.

[Sponsor Voice]

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[Dax Shepard]

A romantic summer getaway escape with Rich.

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[Dax Shepard]

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[Dax Shepard]

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[Monica Padman]

This sounds up my alley. This sounds like a great summer. Listen. She needs to fit in. And she's falling in love. And it's a hot boy.

[Dax Shepard]

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[Monica Padman]

Oh, this is exciting.

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[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

So he takes me to the emergency room and I end up having to get seven stitches in a photo.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Isn't it wild that often when they fix it, it looks way worse than when it's broken.

[Katie (Guest from Michigan)]

Yeah, it does.

[Dax Shepard]

It looks like they took your heel to war.

[Monica Padman]

Geez.

[Dax Shepard]

But you didn't get the attendant. Luckily. Yeah. You must have been on the verge of that.

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

Yes. They ended up doing an X ray just to make sure there was no internal damage, which there was not, thankfully. So they just did the Stitch. And I had to keep it wrapped with ointment. And I had the stitches in for over two weeks.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

And what kind of shoe wear were you limited to? And sock wear?

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

Could not wear socks. I could not wear anything but sandals for the first two months that I.

[Dax Shepard]

Worked in this district.

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

I'm in Ohio, so it gets cold end of September.

[Monica Padman]

Sandals also sort of designates weakness.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, you'll get a reputation. Like, you'll be known as that. You know, that teacher that wears sandals.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, it's very specific.

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

For sure. I did not want to be known. I had gotten a pair of Rothy's brand new.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, yeah. Great shoe.

[Dax Shepard]

Great. Really nice silhouettes. And are you still at that school?

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

I am still at that school. Like I said, I had the stitches for two weeks. And if you think about the way your Achilles moves, every time I took a step, the stitches were pulling, which is why I had to have them in for so long.

[Dax Shepard]

Did you ever clip your foot on that thing again? My hunch is you might have.

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

I had to go back to school the next day because I didn't have any sick time accumulated yet. So I was just kind of hobbling around. And then the following week, when I came into my classroom in the morning, the custodial team was putting on brand new doors that are slow, close.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, and that's gonna solve it?

[Monica Padman]

Hopefully that'll help.

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

We have not had an incident since then.

[Dax Shepard]

This is one of those situations where it's like, you prepare for an active shooter, which I don't know what the odds of that are. But then in the meantime, like, 20 people cut through and kill each other.

[Monica Padman]

They have to amputate, like, 10 legs.

[Dax Shepard]

I don't know. There's some cost benefit analysis that someone will do one day.

[Monica Padman]

They should also try to put, like, some cap on the end of the thing, so even if it hits you, it's not gonna cut you like that.

[Dax Shepard]

You can imagine this thing just getting bigger and bigger. Right, Monica? Or it's just covered in Nerf football, and then it doesn't function anymore.

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

The whole door is like padding.

[Dax Shepard]

Then everyone decides it's save her without a door entirely. And. And the switch from band to choir, has it been lovely?

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

It's been really great. I've taken a lot of advice from other choir directors, had them come into my classroom. So I really like the job. I'm still at that district, and I occasionally have students that will come up to me and say, I read a story about your foot. Can you tell us about that and I'll show them the pictures and everything.

[Monica Padman]

Aw, that's so cute. Do you have a scar?

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

I do have quite a bit of a scar and actually I can't set my heel down like on a table. If I put my feet up, I have to cross my legs so that my left foot is down and my right injured foot is still on top of it.

[Dax Shepard]

That makes sense.

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

Thank you so much for having me. I've been a day one listener. My former commute was an hour long and so I listened to you. And if I can tell you something embarrassing, you used to talk about how you as a kid would listen to David Letterman and pretend to be interviewed by him. And I used to do that on my car ride and think, what would Dax and Monica interview me about?

[Monica Padman]

Oh, that's so sweet.

[Dax Shepard]

I love that.

[Monica Padman]

I love that too.

