Armchair Anonymous: Waterparks

Summary

Armchair Expert: Armchair Anonymous – Waterparks

Host: Dax Shepard
Cohost: Lily Padman
Date: May 15, 2026

---

Episode Overview

This “Armchair Anonymous” episode is all about waterpark stories—embarrassing incidents, physical mishaps, vulnerability, and human messiness that only an all-ages aquatic playground can deliver. Dax and Lily invite listeners to call in and share their wildest, cringiest, most traumatic or hilarious waterpark tales. The result: a uniquely raw, funny, and sometimes horrifying hour that plumbs the depths of bodily shame and aquatic disaster.

---

Key Discussion Points & Caller Stories

1. Waterpark as a Place of Vulnerability

• Dax and Lily open by discussing how waterparks amplify human vulnerability: nearly naked bodies, unpredictable environments, and chaos that turns a simple day of fun into a trial by water.
  • “The water park is like such a vulnerable place for things to go wrong. You’re pretty much naked and things are going wrong.” – Josh [05:10]

---

2. Josh & The Vomit Catastrophe

Setting: Lake Compounce Amusement Park, Connecticut
Timestamp: 02:13 – 13:34

Story Highlights:

• Josh, a college sophomore and water slide operator, recounts a busy summer day working the Mammoth Falls ride.
• While managing a group of six, he witnesses a mother and young daughter, covered in vomit, cut the line to join the next raft group.
• Moments after sending them down, multiple guests arrive, themselves covered in vomit: a young girl at the top of the queue had leaned over and thrown up directly onto the crowd below.
  • “All he said was, ‘It came from up above.’” – Josh, relaying a soaked guest’s words [10:30]
• After chaos and contamination, the ride is shut down, people clean off however they can, and the park’s “rainbow” (code for vomit incident) protocol is enacted.
• Dax and Lily probe for free passes, discuss decency, and reflect on epic park disasters.
  • “What a wonderful mystery… The first ones, like, what’s going on? They’re pushing... Oh, they’ve puked… No, still not the right answer.” – Dax Shepard [12:22]

Notable Quotes:

• “It adds this whole crazier element… you’re wet and naked.” – Dax Shepard [05:17]
• “If I got to pick who I’m getting vomited on, I think that’s my pick.” – Dax Shepard [11:04]

---

3. Abby’s Freshwater Parasite in Bali

Setting: Jungle water gorge, Bali, Summer 2019
Timestamp: 21:36 – 33:36

Story Highlights:

• Abby, raised in Wisconsin, studied in Singapore and visited Bali’s off-the-beaten-path freshwater waterpark after getting sunburned surfing.
• Six years later, she suffers from daily stomachaches—eventually diagnosed as schistosomiasis, a parasitic worm contracted from freshwater exposure in Bali.
  • “No. And it turns out I for six years had had microscopic parasitic worms in my system.” – Abby [27:33]
• She describes the parasite’s life cycle, how her compromised skin barrier (from the sunburn) increased her susceptibility, and the unusual treatment (dosing antiparasitic pills to the quarter).
  • “I had to take exactly 3.75 pills. Like the pharmacist gave me four and I literally had to chip off part of one.” – Abby [30:11]
• Dax and Lily are both horrified and fascinated, discussing the oddness of “worm” stories, tourist versus local resistance, and the subtle horror behind seemingly Instagrammable adventure.
• Abby gives a shout-out to her fiancé, Ethan, as the story ends.

Notable Quotes:

• “As soon as you say worms, it takes it to another level…” – Dax Shepard [31:34]
• “If you didn’t file your taxes in 2022, could have been the worms.” – Dax Shepard [32:54]

---

4. Deidre’s Bathroom Calamity and the Phantom Toe

Setting: Family waterpark trip, North Carolina, 2013
Timestamp: 33:38 – 43:44

Story Highlights:

• Deidre, self-described “extra, extra thick piece of bacon,” experiences sudden diarrhea at the top of a gigantic waterslide.
• After a frantic dash downstairs and navigating “the watery grave” bathroom floor, she enters a stall, strips off her one-piece, and loses her balance while reaching for toilet paper, falling onto the wet floor.
• At that exact moment, another woman slips nearby; her bare foot slides under the partition, and her toes enter Deidre’s vagina.
  • “Her foot comes up underneath my stall and her toes go into my vagina.” – Deidre [39:19]
• Both women, mortified, must complete incident reports for the park. When Deidre tells her husband, he instantly jokes about athlete’s foot.
• The event becomes family legend and Deidre jokes, “I hope the lady whose foot went in my vagina hears this and calls you.”
• Dax and Lily marvel at the odds, label it a “glitch in the simulation,” and laugh about how the story eclipses anyone’s worst day at a waterpark.

Notable Quotes/Moments:

• “I have to tell my story. She has to tell her story. Basically, I just had sexual relations with.” – Deidre [40:43]
• “It was the first time I’d ever had a foot in my vagina.” – Deidre [43:02]
• “The foot in the vagina is so secondary to being on a wet ground, naked in a bathroom.” – Dax Shepard [41:57]

---

5. Madison’s Anal Fissure of Doom

Setting: Water Whiz Park, Cape Cod MA, 2007
Timestamp: 43:46 – 53:48

Story Highlights:

• Madison, 15 and awkward, rides the infamous Pirate’s Plunge slide, known for “notorious wedgies.”
• At the ride’s exit she experiences sharp pain in her nether regions and later finds blood, initially believing she "popped her cherry."
• Realizes days later the pain is in her rectum; suffers in silence for months, biting on hand towels when going to the bathroom to deal with agony.
• Eventually tells her mom, and after misdiagnoses, is sent to Boston Children’s Hospital, where a doctor discovers an "80% anal fissure" with exposed nerves—requiring three surgeries and weeks of a no-food, ice-chip-only recovery regimen.
  • “I tore about 80% of my tissue from, like, an anal fissure and had exposed nerve endings.” – Madison [49:28]
• Rumors at school swirl she was at an eating-disorder clinic; upon her return, it’s easier to ride that stigma than reveal the true cause.
• Story ends with Madison’s appreciation for the show, prompted by her friend Lindsay, and a full circle moment as she finally shares her story publicly.

Notable Quotes:

• “The sad part is, like the fragility of this situation, that it was just easier to go along with that (rumor) than for anybody to know where I really was for the past three weeks.” – Madison [52:03]
• “You never think you could get that kind of pressure from a water slide.” – Dax Shepard [50:59]

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Waterpark Exposure:
  • “You're exposed. They were nude, so it was getting all over their skin. It wasn’t like, on their shirt that they could take off.” – Dax Shepard [13:42]
• On Accidents:
  • “That was the first time I’d ever had a foot in my vagina.” – Deidre [43:02]
• On the Consequences of Fun:
  • “If you get a rash and you get itchy and it’s not from a sunburn… go to your doctor. It’s worth it. I think it’s worth the risk, guys.” – Abby [32:17]
  • “It helps that it was a little girl. If I got to pick who I’m getting vomited on, I think that’s my pick.” – Dax Shepard [11:04]
• On Schoolyard Rumors:
  • “I finally return Back to school three weeks later, I'm down £20 from this liquid only diet and have to now deal with this rumor that the reason I've been out of school is because I was at treatment for an eating disorder.” – Madison [51:59]

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [02:13] Josh shares vomit story at Lake Compounce, CT
• [21:36] Abby describes contracting a parasite in Bali
• [33:38] Deidre recounts the infamous “foot in the vagina” incident
• [43:46] Madison details life-altering water slide injury

---

Episode Tone & Takeaways

• Candid, irreverent, and empathetic, Dax and Lily create a safe, humorous space for callers to own their most mortifying moments.
• The episode ultimately celebrates the humanity behind embarrassment, pain, and the bodily unpredictability that comes from waterparks—reminding us all that these “failures” often make the best stories.

