Armchair Anonymous: Pets

Summary

Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

Episode: Armchair Anonymous: Pets

Date: January 23, 2026
Theme: Wild, hilarious, and occasionally heart-wrenching anonymous listener stories about pets and the messes, dangers, and love they bring.

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Episode Overview

In this Armchair Anonymous installment, Dax Shepard and Monica Padman invite listeners to share their “Crazy Pet Stories”—unfiltered tales involving accidental injuries, animal mishaps, and the emotional rollercoaster of loving pets. This episode ranges from laugh-out-loud moments to shocking encounters, and even a bit of pet peril, all told with the trademark Armchair warmth, curiosity, and vulnerability. Dax and Monica riff with each storyteller, drawing parallels to their own lives and engaging in their signature, chemistry-laden banter.

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Key Stories and Discussion Points

1. Beans and the Horse from Hell

Storyteller: Bean (San Diego, CA; originally Orange County)
Timestamps: [03:29] – [13:15]

• Childhood Horse Obsession: Bean moves at age 7 to horse country in Yorba Linda, begs for a horse, is initially told no because of “allergies.”
• The Hypoallergenic Solution: Parents discover the Bashkir Curly breed via the Rose Parade and purchase Hannah Banana, shipped cross-country.
• Cheerful Anticipation Turns to Chaos:
  • First bareback ride ends with Bean being bucked, dragged 50 yards by the calf ([07:10]).
  • Friend donkey-kicked in the ribs by Hannah Banana, ending up hospitalized ([08:11]).
• The Family Perseveres: Despite multiple buckings (Christmas Eve resulting in a bruised tailbone, mother and father both thrown and injured), they hire a trainer and try to make it work.
• Tragedy Strikes: Hannah Banana spooks, falls, and breaks her hip, leading to an on-site euthanasia in the backyard after just 1.5 years ([09:37]).
• Reflection and Guilt: Bean shares lingering guilt and how the family, despite pain and injury, didn’t “give up” on Hannah.
• Relatable Grief: Dax opens up about the neglected Newfoundland dog from his childhood, McKeever, expressing sadness and a desire for do-over ([11:07]).
• Notable Quotes:
  • “You expect to be bucked. You don’t expect to be donkey kicked... but it could happen.” – Bean ([10:34])
  • “I feel like I need to get a Newfie at some point in my life and really spoil it, to make up for the McKeever thing.” – Dax ([11:46])

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2. Jill’s Alaskan Dog-napping High-Speed Chase

Storyteller: Jill (Alaska)
Timestamps: [14:02] – [26:12]

• Harley the One-of-a-Kind Dog: Husky mutt, prone to running free, but always returns.
• A Routine Escape Goes Sideways: Strangers find Harley, call Jill, then text: “My girlfriend and I have been looking for a dog ... we’d just be able to keep her. She is precious... if you do not have the time, we would love to take her.” ([17:41])
• Jill Panics, Strangers Disappear: Attempts to call go unanswered, panic sets in.
• Detective Work Leads to a Car Chase: Family sees Harley in a car, gives chase in a real-life dog heist, speeds up to 100mph through Anchorage ([21:55]).
• Police Intervention: Jill calls 911 mid-chase. Police order them to stop; Jill’s husband uses connections to trace the license plate.
• Confrontation: Husband leaves a threatening voicemail: “If you don’t give my wife her dog, I will hunt you down and kill you.” Jill: “Ryan! You can’t say that!” He replies: “I don’t care.” ([23:13])
• Happier Ending: Police retrieve Harley, who’d been listed as “malnourished” by the dog-nappers for being so skinny. Jill reaffirms: “She’s just athletic.”
• Lingering Emotions: Not only did Harley come home safely, but Jill still confronts the would-be thieves whenever she sees them in town ([25:26]).
• Notable Quotes:
  • “My husband calls and says, ‘Here’s the deal, motherfucker. I know where you live...’” – Jill ([23:13])
  • “The cop said, ‘She’s in the back of our squad car in the driveway.’” – Jill ([24:25])

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3. Eric’s Family Reunion Dog Attack

Storyteller: Eric (NW Indiana)
Timestamps: [26:17] – [38:00]

• Family Vacation in Michigan, Summer 2021: Eric brings his 8-month-old dog. Multiple families and their pets converge.
• Disaster Strikes: While going to the bathroom, Eric sits to pet a relative’s mutt—immediately bitten in the face, nose almost detached ([28:31]).
• Chaos and Blood: Eric stumbles outside, attempts to call for help but is “choking on blood” and can’t speak ([29:49]).
• Emergency Room Drama: Gets rushed by his pregnant wife; unqualified ER doc says, “This is my first time doing something like this... it looks like hamburger meat.” ([31:58])
• 40+ Stitches and a Questionable Recovery: Difficulty with anesthesia, wife assists the doctor, but the nose ultimately heals surprisingly well.
• Awkward Aftermath: Tension with the dog’s owner is implied but not aired.
• Family Reflection: Dax and Monica discuss the risks of dogs, personal phobia of bites, and the odd threshold for “forgivable” accidents when you love a pet or hobby ([36:43], [37:49]).
• Notable Quotes:
  • “Where’s my dog?” – Jill ([24:23])
  • “They start driving like they robbed a bank.” – Jill ([20:49])
  • “It looked like hamburger meat.” – ER doctor via Eric ([32:03])
  • “My nose was pretty much not attached to my face for a while.” – Eric ([34:15])

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4. Rose and the Prolapsed Pup

Storyteller: “Rose” (pseudonym, LA, from Minnesota)
Timestamps: [38:02] – [50:20]

• On the Road to California (2020): Rose moves with dog Dawson and mom cross-country. In rural Wyoming, mid-trip, they stop for doggy bathroom break.
• The Clown’s Nose Emergency: Rose discovers “a red bulb the size of a miniature plum” emerging from Dawson’s rear—a vivid photo is produced ([41:58]).
• Vet to the Rescue—with Sugar: The rural vet summons “gloves and the sugar.” With methodical calm, sprinkles handfuls of sugar on the protrusion. It’s a rectal prolapse ([44:37]).
• Why Sugar?: Vet explains it reduces swelling so the tissue can retract on its own. “If it happens again, do the same thing—get gloves, grab sugar.” ([45:55])
• Repeat Performance: The issue recurs later on the trip in Nevada; the sugar remedy works again. Dawson’s new nickname: “Sugar Butt.”
• Heartfelt Family Shoutout: Rose credits her brother for turning her on to the podcast.
• Group Reflection: Dax and Monica riff on the wisdom of old-school vets and the virtues of teachers vs. nurses ([47:49], [48:29]).
• Notable Quotes:
  • “He just slowly puts the sugar onto her asshole.” – Rose ([45:07])
  • “It looked like a clown’s nose coming out of her butt.” – Rose’s mom ([43:11])
  • “You could just get gloves and a spoonful of sugar.” – Rose ([49:10])

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Notable Banter, Dynamic Moments & Quotes

• Names, Nicknames, Parenting: Dax and Monica digress about giving children nicknames and the nostalgia of childhood stages ([03:32]–[04:18]).
• Philosophy of Risk: Dax draws parallels between the dangers of dogs, horses, and motorcycles—“If you love the outcome … it’s just part of it.” ([37:49])
• Dogs and Judgement: Monica voices her fear and dislike of dogs who bite, struggling with the owner’s justifications.
• The Power of Old-School Expertise: Group reverence for wizened rural vets, whose unconventional yet effective treatments have no equivalent in city life ([47:49]).

