Armchair Anonymous: Moving

Summary

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Armchair Expert - Armchair Anonymous: Moving

Episode Date: October 10, 2025
Hosts: Dax Shepard, Monica Padman (with appearances from Steph and Carly with a K)
Theme: Wild and unpredictable moving stories—journeys that prove moving is always an adventure (and almost never goes as planned).

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Episode Overview

This episode of "Armchair Anonymous" features listeners calling in to share their craziest moving stories—ranging from comically disastrous rental van mishaps, to traumatic injuries, shady landlords, and cross-continental chaos. Dax and Monica provide their signature mix of empathy, banter, and sharp-eyed commentary as callers recount moments of panic, resilience, and questionable decisions. The stories underscore the universal truth: moving is messy, unpredictable, and, in hindsight, almost always hilarious.

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Key Stories and Discussion Points

1. Hannah's Parking Garage U-Haul Disaster

[03:00–14:43]

Story Highlights

• Setting: 2016, recent college graduates moving from upstate New York to Crystal City, Virginia (outside DC).
• Situation: Hannah, her friend Katie, and Katie’s dad Gary are driving a caravan down.
• The Incident:
  • Directed by the apartment building to use the “service elevator by the parking garage,” Katie accidentally leads them straight into the garage.
  • The U-Haul, driven by Gary, scrapes the ceiling and ends up with a huge gash—“a foot long hole”—in the roof. (07:12)
  • The van is now stuck, unable to exit due to low-hanging pipes and garage automation.
• Panic:
  • Gary, usually unflappable, swears and paces.
  • Front desk is unhelpful, crew tries for an hour to escape the automated arm—eventually a building worker just manually lifts it.
  • Dax quips, “You should have let the air out of the tires.” (11:26)
• Aftermath:
  • Insurance doesn’t cover parking garage damage; U-Haul employee “lets” Gary declare it was a tree branch, saving them thousands.
  • The move is exhausting and demoralizing; Halloween revelers stroll by as they carry furniture.
  • Later, moves continue to go wrong—storms cause delays and unexpected expenses.
• Memorable Quotes:
  • “I have never been more depressed in my life just watching that and wishing that's where I was instead.” – Hannah [12:20]
  • “So what you're telling me is a tree branch fell on the car and created this hole? … Yep, that's exactly what happened.” – Hannah, recounting Gary’s interaction at U-Haul [13:18]

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2. Michael’s Mover’s Catastrophic Hand Injury

[15:18–28:59]

Story Highlights

• Setting: 2012, Michael and wife move from Santa Barbara to Los Angeles; Michael has moved 14 times in 15 years.
• Situation: For the first time, they hire professional movers. The move-in finishes smoothly, until Michael hears a scream.
• The Incident:
  • A mover, Jose, has caught his hand in the truck's hydraulic lift gate—three fingers “just dangling from threads of skin.” (18:13)
  • Michael drives Jose to a major hospital, but language barriers and bureaucracy mean Jose waits in agony for over an hour, with no pain meds.
  • Michael is so upset advocating for care that he gets kicked out by security, but eventually returns to Jose’s side.
  • Finally, Jose’s brother arrives, Michael gives them cash, and follows up two weeks later—Jose is alive, recovering.
• Unexpected Reunion:
  • Two years later, Michael hires the same moving company for another move—and Jose himself shows up, hand functional, scars only.
• Memorable Quotes:
  • “He lifts the towel up and his first three fingers are just dangling from threads of skin.” – Michael [18:33]
  • “She said, 'A doctor will be in when one's available.' And so then I start to get upset, start to lose my patience... The security guard says to me, 'Sir, you need to calm down.' And I said, 'What are you going to do? Take me out of here just because I'm trying to get help for someone in pain?' Sure enough, that's what they did.” – Michael [24:20]
  • “Gives me a big hug. Shows me his hand. Lots of scars, but fully functional.” – Michael [26:17]

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3. Carly with a K’s Lawful Landlord Fiasco

[29:09–39:01]

Story Highlights

• Setting: Over a decade ago, central Canada. Carly and her fiancé jump at an offer from their college’s new law instructor, “Kim,” to rent his home cheap after his divorce.
• Situation:
  • The couple and Carly’s best friend move all their belongings in, only for a furious woman to show up that night: “Who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing in my house?” [32:30]
  • She’s also named Kim—it’s the ex-wife, co-owner during an acrimonious divorce. Neighbors spill that the instructor is a serial liar.
  • Police are called; “Lawyer Kim” phones Carly and tells her to lie to cops that she's just renting a room, and to stay for 24 hours to gain “squatters rights.”
• Resolution:
  • Carly’s parents save the day, helping her evacuate using their quad trailer in the middle of the night.
  • The college won’t replace "Kim" as her law instructor; she endures his class for four months, learning little—except that he’s willing to bend any legal or moral boundary.
  • Years later, she discovers his law office is across from her esthetician’s; his reviews are a litany of scams.
• Memorable Quotes:
  • “You need to get the fuck out.” – Ex-wife Kim, to Carly [32:44]
  • “If you want theft, corruption, perjury, document falsification, law violations, abuse, extortion, you've come to the right lawyer.” – Carly, reading Kim’s review [37:27]
  • Dax: “That was his game plan from the very first speech. … My fear was he had rigged the house up with cameras.” [35:14, 35:25]

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4. Steph’s Cross-Border, Cross-Cat Catastrophe

[42:43–59:34]

Story Highlights

• Setting: 2021, Steph (from Toronto) and her husband relocate to San Francisco, via an international corporate move.
• Situation:
  • The visa process is a nail-biter (apply at airport, day of flight; if denied, "you've given up your whole life" [44:34]).
  • Two cats accompany them: one elderly, one “feral,” both yowling through customs.
  • Airport security requires the cats be removed from carriers—Steph plans contingencies (mesh laundry baskets, AirTags), survives stress and cat scratches.
• Move Chaos in San Francisco:
  • Their corporate move provides hotel housing, but it's “pet friendly” (read: stinky, grungy). Elderly cat pees on their bed at 3AM among broken bags of cat litter.
  • Movers arrive three hours late, are disorganized (“it’s like they’ve never moved anyone ever before” [53:00]), leave greasy fingerprints on all their furniture, break their wardrobe, and leave urine on the bathroom floor.
  • They light paperwork on fire on the kitchen stove; Steph is forced to ask them to leave after an emotional breakdown.
  • Despite everything, the corporate support reimburses damages and helps finish the move.
• Reflections:
  • Steph and her husband eventually settle in, with Steph joining a podcast club (shout-out to her friends).
  • She notes that the ordeal “made me appreciate Toronto in a lot of ways I was taking for granted.”
• Memorable Quotes:
  • “I put an air tag on him so that if he runs away in the airport, maybe we can find him. Who knows what's going to happen?” – Steph, on the feral cat [46:09]
  • “It's like they've never moved anyone ever before. … No game plan at all. … My bed frame is covered in these black fingerprints.” – Steph [53:00, 54:13]
  • “The cat is in the middle of just peeing in between my husband and I.” – Steph [50:45]
  • “I would love to hire you. You're so meticulous and so forward thinking and so prepared.” – Dax to Steph [58:03]

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Noteworthy Banter & Insights

• Squatter's Rights and Weird Laws: Dax and Monica (and guests) are astonished to learn that Canadian squatters' rights can begin after just 24 hours of occupancy.
  • Dax: “That’s terrifying. ... What if you had a friend, spent the night and they're just like, I live here now. I've been here 24 hours?” [37:49]
• Healthcare Frustrations: Michael's account becomes a critique of US healthcare bureaucracy, as Monica and Dax decry the delay in even providing pain relief.
  • Monica: “That should have happened. … If you had called an ambulance, first thing they would have done is give him morphine.” [47:44–47:50]
• The Universal Moving Curse: Several callers note that after one bad move, every move that follows gets similarly or differently cursed—as if the universe wants you to “just stay put.” [14:37]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Hannah’s Stuck U-Haul Story: [03:00–14:43]
• Michael’s Mover Injury & Hospital Ordeal: [15:18–28:59]
• Carly with a K’s Shady Landlord Saga: [29:09–39:01]
• Steph’s International, Feral Cat, Moving Disaster: [42:43–59:34]

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Tone and Style

True to "Armchair Expert," the episode balances empathy and genuine human connection with self-deprecating humor, candor, and close attention to the most absurd details. Dax peppers in off-the-cuff advice (“let the air out of the tires”), outrageous speculation, and gentle roasting, while Monica’s warmth and incredulity provide a perfect counterbalance.

