Armchair Anonymous: Public Transit

Summary

Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard – Episode Summary: “Armchair Anonymous: Public Transit”

Release Date: May 16, 2025
Host: Dax Shepard
Guest: Monica Padman

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Introduction

In this episode of Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard, host Dax Shepard is joined by Monica Padman to delve into the chaotic and often unpredictable world of public transit. Titled “Armchair Anonymous: Public Transit,” the discussion aims to uncover the myriad of experiences—ranging from humorous to harrowing—that commuters encounter daily. The episode features riveting stories from various callers, each sharing their unique encounters on public transportation systems.

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Main Stories and Anecdotes

1. A High School Trip to Madrid: Pickpocketing on the Metro

Caller: Jesse (Bakmd from Baltimore, Maryland)

Timestamp: [04:01] – [13:18]

Jesse recounts a memorable incident from a high school trip to Madrid in 2015. As a 16-year-old on a Spanish language immersion trip, Jesse was advised by his mother to be vigilant against pickpockets. Despite the caution, Jesse found himself in a situation where his wallet was stolen on the overcrowded metro.

• The Incident:
  After a day of exploring Madrid’s shopping district, Jesse and his peers boarded a packed metro train. At [07:55], he realizes his wallet is missing when he checks his bag. Upon confronting a suspicious individual, he retrieves his wallet only to find the cash gone, leaving only his debit card intact.

• Teacher Intervention:
  Jesse informs his Spanish teacher about the theft ([08:36]). Without the ability to change trains due to the crowd, the teacher takes swift action by confronting the thief in Spanish ([10:19]).

• Chase and Resolution:
  As the train stops, the PE teacher chases the thief onto the platform, eventually detaining him with the help of Spanish police. However, the thief manages to conceal some of the stolen money in an unexpected and awkward manner ([10:41]). Despite the dramatic pursuit, Jesse never recovers the lost cash.

• Aftermath:
  Jesse reflects on the incident, expressing gratitude for the teacher’s quick response but also lamenting the loss ([13:22]). The story underscores the importance of vigilance and the sometimes unpredictable nature of public transit environments.

Notable Quotes:

• Jesse at [12:18]: “She did not leave my side for the rest of the night.”
• Monica at [10:48]: “She just thought, okay, I’m going to put it here. No one’s going to search me here.”

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2. Stranded in Boston’s Subway System: A Nighttime Ordeal

Caller: Matthew (Based in Boston)

Timestamp: [17:52] – [45:19]

Matthew shares a harrowing experience of being stranded overnight in Boston’s historic subway system, highlighting the challenges and unexpected dangers of navigating public transit after hours.

• Getting Locked In:
  In 1992, right after graduating from Northeastern University, Matthew was working as a valet near Boston Common. After missing the last train ([20:27]), he finds himself unable to exit the subway station, as both the entrance and exit are locked.

• Attempted Escape:
  At [21:20], Matthew decides to walk along the tracks to reach the next station but encounters swarms of city rats and navigates poorly lit areas. His misguided attempt to escape leads him to another locked exit ([22:13]).

• Emergency Exit:
  Matthew discovers an emergency exit after struggling through darkness and rat-infested areas ([23:10]). Emerging from the subway at 1:15 a.m., he describes the chaotic scene of late-night revelers who are stunned by his appearance.

• Desperate Measures:
  To calm his nerves, Matthew enters the Cactus Club and orders a Cactus Bowl, which helps him relax enough to eventually find a cab and return home safely ([24:29]).

• Professional Impact:
  Years later, Matthew connects this experience to his professional life, using the story as a credibility booster in a sales meeting with the MBTA, demonstrating honesty and integrity even when the outcome wasn't successful ([25:47]).

Notable Quotes:

• Monica at [21:58]: “Or flashlights in your pocket.”
• Matthew at [24:32]: “That's gonna help?”

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3. Chicago’s L and the Perils of Late-Night Transit During Lollapalooza

Caller: Big Will (Based in Chicago)

Timestamp: [28:36] – [38:36]

Big Will recounts an intense late-night experience on Chicago’s elevated train system, the L, during the Lollapalooza music festival weekend, illustrating the potential dangers and the importance of quick thinking in crowded transit settings.

• The Encounter:
  During Lollapalooza weekend, Big Will and his friends board a packed L train at 1 a.m. ([28:42]). A visibly intoxicated man begins aggressively eating flaming hot Doritos ([28:44]), creating an uncomfortable atmosphere.

• Escalation:
  As Big Will approaches his stop, the man continues his disruptive behavior, prompting concern among the group. Big Will contacts his friend Sam for advice, leading him to seek refuge at Cheezies—a local late-night eatery—with the help of vigilant bouncers ([33:06]).

• Chase and Safety:
  The aggressor returns with a crowbar, attempting to cause more trouble. Big Will hides in the back of Cheezies while the bouncers manage to deter the man using batons ([35:32]). The staff’s intervention not only ensures Big Will’s safety but also forges an unexpected friendship between him and the bouncers ([36:03]).

• Post-Incident Friendship:
  The resolution transforms a frightening experience into a lasting camaraderie, with Big Will and the bouncers becoming friends and frequenting Cheezies together ([37:26]).

Notable Quotes:

• Monica at [29:51]: “Oh my God.”
• Big Will at [35:41]: “This is also very Chicago.”

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4. Tucson Bus Ride: Grated Feet and Unusual Behaviors

Caller: Katie (Based in Tucson, Arizona)

Timestamp: [38:36] – [46:10]

Katie shares an uncomfortable yet fascinating story from her daily bus commute in Tucson, focusing on an eccentric passenger’s peculiar habit of using a cheese grater on his feet to cope with the summer heat.

• Daily Commute Enjoyment:
  Initially skeptical about using public transit, Katie finds solace in the quiet mornings and the ability to study while riding the bus ([40:20]).

• Unusual Passenger:
  On a particularly sweltering day, Katie notices a regular bus rider, referred to as “Peter Pete,” who begins sawing at his heels with what appears to be a cheese grater ([40:25]). Instead of reacting negatively, Katie chooses to remain silent and respect his privacy ([42:39]).

• Community Atmosphere:
  Despite the grossness of the situation, the bus community remains polite and unperturbed, showcasing a level of tolerance and acceptance ([43:14]).

• Personal Reflection:
  Katie appreciates the respectful attitudes of her fellow passengers, even in the face of bizarre behaviors, and emphasizes the importance of maintaining composure in uncomfortable situations ([44:15]).

Notable Quotes:

• Monica at [42:41]: “This is a torture chamber.”
• Katie at [43:44]: “Thankfully, no one made a scene.”