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Timeline of Major Segments

• 00:00–03:29: Opening banter, nicknames, and moving into pet stories
• 03:29–13:15: Bean’s harrowing tale of horse ownership
• 14:02–26:12: Jill’s Alaskan high-speed dog-napping
• 26:17–38:00: Eric’s family reunion dog bite disaster
• 38:02–50:20: Rose’s prolapsed-pup sugar saga
• 50:22–51:00: Closing banter on teachers vs. nurses, episode wrap-up

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Episode Tone

Conversational, self-deprecating, curious, and candid. Dax and Monica’s humor leavens even the most hair-raising or emotional moments. Stories are told with compassion and a generous spirit, even when recounting pain or loss.

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Summary Takeaways

This “Pets” edition of Armchair Anonymous reminds listeners that pets can bring laughter, mayhem, and occasional heartbreak in equal measure. Through honest storytelling, Dax and Monica celebrate resilient animal lovers, explode a few myths, and bask in the absurd and heartfelt realities of life with animals.

Transcript

[A]

Welcome, welcome. Welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Rather and I'm joined by Tiki Ranger.

[B]

Oh, my.

[A]

She's come to your town to clean up all the filth.

[B]

Oh, my gosh.

[A]

You're a sheriff.

[B]

I am, yeah.

[A]

Original sheriff. Okay, today is Crazy Pet Stories. And these pets get they. Well, they say the darndest things and they do the darndest things and they take their owners along with them.

[B]

Yeah, they do.

[A]

They. They also bite people. So.

[C]

Spoiler.

[A]

Yeah. So I don't know if this deserves a warning or not. Oh, you know, it does. It does. It does. There's some pet death.

[D]

Oh, sure.

[A]

And that's hard for some people.

[D]

That's hard.

[A]

So, yeah. But if that doesn't bother you, please enjoy Crazy Pet Stories. We are supported by quints.

[B]

I love quints.

[A]

Who did we just run into that said they were buying quints because of our show? It was on the red carpet, wasn't it?

[C]

It was.

[A]

Oh. We were getting interviewed. Y. Yes. And I said, well, you're welcome. I don't feel the least bit bad driving anyone to quince because the quality is outstanding.

[B]

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[A]

They're solid. That's the thing with Quince. They've figured out how to deliver premium quality without the luxury markup. We're talking Mongolian cashmere sweaters, Italian leather outerwear, wool coats that are built to last multiple seasons. They cut out the middlemen and work directly with trusted factories that have real standards for craftsmanship and ethical production. So you're getting the same quality you'd expect from high end brands, just at prices that actually make sense. These aren't trendy pieces that fall apart after one season. They're classic styles you'll reach for year after year. Refresh your winter wardrobe with quint. Go to quint.comdax for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q U I n c e.comdax for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.comdax this episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. The new year doesn't require a new you. Maybe just a less burdened you. A lot of us carry around fear, pressure. Doubt therapy can help you identify what's weighing you down by offering an unbiased perspective to better understand your relationship, your motivations, your emotions.

[B]

It's the beginning of the year. It's a good time to address some of the things that have been bogging you down.

[A]

A little housekeeping, perhaps? Yes. Before you enter the new year, BetterHelp's therapists are fully licensed and work according to a strict code of conduct. You'll fill out a short questionnaire, and with 12 plus years of experience, they typically get the matching right the first time. If you're not happy, you can switch therapists anytime, BetterHelp has an average rating of 4.9 out of 5 based on over 1.7 million client reviews. BetterHelp makes it easy to get matched online with a qualified therapist. Sign up and get 10% [e-mail] DAX that's better. H E L P.comDAX Hard times come and go Good times take them slow My life, I had them both Remember one thing you got to know I'mma keep on shining.

[B]

I'mma keep on shining hello, Hello, Hello.

[A]

Now, is Bean an acronym or someone's name?

[C]

Everybody calls me Bean.

[B]

That's cute. I used to call Delta Bean and Beans, remember?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And now I'm like, how do we get there?

[A]

How you get there? And then how do these things drop off? Because, yeah, there's been a bunch. Feeny was Feeny forever.

[B]

For so long, it was Delta to Delta, Feena to Feena to Feeny to Fiends to Beans.

[A]

Oh, there we go.

[C]

This started when I was like a baby, always Jelly Bean. And then my nieces and nephews all call me Auntie Bean. Even clients call me Bean.

[A]

Wonderful.

[B]

And then we call you Bean.

[C]

And now you call me Bean. Exactly.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

Sorry, we're on the topic of my kid and I just get obsessed. Remember also, she rejected her name. Remember when she's like a baby, she didn't like Delta. She'd go, no, Delty.

[C]

That was me. I didn't like my name and I wanted to change it to perdita from the 101 Dalmatians.

[A]

Wow, that's a mouthful. That would have been rough for your kindergarten classmates.

[C]

I was five, and my mom's like, okay, when you're 18, you can do that.

[A]

Yeah. Where are you in the country?

[C]

I'm in San Diego. I spent a lot of time in la, though. I lived there for a while, So I lived near Abbot Kinney before it was what it is now, when it was very seedy, back when I was.

[A]

Smoking crack in Ghost town down there.

[E]

Yeah. Yes.

[C]

Maybe we saw you, like, amongst the streets, you know?

[A]

Certainly did. And did you grow up in San Diego?

[C]

No, I grew up in Orange county, where this story took place.

[A]

Okay, okay, okay. Walk us through it.

[C]

When I was seven, we moved to Yorba Linda and it was horse country. Yorba Linda. So we moved to a house with a barn and a corral. We were like a half a mile from an equestrian center. So as a seven year old, naturally I'm like, hey guys, we need a horse now.

[A]

So Beans is not that your parents had any equestrian aspirations.

[C]

No, this is just a beautiful house. But so it backed up to a lake bed. And that lake bed is where everybody rode their horses, did a lot of dirt bike, BMX stuff. And when I was seven, I asked for a horse. They were like, no, that's not happening. And then fast forward. I made a lot of friends with horses. I had the experience. I was taking care of horses. I was riding them. I was riding them bareback. I was doing it all fast forward to, I think I was 10 or 11. Nobody can really know because I think that everybody blacked out this information. By the way, my mom also said, we can't get a horse because I'm allergic. But one day they sat me down. They're like, your mom was watching the Rose Parade and she saw there's a hypoallergenic breed of a horse called a Bashkir Curly. And we bought one.

[A]

Oh my gosh.

[C]

And so, as you can imagine as an 11 year old and like elated.

[A]

Having a hard time moving on from. She told you you have an allergy. Did you not notice you had allergies when you were around these horses?

[C]

I was always fine. I think it was an excuse, like, we're not getting in a horse because I'm allergic.

[A]

That's what I'm going for.

