Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Episode: Armchair Anonymous: First Day of School
Release Date: August 22, 2025

Episode Overview

This edition of Armchair Anonymous, hosted by Dax Shepard and Monica Padman, invites listeners to share their most memorable and wild first day of school stories. The theme is steeped in nostalgia, anxiety, excitement, and the universal human messiness that Dax loves to explore. What emerges is a collection of hilarious, horrifying, and ultimately uplifting anecdotes from teachers and students alike, as well as an ongoing, lighthearted debate about the social status of choir, band, and collared shirts in high school. The episode brims with empathy for those awkward moments and celebrates the resilience of forging ahead through embarrassment and disaster.

Key Discussion Points and Stories

First Day Jitters: Host Perspectives

• Nostalgia and Anxiety
  Dax and Monica set the tone with their own memories:
  • “So scary. So much excitement and possibility.” – Dax (00:35)
  • “It's a wispy time.” – Monica (00:33)
  • The two reminisce about those ritualistic first day feelings: nerves, hope, and potential reinvention at school’s start.

Story 1: Megan’s Nightmare First Day As a Teacher (Canada)

• Setting: Megan’s first day as a full-time teacher after landing her dream position straight out of college.
• Story Beats:
  • Eagerly documents her big morning, but running behind, she drives rather than walks the short journey.
  • While turning into her school’s lot—with a “hype up song” playing—she collides with a high schooler on a bike.
    • “All of a sudden literally something flies over my car. My windshield is shattered. I just see this body off of a bike fly over and is just on the ground.” (05:43)
  • The cyclist (helmeted and unharmed) ends up consoling a devastated Megan.
  • Police arrive (one is her friend), and so does the student's mother. Megan is convinced her career is over before it starts.
  • Her criminal defense lawyer friend steps in, calming her and helping with police.
  • The school union president assures Megan she won’t be fired.
  • Megan composes herself to face a room full of six-year-olds, hiding her tears as “seasonal allergies.”
  • The destroyed bike stays chained up at school for days—a reminder of her traumatic debut.
  • She ultimately pays for car damage (not at fault—the cyclist was on the sidewalk) and remains at her job.
• Notable Quotes:
  • “I went from Chapel Row into a dell. I went from ‘After Midnight’ to ‘Chasing Pavement.’” – Megan (05:51)
  • “Luckily at this time, a coworker was also walking to work, jealous of them. Guardian angel…so calm, was like, ‘It’s going to be okay.’” (06:40)
  • “This was supposed to be the first day of my career that I’ve dreamed about. And now I’ve hit a kid on a bike…” – Megan (07:18)
  • “I just had to pay for the damage to the car because he was on the sidewalk. So it all worked out okay.” (11:32)
• Timestamps:
  • Story Start: 02:47
  • Collision: 05:43
  • Resolution: 11:32

Story 2: Katie’s Freshman Vomit Catastrophe (Michigan)

• Setting: First day of freshman year, Traverse City, Michigan.
• Story Beats:
  • Katie feels ill in last hour, asks best friend Mallory to help her get to the bathroom.
  • The high school choir is standing in front of the girls' bathroom.
  • Katie projectile vomits—first on the choir kids, then all over Mallory’s back, arm, hair.
    • “In the meantime, though, I put my hands over my mouth and I just start spewing. Like, I just start throwing up everywhere.” (15:35)
    • “As she turns to grab me, I throw up again. Directly on her arm, in her hair, all over her sweater. And she's like, whatever. Still charging through.” (16:11)
  • Mallory helps her into the bathroom, sacrificing her outfit. The scarf Katie borrowed from Mallory is ruined.
  • The story underscores deep friendship—Mallory never gets mad, just chucks the contaminated sweater.
  • Katie earns a “class clown” reputation, unembarrassed by the incident.
• Notable Quotes:
  • “I was just projectiling forward.” – Katie (16:34)
  • “You just painted the place. And the choir, don’t forget.” – Dax & Monica (16:59)
  • “It did not affect me long term. I ended up being class clown... You're just kind of weird and awkward and it's funny and you're... puking.” – Katie (22:04)
• Timestamps:
  • Story Start: 14:10
  • Choir Catastrophe: 15:35
  • Aftermath/Reflection: 22:04

Ongoing Debate: Choir vs. Band vs. Theater Status

• Spirited discussion about which extracurriculars are “cool” at different schools and in different states.
  • Monica: “Chorus was cool and theater was cool because I was in it.” (26:46)
  • Dax: “None of those three things were really that popular pursuits in Michigan…” (27:01)
  • Fiona (from Ohio): “Band is the cool thing. Choir is kind of the nerdy thing.” (26:41)
• Timestamps:
  • Major debate: 26:10–27:27

Story 3: Fiona’s Boot Security Injury (Northwest Ohio)

