Armchair Anonymous: Unauthorized Evacuation

Summary

Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard: Episode Summary – "Armchair Anonymous: Unauthorized Evacuation"

Release Date: January 17, 2025

In this compelling episode of Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard, titled "Armchair Anonymous: Unauthorized Evacuation," host Dax Shepard delves into the intimate and often humorous world of personal mishaps related to unexpected bodily functions. Joined by co-host Monica Padman, the episode features heartfelt and hilarious stories from guests who share their most embarrassing moments, highlighting the universal challenges of being human.

---

Introduction

[00:18] Monica Padman:
“We try to use it sparingly, but every time we use this prompt, it somehow blows past episodes that can't be blown past.”

Dax introduces the episode’s theme centered around “Armchair Anonymous,” a segment where guests recount their most cringe-worthy accidents. This episode promises a blend of vulnerability, humor, and relatable experiences as listeners hear raw and honest stories.

---

Story 1: Mike’s Unfortunate Incident at UMass Amherst

[03:02] Mike:
“So it took place in 2010, 2011. I was a sophomore, junior in college at UMass Amherst...”

Overview:
Mike, a student employee at UMass Amherst’s renowned dining common, shares his harrowing experience of an unexpected bathroom accident fueled by the spicy dishes he was serving. Working at the sushi and teppanyaki stations, Mike enjoyed the rich flavors but underestimated the effects of gochujang, a spicy paste that left him battling sudden and urgent digestive distress.

Key Moments:

• [04:35] Dax Shepard:
  “I know, but still, I thought you were dying. So may you find your way to heaven.”

  Dax humorously expresses concern over Mike’s towering height (6’9”) complicating his predicament in a cramped laundry room.

• [07:32] Mike:
  “The cork has been popped. Lava flows out.”

  Mike candidly describes the moment when his accident became inevitable, leading to immediate panic and a desperate search for a secluded space.

• [08:32] Mike:
  “I shoved the bottom of the pants into the shoes. So we're hopefully a self-contained system here.”

  Demonstrating quick thinking, Mike attempts to contain the mess, though the effort only underscores the severity of the situation.

Host Reactions:

Monica and Dax react with a mixture of empathy and amusement, showcasing the delicate balance of handling such personal stories with care and humor.

---

Story 2: Stacia’s Period Accident at Baskin Robbins

[29:30] Stacia:
“I reached my climax. Almost immediately after that, it started to feel very wet down there...”

Overview:
Stacia recounts a deeply embarrassing incident that occurred during her senior year while managing a Baskin Robbins store in Murfreesboro, Tennessee. Juggling the responsibilities of a shift leader with the discomfort of starting her period, Stacia experiences a sudden and uncontrollable accident amidst a hectic summer shift.

Key Moments:

• [30:40] Stacia:
  “And I just hear him yell, oh, my God.”

  Describing the immediate aftermath, Stacia’s partner reacts with shock and confusion, leading to a tumultuous response as they attempt to manage the mess discreetly.

• [35:33] Grace:
  “It's like my asshole exploded.”

  Grace, another guest sharing her story, metaphorically illustrates the chaos of the situation, drawing a parallel to havekitchen disasters to convey the extent of the accident.

• [36:22] Monica Padman:
  “Did you consider saying, oh, my God, babe, you everywhere, Jack.”

  Monica offers comedic relief while exploring the emotional turmoil Stacia faces in trying to salvage the situation without further embarrassment.

Host Reactions:

Dax and Monica navigate the story with compassion, blending humor to alleviate the tension while acknowledging the genuine distress experienced by Stacia.

---

Story 3: Grace’s Multiple Mishaps at Baskin Robbins

[47:43] Dax Shepard:
“There's nothing to be nervous about. Anyone who says they haven't shit their pants is a liar.”

Overview:
Grace shares her own series of unfortunate events during a summer shift at Baskin Robbins, exacerbated by intense heat and physical discomfort from her period. While attempting to manage a spilled milkshake and a sudden gastrointestinal issue, Grace finds herself in an almost comedic yet mortifying situation.

Key Moments:

• [52:00] Grace:
  “I just sprinting as fast as I can. And I get to the bathroom and someone is in there.”

  Highlighting the urgency and frantic nature of her efforts to address the mess without drawing attention.

• [54:24] Dax Shepard:
  “I remember these are all the details.”

  Dax’s reaction underscores the raw honesty and detailed nature of Grace’s recounting, bridging the gap between humor and genuine mishap.

• [56:17] Dax Shepard:
  “It could have also been under the heading, like, tell us about the worst day.”

  Reflecting on how Grace’s story fits into the broader theme of overcoming devastating personal moments.

Host Reactions:

Monica and Dax engage deeply with Grace’s story, empathizing with her plight while maintaining a light-hearted tone to navigate the sensitive subject matter.

---

Reflections and Insights

Throughout the episode, Dax and Monica emphasize the importance of vulnerability and the shared human experience of facing embarrassing moments. They highlight how these stories, while cringe-inducing, serve as powerful reminders of our interconnectedness and ability to find humor in adversity.

Notable Quotes:

• [25:01] Susie:
  “Sadly, a lot of people saw what happened.”

• [41:22] Dax Shepard:
  “Be careful who you judge. That's the lesson of this story.”

• [44:20] Stacia:
  “And it gets a little worse because I realize that now I'm still covered in shit...”

These quotes encapsulate the central themes of embarrassment, resilience, and the universal nature of human flaws.

---

Conclusion

[57:00] Dax Shepard:
“But waders are ideal to shit yourself in. You're wearing a toilet, basically.”

As the episode draws to a close, Dax and Monica reflect on the shared stories, celebrating the guests’ courage in exposing their most embarrassing moments. They underscore the therapeutic value of storytelling, offering listeners both laughter and solace in knowing they are not alone in their own mishaps.

Final Thoughts:

The episode wraps up with heartfelt appreciation for the guests, reinforcing the podcast’s mission to explore the messy, beautiful realities of being human. Through laughter and empathy, "Armchair Anonymous: Unauthorized Evacuation" delivers a powerful message about the strength found in vulnerability and the importance of embracing our imperfections.

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• [07:32] Mike:
  “The cork has been popped. Lava flows out.”

• [25:01] Susie:
  “Sadly, a lot of people saw what happened.”

• [41:22] Dax Shepard:
  “Be careful who you judge. That's the lesson of this story.”

• [57:00] Dax Shepard:
  “But waders are ideal to shit yourself in. You're wearing a toilet, basically.”

---

This episode of Armchair Expert masterfully balances humor and empathy, providing a space for guests to share their most vulnerable moments while offering listeners both entertainment and a sense of camaraderie in their shared human experiences.

Transcript

[Dax Shepard]

Wondry plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free right now. Join Wondry plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard and I'm joined by Lily Padman.

[Monica Padman]

Hi.

[Dax Shepard]

Hi. Today we have our very favorite prompt. We try to use it sparingly, but every time we use it I go, I don't know why we don't use it more because this one, this one somehow blew past episodes that can't be blown past.

[Monica Padman]

I agree. There's the potential that we heard the craziest story we've heard or the most the shocking all is. And also this particular group of armchairs. All four were incredible.

[Dax Shepard]

They were incredible.

[Monica Padman]

Really special, fun group.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm even like thinking about trying to develop a friendship with the last person.

[Monica Padman]

Excuse me.

[Dax Shepard]

Bless your heart.

[Monica Padman]

It was a cough.

[Dax Shepard]

I know, but still, I thought you were dying. So may you find your way to heaven. Take him into your heart. In his name we pray.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, stop.

[Dax Shepard]

He has risen. Yeah, this one is fucking unhinged. Can we say that? I guess we can't say crazy, but can we say unhinged?

[Monica Padman]

It's so good.