[B]

Munchausens.

[A]

Oh, wow. Jumping already? Munchausens.

[B]

I just want to throw that out there.

[C]

Hannah Banana, she was a Bashkir Curly out of New York, and she's having to take a very long journey across the country. And so my parents are like, she'll be here in a few weeks. So she gets there. She's very young. Young horses are basically puppies. We didn't have a saddle or a bridle or the reins just yet. But Hannah Banana is there. This is not a name I gave her, by the way. This is the name she came with. I'm like, dad, I have to get on her. I need to like do the first ride. And so he's like, sure. He knows I'm experienced at this point. I've had years of riding experience. I've ridden bareback a lot. And so he gets some rope, gets some makeshift drains. I jump on Her. And I'm in the lake bed and we start to walk, and she immediately just starts bucking. So I get flown off. All I see is Hannah Banana jumping over me in slow motion. But what happens is that rope get caught around my calf.

[F]

Yep.

[C]

And I start being dragged. And so next thing you know, little beans being dragged across the dirt.

[F]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Probably like 50 yards. All I hear is my mother's piercing scream. And as a mother of two now, I, like, can't even imagine what she was going through at that point. And my dad was also in a state of shock. I'm covered in blood, no broken bones.

[A]

It's not a sandy bed.

[C]

Full dirt and rocks. I'm scraped up beyond belief. So fast forward. That's our intro into Hannah Banana. That was totally our fault. That's not the horse's fault. We were not being responsible. A few days later, we're like, well, we still have to exercise her and make sure that she's getting up to speed with her new house. And my friend down the street, she had horses. And she's like, well, why don't I come to the equestrian center with you and I'll help lead her and get her some exercise, since I still am, like, bruised and I can't really walk much. So she's with Hannah and she's walking her turns into a jog next to Hannah. Hannah turns around and donkey kicks my friend in the ribs.

[A]

No.

[B]

This is how people die.

[C]

I literally have this core memory of her flying.

[A]

Oh, my gosh.

[C]

She's alive and well, guys. She's a vet now to this day.

[A]

And not her first time getting kicked by whores. I imagine if you're around them all.

[C]

Growing up, I don't think she was ever kicked. Besides, when Hannah kicked her, like, ambulance showed up. Parents were involved. The whole city knew about it. Internal bleeding. She was in the hospital, I'm pretty sure, for a week.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

And at a children's hospital. I think she was at Chalk Orange County.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Okay, so. So Hannah Banana's two for two now. Yeah, let's see if she gets a third.

[C]

One week of having her.

[A]

Oh, boy.

[C]

Fast forward. We're getting a trainer. We invested in her. We're going to do whatever to, like, keep her and save her. She bucks everybody off in my family. Like, I was bucked off again multiple times. One was on Christmas Eve. I bruised my tailbone. Couldn't walk on Christmas. Another one, my mom was bugged off. She bruised ribs. Another time, my dad got home from riding Her. He was, like, bruised. The trainer was like, she spooks very easily. This is hard. But, like, I was also having a lot of fun with her. I was barrel racing at the equestrian center just for fun. I was having a grand old time on Hannah until one night, my dad took her out for a sunset cruise, and she got spooked and she bucked him off. And when she bucked him off, she started taking off running. And I don't know if she either tripped or if the reins fell down and she tripped, but she fell down and broke her hip.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Something like that large, like a horse, when that happens, it's catastrophic. And you have to literally put them down. A year and a half after getting Hannah a banana, we actually had to put her down in my backyard.

[A]

Oh, now, is it a cowboy put down or you call a vet?

[C]

You have to call a vet. And they come with the whole trailer. I didn't even get to say bye. My dad was like, stay inside. I literally think I blacked out this entire time of my life because even thinking about this story, it was hard to remember the details.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I texted my mom, I text my dad, I texted my s. They're like, we think it was 1998. It might have been 99. We might have had her for a year and a half. We don't know.

[B]

Oh, Hannah Banana.

[C]

Hannah Banana. Man, R.I.P. i feel really bad because I'm like, animal rights activists are probably.

[A]

What do we do? Like, this goes along with the territory of owning horses.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Right. This.

[C]

It does. Like, you expect to be bucked. You don't expect to be donkey kicked. I wouldn't say, but it could happen.

[B]

To be fair, it wasn't like you were like, we're going to put her down because she keeps hurting people. She hurt your dad and then hurt herself.

[A]

Pretty tolerant.

[B]

Actually, you were extra tolerant, but I.

[A]

Know what you're saying, because I live with great shame. Although I don't know what I would have done at 10 years old to alter this. But my father had gotten this dog because he had gotten married, and he bought a house finally, and it was all happening. It was gonna be domestic, and he got this Newfoundland dog, McKeever.

[B]

You love those types.

[A]

It's because of McIver and. Yeah. My dad was an alcoholic and worked all the time, and we were only there every other weekend, and this dog just got really. It was so neglected.

[B]

Oh, what about the wife?

[A]

They got divorced. Yeah. And my father's working theory is that the neighbors poisoned him, but he Ended up dying a couple years old outside.

[F]

Oh.

[A]

And I hate it. I feel like I need to get a newfound at some point in my life and, like, really spoil the new Flynn to make up for the McKeever thing. But to your point, I think about it once a month. I'm like, that poor dog deserved a better.

[B]

That's sad.

[C]

I'm pretty sure my mom has some of her tail hair in a bag.

[A]

Oh, and was that your last horse? Did they try it again?

[C]

Last horse I have ridden since, though. But my daughter got on a few years ago when she was two and I felt myself having, like, a panic.

[A]

Not that many people have said this to me, but people have definitely been concerned when, like, I taught Lincoln to ride a motorcycle right before her fourth birthday. And people are like, what? And I'm like, y', all, they're way safer than horses. They do at least the exact thing you tell it to do every time. It doesn't have a temper.

[C]

Exactly. I feel like we have so much in common. So I'm J2C.

[E]

No.

[A]

July.

[C]

July. Cancer.

[A]

I could tell right away.

[C]

Monica, you&I.J2C.87. Also a former gymnast, Tumblr, and went to school for PR. Still do it.

[A]

Do some flairs.

[B]

Show us. Prove it.

[C]

I actually did a cartwheel the other day at the park with my daughter. And I was like. I felt like cement. That was very cementy.

[B]

I know it hurts now and then.

[D]

Dax.

[C]

I have a very much adrenaline, thrill seeking husband. All tattooed. Loves weightlifting, loves cars, loves motorcycles. So I basically have my own Dax. But his name is Adam.

[A]

Oh, Adam. Welcome.

[B]

Look at all this crossover.

[A]

Yeah. Keep it going.

[C]

Crossover.

[A]

Well, lovely meeting you. Thanks for telling us that story.

[F]

Thank you, guys.

[A]

And Hannah Banana.

[B]

Rest in peace, RIP.

[A]

I hope she and McKeever are running through a field right now.

[C]

That's nice. They're having a lovely time.

[A]

They're in a Budweiser commercial in heaven. All right, take care.

[F]

Bye.