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Concluding Interactions

Throughout the episode, Dax and Monica engage in humorous and light-hearted banter, reflecting on the absurdities of public transit. They provide empathetic and often comic reactions to the callers' stories, enhancing the relatability and entertainment value of the episode.

Additional interactions include greetings from friends and family of the callers, fostering a sense of community and support among the listeners. The episode wraps up with listeners sharing heartfelt thanks and birthday wishes, cementing the podcast’s role as a comforting and engaging space for sharing personal experiences.

Notable Quotes:

• Monica at [45:18]: “Life will continue.”
• Dax at [46:35]: “We are supported by Addie Flavanserin, the Little Pink Pill.”

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Key Takeaways and Insights

• Vigilance on Public Transit:
  Both Jesse’s and Big Will’s stories underscore the importance of staying vigilant and prepared while navigating crowded and unfamiliar transit systems.

• Human Resilience and Community Support:
  These narratives highlight how individuals and communities come together in stressful situations, whether through the swift actions of a teacher or the protective presence of bouncers, showcasing human resilience.

• Acceptance of Eccentric Behaviors:
  Katie’s encounter on the Tucson bus illustrates the delicate balance between personal discomfort and societal acceptance, emphasizing the importance of empathy and non-judgmental attitudes in shared spaces.

• Unexpected Friendships:
  Big Will’s story exemplifies how even frightening experiences can lead to meaningful and unexpected friendships, reinforcing the idea that support can be found in the most unlikely places.

• Humor as a Coping Mechanism:
  Dax and Monica’s humorous exchanges provide a balanced perspective, using humor to navigate and process the often stressful and bizarre situations described by the callers.

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Final Thoughts

“Armchair Anonymous: Public Transit” offers a captivating exploration of the diverse and unpredictable experiences passengers encounter on public transportation systems. Through vivid storytelling and engaging dialogue, Dax Shepard and Monica Padman create an immersive narrative that not only entertains but also sheds light on the shared human experiences within the often chaotic world of public transit.

Whether it’s a near-miss with a pickpocket in Madrid, a late-night subway ordeal in Boston, a dangerous chase on Chicago’s L during a major festival, or witnessing unusual behaviors on a Tucson bus, each story contributes to a broader understanding of the complexities and unexpected moments that define public transportation. This episode serves as a testament to the resilience, humor, and camaraderie that emerge even in the most challenging commuting scenarios.

For more engaging stories and in-depth conversations, follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery App or your preferred podcast platform.

Transcript

[Dax Shepard]

Wondry plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free right now. Join Wondri in the Wondry app or on Apple podcasts. Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard and I'm joined by Monica Padman.

[Monica Padman]

Hi.

[Dax Shepard]

Today is crazy public transit stories. And let me just glance about these. Yeah, well, I'll tell you, subways are hot spots for action.

[Monica Padman]

They sure are. There's a lot that goes down on those public transports.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah. I'll tell you, it made me want to use more public transportation.

[Monica Padman]

I could see that. Yeah, you gotta get on the bus.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm missing out on a lot of stories.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. One was like. Okay, I'll just. Yeah, forget it.

[Dax Shepard]

One was wild.

[Monica Padman]

Right?

[Dax Shepard]

One moment made you throw up.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, God. Oh, God. Yeah, there's a pretty. There's a hard to listen to one in here.

[Dax Shepard]

Don't listen, don't listen.

[Monica Padman]

All right, bye.

[Dax Shepard]

Enjoy. We are supported by Better help. We've had a lot of talk recently about therapy when we had other Monica on and how helpful it is in steering your way through so much of this quagmire. That is your own perception.

[Monica Padman]

I just got a friend of mine into therapy and they really, really are liking it already.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, good. Mental health awareness is growing, but there's still progress to be made. 26% of Americans who participated in a recent surve say they have avoided seeking mental health support due to fear of judgment. When people hesitate to get help, it doesn't just affect them, it impacts families, workplaces and entire communities. This mental health awareness month, let's encourage everyone to take care of their well being and break the stigma. The world is better when people are healthy and happy. BetterHelp has over 10 years of experience matching people with the right therapists. There are over 30,000 licensed therapists to choose from from diverse backgrounds with a wide range of specialties. They make it easy to find a therapist who fits your specific needs. We're all better with help. Visit betterhelp.comdax today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H E L p.comdax we are supported by Happy Egg.

[Monica Padman]

I love an egg that you can like. The yolk is so bright.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, I like a dark orange yolk. When you get that dark orange, you know it's high quality. This restaurant we go to all time for breakfast. Breakfast place. Yes, yes. So good.

[Jess]

I always think there's cheese in the.

[Dax Shepard]

Scrambled eggs, but it's just The Yes. Happy Egg Hens are raised outside and the hens are treated with care on small family owned farms. Happy Eggs Farming standards lead to the hens being, well, happy. Happy hens. Happy Eggs. If you're making eggs, do yourself a favor and buy the best. You're going to taste the difference. Crack open Happy with Happy Egg. You'll find them in the yellow carton. Visit happyagg.comdax to find a store near you. Oh, times come and go Good times take them slow My life, I had them both. One thing you gotta know Imma keep on shining.

[Monica Padman]

Hello.

[Caller]

Hi.

[Dax Shepard]

What fake name do you want?

[Caller]

I'm gonna go by Jesse. On behalf of my coworker who's also a huge armchair fan, I told her I would use her name as my fake name.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, great.

[Monica Padman]

Aw. Shout out. Jess, where are you?

[Caller]

I'm currently in Baltimore, Maryland, sitting in the lactation room of my office. It has a little fridge in here, a microwave and a couch.

[Dax Shepard]

Netflix. They ought to put Netflix in there.

[Caller]

They do want you to bring your laptop in and probably continue working, but I guess you could probably sneak in a little bit of watching time.

[Dax Shepard]

No one's going to enter the lactation room, that's for sure. That's a safe place.

[Monica Padman]

When I worked at the front desk at SoulCycle, sometimes there was an afternoon shift and there were breaks between the classes. And sometimes I would watch TV on the computer.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, yeah, that's fine.

[Monica Padman]

Is it fun?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, that's natural, right?

[Monica Padman]

I've never admitted that people watch TV at work.

[Dax Shepard]

I think.

[Caller]

I'm not going to rat out anybody I work with.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, so you have a public transit story.

[Caller]

Yes. So it actually takes place in Madrid.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, great.

