Armchair Anonymous: Wedding II

Summary

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Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

Armchair Anonymous: Wedding II

Episode Date: October 17, 2025

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Overview

In this installment of "Armchair Anonymous," Dax Shepard and Lily Padman invite listeners to share their wildest, weirdest, and most calamitous wedding stories. Building on a previous episode where someone was arrested at their own wedding, Dax and Lily tap into the vast well of matrimonial mishaps. The episode features genuine, vulnerable, and hilarious accounts—from allergic anaphylaxis and wedding scams to blizzards, family drama, and, yes, a whole lot of first-time wedding night awkwardness (and bodily fluids). The stories illuminate both the chaos and resilience that often accompany major life events, delivering laughs, sympathy, and a few jaw-drops along the way.

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Key Discussion Points & Stories

1. Kelsey's Allergic Reaction Wedding Disaster

Time: 03:12–13:50

The Incident:

• Kelsey, from Rochester, NY, describes finally having her dream wedding planned in Charleston, SC.
• During the rehearsal dinner/welcome party, she suffers a massive anaphylactic reaction (likely to peanut oil in a salad).
• Her face swells up dramatically: "I look like Will Smith in that movie Hitch when he has an allergic reaction." (05:04, Kelsey)
• She’s rushed to the hospital, misses the entire pre-wedding party, and is observed until early morning.

Aftermath:

• Attempts to reduce swelling (frozen spoons, Pepcid, Benadryl) have little effect—the situation gets worse overnight.
• Kelsey receives an insensitive email from the venue asking for unpaid food fees on the morning of her wedding:
  "In all of the craziness that happened last night, I actually forgot to charge you for some of the food and you owe a full payment by end of day today." (10:15, Kelsey)
• Despite trauma and ruined photos, Kelsey pushes through: “At the end of the day, the most important thing, it's like, I married Trenton. I love him... All's well that ends well, but it was pretty traumatic.” (12:53, Kelsey)
• Dax and Lily are both sympathetic and find dark humor:
  “Despite you saying it's not funny, it was very funny on our end.” (13:34, Dax)

Notable Moments:

• Advice about EpiPens gets real: "If your body can do that at any moment, you 100% have to have it." (06:39, Lily Padman)
• Kelsey never quite buys the “someday you’ll laugh about this” line: "No, I won't. That is so rude.” (13:19, Kelsey)

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2. Clara’s Wedding Scam & Bride Crimefighting Saga

Time: 14:07–27:55

The Setup:

• Clara, originally from Colombia but now in Charlotte, NC, describes booking a “perfect” all-inclusive venue, even paying extra up front ($30,000) for “upgrades.”
• Venue owner repeatedly reassures her with slick, charming lies about construction delays and new facilities.

The Unraveling:

• Weeks before the wedding, Clara receives a "dramatic email" from the owner:
  "I have tears in my eyes writing this... the venue was foreclosed in October.” (17:46, Clara)
• Owner cancels all weddings, promises (but never delivers) a repayment plan.

The Response:

• Clara and other scammed couples form a group chat and grow a sizable support network (eventually 25+ people).
• A sting operation: Clara and her husband trick the owner into meeting for a Facebook Marketplace “sale” of venue chairs, confronting him in person.
• Police eventually use the same ploy to arrest him; a large-scale investigation reveals over $1 million stolen and FBI involvement:
  "We found out that the thing was even bigger than we thought... The FBI got involved." (25:10, Clara)

Outcome:

• Clara recovers money via credit card dispute (not everyone is so lucky), reschedules her wedding, and even appears on local news:
  "It feels like justice." (26:38, Clara's husband, via news clip)
• Dax and Lily are scandalized but fascinated:
  “Real life con artist.” (25:10, Dax)
  “Netflix caller!” (22:12, Lily Padman)

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3. The Snowstorm, Family Chaos, & Stolen Wishing Well

Time: 28:52–40:34

The Story:

• An unnamed Canadian bride (in a Blue Jays shirt) recounts her 1997 wedding, upended by a blizzard.
• Scrambles for new photo locations (ends up with pool hall-themed photos), veil gets stuck in church doorway, and groom is sobbing at the altar (not from joy):
  "I look over at my now ex-husband and sobbing. And I don't mean like sentimental sobbing, I mean, oh, sobbing." (31:19, Bride)
  • Minister whispers: "Should we continue?" (31:33, Bride)

The Reception:

• The bride’s mother, struggling with addiction, arrives intoxicated with her boyfriend (who is the ex-husband of a cousin also present), and his three delinquent, uninvited children.
• Those children are caught stealing from purses and coat pockets; later discovered to have stolen the entire wedding wishing well.
• The mother grabs the mic and loudly insults her daughter:
  “She marches up on stage, gets a hold of the mic, points at me and says, you are a—” (37:45, Bride)
• The maid of honor helps get the couple out; their getaway car is stopped at a police checkpoint.
• Their honeymoon begins with a car breakdown; the marriage ultimately lasts 20 years.

Notable Quote:

• "It was a great... Jesus. Makes for a great story.” (40:21, Bride)
• Dax: “It’s turning into an episode of Jerry Springer quickly.” (32:37)

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4. Jake & Kelsey’s Wildly Memorable Mormon Wedding Night

Time: 40:36–50:14

The Background:

• Jake, a practicing Mormon from North Carolina, shares the story of his wedding day, which was meticulously planned (with temple, brunch, etc.)
• He and his wife are both virgins, intending to wait for the wedding night.

The Consummation:

• Plans are derailed by temptation during a post-brunch downtime at their Airbnb.
• The first attempt at sex is awkward and physically challenging: "We probably spent two to three minutes just trying to find the right angle that doesn’t hurt." (44:12, Jake)
• When climax arrives, awkwardness peaks:
  "The amount that came out I have never seen before or since... The first blast hits the headboard, probably a foot above her head..." (45:17, Jake)
  • Followed by "second blast hits her directly in the face and eyes, nose, mouth, hair." (45:40, Jake)
• Wife is left gagging, vomits repeatedly on bed, hallway, and bathroom floor; spends rest of the day recovering and repairing hair and makeup.
• Later at the reception: a friend notices, “Hey, you have something in your hair,” (48:03, Jake)— it’s a remnant of the incident.

