Armchair Anonymous: Hotel

Summary

Episode Summary: Armchair Anonymous: Hotel

Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard delves into the chaotic and often humorous experiences people encounter while staying in hotels. In this episode, titled "Armchair Anonymous: Hotel," Dax Shepard is joined by co-host Monica Padman and various guests who share their unforgettable hotel stories. Below is a detailed summary of the episode, highlighting key discussions, insights, and memorable moments.

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Introduction to Crazy Hotel Stories

The episode kicks off with Dax introducing the segment "Crazy Hotel Stories," where listeners are invited to share their most bizarre and unexpected experiences in hotels. Monica Padman sets the tone, expressing enthusiasm for the upcoming tales.

Monica Padman [00:23]: "We love a hotel."

Matt's Flooded Motel Mishap

Matt recounts a harrowing experience at a motel where a seemingly innocent act led to significant chaos. While helping his wife adjust a picture in the bathroom, he accidentally broke a PVC water supply line, resulting in a flood that threatened to damage multiple floors.

Matt [04:03]: "So I call the desk and the lady answers. She goes, 'Well, just turn it off.' And I was like, 'I can't turn it off.'"

The situation escalates as maintenance struggles to contain the flood, leading to a tense interaction where Matt and his wife fear hefty repair bills. Ultimately, they decide to leave the motel abruptly to avoid responsibility.

Matt [06:36]: "We abandoned the wedding, we went back home and we're just like, you know what, let's get out of here."

Dax's Family Motel and Unsettling Discoveries

Transitioning from guest stories, Dax shares personal anecdotes about his grandparents' roadside motel in Sturgis, Michigan. His grandmother, Midge, frequently discovered deceased individuals, mostly victims of suicide, highlighting the motel's role as a place of transient and troubled souls.

Dax Shepard [11:14]: "People go to motels because they don't want to ruin their own house."

Dax reflects on the psychological aspects that drive people to seek solace in hotels, away from their personal lives.

Bailey's Near-Shot Incident in Miami

Bailey narrates a spine-chilling incident that took place during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic in Miami. While staying at a hotel, a sudden loud noise from the bathroom leads to the realization that a bullet had gone through the wall, narrowly missing Bailey's friend Slater.

Bailey [49:46]: "I realized that a bullet went through. I just jumped on the floor."

The situation is resolved without injury, but the experience leaves a lasting impression on Bailey and Slater, emphasizing the unpredictability of hotel environments.

Bailey [52:14]: "We were really thankful."

Mike's Encounter with a Trombone Player's Messy Stay

Mike shares a peculiar story about a trombone player staying at his family-owned beach resort on the Jersey Shore. Upon inspecting the guest room, Mike discovers an overwhelming amount of beach gear and, shockingly, poop stains everywhere.

Mike [31:23]: "She was absolutely drinking the night before. ... Everything was nicely folded... later poop stains all over the sheets."

The chaos stems from the guest's excessive consumption, leading to disorderly conduct and a severely messy aftermath. The resort's team works diligently to restore the room, ensuring other guests remain unaffected.

Mike [43:53]: "We have professional carpet cleaner machines. ... It was nasty."

Dax's Reflections and Final Thoughts

Throughout the episode, Dax interjects with observations and humorous takes on the shared stories. He draws parallels between the guests' experiences and his own family history, adding depth to the discussions.

Dax Shepard [12:10]: "It's really, really sad. But my poor little grandma, she was like five foot one, Belgium, tough as nails."

As the episode wraps up, Dax emphasizes the unpredictability and variety of human experiences in hotels, celebrating the resilience and adaptability of individuals in the face of unexpected challenges.

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Notable Quotes:

• Matt [04:03]: "I just straightened the picture, but water was coming in... It wasn't a trickle of water. I'm like, what do I do?"

• Bailey [49:46]: "I realized that a bullet went through. I just jumped on the floor."

• Dax Shepard [12:10]: "It's really, really sad. But my poor little grandma, she was like five foot one, Belgium, tough as nails."

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Key Takeaways

1. Unexpected Challenges in Hotels: From accidental floods to near shootings, hotels can be settings for a wide range of unforeseen events that test the resilience and problem-solving abilities of both guests and staff.

2. Psychological Impacts: Dax's discussion on his grandmother's encounters at the motel underscores the emotional and psychological toll that temporary stays can have on individuals.

3. Humor Amidst Chaos: Despite the severity of some incidents, the hosts and guests find humor in the absurdity of their experiences, highlighting the human capacity to find light in dark situations.

4. Importance of Preparedness: These stories emphasize the need for hotel staff to be prepared for emergencies and for guests to handle unexpected situations with composure.

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This episode of Armchair Expert offers a vivid exploration of the myriad experiences people have in hotels, blending humor with poignant reflections on human behavior. Whether it's dealing with property damage, witnessing unsettling events, or managing unruly guests, the stories shared provide both entertainment and insightful commentary on the complexities of staying away from home.

Transcript

[Dax Shepard]

Wondry plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free. Right now, join Wondry plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard and I'm joined by Monica Padman.

[Monica Padman]

Hi.

[Dax Shepard]

Hi. This is Crazy Hotel Stories.

[Monica Padman]

We love a hotel.

[Dax Shepard]

Boy, oh boy, did we get a fucking doozy by a proprietor of a motel or not? A motel. Hotel.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

But sometimes motel goes down at hotels. Just because you're in a hotel and you can't park your car in front of the door doesn't mean some motel shit's not going to go down.

[Monica Padman]

That's right.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

And we hear all about it.

[Dax Shepard]

What a story.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. You loved it.

[Dax Shepard]

I loved it.

[Monica Padman]

There's one line that really got you.

[Dax Shepard]

There's some word choice that I applaud.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Please enjoy Crazy Hotel Stories. We are supported by Audible. We know you love audio content. Thanks for listening to the show, but if your ears are craving more audio, Audible is the place to go. I probably, in truth spend more time on Audible than any other place, any other app. Yeah, I'm listening every night for an hour before bed. There's more to imagine when you listen. Whether you're searching for the latest bestsellers and new releases, or you want to catch up on a classic title, you can find it all in the Audible app. And as an Audible member, you choose one title a month to keep from their entire catalog.

[Monica Padman]

What are you listening to now?

[Dax Shepard]

Well, I'm just finishing the Worlds I See by Feife Le. It's so good and moving and I love it so much. I'm. I'm sad it's ending. Now listen. New members can try Audible for free for 30 days. Visit audible.comdax or text DAX to 500. 500. That's audible.comdax or text Dax to 500. 500. The new Apple Watch Series 10 is here.

[Liza]

It has the biggest display ever. It's also the thinnest Apple Watch ever.

[Dax Shepard]

Making it even more comfortable on your wrist.

[Liza]

And it's the fastest charging Apple watch, getting you 8 hours of charge in just 15 minutes. Introducing the all new Apple Watch Series 10, now available for the first time.

[Mike]

In glossy jet black aluminum compared to previous generation. IPhone Xs are later required. Charge time and actual results will vary.

[Bailey]

Hard times come and go Good times.

[Dax Shepard]

Take them slow My life, I had them both Remember one thing you gotta.

[Bailey]

Know I'mma keep on shining.

[Matt]

Crazy hotel.

[Dax Shepard]

Ooh, these should be good. Yeah, Hotel A lot of stuff happens at hotels.

[Monica Padman]

Oh my God. Too much stuff.

[Dax Shepard]

Very sexy place.

[Monica Padman]

Also, because hotels run the gambit so much, it could be a Motel 6. It could be Colonial Motor Inn for CZS.

[Dax Shepard]

They found porno sometimes in hotel rooms. There's murders. My grandma found so many dead bodies.

[Monica Padman]

Oh yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

People go to motels to kill themselves. Do you know that?

[Monica Padman]

Oh, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Because they don't want to leave a mess in their own house.

[Monica Padman]

So interesting what happens psychologically.

[Dax Shepard]

Let's picture my little grandma finding dead.

[Bailey]

Bodies all the time.

[Dax Shepard]

Hello? Can you hear us?

[Matt]

Yeah. Can you hear me?