[Caller]

This was when I was 16 years old. I was a junior in high school. It was around 2015. One of the things that my high school offered was a trip to the respective country in which you've been learning the language of. So they had Italy, France and Spain offered to the students that were taking those languages. For me. I had been taking Spanish since kindergarten. At the time I was really sharp with it. I wish I still was. But that was an awesome opportunity. And I was really lucky because it was an extra cost and my parents offered to pay to let me go on the trip. It was 40 Spanish students and then there was three chaperones. So there was two Spanish teachers that tagged along and then one PE teacher from one of the schools in the.

[Dax Shepard]

District who got a free trip to Spain.

[Caller]

Yeah, I guess. I think you'll learn later. Why he was important for the story. I was 16. I didn't really have any spending money of my own. And my parents had paid for me to go on the trip. So additionally they gave me some spending money. My mom set me up with my first ever debit card. She put like 150 US dollars on that. And then my mom also got out 150 Euro cash for me. But one of the things my mom really emphasized was that there's a lot of pickpockets in Europe. Just be careful, Be aware of your surroundings. Make sure you keep your money like in your front pocket somewhere close to your body. And I was like, yeah, yeah, whatever.

[Dax Shepard]

You don't know what you're talking about, mom.

[Caller]

We got to Madrid and then the first day we spent explor exploring the city center. They took us to the shopping district. We kind of all ran wild, you know, with my 350 total US dollars for a week long trip. That first day I bought a wallet from one of those Spanish leather shops. I thought it was really fancy. So I had immediately taken my money and my debit card out of my old wallet and put it in the new wallet. I stuck my new wallet in my bag and the bag I was carrying around was a bucket bag.

[Monica Padman]

It's very open.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, it's not secure.

[Caller]

The one I had was a tie closure. So it was like half open, half closed. So really just going against my parents advice.

[Dax Shepard]

He threw that advice right out the window. As soon as you got to Madrid, like, what's the gapiest bag I can carry?

[Caller]

Well, for fashion, I wanted to be a little stylish on this trip. Some additional context. I wasn't really the most popular kid in high school. Obviously I had friends. But for some reason, when we got to this trip, the group of students kind of split up into two. It was like all the upper echelon popular kids in one group and then the rest of us in the bottom half.

[Dax Shepard]

The groundlings.

[Caller]

Yeah. So you can imagine which half I fell into. But I still had friends there. But essentially like half of the kids on the trip just didn't talk to us the entire time.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh boy.

[Caller]

We were done shopping for the day and the teachers wanted us to head back to the hotel. So a big part of our Spanish education is we learn a lot about the metro and the different types of modes of transportation native Spanish people take for their commute day to day. And they were like, oh, why don't we go use the metro to get back to our hotel? So we all head down to the tunnel. We loaded onto the train, and it was pretty packed. It was Spanish locals, and then my entire high school class that was there.

[Monica Padman]

Looking so obviously like tourists.

[Caller]

Screaming tourists. Just a bunch of kids not knowing where they're going. They're a standing room only. All of a sudden, I just feel something's off. I slowly just slide my hand down into my bag to see if my wallet's there. And my bag is empty.

[Big Will]

Oh.

[Caller]

I turn to my friend next to me and I whisper. I'm like, I think somebody just pickpocketed me. And so we turn around and there's this suspicious looking guy behind me looking up and then looking back down. And I think he realizes that we're on to him. So we turn back around, and then all of a sudden, my wallet just kind of like appears on the ground.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, that's good.

[Monica Padman]

Remorse.

[Caller]

I snatch it back up. I open my wallet, and the money is gone. My debit card's still there, but the cash is completely gone. I was like, this is the only money I have. I need to get it back. And I know guy just took it. I turn to my Spanish teacher, who's sitting on one of the chairs, and I say, hey, I think this guy just pickpocketed me.

[Dax Shepard]

Is he making his way out of the train car or. He's still in there.

[Caller]

We're still en route, and you can't.

[Dax Shepard]

Go into another train car. Could you walk in between them like on a subway?

[Caller]

No, it's really crowded, so you would have to very obviously push through.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, okay, okay.

[Caller]

I tell my Spanish teacher. And almost immediately, she just snaps into action. And she's yelling at him in Spanish. She's saying something like, it's a young girl. We're on vacation. Please give her back her money. And he's responding to her in a language that I don't recognize. I later found out that he's speaking in Portuguese, which I guess it's very common for Portuguese people to come into the tourist centers of Spain and rob people. So she's yelling at him. It's causing a scene. And then all of a sudden, the train comes to a stop. And then the doors come open, and he immediately tries to split. And then the PE teacher runs out after him, pins him up against the platform wall.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, yay, gym teacher.

[Caller]

We all pile off the train very quickly, and all of a sudden everybody starts to gather around. And I guess as the guy was leaving the train, he had handed off the money to his accomplice, which was a woman. She got dragged off the train, too. And then all of a sudden, you just hear the Spanish police running down the platform.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, they were on it.

[Caller]

There's like a sea of people, but it's split down the middle. The guy is pinned up against the wall by the PE teacher. I'm standing there with my Spanish teacher, the Spanish police, and the woman who has my money. The Spanish police are yelling at her, I guess, telling her to give it back. And then all of a sudden, you just see her take her hand and shove it down her pants.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, down the front.

[Monica Padman]

She felt frisky.

[Dax Shepard]

No, I think she's trying to hide the money in her vagina.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, she put it up her vagina.

[Dax Shepard]

She just thought, okay, I'm going to put it here. No one's going to search me here. I doubt it made it into her vagina. That would take a minute. Sorry, Jess.

[Caller]

So we're all watching this. The police, me and all of the students. And she is groaning and making weird noises while doing it, too.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, so maybe it is a kid. I told you, there's a lot on the plate of the teachers. They got a bunch of teenagers.

[Monica Padman]

I know.

[Dax Shepard]

This woman's manhandling her vagina with a fistful of stolen money. What a thing that.

[Monica Padman]

And as we now know, teachers are just humans, too.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, they were probably 28.

[Caller]

Mind you, this is day one of a seven day trip. Eventually, everybody's watching in awe. Gasps kind of like coming from the audience as she's trying to, I guess, store this money for later. And then eventually the Spanish police, they get her in handcuffs and then they get the guy in handcuffs and they kind of roll them away. I'm standing there and then all my friends rush up to me. They're like, oh, my God, are you okay? That was crazy. Also, some of them just laughing because the ridiculous story. All of a sudden, one of the girls from that upper group I was talking about runs over to me and she, like, links arms with mine. She's like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry that you had to go through that.

[Monica Padman]

Oh. She wanted to be a part of it.

[Caller]

She did not leave my side for the rest of the night. And later that night, I pegged my Spanish teacher. So I was like, please don't make me call my mom, because this is just gonna prove her right.

[Matthew]

Yeah.

