Dax Shepard (2:02)

Simple? Yes. Mine looks classic. You know, almost like I'm Steve McQueen or something.

Monica Padman (2:06)

That's what you want.

Dax Shepard (2:07)

Quint only partners with factories that meet rigorous standards for craftsmanship and ethical production. These pieces are built for daily wear, the kind of clothing that becomes part of your routine because it's reliable. Right now. Go to quint.comdax for free shipping and 365 day returns. That's a full year to build your wardrobe and love it. And you will. Now available in Canada too. Don't keep settling for clothes that don't last. Go to Q U I n c e.com for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com Dax,

Steven (2:56)

You gotta know I'm gonna keep on shining.

Listener from Bahrain (3:02)

Hello.

Dax Shepard (3:03)

Hello. Hi. Is this Mary?

Mary (3:05)

This is Mary.

Dax Shepard (3:06)

What are all these fun posters behind you?

Mary (3:07)

Ari Shafir signed our poster. We love to go to comedy shows, me and my boyfriend, and then out of the park. I'm from Cleveland, so it's a Cleveland Indians little kid catching a ball. And we just got back from Vegas in December. So there's our cash out voucher. There's like nothing on it. And then that's from a brewery in Montana that says Maverick Mary. And I insisted I had it cause it was my name.

Monica Padman (3:29)

These are all very personal.

Mary (3:31)

These ones aren't. That's Joe Dirt, just a favorite movie.

Dax Shepard (3:33)

And are you currently in Cleveland or where are you at now?

Mary (3:36)

I am in Cleveland, born and raised. Great.

Dax Shepard (3:38)

And you have a spring break story.

Mary (3:40)

A disaster of a story.

Courtney (3:42)

Yes.

Dax Shepard (3:42)

Yay. The worse, the better.

Mary (3:44)

It was 2017, my senior year of college. It was my birthday weekend, actually. I was turning 22, and a bunch of girls and guys from my sorority and a fraternity that we were close with decided to go to Fort Lauderdale. So our first big trip. My parents weren't really thrilled, but we did it. So the first two days went really, really well. You know, just drinking, drinking, pool, beach, typical spring break. But that third day, I was really hungover. So I decided I was like, oh, I don't think I'm gonna drink today.

Monica Padman (4:11)

It always starts off that way.

Mary (4:13)

But I actually did stay sober. So we're at the beach, and one thing about me is I cannot pee in the ocean. Like, I'm just super pee shy.

Dax Shepard (4:22)

Can you articulate your fear? Is it that something's gonna go back up your urethra after you open it or it'll attract an animal?

Mary (4:29)

I don't think something's gonna go up there. I think it's just the pressure of I have to, like, really focus.

Monica Padman (4:34)

There are people around.

Dax Shepard (4:35)

You' stable enough. Too much motion.

Mary (4:37)

Yeah, too much motion. I need to be just right. So I was like, okay, I'm gonna head back to the hotel to go pee by myself. The sand is extremely hot. So I just grab any shoes I could find, and they were like my friend's size 12 crocs. I go back to the hotel, I go pee, called my mom, check in, like, hey, everything's going great. And then I was heading back down to go back to the beach. And the road that I had across to get back to the beach was A1A. So I don't know if you guys are familiar, but One of those main drags. So it was four lanes of traffic, two coming each way.

Dax Shepard (5:12)

Oh, boy.

Mary (5:12)

So there was multiple people standing with me in the crosswalk. And I looked to the left cause that was the direction that the cars were coming. And the vehicle in the lane closest to me had stopped. So I thought I had the all clear. And then I started to walk and then all of a sudden everything went black.

Steven (5:27)

No.

Mary (5:31)

Yes. So I'm not sure how many minutes passed by, but when my eyes opened, I was laying on the asphalt in the middle of the. And people are yelling that I couldn't move my neck and then do not get up. The asphalt was burning me. It was so hot. It was a 90 degree day that someone from the hotel actually ran to get a towel to put underneath me. And mind you, all I was wearing was a little black one piece bathing suit with these men's size 12 crocs laying in the middle of a 1A.

Dax Shepard (5:56)

Yeah. The thing I'm most worried about is the asphalt burning yesterday.

Courtney (5:59)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dax Shepard (6:00)

I went from getting flattened like a pancake to now sizzling like a Sunnyside up a.

Mary (6:05)

It turned out that I was hit by a minivan that was in the further lane that did not stop for pedestrians in the crosswalk. And the van ended up being an Uber that was actually driving around other spring breakers.

Dax Shepard (6:15)

Oh, okay. Oh, wow.

Steven (6:17)

A lot of witnesses.

Mary (6:18)

So this caused so much commotion. You know, there's 30 of my closest friends on the beach that everyone's obviously being nosy, like, what the heck's going on? They knew I went to go pee, but didn't think they're going to see me laying in the middle of the road. So my college roommate Hannah ended up seeing that it was me and she came sprinting over again. I'm the only sober one, so that sobered her up really, really quick. As I'm getting on the stretcher, going into the ambulance, she's like yelling at the paramedics, please let me in. They're like, ma', am, you're in a bikini. You cannot come in here like that. So she literally grabbed anyone's clothes. I don't even know what she was wearing. I think she was wearing a Hawaiian shirt and some random shoes. None of it belonged to her.

Monica Padman (6:55)

Since when do hospitals not allow you to come in unless you're, like, dressed properly?

Dax Shepard (7:00)

That happened to me in that rollover accident. They don't want the liability of a second person on board. Like, they just don't want to take any passengers. They're not a Uber service. Not insured to carry passengers. You know, I mean, I think they should. I'm just saying what I know to be the case.

Mary (7:15)

So I think that they realized how scared and stressed I was. So once she had clothes, they allowed her in. And I didn't even have my phone with me. Everyone's phones kept getting stolen on that spring break, so I left my phone in the room. So I'm just in the road with no phone, no nothing. So obviously she comes to the rescue and she comes in the ambulance with me. And the paramedics couldn't disclose what had happened to me. They just kept saying, like, you need to stay calm. Like, we're taking. Taking you to Broward County Trauma Center. So at this point, I was like, questioning, did I get hit by a car or did I somehow randomly faint into the middle of traffic? Like, I was really confused.

Dax Shepard (7:45)

And you're in such shock you're not feeling any pain?

Mary (7:47)

No pain. I was just really scared. And then immediately stabilize your neck. So I'm just laying in the stretcher. Like, am I gonna be able to walk again? This is horrifying. So I get to the hospital. I ended up having a concussion, a cracked head, bruises on all parts of my body, and 12 staples in the back of my head.

Dax Shepard (8:03)

Oh, so you were bleeding in the back?

Mary (8:05)

It's kind of a gross photo, but I shared it with Rob.

Dax Shepard (8:07)

Oh, great. We love gross photos.

Mary (8:09)

Yeah, I hate reliving it, but it's a pretty bloody head.

Dax Shepard (8:13)

Take a look.

Monica Padman (8:14)

That's the wrong one.

Dax Shepard (8:15)

I don't know. I think Rob's being cute.

Monica Padman (8:17)

That's for a different one or maybe.

Dax Shepard (8:19)

Okay. Oh, sorry. There's like a medical errors, personal injuries attorney.

Mary (8:24)

Oh, no, that's part of my story.

Dax Shepard (8:26)

Oh, we'll get there.

Monica Padman (8:29)

Oh, no, we got spoiled.

Dax Shepard (8:30)

Okay, okay, hold on now. Staples city.

Mary (8:33)

Staples. And then my elbows are all, like, banged up, so I just wasn't in the best of shape. Ooh.

Dax Shepard (8:40)

Yeah, the top of that head, I'm going to say that's a good 4 inch gash on the top of your head.

Mary (8:45)

And it's scarred, not that you can really see. I have a lot of hair. But the story is nine years old, which is insane. The back of my head is still super sensitive.

Dax Shepard (8:53)

Okay, so you wake up there, you

Mary (8:55)

have a concussion, staples still just in this bathing suit. And I'm like, I really got to go pee again. Of course. They're like, ma', am, you can't stand up. You're just in this little Bathing suit. I'm like, all right, well, then give me some pants or something. And they give me the big blue hospital outfit.

Steven (9:08)

Scrub.

Monica Padman (9:09)

Most conservative hospital in America. You can't stand up in that bathing suit, ma'.

Dax Shepard (9:14)

Am.

Mary (9:14)

What's going to happen to me? So they ended up doing the mri, the CAT scan, all those things. Calling my parents. And you can imagine how that went.

