Armchair Anonymous: Foreign Object in Butt III

Summary

Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

Episode: Armchair Anonymous: Foreign Object in Butt III

Date: June 26, 2026
Host: Dax Shepard, co-hosted by Monica Padman (“C”) and guests
Theme: Shocking, hilarious and often cringe-inducing real stories centered on the medical phenomenon of foreign objects inserted into butts (and other orifices). This is the third installment of the popular “Foreign Object” episode series, featuring calls from real first responders and medical professionals.

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Episode Overview

In this wickedly candid and sometimes squirm-inducing episode, Dax, Monica, and their co-hosts field anonymous calls from paramedics, nurses, and ER staff sharing firsthand (and secondhand) tales about the strange, wacky, and often unfortunate things people get stuck inside their bodies—most notably, their butts. What starts as a catalog of human curiosity, embarrassment, and anatomy quickly turns into a reflection on shame, aging, and the sometimes tragic, sometimes hilarious messiness of being human.

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Key Discussion Points and Guest Stories

1. Setting the Tone: Human Messiness & Ear Safety

• Dax and Monica open with warnings: “You're going to hear Monica scream a ton. Keep your volume…ear safety warning” (00:25).
• “I would probably not listen to this one with your children. There's some real sensitive stuff…” (00:33, C).

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2. Randy, the Retired Paramedic: The Super Soaker Incident

• Story (03:45–10:30):

  • Randy recalls a call concerning a “self-inflicted trauma involving a foreign object.” Arriving at the scene, he finds a 14-year-old boy in pain with a Super Soaker water gun (hose attachment) partially stuck in his rectum:
    • “He had what I would describe as a Super Soaker 1000 up his rectum.” (05:56, D)
    • The paramedics attempt an on-site removal, then ultimately need to transport the teen to the hospital, where he is sedated for removal.
  • The embarrassment and parental involvement are discussed candidly:
    • “You want some parental consent when you’re going to remove something from a minor anus?” (08:05, A)
    • “I told him...I was his age once. Experimentation is something that’s rather common.” (08:25, D)

• Notable Moment:

  • Dax marvels at the boy’s boldness—and horror:
    • “I just can't imagine the horror I would experience having to tell my mother that that water pistol she got me...oh my God.” (07:17, A)

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3. John, the Ohio ER Nurse: The Triple Bratwurst Saga

• Story (13:18–27:29):
  • John describes an older male patient who denied any insertion, even when evidence (clear plastic) showed otherwise.
  • A CT scan reveals “three bratwursts” (with casing), and later, a toothbrush holder, and a whole apple (with string!)—all found during separate hospital visits:
    • “So then those are three bratwurst.” (18:02, B)
    • “His final one...plastic holder that the toothbrush goes in…he ended up having a colostomy after that.” (23:14, B)
  • Discussion on male shame, the psychology behind denial, and failed strategies for object retrieval.
  • Memorable quote:
    • “I feel like it’s one of the more unique patients that can arrive at the hospitals because, like, they’re not gonna figure it out.” (16:18, A)
  • On repeated ER visits:
    • “That would be the part that would be hard for me to navigate in your job is like when you know it’s going to be repetitive.” (58:29, A)
• Humor & Insight:
  • Dax connects with the addict mentality:
    • “It’s my whole thing...oh, this one pill felt great. Of course, two will feel better...” (18:15, A)
  • Monica observes:
    • “Wives cannot go out of town!” (17:41, C)
  • The segment ends with John sharing a harrowing story: a woman who identified as a cat (a furry) inserting a kitten vaginally in an attempt to “birth kittens,” tragically resulting in fatal infection (27:30, B).

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4. Lucy, Pacific Northwest ER Nurse: The Banister Extraction

• Story (31:01–47:29):
  • Lucy recounts “George,” an 80-year-old widower with severe abdominal pain, who, after lost wife, inserted a large, unfinished wooden banister segment rectally.
  • The ER doctor goes “elbow deep” (funny and graphic description) to extract the object, encountering both the technical and emotional challenges of such cases.
  • Quote/Exchange:
    • “I am now thinking...this isn’t going to go well. Like, you didn’t have a grip on it the first time.” (39:50, E)
    • “He is truly elbow deep in this man...I can see that his shoulder and his bicep...I’m about to ask him to stop because...you’re going to dislocate your shoulder.” (40:32, E)
    • Satisfying “plop” as the object is finally freed—“It feels like someone’s just given birth.” (41:12+, E)
  • George’s story is kept from his nephew, with Lucy “playing wingman” to protect his dignity.
  • Reflection: The shame older men feel, especially connected to loss and loneliness, is discussed with real empathy:
    • “I feel like I did him a solid.” (44:16, E)
    • Conversation on why older men (vs. women) attempt these things, often with non-medical objects.

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5. Josie, ER Nurse: Razor Blades, Glue & Munchausen’s

• Story (50:38–59:54):
  • The only primary female bodily-object case: A young woman inserts multiple razor blades into her vagina, then seals herself shut with superglue, causing urinary retention and requiring OR intervention.
  • It’s revealed she’s a recurrent patient with diagnosed Munchausen's syndrome, seeking attention and care through self-harm:
    • “She just came right out and said it even though her lips were sealed…” (52:07, F)
    • “This is a ding, ding, ding. She had Munchausens.” (53:49, F)
  • Hospital protocol: minimal stimulation, limited interaction, and precaution against further self-harm.
  • Even after cautious handling, she manages to swallow a hidden razor blade embedded in a binder—“I swallowed a razor blade.” (57:11, F)
  • Key moment: Josie describes the tightrope nurses walk between empathy and emotional boundaries, especially with self-harming, repeated-admission patients.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• “You want some parental consent when you’re going to remove something from a minor anus?” (08:05, Dax)
• “He had what I would describe as a Super Soaker 1000 up his rectum.” (05:56, Randy)
• “So then those are three bratwurst.” (18:02, John)
• “His final one...plastic holder that the toothbrush goes in…he ended up having a colostomy after that.” (23:14, John)
• “He is truly elbow deep in this man...I can see that his shoulder and his bicep...I’m about to ask him to stop because...you’re going to dislocate your shoulder.” (40:32, Lucy)
• “This is coming up on July 4th, when everyone's going to be cooking these up. Very patriotic if you keep this in mind.” (18:28, C)
• “She just came right out and said it even though her lips were sealed…” (52:07, Josie)
• “I swallowed a razor blade.” (57:11, Josie)

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Themes & Recurring Insights

• Shame & Denial: Most patients initially deny inserting objects, even faced with obvious physical evidence or imaging.
• Gender Trends: Nearly all rectal cases involve men, often middle-aged or older; women’s cases skew vaginal and frequently involve different psycho-social factors.
• Medical Professionals’ Empathy: Repeated emphasis on nonjudgment and seeing the humanity behind the embarrassment and poor decisions.
• Curiosity, Loneliness, and Addictive Mentality: Many motivators for these incidents including sexual curiosity, loneliness (especially post-bereavement), and addictive patterns.
• Procedural Technicalities: Extracting objects is logistically complicated by factors like suction, slippery surfaces, and the need for creative problem-solving.
• Munchausen’s Syndrome: Both a teaching point and a source of horror/frustration, especially when self-harm endangers life and challenges medical staff boundaries.

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Episode Structure

The conversation flows naturally, punctuated by Monica’s squeals and Dax’s gallows humor, and is structured as a succession of guest calls, each bringing a fresh, wild, or deeply human perspective. The tone is frank, comic, slightly irreverent, and surprisingly educational, until the final segments, which edge into the tragic or psychologically complex.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:25 – Ear safety warning and parental guidance
• 03:45 – Randy the paramedic’s Super Soaker story
• 13:18 – John: three bratwurst, toothbrush holder, apple
• 27:30 – Cat “birthing” story and tragic outcome
• 31:01 – Lucy: 80-year-old with a wooden banister, extraction
• 50:38 – Josie: Razor blades, superglue, Munchausen’s reveal
• 57:11 – The hidden razor blade in the binder

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Final Thoughts

This episode is not for the squeamish, but it’s an unvarnished, oddly heartwarming testament to the unpredictability, shame, and resilience of the human animal—both the patients and those who care for them. You'll laugh, cringe, maybe squirm, but as Dax sums up: “We celebrate…above all, the challenges and setbacks that ultimately lead to growth and betterment.”