[Dax Shepard]

It's so, so good. Please enjoy potential arabesque unauthorized evacuation. If you love iPhone, you'll love Apple Card. It comes with the privacy and security you expect from Apple PL. Plus, you earn up to 3% daily cash back on every purchase, which can automatically earn interest when you open a high Yield savings account through Apple Card. Apply for Apple Card in the Wallet app, subject to credit approval. Savings is available to Apple Card owners subject to eligibility. Apple Card and Savings by Goldman Sachs Bank USA Salt Lake City Branch Member, FDIC terms and [e-mail] we are supported by Allstate. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate firms first. Like, you know, check that you have all the ingredients for a recipe before you start cooking dinner, or checking if you need to use the bathroom before you start recording so you don't need to take a break mid show. Checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. This content is intended for audiences in the US Only. Savings vary terms apply. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates Northbrook, Illinois oh, times come and go Good times, take them slow My life, I had them both One thing.

[Jonathan]

You gotta know I'm gonna keep on Shining.

[Dax Shepard]

Hello, Jonathan. Are you standing on a box? Are you six'four foot eight?

[Mike]

You're close. I'm just north of six, nine.

[Dax Shepard]

Holy smokes. Congratulations. You're above the door frame.

[Mike]

Thank you. Worked on it my whole life.

[Monica Padman]

That's very exciting.

[Dax Shepard]

How many years did it take you to hit 6?

[Mike]

9, probably 23, but I'm 33 now.

[Dax Shepard]

And did you make use of this height? Did you do anything that lent itself? Did you play basketball or anything?

[Mike]

I played basketball a little bit and then I stopped playing and then I lost everything. So now.

[Dax Shepard]

Wait, what do you mean you lost everything?

[Monica Padman]

Skills.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, your skills.

[Mike]

I tried to play basketball right now and tried to jump. I'm pretty sure my knees would just evaporate.

[Monica Padman]

I'm excited to see how your height's going to impact the evacuation.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, that's a great point. Yeah. It kind of raises the stakes.

[Mike]

It will play an adjacent role.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, great. Walk us through this unfortunate and fortunate event.

[Mike]

So it took place in 2010, 2011. I was a sophomore, junior in college. That college is UMass Amherst. I live in Massachusetts. And so one thing that school is known for is it's really big. There's a lot of people that go there. And another thing is its dining. Food is really good. It's like number one, number two in the country. At least when I was there, really. I was a student employee there. I worked at the largest dining common on the campus. And I worked at the sushi station, which sounds pretty bougie, but the student employees would roll sushi. And then I also worked. I think it was called teppanyaki. It's like a big flat top grill with thick noodles. And I would just throw the noodles on, throw the veggies on. There's a spicy paste called. I think it's like gochujang. Probably saying that wrong, but I love it. It's like a red taste, really good. And so I would make up a lot of that and then parcel it into just individual dishes and put them out and then students would come and grab them.

[Dax Shepard]

Jonathan, can I just. I know you probably get so sick of talking about your height, but what I'm immediately concerned about is that grill top was probably built for someone that was five, nine. I imagine cooking on that grill is probably terrible on your back. Your back kill when you would have shifts.

[Mike]

The first issue I faced was the fan hood overhead that would like take the exhaust, it have a nice sharp corner on like the excess of it. And my freshman year took a nice head shot off that and then from there was very aware of its surroundings.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, you need to walk around with the helmet.

[Mike]

Other reasons too, but yeah, for sure.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, I just. I got worried about you. Okay, so you're popping noodles on this grill top.

[Mike]

So my shift is always the dinner shift. It was like four to nine and about half hour running my shift. I'd take my dinner. Usually when if I was working there, I'd make a big old plate of that noodles, load up on the gochujang because I liked it, go eat, come back to work, clean up, and then head back to my dorm. And usually, full disclosure, by the time I got back to my dorm, that's about time when the spice would make its way through. And off I go.

[Dax Shepard]

Clockwork.

[Mike]

So this night, had my dinner, went back to work, and then was cleaning up and started to feel some grumblings inside. And I thought, we're okay. We can finish up the shift and head home and clean up a little bit more. And then we thought, okay, let's just be smart here. Let's be proactive. Let's go find the bathroom and head out. It was the end of the night, so a lot of students were leaving. It was closing. The bathroom was occupied near the front of the building. So that. That's fine. We have an employee bathroom down opposite end of the whole building. So I head downstairs. Employee entrance side. There's the laundry room, there's the freezers where all the food's kept. Hustle past all that. It's been in the night. That's occupied too, by some student employee.

[Dax Shepard]

You've just spent a lot of your time crossing this building. At this point, you're probably thinking like, God damn it, if I just headed home, I might be there by now.

[Mike]

Yep. But I still need to like, clock out. And so at that point, there's a little bit of panic. Not a lot yet. So I start heading back the other way. Maybe that bathroom's now open. Obviously make it all the way back up the stairs. It's not. We're fully in a panic mode. We start heading back downstairs, and we're like, all right, maybe that one's going to be open. In my head, we know it's not. So we start thinking what's around me. And earlier I walked past the laundry room. We duck into the laundry room, we close the door, and we assess the situation. What's in here? What can I make use of? There is like a sink, a washer, a dryer, a mop bucket, a trash bucket. And we think, what Would I cause the least collateral damage?

[Dax Shepard]

You're about to shit in public in a closet, but you're still a gentleman.

[Mike]

I'm not looking to ruin anyone else as day but mine.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

But the decision was then made for me as I was weighing the options and the cork has been popped.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay.

[Monica Padman]

Oh my God.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow.

[Mike]

Lava flows out.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, hold on a second.

[Monica Padman]

And you're staring at a bucket weighing decisions.

[Mike]

These are decisions to be made and they were not made in time.

[Dax Shepard]

It sounds like he had decision anxiety or decision fatigue. But I also want to point out, because I know you so well, Monica, when you heard that the cork popped, I felt like you got a little pq. Did you get it?

[Monica Padman]

No. Okay. No, I did not. I just. I don't know, I felt it kind of viscerally.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay. Okay.

[Monica Padman]

Because when I tonk it, okay.

[Mike]

Train left the station at this point mentally, and so I am very tall. My pants inseam is 38 inches. So I figured, okay, there's a lot of capacity here to be filled up and we're safe. The damage is done. The toothpaste is out of the tube and we're just like, let's just go clock out.

[Dax Shepard]

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. No, let's not just clock out. Your pants are full of. We want to lock the door somehow. We want to turn them inside out. Get it in that bucket maybe, I don't know. We're going to try to mop up the inside.

[Monica Padman]

There's a washing machine there. I might wash.

[Dax Shepard]

I might just spend the whole evening dealing with this. But did you make any attempt to fasten the ends of your pants?

[Mike]

I shoved the bottom of the pants into the shoes. So we're hopefully a self contained system here.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Closed loop system.

[Monica Padman]

Must be a smart school.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, he's smart. You can tell?

[Mike]

Yeah, technically got a degree, but bar.

[Monica Padman]

Wait, what color were the pants?

[Mike]

Dark jeans.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, that's good. That's what you want.

[Monica Padman]

You'd prefer black, but sure.

[Mike]

So, yeah, I go clock out and I make my way amongst the crowd to head out. It's still pretty busy, but I'm walking like a cowboy that just got off a long horse ride or something. I'm trying to be nonchalant about it.

[Dax Shepard]

But you know, also, can I add again? I know I keep talking about your height, but it's like you're not able to blend in. Whatever you're doing is going to be observed. If you got a crazy walk, people are going to Be like, look at that tall guy with the crazy walk.

[Monica Padman]

Also, your butt is like at most people's face.

[Dax Shepard]

That's where the danger comes in.

[Mike]

Really unfortunate for them at this point. Bad on a normal day, terrible today. So we're walking up the front stairs amongst the crowd. We crossed 100 or so yards to my dorm room. We get upstairs, shower those pants obviously destroyed. Threw them in the trash in the trash room immediately and went to bed. And at this point I thought, that's the end of the story. But unfortunately that's just part one. Oh no, part two. Next day we fast forward to this shift again. I'm getting set up in the sushi area. Some other student employees just like talking, say hi, we catch up. And then one of them said, hey, did you hear about Mike? Mike is the guy who worked at the nearby station. And she starts laughing and she says, he broke his arm. And I say, I don't know why. That's a funny bit of information to tell me, but sure. And she's like, no, he slipped and fell when leaving work last night. And I was like, I still understand why this is hilarious to you. No, no, no. He slipped on the stairs on poop.

[Dax Shepard]

Stop it.

[Monica Padman]

No, no.

