Armchair Anonymous: Thanksgiving II

Summary

Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Episode Summary: "Armchair Anonymous: Thanksgiving II"

Release Date: November 29, 2024

In the heartwarming yet hilariously chaotic episode titled "Armchair Anonymous: Thanksgiving II," Dax Shepard, alongside co-host Monica Padman, delves deep into the Thanksgiving traditions, mishaps, and memorable stories shared by listeners. The episode seamlessly blends personal anecdotes, caller stories, and insightful banter, offering a relatable and entertaining exploration of the complexities and joys of the holiday season.

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1. Setting the Scene: Thanksgiving Traditions and Plans

The episode kicks off with Dax and Monica discussing their unique Thanksgiving traditions, blending conventional practices with personalized twists. Dax introduces the concept of "Thanksgiva," a playful amalgamation of Thanksgiving and Christmas, highlighting their shared sense of humor and camaraderie.

• Monica Padman (00:24): "Wow. Yeah, that's me."
• Dax Shepard (02:22): "We call it Christma and thanksgiva. Same way we had the In-N-Out theme song."

2. Nicole's Thanksgiving Catastrophe

Listener Nicole shares a harrowing Thanksgiving story involving kitchen disasters that nearly derailed the entire meal. Her meticulous preparation is thwarted when a glass casserole dish holding mashed potatoes explodes on the oven, scattering shards of glass and sauce throughout the kitchen.

• Nicole (05:02): "I tried to order one from McCall's, couldn't get it on time. We had to do some pivots and squishes."
• Dax Shepard (11:55): "The glass just shattered."

As the chaos ensues, Nicole and her mom scramble to salvage the meal, resorting to store-bought sides and an air fryer to save the day.

• Nicole (15:02): "We can have crispy, delicious veggies ready in, like, 20, 30 minutes."

Despite the setbacks, the family manages to pull together, sharing laughs over the unconventional Thanksgiving spread and the lingering memory of glass in the kitchen.

• Monica Padman (17:12): "Oh, God. Well, that explains something."

3. Cameron's BMX Mayhem: A Thanksgiving to Remember

The spotlight shifts to Cameron, who recounts an unforgettable Thanksgiving experience from 2011. Determined to impress his in-laws and showcase his BMX skills, Cameron attempts a daring bike trick at a family gathering. The endeavor quickly spirals out of control when his handlebar pierces his thigh, leading to a gruesome and embarrassing scenario.

• Cameron (29:32): "I go down the track and I immediately realize I've got too much speed."
• Monica Padman (31:56): "This is such a nightmare."

The incident results in a frantic attempt to clear the obstruction, culminating in Cameron vomiting over the pristine Thanksgiving dinner table. The family reacts with concern and humorous disbelief, ultimately turning the mishap into a legendary family story.

• Dax Shepard (35:39): "Codependency."
• Monica Padman (38:57): "He is a sick boy. And you brought him gear."

Cameron's story underscores themes of family bonds, the lengths one goes to impress loved ones, and the resilience required to turn disasters into cherished memories.

4. Eva's Oceanic Oversleep: Thanksgiving at Sea

Eva, a researcher stationed on a Pacific Ocean vessel, shares her unique Thanksgiving tale marked by oversleeping. Preparing to drive early for Thanksgiving but inadvertently falling asleep for hours, Eva wakes up to shouts and police intervention, leading to a comical yet stressful reunion with her worried mother.

• Eva (68:00): "I was a really excellent sleeper."
• Monica Padman (73:37): "Your car was still there, I assume."

Despite the alarming wake-up call, Eva manages to explain the mix-up, attributing it to sheer exhaustion rather than any malintent. The incident highlights the importance of communication and the unintended consequences of holiday stress.

• Dax Shepard (75:01): "I went to bed at like nine in the morning."
• Agonizing Realization (75:07): "Ensure you tell them what happened."

Eva's narrative adds a layer of adventure and unpredictability to the Thanksgiving theme, illustrating how celebrations can take unexpected turns, especially when life is lived on the high seas.

5. Reflections and Closing Thoughts

Throughout the episode, Dax and Monica intersperse their discussions with humorous observations and empathetic reflections on the stories shared. They emphasize the universal nature of Thanksgiving mishaps, celebrating the resilience and humor that families employ to navigate holiday challenges.

• Monica Padman (62:39): "It's a nightmare."
• Dax Shepard (72:35): "Happy Thanksgiving."

The episode concludes with heartfelt thanks to listeners and a reminder of the value of shared experiences, no matter how messy they may be. The hosts encourage embracing imperfections and finding joy in the moments that make each Thanksgiving unique.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Nicole (12:08): "We have gravy cooking on the stovetop completely filled with glass."
• Cameron (35:43): "I've given off a bad impression. I needed to make up for that."
• Eva (70:44): "I survived your nap, I guess."

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Final Thoughts

"Armchair Anonymous: Thanksgiving II" masterfully blends humor, vulnerability, and relatability, capturing the essence of Thanksgiving’s unpredictable nature. Through shared stories of kitchen mishaps, athletic blunders, and nautical oversleeping, Dax Shepard and Monica Padman create a space where listeners can laugh, empathize, and reflect on their own holiday experiences. This episode serves as a testament to the enduring spirit of family and the ability to find light in the midst of chaos.

Transcript

[Dax Shepard]

Wondry plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free. Right now, join Wondry plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts, or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepard, and I'm joined by Monica Monsoon, Duchess of Duluth.

[Monica Padman]

Wow. Yeah, that's me.

[Dax Shepard]

I rolled out a couple of oldies because nostalgia. Thanksgiva. Friendsgiving.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, it's here you like to say.

[Dax Shepard]

Friendsgiving. No. Mom's giving.

[Monica Padman]

Well, Mom's giving is its own thing.

[Dax Shepard]

It's different than Thanksgiving.

[Monica Padman]

I do a day.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Where I cook for only. Sorry, sorry.

[Dax Shepard]

No one's mad.

[Monica Padman]

Sorry, guys. I only cook for, like, eight people because so far, in my current kitchen, that's all I can do.

[Dax Shepard]

Right. You'll widen out the net when you.

[Monica Padman]

Have a. Yeah, that's something for us to think about, because then. Is that just Thanksgiving again? So I invite eight people over pre Thanksgiving. It's happening this year on this Friday.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. And well, tomorrow. Well, for the listeners, it was already Friday.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Last Friday.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Okay.

[Monica Padman]

Anyway. And I make Allison Roman's Thanksgiving.

[Dax Shepard]

Right? Correct.

[Monica Padman]

I make the whole thing.

[Dax Shepard]

Yep.

[Monica Padman]

I already had a big issue with turkey.

[Dax Shepard]

You called her in a pinch.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, last year I called her in a pinch, but this year, I've already had a big issue with turkey. I tried to order one from McCall's, couldn't get it on time. We had to do some pivots and squishes, and I thought maybe I was gonna have to move into chicken territory. Yeah. But I didn't. I didn't. We made it work.

[Dax Shepard]

Thank God.

[Monica Padman]

Thank God. I know.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm not even there, so I don't care what you serve, I don't make the list of Mom's giving.

[Monica Padman]

This year.

[Dax Shepard]

I have to tell you, it does make me think of Mom's pubis.

[Monica Padman]

I understand.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Monica Padman]

That's Mom's giving. And then we do our Thanksgiving, which is the best day of the year. This is my happiest time of year. I have Mom's giving. Then I have our pod Thanksgiving, which is the best secret turkey. Then I have Black Friday with Callie. That's a tradition.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Then Saturday I have Pig Day with Jess, where we get my Christmas tree.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. It's a traditional 1, 2, 3, 4. Yeah. Pace yourself.

[Monica Padman]

Really something.

[Dax Shepard]

Pace yourself.

[Monica Padman]

I will.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Well, Bree and I always called it thanksgiva.

[Monica Padman]

And tell me about that.

[Dax Shepard]

We call it Christma and thanksgiva.

[Monica Padman]

That's cute.

[Dax Shepard]

I don't know why?

[Monica Padman]

That's cute.

[Dax Shepard]

Same way we had the In N Out theme song. As you know, we would just isolate a part of a word and change it. And that was, for whatever reason, our comedic overlap.

[Monica Padman]

Isn't that so funny how people build these things in relationships and they don't transfer over.

[Dax Shepard]

Right. This is a story, Aaron and I's life. Like, we're laughing so hard and everyone's annoyed out of their mind. We're just so deep now into these layers.

[Monica Padman]

But the things you and Aaron joke about and stuff, do you want to be doing that with everybody else and it's just not working or you really only do that there?

[Dax Shepard]

Probably. I would like it if more people. Because I'm having the most fun. No, I don't want to say that. That's triggering. You and I have a lot of fun things we both find to be really funny. But I'm most happy when I'm living in a comedic zone that is unique and novel. And I don't. You.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

I like. I like it.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, I just know that I can sometimes spend hours with Aaron. Like, just laugh, laugh, you know? You know the stories. Like my mother in law came in, I was like worried. She said to Kristen, like, what is wrong with them? They've been laughing in there for, I don't know. She got suspicious, maybe on drugs or something.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, that's fair.

[Dax Shepard]

Given the history of both of us, it's a legitimate concern. But yeah, I like it. If I could feel that way all the time, I probably would want to.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. That's interesting because I don't think so. I think what's born in the space between two people is very unique. I never try to like, pull in what it was funny over there into a different relationship.

[Dax Shepard]

Got you. I remember it being kind of a relief. So I had a friend, still friend, Cole Garlic. When we were young, his name was Colin. He changed it.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

And you, you're allergic to him now?

[Dax Shepard]

Now I am garlic. Oh, not garlic, but colon garlic you could see on a playground. At any rate, I started hanging out with him in sixth grade. And we like to be so weird. The kind of faces I was making in the mirror to embarrass myself.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

He and I would do for hours. And you know who has it? Lincoln.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, I know. Yeah, you've talked about Lincoln.

[Dax Shepard]

And I will. Half the time we look at each.

[Monica Padman]

Other, we go, that's funny.

