Armchair Anonymous: Funny Pregnancy

Summary

Armchair Expert: Armchair Anonymous – Funny Pregnancy

Host: Dax Shepard
Cohost: Monica Padman
Date: March 20, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this lively episode of Armchair Anonymous, Dax Shepard and Monica Padman invite listeners to share their most outlandish, hilarious, and unexpected pregnancy stories. The result is a compilation of heartwarming, mortifying, and jaw-dropping tales that celebrate the bizarre side of bringing new humans into the world—from extra nipples to wild nose ring discoveries, bathroom mishaps, and babies born in the least expected places. The tone is warm, candid, and celebratory of humanity’s “messiness,” making it both entertaining and relatable.

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Key Discussion Points & Callers’ Stories

1. Extra Nipples and Medical Marvel (Caller: "Mackenzie")

Segment Start: [03:18]

• Setup: Mackenzie from North Carolina shares her mortifying but amusing pregnancy experience.
• The Story: While pregnant with her second child during COVID (2020), Mackenzie discovers two strange lumps under her arms. Fearing cancer (as it runs in her family), she visits her doctor, who exclaims mid-exam:

  “Oh my gosh. It’s a nipple.” ([07:44], Mackenzie’s doctor)

• Medical Oddity: The doctor had never seen this before and calls in others to witness “lactating” extra nipples.

  “He runs out into the hallway. He’s like, I gotta get someone else to see this.” ([08:11], Mackenzie)

• Resolution: A breast specialist later explains these “accessory nipples” are more common than Mackenzie thought—and can run down the entire arm.

  “Oh, honey, you have got it good. I’ve seen it all down people’s arms.” ([09:13], Breast Specialist)

• Ongoing Gag: Friends now joke about her being a “super producer” for breastfeeding her babies, possibly because of her “extra equipment.”
• Decision: She debates surgical removal but is concerned about scarring and being upsold plastic surgery.

  “I had a consult with a plastic surgeon… they were like, ‘Well, honey, how do you feel about your breasts right now?’” ([10:45], Mackenzie)

• Humor & Reflection: The experience becomes a running joke among friends; Mackenzie ties her pseudonym choice to her college friends and reflects on generational openness about addiction recovery in her family.

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2. Explosive Pregnancy Reveal (Caller: Aisha)

Segment Start: [20:35]

• Setting: Aisha, on a work trip in El Salvador, describes her first pregnancy test with her husband in an extremely small apartment bathroom.
• The Story:
  • They take the test together, holding hands in cramped quarters.
  • The moment the positive result appears, Aisha is overcome with excitement—and “instantly have explosive diarrhea.” ([21:54], Aisha)

  • “I locked eyes with my husband...I am just shaking and instantly have explosive diarrhea.” ([21:54], Aisha)

  • Fortunately, she was already on the toilet (“It was perfect!”).
  • Their laughter is tinged with shock at the sheer number of life changes in a minute.
• Bittersweet Turn:
  • Aisha shares that her son was born extremely premature and passed away after seven hours.

    “Even though I wish he was here, the greatest gift is to be able to share his life even though he’s not here.” ([23:37], Aisha)

  • She adds that listening to Armchair Expert helped her through another NICU stay with her younger daughter.
• Gratitude & Shoutouts: Aisha concludes by sending love to her family and friends who are also fans.

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3. The Disappearing Nose Ring (Caller: Emmy)

Segment Start: [25:11]

• Background: Emmy, from Kentucky, recounts a decade-long mystery involving her long-lost nose ring.
• The Story:
  • In 2008, Emmy loses her nose ring, searches for it, but is forced to buy another.
  • Years later, during pregnancy with her first child (2015), Emmy develops preeclampsia and is on strict bed rest.
  • On New Year’s Eve, she blows her nose—only to find the missing nose ring embedded in her tissue.

    “I blow my nose in the tissue. Is the nose ring from 2008.” ([29:59], Emmy) “Seven years, this fucking…” ([30:05], Dax)

  • The ring had apparently lived in her sinus for seven years, calcified from the journey.
• Panel’s Reactions:
  • Dax expresses astonishment at the lack of pain and marvels at the “euphoria” of getting something significant out of your body (leading to a kink chat).
  • Monica wonders “what else could be up there,” and Emmy jokes she didn’t keep the ring as a memento.
• Family Moment: Emmy’s now 10-year-old son Redding, a big fan of Armchair, joins to say hi—delighting Dax and Monica.

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4. Baby in the Pants (Caller: Heidi)

Segment Start: [40:09]

• Setting: Heidi from Alberta, Canada, recounts the birth of her third child.
• The Story:
  • After castor oil to induce labor and a slow start (her husband even takes a shower), contractions intensify during the drive to the hospital.
  • Halfway there, Heidi feels an urgent need “to take a big dump,” but soon realizes—

    “With something’s coming out, stop. And it’s not from my butt.” ([43:37], Heidi)

  • She discovers the baby’s head is crowning (“I feel a head-shaped bulge”).
  • Heidi power-walks into the ER, feeling like she’s starring in Grey’s Anatomy, when—mid-hallway—the baby “slipped out onto the floor,” ending up in her sweatpants.

    “Her whole body slipped out onto the floor. I am wearing like a pair of three quarter length sweatpants and her head was kind of like at my knee. And then her body was up my thigh.” ([47:07], Heidi)

  • The hospital staff rush to help; baby needs NICU care but recovers. Heidi’s husband Brian, late after parking, walks in amazed.

    “He looks at me and he goes like, what happened?” ([50:02], Heidi)

  • The family now jokes about dad’s “timely shower” and parking spot.
• Family Moment: Heidi’s three children join the call, sharing their favorite episodes and stories, especially the infamous mouse-and-water-bottle incident.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Mackenzie’s Doctor:

  “Oh my gosh. I’ve never seen this!” ([07:59])

• Mackenzie (on friends’ reactions):

  “It might be the extra nipples. I don’t know. Maybe my body just does a lot.” ([09:34])

• Dax (on extra nipples):

  “He signed up for two boobs and he got four.” ([11:01])

• Aisha (on the reveal):

  “I locked eyes with my husband...and instantly have explosive diarrhea.” ([21:54])

• Emmy (nose ring surprise):

  “I blow my nose in the tissue. Is the nose ring from 2008.” ([29:59])

• Dax (relief kink):

  “There is such euphoria attached to that...It’s like, I’m extracting the devil out of myself.” ([32:33])

• Heidi (as the baby is born):

  “I just had a baby in my pants.” ([47:55])

• Brian (the husband, walking in):

  “What happened?” ([50:02])

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [03:18] – Mackenzie’s extra nipples reveal and medical-marvel tale
• [20:35] – Aisha’s explosive pregnancy reveal story
• [25:11] – Emmy’s nose ring mystery solved after seven years
• [40:09] – Heidi’s baby-in-the-pants delivery saga

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Recurring Themes & Tone

• The value of vulnerability and celebrating “messy” humanity (“Pregnancy can go all kinds of ways.” – Monica [00:09]).
• The communal joy of sharing embarrassing stories—turning private shame into public laughter and solidarity.
• Lighthearted banter, especially around bodily oddities and unexpected pregnancy outcomes.
• Heartfelt moments, as many callers share both the humor and hardships woven through their journeys.