---

Closing Thoughts

• Dax: “You sign a waiver. Don’t come knocking—don’t come running to me. That’s your asshole’s fault, not ours.” [54:08]
• Lily: “I just really don’t like when there’s random blood.” [54:17]

In summary: The episode delivers everything from public humiliation to full-on bodily disaster, told with vulnerability, gusto, and plenty of laughs—a must-listen for anyone who thinks their last pool-day mishap was rough.

Transcript

[Dax Shepard]

Welcome, welcome. Welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard. I'm joined by Lily Padman.

[Lily Padman]

Hi.

[Dax Shepard]

And today we have crazy stories from the water park.

[Lily Padman]

You think you're gonna get E. Coli. You know, that's what you think you're gonna get.

[Dax Shepard]

Did anyone get that? Well, there was a. Some kind of a pathogen.

[Lily Padman]

There wasn't E. Coli that was confirmed.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah. But anything that could go wrong does go wrong in our crazy water park episode. Please enjoy. We are supported by Apple Watch. Scroll long enough, you'll hear it all. Miracle diets, fitness trends, craze, celery juice, you name it. Well, with iPhone and Apple Watch, you get meaningful insights about your health that are backed by science. And best of all, the information you're getting comes from a very trusted source, your body. Because the information you get should reflect the body you're in. With Apple Watch, you can track your sleep quality, your cycle, your cardio fitness and more. Then you can dig into all of that on your iPhone. All of these health insights are developed with clinical experts from start to finish and you can even share that data directly with your doctor. Find out [e-mail] health this message was brought to you by Apple and T Mobile. Apple Watch is not a medical device and should not be used as a substitute for professional medical advice. Thank you to our presenting sponsor. Grubhub Gold Days is here, which feels like a dangerous time to be ordering food because suddenly everyone in your life is very interest interested in what you're eating. Grubhub plus members are getting non stop savings all month long and if you're not a member yet, you can join for just 99 cents a month for six months. That's a 90% discount off of the usual price. Grubhub plus membership, auto renews and terms apply. Sign up now in the app or at grubhub.com/gold. Oh, times come and go, good times, take them slow. My life, I had them both. You gotta know I'm gonna keep on shining.

[Josh]

Hello.

[Abby]

Hi.

[Dax Shepard]

Hi, Josh.

[Josh]

How are you guys?

[Dax Shepard]

Good. We just noticed that on your little Zoom login you have a still from the Claymation or Stop Motion. I guess it's not Claymation but the Stop motion. Christmas.

[Josh]

Yes. It's one of my favorite Christmas time movies and clearly I'm behind on updating my profile picture.

[Dax Shepard]

Which one is it? Is it Rudolph?

[Josh]

No. So that's Santa Claus is coming to town.

[Dax Shepard]

Ah, that's the one that got you. How do you feel about Rudolph? Is that in the running that one's good.

[Josh]

Year without a Santa Claus. Oh, not a big Frosty the Snowman guy.

[Dax Shepard]

That's a pass for you. You like stop motion?

[Josh]

I do, yes.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. And where do you live, Josh?

[Josh]

I currently live in Connecticut.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay. This is our first call from the east coast today. That's exciting. Does your story take place on the east co?

[Josh]

It does. My story takes place at Lake Compounce amusement park.

[Dax Shepard]

Ooh. Well, really quick. Were you close to New York or far from New York?

[Josh]

I'm pretty much like dead center.

[Dax Shepard]

Is ESPN around you?

[Josh]

Yes, actually, ESPN is in the same town as Lake Compounce.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay, great. I just found my bearings.

[Lily Padman]

That was good. Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Thank you. Yeah. It was one time to bore you in New York and we had to do a bunch of press, and then one of the things was like, get in the car at 6. And then I got in. We're going to ESPN and I think it'll be in Times Square or whatever. Rockefeller Center?

[Lily Padman]

Yep.

[Dax Shepard]

No three hour car ride. We're going to Mid State Connecticut. You don't soon forget that. But what was this theme park that was the big summer destination? Was it just water park or was it everything?

[Josh]

So it's everything. It's actually the oldest continuously operating amusement park in the country. But yeah, it's really great. It's kind of a quaint place. It's right on a lake, and they have some really awesome roller coasters and amusement park rides. And then I actually worked in the water park and that's where my story takes place.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay, great. I do love how all of us feel so much love and affinity for whatever amusement park we grew up with.

[Lily Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

So, like, of course, if that were mine, I would know that it was the oldest. That would be my claim.

[Lily Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

And I'll tell you, like, oh, Cedar Point has the most roller coasters.

[Josh]

Yeah. Lake Compounce also has one of the best wooden roller coasters in the world. And so I worked at Lake Compounce. My wife also worked at Lake Compounce at the same time, and she was the one that operated that ride.

[Lily Padman]

Oh, big responsibility.

[Josh]

So if you're ever in Connecticut, definitely try to go on Boulder Dash. That's the ride. Ride.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay. I do love a wooden roller coaster. Yeah, that's my favorite. Okay. But alas, you were working there. What grade were you in?

[Josh]

So I had just finished my sophomore year of college. This was a summer job. I was a water park attendant. I was the guy on top of the water slide helping people go down the slide, making sure they get out okay and sending the next batch. I had nowhere near the responsibility that the lifeguards had. I was just sending people down the slide.

[Dax Shepard]

You're in charge of the gap too. Yeah, I'd imagine.

[Josh]

Yeah. I'm making small talk with the guests. It was a lot of fun.

[Dax Shepard]

I hate to be a perv, but you're talking to chicks in bikinis and stuff. That's got to be fun.

[Lily Padman]

Young man operating the wooden roller.

[Dax Shepard]

You still see the girls in bikinis even when you have a girlfriend.

[Josh]

It made me realize, replaying the story in my head, the water park is like such a vulnerable place for things to go wrong.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Josh]

You're pretty much naked and things are going wrong.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Josh]

So it adds this whole crazier element.

[Dax Shepard]

You're wet and naked. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Josh]

And I'm just up there with like a whistle being like, okay, next.

[Abby]

Yeah.

[Josh]

It was a beautiful summer day and I was working what I think is probably the biggest and the most popular water park ride at Lake Compound. It's called Mammoth Falls and it is a huge green tube. Six people sit in a big yellow raft. The queue line for this ride can be like an hour, two hours long, especially on a busy day.

[Dax Shepard]

Whoa.

[Josh]

And when you enter this ride, you kind of walk down a path almost in the woods. And then there is a like four or five story tall tower of stairs. You climb all the way to the top to get to the top deck. And so that's where I am. And everything's going smooth. A family of four comes up. It's their turn to get into the raft. And I'm all alone up there, so I'm helping this family. Everything's normal. But then out of the corner of my eye, I notice a little bit of a commotion. And it was a woman and an 8 year old girl kind of pushing their way up to the top of this deck. In the moment, I didn't really think much of it. And I usually didn't intervene when people were cutting the line unless people around them started to really make a stink about it. But no one was saying anything. They were kind of just letting this happen. So I just ignored it, was focusing on the family in front of me, getting them ready to go down the slide. Next thing I know, let's say they're mother and daughter. They are jumping into the raft. They have made their way to the top, and now they are inserting themselves with this family of four. And again, like, I wasn't really thinking much in that moment. And there were two open seats. And I think if it was at capacity, I would have been like, please wait. But there were two open seats and they just jumped in. And I thought maybe they were confused and they can join now to try

[Dax Shepard]

to be really generous to them and make a good argument for them. Do you think it's possible that they were operating under the protocol of like a ski chair lift, where it's like, if you're a single, you know, you can get in that singles line. They're like, well, we're not six, so clearly there's going to be a gap for two. Is that possible? Or they were just assholes?

[Josh]

Well, it's kind of part of the story.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

[Josh]

Usually it's the stairs. And then right at the top of the stairs where you enter the top deck, there is kind of a barrier that is set up so that people aren't just flooding this top deck. Because also at the top deck, there's a pretty large pool with about a foot of water. And that's where the raft goes. And then it just filters down the tube. So usually most of the people are all on the stairs. So we really didn't experience people kind of going past that until it was their turn.

[Dax Shepard]

Gotcha.

[Josh]

And so I am ready to send this group of six down the slide. And it was almost as like, just as I let go of the raft, I get a better look at the mother and daughter, and they were completely covered in vomit.

[Deidre]

No,

[Josh]

as you really enter the tube, there's like a waterfall that kind of splashes you. And I just remember seeing the vomit splashing off of them and filling the inner part of this raft.

[Dax Shepard]

Ew.

[Josh]

It was bad. And then they just disappear into the darkness. They're on their way. And so I start panicking because my first thought is, oh, my gosh, we're gonna have to close down this ride. And the line is long, and that's the worst thing to have to do to people is be like, you've waited all this time and now we're shutting down the ride. So I quickly go and grab the phone that is at the top of this deck to call down to the lifeguard. I don't know if this is a universal thing, but at lake compounds any kind of vomit situation. We called it a rainbow.

[Lily Padman]

Oh, all right.

[Josh]

And so I called down to the lifeguard, I said, hey, we got a rainbow. I don't know what's about to come out of this slide, but we're gonna have to shut down the Ride. I'm gonna close the queue line. I'm gonna call the manager.

[Dax Shepard]

What is protocol? Like, what happens when that's flagged?

[Josh]

Usually it's scooping it out. It kind of depends on the severity of the situation. Sometimes it's kind of a temporary pause, like, let's clean it up, make sure it's okay. I remember being told that the raft at the bottom was covered, so that raft had to get pulled. But, yeah, we did end up shutting down the ride. But I'm on the phone talking to the lifeguard, and I'm kind of looking down. I'm away from the queue line and I get a tap on the shoulder and I turn around and there is a large gentleman, shirtless, standing in front of me. He is covered in vomit.

[Lily Padman]

What the fuck is going on? This is a horror movie.

[Josh]

He's very distressed. And then I see a few more people start to push their way up this staircase onto the top deck. What with some amount of vomit all over them.

[Lily Padman]

Oh, what is going on?

[Josh]

I'm panicking. Everyone looks horrified. And I asked the guy, like, what happened? What's going on? And all he said was, it came from up above.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes, it was booting over the side.

[Abby]

Oh.

[Josh]

What happened was this little girl waiting. Whether it was a heat related thing or feeling sick, she pretty much made it to the top of the deck, felt sick, leaned over, threw up all over everyone below her.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, man, that surpasses. I've been pooped on by a bird on the Santa Monica promenade. That's rough. But I can't imagine getting hit in the face with vomit from a stranger's vomit.

[Lily Padman]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Dax Shepard]

It helps that it was a little girl. If I got to pick who I'm getting vomited on, I think that's my pick.

[Josh]

And I think for those folks, it was either let me leave this line and go to the bathroom or I'm coming to the top to try to wash, to get washed.

[Dax Shepard]

That would be my instincts. Like, I need to get in the water now. Was he really covered? Like, it sounds like it was a tremendous amount of puke.

[Josh]

He was covered.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh.

[Josh]

My first thought was, maybe this girl threw up and it got on people next to her. But no, he was covered. It was a mess.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, and then of course, he wants to jump in the water.

[Josh]

Yeah. So I have all these people, they're jumping into this little pool with a foot of water, splashing themselves, just desperately trying to get it off in. My first response was to be like, you got to get out it's not safe. You're going to fall in the slide. But they didn't care. They were like, I need to clear myself off.

[Lily Padman]

Also, there was vomit in the water already.

[Josh]

So it's like the top of the deck was a mess, so I ended up having to clear the whole line, shut down the ride.

[Lily Padman]

Oh, my God, what a disaster.

[Dax Shepard]

Do you think people got free passes for that?

[Josh]

Circumstances like that? There would definitely be some sort of voucher that people can receive.

[Dax Shepard]

You would hope. Yeah. It kind of ruined the trip to the water park to get thrown up on.

[Lily Padman]

That's disgusting.

[Dax Shepard]

What a wonderful mystery, though. The first one's like, what's going on? They're pushing.

[Lily Padman]

We think something's wrong with them.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, they're bitchy. And then also, oh, they've puked. So they just want to get down before she pukes again. No, still not the right.

[Lily Padman]

I'm surprised they didn't say, like, hey, there's a situation.

[Dax Shepard]

Someone's puking from above.

[Lily Padman]

Yeah. The mother and daughter, when they got

[Josh]

in, that's what was strange to me too. It's not like they got at the top of the deck and they're like, hey, we're really sick. Like, we need help. I'm getting on this slide and I'm leaving. I'm going down.

[Dax Shepard]

Decorum.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Lily Padman]

Do you think they were the cause of it?

[Josh]

One of the guests said that they saw the girl throw up over the edge that.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, the girl who ran to the top. Yeah.

[Josh]

It was not good. And the worst part is that ride is so fun because working in this water park, you had a rotation of rides you worked. And so once you were done with your, like, hour block of working on a ride, to go to the next one. And I would always hop on the raft with a family and, like, ride it down to go to the next one. But that one had to shut down the ride. I had to get a bag of cat litter, go down the steps, clean up all the spots that had vomit on it, and make my way to the next ride.

[Dax Shepard]

That slide was probably down for the day.

[Josh]

Yeah, it was.

[Dax Shepard]

We didn't get that back up and running.

[Lily Padman]

Take a minute.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, grody.

[Lily Padman]

I hate thinking about what goes on in these public environments.

[Dax Shepard]

And to Josh's first point, they were exposed. They were nude, so it was getting all over their skin. It wasn't like, on their shirt that they could take off on their sides.

[Lily Padman]

Mouth, maybe.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Lily Padman]

Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. How long did you work there?

[Josh]

I was there for two summers.

[Dax Shepard]

Did you Want to work there forever?

[Josh]

No, it was just a summer job. There are so many stories at this water park.

[Dax Shepard]

Were there poop incidents? Did people have unauthorized evacuations?

[Josh]

I never actually saw or dealt with that.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, that's good.

[Lily Padman]

That's encouraging because that's E. Coli, you know, that's an E. Coli scare.

[Josh]

That's a mess. There would be a few times where that would happen in the pools. That's when you really have to drain the whole pool. But I never like, dealt with that firsthand.

[Dax Shepard]

I went to a water park on the outskirts of Seattle and I was wearing a pair of shorts that I had been wearing way too many summers. I was probably my fifth summer in these shorts. So they were big with my friend Colleen. Yeah, they were really kind of thin. And we went down one of these really tall, like 45 degree angle, really fast, you know, cross your legs type slides and dueling slides were next to each other. And we go down and then we get into the water and then we come out of the water and we're getting the water out of our hair and then we just start walking. And then all of a sudden and we walk for a minute and she goes, oh my God, my entire butt cheeks were out. It had ripped the whole back of my fucking shorts off. And again, I left all my clothes in the car. I didn't want to get a locker or anything. So I entered in just that swimsu. So I had to walk through the park with my hands over my butt crack. Oh. And go back out to the car. And she kind of walked behind me.

[Lily Padman]

Pretty self conscious about your butt crack.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Uh huh. So if that happened to me, I can only imagine. I bet there's a ton of swimsuit disasters there.

[Josh]

Oh, all the time.

[Lily Padman]

Thanks for sharing.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, thanks, Josh.

