Armchair Anonymous: Holiday Nightmare II

Summary

Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard: Armchair Anonymous – Holiday Nightmare II

Release Date: December 20, 2024

In the heartwarming yet chaotic episode of Armchair Anonymous: Holiday Nightmare II, host Tracy and co-host Monica Padman delve into listeners' most unforgettable and tumultuous holiday experiences. This episode, devoid of commercial interruptions, focuses on the raw and often humorous tales that underscore the complexity of family traditions and the unexpected hurdles that can turn festive cheer into memorable nightmares. Below is a comprehensive summary of the key narratives and insights shared by the guests.

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1. Sean’s Christmas Eve Catastrophe

Timestamp: [03:03] – [19:00]

Guest: Sean

Sean recounts a nerve-wracking experience from Christmas Eve 2004, where his well-intentioned efforts to organize and distribute presents for his children, Daniel (aged 13) and Abby (aged 8), nearly unravelled the family's festive spirit. As a busy sales professional, Sean meticulously planned the gift distribution, ensuring fairness and adherence to each child's "Santa list." However, his plan took a disastrous turn when he inadvertently disposed of the meticulously wrapped presents.

“My goal every Christmas when the kids were younger was to really have a great day. And it's not just about gifts, but a lot of it is about the gift,” Sean explains at [03:56]. The oversight occurred when Sean, under the influence of a few drinks, decided to store the gifts in a crawl space—the very area his family dreaded due to its inherent creepiness.

On Christmas Eve, amidst a serene snowfall and a seemingly perfect evening, Sean's husband accidentally threw out the gifts instead of storing them properly. Panic ensued as the realization dawned that the presents were likely on the verge of being discarded as garbage. “It was the worst feeling I had in my life up to that point,” he admits at [08:15]. The situation escalated when the kids discovered the chaos, leading to emotional conversations and quick remedial actions to salvage the holiday spirit.

Monica and Tracy offer supportive commentary, highlighting the relatable nature of such family mishaps and the importance of maintaining composure during crises.

2. Ruby’s White Elephant Ashes Prank

Timestamp: [21:29] – [40:30]

Guest: Ruby

Ruby shares a poignant yet bizarre story from a white elephant gift exchange at a gym Christmas party. Having recently lost her mother, Ruby sought solace and community support by joining a women-only gym. During a gift exchange intended to be budget-friendly—“bring something that's already in your house”— Ruby received what appeared to be a mere vase. However, upon unwrapping, it exposed what seemed to be her late husband's ashes.

“I couldn't bear to do it alone. So I thought that if I came here,” Ruby states at [24:17]. The room fell silent as Ruby revealed the package's true nature. To her immense relief, it turned out to be a prank orchestrated by a known prankster in the group. Ruby reflects on the emotional turmoil and the fine line between humor and sensitivity, especially in contexts involving grief.

Monica and Tracy react with a mix of shock and amusement, underscoring the delicate balance required in social gatherings and the unpredictable nature of human interactions.

3. Lori’s New Year’s Pool Party Inferno

Timestamp: [34:07] – [40:30]

Guest: Lori

Lori recounts a harrowing incident from a New Year's Day Polar Bear Club event spanning from 1989 to 1991. At a party hosted by her friend Billy, the festivities involved swimming in an inground pool coupled with heavy alcohol consumption. As the night progressed, excessive amounts of firewood led to a catastrophic fireplace blaze.

“We ended up trying to get people out of the house,” Lori narrates at [35:42], describing the subsequent scramble to evacuate the premises before the entire roof and the Nissan Pathfinder caught fire. The incident not only destroyed the house and car but also left lasting scars related to alcoholism and addiction, themes Lori ties into her personal life, mentioning her son's journey to recovery.

The hosts, along with Monica, express empathy and concern, delving into discussions about the pervasive impact of addiction and the importance of community support systems.

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Insights and Reflections

Throughout the episode, Tracy and Monica provide thoughtful reflections on each story, emphasizing themes such as:

• The Unpredictability of Holidays: Even with meticulous planning, unforeseen events can dramatically alter holiday experiences.

• The Importance of Communication: Open and honest conversations within families can help navigate and mitigate crises.

• Balancing Humor and Sensitivity: Especially in moments involving grief or high emotions, understanding the appropriate boundaries of humor is crucial.

• Dealing with Addiction: Lori’s story serves as a poignant reminder of the destructive nature of addiction and the power of recovery.

Notable quotes include Sean's admission of despair:

“This was the worst feeling I had in my life up to that point,” ([08:15]).

And Ruby's resolve in the face of unexpected grief:

“Grief is hard. So just trying to let people deal with things the way they could,” ([30:15]).

---

Conclusion

Armchair Anonymous: Holiday Nightmare II masterfully weaves narratives that encapsulate the essence of holiday chaos, blending humor with heartfelt introspection. The guests' stories serve as compelling reminders that the holidays, while joyous, are fraught with potential challenges that test familial bonds and personal resilience. Tracy and Monica's empathetic hosting fosters an environment where listeners can find solace and perhaps a bit of humor in their own holiday mishaps.

For those seeking relatable holiday tales that blend laughter with life's inevitable messiness, this episode of Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard offers a captivating listen.