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, beautifully. Is this Mike? It is wonderful. Where are you, Mike?

[Matt]

I'm in Covington, Georgia.

[Monica Padman]

Just right around the corner from my family.

[Matt]

Oh, yeah, another Georgia boy.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, I love it.

[Dax Shepard]

Covington. That was the name of my favorite underpants. My boxer shorts I wore forever. I wonder if they were manufactured there. Is there any underwear manufacturing happening in Covington?

[Matt]

Not that I know of. Okay, we've got General Mills. We make cereal here.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Oh, the Battle Creek of the South.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

It's also fun fact. The last name of the professor I was in love with.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes, it was.

[Monica Padman]

Means a lot to me. Covington.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. So Mike, you have a crazy hotel story.

[Matt]

Yeah, it's pretty crazy. So we like to go to concerts, me and my wife, we went to Macon, which is about an hour from here. We decided to get a hotel room. That way we didn't have to drive home after the show. And actually my sister in law, she wanted to get the point. So she booked to the hotel for us under her name. So we stayed, went to show, had a good night. We actually asked for a late checkout because we had a wedding to go to the next day. And it was in the opposite direction from our house. So we didn't want to drive back home then drive all the way to the wedding. So we stayed. My wife was getting ready about 12 o'clock and I don't know about Kristen, but when you're getting ready, I'm basically watching tv, walking around, keeping myself occupied. I go into the bathroom to talk to my wife while she's taking a shower. And behind the toilet there's a picture and it's crooked. So all I did went and put a finger on one side, barely touched it and the picture came down hard and it cut the water supply line going into the toilet.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh my gosh.

[Matt]

So I'm like, oh shit. And my wife is like, what did you do? I said, I just straightened the picture, but water was coming In. It was like fire extinguisher water coming. It wasn't a trickle of water. I'm like, what do I do? She goes, I don't know. Call the desk. I was like, all right. So I call the desk and the lady answers. She goes, well, just turn it off. And I was like, I can't turn it off. Yes, sir, Just turn the knob. I'm like, you don't understand. I can't just turn the knob. She's like, okay, well, we'll send somebody up.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, can I ask really quick, why couldn't you turn the knob? Was there not a knob, a shut off knob?

[Matt]

There was, but where it fell, it was like a PVC pipe coming in. It cut the PVC pipe.

[Monica Padman]

It's in the middle.

[Matt]

Oh, before the valve, before the turn off knob. Yeah, but they didn't understand. They thought I was just an idiot.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah.

[Matt]

So water's just coming out like a fire extinguisher. My wife had to jump out of the shower real quick, put clothes on while she's still wet. Wet. Because there's a maintenance man coming up. We get all our stuff, put it onto the bed. We're sitting on the bed because there's water going into the room.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, boy.

[Matt]

The maintenance man comes in and he looks over and he goes, why didn't you just turn it off? I'm like, I've told y'all, I can't turn it off. And he leans down to turn it off. He goes, oh, you can't turn it off. I was like, no. He's like, I know what to do. So he calls the manager. Now, given it took about 10 minutes to get up there, so this water's going non stop. So now he's on the phone trying to get the manager up there, Water.

[Dax Shepard]

Still going, mike, are you on the first or second floor?

[Matt]

I think we're on the third.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, Jesus. Multiple floors are in danger now.

[Matt]

Yeah, he's on the phone and he's walking back and forth past our room and he's glaring at us the whole time. And I'm like, all I did was straighten a picture. My wife is like, they're going to make us pay for this. And I'm like, I hope not. So then the manager finally comes up, probably about 15, 20 minutes later, and she's like, well, we got to turn off the water to the building.

[Dax Shepard]

Duh.

[Matt]

The maintenance man goes, I don't know how to do that.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, boy.

[Matt]

He goes, do you? She was like, no, I guess we're gonna have to call somebody. So that's another 20, 30 minutes. The water just constantly running.

[Monica Padman]

Oh my God.

[Matt]

The water was in the hallway going into the other rooms. And they walked across the hallway, knocked on the door, and this guy, he was in his boxers and he had a T shirt on and he had a newspaper and he has his reading glasses on. And he just nonchalantly opened the door and they were like, sir, are you okay? And he was like, yeah, I'm fine. And they were like, this floor is being flooded. He goes, yeah, I noticed there was water coming through the door. I just put a towel down. And they were like, do you want us to relocate you? He goes, I got to leave here in just a minute anyway. I'll be good. He wasn't panic about it. Me and my wife are freaking out because we're like, they're going to charge us for this and this is going to cost a lot of money to fix. Thank God it was under my sister in law's name. And they asked, they said, do you want to relocate? I'm like, well, you're shutting off the water, right? And they're like, we still got to get ready. So we abandoned the wedding, we went back home and we're just like, you know what, let's get out of here. They don't have our name, they can't charge us. So we left. Never heard anything back about it. My sister in law never heard anything back about it. But that was the time we flooded an entire floor of a hotel room just by fixing a picture.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, wow, that's rough.

[Dax Shepard]

So the glass cut right through the pvc. Or maybe the impact just broke it.

[Matt]

I think the impact broke it because glass didn't break. Thank God. That would have been even worse. You know, the picture was so heavy, it just broke that PVC pipe right in half. I don't know why they have pvc. PVC pipe coming in from the toilet. Usually it's a metal.

[Dax Shepard]

Also, What a curious place to hang a very heavy pitcher.

[Monica Padman]

That's dangerous in general. It could fall on someone's head. Yeah, they're making a duty.

[Matt]

Needless to say, I'm not allowed to straighten pictures anymore.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, just leave them as is. I have a dumb question, but was the wedding in Lake Lanier? Were you supposed to go a little further north?

[Matt]

I would have to ask my wife. It was my wife's friend. It was on the other side of Griffin. I know that. I was just going where she wanted me to go.

[Dax Shepard]

Right. Oh, well, Mike, I'm glad no one saw a bill for that. Of course. They should just report that to their insurance. That shouldn't be anyone's issue.

[Matt]

Right. And we weren't sure, but we just wanted to make sure that we didn't have to pay it, because I'm sure it was several thousand dollars of damage.

[Dax Shepard]

My brother did the same thing in England two months ago. I got him a room at a nice hotel in London, and he started texting me, panicked. He had left the tub running. Yeah. And he flooded the hotel room. A super expensive place.

[Mike]

Oh.

[Dax Shepard]

No panic that we're going to get a bill for this whole thing.

[Monica Padman]

Well. And that does sound like his own negligence.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, like, yeah, there's supposed to be an overflow, even if it's plugged, but I don't know, something happened.

[Monica Padman]

Uhoh.

[Matt]

I will get a divorce if I don't let my wife come in and meet you guys.

[Dax Shepard]

Of course. Send her in. What's her name?

[Matt]

Liza. Here she is.

[Dax Shepard]

Hi, Liza.

[Mike]

It's a pleasure to meet you both.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, you too. What's the deepest the water got? Was it ankle deep?

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, it was a rough one.

[Dax Shepard]

And where was the wedding supposed to be that you were going to attend?

[Monica Padman]

I honestly don't remember.

[Mike]

It was such a crazy day.

[Monica Padman]

Means a lot to Dax to figure this out.

[Matt]

Sonoya.

[Monica Padman]

No, it was outside of Griffin somewhere. Outside of Griffin?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. I don't know why it's important to me. I'm just trying to think of what was on the other side of Macon from Covington.

[Monica Padman]

He really likes to have the lay of the land of these stories.

[Dax Shepard]

A lot safer if I know the geography of all this. Well, I apologize.

[Mike]

This was probably six years ago, so I was just so glad we didn't.

[Monica Padman]

Have to pay for it.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, yeah. And when you guys pulled out of the parking lot, you must have felt like people that just set a building on fire. Like, go, go, go, go.

[Matt]

We didn't look at anybody as we walked out the building.

[Monica Padman]

You know what you could have done is if they tried to get you to pay, you could have sued them and said that you don't know how to swim and that you almost drowned.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Mike]

That's a great idea.

[Monica Padman]

We actually did end up going swimming that day.