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Shout-out: To the many nurses, first responders, and listeners who keep Armchair Expert's stories real and raw.

Transcript

[A]

Welcome, welcome. Welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepard. I'm joined by Lily Padman.

[B]

Hello.

[C]

What is it today?

[A]

Foreign objects, baby.

[C]

You guys, guys. This one hits is.

[A]

No, the last one.

[C]

There's two.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, you're right that. Well, they all are wild.

[C]

But there are two that you'll never be able to unheard.

[A]

And you're going to hear Monica scream a ton. So keep your volume at like. I guess there's always trigger warnings. This is a like ear safety warning.

[C]

I would probably not listen to this one with your children. There's some real sensitive stuff actually in

[A]

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[C]

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[A]

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[D]

Hello.

[A]

How are you? Are you Randy?

[D]

I am.

[A]

Where are you Randy?

[D]

Well, I'm currently in Orlando. I'm on a road trip. I met one of my son's house when I heard about this. We had to stop here on our way to our destination so I could use his computer.

[C]

That's nice.

[A]

We appreciate you interrupting your road trip to tell us this story. This is our favorite promise. We love this promise.

[C]

Yeah, we do.

[D]

I'm a retired paramedic. I was a paramedic for 35 years in a major metropolitan area. Chris, I've got a thousand thousand stories. I'm sure, but some of these are more unique than others.

[C]

Okay, the more unique the better.

[D]

My partner and I were sitting at the station and the call comes in from Dispatch that says Crew425, self inflicted trauma involving a foreign object.

[A]

And really quick, what does that normally mean to you? What's like the highest probability? That means self inflicted trauma.

[D]

Usually they're not that detailed. They'll call it an unknown medical or they'll call it a personal injury. But this one happened to come in a little more description to it. We're just kind of wondering, what can this be? Every time I think I've seen it all, I see something I've never seen before. We knock on the door and the middle aged woman answers the door and she's startled. She's going, you must have the wrong address. I didn't call 91 1, you better check with dispatch. We called dispatch to verify the address and the name of the caller. And I said, well it wasn't a woman's name. I said, well this is the name of the Collar. And she said, that's my son. He's upstairs.

[C]

Oh, no.

[D]

Okay, well, maybe we should go check on your son. We walked up there and we find that he's around 14 years old and he's laying in bed. He's got blanket over him, and he's very reluctant to answer any questions.

[A]

He has a hard age for this. Yeah.

[D]

I said, how do you feel? He says, well, I'm in a lot of pain. So then he asked for his mother to leave the room. And he was more forthcoming with his complaint. So then we looked at him and he had what I would describe as a Super Soaker 1000 up his rectum.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

An enormous squirt gun.

[D]

Well, this particular model had an attachment to it that allowed this to happen. There's a tube on the end of it. He asked if we could take care of him at that point. And we sometimes try to do things like that. You know, we'll grease it up with a little KY jelly if we could get it removed. And it wasn't working very well and said, well, at this point we're going to have to transport you to the hospital.

[A]

Randy, if you could explain to some detail, I'm picturing a big water gun. Is the barrel in his rectum or is the water tank in his rectum or is the entire device in it?

[D]

The barrel in the water tank. I wouldn't think it would fit. There was a hose attachment to it that allowed a stronger stream, I would presume.

[C]

Okay. Interesting. Okay, I'm gonna have to do some googling after this.

[A]

It sounds like this might started as like a hydro experiment. Like, oh, I might like the sensation of water spraying.

[C]

Like a bidet. A makeshift bidet enema.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Or an enema.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Yes. I did detach the main water tank on it by severing that from the tube so we didn't have to transport the whole thing yet. And then we did bring him to the hospital where he was sedated and the thing was removed. He had a lot of splaining to do after that.

[A]

I can't think of anything. I was already so paranoid my mother would discover I was just masturbating. Old fashioned masturbating, let alone. I just can't imagine the horror I would experience having to tell my mother that that water pistol she got me. Oh, I used in my bedroom. Oh, my God.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[D]

He called 911 without her knowledge. I think he thought maybe that he could pull it off, right?

[A]

Oh, he thought he could pull off a lot of st. That day.

[C]

He sure did. He learned a lot. So did you have to tell the mom, okay, we have to take him to the hospital. And she's like, why?

[D]

Well, at that point where we figured we'd have to try to remove it, we got her involved.

[B]

Oh.

[D]

Because she was quite nervous, wanted to know what's going on.

[C]

Yeah, of course.

[A]

And you want some parental consent when you're going to remove something from a minor anus?

[D]

Parental consent even when he's conscious like that. I explained to the 14 year old rather quickly that you don't want your mother in here, but we have to get her involved.

[A]

Randy, did you make any effort to alleviate his shame? Did you go like, hey, brother, just so you know, this happens all the time.

[D]

Well, I didn't say it happens all the time. I told him. I said I was his age once.

[A]

Oh, okay. That's nice.

[D]

Experimentation is something that's rather common, of course. Yes.

[A]

Right, Yes.

[D]

I didn't get any of these details on that.

[A]

Your own experimentation.

[D]

The important thing is you're not hurting anybody else.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Just yourself.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What if the mom had walked in the room and he was mid sentence going, well, when I was your age, I put a cactus in my restaurant. So what you did was pretty sane compared to that.

[D]

We're a live animal, for that matter.

[A]

Sure, we've heard those stories. And what's funny, Scott, is you said it wasn't a woman's name on the call. And I just want to say we have now done this prompt quite a few times and I'm accumulating stories as I move through the world. And I just want to say it's never going to be a woman's name.

[C]

It's really rare.

[A]

It seems to be a very male endeavor.

[D]

I suppose if I look back at my career, I would agree with you.

[C]

Oh, man. Yikes.

[A]

Well, Randy, where are you heading? Where's the road trip conclude?

[D]

We're going to go to New Smyrna Beach. That's on the east coast of Florida.

[A]

Okay, great.

[D]

We're traveling with my in laws who've just moved here about a year ago and they've never been at the Kennedy Space center.

[C]

So cool.

[D]

That's our destination. And my sister owns a condo in New Smyrna beach, so we're going to stay there for a couple of days.

[A]

Lovely. Where did you live before you retired? In Florida.

[D]

North, when it was very cold. And I love retirement. Good. I don't miss the challenges and the excitement of the job.

[A]

That's great because A lot of people don't do well with retirement.

[D]

There really is an art to it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What's the secret?

[A]

As I near it, you take up a hobby.

[D]

You golf, you own a home that's not brand new, that needs some improvements, and that's kept me busy.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

You need to be busy. Right. Doing something.

[D]

If you're not busy, then bad things, I think, can result.

[A]

You deteriorate.

[D]

Yeah. If your muscles aren't being used, they kind of have a memory that says, well, if you're not going to use me, I'm just going to go away.

[A]

Yeah. I'm not going to expend energy on supporting you if I'm not needed.

[D]

And I did that job for 35 years, and that was a long time.

[C]

That is.

[A]

We've interviewed a lot of first responders, and, yeah. Jennifer, generally they don't do 20. Yeah.

[C]

And a very high stimuli. So I'm sure you feel happy to be out of that.

[D]

Yeah. People say, well, you must have liked your job. And I said, I don't think so. I must have loved it.

[A]

Yeah, that's right.

[C]

So nice to chat with you.

[A]

Yeah. Randy, a delight to meet you, and I appreciate the story.

[D]

I just want to say one last thing. My daughter's a big fan of yours. Her name is Megan. She lives in California, and she's a film editor.

[A]

Ooh.

[D]

Oh. She wanted me to say she loves her show and to say hello.

[A]

Well, thank you. Tell Megan. Yes. Megan, thank you so much for encouraging your father to submit.

[C]

Yeah. We appreciate you.

[D]

Yeah. It's been a lot of fun talking to you.

[A]

All right, have a good trip.

[D]

Thank you.

[B]

All right, bye.