[Josh]

Of course. Do you mind if I bring my wife on to say hi?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, let's talk to her.

[Josh]

She's the one that got me into the podcast. She was a listener way before me.

[Lily Padman]

Oh, she's wearing a robot.

[Deidre]

Hi.

[Madison]

Yes, I'm wearing the robot.

[Dax Shepard]

It looks so cute. Welcome, welcome, welcome. We heard you worked the tallest, fastest wooden roller coaster.

[Ethan]

That's right. I sure did.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Anything exciting happened there? I mean, people must have come back in all kinds of states of mind.

[Ethan]

Oh, absolutely. We saw a lot of things on that roller coaster. Cause that was the destination for the park. So you got a lot of people who would travel from across the country. We'd have roller coaster enthusiasts that would come to ride this particular wooden roller coaster. So it was Cool. You got to see all different types of people. Some having really great days, some not so much. Cause they were very scared.

[Lily Padman]

Did you get promoted to that position? Like that's like the best position you can have in the park?

[Ethan]

No, that's the first one I had.

[Deidre]

Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

First and last.

[Ethan]

I think I just got lucky. But it was fun. Cause we were working there at the same time and we were dating and so we sometimes would get lunch together or he'd wave at me.

[Lily Padman]

And then you get PQs.

[Dax Shepard]

I like it. Well, it's nice meeting both of you.

[Ethan]

Yes, likewise. Thank you guys so much for having us.

[Dax Shepard]

Take care.

[Lily Padman]

Bye.

[Dax Shepard]

We are supported by quints. Monica. We love quints.

[Lily Padman]

We do. We do love quints.

[Dax Shepard]

We genuinely do. I've become obsessed with how they do things. They make these European linen shorts and shirts. 100% European linen. And they feel incredible. Lightweight, breathable, but still look polished.

[Lily Padman]

And it's perfect for this time of year. Spring loves linen. I feel like everything they make is super luxe, but it doesn't break the bank.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

And the way they keep prices low is they work directly with ethical factories. No middlemen, no retail markup. So you're getting premium materials at 50 to 80% less than comparable brands like those linen shorts start at $34.

[Lily Padman]

I know, I hate to keep talking about the linen shorts, but guys, the linen shorts are really, really cute. They look classic, they look timeless. They look really expensive and they're so comfortable. I was honestly surprised by how good they feel.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, they're very breathable. Lynn is a nice, nice material.

[Lily Padman]

It's a good material.

[Dax Shepard]

Refresh your everyday with luxury you'll actually use. Head to quince.comdax for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q U I-n c e.comdax for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.comdax this episode is brought to you by SoFi, the All in one finance app, where you can bank, borrow and invest all in one place.

[Lily Padman]

Let's talk bank accounts for a second. The average bank Savings rate is 0.39% in interest. You're earning pennies on your savings. But it does not have to be

[Dax Shepard]

that way with SoFi. High yield checking and savings, the money barely making moves sitting in your savings account can earn over eight times the national average savings rate. With eligible direct deposit, no account or

[Lily Padman]

overdraft fees, which feels rare these days. You can get your paycheck up to two days Early. Perfect for getting ahead of a bill or grabbing what you need right when you need it.

[Dax Shepard]

Plus get up to a $300 welcome bonus when you sign up with eligible direct deposit. Sign up for SoFi Checking and Savings at sofi.com armchair SoFi Checking and Savings is offered through SoFi Bank, NA Member FDIC terms apply. We are supported by Helix. So, Monica, you've been sleeping on a Helix for what, a year now?

[Lily Padman]

A few years now.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh my gosh.

[Lily Padman]

They sponsored a previous show and I got a Helix mattress and it's holding up.

[Dax Shepard]

It is.

[Lily Padman]

I still got it and I really like it because it's so personalized to me.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, they're so personalized. You pick side, sleeper, back sleeper, whether you run hot or not. That's why I love mine. I haven't had mine as long as you have, but mine is in tip top shape after about six months of hardware. Let's be honest, I'm meditating in there. I'm journal, I'm sleeping there. I'm virtually living in there.

[Lily Padman]

And there's actually science behind why we're sleeping better. 82% of those involved in a recent study saw an increase in their deep sleep cycle while sleeping on a Helix mattress.

[Dax Shepard]

They've got over 20 mattress models, so there's one designed specifically for how you sleep. Plus free shipping, 120 night sleep trial and a limited lifetime warranty. Go to helixsleep.com armchair for 27% off site wide. That's H E L I X sleep.com armchair for 27 off. Make sure you enter our show name at checkout so they know we sent you helixsleep.com armchair this podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. I feel like spring always does this thing where you realize you've been thinking about something for a long time and suddenly it feels like, okay, maybe I actually do something with it.

[Lily Padman]

Totally. It's less pressure, but more like readiness.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, like you've been sitting on an idea or a project or even just a perspective you care about, and now you're like, like, maybe this deserves to exist somewhere outside of my own head.

[Lily Padman]

In May being Mental Health Awareness Month, there's already this broader conversation happening. People are more open, more curious, more willing to engage, which is where something

[Dax Shepard]

like Squarespace comes in. It makes that jump from idea to actual thing feel way less overwhelming. You can build a site that looks good, works well, and actually reflects what you're trying to put out there.

[Lily Padman]

And it's not just hypothetical. Wabi Wob literally used Squarespace to build our site.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. And Wabi Wob is not trying to spend 40 hours figuring out web design.

[Lily Padman]

It just works, which is kind of the point.

[Dax Shepard]

So if you've been sitting on something and waiting for the right moment, this might be it. Head to squarespace.comdax for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code DAX to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[Abby]

Hi.

[Deidre]

Hi.

[Abby]

Oh, my gosh. So nice to meet you guys.

[Dax Shepard]

Abby, where are you?

[Abby]

So I am in Boston right now.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. That feels right for you. Yeah, that would have been in a top three guess for me.

[Lily Padman]

Really?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. You look Irish to me. Are you Irish?

[Abby]

Definitely, yes.

[Dax Shepard]

Very fucking Irish.

[Abby]

Yeah. Plays into the story just the tiniest bit.

[Lily Padman]

Oh, that's funny.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, well, please take us through your water park experience.

[Abby]

Okay, well, so first I want to say I was born and raised in Wisconsin, so I really hope you guys get some story from Wisconsin Dells because it is the water park capital of the world. And sadly, my story's not from there.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay. Now, we did just talk to someone from Wisconsin, but they had pooped their pants. That's why we talked to them.

[Lily Padman]

That was different.

[Dax Shepard]

On a tubing trip. Did you ever go tubing in Wisconsin?

[Abby]

Not in Wisconsin, but lots of good water adventures there.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, great.

[Lily Padman]

Wisconsin is what I would have guessed.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, well, you would be right.

[Lily Padman]

It makes sense.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Abby]

You should have said that first.

[Lily Padman]

I know, but I'm just so shy.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, she's so timid and afraid.

[Abby]

Yeah, I've noticed that about you.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. So not in Wisconsin, though, this water park story.

[Abby]

Yes. So my story takes place in Bali.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh.

[Abby]

Summer of 2019. I just finished my freshman year of college, and so I got the opportunity to work in a lab in Singapore with a bunch of other university students. It was like the opportunity of a lifetime. So I was like, okay, if I'm going to be in Singapore all summer and being paid to be there, like, I wanted to travel every single weekend.

[Dax Shepard]

And what kind of lab are we talking about?

[Abby]

It was antimicrobial resistance bacteria kind of lab. One of the places that we went to was Bali. I did a long weekend girls trip there, and it was as fun as you could, like, possibly imagine. Acai bowls every day, walking on the beach, surfing, hiking. All the amazing things you imagine about Bali. That's what that trip was.