[Matt]

That's what we did. We came home and went swimming.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, then the lawyers would have had footage of them swimming and said, this claim is bullshit. Well, it's lovely meeting both of you.

[Matt]

Nice to meet y'all. Thank y'all so much.

[Dax Shepard]

We like our Georgians.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, we sure do. Neighbors.

[Mike]

Well, we love y'all.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, thank you. All right, take care.

[Matt]

All right, you too. Bye.

[Monica Padman]

I always have a fantasy that one of my friend's parents is gonna call. I want them to do that.

[Dax Shepard]

I don't have that fantasy.

[Monica Padman]

I wonder why we don't have any friends. Parents.

[Dax Shepard]

My mom has a lot of friends.

[Monica Padman]

Not my parents. Friends.

[Dax Shepard]

Ah, my friend's parents. Yeah, I don't have that fantasy either. Okay, just wanted. Because this happened before we're recording. I wanted to tell a hotel story of my own. I have so many. Because we lived in hotels from 14 to 28. Aaron and I doing car shows. We have a lot of bad hotel stories. We have flooded a room or two. We've had some mix ups. But what I wanted to tell people is that my sweet grandma, Grandma Midge. My grandparents owned a little roadside motel called the Colonial Motor Inn in Sturgis, Michigan. And it was off of a turnpike, so you get a lot of truckers and whatnot coming through. But my grandmother on numerous occasions found corpses. She'd get a call from the house cleaning staff. It happened again. Midge. And Midge would get in the case. My grandpa didn't handle it. My grandma Midge did.

[Monica Padman]

She was hands on.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. For some reason that didn't scare away. And as it was later.

[Monica Padman]

She ever was involved in any of the murders?

[Dax Shepard]

No, none of them were murders.

[Brittany]

Oh, okay.

[Dax Shepard]

They're all victims of suicide. And then it was explained to me by my grandmother. People go to motels because they don't want to ruin their own house.

[Monica Padman]

It's really sad.

[Dax Shepard]

It's really, really sad. But my poor little grandma, she was like five foot one, Belgium, tough as nails.

[Monica Padman]

She's not poor because she's five one. She's feisty because she's five one.

[Mike]

Oh my God.

[Monica Padman]

Maybe that's why you like young.

[Dax Shepard]

Grandma. Cuz of my grandma. I like young women.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. No, you like small women.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, my grandma, my mom, my mom's a mini.

[Monica Padman]

How tall is your mom?

[Dax Shepard]

My mom's like five three, five four.

[Monica Padman]

And then Kristen. Yeah, you've been vocal about liking that. Now I think it's all about your grandma.

[Dax Shepard]

Mini mighties. Anyways, I just thought that was interesting.

[Monica Padman]

I think it's.

[Dax Shepard]

I mean it's. It's maab.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, it's pretty sad.

[Dax Shepard]

Morbid, but it's interesting. I wouldn't have thought about that if I didn't have a family member who found corpses in their motel.

[Monica Padman]

Sure. I spent a lot of time in hotels in high school for Cheer? No, because we would go there to drink.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, sure. I did a good deal of that, too.

[Monica Padman]

And we would just tell our parents it was because we wanted to hang out, but we didn't want to, like, keep our parents up.

[Dax Shepard]

They would allow you guys to go to a hotel?

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, they didn't think we were. Well, I don't know what they were just turning a blind eye to and what they knew and didn't know.

[Dax Shepard]

Were you allowed to spend the night there?

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, we spent the night there.

[Dax Shepard]

You guys will go to a hotel for the night. This was generally kept as a secret in my town. People always lie. I'm at Jennifer's house.

[Monica Padman]

I know that's doing irresponsible things quite responsibly. It's like, they do know where we are.

[Dax Shepard]

What was your main hall?

[Monica Padman]

God, that's a good question. I don't know. I have to ask.

[Dax Shepard]

Cheap as possible, I'd imagine, right?

[Monica Padman]

Cheap as possible, but not. We saw some standards, but it was like 10 of us in one room, all drinking, and everyone was throwing. Not me. People would throw up in the tub.

[Dax Shepard]

Would the manager come to tell you.

[Monica Padman]

To keep it never happened.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow, that's so fun. So you probably have a really good memory of these affordable hotels. Would there ever be a pool?

[Monica Padman]

I'm sure at one point there was probably a pool.

[Dax Shepard]

But you don't remember everyone hopping in?

[Monica Padman]

I don't remember when we were drunk.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Okay. Blacked out. All right, let's talk to Bailey in Birmingham, Alabama.

[Monica Padman]

Another Alabama.

[Dax Shepard]

No, I just made up their location because her name, or his name was Bailey.

[Matt]

Hi.

[Brittany]

Hello. How are you guys?

[Dax Shepard]

Hi, Bailey. How are you?

[Brittany]

I'm learning how to use a Mac computer for the first time.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God. That's a huge deal.

[Brittany]

Thank you, PC Girly.

[Dax Shepard]

You sound phenomenal. So it's working brilliantly.

[Brittany]

Good, good, good.

[Dax Shepard]

You look familiar, Bailey.

[Brittany]

Do I?

[Dax Shepard]

You do.

[Monica Padman]

Do you know us?

[Brittany]

Probably.

[Dax Shepard]

Probably. Where are you, Bailey?

[Brittany]

I am in Minnesota.

[Dax Shepard]

Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. And you have a crazy hotel story.

[Brittany]

I do. I'll first tell you a story about my submission.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, great.

[Brittany]

So I submitted, and then I was having intrusive thoughts that I spelled my email wrong. My brain kept telling me, bailey, you spelled your name wrong. You spelled your name wrong. You forgot to do mail dot com. And so I resubmitted and I said, I am so sorry. I'm submitting twice. But I was having intrusive thoughts and I just needed to submit again and make sure I spelled my email correctly.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. And did Emma say You got it right the first time, or thank God you corrected this.

[Brittany]

Nobody said so. Maybe the intrusive thoughts were correct.

[Dax Shepard]

She got her email right both times. Oh, Rob just looked it up. He did the research. And you got it right both times.

[Brittany]

Hey, the intrusive thoughts didn't win.

[Monica Padman]

That's good. We don't like it when they win. It's like when you have to go check your stove or something.

[Dax Shepard]

And if it's ever actually on, that'll fuel you for another 10 years.

[Brittany]

You guys get it.

[Dax Shepard]

Even when it's not on, it doesn't help. You don't even take on that info. You know what? It's never on. You don't do that. That's the nature of it.

[Monica Padman]

I kind of do. I'm like, that was so silly. But I still keep checking.

[Dax Shepard]

That's right. My point. Yeah. Okay, so hit us with your hotel story.

[Brittany]

I will take you guys back to 2012. I was 21 or so, and naturally was going to a family wedding. And you know, I'm a cheap college kid at the time, so I'm not going to spend that $62 on a hotel by myself.

[Dax Shepard]

And mom and dad aren't going to spring for it, or they will if you sleep in their room.

[Brittany]

If I sleep in the room with them, they're going to pay for it. So my sister and I decide, hey, let's stay with mom and dad. Two queen beds. This would be perfect. So we get to the wedding. Mom and dad have two DDs for the night.

[Dax Shepard]

That's you and your sister.

[Brittany]

Absolutely.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, you're 21. You're not going to drink at this wedding?

[Brittany]

I don't know if I did.

[Dax Shepard]

How old was your sister? Younger or older?

[Brittany]

She would have been 19. She honestly probably was drinking. I was probably the designator.

[Matt]

Okay.

[Dax Shepard]

Interesting. This is the Minnesota way.

[Brittany]

Mom and dad, they let loose. Why not?

[Dax Shepard]

Good for them.

[Brittany]

We go to the wedding, all is fine. Went back to the hotel that night, go to bed. We're a farm family, so we all knew we were going to have to wake up probably like 6am to head home. We had an hour and a half drive back home to get chores done.

[Dax Shepard]

Hold on a second. That's farm life. No matter what. If there was a wedding, we don't ever get to sleep in.

[Brittany]

No. Cattle still have to be fed. Gotta feed America.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes, you do.

[Monica Padman]

Really? True.

[Dax Shepard]

We thank you for your service.