[A]

I wish he had a photo of that water sprayer because I was having a hard time.

[C]

What did he call it? Super Soaker, but with a hole.

[A]

1,000, I think 3,000, 10,000.

[C]

Oh, wow. I mean, vintage. This is a vintage one from 1997.

[A]

Well, it was a while ago. Let me see if I'm seeing a hoax hose. Yeah. This is exactly what I was picturing, but I'm like, what's the. Oh, there is a hose along the side there.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

So do we think he put the hose in?

[A]

But that one gets stuck in your ass. You could jerk a hose out just fine. There had to be some big bulbous end of it stuck in the rectal.

[C]

But he kept referring to the hose.

[A]

I wish he referred to the cavity more.

[C]

I think it was a super Soaker, because it's labeled pretty clearly on these things.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Or like, maybe this. No, that's nerf. Oh, it's taking me to doordash now.

[E]

Vintage.

[C]

These are fun. Wow. This vintage one's 282.

[A]

You should buy one, put it in your butt, and see how it feels.

[C]

All right.

[F]

Oh.

[C]

I was gonna say it is weird that the stories aren't females, because I do think generally women have more stuff up there. Anal beads, like, it's more socially. Yes. Yeah. Socially, it's more of a thing.

[A]

Yeah. I think there's a couple factors. One, women don't have a prostate.

[F]

Right.

[A]

So they're not trying to explore some heightened. You know, they might enjoy the tension, but they're not in search of the male G spot.

[C]

No. Yeah. I think it's more like in a sexual experience with. With a man.

[A]

And then I also don't think they're as bold.

[C]

Right. To tell it like, oh, I think

[A]

I'll put that entire fucking key. I think they're more reasonable. Or doing it in secrecy.

[C]

I don't think they're doing it in secrecy. I think they're doing it in sex. And I'm just surprised there aren't more mistakes anyway.

[A]

John, can you hear us?

[B]

Yeah. Can you guys hear me?

[A]

Yeah, absolutely.

[B]

All right. How are you guys?

[A]

Good. Did you get stressed out about connecting?

[B]

I had a little bit of a panic attack.

[A]

Yeah, no, don't worry. So standard. It's always a bit of a challenge.

[B]

All right, where are you? I'm gonna see if you guys can guess. You guys are pretty good at guessing.

[A]

I think you're at a hospital.

[B]

I am.

[C]

Oh, I thought it was a classroom.

[B]

Any idea what state?

[A]

Oh, wow. I'd be basing this on Texas tiles and this blue background. I'm gonna go Ohio.

[B]

You're damn good, sir.

[C]

No, are you kidding me?

[F]

Wow.

[B]

Yes, sir.

[A]

You just made my year. That might be my best guess. I have almost no details for the listener.

[C]

All we see is a green wall in a ceiling.

[A]

Great. You're in Ohio.

[B]

I'll leave. I need to kind of keep it a little vague.

[A]

Surely. And what line of work are you in, John?

[B]

I'm an ER nurse.

[A]

You see it all.

[B]

Yes, sir.

[C]

We are excited.

[A]

How long have you been doing that?

[B]

About 14 years.

[A]

Great. And are you fatiguing at all, or are you still inspired?

[B]

Comes and goes. There's some days where it's pretty fatiguing, other days it's. It's inspiring.

[C]

How are you feeling about the pit?

[B]

I love it. Most realistic medical drama since er.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

It's so good.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

You love it?

[A]

And really quick, did you know from a young boy that you wanted to go into this?

[B]

Nope. I wanted to be a sniper in the military.

[A]

So either save people or kill people. I'll be on either end of that spectrum. Kill or save. Okay, so. And then would I be writing? Guessing that you probably had to pick between many foreign objects.

[B]

Yeah, I submitted a couple different ones.

[C]

Oh, great.

[A]

Well, please walk us through the one that you selected for today.

[B]

This was back in 2013, just after I was off orientation. So I'm a brand new grad and it was like one of my first shifts off orientation. And the person I was sharing a part of the department with was going to lunch and they had a patient come in. So I was trying to be a good co worker. I'm going to get this patient settled. So I look up and there's an older gentleman on an EMS stretcher laying on his side. So I'm like, could be anything, so get him in there. And I'm like, you know what's going on? He goes, I'm having some pain down there and a little bit of blood.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

I'm like, okay, that's cool, whatever. So start doing everything. Doctor comes in and he's doing his regular questions and he said, was there any chance you stuck something up there? The guy's like, absolutely not. Nope, no way. And so he's like, okay, well, since you did say you were bleeding, we have to do a rectal exam. You have to have a witness. So me being the nurse, I was in there just kind of being a witness. And the doctor does what he did. And when he pulled his finger out, he had a little bit of like clear plastic on his glove.

[A]

Oh, plastic. Clear plastic.

[B]

I probably could explain it better, but it would give it away.

[A]

Okay, great, Great, great, great.

[B]

So he's like, are you sure there's nothing up there? And he's like, nope, nothing's up there.

[A]

Can we just talk for a second about the psychology of someone who comes in? What's so interesting is this is very common. We keep hearing people, like, they think they're going to be able to deny it all is happening while also getting treated for it.

[C]

I know.

[A]

I feel like it's one of the more unique patients that can arrive at the hospitals because, like, they're not gon figure it out.

[C]

They go into a weird spot in their brain. Fight or flight saves their life embarrassment.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

As I gain experience, I've told them, like, I don't care. We're going to help you regardless Just be honest with us so we can make it a lot quicker.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Do you think it would be helpful? This would comfort me. We were just talking to someone. If you were to say to the person like, hey, by the way, we get a hundred of these a year. This is average stuff.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I think I would feel comforted by that, because I bet when you're on your way there, you think you're the only person that needed to go to the hospital for this.

[C]

This might have been the only time this person ever. But know the story yet. But we'll have to see.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

Draw some blood work. And the doctor sends him over for ct. And I had sent a picture

[A]

of the ct. We have it.

[B]

I sent three pictures.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Oh, my God, I'm so excited. I feel like Christmas morning. Okay, what do you see? Okay, so here we go, Monica. I see ilium and the ishium. I see the hips.

[B]

The first one we're looking at is there should be, like, three circles.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Huh?

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay. It's really far up there.

[A]

Yeah, really far.

[C]

And it's three stripes.

[B]

It looks like a fidget spinner almost, but it's not okay, right?

[E]

Okay.

[B]

We get those back, and the doctor's like, listen, sir, I've been doing this a long time. Just be honest with me. So he finally broke down and admitted that his wife was out of town.

[A]

Always.

[C]

The wife is always. Wives cannot go out of town.

[B]

And they can. He had wanted to feel what it felt like, so he went to the fridge and he got bratwurst.

[C]

Oh.

[A]

Brought worsts, not brought worse.

[B]

He put one.

[E]

No.

[B]

Thought it felt pretty good. Thought two would be better.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

So then those are three brought worse.

[A]

Oh, no,

[B]

no.

[C]

Oh, let me see.

[A]

Can I say I can so relate to this person?

[E]

What?

[A]

It's my whole thing with why I'm an addict. It's like, oh, this one pill felt great. Of course, two will feel better. And then, of course, three will feel better.

[C]

What's the plastic? Oh, like the wrapp.

[B]

The casing.

[A]

The casing.

[C]

This is coming up on July 4th, when everyone's going to be cooking these up. Very patriotic if you keep this in

[A]

mind, because I was just trying to celebrate our country's birthday.

[B]

Ew.

[A]

This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. I feel like spring always does this thing where you realize you've been thinking about something for a long time, and suddenly it feels like, okay, maybe I actually do something with it.

[C]

Totally. It's less pressure, but more like readiness.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like you've been sitting on an idea or a project or even just a perspective you care about, and now you're like, maybe this deserves to exist somewhere outside of my own head.

[C]

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[A]

Yeah, and Wabiwab is not trying to spend 40 hours figuring out web design.

[C]

It just worked, which is kind of the point.

[A]

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[C]

I've had a Helix mattress for years now. A long time.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

And it has really, really held up it's still so comfortable. Still matches my exact needs. I'm a side sleeper.

[A]

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[B]

Okay.