[B]

Do you remember one time when we were sitting at the kitchen table and Delta was just doing something so cute. She was so little. Probably like three or four. And you were like, who are you? And she said, it's me, Delta Fina.

[A]

There's so many ways to use a time machine.

[B]

I know.

[A]

And one of them would be, I'd love to go back, grab her and put her and Vinnie in a room together. Let them let him hash it out.

[B]

That would be so cute.

[A]

What's your daddy's name? What's your mama's name?

[B]

I would go back to Hang out with little Delta.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Jill. You're our second Jill in a row.

[F]

No.

[C]

Isn't that weird?

[D]

That is weird because I feel like you don't ever have Jills.

[B]

I agree. We don't.

[A]

I agree too.

[B]

So this is Simmy.

[A]

I also feel like I could build an entire fantasy about your life based solely on the door behind you, which is a solid wood. Beautiful door.

[B]

It is a nice door.

[D]

You know what?

[B]

It has very similar hardware to your old house. The old house.

[A]

In fact, that was exactly what all the doors in our old house look like. Are you in our old house?

[F]

I wish.

[D]

No, I'm not. But we did just do a remodel. I guess now it's been probably about two years and so new doors in the house. Fun.

[A]

Where are you at, Jill?

[D]

I am in Alaska.

[A]

No shit.

[B]

I think that's our first. Is it?

[A]

And I'm going to take just a random guess. I haven't looked in a long time. Is the sun coming up around 12:45pm when does it come up?

[D]

We're about 9, 30, 10 starting to come up. And then we get about three hours of daylight. Ish.

[A]

Monica would not make.

[B]

I would honestly not.

[D]

It's dusk, you know, a lot. But it's okay. We're hanging in there right now.

[B]

What brought you there?

[A]

Yeah. Are you from there or did you move there?

[D]

Born and raised.

[B]

I'm intimidated by you and I'm impressed by you.

[A]

You're scared of her.

[B]

You could handle something I could never handle.

[D]

We travel, so we're lucky in that area. But yes, it is intense sometimes. But then the summertime, we never sleep, it's light all the time and we just party.

[A]

Talk about a bipolar existence. I know. Wow. Okay. You have a pet story.

[D]

I do. This story took place in October of 2017. I have my notes because I have like text stuff that I'm going to read as well as we get going. But back then we had a dog named Harley. You know, they say, like, you maybe have a dog in your life that is the one dog that no other dog will ever compare to. And she was that dog. She was a mutt, so she was part husky. So therefore she just loved to run a lot. And so sometimes when it was windy or when she felt like it, I would let her outside to go to the bathroom and she would just take off. And I'm like, oh, here we go. Okay. But she always knew her way home.

[A]

Oh, good.

[D]

We live next to a huge park and woods all around. So she would just go Gallivant. And sometimes she'd be gone for a day or two, and she would come.

[A]

Back and are there any predators for her there?

[D]

Yeah, but she was pretty scrappy and pretty savvy. So if we get bears in the yard, she would fight them off.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

She was just a really cool dog. I can't even say enough about her. She was the love of my life.

[A]

Aw.

[D]

So anyways, this particular day, I let her outside. She took off. I'm like, oh, okay, here we go. But we had plans. We were going to lunch. I'm like, she's fine. She'll come back. So we go to lunch, and then as we're kind of wrapping up, I get a phone call, and it's an unknown number. I'm like, that's definitely Harley. Someone picked her up. They call, they say, hey, we have your dog. And I said, okay, great. This is what I told everyone. Not the smartest, but I was like, she knows her way home. If you just leave her, she knows how to get home. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, totally fine. I understand. I will come grab her as soon as you. We come home about 30 minutes. Okay. We don't feel comfortable just letting her go, but we'll wait for you. No problem. So as we're leaving the restaurant, I said, hey, can you please text me your address? Heading home. I just want to come grab my dog. Thanks. Four minutes later, I get a text as we're driving. My girlfriend and I have been looking for a dog, and we fell in love with your house.

[B]

No, no.

[D]

We are at a friend's house right now. It is 1.6 miles from your home. We were wondering if we would just be able to keep her. She is precious and seems easy to train. We want a dog that we can walk outside all the time to go adventuring and to take care of. If you do not have the time, we would love to take her. Please consider this. We would love to have her. She would be in a good home with undivided attention.

[B]

Oh, so there's some shame.

[A]

Well, did you take on shame? I mean, sorry, did you feel judged judgment?

[D]

Yeah, I mean, it's kind of one of those things I was like, probably shouldn't have said, she knows her way home. You can just let her find her.

[F]

She does.

[A]

But it does sound maybe a little bit like, whatever, man. That's an outdoor dog. What are you fucking worrying about?

[D]

100%. They probably were like, she doesn't even care about this dog. She doesn't care if she gets hit by a car. You know, I get that, but my husband's driving, I'm in the passenger seat, and our two boys are in the back seat. And I'm kind of in a panic at this point. And I'm like, I don't have a good feeling about this. So I text back and I said, is this a joke? She's almost 14 and a huge part of our family. I can assure you she's well cared for and loved. She's an indoor dog with husky in her. So she likes to run. Please give me your address.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

No response. So then I'm calling the phone number. No answer. They've totally ghosted me at this point. I'm like, now what? There goes my dog.

[A]

Other than really quick, I'm clutching for straws. I'm like, well, she's gonna get out again.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They don't know what they're in for. They're gonna take her to pee and she's gonna run right back home.

[D]

But they are like, we're at a friend's house, so if they take her to the other side of town, I don'. She's going to end up. My husband's driving. I'm like, I don't have a good feeling about this. I don't know. He said, okay, well, here's the deal. Like, we know the area where she usually is. She goes through our backyard into this other neighborhood and then cuts into the park. We're just going to drive over to the neighborhood and see if we can see her or see what's going on. I'm like, okay. So we're driving in the neighborhood and I you not. Another car passes us going the other direction and she's hanging out the back window.

[A]

Oh, thank God. No.

[B]

But also, they're on the run with her.

[D]

And I completely not thinking, open my door. And I'm like, harley. But then they see me, so now they know we're onto them. My husband's like, get in the car. I'm like, okay, okay. So I jump back in the car, I shut the door. He whips around. We start chasing them, following them at this point, but they are so, so hell bent on stealing my dog. They are blowing through people's yards. Stop it. They almost took out a mailbox. They start driving like a crazy person.

[A]

Like they've robbed a bank.

[D]

They're on the run. My husband is not one to let this go lightly. So keep in mind, we do have our two children in the back seat, and we now start chasing them and we blow through this neighborhood, they don't care. They're not stopping for stop signs. They're not stopping for anything.

[A]

And you've not called 911. You've not involved the cops yet.

[B]

This is the first time you've asked about 91 1.

[A]

Well, my first thought would be like, I'm definitely telling them, but I got to get the police involved immediately.