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Final Thoughts

This Armchair Anonymous episode is a hilariously candid collection of pregnancy tales that highlight the unpredictable—and often humbling—nature of the human body. Dax and Monica maintain a safe, celebratory space for callers to revel in their own absurdity, peppered with “Nice to meet you!” moments for the families and children of passionate listeners. The message is clear: If weird things happen to you, you are not alone—and sometimes, you just have to laugh about it.

Transcript

[A]

Welcome, welcome. Welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepherd. I'm joined by Lily Padman.

[B]

Hi.

[A]

Today we have Funny pregnancy stories.

[B]

Pregnancy can go all kinds of ways.

[A]

It really can. You know, we often get gifted evacs in our other prompts, and anytime that happens, I'm just grateful.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

The universe is smiling on us.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[C]

I thought this could be a prank. I'm like, maybe it's not.

[A]

It might yet still be.

[C]

AI is pretty powerful, so you never know.

[A]

Maybe a love someone coordinated something and there's be a pop out. Ooh, ooh.

[C]

That would be extra special.

[A]

What fake name do you want?

[C]

Okay, I'm gonna use Mackenzie. I don't think I look like a Mackenzie, but I'll tie it in later. Why I chose that name.

[A]

Are you allowed to tell us where you're at? Mackenzie?

[C]

Yes, I'm in North Carolina.

[B]

Oh, what part?

[C]

I'm in the Raleigh Durham area. And Monica, I did marry a Georgia bulldog.

[B]

Who?

[A]

Congrats.

[C]

He graduated in 2010.

[B]

I mean, I graduated in 2009.

[A]

Maybe he had a crush on.

[B]

Was he in the.

[C]

No, he was not in theater. Although I would love to see him in theater. That would be incredible.

[B]

Was he in public relations or the Grady School of Communications?

[C]

No, he was in finance. And then he took a class at the end of college that was like, how to pick a major just for like an easy grade. And the last thing he should do was finance on the list. He was like, oh, why?

[A]

Aww, oopsies.

[C]

It's okay, he's doing great.

[A]

But maybe he booty bumped over at the spot you were pre quitting?

[B]

Oh, sure. I'm sure we ran into each other.

[C]

I did not even know what the SEC was when we started dating. And then I was like, I will take on the Georgia Bulldogs. What do I need to learn?

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Okay, so you have a funny pregnancy story.

[C]

I do. I am mortified that this is the story that was chosen of all my submissions. Just to paint the picture. I have three beautiful kids. Love them so much. So I've been pregnant three times, and pregnancy for me is not a glamorous experience. Some people are glowing. Some people feel better than ever. I am not. The only glow is like sweat and nausea coming off of me. So all of my pregnancy feels like I'm living in this sort of Bubble, like, it's not even really happening. It's funny. When I had my third child actually in 2024, I gave birth. The whole thing. Like, is the baby okay? Are we good? And then I looked at my husband and I said, I'm not pregnant anymore. And high five Tim on the delivery. I don't think I'd even pushed out the placenta yet. As soon as I give birth to that baby, I feel better. I'm like, get me a sandwich. Get me. It's a bizarre thing. Wow.

[A]

I was going to ask if you had boys. Do you have all boys?

[C]

I have girl. Boy.

[B]

Boy.

[A]

Okay. And is it true? Did you find that the nausea was worse for the boys and the girls?

[C]

100%. It was from beginning to literally pushing that baby out. So my daughter. I was only sick for, like, 20 weeks of it, but the boys were

[A]

the full time, only 20.

[B]

Horrifying.

[C]

Nothing touches it. Not Zofran, nothing. Like, I mean, I've tried all the things. And then people will be like, have you tried lemon water? And I'm like, have you tried throwing lemon water up? I've done it, and it's terrible. So anyways, just a humbling experience all around is what I'm getting at. Pregnancy. So this story takes place in 2020. I was pregnant with my second. A weird time to be pregnant. I mean, Covid happened during this, and it was so scary. The doctors were like, don't go anywhere. Don't do anything. And I'm such a rule follower. I was very stressed about it.

[A]

Really quick. I had a glass half full take on being pregnant during COVID because we knew a few people that were. And I was like, the upside is, normally when you're pregnant, you feel like you're missing out on a bunch of shit 100%. And you're not missing on anything. You're doing the exact same thing. Everyone.

[C]

And my husband was working from home, and then it was great with the C section because he was working from home for that. And you're not supposed to pick up anything heavier than your baby, which is impossible as a mom with other kids. So I'd be like, can you get her out of the crib, please? But for someone who is rule follower and scared of germs, it's a lot to handle. So during the course of this just bizarre season, I start to feel two little lumps, I guess, underneath my arms.

[A]

Ooh.

[C]

So as a woman, you are immediately terrified.

[A]

You're like, I have breast cancer and

[C]

it runs in the family. So I Send a message to the doctor, like, we do need you to come in. That felt really serious because they weren't just really having you come in for anything. They were even like, skipping regular appointments. I go into the office, there's a nurse and there's a doctor who is older, which I actually love. An older doctor. I'm like, you've seen it all. I feel like you know what you're doing? You're not googling stuff in the back. Like, you know. So he's doing the exam. Monica, I'm sure you've experienced this exam. You're wearing that super cool front open shirt thing.

[A]

Cool.

[C]

And he's feeling these spots and he's like, huh, this is interesting. I'm like, oh, my gosh, I'm so scared. And he starts to feel one of the spots and he goes, oh, my gosh. And I'm like, what? He goes, it's a nipple.

[A]

No, wait, what?

[C]

I know my sister was like, dax is going to have a lot of follow ups on this. But here's what he does. Instead of being like, okay, honey, you're all right. You appear to have grown an extra nipple in pregnancy. He goes, oh, my gosh. I've never seen this.

[B]

What?

[C]

In all my years. And squeezes it and milk comes out.

[A]

It's lactating.

[B]

I've heard about this. Because there's like breast tissue that goes up into your arm.

[C]

Oh, I'm so glad it's not cancer. And then I'm like, what is happening? He runs out into the hallway. He's like, I gotta get someone else to see this. So the other doctors are coming in, marveling at it, like, oh, my gosh. They're like, you're right, it does produce milk. And I'm like, what do I do?

[A]

Well, they've heard about this medically and they haven't seen it. And they are pumped.

[B]

This is an episode of Friends. Ross's thing.

[A]

Oh, it is.

[C]

What do they call it? The, like, nubbin or something?

[B]

No, no, that's Chandler's nubbin.

[C]

I'm like, it's not even just one extra nipple. It's two extra nipples. Like, how embarrassing is that? So anyways, I am left feeling like, okay, I'm a freak show. Should I just go join the circus? Everyone is marveling at it. And he would come in and show somebody. But watch what happens when I squeeze it.

[B]

Oh, wow, this guy.

[C]

They refer me to, like, a breast specialist that they have. And I go in and see her and I'm like, I'm sure you've never seen this before. I know I'm the only one in America who's ever had this. And she's like, oh, honey, you have got it good. I've seen it all down people's arms.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Multiple nipples running down the arm.