Reflection:

• The couple now see humor in the chaos:
  "As disgusting as the story is, it's so wholesome." (49:50, Dax)
• The couple also reflect on their journey: "We started at rock bottom. You can't go much lower." (49:21, Jake)
• Lily: "Don't you think, though, a lot of the people at the wedding, they've been in your position...?" (49:37)
• Dax and Lily call the couple “adorable” and marvel at how relatable and sweetly awkward the whole scene was.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the universal messiness of weddings:
  "There's theft, there's allergies, there's too much semen. I mean, there's a lot." (00:30, Dax Shepard)

• Kelsey’s photo reveal reaction:
  "You just didn’t look like you at all." (08:31, Lily Padman)
  "It aged you somehow... You do look a little older with all this fluid in your face." (08:41, Dax Shepard)

• Clara’s mission statement:
  "If I don't get my money back, I'm at least going to make it my mission to destroy this man's reputation so he can't do this again." (22:36, Clara)

• Pure chaos, pure humanity:
  "That story shouldn't have made me horny, but it kind of did." (50:29, Dax Shepard)

• On wedding hype vs. reality:
  "So much expectation, so hard, and so much money spent. That weirdly gets to me a lot when I think about it." (12:15, Kelsey)

• On communication and first times:
  "Lack of communication, yeah..." (49:11, Jake & Lily Padman)
  "The anxiety before the first time... It's really cute. They're so cute." (51:06, Lily Padman)

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Structure & Tone

The episode expertly balances empathy with humor, never shying away from the cringe or heartbreak, but always anchoring it with a sense of shared human foible. Dax’s improvisational asides, Lily’s grounded empathy, and the willingness of callers to share deeply personal (and often embarrassing) moments make this episode a stand-out for vulnerability and comedic catharsis.

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Kelsey's Allergy Story: 03:12–13:50
• Clara’s Wedding Scam: 14:07–27:55
• Canadian Bride’s Snowstorm: 28:52–40:34
• Jake & Kelsey’s Mormon Wedding Night: 40:36–50:14

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Closing Thoughts

This episode of Armchair Anonymous showcases how weddings—expected to be perfect—are often hilariously, heartbreakingly, and unforgettably imperfect. Through wild mishaps and misadventures, each guest (and Dax and Lily themselves) remind us: what we survive, we often cherish—and what we bungle, we may someday (sort of) laugh about.

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Transcript

[Dax Shepard]

Wondry plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free right now. Join Wondri in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard and I'm joined by Lily Padman.

[Lily Padman]

Hello.

[Dax Shepard]

Today is Wedding Disasters. That was incubated in another episode where someone was arrested at their wedding.

[Lily Padman]

That's right.

[Dax Shepard]

We thought this is probably ripe for some good stories.

[Lily Padman]

And it was.

[Dax Shepard]

And it was. It was ripe as fuck. Ripe af. There's theft, there's allergies, there's too much semen. I mean, there's a lot.

[Lily Padman]

Oh, I forgot.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, there's a lot happening on wedding nights. So please enjoy Wedding Disasters. We are supported by Function Health. You know what's fascinating? Your body is constantly sending signals about your health, but most of us only see a tiny fraction of that data. That's why I chose Function. So the only health platform that gives you access to over a hundred biomarkers from hormones to heart health markers, all tracked in one secure place.

[Lily Padman]

I love this because I agree that normal regs, blood work and stuff, it doesn't get it all. And sometimes you find hidden things in these hormone checks.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes, I love seeing my health data mapped out over time. Helps me understand exactly what's happening in my body. It's no wonder top health leaders like Dr. Mark Hyman and Andrew Huberman are behind Function Health. This platform truly empowers you to own your own health journey. Learn more and join using our link. The first 1000 people get a hundred dollar credit toward their membership. Visit www.functionhealth.com dax or use code DAX100@ Sign up to own your health. We are supported by BetterHelp. You know it's wild. October 10th is World Mental Health Day. And it got me thinking about all the incredible therapists out there making a real difference. But Better Help therapists alone have helped over 5 million people worldwide. That's a lot of lives changed, one conversation at a time.

[Lily Padman]

I love my therapist so much. I saw her twice last week after my personal tragedy. She was so helpful in helping me process everything.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, finding the right therapist can feel overwhelming. But Better Help makes it simple. They've spent 12 plus years perfecting their match system, connecting people with licensed professionals from their network of over 30,000 therapists. And with an average session rating of 4.9 out of 5 based on on over 1.7 million client reviews, they're clearly doing something right. This World Mental Health Day we're celebrating the therapists who have helped millions of people take a step forward. If you're ready to find the right therapist for you, Betterhelp can help you start that journey. Armchairs get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com Dax that's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com Dax hard times come and go good times take em sl.

[Kelsey]

My life.

[Dax Shepard]

I had them both.

[Jake]

You gotta know I'm gonna keep on shining.

[Dax Shepard]

Hello, Is this Kelsey?

[Jake]

It is.

[Kelsey]

How are you?

[Dax Shepard]

Good. Are your t shirts always that perfectly folded or did you straighten up before this?

[Kelsey]

I didn't straighten up before this. They're not always that perfect, but I keep it tidy.

[Dax Shepard]

Where are you?

[Kelsey]

I'm in upstate New York in Rochester.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, so you had a challenging wedding.

[Kelsey]

Yes, I did.

[Dax Shepard]

You did.

[Kelsey]

So we got married in Charleston, South Carolina, last October.

[Jake]

Okay.

[Lily Padman]

Isle of palms.

[Kelsey]

That's where my dad stayed. We got married right downtown in Hampton Park.

[Lily Padman]

It's so nice.

[Kelsey]

I was so excited. I had been planning to stay my entire life. I knew the vision that I wanted. I knew the color scheme. I was just so over the moon excited to plan this wedding.

[Dax Shepard]

Was it a destination wedding or were you living in Charleston?

[Kelsey]

Everyone was coming from out of town. Okay, okay, so we have to rehearsal dinner the night before. It's at this, like, big bar patio. And that was gonna roll right into a welcome party where everyone was invited. My fiance Trenton and I were like, really looking forward to that. It was gonna be kind of this more casual wedding. Before the wedding, we went like all out. We got a band and we had open bar and we got food for everyone. So at the rehearsal, we ate around seven. And then the welcome party party started at eight. So everybody starts coming in, and right at eight, I'm standing with my best friend Yavra, and I'm like, yavra, I feel a little funny. She's like, okay, well, it's like a little hot in here. It's like, overwhelming. There's so many people. Let's go out into the parking lot and get some fresh air. So I'm like, okay. We get out to the parking lot, and I'm like, yavra, do I look weird to you? And she's like, no, you look great. But immediately I had a pit in my stomach. I knew exactly what was happening. I sprint into the restaurant, into the bathroom, and look in the mirror, and I have this, like, dime size swelling in the corner of my right eye. And I'm just looking at it Grow and grow and grow until my whole face within like seconds is swollen shut. Oh, shellfish, peanuts. I have like a severe peanut allergy. This restaurant swears up and down that they don't have any peanuts in house, they don't carry any peanut products. But this is the only thing I'm allergic to. And it always happens like an hour after I ingest it.

[Dax Shepard]

What had you eaten an hour before?

[Kelsey]

It was like German beer garden foods. It was like kielbasa. I think the thing that did be in was there was a salad. It was a peach and goat cheese salad or something, but it had like crunchy chickpeas on top that were fried. My gut tells me that's what it was.