[Mike]

I'm not about to take full blame for this because we don't know 100 that someone else didn't have a story right after this.

[Monica Padman]

That's right. Plausible deniability.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, at first glance I was like, this is crazy. This is you. It's your fault. And now you're trying to shirk your responsibility. But what I will say in your defense is other people ate the same noodles that up your butt. So maybe multiple people shit their pants that day. That's a good argument. And you already said it's a huge school.

[Monica Padman]

I don't think it was yours.

[Dax Shepard]

I just think if you have 46, 000 students, probably on any given day, one or two people have shit, I.

[Monica Padman]

Don'T think it would have escaped the sock. You would have noticed little morsels of shame pauling out.

[Mike]

You don't know.

[Dax Shepard]

You broke your co worker's arm. What? A left turn, allegedly.

[Mike]

And he had a cast, like up to his arm, like the right angle cast for like a couple months.

[Dax Shepard]

You really got him.

[Monica Padman]

Oh no. And he probably wasn't able to work.

[Mike]

No, he's fine.

[Dax Shepard]

You probably got a lot of attention. Got a date.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, if I put my arm on somebody's poop. Oof.

[Dax Shepard]

Really quick though. I have follow up questions. How did they know it was the smell?

[Monica Padman]

And the look of it, it was.

[Mike]

Like on his shoe.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay. That makes a lot of sense. I bet people would have assumed brought a dog and.

[Mike]

But the dining common.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm trying to help you here. I don't know why you're. You're pushing back so hard.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, it was the stairs at the dining. Oh, no, it's definitely you.

[Dax Shepard]

No, it's you. And I'm your defense attorney. I need you to shut up and let me paint the case for you.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

And by the way, we'll probably have a prompt in the future that's like, tell us about a crazy way you broke a bone. We might talk tomorrow.

[Monica Padman]

Write that down. That's a great.

[Mike]

That be pretty funny.

[Monica Padman]

Did you come clean?

[Mike]

Oh, no, no. This the first time anyone has heard this story in my life. My wife's here. I said I got approved for the prompt. And she's like, what prompt? And I didn't answer. She said, what prompt? At the end of this, would love to say hi, but we don't know what kind of face we're going to get.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. It's all coming clear to me now. Does he remind you as well of that great comedian?

[Monica Padman]

He reminds me of Zach Woods.

[Dax Shepard]

Yep. Do people tell you that? Yeah, that's flattering.

[Mike]

Oh, yeah, he's hilarious.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. He's also really good looking.

[Mike]

I'll take it.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, well, we'd love to talk to your wife. I want to see what kind of gal you wrangled with this wreckage in your past. He's going to lower his head to go.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God. He did have to.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Fuck. Well, we heard him killing her. We've never seen her. Oh, there's a child. Oh, yay.

[Grace]

Oh, my gosh. I can't believe it's you guys.

[Dax Shepard]

Hi there.

[Monica Padman]

Who's this cutie pie?

[Dax Shepard]

Who's this little redhead?

[Grace]

She was wondering who daddy was talking.

[Mike]

To in the closet. No one, don't worry about it. Just a good story.

[Dax Shepard]

Princess Anna's husband. That's who Daddy's talking to.

[Mike]

Big fans of Frozen Over.

[Grace]

That carries a lot of weight in this house.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, you guys, happy holidays. What a great story. He almost killed a man by his pants.

[Grace]

He won't tell me anything. I have to wait to listen.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, this is exciting.

[Dax Shepard]

I just ruined the plot twist.

[Monica Padman]

Did you guys meet in college?

[Mike]

No, we actually met in high school. Didn't know each other.

[Grace]

High school sweetheart.

[Mike]

Correct. We reunited during college at a bar.

[Dax Shepard]

In your hometown or at a reunion, actually.

[Grace]

Exactly.

[Mike]

At a trivia.

[Grace]

Yeah, A Little Irish bar in our hometown where kids played trivia after high school because they were living at home with their parents.

[Dax Shepard]

Can I say, that's a great group. If you're going to meet someone at a bar, do it at a trivia night.

[Monica Padman]

I agree. Put that degree to use.

[Grace]

Yeah, we are pretty good too. So we decided to get married.

[Dax Shepard]

Do you guys continue to compete in trivia?

[Mike]

We have two little ones now, so it's harder to get out for trivia nights.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, for about seven more years.

[Mike]

It's a good trade off.

[Dax Shepard]

It is.

[Monica Padman]

Thanks for chatting with us. That was great.

[Grace]

Thank you so much.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, take care, you guys.

[Mike]

All right. Bye. Bye.

[Dax Shepard]

Bye. What a great one.

[Monica Padman]

He was hilarious.

[Dax Shepard]

We love him. Right?

[Monica Padman]

And we were just talking about redheads.

[Dax Shepard]

I know. Little redhead.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, I should ask if she had dimples.

[Dax Shepard]

Hello.

[Susie]

Hi. Sorry. I don't know why my video's not working.

[Dax Shepard]

Let's get that video cracking.

[Susie]

What's happening?

[Dax Shepard]

You know, your voice. Without video accompaniment, you could be nine.

[Monica Padman]

I was like, did link.

[Susie]

You'll have to guess how old I am.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, this is. But I also want to see you.

[Dax Shepard]

You can try disconnecting and reconnecting. Oh, Rob says disconnect and reconnect. See if that works.

[Susie]

Okay, I'll be back.

[Dax Shepard]

Hopefully. See you in a few.

[Monica Padman]

I think she's gonna be 29.

[Dax Shepard]

I think she's 72. Oh, she's 13. I think she's 6. No wonder she can't figure out how to get the video to work. She's six.

[Monica Padman]

Well, if she's six. Also, unauthorized evacuations. Like, not that funny.

[Dax Shepard]

It's like, what, one today? That'd be funny if we had a baby call up. I pulled my pants one minute ago.

[Monica Padman]

I didn't want to, but it happens.

[Jonathan]

The Apple Watch Series 10 is here. It has the biggest display ever. It's also the thinnest Apple Watch ever, making it even more comfortable on your wrist whether you're running, swimming, or sleeping. And it's the fastest charging Apple Watch, getting you eight hours of charge in just 15 minutes. The Apple Watch Series 10, available for the first time in glossy jet black aluminum compared to previous generations. IPhone XS are later required. Charge time and actual results will vary.

[Dax Shepard]

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[Monica Padman]

Variety and it's convenient, which I really like. We need that.

[Dax Shepard]

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[Monica Padman]

There you are.

[Grace]

We can see you.

[Dax Shepard]

Success.

[Susie]

How's it going?

[Dax Shepard]

Good. I feel like Monica was probably right while you were gone. We guessed at your age.

[Monica Padman]

I said 29.

[Dax Shepard]

I said 13. I said 72.

[Susie]

I turned 29 in a month.

[Grace]

Holy.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, good. Congratulations.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, that's very exciting.

[Susie]

It's funny though, with my job, a lot of people are like, are you 12 or 14?

[Dax Shepard]

Do you talk on the phone a lot for your job?

[Susie]

No.

[Dax Shepard]

Are you a mechanic?

[Susie]

No, I'm a fly fishing guide. Actually, we're at.

[Dax Shepard]

What state?

[Susie]

Yes.

[Monica Padman]

Michigan.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, gas. I would guess Wyoming. Montana.

[Susie]

I'm in Montana.

[Grace]

Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

Don't celebrate too hard. They're neighboring states. They share many of the rivers. There's only like three options too that.

[Susie]

Was really the same?

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

It could have been Idaho, Wyoming, or Montana. A 33% chance. How long you been doing that?

[Susie]

Three years. I've lived here 11 years. I came out here to go to college.

[Dax Shepard]

And let me ask you this. I don't want names. I just want to know, have you had celebrity clients?

[Susie]

Yes, we have.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Celebrities love fly fishing.

[Susie]

The town I live in, apparently Jeff Bridges lives here, and then John Mayer lives here as well.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow. Oh, you've never seen either of them prowling the streets?

[Susie]

I've seen John Mayer.

[Monica Padman]

Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

At a bar.

[Susie]

He goes downtown a lot. And then I weirdly pass his house on the river a lot.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, great.

[Susie]

Creepy.

[Dax Shepard]

So let me ask you this, though. Do you fly fish in the winter?