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Transcript

[Dax Shepard]

Wondry plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free right now. Join Wondry plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Buck Rogers and I'm joined by Monica Lightyear. What would the holidays be without crazy holiday stories on Armchair Anonymous?

[Monica Padman]

People got them.

[Dax Shepard]

They got them. They're gonna keep coming. These are great. Hopefully they'll get you in the mood. Let me just quickly glance and make sure no animals have died prematurely. No, that's fine. Yeah, I think we're good here.

[Monica Padman]

We're good.

[Tracy]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Go into the holiday strong with crazy holiday stories. We are supported by Amazon Prime. You might think of prime as your gateway to incredibly fast free shipping on all your Amazon orders, which it definitely is. But prime is so much more than that. Being a Prime member gives you access to Prime Video, Amazon, Amazon Music, prime gaming, ultra fast grocery delivery and tons of other benefits.

[Monica Padman]

It's a game changer, especially during the holiday season. Want to get in the holiday spirit while relaxing at home? Press play on a holiday playlist on Amazon Music or stream a festive movie on Prime Video. You've got an instant ticket to holiday cheer.

[Dax Shepard]

Sounds like a great night. Another way prime saves the holidays. Let's say a coworker got you a holiday present and you somehow forgot to get them something, seamlessly shop for their gift on Amazon and then use prime to get free one day or same day delivery. So it's like they were on your gift list all along. So what are you waiting for? Become a Prime member today and get more out of whatever passions you're pursuing, whatever you're into. It's on Prime. We are supported by Audible. Audible's best of 2024 picks are here. Audible's curated list in every category is the best way to hear 2024's best in audio entertainment. Like a stunning new full cast production of George Orwell's 1984. This is the one I am most excited to indulge myself with.

[Monica Padman]

I'm so excited to listen to James, which is a new title by Percival Everett that is very, very hot right now.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, there's so many good ones on the list.

[Monica Padman]

We love Audible. This is how you go to bed.

[Dax Shepard]

I love Audible. I swear by Audible. I can't wait to listen to the Orwell 1984 off this list. I'm also doing Flea's autobiography right now, which I'm obsessed. I can't get enough Audible in my Life every night. Go to audible.comdax and discover all the year's bests waiting for you. That's audible.com Dax.

[Tracy]

Hard times come and go Good times take them slow My life, I had them both. One thing you gotta know I'mma keep on shining.

[Monica Padman]

Hi.

[Tracy]

Hi.

[Dax Shepard]

Tracy.

[Tracy]

Nice to meet you.

[Sean]

Nice to meet you both as well. Well, thanks for taking my story. When you guys started Armchair Anonymous, I was like, man, I got a story.

[Tracy]

Oh, you knew one day.

[Monica Padman]

So excited.

[Sean]

So this is a Christmas story that happened about 20 years ago on Christmas Eve.

[Monica Padman]

Okay.

[Tracy]

Okay. 2004.

[Sean]

Yeah. So our children at the time, Daniel, he would have been about 13 and Abby would have about eight.

[Tracy]

Hold on a second. You do not look nearly old enough to have had a 13 year old in 2004.

[Sean]

I will be 56 tomorrow.

[Monica Padman]

Nice. Also, happy birthday.

[Sean]

Thank you.

[Tracy]

Also, you're looking very foxy.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. You're aging very gracefully.

[Sean]

Thank you. I'm having about 100 hot flashes now. Cause I'm a bit nervous.

[Monica Padman]

Okay.

[Tracy]

That's all right.

[Sean]

As the mom, the head shopper, my goal every Christmas when the kids were younger was to really have a great day. And it's not just. Just about gifts, but a lot of it is about the gift.

[Tracy]

They never hurt.

[Monica Padman]

It's a big deal.

[Sean]

Yeah. And it's not about the quantity. It's just about making sure that they're getting what they put on their Santa list. So I'm in sales and at Christmas time, I'm super busy. So I always try to get everything done before we get into December. And I think it was like December 3rd. I hauled everything out and was going through everything. And we have to have the same amount per kid. The Christmas spirit is happening in that bedroom as well as you get my drift here. So I'm making everything fits in the stockings appropriately and I'm making lists. Okay. Abby's done. Daniel needs a couple of things and it's getting late. It's 12:30. So I tie everything up to make sure that I know where it is. And went down two flights of stairs. And we have this crawl space that no one goes in because we're frightened to death of the crawl space.

[Tracy]

Nothing scarier than a crawl space.

[Sean]

Oh, yeah, it's scary. Terrible. I threw them down over the stairs and I went, oh, no one's going down here. Tomorrow I'll put it in the crawl space when the kids go to school. So let's go ahead to Christmas Eve that year. And we're having a great day visiting family And I'm having some wine. Sean's driving. Mom is partaking.

[Monica Padman]

Fantastic.

[Sean]

Nothing serious. Just having a couple of drinks. And we said, okay, it's time to go home and get the kids, straighten away and read our stories and do our traditions. And myself and my husband, Sean, we sit on the couch. And it's actually a unbelievably beautiful evening. The snowflakes are coming down. We're just getting ready to have a cocktail.

[Tracy]

Oh, this is the dream.