[Fiona (Guest from Ohio)]

So I'm so thrilled to be here. So thank you so much.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, our pleasure. Take care. Have a great rest of your summer.

[Monica Padman]

That injury reminded me that a couple days ago I was getting in my car with a big purse and I slammed my pinky finger into the door of the car so much I had to open the door to get it out.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, yes.

[Monica Padman]

And I was like, oh my God, this is something four year olds do.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm still dealing with that broken fingernail from when I did it as a kid. Not to trump your story, but how are you recovering?

[Monica Padman]

Pretty good. It's sore, but it didn't do much damage. But it was just so weird to have my finger up there and in pain.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, is that the top of your door? Yeah, that's probably preferred. There's more give up there.

[Monica Padman]

Okay, well, stop minimizing my pain.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, sorry. I can't believe you survived this. I'm just having gratitude that your finger's still on your hand. Although I'd love to remove it if it was infected. Would you trust me to remove one of your fingers if it was infected?

[Monica Padman]

No.

[Dax Shepard]

No. Okay.

[Monica Padman]

I would trust you to put like some ointment on it.

[Dax Shepard]

I just bought a dremel here. Cordless dremel. I think I could take it off pretty quick if it was to save your life. If it was gangrenous and I couldn't.

[Monica Padman]

Make it to the hospital.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

Post apocalyptic world, maybe.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah. This is your at the house. It's post apocalyptic. Your fingers gangrenous and then needs to be removed.

[Monica Padman]

That or I'm dead then. Yeah, I'll let you.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Thanks for the vote of confidence. How do you say gangrenous it had gangrene. Gangrene. It was gangrenous, Adam. We were just trying to figure out. You say gangrene, but if you wanted to say someone's finger had gone gangrenous or gangrenous, what do you think it is?

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

Gangrenous.

[Dax Shepard]

I guess we like that, right? Sounds good. His toe went gangrenous.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

If that is ever a prompt, I have a story about that too.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, sure.

[Dax Shepard]

About gangrene.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

Kind of. Yeah. I worked at a bank and we had a customer who had a rotten leg.

[Megan (Guest from Canada)]

Oh.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

They would walk into the bank and. Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Stink up the whole place.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

It was terrible.

[Dax Shepard]

Did you hear the Armchair Anonymous with the waitress up in Canada? And the guy's leg was fucking dead.

[Monica Padman]

It was leaking.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

Yeah, that's exactly what happened.

[Monica Padman]

The other girl who was a EMT member. And then the leg was Jell O.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, it was like falling off.

[Monica Padman]

Ah.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

Great start.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, Adam, where are you?

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

I'm in Knoxville.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. You're right down the road from me.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

So you're in Nashville right now?

[Dax Shepard]

Yes, sir. Staring at Old Hickory out the window.

[Monica Padman]

You look familiar, though. How old are you?

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

I am 36.

[Monica Padman]

I wonder if we went to the same elementary school when I lived in Tennessee.

[Dax Shepard]

You were in Memphis, weren't you, love?

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

Opposite sides of the screen.

[Monica Padman]

Okay, but, like, I don't know the history of Adam. He could have been in Memphis.

[Dax Shepard]

What if you said, I don't know the history of Knoxville? Maybe it was next to Memphis before.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

We just migrated east.

[Monica Padman]

I'm not good at geography, so that is something I would say. Okay. You just have a familiar face.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

I get that a lot, though. I get sent pictures of, like, hey, this guy looks like you. And my name is kind of familiar, too, because my middle name is Grant, so I am Adam Grant.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, you should be a CIA spy. You look like everyone.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

I just blend in, which is what I wanted to do on the first day of school, was blend in.

[Monica Padman]

Okay, let's hear it.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

So this is the first day of high school, but to set this up, I have to set up my eighth grade year. I was a very small kid. I did not hit 100 pounds until I hit high school. And I was a gymnast all throughout middle school.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow. So you had great biceps and stuff.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

As much as like a 13 year old can.