[D]

That is a great point. No, we have not done that. And honestly, I guess I didn't really think it would go this far. I kind of just thought like, well, once we saw her in the car, they would pull over and be like, oh, okay. I don't know what we were thinking. No, that didn't happen. So my husband is at least slowing down, kind of stopping for stop signs just to make sure no one's coming. And then we'll like hightail it after him. So we're going down this main road in Anchorage, and the speed limit is 45 and we're going over 100.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[D]

And I'm like, gripping the door. But also, it's my dog. We gotta get her. I would say we're probably in a high speed chase for about five miles. And finally then I'm like, okay, I'm calling the cops. I'm like, hey, this is what's going on. They had already received numerous phone calls at this point. They said, you're the one chasing. I said, yes, they have my dog. She said, no, this is not okay. You need to pull over. You have to stop. I'm like, okay. So I said to my husband, I was like, hey, you gotta pull over. So we pull over into a gas station and. And the car had a personalized license plate, so we knew it wasn't hard to remember. And my husband, who was in the automotive industry for years and years, he calls in a favor to a friend and he's like, hey, run this plate for me. So we get the info on the guy, we have the address, the full name, everything. So my husband calls the phone number that we've been texting with. Of course they don't answer, but he calls the number and he said, here's the deal, motherfucker. I know where you live. I have your address. I have your full name. I know everything else about you. If you don't give my wife her dog duck, I will hunt you down and kill you. I. Ryan, you can't say that. He's like, I don't care.

[B]

Yes, I love you.

[A]

I'm an Alaskan.

[D]

Yes. I'm like, oh, my God.

[A]

Really quick, I'm like, trying to weigh out what one's a felony, what one's a misdemeanor. Dog napping versus threatening someone's life.

[D]

I know, exactly. The cops are like, just go home, will send someone to talk to you. The cops show up about two hours later and they read my husband the riot act. And he's like, well, they stole her dog. And he's like, that's not a kid. You can't do this. You can't be in a high speed chase down the road.

[A]

I just gotta flag one thing. He's such a husband. He keeps referring to it as your dog, which is how I refer to our dogs. I'm like, that's.

[B]

The husband doesn't care about the dog.

[A]

No. He's got to keep his wife happy. That's all his job is.

[D]

He puts up with the dogs, but he doesn't care about the dog, like ever. You know, he's like, whatever, it's your dog. But also he's like, no, I'm not gonna let someone fuck with you.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

So basically after them, standing in our EntryWay for probably 30 minutes, just giving it to him, they kind of stopped and they didn't arrest him. And then they said, well, do you have any questions? And like, yeah, where's my dog?

[C]

Exactly.

[D]

And the cop said, she's in the back of our squad car in the driveway. I'm like, oh. They said, you can come outside and get her. And it was really sweet too, because the cop said, I understand she's a runner. She's a skinny dog. So their defense was she's malnutrition. They don't take care of her. And he's like, no, she's just athletic. I said, you can look. She free eats. Her food and water are out all the time. She has access to whatever she wants. But she's a runner. She's skinny. It's just who she is. He said, I know, I understand. So anyways, yeah, I walked out into the driveway and got my dog.

[A]

So the folks didn't get in any trouble?

[F]

No.

[D]

Isn't that crazy? So I wonder if he wouldn't have threatened them on their voicemail if it would have been more that they would have gotten in trouble. We got the dog back, and in the end that was all we really cared about. But it was funny because he does have a personalized license plate. I've seen him driving around town like three times, and I always pull up next to him and roll my window down. I'm like, you stole my dog.

[A]

Oh, wow. Yeah.

[B]

Good, good.

[D]

I'm not letting him get off easy. So that was how we ended up in a high speed chase with our dog being kidnapped.

[B]

That is a great story. I'm sorry about all the details, but glad we got to hear it.

[D]

This morning our Internet went out twice.

[B]

Oh, boy, that's scary.

[D]

What am I gonna do? So my husband went and set up Starlink outside and he's like, it's fine. We're gonna make this work.

[F]

That's so.

[A]

I like this guy.

[B]

I do too.

[A]

Yeah, I'm kinda hot for this guy.

[F]

He sounds great.

[A]

Well, you're radical.

[B]

Yes. Thanks for chatting with us.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm really glad it was a happy ending.

[A]

Me too.

[D]

Yeah. And we lost her in the very beginning of COVID but she was the best dog ever. So I'm really glad that I got to speak about her and give her a little shout out.

[A]

Yeah. All right, Jill, take care. Bye.

[D]

Bye.

[A]

Eric.

[D]

Hi.

[A]

Can you hear us?

[E]

I can hear you. Can you hear me?

[A]

We can hear you wonderfully. And I'm so excited because I do see that we have some photographic evidence of whatever story you're about to tell us. And we don't know what it is yet, but I love when there's photos.

[E]

We'll give a warning before we show them.

[F]

Okay.

[A]

Where are you at, Eric?

[E]

I'm in northwest Indiana, so right between kind of Chicago and Michigan.

[A]

Garyish.

[E]

A little bit south, like 20 minutes.

[A]

Oh, okay, great. And did you go up to the dunes ever when you were a kid?

[E]

Yeah, we love it there. I take my son there all the time.

[A]

Yeah, it's spectacular, isn't it?

[E]

One of our favorite places.

[A]

So you have a pet story?

[F]

I do.

[E]

This story takes place in Michigan. I was planning a family reunion, getting a bunch of the extended family together, and I decided to go to a place up along the coast. It was called Ludington. I think you might be familiar with it.

[A]

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

[E]

We found a resort where we had been before. And getting everyone together was always difficult. So we had to make some concessions, bring pets along. I talked through with the owner, we paid the pet fee. Everybody's coming. Big family vacation. So off to a good start.

[A]

What year is this?

[E]

2021.

[A]

So we do have chain text messages, and so I'm just trying to think of the logistical barriers here. But you chose an easy year to do this in.

[E]

Yeah, it a year and a half post Covid in the summer, everyone trying to go out and figure out what they can do for the first time. So we picked a nice outdoor activity and a reason to get everyone together. So the event happens on a night where we're a couple nights into the vacation, everybody's having a good time, we have a nice tent set up, lights, we're having a party. I brought my 8 month old dog who was up in our cabin and want to tell you a little bit about the layout. There's two cabins up on a hill, big long stairs, and then on the main level is the grass. And then there's a big main cabin. So we're out there, we're having a good time. I'm having some drinks, catching up with cousins, and I have to pee. So it's a long walk up the stairs. So I decide to just go over behind a bush. And at that moment my wife stops me. My wife, also eight months pregnant at the time, and says, you know what, why don't you go inside? And I'm like, you're right. I go into the main cabin, I go to walk to the bathroom and a family member's dog is sitting on the couch. I decide to go up and pet it, just sit on the couch. And then bam. Blood everywhere.

[B]

Ooh boy.

[E]

The dog just jumped on my face and bit me.

[A]

Oh my goodness. What kind of dog?

[E]

It was a mutt. I'm not really sure the kind. It's probably like 30, 40 pounds. In that moment, I really didn't know what happened. It was so quick. I just jumped back and I really couldn't see much at all. There's just blood everywhere. I know this cabin layout cause we have been here before. So I make my way over to the sink and I'm also a little afraid the dog's gonna come back at me.

[B]

Right, sure.

[A]

Sure did get its fill.

[E]

Yeah. So I find some paper towels, whatever I can, I put them on my face. And then I see a little bit. I look down, the whole thing's just drenched with blood.