[Dax Shepard]

And it just goes on and on and on. And we love making the ugliest faces we can and not everyone likes that.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

So I feel like, oh, this is so great. I got this back again because I don't see Cole. He lives in Michigan and it's a part of me that really needs to come out.

[Eva]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, that's great.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, thanksgiva. Tell us a crazy thanksgiva incident. We're using the word incident now. Let's see. Oh, if you're sensitive to meat, human meat, you were very sensitive that you can't listen to this episode. For sure.

[Monica Padman]

I am not listening.

[Dax Shepard]

But I don't think there's really any triggers here.

[Monica Padman]

It's a good episode. We are thankful for our armchair anonymous listeners and our armchairies.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. Yes. So Please enjoy Crazy Thanksgiva stories. We are supported by Audible. Audible's best of 2024 picks are here. Audible's curated list in every category is the best way to hear 2024's best in audio entertainment. Like a stunning new full cast production of George Orwell's 1984. This is the one I am most excited to indulge myself with.

[Monica Padman]

I'm so excited to listen to James, which is a new title by Percival Everett that is very, very hot right now.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, there's so many good ones on the list.

[Monica Padman]

We love Audible. This is how you go to bed.

[Dax Shepard]

I love Audible. I swear by Audible. I can't wait to listen to the Orwell 1984 off this list. I'm also doing Fleas by Autobiography right now, which I'm obsessed with. I can't get enough Audible in my life every night. Go to audible.comdax and discover all the year's bests waiting for you. That's audible.com Dax we are supported by Audible. Audible's best of 2024 picks are here. Audible's curated list in every category is the best way to hear 2024's best in audio entertainment. Like a stunning new full cast production of George Orwell's 1984. This is the one most excited to indulge myself with.

[Monica Padman]

I'm so excited to listen to James, which is a new title by Percival effort that is very, very hot right now.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, there's so many good ones on the list.

[Monica Padman]

We love Audible. This is how you go to bed.

[Dax Shepard]

I love Audible. I swear by Audible. I can't wait to listen to the Orwell 1984 off this list. I'm also doing Fleas by Autobiography right now, which I'm obsessed with. I can't get enough Audible in my life every night. Go to audible.comdax and discover all the year's best WA waiting for you. That's audible.com. dax.

[Cameron]

Hard times come and go Good times take them slow My life, I had them both. Remember one thing you gotta know I'm gonna keep on shining.

[Dax Shepard]

Hi there.

[Nicole]

Hi. Nice to meet you.

[Dax Shepard]

What a dazzling closet you're in. Lots of stimuli.

[Nicole]

Very much you'll appreciate, actually, this shelf collapse recently and yesterday I forced my husband to fix it because I was like, I'm talking to Dax and Monica. I got to get in the closet.

[Monica Padman]

Wow.

[Nicole]

So it's got to be perfect. So we're back in tip top shape here.

[Dax Shepard]

We need a hard deadline. Us husbands, we'll say we're going to do something for like a year and a half. Right? We're the worst about that.

[Nicole]

Yeah. I won't say how long it has been down for his sake, but it was more than a day, to be fair.

[Monica Padman]

In my armoire, my shelf has collapsed also, and I'm also not doing anything about it.

[Nicole]

Yeah. I'm thrilled that we're back in action here because I like you, Monica. I love my clothes. I want them to have their special space.

[Dax Shepard]

Where are you at? It's Eva.

[Nicole]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you got it. I am in Richmond, Virginia.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wonderful. We're increasing our callers from Virginia.

[Monica Padman]

I like that you're spreading the word.

[Nicole]

Absolutely.

[Dax Shepard]

Now, does your Thanksgivings story take place in Richmond?

[Nicole]

It does. This was probably 2018, and actually at the time my husband and I were living in New York. We're high school sweethearts, so our families actually all live in Richmond. And so we'd always come home for the holidays. And we hadn't really joined the families together yet for like a big holiday meal. So this year we actually just got married. And so our moms were like, hey, we should do one big Thanksgiving meal with everybody together. And my mom offered to host, which was great.

[Dax Shepard]

Very generous.

[Nicole]

Very. Our parents knew each other well, but it's the first time hosting the big family thing. There was some pressure. She wanted it to go really well. And my mom is great cook, great host. But one thing I will say about my mom, which she wouldn't cover your ears, mom to admit, but she's not the best when it comes to time management.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, sure, it's hard in the kitchen. It's shockingly hard.

[Dax Shepard]

People make schedules for the day of like, this is in the oven at this time. This come and that comes out. This goes in. You gotta be organized.

[Nicole]

Yeah, yeah. My mom's more like, I've got this. She's not writing anything down. Really?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Wing it.

[Nicole]

Absolutely. She always pulls it off. The guests would never know, but my sister and I, we know, we experience it. And that hour before people arrive, it can get pretty dicey. So, Monica, fun fact. I'm a Virgo too. So knowing this, I was like, I gotta keep this on track. I'm gonna show up early just to help her out, make a schedule, keep things going. To my surprise, and to my mom's credit, she's got it under control. We've got the turkey on. Table is set, things are really going well. And I stopped and was like, we're going to really pull this off without any last minute meltdowns, any chaos. And I'm sure you can sense where this is headed.

[Dax Shepard]

Can I ask what was the scheduled kickoff time and when did mom start getting at it?

[Nicole]

Mom started the day before.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, you got to start sometimes two.

[Dax Shepard]

Days, sometimes in October.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. For your stuff.

[Nicole]

Yeah. I want to say we're like a 4:00pm, 5:00pm type of Thanksgiving. Like, not afternoon, but not normal dinner time. So an early evening was the plan.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm glad I asked because I think we generally are aiming more for a 2 or a 3.

[Monica Padman]

Exactly.

[Nicole]

This was, I think, maybe 4pm that is definitely not the time we ate, though.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay. Okay.

[Nicole]

So about an hour before everyone arrived, and my mom was like, hey, we gotta take the mashed potatoes out of the fridge. She had made them the night before. Again, great preparation ahead. She took them out of the fridge, but the potatoes were in, like, a cold glass casserole dish. So she's an experienced cook. She knows, like, dishes like that, you can't just put them right in the hot, hot oven. So she's like, let's sit them out and let them warm up a little bit before we stick them in the oven. The place that my mom chose to sit the potatoes to come to room temperature was on top of the oven, which had obviously been on all day cooking the turkey. But also, we've had things on that stovetop all day. We had just taken something off, and luckily my mom had walked to the other side of the kitchen to grab something because at least what felt like within a few seconds, the potatoes in the dish completely exploded.

[Monica Padman]

Explosion. Oh, yes.

[Dax Shepard]

The glass just shattered.

[Nicole]

Fuck, yeah. I knew that could happen, but I guess in my mind, I thought it would crack, sort of. This was a full. I mean, essentially a bomb went off in a detonation. Yeah.

[Cameron]

Oh, wow.

[Nicole]

It was so loud. My mom and I. I don't know why this was our first stop, but we both thought someone had like fired a gun in the house.

[Dax Shepard]

Dad's firing his gun again on Thanksgiving.

[Nicole]

Didn't take as long to realize what happened because there was glass and potatoes everywh. This is a normal sized kitchen. But I'm not exaggerating when I say there were shards of glass every square inch of this kitchen. Other side of the room, in the sink.

[Monica Padman]

Fuck. What about the other food in the other food? Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, it grenaded.

[Nicole]

We have gravy cooking on the stovetop completely filled with glass. We have just set the rolls out to rise and they're just like laced with shards with glass.

[Monica Padman]

This is devastating.

[Nicole]

It's devastating. And of course she works so hard to like do this on time for all this. And it's just a wash. And so we like kind of process what happened. And then I looked at my mom and was like, are we still hosting Thanksgiving? Like we have this turkey in the oven. But like that was pretty much all that was left and people were bringing a couple dishes. The things you're looking forward to at Thanksgiving were pretty much ruined other than the turkey. And looking back, we really should have called the whole thing off. I was married to my husband. Like, who are we trying to impress? My mom and I are borderline approval junkie.

[Monica Padman]

Show must go on people.

[Nicole]

So we were like, we'll just make it work. Not really thinking through what the next couple hours are gonna look like. So first things first, I call my husband And I'm like, one, you gotta tell your parents, like, we're not eating at 4 or 5 or whatever. It was like, we gotta push this whole thing back. Don't get into it with them on the phone. Just tell them there was an incident and we'll explain later. And then of course I was like, and then you need to get over here because I need an extra set of hands on this cleanup. Like this is like a hours long job. So he gets over there. And then one Easter egg that I forgot to mention, which is we actually weren't able to get everyone together on Thanksgiving day. This was the day after Thanksgiving, Black Friday. So luckily grocery stores were open. So I called my sister and was like, hey, you gotta go to the store and pick some store bought potatoes and rolls and gravy up and bring it over so we have something to serve with this turkey. Of course my mom's listening to me, like rumbling like, I can't believe I have to serve store bought food on Thanksgiving. And I was like, there's been Anything.

[Monica Padman]

Explosion, like, you know, yeah, we're in.

[Dax Shepard]

A bomb site right now. You got to make do with what we got.

[Nicole]

Absolutely. My mom was looking around and was like, oh, man, what a shame. Like, I have all these extra sweet potatoes and Brussels sprouts I didn't end up using. But those things take so long to actually cook and, like, soften up in the oven, so we just don't have time. We had 30 minutes before his family was going to show up. It was Black Friday. I had done some shopping that morning, and I had got my mom an air fryer, and it was in my trunk. And I was like, I don't want to ruin her Christmas gift early, but. But I know she wants this to go really well. She wants to serve, like, a full Thanksgiving meal, and we didn't have any vegetables to serve, so I was like, hold on a second. I got in the trunk, get the air fryer, and was like, merry early Christmas. It's 2018. She's like, I don't know what an air fryer is.

[Dax Shepard]

You're early on the curve. Yeah. I think we went 2020 with our big, deep air fry diet.

[Monica Padman]

Remember the Oreos?

[Dax Shepard]

The Oreos wrapped in the crust. Oh, the croissants? Delicious.

[Nicole]

Well, this was just Brussels sprouts.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. All right. Well.

[Nicole]

But she, of course, was like, what am I supposed to do with this? And I explained, like, we can have crispy, delicious veggies ready in, like, 20, 30 minutes. Like, so we pop that open, we chopped up some veggies, and we had them on the table, like, by the time everybody was there to eat. And of course, it wasn't as good as it would have been if my mom had made it, but we have pretty much all the hits for Thanksgiving. And also, it made for obviously, great conversation over at the dinner with everybody. My mom still jokes that she finds pieces of glass in her kitchen to this day.

[Dax Shepard]

I was going to say, you might have able to answer the conundrum when they entered and you said, whatever you do, do not take your shoes off today. Keep your shoes on throughout the house.

[Nicole]

Oh, yeah. We were shoes on in that house for months. My mom had to wear shoes forever. It was a disaster.

[Dax Shepard]

Now, open question to everybody. There seems to be such a distaste for anything store bought, but I'm just gonna add, I've bought many of rotisserie chicken from my local grocery store. Store. It's so much better than a human cook in their own kitchen. Rotisserie.

[Monica Padman]

I love rotisserie chicken, but it's not as good as when I make a full chicken.

[Dax Shepard]

Monica, have you gone to Lazy Acres and had the rotisserie chicken?

[Monica Padman]

You've obviously never had my chicken. That's fine. But I agree with you. They have good stuff. But not on Thanksgiving. On Thanksgiving, you don't want to go store bought. With the exception of some people like the cranberry in the jar and Stouffer's.

[Dax Shepard]

Stovetop stuffing, which is not a real product.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, that's as we know.

[Dax Shepard]

That Mandela effect.

[Nicole]

My mom could never. She's like using the old family recipes.

[Dax Shepard]

Is she drying out sourdough like a few days before must?

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, you gotta rip it up and then it dries. Oh, I'm so hungry.

[Dax Shepard]

I would like to do a side by side taste test.

[Monica Padman]

Do you want me to make some turkey legs and bring them and see?

[Dax Shepard]

And I guess I'll buy some from the gas station and we'll do a. We'll do a taste test blindfold. I gotta find a gas station that sells turkey legs.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, God.

[Dax Shepard]

I guess I could find a Renaissance festival.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, they're bigger than. They're probably good.

[Dax Shepard]

They're probably outrageous. Deep fried.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God. Well, I'm so sorry about this horrible, horrible disaster.

[Dax Shepard]

Did this create a tradition? Did your in laws then host the following year?

[Nicole]

I guess we've sort of alternated who's doing it. I have somehow decided that I would host this year.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm not sure how that's gonna go.

[Nicole]

I'm like you, Monica. I love to cook. I'm excited, but I hope nothing like this happens. I've really learned my lesson. This is a psa. Honestly.

[Dax Shepard]

Can I ask a Virgo question? Do you guys love cooking or do you love following directions?

[Nicole]

I think it's both. I think you like to follow the directions, but you also love creating something. And I just want to, like, be of service to people. So I just love serving people food that I've made. I think that's what it is.

[Monica Padman]

And when they say yum, I love it. I've never had anything so good.

[Nicole]

Yes.

[Monica Padman]

Believe me, that's really what it is.

[Dax Shepard]

30% of my self esteem is based on my spaghetti.

[Monica Padman]

Exact. See, I get it.

[Dax Shepard]

I get it. I cook more like jazz improv, you know?

[Monica Padman]

I know, but imagine you've made turkey, you've made a big cloud potatoes, you've made a sweet potato dish, you made stuffing, and you did it by yourself. And people are like, how did you do this? Can you imagine that?

[Dax Shepard]

Do you guys agree it's hard to trust the response. It's kind of like watching someone open the Christmas gift. They're kind of obligated. I don't know that you ever get a real sense. You'd have to mic the bathrooms or the cars home.

[Nicole]

I'm always thinking that. I'm like, well, maybe they're just saying that. So my poor husband. I'm constantly like, do you actually think it's good? And then he tells me and reassures me. But I don't always buy it.

[Dax Shepard]

That's why I always pass on the compliments that Kristen gives to Monica's food when she gets home from a girl's night at Monica's house. Because she'll go like, my God, Monica's becoming such a great chef. And I thing I better tell her that I received that third hand because in person, who knows if you can trust it.

[Monica Padman]

You can also tell by seconds and.

[Dax Shepard]

Thirds how much everyone's eating.

[Monica Padman]

Huh.

[Dax Shepard]

But what if everyone's on OIC this Thanksgiving? They're like eating as much as they can but it's just not a lot.

[Monica Padman]

Then they don't like it.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, no, they might.

[Monica Padman]

They hate it. I'm quitting.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Nicole]

I can't even use second and thirds because my family and my husband's family, they would would do second and thirds maybe even if it wasn't their favorite. They're just that type of family on Thanksgiving where they're really loading up.

[Dax Shepard]

Great point. That's how the Shepherds did it too. It could have been just average but we're going to over consume.

[Nicole]

It's a holiday so you just have to just go for it.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, I'm so excited.

[Dax Shepard]

Do you guys watch football at your house? Will you watch the Detroit Lions?

[Nicole]

Not me so much. Maybe my husband and my brother in law might have it on. I've heard vaguely that they're doing better this season.

[Dax Shepard]

For 47 Thanksgivings we've tuned in in Detroit to watch the Lions get destroyed. But yeah, last year they almost went to the super bowl and they're doing well this year.

[Monica Padman]

Who are they playing on Thanksgiving?

[Dax Shepard]

I think the Atlanta Braves. First time ever. They're going to play a baseball Chicago Bears. Oh my God. A civil war in arms.

[Monica Padman]

It's Rob versus Dax.

[Dax Shepard]

How are the Bears doing this year, Rob? They got a new quarterback. That doesn't sound like a great start. Well, they got the first draft pick.

[John]

Got the best quarterback and they're four and five.

[Dax Shepard]

What's Detroit?

[John]

Eight and one. Oh.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, I'm obviously voting for.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, you Gotta root for Chicago. Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, I have to. As a payback.

[Dax Shepard]

I'll be okay with that.

[Monica Padman]

Okay.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Well, we wish you a ton of luck hosting for the first time.

[Monica Padman]

You're gonna be great.

[Nicole]

Thank you. I need it.

[Dax Shepard]

Let's let those glass dishes transition to room temp up on the countertop maybe.

[Nicole]

Yeah, we're gonna go ceramic, I think, just to be on the safe side.

[Dax Shepard]

Maybe go cast iron to just. Really? Because that way if it does detonate, everyone will be dead. So no one have to deal with it. That.

[Monica Padman]

That's cool.

[Dax Shepard]

That's a, like, silver lining. Yeah.

[Nicole]

Well, thank you guys so much. I know you hear this all the time, but thank you for everything you do. I am like a day one armchair. I get so much out of the show. This is surreal. But I really, really appreciate everything you guys do over there.

[Dax Shepard]

Thank you. We really appreciate you. We can't really believe how much support we get.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. Especially from smart, cute, nice Virgos. Yeah, that's really lucky.

[Nicole]

We're critical, you know?

[Monica Padman]

I know, I know. Doesn't.

[Nicole]

Oh, my God. No, you guys deserve it. You guys are doing awesome things.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, thank you so much. It's great meeting you and I'm glad that we motivated the construction project.

[Nicole]

Absolutely. We'll see if it holds. Fingers crossed.

[Dax Shepard]

It would have been great if it collapsed in the middle. Right when she said that, the dish exploded. I'm nervous, actually. Thank you. Take care. Happy Thanksgiving.

[Nicole]

You too.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, bye. Bye.

[Monica Padman]

I really want stuffing now.

[Eva]

Michael Voltaggio's stuffing.

[Monica Padman]

Remember one time I made it and I had to make it in a huge. I didn't have a vessel big enough. And so I used this thing I got at the flea market that is like, kind of something. I guess you'd put wine bottles in or something. I cleaned it really well, but I was a little nervous. Cause it was from the flea market, you know, I was like, is it align it with wax paper? Before I put the mixtures in and mix it all up, wax paper completely started disintegrating. And so it was like kind of in there. No, it wasn't leeching. It was just. I thought I would just pull it out and I couldn't. Then there were pieces of wax paper and I. You ate some.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, well, that explains something.

[John]

Your toe.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, my toe. That's where the fungus came from. I guess I was eating with my toes that night.

[Monica Padman]

Sure, sure. Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Toe licking good. We are supported by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all in one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed Online. We of course have a gorgeous website that we designed. And by we, I mean Rob.

[Monica Padman]

That's right.

[Dax Shepard]

Squarespace using their great templates. And it looks so beautiful and it functions so official. Yeah. So whether you're just starting out or managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience and sell anything from products to content to time, all in one place, all on your terms. If it's your first time creating a website, no worries. Squarespace Blueprint is a new guided system that helps you build a unique online presence from the ground up. Your site will be perfectly tailored to your needs and with the help of engaging email marketing tools, you can share your brand story with your community and even grow your audience and reach through targeted email campaigns. Head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to Launch, go to squarespace.com stacks to save 10% off your first purchase of of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com dax to get started today, we are supported by Skims. If you're in the market for holiday presents, Skims has got you covered.

[Monica Padman]

Boy, do they. They just launched their holiday shop with some incredible gift ideas. You know I like giving gifts.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes, you're a gift expert. And you approve?

[Monica Padman]

I do. And when I gave for a white elephant, I gave a skims robe once before. It was a huge hit.

[Dax Shepard]

It was stolen immediately.

[Monica Padman]

Immediately. And they do. They have this amazing soft lounge sleep set from the Skims holiday shop. Really cute seasonal colors. It's so nice to get festive and get in your skims and bop around.

[Dax Shepard]

You gotta eventize, you gotta. It's so fun. And who doesn't love a gift list? It makes holiday shopping that much easier. Shop skimsholiday. [e-mail] available in styles for women, men, kids and even pets. If you haven't yet, be sure to let them know we sent you. After you place your orders, select podcast in the survey and select our show in the drop down menu that follows. We are supported by Macy's. Macy's is your one stop shop for all things gifting this holiday season. If you have trouble knowing what to give or ask for, Macy's gift guide is here to help. I love a gift guide, Monica. I need them so much. I'm so bad at this.

[Monica Padman]

Gift guides are important. I mean Macy's is classic trusted brand. Yes. I was on their online store the other day buying something for a family member. I won't say because I don't want to give it away.

[Dax Shepard]

Right. Smart.

[Monica Padman]

It was a gift and you know it is. It's just like classic and homey and everything's great.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. You can shop a curated list and editor's picks for under $25, under $50 and even luxe gift ideas. The Macy's gift guide is also a great way to figure out what you want for the holidays. This is my problem. I can never think of what I want. But they've got gifts for her, gifts for him, gifts for home. Spend a little time looking through their handpicked selection and you're sure to find something that catches your eye. Let Macy's be your guide to gifting this holiday season. Season. Check out the Macy's gift guide@macy's.com for all the gifts you'd like to give and get curated for stress free shopping. Shop now@macy's.com and at a Macy's store near you.

[Monica Padman]

Hi.

[Dax Shepard]

There's two bucks going on. There's your Ohio hat. So you're a buck off.

[Cameron]

Correct.

[Dax Shepard]

And then you have Bucky's blanket behind you. Right. Is that a Bucky's blanket?

[Cameron]

You're very astute and observant. Yes. I didn't even make the connection between the two bucks.

[Dax Shepard]

Are you an Ohio buckeye living in Texas? Why do you have a Bucky's blanket?

[Cameron]

Well, I happen to travel down there once or twice a year and every time I go down I gotta bring the kids back something from Bucky's.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. The kids love Bucky's.

[John]

Yes.

[Cameron]

And if you can't tell, the kids made me a fort. Oh, they made that?

[Monica Padman]

It's really sweet.

[Dax Shepard]

They did a great job.

[Cameron]

They did. I would typically have it in our master closet, but isn't really conducive for this type of environment. It's the bane of my wife's existence. So I was forced to come up with another option. I think it's a better option.

[Dax Shepard]

I love it. Do you have the same thing now? My kids have just kind of left the fort building phase. But I have such conflicting feelings when I walk into the living room and the entire place is blankets. Because I'm proud of them and I'm ruing the cleanup and I like don't want them to make them and I want them to make.

[Cameron]

Exactly. If you could see the rest of the space, it would be exactly what you're describing, man.

[Monica Padman]

Whoever branded Buc EE's really did a great job.

[Dax Shepard]

They weren't bucking around. They did a great, great job. Okay, so you've got a crazy Thanksgiving story and we can't wait to hear it.

[Cameron]

It takes place back in 2011. My girlfriend at the time we met in the spring of 2011, so the first major holiday that we were going to be able to spend together was obviously Thanksgiving. The relationship was blossoming and we were ready to move it forward. And she invited me over to her family's house for Thanksgiving dinner. This is a great opportunity. Show her parents that I'm an upstanding young man. I've got my act together. And just show that I'm full of dignity and grace.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Real Michigander through and through.

[Cameron]

You can tell I'm oozing with it.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. How disappointed was your own family? Because I got to be honest, when my daughters start telling me like, yeah, been with this dude for six months, I'm not coming to Thanksgiving. I'm going to be a little heartbroken. I'm going to be supportive, but I'm going to be a little heartbroken. Yeah.

[Cameron]

I mean, it kind of comes with the territory, you know, when your son or daughter's found that person, they're not all yours anymore. And that was kind of the first step towards that. So it was fine. They understood.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. They wished you well.

[Cameron]

Yes, exactly. So went to their house, got there a little bit early to kind of ease the nerves a bit, enjoyed some adult beverages and just kind of relaxed a bit. I guess to preface it, there's a couple different types of Thanksgiving. You've got the more relaxed Thanksgiving where it's very casual, free flowing, you watch football all day, hang out with the family, you show up in whatever clothes you're wearing that day. Not a big deal. Then you've got the more traditional formal, sit down meal type Thanksgiving. That's what I was walking into. So my nerves were a little bit ratcheted up.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Had you dressed up?

[Cameron]

Of course, yes. Okay.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Cameron]

So sat down for dinner and it's myself, my girlfriend to my left, her mom to my right, her father across the table. So we're at opposite ends of the table, at the heads of the table. And then they've invited two friends that happened to be from out of town that didn't have a place to be for Thanksgiving, didn't really know who they were, but they were at the opposite end of the table. So I'll preface what happens next by saying that my family has a unique. I don't know if it's a genetic trait or what, what. But certain types of food, whether it be like chicken or steak or Bread. When we eat it, it doesn't get stuck in our throat, but it can give off that sensation that something is stuck. But it happens so frequently. I mean, it happens daily.

[Dax Shepard]

All your family members suffer from this?

[Cameron]

A number of them do, yes.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow. I want to go to your Thanksgiving and just be constantly panicked. I need to perform the Heimlich maneuver.

[Monica Padman]

Okay.

[Dax Shepard]

Could you replicate the noise you would make? Make? Is that what you were asking while ago?

[Monica Padman]

No, no. My friend has this thing where his throat has webbing in it. Is that what you have?

[Cameron]

Honestly, I don't know what I have.

[Monica Padman]

You might have webbing.

[Cameron]

That's something I may need to look into. But it happens so frequently. Don't think anything of it. So it's the formal dining room table. We've got the nice cutlery, the glassware, all the foods that you expect at a traditional Thanksgiving dinner. Passing the food around. I'm loading up pretty much everything. I really enjoy myself some Thanksgiving dinner. I start my meal, make a calculated move, and start with an innocent, savory crescent roll. Just to kind of wet the palate a bit and to ease into the better things. Save those for last. So I take a bite of the crescent roll, and immediately I notice that sensation I was mentioning where it feels like something stuck. But like I said, I don't think anything of it.

[Monica Padman]

What a horrible disease.

[Cameron]

My panic meter is at a zero.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow. You're so used to this.

[Cameron]

I mean, it happened at dinner last night. Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Cameron]

So I'm then thinking through my options, like, okay, let's move on to some green bean casserole that's more of a slimy texture to it. So surely that is going to displace the crescent roll that's currently sitting in my esophagus.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

And lubricate the esophagus.

[Cameron]

I mean, it's a logical next move. So take a nice bite of the green bean casserole.

[Dax Shepard]

Hold on. Can I pause you for one second?

[Monica Padman]

This is such a disgusting.

[Dax Shepard]

All the people are making their plates and they're chatting, and they're looking over at you, and the last thing they're thinking is, is this guy is in a deep game plan to not start choking.

[Monica Padman]

Exactly.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm sure your face did not betray you. It's not like you were telegraphing all these thoughts.

[John]

Talk.

[Monica Padman]

Can you talk when this is happening or no?

[Cameron]

Oh, yeah, I can talk. I can breathe like normal. It's a weird sensation. I'm a very reserved person, and I kind of like to take a backseat so nobody knows anything's going on at this place.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, great.

[Cameron]

Little do they know the green bean casserole is ingested and it doesn't have the relief that I'm anticipating. Instead of acting as a battering ram and pushing the crescent roll through, it is now sitting on top of.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, no, it's stacking the crescent roll.

[Cameron]

It is beginning to stack. So my panic meter is now probably a 5 out of 10.

[Monica Padman]

Okay.

[Cameron]

Luckily, I've got my ace in the hole. It's a foolproof way to clear anything that's sitting in there. The old trusty glass of water that's sitting at the table. I go and I grab the glass of water, I take a nice big swig and waiting for that relief so I can relax. And the opposite happens. Instead of. Of releasing all that food that's sitting in my esophagus, I feel it build up in the back of my throat.

[Dax Shepard]

You've got a clogged toilet on your hands now.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[John]

Yes.

[Cameron]

I needed a plunger to get rid of it.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Cameron]

That sensation I never felt before. And I could kind of hear like a gurgling sound, like a bubbling sound in the back of my throat, as if the water is trying to make its way down through some sort of gap.

[Dax Shepard]

Cameron, I can't tell you how much I would pay right now for video of this whole thing. If I had a camera trained on you, watching all these developments and just.

[Monica Padman]

Like, you keep putting stuff down.

[Dax Shepard]

Also, if I'm sitting next to a guy who just built this plate and I look over and he's guzzling a.

[Cameron]

Glass of water, it was not going well for me.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, this is a nightmare.

[Cameron]

Now my panic meter is at a 10 out of 10 because I know I'm full blown choking at this.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Cameron]

So I am starting to gasp for air. And again, I'm trying to be reserved, but I really can't at this point because I am literally choking and I can't breathe. And in between gas, I'm trying to hack up what's sitting in my throat.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, this is such a nightmare. And did you think, like, I should go to the bathroom and deal with this or.

[Cameron]

No, I was too panicked to think.

[Monica Padman]

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Cameron]

I sat where I was and was trying to handle the situation at the dinner table, which was not a good move. But my girlfriend's mother came around ready to perform the Heimlich maneuver on me. She didn't do it, and I don't know how she would have to begin with she's five foot and I'm six two. So it's a little bit of a height differential. So I'm not sure there would have been much success with that. I'm gasping for air, trying to release the food. Somehow am able to finally hack up what's lodged in my throat. But in doing so, I've kind of upset my stomach.

[Monica Padman]

Sure.

[Cameron]

And so when I dislodge all the food, I add ended up vomiting all over my dinner plate.

[Monica Padman]

Oh.

[Cameron]

Obviously causing kind of a scene. Everybody's staring at me.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, this is awful. You're two, three bites in. So you just yak like a dog.

[Monica Padman]

On the fancy formal, Thanksgiving gold trimmed plate.

[Cameron]

Yeah. It wasn't making the impression that I had set out to make.

[Dax Shepard]

And what are people saying? Like, oh, boy. Oh, wow. Is he okay? Everyone's forgotten your name at this point.

[Monica Padman]

Is that man okay?

[Dax Shepard]

Is your guest okay?

[Cameron]

There actually was some concern, thankfully, that I was okay and I didn't feel okay. I was utterly just mortified and embarrassed about what had happened. But they did their best to console me and make sure I knew that everything's okay. Just start again. So I do start again.

[Dax Shepard]

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

[Cameron]

It's out of my throat. Out. We're good to go.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. And the plate is then removed and then another plate is built.

[Cameron]

That part I don't remember specifically. All I remember is that there is a new plate that arrives.

[Dax Shepard]

I can't believe, though, everyone's like, give it a second go. I would have been like, why don't you lay down for a while and let's get you a protein shake.

[Monica Padman]

Threw up at the table. I feel like everyone would be like, I'm going to take a minute, reset. So to eat because I'm not hungry.

[Cameron]

There was no fear, and there was an eagerness to make up for sure.

[Dax Shepard]

Codependency.

[Cameron]

Yes. Yes. I've given off a bad impression. I needed to make up for that. I fill up the plate again. I start to eat, and again I feel that same sensation.

[Dax Shepard]

Of course you do, Cameron. I don't know why you thought it was going to be different. You're like, I slammed my hand in a car door and that hurt. So I was like, I got to slam this thing again.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, I'm sorry.

[Cameron]

No, I learned from my mistake, though. I didn't try to force the situation. Instead, I just quickly excused myself and I make a beeline to the closest restroom, which unfortunately was five feet from the dinner table. And So I take a sip from the faucet, try to dislodge it, and again I feel it build up. So now all I think of to do is to just simply ram my fingers down my throat and force myself to vomit.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, let's get everything out and start all over again.

[Monica Padman]

Again. New plate.

[Cameron]

Over the course of probably the next 30 or so minutes, it's a battle between me and trying to get something to pass on through. All the while I'm five feet from the dinner table while they are listening to the gagging and the vomiting that's taking place in the bathroom next door.

[Dax Shepard]

What a mess. It's like she brought a rottweiler to dinner or something.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, I'm so embarrassed. Like I feel the heat.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Yaki matte clothes. I wonder if they were like. Because this is so unconventional. Right. This is not like something people witness. I'm learning of the. This condition for the first time today that's has stricken your whole family. So I got to be honest, my thing would be like, oh, that guy was hammered and we didn't notice. Now he's in there puking on control, like he must have been faced. Oh, see, what other logical explanation?

[Monica Padman]

He's sick.

[Dax Shepard]

He's a sicky.

[Monica Padman]

He is a sick boy. And you brought him gear. And he has a stomach bug.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay. You thought he's got a bug.

[Monica Padman]

That's what I would go to if this was happening.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, okay.

[Cameron]

The story does have a happy ending. I finally was able to get something to pass through. I don't remember how long it took, but it took an inordinate amount of time.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Cameron]

And later that evening, my girlfriend at the time, when I realized that she had some genuine care that I wasn't going to die, I told her that I loved her for the first time. And then two years later we got married and we've been married ever since.

[Monica Padman]

Your children like Bucky?

[Cameron]

They like buckies. They like the Buckeyes. They like all bucks.

[Dax Shepard]

So yes, like 12.5.

[Monica Padman]

So now you've been around that family a lot.

[Cameron]

Yes. And every time they pass me the green bean casserole, it is a running joke every single year.

[Dax Shepard]

You're gonna live with that till you're dead?

[Cameron]

Unfortunately. But they were able to overcome it.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, I have one follow up question after you were in there yakking for a long, long time, so close to the dinner table, did you give up on eating that day? Does it ever get to the point where you're like, well, fuck it, we gotta try this again tomorrow. Let's answer that. And then I have a last follow up question.

[Cameron]

I just threw in the towel. I said I'm not even going to make a third attempt at eating because the first two were such a disaster.

[Dax Shepard]

Let's just drink today. Now my last question is, have any of the members of your family or yourself gone to the doctor and explained this whole thing and have they ever gandered in your throat?

[Cameron]

Yes. So it took two more instances of this happening. One was at a fancy dinner with the same my in laws.

[Monica Padman]

Oh my God.

[Cameron]

Which was a whole nother story. But I actually did go to the hospital to have it checked out. They do what's called an esophagram where you drink the barium and then they see if there's any obstruction in your esophagus.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Cameron]

And they found nothing. So I am left completely and utterly clueless to what causes this. But it is a genetic thing in my family.

[Monica Padman]

I think you should try a new doctor and tell them about the webbing. I think you have that. There's almost like little. Not spikes, but sort of that grow in. So a lot of food gets caught.

[Dax Shepard]

Ooh. Do you ever get pills lodged in your throat when you take medication?

[Cameron]

Actually, no. No. It's typically like the first bite I take of bread or a meat and then after that the muscles relax and it's not an issue.

[Monica Padman]

Interesting.

[Cameron]

So I have no idea what causes it now.

[Dax Shepard]

I almost want to think it's like ocd, like you're so afraid it's going to happen.

[Cameron]

I think that did play into it. So immediately after that Thanksgiving incident, I did have a couple other of those instances, but I have not had that since. But when it does happen, my wife and kids know what's happening. Dad just excused himself to go throw up in the bathroom.

[Monica Padman]

That is so awesome. Awful. Oh my God.

[Dax Shepard]

I can see this very much being the system in my house too. This makes a lot of sense to me. Even though it shouldn't silently leave and.

[Cameron]

Everybody knows what's happening.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, Cameron, that was a great story.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. Really good.

[Dax Shepard]

I really enjoyed that.

[Cameron]

I'm glad to share it with you guys. I listen every Friday and I love the armchair anonymous. It's a lot of fun. Hopefully somebody can relate to it. I guess.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, there might be a legion of people that are like, I pulled that at a birthday party last month.

[Monica Padman]

I think there's a big group. You.

[Cameron]

These stories make me feel normal.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes, that's the goal.

[Cameron]

I'm not alone.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, great meeting you, brother. This was so much fun.

[Cameron]

Nice meeting you too. You guys take care.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, you too. We are supported by Clavio Clavio helps brands build smarter digital relationships with their customers. And here at Armchair Expert, we know a little something about how challenging that can be. Here's how Klaviyo does it. Their unified data and marketing automation platform turns customer data into personalized connections to make every moment count across AI powered email, SMS analytics and more. Klaviyo powers smarter digital relationships for more than 151,000 successful brands including Headley & Bennett, Fishwife and Dagny dot over. Build smarter digital relationships with your customers. Visit K L A V I y o.com to make every moment count. We are supported by Amazon Prime. You might think of prime as your gateway to incredibly fast free shipping on all your Amazon orders, which it definitely is. But prime is so much more than that. Being a Prime member gives you access to prime video, Amazon music, prime gaming, Ultra fast grocery delivery and tons of other benefits.

[Monica Padman]

It's a game changer, especially during the holiday season. Want to get in the holiday spirit while relaxing at home? Press play on a holiday playlist on Amazon Music or stream a festive movie on Prime Video. You've got an instant ticket to holiday Cheer.

[Dax Shepard]

Sounds like a great night. Another way prime saves the Holidays let's say a coworker got you a holiday present and you somehow forgot to get them something, seamlessly shop for their gift on Amazon.com and then use prime to get free one day or same day delivery. So it's like they were on your gift list all along. So what are you waiting for? Become a Prime member today and get more out of whatever passions you're pursuing. Whatever you're into, it's on Prime. We are supported by Quince Tis the season of holiday gifting, but finding the perfect gift can be pretty overwhelming. For timeless gifts made from premium materials at an affordable price. Quince has your back. Quint lets you treat your loved ones and yourself to quality essentials like their Mongolian cashmere sweaters which start at just $50. That's an elevated gift at a price that won't break the bank. Or for more winter coziness, try their super soft fleece sweatpants or their packable puffer jackets. Jackets. Both perfect for anyone who's traveling for the holidays.

[Monica Padman]

Yes, okay. They also have they're called Ultra Stretch Point P O N T E Straight leg pants and they are really, really great. They're great for travel.

[Dax Shepard]

They're very cozy gift luxury this holiday season without the luxury Price tag, go to quince.comdax for 365 day returns plus free shipping on your order. Order, that's Q U I N C E.comdax to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.comdax.

[Monica Padman]

Okay, I'm going to ask my friend what the name of that disease is.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. And I'm going to tell you a story because it reminded me of it while he was talking. Or do you want me to wait till the end? Maybe I should wait till the end and we'll talk to John.

[Monica Padman]

It's up to you.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, let me tell it right now. It's very short. Short. So Thanksgiving growing up for me was always at my Pippi and grandma's house, my mom's parents, at that roadside motel you know about the Colonial motoring because they had a big conference room and we would have Thanksgiving in there. And my grandfather, my Pippi, he had polio as a kid. And the residual effect of that polio was his throat was paralyzed.

[Monica Padman]

Ooh.

[Dax Shepard]

So when he ate, it was the most grotesque thing imaginable. He would chew his food forever, then he'd take a big gulp of water, and then, Monica, he would swish the food around in his.

[Monica Padman]

Ew. Ew. Why are you doing it?

[Dax Shepard]

Because you need to know. Every bite was like. You'd hear him at the head of the table, and he'd have to, like, kind of throw his head back. And then the result of all that was it took him, like, an hour and 40 minutes to eat, and we all had to hang. That was, like, the respectful thing to do.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

You can't imagine how slow my sweet Pippy ate and the noises that were coming out. And every now and then, he'd be swishing and you'd hear there'd be some of that going on. There was so much action going on at the end of the table.

[Monica Padman]

Could he drink?

[Dax Shepard]

Did he drink alcohol?

[Monica Padman]

No. No. Was fluids.

[Dax Shepard]

That's what I'm saying. He would have to take a big gulp of water after he'd been chewing forever, then swish it around in his mouth and swallow.

[Monica Padman]

I'm asking, was he able to just, like, drink water normally?

[Dax Shepard]

That seemed to go fine. Maybe some swishing before he would swallow.

[Monica Padman]

Probably should have stuck with, like, Slim Fast or something, right?

[Dax Shepard]

But he wanted those tasty morsels and all the trimmings. Wow.

[Monica Padman]

That was disgusting.

[Dax Shepard]

It was a good opportunity for me to do my favorite person. Oh, this Thanksgiving, when you get your bird and all the trimmings Remember to hit your knees and thank the man upstairs. Take two, three hours and say your prayers. Say I'm good and say them loud. Take a couple bites.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, thank God.

[Dax Shepard]

Hello, John.

[John]

Good to see you.

[Dax Shepard]

Monica just said thank God, John, because you, you stop me from doing Wilford Brimley longer.

[John]

Oh, dear.

[Monica Padman]

It was in one of those things where it was not going to stop. Lest you appear.

[John]

Need someone to step in.

[Dax Shepard]

And where are you?

[John]

I'm in Uniontown, Ohio. So northeast Ohio, home of our favorite place, Cedar Points.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[John]

America's Roller Coast.

[Dax Shepard]

You know it? Well, we just spoke to a buck guy who's down in Cincy.

[John]

This story takes place in Cincinnati.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh my. What if, what if John was at this Thanksgiving, my sister brought home this guy?

[Monica Padman]

Yep.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[John]

No, but not to leave Monica out. The in laws in this story actually lived in Swanee, Georgia.

[Monica Padman]

No way.

[John]

You got us all gotta cover everybody.

[Dax Shepard]

Six Flags Over Georgia meets Cedar Point.

[Monica Padman]

Six Flags doesn't mean it buys.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, well, okay, let's not talk about that. It's not kind and it's not polite. Okay, what year? What happened? Walk us through it, John.

[John]

2018. We're in Cincinnati, Ohio. My wife and I got married in 2008. So we had been married for about 10 years at this time. We had children. We had been traveling back and forth between families. My family's in Northeast Ohio. I'm about fourth generation from a small town, so they're all located up there. And my wife's family had moved around quite a bit. Grown growing up from her father in sales. So they were in Georgia and my sister in law was in Cincinnati. So when we had no kids, it was no big deal. Going back and forth to Georgia from Ohio, throw kids in the mix, that becomes no fun. We start saying everybody meet in Cincinnati and everybody's happy. It's a neutral ground. Thanksgiving one year with her family, Christmas that year with my family, flip flop the next year.

[Dax Shepard]

Nice and clean.

[John]

Yes. So I have two sons. My sister in law had one son at the time. Keeping the kids entertained during the preparation of Thanksgiving is not always an easy task. So we try to find something fun for everybody to do. My brother in law is a pretty active guy. He's in law enforcement. So he's like, hey, they're putting in this new bicycle park in a nearby town. I think it'd be great. We get all the boys loaded up, take the bikes over, keep everybody entertained before Thanksgiving dinner. We'll come home, everybody will be hungry. Great. We've decided on this about A week prior to Thanksgiving. So I'm thinking, all right, this is my chance. Bring up my childhood roots. You know, I grew up riding BMX and hitting jumps and, and doing all this stuff. So I'm like, dad's gonna rule this Thanksgiving.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, 30 years ago I used to be able to do this great thing.

[John]

I stopped riding, but I was 13 years old so you know, no big deal, I still got it. So I look on my favorite place, Facebook, marketplace, I'm gonna go pick up a cheap bike. I'm gonna take it down. I'm gonna rule Thanksgiving. I find this non descript bike for 50 bucks and I'm like, oh, this is a no brainer.

[Dax Shepard]

And is it a BMX bike?

[John]

Oh yeah, it's actually a pretty nice bike. Raised some flags at the time but I was like this dude wants to get rid of it. And I'm pumped. I'm ready to, you know, there. And these kids don't know what's in for. They're going to see it. So we get down to Cincinnati and we have an easygoing evening that night. Wake up the next morning, bikes and everything get loaded in my brother in law's Honda Pilot and we head over to the bike park. So we get there and as I mentioned, this is a new bike park at the time so new that everything is muddy. There's no grass, there's no nothing. It is pure swampy mud with beautiful asphalt blacktop track.

[Dax Shepard]

So it's a pump track?

[John]

Yep. Half of the area is like a real mellow pump track for kids. And my young nephew at the time was on one of those strider bikes where you pushing with the feet, no pedals. I'm like oh this will be perfect. And then over to the side is like the X Games factor. That's like the jumps and all the stuff. So we start off on the pump track and the adults are of standing around. It's my father in law and I and my brother in law and the three kids and there's a couple people coming and going, but it's pretty mellow. There's not a lot of people there. My oldest son at the time was about 7 and he tires quickly of the pump track. He's like this is lame. So we go over to the real jumps and I'm like oh get ready, it's coming. And the kids are kind of moseying around the track and I'm thinking to myself now I know when I was young and coming around jumps, people would go over the tabletops and they Were getting air.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, hit the doubles, hit the triples.

[John]

You gotta show off.

[Dax Shepard]

That's right. That's why you're there.

[John]

I'm like, hey, let's back up. Let's let dad step in here. So I'm thinking this is my time to shine. So I roll up to the first jump. So I push off and go down this incline and it immediately goes to a tabletop jump. And I'm like, all right. I start pumping. Well, when I was 13, I was 115 pounds soaking wet. Now I'm a full grown man on a child sized bicycle. There's a lot of momentum.

[Dax Shepard]

Your center of gravity is changed greatly.

[John]

I go down the track and I immediately realize I've got too much speed. This is not going to go well. So I hit the jump and attempt to adjust in air and for whatever reason, I overcorrect the handlebars, go in a 90 degree angle. I hit the ground and the front tire smashes the ground and the handlebar goes into my left thigh and crash into the muddy ground grass next to. Luckily I had a helmet on. Thank God.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm shocked.

[John]

Yeah, my brother in law kind of wanders over and he's like, oh man, you ate it hard, didn't you? And I was like, it's not good. So I go to stand up and immediately feel blood rushing down my leg.

[Monica Padman]

Oh.

[John]

And I sit down and in an attempt to self preservation, jam my thumb into this gaping hole that's in my thigh.

[Dax Shepard]

Really quick. So you have a puncture the diameter of the end of the handlebar?

[John]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

Holy. So for the listener who's not been on a bike recently, that's like a half dollar.

[John]

Yep. And I was so kind as to send some photographs.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, shit.

[John]

Oh, it's all those.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, should we wait to look at them or should we look at them now?

[John]

You can look at them now.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Okay.

[John]

It's going to be graphic now or later.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. So I'm looking at a handlebar with some gore. Some fucking literal meat. First of all. Okay, John, this bike doesn't even have grips on it, does it? It's just got tape.

[John]

It has grips. The distance you're seeing is how far into my leg it went.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh my God, there's so much meat on the handle.

[Monica Padman]

Stop saying meat. Stop.

[John]

Well, what else would you describe that as?

[Dax Shepard]

It looks like fucking ground beef.

[Monica Padman]

Oh my.

[John]

There was a bruise on my butt. It went so deep.

[Dax Shepard]

Wait, it went through your thigh and pushed out your butt cheek?

[John]

It did not go all the way through, but there was discoloration.

[Dax Shepard]

How close were you to your femoral artery?

[John]

That's where we get to in the story.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh.

[John]

So.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh my God. I'm going to stop you for half a second and say, John, I'm so proud of your bravery because to humiliate yourself in front of your children, it's a unique low point in embarrassment. It's really hard to ever discuss again. So I just applaud you so far.

[John]

So I am there laying in a heap on the ground with my thumb in my thigh and trying to get everything under control. And my children have run up to me in tears. Dad's on the ground, he's hurt. Oh no, Dad's gonna die. And I'm like, everything's fine. Stop crying.

[Monica Padman]

Stop being a baby.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm not crying.

[John]

There was a lot of things going on. And luckily my brother in law, being in law enforcement had been in tourniquet training about two weeks prior to this. So he immediately comes John Rambo over, rips his belt off, throws it around my leg and start cinching up the tourniquet. I'm going to call 911, tells my father in law, keep pressure on it.

[Monica Padman]

Are you feeling woozy? Are you feeling like you're starting to lose it?

[John]

I was 100% in shock. I don't remember feeling much pain. I was just trying to tell the kids to quit crying and be like, it's fine, it's no big deal.

[Dax Shepard]

And being further emasculated by your already cool cop brother in law who's now saving you on top of everything.

[John]

Of course, I'm a traveling salesman living on an expense account with a belt line to show it and he's coming to save the day. So yeah, he requested use an anonymous name since he isn't in law enforcement. And to reference our childhood bmx, favorite movie was Crew Jones.

[Dax Shepard]

Is that from Rad Rad? Oh yeah, with the preposterous ending set piece. Yeah, with cereal bowls and spoons. How about the loving dance scene? Monica? Oh, it's all monkey.

[John]

The bicycle dance scene is this movie.

[Dax Shepard]

The studio was like, okay. There's this huge rage among kids. It's bmx. They need a movie.

[John]

And pause.

[Monica Padman]

It's Aunt Becky, Lori Laughlin. Massimo.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. So they're like, we gotta serve them up a BMX movie, but it's gotta also be a movie. So they fall in love. And there's this romantic dance bike scene in a dance studio. In the song is Send Me an Angel.

[John]

It's terrible.

[Dax Shepard]

Send me an angel.

[John]

It was in their high school gym.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, it was in the gym. I thought it was. She was doing like ballet and he wheelied in.

[John]

It was so corny.

[Dax Shepard]

But we still watch it and loved it.

[John]

Yeah, we love it. So brother in law comes up with the belt, we cinch it off, everything's great. Father in law has his hands on it and I'm noticing his hands are shaking. To which I'm like, this probably is a little worse than I'm letting on.

[Dax Shepard]

What if you go? Kids resume crying. You were right.

[Monica Padman]

Didn't mean to gaslight you. This is very serious.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, this might be my last time with you. Let's hug and cry.

[John]

Brother in law is calling 911. The ambulance shows up and they have to install a proper tourniquet. When they arrive and get me suitable to move and they get me on this portable, kind of like a wheelchair, kind of like a.

[Monica Padman]

Looks like a gurney ish on this picture.

[John]

And that was kind of their off road thing. And right in that picture, I'm getting ready to transfer onto the gurney that goes in the ambulance. So they throw me in the ambulance and that other picture is me from inside. I have the wherewithal to pull out my phone and think I need to message my parents and tell them, hey, happy Thanksgiving. So EMT looks at me and she goes, how's the pain? And I was like, fine. And she's like, I'm going to give you some fentanyl. This is 2018 and all you hear about fentanyl is, everybody's dying, especially in Ohio.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, exactly.

[John]

And I'm like, well, don't give me too much.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[John]

Is this really necessary?

[Dax Shepard]

We were so similar in this story until.

[Monica Padman]

No, I like this part that you're aware, like, oh, boy.

[Dax Shepard]

When she asked me, I would have said 11 out of 10. Let's go.

[John]

So we head off to the hospital and I'm coherent the whole time and to the side. My brother in law loads us all in and calls my wife and says, hey, we're coming back from the bike park. I've got all the kids. John is on his way to the hospital. You and your sister should go and meet him there. And that's it. My wife immediately goes white. Off to the hospital they go. I arrive at the hospital the same time she's arriving. And in her recollection when I arrived, I was gray. She said, I look like wet cardboard. The doctor's like, so how much blood did you lose? And I was like, I failed to measure how many Cups of blood I lost. And he looked at the other doctor and she said, yeah. The EMT said, he's kind of a comedian. Their first concern is the femoral artery. And they're like, holy cow, we take this turn off, are we going to lose him? And you know, so they send me off to CT scan. The guy said, it couldn't have been more perfectly placed.

[Dax Shepard]

Silver lining.

[John]

So it went in, missed my femoral artery, missed my femur bone. Basically just hit all meat again. And then basically the guy comes back, he said, we're in good shape. All we got to do is stitch you up, staple you up, we're good to go. Oh, and we get back to the house. From what everybody tells me, I basically came in, said happy Thanksgiving to everybody, went on the couch and passed out, missed all of Thanksgiving dinner.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[John]

Wake up the next morning and hear way to go. My wife kind of giving me the hey, thanks for scaring me to death, and sorry. And we're swearing off athletic activities from here on.

[Dax Shepard]

Repairing the relationship with the children.

[John]

Doing my best to try to say, hey, our kids won't need therapy forever. It'll be okay. And my thought the next day is, I cheated death. I'm a hero. Oh, wow.

[Dax Shepard]

What a wow, wow, wow, wow.

[Monica Padman]

You really flipped the core.

[John]

Thinking I am going to take these handlebars and I'm going to have to mount them in some place and be like, you know, look at these. And my wife's like, I want nothing to do with this bike. I want this bike out of here. I don't want to ever see it again. On the way home, I list the bike for sale on Marketplace and two days later I get a message and the guy's like, that bike looks a lot like my bike. And he's identifying some of the key components of the bike. Come to find out this flipping bike is stolen.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, no.

[John]

Cursed from the jump. Been inside my body. And I'm like, dude, I don't even want any money for it. Take it. And my brother in law, I called him right away when I got off the phone with this guy and gave him his bike back. And he's like, well, did you tell him what happened? And I was like, no, no, I left that part out.

[Dax Shepard]

Sure. He doesn't really need to know.

[Monica Padman]

He doesn't need to know. It's full of meat.

[John]

It had been through a lot in time. When it was out of his possession.

[Dax Shepard]

He probably was like, this is so weird. This guy was clearly keeping the bike in his kitchen and he Was making hamburgers and the bike fell over into the ground round. And he didn't clean it up. What a jerk. That's probably what he thought.

[John]

When I got back to work after Thanksgiving, I was sharing the photos and the story with everybody at work, and I gained the kind nickname of meat plug from all the loving co workers.

[Monica Padman]

You'd think you'd hear more more meat stories on Thanksgiving, but.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, I guess in that way it is. Rant. Wow, John. What a great dad story. That's a real dad story. Classic dad moms aren't ever going, like, I'm gonna show them how good I was at 15 at this thing. No, doesn't really happen.

[John]

They're a little too wise, I think. Do you have a moment for me to invite my better half to say hello?

[Dax Shepard]

Of course.

[John]

This is my wife, Lindsay.

[Dax Shepard]

Hi, Lindsay.

[Nicole]

Hi.

[Eva]

Nice to meet you.

[Dax Shepard]

Did you find that retelling of the story? To be honest? Did you agree? Agree with most of what you heard?

[Eva]

100%.

[Monica Padman]

Every time he retells it, I automatically get sick to my stomach and want to cry because it was literally the worst day ever.

[Cameron]

Oh, yeah.

[Monica Padman]

I'm sorry you went through that.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. That's not the ideal Thanksgiving.

[Eva]

No, no, not at all.

[Nicole]

So now we just take it easy on Thanksgiving.

[Monica Padman]

We don't go anywhere. Lesson learned.

[Dax Shepard]

We chill, ride the couch, eat some food, watch the football. Not a time to be a hero.

[Monica Padman]

Nope, not at all.

[Dax Shepard]

That's fourth of July in fireworks. That's when a dad should get into hero mode.

[Monica Padman]

Don't pass that along.

[Eva]

Well, thank you guys so much.

[Dax Shepard]

Lovely meeting you.

[Eva]

Nice to meet you too.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, take care. Happy Thanksgiving.

[Cameron]

Thanks.

[Eva]

You too.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, thank you, John.

[Monica Padman]

That was great with us. We appreciate it.

[John]

Long time listener. Happy to be here.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, wonderful. We'll have a great Thanksgiving and take it nice and slow and back it down from there.

[John]

We'll do.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, take care.

[John]

Thanks, guys.

[Dax Shepard]

Bye.

[Monica Padman]

Wow, wow, wow. Out.

[Dax Shepard]

Your dad never pulled any of that kind of.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, no. That's why I think saying dads in general, maybe not men.

[Dax Shepard]

Men, sure. But dads, they're trying to impress their kids. Back to Pip and my Thanksgiving, the other thing that would happen is we would play football on Thanksgiving.

[Monica Padman]

Sure. That's a big tradition for people. Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. The roadside motel had a huge field in back and we would all play. It was generally snowing and it was cold. Old. And yeah. Uncles and grandparents, they went too hard. There was generally injuries.

[Monica Padman]

Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

Because you're trying to be your 20 year old self where you played football every day, and now you play once a year on Thanksgiving when there's snow on the ground.

[Monica Padman]

It's like when you guys play volleyball.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, volleyball. Very similar. Or roller skating.

[Monica Padman]

You guys are all, like, really limping around.

[Dax Shepard]

Yep. Takes us out for a bit. Okay, let's talk to Nicole. Hi there.

[Monica Padman]

Hi.

[Eva]

How are you guys? It's so good to see you.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, it's wonderful to see you. Where are you?

[Eva]

I am on a ship in the middle. Middle of the Pacific Ocean right now.

[Dax Shepard]

No way.

[Monica Padman]

You're on a cruise or.

[Dax Shepard]

No, this is more like a military situation.

[Eva]

I'm on a research ship.

[Nicole]

What?

[Monica Padman]

This is so cool.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God. What if we saw a whale leap out of the water?

[Eva]

We're, like, really far away from everything. We are 1500 miles from Hawaii, south east, basically right on the equator.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my gosh.

[Monica Padman]

This is so exciting.

[Dax Shepard]

What do you research? Searching.

[Eva]

So we're all physical oceanographers, so we study currents and internal waves and mixing in the ocean. On this trip, there's something called tropical instability waves at the equator. If you Google image it, you can see these swirly features right at the equator. Do you want to know how they work?

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. Does that have something to do with the hemisphere? Tell me. I'm not going to guess.

[Eva]

At the equator, there's currents that are going in different directions. So right at the equator in the Pacific, you've got water that's moving westward, so towards Indonesia, but then right north of it at. And then also below it, like, deep. The water is going the opposite direction towards South America. But also right at the equator, you get this thing called upwelling, where there's, like, cold water that comes to the surface. So now imagine you've got a jet of cold water going one way and warm water on the sides. And so it creates this shear and it makes all these cool big eddy features. And we're basically interested in what that does to the ocean and mixing and the climate.

[Nicole]

Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

Does El Nino come from there?

[Eva]

It's kind of everywhere, but, yeah. You often hear about the equatorial Pacific, and these features show up during La Nina years more than we happen to be in a La Nina year.

[Dax Shepard]

And how long will you be.

[Monica Padman]

So cool.

[Dax Shepard]

How long will you be on this boat? And do you ever freak out at all that you're so far from land?

[Eva]

Sometimes I freak out a little. On this particular cruise, I had to get an emergency root canal like the day before. So I was a little freaked out that something would get infected. And we're six Days from land.

[Monica Padman]

Oh God, that's scary.

[Dax Shepard]

Six days from land.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, I hated that sentence.

[Eva]

But generally I have the utmost confidence in the crew and everyone knows what they're doing.

[Dax Shepard]

And then last question about this. How long will you be out on this particular research project?

[Eva]

About a month. We left on election day, November 5th. We'll be back December 8th.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow. So you'll be having Thanksgiving at sea.

[Eva]

I will be having Thanksgiving at sea.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. All right. So hit us with your crazy Thanksgiving.

[Eva]

Okay, so this Thanksgiving was back in 2007. I'm a senior in college at UC Santa Barbara.

[Monica Padman]

Oh.

[Dax Shepard]

IV DP Halloween.

[Eva]

Women in Isla Vista. Exactly. The day before Thanksgiving. So ordinarily I'd be driving up to my parents house in the Bay Area, like a five hour drive. But I had a physics lab in the afternoon.

[Dax Shepard]

Ooh. On the Wednesday before Thanksgiving.

[Monica Padman]

That's rude.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, that is rude.

[Eva]

It was so rude. I was like, okay, okay, I'll just wake up super early the next morning, get on the road at 5am it was kind of weird because the whole town is shut down. Isla Vista is a college town, right? So everybody is gone for Thanksgiving. The 24 hour burrito place is closed. But I was like, whatever. This is great. It's been a long quarter. I'm exhausted. It'll be so nice to like have an early night. So I packed my car ahead of time. I set the coffee maker, I set my alarm clock on my flip phone and stuck it outside my my bedroom just in the hallway so I'd have to get up and get going. The next morning we'll switch perspectives to my parents point of view. My dad wakes up at 6 or 6:30 and hasn't heard from me yet. But he's like, whatever. She just either didn't text or she's still sleeping because he knows that it can take me like a minute to wake up. It takes me a while to become a human in the morning. Very recently, I'd say in the last year or two, he's finally learned that he shouldn't approach me before I've metabolized some coffee in the morning. Because he's just setting himself up for rejection.

[Dax Shepard]

I live with you. So yeah, I'm very familiar with this. I bet.

[Eva]

But once I've had my coffee and I like sat for a while, then you can come in and you'll get a nice reciprocated hug. It'll be great. My mom wakes up at 8 and she's like, did you hear from Nick? Is she on the road? And he's like, no, I haven't heard from her. And she's like, what? She was supposed to start driving three hours ago. That's kind of weird. It's Thanksgiving. She was excited to come start cooking. And she starts calling me and I don't answer and she texts and I don't answer. And then she's like freaking out because she was not really happy with the fact that I was going to be totally alone the night before. She was a little freaked out that it was going to be this ghost town. And she starts tracking down some of my housemates phone numbers to see if she can get in touch with me. And through talking to them they find out that one of my next door neighbors stayed in town the night before too. So give her a call. And she comes over and knocks on my door to see if I'm there and doesn't hear anything. So now my mom's really freaking out.

[Monica Padman]

Your car was still there, I assume.

[Eva]

Car is parked in the back.

[Monica Padman]

Oh.

[Eva]

She decides to call campus police and she's like, I know it's way too soon to be putting out a missing person's report, but I'm just wondering. And I think because they're campus police and I live a block from campus and there's nothing happening on campus, they agree to go check on me. And they start asking my mom all these questions like, what kind of car does she drive? Has she been depressed or just like not really herself lately? Has she started seeing anybody new? Anything out of the ordinary? And my mom's just coming up with all these scenarios in her head like, what happened? So they come over and start pounding on the door. Nothing. Start like shouting my name, nothing. And eventually, Bry, open the living room window. I live on the second floor, so they have to like go over the rail and open the window. And they come in and find my bedroom. And this is where I reenter the story because I just woke up to two cops standing in my doorway. Nicole, Are you Nicole?

[Monica Padman]

Oh my God.

[Eva]

My initial reaction is the house is on fire. And I look over and I see that it's 9:30 in the morning. And I'm just like, shit, four and.

[Dax Shepard]

A half hours past your alarm.

[Eva]

Four and a half hours.

[Dax Shepard]

Whoa.

[Eva]

And I just immediately know as they're saying, your mom's really worried about you. I'm just like, yeah, I bet. I like specifically remember this feeling of trying to be respectful and sit up because these guys have gone out of their way to wake me up, which is not part of their Job description? I don't think.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah.

[Eva]

But I was like wearing this shirt that I knew just totally fell and exposed me. So I was just like, I can't get up. So I'm just lying there like, thank you, I'm so sorry. And they just kind of shuffled and I go and pick up my phone and there are 37 missed calls and texts. And so I immediately call my mom and she tells me this whole story. And at first I'm like, my phone, like, must not have been on. But then I'm like, no. But that doesn't explain the banging and yelling of my name. I just am a really excellent sleeper.

[Dax Shepard]

I'll say. Wow. Oh, yeah. I couldn't even go two hours past a known wake up time, much less four. And then people banging. And then presumably. Was your alarm going off in the hallway?

[Eva]

It wasn't going off.

[Monica Padman]

No.

[Eva]

I think it was one of those things where it just goes off for a minute and then you're on your own.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. It gave up at some point.

[Monica Padman]

It was a flippy.

[Eva]

I think so. It was 2007 technology.

[Dax Shepard]

I would have guessed too. Maybe you set it for pm. That's a mistake I make occasionally.

[Monica Padman]

That as well, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

It's an easy mistake.

[Eva]

That's why my phone's always on military time.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

To prevent that. That's a smart move. So did you get in the car at 9:30 all panicked and then race home? Did you make it?

[Eva]

Yeah. And I'm so anxious the whole time. Yeah, I made it for Thanksgiving, but I felt so bad because I was like, I was supposed to help Hook, not just like roll in.

[Dax Shepard]

When you got there, did they go, nick, are you using drugs? Were they perplexed by this enormous sleep in?

[Eva]

My mom did say when I called her on the road, I was like, mom, they looked really mad and she's like, well, they probably thought you were on drugs. Like, nobody can do that. But no, they know me. I've never consumed any drugs in my life. I was just really good at sleeping.

[Monica Padman]

Did you have a flu shot the day before?

[Eva]

I'm thinking that it was like, you know when you're at the end of the semester and you're like in finals week and you're just pushing through, pushing through. And then the second your last final ends and you're so excited to go on break, you just get sick.

[Monica Padman]

Yes.

[Eva]

Yeah, I'm thinking it was that phenomenon.

[Monica Padman]

I think it was that. Plus, this is the fault of the physics lab.

[Dax Shepard]

Is that what it was?

[Eva]

Physics lab?

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Although I'm gonna now say I resisted the urge to tell you at the beginning of this story. But you and I are so opposite. So I would never choose to wake up super early to do a drive. I'd way rather drive at night. I would have definitely left the night before so I could wake up at home and all this.

[Eva]

I'm definitely morning. My brain kind of stops working at some point in the evening and like, it doesn't make sense for me to push on. I'd rather wake up at 3am, which.

[Dax Shepard]

Means 7:30 with your conversion exact.

[Nicole]

Exactly.

[Monica Padman]

Exactly.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, your poor mother. Thanksgiving, she had four hours of thinking you were.

[Monica Padman]

Well, no, that's scary.

[Dax Shepard]

No, she only had an hour. They Woke up at 9:30.

[Monica Padman]

That's a long hour and a half.

[Eva]

She was clearly mad. But you can't really be mad at somebody for being unconscious. So there's like nothing to really do about that.

[Dax Shepard]

You just gotta be mad at your husband at that point. That's the time to return it.

[Monica Padman]

Transfer. Oh my God.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, well, Nicole, I'm glad you survived that. You survived your nap, I guess. Is that.

[Eva]

Thank you so much. That's really kind.

[Monica Padman]

You needed the sleep.

[Dax Shepard]

Come on, guys. Everyone get off my back.

[Eva]

Women need a lot of sleep.

[Monica Padman]

That's the thing is you guys are acting like 9:30. So crazy.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, it's not crazy unless you've set your alarm for five.

[Monica Padman]

Right? That's true, that's true.

[Dax Shepard]

And you went to bed at 9.

[Monica Padman]

Remember one time though, the night I got my Covid Booster at like 11:30, I woke up to banging and you were at my door. Do you remember that?

[Dax Shepard]

You don't remember?

[Monica Padman]

But a bunch of people. Bunch of people were calling.

[Dax Shepard]

Was this when you also had the broken TV on your ground?

[Monica Padman]

That was a different time.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, Jesus Christ. One of another false alarm.

[Monica Padman]

Everyone was panicked, but eventually I guess I heard the door banging. But I probably wouldn't have if I wasn't already coming out of sleep. Or like maybe you were coming out of it at 9:30 when you're in.

[Eva]

That deep sleep REM cycle. Maybe Dax, you just never reached.

[Dax Shepard]

I think that is the case. Yeah. I don't think I'm ever there. I'm waiting to be attacked. Oh, well, Nicole, thanks for telling us that story. And I wish you guys a wonderful. Is there a good Thanksgiving plan for the ship?

[Eva]

There's three cooks on board that keep us very happy every day. And I'm sure they'll have something special for Thanksgiving.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, how about Drinky poo? Is there drinky poo on the boat?

[Eva]

There's none on the boat.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Eva]

None on U.S. research vessels. I worked on a British vessel a couple years ago, and you were allowed two units per day, which were like the equivalent of like a 3 or 4% beer probably.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, cool. Well, Nicole, thank you so much for telling us that story. It was great to meet you.

[Eva]

Yeah, you too.

[Dax Shepard]

Take care. Wow, man. We just talked to somebody on a research trip.

[Monica Padman]

Was cool.

[Dax Shepard]

Very. Her Internet was banging, too.

[Monica Padman]

I know.

[Dax Shepard]

We talked to a lot of home.

[Monica Padman]

D. All these people who act like their Internet's bad. It's like our boat lady had great Internet.

[Dax Shepard]

She's 1200 miles from land. She had stellar Internet.

[Monica Padman]

No more excuses, guys.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Happy Thanksgiving. Oh, yeah. Happy Thanksgiving.

[Monica Padman]

What do you want to say? Anything else?

[Dax Shepard]

No, it's more of a downer. I was thinking I've missed a couple things, but it wasn't because of sleeping in, you know, it was because of addiction. I showed up way too late to Christmas Eve one year, and I missed my birthday one year.

[Monica Padman]

At least it was your birthday.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, but it was rough because the messages were like, happy birthday, buddy. And then the next.

[Monica Padman]

What do you mean? You slept through the whole day?

[Cameron]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, I probably went to bed at like nine in the morning on the morning of my birthday at Aaron's house. And then the messages went from happy birthday to where are you? Yeah, I was bad.

[Monica Padman]

I'm glad you're sober.

[Dax Shepard]

Me too. Happy birthday.

[Monica Padman]

Thanks for your birthday.

[Dax Shepard]

I love you.

[Monica Padman]

I love you.

[John]

Do you want to sing a tune or something? We know a theme song.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions and we're the help of arm Jerry's book and some suggestions on the fly rind dish. On the fly rind dish. Enjoy. Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondry app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short [e-mail] survey.

[Lindsay]

Hello, ladies and germs, boys and girls. The Grinch is back again to ruin your Christmas season with Tis the Grinch Holiday Podcast. After last year, he's learned a thing or two about hosting, and he's ready to rant against Christmas cheer and roast his celebrity guests like chestnuts on an open fire. You can listen with the whole family as guest stars like Jon Hamm, Brittany Broski, and Danny DeVito try to persuade the mean old Grinch that there's a lot to love about the insufferable holiday season. But that's not all. Somebody stole all the children of Whoville's letters to Santa, and everybody thinks the Grinch is responsible. It's a real Whoville who done it. Can Cindy Lou and Max help clear the Grinch's name? Grab your hot cocoa and cozy slippers to find out. Follow Tis the Grinch Holiday Podcast on the Wondery App or wherever you get your podcasts. Unlock weekly Christmas mystery bonus content and listen to every episode ad free by joining Wondery plus in the Wondery App, Spotify or Apple Podcasts.