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Memorable Moments & Quotes

• On the universal pain of moving:
  • “Makes you never want to move.” – Dax [00:25]
• On the absurdity of bureaucracy:
  • “I think they just looked at you and they were like, they're white. Let's just go through this.” – Dax (on airport customs) [48:02]
• On resilience:
  • “You have high standards. You're not like those movers.” – Dax to Steph [58:14]

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Conclusion

This episode is a cautionary (and cathartic) journey through the nightmares and near-disasters that moving can inflict. Listeners will both shudder and laugh at the sheer unpredictability and universality of these tales. The episode is rich with both practical lessons and comedic gold, proving, as always, that there’s no such thing as a simple move—and that no matter how bad it gets, you’ll have one hell of a story.

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Transcript

[Dax Shepard]

Wondry plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free right now. Join Wondri in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome welcome welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepard and Mrs. Mouse is out of town. This episode is crazy. Moving stories and look, they're crazy as promised. Makes you never want to move. Please enjoy moving. We are supported by Function Health. You know what's fascinating? Your body is constantly sending signals about your health, but most of us only see a tiny fraction of that data. That's why I chose Function. It's the only health platform that gives you access to over a hundred biomarkers, from hormones to heart health markers, all tracked in one secure place.

[Monica Padman]

I love this because I agree that normal regs, blood work and stuff, it doesn't get it all. And sometimes you find hidden things in these hormone checks.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes, I love seeing my health data mapped out over time. Helps me understand exactly what's happening in my body. It's no wonder top health leaders like Dr. Mark Hyman and Andrew Huberman are behind Function Health. This platform truly empowers you to own your own health journey. Learn more and join Using our Link, the first 1,000 people get $100 credit toward their membership. Visit www.functionhealth.com DAX or use code DAX100AT. Sign up to own your health. This episode is brought to you by Square Banking. You know what? I love watching local businesses grow and thrive. Like in our neighborhood. Even Cara. I've rooted for Mustard seed. I've rooted for. I just love watching people start their small businesses and succeed. That's why so many businesses trust Square Banking. It's a complete platform that puts you in control of your money and helps you fuel your next big move. With a free Square Check account, you get instant access to your sales. Need capital to expand? Square loans are based on your business's performance and 88% of businesses with Square loans report growth. Go to square.com godax to learn more about how your business can grow with square that's s q u a r e.com g o/dax block inc. Is not a bank. Banking Services provided by Square Financial Services, Inc. Member FDIC Square Checking provided by Sutton Bank Member FDIC FDIC loans are subject to credit approval. You gotta know I'mma keep on shining. Hi, is this Hannah?

[Hannah]

Yes, it is.

[Steph]

Hi.

[Dax Shepard]

How are you?

[Hannah]

I'm good.

[Dax Shepard]

How are you? Good. Where are you? I mean, what's this cute little miniature door to your Left.

[Hannah]

Well, I'm currently in upstate New York in a small town called Hamilton. I'm visiting my parents right now.

[Dax Shepard]

Do they have a Shetland pony that lives in there?

[Hannah]

It's a small door that leads to an attic. But it does look a little creepy, honestly.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, I'm waiting for a goblin to come out. So you're visiting mom and dad? You grew up there?

[Hannah]

Yeah, and now I live in New York. York City.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, so you have a moving story. Does it involve moving to New York City?

[Hannah]

No, actually this story involves moving to Washington DC. It takes place in the fall of 2016. I had just graduated college the previous.

[Dax Shepard]

Spring with a degree. In what?

[Hannah]

In international relations.

[Dax Shepard]

Ooh, okay, then the DC makes a lot of sense.

[Hannah]

I'm gonna be honest. I did not get a job in any international relations related field. I was living at home back with my parents applying to jobs. And my childhood friend Katie was also back in our hometown and she had just started working for a film marketing company and they had another opening. She encouraged me to apply, I got the job, and then by the fall we both had full time jobs there. So we decided to relocate to D.C. which is where this company was based out of. So of course, being recent college graduates, we had no money and also like very few belongings that we needed to move anyways. Yeah, so we decided, you know, we'll just move ourselves. We're gonna rent a U Haul van. Katie's dad volunteered to help us move down. So the three of us caravanned down to D.C. katie was driving in front in her car, and then her dad Gary was driving the U Haul van. And then I was falling behind in my pickup truck. So we make our way down to D.C. the apartment building we were moving into was actually just outside of D.C. in Crystal City, Virginia. It was like one of those big apartment buildings where there's a front desk and a gym, a parking garage. Sounds very upscale for recent college graduates. Honestly, it was. It was shocking that we were able to move into this building. So we get down there and ahead of time, the building had sent us move in instructions and they had said, use the service elevator. It's around back. It's right by the entrance to the parking garage. So Katie's in the lead. We're driving around back, and she didn't see the garage. Again, we're not talking to each other. We're all separately in our cars. Katie thought that the elevator must be in the garage. So she pulls in and we just followed, which we immediately realized we shouldn't have done. That it was a big mistake because I could immediately see the top of the U Haul just scraping against the ceiling of the parking garage.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. So the dad didn't have the right clearance.

[Hannah]

We did not have clearance.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Hannah]

But at this point it was like we were in too deep. He's basically kind of stuck scraping through the entrance.

[Dax Shepard]

He goes all the way, all the way in.

[Hannah]

Luckily my truck cleared it just barely. So I was fine. But immediately I knew we kind of screwed up on that.

[Dax Shepard]

And I'm gonna add, if you unload, the U Haul, van's gonna get lighter and it's gonna get even taller.

[Hannah]

Great point. We didn't think about that either. I would say there was very little thinking. It was one of those situations where you like, knew you had messed up going into it, but then it was too late to back out.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, you've passed the point of no return.

[Hannah]

We pull off to the side and I jump out. Katie and her dad are already out of their cars. They're freaking out. And Katie's dad, Gary was like, normally a very relaxed, laid back dad. He was the fun dad growing up. Had never seen him lose it. He's like pacing back and forth, swearing on the top of his lungs.

[Dax Shepard]

Like, just freaking out is his main concern. Like, oh, fuck, I got to pay for this thing now. Like, it's going to cost a fortune because I've ruined this van. I'm going to own a U Haul van now.

[Steph]

Yes.

[Hannah]

This is his exact. We open the door and kind of climb up so that we can see the damage. And on the roof, it's a foot long hole.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, it's a gash. It tore it right open.

[Hannah]

A piece of metal, either from a pipe or the roof of the garage had fully grabbed the metal of the top of the van and gouged a hole. So Katie and her dad are immediately rifling through the truck trying to find the insurance policy. I'm kind of looking around being like, I don't know how we're going to get out of here. Because the exit was on the opposite side of the parking garage. And it was an automated entrance and exit with like one of those arms that goes up and down. No one's working down there. We're looking around and we notice that running through this parking garage are very low hanging red pipes. Even lower somehow than the entrance to the garage. So we're back in our cars trying to, to get to the exit. But any route that we take, we run across these red pipes that the van could not have Cleared. So once we realize there's no shot we're getting out the exit, we circle back to the entrance, and we're like, this is the only way for us to get out. So we call up at this point to the front desk and we explain we have driven our moving van into the garage and we are completely stuck. They are not very helpful. They're like, well, why did you do that? And we're like, yeah, we know, because.

[Dax Shepard]

We wanted to have some fun.

[Hannah]

Yeah, exactly. We're like, we fully understand that we messed up. I was like, but at this point, there's no way for us to get out the exit. And they're like, no, no, you can't get out the entrance. It's impossible. And I'm like, no, really, if you came down here and you saw the situation, we cannot go out the exit. So I go and I pull a ticket from the other side. But these automated machines, the arm does not get activated just by pulling a ticket. It must be a weight. So thing of, like a car sitting on it that activates it, because me just walking through it would not activate. It's probably 30 minutes at this point have passed. This whole time, other people have been driving into the garage. So someone comes in and Katie runs up to them and is like, we're trapped. Can you please help us? Like, can you take a ticket and then back up really fast and we're going to follow you out. So this really nice person did agree. They were like, okay, we get ourselves all situated. We're facing them. They pull the ticket, and they try to back up fast, but it just wasn't fast enough. As soon as the arm sensed them going the opposite direction, it just went back down.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

[Hannah]

A lot of time at this point had passed.