[Susie]

No, I'm retired.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. So you take the winners off, I guess.

[Susie]

Yeah. Before I was a fly fishing guide, I was a wedding and event florist. So I still do that. Freelance in the winter.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Do some people bounce back and forth between ski stuff and fly fishing?

[Susie]

Yeah. I'm also a ski instructor.

[Grace]

Oh, my gosh.

[Monica Padman]

Real Jane of all trades.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, let's talk shit. Set the scene for us. What happened?

[Susie]

I honestly, I had to, like, reach out to some people because I think I blacked this out of my memory a little bit.

[Dax Shepard]

Sure.

[Monica Padman]

Brown out. That's what they call it.

[Susie]

I was a senior in high school, and I grew up in the Pacific Northwest. I was really big into soccer, so I traveled around a lot. And then in the spring, soccer was pretty quiet, so I always did high school track. So it was the end of the season and it was the state track meet, so select. Few of us, not the whole team, made it to state, and I made it on the 4 by 200 meter relay. That was the only event I qualified in for state. We traveled down south towards Seattle, and it's fun to be on, like, a relay team for it because you're not in a solo event. You can, like, warm up together. But I would notoriously get so anxious before track meets. Everyone's just watching you and you're kind of on your own and you're just sprinting as fast as you can. So we're headed down south and I can feel my tummy. Just a lot of nerves. And the 4x2 is the first race at track meets. This is different than any other track meet because it's high schools from all over the state. Sometimes you go to track meets and it's just you and a few other teams. But no, it was a full stadium and people were there to watch.

[Grace]

Wow.

[Susie]

We're getting warmed up. We're wearing big sweats. It's pretty chilly. And underneath I'm wearing super tight compression shorts, you know, the really short ones, and little singlet top with my school's name on it. My stomach is just still not feeling great.

[Dax Shepard]

Can I ask a quick question? What had you eaten earlier that morning?

[Susie]

My go to before track beats was a peanut butter and pickle sandwich.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, wow. Get a little acid, get a little.

[Dax Shepard]

Protein carbs, but no fish for breakfast. Nothing dicey.

[Susie]

Not that day, no.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Susie]

Okay. They give you a warning like, you have 10 minutes. And I was the first leg, so I'm the one that gets in the blocks. And then they shoot the gun and you start sprinting. And everyone's really stoked. You can feel the energy in the stadium. People are excited for the first race. I'm still feeling weird. I try to use a bat bathroom and I just write it off to nerves. The moment you start running, it kind of disappears. And so they tell the runners to get ready. So I take my sweats off and get in the starting blocks. And I'm still like a little shaky, but I actually feel okay. My tummy pains went away. I feel like I'm relaxed. And he says, runners, take your mark. Get set. And then he fires the gun. The moment the gun went off, oh, my God. My body just released everything.

[Monica Padman]

What?

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, great.

[Monica Padman]

Before you even got to run, right.

[Dax Shepard]

On cue, or probably simultaneous to you starting to exert.

[Susie]

Yeah. The gun goes off. And in my head I'm like, oh. But it kind of like jet powered me. I took off.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, you probably got a shot of adrenaline like you've never had.

[Monica Padman]

Well, and like, I don't want anyone to think, see this, I gotta run.

[Dax Shepard]

Right out of the stadium.

[Susie]

That's exactly what I was thinking. Blessing in disguise. My shorts were navy, but they're just skin tight, so I can feel it coming down.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, God. Oh, no.

[Dax Shepard]

And if you had to guess, no one's gonna like this part, but I must know. If you had to guess at the volume, would you say there's like a pint glass in your shorts? More or less. About a pint glass?

[Susie]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, a lot of pickles.

[Susie]

I'm just gonna keep sprinting. I feel good now. Right?

[Dax Shepard]

Of course.

[Monica Padman]

Got it all out.

[Susie]

And I can feel my shorts are just soaking wet. It's just happening. And I try not to think about all the teams on the sidelines and then everyone in the stands. I just handed off the baton and sprinted right to the bathroom.

[Monica Padman]

You did.

[Dax Shepard]

You just ran right off the track. But listen, you have the heart of a champion. I love that you didn't let that get in the way.

[Monica Padman]

What would have stopping even done. And everyone knows still about the poop.

[Dax Shepard]

What do they say? Like, better to be quiet than open your mouth and confirm that you're dumb or something. There's some fun saying about talking too much, but in your case, way better to roll the dice and think like people might be curious why you ran away or stay and let them know exactly what happened.

[Susie]

Sadly, a lot of people saw what happened.

[Grace]

They did.

[Dax Shepard]

They were able to see.

[Monica Padman]

Even though you're a lightning fast.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, how did you perform?

[Susie]

It was great. We got like fourth place, I think, which was huge for us.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, great.

[Dax Shepard]

So it was a good, good start.

[Susie]

But my mom saw me run off and she actually came into the bathroom and I was just sitting in the stall and she went to the local Fred Meyers and got me some underwear and some pants and stuff.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, why didn't she just go grab your sweats?

[Monica Padman]

No one knows what to do.

[Dax Shepard]

No, everyone's panicked. Yeah, her little bab with her. Like, I can only imagine how young you sounded when you were actually 17. Like a three year old in there.

[Monica Padman]

Oh my God, this is awful. High school. Oh.

[Dax Shepard]

How many people do you think were in attendance?

[Susie]

There was quite a bit. Washington's a big state, so they were from all over and it was definitely filled up. I just went home after that. My mom just drove me home.

[Dax Shepard]

You didn't stick around. You wanted to get out of there.

[Susie]

It was a little rough.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, did people make fun of you after?

[Dax Shepard]

Who all saw?

[Susie]

A lot of my team, like noticed it because, you know, they're just watching me.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. You're the first person we've ever interviewed that shit themselves in front of a huge audience.

[Monica Padman]

Like staring directly at.

[Dax Shepard]

You're watching your body move.

[Susie]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

And was there any follow up with the team when you guys got back together? Did it spread pretty quickly?

[Susie]

It spread pretty quickly. Everyone was like, oh my gosh, are you okay? They weren't making fun of me, but they were like, is that why you left?

[Monica Padman]

But duh. God. People do not know what to say.

[Dax Shepard]

Did you have a lover at the time?

[Susie]

I did.

[Dax Shepard]

How did they feel?

[Susie]

I don't think I ever told him. He wasn't there.

[Monica Padman]

Sometimes this would spread through the whole school.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, in my school, the whole, entire school would have known within an hour. People have been like, do you hear the relay team got fourth in states. Yeah. Well, I heard one of our runners themselves, I think Grace, and they're like, oh, cool.

[Monica Padman]

But fourth place is great.

[Dax Shepard]

Great.

[Susie]

I feel like with cross country and longdistance runners, this happens.

[Monica Padman]

It's standard.

[Dax Shepard]

There's numerous videos of marathoners coming across the line with just raining shit. I'm really proud of you. You kept your head in it. You kept it floored. I really admire it.

[Susie]

Thank you. Yeah, it was the little extra power I needed to finish that race.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, Grace, I love this story.

[Susie]

I look back on it fondly. It's happened a few more times in my adult life.

[Dax Shepard]

I would imagine sometimes you're out on that boat for a long time, fly fishing.

[Susie]

Luckily, no poop stories.

[Monica Padman]

We're going to knock on wood.

[Dax Shepard]

But waders are ideal to shit yourself in. You're wearing a toilet, basically.

[Susie]

I know of people that have had to throw their waiters away.

[Dax Shepard]

Sure.

[Susie]

Can I give a quick shout out to my two ladies that listen with me?

[Dax Shepard]

Of course.

[Susie]

Jenny and Abby. You guys are my girls. And thanks for having me on, you guys, you know, so fun.

[Monica Padman]

Have a happy birthday.

[Dax Shepard]

Thank you.

[Susie]

Bye. Bye.

[Dax Shepard]

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool Than speak out and remove all doubt. There it is.

[Monica Padman]

Doesn't really roll off the top.

[Dax Shepard]

Abraham Lincoln, babe. Lincoln. Oh, it was one of his quatrillion great quotes. He's like our Churchill.

[Monica Padman]

No, but we've said that before. And then it's never him.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, he said, don't believe everything you read on the Internet just because there's a picture with the quote next to it. That's what Abe Lincoln said.

[Monica Padman]

He said that. Oh, my God. He's ahead of his time.

[Stacia]

Hi.

[Dax Shepard]

Hi there. What name are we going by today?

[Stacia]

I was hoping you guys would pick for me.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. You look very much like my aunt and her name was Sue. That's not a popular name anymore, is it?

[Stacia]

Okay, it's not really popular, but that's okay. I'll take it.

[Monica Padman]

It's not popular, but it's cute.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. What about Susie? Like Susie Q. Suzy Q's.

[Stacia]

Q. I like that.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, that's a great hostess product. Suzy Q's. Did you ever eat those? You guys.

[Monica Padman]

You mean Swiss cake rolls?

[Dax Shepard]

I mean Susie Q's. It was a bit of chocolate dark devil's food cake. Then a huge dumping filling of the Twinkie filling. And then another chocolate long cake rectangle.

[Monica Padman]

Interesting.

[Dax Shepard]

Really good. Okay, so we're going with Susie again. It's very promising that you want a fake name because that hopefully that means this is hugely embarrassing. That's the goal today.

[Stacia]

Yes, indeed it is.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God. I can't wait.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. All right, hit us with it.

[Stacia]

Okay. So this summer, I was sick. I had an awful cold and then it turned into laryngitis, so I lost my voice. When this happened, though, I was starting to get my voice back. I'm living at home with my parents while I'm at school. It's good thing to mention I have a boyfriend. We'll call him Jack. We both work nights, so when he stays over at the house we have the house to ourselves in the daytime. And so I want to say around four in the afternoon this day, Jack was in the mood for some sexy time.

[Dax Shepard]

Sure.

[Stacia]

I wasn't feeling 100% back but felt well enough to proceed with the sexy time.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

Good, you're a trooper.

[Stacia]

So at the foot of my bed, I have have a white wardrobe. And then across the room I have my closet. So at the other end, Jack's head is at the end of the bed and I'm sitting on top of him. And things are going very well.

[Dax Shepard]

Great.

[Stacia]

To the point where I reach my climax.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, congratulations. That's great.

[Stacia]

Almost immediately after that, it started to feel very wet down there.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay.

[Stacia]

To the point where Jack then stopped and he asks, did you squirt or something?

[Monica Padman]

Oh, boy.

[Stacia]

Why is it so wet down there?

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God. Is he still your boyfriend?

[Stacia]

He is. Okay, okay, okay.

[Dax Shepard]

Can I pause you for one second? Because I want to work through Monica's reaction. Monica, don't you think that's preferred to. Would you like. At least it was sexy.

[Monica Padman]

I think he shouldn't mention it.

[Stacia]

I will also say at this point he thinks he's done a very, very excellent job.

[Monica Padman]

He's proud of himself. That's.

[Dax Shepard]

No, she just came like a racehorse. She just said like a race.

[Monica Padman]

Well, she didn't say that.

[Stacia]

It was a little bit implied, but.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. But now we know why. Well, we're about to.

[Dax Shepard]

Hold on. Yeah, okay, but I'm him, right? I'm downstairs and I see this wonderful climax and then it's super wet. I mean, that's a pretty natural conclusion. Is like, maybe she scored it.

[Monica Padman]

I understand that you might think it, but I don't think you should ask.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, you're in a trusting, loving relationship.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, well, it didn't sound like a new zoom.

[Dax Shepard]

Did it bother you? I know what it is. You did his voice and you made him sound like a dum dum. I think that's what Monica's being. Yeah.

[Stacia]

Okay, yeah, maybe I'm not. I'm not very good at replicating his voice. Maybe I should have practiced.

[Monica Padman]

You're five. All right, so he asked you, did you squirt? And then he said, why is it so wet?

[Dax Shepard]

Well, I know you said, why is it so wet?

[Stacia]

I don't know why, but then I look behind me and all I see is just brown everywhere.

[Dax Shepard]

So you sprayed?

[Stacia]

Yeah. It's like my asshole exploded.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, no. Oh, my God.

[Stacia]

I have white bed sheets. The white wardrobe. It reached all the way across to my white closet.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my words. It exploded.

[Dax Shepard]

Wait, hold on. I'm shocked you didn't hear it.

[Stacia]

I had no idea it happened. I didn't even feel it.

[Dax Shepard]

Right.

[Stacia]

A lot of stuff was going on down there at the time. Maybe I didn't did feel it and I didn't realize.

[Monica Padman]

Well, I think you did feel it, which is why it was racehorse, as you say, territory. It probably made it better.

[Stacia]

I don't really want to admit that, but.

[Monica Padman]

But it is. It is. It is. Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, Susie, what an. We are supported by Tropical Smoothie Cafe. Do you know what time it is? Well, at Tropical Smoothie Cafe, it's always tropic time. That's because when you take a break and taste the tropics with their made to order smoothies, bowls and wraps, every sip and bite feels like a little trip to a tropic resort. I love this idea of tropic time. It's that bit of brightness and refreshment we need when the days are shorter and darker during the winter months, transport me to a tropical beach with the sun shining and the sound of ocean in the background. What a dream. And Tropical Smoothie Cafe just released two brand new tropic bowls. The Dragon Fruit bowl with goji berries and the Acai bowl with Nutella. Try them today and get ready for some tropic time. Visit tropicalsmoothicafe.com to find a cafe near you. We are supported by Squarespace. If you've been to the armchair expert website, you've seen Squarespace in action. In Wabi, Wab made our website using Squarespace, the all in one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. What I love about Squarespace is aside from the functionality, it's just so visually pleasing. And Rob was able to whip this up in no time with all the incredible templates that were available to him.

[Monica Padman]

And it looks very profess.

[Dax Shepard]

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[Stacia]

Like, the best way I can describe it is, you know, if you're carrying a glass jar of marinara sauce.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, yes.

[Stacia]

And you drop it and it explodes. The scene that it happens, there's marinara sauce all on the floor, but there's still splatters everywhere.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Spatter analysis, like they do in a murder scene.

[Monica Padman]

Holy shit.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow. You covered the room. You painted the room, as they say. And what's your first thought?

[Stacia]

This is not happening.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, sure.

[Dax Shepard]

Denial.

[Stacia]

I'm still sick. My nose is still congested. I don't know if it smells or not.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, sure.

[Stacia]

And he still confused. He's like, are we still going or what? So I'm just like, no, stop. I put my hand over his eyes and his nose. I think at this point he thinks that I must be, like, on my period or something, and I don't want him to see it. He still doesn't know that I just.

[Dax Shepard]

That there was an explosion.

[Monica Padman]

Did you consider saying, oh, my God, babe, you everywhere, Jack. Oh, my God. Totally. Okay.

[Dax Shepard]

Sprayed up into my. And then out of my.

[Monica Padman]

But wow. Oh, buddy, you really got it everywhere. But it's okay.

[Dax Shepard]

Good job, Jack.

[Stacia]

No, it definitely would have been more likely to be him than me, but I don't think he would have believed that.

[Monica Padman]

Okay.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, you got a real issue on your hands because I imagine your goal now is to somehow escort him out of this room and clean it up, but he never sees a thing.

[Stacia]

Yes. In the back of my mind also, this was supposed to be just a quickie. My parents are going to be coming home soon from work.

[Monica Padman]

God, this is a disaster. Oh, my God, I'm so stressed.

[Stacia]

His eyes and nose is covered. I help him off the bed. We're both naked, covered in shit. Walk him across the hall into the bathroom. I help him into the Shower.

[Monica Padman]

Okay. He's doing the right thing. He's letting you do all this.

[Dax Shepard]

He's not like me.

[Stacia]

The whole time, he's like, what's going on? Just uncover my eyes. I'm like, nope, just trust me. You don't want to see this. And as I'm turning on the shower, I hear my dogs running up the stairs. Okay, they're getting curious.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. They smell something.

[Stacia]

So I have to decide, am I gonna clean him off or stop this.

[Monica Padman]

Mess, let them eat it?

[Dax Shepard]

No, you got to get in, because they're gonna track it all over the house.

[Stacia]

And mind you, upstairs is all carpet.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, no, no. This is as bad of a scenario as you can get yourself into.

[Stacia]

Yeah. So I decide I'm gonna leave. Jack. I say, jack, just keep your eyes closed. Just try to clean yourself off the best you can with your eyes closed. I gotta go do something else. And as I'm running back to my room to get my dogs, I just hear him yell, oh, my God.

[Monica Padman]

Is this shit for me?

[Stacia]

And then he starts throwing up.

[Monica Padman]

No, no, no, no.

[Stacia]

Hear him yapping.

[Dax Shepard]

It's like I wrote this scene.

[Monica Padman]

Wait a minute.

[Dax Shepard]

I wish he himself, somehow. Like, it led to just a full collapse.

[Stacia]

Yeah, that would make me feel a lot better if we both did it.

[Dax Shepard]

W. So he's dry heaving in the shower now? What's happening with the dogs? Have they gotten there?

[Stacia]

Thankfully, I stopped them in time. They were just sniffing, but I kicked them out of the room, and I closed the door. And now I am just, like, standing in shock at what my body had just done to me.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, and you're also, like, where do I begin? Do I clean myself up, put on clothes in case parents come home, then begin cleaning? Do I start cleaning now while I'm still naked?

[Stacia]

I decided I was just gonna rip the sheets off of my bed, and I hid them in the closet. I had baby wipes sitting in my room, so I just started wiping everything down. I can't smell, but I assume it's smelly. So I open the window, light the candles, but it's still just so bad. I am quickly realizing I'm not gonna get it cleaned up in time before Jack gets out of the shower. So I grab all of his stuff and I throw it out in the hallway. I hear him turn off the shower. He took a really quick shower. He should have taken a lot longer to clean himself off.

[Dax Shepard]

Jack, take your time. We need a little time right now.

[Stacia]

I just throw on a big, big shirt just to cover myself up and I meet him out in the hallway, and he's just confused. He's like, what happened? Like, are you okay? And he was like, you don't need to be embarrassed. It's okay. And I was just so mortified after.

[Monica Padman]

He threw up everywhere.

[Dax Shepard]

That wasn't his choice. You don't choose to throw up. He's not like, you know what? I'm gonna throw up right now.

[Monica Padman]

Whatever. I'm just saying you can't then say, don't be embarrassed after. You're of course gonna be embarrassed.

[Dax Shepard]

But he regrouped, grouped, and he got himself together, and he knew, I gotta support her now.

[Stacia]

He also might have put two and two together. Oh, she's still sick. He should have just not even asked me to do it. He's learned his lesson. Now I just tell him, you need to get dressed right here in the hallway. I brought all of your stuff out of my room, and you're leaving as soon as you get dressed. Like, I kicked him out, and as I was shoving him out of the door, I told him, we never ever speak of this ever again. This never happens.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Stacia]

Goodbye. Love you. Please leave.

[Monica Padman]

Okay, great. Did he hold true to that?

[Stacia]

Yeah. We still haven't talked about it. He doesn't even know that I'm talking to you guys about it. That's why we're gonna use some fake names.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Stacia]

I've actually only told my sister about it.

[Monica Padman]

What a story, though. I bet so many people have done this. This.

[Stacia]

I've listened to the previous poop episodes. I honestly think this is karma, because the whole time I was listening to those, I was like, I can't believe so many people just can't control their bowel movements.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Be careful who you judge. That's the lesson of this story.

[Stacia]

And it gets a little worse because I realize that now I'm still covered in shit, right? I get in the shower now I'm thinking this bodily fluid. What do you call it? Dax? Henius.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, Hannes. Yeah.

[Stacia]

Has made its way back inside of me.

[Grace]

No.

[Stacia]

Oh, that's why we could feel that it was extra wet down there, right?

[Dax Shepard]

Yes, of course. It's very close.

[Monica Padman]

This is the worst UTI ever.

[Stacia]

I cleaned myself really, really well. I ended up not getting UTI or a yeast infection, but I was very paranoid.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow. Well, you dodged a bullet. And I'm glad. The gods just wanted to smite you a little bit for being jud, but they didn't want to give you a continued condition.

[Stacia]

Thankful. That's the only time it's happened. Knock on wood.

[Monica Padman]

Literally knock on wood right now.

[Dax Shepard]

So I bet you'll probably never have sex if you're sick again.

[Stacia]

No, I've had a cold, like, the last two weeks, and we haven't done it at all. I'm not risking it.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, you just can't roll the dice.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. It's like, you know, once your body.

[Dax Shepard]

Betrays you that way, rebuilding trust takes a while.

[Stacia]

Yeah. But shout out to my sister, because I was calling her as I was cleaning everything up, because I needed some emotional support to process what just happened.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Stacia]

And instead of telling me everything's gonna be okay, she burst out laughing, and she was like, oh, my God, this is such an armchair story. You totally have to submit this. We already planned this as it was happening.

[Dax Shepard]

Good. Your sister's got her head in the right place.

[Monica Padman]

That's right.

[Stacia]

Yeah. She's the one that interests. Introduce me to you guys.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, listen to me, Susie Q. This is in the running for the best one I've ever.

[Monica Padman]

This is fantastic. This is really fantastic.

[Dax Shepard]

The fact that it was all over the room is so powerful.

[Monica Padman]

Marinara analogy was really good. I can picture that. You know how it gets, like, behind the stove? How does it get behind the stove?

[Dax Shepard]

It's so confusing now, you guys, the marinara is great, but of course, I went in my head to, if you can imagine putting a one gallon can of paint on a stool and then taking a sledgehammer and just smashing it. That, to me, is what I'm seeing. That amount of spatter.

[Stacia]

And, yeah, I think that's pretty accurate, except to give you a little bit of tmi. The consistency matched marinara.

[Monica Padman]

Right, right.

[Dax Shepard]

That makes sense.

[Monica Padman]

Right, right, right.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, so. Well, this is a 20 out of 10. Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, what a good one.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm very proud of you.

[Stacia]

This is like therapy for me. I'm too embarrassed to tell anybody else, aside from my sister that just mocked me. So I'm glad I got to tell you guys too.

[Dax Shepard]

I promise you, many, many people are gonna go, oh, thank God I'm not the only one.

[Monica Padman]

They feel seen.

[Dax Shepard]

This is the power of sharing trauma.

[Stacia]

Yes. I'm glad I could heal other people's trauma.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, boy. Well, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. That was spectacular.

[Stacia]

Thank you guys for letting me share. It's so awesome seeing Dax's chair in person. Nice meeting you guys.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, you too.

[Monica Padman]

Have a great rest of your day.

[Dax Shepard]

Bye. Oh, man.

[Monica Padman]

Wow. That was a big one.

[Dax Shepard]

I think even if you have a pretty good appetite for these Kind of stories. That one's gonna test some people.

[Monica Padman]

Well, it's scary, too. It's like you just never know.

[Dax Shepard]

You don't.

[Monica Padman]

Her stomach didn't even hurt, right?

[Dax Shepard]

It was her larynx.

[Monica Padman]

You sent me a video of a woman at a grocery store, and it's epic.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. It's a gal in thin cotton, kind of baggy, but short shorts. It's cctv. It's like being filmed in the grocery store. And she rounds this. It's either a frozen food, like one of those up to your waist. Frozen food.

[Monica Padman]

Like ice box. Like open ice box.

[Dax Shepard]

It's like island in a kitchen kind of a situation. But it's like probably three feet off the ground. And she comes around the corner and she just quickly squats. She takes her terry cloth shorts, pulls them to the side, and does a squirt like a goose.

[Monica Padman]

It's so disgusting.

[Dax Shepard]

It's so foul. But it's not quite honest Hanus. It's in between. And then she just gets right up and strolls away. You and I luckily had the same conclusion, which is like, no way. That's the first time.

[Monica Padman]

It was so practice, so much muscle memory.

[Dax Shepard]

Like, the way she squatted, got that thing to the side. Squirt. And then stood up and walked away. I was like, oh, my God, she's doing this all the time.

[Monica Padman]

I think maybe she's the one that did it at the dining hall.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, she could have. She could probably do it while walking. Hi.

[Grace]

Oh, my goodness.

[Dax Shepard]

How are you?

[Grace]

To be honest, I'm thrilled and also extremely nervous.

[Dax Shepard]

Of course, let's forget that that's coming. And let's first talk about the fact that this is a ding, ding, ding for Monica and I because we were just talking about the dreamiest ha that her baby could have. And you literally have what? We were both. At least. This is exactly what I was.

[Monica Padman]

100%.

[Dax Shepard]

This is the most gorgeous hair a human can have.

[Grace]

That has made my entire 2024. I appreciate that as a little girl, I did not love my hair. And so just hearing you say that does something, like, deep for my soul. So thank you.

[Dax Shepard]

Dark ringlets like that are just the most beautiful.

[Monica Padman]

Do you have dimples, too?

[Grace]

I have, like, a little dimple, a little freckles.

[Monica Padman]

Stop.

[Dax Shepard]

The other piece of the puzzle for Monica was dimple. Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

I said, if I'm designing my kid, I'm making them have you dimples. And making you. How exciting.

[Grace]

Monica, I give you permission to adopt me today.

[Monica Padman]

Can't wait.

[Grace]

A lot of things in childhood, I didn't love about myself, and I've grown to love. So thank you.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, I was just talking to my daughter about this. She was telling me people have freckle filters now. And I'm like, that's so crazy, because people with freckles hate freckles, and people without freckles want freckles. And I said, you know, the headline is you want what you don't have.

[Grace]

Absolutely.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, Stacia, walk us through this very human experience. There's nothing to be nervous about. Anyone who says they haven't shit their pants is a liar.

[Monica Padman]

No. Because I hadn't until recently. So now it would be a lie. So, yeah, you're right.

[Grace]

I'm hoping that hearing more and more of these stories gives you a lot of empowerment to one day share yours. Because we're all on the edge of our seats.

[Dax Shepard]

People really in the comments were like, what are you talking about? We're not going to hear every detail of this.

[Grace]

Yeah, we need all the nitty gritty. I will share and the fact that this is how I have to meet you all. I'm like, here it is. So I'm in Nashville, Tennessee. This unauthorized evacuation takes place just south of Nashville in Murfreesboro, Tennessee. To really set the scene. This was the summer of 2008. I was 17, and I was working at my job. Baskin Robbins.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, girl. 31 flavors, now 32.

[Grace]

It's a lot of flavors to keep us with you. I loved it. This specific Baskin Robbins was very popular for two main reasons. One, it was the only ice cream shop in that side of town. And then two, we were right off one of Tennessee's most trafficked interstate. So we had a lot of local customers that would come in, a lot of regulars. And then we also had a good amount of travelers and passerbys that would pop in through our drive through and head on their merry way. So it was a summer shift, a hot Tennessee summer. People are at the ice cream shop getting their goodies. It was me and three other high schoolers running this whole place. Of course, why give this much responsibility to high schoolers?

[Dax Shepard]

I always say this when I go back home to Michigan. I'm reminded that young people run everything back in Michigan. So you go to a Dairy Queen. There's sometimes there's no one there over 14.

[Grace]

Just not setting anyone up for success. So I was 17 and I was the shift leader, meaning I had full responsibility of the store.

[Monica Padman]

You were the manager, basically.

[Dax Shepard]

General manager.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Grace]

Assistant to the regional manager at this point. And so we had a busy summer shift, as we always do, and it had just been relentless. Back to back orders for about an hour. And me and the girls, we are just kind of pushing through. We were all miserable. We've had angry customers, we've not had a break, and just more and more people keep flooding in. So our entire front lobby was filled with people enjoying their ice cream in a long line that had started to form. And our drive thru had also been pretty backed up.

[Dax Shepard]

Ugh, this is a nightmare.

[Grace]

Yeah, we're all covered in like ice cream drippings and sticky whipped cream. You just live sticky. Not in the sexy. Like I got whipped cream and chocolate on me. It's just like the gross way. So it is a busy time. We've been back to back, we've not had a break. To make this day even worse, I had just started my period that day. And girls know, first day of your period, you're crampy. You get like weird hot flashes and heat flashes that like you're dealing with pain. It was one of those days and we just had no break. And so we were all trudging through and all of a sudden we hear a big collective gasp in the front of the store. And we all kind of turned and look and hear crying from a little boy. And he had dropped his milkshake all over the front part of the lobby. So on top of like an entirely packed store, we had had a huge chaotic milkshake mess. We all take a collective sigh, the girls and I and I quickly come up with a plan. I'm like, you're gonna cover drive thru. Don't let that drop you. Make him a new milkshake. And you just man the front as best you can. I'll clean up this mess. So I walk to the back to get them up. Another one of these like hot flashes come on. And I'm just feeling really overheated. So I go into our walk in freezer to just trying to collect myself before I go out there and clean up this mess. I walk into the freezer, I'm on the borderline of tears. I'm just about to lose my shit. And I just tell myself, just like, suck it up, it's cool down. I'm still having trouble cooling down from this hot flash. And I say, you got to get back out there. I open the freezer door, I go to the mop bucket, bend over to turn on the mop water, and as soon as I do, a fart comes roaring out. Oh, My God, again? Period.

[Monica Padman]

Gurgling up your whole system.

[Dax Shepard]

Guys, I was on the verge of asking, but it felt inappropriate. I'm like, doesn't the period also, you often have some butt stuff?

[Monica Padman]

Yes.

[Grace]

There's all kinds of things happening.

[Monica Padman]

Cuz the cramping and the system's a mess.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. It's in disarray.

[Grace]

The hot flashes were probably the first sign. I just didn't realize that. And so I immediately realized what has happened as I go to turn on this water. And just my instinct was to, like, put my hand on the back of my pants.

[Dax Shepard]

Yep.

[Grace]

And as soon as I did that, there was liquid all over my hand. And I am panicked on what to do.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God. Because you already have this fire burning at the front of the store.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Grace]

It's chaotic. Really important. Baskin Robbins had a very specific uniform you had to wear. You had your visor, you had a blue shirt, and you had khaki pants.

[Monica Padman]

No.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, no.

[Monica Padman]

Why?

[Dax Shepard]

Worst color imaginable.

[Grace]

Because it was summer. It wasn't khaki pants, it was khaki shorts.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, so double whammy.

[Grace]

I'm like, what am I going to do? So I am just panicking. I have shit all over my left hand and I'm like, I have got to get to the bathroom. The only way to get to the bathroom was to go back out through the ice cream bar, through the front lobby, over the milkshake, into our bathroom.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Walk right by the problem where people are gonna be like, hey, what's she doing?

[Grace]

I had to enter the chaos, and so I don't make eye contact with anyone. I'm just sprinting as fast as I can. And I get to the bathroom and someone is in there.

[Monica Padman]

No. Why? Oh, why?

[Dax Shepard]

This tastes too much.

[Monica Padman]

Wait, is the milkshake chocolate?

[Grace]

I actually don't remember the color. I want to say mint chocolate chip, because that's just, like, seared in my brain. But I don't know, because I think.

[Monica Padman]

I might have, like, gone to the milkshake and slipped. Oh. And gotten it all over my pants. And then, you know, if you're doing.

[Dax Shepard]

Your best thinking and you. You weren't panicked in your amygdala, you probably could put all that together. That would be the move. Come up with the mop bucket. And then just whoa.

[Monica Padman]

And then you're all over, but you're.

[Dax Shepard]

Screaming like, oh, no, I'm falling. But you sit.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Grace]

And honestly, that was something I would have done. That is my personality. But my executive functioning was closed.

[Monica Padman]

Down.

[Susie]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Monica Padman]

That was awesome.

[Grace]

I am at the bathroom. I just immediately turn my back to the wall so no one can see me. And I'm waiting there for a few minutes and that's when the smell really starts hitting me. I'm like, this is really, really bad. I genuinely close my eyes like an ostrich. Just pray one can see me. As if that's going to help. I finally get into the bathroom. I just take my pants down. I got to assess the damage and it was as bad as I had expected. I go to start washing my shorts in the sink as if that that's the only thing I can do. And quickly realized that that was also probably not a great move because this is not like khaki material. This is like some Walmart or Kmart hybrid fabric. So I just now have very wet shorts and a brown stained short.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, and what about your underwear? Like, are you out in the Baskin Robbins? Like, make it? How are you washing your pants?