[Brittany]

So the morning came, and it was 6am bright and early. And I think my parents were probably milking a hangover. A little bit. So they wake up a little disoriented. Kind of like, hey, girls, can you guys go get us some coffee? We're like, yeah, we'll go get you guys some coffee. Let me set the scene a little bit about where our room is. So our hotel room is on the first floor. I wish I was in the room with you guys because I would physically walk how far the coffee machine was from our room. Just imagine about 12ft. So the continental breakfast has the nice little spouts.

[Dax Shepard]

I don't know.

[Brittany]

Not a coffee drinker. But we each grab two cups because they are dying of thirst. As we walk out, I flip that latch that keeps the hotel door open. So I didn't let the hotel door lock and I didn't bring a key. We are holding the cups of coffee. My sister's behind me. I walk in first. As we walk in, we see my mother bent over the bed.

[Monica Padman]

With her.

[Brittany]

Pajama shorts down around her ankles and my dad just doing it from behind.

[Dax Shepard]

Just plowing her from behind.

[Brittany]

Absolutely.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. They're like ornery and hungover and grumpy and horny. I know that feeling pretty well. We are supported by the new holiday action comedy Red 1. The mission to save Christmas is on. Dwayne Johnson and Chris Evans star in Red One from Jake Kasdan, who I love, as you know, director of Jumanji. Welcome to the jungle. After Santa Claus, codename Red One, played by J.K. simmons, is kidnapped, the North Pole's head of security, played by Dwayne Johnson, must team up with the world's most infamous bounty hunter, played by Chris Evans, in a globetrotting, action packed mission to save Christmas. This is Christmas fun like you've never seen before. See Red One only in theaters November 15th. Get tickets [e-mail]. we are supported by Audible. I love Audible. I've been listening to so much Audible lately because I've been taking these naps a lot. I always like to listen to Audible to go to sleep. Now look, it's a special feeling when you encounter a story that truly sparks your imagination. Whether it's imagining new worlds and possibilities or discovering new ways of thinking, there's more to imagine when you listen. That's why we love listening to the amazing titles they have on Audible. Right now I'm listening to WIM hof.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. And you are really into it. You were explaining a lot of the pieces to me.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. And I lost you a little bit.

[Monica Padman]

I'm listening to Intermezzo by Sally Rooney.

[Dax Shepard]

Is it Great.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, it's great.

[Dax Shepard]

Audible truly has the best selection of audiobooks, without exception. From bestsellers to new releases to exclusive Audible originals, there's always something to discover. As an Audible member, you choose one title a month to keep from their entire catalog. New members can try audible free for 30 days. Visit audible.comdax or text DAX to 500. 500. That's audible.comdax or text Dax to 500. 500. We are supported by Sonos. Oh, boy, oh, boy. Sonos is my favorite product in my whole life. I've listened to it all day long. I'm in the gym listening to Sonos. I'm at home, listen, watching TV with my Sonos soundbar. I mean, it's.

[Monica Padman]

It really changes the whole experience of listening.

[Dax Shepard]

Look, you're listening to the podcast right now, but how are you listening if you're not listening on a Sonos speaker? You don't even know how amazing the dulcet tones of our voices can sound. Sonos is known for having the absolute best sound quality of any speaker on the market. It. You've got to hear it. And as good as Sonos can make us sound, imagine listening to Pink Floyd on a Sonos speaker or hearing the booming, dramatic music in a great action film on a Sonos soundbar. Game changing. Another incredible feature of Sonos. Their integrated sound system makes it easy to play anything in any room.

[Monica Padman]

I love that it's easy to use.

[Dax Shepard]

Too, so you can keep your dance party going throughout your whole house. Visit sonos.comdax to learn more. That's sonos.com hashtags.

[Brittany]

So I'm telling myself that they were definitely still drunk. So I'm holding the cups of coffee.

[Dax Shepard]

Hold on. There's a lot here because, you know, you guys left and your dad's like, oh, I gotta get in there, right? Or something. Or. Or mom was like, oh, you gotta get it in there. One of them was like, you gotta get in there. But both of them were so optimistic of how quick. Yeah. That they were gonna be able to get this done with and be back in bed acting asleep within a minute or two.

[Brittany]

Okay, now, mind you, this could have all been prevented if I would have just let that hotel door lock. But here we are. I yell, what the fudge? I'm just thankful I did not drop the cups of coffee. I set them on the table, and at that point, my mom rips her pajama shorts up, and she says, bradley, I knew we wouldn't have enough time.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, I knew it. I knew it.

[Monica Padman]

I didn't know.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, we tried to be fair, but we were also being unrealistic.

[Monica Padman]

Why did he. Oh, I knew.

[Dax Shepard]

We knew we didn't have time and I told you so immediately.

[Monica Padman]

Exactly.

[Dax Shepard]

Now I got. Hold on a second. We got to drill a little deeper again right here. Which is. If I'm in that situation and my children walk in, I don't want mom to separate and pull her dungarees up. It's probably best for everyone if we just freeze and everyone gets out of the room. Because if mom disengages now Dad's erections on the scene. Oh, right. Much better off keeping it. Okay, this is coming.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Brittany]

So at that point, my mom yells, bradley. We did not have enough time for that. At that same point, my dad grabs the sheet off of the bed and he does like this. Whips to the other side of the bed. And my dad's a short, stocky dad bod. Guy has this now toga sheet wrapped around him. Looks like a little Greek God of some sort as he stands up and I'm like, what is happening here? So I go sit on the corner of the bed.

[Monica Padman]

Oh God, you.

[Brittany]

No, not their bed.

[Mike]

Right.

[Monica Padman]

But you did decide to stay.

[Dax Shepard]

Sounds like she was shell shocked.

[Brittany]

Maybe I was shell shocked. Exactly.

[Dax Shepard]

I bet the thought crosses your mind, like, oh, are we gonna act like no one saw this? So I gotta play my part.

[Monica Padman]

Except she already said, what the fuck? And then there was already that we didn't have time.

[Dax Shepard]

Mom already let the cat out of the bag. But I do understand that impulse to just act like everything's normal. In which case I would stay in the room and sit on the bed. Do you think that maybe is what happened?

[Brittany]

I.

[Dax Shepard]

You don't know?

[Brittany]

I honestly don't. I remember it was 6:15 and I have a pink flip phone at the time. And I'm like, I'm going to T9 word anybody I can right now to tell them what happened. I'm starting to send out the mass text. You guys aren't going to believe how my morning is. This just happened. This is bizarre. I remember sitting there, it was probably only a few minutes as they're getting dressed. At this point I gotta ask a.

[Dax Shepard]

Very uncomfortable question, but I think people will be mad if I don't. Dad, he's in a very thin sheet. Do we notice is he popped a tent or whatever they say pop.

[Monica Padman]

No, that's a tent, right?

[Dax Shepard]

What do you call that, Rob?

[Monica Padman]

A tent puppet.

[Dax Shepard]

Pitch a tent. Pitch a tent. Can we see that? Dad has an erection that's poking out.

[Brittany]

No, thank gosh.

[Monica Padman]

Also, you're not looking well.

[Dax Shepard]

You just. You see.

[Monica Padman]

You're actively trying to not see stuff at that point.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Brittany]

I think the visual of just the bending over action. Plenty.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. That was enough.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Really quick. I'm gonna let you move on. But also, there's so many choices that were made. I need to do this really quick. Okay. He was too hopeful and optimistic.

[Monica Padman]

They probably thought the door was locked or closed. That would be my guess.

[Dax Shepard]

But also, best case scenario, stay under the sheets, climb on top of mom.

[Monica Padman]

That's how they like to do it.

[Dax Shepard]

Clearly to the point where it's worth the risk. Because if he had just got on top of her and kept the sheets on. We're fine. Almost. But no, he's standing and she's bent over like a sawhorse.

[Monica Padman]

Gets off Dax. And she needs to also get.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, get hers.

[Monica Padman]

This is what happened in his head. He's probably like, okay, yeah, probably will take a little longer than the coffee, but maybe an extra, like, 20 seconds. And that's fine. We'll just open the door then.

[Dax Shepard]

And mom will say, dad had to take a dump.