Dax Shepard (9:24)

You had to be the first person admitted to that hospital during spring break in history that had a blood alcohol level of zero.

Mary (9:31)

The doctor kept telling my mom on the phone, like, ma', am, her blood alcohol count is zero. Cause everyone's like, oh, she got hit by a car. Cause she's drunk. And I'm like, no, I'm not drunk. It just was a freak accident.

Monica Padman (9:40)

Well, you know that this is, like, bad to say. It's kind of better to be drunk.

Dax Shepard (9:45)

Oh, sure.

Monica Padman (9:45)

If you get hit, because then your body, you're looser.

Dax Shepard (9:48)

Gooser.

Monica Padman (9:48)

Yeah, you're goosey.

Dax Shepard (9:49)

Yeah, you're all goosed up.

Mary (9:51)

I don't know how I didn't have broken bones. They're like, it's really insane that something much worse didn't happen to me. So after they ran everything, the MRIs, the CAT scans, a million more tests. Got discharged that same day. They sent me home with some medicine, and obviously, I just went back to the hotel and went to bed. But I was, like, cleared to be a sober individual. Obviously, I was not drinking.

Dax Shepard (10:12)

Did the pain set in at some point?

Mary (10:14)

Yeah. So that picture I shared was, I got back to the hotel, and all my roommates in the hotel, as well as in college, they were nursing students. So, like, they really are intrigued by this head of mine. But I think, like, then when I got back, it's like, all the emotions hit, and I was like, oh, my God, this is insane. I was like, do I go home? Do I finish out? Spring break. It was still my birthday weekend.

Dax Shepard (10:33)

You got a rally. I'm gonna say, you got a rally.

Mary (10:35)

So I did.

Dax Shepard (10:36)

Good job.

Mary (10:36)

So I stayed, had sober fun. We went out the next night to a bar down the street from our hotel. And when we're there, I kept looking over, and this person, this guy kept looking at me and staring at me. And I'm like, I have no idea who this person is. And I'm like, he's not part of our group. It was just really strange. And he came up to me, and he, like, put his hands like this to my face, and he was like, oh, my God, I can't believe you're alive. I thought you had died. And it turns out he was in the front seat of the Uber that hit me. And then they obviously kept on driving.

Dax Shepard (11:07)

Oh, they kept driving after they hit you. Wow. With all those witnesses.

Mary (11:11)

Oh, my God.

Dax Shepard (11:12)

Wow.

Mary (11:13)

I don't really remember how the rest of the story went, but he wanted to follow me on Instagram. So we kept in touch for a little bit post college, but nothing ever came of it. Once I got back to Ohio, I had some time to like, take everything in, and I realized that Florida is a no fault state, so that Uber driver never had to pay for anything. But I did have to file a lawsuit so insurance would cover my medical expenses for that day, which ended up being pretty expensive in that ambulance ride. And then the reason that silly picture that you thought you were getting trolled with. Tim Misney. He's like the most famous lawyer in Cleveland and he's known for his eyebrow.

Dax Shepard (11:45)

So if you look at me, go back.

Mary (11:47)

It's just the eyebrow. There's billboards throughout Cleveland of just the eyebrow.

Dax Shepard (11:50)

He raises the eyebrow like the Rock does for the list.

Mary (11:53)

The eyebrow is his thing. The billboard says nothing else. Just the eyebrow.

Dax Shepard (11:56)

He doesn't just marry, raise one eyebrow. He also lowers the other one substantially.

Mary (12:01)

It's insane. I couldn't even do it if I tried. But his slogan is we'll make them pay, and he did just that.

Dax Shepard (12:08)

Oh, wow. You got ahold of Misney and he delivered.

Monica Padman (12:10)

He delivered.

Mary (12:11)

He wanted it.

Courtney (12:12)

Wow.

Dax Shepard (12:13)

I understand that it's a no fault state, but that doesn't mean you can run away from the scene of an accident. Was the guy charged with anything? The driver?

Mary (12:21)

Nothing that I ever found out.

Monica Padman (12:22)

That's insane. That's literally a hit and run.

Dax Shepard (12:24)

That is quite literally a hit and then a run.

Monica Padman (12:27)

It was both a hit and a run.

Dax Shepard (12:28)

There's nothing obscure about it.

Monica Padman (12:29)

And I'm surprised the people in the Uber weren't like, hey, man.

Dax Shepard (12:32)

Well, they were maybe drunk and partying. They wanted to get to their thing and they're like, go, go, go. You didn't hit anything. I'm glad you didn't die, because it sounds to me like you stepped in front of the car that had stopped and then continued walking. And that car was probably going full pace.

Mary (12:47)

And of course it was like in the crosswalk. Wasn't jaywalking or anything. Actually following the rules.

Dax Shepard (12:53)

Oh, Lord, Mary. Well, I'm glad you're alive.

Mary (12:56)

Well, thank you.

Dax Shepard (12:56)

It's a big silver lining to this story.

Monica Padman (12:58)

Who paid then? Who did Misney make Pay with the no fault state.

Mary (13:03)

You basically sue your own insurance for the medical expenses.

Dax Shepard (13:06)

Okay. Overall, though, there's still a fun spring break.

Mary (13:10)

Yeah. I mean, I'll never forget it as

Dax Shepard (13:11)

long as I live.

Mary (13:12)

True.

Dax Shepard (13:13)

Well, it's lovely meeting you, Mary.

Mary (13:15)

Really quick. This is so crazy, but my three friends skipped work. I'm gonna take my headphones out. They're your biggest fans. Have seen you guys live here. They all come.

Dax Shepard (13:24)

Oh, my goodness, ladies, look at this group.

Mary (13:30)

You guys, so much, thank you for what you do. They bring us so much joy.

Dax Shepard (13:34)

Look how fun and cute this group is. I want to be in that living room. This looks.

Monica Padman (13:42)

Hope you guys have a great day.

Dax Shepard (13:44)

Yeah.

Mary (13:44)

Thank you guys so much.

Dax Shepard (13:47)

Bye. Hello, Is this Katie?

Katie (13:50)

This is Katie.

Courtney (13:51)

Can you hear me okay?

Dax Shepard (13:52)

Oh, beautifully. Because you're in this sound dampened closet following the rules.

Katie (13:56)

I'm a rule follower sometimes. We just moved into this house. So very exciting. But I had to get all my crap put away so I could be in the closet with some soft clothes, kind of.

Dax Shepard (14:05)

You're welcome. I think anytime you get a hack to actually motivate yourself to clean is good.

Monica Padman (14:10)

Exactly.

Katie (14:10)

100%. So I owe you guys and I appreciate it.

Dax Shepard (14:14)

Where is the new house?

Katie (14:15)

It's in Spanish Fork, Utah. Have you heard of it?

Dax Shepard (14:18)

No, but where is it at?

Katie (14:19)

If you're in Salt Lake, you go south towards the national parks. You'll have gone through Spanish Fork.

Dax Shepard (14:24)

Okay. Is it off the 15?

Katie (14:26)

Sure is.

Dax Shepard (14:26)

Then I've driven through for sure. Okay, well, congrats on that.

Katie (14:29)

Thank you so much.

Dax Shepard (14:30)

Are you a Utah native?

Katie (14:32)

I grew up in California, like Sacramento area.

Monica Padman (14:34)

Oh, nice.

Dax Shepard (14:35)

Okay. And what brought you to Utah? A lover?

Katie (14:38)

Actually, no. But I did meet my husband here and that's why I stayed. And then I'm also a teacher. Do you guys still like teachers?

Monica Padman (14:44)

Oh, my God, the most.

Dax Shepard (14:45)

They're tied with nurses, our favorite occupation.

Katie (14:48)

I have never had a student stick something up his butt though, yet.

Monica Padman (14:52)

Cross your fingers, you know.

Katie (14:53)

Yeah, something to look forward to or dread.

Dax Shepard (14:57)

And so what year would spring break have been for you?

Katie (15:00)

I was already a teacher. It was in 2015. And 2015 feels like it was a few years ago, but it was a crisp 11 years ago. That's kind of upsetting.

Monica Padman (15:10)

You're really right.

Dax Shepard (15:11)

Big time upsetting. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Monica Padman (15:13)

Everyone's upset.

Dax Shepard (15:14)

It was always that 1980 felt like 20 years ago, but 2006 was 20 years ago. That's a beat down there.

Katie (15:21)

That info, it's like a little bit offensive, I feel.

Courtney (15:24)

Yeah.

Dax Shepard (15:24)

Yeah, it's hostile.

Monica Padman (15:25)

Yeah.