[Caller]

And they're like, no, you have to. They make me come to their hotel room at night. They give me their cell phone. Mind you, that girl is still with me. And then she's calling her friends from the hotel room, like, oh, my God, I can't believe this happened to us.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

She's a heat seeker.

[Caller]

My mom was like, I'm not sending you any more money. You should have listened to me. Which I should have.

[Monica Padman]

Celestial.

[Dax Shepard]

Did they ever retrieve the money from her vagina and return it to you?

[Caller]

They did not, and I don't think I wanted it at that point.

[Monica Padman]

She knew that when she stuck it.

[Dax Shepard]

Up there, that money still spends. I would want it back. Wow. So that was it. And then normally, if you were home, you'd probably have to go into court and testify against them, but you're leaving the country, so you never heard anything about it again?

[Caller]

No. They dragged them away, and we didn't hear about it again.

[Dax Shepard]

Was your PE Teacher feeling wonderful after that?

[Caller]

I guess it makes sense why they would tack him on as one of the chaperones to the trip, just in case an altercation like this went down.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, a safety measure.

[Dax Shepard]

He earned his keep. He did earn that free trip. Shout out.

[Big Will]

Wow.

[Monica Padman]

Well, I'm sad you didn't get your money back, but that is a good story.

[Dax Shepard]

That's worth $150.

[Caller]

Before we wrap up, I just want to say thank you for doing your podcast. I've been a listener since this podcast started, so this is such a cool opportunity. When you guys started the Armchair Anonymous series, I was like, damn it. Nothing interesting happens to me. I'm never going to be able to submit to this. And then I heard the first travel or vacation story prompt that you guys did, and somebody had a similar situation where they got robbed, and I was like, I have a story. And ever since then, I've been waiting for a prompt.

[Monica Padman]

You manifested it?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, I did.

[Caller]

I've learned so much from the guests that you've brought on. The amount of books that I've read as a result of all the experts that you've brought on. I'm an engineer, so my job is very technical, so whenever I listen to your guys's podcast, it's a good kind of brain break to explore more gray area stuff.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, thank you. We're so delighted you're a part of it all.

[Caller]

Thank you guys so much.

[Monica Padman]

All right, have a great day. Watch some Netflix in there. Take a break.

[Caller]

Yeah, I'm gonna wait about 30 minutes before I get back out there.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. All right, great meeting you. Take care.

[Caller]

Bye, guys.

[Dax Shepard]

We are supported by Addie Flavanserin, the Little Pink Pill. Ask your doctor if the FDA approved Little Pink Pill ADDI is right for you. See full prescribing information, medication guide and boxed warning regarding severe low BL blood pressure and fainting in certain settings at a d d y I.com PI or call 844-PINK PILL we are supported by Squarespace and boy do we have a gorgeous website. I implore everyone to check out. We made it on Squarespace and when I say we I mean Rob. He did a beautiful job and it was very easy for him to do so. No matter what kind of website you want to build, Squarespace is the perfect partner to get it launched quickly and easily and their design templates are going to make your site look incredible too. If you're trying to do some good this year, you can use Squarespace to set up a fundraising site. Let's say you wanted to raise money for first responders or families impacted by the recent fires here in la. You can fundraise directly on your Squarespace website and grow your impact with built in donation tools. Create a professional on brand site that makes it easy to accept one time or recurring contributions and engage supporters. With built in email campaigns and marketing tools you can connect with your community and inspire more people to support your cause. They're making it easier for you to make a difference. Another reason Squarespace is a company we're proud to be partnered with. Check out squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code DAX to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com and promo code DAX to get started Today we are supported by Anytime Fitness. We're all about striving to be the best version of yourself, both mentally and physically. Moving your body is a great way to build strength in both areas. If I lose anything in my routine, the very last thing I would lose is my physical fitness routine.

[Monica Padman]

And you know I'm now lifting heavy weights.

[Dax Shepard]

You've even got some heavy dumbbells.

[Monica Padman]

I've got some heavy because I have to get my bone density. Yes, Tip top. Because perimenopause ladies.

[Dax Shepard]

That's right. You the the more fit, the stronger you can be, the better the rest of your life's going to be.

[Monica Padman]

That's right.

[Dax Shepard]

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[Matthew]

Test, test.

[Dax Shepard]

We hear you, but we can't see you.

[Matthew]

Hold tight. Here we go.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, here we go.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, look at this broom.

[Dax Shepard]

Got a drum kit behind us. What do we got?

[Matthew]

Little man cave? Yeah, it's the drum studio. Stick monkey studio down here in the basement.

[Dax Shepard]

What kind of kid are you playing?

[Matthew]

Tama.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, nice. I'm gonna say that your short is of a VW thing.

[Matthew]

That is correct.

[Dax Shepard]

Are you so impressed?

[Matthew]

Monica, do you know what a thing is?

[Monica Padman]

No.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, okay, show her the whole shirt now. But I got that from the windshield.

[Matthew]

So the story about this thing is a year ago, I was at a classic car show. There was a charity raffle. I bought a $20 raffle ticket and I won a 1973 VW thing.

[Dax Shepard]

No way. Was it in gorgeous condish?

[Matthew]

No, there's a reason why people donate cars to charity. For the last eight months, I've been restoring it. First was mechanical safet because it ran, but it didn't stop. And then there was an enormous amount of rust that had just invaded the whole car. So I just finished that restoration. So we've been enjoying that over the last two weeks. And then I kind of have a bigger plan.

[Dax Shepard]

Can I guess what the plan is?

[Matthew]

Go ahead.

[Dax Shepard]

WRX motor.

[Matthew]

Nope. I'm going to try to pull a Downey Jr. I'm going to drop the engine and pull the gas tank and convert it to an ev.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Another great option. Yeah, that's a cool option. Okay, so you have a public transit story. She knows once we get on cars, we could never come back.

[Matthew]

I'm into that. But we're here for the show, so let's get the public transitory. So I live in Boston. Boston has a subway system which is actually the oldest subway system in the nation. Part of that system is kind of like a trolley more than a subway. So when you go down, there's no lower ground. You literally enter at ground level. 1992. I had just graduated from Northeastern University. I was valet parking cars because I didn't have a job yet from my major.

[Dax Shepard]

That's a job I always wanted and never had. Did you love it?

[Matthew]

It's a lot of fun being a car enthusiast. You got to drive a lot of people's really expensive whips without owning them. And then tips. It was a good gig. I got off of a really long shift. I lived in an area of Boston called Alston, which is, you know, maybe five miles up the road. You would typically take the T the subway home after the end of the shift. So the place I was valeting was right across from the Boston Common. So I went to the Arlington T. I go down the stairs and I'm waiting and I'm waiting and I'm waiting and I realize that I probably missed the last tea of the night.