[Monica Padman]

Exactly.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Matt]

All right.

[Mike]

We're back.

[Dax Shepard]

We're back.

[Brittany]

Which is a life lesson for really anybody is just let that door lock.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. Let it go.

[Brittany]

So I was T9 wording all of my best besties. I remember turning to my sister, who has not said a word yet, and I turned to her and I'm like, let's go to the truck now and listen to my ipod.

[Dax Shepard]

Now.

[Brittany]

Mind you, we have an hour and a half drive still with them.

[Dax Shepard]

God, and your farmers. Like, I feel like some family of artists could have handled this a little better.

[Brittany]

My sister has been quiet the entire time. And we get to the truck, and we're like, okay, we're just gonna listen to the ipod for the next hour and a half. No words whatsoever. And of course, we don't have AirPods or any. Anything back in the day. So we've got the one strand between us. One ear. One ear. Just jam into the ipod the whole way home. We get home, and we're carrying buckets of feed to the cattle. And my sister says, bailey, I just don't know how they thought they were going to have enough time. I said, they didn't.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, that's the big question that remains.

[Dax Shepard]

They didn't apologize or anything?

[Brittany]

No.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. Pretend it didn't happen. You guys don't skewer them. Get Christmas 10 years later. You guys don't make jokes.

[Brittany]

We might now.

[Dax Shepard]

I think it's time.

[Brittany]

It's time for it to resurface. 11 years.

[Dax Shepard]

Statue of limitations is up.

[Brittany]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

I gotta applaud their youthfulness, though. Yeah, there's something life affirming.

[Brittany]

Yes. I was going to add that I'm very thankful that they love each other. I mean, that's a relationship that everyone strives for. Let's get a quickie before the girls come back.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, that is. That is nice. How old were they at the time, do you think?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, you were 21.

[Brittany]

Early 50s.

[Dax Shepard]

God, your dad's a workhorse. What a stud.

[Monica Padman]

That is almost.

[Dax Shepard]

I know, but you gotta understand, men didn't get erections in the 80s once they hit 50. I think impotency was real standard for anyone post 50. I think so. Well, we'll get some data on this. All right, Bailey.

[Brittany]

And report back.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, you'll hear about it on a future fact check, I bet.

[Monica Padman]

Well, thanks for sharing that horrible story. That was amazing.

[Dax Shepard]

I really enjoyed it.

[Brittany]

Thank you. And I just want to do a quick shout out to my friend Paula, who's been a listener of yours since the beginning, and she's been listening for a prompt to submit this story, and she's actually here.

[Liza]

Oh, great.

[Dax Shepard]

Let's say hi to Paula.

[Brittany]

Do you care if she jumps on the mic?

[Dax Shepard]

Let's say hi to Paula.

[Bailey]

What if it's Paula Abdul?

[Dax Shepard]

Could be Ishi, Minnesota. Hello. Hi, Paula.

[Mike]

Oh, my God.

[Brittany]

The attic. I love it.

[Dax Shepard]

Nice to meet you.

[Brittany]

Nice to meet you, too. I just have to say, Dax, you're my Matt Damon.

[Dax Shepard]

Aw, Paula.

[Brittany]

We have been waiting for this prompt forever, and I'm so glad Bailey got to tell it. It's so hilarious. And I wish she could have told it in person. Cause she does actions and it's just so funny. But poor Bailey, in all seriousness, this podcast has done so much for me, and you guys are the reason I'm in therapy. So props to you guys and you're helping so many people.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, thank you, Paula. We appreciate that. Well, it's nice meeting both of you. Please tell Bailey we love that story.

[Brittany]

Us too. So thank you so much. Good to meet you guys.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, take care, guys. Bye. Bye, Bailey. That got crazy. She was, like, vanishing and she was. Bailey was suspended in air for some reason.

[Mike]

She was slowly back.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. Trying to get the focus on Paula. I almost wonder if they orchestrated that whole thing. Oh, Bailey. She's kind of the perfect person to have seen that. That. Can't believe he was on his feet. Pounding from behind. We could have been having anal sex. Well, Jesus. Wow. Bailey's mom you're talking about. My God, morning anal.

[Monica Padman]

Also, when you touched this, I thought what if it crashed and broke a pipe?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, that would be fitting.

[Monica Padman]

I know.

[Dax Shepard]

You can't have morning anal sex.

[Monica Padman]

Yes you can.

[Dax Shepard]

No, cuz you got a dump in the morning.

[Monica Padman]

Maybe they had already poop.

[Mike]

Hi there. Hi.

[Dax Shepard]

Hi. Sorry, we were saying naughty stuff right as you signed on.

[Mike]

Makes me happy. I love it.

[Dax Shepard]

Are you in a bunk bed with a sheet?

[Mike]

I am in a blanket for bunk bed. Absolutely. It's my best option.

[Dax Shepard]

This is a first.

[Monica Padman]

This is good. This sounds great.

[Dax Shepard]

A lot of ingenuity happening. What do you do for a living?

[Mike]

So I own a beach resort on the Jersey shore with my family.

[Dax Shepard]

Have you ever seen like the Situation in the gang?

[Mike]

No, we're not that type of Jersey shore. We're like the quaint, family friendly, low key Jersey shorts.

[Dax Shepard]

Were you ever curious when they were shooting that show to wander up there and see if you could see him? I was obsessed with them.

[Mike]

Not really our vibe. You know, we like to stay a couple islands down, but they're fun to watch.

[Dax Shepard]

I guess that's fair. Am I right to think that the season is coming to an end? Is it a good time for you or a sad time?

[Mike]

No, it's great. Couple more weeks to go and then we're done.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, I have a feeling this story is about their own. Your own.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, that would be a first. A proprietor.

[Mike]

It is. It's about our hotel. And as low key as it normally is, we see our fair share of crazy stuff. So I've got a doozy for you guys today.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, how many rooms are there? I want to get like kind of an idea of what we're looking at.

[Mike]

53. So we're pretty tiny. We're like a restaurant, nightclub, wedding venue.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow.

[Mike]

This a lot of fun.

[Dax Shepard]

Very nice. Really quickly, my grandparents owned a motel and I was just telling Monica that my grandma many times found dead bodies. Does that happen to you?

[Mike]

No dead bodies for us. Knock on wood.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, great. Great, great, great. Oh, sorry. Not. Not. There we go. Okay.

[Mike]

All right, well, I'm just going to dive on into it. So it's a Friday morning, I'm coming into work and you know, we work some late night hours usually. So sometimes in the morning I come in around checkout time for the hotel. I walk in, I open the front door right to our lobby. And normally it would be a pretty low key scene. It would Be a couple people checking out, people gathering their stuff, getting ready to go. And immediately, I can tell that is not the case for this morning. It is a zoo in the lobby. There is pretty much the entire hotel's worth of people standing around our tiny little lobby.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow.

[Mike]

And they are losing their minds.

[Bailey]

Oh.

[Mike]

I can immediately sense the tension in the room. And I'm overhearing people going like, what did you lose? I lost my beach towels. They were pottery bond. They're marigrammed. We lost all our life jackets. So I am on high alert. I lock eyes with our front desk receptionist, and she just gives me that nod, like, go to the office. I'm going to meet you in there. She presents me with a full yellow legal pad of missing items from hotel rooms.

[Dax Shepard]

What?

[Mike]

Side note, we are that idyllic little town where people leave all their stuff outside of the room at night. You leave your car doors unlocked. Everybody puts their beach towels, their beach gear, outside of their room. Never been an issue. Apparently today was not that day because almost every single hotel room had come down and reported something from outside of their room missing. Nothing like this has ever happened before. So I am in semi panic mode. You know, we want to keep our guests happy and don't know what to do. So I'm reeling, trying to think, what's our next step here? And in walks two of our managers. And I have a manager Heather, who does our front desk, and a manager Tina, who does our housekeeping. And they come in, and they were in earlier than me. And we've got a story for you. One of our housekeepers had walked by one of the other rooms and noticed as she looked through an open door, a boatload of beach stuff, like mountains of beach gear in a certain hotel room. So she's like, all right, we've got an issue. So, you know, it was like 10:45 when I got in there. Checkout's 11. So I'm like, all right, let's go upstairs. I gather my girls, we head up the stairs. Some of our rooms are oceanfront and they've got private balconies. So we go to the one next to this room who's already been checked out of, and I walk out on the balcony, and I'm peeking over to the next room, and I'm trying to figure out, oh, my God, is this it? And I just see mountains of things. All the beach towels stacked up, puddle jumpers, beach gear. I mean, everything. So it's now 11:01, and this is no longer this lady's room. So I'm like, all right, let's go. So I leave my girls down the hallway. I go up, I knock on the door. Little side note about this lady, she's already been an issue in the hotel. You know, we've got bars, we've got a nightclub. We've had a lot of complaints about.