Katie (15:28)

Okay. 2015, I'm going on a cruise. It's me and three guys. Oh, I know. Very spicy. It was really fun. I was, of course, interested in one of them who since then has come out as gay. So I wasn't his type. And that's okay.

Monica Padman (15:44)

It's almost better that way when you find out, like, oh, they didn't like me just because I don't like women.

Katie (15:49)

Also, it's not my fault.

Dax Shepard (15:50)

Yeah, they're often the attractive one in the group.

Katie (15:52)

Yeah.

Monica Padman (15:53)

Because they're fun.

Katie (15:53)

They take care of themselves, you know, super cute. But anyways, I'm on this cruise.

Dax Shepard (15:57)

Where did it depart and where are the stops?

Katie (15:59)

It departed out of Texas and the stops were Jamaica, Bahamas, and one more that I'm forgetting, but a Caribbean cruise and on the boat. Have you guys been on a cruise?

Monica Padman (16:10)

Oh, dozens, but I know enough.

Dax Shepard (16:13)

No, you have never been on one.

Katie (16:14)

No, they're delightful. But there's days that you have, like, excursions, and then there's days where you're just on the boat. And so for those boat days, they have pools. People are constantly eating ice cream cones.

Monica Padman (16:24)

Right.

Katie (16:25)

You just go and get more soft serve. And they have water slides. So we're going down on these water slides and we're chatting. All the boys go before me, and I'm the last one to go. And it's one of those water slides where it's almost like this big cylinder. It's very spaceshipy. And you step into the cylinder and you're standing there and then it counts down the bottom drops out from under you and you fall. To help you understand what this slide looks like, I would picture, like a capital uppercase V. It's very steep decline, very steep incline. So you go down and you shoot back up.

Dax Shepard (16:57)

Oh, wow.

Monica Padman (16:57)

How do you shoot that up?

Dax Shepard (16:58)

Well, your momentum's gonna carry you up through the transition. Think about the second hill of a roller coaster. You're on the top one that's steeper. It goes down, and then it shoots up another hill.

Monica Padman (17:07)

So when it's just your body not in a tube, that's tricky.

Katie (17:10)

I agree with you. And the slide is the closed tube slide, but not to be confused with a floaty. And it's sort of like a turquoise color. And these all come into play. So that's why I'm giving you these random details. So I go down the sharp decline, and then I go and. Monica, it's just what you're saying. I do not make it over that second hill. And so I'm falling backward and it's a closed, dark slide. It's scary at the bottom of the V. So I'm just sitting there like, well, what do I do now? And so for just a minute, I panicked and I just punched the edges of the slide.

Dax Shepard (17:44)

For the listener, that was the cutest barrage of punches she threw is like, imagine a rabbit trying to punch out of a sandwich bag.

Katie (17:50)

I was like, well, that did not work, unfortunately. And I also remembered we'd been standing in line and chatting with the guy behind us. The guy behind us was like, six, five.

Monica Padman (17:59)

Oh, fuck a big dude.

Katie (18:01)

And I'm like, they're gonna not see me. It's too twisty. They don't know if I came out the other end. They're just counting and they're gonna send the next person.

Dax Shepard (18:18)

Thank you to our presenting sponsor, HP for supporting this episode. Their HP Smart ink printer is the last printer you'll ever need. Oh, here we go. Monica with a refillable ink tank and up to three years of ink included. So you get thousands of pages of cartridge free printing. Hallelujah. To learn more, search for HP Smart Tank. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace, the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. From websites and online stores to marketing tools and analytics, Squarespace gives you everything you need to build and grow your presence in one place. When we first got the Armchair Expert website up and running, Wabi Wob used Squarespace, and honestly, it made sense right away. It looked polished, it was easy to navigate, and it didn't feel like we had to become web designers just to make something good. What I like about Squarespace is that it gives you a lot of flexibility without making things complicated. You can start with one of their beautiful templates and customize it so it actually feels like you, whether you're building a portfolio, a business, or just finally making the thing you've been meaning to make. And once it's live, Squarespace also has built in analytics, which is great because you can actually see what people are engaging with instead of just guessing. So head to squarespace.comdax for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use Code DAX to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. We are supported by Helix, so a little while back, Helix sent Monica and me mattresses. Neither of us really knew what to expect, but I have to say, it's been a few months now and I genuinely notice a difference. What I'm noticing is I run so much cooler on it.

Monica Padman (20:07)

I agree. And just the sleep quality is nice. Like when you wake up, you feel like you really are refreshed.

Dax Shepard (20:13)

Yes, because otherwise I wake up so sweaty. I'm taking blankets off and then I get cold and then I'm putting them back on. It's a nightmare.

Monica Padman (20:18)

And then you're getting no sleep.

Dax Shepard (20:20)

Here's the thing about Helix. They match you to a mattress based on how you sleep. Side sleeper, back sleeper. You run hot, whatever it is, there's a mattress for you. Shipping is free and they have 120 night sleep trial so you can actually live with it before you commit. It's funny, spring is when everyone starts refreshing their space and your mattress is probably the last thing you think to upgrade, but it's also the thing you spend the most time on. So do yourself a favor and go to helixsleep.comarmchair for 20% off. Off site wide. That's H E L I X sleep.com armchair for 20% off. Make sure you enter our show name at checkout so they know we sent you helixsleep.com armchair this episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Money Stress is something almost everyone deals with at some point. And I think what's interesting is how rarely people talk about the emotional side of it. It's not just about the numbers. It can affect your sleep, your relationships, how you feel about yourself. There's a lot of shame wrapped up. Financial stress that doesn't really get acknowledged. That's where therapy can be useful. Not to give you financial advice, but to help you work through the anxiety and the weight that comes with it. Unpacking your relationship with money, building better coping strategies, feeling less alone in it. That's real, meaningful work. BetterHelp makes it easier to get started. They match you with a fully licensed therapist based on your needs. Over 30,000 therapists, more than 6 million people served and a 4.9 out of 5 rating from over 1.7 million reviews. If your first match isn't right, you can switch anytime. When life feels overwhelming, therapy can help. Sign up and get 10% off@betterhelp.com Dax that's betterhelp.com Dax. I'm more thinking about the water. Must be able to exit the bottom of the V so it doesn't collect and fill up the tube.

Katie (22:25)

You're so smart. I wasn't thinking any of that. I was just like, how am I gonna get out of here? But then I was sitting there and I saw a light in front of me. And I kind of scooted forward and. Exactly. There was a little hole kind of cut into the slide at the top. I don't know if it's for the water collecting or because people were getting stuck.

Monica Padman (22:41)

Yeah.

Katie (22:41)

Who's to say? So I stood up in that hole. So I'm like, standing up, and there's just a water slide on both sides of me. And my legs are in there, and I'm kind of looking around now.

Dax Shepard (22:51)

You look like a gopher. You went from a rabbit punching to a gopher sticking his head out of his hole.

Katie (22:56)

What am I supposed to do? I'm just standing here like a loser. And there's a family just eating ice cream cones. Because, Monica, when you go on a cruise, you'll know. You just eat ice cream cones all day. You go back in, you get another ice cream cone.

Dax Shepard (23:08)

Illegal not to. They make you disembark if you don't.

Katie (23:10)

So they're just eating their ice cream cones, just staring at me. There's music playing. It's loud, and I just kind of shouted at them. I got stunned. They can't hear me. It was aggressive.

Monica Padman (23:25)

No, you had to.

Dax Shepard (23:26)

Katie's like a female. Female version of Jess. I just want to earmark.

Katie (23:30)

Yeah, I'll take it. They can't hear. They're eating their ice cream, and they kind of just hurry away, which is rude.

Dax Shepard (23:35)

They didn't want to get involved. They're like, this is your problem. You wanted to go on the water slide. We knew it was too dangerous, so deal with it. Yes.

Monica Padman (23:42)

So horrible.

Katie (23:43)

This seems like a you problem, babe.

Dax Shepard (23:45)

You're yucking our yum.

Monica Padman (23:46)

Okay, how big is the hole? Is just fitting your neck or can your whole body?

Dax Shepard (23:49)

No, her waist is out.

Katie (23:50)

I'm probably standing up and the slide hitting, like, my knee area. Oh, my gosh. Just my head. Can you imagine? Just a head sticking out. That's even funnier. I should retell it that way.

Dax Shepard (24:01)

And then somehow you were rotating 360.

Katie (24:04)

I just keep shouting it at everyone. I pass as I go. So they kind of hustle away. And then a worker did come. A cruise ship worker came over. And I couldn't see, but on the side of the slide, there was some hidden stairs and there was a gate to it. So he unlocked a gate and he came up the stairs, and he helped me out. And he, somewhat annoyed with me, said, you need to relax more. That's why you got stuck, like, kind of aggressively.

