Armchair Expert - Armchair Anonymous: Moving

Episode Date: October 10, 2025
Hosts: Dax Shepard, Monica Padman (with appearances from Steph and Carly with a K)
Theme: Wild and unpredictable moving stories—journeys that prove moving is always an adventure (and almost never goes as planned).

Episode Overview

This episode of "Armchair Anonymous" features listeners calling in to share their craziest moving stories—ranging from comically disastrous rental van mishaps, to traumatic injuries, shady landlords, and cross-continental chaos. Dax and Monica provide their signature mix of empathy, banter, and sharp-eyed commentary as callers recount moments of panic, resilience, and questionable decisions. The stories underscore the universal truth: moving is messy, unpredictable, and, in hindsight, almost always hilarious.

Key Stories and Discussion Points

1. Hannah's Parking Garage U-Haul Disaster

[03:00–14:43]

Story Highlights

• Setting: 2016, recent college graduates moving from upstate New York to Crystal City, Virginia (outside DC).
• Situation: Hannah, her friend Katie, and Katie’s dad Gary are driving a caravan down.
• The Incident:
  • Directed by the apartment building to use the “service elevator by the parking garage,” Katie accidentally leads them straight into the garage.
  • The U-Haul, driven by Gary, scrapes the ceiling and ends up with a huge gash—“a foot long hole”—in the roof. (07:12)
  • The van is now stuck, unable to exit due to low-hanging pipes and garage automation.
• Panic:
  • Gary, usually unflappable, swears and paces.
  • Front desk is unhelpful, crew tries for an hour to escape the automated arm—eventually a building worker just manually lifts it.
  • Dax quips, “You should have let the air out of the tires.” (11:26)
• Aftermath:
  • Insurance doesn’t cover parking garage damage; U-Haul employee “lets” Gary declare it was a tree branch, saving them thousands.
  • The move is exhausting and demoralizing; Halloween revelers stroll by as they carry furniture.
  • Later, moves continue to go wrong—storms cause delays and unexpected expenses.
• Memorable Quotes:
  • “I have never been more depressed in my life just watching that and wishing that's where I was instead.” – Hannah [12:20]
  • “So what you're telling me is a tree branch fell on the car and created this hole? … Yep, that's exactly what happened.” – Hannah, recounting Gary’s interaction at U-Haul [13:18]

2. Michael’s Mover’s Catastrophic Hand Injury

[15:18–28:59]

Story Highlights

• Setting: 2012, Michael and wife move from Santa Barbara to Los Angeles; Michael has moved 14 times in 15 years.
• Situation: For the first time, they hire professional movers. The move-in finishes smoothly, until Michael hears a scream.
• The Incident:
  • A mover, Jose, has caught his hand in the truck's hydraulic lift gate—three fingers “just dangling from threads of skin.” (18:13)
  • Michael drives Jose to a major hospital, but language barriers and bureaucracy mean Jose waits in agony for over an hour, with no pain meds.
  • Michael is so upset advocating for care that he gets kicked out by security, but eventually returns to Jose’s side.
  • Finally, Jose’s brother arrives, Michael gives them cash, and follows up two weeks later—Jose is alive, recovering.
• Unexpected Reunion:
  • Two years later, Michael hires the same moving company for another move—and Jose himself shows up, hand functional, scars only.
• Memorable Quotes:
  • “He lifts the towel up and his first three fingers are just dangling from threads of skin.” – Michael [18:33]
  • “She said, 'A doctor will be in when one's available.' And so then I start to get upset, start to lose my patience... The security guard says to me, 'Sir, you need to calm down.' And I said, 'What are you going to do? Take me out of here just because I'm trying to get help for someone in pain?' Sure enough, that's what they did.” – Michael [24:20]
  • “Gives me a big hug. Shows me his hand. Lots of scars, but fully functional.” – Michael [26:17]

3. Carly with a K’s Lawful Landlord Fiasco

[29:09–39:01]

Story Highlights

• Setting: Over a decade ago, central Canada. Carly and her fiancé jump at an offer from their college’s new law instructor, “Kim,” to rent his home cheap after his divorce.
• Situation:
  • The couple and Carly’s best friend move all their belongings in, only for a furious woman to show up that night: “Who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing in my house?” [32:30]
  • She’s also named Kim—it’s the ex-wife, co-owner during an acrimonious divorce. Neighbors spill that the instructor is a serial liar.
  • Police are called; “Lawyer Kim” phones Carly and tells her to lie to cops that she's just renting a room, and to stay for 24 hours to gain “squatters rights.”
• Resolution:
  • Carly’s parents save the day, helping her evacuate using their quad trailer in the middle of the night.
  • The college won’t replace "Kim" as her law instructor; she endures his class for four months, learning little—except that he’s willing to bend any legal or moral boundary.
  • Years later, she discovers his law office is across from her esthetician’s; his reviews are a litany of scams.
• Memorable Quotes:
  • “You need to get the fuck out.” – Ex-wife Kim, to Carly [32:44]
  • “If you want theft, corruption, perjury, document falsification, law violations, abuse, extortion, you've come to the right lawyer.” – Carly, reading Kim’s review [37:27]
  • Dax: “That was his game plan from the very first speech. … My fear was he had rigged the house up with cameras.” [35:14, 35:25]