[Dax Shepard]

Her so far already, ranging from just she's nosy or she's aggressive.

[Mike]

Loud, loud, aggressive. Too drunk. Causing scenes, chirping up people at the bar, being rude to the security guards. Like, you name it, she was doing it. She's been a handful.

[Matt]

Okay.

[Mike]

So I knock on the door, tell her who I am, Kind of give her the old, hey, had a couple complaints about some hotel rooms. Are you missing anything? She's like, oh, no, what are you talking about? And as she steps sort of to the side, I look over her shoulder and I'm like, how many towels did you bring with you on this vacation? At this point, I'm like, I'm coming in the room. So I sort of just walk past her. And our rooms have a little bit of an entry hallway, and then they open up into the larger space. So I'm coming in and I'm clocking all the stuff. I'm seeing the towel with Olivia's name on it. Oh, my God. Huddle jumper with the mermaids on it that's been reported missing. I have the list with me and I'm like, this is it. Yet we've got a kleptomaniac on her hands. As I walk through the threshold to the room, I look to my right and I catch eyes with somebody I know in her bed.

[Dax Shepard]

We are supported by peloton. Are you tired of the same old workout routine or struggling to find motivation at this busy time of year? It's time to check out peloton.

[Monica Padman]

Peloton is so great. We all know this also. Not only is it a good workout, which I did at our friend Molly's house, it's a great workout. But it's also, like, pretty. It's sleek.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, it is. It's a good looking piece.

[Monica Padman]

Very aesthetically pleasing. And you know that matters to me.

[Dax Shepard]

I know. I agree. Well, peloton has a variety of training programs. They got pilates, 5k, 10k, half, and full marathon programs, strength training, boot camps. There's so many ways to challenge yourself.

[Monica Padman]

It's so helpful to have a set plan. It takes the guesswork out. It just makes it easier to get started on your fitness journey.

[Dax Shepard]

That's great. And there's so many options on Peloton so you can find a workout that gives you exactly what you're looking for.

[Monica Padman]

What kind of workout are you feeling today?

[Dax Shepard]

Well, I gotta tell you, I was recently advised by a doctor to incorporate some more blasts, some high intensity blasts that you get this special. He said, look at sprinters, right? Why do they look like that? Because they're in this really high heart rate for some period of time and it's really beneficial. So I'm looking to go hard, hard, hard.

[Monica Padman]

Cool. Well, whatever you're looking for, Peloton has the workout for you and they have world class fitness instructors to push you to the next level.

[Dax Shepard]

Find your push. Find your power with [e-mail] we are supported by Wayfair oh my goodness, I love Wayfair. My feet are on a Wayfair coffee table right now that I'm in love with. I cannot believe the holidays are just around the corner. If you're hosting this holiday season, it's definitely that time where you need to start prepping the house to make things festive but also functional for your guests. Way Wayfair is the place to get great deals on things your home actually needs this time of year. Cozier blankets, maybe a few extra dining chairs, holiday serveware. You name it, they have it. If you've been eyeing a few things on Wayfair, now is the time to get them. They have huge holiday deals going on right now and you can get up to 70% off during their Black Friday deals. That's huge. 70%.

[Monica Padman]

As you said, we have a coffee table, we have have side tables in the studio. This whole place is Wayfair.

[Dax Shepard]

We are decked out. Wayfair also offers free and easy shipping, even on the big stuff, and they'll help you set it up. One less thing to worry about this busy season. Don't miss out on saving big with Wayfair this holiday. Head to Wayfair.com now to shop Wayfair's Black Friday deals. That's W A Y F A I R.com we are supported by 23andMe plus total health. Advocating for your health and the personalized care you need and deserve in today's one size fits all healthcare system feels impossible. 23andMe + Total Health is a longevity platform that uses cutting edge genetic testing and blood biomarker analysis to help you create a health plan that's unique to you. With their advanced genetic screening, you'll get access to insights into your potential future disease risks, which can help lead to early detection and even prevention.

[Monica Padman]

23Andme is how we learned about misophonia.

[Dax Shepard]

That's right.

[Monica Padman]

It's how we gave it credit.

[Dax Shepard]

And I just ordered a supplemental test that already was there. They just had to analyze it for our Isaacson. Yes, with 23andMe plus total health, you get comprehensive blood testing beyond routine labs, which can help you get a better understanding of how your health is changing throughout the year. Best of all, it's FSAHSA eligible. Check with your administrator to confirm eligibility. Advocate for your health today. Go to 23andMe.com Dax to receive 10% off. That's 10% off at 23andMe.com Dax.

[Mike]

So we have a lot of different bands that play at our resort and some play weekly. And I look over and one of the trombone players from a band who plays at the resort a lot is tucked up to his chin in her.

[Dax Shepard]

Bed, is surrounded with merch, endless gear.

[Mike]

I mean, a hotel's full. You could have a whole camp with the amount of gear for children that is in this room. So I look at him and we're just eyes on each other like we know each other and he's a deer in headlights. So I look over at her and I'm like, hey, do you guys have any kids registered with your reservation? Because I know it's just her in this room. And she goes, oh, he has kids.

[Dax Shepard]

So she's thinking on her feet, she's.

[Mike]

Moving quick, she's trying. But I know this guy and he does not have children of this age. And I've never seen him with any family of anybody at the resort. So I look right at her and I go, that's not true. Come on. And he is still just stone cold. So I'm like, listen guys, I'm under the assumption that you've stolen all this stuff from all of our hotel guests. I go, I'm going to take it back. I go out to the hallway, I hootie hoop my staff and I ask them to come down and they bring a whole crew of housekeepers. I mean, this is five, six ladies, arms full of stuff, just taking it all out.

[Dax Shepard]

At this moment in your mind, have you tried to figure out? Because I'm immediately thinking this is the act of a super hammered person that didn't really know what they were doing. Not so much that they actually are a thief that wants this stuff. My guess right now is she woke up and was just as surprised as you are that all that stuff was in her room.

[Mike]

She was absolutely drinking the night before. But the reason that's not the case is because everything was nicely folded. She had mounds of towels rolled up perfectly and was loading them into her suitcase.

[Monica Padman]

How's she getting this out of here without people noticing?

[Dax Shepard]

Also, what the hell are you gonna do with all this stuff? Sound like it's highly resell?

[Monica Padman]

I think it's about that. It's just about the stealing, okay?

[Mike]

Also, she is so far on left field, I've just accused her of robbing the entire hotel. She could care less. She's smiling. She's joking with me. She is not defensive at all. I'm just like, okay, so we get all this stuff out of the room, and I look at the guy and I go, listen, I'm going to step out of the hallway. I'm going to give you two minutes to get decent. And after that, I'm coming in. You guys are getting out of the room. I walk out. I'm not out there 30 seconds. He comes barreling out the door, down the hallway. Won't even look at me. He's gone. So I'm like, all right, I'll deal with this guy another day. I know who this guy is. So I go back in, and I'm trying to just get the ball rolling for this. I'm like, you gotta go.

[Dax Shepard]

We're not gonna call the cops. You're like, I'm not interested in that.

[Mike]

I'm not even there. I'm just like, you gotta get out of this place. We have reclaimed everything. We're not gonna make a big deal out of this, but you gotta get out of here. So I'm grabbing her stuff for her. I'm literally. She brought a Keurig machine. I'm holding her Keurig that she stole.

[Monica Padman]

From the last hotel, probably.