[Dax Shepard]

Is dad getting more mad or is he calming down?

[Hannah]

I would say Katie's dad was the most panicked I've ever seen him. I was possibly the clearest thinking person.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, congrats.

[Hannah]

And usually I get really panicked. But he was so, so panicked that I was like, I have to not be panicking. Katie at this point runs up to the front desk and she's like, we need someone to come down and disable this automation so we can get out. She brings someone down. He kind of stared at the situation and he was like, well, yeah, you shouldn't have driven in here. This garage can only accommodate vehicles under six feet, whatever. And we're like, yeah, we know, we understand. This is completely our fault. We are not disputing that. But what are we to do now? This van will be trapped forever if we don't come out the entrance. So I looked at him and I said, sir, please. You see the situation. Isn't there any way we can just disable this arm? Like, there has to be something to do here. And he just stared at me for a second. And then without saying anything, he just walked over and just pushed up the arm manually.

[Dax Shepard]

It just went up on its own?

[Steph]

Yep.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh.

[Hannah]

So at that point I just wanted.

[Dax Shepard]

To cry because I was like, well.

[Hannah]

I could have done that. I just didn't know I could also. Why couldn't the front desk have just said to do that? This has been an hour of trapped in the garage for no reason. So we all pull out, finally escape the garage, re scraping the crap out of the top of the van, of course as we go.

[Dax Shepard]

You're not gonna like this, but I have to say it. I can't really resist. You should have let the air out of the tires.

[Hannah]

That's very smart.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, I only think of that cause I air down in the sand dunes. So I'm pretty familiar with watching the car get smaller. But at any rate. Yeah, now I'm the guy at the.

[Hannah]

Front desk didn't think that.

[Carly with a K]

No.

[Hannah]

We finally get out, we get to the service seller. At this point, we've examined the insurance policy. Of course it says it covers damage to the top except from parking garages. So we clearly were not the first people to damage a U Haul from a parking garage. At this point, the vibes are bad because we're thinking we'll have to buy this U Haul van. And then we still, the three of us are lugging all our stuff up to the apartment. It takes hours because it's just the three of us. And like one person's gotta watch the stuff while the other people are doing it. It was Halloween weekend. There's just gaggles of people dressed up and drunk walking down the street having a great time. I've never been like more depressed in my life just watching that and wishing that's where I was. Instead.

[Dax Shepard]

Any horned pig face goblins didn't see it. Okay, so Monica's not gonna be too intrigued.

[Monica Padman]

I'm here now.

[Hannah]

Hi, Monica.

[Steph]

Hi.

[Monica Padman]

Sorry I came in late. There's a lot of construction on the street.

[Dax Shepard]

Horned pig face goblins, though. The lead singer of gwar, that's now her style.

[Hannah]

Sadly, there were none of those. But we finally get everything in the apartment. He gets up early the next morning, drives all the way back to New York. The entire time it poured rain.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And now the van's a convertible.

[Steph]

Yep.

[Hannah]

So not only was there a huge back, also the back was soaked. So he brings it to U Haul, and he goes inside and he's like, listen, here's what happened. The U Haul employee just looks at him and is like, so what you're telling me is that a tree branch fell on the car and created this hole? Oh, that was nice.

[Dax Shepard]

What a savior.

[Hannah]

It was like five seconds of silence. And then Gary was like, yep, that's exactly what happened. You're right. It was a tree branch that fell on the roof of the car or.

[Dax Shepard]

A pipe, whatever it look.

[Hannah]

So all in all, we didn't have to pay for it. It was like, such a relief thanks to the really kind person at U Haul who helped us out.

[Dax Shepard]

You gotta be really grateful that they probably hated working there. They were like, yeah, I don't mind if I stick it to them. How long do you guys stay there? And then how did you get your shit back to New York?

[Hannah]

We stayed there for two years. And then we actually. Our company got acquired, so we both moved to New York City. That's where the new company was based. And that time we were like, no freaking way are we ever moving ourselves ever again. So we paid professionals. And then, of course, we've just been cursed, both Katie and I, in subsequent moves. Because that next move, there was a huge windstorm that caused four hour delays because no trucks could go over the bridges to Manhattan. And we ended up paying, like, tons of extra money.

[Dax Shepard]

The universe is telling you, just stay put, I think.

[Hannah]

Yeah, exactly.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, Hann, it's so nice to meet you.

[Hannah]

It's really nice to meet you. My friend Katie is actually here from the stories?

[Steph]

From the story.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. I would love to meet dad as well. I wish he were there, but yes. Let's get Katie in here.

[Monica Padman]

Hi.

[Dax Shepard]

Hi, Katie. Do you guys still work together?

[Hannah]

No, sadly, not anymore. But we both still live in New York City.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, fun.

[Hannah]

We're just up here for a wedding, actually, so it works out really well.

[Dax Shepard]

Do you guys eat an Emily Burger?

[Steph]

Of course.

[Hannah]

Oh, right.

[Dax Shepard]

Good for you. You know what you're doing. All right. Well, lovely meeting you.

[Hannah]

It is so nice meeting both of you.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, take care. Hello, Michael.

[Michael]

Hi, guys. How are you?

[Dax Shepard]

We're wonderful. Where are you, Michael?

[Michael]

I am in Corsica. I'm actually in a hotel room. Hopefully you guys can hear me.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, we can. Corsica is an island off of Spain or Italy. What is it close?

[Michael]

France, just above Sardinia.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. And have you gone before? Is this the first time?

[Michael]

I haven't. So I turned 50 yesterday. Congrats, celebrating. Thank you.

[Dax Shepard]

And did a big group join you or is it just you and your partner?

[Michael]

Just me and my partner. Nice quiet holiday away. I love it here. So it's been really nice.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. You recommend it?

[Michael]

I do. 100% crystal clear Mediterranean waters, great food, great wine.

[Dax Shepard]

Lovely. So you have a moving story.

[Michael]

I do, yeah. So it was 2012. This was my 14th time in 15 years moving. @ this point, we were moving from Santa Barbara to la. It was finally time for me to actually spend the money to hire movers.

[Dax Shepard]

I can't find out that you've moved 14 times in 15 years without having an explanation.

[Michael]

A lot of things just different job opportunities came up, or moving within the same job, going to grad school, moving for my wife's job. There's just a lot of things happening and just going with the flow. I was very sad to leave Santa Barbara, I'll say that. But the moving day went great. They got there early in the morning, they packed everything for us, they put it in the truck. And I was sitting there saying, I can't believe I haven't done this before. It's so easy. Get in the truck, off to la, and we're moving to West Hollywood. And we get to our apartment, everything's going smoothly, and by about 5pm, everything's done. They're completely unloaded. I'm upstairs unpacking already. I happen to be unpacking linens. I remember this very clearly. The screen door was open. I heard a scream and I was like, oh, that doesn't sound good. I run out to the balcony to check it out and I lean over and I can't really see much, but I can see one of the guys is laying on the ground.

[Dax Shepard]

One of the movers.

[Michael]

One of the movers, yeah. And so his two co workers are standing over him and I look a little closer, he's clearly writhing in pain. I can't tell what happened, but there's blood on the ground. So I say, okay, not good. So I grab a towel since I'm unpacking the linens, run downstairs to see if I can help. I get outside and the foreman comes over to me and just takes the towel and walks back to his mover. And so I'm at a distance, can't tell yet what has happened, but there's a lot of blood on the ground and he's clearly been cut pretty badly. So I say, okay. Well, there's a hospital right around the corner from where we live. It's a very big, well known hospital. I won't say what it was called.

[Monica Padman]

Okay, yeah, we could probably guess.

[Michael]

He hops in the car with me and we're on the way to the hospital.

[Dax Shepard]

The injured man hops in the car with you?

[Michael]

Yes. So his name's Jose. He hops in the car and can.

[Dax Shepard]

You tell where his injury is at?