[Sean]

This is not the norm. Usually it's just a Gong show and I'm a stress bag. Does everything okay. I gotta cook a turkey tomorrow. Was that out? He looked at me, said, you are doing so good. I said, I know. This is great. So it's getting late. It's about 10ish. And I said, let's get everything organized for under the tree. So that's dawn. And then we can just relax for an hour before we go to bed. He said, all right. I'm going downstairs and getting everything. So I'm looking out the window, and life is perfect. And I'm just so happy with my family. And I could hear him open up the crawl space. Then I heard him close the crawl space. Then he opened the other crawl space. And when he opened the second crawl space and closed it and he went over the third one, I just kind of, like, perked up.

[Tracy]

Yeah.

[Lori]

Yeah.

[Sean]

And he called out, he said, trace, where are the gifts? And I was like, they're in the same place they always are. And I started to go downstairs, and at that point, tent is thrown out, Coleman stoves, every piece of hockey equipment Daniel owned, every old toy that the kids had from growing up that you just throw in the back of that. Things are going everywhere. And I'm like, what the actual. Is going on here?

[Tracy]

Yeah.

[Sean]

I said, it's right there. I know. No one opens this door. The kids know. Look, because they're terrified of it. He's in the other crawl space, then he's out in the garage. And the garage door's opening and closing. We're not giving into the panic, but it's just on the surface. And we start to go back to the night that I did all the gifts. And we realized when I threw them down over the stairs, the next day was garbage day.

[Tracy]

Oh, no. Oh, no.

[Sean]

Oh. So now it is 11pm on Christmas Eve, and I'm just like, oh, my God. What's open? What's open? What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? And at that point, he actually started to cry. And I was like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. I get to cry. Yeah. He was like, I threw them out. And I said, well, I threw them down over the stairs. I'm thinking, I have to get up in the morning and tell those two little children, one who is the big believer of the yeah. That their parents are idiots and there is no Santa.

[Tracy]

And we chucked all your presents. We had gotten you all the stuff you wanted.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Sean]

Listen. And people have really bad shit going on in their lives. I'm going to tell you, this was the worst feeling I had in my life up to that point.

[Tracy]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Sean]

I got a bit of a hangover. Starting on top of it. I got a headache. I'm crying. Sean's freaking out. We're just like, we are the worst parents. And then Abby wakes up and goes, what's going on? My Santa's here and you guys are awake. And I'm like, just go back to sleep. And there's no cell phone. So I'm not texting my girlfriend and going, help. It's getting late. I called my mom. My mom had just been recently retired, so she would like tinker around in stores and that, little gift shops and secondhand stores. She said, okay, I'm on my way. And she brought this box. I mean, I looked in and there was comics from 1982.

[Monica Padman]

Oh my God.

[Tracy]

Okay, that'll do.

[Sean]

Shut. Sister and husband and two kids were living overseas in Qatar and they were home for Christmas. And she's really super organized, so I knew she'd have some stuff in a tickle trunk somewhere. She said, I got. We're gonna come over. I was getting so late and we took all this stuff they had and started poking it in stockings and unwrapping stuff. And there was gifts that Sean's family, they live in Calgary, they sent to us. And I started unwrapping those saying, could we use some of this?

[Tracy]

Desperate times.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Sean]

So now it's 2:00 in the. I am a broken, destroyed human.

[Tracy]

You've wrapped up a bunch of bullshit.

[Sean]

We just go to bed. Sean goes, I don't know. This is going to be bad. I'm like, we are idiots. A couple hours later, Abby wakes up and she's super excited. She has no idea what's going on. And she goes into Daniel's room and gets him up. The rules are you're not allowed to go downstairs. Mom and dad have to go down, get the video camera going. Like it's the old fashioned video camera. There's no phone.

[Tracy]

Yeah.

[Sean]

Me and Shawn aren't even speaking to each other. We're just looking around going, this is so bad. Come downstairs. And they start going through their stuff. And because Daniel, I still had to get him a couple of things. He did okay.

[Tracy]

He liked the 10 year old comic books.

[Monica Padman]

These are vintage.

[Sean]

Sean's sister Trudy had a camera with an SD card that was a gift he wanted. And at the time, this is when brand names like Nike and West 49, the skateboard clothes was getting and it was expensive and he had asked for this specific sweatshirt wasn't there. Anyway, Abby's going through her stocking. So she's this little eight year old girl that the spirit of Christmas is alive and well inside of her and she's digging her hands and everything and everything she takes out, she looks at it with this little look at her face like what did Santa bring me? And then smile lays it down and she goes through everything. She takes out the comic books covers off it. I'm like, how did I put that one in there? 1979, I'm sure. And she's just like, oh wow. I am just shell shock.

[Dax Shepard]

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[Monica Padman]

I know about Addie. The little pink pill, right?

[Dax Shepard]

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[Monica Padman]

I love this. It's really nice that there's an option out there for women who are dealing with low desire and I like that. Addie's non hormonal and created by a woman for women. Addie is helping women feel like themselves again. That's really important.

[Dax Shepard]

It really is. So arm cherries. If your libido could use a little jump start, Addie's got you covered. Learn more at addy.com that's a dasH-Y-I.com.

[David]

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[Dax Shepard]

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[Monica Padman]

We sure have.

[Dax Shepard]

So I for me particularly headaches. I got to go Tylenol. But I do like Motrin for muscle pain.