[Dax Shepard]

I did my TV brother, Adam Braverman, Peter Krause, he was a gymnast in junior high, and he had photos of himself on set, and he was jacked.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

I wasn't that jacked.

[Dax Shepard]

But okay, just send me some pics and I'll evaluate your fitness.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

I had got burnout being a gymnast. I competed nationally national champion tumbling and trampoline, which was again, another story.

[Monica Padman]

Trampoline stories. That's a good one. Let's put that on the list.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

That is a good one. But I got burnt out. And then I could do flips and stuff, of course. And so the cheerleading team recruited me.

[Monica Padman]

Hundred percent.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

I was just there to flip down the field. But that is not what an 8th grade boy in small town Tennessee.

[Monica Padman]

Sorry, Was it the school squad or like an all star squad?

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

It was a very small school. I had to get permission from the principal to be on the team because no boy had ever done it before.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay. So you were really. What do they call it? The revision trailblazer? The token. You're the token.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, token. Yeah.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

I was not blending in. And that's all that I wanted to do. So high school, new start. No one was supposed to know who I was. First day, I walk in and people come up to me and say, have you heard about Freshman Friday? And I'm thinking, only on TV and only in movies.

[Dax Shepard]

What is that?

[Monica Padman]

You don't know what Freshman Friday is, Dax?

[Dax Shepard]

No, this is a Southern thing. Tell me.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

It's where the upperclassmen terrorize the freshman.

[Monica Padman]

Class first Friday of the new year.

[Dax Shepard]

And you what can shove the kid?

[Monica Padman]

You can haze and shove and be horrible. Everyone's scared of freshman Friday.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

And what was being told to me was that I was going to be trashed, so I was going to be dumped in the trash can, basically. So I was absolutely terrified.

[Dax Shepard]

Did you consider calling mom and saying, I have diarrhea?

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

I should have. But I did not think of that. Instead, I tried to hide all day long. I was like, not spending time in the hallways. I was just zipping from class to class. Of course, none of my friends could drive at that point because we're 13, 14. I knew no upperclassmen. My sister had already graduated school, so she was gone. And so what I did on that first day was I basically jumped in the car of the first person's parents who came to pick them up. And I was like, you have to take me home.

[Dax Shepard]

Right? I'm about to get trashed.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

Yeah. So I escaped the first day, but this went on for the entire week of this guy named Michael who was after me. I had no idea what he looked like. I had no idea that he knew who I was.

[Monica Padman]

People would just come up to you and say, like, Michael's gonna trash you and get you.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

Yeah. His gang is after me. And I was just terrified.

[Monica Padman]

This is so mean. Ugh.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

The way my school is set up is the front door is where everything kind of is. It's where people congregate. It's where the cafeteria is. It's where the gym is. And after school, that's just where people are located. At the time, I was riding the bus after school, and you had to wait like 20 minutes for the buses to get there because this is a very small school system. And they start at the elementary school and they wound up at the high school. So Friday had come around. I'm thinking I had escaped this enough times that it's over with.

[Dax Shepard]

It's not. Michael has a iron trap memory.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

So I'm standing there after school in front of the cafeteria with everybody else in the school, talking to some of the friends that I had at the time. And I get picked up from behind and I get slowly walked over to probably the worst trash can in the whole school, which is the cafeteria trash can. I have no idea who is picking me up. I get hovered over the trash can. Little 100 pound me gets so nervous, I kick off the wall and we both go flying backwards.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay. You had a little fight in you.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. That's good. I'm glad you did that.

[Dax Shepard]

And that gymnast strength used my quads.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

And kicked us both back flat on the floor in front of everybody. School goes silent.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. This is not according to game plan. Mike's supposed to be a hero and a bully, and now he's humiliated.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

Now we're in big time danger. I don't know what I did or said next, but I know that I had a cousin who was the same age, normal size. He came in and said something to him and stood up for me and kind of saved the day. Michael never bothered me again.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, this cousin.