[B]

Oh my God.

[E]

At this moment I'm thinking, I need to get back to my wife. The whole family's right around the corner. So I stumble out the door and then they're about another 10ft to where they could see me.

[A]

But Eric, you did not look in a mirror.

[E]

No.

[A]

God, I would have had to have looked at. That was my first. I was like, I gotta get in front of a mirror.

[E]

It was so bad.

[B]

Yeah. You knew it needed to be addressed so quickly.

[A]

Okay. No time to gander.

[E]

Not at all. I could barely see.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

I make my way out of the cabin. And I kind of fall to the ground and just get on my hands and knees. Cause it feels better. I start to crawl towards the corner to where I can be seen. And I get there and then I go to yell for help and nothing comes out.

[A]

Oh, my God. What?

[E]

Just pretty much choking on blood at this point. Anytime I try and talk.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

Lord. Eric.

[E]

Pretty bad situation at this point. I kind of take a second and just start waving my hands jumping up. And my wife sees me. And I talked to her before this, and she said I hurdled a picnic table pregnant. Just to get over there as fast as I could. Everyone just runs around for help. I tell them what happened. The first thing is there's a doctor in the family. They're like, let's get him. He's a cardiologist. There wasn't much he was gonna do.

[A]

He's hammered. But let's get him in the mix.

[E]

90% of people are hammered in this place.

[A]

Well, you're gonna pee in a bush. So we know the state of affairs.

[E]

So my wife, obviously pregnant, was not hammered. So she's kind of like, let's just get him immediately in the car and get to the hospital. Cause I can tell how bad it is at this point. They can't really see how bad it is.

[B]

Cause you have a paper towel on it still.

[A]

Or is there so much blood?

[E]

So much blood. They pour some water. It's pretty much my nose is like hanging off.

[B]

Oh, my God. No wonder you were choking on blood too, because, like, draining down.

[E]

Exactly. It's draining back into my throat. I say something and no words come out.

[A]

Oh, boy.

[B]

Monica's really good.

[A]

Roughed up right now.

[B]

I liked dogs after the last story, and now I back to hate dogs.

[A]

Well, how about yours? Just back to zero.

[B]

No, I hate them.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

For the record, I still love dogs. But now we're kind of in this situation where I just need to get to the hospital. This is small lake town. There's like one place to go. It's about 25 minutes away. My wife is the only one who can drive me. We don't even bother calling an ambulance. We just throw me in the car. So we get there, they get me in right away. But the doctor who was helping me did not inspire confidence. He pretty much said, this is my first time doing something like this.

[B]

Even if it's true, just don't say it.

[E]

Yes. Yeah, well, it gets worse. Cause then he said it looked like hamburger meat.

[A]

This is a small town dog.

[B]

He doesn't need to say that, especially now.

[E]

We need to stitch it up back together. So the first tooth bite was up in my forehead, and then it came down and then got, like, the top side of my nose where my eyebrow meets my nose. And then it went in through, like, the side, and then went through and tore through the septum down to this bottom part of the nose.

[A]

Oh, my God. I need a whole face. Like Jack the Ripper guy.

[E]

Yeah, pretty much. So they start stitching me up. I get, like, a local anesthetic. I still have a lot of blood, and there's not really an assistant, so it ends up being my wife. She's just, like, helping him out. And I'm just spitting into a rag.

[A]

It's like a cash only doctor office.

[E]

We get, like, one or two stitches in, and I start to feel it a little bit. I shouldn't be feeling it. So we're gonna do a quick flashback here. But I had had some dental work in the past. I've never had a major surgery, but it turns out that I metabolized anesthesia a little bit faster. My dad's a redhead.

[A]

Oh, I was gonna say.

[D]

I was gonna say he choose it.

[A]

But you don't have red hair.

[E]

I've since had surgery, and they told me it took about, like, two and a half times the amount of anesthesia. So we get two stitches in, and then we need another shot. And now it makes me a little queasy to think about. Cause I'm like, what are you putting the shot into?

[C]

Ah, yeah.

[E]

Yeah. We pretty much just go through this process of, like, every three to four stitches, I get another shot.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[E]

I end up getting 40 to 45 stitches throughout the whole nose. And towards the end, when he did kind of the nostril, he looped it a little too tight, and he had to take it out and do it again.

[A]

Okay, you need to misfire a little.

[B]

Well, it was his first time.

[A]

Honestly, the fact that it only happened once is kind of pretty good for the listener. I'm staring at your nose, and I'm shocked. It looks great. Yeah. There's no residual.

[B]

I don't even see any scars.

[A]

I don't even see your nose.

[B]

For the listener, he doesn't have a nose.

[A]

And it looks great.

[E]

After this, I would get with friends, and they're like, oh, it kind of doesn't look too bad. And I'm like, no, it was very, very bad. And no one really understood how bad it was. And, you know, I've talked to a Few people, they still don't really get. My nose was pretty much not attached to my face for. For a while.

[A]

And are we to now look at these photos?

[B]

Oh, I forgot their photo.

[A]

Are we at that point of the experience?

[E]

There's the day of when I got out okay.

[B]

Yeah, it was off. This is when they put it back. But it is barely on. It's barely on.

[A]

What feels lucky is your septum seems really disfigured in one of the photos. But it does seem later that it did. Did end up getting vertical again. But it looks like it's on an angle completely. Yeah, yeah, right.

[E]

Yes. All it was was stitching. Like I didn't have any plastic surgery. No, like deviated septum surgery afterwards. I could show you here, but you might be able to see it's a little crooked.

[A]

A tiny bit.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Only when you did that and really pointed it out, we would never have noticed that.

[A]

What was the reaction of the owner of the dog? Was it an immediate close relative or was it like very extended close relative?

[E]

And I. I don't want to get into it too much to just air the dirty laundry, but it didn't go well. We had some back and forth.

[A]

Okay, sure. You just want to minimally warn everyone the dog bites. This probably would have been my thing.

[B]

This kind. Yes. I think actually by law. I'm serious.

[A]

I know, I know, I know.

[B]

This kind of attack, that dog can't be around people.

[E]

The doctor, when we got there, was just like, where was the bite? Because it's a different story if it's like the leg versus the face. I guess they categorize it differently if it's attacking your face. So we went rounds on that and we're good now.

[A]

Okay. The family reunion to end all family reunions. But you made it through. That's good.

[B]

I do want to know, is it your family or your wife's family?

[E]

Oh, good question. My family.

[B]

Okay. That's better.

[A]

If it was wives, family, he coordinated the whole thing. Which you would have been the husband of the century if you coordinated your wife's family reunion. Wowzers. And are you at all gun shy around dogs now? Do they have any residual effect or not?

[E]

No, I'm more careful. I'm not really shy around them for a while afterwards, I'm thinking twice as I lean down to, like, pet a dog. I'm not doing that anymore.

[B]

No, no.

[E]

But I've got a golden retriever. We're always out on walks and, you know, you see all these dogs barking. It is a Little scary.

[A]

My fear of dogs started by getting attacked by two Dobermans when I was, like, nine years old, walking down the street, and fuck me, was that scary.