[C]

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[A]

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[C]

Me too. And it makes a difference.

[A]

It's really one of those things where you don't realize how much better sleep can be until you're actually getting it consistently. Go to helixsleep.comarmchair for 20% off. That's helixsleep.com armchair for 20% off. Helixsleep.com armchair.

[B]

A couple days later, the surgeon was down there because they had to take him to surgery to get him out. And where I'm at, there's a couple hospitals in the area. And the surgeon was talking to a buddy of his at the other hospital. Will come to find out the guy had been over there with a different. Those other two pictures.

[C]

No. Oh, I wondered. I was like, I don't understand how. This is three bratwurst. Oh, no.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. What is.

[B]

Which one are you looking at?

[A]

So I'm looking at, like, again, this guy's pelvis. And then there is a large object silhouetted that's really far off to the right. It doesn't look like you would, but anyways. Yeah. What are we looking at?

[B]

I'm sure you guys like to travel a lot. When you take your toothbrush, you get a plastic holder that the toothbrush goes in. That. That was his final one. He ended up having a colostomy after that. No.

[F]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Oh, that's so sad.

[C]

He's really addicted to this.

[A]

But it's not even that he's addicted to it. That's so puzzling. It's that you got something lost in there. I would think minimally, you'd go, okay, next time I need a string attached to whatever I'm putting in my butt or, you know, some game plan, go ahead and keep pursuing this. But do it well, a little better.

[C]

Keep pursuing it. You've already had to go to the hospital. Okay. And it's bad. And then you went.

[A]

So that's a three. Three strikes your.

[B]

Is what you're saying the other picture.

[C]

Yeah. What's this one?

[B]

Takes place shortly after the bratwurst. Any guesses on what that could be?

[C]

It looks like a dildo, honestly. But it's confusing.

[B]

It's not.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Is it a microphone?

[A]

You know what it weirdly looks like? It looks like his spinal column.

[C]

What if he stole one from a museum?

[B]

What did our parents always tell us would keep a doctor if we ate it?

[A]

Oh, it's this.

[F]

This.

[C]

Oh, it's the dark.

[A]

It's the dark piece.

[C]

Okay. So he really was into food in

[A]

two of the events until then. And then oral hygiene. He's like, I've eaten so much. I've eaten so much food down there.

[C]

I got a brush.

[A]

I got a brush. So I don't give cavities.

[C]

This looks like an apple that's been cut.

[A]

He didn't want rectal cavities.

[B]

It was full. It wasn't cut in half, but he did core it. Or he put. Was able to get a string through it.

[C]

Oh, so see, he was trying.

[A]

That's how they got it out.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

Oh.

[A]

So the bratwurst required surgery. Did the toothbrush container require surgery?

[B]

They had to actually open his belly. They took out some of his bow because it had died.

[A]

Oh, man.

[C]

Oh, this is hor. How old is this man?

[A]

I blame the wife. It sounds like she was traveling too much.

[C]

She traveled so much.

[A]

Why could she stay put?

[C]

Don't blame her. She had to get out of that house. How oldish was this person?

[B]

Late 50s.

[C]

Okay, okay.

[A]

D. Shepherd type.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Sounds like in my future.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

A lot of these stories. You know what's interesting is we have both. There's the young people experimenting. But most of these stories are kind of older. Men and their wives go out of town. They've always had this curiosity, and then they're like, you know what? I'm 58. What am I waiting for?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

No time like the present.

[A]

That's right. Now or never. She gets back Tuesday. Oh, boy. I feel terrible. You wouldn't know, but I do wonder, did he just come home with me? Like, huh? Honey, I had to get a colostomy. What?

[B]

That was at the other hospital, so I don't know. I'm assuming he had to call her from the hospital. I don't know if she was out of town at that time or that whole story.

[C]

I wish she could just ask, like, hey, Hon, I'm just interested in what it feels like. Could you just put a dildo up there? Ask for help before you do all of that? But maybe. It's probably part of the appeal.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You feel naughty.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't know. That's one of many stories that I could have told about people sticking other things up other body parts.

[A]

You know, John, I would imagine when you entered this career, your own interest in putting something, Something in your butt might have been around a three or a four, but post career, you're like, it's a zero.

[B]

It's like negative 50.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

You've really seen it go sideways. That's the problem. We don't hear the victory stories, you know?

[C]

Well, are there?

[A]

Well, yeah. Like, we could have a promise, like, tell us about the best day of your life. And some guy would be like, yeah, I put a corn cob up my ass and it got it out. But it was great. We're not hearing those stories, so it could be misleading if.

[C]

Then he would do it again and he would keep doing it if it felt great. And like, maybe bratwurst had been doing this for a long time and with success. And then he got cocky.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Well, John, this is a delight. I never anticipated that we would have a story where the person had three trips.

[C]

Jesus.

[B]

Yeah, I got one that probably would make Monica very uncomfortable. It involves some stuff stuck in a vagina.

[A]

Wait, go ahead.

[C]

We need to hear it.

[A]

We need to hear what was in there.

[B]

Okay, click down in dirt. This person came in. She was a furry, and she identified as a cat. It's kind of a sad story, but she wanted to feel like what it would feel like to birth kittens.

[C]

Oh, no, no.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

No.

[B]

Yes. Yes.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[F]

Dude.

[E]

No.

[A]

See, this is where women are more kinky.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

She put a kitten up there.

[B]

No.

[D]

How? How?

[F]

How?

[B]

Dude, I don't know.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Listen, I am all for people getting as kinky as possible. I would never shame anyone's thing. But you can involve other animals. We gotta draw a line with the other animals.

[C]

We can draw a line before that.

[A]

Like, if she put three stuffies in her vagina, I would be miserable, but I would have no ethical issue with it.

[B]

She ended up passing away because she got sepsis and infection. I guess she kept in there for a couple days.

[C]

No, no, no. This is so okay. Oh, my God. This is so horrifying and it is so sad. We've got some mental issues.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, I think if you're in a position where you were becoming a cat.

[C]

Yeah. Of course.

[A]

You're in treacherous waters. You got the story.

[C]

That was too early.

[A]

Are you like, the king of a backyard barbecue?

[B]

I'm a great time at parties.

[A]

I would be all ears. I would just trail you around the party trying to gather.

[C]

Yeah, there's like, a kitten or at somebody's house, like, oh, that reminds me,

[A]

John, you got a great story about kittens. Holy. What a pleasure meeting you.

[C]

Very nice to meet you.

[B]

Thank you guys. Can I give a couple quick shout outs?

[A]

You can give as many as you'd like.

[B]

First of all, I want to thank you guys. You guys have been after some pretty stressful shifts, some great comic relief hearing other people's stories, so thank you for what you guys do. Shout out all the other nurses, especially two of them that I work closely with. And funny, one of their names is Kat.

[C]

Oh, boy.

[B]

The other one's Devin and Chelsea. And then the person introduced me to this podcast is actually the lady that cuts my hair. Her name's Sarah.

[C]

Oh, shout out.

[A]

Thank all those nurses. I mean, truly. I hope you hear it in our voice. We fucking are so grateful for nurses.

[B]

It means a lot.

[A]

Well, be well, brother, and enjoy that encroaching summer that's upon us.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

All right, John.

[A]

Take care, brother.

[B]

Take care. See you guys.

[E]

Dax and Monica.

[B]

Hi.

[C]

Look at your beautiful hair.

[E]

Oh, thank you. I, you know, washed it.

[A]

How do you deal with anesthesia?

[E]

Not well.

[A]

That stereotype holds.

[E]

I had surgery and the pre op nurse, my surgeon, and the anesthesiologist individually all walked in the room, had met me and were like, redhead. Like, out loud.

[A]

Oh, no.

[E]

That wasn't super comforting.

[C]

No. Was the surgery you getting something removed from your rectum?

[E]

No, that would be appropriate.

[A]

And unfortunately, there's not a lot of women involved in these stories, but I said I'm surprised.

[E]

My anecdotal evidence is unfortunately, I would say it's mostly male skewed. Is it okay if I do a fake name for this feminist?

[A]

Yes, of course. What name would you like to go by?