Monica Padman (24:26)

Life less than blame.

Katie (24:27)

I'm like, have you seen that capital V slide? Is anyone Relaxing on that. And so I'm like, okay. And so he kind of helps me out. And as I'm turning the corner, I did think, like, well, at least all my friends went first. And nobody saw that. And so I turned the corner, and they're all bent over laughing because the slide was dark for me. But for them, they could see the shadow of my body, like, go down, go up. Not quite make it go back down, punch the slide, stand up, yell at the family, and then be admonished by the worker.

Dax Shepard (25:00)

I hate to make this comparison, but I'm immediately remembering the Million Drano commercials where they show, like, a bisection of the pipe, and then they show you the claw. Go up and then back, and then they show it get flushed.

Katie (25:10)

It's 100%.

Mary (25:11)

Wait.

Monica Padman (25:12)

I'm actually very relieved that. That they did the slide in a way where you can see on the outside what's happening. Cause I'm like, this is so irresponsible.

Katie (25:21)

Yes. So I turned, and they're all just laughing so hard at me. And then the cherry on top. The arm. Cherry on top is. After I'd stood up in the slide, my boob was up the whole time. One boob.

Mary (25:33)

Wow. Great.

Dax Shepard (25:34)

For them, not for you.

Katie (25:36)

Awesome.

Monica Padman (25:38)

No wonder they ran away.

Katie (25:39)

Yes. They hurried their children away. It was pornographic.

Monica Padman (25:42)

I feel like.

Katie (25:43)

Like, the mom of that family could have been like, oh, honey. And, like, gesture. It was a male worker that helped me out, so maybe he felt more weird saying something.

Mary (25:51)

I get it.

Katie (25:51)

But I'm like. I feel like someone could have told me. I talked to at least eight people before someone let me know.

Monica Padman (25:56)

Exactly.

Katie (25:57)

It was actually a delightful spring break, so I don't know if it classifies as a disaster, but slide was scary.

Dax Shepard (26:03)

Did you get frisky with any of the three guys?

Katie (26:06)

Two of them came out later as gay. The third one. No. We just were friends. It would have been really fun, but. But I wasn't anyone's type, I guess

Monica Padman (26:12)

those gay guys may be hooked up.

Dax Shepard (26:15)

I hope. Caribbean cruise. Somebody's gotta get some action.

Monica Padman (26:18)

Maybe the other one didn't hook up with you because they were like, I saw her boob. And then I'd be taking advantage.

Dax Shepard (26:24)

Oh, you thought he had some ethics.

Monica Padman (26:26)

Ethical.

Katie (26:26)

That's exactly. It had to have been that although my boobs are massive. So, like, he probably would have been like, yes. No, I'm sure.

Dax Shepard (26:32)

Exactly. So I went the other way. It's like, if you saw a big mass of breasts, you'd be like, we're gonna Touch that.

Monica Padman (26:38)

Listen, my point is, he wanted to, but he was like, ugh, that's unethical.

Katie (26:42)

He's like, I'll be a good dude always. Til we're back in the States and shoot my shot there.

Monica Padman (26:46)

I just want to commiserate with you that. That happened to me on the Lazy River.

Dax Shepard (26:50)

San Marcos River. Real river.

Monica Padman (26:52)

Yeah, real river. Where I fell out and almost drowned. And then when I survived, my boob was out.

Katie (26:58)

And you're like, I've been through enough.

Monica Padman (26:59)

Exactly.

Katie (27:00)

And didn't anyone try to touch it as mentioned?

Monica Padman (27:02)

No, I was far away. But. Well, first I said I hated that.

Dax Shepard (27:06)

Yelling at me immediately, I hated that.

Monica Padman (27:08)

No, it was kind of like the slide thing.

Katie (27:10)

I'm stuck.

Monica Padman (27:10)

And then I look over and Molly told me, immediately, that's why you bring

Katie (27:13)

at least one girlfriend on a cruise.

Monica Padman (27:14)

I think that's such a fun story.

Dax Shepard (27:16)

It really is.

Katie (27:17)

Thank you. I was like, I wonder if this will count as a disaster. I'm just gonna submit it and see what happens.

Dax Shepard (27:22)

It's a trapping. It's a claustrophobia. It's a public nudity. It's an unauthorized evacuation of your breast from its holster.

Katie (27:31)

I would even say an unauthorized evacuation of me from the slide.

Mary (27:36)

You're right.

Dax Shepard (27:37)

I'm just gonna add one more silver L, which is. I keep waiting for you to say the big lug came down and snapped your leg. Cause think about the fact that when you were standing, what a vulnerable position you were in for knee trauma. Ah.

Katie (27:49)

Ah.

Dax Shepard (27:49)

And your boob would have still been out. Cause it was already out.

Monica Padman (27:53)

Yeah.

Dax Shepard (27:53)

So then it would have been broken knees. Maybe second boob out. Maybe bottoms off.

Monica Padman (27:58)

Oh, bottoms would have.

Katie (28:00)

Maybe the fabric would have readjusted back over the boob.

Dax Shepard (28:02)

The universe was like, too much, too much, too much.

Katie (28:04)

Guys, I've been a fan for a long time, so this was very thrilling for me. So thanks for letting me chat with ya. I loved it.

Dax Shepard (28:09)

It was. You have such a fun personality. Yeah, big time. And thanks for teaching, honestly.

Katie (28:15)

Thank you. It's a wonderful job. I have told them this story sans the nudity. So I'm like, are any of them gonna listen to this and be like, my teacher never told me that boob part, but we'll find out.

Monica Padman (28:24)

Well, then they'd be like, that's a good teacher. I have.

Dax Shepard (28:27)

And then they'll have to acknowledge your teacher as a human being. And they're entitled to be a full blown human being, even if they're a teacher.

Monica Padman (28:33)

You might see them on a cruise

Dax Shepard (28:35)

you might see more of them than you're expecting on the cruise. That would ruin a cruise, though. If you're a teacher. If you got there with three dudes, you're hoping to hook up with one. All of a sudden you see Mikey and his family, and every time you're having fun, you'd be like, fuck, is that little shit around? If I were you, I'd go around the whole classroom and find out what their plans were for spring break and then choose in opposition to them.

Monica Padman (28:55)

That's smart.

Katie (28:56)

Things that happen to me, we better do that.

Dax Shepard (28:58)

Okay, well, lovely meeting you. Yeah. Have a great rest of your day.

Katie (29:02)

We'll see ya. Thanks, you guys.

Dax Shepard (29:03)

Bye. Hello. Hi.

Monica Padman (29:08)

What kind of squishies back there? Is that a jelly cat?

Courtney (29:11)

This is a Squishmallow, I think.

Monica Padman (29:13)

Squishmallow.

Dax Shepard (29:14)

Yeah. We've got a couple foul.

Monica Padman (29:15)

Delta loves this.

Dax Shepard (29:17)

Do you have children's or is that yours?

Courtney (29:18)

I don't. That is mine. My little brother actually gave it to me. He passed away in October, which is very sad.

Monica Padman (29:24)

I'm so sorry.

Dax Shepard (29:25)

Where are you in the world?

Courtney (29:27)

So I'm actually in Bahrain.

Dax Shepard (29:29)

What a scary place to be currently.

Courtney (29:32)

No, it's definitely different right now. It's been craz.

Dax Shepard (29:36)

They've been shooting drones and missiles at Bahrain.

Courtney (29:38)

Yes, there was some bombs that just happened before this started. I probably won't hear them with this on, but they could be going on now. But it's been fine.

Dax Shepard (29:46)

And what are you doing in Bahrain? You're getting an early lead on the F1 race?

Courtney (29:51)

No, I've lived here for about four years now. I work at a university. I lecture there. And I really love it. Honestly. I came originally thinking it'd be maybe one or two years. I had like a fellowship with the embassy. And then after that, I just really loved it. I loved the community. People are so welcoming. And it became a second home for sure. So now it's very sad that this is happening.

Dax Shepard (30:15)

Yeah, It's a pretty sexy city, right? It's like kind of glitzy and glammy and there's water.

Courtney (30:20)

Oh, yeah, yeah. We're an island, so we've got lots of water. We've got beaches.

Monica Padman (30:24)

So are you guys kind of on house arrest? A little bit. Like everyone's staying in, I assume.

Courtney (30:29)

Yes. It feels a little bit like Covid. I live in a high rise, so I'm staying with family friends right now just because it's a little bit safer.