[Michael]

Yeah, it's in his hand. Yeah. Now I can clearly tell that his hand is wrapped.

[Monica Padman]

Can talk and stuff.

[Michael]

He can talk, but he doesn't really have any English and I don't have any Spanish. But he's clearly in pain, just rocking back and forth, making a lot of noise. We get to a red light and he manages to say, do you think they can put back? And I said, put what back?

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, no. I had a fear of this.

[Michael]

I look over and he lifts the towel up and I just see a bunch of red. I see some white stuff. I don't know what's what. And then he lifts his hand up and his first three fingers are just dangling from threads of skin.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God. We are supported by Allstate. Checking Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance is smart. Unfortunately, not checking things first. Well, that's how you end up with some pretty embarrassing stories, like not checking if your phone is actually connected to your earbuds before belting out Total Eclipse of the Heart on an airplane. Yeah, that was a fun flight. Or not checking if your gym shorts have a hole in them before doing squats in front of the wall mirror. The whole gym got a show that day. And don't even get me started about checking if your camping stove has fuel before heading into the wilderness. Nothing says roughing it quite like three days of granola bars and room temperature water. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check all state first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Savings vary subject to terms, condition and availability. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. We are supported by Quince. With Quince, you can get luxury basics at prices that make sense. Get all the good stuff. High quality fabrics, classic fits and lightweight layers for warm weather without dropping a fortune. I just was staring at a box of quints that arrived yesterday. Kristin's been firing off orders. We all love everything that arrives.

[Monica Padman]

I ordered some sheets. Some really, really amazing sheets. They're also so cute. They're striped. They have this like cream stripe. It is. I love quints and I feel like it's a hack, honestly. It's like the quality is so good and it's so reasonable. If you need to get anyone a present or anything, I think Quince is the place.

[Dax Shepard]

Look no further. Quince has closet staples you'll want to reach for over and over. Like cozy cashmere and cotton sweaters from just $50, breathable flow knit polos and comfortable lightweight pants that somehow work for both weekend hangs and dressed up dinners. And everything you're going to order from Quince is half the cost of similar brands. By working directly with top artisans and cutting out the middlemen, Quint's gives you luxury pieces without the markup. Keep it classic and cool with long lasting staples from quince. Go to quince.comdax for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q-U-I-N C E.comdax to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.comdax this show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know who gives the best life advice? Baristas. They are pulling shots of espresso while solving people's marriages, career and whatever weird things going on in their shoulder that day. And don't even get me started about airport bartenders. They're like therapists who serve whiskey, right? But here's the thing. As wise as these bathroom philosophers and barstool counselors might be, they're not actually trained professionals. You gotta get a trained professional on the case.

[Monica Padman]

Even though we are a show called Armchair Expert, we understand, in fact, because we are a show, we understand that a professional is a professional. We talk about all kinds of things on here with each other. But it's different when you're talking to a therapist. Just they know more.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. It's so helpful to have someone outside of your little ring of emotions that can kind of objectively watch what's going on. That's why Better help has over 30,000 licensed professional therapists who are actually qualified to help with things like relationships, anxiety and depression. They've been matching people with the right therapist for over 10 years and they've got a 4.9 rating from 1.7 million client session reviews to prove it. Find the one with Better help. Armchairs get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.comdax that's better. H E L P.comdax.

[Michael]

And so they're just hanging, kind of flopping around like.

[Dax Shepard]

It'S a puppet now yes.

[Michael]

And I can't even look anymore. I turn, I'm looking the other way out the driver's side window, and I just mumble something like, it's a very good hospital. You'll be fine. We get there, run into the er. They take a look at his hand right away. I accompany him to the room. And we're sitting there, and sitting there, I'm like, well, this seems kind of weird. It feels pretty urgent to me. Sure enough, someone finally comes in. But because this is America, it's not a doctor. It's someone to see if he has insurance.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, boy.

[Michael]

I can't speak. I'm trying to translate. I tell her what happened, but it's not really helping much, so she says, okay, and she leaves. And then we're waiting, and we must have waited a good half an hour. The whole time, he's rocking back and forth, he's moaning. So he's in so much pain. And I start to feel, like, very helpless. So I go outside and talk to a nurse, and I say, hey, what's going on? Could we get some help? Feels like a pretty serious injury. At least something for the pain. And she was totally unfazed. She said, yep, a doctor will be in when one's free. So I go back in. Another half hour passes. At this point, I really don't know what to do. So I go back outside and I ask again, very nicely, checking in, can we get someone to come see this man? And she said, I told you before, a doctor will be in when one's available. And so then I start to get upset, start to lose my patience a bit, raise my voice a bit. I said, that's unacceptable. I need to talk to someone. This man's lost three fingers. At least something for the pain. And I see her kind of wave to someone. And so I look up and a security guard comes over.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God.

[Michael]

The security guard says to me, sir, you need to calm down. And I said, what are you going to do? Take me out of here just because I'm trying to get help for someone in pain? Sure enough, that's what they did.

[Dax Shepard]

They did.

[Monica Padman]

No.

[Michael]

They escort me out of the emergency room.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God.

[Michael]

I'm waiting outside, and now it's been another 10 minutes. And I feel really bad because he's in there by himself. So I go back up, I plead my case to the front desk, and I say, hey, I'm so sorry. Can you let me back in? I just want to be with him. I understand if it takes time and they said, okay. So the security guard comes over. She talks to him. He's like, if you don't make a scene, you can come back in. Five minutes later, a doctor walks in. First thing he does after looking at his hand says, yes, okay. A nurse comes in, gives him some morphine, and immediately his face just.

[Dax Shepard]

Just.

[Michael]

I can see the relief pour over him.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God.

[Michael]

So now he's in an okay place, and maybe five minutes later, his brother shows up. Now I don't really know what to do, what kind of value I'm adding, so I decide, okay, this is my time to leave. But I still feel horrible. I'm berating myself. This is my fault. This is what you get when you don't just move yourself.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, no. Sure, sure, sure. Some self flagellation.

[Michael]

There's an ATM outside by the gift store. So I just take as much money as I can out of that and walk back inside to his brother and I leave. I just felt so awful for this guy because he's not going to be able to work right. He doesn't have a hand, probably doesn't have insurance. So I called the moving company maybe two weeks later to see how he's doing, and he's okay. He's recovering at home, but that's all they know. The happy ending to this story, I will say, though, is that two years later, we're moving again. Of course.

[Dax Shepard]

Of course.

[Michael]

Moving to New York City this time. And I called the same moving company because aside from that, I had a great experience. Who shows up? No, but Jose.

[Dax Shepard]

No way.

[Monica Padman]

That's so sweet.

[Michael]

Gives me a big hug. Shows me his hand. Lots of scars, but fully functional.

[Monica Padman]

Wow. Wow. This is kind of a meet cube in a way.

[Dax Shepard]

Did he get his hand in the lift gate of the truck?

[Michael]

Yes. I should have said what happened, but you're exactly right.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Yeah. That's the most obvious. Well, the lift gate is hydraulic, and they roll the stuff out and then lower it. Well, once they're done with that, they got to flip it back up up. And in the flipping it back up process, you could snip your fingers off.

[Michael]

I guess he wasn't paying attention when his colleague was doing that. And that's exactly what happened.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

So it was his fault. Monica.

[Monica Padman]

No, I'm teasing. Oh, it's so fuck.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, I'm so happy he kept his hands. I mean, I wonder how long your fingers can be dangling off your body without blood before.

[Monica Padman]

I feel like it's not a long time. That's why it's shocking they didn't get in there fast.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, clearly we know an hour and a half. Minimally you can get away with that.

[Michael]

Kudos to the hospital for doing an amazing job on that part of it.

[Dax Shepard]

Once you get this service, top notch service, if you can get it, it's great. Wow.

[Monica Padman]

I'm disappointed in that hospital. I like that hospital. That's a bummer.

[Michael]

That was a bummer. I don't know if that's more about the hospital or just the state of American health care.

[Dax Shepard]

We could give the most generous benefit of the doubt analysis, which is perhaps he was the only doctor and he was busy doing something else. Quite critical. Critical.

[Monica Padman]

But a nurse could come in and give them more.