[Mike]

She's joking me about the weather. She's saying how much she loves our resort. And I'm just like, we gotta go, lady. I get her down the hallway, out to her car. Car. As we're walking, she's detailing her plans to go to the next hotel down the street and check in. And I'm like, oh, God. So I get her in her car. I'm immediately calling the other hotel owner because, you know, we're a small town and being like, hey, this is coming your way. Absolutely. Do not let this lady check in. Before I can even get off the phone, I'm beeping through with another call from our housekeeping manager. And she's like, you need to get back up here right away.

[Monica Padman]

What the fuck?

[Mike]

I'm like, did this lady sneak back in the other side? Like, what am I getting back into? So I hustle back up there and I get in there and there's a team of housekeepers in there. They'd come in. It's already past checkout. They're trying to get in there and clean the room. We've got a full hotel to flip over. And they are just shocked. And I'm like, what's going on? They pull back the sheets and poop sands all over the sheets. Same bed Mr. Trombone Player was just laying in. We don't have cameras in the room, so we'll never know what really happened.

[Monica Padman]

So he was covered in the. The poop. When he was in the sheets, there.

[Mike]

Was just poop stains, like poop juice all over the sheets.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, baby.

[Mike]

And I don't know if I was so freaked out by the situation of the theft originally that I didn't smell it, didn't notice it. Like, the balcony door was open, but I looked down and there's one of the little maps we give out of our island that gives, like, tourist spots and restaurant recommendations. Somebody moves that with a gloved hand. Pile of poop juice. We look in the bathroom, poop washcloths.

[Brittany]

What?

[Mike]

But we had deducted that they must have gotten absolutely hammered the night before, gone on a drunken rage of ransacking the hotel, and then probably celebrated with a big round of butt sacks right before they left. Yes.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Mike]

Who else lays in those sheets? You're not gonna lay in poop sheets.

[Monica Padman]

If you're not a part of it 100%. By the way, when we got on with you and we said we were just talking about naughty stuff. It was anal.

[Dax Shepard]

It was that. It was. Is someone walked in on their dad pounding mom, bent over the bed. It was like 6:15 in the morning. And I said, well, no one have anal sex in the morning. But now we're hearing this story.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. Well, we don't know if it was morning or night or. Yeah.

[Mike]

Celebrated poop everywhere.

[Matt]

Wow.

[Mike]

That's the whole story. I mean, it ended in a good note. We have a great team. They clean the room. We have professional carpet cleaner machines. Like, we took care of it. All the guests were happy just to get their stuff back. So it was a happy ending.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God. I wonder if there was any poop on any of this stuff.

[Dax Shepard]

People are animals.

[Mike]

It was nuts. It's been six, seven years since the story, and we still call the trombone guy Roto Rooter.

[Dax Shepard]

So he stayed under your employ? Did you guys ever have any follow up conversation about that whole sitch?

[Mike]

He left the band for a few years and then he's been back recently. I don't give him shit. I just kind of give him a little side eye when I see him.

[Monica Padman]

Like, I know he has the audacity to show his face again.

[Dax Shepard]

Would say to him, listen, Carl, I'm going to let you work here, but you shouldn't have sex with the guests. That's off the table. But if it does happen, be mildly respectful.

[Mike]

Clean up a little bit.

[Monica Padman]

Clean up.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow.

[Mike]

We had to throw away all the sheets, all the towels, you know, everything. I mean, the room got stripped down to bare bones and started over, but it was nasty.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, talk about insulting the juice description is really something. This might not shock you, but in my 20 plus years in AA, this is the kind of story I hear. You know, this is generally someone's body bottom. Yeah, pun intended.

[Mike]

I just want to thank you guys for this. This was so much fun. I'm obsessed with your podcast. I listen every week, all the shows.

[Dax Shepard]

Thank you. That was incredible. What a morning you had.

[Monica Padman]

I love that.

[Mike]

Oh, great start to my weekend.

[Dax Shepard]

And all the guests, they were delighted when they got their stuff back. Everything was fine.

[Mike]

Everybody was happy. Nobody caused a ruckus or anything. They were just happy to get their stuff and go to the beach that day.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, God, that poor woman. She's really hanging on by a thread.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, let's hope she turned it around around.

[Mike]

Yeah. Hopefully she's doing better things with her life these days.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, Brittany, thank you. That was a blast.

[Mike]

Before I leave, my friend Heather, who was a part of the story, who turned me onto your podcast, is here. Do you care if she says hi real quick?

[Dax Shepard]

Of course. Let's say hi to Heather.

[Mike]

She's our front desk manager. She was one of the ones that was a part of the beginning.

[Dax Shepard]

Hi. Hi, Heather.

[Mike]

Oh, my God, this is so exciting.

[Dax Shepard]

Now, did you also go take a look at the wreckage in the bed or do you take everyone's word for it?

[Monica Padman]

You got eyes on that? I got eyes on all of it.

[Mike]

It was pretty nasty.

[Monica Padman]

And would you also describe it as Juice?

[Brittany]

Yeah, I would say juice and then some.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, sure. Well, so nice meeting both of you. This was incredible.

[Mike]

You too. Thanks so much.

[Dax Shepard]

Take care, ladies. I kind of want to go stay there now.

[Monica Padman]

It sounds really nice. I don't want to stay in that room.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, I'll ask them what room that was in. I can't believe she said celebrated with a round.

[Monica Padman]

You really can't.

[Dax Shepard]

What a way to phrase that around.

[Monica Padman]

Sounds like it might have been multiple rounds based on the amount of sewage.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, Guy was laying in it.

[Monica Padman]

Why was he laying in it?

[Dax Shepard]

He didn't know what to do.

[Monica Padman]

Do you think the percentage of anal is higher at a hotel than it is in your home?

[Dax Shepard]

I do.

[Monica Padman]

People don't want to desecrate their home with the butt, but they're fine with it.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, look at my only story of pooping a bed was at a hotel.

[Monica Padman]

You've pooped a bed before in your house?

[Dax Shepard]

No, I don't think so.

[Monica Padman]

Really?

[Dax Shepard]

No. Aaron's kind of known for that. My only pootie in a bed was that experience. Oh, hello. Is this Matt?

[Bailey]

Hey, Dex. Hey, Monica. How are you guys?

[Monica Padman]

Great.

[Liza]

Good.

[Dax Shepard]

Where are you calling us from?

[Bailey]

I'm calling from New York. Manhattan.

[Monica Padman]

Ooh, the big city. We love it.

[Bailey]

Yes, the Big Apple.

[Dax Shepard]

If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere, Monica.

[Monica Padman]

That's what they say.

[Dax Shepard]

Do you know how to get to Carnegie Hall?

[Monica Padman]

What?

[Dax Shepard]

Lots of practice is the answer.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, I'm glad. There was a joke there I really didn't understand.

[Dax Shepard]

Adam Kirsch told me that joke. I love it. How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Lots of practice. Okay, hit us with your hotel story.

[Bailey]

Yeah. So this starts in the height of COVID going into 2021 to the end of 2020. My friend Slater and I are located in New York City. It's freezing cold, all the bars are closed, so there's not much for us to do. And with winter coming, being in a 2x4 apartment didn't really sound exciting.

[Dax Shepard]

Especially if your name is Slate.

[Monica Padman]

Slater's meant to be out on the tunnel.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, Slater needs some action.

[Bailey]

Exactly. He actually has really good dance moves. So that's a different story. Our friend Nick, who is located down in Florida, was FaceTiming us every other day trying to get us to come down and say it's bright and shiny down here. It's warm, it's beautiful. So Slater and I decided, let's do it. So once New Year's happened, we took a train down to Orlando, Florida. And that's kind of where we bounced around during COVID from Orlando to Miami and then ultimately Sarasota for about six to seven months.

[Dax Shepard]

Really quick. I'm just learning you can take a train from Manhattan to Orlando.

[Bailey]

You have to go to Virginia, and then they have the Amtrak auto and you load your car up and then you take a train down to Orlando.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, you put your car on the train.

[Bailey]

It's super cool.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow.