[Dax Shepard]

Right?

[Matthew]

Bummer. Now I gotta blow part of the tips that I just made on getting the cab home. So I go to walk upstairs and the staff has locked the place up tight.

[Monica Padman]

Oh my God, you're in jail now. They didn't check.

[Matthew]

I am locked in the subway station under the city. Remember I said it was 1992. We didn't have cell phones, right?

[Dax Shepard]

Or flashlights in your pocket.

[Matthew]

And I'm a 22 year old guy, so I'm still not really fully formed. I'm not even thinking to look for an emergency phone or even a pay phone. I just think to myself, well, I've been riding the T for five years, I know where I am. And if I look up the subway tracks, three blocks up is Copley Square. I could probably walk up the subway tracks and get to the next stop.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, so I'm co signing on this plan, but are you not thinking you'll surface from that station and the gates will also be locked there?

[Matthew]

Again, reiterating that. I'm 22 and you know, the stations themselves are illuminated, but the space between the stations are really not that well lit. But I start on my way and I am immediately welcomed by the city's rats. There's just a lot of those guys just hopping and all over the place for some reason. I got the Chris Reeve Superman movie from the 80s in my head where the guy is hiding in the hidey hole, Lex Luthor pushes the button and it pushes him out. So he gets killed by the train.

[Dax Shepard]

Yep.

[Matthew]

And so I'm like, okay, are they moving trains? Maybe after hours. Am I gonna make this? Fortunately, I make it to Copley Square without dying or getting eaten by a rat. Oh, and to your point earlier though, Dax, of course it's locked. It's after hours. The whole place is locked.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah, the whole subway system.

[Matthew]

Now I've got a real dilemma because now I know where I. And there's not a point that it surfaces as the trolley on the street for half a mile, mile maybe. One way to the left is known as the E Line, which is where I had gone to school at Northeastern. I know that way, but that's not where I live now. That's the wrong way. And then straight ahead would be through the Hines Convention center to Kenmore Square. And then the trolley surface up there. I'm like, that's where I live. That's where I want to go. I'm gonna hoof it.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Yeah. What other choice do you have? You're not gonna sleep on the ground.

[Monica Padman]

I think that is what you do.

[Matthew]

Most people, I think, probably would have slept. I start up the next leg, and this leg would be much longer, and there's still plenty of rats to keep me company. And about maybe three, four blocks up, I miraculously come upon an emergency exit.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh.

[Matthew]

It'S a door. I open the door, and there's kind of a stairwell that looks like it's going to nothing. So I start to climb the stairwell, and as I near the top, I see a little bit of light. And it turns out that I am walking up a staircase to a street grate in the sidewalk. There's an emergency handle there. I pop the handle, I flip this grate up. And as I'm emerging now, it's like, you know, 1:15 in the morning. All the bars are letting out. It's summertime. Everyone's having the time of the. And they're looking at me like, what in the world? There's a subterranean Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle dweller coming up. But fortunately, I'm out and I'm free.

[Dax Shepard]

And you're lucky no one fell in.

[Matthew]

I don't even remember if I closed it. Who knows? You know, I was just so happy to be out of that situation. I look at my watch, and it's 1:20 last calls at 1:30. Right across the street is a place called the Cactus Club, Referencing a lot of stuff from Boston. Over in Harvard Square, there used to be a place called Hong Kong, and they would do this thing called a Scorpion bowl, which is basically a mixing bowl of rum. Cactus Club had its equivalent of that. They had the Cactus Bowl. And this is for, like, three to five people, right? You normally have that with your friends. I walked in, I ordered one of those, and I sucked the whole thing down.

[Dax Shepard]

That's gonna help?

[Matthew]

Well, it's gonna take the edge off, right?

[Dax Shepard]

This is one of the most Boston stories ever told.

[Matthew]

Boston's got a lot of referencing points. You know, you got to know where you are. So now, totally inebriated, but at least a lot less stressed, I walk out, I grab that cab.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Because now you don't give a fuck about spending money.

[Matthew]

Not at all. Yeah, I'm alive, I'm drunk. I get home, my now wife, then girlfriend, obviously sound asleep. I'm like, hey, wait till you hear this story.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, that's great.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

I would have been having those. Those same Superman flashbacks. I can see it very well. And anytime I think of being in a subway tunnel, I think of Lex Luthor. Monica, did those ring a bell? Did you ever see those ones? The early Superman?

[Monica Padman]

No, I didn't.

[Dax Shepard]

Gene Hackman was Lex Luthor, and he had this incredible lair under the city. It was gorgeous. He had, like, a supervillain cave attached to the subways.

[Matthew]

There's one footnote to the story. Years later. I'm in sales now. I'm now working for this company, and I have an opportunity to sell the service to the mbta, the T. I get a meeting at their headquarters. I'm in the big conference room with all the maps, and the guys come in and I'm like, listen, before we talk about what we're here to talk about, I gotta tell you guys a story.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, right.

[Matthew]

And so I tell this tale. I can't tell if they were totally aghast or they were like, ah, that's par for the course. But needless to say, I got some good cred going into the meeting. We didn't end up closing the deal, but it doesn't really matter. What's the point of telling the story?

[Dax Shepard]

Well, you're so honest because you could have easily said you closed the deal. He just demonstrates some integrity. Yeah. Well, Matthew, this has been a damn joy.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, how fun.

[Matthew]

My wife is a huge armchair. I guess this was a prompt a number of years ago, and she knew the story and she missed it. And so when the prompt came up again, she's like, we gotta get you in this time. She wrote it. She didn't really write it all that well. I had to obviously rewrite it.

[Dax Shepard]

Sure.

[Matthew]

With all that color. But she would love to say hi.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, please, please get her in here, Jen.

[Matthew]

Here we go.

[Dax Shepard]

And if you want to do a drum solo, I'm also up for watching that.

[Monica Padman]

Hi there, Jen.

[Dax Shepard]

Nice to meet you.

[Big Will]

Nice to meet you both.

[Katie]

I have to say, you're the soundtrack of my life.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, good.

[Monica Padman]

So nice.

[Dax Shepard]

That's flattering.

[Big Will]

I used to always cut out articles in, like, the Times or the Globe that would pertain to, like, a friend or family member.

[Katie]

And now I just send different episodes to people.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, I love that. Send away yeah, it's like a multi level marketing system. We need you.

[Matthew]

I got driving user listeners.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, it's delightful to meet you guys. You're so fun, both of you.

[Matthew]

Thank you so much. We really appreciate what you guys do and we love it.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, thank you, brother. Take care.