[Lily Padman]

Maybe even fried in peanut oil.

[Kelsey]

Yeah. So I'm in full anaphylactic shock now. Oh my God, my throat is closing. I can't breathe out of my nose, I can't swallow. And my face, the only way I can describe it is I look like Will Smith in that movie Hitch when he has an allergic reaction. And that's exactly what I look like. Oh no, I look insane. So I run outside to my mom and my fiance and my brother and sister come over. I'm like hiding between two cars. I'm mortified. In that moment, I cried harder than I've ever cried in my entire life. Having a full blown panic attack and anaphylactic shock at the same time.

[Dax Shepard]

Now, I don't want to victim shame you, but I gotta ask a question. I hate when people always ask me this because I was allergic to bee stings, but did you have an EpiPen?

[Kelsey]

I didn't.

[Clara]

Oh, no.

[Dax Shepard]

I know, I know. I can relate, but I can relate.

[Lily Padman]

No, if your body can do that at any moment, you 100% have to have it.

[Kelsey]

I know. The only thing I will say is I always do. It was just my rehearsal dinner. I had nothing really with me. Not my normal purse. So trend. And I have to like rush off to the hospital. They give me epinephrine. And then whenever they do that, they want to like observe you for eight hours, make sure you don't have any adverse reactions. So that would bring me to 5am the morning of my wedding, laying in the hospital.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, Jesus.

[Kelsey]

I kind of like accept defeat for a while. We're laying there, I'm in like my big white dress from the rehearsal dinner. Everyone's at the party, having a great time. And finally at like 12:45, I'm like, what am I doing here? I ring the nurse's bell And I'm like, am I being detained? I'm gonna go now. Okay.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm with you.

[Kelsey]

I'm gonna walk out the front door. So we get home at, like, 1:30. So it's not too, too bad, but it's not, like, ideal. Missed the whole party. And so the morning of my wedding, I wake up. First thing I do is open the camera on my phone. I look at myself, and the swelling has just gotten so much worse.

[Jake]

Why?

[Kelsey]

As I slept. Cause you're, like, laying down. I looked like an absolute monster out of a movie.

[Dax Shepard]

It was so div.

[Kelsey]

So I'm genuinely at this point, considering calling off the wedding. I can't do this. I look insane. The photography, the videography. Walking down the aisle and leading up to the wedding, I had been working out more than ever before. I'd been eating so healthy, getting facials. I wanted to look the most beautiful I've ever looked. This is the ugliest I could ever.

[Lily Padman]

Oh, my God. This is like some sort of parable.

[Dax Shepard]

It is.

[Lily Padman]

It is.

[Dax Shepard]

Tell me when I'm allowed to look at this photo that Rob supplied.

[Kelsey]

Yeah, look at it. That's from the hospital the night before.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, sure.

[Lily Padman]

We're looking at you and then that. You just didn't look like you at all.

[Dax Shepard]

No resemblance.

[Kelsey]

It doesn't look like me at all.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, it got worse. We were actually on a good photo. Now we're also.

[Lily Padman]

Weirdly, it kind of made you 60. It aged you somehow.

[Dax Shepard]

You do look a little older with all this fluid in your face. Oh, Kelsey, I'm so sorry.

[Lily Padman]

Oh, no.

[Dax Shepard]

On your big day, Sa. You seem to have a good attitude in these photos.

[Kelsey]

It's kind of like when you're in a little bit of shock. You're just like, I guess this is kind of funny. But now looking back, it's, like, not funny at all.

[Lily Padman]

Maybe you weren't smiling. Maybe that's just the permanent.

[Kelsey]

Yeah, I'm stuck like that.

[Dax Shepard]

What can one take to reduce swelling in Benadryl?

[Kelsey]

Maybe I took everything under the sun. One of my friends is a PA and she gave me, like, Pepcid. She said that helps with inflammation.

[Dax Shepard]

Pepcid ac?

[Kelsey]

Yeah, I think so.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, that rings a bell.

[Lily Padman]

Yeah, it's effervescent.

[Kelsey]

I remember it the day of my wedding. I'm like, I guess I just have to, like, start getting ready and, like, move on with the day. So I'm, like, trying to have a good attitude about it. I do end up having a good morning with my bridesmaids. I'm kind of forgetting about it. Even though I had so much to do the morning of my wedding and I was just stuck there with like two frozen spoons on my face, trying to make the swelling go down. At one point I'm like, I'm going to go look over my vows on my phone and sit by the water for a second. So I go outside, I open my phone, and I have an email from the catering manager from the night before. So I'm like, oh, she's checking on my well being. Of course, at this point, she doesn't even know if I'm freaking dead or alive. So I read the email and it's like, kelsey, in all of the craziness that happened last night, I actually forgot to charge you for some of the food and you owe a full payment by end of day today. I was like, what planet are you living on? I was just rushed to the hospital from your restaurant.

[Dax Shepard]

You almost killed me.

[Kelsey]

It's my wedding day today, and you send this demanding, urgent email. It was so crazy. I was so filled with rage. They, like, ruined my looks and now completely ruining my mood.

[Dax Shepard]

Did you respond?

[Kelsey]

Oh, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, good. Yeah, yeah. What?

[Kelsey]

Kind of sharply toned, unhinged, all caps.

[Lily Padman]

Yes.

[Kelsey]

I was like, how dare you never contact me again. I was in a crazy back and forth fight with them my whole honeymoon.

[Lily Padman]

I mean, you could have sued them.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, for reimbursement of the whole wedding.

[Kelsey]

At least the photography. I can't even look at those photos. They look awful.

[Lily Padman]

No, you still look great.

[Dax Shepard]

You look cute. Yeah, you actually look cute.

[Kelsey]

Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

So when you were at the vows part and you were crying, were you crying about the state of affairs or joyful crying?

[Kelsey]

Probably a little of both. I walked down the aisle kind of pissed. I was like, this is not how I wanted this to go. And I was kind of in a little bit of a bad mood at the end of the altar. But then my brother did this reading and couldn't read. It was like he had never read before in his life. I got like the church giggles from it, and it kind of was this weird release. And then everything kind of got better after that.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, good. Little brother.

[Kelsey]

Big birthday brother.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, big brother. Okay, Because I was gonna say, those little brothers, they're good for that.

[Lily Padman]

That could go either way, though. You could be like, and now you can't even read.

[Dax Shepard]

Forgot how to read now.

[Lily Padman]

This reading's gone downhill.

[Dax Shepard]

Now. At any point were you like, oh, no, these are signs from the universe.

[Kelsey]

No, I've actually never even thought that.

[Lily Padman]

Oh, man. There's so much pressure on that day.

[Kelsey]

So much expectation, so hard, and so much money spent. That weirdly gets to me a lot when I think about it.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. This is why I'm a big proponent of the courthouse. Everybody. You go down there, you walk in, you walk out, then take a nice old trip.