[Monica Padman]

I like Motrin.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, you won't even play. What about for headaches though?

[Monica Padman]

I mean I'm Motrin.

[Dax Shepard]

You're Team Motrin.

[Monica Padman]

Listen to this. Stop trying to make me who I'm not.

[Dax Shepard]

The gods have intervened and we have a perfect solution. Motrin and Tylenol have finally settled the great debate by teaming up and introducing Motrin Dual Action with Tylenol.

[Monica Padman]

They did this for us to save our relationship.

[Dax Shepard]

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[Sean]

At the bottom of the stocking, she hauls out this little clear cylinder package and it's all filled with gold, like gold chains. I don't know what it is. She goes, mommy, what is this? I said, let's just open this up. So we open up, I don't know what it is. As it opens up, it unfolds, foals into like a Cleopatra costume headdress.

[Tracy]

Oh, fun. That's great. It's like a chain mail hat.

[Sean]

Absolutely. So I put it on her little face. Some of her teeth are adult teeth, some are little baby teeth. She's got this weird old crooked smile. She puts this thing on, it goes over one eye and she looks at me and she goes, mommy and my princess. And I remember thinking, that sweet little child does not care.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, right. She doesn't know. Yeah, she likes that.

[Tracy]

She was thought of by Santa. Yeah.

[Sean]

And I just remember looking at her and my heart just soared. And I went, baby, it is beautiful. You are Santa's little princess. This is gorgeous. I'm just thinking, oh my goodness, did we pull this? Anyway, I took Daniel aside, he was older, and I said, buddy, I am so sorry. He said, mom, I got everything I wanted. This is great. And we kind of just went, oh my goodness. We pulled this off. Daniel knew, but he kind of just parked it in his memory. And quite a few years later I said to the kids, do you not remember that crazy Christmas? And they were no, no idea.

[Monica Padman]

That's.

[Dax Shepard]

That kind of.

[Tracy]

That's informative. Maybe we put too much effort into it. Just wrap shit up, dump it under the drink.

[Sean]

It was the worst feeling ever. I thought, I'm going to get up in the morning and tell that sweet little 8 year old that there's no Santa. And that crushed me.

[Monica Padman]

Okay. I think this is what I would have done. I would have written a note from Santa and it would have said something along the lines of, Santa couldn't make it everywhere this year. And so he's coming back in a couple days.

[Tracy]

Oh, okay. All right.

[Monica Padman]

And in the meantime, the elves dropped off some trinkets, but the real presents are coming in a couple days cuz he got in over his head.

[Tracy]

Okay. So you throw Santa under the bus?

[Monica Padman]

Of course.

[David]

Okay.

[Tracy]

That's what he's there for.

[Sean]

We ended up Once everything opened up, we took the kids shopping, let them.

[Tracy]

Pick out what they wanted.

[Monica Padman]

Shopping spree.

[Sean]

Have fun.

[Tracy]

Yes, people get cancer. Diagnoses, those are worse. But when you have just spent this much time getting the gifts, then wrapping them, then putting them perfectly, there's a lot that's going wrong at once. You've wasted all that time, all that money and then you have Christmas morning coming. So there's a lot there to be frustrated with. Third option, I would have just gone cash. Okay, Santa brought cash this year. He wanted you to know you're old enough to go shopping. Like made a whole thing about that. Just been like in a pinch.

[Monica Padman]

But you also want them to be opening the stuff.

[Tracy]

We'll wrap each bill individually.

[Sean]

Yes. Yes.

[Tracy]

Tracy, where in Canada are you? You have the most specific accent and I'm so curious.

[Sean]

St. John's Newfoundland.

[Tracy]

I had a weird hunch because it's almost got a hint of Scottish in it, doesn't it?

[Dax Shepard]

Monica?

[Sean]

No, it's great. Maybe Irish sometimes.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, I love it.

[Sean]

Beautiful island on the east coast of.

[Tracy]

The country and home to the cutest dogs ever.

[Sean]

Oh yes, the Newfoundland dog. They're big, big boys.

[Monica Padman]

Wow, that was fantastic.

[Tracy]

Yes, thank you, Tracy. And sorry that you guys went through that. I love that the perfect buzz with the snowflakes turned immediately to a hangover. That's kind of my favorite part because I know that moment.

[Sean]

Oh, my head almost blew off my shoulder. When the kids were young, I used to always try to have Christmas day at the house. Didn't want to disrupt them from their stuff. So my family would come over. So my older sister, my younger sister, we're all like little bit glam queens and they showed up like just superstars. I'm still in an old T shirt, mascara down my face and they're like, what the heck is going on with you? I said, you're never going to believe what happen happen. This is the worst day ever. Well, not the worst day. This was just the worst situation. We threw out Christmas every year for about 10 years after that at 4:30 I would run and just look for the gifts, just get my eyes on them because I knew if that everything's closing in about an hour. If they're gone, I can high tail it to a Walmart or to a store and just buy something.

[Tracy]

Double safety check.

[Monica Padman]

It's a good cautionary tale story as well for people.

[Tracy]

Sure. Do a few check ins with those guys leading up. Well, Tracy, that was a delightful story. Thank you so much for telling us.