Dax Shepard (30:37)

And what subject do you teach?

Courtney (30:39)

I teach public speaking. I teach Debate. And I teach education for teachers.

Dax Shepard (30:45)

Do you ever refer to debate as a dance, like Adam Grant does?

Courtney (30:48)

I like that. I think it is like a dance.

Dax Shepard (30:49)

You first start by saying, like, yeah, do you want to dance?

Monica Padman (30:52)

Cause sometimes you don't want to.

Dax Shepard (30:53)

A lot of times people don't want to debate. It's not their thing.

Courtney (30:56)

That's true.

Dax Shepard (30:57)

Those people are not invited to my dinner party, but still, I respect it. Okay, so you have a crazy spring break story.

Courtney (31:03)

Yes, my story was in 2015, so I was a sophomore in college at this point. I'm from Florida originally, so I've lived in Florida up until the point that I moved to Bahrain.

Dax Shepard (31:13)

What part of Florida?

Courtney (31:14)

A city called Lakeland. You know, I kind of do.

Dax Shepard (31:17)

Is it lower middle of the state?

Courtney (31:19)

Yeah, pretty central, like between Tampa and Orlando. I lived there and then I went to University of Florida. So I was in Gainesville.

Monica Padman (31:25)

Oh, that's not great for me, but that's okay. I'll let it go.

Courtney (31:29)

It's a great place. But my story actually happens in Georgia.

Monica Padman (31:32)

Oh, shit.

Dax Shepard (31:33)

Oh, my God. Spring break in Georgia. That's mistake number one. Just kidding, Monica.

Courtney (31:37)

Honestly, it was. We decided that we were gonna drive to Georgia during spring break and start hiking the Appalachian Trail.

Dax Shepard (31:44)

Oh.

Courtney (31:45)

All of us are Floridians, so none of us had really camped that much before, especially on our own, maybe like with our parents when we were kids. But we rented camping equipment from our university. We rented a tent. Me and friend Michelle got some ground pads. And then we were with some siblings, Kat and Samuel, and they didn't bring the ground pads. We were kind of thinking it'd be similar weather to Florida in March. So we packed some T shirts, we filled our packs to the brim, and the night before, we considered, okay, maybe it'll be cold. So we went to Burlington Coat Factory, got a coat, and then we tried to find gloves. Couldn't find it anywhere. So we ended up getting mechanics gloves.

Dax Shepard (32:23)

So pretty well thought out trip 100%.

Monica Padman (32:26)

I hate to interrupt with this, but I did get lost in a Burlington Coat Factory.

Dax Shepard (32:30)

Remember this store?

Courtney (32:31)

That's easy.

Monica Padman (32:32)

Yeah, it's huge. And too many coats.

Dax Shepard (32:34)

I'm gonna add too. Not only the weather is gonna be new for you, but Florida for folks who have not been flattest state in the country. And you're gonna go to the Appalachian Trail.

Courtney (32:42)

Exactly. So we have all this equipment. We've packed tons of Clif bars, peanut butter. Our packs are full. And we drove from about 2am and we arrived. So at the Beginning of this semester, I actually had an emergency surgery right before the semester started because I had a kid, a kidney stone. Had the stent, had to go back to university very painfully, trying to get around classes. And I had just gotten this stent out. And now we get to the trailhead and the first thing that happens is I'm in a lot of pain when we get there. So I go to the bathroom and I start passing a kidney stone.

Mary (33:19)

Oh.

Dax Shepard (33:20)

Which I've been told is the worst thing ever. Can you explain the experience? Does it feel like a can opener is passing through or something? It's just like jagged.

Courtney (33:29)

Yeah. And it came out. I saw it. It looks like a jag, ragged rock. Just super painful. Felt large, too. I had had the surgery, like where they blast it. When I first started having the pain, it does feel what I would imagine, like contractions. Feel like where you're in a lot of pain and then it stops and you're in a lot of pain and then it stops.

Monica Padman (33:45)

I also had a in college kidney stone. And it is that. It is horrible. But I wasn't on the trail.

Courtney (33:51)

Yeah, well, I started the trail like that. So we started really strong. But I eventually come out. I tell them I was like, listen, I just passed a kidney stone. I'm in pain, but I kind of feel better now.

Mary (34:00)

Ready to go.

Dax Shepard (34:02)

I'm so sorry I keep interrupting you. Is there blood?

Courtney (34:04)

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's jagged.

Monica Padman (34:06)

Yeah. You should be on painkillers.

Courtney (34:08)

Oh, yeah. But we just keep hiking and I have old tennis shoes on. We're genuinely thinking it's going to be maybe a little bit colder than Florida. But we start seeing snow in the distance. We're like, that's pretty cool. But then eventually it's pretty clear. The whole path is deep, deep snow. And we got like our giant backpacks on and tennis shoes. So we start walking and it's so slippery that every five to ten minutes, somebody slips. And then because our backpacks are so huge, you get stuck on the ground.

Monica Padman (34:39)

Oh, my God.

Courtney (34:40)

You're like a cockroach.

Dax Shepard (34:41)

And no one's suggesting turn back?

Courtney (34:43)

No, no, not at this point. The funny thing was this part of year is a pretty common time, I think, for people to start the through hike all the way to Maine. So people that were starting the whole hike, their backpacks were way smaller than ours even. And multiple people came and said, you guys are doing the whole hike? Like they're in back. Like, no, maybe just a week, five days. So as we keep hiking, Michelle ends Up, falling, and she twists her ankle so she can no longer carry her pack that well. But we still keep going. So me and Samuel take turns carrying one pack on the front, one on the back.

Dax Shepard (35:15)

Oh, fuck.

Courtney (35:16)

We are trying to make it to the first campsite is our goal, because we're doing, like, the approach trail, everything is pretty slanted and steep, so there's no good place to set up camp. We keep asking people that we're passing, coming back, and they keep saying, you know, maybe like a mile, mile and a half. But we keep walking, and it's starting to get dark, so we kind of realize we're not gonna make it.

Monica Padman (35:36)

Why?

Mary (35:36)

Why?

Courtney (35:37)

We set up under some trees. So we finally take everything off, we set up our tent. We put everything up because it seems like a good clearing. There's a lot of really old trees nearby. So after everything's set up, Samuel looks up and there's also a storm that's coming in. So the wind is blowing more, and he's like, guys, I really don't think that we should camp here because I think one of the branches could fall off on top of the tent and we could be squished.

Dax Shepard (36:11)

We are supported by hp. My mental to do list is already full. Fix something around the house. Refill prescriptions, Remember to text someone back. Keep track of a million little life things. The last thing I want on that list is, oh, don't forget printer ink.

Monica Padman (36:27)

No, it's horrible.

Dax Shepard (36:28)

It's the bane of everyone's existence. What if you could just take that off your list for years?

Monica Padman (36:33)

The dream.

Dax Shepard (36:34)

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Monica Padman (37:26)

Well, I wouldn't really call it an obsession. It's more of a lifestyle choice.

Dax Shepard (37:30)

Okay, but here's the thing. There are like a thousand underwear brands out there. What makes skims the one you actually

Monica Padman (37:37)

recommend to people because they fixed all the problems. I didn't even realize I was tolerating. Like, I used to think it was normal for bras to be just kind of uncomfortable. You just kind of get used to feeling not good or underwear to just not really fit. Right? And then I tried skims and realized, oh my gosh, it does not have to be this way.

Dax Shepard (37:56)

So what's this new everyday cotton thing?

Monica Padman (37:58)

Okay. It's their newest collection and honestly I just love it because it's so comfortable and breathable and it's not moving around your body. It fits properly and you want that in your underwear.

Dax Shepard (38:12)

That's actually a really good pitch, which

Monica Padman (38:14)

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Dax Shepard (38:27)

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Courtney (39:16)

So we pack everything up again, but it is getting really dark. So we keep walking along. We don't keep going towards the campsite, but we walk perpendicular and there's a ledge and we just start following it to see what happens. Eventually we hit a cabin and Samuel and Kat knock on the door and go inside. They go into a kitchen and they talk to a chef and they're like, hey, who stays here? Is there any chance we could stay here? They're like, no, absolutely not. You can't stay on the property at all. Like you need to get out of here. But a woman followed them out, and she kind of whispers to them, and she goes, listen, Me and my boyfriend, we had found this clearing. So if you just walk back the way that you came, you'll see our footsteps in the snow.

Monica Padman (39:52)

This sounds like a fairy tale, like a Hansel and Gretel, a fable.

Dax Shepard (39:56)

Is this woman real or not?