[Lily Padman]

There's something very special about everyone in both of your worlds being in one spot. I love one.

[Dax Shepard]

I still think you can do it for about 150 bucks. Order some dominoes, get everyone in the backyard.

[Kelsey]

Yeah, we spent more than that, but it was so fun. It did end up being such a beautiful day. The weather was great. The DJ was incredible. Luckily, there wasn't really many times I looked in the mirror, so I kept forgetting about it during the day.

[Dax Shepard]

That's the move.

[Kelsey]

At the end of the day, the most important thing. It's like, I married Trenton. I love him. I'm like, so lucky to be married to him. He's the best husband in the world. I guess all's well that ends well, but it was pretty traumatic.

[Dax Shepard]

And you, for life, have a phenomenal story.

[Lily Padman]

That's right.

[Dax Shepard]

No one would want to hear about your wedding at a dinner party.

[Kelsey]

Otherwise, I would be fine with that. We wouldn't have to talk about it.

[Lily Padman]

You're like, I have plenty of other stories. I didn't need this one.

[Kelsey]

Totally. A lot of people are like, you'll laugh about this someday. I'm like, no, I won't. That is so rude. Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

I was trying to glass half full it, but I guess we're gonna stick with it being half full. That's right.

[Lily Padman]

You can feel all your feelings.

[Jake]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

You're entitled.

[Kelsey]

Thank you.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, well, Kelsey, that was a really funny. Despite you saying it's not funny, it was very funny on our end.

[Lily Padman]

We're glad we got to hear it.

[Kelsey]

Yeah, I'm glad it brought me to you guys. So it's okay.

[Lily Padman]

Well, have a great rest of your day.

[Dax Shepard]

Thanks for chatting.

[Kelsey]

Thank you so much for letting me tell us. This was so great.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, take care.

[Clara]

Bye.

[Kelsey]

Okay, you too.

[Jake]

Bye.

[Kelsey]

Bye.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, poor Kelsey. That's rough.

[Lily Padman]

That's tough. These are going to be tougher than we anticipated.

[Jake]

Yeah, there might be some happy stories.

[Lily Padman]

I think we asked for bad stories.

[Dax Shepard]

Hi, Clara.

[Clara]

How are you doing?

[Dax Shepard]

Wonderful. I'm trying to take in all your many shoes behind you. It's a very athletic household.

[Clara]

It's my husband's closet.

[Dax Shepard]

Is he a runner?

[Clara]

Not really. He just has a Ton of sneakers. Okay.

[Dax Shepard]

He just likes comfortable footwear. Where are you at, Clara?

[Clara]

I'm in Charlotte, North Carolina.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay. We're staying in the region. We just had a wedding story from Charleston.

[Clara]

Oh, nice.

[Dax Shepard]

So you're in Charlotte and are you from there?

[Clara]

I'm originally from Columbia, South America, and moved to North Carolina when I was like 7 years old.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow. Wonderful. I love North Carolina. Do you ever get over to the Blue Ridge Parkway and the Blue Ridge Mountains?

[Clara]

I have. I'm going to Asheville this weekend actually.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, you are?

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

Just.

[Clara]

Cause I'm actually going with a friend to help her do some wedding planning.

[Lily Padman]

Ding, ding, ding, dingles.

[Dax Shepard]

So tell us you have a challenging wedding story.

[Lily Padman]

Yeah.

[Clara]

So me and my husband got engaged in September of 2023. I really wanted a long engagement so I wouldn't stress and worry about wedding planning last minute. So we ended up finding a venue. It was called Champaign Manor. In December of that year, it checked all the boxes. It seemed perfect. It was beautiful. And the owner was offering this 2025 wedding package deal that was one set price and you got everything with it, all the vendors, two night stay.

[Dax Shepard]

I love it. Turnkey.

[Clara]

Exactly. The only thing I didn't really like was that there was a tent for the reception area and I wanted something indoors. He actually said that there was a structure coming that was like this glass ballroom. Showed us pictures and it was going to be ready by like early 2024. He also said there was construction starting on these cottages so more people could stay on the property. So we booked it for May 17, 2025. We paid the deposit, which was 10,000 dol thousand dollars, and didn't have to start paying all the payments until later on. But he convinced us to put more money down because then he'd take off more of the total. And then he offered some upgrades and we ended up putting down $30,000.

[Dax Shepard]

My heart rate's already up.

[Clara]

And then we still had more to pay but weren't going to pay until the end of the year. He just kept having all these little promotions where he was offering all this crazy stuff and just wanted a bunch of money up front.

[Lily Padman]

Oh boy.

[Clara]

It started getting a little weird, like he was offering fireworks. He even said you could get a bouncy house.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh my gosh, that's classy.

[Clara]

He just started getting really bad at communicating with me. He was taking forever to respond. I was like, okay, so what's up with the construction? Where's the ballroom? What's going on? Connecting with the vendors. And he did connect me and everything eventually, but he just took forever to do it. And I started planning the whole wedding, but I was still just getting worried about the whole thing because he was being so sketchy. So I was like, let's have a meeting about it in person. My mom wants to see the venue. So we went, me and my husband, with my mom. And this was end of the year 2024. It was in December still. The ballroom wasn't ready, but he was like, I promise it'll be ready for your wedding, and it's going to be great. And when I tell you this guy's just a really good salesman, he's just very charming and convincing.

[Dax Shepard]

My curiosity for someone like this is, do they believe it or are they just a straight fucking liar? And how can you do that?

[Clara]

I know.

[Dax Shepard]

I just don't have it in me.

[Clara]

It felt like one of those, he's such a liar that he makes himself believe it.

[Lily Padman]

Yes, I guess to get through it, you kind of have to.

[Clara]

We actually left pretty reassured, feeling better about it that day. And then two weeks, weeks later, we get this very long, dramatic email that he wrote. He was like, I have tears in my eyes. Writing this email told us all about his financial problems, his family problems, his mental health, and basically that the venue was foreclosed on in October.

[Lily Padman]

Oh, my God, own it anymore.

[Clara]

He was renting it back, trying to get it back, and then he just couldn't do it. So all weddings were canceled and he was working on a repayment plan for everyone.

[Dax Shepard]

This is what, three months before your wedding?

[Clara]

It was January 2nd. The wedding was May 17th.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, Fox, it's your birthday. Bad luck birthday.

[Lily Padman]

Oh, man.

[Dax Shepard]

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[Clara]

So I just have to replan a whole wedding, I guess. First thing we just started calling a bunch of venues. We toured five or six, six venues within like 48 hours. I called the vendors and actually told them because they weren't even informed and just started planning a whole new wedding. The second part of it was where's my money? I blew up his email, wasn't answering. Tried calling both the numbers we had for him went straight to voicemail. So this guy fully Ghosted us. I ended up finding another bride that was going through the same thing. So we connected. She knew a couple more. We started a group chat. We started telling each other everything that happened, how much money we paid, all the lies told us. We just started finding out more and more and more. And this group chat just kind of started growing too. We started adding more people to it. I ended up doing a news interview with my husband on the local Charlotte news.