[Monica Padman]

Thanks for Talking to us.

[Sean]

Oh, thank you for having me. Can I get my husband to come in and say hello?

[Tracy]

Sure, of course.

[Sean]

He's the guy that helped me throw out the gifts.

[Tracy]

Hello, Sean.

[Lori]

In my defense, they were in green garbage bags.

[Monica Padman]

That's fair. How would you have known?

[Tracy]

You are being a very nice gentleman and taking the trash out. This is not on you. It's not on Tracy. But it is on Tracy.

[Sean]

No.

[Monica Padman]

No, it's not.

[Sean]

My girlfriends were trying to blame him. I said no. I threw those down the stairs and should have tucked them away. The green garbage bag at the time was the downfall of that evening, that's for sure.

[Lori]

It's been a fun story for a long, long time.

[Tracy]

Well, it's lovely meeting both of you. Yes. Have a great holiday.

[Sean]

You as well. Thanks so much, guys.

[Tracy]

All right, bye. Bye. Yeah, they have like almost Irish accents. The dad did, too.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, let's talk to Lori. Hi, is this Lori?

[Ruby]

This is Lori.

[Dax Shepard]

Hi. Dax, Monica.

[Tracy]

Nice to meet you. Are you in your office?

[Ruby]

I am.

[Tracy]

And what's your university poster?

[Dax Shepard]

I see?

[Ruby]

That is Ohio University in Athens, Ohio. So I'm a proud graduate of ou. Currently I'm living outside of Cincinnati in Ohio.

[Tracy]

Still not in Kentucky.

[Ruby]

I actually do live in Northern Kentucky, but I work in Cincinnati right across the river. So I have a very nice view of the Cincinnati skylines.

[Dax Shepard]

Beautiful.

[Tracy]

And that's the home of Josh Hutcherson. Do you know that actor? He's a Northern Kentucky boy.

[Ruby]

Yes, he is.

[Tracy]

Okay, so you have a crazy holiday story.

[Ruby]

I do have a crazy holiday story. This happened in Cincinnati as well in 2008, 2009. Some history on me. I had lost my mom about two years prior to that, very young. She was 52. And I was just going through a lot, grieving, probably self medicating with food and alcohol.

[Dax Shepard]

Sure.

[Ruby]

Just letting myself go a little bit. So I decided to join a gym. And gyms kind of intimidated me a little bit. So I chose a place. I won't name any names, but it's known primarily for focusing on being for women only. They were primarily targeted older crowd. I mean, I'm 30 at this point. Most of the women who were going to this gym were 20 to 30 years older than me. It was a good start for me to get back into working out. I also got to talk to people who were my mom's age, have some maternal healing there and actually just talk to other women who had lost their mother. I was the only one at that time in my friend group because I was so young, and she was so young. They really didn't have anyone to relate to, you know, mess with different ladies. And we started hanging out outside the gym, having dinner, going for a drink, going art fairs, craft fairs.

[Tracy]

Yeah, I feel like that would be a good crowd to stumble into. They're like older gals who are making an effort to stay healthy. They're probably engaged in a lot of ways in life.

[Ruby]

Yes, it was very good. It was what I needed at that point. And realizing that everybody is going through different things and grief doesn't have a timeline.

[Tracy]

Right.

[Ruby]

One of the ladies was having a Christmas party. We were doing a white elephant gift exchange. They specifically said, bring something that's already in your house.

[Tracy]

Okay.

[Ruby]

So that you're not spending any money on anything. So a bunch of us go to the party and we start this gift exchange with this particular format. You didn't open the gift until everybody had picked and all the gifts were stolen. So really, people were doing it based on the shape and the size of the bag or the packaging.

[Tracy]

Oh, they were doing stealing before the reveal. That's different.

[Monica Padman]

That is interesting.

[Tracy]

Yeah. Okay.

[Ruby]

Yeah. If it was heavy, if you could shake it and make noise. So there was probably 20 of us or. So we get through. Everybody gets their final gifts, and then we're going around the room opening the gift. They're getting Christmas decorations, they're getting ornaments, they're getting reads, they're getting candy, they're getting, you know, just all kinds of different items.

[Tracy]

You can say a bullshit from other people's houses.

[Lori]

Yeah.

[Ruby]

Or things that people are. Have regifted. They may have gotten it for Christmas last year.

[Tracy]

Sure, sure.

[Ruby]

Then that gets to me. Then I pull out this item that looks and feels like it's a vase. Oh, it's got a cover on the top, but the COVID almost like a paper that's been taped on the top of it.

[Tracy]

So maybe used.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, I know what it is.

[Tracy]

Yeah, me too.

[Ruby]

I blew it out. I'm looking at it, I'm trying to figure out what it is, and I hear a voice coming from the back. One of the older ladies said, well, I was told to bring something that I already had. And this is my husband. Well, it's my husband's ashes, and he wanted me to spread them in a local park. And I just can't bear to do it alone. I couldn't bear do it at all. So I thought that if I came here.

[Tracy]

This is not what I thought.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, you didn't. I thought.

[Tracy]

I thought it was a Dildo for sure. That's where we were going.

[Monica Padman]

I knew it was ashes.

[Tracy]

You knew it was. Who would give someone an obligation?