[Monica Padman]

Bye.

[Big Will]

Hello.

[Dax Shepard]

Hello. Oh, you have the ro. We both have the robot on.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God, how cute. I didn't get the memo.

[Dax Shepard]

The Monica. You're in your closet.

[Monica Padman]

Yes. You sound great.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm trying to make some conclusions based on your wardrobe. I do think you live somewhere that's cold.

[Big Will]

Yes, yes. I'm in Chicago.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Can we presume this story is about the L?

[Big Will]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, good job, Monica.

[Monica Padman]

Thank you. I know about the L because Matt Damon goes on it in Ocean's Eleven.

[Dax Shepard]

And do you know why it's called the L?

[Monica Padman]

Because Matt Damon goes on it in ocean.

[Dax Shepard]

That's right. And his name starts with an L. Yeah, it stands for elevated train. Right?

[Big Will]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

You're not impressed? I'm looking right at your face. Oh, you weren't even listening. You already bailed out.

[Monica Padman]

I was thinking about Matt. You know, once I say his name, I do have a minute or two.

[Dax Shepard]

You go through like his greatest hits in your head.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Who's your number one celebrity crush?

[Big Will]

I don't get as obsessive about the crushes. I get obsessive about fans. I'm a big Taylor Swift fan.

[Caller]

Oh, yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Monica.

[Big Will]

So I feel like I get more into that. But I am watching the pit and Dr. Robbie is big crush right now.

[Monica Padman]

He's doing it for you just the hottest. Oh my God. As hot as a gas yet.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, let's get to your elevated train story that Monica was not impressed with.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, I'm impressed.

[Big Will]

This takes place two summers ago. It's Lollapalooza weekend. Do you guys know what Lollapalooa is?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Monica Padman]

Music.

[Big Will]

Big music festival.

[Dax Shepard]

I know the original one, Julia.

[Big Will]

Oh, really?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, back in the 90s.

[Big Will]

I've never gone to Lala. It overwhelms me. It's very crowded. But normally I would not take the L home at night. I tend to transit there. Uber home to be safe. But I feel like most of the around being on transit at night is when it's an empty train car. And since it was LALA weekend, all the trains are packed super late. We went to an after show and it was like one in the morning and there was still a ton of people. So my girlfriends and I were like, this is fine. We don't have to ride that far. There's a ton of people. Nothing will happen. So my girlfriends have to get off two stops before me. I'm the last one to get off. Probably like the stop right before they have to get off. This man boards and he is holding like a cup of brown liquor. He's got the glassy eyes. He immediately grabs this open bag of flaming hot Doritos that's on the L and just starts like shoving it into his face. He's got the red all over his mouth. And then he locks in on us.

[Monica Padman]

Uh oh, wait, and when you say us, how many?

[Big Will]

It's me and three other girlfriends, but they're all getting off at the next stop.

[Monica Padman]

Oh my God.

[Big Will]

Everyone's a little like, oh, do we want to leave Julia alone? We don't really want to. We're all texting each other and I was like, I have two more stops to go. It'll be fine. We went to the concert with another friend. He's sober at home downtown. He doesn't live north like us. So I was like, I will call Sam. And he has his wits about him and if something happens, he'll be aware of it. It'll be fine.

[Jess]

Lamont Jones's world is shattered when his cousin dies in custody just weeks after entering prison. The official report says natural causes, but bruises and missing teeth tell a different story. From Wondery comes Death County, Pa. A chilling true story of corruption and cover ups that begins as one man's search for answers, but soon reveals a disturbing Lamont's cousin's death is just one of many, and powerful forces are working to keep the truth buried. With never before heard interviews and shocking revelations, Death County, Pennsylvania pulls back the curtain on one of America's darkest institutional secrets. This isn't just another true crime story. It's happening right now. Follow Death County PA on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Death County PA early and ad free right now by Joining Wondery at 24, I.

[H]

Lost my narrative, or rather it was stolen from me. And the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics. I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours. Something you possess is lost or spiritual stolen, and ultimately you triumph in finding it again. So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting with folks both recognizable and unrecognizable names about the way that people have navigated roads to triumph. My hope is that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming and feel like they filled their tank up, they connected with the people that I'm talking to, and leave with maybe some nuggets that help them feel. Feel a little more hopeful. Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Reclaiming early and ad free right now by joining Wondery plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts.

[Big Will]

So I give him a call, they get off, and now the guy moves to sit directly across from me.

[Monica Padman]

No.

[Dax Shepard]

How old is this guy?

[Big Will]

I would say maybe late 30s.

[Monica Padman]

Hard to tell.

[Dax Shepard]

Probably. Okay, late 30s. All right, so not like a 60 year old.

[Big Will]

I call Sam, my friend who's at home, and I'm like, hey, he's feeding me. Like, I don't know if you see like those Tiktoks people on social media, what to say if you're in an Uber and you think you're being kidnapped and it's like, yes, I'll meet you at the stop. Trying to, like, make it sound like somebody's gonna be there when I get off. He's like, it's probably fine. I doubt anything will happen. You only have two stops. And we get to my stop, the Belmont stop, and I get up and he gets up with me.

[Dax Shepard]

Uh oh.

[Big Will]

And so I'm saying to Sam, he's getting off with me, and he was like, don't panic. It could just be his stop. Just try to get out of there as fast as you can. So I, like, fly down those steps to that train station, turn the corner, just power walking down the street. And for a second, I think he's not with me. And so I was like, okay, I think it's fine. And then I look over my shoulder and he rounds the bend and is just staring at me still. And he's picked up his pace.

[Monica Padman]

No.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God. You're being chased now.

[Big Will]

Yes. I'm so glad I was on the phone with Sam, because I don't know if my brain would have done the smart thing in that situation. I live four blocks from the train station, so my gut was like, can I just outrace him home? But Sam was like, cheezies is right there. It's like a late night, drunk food, grilled cheese place. And he's like, they have a bouncer go in there and ask them for help.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, good job.

[Big Will]

I duck into Cheezies and the bouncer is like this big guy. And I'm like, don't let that man in. Behind me. He's following me from the train. And so he stops the guy, and the guy's, like, arguing with him. And then eventually the guy starts walking away. So the bouncer comes in and he's like, are you good? You can sit here as long as you need. Is someone gonna come pick you up? I was like, I live three blocks from Cheesy's. It's fine. I'm still on the phone with Sam. I will wait 20 minutes. I'm sure it'll all pass.

[Dax Shepard]

Did you have a grilled cheese while you waited?

[Big Will]

No, but I've had many grilled cheeses since.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, okay, okay.