[Lily Padman]

Oh, you did say this could be a doc.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Lily Padman]

I could see this as a doc. Netflix caller.

[Clara]

So after that, people started reaching out to me on social media, and then we started adding them to the group chat.

[Dax Shepard]

How many people are we looking at at this point?

[Clara]

It was about 25 people in the group chat, and then there was a Facebook group with, like, at least double that.

[Lily Padman]

Oh, my God. And how money do we think I stole?

[Dax Shepard]

A million dollars, I'm sure.

[Clara]

Yes, he did. It was over a million. At this point, I'm getting mad. I feel like the Latina in me fully came out. And I was like, if I don't get my money back, I'm at least going to make it my mission to destroy this man's reputation so he can't do this again. Oh, that's what I did. We actually figured out that he was selling stuff from the venue on Facebook Marketplace. So I decided to get one of my friends to message him and pretend to be interested in buying 75 chairs. I got her to unfriend me to make sure there were no ties back to and just set up a time and place to meet him and pick up the chairs. So me and my husband showed up instead. The look on his face was absolutely priceless.

[Lily Padman]

Oh, wow. Is that what the picture is?

[Clara]

No, it's something else.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Okay, great.

[Clara]

At this point, I knew he had no money, and I wasn't expecting him to just give us money at that point. But I mainly wanted to confront him and yell at him and be like, what's wrong with you? So that's what we did. We yelled at him for, like, 25 minutes.

[Dax Shepard]

What was his demeanor?

[Clara]

He was just like, I'm so sorry, and did a lot of blaming it on his family issues and stuff was going on at home. And he was like, I feel so bad. This is also horrible for me. And very victim like that.

[Dax Shepard]

Classic narcissist. Yeah, they're always a victim. Oh, I would be fearful for myself in that situation. Did it almost get physical?

[Clara]

No, we were definitely yelling at him, but he was very calm. And nice and apologetic. I had a couple people tell me, like, this is a bad idea. You shouldn't go. And I'm like, I have a gut feeling that this guy is just a coward and it's going to be fine. I was right.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Clara]

My husband definitely was, like, very pissed and was yelling at him.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, you steal 30 grand from me, we got beef.

[Clara]

Yeah. So he told us to do credit card disputes and that that would be our best bet. At the end of the meeting with him, I did tell him, in case you didn't notice, no one's buying your chairs, so have fun putting those up. So that was satisfying. After that, somebody reported everything to the police. The sheriff wanted more police reports. Everyone started calling in. We recorded the whole meeting with him. So we gave him all the recordings, told him everything he did. So the police now had enough to arrest him. They used my strategy. So they pretended to be interested in buying something from him and then drove over there. Bunch of cop cars and arrested him.

[Jake]

Wow.

[Clara]

We realized he had actually moved to Pennsylvania and was only in North Carolina to sell stuff. But he had moved and started an Airbnb business. So it seemed like he was onto his next scam. But he had a bond hearing. They set his bond for a million dollars. Ten of us showed up to the hearing. The D. A made a statement, got us all to stand up. We found out that the thing was even bigger than we thought. There was a couple that actually invested $100,000 into a CA that never existed.

[Dax Shepard]

Real life con artist.

[Clara]

It got so bad that the FBI got involved. We got a call from an FBI and gave her all our information. So there's still an ongoing investigation about that. His next hearing is end of October because he is still in jail since then.

[Jake]

Wow.

[Clara]

Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

And did he have any assets that could be seized to help pay back? No.

[Clara]

I work at a law firm, so I talked to some lawyers and I was able to pull up his, like, report. He had no assets. Assets. He had lost everything. He had a business that went under before and a lot of sketchy stuff came up.

[Dax Shepard]

I wonder what he's doing with all the money. Just trying to make this business work or is he buying ski boats?

[Clara]

I have no idea. That's what we were wondering too, because that's a lot of money that he took. And he kept saying that he was putting it all into the venue. We were able to get our money back through credit card disputes. Not everybody was so lucky. And some people did credit card disputes, and their banks denied them somewhat credit.

[Dax Shepard]

Cards offered, like, fraud protection. Is that how you were able to. To get reimbursed?

[Clara]

Yeah, and it just depends on the bank, because there was one girl that said that she got part of her money back, but one of the cards that they used, the bank was like, no, we're denying it.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, that's a blessing that you got the money back.

[Lily Padman]

It kind of worked out.

[Clara]

It worked out. The venue we found was called Pearl Mansion. It was in Charlotte. We actually did have to move the wedding date. It was two weeks push back. So that was fun redesigning all the invites and telling everyone.

[Dax Shepard]

But you have this great story now that you're a crime investigator.

[Clara]

Yeah. We did also do a second interview after the arrest, and the guy was like, so how do you feel now after he got arrested? And there's a really great clip of my husband going, it feels like justice. We worked it out in the end, but the whole thing was just so crazy.

[Dax Shepard]

That is wild. So am I allowed to look at the photo now?

[Clara]

Yeah, it's his bug shot.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, great. Okay. 42 years old, white male. I mean, it's interesting. If you heard this story and it was about a guy who saved Christmas, would I look at his face and go like, yeah, that guy looks like he'd saved Christmas. But because I know this about him, I'm like, this guy looks like a total fucking.

[Lily Padman]

He could go multiple ways. Yeah, yeah, definitely.

[Dax Shepard]

He's not happy in this shot. He's got a frown.

[Lily Padman]

Yeah, it's not his best day.

[Clara]

Very charming and convincing about everything. I mean, a lot of people fell for it.

[Dax Shepard]

These narcissists, they say, are really empathetic. That's like one of their superpowers.

[Lily Padman]

Like psychopaths.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, maybe it's psychopaths.

[Lily Padman]

I think it's psychopath.

[Dax Shepard]

Sociopaths. Psycho. Socio. And narcissist, maybe.

[Lily Padman]

Socio.

[Dax Shepard]

But now you're happily married.

[Clara]

Yes. It all worked out. Didn't go exactly the way we planned, but the wedding was great.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, Clara, that's an incredible story. Thank you so much for telling us.

[Clara]

Can I give a quick shout out to my friend Rosa? She was the one that got me started listening to your podcast in the first place, and she convinced me to submit my story.

[Dax Shepard]

Of course. Shout out.

[Clara]

Rosa, so nice talking to you.

[Jake]

Yeah, nice meeting you.

[Lily Padman]

Have a good rest of your day.

[Clara]

You too.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, bye. Bye.

[Lily Padman]

I said good. This guy, he looks like a bozo.

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

Yeah, he does.

[Lily Padman]

Looks like an absolute bozo. His life could have gone in so many directions with that face. Yeah, it has some promise.