[C]

She said, you can get them anywhere. And she was like, honey, you're lucky that it's just in your armpit. And I was like, okay, well, thanks. I don't know what to say. And she said, you can even get mastitis.

[A]

Sure, yeah. Clogged.

[C]

I was really lucky that that did not happen. But it's kind of like a running joke in my friend group that I have this great milk supply. Cause my babies get so fat so fast and I am not like a big person. So it's just always shocking. Like, how'd you have baby? I'm like, it might be the extra nipples. I don't know. Maybe my body just does a lot.

[A]

You're a super producer. Hold on though. You're back at the doc. She's saying, don't worry, these could be up and down your arm. That's comforting. But my next thought would be, okay, so how do we remove them? Were you thinking like, oh, I'm gonna get these removed?

[C]

Yes. I was like, so what do I do? And she was like, honey, I'd just leave it. And I was like, well, I don't want to.

[B]

Can you see it?

[C]

Yeah. You can? Okay. It's right there. Oh, do you see it?

[A]

Yeah. It's cute though. It looks like an ingrown hair then.

[B]

Yeah, it just looks like a teeny tiny bump.

[C]

I'm not pregnant or nursing right now, so there's no swelling with it, but you could still just think it's like arm fat that everybody has.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I actually recently went back to the doctor and she was like, we can remove it. I was kind of worried about scarring because I'm like, is it worse to have a scar or to have a nipple? I mean, these are deep, hard hitting questions. I had a consult with a plastic surgeon, which turned into a whole thing. It was on the phone with them for 30 minutes. They didn't understand. I was like, just trying to get the extra nipples removed. They were like, well, honey, how do you feel about your breast right now?

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

Trying to upsell you a little bit.

[C]

100%. I was like, well, I mean, I've nursed three babies. Who does feel good after that?

[B]

The doctors in this story suck. Mine is that one lady.

[C]

Yes. She's like, I got you down for a fat transfer and we're gonna remove. I'm like, no, no, no.

[B]

I'm literally just trying to remove.

[C]

But I didn't wanna make her feel bad cause it's her job. And I'm like, well, duh. Like everyone goes here to do this. So anyways, I will get the surgery at some point. Logistically, I need to find a time when I can actually do that. Cause I have three young kids.

[A]

For the listener, I want to say, because my mind immediately went to. You also had two new areolas. That's not the case.

[C]

No, it's a teeny tiny and it's

[A]

still all skin colored.

[C]

Yeah. I told my sister. I was like, dax is going to ask about areolas. I know it.

[A]

Well, I think when you hear nipple, you're associated immediately with a nipple. Think of the whole thing, the whole package.

[C]

Soup, nuts, maybe it's a cautionary tale. You too may have a nipple and not know it.

[B]

I probably do.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, it looks like when I've had a clogged hair follicle in my armpit and then I wrench on them as if it's a normal pimple.

[B]

It just looks like a little skin tag.

[A]

What did your husband have to say about it? I mean, that's great. He signed up for two boobs and he got four.

[B]

Yeah. Does he ever suck on it?

[C]

You don't have to answer that.

[B]

You don't have to answer that.

[C]

We were just laughing. I told him, I have so many funny stories. I'm one of those people that just bizarre things happen to me. So I'll always be like, I've got a prompt. And then I told him. I was like, oh my gosh. I got selected for Armchair Anonymous. He's like, what story is it? I was like, it's the nipple.

[D]

It's great.

[B]

I think a lot of people feel very seen right now.

[C]

Yes, totally.

[B]

I have a lot of breast tissue in my armpit.

[C]

Yes. And I think a lot of women do assume it's fat. I know someone who there's like plastic surgery you can do on that area. And when she had it done, they were like, oh, that was actually breast tissue that wasn't fat.

[B]

You can tell when you're PMSing and your boobs hurt. I can feel it in my armpit.

[C]

So. Monica, watch out.

[B]

Oh my God.

[C]

I truly felt like a science experiment in there with everyone laughing and coming in.

[A]

Well, your sister was right. I have a couple follow up questions. So one is mastitis is something that. Well, I guess it varies among people, but certainly it was something that Kristin had to deal with several times, and I even had to help at one point. This is a story that came public. But at any rate, were you having to express these other nipples to prevent getting mastitis?

[C]

No, I think that can happen to some people. Another thing is, like, it's gonna stop producing milk. You know, that's how you, like, wean a baby. You stop nursing them. And so. Because I wasn't nursing a baby on them, but you could have.

[B]

You could have been like, my boobs tired. Suck on my armpit, baby.

[C]

It was really something.

[A]

It reminds me of an episode of Taxi Cab Confessions, this great reality show that was on hbo. Early on, it was real people that took cab rides, and then the people would talk to them, crazy stories would come out. And this gal had had a breast augmentation after her last pregnancy. She just was lactating since that point for years, long after she stopped breastfeeding. Yes, that was. The uncommon results of that augmentation is that she was producing milk indefinitely. All kinds of things can happen.

[B]

Sounds tough.

[A]

They seemed to like it. This couple, they were.

[B]

He was drinking.

[A]

Well, this wasn't a story she was ashamed of. They were excited. She actually pulled her boob out in the cab and demonstrated that milk came out. It was a female cab driver. She was great at getting stories out of people.

[B]

Wow. To each their own. Oh, well, that's a great story.

[A]

Yeah. Extra nipples. That's a shocker. I hadn't heard of that.

[C]

I would love to explain why I use the name Mackenzie. Oh, yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay. So I texted my college friends. They know how much I love this podcast. I was like, guys, I don't know if I want to go out in the world with this. And now everyone I know is looking closely at my armpits and Mackenzie text. She said, use my name. Heck, I don't care. And so she's actually living all the way in Japan right now with her family. So shout out to her and all my friends who were just so pumped to hear that I was coming on this podcast. I love it. And then both of my grandparents on my dad's side were in aa. I remember as a young kid going to an AA meeting with my grandfather to get one of his, like, sobriety coins. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was just thinking about how cool it is. I'm two generations removed from that and how from a young age, we talked about aa, we talked about addiction and what you're Doing is like, shaping the next generations. Like, I think it's a different way to think down the line about it. And it has really blessed our family, just the openness about that.

[A]

Oh, wonderful. Did they have corny sayings and bumper stickers? Were they all in? Did they have, like, the One day at a time hung up?

[C]

They didn't have any stickers. He just had his little coins. And when he passed away, we all got a coin and it was really sweet.

[A]

Yeah. That's my favorite thing I have of my dad's is his box of coins. Mailed one of them to Aaron.

[C]

Oh, that's awesome.

[A]

Well, thank you.

[C]

I didn't think this was gonna be my gateway into this, but here we are. I love it.

[B]

I'm so glad.

[A]

We'll take it. Great meeting you, Mackenzie.

[C]

Great to meet you guys. Bye.

[A]

Take care.

[B]

Hello.

[A]

Hello. Do I pronounce your name? Aisha.

[D]

Aisha.

[A]

Aisha. Where are you, Aisha?

[D]

I am actually in a work trip. I'm in El Salvador right now.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

What the hell are you doing in El Salvador?