Monica Padman (39:57)

Yeah.

Dax Shepard (39:58)

Is she a ghost?

Monica Padman (39:59)

And then the other lady was a witch.

Courtney (40:01)

It could have been.

Dax Shepard (40:01)

Was it the cook there in the 1700s? And he's dead, too.

Monica Padman (40:04)

He was cooking a person in his pot.

Dax Shepard (40:06)

That's just stirring a person. Okay.

Courtney (40:09)

We go back, we start looking, and we're almost to a point where we're gonna give up. Cause it's getting very dark at this point. But then we actually do see what we think. Our footsteps, steps going up the side of the ledge, and we're like, okay, solid. Let's go.

Dax Shepard (40:22)

You guys are so off the trail now. It's like you branched off on one trail, and now you're going to follow another one.

Courtney (40:27)

Now at this point, had we just kept going, we probably would have hit the spot. But we see it, so we go. We climb up at this point, it's so dark, though, so we can't really tell our surroundings. And we go ahead, we set up our camp. There seems to be a little clearing at the top of this hill. But we're kind of in a hurry because we're just tired. We want to be done. We do string our bags up into the trees for bears. We just have peanut butter with our clif bars, and then we get in the tent. So Samuel had originally wanted to steep in the hammock, but it was way too cold at this point. Like, the wind is blowing. It's freezing outside. We're in deep snow. So that was not an option. So all four of us are inside the tent, but it's probably built for two people, and two of them didn't have ground pads. So we go to sleep, me and Michelle. But Samuel and Kat, all night are up huddled against each other because they're bas, basically directly on the snow. So at this point, I do remember waking up in the middle of the night and seeing them huddled together. And I do think about it. In retrospect, we probably could have adjusted and shared the pads, but we did not. So they're freezing. I wake up in the morning, and there's just, like, water falling in our tent. And the tent's also kind of caved in. So part of it's touching My face when I wake up at this point, I find out that Kat has been wearing pantyhose for warmth under her pants.

Dax Shepard (41:46)

Okay.

Courtney (41:47)

And she's so cold that I have to cut her out of them because pantyhose don't give any warmth.

Listener from Bahrain (41:52)

Yeah.

Monica Padman (41:53)

That's, like, a really not smart thing.

Dax Shepard (41:55)

I didn't know that I could have

Monica Padman (41:56)

accidentally worn pantyhose now, you know, like, they're really super thin, but it feels

Dax Shepard (42:02)

like it would insulate you. Like.

Monica Padman (42:03)

No, they're there to just make your legs look smooth.

Dax Shepard (42:06)

Okay.

Courtney (42:06)

In our haste the night before, we did not put the spokes into the tent.

Dax Shepard (42:10)

The spikes. You didn't hammer in the sides, the spikes at all.

Courtney (42:13)

It looked flat. We do feel there's something hard at the bottom of the tent. After I've cut her out of her tights, we kind of peek out, and the tent had slid down the mountain in the middle of the night. And the only thing that was stopping it was this branch that was coming out of the ground.

Monica Padman (42:28)

Oh, you guys, I'm sorry. I feel bad because I should feel bad, but I'm like, why did you guys. You did.

Dax Shepard (42:37)

You're mad.

Monica Padman (42:37)

I'm a little mad at all.

Dax Shepard (42:39)

I know I'm not, because, of course, I could certainly be in this situation. I can see Aaron and I are tackling something with similar education.

Monica Padman (42:46)

Your body was trying to tell you with the kidney stone, don't go, oh, right.

Courtney (42:50)

He was trying to warm me. Sorry.

Dax Shepard (42:52)

Yeah. How far are we talking that it had slid? Would you guess how many feet?

Courtney (42:55)

Maybe between 20 and 30ft.

Dax Shepard (42:57)

Oh, my. You guys were on a ride.

Mary (42:59)

Yeah.

Courtney (43:00)

Yeah. We didn't feel it. I think it was a very slow decline. But then this tree was what saved us.

Dax Shepard (43:05)

I wish you would have woke up in the cabin in your tent. You stood all the way.

Courtney (43:10)

That would have been great. At this point, we decided it was not possible, especially for Samuel and Kat that didn't have the ground pads and couldn't sleep through the night. We decided, okay, we need to hike back and we need to drive home. We cannot make it this week. We went back, and we did end up going to the beach, which we probably should have started with. We went to the beach for the rest of the spring break, and it ended well.

Dax Shepard (43:31)

And no more kidney stones.

Courtney (43:32)

No more since then. That was the last one.

Dax Shepard (43:34)

And do they say what causes them?

Courtney (43:36)

They said to drink a lot of water. I remember after that. I think it can be from a number of things, but I think some of it can just Be genetic as well, but I've never had one again.

Monica Padman (43:45)

I think some people are prone, but

Dax Shepard (43:47)

not a lot of water. Sounds familiar.

Monica Padman (43:49)

Well, no, I don't know if that has anything to do with it, but they did say, like, don't drink too much tea. Oh, but I drink a lot of tea still.

Dax Shepard (43:57)

Okay.

Monica Padman (43:58)

Oh, wow.

Mary (43:59)

That's a fun.

Dax Shepard (44:00)

Courtney, I love your spirit. Some people might be disappointed in your story, and I. I love it. Sometimes those things work out.

Courtney (44:06)

I feel like that's how you learn. Most of my camping stories have been similar, but I'm learning.

Dax Shepard (44:10)

You know, all I took from this is I was like, oh, yeah, I should hike the Appalachian Trail.

Courtney (44:14)

I think you can take six months and you can do the whole thing.

Dax Shepard (44:16)

Whoa. Okay. Yeah, I'll be looking for things to do in my older age. Well, this has been a delight.

Courtney (44:22)

Can I give a quick shout out to my mom?

Dax Shepard (44:24)

Of course.

Courtney (44:25)

So. She's amazing. I know my situation right now. Obviously, it's tough being here with everything happening, but especially, you know, just after losing my brother in a car accident and me being here. I know this is 10 times harder for her. And she's also a huge, huge armcherry.

Dax Shepard (44:39)

She is. What's her name?

Courtney (44:41)

Shannon.

Dax Shepard (44:41)

Oh, Shannon, we're so happy to have you.

Courtney (44:44)

And then can my bunker mate, who's been going through the war with me, say hi?

Dax Shepard (44:48)

Yes, of course.

Monica Padman (44:50)

Hi.

Listener from Bahrain (44:51)

Hi, Dax. Hi, Monica. I'm an armchairi as well, and Courtney got me introduced to the podcast, and I wait for Fridays to listen to Armchair Anonymous. So it's really a pleasure to speak to both of you.

Dax Shepard (45:04)

And are you from Bahrain?

Listener from Bahrain (45:05)

I'm Indian, but born and raised here, but I did study in India in between as well.

Monica Padman (45:10)

Wow.

Dax Shepard (45:10)

And do you listen just because of Monica? You can be honest.

Mary (45:13)

No.

Listener from Bahrain (45:13)

Both of you.

Dax Shepard (45:14)

Okay. Okay. Thank God. Okay, I made it.

Listener from Bahrain (45:16)

I would like to add something, though, because I'm from South India, and recently Monica had mentioned a housewarming ritual where you boil the milk.

Katie (45:26)

Right.

Listener from Bahrain (45:26)

And it overflows. So I shifted my house recently as well and had to do the same thing. Cause my folks were pressuring me to boil the milk. I could relate.

Katie (45:35)

Wow.

Dax Shepard (45:36)

And do you know what a seahorse is? That track. You know, Monica thinks Indians don't know what seahorses are. You did look genuinely confused just now. Yeah, you nailed that one.

Monica Padman (45:45)

I did. You don't need to know what they are. They're basically made of dust.

Dax Shepard (45:48)

They are little tiny creatures that live in an aquarium. I mean, of course they live in Nature.

Listener from Bahrain (45:53)

I feel like I would know you would recognize it.

Monica Padman (45:56)

But you might not be able to on a cognitive test, immediately say the word because of your Indian heritage.

Listener from Bahrain (46:03)

It's okay. I'm with you, Monica.

Courtney (46:05)

Thank you.

Monica Padman (46:05)

We're gonna send a lot of good wishes your way, both of.

Katie (46:10)

Thank you.

Dax Shepard (46:10)

Well, we're delighted to have both of you listening in Bahrain. That's so cool.

Listener from Bahrain (46:14)

Such a pleasure speaking to both of you.

Steven (46:16)

All right.

Dax Shepard (46:16)

Bye, guys.

Mary (46:18)

Bye.