[Big Will]

I'm sitting there talking to Sam, and I look up and Cheezies has a glass, huge window storefront. And the man did not, in fact, leave. He walked to the end of the front window and has plastered his face and hands against the glass and is still staring at me. I'm sitting at, like, a table right by the door. So I tap the bouncer and I'm like, hey, he's still there. So he goes back out there, chases him away again. I reset my 20 minute clock. I'm like, it's still fine. I'm not gonna get picked up. Sam lives like a 20 minute drive from me. I'm like, you do not need to come all the way up here to give me a ride home. Talking to the bouncers, just hanging out. Five minutes maybe go by. And this man's coming back. He's running down the block and he's yelling and pounding his fists on the door. Bouncer grabs another bouncer. They both go out. They've got, like, their batons out this time. And they're like, hey, get away from here. Get away from here. Pushing him off down the block. So now I'm pretty shaken up, but I'm still like, okay, there's no way he's coming back after he's been chased away with these batons.

[Dax Shepard]

And, Julia, I don't want to victim shame here, but no one's thinking to call the police at this point. Like, why don't we get the police involved?

[Big Will]

I'm in pure panic mode. Poor Sam probably was so confused about what was going on because he's just getting me being like, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. And the bouncers kept being like, don't worry, we've got it.

[Caller]

It's also very Chicago.

[Big Will]

Yeah, these things happen. It feels like a lot to call.

[Caller]

And that's a really crazy part of town.

[Big Will]

Yeah, people are doing things I'm starting to warm up the idea of getting a ride home. But what seals the deal to get a ride home is that he comes back another time and he has a crowbar and he was trying to smash the front window.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, jeezy fucking God. He's deranged.

[Big Will]

He was determined. I don't know where he found that. It's like 2am Now. The whole restaurant's like, what's going on? Everyone's seeing him at the window. It's packed. Cause it's Lollapalooza weekend. So the bouncers are like, get in the back. And so I'm in the back hiding. Cause we're like, maybe if I'm out of sight, I'm behind the bread in the back stock fig. Will and the other guy go out there. The bouncers, I don't see what they do, but they come back afterwards and they're like, okay, how are you doing? I'm so scared. I was like, my friend is on his way. He's coming to get me. And they were like, we're so sorry this happened. I was just thanking them profusely. And he's like, my name's Big Will. If you could write us a five star review on Google and mention our names. I was like, absolutely, I'll do it right now. And so I wrote this review like, the Cheesy's Bouncer saved my life and told the whole thing. But now I've lived so close to cheesies and my friends. And I was like telling everyone about the story. When it happened, I couldn't stop saying, the Cheesy's Bouncer saved my life. And it's become our spot. We go every time we go out. And Big Will's friends with us. We follow each other on Instagram. He always gives me a big hug. He's in the doorway when I'm walking to and from on Belmont. He'll be like, waving or like, be safe tonight. I sent in a picture. I think Rob should have it with Big Will and Rolando. We're buddies now. They got us these vig's wristbands.

[Monica Padman]

Vigilant. Oh, fun.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, yeah.

[Big Will]

And we get 10% off. And it's like our favorite place. They're both mean Muggin. That was New Year's Eve.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, you're happy as fuck. And they're mean mugging.

[Big Will]

They're sweeties.

[Dax Shepard]

So this is kind of a meet cute as well.

[Monica Padman]

I was about to say that.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, it's kind of a double whammy. Yeah, Like Tell us about an unlikely friendship that's emerged.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, that's a good prompt.

[Dax Shepard]

Rob, write that down. Rob, was that a wrap on the L for you? Are you like. Yeah, I'm not doing that.

[Big Will]

I still take it, but just not late at night. I tend to see, honestly, the crazy at like 9:30 in the morning, if I go into the office after rush hour. Purple Line has a lot going on at those times.

[Dax Shepard]

No kidding.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, wow.

[Dax Shepard]

Fuck. Maybe I wanna start riding that L. Thanks for sharing. Thank you for that story. It's delightful to meet you.

[Big Will]

Thank you guys. I'm so excited. I need to shout out my cousins, the Lackeys, and my friend Ian. They're my other armchairy people I get to talk to. They're the first people I told when I got selected.

[Monica Padman]

Lackeys. And Ian.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, this is great. All right, well, lovely meeting you.

[Big Will]

Thank you guys so much. Great to meet you.

[Dax Shepard]

Bye. That's your nightmare, that story?

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Caller]

The Chicago L was crazy. I used to take it to school every morning with something new.

[Dax Shepard]

It's a blessing that Detroit doesn't have mass transit. They have this thing called the People Mover, but no one would ever ride it. It goes like three blocks.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, there we go.

[Dax Shepard]

Bingo.

[Monica Padman]

Is that a bulldog on your sweatshirt?

[Katie]

I wore this just for you, Monica. I'm probably gonna have a heat stroke. I'm in Arizona and I'm wearing this.

[Monica Padman]

Look at you. That's a great sweatshirt. Did you go to uga?

[Katie]

I didn. I went to University of Tampa first. And my girl Kristin found this for me at a thrift store back in, like, 2003.

[Monica Padman]

It's a great sweatshirt.

[Dax Shepard]

I bet you could make $1,000 right now. I bet you would pay nearly anything for that.

[Monica Padman]

You could probably name your price right now.

[Katie]

Well, I can send it to you.

[Monica Padman]

No, I refuse to take from.

[Dax Shepard]

That's a cool sweatshirt, though. I would want it too.

[Caller]

Thanks.

[Dax Shepard]

Arizona would have been a top guess for me, given the blanket behind you. It's got very Arizona vibes.

[Katie]

I'm in a very warm wool fort right now.

[Dax Shepard]

Are you from Arizona?

[Katie]

No, I'm actually from Missouri. Went to Florida and then transferred to U of A. I'm near Sedona now.

[Dax Shepard]

We had one of our favorite trips there. Okay, so you have a public transit story. I can't imagine what state it took place in, given those options.

[Katie]

Took place in Tucson. We joke and say it's a sunny place for shady people. So it took place in 2006. I was going to the U of A And I just moved my first off campus housing, some student apartments, and there were ways away, so I was gonna have to commute every day. I had a car. But I apparently decided to be frugal all of a sudden. And I found out how much the parking pass was compared to my old school in Florida. I was just like, this is absurd. I refuse to give that much money to park miles away from where my class is going to be anyway. So I decided I'm going to take the city bus. I'm not above that. It'll be very humble experience.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Buddhist.

[Katie]

Yeah. It'd be very environmentally friendly. One less car on the road.

[Monica Padman]

Yep.