[Dax Shepard]

That should have happened.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. That's what's stupid is if you had called an ambulance, first thing they would have done is give him morphine.

[Monica Padman]

Exactly.

[Dax Shepard]

And then he would at least been doped up for the whole ride.

[Michael]

Yeah, in hindsight, that would have been better. It just felt like it was so close.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. And it's expensive.

[Dax Shepard]

You should have scored some dope around the corner. There's a couple places you could have picked up some painkillers, especially back then.

[Monica Padman]

Was a little sketchy, but you did a great thing.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. You're a nice person. You are. The fact that you took it all on yourself and did make the foreman handle it, rush them there in a moving truck.

[Michael]

I'm just glad it had a happy ending.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, Michael, it's lovely meeting you. I'm so glad you took time on this fun 50th birthday party trip to talk to us.

[Michael]

It's great to talk to you guys. I was psyched to get that email. Can I bring in my partner? She's at day one.

[Dax Shepard]

Would love to meet her.

[Michael]

Her name's Elizabeth. I'm just gonna give her my head.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Great.

[Monica Padman]

Hi, Elizabeth.

[Dax Shepard]

Hi, Elizabeth.

[Carly with a K]

Oh, my gosh.

[Hannah]

What a great addition to our vacation right now.

[Steph]

Oh, good.

[Dax Shepard]

I didn't know if it's a big inconvenience or if it's.

[Hannah]

If I could just give a quick.

[Steph]

Shout out to my daughters Ella and Hannah, because we listen to you guys all the time. We listen to Anonymous constantly in the car. They're 11 and 13.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, I love it.

[Hannah]

Crack up along with us.

[Steph]

They're like the best age, so I.

[Hannah]

Just want to make sure we actually say their name.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, wonderful. Shout out to them. All right, well, have fun, you guys. Thanks for taking the time.

[Steph]

Thank you.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, bye. Bye.

[Michael]

Thanks, guys.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God. We're going to talk to Carly with a K. I don't know if I've ever spoken to a Carly with a kid. Hello, Karlie with a K. Hi. Have you met any other Karlies with a k?

[Carly with a K]

I don't think so, but there's many ways to spell it.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. And have you ever inquired to your parents why they chose that?

[Carly with a K]

I did and I think they just preferred the K. Okay.

[Dax Shepard]

Do they own a Krispy Kreme? Are you in the south?

[Carly with a K]

We're actually in Canada. Oh, there's even any in my province.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Yeah, you're kind of the opposite of the south if you're up in Canada.

[Carly with a K]

Does my accent say south?

[Dax Shepard]

Not yet. You haven't said a boot, but it'll come out. I don't think we've ever gotten through a Canadian in conversation without a boot coming out at some point.

[Carly with a K]

Fair enough.

[Dax Shepard]

And where are you?

[Carly with a K]

I'm in central Canada and I'm in Saskatchewan, but that's as far as I'm gonna tell you.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, great. I like that.

[Monica Padman]

I like a mystery then.

[Dax Shepard]

I Do you want me to cut out Karlie with a K? Is that too revealing?

[Carly with a K]

No, my name is fine. I'm gonna change a couple details.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, great. I like that. That's very promising. So tell us you have a moving story.

[Carly with a K]

I do. Okay. This was a little over a decade ago and I was in college. My now husband and I were engaged, both college students. L a small one bedroom condo just near campus. At the time I was in a two year tech college, so it was quite small. Classes were I'd say maybe 30 people in the class. The reason this is relevant is because one day the instructor of my class, the department head of my program and a man walk into the classroom and this guy, we're going to call him Kim, he introduces himself as, as a practicing lawyer and that he would be our law instructor for the next semester. He kind of like goes on to tell us that before becoming a lawyer he actually took this same program and that his heart was really in this program and that he loved everything about it and proceeds to tell us that he's going through a divorce and he has this big beautiful home with multiple bedrooms and that he wanted to rent out the home for a little while before selling it. He wanted to kind of give back to this program by offering it to the students of the program really inexpensively. That way we could all kind of live together. I know that sounds kind of off, but it did feel safe in the sense that the department head was there. Our instructors were there. Everybody knew each other very intimately. It didn't feel strange.

[Dax Shepard]

And there's strength in numbers. You'll be with classmates in theory.

[Carly with a K]

Yeah. And my soon to be husband as well.

[Steph]

He.

[Carly with a K]

He's like, this is a great opportunity for you. Kind of let me help you, you help me kind of thing. So about a month later, I got out of my lease for the condo and my husband and I pack up everything we own and we move into this house. And at the time it was just myself, my fiance, and then my childhood best friend actually moved in with us.

[Dax Shepard]

And was Kim still there?

[Carly with a K]

Kim is not there. It's a completely empty, beautiful home. No red flags. We spend all day moving in. There's no hiccups or anything. I would say we started around noon, and then evening ish, probably about seven or eight. We send most of our help home. We send the trucks home that are there. My husband goes to kind of clean up things at the old place. So I am then sitting in the home by myself kind of amongst all these boxes, and there is a big knock at the door and I go, and I open it and there is this tall woman standing there who is red faced, angry, very, very shook. And she goes, who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing in my house?

[Monica Padman]

Oh, wow.

[Dax Shepard]

Was the house totally empty?

[Carly with a K]

Totally empty. Not a single thing in it. And I was like, hi, I'm Carly, I'm renting from Kim. She goes, I'm Kim and this is my house and you need to get the fuck out.

[Dax Shepard]

Wait, what?

[Monica Padman]

What identity?

[Dax Shepard]

This is going in a different direction and I love it.

[Carly with a K]

Turns out that was the ex wife. They had the exact same name.

[Steph]

Oh.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay.

[Carly with a K]

I had no idea. So she is who she says she is, and he says who he says he is.

[Monica Padman]

Okay, that's good.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, that's better.

[Carly with a K]

Yeah, just a little bit of confusion there. And I'm like, holy crap, what am I supposed to do? So I've called my parents, I've called my husband, I've called lawyer Kim. I have my husband come back. I have my mom come back. This woman is standing outside and she is shaking. She's so angry. All of the neighbors have come out and are kind of like surrounding her.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, boy.

[Carly with a K]

They're basically corroborating her story that this is her house. It's a really messy divorce. They mentioned to us that he actually lied to her about how old he was before they got married and said he was about 10 years younger than he actually was, that this Was probably the third divorce and just kind of like, get the hell out right now kind of thing. The cops were called, so I'm on the phone with Kim, and Kim says that he is on the way to the lake. He doesn't have enough keys for us, so he has to go get spare keys. This is a few hours away. He's not gonna be able to be there, but to not worry. Cause he knows the law. The cops don't know anything. And I want you to tell the cops that everything's gonna be fine. And actually, you can just tell them that I'll be living in the basement with my teenage son and you guys are actually just gonna be my roommates.

[Hannah]

What?

[Monica Padman]

How does that make it better?

[Carly with a K]

Also, I don't know if it's. Cause then he's the owner in the home. And then he goes, well, okay. What time did you move in? And I was like, I think around noon. He goes, great, I want you to stay until noon tomorrow, and then I'll come and we'll figure it all out. I'm like, well, the cops are here. And he's like, I don't care. It turns out he wanted us to stay for about 24 hours to get some sort of, like, squatters, right?

[Steph]

Yeah, yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Carly with a K]

I don't know the legalities of that, but he wanted us to stay put. And we were like, well, we need to get the hell out of here. I don't want to be in between whatever you guys have going on, but we have nowhere to go.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God.

[Carly with a K]

So this is now about 10 o' clock at night. It's about November, so it's dark outside. No snow yet, but cold. I call my parents, and they're the heroes of this story. They unloaded their quads out of their quad trailer, cleaned it all out, and we moved our entire house into this quad trailer and literally packed up and left a few hours later.

[Monica Padman]

Wow.

[Carly with a K]

We ultimately went and moved in with them for a little while until we could save up for our first home. So they saved the day.

[Dax Shepard]

Whoa. So that was his game plan from the very first speech. Honestly, this is preferred to what I thought was going on. My fear was he had rigged the house up with cameras.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, yes. Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

I thought this was gonna be a perverse situation.

[Carly with a K]

I have a little more to tell you.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wonderful.