Dax Shepard (46:19)

I love them. I love them. I love them both.

Steven (46:22)

Wow.

Monica Padman (46:23)

I got validated by a couple things.

Dax Shepard (46:25)

You sure did. The boiling milk and the lack of.

Monica Padman (46:27)

Although we still didn't get reasons.

Dax Shepard (46:30)

I was thinking she was about to explain it to us, and she's just as confused as you are. And your parents. And her parents.

Courtney (46:35)

Parents.

Dax Shepard (46:37)

Hello. Oh, hello. What fake name would you like?

Steven (46:41)

Ooh, I have no preference.

Dax Shepard (46:42)

This is wild. I've never guessed this one, but I'm gonna go with Gerald. Oh, isn't that strong?

Monica Padman (46:47)

I was gonna say Steven.

Steven (46:48)

I feel good as a Steven.

Dax Shepard (46:49)

Are you in a bathroom?

Steven (46:50)

Sure am.

Dax Shepard (46:50)

Are you sneakily doing this while you're at work?

Steven (46:52)

Sure am.

Dax Shepard (46:53)

Oh, I love it. I love this spirit. Yes. Are you allowed to tell us, Stephen, what part of the country you're in?

Steven (46:59)

I'm in the Boston area.

Dax Shepard (47:01)

Okay.

Monica Padman (47:01)

Do you know Ben and Matt?

Steven (47:02)

I do not.

Dax Shepard (47:03)

Not.

Monica Padman (47:05)

Dax is so mad at me for something.

Dax Shepard (47:07)

No, I just. I knew it was coming. I was waiting for it.

Monica Padman (47:09)

We haven't had anyone from Boston in a while. Haven't been able to ask.

Dax Shepard (47:12)

It's been a while. Okay. So you have a crazy spring break story.

Steven (47:15)

I do. My story takes place back in 2017, my senior year of college. We were planning spring break. Everybody was going to Cancun. But I have a buddy who likes to zig when everybody zags, so he found a Groupon.

Dax Shepard (47:28)

Oh, okay. Great start.

Steven (47:30)

To go to Dominican Republic. And not Punta Cana, but Puerto Plata. A place I had never heard of before.

Dax Shepard (47:35)

I haven't either. I can tell you. I've been to Cancun, and you can't pick a better place to spring break. That was a good option.

Steven (47:41)

Yeah. Let's just say hindsight's 20 20. So we're like, oh, that's a really good deal. It was like 600 bucks. Just had to buy the flight. So let's go. All inclusive. So we got a group. We went. So we got there, and of course, you're driving through some pretty impoverished areas. Humbles you a little bit. And then you go to the resort and it's nice by the beach. We get in and there's guards with AK47. So that's the first real sign that you're not in Kansas anymore. And then everybody's like, yeah, you guys, everything you need is here. You don't really want to leave the resort. We're like, oh, okay, whatever. We settle in, we start drinking, right? Go to the beach, go to the pool.

Dax Shepard (48:16)

Is the booze free?

Steven (48:16)

The booze is free. It's all included.

Dax Shepard (48:19)

This is the deal of a lifetime.

Steven (48:21)

Yeah, it was fantastic. A lot of daiquiris. So we go to dinner, and we're feeling pretty good, and we're like, what are we going to do? So we go outside and we're sitting at the bar and we hear down the beach, like, parties. People are screaming, having a good time. So we're like, we should probably go down that way. Like, let's go check it out.

Dax Shepard (48:38)

And can I ask quickly, what are the other guests at the hotel like? Are they also young and on spring break? Are they old? What's the vibe at your hotel?

Steven (48:45)

Good question. So it's actually like a wide variety. So there's a couple of other people who are like, spring breaking, but there's a lot of families. And then people from, like, Germany were there. It was a weird smorgasbord of people. So, yeah, we're like, all right, let's go down the beach. Sounds like it's a great time. Let's do it. We walk down past the guards with the AK47s and we're going bar hopping. There's rooftop bars. It's great. And then people start slowly making their way back to the hotel. And eventually it's just me and my one other friend. And we're like, hey, let's get in there. Let's go talk to some ladies. It's spring break. Let's go.

Dax Shepard (49:20)

That's right. And what time of night is it now, do you suppose?

Steven (49:23)

Probably like 1am so we start dancing, showing off the moves, and all of a sudden a couple girls start coming up to us. And we're dancing, right? We're having a good time and buy them some drinks.

Dax Shepard (49:31)

Do they appear to be locals or fellow spring breakers?

Steven (49:34)

I thought they were fellow spring breakers.

Dax Shepard (49:36)

Okay.

Steven (49:37)

So I asked her, hey, want to get out of here? We should get out of here. And she's like, yeah, yeah, sure, let's do it. Let's go. So we walk back to my hotel and talk to the guard with the AK47. Hey, like, can we get in and he's like, bracelet, bracelet. So she doesn't have a bracelet on. To get back into the room, she goes, oh, it's no problem. We can go back to my place. And I was like, oh, okay. She's like, I'll just call a ride. So she calls a ride. A couple minutes later, we're getting into an E150 van. You know those vans with no windows?

Monica Padman (50:03)

Oh, my God.

Dax Shepard (50:04)

Like a plumber's van.

Steven (50:05)

Yeah, yeah, real appealing. I get in first, and I was like, five rows. So I go all the way to the back. I'm like, all right, maybe we'll, like, kiss a little bit on the way there. And then all of a sudden, I turn around, she's not next to me. She's in the front seat talking to the driver in Spanish. So. So, okay, we start going, and she looks back at me, says a couple things here and there, but mostly talking to this guy. So the ride is 10, 20, 30 minutes go by, and now we're away from the resort, away from the water.

Dax Shepard (50:32)

And your friend is gone. He's back at the hotel. He didn't come with you?

Steven (50:35)

Yeah, he's doing whatever. I assume he's talking to this girl.

Dax Shepard (50:38)

He's in a separate van? Yeah.

Monica Padman (50:40)

Literally. Yeah.

Steven (50:41)

We pull into this, like, condominium, like, complex. And then he pulls into an actual garage of one of the condos. And then we get out, and the only thing he says to me is, have fun, buddy. And I'm like, okay, okay. She opens the door to the condo. There's flower petals everywhere, leading from the door all the way to the middle of the room with, like a jacuzzi in it. And then there's like a big king sized bed with red silk sheets. And I realized this is a prostitution ring.

Dax Shepard (51:11)

Which, by the way, is far better than a kidnapping when we're weighing out the different outcomes when you pull into the garage in the van.

Monica Padman (51:19)

So he was a john.

Dax Shepard (51:20)

Our friend is an unsuspecting, unwitting john, but he would be the either pimp or protection.

Monica Padman (51:25)

Oh, so the john is the person

Dax Shepard (51:27)

that buys who buys sex.

Steven (51:29)

Okay, I didn't even know. I'm learning something.

Monica Padman (51:32)

Okay, great. We're all learning.

Steven (51:33)

So we get in there, and I go to the bathroom. Like, oh, God, this is not what I thought it was gonna be.

Dax Shepard (51:37)

Can I ask how much money you have on you at this point?

Steven (51:39)

I've got like 20 or $40 cash. I've got a limit on my card, so I can't afford anything. Y. Yeah, even If I want to, I splash water on my face. And I come out of the bathroom, and she's laying on the bed in less clothing than when I entered the bathroom. Like, oh, hey, I think I'm gonna get out of here. She goes, no, no, whatever you wanna do. Like, now the Spanish is coming out. And she's like, whatever you wanna do. Whatever you wanna do. Like, we can do it. Come on, it's gonna be a great time. And I'm like, no, I can't. One, I don't have the money. Two, I just need to get out of here. And all of a sudden you hear like a bang, bang. But it wasn't on the door that we came in. It came from something else. What the heck was that? Sounded like metal. So she gets up and she goes over and she goes to a vent that's on the wall, but on the floor. And she opens that, and a hand pops up. That hand gives her a piece of paper. She puts the door back on the vent. And then she comes over to me and hands me the piece of paper.

Monica Padman (52:35)

Oh, my God.

Steven (52:36)

It says US$1,000. It's like a receipt. We haven't done anything. All they've done is given me, like, a really weird Uber ride. Essential. Maybe at the bar. We kissed a couple times. I don't know. So I say, hey, I've got to get out of here. You don't understand. I'm a college student. I don't have any money. I didn't realize this is what we're getting into. And she's still trying to convince me. And I just start walking out the door. I go out that same garage door we walked in. I press like there's an electric door opener. I open that, and the guy who drove us is still in the driveway. He's standing outside the car, and he appears to have a gun in his hand. I go up to him, I tell him, we didn't do anything. I just need to get a ride home. I don't have any money. I couldn't afford it anyways. All that stuff, trying to explain to him. I don't know if he's understanding what I'm saying.