[Dax Shepard]

I mean, he's not unattractive.

[Kelsey]

Right.

[Dax Shepard]

But he looks like a dope.

[Lily Padman]

Yeah, he does.

[Dax Shepard]

Maybe it's the orange outfit. It's hard to know if I put my thumbs over the orange. Well, that does improve things.

[Lily Padman]

Yeah, like, his hair is kind of nice. I mean, especially in a mug shot. I think you look the worst you've ever looked.

[Jake]

True.

[Dax Shepard]

He looks like a lot of guys from my town.

[Lily Padman]

Yeah, I think that's maybe what I see, too. It's like, I know that guy. He went to my high school.

[Dax Shepard]

These guys are dime a dozen.

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

Hi. Hi.

[Dax Shepard]

What is that, a cardinal shirt? What is that? Blue Jays.

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

Blue Jays.

[Dax Shepard]

Are you up in Canada?

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

Yes, I am.

[Dax Shepard]

Were you born and raised?

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

Yes. And I'm not gonna say a boot.

[Dax Shepard]

I bet you might. You might get flowing and it'll come.

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

Maybe.

[Jake]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

You know, I was just a few hours south of you in Detroit.

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

Marysville, Michigan, was where my grandparents lived, so we spent a lot of time there and a lot of time at Cedar Point.

[Lily Padman]

Oh, of course I like Cedar Point anymore.

[Dax Shepard]

Not even.

[Lily Padman]

True. I loved on to Dollywood.

[Dax Shepard]

That doesn't mean I don't love Cedar Point. It means I've added loving Dollywood.

[Lily Padman]

You said you think Dollywood is the best.

[Dax Shepard]

Might be the best amusement park in the country. Yeah. Have you been to Dollywood?

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

I have.

[Dax Shepard]

Not worth the trip. It's in the Smoky Mountains. Very beautiful. Beautiful. So you have a crazy wedding story for us.

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

Yes, I do. So it was in 1997, so quite a long time ago. Our wedding date was November 15th. It's chilly, but fall leaves. It was going to be beautiful. We booked this beautiful park day before, massive snowstorm. Everything screeches to a halt. Now it's Friday. We have to rush around and try and get all the rentals because nobody's delivering anything. So that works out okay. We manage. I was working as a chef at the time, so I was able to. To gather the things that we needed with the help of a lot of people. So the day of. Things start to go sideways pretty early in the day. We get up in the morning, it's still snowing. So now we have nowhere to take our pictures. We reach out to different people. We end up booking a pool hall to get our pictures taken. Do we play pool? No. But all of my wedding pictures are pool hall themed. So we get to the church and I'm so ambitious. I'm so confident. I have this long train. I'm gonna make this dramatic entrance as we're walking in my veil gets caught in the doorway of the church and so yanks my head back. My dad thinks I'm balking now I don't wanna go through with it. So he's dragging me down the aisle. Get to the front of the church. We're missing quite a few people because of the snowstorm. I look over at my now ex husband and sobbing. And I don't mean like sentimental sobbing, I mean like, oh, sobbing. Oh no, what am I doing?

[Lily Padman]

Oh, panic sobbing, Regret sobbing.

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

It's awkward. Oh, I'm still smiling.

[Clara]

I'm like, it's gonna be fine.

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

The minister leans forward and says, should we continue?

[Lily Padman]

It's that noticeable.

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

So my ex husband says, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. Okay.

[Lily Padman]

I guess we're here too.

[Kelsey]

Sure.

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

So we continue. He apologizes after everybody's talking about the crying.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh my God, I'm so sorry.

[Lily Padman]

Did you say like, are you okay? What's happening? Yeah. And what did he say?

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

He couldn't talk. He was sobbing so hard.

[Lily Padman]

Oh my God.

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

Try not to take it personally, but you know.

[Kelsey]

Yeah.

[Lily Padman]

Worst day of his life.

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

Then we get to the hall. Things are going a little better now. He seems a bit more relaxed. And people are coming in now. My mom, who's now passed away, was a bit of an addict. She shows up to the wedding now. She was separated from my stepfather, so it's my biological father, my stepfather, they're both amazing. But she shows up with her boyfriend.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, nice.

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

Oh, boy. Plot twist. Her boyfriend is the ex husband of her cousin. Cousin who's also at the wedding.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wonderful. It's turning into an episode of Jerry Springer quickly.

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

It gets even more Jerry Springerish. As we go. We notice he also brings his three delinquent children with him. 19, 20 year olds. I've never met them.

[Lily Padman]

They weren't invited.

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

Here they are, we're sitting at the head table. We're trying to keep an eye on that shit show over there. Over here, there's a tablecloth catches on fire. Oh, so spontaneous combustion.

[Dax Shepard]

There's a poltergeist at the wedding.

[Kelsey]

Must be.

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

We get that under control. The night's going on. My native honor is just like, I don't know what to do. It was crazy. Then what happens is there was a group of baseball players. So my ex husband was a baseball player. And so some of his buddies came up and told us that they found these kids, the boyfriend's children, in the coat room going through coat pockets and purses.

[Dax Shepard]

Great, great, great, great.

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

These guys bounce them out of the hall. They've gotten away with what we think is a few checkbooks, some loose change. We're not too upset about it. We can deal with that later.

[Dax Shepard]

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[Lily Padman]

I love the sweaters. It's sweater weather. It's exciting and you just couldn't be.

[Dax Shepard]

More delighted when you get something from Quint. They're so good.

[Lily Padman]

The quality is really so good.

[Dax Shepard]

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[Lily Padman]

I just had cachava this morning.

[Dax Shepard]

How was your cachava Chocolate?

[Lily Padman]

I like the chocolate.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, chocolate can't be beat.

[Lily Padman]

It's so good. It has so much protein, which, you know, I'm trying to get more of for my bone density and your muscle gains and my gains. It's such a great way to get all these nutrients and protein.

[Dax Shepard]

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It's really nice and it is quick and easy.

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Fuel your daily adventure with Kachava. Go to kachava.com and use code DAX for 15% off your next order. That's kachava K A C H a v a.com code DAX for 15% off.

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

So because we kicked them out, my mom, who's now hammered, she's mad and her boyfriend's mad and they are freaking out. She marches up. So the way the hall was. Picture a school gymnasium with the stage at the end, which was where the DJ was, she marches up on stage, gets a hold of the mic, points at me and says, you are a.

[Lily Padman]

Oh, my God, my lord. To her own daughter.

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

So now's the point where I'm like, I'm gonna dip. I'm done. I don't think this is a great idea for me to be here. And in the meeting now my stepdad is rushing the stage. So Jerry Springer.

[Jake]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

He's gonna get her out of there. I would have said the baseball players to 86 her. We got another customer. Booter. Exactly.