[D]

Well, I'm here with my church and we're doing some site visits with some communities that we help.

[A]

Ok. It looks gorgeous behind you right now.

[D]

I have a really nice view of the Pacific Ocean.

[B]

Oh, wow. What time is it there?

[D]

It is 3:00pm oh, all right.

[A]

Two hours later.

[B]

What happens in the next two hours? That's my favorite joke.

[A]

Where do you live normally?

[D]

So I am actually not far from Robbie. I'm in Lake Zurich, Illinois.

[A]

Wobby Wob. Do you know that?

[E]

I do.

[A]

And do we think Wobby Wob's like the cutest boy ever from Chicago? I do.

[D]

Oh, absolutely. And I follow him for all the restaurant tips and everything. He's my travel guy.

[A]

He kind of is a travel guide. He should have some kind of newsletter or something. Thank you to our presenting sponsor, Apple TV, the new U.S. home of Formula One. You can now watch complete all access live coverage of every Grand Prix, including practice, qualifying and sprints, all in one place. I will be consuming all of those things, Monica.

[B]

I know you will.

[A]

I kill for Friday to start watching practice One following. And on a sprint weekend. Oh, my gosh. Two races. And this season brings a ton of new energy to the sport. New teams like Cadillac and Audi just joining the grid. New drivers stepping into major seats. Lando Norris defending his first World Driver's Championship. And all eyes on Lewis Hamilton in his second season with Ferrari. And a brand new circuit in Madrid, plus a new US home for Formula One. You can watch every race live only on Apple TV. Watch on Apple devices, Android devices, smart TV, streaming devices, gaming consoles or on the web at tv.apple.com all part of one Apple TV subscription alongside hundreds of exclusive shows and movies. Watch the Formula One Japanese Grand Prix live on Sunday, March 29 at 1am Eastern or watch race replays on demand anytime Only on Apple TV, the new US home of F1. This episode is brought to you by Walden University. So here's something I've been thinking about. There are people out there who want to make real change. Not just talk about it, but actually do it. Maybe it's advancing in their career. Maybe it's making a difference in their community. And they're working full time, juggling life, wondering if going back to school is even possible. That's where Walden University comes in. For over 50 years, they've been helping working professionals get the w, the knowledge, the skills, the confidence to build the future they actually want. Here's what makes it work. Walden's Tempo Learning means you're in control. No rigid weekly deadlines, no set schedules. You move through your degree at your own pace, on your terms. And you're learning from faculty who've actually been there. Scholars and practitioners with real world experience, 94% of whom hold doctoral degrees. If you've been waiting for the right moment, this is it. Head to WaldenU.edu and take that first step. Walden University Set a course for change. Certified to operate by Chevrolet. This episode is brought to you by Apple. There's nothing like your first Mac. When I got mine, I remember opening up and immediately feeling like, ugh, this just makes sense. Everything felt intuitive and instead of fumbling around trying to figure it out, I could just get right into what I was doing. Writing, creating, getting things done. It all felt easy in a way that really stuck with me. That's how I felt with my first Mac. How will you check out the all new MacBook Neo, an amazing Mac at a surprising price. Find out more on apple.com Mac we are supported by Kodiak I'm always looking for breakfast options. You know this Monica. Yes, I need them that are actually quick but don't make me feel like garbage an hour later. And that's why I keep Kodiak frozen waffles and pancakes stocked in my freezer. Here's what I love about them. They're packed with 12 to 14 grams of protein per serving and they're made with 100% whole grains. And they're a good source of fiber. So you're Actually getting something that fuels you. Not just empty calories. They've got tons of flavors. Buttermilk and vanilla, blueberry chocolate chip. Even gluten free. Ding, ding, ding. And they've got something for everyone. Power waffles, thick and fluffy waffles, frozen pancakes, and even breakfast sandwiches. Literally just heat and eat. I mean, I'm all over those gluten free options.

[B]

Really delicious.

[A]

Absolutely. And then just the bang for the buck on the protein cannot be beat. You can find Kodiak power waffles and buttermilk power flapjacks in the freezer aisle at your local grocery store. It's comfort food with purpose. Okay, so you had a funny pregnancy.

[D]

I do have a funny pregnancy story. Okay, so let's set the scene. I am newlywed about probably a year into my marriage, and we had started talking about, okay, I think we're ready to start a family. Setting the scene. We live in a very small apartment. One bed, one bath. And I'm late on my period. So I'm like, okay, I think I got a test in my mind. I had this whole beautiful idea of how I would tell my husband if I was pregnant. I had started planning it out, like, I'm going to do this whole thing. But the suspense got the best of me. And one evening I was just like, you know what? I can't even wait anymore. Let's just go get the test. I told my husband, I'm like, I think I'm pregnant. So you want to test with me? And he was like, oh, my God, yes. What? Let's do this. So we go into our little bathroom, our door, they had to cut out a space for the toilet. So when it opened so that it would go over the toilet, like, that's how small. It's very small. We're like knee to knee. And I'm in there and I'm gonna do the deed.

[A]

You're gonna pee on the stick. For anyone who doesn't know how this

[D]

works, yes, I'm gonna pee on the stick. He's in there with me. We're holding hands. We're like, our life is potentially about to change forever. We get the results, the two lines pop up. I am pregnant. We instantly lock eyes, and I am just shaking and instantly have explosive diarrhea.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

But it's perfect. Cause you're on the toilet.

[D]

I was. It was perfect.

[B]

Wow.

[D]

I don't know what made me stay

[B]

sitting on the toilet.

[D]

Cause usually you would pee and then you get up, Right? But I stayed on the Toilet.

[B]

Your body knew.

[A]

Well, there wasn't room. It doesn't sound like to move around with him in there.

[D]

There was not. Locke died with my husband and I. To the cats, you guys were talk the seven kingdoms. That scene. Picture that.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

That's what's happening.

[A]

Fire hosey.

[B]

Yeah, fire hose squirting.

[D]

My body was just letting it.

[B]

It just released everything.

[A]

I would have said, oh, it's a boy.

[D]

It was a boy dancer.

[A]

Yeah, of course it was.

[B]

They're such rascals. Oh, man.

[A]

We're wreaking havoc from the. The second we're made. Oh, did you guys just start dying laughing?

[D]

I was, like, laughing all things, and he just kind of was frozen. Like, I don't know what to do right now.

[B]

A lot of things happened very quickly.

[D]

He became a dad. He saw his wife herself.

[E]

Good.

[D]

It was a lot to take in.

[A]

It's a good primer for what's coming

[B]

with the baby blowouts.

[D]

100%.

[B]

Oh, man.

[A]

And how old is that little boy now, Actually?

[D]

I actually went into preterm labor with him at about 24 weeks gestation, and he was with us for seven hours before he passed away.

[E]

So sorry.

[A]

So sorry.

[D]

It's okay. You know what? He may not be with us right now, but I get to share him with the world through stories like this.

[B]

So, yeah, that's beautiful.

[D]

You know, even though I wish he was here, the greatest gift is to be able to share his life even though he's not here. And so this is, like, the best that I could be sharing myself with you guys. I'm just so honored.

[B]

We're honored that we got to hear this story.