[E]

I was gonna let you pick, but I think I'll go with Lucy for this.

[C]

I love it.

[A]

Okay, great.

[C]

It really fits.

[A]

Are you in the medical profession?

[E]

I am.

[A]

And can you give us a broad where you're at in the country?

[E]

I am in the Pacific Northwest.

[A]

Okay, great. It's comforting to know that this stuff is happening kind of globally. We're not isolating any certain area 100%.

[E]

And this took place elsewhere in the country? In another big city. So it's everywhere.

[A]

And what do you do?

[E]

I am an ER nurse.

[D]

Okay, great.

[A]

We are so grateful for you. Thank you.

[E]

We love people who love us. And I should say Monica, before you ask, yes, I love ER and the pig.

[C]

Yes, it was coming.

[A]

Yes, she already asked.

[E]

And yes, I have seen Munchausens by proxy.

[C]

Oh, God. Maybe we can do a prom.

[D]

God.

[A]

That was one of your old questions. You kind of forgot about that.

[C]

I know.

[A]

Maybe you had to get rid of that cause for cte.

[C]

It's old. A lot I'm causing.

[A]

I know.

[C]

You know, I have a lot of.

[A]

You just reminded me, Lucy, how obsessed she was with Moonchild. And by proxy.

[C]

I kind of forgot to go back to that. I feel bad. I really let that one go.

[E]

I mean, in your defense, those stories are always overshadowed by how sad they are.

[C]

I mean, CTE isn't much better.

[A]

Most of your causes are pretty.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Once you recognize what was going on, I would have a hard time containing my ire towards the parent. Like, were you having to police yourself with how you were interacting with the parent?

[E]

100%. At least in this case, once the child was removed, the parents still obviously, like, it's always a mom. The mom always tries to still be involved, tries to visit, tries to whatever. So you still interact with them. And I definitely found myself being shorter.

[A]

Well, just like the butt stuff's very male. The moonchild is very female.

[D]

It is.

[A]

I've never even heard of a dad doing it.

[C]

I know.

[A]

Actually never heard of a female with a foreign object in her butt. I've never heard of a male. That's a moonchild.

[C]

I have heard of a female with a foreign object stuck up there in the anus. Yes. But it was during sex. It wasn't like on their own playing.

[A]

How could you have not told me this?

[C]

Somebody's story.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

All right.

[E]

Well, to throw in an extra layer, I will say I've worked pediatrics for a long time and kids tend to go like penis vagina route. They don't tend to do the butt. I don't know what it is.

[C]

Right.

[E]

But for that in the mix, to your point, the girls are usually. It's a vaginal thing.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

Not usually a rectal thing.

[A]

And the boys are putting things in their urethra.

[E]

I. Thankfully I've only seen this once or twice.

[F]

Yeah.

[E]

Yes. The one that sticks out to me was a school age kid, 8 or 9. It was a crayon.

[A]

Oh, man. How I know of all the areas of My body, the one that immediately can make me, like, fucking get a shiver is just a thought of anything in my urethra. I had a catheter this year. I was like, fuck this. This is way worse than any surgery I've gotten.

[E]

I don't feel bad for dudes in the medical world all that often with the calves, you have it a little bit rougher than we do, I will admit.

[A]

The thing is, is it's just like there's so much too. You feel like you have to pe My case four days straight. It's just a terrible feeling.

[E]

It's not pleasant. I always feel bad. I will say in the future, you have the option to have a numbing gel inserted.

[A]

I don't know if you heard this story. That was phase one of the trauma was the woman had my penis in her hand and she's got this enormous as you know, that numbing solution. There's like five ounces of it. It's not like a little top. It's like a huge syringe. And she's going to squirt ounces of it into my urethra. And I can kind of feel she's wrestling with something. I'm more distracted by the fact that a stranger's holding my penis. Penis. And then I hear a pop. And I hear oh. And all of it, it's like the plunger was stuck. And then she just turbo injected all 5 ounces into my penis in a millisecond. And I screamed, which I don't scream. And she goes, oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry. That never happens. That's how we started my cat.

[C]

Not a good way to start.

[E]

To your point, I have never used all of that gel.

[A]

Oh, we did. Did I? Bet some is still in my bladder. But alas, we've come for a foreign object in a butt story. So please set the stage for us.

[E]

My only sadness is I only have one to tell you, and we don't have time for all of them. There's so many.

[A]

If you had to ballpark, how many do you think you've seen?

[E]

12 years, maybe 20 to 30.

[C]

Jesus.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Wow.

[E]

They often come in batches. I can't explain it.

[A]

Like something's in the air or everyone's

[E]

getting the same bad idea. I don't know. But yeah. So I'm in a baby kids city, big trauma center, big er, tons of patients in and out every day. A billion ambulances. This is 2021. It's post Covid. So we get an EMS call, ambulances coming in. 80 year old male, abdominal pain, vitals are stable. And that's also all day, every day. Belly pain fine, could be anything. Vitals are stable. Honestly, I kind of like check out.

[B]

Great, you're autopilot.

[E]

So get them into the room. The medics give their report, and then at the end of it, the medic says, hey, can I talk to you in the hallway for a second? Now this happens a lot. They have so much information. A lot of times it's like, hey, we were at the house and we think maybe social work should get involved. There's neglect happening. We saw a pile of drugs. Factor that into your differential. Like they have very helpful information. And in this case, she said, I have two things to tell you. One is that in route, he updated his chief complaint, which is that he inserted something rectally a couple of days ago. He thinks that's causing his pain.

[A]

A couple of days ago. I mean, this is the shame you're doing, dealing with. You're just sitting there for two days

[C]

debating whether or not first you like it.

[A]

No, I think.

[D]

I think.

[A]

I think you're hopeful you might poop it out.

[C]

Oh, I don't know.

[A]

I'm guessing.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

You're like, I'm not gonna ride this out for a couple days because I can't deal with the shame of this. Let's see if it comes out naturally. And then you're like.

[E]

So the other piece of this was, she said, of note also, his wife died recently.

[C]

Oh, no.

[A]

Yeah, that's the permanent going out of town. We have found. We have found, Lucy, that almost all of these stories invol. The wife was out of town.

[E]

I was listening to that one the other day, and I was like, this is why married men live longer.

[C]

She went really far out.

[A]

She went permanently out of town. He's like, damn it, let's get going. Okay, that's terrible.

[E]

You read the room. Sometimes people need like a little joking. Like, hey, what were you thinking? You know, break the ice, make him more comfortable, this guy. I was like, I feel so sad for you. He's clearly so in there embarrassed. And I was like, we're gonna get this out, sir. Like, it's gonna be fine. And actually, you want to pick a name for him. I feel like he needs like an old man named George. I'm like, all right, George. So we'll start some blood work, we'll get some urine samples, standard abdominal pain stuff. We'll get some imaging.

[A]

Do you offer him any painkillers?

[E]

Doctor offers him some, but at this point he's mostly uncomfortable. Like he wants to like be in a certain position, but yeah, that definitely gets offered. But he's very like 80 year old stoic. He's like, nope, just get it out. Honestly, I mostly appreciate that he didn't lie to us. Wastes a lot less time.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Imaging comes back. You can't really ex exactly tell what anything is, but you can kind of rule out the dangerous stuff. So really the ER doctor is just looking at is this safe to remove in the er? So it's not glass, it's not metal. It doesn't seem to be sharp. It's all one piece. So he's like, great, we can take it out here.

[A]

Or explosive. We've had that one. Someone put a butane tank up their ass.

[E]

Yeah, I've seen some errors. There's definitely things that they get punted to the or and they're like, this is not an ER problem. They have to deal with a lot of up there. I feel that very for the OR at this point. Doctor's like, great, we'll take it out. He offers the patient sedation, pain meds. A lot of people need something to help get through this experience and tolerate it. And George was just like, nope, get it out. And honestly, the ER doc, they're all kind of like cowboys. So they're like, sweet. I like it to do a procedure and just do it and like be done with it. So I go grab my friend, one of the other nurses, I grabbed Jason and I'm like, hey, can you help me or something? Everyone, thankfully is such a team player. They don't even ask what they're signing up for. He was just like, yeah, cool, I'm coming. And on the way, I was like, say it's okay, it's a rectal borne body. So we all get in there. George is on his side, Doc gets a glove. He gets just a whole bunch of lube and goes for it. We're maybe a minute into this, but he's already found it. He can reach it, which is great. He can feel it. He can kind of get his hand around it.