[Carly with a K]

It's not going quite that direction, but the next couple of days, I go to my school, my department head, and explain everything that's gone on. How inappropriate they are. Very Understanding and say, like, he won't be rehired. And I think, great, it's handled. I get a message back a few days later, and they say, you know what? It's November. He's supposed to be your instructor in January. We can't replace him in time. So he's gonna be your law instructor for the. The next four months, and then we will fire him after that.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Carly with a K]

So I had to take his law class for the next four months, and I didn't learn a single thing about law from him. But he did constantly tell us that even if we didn't like him, if we ever were in trouble, that he would be the first person we would call. And truly, if I ever needed a really scummy lawyer that would do anything to get you out of something, I think he'd probably be my first call.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

What kind of grade did he give you?

[Carly with a K]

Mid-80s. But I don't think I turned in work. I existed. He existed. There was no conversation.

[Monica Padman]

He wouldn't have given you an A just for having dealt with that?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, I was nervous he was gonna be punitive. You ratted him out. He's getting fired. I'm gonna flunk you. And the guy's already shown he doesn't have a tremendous amount of morals.

[Carly with a K]

No. And I actually called my mom to find out what her end of the story was, and she said that a few years after this, she got a phone call from a girlfriend who had used him as a divorce lawyer, and she didn't have much for cash and was worried about the price of things. And he was like, you know, you can just come with me to this party.

[Monica Padman]

There it is.

[Carly with a K]

Yeah. So I think pretty low branch.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, boy. I'm comforted a little bit that you have those folks up in Canada too. I mean, I guess I think that kind of thing's a dime a dozen down here, but I am somewhat relieved that it's universal.

[Carly with a K]

You know, I decided to Google him before this just to kind of see his reviews. There's one that says we bought a house from this person. We lived in it for a few months in the middle of winter, he called us and said that we had to move out because the house had too many liens on it.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, boy.

[Carly with a K]

I'm pretty sure that's, like, your whole job. Another one says, if you want theft, corruption, perjury, document falsification, law violations, abuse, extortion, you've come to the right lawyer.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm surprised he hasn't been disbarred so.

[Monica Padman]

Squatters rides only take 24 hours. That is crazy.

[Dax Shepard]

That's terrifying. That's like, what if you had a friend, spent the night and they're just like, no, I live here now. I've been here 24 hours.

[Monica Padman]

I know.

[Carly with a K]

Yeah. I don't know what he was going for, how that all works. I didn't learn anything in law, so.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Wow.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, man.

[Dax Shepard]

Thank God that your parents had the toy trailer.

[Carly with a K]

It worked out super well. And the sim was definitely simming with all of this because I actually hadn't even thought about this man in like, well over a decade. I exchanged services with an esthetician every few weeks and she had moved into a new facility and I went to go visit her and her and I listened to armchair through these appointments. That's like our thing. We always book him on Fridays to try to listen.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, fun.

[Carly with a K]

I walked into her new building and his law office was across the hall.

[Dax Shepard]

What? Oh, my God.

[Hannah]

That is. What?

[Monica Padman]

No.

[Carly with a K]

My heart sank. I haven't seen him yet and I pray I don't. So I actually heard the prompt in her office across the hall and wrote my story in outside of his office.

[Dax Shepard]

No, you're right. That's impossible.

[Monica Padman]

That's impossible. On speaker. Like, when you listen to this one, he might hear it.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, let's hope. You guys should put speakers in the hallway.

[Carly with a K]

I kind of hope so. But now when I walk by, I like to like, snub him a little bit.

[Dax Shepard]

Sure, sure.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my goodness.

[Carly with a K]

Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, Carly, what a bizarre story. I loved it.

[Carly with a K]

Thank you.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, that was great.

[Monica Padman]

Thanks for sharing.

[Carly with a K]

Lots of twists and turns. Thank you so much.

[Dax Shepard]

All right. Bye, Carly.

[Carly with a K]

Have a good day, guys. By.

[Dax Shepard]

We are supported by kachava.

[Monica Padman]

I just had kachava this morning.

[Dax Shepard]

How was your Kachava?

[Monica Padman]

Chocolate? I. I like the chocolate.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Chocolate can't be beat.

[Monica Padman]

It's so good. It has so much protein, which, you know, I'm trying to get more of for my bone density and your muscle gains and my gains. It's such a great way to get all these nutrients and protein.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, life moves fast and finding real nutrition that keeps up can challenge. That's where cachava comes in. The whole body meal shake that actually delivers on taste and nutrition. Whether you're craving chocolate, vanilla chai matcha or coconut acai, each shake packs 25 grams of plant based protein and over 85 superfoods into every serving. They've got all the good stuff your mind and body crave for whole body health. One of the best parts. It can pretty much go in anything. Blend it with frozen fruit for a morning smoothie or mix it into your iced coffee. Yes, that's meat.

[Monica Padman]

It's delicious, it's really nice and it is quick and easy.

[Dax Shepard]

Fuel your daily adventure with Kachava. Go to kachava.com and use code DAX for 15% off your next order. That's Kachava K A C H A V A dot com code DAX for 15% off this episode is brought to you by Audible Love can take many forms. Sometimes it's a chance encounter at a gas station that turns into a ten year relationship. Other times it's texting someone you up and accidentally falling in love. Audible's collection of romance audiobooks has it all. Think relatable situationships, historical scandals, forbidden magic, and yes, plenty of stories that are headphones only. Wink wink. Hear modern rom coms from authors like Leanne Slade and Emily Henry, the latest romantasy series from Sarah J. Maas and Lauren Roberts, Regency favorites like Pride and Prejudice, plus all the steamy stuff. Whether it's a duke, a billionaire, or a winged lord from the Night Court, your first great love story is free when you sign up for a 30 day trial at audible.comdax we are supported by Skims.

[Monica Padman]

Okay, we're gonna talk about underwear for a minute because skims has completely changed my relationship with intimates. You know how you kind of don't realize something's been bothering you until all of a sudden the solution is there. That's me with underwear. I grab whatever multi pack was on sale and I don't know it would lose its shape after a couple weeks. But then I tried skims and suddenly I realized underwear could actually make you feel good all day long. I have many of the skims underwear styles and they're all great. I love the thongs because they are still comfortable.

[Dax Shepard]

They'll give you a ride you didn't ask for.

[Monica Padman]

But skims. The quality is just wonderful. The colors are great. Even when you're picking out like a fun underwear in the morning and you a nice bright color just makes your mood better. The ones I really like are in the Fits Everybody collection cuz the fabric is just different and so soft.

[Dax Shepard]

Shop Monica's favorite bras and [e-mail] after you place your order. Be sure to let them know we sent you select podcast in the survey and be sure to select our show in the dropdown menu that follows.

[Michael]

Here's Steph.

[Dax Shepard]

Steph Curry maybe?

[Steph]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh let's see. Yes. Steph Curry. Hi, Steph.

[Michael]

Hi.

[Dax Shepard]

How are you?

[Steph]

I am well. So, so nervous.

[Dax Shepard]

You have the cutest haircut. I love it.

[Steph]

Thank you very much.

[Dax Shepard]

You're welcome.

[Steph]

Where are you physically? I'm in Silicon Valley right now. I live in San Francisco, close by. And that, I guess, opens up my story for you about the move from Toronto to San Francisco. I was born and raised in Toronto, had only ever lived in Toronto. It was a dream of mine and my husband's to move abroad, have an adventure. And we were lucky enough to get an opportunity, with my work, to be internationally relocated to California. We'd never been to California before, so kind of an interesting thing to just move somewhere you've never visited. Better weather, no Toronto winters. Sounded good. It was 2021, so it's still kind of pandemicy. And so part of this, like, international relocation package that I got with work was that they would take care of everything, which is really. So we had a team that came to our apartment in Toronto and they packed up everything we owned really carefully and meticulously and loaded the truck for us. And we had some lawyers help us put together all the paperwork that's required because that's very complex also.

[Dax Shepard]

That's a fucking hell of a drive. That's got to be like 3,000 miles.

[Steph]

You would know better than me. Probably. Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, Detroit's like 2,400, 2600, and then Toronto. Yeah. So that's a lot.