[D]

I have a beautiful five year old now. She was in the NICU for about three months. She was born early, too. And you guys lived in my ears through that whole experience, and you guys were a way for me to escape some of the hard stuff that I was going through. I started listening because I wanted to escape. But listening to you guys, really, what that did to me was remind me that I want to be present and I want to live this life, and I want to experience the wonderful things and the hard things that you both have done such a beautiful job at painting a mosaic of this life experience that we all get to be living right now. And so thank you so much.

[A]

Thank you. You just lifted my spirits like crazy. And congrats on your little girl.

[D]

Thank you so much. I have lots of people that love you guys as well. I would love to shout out my mom, Dee, and I would love to shout out Ashley and Maria and Emily and my daughter Ava, who also listens to armchair. Lots of beautiful conversations.

[A]

Yeah, it's a thought starter.

[B]

Sure.

[D]

Her teacher says. Wow, she has a lot of background knowledge.

[B]

Thank you for chatting with us.

[A]

Yeah, it's so nice to meet you.

[B]

Have a great rest of your trip.

[D]

Love you guys.

[A]

All right, bye.

[B]

Hi. I love your tiny mic.

[A]

Yeah, this is the first time we've ever had anyone with a tiny mic and it immediately makes me think of all those funny Instagram videos. Videos.

[F]

Oh, it's definitely because I make TikTok videos. Yeah, I was trying to be super professional.

[B]

It's great.

[A]

Emmy, where are you?

[F]

I am in Bardstown, Kentucky.

[A]

Okay. We don't get enough callers from Kentucky.

[B]

I know.

[F]

I actually was listening to one the other day. I got excited to hear her talking about Kentucky. And I get excited hearing you talking about Tennessee too.

[A]

And did you get excited when we had Chris Stapleton on? He was talking about eastern Kentucky.

[F]

Absolutely. I just saw him this summer.

[A]

You did? Was he spectacular?

[F]

Amazing.

[A]

Okay, so, Emmy, are you a transplant to Kentucky or did you grow up there as well?

[F]

Grew up in Kentucky. Owensboro, Kentucky. So third largest town in Kentucky, but now moved to Bardstown just by way of job and career college.

[A]

And Kentucky's on the come up, right? It's kind of growing as well. Like Tennessee.

[F]

Yeah, we're growing a little bit.

[A]

I've been eyeing some farmland over there.

[F]

Have you? That would be amazing.

[A]

It's so beautiful. It's crazy.

[F]

It's gorgeous. My family has a cabin on Lake Malone, so every time you talk about your lake house and boating. I've grew up on a lake, so I get excited to hear you talk about it.

[A]

Boats season's coming. Okay, so you have a funny pregnancy story.

[F]

So my story starts back in 2008. I was 24 years old in grad school, kind of like in my indie era. Had a hoop nose ring. And I was cool girl, or trying to be anyway. And I had this one particular store that I like to shop for nose rings. I couldn't find what I wanted everywhere. So I had this one place I wanted to go. And so that just sticks in my mind because if I lost a nose ring, I had to go back to that one store. So, Monica, I don't know if you ever had any face piercings or anything, but if you do, you're drying your face. You sleep in the night, sometimes it can come out, you can lose your nose ring. So that would happen sometimes in this one Particular time I was looking for my nose ring. I was looking in my bed sheets, I was looking at my pillowcases. I couldn't find it. So inconvenience. I got to go to that one particular store and pick up my nose ring. So again, I'm in grad school. I'm starting an internship. I'm starting to become a little more professional. I was studying to be a school psychologist. So as I was kind of growing in my profession, I started wearing my nose ring less and less. You know, I wasn't wearing it to work, so it would only be an evening thing. Then it only became weekends. Then it became never. So it kind of just aged out. Now I've just got a scar on my face.

[A]

Will it close up like your ears or no?

[F]

Yes, it's closed up. I can't get anything in there now. It's just this hole that's there that I wish wasn't there. But what are you going to do?

[A]

Receipt of living, I would say.

[F]

Exactly. So in this first internship, turn, job, I met my husband. He was a special education teacher at the school where I was a school psychologist. So a little bit of a meet cute story, Monica.

[B]

I like that. It's a good pair dating, marriage.

[F]

Eventually, we're going to Fast forward to December 2015. So seven years later, I'm 31 weeks pregnant with my first baby. I go to the doctor and I had been having some elevated blood pressure, a little bit of protein in the urine. I had preeclampsia. So they sent me to the hospital for bed rest. So I was there for a couple days. They monitored lots of ultrasounds.

[A]

And can you explain quickly what preeclampsia is? I remember we were all watching the Downton ad, Abby.

[C]

Oh.

[A]

And one of the characters had preeclampsia, and the man grabbed the bedpost and collapsed with fear.

[F]

Oh, goodness.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It can be very dangerous.

[F]

Yes.

[A]

So what is it really?

[F]

Just elevated blood pressure, which then if it gets too high, you could go into seizures. Like, it's dangerous for the baby. So just lots of monitoring and then lots of fluid retention, what it can go into. And then what it actually eventually did go into for me is help syndrome. And that's like, really dangerous. So that's. I wrote it down. Hemolysis, elevated liver enzymes, low platelets. So if it gets that bad, like, for me, I had extreme back pain because my liver was distended. And then if you have low platelets, like, you can bleed out, it's really dangerous. So the only resolution is deliver the baby. It's the only way to help the baby or the mom. So I ended up with that two times with both of them.

[B]

Oh, my goodness.

[F]

Before it went there, it was still just that kind of swelling. And you're hoping that you monitored enough to not develop into health help syndrome, But I'm pre eclampsia. I'm laid up on the couch. My goal is to keep him in for six more weeks. I wanted to keep my son safe. So lots of moving from the couch to the bed, lots of chilling all through the holidays. I make it all the way to New Year's Eve on 2015 again, sitting on the couch watching the fireworks and typical pregnancy swelling. But I'm really retaining a lot of fluid because of preeclampsia. So super stuffy. I sneeze, I blow my nose in the tissue. Is the nose ring from 2008.

[B]

What? Oh, my.

[A]

Seven years, this fucking.

[B]

Stop it.

[A]

And you had no pain or any kind of inkling that it was in there?

[B]

Oh, my God.

[F]

No issues where how God gave you

[A]

preeclampsia so you could extract this nose

[B]

ring right where was in your sinus?

[F]

Yeah, I guess just living up in my head.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Thank God you didn't get, like, mercury poisoning or, like, metal.

[A]

Well, I think they have to be sterile to use as rings.

[B]

Did it look rusty?

[F]

Yeah, it was like, calcified, like, white.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

Okay, now I'm going to ask a perverse question. And I'm on record is like, if I'm working to try to get something out of my sinuses, and it's taking a long, long time. Time. And it finally comes out. And I know I share this with Aaron. There is such euphoria attached to that. It's like, oh, yeah, that's out of my body. Did you have a wave of like, oh, my God, thank God that's out.

[F]

I didn't know it was in there. I didn't feel it. So it didn't even feel any different. It was literally like, what in the world? I mean, I was in shock.

[B]

Well, it's like, what else is up there if that's up?