[A]

Can I quickly ask you, did the man ever tell you what object was in there?

[E]

No, they never tell you.

[A]

Yeah, okay, great, great, great, great. So it's a mystery.

[E]

Mystery. They're always like, I don't know. It's just like something.

[A]

Yeah, I fell down. I don't know what's up there.

[E]

As if we're not gonna see it in five minutes.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

So he can feel it. And he's like, all right, I have my hand around it. But as I'm sure you've discovered in hearing all of these phrase that one problem is the slipperiness factor in the grip. One factor is like the suction, the

[A]

back pressure on it.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

The suction's so interesting.

[E]

I mean, it's good in that if your rectal sphincter was open, you wouldn't just, like, want everything in there to fall out.

[C]

Exactly. Yes, you would.

[E]

Not in this case. It's unfortunate. So doc is in there, and he's, like, trying to grab it, and he can't do it. Do it. Finally, he takes his hand out. We, like, give the patient a break. Sweet little George is like, just do it. I got this. And so I'm now thinking, I don't think this is going to go well. Like, you didn't have a grip on it the first time. I'm like, I don't think this is going to work. But the doc is so, like, nope, I'm ready. And there's plenty of instruments he could try. There's other options and things. But he's like, no, I know I can do it. Second time, hand goes in. And at this point, I look down and he is truly elbow deep in this man. Oh, God.

[A]

In a senior.

[E]

Going for it.

[C]

Oh, wow.

[A]

God bless. Really quick. When I'm working on things mechanically and I get frustrated, I start going, like, I. Have you ever heard, doctor, just kind of start looking. And I was like, fuck you, son of a bitch. Are they, like, stifling any of that chatter that men do when they're working on stuff?

[E]

It happens more when the patient is sedated, I would say.

[A]

Okay, okay.

[E]

They, like, police themselves a little more when they're awake.

[B]

Okay.

[E]

About 30 seconds into this, I am now thinking, this isn't going to happen. Because at this point, he's leaned in, he's still elbow deep. This doctor is, like, ripped. And he is in a T shirt, which is only relevant because I can see that his shoulder and his bicep, like, at this point, I'm about to ask him to stop because I'm like, you're going to dislocate your shoulder trying to get to crying so hard. As soon as I'm about to say this, we just hear this perfect little, like. Just comes right out. He's now holding this thing in his hand, and we all kind of are looking at, like, it feels like someone's just given birth. George is just, like, exhausted. He got this thing out. Everyone's tired, the doctor's exhausted, and he's holding it. I can only describe it as he's holding, like, a 6 inches wide by 8 inches long piece of a wood. Wooden banister.

[A]

Banister.

[E]

Okay. I can't say for sure. Maybe he was like a woodworker. But it is kind of the shape of a bishop in a chess set.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[E]

But huge wooden. It's covered in, like, obviously stool, but also some blood.

[F]

Yeah.

[E]

So not a gentle removal. And also didn't look perfectly sanded, to be honest. Little splintering going on.

[A]

I know if I gotta pick a material to insert my butt. Wood is just after glass.

[C]

And he's been pulling off on it. So splinters everywhere.

[A]

Yeah, but it might have been those splinters that got him his found purchase. You might have saved him.

[E]

So the doctor now is just, like, sweet. So he just throws it in a specimen bag, chucks it on the counter. It's like this clear bag. You put labs in. He throws it on the counter, tosses his glove, and walks out of the room. And of course, my co worker Jason's like, all right, I got other patients. He leaves. So it's just me and George. And I was like, okay, I'm just gonna let you rest for a little while. You know, we're gonna keep him overnight because there was blood and he's old. So I go back to other things. Maybe an hour later, I get a call from security, says he a patient for room 20 for George's room. I said, okay, let me go chat with him, see if it's okay for him to come back. It's his nephew. And I get up to walk, and before I can even hang up the phone, I see somebody walking down the hallway. And I hear them ask about room 20. I have not yet made it to the room. All I'm thinking is that bag and that bloody gooby mess is on the counter.

[A]

The evidence is in plain sight.

[E]

I, like, dart into the room. I say, hey, your nephew's coming. They live together. This is who takes care of him. And as I'm saying, I see the patient's face. Like, poor George is just like, oh, God. Like, someone's coming. So I just position myself so I'm now between the door and the object. So I am standing in front of it against the wall. Door opens, nephew comes in, and he's like, oh, my God. Like, uncle George, what's going on? Are you okay? What's been happening? And so I just tell him, hey, we ran blood Work urine sample. His vitals are okay. We're waiting on some imaging to come back, which was true.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Mostly true in mind. His aunt just died, so he's probably thinking, like, oh, my God, this is part two. Like, I'm gonna lose both of them. He's panicking, but I'm also like, I can't tell him what it was. That is George's story to share. At some point, nephew just looks at me and he goes, okay. Do you have any idea what could be causing this abdominal pain? Like, what's going on? Because it was like, a neighbor called him to come in. You know, we saw an ambulance take your uncle away. He has no idea. I'm now backed up against the bag, and I'm holding this bag against my back because we're all very close. This room. And I just said, I have absolutely no idea. Could be anything.

[A]

Yeah, great.

[E]

I just kind of, like, slid sideways out of the room, like, dropped it in the trash on the way home.

[C]

Oh, nice.

[E]

And I don't know that he actually ever found out what happened.

[C]

Oh. And so we still don't know exactly

[A]

what it was meaning. Like, we didn't ask George. Like, hey, where'd this thing come from?

[C]

Like, why you? What does it mean?

[B]

Why?

[C]

Like, what's the signific?

[A]

Why are you in love with.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I think George should have sent you Christmas cards.

[E]

I feel like I did him a solid.

[C]

Yes, you definitely did.

[A]

You were a great wingman in that situation.

[E]

I tried. I will say anytime I've ever asked somebody why, it's never a satisfying answer. It's always like, I was on drugs or I don't know.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Not even why, but, like, where that go. Yeah, exactly.

[A]

That's how you can trick him. Oh, I love this. Where did you get this? What is it?

[E]

Great idea.

[A]

The other thing I think you could have said to the nephew is you could have just said, like, oh, yeah, you know, he had severe stool blockage, which is true. There's no way they. He could have shipped around that Null post. Is that what it's called? N post.

[C]

I don't know what that is.

[E]

That is actually a great answer. I will say any object. Young people tend to do sex toys, like vibrators, stuff that doesn't have a flared base. But, like, the object itself is, like, safe material.

[B]

Right.

[E]

Every single piece of, like, wood, glass, whatever. Has been a patient over the age of 65. Wow.

[A]

Yes. What I was saying at the beginning, these are generally older dudes that feel like they've been either they've been getting away with it forever, right? Or B, it's not their first trip and they're acting like it's their first trip. But I. I'm more inclined to think it's like it's just been ruminating in the back of their mind for years that they want to try it. And then at some point they go, okay, we're gonna do this finally.

[C]

Yeah. Or like, because it was so old,

[A]

do you think this is in my future?

[C]

No, because I think it's. Cause they were so old. They think dildos are made of wood and glass.

[E]

I do think they need some education.

[C]

Yeah. They're like, I don't wanna go buy one at store. But this is the same. Well, this banister.

[A]

There's a ton of variety in these stories. One is like, yeah, they're too embarrassed to go buy a dildo, so they just try to find an object that makes sense. We've heard a lot of these where there's some other thing going on. The danger part is clearly part of the eroticism because it's like, there's no way you put that in your butt. That couldn't have been the best option.

[C]

This one seems like he really just wanted to feel it.

[A]

He just loves wood. He's a woodworker. Well, he might have made it on a way lathe. He might have, like, been working on that thing. He had his lathe. What are you doing, Grandpa George? I was making a new post. I'm gonna give it to Mike for Christmas this year.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[E]

I did hate that. There was so much shame involved. My husband's an ER nurser and he was like, oh, I bet his wife was, like, helping him with that for many years. No, they would have had, like a dildo if that were the case.