[Dax Shepard]

This is a fighting back to the bully story.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

And then I ended up graduating my senior year with most friendliest or friendliest, I guess, of my class. So full circle moment.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, I'm so proud of you that you refused. You said, I will not be subjugated by you, sir. What did Mike look like when you finally came to? Who was Mike?

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

He was a very tall, skinny kid. Found out he was not the one who picked me up because he probably couldn't. He had, like a toady pick me up. Who was this giant guy?

[Dax Shepard]

Mike delegated this responsibility. Mike, I guess so.

[Monica Padman]

Mike is embarrassing. Was he a senior?

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

He wasn't even a Senior. I think he may have been a junior, maybe a sophomore.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, but he was 19.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

Yeah, he looked it at.

[Monica Padman]

Oh my God. I love your cousin. That is so awesome.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Makes me think of Christmas story when his little brother's getting fucked with and he finally fights back, swears too much. You remember Monica?

[Monica Padman]

I haven't seen it.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God.

[Sponsor Voice]

Have you had him?

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

Every Christmas, 24 hours.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, it's standard. Crazy. Monica doesn't watch that.

[Monica Padman]

Well, I watch Home Alone. That's a happy story to end on.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

I will say though, that my. My two biggest high school bullies ended up passing away a few years after school. And it's such a weird feeling to have a bully and then to learn that about them. Not to make it about myself, but it puts you in a weird position.

[Dax Shepard]

I agree. You're happy at first. I've had this, right? Like this has happened a couple times. Well, one guy's in prison, another guy died. And at first I'm like, yeah, you get what you deserve. And then of course you're like, no, this is terrible. And they were probably very miserable, which is why they were a bully. It's not quite as satisfying as you want it to be. Well, we found a way to bring it down. We were like, oh, good, this one went out on a high note. But then we, we figured it out.

[Monica Padman]

We can end on. Your cousin's cool. How's your cousin?

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

Cousin's great. He's got kids, he's married, he's a stay at home dad.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh.

[Monica Padman]

Love them.

[Dax Shepard]

He's not a hard charger, FBI agent or anything?

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

No.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, Adam, it's a delight to meet you. I'm not shocked at all. You got friendliest.

[Monica Padman]

I love a superlative. I didn't get one and it haunts me. Like, I wanted one really bad.

[Dax Shepard]

You guys would have been best friends, right? Mani, you would have noticed how brave it was for him to join the cheer squad.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, I mean, yes, it is, but it's smart. Then you're around all these cute girls and you're grabbing them by the pee.

[Dax Shepard]

You're never grabbing them by the pussy. You're catching.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

You catch them? I did that once.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, sure, it's gonna happen.

[Monica Padman]

Sometimes you do have to grab them. If they're falling.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

You gotta save them. You gotta jump in and save the day.

[Monica Padman]

If one person hits the ground, the whole squad has to do push ups. Wow. Well, that was an uplifting story. I'm glad you told it. And I'm glad you didn't get trashed. That would have been so gross.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

It would have been terrible. In the cafeteria trash can where the food had been sitting there all day.

[Dax Shepard]

In front of everybody, I was already prepping myself. My hunch was he was going to end up in the trash can. I was going to be curious if after the fact, we think this is a good experience. And I'm being serious because your worst fear is you're going to get thrown in a trash can from all your peers. But then you do and you live. And then a few other nice boys come up and they're like, I hate that guy. There's some bonding. And then ultimately, in reflection, you might go, yeah, that's probably good that happened to me. But we didn't get to go there.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

No, I've stood up for myself and.

[Dax Shepard]

I fought back, which is even better. It's better.

[Monica Padman]

Before we leave, I do have a question for you. How do you feel about collared shirts for male high schoolers?

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

I have a picture from high school with two collared shirts on.

[Dax Shepard]

Double collared, double shirts.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

It was my yearbook picture polo with, with like a button up shirt underneath it.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, yeah, that was a look.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

2004, 2005.