[A]

Car key, old Motorola cell phone.

[F]

I don't know if I would have had an MRI or something. Would there have been some sort of issue because there was metal in my face.

[A]

Might have pulled out.

[F]

I did send a picture.

[A]

Okay, great. I'm going to flip it over now. Oh, sure. Oh, I can't believe it ended up in your sinus.

[B]

Yeah, it's full Hoop still Yeah, but it's open, so there's that metal kind of hook that feels owie.

[A]

Think how many times you had colds and stuff. Wow.

[F]

Seven years is a long time for it to live up there.

[A]

I love that you brought it home because I did think at one point, what was all the nose ring chat about?

[B]

Sure, that was great.

[A]

Yeah, it was good. But somehow it didn't cue me in at all to that. That was gonna projectile out.

[F]

Right.

[B]

If it never came out, maybe it would have made its way up to your eye.

[A]

I think it just would live where it had lived for seven years or however many years.

[B]

We just don't know. And we won't know because you got it out.

[F]

Yep.

[A]

Did you put it in a loose sight box and put it on display on a shelf? I think that's warranted.

[F]

It is long gone. Get that away.

[B]

Was your husband been, like, impressed? Oh, my God.

[F]

Probably disgusted.

[A]

Man, that's a long time.

[B]

It really is. So long.

[A]

Like none of your skin was still there. Right. Like your skin replaces itself entirely. Your organs replace themselves in seven years. But this thing hung out.

[B]

This is going to be like the rat water bottle story where when people lose things, they're going to be like,

[F]

oh, it's in my face, in my nose. Yeah.

[A]

Well, the next time I'm honking around and I'm like, something's in. In there.

[B]

Yeah, you're gonna be.

[A]

I'm gonna think that I have something

[B]

from when you were 12 years old.

[A]

Like a shirt pin that someone gave me or something.

[C]

Exactly.

[A]

From Disneyland. Oh, wow. Wow, that's great, Emmy. I love that.

[F]

So five days later, I ended up having my little one and he's 10 years old now. You got a Capricorn and he is his own armchair. He loves you all. And I would love if it would be okay if he came to say hi.

[A]

Of course. You know what I mean, man. What's his name?

[F]

His name is Redding.

[B]

Reading. Great name. Hello. Hello.

[A]

Hi. Redding. Nice to meet you.

[B]

You have great hair.

[C]

Nice to meet you.

[E]

Thank you.

[A]

And you like Armchair Anonymous?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Do you have a favorite story?

[C]

I don't know. There's just so many stories. I like the Rat in the Stanley one.

[B]

Yes, yes, I just talked about that one. That one really got a lot of people.

[C]

I wouldn't think out of the Stanley after that story.

[B]

Oh, man. Well, we feel really lucky that you listen.

[A]

Yeah, we love it. It's so nice to you.

[C]

So nice to meet you all.

[A]

All right, be good.

[B]

Have a great day.

[A]

We will all Right. Take care.

[F]

Made his day. The only reason that I submitted this story is he's had this event in his life, and he's like, I have to write in. I have to tell my story. So he submitted for wild card, and

[A]

he wrote it all on his own.

[F]

And I was like, I'll submit it. But then when I went to submit, I saw pregnancy story, and I was like, well, all right, I'll throw mine in there. So. So now he got to meet you all. And I'll tell him just keep on submitting because maybe he'll have his own talk one day.

[A]

Oh, I love it. Well, lovely meeting you, Emmy. Yeah, this is fun.

[F]

Lovely meeting you all.

[B]

Bye.

[F]

Thank you.

[A]

Oh, you're such a cute boy.

[B]

Love that little boy.

[A]

Me too. I want to put him on the team, Emma.

[B]

Let's try to get that story.

[A]

Let's try to get him as an intern. Let's put him to work.

[E]

Hire him.

[B]

He did have good hair.

[E]

Hair.

[A]

Enviable hair.

[B]

And then you are gonna grow your hair out.

[A]

I'm gonna grow my hair.

[B]

And you're gonna start doing a hairband.

[A]

I always do in that tough phase.

[B]

What tough phase?

[A]

There's a tough phase?

[B]

Oh, a middle phase?

[A]

Yeah, that I hate. And it's abated with a headband.

[B]

You haven't had long hair in a while.

[A]

It's been a long time. I don't know my hair is thick enough for it anymore, but we're gonna find out.

[B]

I like it long. Are you gonna do ponies?

[A]

I'll do all kinds of, you know, I'll have fun.

[B]

Yeah, you'll have fun. Foreign.

[A]

This episode is sponsored by Better Help. So we're in March, which means it's a moment to celebrate women. And I want to take a second to acknowledge some incredible women in my life. My family, of course, and Monica, obviously, who I get to work with every day. The women on our team, the women in this industry who are constantly juggling a million things at once, they carry so much. They're managing work, relationships, family dynamics, and about a thousand invisible responsibilities that nobody sees or acknowledges. And here's what I've learned. Taking care of everyone else is exhausting. Setting boundaries, creating balance, making space for yourself. That's not selfish. That's necessary. And therapy can be a really powerful tool for that. It's a space to work through the pressures, the expectations, the roles we all play. Betterhelp makes it easier to get started. They match you with a licensed therapist based on your needs. And if it's not the right fit. You can switch anytime. Your emotional well being matters. Find support and feel lighter in therapy. Therapy. Sign up and get 10 [e-mail] Dax that's betterhelp.com Dax Xfinity tech support. How can I help? I can't get Jurassic park back online without. Oh, you just need Xfinity. Plug in your gateway and you're good. All set. Luckily, Xfinity has reliable self healing WI fi that keeps you safe from threats. Wow. You can even boost speeds to your most important devices.

[C]

Get reliable WI fi at one price for five years guaranteed Xfinity. Imagine that. Watch Jurassic park with Xfinity restrictions apply.

[F]

Select plans only.

[B]

Oh, my God. A nose ring up there.

[A]

Oh, that would have been my key pink if I had to call in.

[E]

Oh, anything.

[A]

Like on. If you pop a pimple in it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's like I just think about it over and over again. If I get something significant out of my nose in your butt, I think about it.

[B]

Yeah, but you don't get that with peeing, do you?

[A]

No.

[E]

And it doesn't arouse you.

[A]

It doesn't arouse me. But it also is definitely. There's something else. Yes. There's something titillating about it, but I'm not like, horny from it.

[B]

Yeah, but it's like, oh, it's abnormal.

[A]

It feels like such relief. Relief. Like, oh, that's out. Oh, I'm so grateful. It's like, I'm grateful. It's gratitude. It's a lot of stuff. Do you get that or.

[B]

No, I don't.

[A]

What about when you would have like a bad pimple? That was one of your cystics and you would finally get it. And you're not supposed to, but you do it and then it's just so you're like, oh, yeah, that. That's out.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I think we've talked about this. I do like that feeling. You're saying that you relive that moment. I definitely, definitely don't do that. I'm like, it feels good that it's done.

[A]

Your brain doesn't record that visual and play it on a loop?

[B]

No.

[A]

Oh, my God. Mine does.

[B]

Not at all.

[A]

I have one. We're two months, three months out from it. There's one that plays in my head at least once a day.