Dax Shepard (53:20)

I want to add now, in the defense of everyone there. Of course they think every American's rich. That's totally understandable. Their level of poverty or GDP or what. Their average sale. They see Americans come through and they're like, of course. They think we all have a grand at our disposal at all times. That's very natural for them to think that Right.

Steven (53:41)

Especially this privileged who's on spring break. So I turn to her and then talk to her. I'm like, hey, can you please explain to him, you know, what's going on, that we didn't do anything and all that stuff. And then they're having a conversation, and he seems to be getting mad. And then all of a sudden, another car pulls up, like, the little driveway, and it's a Cadillac, and there's two guys in there, and one of the guys has an arm hanging out the window with a gun. So I'm realizing there's a whole thing going on, and I'm just trying to plead my case, but nothing really is getting through. So all of a sudden I'm like, you know what a really good idea is to just start running. So I started running, and all I can think of is just zigzagging. If they start shooting, I'm zigzagging so they can't hit me. No one's shooting, but in my head, they're following me. And then I get to a point where I'm like, I don't know which way we got in here. So I just took a turn, and I was on the main road. It felt like I was running for maybe 30 minutes when I was realistically probably running for, like, five minutes. All I can think is that, are they gonna come after me? Like, what do I do? And there's no street lights or anything. All I can hear is, like, crazy, like, nature around me. So I look something, like I find I see a sign. I kind of, like, hide behind it. But I know there's no way I'm walking home tonight. There's, like, one or two cars that go by. I'm like, I think I might be safe to hitchhike a ride. So another car comes. It's another one of those E150 vans, but it's a different color. But they pull over, and I say, hey, can you bring me to this resort? And they say yes. They didn't ask me for money or anything. So I get in, and there appears to be a woman who's, like, pregnant in the backseat, who's sitting next to me. She's like, groaning. It's kind of a weird situation.

Katie (55:10)

Oh, my God.

Steven (55:11)

The guys in the front are driving, not really paying attention to us in the back. But eventually we make it back to an area that seems familiar to me. It's not my hotel, but it's on the water, so I know we're close. There's, like, a condo complex, so I had to scale a couple of these walls that were like 6ft tall until there was one that was 12ft tall. And I wasn't expecting it. Went over. I landed on my knee. I sprained my knee pretty bad. I was like, you know, I just need to crawl my way back to the ocean. As soon as I get to, like, the beginning, I'll know where to go. I know I just got to go left, and I'll probably be near my resort. Finally, I get back, I crawl up to the rooms that we're all staying in, and I'm banging on the doors, yelling, and no one's answering. Everybody's passed out after being drunk all night, and I end up just falling asleep in the hallway. My buddy woke up a few hours later. He drags me and kind of throws me in the bed. I slept till about 3 o' clock the next day. I woke up, told them the tale, and then we went out and went to the same bar as the next,

Courtney (56:10)

of course.

Monica Padman (56:12)

Wow.

Dax Shepard (56:14)

How had your buddy's night ended? He just went back to the hotel room.

Steven (56:17)

I think he made his way to a casino. Oh, someone offered him a ride to a casino, so he went to that. Lost all his money.

Dax Shepard (56:25)

Oh, college in male. This is such a male story. Like, they split up, they're both conquering some imaginary thing.

Monica Padman (56:33)

Thank God you made it out of there. That is so scary, because you hear

Steven (56:37)

all those horror stories of what happened people on spring breaks in those countries because it's pretty lawless. Sometimes I'm just like, maybe this is just purgatory.

Dax Shepard (56:43)

You never did make it out of that room. Yeah, right.

Monica Padman (56:46)

You're still behind that sign.

Dax Shepard (56:49)

Oh, my goodness, Steven. Brings back some memories.

Monica Padman (56:52)

So I'm actually impressed that that one card went ahead and dropped you off.

Steven (56:57)

I ended up giving him, like, what was left in my wallet. I was like, yeah, take $40 and thank you so much.

Dax Shepard (57:03)

And I think she needs a hospital.

Monica Padman (57:06)

What if they were on the way to the hospital? Like, I want to get this guy.

Dax Shepard (57:09)

Yeah. Well, lovely meeting you, Steven. That was harrowing.

Steven (57:12)

Likewise, guys. And I want to say we've been listening for a few years. I got caught onto you because of my girlfriend. We couldn't find a podcast we like to listen to in the car together. So she found you guys, and we found a happy medium, and we listened to you guys on every long car ride.

Dax Shepard (57:26)

Oh, lovely.

Monica Padman (57:27)

That's really nice.

Steven (57:28)

Really appreciate your time.

Dax Shepard (57:29)

Okay, take care.

Steven (57:30)

Bye.

Dax Shepard (57:31)

Oh, wow.

Monica Padman (57:32)

We also had a situation in college where I won't say who Also ended up in the hallway. He was gone. We couldn't find him. And we wake up in the morning, he's in the hallway.

Steven (57:42)

Yeah.

Dax Shepard (57:43)

And you know mine about getting arrested and running.

Monica Padman (57:45)

Do I.

Dax Shepard (57:46)

With Kenny, 11th grade, Cancun. Ding, ding, ding. At a bar, meet a gal. The bar butts up to the beach. So half of the bar is on the actual beach. And we start hooking up on that sand. And then all of a sudden, security lifted me off of her and brought me to two cops that were just outside of the little boundary of the bar.

Monica Padman (58:11)

And was she a prostitute?

Dax Shepard (58:13)

No, she was just a horny Mexican gal. No, she was fucking horny. Obviously, if you're having sex, she said, do you have a light? And I gave her a light with my Zippo. Ding, ding, ding. And then she said, I'm on fire for you in my ear. And I was like, oh, my goodness, what's happening? I was in 11th grade and drunk on daiquiris.

Monica Padman (58:34)

How old was he?

Mary (58:35)

I mean, she.

Dax Shepard (58:39)

I don't know how old he was, but she was like, my age all of a sudden. So the security guards bring me to two Cancun police officers that are sitting right at the edge of the bar, and they're screaming, you can't do that in the bar.

Courtney (58:52)

Oh.

Dax Shepard (58:52)

And the two cops have me by both holding me, like, by the elbow. They're now signaling to more cops that are on the curb out in front of the bar. And as they're waving, I'm thinking, I can't go to a Mexican jail. I know one thing is that you cannot end up in a Mexican jail. And, like, this guy. I was on a $200 trip with Ken in, and I had probably 60 bucks to my name for the whole trip and no ATM card. So I can't pay these guys off. This is like, day three of the trip, and they had little batons. So they start waving to the other guys to come down, presumably, I think, to put me in handcuffs and take me to a car. And when they lift their hands away from me, I just take off. Sprinting down the beach. Yes. And I'm running down the beach, and it's dark, and I just ran as fast as humanly possible down the beach all the way back to my hotel, probably like a half mile. They stopped chasing me.

Monica Padman (59:44)

Do you think about jumping in the water and swimming?

Dax Shepard (59:47)

I would have done absolutely anything to not end up in some car going to jail in Cancun.

Monica Padman (59:52)

Why would they take you to jail just because you were at the bar?

Dax Shepard (59:54)

I mean, because I was having sex at a bar.

Monica Padman (59:56)

I know, but like, jail, you'd be like, go home.

Dax Shepard (59:59)

Well, I can only say what the stereotype at the time was, which is, they're taking you there to shake you down.

Steven (60:04)

Right.

Dax Shepard (60:05)

But that run. I know his run he's talking about. I was just running. Like, are they gonna tackle me? How close? Are they behind me? Are they pulling their guns out? Luckily, the beach was right there and it was dark, so I just ran to the beach.

Monica Padman (60:16)

Yeah. It's weird because since you have such a strong sense of smell, you've just smelled so many people.

Dax Shepard (60:25)

That's true.

Monica Padman (60:26)

I'm sure some of them smelled bad.

Dax Shepard (60:28)

She did not. Odds wise, there have been some situations for sure. That's the price of doing business.

Katie (60:39)

Okay.

Dax Shepard (60:40)

Good night. Love you.

Mary (60:42)

Love you.

Steven (60:44)

Do you want to sing a tune or something?

Dax Shepard (60:45)

We know a theme song. Oh, okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of armchairies, we'll get some suggestions on the fly rhyme dish. On the fire rhyme dish. Enjoy.