[Bailey]

The tickets weren't that bad, and we needed a car down in there, so we decided to do that. We ended up starting in Orlando. We were renting Airbnbs month to month, and then ultimately we wanted to go to Sarasota. So our Airbnb finished, and then the start of the new one. We had a week gas. We decided to go to Miami. We were supposed to stay with one of my friends. She happened to get Covid. So we decided to last minute book a hotel in an area of Miami. I had been around constantly pre Covid. As we were kind of getting to the hotel, we realized that it's spring break in Miami.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow.

[Bailey]

So all the cooped up Covid people were letting loose. That's when you were seeing on the news about the whole curfew issue and mayhem going on in Miami.

[Dax Shepard]

I do remember that. Yeah.

[Bailey]

We pulled up, the receptionist at the hotel looked at us, and they see us in polos and khaki shorts and nice shoes while everyone else is kind of in their swimsuit, drinking in the lobby. Music's blasting, and we had our golf bags, our work stuff, and we're ready to work in this hotel. So when we get to our room, you have the TV in the bureau, and then the hotel gives you a desk on the right side. Slater happened to set up his desk on the right. So we're about four feet apart. The next morning, we hit the gym, we come back, and we just start our workday. He's on kind calls, I'm on client calls. This is kind of where we developed this concept, which is called the midday shower, which is basically a way to essentially break up your work day into two halves.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. This is proprietary shower, go for a walk.

[Bailey]

Basically get away from your laptop, and when you come back, you feel refreshed. Behind him was the bathroom wall. So all he had to do is basically get up, turn, and go around. He turned the water on, and then this is where I heard a muffled poof.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh.

[Bailey]

The best way I could describe this noise is the shower head fell off and hit the empty tub. And that's kind of what it sounded to me. I didn't know what was going on. So I looked left, and this is kind of where I saw debris in the air.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh.

[Bailey]

I looked at his monitor. I saw the plastic was pointing out at him as he'd been sitting in the chair, and there was a hole through it.

[Dax Shepard]

Whoa.

[Monica Padman]

Wait, what?

[Dax Shepard]

Whoa.

[Bailey]

I realized that a bullet went through. I just jumped on the floor.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my goodness.

[Bailey]

Slater came out of the bathroom, and he looked at me, and he goes, what was that? And I said, bullet. So he dropped to the floor, and I crawled towards him. And then we're sitting on the bathroom floor trying to figure out what just happened. We called 911. We said, hey, we're in room XYZ at this location. Then we realized we have to call the hotel downstairs. I don't know why I didn't really Google try to call the front desk. Maybe it was going to 1, 800, I can't really remember. So this is where I crawled from the shower to the center of the room for the phone, called the hotel downstairs. I said, hey, there was a shot fired. And they were. Were basically like, okay, please be safe. And then we hung up. Thankfully, there wasn't any further shooting. Nothing. So we were all safe, thankfully. And I don't know what time from that period from we made the calls to when they showed up, might have been maybe around like, a half an hour. And then ultimately, we heard a knock on the door. Hey, it's the cops. We opened the door. He decided to escort us out safely to the elevator. And the individual next door to us comes out as if nothing happened and is just walking, walking by us. And the cop said, are you in this room? He said, yeah. So the cop started to interrogate him, and Slater and I went down to the hotel lobby into the conference room with a cop and the manager of the hotel for about an hour or so. Slater and I realized that we're in the middle of a work day. We asked the cop, can we go back upstairs? We don't want to say we're in Miami, where if you look out the window, there's partying and everything kind of going crazy.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bailey]

So we realized basically what happened. The bullet hole was through the wall through Slater's monitor, and had he been sitting there, it would have shot him right in the chest.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God. Thank God for your proprietary shower break.

[Bailey]

Exactly. And then we realized since he wasn't sitting there, it went through the wall where the shower was located, and it actually chipped the tile. So had it been maybe even a stronger bullet and Slater was in the shower, it would have hit him in the backside too. Anyway, so we were really thankful. So then we get our work material, we head downstairs.

[Dax Shepard]

You guys are good employees. I want to add, I know no one's thinking about calling the boss and going like, hey, we almost got shot. A second ago. We're going to have to call some of these clients back later.

[Bailey]

We didn't want to do that. We didn't want to let them know that we were really milking out the remote work. So we kind of left it at that. We're in the conference room downstairs in the hotel lobby, and we asked the cop what happened to this guy, where the shot came from. And cop said that when he went into the room, the entire seat was cleaned up, so the debris wasn't on the floor from his side. And the hole was almost as if it was plastered up. And the bureau for where the TV is, he just moved it over. So essentially nothing on his side. He had said, oh, it was a champagne bottle that exploded and went through the wall. The cop basically said, well, if you look on this side of the hotel room, it's completely different story. So it was labeled as an accidental discharge because I guess the rules down in Florida a little bit more liberal. So he essentially was free. No repercussions. Nothing for him.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God. No problem. Discharging a firearm in your hotel room, Y killing your neighbor. Who was the dude? Was he a kid on spring break or was he another work remote adult?

[Bailey]

No, he was definitely an adult. Definitely older.

[Dax Shepard]

How old?

[Bailey]

We were 24 at the time. So he, to me, looked around 29, maybe 31.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. He's not like my age. He's not old timer?

[Bailey]

No, no.

[Dax Shepard]

Because I was starting to think of some old timers. He's gonna bring his gun in case he gets attacked, and then he's moving his underpants and the guns in the drawer. But no, this is a 31 year old. I mean, he must have been handling the gun.

[Bailey]

He was taking the gun, I guess, out of a suitcase and it just popped.

[Mike]

Jesus.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, Jesus Christ. What a bozo. Oh, wow, Matt, What a bizarre story. One of a kind. We didn't have any other hotel stories like this.

[Monica Padman]

No, we did not. You literally dodged a bullet.

[Dax Shepard]

Nice. You rarely get to say that. And it's literal.

[Monica Padman]

That was fun.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, Matt, lovely meeting you. Thanks for telling us that story.

[Bailey]

Thank you so much, guys.

[Dax Shepard]

Take care.

[Mike]

Bye.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God. Scary.

[Dax Shepard]

Where did you think that story was going? Because I of course thought there was going to be a spring breaker who did something wild, maybe crashed into the room or something in the elevator.

[Monica Padman]

Okay. I thought he fell in the shower.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, because he started talking about the shower.

[Monica Padman]

Well, he heard a big noise and I thought it was. He fell and then he had to go in there. In his naked body and he had to deal with body.

[Dax Shepard]

That's fair. Did not see that one coming.

[Brittany]

Geez.

[Monica Padman]

Scary. Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

I wonder if they celebrated with a round of butt.

[Monica Padman]

Hopefully.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow. That was good. Hotels were good.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Fun.

[Monica Padman]

I want to go to a hotel.

[Dax Shepard]

Me too.

[Monica Padman]

Okay, I'm going.

[Matt]

Bye.

[Dax Shepard]

Bye. Love you.

[Monica Padman]

Love you.

[Bailey]

Do you want to sing a tune or something?

[Dax Shepard]

We know a theme song.

[Matt]

Oh, okay.

[Dax Shepard]

Great. We don't have a feeling song for this new show. So here I go. Go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of arm cherries, we'll get some suggestions on the fly Rhyme Dish. On the fly rhyme dish. Enjoy. Follow Armchair Expert on the Onery app, Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short [e-mail] survey hey.

[Liza]

Armchairries, quick question for you. Have you ever stopped to wonder who came up with that bottle of Sriracha sitting in your fridge? Or why almost every house in America has a game of Monopoly stashed away somewhere? Well, this is Nick and this is Jack and we just launched a brand new podcast called the Best Idea Yet. It's all about the surprising origin stories of the products you're obsessed with and the people who brought them to life. Like Super Mario, the best selling video game character ever. He's only a thing because Nintendo couldn't get the rights to Popeye. Or Jack. How about McDonald's Happy Meal? Believe it or not, the Happy Meal was dreamed up by a mom in Guatemala. Every week on the Best Idea yet, you'll discover the surprising stories behind the most viral products of all time time while picking up real business insights along the way. We guarantee you'll be that person at your next dinner party, dropping knowledge bombs at the table. Follow the Best Idea yet on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to the Best Idea yet early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus.