Transcript

A (0:00)

Welcome, welcome. Welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard. I'm joined by Monica Padman.

B (0:05)

It's your favorite day.

A (0:06)

It's my favorite day. And I'm shocked. There's always been three. We must be titling them different.

B (0:11)

We're titling them differently.

A (0:12)

We must be. But this is unauthorized evacuation 3 Tell us about an unexpected evacuation and they're always beautiful. They are great and endearing and life affirming.

B (0:24)

It's the thing that's going to bring us together.

A (0:26)

Yeah, we can all relate or most of us. And if you can't relate yet, you will relate at some point in your life. Please enjoy unauthorized evacuations. This message is brought to you by Apple Pay. Checking out online Apple Pay makes it simple. Apple Pay is accepted on millions of websites and apps and counting. Just look for the Apple Pay button almost anywhere you do your online shopping. When you tap the Apple Pay button to check out, you don't have to worry about filling out any forms with your shipping address or payment method or for me, my billing address. Instead, use your pre saved information and checkout in seconds. What a joy. Need to make a change? You can easily review and change your card information and shipping details right in the payment sheet. Once you are ready, just double click the side button, authenticate your purchase with face ID and you're done. Whether you're shopping online for everyday needs or treating yourself, skip the hassle. Shop with Apple Pay. Terms apply. Thank you to our presenting sponsor. Grubhub Gold Days is here, which feels like a dangerous time to be ordering food because suddenly everyone in your life is very interested in what you're eating. Grubhub plus members are getting nonstop savings all month long and if you're not a member yet, you can join for just 99 cents a month for six months. That's a 90% discount off of the usual price. Grubhub plus membership, auto renews and terms apply. Sign up now in the app or@grubhub.com plus gold. Oh, times come and go Good times take them slow My life I had

C (2:08)

them both

A (2:12)

Gotta know I'm gonna keep on shining.

B (2:17)

Hello.

D (2:18)

Hi. Dax and Monica.

Summary

Armchair Expert: Armchair Anonymous – Unauthorized Evacuation III (May 8, 2026)

Overview

"Unauthorized Evacuation III" continues Armchair Expert's beloved tradition of inviting listeners to share their most harrowing, hilarious, and human stories of unexpected bodily emergencies ("evacuations"). Hosts Dax Shepard and Monica Padman engage callers in honest—and often uproarious—conversations about the unpredictability of the human body and the humility it can force upon us all. With a blend of empathy, self-deprecation, and lighthearted banter, Dax and Monica create a confessional space that turns mortifying memories into moments of shared humanity and laughter.

Key Discussion Points & Caller Stories

[Kayla’s Ulta Incident] (02:18 – 17:18)

Background: Kayla, from Orange County, shares her college-era story. Juggling two jobs and school, her stressful lifestyle led to 6 days of constipation.
Trigger: Prescribed a laxative after finally visiting the doctor, Kayla downplays her inexperience at the pharmacy, claiming she’s used it before. She takes the medicine at her busy job at an Ulta cosmetics store—an unfortunate choice.
Incident: Feeling a “rumbling,” Kayla bets on it being just a fart. Instead, she experiences a full-blown accident while wearing a long black skirt and thong. She runs to the bathroom, cleans up, throws away the underwear, and rushes home to change.
Aftermath: Upon returning, she discovers traces left in the store. Furtively cleans with makeup remover and alcohol. Weeks later, the manager vaguely references "the cameras" but never explicitly confronts her, leaving Kayla mortified and ambiguous about what was actually seen.
Reflections: Kayla’s accident becomes an icebreaker for her, eventually a badge of survival, though initially deeply embarrassing.
Hosts’ Analysis: Dax and Monica debate the manager’s actions: whether corporate complaints or hazmat concerns warranted a mention, or if ignoring would be kinder. Dax concludes, “What makes this one uniquely cruel… you still had a whole shift to get through. Most people we hear abscond” (15:05).
Notable Quote:
- Dax: “I really like when it happens to girls. Makes me like those girls so much more. I like a girl who's had an accident like this more than one that hasn't.” (14:41)

[Josh’s Teacher Training Fiasco] (23:27 – 32:04)

Setting: Recent graduate Josh describes his first day at a summer school teaching fellowship on the East Coast.
Build-Up: On the morning bus ride to the school, Josh’s stomach becomes uneasy—likely nerves, he thinks. By arrival, it’s urgent.
Incident: While trying to find the staff bathroom, he settles for an empty boys’ room. Just steps from his goal, he fails to make it in time. Fortunately, his boxer briefs contain the worst. He cleans up, tosses his underwear, uses copious paper products, and rejoins his cohort commando-style.
Teaching While Commando: Faces anxiety, self-consciousness all day—especially wearing khakis—with nothing to “hide” behind. Successfully finishes the day without anyone noticing.
Notable Quotes:
- Dax: “Quick inspection, khakis look. Okay, go rejoin the group. Really, I'm not going to say anything to anyone.” (30:02)
- Josh: “It’s just a weird feeling to not have underwear on in front of a classroom of children in khakis…” (30:54)
Lesson: Always carry extra clothes—advice for all teachers in their first year.

[Rachel’s River Tubing Disaster] (36:14 – 47:03)

Story: Rachel (an alter ego), from Wisconsin, nervously recounts a memory she’s repressed for a decade. New to the area, she joins a group tubing trip to make friends.
Trigger: Eats a mayonnaise sandwich (left out overnight) before drinking on the river. About halfway through, food poisoning hits hard—multiple rounds.
Incident: Weighs privacy versus imminent disaster. Ducks to the side of the river, attempts to “splash around” to cover up, but ultimately has to relieve herself three times while still among the group.
Sandbar Scene: At a crowded sandbar, unable to escape, fears being discovered, but manages to maintain plausible deniability by avoiding eye contact and not looking at the water.
Aftermath: Never sees the group again. Boyfriend is too distracted by his own extreme sunburn to notice. Rachel dissociates from the event; Monica assures her this is far more common than she thinks.
Notable Moments:
- Monica: “You'd be surprised how many people have dealt with that.” (46:18)
- Dax: “You kind of got lucky. Of all the places, I got away with it.” (46:07)

[Cara’s (Seattle) Young Life Camp Catastrophe] (47:12 – 58:29)

Camp Context: Cara describes Young Life camp in BC, Canada—a Christian retreat accessible by boat, surrounded by wilderness.
Set-Up: After a hungry night, Cara eats three fiber one bars, ignorant of their effects.
The “Caribbe” Ride: On a group banana-boat-style tube, a high-speed turn tosses everyone into the water. Water jets up Cara’s swimsuit, triggering abrupt “fiber one bar poops.”
Minestrone Soup Analogy: Poop escapes the spandex shorts; Cara is surrounded by floating debris in the inlet. She panics, attempts to discreetly “stir” the water, then endures a half-mile no-shoes walk back to camp in soggy, soiled shorts.
Resolution: Cleans up in camp bathroom, ultimately dives into the pool, reasoning chlorine will sanitize, displaying peak adolescent logic.
Collateral Damage: A cabin-mate breaks her nose in the same accident, handily distracting everyone from Cara’s disaster.
Notable Quotes:
- Cara: “So you know like minestrone soup? If you were to, like, dump that out into a tub that already has water in it... but then you sit in the tub with it...” (52:43)
- Dax: “Percentage wise, there’s six passengers—one broke their nose and one shit their pants.” (56:41)

Additional Highlights & Memorable Quotes

Dax’s Theory on Empathy: “What unites us all… if you haven’t had an unauthorized evacuation, you’re going to at some point.”
Kayla’s Father’s Naming Story: “My dad said he found [my name] while sitting on the toilet in the baby book.” (02:24)
Monica on Solidarity: “You'd be surprised how many people have dealt with that.” (46:18)
Dax on Corporate Blame Game (re Kayla): “Hey, when you shit on the floor, you gotta tell me. Because customers complained.” (16:05)
Cara on Youth Camp Irony: “The emo teen to Young Life staff to therapist pipeline is crazy.” (49:01)

Timestamps for Key Segments

[00:00] – Episode opening, banter and context for “Unauthorized Evacuation” stories
[02:18] – Call with Kayla (Ulta constipation/laxative story)
[17:18] – Hosts process Kayla’s story; transition
[23:27] – Call with Josh (teacher training, bus ride fail)
[32:07] – Call with Rachel (Wisconsin river tubing disaster)
[47:12] – Call with Cara (Young Life Camp, fiber bar / banana boat incident)
[58:33] – Host reflections and wrap-up comments

Thematic Notes

Emphasis on turning shame into camaraderie; stories are told without judgment.
Running joke: Always blame “the kids” or “the dog” for accidents in public.
Acknowledgment that almost everyone, at some point, experiences a loss of bodily control—it's simply part of being human.
Hosts repeatedly advocate for compassion, normalization, and humor in response to bodily mishaps.

Tone & Language

The episode retains its trademark Armchair Expert blend of wit, self-deprecation, and genuine empathy. The hosts’ laughter is contagious, and their support for callers transforms moments of horror into sources of healing and hilarity.

Notable Quotes Collection (with Timestamps)

Kayla (on her aftermath): “It bonded us for life. It was a good story afterwards, but… it took me a long time to admit that happened.” (14:33)
Dax: “What makes this one uniquely cruel is… you still had a whole shift to get through. Most people we hear, people abscond… and you had to keep plodding along.” (15:07)
Josh: “It’s just a weird feeling to not have underwear on in front of a classroom of children in khakis…” (30:54)
Rachel: “I want to be a good friend impression. I don’t want to be the girl that shits her pants on the river.” (40:23)
Cara: “So you know like minestrone soup… but then you sit in the tub with it.” (52:43)
Monica: “You'd be surprised how many people have dealt with that.” (46:18)

Conclusion

This episode revels in the communal awkwardness of being human. Vulnerability and laughter combine as the guests and hosts affirm: what could be more unifying than the humble, embarrassing, and ultimately life-affirming “unauthorized evacuation”? Whether in the middle of a store shift, a classroom, a river float, or a Christian camp lake, the body’s unpredictability is the great equalizer—and, with the right attitude, a source of the best stories.

wavePod

Armchair Anonymous: Unauthorized Evacuation III