[B]

Yeah, that's a kink.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But do you have it about other people?

[A]

No. I hate those pimple popping videos and stuff.

[B]

That is interesting.

[A]

It's just me getting rid of. Of my poisons and my character defects and all the bad things.

[C]

Maybe that's what it's like.

[A]

It is. It's like I'm extracting the devil out of myself.

[B]

You know what I do? This is really gross. Now everyone's going to look. This is like the girl with the nipple. I like, don't want to say it. I, like, play with my legs a lot. Any part of it where there's like a hair follicle. I'm always playing with it and scratching it and trying to get it clean.

[A]

Yes. You don't pinch, pinch, though?

[B]

I sometimes pinch, but I. I also know how to, like, get under and then get it out. But, you know, my legs look wild

[A]

from all that activity.

[B]

It's not. I do.

[A]

They're not camera ready.

[B]

My legs are not a good look.

[A]

But then in the summer, you can blast all that out with some tan

[B]

a little bit also, because, you know, I used to shave dry, so I've done some real damage to these legs.

[A]

Shave dry sounds terrible.

[B]

I had places to be in, places to go.

[A]

I gave it a dry shave. Shave.

[B]

I would do it because I had cheerleading practice and I was a flyer. So, like, I didn't want my legs to be here, and I didn't. I did not have time.

[A]

You're talking dead dry.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

Oh, I know. My friend Gina really hated it for

[A]

me to get a little bit.

[B]

Listen, I do what I have to do.

[A]

I kind of want to watch you do it, though.

[B]

I haven't done it in years.

[A]

I feel like it would give me such weird chills.

[B]

It would be like the teeth that. You would not like it.

[A]

No, I wouldn't. But that makes me want to see it.

[B]

Why don't we do shaving dry stories? Just.

[A]

You're the only submitter.

[B]

Like, hey, guys, I'll be right back.

[A]

You just retell this story.

[B]

I run to the back. Hello.

[E]

Hi.

[A]

Where are you at?

[E]

Alberta in Canada.

[A]

How's your winter? Have you been not having a lot of snow? Like the Rockies haven't.

[E]

It's been a warmer winter, but we just got a big dump not long ago, so it's been wintery again. So it's back. She reared her ugly head again.

[A]

And do you like when it dumps and you have an excuse to stay inside? Because I like that it's not bad.

[E]

And the kids like playing, so that's kind of awesome.

[A]

Yeah. Did we just meet the product of your pregnancy story?

[E]

The kid you saw?

[B]

No.

[E]

Was not a product of this pregnancy story. That's my oldest boy and I have three.

[A]

Okay, so Walk us through your funny pregnancy story.

[E]

This story was in October of 2015, and we were expecting our third child out. And we were super overdue. Thirteen days, actually. So I was ready to get this baby out. I was trying everything. So we actually decided to try a shot of castor oil, which is one of the tricks they tell you to do. And it worked for our second child. So we said, let's give that a go. So we did that and watched a movie and hey, let's get some sleep, because this could come tonight. And my husband fell asleep right away. Of course, I wasn't able to get to sleep because things started mo. So I was like, okay, things might be happening. And at about 2:30 probably, it's getting intense enough that we probably should get going to the hospital. So I woke him up, he had a shower. No rush. Things were ticking along.

[A]

Hold on a second. He had a shower?

[B]

No, don't some people do that? They're like, oh, we have time. Didn't you guys? Oh, yes, you guys.

[A]

Well, we had time, but my wife didn't wake me up at 2:30 in the morning and say it's time to go to the hospital. And I said, cool, I'm gonna hop in the shower. That seems kind of of funny to me.

[B]

Oh, I mean, I guess I get that. But also, aren't there all these stories like people's water break and then they go have lunch and then they go to the hospital?

[E]

Well, he needs to have a shower to sort of wake himself up. I had two kids before. This takes forever. So it was no big deal. Lots of time, no rush. We called our midwife because we were meeting her at the hospital. We got in the truck and I remember saying, like, no rush, no need to speed. Stop at those red lights. No big deal. It's about a 25 or 30 minute drive from our house to the hospital. 10 or 15 minutes in into it, things got really intense really quickly. And I was like, this is really painful. I am very uncomfortable. I was squirming in my seat. I was sticking my head out the window to try to like, cool off to get some fresh air. And then I got this serious urge to take a big dump.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Oh, no.

[A]

Well, because am I wrong? Castor oil also is a laxative, is it not?

[E]

It is, yeah. So that all was happening previously. It kind of empties you out.

[A]

Okay, okay, okay.

[B]

So that already happened.

[A]

You had done some evacuations.

[E]

The evacuating kind of happened. So I was kind of like, why do I have to Go to the bathroom again. I thought that was over. This is so embarrassing. I can't show up at the hospital with pads full of poo. I'm like looking around for like a diaper or a bag or a towel or something. I don't know what I was going to do, but I'm panicked. As soon as I stopped panicking, it subsided, the urge went away and I was like, oh, perfect. But a couple minutes later, another contraction comes and I'm like, oh man, I got a poo again. What is going on? And then I'm like, geez. With something's coming out, stop. And it's not from my butt.

[B]

Oh my God. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

[E]

I'm wearing a pair of like three quarter length sweatpants. And I just take my hand and do a little exploring and check and I feel a head shaped bulge.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

How far away from that hospital?

[A]

What's the ET?

[E]

Ten minutes probably.

[B]

That's too far.

[A]

That's a long 10 minutes of your life.

[E]

It's so long. And I started to panic and I said, oh my God, I feel the head. And my husband's like, oh no, no, no, no. All he could say was no. It's like, yes.

[A]

Okay, hold on. I'm gonna revisit the shower that I was pretty critical of, that no one was supportive of. And I'm gonna say now we wouldn't be in this situation, right?

[B]

But then maybe he wouldn't have been able to draw.

[A]

He would have done just fine without that fucking shower. Mike.

[E]

It's actually Brian.

[A]

Well, he's like, I'm so grateful I'm clean for this.

[E]

Oh yeah. He starts kind of panicking a little bit. I realized that he's going to be super useless in this situation. So I kind of really panicked and I'm like, you need to run this red light. Everything I said earlier is out the window. You need to get to the hospital as soon as possible cause we need some medical attention. So he starts blasting to get there as fast as he can. I'm really panicked. I'm like, I think we need an ambulance. So I call the ambulance and then when I get on the phone with them and start chatting, as soon as we explain what's happening, we look up and the hospital's right there. So we're like, ah, you know, sorry, false alarm, we're good. We get to the emergency room door and it's kind of a back side door and he stops. I jump out and I'm on a mission to find some sort of medical professional. My husband is like, oh, can I get you a wheelchair? And he's trying to be helpful, but I didn't even actually acknowledge him and I just kept walking. I kind of ditched him. I walk into the emergency room and I'm just power walking as fast as I can. And it's this huge long hallway because we're on the backside and it's quite a distance to get to the main admittance area.

[A]

Did Brian pull into the wrong entrance? Was there a better entrance? Probably.