[Steph]

So the company was going to drive it to our new place in San Francisco. We just had to fly. Fly over. We've given notice at our apartment, we sold our cars. Everything we own is on this truck. We're, like, ready to move. And the first hurdle we have to overcome is the airport experience. So interesting to note. The way that you apply for a work visa to go from Canada to the U.S. is you have to apply for the visa at the airport on the day that you're leaving.

[Dax Shepard]

That sounds very dicey.

[Steph]

Yes. Because if you get denied, you've given up your whole life. And I asked multiple times to be like, can I not go to an embassy before and do this application in advance to know that I'm approved to move? They said, no, you have to do it at the airport the day that you're flying to San Francisco to move.

[Dax Shepard]

What?

[Steph]

It's wild. I don't understand why it works that way. It's a very emotional experience. It's very stressful. Just making sure all of this is good. You know, they've backfilled my previous Job. I've got this new job to look forward to. We've put down, you know, three months of security deposit on our new apartment in San Francisco that we've never seen before. And three months of security deposit in San Francisco is probably a year's worth of rent in Toronto.

[Monica Padman]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Crazy.

[Steph]

So there's so much on the line. We get to the airport about six hours early so that we have enough time to do this whole visa application process. But before you can get to the U.S. customs agents that are there that approve or deny you, you go through security. And so we've got two cats that we have to move with us. This is another thing I'm really stressed about. One of the cats is elderly, and she's docile and fine. And then the younger cat is part feral. He's an outdoor cat. We didn't choose to adopt him. He just showed up one. And we were slowly integrating him into our family. But he's missing a chunk of his ear. He's, like, really rambunctious. He scratches a lot. So I'm trying to figure out how to get this cat through security.

[Dax Shepard]

You have way too much on your plate. I just got to say he can't.

[Steph]

Go through with the carrier. You have to have the cat separate, and then the carrier goes through the X ray machine.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, this is a bad idea. This is a very bad idea. There's a lot of bad ideas at the airport.

[Steph]

Yes. So I'm pre planning how to make this happen. So I've brought this, like, mesh laundry basket to, like, put the cat into so the carrier can go through. And then we, like, have to, like, switch the cat back and forth. I put an air tag on him so that if he runs away in the airport, like, maybe we can find him. Who knows what's going to happen?

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God. My nightmare. To have a feral cat running loose in the airport.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, it's like a Disney movie.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, that's true. An adventure.

[Steph]

I didn't know this was going to happen. But they have this private room by security for these situations, so that was great. I didn't need to use the laundry basket. I think we ditched it somewhere along the way at the airport. So we go into the private room, let the cat out into the room. He's running around, around going crazy. They take the carrier out to scan the carrier. They bring it back, it's fine. We're good to go. I have to get him back in the carrier, which is really difficult. Scratches the hell out of my Arms.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my.

[Steph]

At least he's not lost at this point. So we've made it through security with the cats. I'm, like, very relieved. I've been super worried about this leading up to this day. And then we get to the customs area, and so we go up to the agent and we give them the paperwork. It's like three inches of paper in this folder that we got from the lawyers that they have to look through. And then they're going to determine whether we're approved or not. So we wait in the waiting area for an hour and a half with these two cats that are, like, yowling. And you're not allowed to use your cell phones here. You just have to sit really patiently and quietly. And we're watching the agents flip through the pages very slowly, but they're not even looking at them. They're just chatting with each other about how their weekend was. They had some snacks at the area. I guess they flipped to the last one. Don't know how much they've read, but they call us up and they say, okay, you're approved. Go on in. Okay, we're past security. We're approved. Our visas are good. I'm, like, ecstatic. I think we go get a celebratory drink.

[Dax Shepard]

I think they just looked at you and they were like, they're white. So let's just go through this.

[Monica Padman]

I mean, probably let's pretend like we're looking at.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, but they're white.

[Steph]

Privilege is definitely working in our favor in this scenario. So we get to San Francisco. It's like 11pm at this point. Get to the car rental place, pick up our car. I am so grateful that neither cat has had an accident by this point because we're 11 hours into them being in carriers. Oh, yeah, no one's peed. No one's done anything because I was, like, braced for having to clean up cat pee on a plane.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, do you give them, like, weed gummies or anything to get them to chill on the flight?

[Steph]

Yes, and we did give some to the feral cat, but it wears off pretty quickly. And then they get more scared because now they're no longer on drugs, but they're on the plane.

[Dax Shepard]

So they're coming off a drug.

[Monica Padman]

They're paranoid. Did it ever, like, jump up and down in the crate and cause a havoc?

[Steph]

Yes, the whole time. So my husband's behind with the fair line. He's going nuts for, like, the whole.

[Dax Shepard]

Flight, losing his mind sitting next to.

[Steph]

Oh, my God, I've got the elderly cat and she's chill. She like pokes her little head out once in a while. She's looking around. We can't sit next to each other because they don't allow animals to be next to each other on a flight. We're picking up this rental car. It's taking forever to get the car. We're gonna stay in a hotel while our goods are being driven across the continent. And then when they arrive, we can move into the apartment we've secured. So we're at the hotel. It's taking forever to check into the hotel. And the first thing I need to do is create a litter box for the cats because they have been holding it for so long. So I had packed in my checked luggage a whole bunch of litter and a box. So I open it up to, like, set this up. And they had gone through my luggage, I guess checking things. And maybe the litter was a flag. They're like, what the heck is in this person's bag? And so they had broken the bag of litter that I had. And it was all.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, now you can just use your suitcase as a. As the box. The litter box.

[Carly with a K]

True.

[Steph]

But it's also everything that I have to live off of for the next four weeks. Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, you guys really took it on.

[Monica Padman]

I hope you like California animal parents are really.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, they're good folks.

[Steph]

We do a of lot for these, these cats. So we set up the litter box. I deal with my luggage at some point later and all of my belongings covered in this litter. And then we're kind of clocking that this hotel is not great. It's a pet friendly hotel, so it has a stink to it. It's kind of grungy. And we're like, oh my God, are we gonna be able to live here for the next like four weeks?

[Monica Padman]

Oh, that long? Oh, my God.

[Steph]

We're trying to make the most of it, but this place is not good. One night we're sleeping and it's like three in the morning, and I hear a noise and I feel something. I wake up and the elderly cat is in the middle of just peeing in between my husband and I.

[Dax Shepard]

Because you have so much litter on your pajamas from the.

[Steph]

I didn't even consider that.

[Dax Shepard]

It's all in the sheets.

[Steph]

We call down to the front desk, we let them know what's happened, and they say, okay, bring the laundry down. We'll give you some new sheets, but you have to clean this up and deal with it. My husband takes the sheets down. They take him into the back staff area. He has to put them into the commercial washing machine because they refuse to touch it. It's fine. Little weird. And then we get the new sheets, and then it's up to us to, like, clean and make our bed. So I'm already like, what has previously happened on this mattress that other people did or did not clean? We flip it and put the new sheets on. So at this point, I'm like, we can't stay here. The cats are unhappy. It's too small of a space for them. So I call my boss and I let her know what's going on, and she's like, okay, I get it. We'll help you out. So they order rental furniture for us, and they put it into the apartment that we've secured.

[Dax Shepard]

Great.

[Steph]

Yeah, perfect. So we're so happy. We do that for a few weeks, and then it's the day that our stuff is supposed to come. The rental furniture company comes in the morning to take all of the furniture out right before the delivery company comes with all of our own belongings. The company that's going to move us in is supposed to unpack the truck, unpack every single box, put everything away for us, rebuild our furniture that they disassembled in Toronto. The whole nine yards is done in this one day. And they're supposed to come at like 9am I'm so excited. Like, I can't just wait to be situated and be in my home home and, like, have my own bed sheets and all the things that I've missed. I've been through the most stressful time of my life. Like, international move. I'm starting a new job. I'm like, meeting all these new people. It's still the pandemic.

[Dax Shepard]

Kind of getting pissed on at night.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, this is a lot.