[A]

Yeah, they would. Had a good system.

[C]

Well, maybe he was like, she used to do that for me, and she's gone now, so now I have to do it myself.

[A]

He buried her with the vibrator?

[C]

No, I thought. I was like, at. I thought this was going to go to a really crazy place where he, like, stuck the urn up there. Oh, there were ashes.

[A]

That'd be romantic.

[C]

Well, you know. Yeah.

[E]

That's so much more horrifying.

[A]

I wanted to scatter her ashes in her favorite place. My ass. It was either Lake Winnipesaki or my anus. Oh, my God, my anus. And I recur.

[C]

That's what she wanted.

[A]

It's what she would have wanted. Lucy, that's a lovely story.

[C]

Good job.

[A]

And you're a hero, and you're a good wingman, and you deserve. Deserve some credit for that.

[E]

Thank you. My lovely cousin Suzanne and my friend Carly are both big armchairs, and I know they will be listening.

[C]

Oh, shout out.

[E]

First question they asked was, did I think I was gonna myself on camera talking to you guys.

[A]

Have you done that? We have no way of knowing.

[E]

No. But I did have the thought if that happened, I feel like I would just own up to it. And I think Dax would kind of

[A]

be happy about it because it just screams confidence.

[C]

Oh, if you say it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

That's kind of gangster, her, you know?

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

But I want to say thank you to you guys. You guys came with me on my whole travel nursing journey. It started on my way to Austin. I had two days to kill, and I was like, I love parenthood. I guess I'll, like, come over and see what Cross is up to.

[C]

Sure.

[E]

Monica, thank you for being willing to talk about being a single person existing in a world full of relationship. Like, I was, like, mid, late 20s, and I had not so much as kissed a boy when we first started listening. And so hearing you be able to talk about it and share, share kind of that perspective really openly was really lovely. And even though I'm married now, it has continued to be lovely. And I still feel like, thank God. Like someone's speaking up for the single people still.

[C]

Oh, thank you. I'm glad.

[A]

Well, we like you. We're very grateful. You're an arm.

[B]

Sharing.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

All right, well, be well, and thanks for doing what you do.

[C]

Yes, thank you.

[E]

Thank you guys so much. This was fun.

[B]

All right, take care.

[A]

Hello, Josie.

[E]

Hello.

[A]

You're in your closet, which is fantastic.

[F]

Yes, I follow the rules.

[A]

Monica appreciates it.

[C]

So good.

[A]

So silky. Where in the country are you? You don't have to be super specific.

[F]

Yeah, I'll keep it vague just for patient privacy. I'm in the northwestern quadrant of the U.S. okay.

[A]

Wonderful, wonderful. You're our second Northwest caller today.

[C]

The other one story wasn't in the Northwest, so.

[A]

Good point. She just was currently practicing. You're right.

[B]

You're right, you're right.

[A]

I assume you're in medicine.

[F]

Yes, I've been a nurse for 11 years and always, like, in a larger

[E]

metropolitan area, where the action is.

[F]

Yeah, where the action is.

[A]

I don't want to use the wrong word here, but are you a bit of an arousal junkie?

[F]

Yes. Being a nurs, you see some shit. The messiness of being human is on

[A]

full display It's Apex.

[F]

It just excites me. Like, whenever I see something really shocking, I'm immediately like, okay, this is a story. I can't wait to get off work and tell my husband about this. So, yeah, I love that kind of stuff.

[A]

I couldn't do the job for so many reasons because it's the hardest job in America. That's why we love nurses. There'd be so much, like, duty stuff that would be hard for me. But I am also drawn to it because I think the excitement and how quickly a shift I imagine goes by, does it just blow by?

[F]

Totally. Because I work 12 hour shifts and if I work like an eight or something, I feel like I'm barely there. I mean, I've done so many, like, nasty things. Like, I make the joke. Like, if I wear gloves, I can touch anything.

[A]

All you need is your gloves. And then just quickly, if you had to ballpark, how many foreign objects in body have you seen in 11 years?

[F]

More than five, I'd say. Like, I've seen multiple rectum swallowing is like a really big thing. People swallow stuff. I've seen urethral sounding. I had a guy that was putting objects through his urethra to match.

[C]

Masturbate to masturbate?

[F]

Yes. He had like, pens and he was getting all kinds of infections because of it. People do wild things.

[C]

So he put a ballpoint pen in there and then jerked off with the pen in there.

[F]

It's a thing. We like, googled it afterwards. And then, I mean, like, I had a lady who was injecting meth in her butt.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

Okay, so please tell us about this particular story.

[F]

Okay, so like I said, I've been a nurse 11 years and this is one of those shifts where I right away I got report and I was like, here's a story. So when you're a nurse, you come in for your shift and you get report from the previous nurse and they tell you everything about your patients. And this nurse just kind of gets right into it, you know, she goes, this is a young adult female.

[A]

It's our first female.

[F]

It's our first came into the emergency department with complaints of putting multiple razor blades, inserting it into her vagina. Oh, and then she super glued it shut.

[C]

I gotta go.

[A]

Super glued it shut.

[F]

She super glued the vaginal opening and then the labia majora all the way together.

[A]

She was so mad, she packet full of razor blades. Seal it up for good.

[C]

I can't, I can't.

[F]

And imagine, like, if you like, did crunches or like Bending, no keels. Yeah.

[A]

Okay, so just wait. I got a back.

[B]

Back up.

[A]

I gotta back up. We're still clear. So we still don't have a female rectal. I feel like I know the world a little better now. Okay. I wasn't prepared for a female anal. Okay.

[D]

Holy.

[C]

I wish. It'd be way better. I'd rather have raceways up the ass than the vagina.

[A]

I think there's more room in your vagina.

[C]

It's so tender in there.

[A]

Well, it certainly is, and that's why we like going there. But you also can pass a baby head through there. I don't know. I don't know what's better or worse.

[F]

This. And usually people are kind of shy and, like, secretive when they first come into the emergency department with the foreign object. Right. Like they're embarrassed. She just came right out and said it even though her lips were sealed

[A]

really quick. So you said twenties?

[F]

Yeah. Young adult female. I don't want to get too into

[A]

the weeds, but I guess what I want to know is, did you get a read immediately? Like, did you have a sense that the person was saying or not?

[F]

So we're gonna get. This is a medical emergency because she couldn't pee. So she's complaining that her bladder suic.

[E]

Super full.

[F]

And we did a bladder scan, which is like a ultrasound device. A little wand you just wave over their bladder. Dax, you probably had one when you had your little incident.

[A]

I'm having PTSD hearing about it.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

So it was very full. So we need to address this right away. I think it just became clear this is going to be too painful, too complicated to do in the emergency department. So they had to book an or put her under general anesthesia. And there are solvents and things that can help disintegrate the glue. But the vagina, like we said, it's like a sensitive mucous membrane. So imagine like acetone or something on your vagina, like, gooby gone, food burn so bad. So I don't know, like, if they used a scalpel or what. I wasn't in there, but I know that there was no wound or stitches or anything. Afterwards, they were able to separate it, put a catheter in, drain the bladder, and all is well. You know, they could take the catheter right out. It didn't have to stay in. And then she came up to the post op floor where I was working, and I took care of her from there.

[A]

I have a bad habit of getting ahead, but did they address the razor blades while they Were under.

[E]

Of course, they check out the razor blades.

[A]

Okay, so we put the speculum in and then they found the razor.

[F]

But I guess not too much damage actually either there. So. Yeah, she got lucky. So the why, which is like everyone wants to know is this is a ding, ding, ding. She had Munchausens.

[C]

Stop it.

[A]

Oh, Monica. This is a all in one.

[C]

My brain and cte

[A]

induced by cte.

[C]

My brain feels crazy because the second

[A]

time it came up today.

[C]

Exactly. Second time Munchausen's came up today. And we haven't talked about Munchausen Munchausen's in so long.