[Monica Padman]

Because death was a part of this story.

[Tracy]

Okay, so this is healing. Maybe.

[Dax Shepard]

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[Monica Padman]

Yes. Making calendars of hot men, men's bodies.

[Dax Shepard]

They're beautiful calendars. I mean, aside from the bodies inside, they're just beautiful.

[Monica Padman]

They are. And a calendar is such a good gift for anyone. You can make it funny like we did, but it can also be really sweet and personal about the year. It's a great gift.

[Dax Shepard]

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[Tracy]

Enjoy.

[Dax Shepard]

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[Monica Padman]

Security is really important. There was a whole situation in my apartment. It was reminded reminding me that I really like. Security's important.

[Dax Shepard]

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[Monica Padman]

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[Dax Shepard]

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[Ruby]

You know, I thought that if I gave it to someone, that they could help me, or they could then take the ashes and dispose of them the way that she wanted them to. And, I mean, she was very emotional saying this, and I was still sort of in a grief state.

[Tracy]

Now you have somebody else's ashes.

[Ruby]

Yeah. The whole room was quiet, like nobody was saying anything at this point. You know, I was like, okay, Ruby, I'll help you with this. So then kind of just sat there, and I wasn't the last one to open. So there was still some other gifts that people needed to open. And everyone's done opening the gifts, and we're mingling around again. I was 30, so everyone at that point felt so much older than me.

[Tracy]

Yeah, right. If she was 58, you thought she was 70.

[Ruby]

I feel like she was at least in her 70s. I go over, I give her a big hug, and I said, ruby, I'm gonna help you with this. We're gonna do this. She may have at some point told me what her late husband's name was. I don't remember that. But she's like, we'll do this for him, and we'll make sure his wishes are all met.

[Tracy]

We'll get Mark all spread out over the.

[Ruby]

We're not facing each other. We're hugging. So she's on my shoulder, and I hear her, and I think that she's crying and she's actually laughing.

[Monica Padman]

Oh.

[Tracy]

Oh.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, God.

[Ruby]

He says, oh, honey, that's not my husband.

[Sean]

What?

[Ruby]

Those ashes are from my outdoor fire pit. And I just thought that this would just make such a funny gift exchange and a fun story to tell.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God. Oh.

[Tracy]

It was a prank.

[Ruby]

A holiday prank.

[Tracy]

Oh, wow. About a dead husband.

[Monica Padman]

But that's, like, really sick.

[Tracy]

She should write for a really dumb dark comedy sketch group. Yeah, that's next level crazy.

[Ruby]

It was not what I expected at all, you know, and expect to get a base of someone's ashes and then come to find out that it's not a base.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. This is a real roller coaster for you.

[Tracy]

Yeah. Did you laugh with relief at that point? Like, oh, thank God I don't have to spread this?

[Ruby]

Yes, there was a lot of relief. Grief is hard. So Just trying to let people deal with things the way they could, but it was just a very bad situation. And she did end up giving me a candle that she had.

[Tracy]

I admire this woman because when the present was opened, everyone got uncomfortable, and that was an opportunity. If she was losing her resolve to go, like, I'm just kidding. It's from. You know. But she resisted, and she let everyone walk away thinking she was nuts. The commitment to this bit is really admirable. We must tip our hat to her.

[Monica Padman]

But then what does she get from it? The joy of a prank is to then be like, just kidding.

[Tracy]

But she was intrinsically motivated, which we would all aim to be. She just knew in her own heart. This is hilarious. They all think this is real. Oh, I know. That's next level. That's like Andy Kaufman.

[Ruby]

And I think she was known to be a prankster. I just didn't know her that well at this point. But probably about 10 years after that, she herself did pass. And a few of us from that gym did go to the funeral, and we heard a lot of other. Other stories of the different pranks and just funny things that she just tried to do to live life and make people laugh and smile, even if it was the dark humor.

[Sean]

Wow.

[Tracy]

I kind of like her. I would have been friends.

[Monica Padman]

I like you. I'm very impressed. I know that I would have felt with.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh.

[Monica Padman]

Especially if I was in the middle of grief myself and had lost my mom. And then I was having these ashes, and I'd be like, oh, I guess I got to do the right thing, even though I don't want to do this, and I got to help this other person. And then it was all a lot. I would be so pissed. Okay, so I'm impressed.

[Ruby]

I'm not a super confrontational person, so that I was probably just letting it right out.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. Wow.

[Tracy]

Interesting baller prank. Especially at all ladies. Some widow Christmas party.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Ruby]

Yeah.

[Tracy]

It's something you might expect at a fraternity or the Friars Club.

[Ruby]

Right. But it was something I'll never forget, and I have just a silly story from it.

[Tracy]

She gave you a gift?

[Ruby]

Yeah, now that I've told it to the masses. Not something I could do in the future. Just try to pull a break on someone.

[Tracy]

Well, Lori, we're grateful that you told us that. I like that woman. This now passed woman.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. Rest in peace.

[Tracy]

What a spunky gal.

[Ruby]

She was very spunky. It was great.

[Tracy]

Well, happy holidays to you.

[Ruby]

Thank you.

[Tracy]

I hope you get a legit present this year at White Elephant.

[Ruby]

I better.