[E]

My wife, she's also been bit by Doberman.

[B]

I've been bit, too. A lot of people have been bit. Bite dogs.

[A]

Oh, yeah, they bite a lot.

[B]

Not good. And then people are like, why do you hate dogs? Like, they kill people.

[A]

Well, you know what it is? I totally get it. As I was hearing the story, I was forcing myself to recognize a parallel with me, which is like, I ride dirt bikes, and I ride motorcycles, and you get hurt on them, and if you love motorcycles and dirt bikes, you just don't care. You're like, yeah, whatever. That's part of it. And if you just love dogs, you're like, yeah, sometimes they bite, and that's part of it. If you love the outcome, which is owning a dog, it's very easy to file it as just, like, the same way I. These injuries that are inevitable when you ride motorcycles as a hobby or if you ride horses, you're gonna get bucked, and all these things are gonna happen.

[B]

And you're hurting yourself.

[E]

True.

[B]

For me, it's about, what if your motorcycle just randomly ran over your kid's foot? Like, you probably wouldn't have it.

[A]

But I do understand when you love something, you just file things much differently.

[B]

I mean, that's true.

[E]

I mean, it's different if it's your dog versus someone else's dog. And we bought a golden retriever. You know, they're not biting very many people, and that was part of it. We got two little kids, so we were like, let's get a very chill dog.

[B]

I'm so sorry that happened. Yikes.

[E]

Thanks. Every day I look in the mirror, I'm astounded it looks the way it does.

[A]

Well, Eric, that was delightful. As miserable as it was, I enjoyed it just the same.

[B]

Yeah. Thanks for sharing.

[E]

Yeah. Absolutely. Nice talking to you guys.

[A]

Take care.

[E]

Bye.

[D]

Hi. Hi.

[A]

Oh, my God. You're in a soundproof box.

[F]

I am. It's part of my work. We take a lot of interviews and calls, so I was able to actually have a soundproof box, which is pretty nice.

[A]

My goodness. I love it. And we're going by Rose, but we're not really Rose. Is that what I'm understanding?

[F]

I am going by Rose because I work in education, and so I figure just best practice to have a pseudonym. But I will have my dog's name be her actual name because she's the star of the Story.

[A]

Okay, great. Anna Rose by any other name.

[C]

Oh, I like that.

[A]

There's something to be said there. Are you allowed to tell us where you're at in the world or some general sense?

[F]

Yes. So I'm actually in Los Angeles, California.

[A]

And did you move here or you were born here?

[F]

I moved here. So this story will actually take place on my road trip whilst moving out to California in 2020.

[A]

Okay. Because you strike me as a Midwesterner just right off the bat for some reason. Where are you from originally?

[F]

Minnesota.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

You nailed it.

[A]

I'll take that. Good people. Good people. Like Michiganders, I think. So have you done some ice fishing and snowmobiling?

[F]

Absolutely. That was a lot of my childhood, sitting in a box with a little heater.

[A]

Yeah. Drinking schnapps.

[F]

Maybe not at 10, but a little bit later in life.

[A]

Okay. Okay. We would agree, right? It's an excuse to drink ice fish.

[F]

I would say so. I'd say there would be a lot of, like, Coors Light in those boxes. A lot of whiskey.

[A]

In Michigan, for whatever reason, what was customary, I guess you got, like, mint juleps at the Kentucky Derby, you got signature drinks. And for whatever reason, in Michigan, when you went ice fishing, it was schnapps time. Oh, yeah. Just nipping on that cinnamon schnapps.

[B]

Cause it's cozy and it, like, warms.

[A]

You up a little bit.

[F]

It's funny you say that, because my brother, one of the things we found in his room after he left for college was peppermint schnapps under his bed.

[A]

Good for him. Ice fisherman waiting to happen. Okay, so, Rose, you have a pet story.

[F]

So on behalf of my loving dog, Dawson. It was July 19, 2020. I had just graduated my master's in education program, and I got a job out in Northern California. My brother's been in Los angeles for, like, 20 years.

[A]

The Schnapp sound.

[F]

Yes, the schnapp sound.

[A]

Okay.

[F]

I always wanted to be closer to him. And I got a job in Northern California. And of course, course, July 2020, interesting times. We decided to drive me out here, and it was me and my dog, Dawson. And then my mom was driving with us in our car to help keep company. So my Toyota Camry, it did me very well. And Dawson was in the back seat. My mom and I were in the front. We were driving cross country. Everything was going well. We planned a couple of days, so we made our first try. Went really well. Second day, we're driving through Wyoming, specifically between, I want to say the interstates were the 80 and the 25. And we'd stop every once in a while to, of course, take a break ourselves and then also to let Dawson run around, play and use the bathroom. One of the stops that we came up on in Wyoming was when we were in the middle of nowhere in Wyoming. We were at least 30 minutes from the last place we had stopped. And then a good probably hour and a half from the next potential pit stop area. So we get out. My mom went to get snacks. I took Dawson for her bathroom break.

[A]

Tinkle time. Oh, okay. Duty time. Yeah, good.

[B]

Number two.

[F]

Let's just say it was taking a while. It was taking a lot longer than it typically did. And when she seemed like she was done, she kept rubbing her backside on the ground. And I checked to see, you know, sometimes there's something dangling, we need a paper towel, etc. Except for instead of seeing a dangling piece of poop or anything else or grass, I see a red bulb the size of a miniature plum. Oh, I have a picture that I did send to Rob. If he has it.

[A]

There we go. We have it.

[B]

Should we look at it?

[A]

Now? The time to look.

[F]

Now's the time to look at it.

[B]

You have a guess.

[A]

Well, I think some of his intestine is coming out, but maybe there's an object. Foreign object. Let's see. Very startling photo to open. Oh, wow. Okay, great. Great, great, great. It appears to be like a play ball.

[F]

That's what it looked like.

[B]

It is large. Okay.

[A]

Also, it's completely hemispherical. So how you're going to find purchase on this thing? With your fingers and get a good grip on it.

[B]

But maybe you're right about intestines.

[A]

And I'm also glad you guys had the wherewithal to photograph this as it was happening. Yeah, I love that. So often things happen like two hours later. Like, why on earth did I not take a picture?

[F]

I did have to contact my mom because I couldn't find any photos on my camera. And I was asking her, I'm like, there must be a photo somewhere of this. And she of course had it on her phone because I was holding Dawson as this was happening to try to figure out wtf? What is happening, because nothing would help wipe it off.

[B]

Oh, you were trying to wipe it off.

[F]

That's very sweet. Some hope at first.

[A]

I can't stop staring at you.

[D]

I know, Me too.

[A]

It's kind of weird because it's so foreign. It almost looks like the planet of Saturn is coming out of your dog's ass.

[B]

Yeah, the color is bright.

[F]

Yeah, it's bright red. I will say, when I was speaking to my mom yesterday to get some reminders, she did say, oh, yeah, it looks like a clown's nose coming out of her butt. And I was like, that's a good one too.

[A]

Yeah, really spot on.