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

This isn't going the way I planned, obviously, between the crying and the stealing. And my maid of honor, her and her husband. Husband offered to drive us to the hotel. So the hotel, for context, is like the most popular hotel at the time. All the brides and grooms go there to have their lovely wedding night. We go out to get into the car and there's a. I don't know if you guys have it there, but we have these things called a ride program. And so basically it's a drinking and driving checkpoint.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay. Okay.

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

So they've set up. There's Police officers and cars. And they're pulling everybody over outside of the Ukrainian hall in Hamilton on a Saturday night. They're cleaning up.

[Lily Padman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Guess what? Everyone's had something to drink.

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

So we get by it. We get to the Connaught, and we're in the elevator with these two other lovely couples, brides in their beautiful gowns. And everybody's happy. And I'm sobbing. My ex husband's, like, awkwardly just looking around like, oh, God, this day he's already living with regrets. Man, that night wasn't any fun. The next day we come to find we had, like a wishing well at the wedding. So people put their envelopes with money in the wishing well. The rotten children had stolen the wishing well.

[Lily Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow. They're really rotten children. I mean, they're stealing at a wedding.

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

We tried to get a hold of them Our honeymoon. We had planned to drive to Horseshoe Valley. Car broke down on the way. Oh, it was one thing after the other.

[Dax Shepard]

How long did this marriage last?

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

Off and off, 20 years.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, that's unexpected answer.

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

Already had a couple children. Like I had a child, he had a child, and then we had three children together. So no regrets there.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, you got three beautiful kids out of it. What happened to the rotten children? Are they all incarcerated?

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

Yeah, actually, a couple of them ended up going to jail. She didn't end up marrying that boyfriend and his rotten children.

[Jake]

Whoa.

[Lily Padman]

So they were your stepbrothers? For a minute, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Isn't it so nice when your parents prioritize their new boyfriend's children who they don't even know? Isn't that so flattering?

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

It was a great Jesus. Makes for a great story.

[Lily Padman]

Thanks for chatting with me, too.

[Dax Shepard]

Amazing. I'm sorry you had that wedding, but I'm delighted to meet you for it. All right, take care.

[Lily Padman]

Thanks.

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

Bye.

[Kelsey]

Bye.

[Clara]

Hello?

[Dax Shepard]

Hi, is this Jake? Jake, where are you?

[Jake]

I am in North Carolina.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God. This is crazy.

[Lily Padman]

Okay, we had a South Carolina, a North Carolina and Canada. Canada will throw that one out as an outlier. And then another other North Carolina.

[Dax Shepard]

Y' all are getting married down there?

[Jake]

Well, this did not happen in North Carolina.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, it didn't? Okay, we rescind that then. All right. Yeah, tell us about it. Wait, are you wearing a Red Bull shirt?

[Jake]

I am, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, Max Verstappen's.

[Jake]

God, that's right. I was an avid listener of F1 with DRS.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, I appreciate it.

[Jake]

This is actually about my wedding and my wife's, so a little bit of background. We both Grew up and still are Mormon or lds. Grew up going to nine hours of church a week or so.

[Dax Shepard]

You did a mission?

[Jake]

I did not. So I guess not the whole nine yards.

[Lily Padman]

Eight yards.

[Dax Shepard]

Eight yards, yeah.

[Jake]

But we met when we were in school, dated for a couple years, decided we wanted to get married. We were both really excited and we scheduled our wedding for the end of the summer so that we could live together when the semester started and then we could do a little honeymoon. And we structured our wedding day so that it was the temple in the morning at like 9am so that we could get the most amount of pictures outside because it was was hot. And then we had a brunch with friends and family and then we had like a three or four hour block and then our reception later in the day before the wedding. We had rented an Airbnb for the day of so that we could kind of hang out during that three or four hour block. And then after the fact, we could sleep there. And then honeymoon was next day. So the day of the wedding, I roll out of bed probably 8:15, 8:30, and I can get there on time. Wife's away, wake at 5am doing her hair and makeup with her friends and she's having a good time, no problems.

[Dax Shepard]

You Latter Day Saints are an industrious bunch. Like waking up at 5am to get the hair and makeup done, that's weddings. Is that standard?

[Jake]

I think that's weddings. Okay.

[Dax Shepard]

That's too early.

[Jake]

I mean, it was at 9:00am yeah, it's at 9.

[Dax Shepard]

It's only four hours early. Okay.

[Lily Padman]

And all the bridesmaids have to get their makeup and hair. It's a whole thing.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Jake]

Start of everything, goes to pretty well. Temple goes well, pictures goes well, no issues there. Brunch is fine. And after brunch, like I said, we have our three or four hour little block. So we decide we're going to go hang out at the Airbnb for a little bit.

[Dax Shepard]

And you were virgins?

[Jake]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh my God. So I know exactly what I'm doing the second I leave temple.

[Jake]

We kind of talked about it the day before. We said, oh, should we bang right here in this couple hour block?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Jake]

And she was like, we've waited so long, let's just wait till later. And I'm like, no, no problem. But we get to the Airbnb, we're hanging out, we both change into like some sweats. And as we're changing, we kind of like open the suitcase and we both kind of make eye contact and then we see the condoms in the suitcase. He says, should we just do it? And I said, yes, of course, yes.

[Dax Shepard]

We should have done it a long time ago.

[Jake]

I said, anything to get in her pants. Of course things start progressing. And she says, yeah, we can do it. Just make sure my hair, make makeup, make sure nothing gets messed up. And I said, yeah, of course. 100%, definitely.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. I'm so good at this.

[Lily Padman]

I definitely know how to do this without doing that.

[Jake]

Exactly what I'm doing.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm not going to come in five seconds, but anyways, let's go.

[Jake]

That's right. Things start happening. First base, second base, third base. I don't even hardly last to second or third base. So we're there.

[Dax Shepard]

Sure, sure.

[Jake]

And then it's time for the main event. I'm like, okay, great. Put a condom on. Takes me a second. I've never done this before. Put some lube on. Put some lube on her. We're like, okay, you ready? She's ready. We probably spent two to three minutes just trying to find the right angle that doesn't hurt.

[Lily Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Of approach, as we say in off roading.

[Jake]

Bless her heart, I'm sure it still hurt. And looking back on it, it definitely did not feel how it feels today.

[Lily Padman]

Well, these are the first time experiences. This is what happens.

[Jake]

Neither of us knew any difference, so we were having a great time.

[Dax Shepard]

You ended up in her butt. Is that what we're saying?

[Jake]

No.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, I misinterpreted that.

[Lily Padman]

It hurts the first time.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, okay. I just, I heard a lot of lube and I didn't know the angle. I got a little confused. I'm so sorry.

[Jake]

We're in the right hole.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, great.

[Jake]

Things start moving, and 20 to 25 seconds later, I'm approaching the finish line.

[Lily Padman]

By the way, real quick. She's also glad it's that fast the first time. It hurts. You just, like, want it to be done.