[Katie]

So overall I actually really enjoyed it. It was really quiet in the mornings and I could study and do things last minute with this one very balmy monsoon afternoon. I was taking the bus back from campus and I was like the last stop, it was like 110 degrees, probably like 115 at the bus stops. Super humid all of a sudden, so everything's super hot and sticky. I often saw interesting characters. We had lots of regulars on my route. One of my regular guys, we'll call him Peter Pete, he hopped on and he's an older guy and he looks like he's not able to let his 80s California boardwalk days go. He's very sun weathered, really orange brown skin. Looks like you could drag him down the street, he'd be totally fine. He had really long leached yellowy white blonde hair and it was balding on top, but long enough, he'd pull it in like a messy ponytail in the back. And he was a cool guy, like, didn't usually make a scene, but I guess this one afternoon he decided it was. It was a good day to pamper himself. So I'm sitting in the back so I can pretty much see everything that's going on. And he sits down towards the front of the bus. And you know there's a big old city bus, so the windows don't open. They have the AC unit kind of towards the front in this one, but they don't work. It's like spitting water and it's just kind of recirculating half ass cool air. So he sits down across from the AC unit, starts taking off his socks and shoes, and I'm like, okay. You know, it's hot out, maybe his shoes are. And then I see him, he reaches into his bag and then he pulls out what looks like a small cheese grater. He starts sawing away at his heel.

[Monica Padman]

Oh God, on a fucking bus.

[Katie]

Every time we would turn a corner, you could see the sun rays shining down perfect lines through his wafting cloud.

[Dax Shepard]

The heel particles that are entering the atmosphere.

[Monica Padman]

Dead skin cells everywhere.

[Katie]

There's a pretty big cloud, too. First of all, I instantly cover my face. I don't want to embarrass the guy. Like, maybe he's. He doesn't have a home or has a home. He can do this. Maybe this is his time. I cover my mouth and I'm taking like the tiniest little sips of air possible. So I just pictured them going in the mouth and nose. Let me remind you, it's like 115 degrees and everyone's sweaty and it's summer, so everyone's wearing tank tops and shorts. And all I could think about was just his dead, but skin just sticking to everyone around him.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, this is a torture chamber.

[Katie]

Thankfully, no one made a scene, but I'd say we were all wearing a little bit of Pete's Petty that day. I debated hopping off the bus as soon as possible, but it's super hot and in my luck I wouldn't find anyone. I'd have to, like, stand on the road in 120 degrees in pavement, calling someone to come pick me up. It wasn't reasonable, so I stayed on for the duration.

[Dax Shepard]

Did he do both heels or just one was bothering him?

[Katie]

Oh, no, he did both.

[Monica Padman]

He had to get the full spa treatment.

[Katie]

Yeah, he was silent away. I feel like nowadays people would probably say something. So I guess I'm grateful that people.

[Dax Shepard]

Were very polite, trying to think what I would do. Okay. Hey, bud, could you cheese grate your feet outside of the bus? I think maybe I'd have to ask if I saw it in the air like that. That would freak me the fuck out. Yeah, when things get atomized. People do that shit on airplanes. That's what's incredible. I follow an account on Instagram. I wish I could remember the name of it, but it's like passenger shaming or something like that. And it's people cutting their fucking toenails on a fly.

[Monica Padman]

That's where I thought it was going. This is worse.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, this is much worse than toenails. We should add that to our thing. Graded.

[Monica Padman]

Would you rather eat grated? Graded. Skin. Chunk of skin. Yeah, I'd rather eat grated.

[Dax Shepard]

I want to get on with a battery powered Dremel and just start grinding my toenail. I have to grind all the time because it does. There's powder everywhere.

[Monica Padman]

Disgusting.

[Katie]

I did end up buying a pass after all.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, you get what you pay for. Well, Katie, thank you. I'm sorry you were subjected to that.

[Monica Padman]

But you have a good heart for you now. Thanks for sharing that. And really great sweatshirt. Just want to reiterate that.

[Caller]

Thank you.

[Katie]

So I did wildland firefighting for like 10 years and I quit to have my babies. I'm at home now. I have a two and a half year old and a six month old.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God.

[Katie]

I haven't slept all week, so I'm extra frazzled. You guys have really helped me get through some hard moments of running with them in the stroller and the isolation has been hard for me.

[Caller]

So.

[Katie]

You guys are awesome.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, thank you, Katie.

[Katie]

And can I say happy birthday to my husband? It's today.

[Caller]

Oh, my gosh.

[Monica Padman]

Happy birthday.

[Dax Shepard]

What's his name?

[Katie]

Phil. I just booted him out with the kids. Like you have to go now.

[Dax Shepard]

Happy birthday. Get the fuck out of here.

[Katie]

Pretty much happy birthday to him. And thanks to Christy, my sister in law, for hooking me up. She told me about your podcast. And then my brother for being my tech support. My brother Bob, he helped me out today. Calmed me down a little bit.

[Monica Padman]

It all worked out.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Thanks for chatting with me.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, thanks, Katie. Great meeting you.

[Monica Padman]

Have a good day.

[Katie]

Yeah, you too. You.

[Dax Shepard]

What a cute sweatshirt. That's going to haunt you, isn't it? It's all you're thinking about.

[Monica Padman]

I want it. I can't have it. It's okay.

[Dax Shepard]

Life will continue.

[Monica Padman]

Buddhism.

[Dax Shepard]

You didn't even know about it.

[Monica Padman]

Speaking of, you know the armchair from last week's episode or a couple weeks ago. Also a sweater, Japanese sweater that I really wanted. I did get the website. There's no way I can have it price wise. No, you just can't really order it.

[Dax Shepard]

You got to be there.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

So now this is going to be a very expensive sweatshirt because you're going to have to go to goddamn Tokyo to get this thing.

[Caller]

We've got some Tokyo listeners. I'm sure that'll go for you.

[Monica Padman]

I don't want to put out any arm cherries, but I guess if you're.

[Dax Shepard]

In Japan, we should ask Eric retroactively. Do I know someone that's there right now? Everyone's there.

[Monica Padman]

People are going there.

[Dax Shepard]

I think the exchange rate is beneficial. Currently. Well, I've had some wild public transits. I had the guy ask if he could smoke, then he smoked crack. And then the guy that wanted to fight me when I rode my bike and brought it back and get action packed down there. All right, love you.

[Monica Padman]

Love you.

[Caller]

Do you want to sing a tune or something? We don't have a theme song.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of Armchairies, we'll get some suggestions. On the flyer, rhyme dish. On the flyer, rhyme dish.

[Big Will]

Enjoy.

[Dax Shepard]

Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondry app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short [e-mail] survey.