[Monica Padman]

So you love it.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

Just like me in 2004, 2005. I loved it.

[Dax Shepard]

And you were both on cheer. That's relevant, I think. Let me ask you this. If you had a 17 year old boy and he put on a nice collared shirt in the morning, tucked it in, would you not go? Gary, you might want to play it a little looser at school.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

Yeah, just unbutton it, untuck it. Here's a T shirt.

[Dax Shepard]

Let's just get you in a concert tee.

[Monica Padman]

Everyone be who they are.

[Dax Shepard]

If you're a little businessman, be a businessman. All right, Adam, well, lovely meeting you. Take care, brother.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

Bye.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm both grateful I don't have a first day of school and jealous because it's so scary. But then also it's fun.

[Monica Padman]

It's so fun. Remember, were you able to get new school supplies?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, I would get that Trapper Keeper and some folders and some new pens. But when he was describing how the cafeteria in the entrance and the gym was all next to each other, I got this nostalgic feeling of standing at that crossroads.

[Monica Padman]

Me too. I have such nostalgia right now. I miss school.

[Dax Shepard]

There's a couple schools by the house in Nashville. And the whole summer, every time we drive by them, I tell the girls, that's where you're starting school next year, you know, and they're big schools.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

And I picture my girls having to start there in another state, knowing nobody and how big it is. And I just think about how scary that is every time I say that to them. How frightening that is.

[Sponsor Voice]

That would be.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. How big was your high school?

[Dax Shepard]

My high school was pretty big. I want to say. There was a thousand kids.

[Monica Padman]

All four.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

My school was a campus. It had multiple buildings.

[Dax Shepard]

How many students?

[Monica Padman]

When I entered freshman year, my class was a thousand people.

[Dax Shepard]

No, you had 4,000 kids at your house.

[Monica Padman]

But then a new school opened up a couple years in, and so people went over there. So I think my graduating class had like 500.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow. Mine had 3 or 400, so maybe we were 1200. But yeah, it was huge.

[Monica Padman]

It was huge. Hence 5A. Now 7A.

[Dax Shepard]

Do you guys have a swimming pool?

[Monica Padman]

No.

[Dax Shepard]

Love you. All right. Love you.

[Adam (Guest from Tennessee)]

Do you want to sing a tune.

[Dax Shepard]

Or something with a theme song? Oh, okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go. Go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of armchairs, we'll get.

[Sponsor Voice]

Some suggestions on the flyer.

[Dax Shepard]

Rhyme, dish. On the fire. Rhyme, dish. Enjoy. Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondry app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcast. You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry plus in the Wondry app or on Apple podcasts.

[Sponsor Voice]

Before you go, tell us about yourself.

[Dax Shepard]

By completing a short [e-mail] survey.

[Narrator for Reclaiming Promo]

Hi, I'm Monica Lewinsky. Welcome to reclaiming. I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours. Something you possess is lost or stolen and. And ultimately you triumph in finding it again. Miley Cyrus, welcome to reclaiming.

[Monica Padman]

My 2013 is your 1998. I lost everything during that time in my personal life because of the choices I was making professionally.

[Narrator for Reclaiming Promo]

Chelsea Handler, welcome to reclaiming.

[Monica Padman]

I did have a teacher who instilled in me that I was gonna do something special, and she was like, you're gonna have an impact.

[Narrator for Reclaiming Promo]

Sophia Bush, welcome to reclaiming.

[Monica Padman]

You went all the way. You committed, and if it wasn't for you, you have the courage to tell the truth and get out.

[Narrator for Reclaiming Promo]

And I had to say that to.

[Monica Padman]

Women in my life, and I had to learn how to say it in the mirror to myself.

[Narrator for Reclaiming Promo]

This last decade for me has really been what I consider my own reclaiming, my own journey, my own reclaiming story is in the bones of this show. Please listen to reclaiming on the wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.