[Dax Shepard]

Was it so hot, though? I went one time and I think it is in the top three prettiest places I've ever been in. My life. But also it's the hottest place I've ever felt in my life.

[Abby]

Well, so since I'd been l in Singapore for a few months at that time and kind of like acclimated, it didn't feel too bad because Singapore is like 100 and 100% humidity every day. So, yeah, it's brutal.

[Dax Shepard]

I was on a cruise ship, and when we got off the cruise ship to get on the little tender to go over to Bali, it was like walking into a blast furnace. It was just like, oh, my God, this is overwhelming.

[Abby]

Yeah, that's about right. So the first day we went surfing, and this is important because I got sunburnt over, like my entire backside. 50% of my body was completely sunburnt.

[Dax Shepard]

For the listener, Abby is very fair skinned, blonde hair.

[Abby]

In my defense, I did put on sunscreen, but I think I wasn't that good at surfing. So I did a lot more like, tumbling than riding the waves. And I think that maybe contributed to the sunscreen coming off a bit too quickly. So then the day that the story takes place, we had a driver because that was cheaper than having, like a taxi or anything. And he suggested this kind of like, cool, slightly off the beaten path, little water place for us to go to. And so, so we drove through the rice paddies and these like, pepper fields and stuff. And all of a sudden you are in the Indonesian jungle. And it's like so beautiful and green all around. And there's this huge gorge that goes through. And the gorge is two to three stories high, the walls for most parts, and this black gray stone. So it's this like super cool, shady vibe where like the vines are hanging down onto the rocks. And then they basically have it set up as this natural water park, like

[Dax Shepard]

a flume, like you're going through, like, carved out of volcanic rock.

[Abby]

Yeah. And there's like water flowing through there.

[Dax Shepard]

Made for Instagram?

[Lily Padman]

Yes.

[Abby]

Oh, for sure.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Abby]

Unfortunately, I was wearing a long sleeve T shirt because I was too sunburnt. So no good Instagram pics that day. But it was so fun nonetheless. Our guide was super nice and we were walking through and there's some places where the water's like ankle deep and you're kind of just hiking. And there's some places where it's like chest deep and so you're kind of like grabbing onto your friends, pulling them through the current and like climbing over the rocks and some places where the water is like deep enough for you to climb up the rocks and jump into the Water and cliff dive, kind of.

[Dax Shepard]

This is a heaven.

[Abby]

It was heaven. And our guide was really encouraging us to be brave and jump and have a good time. So I really appreciated that. And then the other part that I thought was really cool was that the water inside the gorge was all fresh water. And having spent the whole summer in that Southeast Asia region, everything is like salt water. And being a Wisconsin girl, I really like that freshwater feeling. It just feels nicer on my skin. I like it. It feels like at home for me. So I remember that being distinctly nice about being there.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Yeah. I'm a freshwater guy too. The fresh coast.

[Abby]

Yeah, I love it. So now we fast forward six years. Oh, and this Bali trip and the time at the natural water park are just kind of like a distant fond memory. And I think about the water park. Oh, like that was like such a cool little adventure that we went on. Whatever. But. So it was 2025 and I was having really bad issues with pretty constant stomach aches. Like every single day I have a stomachache. I'm curled over. I feel so bad. I'm going to work pretending everything's fine, but it's really not. I feel horrible. And so I'm seeing my pcp. I'm seeing a GI doctor.

[Dax Shepard]

What's a pcp?

[Lily Padman]

Primary care physician.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, great.

[Abby]

So I'm seeing them. I'm doing so many blood tests. I even got a colonoscopy. So kind of crazy that I can relate to your colonoscopy stories at age 26, but. So we kind of did everything and eventually we're sor of like grasping for straws. And my GI doctor asked me if I'd ever been to Southeast Asia or Africa. Oh, I said I had been, but it was like six years ago, so probably irrelevant. And then she asked if I'd ever been in fresh water there. And now I think back to the water park.

[Dax Shepard]

No.

[Abby]

No. And it turns out I for six years had had microscopic parasitic worms in my system.

[Dax Shepard]

Also, the irony that you were there doing antimicrobial work in Singapore.

[Lily Padman]

This feels unfair.

[Dax Shepard]

The microbes were like, oh, you want to fuck with us?

[Lily Padman]

Wait, what if the microbes actually got in from the lab?

[Abby]

It's so gross. They literally swim into your skin in the water.

[Lily Padman]

Really flesh eating.

[Dax Shepard]

So wait, did they? Okay, I have a lot of questions and you seem perfectly suited to answer them on a biological level. Do you think the people that live there and interact with that water all the time, are they all just infested with these worms or they somehow have some, some other microbe in their body that's keeping that in check. What's going on with those folks?

[Abby]

Yeah, so I did some research on it and there's at any given time like 200 million people in the world that actually have this. So it's super common, but it's not common for a tourist because you're not usually in that type of water. But like a lot of the young kids who are like bathing in that water or drinking from that water, like using that water for different things, they're getting this parasite and there's an anti parasitic drug to get rid of it. But for me personally, I didn't have the early signs that I had the parasite because the early signs are fatigue, rash and really itchy skin. But I had a rash over 50% of my body from my sunburn. Oh, literally, it was so gross. All of my skin peeled off within a few weeks because it was so badly sunburnt. And so. So I was super, super itchy after I'd gotten this sunburn. So I had kind of like rashes and I had really itchy skin. But it didn't really tip me off that it was something like that. I was like, well, obviously I'm just got a sunburn.

[Dax Shepard]

This should be in the textbook for correlation versus causation.

[Abby]

Definitely.

[Dax Shepard]

So I need to know about the treatment. But was your first thought was like, okay, all the girls on the trip, I need to call them and find out if they have this?

[Abby]

Yeah, I was actually having like a college reunion with them a few weeks later. So it was kind of the perfect opening line conversation starter with them being like, just so you know, like, I've had this parasite for six years. If you think you might have it, talk to your doctor.

[Dax Shepard]

Did anyone say they were having stomach issues or.

[Abby]

No, no one else said that they ended up getting it. But I might have also been more susceptible, like with the sunburn, because it really hurts your skin barrier. So probably wasn't as good with my defenses as they were at that time.

[Dax Shepard]

And what's the name of the actual parasite you had?

[Abby]

Oh, I'm going to butcher the pronunciation, but it's like shishto, something like that.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, shit. Shit. Psomiasis.

[Abby]

Exactly.

[Dax Shepard]

And what's the treatment?

[Abby]

There's pills you take, but it's very specific the amount of pill you take too. So I had to go to the doctor and get weighed before I got prescribed the pills. And I had to take exactly 3.75 pills. And so like the pharmacist gave me four and I literally had to like chip off part of one of them and take the exact right amount for my body weight.

[Dax Shepard]

So how long did it take before you felt better? And then a really gross question. Do you pass them? Are they in your stool? Can you see them? Sorry.

[Abby]

Yeah, so I got better like pretty much immediately after you take the pills. It's like pretty much done within the next day or so, which is really nice. But yeah, you kind of like pass it through your stool. And the crazy thing is they can live in you for way longer than six years. Like it could live in you for up to like three decades. What? Oh, I know, it's so crazy. So I think I was probably pooping some out over time, but they just keep reproducing and stuff like that, so I didn't really know to look for them.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, last question. Just cause I'm a little too into the microbiome. Did the treatment also kill off a lot of your good microbes? And did you have to repopulate? Was there collateral damage in this?

[Abby]

I didn't have to do anything. I wasn't recommended to do anything. And you maybe don't want to know if you're damaging your microbiome, just be happy with the fix that you got.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Don't worry about the water leak, if the roof's on fire situation.

[Lily Padman]

We gotta get rid of these worms that entered through your skin.