[Tracy]

All right, take care. Okay, last one. David. Bring us home. David. Oh, can you hear us now?

[Monica Padman]

Hey, how are you?

[Tracy]

Wonderful. How are you, David?

[Lori]

I tell you what, I'm doing. Okay. Thank you. You want to know something so bizarre?

[Tracy]

Yeah.

[Lori]

I have that painting of the Great Dane.

[Monica Padman]

You do not have this.

[Tracy]

You have that exact one?

[Lori]

The exact same one?

[Monica Padman]

No.

[Tracy]

How did you discover yours?

[Lori]

My mom.

[Tracy]

Oh, wow.

[Lori]

I had a house for a long time with nothing on the walls, and she's like, here's a Great Dane and it's the exact same one.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God. Is it a famous painting?

[Lori]

Well, it is the two of those, obviously. I would probably get some stock in it if I could.

[Tracy]

Yeah. So, David, I had moved into a house. It was completely empty. I didn't know what to do. I just started surfing around the Internet, looking at images I could order, and I stumbled upon this one. I'm like, I love that Great Dane. And I have another one that matches, and it's a whipping pit.

[Lori]

Oh, yeah. Best Frisbee dogs.

[Tracy]

Sure, sure. They're lightning fast. Where are you at, David?

[Lori]

I live in Gilbert, Arizona.

[Tracy]

Where's that?

[Lori]

Just outside of Phoenix. But I'm originally from Pittsburgh. Pennsylvania.

[Tracy]

Okay. Very similar vibes to Detroit.

[Lori]

Yeah, very much. I think we did a little bit better in the Rust Belt, but, hey, what can you do?

[Tracy]

Both heavy industry towns with a lot of drinking.

[Lori]

You got that right. Funny you say that.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, ding, ding, ding.

[Tracy]

That.

[Lori]

It's what this story's about.

[Tracy]

Okay. Wonderful. Please tell us about it.

[Lori]

This is a long time ago. 89 to 91. Not even sure if I remember, but on New Year's Day, there's the Polar Bear Club. And my friend Billy had a house with an in ground pool. So he had a party every year, if you can see.

[Tracy]

Oh, lovely. Right? So he chopped a little hole by the ladder.

[Lori]

So you hop in, swim to the wall, and back and out.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, God.

[Lori]

A bunch of us did this and kept going back inside, drinking a lot of tequila, a lot of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale in a keg back then, which was, like, unheard of, especially in Pittsburgh.

[Tracy]

That's an expensive keg.

[Lori]

We had to special order it in. But anyway, got his fireplace going. We're having a great time. We decide, hey, let's go do it again. Hop back in, we're having a blast. We come back in, drink more tequila, throw more firewood in the fireplace. Then the next thing you know, there's smoke pouring into the house. Oh, we don't know what is going on, but there's about 12 drunk guys. I mean, really a mess. Obliterated. Drinking this much tequila and beer. Have no clue what is happening. So anyway, we end up trying to get people out of the house. And of course, you know, I'm bulletproof at 22 years old. So I pull the attic open. Figure that's got to be where the fire is.

[Tracy]

Okay.

[Lori]

So I peek up in there, and then the whole roof just starts to go in. Blaze.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, God.

[Sean]

Oh.

[Tracy]

Okay.

[Lori]

So we get everybody out of the house. You know, other than the house burning, everything seems to be okay. But it doesn't stop there. My friend Billy, whose house it is now, back then he had a Nissan Pathfinder. So Billy said to me, please move my Nissan Pathfinder. So, sure, I go out there, put the key in the lock, and it snaps off. So not only did his house burn down, Pathfinder melted along with the house.

[Tracy]

Oh, my God.

[Monica Padman]

Wait, what did? The fire. It was just from the fireplace.

[Tracy]

I think they've put too much. Well, you tell me. Do we know postmortem? What. What happened?

[Lori]

Well, yeah, we put too much wood in, but he barely ever used his fireplace. And there were cracks in the flue up top, so the sparks were going up.

[Ruby]

Oh.

[Lori]

And going out through the.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh.

[Tracy]

Attic.

[Lori]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Holy.

[Lori]

All the fire trucks show up. Everybody's outside. I see the fire chief Suburban, and I just crawled into the back seat and took a nap.

[Sean]

Oh.

[Dax Shepard]

Went straight to sleep.

[Lori]

I am done.

[Tracy]

Wow.

[Monica Padman]

Wow.

[Lori]

So the last thing I remembered was the fire chief waking me up saying, hey, you can go back in the house.

[Tracy]

Oh.

[Lori]

All that was left was the two brick walls on the side.

[Tracy]

Oh, geez. Oh. It burnt all the way down.

[Lori]

All the way down. Oh, he did rebuild. Every year after that, he had the burn the mother to the ground party.

[Tracy]

Oh, my God.

[Monica Padman]

This guy.

[Tracy]

Is he alive still?

[Lori]

No. You know what? Sadly, he passed away from alcoholism addiction.

[Tracy]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Lori]

Years ago.

[Tracy]

Yeah. And what's your journey? What happened with your drinking?

[Lori]

I'm very moderate. You know, I like a beer now and then, a glass of wine now and then, but that's it.

[Tracy]

I can really relate to the scene you were at. I was at a lot of those scenes.