[Steph]

They're supposed to come at 9. They don't show up at 9. It's 10, it's 11. They come just before lunchtime. And I'm like, already? You're not gonna get this work done. Like, you have so much to do in a single day. You're three hours, hours late. And then these two guys get out of the truck, and I'm like, oh, my gosh, there's only two people. Like, how do you think this is going to work? We also have in San Francisco, a lot of hills and stairs up to apartments. So we have these, like, massive flight of stairs to get to our front door. Just doing that alone, bringing this stuff up these stairs is going to kill these guys. I just have to trust the process, though. They've been hired to do this job. They understand the scope. They got to do it. So there's like this younger guy and this older guy. And the older guy kind of seems like he's in charge, but it's not super clear. And my husband and I clock that his face, fingers are super dirty. Like, it looks like he's been working on his truck in some capacity. Black and greasy. So they start to unload, and I'm like, do you guys have enough help to, like, get this done? They're like, oh, someone else is coming to help us. There's a third guy who's coming. He shows up, I guess, mid afternoon. They're going at it, but there's no process here. There's like no one set to do certain jobs. No game plan at all. It's like they've never moved anyone ever before. Like, they're randomly doing a couple of boxes, half unpacking something. Nothing's going into the proper room. No furniture rebuilding is being done. So, like, where are you going to put all the items that you're unpacking without the furniture in place? So my husband says to the older guy, like, hey, maybe could you start building the bed? We need a place to sleep tonight. And he's like, okay. Yep. Has a really hard time with it. A whole bunch of aesthetic damage is done. There's like a big scratch across the headboard. Like the screws are stripped. Somehow he puts it together. I don't know how stable it's going to be. And then he tries to do the wardrobe. Totally destroys the wardrobe. Unusable.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Steph]

Absolute garbage. And then also, I'm noticing that these black, sticky fingerprints are on every single item that we own. My bed frame is covered in these black fingerprints. And I noticed the other two guys, the younger guys, also have these, like, black fingerprints on everything. I guess there's like, some newspaper that's been used to pack things, but no one's washing their hands. They're just, like, touching everything. And I think I cleaned off all my items for the following weeks. Like, I would find them on stuff. It's really stressing me out. And then I go to the washroom, and I notice there's urine all across the toilet seat. And I'm like, well, that's pretty gross, but okay.

[Dax Shepard]

Could have been your cat. She's got a bad track record.

[Steph]

But I look over, and not only is it on the toilet seat, there's a full puddle on the floor next to the toilet of urine.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, so it was the older Guy that's a very older guy moves. It is.

[Monica Padman]

Maybe that one was the cat. At least on the floor.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, there's piss everywhere, so I clean it up.

[Steph]

I don't want to address it with them in the middle of this workday. That feels awkward. So I'm silently angry that now someone has peed on my floor. We keep going. And then I'm in the kitchen. My husband's in the kitchen. People are in the kitchen. I hear a clicking noise, and I'm like, don't know what that is. And then I turn around, and my husband is running from the stove to the sink with something that's on fire.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh.

[Steph]

I quickly realized that they have laid out the inventory paperwork on top of.

[Dax Shepard]

The gas stove, which has pot pilot lights lit.

[Steph]

And so someone leaned on the hob in front of the stove and lit the paperwork on fire. And so my husband's put it out, but now there's also melted plastic all over our stove because it was in plastic sheeting. I'm like, this is wild. So my husband says to the older guy, like, hey, your friend here just lit the paperwork on fire. And the older guy doesn't care. He's like, oh, yeah, right. And walks away. You can see the smoke in here. Like, what do you mean, yeah, right? So I've had enough. I'm, like, freaking out. I call my boss. I'm like, I can't do this. Like, I don't know what to do. All of these things are going wrong. I can't handle this. And she's like, just tell them to leave, Steph. And I'm like, oh, that's a good idea.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Steph]

And she's like, we'll figure something else out. We'll get another team in there to, like, help you with all the things. Like, just tell them to leave. I try to find a way to say this, but I'm so emotional.

[Dax Shepard]

You're so Canadian.

[Steph]

I want be polite, but I'm so out of 10. I'm so stressed, I want to cry and scream at the same time. I'm like, it's too much. So eventually I'd find the words to be like, okay, you guys need to go. And they don't understand why I'm asking.

[Hannah]

Just look at me.

[Steph]

Like, I'm crazy.

[Monica Padman]

Like, but we're not done yet.

[Steph]

Yeah, please just take everything out of the boxes. I want you to remove all the cardboard boxes, because I don't want to deal with that. And then just go, we got it from here. That's it. So they just start dumping everything out of the boxes onto the floor and take all the cardboard boxes. This takes them a couple more hours to do. So they're like, oh, my God, this.

[Dax Shepard]

Is as bad as it can go.

[Monica Padman]

How much was this service?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah, it's probably a fortune.

[Steph]

So expensive.

[Dax Shepard]

Drive across the continent.

[Michael]

Oh, God.

[Steph]

It's dark when they finally leave and our stuff is just in piles on the floor surrounding us. And my husband didn't have a work permit, so he had a little bit of time in the coming days to like build the furniture. Furniture and put all the items back and everything. But it was a wild and stressful experience.

[Dax Shepard]

Was there any refunding that happened?

[Steph]

This is a good question. Yes, I was able to tell my company what they had damaged. Like, my wardrobe was broken. They bought us a new one and charged it back to the moving company. Is this Google?

[Monica Padman]

This is a good company.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

She's in Silicon Valley.

[Hannah]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

You're in that Airbnb. I like this. You deserve that.

[Steph]

I actually don't work in tech. I work in retail. And it's very unique that I got an offer like this.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, cool. Well, good. I think you deserve it. I was thinking seven different times, I would love to hire you. You're so meticulous and so forward thinking and so prepared.

[Monica Padman]

You have high standards.

[Dax Shepard]

You're not like those movers.

[Steph]

I appreciate that. I think my husband would agree with those sentiments. I'm a meticulous person.

[Dax Shepard]

Now, the way I sometimes get through situations similar to that one is I have to go, well, fuck, I don't want that job. I mean, that's the only way I can kind of get through. When I'm seeing abject incompetence and a lack of giving a F, I kind of go like, yeah, if I was changing oil here too, I might feel the same way.

[Monica Padman]

When you paid.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, but someone got the $15,000 and these guys got 200 bucks.

[Steph]

Yeah, that's true.

[Dax Shepard]

What a delight. Staff, do you like California?

[Steph]

It's been an experience of a lifetime. It's so interesting here. It's beautiful. It's very different than Toronto. It has made me appreciate Toronto in a lot of ways that I was taking for granted while I lived there. But San Francisco is amazing. I have incredible friends there. If I can shout out Peach, Adrian, Katie and my podcast club, they wonderful people.

[Dax Shepard]

You're in a podcast club?

[Steph]

Yes. It's like a book club, but it's based on a podcast and it was a health and wellness podcast, but a Bunch of us are armchairies. And so it has slowly turned into a lot of talk about.

[Dax Shepard]

We are so flattered to have infiltrated a health and wellness podcast club.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, delightful meeting you, Steph. We're thrilled to have you here.

[Steph]

It's been amazing to meet you both.

[Carly with a K]

Thank you so much.

[Dax Shepard]

All right.

[Carly with a K]

Thank you.

[Dax Shepard]

Take care.

[Monica Padman]

That visa thing is kind of.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, I will say in our defense, I've had to do that to go to Canada to work, and it's very similar. They let you land there, but you can't leave the airport. And so the day I went there to work on a movie, it was also the day all the visa students were arriving from around the world. Oh. And it was absolutely nuts. I was there for, like, a day trying to get this work permit, and at one point, it's like, I'm just gonna say, I'm not working. It's so easy. I'm just gonna go in. Yeah, I'm here to sightsee.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, exactly.

[Dax Shepard]

Deal with it. Oh, poor Steph.

[Monica Padman]

I mean, look, I respect it so much, but, man, just let that feral cat just be feral in the world.

[Dax Shepard]

It's fun. We're having comparable thoughts. Mine is like, just buy new when you get there. These, the moving costs. I'm sure that was at least 15 grand. Just go buy some them furniture.

[Monica Padman]

I know, but also, like. But you're special things.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, FedEx those.

[Michael]

All right.

[Steph]

Love you.

[Monica Padman]

I love you.

[Michael]

Do you want to sing a tune or something?

[Carly with a K]

When it was a theme song.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of armchairs, we'll get some suggestions on the fly rhyme dish on the fire rhyme dish. Enjoy. Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondry app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry plus in the Wondry app or on Apple. Couple podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short [e-mail] survey.