[Grace]

I do remember I was in a thong and had a tampon. This is way too much information.

[Dax Shepard]

I remember these are all the details.

[Grace]

Essentially butt naked in washing. And I had to put the shorts back on. And I was like, okay, what am I gonna do after I put these shorts back on?

[Dax Shepard]

Because they're visibly now wet, because they're.

[Grace]

Khaki, they're visibly wet and they're so visibly like brown. There's no soap in there to scrub. I've ruined them. I've ruined my entire existence. I'm like, I've got to just get back, back to the back room, get my keys and I'm just going to drive home. I'm not going to clean up the milkshake. I've got to get out of here. I beeline it out of the bathroom. It smells horrific. It's very clear somebody's had like some things going on, some sickness.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Grace]

I go through the lobby, I hop over the milkshake mess. It's still chaotic out there. And I just grab my keys. I don't tell my co workers, I don't tell anyone. I just go to get in my car. Now the fun part about this is actually probably what's seared in my brain the most. It's is it is a hot Tennessee summer, so it is probably 100 degrees out. I had a super old clunker, had a 1992 Ford Explorer and it had like weird leather seats in there. So I get into my car and I'm getting second degree burn sitting on this searing leather and none of my windows go down. My passenger side window will roll down, but no other windows roll down. And I don't have working ac, so I'm sitting in my hotel pants with my legs burning. No ventilation. And our drive thru is backed up, so I'm not really able to like get out of our parking spot. So I'm just sitting there. Finally get home, I shower, I change, I clean off my car, go back to work. And I was just like, maybe they won't notice that I was going, oh, you went back.

[Monica Padman]

Oh my God, I did go back.

[Grace]

The rush had died down. And I will never forget a girl I was working with. Her name was Courtney. She just looked at me and she's.

[Monica Padman]

Like, what the hell?

[Grace]

And I was like, I'm so sorry. I had a period accident. I felt like that would get me out of it. And she was like, okay. Didn't mention it at all. And so I got out of it. I lied to her. So that was my unauthorized evacuation.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, man. That could have also been under the heading, like, tell us about the worst day.

[Monica Padman]

Yes, I was gonna. We had a heading that was like Alexander's. No, bad, very. Whatever that one. We did that once. This could have definitely been a that. I thought the same thing.

[Dax Shepard]

Too many things going wrong at once.

[Grace]

Perfect storm. And you know, I wouldn't have had to go out there if the milkshake hadn't fallen.

[Dax Shepard]

That's why I like this prompt. You deal with people dying in your life, that's horrendous. There's all these things you deal with. But I would argue you'll never experience anything on planet Earth that's as bad as having a pants full of and trying to figure out how the to get out of the situation. That's about as high stakes as it gets.

[Grace]

All my friends know this story. I have chosen to own it as an adult. I was like, if I get a chance to meet Dax and Monica, it's worth telling millions of people.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, it's also a character builder.

[Monica Padman]

It is.

[Dax Shepard]

You really find out what you're made of and you find out I can survive life.

[Monica Padman]

You also just feel more human than you've ever. Or more animalistic than you.

[Dax Shepard]

More Tonka esque.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. I was also on my period during my incident.

[Grace]

So Monica, you just say is a period accident, not. Yeah, accident. And you should tell us.

[Monica Padman]

That's okay. TBD on that.

[Grace]

I want to just have my cringe moment. I know all the armchairs have to express gratitude, but you guys really did a good job. Reflecting on this and the Lisa Kudrow fact fact check recently about how do you accurately and adequately share your appreciation with, like, people you've admired from afar? And I don't know if I'm going to do it correctly, but I do want to name just, like, deep gratitude for both of you, just one who y'all are into the work you put into the world. Monica, as a brown girl who's lived and born and raised in the south, the way you have chosen to share vulnerably about that experience on such a wide platform has. Has helped this little brown girl feel really seen.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, that's so happy.

[Grace]

And it's something, I don't think a lot of people who don't experience that understand how important it is. And you bring light to it in the small moments and in the big moments, how it shows up. So thank you for choosing to share that. You're just such a beautiful soul, and I really appreciate you.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, thanks.

[Dax Shepard]

First of all, A. Yeah, you nailed it. Yeah, I'm a little welled up, so.

[Monica Padman]

So much better than that.

[Dax Shepard]

Of course it's her compliment. Well, it's her compliments. It's probably easier for me to hear, but yes, that was great.

[Grace]

Well, thank you. And, Dax, I have an equally like, hopefully heartfelt one for you. We have a lot in common in our upbringing. I had multiple stepfathers. Addiction, alcoholism, abuse was part of my childhood, and it kept my father from being able to have an active role in my life. He struggled with sobriety. It ultimately killed him at a very young age, so I never got to have a relationship with him. And I've worked really hard to change generational patterns, and I see that you have, too. And I might cry at this part, but seeing how much you love your girls and how much you choose sobriety every day for them brings my heart so much joy. I understand sobriety is not an easy thing to choose hour by hour. I've had to love a lot of addicts through my life, and I know it is a hard decision. And you doing it because you love your daughters and your family so much is such a beautiful gift. And as a hopefully, generational change maker myself, I see that in you. And you give me a lot of encouragement just in who you are and how you show up and how you actively fight against those survival tactics that we had to grow up with.

[Dax Shepard]

You brought up my daughters, and now there's tears streaming down my face. Thank you. Thank you, Stacia. You deserved that.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, you did.

[Dax Shepard]

You should have had a dad just like me.

[Grace]

Thank you.

[Monica Padman]

Well, when I adopt you, you'll be my grandchild.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, you'll be my grandchild at that point as well.

[Monica Padman]

That's true.

[Grace]

Yeah, I'll take it. But I'm raising my own daughter, as you can see, and it's been really healing. And I have a very full life now. And I'm super grateful for all that you've done.

[Dax Shepard]

You've completely me up. So mission accomplished.

[Monica Padman]

Thank you for listening to us. We do not deserve you. No, no, we're incredible.

[Grace]

You guys are wonderful, and I really appreciate who you are, the work you put out. I really do.

[Monica Padman]

Right back at you.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, thank you. That was a really nice Christmas present to me and I think to Monica.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, well, I pray I bump into you in Tennessee.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Grace]

Oh, I'm praying even harder. So hopefully we'll make it happen.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, Great meeting you.

[Monica Padman]

Bye.

[Dax Shepard]

Bye.

[Grace]

Bye.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, boy. She got us, huh?

[Monica Padman]

She is very sweet.

[Dax Shepard]

Every one of those stories were dynam big ones.

[Monica Padman]

Biggies. Not a dud in the group.

[Dax Shepard]

I don't ever want to go to the well too often, but I gotta say, this prompt always delivers.

[Monica Padman]

It does. But if we heard it every week, I would be sick of it. And I think that's why I said.

[Dax Shepard]

I don't want to go to the well too much.

[Monica Padman]

This was great. They knocked it out. Knocked it out of the park. Thanks, armchair.

[Dax Shepard]

All right. I love you.

[Monica Padman]

Love you.

[Dax Shepard]

Do you want to sing a tune or something?

[Mike]

We don't know the theme song.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of armchairs, we'll get some suggestions on the fly rhyme dish. On the fly rhyme dish.

[Stacia]

Enjoy.

[Dax Shepard]

Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondry app, Amazon music or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry plus in the Wondry app or on Apple podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short [e-mail] survey.

[Jonathan]

On January 5, 2024, an Alaska Airlines door plug tore away mid flight, leaving a gaping hole in the side of a plane that carried 171passengers.passengers. This heart stopping incident was just the latest in a string of crises surrounding the aviation manufacturing giant Boeing. In the past decade, Boeing has been involved in a series of damning scandals and deadly crashes that have chipped away at its once sterling reputation at the center of it all. The 737 Max. The latest season of Business wars explores how Boeing, once the gold standard of aviation engineering, descended into a nightmare of safety concerns and public mistrust. Trust the decisions, denials and devastating consequences bringing the titan to its knees. And what, if anything, can save the company's reputation now? Follow Business wars on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge Business wars, the Unraveling of Boeing early and ad free right now on Wondery plus.