[Dax Shepard]

As soon as you say worms, it takes it to another. I was preparing myself for a tapeworm story. What she said. Six years later, I'm like, okay, she got some.

[Lily Padman]

I thought you had Zika.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh no.

[Abby]

Thankfully no.

[Dax Shepard]

Isn't that from mosquitoes?

[Lily Padman]

I don't know, but it's in those areas.

[Dax Shepard]

Uh huh.

[Lily Padman]

Scary.

[Dax Shepard]

But you're now healthy as a horse.

[Abby]

Thankfully. You know, knock on wood.

[Dax Shepard]

God. I'm trying to decide how I move forward having heard this story. How many other gals were with you in this excursion?

[Abby]

Three other girls.

[Dax Shepard]

So 25% chance.

[Lily Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

And I'm trying to think if I would still do it.

[Lily Padman]

Go there?

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. I want to see it. It sounds so fun. Was it so fun?

[Abby]

It was so fun. And honestly it seems like based on the number of people that get it every year, you probably would get it.

[Lily Padman]

Oh my God.

[Abby]

If you get a rash and you get itchy and it's not from a sunburn.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Abby]

Then that's like a good tip to like go to your doctor. It's worth it. I think it's worth the risk, guys.

[Deidre]

No, no.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. I recommend it, too.

[Lily Padman]

I'd like to be on record saying I do not recommend doing this.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, Abby, what a story.

[Lily Padman]

I'm so glad you figured it out.

[Dax Shepard]

And I guess the Irishness did come to play in the sunburn.

[Abby]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

How do you do with anesthetic? Any wild experience? Experiences.

[Abby]

Oh, my gosh. It honestly is so bad. I've had issues with, like, a gum graft where it wasn't anesthetized enough. And post colonoscopy, I, like, threw up everywhere.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, no. Wow.

[Lily Padman]

So you can't. It's not good for you.

[Abby]

Yeah, it's not good.

[Lily Padman]

But maybe you threw up because worms were in your body. We could start looking back and worms

[Dax Shepard]

could be caused of everything. Yeah. If you didn't file your taxes in 2022, could have been the worms.

[Abby]

It could have. Exactly. Exactly.

[Lily Padman]

Oh, wow.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, Abby, it's so delightful to meet you.

[Abby]

Thank you. Well, I really appreciate it. And I just want to give one quick shout out, too, to my fiance, Ethan. He is the funniest, kindest, most handsome, amazing cat dad ever.

[Lily Padman]

Oh, we love Ethan.

[Abby]

And exactly one month from today, he is gonna become my husband.

[Madison]

Yay.

[Abby]

Have to shout him out for that.

[Lily Padman]

Congratulations.

[Dax Shepard]

April showers bring May wedding.

[Abby]

Exactly.

[Madison]

That's what they say.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, congratulations, and we wish you a ton of luck on this union. And he sounds like a big babe, and I'm happy for you.

[Abby]

Thank you so much.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, nice meeting you, Abby.

[Abby]

Bye.

[Dax Shepard]

Bye. Hi. Hi, Deidre. Where are you in the country?

[Deidre]

I'm near Lake Norman in North Carolina. Huntersville.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Is that closer to Raleigh or to Charlotte?

[Deidre]

Charlotte.

[Dax Shepard]

And do NASCAR people live on that lake?

[Deidre]

I've heard NASCAR basketball country stars.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, nice place to be. I follow a few NASCAR drivers, and I see them on their cool boats on the lake, and I bet it's that lake.

[Deidre]

Yeah, they have, like, helicopters on some of the houses around here. Little planes. We just have an suv.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, well, that's all one needs. Okay, so you have a water park story.

[Deidre]

It's taken me a lot of years to tell it, so. 2013, we were on family vacation. My kids were 6 and 10. They are now 19 and 23. They begged us, can we go to a water park? It's not my husband and my favorite thing to do, but we thought, you know, what? What the hell? Bought tickets, went. So we're about halfway through the day, it's time to go to the tallest, biggest, darkest water slide they have. And I want to talk about the version of myself at that point in 2013. This is very important. I'm thick now, but I was an extra, extra thick piece of bacon then. That's very important.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Lily Padman]

Okay.

[Deidre]

We climb up the 17,000 stairs. We get to the top. There's about five families in front of us, and I get instant diarrhea. And I look at my husband and I and like, I've got to go. I've got to go now.

[Dax Shepard]

This episode is brought to you by Pendulum. Now, listen, I'm gonna be honest with you. Until pretty recently, if someone said microbiome to me, I would've assumed they were trying to sell me something at a juice bar in Silver Lake. But it turns out your gut health is kind of running the whole operation. Your energy, your cravings, how you digest food, even your mood. So much of that traces back to what's going on in your gut. And once you start looking into it, it's one of those things you can't really unlearn. Pendulum Metabolic Daily is doing something different. They focus on what are called keystone strains, including a live strain called Akkermansia, which you can only get from breast milk. It's also the number one GI doctor recommended Akkermansia product. So if you're curious about the gut side of the equation, check out pendulum. Go to pendulumlife.com armchair to save 20% on your first order using DAX20. This episode is brought to you by Walden University. So here's something I've been thinking about. There are people out there who want to make real change. Not just talk about it, but actually do it. Maybe it's advancing in their career. Maybe it's making a difference in their community. And they're working full time, juggling life, wondering if going back to school is even possible. Possible. That's where Walden University comes in. For over 50 years, they've been helping working professionals get the w. The knowledge, the skills, the confidence to build the future they actually want. Here's what makes it work. Walden's tempo. Learning means you're in control. No rigid weekly deadlines, no set schedules. You move through your degree at your own pace, on your terms. And you're learning from faculty who've actually been there. Scholars and practitioners with real world experience, 94% of whom hold doctoral degrees. If you've been waiting for the right moments. Moment. This is it. Head to Waldenu. Edu and take that first step. Walden University set a course for change. Certified to operate by Chev.

[Deidre]

So I go down the stairs as fast can. I'm like pry dog in the whole way. Please do not let me in. This swimsuit will ruin the whole day. I get to the bathroom, we walk in and it is like a watery grave in there. They have not taken care of the floors.

[Lily Padman]

Disgusting.

[Deidre]

It's crazy. So I'm carefully trying to get to the stall. But at that time, and you may remember, this really was in style was these like foam wedge shoes that were kind of like flip flops which I wore. My husband is 6 5. I'm 5 7. Kind of always trying to be a little taller. I have that on. I have a cover up and a full piece bathing suit, you guys. I get to the stall, I lock the door.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm like, God, you consider just pulling it to the side? Because what a panic. Like I feel like having to get out of a one piece versus just pull it to the side.

[Deidre]

I actually had that thought and I was like, if I get shit on myself, I will gag. I can't do it.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. You're sensitive to this whole also.

[Lily Padman]

Yeah. It does run the risk of it getting more places.

[Deidre]

Yeah. And you want to be clean. So took it offside. I'm like, thank God. Did what I needed to do.

[Abby]

Right.

[Dax Shepard]

Really quick. I do need a little more detail, unfortunately. Do you think all the motion of the day. Did you drink some pool water? Had you eaten something dicey? Was it a flu? How do we explain this?

[Deidre]

I think it was what I chose to eat mixed with an alcoholic beverage. It doesn't take me a lot. Okay, one drink, I'm done. So it's time to lean in. Now let's talk about the size. Okay. I want to get a clean wipe, guys. I have a long torso, short arms. So I am now on my tiptoe, leaning forward. Go to get a great wipe, you guys. When I do, I slip, I fall.

[Madison]

No.

[Deidre]

Oh.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh.

[Deidre]

It gets worse.

[Dax Shepard]

And you're bare. Naked.