[E]

Oh gosh. So I'm laser focused to get myself there. And I remember I got to the end of the one hallway. I look, there's another long hallway and I see lights and people ahead. So I'm like, I'm almost there and I start walking and I just remember really vividly feeling like I was out of my body. I was floating above myself watching myself walk in. And I almost was like, oh wow, this is like an episode of Grey's Anatomy. It looks like it would be a really good episode. And then I'm like, oh my God, this is my real life. I remember also looking to my right and there was like a waiting room there. And it was like 3:30 in the morning, so it was empty. There was no people. Except there was one cleaning lady sitting there like mopping up the floors. And in my head I remember thinking like, oh my God, I hope that I don't make a mess that this poor person's gonna have to clean up.

[B]

Don't worry, she was a ghost.

[E]

A couple steps after thinking these things and then all of a sudden, sudden like pop. The head popped out. I'm walking as all of this happens and then a couple steps later, her whole body slipped out onto the floor. I am wearing like a pair of three quarter length sweatpants and her head was kind of like at my knee. And then her body was up my thigh.

[B]

Oh my God, no. Did you start screaming?

[A]

It is so hard for me not to bring up the shower over and over again. I mean, we're just not in this situation where I'm.

[B]

I can't believe you were already just screaming and screaming for somebody to come help. You're so nice. You're just like walking and looking, Fantasizing

[A]

about being in a Grey's Anatomy episode.

[B]

It is a good episode. You pull down your pants and there's a baby there.

[E]

I was holding her head and body as I was kind of shuffling along and that's when I started calling for help. I was like screaming to try and get Someone's attention. And finally they noticed that I was there. And a couple people came running up, and they're like, what's wrong? And I'm like, I just had a baby in my pants.

[A]

I just babied my pants.

[B]

I just had a baby in my pants. Is really upset.

[A]

Not a lot of people get to utter that.

[E]

I didn't know what to do. And they were kind of panicked, too. They're like, oh. Oh, my gosh. They look down. They're like, pull your pants down. And I was like, well, I'm kind of holding the baby. So they kind of helped pull my pants down awkwardly. They grabbed the baby out of my pants, and the umbilical cord was wrapped around the neck.

[B]

Oh, scary. God.

[E]

And it got scary pretty quickly because she wasn't responding to anything. And she was kind of odd color. And I was like, oh, my gosh. I kept saying, like, is the baby okay? Is the baby okay? And so it took a couple minutes for them to get everything organized. And they're all kind of shouting things, and they were like, we need the baby to go. And they kind of are pulling at the baby. And I was like, I'm still attached, because, of course, umbilical cord is still there at this time. I'm now sitting on the floor, like, in a puddle in the middle of the hallway, basically, with no clothes on. Here I was worried about just having a little bit of poop in my pants. They clamp up the umbilical cord. And I remember one of the doctors or nurses, I'm not sure what, he went to, like, snip the umbilical cord, and right when he cut it, this splash of blood squirted into his face from the umbilical cord. And I could tell he was, like, super disgusted, but he was trying to act really cool and professional. And I was like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. He's like, don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. He's, like, trying to make me feel better. I'm just like, oh, my gosh. This is just a disaster of a birth. Anyways, they quickly whisked her off in a way. She had to go straight to the NICU because she had aspirated on melconium poop in the womb. And then they get it in their lungs. So she was in the NICU for a couple of weeks. Weeks. But the funniest part was after the craziness was over, just as she was taken away, my husband shows up with this little backpack.

[B]

Brian, his Hair done.

[A]

Come on, Brian, you didn't need that fucking shower.

[B]

Oh, it started with the shower. It got worse and worse.

[E]

He looks at me and he goes like, what happened?

[A]

Why are you naked? Put your clothes on. I look great.

[B]

Oh, my God, you're embarrassing us.

[E]

I said, like, you missed it. It's.

[C]

Oh.

[E]

And I'm like, what were you doing? He's like, I had to park the truck.

[A]

I had to get the truck washed all hard. Was parking at 3:30am, Brian.

[E]

Oh, our friends actually tease him because if you know him, he's a big rule follower. He's also very by the book. So they tease him like, oh. So Brian, he had to get the perfect spot. And what were you, like, counting your change? 25, like, making sure you filled the meter up. And everyone's like, what were you doing, buddy? He's like,

[A]

oh, now I feel bad for Brian.

[B]

Well, he shouldn't have thought he had time when the head was already popping out.

[A]

I called it immediately. This is a shower is insane. But we love him, and he's a good dad and a good husband.

[E]

He is not the best at childbirth situations.

[B]

Oh, man.

[A]

Oh, well, Heidi, this is a humdinger.

[B]

That was good. I'm glad everyone's safe and healthy, cuz. Yikes. She just stood up and gave birth. Vertical birth into her pants.

[A]

Baby, your pants.

[E]

The baby in the pants is now a 10 year old fiery little angel. And actually it's my other daughter, my older daughter, who we listen to Armchair Anonymous all the time together. And it's a special time that we love. And she's always excited and hopes that it's appropriate for her because some of them, I'm like, I don't know, most.

[A]

Maybe that's fair.

[B]

Like, maybe she didn't listen to Kinks.

[E]

My daughters love you guys, especially my second. She also watched Parenthood with me recently. I've rewatched it with her and it's so good. Of course, we love Crosby.

[A]

Oh, thank you. Yeah, I'm very lucky to have gotten to do that.

[E]

I just appreciate everything about you guys. I've been in armchair since day one, and I just listen to them all. And I love you both.

[A]

Thank you. We love you. We love you back.

[E]

My kids would like to.

[A]

Yes, of course. Get them in here.

[B]

Hi, kids.

[A]

Oh, my gosh, they're all here.

[B]

The baby in the pants is here too.

[A]

Yes. Tonka. What's everyone? Anyone's name?

[E]

Evie.

[D]

Charlotte.

[E]

And I'm Riker.

[A]

Oh, wonderful.

[B]

Well, we're grateful you guys listen. Makes us happy.

[A]

Do you have a favorite armchair episode? Is there one story that you always want to tell people?

[E]

Well, the mouse and the water bottle.

[B]

Yes, yes.

[A]

It's quickly becoming evident now.

[E]

This story will be their favorite one probably.

[B]

Yeah. It's a good story.

[A]

It's a banger. Well, lovely meeting everyone. Tell Brian we love him and my apologies for being hard on him.

[E]

Yeah, he's gonna love it.

[A]

All right, take care. Oh, my God. We're meeting families today.

[B]

Brothers are warriors. Incredible.

[A]

They'll do what needs doing.

[B]

That story is similar to Elizabeth. Elizabeth and Andy, their second kid she had in the car she had as they were pulling right up to the hospital and the doctors and nurses like rushed out to meet them at the car and he was born in the car.

[A]

Didn't also Seth Meyers his wife delivered in foyer of the apartment building. I prefer to have it in the hospital.

[B]

I think most people that's preferred. That's if you can.

[A]

If you can. All right.

[C]

Love you.

[A]

Love you. Do you want to sing a tune or something?

[D]

One of a theme song.

[A]

Oh, okay, great. We don't have a them song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're going to add some rant random questions and with the help of arm cherries we'll get some suggestions on the fly rhyme dish on the fire rhyme dish. Enjoy.