[Jake]

Couple thoughts run through my head. I. I think, okay, I shouldn't finish inside. She's not on birth control, so I don't know if the condom's gonna break. So I think, okay, that's out. So I think, okay, I'll pull out and I'll finish on her stomach.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Wonderful. It's romantic.

[Jake]

Yeah. The thought of pulling out and finishing in the condom didn't even cross my brain.

[Dax Shepard]

Right, right.

[Jake]

I pull out, I whip off the condom, and again, there's no communication with her at all. I blast off. When I say blast off, the amount that came out I have never seen before or Since.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, this is 23 years in the making.

[Jake]

It was absurd, but the first blast hits the headboard, probably a foot above her head.

[Lily Padman]

This is a real Spider man situation.

[Jake]

Okay, let's point it down a little bit. Second blast hits her directly in the face and eyes, nose, mouth, hair. Third blast hits her in the neck. In the hair. Fourth class somehow was stronger. Hits her again in the face.

[Dax Shepard]

Wrong.

[Jake]

And then all the subsequent blasts hit her in, like, the stomach.

[Lily Padman]

Why are there so many blasts?

[Jake]

It's 23 years.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, you're right.

[Jake]

And then in this 10 second span, a lot of things happen. I get like super dizzy. Oh, and I lose hearing in my left ear. Just the left. And my wife, like I said, hit her in the face, mouth, nose. Some of it got in her mouth and she can't really breathe. So she immediately starts gagging and retching and I'm still out of it. She immediately starts throwing up on the bed. Oh, and she's like stumbling around because some is in her eyes. She's trying to make it to the bathroom. She throws up on the bed, in the hallway, on the floor of the bathroom, and finally makes it to the toilet.

[Dax Shepard]

Were you guys like, this is why they told us not to do it.

[Lily Padman]

They're like, yeah, sex is horrible.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Jake]

No wonder we knew it was going to be bad. We didn't think it was going to be that bad. But when I come to, I kind of go in the bathroom and I try to console her. She's like crying, laughing, throwing up. I'm confused because I was out of it. I try to help her clean up as best as we can, and then we both kind of freak out because some of it like dripped down and got her in the lady area.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, the lady area.

[Jake]

So we're freaking out. We're like, oh, no, is she going to get pregnant? So we doordash like a plan B and she takes that and spends the next three hours trying to fix her hair and makeup. It was a tough scene.

[Dax Shepard]

Now, okay, so later that night, you want to do it again? I bet.

[Lily Padman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But she doesn't.

[Jake]

I don't think we did. I don't really remember. But what did happen after we got to the reception? She, like, cleaned everything up and she looked like look great. And one of her friends came up behind her and was like, hey, you have something in your hair. And I was like, oh. And she had a big dried thing of semen in her hair.

[Dax Shepard]

No, something. You have some gel in your hair, honey.

[Lily Padman]

Yeah, that's a classic.

[Jake]

Really. The icing on the cake was that the plan B made her sick for, like, three days of our honeymoon. She was in a bad spot, but that's actually where we started listening to Armchair Anonymous.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, no kidding.

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

Wow.

[Lily Padman]

It really worked out for us, I guess.

[Jake]

There you go.

[Dax Shepard]

How long ago was this?

[Jake]

Three years.

[Dax Shepard]

I imagine you guys have had lots of beautiful love making now. Yeah.

[Jake]

Took us a second.

[Dax Shepard]

We got it throwing up. It was a set piece in a comedy. I could have made five minutes out of that whole sequence easily.

[Jake]

Great.

[Dax Shepard]

I love it.

[Jake]

The victim's here.

[Dax Shepard]

Can she come and say hi? I'd love to see this before Gail.

[Clara]

This is so cool.

[Dax Shepard]

There's the victim we had a marital.

[Kelsey]

Spat of who would tell this story better.

[Clara]

I said I would tell it better.

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

Because I was the victim, but he.

[Kelsey]

Said, no, I'll tell it better.

[Jake]

You need a first person view.

[Kelsey]

But then he ended up submitting the story, so he got to tell Peter to it.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, well, he did a great job.

[Lily Padman]

And he was specific about the amount of sprays. And that was all really important detail.

[Jake]

Lack of communication.

[Lily Padman]

Communication, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

You must have been thinking, this is terrible, right? Why do people do this?

[Kelsey]

At first I was like, it's gotta get better, though, right?

[Jake]

We started at rock bottom. You can't go much lower.

[Kelsey]

I was mostly just worried about the rest of the wedding day. I was crying. I was like, it's my wedding day and all my hair and makeup is messed up. Like, this is the worst. We should have just waited until after all the wedding festivities.

[Lily Padman]

Don't you think, though? A lot of the people at the wedding, they've been in your position. They've done this exactly, exact same.

[Jake]

We got some side eye as we were leaving the brunch. We were like, no, no, no, no, no. And then we showed up and everybody kind of.

[Lily Padman]

Yeah, they could feel it.

[Jake]

They know.

[Dax Shepard]

They know there's something like. As disgusting as the story is, it's so wholesome.

[Lily Padman]

It's sweet, isn't it?

[Dax Shepard]

It's, like, very mixed messages. It's, like, so endearing, yet it's disgusting.

[Lily Padman]

It's nasty.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. I don't know that I've ever seen, even in pornography, that volume and in duration. Well, it's lovely meeting you guys. You're adorable, adorable couple.

[Jake]

We're big fans.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, thank you. All right, we'll take care.

[Jake]

You too.

[Lily Padman]

Oh, that was a blast. That was a pun intended.

[Dax Shepard]

I intended that pun. I didn't really.

[Lily Padman]

Oh, my God. That is humanity.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Lily Padman]

It's Tough.

[Dax Shepard]

That story shouldn't have made me horny, but it kind of did.

[Clara]

It did?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, a little bit. I think the excitement of he saw her naked for the first time. She saw him naked for the first time. They didn't put any of that on. Off. That must have been so exciting.

[Lily Padman]

That's funny because that didn't even.

[Dax Shepard]

It made you wanna never be in that situation. No.

[Lily Padman]

Well, it made me not want to have uncontrollable semen. Just, you know. Yeah. Like buckets and you don't know where it's going or coming. That's fine.

[Dax Shepard]

I wouldn't enjoy that either.

[Unnamed Bride with Snowstorm Wedding]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

I probably put myself in his shoes.

[Lily Padman]

More than hers, but it does like. Oh, the, like, anxiety before the first time.

[Dax Shepard]

Cute.

[Lily Padman]

It's really cute. They're so cute.

[Dax Shepard]

They were very cute. All right. Love you.

[Clara]

Do you want to sing a tune or something?

[Kelsey]

We know a theme song.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of armchairies, we'll get some suggestions on the flyer. Rhyme dish on the fire Rhyme dish. Enjoy. Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondry app, Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short [e-mail] survey.