[A]

How do you start figuring that part

[F]

out to define Munchausen's? For any listeners that don't know, it's a psychological condition where a person purposefully and intentionally hurts themselves or fakes an illness or causes an injury. With the primary motivation to get care from hospital staff. So they want the care and attention is like the main point or from like family.

[A]

It's kind of sad when you really.

[F]

Yeah, I know pretty immediately I like am able to empathize. And this is like a young person too.

[E]

Right.

[F]

So childhood's not that far away. And like, I'm a mom, so like I'm just picturing like this was a little kid who somehow learned this is the best means to get attention and love we've seen.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

But still, these people cause like a ton of wreckage. They hurt themselves, they hurt people around them. It's like an expense to the hospital system. Like, we have to address all this. So with Munchausen, there's a really specific treatment plan too. So the psychiatrist had a note in her chart that told us exactly how to treat her. So you don't admit to inpatient psych because that would just further reinforce the drive to hurt themselves. Keep conversations super surface level. Do not get emotional, don't get personal. Don't give her a ton of attention. Don't help with any activities of daily living. Like don't wipe or feed her. She might manipulate you into trying to do things like that. Minimal interaction. Make it as least stimulating as possible. Just kind of getting it out.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

So fascinating.

[C]

I know.

[F]

And it's a lot of mental gymnastics as a nurse because, like, we're just used to being like a caregiver. So it was very different. Oh. The other thing is there was like some kind of suicide precaution. So like we had to remove anything from the room she could hurt herself with. But we didn't do a one to one staff because we didn't want her to have that much attention. So we had her on a camera room, but then we didn't tell her she was on a camera room because we don't want her to know she had, like, any special treatment or anything.

[A]

The tightrope. You guys are walking bonkers. You think you're dealing with one thing. Razor blades in a vagina. And no, you're dealing with now moon child, like, much bigger project.

[C]

But how did you know she had Munchausen?

[A]

It was in her chart.

[F]

It was in her chart? Yeah.

[C]

She had been there many times.

[F]

Yeah. So the story goes on, I'm taking care of her on the post op floor. And then pretty early on in the show shift, around lunchtime, I get a discharge order. So I go in the room and I tell her, hey, you're gonna discharge. I print out her paperwork and she calls family and says it's gonna be like an hour or two until they come. And she asked if she could have her homework because she's in school and with a student. So I'm thinking like. Like, I don't really trust this person. But also, I don't know, she already has a rough life. Like, I don't want to hinder life anymore.

[A]

You don't know what part's gonna be a payoff, right?

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

Right.

[F]

And so I was like, okay, well, I'm thinking like, the doctor gave her the discharge order, discontinued some of those suicide precautions. I still have her in a camera room. So I was like, okay, I'll just be careful. So I go and I unlock the cabinet, I take out her backpack, and she tells me which binder she wants in textbook. And I'm like, okay. And I give her one pen. And the pen I was worried about, I'm like, oh, it's this pen. And then I looked through all the pages of the binder and the textbook. I even, like, picked them up and I shook them to see if anyone would fall out. It seems safe. So I'm like, okay, this is going to be okay. And I let her have them and I leave the room. I'm not even kidding. Two minutes later, she hits the call light and says, I swallowed a razor blade.

[C]

What? Wait, what?

[A]

I swallowed a razor blade. Also, how she somehow had razor blades in her Trapper Keeper.

[C]

She. Even after you shook it? What the fuck? Oh, my God.

[A]

She had like a contingency.

[C]

Ew, this is so scary. Actually.

[F]

Yeah. So I go in the room and I'm like, okay, don't make a big reaction. Right? You don't want to give her attention and I'll have emotion. So I just go in and I was like, hey, what happened? She goes, I saw the razor blade and I was like, where did you get it? And she shows me, you know, like a three ring binder, how it has that thin plastic lining like over the cardboard cover. So there was like a 1 inch slit in the scene. And she like shows it to me and she goes, I hid razor blue blades in here.

[C]

I feel.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What is your reaction? Okay.

[F]

I just like, okay, well I'm gonna call the doctor. I call the doctor and she's like one of my favorite doctors. So she's super cool about it. And she's just like, jesus Christ. Or does a chest X ray and clear as day. Just razor blade right in the esophagus. You can see it.

[A]

Oh my gosh. How do we get that out of there?

[F]

So we had to cancel her discharge. And then they did an egd. They can just put something down there with the scope and then pull it out.

[A]

I cannot believe this woman didn't have massive bleeding on either end.

[F]

I know sometimes these people just come in like repeatedly with these self harm behaviors over and over. So it's super sad.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That would be the part that would be hard for me to navigate in your job is like when you know it's going to be repetitive. I don't know how I handle that. I would be resentful at those people. I mean, that's what it would be. I think on their third trip, I'd be like, fuck this, dude. There are people that are really, you know, can be hard.

[F]

It's really hard to keep boundaries. But also like you have to treat someone whenever they come into the emergency room. Like you have to get the razor blade out.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

The only thing that's new about this from my previous understanding of Moonchild's and was just like, I thought they were trying to act like it was an act of nature or God, but there's no way someone gets razor blades in their throat.

[C]

Well, she said I swallowed it.

[A]

I know, I know.

[C]

I thought the same thing.

[A]

It's like you can't be faking.

[F]

Yeah. Maybe they fake it more with family. I'm not sure. And then hospital staff, it's just like really apparent. But people get really good and creative and like you said, like it's really common among healthcare workers. People that are really good at navigating the system. I think they're like the most successful at it.

[A]

Nurses have like the highest rate.

[D]

Yeah.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

From beginning to end. That was horrifying.

[A]

There's so much to be grateful for that you just aren't like, I'm not at all needing Moonchild to feel seen.

[C]

I know. Swallowing razor blades.

[A]

Jesus. It's so extreme.

[C]

To me, I'm like, this is Munch Houson's mixed with psychopathy. I mean, looking you in the face and saying, this is where I hit it. That is Silence of the Lambs.

[F]

There was, like, a weird vibe for sure.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, well, Josie, this has been a delight. Yeah. Thank you so much.

[D]

Yeah.

[F]

Thank you, guys. It was so good to talk to you and. Yeah. Have a good rest of your day.

[A]

Take care. Carry on the good work.

[E]

All right, see ya.

[A]

I'm gonna ask you a question and it's not gonna go well, and I'm still gonna ask you.

[C]

Oh, I love when you choose that.

[A]

It's like I can't resist my impulse control. I guess that Ohio. Guess when I knew he was in Ohio, that was.

[C]

I gave that to you.

[A]

I know. I'm now wondering, is there something wrong with you?

[B]

Well, just.

[A]

That was. Was crazy.

[C]

It was sim. It was guessy.

[A]

But, like, I knew Ohio.

[C]

So what are you thinking?

[A]

I don't know. I just think it needs more thought on my end.

[E]

Why?

[C]

It's not bad. It's cool.

[A]

I like it. Yeah. I'm just wondering, like, what leads to that decision?

[C]

Why'd you pick it?

[A]

That's what I'm wrestling with right now. It's like I just looked at that room and him and I was like, I think we're in Ohio. Like, I could just feel that we were in Ohio.

[C]

Yeah. Was it like his beard?

[A]

He was a factor, but the room was a huge factor.

[C]

The room, the room. How could the room be affected?

[A]

I know, I'm agreeing with. That's what I'm wrestling with right now.

[C]

I know, but I don't want you to wrestle because I think you should just be like, wow, I have a power like Ricky has where he can do that thing with the TTRD or whatever. Exactly.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

He can do that. You can do this. You're just really good at thin slicing location.

[A]

I think because I did travel so much for the car show thing maybe, and then doing movies, I don't know. Something.

[C]

Yeah. Well, on the next fact check, I'm gonna just show you people in an environment and I'm going to know where they are.

[F]

Okay.

[A]

I'm afraid to do that, cuz. Well, cuz I want to hang on to this a little bit, and then that sounds like I'm going to fail.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

It's like throwing out data you don't like.

[C]

I get it. That's all right.

[A]

All right. Love you.

[F]

Love you.

[A]

Do you want to sing a tune or something? We know a theme song. Oh, okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of armchairies, we'll get some suggestions on the fly rhyme dish. On the fly rhyme dish.

[B]

Enjoy.