4. Steph’s Cross-Border, Cross-Cat Catastrophe

[42:43–59:34]

Story Highlights

• Setting: 2021, Steph (from Toronto) and her husband relocate to San Francisco, via an international corporate move.
• Situation:
  • The visa process is a nail-biter (apply at airport, day of flight; if denied, "you've given up your whole life" [44:34]).
  • Two cats accompany them: one elderly, one “feral,” both yowling through customs.
  • Airport security requires the cats be removed from carriers—Steph plans contingencies (mesh laundry baskets, AirTags), survives stress and cat scratches.
• Move Chaos in San Francisco:
  • Their corporate move provides hotel housing, but it's “pet friendly” (read: stinky, grungy). Elderly cat pees on their bed at 3AM among broken bags of cat litter.
  • Movers arrive three hours late, are disorganized (“it’s like they’ve never moved anyone ever before” [53:00]), leave greasy fingerprints on all their furniture, break their wardrobe, and leave urine on the bathroom floor.
  • They light paperwork on fire on the kitchen stove; Steph is forced to ask them to leave after an emotional breakdown.
  • Despite everything, the corporate support reimburses damages and helps finish the move.
• Reflections:
  • Steph and her husband eventually settle in, with Steph joining a podcast club (shout-out to her friends).
  • She notes that the ordeal “made me appreciate Toronto in a lot of ways I was taking for granted.”
• Memorable Quotes:
  • “I put an air tag on him so that if he runs away in the airport, maybe we can find him. Who knows what's going to happen?” – Steph, on the feral cat [46:09]
  • “It's like they've never moved anyone ever before. … No game plan at all. … My bed frame is covered in these black fingerprints.” – Steph [53:00, 54:13]
  • “The cat is in the middle of just peeing in between my husband and I.” – Steph [50:45]
  • “I would love to hire you. You're so meticulous and so forward thinking and so prepared.” – Dax to Steph [58:03]

Noteworthy Banter & Insights

• Squatter's Rights and Weird Laws: Dax and Monica (and guests) are astonished to learn that Canadian squatters' rights can begin after just 24 hours of occupancy.
  • Dax: “That’s terrifying. ... What if you had a friend, spent the night and they're just like, I live here now. I've been here 24 hours?” [37:49]
• Healthcare Frustrations: Michael's account becomes a critique of US healthcare bureaucracy, as Monica and Dax decry the delay in even providing pain relief.
  • Monica: “That should have happened. … If you had called an ambulance, first thing they would have done is give him morphine.” [47:44–47:50]
• The Universal Moving Curse: Several callers note that after one bad move, every move that follows gets similarly or differently cursed—as if the universe wants you to “just stay put.” [14:37]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Hannah’s Stuck U-Haul Story: [03:00–14:43]
• Michael’s Mover Injury & Hospital Ordeal: [15:18–28:59]
• Carly with a K’s Shady Landlord Saga: [29:09–39:01]
• Steph’s International, Feral Cat, Moving Disaster: [42:43–59:34]

Tone and Style

True to "Armchair Expert," the episode balances empathy and genuine human connection with self-deprecating humor, candor, and close attention to the most absurd details. Dax peppers in off-the-cuff advice (“let the air out of the tires”), outrageous speculation, and gentle roasting, while Monica’s warmth and incredulity provide a perfect counterbalance.

Memorable Moments & Quotes

• On the universal pain of moving:
  • “Makes you never want to move.” – Dax [00:25]
• On the absurdity of bureaucracy:
  • “I think they just looked at you and they were like, they're white. Let's just go through this.” – Dax (on airport customs) [48:02]
• On resilience:
  • “You have high standards. You're not like those movers.” – Dax to Steph [58:14]

Conclusion

This episode is a cautionary (and cathartic) journey through the nightmares and near-disasters that moving can inflict. Listeners will both shudder and laugh at the sheer unpredictability and universality of these tales. The episode is rich with both practical lessons and comedic gold, proving, as always, that there’s no such thing as a simple move—and that no matter how bad it gets, you’ll have one hell of a story.