[F]

Nothing was helping. She kept trying to rub it off, and it became soon apparent that it was, in fact, a part of her. But we didn't know what part of her it was. So we called around. It was July 19, it was a Sunday, and we were in the middle of nowhere in Wyoming, so we were working really hard to find a vet hospital that was nearby. The only one that we could find was 30 minutes backtracking in the direction we just came. And so we're like, all right, we're gonna drive there. We describe what happened. They gave us no resolve as to what it could be. They just said, make sure she doesn't bite at it. Come here as soon as you can. And so we drove straight there, and we get to this small town vet, really small office, one vet tech. Very sweet lady. I don't remember her name, but I feel like it must have been like, Kimberly or Deb. She was just like, oh, hi, welcome. Y' all are the people who called. And the vet came out, who's probably in his mid to late 70s. And he took one look at her, and he said, oh, bring her to the back table. And then he looked at the nurse, and all he says is, bring the gloves and the sugar.

[A]

Mmm, sugar.

[D]

Okay.

[F]

Sugar range. Still no indication of what's going on. No talking to us. He just tells us, oh, yeah, walk back here. He proceeds to put the gloves on. Like, please get her up on the table. Oh, yeah, you can just hold her. Maybe help hold up her tail. Still zero explanation as to what he's doing or what is happening. And he has the gloves on. He takes a gigantic handful of sugar.

[A]

Wow.

[F]

And he just slowly just puts the giant handful of sugar onto her asshole. Yes, exactly. Onto her asshole.

[A]

Is that the first time you've said in your life? Because that was such a cute Minnesota. Oh, I got to say, asshole.

[F]

I'm pretty used to not swearing in certain settings. Teacher for so long. And, yep, he's very slowly putting on there. And then he finally starts to explain. Oh, you know, this happens. This is her butt lining. She might just be stressed. He goes in for a second handful of sugar. It was a prolapse. Yep.

[A]

But the sugar. I've never heard of this whole sugar thing. Did he explain why that was the mechanism?

[F]

Yeah. So he said there's something about the sugar, reduces the inflammation. Because he did it three times, slowly but surely. And it went back in. We told him that we were still traveling across the country. What should we do? I didn't have a vet yet in California, and he just said, you can just do this again. He gave us gloves. He said, go to the store, buy a bag of sugar.

[D]

Wow.

[F]

If it happens again, do the same thing. You just take a giant scoop full of sugar slowly on there a couple of times, and then it would go back in. We ended up up taking his advice. He gave us some gloves. We paid our vet bill, got her a cone, which I think I shared a second picture.

[A]

She looks very happy in her comb.

[B]

Her tongue is nice and pink. That means healthy.

[A]

Her nose is damp.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

She's happy. She no longer had her butt hanging out of her backside, which was nice.

[A]

Did you guys have to pack it back in at any point?

[F]

We absolutely did.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[F]

We got through the salt flats. We got to Nevada, and the first gas station stop that we stopped at in Nevada, we were taking her out to go to the bathroom again. She had been pretty calm. She was happy in her cone. She took a nap. Take her out, goes to poop again, happens again. And we followed the vet's instructions and used the gloves and the sugar about three times. Three giant scoopfuls of sugar, and it went right back in.

[B]

That's so wild.

[F]

Very wild. Though it did give her the nickname sugar butt.

[A]

You know what I was thinking this whole time? I was like, I've always heard this term, he's a candy ass, or they're a candy ass. And I've always thought, what on earth is that even. Even mean, that term? It could be someone who's so regularly prolapsing Uranus that their ass is covered in sugar. Yeah. Wow. That's what I guess I'm going to assume that means.

[B]

That's what we can assume it means. Wait a minute. It's strange because sugar, I feel like normally would irritate and cause.

[A]

Well, we think of it as causing it.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

But that might be society telling us a lot.

[A]

What I was going to say is there are many, many times where you might not be thrilled that you have an older person helping you. Like something requiring great prowess of vision or quick reflexes. You know, like, you might not want your surgeon, but this is exactly. In fact, the older the vet, the better, because they have seen every goddamn thing. Like that whole sugar thing. Might not be in a medical book at all. It might be over the years he's packed enough cows asses back in in this small farm town and he figured shit out along the way. He's like, one look. Yeah, get my sugar.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

What if it's proprietary to just him?

[A]

Well, what if you go into his medical cabinet? Like there's WD40, there's sugar. There's like all these bizarre things that work. It makes me think of. There was a Michael J. Fox movie where he went to a small town to be a doctor. This kid got really ill and he came into the office and he thought he was having appendicitis. And then the old man came, man, and he's like, get him a can of Coca Cola. And they get in a big fight about. He makes him drink the Coca Cola. Kid feels better. And he goes, you get into your old man's chewing tobacco and he's like, yeah. And it's like, that's what you're looking for in that sitch.

[B]

That's such a trope. The old doctor.

[A]

I love it. We've just found out it's true. At least in the vet community.

[F]

Yeah, apparently it's a tried and true. And at least hopefully this can be a cautionary tale if anyone comes across across this now, you know, you could just get gloves and a spoonful of sugar.

[B]

Hell, screw the gloves.

[A]

I might use a Snickers bar. Just rub a Snickers bar. Like a probe.

[B]

Oh my gosh.

[F]

A caramel treat for afterwards.

[A]

Oh yeah. Caramelized apple.

[B]

Oh wow.

[A]

Well, Rose, this is weirdly heartwarming.

[D]

Rose.

[B]

It kind of looks like a rose coming out of its bark.

[A]

Sure. We didn't say and sweet if it had more folds and convolutions.

[B]

I hate that. I really want to like.

[A]

Well, cuz it's not gross. It does look like a clown's nose coming out.

[B]

It looks very smooth.

[A]

Or like those little orange balls you play rollerblade hockey with. It looks like he or she ate a ball.

[F]

I want to give a quick shout out if that's okay, to my brother. He's the person who initially got me put on to armchair expert and I've been listening ever since.

[A]

Oh, lovely. I love how much you like your brother.

[D]

Me too.

[B]

I was thinking that too.

[A]

You.

[B]

You wanted to be near him.

[A]

All right, Rose, lovely meeting you.

[D]

Thank you.

[A]

All right, take care.

[F]

Bye.

[B]

These teachers, they're a hundred out of a hundred. Sweet.

[A]

They're in a two way tie with nurses for the best of the best.

[B]

Yeah, but nurses are a little. They're kinky. Yeah, they're pervy. They're a little pervy.

[A]

That's why I like them.

[B]

Yeah, they're nasty. But the teachers are like.

[A]

They're wholesome. Yeah, they're good. Good, good. Not all of them, though.

[E]

Good.

[A]

Boy, there's some bad apples in there. Like that apple coming out of haunches. What's his name?

[B]

But I do wish people could see it.

[A]

Yeah, me too. All right, well, I love.

[B]

That was fun.

[A]

Yeah, it was.

[B]

Pets.

[A]

Yeah, pets. Get them.

[E]

Do you want to sing a tune or something? We know a theme song.

[A]

Oh, okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here. Here I go. Go. We're going to ask some random questions and with the help of arm cherries, we'll get some suggestions on the fire rhyme dish. On the fire rhyme dish. Enjoy.