[Deidre]

Bare naked. Okay. But behind us all, there's nothing grosser

[Dax Shepard]

to me in the world than a wet fucking bathroom floor. When you go to a public pool or a campground, it is the worst.

[Deidre]

It is disgusting. So I'm on my knees in a prayer, but my legs are wide open. As the universe would have it, it. There is a woman walking on the other side of the stall who falls.

[Abby]

No.

[Deidre]

Flat on her back. Her foot comes up underneath my stall and her toes go into my vagina.

[Dax Shepard]

No, no, no, no, no. What the.

[Deidre]

I swear to God.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God, what timing. She was barefoot in the bathroom.

[Deidre]

She knows what she touched. I know what she's touching.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh.

[Deidre]

And we're I'm getting up and I'm like, are you okay? Yeah, are you okay? We're just talking through the door. She leaves. And I'm like, I don't even fucking know what just happened.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, I would go to the car if I were you. That'd be a wrap on the day for me. I just almost shit my suit. I fell on a wet floor. A stranger's toes went in my vagina. I mean, this is. This is impossible.

[Deidre]

It is impossible. And so I do what I need to do. I clean up, I get my suit back on. I'm like, I'm not coming out of this stall. Like, I don't want to see her. I need her to be like, far, far from the bathroom. And all of a sudden I hear, ma', am, we're going to need you to come out the other party and you need to fill out an incident report. And I was like, no. Oh, no. I was like, I'm good. I don't need to fall. Yeah, for liability reasons, you need to fill out an incident report.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, you got to be on record a paper trail of this.

[Deidre]

Out I come, I see the lady. Basically, I just had sexual relations with.

[Dax Shepard]

What kind of gal was she? What age was she?

[Deidre]

In her 40s, I would guess.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. A little older. Okay.

[Deidre]

She had her whole crew there. I was solo. I have to tell my story. She has to tell her story. I finally get out of the bathroom. 30 minutes, my family is waiting for me. My husband, what the hell happened? He's like, you look traumatized. I was like, think I tell him? He dies laughing. But instead of comforting me, he said, oh, my God, I hope she didn't have athletes feet.

[Dax Shepard]

Sure. It crossed my mind as a guy. I didn't say it.

[Deidre]

I'm already concerned about a possible yeast infection.

[Lily Padman]

I was about to say uti, Right.

[Deidre]

I had him swear to secrecy that day. Do not ever, ever tell this story. It took him about three years, and we were at like a cookout on

[Dax Shepard]

July 4th, and he's all tipsy.

[Deidre]

Yeah. He's like, hey, guys, you do wants to tell you a water park story that was in 2000 2016, and it has been told so many times. I hope the lady whose foot went in my vagina hears this and calls you.

[Dax Shepard]

What could be better? Like, we have one last caller and it's from Madison. It could be.

[Lily Padman]

I mean, I hope.

[Dax Shepard]

Fingers, toes crossed.

[Deidre]

Please message me back. We started off on the wrong foot. I guess we could have a nice little date or something.

[Lily Padman]

That's insane.

[Dax Shepard]

I don't know how I would recover. Honest to God, the foot in the vagina, to me is so secondary to being on the. A wet ground, naked in a bathroom

[Lily Padman]

that she was on it.

[Dax Shepard]

Her feet were in that water.

[Deidre]

Her feet were on it. What are the chances? Hence the title of when I wrote in, I was like, I was towed at a water park. But it's like, how does that happen? I have tried to figure out just how in the world. The timing.

[Dax Shepard]

It might be a glitch in the sand.

[Abby]

It does.

[Lily Padman]

It sounds like something possible. Like a true glitch.

[Dax Shepard]

A true glitch.

[Lily Padman]

Yeah, they happen sometimes.

[Dax Shepard]

CPU overheating.

[Lily Padman]

My dad. I'll talk to him about this.

[Dax Shepard]

Dear kids, were they aware of the story?

[Deidre]

Not at that age, but as they got older they did. And it's been repeated. I meet my daughter's adult friends and they're like, can you please tell the water park story?

[Dax Shepard]

Well, they owe you. You didn't want to go to the water park. You win. And then you got footed.

[Deidre]

I got towed.

[Lily Padman]

Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow. What a banger. That's fantastic. You know, we thought we were getting water parking. It was unauthorized evacuation, slip and fall. Tell us about a time you. You got a stranger's foot in your vagina.

[Deidre]

It was the first time I'd ever had a foot in my vagina.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow. Wow.

[Lily Padman]

What if you ended up really liking it and then it started becoming a kink?

[Deidre]

Oh, man. Part two. Part two.

[Lily Padman]

Yeah. Exactly.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, well, it's a delight to meet you.

[Deidre]

Hey, great to meet you guys. Thanks for having me.

[Dax Shepard]

You're clearly a lot of fun. I'm happy for your kids. They got a. Clearly, a very fun mom.

[Deidre]

We like to have fun. My husband's not too bad either.

[Dax Shepard]

6 5. He's got no choice. You can't be a wallflower at 6 5. You gotta own it.

[Deidre]

He owns it. Monica, your podcast cast. Beth's dead. Best thing ever, I just want to tell you that.

[Lily Padman]

So happy you liked it.

[Dax Shepard]

It was the best thing ever.

[Lily Padman]

Thank you for listening.

[Dax Shepard]

Send our love to your family. All right, bye. Great meeting you.

[Deidre]

Great to meet you guys.

[Abby]

Hi.

[Dax Shepard]

Hi. Is this Madison?

[Abby]

It is.

[Madison]

Can you hear me okay?

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. How did you pick Madison?

[Madison]

It's an ode to a good friend, and I hope she appreciates it.

[Lily Padman]

That's sweet.

[Dax Shepard]

Where are you?

[Madison]

I am in Massachusetts.

[Dax Shepard]

Great. That's our second one today.

[Madison]

Oh, yeah. I wonder if it's the same water park. I wouldn't be surprised.

[Dax Shepard]

What was the name of this one?

[Madison]

This is called Water Whiz on Cape Cod.

[Dax Shepard]

No, no, that's new. This is novel. Okay, set the scene for us. What year is it? Walk us through it.

[Madison]

All right. The year is 2007. And I'm an awkward 15 year old girl, which is, is really crucial to this story. So I was at Water Wiz near Cape Cod with my best friend and her family and I was wearing this like cutesy bikini. And in the middle of the water park is this giant black enclosed slide. It's like at least 50ft tall. It's known for giving notorious wedgies. And if you've ever seen the movie Grownups with Adam Sandler, then like, you've seen it.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, okay. And this is one you're in an entirely enclosed tube, right? And you're flying, turning, and then the fiberglass with the seams are cutting your back.

[Madison]

All of the above.

[Lily Padman]

Are you on a mat?

[Madison]

Nope. Straight body down. And there's always like teenage boys, you know, at the bottom looking to sneak a peek of someone's butt cheek because the wedgies are part of the ride.

[Dax Shepard]

Also, people are probably losing their tops occasionally.

[Madison]

Absolutely.

[Lily Padman]

Also, some people just take them off in there.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, I know maybe.

[Madison]

Okay, so I go plummeting down this slide and I get more than just the wedgie I bargained for. I get to the bottom and I immediately know something's wrong because I have this intense pain in the bottom area of my bathing suit and I can barely stand up.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, no. Okay, now really quick is the pain in your butt or your vagina?

[Madison]

So that's the to be determined. So I go to the bathroom and there's like some blood.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh,

[Lily Padman]

no.

[Dax Shepard]

Monica's very sensitive to these vagina stories. Like the woman who fell in the movie. I know, I think about it all

[Madison]

the time of being 15 is really like a crucial part of this story. And I had no idea what was happening. Just like this general throb. And I was like a very inexperienced 15 year old girl at the time. So I laugh to my friend and tell her that I popped my cherry.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, sure, sure.