• Setting: Teacher’s first day in a new district, responsible for choir and drama in a classroom with specialized active shooter security doors (“the boot” system).
• Story Beats:
  • Fiona runs a theater game; as she re-enters the classroom, the heavy security door slams onto her ankle.
    • “The door slams onto the back of my ankle... I see a chunk of my ankle gone. But there’s no blood.” (30:19)
  • The nurse tries to bandage it but there's “so much blood.”
  • Advised to get stitches, Fiona refuses an ambulance and calls her husband for a ride to the ER.
  • Receives seven stitches; must wear sandals for two months.
    • “Every time I took a step, the stitches were pulling...” (37:27)
  • The school installs new, slow-closing doors soon after.
• Notable Quotes:
  • “I look down and I see a chunk of my ankle gone.” – Fiona (31:03)
  • “I wanted to look strong on my first day.” – Fiona (30:40)
  • “This is one of those situations where it’s like, you prepare for an active shooter… but then in the meantime, twenty people cut through and kill each other.” – Dax (38:36)
• Timestamps:
  • Story Start: 25:23
  • Injury Details: 30:19
  • Aftermath: 37:23–39:41

Story 4: Adam’s Freshman Friday & Gymnast Strength (Knoxville, Tennessee)

• Setting: Adam, a former gymnast and reluctant male cheerleader in middle school, dreads “Freshman Friday” (a hazing ritual) on his first day of high school.
• Story Beats:
  • Despite wanting to “blend in,” Adam is targeted by upperclassmen for a trash-can dunk.
    • “What was being told to me was that I was going to be trashed, so I was going to be dumped in the trash can, basically. So I was absolutely terrified.” (45:36)
  • He tries to avoid public areas and rides home with any friend’s parent to escape.
  • On Friday, he's finally snatched by a senior's “toady” and hoisted toward a rancid cafeteria trash can in front of everyone.
  • Using gymnast reflexes, Adam kicks off the wall and upends both himself and the attacker, causing public shock and ending the ordeal.
    • “Little 100 pound me gets so nervous, I kick off the wall and we both go flying backwards.” (47:46)
  • His cousin then intervenes to de-escalate, and Adam is never targeted again—later winning “Friendliest” superlative senior year.
• Notable Quotes:
  • “You have to take me home. I'm about to get trashed.” – Adam (46:24)
  • “Michael has an iron trap memory.” – Dax (47:18)
  • “I will not be subjugated by you, sir.” – Dax (48:44)
• Timestamps:
  • Story Start: 43:44
  • Trash Can Standoff: 47:46
  • Reflection/Superlatives: 50:27

Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• Dax on First Day Anxiety:
  “I'm both grateful I don't have a first day of school and jealous because it's so scary. But then also it's fun.” (52:50)
• On Resilience After Disaster:
  “I pulled my socks up and finished the day of work. I can listen to Chapel Rowan again. It's been a bit, but she's back on my playlist.” – Megan (11:41)
• On Deep Friendship:
  “Mallory’s a pretty aggressive woman… she just starts football, like, roughing her way in through the crowd… I had borrowed a scarf from her… we threw it away because it was so covered.” – Katie (16:11, 20:52)
• On High School Social Hierarchies:
  “Band is the cool thing. Choir is kind of the nerdy thing.” – Fiona (26:41)
• On Overcoming Hazing:
  “I stood up for myself and I fought back, which is even better.” – Adam (51:53)
• On Teachers’ Tough First Days:
  “I'm just going to compartmentalize this and shove it right down… and fake that I have seasonal allergies and hope they don't recognize I was just bawling my eyes out for an hour.” – Megan (10:36)

Other Running Themes & Moments

• Collared Shirt Banter: Dax and Monica hilariously debate the prudence of high school boys wearing collared shirts, with listeners chiming in on their adolescent fashion choices (throughout, see esp. 13:16, 52:03).
• Hosts’ Reflections and Empathy:
  Both hosts repeatedly highlight their empathy for the guests, reveling in their resilience and relating stories from their own school days and “painful beginnings.”
• Nostalgia for School Rituals:
  Monica and Dax miss buying new school supplies and the feeling of reinvention (53:01–53:41).

Timestamps for Major Segments

• Megan’s story (Canada): 02:47–12:21
• Katie’s story (Michigan): 14:10–22:29
• Choir/Band debate: 26:10–27:27
• Fiona’s story (Ohio): 25:23–39:41
• Adam’s story (Tennessee): 43:44–52:41
• Reflective wrap-up & nostalgia: 52:50–54:27

Tone and Language

The episode is warm, candid, and shot through with the hosts' signature irreverence and honesty about human misadventure. Humor and humility are ever-present—none of the stories are played for cruelty, and there’s consistent encouragement for guests to find light in even the most mortifying or painful experiences.

For listeners who missed the episode:
Expect a series of incredible first day of school stories—filled with calamity, embarrassment, and resilience—interspersed with the hosts’ goofy banter, debates on band and choir coolness, and a running love for all things awkwardly human. Whether you’re nostalgic for school or still haunted by it, you’ll find kindred spirits in this episode.