[Lori]

Oh, God. Yeah. It was just incredible. When I saw that you guys wanted stories about winter holidays, I figured, she can't even look.

[Monica Padman]

I mean, the whole house burning down and the car.

[Tracy]

The.

[Monica Padman]

The car melting.

[Tracy]

That was a hot car in the day. The Pathfinder, that was everything.

[Monica Padman]

I mean, it really speaks to addiction in some ways, because that wasn't his Bottom. And he kept going.

[Tracy]

Yeah. You've lost.

[Monica Padman]

Literally lost everything.

[Lori]

Yeah. It does suck, though. I have a son. He's an addict. He's in recovery over in Oceanside right now. He's doing great, though. He's doing the steps. I think he went through step eight. Finished up this weekend.

[Tracy]

Oh, awesome.

[Lori]

So very proud of him doing that.

[Tracy]

Yeah. Yeah. Good for him.

[Lori]

Yeah. But I found out, you guys, through Bridget and Crystal, two beautiful souls that are in my life. They say hello and they love you.

[Tracy]

Oh, wonderful. Hello, Bridget. Did you say Bridget and Crystal?

[Lori]

Correct.

[Tracy]

Hello to them.

[Monica Padman]

Yes. Big shout out. Thank you for sharing that.

[Tracy]

Yeah. What a great story. I'm really there. It sounds like a Michigan party or two I've been to.

[Lori]

No doubt about it. I appreciate you guys.

[Tracy]

Happy holidays to you. Thanks so much.

[Lori]

Happy holidays.

[Sean]

All right.

[Monica Padman]

All right.

[Tracy]

Take care, dude. David.

[Lori]

Bye.

[Tracy]

I love that. The swimming under the frozen.

[Monica Padman]

That was a red herring.

[Tracy]

It was a red herring. And for people who didn't see the photo he put up, there's just one little hole chopped by the ladder. So they're swimming under the ice.

[Monica Padman]

100. Someone was gonna get stuck on.

[Tracy]

We thought for sure this is a drowning story.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Tracy]

Everyone, the tequila and the keg is here.

[Monica Padman]

They kept going back in there.

[Tracy]

More wood. More plunging. More.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, wow.

[Tracy]

I found the artist of your Great Dane painting.

[Monica Padman]

Oh.

[Tracy]

Oh, you did? Is it famous? Christine Merrill.

[Monica Padman]

She's America's most extraordinary painter of dog portraits. Oh, that's.

[Tracy]

I agree with that assessment.

[Monica Padman]

It actually says her name on it.

[Tracy]

Oh, okay. I've never looked.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Tracy]

From Baltimore.

[Monica Padman]

And it also says the name of the painting, but my eyes are bad.

[Tracy]

Recumbent Great Dane.

[Monica Padman]

How weird that he has the same one. One. How funny.

[Dax Shepard]

Must be a popular print.

[Monica Padman]

I guess. Yeah.

[Tracy]

It's on Art.com.

[Dax Shepard]

What if it's like Art.com?

[Monica Padman]

The dolly, like the melting clocks, and we didn't know it.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Anyway, well, happy holidays to all.

[Tracy]

Let that be a warning of the.

[Dax Shepard]

Holidays that are upon us.

[Tracy]

Keep your eyes peeled for the whole.

[Monica Padman]

Thing was a cautionary tale, I guess.

[Tracy]

With a prompt like Crazy Holiday stories.

[Dax Shepard]

It'S going to be.

[Tracy]

It does make me miss Grandma's on Fire, Nana's on Fire story. Remember that one?

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God. Yeah. That was Thanksgiving.

[Tracy]

Is it Thanksgiving?

[Monica Padman]

Uhhuh. That funny.

[Tracy]

And Nana was fully ablaze. It wasn't Nana. It was like Mimi or something cute.

[Monica Padman]

We've had some great stories over the years.

[Tracy]

We have these holidays. They keep producing terrible stories.

[Dax Shepard]

All right.

[Tracy]

I love you.

[Dax Shepard]

Happy holidays.

[Tracy]

Everybody jingle jingle. Do you want to sing a tune or something? We don't have a theme song. Oh, okay, great. We don't have a song for with this new show. So here I go, go go. We're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of armchairs, we'll get some suggestions on the fly rhyme dish on the fire rhyme dish. Enjoy.

[Dax Shepard]

Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondry App, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry plus in the Wondery App app or on Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short [e-mail] survey behind.

[Buck Rogers]

The closed doors of government offices and military compounds, there are hidden stories and buried secrets from the darkest corners of history. From COVID experiments pushing the boundaries of science to operations so secretive they were barely whispered about, each week on Redacted the Declassified Mysteries, we pull back the curtain on These hidden histories, 100% true and verifiable stories that expose the shadowy underbelly of power. Consider Operation Paperclip, where former Nazi scientists were brought to America after World War II not as prisoners, but as assets to advance US intelligence during the Cold War. These aren't just old conspiracy theories, they're thoroughly investigated accounts that reveal the uncomfortable of truths still shaping our world today. The stories are real. The secrets are shocking. Follow Redacted Declassified Mysteries with me, Luke lamanna, on the Wondery App or wherever you get your podcasts to listen ad free. Join Wondery plus in the Wondery App.