[Madison]

And we're just like convinced. Cause when you're 15, you hear it can happen like riding a horse or other things. So I was like, this is my experience. It happened on Pirate's Plunge. So I tell nobody except her this is like our little secret that I popped my cherry on Pirate's Plunge at Water Wiz.

[Dax Shepard]

Really quick, Madison, the bleeding stopped or did you have to put like a bird's nest of toilet paper in there? Where were we?

[Madison]

At with the bleeding, I definitely put some toilet paper in there, but it's not like a heavy bleed.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Deidre]

Okay.

[Madison]

At the time. So I tell obviously no one. And days later I can tell that it's definitely my asshole that's hurting.

[Lily Padman]

Oh boy. Oh, you popped a different cherry.

[Madison]

As a 15 year old girl, I don't just go home and tell my mom, like, oh, my butt hurts.

[Lily Padman]

Never.

[Madison]

I would never exactly, like, not something you do. So days go by, weeks go by, and I'm in excruciating pain. And in the meantime, I'm going to school, I'm dancing. I climbed the Statue of Liberty.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wait a minute. How does one climb the Statue of Liberty?

[Deidre]

You could.

[Madison]

You used to be able to do that.

[Lily Padman]

Yeah, there were stairs.

[Madison]

So I resorted at this point to only going to the bathroom at my own house because I would literally need to bite on my family's hand towels that were hanging next to the toilet because of how much pain I was in.

[Dax Shepard]

And would you bleed every time you had a bowel movement?

[Madison]

Not really. Probably like streaky, but like, not like heavy. Finally, after, like shitting myself, I decide I tell my mom that something is going on. It's the end of November at this point, and this had happened in middle of July.

[Lily Padman]

Oh my, you are a trooper. And also, we just need to be able to talk to our moms.

[Madison]

I know since giving birth, I would say this topped it. Imagine the feeling of like acid pee on an open wound. No, absolutely horrible pain. Anyways, my mom ends up bringing me to like my family pediatrician. And I at this point won't let anybody like touch me or like do like an internal or external exam. So they tell my mom that it's like most likely a hemorrhoid. And after several more weeks of no relief from like this over the counter hemorrhoid cream that they kept saying, oh, it's going to take time. And I'm like, well, don't you think slowly over time it should be like getting better? So at this point my mom's like sick of hearing that my pain is like a 10 out of 10. And it doesn't help that I'm the middle child who's kind of like, like has the reputation for being the dramatic one, always looking for a little attention. Like, my mom's like, what do you mean it's a 10 out of 10? If that's serious, then we're gonna go to Boston Children's Hospital. So I'm like, okay, we do, we get the referral we go. And during the first visit in Boston, I met with this really amazing doctor who I would say this was non consensual, but definitely being a minor. My mom knew what was going down. He told me he was gonna just take a look, but instead he stuck several fingers up my asshole to determine the size of the hole he would be working with.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Madison]

So he determined that I had tore about 80% of my tissue from, like, an anal fissure and had exposed nerve endings.

[Dax Shepard]

No, no, no, no.

[Madison]

They had only seen one injury like this before, and it was someone who actually fell off the back of. Of a jet ski and, like, had, like, the water pressure, like, blown into their butthole.

[Dax Shepard]

Basically interviewed someone that that happened to.

[Madison]

Yeah, yeah. So I was like, the number two situation for one this bad.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, and what did they do? Do they have to put stitches in there somehow?

[Abby]

Yes.

[Madison]

But a week later started what ended up being three surgeries to, like, have to go in and repair all this damage.

[Deidre]

Oh.

[Madison]

As a result, I had to be on a no food diet because they had to prevent me from, like, evacuating to help with the repair process. This. I literally was a zoo animal with, like, a sign on the door that said do not feed. Mine was on an ice chip only diet. It was awful.

[Lily Padman]

For how long?

[Madison]

I believe like, three weeks.

[Dax Shepard]

We're getting into Christmas now. Yeah.

[Deidre]

Oh, yeah.

[Madison]

We're past Christmas. We're starting second semester of high school where I don't return back for second semester. And that's kind of where this story goes.

[Lily Padman]

Who is this is so severe.

[Dax Shepard]

Did the doctor theorize on. Had the water ripped the inside of your ass or the fabric hadn't gotten up there or anything?

[Madison]

No, it was definitely water pressure damage. It really was not wedgie induced.

[Dax Shepard]

You never think that you could get that kind of pressure from a water slide. Wow. Okay.

[Madison]

I never returned back after Christmas break for second semester. And my sister, who is two years older than me at my same high school, returns back to school. And she was told by my parents that she was, like, sworn to secrecy, that she couldn't tell anybody what was going on to protect my privacy. So I don't remember exactly what she would tell people, but she was clearly my sister. And I don't know if it was that she told people. I don't know what's going on, or I can't tell what's going on. But, like, it was obviously sketchy, but it turned into like, she's in Boston getting help for something.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh.

[Lily Padman]

Like psychological.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, Jesus. Like, you were At a rest facility a bit.

[Madison]

So then I finally return Back to school three weeks later, I'm down £20 from this liquid only diet and have to now deal with this rumor that the reason I've been out of school is because I was at treatment for an eating disorder.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, yeah. Now it looks obvious. Yeah.

[Madison]

Wow.

[Lily Padman]

Are you like. I'd rather it be that.

[Madison]

That's exactly what I was gonna say. The sad part is like the fragility of this situation, that it was just easier to go along with that than for anybody to know where I really was for the past three weeks.

[Lily Padman]

Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

How's everything now? Rectally. We're good.

[Madison]

Great. We've done like childbirth, We've done other things. We've used it, you know, it's working.

[Lily Padman]

And you don't have PTSD when you're doing a number two.

[Madison]

I don't now, but I would say for a while it was hard to trust.

[Lily Padman]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Madison]

There was no stool softener that would make it soft enough. You know, in the beginning.

[Lily Padman]

Oh boy, that was a doozy.

[Madison]

Before we are done, I need to tell you that I am not a lifelong armchair. Okay. And a few months ago, my friend Lindsay, who's here with me right now to babysit my 2 year old while I could come into this fort for 10 minutes, she's here watching him. She a few months ago was like, I need you to listen to this podcast because I've been listening to it for the past five years in every single time I listen to it, I need you to go on there and tell the story of your asshole.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, great.

[Madison]

In the past four months, I've listened to 80 episodes. Like I've become strongly addicted.

[Deidre]

Okay.

[Madison]

And then a week ago you post this prompt. What is the chance we call that sim.

[Dax Shepard]

If you listen to the shows.

[Madison]

I know. I became a fan just in time. She could not be be more proud that this has come full circle.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh. Oh, I'm so delighted. Nice meeting you.

[Abby]

Nice meeting you.

[Deidre]

Bye guys.

[Dax Shepard]

Take care.

[Lily Padman]

Wow. I'm kind of shocked in this litigious country we live in that they exist.

[Ethan]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm almost happy. It feels like they couldn't even exist here. But yet they do.

[Lily Padman]

Yet they do.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Some of these huge places, they figure out how to navigate all the liabilities

[Lily Padman]

you sign away favor. I bet when you buy the ticket,

[Dax Shepard]

it's like if you're an tears don't come knocking, don't come running to me. That's your asshole's fault, not ours. Oh, blood.

[Lily Padman]

I hate when there's. Okay, I just really don't like when there's random blood.

[Josh]

Should we do a blood prompt?

[Lily Padman]

No, I'm good. Accidental blood stories.

[Dax Shepard]

Tell us about a time there was blood in your toilet. All right.

[Josh]

Love you. Do you want to sing a tune or something? We don't have a theme song.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of armchairies, we'll get some suggestions on the fly rhyme dish. On the fire rhyme dish. Enjoy.